alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank , and of having nothing to do once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading , but it had no pictures or conversations in it , and what is the use of a book , thought alice without pictures or conversations . so she was considering in her own mind as well as she could , for the hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid , whether the pleasure of making a daisy chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies , when suddenly a white rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her . there was nothing so very remarkable in that nor did alice think it so very much out of the way to hear the rabbit say to itself , oh dear . oh dear . i shall be late . when she thought it over afterwards , it occurred to her that she ought to have wondered at this , but at the time it all seemed quite natural but when the rabbit actually took a watch out of its waistcoat pocket, , and looked at it , and then hurried on , alice started to her feet , for it flashed across her mind that she had never before seen a rabbit with either a waistcoat pocket, , or a watch to take out of it , and burning with curiosity , she ran across the field after it , and fortunately was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit hole under the hedge . in another moment down went alice after it , never once considering how in the world she was to get out again . the rabbit hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way , and then dipped suddenly down , so suddenly that alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well . either the well was very deep , or she fell very slowly , for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next . first , she tried to look down and make out what she was coming to , but it was too dark to see anything then she looked at the sides of the well , and noticed that they were filled with cupboards and book shelves here and there she saw maps and pictures hung upon pegs . she took down a jar from one of the shelves as she passed it was labelled orange marmalade , but to her great disappointment it was empty she did not like to drop the jar for fear of killing somebody , so managed to put it into one of the cupboards as she fell past it . well . thought alice to herself , after such a fall as this , i shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs . how brave theyll all think me at home . why , i wouldnt say anything about it , even if i fell off the top of the house . down , . would the fall never come to an end . i wonder how many miles ive fallen by this time . she said aloud . i must be getting somewhere near the centre of the earth . let me see that would be four thousand miles down , i think  for , you see , alice had learnt several things of this sort in her lessons in the schoolroom , and though this was not a very good opportunity for showing off her knowledge , as there was no one to listen to her , still it was good practice to say it over thats about the right distance  then i wonder what latitude or longitude ive got to . alice had no idea what latitude was , or longitude either , but thought they were nice grand words to say . presently she began again . i wonder if i shall fall right through the earth . how funny itll seem to come out among the people that walk with their heads downward . the antipathies , i think  she was rather glad there was no one listening , this time , as it didnt sound at all the right word i shall have to ask them what the name of the country is , you know . please , maam , is this new zealand or australia . and she tried to curtsey as she spoke  curtseying as youre falling through the air . do you think you could manage it . and what an ignorant little girl shell think me for asking . no , itll never do to ask perhaps i shall see it written up somewhere . down , . there was nothing else to do , so alice soon began talking again . dinahll miss me very much to night, , i should think . i hope theyll remember her saucer of milk at tea time . dinah my dear . i wish you were down here with me . there are no mice in the air , im afraid , but you might catch a bat , and thats very like a mouse , you know . but do cats eat bats , i wonder . and here alice began to get rather sleepy , and went on saying to herself , in a dreamy sort of way , do cats eat bats . do cats eat bats . and sometimes , do bats eat cats . for , you see , as she couldnt answer either question , it didnt much matter which way she put it . she felt that she was dozing off , and had just begun to dream that she was walking hand in hand with dinah , and saying to her very earnestly , now , dinah , tell me the truth did you ever eat a bat . when suddenly , thump . thump . down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves , and the fall was over . alice was not a bit hurt , and she jumped up on to her feet in a moment she looked up , but it was all dark overhead before her was another long passage , and the white rabbit was still in sight , hurrying down it . there was not a moment to be lost away went alice like the wind , and was just in time to hear it say , as it turned a corner , oh my ears and whiskers , how late its getting . she was close behind it when she turned the corner , but the rabbit was no longer to be seen she found herself in a long , low hall , which was lit up by a row of lamps hanging from the roof . there were doors all round the hall , but they were all locked and when alice had been all the way down one side and up the other , trying every door , she walked sadly down the middle , wondering how she was ever to get out again . suddenly she came upon a little three legged table , all made of solid glass there was nothing on it except a tiny golden key , and alices first thought was that it might belong to one of the doors of the hall but , alas . either the locks were too large , or the key was too small , but at any rate it would not open any of them . however , on the second time round , she came upon a low curtain she had not noticed before , and behind it was a little door about fifteen inches high she tried the little golden key in the lock , and to her great delight it fitted . alice opened the door and found that it led into a small passage , not much larger than a rat hole she knelt down and looked along the passage into the loveliest garden you ever saw . how she longed to get out of that dark hall , and wander about among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains , but she could not even get her head through the doorway and even if my head would go through , thought poor alice , it would be of very little use without my shoulders . oh , how i wish i could shut up like a telescope . i think i could , if i only knew how to begin . for , you see , so many out of things had happened lately , that alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible . there seemed to be no use in waiting by the little door , so she went back to the table , half hoping she might find another key on it , or at any rate a book of rules for shutting people up like telescopes this time she found a little bottle on it , which certainly was not here before , said alice , and round the neck of the bottle was a paper label , with the words drink me beautifully printed on it in large letters . it was all very well to say drink me , but the wise little alice was not going to do that in a hurry . no , ill look first , she said , and see whether its marked poison or not for she had read several nice little histories about children who had got burnt , and eaten up by wild beasts and other unpleasant things , all because they would not remember the simple rules their friends had taught them such as , that a red hot poker will burn you if you hold it too long and that if you cut your finger very deeply with a knife , it usually bleeds and she had never forgotten that , if you drink much from a bottle marked poison , it is almost certain to disagree with you , sooner or later . however , this bottle was not marked poison , so alice ventured to taste it , and finding it very nice , it had , in fact , a sort of mixed flavour of cherry tart, , custard , pine apple, , roast turkey , toffee , and hot buttered toast , she very soon finished it off . what a curious feeling . said alice i must be shutting up like a telescope . and so it was indeed she was now only ten inches high , and her face brightened up at the thought that she was now the right size for going through the little door into that lovely garden . first , however , she waited for a few minutes to see if she was going to shrink any further she felt a little nervous about this for it might end , you know , said alice to herself , in my going out altogether , like a candle . i wonder what i should be like then . and she tried to fancy what the flame of a candle is like after the candle is blown out , for she could not remember ever having seen such a thing . after a while , finding that nothing more happened , she decided on going into the garden at once but , alas for poor alice . when she got to the door , she found she had forgotten the little golden key , and when she went back to the table for it , she found she could not possibly reach it she could see it quite plainly through the glass , and she tried her best to climb up one of the legs of the table , but it was too slippery and when she had tired herself out with trying , the poor little thing sat down and cried . come , theres no use in crying like that . said alice to herself , rather sharply i advise you to leave off this minute . she generally gave herself very good advice , and sometimes she scolded herself so severely as to bring tears into her eyes and once she remembered trying to box her own ears for having cheated herself in a game of croquet she was playing against herself , for this curious child was very fond of pretending to be two people . but its no use now , thought poor alice , to pretend to be two people . why , theres hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person . soon her eye fell on a little glass box that was lying under the table she opened it , and found in it a very small cake , on which the words eat me were beautifully marked in currants . well , ill eat it , said alice , and if it makes me grow larger , i can reach the key and if it makes me grow smaller , i can creep under the door so either way ill get into the garden , and i dont care which happens . she ate a little bit , and said anxiously to herself , which way . which way . holding her hand on the top of her head to feel which way it was growing , and she was quite surprised to find that she remained the same size to be sure , this generally happens when one eats cake , but alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out of things to happen , that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way . so she set to work , and very soon finished off the cake . chapter ii . the pool of tears curiouser and curiouser . cried alice she was so much surprised , that for the moment she quite forgot how to speak good english now im opening out like the largest telescope that ever was . good bye, , feet . for when she looked down at her feet , they seemed to be almost out of sight , they were getting so far off . oh , my poor little feet , i wonder who will put on your shoes and stockings for you now , dears . im sure i shant be able . i shall be a great deal too far off to trouble myself about you must manage the best way you can  i must be kind to them , thought alice , or perhaps they wont walk the way i want to go . let me see ill give them a new pair of boots every christmas . and she went on planning to herself how she would manage it . they must go by the carrier , she thought and how funny itll seem , sending presents to ones own feet . and how odd the directions will look . alices right foot , esq . hearthrug , near the fender , . oh dear , what nonsense im talking . just then her head struck against the roof of the hall in fact she was now more than nine feet high , and she at once took up the little golden key and hurried off to the garden door . poor alice . it was as much as she could do , lying down on one side , to look through into the garden with one eye but to get through was more hopeless than ever she sat down and began to cry again . you ought to be ashamed of yourself , said alice , a great girl like you , to go on crying in this way . stop this moment , i tell you . but she went on all the same , shedding gallons of tears , until there was a large pool all round her , about four inches deep and reaching half down the hall . after a time she heard a little pattering of feet in the distance , and she hastily dried her eyes to see what was coming . it was the white rabbit returning , splendidly dressed , with a pair of white kid gloves in one hand and a large fan in the other he came trotting along in a great hurry , muttering to himself as he came , oh . the duchess , the duchess . oh . wont she be savage if ive kept her waiting . alice felt so desperate that she was ready to ask help of any one so , when the rabbit came near her , she began , in a low , timid voice , if you please , sir  the rabbit started violently , dropped the white kid gloves and the fan , and skurried away into the darkness as hard as he could go . alice took up the fan and gloves , and , as the hall was very hot , she kept fanning herself all the time she went on talking dear , . how queer everything is to day . and yesterday things went on just as usual . i wonder if ive been changed in the night . let me think was i the same when i got up this morning . i almost think i can remember feeling a little different . but if im not the same , the next question is , who in the world am i . ah , thats the great puzzle . and she began thinking over all the children she knew that were of the same age as herself , to see if she could have been changed for any of them . im sure im not ada , she said , for her hair goes in such long ringlets , and mine doesnt go in ringlets at all and im sure i cant be mabel , for i know all sorts of things , and she , oh . she knows such a very little . besides , shes she , and im i , and  dear , how puzzling it all is . ill try if i know all the things i used to know . let me see four times five is twelve , and four times six is thirteen , and four times seven is  dear . i shall never get to twenty at that rate . however , the multiplication table doesnt signify lets try geography . london is the capital of paris , and paris is the capital of rome , and rome  , thats all wrong , im certain . i must have been changed for mabel . ill try and say how doth the little  and she crossed her hands on her lap as if she were saying lessons , and began to repeat it , but her voice sounded hoarse and strange , and the words did not come the same as they used to do  how doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail , and pour the waters of the nile on every golden scale . how cheerfully he seems to grin , how neatly spread his claws , and welcome little fishes in with gently smiling jaws . im sure those are not the right words , said poor alice , and her eyes filled with tears again as she went on , i must be mabel after all , and i shall have to go and live in that poky little house , and have next to no toys to play with , and oh . ever so many lessons to learn . no , ive made up my mind about it if im mabel , ill stay down here . itll be no use their putting their heads down and saying come up again , dear . i shall only look up and say who am i then . tell me that first , and then , if i like being that person , ill come up if not , ill stay down here till im somebody else  , oh dear . cried alice , with a sudden burst of tears , i do wish they would put their heads down . i am so very tired of being all alone here . as she said this she looked down at her hands , and was surprised to see that she had put on one of the rabbits little white kid gloves while she was talking . how can i have done that . she thought . i must be growing small again . she got up and went to the table to measure herself by it , and found that , as nearly as she could guess , she was now about two feet high , and was going on shrinking rapidly she soon found out that the cause of this was the fan she was holding , and she dropped it hastily , just in time to avoid shrinking away altogether . that was a narrow escape . said alice , a good deal frightened at the sudden change , but very glad to find herself still in existence and now for the garden . and she ran with all speed back to the little door but , alas . the little door was shut again , and the little golden key was lying on the glass table as before , and things are worse than ever , thought the poor child , for i never was so small as this before , never . and i declare its too bad , that it is . as she said these words her foot slipped , and in another moment , splash . she was up to her chin in salt water . her first idea was that she had somehow fallen into the sea , and in that case i can go back by railway , she said to herself . alice had been to the seaside once in her life , and had come to the general conclusion , that wherever you go to on the english coast you find a number of bathing machines in the sea , some children digging in the sand with wooden spades , then a row of lodging houses , and behind them a railway station . however , she soon made out that she was in the pool of tears which she had wept when she was nine feet high . i wish i hadnt cried so much . said alice , as she swam about , trying to find her way out . i shall be punished for it now , i suppose , by being drowned in my own tears . that will be a queer thing , to be sure . however , everything is queer to day . just then she heard something splashing about in the pool a little way off , and she swam nearer to make out what it was at first she thought it must be a walrus or hippopotamus , but then she remembered how small she was now , and she soon made out that it was only a mouse that had slipped in like herself . would it be of any use , now , thought alice , to speak to this mouse . everything is so out of down here , that i should think very likely it can talk at any rate , theres no harm in trying . so she began o mouse , do you know the way out of this pool . i am very tired of swimming about here , o mouse . alice thought this must be the right way of speaking to a mouse she had never done such a thing before , but she remembered having seen in her brothers latin grammar , a mouse  a mouse  a mouse  . the mouse looked at her rather inquisitively , and seemed to her to wink with one of its little eyes , but it said nothing . perhaps it doesnt understand english , thought alice i daresay its a french mouse , come over with william the conqueror . for , with all her knowledge of history , alice had no very clear notion how long ago anything had happened . so she began again ou est ma chatte . which was the first sentence in her french lesson book . the mouse gave a sudden leap out of the water , and seemed to quiver all over with fright . oh , i beg your pardon . cried alice hastily , afraid that she had hurt the poor animals feelings . i quite forgot you didnt like cats . not like cats . cried the mouse , in a shrill , passionate voice . would you like cats if you were me . well , perhaps not , said alice in a soothing tone dont be angry about it . and yet i wish i could show you our cat dinah i think youd take a fancy to cats if you could only see her . she is such a dear quiet thing , alice went on , half to herself , as she swam lazily about in the pool , and she sits purring so nicely by the fire , licking her paws and washing her face  she is such a nice soft thing to nurse  shes such a capital one for catching mice  , i beg your pardon . cried alice again , for this time the mouse was bristling all over , and she felt certain it must be really offended . we wont talk about her any more if youd rather not . we indeed . cried the mouse , who was trembling down to the end of his tail . as if i would talk on such a subject . our family always hated cats nasty , low , vulgar things . dont let me hear the name again . i wont indeed . said alice , in a great hurry to change the subject of conversation . are you  fond  dogs . the mouse did not answer , so alice went on eagerly there is such a nice little dog near our house i should like to show you . a little bright eyed terrier , you know , with oh , such long curly brown hair . and itll fetch things when you throw them , and itll sit up and beg for its dinner , and all sorts of things  cant remember half of them  it belongs to a farmer , you know , and he says its so useful , its worth a hundred pounds . he says it kills all the rats and  dear . cried alice in a sorrowful tone , im afraid ive offended it again . for the mouse was swimming away from her as hard as it could go , and making quite a commotion in the pool as it went . so she called softly after it , mouse dear . do come back again , and we wont talk about cats or dogs either , if you dont like them . when the mouse heard this , it turned round and swam slowly back to her its face was quite pale and it said in a low trembling voice , let us get to the shore , and then ill tell you my history , and youll understand why it is i hate cats and dogs . it was high time to go , for the pool was getting quite crowded with the birds and animals that had fallen into it there were a duck and a dodo , a lory and an eaglet , and several other curious creatures . alice led the way , and the whole party swam to the shore . chapter iii . a caucus race and a long tale they were indeed a queer looking party that assembled on the bank  birds with draggled feathers , the animals with their fur clinging close to them , and all dripping wet , cross , and uncomfortable . the first question of course was , how to get dry again they had a consultation about this , and after a few minutes it seemed quite natural to alice to find herself talking familiarly with them , as if she had known them all her life . indeed , she had quite a long argument with the lory , who at last turned sulky , and would only say , i am older than you , and must know better and this alice would not allow without knowing how old it was , and , as the lory positively refused to tell its age , there was no more to be said . at last the mouse , who seemed to be a person of authority among them , called out , sit down , all of you , and listen to me . ill soon make you dry enough . they all sat down at once , in a large ring , with the mouse in the middle . alice kept her eyes anxiously fixed on it , for she felt sure she would catch a bad cold if she did not get dry very soon . ahem . said the mouse with an important air , are you all ready . this is the driest thing i know . silence all round , if you please . william the conqueror , whose cause was favoured by the pope , was soon submitted to by the english , who wanted leaders , and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest . edwin and morcar , the earls of mercia and northumbria  ugh . said the lory , with a shiver . i beg your pardon . said the mouse , frowning , but very politely did you speak . not i . said the lory hastily . i thought you did , said the mouse . proceed . edwin and morcar , the earls of mercia and northumbria , declared for him and even stigand , the patriotic archbishop of canterbury , found it advisable  found what . said the duck . found it , the mouse replied rather crossly of course you know what it means . i know what it means well enough , when i find a thing , said the duck its generally a frog or a worm . the question is , what did the archbishop find . the mouse did not notice this question , but hurriedly went on , it advisable to go with edgar atheling to meet william and offer him the crown . williams conduct at first was moderate . but the insolence of his normans  how are you getting on now , my dear . it continued , turning to alice as it spoke . as wet as ever , said alice in a melancholy tone it doesnt seem to dry me at all . in that case , said the dodo solemnly , rising to its feet , i move that the meeting adjourn , for the immediate adoption of more energetic remedies  speak english . said the eaglet . i dont know the meaning of half those long words , and , whats more , i dont believe you do either . and the eaglet bent down its head to hide a smile some of the other birds tittered audibly . what i was going to say , said the dodo in an offended tone , was , that the best thing to get us dry would be a caucus race . what is a caucus race . said alice not that she wanted much to know , but the dodo had paused as if it thought that somebody ought to speak , and no one else seemed inclined to say anything . why , said the dodo , the best way to explain it is to do it . and , as you might like to try the thing yourself , some winter day , i will tell you how the dodo managed it . first it marked out a race course, , in a sort of circle , the exact shape doesnt matter , it said , and then all the party were placed along the course , here and there . there was no one , two , three , and away , but they began running when they liked , and left off when they liked , so that it was not easy to know when the race was over . however , when they had been running half an hour or so , and were quite dry again , the dodo suddenly called out the race is over . and they all crowded round it , panting , and asking , but who has won . this question the dodo could not answer without a great deal of thought , and it sat for a long time with one finger pressed upon its forehead the position in which you usually see shakespeare , in the pictures of him , while the rest waited in silence . at last the dodo said , everybody has won , and all must have prizes . but who is to give the prizes . quite a chorus of voices asked . why , she , of course , said the dodo , pointing to alice with one finger and the whole party at once crowded round her , calling out in a confused way , prizes . prizes . alice had no idea what to do , and in despair she put her hand in her pocket , and pulled out a box of comfits , luckily the salt water had not got into it , and handed them round as prizes . there was exactly one a piece all round . but she must have a prize herself , you know , said the mouse . of course , the dodo replied very gravely . what else have you got in your pocket . he went on , turning to alice . only a thimble , said alice sadly . hand it over here , said the dodo . then they all crowded round her once more , while the dodo solemnly presented the thimble , saying we beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble and , when it had finished this short speech , they all cheered . alice thought the whole thing very absurd , but they all looked so grave that she did not dare to laugh and , as she could not think of anything to say , she simply bowed , and took the thimble , looking as solemn as she could . the next thing was to eat the comfits this caused some noise and confusion , as the large birds complained that they could not taste theirs , and the small ones choked and had to be patted on the back . however , it was over at last , and they sat down again in a ring , and begged the mouse to tell them something more . you promised to tell me your history , you know , said alice , and why it is you hate  and d , she added in a whisper , half afraid that it would be offended again . mine is a long and a sad tale . said the mouse , turning to alice , and sighing . it is a long tail , certainly , said alice , looking down with wonder at the mouses tail but why do you call it sad . and she kept on puzzling about it while the mouse was speaking , so that her idea of the tale was something like this  you are not attending . said the mouse to alice severely . what are you thinking of . i beg your pardon , said alice very humbly you had got to the fifth bend , i think . i had not . cried the mouse , sharply and very angrily . a knot . said alice , always ready to make herself useful , and looking anxiously about her . oh , do let me help to undo it . i shall do nothing of the sort , said the mouse , getting up and walking away . you insult me by talking such nonsense . i didnt mean it . pleaded poor alice . but youre so easily offended , you know . the mouse only growled in reply . please come back and finish your story . alice called after it and the others all joined in chorus , yes , please do . but the mouse only shook its head impatiently , and walked a little quicker . what a pity it wouldnt stay . sighed the lory , as soon as it was quite out of sight and an old crab took the opportunity of saying to her daughter ah , my dear . let this be a lesson to you never to lose your temper . hold your tongue , ma . said the young crab , a little snappishly . youre enough to try the patience of an oyster . i wish i had our dinah here , i know i do . said alice aloud , addressing nobody in particular . shed soon fetch it back . and who is dinah , if i might venture to ask the question . said the lory . alice replied eagerly , for she was always ready to talk about her pet dinahs our cat . and shes such a capital one for catching mice you cant think . and oh , i wish you could see her after the birds . why , shell eat a little bird as soon as look at it . this speech caused a remarkable sensation among the party . some of the birds hurried off at once one old magpie began wrapping itself up very carefully , remarking , i really must be getting home the night air doesnt suit my throat . and a canary called out in a trembling voice to its children , come away , my dears . its high time you were all in bed . on various pretexts they all moved off , and alice was soon left alone . i wish i hadnt mentioned dinah . she said to herself in a melancholy tone . nobody seems to like her , down here , and im sure shes the best cat in the world . oh , my dear dinah . i wonder if i shall ever see you any more . and here poor alice began to cry again , for she felt very lonely and low spirited . in a little while , however , she again heard a little pattering of footsteps in the distance , and she looked up eagerly , half hoping that the mouse had changed his mind , and was coming back to finish his story . chapter iv . the rabbit sends in a little bill it was the white rabbit , trotting slowly back again , and looking anxiously about as it went , as if it had lost something and she heard it muttering to itself the duchess . the duchess . oh my dear paws . oh my fur and whiskers . shell get me executed , as sure as ferrets are ferrets . where can i have dropped them , i wonder . alice guessed in a moment that it was looking for the fan and the pair of white kid gloves , and she very good naturedly began hunting about for them , but they were nowhere to be seen  seemed to have changed since her swim in the pool , and the great hall , with the glass table and the little door , had vanished completely . very soon the rabbit noticed alice , as she went hunting about , and called out to her in an angry tone , why , mary ann , what are you doing out here . run home this moment , and fetch me a pair of gloves and a fan . quick , now . and alice was so much frightened that she ran off at once in the direction it pointed to , without trying to explain the mistake it had made . he took me for his housemaid , she said to herself as she ran . how surprised hell be when he finds out who i am . but id better take him his fan and gloves  is , if i can find them . as she said this , she came upon a neat little house , on the door of which was a bright brass plate with the name w . rabbit engraved upon it . she went in without knocking , and hurried upstairs , in great fear lest she should meet the real mary ann , and be turned out of the house before she had found the fan and gloves . how queer it seems , alice said to herself , to be going messages for a rabbit . i suppose dinahll be sending me on messages next . and she began fancying the sort of thing that would happen miss alice . come here directly , and get ready for your walk . coming in a minute , nurse . but ive got to see that the mouse doesnt get out . only i dont think , alice went on , that theyd let dinah stop in the house if it began ordering people about like that . by this time she had found her way into a tidy little room with a table in the window , and on it a fan and two or three pairs of tiny white kid gloves she took up the fan and a pair of the gloves , and was just going to leave the room , when her eye fell upon a little bottle that stood near the looking glass . there was no label this time with the words drink me , but nevertheless she uncorked it and put it to her lips . i know something interesting is sure to happen , she said to herself , whenever i eat or drink anything so ill just see what this bottle does . i do hope itll make me grow large again , for really im quite tired of being such a tiny little thing . it did so indeed , and much sooner than she had expected before she had drunk half the bottle , she found her head pressing against the ceiling , and had to stoop to save her neck from being broken . she hastily put down the bottle , saying to herself thats quite enough  hope i shant grow any more  it is , i cant get out at the door  do wish i hadnt drunk quite so much . alas . it was too late to wish that . she went on growing , and growing , and very soon had to kneel down on the floor in another minute there was not even room for this , and she tried the effect of lying down with one elbow against the door , and the other arm curled round her head . still she went on growing , and , as a last resource , she put one arm out of the window , and one foot up the chimney , and said to herself now i can do no more , whatever happens . what will become of me . luckily for alice , the little magic bottle had now had its full effect , and she grew no larger still it was very uncomfortable , and , as there seemed to be no sort of chance of her ever getting out of the room again , no wonder she felt unhappy . it was much pleasanter at home , thought poor alice , when one wasnt always growing larger and smaller , and being ordered about by mice and rabbits . i almost wish i hadnt gone down that rabbit hole yet  rather curious , you know , this sort of life . i do wonder what can have happened to me . when i used to read fairy tales, , i fancied that kind of thing never happened , and now here i am in the middle of one . there ought to be a book written about me , that there ought . and when i grow up , ill write one  im grown up now , she added in a sorrowful tone at least theres no room to grow up any more here . but then , thought alice , shall i never get any older than i am now . thatll be a comfort , one way  to be an old woman  then  to have lessons to learn . oh , i shouldnt like that . oh , you foolish alice . she answered herself . how can you learn lessons in here . why , theres hardly room for you , and no room at all for any lesson books . and so she went on , taking first one side and then the other , and making quite a conversation of it altogether but after a few minutes she heard a voice outside , and stopped to listen . mary ann . mary ann . said the voice . fetch me my gloves this moment . then came a little pattering of feet on the stairs . alice knew it was the rabbit coming to look for her , and she trembled till she shook the house , quite forgetting that she was now about a thousand times as large as the rabbit , and had no reason to be afraid of it . presently the rabbit came up to the door , and tried to open it but , as the door opened inwards , and alices elbow was pressed hard against it , that attempt proved a failure . alice heard it say to itself then ill go round and get in at the window . that you wont thought alice , and , after waiting till she fancied she heard the rabbit just under the window , she suddenly spread out her hand , and made a snatch in the air . she did not get hold of anything , but she heard a little shriek and a fall , and a crash of broken glass , from which she concluded that it was just possible it had fallen into a cucumber frame, , or something of the sort . next came an angry voice  rabbits  . pat . where are you . and then a voice she had never heard before , sure then im here . digging for apples , yer honour . digging for apples , indeed . said the rabbit angrily . here . come and help me out of this . now tell me , pat , whats that in the window . sure , its an arm , yer honour . an arm , you goose . who ever saw one that size . why , it fills the whole window . sure , it does , yer honour but its an arm for all that . well , its got no business there , at any rate go and take it away . there was a long silence after this , and alice could only hear whispers now and then such as , sure , i dont like it , yer honour , at all , at all . do as i tell you , coward . and at last she spread out her hand again , and made another snatch in the air . this time there were two little shrieks , and more sounds of broken glass . what a number of cucumber frames there must be . thought alice . i wonder what theyll do next . as for pulling me out of the window , i only wish they could . im sure i dont want to stay in here any longer . she waited for some time without hearing anything more at last came a rumbling of little cartwheels , and the sound of a good many voices all talking together she made out the words wheres the other ladder . i hadnt to bring but one bills got the other  . fetch it here , lad . put em up at this corner  , tie em together first  dont reach half high enough yet  . theyll do well enough dont be particular  , bill . catch hold of this rope  the roof bear . that loose slate  , its coming down . heads below . who did that . was bill , i fancy  to go down the chimney . i shant . you do it . i wont , then . to go down  , bill . the master says youre to go down the chimney . oh . so bills got to come down the chimney , has he . said alice to herself . shy , they seem to put everything upon bill . i wouldnt be in bills place for a good deal this fireplace is narrow , to be sure but i think i can kick a little . she drew her foot as far down the chimney as she could , and waited till she heard a little animal scratching and scrambling about in the chimney close above her then , saying to herself this is bill , she gave one sharp kick , and waited to see what would happen next . the first thing she heard was a general chorus of there goes bill . then the rabbits voice along  him , you by the hedge . then silence , and then another confusion of voices  up his head  now  choke him  was it , old fellow . what happened to you . tell us all about it . last came a little feeble , squeaking voice , thats bill , thought alice , well , i hardly know  more , thank ye im better now  im a deal too flustered to tell you  i know is , something comes at me like a jack in , and up i goes like a sky rocket . so you did , old fellow . said the others . we must burn the house down . said the rabbits voice and alice called out as loud as she could , if you do . ill set dinah at you . there was a dead silence instantly , and alice thought to herself , i wonder what they will do next . if they had any sense , theyd take the roof off . after a minute or two , they began moving about again , and alice heard the rabbit say , a barrowful will do , to begin with . a barrowful of what . thought alice but she had not long to doubt , for the next moment a shower of little pebbles came rattling in at the window , and some of them hit her in the face . ill put a stop to this , she said to herself , and shouted out , youd better not do that again . which produced another dead silence . alice noticed with some surprise that the pebbles were all turning into little cakes as they lay on the floor , and a bright idea came into her head . if i eat one of these cakes , she thought , its sure to make some change in my size and as it cant possibly make me larger , it must make me smaller , i suppose . so she swallowed one of the cakes , and was delighted to find that she began shrinking directly . as soon as she was small enough to get through the door , she ran out of the house , and found quite a crowd of little animals and birds waiting outside . the poor little lizard , bill , was in the middle , being held up by two guinea pigs, , who were giving it something out of a bottle . they all made a rush at alice the moment she appeared but she ran off as hard as she could , and soon found herself safe in a thick wood . the first thing ive got to do , said alice to herself , as she wandered about in the wood , is to grow to my right size again and the second thing is to find my way into that lovely garden . i think that will be the best plan . it sounded an excellent plan , no doubt , and very neatly and simply arranged the only difficulty was , that she had not the smallest idea how to set about it and while she was peering about anxiously among the trees , a little sharp bark just over her head made her look up in a great hurry . an enormous puppy was looking down at her with large round eyes , and feebly stretching out one paw , trying to touch her . poor little thing . said alice , in a coaxing tone , and she tried hard to whistle to it but she was terribly frightened all the time at the thought that it might be hungry , in which case it would be very likely to eat her up in spite of all her coaxing . hardly knowing what she did , she picked up a little bit of stick , and held it out to the puppy whereupon the puppy jumped into the air off all its feet at once , with a yelp of delight , and rushed at the stick , and made believe to worry it then alice dodged behind a great thistle , to keep herself from being run over and the moment she appeared on the other side , the puppy made another rush at the stick , and tumbled head over heels in its hurry to get hold of it then alice , thinking it was very like having a game of play with a cart horse, , and expecting every moment to be trampled under its feet , ran round the thistle again then the puppy began a series of short charges at the stick , running a very little way forwards each time and a long way back , and barking hoarsely all the while , till at last it sat down a good way off , panting , with its tongue hanging out of its mouth , and its great eyes half shut . this seemed to alice a good opportunity for making her escape so she set off at once , and ran till she was quite tired and out of breath , and till the puppys bark sounded quite faint in the distance . and yet what a dear little puppy it was . said alice , as she leant against a buttercup to rest herself , and fanned herself with one of the leaves i should have liked teaching it tricks very much , if  id only been the right size to do it . oh dear . id nearly forgotten that ive got to grow up again . let me see  is it to be managed . i suppose i ought to eat or drink something or other but the great question is , what . the great question certainly was , what . alice looked all round her at the flowers and the blades of grass , but she did not see anything that looked like the right thing to eat or drink under the circumstances . there was a large mushroom growing near her , about the same height as herself and when she had looked under it , and on both sides of it , and behind it , occurred to her that she might as well look and see what was on the top of it . she stretched herself up on tiptoe , and peeped over the edge of the mushroom , and her eyes immediately met those of a large caterpillar , that was sitting on the top with its arms folded , quietly smoking a long hookah , and taking not the smallest notice of her or of anything else . chapter v . advice from a caterpillar the caterpillar and alice looked at each other for some time in silence at last the caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth , and addressed her in a languid , sleepy voice . who are you . said the caterpillar . this was not an encouraging opening for a conversation . alice replied , rather shyly , i  hardly know , sir , just at present  least i know who i was when i got up this morning , but i think i must have been changed several times since then . what do you mean by that . said the caterpillar sternly . explain yourself . i cant explain myself , im afraid , sir said alice , because im not myself , you see . i dont see , said the caterpillar . im afraid i cant put it more clearly , alice replied very politely , for i cant understand it myself to begin with and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing . it isnt , said the caterpillar . well , perhaps you havent found it so yet , said alice but when you have to turn into a chrysalis  will some day , you know  then after that into a butterfly , i should think youll feel it a little queer , wont you . not a bit , said the caterpillar . well , perhaps your feelings may be different , said alice all i know is , it would feel very queer to me . you . said the caterpillar contemptuously . who are you . which brought them back again to the beginning of the conversation . alice felt a little irritated at the caterpillars making such very short remarks , and she drew herself up and said , very gravely , i think , you ought to tell me who you are , first . why . said the caterpillar . here was another puzzling question and as alice could not think of any good reason , and as the caterpillar seemed to be in a very unpleasant state of mind , she turned away . come back . the caterpillar called after her . ive something important to say . this sounded promising , certainly alice turned and came back again . keep your temper , said the caterpillar . is that all . said alice , swallowing down her anger as well as she could . no , said the caterpillar . alice thought she might as well wait , as she had nothing else to do , and perhaps after all it might tell her something worth hearing . for some minutes it puffed away without speaking , but at last it unfolded its arms , took the hookah out of its mouth again , and said , so you think youre changed , do you . im afraid i am , sir , said alice i cant remember things as i used  i dont keep the same size for ten minutes together . cant remember what things . said the caterpillar . well , ive tried to say how doth the little busy bee , but it all came different . alice replied in a very melancholy voice . repeat , you are old , father william , said the caterpillar . alice folded her hands , and began  you are old , father william , the young man said , and your hair has become very white and yet you incessantly stand on your head  do you think , at your age , it is right . in my youth , father william replied to his son , i feared it might injure the brain but , now that im perfectly sure i have none , why , i do it again and again . you are old , said the youth , as i mentioned before , and have grown most uncommonly fat yet you turned a back somersault in at the door  pray , what is the reason of that . in my youth , said the sage , as he shook his grey locks , i kept all my limbs very supple by the use of this ointment  shilling the box  allow me to sell you a couple . you are old , said the youth , and your jaws are too weak for anything tougher than suet yet you finished the goose , with the bones and the beak  pray how did you manage to do it . in my youth , said his father , i took to the law , and argued each case with my wife and the muscular strength , which it gave to my jaw , has lasted the rest of my life . you are old , said the youth , one would hardly suppose that your eye was as steady as ever yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose  what made you so awfully clever . i have answered three questions , and that is enough , said his father dont give yourself airs . do you think i can listen all day to such stuff . be off , or ill kick you down stairs . that is not said right , said the caterpillar . not quite right , im afraid , said alice , timidly some of the words have got altered . it is wrong from beginning to end , said the caterpillar decidedly , and there was silence for some minutes . the caterpillar was the first to speak . what size do you want to be . it asked . oh , im not particular as to size , alice hastily replied only one doesnt like changing so often , you know . i dont know , said the caterpillar . alice said nothing she had never been so much contradicted in her life before , and she felt that she was losing her temper . are you content now . said the caterpillar . well , i should like to be a little larger , sir , if you wouldnt mind , said alice three inches is such a wretched height to be . it is a very good height indeed . said the caterpillar angrily , rearing itself upright as it spoke . but im not used to it . pleaded poor alice in a piteous tone . and she thought of herself , i wish the creatures wouldnt be so easily offended . youll get used to it in time , said the caterpillar and it put the hookah into its mouth and began smoking again . this time alice waited patiently until it chose to speak again . in a minute or two the caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth and yawned once or twice , and shook itself . then it got down off the mushroom , and crawled away in the grass , merely remarking as it went , one side will make you grow taller , and the other side will make you grow shorter . one side of what . the other side of what . thought alice to herself . of the mushroom , said the caterpillar , just as if she had asked it aloud and in another moment it was out of sight . alice remained looking thoughtfully at the mushroom for a minute , trying to make out which were the two sides of it and as it was perfectly round , she found this a very difficult question . however , at last she stretched her arms round it as far as they would go , and broke off a bit of the edge with each hand . and now which is which . she said to herself , and nibbled a little of the right hand bit to try the effect the next moment she felt a violent blow underneath her chin it had struck her foot . she was a good deal frightened by this very sudden change , but she felt that there was no time to be lost , as she was shrinking rapidly so she set to work at once to eat some of the other bit . her chin was pressed so closely against her foot , that there was hardly room to open her mouth but she did it at last , and managed to swallow a morsel of the lefthand bit . come , my heads free at last . said alice in a tone of delight , which changed into alarm in another moment , when she found that her shoulders were nowhere to be found all she could see , when she looked down , was an immense length of neck , which seemed to rise like a stalk out of a sea of green leaves that lay far below her . what can all that green stuff be . said alice . and where have my shoulders got to . and oh , my poor hands , how is it i cant see you . she was moving them about as she spoke , but no result seemed to follow , except a little shaking among the distant green leaves . as there seemed to be no chance of getting her hands up to her head , she tried to get her head down to them , and was delighted to find that her neck would bend about easily in any direction , like a serpent . she had just succeeded in curving it down into a graceful zigzag , and was going to dive in among the leaves , which she found to be nothing but the tops of the trees under which she had been wandering , when a sharp hiss made her draw back in a hurry a large pigeon had flown into her face , and was beating her violently with its wings . serpent . screamed the pigeon . im not a serpent . said alice indignantly . let me alone . serpent , i say again . repeated the pigeon , but in a more subdued tone , and added with a kind of sob , ive tried every way , and nothing seems to suit them . i havent the least idea what youre talking about , said alice . ive tried the roots of trees , and ive tried banks , and ive tried hedges , the pigeon went on , without attending to her but those serpents . theres no pleasing them . alice was more and more puzzled , but she thought there was no use in saying anything more till the pigeon had finished . as if it wasnt trouble enough hatching the eggs , said the pigeon but i must be on the look out for serpents night and day . why , i havent had a wink of sleep these three weeks . im very sorry youve been annoyed , said alice , who was beginning to see its meaning . and just as id taken the highest tree in the wood , continued the pigeon , raising its voice to a shriek , and just as i was thinking i should be free of them at last , they must needs come wriggling down from the sky . ugh , serpent . but im not a serpent , i tell you . said alice . im a  well . what are you . said the pigeon . i can see youre trying to invent something . i  a little girl , said alice , rather doubtfully , as she remembered the number of changes she had gone through that day . a likely story indeed . said the pigeon in a tone of the deepest contempt . ive seen a good many little girls in my time , but never one with such a neck as that . no , . youre a serpent and theres no use denying it . i suppose youll be telling me next that you never tasted an egg . i have tasted eggs , certainly , said alice , who was a very truthful child but little girls eat eggs quite as much as serpents do , you know . i dont believe it , said the pigeon but if they do , why then theyre a kind of serpent , thats all i can say . this was such a new idea to alice , that she was quite silent for a minute or two , which gave the pigeon the opportunity of adding , youre looking for eggs , i know that well enough and what does it matter to me whether youre a little girl or a serpent . it matters a good deal to me , said alice hastily but im not looking for eggs , as it happens and if i was , i shouldnt want yours i dont like them raw . well , be off , then . said the pigeon in a sulky tone , as it settled down again into its nest . alice crouched down among the trees as well as she could , for her neck kept getting entangled among the branches , and every now and then she had to stop and untwist it . after a while she remembered that she still held the pieces of mushroom in her hands , and she set to work very carefully , nibbling first at one and then at the other , and growing sometimes taller and sometimes shorter , until she had succeeded in bringing herself down to her usual height . it was so long since she had been anything near the right size , that it felt quite strange at first but she got used to it in a few minutes , and began talking to herself , as usual . come , theres half my plan done now . how puzzling all these changes are . im never sure what im going to be , from one minute to another . however , ive got back to my right size the next thing is , to get into that beautiful garden  is that to be done , i wonder . as she said this , she came suddenly upon an open place , with a little house in it about four feet high . whoever lives there , thought alice , itll never do to come upon them this size why , i should frighten them out of their wits . so she began nibbling at the righthand bit again , and did not venture to go near the house till she had brought herself down to nine inches high . chapter vi . pig and pepper for a minute or two she stood looking at the house , and wondering what to do next , when suddenly a footman in livery came running out of the wood  considered him to be a footman because he was in livery otherwise , judging by his face only , she would have called him a fish  rapped loudly at the door with his knuckles . it was opened by another footman in livery , with a round face , and large eyes like a frog and both footmen , alice noticed , had powdered hair that curled all over their heads . she felt very curious to know what it was all about , and crept a little way out of the wood to listen . the fish footman began by producing from under his arm a great letter , nearly as large as himself , and this he handed over to the other , saying , in a solemn tone , for the duchess . an invitation from the queen to play croquet . the frog footman repeated , in the same solemn tone , only changing the order of the words a little , from the queen . an invitation for the duchess to play croquet . then they both bowed low , and their curls got entangled together . alice laughed so much at this , that she had to run back into the wood for fear of their hearing her and when she next peeped out the fish footman was gone , and the other was sitting on the ground near the door , staring stupidly up into the sky . alice went timidly up to the door , and knocked . theres no sort of use in knocking , said the footman , and that for two reasons . first , because im on the same side of the door as you are secondly , because theyre making such a noise inside , no one could possibly hear you . and certainly there was a most extraordinary noise going on within  constant howling and sneezing , and every now and then a great crash , as if a dish or kettle had been broken to pieces . please , then , said alice , how am i to get in . there might be some sense in your knocking , the footman went on without attending to her , if we had the door between us . for instance , if you were inside , you might knock , and i could let you out , you know . he was looking up into the sky all the time he was speaking , and this alice thought decidedly uncivil . but perhaps he cant help it , she said to herself his eyes are so very nearly at the top of his head . but at any rate he might answer questions . am i to get in . she repeated , aloud . i shall sit here , the footman remarked , till tomorrow  at this moment the door of the house opened , and a large plate came skimming out , straight at the footmans head it just grazed his nose , and broke to pieces against one of the trees behind him . next day , maybe , the footman continued in the same tone , exactly as if nothing had happened . how am i to get in . asked alice again , in a louder tone . are you to get in at all . said the footman . thats the first question , you know . it was , no doubt only alice did not like to be told so . its really dreadful , she muttered to herself , the way all the creatures argue . its enough to drive one crazy . the footman seemed to think this a good opportunity for repeating his remark , with variations . i shall sit here , he said , on and off , for days and days . but what am i to do . said alice . anything you like , said the footman , and began whistling . oh , theres no use in talking to him , said alice desperately hes perfectly idiotic . and she opened the door and went in . the door led right into a large kitchen , which was full of smoke from one end to the other the duchess was sitting on a three legged stool in the middle , nursing a baby the cook was leaning over the fire , stirring a large cauldron which seemed to be full of soup . theres certainly too much pepper in that soup . alice said to herself , as well as she could for sneezing . there was certainly too much of it in the air . even the duchess sneezed occasionally and as for the baby , it was sneezing and howling alternately without a moments pause . the only things in the kitchen that did not sneeze , were the cook , and a large cat which was sitting on the hearth and grinning from ear to ear . please would you tell me , said alice , a little timidly , for she was not quite sure whether it was good manners for her to speak first , why your cat grins like that . its a cheshire cat , said the duchess , and thats why . pig . she said the last word with such sudden violence that alice quite jumped but she saw in another moment that it was addressed to the baby , and not to her , so she took courage , and went on again  i didnt know that cheshire cats always grinned in fact , i didnt know that cats could grin . they all can , said the duchess and most of em do . i dont know of any that do , alice said very politely , feeling quite pleased to have got into a conversation . you dont know much , said the duchess and thats a fact . alice did not at all like the tone of this remark , and thought it would be as well to introduce some other subject of conversation . while she was trying to fix on one , the cook took the cauldron of soup off the fire , and at once set to work throwing everything within her reach at the duchess and the baby  fire irons came first then followed a shower of saucepans , plates , and dishes . the duchess took no notice of them even when they hit her and the baby was howling so much already , that it was quite impossible to say whether the blows hurt it or not . oh , please mind what youre doing . cried alice , jumping up and down in an agony of terror . oh , there goes his precious nose as an unusually large saucepan flew close by it , and very nearly carried it off . if everybody minded their own business , the duchess said in a hoarse growl , the world would go round a deal faster than it does . which would not be an advantage , said alice , who felt very glad to get an opportunity of showing off a little of her knowledge . just think of what work it would make with the day and night . you see the earth takes twenty four hours to turn round on its axis  talking of axes , said the duchess , chop off her head . alice glanced rather anxiously at the cook , to see if she meant to take the hint but the cook was busily stirring the soup , and seemed not to be listening , so she went on again twenty four hours , i think or is it twelve . i  oh , dont bother me , said the duchess i never could abide figures . and with that she began nursing her child again , singing a sort of lullaby to it as she did so , and giving it a violent shake at the end of every line speak roughly to your little boy , and beat him when he sneezes he only does it to annoy , because he knows it teases . chorus . wow . wow . wow . while the duchess sang the second verse of the song , she kept tossing the baby violently up and down , and the poor little thing howled so , that alice could hardly hear the words  i speak severely to my boy , i beat him when he sneezes for he can thoroughly enjoy the pepper when he pleases . chorus . wow . wow . wow . here . you may nurse it a bit , if you like . the duchess said to alice , flinging the baby at her as she spoke . i must go and get ready to play croquet with the queen , and she hurried out of the room . the cook threw a frying pan after her as she went out , but it just missed her . alice caught the baby with some difficulty , as it was a queer shaped little creature , and held out its arms and legs in all directions , just like a star fish, , thought alice . the poor little thing was snorting like a steam engine when she caught it , and kept doubling itself up and straightening itself out again , so that altogether , for the first minute or two , it was as much as she could do to hold it . as soon as she had made out the proper way of nursing it , which was to twist it up into a sort of knot , and then keep tight hold of its right ear and left foot , so as to prevent its undoing itself , she carried it out into the open air . if i dont take this child away with me , thought alice , theyre sure to kill it in a day or two wouldnt it be murder to leave it behind . she said the last words out loud , and the little thing grunted in reply . dont grunt , said alice thats not at all a proper way of expressing yourself . the baby grunted again , and alice looked very anxiously into its face to see what was the matter with it . there could be no doubt that it had a very turn up nose , much more like a snout than a real nose also its eyes were getting extremely small for a baby altogether alice did not like the look of the thing at all . but perhaps it was only sobbing , she thought , and looked into its eyes again , to see if there were any tears . no , there were no tears . if youre going to turn into a pig , my dear , said alice , seriously , ill have nothing more to do with you . mind now . the poor little thing sobbed again or grunted , it was impossible to say which , and they went on for some while in silence . alice was just beginning to think to herself , now , what am i to do with this creature when i get it home . when it grunted again , so violently , that she looked down into its face in some alarm . this time there could be no mistake about it was neither more nor less than a pig , and she felt that it would be quite absurd for her to carry it further . so she set the little creature down , and felt quite relieved to see it trot away quietly into the wood . if it had grown up , she said to herself , it would have made a dreadfully ugly child but it makes rather a handsome pig , i think . and she began thinking over other children she knew , who might do very well as pigs , and was just saying to herself , if one only knew the right way to change them  when she was a little startled by seeing the cheshire cat sitting on a bough of a tree a few yards off . the cat only grinned when it saw alice . it looked good natured, , she thought still it had very long claws and a great many teeth , so she felt that it ought to be treated with respect . cheshire puss , she began , rather timidly , as she did not at all know whether it would like the name however , it only grinned a little wider . come , its pleased so far , thought alice , and she went on . would you tell me , please , which way i ought to go from here . that depends a good deal on where you want to get to , said the cat . i dont much care where  said alice . then it doesnt matter which way you go , said the cat . long as i get somewhere , alice added as an explanation . oh , youre sure to do that , said the cat , if you only walk long enough . alice felt that this could not be denied , so she tried another question . what sort of people live about here . in that direction , the cat said , waving its right paw round , lives a hatter and in that direction , waving the other paw , lives a march hare . visit either you like theyre both mad . but i dont want to go among mad people , alice remarked . oh , you cant help that , said the cat were all mad here . im mad . youre mad . how do you know im mad . said alice . you must be , said the cat , or you wouldnt have come here . alice didnt think that proved it at all however , she went on and how do you know that youre mad . to begin with , said the cat , a dogs not mad . you grant that . i suppose so , said alice . well , then , the cat went on , you see , a dog growls when its angry , and wags its tail when its pleased . now i growl when im pleased , and wag my tail when im angry . therefore im mad . i call it purring , not growling , said alice . call it what you like , said the cat . do you play croquet with the queen to day . i should like it very much , said alice , but i havent been invited yet . youll see me there , said the cat , and vanished . alice was not much surprised at this , she was getting so used to queer things happening . while she was looking at the place where it had been , it suddenly appeared again . by the , what became of the baby . said the cat . id nearly forgotten to ask . it turned into a pig , alice quietly said , just as if it had come back in a natural way . i thought it would , said the cat , and vanished again . alice waited a little , half expecting to see it again , but it did not appear , and after a minute or two she walked on in the direction in which the march hare was said to live . ive seen hatters before , she said to herself the march hare will be much the most interesting , and perhaps as this is may it wont be raving mad  least not so mad as it was in march . as she said this , she looked up , and there was the cat again , sitting on a branch of a tree . did you say pig , or fig . said the cat . i said pig , replied alice and i wish you wouldnt keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly you make one quite giddy . all right , said the cat and this time it vanished quite slowly , beginning with the end of the tail , and ending with the grin , which remained some time after the rest of it had gone . well . ive often seen a cat without a grin , thought alice but a grin without a cat . its the most curious thing i ever saw in my life . she had not gone much farther before she came in sight of the house of the march hare she thought it must be the right house , because the chimneys were shaped like ears and the roof was thatched with fur . it was so large a house , that she did not like to go nearer till she had nibbled some more of the lefthand bit of mushroom , and raised herself to about two feet high even then she walked up towards it rather timidly , saying to herself suppose it should be raving mad after all . i almost wish id gone to see the hatter instead . chapter vii . a mad tea party there was a table set out under a tree in front of the house , and the march hare and the hatter were having tea at it a dormouse was sitting between them , fast asleep , and the other two were using it as a cushion , resting their elbows on it , and talking over its head . very uncomfortable for the dormouse , thought alice only , as its asleep , i suppose it doesnt mind . the table was a large one , but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it no room . no room . they cried out when they saw alice coming . theres plenty of room . said alice indignantly , and she sat down in a large arm chair at one end of the table . have some wine , the march hare said in an encouraging tone . alice looked all round the table , but there was nothing on it but tea . i dont see any wine , she remarked . there isnt any , said the march hare . then it wasnt very civil of you to offer it , said alice angrily . it wasnt very civil of you to sit down without being invited , said the march hare . i didnt know it was your table , said alice its laid for a great many more than three . your hair wants cutting , said the hatter . he had been looking at alice for some time with great curiosity , and this was his first speech . you should learn not to make personal remarks , alice said with some severity its very rude . the hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this but all he said was , why is a raven like a writing desk . come , we shall have some fun now . thought alice . im glad theyve begun asking riddles . believe i can guess that , she added aloud . do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it . said the march hare . exactly so , said alice . then you should say what you mean , the march hare went on . i do , alice hastily replied at least  i mean what i say  the same thing , you know . not the same thing a bit . said the hatter . you might just as well say that i see what i eat is the same thing as i eat what i see . you might just as well say , added the march hare , that i like what i get is the same thing as i get what i like . you might just as well say , added the dormouse , who seemed to be talking in his sleep , that i breathe when i sleep is the same thing as i sleep when i breathe . it is the same thing with you , said the hatter , and here the conversation dropped , and the party sat silent for a minute , while alice thought over all she could remember about ravens and writing desks, , which wasnt much . the hatter was the first to break the silence . what day of the month is it . he said , turning to alice he had taken his watch out of his pocket , and was looking at it uneasily , shaking it every now and then , and holding it to his ear . alice considered a little , and then said the fourth . two days wrong . sighed the hatter . i told you butter wouldnt suit the works . he added looking angrily at the march hare . it was the best butter , the march hare meekly replied . yes , but some crumbs must have got in as well , the hatter grumbled you shouldnt have put it in with the bread knife . the march hare took the watch and looked at it gloomily then he dipped it into his cup of tea , and looked at it again but he could think of nothing better to say than his first remark , it was the best butter , you know . alice had been looking over his shoulder with some curiosity . what a funny watch . she remarked . it tells the day of the month , and doesnt tell what oclock it is . why should it . muttered the hatter . does your watch tell you what year it is . of course not , alice replied very readily but thats because it stays the same year for such a long time together . which is just the case with mine , said the hatter . alice felt dreadfully puzzled . the hatters remark seemed to have no sort of meaning in it , and yet it was certainly english . i dont quite understand you , she said , as politely as she could . the dormouse is asleep again , said the hatter , and he poured a little hot tea upon its nose . the dormouse shook its head impatiently , and said , without opening its eyes , of course , of course just what i was going to remark myself . have you guessed the riddle yet . the hatter said , turning to alice again . no , i give it up , alice replied whats the answer . i havent the slightest idea , said the hatter . nor i , said the march hare . alice sighed wearily . i think you might do something better with the time , she said , than waste it in asking riddles that have no answers . if you knew time as well as i do , said the hatter , you wouldnt talk about wasting it . its him . i dont know what you mean , said alice . of course you dont . the hatter said , tossing his head contemptuously . i dare say you never even spoke to time . perhaps not , alice cautiously replied but i know i have to beat time when i learn music . ah . that accounts for it , said the hatter . he wont stand beating . now , if you only kept on good terms with him , hed do almost anything you liked with the clock . for instance , suppose it were nine oclock in the morning , just time to begin lessons youd only have to whisper a hint to time , and round goes the clock in a twinkling . half past one , time for dinner . i only wish it was , the march hare said to itself in a whisper . that would be grand , certainly , said alice thoughtfully but then  shouldnt be hungry for it , you know . not at first , perhaps , said the hatter but you could keep it to half past one as long as you liked . is that the way you manage . alice asked . the hatter shook his head mournfully . not i . he replied . we quarrelled last march  before he went mad , you know  pointing with his tea spoon at the march hare , was at the great concert given by the queen of hearts , and i had to sing twinkle , little bat . how i wonder what youre at . you know the song , perhaps . ive heard something like it , said alice . it goes on , you know , the hatter continued , in this way  up above the world you fly , like a tea tray in the sky . twinkle , here the dormouse shook itself , and began singing in its sleep twinkle , and went on so long that they had to pinch it to make it stop . well , id hardly finished the first verse , said the hatter , when the queen jumped up and bawled out , hes murdering the time . off with his head . how dreadfully savage . exclaimed alice . and ever since that , the hatter went on in a mournful tone , he wont do a thing i ask . its always six oclock now . a bright idea came into alices head . is that the reason so many tea things are put out here . she asked . yes , thats it , said the hatter with a sigh its always tea time, , and weve no time to wash the things between whiles . then you keep moving round , i suppose . said alice . exactly so , said the hatter as the things get used up . but what happens when you come to the beginning again . alice ventured to ask . suppose we change the subject , the march hare interrupted , yawning . im getting tired of this . i vote the young lady tells us a story . im afraid i dont know one , said alice , rather alarmed at the proposal . then the dormouse shall . they both cried . wake up , dormouse . and they pinched it on both sides at once . the dormouse slowly opened his eyes . i wasnt asleep , he said in a hoarse , feeble voice i heard every word you fellows were saying . tell us a story . said the march hare . yes , please do . pleaded alice . and be quick about it , added the hatter , or youll be asleep again before its done . once upon a time there were three little sisters , the dormouse began in a great hurry and their names were elsie , lacie , and tillie and they lived at the bottom of a well  what did they live on . said alice , who always took a great interest in questions of eating and drinking . they lived on treacle , said the dormouse , after thinking a minute or two . they couldnt have done that , you know , alice gently remarked theyd have been ill . so they were , said the dormouse very ill . alice tried to fancy to herself what such an extraordinary ways of living would be like , but it puzzled her too much , so she went on but why did they live at the bottom of a well . take some more tea , the march hare said to alice , very earnestly . ive had nothing yet , alice replied in an offended tone , so i cant take more . you mean you cant take less , said the hatter its very easy to take more than nothing . nobody asked your opinion , said alice . whos making personal remarks now . the hatter asked triumphantly . alice did not quite know what to say to this so she helped herself to some tea and bread and , and then turned to the dormouse , and repeated her question . why did they live at the bottom of a well . the dormouse again took a minute or two to think about it , and then said , it was a treacle well . theres no such thing . alice was beginning very angrily , but the hatter and the march hare went sh . sh . and the dormouse sulkily remarked , if you cant be civil , youd better finish the story for yourself . no , please go on . alice said very humbly i wont interrupt again . i dare say there may be one . one , indeed . said the dormouse indignantly . however , he consented to go on . and so these three little sisters  were learning to draw , you know  what did they draw . said alice , quite forgetting her promise . treacle , said the dormouse , without considering at all this time . i want a clean cup , interrupted the hatter lets all move one place on . he moved on as he spoke , and the dormouse followed him the march hare moved into the dormouses place , and alice rather unwillingly took the place of the march hare . the hatter was the only one who got any advantage from the change and alice was a good deal worse off than before , as the march hare had just upset the milk jug into his plate . alice did not wish to offend the dormouse again , so she began very cautiously but i dont understand . where did they draw the treacle from . you can draw water out of a water well, , said the hatter so i should think you could draw treacle out of a treacle well , stupid . but they were in the well , alice said to the dormouse , not choosing to notice this last remark . of course they were , said the dormouse in . this answer so confused poor alice , that she let the dormouse go on for some time without interrupting it . they were learning to draw , the dormouse went on , yawning and rubbing its eyes , for it was getting very sleepy and they drew all manner of things  that begins with an m  why with an m . said alice . why not . said the march hare . alice was silent . the dormouse had closed its eyes by this time , and was going off into a doze but , on being pinched by the hatter , it woke up again with a little shriek , and went on begins with an m , such as mouse traps, , and the moon , and memory , and muchness  know you say things are much of a muchness  you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness . really , now you ask me , said alice , very much confused , i dont think  then you shouldnt talk , said the hatter . this piece of rudeness was more than alice could bear she got up in great disgust , and walked off the dormouse fell asleep instantly , and neither of the others took the least notice of her going , though she looked back once or twice , half hoping that they would call after her the last time she saw them , they were trying to put the dormouse into the teapot . at any rate ill never go there again . said alice as she picked her way through the wood . its the stupidest tea party i ever was at in all my life . just as she said this , she noticed that one of the trees had a door leading right into it . thats very curious . she thought . but everythings curious today . i think i may as well go in at once . and in she went . once more she found herself in the long hall , and close to the little glass table . now , ill manage better this time , she said to herself , and began by taking the little golden key , and unlocking the door that led into the garden . then she went to work nibbling at the mushroom she had kept a piece of it in her pocket till she was about a foot high then she walked down the little passage and then  found herself at last in the beautiful garden , among the bright flower beds and the cool fountains . chapter viii . the queens croquet ground a large rose tree stood near the entrance of the garden the roses growing on it were white , but there were three gardeners at it , busily painting them red . alice thought this a very curious thing , and she went nearer to watch them , and just as she came up to them she heard one of them say , look out now , five . dont go splashing paint over me like that . i couldnt help it , said five , in a sulky tone seven jogged my elbow . on which seven looked up and said , thats right , five . always lay the blame on others . youd better not talk . said five . i heard the queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded . what for . said the one who had spoken first . thats none of your business , two . said seven . yes , it is his business . said five , and ill tell him  was for bringing the cook tulip roots instead of onions . seven flung down his brush , and had just begun well , of all the unjust things  when his eye chanced to fall upon alice , as she stood watching them , and he checked himself suddenly the others looked round also , and all of them bowed low . would you tell me , said alice , a little timidly , why you are painting those roses . five and seven said nothing , but looked at two . two began in a low voice , why the fact is , you see , miss , this here ought to have been a red rose tree, , and we put a white one in by mistake and if the queen was to find it out , we should all have our heads cut off , you know . so you see , miss , were doing our best , afore she comes , to  at this moment five , who had been anxiously looking across the garden , called out the queen . the queen . and the three gardeners instantly threw themselves flat upon their faces . there was a sound of many footsteps , and alice looked round , eager to see the queen . first came ten soldiers carrying clubs these were all shaped like the three gardeners , oblong and flat , with their hands and feet at the corners next the ten courtiers these were ornamented all over with diamonds , and walked two and two , as the soldiers did . after these came the royal children there were ten of them , and the little dears came jumping merrily along hand in hand , in couples they were all ornamented with hearts . next came the guests , mostly kings and queens , and among them alice recognised the white rabbit it was talking in a hurried nervous manner , smiling at everything that was said , and went by without noticing her . then followed the knave of hearts , carrying the kings crown on a crimson velvet cushion and , last of all this grand procession , came the king and queen of hearts . alice was rather doubtful whether she ought not to lie down on her face like the three gardeners , but she could not remember ever having heard of such a rule at processions and besides , what would be the use of a procession , thought she , if people had all to lie down upon their faces , so that they couldnt see it . so she stood still where she was , and waited . when the procession came opposite to alice , they all stopped and looked at her , and the queen said severely who is this . she said it to the knave of hearts , who only bowed and smiled in reply . idiot . said the queen , tossing her head impatiently and , turning to alice , she went on , whats your name , child . my name is alice , so please your majesty , said alice very politely but she added , to herself , why , theyre only a pack of cards , after all . i neednt be afraid of them . and who are these . said the queen , pointing to the three gardeners who were lying round the rosetree for , you see , as they were lying on their faces , and the pattern on their backs was the same as the rest of the pack , she could not tell whether they were gardeners , or soldiers , or courtiers , or three of her own children . how should i know . said alice , surprised at her own courage . its no business of mine . the queen turned crimson with fury , and , after glaring at her for a moment like a wild beast , screamed off with her head . off  nonsense . said alice , very loudly and decidedly , and the queen was silent . the king laid his hand upon her arm , and timidly said consider , my dear she is only a child . the queen turned angrily away from him , and said to the knave turn them over . the knave did so , very carefully , with one foot . get up . said the queen , in a shrill , loud voice , and the three gardeners instantly jumped up , and began bowing to the king , the queen , the royal children , and everybody else . leave off that . screamed the queen . you make me giddy . and then , turning to the rose tree, , she went on , what have you been doing here . may it please your majesty , said two , in a very humble tone , going down on one knee as he spoke , we were trying  i see . said the queen , who had meanwhile been examining the roses . off with their heads . and the procession moved on , three of the soldiers remaining behind to execute the unfortunate gardeners , who ran to alice for protection . you shant be beheaded . said alice , and she put them into a large flower pot that stood near . the three soldiers wandered about for a minute or two , looking for them , and then quietly marched off after the others . are their heads off . shouted the queen . their heads are gone , if it please your majesty . the soldiers shouted in reply . thats right . shouted the queen . can you play croquet . the soldiers were silent , and looked at alice , as the question was evidently meant for her . yes . shouted alice . come on , then . roared the queen , and alice joined the procession , wondering very much what would happen next . its  a very fine day . said a timid voice at her side . she was walking by the white rabbit , who was peeping anxiously into her face . very , said alice the duchess . hush . hush . said the rabbit in a low , hurried tone . he looked anxiously over his shoulder as he spoke , and then raised himself upon tiptoe , put his mouth close to her ear , and whispered shes under sentence of execution . what for . said alice . did you say what a pity .  . the rabbit asked . no , i didnt , said alice i dont think its at all a pity . i said what for . she boxed the queens ears  the rabbit began . alice gave a little scream of laughter . oh , hush . the rabbit whispered in a frightened tone . the queen will hear you . you see , she came rather late , and the queen said  get to your places . shouted the queen in a voice of thunder , and people began running about in all directions , tumbling up against each other however , they got settled down in a minute or two , and the game began . alice thought she had never seen such a curious croquet ground in her life it was all ridges and furrows the balls were live hedgehogs , the mallets live flamingoes , and the soldiers had to double themselves up and to stand on their hands and feet , to make the arches . the chief difficulty alice found at first was in managing her flamingo she succeeded in getting its body tucked away , comfortably enough , under her arm , with its legs hanging down , but generally , just as she had got its neck nicely straightened out , and was going to give the hedgehog a blow with its head , it would twist itself round and look up in her face , with such a puzzled expression that she could not help bursting out laughing and when she had got its head down , and was going to begin again , it was very provoking to find that the hedgehog had unrolled itself , and was in the act of crawling away besides all this , there was generally a ridge or furrow in the way wherever she wanted to send the hedgehog to , and , as the doubled up soldiers were always getting up and walking off to other parts of the ground , alice soon came to the conclusion that it was a very difficult game indeed . the players all played at once without waiting for turns , quarrelling all the while , and fighting for the hedgehogs and in a very short time the queen was in a furious passion , and went stamping about , and shouting off with his head . or off with her head . about once in a minute . alice began to feel very uneasy to be sure , she had not as yet had any dispute with the queen , but she knew that it might happen any minute , and then , thought she , what would become of me . theyre dreadfully fond of beheading people here the great wonder is , that theres any one left alive . she was looking about for some way of escape , and wondering whether she could get away without being seen , when she noticed a curious appearance in the air it puzzled her very much at first , but , after watching it a minute or two , she made it out to be a grin , and she said to herself its the cheshire cat now i shall have somebody to talk to . how are you getting on . said the cat , as soon as there was mouth enough for it to speak with . alice waited till the eyes appeared , and then nodded . its no use speaking to it , she thought , till its ears have come , or at least one of them . in another minute the whole head appeared , and then alice put down her flamingo , and began an account of the game , feeling very glad she had someone to listen to her . the cat seemed to think that there was enough of it now in sight , and no more of it appeared . i dont think they play at all fairly , alice began , in rather a complaining tone , and they all quarrel so dreadfully one cant hear oneself speak  they dont seem to have any rules in particular at least , if there are , nobody attends to them  youve no idea how confusing it is all the things being alive for instance , theres the arch ive got to go through next walking about at the other end of the ground  i should have croqueted the queens hedgehog just now , only it ran away when it saw mine coming . how do you like the queen . said the cat in a low voice . not at all , said alice shes so extremely  just then she noticed that the queen was close behind her , listening so she went on , to win , that its hardly worth while finishing the game . the queen smiled and passed on . who are you talking to . said the king , going up to alice , and looking at the cats head with great curiosity . its a friend of mine  cheshire cat , said alice allow me to introduce it . i dont like the look of it at all , said the king however , it may kiss my hand if it likes . id rather not , the cat remarked . dont be impertinent , said the king , and dont look at me like that . he got behind alice as he spoke . a cat may look at a king , said alice . ive read that in some book , but i dont remember where . well , it must be removed , said the king very decidedly , and he called the queen , who was passing at the moment , my dear . i wish you would have this cat removed . the queen had only one way of settling all difficulties , great or small . off with his head . she said , without even looking round . ill fetch the executioner myself , said the king eagerly , and he hurried off . alice thought she might as well go back , and see how the game was going on , as she heard the queens voice in the distance , screaming with passion . she had already heard her sentence three of the players to be executed for having missed their turns , and she did not like the look of things at all , as the game was in such confusion that she never knew whether it was her turn or not . so she went in search of her hedgehog . the hedgehog was engaged in a fight with another hedgehog , which seemed to alice an excellent opportunity for croqueting one of them with the other the only difficulty was , that her flamingo was gone across to the other side of the garden , where alice could see it trying in a helpless sort of way to fly up into a tree . by the time she had caught the flamingo and brought it back , the fight was over , and both the hedgehogs were out of sight but it doesnt matter much , thought alice , as all the arches are gone from this side of the ground . so she tucked it away under her arm , that it might not escape again , and went back for a little more conversation with her friend . when she got back to the cheshire cat , she was surprised to find quite a large crowd collected round it there was a dispute going on between the executioner , the king , and the queen , who were all talking at once , while all the rest were quite silent , and looked very uncomfortable . the moment alice appeared , she was appealed to by all three to settle the question , and they repeated their arguments to her , though , as they all spoke at once , she found it very hard indeed to make out exactly what they said . the executioners argument was , that you couldnt cut off a head unless there was a body to cut it off from that he had never had to do such a thing before , and he wasnt going to begin at his time of life . the kings argument was , that anything that had a head could be beheaded , and that you werent to talk nonsense . the queens argument was , that if something wasnt done about it in less than no time shed have everybody executed , all round . it was this last remark that had made the whole party look so grave and anxious . alice could think of nothing else to say but it belongs to the duchess youd better ask her about it . shes in prison , the queen said to the executioner fetch her here . and the executioner went off like an arrow . the cats head began fading away the moment he was gone , and , by the time he had come back with the duchess , it had entirely disappeared so the king and the executioner ran wildly up and down looking for it , while the rest of the party went back to the game . chapter ix . the mock turtles story you cant think how glad i am to see you again , you dear old thing . said the duchess , as she tucked her arm affectionately into alices , and they walked off together . alice was very glad to find her in such a pleasant temper , and thought to herself that perhaps it was only the pepper that had made her so savage when they met in the kitchen . when im a duchess , she said to herself , not in a very hopeful tone though , i wont have any pepper in my kitchen at all . soup does very well without  its always pepper that makes people hot tempered, , she went on , very much pleased at having found out a new kind of rule , and vinegar that makes them sour  camomile that makes them bitter  barley sugar and such things that make children sweet tempered . i only wish people knew that then they wouldnt be so stingy about it , you know  she had quite forgotten the duchess by this time , and was a little startled when she heard her voice close to her ear . youre thinking about something , my dear , and that makes you forget to talk . i cant tell you just now what the moral of that is , but i shall remember it in a bit . perhaps it hasnt one , alice ventured to remark . tut , child . said the duchess . everythings got a moral , if only you can find it . and she squeezed herself up closer to alices side as she spoke . alice did not much like keeping so close to her first , because the duchess was very ugly and secondly , because she was exactly the right height to rest her chin upon alices shoulder , and it was an uncomfortably sharp chin . however , she did not like to be rude , so she bore it as well as she could . the games going on rather better now , she said , by way of keeping up the conversation a little . tis so , said the duchess and the moral of that is  , tis love , tis love , that makes the world go round . somebody said , alice whispered , that its done by everybody minding their own business . ah , well . it means much the same thing , said the duchess , digging her sharp little chin into alices shoulder as she added , and the moral of that is  care of the sense , and the sounds will take care of themselves . how fond she is of finding morals in things . alice thought to herself . i dare say youre wondering why i dont put my arm round your waist , the duchess said after a pause the reason is , that im doubtful about the temper of your flamingo . shall i try the experiment . he might bite , alice cautiously replied , not feeling at all anxious to have the experiment tried . very true , said the duchess flamingoes and mustard both bite . and the moral of that is  of a feather flock together . only mustard isnt a bird , alice remarked . right , as usual , said the duchess what a clear way you have of putting things . its a mineral , i think , said alice . of course it is , said the duchess , who seemed ready to agree to everything that alice said theres a large mustard mine near here . and the moral of that is  more there is of mine , the less there is of yours . oh , i know . exclaimed alice , who had not attended to this last remark , its a vegetable . it doesnt look like one , but it is . i quite agree with you , said the duchess and the moral of that is  what you would seem to be  if youd like it put more simply  imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise . i think i should understand that better , alice said very politely , if i had it written down but i cant quite follow it as you say it . thats nothing to what i could say if i chose , the duchess replied , in a pleased tone . pray dont trouble yourself to say it any longer than that , said alice . oh , dont talk about trouble . said the duchess . i make you a present of everything ive said as yet . a cheap sort of present . thought alice . im glad they dont give birthday presents like that . but she did not venture to say it out loud . thinking again . the duchess asked , with another dig of her sharp little chin . ive a right to think , said alice sharply , for she was beginning to feel a little worried . just about as much right , said the duchess , as pigs have to fly and the m  but here , to alices great surprise , the duchesss voice died away , even in the middle of her favourite word moral , and the arm that was linked into hers began to tremble . alice looked up , and there stood the queen in front of them , with her arms folded , frowning like a thunderstorm . a fine day , your majesty . the duchess began in a low , weak voice . now , i give you fair warning , shouted the queen , stamping on the ground as she spoke either you or your head must be off , and that in about half no time . take your choice . the duchess took her choice , and was gone in a moment . lets go on with the game , the queen said to alice and alice was too much frightened to say a word , but slowly followed her back to the croquet ground . the other guests had taken advantage of the queens absence , and were resting in the shade however , the moment they saw her , they hurried back to the game , the queen merely remarking that a moments delay would cost them their lives . all the time they were playing the queen never left off quarrelling with the other players , and shouting off with his head . or off with her head . those whom she sentenced were taken into custody by the soldiers , who of course had to leave off being arches to do this , so that by the end of half an hour or so there were no arches left , and all the players , except the king , the queen , and alice , were in custody and under sentence of execution . then the queen left off , quite out of breath , and said to alice , have you seen the mock turtle yet . no , said alice . i dont even know what a mock turtle is . its the thing mock turtle soup is made from , said the queen . i never saw one , or heard of one , said alice . come on , then , said the queen , and he shall tell you his history , as they walked off together , alice heard the king say in a low voice , to the company generally , you are all pardoned . come , thats a good thing . she said to herself , for she had felt quite unhappy at the number of executions the queen had ordered . they very soon came upon a gryphon , lying fast asleep in the sun . up , lazy thing . said the queen , and take this young lady to see the mock turtle , and to hear his history . i must go back and see after some executions i have ordered and she walked off , leaving alice alone with the gryphon . alice did not quite like the look of the creature , but on the whole she thought it would be quite as safe to stay with it as to go after that savage queen so she waited . the gryphon sat up and rubbed its eyes then it watched the queen till she was out of sight then it chuckled . what fun . said the gryphon , half to itself , half to alice . what is the fun . said alice . why , she , said the gryphon . its all her fancy , that they never executes nobody , you know . come on . everybody says come on . here , thought alice , as she went slowly after it i never was so ordered about in all my life , never . they had not gone far before they saw the mock turtle in the distance , sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock , and , as they came nearer , alice could hear him sighing as if his heart would break . she pitied him deeply . what is his sorrow . she asked the gryphon , and the gryphon answered , very nearly in the same words as before , its all his fancy , that he hasnt got no sorrow , you know . come on . so they went up to the mock turtle , who looked at them with large eyes full of tears , but said nothing . this here young lady , said the gryphon , she wants for to know your history , she do . ill tell it her , said the mock turtle in a deep , hollow tone sit down , both of you , and dont speak a word till ive finished . so they sat down , and nobody spoke for some minutes . alice thought to herself , i dont see how he can even finish , if he doesnt begin . but she waited patiently . once , said the mock turtle at last , with a deep sigh , i was a real turtle . these words were followed by a very long silence , broken only by an occasional exclamation of hjckrrh . from the gryphon , and the constant heavy sobbing of the mock turtle . alice was very nearly getting up and saying , thank you , sir , for your interesting story , but she could not help thinking there must be more to come , so she sat still and said nothing . when we were little , the mock turtle went on at last , more calmly , though still sobbing a little now and then , we went to school in the sea . the master was an old turtle  used to call him tortoise  why did you call him tortoise , if he wasnt one . alice asked . we called him tortoise because he taught us , said the mock turtle angrily really you are very dull . you ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question , added the gryphon and then they both sat silent and looked at poor alice , who felt ready to sink into the earth . at last the gryphon said to the mock turtle , drive on , old fellow . dont be all day about it . and he went on in these words yes , we went to school in the sea , though you maynt believe it  i never said i didnt . interrupted alice . you did , said the mock turtle . hold your tongue . added the gryphon , before alice could speak again . the mock turtle went on . we had the best of educations  fact , we went to school every day  ive been to a day school, , too , said alice you neednt be so proud as all that . with extras . asked the mock turtle a little anxiously . yes , said alice , we learned french and music . and washing . said the mock turtle . certainly not . said alice indignantly . ah . then yours wasnt a really good school , said the mock turtle in a tone of great relief . now at ours they had at the end of the bill , french , music , and washing  . you couldnt have wanted it much , said alice living at the bottom of the sea . i couldnt afford to learn it . said the mock turtle with a sigh . i only took the regular course . what was that . inquired alice . reeling and writhing , of course , to begin with , the mock turtle replied and then the different branches of arithmetic  , distraction , uglification , and derision . i never heard of uglification , alice ventured to say . what is it . the gryphon lifted up both its paws in surprise . what . never heard of uglifying . it exclaimed . you know what to beautify is , i suppose . yes , said alice doubtfully it means  . well , then , the gryphon went on , if you dont know what to uglify is , you are a simpleton . alice did not feel encouraged to ask any more questions about it , so she turned to the mock turtle , and said what else had you to learn . well , there was mystery , the mock turtle replied , counting off the subjects on his flappers , ancient and modern , with seaography then drawling  was an old conger eel, , that used to come once a week he taught us drawling , stretching , and fainting in coils . what was that like . said alice . well , i cant show it you myself , the mock turtle said im too stiff . and the gryphon never learnt it . hadnt time , said the gryphon i went to the classics master , though . he was an old crab , he was . i never went to him , the mock turtle said with a sigh he taught laughing and grief , they used to say . so he did , so he did , said the gryphon , sighing in his turn and both creatures hid their faces in their paws . and how many hours a day did you do lessons . said alice , in a hurry to change the subject . ten hours the first day , said the mock turtle nine the next , and so on . what a curious plan . exclaimed alice . thats the reason theyre called lessons , the gryphon remarked because they lessen from day to day . this was quite a new idea to alice , and she thought it over a little before she made her next remark . then the eleventh day must have been a holiday . of course it was , said the mock turtle . and how did you manage on the twelfth . alice went on eagerly . thats enough about lessons , the gryphon interrupted in a very decided tone tell her something about the games now . chapter x . the lobster quadrille the mock turtle sighed deeply , and drew the back of one flapper across his eyes . he looked at alice , and tried to speak , but for a minute or two sobs choked his voice . same as if he had a bone in his throat , said the gryphon and it set to work shaking him and punching him in the back . at last the mock turtle recovered his voice , and , with tears running down his cheeks , he went on again  you may not have lived much under the sea  i havent , said alice  perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster  alice began to say i once tasted  but checked herself hastily , and said no , never you can have no idea what a delightful thing a lobster quadrille is . no , indeed , said alice . what sort of a dance is it . why , said the gryphon , you first form into a line along the sea shore two lines . cried the mock turtle . seals , turtles , salmon , and so on then , when youve cleared all the jelly fish out of the way  that generally takes some time , interrupted the gryphon . advance twice  each with a lobster as a partner . cried the gryphon . of course , the mock turtle said advance twice , set to partners  lobsters , and retire in same order , continued the gryphon . then , you know , the mock turtle went on , you throw the  the lobsters . shouted the gryphon , with a bound into the air . far out to sea as you can  swim after them . screamed the gryphon . turn a somersault in the sea . cried the mock turtle , capering wildly about . change lobsters again . yelled the gryphon at the top of its voice . back to land again , and thats all the first figure , said the mock turtle , suddenly dropping his voice and the two creatures , who had been jumping about like mad things all this time , sat down again very sadly and quietly , and looked at alice . it must be a very pretty dance , said alice timidly . would you like to see a little of it . said the mock turtle . very much indeed , said alice . come , lets try the first figure . said the mock turtle to the gryphon . we can do without lobsters , you know . which shall sing . oh , you sing , said the gryphon . ive forgotten the words . so they began solemnly dancing round and round alice , every now and then treading on her toes when they passed too close , and waving their forepaws to mark the time , while the mock turtle sang this , very slowly and sadly  will you walk a little faster . said a whiting to a snail . theres a porpoise close behind us , and hes treading on my tail . see how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance . they are waiting on the shingle  you come and join the dance . will you , wont you , will you , wont you , will you join the dance . will you , wont you , will you , wont you , wont you join the dance . you can really have no notion how delightful it will be when they take us up and throw us , with the lobsters , out to sea . but the snail replied too far , too far . and gave a look askance  said he thanked the whiting kindly , but he would not join the dance . would not , could not , would not , could not , would not join the dance . would not , could not , would not , could not , could not join the dance . what matters it how far we go . his scaly friend replied . there is another shore , you know , upon the other side . the further off from england the nearer is to france  then turn not pale , beloved snail , but come and join the dance . will you , wont you , will you , wont you , will you join the dance . will you , wont you , will you , wont you , wont you join the dance . thank you , its a very interesting dance to watch , said alice , feeling very glad that it was over at last and i do so like that curious song about the whiting . oh , as to the whiting , said the mock turtle , they  seen them , of course . yes , said alice , ive often seen them at dinn  she checked herself hastily . i dont know where dinn may be , said the mock turtle , but if youve seen them so often , of course you know what theyre like . i believe so , alice replied thoughtfully . they have their tails in their mouths  theyre all over crumbs . youre wrong about the crumbs , said the mock turtle crumbs would all wash off in the sea . but they have their tails in their mouths and the reason is  here the mock turtle yawned and shut his eyes . her about the reason and all that , he said to the gryphon . the reason is , said the gryphon , that they would go with the lobsters to the dance . so they got thrown out to sea . so they had to fall a long way . so they got their tails fast in their mouths . so they couldnt get them out again . thats all . thank you , said alice , its very interesting . i never knew so much about a whiting before . i can tell you more than that , if you like , said the gryphon . do you know why its called a whiting . i never thought about it , said alice . why . it does the boots and shoes . the gryphon replied very solemnly . alice was thoroughly puzzled . does the boots and shoes . she repeated in a wondering tone . why , what are your shoes done with . said the gryphon . i mean , what makes them so shiny . alice looked down at them , and considered a little before she gave her answer . theyre done with blacking , i believe . boots and shoes under the sea , the gryphon went on in a deep voice , are done with a whiting . now you know . and what are they made of . alice asked in a tone of great curiosity . soles and eels , of course , the gryphon replied rather impatiently any shrimp could have told you that . if id been the whiting , said alice , whose thoughts were still running on the song , id have said to the porpoise , keep back , please we dont want you with us . they were obliged to have him with them , the mock turtle said no wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise . wouldnt it really . said alice in a tone of great surprise . of course not , said the mock turtle why , if a fish came to me , and told me he was going a journey , i should say with what porpoise . dont you mean purpose . said alice . i mean what i say , the mock turtle replied in an offended tone . and the gryphon added come , lets hear some of your adventures . i could tell you my adventures  from this morning , said alice a little timidly but its no use going back to yesterday , because i was a different person then . explain all that , said the mock turtle . no , . the adventures first , said the gryphon in an impatient tone explanations take such a dreadful time . so alice began telling them her adventures from the time when she first saw the white rabbit . she was a little nervous about it just at first , the two creatures got so close to her , one on each side , and opened their eyes and mouths so very wide , but she gained courage as she went on . her listeners were perfectly quiet till she got to the part about her repeating you are old , father william , to the caterpillar , and the words all coming different , and then the mock turtle drew a long breath , and said thats very curious . its all about as curious as it can be , said the gryphon . it all came different . the mock turtle repeated thoughtfully . i should like to hear her try and repeat something now . tell her to begin . he looked at the gryphon as if he thought it had some kind of authority over alice . stand up and repeat tis the voice of the sluggard , said the gryphon . how the creatures order one about , and make one repeat lessons . thought alice i might as well be at school at once . however , she got up , and began to repeat it , but her head was so full of the lobster quadrille , that she hardly knew what she was saying , and the words came very queer indeed  tis the voice of the lobster i heard him declare , you have baked me too brown , i must sugar my hair . as a duck with its eyelids , so he with his nose trims his belt and his buttons , and turns out his toes . later editions continued as follows when the sands are all dry , he is gay as a lark , and will talk in contemptuous tones of the shark , but , when the tide rises and sharks are around , his voice has a timid and tremulous sound . thats different from what i used to say when i was a child , said the gryphon . well , i never heard it before , said the mock turtle but it sounds uncommon nonsense . alice said nothing she had sat down with her face in her hands , wondering if anything would ever happen in a natural way again . i should like to have it explained , said the mock turtle . she cant explain it , said the gryphon hastily . go on with the next verse . but about his toes . the mock turtle persisted . how could he turn them out with his nose , you know . its the first position in dancing . alice said but was dreadfully puzzled by the whole thing , and longed to change the subject . go on with the next verse , the gryphon repeated impatiently it begins i passed by his garden . alice did not dare to disobey , though she felt sure it would all come wrong , and she went on in a trembling voice  i passed by his garden , and marked , with one eye , how the owl and the panther were sharing a pie  later editions continued as follows the panther took pie crust, , and gravy , and meat , while the owl had the dish as its share of the treat . when the pie was all finished , the owl , as a boon , was kindly permitted to pocket the spoon while the panther received knife and fork with a growl , and concluded the banquet  what is the use of repeating all that stuff , the mock turtle interrupted , if you dont explain it as you go on . its by far the most confusing thing i ever heard . yes , i think youd better leave off , said the gryphon and alice was only too glad to do so . shall we try another figure of the lobster quadrille . the gryphon went on . or would you like the mock turtle to sing you a song . oh , a song , please , if the mock turtle would be so kind , alice replied , so eagerly that the gryphon said , in a rather offended tone , hm . no accounting for tastes . sing her turtle soup , will you , old fellow . the mock turtle sighed deeply , and began , in a voice sometimes choked with sobs , to sing this  beautiful soup , so rich and green , waiting in a hot tureen . who for such dainties would not stoop . soup of the evening , beautiful soup . soup of the evening , beautiful soup . beau  soo  . beau  soo  . soo  of the e  , beautiful , soup . beautiful soup . who cares for fish , game , or any other dish . who would not give all else for two pennyworth only of beautiful soup . pennyworth only of beautiful soup . beau  soo  . beau  soo  . soo  of the e  , beautiful , beauti  soup . chorus again . cried the gryphon , and the mock turtle had just begun to repeat it , when a cry of the trials beginning . was heard in the distance . come on . cried the gryphon , and , taking alice by the hand , it hurried off , without waiting for the end of the song . what trial is it . alice panted as she ran but the gryphon only answered come on . and ran the faster , while more and more faintly came , carried on the breeze that followed them , the melancholy words  soo  of the e  , beautiful , soup . chapter xi . who stole the tarts . the king and queen of hearts were seated on their throne when they arrived , with a great crowd assembled about them  sorts of little birds and beasts , as well as the whole pack of cards the knave was standing before them , in chains , with a soldier on each side to guard him and near the king was the white rabbit , with a trumpet in one hand , and a scroll of parchment in the other . in the very middle of the court was a table , with a large dish of tarts upon it they looked so good , that it made alice quite hungry to look at them  wish theyd get the trial done , she thought , and hand round the refreshments . but there seemed to be no chance of this , so she began looking at everything about her , to pass away the time . alice had never been in a court of justice before , but she had read about them in books , and she was quite pleased to find that she knew the name of nearly everything there . thats the judge , she said to herself , because of his great wig . the judge , by the way , was the king and as he wore his crown over the wig , he did not look at all comfortable , and it was certainly not becoming . and thats the jury box, , thought alice , and those twelve creatures , she was obliged to say creatures , you see , because some of them were animals , and some were birds , i suppose they are the jurors . she said this last word two or three times over to herself , being rather proud of it for she thought , and rightly too , that very few little girls of her age knew the meaning of it at all . however , jury men would have done just as well . the twelve jurors were all writing very busily on slates . what are they doing . alice whispered to the gryphon . they cant have anything to put down yet , before the trials begun . theyre putting down their names , the gryphon whispered in reply , for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial . stupid things . alice began in a loud , indignant voice , but she stopped hastily , for the white rabbit cried out , silence in the court . and the king put on his spectacles and looked anxiously round , to make out who was talking . alice could see , as well as if she were looking over their shoulders , that all the jurors were writing down stupid things . on their slates , and she could even make out that one of them didnt know how to spell stupid , and that he had to ask his neighbour to tell him . a nice muddle their slatesll be in before the trials over . thought alice . one of the jurors had a pencil that squeaked . this of course , alice could not stand , and she went round the court and got behind him , and very soon found an opportunity of taking it away . she did it so quickly that the poor little juror could not make out at all what had become of it so , after hunting all about for it , he was obliged to write with one finger for the rest of the day and this was of very little use , as it left no mark on the slate . herald , read the accusation . said the king . on this the white rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet , and then unrolled the parchment scroll , and read as follows  the queen of hearts , she made some tarts , all on a summer day the knave of hearts , he stole those tarts , and took them quite away . consider your verdict , the king said to the jury . not yet , not yet . the rabbit hastily interrupted . theres a great deal to come before that . call the first witness , said the king and the white rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet , and called out , first witness . the first witness was the hatter . he came in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and in the other . i beg pardon , your majesty , he began , for bringing these in but i hadnt quite finished my tea when i was sent for . you ought to have finished , said the king . when did you begin . the hatter looked at the march hare , who had followed him into the court , arm in with the dormouse . fourteenth of march , i think it was , he said . fifteenth , said the march hare . sixteenth , added the dormouse . write that down , the king said to the jury , and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates , and then added them up , and reduced the answer to shillings and pence . take off your hat , the king said to the hatter . it isnt mine , said the hatter . stolen . the king exclaimed , turning to the jury , who instantly made a memorandum of the fact . i keep them to sell , the hatter added as an explanation ive none of my own . im a hatter . here the queen put on her spectacles , and began staring at the hatter , who turned pale and fidgeted . give your evidence , said the king and dont be nervous , or ill have you executed on the spot . this did not seem to encourage the witness at all he kept shifting from one foot to the other , looking uneasily at the queen , and in his confusion he bit a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and . just at this moment alice felt a very curious sensation , which puzzled her a good deal until she made out what it was she was beginning to grow larger again , and she thought at first she would get up and leave the court but on second thoughts she decided to remain where she was as long as there was room for her . i wish you wouldnt squeeze so . said the dormouse , who was sitting next to her . i can hardly breathe . i cant help it , said alice very meekly im growing . youve no right to grow here , said the dormouse . dont talk nonsense , said alice more boldly you know youre growing too . yes , but i grow at a reasonable pace , said the dormouse not in that ridiculous fashion . and he got up very sulkily and crossed over to the other side of the court . all this time the queen had never left off staring at the hatter , and , just as the dormouse crossed the court , she said to one of the officers of the court , bring me the list of the singers in the last concert . on which the wretched hatter trembled so , that he shook both his shoes off . give your evidence , the king repeated angrily , or ill have you executed , whether youre nervous or not . im a poor man , your majesty , the hatter began , in a trembling voice , i hadnt begun my tea  above a week or so  what with the bread and getting so thin  the twinkling of the tea  the twinkling of the what . said the king . it began with the tea , the hatter replied . of course twinkling begins with a t . said the king sharply . do you take me for a dunce . go on . im a poor man , the hatter went on , and most things twinkled after that  the march hare said  i didnt . the march hare interrupted in a great hurry . you did . said the hatter . i deny it . said the march hare . he denies it , said the king leave out that part . well , at any rate , the dormouse said  the hatter went on , looking anxiously round to see if he would deny it too but the dormouse denied nothing , being fast asleep . after that , continued the hatter , i cut some more bread and but what did the dormouse say . one of the jury asked . that i cant remember , said the hatter . you must remember , remarked the king , or ill have you executed . the miserable hatter dropped his teacup and bread and , and went down on one knee . im a poor man , your majesty , he began . youre a very poor speaker , said the king . here one of the guinea pigs cheered , and was immediately suppressed by the officers of the court . as that is rather a hard word , i will just explain to you how it was done . they had a large canvas bag , which tied up at the mouth with strings into this they slipped the guinea pig, , head first , and then sat upon it . im glad ive seen that done , thought alice . ive so often read in the newspapers , at the end of trials , there was some attempts at applause , which was immediately suppressed by the officers of the court , and i never understood what it meant till now . if thats all you know about it , you may stand down , continued the king . i cant go no lower , said the hatter im on the floor , as it is . then you may sit down , the king replied . here the other guinea pig cheered , and was suppressed . come , that finished the guinea pigs . thought alice . now we shall get on better . id rather finish my tea , said the hatter , with an anxious look at the queen , who was reading the list of singers . you may go , said the king , and the hatter hurriedly left the court , without even waiting to put his shoes on . just take his head off outside , the queen added to one of the officers but the hatter was out of sight before the officer could get to the door . call the next witness . said the king . the next witness was the duchesss cook . she carried the pepper box in her hand , and alice guessed who it was , even before she got into the court , by the way the people near the door began sneezing all at once . give your evidence , said the king . shant , said the cook . the king looked anxiously at the white rabbit , who said in a low voice , your majesty must cross examine this witness . well , if i must , i must , the king said , with a melancholy air , and , after folding his arms and frowning at the cook till his eyes were nearly out of sight , he said in a deep voice , what are tarts made of . pepper , mostly , said the cook . treacle , said a sleepy voice behind her . collar that dormouse , the queen shrieked out . behead that dormouse . turn that dormouse out of court . suppress him . pinch him . off with his whiskers . for some minutes the whole court was in confusion , getting the dormouse turned out , and , by the time they had settled down again , the cook had disappeared . never mind . said the king , with an air of great relief . call the next witness . and he added in an undertone to the queen , really , my dear , you must cross examine the next witness . it quite makes my forehead ache . alice watched the white rabbit as he fumbled over the list , feeling very curious to see what the next witness would be like , they havent got much evidence yet , she said to herself . imagine her surprise , when the white rabbit read out , at the top of his shrill little voice , the name alice . chapter xii . alices evidence here . cried alice , quite forgetting in the flurry of the moment how large she had grown in the last few minutes , and she jumped up in such a hurry that she tipped over the jury box with the edge of her skirt , upsetting all the jurymen on to the heads of the crowd below , and there they lay sprawling about , reminding her very much of a globe of goldfish she had accidentally upset the week before . oh , i beg your pardon . she exclaimed in a tone of great dismay , and began picking them up again as quickly as she could , for the accident of the goldfish kept running in her head , and she had a vague sort of idea that they must be collected at once and put back into the jury box, , or they would die . the trial cannot proceed , said the king in a very grave voice , until all the jurymen are back in their proper places  , he repeated with great emphasis , looking hard at alice as he said do . alice looked at the jury box, , and saw that , in her haste , she had put the lizard in head downwards , and the poor little thing was waving its tail about in a melancholy way , being quite unable to move . she soon got it out again , and put it right not that it signifies much , she said to herself i should think it would be quite as much use in the trial one way up as the other . as soon as the jury had a little recovered from the shock of being upset , and their slates and pencils had been found and handed back to them , they set to work very diligently to write out a history of the accident , all except the lizard , who seemed too much overcome to do anything but sit with its mouth open , gazing up into the roof of the court . what do you know about this business . the king said to alice . nothing , said alice . nothing whatever . persisted the king . nothing whatever , said alice . thats very important , the king said , turning to the jury . they were just beginning to write this down on their slates , when the white rabbit interrupted unimportant , your majesty means , of course , he said in a very respectful tone , but frowning and making faces at him as he spoke . unimportant , of course , i meant , the king hastily said , and went on to himself in an undertone , important  as if he were trying which word sounded best . some of the jury wrote it down important , and some unimportant . alice could see this , as she was near enough to look over their slates but it doesnt matter a bit , she thought to herself . at this moment the king , who had been for some time busily writing in his note book, , cackled out silence . and read out from his book , rule forty two . all persons more than a mile high to leave the court . everybody looked at alice . im not a mile high , said alice . you are , said the king . nearly two miles high , added the queen . well , i shant go , at any rate , said alice besides , thats not a regular rule you invented it just now . its the oldest rule in the book , said the king . then it ought to be number one , said alice . the king turned pale , and shut his note book hastily . consider your verdict , he said to the jury , in a low , trembling voice . theres more evidence to come yet , please your majesty , said the white rabbit , jumping up in a great hurry this paper has just been picked up . whats in it . said the queen . i havent opened it yet , said the white rabbit , but it seems to be a letter , written by the prisoner to  somebody . it must have been that , said the king , unless it was written to nobody , which isnt usual , you know . who is it directed to . said one of the jurymen . it isnt directed at all , said the white rabbit in fact , theres nothing written on the outside . he unfolded the paper as he spoke , and added it isnt a letter , after all its a set of verses . are they in the prisoners handwriting . asked another of the jurymen . no , theyre not , said the white rabbit , and thats the queerest thing about it . he must have imitated somebody elses hand , said the king . the jury all brightened up again . please your majesty , said the knave , i didnt write it , and they cant prove i did theres no name signed at the end . if you didnt sign it , said the king , that only makes the matter worse . you must have meant some mischief , or else youd have signed your name like an honest man . there was a general clapping of hands at this it was the first really clever thing the king had said that day . that proves his guilt , said the queen . it proves nothing of the sort . said alice . why , you dont even know what theyre about . read them , said the king . the white rabbit put on his spectacles . where shall i begin , please your majesty . he asked . begin at the beginning , the king said gravely , and go on till you come to the end then stop . these were the verses the white rabbit read  they told me you had been to her , and mentioned me to him she gave me a good character , but said i could not swim . he sent them word i had not gone if she should push the matter on , what would become of you . i gave her one , they gave him two , you gave us three or more they all returned from him to you , though they were mine before . if i or she should chance to be involved in this affair , he trusts to you to set them free , exactly as we were . my notion was that you had been an obstacle that came between him , and ourselves , and it . dont let him know she liked them best , for this must ever be a secret , kept from all the rest , between yourself and me . thats the most important piece of evidence weve heard yet , said the king , rubbing his hands so now let the jury  if any one of them can explain it , said alice , she had grown so large in the last few minutes that she wasnt a bit afraid of interrupting him , ill give him sixpence . i dont believe theres an atom of meaning in it . the jury all wrote down on their slates , she doesnt believe theres an atom of meaning in it , but none of them attempted to explain the paper . if theres no meaning in it , said the king , that saves a world of trouble , you know , as we neednt try to find any . and yet i dont know , he went on , spreading out the verses on his knee , and looking at them with one eye i seem to see some meaning in them , after all . i could not swim  you cant swim , can you . he added , turning to the knave . the knave shook his head sadly . do i look like it . he said . which he certainly did not , being made entirely of cardboard . all right , so far , said the king , and he went on muttering over the verses to himself we know it to be true  thats the jury , of course  gave her one , they gave him two  why , that must be what he did with the tarts , you know  but , it goes on they all returned from him to you , said alice . why , there they are . said the king triumphantly , pointing to the tarts on the table . nothing can be clearer than that . then again  she had this fit  you never had fits , my dear , i think . he said to the queen . never . said the queen furiously , throwing an inkstand at the lizard as she spoke . the unfortunate little bill had left off writing on his slate with one finger , as he found it made no mark but he now hastily began again , using the ink , that was trickling down his face , as long as it lasted . then the words dont fit you , said the king , looking round the court with a smile . there was a dead silence . its a pun . the king added in an offended tone , and everybody laughed , let the jury consider their verdict , the king said , for about the twentieth time that day . no , . said the queen . sentence first  afterwards . stuff and nonsense . said alice loudly . the idea of having the sentence first . hold your tongue . said the queen , turning purple . i wont . said alice . off with her head . the queen shouted at the top of her voice . nobody moved . who cares for you . said alice , she had grown to her full size by this time . youre nothing but a pack of cards . at this the whole pack rose up into the air , and came flying down upon her she gave a little scream , half of fright and half of anger , and tried to beat them off , and found herself lying on the bank , with her head in the lap of her sister , who was gently brushing away some dead leaves that had fluttered down from the trees upon her face . wake up , alice dear . said her sister why , what a long sleep youve had . oh , ive had such a curious dream . said alice , and she told her sister , as well as she could remember them , all these strange adventures of hers that you have just been reading about and when she had finished , her sister kissed her , and said , it was a curious dream , dear , certainly but now run in to your tea its getting late . so alice got up and ran off , thinking while she ran , as well she might , what a wonderful dream it had been . but her sister sat still just as she left her , leaning her head on her hand , watching the setting sun , and thinking of little alice and all her wonderful adventures , till she too began dreaming after a fashion , and this was her dream  first , she dreamed of little alice herself , and once again the tiny hands were clasped upon her knee , and the bright eager eyes were looking up into hers  could hear the very tones of her voice , and see that queer little toss of her head to keep back the wandering hair that would always get into her eyes  still as she listened , or seemed to listen , the whole place around her became alive with the strange creatures of her little sisters dream . the long grass rustled at her feet as the white rabbit hurried by  frightened mouse splashed his way through the neighbouring pool  could hear the rattle of the teacups as the march hare and his friends shared their never ending meal , and the shrill voice of the queen ordering off her unfortunate guests to execution  more the pig baby was sneezing on the duchesss knee , while plates and dishes crashed around it  more the shriek of the gryphon , the squeaking of the lizards slate pencil, , and the choking of the suppressed guinea pigs, , filled the air , mixed up with the distant sobs of the miserable mock turtle . so she sat on , with closed eyes , and half believed herself in wonderland , though she knew she had but to open them again , and all would change to dull reality  grass would be only rustling in the wind , and the pool rippling to the waving of the reeds  rattling teacups would change to tinkling sheep bells, , and the queens shrill cries to the voice of the shepherd boy  the sneeze of the baby , the shriek of the gryphon , and all the other queer noises , would change she knew to the confused clamour of the busy farm yard the lowing of the cattle in the distance would take the place of the mock turtles heavy sobs . lastly , she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would , in the after time, , be herself a grown woman and how she would keep , through all her riper years , the simple and loving heart of her childhood and how she would gather about her other little children , and make their eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale , perhaps even with the dream of wonderland of long ago and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows , and find a pleasure in all their simple joys , remembering her own child life, , and the happy summer days . the project gutenberg ebook of peter pan , by james m . barrie this ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever . you may copy it , give it away or re use it under the terms of the project gutenberg license included with this ebook or online at www . gutenberg . org this is a copyrighted project gutenberg ebook , details below please follow the copyright guidelines in this file . title peter pan peter pan and wendy author james m . barrie posting date june release date july , last updated march language english character set encoding utf  start of this project gutenberg ebook peter pan peter pan by j . m . barrie a millennium fulcrum edition by duncan research contents chapter peter breaks through chapter the shadow chapter come away , come away . chapter the flight chapter the island come true chapter the little house chapter the home under the ground chapter the mermaids lagoon chapter the never bird chapter the happy home chapter wendys story chapter the children are carried off chapter do you believe in fairies . chapter the pirate ship chapter hook or me this time chapter the return home chapter when wendy grew up chapter peter breaks through all children , except one , grow up . they soon know that they will grow up , and the way wendy knew was this . one day when she was two years old she was playing in a garden , and she plucked another flower and ran with it to her mother . i suppose she must have looked rather delightful , for mrs . darling put her hand to her heart and cried , oh , why cant you remain like this for ever . this was all that passed between them on the subject , but henceforth wendy knew that she must grow up . you always know after you are two . two is the beginning of the end . of course they lived at and until wendy came her mother was the chief one . she was a lovely lady , with a romantic mind and such a sweet mocking mouth . her romantic mind was like the tiny boxes , one within the other , that come from the puzzling east , however many you discover there is always one more and her sweet mocking mouth had one kiss on it that wendy could never get , though there it was , perfectly conspicuous in the right hand corner . the way mr . darling won her was this the many gentlemen who had been boys when she was a girl discovered simultaneously that they loved her , and they all ran to her house to propose to her except mr . darling , who took a cab and nipped in first , and so he got her . he got all of her , except the innermost box and the kiss . he never knew about the box , and in time he gave up trying for the kiss . wendy thought napoleon could have got it , but i can picture him trying , and then going off in a passion , slamming the door . mr . darling used to boast to wendy that her mother not only loved him but respected him . he was one of those deep ones who know about stocks and shares . of course no one really knows , but he quite seemed to know , and he often said stocks were up and shares were down in a way that would have made any woman respect him . mrs . darling was married in white , and at first she kept the books perfectly , almost gleefully , as if it were a game , not so much as a brussels sprout was missing but by and by whole cauliflowers dropped out , and instead of them there were pictures of babies without faces . she drew them when she should have been totting up . they were mrs . darlings guesses . wendy came first , then john , then michael . for a week or two after wendy came it was doubtful whether they would be able to keep her , as she was another mouth to feed . mr . darling was frightfully proud of her , but he was very honourable , and he sat on the edge of mrs . darlings bed , holding her hand and calculating expenses , while she looked at him imploringly . she wanted to risk it , come what might , but that was not his way his way was with a pencil and a piece of paper , and if she confused him with suggestions he had to begin at the beginning again . now dont interrupt , he would beg of her . i have one pound seventeen here , and two and six at the office i can cut off my coffee at the office , say ten shillings , making two nine and six , with your eighteen and three makes three nine seven , with five naught in my cheque book makes eight nine seven  is that moving . nine seven , dot and carry seven  speak , my own  the pound you lent to that man who came to the door  , child  and carry child  , youve done it . i say nine seven . yes , i said nine seven the question is , can we try it for a year on nine seven . of course we can , george , she cried . but she was prejudiced in wendys favour , and he was really the grander character of the two . remember mumps , he warned her almost threateningly , and off he went again . mumps one pound , that is what i have put down , but i daresay it will be more like thirty shillings  speak  one five , german measles half a guinea , makes two fifteen six  waggle your finger  , say fifteen shillings  so on it went , and it added up differently each time but at last wendy just got through , with mumps reduced to twelve six , and the two kinds of measles treated as one . there was the same excitement over john , and michael had even a narrower squeak but both were kept , and soon , you might have seen the three of them going in a row to miss fulsoms kindergarten school , accompanied by their nurse . mrs . darling loved to have everything just so , and mr . darling had a passion for being exactly like his neighbours so , of course , they had a nurse . as they were poor , owing to the amount of milk the children drank , this nurse was a prim newfoundland dog , called nana , who had belonged to no one in particular until the darlings engaged her . she had always thought children important , however , and the darlings had become acquainted with her in kensington gardens , where she spent most of her spare time peeping into perambulators , and was much hated by careless nursemaids , whom she followed to their homes and complained of to their mistresses . she proved to be quite a treasure of a nurse . how thorough she was at bath time, , and up at any moment of the night if one of her charges made the slightest cry . of course her kennel was in the nursery . she had a genius for knowing when a cough is a thing to have no patience with and when it needs stocking around your throat . she believed to her last day in old fashioned remedies like rhubarb leaf , and made sounds of contempt over all this new fangled talk about germs , and so on . it was a lesson in propriety to see her escorting the children to school , walking sedately by their side when they were well behaved , and butting them back into line if they strayed . on johns footer in england soccer was called football , footer for short days she never once forgot his sweater , and she usually carried an umbrella in her mouth in case of rain . there is a room in the basement of miss fulsoms school where the nurses wait . they sat on forms , while nana lay on the floor , but that was the only difference . they affected to ignore her as of an inferior social status to themselves , and she despised their light talk . she resented visits to the nursery from mrs . darlings friends , but if they did come she first whipped off michaels pinafore and put him into the one with blue braiding , and smoothed out wendy and made a dash at johns hair . no nursery could possibly have been conducted more correctly , and mr . darling knew it , yet he sometimes wondered uneasily whether the neighbours talked . he had his position in the city to consider . nana also troubled him in another way . he had sometimes a feeling that she did not admire him . i know she admires you tremendously , george , mrs . darling would assure him , and then she would sign to the children to be specially nice to father . lovely dances followed , in which the only other servant , liza , was sometimes allowed to join . such a midget she looked in her long skirt and maids cap , though she had sworn , when engaged , that she would never see ten again . the gaiety of those romps . and gayest of all was mrs . darling , who would pirouette so wildly that all you could see of her was the kiss , and then if you had dashed at her you might have got it . there never was a simpler happier family until the coming of peter pan . mrs . darling first heard of peter when she was tidying up her childrens minds . it is the nightly custom of every good mother after her children are asleep to rummage in their minds and put things straight for next morning , repacking into their proper places the many articles that have wandered during the day . if you could keep awake but of course you cant you would see your own mother doing this , and you would find it very interesting to watch her . it is quite like tidying up drawers . you would see her on her knees , i expect , lingering humorously over some of your contents , wondering where on earth you had picked this thing up , making discoveries sweet and not so sweet , pressing this to her cheek as if it were as nice as a kitten , and hurriedly stowing that out of sight . when you wake in the morning , the naughtiness and evil passions with which you went to bed have been folded up small and placed at the bottom of your mind and on the top , beautifully aired , are spread out your prettier thoughts , ready for you to put on . i dont know whether you have ever seen a map of a persons mind . doctors sometimes draw maps of other parts of you , and your own map can become intensely interesting , but catch them trying to draw a map of a childs mind , which is not only confused , but keeps going round all the time . there are zigzag lines on it , just like your temperature on a card , and these are probably roads in the island , for the neverland is always more or less an island , with astonishing splashes of colour here and there , and coral reefs and rakish looking craft in the offing , and savages and lonely lairs , and gnomes who are mostly tailors , and caves through which a river runs , and princes with six elder brothers , and a hut fast going to decay , and one very small old lady with a hooked nose . it would be an easy map if that were all , but there is also first day at school , religion , fathers , the round pond , needle work, , murders , hangings , verbs that take the dative , chocolate pudding day , getting into braces , say ninety nine, , three pence for pulling out your tooth yourself , and so on , and either these are part of the island or they are another map showing through , and it is all rather confusing , especially as nothing will stand still . of course the neverlands vary a good deal . johns , for instance , had a lagoon with flamingoes flying over it at which john was shooting , while michael , who was very small , had a flamingo with lagoons flying over it . john lived in a boat turned upside down on the sands , michael in a wigwam , wendy in a house of leaves deftly sewn together . john had no friends , michael had friends at night , wendy had a pet wolf forsaken by its parents , but on the whole the neverlands have a family resemblance , and if they stood still in a row you could say of them that they have each others nose , and so forth . on these magic shores children at play are for ever beaching their coracles . we too have been there we can still hear the sound of the surf , though we shall land no more . of all delectable islands the neverland is the snuggest and most compact , not large and sprawly , you know , with tedious distances between one adventure and another , but nicely crammed . when you play at it by day with the chairs and table cloth, , it is not in the least alarming , but in the two minutes before you go to sleep it becomes very real . that is why there are night lights . occasionally in her travels through her childrens minds mrs . darling found things she could not understand , and of these quite the most perplexing was the word peter . she knew of no peter , and yet he was here and there in john and michaels minds , while wendys began to be scrawled all over with him . the name stood out in bolder letters than any of the other words , and as mrs . darling gazed she felt that it had an oddly cocky appearance . yes , he is rather cocky , wendy admitted with regret . her mother had been questioning her . but who is he , my pet . he is peter pan , you know , mother . at first mrs . darling did not know , but after thinking back into her childhood she just remembered a peter pan who was said to live with the fairies . there were odd stories about him , as that when children died he went part of the way with them , so that they should not be frightened . she had believed in him at the time , but now that she was married and full of sense she quite doubted whether there was any such person . besides , she said to wendy , he would be grown up by this time . oh no , he isnt grown up , wendy assured her confidently , and he is just my size . she meant that he was her size in both mind and body she didnt know how she knew , she just knew it . mrs . darling consulted mr . darling , but he smiled poh poh . mark my words , he said , it is some nonsense nana has been putting into their heads just the sort of idea a dog would have . leave it alone , and it will blow over . but it would not blow over and soon the troublesome boy gave mrs . darling quite a shock . children have the strangest adventures without being troubled by them . for instance , they may remember to mention , a week after the event happened , that when they were in the wood they had met their dead father and had a game with him . it was in this casual way that wendy one morning made a disquieting revelation . some leaves of a tree had been found on the nursery floor , which certainly were not there when the children went to bed , and mrs . darling was puzzling over them when wendy said with a tolerant smile i do believe it is that peter again . whatever do you mean , wendy . it is so naughty of him not to wipe his feet , wendy said , sighing . she was a tidy child . she explained in quite a matter of way that she thought peter sometimes came to the nursery in the night and sat on the foot of her bed and played on his pipes to her . unfortunately she never woke , so she didnt know how she knew , she just knew . what nonsense you talk , precious . no one can get into the house without knocking . i think he comes in by the window , she said . my love , it is three floors up . were not the leaves at the foot of the window , mother . it was quite true the leaves had been found very near the window . mrs . darling did not know what to think , for it all seemed so natural to wendy that you could not dismiss it by saying she had been dreaming . my child , the mother cried , why did you not tell me of this before . i forgot , said wendy lightly . she was in a hurry to get her breakfast . oh , surely she must have been dreaming . but , on the other hand , there were the leaves . mrs . darling examined them very carefully they were skeleton leaves , but she was sure they did not come from any tree that grew in england . she crawled about the floor , peering at it with a candle for marks of a strange foot . she rattled the poker up the chimney and tapped the walls . she let down a tape from the window to the pavement , and it was a sheer drop of thirty feet , without so much as a spout to climb up by . certainly wendy had been dreaming . but wendy had not been dreaming , as the very next night showed , the night on which the extraordinary adventures of these children may be said to have begun . on the night we speak of all the children were once more in bed . it happened to be nanas evening off , and mrs . darling had bathed them and sung to them till one by one they had let go her hand and slid away into the land of sleep . all were looking so safe and cosy that she smiled at her fears now and sat down tranquilly by the fire to sew . it was something for michael , who on his birthday was getting into shirts . the fire was warm , however , and the nursery dimly lit by three night lights, , and presently the sewing lay on mrs . darlings lap . then her head nodded , oh , so gracefully . she was asleep . look at the four of them , wendy and michael over there , john here , and mrs . darling by the fire . there should have been a fourth night light . while she slept she had a dream . she dreamt that the neverland had come too near and that a strange boy had broken through from it . he did not alarm her , for she thought she had seen him before in the faces of many women who have no children . perhaps he is to be found in the faces of some mothers also . but in her dream he had rent the film that obscures the neverland , and she saw wendy and john and michael peeping through the gap . the dream by itself would have been a trifle , but while she was dreaming the window of the nursery blew open , and a boy did drop on the floor . he was accompanied by a strange light , no bigger than your fist , which darted about the room like a living thing and i think it must have been this light that wakened mrs . darling . she started up with a cry , and saw the boy , and somehow she knew at once that he was peter pan . if you or i or wendy had been there we should have seen that he was very like mrs . darlings kiss . he was a lovely boy , clad in skeleton leaves and the juices that ooze out of trees but the most entrancing thing about him was that he had all his first teeth . when he saw she was a grown up, , he gnashed the little pearls at her . chapter the shadow mrs . darling screamed , and , as if in answer to a bell , the door opened , and nana entered , returned from her evening out . she growled and sprang at the boy , who leapt lightly through the window . again mrs . darling screamed , this time in distress for him , for she thought he was killed , and she ran down into the street to look for his little body , but it was not there and she looked up , and in the black night she could see nothing but what she thought was a shooting star . she returned to the nursery , and found nana with something in her mouth , which proved to be the boys shadow . as he leapt at the window nana had closed it quickly , too late to catch him , but his shadow had not had time to get out slam went the window and snapped it off . you may be sure mrs . darling examined the shadow carefully , but it was quite the ordinary kind . nana had no doubt of what was the best thing to do with this shadow . she hung it out at the window , meaning he is sure to come back for it let us put it where he can get it easily without disturbing the children . but unfortunately mrs . darling could not leave it hanging out at the window , it looked so like the washing and lowered the whole tone of the house . she thought of showing it to mr . darling , but he was totting up winter great coats for john and michael , with a wet towel around his head to keep his brain clear , and it seemed a shame to trouble him besides , she knew exactly what he would say it all comes of having a dog for a nurse . she decided to roll the shadow up and put it away carefully in a drawer , until a fitting opportunity came for telling her husband . ah me . the opportunity came a week later , on that never to friday . of course it was a friday . i ought to have been specially careful on a friday , she used to say afterwards to her husband , while perhaps nana was on the other side of her , holding her hand . no , mr . darling always said , i am responsible for it all . i , george darling , did it . mea culpa , mea culpa . he had a classical education . they sat thus night after night recalling that fatal friday , till every detail of it was stamped on their brains and came through on the other side like the faces on a bad coinage . if only i had not accepted that invitation to dine at mrs . darling said . if only i had not poured my medicine into nanas bowl , said mr . darling . if only i had pretended to like the medicine , was what nanas wet eyes said . my liking for parties , george . my fatal gift of humour , dearest . my touchiness about trifles , dear master and mistress . then one or more of them would break down altogether nana at the thought , its true , its true , they ought not to have had a dog for a nurse . many a time it was mr . darling who put the handkerchief to nanas eyes . that fiend . mr . darling would cry , and nanas bark was the echo of it , but mrs . darling never upbraided peter there was something in the right hand corner of her mouth that wanted her not to call peter names . they would sit there in the empty nursery , recalling fondly every smallest detail of that dreadful evening . it had begun so uneventfully , so precisely like a hundred other evenings , with nana putting on the water for michaels bath and carrying him to it on her back . i wont go to bed , he had shouted , like one who still believed that he had the last word on the subject , i wont , i wont . nana , it isnt six oclock yet . oh dear , oh dear , i shant love you any more , nana . i tell you i wont be bathed , i wont , i wont . then mrs . darling had come in , wearing her white evening gown . she had dressed early because wendy so loved to see her in her evening gown, , with the necklace george had given her . she was wearing wendys bracelet on her arm she had asked for the loan of it . wendy loved to lend her bracelet to her mother . she had found her two older children playing at being herself and father on the occasion of wendys birth , and john was saying i am happy to inform you , mrs . darling , that you are now a mother , in just such a tone as mr . darling himself may have used on the real occasion . wendy had danced with joy , just as the real mrs . darling must have done . then john was born , with the extra pomp that he conceived due to the birth of a male , and michael came from his bath to ask to be born also , but john said brutally that they did not want any more . michael had nearly cried . nobody wants me , he said , and of course the lady in the evening dress could not stand that . i do , she said , i so want a third child . boy or girl . asked michael , not too hopefully . boy . then he had leapt into her arms . such a little thing for mr . and mrs . darling and nana to recall now , but not so little if that was to be michaels last night in the nursery . they go on with their recollections . it was then that i rushed in like a tornado , wasnt it . mr . darling would say , scorning himself and indeed he had been like a tornado . perhaps there was some excuse for him . he , too , had been dressing for the party , and all had gone well with him until he came to his tie . it is an astounding thing to have to tell , but this man , though he knew about stocks and shares , had no real mastery of his tie . sometimes the thing yielded to him without a contest , but there were occasions when it would have been better for the house if he had swallowed his pride and used a made up tie . this was such an occasion . he came rushing into the nursery with the crumpled little brute of a tie in his hand . why , what is the matter , father dear . matter . he yelled he really yelled . this tie , it will not tie . he became dangerously sarcastic . not round my neck . round the bed post . oh yes , twenty times have i made it up round the bed post, , but round my neck , no . oh dear no . begs to be excused . he thought mrs . darling was not sufficiently impressed , and he went on sternly , i warn you of this , mother , that unless this tie is round my neck we dont go out to dinner to night, , and if i dont go out to dinner to night, , i never go to the office again , and if i dont go to the office again , you and i starve , and our children will be flung into the streets . even then mrs . darling was placid . let me try , dear , she said , and indeed that was what he had come to ask her to do , and with her nice cool hands she tied his tie for him , while the children stood around to see their fate decided . some men would have resented her being able to do it so easily , but mr . darling had far too fine a nature for that he thanked her carelessly , at once forgot his rage , and in another moment was dancing round the room with michael on his back . how wildly we romped . says mrs . darling now , recalling it . our last romp . mr . darling groaned . o george , do you remember michael suddenly said to me , how did you get to know me , mother . i remember . they were rather sweet , dont you think , george . and they were ours , . and now they are gone . the romp had ended with the appearance of nana , and most unluckily mr . darling collided against her , covering his trousers with hairs . they were not only new trousers , but they were the first he had ever had with braid on them , and he had to bite his lip to prevent the tears coming . of course mrs . darling brushed him , but he began to talk again about its being a mistake to have a dog for a nurse . george , nana is a treasure . no doubt , but i have an uneasy feeling at times that she looks upon the children as puppies . oh no , dear one , i feel sure she knows they have souls . i wonder , mr . darling said thoughtfully , i wonder . it was an opportunity , his wife felt , for telling him about the boy . at first he poh pohed the story , but he became thoughtful when she showed him the shadow . it is nobody i know , he said , examining it carefully , but it does look a scoundrel . we were still discussing it , you remember , says mr . darling , when nana came in with michaels medicine . you will never carry the bottle in your mouth again , nana , and it is all my fault . strong man though he was , there is no doubt that he had behaved rather foolishly over the medicine . if he had a weakness , it was for thinking that all his life he had taken medicine boldly , and so now , when michael dodged the spoon in nanas mouth , he had said reprovingly , be a man , michael . wont . michael cried naughtily . mrs . darling left the room to get a chocolate for him , and mr . darling thought this showed want of firmness . mother , dont pamper him , he called after her . michael , when i was your age i took medicine without a murmur . i said , thank you , kind parents , for giving me bottles to make me well . he really thought this was true , and wendy , who was now in her night gown, , believed it also , and she said , to encourage michael , that medicine you sometimes take , father , is much nastier , isnt it . ever so much nastier , mr . darling said bravely , and i would take it now as an example to you , michael , if i hadnt lost the bottle . he had not exactly lost it he had climbed in the dead of night to the top of the wardrobe and hidden it there . what he did not know was that the faithful liza had found it , and put it back on his wash stand . i know where it is , father , wendy cried , always glad to be of service . ill bring it , and she was off before he could stop her . immediately his spirits sank in the strangest way . john , he said , shuddering , its most beastly stuff . its that nasty , sticky , sweet kind . it will soon be over , father , john said cheerily , and then in rushed wendy with the medicine in a glass . i have been as quick as i could , she panted . you have been wonderfully quick , her father retorted , with a vindictive politeness that was quite thrown away upon her . michael first , he said doggedly . father first , said michael , who was of a suspicious nature . i shall be sick , you know , mr . darling said threateningly . come on , father , said john . hold your tongue , john , his father rapped out . wendy was quite puzzled . i thought you took it quite easily , father . that is not the point , he retorted . the point is , that there is more in my glass than in michaels spoon . his proud heart was nearly bursting . and it isnt fair i would say it though it were with my last breath it isnt fair . father , i am waiting , said michael coldly . its all very well to say you are waiting so am i waiting . fathers a cowardly custard . so are you a cowardly custard . im not frightened . neither am i frightened . well , then , take it . well , then , you take it . wendy had a splendid idea . why not both take it at the same time . certainly , said mr . darling . are you ready , michael . wendy gave the words , one , two , three , and michael took his medicine , but mr . darling slipped his behind his back . there was a yell of rage from michael , and o father . wendy exclaimed . what do you mean by o father . mr . darling demanded . stop that row , michael . i meant to take mine , but i  missed it . it was dreadful the way all the three were looking at him , just as if they did not admire him . look here , all of you , he said entreatingly , as soon as nana had gone into the bathroom . i have just thought of a splendid joke . i shall pour my medicine into nanas bowl , and she will drink it , thinking it is milk . it was the colour of milk but the children did not have their fathers sense of humour , and they looked at him reproachfully as he poured the medicine into nanas bowl . what fun . he said doubtfully , and they did not dare expose him when mrs . darling and nana returned . nana , good dog , he said , patting her , i have put a little milk into your bowl , nana . nana wagged her tail , ran to the medicine , and began lapping it . then she gave mr . darling such a look , not an angry look she showed him the great red tear that makes us so sorry for noble dogs , and crept into her kennel . mr . darling was frightfully ashamed of himself , but he would not give in . in a horrid silence mrs . darling smelt the bowl . o george , she said , its your medicine . it was only a joke , he roared , while she comforted her boys , and wendy hugged nana . much good , he said bitterly , my wearing myself to the bone trying to be funny in this house . and still wendy hugged nana . thats right , he shouted . coddle her . nobody coddles me . oh dear no . i am only the breadwinner , why should i be coddled  , why , . george , mrs . darling entreated him , not so loud the servants will hear you . somehow they had got into the way of calling liza the servants . let them . he answered recklessly . bring in the whole world . but i refuse to allow that dog to lord it in my nursery for an hour longer . the children wept , and nana ran to him beseechingly , but he waved her back . he felt he was a strong man again . in vain , in vain , he cried the proper place for you is the yard , and there you go to be tied up this instant . george , mrs . darling whispered , remember what i told you about that boy . alas , he would not listen . he was determined to show who was master in that house , and when commands would not draw nana from the kennel , he lured her out of it with honeyed words , and seizing her roughly , dragged her from the nursery . he was ashamed of himself , and yet he did it . it was all owing to his too affectionate nature , which craved for admiration . when he had tied her up in the back yard, , the wretched father went and sat in the passage , with his knuckles to his eyes . in the meantime mrs . darling had put the children to bed in unwonted silence and lit their night lights . they could hear nana barking , and john whimpered , it is because he is chaining her up in the yard , but wendy was wiser . that is not nanas unhappy bark , she said , little guessing what was about to happen that is her bark when she smells danger . danger . are you sure , wendy . oh , yes . mrs . darling quivered and went to the window . it was securely fastened . she looked out , and the night was peppered with stars . they were crowding round the house , as if curious to see what was to take place there , but she did not notice this , nor that one or two of the smaller ones winked at her . yet a nameless fear clutched at her heart and made her cry , oh , how i wish that i wasnt going to a party to night . even michael , already half asleep , knew that she was perturbed , and he asked , can anything harm us , mother , after the night lights are lit . nothing , precious , she said they are the eyes a mother leaves behind her to guard her children . she went from bed to bed singing enchantments over them , and little michael flung his arms round her . mother , he cried , im glad of you . they were the last words she was to hear from him for a long time . no . was only a few yards distant , but there had been a slight fall of snow , and father and mother darling picked their way over it deftly not to soil their shoes . they were already the only persons in the street , and all the stars were watching them . stars are beautiful , but they may not take an active part in anything , they must just look on for ever . it is a punishment put on them for something they did so long ago that no star now knows what it was . so the older ones have become glassy eyed and seldom speak but the little ones still wonder . they are not really friendly to peter , who had a mischievous way of stealing up behind them and trying to blow them out but they are so fond of fun that they were on his side to night, , and anxious to get the grown ups out of the way . so as soon as the door of closed on mr . and mrs . darling there was a commotion in the firmament , and the smallest of all the stars in the milky way screamed out now , peter . chapter come away , come away . for a moment after mr . and mrs . darling left the house the night lights by the beds of the three children continued to burn clearly . they were awfully nice little night lights, , and one cannot help wishing that they could have kept awake to see peter but wendys light blinked and gave such a yawn that the other two yawned also , and before they could close their mouths all the three went out . there was another light in the room now , a thousand times brighter than the night lights, , and in the time we have taken to say this , it had been in all the drawers in the nursery , looking for peters shadow , rummaged the wardrobe and turned every pocket inside out . it was not really a light it made this light by flashing about so quickly , but when it came to rest for a second you saw it was a fairy , no longer than your hand , but still growing . it was a girl called tinker bell exquisitely gowned in a skeleton leaf , cut low and square , through which her figure could be seen to the best advantage . she was slightly inclined to embonpoint . a moment after the fairys entrance the window was blown open by the breathing of the little stars , and peter dropped in . he had carried tinker bell part of the way , and his hand was still messy with the fairy dust . tinker bell , he called softly , after making sure that the children were asleep , tink , where are you . she was in a jug for the moment , and liking it extremely she had never been in a jug before . oh , do come out of that jug , and tell me , do you know where they put my shadow . the loveliest tinkle as of golden bells answered him . it is the fairy language . you ordinary children can never hear it , but if you were to hear it you would know that you had heard it once before . tink said that the shadow was in the big box . she meant the chest of drawers , and peter jumped at the drawers , scattering their contents to the floor with both hands , as kings toss hapence to the crowd . in a moment he had recovered his shadow , and in his delight he forgot that he had shut tinker bell up in the drawer . if he thought at all , but i dont believe he ever thought , it was that he and his shadow , when brought near each other , would join like drops of water , and when they did not he was appalled . he tried to stick it on with soap from the bathroom , but that also failed . a shudder passed through peter , and he sat on the floor and cried . his sobs woke wendy , and she sat up in bed . she was not alarmed to see a stranger crying on the nursery floor she was only pleasantly interested . boy , she said courteously , why are you crying . peter could be exceeding polite also , having learned the grand manner at fairy ceremonies , and he rose and bowed to her beautifully . she was much pleased , and bowed beautifully to him from the bed . whats your name . he asked . wendy moira angela darling , she replied with some satisfaction . what is your name . peter pan . she was already sure that he must be peter , but it did seem a comparatively short name . is that all . yes , he said rather sharply . he felt for the first time that it was a shortish name . im so sorry , said wendy moira angela . it doesnt matter , peter gulped . she asked where he lived . second to the right , said peter , and then straight on till morning . what a funny address . peter had a sinking . for the first time he felt that perhaps it was a funny address . no , it isnt , he said . i mean , wendy said nicely , remembering that she was hostess , is that what they put on the letters . he wished she had not mentioned letters . dont get any letters , he said contemptuously . but your mother gets letters . dont have a mother , he said . not only had he no mother , but he had not the slightest desire to have one . he thought them very over rated persons . wendy , however , felt at once that she was in the presence of a tragedy . o peter , no wonder you were crying , she said , and got out of bed and ran to him . i wasnt crying about mothers , he said rather indignantly . i was crying because i cant get my shadow to stick on . besides , i wasnt crying . it has come off . yes . then wendy saw the shadow on the floor , looking so draggled , and she was frightfully sorry for peter . how awful . she said , but she could not help smiling when she saw that he had been trying to stick it on with soap . how exactly like a boy . fortunately she knew at once what to do . it must be sewn on , she said , just a little patronisingly . whats sewn . he asked . youre dreadfully ignorant . no , im not . but she was exulting in his ignorance . i shall sew it on for you , my little man , she said , though he was tall as herself , and she got out her housewife and sewed the shadow on to peters foot . i daresay it will hurt a little , she warned him . oh , i shant cry , said peter , who was already of the opinion that he had never cried in his life . and he clenched his teeth and did not cry , and soon his shadow was behaving properly , though still a little creased . perhaps i should have ironed it , wendy said thoughtfully , but peter , boylike , was indifferent to appearances , and he was now jumping about in the wildest glee . alas , he had already forgotten that he owed his bliss to wendy . he thought he had attached the shadow himself . how clever i am . he crowed rapturously , oh , the cleverness of me . it is humiliating to have to confess that this conceit of peter was one of his most fascinating qualities . to put it with brutal frankness , there never was a cockier boy . but for the moment wendy was shocked . you conceit she exclaimed , with frightful sarcasm of course i did nothing . you did a little , peter said carelessly , and continued to dance . a little . she replied with hauteur if i am no use i can at least withdraw , and she sprang in the most dignified way into bed and covered her face with the blankets . to induce her to look up he pretended to be going away , and when this failed he sat on the end of the bed and tapped her gently with his foot . wendy , he said , dont withdraw . i cant help crowing , wendy , when im pleased with myself . still she would not look up , though she was listening eagerly . wendy , he continued , in a voice that no woman has ever yet been able to resist , wendy , one girl is more use than twenty boys . now wendy was every inch a woman , though there were not very many inches , and she peeped out of the bed clothes . do you really think so , peter . yes , i do . i think its perfectly sweet of you , she declared , and ill get up again , and she sat with him on the side of the bed . she also said she would give him a kiss if he liked , but peter did not know what she meant , and he held out his hand expectantly . surely you know what a kiss is . she asked , aghast . i shall know when you give it to me , he replied stiffly , and not to hurt his feeling she gave him a thimble . now , said he , shall i give you a kiss . and she replied with a slight primness , if you please . she made herself rather cheap by inclining her face toward him , but he merely dropped an acorn button into her hand , so she slowly returned her face to where it had been before , and said nicely that she would wear his kiss on the chain around her neck . it was lucky that she did put it on that chain , for it was afterwards to save her life . when people in our set are introduced , it is customary for them to ask each others age , and so wendy , who always liked to do the correct thing , asked peter how old he was . it was not really a happy question to ask him it was like an examination paper that asks grammar , when what you want to be asked is kings of england . i dont know , he replied uneasily , but i am quite young . he really knew nothing about it , he had merely suspicions , but he said at a venture , wendy , i ran away the day i was born . wendy was quite surprised , but interested and she indicated in the charming drawing room manner , by a touch on her night gown, , that he could sit nearer her . it was because i heard father and mother , he explained in a low voice , talking about what i was to be when i became a man . he was extraordinarily agitated now . i dont want ever to be a man , he said with passion . i want always to be a little boy and to have fun . so i ran away to kensington gardens and lived a long time among the fairies . she gave him a look of the most intense admiration , and he thought it was because he had run away , but it was really because he knew fairies . wendy had lived such a home life that to know fairies struck her as quite delightful . she poured out questions about them , to his surprise , for they were rather a nuisance to him , getting in his way and so on , and indeed he sometimes had to give them a hiding . still , he liked them on the whole , and he told her about the beginning of fairies . you see , wendy , when the first baby laughed for the first time , its laugh broke into a thousand pieces , and they all went skipping about , and that was the beginning of fairies . tedious talk this , but being a stay at she liked it . and so , he went on good naturedly, , there ought to be one fairy for every boy and girl . ought to be . isnt there . no . you see children know such a lot now , they soon dont believe in fairies , and every time a child says , i dont believe in fairies , there is a fairy somewhere that falls down dead . really , he thought they had now talked enough about fairies , and it struck him that tinker bell was keeping very quiet . i cant think where she has gone to , he said , rising , and he called tink by name . wendys heart went flutter with a sudden thrill . peter , she cried , clutching him , you dont mean to tell me that there is a fairy in this room . she was here just now , he said a little impatiently . you dont hear her , do you . and they both listened . the only sound i hear , said wendy , is like a tinkle of bells . well , thats tink , thats the fairy language . i think i hear her too . the sound came from the chest of drawers , and peter made a merry face . no one could ever look quite so merry as peter , and the loveliest of gurgles was his laugh . he had his first laugh still . wendy , he whispered gleefully , i do believe i shut her up in the drawer . he let poor tink out of the drawer , and she flew about the nursery screaming with fury . you shouldnt say such things , peter retorted . of course im very sorry , but how could i know you were in the drawer . wendy was not listening to him . o peter , she cried , if she would only stand still and let me see her . they hardly ever stand still , he said , but for one moment wendy saw the romantic figure come to rest on the cuckoo clock . o the lovely . she cried , though tinks face was still distorted with passion . tink , said peter amiably , this lady says she wishes you were her fairy . tinker bell answered insolently . what does she say , peter . he had to translate . she is not very polite . she says you are a great ugly girl , and that she is my fairy . he tried to argue with tink . you know you cant be my fairy , tink , because i am an gentleman and you are a lady . to this tink replied in these words , you silly ass , and disappeared into the bathroom . she is quite a common fairy , peter explained apologetically , she is called tinker bell because she mends the pots and kettles . similar to cinder plus elle to get cinderella they were together in the armchair by this time , and wendy plied him with more questions . if you dont live in kensington gardens now  sometimes i do still . but where do you live mostly now . with the lost boys . who are they . they are the children who fall out of their perambulators when the nurse is looking the other way . if they are not claimed in seven days they are sent far away to the neverland to defray expenses . im captain . what fun it must be . yes , said cunning peter , but we are rather lonely . you see we have no female companionship . are none of the others girls . oh , no girls , you know , are much too clever to fall out of their prams . this flattered wendy immensely . i think , she said , it is perfectly lovely the way you talk about girls john there just despises us . for reply peter rose and kicked john out of bed , blankets and all one kick . this seemed to wendy rather forward for a first meeting , and she told him with spirit that he was not captain in her house . however , john continued to sleep so placidly on the floor that she allowed him to remain there . and i know you meant to be kind , she said , relenting , so you may give me a kiss . for the moment she had forgotten his ignorance about kisses . i thought you would want it back , he said a little bitterly , and offered to return her the thimble . oh dear , said the nice wendy , i dont mean a kiss , i mean a thimble . whats that . its like this . she kissed him . funny . said peter gravely . now shall i give you a thimble . if you wish to , said wendy , keeping her head erect this time . peter thimbled her , and almost immediately she screeched . what is it , wendy . it was exactly as if someone were pulling my hair . that must have been tink . i never knew her so naughty before . and indeed tink was darting about again , using offensive language . she says she will do that to you , wendy , every time i give you a thimble . but why . why , tink . again tink replied , you silly ass . peter could not understand why , but wendy understood , and she was just slightly disappointed when he admitted that he came to the nursery window not to see her but to listen to stories . you see , i dont know any stories . none of the lost boys knows any stories . how perfectly awful , wendy said . do you know , peter asked why swallows build in the eaves of houses . it is to listen to the stories . o wendy , your mother was telling you such a lovely story . which story was it . about the prince who couldnt find the lady who wore the glass slipper . peter , said wendy excitedly , that was cinderella , and he found her , and they lived happily ever after . peter was so glad that he rose from the floor , where they had been sitting , and hurried to the window . where are you going . she cried with misgiving . to tell the other boys . dont go peter , she entreated , i know such lots of stories . those were her precise words , so there can be no denying that it was she who first tempted him . he came back , and there was a greedy look in his eyes now which ought to have alarmed her , but did not . oh , the stories i could tell to the boys . she cried , and then peter gripped her and began to draw her toward the window . let me go . she ordered him . wendy , do come with me and tell the other boys . of course she was very pleased to be asked , but she said , oh dear , i cant . think of mummy . besides , i cant fly . ill teach you . oh , how lovely to fly . ill teach you how to jump on the winds back , and then away we go . oo . she exclaimed rapturously . wendy , when you are sleeping in your silly bed you might be flying about with me saying funny things to the stars . oo . and , wendy , there are mermaids . mermaids . with tails . such long tails . oh , cried wendy , to see a mermaid . he had become frightfully cunning . wendy , he said , how we should all respect you . she was wriggling her body in distress . it was quite as if she were trying to remain on the nursery floor . but he had no pity for her . wendy , he said , the sly one , you could tuck us in at night . oo . none of us has ever been tucked in at night . oo , and her arms went out to him . and you could darn our clothes , and make pockets for us . none of us has any pockets . how could she resist . of course its awfully fascinating . she cried . peter , would you teach john and michael to fly too . if you like , he said indifferently , and she ran to john and michael and shook them . wake up , she cried , peter pan has come and he is to teach us to fly . john rubbed his eyes . then i shall get up , he said . of course he was on the floor already . hallo , he said , i am up . michael was up by this time also , looking as sharp as a knife with six blades and a saw , but peter suddenly signed silence . their faces assumed the awful craftiness of children listening for sounds from the grown up world . all was as still as salt . then everything was right . no , stop . everything was wrong . nana , who had been barking distressfully all the evening , was quiet now . it was her silence they had heard . out with the light . hide . quick . cried john , taking command for the only time throughout the whole adventure . and thus when liza entered , holding nana , the nursery seemed quite its old self , very dark , and you would have sworn you heard its three wicked inmates breathing angelically as they slept . they were really doing it artfully from behind the window curtains . liza was in a bad temper , for she was mixing the christmas puddings in the kitchen , and had been drawn from them , with a raisin still on her cheek , by nanas absurd suspicions . she thought the best way of getting a little quiet was to take nana to the nursery for a moment , but in custody of course . there , you suspicious brute , she said , not sorry that nana was in disgrace . they are perfectly safe , arent they . every one of the little angels sound asleep in bed . listen to their gentle breathing . here michael , encouraged by his success , breathed so loudly that they were nearly detected . nana knew that kind of breathing , and she tried to drag herself out of lizas clutches . but liza was dense . no more of it , nana , she said sternly , pulling her out of the room . i warn you if you bark again i shall go straight for master and missus and bring them home from the party , and then , oh , wont master whip you , just . she tied the unhappy dog up again , but do you think nana ceased to bark . bring master and missus home from the party . why , that was just what she wanted . do you think she cared whether she was whipped so long as her charges were safe . unfortunately liza returned to her puddings , and nana , seeing that no help would come from her , strained and strained at the chain until at last she broke it . in another moment she had burst into the dining room of and flung up her paws to heaven , her most expressive way of making a communication . mr . and mrs . darling knew at once that something terrible was happening in their nursery , and without a good bye to their hostess they rushed into the street . but it was now ten minutes since three scoundrels had been breathing behind the curtains , and peter pan can do a great deal in ten minutes . we now return to the nursery . its all right , john announced , emerging from his hiding place . i say , peter , can you really fly . instead of troubling to answer him peter flew around the room , taking the mantelpiece on the way . how topping . said john and michael . how sweet . cried wendy . yes , im sweet , oh , i am sweet . said peter , forgetting his manners again . it looked delightfully easy , and they tried it first from the floor and then from the beds , but they always went down instead of up . i say , how do you do it . asked john , rubbing his knee . he was quite a practical boy . you just think lovely wonderful thoughts , peter explained , and they lift you up in the air . he showed them again . youre so nippy at it , john said , couldnt you do it very slowly once . peter did it both slowly and quickly . ive got it now , wendy . cried john , but soon he found he had not . not one of them could fly an inch , though even michael was in words of two syllables , and peter did not know a from z . of course peter had been trifling with them , for no one can fly unless the fairy dust has been blown on him . fortunately , as we have mentioned , one of his hands was messy with it , and he blew some on each of them , with the most superb results . now just wiggle your shoulders this way , he said , and let go . they were all on their beds , and gallant michael let go first . he did not quite mean to let go , but he did it , and immediately he was borne across the room . i flewed . he screamed while still in mid air . john let go and met wendy near the bathroom . oh , lovely . oh , ripping . look at me . look at me . look at me . they were not nearly so elegant as peter , they could not help kicking a little , but their heads were bobbing against the ceiling , and there is almost nothing so delicious as that . peter gave wendy a hand at first , but had to desist , tink was so indignant . up and down they went , and round and round . heavenly was wendys word . i say , cried john , why shouldnt we all go out . of course it was to this that peter had been luring them . michael was ready he wanted to see how long it took him to do a billion miles . but wendy hesitated . mermaids . said peter again . oo . and there are pirates . pirates , cried john , seizing his sunday hat , let us go at once . it was just at this moment that mr . and mrs . darling hurried with nana out of . they ran into the middle of the street to look up at the nursery window and , yes , it was still shut , but the room was ablaze with light , and most heart gripping sight of all , they could see in shadow on the curtain three little figures in night attire circling round and round , not on the floor but in the air . not three figures , four . in a tremble they opened the street door . mr . darling would have rushed upstairs , but mrs . darling signed him to go softly . she even tried to make her heart go softly . will they reach the nursery in time . if so , how delightful for them , and we shall all breathe a sigh of relief , but there will be no story . on the other hand , if they are not in time , i solemnly promise that it will all come right in the end . they would have reached the nursery in time had it not been that the little stars were watching them . once again the stars blew the window open , and that smallest star of all called out cave , peter . then peter knew that there was not a moment to lose . come , he cried imperiously , and soared out at once into the night , followed by john and michael and wendy . mr . and mrs . darling and nana rushed into the nursery too late . the birds were flown . chapter the flight second to the right , and straight on till morning . that , peter had told wendy , was the way to the neverland but even birds , carrying maps and consulting them at windy corners , could not have sighted it with these instructions . peter , you see , just said anything that came into his head . at first his companions trusted him implicitly , and so great were the delights of flying that they wasted time circling round church spires or any other tall objects on the way that took their fancy . john and michael raced , michael getting a start . they recalled with contempt that not so long ago they had thought themselves fine fellows for being able to fly round a room . not long ago . but how long ago . they were flying over the sea before this thought began to disturb wendy seriously . john thought it was their second sea and their third night . sometimes it was dark and sometimes light , and now they were very cold and again too warm . did they really feel hungry at times , or were they merely pretending , because peter had such a jolly new way of feeding them . his way was to pursue birds who had food in their mouths suitable for humans and snatch it from them then the birds would follow and snatch it back and they would all go chasing each other gaily for miles , parting at last with mutual expressions of good will . but wendy noticed with gentle concern that peter did not seem to know that this was rather an odd way of getting your bread and butter , nor even that there are other ways . certainly they did not pretend to be sleepy , they were sleepy and that was a danger , for the moment they popped off , down they fell . the awful thing was that peter thought this funny . there he goes again . he would cry gleefully , as michael suddenly dropped like a stone . save him , save him . cried wendy , looking with horror at the cruel sea far below . eventually peter would dive through the air , and catch michael just before he could strike the sea , and it was lovely the way he did it but he always waited till the last moment , and you felt it was his cleverness that interested him and not the saving of human life . also he was fond of variety , and the sport that engrossed him one moment would suddenly cease to engage him , so there was always the possibility that the next time you fell he would let you go . he could sleep in the air without falling , by merely lying on his back and floating , but this was , partly at least , because he was so light that if you got behind him and blew he went faster . do be more polite to him , wendy whispered to john , when they were playing follow my leader . then tell him to stop showing off , said john . when playing follow my leader , peter would fly close to the water and touch each sharks tail in passing , just as in the street you may run your finger along an iron railing . they could not follow him in this with much success , so perhaps it was rather like showing off , especially as he kept looking behind to see how many tails they missed . you must be nice to him , wendy impressed on her brothers . what could we do if he were to leave us . we could go back , michael said . how could we ever find our way back without him . well , then , we could go on , said john . that is the awful thing , john . we should have to go on , for we dont know how to stop . this was true , peter had forgotten to show them how to stop . john said that if the worst came to the worst , all they had to do was to go straight on , for the world was round , and so in time they must come back to their own window . and who is to get food for us , john . i nipped a bit out of that eagles mouth pretty neatly , wendy . after the twentieth try , wendy reminded him . and even though we became good at picking up food , see how we bump against clouds and things if he is not near to give us a hand . indeed they were constantly bumping . they could now fly strongly , though they still kicked far too much but if they saw a cloud in front of them , the more they tried to avoid it , the more certainly did they bump into it . if nana had been with them , she would have had a bandage round michaels forehead by this time . peter was not with them for the moment , and they felt rather lonely up there by themselves . he could go so much faster than they that he would suddenly shoot out of sight , to have some adventure in which they had no share . he would come down laughing over something fearfully funny he had been saying to a star , but he had already forgotten what it was , or he would come up with mermaid scales still sticking to him , and yet not be able to say for certain what had been happening . it was really rather irritating to children who had never seen a mermaid . and if he forgets them so quickly , wendy argued , how can we expect that he will go on remembering us . indeed , sometimes when he returned he did not remember them , at least not well . wendy was sure of it . she saw recognition come into his eyes as he was about to pass them the time of day and go on once even she had to call him by name . im wendy , she said agitatedly . he was very sorry . i say , wendy , he whispered to her , always if you see me forgetting you , just keep on saying im wendy , and then ill remember . of course this was rather unsatisfactory . however , to make amends he showed them how to lie out flat on a strong wind that was going their way , and this was such a pleasant change that they tried it several times and found that they could sleep thus with security . indeed they would have slept longer , but peter tired quickly of sleeping , and soon he would cry in his captain voice , we get off here . so with occasional tiffs , but on the whole rollicking , they drew near the neverland for after many moons they did reach it , and , what is more , they had been going pretty straight all the time , not perhaps so much owing to the guidance of peter or tink as because the island was looking for them . it is only thus that any one may sight those magic shores . there it is , said peter calmly . where , . where all the arrows are pointing . indeed a million golden arrows were pointing it out to the children , all directed by their friend the sun , who wanted them to be sure of their way before leaving them for the night . wendy and john and michael stood on tip toe in the air to get their first sight of the island . strange to say , they all recognized it at once , and until fear fell upon them they hailed it , not as something long dreamt of and seen at last , but as a familiar friend to whom they were returning home for the holidays . john , theres the lagoon . wendy , look at the turtles burying their eggs in the sand . i say , john , i see your flamingo with the broken leg . look , michael , theres your cave . john , whats that in the brushwood . its a wolf with her whelps . wendy , i do believe thats your little whelp . theres my boat , john , with her sides stove in . no , it isnt . why , we burned your boat . thats her , at any rate . i say , john , i see the smoke of the redskin camp . where . show me , and ill tell you by the way smoke curls whether they are on the war path . there , just across the mysterious river . i see now . yes , they are on the war path right enough . peter was a little annoyed with them for knowing so much , but if he wanted to lord it over them his triumph was at hand , for have i not told you that anon fear fell upon them . it came as the arrows went , leaving the island in gloom . in the old days at home the neverland had always begun to look a little dark and threatening by bedtime . then unexplored patches arose in it and spread , black shadows moved about in them , the roar of the beasts of prey was quite different now , and above all , you lost the certainty that you would win . you were quite glad that the night lights were on . you even liked nana to say that this was just the mantelpiece over here , and that the neverland was all make believe . of course the neverland had been make believe in those days , but it was real now , and there were no night lights, , and it was getting darker every moment , and where was nana . they had been flying apart , but they huddled close to peter now . his careless manner had gone at last , his eyes were sparkling , and a tingle went through them every time they touched his body . they were now over the fearsome island , flying so low that sometimes a tree grazed their feet . nothing horrid was visible in the air , yet their progress had become slow and laboured , exactly as if they were pushing their way through hostile forces . sometimes they hung in the air until peter had beaten on it with his fists . they dont want us to land , he explained . who are they . wendy whispered , shuddering . but he could not or would not say . tinker bell had been asleep on his shoulder , but now he wakened her and sent her on in front . sometimes he poised himself in the air , listening intently , with his hand to his ear , and again he would stare down with eyes so bright that they seemed to bore two holes to earth . having done these things , he went on again . his courage was almost appalling . would you like an adventure now , he said casually to john , or would you like to have your tea first . wendy said tea first quickly , and michael pressed her hand in gratitude , but the braver john hesitated . what kind of adventure . he asked cautiously . theres a pirate asleep in the pampas just beneath us , peter told him . if you like , well go down and kill him . i dont see him , john said after a long pause . i do . suppose , john said , a little huskily , he were to wake up . peter spoke indignantly . you dont think i would kill him while he was sleeping . i would wake him first , and then kill him . thats the way i always do . i say . do you kill many . tons . john said how ripping , but decided to have tea first . he asked if there were many pirates on the island just now , and peter said he had never known so many . who is captain now . hook , answered peter , and his face became very stern as he said that hated word . jas . hook . ay . then indeed michael began to cry , and even john could speak in gulps only , for they knew hooks reputation . he was blackbeards bosun , john whispered huskily . he is the worst of them all . he is the only man of whom barbecue was afraid . thats him , said peter . what is he like . is he big . he is not so big as he was . how do you mean . i cut off a bit of him . you . yes , me , said peter sharply . i wasnt meaning to be disrespectful . oh , all right . but , i say , what bit . his right hand . then he cant fight now . oh , cant he just . left hander . he has an iron hook instead of a right hand , and he claws with it . claws . i say , john , said peter . yes . say , ay , sir . ay , sir . there is one thing , peter continued , that every boy who serves under me has to promise , and so must you . john paled . it is this , if we meet hook in open fight , you must leave him to me . i promise , john said loyally . for the moment they were feeling less eerie , because tink was flying with them , and in her light they could distinguish each other . unfortunately she could not fly so slowly as they , and so she had to go round and round them in a circle in which they moved as in a halo . wendy quite liked it , until peter pointed out the drawbacks . she tells me , he said , that the pirates sighted us before the darkness came , and got long tom out . the big gun . yes . and of course they must see her light , and if they guess we are near it they are sure to let fly . wendy . john . michael . tell her to go away at once , peter , the three cried simultaneously , but he refused . she thinks we have lost the way , he replied stiffly , and she is rather frightened . you dont think i would send her away all by herself when she is frightened . for a moment the circle of light was broken , and something gave peter a loving little pinch . then tell her , wendy begged , to put out her light . she cant put it out . that is about the only thing fairies cant do . it just goes out of itself when she falls asleep , same as the stars . then tell her to sleep at once , john almost ordered . she cant sleep except when shes sleepy . it is the only other thing fairies cant do . seems to me , growled john , these are the only two things worth doing . here he got a pinch , but not a loving one . if only one of us had a pocket , peter said , we could carry her in it . however , they had set off in such a hurry that there was not a pocket between the four of them . he had a happy idea . johns hat . tink agreed to travel by hat if it was carried in the hand . john carried it , though she had hoped to be carried by peter . presently wendy took the hat , because john said it struck against his knee as he flew and this , as we shall see , led to mischief , for tinker bell hated to be under an obligation to wendy . in the black topper the light was completely hidden , and they flew on in silence . it was the stillest silence they had ever known , broken once by a distant lapping , which peter explained was the wild beasts drinking at the ford , and again by a rasping sound that might have been the branches of trees rubbing together , but he said it was the redskins sharpening their knives . even these noises ceased . to michael the loneliness was dreadful . if only something would make a sound . he cried . as if in answer to his request , the air was rent by the most tremendous crash he had ever heard . the pirates had fired long tom at them . the roar of it echoed through the mountains , and the echoes seemed to cry savagely , where are they , where are they , where are they . thus sharply did the terrified three learn the difference between an island of make believe and the same island come true . when at last the heavens were steady again , john and michael found themselves alone in the darkness . john was treading the air mechanically , and michael without knowing how to float was floating . are you shot . john whispered tremulously . i havent tried yet , michael whispered back . we know now that no one had been hit . peter , however , had been carried by the wind of the shot far out to sea , while wendy was blown upwards with no companion but tinker bell . it would have been well for wendy if at that moment she had dropped the hat . i dont know whether the idea came suddenly to tink , or whether she had planned it on the way , but she at once popped out of the hat and began to lure wendy to her destruction . tink was not all bad or , rather , she was all bad just now , but , on the other hand , sometimes she was all good . fairies have to be one thing or the other , because being so small they unfortunately have room for one feeling only at a time . they are , however , allowed to change , only it must be a complete change . at present she was full of jealousy of wendy . what she said in her lovely tinkle wendy could not of course understand , and i believe some of it was bad words , but it sounded kind , and she flew back and forward , plainly meaning follow me , and all will be well . what else could poor wendy do . she called to peter and john and michael , and got only mocking echoes in reply . she did not yet know that tink hated her with the fierce hatred of a very woman . and so , bewildered , and now staggering in her flight , she followed tink to her doom . chapter the island come true feeling that peter was on his way back , the neverland had again woke into life . we ought to use the pluperfect and say wakened , but woke is better and was always used by peter . in his absence things are usually quiet on the island . the fairies take an hour longer in the morning , the beasts attend to their young , the redskins feed heavily for six days and nights , and when pirates and lost boys meet they merely bite their thumbs at each other . but with the coming of peter , who hates lethargy , they are under way again if you put your ear to the ground now , you would hear the whole island seething with life . on this evening the chief forces of the island were disposed as follows . the lost boys were out looking for peter , the pirates were out looking for the lost boys , the redskins were out looking for the pirates , and the beasts were out looking for the redskins . they were going round and round the island , but they did not meet because all were going at the same rate . all wanted blood except the boys , who liked it as a rule , but to night were out to greet their captain . the boys on the island vary , of course , in numbers , according as they get killed and so on and when they seem to be growing up , which is against the rules , peter thins them out but at this time there were six of them , counting the twins as two . let us pretend to lie here among the sugar cane and watch them as they steal by in single file , each with his hand on his dagger . they are forbidden by peter to look in the least like him , and they wear the skins of the bears slain by themselves , in which they are so round and furry that when they fall they roll . they have therefore become very sure footed . the first to pass is tootles , not the least brave but the most unfortunate of all that gallant band . he had been in fewer adventures than any of them , because the big things constantly happened just when he had stepped round the corner all would be quiet , he would take the opportunity of going off to gather a few sticks for firewood , and then when he returned the others would be sweeping up the blood . this ill luck had given a gentle melancholy to his countenance , but instead of souring his nature had sweetened it , so that he was quite the humblest of the boys . poor kind tootles , there is danger in the air for you to night . take care lest an adventure is now offered you , which , if accepted , will plunge you in deepest woe . tootles , the fairy tink , who is bent on mischief this night is looking for a tool for doing her mischief , and she thinks you are the most easily tricked of the boys . ware tinker bell . would that he could hear us , but we are not really on the island , and he passes by , biting his knuckles . next comes nibs , the gay and debonair , followed by slightly , who cuts whistles out of the trees and dances ecstatically to his own tunes . slightly is the most conceited of the boys . he thinks he remembers the days before he was lost , with their manners and customs , and this has given his nose an offensive tilt . curly is fourth he is a pickle , a person who gets in pickles predicaments and so often has he had to deliver up his person when peter said sternly , stand forth the one who did this thing , that now at the command he stands forth automatically whether he has done it or not . last come the twins , who cannot be described because we should be sure to be describing the wrong one . peter never quite knew what twins were , and his band were not allowed to know anything he did not know , so these two were always vague about themselves , and did their best to give satisfaction by keeping close together in an apologetic sort of way . the boys vanish in the gloom , and after a pause , but not a long pause , for things go briskly on the island , come the pirates on their track . we hear them before they are seen , and it is always the same dreadful song avast belay , yo ho , heave to , a pirating we go , and if were parted by a shot were sure to meet below . a more villainous looking lot never hung in a row on execution dock . here , a little in advance , ever and again with his head to the ground listening , his great arms bare , pieces of eight in his ears as ornaments , is the handsome italian cecco , who cut his name in letters of blood on the back of the governor of the prison at gao . that gigantic black behind him has had many names since he dropped the one with which dusky mothers still terrify their children on the banks of the guadjo mo . here is bill jukes , every inch of him tattooed , the same bill jukes who got six dozen on the walrus from flint before he would drop the bag of moidores and cookson , said to be black murphys brother and gentleman starkey , once an usher in a public school and still dainty in his ways of killing and skylights and the irish bosun smee , an oddly genial man who stabbed , so to speak , without offence , and was the only non conformist in hooks crew and noodler , whose hands were fixed on backwards and robt . mullins and alf mason and many another ruffian long known and feared on the spanish main . in the midst of them , the blackest and largest in that dark setting , reclined james hook , or as he wrote himself , jas . hook , of whom it is said he was the only man that the sea cook feared . he lay at his ease in a rough chariot drawn and propelled by his men , and instead of a right hand he had the iron hook with which ever and anon he encouraged them to increase their pace . as dogs this terrible man treated and addressed them , and as dogs they obeyed him . in person he was cadaverous dead looking and blackavized and his hair was dressed in long curls , which at a little distance looked like black candles , and gave a singularly threatening expression to his handsome countenance . his eyes were of the blue of the forget me , and of a profound melancholy , save when he was plunging his hook into you , at which time two red spots appeared in them and lit them up horribly . in manner , something of the grand seigneur still clung to him , so that he even ripped you up with an air , and i have been told that he was a raconteur of repute . he was never more sinister than when he was most polite , which is probably the truest test of breeding and the elegance of his diction , even when he was swearing , no less than the distinction of his demeanour , showed him one of a different cast from his crew . a man of indomitable courage , it was said that the only thing he shied at was the sight of his own blood , which was thick and of an unusual colour . in dress he somewhat aped the attire associated with the name of charles ii , having heard it said in some earlier period of his career that he bore a strange resemblance to the ill fated stuarts and in his mouth he had a holder of his own contrivance which enabled him to smoke two cigars at once . but undoubtedly the grimmest part of him was his iron claw . let us now kill a pirate , to show hooks method . skylights will do . as they pass , skylights lurches clumsily against him , ruffling his lace collar the hook shoots forth , there is a tearing sound and one screech , then the body is kicked aside , and the pirates pass on . he has not even taken the cigars from his mouth . such is the terrible man against whom peter pan is pitted . which will win . on the trail of the pirates , stealing noiselessly down the war path, , which is not visible to inexperienced eyes , come the redskins , every one of them with his eyes peeled . they carry tomahawks and knives , and their naked bodies gleam with paint and oil . strung around them are scalps , of boys as well as of pirates , for these are the piccaninny tribe , and not to be confused with the softer hearted delawares or the hurons . in the van , on all fours , is great big little panther , a brave of so many scalps that in his present position they somewhat impede his progress . bringing up the rear , the place of greatest danger , comes tiger lily , proudly erect , a princess in her own right . she is the most beautiful of dusky dianas and the belle of the piccaninnies , coquettish cold and amorous by turns there is not a brave who would not have the wayward thing to wife , but she staves off the altar with a hatchet . observe how they pass over fallen twigs without making the slightest noise . the only sound to be heard is their somewhat heavy breathing . the fact is that they are all a little fat just now after the heavy gorging , but in time they will work this off . for the moment , however , it constitutes their chief danger . the redskins disappear as they have come like shadows , and soon their place is taken by the beasts , a great and motley procession lions , tigers , bears , and the innumerable smaller savage things that flee from them , for every kind of beast , and , more particularly , all the man eaters, , live cheek by jowl on the favoured island . their tongues are hanging out , they are hungry to night . when they have passed , comes the last figure of all , a gigantic crocodile . we shall see for whom she is looking presently . the crocodile passes , but soon the boys appear again , for the procession must continue indefinitely until one of the parties stops or changes its pace . then quickly they will be on top of each other . all are keeping a sharp look out in front , but none suspects that the danger may be creeping up from behind . this shows how real the island was . the first to fall out of the moving circle was the boys . they flung themselves down on the sward close to their underground home . i do wish peter would come back , every one of them said nervously , though in height and still more in breadth they were all larger than their captain . i am the only one who is not afraid of the pirates , slightly said , in the tone that prevented his being a general favourite but perhaps some distant sound disturbed him , for he added hastily , but i wish he would come back , and tell us whether he has heard anything more about cinderella . they talked of cinderella , and tootles was confident that his mother must have been very like her . it was only in peters absence that they could speak of mothers , the subject being forbidden by him as silly . all i remember about my mother , nibs told them , is that she often said to my father , oh , how i wish i had a cheque book of my own . i dont know what a cheque book is , but i should just love to give my mother one . while they talked they heard a distant sound . you or i , not being wild things of the woods , would have heard nothing , but they heard it , and it was the grim song yo ho , yo ho , the pirate life , the flag o skull and bones , a merry hour , a hempen rope , and hey for davy jones . at once the lost boys  where are they . they are no longer there . rabbits could not have disappeared more quickly . i will tell you where they are . with the exception of nibs , who has darted away to reconnoitre they are already in their home under the ground , a very delightful residence of which we shall see a good deal presently . but how have they reached it . for there is no entrance to be seen , not so much as a large stone , which if rolled away , would disclose the mouth of a cave . look closely , however , and you may note that there are here seven large trees , each with a hole in its hollow trunk as large as a boy . these are the seven entrances to the home under the ground , for which hook has been searching in vain these many moons . will he find it tonight . as the pirates advanced , the quick eye of starkey sighted nibs disappearing through the wood , and at once his pistol flashed out . but an iron claw gripped his shoulder . captain , let go . he cried , writhing . now for the first time we hear the voice of hook . it was a black voice . put back that pistol first , it said threateningly . it was one of those boys you hate . i could have shot him dead . ay , and the sound would have brought tiger lilys redskins upon us . do you want to lose your scalp . shall i after him , captain , asked pathetic smee , and tickle him with johnny corkscrew . smee had pleasant names for everything , and his cutlass was johnny corkscrew , because he wiggled it in the wound . one could mention many lovable traits in smee . for instance , after killing , it was his spectacles he wiped instead of his weapon . johnnys a silent fellow , he reminded hook . not now , smee , hook said darkly . he is only one , and i want to mischief all the seven . scatter and look for them . the pirates disappeared among the trees , and in a moment their captain and smee were alone . hook heaved a heavy sigh , and i know not why it was , perhaps it was because of the soft beauty of the evening , but there came over him a desire to confide to his faithful bosun the story of his life . he spoke long and earnestly , but what it was all about smee , who was rather stupid , did not know in the least . anon he caught the word peter . most of all , hook was saying passionately , i want their captain , peter pan . twas he cut off my arm . he brandished the hook threateningly . ive waited long to shake his hand with this . oh , ill tear him . and yet , said smee , i have often heard you say that hook was worth a score of hands , for combing the hair and other homely uses . ay , the captain answered , if i was a mother i would pray to have my children born with this instead of that , and he cast a look of pride upon his iron hand and one of scorn upon the other . then again he frowned . peter flung my arm , he said , wincing , to a crocodile that happened to be passing by . i have often , said smee , noticed your strange dread of crocodiles . not of crocodiles , hook corrected him , but of that one crocodile . he lowered his voice . it liked my arm so much , smee , that it has followed me ever since , from sea to sea and from land to land , licking its lips for the rest of me . in a way , said smee , its sort of a compliment . i want no such compliments , hook barked petulantly . i want peter pan , who first gave the brute its taste for me . he sat down on a large mushroom , and now there was a quiver in his voice . smee , he said huskily , that crocodile would have had me before this , but by a lucky chance it swallowed a clock which goes tick inside it , and so before it can reach me i hear the tick and bolt . he laughed , but in a hollow way . some day , said smee , the clock will run down , and then hell get you . hook wetted his dry lips . ay , he said , thats the fear that haunts me . since sitting down he had felt curiously warm . smee , he said , this seat is hot . he jumped up . odds bobs , hammer and tongs im burning . they examined the mushroom , which was of a size and solidity unknown on the mainland they tried to pull it up , and it came away at once in their hands , for it had no root . stranger still , smoke began at once to ascend . the pirates looked at each other . a chimney . they both exclaimed . they had indeed discovered the chimney of the home under the ground . it was the custom of the boys to stop it with a mushroom when enemies were in the neighbourhood . not only smoke came out of it . there came also childrens voices , for so safe did the boys feel in their hiding place that they were gaily chattering . the pirates listened grimly , and then replaced the mushroom . they looked around them and noted the holes in the seven trees . did you hear them say peter pans from home . smee whispered , fidgeting with johnny corkscrew . hook nodded . he stood for a long time lost in thought , and at last a curdling smile lit up his swarthy face . smee had been waiting for it . unrip your plan , captain , he cried eagerly . to return to the ship , hook replied slowly through his teeth , and cook a large rich cake of a jolly thickness with green sugar on it . there can be but one room below , for there is but one chimney . the silly moles had not the sense to see that they did not need a door apiece . that shows they have no mother . we will leave the cake on the shore of the mermaids lagoon . these boys are always swimming about there , playing with the mermaids . they will find the cake and they will gobble it up , because , having no mother , they dont know how dangerous tis to eat rich damp cake . he burst into laughter , not hollow laughter now , but honest laughter . aha , they will die . smee had listened with growing admiration . its the wickedest , prettiest policy ever i heard of . he cried , and in their exultation they danced and sang avast , belay , when i appear , by fear theyre overtook noughts left upon your bones when you have shaken claws with hook . they began the verse , but they never finished it , for another sound broke in and stilled them . there was at first such a tiny sound that a leaf might have fallen on it and smothered it , but as it came nearer it was more distinct . tick . hook stood shuddering , one foot in the air . the crocodile . he gasped , and bounded away , followed by his bosun . it was indeed the crocodile . it had passed the redskins , who were now on the trail of the other pirates . it oozed on after hook . once more the boys emerged into the open but the dangers of the night were not yet over , for presently nibs rushed breathless into their midst , pursued by a pack of wolves . the tongues of the pursuers were hanging out the baying of them was horrible . save me , save me . cried nibs , falling on the ground . but what can we do , what can we do . it was a high compliment to peter that at that dire moment their thoughts turned to him . what would peter do . they cried simultaneously . almost in the same breath they cried , peter would look at them through his legs . and then , let us do what peter would do . it is quite the most successful way of defying wolves , and as one boy they bent and looked through their legs . the next moment is the long one , but victory came quickly , for as the boys advanced upon them in the terrible attitude , the wolves dropped their tails and fled . now nibs rose from the ground , and the others thought that his staring eyes still saw the wolves . but it was not wolves he saw . i have seen a wonderfuller thing , he cried , as they gathered round him eagerly . a great white bird . it is flying this way . what kind of a bird , do you think . i dont know , nibs said , awestruck , but it looks so weary , and as it flies it moans , poor wendy . poor wendy . i remember , said slightly instantly , there are birds called wendies . see , it comes . cried curly , pointing to wendy in the heavens . wendy was now almost overhead , and they could hear her plaintive cry . but more distinct came the shrill voice of tinker bell . the jealous fairy had now cast off all disguise of friendship , and was darting at her victim from every direction , pinching savagely each time she touched . hullo , tink , cried the wondering boys . tinks reply rang out peter wants you to shoot the wendy . it was not in their nature to question when peter ordered . let us do what peter wishes . cried the simple boys . quick , bows and arrows . all but tootles popped down their trees . he had a bow and arrow with him , and tink noted it , and rubbed her little hands . quick , tootles , quick , she screamed . peter will be so pleased . tootles excitedly fitted the arrow to his bow . out of the way , tink , he shouted , and then he fired , and wendy fluttered to the ground with an arrow in her breast . chapter the little house foolish tootles was standing like a conqueror over wendys body when the other boys sprang , armed , from their trees . you are too late , he cried proudly , i have shot the wendy . peter will be so pleased with me . overhead tinker bell shouted silly ass . and darted into hiding . the others did not hear her . they had crowded round wendy , and as they looked a terrible silence fell upon the wood . if wendys heart had been beating they would all have heard it . slightly was the first to speak . this is no bird , he said in a scared voice . i think this must be a lady . a lady . said tootles , and fell a trembling . and we have killed her , nibs said hoarsely . they all whipped off their caps . now i see , curly said peter was bringing her to us . he threw himself sorrowfully on the ground . a lady to take care of us at last , said one of the twins , and you have killed her . they were sorry for him , but sorrier for themselves , and when he took a step nearer them they turned from him . tootles face was very white , but there was a dignity about him now that had never been there before . i did it , he said , reflecting . when ladies used to come to me in dreams , i said , pretty mother , pretty mother . but when at last she really came , i shot her . he moved slowly away . dont go , they called in pity . i must , he answered , shaking i am so afraid of peter . it was at this tragic moment that they heard a sound which made the heart of every one of them rise to his mouth . they heard peter crow . peter . they cried , for it was always thus that he signalled his return . hide her , they whispered , and gathered hastily around wendy . but tootles stood aloof . again came that ringing crow , and peter dropped in front of them . greetings , boys , he cried , and mechanically they saluted , and then again was silence . he frowned . i am back , he said hotly , why do you not cheer . they opened their mouths , but the cheers would not come . he overlooked it in his haste to tell the glorious tidings . great news , boys , he cried , i have brought at last a mother for you all . still no sound , except a little thud from tootles as he dropped on his knees . have you not seen her . asked peter , becoming troubled . she flew this way . ah me . one voice said , and another said , oh , mournful day . tootles rose . peter , he said quietly , i will show her to you , and when the others would still have hidden her he said , back , twins , let peter see . so they all stood back , and let him see , and after he had looked for a little time he did not know what to do next . she is dead , he said uncomfortably . perhaps she is frightened at being dead . he thought of hopping off in a comic sort of way till he was out of sight of her , and then never going near the spot any more . they would all have been glad to follow if he had done this . but there was the arrow . he took it from her heart and faced his band . whose arrow . he demanded sternly . mine , peter , said tootles on his knees . oh , dastard hand , peter said , and he raised the arrow to use it as a dagger . tootles did not flinch . he bared his breast . strike , peter , he said firmly , strike true . twice did peter raise the arrow , and twice did his hand fall . i cannot strike , he said with awe , there is something stays my hand . all looked at him in wonder , save nibs , who fortunately looked at wendy . it is she , he cried , the wendy lady , see , her arm . wonderful to relate wendy had raised her arm . nibs bent over her and listened reverently . i think she said , poor tootles , he whispered . she lives , peter said briefly . slightly cried instantly , the wendy lady lives . then peter knelt beside her and found his button . you remember she had put it on a chain that she wore round her neck . see , he said , the arrow struck against this . it is the kiss i gave her . it has saved her life . i remember kisses , slightly interposed quickly , let me see it . ay , thats a kiss . peter did not hear him . he was begging wendy to get better quickly , so that he could show her the mermaids . of course she could not answer yet , being still in a frightful faint but from overhead came a wailing note . listen to tink , said curly , she is crying because the wendy lives . then they had to tell peter of tinks crime , and almost never had they seen him look so stern . listen , tinker bell , he cried , i am your friend no more . begone from me for ever . she flew on to his shoulder and pleaded , but he brushed her off . not until wendy again raised her arm did he relent sufficiently to say , well , not for ever , but for a whole week . do you think tinker bell was grateful to wendy for raising her arm . oh dear no , never wanted to pinch her so much . fairies indeed are strange , and peter , who understood them best , often cuffed them . but what to do with wendy in her present delicate state of health . let us carry her down into the house , curly suggested . ay , said slightly , that is what one does with ladies . no , peter said , you must not touch her . it would not be sufficiently respectful . that , said slightly , is what i was thinking . but if she lies there , tootles said , she will die . ay , she will die , slightly admitted , but there is no way out . yes , there is , cried peter . let us build a little house round her . they were all delighted . quick , he ordered them , bring me each of you the best of what we have . gut our house . be sharp . in a moment they were as busy as tailors the night before a wedding . they skurried this way and that , down for bedding , up for firewood , and while they were at it , who should appear but john and michael . as they dragged along the ground they fell asleep standing , stopped , woke up , moved another step and slept again . john , michael would cry , wake up . where is nana , john , and mother . and then john would rub his eyes and mutter , it is true , we did fly . you may be sure they were very relieved to find peter . hullo , peter , they said . hullo , replied peter amicably , though he had quite forgotten them . he was very busy at the moment measuring wendy with his feet to see how large a house she would need . of course he meant to leave room for chairs and a table . john and michael watched him . is wendy asleep . they asked . yes . john , michael proposed , let us wake her and get her to make supper for us , but as he said it some of the other boys rushed on carrying branches for the building of the house . look at them . he cried . curly , said peter in his most captainy voice , see that these boys help in the building of the house . ay , sir . build a house . exclaimed john . for the wendy , said curly . for wendy . john said , aghast . why , she is only a girl . that , explained curly , is why we are her servants . you . wendys servants . yes , said peter , and you also . away with them . the astounded brothers were dragged away to hack and hew and carry . chairs and a fender first , peter ordered . then we shall build a house round them . ay , said slightly , that is how a house is built it all comes back to me . peter thought of everything . slightly , he cried , fetch a doctor . ay , said slightly at once , and disappeared , scratching his head . but he knew peter must be obeyed , and he returned in a moment , wearing johns hat and looking solemn . please , sir , said peter , going to him , are you a doctor . the difference between him and the other boys at such a time was that they knew it was make believe, , while to him make believe and true were exactly the same thing . this sometimes troubled them , as when they had to make believe that they had their dinners . if they broke down in their make believe he rapped them on the knuckles . yes , my little man , slightly anxiously replied , who had chapped knuckles . please , sir , peter explained , a lady lies very ill . she was lying at their feet , but slightly had the sense not to see her . tut , he said , where does she lie . in yonder glade . i will put a glass thing in her mouth , said slightly , and he made believe to do it , while peter waited . it was an anxious moment when the glass thing was withdrawn . how is she . inquired peter . tut , said slightly , this has cured her . i am glad . peter cried . i will call again in the evening , slightly said give her beef tea out of a cup with a spout to it but after he had returned the hat to john he blew big breaths , which was his habit on escaping from a difficulty . in the meantime the wood had been alive with the sound of axes almost everything needed for a cosy dwelling already lay at wendys feet . if only we knew , said one , the kind of house she likes best . peter , shouted another , she is moving in her sleep . her mouth opens , cried a third , looking respectfully into it . oh , lovely . perhaps she is going to sing in her sleep , said peter . wendy , sing the kind of house you would like to have . immediately , without opening her eyes , wendy began to sing i wish i had a pretty house , the littlest ever seen , with funny little red walls and roof of mossy green . they gurgled with joy at this , for by the greatest good luck the branches they had brought were sticky with red sap , and all the ground was carpeted with moss . as they rattled up the little house they broke into song themselves weve built the little walls and roof and made a lovely door , so tell us , mother wendy , what are you wanting more . to this she answered greedily oh , really next i think ill have gay windows all about , with roses peeping in , you know , and babies peeping out . with a blow of their fists they made windows , and large yellow leaves were the blinds . but roses  . roses , cried peter sternly . quickly they made believe to grow the loveliest roses up the walls . babies . to prevent peter ordering babies they hurried into song again weve made the roses peeping out , the babes are at the door , we cannot make ourselves , you know , cos weve been made before . peter , seeing this to be a good idea , at once pretended that it was his own . the house was quite beautiful , and no doubt wendy was very cosy within , though , of course , they could no longer see her . peter strode up and down , ordering finishing touches . nothing escaped his eagle eyes . just when it seemed absolutely finished theres no knocker on the door , he said . they were very ashamed , but tootles gave the sole of his shoe , and it made an excellent knocker . absolutely finished now , they thought . not of bit of it . theres no chimney , peter said we must have a chimney . it certainly does need a chimney , said john importantly . this gave peter an idea . he snatched the hat off johns head , knocked out the bottom and put the hat on the roof . the little house was so pleased to have such a capital chimney that , as if to say thank you , smoke immediately began to come out of the hat . now really and truly it was finished . nothing remained to do but to knock . all look your best , peter warned them first impressions are awfully important . he was glad no one asked him what first impressions are they were all too busy looking their best . he knocked politely , and now the wood was as still as the children , not a sound to be heard except from tinker bell , who was watching from a branch and openly sneering . what the boys were wondering was , would any one answer the knock . if a lady , what would she be like . the door opened and a lady came out . it was wendy . they all whipped off their hats . she looked properly surprised , and this was just how they had hoped she would look . where am i . she said . of course slightly was the first to get his word in . wendy lady , he said rapidly , for you we built this house . oh , say youre pleased , cried nibs . lovely , darling house , wendy said , and they were the very words they had hoped she would say . and we are your children , cried the twins . then all went on their knees , and holding out their arms cried , o wendy lady , be our mother . ought i . wendy said , all shining . of course its frightfully fascinating , but you see i am only a little girl . i have no real experience . that doesnt matter , said peter , as if he were the only person present who knew all about it , though he was really the one who knew least . what we need is just a nice motherly person . oh dear . wendy said , you see , i feel that is exactly what i am . it is , it is , they all cried we saw it at once . very well , she said , i will do my best . come inside at once , you naughty children i am sure your feet are damp . and before i put you to bed i have just time to finish the story of cinderella . in they went i dont know how there was room for them , but you can squeeze very tight in the neverland . and that was the first of the many joyous evenings they had with wendy . by and by she tucked them up in the great bed in the home under the trees , but she herself slept that night in the little house , and peter kept watch outside with drawn sword , for the pirates could be heard carousing far away and the wolves were on the prowl . the little house looked so cosy and safe in the darkness , with a bright light showing through its blinds , and the chimney smoking beautifully , and peter standing on guard . after a time he fell asleep , and some unsteady fairies had to climb over him on their way home from an orgy . any of the other boys obstructing the fairy path at night they would have mischiefed , but they just tweaked peters nose and passed on . chapter the home under the ground one of the first things peter did next day was to measure wendy and john and michael for hollow trees . hook , you remember , had sneered at the boys for thinking they needed a tree apiece , but this was ignorance , for unless your tree fitted you it was difficult to go up and down , and no two of the boys were quite the same size . once you fitted , you drew in your breath at the top , and down you went at exactly the right speed , while to ascend you drew in and let out alternately , and so wriggled up . of course , when you have mastered the action you are able to do these things without thinking of them , and nothing can be more graceful . but you simply must fit , and peter measures you for your tree as carefully as for a suit of clothes the only difference being that the clothes are made to fit you , while you have to be made to fit the tree . usually it is done quite easily , as by your wearing too many garments or too few , but if you are bumpy in awkward places or the only available tree is an odd shape , peter does some things to you , and after that you fit . once you fit , great care must be taken to go on fitting , and this , as wendy was to discover to her delight , keeps a whole family in perfect condition . wendy and michael fitted their trees at the first try , but john had to be altered a little . after a few days practice they could go up and down as gaily as buckets in a well . and how ardently they grew to love their home under the ground especially wendy . it consisted of one large room , as all houses should do , with a floor in which you could dig if you wanted to go fishing , and in this floor grew stout mushrooms of a charming colour , which were used as stools . a never tree tried hard to grow in the centre of the room , but every morning they sawed the trunk through , level with the floor . by tea time it was always about two feet high , and then they put a door on top of it , the whole thus becoming a table as soon as they cleared away , they sawed off the trunk again , and thus there was more room to play . there was an enormous fireplace which was in almost any part of the room where you cared to light it , and across this wendy stretched strings , made of fibre , from which she suspended her washing . the bed was tilted against the wall by day , and let down at when it filled nearly half the room and all the boys slept in it , except michael , lying like sardines in a tin . there was a strict rule against turning round until one gave the signal , when all turned at once . michael should have used it also , but wendy would have a baby , and he was the littlest , and you know what women are , and the short and long of it is that he was hung up in a basket . it was rough and simple , and not unlike what baby bears would have made of an underground house in the same circumstances . but there was one recess in the wall , no larger than a bird cage, , which was the private apartment of tinker bell . it could be shut off from the rest of the house by a tiny curtain , which tink , who was most fastidious always kept drawn when dressing or undressing . no woman , however large , could have had a more exquisite boudoir and bed chamber combined . the couch , as she always called it , was a genuine queen mab , with club legs and she varied the bedspreads according to what fruit blossom was in season . her mirror was a puss in , of which there are now only three , unchipped , known to fairy dealers the washstand was pie crust and reversible , the chest of drawers an authentic charming the sixth , and the carpet and rugs the best period of margery and robin . there was a chandelier from tiddlywinks for the look of the thing , but of course she lit the residence herself . tink was very contemptuous of the rest of the house , as indeed was perhaps inevitable , and her chamber , though beautiful , looked rather conceited , having the appearance of a nose permanently turned up . i suppose it was all especially entrancing to wendy , because those rampagious boys of hers gave her so much to do . really there were whole weeks when , except perhaps with a stocking in the evening , she was never above ground . the cooking , i can tell you , kept her nose to the pot , and even if there was nothing in it , even if there was no pot , she had to keep watching that it came aboil just the same . you never exactly knew whether there would be a real meal or just a make believe, , it all depended upon peters whim he could eat , really eat , if it was part of a game , but he could not stodge just to feel stodgy which is what most children like better than anything else the next best thing being to talk about it . make believe was so real to him that during a meal of it you could see him getting rounder . of course it was trying , but you simply had to follow his lead , and if you could prove to him that you were getting loose for your tree he let you stodge . wendys favourite time for sewing and darning was after they had all gone to bed . then , as she expressed it , she had a breathing time for herself and she occupied it in making new things for them , and putting double pieces on the knees , for they were all most frightfully hard on their knees . when she sat down to a basketful of their stockings , every heel with a hole in it , she would fling up her arms and exclaim , oh dear , i am sure i sometimes think spinsters are to be envied . her face beamed when she exclaimed this . you remember about her pet wolf . well , it very soon discovered that she had come to the island and it found her out , and they just ran into each others arms . after that it followed her about everywhere . as time wore on did she think much about the beloved parents she had left behind her . this is a difficult question , because it is quite impossible to say how time does wear on in the neverland , where it is calculated by moons and suns , and there are ever so many more of them than on the mainland . but i am afraid that wendy did not really worry about her father and mother she was absolutely confident that they would always keep the window open for her to fly back by , and this gave her complete ease of mind . what did disturb her at times was that john remembered his parents vaguely only , as people he had once known , while michael was quite willing to believe that she was really his mother . these things scared her a little , and nobly anxious to do her duty , she tried to fix the old life in their minds by setting them examination papers on it , as like as possible to the ones she used to do at school . the other boys thought this awfully interesting , and insisted on joining , and they made slates for themselves , and sat round the table , writing and thinking hard about the questions she had written on another slate and passed round . they were the most ordinary questions  was the colour of mothers eyes . which was taller , father or mother . was mother blonde or brunette . answer all three questions if possible . write an essay of not less than words on how i spent my last holidays , or the characters of father and mother compared . only one of these to be attempted . or describe mothers laugh describe fathers laugh describe mothers party dress describe the kennel and its inmate . they were just everyday questions like these , and when you could not answer them you were told to make a cross and it was really dreadful what a number of crosses even john made . of course the only boy who replied to every question was slightly , and no one could have been more hopeful of coming out first , but his answers were perfectly ridiculous , and he really came out last a melancholy thing . peter did not compete . for one thing he despised all mothers except wendy , and for another he was the only boy on the island who could neither write nor spell not the smallest word . he was above all that sort of thing . by the way , the questions were all written in the past tense . what was the colour of mothers eyes , and so on . wendy , you see , had been forgetting , too . adventures , of course , as we shall see , were of daily occurrence but about this time peter invented , with wendys help , a new game that fascinated him enormously , until he suddenly had no more interest in it , which , as you have been told , was what always happened with his games . it consisted in pretending not to have adventures , in doing the sort of thing john and michael had been doing all their lives , sitting on stools flinging balls in the air , pushing each other , going out for walks and coming back without having killed so much as a grizzly . to see peter doing nothing on a stool was a great sight he could not help looking solemn at such times , to sit still seemed to him such a comic thing to do . he boasted that he had gone walking for the good of his health . for several suns these were the most novel of all adventures to him and john and michael had to pretend to be delighted also otherwise he would have treated them severely . he often went out alone , and when he came back you were never absolutely certain whether he had an adventure or not . he might have forgotten it so completely that he said nothing about it and then when you went out you found the body and , on the other hand , he might say a great deal about it , and yet you could not find the body . sometimes he came home with his head bandaged , and then wendy cooed over him and bathed it in lukewarm water , while he told a dazzling tale . but she was never quite sure , you know . there were , however , many adventures which she knew to be true because she was in them herself , and there were still more that were at least partly true , for the other boys were in them and said they were wholly true . to describe them all would require a book as large as an english latin, , latin english dictionary , and the most we can do is to give one as a specimen of an average hour on the island . the difficulty is which one to choose . should we take the brush with the redskins at slightly gulch . it was a sanguinary affair , and especially interesting as showing one of peters peculiarities , which was that in the middle of a fight he would suddenly change sides . at the gulch , when victory was still in the balance , sometimes leaning this way and sometimes that , he called out , im redskin to day what are you , tootles . and tootles answered , redskin what are you , nibs . and nibs said , redskin what are you twin . and so on and they were all redskins and of course this would have ended the fight had not the real redskins fascinated by peters methods , agreed to be lost boys for that once , and so at it they all went again , more fiercely than ever . the extraordinary upshot of this adventure was  we have not decided yet that this is the adventure we are to narrate . perhaps a better one would be the night attack by the redskins on the house under the ground , when several of them stuck in the hollow trees and had to be pulled out like corks . or we might tell how peter saved tiger lilys life in the mermaids lagoon , and so made her his ally . or we could tell of that cake the pirates cooked so that the boys might eat it and perish and how they placed it in one cunning spot after another but always wendy snatched it from the hands of her children , so that in time it lost its succulence , and became as hard as a stone , and was used as a missile , and hook fell over it in the dark . or suppose we tell of the birds that were peters friends , particularly of the never bird that built in a tree overhanging the lagoon , and how the nest fell into the water , and still the bird sat on her eggs , and peter gave orders that she was not to be disturbed . that is a pretty story , and the end shows how grateful a bird can be but if we tell it we must also tell the whole adventure of the lagoon , which would of course be telling two adventures rather than just one . a shorter adventure , and quite as exciting , was tinker bells attempt , with the help of some street fairies , to have the sleeping wendy conveyed on a great floating leaf to the mainland . fortunately the leaf gave way and wendy woke , thinking it was bath time, , and swam back . or again , we might choose peters defiance of the lions , when he drew a circle round him on the ground with an arrow and dared them to cross it and though he waited for hours , with the other boys and wendy looking on breathlessly from trees , not one of them dared to accept his challenge . which of these adventures shall we choose . the best way will be to toss for it . i have tossed , and the lagoon has won . this almost makes one wish that the gulch or the cake or tinks leaf had won . of course i could do it again , and make it best out of three however , perhaps fairest to stick to the lagoon . chapter the mermaids lagoon if you shut your eyes and are a lucky one , you may see at times a shapeless pool of lovely pale colours suspended in the darkness then if you squeeze your eyes tighter , the pool begins to take shape , and the colours become so vivid that with another squeeze they must go on fire . but just before they go on fire you see the lagoon . this is the nearest you ever get to it on the mainland , just one heavenly moment if there could be two moments you might see the surf and hear the mermaids singing . the children often spent long summer days on this lagoon , swimming or floating most of the time , playing the mermaid games in the water , and so forth . you must not think from this that the mermaids were on friendly terms with them on the contrary , it was among wendys lasting regrets that all the time she was on the island she never had a civil word from one of them . when she stole softly to the edge of the lagoon she might see them by the score , especially on marooners rock , where they loved to bask , combing out their hair in a lazy way that quite irritated her or she might even swim , on tiptoe as it were , to within a yard of them , but then they saw her and dived , probably splashing her with their tails , not by accident , but intentionally . they treated all the boys in the same way , except of course peter , who chatted with them on marooners rock by the hour , and sat on their tails when they got cheeky . he gave wendy one of their combs . the most haunting time at which to see them is at the turn of the moon , when they utter strange wailing cries but the lagoon is dangerous for mortals then , and until the evening of which we have now to tell , wendy had never seen the lagoon by moonlight , less from fear , for of course peter would have accompanied her , than because she had strict rules about every one being in bed by seven . she was often at the lagoon , however , on sunny days after rain , when the mermaids come up in extraordinary numbers to play with their bubbles . the bubbles of many colours made in rainbow water they treat as balls , hitting them gaily from one to another with their tails , and trying to keep them in the rainbow till they burst . the goals are at each end of the rainbow , and the keepers only are allowed to use their hands . sometimes a dozen of these games will be going on in the lagoon at a time , and it is quite a pretty sight . but the moment the children tried to join in they had to play by themselves , for the mermaids immediately disappeared . nevertheless we have proof that they secretly watched the interlopers , and were not above taking an idea from them for john introduced a new way of hitting the bubble , with the head instead of the hand , and the mermaids adopted it . this is the one mark that john has left on the neverland . it must also have been rather pretty to see the children resting on a rock for half an hour after their mid day meal . wendy insisted on their doing this , and it had to be a real rest even though the meal was make believe . so they lay there in the sun , and their bodies glistened in it , while she sat beside them and looked important . it was one such day , and they were all on marooners rock . the rock was not much larger than their great bed , but of course they all knew how not to take up much room , and they were dozing , or at least lying with their eyes shut , and pinching occasionally when they thought wendy was not looking . she was very busy , stitching . while she stitched a change came to the lagoon . little shivers ran over it , and the sun went away and shadows stole across the water , turning it cold . wendy could no longer see to thread her needle , and when she looked up , the lagoon that had always hitherto been such a laughing place seemed formidable and unfriendly . it was not , she knew , that night had come , but something as dark as night had come . no , worse than that . it had not come , but it had sent that shiver through the sea to say that it was coming . what was it . there crowded upon her all the stories she had been told of marooners rock , so called because evil captains put sailors on it and leave them there to drown . they drown when the tide rises , for then it is submerged . of course she should have roused the children at once not merely because of the unknown that was stalking toward them , but because it was no longer good for them to sleep on a rock grown chilly . but she was a young mother and she did not know this she thought you simply must stick to your rule about half an hour after the mid day meal . so , though fear was upon her , and she longed to hear male voices , she would not waken them . even when she heard the sound of muffled oars , though her heart was in her mouth , she did not waken them . she stood over them to let them have their sleep out . was it not brave of wendy . it was well for those boys then that there was one among them who could sniff danger even in his sleep . peter sprang erect , as wide awake at once as a dog , and with one warning cry he roused the others . he stood motionless , one hand to his ear . pirates . he cried . the others came closer to him . a strange smile was playing about his face , and wendy saw it and shuddered . while that smile was on his face no one dared address him all they could do was to stand ready to obey . the order came sharp and incisive . dive . there was a gleam of legs , and instantly the lagoon seemed deserted . marooners rock stood alone in the forbidding waters as if it were itself marooned . the boat drew nearer . it was the pirate dinghy , with three figures in her , smee and starkey , and the third a captive , no other than tiger lily . her hands and ankles were tied , and she knew what was to be her fate . she was to be left on the rock to perish , an end to one of her race more terrible than death by fire or torture , for is it not written in the book of the tribe that there is no path through water to the happy hunting ground . yet her face was impassive she was the daughter of a chief , she must die as a chiefs daughter , it is enough . they had caught her boarding the pirate ship with a knife in her mouth . no watch was kept on the ship , it being hooks boast that the wind of his name guarded the ship for a mile around . now her fate would help to guard it also . one more wail would go the round in that wind by night . in the gloom that they brought with them the two pirates did not see the rock till they crashed into it . luff , you lubber , cried an irish voice that was smees heres the rock . now , then , what we have to do is to hoist the redskin on to it and leave her here to drown . it was the work of one brutal moment to land the beautiful girl on the rock she was too proud to offer a vain resistance . quite near the rock , but out of sight , two heads were bobbing up and down , peters and wendys . wendy was crying , for it was the first tragedy she had seen . peter had seen many tragedies , but he had forgotten them all . he was less sorry than wendy for tiger lily it was two against one that angered him , and he meant to save her . an easy way would have been to wait until the pirates had gone , but he was never one to choose the easy way . there was almost nothing he could not do , and he now imitated the voice of hook . ahoy there , you lubbers . he called . it was a marvellous imitation . the captain . said the pirates , staring at each other in surprise . he must be swimming out to us , starkey said , when they had looked for him in vain . we are putting the redskin on the rock , smee called out . set her free , came the astonishing answer . free . yes , cut her bonds and let her go . but , captain  at once , dye hear , cried peter , or ill plunge my hook in you . this is queer . smee gasped . better do what the captain orders , said starkey nervously . ay , smee said , and he cut tiger lilys cords . at once like an eel she slid between starkeys legs into the water . of course wendy was very elated over peters cleverness but she knew that he would be elated also and very likely crow and thus betray himself , so at once her hand went out to cover his mouth . but it was stayed even in the act , for boat ahoy . rang over the lagoon in hooks voice , and this time it was not peter who had spoken . peter may have been about to crow , but his face puckered in a whistle of surprise instead . boat ahoy . again came the voice . now wendy understood . the real hook was also in the water . he was swimming to the boat , and as his men showed a light to guide him he had soon reached them . in the light of the lantern wendy saw his hook grip the boats side she saw his evil swarthy face as he rose dripping from the water , and , quaking , she would have liked to swim away , but peter would not budge . he was tingling with life and also top heavy with conceit . am i not a wonder , oh , i am a wonder . he whispered to her , and though she thought so also , she was really glad for the sake of his reputation that no one heard him except herself . he signed to her to listen . the two pirates were very curious to know what had brought their captain to them , but he sat with his head on his hook in a position of profound melancholy . captain , is all well . they asked timidly , but he answered with a hollow moan . he sighs , said smee . he sighs again , said starkey . and yet a third time he sighs , said smee . then at last he spoke passionately . the games up , he cried , those boys have found a mother . affrighted though she was , wendy swelled with pride . o evil day . cried starkey . whats a mother . asked the ignorant smee . wendy was so shocked that she exclaimed . he doesnt know . and always after this she felt that if you could have a pet pirate smee would be her one . peter pulled her beneath the water , for hook had started up , crying , what was that . i heard nothing , said starkey , raising the lantern over the waters , and as the pirates looked they saw a strange sight . it was the nest i have told you of , floating on the lagoon , and the never bird was sitting on it . see , said hook in answer to smees question , that is a mother . what a lesson . the nest must have fallen into the water , but would the mother desert her eggs . no . there was a break in his voice , as if for a moment he recalled innocent days when  he brushed away this weakness with his hook . smee , much impressed , gazed at the bird as the nest was borne past , but the more suspicious starkey said , if she is a mother , perhaps she is hanging about here to help peter . hook winced . ay , he said , that is the fear that haunts me . he was roused from this dejection by smees eager voice . captain , said smee , could we not kidnap these boys mother and make her our mother . it is a princely scheme , cried hook , and at once it took practical shape in his great brain . we will seize the children and carry them to the boat the boys we will make walk the plank , and wendy shall be our mother . again wendy forgot herself . never . she cried , and bobbed . what was that . but they could see nothing . they thought it must have been a leaf in the wind . do you agree , my bullies . asked hook . there is my hand on it , they both said . and there is my hook . swear . they all swore . by this time they were on the rock , and suddenly hook remembered tiger lily . where is the redskin . he demanded abruptly . he had a playful humour at moments , and they thought this was one of the moments . that is all right , captain , smee answered complacently we let her go . let her go . cried hook . twas your own orders , the bosun faltered . you called over the water to us to let her go , said starkey . brimstone and gall , thundered hook , what cozening is going on here . his face had gone black with rage , but he saw that they believed their words , and he was startled . lads , he said , shaking a little , i gave no such order . it is passing queer , smee said , and they all fidgeted uncomfortably . hook raised his voice , but there was a quiver in it . spirit that haunts this dark lagoon to night, , he cried , dost hear me . of course peter should have kept quiet , but of course he did not . he immediately answered in hooks voice odds , bobs , hammer and tongs , i hear you . in that supreme moment hook did not blanch , even at the gills , but smee and starkey clung to each other in terror . who are you , stranger . speak . hook demanded . i am james hook , replied the voice , captain of the jolly roger . you are not you are not , hook cried hoarsely . brimstone and gall , the voice retorted , say that again , and ill cast anchor in you . hook tried a more ingratiating manner . if you are hook , he said almost humbly , come tell me , who am i . a codfish , replied the voice , only a codfish . a codfish . hook echoed blankly , and it was then , but not till then , that his proud spirit broke . he saw his men draw back from him . have we been captained all this time by a codfish . they muttered . it is lowering to our pride . they were his dogs snapping at him , but , tragic figure though he had become , he scarcely heeded them . against such fearful evidence it was not their belief in him that he needed , it was his own . he felt his ego slipping from him . dont desert me , bully , he whispered hoarsely to it . in his dark nature there was a touch of the feminine , as in all the great pirates , and it sometimes gave him intuitions . suddenly he tried the guessing game . hook , he called , have you another voice . now peter could never resist a game , and he answered blithely in his own voice , i have . and another name . ay , . vegetable . asked hook . no . mineral . no . animal . yes . man . no . this answer rang out scornfully . boy . yes . ordinary boy . no . wonderful boy . to wendys pain the answer that rang out this time was yes . are you in england . no . are you here . yes . hook was completely puzzled . you ask him some questions , he said to the others , wiping his damp brow . smee reflected . i cant think of a thing , he said regretfully . cant guess , cant guess . crowed peter . do you give it up . of course in his pride he was carrying the game too far , and the miscreants saw their chance . yes , they answered eagerly . well , then , he cried , i am peter pan . pan . in a moment hook was himself again , and smee and starkey were his faithful henchmen . now we have him , hook shouted . into the water , smee . starkey , mind the boat . take him dead or alive . he leaped as he spoke , and simultaneously came the gay voice of peter . are you ready , boys . ay , from various parts of the lagoon . then lam into the pirates . the fight was short and sharp . first to draw blood was john , who gallantly climbed into the boat and held starkey . there was fierce struggle , in which the cutlass was torn from the pirates grasp . he wriggled overboard and john leapt after him . the dinghy drifted away . here and there a head bobbed up in the water , and there was a flash of steel followed by a cry or a whoop . in the confusion some struck at their own side . the corkscrew of smee got tootles in the fourth rib , but he was himself pinked in turn by curly . farther from the rock starkey was pressing slightly and the twins hard . where all this time was peter . he was seeking bigger game . the others were all brave boys , and they must not be blamed for backing from the pirate captain . his iron claw made a circle of dead water round him , from which they fled like affrighted fishes . but there was one who did not fear him there was one prepared to enter that circle . strangely , it was not in the water that they met . hook rose to the rock to breathe , and at the same moment peter scaled it on the opposite side . the rock was slippery as a ball , and they had to crawl rather than climb . neither knew that the other was coming . each feeling for a grip met the others arm in surprise they raised their heads their faces were almost touching so they met . some of the greatest heroes have confessed that just before they fell to they had a sinking . had it been so with peter at that moment i would admit it . after all , he was the only man that the sea cook had feared . but peter had no sinking , he had one feeling only , gladness and he gnashed his pretty teeth with joy . quick as thought he snatched a knife from hooks belt and was about to drive it home , when he saw that he was higher up the rock than his foe . it would not have been fighting fair . he gave the pirate a hand to help him up . it was then that hook bit him . not the pain of this but its unfairness was what dazed peter . it made him quite helpless . he could only stare , horrified . every child is affected thus the first time he is treated unfairly . all he thinks he has a right to when he comes to you to be yours is fairness . after you have been unfair to him he will love you again , but will never afterwards be quite the same boy . no one ever gets over the first unfairness no one except peter . he often met it , but he always forgot it . i suppose that was the real difference between him and all the rest . so when he met it now it was like the first time and he could just stare , helpless . twice the iron hand clawed him . a few moments afterwards the other boys saw hook in the water striking wildly for the ship no elation on the pestilent face now , only white fear , for the crocodile was in dogged pursuit of him . on ordinary occasions the boys would have swum alongside cheering but now they were uneasy , for they had lost both peter and wendy , and were scouring the lagoon for them , calling them by name . they found the dinghy and went home in it , shouting peter , wendy as they went , but no answer came save mocking laughter from the mermaids . they must be swimming back or flying , the boys concluded . they were not very anxious , because they had such faith in peter . they chuckled , boylike , because they would be late for bed and it was all mother wendys fault . when their voices died away there came cold silence over the lagoon , and then a feeble cry . help , . two small figures were beating against the rock the girl had fainted and lay on the boys arm . with a last effort peter pulled her up the rock and then lay down beside her . even as he also fainted he saw that the water was rising . he knew that they would soon be drowned , but he could do no more . as they lay side by side a mermaid caught wendy by the feet , and began pulling her softly into the water . peter , feeling her slip from him , woke with a start , and was just in time to draw her back . but he had to tell her the truth . we are on the rock , wendy , he said , but it is growing smaller . soon the water will be over it . she did not understand even now . we must go , she said , almost brightly . yes , he answered faintly . shall we swim or fly , peter . he had to tell her . do you think you could swim or fly as far as the island , wendy , without my help . she had to admit that she was too tired . he moaned . what is it . she asked , anxious about him at once . i cant help you , wendy . hook wounded me . i can neither fly nor swim . do you mean we shall both be drowned . look how the water is rising . they put their hands over their eyes to shut out the sight . they thought they would soon be no more . as they sat thus something brushed against peter as light as a kiss , and stayed there , as if saying timidly , can i be of any use . it was the tail of a kite , which michael had made some days before . it had torn itself out of his hand and floated away . michaels kite , peter said without interest , but next moment he had seized the tail , and was pulling the kite toward him . it lifted michael off the ground , he cried why should it not carry you . both of us . it cant lift two michael and curly tried . let us draw lots , wendy said bravely . and you a lady never . already he had tied the tail round her . she clung to him she refused to go without him but with a good bye, , wendy , he pushed her from the rock and in a few minutes she was borne out of his sight . peter was alone on the lagoon . the rock was very small now soon it would be submerged . pale rays of light tiptoed across the waters and by and by there was to be heard a sound at once the most musical and the most melancholy in the world the mermaids calling to the moon . peter was not quite like other boys but he was afraid at last . a tremour ran through him , like a shudder passing over the sea but on the sea one shudder follows another till there are hundreds of them , and peter felt just the one . next moment he was standing erect on the rock again , with that smile on his face and a drum beating within him . it was saying , to die will be an awfully big adventure . chapter the never bird the last sound peter heard before he was quite alone were the mermaids retiring one by one to their bedchambers under the sea . he was too far away to hear their doors shut but every door in the coral caves where they live rings a tiny bell when it opens or closes as in all the nicest houses on the mainland , and he heard the bells . steadily the waters rose till they were nibbling at his feet and to pass the time until they made their final gulp , he watched the only thing on the lagoon . he thought it was a piece of floating paper , perhaps part of the kite , and wondered idly how long it would take to drift ashore . presently he noticed as an odd thing that it was undoubtedly out upon the lagoon with some definite purpose , for it was fighting the tide , and sometimes winning and when it won , peter , always sympathetic to the weaker side , could not help clapping it was such a gallant piece of paper . it was not really a piece of paper it was the never bird , making desperate efforts to reach peter on the nest . by working her wings , in a way she had learned since the nest fell into the water , she was able to some extent to guide her strange craft , but by the time peter recognised her she was very exhausted . she had come to save him , to give him her nest , though there were eggs in it . i rather wonder at the bird , for though he had been nice to her , he had also sometimes tormented her . i can suppose only that , like mrs . darling and the rest of them , she was melted because he had all his first teeth . she called out to him what she had come for , and he called out to her what she was doing there but of course neither of them understood the others language . in fanciful stories people can talk to the birds freely , and i wish for the moment i could pretend that this were such a story , and say that peter replied intelligently to the never bird but truth is best , and i want to tell you only what really happened . well , not only could they not understand each other , but they forgot their manners . i  , the bird called , speaking as slowly and distinctly as possible , and  , but  to  . what are you quacking about . peter answered . why dont you let the nest drift as usual . i  the bird said , and repeated it all over . then peter tried slow and distinct . what  . and so on . the never bird became irritated they have very short tempers . you dunderheaded little jay . she screamed , why dont you do as i tell you . peter felt that she was calling him names , and at a venture he retorted hotly so are you . then rather curiously they both snapped out the same remark shut up . shut up . nevertheless the bird was determined to save him if she could , and by one last mighty effort she propelled the nest against the rock . then up she flew deserting her eggs , so as to make her meaning clear . then at last he understood , and clutched the nest and waved his thanks to the bird as she fluttered overhead . it was not to receive his thanks , however , that she hung there in the sky it was not even to watch him get into the nest it was to see what he did with her eggs . there were two large white eggs , and peter lifted them up and reflected . the bird covered her face with her wings , so as not to see the last of them but she could not help peeping between the feathers . i forget whether i have told you that there was a stave on the rock , driven into it by some buccaneers of long ago to mark the site of buried treasure . the children had discovered the glittering hoard , and when in a mischievous mood used to fling showers of moidores , diamonds , pearls and pieces of eight to the gulls , who pounced upon them for food , and then flew away , raging at the scurvy trick that had been played upon them . the stave was still there , and on it starkey had hung his hat , a deep tarpaulin , watertight , with a broad brim . peter put the eggs into this hat and set it on the lagoon . it floated beautifully . the never bird saw at once what he was up to , and screamed her admiration of him and , alas , peter crowed his agreement with her . then he got into the nest , reared the stave in it as a mast , and hung up his shirt for a sail . at the same moment the bird fluttered down upon the hat and once more sat snugly on her eggs . she drifted in one direction , and he was borne off in another , both cheering . of course when peter landed he beached his barque small ship , actually the never birds nest in this particular case in point in a place where the bird would easily find it but the hat was such a great success that she abandoned the nest . it drifted about till it went to pieces , and often starkey came to the shore of the lagoon , and with many bitter feelings watched the bird sitting on his hat . as we shall not see her again , it may be worth mentioning here that all never birds now build in that shape of nest , with a broad brim on which the youngsters take an airing . great were the rejoicings when peter reached the home under the ground almost as soon as wendy , who had been carried hither and thither by the kite . every boy had adventures to tell but perhaps the biggest adventure of all was that they were several hours late for bed . this so inflated them that they did various dodgy things to get staying up still longer , such as demanding bandages but wendy , though glorying in having them all home again safe and sound , was scandalised by the lateness of the hour , and cried , to bed , to bed , in a voice that had to be obeyed . next day , however , she was awfully tender , and gave out bandages to every one , and they played till bed time at limping about and carrying their arms in slings . chapter the happy home one important result of the brush on the lagoon was that it made the redskins their friends . peter had saved tiger lily from a dreadful fate , and now there was nothing she and her braves would not do for him . all night they sat above , keeping watch over the home under the ground and awaiting the big attack by the pirates which obviously could not be much longer delayed . even by day they hung about , smoking the pipe of peace , and looking almost as if they wanted tit bits to eat . they called peter the great white father , prostrating themselves lying down before him and he liked this tremendously , so that it was not really good for him . the great white father , he would say to them in a very lordly manner , as they grovelled at his feet , is glad to see the piccaninny warriors protecting his wigwam from the pirates . me tiger lily , that lovely creature would reply . peter pan save me , his velly nice friend . me no let pirates hurt him . she was far too pretty to cringe in this way , but peter thought it his due , and he would answer condescendingly , it is good . peter pan has spoken . always when he said , peter pan has spoken , it meant that they must now shut up , and they accepted it humbly in that spirit but they were by no means so respectful to the other boys , whom they looked upon as just ordinary braves . they said how do . to them , and things like that and what annoyed the boys was that peter seemed to think this all right . secretly wendy sympathised with them a little , but she was far too loyal a housewife to listen to any complaints against father . father knows best , she always said , whatever her private opinion must be . her private opinion was that the redskins should not call her a squaw . we have now reached the evening that was to be known among them as the night of nights , because of its adventures and their upshot . the day , as if quietly gathering its forces , had been almost uneventful , and now the redskins in their blankets were at their posts above , while , below , the children were having their evening meal all except peter , who had gone out to get the time . the way you got the time on the island was to find the crocodile , and then stay near him till the clock struck . the meal happened to be a make believe tea , and they sat around the board , guzzling in their greed and really , what with their chatter and recriminations , the noise , as wendy said , was positively deafening . to be sure , she did not mind noise , but she simply would not have them grabbing things , and then excusing themselves by saying that tootles had pushed their elbow . there was a fixed rule that they must never hit back at meals , but should refer the matter of dispute to wendy by raising the right arm politely and saying , i complain of so and but what usually happened was that they forgot to do this or did it too much . silence , cried wendy when for the twentieth time she had told them that they were not all to speak at once . is your mug empty , slightly darling . not quite empty , mummy , slightly said , after looking into an imaginary mug . he hasnt even begun to drink his milk , nibs interposed . this was telling , and slightly seized his chance . i complain of nibs , he cried promptly . john , however , had held up his hand first . well , john . may i sit in peters chair , as he is not here . sit in fathers chair , john . wendy was scandalised . certainly not . he is not really our father , john answered . he didnt even know how a father does till i showed him . this was grumbling . we complain of john , cried the twins . tootles held up his hand . he was so much the humblest of them , indeed he was the only humble one , that wendy was specially gentle with him . i dont suppose , tootles said diffidently that i could be father . no , tootles . once tootles began , which was not very often , he had a silly way of going on . as i cant be father , he said heavily , i dont suppose , michael , you would let me be baby . no , i wont , michael rapped out . he was already in his basket . as i cant be baby , tootles said , getting heavier and heavier and heavier , do you think i could be a twin . no , indeed , replied the twins its awfully difficult to be a twin . as i cant be anything important , said tootles , would any of you like to see me do a trick . no , they all replied . then at last he stopped . i hadnt really any hope , he said . the hateful telling broke out again . slightly is coughing on the table . the twins began with cheese cakes . curly is taking both butter and honey . nibs is speaking with his mouth full . i complain of the twins . i complain of curly . i complain of nibs . oh dear , oh dear , cried wendy , im sure i sometimes think that spinsters are to be envied . she told them to clear away , and sat down to her work basket, , a heavy load of stockings and every knee with a hole in it as usual . wendy , remonstrated michael , im too big for a cradle . i must have somebody in a cradle , she said almost tartly , and you are the littlest . a cradle is such a nice homely thing to have about a house . while she sewed they played around her such a group of happy faces and dancing limbs lit up by that romantic fire . it had become a very familiar scene , this , in the home under the ground , but we are looking on it for the last time . there was a step above , and wendy , you may be sure , was the first to recognize it . children , i hear your fathers step . he likes you to meet him at the door . above , the redskins crouched before peter . watch well , braves . i have spoken . and then , as so often before , the gay children dragged him from his tree . as so often before , but never again . he had brought nuts for the boys as well as the correct time for wendy . peter , you just spoil them , you know , wendy simpered exaggerated a smile . ah , old lady , said peter , hanging up his gun . it was me told him mothers are called old lady , michael whispered to curly . i complain of michael , said curly instantly . the first twin came to peter . father , we want to dance . dance away , my little man , said peter , who was in high good humour . but we want you to dance . peter was really the best dancer among them , but he pretended to be scandalised . me . my old bones would rattle . and mummy too . what , cried wendy , the mother of such an armful , dance . but on a saturday night , slightly insinuated . it was not really saturday night , at least it may have been , for they had long lost count of the days but always if they wanted to do anything special they said this was saturday night , and then they did it . of course it is saturday night , peter , wendy said , relenting . people of our figure , wendy . but it is only among our own progeny . true , . so they were told they could dance , but they must put on their nighties first . ah , old lady , peter said aside to wendy , warming himself by the fire and looking down at her as she sat turning a heel , there is nothing more pleasant of an evening for you and me when the days toil is over than to rest by the fire with the little ones near by . it is sweet , peter , isnt it . wendy said , frightfully gratified . peter , i think curly has your nose . michael takes after you . she went to him and put her hand on his shoulder . dear peter , she said , with such a large family , of course , i have now passed my best , but you dont want to change me , do you . no , wendy . certainly he did not want a change , but he looked at her uncomfortably , blinking , you know , like one not sure whether he was awake or asleep . peter , what is it . i was just thinking , he said , a little scared . it is only make believe, , isnt it , that i am their father . oh yes , wendy said primly . you see , he continued apologetically , it would make me seem so old to be their real father . but they are ours , peter , yours and mine . but not really , wendy . he asked anxiously . not if you dont wish it , she replied and she distinctly heard his sigh of relief . peter , she asked , trying to speak firmly , what are your exact feelings to me . those of a devoted son , wendy . i thought so , she said , and went and sat by herself at the extreme end of the room . you are so queer , he said , frankly puzzled , and tiger lily is just the same . there is something she wants to be to me , but she says it is not my mother . no , indeed , it is not , wendy replied with frightful emphasis . now we know why she was prejudiced against the redskins . then what is it . it isnt for a lady to tell . oh , very well , peter said , a little nettled . perhaps tinker bell will tell me . oh yes , tinker bell will tell you , wendy retorted scornfully . she is an abandoned little creature . here tink , who was in her bedroom , eavesdropping , squeaked out something impudent . she says she glories in being abandoned , peter interpreted . he had a sudden idea . perhaps tink wants to be my mother . you silly ass . cried tinker bell in a passion . she had said it so often that wendy needed no translation . i almost agree with her , wendy snapped . fancy wendy snapping . but she had been much tried , and she little knew what was to happen before the night was out . if she had known she would not have snapped . none of them knew . perhaps it was best not to know . their ignorance gave them one more glad hour and as it was to be their last hour on the island , let us rejoice that there were sixty glad minutes in it . they sang and danced in their night gowns . such a deliciously creepy song it was , in which they pretended to be frightened at their own shadows , little witting that so soon shadows would close in upon them , from whom they would shrink in real fear . so uproariously gay was the dance , and how they buffeted each other on the bed and out of it . it was a pillow fight rather than a dance , and when it was finished , the pillows insisted on one bout more , like partners who know that they may never meet again . the stories they told , before it was time for wendys good night story . even slightly tried to tell a story that night , but the beginning was so fearfully dull that it appalled not only the others but himself , and he said gloomily yes , it is a dull beginning . i say , let us pretend that it is the end . and then at last they all got into bed for wendys story , the story they loved best , the story peter hated . usually when she began to tell this story he left the room or put his hands over his ears and possibly if he had done either of those things this time they might all still be on the island . but to night he remained on his stool and we shall see what happened . chapter wendys story listen , then , said wendy , settling down to her story , with michael at her feet and seven boys in the bed . there was once a gentleman  i had rather he had been a lady , curly said . i wish he had been a white rat , said nibs . quiet , their mother admonished them . there was a lady also , and  oh , mummy , cried the first twin , you mean that there is a lady also , dont you . she is not dead , is she . oh , no . i am awfully glad she isnt dead , said tootles . are you glad , john . of course i am . are you glad , nibs . rather . are you glad , twins . we are glad . oh dear , sighed wendy . little less noise there , peter called out , determined that she should have fair play , however beastly a story it might be in his opinion . the gentlemans name , wendy continued , was mr . darling , and her name was mrs . darling . i knew them , john said , to annoy the others . i think i knew them , said michael rather doubtfully . they were married , you know , explained wendy , and what do you think they had . white rats , cried nibs , inspired . no . its awfully puzzling , said tootles , who knew the story by heart . quiet , tootles . they had three descendants . what is descendants . well , you are one , twin . did you hear that , john . i am a descendant . descendants are only children , said john . oh dear , oh dear , sighed wendy . now these three children had a faithful nurse called nana but mr . darling was angry with her and chained her up in the yard , and so all the children flew away . its an awfully good story , said nibs . they flew away , wendy continued , to the neverland , where the lost children are . i just thought they did , curly broke in excitedly . i dont know how it is , but i just thought they did . o wendy , cried tootles , was one of the lost children called tootles . yes , he was . i am in a story . hurrah , i am in a story , nibs . hush . now i want you to consider the feelings of the unhappy parents with all their children flown away . oo . they all moaned , though they were not really considering the feelings of the unhappy parents one jot . think of the empty beds . oo . its awfully sad , the first twin said cheerfully . i dont see how it can have a happy ending , said the second twin . do you , nibs . im frightfully anxious . if you knew how great is a mothers love , wendy told them triumphantly , you would have no fear . she had now come to the part that peter hated . i do like a mothers love , said tootles , hitting nibs with a pillow . do you like a mothers love , nibs . i do just , said nibs , hitting back . you see , wendy said complacently , our heroine knew that the mother would always leave the window open for her children to fly back by so they stayed away for years and had a lovely time . did they ever go back . let us now , said wendy , bracing herself up for her finest effort , take a peep into the future and they all gave themselves the twist that makes peeps into the future easier . years have rolled by , and who is this elegant lady of uncertain age alighting at london station . o wendy , who is she . cried nibs , every bit as excited as if he didnt know . can it be  is  fair wendy . oh . and who are the two noble portly figures accompanying her , now grown to mans estate . can they be john and michael . they are . oh . see , dear brothers , says wendy pointing upwards , there is the window still standing open . ah , now we are rewarded for our sublime faith in a mothers love . so up they flew to their mummy and daddy , and pen cannot describe the happy scene , over which we draw a veil . that was the story , and they were as pleased with it as the fair narrator herself . everything just as it should be , you see . off we skip like the most heartless things in the world , which is what children are , but so attractive and we have an entirely selfish time , and then when we have need of special attention we nobly return for it , confident that we shall be rewarded instead of smacked . so great indeed was their faith in a mothers love that they felt they could afford to be callous for a bit longer . but there was one there who knew better , and when wendy finished he uttered a hollow groan . what is it , peter . she cried , running to him , thinking he was ill . she felt him solicitously , lower down than his chest . where is it , peter . it isnt that kind of pain , peter replied darkly . then what kind is it . wendy , you are wrong about mothers . they all gathered round him in affright , so alarming was his agitation and with a fine candour he told them what he had hitherto concealed . long ago , he said , i thought like you that my mother would always keep the window open for me , so i stayed away for moons and moons and moons , and then flew back but the window was barred , for mother had forgotten all about me , and there was another little boy sleeping in my bed . i am not sure that this was true , but peter thought it was true and it scared them . are you sure mothers are like that . yes . so this was the truth about mothers . the toads . still it is best to be careful and no one knows so quickly as a child when he should give in . wendy , let us go home , cried john and michael together . yes , she said , clutching them . not to night . asked the lost boys bewildered . they knew in what they called their hearts that one can get on quite well without a mother , and that it is only the mothers who think you cant . at once , wendy replied resolutely , for the horrible thought had come to her perhaps mother is in half mourning by this time . this dread made her forgetful of what must be peters feelings , and she said to him rather sharply , peter , will you make the necessary arrangements . if you wish it , he replied , as coolly as if she had asked him to pass the nuts . not so much as a sorry to between them . if she did not mind the parting , he was going to show her , was peter , that neither did he . but of course he cared very much and he was so full of wrath against grown ups, , who , as usual , were spoiling everything , that as soon as he got inside his tree he breathed intentionally quick short breaths at the rate of about five to a second . he did this because there is a saying in the neverland that , every time you breathe , a grown up dies and peter was killing them off vindictively as fast as possible . then having given the necessary instructions to the redskins he returned to the home , where an unworthy scene had been enacted in his absence . panic stricken at the thought of losing wendy the lost boys had advanced upon her threateningly . it will be worse than before she came , they cried . we shant let her go . lets keep her prisoner . ay , chain her up . in her extremity an instinct told her to which of them to turn . tootles , she cried , i appeal to you . was it not strange . she appealed to tootles , quite the silliest one . grandly , however , did tootles respond . for that one moment he dropped his silliness and spoke with dignity . i am just tootles , he said , and nobody minds me . but the first who does not behave to wendy like an english gentleman i will blood him severely . he drew back his hanger and for that instant his sun was at noon . the others held back uneasily . then peter returned , and they saw at once that they would get no support from him . he would keep no girl in the neverland against her will . wendy , he said , striding up and down , i have asked the redskins to guide you through the wood , as flying tires you so . thank you , peter . then , he continued , in the short sharp voice of one accustomed to be obeyed , tinker bell will take you across the sea . wake her , nibs . nibs had to knock twice before he got an answer , though tink had really been sitting up in bed listening for some time . who are you . how dare you . go away , she cried . you are to get up , tink , nibs called , and take wendy on a journey . of course tink had been delighted to hear that wendy was going but she was jolly well determined not to be her courier , and she said so in still more offensive language . then she pretended to be asleep again . she says she wont . nibs exclaimed , aghast at such insubordination , whereupon peter went sternly toward the young ladys chamber . tink , he rapped out , if you dont get up and dress at once i will open the curtains , and then we shall all see you in your negligee . this made her leap to the floor . who said i wasnt getting up . she cried . in the meantime the boys were gazing very forlornly at wendy , now equipped with john and michael for the journey . by this time they were dejected , not merely because they were about to lose her , but also because they felt that she was going off to something nice to which they had not been invited . novelty was beckoning to them as usual . crediting them with a nobler feeling wendy melted . dear ones , she said , if you will all come with me i feel almost sure i can get my father and mother to adopt you . the invitation was meant specially for peter , but each of the boys was thinking exclusively of himself , and at once they jumped with joy . but wont they think us rather a handful . nibs asked in the middle of his jump . oh no , said wendy , rapidly thinking it out , it will only mean having a few beds in the drawing room they can be hidden behind the screens on first thursdays . peter , can we go . they all cried imploringly . they took it for granted that if they went he would go also , but really they scarcely cared . thus children are ever ready , when novelty knocks , to desert their dearest ones . all right , peter replied with a bitter smile , and immediately they rushed to get their things . and now , peter , wendy said , thinking she had put everything right , i am going to give you your medicine before you go . she loved to give them medicine , and undoubtedly gave them too much . of course it was only water , but it was out of a bottle , and she always shook the bottle and counted the drops , which gave it a certain medicinal quality . on this occasion , however , she did not give peter his draught for just as she had prepared it , she saw a look on his face that made her heart sink . get your things , peter , she cried , shaking . no , he answered , pretending indifference , i am not going with you , wendy . yes , peter . no . to show that her departure would leave him unmoved , he skipped up and down the room , playing gaily on his heartless pipes . she had to run about after him , though it was rather undignified . to find your mother , she coaxed . now , if peter had ever quite had a mother , he no longer missed her . he could do very well without one . he had thought them out , and remembered only their bad points . no , he told wendy decisively perhaps she would say i was old , and i just want always to be a little boy and to have fun . but , peter  no . and so the others had to be told . peter isnt coming . peter not coming . they gazed blankly at him , their sticks over their backs , and on each stick a bundle . their first thought was that if peter was not going he had probably changed his mind about letting them go . but he was far too proud for that . if you find your mothers , he said darkly , i hope you will like them . the awful cynicism of this made an uncomfortable impression , and most of them began to look rather doubtful . after all , their faces said , were they not noodles to want to go . now then , cried peter , no fuss , no blubbering good bye, , wendy and he held out his hand cheerily , quite as if they must really go now , for he had something important to do . she had to take his hand , and there was no indication that he would prefer a thimble . you will remember about changing your flannels , peter . she said , lingering over him . she was always so particular about their flannels . yes . and you will take your medicine . yes . that seemed to be everything , and an awkward pause followed . peter , however , was not the kind that breaks down before other people . are you ready , tinker bell . he called out . ay , . then lead the way . tink darted up the nearest tree but no one followed her , for it was at this moment that the pirates made their dreadful attack upon the redskins . above , where all had been so still , the air was rent with shrieks and the clash of steel . below , there was dead silence . mouths opened and remained open . wendy fell on her knees , but her arms were extended toward peter . all arms were extended to him , as if suddenly blown in his direction they were beseeching him mutely not to desert them . as for peter , he seized his sword , the same he thought he had slain barbecue with , and the lust of battle was in his eye . chapter the children are carried off the pirate attack had been a complete surprise a sure proof that the unscrupulous hook had conducted it improperly , for to surprise redskins fairly is beyond the wit of the white man . by all the unwritten laws of savage warfare it is always the redskin who attacks , and with the wiliness of his race he does it just before the dawn , at which time he knows the courage of the whites to be at its lowest ebb . the white men have in the meantime made a rude stockade on the summit of yonder undulating ground , at the foot of which a stream runs , for it is destruction to be too far from water . there they await the onslaught , the inexperienced ones clutching their revolvers and treading on twigs , but the old hands sleeping tranquilly until just before the dawn . through the long black night the savage scouts wriggle , snake like, , among the grass without stirring a blade . the brushwood closes behind them , as silently as sand into which a mole has dived . not a sound is to be heard , save when they give vent to a wonderful imitation of the lonely call of the coyote . the cry is answered by other braves and some of them do it even better than the coyotes , who are not very good at it . so the chill hours wear on , and the long suspense is horribly trying to the paleface who has to live through it for the first time but to the trained hand those ghastly calls and still ghastlier silences are but an intimation of how the night is marching . that this was the usual procedure was so well known to hook that in disregarding it he cannot be excused on the plea of ignorance . the piccaninnies , on their part , trusted implicitly to his honour , and their whole action of the night stands out in marked contrast to his . they left nothing undone that was consistent with the reputation of their tribe . with that alertness of the senses which is at once the marvel and despair of civilised peoples , they knew that the pirates were on the island from the moment one of them trod on a dry stick and in an incredibly short space of time the coyote cries began . every foot of ground between the spot where hook had landed his forces and the home under the trees was stealthily examined by braves wearing their mocassins with the heels in front . they found only one hillock with a stream at its base , so that hook had no choice here he must establish himself and wait for just before the dawn . everything being thus mapped out with almost diabolical cunning , the main body of the redskins folded their blankets around them , and in the phlegmatic manner that is to them , the pearl of manhood squatted above the childrens home , awaiting the cold moment when they should deal pale death . here dreaming , though wide awake, , of the exquisite tortures to which they were to put him at break of day , those confiding savages were found by the treacherous hook . from the accounts afterwards supplied by such of the scouts as escaped the carnage , he does not seem even to have paused at the rising ground , though it is certain that in that grey light he must have seen it no thought of waiting to be attacked appears from first to last to have visited his subtle mind he would not even hold off till the night was nearly spent on he pounded with no policy but to fall to . what could the bewildered scouts do , masters as they were of every war like artifice save this one , but trot helplessly after him , exposing themselves fatally to view , while they gave pathetic utterance to the coyote cry . around the brave tiger lily were a dozen of her stoutest warriors , and they suddenly saw the perfidious pirates bearing down upon them . fell from their eyes then the film through which they had looked at victory . no more would they torture at the stake . for them the happy hunting grounds was now . they knew it but as their fathers sons they acquitted themselves . even then they had time to gather in a phalanx that would have been hard to break had they risen quickly , but this they were forbidden to do by the traditions of their race . it is written that the noble savage must never express surprise in the presence of the white . thus terrible as the sudden appearance of the pirates must have been to them , they remained stationary for a moment , not a muscle moving as if the foe had come by invitation . then , indeed , the tradition gallantly upheld , they seized their weapons , and the air was torn with the war cry but it was now too late . it is no part of ours to describe what was a massacre rather than a fight . thus perished many of the flower of the piccaninny tribe . not all unavenged did they die , for with lean wolf fell alf mason , to disturb the spanish main no more , and among others who bit the dust were geo . scourie , chas . turley , and the alsatian foggerty . turley fell to the tomahawk of the terrible panther , who ultimately cut a way through the pirates with tiger lily and a small remnant of the tribe . to what extent hook is to blame for his tactics on this occasion is for the historian to decide . had he waited on the rising ground till the proper hour he and his men would probably have been butchered and in judging him it is only fair to take this into account . what he should perhaps have done was to acquaint his opponents that he proposed to follow a new method . on the other hand , this , as destroying the element of surprise , would have made his strategy of no avail , so that the whole question is beset with difficulties . one cannot at least withhold a reluctant admiration for the wit that had conceived so bold a scheme , and the fell genius with which it was carried out . what were his own feelings about himself at that triumphant moment . fain would his dogs have known , as breathing heavily and wiping their cutlasses , they gathered at a discreet distance from his hook , and squinted through their ferret eyes at this extraordinary man . elation must have been in his heart , but his face did not reflect it ever a dark and solitary enigma , he stood aloof from his followers in spirit as in substance . the nights work was not yet over , for it was not the redskins he had come out to destroy they were but the bees to be smoked , so that he should get at the honey . it was pan he wanted , pan and wendy and their band , but chiefly pan . peter was such a small boy that one tends to wonder at the mans hatred of him . true he had flung hooks arm to the crocodile , but even this and the increased insecurity of life to which it led , owing to the crocodiles pertinacity hardly account for a vindictiveness so relentless and malignant . the truth is that there was a something about peter which goaded the pirate captain to frenzy . it was not his courage , it was not his engaging appearance , it was not  . there is no beating about the bush , for we know quite well what it was , and have got to tell . it was peters cockiness . this had got on hooks nerves it made his iron claw twitch , and at night it disturbed him like an insect . while peter lived , the tortured man felt that he was a lion in a cage into which a sparrow had come . the question now was how to get down the trees , or how to get his dogs down . he ran his greedy eyes over them , searching for the thinnest ones . they wriggled uncomfortably , for they knew he would not scruple to ram them down with poles . in the meantime , what of the boys . we have seen them at the first clang of the weapons , turned as it were into stone figures , open mouthed, , all appealing with outstretched arms to peter and we return to them as their mouths close , and their arms fall to their sides . the pandemonium above has ceased almost as suddenly as it arose , passed like a fierce gust of wind but they know that in the passing it has determined their fate . which side had won . the pirates , listening avidly at the mouths of the trees , heard the question put by every boy , and alas , they also heard peters answer . if the redskins have won , he said , they will beat the tom tom it is always their sign of victory . now smee had found the tom tom, , and was at that moment sitting on it . you will never hear the tom tom again , he muttered , but inaudibly of course , for strict silence had been enjoined . to his amazement hook signed him to beat the tom tom, , and slowly there came to smee an understanding of the dreadful wickedness of the order . never , probably , had this simple man admired hook so much . twice smee beat upon the instrument , and then stopped to listen gleefully . the tom tom, , the miscreants heard peter cry an indian victory . the doomed children answered with a cheer that was music to the black hearts above , and almost immediately they repeated their good byes to peter . this puzzled the pirates , but all their other feelings were swallowed by a base delight that the enemy were about to come up the trees . they smirked at each other and rubbed their hands . rapidly and silently hook gave his orders one man to each tree , and the others to arrange themselves in a line two yards apart . chapter do you believe in fairies . the more quickly this horror is disposed of the better . the first to emerge from his tree was curly . he rose out of it into the arms of cecco , who flung him to smee , who flung him to starkey , who flung him to bill jukes , who flung him to noodler , and so he was tossed from one to another till he fell at the feet of the black pirate . all the boys were plucked from their trees in this ruthless manner and several of them were in the air at a time , like bales of goods flung from hand to hand . a different treatment was accorded to wendy , who came last . with ironical politeness hook raised his hat to her , and , offering her his arm , escorted her to the spot where the others were being gagged . he did it with such an air , he was so frightfully distingue imposingly distinguished , that she was too fascinated to cry out . she was only a little girl . perhaps it is tell tale to divulge that for a moment hook entranced her , and we tell on her only because her slip led to strange results . had she haughtily unhanded him she would have been hurled through the air like the others , and then hook would probably not have been present at the tying of the children and had he not been at the tying he would not have discovered slightlys secret , and without the secret he could not presently have made his foul attempt on peters life . they were tied to prevent their flying away , doubled up with their knees close to their ears and for the trussing of them the black pirate had cut a rope into nine equal pieces . all went well until slightlys turn came , when he was found to be like those irritating parcels that use up all the string in going round and leave no tags with which to tie a knot . the pirates kicked him in their rage , just as you kick the parcel and strange to say it was hook who told them to belay their violence . his lip was curled with malicious triumph . while his dogs were merely sweating because every time they tried to pack the unhappy lad tight in one part he bulged out in another , hooks master mind had gone far beneath slightlys surface , probing not for effects but for causes and his exultation showed that he had found them . slightly , white to the gills , knew that hook had surprised his secret , which was this , that no boy so blown out could use a tree wherein an average man need stick . poor slightly , most wretched of all the children now , for he was in a panic about peter , bitterly regretted what he had done . madly addicted to the drinking of water when he was hot , he had swelled in consequence to his present girth , and instead of reducing himself to fit his tree he had , unknown to the others , whittled his tree to make it fit him . sufficient of this hook guessed to persuade him that peter at last lay at his mercy , but no word of the dark design that now formed in the subterranean caverns of his mind crossed his lips he merely signed that the captives were to be conveyed to the ship , and that he would be alone . how to convey them . hunched up in their ropes they might indeed be rolled down hill like barrels , but most of the way lay through a morass . again hooks genius surmounted difficulties . he indicated that the little house must be used as a conveyance . the children were flung into it , four stout pirates raised it on their shoulders , the others fell in behind , and singing the hateful pirate chorus the strange procession set off through the wood . i dont know whether any of the children were crying if so , the singing drowned the sound but as the little house disappeared in the forest , a brave though tiny jet of smoke issued from its chimney as if defying hook . hook saw it , and it did peter a bad service . it dried up any trickle of pity for him that may have remained in the pirates infuriated breast . the first thing he did on finding himself alone in the fast falling night was to tiptoe to slightlys tree , and make sure that it provided him with a passage . then for long he remained brooding his hat of ill omen on the sward , so that any gentle breeze which had arisen might play refreshingly through his hair . dark as were his thoughts his blue eyes were as soft as the periwinkle . intently he listened for any sound from the nether world , but all was as silent below as above the house under the ground seemed to be but one more empty tenement in the void . was that boy asleep , or did he stand waiting at the foot of slightlys tree , with his dagger in his hand . there was no way of knowing , save by going down . hook let his cloak slip softly to the ground , and then biting his lips till a lewd blood stood on them , he stepped into the tree . he was a brave man , but for a moment he had to stop there and wipe his brow , which was dripping like a candle . then , silently , he let himself go into the unknown . he arrived unmolested at the foot of the shaft , and stood still again , biting at his breath , which had almost left him . as his eyes became accustomed to the dim light various objects in the home under the trees took shape but the only one on which his greedy gaze rested , long sought for and found at last , was the great bed . on the bed lay peter fast asleep . unaware of the tragedy being enacted above , peter had continued , for a little time after the children left , to play gaily on his pipes no doubt rather a forlorn attempt to prove to himself that he did not care . then he decided not to take his medicine , so as to grieve wendy . then he lay down on the bed outside the coverlet , to vex her still more for she had always tucked them inside it , because you never know that you may not grow chilly at the turn of the night . then he nearly cried but it struck him how indignant she would be if he laughed instead so he laughed a haughty laugh and fell asleep in the middle of it . sometimes , though not often , he had dreams , and they were more painful than the dreams of other boys . for hours he could not be separated from these dreams , though he wailed piteously in them . they had to do , i think , with the riddle of his existence . at such times it had been wendys custom to take him out of bed and sit with him on her lap , soothing him in dear ways of her own invention , and when he grew calmer to put him back to bed before he quite woke up , so that he should not know of the indignity to which she had subjected him . but on this occasion he had fallen at once into a dreamless sleep . one arm dropped over the edge of the bed , one leg was arched , and the unfinished part of his laugh was stranded on his mouth , which was open , showing the little pearls . thus defenceless hook found him . he stood silent at the foot of the tree looking across the chamber at his enemy . did no feeling of compassion disturb his sombre breast . the man was not wholly evil he loved flowers and sweet music he was himself no mean performer on the harpsichord and , let it be frankly admitted , the idyllic nature of the scene stirred him profoundly . mastered by his better self he would have returned reluctantly up the tree , but for one thing . what stayed him was peters impertinent appearance as he slept . the open mouth , the drooping arm , the arched knee they were such a personification of cockiness as , taken together , will never again , one may hope , be presented to eyes so sensitive to their offensiveness . they steeled hooks heart . if his rage had broken him into a hundred pieces every one of them would have disregarded the incident , and leapt at the sleeper . though a light from the one lamp shone dimly on the bed , hook stood in darkness himself , and at the first stealthy step forward he discovered an obstacle , the door of slightlys tree . it did not entirely fill the aperture , and he had been looking over it . feeling for the catch , he found to his fury that it was low down , beyond his reach . to his disordered brain it seemed then that the irritating quality in peters face and figure visibly increased , and he rattled the door and flung himself against it . was his enemy to escape him after all . but what was that . the red in his eye had caught sight of peters medicine standing on a ledge within easy reach . he fathomed what it was straightaway , and immediately knew that the sleeper was in his power . lest he should be taken alive , hook always carried about his person a dreadful drug , blended by himself of all the death dealing rings that had come into his possession . these he had boiled down into a yellow liquid quite unknown to science , which was probably the most virulent poison in existence . five drops of this he now added to peters cup . his hand shook , but it was in exultation rather than in shame . as he did it he avoided glancing at the sleeper , but not lest pity should unnerve him merely to avoid spilling . then one long gloating look he cast upon his victim , and turning , wormed his way with difficulty up the tree . as he emerged at the top he looked the very spirit of evil breaking from its hole . donning his hat at its most rakish angle , he wound his cloak around him , holding one end in front as if to conceal his person from the night , of which it was the blackest part , and muttering strangely to himself , stole away through the trees . peter slept on . the light guttered and went out , leaving the tenement in darkness but still he slept . it must have been not less than ten oclock by the crocodile , when he suddenly sat up in his bed , wakened by he knew not what . it was a soft cautious tapping on the door of his tree . soft and cautious , but in that stillness it was sinister . peter felt for his dagger till his hand gripped it . then he spoke . who is that . for long there was no answer then again the knock . who are you . no answer . he was thrilled , and he loved being thrilled . in two strides he reached the door . unlike slightlys door , it filled the aperture so that he could not see beyond it , nor could the one knocking see him . i wont open unless you speak , peter cried . then at last the visitor spoke , in a lovely bell like voice . let me in , peter . it was tink , and quickly he unbarred to her . she flew in excitedly , her face flushed and her dress stained with mud . what is it . oh , you could never guess . she cried , and offered him three guesses . out with it . he shouted , and in one ungrammatical sentence , as long as the ribbons that conjurers pull from their mouths , she told of the capture of wendy and the boys . peters heart bobbed up and down as he listened . wendy bound , and on the pirate ship she who loved everything to be just so . ill rescue her . he cried , leaping at his weapons . as he leapt he thought of something he could do to please her . he could take his medicine . his hand closed on the fatal draught . no . shrieked tinker bell , who had heard hook mutter about his deed as he sped through the forest . why not . it is poisoned . poisoned . who could have poisoned it . hook . dont be silly . how could hook have got down here . alas , tinker bell could not explain this , for even she did not know the dark secret of slightlys tree . nevertheless hooks words had left no room for doubt . the cup was poisoned . besides , said peter , quite believing himself , i never fell asleep . he raised the cup . no time for words now time for deeds and with one of her lightning movements tink got between his lips and the draught , and drained it to the dregs . why , tink , how dare you drink my medicine . but she did not answer . already she was reeling in the air . what is the matter with you . cried peter , suddenly afraid . it was poisoned , peter , she told him softly and now i am going to be dead . o tink , did you drink it to save me . yes . but why , tink . her wings would scarcely carry her now , but in reply she alighted on his shoulder and gave his nose a loving bite . she whispered in his ear you silly ass , and then , tottering to her chamber , lay down on the bed . his head almost filled the fourth wall of her little room as he knelt near her in distress . every moment her light was growing fainter and he knew that if it went out she would be no more . she liked his tears so much that she put out her beautiful finger and let them run over it . her voice was so low that at first he could not make out what she said . then he made it out . she was saying that she thought she could get well again if children believed in fairies . peter flung out his arms . there were no children there , and it was night time but he addressed all who might be dreaming of the neverland , and who were therefore nearer to him than you think boys and girls in their nighties , and naked papooses in their baskets hung from trees . do you believe . he cried . tink sat up in bed almost briskly to listen to her fate . she fancied she heard answers in the affirmative , and then again she wasnt sure . what do you think . she asked peter . if you believe , he shouted to them , clap your hands dont let tink die . many clapped . some didnt . a few beasts hissed . the clapping stopped suddenly as if countless mothers had rushed to their nurseries to see what on earth was happening but already tink was saved . first her voice grew strong , then she popped out of bed , then she was flashing through the room more merry and impudent than ever . she never thought of thanking those who believed , but she would have liked to get at the ones who had hissed . and now to rescue wendy . the moon was riding in a cloudy heaven when peter rose from his tree , begirt with weapons and wearing little else , to set out upon his perilous quest . it was not such a night as he would have chosen . he had hoped to fly , keeping not far from the ground so that nothing unwonted should escape his eyes but in that fitful light to have flown low would have meant trailing his shadow through the trees , thus disturbing birds and acquainting a watchful foe that he was astir . he regretted now that he had given the birds of the island such strange names that they are very wild and difficult of approach . there was no other course but to press forward in redskin fashion , at which happily he was an adept . but in what direction , for he could not be sure that the children had been taken to the ship . a light fall of snow had obliterated all footmarks and a deathly silence pervaded the island , as if for a space nature stood still in horror of the recent carnage . he had taught the children something of the forest lore that he had himself learned from tiger lily and tinker bell , and knew that in their dire hour they were not likely to forget it . slightly , if he had an opportunity , would blaze the trees , for instance , curly would drop seeds , and wendy would leave her handkerchief at some important place . the morning was needed to search for such guidance , and he could not wait . the upper world had called him , but would give no help . the crocodile passed him , but not another living thing , not a sound , not a movement and yet he knew well that sudden death might be at the next tree , or stalking him from behind . he swore this terrible oath hook or me this time . now he crawled forward like a snake , and again erect , he darted across a space on which the moonlight played , one finger on his lip and his dagger at the ready . he was frightfully happy . chapter the pirate ship one green light squinting over kidds creek , which is near the mouth of the pirate river , marked where the brig , the jolly roger , lay , low in the water a rakish looking craft foul to the hull , every beam in her detestable , like ground strewn with mangled feathers . she was the cannibal of the seas , and scarce needed that watchful eye , for she floated immune in the horror of her name . she was wrapped in the blanket of night , through which no sound from her could have reached the shore . there was little sound , and none agreeable save the whir of the ships sewing machine at which smee sat , ever industrious and obliging , the essence of the commonplace , pathetic smee . i know not why he was so infinitely pathetic , unless it were because he was so pathetically unaware of it but even strong men had to turn hastily from looking at him , and more than once on summer evenings he had touched the fount of hooks tears and made it flow . of this , as of almost everything else , smee was quite unconscious . a few of the pirates leant over the bulwarks , drinking in the miasma of the night others sprawled by barrels over games of dice and cards and the exhausted four who had carried the little house lay prone on the deck , where even in their sleep they rolled skillfully to this side or that out of hooks reach , lest he should claw them mechanically in passing . hook trod the deck in thought . o man unfathomable . it was his hour of triumph . peter had been removed for ever from his path , and all the other boys were in the brig , about to walk the plank . it was his grimmest deed since the days when he had brought barbecue to heel and knowing as we do how vain a tabernacle is man , could we be surprised had he now paced the deck unsteadily , bellied out by the winds of his success . but there was no elation in his gait , which kept pace with the action of his sombre mind . hook was profoundly dejected . he was often thus when communing with himself on board ship in the quietude of the night . it was because he was so terribly alone . this inscrutable man never felt more alone than when surrounded by his dogs . they were socially inferior to him . hook was not his true name . to reveal who he really was would even at this date set the country in a blaze but as those who read between the lines must already have guessed , he had been at a famous public school and its traditions still clung to him like garments , with which indeed they are largely concerned . thus it was offensive to him even now to board a ship in the same dress in which he grappled her , and he still adhered in his walk to the schools distinguished slouch . but above all he retained the passion for good form . good form . however much he may have degenerated , he still knew that this is all that really matters . from far within him he heard a creaking as of rusty portals , and through them came a stern tap tap , like hammering in the night when one cannot sleep . have you been good form to day . was their eternal question . fame , that glittering bauble , it is mine , he cried . is it quite good form to be distinguished at anything . the tap tap from his school replied . i am the only man whom barbecue feared , he urged , and flint feared barbecue . barbecue , flint  house . came the cutting retort . most disquieting reflection of all , was it not bad form to think about good form . his vitals were tortured by this problem . it was a claw within him sharper than the iron one and as it tore him , the perspiration dripped down his tallow countenance and streaked his doublet . ofttimes he drew his sleeve across his face , but there was no damming that trickle . ah , envy not hook . there came to him a presentiment of his early dissolution . it was as if peters terrible oath had boarded the ship . hook felt a gloomy desire to make his dying speech , lest presently there should be no time for it . better for hook , he cried , if he had less ambition . it was in his darkest hours only that he referred to himself in the third person . no little children to love me . strange that he should think of this , which had never troubled him before perhaps the sewing machine brought it to his mind . for long he muttered to himself , staring at smee , who was hemming placidly , under the conviction that all children feared him . feared him . feared smee . there was not a child on board the brig that night who did not already love him . he had said horrid things to them and hit them with the palm of his hand , because he could not hit with his fist , but they had only clung to him the more . michael had tried on his spectacles . to tell poor smee that they thought him lovable . hook itched to do it , but it seemed too brutal . instead , he revolved this mystery in his mind why do they find smee lovable . he pursued the problem like the sleuth hound that he was . if smee was lovable , what was it that made him so . a terrible answer suddenly presented itself  form . had the bosun good form without knowing it , which is the best form of all . he remembered that you have to prove you dont know you have it before you are eligible for pop . with a cry of rage he raised his iron hand over smees head but he did not tear . what arrested him was this reflection to claw a man because he is good form , what would that be . bad form . the unhappy hook was as impotent as he was damp , and he fell forward like a cut flower . his dogs thinking him out of the way for a time , discipline instantly relaxed and they broke into a bacchanalian dance , which brought him to his feet at once , all traces of human weakness gone , as if a bucket of water had passed over him . quiet , you scugs , he cried , or ill cast anchor in you and at once the din was hushed . are all the children chained , so that they cannot fly away . ay , . then hoist them up . the wretched prisoners were dragged from the hold , all except wendy , and ranged in line in front of him . for a time he seemed unconscious of their presence . he lolled at his ease , humming , not unmelodiously , snatches of a rude song , and fingering a pack of cards . ever and anon the light from his cigar gave a touch of colour to his face . now then , bullies , he said briskly , six of you walk the plank to night, , but i have room for two cabin boys . which of you is it to be . dont irritate him unnecessarily , had been wendys instructions in the hold so tootles stepped forward politely . tootles hated the idea of signing under such a man , but an instinct told him that it would be prudent to lay the responsibility on an absent person and though a somewhat silly boy , he knew that mothers alone are always willing to be the buffer . all children know this about mothers , and despise them for it , but make constant use of it . so tootles explained prudently , you see , sir , i dont think my mother would like me to be a pirate . would your mother like you to be a pirate , slightly . he winked at slightly , who said mournfully , i dont think so , as if he wished things had been otherwise . would your mother like you to be a pirate , twin . i dont think so , said the first twin , as clever as the others . nibs , would  stow this gab , roared hook , and the spokesmen were dragged back . you , boy , he said , addressing john , you look as if you had a little pluck in you . didst never want to be a pirate , my hearty . now john had sometimes experienced this hankering at maths . prep . and he was struck by hooks picking him out . i once thought of calling myself red handed jack , he said diffidently . and a good name too . well call you that here , bully , if you join . what do you think , michael . asked john . what would you call me if i join . michael demanded . blackbeard joe . michael was naturally impressed . what do you think , john . he wanted john to decide , and john wanted him to decide . shall we still be respectful subjects of the king . john inquired . through hooks teeth came the answer you would have to swear , down with the king . perhaps john had not behaved very well so far , but he shone out now . then i refuse , he cried , banging the barrel in front of hook . and i refuse , cried michael . rule britannia . squeaked curly . the infuriated pirates buffeted them in the mouth and hook roared out , that seals your doom . bring up their mother . get the plank ready . they were only boys , and they went white as they saw jukes and cecco preparing the fatal plank . but they tried to look brave when wendy was brought up . no words of mine can tell you how wendy despised those pirates . to the boys there was at least some glamour in the pirate calling but all that she saw was that the ship had not been tidied for years . there was not a porthole on the grimy glass of which you might not have written with your finger dirty pig and she had already written it on several . but as the boys gathered round her she had no thought , of course , save for them . so , my beauty , said hook , as if he spoke in syrup , you are to see your children walk the plank . fine gentlemen though he was , the intensity of his communings had soiled his ruff , and suddenly he knew that she was gazing at it . with a hasty gesture he tried to hide it , but he was too late . are they to die . asked wendy , with a look of such frightful contempt that he nearly fainted . they are , he snarled . silence all , he called gloatingly , for a mothers last words to her children . at this moment wendy was grand . these are my last words , dear boys , she said firmly . i feel that i have a message to you from your real mothers , and it is this we hope our sons will die like english gentlemen . even the pirates were awed , and tootles cried out hysterically , i am going to do what my mother hopes . what are you to do , nibs . what my mother hopes . what are you to do , twin . what my mother hopes . john , what are  but hook had found his voice again . tie her up . he shouted . it was smee who tied her to the mast . see here , honey , he whispered , ill save you if you promise to be my mother . but not even for smee would she make such a promise . i would almost rather have no children at all , she said disdainfully . it is sad to know that not a boy was looking at her as smee tied her to the mast the eyes of all were on the plank that last little walk they were about to take . they were no longer able to hope that they would walk it manfully , for the capacity to think had gone from them they could stare and shiver only . hook smiled on them with his teeth closed , and took a step toward wendy . his intention was to turn her face so that she should see the boys walking the plank one by one . but he never reached her , he never heard the cry of anguish he hoped to wring from her . he heard something else instead . it was the terrible tick tick of the crocodile . they all heard it  , boys , wendy and immediately every head was blown in one direction not to the water whence the sound proceeded , but toward hook . all knew that what was about to happen concerned him alone , and that from being actors they were suddenly become spectators . very frightful was it to see the change that came over him . it was as if he had been clipped at every joint . he fell in a little heap . the sound came steadily nearer and in advance of it came this ghastly thought , the crocodile is about to board the ship . even the iron claw hung inactive as if knowing that it was no intrinsic part of what the attacking force wanted . left so fearfully alone , any other man would have lain with his eyes shut where he fell but the gigantic brain of hook was still working , and under its guidance he crawled on the knees along the deck as far from the sound as he could go . the pirates respectfully cleared a passage for him , and it was only when he brought up against the bulwarks that he spoke . hide me . he cried hoarsely . they gathered round him , all eyes averted from the thing that was coming aboard . they had no thought of fighting it . it was fate . only when hook was hidden from them did curiosity loosen the limbs of the boys so that they could rush to the ships side to see the crocodile climbing it . then they got the strangest surprise of the night of nights for it was no crocodile that was coming to their aid . it was peter . he signed to them not to give vent to any cry of admiration that might rouse suspicion . then he went on ticking . chapter hook or me this time odd things happen to all of us on our way through life without our noticing for a time that they have happened . thus , to take an instance , we suddenly discover that we have been deaf in one ear for we dont know how long , but , say , half an hour . now such an experience had come that night to peter . when last we saw him he was stealing across the island with one finger to his lips and his dagger at the ready . he had seen the crocodile pass by without noticing anything peculiar about it , but by and by he remembered that it had not been ticking . at first he thought this eerie , but soon concluded rightly that the clock had run down . without giving a thought to what might be the feelings of a fellow creature thus abruptly deprived of its closest companion , peter began to consider how he could turn the catastrophe to his own use and he decided to tick , so that wild beasts should believe he was the crocodile and let him pass unmolested . he ticked superbly , but with one unforeseen result . the crocodile was among those who heard the sound , and it followed him , though whether with the purpose of regaining what it had lost , or merely as a friend under the belief that it was again ticking itself , will never be certainly known , for , like slaves to a fixed idea , it was a stupid beast . peter reached the shore without mishap , and went straight on , his legs encountering the water as if quite unaware that they had entered a new element . thus many animals pass from land to water , but no other human of whom i know . as he swam he had but one thought hook or me this time . he had ticked so long that he now went on ticking without knowing that he was doing it . had he known he would have stopped , for to board the brig by help of the tick , though an ingenious idea , had not occurred to him . on the contrary , he thought he had scaled her side as noiseless as a mouse and he was amazed to see the pirates cowering from him , with hook in their midst as abject as if he had heard the crocodile . the crocodile . no sooner did peter remember it than he heard the ticking . at first he thought the sound did come from the crocodile , and he looked behind him swiftly . then he realised that he was doing it himself , and in a flash he understood the situation . how clever of me . he thought at once , and signed to the boys not to burst into applause . it was at this moment that ed teynte the quartermaster emerged from the forecastle and came along the deck . now , reader , time what happened by your watch . peter struck true and deep . john clapped his hands on the ill fated pirates mouth to stifle the dying groan . he fell forward . four boys caught him to prevent the thud . peter gave the signal , and the carrion was cast overboard . there was a splash , and then silence . how long has it taken . one . none too soon , peter , every inch of him on tiptoe , vanished into the cabin for more than one pirate was screwing up his courage to look round . they could hear each others distressed breathing now , which showed them that the more terrible sound had passed . its gone , captain , smee said , wiping off his spectacles . alls still again . slowly hook let his head emerge from his ruff , and listened so intently that he could have caught the echo of the tick . there was not a sound , and he drew himself up firmly to his full height . then heres to johnny plank . he cried brazenly , hating the boys more than ever because they had seen him unbend . he broke into the villainous ditty yo ho , yo ho , the frisky plank , you walks along it so , till it goes down and you goes down to davy jones below . to terrorize the prisoners the more , though with a certain loss of dignity , he danced along an imaginary plank , grimacing at them as he sang and when he finished he cried , do you want a touch of the cat o nine tails before you walk the plank . at that they fell on their knees . no , . they cried so piteously that every pirate smiled . fetch the cat , jukes , said hook its in the cabin . the cabin . peter was in the cabin . the children gazed at each other . ay , said jukes blithely , and he strode into the cabin . they followed him with their eyes they scarce knew that hook had resumed his song , his dogs joining in with him yo ho , yo ho , the scratching cat , its tails are nine , you know , and when theyre writ upon your back  what was the last line will never be known , for of a sudden the song was stayed by a dreadful screech from the cabin . it wailed through the ship , and died away . then was heard a crowing sound which was well understood by the boys , but to the pirates was almost more eerie than the screech . what was that . cried hook . two , said slightly solemnly . the italian cecco hesitated for a moment and then swung into the cabin . he tottered out , haggard . whats the matter with bill jukes , you dog . hissed hook , towering over him . the matter wi him is hes dead , stabbed , replied cecco in a hollow voice . bill jukes dead . cried the startled pirates . the cabins as black as a pit , cecco said , almost gibbering , but there is something terrible in there the thing you heard crowing . the exultation of the boys , the lowering looks of the pirates , both were seen by hook . cecco , he said in his most steely voice , go back and fetch me out that doodle doo . cecco , bravest of the brave , cowered before his captain , crying no , but hook was purring to his claw . did you say you would go , cecco . he said musingly . cecco went , first flinging his arms despairingly . there was no more singing , all listened now and again came a death screech and again a crow . no one spoke except slightly . three , he said . hook rallied his dogs with a gesture . sdeath and odds fish , he thundered , who is to bring me that doodle doo . wait till cecco comes out , growled starkey , and the others took up the cry . i think i heard you volunteer , starkey , said hook , purring again . no , by thunder . starkey cried . my hook thinks you did , said hook , crossing to him . i wonder if it would not be advisable , starkey , to humour the hook . ill swing before i go in there , replied starkey doggedly , and again he had the support of the crew . is this mutiny . asked hook more pleasantly than ever . starkeys ringleader . captain , mercy . starkey whimpered , all of a tremble now . shake hands , starkey , said hook , proffering his claw . starkey looked round for help , but all deserted him . as he backed up hook advanced , and now the red spark was in his eye . with a despairing scream the pirate leapt upon long tom and precipitated himself into the sea . four , said slightly . and now , hook said courteously , did any other gentlemen say mutiny . seizing a lantern and raising his claw with a menacing gesture , ill bring out that doodle doo myself , he said , and sped into the cabin . five . how slightly longed to say it . he wetted his lips to be ready , but hook came staggering out , without his lantern . something blew out the light , he said a little unsteadily . something . echoed mullins . what of cecco . demanded noodler . hes as dead as jukes , said hook shortly . his reluctance to return to the cabin impressed them all unfavourably , and the mutinous sounds again broke forth . all pirates are superstitious , and cookson cried , they do say the surest sign a ships accurst is when theres one on board more than can be accounted for . ive heard , muttered mullins , he always boards the pirate craft last . had he a tail , captain . they say , said another , looking viciously at hook , that when he comes its in the likeness of the wickedest man aboard . had he a hook , captain . asked cookson insolently and one after another took up the cry , the ships doomed . at this the children could not resist raising a cheer . hook had well nigh forgotten his prisoners , but as he swung round on them now his face lit up again . lads , he cried to his crew , now heres a notion . open the cabin door and drive them in . let them fight the doodle doo for their lives . if they kill him , were so much the better if he kills them , were none the worse . for the last time his dogs admired hook , and devotedly they did his bidding . the boys , pretending to struggle , were pushed into the cabin and the door was closed on them . now , listen . cried hook , and all listened . but not one dared to face the door . yes , one , wendy , who all this time had been bound to the mast . it was for neither a scream nor a crow that she was watching , it was for the reappearance of peter . she had not long to wait . in the cabin he had found the thing for which he had gone in search the key that would free the children of their manacles , and now they all stole forth , armed with such weapons as they could find . first signing them to hide , peter cut wendys bonds , and then nothing could have been easier than for them all to fly off together but one thing barred the way , an oath , hook or me this time . so when he had freed wendy , he whispered for her to conceal herself with the others , and himself took her place by the mast , her cloak around him so that he should pass for her . then he took a great breath and crowed . to the pirates it was a voice crying that all the boys lay slain in the cabin and they were panic stricken . hook tried to hearten them but like the dogs he had made them they showed him their fangs , and he knew that if he took his eyes off them now they would leap at him . lads , he said , ready to cajole or strike as need be , but never quailing for an instant , ive thought it out . theres a jonah aboard . ay , they snarled , a man wi a hook . no , lads , no , its the girl . never was luck on a pirate ship wi a woman on board . well right the ship when shes gone . some of them remembered that this had been a saying of flints . its worth trying , they said doubtfully . fling the girl overboard , cried hook and they made a rush at the figure in the cloak . theres none can save you now , missy , mullins hissed jeeringly . theres one , replied the figure . whos that . peter pan the avenger . came the terrible answer and as he spoke peter flung off his cloak . then they all knew who twas that had been undoing them in the cabin , and twice hook essayed to speak and twice he failed . in that frightful moment i think his fierce heart broke . at last he cried , cleave him to the brisket . but without conviction . down , boys , and at them . peters voice rang out and in another moment the clash of arms was resounding through the ship . had the pirates kept together it is certain that they would have won but the onset came when they were still unstrung , and they ran hither and thither , striking wildly , each thinking himself the last survivor of the crew . man to man they were the stronger but they fought on the defensive only , which enabled the boys to hunt in pairs and choose their quarry . some of the miscreants leapt into the sea others hid in dark recesses , where they were found by slightly , who did not fight , but ran about with a lantern which he flashed in their faces , so that they were half blinded and fell as an easy prey to the reeking swords of the other boys . there was little sound to be heard but the clang of weapons , an occasional screech or splash , and slightly monotonously counting  eight  . i think all were gone when a group of savage boys surrounded hook , who seemed to have a charmed life , as he kept them at bay in that circle of fire . they had done for his dogs , but this man alone seemed to be a match for them all . again and again they closed upon him , and again and again he hewed a clear space . he had lifted up one boy with his hook , and was using him as a buckler when another , who had just passed his sword through mullins , sprang into the fray . put up your swords , boys , cried the newcomer , this man is mine . thus suddenly hook found himself face to face with peter . the others drew back and formed a ring around them . for long the two enemies looked at one another , hook shuddering slightly , and peter with the strange smile upon his face . so , pan , said hook at last , this is all your doing . ay , james hook , came the stern answer , it is all my doing . proud and insolent youth , said hook , prepare to meet thy doom . dark and sinister man , peter answered , have at thee . without more words they fell to , and for a space there was no advantage to either blade . peter was a superb swordsman , and parried with dazzling rapidity ever and anon he followed up a feint with a lunge that got past his foes defence , but his shorter reach stood him in ill stead , and he could not drive the steel home . hook , scarcely his inferior in brilliancy , but not quite so nimble in wrist play , forced him back by the weight of his onset , hoping suddenly to end all with a favourite thrust , taught him long ago by barbecue at rio but to his astonishment he found this thrust turned aside again and again . then he sought to close and give the quietus with his iron hook , which all this time had been pawing the air but peter doubled under it and , lunging fiercely , pierced him in the ribs . at the sight of his own blood , whose peculiar colour , you remember , was offensive to him , the sword fell from hooks hand , and he was at peters mercy . now . cried all the boys , but with a magnificent gesture peter invited his opponent to pick up his sword . hook did so instantly , but with a tragic feeling that peter was showing good form . hitherto he had thought it was some fiend fighting him , but darker suspicions assailed him now . pan , who and what art thou . he cried huskily . im youth , im joy , peter answered at a venture , im a little bird that has broken out of the egg . this , of course , was nonsense but it was proof to the unhappy hook that peter did not know in the least who or what he was , which is the very pinnacle of good form . tot again , he cried despairingly . he fought now like a human flail , and every sweep of that terrible sword would have severed in twain any man or boy who obstructed it but peter fluttered round him as if the very wind it made blew him out of the danger zone . and again and again he darted in and pricked . hook was fighting now without hope . that passionate breast no longer asked for life but for one boon it craved to see peter show bad form before it was cold forever . abandoning the fight he rushed into the powder magazine and fired it . in two minutes , he cried , the ship will be blown to pieces . now , he thought , true form will show . but peter issued from the powder magazine with the shell in his hands , and calmly flung it overboard . what sort of form was hook himself showing . misguided man though he was , we may be glad , without sympathising with him , that in the end he was true to the traditions of his race . the other boys were flying around him now , flouting , scornful and he staggered about the deck striking up at them impotently , his mind was no longer with them it was slouching in the playing fields of long ago , or being sent up for good , or watching the wall game from a famous wall . and his shoes were right , and his waistcoat was right , and his tie was right , and his socks were right . james hook , thou not wholly unheroic figure , farewell . for we have come to his last moment . seeing peter slowly advancing upon him through the air with dagger poised , he sprang upon the bulwarks to cast himself into the sea . he did not know that the crocodile was waiting for him for we purposely stopped the clock that this knowledge might be spared him a little mark of respect from us at the end . he had one last triumph , which i think we need not grudge him . as he stood on the bulwark looking over his shoulder at peter gliding through the air , he invited him with a gesture to use his foot . it made peter kick instead of stab . at last hook had got the boon for which he craved . bad form , he cried jeeringly , and went content to the crocodile . thus perished james hook . seventeen , slightly sang out but he was not quite correct in his figures . fifteen paid the penalty for their crimes that night but two reached the shore starkey to be captured by the redskins , who made him nurse for all their papooses , a melancholy come down for a pirate and smee , who henceforth wandered about the world in his spectacles , making a precarious living by saying he was the only man that jas . hook had feared . wendy , of course , had stood by taking no part in the fight , though watching peter with glistening eyes but now that all was over she became prominent again . she praised them equally , and shuddered delightfully when michael showed her the place where he had killed one and then she took them into hooks cabin and pointed to his watch which was hanging on a nail . it said half past one . the lateness of the hour was almost the biggest thing of all . she got them to bed in the pirates bunks pretty quickly , you may be sure all but peter , who strutted up and down on the deck , until at last he fell asleep by the side of long tom . he had one of his dreams that night , and cried in his sleep for a long time , and wendy held him tightly . chapter the return home by three bells that morning they were all stirring their stumps for there was a big sea running and tootles , the bosun , was among them , with a ropes end in his hand and chewing tobacco . they all donned pirate clothes cut off at the knee , shaved smartly , and tumbled up , with the true nautical roll and hitching their trousers . it need not be said who was the captain . nibs and john were first and second mate . there was a woman aboard . the rest were tars before the mast , and lived in the focsle . peter had already lashed himself to the wheel but he piped all hands and delivered a short address to them said he hoped they would do their duty like gallant hearties , but that he knew they were the scum of rio and the gold coast , and if they snapped at him he would tear them . the bluff strident words struck the note sailors understood , and they cheered him lustily . then a few sharp orders were given , and they turned the ship round , and nosed her for the mainland . captain pan calculated , after consulting the ships chart , that if this weather lasted they should strike the azores about the st of june , after which it would save time to fly . some of them wanted it to be an honest ship and others were in favour of keeping it a pirate but the captain treated them as dogs , and they dared not express their wishes to him even in a round robin one person after another , as they had to cpt . hook . instant obedience was the only safe thing . slightly got a dozen for looking perplexed when told to take soundings . the general feeling was that peter was honest just now to lull wendys suspicions , but that there might be a change when the new suit was ready , which , against her will , she was making for him out of some of hooks wickedest garments . it was afterwards whispered among them that on the first night he wore this suit he sat long in the cabin with hooks cigar holder in his mouth and one hand clenched , all but for the forefinger , which he bent and held threateningly aloft like a hook . instead of watching the ship , however , we must now return to that desolate home from which three of our characters had taken heartless flight so long ago . it seems a shame to have neglected no . all this time and yet we may be sure that mrs . darling does not blame us . if we had returned sooner to look with sorrowful sympathy at her , she would probably have cried , dont be silly what do i matter . do go back and keep an eye on the children . so long as mothers are like this their children will take advantage of them and they may lay to that . even now we venture into that familiar nursery only because its lawful occupants are on their way home we are merely hurrying on in advance of them to see that their beds are properly aired and that mr . and mrs . darling do not go out for the evening . we are no more than servants . why on earth should their beds be properly aired , seeing that they left them in such a thankless hurry . would it not serve them jolly well right if they came back and found that their parents were spending the week end in the country . it would be the moral lesson they have been in need of ever since we met them but if we contrived things in this way mrs . darling would never forgive us . one thing i should like to do immensely , and that is to tell her , in the way authors have , that the children are coming back , that indeed they will be here on thursday week . this would spoil so completely the surprise to which wendy and john and michael are looking forward . they have been planning it out on the ship mothers rapture , fathers shout of joy , nanas leap through the air to embrace them first , when what they ought to be prepared for is a good hiding . how delicious to spoil it all by breaking the news in advance so that when they enter grandly mrs . darling may not even offer wendy her mouth , and mr . darling may exclaim pettishly , dash it all , here are those boys again . however , we should get no thanks even for this . we are beginning to know mrs . darling by this time , and may be sure that she would upbraid us for depriving the children of their little pleasure . but , my dear madam , it is ten days till thursday week so that by telling you whats what , we can save you ten days of unhappiness . yes , but at what a cost . by depriving the children of ten minutes of delight . oh , if you look at it in that way . what other way is there in which to look at it . you see , the woman had no proper spirit . i had meant to say extraordinarily nice things about her but i despise her , and not one of them will i say now . she does not really need to be told to have things ready , for they are ready . all the beds are aired , and she never leaves the house , and observe , the window is open . for all the use we are to her , we might well go back to the ship . however , as we are here we may as well stay and look on . that is all we are , lookers on . nobody really wants us . so let us watch and say jaggy things , in the hope that some of them will hurt . the only change to be seen in the night nursery is that between nine and six the kennel is no longer there . when the children flew away , mr . darling felt in his bones that all the blame was his for having chained nana up , and that from first to last she had been wiser than he . of course , as we have seen , he was quite a simple man indeed he might have passed for a boy again if he had been able to take his baldness off but he had also a noble sense of justice and a lions courage to do what seemed right to him and having thought the matter out with anxious care after the flight of the children , he went down on all fours and crawled into the kennel . to all mrs . darlings dear invitations to him to come out he replied sadly but firmly no , my own one , this is the place for me . in the bitterness of his remorse he swore that he would never leave the kennel until his children came back . of course this was a pity but whatever mr . darling did he had to do in excess , otherwise he soon gave up doing it . and there never was a more humble man than the once proud george darling , as he sat in the kennel of an evening talking with his wife of their children and all their pretty ways . very touching was his deference to nana . he would not let her come into the kennel , but on all other matters he followed her wishes implicitly . every morning the kennel was carried with mr . darling in it to a cab , which conveyed him to his office , and he returned home in the same way at six . something of the strength of character of the man will be seen if we remember how sensitive he was to the opinion of neighbours this man whose every movement now attracted surprised attention . inwardly he must have suffered torture but he preserved a calm exterior even when the young criticised his little home , and he always lifted his hat courteously to any lady who looked inside . it may have been quixotic , but it was magnificent . soon the inward meaning of it leaked out , and the great heart of the public was touched . crowds followed the cab , cheering it lustily charming girls scaled it to get his autograph interviews appeared in the better class of papers , and society invited him to dinner and added , do come in the kennel . on that eventful thursday week , mrs . darling was in the night nursery awaiting georges return home a very sad eyed woman . now that we look at her closely and remember the gaiety of her in the old days , all gone now just because she has lost her babes , i find i wont be able to say nasty things about her after all . if she was too fond of her rubbishy children , she couldnt help it . look at her in her chair , where she has fallen asleep . the corner of her mouth , where one looks first , is almost withered up . her hand moves restlessly on her breast as if she had a pain there . some like peter best , and some like wendy best , but i like her best . suppose , to make her happy , we whisper to her in her sleep that the brats are coming back . they are really within two miles of the window now , and flying strong , but all we need whisper is that they are on the way . lets . it is a pity we did it , for she has started up , calling their names and there is no one in the room but nana . o nana , i dreamt my dear ones had come back . nana had filmy eyes , but all she could do was put her paw gently on her mistresss lap and they were sitting together thus when the kennel was brought back . as mr . darling puts his head out to kiss his wife , we see that his face is more worn than of yore , but has a softer expression . he gave his hat to liza , who took it scornfully for she had no imagination , and was quite incapable of understanding the motives of such a man . outside , the crowd who had accompanied the cab home were still cheering , and he was naturally not unmoved . listen to them , he said it is very gratifying . lots of little boys , sneered liza . there were several adults to day, , he assured her with a faint flush but when she tossed her head he had not a word of reproof for her . social success had not spoilt him it had made him sweeter . for some time he sat with his head out of the kennel , talking with mrs . darling of this success , and pressing her hand reassuringly when she said she hoped his head would not be turned by it . but if i had been a weak man , he said . good heavens , if i had been a weak man . and , george , she said timidly , you are as full of remorse as ever , arent you . full of remorse as ever , dearest . see my punishment living in a kennel . but it is punishment , isnt it , george . you are sure you are not enjoying it . my love . you may be sure she begged his pardon and then , feeling drowsy , he curled round in the kennel . wont you play me to sleep , he asked , on the nursery piano . and as she was crossing to the day nursery he added thoughtlessly , and shut that window . i feel a draught . o george , never ask me to do that . the window must always be left open for them , always , . now it was his turn to beg her pardon and she went into the day nursery and played , and soon he was asleep and while he slept , wendy and john and michael flew into the room . oh no . we have written it so , because that was the charming arrangement planned by them before we left the ship but something must have happened since then , for it is not they who have flown in , it is peter and tinker bell . peters first words tell all . quick tink , he whispered , close the window bar it . thats right . now you and i must get away by the door and when wendy comes she will think her mother has barred her out and she will have to go back with me . now i understand what had hitherto puzzled me , why when peter had exterminated the pirates he did not return to the island and leave tink to escort the children to the mainland . this trick had been in his head all the time . instead of feeling that he was behaving badly he danced with glee then he peeped into the day nursery to see who was playing . he whispered to tink , its wendys mother . she is a pretty lady , but not so pretty as my mother . her mouth is full of thimbles , but not so full as my mothers was . of course he knew nothing whatever about his mother but he sometimes bragged about her . he did not know the tune , which was home , sweet home , but he knew it was saying , come back , wendy , and he cried exultantly , you will never see wendy again , lady , for the window is barred . he peeped in again to see why the music had stopped , and now he saw that mrs . darling had laid her head on the box , and that two tears were sitting on her eyes . she wants me to unbar the window , thought peter , but i wont , not i . he peeped again , and the tears were still there , or another two had taken their place . shes awfully fond of wendy , he said to himself . he was angry with her now for not seeing why she could not have wendy . the reason was so simple im fond of her too . we cant both have her , lady . but the lady would not make the best of it , and he was unhappy . he ceased to look at her , but even then she would not let go of him . he skipped about and made funny faces , but when he stopped it was just as if she were inside him , knocking . oh , all right , he said at last , and gulped . then he unbarred the window . come on , tink , he cried , with a frightful sneer at the laws of nature we dont want any silly mothers and he flew away . thus wendy and john and michael found the window open for them after all , which of course was more than they deserved . they alighted on the floor , quite unashamed of themselves , and the youngest one had already forgotten his home . john , he said , looking around him doubtfully , i think i have been here before . of course you have , you silly . there is your old bed . so it is , michael said , but not with much conviction . i say , cried john , the kennel . and he dashed across to look into it . perhaps nana is inside it , wendy said . but john whistled . hullo , he said , theres a man inside it . its father . exclaimed wendy . let me see father , michael begged eagerly , and he took a good look . he is not so big as the pirate i killed , he said with such frank disappointment that i am glad mr . darling was asleep it would have been sad if those had been the first words he heard his little michael say . wendy and john had been taken aback somewhat at finding their father in the kennel . surely , said john , like one who had lost faith in his memory , he used not to sleep in the kennel . john , wendy said falteringly , perhaps we dont remember the old life as well as we thought we did . a chill fell upon them and serve them right . it is very careless of mother , said that young scoundrel john , not to be here when we come back . it was then that mrs . darling began playing again . its mother . cried wendy , peeping . so it is . said john . then are you not really our mother , wendy . asked michael , who was surely sleepy . oh dear . exclaimed wendy , with her first real twinge of remorse for having gone , it was quite time we came back . let us creep in , john suggested , and put our hands over her eyes . but wendy , who saw that they must break the joyous news more gently , had a better plan . let us all slip into our beds , and be there when she comes in , just as if we had never been away . and so when mrs . darling went back to the night nursery to see if her husband was asleep , all the beds were occupied . the children waited for her cry of joy , but it did not come . she saw them , but she did not believe they were there . you see , she saw them in their beds so often in her dreams that she thought this was just the dream hanging around her still . she sat down in the chair by the fire , where in the old days she had nursed them . they could not understand this , and a cold fear fell upon all the three of them . mother . wendy cried . thats wendy , she said , but still she was sure it was the dream . mother . thats john , she said . mother . cried michael . he knew her now . thats michael , she said , and she stretched out her arms for the three little selfish children they would never envelop again . yes , they did , they went round wendy and john and michael , who had slipped out of bed and run to her . george , . she cried when she could speak and mr . darling woke to share her bliss , and nana came rushing in . there could not have been a lovelier sight but there was none to see it except a little boy who was staring in at the window . he had ecstasies innumerable that other children can never know but he was looking through the window at the one joy from which he must be for ever barred . chapter when wendy grew up i hope you want to know what became of the other boys . they were waiting below to give wendy time to explain about them and when they had counted five hundred they went up . they went up by the stair , because they thought this would make a better impression . they stood in a row in front of mrs . darling , with their hats off , and wishing they were not wearing their pirate clothes . they said nothing , but their eyes asked her to have them . they ought to have looked at mr . darling also , but they forgot about him . of course mrs . darling said at once that she would have them but mr . darling was curiously depressed , and they saw that he considered six a rather large number . i must say , he said to wendy , that you dont do things by halves , a grudging remark which the twins thought was pointed at them . the first twin was the proud one , and he asked , flushing , do you think we should be too much of a handful , sir . because , if so , we can go away . father . wendy cried , shocked but still the cloud was on him . he knew he was behaving unworthily , but he could not help it . we could lie doubled up , said nibs . i always cut their hair myself , said wendy . george . mrs . darling exclaimed , pained to see her dear one showing himself in such an unfavourable light . then he burst into tears , and the truth came out . he was as glad to have them as she was , he said , but he thought they should have asked his consent as well as hers , instead of treating him as a cypher in his own house . i dont think he is a cypher , tootles cried instantly . do you think he is a cypher , curly . no , i dont . do you think he is a cypher , slightly . rather not . twin , what do you think . it turned out that not one of them thought him a cypher and he was absurdly gratified , and said he would find space for them all in the drawing room if they fitted in . well fit in , sir , they assured him . then follow the leader , he cried gaily . mind you , i am not sure that we have a drawing room, , but we pretend we have , and its all the same . hoop la . he went off dancing through the house , and they all cried hoop la . and danced after him , searching for the drawing room and i forget whether they found it , but at any rate they found corners , and they all fitted in . as for peter , he saw wendy once again before he flew away . he did not exactly come to the window , but he brushed against it in passing so that she could open it if she liked and call to him . that is what she did . hullo , wendy , good bye, , he said . oh dear , are you going away . yes . you dont feel , peter , she said falteringly , that you would like to say anything to my parents about a very sweet subject . no . about me , peter . no . mrs . darling came to the window , for at present she was keeping a sharp eye on wendy . she told peter that she had adopted all the other boys , and would like to adopt him also . would you send me to school . he inquired craftily . yes . and then to an office . i suppose so . soon i would be a man . very soon . i dont want to go to school and learn solemn things , he told her passionately . i dont want to be a man . o wendys mother , if i was to wake up and feel there was a beard . peter , said wendy the comforter , i should love you in a beard and mrs . darling stretched out her arms to him , but he repulsed her . keep back , lady , no one is going to catch me and make me a man . but where are you going to live . with tink in the house we built for wendy . the fairies are to put it high up among the tree tops where they sleep at nights . how lovely , cried wendy so longingly that mrs . darling tightened her grip . i thought all the fairies were dead , mrs . darling said . there are always a lot of young ones , explained wendy , who was now quite an authority , because you see when a new baby laughs for the first time a new fairy is born , and as there are always new babies there are always new fairies . they live in nests on the tops of trees and the mauve ones are boys and the white ones are girls , and the blue ones are just little sillies who are not sure what they are . i shall have such fun , said peter , with eye on wendy . it will be rather lonely in the evening , she said , sitting by the fire . i shall have tink . tink cant go a twentieth part of the way round , she reminded him a little tartly . sneaky tell tale . tink called out from somewhere round the corner . it doesnt matter , peter said . o peter , you know it matters . well , then , come with me to the little house . may i , mummy . certainly not . i have got you home again , and i mean to keep you . but he does so need a mother . so do you , my love . oh , all right , peter said , as if he had asked her from politeness merely but mrs . darling saw his mouth twitch , and she made this handsome offer to let wendy go to him for a week every year to do his spring cleaning . wendy would have preferred a more permanent arrangement and it seemed to her that spring would be long in coming but this promise sent peter away quite gay again . he had no sense of time , and was so full of adventures that all i have told you about him is only a halfpenny worth of them . i suppose it was because wendy knew this that her last words to him were these rather plaintive ones you wont forget me , peter , will you , before spring cleaning time comes . of course peter promised and then he flew away . he took mrs . darlings kiss with him . the kiss that had been for no one else , peter took quite easily . funny . but she seemed satisfied . of course all the boys went to school and most of them got into class iii , but slightly was put first into class iv and then into class v . class i is the top class . before they had attended school a week they saw what goats they had been not to remain on the island but it was too late now , and soon they settled down to being as ordinary as you or me or jenkins minor . it is sad to have to say that the power to fly gradually left them . at first nana tied their feet to the bed posts so that they should not fly away in the night and one of their diversions by day was to pretend to fall off buses the english double deckers but by and by they ceased to tug at their bonds in bed , and found that they hurt themselves when they let go of the bus . in time they could not even fly after their hats . want of practice , they called it but what it really meant was that they no longer believed . michael believed longer than the other boys , though they jeered at him so he was with wendy when peter came for her at the end of the first year . she flew away with peter in the frock she had woven from leaves and berries in the neverland , and her one fear was that he might notice how short it had become but he never noticed , he had so much to say about himself . she had looked forward to thrilling talks with him about old times , but new adventures had crowded the old ones from his mind . who is captain hook . he asked with interest when she spoke of the arch enemy . dont you remember , she asked , amazed , how you killed him and saved all our lives . i forget them after i kill them , he replied carelessly . when she expressed a doubtful hope that tinker bell would be glad to see her he said , who is tinker bell . o peter , she said , shocked but even when she explained he could not remember . there are such a lot of them , he said . i expect she is no more . i expect he was right , for fairies dont live long , but they are so little that a short time seems a good while to them . wendy was pained too to find that the past year was but as yesterday to peter it had seemed such a long year of waiting to her . but he was exactly as fascinating as ever , and they had a lovely spring cleaning in the little house on the tree tops . next year he did not come for her . she waited in a new frock because the old one simply would not meet but he never came . perhaps he is ill , michael said . you know he is never ill . michael came close to her and whispered , with a shiver , perhaps there is no such person , wendy . and then wendy would have cried if michael had not been crying . peter came next spring cleaning and the strange thing was that he never knew he had missed a year . that was the last time the girl wendy ever saw him . for a little longer she tried for his sake not to have growing pains and she felt she was untrue to him when she got a prize for general knowledge . but the years came and went without bringing the careless boy and when they met again wendy was a married woman , and peter was no more to her than a little dust in the box in which she had kept her toys . wendy was grown up . you need not be sorry for her . she was one of the kind that likes to grow up . in the end she grew up of her own free will a day quicker than other girls . all the boys were grown up and done for by this time so it is scarcely worth while saying anything more about them . you may see the twins and nibs and curly any day going to an office , each carrying a little bag and an umbrella . michael is an engine driver . slightly married a lady of title , and so he became a lord . you see that judge in a wig coming out at the iron door . that used to be tootles . the bearded man who doesnt know any story to tell his children was once john . wendy was married in white with a pink sash . it is strange to think that peter did not alight in the church and forbid the banns formal announcement of a marriage . years rolled on again , and wendy had a daughter . this ought not to be written in ink but in a golden splash . she was called jane , and always had an odd inquiring look , as if from the moment she arrived on the mainland she wanted to ask questions . when she was old enough to ask them they were mostly about peter pan . she loved to hear of peter , and wendy told her all she could remember in the very nursery from which the famous flight had taken place . it was janes nursery now , for her father had bought it at the three per cents from wendys father , who was no longer fond of stairs . mrs . darling was now dead and forgotten . there were only two beds in the nursery now , janes and her nurses and there was no kennel , for nana also had passed away . she died of old age , and at the end she had been rather difficult to get on with being very firmly convinced that no one knew how to look after children except herself . once a week janes nurse had her evening off and then it was wendys part to put jane to bed . that was the time for stories . it was janes invention to raise the sheet over her mothers head and her own , thus making a tent , and in the awful darkness to whisper what do we see now . i dont think i see anything to night, , says wendy , with a feeling that if nana were here she would object to further conversation . yes , you do , says jane , you see when you were a little girl . that is a long time ago , sweetheart , says wendy . ah me , how time flies . does it fly , asks the artful child , the way you flew when you were a little girl . the way i flew . do you know , jane , i sometimes wonder whether i ever did really fly . yes , you did . the dear old days when i could fly . why cant you fly now , mother . because i am grown up , dearest . when people grow up they forget the way . why do they forget the way . because they are no longer gay and innocent and heartless . it is only the gay and innocent and heartless who can fly . what is gay and innocent and heartless . i do wish i were gay and innocent and heartless . or perhaps wendy admits she does see something . i do believe , she says , that it is this nursery . i do believe it is , says jane . go on . they are now embarked on the great adventure of the night when peter flew in looking for his shadow . the foolish fellow , says wendy , tried to stick it on with soap , and when he could not he cried , and that woke me , and i sewed it on for him . you have missed a bit , interrupts jane , who now knows the story better than her mother . when you saw him sitting on the floor crying , what did you say . i sat up in bed and i said , boy , why are you crying . yes , that was it , says jane , with a big breath . and then he flew us all away to the neverland and the fairies and the pirates and the redskins and the mermaids lagoon , and the home under the ground , and the little house . yes . which did you like best of all . i think i liked the home under the ground best of all . yes , so do i . what was the last thing peter ever said to you . the last thing he ever said to me was , just always be waiting for me , and then some night you will hear me crowing . yes . but , alas , he forgot all about me , wendy said it with a smile . she was as grown up as that . what did his crow sound like . jane asked one evening . it was like this , wendy said , trying to imitate peters crow . no , it wasnt , jane said gravely , it was like this and she did it ever so much better than her mother . wendy was a little startled . my darling , how can you know . i often hear it when i am sleeping , jane said . ah yes , many girls hear it when they are sleeping , but i was the only one who heard it awake . lucky you , said jane . and then one night came the tragedy . it was the spring of the year , and the story had been told for the night , and jane was now asleep in her bed . wendy was sitting on the floor , very close to the fire , so as to see to darn , for there was no other light in the nursery and while she sat darning she heard a crow . then the window blew open as of old , and peter dropped in on the floor . he was exactly the same as ever , and wendy saw at once that he still had all his first teeth . he was a little boy , and she was grown up . she huddled by the fire not daring to move , helpless and guilty , a big woman . hullo , wendy , he said , not noticing any difference , for he was thinking chiefly of himself and in the dim light her white dress might have been the nightgown in which he had seen her first . hullo , peter , she replied faintly , squeezing herself as small as possible . something inside her was crying woman , let go of me . hullo , where is john . he asked , suddenly missing the third bed . john is not here now , she gasped . is michael asleep . he asked , with a careless glance at jane . yes , she answered and now she felt that she was untrue to jane as well as to peter . that is not michael , she said quickly , lest a judgment should fall on her . peter looked . hullo , is it a new one . yes . boy or girl . girl . now surely he would understand but not a bit of it . peter , she said , faltering , are you expecting me to fly away with you . of course that is why i have come . he added a little sternly , have you forgotten that this is spring cleaning time . she knew it was useless to say that he had let many spring cleaning times pass . i cant come , she said apologetically , i have forgotten how to fly . ill soon teach you again . o peter , dont waste the fairy dust on me . she had risen and now at last a fear assailed him . what is it . he cried , shrinking . i will turn up the light , she said , and then you can see for yourself . for almost the only time in his life that i know of , peter was afraid . dont turn up the light , he cried . she let her hands play in the hair of the tragic boy . she was not a little girl heart broken about him she was a grown woman smiling at it all , but they were wet eyed smiles . then she turned up the light , and peter saw . he gave a cry of pain and when the tall beautiful creature stooped to lift him in her arms he drew back sharply . what is it . he cried again . she had to tell him . i am old , peter . i am ever so much more than twenty . i grew up long ago . you promised not to . i couldnt help it . i am a married woman , peter . no , youre not . yes , and the little girl in the bed is my baby . no , shes not . but he supposed she was and he took a step towards the sleeping child with his dagger upraised . of course he did not strike . he sat down on the floor instead and sobbed and wendy did not know how to comfort him , though she could have done it so easily once . she was only a woman now , and she ran out of the room to try to think . peter continued to cry , and soon his sobs woke jane . she sat up in bed , and was interested at once . boy , she said , why are you crying . peter rose and bowed to her , and she bowed to him from the bed . hullo , he said . hullo , said jane . my name is peter pan , he told her . yes , i know . i came back for my mother , he explained , to take her to the neverland . yes , i know , jane said , i have been waiting for you . when wendy returned diffidently she found peter sitting on the bed post crowing gloriously , while jane in her nighty was flying round the room in solemn ecstasy . she is my mother , peter explained and jane descended and stood by his side , with the look in her face that he liked to see on ladies when they gazed at him . he does so need a mother , jane said . yes , i know , wendy admitted rather forlornly no one knows it so well as i . good bye, , said peter to wendy and he rose in the air , and the shameless jane rose with him it was already her easiest way of moving about . wendy rushed to the window . no , she cried . it is just for spring cleaning time , jane said , he wants me always to do his spring cleaning . if only i could go with you , wendy sighed . you see you cant fly , said jane . of course in the end wendy let them fly away together . our last glimpse of her shows her at the window , watching them receding into the sky until they were as small as stars . greendale , va . august . my darling mother words cannot express the joy and gratitude all of us feel that father is really getting well . i shall never forget the miserable time last spring when dr . wright came into the library where helen and nan and lucy and i were sitting and told us of his very serious condition . i had felt he was in a very bad way but did not realize it was quite so dreadful . i am sure you did not , either . and when dr . wright said that you must take him on a long sea voyage and we understood that we were to be left behind , the bottom seemed to drop out of the universe . and now , dear mother , i have a confession to make you took for granted we were going to the springs when we wrote we were to spend the summer in the mountains , and we thought with all the worry you had about father , perhaps it was best to let you go on thinking it . of course you did not dream of the necessity of our doing anything to make money as father had never told you much about his finances . well , mother dear , there was about in the bank in fathers private account . fortunately for the business , which mr . lane and dick have carried on to the best of their ability , there was some more in another account , but we have managed without touching that . i hope i am not going to shock you now , but you shall have to know it  have rented our lovely home , furnished , for six months with privilege of a year , and we have sold the car , dismissed the servants  but susan and oscar , who are up here at greendale with us . this is what might shock you we are running a week end boarding camp here in the mountains and the really shocking part of it is  are making money . it was a scheme that popped into helens head and it seemed such an excellent one that we fell to it , and with dear cousin lizzie somerville chaperoning us and lewis somerville protecting us , we have opened our camp and actually would have to turn away boarders except that the boys are always willing to sleep out of and that makes room for others not so inclined . we see dr . wright quite often . he comes up for the sunday in his car whenever he can spare the time . he has been kindness itself and has helped us over many rough places . there have been times when we have been downhearted and depressed over you and father , and then it has been his office to step in and reassure us that father was really getting better . he and bobby are sworn friends and there is nothing bobby will not do for him  keep himself clean . we are well . indeed , the mountain air has done wonders for all of us . helen is working harder than any of us , but is the picture of health in spite of it . nan is more robust than she has ever been in her life . i think the tendency she has always had to bronchitis has entirely disappeared . dr . wright says it is sleeping out of that has fixed her . lucy has grown two inches , i do believe . she has been very sweet and helpful and as happy as the day is long with her chum lil tate here for the whole summer . mrs . tate brought her up for a week end and the child has been with us now for over two months . we have two boys of fifteen who are here for the summer , too , frank maury and skeeter halsey . they are a great comfort to me as i feel sure lucy and lil will be taken care of by these nice boys . of course , the original idea of our camp was to have only week end boarders , but we find it very nice to have some steadies besides as that means a certain fixed amount of money , but i am not going to let you worry your pretty head about money . we have a perennial guest , also  other than pretty , silly tillie wingo . she came to the opening week end and proved herself to be such a drawing card for the male sex that we decided it would be good business to ask her to visit us indefinitely . it was nans idea . you know tillie well enough to understand that she is always thoroughly good natured and kind without being helpful in any way . all she has to do is look pretty and chatter and giggle . of course she must dance , and she does that divinely . she is a kind of social entertainer , and the number of youths who swarm to week end camp because of her would astonish you . she is certainly worth her keep . here i am touching on finances again when i did not mean to at all . we are so happy at the thought of having you and father with us for the rest of the summer . dr . wright thinks the life here will be almost as good for father as that on shipboard , provided the week enders do not make too much racket for him . if they do , we are to have a tent pitched for him out of ear shot . poor cousin lizzie somerville is very happy over your coming because it will release her . her duties as chaperone have not been very strenuous , but the life up here has been so different from anything she has ever had before that it has been hard on her , i know , harder than she has ever divulged , i am sure . now she can go to her beloved springs and play as many games of cards as she chooses . dr . wright says it would be better for you not to go to richmond at all before coming here , as father might want to go to work again , and it is very important for him to be kept from it for many months yet . he is to meet you in new york and bring you straight to greendale . i can go down to richmond with you after we get father settled here , and we can get what clothes you want for the mountains . we have everything in the way of clothes stored at cousin lizzie somervilles . it is very lovely here at greendale , and i do hope you and father will like it as much as we have . dr . wright will tell you more about it when he meets you in new york on wednesday . i am sending this letter by him as it seems safer than to trust to uncle sam . we only hope the life up here will not be too rough for you . we will do all we can to smooth it for you but a camp is a camp , you know , dear mother . our best love to father . your loving daughter , douglas . chapter ii the return oh , douglas , im all of a tremble . declared helen carter , as she knotted her jaunty scarlet tie and settled her gray felt hat at exactly the proper angle . to think that they are really coming back . i can hardly believe it . the time has gone quickly and still it seems somehow as though we had been living in this camp for ages . i am afraid it will go hard with the poor little mother . cousin lizzie stood it and she is years and years older than mother , and helen looked critically at her dainty nose and rubbed a little powder on it . yes , i know , but cousin lizzie is made of sterner stuff than poor little mumsy . i think that mother is the kind of woman that men would fight to protect but when all is told that cousin lizzie is the kind who would go out and help fight if need be . i can fancy her loading rifles and handing them to the men  so can i , laughed helen , and saying as she loaded to everything there is a season , and a time to every purpose under the heaven a time to kill and a time to heal . i am ashamed of myself  somehow i am glad cousin lizzie did not think it was her duty to defer her going until mother and father got here . she has been splendid and too good to us for anything , but it is a kind of relief for her to be out of the cabin and away before they come , said douglas as she completed her rapid dressing by pulling an old khaki hat down over her rather refractory , if very lovely titian hair . i know just what you mean . i hoped all the time she would realize that the morning train was much the better one for her to get off on , and then she could reach the springs in time for an afternoon game . it was a feeling i had that she might be too critical of poor little mumsy . you see we dont know just how camp life is going to appeal to mumsy , said helen . exactly . it may take her a while to get used to it , and douglas let a little sigh escape her . i wish they could have arrived on any other day than friday . our week ends in august have been so full . i fancy many of the week enders will want to stay on for holidays , too . if it is only not too much for father . dr . wright thinks it wont be . he says noise in the open air is so different from housed noises for nervous persons . a honk from the faithful old mountain goat , a name they had given the ancient ford that bill tinsley had contributed to the camps use , warned them it was time to start for the station . one more dab of powder on helens nose completed her toilet and calling to nan and lucy to pile in , they started their ever perilous descent of the mountain to greendale . bobby , who had been captured by a determined susan and washed and dressed in honor of his returning parents , was occupying the seat of state in joshs cart , clean but indignant at the outrage committed . taint no sense in washin . i mos wisht id been born a pig . if i had , i betcher id a been a pet pig an some fool woman would er wanted to curl my tail and tie a bow round my neck . such pessimism was too much for josh , who shook with laughter as the slab sided mule , josephus , limped cheerfully down the mountain road . to think that mother and father were really coming . the carter girls lined themselves along the little station awaiting the train bearing the beloved passengers . what a healthy looking quartette they were after a whole summer in the open . douglas fair skin was reddened from exposure and her hair showed the lack of care that her mother had always exacted . douglas attached very little importance to her appearance , and was constantly being put to rights by the more correct helen . even now , as they waited for the train , helen was regretting that she had permitted her older sister to wear the very disgraceful looking khaki hat . khaki color is certainly unbecoming to blondes , she thought . i do want douglas to look her best for mother . father will think all of us are beautiful , anyhow , no matter what we wear , and helen could not help a feeling of satisfaction over her own very becoming cold gravy costume with the touch of scarlet at her throat . it had seen much service but still had that unmistakable air of style that was characteristic of all of helen carters belongings . nan was quite robust looking for nan . she had inherited from her mother that soft black hair and those dusky eyes and a complexion of wondrous fairness that is seen sometimes in a rare type of creole beauty . mrs . carters almost angelic beauty was repeated in her daughter in a somewhat more sturdy edition . nans mouth was larger and her eyes not quite so enormous her nose a bit broader at the base and her chin squarer . her attractive countenance showed a mixture of poetic feeling and sturdy common sense with a plentiful seasoning of humor and gave promise of her development into a very enchanting woman . all nan asked of life was plenty of books and time to read them and a cloak of invisibility so that she would not be noticed . she was gradually overcoming the shyness that had always made her think that next to a cloak of invisibility the greatest boon her fairy godmother could grant her would be seven league boots , so that she could get away from all embarrassing persons even if she could not hide from them . the summer of camping had certainly taken from her the look of fragility that had always been a source of uneasiness to her father but which her beautiful mother had rather prided herself on as it was in her eyes a mark of race and breeding . lucy carter , the youngest of the four , was developing rapidly into a very attractive girl . her resemblance to helen was growing more marked , much to her pretended disgust , but to her secret delight . already her long legs had shot her saucy head up to within a level of helens , which made the younger sister ecstatically confident of her equality with the elder , whom in her heart of hearts she considered a paragon of perfection but with whom she was usually on sparring terms . bobby , the idolized little brother , had changed more than any of the carters during that summer . he had lost forever the baby curves and had taken on a lean , wiry spareness . his almost unearthly beauty was gone by reason of a great gap in his face caused by the loss of his first teeth . one permanent tooth had found its way through and , as is the way with the first permanent tooth , seemed very enormous in contrast to the tiny little pearls that had hitherto passed for teeth . his knees were scarred and scratched as were his lean brown legs . two sore toes were tied up in dirty rags , having been ministered to by aunt mandy , the kind old mountain woman who bore the proud distinction in bobbys mind of being the mother of josh the boy and the owner of josephus the mule . i hear the whistle . exclaimed lucy , prancing with excitement . so do i , but it is the saw mill over in the hollow , drawled nan . wont it be terrible if the train is late and all the week enders get here before mother and father . wailed helen . awful . exclaimed douglas . if we can only get them settled in the cabin before the hullabaloo begins , maybe it wont seem so bad to them . i just cant stand it if the camp is going to be too much for father . im most sure he will like it , but its mother who will be the one to kick , said nan . kicking was not a very elegant way to express what no doubt would be the state of mrs . carters mind over the rough camp life . shes a comin now . shouted bobby . i kin hear her a chuggin up grade . listen . this is what she says catch a nigger . catch a nigger . im a comin . im a comin . and the scion of the carter family whistled shrilly through his sparse teeth , an accomplishment that had but recently come to him by reason of his loss . it was the train and on time , which would give the youthful proprietors of the week end boarding camp time to get their invalid father and dainty mother safely stowed away in the cabin before the onrush of harum scarum guests should begin . thank heaven . was the pious ejaculation of the older girls . douglas and helen felt all the qualms and responsibilities that had been theirs on the opening of the camp at the beginning of the summer . it had proved such a success that confidence had come to them , but now that their parents were to join them , although they were very happy at the thought of seeing them , they had grave doubts about the way in which their mother would look upon their venture and about the ability of their father to endure the noise and confusion . dr . wright , who had gone to new york to meet the steamer , got off first , laden with parcels . then came mrs . carter , looking so young and pretty that her daughters felt suddenly very mature . mr . carter followed his wife . he also was laden with bandboxes and bundles , while the grinning porter emerged with some difficulty from under a mass of suitcases , steamer rugs and dress boxes . lewis somerville extricated him in time for him to jump on the departing train as it made its laborious way up the steep grade , still singing the song that bobby had declared it sang catch a nigger . catch a nigger . im a comin . im a comin . my girls . my girls . mrs . carter flew from one to the other like a butterfly who cannot tell which flower to light on , but robert carter dropped his parcels and enfolded all of them in a mighty embrace . how lean and brown he was . on sight he seemed like his old self to helen , who was the first to find her way to his eager arms and the last to leave their encircling shelter . a closer scrutiny of his face , however , told her there was still something wrong . his snap and vim were gone . intelligence shone from his kind blue eyes and his countenance bespoke contentment and happiness , but his old sparkle and alertness were missing . the overworked nerves had lost their elasticity and a certain power that had been a part of robert carter was gone forever . it was the power of leading and directing , taking the initiative . there was something very pathetic about it all , just as though a great general had been reduced to the ranks and must ever after serve as a private . what made it sadder was that he seemed content to follow . someone else must work out the problem of how to keep his expensive family in all the luxuries they had demanded . it was no longer up to him . that was the way his expression impressed helen . she escaped from the others and ran behind the little station . father . father . she sobbed in an agony of love and misery . he is not well yet . he never will be . oh yes , he will , said a quiet , deep voice . it belonged to george wright , who had come around the other side of the waiting room after helping lewis somerville deposit the luggage in joshs cart . he is much better , than i dared dream he would be . you see , he has had only four months and i said all the time it would take a year of rest and maybe more . what makes you think he is still so badly off . dr . wright had a ridiculous notion that he could explain to helen much better her fathers condition if she would only put her head on his shoulder and do her sobbing there , but he buried his hands firmly in his pockets and made no intimation of his idea . he had constantly to take himself to task for forgetting that helen was little more than a child . you must wait , you fool . he would reason with himself . but suppose someone else doesnt wait and she gets snapped up before your eyes  then . but wait he felt he must , and in the meantime helen often felt that his sternness meant disapproval and wondered what she had done to merit it  is , what new thing . of course she always knew she had merited his disapproval by her behavior when he had given the verdict that her father must go off on the voyage for health . and now when he said what makes you think he is still so badly off . he sounded very stern and superior . he seems so  , she faltered . well , who would not be meek with all those parcels . he laughed . your mother had only part of a day in new york , but she bought out the town . im meek myself . the conversation was interrupted by lucy , who was always eager to find out what helen was doing so she could do it too . when she saw her sisters tear stained countenance she bitterly regretted her dry eyes but cry she could not , especially as she did not see anything to cry about . mrs . carter , meanwhile , after flitting from daughter to daughter , had cried out but bobby . where is my precious bobby . here me . said that youngster . we uns aint fur . bobby . bobby . i didnt know you . where are your teeth . why did you have your hair cut so short . my baby , my baby . and the poor little lady enfolded a rather abashed boy in her arms . baby your grandmother . i aint nobodys baby . we uns is dr . wrights shover ceptn when we uns is in the mountings and thin we uns is the spressmans sisterant . we uns . what do you mean , bobby . wailed the mother . i say we uns whenever we uns thinks to do it . thats the way mountingyears talks . robert . robert , look at bobby and listen to him . mr . carter did look at bobby and the remembrance of his own boyhood came back to him and he laughed as he seldom did now a . well , bless my soul , what a great big son i have got . and he slapped bobby on the back . i fancy you are too big to kiss , you rascal . i aint too big to kiss if you uns comes behind the station where joshn josephus cant see us , and bobby led his willing parent behind the station where helen had gone to shed a bitter tear and where dr . wright had discovered her and where lucy had discovered them . oh , shucks . theys too many folks here , he declared . will all of you please step out of the way . begged mr . carter . bobby has an important thing to discuss with me and we should like the back of the station to ourselves for a moment . left alone , the big man held his little son tight in his arms and in spite of bobbys boasted manhood he was very happy to be once more hugged and kissed by his father . dr . wright smiled into helens reddened eyes and said bobby will do more for your father than anyone else now . if he can be a boy again he will get entirely well . the many parcels were at last stowed away in the cart and josh clucked sadly to josephus . i reckon bobbys done left us all , now that his paw is come , he said sadly to the sympathetic mule . but bobby came running after him . hi there . wait , josh . father says he would sooner trust his bones to us than that old tin lizzie . youn himn me can squzzle in on the front seat . sho we kin . declared the delighted josh . he hadnt lost an old friend after all , but gained a new one . mr . carter proved even more agreeable to the little mountain boy than his idol , lewis somerville . he had such wonderful things to tell of ships and things and seemed to understand a boy so well . mr . somerville was right strict with a fellow , expecting him to be clean all the time and never forget , but somehow , mr . carter was a little easier . you are frightfully burned , douglas , complained mrs . carter as they finally got themselves stowed away in the faithful mountain goat . i cant see why you do not protect your skin . your neck will take months to recover from such a tanning . well , i dont think that will make much difference , laughed douglas . i fancy it will be many a day before i go dcollet . i dont see that . if you are not going to college , i see no reason why you should not make your debut next winter . douglas looked at her mother in amazement . could it be that even now she did not understand . she said nothing , feeling that it would be wiser to wait until she and her mother were alone . never having economized in her life , mrs . carter did not know the meaning of the word . the many parcels that were borne from the train gave douglas a faint feeling . had her mother been buying things in new york . i brought you a perfect love of a hat , darling , mrs . carter chattered on , but of course you shall have to bleach up a bit for it to be becoming to you . i did not dream you were so burned or i should not have selected such pale trimmings . i have a delightful plan . since you are to come out next winter , i think a fortnight at the white in late august would be charming  you that poise that debutantes so often lack . we can leave the children with your father and go together  but , mother  oh , we shant go quite yet . i know you want to see your father for a few days before you leave him even for a fortnight . douglas was speechless nan , who was crowded in by her , gave her a sympathetic squeeze . it is lovely to be with my girls again , the little lady bubbled on . of course your letter was a great surprise to me , douglas . the idea of my children making money . and she gave a silvery laugh . i am delighted that you have , because now no doubt your coming out will be even more delightful than i had anticipated . of course those persons who are in our house in richmond will simply have to get out . but , mother  simply have to  can a girl come out suitably unless she is in her own home . chapter iii the problem the cabin was looking very sweet and fresh after a thorough cleaning from the willing hands of susan , who was in a state of bliss because her beloved mistress was returning . gwen had found some belated cherokee roses and with a few sprays of honeysuckle added had glorified the plain room . you think miss lizzie somerville is elgant . well , you jes oughter see my missis . she is the mos elgantes lady in the whole er richmond . i bet mis carter aint never in all her life done a hans turn . gawd knows what she gonter say bout these here young ladies er hern workin like they was in service , susan remarked to the little english gwen , who had done many a hands turn herself and still had an elegance all her own , so evident that the colored servants recognized her as a lady bawn . i think it is very wonderful that the carter girls should be able to work so well when they have never been brought up to it , said gwen as she hung the last freshly laundered sash curtain . thats they paw in em , declared susan . he is the wuckinest gemman i ever seed . taint nothin he wont turn his han ter . he dont never set back and holler fer help when he wants the fire fixed er sech like . nom , he jes jumps up an waits on hisself . sometimes he used ter git mis carter kinder put out cause hed even do his own reaching at the table . miss douglas is the spittin image of him . none of the gals favors her much cep miss nan . she looks like her but she aint so langrous like when theys work on hand . miss helen is the same kind er spender as her maw . i believe my soul them two would ruther buy than eat . cook used ter say that mis carter an miss helen spent like we done come to the millionennium . great gawd . here they is an i aint got on my clean apron . thats one thing that mis carterll certainly git cross over  . she did not , however . too pleased to see the faithful susan , mrs . carter overlooked the doubtful apron . what a charming room . is this where i am to be . and you girls in the tents beyond . and bobby  does bobby sleep . he is with lewis somerville and his friend , bill tinsley . i believe he wrote you about bill , said helen , young man who was shipped from west point when lewis was . oh yes , i remember . i am glad to see you have not let yourself run down like douglas , my dear . your hair looks well kept and your complexion is perfect . douglas , much perturbed over her mothers plans , had rushed off to be alone for a moment to compose herself . but , mother , i dont burn like douglas , and then douglas hair is so lovely it doesnt make any difference what she does to it . mine must be well kept to pass muster . i hope you are not going to find it too rough here for you , mumsy , and helen put a protecting arm around the little mother , who was more like a sister , and a younger one at that , than a mother to these great girls . oh , i think it is delightful for a while . of course i have been on shipboard so long that i really am longing for some society . did you hear me tell douglas what my plan is for her and me . i should like to include you , too , but perhaps it would be best for you to wait a year . no , i did not hear you see the car is such a noisy one that one never can hear . what is your plan . i want to take douglas to the white for several weeks preparatory to her making her debut this winter . debut . gasped helen . white sulphur . certainly , why not . but , mother , we havent money for clothes and things . nonsense . our credit is perfectly good . i fancy there is not a man in richmond who has paid his bills so regularly as robert carter , and now that he is not able to work for a few months i feel sure there is not a single tradesman with whom we have always dealt who would not be more than pleased to have us on his books for any amount . i wanted to charge a lot of things i thought we needed , but douglas just wouldnt have it . she never does realize the importance of clothes . i dont mean to criticize douglas , she is wonderful , but she is careless about clothes . well , i shall put a stop to that , now that i am back with my children . your father is so much better i can give my time to other things now . how exciting it will be to have a daughter in society . i never did want douglas to go to college . what made her give it up . she never did say what her reason was . letters are very unsatisfactory things when one is on shipboard . it was money , of course , said helen . there was no money for college . oh , to be sure . i forgot that college takes cash . well , i am heartily glad she has given it up . i think college girls get too independent . i am dying to show you my purchases in new york . i am dying to see them , too , but , mumsy , i shall have to leave you now and run and do a million things . we have a great crowd of week enders coming up on the late train . cant susan attend to the things . oh , susan does a lot , but i am the chief cook and douglas is the brains of the concern and looks after all the money and does the buying . nan attends to all the letter writing , and you would be astonished to see how much she has to do because we have showers of mail about board . lucy sees to the setting of the tables , and all of us do everything that turns up to be done . even bobby helps . how ridiculous . well , take care of your hands , darling . i hate to see a girl with roughened hands . there is simply no excuse for it . helen was dazed by her mothers attitude . she is just presenting a duck back to trouble , thought the girl , looking rather ruefully at her shapely hands which were showing the inevitable signs of work . she found douglas sitting in a forlorn heap in their tent . her countenance was the picture of woe . helen . helen . what are we to do . well , it wouldnt be so bad to take a trip to the white , and you certainly deserve a change . poor mumsy , too , is bored to death with such a long sea trip and she needs some society . but , honey , the money . oh , i dont see that we need worry so about that . mother says that there is not a tradesman in richmond who would not be pleased to have us on his books for any amount . i , for one , am longing for some new clothes . i dont mind a bit working and cooking , but i do think i need some new things  as for you  , douglas , you are a perfect rag bag . douglas looked at her sister in amazement . the lesson , then , was not learned yet . she had thought that helen understood about the necessity of making no bills as the bills were what had helped to reduce their father to this state of invalidism , but here she was falling into the mothers way of thinking  to plunge into debt to any amount . but dr . wright  oh , always dr . wright . but , helen , you know you like dr . wright now and you must trust him . so i do . i like him better and trust him entirely and he himself told me at the station that father was getting well fast . he said it would take a little more time but that he would be perfectly well again  least that is what i gathered . i know father would be the last man in the world to want his girls to go around looking like ash cats and you know it would make him ill indeed to think that mother wanted to go to white sulphur for a while and could not go because of lack of money . of course it would , but surely neither you nor mother would tell him that she wanted to go if you know there is no money to pay for such a trip . but there is money . exclaimed helen with some asperity . you told me yourself that the camp was paying well enough for us to begin to have quite a bank account . yes  well now , if we have some money you must think that i have helped to earn it . why , helen dear , you have done more than any of us . you are so capable  i dont say i have done more , no one could have worked harder than you have  fact , everybody has worked , but if i have done my share of the work , then i am certainly entitled to my share of the money and i intend to take my share and send mother to white sulphur for a change . of course you will simply have to go with her as she has set her heart on it . i will not , announced douglas , her girlish face taking on stern determination . a shout from bobby heralded the arrival of josephus with the luggage . the discussion ended for the time being as douglas and helen were both needed to prepare for the inroad of week enders that were to arrive in a few minutes . mr . carter alighted from the cart , already looking better . he was most enthusiastic over the camp and all of its arrangements . i am going to be your handy man , he said , putting his arm around douglas . are you well , honey . you look bothered . oh yes , i am as well as can be , said douglas , trying to smooth her wrinkled brow . how she did want to talk all the troubles over with her father , but he of all persons must not be bothered . the old habit of going to him with every worry was so strong that it was difficult to keep from doing it now , but she bit her lips and held it in . ill tell lewis , she thought . he will at least sympathize . what was she to do about her mother and helen . they seemed to have no more gumption about money than the birds . even then parcels were being carried into the cabin from the cart that must have meant much money spent in new york . where did mother get it . the rent from the house in town had been sent to mrs . carter for running expenses on shipboard and hotels at the many places where they had stopped , but that must have gone for the trip . could she have charged the purchases in new york . poor douglas . she had felt that the problem of making her sisters see the necessity of economizing had been a great one , but she realized that it was nothing to what she must face now . she felt that all her former arguments had been in vain since helen was dropping into her mothers habit of thought and upholding that charming butterfly like person in all her schemes of extravagance . lucy was sure to follow helens lead and begin to demand clothes , treats , trips and what not . nan , dear sensible , unselfish nan , would be the only one who would sympathize with her older sister in regard to the necessity of continuing the strict economy they had practiced since early in may , when dr . wright had declared that the only thing that would save their fathers reason was an immediate change , a long rest and complete cessation of all business worries . nans tastes were simple , but she had a passion for color and beautiful textiles and sometimes indulged that taste in adorning her dainty little person . as a rule , however , she was quite satisfied to behold the color in a persian rug or the wings of a butterfly . beauty was to the girl the most important thing in life whether it was of line , color , sound or idea . she was perfectly happy with a good book and a comfortable place in which to curl up . her fault was laziness , a certain physical inertia which her indulgent mother always attributed to her delicate constitution but the summer in the mountains with the enforced activity had proven that the delicate constitution was due to the inertia and not the inertia to the delicate constitution . up to that time in her life there had been no especial reason for exerting herself , but nan was very unselfish and when she realized that her sisters were one and all busying themselves , she threw off her lazy habits as she would an ugly robe , and many tasks at week end camp fell to her share . douglas , in this trouble that had arisen , felt that she could go to nan for comfort and advice . nans mind was as normally active as her graceful little body was inactive and she had a faculty of seeing her way through difficulties that the conscientious but more slowly thinking douglas much envied her . nan , its fifteen minutes before train time when the week enders will come piling in  dying to have a talk with you . well , dont die  talk , drawled nan , looking up from her book but never stopping turning the crank of the mayonnaise mixer . this was a job nan loved , making mayonnaise . she had gotten it down to a fine art since she could mix and read at the same time . she declared it was a plain waste of time to use your hands without using your head and since turning a mayonnaise mixer crank required no intelligence beyond that of seeing that the funnel was filled with olive oil , she was able to indulge in her passion for poetry while she was making the quarts of mayonnaise that the young housekeepers dealt out so generously to their week enders . listen to this . and nan turned the crank slowly while she read alas for all high hopes and all desires . like leaves in yellow autumn time they fall  alas for prayers and psalms and loves pure fires  one silence and one darkness ends them all . the crank stopped and all of the oil flowed through the funnel while nan softly turned the leaves of marstons last harvest . yes , honey , it is beautiful , but you had better read a livelier form of verse or your salad dressing will go back on you . heavens , you are right . ive got barrack room ballads here ready in case i get to dawdling , laughed nan . i want to talk about something very important , nan . can you turn your crank and listen . yes , indeed , but youll have to talk fast or else ill get to poking again . you see , i have to keep time . so douglas rapidly repeated the conversations she had with her mother and later with helen . what are we to do . must i tell dr . wright . i am afraid to get them started for fear father will be mixed up in it . he must not know mother wants to go to white sulphur  would be sure to say let her go and then he would try to work again before he is fit for it , and he would certainly get back into the same state he was in last spring . poor little mumsy . i was sure she would not understand , and once more the mixer played a sad measure . i was afraid she wouldnt , sighed douglas , but i did think helen had been taught a lesson and realized the importance of our keeping within our earnings and saving something , too , for winter . helen  , she is too young for the lesson she learned to stick . she is nothing but a child . is that so , grandmother . laughed douglas , amused in spite of her trouble at nans ancient wisdom nan being some two years younger than helen . why , douglas , helen has just been play acting at being poor . she has no idea of its being a permanency , and nan filled the funnel again with oil and began to turn her crank with vigor . but what are we to do . i am not going to white sulphur and i am not going to make my debut  sure . i have never disobeyed mother that i can remember , but this time i shall have to . i dont know what i am to say about the trip to the white . helen is saying she has helped to earn the money and she means to spend her share giving poor mumsy a little fun after her tiresome long journey on the water . i wish we had never told her we were able to put something in the bank last month . it was precious little and helens share would not keep them at white sulphur more than two or three days . helen thinks i am stingy and mother thinks i am stubborn and ugly and sunburned  theres the train with all the week enders and poor douglas gave a little sob . and i have turned my wheel until this old mayonnaise is done  look how beautiful it is . and you , poor old doug , must just leave it to me , and ill think up something to keep them here if i have to break out with smallpox and get them quarantined on the mountain . oh , nan . is there some way out of it without letting father know that mother wants something and cannot have it for lack of money . sure there is . you go powder your nose and put on a blue linen blouse and give a few licks to your pretty hair while i hand over the mayonnaise to gwen and see that lucy has counted noses for the supper tables . ive almost got a good reason already for mumsys staying here aside from the lack of tin , but i must get it off to her with great finesse . i knew you would help . and douglas gave her little sister and the mayonnaise bowl an impartial hug , and then hastened to make herself more presentable , hoping to find favor in the eyes of her fastidious mother . chapter iv robert carters astonishing girls august , the month for holidays , was bringing much business to the proprietresses of week end camp . such a crowd came swarming up the mountain now that lucy , who had set the tables with the assistance of her chum , lil tate , and the two sworn knights , skeeter halsey and frank maury , and had carefully counted noses according to the calculations nan had made from the applications she had received , had to do it all over to make room for the unexpected guests . just kilt plait the places , suggested lil . if they keep on coming well have to accordeon plait em , laughed lucy . gee , im glad your eats dont land in your elbows . from skeeter . me , too . exclaimed frank . miss helen tipped me a wink that theres brunswick stew made out of the squirrels we got yesterday . and there is sho no elbow room at these tables . look at em swarming up the mountain . where do you reckon theyll sleep . asked lil . have to roost in the trees . i bet more than half of them didnt bring their blankets , hazarded lucy . yes , thats the way they do , these town fellows , said skeeter , forgetting that he too had been a town fellow only a few weeks before that time . the summer in the mountains was doing wonders for these youngsters . sleeping in the open had broadened their chests . they were wiry and tanned and every day brought some new delightful duty that was never called a duty and so was looked upon by all of them as a great game . theirs was the task of foraging for the camp , and no small job was it to find chickens and vegetables and fruit for the hungry hordes that sought the week end camp for holiday and recreation . they had found their way to many a remote mountain cabin and engaged all chickens hatched and unhatched . they had spread the good news among the natives that blackberries , huckleberries , peaches , apples , pears and plums were in demand at their camp . eggs were always needed . little wild eyed, , tangled haired children would come creeping from the bushes , like so many timid rabbits , bringing their wares sometimes a bucket of dewberries or some wild plums sometimes honey from the wild bees , dark and strong and very sweet , bumblebee honey , skeeter called it . all was grist that came to the mill of the week enders . no matter how much was provided , there was never anything to speak of left over . these hyar white folks is same as chickens , grumbled old oscar . theys got no notion of quittin slong as theys any corn lef on the groun . they sho kin eat , agreed susan , but miss douglas an miss helen done said we mus fill em up and thats what we is hyar fur . the above is a conversation that , with variations , occurred during almost every meal at the camp . oscar and susan , the faithful servants the carters had brought from richmond , were proving more and more efficient now that the first sting of the country was removed and camp life had become a habit with them . they were creatures of habit and imbued with the notion that what was good enough for white folks was good enough for them . their young mistresses were contented with the life in the camp , so they were , too . their young mistresses were not above doing any work that came to hand , so they , too , must be willing to do what fell to their lot . susan forgot the vows she had so solemnly sworn when she became a member of the housemaids league , to do housework and nothing else . she argued that a camp wasnt a house and she could do what she chose . oscar had , while in town , held himself above any form of labor not conducive to the dignity of a butler serving for many years in the best families . but if mr . lewis somerville and mr . bill tinsley , both of them belonging to fust famblies , could skin squirrels , why then , he , oscar , must be a sport and skin them , too . these week ends in august were hard work for all concerned and now there was talk of some of the guests staying over for much longer and spending two weeks with them . that meant no cessation of fillin em up . previous to this time , monday had been a blessed day for all the camp , boarders gone and time to take stock and rest , but now there was to be no let up in the filling process . susan , for the time completely demoralized by the return of her beloved mistress , had left her work to whomsoever it might concern and had constituted herself ladys maid for mrs . carter . she unpacked boxes and parcels , hovering over the pretty things purchased in new york she fetched and carried for that dainty lady , ignoring completely the steady stream of week enders climbing up the mountain or being carried up by the faithful and sturdy mountain goat , with the silent bill as chauffeur . helen had reluctantly torn herself from the delectable boxes and parcels and was busily engaged in concocting a wonderful potato salad , something she always attended to herself . gwen was making batter bread after having put to rise pan after pan of rolls . oscar had begun to fry the apples , a dish ever in demand at camp . the brunswick stew had been safely deposited in the fireless cooker early in the day and all was going well . there . exclaimed helen , putting the finishing touch to the last huge bowl of salad and stepping back to admire her handiwork . that substantial salad unites beauty and utility . it sho do , miss helen , it sho do . declared oscar , adroitly turning his apples just as they reached the proper stage of almost and not quite being candied . theys nothin like tater salid fer contitutioning a foumdation stone on which to build fillin victuals . its mo satisfying to my min than the staft of life itself . all i is a hopin is that they wont lick the platter befo i gits to it . you are safe there , oscar , as i made this extra dishful to be kept back so you and susan will be sure to get some . susan , indeed . sniffed her fellow servant . she aint called on to expect no favors at yo han . to be foun by the wayside , a fallin down wantin jes at this crucible moment . i think she is helping mother . then is got nothin to say  i low she helpin yo maw with one han an susan jourdan with yudder . mr . carter and dr . wright looked into the kitchen a moment . dr . wright had been showing his patient over the camp , as all of the daughters were occupied . mr . carter was delighted with the arrangements and amazed at the scope of the undertaking . could this be his helen , the queen of the kitchen , attending to the preparation of this great quantity of food . he never remembered before seeing helen do any more strenuous work than play a corking good game of tennis , and here she was handling a frying pan with the same skill with which she had formerly handled a racquet , looking after the apples while oscar cracked ice and carried up into the pavilion the great pitchers of cold tea destined to quench the thirst of the week enders . helen was looking wholly lovely in her becoming bungalow apron , with her flushed cheeks and hair a bit dishevelled from the hurry of getting things done without the assistance of the capable susan . robert carter looked in amazement at the great bowls of potato salad and the pans of rolls , being taken from the oven to make room for other pans . in heavens name , what is all this food for . he asked , laughing . have you seen the week enders swarming up the mountain . why yes , but they couldnt eat all this . dont you fool yourself . and helen gave her dear father a fried apple hug . she was very happy . the beloved parents were back with them . dr . wright assured her that her father was improving . the camp had been her very own idea and it was successful . they were making money and she was going to take her share of the profits and give her mother a trip . she , helen carter , only eighteen , could do all of this . she had no idea what the profits amounted to , but nan and douglas had only the week before congratulated themselves that they were putting more money in the bank than they were drawing out . she cared nothing for money in the bank except as a means of gratifying the ones she loved . the poor little mumsy had been shut up on shipboard for months and surely she deserved some recreation . she was astonished at douglas for being so stingy . it was plain stinginess that would make her think more of having some paltry savings than of wanting to give to their charming , beautiful little mother her hearts desire , so helen thought . dr . wright was smiling on her , too . he seemed to think she was a very remarkable girl , at least that was what one might gather from his expression as he stood by the kitchen and gazed in through the screening at the bright eyed, , eager young cook . where are the other girls . asked mr . carter . oh , they have a million things to do . we always divide up and spread ourselves over the whole camp when the train gets in . lucy has just finished setting the tables , and that is some job , i can tell you , but lil tate and frank skeeter always help . nan has been making mayonnaise enough to run us over sunday , and now she has gone with douglas to receive the week enders and show them their tents and cots . douglas is the great chief  does all the buying and supervising , looks after the comfort of the week enders and sees that everything is kept clean and sanitary . nan writes all the letters , and believe me , that is no little task . she also makes the mayonnaise and helps me here in the kitchen when i need her , but gwen is my right hand man . but what am i thinking of . you havent even met gwen . the young english girl was looking shyly at the big man and thinking what she would give to have her own father back again . dr . wright had told mr . carter of gwen and her romantic history , how helen had found the wallet in the scrub oak tree containing all of the dead englishmans papers , of old abner deans perfidy in taking the land from gwen when the receipt had not been found , although the child was sure her father had paid for the side of the mountain before he had built his cabin there . mr . carter had been greatly interested in the recital and now his kind friendliness brought a mist to the eyes of the girl . i am very glad to know you , my dear . dr . wright has told me of you and now i hope to be numbered among your friends . gwen looked so happy and grateful that helen had to give her father one more fried apple hug before she pushed him out of the kitchen to make room for the important ceremony of dishing up supper . where did i ever get them , doctor , these girls . why , they are perfect bricks . to think of my little helen forgetting the polish on her fingernails and actually cooking . i dont see where they came from . it was rather wonderful and george wright was somewhat at a loss himself to account for them as he watched the dainty mother of the flock trip lightly across the rough mountain path connecting the cabin with the pavilion . robert carter himself had character enough to go around , but when one considered that his character had been alloyed with hers to make this family it was a wonder that they had that within them that could throw off tradition and environment as they had done and undertake this camp that was proving quite a stupendous thing for mere girls . well , dr . wright , trilled mrs . carter , isnt this a delightful adventure for my girls to have amused themselves with . the girl of the day is certainly an enterprising person . of course a thing like this must not be carried too far , as there is danger of their forgetting their mission in life . and that mission is  . being ornaments of society , of course , laughed the little lady . mrs . carter had long ago overcome the fear she had entertained for the young physician . he had been so unfailingly kind to her and his diagnosis of her husbands case had been so sure and his treatment so exactly right that she could have nothing but liking and respect for him . she even forgave him the long exile he had subjected her to on that stupid ship . it had cured her robert and she was willing to have cut herself off from society for those months if by doing so she had contributed to the well being of her husband . she had been all devotion and unselfishness in the first agony of his illness . the habits of her lifetime had been seemingly torn up by the roots and from being the spoiled and petted darling she had turned into the efficient nurse . as his health returned , however , it had been quite easy to slip back into her former place of being served instead of serving . it was as much robert carters nature to serve as it was hers to be served . the habits had not been torn up by the roots , after all , but only been trimmed back , and now they were sprouting out with added vigor from their pruning . very lovely the little lady looked in her filmy lace dress . her charming face , framed by its cloud of blue black hair , showed no trace of having gone through the anxiety of a severe illness of one whom she loved devotedly . nothing worried her very long and she had the philosophy of a young child , taking no thought of the yesterdays or of the morrows . dr . wright looked on her in amazement . her speaking of the camp as an adventure chosen by the girls as something with which to amuse themselves would have been laughable had it not been irritating to the young man . and now , forsooth , their business in life was to become ornaments of society . humph . was all he said , although he had to turn on his heel and walk off to keep from asserting that their mission in life should be to become useful members of society . he had a dread of appearing priggish , however , and then this was helens mother and he wanted to do nothing to mar in any way the friendship that had sprung up between that elusive young person and himself . where are all the children , robert . asked mrs . carter , wondering in her well bred mind why dr . wright should be so brusque . there arent any children , annette , sighed mr . carter , but i shouldnt sigh but be glad and happy . why , they are perfect wonders . helen is in the kitchen , not eating bread and honey , but cooking and bossing , and all the other girls are flying around taking care of the boarders . boarders . oh , robert , what a name to call them . i cant contemplate it . who are all those people i saw coming up the road . they are the boarders . not all that crowd . i thought they had only a select few . no , indeed , they take all that come and i can tell you they have made the place very popular . i did not know they had it in them . i believe it was a good thing i went off my hooks for a while , as it has brought out character in my girls that i did not dream they had . it seems hardly ladylike for them to be so  at running a boarding place . i wonder what people will say . why they will say hurrah for the carter girls . at least , that is what the worth while people will say . well , if you think it all right , i know it must be , sighed the poor little lady , but somehow i think it would be much better for them to have visited cousin elizabeth somerville until we got back or had her visit them in richmond . i dont at all approve of their renting my house . douglas is so coarsened by this living out of . she has the complexion that must be guarded very carefully or she will lose her beauty very early . i think the summer before a girl makes her debut should be spent taking care of her complexion . robert carter laughed . he was always intensely amused by his wifes outlook on life and society and looked upon it as one of her girlish charms . common sense had not been what made him fall in love with her twenty years before , so the lack of it did not detract in any way from his admiration of her in these latter years . she was what she had always been beautiful , graceful , sweet , charming made to be loved , served and spoiled . where is bobby . he , at least , cannot be busy with these awful boarders . bobby . why , he is now engaged in helping josh , the little mountain boy who is serving as expressman for the girls , to curry josephus , the mule . these boarders are not awful , my dear . you will find many acquaintances among them . jeffry tucker came with his two girls , the twins , and a friend of theirs from milton , page allison is her name . there are several others whom you will be glad to see , i know . i think it would be well for us to go up in the pavilion where they dine and then dance , and you can receive them there as they arrive . mrs . carter patted her creamy lace dress with a satisfied feeling that she was looking her best . it was a new creation from a most exclusive shop in new york  expensive , but then she had absolutely no new clothes for perfect ages and since the proprietor of the shop had been most pleased to have her open an account with him , the price of the gown was no concern of hers . it set off her pearly skin and dusky hair to perfection . she was glad jeffry tucker was at the camp . he was a general favorite in richmond society and his being there meant at least that her girls had not lessened themselves in the eyes of the elite . surely he would not bring his daughters to this ridiculous camp unless he felt that it would do nothing toward lowering their position . the pretty , puzzled lady took her place at one end of the great long dining pavilion as the week enders swarmed up the steps , attracted hither by the odor of fried apples and hot rolls that was wafted oer the mountainside . chapter v the tuckers there had been general rejoicing at week end camp when nan had announced that jeffry tucker and his daughters were to come up for a short stay . the tuckers were great favorites and were always received with open arms at any place where fun was on foot . mr . tucker had written for accommodations for himself and daughters and their friend , miss allison . no one would have been more astonished than jeffry tucker , the father of the heavenly twins , at the kind of reputation he had with a society woman of mrs . carters standing . for her to think that his bringing his daughters to the camp meant that he considered it to their social advantage  least not to their social detriment  have convulsed that gentleman . he thought no more of the social standing of his daughters virginia and caroline than he did of the fourth dimension . he came to the camp and brought his daughters and page allison just because he heard it was great fun . he had known robert carter all his life and admired and liked him . his daughters had gone to the kindergarten and dancing school with douglas and helen and when rumor had it that these girls were actually making a living with week end boarders at a camp in albemarle , why it was the most natural thing in the world for the warm hearted jeffry tucker immediately to write for tent room for his little crowd . i hope my readers are glad to see the tuckers and page allison . the fact of the business is that they are a lively lot and it is difficult to keep them in the pages of their own books . they might have stayed safely there had not the carter girls started this venture in the mountains . that was too much for them . zebedee had promised tweedles again and again to take them camping , and since what they did page must do too , of course she was included in the promise . this is not their own camp and not their own book but here they are in it . douglas carter , we think you are the smartest person that ever was . enthused dum tucker as douglas showed them to their tent where three other girls were to sleep , too . isnt this just too lovely . im not smart , its helen who thought up this plan , insisted douglas . we are so glad you have come and we do hope you will like it . like it . we are wild about it , cried dee , and page allison was equally enthusiastic . where is helen . demanded dum . she is chief cook and cant make her appearance until she has put the finishing touches to supper . does she really cook , herself . cried dee . how grand . sometimes she cooks herself , drawled nan , coming into the tent to see the tuckers , who were great favorites with her , too , sometimes when we get out of provisions , which we are liable to do now as six persons have come who had not written me for accommodations . mother and father got here from a long trip this afternoon , explained douglas , and we are so upset over seeing them that we are rather late . helen usually does all she has to do before the week enders come . let us help . begged dee . dum and i can do lots of stunts , and page here is a wonderful pie slinger . well , we would hardly press miss allison into service when she has just arrived , smiled douglas . please , dont miss allison me . im just page and my idea of camping is cooking , so if i can help , let me , and page , who had said little up to that time , spoke with such genuine frankness that douglas and nan felt somehow that a new friend had come into their circle . well call on all three of you if we need you , promised douglas , hastening off with nan to see that other guests had found their tents and had what they wanted in the way of water and towels . isnt this great . said dee . im so glad zebedee thought of coming . i think douglas carter looks healthy but awful bothered , somehow . i thought so , too . im afraid her father is not so well or something . think of helen carters cooking . wondered dum . why shouldnt she . asked page . is she so superior . no , not that , tweedled the twins . helens fine but so  . mrs . carter is charming but she is one butterfly and we always rather expected helen to be just like her  sense than her mother , but dressy , continued dee . you will know what mrs . carter is , just as soon as you look at her hands , declared dum . if the lilies of the field were blessed with hands they would look exactly like mrs . carters . well , come lets find zebedee . i smelt apples frying , and the three friends made their way to the pavilion where mrs . carter was receiving the week enders with all the charm and ceremony she might have employed at a daughters debut party . her reception of the tuckers was warm and friendly . it had been months since she had seen anyone who moved in her own circle and now there were many questions to ask of richmond society . jeffry tucker , who could make himself perfectly at home with any type , now laid himself out to be pleasant to his hostess . he told her all the latest news of franklin street and recounted the gossip that had filtered back from white sulphur and warm springs . he turned himself into a society column and announced engagements and rumors of engagements who was at the beach and who was at the mountains . he even made a stagger at the list of debutantes for the ensuing winter . i mean that douglas shall come out next winter , too , said the little lady during the supper that followed . nan , seeing that her mother was having such a pleasant time with the genial jeffry tucker , arranged to have the tuckers placed at the table that had been set aside for their mother and father . the carter girls made it a rule to scatter themselves through the crowd the better to look after the hungry and see that no ones wants were unsatisfied . ah , is that so . i had an idea she was destined for college . it seems to me that tweedles told me she had passed her bryn mawr exams . so she did , but i am glad to say she has given up all idea of that foolishness . i am very anxious for her to make her debut . nan , who was making the rounds of the various tables to see that everyone was served properly , overheard her mothers remark and glanced shyly at mr . tucker . she caught his eye unwittingly but there was something in the look that he gave her that made her know he understood the whole situation and was in sympathy with douglas , who was very busy at the next table helping hungry week enders to the rapidly disappearing potato salad . there was a rather pathetic droop to douglas young shoulders as though the weight of the universe were getting a little too much for her . mr . tucker looked from her to robert carter who seemed to be accepting things as he found them with an astonishing calmness . he was certainly a changed man . remembering him as a person of great force and energy , who always took the initiative when any work was to be done or question decided , his old friend wondered at his almost flabby state . here he was calmly letting his silly wife , because silly she seemed to jeffry tucker , although charming and even lovable , put aside his daughters desires for an education and force her into society . he could see it all with half an eye and what he could not see for himself the speaking countenance of the third carter , nan , was telling him as plainly as a countenance could . he determined to talk with the girl as soon as supper was over and see if he could help her in some way , how , he did not know , but he felt that he might be of some use . the supper was a very merry one in spite of the depression that had seized poor douglas . she tried not to let her gloom permeate those around her . helen was in a perfect gale and the tucker twins took their cue from her and the ball of good humored repartee was tossed back and forth . tillie wingo was resplendent in a perfectly new dancing frock . the beaux buzzed around her like bees around a honey pot . the silent bill tinsley kept on saying nothing but his calf eyes were more eloquent than any words . he had fallen head over heels in love with the frivolous tillie from the moment she offered to tip him on the memorable occasion of her first visit to the camp . lewis somerville , usually with plenty to say for himself , was almost as silent as his chum , bill . it seemed as though douglas low spirits had affected her cousin . what is it , douglas . he whispered , as he took the last plate of salad from her weary hand . you look all done up . are you sick . no , indeed . nothing . when the animals have finished feeding , i want to talk to you . can you give me a few minutes . why , of course , lewis , as many as you want . douglas and lewis had been friends from the moment they had met . that had been some eighteen years before when douglas had been crawling on the floor , not yet trusting to her untried legs , and lewis , just promoted from skirts to breeches , had proudly paraded up and down in front of his baby cousin . there never had been a problem in douglas life that she had not discussed with her friend , but she felt a delicacy in talking about this trouble that had arisen on her horizon because it would mean a certain criticism of both her mother and sister . walk after supper . bill whispered to tillie . something to say . tillie nodded an assent . supper over , the tables and chairs were piled up in a twinkling and the latest dance record put on the victrola . why , this is delightful . exclaimed mrs . carter , looking around for mr . tucker to come claim her for the first dance , but she saw that gentleman disappearing over the mountainside with nan . nan is entirely too young for such nonsense . she exclaimed with some asperity , but partners were forthcoming a plenty so she was soon dancing like any girl of eighteen , while her indulgent husband smoked his pipe and looked contentedly on . susan and oscar washed the dishes with more rattling than usual as oscar had much grumbling in store for the delinquent susan . wherefo you done lef yo wuck to miss helen . is a helpin mis carter . she kep me a openin boxes an hangin up things . i knowed miss helen wouldnt min . she thinks her maw oughter have what she wants . i done heard her tell miss douglas that she means to see her maw has her desires fulfilled . sounded mos lak quallin the way the young missises was a talkin . well , all i got to say is that mis carter aint called on to git any mo waitin on than the young ladies . theys as blue blooded as what she is an even mo so as they is got all the blood shes got an they paws beside . i bet she aint goin to tun a han to fill any of these folks up . there she is now a dancin round like a teetotaller a helpin the boarders to shake down they victuals . ill be boun some of these here hungarians will be empty befo bed time . chapter vi postprandial conversations it was a wonderful night . the sun had set in a glory of clouds while oscar was still endeavoring to fill em up . the moon was full and round as the shield of my fathers . it was very warm with not a breeze stirring . jeffry tucker drew nan down on the first fallen log they came to out of reach of the noise from the pavilion . it is fine to be able to leave the city for a while , he said , drawing in deep breaths of mountain air . and now , miss nan carter , i want you to tell me what was the reason for the s . o . s . that you sent out to me as plain as one pair of eyes can speak to another . i am a very old friend of your father , have known him ever since i was a little boy at school where i looked up to him and admired him as only a little boy can a big one . i see he is in poor health , at least in a nervous state , and i am wondering if there isnt something i can do . i dont want to butt in  understand that , dont you . but if i can help , i want to . and then nan carter did just exactly what everybody always did she took jeffry tucker into her confidence and told him all of the troubles of the family . he listened attentively . i see . the rent from the house in richmond is the only income you can depend upon just now , and your mother wants to live at home again and have miss douglas make her debut in state . she has given up college for lack of funds , but she is to make her debut instead  much more expensive pastime , i fancy . what does your father say . oh , that is the terrible part of it . we dont want anyone to appeal to father  is sure to say that mother must do just as she chooses . he always has said that and he thinks that he is put on earth just to gratify mothers every wish . mr . tucker , please dont think mother is selfish  isnt that  is just inexperienced . certainly not . certainly not . but that gentleman crossed his fingers and quickly possessed himself of a bit of green leaf , which was the tucker twins method , as children , when they made a remark with a mental reservation , the remark for politeness and the mental reservation for truth . you see , if father begins to think that mother wants things that it will take more money to buy , he will go back to work , and dr . wright says that nothing but a complete rest will cure him  and no worries . cant dr . wright have a plain talk with your mother and explain matters to her . ye e , but there is a kind of complication there , too . you see , dr . wright had a horrid time at first trying to beat it into us that father was in a bad way . helen kicked against his diagnosis like i dont know what , treated dr . wright mighty badly . he was fine about it and so patient that by and by helen came to her senses , and began to appreciate all he had done for father , and she and dr . wright are real good friends . now helen is siding with mother and thinks that whatever mother wants to do she should do . she even wants douglas to go to white sulphur with mother for several weeks , right now in our very busiest season . mr . tucker could not help laughing at the child by his side , so seriously discussing the trials of her family and now talking about their busiest season like some veteran hotel keeper . white sulphur would mean an added expense , too , he suggested . of course , and helen says she will take her share of the summers earnings and send mother . helen is very generous and very impulsive , with no more idea of saving for winter than a grasshopper . this is what i take it you want me to do make your mother change her mind about going to white sulphur and decide of her own accord that this winter it would be a mistake to bring miss douglas out to make her bow before richmond society . exactly . oh , mr . tucker , if you only could without having father even know that mother is not having everything she wants . ill do my best . i may have to take dr . wright into consultation before i get through . already a plan is surging in my brain . lets fly back to the pavilion then and you start to work . nan forgot to be shy in her eagerness to thank mr . tucker for his interest in their affairs and her hurry to get him launched in the undertaking of coercing her mother without that little ladys knowledge . she wondered if she had spoken too plainly about dr . wright and helen . nan was sentimental , as one of her poetic nature would be apt to be , and the budding romance that she thought she could spy springing up between dr . wright and her sister , far be it from her to blight . she felt sure dr . wright would feel it to be his duty to protect his patient from mental worry , but she was also sure that helen would be quite impatient if dr . wright ventured to criticize her mother . what a relief it was to have unbosomed herself to this dear , kind mr . tucker , who understood her so readily and still did not seem to think her poor little mother was selfish or silly . the crossing of fingers and holding something green had escaped her notice . i wont tell douglas i have said anything to him , she promised herself . it would be difficult to explain that i caught his eye at the supper table and he divined that i was in trouble . that is the truth , though , no matter how silly it sounds . she wondered what the plan was that had begun to surge but she determined to leave it to mr . tucker . that gentleman , whatever his idea of attack , did not immediately approach her mother but made his way to the middle of the pavilion where he awaited his chance to break in on a dance with page allison , his daughters friend . she may be part of his plan . who knows . at any rate , i believe he is going to get us out of the trouble somehow . as douglas and lewis left the pavilion they took the path straight up the mountain . lets go this way and shake the crowd for a little while , suggested lewis . but we mustnt be long . helen will have too much entertaining to do . we cant get it out of our heads that we must treat these boarders as though we were having a house party . well , i reckon thats the reason you have been so successful . i have heard some of the fellows say that they never hear the chink of coin here . it really seems like a house party . i am so glad , but i am glad of the chink of coin , too . but , douglas , i did not bring you out here to talk about boarders and coin  have got something else to say . bill and i have just been waiting until cousin robert and cousin annette got back because we couldnt leave you without any protection  leave us . oh , lewis . do you mind really , douglas . mind . why , i cant tell you how much i mind . we know we have no business staying here indefinitely and we feel we must get to work . we are going to enlist for the mexican border . we have got over our grouch against uncle sam for firing us from west point and now that he needs us , we are determined to show him we are ready to serve him in any capacity . you know we are right , dont you . ye e , but  by that time lewis had taken possession of douglas hands and with a voice filled with emotion , he said i cant bear to leave you , but now cousin robert is here he will make it safe for you . i have tried to help some  oh , and you have . we couldnt have done a thing without you and bill . i dont know about that . i believe there is no limit to what you carter girls can do  , douglas  i go to mexico  just have to tell you how much i love you . i dont mean like a cousin  not such close kin to you after all  mean i love you so much that the thought of leaving you is agony . you knew all the time that it was no cousin business , didnt you , douglas . why , lewis , i never thought of such a thing . you are almost like my brother , and douglas devoutly wished the moon would hurry up and get behind a big black cloud that was coming over the mountain . brother much . im not the least little bit like a brother . bills got sisters and i dont believe he is bothering about leaving them one tenth as much as he is leaving tillie wingo . why , honey , ever since i can remember i have been meaning to get you to marry me when we both grew up . of course , i cant ask you to marry me now as i havent a piece of prospect and will have to enlist in the ranks and work up , but i mean to work up fast and be so steady that ill be a lieutenant before carranza and villa can settle their difficulty . wont you be engaged to me so ill have something to work for until i can see you again . engaged to you . why , lewis , i  can i be when it is so sudden . you never told me before that you cared for me the least little bit . told you before . ye gods and little fishes . ive been telling you for pretty near eighteen years . well , i never heard you . why dont you say you dont give a hang for me and let me go . but , lewis , i give a whole lot of hangs for you and i dont want you to go . oh , i know the kind of hangs you give just this brother and sister business , and the young man dropped the girls hands . douglas felt like crying , but lewis was so absurd she had to laugh . what time had she to think about getting engaged . she felt as though the whole world rested on her young shoulders . here was her mother wanting her to make a debut , and helen wanting to spend on a silly trip the pitiful little money they had begun to save from their boarding camp . and now lewis somerville and bill tinsley , the brawn and sinew of their undertaking , suddenly deciding that they must enlist and hike out for the mexican border . we must go back to the pavilion , she said wearily . her voice sounded very tired and she stumbled a little as she turned to go down the path . now , douglas , i have distressed you , and lewis was all thoughtfulness and consideration . i didnt mean to , honey  just want you to say you love me the way i love you . and i cant say it , because i never thought of your caring for me in any different way . you are the best friend i have in the world . well , that is something and i am going to keep on being it . maybe when i come back from mexico you will think differently . you will write to me , wont you . why , of course i will , lewis . havent i always written to you . douglas , dont you think you could love me a little . but , lewis , i do love you a whole lot . but i mean be engaged to me . lewis somerville , would you want me to be engaged to you when you know perfectly well that i have never thought of you except as the very best friend ive got in the world , and if not as a brother , at least as a cousin who has been almost like a brother . if i did engage myself to you , wouldnt have the least bit of respect for me and you know you wouldnt would you . but lewis would not answer . he just drew her arm in his and silently led her back to the pavilion . the big cloud had made its way in front of the moon and he took advantage of the darkness to kiss her hand , but he was very gentle and seemingly resigned to the brother business that he had so scorned . his youthful countenance was very sad and stern , however , as he turned and made his way to the tent that he shared with bill and bobby . bill tinsley and tillie wingo , too , were walking on the mountainside , bill as silent as the grave but in a broad grin while tillie kept up her accustomed chatter . it flowed from her rosy lips with no more effort than water from a mountain spring . do you know , mr . tinsley , that i have danced out five dresses this summer . as for shoes . if helen had not given me some of her slippers , i would be barefooted this minute . i dont mind this rough dressing in the day time , but i must say when evening comes i like to doll up . i believe mrs . carter feels the same way . isnt that a lovely dress she has on this evening . there is no telling what it cost . if their mother can buy such a frock as that , i think it is absurd for the girls to be working so hard  believe me , they are some workers . now , im real practical and know how to dress on very little and , if i do say it that shouldnt , i bet there is not a girl in richmond who makes a better appearance on as little money as i spend , but i know what things cost  cant fool me  im able to tell across the room that filmy lace effect that mrs . carter is sporting set her back a good seventy five . whew . from bill . easy , seventy five, , i say , and maybe more . it would take a lot of week enders to pay for it and i bet she no more thinks about it than she does about the air she breathes . now she wants to bring douglas out and you know she wouldnt be willing to let her come out like a poor girl  sirree . douglas would have to have all kinds of clothes and all kinds of parties . she would have to come out in a blaze of glory if her mother has a finger in it . girls who come out that way dont have such a lot on the ones who just quietly crawl out  i did , finstance . i just quietly crawled  could not call it coming  here bill gave one of his great laughs , breaking his vow of silence . at least it seemed as though he must have made such a vow as through all of tillies chatter he had uttered not one word more than the whew over mrs . carters extravagance . the picture of tillies quietly crawling got the better of his risibles . you neednt laugh . i can assure you i came out in home made clothes and during the entire winter i had not one thing done for me to push me in society  a cup of tea was handed in my name . one lady did put my card in some invitations she got out , trying to relaunch a daughter who had been out for three seasons and gone in again , but she had an inconvenient death in the family and had to recall the invitations so i got no good of it after all . not that i cared  no . i had all the fun there was to have and im still having , although im not able to keep in the swim , giving entertainments and what not . of course , i was not included in select luncheons and dinner dances and the like . those expensive blowouts are given with a view of returning all kinds of obligations or of putting people in your debt so you are included in theirs  i got to all the big things and got there without the least wire pulling or working . of course , i did get to some of the small things because i was run in a lot as substitute when some girl dropped out . i wasnt proud and did not mind in the least being second or third choice . people who never entertain need not expect to be on the original list . i just took a sensible view of the matter . i tell you , if a girl wants to have a good time shes got no business with a chip on her shoulder . society is a give and game and if you are poorish and want to get without giving , youve got to be willing to do a lot in the way of swallowing your pride . at least , i had no slights offered me where the dancing men were concerned . i made every german and that is something many a rich debutante cant say for herself . tillie paused for breath and then bill opened his mouth to speak , but the loquacious tillie got in before he could begin and he had to wait . now i believe douglas would have lots of attention even if her mother did nothing to help on , but mrs . carter would enjoy having a daughter in society more than a daughter would enjoy being there , i believe , and she would be entertaining and spending money from morning until night . of course , lewis somerville would be lots of help as he would stand ready to take douglas anywhere that she did not get a bid from some other man  but lewisll be gone , broke in bill . gone . nonsense . now that he is out of west point ill be bound he will just dance attendance on douglas . he is dead gone on her . that helps a lot in a girls first year to have a devoted  is , if he is not silly jealous . hell be gone . gone where . mexican border . but he is out of soldiering . both of us enlisting . tillie was absolutely silenced for a moment and bill went on see here , miss wingo , tillie . id be glad if you would  stuck on you for sure . oh , come off . you know you think im the silliest ever . i think you are about the prettiest , jolliest ever . i wish you would let me go off to mexico engaged to you . it would make it lots easier to work and i mean to work like a whole regiment and make good . wont you , tillie . well , i dont care if i do . you are a fine dancer and i think a heap of you , bill . id rather keep it dark , though , if you dont mind , as it queers a girls game sometimes if she gets engaged . lord , no . i dont mind just so i know it myself , and the happy bill enfolded his enamorata in his arms , although she carefully admonished him not to crush her new dress . i never dreamed you were thinking about me seriously , she confessed as she emerged from his embrace . honest . been dotty about you ever since you took me for a jitney driver and tipped me a quarter . got it yet . look how dark it is . i believe we are going to have a storm . what a great black cloud . lets hurry , as i have no idea of getting my frock wet . hurry they did and reached the pavilion just as great drops began to fall . bill was in a state of happy excitement over his engagement , although it was something he must keep to himself . he felt like shouting it on the housetops , but instead he gave one of his great laughs that startled mrs . carter so she stopped dancing and hunted up bobby . it sounded like bears and lions , she declared , and i felt uneasy about my baby . she found that youngster fast asleep cuddled up in his fathers arms , the father looking very happy and peaceful . robert carter felt quite like a little child himself with his great girls taking care of him . chapter vii the storm that storm was always known as the storm by everyone who was at the week end camp on that night in august . greendale had been singularly free from severe storms that season and the carters had no difficulty up to that time in keeping dry . they had rain in plenty but never great downpours and their mountain had escaped the lightning that on several occasions had played havoc not many miles from them . the day had been exceptionally warm but very clear . the full moon had taken the place of the sun when night came on and so brilliant was the glow from that heavenly orb , one could almost fancy heat was reflected as well as light . the great black cloud that came rolling over the mountain was as much an astonishment to the dancers in the pavilion as it was to the moon herself . they refused to recognize the fact that a storm was coming up and the moon also held her own for some time after the downpour was upon them . she kept peeping out through rifts in the clouds and once when the storm was at its fiercest she sailed clear of all clouds for a few moments , and then it was that the rarest of all beauties in nature was beheld by the damp and huddled up crowd of week enders a lunar rainbow . it stretched across the valley , a perfect arc with the colors as clearly defined as a solar bow but infinitely more delicate than any rainbow ever beheld before . there was no such thing as keeping dry . when lewis somerville and bill tinsley built the pavilion , they had kept exactly to the architects plans , drawn so carefully by robert carters assistant , mr . lane . the roof projected so far on every side that they had remarked at the time that nothing short of horizontal rain could find its way under that roof . well , this rain was horizontal and it came in first one direction and then another until every bit of floor space was flooded . the thunder sounded like stage thunder made by rolling barrels of bricks down inclined planes and helped out with the bass drum . great clouds rested on the mountain tops and a wind , that seemed demoniacal in the tricks it played , bent over great forest trees as though they were saplings and then let them snap back into place with a deafening crack . save the victrola , whispered tillie to bill . i want to dance with you once before you go off , and water will ruin it . that was enough for the devoted bill . he took off his coat and wrapped it tenderly over the top of the victrola , which was still playing a gay dance tune as no one had the presence of mind to stop it . then he made a dash for the kitchen just as a river of water was descending and in a twinkling was back bearing in his arms a great tin tub . this he placed over the top of the precious music maker . he felt very tender toward tillie just then for although her new dress was being ruined , still her first thought had been for the victrola so she could dance with him . the storm having come up so suddenly found the crowd totally unprepared . tent flys had been left up and the windows and door of the cabin , where mrs . carter was installed , were wide open for the four winds of heaven to blow through . sad havoc they played with the dainty finery that mrs . carter and susan had left spread out on the bed . the wonderful hat , brought as a present for douglas , was picked up the next morning half way down the mountain at least the ruin was supposed to be that hat but it was never quite identified as it had lost all semblance to a hat . lewis , after hearing the ultimatum from douglas , as i have said , made his solitary way to his tent where he threw himself on his cot to fight it out with his disappointed self . a dash of rain on his tent aroused him and then a mighty gust of wind simply picked up the tent and wafted it away like thistledown . well , of all  but lewis never finished of all the what , but in a twinkling he had rolled up the bed clothes belonging to himself and his tent mates , and then rushing to the neighboring tents that were still withstanding the raging hurricane he rolled up blankets found there and piled cots on top of the bundles . it was a real fight , strong man that he was , to make his way to the pavilion . trees were bending before the wind and he found the only way to locomote was to crawl . just suppose the pavilion doesnt hold . was ringing in his mind but the young men had builded better than they knew . it did hold although the roof was straining at the rafters and lewis and bill feared every moment it might rise up and float off as their tent had done . lewis came under cover wetter than he would have been had he been in swimming , he declared . swimming just soaks the water in but the rain had beat it in and hammered it down . the wind was still driving the rain in horizontal sheets and the pavilion was getting damper and damper . the week enders were a very forlorn looking crowd and no doubt the majority of them were far from blessing the day that had brought them to the camp in albemarle . they ran from corner to corner trying to get out of the searching flood . i know they are blaming it on us . cried nan to mr . tucker . who is blaming it on you . laughed page allison . why , honey , it may be doing worse things in other places . we should be thankful we are on a mountain top instead of in a valley . then she drew mr . tucker aside and whispered to him see here , zebedee , dont you think it is up to us somehow to relieve this situation . if we get giddy and act as though it were a privilege to be wet to the skin , dont you think we might stir up these people and make a lark of this storm instead of a calamity . you remember you told me once that you and miss jinny cox saved the day for a picnic at monticello when a deluge hit you there . zebedee was the tucker twins pet name for their father , and page allison , their best friend , was also privileged to use the name for that eternally youthful gentleman . ive been thinking we must do something , but the lightning is so severe that somehow i think i must wait . you are like mammy susan who says whin the almighty is a doing his wuck aint the time fur a po ole nigger ter be a doin hern . exactly . but it is letting up a bit now , that is , the lightning is , but the rain is even more terrific . a great crash of thunder , coming simultaneously with a flash of lightning that cracked like a whip , put a stop to conversation , and page , in spite of her bravery , for she was not the least afraid of storms as a rule  to mr . tucker . everybody was clinging to everybody else and in the stress of the moment no one was choosy about the person to cling to . bill cursed his stars that tillie was hanging on to skeeter , as pale as a little ghost , when she might just as well be hanging on to him , while he , in turn , was supporting a strange person he had never even met . that hit close to us . exclaimed someone . i believe it hit me . screamed a girl . where are susan and oscar . cried douglas . they will be scared to death . when i went down in the kitchen after the tub for the victrola , oscar was under the table and susan was trying to get in the fireless cooker , head first , volunteered bill . the kitchen is really the dryest place on the mountain , i fancy . you forget the shower bath , suggested helen . turn it on full force and it would still be a thousand times dryer than any place here . i tell you what lets do . spoke dum tucker with an inspiration that all regretted had not come sooner . lets climb up and sit on the rafters . suiting the action to the word , she lightly ascended the trunk of the huge tulip poplar tree that had been left in the center of the pavilion as a support to the roof . the branches had been sawed off , leaving enough projecting to serve as hat racks for the camp . these made an admirable winding stair which an athletic girl like dum tucker made nothing of climbing . splendid . and dee tucker followed her twin . in short order many of the more venturesome members of the party were perched on the rafters where they defied the rain to reach them . even poor mrs . carter , her pretty lace dress , if not absolutely ruined , at least with all of its first freshness gone , was persuaded to come up , too , and there she sat trembling and miserable . come on up , page . shouted dee to her chum . ill be there soon , but page had an idea that she meant first to propose to douglas . poor douglas , this was a fitting ending to a day of worry and concern . she felt like one whom unmerciful disaster followed fast and followed faster . of course country folk are always made to feel in some intangible way that they are responsible for the weather when the weather happens to be bad and city folk are visiting them . douglas thought she had enough not to bear the weight of the storm , but somehow she felt that too , was added to her burden . i know exactly what you are thinking , said page , coming up and putting her wet arm around douglas wet waist . i have lived in the country all my life and whenever we have a big storm at bracken or unseasonable weather of any sort , we are always held personally responsible for it by a certain type of visitors . you think this is going to harm your camp and keep people from coming , dont you . why , how did you know . a little bird told me  stormy petrel . now i tell you what we must do we must whoop things up until all of these week enders will think that the storm was about the most interesting thing that ever happened at camp carter and they will come again hoping for a repetition of the experience . oh , page . how can we . and douglas smiled in spite of herself . well , lets call a council and appoint a committee on ways and means . mr . tucker was first on the list , then helen and dr . wright , bill tinsley and lewis somerville . nan was so busy looking at the beauties of nature that she had to be called three times before she answered . come on , miss nan . begged mr . tucker . your wise little head is wanted on this committee . only look at that bank of clouds as the lightning strikes on the edge of it . it looks like the portals of heaven . yes , and it came mighty near being that same thing , muttered mr . tucker . the storm was really passing . flashes of lightning and peals of thunder grew farther and farther apart . the rain gave one big last dash and stopped as suddenly as it had begun and then the moon asserted herself once more . every member of the hastily called council had some suggestion to make and every suggestion was eagerly taken by the committee on ways and means , that committee being composed of the entire council . page said hot coffee for the entire camp must be made immediately and she would do the making . dr . wright said a fire would be a pretty good thing if it could be managed , and bill tinsley remembered some charcoal braziers that susan used for ironing and a box of charcoal in the corner of the kitchen . lewis went to gather up all the blankets in the camp and those that were damp were draped along the rafters by the climbers . soon the brazier had a glow of coals that sent up heat to the rafters , and bill also put into use the great iron pot that had hung over the camp fire just for picturesqueness . it had never had anything in it but water , all the cooking being done on kerosene stoves and in a fireless cooker . this made an excellent brazier and the coals were kept red hot with the help of the automobile tire pump in lieu of bellows . helen had ambition for a welsh rarebit and started in with chafing dishes . this called into requisition more workers and all of the camp was soon busy cutting up cheese and toasting bread and crackers . the victrola was relieved of its tub and a ragtime record put on that made all of the workers step lively , which did much toward starting their circulation and warming them up generally . the victrola ever after that was called diogenes , after a certain wise man who lived in a tub . everybody danced at his work and everybody was laughing and happy . the moonlight was so dazzling in its brilliancy that it was difficult to realize that not ten minutes before the biggest storm greendale had ever known had been making even the strong men tremble . nan seemed to be the only person who had not been afraid . even those who had never before minded a storm had been cowed by this one . page declared she had always liked storms before even when a big gum tree on the lawn at bracken had been struck before her very eyes she had not been afraid , but this time she was scared to death . dum said it seemed to be such a personal storm somehow and each flash seemed to mean her . i felt my naked soul was exposed to my maker , she said , as she gave her beloved father a hug . i have got all kinds of things to fess to you , zebedee , things that i never thought made any difference before , she whispered . why , dumdeedledums . what on earth . only this evening i smoked a cigarette , although i know you hate it  owe a little bill for soda water at millers , although i know you dont want me to charge things  are other things but i cant think of them just now . suppose  that i had winked out without telling you or worse than that , suppose you had  but dum couldnt finish for the big tears that rolled out of her eyes and which tucker like she made no attempt to conceal . zebedee lent her his handkerchief and then had to wipe his own eyes , too . that is all right , honey , but dont do it any more . and now you turn in and help these carter girls and page jolly up this crowd . page is making coffee and i am going with somerville to right the tents and take stock of the damage done by the storm . when page had first entered the kitchen she found the two negroes bent over in abject woe . oscar was praying while susan moaned and groaned with occasional ejaculations like a greek chorus in a tragedy of euripides . oh my gawd , let the deep waters pass over me and let me come out whiter than the snow and sweeter than the honey in the honey comb  me be putrified by fire and let the rollin thunders shock pass me by , leavin me stand steadfast , a pillar of smoke by day and a pillar of fire by night like unto a lily of the valley , a bright an mawnin star that casts its beams on the jest an the onjest  yes , my gawd . wailed the chorus . an the jest an the onjest shall lie down together like the lion an the lamb in that great an mighty day an who gawd has united let no man pull acinder . yes . yes . in that day when the rock of ages shall smite the shibboleth and the urum an thurum may be delivered not  thou thy servant oscar  yes . yes , lord . an thy handy maiden susan . page entered and put a stop to the impassioned appeal by asking for the coffee pot , while bill tinsley bore off the big brazier full of charcoal . the storm is over , i think , said page , with difficulty restraining her smiles . it was very terrible indeed . turrible aint no word for it an now you say the white folks wants to eat agin . lord love us if evthing dont make these here week enders emptier an emptier . feedin of them is like pourin water down a rat hole . well , you see , uncle , they all of them got so wet that it is wise to give them something hot to drink , and then , too , we want them to forget the terrible storm and think of the camp only with pleasure . you see they might not come back again . forget it . forget it . you cant lose these here folks . theyd ride all the way from richmond jes to fill theyselves up , if for no other reason . they is the empties lot i ever come acrost . dee tucker followed page to the kitchen to see if she could be of any assistance in making the coffee . she felt keenly sorry for the carters on account of this storm . not being connected with them in any way , the grumblers had not hesitated to criticize the whole thing in dees presence when they got wet and scared . dee had done all in her power to soften their judgment , but there were several who did not hesitate to blame the carter girls because of their wetting . nothing is so catching as criticism and it spreads like wildfire with the genus boarder . she told page of her fears . well have to put a stop to it . you get tillie wingo and you and she soft soap the men who are grouching , and then get zebedee to go after the females . he can make them believe they only dreamed it stormed . chapter viii the damage done jeffry tucker and his daughter caroline , otherwise known as dee , were surely the most tactful human beings in the world . they could almost always gain any goal by tact . they set out now to make the grouchy week enders dry up and cheer up , and in half an hour after the storm was over they had attained their object . page overheard mr . tucker pacifying a very disconsolate maiden lady whose hair had come out of curl and whose rosy cheeks had run off  far , however  to her jaws . this is a most outrageous way to treat boarders . she exclaimed . the idea of having no proper shelter for them  an enormous price , too . i certainly intend to leave tomorrow and i will stop some friends of mine who were planning to come up next week . isnt it strange how these places are overrated . anyhow , ill not give it a good name but will get out the first thing in the morning . oh , dont do that , begged the wily zebedee . i had planned to get you to take a walk with me tomorrow evening . the moon will be gorgeous and there are some wonderful spots around here  spots . well , of course i wouldnt think of going if it clears up . it has already cleared up . just look at the moon . i almost think we might take a walk now , but it might be very muddy . lets fox trot instead . done , for a ducat . laughed page to herself , as mr . tucker and the much mollified week ender danced off together . i am afraid poor zebedee will have his whole holiday taken up showing the moon to wet hens . what mr . tucker accomplished with the females , tillie and dee did likewise to the males . tillie exercised all her fascinations on some hallroom boys , while dee went in for some old bachelors who loved their ease and comfort and did not at all relish the idea of wet sheets on soggy cots . here is some hot coffee . she said , with a very winning smile . two lumps , or one . none for me , miss , from a terrible old grouch who had been particularly loud in his praise of nature before nature had shown what she really could do . i dont expect to sleep a wink as it is . i am perfectly sure the beds will be damp . but i am sure they will not be . douglas is seeing about it now and she says they have plenty of dry bed linen . you had better have some coffee and i will dance with you until you get sleepy . egad , that would be very pleasant . i am going back to the city tomorrow and i could sleep on the train , perhaps . oh , please dont go tomorrow . i thought you would be here over sunday and we might get up a little crowd and go sit on the rocks and read aloud or something . well , if it clears i may change my mind . it has already cleared . goody . goody . now you will have to stay . wouldnt the old fashioned waltz go well with that record helen has just put on . do you know i adore the old fashioned waltz . as the old fashioned waltz was the only thing that staid bachelor could dance , never having been able to master the new dances , this put him in rare good humor . he swallowed his coffee hastily , pronouncing it excellent , and in a twinkling he and dee were dancing the dances of the early eighties and one more week ender was saved to the carters to give the camp a good name . after a severe storm sometimes it is more of a wonder what the damage isnt than what it is . it seems at the time that nothing will ever be dry and straight again , and then in a very short while the world looks normal once more . camp carter recuperated in a miraculous manner . only one tent had been blown away and those that stood the test of wind had also stood the test of rain . some of the blankets were damp but most of them , thanks to lewis foresight , had been protected . the drainage on the side of a mountain is naturally perfect so there were no disconcerting puddles , and the rocky paths were hardly muddy , so hard and driving had been the downpour . lewis and bill tinsley went with douglas and nan to take stock of the damage and to repair what they could . their relief was great at the state of affairs until they entered the cabin . the wind and rain had gone straight through it . the pretty rag rugs were sopping wet and , as i have said before , all the dainty finery spread out on the bed , was blown hither and yon . douglas looked at the havoc in dismay . would her mother want to buy more things to replace these that were ruined . she missed the pretty hat intended for her own fair head and was in a measure relieved that she would not have to wear it . lets build a fire immediately , and nan began to pile up paper and chips in the open fireplace , the cabin boasting the one chimney in camp where a fire was possible . now this will dry out the room before mother comes in to go to bed . yes , and we had better put a cot in here for bobby , now that our tent is blown off , suggested lewis . but where will you and bill sleep . asked douglas . oh , we can curl up on the floor of the pavilion . our cots are soaking . i kept the blankets dry , though . but i am so afraid you wont be comfortable . oh , thats all right . get us in training for the border . bill and i have been living so soft i fancy a little roughing it will be good for us . lewis sounded rather bitter and douglas felt that she would give worlds if she could tell him that she had decided she did care for him as he wanted her to . other girls pretended , why not she . but there was an uprightness about douglas carter that would not let her be a party to any form of deceit . she was sorry , very sorry , but she could not be like tillie wingo and engage herself to anyone on a moments notice . we are going to miss both of you ever and ever so much . think what it would be in a time like this without you to help . i can hardly contemplate running the camp without you . oh , that will be easy enough . skeeter and frank can do what we have done . you wont miss us at all . i didnt mean just the work you do , faltered poor douglas . oh , well , the rest wont amount to much , declared lewis , determined to be difficult . bill listened to his chum in amazement . he was in such a seventh heaven of bliss himself that he could not understand anyones being anything but happy . for his part he could not see why lewis didnt settle matters with his cousin before going to the border . it never entered his head that anyone could refuse a greek god of a fellow like lewis somerville . if a belle like tillie wingo could put up with him , why , there was not a girl living who would not jump at his friend . nan sniffed a romance in the air where she had not expected to find it . she , like all her family , was so accustomed to the friendship between her elder sister and lewis that she had not thought of a more serious relationship being the outcome . lewis was certainly sounding cold and formal and douglas was looking distressed . i see how it is , she said to herself lewis has proposed to douglas and douglas has turned him down . he told her he was going to enlist and proposed all in one breath and poor old doug couldnt adjust herself fast enough . she no doubt does love him but doesnt know it . just wait until he gets out of sight . the week enders were finally all put to bed in dry sheets and warmed blankets , after having drunk hot coffee and eaten a rarebit that was so tender even the grouchiest of the grouchy could not get up indigestion over it . the leaven of good humor spread by the tuckers and page allison had begun to work and all were rising to the occasion and quite proud of themselves over taking everything so philosophically . the maiden lady who had threatened to leave on the morning train but had been persuaded by zebedee to stay over to take a moonlight walk with him was now loud in her praise of camp life . i say the only way to get along is to take things as they come . i was just telling mr . tucker that one cant expect the comforts of the jefferson hotel up in camp , but then if one wants the comforts of the jefferson one had better go there and not come to the country . now i would give up any comforts for the beauties of nature . and so on , and so on . dee danced the old fashioned waltz until she almost forgot how to do a single modern step . the grouchy bachelor forgot to worry about the possibility of damp sheets and babbled along about the dances of the eighties , and promised to teach his young partner the racket and the heel and toe polka if any of the records would fit those defunct dances . the sprightliness of that particular bachelor was catching , and the two others , who had begun to inquire about time tables with a view to beating a hasty retreat to the safety firstness of the city , found themselves cheering up , too and warmed by the good hot coffee , they began to dance with youthful ardor and actually grumbled when the crowd broke up for needed repose . arent the tuckers splendid . said douglas , when she and her sisters were undressing . indeed they are , agreed helen , and i like that little allison girl a lot , too . she waltzed in and helped with the eats as though she were one of us . i think mr . tucker is kind of gone on her , drawled nan . nonsense . you are always thinking somebody is gone on somebody , laughed helen . well , somebody always is . he treats her just like he does the twins , only different . hows that , like triplets . but nan had gone to sleep before she could formulate her ideas about how mr . tucker treated page . she only devoutly hoped he would devise some method by which he could persuade her mother to give up the idea of going to white sulphur and let douglas alone about making her debut the following winter . chapter ix mr . machiavelli tucker nan wondered what mr . tucker had in mind to relieve the situation which she had so ingenuously disclosed to him on that little walk in the moonlight . the next morning she watched him closely and there was something about the businesslike way in which he sought out mrs . carter , when that lady appeared long after breakfast , that made her divine he had something up his sleeve . the charming lady was looking especially lovely in a white linen morning dress . she said she had slept splendidly in spite of the fact that she rather missed the rolling of the ship . again she had kept susan so busy waiting on her that the labor of serving breakfast properly had fallen on helen . a tray of breakfast had to be arranged exactly as though they were still in the city , and susan made many trips from the cabin to the kitchen . mrs . carter was one of those persons who was always treated as more or less of an invalid because of a certain delicate look she had , but her girls could not remember her having had a real illness . she must not be awakened in the morning and she must never be asked to go out in bad weather . she must have the daintiest food the warmest corner in winter and the coolest in summer . she had never demanded these things , but they had always been given her as though she had a kind of divine right to them . her husband had , from the moment he saw her , the belle of belles at white sulphur , felt that she was to be served as a little queen and the children had slipped into their fathers way . no one would have been more astonished than annette carter had anyone accused her of selfishness . selfishness was something ugly and greedy and no one could say that she was that . she never made demands on anyone . in fact , she quite prided herself on not making demands . everyone was kind and thoughtful of her , but then was she not kind and thoughtful of everyone . had she not brought a present to every one of her girls and a great box of expensive toys for bobby . it was not her fault that bobby preferred currying that disgraceful looking old mule to playing with the fine things she had purchased for him at the most exclusive toy shop in new york . had she not even remembered every one of the servants , not only susan and oscar but the ones who had been in her service when she had left richmond . the fact that she had charged all of these gifts and that the money to pay for them was to be worked for by her daughters had not for a moment entered her mind . and how is camp life treating you this morning . asked jeffry tucker , as he led the little lady to a particularly pleasant corner of the pavilion that commanded a view of the beautiful apple orchards of that county of virginia famous for the albemarle pippins . did you ever see such a morning . i can hardly believe that only last night we were in the throes of the fiercest storm i have ever seen . oh , i am quite in love with camp life . it is not so rough as i expected it to be when i arrived yesterday . i have a very comfortable bed and a nice bright fire cheered me up wonderfully after i left the pavilion last night . i must confess i was scared to death during the storm , although i held on to myself wonderfully . yes , wonderfully . but jeffry tucker crossed his fingers and reached out for a bit of green from the pine tree growing close to the post . he could not but picture the little woman of the evening before hanging on to her husband , intent on protecting her dress and shrieking at every close flash of lightning or loud clap of thunder . i am so glad you are here because i am thinking of leaving my girls at the camp for a while , and of course i could not think of doing it unless you were here to chaperone them . oh , i never thought of my presence being necessary as a chaperone . you know i am thinking of taking douglas to the white for a fortnight . oh , i am sorry . of course i could not leave my girls unless they are to be chaperoned . but robert will be here he is enough chaperone surely . yes , enough in our eyes but not the eyes of the world . you see , i think one cannot be too careful about what mrs . grundy will say , and jeffry tucker crossed his fingers again and reached for more green , especially when girls are about the age of mine and yours , too , about to be launched in the world , as it were . he was devoutly thankful that his girls could not hear him indulging in this homily . if there ever lived a person who scorned mrs . grundy that was this same jeffry tucker . he devoutly hoped that mrs . carter would not hear that page allison was in the habit of being chaperoned by him , if one could call it being chaperoned . he well knew that as a chaperone robert carter had him beat a mile but he felt that a little subterfuge was permissable in as strenuous a case as this . why , mr . tucker , i did not dream you were such a stickler for the proprieties . ahem  am more so than i used to be . having these girls almost grown makes me feel i must be more careful than  nature  . exactly . i respect you for it . i , too , think it very important , especially if a girl is to make a debut as i mean that douglas shall . i am very sorry , though , that you could not leave virginia and caroline up here in roberts care . i am sure it will be all right for once . i have quite set my heart on white sulphur for a few weeks . i think it gives a girl a certain poise to be introduced to society in an informal way before she makes her debut . well , i am sorry , too , sorrier than i can say . you see , i had planned to come up again myself next saturday and i thought i would bring with me hiram g . parker . he would like this sort of thing and fit in nicely with these young girls . you know how much he takes to the girls before they are quite grown . ye  . and mrs . carter was lost in a revery . she well knew that the name of hiram g . parker was one that controlled society . he was the beau brummel of richmond and in some unaccountable way had become the dictator of society , that is of the debutante society . he passed the word about whether or not a girl was to be a belle and his judgment was seldom gainsaid . mrs . carter was thinking that no doubt the presence of hiram g . parker in their camp would be of more benefit than a trip to white sulphur . her position in society was of course assured beyond a doubt but that did not mean a successful debut for one of her daughters , certainly not for one who was to be persuaded if not forced to be a debutante . the business of coming out must be taken quite seriously and the importance of it not belittled . poor douglas was taking it seriously enough , but not in a way her mother thought desirable for success . do you know , mr . tucker , i have half a mind to give up the trip to white sulphur . is so pleasant here and so delightful to be with my children again and if your daughters and that sweet little friend of theirs care to remain with us , i shall be more than pleased to chaperone them . oh , you are kind . exclaimed the wily zebedee . i cannot thank you enough . if you choose to make it so , camp carter will vie with white sulphur as a resort . i shall certainly bring parker up next week . mr . tucker grasped the first opportunity to inform the anxious nan of his successfully performed mission . oh , how did you do it . by just a little twist of the wrist . you shall have to put up with my girls though for another week or so . your mother has promised to chaperone them until i fetch them away . splendid . do they want to stay . they are dying to . i only hope they wont tear things wide open at camp . they are terribly hoydenish at times . mr . tucker , tell me did you really get mother to give up white sulphur just to chaperone the twins and page . you ask her . i think she thinks she did . i believe ill call you mr . machiavelli tucker . dont flatter me so yet . wait until i accomplish the seemingly impossible of making your mother decide of her own accord that your sister had better not come out yet . can you do that , too . i dont want to sound conceited but i believe i can . this is our secret , so dont tell a soul that we have any hand in this matter . just let douglas think it is fortune smiling on her . all right , but nothing can ever make me forget your kindness . and nan held his hand with both of hers with no more trace of shyness than hiram g . parker might have shown in dancing a german . what on earth have you done to make nan so eternally grateful . demanded dum tucker , coming suddenly around a spur of rock on the mountain path where her father had accosted nan . i am going to leave you girls up here for some days longer . isnt that enough for her to be grateful over . we  , i dont know  sounds rather fishy . and besides , i am going to send her up a ouija board to pass the hours away until i return . how about that . oh , now you are talking . that is something to be grateful about . we are all of us dying to try it , but dum could not see why nan was blushing so furiously and evidently trying to hold in the giggles , and she plainly caught a wink passing between her dignified parent and the demure nan . hes up to something , but it wouldnt be very gentlemanly of me to try to find out if he doesnt want me to know , she said to herself . the tucker twins had been motherless since they were tiny babies and their ridiculously young father had the rearing of them alone and unaided . many stepmothers had been picked out for these irrepressible girls by well meaning friends and relatives , but jeffry tucker had remained unmarried , much to the satisfaction of the said twins . he is much too young and inexperienced to marry , they would say when the matter was broached by wily mammas who hoped to settle their daughters . and so he did seem to be . time had no power to age jeffry tucker . he was in reality very young to be the father of these great girls , as the romance of his life had occurred when he was only twenty , still in college , and the little wife had died after only a year of happiness . in rearing his girls he had only one rule to go by they must conduct themselves like gentlemen on all occasions . i dont know what ladylike rules are but i do know what is expected of a gentleman , and if my girls come up to that standard i am sure they will pass muster , he had declared . as a rule the twins did pass muster . they were perfectly honorable and upright and the mischief they got into was never anything to be ashamed of  something to be gotten out of , never too serious to tell their father all about . the fact that they were to stay longer than the week end was greeted with joy by the carters . page had already made herself popular , too . douglas was soon informed by her mother that she had given up the trip to the white , so some of the load was lifted from the poor girls heart . there was much more talk , however , of the proposed debut and helen upheld her mother in thinking that since douglas was not going to college she must come out . but , helen , the money for a debut . and if we go into our house and turn out the desirable tenants , where are we to get an income to exist on . oh , always money , . it can be gotten , and mother says our credit is as good as the u . s . mint . she has often heard father say so . of course it was as good , but now that father is no longer able to earn money it would not be quite square to presume on that credit when we have no way of paying the bills . douglas would go over and over the same argument and helen would still not be convinced . are we to spend the rest of our lives digging and delving for gold and then not use the money . how does our bank account stand now . i dont know , but it is not so large that we could make a debut on it , smiled douglas . but we could make a start and then earn some more . but why spend it on me when i dont want to go into society . why , for mothers sake , goose . she has set her heart on it and you know we have always let her do whatever she wanted to . it would make father miserable to think mother wanted something and could not have it . yes , i know . he mustnt know she wants it and cant have it . but she must have it . she is planning all the time for your being a great belle . dr . wright said that father  but helen flounced off , refusing to hear what dr . wright said . she had overcome all of her antipathy for that young physician and in fact liked him rather more than anyone of her acquaintance of the male persuasion , but she still resented any tendency on his part to dictate to her . mrs . carter , having given up her trip to white sulphur , felt that virtue must be rewarded and so actually persuaded douglas to protect her complexion . she was not allowed to go in the sun at all and in the shade she must wear a great hat tied under her chin , with a curtain of blue veiling draped over it . every night she must be anointed with some kind of cucumber cream and her hair must be brushed with one hundred licks every night and morning . lewis somerville and bill tinsley made their sorrowful adieux . everyone missed them . they seemed as important to the camp as the great poplar tree in the center of the pavilion was to that edifice . there was a feeling that everything might topple over now that those two young men were gone . it didnt , however . skeeter halsey and frank maury did what they could to fill their places , but as they expressed it , they sho did rattle round in em . mr . carter , too , delighted to be of use and to find something he could do without using his poor fagged brain too much , was busy at something from morning until night . first the reservoir must be repaired after the heavy rain had caved in part of the dam then the roof of the cabin needed a shingle here and there . a rustic bench must be put by the spring which formed the reservoir , and then a table was added so that afternoon tea might be served there on occasions . he was so busy and so happy in being busy that it was delightful to see him . bobby was his companion at all times , even deserting the beloved josh and josephus to be with his father . this was a new father , one who had time to play and talk . together they made wonderful little water wheels and put them in a tiny mountain stream where they turned continuously to the delight of bobby . the successful architect of other days drew plans for bird houses and he and his little son whittled them out of stray bits of lumber and cigar boxes and placed them in the trees , no doubt filling a long felt want for suburban villas in bird society . the miracle was happening . the cure that dr . wright had predicted was taking place . robert carter was on the high road to recovery . chapter x mr . hiram g . parker susan had been kept very busy all week doing ladys maid work for her mistress . susans usefulness in the kitchen was about over , the carter girls feared . there never seemed to be a moment that she was not wanted to wait on mrs . carter . when she took the daintily arranged breakfast tray to the cabin she was kept to fetch and carry and do a million foolish little nothings that an idle woman can always find to occupy other persons . then the many new dresses must be pressed and white skirts must be laundered . mrs . carter always had worn white in the summer , and although washing was something of a problem at the camp , she still must wear white . not a speck must be on those snowy garments even if it did take all of susans time to keep them in condition . there is no excuse for letting oneself go even if it is necessary to live in a camp , she would assert . i think it is very important to look nice wherever one happens to be . it sho is , mis carter , an you jes call on me to washanirn all the things you need . thats what im here fur , and susan , who much preferred the job of ladys maid to that of assistant cook , gathered up an armful of rumpled skirts and blouses and carried them off to launder . she adored her mistress and saw no reason at all why the girls need mind doing extra work so that she could give all of her attention to the whims of the mother . whats all that . grumbled oscar , who saw many reasons why miss helen should not be doing susans work . you aint a goin to do no washinanirnin in this hyar kitchen today . you know puffectly well that them thar week enders is a comin pilin in hyar this ebenin , all of em as empty as gourds . well , these here langery is got to be did up , an i is got to do em up , an as fur as i know thaint no place to do em up but in the kitchen . its jes because of some of these here week enders that they is got to be landered . you is so ignrant that you dont know that one of these here week enders what is a comin is what mis carter call a arbitrator of sassiety . well , i may be ignrant but i knows one thing , that ifn a nice little gal named miss page allison hadnt a come in an helped miss helen an i , we wouldnt a got breakfast on the table . miss gwen warnt here this mornin cause that ole po white mounting ooman what she calls aunt mandy done took with cramps in the night an miss gwen couldnt leave her . this is a been the busiest week of the camp an you  aint been wuth standin room in de bad place all week . you an yo mistress with yo langery an yo arbors of sassiety . i dont know who he is a comin but whoever he is , he aint no bettern our folks . hes mr . hiram g . parker hisself . what , that little ole hi parker . he aint nuthin . if hes done riz to the top er sassiety its caze hes the scum an the scum jes natchly gits on top . who was his folks . tell me that , who was they . you dont know an neither do lots er folks but i knows an he knows . thats the reason hes so particlar bout who he consorts with . he has to be . yi . yi . he has to be . arbor er sassiety much . back poch er sassiety , mo lak . and oscar chuckled with delight at his wit . i betcher mis carter better not hear you a talkin thataway . well , she aint a goin ter hear me  i aint a goin ter talk thataway befo her , but that aint a keepin me from knowin all about little hi parkers fo bars . thaint much ter know cause he warnt troubled with many . his grandpap had a waggin with a bell on it an went aroun hollerin ragsoleioncopperanbrass . ragsoleioncopperanbrass . i member it mighty well cause my mammy uster say she goin ter thow me in the waggin an sell me ter ole parker if i didnt have myself . well , howsomever it might a been, , taint thataway now . mis carter is cited over his a comin . she done made po miss douglas sleep with some kinder wax on her competence las night to peel off the remains of the sunburn an she done made her promus not to wear that there cowboy suit for supper . mis carter says she thinks miss douglas oughter be dressed in diafricanus interial . humph . the missus is all right , but she better let these here young ladies run this here camp like they been doin . if they take to dressin up itll mean all yo timell be spent pressin an fixin an i want ter know wholl be a doin yo work . not me . by the time i get through butlerin these here week enders, , i aint got the back ter washanwipe all the dishes . susan quietly started the charcoal brazier and put her irons to heat . she knew that the mistress word was law and that although oscar might grumble until he was even blacker in the face than nature had made him , he would go on washing dishes until he dropped in his tracks rather than make a real disturbance . nan and dum tucker came to the kitchen after breakfast and helped him while susan washed and ironed the many white things that mrs . carter had discarded as too soiled to appear before mr . hiram g . parker . ill wash and you wipe , suggested nan . no , please let me wash , begged dum , i adore sloshing in suds . well , theys lots er suds here ter slosh in , grinned oscar , bringing a great steaming dish pan , an if you is so enjoyful of suds , mebbe you young ladies could spare me altogether an let me pick them there chickens gainst its time ter fry em for supper . yes , indeed . go . from dum . we can do them in no time , cant we , nan . we can do them , but not in no time , drawled nan . i cant think it is right for people to use so many dishes . wouldnt it be grand to be like aeneas and put your food on a little cake and then eat the cake . yes , but if you cant do that , i think the feeders should at least have the grace to lick their plates . what on earth do you do with all the scraps . asked dum as she vigorously scraped plates , a part of the work that everyone hates . fatten chickens for killin , answered oscar , sharpening a great knife fit for the deed he had to do . for lands sake , miss dum , dont arsk none of the week enders ter lick they plates . they dont leave nothin now for my chickens . the gals even eat the tater peelins . they say it gwine make they har curl , but they eat so much they dont leave no room for they har ter curl . dum and nan had become fast friends during that week at camp . the several years difference in their ages was as nothing . the feeling for beauty which both of them had to a great degree was what drew them together . nan was so quiet and unostentatious in her unselfishness , few at the camp realized how much she did . for instance the person who cooks a meal is usually praised by the hungry ones , but the person who patiently scrapes and washes dishes is hardly thought of at all by the satiated . on that friday morning , helen had , with the help of page , produced a wonderful breakfast and when these two girls came to that meal flushed but triumphant in the knowledge that their popovers popped over and that their omelettes had risen to the occasion , the breakfasters had given them three rousing cheers . no one thought of who was going to wash up . while dum was sloshing in the suds and nan was busily drying the dishes that piled up to such great heights they looked like ramparts , page and helen came in to try their hands at pies for saturdays picnic . page had on one of helens bungalow aprons and seemed as much at home as though she had been born and bred in camp . page always had that quality of making herself at home wherever she happened to drop . dee used to say she was just like a kitten and wasnt particular where she was , just so it was pleasant and people were kind . what kind of pies shall it be . asked helen . something not too squashy . pleaded dum . nan and i have found the most adorable spot for a picnic a fallen tree about half a mile around the mountain  a freshly fallen one but one that must have fallen ages and ages ago as it has decided just to grow horizontally . any old person could climb up it , just walk up it in fact  seats were never imagined  limbs all twisted into armchairs . of course if we are going to eat up a tree we had better have mighty solid pies , laughed page . how about fried turnovers like mammy susan makes . grand . from dum . apple . yes , apple , laughed helen , amused at dums enthusiasm , also some lemon pies , dont you think . i mean cheese cakes . splendid and more and more splendid . the girls went to work , page on the fried turnovers and helen on the cheese cakes . such a merry time they were having , all busy and all talking . oscar sat outside picking chickens and of necessity susan was driven to the extreme corner of the kitchen with her heap of washing and ironing . i think you are awfully clever , helen , to learn to make pastry so quickly . how did you do it . said page , deftly forming a turnover . i dont know  just did it . it seems to me as though anyone can cook who will follow a recipe . i had a few lessons at the y . w . c . a . in the spring and i learned a lot there . how did you learn . well , when i was a kiddie i had no one to play with but mammy susan , so i used to stay in the kitchen and play cooking . ive been making thimble biscuit and eggshell cake ever since i could walk . how do you make eggshell cake . just put the left over scrapings of batter in the eggshells and bake it . it cooks in a minute and then you peel off the shell . scrumptious . dee came running in with the mail , having been to the post office at greendale with josh and bobby and the faithful josephus . a letter from zebedee and he will be up for sure this evening . aint that grand . but guess who is coming with him  hiram g . parker . i believe zebedee must have lost his mind . i am really uneasy about him . why , what is the matter with mr . parker . asked helen , who had been much interested in what she had heard of that gentlemans charms and graces . no matter , no matter , only ideas . as the idealist said when the materialist saw him falling down stairs , bumping his head at every step , and asked him what was the matter , laughed dee . didnt you ever meet mr . parker . no , but i have always understood he was all kinds of lovely things . oh , hell do , put in dum , if you like wax works . he wears the prettiest pants in town and has more neckties and socks than an ordinary man could buy if he went shopping every day . he knows all the latest jokes and when they give out , he starts in on the others . he makes jokes of his own , too  like zebedees  always bubbles out in a joke but hiram g . leads up to his . first he gets one , a joke i mean , and then he gets a crowd of listeners . then he directs the conversation into the proper channel and dams it up and when it is just right he launches his joke . you certainly do mix your metaphors , laughed page , crimping her turnovers with a fork . you start out with bubbling brooks and end up with the launching of ships . she starts . she moves . she seems to feel the thrill of life along her keel . well , zebedee does bubble and hiram g . parker doesnt neither does a boat , so there . oh , . look at the goodies . how on earth do you make such cute edges to your tarts . just see them , girls . i did mine with a broken fork but mammy susan says she knows an old woman who always did hers with her false teeth . after the shout that went up from this had subsided , helen begged to know more of mr . parker . is he a great friend of your father . why no , that is the reason i cant divine why he is bringing him up here . i believe zebedee likes him well enough  least i never heard him say anything to the contrary . there is no harm in the dude that i ever heard of . of course he is the lord high muck a with the buds . he decides which ones are to ornament society and which ones to be picked for funerals . he has already looked over dum and me at a hop last thanksgiving at the jefferson page , too . i believe he thinks well do , at least he danced us around and wrote on our back with invisible chalk passed by the censor of society . i believe he thinks a lot of zebedee , but then everyone does who has even a glimmering of sense , and dee reread her fathers letter , a joint one for her and her sister , with a postscript for page . well , all he says is that he is coming and going to bring the immaculate hi and we must behave , declared dum , reading over dees shoulder . i dont know whether i am going to behave or not . that mr . parker gets on my nerves . hes too clean , somehow . im mighty afraid im going to roll him down the mountain . mis carter is fixin up a lot for the gent , said susan , who had been busily engaged with her wash tub while the girls were talking , if its mr . hiram g . parker you is a speakin of . she done say he is a very high up pusson . i do believe it was all on account of him that she done made miss douglas look after her hide so keerful this week . why , does mother know he is coming up . asked helen . she never told me . nan , did you know he was coming . nan hadnt known , but she had a great light break on her mind when she heard that her mother knew he was to come mr . tucker had certainly used this visit of mr . parkers to persuade her mother to give up the trip to white sulphur . no . i never heard a word of it , nan answered sedately but her eyes were dancing and it was with difficulty that she restrained a giggle . how could her mother be so easily influenced . she must consider mr . parker very well worth while to stay at camp just to see him . that was the reason for all of this extra washing and ironing susan had on hand . nan loved her mother devotedly but she had begun to feel that perhaps she was a very  , to say the least  very frivolous lady . nans judgment was in a measure more mature than helens although helen was almost two years her senior . where helen loved , she loved without any thought of the loved ones having any fault . she wondered now that her mother should have known of mr . parkers coming without mentioning it , but as for that little ladys dressing up to see this society man , why , that was just as it should be . she had absolutely no inkling of her mothers maneuvering to push douglas toward a successful debut . susans intimation that douglas was to preserve her complexion for mr . parkers benefit was simply nonsense . susan was after all a very foolish colored girl who had gotten things mixed . douglas was to protect her delicate blond skin for all society , not for any particular member of it . the train arrived bearing many week enders and among them zebedee and the precious mr . hiram g . parker , looking his very fittest in a pearl gray suit with mauve tie and socks and a panama hat that had but recently left the block . zebedee could not help smiling at the fine wardrobe trunk that his companion had brought and comparing it with his own small grip with its changes of linen packed in the bottom and the boxes of candy for tweedles and page squeezed on top . thank heaven , i dont have a reputation to keep up . he said to himself . the wardrobe trunk was not very large , not much more bulky than a suitcase but it had to be carried up the mountain by josephus and its owner seemed to be very solicitous that it should be stood on the proper end . ones things get in an awful mess from these mountain roads . a wardrobe trunk should be kept upright , otherwise even the most skillful packing cannot insure one that trousers will not be mussed and coats literally ruined . mr . tucker felt like laughing outright but he had an ax to grind and hiram g . parker was to turn the wheel , so he bridled his inclination . he had asked the society man to be his guest for the week end, , intimating that he had a favor to ask of him . parker accepted , as he had an idea he would , since the summer was none too full of invitations with almost no one in town . his position in the bank held him in town and he must also hold the position , since it was through it he was enabled to belong to all the clubs and to have pressed suits for all occasions . he had no idea what the favor was but he liked to keep in with these newspaper chaps since it was through the newspapers , when all was told , that he had attained his success , and through the society columns of those dailies that he kept in the public eye . he liked jeffry tucker , too , for himself . there was something so spontaneous about him . with all of hiram parkers society veneer there was a human being somewhere down under the varnish and a heart , not very big , but good of its kind . on the train en route to greendale mr . tucker had divulged what that favor was . he led up to it adroitly so that when he finally reached it mr . parker was hardly aware of the fact that he had arrived . long list of debutantes this season , i hear , he started out with , handing an excellent cigar to his guest . yes , something appalling . answered mr . parker , settling himself comfortably in the smoker after having taken off his coat and produced a pocket hanger to keep that garment in all the glory of a recent pressing . i see many hen parties in prospect . there wont be near enough beaux to go round . so i hear , especially since the militia has been ordered to the border . so many dancing men are in the blues . i heard today that young lane is off . he is robert carters assistant and since carter has been out of the running has been endeavoring to keep the business going . i fancy it will be a blow to the carters that he has had to go . yes , too bad . quite a dancing man . he will be missed in the germans . jeffry tucker smiled as he had been thinking the carters might miss the assistance that lane rendered their father , but since mr . parkers mind ran more on germans than on business that was , after all , what he was bringing him up to greendale for . lewis somerville has enlisted , too . you dont say . i had an idea when he left west point he would be quite an addition to richmond society . i think mrs . carter thought he would be of great assistance to her eldest daughter , said mr . machiavelli tucker . oh , i hadnt heard that one of robert carters daughters was to make her debut . i havent seen her name on the list . is she a good looker . lovely and very sweet . i think it is a pity for her to come out and not be a success , but her mother is determined that she shall enter the ring this winter . yes , it is a pity . this will be a bad year for buds . there are already so many of them and such a dearth of beaux i have never beheld . i dont care how good looking a girl is , she is going to have a hard time having a good time this year , and the expert sighed , thinking of the work ahead of him in entertaining debutantes . he was not so young as he had been and there were evenings when he rather longed to get into slippers and dressing gown and let himself go , but a leader must be on the job constantly or someone else would usurp his place . many debutantes and a few society men meant he must redouble his activities . i hope you will be nice to this girl , hi . she is a splendid creature . since her father has been sick , she has taken the burden of the whole family on her shoulders . all of the girls help and the second one , helen , is doing wonders , too  fact , all of them are wonders . so  thought the leader of germans , we are coming to the favor . tucker wants me to help launch this girl . well , ill look her over first . no pig in a poke for me . he took another of the very good cigars , not that he wanted it at that moment , but he might need it later on . now this is what i want you to do , this is how i want you to be good to her . hi parker smiled a knowing smile . how many times had he been approached in just this way . i dont want you to ask her to dance a german with you  oh , what was the fellow driving at , anyhow . no , indeed . there is no man living that i would ask to do such a thing . i feel it is a kind of insult to a girl to go around drumming up partners for her . mr . parker gasped . what i want you to do for me is to persuade mrs . carter that this is a bad year to bring a girl out . you have already said you think it is , so you would be perfectly honest in doing so . the carters finances are at a low ebb and this fine girl , douglas , is doing her best to economize and have the family realize the importance of it , and now her mother is determined that she shall stop everything and go into society . mr . tucker , during the journey to greendale , succeeded in convincing mr . parker that it was an easy matter to persuade mrs . carter to give up the project . ill do what i can , but if you take the matter so much to heart why dont you do it yourself , tucker . i make it a rule not to butt in on societys private affairs if i can possibly keep out of it . i ask you because i believe in getting an expert when a delicate operation is needed . you are a social expert and this is a serious matter . the upshot was that mr . hiram g . parker was flattered into making the attempt and mrs . carters opinion of that gentlemans social knowledge was so great and her faith in him so deep rooted that she abandoned her idea of forcing douglas out for that season . she gave it up with a sigh of resignation . anyhow , she was glad she had made douglas bleach her complexion before mr . parker was introduced to her . the girl was looking lovely and the shyness she evinced on meeting that great man was just as it should be . too much assurance was out of place with a bud and this introduction and impression would hold over until another year . chapter xi the bird softly a winged thing floats across the sky , and earth from slumber waketh and looketh up on high , sees it is only a bird  a great white bird  that floating thro the darkness undisturbed floats on , and on , and on . late sleeping in a tent is rather a difficult feat as the morning sun seems to spy out the sleepers eyes and there is no way to escape him . some of the campers tied black ribbons around their eyes and some even used black stockings , but the first rays of the sun always found nan stirring . it was not that she was especially energetic , she was indeed rather lazy , according to her more vigorous sisters , but the charm of the early morning was so wonderful that she hated to miss it lying in bed . it was also such a splendid time to be alone . the camp was a bustling , noisy place when everyone was up , and early morning was about the only time the girl had for that communing with herself which was very precious to one of her poetic temperament . she slept in a tent , not only with her sisters but with lil tate and tillie wingo , now that the week enders had swarmed in on them at such a rate , stretching their sleeping accommodations to the utmost . of course it was great fun to sleep in a tent but there were times when nan longed for a room with four walls and a door that she could lock . the next best thing to a door she could lock was the top of the mountain in the early morning . unless some enthusiastic nature lover had got up a sunrise party she was sure to have the top of the mountain to herself . mr . tucker had divulged to her the night before that her mother had abandoned the designs she had been entertaining for douglas , and she in turn had been able to pass on the good news to douglas . mrs . carter had not told her daughter herself but was evidently going to take her own good time to do so . their mothers being a bit cattish was not worrying either douglas or nan . they were too happy over the abandonment of the plan . of course they could not help feeling that since the plan was abandoned , it would have been sweet of their mother to let douglas know immediately since she was well aware of the fact that the idea was far from pleasing to her daughter . and since it would have been sweet of her to let her know the moment she had abandoned the plan , it was on the other hand slightly cattish of her to conceal the fact . of course the girls did not call it cattish even in their own minds  thoughtlessness . douglas had no idea of how the change had come about , and nan held her counsel . it was mr . tuckers and her secret . as she crept out of the cot on that morning , before the sun was up , she glanced at her elder sister and a feeling of intense satisfaction filled her heart to see how peacefully douglas was sleeping . her beautiful hair , in a great golden red rope , was trailing from the low cot along the floor of the tent her face that had looked so tired and anxious lately had lost its worried expression  looked so young  any older than lucy , who lay in the next bed . thank goodness , the poor dear is no longer worried , thought nan devoutly as she slipped on her clothes and crept noiselessly out of the tent . what a morning it was . the sun was not quite up and there was a silver gray haze over everything . the neighboring mountains were lost , as were the valleys . the air had a freshness and sweetness that is peculiar to dawn . the innocent brightness of a new born day is lovely yet , quoted nan . if i can only get to the top of the mountain before the sun is up . she hurried along the path , stopping a moment at the spring to drink a deep draft of water and to splash the clear water on her face and hands . she held her face down in the water a moment and came up shaking the drops off her black hair , which curled in innumerable little rings from the wetting . she laughed aloud in glee . life was surely worth living , everything was so beautiful . the sides of the mountain were thickly wooded but at the top there was a smooth plateau with neither tree nor bush . one great rock right in the middle of this clearing nan used as a throne whereon she could view the world  not the world , at least a good part of albemarle county and even into nelson on one hand and orange on the other . sometimes she thought of this stone as an altar and of herself as a sun worshipper . on that morning she clambered up the rock just a moment before the sun peeped through a crack in the mist . she stood with arms outstretched facing the sun . the mists were rolling away and down in the valley she could distinguish the apple orchards and now a fence , and now a haystack . there a mountain cabin emerged from the veil and soon a spiral of thin blue smoke could be spied rising from its chimney . i wonder what they are going to have for breakfast . exclaimed the wood nymph , and then she took herself to task for thinking of food when everything was so poetical . just as she was wondering what the mountaineers who lived in that tiny cabin were going to cook on the fire whose smoke she saw rising in that thin blue reek the sun came up . a wonderful sight , but the sun has been rising for so many ons that we have become accustomed to it . something else happened at that moment , something we are not quite accustomed to even yet far off over the crest of a mountain nan thought she saw an eagle . the first rays of the sun glinted on the great white wings . for a moment it was lost to view as it passed behind a cloud and then it appeared again flying rapidly . it is coming this way , a great white bird . i am almost afraid it might pick me up in its huge talons and carry me off , carry me way up in the air  almost hope it will  would be so glorious to fly . she stood up on her throne and stretched her arms out , crying an invocation to the winged thing . she heeded not the buzzing of the aeroplane as it approached . to her it was a great white bird and she only awakened from her trance when the machine had actually landed on her plateau . the humming had stopped and it glided along the grass , kept closely cropped by josephus , as this was his grazing ground when he was not busy pulling the cart . nan stood as though petrified , a graceful little figure in her camp fire girls dress . her arms were still outstretched as when she cried her invocation to the great white bird . the machine came to a standstill quite close to her altar and a young man in aviators costume sprang from it . taking off his helmet and goggles , he made a low bow to nan . oh , mountain nymph , may a traveler land in your domain . welcome , stranger . and may i ask what is this enchanted land . this is helicon  you  are you . i am bellerophon and yonder winged steed is pegasus . maid , will you fly with me . he held out his hand and nan , with no more thought of the proprieties than a real mountain nymph would have had , let him help her into his machine . he wrapped a great coat around her , remarking that even nymphs might get cold , and seemingly with no more concern than bill tinsley felt over starting the mountain goat , he touched some buttons and turned some wheels and in a moment the aeroplane was gliding over the plateau and then floating in the air , mounting slowly over the tree tops . up , they went and then began making beautiful circles in the air . nan sighed . are you scared . and the aviator looked anxiously at his little companion . he had not resumed his helmet and goggles and his eyes were so kind and so merry that nan felt as though she had known him all her life . scared . of course not . i am just so happy . have you ever flown before . not in reality  it is just as i have dreamed it . you dream then a great deal . yes . in a dream all day i wander only half awake . i am sure i must be dreaming now . i , too . but then the best of life is the dreams , the greatest men are the dreamers . if it had not been for a dreamer , we could not have had this machine . look . isnt that wonderful . nan was looking with all eyes at the panorama spread out below them . the sun was up now in good earnest and the mountains had shaken off the mist as sleepers newly aroused might throw off their coverlids . the orchards in the valleys looked like cabbage beds and the great mansions that adorn the hills and are the pride and boast of the county seemed no larger than doll houses . from every chimney in the valley smoke was arising . nan was disgusted with herself that again the thought came to her what are all of these people going to have for breakfast . they dipped and floated and curvetted . nan thought of hawthornes description of pegasus in the chimra and the very first opportunity she had later on she got the book and reread the following passage oh , how fine a thing it is to be a winged horse . sleeping at night , as he did , on a lofty mountain top, , and passing the greater part of the day in the air , pegasus seemed hardly to be a creature of the earth . whenever he was seen , up very high above peoples heads , with the sunshine on his silvery wings , you would have thought that he belonged to the sky , and that , skimming a little too low , he had got astray among our mists and vapors , and was seeking his way back again . it was very pretty to behold him plunge into the fleecy bosom of a bright cloud , and be lost in it for a moment or two , and then break forth from the other side . once they went through a low hanging cloud . nan felt the drops of water on her face . why , it is raining . she cried . no , that was a cloud we dipped through , laughed her companion . are you cold . cold . i dont know . i have no sensation but joy . the young man smiled . there was something about nans drawl that made persons want to smile anyhow . you forgot your hat and goggles , she said as she noticed his blue eyes and the closely cropped brown hair that looked as though it had to be very closely cropped to keep it from curling . thats so . some day maybe i shall go back after them . now shall we fly to frisco . how about high olympus . remember we are on pegasus now and he can take us wherever we want to go . breakfast first , drawled nan . come with me and i can feed you on nectar and ambrosia . oh what a wonderful wood nymph . she understands that mortal man cannot feed on poetry alone . they glided to the plateau and landed again by the great rock . this is a wonderful place to light , said the birdman . and now , fair mountain nymph , please tell me who you are when you are not a nymph  what you are doing on the top of a lonely mountain before the sun is up . nan carter . and if you think this is a lonely mountain , you ought to try to get by yourself for a few minutes on it . before sunrise , on the tip top point , is the only place where one can be alone a minute  and then great creatures come swooping down out of the clouds and carry you off . it was very kind of you to go with me . kind of me . oh , mr . bellerophon , i never can thank you enough for taking me . i have never been so happy in all my life . it is perfect , all but the noise  i do wish it wouldnt click and buzz so . i know pegasus did not make such a fuss  the swish of his wings could be heard and sometimes , as the maiden said , the brisk and melodious neigh . dont you want to know my name , too , miss nan carter . i have a name i use sometimes when i am not mounted on pegasus . i dont want to know it at all , but perhaps my mother , who is chaperoning the camp and who is rather particular , might think mr . bellerophon sounded rather wily greekish . the young man laughed . such a nice laugh it was that nan could not help thinking it sounded rather like a melodious neigh . he was possessed of very even white teeth and a greek profile , at least it started out to be greek but changed its mind when it got to the tip of his nose which certainly turned up a bit . on the whole he was a very pleasant , agreeable looking young man , tall and broad shouldered, , clean limbed and athletic looking . what nan liked most about him were his eyes and his hands . i hate to tell you my name , wood nymph . it sounds so commonplace after what we have done this morning . i am afraid when you hear it you will simply knock on one of these great oak trees and a door will open and you will disappear from my eyes forever . not before breakfast , drawled nan . but you must tell me your name before breakfast because i shall have to introduce you to the others . what others . not more wood nymphs . more carters  week enders . you dont mean i have actually landed at week end camp . why , that is what i have been looking for , but i had no idea of striking it the first thing , right out of the blue , as it were . i heard about the camp at the university , and want to come board there for a while . well , i am the one to apply to , said nan primly . apply to a wood nymph for board . absurd . not at all . of course , i cant take you to board without knowing your name and  . well , if you must , you must  smith is my name  for my number  is only one of me . i mean by your number , where you live . oh , i live in the air mostly . sometimes i come down to have some washing done and to vote  least , i came down once to vote  was last june , but as no elections were going on just then and as my having arrived at the age of twenty one did not seem to make them hurry , i went up in the air again . when i do vote , though , it will be out in louisville , kentucky . thats where i have my washing done . you dont say what you think of such a name as tom smith . it is not very  , but it must have been a nice name to go to school with . great . there were so many of us that the lickings didnt go round . the girl was leading the way down the mountain path and they came to the spring where she had performed her ablutions earlier . this is the fountain of pirene . ah . i fancied we would come to it soon , and he stooped and drank his fill , shaking the drops from his crisp curls as he got up . i love to drink that way , cried nan . i had a big deep drink as i went up the mountain . of course you drink that way . how else could a wood nymph drink . you might make a cup of your little brown hand , but even that is almost too modern . ah , there is the camp . how jolly it looks . are there any people there . it looks so quiet . any people there . quiet . it is running over with people . they are all asleep now , that is the reason it is so quiet . there will be noise enough later . as she spoke there were shouts from the shower bath where some of the youths from the camp had assembled for a community shower , and as the cold mountain water struck them they certainly made the welkin ring . there is father . come , and ill introduce you . mr . carter was coming from the kitchen bearing a cup of coffee for his wife , who stuck to the new orleans habit of black coffee the first thing in the morning , and mr . carter loved to be the one to take it to her bedside . father , this is mr . bel  . he flew over here this morning , and nan suddenly remembered that she was not a wood nymph and that this mountain in albemarle was not helicon . also that it was not a very usual thing for well brought young ladies to go flying with strange young men before breakfast , even if strange young men did almost have greek profiles . for the first time that morning nan blushed . her shyness returned . she could hardly believe that it was she , nan carter , who had been so bold . her bellerophon was plain tom smith and pegasus was a very modern flying machine lying up in josephuss pasture , that pasture on top of a prosaic mountain in albemarle county and not mount helicon . the fountain of pirene was nothing but the spring that fed the reservoir from which they got the water supply for the shower bath where those boys were making such an unearthly racket . she was not a wood nymph  were no wood nymphs  just a sentimental little girl of sixteen who no doubt needed a good talking to and a reprimand for being so very imprudent . what would her mother say to such an escapade . with all of mrs . carters delicate spirituelle appearance there was nothing poetical in her make up . she would never understand this talk of forgetting that one was not a wood nymph . there was more chance of the fathers sympathy . nan took the bull by the horns and plunged into her confession . father , i have been up in mr . bel  flying machine . i dont know what made me do it except i just  was so early  forgot it wasnt a flying horse . mr . carter looked at his little daughter with a smile of extreme tenderness . he had taken flights on pegasus himself in days gone by . he seldom mounted him now  burden of making a living had almost made him forget that pegasus was not a plough horse  quite , however , and now as his little girl stood in front of him , her hair all ruffled by her flight , her cheeks flushed and in her great brown eyes the shadow of her dream , he understood . it is still early in the morning , honey , for you  doubt the aeroplane is pegasus . i envy you the experience . everyone might not see it as i do , however , so you and mr . belsmith and i had better keep it to ourselves , and he shook the birdmans hand . smith is my name  smith , and the young man smiled into the eyes of the older man . i am very glad to see you , and just as soon as i take this coffee to my wife , i will come and do the honors of the camp , and robert carter hastened off , thinking what a boon it would be to be young again in this day of flying machines . nan found her tent about as she had left it . the inmates were still asleep . how strange , she said to herself , that i should have been to the top of helicon and taken flight with bellerophon on pegasus while these girls have slept on not knowing a thing about it . i wonder where their astral bodies have been . douglas looks so happy , poor dear , i fancy hers has been in heaven . aloud she cried get up , girls . wake up . it is awfully late  camp is stirring and there is a lot to do . i have found a new boarder . he dropped from the clouds and is starved to death . chapter xii please remit of course everyone was vastly interested in mr . tom smith and his aeroplane . that young man , however , exhibited a modest demeanor which was very pleasant to members of his sex . he promised to take any and all of the campers flying if his machine was in good order . he thought it needed a little tinkering , however , as he had noticed a little clicking sound above the usual clack and hum of the motor . how on earth did you happen to land here . asked someone . airmans instinct , i reckon . i was looking for the camp and had heard there was a mountain with a smooth plateau around here somewhere . a place to land is our biggest problem . the time will come when there will be landing stations for flyers just as they have tea houses for automobilists now . there is great danger of becoming entangled in trees and telegraph wires . a place looks pretty good for lighting when you are up in the clouds and then when you get down you find what seemed to be a smooth , grassy plain is perhaps the top of a scrub oak forest . after breakfast the whole camp of week enders marched to the top of the mountain to view the great bird , but the carter girls had to stay behind to prepare for the picnic . many sandwiches must be made and the baskets packed . nan had her usual bowl of mayonnaise to stir . she looked very demure in her great apron but her eyes were dancing with the remembrance of her mornings escapade . you look very perky this morning , honey , said douglas , as she packed a basket of turnovers and cheese cakes with great care not to crush those wonders of culinary art . you look tolerable perky yourself , retorted her sister . just as the sophomores and seniors of a college seem to fraternize , so it is often the case with the first and third members of a family . douglas and nan hit it off better with one another than they did with either helen or lucy . i feel like flying . declared douglas . i dont mean in an aeroplane but just of my own accord . i am so happy that mother has given up that terrible plan for me , given it up without fathers knowing anything about it . i wish i knew who had persuaded her or how it came about . she is rather  , not exactly cold with me  not exactly chummy . she has not told me yet , but if you say it is so , i know it is so . i went to her room this morning so she could tell me if she wanted to , but she didnt say a thing about it . she got a lot of letters from new york by the early mail . i am mighty afraid they are bills . pretty apt to be , sighed nan . i hope she wont give them to father . oh , she mustnt do that . i shall have to ask her for them . i hate to do it . she thinks i am so stern . let me do it , said nan magnanimously . i wonder how much they amount to . oh , nan . would you mind asking for them . well , i am not crazy about it , but ill do it , and do it she did . she found her mother in a dainty negligee writing notes at a little desk her devoted husband had fashioned from a packing box . ah , nan , how sweet of you to come to me . i see so little of my girls now , they are so occupied with outside interests . here , child , just run these ribbons in my underwear . it really takes a great deal of time to keep ones clothes in order . susan should do such things for me , but she is constantly being called off to do other things , at least she says she is . what , i cant for the life of me see . nan dutifully began to do her mothers bidding , but when she saw the drawer full of things she was supposed to decorate with ribbons she had to call a halt . i am very sorry , mumsy , but i am helping douglas pack the lunch baskets . this is a day for a picnic , you know . no , i didnt know . who is going . everyone , we hope , as that gives oscar and susan a chance to get a thorough cleaning done , with no dinner to cook . oh , how absurdly practical you girls have become . i just hate it in you . what business has a girl of your age to know about who does thorough cleaning and when it is done . nan restrained a giggle . she had come to a full realization of what a very frivolous person her little mother was and while it made her sad in a way it also touched her sense of humor irresistibly . i am deeply disappointed in the fact that douglas is not to come out next winter . mr . parker advises me strongly against trying to launch her . he says there are so many debutantes already and that he is engaged up to every dance and that all of the dancing men are in the same fix . of course if i should go against his advice douglas would fall as flat as possible . she has no desire to come out as it is and no doubt would do nothing to further her cause . i do not feel equal to the task of bringing her out and of putting spirit into her at the same time . she has been so lifeless and listless lately . nan smiled , thinking of how she had left douglas actually dancing as she packed the goodies and smiling all over her happy face . what a lot of letters you have , mumsy . you are almost as busy as i am with letters . it takes me hours every day answering applications for board . oh , yes , i have many notes to answer  , welcoming me back to virginia . this pile over here is nothing but bills  bought in new york , on my way home . i think it is most impertinent of these tradespeople to send them so promptly . they were so eager for me to open accounts , and now they write to me as though i were a pickpocket . please remit at the bottom of every bill , and one man actually accuses me of being slow in payment . he says he understood i was to send money as soon as i reached virginia . i have no money myself . i shall just have to hand them over to your father  oh , mother , please dont do that . why not . how else am i to get them paid . but , mother , the doctor said no money matters must be brought to father for at least a year and maybe not then . it was bills that made him ill , and bills would be so bad for him now . bills , indeed . it was overwork . i did my best to make him relax and not work so hard , but he would not listen to me . many a time i tried to make him stop and go to the opera with me or to receptions , but it was always work , . and night . im sure no one can accuse me of selfishness in the matter  did my best . yes , dear , i know you did , said nan solemnly and gently , as though she were soothing a little child who had dropped a bowl of goldfish or done something equally disastrous and equally irreparable . i tell you what you do , though , honey , you give me the bills . you see , i write all the letters for the camp and i will attend to them . mrs . carter handed over the offensive pile of envelopes with an air of washing her hands of the matter . there is one thing , mumsy if i were you , id withdraw my patronage from such persons . id never favor tradespeople like these with another order . never . exclaimed the mother . please remit , indeed . i never imagined such impertinence . nan bore off the sheaf of bills . they were not quite so large as they had feared . mrs . carter had unwittingly managed very well since she had accidentally struck august sales in new york and the things she had bought really were bargains . we will pay them immediately , nan , said douglas . i am so thankful that father did not see them . it would be so hard on him that i am sure much of the good that has come to him from the long rest would be done away with . do they make you blue , these bills . no , indeed . nothing will make me blue now that mother has given up making me be a debutante . i can go on working and make more money to take the place of this we shall have to take out of the bank to pay for these things mother bought . but just suppose she had carried her point and forced me into society . i could have earned no money and would have had such a lot spent on me . why cant she see , nan . she is color blind , i think , unless it is couleur de rose . we must be patient with her , douglas . all right , grandma . and if mrs . carter could have heard the peal of laughter from douglas , she would not have thought her lifeless and listless . you are such a dear little wise old lady , nan . chapter xiii teakettle the fallen tree where nan and dum tucker had chosen to have the picnic proved to be most attractive . it was a great oak that had attained its growth before it had been felled in some wind storm , and now it lay like some bed ridden old giant who refuses to die . part of the roots held to the soil while part stood up like great toes , poking their way through the blanket of ferns and moss that were doing their best to cover them . this tree not only clung to its old branches but had actually the hardihood to send out new shoots . these branches were not growing as the limbs of an oak usually grow , with a slightly downward tendency from the main trunk , but shot straight to the sky , upright and vigorous . it is just like some old man who has to stay in bed but still is open to convictions of all kinds , who reads and takes in new ideas and is willing to try new things and think new thoughts , suggested page allison . yes , that strong green branch struggling to the light there might be equal suffrage , teased mr . tucker . yes , and that one that has outstripped all the others is higher education of women , declared douglas . these little ferns and wild flowers that are trying to cover up his ugly old toes are modern verse . he even reads the poetry of the day and does not just lie back on stuffy old pillows and insist that poetry died with alfred tennyson , whispered nan , who did not like much to speak out loud in meetin . tom smith heard her , however , and smiled his approval of her imagery . well , i only hope while we are picnicking on his bed he wont decide to turn over and go to sleep . it would certainly play sad havoc with cheese cakes , laughed helen . much to the satisfaction of the carter girls , all the week enders did decide to come on the picnic , also their mother . they knew very well that had that lady made up her mind to remain in camp , susans time would have been taken up waiting on her and the thorough cleaning that the pavilion and kitchen were crying out for would never be accomplished . mr . hiram g . parker , in faultless morning costume , had proffered himself as squire of dames and was assisting that dainty little lady on the rough journey to the fallen tree . she , too , had attired herself with thoughtful care in sheer white linen lawn with a large picture hat of finest straw and a ruffled lace parasol . the girls were in strong contrast to their chaperone , since one and all , even tillie wingo , were dressed in khaki skirts and leggins . the only variation in costume was that some wore middies and some sport shirts . first a fire must be built and a big one at that , as it takes many hot coals to roast potatoes . lucy and lil tate , with their faithful followers , skeeter and frank , had gone on a little ahead , and when the rest of the crowd reached the spot the fire was already burning merrily . in a short time it was ready to drop the potatoes in , irish potatoes and great yams that looked big enough for the bed ridden giant himself to make a meal of . then the roasting ears of corn must be opened , the silk removed and the ears wrapped carefully in the shucks again and placed in just exactly the right part of the fire to cook but not to burn . there was some kind of work for all of those inclined to usefulness , and any who were not so inclined could wander around admiring the scenery or climb up in the tree to secure the choice seats . there were seats for all and to spare in the gnarled old limbs of the giant oak . mrs . carter was enthroned in a leafy armchair while hiram g . perched beside her . evidently he was prepared to be waited on and not to wait . bobby climbed to the tiptop of one of the great branches where he looked like a little cherub that sits up aloft . im a gonter let down a string and pull my eats up here , he declared . oh , bobby . shuddered his mother . dont say such words . what i done now . cried that young hopeful , peeping down through the leafy screen , with an elfish , toothless grin . dont say eats . say luncheon . yes , i wont . if i say luncheon , theyll send me up bout nough to put in my eye . ive a great mind to say victuals like oscar and then theyll send me up something sho . hi , helen . put my victuals in a bucket and tie it to this string . he cried , dangling a string before helens eyes as she stooped under the tree , unpacking the basket containing the paper plates and japanese napkins . i wont put anything in the bucket unless you mind mother , said helen severely , but her eye was twinkling at bobbys philological distinction . well , then , helen dear , be so kind as to put my luncheon in that there little bucket what you see turned up over yonder by the fire . but , helen , in a stage whisper , please dont put it in like a luncheon but like it was jes victuals . luncheons aint never nough for workin mens . so all in good time helen packed a hefty lunch in the bucket for her darling and he drew it up to his castle in the tree and feasted right royally . when everyone was too hungry to stand it another moment the potatoes were done , all burnt on the outside and delicious and mealy within . there never were such sandwiches as helens and the corn , roasted in the shucks , was better than corn ever had been before . the cheese cakes and fried turnovers proved very good for tree eating and not too squashy . boxes of candy appeared like magic from the pockets of masculine week enders . mr . tucker produced three , one for each of his girls . oh , zebedee . exclaimed dum . i am so relieved . i thought you were getting hippy . it was candy all the time . when every vestige of food was devoured and all the paper plates and papers carefully burned , as nan said , to keep from desecrating nature , someone proposed that they should play games . lets play teakettle . exclaimed skeeter , so teakettle it was . some of the company had to be enlightened as to the game and perhaps some of my readers may have to be also . this is the way whoever is it or old man must go out of ear shot and then the company selects a word . the old man then returns and asks a question to each one in turn . the answer must contain the chosen word , but in place of the word , teakettle must be inserted . you go out , zebedee , you are so spry , suggested the irreverent dum . no , thats not fair . we must count out , declared dee , determined that her parent must be bossed only by her own sweet self . i bid to count . from lucy . eny , meny , miny mo , cracker , feny , finy , fo , ommer noocher , popper toocher , rick , bick , ban , do , as , i , went , up the , apple , tree , all , the , apples , fell , on , me , bake a , pudding , bake , a , pie , did , you , ever , tell , a , lie , yes , you , did , you , know , you , did , you , broke , your , mammys , tea , pot , lid , did , she , mind . she stopped at lil tate , who was equal to the occasion . no . cried lil and lucy took up her counting out in the sing song we hear from children engaged in that delightful occupation of finding out who is to be it . no matter where one lives  , west , north or south  is the same except for slight variations in the sense of the incantation . n , o , spells , the , word , no , and , you , are , really  . an accusing finger was pointed at nan , who perforce must crawl from her comfortable perch and go around the side of the mountain while the assembled company chose a word . after much whispering , mr . tucker hit on a word that appealed to all of them , and nan was whistled for to return . helen , what do you enjoy most in camp life . teakettles . was the prompt response . skeeter , did you and frank get any squirrels yesterday . no , not one . we told them if they would let us shoot them that they could come with us on the picnic  they said no teakettles for them . indignant cries from skeeters chums ensued . you came mighty near giving us away , you nut . nan thought a moment . is it pies . helen certainly enjoys pies , and if the squirrels had come on the picnic it would have been in a pie . no guess again . guess again . mother , are you comfortable up there . yes , my dear i had no idea one could have an armchair at a teakettle . picnic . picnic . i know that is the word . mumsy gave it away . you have to go out , mumsy . picnic was the word and everyone thought nan very clever to guess it so quickly . mrs . carter was loath to leave her leafy bower , so mr . parker gallantly offered to take her place and be it . a word was quickly chosen for mr . parker although they feared it would be too easy . that gentleman was really enjoying himself very much . climbing trees was not much in his line , but he congratulated himself that while his suit no doubt looked perfectly new , it was in reality three years old and was only his eighteenth best . the lapels were a little smaller than the prevailing mode and the coat cut away a bit more than the latest fashion . he could not wear it much longer , anyhow , and in the meantime he was having a very pleasant time . the girls were a ripping lot and he would no doubt have the pleasure of bringing them out in years to come . he might even stretch a point and ask some of them to dance the german with him before they made their debuts . that little allison girl from the country was a charmer and as for the tucker twins  only trouble about them was he could not decide which one would take the better in society . helen carter was sure to win in whatever class she entered . douglas carter had deceived him somewhat . the evening before , while looking very pretty she had lacked animation . he had been quite serious in his advice to mrs . carter not to bring her out that year . with the scarcity of beaux only a girl who was all animation had any show of having a good time in her debutante year . now today this girl had thrown off her listlessness and was as full of life as anyone . she was really beautiful . if a complexion could show up as well as hers did in the sunlight what would it not do in artificial light . and her hair . hair like that could stand the test of dancing all night , and mr . hiram g . parker had found out from long experience that not much hair could stand the test . always coming out of curl and getting limp . he muttered , but just then they whistled for him and he returned to the tree . ahem . miss douglas , are you expecting to miss the boys who have gone to the border with the blues . yes , indeed . blushed douglas but if i were a teakettle it would be even worse . is it a mother . of course it would be worse if you were a mother . ah , maybe you have been promising to be a sister to one of them . douglas blushed so furiously that she almost fell off her precarious perch . mother isnt the word  is sister . shouted the crowd . guess again . miss dum tucker , are you going to remain long in camp . i am afraid i shall have to leave on monday , but if the teakettle fancier is no longer here , i dont believe i should care to remain . teakettle fancier . sounds like spinsters . i cant see what it is . miss dee , what are these teakettles like . there are as many styles of teakettles as there are teakettles , tall and narrow , short and squat , with snouts of all shapes . heavens . still no light on the subject . tucker , what is your opinion of the war . will it last much longer . i hope not , although i hear it is an excellent way to dispose of last years teakettles . they are using so many of them in the red cross service . oh , come now . i must do better than this . mrs . carter , have you any of these teakettles about you . no , mr . parker , i havent a single teakettle  , rather sadly . mr . smith . that young aviator , not expecting to be called on , almost fell out of the tree , which would have been an ignominious proceeding for one accustomed to the dizzy heights of the clouds . do you come across any of this stuff , whatever it is that these crazy folks call teakettles . yes , i do occasionally . even here in this camp there is a lot of the stuff that teakettles are made of  raw material , i might say , but if i should , no doubt future teakettles would climb up the tree and mob me . debutantes . debutantes . that is the word . stupid of me not to guess it sooner . thank you , miss dum , for the compliment you just paid me , or did you mean your father . because i understand that he is somewhat fond of young girls himself . i meant you in the game  zebedee in reality , declared dum , who had no more idea of coquetting than a real teakettle . mr . smith is it . shouted lucy . we are going to get a hard one for him . skeeter wanted to take flying machine but that was too easy . many suggestions were made but nan finally hit on a word that they were sure he could never guess . the trouble is it is hardly fair to take a word that is so obscure , objected mr . carter , who had been quietly enjoying the fun as much as any of the party . well , it is a compliment to give him a hard one , declared mr . tucker . it means we have some reliance on his wit . tom smith was proving himself a very agreeable companion and old and young were feeling him to be an acquisition to the camp . you youngsters up there in the top of the tree , come down and be questioned . cried the old man . you , bobby , what are you doing up there . im a playin im one er them there teakettles , said that ready witted infant . everyone shouted for joy at his answer . and you , frank maury . do you want to take a trip with me some day . sure . id ruther be a birdman than  , said frank lamely . did you ever see one of these teakettles , skeeter . naw , and nobody else . but you didnt use the word , skeeter , admonished lil . then you use it for him , suggested the questioner . i take it then if he never saw a teakettle and no one else has ever seen one , that it is some kind of mythological creature . am i right . he appealed , following up the advantage skeeter had given him . yes , a teakettle is a mythological being , said lil primly . skeeter can give more things away without using the word than most folks can using it , declared lucy cruelly . miss nan , did i ever see a teakettle that you know of . i have an idea you thought you saw a teakettle once , drawled nan . wood nymph . exclaimed tom smith . everyone thought he was very clever to have guessed a very difficult and obscure word in five questions . nans turn again . that isnt fair when skeeter really and truly was the one who got him going . youve got to go , skeeter , and frank and lil and lucy pounced on their chum and dragged him from the tree . yes , i havent . id never guess c a . get somebody else . ill go , mr . tucker volunteered magnanimously . let him hes dying to . exclaimed the twins in one breath . well , dont tweedle . commanded their father . he always called it tweedling when his twins spoke the same thing at the same time . a word was hard to hit on because as his daughters said mr . tucker had what men call feminine intuition . you cant keep a thing from him , dum said . and sometimes he sees something before it happens , declared dee . oh , spooks . laughed page . spooks would be a good word , suggested someone , but mrs . carter had a word which was finally determined on . zebedee was whistled for and came quickly to the front . mr . smith , tell me , while flying through the air would you like to have one of these teakettles with you . i mean would it be the kind of thing you could carry with you . would it be of any value on the journey . we  , i cant say that a teakettle would be of any great practical value on a flight , but it would certainly be great to have one . i believe id rather have one than anything i can think of . in fact , i mean to take one with me some day . mr . tucker looked into the glowing countenance of the young birdman . he saw there youth , character , romance . a teakettle is a sweetheart , he said simply . talking about spooks  do you know about that . cried one of the crowd . well , what did i tell you . didnt i say you couldnt keep anything from zebedee . said triumphant dee . i betcher i aint a gonter take no sweetheart with me when i gits me a arryplane , shouted bobby from his vantage ground . im a gonter take josh and josephus , ander  . the picnic in the tree had been a decided success . it was one more perfect day for the week enders to report as worth while to the possible future boarders . even mr . parker was enthusiastic , although he was not as a rule much of an outdoor man . he was conscious of the fact that he shone in a drawing room , and under the great eye of heaven did not amount to quite so much as he did under electric lights with pink shades . chapter xiv the foragers miss douglas , them week enders done clared the coop . thaint nary chicken lef standin on a laig . looks like these here hungarians dont think no mo of vourin a chicken than a turkey does of gobblin up a grasshopper . all of them gone , oscar . yasm . thaint hide or har of them lef . if i hadnt er wrung they necks myself , i would er thought somethins been a ketchin em but lands sakes , the way these week enders do eat chicken is a caution . all right , ill get our young people to start out today and find some more for us . a big crowd will be up on friday . yes , ill be bound they will , and all of them empty . i should think the railroad cyars would chawge mo ter haul the folks back from this here camp than what they do to git em here . they sho goes back a weighing mo than what they do whin they comes a creepin up the mountain actin like they aint never seed a squar meal in they lives . oscars grumbling on the subject of the amount of food consumed by the boarders was a never failing source of amusement to the carter girls . they were never so pleased as when the boarders were hungry and enjoyed the food . no doubt oscar was pleased , too , but he was ever outwardly critical of the capacity of the week enders . lucy and lil , skeeter and frank were delighted to be commissioned to go hunting for food . many were the adventures they had while out on these foraging parties and many the tales they had to tell of the inhabitants of the mountain cabins . there were several rules they must obey and besides those they had perfect liberty to do as they felt like . the first rule was that they must wear thick boots and leggins on these tramps . the snake bite helen had got early in the summer had been a lesson learned in time and now all the campers were made to comply with the rule of leggins whenever they went on hikes . the second rule was that they must be home before dark and must report to douglas or helen as soon as they got home . the third was that they must tell all their adventures to one of the older girls . if they obeyed these three rules they were sure to get into no trouble . fix us up a big lunch , please , helen . we are going way far off . theres a man on the far side of old baldy that josh says has great big frying sizers, , declared lil . well , be sure you are back before dark , admonished helen , in her grownupest tone , according to lucy . all right , miss grandma , but i dont see why i have to get in before dark if you dont . you know you and doctor wright came in long after supper one night  you got lost , but you can tell that to the marines , said lucy pertly . just for that , ive a great mind to put red pepper in your sandwiches , said helen , blushing in spite of herself . well , i suppose if we get lost , we wont have to get in before dark , either , teased lucy . yes , but dont you get lost . douglas and i are always a bit uneasy until you are back , as it is , pleaded helen . you know mother would have a fit if you were out late . oh , dont listen to her , miss helen . well take care of the girls and bring em back safe . frank and i couldnt get lost on these mountains if we tried , and skeeter drew himself up to his full height , which was great for a boy of fifteen and seemed even greater because of his extreme leanness . cant we take our guns , miss helen . pleaded frank . there was another rule that the boys must not take the guns if the girls were along . guns are safe enough if there are no bystanders . oh , frank , ask douglas . i am afraid to be the one to let you do it . can i tell her you say yes if she does . yes , i reckon so . but if she does say yes , please be awfully careful . sure we will . i tell you , miss helen , if anything happens to these girls , skeeter and id never show our faces in camp again . i know you will look after them , said helen . these boys were great favorites with helen , and they admired her so extravagantly that sometimes lil and lucy , their sworn chums , were a bit jealous . ive made your kind of sandwiches , frank , sardines . and ive stuffed some eggs with minced ham the way you like them , skeeter . bully . exclaimed both knights . and i spose what lil and i like or dont like didnt enter your head , pouted lucy . why , lucy , you know you like sardine sandwiches better than anything , you said so yourself , admonished lil . helen didnt know it . if you dont like what i put up , you can do it yourself next time , snapped helen . tis dogs delight to bark and bite , sang douglas , coming into the kitchen to spy out the nakedness of the land preparatory to sending her order for provisions to the wholesale grocer in richmond . what are you girls scrapping about . helen said  lucys always  yes , i havent a doubt of it , laughed the elder sister , who was ever the peacemaker . i havent a doubt that helen did say it , but she was just joking , and i know lucy is always trying to help and is a dear girl . now you children trot along and bring back all the chickens you can carry . have you got your bags . gunnysacks were always taken to bring home the provender . and money to pay for the chickens . if you see any eggs , buy them , and more roasting ears , but dont try to carry everything you see . have the mountaineers bring them to camp . good bye . be sure to come back before dark . ask her about the guns , whispered frank to lil . douglas , can the boys take their guns . helen says she says yes if you say yes . they wont carry em loaded . we  , i believe we can trust you but do be careful , boys . with a whoop the boys flew to their tent for the guns . the sizable lunch was dumped in the bottom of a gunnysack and slung over skeeters shoulder , and the cavalcade started , after many admonitions from douglas and helen to be careful of their guns and to come back before dark . aint they the scared cats , though . laughed lucy . yes what on earth could happen to us . said lil . nothing , i reckon , with skeeter and me here to protect you  , skeeter . i just guess we could hold a whole litter of bears at bay with these guns . i almost wish we would run into some kind of trouble just so frank and i could show your big sisters we are responsible parties . maybe we will , and lil danced in glee at the possible chance of getting into trouble so their devoted swains could extricate them . maybe we will meet a drunken mountaineer  maybe it will be a whole lot of drunken mountaineers , a camp of moonshiners  they will capture lucy and me and carry us to their mountain fastness and there hold us for ransom . huh . and what do you think skeeter and ill be doing while they are carrying you off . sniffed frank . standing still , i reckon , and weeping down our gun barrels . well , spose they are all of them armed to the teeth , a company of stalwart brigands , suggested lil , who , by the way , was something of a movie fan , and they come swooping down on us , the leader bearing a lasso in his brawny hand . yes , put in lucy , and he will swirl it around and will catch both of you in the same coil and then will tie you to a tree there to await his pleasure . i think there had better be two leaders , though , lil . so you can have one and i can have one . i bid for the biggest . bid for him . if you girls dont beat all . i do believe you would like to be attacked by outlaws , and skeeter looked his disgust at the eternal feminine . of course wed like it if it came out all right that is , if the leaders fell in love with us and reformed and turned out to be gentlemen who took to moonshining and highwaying because they had been cheated out of their inheritances by fat faced uncles in prince albert coats , and lil looked very saucy as she switched on ahead of the others down the narrow trail . and where would we come in . asked frank whimsically . we would have to stay tied to the tree while you and lucy acted about a thousand feet of reels . i tell you what i mean to do . i mean to train a squirrel to come gnaw me free . what you say to that , skeeter . squirrel much . im going to be so quick with my gun that the bold brigands will wish they had stayed with uncle albert . as for lassoing  am some pumpkins myself with the rope . look at this . and twirling the gunnysack around with the lunch serving as ballast , skeeter caught his chum neatly around the neck . oh , . youll mash the sandwiches . wailed the others . lets sit down and eat em up now , suggested skeeter . i am tired of being made the beast of burden . i believe in distribution of labor . why , skeeter , we havent walked a mile yet , and it cant be more than ten oclock . well , then , my tumtum must be fast . i shall have to regulate it . it tells me it is almost twelve . no one had a watch so there was no way to prove the time except by the shadows , and skeeter declared that the shadows on the mountain perforce must slant even at twelve . lets eat part of the lunch , suggested lucy . that will keep poor skeeter from starving and lighten the load some , too . there is no telling what time it is , but if we are hungry i cant see that it makes much difference what time it is . im starved myself almost . me , too , chorused the others . they ate only half , prudently putting the rest back in the gunnysack for future reference . gee , i feel some better , sighed skeeter , whose appetite was ever a marvel to his friends since it never seemed to have the slightest effect on his extreme leanness . oscar always said that there young marster skeeter eats so much it makes him po to carry it . do you boys know exactly where we are going . asked lil . they had walked a long distance since the distribution of burdens and now had come to a place where the trail went directly down the mountainside . of course we do . josh said that when we got to a place where the path suddenly went down we were almost over the cabin where jude hanford lives . didnt he , frank . he sure did . but there was a place back further where a path forked off . i saw it , didnt you , lucy . yes , but i thought it was maybe just a washed place . this is right , im sure , said skeeter confidently , so the young people clambered down the mountainside following skeeters lead . the path went almost exactly perpendicularly down the mountain for fifty yards and then , as is the way with mountain paths , it changed its mind and started up the mountain again . this is a terribly silly path , declared the self constituted guide , but i reckon it will start down again soon . josh said that jude hanford lives almost at the foot of the mountain . lets keep a going theres no use in turning back , said frank . this path is obliged to lead somewhere . maybe it leads to the brigands cave , shivered lil . which way is home . asked lucy . that way . over there . due north from here . but as the three of her companions all pointed in different directions , lucy laughed at them and chose an entirely different point of the compass as her idea of where camp carter was situated . they had been walking for hours and as far as they could tell had not got off of their own mountain . no one seemed to be the least worried about being lost , so lucy calmed her fears , which were not very great . how could they get lost . all they had to do was retrace their steps if they did not find jude hanfords cabin , where the frying sized chickens and the roasting ears were supposed to thrive . lets eat again , suggested the ever empty skeeter . they had come to a wonderful mountain stream , one they had never seen before in their rambles . it came dashing down the incline singing a gay song until it found a temporary resting place in a deep hole which seemed to be hollowed out of the living rock . what a place to swim . they exclaimed in a breath . i bet its cold , though , cold as flugians . lil trailed her fingers through the icy water and a little fish rose to the surface and gave a nibble . look . look . isnt he sweet . lets fish , suggested lucy . fish with what . guns . asked skeeter scornfully . no , fishing lines with minnows for bait , and lucy found a pin in her middy blouse and with a narrow pink ribbon drawn mysteriously from somewhere tied to the pin , which she bent into a fine hook , she got ready for the gentle art . a sardine from a sandwich made excellent bait , at least the speckled beauties in that pool thought so as they rose to it greedily . e  . squealed lucy , flopping an eight inch trout out on the bank . i caught a fish . i caught a fish . oh , gimme a pin , please , begged the boys , so lucy and lil had to find fish hooks for their cavaliers and more strings and in a short while all of them were eagerly fishing . i never saw such tame fish in all my life , said frank . they are just begging to be caught . it seems not very sporty to hook them in , somehow . i didnt know there were any trout in these streams . doctor wright says there used to be but the natives have about exterminated them . gee , theres a beaut . and skeeter flopped a mate to lucys catch out on the grass . lets stop fishing and fry these , he suggested , im awfully hungry . hungry . oh , skeeter . im right uneasy about you , teased lil . well , i never did think sandwiches were very filling . somehow they dont stick to your ribs . come on , frank , we can get a fire in no time . how can we fry anything without lard and a pan . oh , we wont fry , well broil . we , indeed . sniffed lucy . you know mighty well , you boys , that when cooking time comes , lil and ill have to do it . i know how to cook fish without a pan  in camp fire girls . just run a green switch through the gills and lay it across on two pronged sticks stuck up on each side of the fire . you go on and make the fire while lil and i try to catch some more fish . i wonder what doctor wright will say when we tell him we caught game fish with a bent pin tied on lingerie ribbon . he brought up all kinds of rods and reels and flies and whipped the streams for miles around and never caught anything but helens veil . the trout seemed to have become sophisticated when two of their number had been caught and refused to be hooked any more with bent pins and lingerie ribbon , although it was pink and very attractive . the fire went out and lucy and lil had to try a hand at it before it could be persuaded to burn . it looks to me like fire making must be womans work because they certainly can do it better than us men , said skeeter solemnly , and the others laughed at him until lil slipped into the water . only one foot got wet , however , so there was no harm done . the fire finally burned and the two little fish , after being scaled and cleaned , were strung across on a green wand . of course the fire had not been allowed to get to the proper state of red embers so the fish were well smoked before they began to cook . umm . they smell fine . cried the famished skeeter . they smell mighty like burnt fish to me , said frank . they tasted very like burnt fish , too , when they were finally taken from their wand and the young folks drew up for the feast . they lacked salt and were burnt at the tail and raw at the head , but skeeter picked the bones and pronounced them prime . i believe its getting mighty late and we have not found jude hanfords cabin yet . you stop stuffing now , skeeter , and lets get along , said frank , gathering up the gunnysacks and guns . do you think we had better cross this stream . sure , if we go back , it will just take us home . we wont dare show our faces at camp unless we have at least the promise of some chickens and roasting ears . i hope to carry back some in the gunnysacks . of course we must go on , chorused the girls . we are not one bit tired and if we go on we are sure to come to judes cabin . go on they did , how far there was no telling . the path went down , but led only to another spring . the boys shot some squirrels and the girls found a vine laden with fox grapes . lets get all we can carry so we can make some jelly . helen was wishing only the other day she had some . they make the best jelly going , said lucy , and so they pulled all they could reach and decided the ones that hung too high would be sour . do you know i believe its most supper time  getting powerful empty , declared the insatiable skeeter . supper time . nonsense . i betcher taint three oclock , and frank peered knowingly at the sun . that mountain over yonder is so high , thats the reason the sun is getting behind it . i betcher anything on top of the mountain it is as light as midday . i do wish we could find judes cabin . this has been the longest walk we ever have taken , sighed lil . not that i am the least bit tired . lil was not quite so robust as lucy , but wild horses would not drag from her the admission that she could not keep up with her chum . lets sit down a minute and rest , suggested frank , and kinder get our bearings . im not sure but perhaps it would be less loony if we start right off for home . the sun had set for them and it was growing quite gloomy down in the valley where the path had finally led them . of course they well knew that it was shining brightly on those who were so fortunate as to be on the heights , but the thing is they were in the depths . all right , lets go home , agreed skeeter . we will strike them at supper , i feel sure . they retraced their steps , stopping occasionally to argue about the trail . there seemed to be a great many more bypaths going up the mountain than they had noticed going down . this is right . i know , because here is the fox grape vine we stripped on the way down , cried lucy , when there was more doubt than usual about whether or not they were on the right road . well , more have grown mighty fast , declared skeeter . look , this is still full . but we couldnt reach the high ones and decided like brer fox that they were sour . brer fox , indeed . that wasnt brer fox but the one in aesop , laughed lil . well , he acted just like brer fox would have acted , anyhow , and i bet aesop got him from uncle remus . but see , lil . this isnt the same vine . we never could have skipped all these grapes . only look what beauts . we might just as well pick em , said skeeter , suiting the action to the word . they might come in handy later on for eats if we cant find our way home . not find our way home . scoffed frank . why , home is just over the mountain . all we have to do is keep straight up and go down on the other side . these paths have mixed us up but the mountain is the same old cove . he cant mix us up . chapter xv babes in the wood the pull up that mountain was about the hardest one any of those young people had ever had . as a rule lil and lucy required no help from the boys , as they prided themselves upon being quite as active as any members of the opposite sex , but now they were glad of the assistance the boys shyly offered . just catch on to my belt , lil i can pull you up and carry the grapes and my gun , too , insisted frank , while skeeter made lucy take hold of his gun so he could help her . we are most to the top now , they encouraged the girls . their way lay over rocks and through brambles , as they had given up trying to keep to a trail since the trails seemed to lead nowhere . they argued if they could get to the top they could see where they were . the top was reached , but , strange to say , it wasnt a top , after all , but just an excrescence on the side of the mountain , a kind of a hump . it led down sharply into a dimple covered with beautiful green grass , and then towering up on the other side of this dimple was more and more mountain . well , aint this the limit . i didnt know there was a place like this on our mountain . exclaimed frank . thaint . this is no more our mountain than im josephus , said skeeter . do you think we are lost . asked lil . well , we are certainly not found , and skeeters young countenance took on a very grim expression . somebody please kick me , and then ill feel better , groaned frank . why kick you . you didnt lose us we lost ourselves , said lucy . you just say that to keep me from feeling bad . i said all the time we were on our own mountain and i was certainly the one to suggest our climbing up to the top . i dont see how or when we managed to get in this mix up . you see , we were down at the foot of the mountain and we must have spilled over on another one without knowing it . they so kinder run together at the bottom , soothed lucy . lil was so worn out after the climb that she could do no more than sink to the ground but she smiled bravely at poor self accusing frank as she gasped out what a grand , romantic spot to play babes in the wood . i bid to be a babe and let you boys be the robins . in my opinion it is nobodys fault that we have got lost , but lost we are . of course frank and i ought to have had more sense , but we didnt have it , and i reckon what we aint got aint our fault . if it wasnt our fault for losing you girls , it is sure up to us to get you home again and now we had better set to it somehow . skeeter deposited his gunnysack of squirrels beside the one of grapes and threw himself down beside lil on the green , grass of the unexpected dimple . well , lil and i are not blaming you . if we havent got as much sense as you boys , i dare one of you to say so . we could have told we were getting lost just as much as either one of you , and it is no more your business to get us home than it is our business to get you home , is it , lil . i  not , faltered lil but ive got to rest a while before i can get myself or anybody else home . poor lil . she was about all in but she kept up a brave smile . there must be water here or this grass would not be so pizen green in august , said skeeter . lets go find the spring first , frank . the boys wanted to get off together to discuss ways and means and hold a council of war . say , skeeter , what are we going to do . asked frank , as they made for a pile of rocks down in the middle of the dimple , where it seemed likely a spring might be hidden . darnifiknow . do you know its most night . i thought when we got to the top there would be lots of light , but all the time we were coming up the sun was going down , and blamed if it hasnt set now . yes , and no moon until most morning . what will miss douglas and miss helen say to us . im not worrying about what they will say , but what will they think . i am afraid lil cant take another step tonight . she is game as game , but she is just about flopped . we might make a basket of our hands and carry her thataway , suggested skeeter . yes , we might . lil is not so big but she is no dollbaby , and i dont believe we could pack her a mile if our lives depended on it . well , what will we do . can you think of anything . well , i think that one of us must stay with the girls and the other one go snooping around to try to find somebody , a house , or something . you stay with them and ill go . i bid to . all  . but skeeter did think , considering he was at least two months older than frank and at least three inches taller , that he should be the one to go the front . the rle of home guard did not appeal to him much , but when a fellow says he bids to , that settles it . the spring was found down low between the rocks  a clear , clean spring that even the greatest germ fearer would not hesitate to drink of its waters . look , theres a little path leading from the other side . it must go somewhere . cried frank . yes , it must go somewhere just as all the trails we have followed today must  where . dont tell me about paths . they are frauds , delusions and snares . i reckon there wont be any supper for us tonight , so i might just as well fill up on water , and skeeter stooped and drank until his chum became alarmed . skeeters capacity was surely miraculous . lets not tell the girls we might not be able to get back before night . it might get them upset , cautioned frank . they reckoned without their host , however , in this matter . when the boys returned to the forlorn damsels bearing a can of water for their refreshment , the can having been discovered by the spring , they found them not forlorn at all . they had spunked up each other and now were almost lively . lil was tired and pale and lucy had a rather bedraggled look , but they called out cheerily what ho , brave knights . listen . dont you hear a strange sound , kind of like music without a tune . said lucy . there was a sound , certainly . it might be the wind in the pines and it might be a giant fly buzzing in a flower that had closed its doors for the night . it is coming closer , cried lil . maybe it is the bold brigands who are to bear us off to captivity in their mountain fastnesses . i tell you , if they want me they will have to bear me . i cant hobble . just then there came through the scrub growth on the opposite side of the green dimple where our young people had made their temporary abiding place , a strange figure . it was a tall , lean young man dressed in a coat of many colors , a shirt that seemed to be made of patches , no two patches of the same color and none of them matching the original color of the shirt , which was of a vivid blue . his trousers were of bright pink calico , the kind you see on the shelves of country stores and that is usually spoken of as candy pink . his head was bare his hair long and yellow . a large tin bucket was hung on his arm while he diligently played a jews harp . the effect of this strange figure was so weird as it appeared through the gathering twilight that the girls could hardly hold in the screams that were in their throats . they controlled them , however , so that they only came out as faint giggles . the music of the jews harp can be very eyrie in broad daylight when made by an ordinary human being but just at dusk in a mountain fastness when four young persons have decided they are lost and may have to spend the night in the woods , this music , coming from such a strange , motley figure , seemed positively grewsome . speak to it . gasped lucy . angels and ministers of grace , defend us . be thou a spirit of health , or goblin damned , bring with thee airs from heaven , or blasts from hell , be thy intents wicked , or charitable , thou comst in such a questionable shape , that i will speak to thee , spouted skeeter . the youth stood still in his path but went on with his weird near tune . skeeter approached him and the others followed , although poor lil found herself limping painfully . please , we are lost . oh , no , not lost , for i have found you uns . we uns is always findin . his voice had an indescribable softness and gentleness and his blue eyes a far away look as though he lived in some other world . only tother day we uns most found a great bird floating in the sky , but it flew away . we uns thought at first it was lost but it wasnt . if it had a been lost , we uns would have found it . a great big bird , biggern a bald headed eagle , biggern a buzzard . now that you have found us , what are you going to do with us . asked lil . oh , what we uns finds , we uns hides agin . thars a hole in the mounting whar we uns puts things . uhhh  brigand , sure enough . whispered lucy . but you wouldnt put us there , because we are alive . you have a home somewhere near here , havent you . asked frank . but the half witted fellow shook his head sadly . we uns aint got no mo home since they came and found my maw  came and found her and hid her in the ground . we uns must have lost her and never can find her  there are lots of other things to find , and his blue eyes that had looked all clouded at the sad thought of never finding his mother , now began to sparkle . only this evening we uns found the prettiest light in the sky  gone now  we uns could hide it in the hole , but we uns will find another . where do you live . skeeter asked it gently . oh , we uns lives with the spring keeper . the spring keeper . who is he . oh , we uns found him when they took my maw . he is a little daffy  is what folks say , but we uns cant see but he is as smart as them what laughs at him . the young people were quite aghast at the news that the person with whom this strange being lived was considered daffy . the boys had their doubts about the advantage of asking shelter in a house where two crazy people lived , but perhaps the spring keeper was not crazy , after all . this young man certainly seemed harmless enough , and perhaps he could show them the way to greendale . does the spring keeper live far from here . asked lil . oh , no , just round the mounting . we uns will show you uns the way . he filled his bucket at the crystal spring and then led the way along the narrow path . who taught you to play the jews harp . asked lucy . nobody . we uns just makes the music we uns finds in the trees . we uns can make the tune the bee tree makes , too . we uns can do so many things . we uns made these pants and every day we uns sews a pretty new color on this shirt . the spring keeper fetches pretty cloth from the store and sometimes we uns sews quilts . look , thars the place whar the spring keeper lives when he aint a tendin to his business . what is his business . asked frank . we uns done told you hes a spring keeper . be you uns daffy , too . that made them all laugh , and then the guide laughed too , delightedly . now we uns is found some happiness . he exclaimed . the spring keeper says that is all thats worth finding . he says he has found it but he never laughs like that . he just smiles but never makes no music when hes happy . but neither does the sunshine . the cabin which they were approaching was different in a way from the usual one found in the mountains . it was made of logs and had the outline of the ordinary abode of the mountaineer , but a long porch went along two sides and this porch was screened . screening is something almost unheard of with the natives , although the flies abound in the mountains as well as in the valleys . a little clearing around the cabin was one great tangle of flowers golden glow , love in , four oclocks , bachelors buttons , zenias , asters , hollyhocks , sunflowers , poppies , cornflowers , scarlet sage , roses and honeysuckles . some greedy bees were still buzzing around the roses , although the sun was down and it was high time all laborers were knocking off for the night . there was a light in the cabin which sent a very cheering message to the foot sore travelers  an odor of cooking that appealed very strongly to all of them but sent skeeter off into an ecstasy of anticipation . the guide put down his bucket of water and placing his jews harp to his lips gave a kind of buzzing call . immediately an old man came out of the door . is that you , tom tit . it was such a kind , sweet voice that the four were made sure they were right in coming to his abode . yes , spring keeper, , and we uns found something . ill be bound you have . what is it this time . another aeroplane or a rainbow . no , it is four laughs , look . the old man did look , and when he saw the wanderers , he hastened out to make them welcome . never was there a more charming manner than his . no wonder the half witted youth thought of the sunshine in connection with his smile . he was tall and stalwart , with a long gray beard that could only be equalled by santa claus himself . his hair was silver white and his cheeks as rosy as a girl would like to have hers . his eyes were gray and so kind and twinkling that all fear of his being crazy was immediately dispelled from the minds of our young people . they thought they were lost but they were wrong  uns found em . good work , tom tit . and now what are we to do with them . he asked , although he did not wait to find out what his poor companion had in his befuddled mind but ushered them to the porch , where he made the girls comfortable in steamer chairs and let the boys find seats for themselves . their story was soon told and much was their amazement to learn that they were more than ten miles from greendale . you must have been walking all day in the wrong direction . no wonder this poor little girl is limping . now the first thing for us to do is to have something to eat . ahem . from skeeter . the spring keeper smiled . ah , methinks thou hast a lean and hungry look . hungrys not the word . starving belgium is nothing to me . i feel as though i had nothing to eat since yesterday . oh , skeeter . think of all that lunch . exclaimed lil , lolling back luxuriously in the steamer chair with grass cloth cushions tucked in around her . why , mr .  . he has done nothing but eat all day . we think it is very hard on you for all of us to come piling in on you this way , said lucy . hard on us . why , tom tit and i are so happy we hardly know what to do to show it , said the old man kindly . but you must excuse me while i go prepare some food for you . but you must let us help . from the girls , although lil was rather perfunctory in her offers of assistance . she felt as though nothing short of dynamite could get her out of that chair . no , indeed . tom tit and i are famous cooks and we can get something ready in short order . please , sir , said frank , who had been very quiet while the others were telling their host of their adventures , i  not stop one moment to eat or anything else . i want you to tell me how to find my way back to greendale so i can tell the people at the camp that lucy and lil are all right . they were put in our charge , and i must let them know . of course , i am going , too , put in skeeter , but i thought i might eat first . everyone had to laugh at poor skeeters rueful countenance . the spring keeper smiled broadly , but he patted frank on the back . have you a telephone at camp . yes , we had to put one in . well , then , well just phone them even before we begin to cook our feast . phone . have you a telephone here . exclaimed lucy . yes , my dear young lady . i love the wildwood , but i have to know whats going on in the world . a man who does not take the good the gods provide him in the way of modern inventions is a fool . i may be a fool , but im not that kind of a fool . lucy , you had better do the phoning so theyll know you girls are safe , first thing , suggested frank . yes , and it had better be done immediately , said their host . central in the mountains goes to roost very early , and you might not get connection . ill call up greendale and make them give me the camp . connection was got without much trouble and lucy took the receiver . hello . is that camp carter . well , this is me . lucy . is it you . in helens distracted tones from the other end . yes , its me , and all of us are all right , but we are going to spend the night out . out where . about ten miles from greendale . you mean outdoors . oh , no with a spring keeper . a what . oh , lucy , are you crazy . we are so uneasy about all of you , we are nearly wild . its dark as can be and we are trying to keep it from mother and father that you have not come home . tell me where you are . speak distinctly and loudly and stop giggling . of course the usual giggles had rendered lucy unable to speak . here , skeeter , come and tell her . she gasped . hello , miss helen . im skeeter . the girls are all right . yes , frank and i are , too . we got lost somehow and never did find jude hanfords , but we found a kind gentleman who lives way over on another mountain and he is going to feed us right now . who is the gentleman . mr . spring keeper is his name . you cant get home somehow tonight . nom . lil is mighty tired and will have to rest up some . well be home tomorrow . you mustnt worry about the girls  all right and the gentleman is bully . well tell you all about it when we see you . say , miss helen , the lunch was out of sight . you bet it was when once skeeter got his hooks into it , muttered frank . the supper will be , too , in no time . well , good bye, , skeeter . we are still trusting you and frank to take care of our girls and bring them back safely . i knew all the time you were doing your best , although i was uneasy about all of you . i was afraid you had shot each other or snakes had bitten you or something . not on your life . we shot some squirrels and got you some fox grapes , though . good bye . good bye . i tell you , miss helen is a peach , he added to frank , after he hung up the receiver . she is still trusting us . chapter xvi tom tit im dying to know who he is and what he is , whispered lil to lucy , as they tidied themselves up a bit in the neat little room to which the gray bearded host had shown them . som i . did you ever see such a cute little room . it looks like a stateroom on the steamboat . do you reckon we will sleep in here . it was a tiny little room with one great window . two bunks were built in the wall opposite the window , one over the other . a little mirror hung over a shelf whereon the girls found a white celluloid comb and brush , spotlessly clean  , the whole room was so clean that one doubted its ever having been occupied . the floor was scrubbed until lucy said it reminded her of a well kept kitchen table . a rag rug was the only decoration the room boasted and that was a beautiful thing of brilliant hue . the walls were whitewashed , also the doors , of which there were two , one opening into the main room and the other one , the girls fancied , into a cupboard . aint it grand we got lost . from lil , as she made a vain endeavor to see her sunburned nose in the mirror that was hung so high she was sure mr . spring keeper had never had a female visitor before , or if he had , it had been a giantess . hurry up . your nose is all right . we can help him some , and im just dying to hear the story of his life . do you reckon he will tell us all about himself and poor tom tit without our pumping him . i believe he is a king or something . whether the old gentleman were a king or not , he could certainly cook a supper to a kings taste . skeeters nostrils were quivering with anticipatory enjoyment as the lost ones took their seats around the massive table in the comfortable living room . it looks like a room i saw at the movies last spring , frank had said to skeeter , as they waited for the girls to finish dolling up . that one had a stone fireplace and furniture that looked just like this , great big tables and chairs that must have been made out of solid oak or walnut or something . the hero had fashioned them himself with a jack knife, , i believe . the mantelpiece was high just like this one , but there were skins spread on the floor instead of these rag rugs . it is a bully room , and , gee , what a good smell of eats . the supper was a simple one , consisting of corn pone and buttermilk , bacon and scrambled eggs . i am giving you exactly what tom tit and i were to have . i only tripled the quantity , said their host , as they drew up the chairs to the great table . then we arent so very much trouble . asked lil . trouble . why , my dear young lady , tom tit and i would not live on this thoroughfare if we did not love visitors . thoroughfare . gasped lucy . maybe the old gentleman was daffy . why , certainly . you dont know how many things happen in the mountains . someone is always turning up . eh , tom tit . yes , indeed . we uns finds something every day . one time it was a baby fox and one time it was a man in ugly striped pants . he means our convict . it was a poor fellow who had escaped from a road gang and took refuge in the mountains and tom tit found him almost starved to death . we fed him up until he could go back to work . you didnt give him up . asked frank , his eyes flashing . oh , no he gave himself up . i got him to tell me just exactly why he was put in the penitentiary , and since his crime surely warranted some punishment , i made him understand that the best thing for him to do was go back to his road making and expiate his crime . that was much better than being hounded for the rest of his time . what do you think about it . y e , you are right , but im glad you didnt give him up . tom tit and i go see him every now and then . tom tit feels sorry for him because his trousers are so ugly . he likes to work and wouldnt mind road building a bit . when we uns digs , we uns finds so many things , but we uns couldnt wear such ugly pants . sometime we uns is a goin to make the poor sick man some pretty pink ones like these , and he stood up to show his bright pink trousers . they were strangely fashioned , looking rather like turkish trousers . was the man sick . asked lucy , devoutly praying that a fit of the giggles would not choke her . you see , tom tit and i think that when persons are what the world and the law calls bad , they are really sick . sometimes they are too sick to be cured , but not often . it is the fault of the doctors and the system and not theirs when they are not cured . do you live here all the time . asked lil . she was dying of curiosity about the strange pair who were so ill assorted and still so intimate . tom tit does , but i have to go away for a time every fall and winter and tom tit keeps house for me while i am gone . he is a famous housekeeper . do you get lonesome all by yourself . asked lucy . we uns aint never alone . theres the baby fox and the cow and the chickens , and every day we uns tries to find something and then we uns has to write it down for the spring keeper ginst he comes home . every day we uns has to go to the post office for the letter , too , and that takes time . the days in winter are so short . oh , do you get a letter every day . how jolly . my mother doesnt write to me but once a week , said lil , of course she phones me in the meantime and sends me candy and things . we uns never does git letters from maw , and poor tom tits eyes clouded sadly . ever since the men came and found her and hid her in that hole she aint writ a line to poor tom tit . but you write to her every time you write to me , dont you , tom tit . and the old gentleman put a calming and kindly hand on the shoulder of the trembling youth . it seemed that at every mention of mothers the thought of his own mother came back to him and the agony he went through with at the time of her death seized hold of him . the young people learned later from their host , while tom tit was washing the supper dishes , all about the poor boys history . tom tits mother was a very fine woman of an intelligence and character that was remarkable even in these mountains where intelligence and character are the rule rather than the exception . she had no education , but the things she could accomplish without education were enough to make the ones who have been educated blush to think how little they do with it . she had evolved a philosophy of her own of such goodness and serenity that to know her and talk with her was a privilege . she seemed to me to be like these mountains , where she was born and where she died . she had trouble enough to break the spirit of any ordinary mortal , but she said her spirit was eternal and could not be broken . her husband was a very desperate character . convicted of illicit distilling , he was sentenced to serve a term in the penitentiary , but he managed to escape and for one whole year he evaded the sheriff , hiding in the mountains . of course his wife had to go through the agony of this long search . she told me she had never slept more than an hour at a time while her husband was in hiding . that was the one thing she was bitter over  long hounding of her husband . she used to say if the government had spent the money and energy in educating the mountaineers that they had in hunting for them , there would have been no cause for hunting for them . moonshining is to them a perfectly reasonable and lawful industry , and nothing but education can make them see it differently . his hiding place was finally ferreted out and he was surrounded and captured , but not before he had managed to shoot five men , killing two of them and being fatally wounded himself . that was many years ago when tom tit was a little chap of three . melissa , the mother , was wrapped up in the child . his intelligence then was keen and his love of nature and beautiful things was so pronounced from the beginning that if this cloud had not come over his intellect he would surely have been a great artist of some kind , whether poet , painter or musician , i cant say . perhaps all of them , like leonardo da vinci . exclaimed lil , who always did know things . the old gentleman smiled at her appreciatively . what is an artist but a person who finds things , just like my poor tom tit , and then is able to tell to the world what he has found . when he writes to you , does he tell you things in poetical language . asked lucy , her gray eyes very teary as she listened to the story of the mountain youth . my dear , his writing is not ordinary writing . he can neither read nor write as you think of it . his letters to me are written in another way . he tells me what he has found each day with some kind of rude drawing or with some device of his own . please show us some of them . begged all four of the guests . i am going to let you guess what he meant . he took from his desk in the corner a packet of large envelopes . i leave with my friend enough addressed and stamped envelopes to run him until i return , and all he has to do is put in his letter and seal it and drop it in the box at bear hollow , our post office . sometimes he draws me a picture and sometimes he just sends me something he has found . what do you think he intended to convey by this . on a sheet of paper were drawn many stars of various kinds and sizes , and down in the corner was what was certainly meant for an axe . clear night and going coon hunting , i think , said skeeter solemnly . no . cried lucy and lil in a breath . those are meant for snow flakes . it has begun to snow . right you are . good girls , go up head . and how about the axe , since it is not meant to signify coon hunting . it is going to be cold , suggested the practical frank , and he must go to work and lay in wood before the snow gets deep . fine . i am glad to see there are others who can interpret my poor tom tits letters . now this is the one i received the next day . it was evidently meant for a deep snow . the roof of a house and a few bare branches were shown but from the chimney a column of smoke ascended and in that smoke was plainly drawn a grin a mouth with teeth . snowed under . cried skeeter . but he got his wood cut and is now sitting by the fire quite happy , even grinning , declared lucy . right again . now comes a piece of holly and a pressed violet . that means that he finds a little belated violet in our flower beds in spite of the fact that the holly is king at this season . sometimes he has so much to tell me that he must make many pictures . here he found a sunset and it was so beautiful that he had to paint it with his colored crayons . this is where he fed the birds during the deep snow . he has a trough where he puts grain and seeds and crumbs for his winged friends . this is a picture of the trough and see the flocks of birds he has tried to draw to show how many are fed in his trough . this means a stranger has come in on him . it was a picture of a hat and staff and down one side of the page were many drops of water , at least that was what the interested audience thought they were . at the top was an eye . oh , i know . exclaimed lil . if a hat and staff mean a stranger , those drops of water must mean rain . the eye looks like a mormon sign , suggested skeeter . i bet it means this , said lil , studying the page intently . it means the stranger is old , or he would not have a staff , and it means he is unhappy . those drops are tear drops . see how sad the eye looks . oh , a daniel come to judgment . young lady , you are right . that was a tired , sick traveler that our tom tit found and brought in and looked after for two weeks last winter . he was trying to cross the mountains and got lost and tom tit picked him up , almost starved and frozen . in this one , he shows the sick guest is still with him and in bed . he cannot draw faces well and hates to make anything too grotesque , so he usually has a sign or symbol for persons . the staff and hat in bed mean the guest is there . these little saddle bags and hat mean he had to send for the doctor . look at the medicine the poor staff and hat must take from the cruel saddle bags . his own symbol is usually a jews harp, , although sometimes he makes himself a kind of butterfly  just like whistler . cried lil . yes , and in his way he is as great an artist as whistler , said the old man sadly . if he had only had his chance . well , . maybe he is happier as he is . i never saw a happier person , as a rule , than my poor boy . tom tit could never have written letters that would have been put in a book and called the gentle art of making enemies , as that other great artist did . he makes friends with every living thing , and inanimate objects are friendly to him , too , i sometimes think . if his wits had been spared him , the world would have called him and the peace of the mountains would no longer have been his . the old man fingered the packet of letters tenderly while the young guests sat thoughtfully by . they could hear the cheerful tom tit in the kitchen washing dishes and whistling a strange crooning melody . here it is spring and he has found the first hepatica . see , he sends me a pressed one . and this is my love letter . what do you make of it . it was six little stamped envelopes , all with wings , and in the corner was a jews harp unmistakably dancing a jig . i know . i know . cried lucy . so do i . from lil . i cant see any kind of sense in it . pondered frank . nor i , grumbled skeeter . you girls just make up answers . im going to whisper my answer to mr . spring keeper, , suggested lil . the old man smiled as lil whispered her answer . good . splendid . and now what do you think . turning to lucy . i think that he has only six envelopes left , and that means you will be back in six days . he is so happy he is dancing and he is so busy the days are just flying away . well , if you girls arent clever . no wonder they say women are the most appreciative sex although men are the creative . a few men create while all women appreciate . and now , my dear young people , this is so pleasant for me that i am afraid of being selfish , so i am going to insist on your going to bed . you have had a hard day and must be tired . we have had a wonderful day with a wonderful en  said lil , a yawn hitting her midway so she could not get out the ding . but i hate to go to bed until you tell us something about yourself , blurted out skeeter . the story of the half witted young mountaineer was very interesting , no doubt , but skeeter wanted to know why this highly educated gentleman was spending so much time in the mountains , cooking for himself and taking care of lost sheep . oh , my story is such an ordinary one i can tell it while i light a candle for these young ladies , laughed their host , not at all angry at skeeters curiosity , although lil and lucy were half dead of embarrassment when skeeter came out so flat footed with the question which was almost bubbling over on their lips , but which they felt they must not put . i am a successful manufacturer  i have made enough money selling clothes pins and ironing boards and butter tubs to stop . in fact , i stopped many years ago and now i do nothing but enjoy myself in my own way . and that way is  . trying to help a little . in the winter i live in new york and teach the boys clubs on the east side , and in the summer i am spring keeper in the mountains . but isnt your name mr . spring keeper . asked lil . no , my dear , spring keeping is my occupation . my name is walter mcrae . here is your candle , and pleasant dreams . wont you tell us some more about yourself . asked lucy as she took the candle from him . another time . anything so dry as my story will keep . chapter xvii the spring keeper isnt this grand . were the last words both of our girls uttered as they rolled into the bunks that had been made up with fresh , lavender scented linen . the brigands had captured them certainly and their adventure was complete . the boys were sleeping on the porch in hammocks . mr . mcrae always slept on the porch unless weather drove him in , and tom tit had a little room that he loved , where he kept his treasures , all those he did not put in the hole in the mountain . dawn found the babes in the wood much refreshed . the boys were up and out early , helping tom tit milk the cow and chop wood . mr . mcrae had started the cooking of breakfast when lucy and lil appeared . we are so ashamed to be late but we almost slept our heads off , they apologized . now let us help . all right , set the table and skim the milk and get the butter out of the dairy . the dairy was a cave dug in the side of the mountain where all their food was kept cool in summer and warm in winter . we shall breakfast on the porch . the girls made all haste and set the table with great care . lets get him to tell us all about himself this morning , whispered lucy . im dying to hear about him . isnt he romantic . im crazy about him . dont you reckon hell go to the camp with us . nan would be wild over him . yes , but hes ours . we certainly found him . you sound like tom tit , laughed lil . i hope the people at the camp wont laugh at poor tom tit , said lucy . if we could only get there a little ahead and prepare them for his pink pants . she need not have worried , as the wise mr . mcrae knew how to manage tom tit so that he discarded his pink pants when he was to go among strangers . now , tom tit , we must hurry with all of our duties so we can make an early start to walk home with our guests and we must put on our corduroys for such a long tramp , as the brambles might tear your lovely new trousers . so poor tom tit did the outside chores with the help of the boys , while the girls assisted mr . mcrae in the house . having breakfasted a little after dawn , by seven oclock they were ready for their ten mile tramp back to the camp . the boys shouldered their guns and the sacks of fox grapes and squirrels . mr . mcrae took with him a small spade while tom tit carried a hoe . i cant help thinking both of them are a bit loony , skeeter whispered to lucy . why on earth do they want to carry garden tools on a ten mile tramp . loony yourself . i reckon they want to dig something . the old gentleman , as though divining skeeters thoughts , remarked tom tit and i have a little duty to attend to today , so we are taking our implements . there are several springs i have not been able to visit this summer and i am going to combine duty with pleasure and look after them today . look after springs . what for . from skeeter . i thought i told you that i am a spring keeper . perhaps you dont know what a spring keeper is . n  . not exactly . said skeeter . well , every country child knows that in every spring there is or should be a spring keeper to keep the water clear . it is a kind of crawfish . it may be a superstition that he really does purify water . at any rate , it is a pleasing idea that he can . whether he can or not , i know i can help a great deal by digging out of the springs the old dead roots and vegetable matter that decays there , so my self appointed job is to keep the springs of albemarle county in condition . i am sure i have saved many families from typhoid in the last years . that is something . i was born in the mountains , born in a cabin that stands just where the one i live in now stands , in fact the chimney is the same one that has always been there , but the house is new . when i was a mere lad , about twelve years old , there was a terrible epidemic of typhoid fever in the mountains . my whole family was wiped out by it , my father , mother and two sisters dying of it . i just did escape with my life and was nursed back to health by tom tits granny , as good a woman as ever lived . afterwards , having no home ties , i drifted to the city where i was successful financially . we of the mountains had not known in the old days what caused typhoid , but afterwards , when i learned it was the water we drank , i determined to come back to my county whenever i could and make some endeavor to better the conditions . would god that i might have been sooner . my poor boy had an attack of the dread disease just the year before i got my affairs in condition to leave new york , and that is what caused his brain trouble . tom tit was ahead of the party , gazing up into the air as his old friend spoke . he had a rapt expression on his face that made him for the moment look like guido renis christ . sometimes , continued the old man , in typhoid , the temperature is so high that certain brain tissue seems to be burned out . i am afraid that is what has happened to my boy . all of us have been inoculated against typhoid , said lucy . dr . wright insisted on it  member of the family . helen kicked like a steer but she had to do it , too . well named , well named , that young doctor . i try to get the friends in the mountains to submit to it , too , but it is a difficult matter . i keep the virus on hand all the time , a fresh supply . if i cant persuade them to let me give them the treatment , i can at least keep their springs clean for them . sometimes they even object to that , he laughed , but they cant help it , as i do it without their leave . they say i take all the taste out of the water . their way lay around the mountain instead of over it , the course they had taken the day before , and much to the amazement of the young people , they went to the left instead of to the right . but greendale is that way . declared frank , pointing to the east . greendale is really due north of us , but i thought you wanted to go by jude hanfords cabin to do your errand . we could go either way to the camp from here , but if we go east , we will miss jude . well , if that doesnt beat all . exclaimed frank . mr . mcrae laughed . what would you have done last night if tom tit had not found you and brought you home . i was going to lie right down and let the robins cover me up , said lil . i was going to climb the highest tree and look out and see if i could spy a light , like the cock in the musicians of bremen , said lucy . i was going to follow the path from the spring , said frank . i felt sure from the cleanliness of the spring that we were near some house . and i was going to build a fire and skin the squirrels and have supper , declared skeeter . i was just about famished and i knew that food was what lil and lucy needed to put heart in them . yes , it wouldnt . laughed lil . much good burnt squirrel without any salt would do a bruised heel . that was all that was the matter with me . that ten miles back to the camp seemed much shorter than it had the day before , and in fact it was , as they made no digressions on the homeward trip . we must really have walked twenty miles yesterday . just think how many times we doubled on our tracks , said frank when they finally came to a familiar spot . they found jude hanfords yard running over with frying sized chickens and on his door step a water bucket full of eggs all ready to take to the store . of course he was pleased to sell them without having to take off the commission for the middleman . he joined their procession , with his eggs and three dozen chickens distributed among the bearers . chapter xviii more finds look . exclaimed lucy as they neared the camp . mr . smith is flying this morning . i wonder who is with him . he hasnt taken me yet but he promised to today . please dont tell mother . she would be terribly alarmed at the prospect . oh , theres my bird . and tom tit dropped his hoe and the basket of chickens he was carrying and clasped his hands in an ecstasy of delight . see , how it floats . i have found it again . i have found it again . tom tit , would you like to fly with that great bird . asked lucy gently . fly . oh , i always dream i can fly . can i really fly . yes , tom tit , if you want to i will give you my place . the birdman promised to take me today and i will get him to take you instead . tom tit looked wonderingly and trustingly at lucy . mr . mcrae smiled his approval . it will be an experience my boy will remember all his life . spending the night at your home will be one we will remember always , too . it beat flying , and all of the wanderers agreed with her . mr . tom smith was perfectly willing to take tom tit on a flight if he promised to sit still , which of course he did . the aeroplane was a great astonishment to him and the fact that the birdman could leave the bird and talk and walk filled him with awe . we uns aint never seen buzzards and eagles git outn their wings , but then we uns aint never been so clost to the big ones , the ones that sails way up in the clouds . when they landed after a rather longer flight than tom smith usually took the would be flyers , tom tits expression was that of one who has glimpsed the infinite . he said not a word for a moment after he found himself once more on terra firma , and then he turned to his old friend and whispered oh , spring keeper, , i have found so many things that ill never be sad again . the carters , of course , gave mr . mcrae a warm welcome . they could not do enough to express their gratitude for his kindness and hospitality to their young people . mrs . carter was graciousness itself to the old man , but looked rather askance at the queer figure of his companion . i wonder what she would have thought had she seen his pink calico trousers and his patched shirt that he considered so beautiful . bobby , however , was drawn to him immediately and treated him just as though he had been another little boy who had come to see him . he took his new friend to see all of his bird houses and water wheels , and tom tit followed him about with adoration in his eyes . we uns kin talk like you uns when we uns remembers , said bobby . we uns would like to talk like spring keeper but always forgits , sighed tom tit . spring keeper used to talk just like we uns when he was little but hes got larnin now . we uns dont never want no larnin , declared bobby . taint no use . josh wants to git larnin , too , but when he does he aint goin to be my bes frien no mo . im a goin to be you bes frien then i mean , we uns is . whats a bes frien . we uns aint never found one . oh , a bes frien is somebody you likes to be with all the time . oh , then spring keeper is a bes frien . but he is an old man . a bes frien must be young . then we unsll have to take the baby fox . will that do . oh , yes , thatll do ifn they aint no boys around . we uns will keep the baby fox for one of them things until josh gits larnin and then you kin be it , and tom tit laughed for joy . is you uns ever flew . tom tit asked bobby . no  mother is so skittish like , she aint never let me . shes bout one of the scaredest ladies they is . we uns maw is done flew away herself and she didnt mind when we uns went a bit . we uns useter think that when the men found maw they took her and hid her in a hole in the ground . spring keeper done tole me lots of times that she wasnt in the ground but had flew up to heaven , but we uns aint never seed no one fly , so we uns just thought he was a foolin . and you see , he whispered , spring keeper is kinder daffy sometimes , so the folks say , and we uns has to humor him . but now  uns done flewed away up in the air . if we uns kin fly , why maw kin do it , too . she aint in a hole in the ground no mo . we uns almost saw her flyin way up over the mountain tops . im  mean we uns is a goin to come to see you . my father is goin to take me there some day . kin you play on the victrola . no  uns aint never seed one . what is it . why , it makes music . oh , we uns kin play the jews harp . gee . i wish i could  mean we uns wishes we uns could . if you show me how to play the jews harp, , ill show you how to play the victrola . come on , ill show you first while thaint nobody in the pavilion . you see , my sisters is some bossy an theys always sayin i scratch the records an wont never let me play it by myself , but they is about the bossiest ever . i aint a goin to hurt the old records . tom tit looked at the victrola with wondering eyes while bobby wound it up . he had seen a small organ once and the postmistress at bear hollow had a piano , but this musical instrument was strange indeed . im a gonter leave the record on that helens been a playin . i dont know what it is . i cant read good yet but i reckon its something pretty . it was zimbalist playing the humoresque . fancy the effect of such a wonderful combination of sounds breaking for the first time on the sensitive ears of this mountain youth . he had heard music in the wind and music in the water the birds had sung to him and the beasts had talked to him but what was this . he stood like one enchanted , his hands clasped and his lips parted . at one point in the music when the great artist was evidently putting his whole soul in it , tom tit began to sob . tears rolled down his cheeks . why , whats the matter . dont you like it . ill put a ragtime piece on , cried bobby , abruptly stopping the machine with a scraping sound that certainly proved he was a great scratcher of records . oh , now its lost . its lost . we uns thought we uns had found something beautiful . where has it gone . did you like it then . what made you bawl . we uns has to cry when we uns finds something beautiful sometimes . we uns cries a little when the sun sets but it is tears of happiness . can you uns play that again . sure . and bobby started up the humoresque again and this time tom tit dried his eyes and stood with a smile on his face . oh , spring keeper . he cried when mr . mcrae came hunting him , we uns has found something more beautiful than sunsets and flowers  than birds  than pink  than blue or yellow . it shines like dew and tastes like honey  , spring keeper, , listen . yes , my boy , it is beautiful . and now i think you have found enough things for today and we must go home . go home and leave this . and tom tit embraced the victrola . we uns cant leave it . listen , my boy . i will get one for you . i dont know why i never thought of it before . within a week you shall have one all your own and play it as much as you choose . of course bobby had to be instructed in the rudiments of jews harp playing first , according to agreement , and then with many expressions of mutual regard our young people parted from the spring keeper and tom tit . chapter xix a discussion august was over and our girls were not sorry . the camp had been like an ant hill all during that month of holidays . not that it had been a month of holidays for the carters , far from it . there had been times when they did not see how they could accomplish the work they had undertaken . they were two hands short almost all of the month which made the work fall very heavily on the ones who were left . gwen was taken up with aunt mandy , the kind old mountain woman who had been so good to the little english orphan . now that aunt mandy was ill , gwen felt it her duty to be with her day and night . susan was so busy waiting on mrs . carter that she never had time for her regular duties in the kitchen . lewis and bill were terribly missed . they had done so many things for the campers , had been so strong and willing and untiring in their service that the girls felt the place could hardly be run without them . skeeter and frank did all they could but they were but slips of lads after all and there were many things where a mans strength was necessary . mr . carter was glad to help when he was called on , but he did not seem to see the things that were to be done without having them pointed out . when there was much of a crowd he rather shrank from the noise and the girls felt they must not let him be made nervous by the confusion . of course there was much confusion when twenty and more boarders would arrive at once , have to be hauled up the mountain and assigned tent room and then as oscar would say , have to be filled up . the girls would do much giggling and screaming the young men would laugh a great deal louder than their jokes warranted , and the boys seemed to think that camp was a place especially designed for practical jokes . it was a common thing to hear shrieks from the tents when the crowd was finally made to retire by the chaperone , and then the cry , ouch . chestnut burrs in my bed . once it was a lemon meringue pie , brought all the way from richmond by an inveterate joker who felt that a certain youth was too full of himself and needed taking down a peg . now there is nothing much better than a lemon meringue pie taken internally , but of all the squashy abominations to find in ones bed and to have applied externally , a lemon meringue pie is the worst . it was as a censor of practical jokes that douglas and helen missed the young soldiers most . they had been wont to stand just so much and no more from the wild indians who came to camp carter for the week end, , and now that there was no one to reach forth a restraining hand , there was no limit to the pranks that were played . mrs . carter felt that the job of chaperone for such a crowd was certainly no sinecure . she complained quite bitterly of her duties . after all , they consisted of having the new comers introduced to her and of presiding at supper and of staying in the pavilion until bed time . miss elizabeth somerville had made nothing of it , and one memorable night when there was too much racket going on from the tents the boys occupied , she had arisen from her bed in the cabin and , wrapped in a dressing gown and armed with an umbrella , had marched to the seat of war and very effectively quelled the riot by laying about her with said umbrella . the girls looked back on her reign , regretting that it was over . it was lovely to have their mother with them again but she was quite different from the mother they had known in richmond in the luxurious days . that mother had always been gentle while this one had a little sharp note to her voice that was strange to them . it was most noticeable when she had expressed some desire that was not immediately gratified . i am quite tired of chicken , she said to douglas one day . i wish you would order some sweetbreads for me . i need building up . this rough life is very hard on me and nothing but my being very unselfish and devoted makes me put up with it . yes , mother . i am sorry , but my order for this week is in the mail and i could not change it now , but i will send a special order for some texas sweetbreads to charlottesville . i have no doubt i can get them there . either the order or the sweetbreads went astray . mrs . carter refused to eat any dinner in consequence and sulked a whole day . if she only doesnt complain to father we can stand it , douglas confided to nan . what are we going to do , nan . i am so afraid she will make father feel he must go back to work , and then all the good of the rest will be done away with . she treats me , somehow , as though it were all my fault . oh no , honey , you mustnt feel that way . poor little mumsy is just spoiled to death and does not know how to adapt herself to this change of fortune . you see , nan , now that mr . lane has had to go to texas with the militia the business is at a standstill . he was trying to fill the orders they had on their books without fathers help . yes , mr . tucker said that fathers business was a one man affair and when that one man , father , was out of the running there was nothing to do about it . thank goodness , father is not worrying about things himself . i know we should be thankful , but somehow his not worrying makes it just so much more dreadful . i feel that he is even more different than mother . it is an awful problem  to do . whats a problem . asked helen , coming suddenly into the tent where her sisters were engaged in the above conversation . oh , just  much . faltered douglas . now thats a nice way to treat a partner . you and nan are always getting off and whispering together and not letting me in on it . whats worrying you . the situation . political or climatic . carteratic . drawled nan . we were talking about mother and father . what about them . is father worse . helen was ever on the alert when her fathers well being was in question . no , he is better in some ways , but unless he is kept free from worry he will never be well , said douglas solemnly . she had not broached the subject of money with helen since the question of white sulphur had been discussed by them , feeling that helen would not or could not understand . whos going to worry him . not i . of course not you . just the lack of money is going to worry him , and he is going to feel the lack of it if mother wants things and cant have them . why dont you let her have them . how can i . i havent the wherewithal any more than you . i thought we were making money . so we are , but not any great amount . i think it is wonderful that we have been able to support ourselves and put anything in the bank . i had to draw out almost all of our earnings to pay for the things mother bought in new york , not that i wasnt glad to do it , but that means we have not so much to go on for the winter . oh , for goodness sake dont be worrying about the winter now . mother says our credit is so good we need not worry a bit . douglas and nan looked at each other sadly . douglas turned away with a whats the use expression . helen looked a little defiant as she saw her sisters distress . see here , helen . and this time nan did not drawl . helen realized her little sister was going to say something she must listen to . you have got a whole lot of sense but you have got a whole lot to learn . i know you are going to laugh at me for saying you have got to learn a lot that i , who am two years younger than you , already know . you have got to learn that our poor little mumsys judgment is not worth that , and nan snapped her finger . nan . you ought to be ashamed of yourself . well , i am ashamed of myself , but i am telling the truth . i dont see the use in pretending any more about it . i love her just as much , but anyone with half an eye can see it . i think what we must do is to face it and then tactfully manage her . douglas and helen could not help laughing at nan . you see , she continued , it is up to us to support the family somehow and make mumsy comfortable and keep her from telling father that she hasnt got all she wants . of course she cant have all she wants , but she can be warm and fed at least . but , nan , it isnt up to you to support the family , said douglas . you must go back to school , you and lucy . well , it is up to me to spend just as little money as possible and to earn some if i can . i am not going to be a burden on you and helen . you neednt think it . well have the one hundred from the rent of the house and then helen and i shall have to find jobs . what , i dont know . well , i , for one , cant find a job until i get some new clothes , declared helen . i havent a thing that is not hopelessly out of style . cant your last winters suit be done over . mine can . now , douglas , whats the use in going around looking like a frump . i think we should all of us get some new clothes and then waltz in and get good jobs on the strength of them . if i were employing girls i should certainly choose the ones who look the best . douglas shook her head sadly . helen was helen and there was no making her over . she would have to learn her lesson herself and there was no teaching her . dr . wright says we must keep father out of the city this winter but we need not be in the dead country . we can get a little house on the edge of town so nan and lucy can go in to school . i think we can get along on the rent from the house if you and i can make something besides . when the question of where they were to live for the winter was broached to mrs . carter , she was taken quite ill and had to stay in bed a whole day . no one considers me at all , she whimpered to nan , who had brought her a tray with some tea and toast for her luncheon . just because you and douglas like the country you think it is all right . i am sure i shall die in some nasty little frame cottage in the suburbs . it is ridiculous that we cannot turn those wretched people out of my house and let me go back and live in it again . but , mumsy , soothed nan , we are going to make you very comfortable and we will find a pretty house and maybe it will be brick . but to dump me down in the suburbs when i have had to be away from society for all these months as it is . i am sure if i could talk it over with your father he would agree with me  you girls even coerce me in what i shall and shall not say to my own husband . i do not intend to submit to it any longer . oh , mother , please  dont tell father . dr . wright says  dont tell me what dr . wright says . i am bored to death with what he says . i know he has been kind but i cant see that our affairs must be indefinitely directed by him . i will sleep a little now if you will let me be quiet . chapter xx dr . wright to the rescue nan went sadly off . what should she do . dr . wright was expected at the camp that afternoon and she determined to speak to him and ask him once more to interfere in the carters affairs . even if the young physician did bore her mother , it was necessary now for him to step in . if only she would not carry out her threat of speaking to her husband . dr . wright treated the matter quite seriously when nan told him of the mix up . certainly your father must not be worried . it is quite necessary that he shall be kept out of the city for many months yet and no one must talk money to him . cant your mother see this . she doesnt seem to . but helen understands , surely . i  helen thinks father is so much better that we can  of begin to spend again , faltered nan , whose heart misgave her , fearing she might be saying something to obstruct the course of true love which her romantic little soul told her was going on between helen and dr . wright . at least she could not help seeing that he was casting sheeps eyes at helen , and that while helen was not casting them back at him she was certainly not averse to his attentions . begin to spend again . ye gods and little fishes . why , if bills begin to be showered in again on robert carter i will not answer for his reason . he is immensely improved , but it is only because he has had no worries . where is your mother . his face looked quite stern and his kind blue eyes were not kind at all but flashed scornfully . she is in bed . is she ill . well , not exactly  kind of depressed . depressed . depressed over what . oh , dr . wright , i hate to be telling you these things . it looks as though i did not love my mother to be talking about her , but indeed i do . douglas and i are so miserable about it , but we  feel that we are a great deal older than mumsy . we know it is hard on her  of this  all of what . this living such a rough life  having to give up society and our pretty house and everything . of course it is hard , but then arent all of you giving up things , too . but we dont mind  least we dont mind much . it is harder on helen and mother because  they  are kind of different . and they dont understand money . and do you understand it . laughed the young doctor . well , douglas and i understand it better . we know that when you spend a dollar you havent got a dollar , but helen and mother seem to think if you havent got it you can charge it . i think they are suffering with a kind of disease  . george wright was looking quite solemn as he made his way to the cabin where mrs . carter had taken to her bed . he was not relishing the idea of having to speak to the wife of his patient , but speak he must . he knew very well that nan would never have come to him if matters had not reached a crisis . how would helen take his interference . he could not fool himself into the belief that what helen said and thought made no difference to him . it made all the difference in the world . but duty was duty and since he was ministering to a mind diseased , he must guard that mind from all things that were harmful to it , just as much as a doctor who is treating an open wound must see that it is kept aseptic . if robert carters wife was contemplating upsetting the good that had been done her husband , why , it was his duty as that husbands physician to warn her of the result . mrs . carter was looking very lovely and pathetic , acting the invalid . an extremely dainty and costly negligee accentuated her beauty . her cabin room , while certainly not elegant , was perfectly comfortable and kept in spotless condition by the devoted susan . there were no evidences of rough living in her surroundings and the hand which she extended feebly to welcome the physician could not have been smoother or whiter had it belonged to pampered royalty . ah , dr . wright , it is kind of you to come in to see me . she smiled a wan smile . i am sorry you are ill . what is troubling you . he felt her pulse , and finding it quite regular , he smiled , but did not let her see his amusement . i think it is my heart . i can make no exertion without great effort . any appetite . oh , very little  never eat much , and i am so tired of chicken . fried chicken , broiled chicken , stewed chicken . yes , spring chicken is a great hardship , no doubt , he said rather grimly . i like broiled chicken very much in the spring , but i never did care very much for chicken in the summer . people seem to have chicken so much in the summer . i never could see why . it might be because it is cheaper when they are plentiful , he suggested , finding it difficult to keep the scorn he felt for this foolish little butterfly out of his voice . perhaps it is , i never thought of that . helen came in just then , bringing a bouquet of garden flowers that mr . mcrae had sent to the ladies of the camp . i might as well tackle them together , he thought , taking a long breath . ahem  your plans for the winter made yet . he asked mrs . carter . why , the girls  least douglas and nan , have some ridiculous scheme about taking a cottage in the suburbs and letting those people keep my house . i dont see why i need call it my house , however , as i seem to have no say so in the matter , she answered complainingly . helen and i both think it would be much more sensible to go into our own house and be comfortable . douglas is very unreasonable and headstrong . the paltry sum that these tenants pay is the only argument she has against our occupying the house ourselves . excuse me , mrs . carter , but as your husbands physician , i may perhaps be able to point out the relation of the steady , if small , income from the house and his very serious condition . i  thought he was almost well . no , madam , much better but not almost well . do you think that if he were almost well he would sit passively down and let his daughters decide for him as he is doing now . has he not always been a man of action , one to take the initiative . look at him now , not even asking what the plans are when you leave the camp , which you will have to do in the course of a few weeks . cant you see that he is still in a very nervous state and the least little worry might upset his reason . no troubles must be taken to him . he must not be consulted about arrangements any more than bobby would be . his tired brain is beginning to recover and a few more months may make him almost himself again , but , and dr . wright looked so stern and uncompromising that helen and her mother felt that the accusing angel had them on the last day , the day of judgment , if he is worried by all kinds of foolish little things , there will be nothing for him but a sanitarium . i am hoping that he will be spared this , and it rests entirely with his family whether he is spared it or not . oh , doctor , i shall try . and poor little mrs . carter looked very like bobby and not much older . i have been very remiss . i did not know . another thing , and the accusing angel went on in a stern voice . he had heard all of this before from this little butterfly woman and he felt that he must impress upon her even more the importance of guarding her husband from all financial worries . if when hes well he finds bills to be paid and obligations to be met , he will drop right back into the condition in which i found him last may when i was called to the case . you remember , and he turned to helen , his troubled talk about lamb chops and silk stockings , do you not . helen dropped the gay bouquet and covered her face with her hands . great sobs shook her frame . remember . could she ever forget it . and yet she had been behaving as though she had forgotten it , only that morning insisting she must have a new suit before she could get a job . what was dr . wright thinking of her . he had spoken so sternly and looked so scornful . his scorn was all turned to concern now . he had not meant to distress helen so much , only to impress upon her the importance of not letting financial worries reach her father . he looked at the poor stricken little woman who seemed to have shrivelled up into a wizened little child who had just been punished . had he been too severe in his harangue . well , nothing short of severity would reach the selfish heart of mrs . carter . but helen  was not selfish , only thoughtless and young . he had not meant to grieve her like this . im sorry , was all he could say . it seems awful that we should be so blind that you should have to say such things to us , said helen , trying to control her voice . i know i am a worthless woman , said the poor little mother plaintively . nobody ever expected me to be anything else and i have never been anything else . i dont understand finance  dont understand life . please call douglas and nan here , helen . i want to speak to them . let me do it , said the young doctor eagerly . he felt that running away from the scene of disaster would be about the most graceful thing he could do just then . i believe i should like you to be here if you dont mind . nan and douglas were quickly summoned , indeed they were near the cabin , eagerly waiting to hear the outcome of the interview that they well knew dr . wright was having with their mother . my daughters , began the little lady solemnly , i have just come to the realization of my worthlessness . i want all of you to know that i do realize it , and with dr . wright as witness i want to resign in a way as  a guardian to you . your judgment is better than mine and after this i am going to trust to it rather than to my own . i know nothing about money , nothing about economy . douglas , you will have to be head of the family until your poor father can take up his burdens again . whatever you think best to do , i will do . treat me about as you treat bobby and lucy  , not lucy  lucys judgment is better than mine . douglas was on her knees by the bedside , holding her mother in her arms . oh , mumsy . mumsy . dont talk that way about yourself . it most kills me . nan buried her face in her hands . she was sure she felt worse than any of them because she had given voice to exactly the same truth concerning her mother in her conversation with douglas and helen . dr . wright would have been glad if he had never been born , but since he had been he would have welcomed with joy an earthquake if it had only come at that moment and swallowed him up . would helen ever forgive him . he had no idea he was having such an effect on mrs . carter . she had seemed to him heartless and selfish and stubborn . she was in reality nothing but a child . she was no more responsible than bobby himself . mrs . carter , childlike , was in a way enjoying herself very much . had she not been punished and now were not all the grownups sorry for her and petting her . she had announced her policy for ever after and now nothing more was ever to be expected of her . life was not to be so hard after all . her robert was still in a way ill , but he would get well finally , and now douglas would take hold and think for her . her girls would look after her and take care of her . she regretted not having a debutante daughter , as she well knew that society was one thing she could do , but since that was to be denied her , she would be the last person in the world to make herself disagreeable over her disappointment . a saccharine policy was to be hers on and after this date . unselfishness and sweetness were to be synonymous with her name . all of the daughters kissed her tenderly and dr . wright bent over her fair hand with knightly contrition . how pleasant life was . a tray , more daintily arranged than usual , was brought in at supper time , and under a covered dish there reposed the coveted sweetbreads . chapter xxi letters miss nan carter from mr . thomas smith by wireless from the clouds , september .  .  .  . my dear wood nymph i have made many flights and many landings but no landing has been so delightful as the one i made on helicon and no flight so beautiful as when a certain little wood nymph deigned to accompany me . i think very often of the few happy days i spent at week end camp and of the hospitable carters . the picnic on the fallen tree was the very best picnic i ever attended and the game of teakettle the best game i ever played . some day , and not so many years hence i hope it will be , i intend to make a flight and take my teakettle with me . guess what that word is . bellerophon . miss douglas carter from mr . lewis somerville brownsville , texas , september .  .  .  . my dear douglas your letter telling of the doings of the camp made bill and me mighty blue . we think maybe we should not have left you when we did , but we felt we were getting too soft hanging round you girls all the time , and then , too , we wanted to let uncle sam know that we were willing to do any kind of old work that came up to do . if he wanted to ship us from west point , all well and good  was his own affair , but we feel that since he has given us three years education we must pay him back somehow , and enlisting is about the only way we can do it . at first we thought perhaps it had better be with the volunteers , and then we thought maybe the regulars could do better service , so regulars it is . it does seem funny to be in the ranks when we had always expected to be officers , but that is all right  are not grouching . no doubt it is good for us . at least we can get the outlook of the private , and if because of bravery or luck we ever rise from the ranks , we can better understand the men under us . it is awfully hot down here but just when it is so hot that you feel you must turn over on the other side to keep from burning and to brown evenly , why a wind comes up they call a norther and you sizzle like a red hot poker stuck into cold water . a norther is about the coldest and most penetrating thing i have ever struck . we never seem to catch cold , however . the norther blows all the germs off of one , i fancy . bill is fine . already he is known by his guffaw . he let out a laugh the other day that made general funston jump , and i can tell you that is going some . not many people can lay claim to the distinction of having made that great man jump . i think they ought to send bill out to hunt villa . if that bandit is hiding in the mountains , i bet bill could laugh loud enough to make him peep out to see whats up . hes mighty soft on tillie wingo and carries her tin type around his neck . i want to tell you , dear douglas , that i think you were just exactly right to turn me down the way you did . i am ashamed of myself to have asked you to think of me when i realize how far i am from success . i may be a private for the rest of my life and what could i offer a girl like you . i know it wasnt that kept you from being engaged to me , but it would have been very ridiculous for me to have bound you by a promise when i may be old and gray headed before i even get a sergeants stripes . please write to me when you find time and tell me what the plans are for the winter . i wish i could help you some , but about all i am good for is to keep the mexicans from getting into texas and maybe finding their way up to virginia , where you are . i feel about as big as a grain of sand on a texan prairie . my love to all the carters . your very affectionate cousin , lewis somerville . miss helen carter from dr . george wright richmond , va . september .  .  .  . my dear miss helen the thought of having wounded you is very bitter to me . i did not mean to be unkind either to you or your mother . i know you must wish you had never seen me . i seem to have spent my time since i first met you making myself unpleasant . if you can forgive me , please write and say so . i hope your mother is better and that her appetite has returned . if i can be of any service to you at any time and in any way , you must call on me . very sincerely , george wright . miss lucy carter from frank maury richmond , va . september .  .  .  . dear lucy not much on writing but here goes . skeeter and i took lil to the movies last night and we wished for you some . movies dont touch the tramps in the mountains but they are better than nothing . when are you going to leave those diggings and come back to the good old burg . skeeter ate three cream puffs and two ice cream cones after the show and washed them down with a couple of chocolate milk shakes . mrs . halsey says she may have to go to boarding to fill her hopeful up . i pity the boardinghouse keeper . the worst thing about skeeter is that he never shows his keep . after all those weeks in the mountains and all those good eats he is as skinny as ever . do you ever see mr . spring keeper and tom tit . i sent tom tit a rag time record for his new victrola . it is a peach and i bet it will set him to dancing to beat a jews harp . lil , who is mighty missish , says tom tit has too good taste to like such common music but i just know he will like it . skeeter sends his regards . he and i are both to have military training at the high school so you will see us in skimpy blue gray uniforms when you come back to richmond . skeeter looks powerful skinny in his . i dont know what i look like in mine . yours truly , frank maury . the silence of september settled down upon camp carter . the mountains had never been more glorious nor a period of rest and recreation more welcome . noise , numbers , confusion  were conspicuously absent . to look back was gratifying and to feel an inward sense of well done . was satisfying . the summer was over for the carter girls but their work was by no means finished . unforeseen obstacles were no doubt to be met and overcome many problems were to puzzle them and hard lessons were to be learned . but at the same time happy days were to be in store for them , their lives , like all of ours , a mixture of sunshine and shadow , work and play . they looked toward the future with eager hope . in the carter girls mysterious neighbors we will hear how they came in touch with some of the wide reaching events of the world war . chapter i on farleton fell i got up the mountain edge , and from the top saw the world stretcht out , cornlands and forest , the river winding among meadow flats, , and right off , like a hem of the sky , the moving sea . hewlett pan and the young shepherd . travelling from scotland by the london and north western railway , as the train roars down the long incline which leads from shap to the coastal plain of lancashire , the eye catches , on the left hand side , a strange grey hill of bare rock rising abruptly , the last outpost of the mountains . it is so different in appearance from the westmorland fells which have just been traversed , that one looks at it with curiosity , and desires an opportunity of a nearer acquaintance . during the preceding half hour we have been passing through country of the type that is familiar in the lake district and in wales  ridgy hills with rocky or grassy slopes , and fields and trees occupying the lower grounds . but over much of the surface of this grey hill there appear to be scarcely any plants . a dense scrub of hazel and other small trees clings to its screes in patches , but the continuous mantle of vegetation is lacking . the train speeds on through fertile ground with ripening crops and woods standing dense and green , and now on the right , where the low land merges with the sea , we view salt marshes, , which display yet another type of plant growth . here trees and shrubs are absent , and the low growing grey and green plants look fleshy and stunted . in the last thirty miles , indeed , since the train left the summit of shap , we have seen a number of very different types of vegetation , which appear associated with different types of landscape  moory uplands , the naked limestone , the deep woods , the desolate salt marsh . let us in imagination climb the steep scarp of farleton fell , the grey hill of our opening sentence , and consider at leisure some aspects of this teeming plant world and its relations to the earth on which it grows . clambering through a wilderness of stony screes we emerge at length on a bare grey tableland on which , in contrast to the rich country below , vegetation is strangely sparse , and bare rock is everywhere in evidence . if we let the eye sweep round the horizon , we note a similar contrast displayed on broader lines . on the one hand is the mountain land, , with its carpet of grass and heather extending to the very summits on the other hand the broad expanses of bare sand and mud fringing morecambe bay , apparently devoid of any vegetation . and it occurs to us that , before we ponder over the variety and distribution of plant life on this world , we are faced at once with a more profound problem . on this breezy summit , with our minds expanded and stimulated by the sunlight and the breeze , and the broad and beautiful panorama spread around , we must for a moment try to take a wider outlook than him that vexed his brains , and theories built of gossamer upon the brittle winds , perplexed exceedingly why plants were found upon the mountain tops, , but wondering not why plants were found at all , more wondrous still . i trust the paraphrase may be pardoned . why , indeed , should there be plants at all . this great globe , with its whole land surface covered , save at the poles and in desert regions , with green plants in ten thousand forms , is indeed something to be wondered at . one fascinating question that arises is this how far is our lukewarm bullet unique in its possession of a green plant mantle . have we any evidence for the supposition that plants exist on the moon , or on any planets of the solar system other than the earth . vegetation as we know it on our world requires certain physical and chemical conditions for its existence . for instance , a temperature which , at least during the growing season , is well above the freezing point of water is requisite yet the temperature must remain a long way below the boiling point of water neither could plants as we know them exist in the absence of an atmosphere containing oxygen , carbon dioxide , and water vapour , and incidentally , by its capacity for retaining heat , warding off violent extremes of temperature which otherwise would be a daily and nightly occurrence . what evidence is there as to the condition in these respects of those heavenly bodies which are sufficiently near to allow us to know something of them . to take first our own moon . astronomers are agreed that on the moon there is neither air nor water it is a dead mass of solid material , scorched by the sun by day , held in the grip of appalling frost by night . the moon was no doubt at some remote period of the earths history cast off from that body , and it carried off with it a portion of the earths atmosphere , or of the materials which later formed the earths atmosphere . but the attraction of the moon is so small that it was unable to retain these gases on its surface they diffused into space , much of them returning probably to the earth , leaving the moon without any covering of nitrogen or oxygen or hydrogen or water vapour , and thus condemning it to permanent sterility . as regards mercury , the planet nearest the sun , conditions appear equally unfavourable . mercury has ceased to revolve round the sun , and continually presents one side towards that luminary . on the opposite side an extraordinarily low temperature prevails , low enough to solidify and bind permanently most of the gases of any possible atmosphere while , on the other side , the very high temperature , due to perpetual and intense sunshine , has assisted the diffusion into space of the more volatile gases , such as hydrogen , which might have remained unfrozen . the question of life on mars , which in many respects suggests conditions resembling those prevailing on our own globe , has long occupied the attention of men of science , among whom strong advocates of a martian flora and fauna have not been wanting . if we may accept one of the most recent summaries of the pros and cons of this question , the conditions are not hopeful . although an atmosphere exists , it appears to be extremely thin water vapour seems to be present in only very limited quantity the temperature is very low , and , except in the warmer portions of the planet during the summer season , would be insufficient to support life . the evidence suggests a frigid climate , with dust storms whirling over vast deserts and salt seas frozen solid , while near the poles land and sea alike are buried under snow . summer produces a slight thawing , but even then the cold , salt saturated soil would appear to be very unfavourable for plant growth . arrhenius suggests that the presence of a low vegetation such as snow alg near the poles in summer is as much as could be hoped for under the conditions prevailing on mars . of the planets whose distance from the sun is small enough to allow heat and light to reach them in quantity sufficient to permit of vegetation such as we know it , there remains venus , and here at last we meet with conditions suitable for life . venus possesses an atmosphere densely charged with water vapour , and maintaining a high temperature all the year round . the conditions prevailing there recall , in fact , those believed to have existed on the earth during the carboniferous period , when our great deposits of coal , composed of the remains of tropical plants , were laid down in marshes and steaming lagoons but on venus the conditions are still more extreme  temperature higher , and the moisture much greater , than those of carboniferous times . if it is allowable to assume that the prevalence of physical and chemical conditions similar to those which in bygone ages supported an abundant vegetation on our globe , would produce plant life on another world , then we may imagine a luxuriant vegetation on venus . whether such an assumption is reasonable is a very interesting and highly speculative question , which the present writer is not competent to discuss . but if one is inclined to indulge in speculation , it may fairly be asked , why should one limit the possibilities of life to the strict range of conditions under which it is manifested on our earth . may not the inhabitants of the sun , ensconced ninety million miles away in a comfortable temperature of centigrade , have long since proved to their own complete satisfaction the impossibility of the existence of life under the appalling conditions of climate prevailing on the earth . who can say . there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamed of in our philosophy . a quotation from one of the foremost of modern men of science helps us to put such flights of thought in their proper perspective . one can hardly emerge from such thoughts , writes soddy , in pointing out the remarkable adaptation of the human eye to the peculiarities of the suns light , so as to make the best of that wave length of which there is most , without an intuition that , in spite of all , the universal life principle , which makes the world a teeming hive , may not be at the sport of every physical condition , may not be entirely confined to a temperature between freezing and boiling points , to an oxygen atmosphere , to the most favourably situated planet of a sun at the right degree of incandescence , as we are almost forced by our experience of life to conclude . possibly the great organizer can operate , under conditions where we could not for an instant survive , to produce beings we should not , without a special education , recognize as being alive like ourselves . it is generally conceded that life on our globe began in the water , and thence spread to the land . very significant in this regard is the fact that all but the highest plants require the presence of external water for the act of fertilization , as the male cell swims through water to the ovum . only the most recently evolved groups have shaken off this ancestral trait and as regards the whole economy of plants the water relation remains , throughout the entire vegetable kingdom , the most obvious and universally important of the different relations existing between plants and their environment . how vegetable life originated , from what inorganic forms it was evolved , is a secret which science has not yet discovered but since those dim first beginnings it has never been absent from the earth , so far as we know , and has increased and multiplied , and passed through a thousand changes to higher and higher forms , till it has attained to the beautiful and bountiful and varied plant world which we know , covering with a green mantle most of the land surface of the globe and filling the shallower lakes and seas while in its minuter forms it swarms in the soils and waters of the earth , and its germs pervade the atmosphere . it is not everywhere even on our hospitable , habitable globe that conditions are suitable for plant growth . the reader will remember that the flat summit of farleton fell , where in fancy we still stand , was devoid to a great extent of vegetation and that the sea sands and mud flats out to the westward presented a surface from which plants appeared to be absent . this question of deserts  is , of areas of the earths surface where the prevailing mantle of vegetation is wanting  an interesting one , and may fittingly detain us for a few minutes . deserts are produced by the failure of one or more of the conditions which are necessary for plant life . the factors in question may be briefly defined as temperature , light , water , atmosphere , and mineral salts . the majority of the higher plants have developed a complicated root system for the purpose of collecting water containing salts from the soil , and of anchoring the organism firmly in its chosen abode , so a soil is also usually essential . here on farleton fell soil is missing over much of the surface , which is occupied by naked limestone rock . the absence of soil is due to the fact that the material  of lime  which the rock is composed is soluble in water , unlike , for instance , the materials of which slate or sandstone rocks are composed the rains slowly dissolve it , and it passes in solution down through crevices in the strata , leaving behind only a small insoluble residue . this residue , where not also washed away , collects in every little hollow , and lowly plants such as alg and mosses soon discover it and colonize it . their decayed remains add nutritive material to the little pocket , and help to retain water , and thus prepare the way by degrees for higher forms of life till at length the crevices become filled with a luxuriant vegetation which , as we shall see later , is of a rather peculiar type . it should be noted that even the bare rock is not so inhospitable as completely to exclude plant life . if we examine it with a lens we shall see that it is colonized by minute lichens , many of which have the power of dissolving the limestone , producing tiny burrows in which they live securely . illustration fig .  . burrowing lichen living in limestone . a , natural size b , greatly enlarged c , section , greatly enlarged . on the sands and mud flats a semi desert exists , due in great measure to the shifting nature of the material and the difficulty which plants find in securing an anchorage in it . but in the upper parts , near high water mark , a few land plants  the glasswort salicornia europa , fig . a fleshy little annual  the dreary flats with tiny forests of dark green branches , and lower down many small seaweeds flourish . some of these , ramifying through the surface layers , help to bind together the shifting sand , and by entangling in their branches fresh particles , and by continued growth , tend to raise and consolidate the surface , to render it suitable for the immigration of land plants such as the glasswort , and thus eventually to reclaim it from the sea . illustration fig .  .  . a , plant , b , male flower c , female flower , both enlarged . it is in the depths of the ocean , however , that the greatest deserts of our globe are to be found . the luxuriant seaweed gardens that decorate the shallower waters of the sea , especially where a rocky bottom provides secure foothold , dwindle rapidly as the depth increases , owing to the diminution of light , and when the coastal fringe is left they cease . in the inky darkness of the ocean depths , amid absolute stillness and a temperature little above freezing , plant life of any sort is unknown . only the flinty skeletons of diatoms and other minute forms of vegetable life which inhabit the surface layers , raining slowly down throughout the ages , tell that plant life exists in the sea at all . on land , the larger deserts are found in the coldest and in the hottest regions . around the north and south poles lie great areas where the perennial lowness of temperature and the consequent almost continuous covering of snow and ice render plant life impossible . but just as the eskimo live under conditions which would be wellnigh prohibitive to inhabitants of more temperate regions , so many of the higher as well as the lower plants creep northward far beyond the arctic circle , where , awakening from a nine months winter sleep , they break from the still half frozen ground to brighten the brief summer with their leaves and flowers and fruit . the flora of greenland , for instance , which we generally think of as an ice bound and inhospitable land , numbers some species of seed plants . these live mostly on the cliffs and steep ground that fringe the coast , where they are clear of the great icefields which bury the interior of the country , and in many places descend as broad glaciers into the sea . but the life of these high northern plants is slow and difficult , as is evidenced by their paucity and their stunted stature . later on we shall have to consider how they adapt themselves to the adverse conditions under which they exist and we shall find their life problems are reproduced in many respects by those of the interesting alpine plants which may be found nestling in the rock crevices of the higher mountains of our own country . but the more familiar deserts of the world , those to which the mind turns when we use the term , are mainly due , not to absence of light as in the ocean depths , nor to want of heat as in the polar regions , but to failure of the water supply . a vast desert region of this kind stretches across northern africa from west to east , and onward through arabia , southern persia , and baluchistan . another , almost continuous with it , extends from the caspian sea across great plains into central asia , and on over vast mountain areas into western china . other similar deserts , familiar to us in word and picture , are situated in the south western united states , mexico , and south africa . in all these tracts , with their diverse characters and diverse sparse floras , the scarcity of rain is the primary cause of their peculiar features . the dryness prevents a protecting covering of vegetation , and allows heat and cold  sharply accentuated by the scarcity of the moderating influence of water in either soil or air  pursue their work of disintegrating the surface , reducing the rocks to sand and dust , which the winds sweep hither and thither . in such circumstances plants exist under illustration fig .  . bolusii and m . lesliei both . very difficult conditions yet there are few areas in which the eye will not note some strange vegetable form . in fig . are illustrated some of the remarkable mesembryanthemums found in the south african deserts . here the extremely fleshy leaves , arranged in opposite pairs , produce a sub globular plant form , a mere mass of watery tissue , which in colour as well as shape appears to mimic the pebbles among which it grows . the frontispiece shows some other types of desert plants . another difficulty which desert plants have to contend with is this continual evaporation from off the land of water charged with mineral salts  some regions in bygone times , in others still following each brief rainy season  left the soil highly impregnated with substances , of which common salt is one of the most abundant , which , except in very weak solutions , are deleterious to plant life , since water containing them is absorbed with difficulty by the roots . these old lake bottoms and one time swamps  as the alkali deserts of utah  only a limited number of species specially adapted to their arduous conditions of life . the same difficulty , it may be noted , produces the peculiar and specialized flora of the salt marshes which fringe the broad bay on which we look down from farleton fell . here there is indeed a superabundance of water , but it is so charged with salt that if even the most vigorous species of the fields or woodlands are transplanted into it they will soon be dead only plants long inured can grow there . still , the conditions are not so adverse but that a continuous mat of vegetation extends , growing patchy and dying out only where the surface slopes below high water mark . there we enter a new domain , where another race of plants , so long inured to salt water that they now cannot exist without it , holds possession . thus from absolute deserts , such as the floor of the deep sea or the regions surrounding the poles , we pass to semi deserts where plants are dotted thinly over the surface , and thence by degrees to closed vegetation of various types , where the plants elbow each other over the whole surface as they do in the grasslands spread around farleton fell , in the woods which adjoin them , and on the brown hillsides out to the north . but before we pass to the consideration of the conditions where favourable environment results in a closed vegetation , we may suggest for consideration the following point of view that for any plant , or group of plants with similar requirements , much of the world is a desert  is , a place where conditions are such that it cannot live . for each plant there exists , owing to long usage and slow adaptation to given surroundings , limiting conditions of life where these conditions are exceeded , the desert supervenes . thus , the salt marsh is a desert to almost every plant of the mild open soil of hill or valley , just as the hills and valleys are deserts to most of the inhabitants of the salt marsh . the alkaline soil of the rock crevices of farleton fell is fatal to some of the most abundant plants of the acid peaty soil of the hills , such as ling and bilberry vaccinium myrtillus . for another cause  diminution of light  deep woods are a desert for many plants of the sunny pastures , and vice versa . plants vary very much as to their degree of adaptability to different soils and different climatic conditions . some are highly specialized . our salt marsh flora , for instance , is , as regards most of its species , confined to its peculiar habitat . if on a map of europe we coloured in its distribution we should find it formed a ribbon round the coast , except for a few dots where the plants have discovered inland salt springs or salt lakes , and have found their way to them . most plants are more adaptable than these , and occupy a variety of habitats . the little tormentil for instance , flourishes equally on hot banks by the sea , in woods , and on mountain tops . the more accommodating a plant is as regards habitat , the wider its distribution tends to be , both locally and in a broader sense . but wide range does not follow of necessity from adaptability to a variety of conditions the problem of plant distribution is not so simple as that . one species may be spread right round the world , yet be always found in a special habitat take the case , for instance , of the yellow birds nest a strange colourless , leafless plant , highly specialized , feeding , through the intermediary of a minute fungus which infests its roots on the decaying leaves of deciduous woods in cold temperate regions , and yet found across europe , asia , and north america while many other species , at home under very varied conditions of soil and moisture , have nevertheless a quite restricted geographical range . although our own country , favoured by conditions thoroughly suitable to plant life  sufficiently high temperature and an abundance of moisture and light  characterized by a continuous plant mantle  closed vegetation , as the botanists say  what has been said of desert and semi desert conditions applies to many limited areas in the british isles , where the vegetation takes on the peculiar characters of true desert plants . low water content and great exposure produce such conditions on shingle beaches and sand dunes and , as we shall see later , the vegetation of sea rocks, , salt marshes, , and peat bogs is in many respects analogous to desert vegetation . except near the poles , wherever the precipitation of moisture rises above an amount which varies according to other conditions prevailing , a closed vegetation occupies the ground when the agricultural and other operations of man do not hold it in check . but as much of this favourable region is utilized by the human race for the production of plants used for food or for industry , it often happens , as in our own country , that the natural plant communities are to a great extent destroyed , and can be studied only on land left undisturbed because unsuitable for cultivation  heaths and moors , in swamps and lakes , on sea sands, , chalk downs , and so on and even in most of these places intensive grazing of domesticated animals and other causes connected with human activities alter and control plant life to a greater or less extent , rendering it necessary for us to walk warily in our study of it . although the world offers many different aspects of closed vegetation , they may all in a broad sense be reduced to two general types  , grasslands and woodlands , the former the result of a lighter , the latter of a heavier , rainfall grasses and their associates requiring for their life processes a much less amount of water than a tree vegetation . the british isles lie within a broad belt that sweeps east and west across europe , characterized by a prevalence of south west winds laden with moisture , and yielding a tolerably heavy rainfall distributed throughout the year . south of this belt  of the alps , roughly  rainfall occurs chiefly in winter , and dry summers produce the well known mediterranean climate with which is associated the scrubby small leaved vegetation , capable of withstanding heat and drought , which is characteristic of spain , italy , greece , and northern africa . northward , the forest belt extends into scandinavia , dwindling into a tundra vegetation of lowly shrubs and herbs as we approach high latitudes with a sub arctic climate . forest , then , is the original and natural type of vegetation of the british islands , and without doubt the greater part of the country was occupied by woodland within the human period . but forest country is not well suited to human habitation or colonization . the early arts of peace  and agricultural  for open ground . to operations of war , also , forests are unfavourable . so it came about that by the use of fire and axe the forests passed away before the march of man , until now we can study only fragments of the original all prevailing woodland . but it is important to note that certain portions of the british isles were never , in recent ages , under woodland , and that these mostly preserve still much of their ancient facies . thus , increase of exposure  lower temperature and higher wind velocity a limit on the hills beyond which trees could not and cannot grow . wind was and is also responsible for a dwindling of tree growth along the exposed western coastlines . again , the shallow , porous soil of the chalk downs , very dry in summer , probably never supported woodland , but has pastured sheep since the earliest shepherds fought wolves in sussex . the scanty soil of farleton fell probably never harboured plants larger than the herbs and low shrubs which it now supports and no doubt the salt marshes looked the same five thousand years ago as they do to day, , though their positions have changed with each slight alteration in the relative level of land and sea . to sum up , then , the greater portion of the surface of our country consists of former woodland now reclaimed for the purposes of agriculture , the general aspect of its vegetation altered beyond recognition , though from the fragments left we can still reconstruct with tolerable accuracy its ancient condition , and the flora of which it was composed . in the remaining parts , though drainage , grazing , and other human operations have wrought great changes , the face of the country still wears to a large extent its ancient appearance , and the flora is still in the main that which flourished before human activities began to put their impress upon it . how are we to set about studying this varied vegetation which , in a thousand forms , covers hill and valley . there are several avenues of approach any one of them , if explored fully , would take us far beyond the limits of the present volume we shall have to be content with slight venturings along several of them , so as to acquire , in a brief space , as wide a view as we can of the phenomena which our flora displays , and of the problems which it presents . if we view the vegetation as a whole , we may be tempted to enquire first as to its origin and history . we know that plants have existed on the earth for millions of years , but that the plants of past ages were different from those of the present , just as those of the present will ultimately give place to other forms as yet undreamed of that the vegetation on which we feast our eyes is , in fact , but the momentary expression of a never ceasing process of life and change . this is the point of view of the geologist , to whom the hills are shadows , and they flow from form to form , and nothing stands they melt like mist , the solid lands , like clouds they shape themselves and go . pursuing this line of enquiry , we may endeavour to trace the descent through the ages of our present plants from bygone types and coming at length to the still remote time  measured by human standards  the plants which now grow appeared on the earths surface , we may try , from a study of their present distribution and of the distribution of their remains in regions where they are no longer found living , to determine their area of origin , and to trace the date and course of the migrations by which they reached our country . in the case of the british isles , geological considerations play a leading part in such investigations , these islands being but outlying hummocks of a great continental area , at times joined to the main land mass by a slight upward movement of the earths crust , and anon cut off from it by a movement of depression . in this connection also we may be led to investigate the means by which plants spread , and especially their capacity for crossing barriers of the various kinds indicated in our brief study of deserts in the previous pages  serious barriers offered by water channels, , or others equally difficult to negotiate produced by areas of uncongenial soil , by mountain ranges , or by forests . this will involve especially a study of seeds and the interesting phenomena of seed dispersal . again , the most popular branch of botanical study in england is floristic botany , which traces the distribution within our area of the various species composing its flora and with it is necessarily associated a study of the plants themselves so far as the characters are concerned , by which they may be distinguished from each other . this last is the province of descriptive botany . the study of local distribution , if conducted intelligently , will greatly assist in solving problems relating to the migrations and routes by which the existing flora reached its habitats . once more , we have already from farleton fell observed that plants do not grow higgledy piggledy over the country , but are arranged in more or less definite societies depending on similarity of climate , soil , and other external conditions . studied from this point of view , the flora resolves itself into a series of communities , each requiring a certain set of conditions for its continued welfare . the study of these inter relations between plants and their environment , and of the types of vegetation resulting from the grouping together of plants requiring similar conditions , is the province of ecological botany . again , the morphologist deals with the forms of the organs of plants , and the changes which these undergo in different plants , while the anatomist investigates their minuter structure . physiological botany deals with the life processes of plants , and the way in which they feed and grow and move . it has a very important bearing on the distribution and grouping of plants , since this is largely governed by their food supply and by the need of surroundings which allow them to carry on their life processes with success . it will be seen that there are many lines of enquiry open to the student of botany . in the following pages no more can be attempted than the preliminary study of some of the more familiar phenomena of plant life as it presents itself to the holiday maker on the hills and woods and shores of our own land . chapter ii plant associations it is perhaps also proper to take into account the situation in which each plant naturally grows or does not grow . for this is an important distinction , and specially characteristic of plants , because they are united to the ground and not free from it like animals . enquiry into plants , i . iv . before setting about discussing the various types of vegetation which our own country presents , it will be well to have a general idea of the extent to which the main types are developed , and of the amount to which agriculture has interfered with the native flora . we have seen that the natural vegetation of the greater part of the british isles is woodland yet so profoundly has human industry altered the face of the country that woodland , natural or planted , occupies only about one twentieth of the surface of england , rather less of scotland and wales , and about one seventieth of ireland . much of the former woodland is now represented by arable land , which covers over one third of england , and about half that proportion of the other parts of the british isles . permanent grassland , partly natural , partly replacing ancient woodland , bulks large in england and wales , occupying about two fifths of the whole country in scotland and ireland the proportion is much less , but in those countries a large area is under moor , heath , or natural grass , over which wander great herds of sheep and cattle . a . g . tansley thus contrasts the area of cultivated land on which natural vegetation has been to all intents destroyed , with the area on which natural or semi natural conditions still prevail england . wales . scotland . ireland . cultivated land . land under natural or semi natural vegetation . it will be seen how little of the original vegetation of england is left to us for purposes of study  than one fifth, , almost the whole of which has been influenced to some degree by human operations while in scotland and ireland a much larger area is more or less in its primitive condition . the scottish mountain sides and irish moorlands still to a great extent retain a natural flora , save that the greater number of grazing animals which they now support , as compared with the times when wolves and other enemies roamed unchecked , leaves its impress upon the vegetation . viewing the plant world as a whole , its primary divisions , from the point of view of ecology , are governed by the factor of rainfall . it is true that the plants of the tropics differ profoundly from those of the temperate regions , and those again from the plants of the arctic . but this is a difference in the species and families which constitute the vegetation , rather than a difference in the types of vegetation or plant formations which occur . a certain area in siberia may not have one species in common with a certain area in india , but in both we may find the three great vegetation types of forest , grassland , and desert . a rainfall gradient , on the other hand , will cause a progressive change in vegetation type , as may be seen in crossing north america from east to west , where the forests of the new england states give way as precipitation diminishes to the prairies of the middle states , and these again to the deserts which stretch far over the west . it is only in the extreme north that temperature , apart from precipitation , becomes the dominant influence in determining the presence or absence of vegetation , or its character . within any one climatic region  within the british islands  soil in which the plants grow is the controlling factor in determining the character of the plant population . and while a classification by plant form  as woodland , grassland  often convenient , when we come to analyze the various plant associations which colonize the ground , it will be found that similarity of form type does not necessarily imply affinity as regards either physiological conditions or floristic constituents . thus , a beech wood on the chalk has really no affinity with an oak wood on the coal measures, , save that they are both woods they shelter plant groups of quite different composition , one a constituent association of the limestone formation , and the other of the formation of clays and loams , according to modern english classification . similarly , the hazel copse which covers the screes of farleton fell has no close relation to the hazel copses along the westmorland becks , although the dominant plant  hazel  the same in both cases soil is the controlling factor , and the one is related to the limestone vegetation of the hill above , the other to the vegetation of the loams and peaty soils of the adjoining mountain side . in the british isles the leading plant formations are those of clays and loams , of sands and sandstones , of siliceous soils , of calcareous soils , of peat , of marsh , of lakes and rivers , of salt marsh, , sand dune , and shingle beach also , governed by the climatic factor , alpine vegetation stands somewhat apart . while the vegetation of some of these , such as salt marsh or peat , usually presents a uniform aspect , others , such as the clays , sands , and limy soils , display each a characteristic type of woodland and of grassland , as well as other variants , dependent on the composition , depth , and wetness of the soil , the degree of exposure , and so on these form the associations which together constitute the formation . each association , if the plants composing it be examined , will be found to consist of an assemblage of species , large and small , brought together by their superior fitness for the particular conditions which prevail . there are mostly in each association one or more dominant species  as the trees of an oak wood , or the heather of a moor  by their abundance or vigorous growth control the association . the shelter which they give may protect some of the members of the community the shade which they cast may keep out other plants which otherwise would invade the ground . the association will include some species specially adapted to the particular conditions which prevail , and perhaps not found elsewhere in the area these are the indicator plants of the association , which give it its special character , and which will help us to identify the association should we encounter it again there will be others  species  are attracted by the shade , or shelter , or other advantages which the growth of the dominant plants affords and there will be others , again  many  wide distribution , which are merely as much at home here as elsewhere . but all grow here because they are better fitted for the particular conditions prevailing than are the other plants of the surrounding area . on farleton fell , for instance , among the most abundant species which fill the crevices of the limestone plateau are two ferns  limestone polypody and the rigid buckler fern . though there is rocky ground of many kinds in the lake district , these two plants are never found save on similar outcrops of the carboniferous limestone , and they are clearly specially fitted for life in the hollows of this rock . but the same rock crevices also harbour many species which are found equally on the soils derived from the slate rocks or sandstones . to take another instance many of our most familiar spring flowers are woodland plants  primrose wood anemone wild hyacinth . these rejoice in the humus soil which is formed from the dead leaves of preceding years they flower before the trees are in full leaf , thus securing plenty of light and air for their period of growth and they are accustomed to have their stems and roots protected from summer heat by the leafy canopy overhead . transplanted into an adjoining sunny pasture they will soon die out . they are characteristic members of the woodland association of one or more formations . but with them we shall find other species , such as the wild strawberry which are equally at home on dry sunny banks or even on sand dunes . if we ask why the plants group themselves into the associations which we may study any day in the country , in many cases the answer is not obvious . it is clear that while many species accommodate themselves easily to different soils or different degrees of light or of moisture , others have small powers of accommodation , and are in consequence restricted in their range . by long usage many plants have acquired special characters enabling them to live under special conditions  examples will be discussed a little later  in some such cases it is easy to correlate the peculiar characters of the plant with those of the habitat . but in many other cases the relation is not obvious . for instance , we cannot tell , by examining a plant , whether it is partial to a limy or to a non limy soil yet many plants are poisoned by lime , while others , though generally capable of growing in a soil devoid of lime are nevertheless absent from the non calcareous areas adjoining their limestone habitat in other words , they can hold their own on limestone , but are unable to do so elsewhere . the two ferns already mentioned polypodium robertianum and lastrea rigida are cases of the latter kind while some of the most familiar of our hillside plants , such as foxglove and broom are instances of the former . if , however , we consider some of the formations or associations which are the result of extreme conditions of environment , we get more light on the relations between the plants and the factors which control the vegetation . take the case of the plants inhabiting desert regions such as were discussed in chapter i . here the outstanding feature is scarcity of water , and the plants display various remarkable adaptations which fit them for a thirsty life . there are three ways to meet scarcity of water  for gathering it , arrangements for storing it , and economy in using it and arrangements for all three are familiar features of desert plants . to effect the first , the root system is extended , and is often enormously developed in proportion to the aerial parts . this adaptation may be studied in the flora of dry places in our own country , such as shingle beaches and sand dunes , which are characteristic semi deserts . take such plants as the sea holly the sea convolvulus or the sea sedge and compare the extent of the root system or underground stems with that of the aboveground portions . fig . represents the wild carrot as found growing under extreme exposure on the west coast of ireland . to meet the conditions the tall branched stem has been entirely dispensed with , and the terminal umbel is seated on the ground in the middle of a ring of leaves . in this way the plant prepares to resist both drought and wind . water storage is often developed in different parts of xerophytes roots , or stems , or leaves , which become much enlarged , and at the same time covered with a illustration fig .  . carrot growing under great exposure .  . highly impervious skin , so that they act as veritable cisterns . in plants like the cacti water storage in the stems is carried very far indeed while in such genera as the stonecrops the leaves are often so swollen and charged with water that they lose up to per cent . of their weight if they are dried . prevention of excessive loss of water by transpiration is effected in plants of dry places mainly by reduction in the size of the leaf and by protection of its surface . leaf reduction is very marked in many dry countries . if we compare the flora of the mediterranean region with that of middle europe or of england , we shall be struck with the prevalence in the former of small leaved twiggy plants  and rosemary will serve as examples . often leaf reduction is carried much farther , and we need not go beyond our own commons to find a good example , for in the gorse flat leaves are entirely absent and the branches are shortened and converted into prickles , thus largely reducing the surface exposed to the sun and wind . the seedling gorse has little trifoliate leaves , which remind us of its affinity to the trefoils and brooms , but they are discarded almost at once , to fit the plant better for life in the dry , breezy localities which it favours . reverting to the mediterranean flora , a characteristic of its plants is the prevalence of a grey hue in their stems and leaves , such as we see in the pinks and achilleas of our rock gardens . this is due to a coat of wax , as in the pinks or a felt of hairs , as in the achilleas , designed to check excessive transpiration . the coatings of hairs are often of great beauty and complexity , and form an almost impenetrable covering to the leaf surface , protecting the upper side from the fierce rays of the sun , and on the underside sheltering the stomata , or minute openings through which the plant exhales the surplus water drawn up from the roots and inhales carbon dioxide . another very beautiful device for protecting the underside of the leaf , and one which may be studied in many of our commonest plants , consists of the inrolling of the edges , often combined with a wrinkling or ridging of the underside , so that the stomata are set in deep hollows , communicating with illustration fig .  . across inrolled leaf of crowberry much enlarged . the open air only through narrow openings . the leaves of some of our common grasses show these characteristics to great advantage . and again the stomata are often sunk in little pits , by which device they obtain further protection . if we now examine the plants composing the sand dune or shingle beach associations in the light of these facts , we shall find them full of interest . the plants are well equipped to meet the adverse conditions of a very porous soil , drying winds , and scorching sun . note the grey felt of hairs which protects the leaves of the horned poppy the tough , waxy skin which covers the sea holly the extensive underground stem systems of the fleshy leaved sea convolvulus and sea purslane . even the annual plants display similar characters . in the great desert regions the annuals are often quite normal in structure that is because they appear during the brief rainy season , and pass away before the fierce heat of summer sets in . but on our shingle beaches the annuals grow throughout the summer , and need protection against drought so the sea rocket the sea whin and others are very fleshy plants their leaves are small , with an impervious skin , their root systems are better developed than in most annuals . the grasses and sedges of these places , such as the bent sea wheatgrass triticum junceum , sea sedge have underground stems which burrow widely through the sand , with an extensive root system, , and tufts of inrolled leaves beautifully protected against over transpiration and well worth microscopical examination . if we turn from the shingle beach to the salt marsh, , where water is very abundant , we shall be struck by the peculiar fact that its vegetation displays characters quite similar to those we have just been studying . how can we reconcile this with the theory that the peculiar characters of the shingle beach plants are correlated with lack of moisture . the explanation is to be found in the fact that plants have difficulty in absorbing water if it is highly charged with mineral substances in solution . in the salt marsh the heavy muddy soil is impregnated with common salt the plants absorb it with difficulty and in consequence they are faced with the same main problem which confronts the sea holly and sea whin , and they meet it in the same way . indeed , the salt marsh plants appear to be more highly specialized , for very few intruders from outside can venture in , while on the beach we may meet with many plants which belong to other formations growing successfully , at least for a time . the salt marsh flora is very exclusive , and contains but few species which we encounter in other situations . some of them are also found on dry sea rocks pink scurvy grass sea aster and so on showing that soaking soil is in no way essential to their growth . the first two reappear among alpine plants on some of our higher mountains , pointing again to an analogy of conditions not altogether understood . but the salt marsh formation as a whole is perhaps the most distinctive as regards its composition of any of the plant groups of our country . it is dominated by such species as the grey leathery leaved obione portulacoides , the small leaved, , thick stemmed sea pink , the sea wormwood which is all covered with a silky coat the pools are fringed with scirpus tabernmontani , a dwarf greyish copy of the common bulrush of our lakes , and filled with the narrow leaved ruppia and zannichellia and in the muddiest places are little forests of glasswort , leafless , very fleshy , the flowers reduced to mere essentials and buried in the fleshy stems . again , it is easy to trace the relationship existing between plant form and soil conditions in the bogland flora and these relations , unexpectedly enough , turn out to be analogous to those obtaining in the case of the salt marsh . the sodden peat , sour and badly aerated , and poor in mineral salts , is poor also in the bacteria which feed upon and destroy dead vegetable matter , with the consequence that acid humus compounds collect in the half decayed vegetable mass water charged with these substances is as unsuitable for plants as is the water of the salt marsh . in spite of the wetness of the peat , water is in this case also a desideratum and the moorland plants , like those of the sea fringe , possess special adaptations for economizing it . this usually takes prominently the form of a reduction of leaf surface . the dominant plants , such as the ling and purple heather erica cinerea , have minute leaves with reflexed edges and special structure to protect the stomata . the grasses and sedges which abound have similar characteristics the whole vegetation tends to be small leaved and long rooted . a few of the plants , such as the eyebright eke out the scanty food supply by a semi parisitism, , robbing their neighbours of portions of their hardly won sustenance one or two others , such as the bladderwort which floats in the bog pools, , and the sundew which fringes their edges , entrap insects and digest their juices , helping out their scanty rations with an animal diet . on the moors the peculiar soil conditions determine definitely the type of vegetation , which , over large areas , is as uniform and monotonous as that of the salt marsh . we see , then , that the peculiar character of several of the most marked of native plant formations  of shingle , of salt marsh, , and of moor  due primarily to scarcity of water . they are drought formations , produced either by physical drought , as in the case of shingle , which fails to retain water , or by physiological drought , as in the salt marsh or bog , where , though water is present in abundance , it is not in a condition in which plants can readily make use of it . let us now go to the opposite extreme , and consider the plant formation which characterizes lowland lakes and rivers , where water suitable for plant use is illustration fig .  . illustrating succession of vegetation in lakes . a , marsh zone b , reed zone c , zone of floating vegetation d , zone of submerged vegetation . superabundant . in such places we are faced with a vegetation exhibiting a great number of species and a marked variety of form , and by no means so easy to correlate with its environment as those which we have been considering . in a wide sense , the nature of the vegetation is largely dependent on the degree of aeration of the water and the amount of dissolved mineral salts which it contains , an increase of either within limits resulting in a richer flora . but in any one area it is clear that depth of water is the controlling factor the plants are arranged in zones , one succeeding another as the bottom shelves . two main zones are conspicuous a zone of tall reed like plants near the margins , which farther out is succeeded by a zone of lax floating plants which either have leaves resting on the surface or grow entirely submerged . above the former a belt of marsh plants links the reed zone with the vegetation of the soils of normal moisture below the latter , should the water increase in depth , we reach an aquatic desert region , where the reduction of light renders plant growth difficult , and eventually inhibits it . let us consider the conditions prevailing in the reed zone . here the plants are essentially aerial , and though they have their feet in water , the stems and leaves rise far above it . water level is variable in lakes and rivers the plants are usually tall , so that even in case of flood the leaves and flowers will not be drowned . wave action on lake shores is somewhat violent , and in flooded rivers a strong current may sweep through the vegetation we see the advantage of the slender elastic stems and narrow leaves that characterize the plants compare reed reed mace flag bur reed bulrush and these characters also fit them for the windy nature of their habitat . the denuding effect of wave or current action is countered by the network of creeping stems and abundant roots which the plants possess , forming a tough felt which floats , and by its growth and decay helps materially to form fresh land . another effect of the creeping and branching stem systems is the production of extensive and dense groves of many of the species . when we pass beyond the reed zone , a completely different type of vegetation prevails . here the plants are essentially aquatic . they make no effort to raise their stems and leaves above the water surface but almost all of them raise their flowers into the air , though the seed is often ripened below the surface by a downward curving of the stem . these plants , surrounded by water , use their roots chiefly as anchors , and absorb through their stems and leaves the water from which they obtain the necessary mineral salts . as regards the supply of oxygen and carbon dioxide which the air supplies to them , those with floating leaves absorb it from the atmosphere , while those whose leaves are submerged have to subsist on the small quantity of these gases which is dissolved in the water  wonder that such plants are rare in stagnant waters where aeration is poor . to assist respiration and transpiration , abundant and often comparatively gigantic air spaces are provided in roots or stems or leaves , giving them a cellular appearance , and making them singularly light and spongy in texture . the leaf system of those plants which possess floating leaves  as water lily castalia and nympha or common pondweed are well worth study . they are tough , to withstand battering by waves the stomata are situated , not on the lower side of the leaf , as in land plants , but on the upper side , where they are in contact with the atmosphere and the upper surface is waxy or oily , so that it is not wetted and the stomata are not blocked . changes of water level are met by means of long flexible stems , rising not vertically from the root , but at an angle , so that the leaves can rise with a rise of water level . but not all the plants are anchored to the bottom . some , which favour especially ditches and quiet waters , float freely with roots hanging down in the water  frog bit and duckweeds are familiar examples . in the duckweeds true leaves are absent , but the tiny stems are flattened and green and serve the same purpose , the minute flowers being borne on their edges . a few plants , such as the smallest of the duckweeds and the bladderworts have gone farther still , and have dispensed with roots altogether . in wolffia , indeed , the degeneracy of structure which results from the simplification of life problems in plants which live thus floating freely in water , is carried to its extreme limit . leafless , rootless , and almost flowerless , it maintains itself by the budding of its tiny green fronds , a life history as primitive as that of the lowly alg among which it lives . in the bladderworts , the long flaccid stems , clothed with much divided leaves converted in part into ingenious insect traps hang limply in the water , sending up boldly into the air their flowering shoots with yellow snapdragon like blossoms . in most of such free floating plants , compact buds are formed at the tips of the shoots in autumn , and while the rest of the stem dies away these sink to the bottom and remain there safe from frost and storm until the spring , when they rise to the surface and produce a new crop of plants . we have now glanced at the most distinctive of the plant formations which we meet with in our own country , and find that they accompany extreme conditions relating to water and soil it remains to return to the consideration of the vegetation which develops under conditions of a more normal character  ordinary soils , in fact , which are neither very wet nor very dry . such conditions are precisely those which are required for agricultural purposes and over the wide areas where they prevail , we find , as pointed out already , mere fragments of the native associations remaining in an undisturbed condition . this renders their study more difficult , and the difficulty is heightened by the fact that while the physical conditions show no contrasts so marked as those which we have been considering , the formations which can be distinguished are several , and each contains several associations  a woodland , a scrub , and a grassland type . thus , the formation which occupies calcareous soils exhibits characteristic woodlands  of ash for instance , and on the downs peculiar woods or scrub of box juniper yew or hazel , as on farleton fell . it also bears some very marked types of grassland , as on the chalk downs and the limestone pavement of farleton fell is a special variant of this . similarly , clays and loams , sands , and siliceous soils possess similar characteristic types of vegetation . but the consideration of these would occupy more space and lead us into more technical detail than the scope of this book warrants . for an account of these associations , written by botanists who have made a special study of them , the reader is referred to tansleys types of british vegetation . chapter iii plant migration all organisms , animal as well as vegetable , are at some period of their existence provided with an opportunity of migration . in the animal world , most land creatures have legs or wings , which allow them to roam about freely  freedom which is of special importance as enabling them to obtain nourishment and to avoid disadvantageous conditions . aquatic animals are likewise to a great extent possessed of powers of locomotion , but such powers are not so essential to them as to terrestrial creatures , since the water itself is full of small organisms , both animal and vegetable , on which they can feed hence a large variety of water creatures are content to remain during much of their lives fixed to one spot , extracting from the water as it passes by both the supply of organic food and the inorganic substances , such as oxygen or carbonate of lime , which they require for their life processes . these sedentary creatures , of which barnacles , sea anemones, , and zoophytes will serve as examples , once attached , do not move from the spot where they have settled down but it is important to note that not only are their eggs or young mostly liberated into the water , and by it transported to new homes , but in their juvenile stages they often swim vigorously , and thus achieve a wide dispersal . in the plant world , the higher forms , with very few exceptions , spend their lives attached to one spot , like sea anemones, , deriving their food supply from the air and from the soil but they similarly are given the opportunity , after birth , of migrating . in our familiar wild flowers , for instance , the young plant , at an early stage of its existence , while it is still minute , becomes covered with a coat often of very resistant qualities , and is then cast loose by the parent in the form of seed , mostly in great numbers , to achieve what travels it can before it takes root and settles down , like its parent before it , to a humdrum existence . in the cryptogams , or so called flowerless plants , this temporary compression of the organism into very narrow limits suitable for easy dispersal takes place at a different period in the life cycle , but for mechanical purposes the results are similar . minute bodies , or spores much smaller than the seeds of the seed plants , are cast loose by the parent often in vast numbers , and eventually settle down and reproduce the species . in many of the lower aquatic plants these spores are provided with means of locomotion in the form of a tail like appendage , which by its movement propels the germs through the water , giving them the same advantage which is possessed by the young of many of the sedentary animals . the opportunity for migration thus offered to sedentary plants once at least in each cycle is of very great importance . a plant , living on one spot and drawing , from that portion of the soil which its roots can reach , certain mineral salts essential for its continued growth , tends to exhaust the available supply of these materials , and the succeeding generation needs to reach fresh ground if it in turn is to attain healthy development . and it is undoubtedly of advantage to plants , if they are to continue to exist on the earth , to be able to jump barriers and to colonize fresh suitable habitats which may arise in the course of natural changes , which sooner or later may render old habitats untenable . thus the very existence of plants upon the earth depends on the adequacy of seed dispersal . this being so , the imaginative mind , viewing the marvellous and infinitely varied contrivances of nature , will possibly be struck more by the want of special provision for dispersal shown by the majority of the higher plants  helplessness in this respect  by the beautiful devices exhibited by the few . in the first place , seeds are inert , devoid of any power of locomotion  in some instances the last act of the parent is to discharge them with an explosive action into the air . they are dependent on the movements of external media  , or water , or wandering animals  transportation of any magnitude , and while many possess very beautiful devices for enabling them to take advantage of opportunities in this regard , the majority are devoid of any special structures . they are as inert as pebbles or grains of sand but they possess two attributes which form important assets  , numbers and vitality . the amount of seed produced annually is hundreds , or more usually thousands , sometimes hundreds of thousands , for each parent . what matter if myriads perish . if one in so many thousands takes root and grows , the species will not diminish in numbers . vitality also largely affects the problem . the seed can endure extremes of heat and cold which would be fatal to the parent it can be drowned , or scorched , or dashed about , or in many cases eaten by animals without injury it can lie buried in the soil for a long period of years , yet if turned up again and placed within reach of the requisite amount of air and heat , will spring up vigorously . as a matter of fact , investigation soon shows that absence of special devices for dispersal provides no measure of the breadth of a plants distribution , nor is profuse seed production necessarily related to abundance of offspring . many factors come into play , and conclusions of this obvious kind will generally only lead us astray . but that does not render the study of each one of the factors less interesting . this matter of seed dispersal is of prime importance in our study of familiar british plantscapes , for our vegetation is the expression of the past and present efficiency of its particular rle in the ever changing drama of nature . we shall do well to spend a little time in considering it . first of all , as to the nature of the seeds with which we have to deal . these are , as already pointed out , young plants , already a long way advanced from the egg stage , neatly tucked up and enclosed , in most cases along with a supply of food material , in a tight , strong skin , which is mostly of a particularly impervious character , protecting the young plant from injury by bruising , from attacks of small animal enemies , from extremes of heat and cold , of moisture and dryness . the young plant , too , is in a peculiarly resistant physiological condition . for instance , its breathing  absorption of oxygen  exceedingly slow , and it is not suffocated by burial , sometimes even for years , in the soil . and while the mature plant is killed instantly by immersion in boiling water or by exposure to a very low temperature , some seeds , if boiled for a quarter of an hour , are quite uninjured , while others , subjected experimentally to even the temperature of liquid hydrogen c . or degrees of frost on our more familiar fahrenheit scale , remain unaffected . many seeds are liberated from the parent plant enclosed by or attached to appendages of various sorts when they are called by the botanist fruits which sometimes greatly aid dispersal , as in the dandelion and sometimes appear to hinder it in any case , while the young plant itself is usually quite small , it may , when surrounded by its food supply and enclosed in its wrappings , be a bulky object  is seen in the cocoanut or horse chestnut . in the british flora , to which we may confine our attention , a crab apple a hazelnut , and an acorn are the largest units of dispersal with which we have to deal . but these are quite exceptional in size , and the average seed using that term in its original sense of the natural unit of dispersal in the british flora does not exceed the size of a pins head . this remarkable reduction of size alone aids dispersal greatly . the migrations of plants are effected mainly during the seed stage , these tiny , tightly packed portmanteaux being much better fitted for travel than the bulky and fragile organisms to which they give rise . but before we consider the adventures of seeds it must be pointed out that a considerable , if slow , migration of plants takes place by mere vegetative growth . the stems of many species are not erect , but prostrate creeping upon or below the ground , they may in time cause a plant to spread far beyond its place of origin . a whole field , or for that matter a whole hillside , of bracken may quite possibly have originated from a single wind borne spore . among sedges and grasses this mode of growth is common  we know to our cost in the case of the couch grass it is found in varying form in many kinds of plants , as in the suckers of trees , the offsets of bulbs , the runners of the strawberry it is especially characteristic of marsh and water plants . its effect is to produce large colonies , such as the great beds of reeds or reed mace which fringe our lakes , the groves of bent on sand dunes , and the beds of anemones or broad leaved garlic of our spring woods . in all these cases the whole colony may be the result of the continued growth of a single individual . it should be noted , however , that such migration is possible only so far as favourable soil conditions extend . a slight barrier  streamlet , a patch of ground too wet or too dry , will arrest further progress , and the plant must fall back on seed dispersal in order to conquer further territory . a vegetative device which , so far as its method and value in dispersal are concerned , approaches those of seeds , is found in the bulbils with which some plants are furnished . these are small buds  shoots  on stems , or on leaves as in the ladys smock cardamine pratensis , or among the illustration fig .  . root . a , upper half of shoot , b , creeping stem , c , bulbil , . flowers as in many leeks . these usually fall from the parent when mature , and being comparatively small and possessed of considerable vitality , they may achieve a considerable dispersal before they send out roots and fasten themselves to the soil . an example is figured . in this plant dentaria bulbifera , the coral root , a rather rare native of england the bulbils resemble not the smooth flower stems of which they are axillary branches , but the curiously knobby underground stems from which the leaves and flowering shoots arise . since seeds themselves possess , as already stated , no power of locomotion , they have to rely on external agents for their dispersal . these may in general be summed up as action of the parent plant , water , wind , animals .  . action of the parent . ivy leaved toad flax, , or mother of is a pretty little plant , native in central and southern europe , naturalized and common on old walls in this country . its snapdragon shaped purple flowers are borne on short stalks which curve towards the light , placing the blossoms in a conspicuous position , where they may be the more readily visited by insects , and thus pollinated . but when flowering is over , and the little round fruit is ripening , the stalk twists so that the fruit is turned towards the wall and finally pushed into any convenient crevice when the capsule opens , the seeds , instead of dropping to the base of the wall where on germination the young plants would be smothered among stronger growths , find themselves lodged in niches in which the young plants may develop successfully . many water plants have flowers which rise into the air , following on which the flower stem curves and the seed is ripened below the surface , free from the dangers of weather , of feeding water birds , and so on . a very common type is that in which the seed vessel opens at the top when the seed is mature . gusts of wind , or passing animals , bending the stem , cause the latter to spring back , casting the seeds out . when the seed vessel opens widely , as in the columbine the seeds may be cast to some small distance . the efficacy of the arrangement is not so obvious when , as in the poppies or bell flowers the openings are small but it is clear that these plants do not suffer from lack of dispersal , in view of their abundance and wide range . illustration fig .  . of giant bell flower campanula latifolia .  . but the assistance which the parent plant gives is often of a more active and even dramatic character , though in these cases it is usually effected not by a movement of living tissue as in the last case , but by mechanical changes taking place in tissues already dead or dying . if we stand by a bank of gorse on a warm day we may become aware of a snapping sound , and may possibly feel on our faces the impact of small bodies . these are gorse seeds in process of being distributed by the parent . in this shrub the fragrant flowers are succeeded by short tough , hairy pods , formed of two valves joined together by their edges . in reality the pod is a modified leaf folded down the middle , the two edges thus brought together being joined  p .  . when the seed is ripe the pod dries , and owing to unequal shrinkage of the valves stresses are set up which at last tear the pod suddenly asunder along its edges , flinging the seeds violently out into new ground , where they will have a better chance of life than if merely dropped into the middle of the parent bush . a similar arrangement is found in the vetches and many other leguminos . in the cranesbills a very ingenious catapult device may be examined . the fruit is of peculiar structure . we might make a rough model of it by taking five single sticks and tying them to a broom handle at the points , less securely elsewhere  slipping a tennis ball into each basketwork handguard before turning its open side in against the broom stick, , so that the ball cannot fall out . imagine now that unequal drying on the part of the sticks tends to make each bend into a semicircular form , which is hindered by the fastenings at either end . the stress will eventually tear the weak fastenings at the base the lower end will fly up , bearing with it the ball which will be projected illustration fig .  . of geranium . a , mature b , ditto , with pouches raised ready to discharge nuts c , in act of discharging . out through the open side . in the cranesbills the jerk is so violent that seeds may be flung to a distance of twenty feet . one of the most efficient of all devices of this kind is found in the sand box tree a native of south america . by sudden rupture and twisting of the carpels of the woody sub globular fruit , the large seeds of this plant are thrown to a distance of thirty yards , the explosion being accompanied by a report like that of a pistol shot . in the common dog violet the fruit is a three valved capsule , which on ripening divides each valve assumes a horizontal position and its edges contract till it is shaped like an open boat , the seeds lying in a row down the middle . the sides as they dry close in tighter and tighter on the seeds , which are in turn pinched out , and fly off with a little snap to a distance of many feet . it is an interesting experience to watch these tricks of nature  more interesting than merely to read about them . if plants of vetch , gorse , dog violet , storksbill , wood sorrel , touch me bearing unripe fruit , be brought home and placed in water in a sitting room, , the click of the bursting fruits will be distinctly audible , and by spreading a white sheet the efficiency of the devices may be tested . illustration fig .  . of viola .  . a , mature capsule b , capsule open ready to discharge seeds c , capsule after seeds are discharged . a very interesting case , in which the seed is actually buried in the soil by movements of its appendages portions of the parent plant which remain attached to it , may be watched in the case of the storksbills several species of which are british plants of frequent occurrence . here the young fruit much resembles that of its allies the cranesbills . the long rod like axis at the lower end of which the seed is enclosed contracts unequally in drying , so that the upper half assumes a position at right angles to that of the illustration fig .  . of storksbill .  . a , mature , twisting beginning b , separate fruit , fully twisted . lower half , which when dry is much twisted , like a rope . the covering of the seed itself is furnished with stiff short hairs pointing upwards . the whole structure when mature is cast off by the parent . the curiously twisted appendage is hygroscopic , and readily responds to wetness by untwisting and to dryness by twisting . should it be thus caused to untwist when the upper end is free from obstruction the latter will revolve slowly like the hand of a clock . but should it meet with an obstacle in the course of its revolutions , such as a blade of grass , the motion is transferred to the lower end , which revolves like an auger , and , lengthening as it untwists , forces the seed into the ground . should dryness supervene , the backward pointing hairs on the seed envelope prevent its being drawn out again when retwisting and consequent shortening take place . these erodium fruits are among the most interesting in the british flora , and are well worth experimenting with .  . water . which forms the most frequent and the most serious barrier to plant migration , under certain circumstances is a very efficient agent of dispersal . at the same time , its powers in the latter direction are strictly circumscribed . as regards fresh water , seeds which float may be wafted across lakes . rivers are more effectual , as seeds may be transported long distances in their currents and thrown up finally on their banks or over flooded areas . when we consider the sea , we realize that there is here a possibility of almost unlimited dispersal provided that the seeds are not injured by salt water , and that they can remain afloat . it is on the latter point that the whole efficacy of water dispersal turns . this was long ago recognized , and investigations have been made by many naturalists to determine the buoyancy of seeds of all kinds . the results show that , taking the seeds of the plants of any country as a whole , not more than about per cent . are capable of floating for more than a short period , while most of them sink at once in either fresh or salt water . so ones vision of seeds transported in myriads over hundreds of miles of sea is rudely dispelled and the fact that many seeds can survive prolonged immersion in sea water uninjured is of little account . the per cent . of our own flora which produce buoyant seeds are mainly riverside and seaside plants and no doubt their dispersal is to a great extent due to streams and tidal currents . but the majority of the hundreds of thousands of seeds which a river transports annually find their last resting place in quiet backwaters or on the floor of the sea . it is different , however , with the flora which fringes beaches in the tropics . here many of the plants possess large fruits of great buoyancy , which are still afloat and alive after months of tossing on the waves , and if cast up germinate readily . these bold wanderers are a familiar feature of tropic plant life , and their successful voyaging accounts for the uniformity of the beach flora on innumerable islands . even our own inhospitable shores sometimes receive these waifs of warmer seas , brought from the west indies by the gulf stream and the prevailing south west winds . of these the most frequent are the large bean like seeds of entada scandens , a leguminous plant , which are originally enclosed in gigantic pods several feet in length , and the more globular seeds of the bonduc another species of the same order . but the most famous of all floating fruits is the double cocoanut , or coco de , a huge nut weighing or lb . and containing several seeds a foot and a half long . it is the product of a palm cast up on the shores of india , it was known centuries before its place of origin in the seychelles was discovered , and fantastic legends grew up regarding it .  . wind . that we know about the wind suggests that it is a potent agent of seed dispersal, , far excelling , for instance , that of flowing water . all the rivers flow into the sea , that cemetery of seeds , and their courses are at best mere spider lines on a map . but the wind , blowing where it listeth , is everywhere , always ready to snatch up in its arms any seed of sufficient lightness , and to bear it away from the parent in fancy we can see tiny seeds borne by gales across mountains and oceans . but we have to leave imagination out of account , and examine prosaically the mechanical laws according to which such transport is of necessity conducted . any body liberated in still air will fall vertically with a velocity which increases according to well known laws until the increasing resistance of the air to its passage equals the effect due to gravity it thenceforward continues to fall at a uniform velocity , that velocity depending upon the nature of the falling body . in all seeds which are sufficiently light to be at all suitable for wind dispersal , the resistance of the air almost at once counteracts acceleration due to gravity , so that the rate of fall may be taken as uniform from the beginning . if the seed on liberation is carried along by the wind , it will acquire almost immediately the horizontal velocity of the air current, , but it will at the same time move downward through the air with the same velocity as if the air was still  as a body dropped in a railway carriage will fall at the same rate whether the train is moving or standing still . if we measure the speed of fall of a seed in still air , then we can easily deduce the distance to which it will be carried by a horizontal air current of given velocity if liberated at any given height above the ground . thus , if a seed liberated feet from the ground falls that distance in half a minute , and the wind is blowing at the rate of , say , feet in half a minute the seed will be carried feet before it reaches the ground . its course will be represented by the diagonal ad of the accompanying figure , where ab represents the distance which the seed falls in the given time , and ac the distance according to the same scale travelled by the wind in the same period . but most seeds sufficiently light to be capable of extended flights are liberated only a few feet from the ground they are dependent on upward eddies to raise them if they are to achieve more than a very short migration . that such eddies , both upward and downward , occur on a windy day we all know from experience and it is they that make or mar the fortune of most wind borne seeds . only some local or accidental excess of upward over downward eddies will assist a seed on its journey and as every upward eddy must be compensated somewhere by a downward eddy , the longer the journey is , the more such eddies tend to neutralize each other . over the sea  most formidable barrier to plant migration  do not prevail as they do over rough ground , so that , unless by a series of lucky eddies a seed is whirled up to a considerable elevation before it leaves the shore , the chances of its successful passage across a stretch of water are remote . discussing the possibility of seeds of portuguese plants reaching the azores , lying miles to the westward , h . b . guppy shows , from observations on the rate of fall of seeds made by several workers , that with a miles per hour horizontal wind the light plumed seed of the common groundsel for instance , would require to be liberated at a height of miles above the ground if it is to reach the islands or to express it differently , if liberated at ground level, , the seed would need to be raised miles by upward eddies during its journey , even if corresponding downward eddies were absent  they certainly never are . it is clear that if even light seeds are to achieve anything more than short journeys , they must depend on exceptional disturbances of the air , such as whirlwinds and tornadoes . it is now time to examine the devices by which many seeds achieve a more or less wide dispersal by means of the wind . seeds possessing these adaptations may be divided into three classes powder seeds , winged seeds , plumed seeds . by powder seeds are meant seeds of very small dimensions . reduction in size , if carried far enough , greatly facilitates dispersal by wind . this is because the resistance offered by the air is relatively greater for a smaller body than for a larger one , so that rate of fall decreases as the size of the falling body diminishes  all know how even a heavy material , if reduced to powder , will fall more slowly than when forming a single mass . most of the spores of the flowerless plants  , mosses , fungi , etc . exceedingly minute , and have as a result a very slow rate of fall , and a consequent power of long distance dispersal by wind . for instance , the microscopic spore of the puff ball lycoperdon falls so slowly that , if we take again guppys azores example , it could traverse the miles in a miles an hour gale if it commenced its flight only feet above the ground . such spores are , in fact , so buoyant that they form a normal constituent of the air  we know , for instance , by the rapidity with which they will discover and germinate upon a piece of cheese , forming bluemould  with little doubt they are capable of reaching under favourable circumstances the most distant of oceanic islands . but in the flowering plants with which we are mainly concerned reduction in size is not carried far enough to confer any great amount of buoyancy . the minute seeds of the poppies for instance , fall about feet in a second . applying again guppys azorean case , we find that though these would cover the distance in sixteen hours , they would fall in that time about miles , unless raised during the journey to that extent by the excess of upward eddies as compared with downward ones  quite impracticable proposition . in the orchids alone do we find among the powder seeded flowering plants a really effective buoyancy this is due to the fact that great reduction in size is accompanied by very loosely disposed tissue enclosing the seed in a kind of net , and by the resistance to the air thus offered , greatly reducing the rate of fall . the seed of the marsh helleborine falls only about as fast as that of the poppies , and would thus , under the same conditions , be carried fifteen times as far . to pass on . some seeds , many of them of considerable size as compared with those which we have just considered , have coverings which are furnished with a membranous wing sometimes extending all round the seed , as in the elm more often placed at one side , as in the sycamore . the effect of such wings is to reduce the rate of fall , imparting to the seed an irregular zigzag motion , as in the former case , or a spinning motion as in the latter . a sycamore seed with the wing removed will fall four or five times as fast as with the wing present . but while a well developed wing forms a more efficient dispersal device than mere reduction in size as found in seed plants , the rate of fall of wing seeds as a whole shows that these appendages do not fit them for anything but short voyages . we may then pass on to consider the plumed seeds , which possess by far the most efficient as well as the most beautiful devices for aiding dispersal found among wind borne seeds . these plumed seeds belong to many different groups of plants , and the tufts of delicate hairs which give them their buoyancy arise in different ways . among the composit , the order which furnishes the most familiar of our plumed seeds , the plume is formed by modification of the upper part of the calyx , which in so many common plants is small , green , and leaf like the lower part of the calyx in the composit is tough , persistent , and close fitting, , forming an additional protection for the seed . the plume springs either from the top of the seed , as in the thistle , or is borne on a slender stalk , as in the dandelion . it consists of a ring or radiating mass of hairs of beautiful delicacy , often bearing short illustration fig .  . and plume seeds . a , mountain willowherb b , dandelion c , mountain avens d , scotch fir e , reed mace . branches these hairs are tightly packed together when the fruit is young or during damp weather , but on a dry day when it is ripe they spread out , and the seed , breaking away from its attachment , is floated off by the wind . in many species the plume or pappus is only lightly attached to the seed , so that if on a voyage an obstacle is encountered the seed drops off , while the now useless parachute drifts away . but though the plume seeds of the composit are the largest and most beautiful among our common plants , they are not the most efficient for dispersal . the fluffy seeds of the willowherbs and of the willows for instance , fall at a slower rate than those of almost any composit , while by far the most buoyant seed in the british flora is that of the reed mace . in this case the seed itself is minute , and is situated on a very slender stalk , from near the base of which springs a tuft of delicate hairs . this seed takes thirty four seconds to fall twelve feet . using once more the azorean example , it could cross the miles of sea if it had an initial elevation of miles , or was raised to that amount during the sixteen hours occupied by its passage . summing up , then , we find that the plume seeds are the most efficient of all seeds for extended flights by the agency of the wind . if the efficiency of the seeds of the reed mace, , the most buoyant among british plants , be taken as the efficiency of the willowherbs is between and of willows to the best of the thistles to dandelion . even the best of the winged seeds are much less efficient , elm and scotch fir being about sycamore and ash or . of powder seeds , the efficiency of several orchids tested ranges from to and broomrapes from to . most of the powder seeds are far below these , the efficiency of seeds of papaver dubium , for example , being only on the same scale . this last figure is representative of the many small seeded plants in the british flora such as are found among the cruciferc , caryophyllace , scrophulariace , etc . the relative efficiency of such comparatively large seeds as those of many of our leguminous plants would be about on the same scale .  . dispersal by animals . coverings of many seeds are provided with hooks or barbs , and others with stiff hairs , which render them liable to become entangled in the hair or fur of passing animals . examples will occur at once to the reader , as this character occurs in the case of many familiar plants , such as burdock enchanters nightshade avens and so on . without doubt these hooked fruits often secure a wide local dispersal by the aid of cattle , sheep , rabbits , and so on the state of ones trousers or stockings after walking the autumn woods is often very suggestive in this regard . again , herbivorous quadrupeds eat seeds in quantities , many of which are capable of germination after passing through the animals body . but while the dispersal obtained by such means may often aid in spreading a species over a tract of land , it does not generally aid in the crossing of barriers , such as mountains or sea , on account of the limitations to the movements of such animals . to arrive at a true estimate of the importance of the animal kingdom in regard to plant migration , we have to study the movements , habits , and food of birds , to whose wanderings neither mountains nor seas set a barrier . seeds are carried about by birds in two ways  becoming attached to their feathers or feet , or by being eaten and subsequently ejected . the first case belongs to the class of phenomena which we have just been considering , save that the smooth plumage of birds , and their frequent preening of their feathers , tends to keep their coats free from extraneous material . but at least in wet weather minute seeds must often cling to feathers and to feet , and mud which may contain seeds may easily be present on a birds toes during flight . more important is the question of endozoic dispersal  seeds are transported in the alimentary canal of birds . some families , like the finches and tits , which eat great numbers of seeds , are inimical instead of helpful to dispersal , because the seeds which they devour are crushed and afterwards digested . but in many cases the seeds are swallowed whole , and are usually in no way injured by their passage through a birds body . frequently , indeed , the seeds have not to run the gauntlet of the digestive juices of the alimentary canal , being disgorged from the stomach along with other hard material prior to digestion . birds which live on berries or other juicy fruits are the most important in seed dispersal . as barrows says the seed eaters are not the seed planters on the contrary , the insectivorous birds more often sow seeds than the true seed eaters . seeds which simply contain nourishment are eaten and destroyed , while seeds which are contained in nourishment are eaten and survive . it is for this reason that , if we look under a tree on which blackbirds or thrushes perch , we shall often find young plants of bramble ivy holly or yew . there can be no doubt that birds eat and subsequently eject vast numbers of seeds still capable of germination many observations and calculations might be quoted . but when we come to apply the facts to the problem of long distance dispersal , or the passage across serious barriers , we find that important limiting factors must be taken into account . the digestion of birds is remarkably rapid , food being ejected from a half to three hours after being eaten , so that a bird eating seeds and at once flying off in a straight line at , say , miles per hour could not convey seeds more than miles . secondly , many observations show that on migration birds generally travel with empty stomachs and clean plumage and feet . it is clear , therefore , that , as in the case of wind dispersal , we must look to exceptional circumstances , not normal conditions , to provide opportunities for long journeys on the part of seeds . but for the transfer of seeds from france to england , for instance , or from england to ireland , it is clear that birds furnish a far more efficient medium than wind or water . in one important particular , dispersal by animals has a great advantage over dispersal by wind  it is practically independent of the weight of the seeds . thus , the heaviest of british seeds , the acorn , is carried about by rooks , just as the hazelnut is scattered by squirrels , or a head of burdock fruits by a passing sheep . having thus arrived at some idea of the high efficiency for dispersal of many kinds of seeds , it is with some little surprise that we observe  we may on any country walk  the plants which arise from these are in general no more abundant or more widely distributed than others which possess seeds devoid of any apparent advantages in this respect  which cannot fly nor float , nor cling to a passing creature , and which are not eaten to any extent by birds so far as observation goes . the truth is , we have to remember , as emphasized in a previous chapter , that the world is already densely populated by plants , all of which survive by reason of their being specially fitted for their several habitats . they have fought in the great struggle for existence , and have established their right to the places which they occupy they will not readily give way to any newcomer whose seeds happen to be imported into their strongholds . of course exceptions can be quoted , where plants accidentally or intentionally introduced by man into new areas have not only maintained a foothold , but have spread remarkably . note the case of the sweetbrier in new zealand , of the mexican bryophyllum calycinum in many tropical countries , of the american monkey flower in our own islands but these are admittedly exceptional . it is nearer the truth to say that the troubles of an immigrant only begin where dispersal ends and that the chance of seeds carrying out a successful migration is much greater than the chances of their giving rise to a new colony when that migration is successfully accomplished . every head of the reed mace liberates about a quarter of a million seeds of marvellous lightness yet the reed mace does not increase in the country , nor is it a particularly abundant plant even in its chosen habitats . the foxgloves in a wood shed , each plant , say a hundred thousand seeds yet on an average only one of these attains maturity , otherwise the species would become more abundant in the area . this enormous destruction of seed is largely due to competition . the reception which a plant receives in its new home is the thing that matters , and that may usually be summed up in the phrase house full . nevertheless , the present flora of great britain is in the long run the result of migration from surrounding areas so that ease of dispersal has undoubtedly played its part in the building up of our vegetation . conditions under which rapid dispersal has obviously an advantage occur when by some exceptional circumstances the natural vegetation is destroyed within an area , as by a flood or landslide . such conditions are produced artificially each season over much of our own country by the operations of agriculture . their results will be considered in a subsequent chapter . chapter iv some inter relations of plants and animals the most important and fundamental difference between the animal and plant worlds is this plants possess the power of manufacturing their food out of the inorganic materials of which it is composed , while animals cannot do this . give an ordinary plant access to water with a pinch of mineral salts in it , to the air , and to sunlight , and by the agency of chlorophyll  green colouring matter of the leaves  miracle will be accomplished , and dead materials transformed into living substance . animals , on the other hand , are dependent for their food supply on organic material  is , on either plant or animal substances and since they cannot live by taking in each others washing  other words , by eating each other  follows that the animal world is dependent on the plant world for its continued existence . a porpoise may live on herrings , on small fry , in turn on minuter organisms , and so on down the scale but their ultimate source of food is the tiny alg which swarm in the water  plankton in hensens original sense  , alone in this chain , can build up their bodies out of the sea and air . that these minute plants can sustain the enormous drain upon them due to their use as a food supply by myriads of larger organisms is due to their vast numbers and rapid increase . sea water favourable for plankton life may contain several millions of individuals in every litre while as a fair estimate for the seas which surround our own islands at least one organism for every drop has been suggested . in the great abysses of the ocean , where vegetable life is absent , the strange creatures which live there in utter darkness prey upon others , and they again on others which belong to lesser depths , the ultimate source of life being again the minute surface organisms which , possessing chlorophyll , can make organic out of inorganic substances by the energy obtained from sunlight . thus only is life made possible in the green hells of the sea where fallen skies and evil hues and eyeless creatures be . on the land , the dependence of animals on plants is in large measure direct , as the supply of vegetable food is abundant and widespread . the largest land animals are all vegetable feeders so are the majority of our own native mammals , and in a great measure our birds while most of the creatures upon which the flesh eating animals prey are themselves vegetable feeders . the distribution of land animals over the globe is thus dependent in large measure on the distribution of plants . on account of the profusion and variety of plant life , and the fact that most vegetable feeders can thrive on various sorts of plants , few animals are restricted in their range by the presence or absence of any particular species or genus , but complete dependence of this sort is by no means unknown . the larv of some butterflies , for instance , eat the leaves of one plant only the peacock and the small tortoiseshell are cases in point . the caterpillars of both these species feed exclusively on the common nettle . should the efforts of farmers and gardeners succeed in exterminating this unwelcome plant , these two butterflies would disappear from the earth . sometimes absolute mutual dependence is found on both the animal and vegetable sides . the american yucca filamentosa , often grown in our gardens , depends solely on the little moth pronuba yuccasella for its pollination , just as the insect is absolutely dependent on the plant and other species of yucca have each its particular dependent moth , which feeds on no other plant , and whose flowers are pollinated by no other . apart from such special cases , the general dependence of animals upon plants is obvious , and is by no means confined to food supply . animals of all grades , from human beings to caddis worms , construct houses of vegetable materials trees are the chosen home of large sections of our fauna , and the herbs of the field are the world for millions of tiny beings . theres never a leaf or a blade too mean to be some happy creatures palace . turning to the other side of the picture , no such general dependence of the plant world upon the animal world is found , but the inter relations of the two are many and varied , and in the absence of animals of one kind or another whole groups of plants would become extinct . the cases where plants derive their food supply wholly from animals are indeed rare , save near the bottom of the vegetable scale , and most of such parasites are minute one of the most noticeable in our own country is the fungus cordyceps militaris , which may be found growing on the dead bodies of larv or pup which it has killed  little scarlet , club shaped plant , about an inch in height . but some of the most highly organized plants obtain portions of their food supply from animal sources . mention has already been made of the sundews butterworts and bladderworts which capture live insects , etc . by means of sensitive organs as in the first two cases or ingenious traps and subsequently digest them , and they will be dealt with later on . then there is the venus fly trap and the well known pitcher plants which actively , as in the former case , or passively , as in the latter , catch insects and digest them , by means of leaves modified in very extraordinary ways . in all these instances the advantage lies entirely on the side of the plant , just as in the case of most of the plant eating animals the advantage is wholly with the animal . but in a large number of instances  of them of a most interesting nature  inter relations are such as to benefit both the actors , each obtaining from the other what is useful to it . one of the most conspicuous and widespread relationships of this kind is that prevailing between flowers and insects , the insect receiving food in the form of nectar , and at the same time carrying pollen from flower to flower , without which transfer no fertile seed would be formed . to this interchange of favours we shall return later meanwhile , it will be well to consider a few of the cases in which the relationship between plant and animal is continuous and more intimate , the two living in very close relations to each other to such cases the term symbiosis or living together is applied by naturalists . the relations existing between certain trees and some species of ant are of high interest , and illustrate well this phase of life . the candelabra tree of the south american forests is liable to attack by leaf cutting ants which climb trees and bite off thousands of leaves these they cut up on the ground and carry to their nests , where they form a basis for the growth of certain small fungi which are a favourite food of the ants compare the cultivation of mushrooms as practised by gardeners . the candelabra tree protects itself from these ravages by forming an alliance with another kind of ant . along the hollow stems are little pits through which the ants easily bore , and reach the convenient houses within , where they live and bring up their young . at the base of the leaf stalks, , where the greatest danger lies from the leaf cutting ants , little tufts of hairs are situated , among which are small white masses of nutritious material much liked by the ants , and collected by them and stored within their houses . so that these desirable trees are swarming with aztec ants , fierce little creatures  is one of the most bellicose ants that i know , and its sting is most irritating , writes kerner  congregate especially at the leaf stalks, , the point of attack of the leaf cutters . the advantages of these arrangements to both the trees and the aztec ants are obvious . a very remarkable instance of a different kind is supplied by the relations existing between the american species of yucca and the small white winged moths of the genus pronuba . the following succinct account is given by professor g . h . carpenter the female of these moths has not only the palps of the first maxill developed , but the region of the maxill whence they spring produced into a pair of long , flexible , hairy processes . by means of these she collects from the anthers pollen , which she deliberately carries to the stigma to ensure fertilization . with her piercing ovipositor  most abnormal development among moths  bores through the tissue of the pistil , and by means of the flexible egg tube, , protrusible beyond the ovipositor , lays her eggs close to the ovules of the yucca . the caterpillar when hatched feeds on the growing seed of the plant , which would never develop were it not for the action of the pronuba moth . this action is most wonderful , in that the moth herself gets no benefit from it . her food canal is degenerate , and her jaws , useless for sucking , are devoted altogether to the gathering of the pollen she does not feed in the perfect state . doubtless her ancestors did so , and were first attracted to the yucca in search of honey , though the act of pollination is now performed only for the sake of the offspring . among certain lower animals and plants symbiotic connection is often most intimate . for instance , in the body wall of certain sea anemones and holothurians there are small green cells which were long believed to be part of the animal , and which puzzled naturalists because they contained chlorophyll , that remarkable green substance characteristic of plants , which gives to them the power of forming food out of its raw inorganic materials . these cells are now known to be minute seaweeds which spend their lives in the animal tissues to the benefit of both organisms . the plant , by virtue of its chlorophyll , absorbs carbon dioxide , decomposes it , and gives out oxygen , which is eagerly seized on by the animal . the animal in its turn liberates carbon dioxide , which is required by the plant . similar relations exist between alg and some of the lowly radiolarians and foraminifera in these cases , the animals being very minute , the plant partner plays a more conspicuous rle . it is noteworthy that these alg are quite capable of living and multiplying separately , free from the body of the animals , and the animals also are capable of pursuing an independent existence . let us turn now to the relations existing between flowers and insects , which form one of the most picturesque and romantic features of field life , and of which the materials for study and observation are ever at our own doors . what is a flower . a flower is a group of modified leaves set apart for the business of sexual reproduction . the essential parts or sporophylls are of two kinds , which may be borne on the same flower or on separate flowers on one plant , or on separate plants . these are the stamens , bearing pollen grains from which male cells arise and carpels , which contain ovules , each enclosing an embryo sac or megaspore , in which is an ovum or female cell . each stamen consists usually of a slender stalk , the filament , bearing an oblong head , the anther , which contains four chambers , or pollen sacs , filled with pollen grains these , when mature , escape into the air by the rupturing of the walls of the chambers . each carpel contains in its lower part an ovary , while its upper part presents to the air a surface charged with nutrient substance , the stigma , which is often raised on a slender stalk , the style . to secure the production of seed , the first necessary step is pollination , or the transfer of pollen from the stamen to the stigma . when this is effected  means will be considered immediately  a pollen grain alights on the surface of the stigma , which is usually sticky or hairy to aid its retention there , the pollen grain commences growth , and sends out a slender tube which pursues its way through the substance of the stigma , down the style , into the ovary , and from its tip a male cell passes out and fuses with the ovum . in most flowers the pollen tube is not called on to make any great effort of growth , the distance between stigma and ovary being very small but occasionally , as in crocus and lily , this may amount to half a foot . the result of this act of fertilization is that the ovum and ovule grow , the former forming eventually the embryo , or young plant , the latter the seed in which the embryo is enclosed . in order that fertile seed may be produced it is often necessary , and usually desirable , that the pollen which reaches the stigma should not belong to the same flower , but to a different flower of the same species cross pollination being the rule among seed plants , self pollination the exception . to secure the former , and to avoid the latter , many highly interesting devices are found , materially affecting the structure and development of flowers . the essential parts of a flower , then , consist of stamens and carpels . flowers consisting of no other parts but either or both of these are not common , but we may compare , for example , the rarely produced flowers of the duckweeds in which a tiny group of two stamens and a carpel represents one flower , or , according to some views , a group of three flowers . more commonly the flower is much more composite , consisting mostly of four sets of organs , arranged in whorls or rings , or more rarely in close spirals . in the centre is a group of carpels outside them  other words , slightly lower on the stem  ring , or two rings , of stamens , few or many then a ring of petals , forming the corolla , usually coloured , leaf like, , and conspicuous and outside of them a ring of sepals , forming the calyx , generally green and leaf like . the main function of the calyx is protective it encloses the essential organs and guards them till they are mature , when the flower opens and stamen and stigma play their parts . the calyx is usually tough , and often covered with hairs , or with a sticky substance , to keep the flower safe and ward off the attacks of insects or other small devourers . if we turn to the corolla we find a singular variety of size , form , and colour . to account for this , it is necessary to consider the means by which pollen is distributed . there are two chief ways in which pollen is conveyed from flower to flower  means of the wind , and by means of flying insects . if we examine wind pollinated flowers , such as hazel scotch fir or reed mace we note the small size of the flowers and the great abundance of pollen . compare these with insect fertilized flowers , such as buttercup flax snapdragon or one of the orchids . in these the flowers are much larger owing to the increased size of the petals , which are of brilliant colour and of various shape . pollen is mostly much reduced in quantity , since insects flying direct from flower to flower afford a far more economical mode of distribution than is offered by the wind . the pollen grains , moreover , are sticky and covered with tiny spines or knobs , to render them more liable to adhere to the body or head of an insect the pollen grains of wind fertilized flowers being , on the other hand , smooth , dry , and dust like . again , these insect pollinated flowers usually possess little glands which secrete nectar , the sugary syrup which by digestion in a bees body becomes honey . here , then , is the inter relation established the insect helps the plant by carrying its pollen from flower to flower , and in its turn is helped by the provision of delicious food . and what about the showy petals , and the fragrance that so often marks these entomophilous flowers . they are advertisements , designed to catch the attention of the necessary insects as they fly about . not only does the corolla by its bright colour attract insects , but markings of various shapes and tints upon the petals are generally held to be honey guides directing the insects to the nectar and to the pollen . these are especially conspicuous in many of the irregular flowers to which reference will be made shortly , in which the insects are encouraged to approach the flowers in a particular way . an example of such markings , as seen in the genus erodium , is shown in fig .  . it is interesting to note the various ways in which flowers render themselves conspicuous in order to attract insects . in the majority of seed plants , such as the buttercup , pea , rose , foxglove , it is the corolla , formed either of separate petals , as in the first three , or of petals fused together , as in the last , which by its bright colour or colours renders the flower noticeable . in other species the calyx takes on the function of advertisement , the corolla being in comparison insignificant  may study examples of this in the anemones , hellebores , and marsh marigold . it is worth examining this last , to see how its coloured sepals resemble and fulfil the same function as the petals of its cousins the buttercups . or , again , sepals and petals may combine in showiness , both sets being brightly coloured in one or more tints  the columbine larkspur milkwort and the marvellous flowers of orchids . in the great group of the monocotyledons , indeed , to which illustration fig .  . of astrantia carniolica , showing petal like ring of coloured leaves .  . the orchids belong , sepals and petals usually combine in form and colour to form one corolla like envelope . in many other plant groups  instance , the dipsacace such as the scabious , umbellifer , and composit  is obtained by a grouping together of a large number of small flowers . in the cow parsnep the outer petal of the marginal flowers of the large umbel is much enlarged , which enhances this effect . in astrantia , an interesting genus of umbellifer , the bracts take on the appearance of a ring of large petals , and surround the group of small flowers . the same thing may be noticed in the outer blossoms of the close flower head of the field scabious knautia arvensis . in many composit the process is carried still farther in the common daisy the outer flowers have each a long strap shaped expansion of the corolla , which is of a different colour from that of the corollas of the inner flowers , which are yellow . in the dandelion all the flowers have a yellow strap shaped corolla . in the guelder rose the outer flowers are entirely devoted to advertisement , consisting each of a big white corolla , while only the small inner flowers possess stamens and pistil and are capable of producing the brilliant scarlet berries . in a cultivated form of this , commonly called the snowball tree , the advertisement flowers only are present , forming a globe of white blossom , and no fruit is produced in consequence . the dwarf cornel a little dogwood growing on many scottish moors , bears what looks like a white flower with a purple centre . on examination it is seen that the four white petal like structures are really foliage leaves, , which have taken on the duty of advertising the group of small purple blossoms which they enclose . a similar and very gorgeous effect is produced in several spurges often seen in greenhouses , such as euphorbia fulgens , e . splendens , and e . punicea in these the upper foliage leaves are large and coloured brilliant scarlet , the flowers which accompany them being quite small . these aggregations of flowers with their flaunting flags are in general an invitation to all comers the nectar in the blossoms lies open to every hungry insect , and pollination is effected in a rather promiscuous and messy way not only flying insects  , butterflies , beetles , and flies of many sorts  also ants and other creatures which creep up the stems from the ground , assemble for the feast , and incidentally transfer from flower to flower pollen which may adhere to their bodies . illustration fig .  . cornel and single flower enlarged . in a large number of flowers such general feasting is discountenanced , insect traffic is regulated , the visits of insects of little or no service to the plants is discouraged , and special arrangements are made to attract and minister to the needs of those insects whose visits are of most benefit . except where flowers are borne in clusters , creeping creatures like ants are of no service for in the course of the journey by land from one flower to another , there is a strong probability of any pollen which the insect may be carrying being rubbed off before the next blossom is reached small flying insects are likewise frequently useless . in many plants the visits of such pedestrians and small fry is very distinctly discouraged . of different devices which serve this end , the most conspicuous and effective include barriers to the passage of stem climbers, , and devices in the flower preventive of the visits of unwelcome guests . we may take a few instances from among british plants , which the reader may with a little diligence find and study for himself . several members of the pink family produce a sticky secretion which is a very effectual bar to the passage of small walking animals . in the english catchfly night flowering catchfly and the nottingham catchfly hairs are present all over the leaves and stems , from the tips of which a gummy substance exudes , which is a fatal trap for small insects . kerner , in his interesting book , flowers and their unbidden guests , states that on the sticky stems of the last , in the tyrol , he identified the remains of sixty different kinds of insects  , ichneumons , beetles , bugs , flies , and so on . the red german campion lychnis viscaria has an extremely sticky ring below each joint of the stem and inflorescence , which is most fatal to any creature which attempts to climb to the flowers . other instances , such as the petunia or moss rose , will occur to the reader . another familiar kind of barrier is the presence on the calyx or involucre of a palisade of stiff hairs or prickles , such as may be studied in the thistles in some plants a downward pointing ring of stiff hairs at each joint serves the same purpose . in the japanese wineberry often grown in gardens , the calyx , like the stem , is densely clothed with bright red slender spines . it opens to allow the inconspicuous petals to expand , and then closes again and resumes its protective rle till the scarlet fruit approaches maturity . illustration fig .  . wineberry . leaf and panicle , flower after pollination ripe fruit , both slightly enlarged . but it is in the flower itself that we find the most ingenious arrangements to encourage useful and discourage useless visitors , to assist the former to pollinate the flower , and while offering nectar to the welcome guest to deny it to the unwelcome . the first stage in this specialization is that the flower , instead of having its axis vertical , and facing the sky , is turned on its side by the curving of its stalk , and looks out horizontally . the effect of this is to cause a flying insect on approaching the flower to alight in a particular position  , on the lowest petal . following on the adoption of this attitude the next stage in development is seen in the parts of the flower beginning to alter their shape and position relative to each other and often also their colour . thus , beginning with a quite regular flower , we can arrange a series showing more and more asymmetry . the tendency is generally for the lowest petal to become enlarged and often conspicuously marked , providing a broad , convenient platform on which insects may alight , while the remainder form walls and roof , protecting the important parts within and by their shape , which is often narrowed and tubular behind , barring access to all but chosen visitors . to find a full series illustrating these transformations we do not need to go to plants widely separated in their affinities . in the buttercup order alone every gradation may be found . the flowers of the buttercups themselves are upright and quite regular . in the larkspur the flower is turned on its side , and a puzzling combination of coloured sepals and petals  bright blue unequal sepals and a single large purplish petal of peculiar shape with a long hollow spur behind  a quite irregular blossom . the process is carried farther again in the monkshood in whose well known blue flower the sepals and petals combine to produce a strikingly irregular blossom , with the upper sepal arching over into a great hood protecting the rest of the flower . in such irregular flowers the essential parts  pollen producing and pollen receiving portions , or stamens and stigma  alter their position and form , and are so placed that an insect , visiting the flower to obtain nectar which is generally stored at the back , well out of the way , must of necessity receive pollen on its body , and probably deposit pollen on the stigma . to describe the variety and ingenuity of these devices as found in different flowers might well occupy several chapters , and only one or two examples can be quoted here familiar wild flowers are chosen , and the reader should examine them for himself to understand their structure . in the well known pea type , one great petal arches over the flower two narrow ones stand one on either side the remaining two stand on edge below , with their margins in contact , enclosing the stamens and pistil . an insect visiting the flower alights naturally on the keel or pair of lower petals . pressed down by its weight , these open , often with a sudden movement like bursting , and dust the insect with pollen . compare also the flowers of the snapdragons and toadflaxes in which the upper and lower lips of the corolla meet like a closed mouth , which can be forced open only by a strong insect like a bee , and is safe from predatory visits of smaller fry . in the sages the corolla is tubular at the base there is a large lobed lip on which visiting insects alight , and a hooded roof above arching over the stamens and pistil , which are placed close against it , overhanging the entrance to the corolla tube, , at the base of which the nectar is stored . the stamens , only two of which are developed , have each a hinge near the top , the part above the hinge being like a curved rod supported near its middle . these two curved rods stand normally in a vertical position , so that their lower ends partly block the entrance to the tube the pollen is borne at their upper ends . should a bee insert its head down the tube in search of nectar , it pushes the lower ends of the hinged rods upwards , with the result that their upper ends swing downward against the bees back , dusting it with pollen just at that part of its body which , if the bee should visit a rather older flower , would come in contact with the stigma , the slender stalk of which increases in length during the period of flowering , and is in consequence the more liable to be encountered . only one more instance can be referred to , which can be tested by the reader any summer day wherever any of our native orchids grow . in these , the most highly specialized of all plant groups as regards pollination by insects , the general arrangement of the flower is often somewhat similar in a general sense to the last case but here the sepals and petals which between them form the platform , tube , sides , and roof of the flower , are all separate and often differently and elaborately coloured . the essential organs are greatly modified and hardly recognizable at first . there is only one stamen , producing two clusters of pollen , which are embedded in the roof of the flower . each possesses a slender stalk which terminates in a little sticky disc which projects from the general surface . the pollen grains are held together in a mass by fine threads , and the whole with its stalk  pollinium  a lemonade bottle in shape . the stigma is also embedded , forming a sticky surface in the roof of the flower behind the stamen . when an insect inserts its head into the flower , its forehead comes in contact with the sticky ends of the pollinia , which adhere , so that on leaving the flower the insect flies away with the pollen sticking to its forehead like two little horns . and now a remarkable thing happens . the stalks of the pollinia , drying rapidly in the air , contract unequally , and become curved , so that the pollinia bend forward into a horizontal position . when the insect visits another flower and thrusts in its head , the pollen consequently comes in contact with the sticky stigmatic surface farther down the tube , and cross pollination is effected . in the cases of many of these highly specialized flowers , one is no less struck with the perfection of the arrangements made for preventing self pollination, , than those adapted to securing cross pollination . but in a few , on the contrary , self pollination is specially arranged for . it must be pointed out that the insects which pollinate these specialized flowers have in many cases acquired modifications in their structure corresponding to the modifications in the flowers which they frequent . in the more specialized forms , indeed , plant and animal have become entirely dependent on each other the plants would become extinct in the absence of the special insects through whose agency they are able by pollination to produce fertile seed and the insects would likewise die out if the flowers to whose nectar and pollen they look for food were not available . as regards the kinds of insects which visit flowers for food , these are very numerous and belong to almost every section of that large class . in many , such as neuroptera , orthoptera , hemiptera , coleoptera , there is very little special adaptation for their flower feeding habits , and these insects visit flowers , such as the umbellifer , in which the nectar and pollen are freely exposed , and lie open to all . many of the diptera , or flies , are in the same case but in some families , such as the bombyliid , high specialization for securing food from flowers is found the creatures are provided with elongated probosces for sucking nectar even when it is deeply hidden , and no other food is used by the insects in their adult stage . but it is among the long tongued bees and the lepidoptera that the highest degree of adaptation in this direction is found and the modifications are associated with those flowers which have become most highly specialized for insect pollination , and most completely dependent on it . in the bees the legs have become much modified for the gathering of pollen , and the mouth is a long flexible sucking tube which when not in use is carried rolled up in a spiral . the pollen , on which food alone the young bees are fed , is gathered and stored among rows of hairs on the legs , and in the more highly specialized forms it is wetted with honey so as to form a compact mass , easily carried and easily removed when the nest is reached . the balls of pollen thus formed are sometimes nearly the size of the body of the bee , and may contain one to two hundred thousand grains of pollen . the formation of the mouth is beautiful and complicated , adapted to the rapid sucking up of nectar even if deeply placed in the flower . the nectar is stored in the body of the bee , and subsequently transferred to the waxen honey cells in the hive . in the butterflies and moths the mouth parts are also modified for sucking , and as these insects do not build nests or take care of their offspring as bees do the mouth is formed solely for the purpose of securing the nectar which is their only food . the proboscis varies greatly in length in different groups , according to the kind of flower which they visit . in the owl moths it is sometimes only eight millimetres long in many of the butterflies it is about half an inch . in the hawk moths it attains a remarkable development , necessitated no doubt by the habit of these insects of not alighting on or entering a flower , but hovering in front of it as a humming bird does , and sucking up the nectar while thus poised . the proboscis of the convolvulus hawk moth measures to millimetres and some of the tropical allies of this moth have probosces twice or even three times that length . these species feed on the nectar of flowers with tubular corolla of corresponding dimensions . most of the hawk moths feed only at dusk , and as the time is short they take advantage of their powers of rapid flight to visit a very large number of flowers in a short period . moreover , in common with most of the more specialized flower feeding insects , they do not visit the flowers of different species indiscriminately , but dash to blossom after blossom of whatever single species they have selected . hermann mller records watching humming bird hawk moths at work at the summit of the albula pass one visited flowers of viola calcarata in under minutes another blossoms of the same plant in minutes . the day flying butterflies display none of this restless energy . the sunshine is pleasant and the day long . they wander aimlessly in their beauty from flower to flower , sun themselves on the warm ground , or whirl through the air with the first good comrade that by chance appears . they are the flowers of the air , and our country rambles are made more joyous by their careless companionship . chapter v plant structures in the course of the preceding chapters a number of the more striking modifications displayed by the different organs of plants have been described briefly . reference has been made to the increased length or thickness of the roots in plants of dry places , and the weakness or absence of root system of many water plants . corresponding variation in stems has been noted . the remarkable leaves of desert and water plants and of some carnivorous species have been mentioned . the profound alteration in flowers which have adapted themselves to pollination by insects has been sketched as also the great variety in the shapes of fruits and seeds , correlated to the methods by which they are dispersed . it may be well to consider the question of plant structures on a broader and more systematic basis , and , as before , to connect them where possible with the external factors which have caused their modification and to which they are the plants response . these factors are physical , or chemical , or biological , and affect the plant mainly through the agency of the soil , the atmosphere , or living organisms . the living plant is a synthetic machine . under proper working conditions of heat , moisture , and light it builds up its body by absorption of inorganic material , liquid and gaseous , through its roots and leaves . for the present purpose we may take our typical plant as consisting of subterranean roots and aerial leaves on the one hand , and aerial flowers on the other  roots and leaves concerned especially with carrying on the life of the individual , the flowers with perpetuating the race . in addition , an aerial stem is usually present , on which the leaves and flowers are displayed , and through which the food materials pass dissolved in water . of these parts , the lower ones are immersed in the soil , while the upper ones the leaves and the flowers  are groups of modified leaves  usually the stems are immersed in the atmosphere . all the parts have acquired their form and fulfil their functions under control of the particular medium which surrounds them it becomes necessary to preface any discussion of their characters and uses by a brief survey of the characters of these envelopes . while the atmosphere is familiar to us as the medium in which we ourselves live and move and have our being , and while its chemical and physical properties are known in outline to every schoolchild , it is different with the soil not only because , unlike the atmosphere , soil varies much in composition and character , but also because the soil is in fact a very complex product , offering many difficult problems to the investigator it is only of late years that the scientific study of the soil has been placed on a sound basis our knowledge of it is still far from complete . whence does soil arise . how is it that the surface of the land is usually covered with a layer of fertile material . the answer is to be found , in the first place , in the decay of rocks under the influence of natural agents . heat and frost , rain and drought , by slow degrees break up the surface of the hard material of which the solid crust of the earth is built up . the dbris thus formed is washed into streams by rain , or scattered by wind . a stream flowing into the sea , and charged with the dbris of the land , deposits the coarser material near its mouth , while the finer particles are carried farther . in dry regions wind plays a similar part . and so , while the materials which composed the surface layer of the cooling primitive earth may have been tolerably uniform in composition , the dbris derived from them has ever tended to get sorted out , as , for instance , into sand and mud at river mouths , or sand and dust in dry regions . in the course of ages the sorted materials , buried beneath subsequent deposits , have been formed through heat and pressure into rocks , which , when at length again brought to the surface by earth movement and exposed to the agents of disintegration , have been resolved once more into sands , clays , and so on . in the long history of the earth this sorting process has been repeated till now large tracts of rocks and of soils are composed mainly of sand or mainly of clay . the prevalence of these two kinds of material arises from the abundance in the primitive crust of the substances of which they are composed . silica the material of which ordinary sand , as well as quartz , flint , etc . is composed , is of extreme hardness and insolubility , and its small crystals and fragments , disintegrated from the rocks , remain almost indestructible as grains of sand . clays , on the other hand , are derived from silicates compounds of silicon and oxygen with various metals such as aluminium , calcium , magnesium , potassium , sodium , or iron . these substances mostly disintegrate more completely into very small particles , which when wet cohere into a sticky mass and form clays . along with the humus matter they include all the colloids of the soil . these latter bodies consist of the extremely minute  , ultra microscopic , having in consequence of their small size a great total surface in proportion to their mass . in virtue of this , they function as the chief absorbents of the soil , holding water in enormous quantities , and abstracting and retaining till used by the plants the bases of the various substances applied as manures . another constituent of the primitive crust was lime . unlike the preceding substances , lime is readily soluble in acid water , and so is washed out of the rocks and carried in solution to the sea . marine animals of many kinds  as molluscs , corals , foraminifera  the lime from the sea water and use it in large quantities to build up their shells or skeletons . this material slowly accumulates at the bottom of the ocean as generation after generation of animals passes away , becomes at length consolidated by heat and pressure , and through earth movements may eventually appear above the sea to form land , in the form of limestone or chalk . exposed to the weather , it is once more slowly disintegrated the lime passes off again in solution , the impurities being left behind a limy soil results . on a great plain , devoid of hills or rivers , composed of different rocks , and subjected to the agents of disintegration , we can conceive that over each kind of rock a soil would be formed corresponding closely to the materials of which that rock is composed . in sections formed by quarrying , by the cutting action of rapid streams , and so on , we may often see this . below is the solid rock . its upper layers tend to be loose and rotten owing to the action of percolating water , etc . they merge into a layer of stony dbris , where the harder portions still retain their rock character , while the softer are disintegrating into clay or sand . above this the rock is wholly disintegrated into a soil , the upper layers of which , mixed with plant dbris , and consequently of darker colour , are full of the roots of living plants descending from the sward which covers the surface of the ground . in practice , however , such close conformity of soil to underlying rock is not always found . various distributing agents are ever at work  , water in an especial degree , and on sloping ground the action of gravity . in northern countries , besides , the ice of the glacial period has in its passage caught up all the loose surface material , added immensely to its volume by grinding down the rocks , and flung the products broadcast over the country , so that old sea bottoms may be strewn over coastal lands , sands and gravels over clayey rocks , and limy soils over areas where no limestone exists . the soil over much of the british isles is formed from the surface layer of these glacial deposits , which  , intractable , sterile  the soil often to a great depth , where they rest on rock . in southern england the covering of glacial deposits is absent , since the ice cap did not extend beyond the thames valley beds much older than the ice age , often of a gravelly or clayey nature , occupy the ground , and from these the present soils are derived . there is another constituent of soils of primary importance for vegetable life , which results from the decay of the generations of plants which have gone before . when plants die , their bodies are decomposed by the agency of bacteria . some of the constituents pass off as gas or water , but there remains an amount of solid matter which mixes with the soil and is of the utmost importance for plant growth . nitrogen , which forms the greater part of the atmosphere , cannot in the gaseous state be absorbed by plants , although they spend their lives surrounded by it . it is a necessary substance in the plants economy , and through the action of soil bacteria , which change the nitrogenous matter in humus into soluble nitrates , plants are able to utilize this store . the ordinary soils of our fields may be defined as a mixture of sand , clay , and humus . a soil which is too rich , or too poor , in any one of the three will support plant life with difficulty . the roots of plants require also a due amount of both water and air if they are to fulfil their functions adequately . an examination of the minute structure of the soil shows that it consists of angular particles of very various size  larger ones classed as sand and consisting largely of silica the smaller , which decrease in size beyond the limits of microscopic vision , mainly of clay and humus . a film of water clings round each particle , and between the particles the chinks are filled with air . for healthy plant growth a nice balance between these constituents is required . should sand be in excess , the soil is impoverished , since silica contains no nutriment , and it is rendered too dry , as on account of the relatively small surface of the sand grains in proportion to their mass it retains but little water . should there be too little sand , percolation of air and water is hampered the soil tends to become water logged and badly aerated , and turns sour . should humus be absent , the nitrogen producing bacteria cease their activities and the soil is sterile , as may be tested by digging up some subsoil , or soil from the deeper levels to which roots or other organic matter have never penetrated . an excess of humus , on the other hand , results in the accumulation of acid products inimical to bacterial growth in consequence decay is arrested , and a mass of plant dbris forms , highly charged with acid water and badly aerated , which is unsuitable for vegetable growth we may study an extreme case of such conditions in our peat bogs . should water be in excess in soils , air is forced out in proportion , and the roots cannot breathe . too much air means a corresponding diminution of water , and the plants suffer from drought . the soil is not merely a reservoir for the mineral nutrients of plants , but is the seat of complex physical , chemical , and biological actions which directly and indirectly influence soil fertility . these actions are intimately associated with the organic matter of the soil and its bacterial inhabitants . mineralogy and inorganic chemistry , though helpful , are no longer capable of solving soil problems . biochemistry and bacteriology , with their modern conceptions of colloids , absorption phenomena , enzymes , oxidizing , reducing , and catalytic actions , etc . are now rapidly extending our knowledge of the soil as a medium for plant growth . such , then , is the nature of the soil in which plants grow , and from which , by means of innumerable elongated cells proceeding from near the tips of the roots , food materials dissolved in water are absorbed these food materials being produced partly by solution of mineral constituents contained in the soil , partly by the action of bacteria in breaking up organic matter . soil suitable for plant growth may be looked on as consisting of a mineral framework , carrying in its meshes water and air mixed with the mineral particles is humus of varying amount and supported largely by the humus is a vast population of organisms , both animal and vegetable , from earthworms to bacteria , whose activities are often essential , generally beneficial , and occasionally prejudicial to plant growth . the root of a young plant grows downward into the soil under the influence of gravity . its tip , which has to force its way through the rough material of sand and clay , is beautifully protected by a special root cap, , which covers the growing point as with a cushion . the surface of the root cap is slimy , to aid it in slipping forward , and its cells , which are being worn away constantly , are replaced by the growth of the interior . should an obstacle such as a pebble be encountered , a root will bend round it and then return to its former direction . branch roots are given off on all sides at an angle to the main stem , these also tending in a mysterious way , if their course is disturbed by an obstacle , to resume their former direction of growth the branches again divide , till at length a complicated root mass is formed , sometimes of great extent , and capable of extracting water from a large volume of soil . save for continued growth , the roots show little change in comparison with those exhibited by the aerial parts of plants safely immersed in the soil , they heed not day or night , storm or calm , but steadily pursue their main function of supplying liquid food material to the green parts overhead . in many instances roots do not accomplish their work single handed, , but only in co operation with certain lowly organisms and these cases are so interesting and of so much economic importance that reference should be made to them . the little swellings or tubercles upon the roots of leguminous plants , such as clover , are familiar to most of us . these are caused by the stimulation due to colonies of bacteria bacillus radicicola , which live in the root tissues as internal parasites . these bacteria feed on the sap and cell contents of their host , but they supplement this food supply by absorbing nitrogen direct from the atmosphere , which the host cannot do , though it can and does use the nitrogenous compounds which the bacteria manufacture . it is a case of symbiosis each organism supplying food useful to the other but the significance of the phenomenon is that through this agency nitrogen becomes added to the soil as the plants decay , and increases its fertility and thus the cultivation of a crop of , say , lucerne becomes a matter of great economic importance in farming operations , and the presence of clover in pasture is a source of increasing wealth . again , in the roots of most of our forest trees , both hardwoods and conifers , and of many other plants such as the ericace and orchidace , the root hairs are replaced by minute fungi known as mycorhiza , whose branches take on the function of absorption , while the roots in turn absorb the material which the fungus collects . the fungus obtains from the roots a direct and convenient supply of carbohydrates the host obtains from the fungus a ready supply of salts and of nitrogenous compounds . in the case of the forest trees and some other plants , the fungus forms a close felt around the roots but in the heaths , etc . it penetrates the roots , living in the cells and in some instances , as in the ling permeating the whole plant , even to the seed coat, , so that seed and fungus are sown together . since the higher partner of the symbiosis cannot mature without the lower , this is an obvious advantage to the former , as the two develop together from the commencement of growth . where the fungus is not present in the seed , the seedling has to rely on its presence in the soil . and so , if we wish to raise any of our common terrestrial orchids from seed , we try to ensure the presence of the fungus by using soil in which the species has been growing already . the state of mutual dependence existing between seed plants and mycorhizic fungi sometimes ends in the higher organism ceasing to manufacture its food by means of green leaves , and depending wholly on the lower for its sustenance . this is the condition to which some of our orchids have come , such as the birds nest which does not produce leaves or chlorophyll , but sends up from its fungus infested roots merely a scaly brown stem topped with brown blossoms , matching curiously the dead leaves among which it grows fig . p .  . in contrast to these the case of certain other orchids may be quoted , which have also lost their leaves , but in a very different manner . in their case the roots , creeping over the bark of trees on which the plants perch as epiphytes , have become green and flattened , like the fronds of some of our native liverworts they have assumed the functions of leaves in them the process of photosynthesis is carried on and the leaves themselves , thus supplanted , have by degrees disappeared . like many other parts of plants , roots are often used for the storage of reserve supplies of food or of water . for this purpose they become much thickened , and this thickening is the most conspicuous change which roots usually undergo . note the fat roots of many plants which grow in dry or arid places , such as the sea holly , dandelion , and many desert plants and alpines . the thickening is often accompanied by increase in length , as the roots range far in search of water . another point to notice is that though normally roots differ considerably from their associated stems in general appearance , and also in their minute structure , as in the arrangement of the vascular strands , the two are related . stem structures are often produced at various points on roots the suckers sent up by many kinds of trees offer an example . conversely , roots are readily produced even from the upper portions of many stems  how could we grow cuttings . where roots are succulent  is , when they have a reserve of food stored in them  of them will conversely produce stems . a classical instance of such interchangeability of function is the young willow which lindley bent down and buried the top till it rooted the original roots were then dug up and raised into the air , when they produced leafy branches , and the tree grew upside down henceforth . underground stems , also , of which there is a great variety , take on many of the characters of roots , and from an examination of a small piece of one it is often difficult to tell whether we are dealing with a root or a stem . the point at which root joins stem is , in fact , in many instances , so far as function is concerned , fixed only so long as the level of the surface remains fixed we can often alter it by earthing up or by stripping away the soil . in tropical forests , where the air is moist , hot , and still , roots  branches which serve only as roots  through the air from heights almost equalling those to which stems ascend while , on the other hand , in hot , poorly aerated swamps , roots send up from the mud into the air stem like structures through which they may breathe , as in the case of the swamp cypress of florida . the primary differences between the two , in fact , do not prevent the one from taking on the general characters of the other , and from functioning as the other , when the environment changes . the stems of plants may be looked on from two points of view  a framework devoted to the display of the leaves and flowers , and as pipe lines connected with the nutrition of the plant , conveying raw materials from the roots to the leaves , and manufactured products from the leaves to all growing parts . it is the former relation which has mainly determined the forms of stems . even a very slender stem can convey a vast amount of water and food to a plant which is transpiring or growing actively , as we can test roughly by weighing a pot shrub as it begins to come into leaf , and again a week later , or comparing the growth of a pea with the size of its stem at the base . the surprising variation in length , thickness , form , position , and branching of stems is the plants response to external conditions  as exposure , the competition of neighbouring plants , and so on  resolve themselves ultimately into questions of wind pressure, , of temperature , of moisture , and in particular of light . the first duty of most stems is to spread out the leaves so that they may receive a maximum share of sunlight , and the complicated systems of branches with which we are so well acquainted are devoted to this object , the leaves themselves helping materially by the positions which they assume . this familiar and typical kind of stem , upright and column like, , beautifully constructed to bear the weight of leaves and branches , and to resist wind pressure, , alone furnishes a delightful study but it can be dealt with only very briefly , as also some of the modifications which it undergoes under special circumstances . to plants which have not taken to a terrestrial existence , and which still inhabit their ancestral home in the water , the stem problem is comparatively simple . a flexible shaft capable of withstanding wave and current action suffices so far as mechanical considerations go such shafts  we may observe by watching the oar weed on an exposed coast  effective under very arduous conditions . those seed plants which , evolved on land , have later returned to the water , such as the pondweeds have often redeveloped a stem of a similar kind  flexible shaft possessing a sufficient tensile strength . the specific gravity of such plants does not exceed that of the medium in which they are immersed , and the stem has not to support the weight of leaves and branches . it is , therefore , not surprising to find that the longest , though by no means the bulkiest , of all plants , are found in the sea . some of the oar weeds of the southern and western oceans attain lengths which have been estimated at to feet but these gigantic seaweeds are nevertheless slender plants , suspended lightly in the water . but after the colonization of the land by the aquatic flora numerous serious problems had to be encountered and solved before plants in an aerial environment could rise boldly into the air . extremes of temperature unknown in the water had to be faced . along with a greatly increased loss of water owing to the presence of air and direct sunlight , the area over which water might be absorbed became largely reduced , the roots alone being now available . the whole weight of branches and leaves and fruit had to be borne by the stem , not only in calm but in storm . no wonder that to meet these conditions , or to avoid such extremes as were avoidable , aerial stems often display great complexity and diversity of structure and form . from the mechanical standpoint the tall stem is especially interesting on account of the illustration fig .  . of strengthening material in root and in stem . beautiful structural adaptations by which it meets the various stresses to which it is subjected . the problem before the plant is to combine a minimum quantity of material with a maximum of strength and rigidity . strands of toughened fibre , so disposed as to meet the stresses most advantageously , are characteristic of such stems . in the case of many tall annuals , such as the larger umbellifer , the principle of the hollow column is largely employed in proportion to the strength obtained , this is far more economical than a solid column and economy is particularly necessary in such annual stems , where the time available for construction is short . transverse partitions at intervals provide stiffening of the whole and as the efficiency of the toughened longitudinal strands increases with their distance from the centre , the stems are often ribbed , the strands occupying the ribs , with softer substance between . this form of construction may be contrasted with that obtaining in the roots . in the latter the greatest mechanical stress is in the form of a longitudinal pull caused by swaying of the stem under wind pressure . to meet this the vascular strands are arranged , not marginally , but in a central bundle , where they can best meet stresses of the kind . in most trees the stems are solid here economy of material is less urgent , as a long period of years is available for their building up the great amount of cell space thus made available for food storage is a valuable asset to the plant , as is evident from a consideration of the vast amount of fresh tissue produced in a brief period by a deciduous tree when it bursts into leaf . as this material , stored in the stems and roots , has to be sent up to the twigs dissolved in water , and as during the whole period of growth vast amounts of water are transpired , an elaborate and complete pipe system is intercalated with the reinforced concrete structure of the tree trunk . pumped up by the roots , and sucked up by the leaves , water and food pass rapidly from the ground to the topmost twig of the loftiest tree . to explain the massiveness of a tree trunk we have to remember that , while the cross section of any structure varies as the square of its linear dimension , the volume varies as the cube of the same . if we double the dimensions of a tree , we increase its weight eight times , but the strength of the trunk is increased only four times . if a tree feet high is supported on a stem feet in diameter , a tree feet high of the same proportions would need a stem not feet , but over feet in diameter , to be supported equally efficiently . this proportion increases rapidly a similar tree feet high would need a stem feet in diameter a tree feet high would require a stem feet in diameter , or square feet in cross section . we see , then , why a limit of tree growth is rapidly reached , at about feet , and why the trees which grow to that height have trunks which are one of the wonders of the world , exceeding feet in diameter , or about feet in circumference . climbing stems represent efforts on the part of plants to economize material by utilizing the rigidity of neighbouring plants , and by reaching to the light on their shoulders . here , as in aquatics , the rope type of stem is in evidence it resembles a garden hose , offering great flexibility and conducting capacity , but without rigidity to support its own weight , much less that of the leaves and flowers which it bears . to secure support , the stem itself the leaves , or the stipules leafy projections on either side of the junction of leaf and stem , are used . sometimes support is obtained by twining sometimes by adherent discs or aerial roots often by mere scrambling , often aided by reflexed hooks on leaf and stem bramble , cleavers . the mechanism by which twining is accomplished is of great interest . it is an effect of unequal growth of the different sides of the stem . if the unequal growth were confined to one side , the stem would eventually form a coil , or series of circles . but the region of greatest growth keeps shifting round the stem , with the result that the tip of the shoot describes a circle or ellipse , like the hand of a clock pointing successively in all directions . the stimulus is due , as in the case of the erect growth of ordinary stems which usually display similar movements in a less degree to gravity . sometimes the movement , or nutation , is in the same direction as that of the hands of a clock more frequently it is in the opposite direction , as of a clock hand moving backwards . the result of this movement is that if the shoot encounters , say , an upright stem , it will lap round it in a spiral manner , and unless the said stem be quite smooth and unbranched , the twining shoot will be eventually supported by it . how effective the twining habit is as regards economy of building material may be seen from comparing the weight of the stem of a hop with that of some tall herbaceous plant of the same altitude , and bearing an equal weight of leaves and flowers . the tendril climbers are still more efficient , for they avoid the increased length of stem which arises from a twining habit . they grow straight up towards the light . both the top of the growing shoot and the spreading tendrils which arise from it are continuously revolving in search of a support . when a tendril encounters one the contact produces a stimulus which results in the tendril taking several close turns round the support . nor does the action stop there , for usually the lower unattached portion of the tendril contracts into a spiral , drawing the stem closer to the support , and woody growth ensues , by which the tendril becomes exceedingly tough , often stronger than the stem itself . one other point concerning climbers may be noted . did they exhibit in a marked degree that bending towards the light which is characteristic of most plants , they would often defeat their own object , as they would grow away from possible supports . but they grow boldly up into an overhanging canopy , apparently confident of their power to ascend into the light and air which exist above . in the root climbers, , such as the ivy , this bending away from the light is very marked the stem presses closely to the bark or stone on which it creeps , probing every cranny , and the numerous rootlets by which it is attached are developed only on the dark side . but when the plant is old enough to flower , then branches devoid of roots grow out towards the light , so that the blossoms may be borne in the open , where they may be seen and visited by the numerous insects which , in their search for nectar , pollinate them . in contrast to the extreme development in length found in the stems of climbing plants the extreme reduction of stem found in many plants of dry places may be referred to . the crocus , for instance , has an abbreviated upright stem of which each years growth is distended for the storage of food one years growth dies away as the next enlarges , so that the well known bulb like corm is produced . compare the roots  the stem  montbretia , in which the annual growths remain , the result being a knobby structure like a string of onions . in bulbs reduction in length is carried still farther , the stem forming a broad cone from the surface of which spring a number of modified leaves , forming fleshy scales swollen with food material these surround and protect the bud , which when it grows produces green leaves and a terminal flower shoot growth is continued by axillary scale leaved shoots situated among the scale leaves , which in due course themselves produce green leaves and flowers . these compact food charged stems take up their position well below the ground , out of reach of intense heat or drought , and during the favourable season send up rapidly into the air their leaves and flowers , after which they remain dormant till the following year . it has been seen that unless a plant is a parasite or saprophyte , using as food ready made organic material , it is necessary that it should possess a sufficient expanse of green tissue for the purpose of assimilation . this is the essential function of the leaves but before leaving the study of stems it should be pointed out that they usually assist , and sometimes entirely replace , the leaves as organs of food manufacture . we have seen how in dry places  physically dry , from direct scarcity of water , or physiologically dry , owing to reduced activity on the part of the plant due to unfavourable conditions , such as obtain in cold regions , or on poisoned ground like salt marshes or bogs  surface tends to be reduced , to avoid excessive loss of water . in such plants as the cacti , and the euphorbias which so closely mimic the cactus form , this reduction is carried to its limit . leaves are absent , and the stems , greatly swollen so as to store water , take up the process of assimilation , and perform it satisfactorily . in more rapid growing plants , a sufficient area for assimilation may be obtained by abundant branching , as in the gorse , in which leaves are present only in the seedling stage . in the brooms the leaf development is often weak , but the stems sometimes make up for this by bearing green flattened wings . in the spanish broom a straggling shrub inhabiting dry places in south west europe , the few ovate hairy leaves , produced in spring , soon fall but the slender branches bear several broad green wings , which act as leaves , and persist for a couple of years , when they pass away , leaving slender , round , brown stems . in our native broom sarothamnus scoparius a similar modification may be observed , though of less degree . sometimes stem structures assume a very leaf like form , as in the butchers broom where the ultimate branches are ovate and quite flat , and might be taken for true leaves but for the fact that they bear on their surface flowers , and subsequently berries . the leaves themselves are in this plant reduced to minute scales , and from their axils these flattened branches spring . in fact , where leaf reduction takes place , the process of assimilation is often shared in varying degree by the leaves , the stipules , and the stems . among our native plants , as , for instance , in the leguminos and rosace , the reader may find for himself many interesting examples for examination . but the large majority of the seed plants bear well developed leaves , to which the process of assimilation is practically confined . leaves vary surprisingly in size , shape , and arrangement , features which are closely related to the characters of the stems which bear them , the object being the most advantageous display of the chlorophyll in relation to the light supply . in general they naturally take the form of a broad thin blade , protected as may be necessary against extremes of weather , and guarded against the obvious danger of being dried up by a thin waterproof covering or cuticle outside the epidermal layer of cells . in leaves we find the same beauty of mechanical construction as is seen in stems . the problem is again that of securing maximum efficiency with minimum expenditure of material . to give as great a surface as possible , the leaves are as broad and thin as is consistent with safety , the question of damage by wind being an important controlling factor . the veins , or vascular bundles , act efficiently as strengtheners of the thin surface to prevent tearing at the leaf edges the veins are often looped along the margin while in indented leaves the extremities of the indentations are strengthened with special tissue . when one surface of the leaf faces the sky , as in most cases it does , this surface is strengthened against the weather , and the stomata are arranged mostly on the lower surface . where occasionally the leaves hang normally in a vertical position , as do the mature leaves of the gum trees both sides are protected , and the stomata are borne on the two faces equally . in the water lily , again , whose leaves float , the upper face , which alone is exposed to the air , bears the stomata , which are present in unusual numbers  to the square inch the leaf surface is toughened to resist rain and wind , and waxy to prevent water from lying on it and so interfering with transpiration . the presence or absence of a leaf stalk, , again , is often clearly related to the light question . in the water lilies the continued lengthening of the elongated petiole causes the older leaves to float clear outside of the younger ones . in many biennial herbs , where food is stored up during the first season in preparation for the flowering effort in the second , a similar arrangement prevails  the leaf rosettes displayed by spear thistle and herb robert as also especially in winter by perennials like the dandelion and ribwort . where stems spread horizontally , as the lower branches of trees , the leaves are arranged more or less in one plane , in such a manner that overlapping is reduced to a minimum fig .  . this is well seen in horizontal branches of the elm and other familiar trees . in the plant chosen for illustration azara microphylla , a chilian shrub , an interesting arrangement obtains . one of the pair of stipules which subtends each leaf is itself leaf like, , and stands at an angle , so that a mosaic is formed of true leaves the larger ones and stipules . on all stems the leaves are arranged not at haphazard , but according to definite rules . sometimes they are grouped in circles at certain points of the stem , as in the bedstraws often in opposite pairs , arranged criss cross, , as in the sycamore most frequently in a series of spirals . the result in all cases is the same  allows of as great an interval as possible between any leaf and the one immediately below or above it , and gives to all an equal share of light . the indenting of leaves , as in the sycamore , or their division into separate segments , as in the ash and horse chestnut , is of undoubted advantage as allowing light to pass through to lower layers of leaves it also materially diminishes the danger arising from excessive wind pressure . in the former case there is often a wide space between the divisions of the leaf but where this is not required , the parts of the leaf fit closely together , to secure a maximum of surface . a particularly pretty example is seen in the chilian shrub weinmannia trichosperma . here , to avoid the loss of the area between the leaflets , the mid rib steps in , developing triangular wings which fill the spaces . it might be objected that the plant might have saved itself much trouble by producing , while it was about it , a simple undivided leaf covering the whole area . it is difficult to answer such suggestions . probably the present form of the leaf best meets the conditions of wind , rain , and light under which it lives . possibly its present form is bound up with its ancestral history . it must be acknowledged , says d . h . scott , that nothing is more difficult than to find out why one plant equips itself for the struggle with one device and another attains the same end in quite a different way . during cold and tempestuous weather the presence of leaves may be a danger to the plant rather than a help and where seasonal variations are such that strongly contrasted periods of favourable and unfavourable weather occur , such as the summer and winter of our own climate , many plants have adopted the device of shedding all their leaves this is especially characteristic of the largest plants which would naturally suffer most from unfavourable weather . the fall of the leaf is accomplished by means of the formation of a transverse layer of corky tissue across the base of the leaf stalk, , combined with a weakening of the layer of cells immediately above . prior to the perfecting of these arrangements for dropping the leaf , all the useful materials in it are withdrawn down the stem , so that only an empty skeleton is shed the scar that remains is not an open wound , but is well protected by the corky layer before mentioned . stipules and bracts need not delay us in this sketchy survey of plant organs . they are leaves , generally of rather small size , placed , the former one on either side of the point where a leaf stalk emerges from the stem , the latter singly below a flower they are present in some plants , absent from others . they function in the same way as ordinary leaves , and in the earlier stages of growth are of use protectively . occasionally the stipules exceed or even replace the leaves , as in the native lathyrus aphaca , where the leaf is reduced to a tendril , and the pairs of broad leaves are really the stipules . the bracts , in their turn , sometimes take on the advertisement function of the petals , as we have already seen in the case of certain euphorbias . the leaves of water plants offer several points of interest . where they are entirely submerged , and , protected against the drying influence of wind and sun , they are of filmy texture . broad blades are seldom met with , the leaves being usually either finely dissected or strap shaped . the floating leaf , on the contrary , as already described in the water lily , is strongly built up , to withstand wave action and rain it is usually broad and entire , which simplifies the illustration fig .  . succession of leaves of mature plant of arrow head .  . problem of avoiding submergence and the stomata are confined to the upper side , which alone is in contact with the atmosphere . those water plants which raise their leaves into the air , on the other hand , have leaves of a variety of shapes , which in most respects approach those of land plants . an interesting progression of leaves illustrating all three stages may be watched in spring in the arrow head sagittaria sagittifolia . the first leaves produced are entirely submerged , and conform to the usual ribbon shape and delicate texture . those which follow float on the surface . in them the lower part is contracted into a flaccid winged petiole , the upper part being expanded into an oblong floating blade with a waxy surface to keep the leaf dry on the upper side . these in turn give way to the characteristic aerial arrow shaped leaves of summer , which approach in character the leaves of land plants , and are borne on stout , stiff petioles capable of resisting wind and wave . coming now to flowers , it is possible here to refer only to a few macroscopic or naked eye characters and modifications the full study of the flower and its essential functions being a matter for the laboratory and the high power microscope , as very minute structures are involved . as briefly described in chapter iv . flowers are groups of modified leaves arranged mostly very close together at the ends of branches , the tip of the shoot being often expanded into a receptacle for the accommodation of the crowded floral leaves . just as the foliage leaves have become modified to carry on to the best advantage the process of assimilation , so the different series of floral leaves are specially adapted to their several functions . the sepals , which compose the calyx , having usually a protective rle , in most cases enclose the young flower with a tough envelope they usually retain their primitive green colour , and take part in the process of assimilation . they may drop off as the flower opens or wither as the petals wither , or remain fresh until the fruit is ripe . sometimes , as in many ranunculace they take on the advertising rle usually assigned to the petals , being large and coloured , while the petals themselves are minute . in the monocotyledons they usually join with the petals in adorning the flower . the next whorl , lying inside the sepals , is formed of petals , constituting the corolla . the connection of colour and form of petals with the visits of insects , and their relative insignificance in wind pollinated flowers , has already been referred to . the marvellous variety of colour and form observable in the corolla has for its main object the attracting of insects to the flower . the petals have departed much farther from the ordinary leaf form than the sepals . they assume brilliant hues of every tint , the pigment being due either to colouring matter dissolved in the cell sap or to small coloured solid bodies contained in the cells reds and yellows . chlorophyll being absent , the coloured petals do not assist assimilation they are purely advertisements , though incidentally they often fulfil a useful protective rle for the important organs which they surround . in this latter connection their sensitiveness to changes of light and temperature , which causes them to close in dark or cold weather , is a very familiar phenomenon as is also the excellent protection which they provide in flowers such as those of the labiat , where , fused together into a tube , they form a kind of cave in which the stamens and pistil nestle securely . an exceptional use of petals , where indeed they are used for the purposes of advertisement , but to secure the dispersal not of the pollen , but of the seeds , is illustrated in fig .  . in the genus coriaria the staminate and pistillate organs are borne on separate flowers . the flowers of both kinds are small and inconspicuous . but in the female flowers the petals persist after flowering , and , becoming fleshy and comparatively large , enclose the seed in a pulpy berry like envelope , which no doubt serves the same purpose as a true berry in securing seed dispersal by being devoured by birds . in c . terminalis , which comes from the himalayas , the ripe corolla is bright orange in c . japonica , from japan , it is at first coral red, , and when mature velvet black . the stamens , which form the next ring sometimes a double ring or a close spiral , are much less leaf like than the sepals or petals , yet there can be no doubt that they are descended from leaf shaped organs this is especially clear from the study of certain primitive fossil types , in which the corresponding organs which bear the pollen are actually leaf like . in most of the present day seed plants the stamens conform to a uniform type  slender stalk bearing a head containing four chambers , in which are produced pollen grains , which escape when the flower is mature by the splitting of the enclosing walls . the ways in which the pollen is then conveyed to the pistil of other flowers have been referred to briefly on a previous page . the stamens in many flowers are few , and their number usually bears a relation to the number of the other floral parts in other flowers , for instance rose and st . johns wort they are of large and indefinite number . the peculiar arrangement of the pollen in orchids has been already noted . the final ring of modified leaves in our typical flower constitutes the pistil , formed of one or many carpels , the essential structure of which has been touched on already . in the present place it is desired only to point out some of the leading modifications which the pistil undergoes , so that its structure as seen by the naked eye may be understood . in the simpler forms of carpel , the affinity to leaves is still evident , though in forms of pistil made up of a number of carpels this may be very difficult to trace . with the pea , for instance , we may begin , as presenting a very simple example . take an oblong leaf like that of a laurel , and fold it down the mid rib till the two edges are in contact . there is our pea pod complete . the young seeds , or ovules , are borne in a row along the mid rib , a very usual arrangement . examine next the young fruit of a columbine . here there is a group of five separate erect carpels , but each is essentially like a pea pod in structure . compare the fruit of a saxifrage . this clearly consists of two carpels which are grown together save at the tips , where the two styles stand out like little horns . from this we may go on to other pistils in which several carpels are completely fused together . next , the compact body thus formed may be sunk down in the expanded top of the stem . or the other parts of the flower  , petals , stamens  in their lower part be fused with the walls of the pistil , and may thus appear to spring from the top of it . in such cases the structure of the flower may easily be wrongly interpreted , and reference to a work on systematic botany is necessary if pitfalls are to be avoided . it is indeed to be noted that in flowers , as in other parts of plants , complicated structure or multiplication of parts is not necessarily an indication of advanced evolution on the contrary , it is often indicative of a primitive condition . just as in machinery or in organized human effort simplification often accompanies improvement , so it is with plant structures . many of the more primitive types of flowers , such as buttercups or water lilies , have a multitude of petals or stamens or carpels , while in many of the most specialized , such as composites or campanulas , the number of parts is much reduced . the primitive wind pollinated flowers produce large quantities of pollen in those which have adopted the improved method of utilizing insects , the amount of pollen is much less in the highly specialized orchids , a most successful group , the pollen is reduced to two small bundles . once the act of pollination is effected , the duty of the petals and stamens is finished , and they generally fade . the sepals often remain , as in the rose . by the growth of the pollen tube from the stigma into the ovary , fertilization is effected , and mature seed is produced . the fruit  is , the seed and its coverings or appendages  the most varied forms of any of the plant organs  hazel , strawberry , pea , apple , cranesbill , dandelion the variety is endless . many of these forms are connected with the means by which seed dispersal is effected this subject has been touched on in chapter iii . but in numerous instances we can no more assign a reason for their beautiful or fantastic forms than we can account for the infinite variety of shape assumed by leaves and flowers . summing up , then , what has been sketched in this chapter , we must think of our plant as a very complicated and wonderful machine , of which the terrestrial seed plant is the highest expression . water is the basis on which its activities are founded  currency in which all business is transacted . the amount of water contained in a growing plant is seldom realized . even solid timber , when growing , is half wood , half water . a fresh lettuce loses per cent . of its weight if the water is driven off by drying . living in an aerial medium which tends to deprive it of moisture continually , and which furnishes water to the soil only intermittently in the form of rain , and often in sparing quantity , the plant envelops itself from end to end of its exposed portions in a waterproof cuticle the only openings in its surface layer are the spongy tips of the root hairs on the one hand , and in the stomata on the other . these minutest of openings  small that the number on a square inch of leaf surface often far exceeds a hundred thousand  prove danger points were they not most jealously watched over . but each is provided with a pair of guard cells ready to close the opening at any moment and where drought threatens , the whole of the stomata are found in concealed positions . an ample pipe system extends from root , through stem , to leaf , but it does not communicate directly with the openings at either end . all material , whether liquid or gaseous , absorbed or given out , has to run the gauntlet of the living cells , which are jealous watchmen , and allow only selected substances to pass through them . the crude building materials and food materials are assembled in the leaves , where in cells spread out to the light the chlorophyll is massed . under the microscope , the chlorophyll is seen to be located in minute granules embedded in the semifluid contents of the cells . well may we gaze in wonder at these tiny green specks . each is so small that although a couple of hundred of them are often present in each cell , they occupy but a very small proportion of its volume . the cells themselves are of microscopic size . the chlorophyll itself occupies only quite a small portion of the corpuscle in which it is immersed yet on its activity as spread in this infinitesimal quantity through the leaves the whole organic world , animal as well as vegetable , depends . utilizing the energy which comes through space from the sun , it builds up organic compounds from the energy thus stored comes all the varied life and vital movement which fill our world  opening of flowers , the hum of insects , the march of armies , and our own restless thought while its work in the distant past , laid by in coal and oil , warms our houses and drives our trains , factories , and steamships . the work of the living chlorophyll accomplished , the food materials produced by its agency are sent by the pipe system to all parts of the plant , for present use , or to be stored in root , stem , or leaf for future requirements . nor is our plant the passive , motionless thing that it may appear to be in comparison with animals and their larger movements . active motion , local and general , though usually of relatively small amount , accompanies all plant growth . throughout root , stem , leaf , and flower transference of material is going forward vigorously . the root hairs and stomata are working at high pressure the chlorophyll never ceases its activities while daylight lasts . externally , the growing branches , leaves , and flowers also display incessant movement , sweeping the air in small circles , or in the case of climbing plants in curves of considerable amplitude . alterations of illumination or of temperature produce other movement  towards or away from light , the drooping of leaves and closing of flowers at nightfall , and so on . all these phenomena of growth and movement culminate in the production of flowers , and in the remarkable developments by which , through the agency of pollen and ovule , a new generation is produced . chapter vi plants and man the appearance of man upon the earth is an event of very recent occurrence , not only in terrestrial history , but in the history of organic life in the world . in the life story which began somewhere in far pre cambrian times , the record of the whole of human activities occupies but the last paragraph of the last chapter . for millions of years  since the larger animals first abandoned the aquatic haunts of their ancestors and took to a terrestrial life  great and small , of myriad kinds , including huge reptiles and amphibians , and later on a crowd of birds and mammals , have fed on land plants , without effecting any profound changes in the appearance of the mantle of vegetation which covered so much of the earths surface . it has been left for the human race , in the course of the few thousand years that have elapsed since it emerged from an existence comparable to that of the beasts and birds , and learned the arts of peace and war , to effect such sweeping changes in terrestrial vegetation over wide areas , that its influence in this respect requires a separate chapter for its consideration . the changes referred to are largely  by no means wholly  to the requirements of the art of husbandry and to the history of agriculture we may look for information as to the time and place and nature of mans conquest of the surface of the globe . at the period of the earliest human civilizations , such as those of egypt and mesopotamia , the domestication of plants and animals had already reached an advanced stage . its origin lies far behind the historic period . we can picture in imagination the time when in all inhabited parts of the globe man wandered with no fixed abode , seeking food when he was hungry , and making no provision for the morrow . residence in a spot which afforded a valued supply of food , such as an abundance of buckwheat or millet or dates or bread fruit, , might lead to a desire to encourage the growth of such useful plants by protecting them and their offspring following on which might arise the practice of assisting their growth , and thus eventually of cultivating them . selection of the most productive strains would gradually follow , and barter would cause the spread of useful plants over wider and wider areas . we can picture development from such rude beginnings into the regular cultivation of the soil and the enclosing of the cultivated areas for their protection . it is clear that such practices would not readily arise among nomadic tribes , nor among those inhabiting forest regions where the ground was densely covered by trees . an abundance of animal food would produce a race of hunters rather than of tillers of the soil and as for forest regions , they are unsuitable for human development forest races have never been pioneers of civilization . before agriculture  , before civilization in any form  make much progress , a settled life was necessary , free from migrations in search of food or for the avoidance of enemies . hence the earliest civilizations tended to arise in areas which were protected by natural ramparts from the irruption of rival tribes . egypt had the desert on three sides , and the sea  impassable barrier to early peoples  the fourth . the valleys of the euphrates and tigris presented similar features . in both areas rich alluvial soil offered a full reward to attempts at agriculture , and the alternation of summer and winter encouraged the making of provision for the non productive period by the taking advantage of the period of growth conditions not present under the endless summer skies of tropical lands , where an easy and perennial food supply tended against the development of industry . the basin of the mediterranean  cradle of the earlier western civilizations from the time of egypt down to rome  , then , also the cradle of european agriculture . these lands , with their wet winters and dry summers , the latter inimical to the development of tree growth , lent themselves to cultivation more readily than the great forest belt which lay to the northward , sweeping across europe from britain to the urals . although there is clear evidence that grain was cultivated in europe as far back as the neolithic period it seems established that when roman agriculture stood at its perfection the peoples to the north were still mainly nomads , dependent for their food supply on their flocks or on the chase . in britain , csar found corn grown in southern england , but the centre and north were largely forest land tenanted by tribes living on flesh and milk , and clothed in skins . the vigorous colonization of the romans may well have been accountable for the introduction into britain of many of the farm plants still grown there . the wars of the next fifteen hundred years on the one hand , and the spread of agriculture on the other , caused the steady destruction of the forests , till at length england and central europe began to assume their present appearance . the draining of marshes and fens , the enclosing of land , went on steadily , and to a slight extent is going on still within recent years , the european war has resulted in the disappearance of many of the remaining woods , and in the breaking up of fresh land . from the point of view of the botanist , agriculture consists of the destruction of the plant associations which for some thousands of years have occupied the ground , and their replacement by other plants which are useful to man . the natural plant associations being the result of the survival of the fittest through a long period of time , while the farmers crops represent plants which do not grow naturally on the ground , nor often indeed in the country while they are frequently artificial forms unable to reproduce themselves , it follows that the latter cannot compete with the former , and can be maintained only by the most careful protection . the native plants are always striving to reoccupy their legitimate territory , and the farmer is incessantly engaged in trying to keep them out . agriculture , indeed , has been defined as a controversy with weeds . incidentally , the suppression of the natural flora allows many weaker plants an opportunity of which they are not slow to take advantage . these may be natives , but are often annuals which have followed the spread of farming operations , or which are directly  unintentionally  by man as impurities in the seed which he sows . let us look a little more closely into the question of profit and loss in our flora resulting from agriculture . in the first place , whether the ground is tilled or grazed , the woodland which primitively occupied so much of it disappears . the plough and the scythe are fatal to all seedling trees . little less fatal is the browsing of cattle and sheep , and even in rough pasture only thorny plants like whitethorn and gorse may be found battling successfully for a lodgment . where woodland is used for pasturage , the delicate shade plants  , wild hyacinths , primroses  die out . no young trees appear on the grazed surface , though hundreds of thousands of seeds may be shed annually over the ground . in the course of time the present trees will die , and only grass remain . how different is it where cattle are excluded and the scythe unused . among the grass young trees spring up everywhere , and in the woods a dense undergrowth of saplings sheltering a varied shade flora makes its appearance regeneration of the natural woodland proceeds apace . natural grasslands , if undisturbed , possess a flora which has been built up during a long period of time , and which , like all purely natural plant associations , represents a delicate balance between its many constituents , which often include rare and shy species . if such land be once broken up , its flora will probably never again resume its former composition even if allowed to regenerate during a long series of years , for the alteration in the old substratum caused by its being turned over and mixed introduces new edaphic conditions which will not entirely pass away . as regards grazing , likewise , when land is pastured up to or near its full capacity , as is generally the case on enclosed areas , the weaker and often more interesting members of the flora tend to disappear . in primitive times all grasslands had , of course , their natural grazing inhabitants  our islands deer of more than one species , sheep , and smaller creatures such as rabbits and geese  so a total exclusion of grazing animals now would no more tend to reproduce exactly the flora of pre husbandry days than does the excess of herbivores but the present heavy stocking of the land is to be deplored by the botanist , even as it is rejoiced in by the economist . the more vigorous plants , and especially those which propagate themselves largely by vegetative means , survive , or even increase owing to the augmented food supplied by the manure which the animals provide but many species fail to ripen seed , being either eaten or trampled the rarer orchids , strange ferns like the adders tongue ophioglossum vulgatum , and moonwort and the other choicer denizens of the grasslands , tend to disappear . drainage is an obvious cause of loss to our flora . whole lakes and areas of swamp , with their peculiar and to a great extent natural flora , have disappeared from parts of the country . some of the most interesting marsh plants of the british flora  as the two fine ragweeds , senecio palustris and s . paludosus , and the marsh sow thistle on this account almost vanished from our islands , like the bittern and great bustard which are their companions . some lakes , again , have been ruined for the botanist by being used as reservoirs . the considerable changes of level which this involves is a thing to which plants are not adapted , and only a few can withstand it , such as the water bistort and the shore weed which are equally at home on land or in water , being able to change rapidly their structure and mode of life to suit change of environment . as compared with a lakelet with a natural outlet , a dam with a sluice has always a much reduced and usually quite uninteresting flora . the proximity of a large town , especially if it is a centre of manufacture , is a notorious factor in the reduction of the native flora not only by the thoughtless and wanton destruction carried out by its inhabitants , but more subtly by the deposition of soot , and by the poisoning of the air by sulphurous and acid fumes . the higher cryptogams , such as mosses and hepatics , are particularly susceptible in this respect , and vanish along with the more delicate seed plants . mining centres are specially destructive of plant life , since , in addition to other drawbacks , the soil is often buried under masses of excavated material containing poisonous substances . if there is a purgatory for plants , it is surely found in such areas . other examples of the multitudinous ways in which human activities disturb and destroy native plant life will occur to the reader  burning of moors in order to improve them as pasturage in recent years the tarring of roads , which kills the pleasant wayside herbage and poisons the streams into which the road drainage is carried and so on . the indictment is an overwhelming one , and , as said in the first chapter , the flora is now everywhere so altered that we can gain some idea of its original aspect only by a study of isolated fragments and much adulterated samples . but if the debit side of the account , as presented by the lover of nature , is heavy , it must not be forgotten that there are many items to mans credit . though our countrys vegetation has lost in scientific interest , it has gained vastly in both economic and sthetic value by the introduction of useful and ornamental plants from all the temperate regions of the world and besides , a large number of species have followed in mans footsteps , and , taking advantage of the disturbance of the native flora caused by his operations , endeavour with more or less success to establish a footing in the country . before we trespass on the domains of arboriculture , horticulture , or agriculture , under which heads the cultivation of useful or ornamental plants divides itself , some consideration is required of those plants which , quasi wild, , are usually included in accounts of the vegetation under the head of aliens , denizens , colonists , and so forth . these constitute a quite considerable proportion of the total number of species found in any area which has felt the influence of man . for instance , in the county of dublin , which , owing to its diversified surface  , sands , moorland , woodland , and cultivation  its favourable climate  warmest and driest in the country  the largest flora of any similar area square miles in ireland , the list of about wild plants includes some or over one fifth of the whole , whose presence is attributable , directly or indirectly , to human activities . we may compare these figures with those drawn from a study of the flora of kent , which faces across the channel towards france just as county dublin faces across the irish sea towards england both are areas of early settlement and both lie in the main stream of traffic . in kent we have to deal with a larger area and a larger flora . we find that , of these species , or about one eighth, , are set down as owing their presence to man . and so it is in all the more populous and highly tilled parts of our islands . this question of alien plants , their past history and present standing , is one of the most puzzling with which the student of our flora has to deal . in the first place , most of them have been in the country for a long time , and the record of their introduction is lost . next , while many of them are confined to ground disturbed by man , and thus clearly exist under mans protection  unwillingly that protection may be afforded  have mixed with the indigenous flora , won a place in the closed native vegetation , and might be ranked as true natives were it not that a study of their general distribution raises doubts as to the possibility of their having arrived in our islands unaided  which their known occurrence in gardens tends to confirm . take the case of the yellow monkey flower . this has quite established itself in our native flora , in some places ascending mountain streams far into the hills , in others mingling with the rank flora of muddy estuaries . it looks as aboriginal as any of the plants among which it grows but the facts that the genus to which it belongs is american that it itself is found native in the western states and not in the eastern , and that it has been long cultivated in gardens , furnish convincing proof that it is really an alien . but it is seldom that the evidence is so satisfactory as in this case . more usually the range of the doubtful members of the flora is continuous , extending from regions where they are truly native to others where they are undoubtedly exotic . for instance , many annual plants of the mediterranean region have followed the spread of agriculture across the former forest areas of central and western europe into our own islands . plants native in france have been transported into england , and english natives into ireland east irish plants have spread westward  years ago , save for a single record of p . hybridum , papaver dubium was the only poppy known west of the shannon now all four british species occur , several of them in many places . the flora of europe , as pointed out already , diminishes in variety as we pass westward into the outlying areas . those species whose aboriginal distribution stopped short of the western limit of the land had no doubt a fluctuating western or northern or southern boundary to their range , dependent on temporary conditions . thus , a hard winter might kill back a plant already at the limit of its natural range , or a warm summer , by ripening abundance of its seed , might result in its slight advance . the general effect of human operations has been to lessen competition and increase suitable habitats by the destruction of the native vegetation which occupied them , and this has resulted in a general advance of a large number of species . what renders the study of this advance so difficult is the fact that on all disturbed land the truly native plants which have been ousted are striving side by side with the immigrants to regain their former territories and it is now often very difficult to disentangle them to separate the sheep from the goats . if only we could have had a watsons topographical botany written five thousand years ago , before our restless race began to mess up the vegetation . however , as has been said , what we have lost on one side we have gained on another . on every side bright immigrants meet the eye . our old buildings and quarries often blaze with the red valerian kentranthus ruber and wallflower in fields poppies of various kinds , corn cockle and corn blue bottle add a glory to the rich green or gold of the cereals dry banks and gravelly places are decorated with species of melilot chamomile knapweed and many others . the flora of harbours and docksides is often as cosmopolitan as the sailors of the ships by whose agency it came there and the unfamiliar weeds  gipsies and tramps of the plant world  we encounter on roadsides , rubbish heaps, , and railway stations lend an additional interest to our botanical rambles . turning now to the plants which are used by man , it may be pointed out in the first place that the human race obtains much more , whether of profit or of pleasure , from the vegetable than from the animal kingdom . flesh , whether derived from mammals , birds , or fishes wool , silk , leather , oils , and so on , bulk much less than the grains , vegetables , fruits , timber , fibres , fodder plants , and other vegetable products which we use in our daily life . on the sthetic side , again , while the beauty of birds and insects is a source of frequent delight , flowers play a part in daily life that the more delicate and sensitive animals can never do . again , in the number of different species used , whether for profit or pleasure , the plant world takes precedence . this is especially the case as regards our farms and pleasure grounds , plants lending themselves much more readily to domestication than animals do . and so a suburban house may have a hundred or a thousand different plants in kitchen garden and flower plot , orchard , and shrubbery , while its animal dependents consist of a horse , a couple of dogs , a cat , some fowl , and a canary . so again a botanic garden may easily possess as many thousands of different species as a zoological garden contains hundreds . this army of plants which human beings collect about themselves may be grouped under two categories  and ornamental . on a previous page a suggestion has been made as to how the cultivation of useful plants may have arisen . as now practised , this industry is the largest in the world , and with the growth of means of transport has ceased to be only or even mainly of local importance we use every day wheat from australia , rice from china , tea from india , cotton from the united states , timber from norway . in some cases , as in the last , these materials are harvested as they occur in the wild state , but in the majority of instances the plants are not merely conserved , but cultivated cultivation has led to selection of the best varieties and continued selection has resulted in the production of forms often very different in appearance from the wild plants from which they originated . we cannot create new forms but by taking advantage of the innate tendency to vary which all plants display  to a much greater degree than others  by raising , generation after generation , the seeds of those individuals in which a certain abnormal feature is best displayed , we can produce an artificial race in which the selected character may be developed to an extraordinary degree . but we have not by this means produced a new species . seedlings of such plants will tend to throw back towards the original form we can preserve or improve the special characters only by continued selection if allowed to grow and seed unchecked , most of such plants will revert to the natural type in a few generations . often this reversion is so rapid that seeds are useless for cultural purposes , and it is only by cuttings or graftings  is , by growing parts of the original possessor of the required characters  constancy can be maintained this is what is usually done in the case of fruit trees, , roses , pansies , and so on . equally efficient in the hands of the cultivator has been another method of producing new forms  , hybridization . if the pollen of a plant be transferred to the stigma of a related species , offspring is often produced and the product is a batch of plants intermediate in characters between the two parents , and generally uniform in appearance . should these be crossed again , a heterogeneous offspring is the result , displaying a variety of characters inherited from one or other original parent . the crossing of varieties , native or cultivated , has the same result . hybrids occur in nature , but not very frequently . insects visiting flowers are well known to confine their attention to a great extent to one species at a time , so as agents of hybridization they are not efficient . again , many hybrids do not produce fertile seed , so that if they arise by natural means they are not perpetuated . in the garden , hybridizing has been resorted to largely but its practice is not so ancient as the method of producing improved breeds by selection . the cultivation of specially selected forms is certainly of remote origin , and probably goes back to the earliest days of agriculture of early date , too , is the introduction into regions where they do not occur naturally of plants desirable for their use or beauty . the records of the cultivation of the vine , for instance , go back for five or six thousand years in egypt . two thousand years ago pliny writes that ninety one principal forms could be reckoned in his day , though the varieties are very nearly as numberless as the districts in which they grow . theophrastus , three hundred years earlier , discourses learnedly of the different kinds of cultivated figs , etc . and their superiority over the wild kinds . these and other authors make frequent mention of plants introduced into greece or italy from the east for their usefulness or their pleasing qualities . nowadays , the number of species cultivated , the innumerable forms of these which are grown , and the wide distribution which these forms have attained , have resulted in the cultivated flora of a country like england being , so far as the higher plants are concerned , much larger than the native flora , even when all the plants which are grown under glass are left out of consideration . in the case of plants of economic importance , the usual aim of selection has been increase of size or productiveness of the parts which are useful . in some instances selection has taken several directions inside the limits of a single species , as in the forms of cabbage , which are all the offspring of brassica oleracea a seaside plant of western and southern europe , and are mostly creations of comparatively recent date . the cauliflower has been produced by increasing the size of the inflorescence white cabbage by promoting leaf production brussels sprouts by encouraging the development of axillary shoots while a form with a tall and woody stem is made into walking sticks . more often we find a species developed along a single line . for instance , the tendency to store food materials in a fleshy taproot has been developed in the case of turnip , beet , carrot the fleshy scale leaves which form bulbs have been exploited in the case of the onion increased stem growth is promoted in asparagus increased leaf growth in spinach and lettuce while by the development of seeds and fruits of many kinds artificial selection has supplied us with the foods on which the human race mainly subsists . the most important of all these last are , of course , the different grains , which are the seeds of grasses of various genera  hordeum secale avena panicum oryza zea . the value of these to the human race is incalculable , and some of them have been in cultivation for at least five thousand years . in some of them , indeed , the native form is now unknown , the improved varieties alone having been preserved by the care of man . the wheats are a case in point . while a wild grass growing in palestine has been quite recently identified as the probable source of the hard wheats , the native parent of the soft wheats is unknown . that productiveness has in all cases been much increased by long selection there can be no doubt it may be pointed out that several species of triticum , hordeum , and avena , allies of the wheat , barley , and oat , are included in the native british flora , but they are useless as producers of grain . nowhere is the effect on plants of selection and cultivation seen better than in our native fruit trees . we have only to compare the size , flavour , and almost endless variety of apples and pears with the fruit of the wild stock of these two species  crab and wild pear of our hedgerows  realize how much has been accomplished . in garden flowers , also , we see most striking results of continuous selection . by taking advantage of the tendency of stamens and carpels to change occasionally into petals , and of petals to increase in number , double flowers have been effected . when doubling is complete  is , when the conversion into petals is thorough  seed can of course be produced , and the plants must be propagated by cuttings . different other slight natural variations , exaggerated by selection and cultivation , have been the source of innumerable varieties in our gardens . sometimes the natural variation is by no means slight , but of a striking character which the efforts of gardeners have not succeeded in developing further . take , for instance , the case of fastigiate trees , such as the lombardy poplar or the irish yew . these are freaks or sports , the character being that all the branches , not only the leader , tend to assume a vertical position . the irish yew originated as a wild female seedling found on the hills of co . fermanagh about and never rediscovered . it appears to be a juvenile form , preserving throughout life its seedling characters  kind of peter pan among plants . of the lombardy poplar the origin is not known , but it was no doubt similar . seedlings of the irish yew revert to the ordinary type , and all the irish yews in cultivation are pieces of the original plant grown as cuttings . poplars , like the yew , bear the male and female flowers on different trees , and the original lombardy poplar having been a male it also can be propagated only by cuttings  seedlings would in any case revert to the usual form . the reverse of this abnormal erect habit is seen in weeping trees , where the branches for unexplained reasons seek to grow downward . in nature this results in a creeping habit . if planted on a height the branches will deliberately grow downwards towards the ground . cultivators graft such forms on the top of a tall stem of a normal specimen , with the result that we see in the weeping ash and similar gardeners productions . another large group of casual abnormalities is concerned with the colour of leaves . the purple beech is a case in point . it was not produced by selection , but arose naturally , no doubt as a chance seedling . in this instance the character is usually passed on to the offspring , most seedlings having similar purple leaves , though some individuals are green . the peculiar colour is due in this case to a pigment in the epidermis of the leaf the green chlorophyll is duly present , though its colour is masked by the purple leaf skin . to a different category belong the gold and silver variegations which are so much exploited in shrubberies and borders and greenhouses . these spots or stripes or tintings of pale colour on the leaves are due to the lack of chlorophyll in the chromatophores sometimes to an absence of the chromatophores themselves and this omission appears to be caused by an enfeebled condition of the plant . variegated plants are weaker than normal ones , and hence do not tend to survive in nature . but gardeners have protected and propagated a large number of them . when the variegation arises , as it often does , on a branch of an otherwise normal plant , it usually is not reproducible from seed , and must be perpetuated by cuttings . but where it happens with seedlings , it is often more or less fixed , and may be reproduced generation after generation , as in the golden elder , golder feather , and the marginal variegated form of winter cress . flower colour is not so fixed as leaf colour , for obvious reasons , the green colour of leaves being due to chlorophyll , which is an absolutely necessary ingredient of the leaf if plant food is to be manufactured whereas flower colour is merely for advertisement , and any pigment can be made to serve . in nature most flowers vary in tint , and some in a marked degree  the little native milkwort which may be blue or purple or white . flowers offer great opportunities , therefore , to the gardener , and by selecting on the one hand and hybridizing on the other every known tint has been reproduced in some blossom . adding to this the variability in size and shape of petals , and the tendency to doubling , the flower in the hands of skilful cultivators has been altered almost beyond recognition . take the roses , for example , with their infinite variety of form and colour . the bulk of them are derived from a dozen wild species , possessing comparatively small single flowers , white , yellow , or red  centifolia , damascena , gallica indica , moschata , odorata , rugosa , wichuriana , with our native arvensis and spinosissima . by selecting for colour , shape , and doubleness , both from the species themselves and from the offspring produced by hybridizing one of these with another , what a wealth of beauty has been developed . more than any other flowers , the roses are the crown and glory of the gardeners art . well has the rose been called the queen of flowers but it owes its royal prerogative to man . nature provided blossoms  , but of no special promise  a tendency to vary , of priceless value human skill and industry have done the rest . chapter vii past and present the dependence of animals upon plants for the food by means of which they continue to inhabit the earth , which was pointed out on a previous page shows that the plant world is older than the animal world but the immense age of both can be appreciated only by a study of stratigraphical geology . the tens of thousands of feet of sedimentary rocks , laid down in slow succession on the floors of ancient seas and lakes , and still reposing layer upon layer , and no less the great gaps in the series produced when , raised into the air , deposition ceased , and thousands of feet of rock were slowly worn away and washed down again into the sea by the action of frost and wind and water , point to periods incalculably remote as measured by the standards which we apply to human history . a few thousands of years measures the span which separates us from the neolithic period but to the geologist a million years is but a convenient unit for expressing , so far as any expression by our time standards is possible , the huge periods with which he has to deal . and even when we get back as far as the oldest fossils will take us , we are still a long way from having reached the epoch when life on the earth originated . as we work backward and study the fossils of older and older rocks , the multitudinous assembly of plants and animals which fill the world to day are replaced by other and more primitive forms , many groups approaching each other and merging in common ancestral types . but still , the very oldest fossil bearing strata contain the remains of organisms already far up the ladder of evolution . the lamp shells pteropods , trilobites , and worms of the ancient cambrian rocks have clearly a long ancestral history . plants are not so abundantly preserved in the rocks as the skeletons and shells of animals , on account of their softer nature but in the oldest known plants it is again clear that we are dealing with forms by no means primordial . it is the more interesting , then , to note that many very lowly forms of life have come down to us from times immensely remote , and are still present on the earth in abundance , swarming in every sea and in every pond , or nestling in damp crevices of the land while higher types of immense antiquity still mingle with the crowd of recent seed plants , some of them forming noble forest trees . of especial interest , taking into account the wide distinction which exists between the higher animals on the one hand and the higher plants on the other , is it to find that there are still in existence organisms which are so much on the border line between these two great groups of living things that they can be referred to one or other only with hesitation , clearly indicating that animal and vegetable life sprang from a common source . take the group known as mycetozoa or myxomycetes . these names alone show the divergent views which men of science have held regarding them , myxomycetes signifying slime fungi, , while mycetozoa means fungus animals . these remarkable organisms , of which over species are found in the british isles , begin life as tiny wind borne spores . under suitable conditions of moisture and heat , the spore swells , its wall cracks , and the contents  tiny globule of protoplasm  out , develop a little tail or flagellum , which by lashing about propels the pear shaped swarm cell through the drop of water in which it began life . the organism feeds by catching bacteria and other minute particles of organic matter , which are conveyed into the interior of the little mass of protoplasm and digested . the swarm cells increase in number by division , and ultimately unite in pairs to form a plasmodium , which may , by union with other plasmodia , eventually attain a quite large size . in this naked protoplasmic mass a very remarkable rhythmic movement is set up , the granular protoplasm of the interior streaming rapidly along certain channels for about minutes , when the motion is reversed and it streams in the opposite direction . the whole mass now creeps about in moist places , usually in the form of a network of branching veins , feeding as it goes , usually on dead vegetable matter . when fully developed the plasmodium creeps out into some more open spot and transforms itself into masses of spores enclosed in spore cases, , which vary much in different genera as regards size , shape , and colour , and are often borne on delicate stalks . when ripe , the spore cases, , or sporangia , open , and the spores are liberated into the air to be dispersed by wind and eventually to begin growth on their own illustration fig .  . myxomycete in fruit . a , natural size b , enlarged . account . this story partakes about equally of incidents characteristic of the life history of the lower animals and of the lower plants . the fruiting stage and the wind dispersal of the spores recall the arrangements familiar in the fungi , and are not matched in any section of the animal kingdom while the creeping plasmodium , devouring food as it goes , is entirely suggestive of animal life , and is not paralleled anywhere in the vegetable kingdom . there is no reason to look on the mycetozoa as a group of animals which have taken on certain plant like characters , any more than as a group of plants which have evolved certain animal characteristics we appear to see in them a very ancient group which has come down to us from a time when plants and animals , as we know them , had not yet become differentiated . among plants , as distinguished generally from animals by the production and abundant use of chlorophyll and of cellulose , we have still existing on the earth a range of forms extending from almost the most primitive organism that we can imagine up to the splendid seed plant , specialized in a hundred ways . every pool , every soil , swarms with bacteria , the lowliest form of life  exceedingly minute , exceedingly simple , and capable of existing under highly diverse conditions both physical and chemical . thence we can trace an irregular ascending scale through the fungi , the alg , mosses , horsetails , ferns , and club mosses, , to the conifers , and on to the highest of the seed plants , which exceed in their beauty of structure and complicated life anything that has gone before them . in fact , as theophrastus says , your plant is a thing various and manifold . and this existing vegetation with its thousand forms is but the present manifestation of the vital activity which has populated the earth during tens of millions of years . the oldest rocks which have been preserved to us in such a condition as to yield remains of plants and animals in a recognizable form are those known as cambrian , the deposition of which occurred at a period which geologists have variously calculated as from , say , to or more millions of years ago . yet even at that immensely remote period , life , both vegetable and animal , was already abundant and diverse , as well as highly organized . as darwin long ago pointed out , the geological record does not go back nearly far enough to allow us any insight into the evolution of the earlier forms of life . below the cambrian rocks , as represented in these islands and in europe generally , with their well developed fauna , are tens of thousands of feet of strata which once , no doubt , were sediments at the bottom of the sea , and later on hardened into slates and sandstones in which were embedded remains of more primitive organisms but these rocks have been so altered during the immense period of their existence by heat and pressure and the other vicissitudes to which the restless crust of the earth is subject that they now present a mass of granite like material in which all trace of organic life has been destroyed . in america the rocks of corresponding age are better preserved , and have yielded a limited fauna displaying an already advanced stage of evolution . to account for the strange paucity of animal remains it has been suggested that the creatures of these earliest times were soft bodied, , so that after death they left no trace behind . it may be noted that the pre cambrian rocks contain beds of limestone and of carbon such beds , in later rocks , are composed of organic materials , the limestones being formed of the skeletons of minute marine creatures , particularly foraminifera , and the carbon deposits of the remains of plants . in cambrian times , then , abundant life springs forth into our vision from the rocks , already , like minerva , fully armed . the soft plant structures are not well preserved in the older fossiliferous rocks , and hence the fragmentary story of plant life , as we trace it backwards , becomes very obscure , while many types of animals still boldly occupy the stage . at the earliest period from which plant remains are well preserved and plentiful , in the devonian rocks , many of the great plant groups are fully developed , the vegetation displaying an abundance and luxuriance comparable to that of the present day . seaweeds horsetails ferns club mosses fill the waters or clothe the land , and seed plants are already abundant in the form of the fern like pteridosperms , long since extinct . both as regards adaptation to environment and internal structure a very high degree of specialization has already been obtained . if a botanist , writes d . h . scott , were set to examine , without prejudice , the structure of those devonian plants which have come down to us in a fit state for such investigation , it would probably never occur to him that they were any simpler than plants of the present day he would find them different in many ways , but about on the same general level of organization . in the succeeding carboniferous period conditions appear to have been peculiarly suitable for vegetable life , as well as for its preservation in a fossil condition . in the warm , moist climate of those times , many of the races of plants above mentioned attained an imposing size , luxuriance , abundance , and variety and their remains , fortunately well preserved owing to conditions favourable to slow decomposition , not only furnish a rich heritage for the botanist , but supply the coal , on the energy derived from which our whole modern civilization is built up . before the end of the palozoic period the conifers had appeared , descended possibly from the extinct cordaite . with the advent of the secondary or mesozoic epoch the group of the cycads , to which our modern screw pines belong , rose to great importance , descended probably from the pteridosperms , and long continued to be a dominant feature of terrestrial vegetation . and then at last in the lower cretaceous rocks the angiosperms , or flowering plants par excellence , both dicotyledons and monocotyledons , put in an appearance . it seems probable that they were evolved from cycads , such as the bennettite , recent researches on magnificent fossil material discovered in america showing striking analogies between certain cycadaceous flowers and those of such plants as magnolias , water lilies , and buttercups . once established , the angiosperms rose to primary importance in an extraordinarily short time  possibly owing to the invention of insect pollination , which may have arisen at that period . in upper cretaceous times the two great groups into which the angiosperms still fall , the dicotyledons and monocotyledons , fairly dominated the flora of the world , as they do at present . already many types familiar at the present day had appeared , and the woods were filled with birches , beeches , oaks , planes , maples , hollies , ivies , as they are nowadays . the record of the rocks during these long periods of time contains not only the story of the rise of the great divisions of the vegetable world , but also of the decline of most of them . a few , like the pteridosperms and the sphenophylls , died out completely long ago but most of the great groups of early days , such as cycads , ferns , horsetails , and club mosses, , still survive , though shorn of much of their glory . races which once formed vast and lofty forests are now represented by a few lowly herbs and it is difficult to recognize in the tiny selaginella of our moors the representative of the gigantic club mosses of carboniferous days . but certain plants still living retain to a great extent the features of their ancestors of the ancient rocks . one of the most interesting of these is the maidenhair tree well known as a sacred tree in the east , and apparently preserved to us through the last few thousand years owing to this custom , as it does not seem to exist now in a wild state . the genus ginkgo runs back to the beginning of the mesozoic period , and its near relatives go back much farther still to the devonian the group to which it belongs , ginkgoace probably descended from the cordaite , attains its maximum in the jurassic , the age of reptiles , and the existing species or its near relatives saw the earth teeming with fantastic saurians , including huge brutes , longer than the greatest whale , which browsed on trees or devoured creatures scarcely less terrible than themselves , while others of different form , occupied the sea , and others again of nightmare appearance dashed bat like through the air . this solitary representative of a great and ancient race is of quite peculiar interest in that it is the highest plant in which is preserved the primitive feature of fertilization by the medium of water , the male cell being endowed with the power of motion , and reaching the egg cell by means of swimming . throughout the tertiary or cainozoic period the dominance of the angiosperms became more pronounced , and already in the eocene a flora flourished much resembling in a general way that which now occupies the earth . long periods succeeded the eocene , of which the record is poor so far as plant remains are concerned , at least as regards these countries , but no further great botanical revolutions took place . through the miocene period , with its luxuriant evergreen , subtropical vegetation , we are led to the pliocene . during this period the climate once again cooled down , and towards the end of it , under conditions very like those prevailing in england at present , many of our familiar species of wild flowers and trees at length made their appearance  marigold sloe blackberry rubus fruticosus , hawthorn cow parsnep heracleum sphondylium , bogbean gypsywort lycopus europus , sheeps sorrel birch hazel oak yew taxus baccata , bur reed cotton grass eriophorum polystachion , royal fern . the remains of these occur in the cromer forest bed, , a series of estuarine deposits  down perhaps by the ancient rhine  underlies the boulder clay cliffs of the norfolk coast , and forms almost the only plant bearing beds of pliocene age found in the present land area which we call britain . and now , just as a point is reached when at length we think we shall see our present british flora emerging fully from the obscurity of the ages , a dramatic interruption occurs , which confuses the record and brings us into difficulties of many sorts , giving rise to controversies which are still far from being settled . the climate becomes suddenly colder , and europe is plunged into the rigours of the ice age . ice ages there had been before in the long history of the world . rocks of late permian or early carboniferous times bear ample witness to the existence of great ice sheets extending over wide areas in several continents where temperate or warm conditions now prevail and puzzling deposits of later age  , eocene , miocene  been interpreted by some geologists as the relics of subsequent glacial periods . but these are only distant echoes as compared with the quaternary ice age , from the effects of which our country and its fauna and flora are still in process of recovery . at the close of the pliocene period , then , snow began to extend on the higher grounds , and glaciers to fill the mountain valleys these conditions were intensified until all northern europe , including the british isles as far south as the thames valley , lay under a mantle of ice . the plants which occupied the ground were forced southward as the ice advanced , or exterminated by the increasing cold . after long fluctuations of climate , the extent of which appears still in doubt , the ice at length slowly passed away , leaving the surface of our country greatly altered . the ancient soils which had been in process of accumulation since last the land rose above sea level were swept away , the surface was strewn with materials formed by the grinding down of the hills or the pushing up of sea bottom material , valleys were choked , rivers diverted , lakes formed by dams of glacial detritus , or by the scooping action of the ice the whole surface of the country was remodelled on new lines . into this new land the plants remigrated , and we now view on our hills and plains the results of this repopulation . the difficulties of which i have spoken arise especially in connection with the manner of this recolonization . on a continental area one can conceive of a gradual retirement of the flora before the advance of the ice , and its subsequent remigration northward into its old haunts as the ice retired . but on an insular area like great britain no such line of retreat was open . the ice free area of southern england and possibly southern ireland does not appear adequate to harbour the crowd of refugees throughout the cold period . there is good evidence that the time of maximum glaciation was also one of elevation of the land , and possibly this persisted for a while after the passing away of the ice . if this were so , some relief from the congestion might have been afforded to the refugees during the cold period , and an opportunity might have existed when the ice passed away for recolonization across a land surface from the east , since a comparatively small elevation would connect the british islands with the continent . but that such an elevation continued for long after the passing of the ice is by no means certain . on the whole , the evidence of general glaciation of our islands as interpreted by geologists almost postulates the extinction within our area of the whole existing flora and fauna , and consequently its reconstruction by immigration when a temperate climate returned . but there is a body of evidence to be drawn from the present and past distribution of the existing plants and animals which is of great importance in this connection . is this biological testimony in favour of the theory of the immigration of our flora and fauna during the relatively short period which has elapsed since the passing of the ice . to this question different observers have given very different answers . in order to form an idea of the nature of the problem  is possible here to deal only with the case of the plants  need to study briefly the composition of the present flora , from the point of view of its origin . in the first place , it must be recalled that the british isles are situated on a broad shelf which extends into the atlantic on the western edge of europe . in comparison with the depth of the adjoining ocean , this shelf is but little below sea level, , and a slight elevation of the land  smaller than those which have occurred over and over again in recent geological times  join our islands to germany , holland , belgium , and france . the british isles are geographically and biologically by no means a separate area , and they have derived their population , both plant and animal , by immigration at various periods of time from the great land area to the eastward . our present flora proves the truth of this as a general assertion a study of its constituents shows that it is essentially a reduced continental european flora . as we step from france across to england we lose a number of plants familiar on the french side . as we step again from england into ireland a further number of plants disappears and these losses are no doubt due either to an unsuitability of climate on the insular areas , especially the absence of a hot summer , or to the inability of the plants to cross the barriers of sea which have now existed for some time . if the whole of the flora fitted in with this idea of mere reduction of the continental flora by elimination , the problem would be much simplified . but there are other elements in it which do not harmonize with this conception of simply a general western migration , and which give rise to very interesting problems . let us first consider the main mass of our flora , which is closely akin to that of the adjoining parts of the continent . when we say that it represents a reduced continental flora we do not imply that it is therefore uniform in its composition throughout the british isles . we know , on the contrary , by everyday observation , that it varies much in its constituents . the principal general change is noticed if one travels from the south of england to the north of scotland . great britain extends in this direction for miles  enough to allow climate to have a marked effect as between its extremities . the flora of hampshire is very different from that of caithness or the orkneys . but both represent in the main the vegetation of that part of the continent which lies in the same latitude , the hampshire flora being akin to that of northern france , the caithness flora to that of southern scandinavia . the likeness is in each case heightened by the fact that the rocks of the respective areas correspond , producing similar soils , which tend to support similar floras . the soft secondary and tertiary deposits of southern england are repeated in the paris basin and surrounding area , while the ancient gneisses of scotland are akin to those of norway . to quote a few instances of this north and south difference coupled with east and west similarity the small flowered crowfoot ranunculus parviflorus , white bryony water violet hottonia palustris , yellow wort and black bryony all widely spread throughout england and wales , die out in or about the lake district , and are absent from scotland the scale fern gets farther north  half way up scotland  it disappears other plants again , widespread in the south , die out before the mersey humber line , or even the severn thames line , is crossed . on the continent , the plants enumerated are mainly southern in their range . all occur widely in central and southern europe , but from scandinavia most are absent , and the rest are rare . on the other hand , some characteristic scottish species cease as we come southward  little primula scotica , for instance , is confined to the northern extremity of scotland the chickweed wintergreen ranges only as far south as yorkshire and the beautiful globe flower so characteristic of northern pastures , creeps southward as far as the severn . the first of these is on the continent confined to scandinavia the others , though found in france , etc . are characteristic of the hilly regions there , and are much more abundant farther northward . next to this north and change , due to climate , we may notice an east and change , due partly to climate , but more perhaps to elimination , for in passing from france to ireland we have to cross two barriers of sea . the climatic change is not unlike that experienced in going from south to north . we leave a dry climate rainfall under inches at year for one of increasing wetness , a warm for a cool summer , a colder for a milder winter . the chief difference between the extreme west of the british isles and the extreme north lies in the warmer winter of the former , frost being almost unknown in the milder spots . but the general similarity of northern and western conditions as opposed to eastern and southern leads to a fusing of the northern and western plant groups , so that on a map designed to show the distribution of our species analyzed according to their general range in europe , the grouping of plants in the british isles will be found to be roughly north western as opposed to south eastern . the further change due to elimination of species has been already referred to . most plants no doubt have spread in our islands as far as prevailing climatic and soil conditions allow , but in other cases the sea barriers seem to have put a period to their natural advance . considering the wide range of conditions of climate and soil under which , for instance , the hairy crowfoot the common rock rose the needle furze and the small marsh valerian occur in england , wales , and scotland , it is difficult to impute their absence from ireland to climate . thirdly , we find varying conditions of soil intruding themselves and producing such local changes in the grouping of the plants as may quite obscure the broader differences just dealt with . were our islands a plain formed of uniform materials , the gradual changes from south to north or east to west might be traced step by step . but their surface is most diversified their rocks contain an epitome of the whole geology of europe the soils are consequently various from the point of view of the plant world the area is an archipelago for some plants a desert with occasional oases , for others an oasis enclosing occasional deserts . certain species are confined to the chalk  instance , the box and the stinking hellebore to others a limy soil is a barrier comparable to that formed by the english channel . it will be seen , then , that when we speak of the flora in general being a reduced continental one , many considerations , geographical , climatic , and edaphic , must be duly taken into consideration if we are to understand the composition and distribution of our vegetation . but making all allowance for these various disturbing influences , there are found in our flora certain plant groups which will not fit in with this general conception of immigration from the east . let us take a few examples . in fir woods in dorset , until some forty years ago when it was exterminated , grew a slender little plant allied to the lilies , too little known to have a popular english name , and called by botanists simethis planifolia or s . bicolor , the latter name having reference to the fact that the flower is purple on the outside , white on the inside . this plant is unknown elsewhere in great britain , and was at first set down by h . c . watson , the leading british plant geographer , as an alien or denizen , not a true native but the fact that it grows over a considerable area of very wild ground in kerry its only irish station , far from possible sources of introduction , and undoubtedly native , indicates a strong probability of the plants having been indigenous in dorset also . it is not present on the adjoining parts of the continent , but turns up again in the pyrenean region , some miles to the southward , and may be traced thence into italy and north africa . did this instance of an apparent migration from the south stand alone , it might not excite much attention , and we should probably be inclined to attribute the plants peculiar and discontinuous distribution to the extinction , perhaps by human agency , of intermediate stations . but it stands by no means alone . in cornwall two illustration fig .  . butterwort . pretty heaths are found , the latter spreading to dorset . they occur in no other stations in the british islands , and elsewhere only in the pyrenean region . north devon is the only home in great britain for the handsome irish spurge euphorbia hiberna , which in ireland is distributed along the west and south coasts , being very abundant in kerry . outside the british isles it also is confined to the pyrenean area . crossing into ireland , we find along the south and west coasts no less than seven plants unknown in great britain , and elsewhere found only or mainly in the pyrenees . of these , three heaths are confined to connemara and the pyrenees two saxifrages , the london pride and the kidney leaved with their irish headquarters in kerry , are likewise confined to the pyrenean region . the beautiful large flowered butterwort abundant in parts of kerry and cork , grows in south west europe and the alps while the strawberry tree so pleasing and unique a feature of the killarney woods , ranges all along the mediterranean . a little orchid , neotinea intacta , found on limy soils in galway and the adjoining counties , and a grass schlerochloa festuciformis which occurs on sheltered shores on both the east and west sides of ireland , are likewise confined elsewhere to the mediterranean region . so it will be seen that along the south western and western borders of the british isles there is scattered a well marked group of plants belonging to the pyrenean and mediterranean floras , whose english or irish stations are quite discontinuous with their nearest continental habitats . here clearly is something which calls for explanation but before discussing the question attention may be drawn to a still more remarkable plant group of our western coasts , which mingles with the southern group referred to . in damp meadows all round lough neagh , in the north of ireland , grows an orchid , spiranthes romanzoffiana whose greenish white flowers possess a delicious fragrance resembling that of its ally , s . spiralis , the autumnal ladys tresses . s . romanzoffiana occurs also in co . cork , but we may search in vain for it throughout the rest of europe . it is an american plant , widely spread throughout canada and the northern states , and found on the asiatic as well as the alaskan side of behring sea . again , in pools along the western irish coast from cork to donegal , and also in the hebrides , grows the pipewort eriocaulon articulatum , a little aquatic with a tuft of grassy leaves from which a slender stem rises above the water , bearing a button like head of small grey flowers . this plant also is absent from all the rest of europe and from asia , but widely spread in northern north america . the little blue eyed grass of canada again , grows abundantly in many areas in the west of ireland , where it would seem to be undoubtedly native , and is otherwise confined to north america . one or two other plants , of the same foreign distribution , have in europe a less restricted range they need not be mentioned individually , for enough has been said to show that along the western coasts of the british isles illustration fig .  . at the lakes of killarney . illustration fig .  . romanzoffiana growing by lough neagh . there is a small but well marked element in the flora which has its home in the northern portion of the new world in our islands these species live side by side with the pyrenean and mediterranean plants lately dealt with . here , then , is the problem set before us . how are we to account for the presence of these unexpected strangers in a flora derived in the main from a westward migration from the adjoining parts of the continent , from which they are absent . and especially what are their relations to the glacial epoch , during which the continental flora was forced far southward by the advance of the ice , while that of our own islands was probably greatly reduced , and the balance forced into limited refuges in the south west, , if it survived at all . it should at once be pointed out that these peculiar pyrenean and american elements in our flora are matched by similar elements in the fauna . into the zoological evidence we cannot go here , but one well marked species of each geographical group may be mentioned . the spotted slug of kerry is elsewhere confined to portugal while a little fresh water sponge , heteromeyenia ryderi , widely spread in irish lakes and rivers , and occurring also in scotland , is otherwise exclusively american . in speculating , therefore , as to the origin of the plants , we must not leave out of account the question of the corresponding animals . first of all , is it possible that these unexpected organisms were introduced into our islands by man . in an earlier chapter it has been seen how human trade and intercourse have imported into our flora plants from the uttermost ends of the earth . may we seek in this direction an explanation . the evidence is entirely against such a solution . these plants are found chiefly  of them entirely  the wildest parts of the country , and bear fully the stamp of natives of old standing . human foreign intercourse is not so old but that the introductions which it effected are still easily discernible to the student the plants which have come to us thus bear the imprint of their origin they spread outwards from centres of human activity , and are absent from undisturbed areas they cannot in most cases compete with the indigenous vegetation , and only exist by confining their attempts at colonization to places where man has ousted the native flora  as tilled land , roadsides , railway tracks . even those aliens which have succeeded in winning a place among the native plants , such as the monkey flower or michaelmas daisies of north america , which are found sometimes in quite wild situations , the experienced field botanist detects readily enough . the introduction of the plants in question by man has never been advocated by a responsible biologist . assuming , then , that these groups owe their presence to natural agencies , the next question that arises is , could they have come to our shores across the existing seas , or must we relegate their arrival to periods when different distribution of sea and land would aid their migration by allowing them to travel across a land surface , or at least to cross sea barriers less wide than the present . this leads us to consider the means of dispersal possessed by the species in question , and to measure these against the nature of the barriers they would have been called on to cross . an investigation on these lines would be lengthy , and out of place here . the reader has already from chapter iii . acquired some insight into the powers as well as the limitations possessed by seeds for crossing such barriers . summing up the evidence briefly , it may be said that the seeds of none of the southern group float in water consequently transport by currents is ruled out . secondly , none of them is so light as to render it possible for them to cross the intervening sea by wind currents very much the lightest seeds in the group are those of the orchid neotinea intacta , yet even these could not on any reasonable theory have been transported by wind from the plants nearest station in southern france the high speed of fall of the small seeds of the pyrenean heaths or saxifrages renders their wind transport , even from the smaller distance which has to be reckoned with , in their case still more improbable . there is left , then , the agency of birds can we look to these swift messengers for assistance . the rapid digestion of birds renders it futile to expect that even those which do not crush the seeds which they eat could bring over from the pyrenees seeds which they have swallowed so we are forced back on the uncertain method of ectozoic dispersal that is , on the assumption that seeds of these plants have been imported by becoming entangled in the feathers of birds , or by adhering  with the aid of mud  their feet . that seeds are transported by these means has been shown by the observations of darwin and other observers but that the seeds of a number of different plants , growing in different situations , should be brought thus from the pyrenees and mediterranean to our western coasts is a highly speculative suggestion . if we discard it , there is left the hypothesis that the plants migrated long ago overland , at a time when the western coastline of europe was continuous and lay farther seaward . such conditions have not occurred since the ice age so we have to assume that the plants , arriving perhaps in pliocene times by slow terrestrial dispersal , and subsequently cut off by invasions of the sea upon their line of advance , survived the cold and ice of the glacial period within the limits of our islands . that appears , on consideration of the geological evidence of widespread glaciation , sufficiently improbable but we must remember that the evidence supplied by the plants is buttressed formidably by that of the corresponding animals , some of which , such as the kerry slug , are far less fitted for transmarine dispersal than are the seeds of plants . also , we are faced with the problem of the american plants , and such organisms as the american sponge , heteromeyenia a direct crossing of the ocean appears for them wholly impossible . yet if they crossed over long gone land surfaces , their arrival on this side of the atlantic must be very ancient , and they must certainly have weathered successfully the great ice age . the problem , it is clear , is an exceedingly difficult one , upon which it would be rash to pronounce any hasty opinion . students of the subject have come to widely difficult conclusions some holding with edward forbes that these lusitanian and american organisms represent the very oldest element in our fauna and flora , having migrated over bygone land surfaces in distant times and successfully survived the terrors of the glacial period others claiming a much less remote period for their immigration . indeed , one eminent recent writer on the subject , the late clement reid , considered that the lusitanian plants are among the most recent arrivals in the country , their introduction being due mainly to birds driven by exceptional gales . the question of the lusitanian and american elements in our flora has been treated at some length both because it offers one of the most interesting problems in british botany , and because it affords a good illustration of the far reaching nature of the questions which may lie behind the occurrence on our hills or in our valleys of even the humblest plant or animal . each organism has a long record behind it , stretching far beyond the earliest periods of human history and it is only by wide and patient study that we can hope to trace any portion of its story . chapter viii some interesting british plant groups in the preceding chapters glimpses have been obtained of some of the wider aspects of plant life , particularly as seen on the hills and plains of our own country . the species composing our flora have been seen mostly , not as individuals , but as portions of regiments and armies , particular plants being mentioned but seldom , where required for purposes of illustration . in the final chapter it will be well to abandon this collective treatment , and glance at a few individual species or genera or small natural groups which possess features of interest of one sort or another . no systematic arrangement need be attempted it will be pleasanter to ramble on , allowing our points of inquiry to turn up as they might on a country walk . a consideration of abnormalities in the manner in which plants obtain their food supply nutrition , as it has been called  raise some interesting questions , and will bring us up against some of the most remarkable species which are found in the british flora . the outlines of the method by which plants manufacture their food are familiar to all , and have been referred to already . the roots absorb from the soil water containing dissolved salts , which is passed up by the stems into the leaves . the leaves extract from the air carbon dioxide . the chlorophyll , or green colouring matter of the leaves , possesses the remarkable power in the presence of sunlight of breaking up and recombining these substances into the compounds which go to build up the plant body . as has been pointed out , it is this power of forming organic out of inorganic matter that especially distinguishes plants from animals . but not all plants manufacture their food in this way . a large number feed like animals , finding their sustenance sometimes in living , more often in dead , organic material , either animal or vegetable . the whole enormous group of the fungi do not possess chlorophyll , and in consequence are dependent on organic materials for their food . some of the most familiar of the lower fungi live on cheese , leather , bread , or any other damp animal or vegetable material . the higher forms , which decorate our woods and pastures , find their sustenance largely in leaf mould . the groups of the mosses , hepatics , and ferns , which are more highly organized than the fungi , possess chlorophyll , and manufacture their own food and it is with some little surprise , therefore , that when we come to the seed plants , the highest group of all , we find , though in relatively few cases , a reversion to the animal trait of using organic food . some of our woodland plants have taken so entirely to a diet of leaf mould that they have discarded the apparatus which would enable them to manufacture their own food . chlorophyll , the magic wand by means of which the inorganic is transformed into the organic , and also leaves , the mills wherein the transformation takes place , are absent from these plants . for instance , the birds nest orchis sends up from a mass of fleshy roots a bare brown stem about a foot high , bearing a spike of brown flowers , the whole being so much of the same colour as the dead beech leaves among which the plant is usually found that it may easily be passed over . it is quite incapable of manufacturing its own food , but feeds on the decaying vegetable material which was manufactured by the trees under whose shadow it grows . it is but a step from saprophytes such as this to parasites , which feed , not on dead , but on living organic matter . in the case of the higher plants , the hosts are always themselves plants , though , as pointed out on p . they are , in the case of the fungi , sometimes animals . one of the most interesting of these parasites is , like the birds nest orchis , found in woods  yellow birds nest monotropa hypopitys . this is , like the last , a leafless plant devoid of chlorophyll , sending up from a tangled root mass one or more pale yellow stems , each bearing a drooping raceme of flowers of the same colour . the flowers show affinities to the heath family but the plant differs much from any other member of that order . the yellow birds nest is always found associated with the mycelium , or cobwebby underground portion , of a fungus , on which it appears to be parasitic . the fungus is in turn a saprophyte , and the seed plant feeds at second hand , so to speak , on decaying vegetable matter . this parasitism of a seed plant on a fungus is a very exceptional case . a more frequent type is offered by the broomrapes which we may find in meadows , etc . growing on clover , thyme , ivy , and so on . these resemble the birds nest orchis in sending up a stout leafless stem crowned with a spike of flowers . the different species display almost every colour except green , being red or brown or purple or yellow , and one blue . these plants live by attaching themselves to the roots of their host , and drawing in the nourishment they need for their own growth  pure and simple . the seeds of the broomrapes are very numerous and very light , and of singularly primitive structure . when they develop , they produce , not a young plant with root and stem , but a delicate spiral filament which grows down into the ground . should this meet with a root of its host plant, , it adheres to it closely , and grows into a swollen knob at the point of attachment , which when mature sends up the flowering stem already described . should a suitable root not be met with , the filament withers away and dies as soon as it has exhausted the small amount of reserve food stored in the seed . a parasite of a less sedentary habit , to be found in spring in our copses and hedgerows , is the toothwort . this curious plant has underground creeping stems clothed with whitish , tooth like, , fleshy scales . in autumn and winter the stems lie dormant . in spring they send out delicate roots which attach themselves to the roots of trees of various kinds and suck nourishment from them , with the aid of which the plant sends up into the air fleshy cream coloured stems bearing many drooping flowers of the same hue , the structure of which shows that the plant is closely allied to the broomrapes . the toothwort is a very harmless parasite , and the species of broomrape also , though sometimes abundant on clover , etc . do not do much damage but the same cannot be said for the dodders one of which is parasitic on flax , another on clover , and so on . these are little annual plants whose seeds lie dormant in the soil throughout the winter and well into the spring . then the young plant , which has remained coiled up inside this seed like a spring , pushes forth in the form of a tiny thread . while one extremity fastens itself to the soil , the other rises up into the air , and its point slowly revolves . should it come in contact with a living stem of a suitable plant , it attaches itself to it by means of disc like suckers , penetrates the tissues of its victim , draws out nourishment , and , growing rapidly , spreads from plant to plant , taking a couple of close turns round each stem after the manner of a lasso , and then sending in rootlets from the attaching disc , and sucking the life out of each as it goes . it has no roots , no leaves , no chlorophyll , being of a red or yellow tint , and is entirely dependent for its nourishment on the plants which it attacks . in course of time  august  abundance of pretty little waxy white flowers are produced , which produce the next years supply of seed . a few seedlings of dodder , developing under suitable conditions , will form a colony which is capable in its few months of life of sweeping over a large area , wrecking the vegetation on which it has battened . a parasite of a quite different sort may be studied in the familiar mistletoe . it is the only parasitic native plant which is shrubby , or which perches itself on trees the seeds being spread by birds , which devour the white berries . it is not , like some parasites , particular as to the species upon which it grows , flourishing equally upon a number of hosts , and even capable of living upon its own species . it differs from those parasites which we have been considering in possessing an abundance of green leaves , and being therefore capable of manufacturing its own food . at the same time , it has no roots which can penetrate the soil , and is incapable of an independent existence . it seems probable that its relations with its host are to some extent symbiotic  is , each giving to the other  than purely parasitic , where the benefit is entirely on one side . the mistletoe , retaining its leaves and manufacturing food throughout the year , is clearly capable of aiding its host , which loses its leaves in autumn , and cannot form fresh nourishment until spring is well advanced . before leaving this question of abnormal methods of procuring food as found among the higher plants , we may return for a few moments to the consideration of carnivorous plants , to which reference was made in chapter iv . of these the sundews butterworts and bladderworts supply very interesting examples within our own flora , which anyone may study on a holiday spent on the moors or mountains . the sundews are familiar to all plant lovers  plants of the bogland , usually growing among sphagnum , and well distinguished by their leaves decked with spreading red hairs , each of which is tipped with a little drop of sparkling sticky fluid . it is these hairs or tentacles and their movements which place the sundews among the most interesting of all plants . it is important to note that they are not hairs in the ordinary sense , which are organs of very simple structure arising from the epidermis or skin of the leaf . the tentacles of drosera have a complicated structure resembling that of leaves , and the tip is occupied by a gland which produces the sticky secretion already mentioned . these glands are exceedingly sensitive , and , moreover , sensitive in a selective way . they are unaffected by the drops of rain which frequently fall on them , but the touch of any solid body , especially of organic material , immediately affects them most of all nitrogenous substances of any kind . darwin found that a morsel of human hair weighing only of a grain was sufficient to set the machinery of drosera in motion , and that immersion of a leaf in a solution of phosphate of ammonium so weak that each tentacle could absorb only of a grain acted as a strong stimulus . in nature the stimulus is usually given by some unwary insect  midge or other small flying creature  , attracted by the bright colour or by the odour of the leaf , ventures too close , and becomes entangled among the sticky hairs . then a most interesting series of events takes place . almost at once the tentacles  the ones actually touched , and then the adjoining ones  towards the point of disturbance , closing down one by one on the unfortunate victim till the leaf resembles a closed fist . at the same time the production of secretion increases , so as further to entangle the victim . when it is firmly secured , the secretion changes in character . digestive ferments , closely resembling those by which animals digest their food , are poured out . these dissolve the animals body , all except the horny parts the digested materials are then absorbed into the plant , which , as experiments show , benefits considerably by the addition to its diet of this animal food . when digestion is completed , the tentacles open again and prepare for a fresh victim . while the details of this remarkable process have been worked out only by careful and minute research in the laboratory , the main movements may be watched by anyone on any british moorland or , bringing home a few plants in the damp moss in which they grow , we may amuse ourselves by experiments in feeding them . in comparison with the sundews , the other insectivorous plants which are included in the british flora are of less interest . the butterworts of which four species are known in these islands , have a rosette of smooth , broad , yellowish leaves covered with glands which exercise the same functions as those of drosera . to the touch of raindrops , sand grains, , or other inorganic substances they are indifferent but a tiny insect alighting on the sticky leaf at once provokes an outpouring of secretion , while the leaf rolls inward from the edges till the victim is securely caught it is then digested as in the sundew . the bladderworts of which several species may be found floating in boggy pools , are rootless , limp plants with finely divided leaves , among which are numerous little bladders in reality strangely modified leaflets , and upright stems bearing pretty yellow snapdragon like flowers . the bladders do not help the plant to float , and appear to have for their sole function the securing of animal food . in the common bladderwort they are about inch long . at the upper end is a little hinged door , which is kept closed as by a spring against a thickened rim or door frame . outside the door are a few stiff hairs , a convenient perching place for small aquatic creatures such as the minute crustaceans known as water fleas . should one of these try to explore the bladder , the door opens easily , but closes at once behind the rash wanderer , imprisoning it . the bladderworts do not digest the victims which they secure in this manner , but when the bodies are decomposed by means of bacteria , the products of decomposition are absorbed . how fatal this mousetrap arrangement is to water fleas can be determined by dissecting the bladders of the plant . thus far , then , as regards some of those peculiar members of our flora which make their living by the unusual method of stealing their neighbours goods , or which eke out their existence by the capture of animal food . let us now take another line of exploration and consider the conditions which prevail on the loftiest portions of our islands , and how these affect the vegetation . mountain tops are always attractive and interesting places  keen rarefied air , the freedom and openness of the summits , fill us with exhilaration . our own mountains are not lofty nowhere in the british islands is a height of a mile attained . but we have only to ascend to a couple of thousand feet to note a great change in the vegetation . the plants of the lower grounds to a great extent die out and the vegetation takes on a low compact form , which becomes more emphasized as we ascend farther , till in sheltered nooks alone do we find any plants more than a few inches in height . furthermore , we notice an incoming of new plants unknown at lower levels , which search will show us to be confined to the mountains , each of them having a more or less definite limit below which also above which , though our mountains are not high enough to render this point well marked it is not found . among the plant formations and associations of the lower grounds which we considered in chapter ii . it was noted that the controlling factors were mainly connected with the nature of the soil and the amount of the water supply . here on the mountains another factor , the climatic , comes in emphatically , and takes charge . the temperature of the atmosphere falls one degree centigrade for about every feet of elevation , so that a sharp frost on the lowlands may easily mean zero fahrenheit on a hill . the rarefaction of the atmosphere , too , tends to produce a much greater range of temperature , both diurnal and seasonal . again , the velocity of the wind is much higher on the summits than on the plains , where friction is greatly increased by trees and other obstacles . these high winds have a very great cooling effect , as we may notice on our own bodies even in summer . in fact , as regards climatic change , an ascent of a thousand feet is comparable to a journey of several hundred miles northward . anyone who has , on a winter tramp , been caught in a snowstorm on a hill is forcibly reminded of what he has read of winter conditions in the arctic regions . in ascending ben nevis we travel , in a sense , to the arctic circle . but the analogy is false , for conditions , especially in summer , are very different in the two places . the plants of our mountains have all the advantages of the high summer elevation of the sun , very different from the weak , sloping sunlight of the illustration fig .  . plant boss silene acaulis , hymenophyllum unilaterale , mnium hornum . arctic . on our loftier hills , indeed , the heat is on occasions oppressive . again , the mountain climate , with its heavy rainfall and long cold period , tends to the formation of peat and the acids thus engendered in the soil , as well as the low temperature prevailing during most of the year , render difficult the absorption of water by the roots of plants . the conditions under which alpine plants , then , live may be summed up as follows a long cold winter , a short summer great exposure scarcity of food supply . the modifications which plants have undergone to meet these conditions are very marked , and render alpine plants a source of constant interest to the traveller and of delight to the gardener . the effect of low temperature in rendering difficult the absorption of food materials , and causing extensive root production and limited stem and leaf growth , is immediately observable . in fig . is seen an alpine stonecrop as growing on the chinese alps at some feet . the root is out of all proportion to the aerial parts . the same plant in the garden forms a little bush with branching stems half a foot long , and flowers borne on leafy axillary shoots a couple of inches long , while the roots are short and tufted . the most characteristic form which alpine plants assume may be called the cushion type . this is produced by excessive branching of the stems of small leaved plants , accompanied by but little longitudinal growth and it is excellently shown in many well known plants such as the mossy saxifrages , the kabschia saxifrages , the cushion pink silene acaulis , and a number of others . the same type of plant growth is characteristic of semi desert regions , where the points of similarity of environment to those of the mountain tops are evident . this cushion form has many advantages for the alpine plant . it keeps it warm in winter and cool and damp in summer it allows it to produce a great amount of blossom without the necessity for extensive growth it resists the utmost efforts of furious gusts of wind almost as well as would a half buried stone on the most storm swept cliffs its fresh green blobs welcome every changing hour , and weather every sky . fig . shows a boss of this kind , composed of the cushion pink silene acaulis , with an admixture of filmy fern and a moss . the shrubs of the alpine zone are mostly small and creeping , weaving themselves among the vegetation , and with low grasses and sedges forming a mat which is equally resistant to all inimical conditions . their leaves are small , to avoid damage by wind or by excessive transpiration . in some genera  instance , veronica  diminution of leaf surface accompanying more elevated habitat is very striking . in the new zealand lowlands broad leaved forms are met with , which give way , as one ascends to feet , to such forms as v . hectori in which the leaves are reduced to mere scales , and the plant much resembles some of the cypresses or other conifers with marked xerophile characters . other plants , again , escape climatic rigours by burrowing underground and throwing up short aerial stems in summer the spindly plants of the lowland , with diffuse stems , and also the light rooted annuals , illustration fig .  . zealand shrubby veronicas , showing , from left to right , reduction of leaf with increasing elevation of habitat .  . are conspicuous by their absence . the brief summer and long winter are unsuitable to the economy of annual plants and the alpine perennials are so constructed that with the passing away of the cold , flowering and fruiting may be accomplished quickly , before winter descends again . the abundance and vividness of the flowers of alpines is almost proverbial . several explanations have been put forward to account for these features , and probably there is some truth in each of them . it has been held that the brilliancy of the sunlight is accountable the shortness of the period available for seed production, , and the consequent need of prompt pollination by insects , have been suggested , as leading to urgent advertisement by means of brilliant coloration while the fact that the pollinating insects are largely butterflies , the most sthetic of flower visitors , has also been put forward as accounting for it . be that as it may , the glowing patches of colour produced by many quite minute alpine plants are among the most delightful things in nature . our own flora contains but few of the more striking of these jewels but where will one find a more delightful sight than a well flowered patch of spring gentian or mountain avens or purple saxifrage . as we mount higher and higher on the hills , plants become fewer and more stunted , but hardy forms persist even long after the level of perpetual snow is reached . in the alps , ranunculus glacialis occurs up to an elevation of about feet . in west tibet , strange stunted species of saussurea , a genus of composit allied to the thistles , exist at elevations of to feet . some of the cryptogams go higher still . lichens grow on the summit of kilimanjaro and schimper suggests that this may by no means represent the absolute limit of vegetation . the prevalence of snow and ice does not of itself inhibit the lower forms of life . since red snow was shown , nearly a century ago , to be due to colonies of a minute alga , many microscopic organisms of like habitat have been discovered , and these algal colonists of snow and ice are now known to extend far over the frozen deserts of the highest hills , and to penetrate into the remotest regions of the arctic and antarctic . as we get up to the level of perpetual snow on the higher mountains , or go northward within the arctic circle , the conditions under which plant life exists become very severe . it has been pointed out that in spite of a superficial similarity , wide disparity exists between the sets of conditions prevailing in the two kinds of habitat just mentioned . in the arctic the winter is continuously dark and the summer continuously light and in summer the sun is never far above the horizon , so that the temperature remains low , though it rises amply far enough above freezing point to allow of plant life . on high mountains , on the other hand , there is the same succession of day and night which prevails on the plains below , the height of the sun above the horizon being a question of latitude . on mountain ranges situated within the temperate zone , such as the european alps , and much more on those nearer the equator , the day temperature in summer is very high wherever the sun strikes , and while plants may have to withstand at night a temperature comparable to that borne by the arctic flora , they must endure by day the most intense insolation . neither in the arctic nor on the high hills does plant life cease merely on account of low temperature . species belonging to many families venture even beyond the limit of perpetual snow . the coldest known area on the earths surface lies in siberia , actually within the limits of forest growth , and trees and herbs of many species survive winter temperatures which may fall below c . degrees of frost fahrenheit . they freeze into solid lumps of ice without injury , and indeed the thawing process in spring is more dangerous to them than their congealment in autumn . many of the high alpine plants are frozen solid every night only to be roasted alive by day it seems amazing that any living organisms can endure under such circumstances . yet it is not only species confined to areas where such extremes exist , and specially adapted thereto , which can resist them successfully . in central europe the common chickweed and common daisy are often frozen solid , so that leaves and stems snap between the fingers like sealing wax, , yet with a rise of temperature they continue growth quite unperturbed , just as they do in areas where frost is unknown . the main difficulty induced by cold would appear to be the withdrawal of available water if that goes on for too long , life ceases . of course the suspension of activities which accompanies freezing cannot continue indefinitely , and in the cold regions of the earth plants are found only where for a sufficient portion of the year the maximum temperature rises above freezing point enough to allow of ordinary vital functions being resumed . a curious point in this power of resistance in plants to extremes of temperature is that they display no obvious protective adaptations . our present powers of investigation , schimper concludes , do not enable us to recognize in plants any protective means against cold . the capacity of withstanding intense cold is a specific property of the protoplasm of certain plants , and is quite unassisted by protective means that are external . it is a far cry from the high alps to the seashore , but it will be of interest to examine next the lower limit of the range of the seed plants . while the upper limit varies much in different latitudes , according to the distribution of temperature , the lower is controlled by sea level, , which is uniform over the whole globe . the level of the fresh waters , whose margin marks the limit of the bulk of the seed plants , is , on the other hand , various , lakes being situated at different heights above sea level, , while rivers slope across the lands down to the ocean . while the sea margin forms a very real barrier to the spread of seed plants , the lakes and rivers , on the other hand , yield many inhabitants , and we must examine the relations existing between the aquatic and the terrestrial species . as has been stated on a former page , the evidence points to life having originated in the water , at a period extremely remote . the most lowly as well as the most minute of all organisms are the bacteria , some of which are in size beyond the limit of the most powerful microscope to detect , their presence being known only by their chemical actions . the most primitive groups of bacteria , known as prototrophic , are able to live without light , deriving their nourishment by the breaking up of inorganic chemical compounds . it is difficult to conceive of any living organism more primitive than these , and quite possibly they recall that dim borderland where merely chemical structure and action mysteriously advanced into the cell structure and purposive chemical changes which we call life . from that lowly stage the evolution of plant life has been marked especially by three great forward bounds , of inestimable importance . the first of these was the invention of chlorophyll , which allowed plants to use for their life processes the vast supply of energy furnished by the sun . sunlight then became essential to life , and the alg , the probable ancestors of all the higher plants , were developed , presumably through the peculiar cyanophyce , or blue green alg , in which the chlorophyll is in a somewhat undifferentiated condition . much later than this stage , yet far back in the history of evolution , occurred the second of the great forward steps . this was the desertion of the water for the land , which opened up for the plant world vast new fields and a great variety of new conditions . the final stage was reached by the abandonment of the aquatic mode of pollination by means of swimming spermatozoids , as still found in the maidenhair tree cycads , ferns , and groups lower in the scale , and the adoption instead of pollination through the medium of the air , which has won for them the freedom of the land . the seed plants , then , achieved their wonderful abundance and variety owing to the highly stimulating conditions offered by a terrestrial existence we must assign to all the existing types a long terrestrial ancestry . how , then , about the water plants whose leaves and flowers so decorate our lakes . there seems no doubt that they are species which have left the land to resume the aquatic habits of their remote ancestors . with few exceptions they retain the aerial mode of pollination which is the pride of the specialized land plants . the pressure of competition has probably driven them into the water , where they descend as far as the lessening light supply will allow . some  the earliest to take to an aquatic life  all their relations to keep them company , the remote ancestor which adopted an aquatic habit being now represented by many species , or even by many genera . in other cases a terrestrial genus or order has few or only a single aquatic representative . it may be assumed that in such a case the aquatic habit has been recently acquired . the great majority of water plants send their flowers up above the surface to be pollinated by wind or by insects . it may be noted that few of the more highly evolved groups of seed plants are represented in the aquatic flora wind pollinated flowers of a rather primitive type of structure are the rule in our lakes and rivers which points to an early assumption of the aquatic habit , and suggests that the land is more favourable than the water for the evolution of higher types . while the fresh waters of the globe have thus acquired from the land an abundant population of higher plants , the presence of salt , in water as on land , has had a deterrent effect . the sea was at first fresh . the primitive ocean derived by condensation from a cooling atmosphere in the early days of the worlds history contained no excess of salts . whether life arose while this condition still persisted it is not possible to say but as the sea grew salter owing to the rivers bringing into it incessantly salts derived from the land , the seaweeds alone of the great groups of plants adapted themselves to saline conditions , and the ocean is now their unchallenged kingdom . the divisions which are represented by the mosses , liverworts , club mosses, , horsetails , and ferns , have not , and so far as is known never had , a single representative in the sea . only one or two fungi  symbiotically combined with alg to form lichens  a very few flowering plants , have attempted marine colonization , after long ages spent on land and they have met with indifferent success . as we pass from fresh to brackish water , the population decreases rapidly , till in the seas surrounding our islands only one seed plant  grass wrack, , zostera marina  adopted a habitat which is thoroughly marine , and very few are found in other parts of the world . a study of the meeting ground of the land and sea plants , such as we may make on rambles along the coast , supplies us with some interesting material . on sandy shores , the wave trampled beach , shifting under the influence of winds and currents , offers a stretch of no mans desert strip untenanted alike by terrestrial or marine plants . the former do not descend below spring tide mark , if they go so far the latter cannot obtain foothold on the unstable substratum . the peculiar characters of the terrestrial beach plants has been referred to on a previous page . on rocky shores the desert strip is much narrowed , and a certain overlap may often be found , for the lichens  a terrestrial group  from the plant covered slopes into the spray swept zone below , and on to mix with the seaweeds which occupy the belt under high water mark , some of them , species of verrucaria and arthropyrenia , continuing downward till the low water mark of spring tides is reached . on steep rocky shores the dividing line between the flowering plants and the seaweeds is quite narrow , and varies in elevation with the exposure . on cliffy coasts open to the atlantic waves the uppermost seaweeds , such as pelvetia , which only asks to be wetted periodically by spray , occur far above high water mark , the lowest seed plants perching on the rocks much higher still  not venturing to within feet of the water level . were laid down in cambrian seas . you will rejoice to hear that no disaster has accompanied the commencement of an enterprise which you have regarded with such evil forebodings . i arrived here yesterday , and my first task is to assure my dear sister of my welfare and increasing confidence in the success of my undertaking . i am already far north of london , and as i walk in the streets of petersburgh , i feel a cold northern breeze play upon my cheeks , which braces my nerves and fills me with delight . do you understand this feeling . this breeze , which has travelled from the regions towards which i am advancing , gives me a foretaste of those icy climes . inspirited by this wind of promise , my daydreams become more fervent and vivid . i try in vain to be persuaded that the pole is the seat of frost and desolation it ever presents itself to my imagination as the region of beauty and delight . there , margaret , the sun is for ever visible , its broad disk just skirting the horizon and diffusing a perpetual splendour . therefor with your leave , my sister , i will put some trust in preceding navigatorsthere snow and frost are banished and , sailing over a calm sea , we may be wafted to a land surpassing in wonders and in beauty every region hitherto discovered on the habitable globe . its productions and features may be without example , as the phenomena of the heavenly bodies undoubtedly are in those undiscovered solitudes . what may not be expected in a country of eternal light . i may there discover the wondrous power which attracts the needle and may regulate a thousand celestial observations that require only this voyage to render their seeming eccentricities consistent for ever . i shall satiate my ardent curiosity with the sight of a part of the world never before visited , and may tread a land never before imprinted by the foot of man . these are my enticements , and they are sufficient to conquer all fear of danger or death and to induce me to commence this laborious voyage with the joy a child feels when he embarks in a little boat , with his holiday mates , on an expedition of discovery up his native river . but supposing all these conjectures to be false , you cannot contest the inestimable benefit which i shall confer on all mankind , to the last generation , by discovering a passage near the pole to those countries , to reach which at present so many months are requisite or by ascertaining the secret of the magnet , which , if at all possible , can only be effected by an undertaking such as mine . these reflections have dispelled the agitation with which i began my letter , and i feel my heart glow with an enthusiasm which elevates me to heaven , for nothing contributes so much to tranquillise the mind as a steady purposea point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye . this expedition has been the favourite dream of my early years . i have read with ardour the accounts of the various voyages which have been made in the prospect of arriving at the north pacific ocean through the seas which surround the pole . you may remember that a history of all the voyages made for purposes of discovery composed the whole of our good uncle thomas library . my education was neglected , yet i was passionately fond of reading . these volumes were my study day and night , and my familiarity with them increased that regret which i had felt , as a child , on learning that my fathers dying injunction had forbidden my uncle to allow me to embark in a seafaring life . these visions faded when i perused , for the first time , those poets whose effusions entranced my soul and lifted it to heaven . i also became a poet and for one year lived in a paradise of my own creation i imagined that i also might obtain a niche in the temple where the names of homer and shakespeare are consecrated . you are well acquainted with my failure and how heavily i bore the disappointment . but just at that time i inherited the fortune of my cousin , and my thoughts were turned into the channel of their earlier bent . six years have passed since i resolved on my present undertaking . i can , even now , remember the hour from which i dedicated myself to this great enterprise . i commenced by inuring my body to hardship . i accompanied the whale fishers on several expeditions to the north sea i voluntarily endured cold , famine , thirst , and want of sleep i often worked harder than the common sailors during the day and devoted my nights to the study of mathematics , the theory of medicine , and those branches of physical science from which a naval adventurer might derive the greatest practical advantage . twice i actually hired myself as an under mate in a greenland whaler , and acquitted myself to admiration . i must own i felt a little proud when my captain offered me the second dignity in the vessel and entreated me to remain with the greatest earnestness , so valuable did he consider my services . and now , dear margaret , do i not deserve to accomplish some great purpose . my life might have been passed in ease and luxury , but i preferred glory to every enticement that wealth placed in my path . oh , that some encouraging voice would answer in the affirmative . my courage and my resolution is firm but my hopes fluctuate , and my spirits are often depressed . i am about to proceed on a long and difficult voyage , the emergencies of which will demand all my fortitude i am required not only to raise the spirits of others , but sometimes to sustain my own , when theirs are failing . this is the most favourable period for travelling in russia . they fly quickly over the snow in their sledges the motion is pleasant , and , in my opinion , far more agreeable than that of an english stagecoach . the cold is not excessive , if you are wrapped in fursa dress which i have already adopted , for there is a great difference between walking the deck and remaining seated motionless for hours , when no exercise prevents the blood from actually freezing in your veins . i have no ambition to lose my life on the post road between st . petersburgh and archangel . i shall depart for the latter town in a fortnight or three weeks and my intention is to hire a ship there , which can easily be done by paying the insurance for the owner , and to engage as many sailors as i think necessary among those who are accustomed to the whale fishing . i do not intend to sail until the month of june and when shall i return . ah , dear sister , how can i answer this question . if i succeed , many , months , perhaps years , will pass before you and i may meet . if i fail , you will see me again soon , or never . farewell , my dear , excellent margaret . heaven shower down blessings on you , and save me , that i may again and again testify my gratitude for all your love and kindness . your affectionate brother , r . walton letter to mrs . saville , england . archangel , th march , . how slowly the time passes here , encompassed as i am by frost and snow . yet a second step is taken towards my enterprise . i have hired a vessel and am occupied in collecting my sailors those whom i have already engaged appear to be men on whom i can depend and are certainly possessed of dauntless courage . but i have one want which i have never yet been able to satisfy , and the absence of the object of which i now feel as a most severe evil , i have no friend , margaret when i am glowing with the enthusiasm of success , there will be none to participate my joy if i am assailed by disappointment , no one will endeavour to sustain me in dejection . i shall commit my thoughts to paper , it is true but that is a poor medium for the communication of feeling . i desire the company of a man who could sympathise with me , whose eyes would reply to mine . you may deem me romantic , my dear sister , but i bitterly feel the want of a friend . i have no one near me , gentle yet courageous , possessed of a cultivated as well as of a capacious mind , whose tastes are like my own , to approve or amend my plans . how would such a friend repair the faults of your poor brother . i am too ardent in execution and too impatient of difficulties . but it is a still greater evil to me that i am self educated for the first fourteen years of my life i ran wild on a common and read nothing but our uncle thomas books of voyages . at that age i became acquainted with the celebrated poets of our own country but it was only when it had ceased to be in my power to derive its most important benefits from such a conviction that i perceived the necessity of becoming acquainted with more languages than that of my native country . now i am twenty eight and am in reality more illiterate than many schoolboys of fifteen . it is true that i have thought more and that my daydreams are more extended and magnificent , but they want as the painters call it keeping and i greatly need a friend who would have sense enough not to despise me as romantic , and affection enough for me to endeavour to regulate my mind . well , these are useless complaints i shall certainly find no friend on the wide ocean , nor even here in archangel , among merchants and seamen . yet some feelings , unallied to the dross of human nature , beat even in these rugged bosoms . my lieutenant , for instance , is a man of wonderful courage and enterprise he is madly desirous of glory , or rather , to word my phrase more characteristically , of advancement in his profession . he is an englishman , and in the midst of national and professional prejudices , unsoftened by cultivation , retains some of the noblest endowments of humanity . i first became acquainted with him on board a whale vessel finding that he was unemployed in this city , i easily engaged him to assist in my enterprise . the master is a person of an excellent disposition and is remarkable in the ship for his gentleness and the mildness of his discipline . this circumstance , added to his well known integrity and dauntless courage , made me very desirous to engage him . a youth passed in solitude , my best years spent under your gentle and feminine fosterage , has so refined the groundwork of my character that i cannot overcome an intense distaste to the usual brutality exercised on board ship i have never believed it to be necessary , and when i heard of a mariner equally noted for his kindliness of heart and the respect and obedience paid to him by his crew , i felt myself peculiarly fortunate in being able to secure his services . i heard of him first in rather a romantic manner , from a lady who owes to him the happiness of her life . this , briefly , is his story . some years ago he loved a young russian lady of moderate fortune , and having amassed a considerable sum in prize money, , the father of the girl consented to the match . he saw his mistress once before the destined ceremony but she was bathed in tears , and throwing herself at his feet , entreated him to spare her , confessing at the same time that she loved another , but that he was poor , and that her father would never consent to the union . my generous friend reassured the suppliant , and on being informed of the name of her lover , instantly abandoned his pursuit . he had already bought a farm with his money , on which he had designed to pass the remainder of his life but he bestowed the whole on his rival , together with the remains of his prize money to purchase stock , and then himself solicited the young womans father to consent to her marriage with her lover . but the old man decidedly refused , thinking himself bound in honour to my friend , who , when he found the father inexorable , quitted his country , nor returned until he heard that his former mistress was married according to her inclinations . what a noble fellow . you will exclaim . he is so but then he is wholly uneducated he is as silent as a turk , and a kind of ignorant carelessness attends him , which , while it renders his conduct the more astonishing , detracts from the interest and sympathy which otherwise he would command . yet do not suppose , because i complain a little or because i can conceive a consolation for my toils which i may never know , that i am wavering in my resolutions . those are as fixed as fate , and my voyage is only now delayed until the weather shall permit my embarkation . the winter has been dreadfully severe , but the spring promises well , and it is considered as a remarkably early season , so that perhaps i may sail sooner than i expected . i shall do nothing rashly you know me sufficiently to confide in my prudence and considerateness whenever the safety of others is committed to my care . i cannot describe to you my sensations on the near prospect of my undertaking . it is impossible to communicate to you a conception of the trembling sensation , half pleasurable and half fearful , with which i am preparing to depart . i am going to unexplored regions , to the land of mist and snow , but i shall kill no albatross therefore do not be alarmed for my safety or if i should come back to you as worn and woeful as the ancient mariner . you will smile at my allusion , but i will disclose a secret . i have often attributed my attachment to , my passionate enthusiasm for , the dangerous mysteries of ocean to that production of the most imaginative of modern poets . there is something at work in my soul which i do not understand . i am practically industriouspainstaking , a workman to execute with perseverance and labourbut besides this there is a love for the marvellous , a belief in the marvellous , intertwined in all my projects , which hurries me out of the common pathways of men , even to the wild sea and unvisited regions i am about to explore . but to return to dearer considerations . shall i meet you again , after having traversed immense seas , and returned by the most southern cape of africa or america . i dare not expect such success , yet i cannot bear to look on the reverse of the picture . continue for the present to write to me by every opportunity i may receive your letters on some occasions when i need them most to support my spirits . i love you very tenderly . remember me with affection , should you never hear from me again . your affectionate brother , robert walton letter to mrs . saville , england . july th , . my dear sister , i write a few lines in haste to say that i am safeand well advanced on my voyage . this letter will reach england by a merchantman now on its homeward voyage from archangel more fortunate than i , who may not see my native land , perhaps , for many years . i am , however , in good spirits my men are bold and apparently firm of purpose , nor do the floating sheets of ice that continually pass us , indicating the dangers of the region towards which we are advancing , appear to dismay them . we have already reached a very high latitude but it is the height of summer , and although not so warm as in england , the southern gales , which blow us speedily towards those shores which i so ardently desire to attain , breathe a degree of renovating warmth which i had not expected . no incidents have hitherto befallen us that would make a figure in a letter . one or two stiff gales and the springing of a leak are accidents which experienced navigators scarcely remember to record , and i shall be well content if nothing worse happen to us during our voyage . adieu , my dear margaret . be assured that for my own sake , as well as yours , i will not rashly encounter danger . i will be cool , persevering , and prudent . but success shall crown my endeavours . wherefore not . thus far i have gone , tracing a secure way over the pathless seas , the very stars themselves being witnesses and testimonies of my triumph . why not still proceed over the untamed yet obedient element . what can stop the determined heart and resolved will of man . my swelling heart involuntarily pours itself out thus . but i must finish . heaven bless my beloved sister . r . w . letter to mrs . saville , england . august th , . so strange an accident has happened to us that i cannot forbear recording it , although it is very probable that you will see me before these papers can come into your possession . last monday we were nearly surrounded by ice , which closed in the ship on all sides , scarcely leaving her the sea room in which she floated . our situation was somewhat dangerous , especially as we were compassed round by a very thick fog . we accordingly lay to , hoping that some change would take place in the atmosphere and weather . about two oclock the mist cleared away , and we beheld , stretched out in every direction , vast and irregular plains of ice , which seemed to have no end . some of my comrades groaned , and my own mind began to grow watchful with anxious thoughts , when a strange sight suddenly attracted our attention and diverted our solicitude from our own situation . we perceived a low carriage , fixed on a sledge and drawn by dogs , pass on towards the north , at the distance of half a mile a being which had the shape of a man , but apparently of gigantic stature , sat in the sledge and guided the dogs . we watched the rapid progress of the traveller with our telescopes until he was lost among the distant inequalities of the ice . this appearance excited our unqualified wonder . we were , as we believed , many hundred miles from any land but this apparition seemed to denote that it was not , in reality , so distant as we had supposed . shut in , however , by ice , it was impossible to follow his track , which we had observed with the greatest attention . about two hours after this occurrence we heard the ground sea , and before night the ice broke and freed our ship . we , however , lay to until the morning , fearing to encounter in the dark those large loose masses which float about after the breaking up of the ice . i profited of this time to rest for a few hours . in the morning , however , as soon as it was light , i went upon deck and found all the sailors busy on one side of the vessel , apparently talking to someone in the sea . it was , in fact , a sledge , like that we had seen before , which had drifted towards us in the night on a large fragment of ice . only one dog remained alive but there was a human being within it whom the sailors were persuading to enter the vessel . he was not , as the other traveller seemed to be , a savage inhabitant of some undiscovered island , but a european . when i appeared on deck the master said , here is our captain , and he will not allow you to perish on the open sea . on perceiving me , the stranger addressed me in english , although with a foreign accent . before i come on board your vessel , said he , will you have the kindness to inform me whither you are bound . you may conceive my astonishment on hearing such a question addressed to me from a man on the brink of destruction and to whom i should have supposed that my vessel would have been a resource which he would not have exchanged for the most precious wealth the earth can afford . i replied , however , that we were on a voyage of discovery towards the northern pole . upon hearing this he appeared satisfied and consented to come on board . good god . margaret , if you had seen the man who thus capitulated for his safety , your surprise would have been boundless . his limbs were nearly frozen , and his body dreadfully emaciated by fatigue and suffering . i never saw a man in so wretched a condition . we attempted to carry him into the cabin , but as soon as he had quitted the fresh air he fainted . we accordingly brought him back to the deck and restored him to animation by rubbing him with brandy and forcing him to swallow a small quantity . as soon as he showed signs of life we wrapped him up in blankets and placed him near the chimney of the kitchen stove . by slow degrees he recovered and ate a little soup , which restored him wonderfully . two days passed in this manner before he was able to speak , and i often feared that his sufferings had deprived him of understanding . when he had in some measure recovered , i removed him to my own cabin and attended on him as much as my duty would permit . i never saw a more interesting creature his eyes have generally an expression of wildness , and even madness , but there are moments when , if anyone performs an act of kindness towards him or does him any the most trifling service , his whole countenance is lighted up , as it were , with a beam of benevolence and sweetness that i never saw equalled . but he is generally melancholy and despairing , and sometimes he gnashes his teeth , as if impatient of the weight of woes that oppresses him . when my guest was a little recovered i had great trouble to keep off the men , who wished to ask him a thousand questions but i would not allow him to be tormented by their idle curiosity , in a state of body and mind whose restoration evidently depended upon entire repose . once , however , the lieutenant asked why he had come so far upon the ice in so strange a vehicle . his countenance instantly assumed an aspect of the deepest gloom , and he replied , to seek one who fled from me . and did the man whom you pursued travel in the same fashion . yes . then i fancy we have seen him , for the day before we picked you up we saw some dogs drawing a sledge , with a man in it , across the ice . this aroused the strangers attention , and he asked a multitude of questions concerning the route which the dmon , as he called him , had pursued . soon after , when he was alone with me , he said , i have , doubtless , excited your curiosity , as well as that of these good people but you are too considerate to make inquiries . certainly it would indeed be very impertinent and inhuman in me to trouble you with any inquisitiveness of mine . and yet you rescued me from a strange and perilous situation you have benevolently restored me to life . soon after this he inquired if i thought that the breaking up of the ice had destroyed the other sledge . i replied that i could not answer with any degree of certainty , for the ice had not broken until near midnight , and the traveller might have arrived at a place of safety before that time but of this i could not judge . from this time a new spirit of life animated the decaying frame of the stranger . he manifested the greatest eagerness to be upon deck to watch for the sledge which had before appeared but i have persuaded him to remain in the cabin , for he is far too weak to sustain the rawness of the atmosphere . i have promised that someone should watch for him and give him instant notice if any new object should appear in sight . such is my journal of what relates to this strange occurrence up to the present day . the stranger has gradually improved in health but is very silent and appears uneasy when anyone except myself enters his cabin . yet his manners are so conciliating and gentle that the sailors are all interested in him , although they have had very little communication with him . for my own part , i begin to love him as a brother , and his constant and deep grief fills me with sympathy and compassion . he must have been a noble creature in his better days , being even now in wreck so attractive and amiable . i said in one of my letters , my dear margaret , that i should find no friend on the wide ocean yet i have found a man who , before his spirit had been broken by misery , i should have been happy to have possessed as the brother of my heart . i shall continue my journal concerning the stranger at intervals , should i have any fresh incidents to record . august th , . my affection for my guest increases every day . he excites at once my admiration and my pity to an astonishing degree . how can i see so noble a creature destroyed by misery without feeling the most poignant grief . he is so gentle , yet so wise his mind is so cultivated , and when he speaks , although his words are culled with the choicest art , yet they flow with rapidity and unparalleled eloquence . he is now much recovered from his illness and is continually on the deck , apparently watching for the sledge that preceded his own . yet , although unhappy , he is not so utterly occupied by his own misery but that he interests himself deeply in the projects of others . he has frequently conversed with me on mine , which i have communicated to him without disguise . he entered attentively into all my arguments in favour of my eventual success and into every minute detail of the measures i had taken to secure it . i was easily led by the sympathy which he evinced to use the language of my heart , to give utterance to the burning ardour of my soul and to say , with all the fervour that warmed me , how gladly i would sacrifice my fortune , my existence , my every hope , to the furtherance of my enterprise . one mans life or death were but a small price to pay for the acquirement of the knowledge which i sought , for the dominion i should acquire and transmit over the elemental foes of our race . as i spoke , a dark gloom spread over my listeners countenance . at first i perceived that he tried to suppress his emotion he placed his hands before his eyes , and my voice quivered and failed me as i beheld tears trickle fast from between his fingers a groan burst from his heaving breast . i paused at length he spoke , in broken accents unhappy man . do you share my madness . have you drunk also of the intoxicating draught . hear me let me reveal my tale , and you will dash the cup from your lips . such words , you may imagine , strongly excited my curiosity but the paroxysm of grief that had seized the stranger overcame his weakened powers , and many hours of repose and tranquil conversation were necessary to restore his composure . having conquered the violence of his feelings , he appeared to despise himself for being the slave of passion and quelling the dark tyranny of despair , he led me again to converse concerning myself personally . he asked me the history of my earlier years . the tale was quickly told , but it awakened various trains of reflection . i spoke of my desire of finding a friend , of my thirst for a more intimate sympathy with a fellow mind than had ever fallen to my lot , and expressed my conviction that a man could boast of little happiness who did not enjoy this blessing . i agree with you , replied the stranger we are unfashioned creatures , but half made up , if one wiser , better , dearer than ourselvessuch a friend ought to bedo not lend his aid to perfectionate our weak and faulty natures . i once had a friend , the most noble of human creatures , and am entitled , therefore , to judge respecting friendship . you have hope , and the world before you , and have no cause for despair . but ii have lost everything and cannot begin life anew . as he said this his countenance became expressive of a calm , settled grief that touched me to the heart . but he was silent and presently retired to his cabin . even broken in spirit as he is , no one can feel more deeply than he does the beauties of nature . the starry sky , the sea , and every sight afforded by these wonderful regions seem still to have the power of elevating his soul from earth . such a man has a double existence he may suffer misery and be overwhelmed by disappointments , yet when he has retired into himself , he will be like a celestial spirit that has a halo around him , within whose circle no grief or folly ventures . will you smile at the enthusiasm i express concerning this divine wanderer . you would not if you saw him . you have been tutored and refined by books and retirement from the world , and you are therefore somewhat fastidious but this only renders you the more fit to appreciate the extraordinary merits of this wonderful man . sometimes i have endeavoured to discover what quality it is which he possesses that elevates him so immeasurably above any other person i ever knew . i believe it to be an intuitive discernment , a quick but never failing power of judgment , a penetration into the causes of things , unequalled for clearness and precision add to this a facility of expression and a voice whose varied intonations are soul subduing music . august th , . yesterday the stranger said to me , you may easily perceive , captain walton , that i have suffered great and unparalleled misfortunes . i had determined at one time that the memory of these evils should die with me , but you have won me to alter my determination . you seek for knowledge and wisdom , as i once did and i ardently hope that the gratification of your wishes may not be a serpent to sting you , as mine has been . i do not know that the relation of my disasters will be useful to you yet , when i reflect that you are pursuing the same course , exposing yourself to the same dangers which have rendered me what i am , i imagine that you may deduce an apt moral from my tale , one that may direct you if you succeed in your undertaking and console you in case of failure . prepare to hear of occurrences which are usually deemed marvellous . were we among the tamer scenes of nature i might fear to encounter your unbelief , perhaps your ridicule but many things will appear possible in these wild and mysterious regions which would provoke the laughter of those unacquainted with the ever varied powers of nature nor can i doubt but that my tale conveys in its series internal evidence of the truth of the events of which it is composed . you may easily imagine that i was much gratified by the offered communication , yet i could not endure that he should renew his grief by a recital of his misfortunes . i felt the greatest eagerness to hear the promised narrative , partly from curiosity and partly from a strong desire to ameliorate his fate if it were in my power . i expressed these feelings in my answer . i thank you , he replied , for your sympathy , but it is useless my fate is nearly fulfilled . i wait but for one event , and then i shall repose in peace . i understand your feeling , continued he , perceiving that i wished to interrupt him but you are mistaken , my friend , if thus you will allow me to name you nothing can alter my destiny listen to my history , and you will perceive how irrevocably it is determined . he then told me that he would commence his narrative the next day when i should be at leisure . this promise drew from me the warmest thanks . i have resolved every night , when i am not imperatively occupied by my duties , to record , as nearly as possible in his own words , what he has related during the day . if i should be engaged , i will at least make notes . this manuscript will doubtless afford you the greatest pleasure but to me , who know him , and who hear it from his own lipswith what interest and sympathy shall i read it in some future day . even now , as i commence my task , his full toned voice swells in my ears his lustrous eyes dwell on me with all their melancholy sweetness i see his thin hand raised in animation , while the lineaments of his face are irradiated by the soul within . strange and harrowing must be his story , frightful the storm which embraced the gallant vessel on its course and wrecked itthus . chapter i am by birth a genevese , and my family is one of the most distinguished of that republic . my ancestors had been for many years counsellors and syndics , and my father had filled several public situations with honour and reputation . he was respected by all who knew him for his integrity and indefatigable attention to public business . he passed his younger days perpetually occupied by the affairs of his country a variety of circumstances had prevented his marrying early , nor was it until the decline of life that he became a husband and the father of a family . as the circumstances of his marriage illustrate his character , i cannot refrain from relating them . one of his most intimate friends was a merchant who , from a flourishing state , fell , through numerous mischances , into poverty . this man , whose name was beaufort , was of a proud and unbending disposition and could not bear to live in poverty and oblivion in the same country where he had formerly been distinguished for his rank and magnificence . having paid his debts , therefore , in the most honourable manner , he retreated with his daughter to the town of lucerne , where he lived unknown and in wretchedness . my father loved beaufort with the truest friendship and was deeply grieved by his retreat in these unfortunate circumstances . he bitterly deplored the false pride which led his friend to a conduct so little worthy of the affection that united them . he lost no time in endeavouring to seek him out , with the hope of persuading him to begin the world again through his credit and assistance . beaufort had taken effectual measures to conceal himself , and it was ten months before my father discovered his abode . overjoyed at this discovery , he hastened to the house , which was situated in a mean street near the reuss . but when he entered , misery and despair alone welcomed him . beaufort had saved but a very small sum of money from the wreck of his fortunes , but it was sufficient to provide him with sustenance for some months , and in the meantime he hoped to procure some respectable employment in a merchants house . the interval was , consequently , spent in inaction his grief only became more deep and rankling when he had leisure for reflection , and at length it took so fast hold of his mind that at the end of three months he lay on a bed of sickness , incapable of any exertion . his daughter attended him with the greatest tenderness , but she saw with despair that their little fund was rapidly decreasing and that there was no other prospect of support . but caroline beaufort possessed a mind of an uncommon mould , and her courage rose to support her in her adversity . she procured plain work she plaited straw and by various means contrived to earn a pittance scarcely sufficient to support life . several months passed in this manner . her father grew worse her time was more entirely occupied in attending him her means of subsistence decreased and in the tenth month her father died in her arms , leaving her an orphan and a beggar . this last blow overcame her , and she knelt by beauforts coffin weeping bitterly , when my father entered the chamber . he came like a protecting spirit to the poor girl , who committed herself to his care and after the interment of his friend he conducted her to geneva and placed her under the protection of a relation . two years after this event caroline became his wife . there was a considerable difference between the ages of my parents , but this circumstance seemed to unite them only closer in bonds of devoted affection . there was a sense of justice in my fathers upright mind which rendered it necessary that he should approve highly to love strongly . perhaps during former years he had suffered from the late discovered unworthiness of one beloved and so was disposed to set a greater value on tried worth . there was a show of gratitude and worship in his attachment to my mother , differing wholly from the doting fondness of age , for it was inspired by reverence for her virtues and a desire to be the means of , in some degree , recompensing her for the sorrows she had endured , but which gave inexpressible grace to his behaviour to her . everything was made to yield to her wishes and her convenience . he strove to shelter her , as a fair exotic is sheltered by the gardener , from every rougher wind and to surround her with all that could tend to excite pleasurable emotion in her soft and benevolent mind . her health , and even the tranquillity of her hitherto constant spirit , had been shaken by what she had gone through . during the two years that had elapsed previous to their marriage my father had gradually relinquished all his public functions and immediately after their union they sought the pleasant climate of italy , and the change of scene and interest attendant on a tour through that land of wonders , as a restorative for her weakened frame . from italy they visited germany and france . i , their eldest child , was born at naples , and as an infant accompanied them in their rambles . i remained for several years their only child . much as they were attached to each other , they seemed to draw inexhaustible stores of affection from a very mine of love to bestow them upon me . my mothers tender caresses and my fathers smile of benevolent pleasure while regarding me are my first recollections . i was their plaything and their idol , and something bettertheir child , the innocent and helpless creature bestowed on them by heaven , whom to bring up to good , and whose future lot it was in their hands to direct to happiness or misery , according as they fulfilled their duties towards me . with this deep consciousness of what they owed towards the being to which they had given life , added to the active spirit of tenderness that animated both , it may be imagined that while during every hour of my infant life i received a lesson of patience , of charity , and of self control, , i was so guided by a silken cord that all seemed but one train of enjoyment to me . for a long time i was their only care . my mother had much desired to have a daughter , but i continued their single offspring . when i was about five years old , while making an excursion beyond the frontiers of italy , they passed a week on the shores of the lake of como . their benevolent disposition often made them enter the cottages of the poor . this , to my mother , was more than a duty it was a necessity , a passionremembering what she had suffered , and how she had been relievedfor her to act in her turn the guardian angel to the afflicted . during one of their walks a poor cot in the foldings of a vale attracted their notice as being singularly disconsolate , while the number of half clothed children gathered about it spoke of penury in its worst shape . one day , when my father had gone by himself to milan , my mother , accompanied by me , visited this abode . she found a peasant and his wife , hard working , bent down by care and labour , distributing a scanty meal to five hungry babes . among these there was one which attracted my mother far above all the rest . she appeared of a different stock . the four others were dark eyed, , hardy little vagrants this child was thin and very fair . her hair was the brightest living gold , and despite the poverty of her clothing , seemed to set a crown of distinction on her head . her brow was clear and ample , her blue eyes cloudless , and her lips and the moulding of her face so expressive of sensibility and sweetness that none could behold her without looking on her as of a distinct species , a being heaven sent, , and bearing a celestial stamp in all her features . the peasant woman , perceiving that my mother fixed eyes of wonder and admiration on this lovely girl , eagerly communicated her history . she was not her child , but the daughter of a milanese nobleman . her mother was a german and had died on giving her birth . the infant had been placed with these good people to nurse they were better off then . they had not been long married , and their eldest child was but just born . the father of their charge was one of those italians nursed in the memory of the antique glory of italyone among the schiavi ognor frementi , who exerted himself to obtain the liberty of his country . he became the victim of its weakness . whether he had died or still lingered in the dungeons of austria was not known . his property was confiscated his child became an orphan and a beggar . she continued with her foster parents and bloomed in their rude abode , fairer than a garden rose among dark leaved brambles . when my father returned from milan , he found playing with me in the hall of our villa a child fairer than pictured cheruba creature who seemed to shed radiance from her looks and whose form and motions were lighter than the chamois of the hills . the apparition was soon explained . with his permission my mother prevailed on her rustic guardians to yield their charge to her . they were fond of the sweet orphan . her presence had seemed a blessing to them , but it would be unfair to her to keep her in poverty and want when providence afforded her such powerful protection . they consulted their village priest , and the result was that elizabeth lavenza became the inmate of my parents housemy more than sisterthe beautiful and adored companion of all my occupations and my pleasures . everyone loved elizabeth . the passionate and almost reverential attachment with which all regarded her became , while i shared it , my pride and my delight . on the evening previous to her being brought to my home , my mother had said playfully , i have a pretty present for my victortomorrow he shall have it . and when , on the morrow , she presented elizabeth to me as her promised gift , i , with childish seriousness , interpreted her words literally and looked upon elizabeth as minemine to protect , love , and cherish . all praises bestowed on her i received as made to a possession of my own . we called each other familiarly by the name of cousin . no word , no expression could body forth the kind of relation in which she stood to memy more than sister , since till death she was to be mine only . chapter we were brought up together there was not quite a year difference in our ages . i need not say that we were strangers to any species of disunion or dispute . harmony was the soul of our companionship , and the diversity and contrast that subsisted in our characters drew us nearer together . elizabeth was of a calmer and more concentrated disposition but , with all my ardour , i was capable of a more intense application and was more deeply smitten with the thirst for knowledge . she busied herself with following the aerial creations of the poets and in the majestic and wondrous scenes which surrounded our swiss home the sublime shapes of the mountains , the changes of the seasons , tempest and calm , the silence of winter , and the life and turbulence of our alpine summersshe found ample scope for admiration and delight . while my companion contemplated with a serious and satisfied spirit the magnificent appearances of things , i delighted in investigating their causes . the world was to me a secret which i desired to divine . curiosity , earnest research to learn the hidden laws of nature , gladness akin to rapture , as they were unfolded to me , are among the earliest sensations i can remember . on the birth of a second son , my junior by seven years , my parents gave up entirely their wandering life and fixed themselves in their native country . we possessed a house in geneva , and a campagne on belrive , the eastern shore of the lake , at the distance of rather more than a league from the city . we resided principally in the latter , and the lives of my parents were passed in considerable seclusion . it was my temper to avoid a crowd and to attach myself fervently to a few . i was indifferent , therefore , to my school fellows in general but i united myself in the bonds of the closest friendship to one among them . henry clerval was the son of a merchant of geneva . he was a boy of singular talent and fancy . he loved enterprise , hardship , and even danger for its own sake . he was deeply read in books of chivalry and romance . he composed heroic songs and began to write many a tale of enchantment and knightly adventure . he tried to make us act plays and to enter into masquerades , in which the characters were drawn from the heroes of roncesvalles , of the round table of king arthur , and the chivalrous train who shed their blood to redeem the holy sepulchre from the hands of the infidels . no human being could have passed a happier childhood than myself . my parents were possessed by the very spirit of kindness and indulgence . we felt that they were not the tyrants to rule our lot according to their caprice , but the agents and creators of all the many delights which we enjoyed . when i mingled with other families i distinctly discerned how peculiarly fortunate my lot was , and gratitude assisted the development of filial love . my temper was sometimes violent , and my passions vehement but by some law in my temperature they were turned not towards childish pursuits but to an eager desire to learn , and not to learn all things indiscriminately . i confess that neither the structure of languages , nor the code of governments , nor the politics of various states possessed attractions for me . it was the secrets of heaven and earth that i desired to learn and whether it was the outward substance of things or the inner spirit of nature and the mysterious soul of man that occupied me , still my inquiries were directed to the metaphysical , or in its highest sense , the physical secrets of the world . meanwhile clerval occupied himself , so to speak , with the moral relations of things . the busy stage of life , the virtues of heroes , and the actions of men were his theme and his hope and his dream was to become one among those whose names are recorded in story as the gallant and adventurous benefactors of our species . the saintly soul of elizabeth shone like a shrine dedicated lamp in our peaceful home . her sympathy was ours her smile , her soft voice , the sweet glance of her celestial eyes , were ever there to bless and animate us . she was the living spirit of love to soften and attract i might have become sullen in my study , rough through the ardour of my nature , but that she was there to subdue me to a semblance of her own gentleness . and clervalcould aught ill entrench on the noble spirit of clerval . yet he might not have been so perfectly humane , so thoughtful in his generosity , so full of kindness and tenderness amidst his passion for adventurous exploit , had she not unfolded to him the real loveliness of beneficence and made the doing good the end and aim of his soaring ambition . i feel exquisite pleasure in dwelling on the recollections of childhood , before misfortune had tainted my mind and changed its bright visions of extensive usefulness into gloomy and narrow reflections upon self . besides , in drawing the picture of my early days , i also record those events which led , by insensible steps , to my after tale of misery , for when i would account to myself for the birth of that passion which afterwards ruled my destiny i find it arise , like a mountain river , from ignoble and almost forgotten sources but , swelling as it proceeded , it became the torrent which , in its course , has swept away all my hopes and joys . natural philosophy is the genius that has regulated my fate i desire , therefore , in this narration , to state those facts which led to my predilection for that science . when i was thirteen years of age we all went on a party of pleasure to the baths near thonon the inclemency of the weather obliged us to remain a day confined to the inn . in this house i chanced to find a volume of the works of cornelius agrippa . i opened it with apathy the theory which he attempts to demonstrate and the wonderful facts which he relates soon changed this feeling into enthusiasm . a new light seemed to dawn upon my mind , and bounding with joy , i communicated my discovery to my father . my father looked carelessly at the title page of my book and said , ah . cornelius agrippa . my dear victor , do not waste your time upon this it is sad trash . if , instead of this remark , my father had taken the pains to explain to me that the principles of agrippa had been entirely exploded and that a modern system of science had been introduced which possessed much greater powers than the ancient , because the powers of the latter were chimerical , while those of the former were real and practical , under such circumstances i should certainly have thrown agrippa aside and have contented my imagination , warmed as it was , by returning with greater ardour to my former studies . it is even possible that the train of my ideas would never have received the fatal impulse that led to my ruin . but the cursory glance my father had taken of my volume by no means assured me that he was acquainted with its contents , and i continued to read with the greatest avidity . when i returned home my first care was to procure the whole works of this author , and afterwards of paracelsus and albertus magnus . i read and studied the wild fancies of these writers with delight they appeared to me treasures known to few besides myself . i have described myself as always having been imbued with a fervent longing to penetrate the secrets of nature . in spite of the intense labour and wonderful discoveries of modern philosophers , i always came from my studies discontented and unsatisfied . sir isaac newton is said to have avowed that he felt like a child picking up shells beside the great and unexplored ocean of truth . those of his successors in each branch of natural philosophy with whom i was acquainted appeared even to my boys apprehensions as tyros engaged in the same pursuit . the untaught peasant beheld the elements around him and was acquainted with their practical uses . the most learned philosopher knew little more . he had partially unveiled the face of nature , but her immortal lineaments were still a wonder and a mystery . he might dissect , anatomise , and give names but , not to speak of a final cause , causes in their secondary and tertiary grades were utterly unknown to him . i had gazed upon the fortifications and impediments that seemed to keep human beings from entering the citadel of nature , and rashly and ignorantly i had repined . but here were books , and here were men who had penetrated deeper and knew more . i took their word for all that they averred , and i became their disciple . it may appear strange that such should arise in the eighteenth century but while i followed the routine of education in the schools of geneva , i was , to a great degree , self taught with regard to my favourite studies . my father was not scientific , and i was left to struggle with a childs blindness , added to a students thirst for knowledge . under the guidance of my new preceptors i entered with the greatest diligence into the search of the philosophers stone and the elixir of life but the latter soon obtained my undivided attention . wealth was an inferior object , but what glory would attend the discovery if i could banish disease from the human frame and render man invulnerable to any but a violent death . nor were these my only visions . the raising of ghosts or devils was a promise liberally accorded by my favourite authors , the fulfilment of which i most eagerly sought and if my incantations were always unsuccessful , i attributed the failure rather to my own inexperience and mistake than to a want of skill or fidelity in my instructors . and thus for a time i was occupied by exploded systems , mingling , like an unadept , a thousand contradictory theories and floundering desperately in a very slough of multifarious knowledge , guided by an ardent imagination and childish reasoning , till an accident again changed the current of my ideas . when i was about fifteen years old we had retired to our house near belrive , when we witnessed a most violent and terrible thunderstorm . it advanced from behind the mountains of jura , and the thunder burst at once with frightful loudness from various quarters of the heavens . i remained , while the storm lasted , watching its progress with curiosity and delight . as i stood at the door , on a sudden i beheld a stream of fire issue from an old and beautiful oak which stood about twenty yards from our house and so soon as the dazzling light vanished , the oak had disappeared , and nothing remained but a blasted stump . when we visited it the next morning , we found the tree shattered in a singular manner . it was not splintered by the shock , but entirely reduced to thin ribbons of wood . i never beheld anything so utterly destroyed . before this i was not unacquainted with the more obvious laws of electricity . on this occasion a man of great research in natural philosophy was with us , and excited by this catastrophe , he entered on the explanation of a theory which he had formed on the subject of electricity and galvanism , which was at once new and astonishing to me . all that he said threw greatly into the shade cornelius agrippa , albertus magnus , and paracelsus , the lords of my imagination but by some fatality the overthrow of these men disinclined me to pursue my accustomed studies . it seemed to me as if nothing would or could ever be known . all that had so long engaged my attention suddenly grew despicable . by one of those caprices of the mind which we are perhaps most subject to in early youth , i at once gave up my former occupations , set down natural history and all its progeny as a deformed and abortive creation , and entertained the greatest disdain for a would be science which could never even step within the threshold of real knowledge . in this mood of mind i betook myself to the mathematics and the branches of study appertaining to that science as being built upon secure foundations , and so worthy of my consideration . thus strangely are our souls constructed , and by such slight ligaments are we bound to prosperity or ruin . when i look back , it seems to me as if this almost miraculous change of inclination and will was the immediate suggestion of the guardian angel of my lifethe last effort made by the spirit of preservation to avert the storm that was even then hanging in the stars and ready to envelop me . her victory was announced by an unusual tranquillity and gladness of soul which followed the relinquishing of my ancient and latterly tormenting studies . it was thus that i was to be taught to associate evil with their prosecution , happiness with their disregard . it was a strong effort of the spirit of good , but it was ineffectual . destiny was too potent , and her immutable laws had decreed my utter and terrible destruction . chapter when i had attained the age of seventeen my parents resolved that i should become a student at the university of ingolstadt . i had hitherto attended the schools of geneva , but my father thought it necessary for the completion of my education that i should be made acquainted with other customs than those of my native country . my departure was therefore fixed at an early date , but before the day resolved upon could arrive , the first misfortune of my life occurredan omen , as it were , of my future misery . elizabeth had caught the scarlet fever her illness was severe , and she was in the greatest danger . during her illness many arguments had been urged to persuade my mother to refrain from attending upon her . she had at first yielded to our entreaties , but when she heard that the life of her favourite was menaced , she could no longer control her anxiety . she attended her sickbed her watchful attentions triumphed over the malignity of the distemperelizabeth was saved , but the consequences of this imprudence were fatal to her preserver . on the third day my mother sickened her fever was accompanied by the most alarming symptoms , and the looks of her medical attendants prognosticated the worst event . on her deathbed the fortitude and benignity of this best of women did not desert her . she joined the hands of elizabeth and myself . my children , she said , my firmest hopes of future happiness were placed on the prospect of your union . this expectation will now be the consolation of your father . elizabeth , my love , you must supply my place to my younger children . alas . i regret that i am taken from you and , happy and beloved as i have been , is it not hard to quit you all . but these are not thoughts befitting me i will endeavour to resign myself cheerfully to death and will indulge a hope of meeting you in another world . she died calmly , and her countenance expressed affection even in death . i need not describe the feelings of those whose dearest ties are rent by that most irreparable evil , the void that presents itself to the soul , and the despair that is exhibited on the countenance . it is so long before the mind can persuade itself that she whom we saw every day and whose very existence appeared a part of our own can have departed for everthat the brightness of a beloved eye can have been extinguished and the sound of a voice so familiar and dear to the ear can be hushed , never more to be heard . these are the reflections of the first days but when the lapse of time proves the reality of the evil , then the actual bitterness of grief commences . yet from whom has not that rude hand rent away some dear connection . and why should i describe a sorrow which all have felt , and must feel . the time at length arrives when grief is rather an indulgence than a necessity and the smile that plays upon the lips , although it may be deemed a sacrilege , is not banished . my mother was dead , but we had still duties which we ought to perform we must continue our course with the rest and learn to think ourselves fortunate whilst one remains whom the spoiler has not seized . my departure for ingolstadt , which had been deferred by these events , was now again determined upon . i obtained from my father a respite of some weeks . it appeared to me sacrilege so soon to leave the repose , akin to death , of the house of mourning and to rush into the thick of life . i was new to sorrow , but it did not the less alarm me . i was unwilling to quit the sight of those that remained to me , and above all , i desired to see my sweet elizabeth in some degree consoled . she indeed veiled her grief and strove to act the comforter to us all . she looked steadily on life and assumed its duties with courage and zeal . she devoted herself to those whom she had been taught to call her uncle and cousins . never was she so enchanting as at this time , when she recalled the sunshine of her smiles and spent them upon us . she forgot even her own regret in her endeavours to make us forget . the day of my departure at length arrived . clerval spent the last evening with us . he had endeavoured to persuade his father to permit him to accompany me and to become my fellow student , but in vain . his father was a narrow minded trader and saw idleness and ruin in the aspirations and ambition of his son . henry deeply felt the misfortune of being debarred from a liberal education . he said little , but when he spoke i read in his kindling eye and in his animated glance a restrained but firm resolve not to be chained to the miserable details of commerce . we sat late . we could not tear ourselves away from each other nor persuade ourselves to say the word farewell . it was said , and we retired under the pretence of seeking repose , each fancying that the other was deceived but when at mornings dawn i descended to the carriage which was to convey me away , they were all theremy father again to bless me , clerval to press my hand once more , my elizabeth to renew her entreaties that i would write often and to bestow the last feminine attentions on her playmate and friend . i threw myself into the chaise that was to convey me away and indulged in the most melancholy reflections . i , who had ever been surrounded by amiable companions , continually engaged in endeavouring to bestow mutual pleasurei was now alone . in the university whither i was going i must form my own friends and be my own protector . my life had hitherto been remarkably secluded and domestic , and this had given me invincible repugnance to new countenances . i loved my brothers , elizabeth , and clerval these were old familiar faces , but i believed myself totally unfitted for the company of strangers . such were my reflections as i commenced my journey but as i proceeded , my spirits and hopes rose . i ardently desired the acquisition of knowledge . i had often , when at home , thought it hard to remain during my youth cooped up in one place and had longed to enter the world and take my station among other human beings . now my desires were complied with , and it would , indeed , have been folly to repent . i had sufficient leisure for these and many other reflections during my journey to ingolstadt , which was long and fatiguing . at length the high white steeple of the town met my eyes . i alighted and was conducted to my solitary apartment to spend the evening as i pleased . the next morning i delivered my letters of introduction and paid a visit to some of the principal professors . chanceor rather the evil influence , the angel of destruction , which asserted omnipotent sway over me from the moment i turned my reluctant steps from my fathers doorled me first to m . krempe , professor of natural philosophy . he was an uncouth man , but deeply imbued in the secrets of his science . he asked me several questions concerning my progress in the different branches of science appertaining to natural philosophy . i replied carelessly , and partly in contempt , mentioned the names of my alchemists as the principal authors i had studied . the professor stared . have you , he said , really spent your time in studying such nonsense . i replied in the affirmative . every minute , continued m . krempe with warmth , every instant that you have wasted on those books is utterly and entirely lost . you have burdened your memory with exploded systems and useless names . good god . in what desert land have you lived , where no one was kind enough to inform you that these fancies which you have so greedily imbibed are a thousand years old and as musty as they are ancient . i little expected , in this enlightened and scientific age , to find a disciple of albertus magnus and paracelsus . my dear sir , you must begin your studies entirely anew . so saying , he stepped aside and wrote down a list of several books treating of natural philosophy which he desired me to procure , and dismissed me after mentioning that in the beginning of the following week he intended to commence a course of lectures upon natural philosophy in its general relations , and that m . waldman , a fellow professor , would lecture upon chemistry the alternate days that he omitted . i returned home not disappointed , for i have said that i had long considered those authors useless whom the professor reprobated but i returned not at all the more inclined to recur to these studies in any shape . m . krempe was a little squat man with a gruff voice and a repulsive countenance the teacher , therefore , did not prepossess me in favour of his pursuits . in rather a too philosophical and connected a strain , perhaps , i have given an account of the conclusions i had come to concerning them in my early years . as a child i had not been content with the results promised by the modern professors of natural science . with a confusion of ideas only to be accounted for by my extreme youth and my want of a guide on such matters , i had retrod the steps of knowledge along the paths of time and exchanged the discoveries of recent inquirers for the dreams of forgotten alchemists . besides , i had a contempt for the uses of modern natural philosophy . it was very different when the masters of the science sought immortality and power such views , although futile , were grand but now the scene was changed . the ambition of the inquirer seemed to limit itself to the annihilation of those visions on which my interest in science was chiefly founded . i was required to exchange chimeras of boundless grandeur for realities of little worth . such were my reflections during the first two or three days of my residence at ingolstadt , which were chiefly spent in becoming acquainted with the localities and the principal residents in my new abode . but as the ensuing week commenced , i thought of the information which m . krempe had given me concerning the lectures . and although i could not consent to go and hear that little conceited fellow deliver sentences out of a pulpit , i recollected what he had said of m . waldman , whom i had never seen , as he had hitherto been out of town . partly from curiosity and partly from idleness , i went into the lecturing room , which m . waldman entered shortly after . this professor was very unlike his colleague . he appeared about fifty years of age , but with an aspect expressive of the greatest benevolence a few grey hairs covered his temples , but those at the back of his head were nearly black . his person was short but remarkably erect and his voice the sweetest i had ever heard . he began his lecture by a recapitulation of the history of chemistry and the various improvements made by different men of learning , pronouncing with fervour the names of the most distinguished discoverers . he then took a cursory view of the present state of the science and explained many of its elementary terms . after having made a few preparatory experiments , he concluded with a panegyric upon modern chemistry , the terms of which i shall never forget the ancient teachers of this science , said he , promised impossibilities and performed nothing . the modern masters promise very little they know that metals cannot be transmuted and that the elixir of life is a chimera but these philosophers , whose hands seem only made to dabble in dirt , and their eyes to pore over the microscope or crucible , have indeed performed miracles . they penetrate into the recesses of nature and show how she works in her hiding places . they ascend into the heavens they have discovered how the blood circulates , and the nature of the air we breathe . they have acquired new and almost unlimited powers they can command the thunders of heaven , mimic the earthquake , and even mock the invisible world with its own shadows . such were the professors wordsrather let me say such the words of the fateenounced to destroy me . as he went on i felt as if my soul were grappling with a palpable enemy one by one the various keys were touched which formed the mechanism of my being chord after chord was sounded , and soon my mind was filled with one thought , one conception , one purpose . so much has been done , exclaimed the soul of frankensteinmore , far more , will i achieve treading in the steps already marked , i will pioneer a new way , explore unknown powers , and unfold to the world the deepest mysteries of creation . i closed not my eyes that night . my internal being was in a state of insurrection and turmoil i felt that order would thence arise , but i had no power to produce it . by degrees , after the mornings dawn , sleep came . i awoke , and my yesternights thoughts were as a dream . there only remained a resolution to return to my ancient studies and to devote myself to a science for which i believed myself to possess a natural talent . on the same day i paid m . waldman a visit . his manners in private were even more mild and attractive than in public , for there was a certain dignity in his mien during his lecture which in his own house was replaced by the greatest affability and kindness . i gave him pretty nearly the same account of my former pursuits as i had given to his fellow professor . he heard with attention the little narration concerning my studies and smiled at the names of cornelius agrippa and paracelsus , but without the contempt that m . krempe had exhibited . he said that these were men to whose indefatigable zeal modern philosophers were indebted for most of the foundations of their knowledge . they had left to us , as an easier task , to give new names and arrange in connected classifications the facts which they in a great degree had been the instruments of bringing to light . the labours of men of genius , however erroneously directed , scarcely ever fail in ultimately turning to the solid advantage of mankind . i listened to his statement , which was delivered without any presumption or affectation , and then added that his lecture had removed my prejudices against modern chemists i expressed myself in measured terms , with the modesty and deference due from a youth to his instructor , without letting escape inexperience in life would have made me ashamed any of the enthusiasm which stimulated my intended labours . i requested his advice concerning the books i ought to procure . i am happy , said m . waldman , to have gained a disciple and if your application equals your ability , i have no doubt of your success . chemistry is that branch of natural philosophy in which the greatest improvements have been and may be made it is on that account that i have made it my peculiar study but at the same time , i have not neglected the other branches of science . a man would make but a very sorry chemist if he attended to that department of human knowledge alone . if your wish is to become really a man of science and not merely a petty experimentalist , i should advise you to apply to every branch of natural philosophy , including mathematics . he then took me into his laboratory and explained to me the uses of his various machines , instructing me as to what i ought to procure and promising me the use of his own when i should have advanced far enough in the science not to derange their mechanism . he also gave me the list of books which i had requested , and i took my leave . thus ended a day memorable to me it decided my future destiny . chapter from this day natural philosophy , and particularly chemistry , in the most comprehensive sense of the term , became nearly my sole occupation . i read with ardour those works , so full of genius and discrimination , which modern inquirers have written on these subjects . i attended the lectures and cultivated the acquaintance of the men of science of the university , and i found even in m . krempe a great deal of sound sense and real information , combined , it is true , with a repulsive physiognomy and manners , but not on that account the less valuable . in m . waldman i found a true friend . his gentleness was never tinged by dogmatism , and his instructions were given with an air of frankness and good nature that banished every idea of pedantry . in a thousand ways he smoothed for me the path of knowledge and made the most abstruse inquiries clear and facile to my apprehension . my application was at first fluctuating and uncertain it gained strength as i proceeded and soon became so ardent and eager that the stars often disappeared in the light of morning whilst i was yet engaged in my laboratory . as i applied so closely , it may be easily conceived that my progress was rapid . my ardour was indeed the astonishment of the students , and my proficiency that of the masters . professor krempe often asked me , with a sly smile , how cornelius agrippa went on , whilst m . waldman expressed the most heartfelt exultation in my progress . two years passed in this manner , during which i paid no visit to geneva , but was engaged , heart and soul , in the pursuit of some discoveries which i hoped to make . none but those who have experienced them can conceive of the enticements of science . in other studies you go as far as others have gone before you , and there is nothing more to know but in a scientific pursuit there is continual food for discovery and wonder . a mind of moderate capacity which closely pursues one study must infallibly arrive at great proficiency in that study and i , who continually sought the attainment of one object of pursuit and was solely wrapped up in this , improved so rapidly that at the end of two years i made some discoveries in the improvement of some chemical instruments , which procured me great esteem and admiration at the university . when i had arrived at this point and had become as well acquainted with the theory and practice of natural philosophy as depended on the lessons of any of the professors at ingolstadt , my residence there being no longer conducive to my improvements , i thought of returning to my friends and my native town , when an incident happened that protracted my stay . one of the phenomena which had peculiarly attracted my attention was the structure of the human frame , and , indeed , any animal endued with life . whence , i often asked myself , did the principle of life proceed . it was a bold question , and one which has ever been considered as a mystery yet with how many things are we upon the brink of becoming acquainted , if cowardice or carelessness did not restrain our inquiries . i revolved these circumstances in my mind and determined thenceforth to apply myself more particularly to those branches of natural philosophy which relate to physiology . unless i had been animated by an almost supernatural enthusiasm , my application to this study would have been irksome and almost intolerable . to examine the causes of life , we must first have recourse to death . i became acquainted with the science of anatomy , but this was not sufficient i must also observe the natural decay and corruption of the human body . in my education my father had taken the greatest precautions that my mind should be impressed with no supernatural horrors . i do not ever remember to have trembled at a tale of superstition or to have feared the apparition of a spirit . darkness had no effect upon my fancy , and a churchyard was to me merely the receptacle of bodies deprived of life , which , from being the seat of beauty and strength , had become food for the worm . now i was led to examine the cause and progress of this decay and forced to spend days and nights in vaults and charnel houses . my attention was fixed upon every object the most insupportable to the delicacy of the human feelings . i saw how the fine form of man was degraded and wasted i beheld the corruption of death succeed to the blooming cheek of life i saw how the worm inherited the wonders of the eye and brain . i paused , examining and analysing all the minutiae of causation , as exemplified in the change from life to death , and death to life , until from the midst of this darkness a sudden light broke in upon mea light so brilliant and wondrous , yet so simple , that while i became dizzy with the immensity of the prospect which it illustrated , i was surprised that among so many men of genius who had directed their inquiries towards the same science , that i alone should be reserved to discover so astonishing a secret . remember , i am not recording the vision of a madman . the sun does not more certainly shine in the heavens than that which i now affirm is true . some miracle might have produced it , yet the stages of the discovery were distinct and probable . after days and nights of incredible labour and fatigue , i succeeded in discovering the cause of generation and life nay , more , i became myself capable of bestowing animation upon lifeless matter . the astonishment which i had at first experienced on this discovery soon gave place to delight and rapture . after so much time spent in painful labour , to arrive at once at the summit of my desires was the most gratifying consummation of my toils . but this discovery was so great and overwhelming that all the steps by which i had been progressively led to it were obliterated , and i beheld only the result . what had been the study and desire of the wisest men since the creation of the world was now within my grasp . not that , like a magic scene , it all opened upon me at once the information i had obtained was of a nature rather to direct my endeavours so soon as i should point them towards the object of my search than to exhibit that object already accomplished . i was like the arabian who had been buried with the dead and found a passage to life , aided only by one glimmering and seemingly ineffectual light . i see by your eagerness and the wonder and hope which your eyes express , my friend , that you expect to be informed of the secret with which i am acquainted that cannot be listen patiently until the end of my story , and you will easily perceive why i am reserved upon that subject . i will not lead you on , unguarded and ardent as i then was , to your destruction and infallible misery . learn from me , if not by my precepts , at least by my example , how dangerous is the acquirement of knowledge and how much happier that man is who believes his native town to be the world , than he who aspires to become greater than his nature will allow . when i found so astonishing a power placed within my hands , i hesitated a long time concerning the manner in which i should employ it . although i possessed the capacity of bestowing animation , yet to prepare a frame for the reception of it , with all its intricacies of fibres , muscles , and veins , still remained a work of inconceivable difficulty and labour . i doubted at first whether i should attempt the creation of a being like myself , or one of simpler organization but my imagination was too much exalted by my first success to permit me to doubt of my ability to give life to an animal as complex and wonderful as man . the materials at present within my command hardly appeared adequate to so arduous an undertaking , but i doubted not that i should ultimately succeed . i prepared myself for a multitude of reverses my operations might be incessantly baffled , and at last my work be imperfect , yet when i considered the improvement which every day takes place in science and mechanics , i was encouraged to hope my present attempts would at least lay the foundations of future success . nor could i consider the magnitude and complexity of my plan as any argument of its impracticability . it was with these feelings that i began the creation of a human being . as the minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed , i resolved , contrary to my first intention , to make the being of a gigantic stature , that is to say , about eight feet in height , and proportionably large . after having formed this determination and having spent some months in successfully collecting and arranging my materials , i began . no one can conceive the variety of feelings which bore me onwards , like a hurricane , in the first enthusiasm of success . life and death appeared to me ideal bounds , which i should first break through , and pour a torrent of light into our dark world . a new species would bless me as its creator and source many happy and excellent natures would owe their being to me . no father could claim the gratitude of his child so completely as i should deserve theirs . pursuing these reflections , i thought that if i could bestow animation upon lifeless matter , i might in process of time renew life where death had apparently devoted the body to corruption . these thoughts supported my spirits , while i pursued my undertaking with unremitting ardour . my cheek had grown pale with study , and my person had become emaciated with confinement . sometimes , on the very brink of certainty , i failed yet still i clung to the hope which the next day or the next hour might realise . one secret which i alone possessed was the hope to which i had dedicated myself and the moon gazed on my midnight labours , while , with unrelaxed and breathless eagerness , i pursued nature to her hiding places . who shall conceive the horrors of my secret toil as i dabbled among the unhallowed damps of the grave or tortured the living animal to animate the lifeless clay . my limbs now tremble , and my eyes swim with the remembrance but then a resistless and almost frantic impulse urged me forward i seemed to have lost all soul or sensation but for this one pursuit . it was indeed but a passing trance , that only made me feel with renewed acuteness so soon as , the unnatural stimulus ceasing to operate , i had returned to my old habits . i collected bones from charnel houses and disturbed , with profane fingers , the tremendous secrets of the human frame . in a solitary chamber , or rather cell , at the top of the house , and separated from all the other apartments by a gallery and staircase , i kept my workshop of filthy creation my eyeballs were starting from their sockets in attending to the details of my employment . the dissecting room and the slaughter house furnished many of my materials and often did my human nature turn with loathing from my occupation , whilst , still urged on by an eagerness which perpetually increased , i brought my work near to a conclusion . the summer months passed while i was thus engaged , heart and soul , in one pursuit . it was a most beautiful season never did the fields bestow a more plentiful harvest or the vines yield a more luxuriant vintage , but my eyes were insensible to the charms of nature . and the same feelings which made me neglect the scenes around me caused me also to forget those friends who were so many miles absent , and whom i had not seen for so long a time . i knew my silence disquieted them , and i well remembered the words of my father i know that while you are pleased with yourself you will think of us with affection , and we shall hear regularly from you . you must pardon me if i regard any interruption in your correspondence as a proof that your other duties are equally neglected . i knew well therefore what would be my fathers feelings , but i could not tear my thoughts from my employment , loathsome in itself , but which had taken an irresistible hold of my imagination . i wished , as it were , to procrastinate all that related to my feelings of affection until the great object , which swallowed up every habit of my nature , should be completed . i then thought that my father would be unjust if he ascribed my neglect to vice or faultiness on my part , but i am now convinced that he was justified in conceiving that i should not be altogether free from blame . a human being in perfection ought always to preserve a calm and peaceful mind and never to allow passion or a transitory desire to disturb his tranquillity . i do not think that the pursuit of knowledge is an exception to this rule . if the study to which you apply yourself has a tendency to weaken your affections and to destroy your taste for those simple pleasures in which no alloy can possibly mix , then that study is certainly unlawful , that is to say , not befitting the human mind . if this rule were always observed if no man allowed any pursuit whatsoever to interfere with the tranquillity of his domestic affections , greece had not been enslaved , csar would have spared his country , america would have been discovered more gradually , and the empires of mexico and peru had not been destroyed . but i forget that i am moralizing in the most interesting part of my tale , and your looks remind me to proceed . my father made no reproach in his letters and only took notice of my silence by inquiring into my occupations more particularly than before . winter , spring , and summer passed away during my labours but i did not watch the blossom or the expanding leavessights which before always yielded me supreme delightso deeply was i engrossed in my occupation . the leaves of that year had withered before my work drew near to a close , and now every day showed me more plainly how well i had succeeded . but my enthusiasm was checked by my anxiety , and i appeared rather like one doomed by slavery to toil in the mines , or any other unwholesome trade than an artist occupied by his favourite employment . every night i was oppressed by a slow fever , and i became nervous to a most painful degree the fall of a leaf startled me , and i shunned my fellow creatures as if i had been guilty of a crime . sometimes i grew alarmed at the wreck i perceived that i had become the energy of my purpose alone sustained me my labours would soon end , and i believed that exercise and amusement would then drive away incipient disease and i promised myself both of these when my creation should be complete . chapter it was on a dreary night of november that i beheld the accomplishment of my toils . with an anxiety that almost amounted to agony , i collected the instruments of life around me , that i might infuse a spark of being into the lifeless thing that lay at my feet . it was already one in the morning the rain pattered dismally against the panes , and my candle was nearly burnt out , when , by the glimmer of the half extinguished light , i saw the dull yellow eye of the creature open it breathed hard , and a convulsive motion agitated its limbs . how can i describe my emotions at this catastrophe , or how delineate the wretch whom with such infinite pains and care i had endeavoured to form . his limbs were in proportion , and i had selected his features as beautiful . beautiful . great god . his yellow skin scarcely covered the work of muscles and arteries beneath his hair was of a lustrous black , and flowing his teeth of a pearly whiteness but these luxuriances only formed a more horrid contrast with his watery eyes , that seemed almost of the same colour as the dun white sockets in which they were set , his shrivelled complexion and straight black lips . the different accidents of life are not so changeable as the feelings of human nature . i had worked hard for nearly two years , for the sole purpose of infusing life into an inanimate body . for this i had deprived myself of rest and health . i had desired it with an ardour that far exceeded moderation but now that i had finished , the beauty of the dream vanished , and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart . unable to endure the aspect of the being i had created , i rushed out of the room and continued a long time traversing my bed chamber, , unable to compose my mind to sleep . at length lassitude succeeded to the tumult i had before endured , and i threw myself on the bed in my clothes , endeavouring to seek a few moments of forgetfulness . but it was in vain i slept , indeed , but i was disturbed by the wildest dreams . i thought i saw elizabeth , in the bloom of health , walking in the streets of ingolstadt . delighted and surprised , i embraced her , but as i imprinted the first kiss on her lips , they became livid with the hue of death her features appeared to change , and i thought that i held the corpse of my dead mother in my arms a shroud enveloped her form , and i saw the grave worms crawling in the folds of the flannel . i started from my sleep with horror a cold dew covered my forehead , my teeth chattered , and every limb became convulsed when , by the dim and yellow light of the moon , as it forced its way through the window shutters , i beheld the wretchthe miserable monster whom i had created . he held up the curtain of the bed and his eyes , if eyes they may be called , were fixed on me . his jaws opened , and he muttered some inarticulate sounds , while a grin wrinkled his cheeks . he might have spoken , but i did not hear one hand was stretched out , seemingly to detain me , but i escaped and rushed downstairs . i took refuge in the courtyard belonging to the house which i inhabited , where i remained during the rest of the night , walking up and down in the greatest agitation , listening attentively , catching and fearing each sound as if it were to announce the approach of the demoniacal corpse to which i had so miserably given life . oh . no mortal could support the horror of that countenance . a mummy again endued with animation could not be so hideous as that wretch . i had gazed on him while unfinished he was ugly then , but when those muscles and joints were rendered capable of motion , it became a thing such as even dante could not have conceived . i passed the night wretchedly . sometimes my pulse beat so quickly and hardly that i felt the palpitation of every artery at others , i nearly sank to the ground through languor and extreme weakness . mingled with this horror , i felt the bitterness of disappointment dreams that had been my food and pleasant rest for so long a space were now become a hell to me and the change was so rapid , the overthrow so complete . morning , dismal and wet , at length dawned and discovered to my sleepless and aching eyes the church of ingolstadt , its white steeple and clock , which indicated the sixth hour . the porter opened the gates of the court , which had that night been my asylum , and i issued into the streets , pacing them with quick steps , as if i sought to avoid the wretch whom i feared every turning of the street would present to my view . i did not dare return to the apartment which i inhabited , but felt impelled to hurry on , although drenched by the rain which poured from a black and comfortless sky . i continued walking in this manner for some time , endeavouring by bodily exercise to ease the load that weighed upon my mind . i traversed the streets without any clear conception of where i was or what i was doing . my heart palpitated in the sickness of fear , and i hurried on with irregular steps , not daring to look about me like one who , on a lonely road , doth walk in fear and dread , and , having once turned round , walks on , and turns no more his head because he knows a frightful fiend doth close behind him tread . continuing thus , i came at length opposite to the inn at which the various diligences and carriages usually stopped . here i paused , i knew not why but i remained some minutes with my eyes fixed on a coach that was coming towards me from the other end of the street . as it drew nearer i observed that it was the swiss diligence it stopped just where i was standing , and on the door being opened , i perceived henry clerval , who , on seeing me , instantly sprung out . my dear frankenstein , exclaimed he , how glad i am to see you . how fortunate that you should be here at the very moment of my alighting . nothing could equal my delight on seeing clerval his presence brought back to my thoughts my father , elizabeth , and all those scenes of home so dear to my recollection . i grasped his hand , and in a moment forgot my horror and misfortune i felt suddenly , and for the first time during many months , calm and serene joy . i welcomed my friend , therefore , in the most cordial manner , and we walked towards my college . clerval continued talking for some time about our mutual friends and his own good fortune in being permitted to come to ingolstadt . you may easily believe , said he , how great was the difficulty to persuade my father that all necessary knowledge was not comprised in the noble art of book keeping and , indeed , i believe i left him incredulous to the last , for his constant answer to my unwearied entreaties was the same as that of the dutch schoolmaster in the vicar of wakefield i have ten thousand florins a year without greek , i eat heartily without greek . but his affection for me at length overcame his dislike of learning , and he has permitted me to undertake a voyage of discovery to the land of knowledge . it gives me the greatest delight to see you but tell me how you left my father , brothers , and elizabeth . very well , and very happy , only a little uneasy that they hear from you so seldom . by the by , i mean to lecture you a little upon their account myself . but , my dear frankenstein , continued he , stopping short and gazing full in my face , i did not before remark how very ill you appear so thin and pale you look as if you had been watching for several nights . you have guessed right i have lately been so deeply engaged in one occupation that i have not allowed myself sufficient rest , as you see but i hope , i sincerely hope , that all these employments are now at an end and that i am at length free . i trembled excessively i could not endure to think of , and far less to allude to , the occurrences of the preceding night . i walked with a quick pace , and we soon arrived at my college . i then reflected , and the thought made me shiver , that the creature whom i had left in my apartment might still be there , alive and walking about . i dreaded to behold this monster , but i feared still more that henry should see him . entreating him , therefore , to remain a few minutes at the bottom of the stairs , i darted up towards my own room . my hand was already on the lock of the door before i recollected myself . i then paused , and a cold shivering came over me . i threw the door forcibly open , as children are accustomed to do when they expect a spectre to stand in waiting for them on the other side but nothing appeared . i stepped fearfully in the apartment was empty , and my bedroom was also freed from its hideous guest . i could hardly believe that so great a good fortune could have befallen me , but when i became assured that my enemy had indeed fled , i clapped my hands for joy and ran down to clerval . we ascended into my room , and the servant presently brought breakfast but i was unable to contain myself . it was not joy only that possessed me i felt my flesh tingle with excess of sensitiveness , and my pulse beat rapidly . i was unable to remain for a single instant in the same place i jumped over the chairs , clapped my hands , and laughed aloud . clerval at first attributed my unusual spirits to joy on his arrival , but when he observed me more attentively , he saw a wildness in my eyes for which he could not account , and my loud , unrestrained , heartless laughter frightened and astonished him . my dear victor , cried he , what , for gods sake , is the matter . do not laugh in that manner . how ill you are . what is the cause of all this . do not ask me , cried i , putting my hands before my eyes , for i thought i saw the dreaded spectre glide into the room he can tell . oh , save me . save me . i imagined that the monster seized me i struggled furiously and fell down in a fit . poor clerval . what must have been his feelings . a meeting , which he anticipated with such joy , so strangely turned to bitterness . but i was not the witness of his grief , for i was lifeless and did not recover my senses for a long , time . this was the commencement of a nervous fever which confined me for several months . during all that time henry was my only nurse . i afterwards learned that , knowing my fathers advanced age and unfitness for so long a journey , and how wretched my sickness would make elizabeth , he spared them this grief by concealing the extent of my disorder . he knew that i could not have a more kind and attentive nurse than himself and , firm in the hope he felt of my recovery , he did not doubt that , instead of doing harm , he performed the kindest action that he could towards them . but i was in reality very ill , and surely nothing but the unbounded and unremitting attentions of my friend could have restored me to life . the form of the monster on whom i had bestowed existence was for ever before my eyes , and i raved incessantly concerning him . doubtless my words surprised henry he at first believed them to be the wanderings of my disturbed imagination , but the pertinacity with which i continually recurred to the same subject persuaded him that my disorder indeed owed its origin to some uncommon and terrible event . by very slow degrees , and with frequent relapses that alarmed and grieved my friend , i recovered . i remember the first time i became capable of observing outward objects with any kind of pleasure , i perceived that the fallen leaves had disappeared and that the young buds were shooting forth from the trees that shaded my window . it was a divine spring , and the season contributed greatly to my convalescence . i felt also sentiments of joy and affection revive in my bosom my gloom disappeared , and in a short time i became as cheerful as before i was attacked by the fatal passion . dearest clerval , exclaimed i , how kind , how very good you are to me . this whole winter , instead of being spent in study , as you promised yourself , has been consumed in my sick room . how shall i ever repay you . i feel the greatest remorse for the disappointment of which i have been the occasion , but you will forgive me . you will repay me entirely if you do not discompose yourself , but get well as fast as you can and since you appear in such good spirits , i may speak to you on one subject , may i not . i trembled . one subject . what could it be . could he allude to an object on whom i dared not even think . compose yourself , said clerval , who observed my change of colour , i will not mention it if it agitates you but your father and cousin would be very happy if they received a letter from you in your own handwriting . they hardly know how ill you have been and are uneasy at your long silence . is that all , my dear henry . how could you suppose that my first thought would not fly towards those dear , friends whom i love and who are so deserving of my love . if this is your present temper , my friend , you will perhaps be glad to see a letter that has been lying here some days for you it is from your cousin , i believe . chapter clerval then put the following letter into my hands . it was from my own elizabeth my dearest cousin , you have been ill , very ill , and even the constant letters of dear kind henry are not sufficient to reassure me on your account . you are forbidden to writeto hold a pen yet one word from you , dear victor , is necessary to calm our apprehensions . for a long time i have thought that each post would bring this line , and my persuasions have restrained my uncle from undertaking a journey to ingolstadt . i have prevented his encountering the inconveniences and perhaps dangers of so long a journey , yet how often have i regretted not being able to perform it myself . i figure to myself that the task of attending on your sickbed has devolved on some mercenary old nurse , who could never guess your wishes nor minister to them with the care and affection of your poor cousin . yet that is over now clerval writes that indeed you are getting better . i eagerly hope that you will confirm this intelligence soon in your own handwriting . get welland return to us . you will find a happy , cheerful home and friends who love you dearly . your fathers health is vigorous , and he asks but to see you , but to be assured that you are well and not a care will ever cloud his benevolent countenance . how pleased you would be to remark the improvement of our ernest . he is now sixteen and full of activity and spirit . he is desirous to be a true swiss and to enter into foreign service , but we cannot part with him , at least until his elder brother returns to us . my uncle is not pleased with the idea of a military career in a distant country , but ernest never had your powers of application . he looks upon study as an odious fetter his time is spent in the open air , climbing the hills or rowing on the lake . i fear that he will become an idler unless we yield the point and permit him to enter on the profession which he has selected . little alteration , except the growth of our dear children , has taken place since you left us . the blue lake and snow clad mountainsthey never change and i think our placid home and our contented hearts are regulated by the same immutable laws . my trifling occupations take up my time and amuse me , and i am rewarded for any exertions by seeing none but happy , kind faces around me . since you left us , but one change has taken place in our little household . do you remember on what occasion justine moritz entered our family . probably you do not i will relate her history , therefore in a few words . madame moritz , her mother , was a widow with four children , of whom justine was the third . this girl had always been the favourite of her father , but through a strange perversity , her mother could not endure her , and after the death of m . moritz , treated her very ill . my aunt observed this , and when justine was twelve years of age , prevailed on her mother to allow her to live at our house . the republican institutions of our country have produced simpler and happier manners than those which prevail in the great monarchies that surround it . hence there is less distinction between the several classes of its inhabitants and the lower orders , being neither so poor nor so despised , their manners are more refined and moral . a servant in geneva does not mean the same thing as a servant in france and england . justine , thus received in our family , learned the duties of a servant , a condition which , in our fortunate country , does not include the idea of ignorance and a sacrifice of the dignity of a human being . justine , you may remember , was a great favourite of yours and i recollect you once remarked that if you were in an ill humour , one glance from justine could dissipate it , for the same reason that ariosto gives concerning the beauty of angelicashe looked so frank hearted and happy . my aunt conceived a great attachment for her , by which she was induced to give her an education superior to that which she had at first intended . this benefit was fully repaid justine was the most grateful little creature in the world i do not mean that she made any professions i never heard one pass her lips , but you could see by her eyes that she almost adored her protectress . although her disposition was gay and in many respects inconsiderate , yet she paid the greatest attention to every gesture of my aunt . she thought her the model of all excellence and endeavoured to imitate her phraseology and manners , so that even now she often reminds me of her . when my dearest aunt died every one was too much occupied in their own grief to notice poor justine , who had attended her during her illness with the most anxious affection . poor justine was very ill but other trials were reserved for her . one by one , her brothers and sister died and her mother , with the exception of her neglected daughter , was left childless . the conscience of the woman was troubled she began to think that the deaths of her favourites was a judgement from heaven to chastise her partiality . she was a roman catholic and i believe her confessor confirmed the idea which she had conceived . accordingly , a few months after your departure for ingolstadt , justine was called home by her repentant mother . poor girl . she wept when she quitted our house she was much altered since the death of my aunt grief had given softness and a winning mildness to her manners , which had before been remarkable for vivacity . nor was her residence at her mothers house of a nature to restore her gaiety . the poor woman was very vacillating in her repentance . she sometimes begged justine to forgive her unkindness , but much oftener accused her of having caused the deaths of her brothers and sister . perpetual fretting at length threw madame moritz into a decline , which at first increased her irritability , but she is now at peace for ever . she died on the first approach of cold weather , at the beginning of this last winter . justine has just returned to us and i assure you i love her tenderly . she is very clever and gentle , and extremely pretty as i mentioned before , her mien and her expression continually remind me of my dear aunt . i must say also a few words to you , my dear cousin , of little darling william . i wish you could see him he is very tall of his age , with sweet laughing blue eyes , dark eyelashes , and curling hair . when he smiles , two little dimples appear on each cheek , which are rosy with health . he has already had one or two little wives , but louisa biron is his favourite , a pretty little girl of five years of age . now , dear victor , i dare say you wish to be indulged in a little gossip concerning the good people of geneva . the pretty miss mansfield has already received the congratulatory visits on her approaching marriage with a young englishman , john melbourne , esq . her ugly sister , manon , married m . duvillard , the rich banker , last autumn . your favourite schoolfellow , louis manoir , has suffered several misfortunes since the departure of clerval from geneva . but he has already recovered his spirits , and is reported to be on the point of marrying a lively pretty frenchwoman , madame tavernier . she is a widow , and much older than manoir but she is very much admired , and a favourite with everybody . i have written myself into better spirits , dear cousin but my anxiety returns upon me as i conclude . write , dearest victorone , lineone word will be a blessing to us . ten thousand thanks to henry for his kindness , his affection , and his many letters we are sincerely grateful . adieu . my cousin take care of yourself and , i entreat you , write . elizabeth lavenza . geneva , march th , . dear , elizabeth . i exclaimed , when i had read her letter i will write instantly and relieve them from the anxiety they must feel . i wrote , and this exertion greatly fatigued me but my convalescence had commenced , and proceeded regularly . in another fortnight i was able to leave my chamber . one of my first duties on my recovery was to introduce clerval to the several professors of the university . in doing this , i underwent a kind of rough usage , ill befitting the wounds that my mind had sustained . ever since the fatal night , the end of my labours , and the beginning of my misfortunes , i had conceived a violent antipathy even to the name of natural philosophy . when i was otherwise quite restored to health , the sight of a chemical instrument would renew all the agony of my nervous symptoms . henry saw this , and had removed all my apparatus from my view . he had also changed my apartment for he perceived that i had acquired a dislike for the room which had previously been my laboratory . but these cares of clerval were made of no avail when i visited the professors . m . waldman inflicted torture when he praised , with kindness and warmth , the astonishing progress i had made in the sciences . he soon perceived that i disliked the subject but not guessing the real cause , he attributed my feelings to modesty , and changed the subject from my improvement , to the science itself , with a desire , as i evidently saw , of drawing me out . what could i do . he meant to please , and he tormented me . i felt as if he had placed carefully , one by one , in my view those instruments which were to be afterwards used in putting me to a slow and cruel death . i writhed under his words , yet dared not exhibit the pain i felt . clerval , whose eyes and feelings were always quick in discerning the sensations of others , declined the subject , alleging , in excuse , his total ignorance and the conversation took a more general turn . i thanked my friend from my heart , but i did not speak . i saw plainly that he was surprised , but he never attempted to draw my secret from me and although i loved him with a mixture of affection and reverence that knew no bounds , yet i could never persuade myself to confide in him that event which was so often present to my recollection , but which i feared the detail to another would only impress more deeply . m . krempe was not equally docile and in my condition at that time , of almost insupportable sensitiveness , his harsh blunt encomiums gave me even more pain than the benevolent approbation of m . waldman . dn the fellow . cried he why , m . clerval , i assure you he has outstript us all . ay , stare if you please but it is nevertheless true . a youngster who , but a few years ago , believed in cornelius agrippa as firmly as in the gospel , has now set himself at the head of the university and if he is not soon pulled down , we shall all be out of countenance . ay , continued he , observing my face expressive of suffering , m . frankenstein is modest an excellent quality in a young man . young men should be diffident of themselves , you know , m . clerval i was myself when young but that wears out in a very short time . m . krempe had now commenced an eulogy on himself , which happily turned the conversation from a subject that was so annoying to me . clerval had never sympathised in my tastes for natural science and his literary pursuits differed wholly from those which had occupied me . he came to the university with the design of making himself complete master of the oriental languages , and thus he should open a field for the plan of life he had marked out for himself . resolved to pursue no inglorious career , he turned his eyes toward the east , as affording scope for his spirit of enterprise . the persian , arabic , and sanskrit languages engaged his attention , and i was easily induced to enter on the same studies . idleness had ever been irksome to me , and now that i wished to fly from reflection , and hated my former studies , i felt great relief in being the fellow pupil with my friend , and found not only instruction but consolation in the works of the orientalists . i did not , like him , attempt a critical knowledge of their dialects , for i did not contemplate making any other use of them than temporary amusement . i read merely to understand their meaning , and they well repaid my labours . their melancholy is soothing , and their joy elevating , to a degree i never experienced in studying the authors of any other country . when you read their writings , life appears to consist in a warm sun and a garden of rosesin , the smiles and frowns of a fair enemy , and the fire that consumes your own heart . how different from the manly and heroical poetry of greece and rome . summer passed away in these occupations , and my return to geneva was fixed for the latter end of autumn but being delayed by several accidents , winter and snow arrived , the roads were deemed impassable , and my journey was retarded until the ensuing spring . i felt this delay very bitterly for i longed to see my native town and my beloved friends . my return had only been delayed so long , from an unwillingness to leave clerval in a strange place , before he had become acquainted with any of its inhabitants . the winter , however , was spent cheerfully and although the spring was uncommonly late , when it came its beauty compensated for its dilatoriness . the month of may had already commenced , and i expected the letter daily which was to fix the date of my departure , when henry proposed a pedestrian tour in the environs of ingolstadt , that i might bid a personal farewell to the country i had so long inhabited . i acceded with pleasure to this proposition i was fond of exercise , and clerval had always been my favourite companion in the ramble of this nature that i had taken among the scenes of my native country . we passed a fortnight in these perambulations my health and spirits had long been restored , and they gained additional strength from the salubrious air i breathed , the natural incidents of our progress , and the conversation of my friend . study had before secluded me from the intercourse of my fellow creatures, , and rendered me unsocial but clerval called forth the better feelings of my heart he again taught me to love the aspect of nature , and the cheerful faces of children . excellent friend . how sincerely you did love me , and endeavour to elevate my mind until it was on a level with your own . a selfish pursuit had cramped and narrowed me , until your gentleness and affection warmed and opened my senses i became the same happy creature who , a few years ago , loved and beloved by all , had no sorrow or care . when happy , inanimate nature had the power of bestowing on me the most delightful sensations . a serene sky and verdant fields filled me with ecstasy . the present season was indeed divine the flowers of spring bloomed in the hedges , while those of summer were already in bud . i was undisturbed by thoughts which during the preceding year had pressed upon me , notwithstanding my endeavours to throw them off , with an invincible burden . henry rejoiced in my gaiety , and sincerely sympathised in my feelings he exerted himself to amuse me , while he expressed the sensations that filled his soul . the resources of his mind on this occasion were truly astonishing his conversation was full of imagination and very often , in imitation of the persian and arabic writers , he invented tales of wonderful fancy and passion . at other times he repeated my favourite poems , or drew me out into arguments , which he supported with great ingenuity . we returned to our college on a sunday afternoon the peasants were dancing , and every one we met appeared gay and happy . my own spirits were high , and i bounded along with feelings of unbridled joy and hilarity . chapter on my return , i found the following letter from my father my dear victor , you have probably waited impatiently for a letter to fix the date of your return to us and i was at first tempted to write only a few lines , merely mentioning the day on which i should expect you . but that would be a cruel kindness , and i dare not do it . what would be your surprise , my son , when you expected a happy and glad welcome , to behold , on the contrary , tears and wretchedness . and how , victor , can i relate our misfortune . absence cannot have rendered you callous to our joys and griefs and how shall i inflict pain on my long absent son . i wish to prepare you for the woeful news , but i know it is impossible even now your eye skims over the page to seek the words which are to convey to you the horrible tidings . william is dead . that sweet child , whose smiles delighted and warmed my heart , who was so gentle , yet so gay . victor , he is murdered . i will not attempt to console you but will simply relate the circumstances of the transaction . last thursday i , my niece , and your two brothers , went to walk in plainpalais . the evening was warm and serene , and we prolonged our walk farther than usual . it was already dusk before we thought of returning and then we discovered that william and ernest , who had gone on before , were not to be found . we accordingly rested on a seat until they should return . presently ernest came , and enquired if we had seen his brother he said , that he had been playing with him , that william had run away to hide himself , and that he vainly sought for him , and afterwards waited for a long time , but that he did not return . this account rather alarmed us , and we continued to search for him until night fell , when elizabeth conjectured that he might have returned to the house . he was not there . we returned again , with torches for i could not rest , when i thought that my sweet boy had lost himself , and was exposed to all the damps and dews of night elizabeth also suffered extreme anguish . about five in the morning i discovered my lovely boy , whom the night before i had seen blooming and active in health , stretched on the grass livid and motionless the print of the murders finger was on his neck . he was conveyed home , and the anguish that was visible in my countenance betrayed the secret to elizabeth . she was very earnest to see the corpse . at first i attempted to prevent her but she persisted , and entering the room where it lay , hastily examined the neck of the victim , and clasping her hands exclaimed , o god . i have murdered my darling child . she fainted , and was restored with extreme difficulty . when she again lived , it was only to weep and sigh . she told me , that same evening william had teased her to let him wear a very valuable miniature that she possessed of your mother . this picture is gone , and was doubtless the temptation which urged the murderer to the deed . we have no trace of him at present , although our exertions to discover him are unremitted but they will not restore my beloved william . come , dearest victor you alone can console elizabeth . she weeps continually , and accuses herself unjustly as the cause of his death her words pierce my heart . we are all unhappy but will not that be an additional motive for you , my son , to return and be our comforter . your dear mother . alas , victor . i now say , thank god she did not live to witness the cruel , miserable death of her youngest darling . come , victor not brooding thoughts of vengeance against the assassin , but with feelings of peace and gentleness , that will heal , instead of festering , the wounds of our minds . enter the house of mourning , my friend , but with kindness and affection for those who love you , and not with hatred for your enemies . your affectionate and afflicted father , alphonse frankenstein . geneva , may th , . clerval , who had watched my countenance as i read this letter , was surprised to observe the despair that succeeded the joy i at first expressed on receiving new from my friends . i threw the letter on the table , and covered my face with my hands . my dear frankenstein , exclaimed henry , when he perceived me weep with bitterness , are you always to be unhappy . my dear friend , what has happened . i motioned him to take up the letter , while i walked up and down the room in the extremest agitation . tears also gushed from the eyes of clerval , as he read the account of my misfortune . i can offer you no consolation , my friend , said he your disaster is irreparable . what do you intend to do . to go instantly to geneva come with me , henry , to order the horses . during our walk , clerval endeavoured to say a few words of consolation he could only express his heartfelt sympathy . poor william . said he , dear lovely child , he now sleeps with his angel mother . who that had seen him bright and joyous in his young beauty , but must weep over his untimely loss . to die so miserably to feel the murderers grasp . how much more a murdered that could destroy radiant innocence . poor little fellow . one only consolation have we his friends mourn and weep , but he is at rest . the pang is over , his sufferings are at an end for ever . a sod covers his gentle form , and he knows no pain . he can no longer be a subject for pity we must reserve that for his miserable survivors . clerval spoke thus as we hurried through the streets the words impressed themselves on my mind and i remembered them afterwards in solitude . but now , as soon as the horses arrived , i hurried into a cabriolet , and bade farewell to my friend . my journey was very melancholy . at first i wished to hurry on , for i longed to console and sympathise with my loved and sorrowing friends but when i drew near my native town , i slackened my progress . i could hardly sustain the multitude of feelings that crowded into my mind . i passed through scenes familiar to my youth , but which i had not seen for nearly six years . how altered every thing might be during that time . one sudden and desolating change had taken place but a thousand little circumstances might have by degrees worked other alterations , which , although they were done more tranquilly , might not be the less decisive . fear overcame me i dared no advance , dreading a thousand nameless evils that made me tremble , although i was unable to define them . i remained two days at lausanne , in this painful state of mind . i contemplated the lake the waters were placid all around was calm and the snowy mountains , the palaces of nature , were not changed . by degrees the calm and heavenly scene restored me , and i continued my journey towards geneva . the road ran by the side of the lake , which became narrower as i approached my native town . i discovered more distinctly the black sides of jura , and the bright summit of mont blanc . i wept like a child . dear mountains . my own beautiful lake . how do you welcome your wanderer . your summits are clear the sky and lake are blue and placid . is this to prognosticate peace , or to mock at my unhappiness . i fear , my friend , that i shall render myself tedious by dwelling on these preliminary circumstances but they were days of comparative happiness , and i think of them with pleasure . my country , my beloved country . who but a native can tell the delight i took in again beholding thy streams , thy mountains , and , more than all , thy lovely lake . yet , as i drew nearer home , grief and fear again overcame me . night also closed around and when i could hardly see the dark mountains , i felt still more gloomily . the picture appeared a vast and dim scene of evil , and i foresaw obscurely that i was destined to become the most wretched of human beings . alas . i prophesied truly , and failed only in one single circumstance , that in all the misery i imagined and dreaded , i did not conceive the hundredth part of the anguish i was destined to endure . it was completely dark when i arrived in the environs of geneva the gates of the town were already shut and i was obliged to pass the night at secheron , a village at the distance of half a league from the city . the sky was serene and , as i was unable to rest , i resolved to visit the spot where my poor william had been murdered . as i could not pass through the town , i was obliged to cross the lake in a boat to arrive at plainpalais . during this short voyage i saw the lightning playing on the summit of mont blanc in the most beautiful figures . the storm appeared to approach rapidly , and , on landing , i ascended a low hill , that i might observe its progress . it advanced the heavens were clouded , and i soon felt the rain coming slowly in large drops , but its violence quickly increased . i quitted my seat , and walked on , although the darkness and storm increased every minute , and the thunder burst with a terrific crash over my head . it was echoed from salve , the juras , and the alps of savoy vivid flashes of lightning dazzled my eyes , illuminating the lake , making it appear like a vast sheet of fire then for an instant every thing seemed of a pitchy darkness , until the eye recovered itself from the preceding flash . the storm , as is often the case in switzerland , appeared at once in various parts of the heavens . the most violent storm hung exactly north of the town , over the part of the lake which lies between the promontory of belrive and the village of copt . another storm enlightened jura with faint flashes and another darkened and sometimes disclosed the mle , a peaked mountain to the east of the lake . while i watched the tempest , so beautiful yet terrific , i wandered on with a hasty step . this noble war in the sky elevated my spirits i clasped my hands , and exclaimed aloud , william , dear angel . this is thy funeral , this thy dirge . as i said these words , i perceived in the gloom a figure which stole from behind a clump of trees near me i stood fixed , gazing intently i could not be mistaken . a flash of lightning illuminated the object , and discovered its shape plainly to me its gigantic stature , and the deformity of its aspect more hideous than belongs to humanity , instantly informed me that it was the wretch , the filthy dmon , to whom i had given life . what did he there . could he be i shuddered at the conception the murderer of my brother . no sooner did that idea cross my imagination , than i became convinced of its truth my teeth chattered , and i was forced to lean against a tree for support . the figure passed me quickly , and i lost it in the gloom . nothing in human shape could have destroyed the fair child . he was the murderer . i could not doubt it . the mere presence of the idea was an irresistible proof of the fact . i thought of pursuing the devil but it would have been in vain , for another flash discovered him to me hanging among the rocks of the nearly perpendicular ascent of mont salve , a hill that bounds plainpalais on the south . he soon reached the summit , and disappeared . i remained motionless . the thunder ceased but the rain still continued , and the scene was enveloped in an impenetrable darkness . i revolved in my mind the events which i had until now sought to forget the whole train of my progress toward the creation the appearance of the works of my own hands at my bedside its departure . two years had now nearly elapsed since the night on which he first received life and was this his first crime . alas . i had turned loose into the world a depraved wretch , whose delight was in carnage and misery had he not murdered my brother . no one can conceive the anguish i suffered during the remainder of the night , which i spent , cold and wet , in the open air . but i did not feel the inconvenience of the weather my imagination was busy in scenes of evil and despair . i considered the being whom i had cast among mankind , and endowed with the will and power to effect purposes of horror , such as the deed which he had now done , nearly in the light of my own vampire , my own spirit let loose from the grave , and forced to destroy all that was dear to me . day dawned and i directed my steps towards the town . the gates were open , and i hastened to my fathers house . my first thought was to discover what i knew of the murderer , and cause instant pursuit to be made . but i paused when i reflected on the story that i had to tell . a being whom i myself had formed , and endued with life , had met me at midnight among the precipices of an inaccessible mountain . i remembered also the nervous fever with which i had been seized just at the time that i dated my creation , and which would give an air of delirium to a tale otherwise so utterly improbable . i well knew that if any other had communicated such a relation to me , i should have looked upon it as the ravings of insanity . besides , the strange nature of the animal would elude all pursuit , even if i were so far credited as to persuade my relatives to commence it . and then of what use would be pursuit . who could arrest a creature capable of scaling the overhanging sides of mont salve . these reflections determined me , and i resolved to remain silent . it was about five in the morning when i entered my fathers house . i told the servants not to disturb the family , and went into the library to attend their usual hour of rising . six years had elapsed , passed in a dream but for one indelible trace , and i stood in the same place where i had last embraced my father before my departure for ingolstadt . beloved and venerable parent . he still remained to me . i gazed on the picture of my mother , which stood over the mantel piece . it was an historical subject , painted at my fathers desire , and represented caroline beaufort in an agony of despair , kneeling by the coffin of her dead father . her garb was rustic , and her cheek pale but there was an air of dignity and beauty , that hardly permitted the sentiment of pity . below this picture was a miniature of william and my tears flowed when i looked upon it . while i was thus engaged , ernest entered he had heard me arrive , and hastened to welcome me welcome , my dearest victor , said he . ah . i wish you had come three months ago , and then you would have found us all joyous and delighted . you come to us now to share a misery which nothing can alleviate yet your presence will , i hope , revive our father , who seems sinking under his misfortune and your persuasions will induce poor elizabeth to cease her vain and tormenting self accusations . poor william . he was our darling and our pride . tears , unrestrained , fell from my brothers eyes a sense of mortal agony crept over my frame . before , i had only imagined the wretchedness of my desolated home the reality came on me as a new , and a not less terrible , disaster . i tried to calm ernest i enquired more minutely concerning my father , and here i named my cousin . she most of all , said ernest , requires consolation she accused herself of having caused the death of my brother , and that made her very wretched . but since the murderer has been discovered the murderer discovered . good god . how can that be . who could attempt to pursue him . it is impossible one might as well try to overtake the winds , or confine a mountain stream with a straw . i saw him too he was free last night . i do not know what you mean , replied my brother , in accents of wonder , but to us the discovery we have made completes our misery . no one would believe it at first and even now elizabeth will not be convinced , notwithstanding all the evidence . indeed , who would credit that justine moritz , who was so amiable , and fond of all the family , could suddenly become so capable of so frightful , so appalling a crime . justine moritz . poor , girl , is she the accused . but it is wrongfully every one knows that no one believes it , surely , ernest . no one did at first but several circumstances came out , that have almost forced conviction upon us and her own behaviour has been so confused , as to add to the evidence of facts a weight that , i fear , leaves no hope for doubt . but she will be tried today , and you will then hear all . he then related that , the morning on which the murder of poor william had been discovered , justine had been taken ill , and confined to her bed for several days . during this interval , one of the servants , happening to examine the apparel she had worn on the night of the murder , had discovered in her pocket the picture of my mother , which had been judged to be the temptation of the murderer . the servant instantly showed it to one of the others , who , without saying a word to any of the family , went to a magistrate and , upon their deposition , justine was apprehended . on being charged with the fact , the poor girl confirmed the suspicion in a great measure by her extreme confusion of manner . this was a strange tale , but it did not shake my faith and i replied earnestly , you are all mistaken i know the murderer . justine , poor , good justine , is innocent . at that instant my father entered . i saw unhappiness deeply impressed on his countenance , but he endeavoured to welcome me cheerfully and , after we had exchanged our mournful greeting , would have introduced some other topic than that of our disaster , had not ernest exclaimed , good god , papa . victor says that he knows who was the murderer of poor william . we do also , unfortunately , replied my father , for indeed i had rather have been for ever ignorant than have discovered so much depravity and ungratitude in one i valued so highly . my dear father , you are mistaken justine is innocent . if she is , god forbid that she should suffer as guilty . she is to be tried today , and i hope , i sincerely hope , that she will be acquitted . this speech calmed me . i was firmly convinced in my own mind that justine , and indeed every human being , was guiltless of this murder . i had no fear , therefore , that any circumstantial evidence could be brought forward strong enough to convict her . my tale was not one to announce publicly its astounding horror would be looked upon as madness by the vulgar . did any one indeed exist , except i , the creator , who would believe , unless his senses convinced him , in the existence of the living monument of presumption and rash ignorance which i had let loose upon the world . we were soon joined by elizabeth . time had altered her since i last beheld her it had endowed her with loveliness surpassing the beauty of her childish years . there was the same candour , the same vivacity , but it was allied to an expression more full of sensibility and intellect . she welcomed me with the greatest affection . your arrival , my dear cousin , said she , fills me with hope . you perhaps will find some means to justify my poor guiltless justine . alas . who is safe , if she be convicted of crime . i rely on her innocence as certainly as i do upon my own . our misfortune is doubly hard to us we have not only lost that lovely darling boy , but this poor girl , whom i sincerely love , is to be torn away by even a worse fate . if she is condemned , i never shall know joy more . but she will not , i am sure she will not and then i shall be happy again , even after the sad death of my little william . she is innocent , my elizabeth , said i , and that shall be proved fear nothing , but let your spirits be cheered by the assurance of her acquittal . how kind and generous you are . every one else believes in her guilt , and that made me wretched , for i knew that it was impossible and to see every one else prejudiced in so deadly a manner rendered me hopeless and despairing . she wept . dearest niece , said my father , dry your tears . if she is , as you believe , innocent , rely on the justice of our laws , and the activity with which i shall prevent the slightest shadow of partiality . chapter we passed a few sad hours until eleven oclock , when the trial was to commence . my father and the rest of the family being obliged to attend as witnesses , i accompanied them to the court . during the whole of this wretched mockery of justice i suffered living torture . it was to be decided whether the result of my curiosity and lawless devices would cause the death of two of my fellow beings one a smiling babe full of innocence and joy , the other far more dreadfully murdered , with every aggravation of infamy that could make the murder memorable in horror . justine also was a girl of merit and possessed qualities which promised to render her life happy now all was to be obliterated in an ignominious grave , and i the cause . a thousand times rather would i have confessed myself guilty of the crime ascribed to justine , but i was absent when it was committed , and such a declaration would have been considered as the ravings of a madman and would not have exculpated her who suffered through me . the appearance of justine was calm . she was dressed in mourning , and her countenance , always engaging , was rendered , by the solemnity of her feelings , exquisitely beautiful . yet she appeared confident in innocence and did not tremble , although gazed on and execrated by thousands , for all the kindness which her beauty might otherwise have excited was obliterated in the minds of the spectators by the imagination of the enormity she was supposed to have committed . she was tranquil , yet her tranquillity was evidently constrained and as her confusion had before been adduced as a proof of her guilt , she worked up her mind to an appearance of courage . when she entered the court she threw her eyes round it and quickly discovered where we were seated . a tear seemed to dim her eye when she saw us , but she quickly recovered herself , and a look of sorrowful affection seemed to attest her utter guiltlessness . the trial began , and after the advocate against her had stated the charge , several witnesses were called . several strange facts combined against her , which might have staggered anyone who had not such proof of her innocence as i had . she had been out the whole of the night on which the murder had been committed and towards morning had been perceived by a market woman not far from the spot where the body of the murdered child had been afterwards found . the woman asked her what she did there , but she looked very strangely and only returned a confused and unintelligible answer . she returned to the house about eight oclock , and when one inquired where she had passed the night , she replied that she had been looking for the child and demanded earnestly if anything had been heard concerning him . when shown the body , she fell into violent hysterics and kept her bed for several days . the picture was then produced which the servant had found in her pocket and when elizabeth , in a faltering voice , proved that it was the same which , an hour before the child had been missed , she had placed round his neck , a murmur of horror and indignation filled the court . justine was called on for her defence . as the trial had proceeded , her countenance had altered . surprise , horror , and misery were strongly expressed . sometimes she struggled with her tears , but when she was desired to plead , she collected her powers and spoke in an audible although variable voice . god knows , she said , how entirely i am innocent . but i do not pretend that my protestations should acquit me i rest my innocence on a plain and simple explanation of the facts which have been adduced against me , and i hope the character i have always borne will incline my judges to a favourable interpretation where any circumstance appears doubtful or suspicious . she then related that , by the permission of elizabeth , she had passed the evening of the night on which the murder had been committed at the house of an aunt at chne , a village situated at about a league from geneva . on her return , at about nine oclock , she met a man who asked her if she had seen anything of the child who was lost . she was alarmed by this account and passed several hours in looking for him , when the gates of geneva were shut , and she was forced to remain several hours of the night in a barn belonging to a cottage , being unwilling to call up the inhabitants , to whom she was well known . most of the night she spent here watching towards morning she believed that she slept for a few minutes some steps disturbed her , and she awoke . it was dawn , and she quitted her asylum , that she might again endeavour to find my brother . if she had gone near the spot where his body lay , it was without her knowledge . that she had been bewildered when questioned by the market woman was not surprising , since she had passed a sleepless night and the fate of poor william was yet uncertain . concerning the picture she could give no account . i know , continued the unhappy victim , how heavily and fatally this one circumstance weighs against me , but i have no power of explaining it and when i have expressed my utter ignorance , i am only left to conjecture concerning the probabilities by which it might have been placed in my pocket . but here also i am checked . i believe that i have no enemy on earth , and none surely would have been so wicked as to destroy me wantonly . did the murderer place it there . i know of no opportunity afforded him for so doing or , if i had , why should he have stolen the jewel , to part with it again so soon . i commit my cause to the justice of my judges , yet i see no room for hope . i beg permission to have a few witnesses examined concerning my character , and if their testimony shall not overweigh my supposed guilt , i must be condemned , although i would pledge my salvation on my innocence . several witnesses were called who had known her for many years , and they spoke well of her but fear and hatred of the crime of which they supposed her guilty rendered them timorous and unwilling to come forward . elizabeth saw even this last resource , her excellent dispositions and irreproachable conduct , about to fail the accused , when , although violently agitated , she desired permission to address the court . i am , said she , the cousin of the unhappy child who was murdered , or rather his sister , for i was educated by and have lived with his parents ever since and even long before his birth . it may therefore be judged indecent in me to come forward on this occasion , but when i see a fellow creature about to perish through the cowardice of her pretended friends , i wish to be allowed to speak , that i may say what i know of her character . i am well acquainted with the accused . i have lived in the same house with her , at one time for five and at another for nearly two years . during all that period she appeared to me the most amiable and benevolent of human creatures . she nursed madame frankenstein , my aunt , in her last illness , with the greatest affection and care and afterwards attended her own mother during a tedious illness , in a manner that excited the admiration of all who knew her , after which she again lived in my uncles house , where she was beloved by all the family . she was warmly attached to the child who is now dead and acted towards him like a most affectionate mother . for my own part , i do not hesitate to say that , notwithstanding all the evidence produced against her , i believe and rely on her perfect innocence . she had no temptation for such an action as to the bauble on which the chief proof rests , if she had earnestly desired it , i should have willingly given it to her , so much do i esteem and value her . a murmur of approbation followed elizabeths simple and powerful appeal , but it was excited by her generous interference , and not in favour of poor justine , on whom the public indignation was turned with renewed violence , charging her with the blackest ingratitude . she herself wept as elizabeth spoke , but she did not answer . my own agitation and anguish was extreme during the whole trial . i believed in her innocence i knew it . could the dmon who had i did not for a minute doubt murdered my brother also in his hellish sport have betrayed the innocent to death and ignominy . i could not sustain the horror of my situation , and when i perceived that the popular voice and the countenances of the judges had already condemned my unhappy victim , i rushed out of the court in agony . the tortures of the accused did not equal mine she was sustained by innocence , but the fangs of remorse tore my bosom and would not forgo their hold . i passed a night of unmingled wretchedness . in the morning i went to the court my lips and throat were parched . i dared not ask the fatal question , but i was known , and the officer guessed the cause of my visit . the ballots had been thrown they were all black , and justine was condemned . i cannot pretend to describe what i then felt . i had before experienced sensations of horror , and i have endeavoured to bestow upon them adequate expressions , but words cannot convey an idea of the heart sickening despair that i then endured . the person to whom i addressed myself added that justine had already confessed her guilt . that evidence , he observed , was hardly required in so glaring a case , but i am glad of it , and , indeed , none of our judges like to condemn a criminal upon circumstantial evidence , be it ever so decisive . this was strange and unexpected intelligence what could it mean . had my eyes deceived me . and was i really as mad as the whole world would believe me to be if i disclosed the object of my suspicions . i hastened to return home , and elizabeth eagerly demanded the result . my cousin , replied i , it is decided as you may have expected all judges had rather that ten innocent should suffer than that one guilty should escape . but she has confessed . this was a dire blow to poor elizabeth , who had relied with firmness upon justines innocence . alas . said she . how shall i ever again believe in human goodness . justine , whom i loved and esteemed as my sister , how could she put on those smiles of innocence only to betray . her mild eyes seemed incapable of any severity or guile , and yet she has committed a murder . soon after we heard that the poor victim had expressed a desire to see my cousin . my father wished her not to go but said that he left it to her own judgment and feelings to decide . yes , said elizabeth , i will go , although she is guilty and you , victor , shall accompany me i cannot go alone . the idea of this visit was torture to me , yet i could not refuse . we entered the gloomy prison chamber and beheld justine sitting on some straw at the farther end her hands were manacled , and her head rested on her knees . she rose on seeing us enter , and when we were left alone with her , she threw herself at the feet of elizabeth , weeping bitterly . my cousin wept also . oh , justine . said she . why did you rob me of my last consolation . i relied on your innocence , and although i was then very wretched , i was not so miserable as i am now . and do you also believe that i am so very , wicked . do you also join with my enemies to crush me , to condemn me as a murderer . her voice was suffocated with sobs . rise , my poor girl , said elizabeth why do you kneel , if you are innocent . i am not one of your enemies , i believed you guiltless , notwithstanding every evidence , until i heard that you had yourself declared your guilt . that report , you say , is false and be assured , dear justine , that nothing can shake my confidence in you for a moment , but your own confession . i did confess , but i confessed a lie . i confessed , that i might obtain absolution but now that falsehood lies heavier at my heart than all my other sins . the god of heaven forgive me . ever since i was condemned , my confessor has besieged me he threatened and menaced , until i almost began to think that i was the monster that he said i was . he threatened excommunication and hell fire in my last moments if i continued obdurate . dear lady , i had none to support me all looked on me as a wretch doomed to ignominy and perdition . what could i do . in an evil hour i subscribed to a lie and now only am i truly miserable . she paused , weeping , and then continued , i thought with horror , my sweet lady , that you should believe your justine , whom your blessed aunt had so highly honoured , and whom you loved , was a creature capable of a crime which none but the devil himself could have perpetrated . dear william . dearest blessed child . i soon shall see you again in heaven , where we shall all be happy and that consoles me , going as i am to suffer ignominy and death . oh , justine . forgive me for having for one moment distrusted you . why did you confess . but do not mourn , dear girl . do not fear . i will proclaim , i will prove your innocence . i will melt the stony hearts of your enemies by my tears and prayers . you shall not die . you , my playfellow , my companion , my sister , perish on the scaffold . no . no . i never could survive so horrible a misfortune . justine shook her head mournfully . i do not fear to die , she said that pang is past . god raises my weakness and gives me courage to endure the worst . i leave a sad and bitter world and if you remember me and think of me as of one unjustly condemned , i am resigned to the fate awaiting me . learn from me , dear lady , to submit in patience to the will of heaven . during this conversation i had retired to a corner of the prison room , where i could conceal the horrid anguish that possessed me . despair . who dared talk of that . the poor victim , who on the morrow was to pass the awful boundary between life and death , felt not , as i did , such deep and bitter agony . i gnashed my teeth and ground them together , uttering a groan that came from my inmost soul . justine started . when she saw who it was , she approached me and said , dear sir , you are very kind to visit me you , i hope , do not believe that i am guilty . i could not answer . no , justine , said elizabeth he is more convinced of your innocence than i was , for even when he heard that you had confessed , he did not credit it . i truly thank him . in these last moments i feel the sincerest gratitude towards those who think of me with kindness . how sweet is the affection of others to such a wretch as i am . it removes more than half my misfortune , and i feel as if i could die in peace now that my innocence is acknowledged by you , dear lady , and your cousin . thus the poor sufferer tried to comfort others and herself . she indeed gained the resignation she desired . but i , the true murderer , felt the never dying worm alive in my bosom , which allowed of no hope or consolation . elizabeth also wept and was unhappy , but hers also was the misery of innocence , which , like a cloud that passes over the fair moon , for a while hides but cannot tarnish its brightness . anguish and despair had penetrated into the core of my heart i bore a hell within me which nothing could extinguish . we stayed several hours with justine , and it was with great difficulty that elizabeth could tear herself away . i wish , cried she , that i were to die with you i cannot live in this world of misery . justine assumed an air of cheerfulness , while she with difficulty repressed her bitter tears . she embraced elizabeth and said in a voice of half suppressed emotion , farewell , sweet lady , dearest elizabeth , my beloved and only friend may heaven , in its bounty , bless and preserve you may this be the last misfortune that you will ever suffer . live , and be happy , and make others so . and on the morrow justine died . elizabeths heart rending eloquence failed to move the judges from their settled conviction in the criminality of the saintly sufferer . my passionate and indignant appeals were lost upon them . and when i received their cold answers and heard the harsh , unfeeling reasoning of these men , my purposed avowal died away on my lips . thus i might proclaim myself a madman , but not revoke the sentence passed upon my wretched victim . she perished on the scaffold as a murderess . from the tortures of my own heart , i turned to contemplate the deep and voiceless grief of my elizabeth . this also was my doing . and my fathers woe , and the desolation of that late so smiling home all was the work of my thrice accursed hands . ye weep , unhappy ones , but these are not your last tears . again shall you raise the funeral wail , and the sound of your lamentations shall again and again be heard . frankenstein , your son , your kinsman , your early , much loved friend he who would spend each vital drop of blood for your sakes , who has no thought nor sense of joy except as it is mirrored also in your dear countenances , who would fill the air with blessings and spend his life in serving youhe bids you weep , to shed countless tears happy beyond his hopes , if thus inexorable fate be satisfied , and if the destruction pause before the peace of the grave have succeeded to your sad torments . thus spoke my prophetic soul , as , torn by remorse , horror , and despair , i beheld those i loved spend vain sorrow upon the graves of william and justine , the first hapless victims to my unhallowed arts . chapter nothing is more painful to the human mind than , after the feelings have been worked up by a quick succession of events , the dead calmness of inaction and certainty which follows and deprives the soul both of hope and fear . justine died , she rested , and i was alive . the blood flowed freely in my veins , but a weight of despair and remorse pressed on my heart which nothing could remove . sleep fled from my eyes i wandered like an evil spirit , for i had committed deeds of mischief beyond description horrible , and more , much more was yet behind . yet my heart overflowed with kindness and the love of virtue . i had begun life with benevolent intentions and thirsted for the moment when i should put them in practice and make myself useful to my fellow beings . now all was blasted instead of that serenity of conscience which allowed me to look back upon the past with self satisfaction, , and from thence to gather promise of new hopes , i was seized by remorse and the sense of guilt , which hurried me away to a hell of intense tortures such as no language can describe . this state of mind preyed upon my health , which had perhaps never entirely recovered from the first shock it had sustained . i shunned the face of man all sound of joy or complacency was torture to me solitude was my only consolationdeep , dark , deathlike solitude . my father observed with pain the alteration perceptible in my disposition and habits and endeavoured by arguments deduced from the feelings of his serene conscience and guiltless life to inspire me with fortitude and awaken in me the courage to dispel the dark cloud which brooded over me . do you think , victor , said he , that i do not suffer also . no one could love a child more than i loved your brothertears came into his eyes as he spokebut is it not a duty to the survivors that we should refrain from augmenting their unhappiness by an appearance of immoderate grief . it is also a duty owed to yourself , for excessive sorrow prevents improvement or enjoyment , or even the discharge of daily usefulness , without which no man is fit for society . this advice , although good , was totally inapplicable to my case i should have been the first to hide my grief and console my friends if remorse had not mingled its bitterness , and terror its alarm , with my other sensations . now i could only answer my father with a look of despair and endeavour to hide myself from his view . about this time we retired to our house at belrive . this change was particularly agreeable to me . the shutting of the gates regularly at ten oclock and the impossibility of remaining on the lake after that hour had rendered our residence within the walls of geneva very irksome to me . i was now free . often , after the rest of the family had retired for the night , i took the boat and passed many hours upon the water . sometimes , with my sails set , i was carried by the wind and sometimes , after rowing into the middle of the lake , i left the boat to pursue its own course and gave way to my own miserable reflections . i was often tempted , when all was at peace around me , and i the only unquiet thing that wandered restless in a scene so beautiful and heavenlyif i except some bat , or the frogs , whose harsh and interrupted croaking was heard only when i approached the shoreoften , i say , i was tempted to plunge into the silent lake , that the waters might close over me and my calamities for ever . but i was restrained , when i thought of the heroic and suffering elizabeth , whom i tenderly loved , and whose existence was bound up in mine . i thought also of my father and surviving brother should i by my base desertion leave them exposed and unprotected to the malice of the fiend whom i had let loose among them . at these moments i wept bitterly and wished that peace would revisit my mind only that i might afford them consolation and happiness . but that could not be . remorse extinguished every hope . i had been the author of unalterable evils , and i lived in daily fear lest the monster whom i had created should perpetrate some new wickedness . i had an obscure feeling that all was not over and that he would still commit some signal crime , which by its enormity should almost efface the recollection of the past . there was always scope for fear so long as anything i loved remained behind . my abhorrence of this fiend cannot be conceived . when i thought of him i gnashed my teeth , my eyes became inflamed , and i ardently wished to extinguish that life which i had so thoughtlessly bestowed . when i reflected on his crimes and malice , my hatred and revenge burst all bounds of moderation . i would have made a pilgrimage to the highest peak of the andes , could i , when there , have precipitated him to their base . i wished to see him again , that i might wreak the utmost extent of abhorrence on his head and avenge the deaths of william and justine . our house was the house of mourning . my fathers health was deeply shaken by the horror of the recent events . elizabeth was sad and desponding she no longer took delight in her ordinary occupations all pleasure seemed to her sacrilege toward the dead eternal woe and tears she then thought was the just tribute she should pay to innocence so blasted and destroyed . she was no longer that happy creature who in earlier youth wandered with me on the banks of the lake and talked with ecstasy of our future prospects . the first of those sorrows which are sent to wean us from the earth had visited her , and its dimming influence quenched her dearest smiles . when i reflect , my dear cousin , said she , on the miserable death of justine moritz , i no longer see the world and its works as they before appeared to me . before , i looked upon the accounts of vice and injustice that i read in books or heard from others as tales of ancient days or imaginary evils at least they were remote and more familiar to reason than to the imagination but now misery has come home , and men appear to me as monsters thirsting for each others blood . yet i am certainly unjust . everybody believed that poor girl to be guilty and if she could have committed the crime for which she suffered , assuredly she would have been the most depraved of human creatures . for the sake of a few jewels , to have murdered the son of her benefactor and friend , a child whom she had nursed from its birth , and appeared to love as if it had been her own . i could not consent to the death of any human being , but certainly i should have thought such a creature unfit to remain in the society of men . but she was innocent . i know , i feel she was innocent you are of the same opinion , and that confirms me . alas . victor , when falsehood can look so like the truth , who can assure themselves of certain happiness . i feel as if i were walking on the edge of a precipice , towards which thousands are crowding and endeavouring to plunge me into the abyss . william and justine were assassinated , and the murderer escapes he walks about the world free , and perhaps respected . but even if i were condemned to suffer on the scaffold for the same crimes , i would not change places with such a wretch . i listened to this discourse with the extremest agony . i , not in deed , but in effect , was the true murderer . elizabeth read my anguish in my countenance , and kindly taking my hand , said , my dearest friend , you must calm yourself . these events have affected me , god knows how deeply but i am not so wretched as you are . there is an expression of despair , and sometimes of revenge , in your countenance that makes me tremble . dear victor , banish these dark passions . remember the friends around you , who centre all their hopes in you . have we lost the power of rendering you happy . ah . while we love , while we are true to each other , here in this land of peace and beauty , your native country , we may reap every tranquil blessingwhat can disturb our peace . and could not such words from her whom i fondly prized before every other gift of fortune suffice to chase away the fiend that lurked in my heart . even as she spoke i drew near to her , as if in terror , lest at that very moment the destroyer had been near to rob me of her . thus not the tenderness of friendship , nor the beauty of earth , nor of heaven , could redeem my soul from woe the very accents of love were ineffectual . i was encompassed by a cloud which no beneficial influence could penetrate . the wounded deer dragging its fainting limbs to some untrodden brake , there to gaze upon the arrow which had pierced it , and to die , was but a type of me . sometimes i could cope with the sullen despair that overwhelmed me , but sometimes the whirlwind passions of my soul drove me to seek , by bodily exercise and by change of place , some relief from my intolerable sensations . it was during an access of this kind that i suddenly left my home , and bending my steps towards the near alpine valleys , sought in the magnificence , the eternity of such scenes , to forget myself and my ephemeral , because human , sorrows . my wanderings were directed towards the valley of chamounix . i had visited it frequently during my boyhood . six years had passed since then i was a wreck , but nought had changed in those savage and enduring scenes . i performed the first part of my journey on horseback . i afterwards hired a mule , as the more sure footed and least liable to receive injury on these rugged roads . the weather was fine it was about the middle of the month of august , nearly two months after the death of justine , that miserable epoch from which i dated all my woe . the weight upon my spirit was sensibly lightened as i plunged yet deeper in the ravine of arve . the immense mountains and precipices that overhung me on every side , the sound of the river raging among the rocks , and the dashing of the waterfalls around spoke of a power mighty as omnipotenceand i ceased to fear or to bend before any being less almighty than that which had created and ruled the elements , here displayed in their most terrific guise . still , as i ascended higher , the valley assumed a more magnificent and astonishing character . ruined castles hanging on the precipices of piny mountains , the impetuous arve , and cottages every here and there peeping forth from among the trees formed a scene of singular beauty . but it was augmented and rendered sublime by the mighty alps , whose white and shining pyramids and domes towered above all , as belonging to another earth , the habitations of another race of beings . i passed the bridge of plissier , where the ravine , which the river forms , opened before me , and i began to ascend the mountain that overhangs it . soon after , i entered the valley of chamounix . this valley is more wonderful and sublime , but not so beautiful and picturesque as that of servox , through which i had just passed . the high and snowy mountains were its immediate boundaries , but i saw no more ruined castles and fertile fields . immense glaciers approached the road i heard the rumbling thunder of the falling avalanche and marked the smoke of its passage . mont blanc , the supreme and magnificent mont blanc , raised itself from the surrounding aiguilles , and its tremendous dme overlooked the valley . a tingling long lost sense of pleasure often came across me during this journey . some turn in the road , some new object suddenly perceived and recognised , reminded me of days gone by , and were associated with the lighthearted gaiety of boyhood . the very winds whispered in soothing accents , and maternal nature bade me weep no more . then again the kindly influence ceased to acti found myself fettered again to grief and indulging in all the misery of reflection . then i spurred on my animal , striving so to forget the world , my fears , and more than all , myselfor , in a more desperate fashion , i alighted and threw myself on the grass , weighed down by horror and despair . at length i arrived at the village of chamounix . exhaustion succeeded to the extreme fatigue both of body and of mind which i had endured . for a short space of time i remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above mont blanc and listening to the rushing of the arve , which pursued its noisy way beneath . the same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations when i placed my head upon my pillow , sleep crept over me i felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion . chapter i spent the following day roaming through the valley . i stood beside the sources of the arveiron , which take their rise in a glacier , that with slow pace is advancing down from the summit of the hills to barricade the valley . the abrupt sides of vast mountains were before me the icy wall of the glacier overhung me a few shattered pines were scattered around and the solemn silence of this glorious presence chamber of imperial nature was broken only by the brawling waves or the fall of some vast fragment , the thunder sound of the avalanche or the cracking , reverberated along the mountains , of the accumulated ice , which , through the silent working of immutable laws , was ever and anon rent and torn , as if it had been but a plaything in their hands . these sublime and magnificent scenes afforded me the greatest consolation that i was capable of receiving . they elevated me from all littleness of feeling , and although they did not remove my grief , they subdued and tranquillised it . in some degree , also , they diverted my mind from the thoughts over which it had brooded for the last month . i retired to rest at night my slumbers , as it were , waited on and ministered to by the assemblance of grand shapes which i had contemplated during the day . they congregated round me the unstained snowy mountain top, , the glittering pinnacle , the pine woods , and ragged bare ravine , the eagle , soaring amidst the cloudsthey all gathered round me and bade me be at peace . where had they fled when the next morning i awoke . all of soul inspiriting fled with sleep , and dark melancholy clouded every thought . the rain was pouring in torrents , and thick mists hid the summits of the mountains , so that i even saw not the faces of those mighty friends . still i would penetrate their misty veil and seek them in their cloudy retreats . what were rain and storm to me . my mule was brought to the door , and i resolved to ascend to the summit of montanvert . i remembered the effect that the view of the tremendous and ever moving glacier had produced upon my mind when i first saw it . it had then filled me with a sublime ecstasy that gave wings to the soul and allowed it to soar from the obscure world to light and joy . the sight of the awful and majestic in nature had indeed always the effect of solemnising my mind and causing me to forget the passing cares of life . i determined to go without a guide , for i was well acquainted with the path , and the presence of another would destroy the solitary grandeur of the scene . the ascent is precipitous , but the path is cut into continual and short windings , which enable you to surmount the perpendicularity of the mountain . it is a scene terrifically desolate . in a thousand spots the traces of the winter avalanche may be perceived , where trees lie broken and strewed on the ground , some entirely destroyed , others bent , leaning upon the jutting rocks of the mountain or transversely upon other trees . the path , as you ascend higher , is intersected by ravines of snow , down which stones continually roll from above one of them is particularly dangerous , as the slightest sound , such as even speaking in a loud voice , produces a concussion of air sufficient to draw destruction upon the head of the speaker . the pines are not tall or luxuriant , but they are sombre and add an air of severity to the scene . i looked on the valley beneath vast mists were rising from the rivers which ran through it and curling in thick wreaths around the opposite mountains , whose summits were hid in the uniform clouds , while rain poured from the dark sky and added to the melancholy impression i received from the objects around me . alas . why does man boast of sensibilities superior to those apparent in the brute it only renders them more necessary beings . if our impulses were confined to hunger , thirst , and desire , we might be nearly free but now we are moved by every wind that blows and a chance word or scene that word may convey to us . we rest a dream has power to poison sleep . we rise one wandring thought pollutes the day . we feel , conceive , or reason laugh or weep , embrace fond woe , or cast our cares away it is the same for , be it joy or sorrow , the path of its departure still is free . mans yesterday may neer be like his morrow nought may endure but mutability . it was nearly noon when i arrived at the top of the ascent . for some time i sat upon the rock that overlooks the sea of ice . a mist covered both that and the surrounding mountains . presently a breeze dissipated the cloud , and i descended upon the glacier . the surface is very uneven , rising like the waves of a troubled sea , descending low , and interspersed by rifts that sink deep . the field of ice is almost a league in width , but i spent nearly two hours in crossing it . the opposite mountain is a bare perpendicular rock . from the side where i now stood montanvert was exactly opposite , at the distance of a league and above it rose mont blanc , in awful majesty . i remained in a recess of the rock , gazing on this wonderful and stupendous scene . the sea , or rather the vast river of ice , wound among its dependent mountains , whose aerial summits hung over its recesses . their icy and glittering peaks shone in the sunlight over the clouds . my heart , which was before sorrowful , now swelled with something like joy i exclaimed , wandering spirits , if indeed ye wander , and do not rest in your narrow beds , allow me this faint happiness , or take me , as your companion , away from the joys of life . as i said this i suddenly beheld the figure of a man , at some distance , advancing towards me with superhuman speed . he bounded over the crevices in the ice , among which i had walked with caution his stature , also , as he approached , seemed to exceed that of man . i was troubled a mist came over my eyes , and i felt a faintness seize me , but i was quickly restored by the cold gale of the mountains . i perceived , as the shape came nearer that it was the wretch whom i had created . i trembled with rage and horror , resolving to wait his approach and then close with him in mortal combat . he approached his countenance bespoke bitter anguish , combined with disdain and malignity , while its unearthly ugliness rendered it almost too horrible for human eyes . but i scarcely observed this rage and hatred had at first deprived me of utterance , and i recovered only to overwhelm him with words expressive of furious detestation and contempt . devil , i exclaimed , do you dare approach me . and do not you fear the fierce vengeance of my arm wreaked on your miserable head . begone , vile insect . or rather , stay , that i may trample you to dust . and , oh . that i could , with the extinction of your miserable existence , restore those victims whom you have so diabolically murdered . i expected this reception , said the dmon . all men hate the wretched how , then , must i be hated , who am miserable beyond all living things . yet you , my creator , detest and spurn me , thy creature , to whom thou art bound by ties only dissoluble by the annihilation of one of us . you purpose to kill me . how dare you sport thus with life . do your duty towards me , and i will do mine towards you and the rest of mankind . if you will comply with my conditions , i will leave them and you at peace but if you refuse , i will glut the maw of death , until it be satiated with the blood of your remaining friends . abhorred monster . fiend that thou art . the tortures of hell are too mild a vengeance for thy crimes . wretched devil . you reproach me with your creation , come on , then , that i may extinguish the spark which i so negligently bestowed . my rage was without bounds i sprang on him , impelled by all the feelings which can arm one being against the existence of another . he easily eluded me and said , be calm . i entreat you to hear me before you give vent to your hatred on my devoted head . have i not suffered enough , that you seek to increase my misery . life , although it may only be an accumulation of anguish , is dear to me , and i will defend it . remember , thou hast made me more powerful than thyself my height is superior to thine , my joints more supple . but i will not be tempted to set myself in opposition to thee . i am thy creature , and i will be even mild and docile to my natural lord and king if thou wilt also perform thy part , the which thou owest me . oh , frankenstein , be not equitable to every other and trample upon me alone , to whom thy justice , and even thy clemency and affection , is most due . remember that i am thy creature i ought to be thy adam , but i am rather the fallen angel , whom thou drivest from joy for no misdeed . everywhere i see bliss , from which i alone am irrevocably excluded . i was benevolent and good misery made me a fiend . make me happy , and i shall again be virtuous . begone . i will not hear you . there can be no community between you and me we are enemies . begone , or let us try our strength in a fight , in which one must fall . how can i move thee . will no entreaties cause thee to turn a favourable eye upon thy creature , who implores thy goodness and compassion . believe me , frankenstein , i was benevolent my soul glowed with love and humanity but am i not alone , miserably alone . you , my creator , abhor me what hope can i gather from your fellow creatures , who owe me nothing . they spurn and hate me . the desert mountains and dreary glaciers are my refuge . i have wandered here many days the caves of ice , which i only do not fear , are a dwelling to me , and the only one which man does not grudge . these bleak skies i hail , for they are kinder to me than your fellow beings . if the multitude of mankind knew of my existence , they would do as you do , and arm themselves for my destruction . shall i not then hate them who abhor me . i will keep no terms with my enemies . i am miserable , and they shall share my wretchedness . yet it is in your power to recompense me , and deliver them from an evil which it only remains for you to make so great , that not only you and your family , but thousands of others , shall be swallowed up in the whirlwinds of its rage . let your compassion be moved , and do not disdain me . listen to my tale when you have heard that , abandon or commiserate me , as you shall judge that i deserve . but hear me . the guilty are allowed , by human laws , bloody as they are , to speak in their own defence before they are condemned . listen to me , frankenstein . you accuse me of murder , and yet you would , with a satisfied conscience , destroy your own creature . oh , praise the eternal justice of man . yet i ask you not to spare me listen to me , and then , if you can , and if you will , destroy the work of your hands . why do you call to my remembrance , i rejoined , circumstances of which i shudder to reflect , that i have been the miserable origin and author . cursed be the day , abhorred devil , in which you first saw light . cursed be the hands that formed you . you have made me wretched beyond expression . you have left me no power to consider whether i am just to you or not . begone . relieve me from the sight of your detested form . thus i relieve thee , my creator , he said , and placed his hated hands before my eyes , which i flung from me with violence thus i take from thee a sight which you abhor . still thou canst listen to me and grant me thy compassion . by the virtues that i once possessed , i demand this from you . hear my tale it is long and strange , and the temperature of this place is not fitting to your fine sensations come to the hut upon the mountain . the sun is yet high in the heavens before it descends to hide itself behind your snowy precipices and illuminate another world , you will have heard my story and can decide . on you it rests , whether i quit for ever the neighbourhood of man and lead a harmless life , or become the scourge of your fellow creatures and the author of your own speedy ruin . as he said this he led the way across the ice i followed . my heart was full , and i did not answer him , but as i proceeded , i weighed the various arguments that he had used and determined at least to listen to his tale . i was partly urged by curiosity , and compassion confirmed my resolution . i had hitherto supposed him to be the murderer of my brother , and i eagerly sought a confirmation or denial of this opinion . for the first time , also , i felt what the duties of a creator towards his creature were , and that i ought to render him happy before i complained of his wickedness . these motives urged me to comply with his demand . we crossed the ice , therefore , and ascended the opposite rock . the air was cold , and the rain again began to descend we entered the hut , the fiend with an air of exultation , i with a heavy heart and depressed spirits . but i consented to listen , and seating myself by the fire which my odious companion had lighted , he thus began his tale . chapter it is with considerable difficulty that i remember the original era of my being all the events of that period appear confused and indistinct . a strange multiplicity of sensations seized me , and i saw , felt , heard , and smelt at the same time and it was , indeed , a long time before i learned to distinguish between the operations of my various senses . by degrees , i remember , a stronger light pressed upon my nerves , so that i was obliged to shut my eyes . darkness then came over me and troubled me , but hardly had i felt this when , by opening my eyes , as i now suppose , the light poured in upon me again . i walked and , i believe , descended , but i presently found a great alteration in my sensations . before , dark and opaque bodies had surrounded me , impervious to my touch or sight but i now found that i could wander on at liberty , with no obstacles which i could not either surmount or avoid . the light became more and more oppressive to me , and the heat wearying me as i walked , i sought a place where i could receive shade . this was the forest near ingolstadt and here i lay by the side of a brook resting from my fatigue , until i felt tormented by hunger and thirst . this roused me from my nearly dormant state , and i ate some berries which i found hanging on the trees or lying on the ground . i slaked my thirst at the brook , and then lying down , was overcome by sleep . it was dark when i awoke i felt cold also , and half frightened , as it were , instinctively , finding myself so desolate . before i had quitted your apartment , on a sensation of cold , i had covered myself with some clothes , but these were insufficient to secure me from the dews of night . i was a poor , helpless , miserable wretch i knew , and could distinguish , nothing but feeling pain invade me on all sides , i sat down and wept . soon a gentle light stole over the heavens and gave me a sensation of pleasure . i started up and beheld a radiant form rise from among the trees . i gazed with a kind of wonder . it moved slowly , but it enlightened my path , and i again went out in search of berries . i was still cold when under one of the trees i found a huge cloak , with which i covered myself , and sat down upon the ground . no distinct ideas occupied my mind all was confused . i felt light , and hunger , and thirst , and darkness innumerable sounds rang in my ears , and on all sides various scents saluted me the only object that i could distinguish was the bright moon , and i fixed my eyes on that with pleasure . several changes of day and night passed , and the orb of night had greatly lessened , when i began to distinguish my sensations from each other . i gradually saw plainly the clear stream that supplied me with drink and the trees that shaded me with their foliage . i was delighted when i first discovered that a pleasant sound , which often saluted my ears , proceeded from the throats of the little winged animals who had often intercepted the light from my eyes . i began also to observe , with greater accuracy , the forms that surrounded me and to perceive the boundaries of the radiant roof of light which canopied me . sometimes i tried to imitate the pleasant songs of the birds but was unable . sometimes i wished to express my sensations in my own mode , but the uncouth and inarticulate sounds which broke from me frightened me into silence again . the moon had disappeared from the night , and again , with a lessened form , showed itself , while i still remained in the forest . my sensations had by this time become distinct , and my mind received every day additional ideas . my eyes became accustomed to the light and to perceive objects in their right forms i distinguished the insect from the herb , and by degrees , one herb from another . i found that the sparrow uttered none but harsh notes , whilst those of the blackbird and thrush were sweet and enticing . one day , when i was oppressed by cold , i found a fire which had been left by some wandering beggars , and was overcome with delight at the warmth i experienced from it . in my joy i thrust my hand into the live embers , but quickly drew it out again with a cry of pain . how strange , i thought , that the same cause should produce such opposite effects . i examined the materials of the fire , and to my joy found it to be composed of wood . i quickly collected some branches , but they were wet and would not burn . i was pained at this and sat still watching the operation of the fire . the wet wood which i had placed near the heat dried and itself became inflamed . i reflected on this , and by touching the various branches , i discovered the cause and busied myself in collecting a great quantity of wood , that i might dry it and have a plentiful supply of fire . when night came on and brought sleep with it , i was in the greatest fear lest my fire should be extinguished . i covered it carefully with dry wood and leaves and placed wet branches upon it and then , spreading my cloak , i lay on the ground and sank into sleep . it was morning when i awoke , and my first care was to visit the fire . i uncovered it , and a gentle breeze quickly fanned it into a flame . i observed this also and contrived a fan of branches , which roused the embers when they were nearly extinguished . when night came again i found , with pleasure , that the fire gave light as well as heat and that the discovery of this element was useful to me in my food , for i found some of the offals that the travellers had left had been roasted , and tasted much more savoury than the berries i gathered from the trees . i tried , therefore , to dress my food in the same manner , placing it on the live embers . i found that the berries were spoiled by this operation , and the nuts and roots much improved . food , however , became scarce , and i often spent the whole day searching in vain for a few acorns to assuage the pangs of hunger . when i found this , i resolved to quit the place that i had hitherto inhabited , to seek for one where the few wants i experienced would be more easily satisfied . in this emigration i exceedingly lamented the loss of the fire which i had obtained through accident and knew not how to reproduce it . i gave several hours to the serious consideration of this difficulty , but i was obliged to relinquish all attempt to supply it , and wrapping myself up in my cloak , i struck across the wood towards the setting sun . i passed three days in these rambles and at length discovered the open country . a great fall of snow had taken place the night before , and the fields were of one uniform white the appearance was disconsolate , and i found my feet chilled by the cold damp substance that covered the ground . it was about seven in the morning , and i longed to obtain food and shelter at length i perceived a small hut , on a rising ground , which had doubtless been built for the convenience of some shepherd . this was a new sight to me , and i examined the structure with great curiosity . finding the door open , i entered . an old man sat in it , near a fire , over which he was preparing his breakfast . he turned on hearing a noise , and perceiving me , shrieked loudly , and quitting the hut , ran across the fields with a speed of which his debilitated form hardly appeared capable . his appearance , different from any i had ever before seen , and his flight somewhat surprised me . but i was enchanted by the appearance of the hut here the snow and rain could not penetrate the ground was dry and it presented to me then as exquisite and divine a retreat as pandmonium appeared to the dmons of hell after their sufferings in the lake of fire . i greedily devoured the remnants of the shepherds breakfast , which consisted of bread , cheese , milk , and wine the latter , however , i did not like . then , overcome by fatigue , i lay down among some straw and fell asleep . it was noon when i awoke , and allured by the warmth of the sun , which shone brightly on the white ground , i determined to recommence my travels and , depositing the remains of the peasants breakfast in a wallet i found , i proceeded across the fields for several hours , until at sunset i arrived at a village . how miraculous did this appear . the huts , the neater cottages , and stately houses engaged my admiration by turns . the vegetables in the gardens , the milk and cheese that i saw placed at the windows of some of the cottages , allured my appetite . one of the best of these i entered , but i had hardly placed my foot within the door before the children shrieked , and one of the women fainted . the whole village was roused some fled , some attacked me , until , grievously bruised by stones and many other kinds of missile weapons , i escaped to the open country and fearfully took refuge in a low hovel , quite bare , and making a wretched appearance after the palaces i had beheld in the village . this hovel however , joined a cottage of a neat and pleasant appearance , but after my late dearly bought experience , i dared not enter it . my place of refuge was constructed of wood , but so low that i could with difficulty sit upright in it . no wood , however , was placed on the earth , which formed the floor , but it was dry and although the wind entered it by innumerable chinks , i found it an agreeable asylum from the snow and rain . here , then , i retreated and lay down happy to have found a shelter , however miserable , from the inclemency of the season , and still more from the barbarity of man . as soon as morning dawned i crept from my kennel , that i might view the adjacent cottage and discover if i could remain in the habitation i had found . it was situated against the back of the cottage and surrounded on the sides which were exposed by a pig sty and a clear pool of water . one part was open , and by that i had crept in but now i covered every crevice by which i might be perceived with stones and wood , yet in such a manner that i might move them on occasion to pass out all the light i enjoyed came through the sty , and that was sufficient for me . having thus arranged my dwelling and carpeted it with clean straw , i retired , for i saw the figure of a man at a distance , and i remembered too well my treatment the night before to trust myself in his power . i had first , however , provided for my sustenance for that day by a loaf of coarse bread , which i purloined , and a cup with which i could drink more conveniently than from my hand of the pure water which flowed by my retreat . the floor was a little raised , so that it was kept perfectly dry , and by its vicinity to the chimney of the cottage it was tolerably warm . being thus provided , i resolved to reside in this hovel until something should occur which might alter my determination . it was indeed a paradise compared to the bleak forest , my former residence , the rain dropping branches , and dank earth . i ate my breakfast with pleasure and was about to remove a plank to procure myself a little water when i heard a step , and looking through a small chink , i beheld a young creature , with a pail on her head , passing before my hovel . the girl was young and of gentle demeanour , unlike what i have since found cottagers and farmhouse servants to be . yet she was meanly dressed , a coarse blue petticoat and a linen jacket being her only garb her fair hair was plaited but not adorned she looked patient yet sad . i lost sight of her , and in about a quarter of an hour she returned bearing the pail , which was now partly filled with milk . as she walked along , seemingly incommoded by the burden , a young man met her , whose countenance expressed a deeper despondence . uttering a few sounds with an air of melancholy , he took the pail from her head and bore it to the cottage himself . she followed , and they disappeared . presently i saw the young man again , with some tools in his hand , cross the field behind the cottage and the girl was also busied , sometimes in the house and sometimes in the yard . on examining my dwelling , i found that one of the windows of the cottage had formerly occupied a part of it , but the panes had been filled up with wood . in one of these was a small and almost imperceptible chink through which the eye could just penetrate . through this crevice a small room was visible , whitewashed and clean but very bare of furniture . in one corner , near a small fire , sat an old man , leaning his head on his hands in a disconsolate attitude . the young girl was occupied in arranging the cottage but presently she took something out of a drawer , which employed her hands , and she sat down beside the old man , who , taking up an instrument , began to play and to produce sounds sweeter than the voice of the thrush or the nightingale . it was a lovely sight , even to me , poor wretch who had never beheld aught beautiful before . the silver hair and benevolent countenance of the aged cottager won my reverence , while the gentle manners of the girl enticed my love . he played a sweet mournful air which i perceived drew tears from the eyes of his amiable companion , of which the old man took no notice , until she sobbed audibly he then pronounced a few sounds , and the fair creature , leaving her work , knelt at his feet . he raised her and smiled with such kindness and affection that i felt sensations of a peculiar and overpowering nature they were a mixture of pain and pleasure , such as i had never before experienced , either from hunger or cold , warmth or food and i withdrew from the window , unable to bear these emotions . soon after this the young man returned , bearing on his shoulders a load of wood . the girl met him at the door , helped to relieve him of his burden , and taking some of the fuel into the cottage , placed it on the fire then she and the youth went apart into a nook of the cottage , and he showed her a large loaf and a piece of cheese . she seemed pleased and went into the garden for some roots and plants , which she placed in water , and then upon the fire . she afterwards continued her work , whilst the young man went into the garden and appeared busily employed in digging and pulling up roots . after he had been employed thus about an hour , the young woman joined him and they entered the cottage together . the old man had , in the meantime , been pensive , but on the appearance of his companions he assumed a more cheerful air , and they sat down to eat . the meal was quickly dispatched . the young woman was again occupied in arranging the cottage , the old man walked before the cottage in the sun for a few minutes , leaning on the arm of the youth . nothing could exceed in beauty the contrast between these two excellent creatures . one was old , with silver hairs and a countenance beaming with benevolence and love the younger was slight and graceful in his figure , and his features were moulded with the finest symmetry , yet his eyes and attitude expressed the utmost sadness and despondency . the old man returned to the cottage , and the youth , with tools different from those he had used in the morning , directed his steps across the fields . night quickly shut in , but to my extreme wonder , i found that the cottagers had a means of prolonging light by the use of tapers , and was delighted to find that the setting of the sun did not put an end to the pleasure i experienced in watching my human neighbours . in the evening the young girl and her companion were employed in various occupations which i did not understand and the old man again took up the instrument which produced the divine sounds that had enchanted me in the morning . so soon as he had finished , the youth began , not to play , but to utter sounds that were monotonous , and neither resembling the harmony of the old mans instrument nor the songs of the birds i since found that he read aloud , but at that time i knew nothing of the science of words or letters . the family , after having been thus occupied for a short time , extinguished their lights and retired , as i conjectured , to rest . chapter i lay on my straw , but i could not sleep . i thought of the occurrences of the day . what chiefly struck me was the gentle manners of these people , and i longed to join them , but dared not . i remembered too well the treatment i had suffered the night before from the barbarous villagers , and resolved , whatever course of conduct i might hereafter think it right to pursue , that for the present i would remain quietly in my hovel , watching and endeavouring to discover the motives which influenced their actions . the cottagers arose the next morning before the sun . the young woman arranged the cottage and prepared the food , and the youth departed after the first meal . this day was passed in the same routine as that which preceded it . the young man was constantly employed out of doors , and the girl in various laborious occupations within . the old man , whom i soon perceived to be blind , employed his leisure hours on his instrument or in contemplation . nothing could exceed the love and respect which the younger cottagers exhibited towards their venerable companion . they performed towards him every little office of affection and duty with gentleness , and he rewarded them by his benevolent smiles . they were not entirely happy . the young man and his companion often went apart and appeared to weep . i saw no cause for their unhappiness , but i was deeply affected by it . if such lovely creatures were miserable , it was less strange that i , an imperfect and solitary being , should be wretched . yet why were these gentle beings unhappy . they possessed a delightful house and every luxury they had a fire to warm them when chill and delicious viands when hungry they were dressed in excellent clothes and , still more , they enjoyed one anothers company and speech , interchanging each day looks of affection and kindness . what did their tears imply . did they really express pain . i was at first unable to solve these questions , but perpetual attention and time explained to me many appearances which were at first enigmatic . a considerable period elapsed before i discovered one of the causes of the uneasiness of this amiable family it was poverty , and they suffered that evil in a very distressing degree . their nourishment consisted entirely of the vegetables of their garden and the milk of one cow , which gave very little during the winter , when its masters could scarcely procure food to support it . they often , i believe , suffered the pangs of hunger very poignantly , especially the two younger cottagers , for several times they placed food before the old man when they reserved none for themselves . this trait of kindness moved me sensibly . i had been accustomed , during the night , to steal a part of their store for my own consumption , but when i found that in doing this i inflicted pain on the cottagers , i abstained and satisfied myself with berries , nuts , and roots which i gathered from a neighbouring wood . i discovered also another means through which i was enabled to assist their labours . i found that the youth spent a great part of each day in collecting wood for the family fire , and during the night i often took his tools , the use of which i quickly discovered , and brought home firing sufficient for the consumption of several days . i remember , the first time that i did this , the young woman , when she opened the door in the morning , appeared greatly astonished on seeing a great pile of wood on the outside . she uttered some words in a loud voice , and the youth joined her , who also expressed surprise . i observed , with pleasure , that he did not go to the forest that day , but spent it in repairing the cottage and cultivating the garden . by degrees i made a discovery of still greater moment . i found that these people possessed a method of communicating their experience and feelings to one another by articulate sounds . i perceived that the words they spoke sometimes produced pleasure or pain , smiles or sadness , in the minds and countenances of the hearers . this was indeed a godlike science , and i ardently desired to become acquainted with it . but i was baffled in every attempt i made for this purpose . their pronunciation was quick , and the words they uttered , not having any apparent connection with visible objects , i was unable to discover any clue by which i could unravel the mystery of their reference . by great application , however , and after having remained during the space of several revolutions of the moon in my hovel , i discovered the names that were given to some of the most familiar objects of discourse i learned and applied the words , fire , milk , bread , and wood . i learned also the names of the cottagers themselves . the youth and his companion had each of them several names , but the old man had only one , which was father . the girl was called sister or agatha , and the youth felix , brother , or son . i cannot describe the delight i felt when i learned the ideas appropriated to each of these sounds and was able to pronounce them . i distinguished several other words without being able as yet to understand or apply them , such as good , dearest , unhappy . i spent the winter in this manner . the gentle manners and beauty of the cottagers greatly endeared them to me when they were unhappy , i felt depressed when they rejoiced , i sympathised in their joys . i saw few human beings besides them , and if any other happened to enter the cottage , their harsh manners and rude gait only enhanced to me the superior accomplishments of my friends . the old man , i could perceive , often endeavoured to encourage his children , as sometimes i found that he called them , to cast off their melancholy . he would talk in a cheerful accent , with an expression of goodness that bestowed pleasure even upon me . agatha listened with respect , her eyes sometimes filled with tears , which she endeavoured to wipe away unperceived but i generally found that her countenance and tone were more cheerful after having listened to the exhortations of her father . it was not thus with felix . he was always the saddest of the group , and even to my unpractised senses , he appeared to have suffered more deeply than his friends . but if his countenance was more sorrowful , his voice was more cheerful than that of his sister , especially when he addressed the old man . i could mention innumerable instances which , although slight , marked the dispositions of these amiable cottagers . in the midst of poverty and want , felix carried with pleasure to his sister the first little white flower that peeped out from beneath the snowy ground . early in the morning , before she had risen , he cleared away the snow that obstructed her path to the milk house, , drew water from the well , and brought the wood from the outhouse , where , to his perpetual astonishment , he found his store always replenished by an invisible hand . in the day , i believe , he worked sometimes for a neighbouring farmer , because he often went forth and did not return until dinner , yet brought no wood with him . at other times he worked in the garden , but as there was little to do in the frosty season , he read to the old man and agatha . this reading had puzzled me extremely at first , but by degrees i discovered that he uttered many of the same sounds when he read as when he talked . i conjectured , therefore , that he found on the paper signs for speech which he understood , and i ardently longed to comprehend these also but how was that possible when i did not even understand the sounds for which they stood as signs . i improved , however , sensibly in this science , but not sufficiently to follow up any kind of conversation , although i applied my whole mind to the endeavour , for i easily perceived that , although i eagerly longed to discover myself to the cottagers , i ought not to make the attempt until i had first become master of their language , which knowledge might enable me to make them overlook the deformity of my figure , for with this also the contrast perpetually presented to my eyes had made me acquainted . i had admired the perfect forms of my cottagerstheir grace , beauty , and delicate complexions but how was i terrified when i viewed myself in a transparent pool . at first i started back , unable to believe that it was indeed i who was reflected in the mirror and when i became fully convinced that i was in reality the monster that i am , i was filled with the bitterest sensations of despondence and mortification . alas . i did not yet entirely know the fatal effects of this miserable deformity . as the sun became warmer and the light of day longer , the snow vanished , and i beheld the bare trees and the black earth . from this time felix was more employed , and the heart moving indications of impending famine disappeared . their food , as i afterwards found , was coarse , but it was wholesome and they procured a sufficiency of it . several new kinds of plants sprang up in the garden , which they dressed and these signs of comfort increased daily as the season advanced . the old man , leaning on his son , walked each day at noon , when it did not rain , as i found it was called when the heavens poured forth its waters . this frequently took place , but a high wind quickly dried the earth , and the season became far more pleasant than it had been . my mode of life in my hovel was uniform . during the morning i attended the motions of the cottagers , and when they were dispersed in various occupations , i slept the remainder of the day was spent in observing my friends . when they had retired to rest , if there was any moon or the night was star light, , i went into the woods and collected my own food and fuel for the cottage . when i returned , as often as it was necessary , i cleared their path from the snow and performed those offices that i had seen done by felix . i afterwards found that these labours , performed by an invisible hand , greatly astonished them and once or twice i heard them , on these occasions , utter the words good spirit , wonderful but i did not then understand the signification of these terms . my thoughts now became more active , and i longed to discover the motives and feelings of these lovely creatures i was inquisitive to know why felix appeared so miserable and agatha so sad . i thought that it might be in my power to restore happiness to these deserving people . when i slept or was absent , the forms of the venerable blind father , the gentle agatha , and the excellent felix flitted before me . i looked upon them as superior beings who would be the arbiters of my future destiny . i formed in my imagination a thousand pictures of presenting myself to them , and their reception of me . i imagined that they would be disgusted , until , by my gentle demeanour and conciliating words , i should first win their favour and afterwards their love . these thoughts exhilarated me and led me to apply with fresh ardour to the acquiring the art of language . my organs were indeed harsh , but supple and although my voice was very unlike the soft music of their tones , yet i pronounced such words as i understood with tolerable ease . it was as the ass and the lap dog yet surely the gentle ass whose intentions were affectionate , although his manners were rude , deserved better treatment than blows and execration . the pleasant showers and genial warmth of spring greatly altered the aspect of the earth . men who before this change seemed to have been hid in caves dispersed themselves and were employed in various arts of cultivation . the birds sang in more cheerful notes , and the leaves began to bud forth on the trees . happy , earth . fit habitation for gods , which , so short a time before , was bleak , damp , and unwholesome . my spirits were elevated by the enchanting appearance of nature the past was blotted from my memory , the present was tranquil , and the future gilded by bright rays of hope and anticipations of joy . chapter i now hasten to the more moving part of my story . i shall relate events that impressed me with feelings which , from what i had been , have made me what i am . spring advanced rapidly the weather became fine and the skies cloudless . it surprised me that what before was desert and gloomy should now bloom with the most beautiful flowers and verdure . my senses were gratified and refreshed by a thousand scents of delight and a thousand sights of beauty . it was on one of these days , when my cottagers periodically rested from labourthe old man played on his guitar , and the children listened to himthat i observed the countenance of felix was melancholy beyond expression he sighed frequently , and once his father paused in his music , and i conjectured by his manner that he inquired the cause of his sons sorrow . felix replied in a cheerful accent , and the old man was recommencing his music when someone tapped at the door . it was a lady on horseback , accompanied by a country man as a guide . the lady was dressed in a dark suit and covered with a thick black veil . agatha asked a question , to which the stranger only replied by pronouncing , in a sweet accent , the name of felix . her voice was musical but unlike that of either of my friends . on hearing this word , felix came up hastily to the lady , who , when she saw him , threw up her veil , and i beheld a countenance of angelic beauty and expression . her hair of a shining raven black , and curiously braided her eyes were dark , but gentle , although animated her features of a regular proportion , and her complexion wondrously fair , each cheek tinged with a lovely pink . felix seemed ravished with delight when he saw her , every trait of sorrow vanished from his face , and it instantly expressed a degree of ecstatic joy , of which i could hardly have believed it capable his eyes sparkled , as his cheek flushed with pleasure and at that moment i thought him as beautiful as the stranger . she appeared affected by different feelings wiping a few tears from her lovely eyes , she held out her hand to felix , who kissed it rapturously and called her , as well as i could distinguish , his sweet arabian . she did not appear to understand him , but smiled . he assisted her to dismount , and dismissing her guide , conducted her into the cottage . some conversation took place between him and his father , and the young stranger knelt at the old mans feet and would have kissed his hand , but he raised her and embraced her affectionately . i soon perceived that although the stranger uttered articulate sounds and appeared to have a language of her own , she was neither understood by nor herself understood the cottagers . they made many signs which i did not comprehend , but i saw that her presence diffused gladness through the cottage , dispelling their sorrow as the sun dissipates the morning mists . felix seemed peculiarly happy and with smiles of delight welcomed his arabian . agatha , the ever gentle agatha , kissed the hands of the lovely stranger , and pointing to her brother , made signs which appeared to me to mean that he had been sorrowful until she came . some hours passed thus , while they , by their countenances , expressed joy , the cause of which i did not comprehend . presently i found , by the frequent recurrence of some sound which the stranger repeated after them , that she was endeavouring to learn their language and the idea instantly occurred to me that i should make use of the same instructions to the same end . the stranger learned about twenty words at the first lesson most of them , indeed , were those which i had before understood , but i profited by the others . as night came on , agatha and the arabian retired early . when they separated felix kissed the hand of the stranger and said , good night sweet safie . he sat up much longer , conversing with his father , and by the frequent repetition of her name i conjectured that their lovely guest was the subject of their conversation . i ardently desired to understand them , and bent every faculty towards that purpose , but found it utterly impossible . the next morning felix went out to his work , and after the usual occupations of agatha were finished , the arabian sat at the feet of the old man , and taking his guitar , played some airs so entrancingly beautiful that they at once drew tears of sorrow and delight from my eyes . she sang , and her voice flowed in a rich cadence , swelling or dying away like a nightingale of the woods . when she had finished , she gave the guitar to agatha , who at first declined it . she played a simple air , and her voice accompanied it in sweet accents , but unlike the wondrous strain of the stranger . the old man appeared enraptured and said some words which agatha endeavoured to explain to safie , and by which he appeared to wish to express that she bestowed on him the greatest delight by her music . the days now passed as peaceably as before , with the sole alteration that joy had taken place of sadness in the countenances of my friends . safie was always gay and happy she and i improved rapidly in the knowledge of language , so that in two months i began to comprehend most of the words uttered by my protectors . in the meanwhile also the black ground was covered with herbage , and the green banks interspersed with innumerable flowers , sweet to the scent and the eyes , stars of pale radiance among the moonlight woods the sun became warmer , the nights clear and balmy and my nocturnal rambles were an extreme pleasure to me , although they were considerably shortened by the late setting and early rising of the sun , for i never ventured abroad during daylight , fearful of meeting with the same treatment i had formerly endured in the first village which i entered . my days were spent in close attention , that i might more speedily master the language and i may boast that i improved more rapidly than the arabian , who understood very little and conversed in broken accents , whilst i comprehended and could imitate almost every word that was spoken . while i improved in speech , i also learned the science of letters as it was taught to the stranger , and this opened before me a wide field for wonder and delight . the book from which felix instructed safie was volneys ruins of empires . i should not have understood the purport of this book had not felix , in reading it , given very minute explanations . he had chosen this work , he said , because the declamatory style was framed in imitation of the eastern authors . through this work i obtained a cursory knowledge of history and a view of the several empires at present existing in the world it gave me an insight into the manners , governments , and religions of the different nations of the earth . i heard of the slothful asiatics , of the stupendous genius and mental activity of the grecians , of the wars and wonderful virtue of the early romansof their subsequent degeneratingof the decline of that mighty empire , of chivalry , christianity , and kings . i heard of the discovery of the american hemisphere and wept with safie over the hapless fate of its original inhabitants . these wonderful narrations inspired me with strange feelings . was man , indeed , at once so powerful , so virtuous and magnificent , yet so vicious and base . he appeared at one time a mere scion of the evil principle and at another as all that can be conceived of noble and godlike . to be a great and virtuous man appeared the highest honour that can befall a sensitive being to be base and vicious , as many on record have been , appeared the lowest degradation , a condition more abject than that of the blind mole or harmless worm . for a long time i could not conceive how one man could go forth to murder his fellow , or even why there were laws and governments but when i heard details of vice and bloodshed , my wonder ceased and i turned away with disgust and loathing . every conversation of the cottagers now opened new wonders to me . while i listened to the instructions which felix bestowed upon the arabian , the strange system of human society was explained to me . i heard of the division of property , of immense wealth and squalid poverty , of rank , descent , and noble blood . the words induced me to turn towards myself . i learned that the possessions most esteemed by your fellow creatures were high and unsullied descent united with riches . a man might be respected with only one of these advantages , but without either he was considered , except in very rare instances , as a vagabond and a slave , doomed to waste his powers for the profits of the chosen few . and what was i . of my creation and creator i was absolutely ignorant , but i knew that i possessed no money , no friends , no kind of property . i was , besides , endued with a figure hideously deformed and loathsome i was not even of the same nature as man . i was more agile than they and could subsist upon coarser diet i bore the extremes of heat and cold with less injury to my frame my stature far exceeded theirs . when i looked around i saw and heard of none like me . was i , then , a monster , a blot upon the earth , from which all men fled and whom all men disowned . i cannot describe to you the agony that these reflections inflicted upon me i tried to dispel them , but sorrow only increased with knowledge . oh , that i had for ever remained in my native wood , nor known nor felt beyond the sensations of hunger , thirst , and heat . of what a strange nature is knowledge . it clings to the mind when it has once seized on it like a lichen on the rock . i wished sometimes to shake off all thought and feeling , but i learned that there was but one means to overcome the sensation of pain , and that was deatha state which i feared yet did not understand . i admired virtue and good feelings and loved the gentle manners and amiable qualities of my cottagers , but i was shut out from intercourse with them , except through means which i obtained by stealth , when i was unseen and unknown , and which rather increased than satisfied the desire i had of becoming one among my fellows . the gentle words of agatha and the animated smiles of the charming arabian were not for me . the mild exhortations of the old man and the lively conversation of the loved felix were not for me . miserable , unhappy wretch . other lessons were impressed upon me even more deeply . i heard of the difference of sexes , and the birth and growth of children , how the father doted on the smiles of the infant , and the lively sallies of the older child , how all the life and cares of the mother were wrapped up in the precious charge , how the mind of youth expanded and gained knowledge , of brother , sister , and all the various relationships which bind one human being to another in mutual bonds . but where were my friends and relations . no father had watched my infant days , no mother had blessed me with smiles and caresses or if they had , all my past life was now a blot , a blind vacancy in which i distinguished nothing . from my earliest remembrance i had been as i then was in height and proportion . i had never yet seen a being resembling me or who claimed any intercourse with me . what was i . the question again recurred , to be answered only with groans . i will soon explain to what these feelings tended , but allow me now to return to the cottagers , whose story excited in me such various feelings of indignation , delight , and wonder , but which all terminated in additional love and reverence for my protectors for so i loved , in an innocent , half painful self deceit, , to call them . chapter some time elapsed before i learned the history of my friends . it was one which could not fail to impress itself deeply on my mind , unfolding as it did a number of circumstances , each interesting and wonderful to one so utterly inexperienced as i was . the name of the old man was de lacey . he was descended from a good family in france , where he had lived for many years in affluence , respected by his superiors and beloved by his equals . his son was bred in the service of his country , and agatha had ranked with ladies of the highest distinction . a few months before my arrival they had lived in a large and luxurious city called paris , surrounded by friends and possessed of every enjoyment which virtue , refinement of intellect , or taste , accompanied by a moderate fortune , could afford . the father of safie had been the cause of their ruin . he was a turkish merchant and had inhabited paris for many years , when , for some reason which i could not learn , he became obnoxious to the government . he was seized and cast into prison the very day that safie arrived from constantinople to join him . he was tried and condemned to death . the injustice of his sentence was very flagrant all paris was indignant and it was judged that his religion and wealth rather than the crime alleged against him had been the cause of his condemnation . felix had accidentally been present at the trial his horror and indignation were uncontrollable when he heard the decision of the court . he made , at that moment , a solemn vow to deliver him and then looked around for the means . after many fruitless attempts to gain admittance to the prison , he found a strongly grated window in an unguarded part of the building , which lighted the dungeon of the unfortunate muhammadan , who , loaded with chains , waited in despair the execution of the barbarous sentence . felix visited the grate at night and made known to the prisoner his intentions in his favour . the turk , amazed and delighted , endeavoured to kindle the zeal of his deliverer by promises of reward and wealth . felix rejected his offers with contempt , yet when he saw the lovely safie , who was allowed to visit her father and who by her gestures expressed her lively gratitude , the youth could not help owning to his own mind that the captive possessed a treasure which would fully reward his toil and hazard . the turk quickly perceived the impression that his daughter had made on the heart of felix and endeavoured to secure him more entirely in his interests by the promise of her hand in marriage so soon as he should be conveyed to a place of safety . felix was too delicate to accept this offer , yet he looked forward to the probability of the event as to the consummation of his happiness . during the ensuing days , while the preparations were going forward for the escape of the merchant , the zeal of felix was warmed by several letters that he received from this lovely girl , who found means to express her thoughts in the language of her lover by the aid of an old man , a servant of her father who understood french . she thanked him in the most ardent terms for his intended services towards her parent , and at the same time she gently deplored her own fate . i have copies of these letters , for i found means , during my residence in the hovel , to procure the implements of writing and the letters were often in the hands of felix or agatha . before i depart i will give them to you they will prove the truth of my tale but at present , as the sun is already far declined , i shall only have time to repeat the substance of them to you . safie related that her mother was a christian arab , seized and made a slave by the turks recommended by her beauty , she had won the heart of the father of safie , who married her . the young girl spoke in high and enthusiastic terms of her mother , who , born in freedom , spurned the bondage to which she was now reduced . she instructed her daughter in the tenets of her religion and taught her to aspire to higher powers of intellect and an independence of spirit forbidden to the female followers of muhammad . this lady died , but her lessons were indelibly impressed on the mind of safie , who sickened at the prospect of again returning to asia and being immured within the walls of a harem , allowed only to occupy herself with infantile amusements , ill suited to the temper of her soul , now accustomed to grand ideas and a noble emulation for virtue . the prospect of marrying a christian and remaining in a country where women were allowed to take a rank in society was enchanting to her . the day for the execution of the turk was fixed , but on the night previous to it he quitted his prison and before morning was distant many leagues from paris . felix had procured passports in the name of his father , sister , and himself . he had previously communicated his plan to the former , who aided the deceit by quitting his house , under the pretence of a journey and concealed himself , with his daughter , in an obscure part of paris . felix conducted the fugitives through france to lyons and across mont cenis to leghorn , where the merchant had decided to wait a favourable opportunity of passing into some part of the turkish dominions . safie resolved to remain with her father until the moment of his departure , before which time the turk renewed his promise that she should be united to his deliverer and felix remained with them in expectation of that event and in the meantime he enjoyed the society of the arabian , who exhibited towards him the simplest and tenderest affection . they conversed with one another through the means of an interpreter , and sometimes with the interpretation of looks and safie sang to him the divine airs of her native country . the turk allowed this intimacy to take place and encouraged the hopes of the youthful lovers , while in his heart he had formed far other plans . he loathed the idea that his daughter should be united to a christian , but he feared the resentment of felix if he should appear lukewarm , for he knew that he was still in the power of his deliverer if he should choose to betray him to the italian state which they inhabited . he revolved a thousand plans by which he should be enabled to prolong the deceit until it might be no longer necessary , and secretly to take his daughter with him when he departed . his plans were facilitated by the news which arrived from paris . the government of france were greatly enraged at the escape of their victim and spared no pains to detect and punish his deliverer . the plot of felix was quickly discovered , and de lacey and agatha were thrown into prison . the news reached felix and roused him from his dream of pleasure . his blind and aged father and his gentle sister lay in a noisome dungeon while he enjoyed the free air and the society of her whom he loved . this idea was torture to him . he quickly arranged with the turk that if the latter should find a favourable opportunity for escape before felix could return to italy , safie should remain as a boarder at a convent at leghorn and then , quitting the lovely arabian , he hastened to paris and delivered himself up to the vengeance of the law , hoping to free de lacey and agatha by this proceeding . he did not succeed . they remained confined for five months before the trial took place , the result of which deprived them of their fortune and condemned them to a perpetual exile from their native country . they found a miserable asylum in the cottage in germany , where i discovered them . felix soon learned that the treacherous turk , for whom he and his family endured such unheard of oppression , on discovering that his deliverer was thus reduced to poverty and ruin , became a traitor to good feeling and honour and had quitted italy with his daughter , insultingly sending felix a pittance of money to aid him , as he said , in some plan of future maintenance . such were the events that preyed on the heart of felix and rendered him , when i first saw him , the most miserable of his family . he could have endured poverty , and while this distress had been the meed of his virtue , he gloried in it but the ingratitude of the turk and the loss of his beloved safie were misfortunes more bitter and irreparable . the arrival of the arabian now infused new life into his soul . when the news reached leghorn that felix was deprived of his wealth and rank , the merchant commanded his daughter to think no more of her lover , but to prepare to return to her native country . the generous nature of safie was outraged by this command she attempted to expostulate with her father , but he left her angrily , reiterating his tyrannical mandate . a few days after , the turk entered his daughters apartment and told her hastily that he had reason to believe that his residence at leghorn had been divulged and that he should speedily be delivered up to the french government he had consequently hired a vessel to convey him to constantinople , for which city he should sail in a few hours . he intended to leave his daughter under the care of a confidential servant , to follow at her leisure with the greater part of his property , which had not yet arrived at leghorn . when alone , safie resolved in her own mind the plan of conduct that it would become her to pursue in this emergency . a residence in turkey was abhorrent to her religion and her feelings were alike averse to it . by some papers of her father which fell into her hands she heard of the exile of her lover and learnt the name of the spot where he then resided . she hesitated some time , but at length she formed her determination . taking with her some jewels that belonged to her and a sum of money , she quitted italy with an attendant , a native of leghorn , but who understood the common language of turkey , and departed for germany . she arrived in safety at a town about twenty leagues from the cottage of de lacey , when her attendant fell dangerously ill . safie nursed her with the most devoted affection , but the poor girl died , and the arabian was left alone , unacquainted with the language of the country and utterly ignorant of the customs of the world . she fell , however , into good hands . the italian had mentioned the name of the spot for which they were bound , and after her death the woman of the house in which they had lived took care that safie should arrive in safety at the cottage of her lover . chapter such was the history of my beloved cottagers . it impressed me deeply . i learned , from the views of social life which it developed , to admire their virtues and to deprecate the vices of mankind . as yet i looked upon crime as a distant evil , benevolence and generosity were ever present before me , inciting within me a desire to become an actor in the busy scene where so many admirable qualities were called forth and displayed . but in giving an account of the progress of my intellect , i must not omit a circumstance which occurred in the beginning of the month of august of the same year . one night during my accustomed visit to the neighbouring wood where i collected my own food and brought home firing for my protectors , i found on the ground a leathern portmanteau containing several articles of dress and some books . i eagerly seized the prize and returned with it to my hovel . fortunately the books were written in the language , the elements of which i had acquired at the cottage they consisted of paradise lost , a volume of plutarchs lives , and the sorrows of werter . the possession of these treasures gave me extreme delight i now continually studied and exercised my mind upon these histories , whilst my friends were employed in their ordinary occupations . i can hardly describe to you the effect of these books . they produced in me an infinity of new images and feelings , that sometimes raised me to ecstasy , but more frequently sunk me into the lowest dejection . in the sorrows of werter , besides the interest of its simple and affecting story , so many opinions are canvassed and so many lights thrown upon what had hitherto been to me obscure subjects that i found in it a never ending source of speculation and astonishment . the gentle and domestic manners it described , combined with lofty sentiments and feelings , which had for their object something out of self , accorded well with my experience among my protectors and with the wants which were for ever alive in my own bosom . but i thought werter himself a more divine being than i had ever beheld or imagined his character contained no pretension , but it sank deep . the disquisitions upon death and suicide were calculated to fill me with wonder . i did not pretend to enter into the merits of the case , yet i inclined towards the opinions of the hero , whose extinction i wept , without precisely understanding it . as i read , however , i applied much personally to my own feelings and condition . i found myself similar yet at the same time strangely unlike to the beings concerning whom i read and to whose conversation i was a listener . i sympathised with and partly understood them , but i was unformed in mind i was dependent on none and related to none . the path of my departure was free , and there was none to lament my annihilation . my person was hideous and my stature gigantic . what did this mean . who was i . what was i . whence did i come . what was my destination . these questions continually recurred , but i was unable to solve them . the volume of plutarchs lives which i possessed contained the histories of the first founders of the ancient republics . this book had a far different effect upon me from the sorrows of werter . i learned from werters imaginations despondency and gloom , but plutarch taught me high thoughts he elevated me above the wretched sphere of my own reflections , to admire and love the heroes of past ages . many things i read surpassed my understanding and experience . i had a very confused knowledge of kingdoms , wide extents of country , mighty rivers , and boundless seas . but i was perfectly unacquainted with towns and large assemblages of men . the cottage of my protectors had been the only school in which i had studied human nature , but this book developed new and mightier scenes of action . i read of men concerned in public affairs , governing or massacring their species . i felt the greatest ardour for virtue rise within me , and abhorrence for vice , as far as i understood the signification of those terms , relative as they were , as i applied them , to pleasure and pain alone . induced by these feelings , i was of course led to admire peaceable lawgivers , numa , solon , and lycurgus , in preference to romulus and theseus . the patriarchal lives of my protectors caused these impressions to take a firm hold on my mind perhaps , if my first introduction to humanity had been made by a young soldier , burning for glory and slaughter , i should have been imbued with different sensations . but paradise lost excited different and far deeper emotions . i read it , as i had read the other volumes which had fallen into my hands , as a true history . it moved every feeling of wonder and awe that the picture of an omnipotent god warring with his creatures was capable of exciting . i often referred the several situations , as their similarity struck me , to my own . like adam , i was apparently united by no link to any other being in existence but his state was far different from mine in every other respect . he had come forth from the hands of god a perfect creature , happy and prosperous , guarded by the especial care of his creator he was allowed to converse with and acquire knowledge from beings of a superior nature , but i was wretched , helpless , and alone . many times i considered satan as the fitter emblem of my condition , for often , like him , when i viewed the bliss of my protectors , the bitter gall of envy rose within me . another circumstance strengthened and confirmed these feelings . soon after my arrival in the hovel i discovered some papers in the pocket of the dress which i had taken from your laboratory . at first i had neglected them , but now that i was able to decipher the characters in which they were written , i began to study them with diligence . it was your journal of the four months that preceded my creation . you minutely described in these papers every step you took in the progress of your work this history was mingled with accounts of domestic occurrences . you doubtless recollect these papers . here they are . everything is related in them which bears reference to my accursed origin the whole detail of that series of disgusting circumstances which produced it is set in view the minutest description of my odious and loathsome person is given , in language which painted your own horrors and rendered mine indelible . i sickened as i read . hateful day when i received life . i exclaimed in agony . accursed creator . why did you form a monster so hideous that even you turned from me in disgust . god , in pity , made man beautiful and alluring , after his own image but my form is a filthy type of yours , more horrid even from the very resemblance . satan had his companions , fellow devils , to admire and encourage him , but i am solitary and abhorred . these were the reflections of my hours of despondency and solitude but when i contemplated the virtues of the cottagers , their amiable and benevolent dispositions , i persuaded myself that when they should become acquainted with my admiration of their virtues they would compassionate me and overlook my personal deformity . could they turn from their door one , however monstrous , who solicited their compassion and friendship . i resolved , at least , not to despair , but in every way to fit myself for an interview with them which would decide my fate . i postponed this attempt for some months longer , for the importance attached to its success inspired me with a dread lest i should fail . besides , i found that my understanding improved so much with every days experience that i was unwilling to commence this undertaking until a few more months should have added to my sagacity . several changes , in the meantime , took place in the cottage . the presence of safie diffused happiness among its inhabitants , and i also found that a greater degree of plenty reigned there . felix and agatha spent more time in amusement and conversation , and were assisted in their labours by servants . they did not appear rich , but they were contented and happy their feelings were serene and peaceful , while mine became every day more tumultuous . increase of knowledge only discovered to me more clearly what a wretched outcast i was . i cherished hope , it is true , but it vanished when i beheld my person reflected in water or my shadow in the moonshine , even as that frail image and that inconstant shade . i endeavoured to crush these fears and to fortify myself for the trial which in a few months i resolved to undergo and sometimes i allowed my thoughts , unchecked by reason , to ramble in the fields of paradise , and dared to fancy amiable and lovely creatures sympathising with my feelings and cheering my gloom their angelic countenances breathed smiles of consolation . but it was all a dream no eve soothed my sorrows nor shared my thoughts i was alone . i remembered adams supplication to his creator . but where was mine . he had abandoned me , and in the bitterness of my heart i cursed him . autumn passed thus . i saw , with surprise and grief , the leaves decay and fall , and nature again assume the barren and bleak appearance it had worn when i first beheld the woods and the lovely moon . yet i did not heed the bleakness of the weather i was better fitted by my conformation for the endurance of cold than heat . but my chief delights were the sight of the flowers , the birds , and all the gay apparel of summer when those deserted me , i turned with more attention towards the cottagers . their happiness was not decreased by the absence of summer . they loved and sympathised with one another and their joys , depending on each other , were not interrupted by the casualties that took place around them . the more i saw of them , the greater became my desire to claim their protection and kindness my heart yearned to be known and loved by these amiable creatures to see their sweet looks directed towards me with affection was the utmost limit of my ambition . i dared not think that they would turn them from me with disdain and horror . the poor that stopped at their door were never driven away . i asked , it is true , for greater treasures than a little food or rest i required kindness and sympathy but i did not believe myself utterly unworthy of it . the winter advanced , and an entire revolution of the seasons had taken place since i awoke into life . my attention at this time was solely directed towards my plan of introducing myself into the cottage of my protectors . i revolved many projects , but that on which i finally fixed was to enter the dwelling when the blind old man should be alone . i had sagacity enough to discover that the unnatural hideousness of my person was the chief object of horror with those who had formerly beheld me . my voice , although harsh , had nothing terrible in it i thought , therefore , that if in the absence of his children i could gain the good will and mediation of the old de lacey , i might by his means be tolerated by my younger protectors . one day , when the sun shone on the red leaves that strewed the ground and diffused cheerfulness , although it denied warmth , safie , agatha , and felix departed on a long country walk , and the old man , at his own desire , was left alone in the cottage . when his children had departed , he took up his guitar and played several mournful but sweet airs , more sweet and mournful than i had ever heard him play before . at first his countenance was illuminated with pleasure , but as he continued , thoughtfulness and sadness succeeded at length , laying aside the instrument , he sat absorbed in reflection . my heart beat quick this was the hour and moment of trial , which would decide my hopes or realise my fears . the servants were gone to a neighbouring fair . all was silent in and around the cottage it was an excellent opportunity yet , when i proceeded to execute my plan , my limbs failed me and i sank to the ground . again i rose , and exerting all the firmness of which i was master , removed the planks which i had placed before my hovel to conceal my retreat . the fresh air revived me , and with renewed determination i approached the door of their cottage . i knocked . who is there . said the old man . come in . i entered . pardon this intrusion , said i am a traveller in want of a little rest you would greatly oblige me if you would allow me to remain a few minutes before the fire . enter , said de lacey , and i will try in what manner i can to relieve your wants but , unfortunately , my children are from home , and as i am blind , i am afraid i shall find it difficult to procure food for you . do not trouble yourself , my kind host i have food it is warmth and rest only that i need . i sat down , and a silence ensued . i knew that every minute was precious to me , yet i remained irresolute in what manner to commence the interview , when the old man addressed me . by your language , stranger , i suppose you are my countryman are you french . no but i was educated by a french family and understand that language only . i am now going to claim the protection of some friends , whom i sincerely love , and of whose favour i have some hopes . are they germans . no , they are french . but let us change the subject . i am an unfortunate and deserted creature , i look around and i have no relation or friend upon earth . these amiable people to whom i go have never seen me and know little of me . i am full of fears , for if i fail there , i am an outcast in the world for ever . do not despair . to be friendless is indeed to be unfortunate , but the hearts of men , when unprejudiced by any obvious self interest, , are full of brotherly love and charity . rely , therefore , on your hopes and if these friends are good and amiable , do not despair . they are kindthey are the most excellent creatures in the world but , unfortunately , they are prejudiced against me . i have good dispositions my life has been hitherto harmless and in some degree beneficial but a fatal prejudice clouds their eyes , and where they ought to see a feeling and kind friend , they behold only a detestable monster . that is indeed unfortunate but if you are really blameless , cannot you undeceive them . i am about to undertake that task and it is on that account that i feel so many overwhelming terrors . i tenderly love these friends i have , unknown to them , been for many months in the habits of daily kindness towards them but they believe that i wish to injure them , and it is that prejudice which i wish to overcome . where do these friends reside . near this spot . the old man paused and then continued , if you will unreservedly confide to me the particulars of your tale , i perhaps may be of use in undeceiving them . i am blind and cannot judge of your countenance , but there is something in your words which persuades me that you are sincere . i am poor and an exile , but it will afford me true pleasure to be in any way serviceable to a human creature . excellent man . i thank you and accept your generous offer . you raise me from the dust by this kindness and i trust that , by your aid , i shall not be driven from the society and sympathy of your fellow creatures . heaven forbid . even if you were really criminal , for that can only drive you to desperation , and not instigate you to virtue . i also am unfortunate i and my family have been condemned , although innocent judge , therefore , if i do not feel for your misfortunes . how can i thank you , my best and only benefactor . from your lips first have i heard the voice of kindness directed towards me i shall be for ever grateful and your present humanity assures me of success with those friends whom i am on the point of meeting . may i know the names and residence of those friends . i paused . this , i thought , was the moment of decision , which was to rob me of or bestow happiness on me for ever . i struggled vainly for firmness sufficient to answer him , but the effort destroyed all my remaining strength i sank on the chair and sobbed aloud . at that moment i heard the steps of my younger protectors . i had not a moment to lose , but seizing the hand of the old man , i cried , now is the time . save and protect me . you and your family are the friends whom i seek . do not you desert me in the hour of trial . great god . exclaimed the old man . who are you . at that instant the cottage door was opened , and felix , safie , and agatha entered . who can describe their horror and consternation on beholding me . agatha fainted , and safie , unable to attend to her friend , rushed out of the cottage . felix darted forward , and with supernatural force tore me from his father , to whose knees i clung , in a transport of fury , he dashed me to the ground and struck me violently with a stick . i could have torn him limb from limb , as the lion rends the antelope . but my heart sank within me as with bitter sickness , and i refrained . i saw him on the point of repeating his blow , when , overcome by pain and anguish , i quitted the cottage , and in the general tumult escaped unperceived to my hovel . chapter cursed , creator . why did i live . why , in that instant , did i not extinguish the spark of existence which you had so wantonly bestowed . i know not despair had not yet taken possession of me my feelings were those of rage and revenge . i could with pleasure have destroyed the cottage and its inhabitants and have glutted myself with their shrieks and misery . when night came i quitted my retreat and wandered in the wood and now , no longer restrained by the fear of discovery , i gave vent to my anguish in fearful howlings . i was like a wild beast that had broken the toils , destroying the objects that obstructed me and ranging through the wood with a stag like swiftness . oh . what a miserable night i passed . the cold stars shone in mockery , and the bare trees waved their branches above me now and then the sweet voice of a bird burst forth amidst the universal stillness . all , save i , were at rest or in enjoyment i , like the arch fiend, , bore a hell within me , and finding myself unsympathised with , wished to tear up the trees , spread havoc and destruction around me , and then to have sat down and enjoyed the ruin . but this was a luxury of sensation that could not endure i became fatigued with excess of bodily exertion and sank on the damp grass in the sick impotence of despair . there was none among the myriads of men that existed who would pity or assist me and should i feel kindness towards my enemies . no from that moment i declared everlasting war against the species , and more than all , against him who had formed me and sent me forth to this insupportable misery . the sun rose i heard the voices of men and knew that it was impossible to return to my retreat during that day . accordingly i hid myself in some thick underwood , determining to devote the ensuing hours to reflection on my situation . the pleasant sunshine and the pure air of day restored me to some degree of tranquillity and when i considered what had passed at the cottage , i could not help believing that i had been too hasty in my conclusions . i had certainly acted imprudently . it was apparent that my conversation had interested the father in my behalf , and i was a fool in having exposed my person to the horror of his children . i ought to have familiarised the old de lacey to me , and by degrees to have discovered myself to the rest of his family , when they should have been prepared for my approach . but i did not believe my errors to be irretrievable , and after much consideration i resolved to return to the cottage , seek the old man , and by my representations win him to my party . these thoughts calmed me , and in the afternoon i sank into a profound sleep but the fever of my blood did not allow me to be visited by peaceful dreams . the horrible scene of the preceding day was for ever acting before my eyes the females were flying and the enraged felix tearing me from his fathers feet . i awoke exhausted , and finding that it was already night , i crept forth from my hiding place, , and went in search of food . when my hunger was appeased , i directed my steps towards the well known path that conducted to the cottage . all there was at peace . i crept into my hovel and remained in silent expectation of the accustomed hour when the family arose . that hour passed , the sun mounted high in the heavens , but the cottagers did not appear . i trembled violently , apprehending some dreadful misfortune . the inside of the cottage was dark , and i heard no motion i cannot describe the agony of this suspense . presently two countrymen passed by , but pausing near the cottage , they entered into conversation , using violent gesticulations but i did not understand what they said , as they spoke the language of the country , which differed from that of my protectors . soon after , however , felix approached with another man i was surprised , as i knew that he had not quitted the cottage that morning , and waited anxiously to discover from his discourse the meaning of these unusual appearances . do you consider , said his companion to him , that you will be obliged to pay three months rent and to lose the produce of your garden . i do not wish to take any unfair advantage , and i beg therefore that you will take some days to consider of your determination . it is utterly useless , replied felix we can never again inhabit your cottage . the life of my father is in the greatest danger , owing to the dreadful circumstance that i have related . my wife and my sister will never recover from their horror . i entreat you not to reason with me any more . take possession of your tenement and let me fly from this place . felix trembled violently as he said this . he and his companion entered the cottage , in which they remained for a few minutes , and then departed . i never saw any of the family of de lacey more . i continued for the remainder of the day in my hovel in a state of utter and stupid despair . my protectors had departed and had broken the only link that held me to the world . for the first time the feelings of revenge and hatred filled my bosom , and i did not strive to control them , but allowing myself to be borne away by the stream , i bent my mind towards injury and death . when i thought of my friends , of the mild voice of de lacey , the gentle eyes of agatha , and the exquisite beauty of the arabian , these thoughts vanished and a gush of tears somewhat soothed me . but again when i reflected that they had spurned and deserted me , anger returned , a rage of anger , and unable to injure anything human , i turned my fury towards inanimate objects . as night advanced , i placed a variety of combustibles around the cottage , and after having destroyed every vestige of cultivation in the garden , i waited with forced impatience until the moon had sunk to commence my operations . as the night advanced , a fierce wind arose from the woods and quickly dispersed the clouds that had loitered in the heavens the blast tore along like a mighty avalanche and produced a kind of insanity in my spirits that burst all bounds of reason and reflection . i lighted the dry branch of a tree and danced with fury around the devoted cottage , my eyes still fixed on the western horizon , the edge of which the moon nearly touched . a part of its orb was at length hid , and i waved my brand it sank , and with a loud scream i fired the straw , and heath , and bushes , which i had collected . the wind fanned the fire , and the cottage was quickly enveloped by the flames , which clung to it and licked it with their forked and destroying tongues . as soon as i was convinced that no assistance could save any part of the habitation , i quitted the scene and sought for refuge in the woods . and now , with the world before me , whither should i bend my steps . i resolved to fly far from the scene of my misfortunes but to me , hated and despised , every country must be equally horrible . at length the thought of you crossed my mind . i learned from your papers that you were my father , my creator and to whom could i apply with more fitness than to him who had given me life . among the lessons that felix had bestowed upon safie , geography had not been omitted i had learned from these the relative situations of the different countries of the earth . you had mentioned geneva as the name of your native town , and towards this place i resolved to proceed . but how was i to direct myself . i knew that i must travel in a southwesterly direction to reach my destination , but the sun was my only guide . i did not know the names of the towns that i was to pass through , nor could i ask information from a single human being but i did not despair . from you only could i hope for succour , although towards you i felt no sentiment but that of hatred . unfeeling , heartless creator . you had endowed me with perceptions and passions and then cast me abroad an object for the scorn and horror of mankind . but on you only had i any claim for pity and redress , and from you i determined to seek that justice which i vainly attempted to gain from any other being that wore the human form . my travels were long and the sufferings i endured intense . it was late in autumn when i quitted the district where i had so long resided . i travelled only at night , fearful of encountering the visage of a human being . nature decayed around me , and the sun became heatless rain and snow poured around me mighty rivers were frozen the surface of the earth was hard and chill , and bare , and i found no shelter . oh , earth . how often did i imprecate curses on the cause of my being . the mildness of my nature had fled , and all within me was turned to gall and bitterness . the nearer i approached to your habitation , the more deeply did i feel the spirit of revenge enkindled in my heart . snow fell , and the waters were hardened , but i rested not . a few incidents now and then directed me , and i possessed a map of the country but i often wandered wide from my path . the agony of my feelings allowed me no respite no incident occurred from which my rage and misery could not extract its food but a circumstance that happened when i arrived on the confines of switzerland , when the sun had recovered its warmth and the earth again began to look green , confirmed in an especial manner the bitterness and horror of my feelings . i generally rested during the day and travelled only when i was secured by night from the view of man . one morning , however , finding that my path lay through a deep wood , i ventured to continue my journey after the sun had risen the day , which was one of the first of spring , cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air . i felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure , that had long appeared dead , revive within me . half surprised by the novelty of these sensations , i allowed myself to be borne away by them , and forgetting my solitude and deformity , dared to be happy . soft tears again bedewed my cheeks , and i even raised my humid eyes with thankfulness towards the blessed sun , which bestowed such joy upon me . i continued to wind among the paths of the wood , until i came to its boundary , which was skirted by a deep and rapid river , into which many of the trees bent their branches , now budding with the fresh spring . here i paused , not exactly knowing what path to pursue , when i heard the sound of voices , that induced me to conceal myself under the shade of a cypress . i was scarcely hid when a young girl came running towards the spot where i was concealed , laughing , as if she ran from someone in sport . she continued her course along the precipitous sides of the river , when suddenly her foot slipped , and she fell into the rapid stream . i rushed from my hiding place and with extreme labour , from the force of the current , saved her and dragged her to shore . she was senseless , and i endeavoured by every means in my power to restore animation , when i was suddenly interrupted by the approach of a rustic , who was probably the person from whom she had playfully fled . on seeing me , he darted towards me , and tearing the girl from my arms , hastened towards the deeper parts of the wood . i followed speedily , i hardly knew why but when the man saw me draw near , he aimed a gun , which he carried , at my body and fired . i sank to the ground , and my injurer , with increased swiftness , escaped into the wood . this was then the reward of my benevolence . i had saved a human being from destruction , and as a recompense i now writhed under the miserable pain of a wound which shattered the flesh and bone . the feelings of kindness and gentleness which i had entertained but a few moments before gave place to hellish rage and gnashing of teeth . inflamed by pain , i vowed eternal hatred and vengeance to all mankind . but the agony of my wound overcame me my pulses paused , and i fainted . for some weeks i led a miserable life in the woods , endeavouring to cure the wound which i had received . the ball had entered my shoulder , and i knew not whether it had remained there or passed through at any rate i had no means of extracting it . my sufferings were augmented also by the oppressive sense of the injustice and ingratitude of their infliction . my daily vows rose for revengea deep and deadly revenge , such as would alone compensate for the outrages and anguish i had endured . after some weeks my wound healed , and i continued my journey . the labours i endured were no longer to be alleviated by the bright sun or gentle breezes of spring all joy was but a mockery which insulted my desolate state and made me feel more painfully that i was not made for the enjoyment of pleasure . but my toils now drew near a close , and in two months from this time i reached the environs of geneva . it was evening when i arrived , and i retired to a hiding place among the fields that surround it to meditate in what manner i should apply to you . i was oppressed by fatigue and hunger and far too unhappy to enjoy the gentle breezes of evening or the prospect of the sun setting behind the stupendous mountains of jura . at this time a slight sleep relieved me from the pain of reflection , which was disturbed by the approach of a beautiful child , who came running into the recess i had chosen , with all the sportiveness of infancy . suddenly , as i gazed on him , an idea seized me that this little creature was unprejudiced and had lived too short a time to have imbibed a horror of deformity . if , therefore , i could seize him and educate him as my companion and friend , i should not be so desolate in this peopled earth . urged by this impulse , i seized on the boy as he passed and drew him towards me . as soon as he beheld my form , he placed his hands before his eyes and uttered a shrill scream i drew his hand forcibly from his face and said , child , what is the meaning of this . i do not intend to hurt you listen to me . he struggled violently . let me go , he cried monster . ugly wretch . you wish to eat me and tear me to pieces . you are an ogre . let me go , or i will tell my papa . boy , you will never see your father again you must come with me . hideous monster . let me go . my papa is a syndiche is m . frankensteinhe will punish you . you dare not keep me . frankenstein . you belong then to my enemyto him towards whom i have sworn eternal revenge you shall be my first victim . the child still struggled and loaded me with epithets which carried despair to my heart i grasped his throat to silence him , and in a moment he lay dead at my feet . i gazed on my victim , and my heart swelled with exultation and hellish triumph clapping my hands , i exclaimed , i too can create desolation my enemy is not invulnerable this death will carry despair to him , and a thousand other miseries shall torment and destroy him . as i fixed my eyes on the child , i saw something glittering on his breast . i took it was a portrait of a most lovely woman . in spite of my malignity , it softened and attracted me . for a few moments i gazed with delight on her dark eyes , fringed by deep lashes , and her lovely lips but presently my rage returned i remembered that i was for ever deprived of the delights that such beautiful creatures could bestow and that she whose resemblance i contemplated would , in regarding me , have changed that air of divine benignity to one expressive of disgust and affright . can you wonder that such thoughts transported me with rage . i only wonder that at that moment , instead of venting my sensations in exclamations and agony , i did not rush among mankind and perish in the attempt to destroy them . while i was overcome by these feelings , i left the spot where i had committed the murder , and seeking a more secluded hiding place, , i entered a barn which had appeared to me to be empty . a woman was sleeping on some straw she was young , not indeed so beautiful as her whose portrait i held , but of an agreeable aspect and blooming in the loveliness of youth and health . here , i thought , is one of those whose joy imparting smiles are bestowed on all but me . and then i bent over her and whispered , awake , fairest , thy lover is nearhe who would give his life but to obtain one look of affection from thine eyes my beloved , awake . the sleeper stirred a thrill of terror ran through me . should she indeed awake , and see me , and curse me , and denounce the murderer . thus would she assuredly act if her darkened eyes opened and she beheld me . the thought was madness it stirred the fiend within menot i , but she , shall suffer the murder i have committed because i am for ever robbed of all that she could give me , she shall atone . the crime had its source in her be hers the punishment . thanks to the lessons of felix and the sanguinary laws of man , i had learned now to work mischief . i bent over her and placed the portrait securely in one of the folds of her dress . she moved again , and i fled . for some days i haunted the spot where these scenes had taken place , sometimes wishing to see you , sometimes resolved to quit the world and its miseries for ever . at length i wandered towards these mountains , and have ranged through their immense recesses , consumed by a burning passion which you alone can gratify . we may not part until you have promised to comply with my requisition . i am alone and miserable man will not associate with me but one as deformed and horrible as myself would not deny herself to me . my companion must be of the same species and have the same defects . this being you must create . chapter the being finished speaking and fixed his looks upon me in the expectation of a reply . but i was bewildered , perplexed , and unable to arrange my ideas sufficiently to understand the full extent of his proposition . he continued , you must create a female for me with whom i can live in the interchange of those sympathies necessary for my being . this you alone can do , and i demand it of you as a right which you must not refuse to concede . the latter part of his tale had kindled anew in me the anger that had died away while he narrated his peaceful life among the cottagers , and as he said this i could no longer suppress the rage that burned within me . i do refuse it , i replied and no torture shall ever extort a consent from me . you may render me the most miserable of men , but you shall never make me base in my own eyes . shall i create another like yourself , whose joint wickedness might desolate the world . begone . i have answered you may torture me , but i will never consent . you are in the wrong , replied the fiend and instead of threatening , i am content to reason with you . i am malicious because i am miserable . am i not shunned and hated by all mankind . you , my creator , would tear me to pieces and triumph remember that , and tell me why i should pity man more than he pities me . you would not call it murder if you could precipitate me into one of those ice rifts and destroy my frame , the work of your own hands . shall i respect man when he condemns me . let him live with me in the interchange of kindness , and instead of injury i would bestow every benefit upon him with tears of gratitude at his acceptance . but that cannot be the human senses are insurmountable barriers to our union . yet mine shall not be the submission of abject slavery . i will revenge my injuries if i cannot inspire love , i will cause fear , and chiefly towards you my arch enemy, , because my creator , do i swear inextinguishable hatred . have a care i will work at your destruction , nor finish until i desolate your heart , so that you shall curse the hour of your birth . a fiendish rage animated him as he said this his face was wrinkled into contortions too horrible for human eyes to behold but presently he calmed himself and proceeded i intended to reason . this passion is detrimental to me , for you do not reflect that you are the cause of its excess . if any being felt emotions of benevolence towards me , i should return them a hundred and a hundredfold for that one creatures sake i would make peace with the whole kind . but i now indulge in dreams of bliss that cannot be realised . what i ask of you is reasonable and moderate i demand a creature of another sex , but as hideous as myself the gratification is small , but it is all that i can receive , and it shall content me . it is true , we shall be monsters , cut off from all the world but on that account we shall be more attached to one another . our lives will not be happy , but they will be harmless and free from the misery i now feel . oh . my creator , make me happy let me feel gratitude towards you for one benefit . let me see that i excite the sympathy of some existing thing do not deny me my request . i was moved . i shuddered when i thought of the possible consequences of my consent , but i felt that there was some justice in his argument . his tale and the feelings he now expressed proved him to be a creature of fine sensations , and did i not as his maker owe him all the portion of happiness that it was in my power to bestow . he saw my change of feeling and continued , if you consent , neither you nor any other human being shall ever see us again i will go to the vast wilds of south america . my food is not that of man i do not destroy the lamb and the kid to glut my appetite acorns and berries afford me sufficient nourishment . my companion will be of the same nature as myself and will be content with the same fare . we shall make our bed of dried leaves the sun will shine on us as on man and will ripen our food . the picture i present to you is peaceful and human , and you must feel that you could deny it only in the wantonness of power and cruelty . pitiless as you have been towards me , i now see compassion in your eyes let me seize the favourable moment and persuade you to promise what i so ardently desire . you propose , replied i , to fly from the habitations of man , to dwell in those wilds where the beasts of the field will be your only companions . how can you , who long for the love and sympathy of man , persevere in this exile . you will return and again seek their kindness , and you will meet with their detestation your evil passions will be renewed , and you will then have a companion to aid you in the task of destruction . this may not be cease to argue the point , for i cannot consent . how inconstant are your feelings . but a moment ago you were moved by my representations , and why do you again harden yourself to my complaints . i swear to you , by the earth which i inhabit , and by you that made me , that with the companion you bestow , i will quit the neighbourhood of man and dwell , as it may chance , in the most savage of places . my evil passions will have fled , for i shall meet with sympathy . my life will flow quietly away , and in my dying moments i shall not curse my maker . his words had a strange effect upon me . i compassionated him and sometimes felt a wish to console him , but when i looked upon him , when i saw the filthy mass that moved and talked , my heart sickened and my feelings were altered to those of horror and hatred . i tried to stifle these sensations i thought that as i could not sympathise with him , i had no right to withhold from him the small portion of happiness which was yet in my power to bestow . you swear , i said , to be harmless but have you not already shown a degree of malice that should reasonably make me distrust you . may not even this be a feint that will increase your triumph by affording a wider scope for your revenge . how is this . i must not be trifled with , and i demand an answer . if i have no ties and no affections , hatred and vice must be my portion the love of another will destroy the cause of my crimes , and i shall become a thing of whose existence everyone will be ignorant . my vices are the children of a forced solitude that i abhor , and my virtues will necessarily arise when i live in communion with an equal . i shall feel the affections of a sensitive being and become linked to the chain of existence and events from which i am now excluded . i paused some time to reflect on all he had related and the various arguments which he had employed . i thought of the promise of virtues which he had displayed on the opening of his existence and the subsequent blight of all kindly feeling by the loathing and scorn which his protectors had manifested towards him . his power and threats were not omitted in my calculations a creature who could exist in the ice caves of the glaciers and hide himself from pursuit among the ridges of inaccessible precipices was a being possessing faculties it would be vain to cope with . after a long pause of reflection i concluded that the justice due both to him and my fellow creatures demanded of me that i should comply with his request . turning to him , therefore , i said , i consent to your demand , on your solemn oath to quit europe for ever , and every other place in the neighbourhood of man , as soon as i shall deliver into your hands a female who will accompany you in your exile . i swear , he cried , by the sun , and by the blue sky of heaven , and by the fire of love that burns my heart , that if you grant my prayer , while they exist you shall never behold me again . depart to your home and commence your labours i shall watch their progress with unutterable anxiety and fear not but that when you are ready i shall appear . saying this , he suddenly quitted me , fearful , perhaps , of any change in my sentiments . i saw him descend the mountain with greater speed than the flight of an eagle , and quickly lost among the undulations of the sea of ice . his tale had occupied the whole day , and the sun was upon the verge of the horizon when he departed . i knew that i ought to hasten my descent towards the valley , as i should soon be encompassed in darkness but my heart was heavy , and my steps slow . the labour of winding among the little paths of the mountain and fixing my feet firmly as i advanced perplexed me , occupied as i was by the emotions which the occurrences of the day had produced . night was far advanced when i came to the halfway resting place and seated myself beside the fountain . the stars shone at intervals as the clouds passed from over them the dark pines rose before me , and every here and there a broken tree lay on the ground it was a scene of wonderful solemnity and stirred strange thoughts within me . i wept bitterly , and clasping my hands in agony , i exclaimed , oh . stars and clouds and winds , ye are all about to mock me if ye really pity me , crush sensation and memory let me become as nought but if not , depart , and leave me in darkness . these were wild and miserable thoughts , but i cannot describe to you how the eternal twinkling of the stars weighed upon me and how i listened to every blast of wind as if it were a dull ugly siroc on its way to consume me . morning dawned before i arrived at the village of chamounix i took no rest , but returned immediately to geneva . even in my own heart i could give no expression to my sensationsthey weighed on me with a mountains weight and their excess destroyed my agony beneath them . thus i returned home , and entering the house , presented myself to the family . my haggard and wild appearance awoke intense alarm , but i answered no question , scarcely did i speak . i felt as if i were placed under a banas if i had no right to claim their sympathiesas if never more might i enjoy companionship with them . yet even thus i loved them to adoration and to save them , i resolved to dedicate myself to my most abhorred task . the prospect of such an occupation made every other circumstance of existence pass before me like a dream , and that thought only had to me the reality of life . chapter day after day , week after week , passed away on my return to geneva and i could not collect the courage to recommence my work . i feared the vengeance of the disappointed fiend , yet i was unable to overcome my repugnance to the task which was enjoined me . i found that i could not compose a female without again devoting several months to profound study and laborious disquisition . i had heard of some discoveries having been made by an english philosopher , the knowledge of which was material to my success , and i sometimes thought of obtaining my fathers consent to visit england for this purpose but i clung to every pretence of delay and shrank from taking the first step in an undertaking whose immediate necessity began to appear less absolute to me . a change indeed had taken place in me my health , which had hitherto declined , was now much restored and my spirits , when unchecked by the memory of my unhappy promise , rose proportionably . my father saw this change with pleasure , and he turned his thoughts towards the best method of eradicating the remains of my melancholy , which every now and then would return by fits , and with a devouring blackness overcast the approaching sunshine . at these moments i took refuge in the most perfect solitude . i passed whole days on the lake alone in a little boat , watching the clouds and listening to the rippling of the waves , silent and listless . but the fresh air and bright sun seldom failed to restore me to some degree of composure , and on my return i met the salutations of my friends with a readier smile and a more cheerful heart . it was after my return from one of these rambles that my father , calling me aside , thus addressed me , i am happy to remark , my dear son , that you have resumed your former pleasures and seem to be returning to yourself . and yet you are still unhappy and still avoid our society . for some time i was lost in conjecture as to the cause of this , but yesterday an idea struck me , and if it is well founded , i conjure you to avow it . reserve on such a point would be not only useless , but draw down treble misery on us all . i trembled violently at his exordium , and my father continued i confess , my son , that i have always looked forward to your marriage with our dear elizabeth as the tie of our domestic comfort and the stay of my declining years . you were attached to each other from your earliest infancy you studied together , and appeared , in dispositions and tastes , entirely suited to one another . but so blind is the experience of man that what i conceived to be the best assistants to my plan may have entirely destroyed it . you , perhaps , regard her as your sister , without any wish that she might become your wife . nay , you may have met with another whom you may love and considering yourself as bound in honour to elizabeth , this struggle may occasion the poignant misery which you appear to feel . my dear father , reassure yourself . i love my cousin tenderly and sincerely . i never saw any woman who excited , as elizabeth does , my warmest admiration and affection . my future hopes and prospects are entirely bound up in the expectation of our union . the expression of your sentiments of this subject , my dear victor , gives me more pleasure than i have for some time experienced . if you feel thus , we shall assuredly be happy , however present events may cast a gloom over us . but it is this gloom which appears to have taken so strong a hold of your mind that i wish to dissipate . tell me , therefore , whether you object to an immediate solemnisation of the marriage . we have been unfortunate , and recent events have drawn us from that everyday tranquillity befitting my years and infirmities . you are younger yet i do not suppose , possessed as you are of a competent fortune , that an early marriage would at all interfere with any future plans of honour and utility that you may have formed . do not suppose , however , that i wish to dictate happiness to you or that a delay on your part would cause me any serious uneasiness . interpret my words with candour and answer me , i conjure you , with confidence and sincerity . i listened to my father in silence and remained for some time incapable of offering any reply . i revolved rapidly in my mind a multitude of thoughts and endeavoured to arrive at some conclusion . alas . to me the idea of an immediate union with my elizabeth was one of horror and dismay . i was bound by a solemn promise which i had not yet fulfilled and dared not break , or if i did , what manifold miseries might not impend over me and my devoted family . could i enter into a festival with this deadly weight yet hanging round my neck and bowing me to the ground . i must perform my engagement and let the monster depart with his mate before i allowed myself to enjoy the delight of a union from which i expected peace . i remembered also the necessity imposed upon me of either journeying to england or entering into a long correspondence with those philosophers of that country whose knowledge and discoveries were of indispensable use to me in my present undertaking . the latter method of obtaining the desired intelligence was dilatory and unsatisfactory besides , i had an insurmountable aversion to the idea of engaging myself in my loathsome task in my fathers house while in habits of familiar intercourse with those i loved . i knew that a thousand fearful accidents might occur , the slightest of which would disclose a tale to thrill all connected with me with horror . i was aware also that i should often lose all self command, , all capacity of hiding the harrowing sensations that would possess me during the progress of my unearthly occupation . i must absent myself from all i loved while thus employed . once commenced , it would quickly be achieved , and i might be restored to my family in peace and happiness . my promise fulfilled , the monster would depart for ever . or some accident might meanwhile occur to destroy him and put an end to my slavery for ever . these feelings dictated my answer to my father . i expressed a wish to visit england , but concealing the true reasons of this request , i clothed my desires under a guise which excited no suspicion , while i urged my desire with an earnestness that easily induced my father to comply . after so long a period of an absorbing melancholy that resembled madness in its intensity and effects , he was glad to find that i was capable of taking pleasure in the idea of such a journey , and he hoped that change of scene and varied amusement would , before my return , have restored me entirely to myself . the duration of my absence was left to my own choice a few months , or at most a year , was the period contemplated . one paternal kind precaution he had taken to ensure my having a companion . without previously communicating with me , he had , in concert with elizabeth , arranged that clerval should join me at strasburgh . this interfered with the solitude i coveted for the prosecution of my task yet at the commencement of my journey the presence of my friend could in no way be an impediment , and truly i rejoiced that thus i should be saved many hours of lonely , maddening reflection . nay , henry might stand between me and the intrusion of my foe . if i were alone , would he not at times force his abhorred presence on me to remind me of my task or to contemplate its progress . to england , therefore , i was bound , and it was understood that my union with elizabeth should take place immediately on my return . my fathers age rendered him extremely averse to delay . for myself , there was one reward i promised myself from my detested toilsone consolation for my unparalleled sufferings it was the prospect of that day when , enfranchised from my miserable slavery , i might claim elizabeth and forget the past in my union with her . i now made arrangements for my journey , but one feeling haunted me which filled me with fear and agitation . during my absence i should leave my friends unconscious of the existence of their enemy and unprotected from his attacks , exasperated as he might be by my departure . but he had promised to follow me wherever i might go , and would he not accompany me to england . this imagination was dreadful in itself , but soothing inasmuch as it supposed the safety of my friends . i was agonised with the idea of the possibility that the reverse of this might happen . but through the whole period during which i was the slave of my creature i allowed myself to be governed by the impulses of the moment and my present sensations strongly intimated that the fiend would follow me and exempt my family from the danger of his machinations . it was in the latter end of september that i again quitted my native country . my journey had been my own suggestion , and elizabeth therefore acquiesced , but she was filled with disquiet at the idea of my suffering , away from her , the inroads of misery and grief . it had been her care which provided me a companion in clervaland yet a man is blind to a thousand minute circumstances which call forth a womans sedulous attention . she longed to bid me hasten my return a thousand conflicting emotions rendered her mute as she bade me a tearful , silent farewell . i threw myself into the carriage that was to convey me away , hardly knowing whither i was going , and careless of what was passing around . i remembered only , and it was with a bitter anguish that i reflected on it , to order that my chemical instruments should be packed to go with me . filled with dreary imaginations , i passed through many beautiful and majestic scenes , but my eyes were fixed and unobserving . i could only think of the bourne of my travels and the work which was to occupy me whilst they endured . after some days spent in listless indolence , during which i traversed many leagues , i arrived at strasburgh , where i waited two days for clerval . he came . alas , how great was the contrast between us . he was alive to every new scene , joyful when he saw the beauties of the setting sun , and more happy when he beheld it rise and recommence a new day . he pointed out to me the shifting colours of the landscape and the appearances of the sky . this is what it is to live , he cried now i enjoy existence . but you , my dear frankenstein , wherefore are you desponding and sorrowful . in truth , i was occupied by gloomy thoughts and neither saw the descent of the evening star nor the golden sunrise reflected in the rhine . and you , my friend , would be far more amused with the journal of clerval , who observed the scenery with an eye of feeling and delight , than in listening to my reflections . i , a miserable wretch , haunted by a curse that shut up every avenue to enjoyment . we had agreed to descend the rhine in a boat from strasburgh to rotterdam , whence we might take shipping for london . during this voyage we passed many willowy islands and saw several beautiful towns . we stayed a day at mannheim , and on the fifth from our departure from strasburgh , arrived at mainz . the course of the rhine below mainz becomes much more picturesque . the river descends rapidly and winds between hills , not high , but steep , and of beautiful forms . we saw many ruined castles standing on the edges of precipices , surrounded by black woods , high and inaccessible . this part of the rhine , indeed , presents a singularly variegated landscape . in one spot you view rugged hills , ruined castles overlooking tremendous precipices , with the dark rhine rushing beneath and on the sudden turn of a promontory , flourishing vineyards with green sloping banks and a meandering river and populous towns occupy the scene . we travelled at the time of the vintage and heard the song of the labourers as we glided down the stream . even i , depressed in mind , and my spirits continually agitated by gloomy feelings , even i was pleased . i lay at the bottom of the boat , and as i gazed on the cloudless blue sky , i seemed to drink in a tranquillity to which i had long been a stranger . and if these were my sensations , who can describe those of henry . he felt as if he had been transported to fairy land and enjoyed a happiness seldom tasted by man . i have seen , he said , the most beautiful scenes of my own country i have visited the lakes of lucerne and uri , where the snowy mountains descend almost perpendicularly to the water , casting black and impenetrable shades , which would cause a gloomy and mournful appearance were it not for the most verdant islands that relieve the eye by their gay appearance i have seen this lake agitated by a tempest , when the wind tore up whirlwinds of water and gave you an idea of what the water spout must be on the great ocean and the waves dash with fury the base of the mountain , where the priest and his mistress were overwhelmed by an avalanche and where their dying voices are still said to be heard amid the pauses of the nightly wind i have seen the mountains of la valais , and the pays de vaud but this country , victor , pleases me more than all those wonders . the mountains of switzerland are more majestic and strange , but there is a charm in the banks of this divine river that i never before saw equalled . look at that castle which overhangs yon precipice and that also on the island , almost concealed amongst the foliage of those lovely trees and now that group of labourers coming from among their vines and that village half hid in the recess of the mountain . oh , surely the spirit that inhabits and guards this place has a soul more in harmony with man than those who pile the glacier or retire to the inaccessible peaks of the mountains of our own country . clerval . beloved friend . even now it delights me to record your words and to dwell on the praise of which you are so eminently deserving . he was a being formed in the very poetry of nature . his wild and enthusiastic imagination was chastened by the sensibility of his heart . his soul overflowed with ardent affections , and his friendship was of that devoted and wondrous nature that the worldly minded teach us to look for only in the imagination . but even human sympathies were not sufficient to satisfy his eager mind . the scenery of external nature , which others regard only with admiration , he loved with ardour the sounding cataract haunted him like a passion the tall rock , the mountain , and the deep and gloomy wood , their colours and their forms , were then to him an appetite a feeling , and a love , that had no need of a remoter charm , by thought supplied , or any interest unborrowd from the eye . and where does he now exist . is this gentle and lovely being lost for ever . has this mind , so replete with ideas , imaginations fanciful and magnificent , which formed a world , whose existence depended on the life of its creatorhas this mind perished . does it now only exist in my memory . no , it is not thus your form so divinely wrought , and beaming with beauty , has decayed , but your spirit still visits and consoles your unhappy friend . pardon this gush of sorrow these ineffectual words are but a slight tribute to the unexampled worth of henry , but they soothe my heart , overflowing with the anguish which his remembrance creates . i will proceed with my tale . beyond cologne we descended to the plains of holland and we resolved to post the remainder of our way , for the wind was contrary and the stream of the river was too gentle to aid us . our journey here lost the interest arising from beautiful scenery , but we arrived in a few days at rotterdam , whence we proceeded by sea to england . it was on a clear morning , in the latter days of december , that i first saw the white cliffs of britain . the banks of the thames presented a new scene they were flat but fertile , and almost every town was marked by the remembrance of some story . we saw tilbury fort and remembered the spanish armada , gravesend , woolwich , and greenwichplaces which i had heard of even in my country . at length we saw the numerous steeples of london , st . pauls towering above all , and the tower famed in english history . chapter london was our present point of rest we determined to remain several months in this wonderful and celebrated city . clerval desired the intercourse of the men of genius and talent who flourished at this time , but this was with me a secondary object i was principally occupied with the means of obtaining the information necessary for the completion of my promise and quickly availed myself of the letters of introduction that i had brought with me , addressed to the most distinguished natural philosophers . if this journey had taken place during my days of study and happiness , it would have afforded me inexpressible pleasure . but a blight had come over my existence , and i only visited these people for the sake of the information they might give me on the subject in which my interest was so terribly profound . company was irksome to me when alone , i could fill my mind with the sights of heaven and earth the voice of henry soothed me , and i could thus cheat myself into a transitory peace . but busy , uninteresting , joyous faces brought back despair to my heart . i saw an insurmountable barrier placed between me and my fellow men this barrier was sealed with the blood of william and justine , and to reflect on the events connected with those names filled my soul with anguish . but in clerval i saw the image of my former self he was inquisitive and anxious to gain experience and instruction . the difference of manners which he observed was to him an inexhaustible source of instruction and amusement . he was also pursuing an object he had long had in view . his design was to visit india , in the belief that he had in his knowledge of its various languages , and in the views he had taken of its society , the means of materially assisting the progress of european colonization and trade . in britain only could he further the execution of his plan . he was for ever busy , and the only check to his enjoyments was my sorrowful and dejected mind . i tried to conceal this as much as possible , that i might not debar him from the pleasures natural to one who was entering on a new scene of life , undisturbed by any care or bitter recollection . i often refused to accompany him , alleging another engagement , that i might remain alone . i now also began to collect the materials necessary for my new creation , and this was to me like the torture of single drops of water continually falling on the head . every thought that was devoted to it was an extreme anguish , and every word that i spoke in allusion to it caused my lips to quiver , and my heart to palpitate . after passing some months in london , we received a letter from a person in scotland who had formerly been our visitor at geneva . he mentioned the beauties of his native country and asked us if those were not sufficient allurements to induce us to prolong our journey as far north as perth , where he resided . clerval eagerly desired to accept this invitation , and i , although i abhorred society , wished to view again mountains and streams and all the wondrous works with which nature adorns her chosen dwelling places . we had arrived in england at the beginning of october , and it was now february . we accordingly determined to commence our journey towards the north at the expiration of another month . in this expedition we did not intend to follow the great road to edinburgh , but to visit windsor , oxford , matlock , and the cumberland lakes , resolving to arrive at the completion of this tour about the end of july . i packed up my chemical instruments and the materials i had collected , resolving to finish my labours in some obscure nook in the northern highlands of scotland . we quitted london on the th of march and remained a few days at windsor , rambling in its beautiful forest . this was a new scene to us mountaineers the majestic oaks , the quantity of game , and the herds of stately deer were all novelties to us . from thence we proceeded to oxford . as we entered this city , our minds were filled with the remembrance of the events that had been transacted there more than a century and a half before . it was here that charles i . had collected his forces . this city had remained faithful to him , after the whole nation had forsaken his cause to join the standard of parliament and liberty . the memory of that unfortunate king and his companions , the amiable falkland , the insolent goring , his queen , and son , gave a peculiar interest to every part of the city which they might be supposed to have inhabited . the spirit of elder days found a dwelling here , and we delighted to trace its footsteps . if these feelings had not found an imaginary gratification , the appearance of the city had yet in itself sufficient beauty to obtain our admiration . the colleges are ancient and picturesque the streets are almost magnificent and the lovely isis , which flows beside it through meadows of exquisite verdure , is spread forth into a placid expanse of waters , which reflects its majestic assemblage of towers , and spires , and domes , embosomed among aged trees . i enjoyed this scene , and yet my enjoyment was embittered both by the memory of the past and the anticipation of the future . i was formed for peaceful happiness . during my youthful days discontent never visited my mind , and if i was ever overcome by ennui , the sight of what is beautiful in nature or the study of what is excellent and sublime in the productions of man could always interest my heart and communicate elasticity to my spirits . but i am a blasted tree the bolt has entered my soul and i felt then that i should survive to exhibit what i shall soon cease to bea miserable spectacle of wrecked humanity , pitiable to others and intolerable to myself . we passed a considerable period at oxford , rambling among its environs and endeavouring to identify every spot which might relate to the most animating epoch of english history . our little voyages of discovery were often prolonged by the successive objects that presented themselves . we visited the tomb of the illustrious hampden and the field on which that patriot fell . for a moment my soul was elevated from its debasing and miserable fears to contemplate the divine ideas of liberty and self sacrifice of which these sights were the monuments and the remembrancers . for an instant i dared to shake off my chains and look around me with a free and lofty spirit , but the iron had eaten into my flesh , and i sank again , trembling and hopeless , into my miserable self . we left oxford with regret and proceeded to matlock , which was our next place of rest . the country in the neighbourhood of this village resembled , to a greater degree , the scenery of switzerland but everything is on a lower scale , and the green hills want the crown of distant white alps which always attend on the piny mountains of my native country . we visited the wondrous cave and the little cabinets of natural history , where the curiosities are disposed in the same manner as in the collections at servox and chamounix . the latter name made me tremble when pronounced by henry , and i hastened to quit matlock , with which that terrible scene was thus associated . from derby , still journeying northwards , we passed two months in cumberland and westmorland . i could now almost fancy myself among the swiss mountains . the little patches of snow which yet lingered on the northern sides of the mountains , the lakes , and the dashing of the rocky streams were all familiar and dear sights to me . here also we made some acquaintances , who almost contrived to cheat me into happiness . the delight of clerval was proportionably greater than mine his mind expanded in the company of men of talent , and he found in his own nature greater capacities and resources than he could have imagined himself to have possessed while he associated with his inferiors . i could pass my life here , said he to me and among these mountains i should scarcely regret switzerland and the rhine . but he found that a travellers life is one that includes much pain amidst its enjoyments . his feelings are for ever on the stretch and when he begins to sink into repose , he finds himself obliged to quit that on which he rests in pleasure for something new , which again engages his attention , and which also he forsakes for other novelties . we had scarcely visited the various lakes of cumberland and westmorland and conceived an affection for some of the inhabitants when the period of our appointment with our scotch friend approached , and we left them to travel on . for my own part i was not sorry . i had now neglected my promise for some time , and i feared the effects of the dmons disappointment . he might remain in switzerland and wreak his vengeance on my relatives . this idea pursued me and tormented me at every moment from which i might otherwise have snatched repose and peace . i waited for my letters with feverish impatience if they were delayed i was miserable and overcome by a thousand fears and when they arrived and i saw the superscription of elizabeth or my father , i hardly dared to read and ascertain my fate . sometimes i thought that the fiend followed me and might expedite my remissness by murdering my companion . when these thoughts possessed me , i would not quit henry for a moment , but followed him as his shadow , to protect him from the fancied rage of his destroyer . i felt as if i had committed some great crime , the consciousness of which haunted me . i was guiltless , but i had indeed drawn down a horrible curse upon my head , as mortal as that of crime . i visited edinburgh with languid eyes and mind and yet that city might have interested the most unfortunate being . clerval did not like it so well as oxford , for the antiquity of the latter city was more pleasing to him . but the beauty and regularity of the new town of edinburgh , its romantic castle and its environs , the most delightful in the world , arthurs seat , st . bernards well , and the pentland hills , compensated him for the change and filled him with cheerfulness and admiration . but i was impatient to arrive at the termination of my journey . we left edinburgh in a week , passing through coupar , st . andrews , and along the banks of the tay , to perth , where our friend expected us . but i was in no mood to laugh and talk with strangers or enter into their feelings or plans with the good humour expected from a guest and accordingly i told clerval that i wished to make the tour of scotland alone . do you , said i , enjoy yourself , and let this be our rendezvous . i may be absent a month or two but do not interfere with my motions , i entreat you leave me to peace and solitude for a short time and when i return , i hope it will be with a lighter heart , more congenial to your own temper . henry wished to dissuade me , but seeing me bent on this plan , ceased to remonstrate . he entreated me to write often . i had rather be with you , he said , in your solitary rambles , than with these scotch people , whom i do not know hasten , then , my dear friend , to return , that i may again feel myself somewhat at home , which i cannot do in your absence . having parted from my friend , i determined to visit some remote spot of scotland and finish my work in solitude . i did not doubt but that the monster followed me and would discover himself to me when i should have finished , that he might receive his companion . with this resolution i traversed the northern highlands and fixed on one of the remotest of the orkneys as the scene of my labours . it was a place fitted for such a work , being hardly more than a rock whose high sides were continually beaten upon by the waves . the soil was barren , scarcely affording pasture for a few miserable cows , and oatmeal for its inhabitants , which consisted of five persons , whose gaunt and scraggy limbs gave tokens of their miserable fare . vegetables and bread , when they indulged in such luxuries , and even fresh water , was to be procured from the mainland , which was about five miles distant . on the whole island there were but three miserable huts , and one of these was vacant when i arrived . this i hired . it contained but two rooms , and these exhibited all the squalidness of the most miserable penury . the thatch had fallen in , the walls were unplastered , and the door was off its hinges . i ordered it to be repaired , bought some furniture , and took possession , an incident which would doubtless have occasioned some surprise had not all the senses of the cottagers been benumbed by want and squalid poverty . as it was , i lived ungazed at and unmolested , hardly thanked for the pittance of food and clothes which i gave , so much does suffering blunt even the coarsest sensations of men . in this retreat i devoted the morning to labour but in the evening , when the weather permitted , i walked on the stony beach of the sea to listen to the waves as they roared and dashed at my feet . it was a monotonous yet ever changing scene . i thought of switzerland it was far different from this desolate and appalling landscape . its hills are covered with vines , and its cottages are scattered thickly in the plains . its fair lakes reflect a blue and gentle sky , and when troubled by the winds , their tumult is but as the play of a lively infant when compared to the roarings of the giant ocean . in this manner i distributed my occupations when i first arrived , but as i proceeded in my labour , it became every day more horrible and irksome to me . sometimes i could not prevail on myself to enter my laboratory for several days , and at other times i toiled day and night in order to complete my work . it was , indeed , a filthy process in which i was engaged . during my first experiment , a kind of enthusiastic frenzy had blinded me to the horror of my employment my mind was intently fixed on the consummation of my labour , and my eyes were shut to the horror of my proceedings . but now i went to it in cold blood , and my heart often sickened at the work of my hands . thus situated , employed in the most detestable occupation , immersed in a solitude where nothing could for an instant call my attention from the actual scene in which i was engaged , my spirits became unequal i grew restless and nervous . every moment i feared to meet my persecutor . sometimes i sat with my eyes fixed on the ground , fearing to raise them lest they should encounter the object which i so much dreaded to behold . i feared to wander from the sight of my fellow creatures lest when alone he should come to claim his companion . in the mean time i worked on , and my labour was already considerably advanced . i looked towards its completion with a tremulous and eager hope , which i dared not trust myself to question but which was intermixed with obscure forebodings of evil that made my heart sicken in my bosom . chapter i sat one evening in my laboratory the sun had set , and the moon was just rising from the sea i had not sufficient light for my employment , and i remained idle , in a pause of consideration of whether i should leave my labour for the night or hasten its conclusion by an unremitting attention to it . as i sat , a train of reflection occurred to me which led me to consider the effects of what i was now doing . three years before , i was engaged in the same manner and had created a fiend whose unparalleled barbarity had desolated my heart and filled it for ever with the bitterest remorse . i was now about to form another being of whose dispositions i was alike ignorant she might become ten thousand times more malignant than her mate and delight , for its own sake , in murder and wretchedness . he had sworn to quit the neighbourhood of man and hide himself in deserts , but she had not and she , who in all probability was to become a thinking and reasoning animal , might refuse to comply with a compact made before her creation . they might even hate each other the creature who already lived loathed his own deformity , and might he not conceive a greater abhorrence for it when it came before his eyes in the female form . she also might turn with disgust from him to the superior beauty of man she might quit him , and he be again alone , exasperated by the fresh provocation of being deserted by one of his own species . even if they were to leave europe and inhabit the deserts of the new world , yet one of the first results of those sympathies for which the dmon thirsted would be children , and a race of devils would be propagated upon the earth who might make the very existence of the species of man a condition precarious and full of terror . had i right , for my own benefit , to inflict this curse upon everlasting generations . i had before been moved by the sophisms of the being i had created i had been struck senseless by his fiendish threats but now , for the first time , the wickedness of my promise burst upon me i shuddered to think that future ages might curse me as their pest , whose selfishness had not hesitated to buy its own peace at the price , perhaps , of the existence of the whole human race . i trembled and my heart failed within me , when , on looking up , i saw by the light of the moon the dmon at the casement . a ghastly grin wrinkled his lips as he gazed on me , where i sat fulfilling the task which he had allotted to me . yes , he had followed me in my travels he had loitered in forests , hid himself in caves , or taken refuge in wide and desert heaths and he now came to mark my progress and claim the fulfilment of my promise . as i looked on him , his countenance expressed the utmost extent of malice and treachery . i thought with a sensation of madness on my promise of creating another like to him , and trembling with passion , tore to pieces the thing on which i was engaged . the wretch saw me destroy the creature on whose future existence he depended for happiness , and with a howl of devilish despair and revenge , withdrew . i left the room , and locking the door , made a solemn vow in my own heart never to resume my labours and then , with trembling steps , i sought my own apartment . i was alone none were near me to dissipate the gloom and relieve me from the sickening oppression of the most terrible reveries . several hours passed , and i remained near my window gazing on the sea it was almost motionless , for the winds were hushed , and all nature reposed under the eye of the quiet moon . a few fishing vessels alone specked the water , and now and then the gentle breeze wafted the sound of voices as the fishermen called to one another . i felt the silence , although i was hardly conscious of its extreme profundity , until my ear was suddenly arrested by the paddling of oars near the shore , and a person landed close to my house . in a few minutes after , i heard the creaking of my door , as if some one endeavoured to open it softly . i trembled from head to foot i felt a presentiment of who it was and wished to rouse one of the peasants who dwelt in a cottage not far from mine but i was overcome by the sensation of helplessness , so often felt in frightful dreams , when you in vain endeavour to fly from an impending danger , and was rooted to the spot . presently i heard the sound of footsteps along the passage the door opened , and the wretch whom i dreaded appeared . shutting the door , he approached me and said in a smothered voice , you have destroyed the work which you began what is it that you intend . do you dare to break your promise . i have endured toil and misery i left switzerland with you i crept along the shores of the rhine , among its willow islands and over the summits of its hills . i have dwelt many months in the heaths of england and among the deserts of scotland . i have endured incalculable fatigue , and cold , and hunger do you dare destroy my hopes . begone . i do break my promise never will i create another like yourself , equal in deformity and wickedness . slave , i before reasoned with you , but you have proved yourself unworthy of my condescension . remember that i have power you believe yourself miserable , but i can make you so wretched that the light of day will be hateful to you . you are my creator , but i am your master obey . the hour of my irresolution is past , and the period of your power is arrived . your threats cannot move me to do an act of wickedness but they confirm me in a determination of not creating you a companion in vice . shall i , in cool blood , set loose upon the earth a dmon whose delight is in death and wretchedness . begone . i am firm , and your words will only exasperate my rage . the monster saw my determination in my face and gnashed his teeth in the impotence of anger . shall each man , cried he , find a wife for his bosom , and each beast have his mate , and i be alone . i had feelings of affection , and they were requited by detestation and scorn . man . you may hate , but beware . your hours will pass in dread and misery , and soon the bolt will fall which must ravish from you your happiness for ever . are you to be happy while i grovel in the intensity of my wretchedness . you can blast my other passions , but revenge remainsrevenge , henceforth dearer than light or food . i may die , but first you , my tyrant and tormentor , shall curse the sun that gazes on your misery . beware , for i am fearless and therefore powerful . i will watch with the wiliness of a snake , that i may sting with its venom . man , you shall repent of the injuries you inflict . devil , cease and do not poison the air with these sounds of malice . i have declared my resolution to you , and i am no coward to bend beneath words . leave me i am inexorable . it is well . i go but remember , i shall be with you on your wedding night . i started forward and exclaimed , villain . before you sign my death warrant, , be sure that you are yourself safe . i would have seized him , but he eluded me and quitted the house with precipitation . in a few moments i saw him in his boat , which shot across the waters with an arrowy swiftness and was soon lost amidst the waves . all was again silent , but his words rang in my ears . i burned with rage to pursue the murderer of my peace and precipitate him into the ocean . i walked up and down my room hastily and perturbed , while my imagination conjured up a thousand images to torment and sting me . why had i not followed him and closed with him in mortal strife . but i had suffered him to depart , and he had directed his course towards the mainland . i shuddered to think who might be the next victim sacrificed to his insatiate revenge . and then i thought again of his wordsi will be with you on your wedding night . that , then , was the period fixed for the fulfilment of my destiny . in that hour i should die and at once satisfy and extinguish his malice . the prospect did not move me to fear yet when i thought of my beloved elizabeth , of her tears and endless sorrow , when she should find her lover so barbarously snatched from her , tears , the first i had shed for many months , streamed from my eyes , and i resolved not to fall before my enemy without a bitter struggle . the night passed away , and the sun rose from the ocean my feelings became calmer , if it may be called calmness when the violence of rage sinks into the depths of despair . i left the house , the horrid scene of the last nights contention , and walked on the beach of the sea , which i almost regarded as an insuperable barrier between me and my fellow creatures nay , a wish that such should prove the fact stole across me . i desired that i might pass my life on that barren rock , wearily , it is true , but uninterrupted by any sudden shock of misery . if i returned , it was to be sacrificed or to see those whom i most loved die under the grasp of a dmon whom i had myself created . i walked about the isle like a restless spectre , separated from all it loved and miserable in the separation . when it became noon , and the sun rose higher , i lay down on the grass and was overpowered by a deep sleep . i had been awake the whole of the preceding night , my nerves were agitated , and my eyes inflamed by watching and misery . the sleep into which i now sank refreshed me and when i awoke , i again felt as if i belonged to a race of human beings like myself , and i began to reflect upon what had passed with greater composure yet still the words of the fiend rang in my ears like a death knell they appeared like a dream , yet distinct and oppressive as a reality . the sun had far descended , and i still sat on the shore , satisfying my appetite , which had become ravenous , with an oaten cake , when i saw a fishing boat land close to me , and one of the men brought me a packet it contained letters from geneva , and one from clerval entreating me to join him . he said that he was wearing away his time fruitlessly where he was , that letters from the friends he had formed in london desired his return to complete the negotiation they had entered into for his indian enterprise . he could not any longer delay his departure but as his journey to london might be followed , even sooner than he now conjectured , by his longer voyage , he entreated me to bestow as much of my society on him as i could spare . he besought me , therefore , to leave my solitary isle and to meet him at perth , that we might proceed southwards together . this letter in a degree recalled me to life , and i determined to quit my island at the expiration of two days . yet , before i departed , there was a task to perform , on which i shuddered to reflect i must pack up my chemical instruments , and for that purpose i must enter the room which had been the scene of my odious work , and i must handle those utensils the sight of which was sickening to me . the next morning , at daybreak , i summoned sufficient courage and unlocked the door of my laboratory . the remains of the half finished creature , whom i had destroyed , lay scattered on the floor , and i almost felt as if i had mangled the living flesh of a human being . i paused to collect myself and then entered the chamber . with trembling hand i conveyed the instruments out of the room , but i reflected that i ought not to leave the relics of my work to excite the horror and suspicion of the peasants and i accordingly put them into a basket , with a great quantity of stones , and laying them up , determined to throw them into the sea that very night and in the meantime i sat upon the beach , employed in cleaning and arranging my chemical apparatus . nothing could be more complete than the alteration that had taken place in my feelings since the night of the appearance of the dmon . i had before regarded my promise with a gloomy despair as a thing that , with whatever consequences , must be fulfilled but i now felt as if a film had been taken from before my eyes and that i for the first time saw clearly . the idea of renewing my labours did not for one instant occur to me the threat i had heard weighed on my thoughts , but i did not reflect that a voluntary act of mine could avert it . i had resolved in my own mind that to create another like the fiend i had first made would be an act of the basest and most atrocious selfishness , and i banished from my mind every thought that could lead to a different conclusion . between two and three in the morning the moon rose and i then , putting my basket aboard a little skiff , sailed out about four miles from the shore . the scene was perfectly solitary a few boats were returning towards land , but i sailed away from them . i felt as if i was about the commission of a dreadful crime and avoided with shuddering anxiety any encounter with my fellow creatures . at one time the moon , which had before been clear , was suddenly overspread by a thick cloud , and i took advantage of the moment of darkness and cast my basket into the sea i listened to the gurgling sound as it sank and then sailed away from the spot . the sky became clouded , but the air was pure , although chilled by the northeast breeze that was then rising . but it refreshed me and filled me with such agreeable sensations that i resolved to prolong my stay on the water , and fixing the rudder in a direct position , stretched myself at the bottom of the boat . clouds hid the moon , everything was obscure , and i heard only the sound of the boat as its keel cut through the waves the murmur lulled me , and in a short time i slept soundly . i do not know how long i remained in this situation , but when i awoke i found that the sun had already mounted considerably . the wind was high , and the waves continually threatened the safety of my little skiff . i found that the wind was northeast and must have driven me far from the coast from which i had embarked . i endeavoured to change my course but quickly found that if i again made the attempt the boat would be instantly filled with water . thus situated , my only resource was to drive before the wind . i confess that i felt a few sensations of terror . i had no compass with me and was so slenderly acquainted with the geography of this part of the world that the sun was of little benefit to me . i might be driven into the wide atlantic and feel all the tortures of starvation or be swallowed up in the immeasurable waters that roared and buffeted around me . i had already been out many hours and felt the torment of a burning thirst , a prelude to my other sufferings . i looked on the heavens , which were covered by clouds that flew before the wind , only to be replaced by others i looked upon the sea it was to be my grave . fiend , i exclaimed , your task is already fulfilled . i thought of elizabeth , of my father , and of clervalall left behind , on whom the monster might satisfy his sanguinary and merciless passions . this idea plunged me into a reverie so despairing and frightful that even now , when the scene is on the point of closing before me for ever , i shudder to reflect on it . some hours passed thus but by degrees , as the sun declined towards the horizon , the wind died away into a gentle breeze and the sea became free from breakers . but these gave place to a heavy swell i felt sick and hardly able to hold the rudder , when suddenly i saw a line of high land towards the south . almost spent , as i was , by fatigue and the dreadful suspense i endured for several hours , this sudden certainty of life rushed like a flood of warm joy to my heart , and tears gushed from my eyes . how mutable are our feelings , and how strange is that clinging love we have of life even in the excess of misery . i constructed another sail with a part of my dress and eagerly steered my course towards the land . it had a wild and rocky appearance , but as i approached nearer i easily perceived the traces of cultivation . i saw vessels near the shore and found myself suddenly transported back to the neighbourhood of civilised man . i carefully traced the windings of the land and hailed a steeple which i at length saw issuing from behind a small promontory . as i was in a state of extreme debility , i resolved to sail directly towards the town , as a place where i could most easily procure nourishment . fortunately i had money with me . as i turned the promontory i perceived a small neat town and a good harbour , which i entered , my heart bounding with joy at my unexpected escape . as i was occupied in fixing the boat and arranging the sails , several people crowded towards the spot . they seemed much surprised at my appearance , but instead of offering me any assistance , whispered together with gestures that at any other time might have produced in me a slight sensation of alarm . as it was , i merely remarked that they spoke english , and i therefore addressed them in that language . my good friends , said i , will you be so kind as to tell me the name of this town and inform me where i am . you will know that soon enough , replied a man with a hoarse voice . maybe you are come to a place that will not prove much to your taste , but you will not be consulted as to your quarters , i promise you . i was exceedingly surprised on receiving so rude an answer from a stranger , and i was also disconcerted on perceiving the frowning and angry countenances of his companions . why do you answer me so roughly . i replied . surely it is not the custom of englishmen to receive strangers so inhospitably . i do not know , said the man , what the custom of the english may be , but it is the custom of the irish to hate villains . while this strange dialogue continued , i perceived the crowd rapidly increase . their faces expressed a mixture of curiosity and anger , which annoyed and in some degree alarmed me . i inquired the way to the inn , but no one replied . i then moved forward , and a murmuring sound arose from the crowd as they followed and surrounded me , when an ill looking man approaching tapped me on the shoulder and said , come , sir , you must follow me to mr . kirwins to give an account of yourself . who is mr . kirwin . why am i to give an account of myself . is not this a free country . ay , sir , free enough for honest folks . mr . kirwin is a magistrate , and you are to give an account of the death of a gentleman who was found murdered here last night . this answer startled me , but i presently recovered myself . i was innocent that could easily be proved accordingly i followed my conductor in silence and was led to one of the best houses in the town . i was ready to sink from fatigue and hunger , but being surrounded by a crowd , i thought it politic to rouse all my strength , that no physical debility might be construed into apprehension or conscious guilt . little did i then expect the calamity that was in a few moments to overwhelm me and extinguish in horror and despair all fear of ignominy or death . i must pause here , for it requires all my fortitude to recall the memory of the frightful events which i am about to relate , in proper detail , to my recollection . chapter i was soon introduced into the presence of the magistrate , an old benevolent man with calm and mild manners . he looked upon me , however , with some degree of severity , and then , turning towards my conductors , he asked who appeared as witnesses on this occasion . about half a dozen men came forward and , one being selected by the magistrate , he deposed that he had been out fishing the night before with his son and brother in , daniel nugent , when , about ten oclock , they observed a strong northerly blast rising , and they accordingly put in for port . it was a very dark night , as the moon had not yet risen they did not land at the harbour , but , as they had been accustomed , at a creek about two miles below . he walked on first , carrying a part of the fishing tackle , and his companions followed him at some distance . as he was proceeding along the sands , he struck his foot against something and fell at his length on the ground . his companions came up to assist him , and by the light of their lantern they found that he had fallen on the body of a man , who was to all appearance dead . their first supposition was that it was the corpse of some person who had been drowned and was thrown on shore by the waves , but on examination they found that the clothes were not wet and even that the body was not then cold . they instantly carried it to the cottage of an old woman near the spot and endeavoured , but in vain , to restore it to life . it appeared to be a handsome young man , about five and twenty years of age . he had apparently been strangled , for there was no sign of any violence except the black mark of fingers on his neck . the first part of this deposition did not in the least interest me , but when the mark of the fingers was mentioned i remembered the murder of my brother and felt myself extremely agitated my limbs trembled , and a mist came over my eyes , which obliged me to lean on a chair for support . the magistrate observed me with a keen eye and of course drew an unfavourable augury from my manner . the son confirmed his fathers account , but when daniel nugent was called he swore positively that just before the fall of his companion , he saw a boat , with a single man in it , at a short distance from the shore and as far as he could judge by the light of a few stars , it was the same boat in which i had just landed . a woman deposed that she lived near the beach and was standing at the door of her cottage , waiting for the return of the fishermen , about an hour before she heard of the discovery of the body , when she saw a boat with only one man in it push off from that part of the shore where the corpse was afterwards found . another woman confirmed the account of the fishermen having brought the body into her house it was not cold . they put it into a bed and rubbed it , and daniel went to the town for an apothecary , but life was quite gone . several other men were examined concerning my landing , and they agreed that , with the strong north wind that had arisen during the night , it was very probable that i had beaten about for many hours and had been obliged to return nearly to the same spot from which i had departed . besides , they observed that it appeared that i had brought the body from another place , and it was likely that as i did not appear to know the shore , i might have put into the harbour ignorant of the distance of the town of from the place where i had deposited the corpse . mr . kirwin , on hearing this evidence , desired that i should be taken into the room where the body lay for interment , that it might be observed what effect the sight of it would produce upon me . this idea was probably suggested by the extreme agitation i had exhibited when the mode of the murder had been described . i was accordingly conducted , by the magistrate and several other persons , to the inn . i could not help being struck by the strange coincidences that had taken place during this eventful night but , knowing that i had been conversing with several persons in the island i had inhabited about the time that the body had been found , i was perfectly tranquil as to the consequences of the affair . i entered the room where the corpse lay and was led up to the coffin . how can i describe my sensations on beholding it . i feel yet parched with horror , nor can i reflect on that terrible moment without shuddering and agony . the examination , the presence of the magistrate and witnesses , passed like a dream from my memory when i saw the lifeless form of henry clerval stretched before me . i gasped for breath , and throwing myself on the body , i exclaimed , have my murderous machinations deprived you also , my dearest henry , of life . two i have already destroyed other victims await their destiny but you , clerval , my friend , my benefactor the human frame could no longer support the agonies that i endured , and i was carried out of the room in strong convulsions . a fever succeeded to this . i lay for two months on the point of death my ravings , as i afterwards heard , were frightful i called myself the murderer of william , of justine , and of clerval . sometimes i entreated my attendants to assist me in the destruction of the fiend by whom i was tormented and at others i felt the fingers of the monster already grasping my neck , and screamed aloud with agony and terror . fortunately , as i spoke my native language , mr . kirwin alone understood me but my gestures and bitter cries were sufficient to affright the other witnesses . why did i not die . more miserable than man ever was before , why did i not sink into forgetfulness and rest . death snatches away many blooming children , the only hopes of their doting parents how many brides and youthful lovers have been one day in the bloom of health and hope , and the next a prey for worms and the decay of the tomb . of what materials was i made that i could thus resist so many shocks , which , like the turning of the wheel , continually renewed the torture . but i was doomed to live and in two months found myself as awaking from a dream , in a prison , stretched on a wretched bed , surrounded by gaolers , turnkeys , bolts , and all the miserable apparatus of a dungeon . it was morning , i remember , when i thus awoke to understanding i had forgotten the particulars of what had happened and only felt as if some great misfortune had suddenly overwhelmed me but when i looked around and saw the barred windows and the squalidness of the room in which i was , all flashed across my memory and i groaned bitterly . this sound disturbed an old woman who was sleeping in a chair beside me . she was a hired nurse , the wife of one of the turnkeys , and her countenance expressed all those bad qualities which often characterise that class . the lines of her face were hard and rude , like that of persons accustomed to see without sympathising in sights of misery . her tone expressed her entire indifference she addressed me in english , and the voice struck me as one that i had heard during my sufferings . are you better now , sir . said she . i replied in the same language , with a feeble voice , i believe i am but if it be all true , if indeed i did not dream , i am sorry that i am still alive to feel this misery and horror . for that matter , replied the old woman , if you mean about the gentleman you murdered , i believe that it were better for you if you were dead , for i fancy it will go hard with you . however , thats none of my business i am sent to nurse you and get you well i do my duty with a safe conscience it were well if everybody did the same . i turned with loathing from the woman who could utter so unfeeling a speech to a person just saved , on the very edge of death but i felt languid and unable to reflect on all that had passed . the whole series of my life appeared to me as a dream i sometimes doubted if indeed it were all true , for it never presented itself to my mind with the force of reality . as the images that floated before me became more distinct , i grew feverish a darkness pressed around me no one was near me who soothed me with the gentle voice of love no dear hand supported me . the physician came and prescribed medicines , and the old woman prepared them for me but utter carelessness was visible in the first , and the expression of brutality was strongly marked in the visage of the second . who could be interested in the fate of a murderer but the hangman who would gain his fee . these were my first reflections , but i soon learned that mr . kirwin had shown me extreme kindness . he had caused the best room in the prison to be prepared for me and it was he who had provided a physician and a nurse . it is true , he seldom came to see me , for although he ardently desired to relieve the sufferings of every human creature , he did not wish to be present at the agonies and miserable ravings of a murderer . he came , therefore , sometimes to see that i was not neglected , but his visits were short and with long intervals . one day , while i was gradually recovering , i was seated in a chair , my eyes half open and my cheeks livid like those in death . i was overcome by gloom and misery and often reflected i had better seek death than desire to remain in a world which to me was replete with wretchedness . at one time i considered whether i should not declare myself guilty and suffer the penalty of the law , less innocent than poor justine had been . such were my thoughts when the door of my apartment was opened and mr . kirwin entered . his countenance expressed sympathy and compassion he drew a chair close to mine and addressed me in french , i fear that this place is very shocking to you can i do anything to make you more comfortable . i thank you , but all that you mention is nothing to me on the whole earth there is no comfort which i am capable of receiving . i know that the sympathy of a stranger can be but of little relief to one borne down as you are by so strange a misfortune . but you will , i hope , soon quit this melancholy abode , for doubtless evidence can easily be brought to free you from the criminal charge . that is my least concern i am , by a course of strange events , become the most miserable of mortals . persecuted and tortured as i am and have been , can death be any evil to me . nothing indeed could be more unfortunate and agonising than the strange chances that have lately occurred . you were thrown , by some surprising accident , on this shore , renowned for its hospitality , seized immediately , and charged with murder . the first sight that was presented to your eyes was the body of your friend , murdered in so unaccountable a manner and placed , as it were , by some fiend across your path . as mr . kirwin said this , notwithstanding the agitation i endured on this retrospect of my sufferings , i also felt considerable surprise at the knowledge he seemed to possess concerning me . i suppose some astonishment was exhibited in my countenance , for mr . kirwin hastened to say , immediately upon your being taken ill , all the papers that were on your person were brought me , and i examined them that i might discover some trace by which i could send to your relations an account of your misfortune and illness . i found several letters , and , among others , one which i discovered from its commencement to be from your father . i instantly wrote to geneva nearly two months have elapsed since the departure of my letter . but you are ill even now you tremble you are unfit for agitation of any kind . this suspense is a thousand times worse than the most horrible event tell me what new scene of death has been acted , and whose murder i am now to lament . your family is perfectly well , said mr . kirwin with gentleness and someone , a friend , is come to visit you . i know not by what chain of thought the idea presented itself , but it instantly darted into my mind that the murderer had come to mock at my misery and taunt me with the death of clerval , as a new incitement for me to comply with his hellish desires . i put my hand before my eyes , and cried out in agony , oh . take him away . i cannot see him for gods sake , do not let him enter . mr . kirwin regarded me with a troubled countenance . he could not help regarding my exclamation as a presumption of my guilt and said in rather a severe tone , i should have thought , young man , that the presence of your father would have been welcome instead of inspiring such violent repugnance . my father . cried i , while every feature and every muscle was relaxed from anguish to pleasure . is my father indeed come . how kind , how very kind . but where is he , why does he not hasten to me . my change of manner surprised and pleased the magistrate perhaps he thought that my former exclamation was a momentary return of delirium , and now he instantly resumed his former benevolence . he rose and quitted the room with my nurse , and in a moment my father entered it . nothing , at this moment , could have given me greater pleasure than the arrival of my father . i stretched out my hand to him and cried , are you then safeand elizabethand ernest . my father calmed me with assurances of their welfare and endeavoured , by dwelling on these subjects so interesting to my heart , to raise my desponding spirits but he soon felt that a prison cannot be the abode of cheerfulness . what a place is this that you inhabit , my son . said he , looking mournfully at the barred windows and wretched appearance of the room . you travelled to seek happiness , but a fatality seems to pursue you . and poor clerval the name of my unfortunate and murdered friend was an agitation too great to be endured in my weak state i shed tears . alas . yes , my father , replied i some destiny of the most horrible kind hangs over me , and i must live to fulfil it , or surely i should have died on the coffin of henry . we were not allowed to converse for any length of time , for the precarious state of my health rendered every precaution necessary that could ensure tranquillity . mr . kirwin came in and insisted that my strength should not be exhausted by too much exertion . but the appearance of my father was to me like that of my good angel , and i gradually recovered my health . as my sickness quitted me , i was absorbed by a gloomy and black melancholy that nothing could dissipate . the image of clerval was for ever before me , ghastly and murdered . more than once the agitation into which these reflections threw me made my friends dread a dangerous relapse . alas . why did they preserve so miserable and detested a life . it was surely that i might fulfil my destiny , which is now drawing to a close . soon , oh , very soon , will death extinguish these throbbings and relieve me from the mighty weight of anguish that bears me to the dust and , in executing the award of justice , i shall also sink to rest . then the appearance of death was distant , although the wish was ever present to my thoughts and i often sat for hours motionless and speechless , wishing for some mighty revolution that might bury me and my destroyer in its ruins . the season of the assizes approached . i had already been three months in prison , and although i was still weak and in continual danger of a relapse , i was obliged to travel nearly a hundred miles to the country town where the court was held . mr . kirwin charged himself with every care of collecting witnesses and arranging my defence . i was spared the disgrace of appearing publicly as a criminal , as the case was not brought before the court that decides on life and death . the grand jury rejected the bill , on its being proved that i was on the orkney islands at the hour the body of my friend was found and a fortnight after my removal i was liberated from prison . my father was enraptured on finding me freed from the vexations of a criminal charge , that i was again allowed to breathe the fresh atmosphere and permitted to return to my native country . i did not participate in these feelings , for to me the walls of a dungeon or a palace were alike hateful . the cup of life was poisoned for ever , and although the sun shone upon me , as upon the happy and gay of heart , i saw around me nothing but a dense and frightful darkness , penetrated by no light but the glimmer of two eyes that glared upon me . sometimes they were the expressive eyes of henry , languishing in death , the dark orbs nearly covered by the lids and the long black lashes that fringed them sometimes it was the watery , clouded eyes of the monster , as i first saw them in my chamber at ingolstadt . my father tried to awaken in me the feelings of affection . he talked of geneva , which i should soon visit , of elizabeth and ernest but these words only drew deep groans from me . sometimes , indeed , i felt a wish for happiness and thought with melancholy delight of my beloved cousin or longed , with a devouring maladie du pays , to see once more the blue lake and rapid rhone , that had been so dear to me in early childhood but my general state of feeling was a torpor in which a prison was as welcome a residence as the divinest scene in nature and these fits were seldom interrupted but by paroxysms of anguish and despair . at these moments i often endeavoured to put an end to the existence i loathed , and it required unceasing attendance and vigilance to restrain me from committing some dreadful act of violence . yet one duty remained to me , the recollection of which finally triumphed over my selfish despair . it was necessary that i should return without delay to geneva , there to watch over the lives of those i so fondly loved and to lie in wait for the murderer , that if any chance led me to the place of his concealment , or if he dared again to blast me by his presence , i might , with unfailing aim , put an end to the existence of the monstrous image which i had endued with the mockery of a soul still more monstrous . my father still desired to delay our departure , fearful that i could not sustain the fatigues of a journey , for i was a shattered wreckthe shadow of a human being . my strength was gone . i was a mere skeleton , and fever night and day preyed upon my wasted frame . still , as i urged our leaving ireland with such inquietude and impatience , my father thought it best to yield . we took our passage on board a vessel bound for havre de and sailed with a fair wind from the irish shores . it was midnight . i lay on the deck looking at the stars and listening to the dashing of the waves . i hailed the darkness that shut ireland from my sight , and my pulse beat with a feverish joy when i reflected that i should soon see geneva . the past appeared to me in the light of a frightful dream yet the vessel in which i was , the wind that blew me from the detested shore of ireland , and the sea which surrounded me , told me too forcibly that i was deceived by no vision and that clerval , my friend and dearest companion , had fallen a victim to me and the monster of my creation . i repassed , in my memory , my whole life my quiet happiness while residing with my family in geneva , the death of my mother , and my departure for ingolstadt . i remembered , shuddering , the mad enthusiasm that hurried me on to the creation of my hideous enemy , and i called to mind the night in which he first lived . i was unable to pursue the train of thought a thousand feelings pressed upon me , and i wept bitterly . ever since my recovery from the fever , i had been in the custom of taking every night a small quantity of laudanum , for it was by means of this drug only that i was enabled to gain the rest necessary for the preservation of life . oppressed by the recollection of my various misfortunes , i now swallowed double my usual quantity and soon slept profoundly . but sleep did not afford me respite from thought and misery my dreams presented a thousand objects that scared me . towards morning i was possessed by a kind of nightmare i felt the fiends grasp in my neck and could not free myself from it groans and cries rang in my ears . my father , who was watching over me , perceiving my restlessness , awoke me the dashing waves were around , the cloudy sky above , the fiend was not here a sense of security , a feeling that a truce was established between the present hour and the irresistible , disastrous future imparted to me a kind of calm forgetfulness , of which the human mind is by its structure peculiarly susceptible . chapter the voyage came to an end . we landed , and proceeded to paris . i soon found that i had overtaxed my strength and that i must repose before i could continue my journey . my fathers care and attentions were indefatigable , but he did not know the origin of my sufferings and sought erroneous methods to remedy the incurable ill . he wished me to seek amusement in society . i abhorred the face of man . oh , not abhorred . they were my brethren , my fellow beings , and i felt attracted even to the most repulsive among them , as to creatures of an angelic nature and celestial mechanism . but i felt that i had no right to share their intercourse . i had unchained an enemy among them whose joy it was to shed their blood and to revel in their groans . how they would , each and all , abhor me and hunt me from the world , did they know my unhallowed acts and the crimes which had their source in me . my father yielded at length to my desire to avoid society and strove by various arguments to banish my despair . sometimes he thought that i felt deeply the degradation of being obliged to answer a charge of murder , and he endeavoured to prove to me the futility of pride . alas . my father , said i , how little do you know me . human beings , their feelings and passions , would indeed be degraded if such a wretch as i felt pride . justine , poor unhappy justine , was as innocent as i , and she suffered the same charge she died for it and i am the cause of thisi murdered her . william , justine , and henrythey all died by my hands . my father had often , during my imprisonment , heard me make the same assertion when i thus accused myself , he sometimes seemed to desire an explanation , and at others he appeared to consider it as the offspring of delirium , and that , during my illness , some idea of this kind had presented itself to my imagination , the remembrance of which i preserved in my convalescence . i avoided explanation and maintained a continual silence concerning the wretch i had created . i had a persuasion that i should be supposed mad , and this in itself would for ever have chained my tongue . but , besides , i could not bring myself to disclose a secret which would fill my hearer with consternation and make fear and unnatural horror the inmates of his breast . i checked , therefore , my impatient thirst for sympathy and was silent when i would have given the world to have confided the fatal secret . yet , still , words like those i have recorded would burst uncontrollably from me . i could offer no explanation of them , but their truth in part relieved the burden of my mysterious woe . upon this occasion my father said , with an expression of unbounded wonder , my dearest victor , what infatuation is this . my dear son , i entreat you never to make such an assertion again . i am not mad , i cried energetically the sun and the heavens , who have viewed my operations , can bear witness of my truth . i am the assassin of those most innocent victims they died by my machinations . a thousand times would i have shed my own blood , drop by drop , to have saved their lives but i could not , my father , indeed i could not sacrifice the whole human race . the conclusion of this speech convinced my father that my ideas were deranged , and he instantly changed the subject of our conversation and endeavoured to alter the course of my thoughts . he wished as much as possible to obliterate the memory of the scenes that had taken place in ireland and never alluded to them or suffered me to speak of my misfortunes . as time passed away i became more calm misery had her dwelling in my heart , but i no longer talked in the same incoherent manner of my own crimes sufficient for me was the consciousness of them . by the utmost self violence i curbed the imperious voice of wretchedness , which sometimes desired to declare itself to the whole world , and my manners were calmer and more composed than they had ever been since my journey to the sea of ice . a few days before we left paris on our way to switzerland , i received the following letter from elizabeth my dear friend , it gave me the greatest pleasure to receive a letter from my uncle dated at paris you are no longer at a formidable distance , and i may hope to see you in less than a fortnight . my poor cousin , how much you must have suffered . i expect to see you looking even more ill than when you quitted geneva . this winter has been passed most miserably , tortured as i have been by anxious suspense yet i hope to see peace in your countenance and to find that your heart is not totally void of comfort and tranquillity . yet i fear that the same feelings now exist that made you so miserable a year ago , even perhaps augmented by time . i would not disturb you at this period , when so many misfortunes weigh upon you , but a conversation that i had with my uncle previous to his departure renders some explanation necessary before we meet . explanation . you may possibly say , what can elizabeth have to explain . if you really say this , my questions are answered and all my doubts satisfied . but you are distant from me , and it is possible that you may dread and yet be pleased with this explanation and in a probability of this being the case , i dare not any longer postpone writing what , during your absence , i have often wished to express to you but have never had the courage to begin . you well know , victor , that our union had been the favourite plan of your parents ever since our infancy . we were told this when young , and taught to look forward to it as an event that would certainly take place . we were affectionate playfellows during childhood , and , i believe , dear and valued friends to one another as we grew older . but as brother and sister often entertain a lively affection towards each other without desiring a more intimate union , may not such also be our case . tell me , dearest victor . answer me , i conjure you by our mutual happiness , with simple truthdo you not love another . you have travelled you have spent several years of your life at ingolstadt and i confess to you , my friend , that when i saw you last autumn so unhappy , flying to solitude from the society of every creature , i could not help supposing that you might regret our connection and believe yourself bound in honour to fulfil the wishes of your parents , although they opposed themselves to your inclinations . but this is false reasoning . i confess to you , my friend , that i love you and that in my airy dreams of futurity you have been my constant friend and companion . but it is your happiness i desire as well as my own when i declare to you that our marriage would render me eternally miserable unless it were the dictate of your own free choice . even now i weep to think that , borne down as you are by the cruellest misfortunes , you may stifle , by the word honour , all hope of that love and happiness which would alone restore you to yourself . i , who have so disinterested an affection for you , may increase your miseries tenfold by being an obstacle to your wishes . ah . victor , be assured that your cousin and playmate has too sincere a love for you not to be made miserable by this supposition . be happy , my friend and if you obey me in this one request , remain satisfied that nothing on earth will have the power to interrupt my tranquillity . do not let this letter disturb you do not answer tomorrow , or the next day , or even until you come , if it will give you pain . my uncle will send me news of your health , and if i see but one smile on your lips when we meet , occasioned by this or any other exertion of mine , i shall need no other happiness . elizabeth lavenza . geneva , may th , this letter revived in my memory what i had before forgotten , the threat of the fiendi will be with you on your wedding night . such was my sentence , and on that night would the dmon employ every art to destroy me and tear me from the glimpse of happiness which promised partly to console my sufferings . on that night he had determined to consummate his crimes by my death . well , be it so a deadly struggle would then assuredly take place , in which if he were victorious i should be at peace and his power over me be at an end . if he were vanquished , i should be a free man . alas . what freedom . such as the peasant enjoys when his family have been massacred before his eyes , his cottage burnt , his lands laid waste , and he is turned adrift , homeless , penniless , and alone , but free . such would be my liberty except that in my elizabeth i possessed a treasure , alas , balanced by those horrors of remorse and guilt which would pursue me until death . sweet and beloved elizabeth . i read and reread her letter , and some softened feelings stole into my heart and dared to whisper paradisiacal dreams of love and joy but the apple was already eaten , and the angels arm bared to drive me from all hope . yet i would die to make her happy . if the monster executed his threat , death was inevitable yet , again , i considered whether my marriage would hasten my fate . my destruction might indeed arrive a few months sooner , but if my torturer should suspect that i postponed it , influenced by his menaces , he would surely find other and perhaps more dreadful means of revenge . he had vowed to be with me on my wedding night, , yet he did not consider that threat as binding him to peace in the meantime , for as if to show me that he was not yet satiated with blood , he had murdered clerval immediately after the enunciation of his threats . i resolved , therefore , that if my immediate union with my cousin would conduce either to hers or my fathers happiness , my adversarys designs against my life should not retard it a single hour . in this state of mind i wrote to elizabeth . my letter was calm and affectionate . i fear , my beloved girl , i said , little happiness remains for us on earth yet all that i may one day enjoy is centred in you . chase away your idle fears to you alone do i consecrate my life and my endeavours for contentment . i have one secret , elizabeth , a dreadful one when revealed to you , it will chill your frame with horror , and then , far from being surprised at my misery , you will only wonder that i survive what i have endured . i will confide this tale of misery and terror to you the day after our marriage shall take place , for , my sweet cousin , there must be perfect confidence between us . but until then , i conjure you , do not mention or allude to it . this i most earnestly entreat , and i know you will comply . in about a week after the arrival of elizabeths letter we returned to geneva . the sweet girl welcomed me with warm affection , yet tears were in her eyes as she beheld my emaciated frame and feverish cheeks . i saw a change in her also . she was thinner and had lost much of that heavenly vivacity that had before charmed me but her gentleness and soft looks of compassion made her a more fit companion for one blasted and miserable as i was . the tranquillity which i now enjoyed did not endure . memory brought madness with it , and when i thought of what had passed , a real insanity possessed me sometimes i was furious and burnt with rage , sometimes low and despondent . i neither spoke nor looked at anyone , but sat motionless , bewildered by the multitude of miseries that overcame me . elizabeth alone had the power to draw me from these fits her gentle voice would soothe me when transported by passion and inspire me with human feelings when sunk in torpor . she wept with me and for me . when reason returned , she would remonstrate and endeavour to inspire me with resignation . ah . it is well for the unfortunate to be resigned , but for the guilty there is no peace . the agonies of remorse poison the luxury there is otherwise sometimes found in indulging the excess of grief . soon after my arrival my father spoke of my immediate marriage with elizabeth . i remained silent . have you , then , some other attachment . none on earth . i love elizabeth and look forward to our union with delight . let the day therefore be fixed and on it i will consecrate myself , in life or death , to the happiness of my cousin . my dear victor , do not speak thus . heavy misfortunes have befallen us , but let us only cling closer to what remains and transfer our love for those whom we have lost to those who yet live . our circle will be small but bound close by the ties of affection and mutual misfortune . and when time shall have softened your despair , new and dear objects of care will be born to replace those of whom we have been so cruelly deprived . such were the lessons of my father . but to me the remembrance of the threat returned nor can you wonder that , omnipotent as the fiend had yet been in his deeds of blood , i should almost regard him as invincible , and that when he had pronounced the words i shall be with you on your wedding night, , i should regard the threatened fate as unavoidable . but death was no evil to me if the loss of elizabeth were balanced with it , and i therefore , with a contented and even cheerful countenance , agreed with my father that if my cousin would consent , the ceremony should take place in ten days , and thus put , as i imagined , the seal to my fate . great god . if for one instant i had thought what might be the hellish intention of my fiendish adversary , i would rather have banished myself for ever from my native country and wandered a friendless outcast over the earth than have consented to this miserable marriage . but , as if possessed of magic powers , the monster had blinded me to his real intentions and when i thought that i had prepared only my own death , i hastened that of a far dearer victim . as the period fixed for our marriage drew nearer , whether from cowardice or a prophetic feeling , i felt my heart sink within me . but i concealed my feelings by an appearance of hilarity that brought smiles and joy to the countenance of my father , but hardly deceived the ever watchful and nicer eye of elizabeth . she looked forward to our union with placid contentment , not unmingled with a little fear , which past misfortunes had impressed , that what now appeared certain and tangible happiness might soon dissipate into an airy dream and leave no trace but deep and everlasting regret . preparations were made for the event , congratulatory visits were received , and all wore a smiling appearance . i shut up , as well as i could , in my own heart the anxiety that preyed there and entered with seeming earnestness into the plans of my father , although they might only serve as the decorations of my tragedy . through my fathers exertions a part of the inheritance of elizabeth had been restored to her by the austrian government . a small possession on the shores of como belonged to her . it was agreed that , immediately after our union , we should proceed to villa lavenza and spend our first days of happiness beside the beautiful lake near which it stood . in the meantime i took every precaution to defend my person in case the fiend should openly attack me . i carried pistols and a dagger constantly about me and was ever on the watch to prevent artifice , and by these means gained a greater degree of tranquillity . indeed , as the period approached , the threat appeared more as a delusion , not to be regarded as worthy to disturb my peace , while the happiness i hoped for in my marriage wore a greater appearance of certainty as the day fixed for its solemnisation drew nearer and i heard it continually spoken of as an occurrence which no accident could possibly prevent . elizabeth seemed happy my tranquil demeanour contributed greatly to calm her mind . but on the day that was to fulfil my wishes and my destiny , she was melancholy , and a presentiment of evil pervaded her and perhaps also she thought of the dreadful secret which i had promised to reveal to her on the following day . my father was in the meantime overjoyed , and , in the bustle of preparation , only recognised in the melancholy of his niece the diffidence of a bride . after the ceremony was performed a large party assembled at my fathers , but it was agreed that elizabeth and i should commence our journey by water , sleeping that night at evian and continuing our voyage on the following day . the day was fair , the wind favourable all smiled on our nuptial embarkation . those were the last moments of my life during which i enjoyed the feeling of happiness . we passed rapidly along the sun was hot , but we were sheltered from its rays by a kind of canopy while we enjoyed the beauty of the scene , sometimes on one side of the lake , where we saw mont salve , the pleasant banks of montalgre , and at a distance , surmounting all , the beautiful mont blanc , and the assemblage of snowy mountains that in vain endeavour to emulate her sometimes coasting the opposite banks , we saw the mighty jura opposing its dark side to the ambition that would quit its native country , and an almost insurmountable barrier to the invader who should wish to enslave it . i took the hand of elizabeth . you are sorrowful , my love . ah . if you knew what i have suffered and what i may yet endure , you would endeavour to let me taste the quiet and freedom from despair that this one day at least permits me to enjoy . be happy , my dear victor , replied elizabeth there is , i hope , nothing to distress you and be assured that if a lively joy is not painted in my face , my heart is contented . something whispers to me not to depend too much on the prospect that is opened before us , but i will not listen to such a sinister voice . observe how fast we move along and how the clouds , which sometimes obscure and sometimes rise above the dome of mont blanc , render this scene of beauty still more interesting . look also at the innumerable fish that are swimming in the clear waters , where we can distinguish every pebble that lies at the bottom . what a divine day . how happy and serene all nature appears . thus elizabeth endeavoured to divert her thoughts and mine from all reflection upon melancholy subjects . but her temper was fluctuating joy for a few instants shone in her eyes , but it continually gave place to distraction and reverie . the sun sank lower in the heavens we passed the river drance and observed its path through the chasms of the higher and the glens of the lower hills . the alps here come closer to the lake , and we approached the amphitheatre of mountains which forms its eastern boundary . the spire of evian shone under the woods that surrounded it and the range of mountain above mountain by which it was overhung . the wind , which had hitherto carried us along with amazing rapidity , sank at sunset to a light breeze the soft air just ruffled the water and caused a pleasant motion among the trees as we approached the shore , from which it wafted the most delightful scent of flowers and hay . the sun sank beneath the horizon as we landed , and as i touched the shore i felt those cares and fears revive which soon were to clasp me and cling to me for ever . chapter it was eight oclock when we landed we walked for a short time on the shore , enjoying the transitory light , and then retired to the inn and contemplated the lovely scene of waters , woods , and mountains , obscured in darkness , yet still displaying their black outlines . the wind , which had fallen in the south , now rose with great violence in the west . the moon had reached her summit in the heavens and was beginning to descend the clouds swept across it swifter than the flight of the vulture and dimmed her rays , while the lake reflected the scene of the busy heavens , rendered still busier by the restless waves that were beginning to rise . suddenly a heavy storm of rain descended . i had been calm during the day , but so soon as night obscured the shapes of objects , a thousand fears arose in my mind . i was anxious and watchful , while my right hand grasped a pistol which was hidden in my bosom every sound terrified me , but i resolved that i would sell my life dearly and not shrink from the conflict until my own life or that of my adversary was extinguished . elizabeth observed my agitation for some time in timid and fearful silence , but there was something in my glance which communicated terror to her , and trembling , she asked , what is it that agitates you , my dear victor . what is it you fear . oh . peace , my love , replied i this night , and all will be safe but this night is dreadful , very dreadful . i passed an hour in this state of mind , when suddenly i reflected how fearful the combat which i momentarily expected would be to my wife , and i earnestly entreated her to retire , resolving not to join her until i had obtained some knowledge as to the situation of my enemy . she left me , and i continued some time walking up and down the passages of the house and inspecting every corner that might afford a retreat to my adversary . but i discovered no trace of him and was beginning to conjecture that some fortunate chance had intervened to prevent the execution of his menaces when suddenly i heard a shrill and dreadful scream . it came from the room into which elizabeth had retired . as i heard it , the whole truth rushed into my mind , my arms dropped , the motion of every muscle and fibre was suspended i could feel the blood trickling in my veins and tingling in the extremities of my limbs . this state lasted but for an instant the scream was repeated , and i rushed into the room . great god . why did i not then expire . why am i here to relate the destruction of the best hope and the purest creature on earth . she was there , lifeless and inanimate , thrown across the bed , her head hanging down and her pale and distorted features half covered by her hair . everywhere i turn i see the same figureher bloodless arms and relaxed form flung by the murderer on its bridal bier . could i behold this and live . alas . life is obstinate and clings closest where it is most hated . for a moment only did i lose recollection i fell senseless on the ground . when i recovered i found myself surrounded by the people of the inn their countenances expressed a breathless terror , but the horror of others appeared only as a mockery , a shadow of the feelings that oppressed me . i escaped from them to the room where lay the body of elizabeth , my love , my wife , so lately living , so dear , so worthy . she had been moved from the posture in which i had first beheld her , and now , as she lay , her head upon her arm and a handkerchief thrown across her face and neck , i might have supposed her asleep . i rushed towards her and embraced her with ardour , but the deadly languor and coldness of the limbs told me that what i now held in my arms had ceased to be the elizabeth whom i had loved and cherished . the murderous mark of the fiends grasp was on her neck , and the breath had ceased to issue from her lips . while i still hung over her in the agony of despair , i happened to look up . the windows of the room had before been darkened , and i felt a kind of panic on seeing the pale yellow light of the moon illuminate the chamber . the shutters had been thrown back , and with a sensation of horror not to be described , i saw at the open window a figure the most hideous and abhorred . a grin was on the face of the monster he seemed to jeer , as with his fiendish finger he pointed towards the corpse of my wife . i rushed towards the window , and drawing a pistol from my bosom , fired but he eluded me , leaped from his station , and running with the swiftness of lightning , plunged into the lake . the report of the pistol brought a crowd into the room . i pointed to the spot where he had disappeared , and we followed the track with boats nets were cast , but in vain . after passing several hours , we returned hopeless , most of my companions believing it to have been a form conjured up by my fancy . after having landed , they proceeded to search the country , parties going in different directions among the woods and vines . i attempted to accompany them and proceeded a short distance from the house , but my head whirled round , my steps were like those of a drunken man , i fell at last in a state of utter exhaustion a film covered my eyes , and my skin was parched with the heat of fever . in this state i was carried back and placed on a bed , hardly conscious of what had happened my eyes wandered round the room as if to seek something that i had lost . after an interval i arose , and as if by instinct , crawled into the room where the corpse of my beloved lay . there were women weeping around i hung over it and joined my sad tears to theirs all this time no distinct idea presented itself to my mind , but my thoughts rambled to various subjects , reflecting confusedly on my misfortunes and their cause . i was bewildered , in a cloud of wonder and horror . the death of william , the execution of justine , the murder of clerval , and lastly of my wife even at that moment i knew not that my only remaining friends were safe from the malignity of the fiend my father even now might be writhing under his grasp , and ernest might be dead at his feet . this idea made me shudder and recalled me to action . i started up and resolved to return to geneva with all possible speed . there were no horses to be procured , and i must return by the lake but the wind was unfavourable , and the rain fell in torrents . however , it was hardly morning , and i might reasonably hope to arrive by night . i hired men to row and took an oar myself , for i had always experienced relief from mental torment in bodily exercise . but the overflowing misery i now felt , and the excess of agitation that i endured rendered me incapable of any exertion . i threw down the oar , and leaning my head upon my hands , gave way to every gloomy idea that arose . if i looked up , i saw scenes which were familiar to me in my happier time and which i had contemplated but the day before in the company of her who was now but a shadow and a recollection . tears streamed from my eyes . the rain had ceased for a moment , and i saw the fish play in the waters as they had done a few hours before they had then been observed by elizabeth . nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change . the sun might shine or the clouds might lower , but nothing could appear to me as it had done the day before . a fiend had snatched from me every hope of future happiness no creature had ever been so miserable as i was so frightful an event is single in the history of man . but why should i dwell upon the incidents that followed this last overwhelming event . mine has been a tale of horrors i have reached their acme , and what i must now relate can but be tedious to you . know that , one by one , my friends were snatched away i was left desolate . my own strength is exhausted , and i must tell , in a few words , what remains of my hideous narration . i arrived at geneva . my father and ernest yet lived , but the former sunk under the tidings that i bore . i see him now , excellent and venerable old man . his eyes wandered in vacancy , for they had lost their charm and their delighthis elizabeth , his more than daughter , whom he doted on with all that affection which a man feels , who in the decline of life , having few affections , clings more earnestly to those that remain . cursed , be the fiend that brought misery on his grey hairs and doomed him to waste in wretchedness . he could not live under the horrors that were accumulated around him the springs of existence suddenly gave way he was unable to rise from his bed , and in a few days he died in my arms . what then became of me . i know not i lost sensation , and chains and darkness were the only objects that pressed upon me . sometimes , indeed , i dreamt that i wandered in flowery meadows and pleasant vales with the friends of my youth , but i awoke and found myself in a dungeon . melancholy followed , but by degrees i gained a clear conception of my miseries and situation and was then released from my prison . for they had called me mad , and during many months , as i understood , a solitary cell had been my habitation . liberty , however , had been a useless gift to me , had i not , as i awakened to reason , at the same time awakened to revenge . as the memory of past misfortunes pressed upon me , i began to reflect on their causethe monster whom i had created , the miserable dmon whom i had sent abroad into the world for my destruction . i was possessed by a maddening rage when i thought of him , and desired and ardently prayed that i might have him within my grasp to wreak a great and signal revenge on his cursed head . nor did my hate long confine itself to useless wishes i began to reflect on the best means of securing him and for this purpose , about a month after my release , i repaired to a criminal judge in the town and told him that i had an accusation to make , that i knew the destroyer of my family , and that i required him to exert his whole authority for the apprehension of the murderer . the magistrate listened to me with attention and kindness . be assured , sir , said he , no pains or exertions on my part shall be spared to discover the villain . i thank you , replied i listen , therefore , to the deposition that i have to make . it is indeed a tale so strange that i should fear you would not credit it were there not something in truth which , however wonderful , forces conviction . the story is too connected to be mistaken for a dream , and i have no motive for falsehood . my manner as i thus addressed him was impressive but calm i had formed in my own heart a resolution to pursue my destroyer to death , and this purpose quieted my agony and for an interval reconciled me to life . i now related my history briefly but with firmness and precision , marking the dates with accuracy and never deviating into invective or exclamation . the magistrate appeared at first perfectly incredulous , but as i continued he became more attentive and interested i saw him sometimes shudder with horror at others a lively surprise , unmingled with disbelief , was painted on his countenance . when i had concluded my narration , i said , this is the being whom i accuse and for whose seizure and punishment i call upon you to exert your whole power . it is your duty as a magistrate , and i believe and hope that your feelings as a man will not revolt from the execution of those functions on this occasion . this address caused a considerable change in the physiognomy of my own auditor . he had heard my story with that half kind of belief that is given to a tale of spirits and supernatural events but when he was called upon to act officially in consequence , the whole tide of his incredulity returned . he , however , answered mildly , i would willingly afford you every aid in your pursuit , but the creature of whom you speak appears to have powers which would put all my exertions to defiance . who can follow an animal which can traverse the sea of ice and inhabit caves and dens where no man would venture to intrude . besides , some months have elapsed since the commission of his crimes , and no one can conjecture to what place he has wandered or what region he may now inhabit . i do not doubt that he hovers near the spot which i inhabit , and if he has indeed taken refuge in the alps , he may be hunted like the chamois and destroyed as a beast of prey . but i perceive your thoughts you do not credit my narrative and do not intend to pursue my enemy with the punishment which is his desert . as i spoke , rage sparkled in my eyes the magistrate was intimidated . you are mistaken , said he . i will exert myself , and if it is in my power to seize the monster , be assured that he shall suffer punishment proportionate to his crimes . but i fear , from what you have yourself described to be his properties , that this will prove impracticable and thus , while every proper measure is pursued , you should make up your mind to disappointment . that cannot be but all that i can say will be of little avail . my revenge is of no moment to you yet , while i allow it to be a vice , i confess that it is the devouring and only passion of my soul . my rage is unspeakable when i reflect that the murderer , whom i have turned loose upon society , still exists . you refuse my just demand i have but one resource , and i devote myself , either in my life or death , to his destruction . i trembled with excess of agitation as i said this there was a frenzy in my manner , and something , i doubt not , of that haughty fierceness which the martyrs of old are said to have possessed . but to a genevan magistrate , whose mind was occupied by far other ideas than those of devotion and heroism , this elevation of mind had much the appearance of madness . he endeavoured to soothe me as a nurse does a child and reverted to my tale as the effects of delirium . man , i cried , how ignorant art thou in thy pride of wisdom . cease you know not what it is you say . i broke from the house angry and disturbed and retired to meditate on some other mode of action . chapter my present situation was one in which all voluntary thought was swallowed up and lost . i was hurried away by fury revenge alone endowed me with strength and composure it moulded my feelings and allowed me to be calculating and calm at periods when otherwise delirium or death would have been my portion . my first resolution was to quit geneva for ever my country , which , when i was happy and beloved , was dear to me , now , in my adversity , became hateful . i provided myself with a sum of money , together with a few jewels which had belonged to my mother , and departed . and now my wanderings began which are to cease but with life . i have traversed a vast portion of the earth and have endured all the hardships which travellers in deserts and barbarous countries are wont to meet . how i have lived i hardly know many times have i stretched my failing limbs upon the sandy plain and prayed for death . but revenge kept me alive i dared not die and leave my adversary in being . when i quitted geneva my first labour was to gain some clue by which i might trace the steps of my fiendish enemy . but my plan was unsettled , and i wandered many hours round the confines of the town , uncertain what path i should pursue . as night approached i found myself at the entrance of the cemetery where william , elizabeth , and my father reposed . i entered it and approached the tomb which marked their graves . everything was silent except the leaves of the trees , which were gently agitated by the wind the night was nearly dark , and the scene would have been solemn and affecting even to an uninterested observer . the spirits of the departed seemed to flit around and to cast a shadow , which was felt but not seen , around the head of the mourner . the deep grief which this scene had at first excited quickly gave way to rage and despair . they were dead , and i lived their murderer also lived , and to destroy him i must drag out my weary existence . i knelt on the grass and kissed the earth and with quivering lips exclaimed , by the sacred earth on which i kneel , by the shades that wander near me , by the deep and eternal grief that i feel , i swear and by thee , o night , and the spirits that preside over thee , to pursue the dmon who caused this misery , until he or i shall perish in mortal conflict . for this purpose i will preserve my life to execute this dear revenge will i again behold the sun and tread the green herbage of earth , which otherwise should vanish from my eyes for ever . and i call on you , spirits of the dead , and on you , wandering ministers of vengeance , to aid and conduct me in my work . let the cursed and hellish monster drink deep of agony let him feel the despair that now torments me . i had begun my adjuration with solemnity and an awe which almost assured me that the shades of my murdered friends heard and approved my devotion , but the furies possessed me as i concluded , and rage choked my utterance . i was answered through the stillness of night by a loud and fiendish laugh . it rang on my ears long and heavily the mountains re echoed it , and i felt as if all hell surrounded me with mockery and laughter . surely in that moment i should have been possessed by frenzy and have destroyed my miserable existence but that my vow was heard and that i was reserved for vengeance . the laughter died away , when a well known and abhorred voice , apparently close to my ear , addressed me in an audible whisper , i am satisfied , miserable wretch . you have determined to live , and i am satisfied . i darted towards the spot from which the sound proceeded , but the devil eluded my grasp . suddenly the broad disk of the moon arose and shone full upon his ghastly and distorted shape as he fled with more than mortal speed . i pursued him , and for many months this has been my task . guided by a slight clue , i followed the windings of the rhone , but vainly . the blue mediterranean appeared , and by a strange chance , i saw the fiend enter by night and hide himself in a vessel bound for the black sea . i took my passage in the same ship , but he escaped , i know not how . amidst the wilds of tartary and russia , although he still evaded me , i have ever followed in his track . sometimes the peasants , scared by this horrid apparition , informed me of his path sometimes he himself , who feared that if i lost all trace of him i should despair and die , left some mark to guide me . the snows descended on my head , and i saw the print of his huge step on the white plain . to you first entering on life , to whom care is new and agony unknown , how can you understand what i have felt and still feel . cold , want , and fatigue were the least pains which i was destined to endure i was cursed by some devil and carried about with me my eternal hell yet still a spirit of good followed and directed my steps and when i most murmured would suddenly extricate me from seemingly insurmountable difficulties . sometimes , when nature , overcome by hunger , sank under the exhaustion , a repast was prepared for me in the desert that restored and inspirited me . the fare was , indeed , coarse , such as the peasants of the country ate , but i will not doubt that it was set there by the spirits that i had invoked to aid me . often , when all was dry , the heavens cloudless , and i was parched by thirst , a slight cloud would bedim the sky , shed the few drops that revived me , and vanish . i followed , when i could , the courses of the rivers but the dmon generally avoided these , as it was here that the population of the country chiefly collected . in other places human beings were seldom seen , and i generally subsisted on the wild animals that crossed my path . i had money with me and gained the friendship of the villagers by distributing it or i brought with me some food that i had killed , which , after taking a small part , i always presented to those who had provided me with fire and utensils for cooking . my life , as it passed thus , was indeed hateful to me , and it was during sleep alone that i could taste joy . o blessed sleep . often , when most miserable , i sank to repose , and my dreams lulled me even to rapture . the spirits that guarded me had provided these moments , or rather hours , of happiness that i might retain strength to fulfil my pilgrimage . deprived of this respite , i should have sunk under my hardships . during the day i was sustained and inspirited by the hope of night , for in sleep i saw my friends , my wife , and my beloved country again i saw the benevolent countenance of my father , heard the silver tones of my elizabeths voice , and beheld clerval enjoying health and youth . often , when wearied by a toilsome march , i persuaded myself that i was dreaming until night should come and that i should then enjoy reality in the arms of my dearest friends . what agonising fondness did i feel for them . how did i cling to their dear forms , as sometimes they haunted even my waking hours , and persuade myself that they still lived . at such moments vengeance , that burned within me , died in my heart , and i pursued my path towards the destruction of the dmon more as a task enjoined by heaven , as the mechanical impulse of some power of which i was unconscious , than as the ardent desire of my soul . what his feelings were whom i pursued i cannot know . sometimes , indeed , he left marks in writing on the barks of the trees or cut in stone that guided me and instigated my fury . my reign is not yet overthese words were legible in one of these inscriptionsyou live , and my power is complete . follow me i seek the everlasting ices of the north , where you will feel the misery of cold and frost , to which i am impassive . you will find near this place , if you follow not too tardily , a dead hare eat and be refreshed . come on , my enemy we have yet to wrestle for our lives , but many hard and miserable hours must you endure until that period shall arrive . scoffing devil . again do i vow vengeance again do i devote thee , miserable fiend , to torture and death . never will i give up my search until he or i perish and then with what ecstasy shall i join my elizabeth and my departed friends , who even now prepare for me the reward of my tedious toil and horrible pilgrimage . as i still pursued my journey to the northward , the snows thickened and the cold increased in a degree almost too severe to support . the peasants were shut up in their hovels , and only a few of the most hardy ventured forth to seize the animals whom starvation had forced from their hiding places to seek for prey . the rivers were covered with ice , and no fish could be procured and thus i was cut off from my chief article of maintenance . the triumph of my enemy increased with the difficulty of my labours . one inscription that he left was in these words prepare . your toils only begin wrap yourself in furs and provide food , for we shall soon enter upon a journey where your sufferings will satisfy my everlasting hatred . my courage and perseverance were invigorated by these scoffing words i resolved not to fail in my purpose , and calling on heaven to support me , i continued with unabated fervour to traverse immense deserts , until the ocean appeared at a distance and formed the utmost boundary of the horizon . oh . how unlike it was to the blue seasons of the south . covered with ice , it was only to be distinguished from land by its superior wildness and ruggedness . the greeks wept for joy when they beheld the mediterranean from the hills of asia , and hailed with rapture the boundary of their toils . i did not weep , but i knelt down and with a full heart thanked my guiding spirit for conducting me in safety to the place where i hoped , notwithstanding my adversarys gibe , to meet and grapple with him . some weeks before this period i had procured a sledge and dogs and thus traversed the snows with inconceivable speed . i know not whether the fiend possessed the same advantages , but i found that , as before i had daily lost ground in the pursuit , i now gained on him , so much so that when i first saw the ocean he was but one days journey in advance , and i hoped to intercept him before he should reach the beach . with new courage , therefore , i pressed on , and in two days arrived at a wretched hamlet on the seashore . i inquired of the inhabitants concerning the fiend and gained accurate information . a gigantic monster , they said , had arrived the night before , armed with a gun and many pistols , putting to flight the inhabitants of a solitary cottage through fear of his terrific appearance . he had carried off their store of winter food , and placing it in a sledge , to draw which he had seized on a numerous drove of trained dogs , he had harnessed them , and the same night , to the joy of the horror struck villagers , had pursued his journey across the sea in a direction that led to no land and they conjectured that he must speedily be destroyed by the breaking of the ice or frozen by the eternal frosts . on hearing this information i suffered a temporary access of despair . he had escaped me , and i must commence a destructive and almost endless journey across the mountainous ices of the ocean , amidst cold that few of the inhabitants could long endure and which i , the native of a genial and sunny climate , could not hope to survive . yet at the idea that the fiend should live and be triumphant , my rage and vengeance returned , and like a mighty tide , overwhelmed every other feeling . after a slight repose , during which the spirits of the dead hovered round and instigated me to toil and revenge , i prepared for my journey . i exchanged my land sledge for one fashioned for the inequalities of the frozen ocean , and purchasing a plentiful stock of provisions , i departed from land . i cannot guess how many days have passed since then , but i have endured misery which nothing but the eternal sentiment of a just retribution burning within my heart could have enabled me to support . immense and rugged mountains of ice often barred up my passage , and i often heard the thunder of the ground sea , which threatened my destruction . but again the frost came and made the paths of the sea secure . by the quantity of provision which i had consumed , i should guess that i had passed three weeks in this journey and the continual protraction of hope , returning back upon the heart , often wrung bitter drops of despondency and grief from my eyes . despair had indeed almost secured her prey , and i should soon have sunk beneath this misery . once , after the poor animals that conveyed me had with incredible toil gained the summit of a sloping ice mountain , and one , sinking under his fatigue , died , i viewed the expanse before me with anguish , when suddenly my eye caught a dark speck upon the dusky plain . i strained my sight to discover what it could be and uttered a wild cry of ecstasy when i distinguished a sledge and the distorted proportions of a well known form within . oh . with what a burning gush did hope revisit my heart . warm tears filled my eyes , which i hastily wiped away , that they might not intercept the view i had of the dmon but still my sight was dimmed by the burning drops , until , giving way to the emotions that oppressed me , i wept aloud . but this was not the time for delay i disencumbered the dogs of their dead companion , gave them a plentiful portion of food , and after an hours rest , which was absolutely necessary , and yet which was bitterly irksome to me , i continued my route . the sledge was still visible , nor did i again lose sight of it except at the moments when for a short time some ice rock concealed it with its intervening crags . i indeed perceptibly gained on it , and when , after nearly two days journey , i beheld my enemy at no more than a mile distant , my heart bounded within me . but now , when i appeared almost within grasp of my foe , my hopes were suddenly extinguished , and i lost all trace of him more utterly than i had ever done before . a ground sea was heard the thunder of its progress , as the waters rolled and swelled beneath me , became every moment more ominous and terrific . i pressed on , but in vain . the wind arose the sea roared and , as with the mighty shock of an earthquake , it split and cracked with a tremendous and overwhelming sound . the work was soon finished in a few minutes a tumultuous sea rolled between me and my enemy , and i was left drifting on a scattered piece of ice that was continually lessening and thus preparing for me a hideous death . in this manner many appalling hours passed several of my dogs died , and i myself was about to sink under the accumulation of distress when i saw your vessel riding at anchor and holding forth to me hopes of succour and life . i had no conception that vessels ever came so far north and was astounded at the sight . i quickly destroyed part of my sledge to construct oars , and by these means was enabled , with infinite fatigue , to move my ice raft in the direction of your ship . i had determined , if you were going southwards , still to trust myself to the mercy of the seas rather than abandon my purpose . i hoped to induce you to grant me a boat with which i could pursue my enemy . but your direction was northwards . you took me on board when my vigour was exhausted , and i should soon have sunk under my multiplied hardships into a death which i still dread , for my task is unfulfilled . oh . when will my guiding spirit , in conducting me to the dmon , allow me the rest i so much desire or must i die , and he yet live . if i do , swear to me , walton , that he shall not escape , that you will seek him and satisfy my vengeance in his death . and do i dare to ask of you to undertake my pilgrimage , to endure the hardships that i have undergone . no i am not so selfish . yet , when i am dead , if he should appear , if the ministers of vengeance should conduct him to you , swear that he shall not liveswear that he shall not triumph over my accumulated woes and survive to add to the list of his dark crimes . he is eloquent and persuasive , and once his words had even power over my heart but trust him not . his soul is as hellish as his form , full of treachery and fiend like malice . hear him not call on the names of william , justine , clerval , elizabeth , my father , and of the wretched victor , and thrust your sword into his heart . i will hover near and direct the steel aright . walton , in continuation . august th , . you have read this strange and terrific story , margaret and do you not feel your blood congeal with horror , like that which even now curdles mine . sometimes , seized with sudden agony , he could not continue his tale at others , his voice broken , yet piercing , uttered with difficulty the words so replete with anguish . his fine and lovely eyes were now lighted up with indignation , now subdued to downcast sorrow and quenched in infinite wretchedness . sometimes he commanded his countenance and tones and related the most horrible incidents with a tranquil voice , suppressing every mark of agitation then , like a volcano bursting forth , his face would suddenly change to an expression of the wildest rage as he shrieked out imprecations on his persecutor . his tale is connected and told with an appearance of the simplest truth , yet i own to you that the letters of felix and safie , which he showed me , and the apparition of the monster seen from our ship , brought to me a greater conviction of the truth of his narrative than his asseverations , however earnest and connected . such a monster has , then , really existence . i cannot doubt it , yet i am lost in surprise and admiration . sometimes i endeavoured to gain from frankenstein the particulars of his creatures formation , but on this point he was impenetrable . are you mad , my friend . said he . or whither does your senseless curiosity lead you . would you also create for yourself and the world a demoniacal enemy . peace , . learn my miseries and do not seek to increase your own . frankenstein discovered that i made notes concerning his history he asked to see them and then himself corrected and augmented them in many places , but principally in giving the life and spirit to the conversations he held with his enemy . since you have preserved my narration , said he , i would not that a mutilated one should go down to posterity . thus has a week passed away , while i have listened to the strangest tale that ever imagination formed . my thoughts and every feeling of my soul have been drunk up by the interest for my guest which this tale and his own elevated and gentle manners have created . i wish to soothe him , yet can i counsel one so infinitely miserable , so destitute of every hope of consolation , to live . oh , no . the only joy that he can now know will be when he composes his shattered spirit to peace and death . yet he enjoys one comfort , the offspring of solitude and delirium he believes that when in dreams he holds converse with his friends and derives from that communion consolation for his miseries or excitements to his vengeance , that they are not the creations of his fancy , but the beings themselves who visit him from the regions of a remote world . this faith gives a solemnity to his reveries that render them to me almost as imposing and interesting as truth . our conversations are not always confined to his own history and misfortunes . on every point of general literature he displays unbounded knowledge and a quick and piercing apprehension . his eloquence is forcible and touching nor can i hear him , when he relates a pathetic incident or endeavours to move the passions of pity or love , without tears . what a glorious creature must he have been in the days of his prosperity , when he is thus noble and godlike in ruin . he seems to feel his own worth and the greatness of his fall . when younger , said he , i believed myself destined for some great enterprise . my feelings are profound , but i possessed a coolness of judgment that fitted me for illustrious achievements . this sentiment of the worth of my nature supported me when others would have been oppressed , for i deemed it criminal to throw away in useless grief those talents that might be useful to my fellow creatures . when i reflected on the work i had completed , no less a one than the creation of a sensitive and rational animal , i could not rank myself with the herd of common projectors . but this thought , which supported me in the commencement of my career , now serves only to plunge me lower in the dust . all my speculations and hopes are as nothing , and like the archangel who aspired to omnipotence , i am chained in an eternal hell . my imagination was vivid , yet my powers of analysis and application were intense by the union of these qualities i conceived the idea and executed the creation of a man . even now i cannot recollect without passion my reveries while the work was incomplete . i trod heaven in my thoughts , now exulting in my powers , now burning with the idea of their effects . from my infancy i was imbued with high hopes and a lofty ambition but how am i sunk . oh . my friend , if you had known me as i once was , you would not recognise me in this state of degradation . despondency rarely visited my heart a high destiny seemed to bear me on , until i fell , never , again to rise . must i then lose this admirable being . i have longed for a friend i have sought one who would sympathise with and love me . behold , on these desert seas i have found such a one , but i fear i have gained him only to know his value and lose him . i would reconcile him to life , but he repulses the idea . i thank you , walton , he said , for your kind intentions towards so miserable a wretch but when you speak of new ties and fresh affections , think you that any can replace those who are gone . can any man be to me as clerval was , or any woman another elizabeth . even where the affections are not strongly moved by any superior excellence , the companions of our childhood always possess a certain power over our minds which hardly any later friend can obtain . they know our infantine dispositions , which , however they may be afterwards modified , are never eradicated and they can judge of our actions with more certain conclusions as to the integrity of our motives . a sister or a brother can never , unless indeed such symptoms have been shown early , suspect the other of fraud or false dealing , when another friend , however strongly he may be attached , may , in spite of himself , be contemplated with suspicion . but i enjoyed friends , dear not only through habit and association , but from their own merits and wherever i am , the soothing voice of my elizabeth and the conversation of clerval will be ever whispered in my ear . they are dead , and but one feeling in such a solitude can persuade me to preserve my life . if i were engaged in any high undertaking or design , fraught with extensive utility to my fellow creatures , then could i live to fulfil it . but such is not my destiny i must pursue and destroy the being to whom i gave existence then my lot on earth will be fulfilled and i may die . my beloved sister , september d . i write to you , encompassed by peril and ignorant whether i am ever doomed to see again dear england and the dearer friends that inhabit it . i am surrounded by mountains of ice which admit of no escape and threaten every moment to crush my vessel . the brave fellows whom i have persuaded to be my companions look towards me for aid , but i have none to bestow . there is something terribly appalling in our situation , yet my courage and hopes do not desert me . yet it is terrible to reflect that the lives of all these men are endangered through me . if we are lost , my mad schemes are the cause . and what , margaret , will be the state of your mind . you will not hear of my destruction , and you will anxiously await my return . years will pass , and you will have visitings of despair and yet be tortured by hope . oh . my beloved sister , the sickening failing of your heart felt expectations is , in prospect , more terrible to me than my own death . but you have a husband and lovely children you may be happy . heaven bless you and make you so . my unfortunate guest regards me with the tenderest compassion . he endeavours to fill me with hope and talks as if life were a possession which he valued . he reminds me how often the same accidents have happened to other navigators who have attempted this sea , and in spite of myself , he fills me with cheerful auguries . even the sailors feel the power of his eloquence when he speaks , they no longer despair he rouses their energies , and while they hear his voice they believe these vast mountains of ice are mole hills which will vanish before the resolutions of man . these feelings are transitory each day of expectation delayed fills them with fear , and i almost dread a mutiny caused by this despair . september th . a scene has just passed of such uncommon interest that , although it is highly probable that these papers may never reach you , yet i cannot forbear recording it . we are still surrounded by mountains of ice , still in imminent danger of being crushed in their conflict . the cold is excessive , and many of my unfortunate comrades have already found a grave amidst this scene of desolation . frankenstein has daily declined in health a feverish fire still glimmers in his eyes , but he is exhausted , and when suddenly roused to any exertion , he speedily sinks again into apparent lifelessness . i mentioned in my last letter the fears i entertained of a mutiny . this morning , as i sat watching the wan countenance of my friendhis eyes half closed and his limbs hanging listlesslyi was roused by half a dozen of the sailors , who demanded admission into the cabin . they entered , and their leader addressed me . he told me that he and his companions had been chosen by the other sailors to come in deputation to me to make me a requisition which , in justice , i could not refuse . we were immured in ice and should probably never escape , but they feared that if , as was possible , the ice should dissipate and a free passage be opened , i should be rash enough to continue my voyage and lead them into fresh dangers , after they might happily have surmounted this . they insisted , therefore , that i should engage with a solemn promise that if the vessel should be freed i would instantly direct my course southwards . this speech troubled me . i had not despaired , nor had i yet conceived the idea of returning if set free . yet could i , in justice , or even in possibility , refuse this demand . i hesitated before i answered , when frankenstein , who had at first been silent , and indeed appeared hardly to have force enough to attend , now roused himself his eyes sparkled , and his cheeks flushed with momentary vigour . turning towards the men , he said , what do you mean . what do you demand of your captain . are you , then , so easily turned from your design . did you not call this a glorious expedition . and wherefore was it glorious . not because the way was smooth and placid as a southern sea , but because it was full of dangers and terror , because at every new incident your fortitude was to be called forth and your courage exhibited , because danger and death surrounded it , and these you were to brave and overcome . for this was it a glorious , for this was it an honourable undertaking . you were hereafter to be hailed as the benefactors of your species , your names adored as belonging to brave men who encountered death for honour and the benefit of mankind . and now , behold , with the first imagination of danger , or , if you will , the first mighty and terrific trial of your courage , you shrink away and are content to be handed down as men who had not strength enough to endure cold and peril and so , poor souls , they were chilly and returned to their warm firesides . why , that requires not this preparation ye need not have come thus far and dragged your captain to the shame of a defeat merely to prove yourselves cowards . oh . be men , or be more than men . be steady to your purposes and firm as a rock . this ice is not made of such stuff as your hearts may be it is mutable and cannot withstand you if you say that it shall not . do not return to your families with the stigma of disgrace marked on your brows . return as heroes who have fought and conquered and who know not what it is to turn their backs on the foe . he spoke this with a voice so modulated to the different feelings expressed in his speech , with an eye so full of lofty design and heroism , that can you wonder that these men were moved . they looked at one another and were unable to reply . i spoke i told them to retire and consider of what had been said , that i would not lead them farther north if they strenuously desired the contrary , but that i hoped that , with reflection , their courage would return . they retired and i turned towards my friend , but he was sunk in languor and almost deprived of life . how all this will terminate , i know not , but i had rather die than return shamefully , my purpose unfulfilled . yet i fear such will be my fate the men , unsupported by ideas of glory and honour , can never willingly continue to endure their present hardships . september th . the die is cast i have consented to return if we are not destroyed . thus are my hopes blasted by cowardice and indecision i come back ignorant and disappointed . it requires more philosophy than i possess to bear this injustice with patience . september th . it is past i am returning to england . i have lost my hopes of utility and glory i have lost my friend . but i will endeavour to detail these bitter circumstances to you , my dear sister and while i am wafted towards england and towards you , i will not despond . september th , the ice began to move , and roarings like thunder were heard at a distance as the islands split and cracked in every direction . we were in the most imminent peril , but as we could only remain passive , my chief attention was occupied by my unfortunate guest whose illness increased in such a degree that he was entirely confined to his bed . the ice cracked behind us and was driven with force towards the north a breeze sprang from the west , and on the th the passage towards the south became perfectly free . when the sailors saw this and that their return to their native country was apparently assured , a shout of tumultuous joy broke from them , loud and long continued . frankenstein , who was dozing , awoke and asked the cause of the tumult . they shout , i said , because they will soon return to england . do you , then , really return . alas . yes i cannot withstand their demands . i cannot lead them unwillingly to danger , and i must return . do so , if you will but i will not . you may give up your purpose , but mine is assigned to me by heaven , and i dare not . i am weak , but surely the spirits who assist my vengeance will endow me with sufficient strength . saying this , he endeavoured to spring from the bed , but the exertion was too great for him he fell back and fainted . it was long before he was restored , and i often thought that life was entirely extinct . at length he opened his eyes he breathed with difficulty and was unable to speak . the surgeon gave him a composing draught and ordered us to leave him undisturbed . in the meantime he told me that my friend had certainly not many hours to live . his sentence was pronounced , and i could only grieve and be patient . i sat by his bed , watching him his eyes were closed , and i thought he slept but presently he called to me in a feeble voice , and bidding me come near , said , alas . the strength i relied on is gone i feel that i shall soon die , and he , my enemy and persecutor , may still be in being . think not , walton , that in the last moments of my existence i feel that burning hatred and ardent desire of revenge i once expressed but i feel myself justified in desiring the death of my adversary . during these last days i have been occupied in examining my past conduct nor do i find it blamable . in a fit of enthusiastic madness i created a rational creature and was bound towards him to assure , as far as was in my power , his happiness and well being . this was my duty , but there was another still paramount to that . my duties towards the beings of my own species had greater claims to my attention because they included a greater proportion of happiness or misery . urged by this view , i refused , and i did right in refusing , to create a companion for the first creature . he showed unparalleled malignity and selfishness in evil he destroyed my friends he devoted to destruction beings who possessed exquisite sensations , happiness , and wisdom nor do i know where this thirst for vengeance may end . miserable himself that he may render no other wretched , he ought to die . the task of his destruction was mine , but i have failed . when actuated by selfish and vicious motives , i asked you to undertake my unfinished work , and i renew this request now , when i am only induced by reason and virtue . yet i cannot ask you to renounce your country and friends to fulfil this task and now that you are returning to england , you will have little chance of meeting with him . but the consideration of these points , and the well balancing of what you may esteem your duties , i leave to you my judgment and ideas are already disturbed by the near approach of death . i dare not ask you to do what i think right , for i may still be misled by passion . that he should live to be an instrument of mischief disturbs me in other respects , this hour , when i momentarily expect my release , is the only happy one which i have enjoyed for several years . the forms of the beloved dead flit before me , and i hasten to their arms . farewell , walton . seek happiness in tranquillity and avoid ambition , even if it be only the apparently innocent one of distinguishing yourself in science and discoveries . yet why do i say this . i have myself been blasted in these hopes , yet another may succeed . his voice became fainter as he spoke , and at length , exhausted by his effort , he sank into silence . about half an hour afterwards he attempted again to speak but was unable he pressed my hand feebly , and his eyes closed for ever , while the irradiation of a gentle smile passed away from his lips . margaret , what comment can i make on the untimely extinction of this glorious spirit . what can i say that will enable you to understand the depth of my sorrow . all that i should express would be inadequate and feeble . my tears flow my mind is overshadowed by a cloud of disappointment . but i journey towards england , and i may there find consolation . i am interrupted . what do these sounds portend . it is midnight the breeze blows fairly , and the watch on deck scarcely stir . again there is a sound as of a human voice , but hoarser it comes from the cabin where the remains of frankenstein still lie . i must arise and examine . good night , my sister . great god . what a scene has just taken place . i am yet dizzy with the remembrance of it . i hardly know whether i shall have the power to detail it yet the tale which i have recorded would be incomplete without this final and wonderful catastrophe . i entered the cabin where lay the remains of my ill fated and admirable friend . over him hung a form which i cannot find words to describegigantic in stature , yet uncouth and distorted in its proportions . as he hung over the coffin , his face was concealed by long locks of ragged hair but one vast hand was extended , in colour and apparent texture like that of a mummy . when he heard the sound of my approach , he ceased to utter exclamations of grief and horror and sprung towards the window . never did i behold a vision so horrible as his face , of such loathsome yet appalling hideousness . i shut my eyes involuntarily and endeavoured to recollect what were my duties with regard to this destroyer . i called on him to stay . he paused , looking on me with wonder , and again turning towards the lifeless form of his creator , he seemed to forget my presence , and every feature and gesture seemed instigated by the wildest rage of some uncontrollable passion . that is also my victim . he exclaimed . in his murder my crimes are consummated the miserable series of my being is wound to its close . oh , frankenstein . generous and self devoted being . what does it avail that i now ask thee to pardon me . i , who irretrievably destroyed thee by destroying all thou lovedst . alas . he is cold , he cannot answer me . his voice seemed suffocated , and my first impulses , which had suggested to me the duty of obeying the dying request of my friend in destroying his enemy , were now suspended by a mixture of curiosity and compassion . i approached this tremendous being i dared not again raise my eyes to his face , there was something so scaring and unearthly in his ugliness . i attempted to speak , but the words died away on my lips . the monster continued to utter wild and incoherent self reproaches . at length i gathered resolution to address him in a pause of the tempest of his passion . your repentance , i said , is now superfluous . if you had listened to the voice of conscience and heeded the stings of remorse before you had urged your diabolical vengeance to this extremity , frankenstein would yet have lived . and do you dream . said the dmon . do you think that i was then dead to agony and remorse . he , continued , pointing to the corpse , he suffered not in the consummation of the deed . oh . not the ten thousandth portion of the anguish that was mine during the lingering detail of its execution . a frightful selfishness hurried me on , while my heart was poisoned with remorse . think you that the groans of clerval were music to my ears . my heart was fashioned to be susceptible of love and sympathy , and when wrenched by misery to vice and hatred , it did not endure the violence of the change without torture such as you cannot even imagine . after the murder of clerval i returned to switzerland , heart broken and overcome . i pitied frankenstein my pity amounted to horror i abhorred myself . but when i discovered that he , the author at once of my existence and of its unspeakable torments , dared to hope for happiness , that while he accumulated wretchedness and despair upon me he sought his own enjoyment in feelings and passions from the indulgence of which i was for ever barred , then impotent envy and bitter indignation filled me with an insatiable thirst for vengeance . i recollected my threat and resolved that it should be accomplished . i knew that i was preparing for myself a deadly torture , but i was the slave , not the master , of an impulse which i detested yet could not disobey . yet when she died . nay , then i was not miserable . i had cast off all feeling , subdued all anguish , to riot in the excess of my despair . evil thenceforth became my good . urged thus far , i had no choice but to adapt my nature to an element which i had willingly chosen . the completion of my demoniacal design became an insatiable passion . and now it is ended there is my last victim . i was at first touched by the expressions of his misery yet , when i called to mind what frankenstein had said of his powers of eloquence and persuasion , and when i again cast my eyes on the lifeless form of my friend , indignation was rekindled within me . wretch . i said . it is well that you come here to whine over the desolation that you have made . you throw a torch into a pile of buildings , and when they are consumed , you sit among the ruins and lament the fall . hypocritical fiend . if he whom you mourn still lived , still would he be the object , again would he become the prey , of your accursed vengeance . it is not pity that you feel you lament only because the victim of your malignity is withdrawn from your power . oh , it is not thusnot thus , interrupted the being . yet such must be the impression conveyed to you by what appears to be the purport of my actions . yet i seek not a fellow feeling in my misery . no sympathy may i ever find . when i first sought it , was the love of virtue , the feelings of happiness and affection with which my whole being overflowed , that i wished to be participated . but now that virtue has become to me a shadow , and that happiness and affection are turned into bitter and loathing despair , in what should i seek for sympathy . i am content to suffer alone while my sufferings shall endure when i die , i am well satisfied that abhorrence and opprobrium should load my memory . once my fancy was soothed with dreams of virtue , of fame , and of enjoyment . once i falsely hoped to meet with beings who , pardoning my outward form , would love me for the excellent qualities which i was capable of unfolding . i was nourished with high thoughts of honour and devotion . but now crime has degraded me beneath the meanest animal . no guilt , no mischief , no malignity , no misery , can be found comparable to mine . when i run over the frightful catalogue of my sins , i cannot believe that i am the same creature whose thoughts were once filled with sublime and transcendent visions of the beauty and the majesty of goodness . but it is even so the fallen angel becomes a malignant devil . yet even that enemy of god and man had friends and associates in his desolation i am alone . you , who call frankenstein your friend , seem to have a knowledge of my crimes and his misfortunes . but in the detail which he gave you of them he could not sum up the hours and months of misery which i endured wasting in impotent passions . for while i destroyed his hopes , i did not satisfy my own desires . they were for ever ardent and craving still i desired love and fellowship , and i was still spurned . was there no injustice in this . am i to be thought the only criminal , when all humankind sinned against me . why do you not hate felix , who drove his friend from his door with contumely . why do you not execrate the rustic who sought to destroy the saviour of his child . nay , these are virtuous and immaculate beings . i , the miserable and the abandoned , am an abortion , to be spurned at , and kicked , and trampled on . even now my blood boils at the recollection of this injustice . but it is true that i am a wretch . i have murdered the lovely and the helpless i have strangled the innocent as they slept and grasped to death his throat who never injured me or any other living thing . i have devoted my creator , the select specimen of all that is worthy of love and admiration among men , to misery i have pursued him even to that irremediable ruin . there he lies , white and cold in death . you hate me , but your abhorrence cannot equal that with which i regard myself . i look on the hands which executed the deed i think on the heart in which the imagination of it was conceived and long for the moment when these hands will meet my eyes , when that imagination will haunt my thoughts no more . fear not that i shall be the instrument of future mischief . my work is nearly complete . neither yours nor any mans death is needed to consummate the series of my being and accomplish that which must be done , but it requires my own . do not think that i shall be slow to perform this sacrifice . i shall quit your vessel on the ice raft which brought me thither and shall seek the most northern extremity of the globe i shall collect my funeral pile and consume to ashes this miserable frame , that its remains may afford no light to any curious and unhallowed wretch who would create such another as i have been . i shall die . i shall no longer feel the agonies which now consume me or be the prey of feelings unsatisfied , yet unquenched . he is dead who called me into being and when i shall be no more , the very remembrance of us both will speedily vanish . i shall no longer see the sun or stars or feel the winds play on my cheeks . light , feeling , and sense will pass away and in this condition must i find my happiness . some years ago , when the images which this world affords first opened upon me , when i felt the cheering warmth of summer and heard the rustling of the leaves and the warbling of the birds , and these were all to me , i should have wept to die now it is my only consolation . polluted by crimes and torn by the bitterest remorse , where can i find rest but in death . farewell . i leave you , and in you the last of humankind whom these eyes will ever behold . farewell , frankenstein . if thou wert yet alive and yet cherished a desire of revenge against me , it would be better satiated in my life than in my destruction . but it was not so thou didst seek my extinction , that i might not cause greater wretchedness and if yet , in some mode unknown to me , thou hadst not ceased to think and feel , thou wouldst not desire against me a vengeance greater than that which i feel . blasted as thou wert , my agony was still superior to thine , for the bitter sting of remorse will not cease to rankle in my wounds until death shall close them for ever . but soon , he cried with sad and solemn enthusiasm , i shall die , and what i now feel be no longer felt . soon these burning miseries will be extinct . i shall ascend my funeral pile triumphantly and exult in the agony of the torturing flames . the light of that conflagration will fade away my ashes will be swept into the sea by the winds . my spirit will sleep in peace , or if it thinks , it will not surely think thus . farewell . he sprang from the cabin window as he said this , upon the ice raft which lay close to the vessel . he was soon borne away by the waves and lost in darkness and distance . it is a truth universally acknowledged , that a single man in possession of a good fortune , must be in want of a wife . however little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood , this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families , that he is considered the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters . my dear mr . bennet , said his lady to him one day , have you heard that netherfield park is let at last . mr . bennet replied that he had not . but it is , returned she for mrs . long has just been here , and she told me all about it . mr . bennet made no answer . do you not want to know who has taken it . cried his wife impatiently . you want to tell me , and i have no objection to hearing it . this was invitation enough . why , my dear , you must know , mrs . long says that netherfield is taken by a young man of large fortune from the north of england that he came down on monday in a chaise and four to see the place , and was so much delighted with it , that he agreed with mr . morris immediately that he is to take possession before michaelmas , and some of his servants are to be in the house by the end of next week . what is his name . bingley . is he married or single . oh . single , my dear , to be sure . a single man of large fortune four or five thousand a year . what a fine thing for our girls . how so . how can it affect them . my dear mr . bennet , replied his wife , how can you be so tiresome . you must know that i am thinking of his marrying one of them . is that his design in settling here . design . nonsense , how can you talk so . but it is very likely that he may fall in love with one of them , and therefore you must visit him as soon as he comes . i see no occasion for that . you and the girls may go , or you may send them by themselves , which perhaps will be still better , for as you are as handsome as any of them , mr . bingley may like you the best of the party . my dear , you flatter me . i certainly have had my share of beauty , but i do not pretend to be anything extraordinary now . when a woman has five grown up daughters , she ought to give over thinking of her own beauty . in such cases , a woman has not often much beauty to think of . but , my dear , you must indeed go and see mr . bingley when he comes into the neighbourhood . it is more than i engage for , i assure you . but consider your daughters . only think what an establishment it would be for one of them . sir william and lady lucas are determined to go , merely on that account , for in general , you know , they visit no newcomers . indeed you must go , for it will be impossible for us to visit him if you do not . you are over scrupulous, , surely . i dare say mr . bingley will be very glad to see you and i will send a few lines by you to assure him of my hearty consent to his marrying whichever he chooses of the girls though i must throw in a good word for my little lizzy . i desire you will do no such thing . lizzy is not a bit better than the others and i am sure she is not half so handsome as jane , nor half so good humoured as lydia . but you are always giving her the preference . they have none of them much to recommend them , replied he they are all silly and ignorant like other girls but lizzy has something more of quickness than her sisters . mr . bennet , how can you abuse your own children in such a way . you take delight in vexing me . you have no compassion for my poor nerves . you mistake me , my dear . i have a high respect for your nerves . they are my old friends . i have heard you mention them with consideration these last twenty years at least . ah , you do not know what i suffer . but i hope you will get over it , and live to see many young men of four thousand a year come into the neighbourhood . it will be no use to us , if twenty such should come , since you will not visit them . depend upon it , my dear , that when there are twenty , i will visit them all . mr . bennet was so odd a mixture of quick parts , sarcastic humour , reserve , and caprice , that the experience of three and years had been insufficient to make his wife understand his character . her mind was less difficult to develop . she was a woman of mean understanding , little information , and uncertain temper . when she was discontented , she fancied herself nervous . the business of her life was to get her daughters married its solace was visiting and news . chapter mr . bennet was among the earliest of those who waited on mr . bingley . he had always intended to visit him , though to the last always assuring his wife that he should not go and till the evening after the visit was paid she had no knowledge of it . it was then disclosed in the following manner . observing his second daughter employed in trimming a hat , he suddenly addressed her with i hope mr . bingley will like it , lizzy . we are not in a way to know what mr . bingley likes , said her mother resentfully , since we are not to visit . but you forget , mamma , said elizabeth , that we shall meet him at the assemblies , and that mrs . long promised to introduce him . i do not believe mrs . long will do any such thing . she has two nieces of her own . she is a selfish , hypocritical woman , and i have no opinion of her . no more have i , said mr . bennet and i am glad to find that you do not depend on her serving you . mrs . bennet deigned not to make any reply , but , unable to contain herself , began scolding one of her daughters . dont keep coughing so , kitty , for heavens sake . have a little compassion on my nerves . you tear them to pieces . kitty has no discretion in her coughs , said her father she times them ill . i do not cough for my own amusement , replied kitty fretfully . when is your next ball to be , lizzy . to morrow fortnight . aye , so it is , cried her mother , and mrs . long does not come back till the day before so it will be impossible for her to introduce him , for she will not know him herself . then , my dear , you may have the advantage of your friend , and introduce mr . bingley to her . impossible , mr . bennet , impossible , when i am not acquainted with him myself how can you be so teasing . i honour your circumspection . a fortnights acquaintance is certainly very little . one cannot know what a man really is by the end of a fortnight . but if we do not venture somebody else will and after all , mrs . long and her neices must stand their chance and , therefore , as she will think it an act of kindness , if you decline the office , i will take it on myself . the girls stared at their father . mrs . bennet said only , nonsense , . what can be the meaning of that emphatic exclamation . cried he . do you consider the forms of introduction , and the stress that is laid on them , as nonsense . i cannot quite agree with you there . what say you , mary . for you are a young lady of deep reflection , i know , and read great books and make extracts . mary wished to say something sensible , but knew not how . while mary is adjusting her ideas , he continued , let us return to mr . bingley . i am sick of mr . bingley , cried his wife . i am sorry to hear that but why did not you tell me that before . if i had known as much this morning i certainly would not have called on him . it is very unlucky but as i have actually paid the visit , we cannot escape the acquaintance now . the astonishment of the ladies was just what he wished that of mrs . bennet perhaps surpassing the rest though , when the first tumult of joy was over , she began to declare that it was what she had expected all the while . how good it was in you , my dear mr . bennet . but i knew i should persuade you at last . i was sure you loved your girls too well to neglect such an acquaintance . well , how pleased i am . and it is such a good joke , too , that you should have gone this morning and never said a word about it till now . now , kitty , you may cough as much as you choose , said mr . bennet and , as he spoke , he left the room , fatigued with the raptures of his wife . what an excellent father you have , girls . said she , when the door was shut . i do not know how you will ever make him amends for his kindness or me , either , for that matter . at our time of life it is not so pleasant , i can tell you , to be making new acquaintances every day but for your sakes , we would do anything . lydia , my love , though you are the youngest , i dare say mr . bingley will dance with you at the next ball . oh . said lydia stoutly , i am not afraid for though i am the youngest , im the tallest . the rest of the evening was spent in conjecturing how soon he would return mr . bennets visit , and determining when they should ask him to dinner . chapter not all that mrs . bennet , however , with the assistance of her five daughters , could ask on the subject , was sufficient to draw from her husband any satisfactory description of mr . bingley . they attacked him in various ways  barefaced questions , ingenious suppositions , and distant surmises but he eluded the skill of them all , and they were at last obliged to accept the second hand intelligence of their neighbour , lady lucas . her report was highly favourable . sir william had been delighted with him . he was quite young , wonderfully handsome , extremely agreeable , and , to crown the whole , he meant to be at the next assembly with a large party . nothing could be more delightful . to be fond of dancing was a certain step towards falling in love and very lively hopes of mr . bingleys heart were entertained . if i can but see one of my daughters happily settled at netherfield , said mrs . bennet to her husband , and all the others equally well married , i shall have nothing to wish for . in a few days mr . bingley returned mr . bennets visit , and sat about ten minutes with him in his library . he had entertained hopes of being admitted to a sight of the young ladies , of whose beauty he had heard much but he saw only the father . the ladies were somewhat more fortunate , for they had the advantage of ascertaining from an upper window that he wore a blue coat , and rode a black horse . an invitation to dinner was soon afterwards dispatched and already had mrs . bennet planned the courses that were to do credit to her housekeeping , when an answer arrived which deferred it all . mr . bingley was obliged to be in town the following day , and , consequently , unable to accept the honour of their invitation , etc . mrs . bennet was quite disconcerted . she could not imagine what business he could have in town so soon after his arrival in hertfordshire and she began to fear that he might be always flying about from one place to another , and never settled at netherfield as he ought to be . lady lucas quieted her fears a little by starting the idea of his being gone to london only to get a large party for the ball and a report soon followed that mr . bingley was to bring twelve ladies and seven gentlemen with him to the assembly . the girls grieved over such a number of ladies , but were comforted the day before the ball by hearing , that instead of twelve he brought only six with him from london  five sisters and a cousin . and when the party entered the assembly room it consisted of only five altogether  . bingley , his two sisters , the husband of the eldest , and another young man . mr . bingley was good looking and gentlemanlike he had a pleasant countenance , and easy , unaffected manners . his sisters were fine women , with an air of decided fashion . his brother in , mr . hurst , merely looked the gentleman but his friend mr . darcy soon drew the attention of the room by his fine , tall person , handsome features , noble mien , and the report which was in general circulation within five minutes after his entrance , of his having ten thousand a year . the gentlemen pronounced him to be a fine figure of a man , the ladies declared he was much handsomer than mr . bingley , and he was looked at with great admiration for about half the evening , till his manners gave a disgust which turned the tide of his popularity for he was discovered to be proud to be above his company , and above being pleased and not all his large estate in derbyshire could then save him from having a most forbidding , disagreeable countenance , and being unworthy to be compared with his friend . mr . bingley had soon made himself acquainted with all the principal people in the room he was lively and unreserved , danced every dance , was angry that the ball closed so early , and talked of giving one himself at netherfield . such amiable qualities must speak for themselves . what a contrast between him and his friend . mr . darcy danced only once with mrs . hurst and once with miss bingley , declined being introduced to any other lady , and spent the rest of the evening in walking about the room , speaking occasionally to one of his own party . his character was decided . he was the proudest , most disagreeable man in the world , and everybody hoped that he would never come there again . amongst the most violent against him was mrs . bennet , whose dislike of his general behaviour was sharpened into particular resentment by his having slighted one of her daughters . elizabeth bennet had been obliged , by the scarcity of gentlemen , to sit down for two dances and during part of that time , mr . darcy had been standing near enough for her to hear a conversation between him and mr . bingley , who came from the dance for a few minutes , to press his friend to join it . come , darcy , said he , i must have you dance . i hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner . you had much better dance . i certainly shall not . you know how i detest it , unless i am particularly acquainted with my partner . at such an assembly as this it would be insupportable . your sisters are engaged , and there is not another woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with . i would not be so fastidious as you are , cried mr . bingley , for a kingdom . upon my honour , i never met with so many pleasant girls in my life as i have this evening and there are several of them you see uncommonly pretty . you are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room , said mr . darcy , looking at the eldest miss bennet . oh . she is the most beautiful creature i ever beheld . but there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you , who is very pretty , and i dare say very agreeable . do let me ask my partner to introduce you . which do you mean . and turning round he looked for a moment at elizabeth , till catching her eye , he withdrew his own and coldly said she is tolerable , but not handsome enough to tempt me i am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men . you had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles , for you are wasting your time with me . mr . bingley followed his advice . mr . darcy walked off and elizabeth remained with no very cordial feelings toward him . she told the story , however , with great spirit among her friends for she had a lively , playful disposition , which delighted in anything ridiculous . the evening altogether passed off pleasantly to the whole family . mrs . bennet had seen her eldest daughter much admired by the netherfield party . mr . bingley had danced with her twice , and she had been distinguished by his sisters . jane was as much gratified by this as her mother could be , though in a quieter way . elizabeth felt janes pleasure . mary had heard herself mentioned to miss bingley as the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood and catherine and lydia had been fortunate enough never to be without partners , which was all that they had yet learnt to care for at a ball . they returned , therefore , in good spirits to longbourn , the village where they lived , and of which they were the principal inhabitants . they found mr . bennet still up . with a book he was regardless of time and on the present occasion he had a good deal of curiosity as to the event of an evening which had raised such splendid expectations . he had rather hoped that his wifes views on the stranger would be disappointed but he soon found out that he had a different story to hear . oh . my dear mr . bennet , as she entered the room , we have had a most delightful evening , a most excellent ball . i wish you had been there . jane was so admired , nothing could be like it . everybody said how well she looked and mr . bingley thought her quite beautiful , and danced with her twice . only think of that , my dear he actually danced with her twice . and she was the only creature in the room that he asked a second time . first of all , he asked miss lucas . i was so vexed to see him stand up with her . but , however , he did not admire her at all indeed , nobody can , you know and he seemed quite struck with jane as she was going down the dance . so he inquired who she was , and got introduced , and asked her for the two next . then the two third he danced with miss king , and the two fourth with maria lucas , and the two fifth with jane again , and the two sixth with lizzy , and the boulanger  if he had any compassion for me , cried her husband impatiently , he would not have danced half so much . for gods sake , say no more of his partners . oh that he had sprained his ankle in the first dance . oh . my dear , i am quite delighted with him . he is so excessively handsome . and his sisters are charming women . i never in my life saw anything more elegant than their dresses . i dare say the lace upon mrs . hursts gown  here she was interrupted again . mr . bennet protested against any description of finery . she was therefore obliged to seek another branch of the subject , and related , with much bitterness of spirit and some exaggeration , the shocking rudeness of mr . darcy . but i can assure you , she added , that lizzy does not lose much by not suiting his fancy for he is a most disagreeable , horrid man , not at all worth pleasing . so high and so conceited that there was no enduring him . he walked here , and he walked there , fancying himself so very great . not handsome enough to dance with . i wish you had been there , my dear , to have given him one of your set downs . i quite detest the man . chapter when jane and elizabeth were alone , the former , who had been cautious in her praise of mr . bingley before , expressed to her sister just how very much she admired him . he is just what a young man ought to be , said she , sensible , good humoured, , lively and i never saw such happy manners . much ease , with such perfect good breeding . he is also handsome , replied elizabeth , which a young man ought likewise to be , if he possibly can . his character is thereby complete . i was very much flattered by his asking me to dance a second time . i did not expect such a compliment . did not you . i did for you . but that is one great difference between us . compliments always take you by surprise , and me never . what could be more natural than his asking you again . he could not help seeing that you were about five times as pretty as every other woman in the room . no thanks to his gallantry for that . well , he certainly is very agreeable , and i give you leave to like him . you have liked many a stupider person . dear lizzy . oh . you are a great deal too apt , you know , to like people in general . you never see a fault in anybody . all the world are good and agreeable in your eyes . i never heard you speak ill of a human being in your life . i would not wish to be hasty in censuring anyone but i always speak what i think . i know you do and it is that which makes the wonder . with your good sense , to be so honestly blind to the follies and nonsense of others . affectation of candour is common enough  meets with it everywhere . but to be candid without ostentation or design  take the good of everybodys character and make it still better , and say nothing of the bad  to you alone . and so you like this mans sisters , too , do you . their manners are not equal to his . certainly not  first . but they are very pleasing women when you converse with them . miss bingley is to live with her brother , and keep his house and i am much mistaken if we shall not find a very charming neighbour in her . elizabeth listened in silence , but was not convinced their behaviour at the assembly had not been calculated to please in general and with more quickness of observation and less pliancy of temper than her sister , and with a judgement too unassailed by any attention to herself , she was very little disposed to approve them . they were in fact very fine ladies not deficient in good humour when they were pleased , nor in the power of making themselves agreeable when they chose it , but proud and conceited . they were rather handsome , had been educated in one of the first private seminaries in town , had a fortune of twenty thousand pounds , were in the habit of spending more than they ought , and of associating with people of rank , and were therefore in every respect entitled to think well of themselves , and meanly of others . they were of a respectable family in the north of england a circumstance more deeply impressed on their memories than that their brothers fortune and their own had been acquired by trade . mr . bingley inherited property to the amount of nearly a hundred thousand pounds from his father , who had intended to purchase an estate , but did not live to do it . mr . bingley intended it likewise , and sometimes made choice of his county but as he was now provided with a good house and the liberty of a manor , it was doubtful to many of those who best knew the easiness of his temper , whether he might not spend the remainder of his days at netherfield , and leave the next generation to purchase . his sisters were anxious for his having an estate of his own but , though he was now only established as a tenant , miss bingley was by no means unwilling to preside at his table  was mrs . hurst , who had married a man of more fashion than fortune , less disposed to consider his house as her home when it suited her . mr . bingley had not been of age two years , when he was tempted by an accidental recommendation to look at netherfield house . he did look at it , and into it for half an pleased with the situation and the principal rooms , satisfied with what the owner said in its praise , and took it immediately . between him and darcy there was a very steady friendship , in spite of great opposition of character . bingley was endeared to darcy by the easiness , openness , and ductility of his temper , though no disposition could offer a greater contrast to his own , and though with his own he never appeared dissatisfied . on the strength of darcys regard , bingley had the firmest reliance , and of his judgement the highest opinion . in understanding , darcy was the superior . bingley was by no means deficient , but darcy was clever . he was at the same time haughty , reserved , and fastidious , and his manners , though well bred, , were not inviting . in that respect his friend had greatly the advantage . bingley was sure of being liked wherever he appeared , darcy was continually giving offense . the manner in which they spoke of the meryton assembly was sufficiently characteristic . bingley had never met with more pleasant people or prettier girls in his life everybody had been most kind and attentive to him there had been no formality , no stiffness he had soon felt acquainted with all the room and , as to miss bennet , he could not conceive an angel more beautiful . darcy , on the contrary , had seen a collection of people in whom there was little beauty and no fashion , for none of whom he had felt the smallest interest , and from none received either attention or pleasure . miss bennet he acknowledged to be pretty , but she smiled too much . mrs . hurst and her sister allowed it to be so  still they admired her and liked her , and pronounced her to be a sweet girl , and one whom they would not object to know more of . miss bennet was therefore established as a sweet girl , and their brother felt authorized by such commendation to think of her as he chose . chapter within a short walk of longbourn lived a family with whom the bennets were particularly intimate . sir william lucas had been formerly in trade in meryton , where he had made a tolerable fortune , and risen to the honour of knighthood by an address to the king during his mayoralty . the distinction had perhaps been felt too strongly . it had given him a disgust to his business , and to his residence in a small market town and , in quitting them both , he had removed with his family to a house about a mile from meryton , denominated from that period lucas lodge , where he could think with pleasure of his own importance , and , unshackled by business , occupy himself solely in being civil to all the world . for , though elated by his rank , it did not render him supercilious on the contrary , he was all attention to everybody . by nature inoffensive , friendly , and obliging , his presentation at st . jamess had made him courteous . lady lucas was a very good kind of woman , not too clever to be a valuable neighbour to mrs . bennet . they had several children . the eldest of them , a sensible , intelligent young woman , about twenty seven, , was elizabeths intimate friend . that the miss lucases and the miss bennets should meet to talk over a ball was absolutely necessary and the morning after the assembly brought the former to longbourn to hear and to communicate . you began the evening well , charlotte , said mrs . bennet with civil self command to miss lucas . you were mr . bingleys first choice . yes but he seemed to like his second better . oh . you mean jane , i suppose , because he danced with her twice . to be sure that did seem as if he admired her  i rather believe he did  heard something about it  i hardly know what  about mr . robinson . perhaps you mean what i overheard between him and mr . robinson did not i mention it to you . mr . robinsons asking him how he liked our meryton assemblies , and whether he did not think there were a great many pretty women in the room , and which he thought the prettiest . and his answering immediately to the last question oh . the eldest miss bennet , beyond a doubt there cannot be two opinions on that point . upon my word . well , that is very decided indeed  does seem as if  , however , it may all come to nothing , you know . my overhearings were more to the purpose than yours , eliza , said charlotte . mr . darcy is not so well worth listening to as his friend , is he . eliza . be only just tolerable . i beg you would not put it into lizzys head to be vexed by his ill treatment, , for he is such a disagreeable man , that it would be quite a misfortune to be liked by him . mrs . long told me last night that he sat close to her for half an without once opening his lips . are you quite sure , maam . not there a little mistake . said jane . i certainly saw mr . darcy speaking to her . aye  she asked him at last how he liked netherfield , and he could not help answering her but she said he seemed quite angry at being spoke to . miss bingley told me , said jane , that he never speaks much , unless among his intimate acquaintances . with them he is remarkably agreeable . i do not believe a word of it , my dear . if he had been so very agreeable , he would have talked to mrs . long . but i can guess how it was everybody says that he is eat up with pride , and i dare say he had heard somehow that mrs . long does not keep a carriage , and had come to the ball in a hack chaise . i do not mind his not talking to mrs . long , said miss lucas , but i wish he had danced with eliza . another time , lizzy , said her mother , i would not dance with him , if i were you . i believe , maam , i may safely promise you never to dance with him . his pride , said miss lucas , does not offend me so much as pride often does , because there is an excuse for it . one cannot wonder that so very fine a young man , with family , fortune , everything in his favour , should think highly of himself . if i may so express it , he has a right to be proud . that is very true , replied elizabeth , and i could easily forgive his pride , if he had not mortified mine . pride , observed mary , who piqued herself upon the solidity of her reflections , is a very common failing , i believe . by all that i have ever read , i am convinced that it is very common indeed that human nature is particularly prone to it , and that there are very few of us who do not cherish a feeling of self complacency on the score of some quality or other , real or imaginary . vanity and pride are different things , though the words are often used synonymously . a person may be proud without being vain . pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves , vanity to what we would have others think of us . if i were as rich as mr . darcy , cried a young lucas , who came with his sisters , i should not care how proud i was . i would keep a pack of foxhounds , and drink a bottle of wine a day . then you would drink a great deal more than you ought , said mrs . bennet and if i were to see you at it , i should take away your bottle directly . the boy protested that she should not she continued to declare that she would , and the argument ended only with the visit . chapter the ladies of longbourn soon waited on those of netherfield . the visit was soon returned in due form . miss bennets pleasing manners grew on the goodwill of mrs . hurst and miss bingley and though the mother was found to be intolerable , and the younger sisters not worth speaking to , a wish of being better acquainted with them was expressed towards the two eldest . by jane , this attention was received with the greatest pleasure , but elizabeth still saw superciliousness in their treatment of everybody , hardly excepting even her sister , and could not like them though their kindness to jane , such as it was , had a value as arising in all probability from the influence of their brothers admiration . it was generally evident whenever they met , that he did admire her and to her it was equally evident that jane was yielding to the preference which she had begun to entertain for him from the first , and was in a way to be very much in love but she considered with pleasure that it was not likely to be discovered by the world in general , since jane united , with great strength of feeling , a composure of temper and a uniform cheerfulness of manner which would guard her from the suspicions of the impertinent . she mentioned this to her friend miss lucas . it may perhaps be pleasant , replied charlotte , to be able to impose on the public in such a case but it is sometimes a disadvantage to be so very guarded . if a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it , she may lose the opportunity of fixing him and it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in the dark . there is so much of gratitude or vanity in almost every attachment , that it is not safe to leave any to itself . we can all begin freely  slight preference is natural enough but there are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement . in nine cases out of ten a women had better show more affection than she feels . bingley likes your sister undoubtedly but he may never do more than like her , if she does not help him on . but she does help him on , as much as her nature will allow . if i can perceive her regard for him , he must be a simpleton , indeed , not to discover it too . remember , eliza , that he does not know janes disposition as you do . but if a woman is partial to a man , and does not endeavour to conceal it , he must find it out . perhaps he must , if he sees enough of her . but , though bingley and jane meet tolerably often , it is never for many hours together and , as they always see each other in large mixed parties , it is impossible that every moment should be employed in conversing together . jane should therefore make the most of every half hour in which she can command his attention . when she is secure of him , there will be more leisure for falling in love as much as she chooses . your plan is a good one , replied elizabeth , where nothing is in question but the desire of being well married , and if i were determined to get a rich husband , or any husband , i dare say i should adopt it . but these are not janes feelings she is not acting by design . as yet , she cannot even be certain of the degree of her own regard nor of its reasonableness . she has known him only a fortnight . she danced four dances with him at meryton she saw him one morning at his own house , and has since dined with him in company four times . this is not quite enough to make her understand his character . not as you represent it . had she merely dined with him , she might only have discovered whether he had a good appetite but you must remember that four evenings have also been spent together  four evenings may do a great deal . yes these four evenings have enabled them to ascertain that they both like vingt un better than commerce but with respect to any other leading characteristic , i do not imagine that much has been unfolded . well , said charlotte , i wish jane success with all my heart and if she were married to him to morrow, , i should think she had as good a chance of happiness as if she were to be studying his character for a twelvemonth . happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance . if the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other or ever so similar beforehand , it does not advance their felicity in the least . they always continue to grow sufficiently unlike afterwards to have their share of vexation and it is better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are to pass your life . you make me laugh , charlotte but it is not sound . you know it is not sound , and that you would never act in this way yourself . occupied in observing mr . bingleys attentions to her sister , elizabeth was far from suspecting that she was herself becoming an object of some interest in the eyes of his friend . mr . darcy had at first scarcely allowed her to be pretty he had looked at her without admiration at the ball and when they next met , he looked at her only to criticise . but no sooner had he made it clear to himself and his friends that she hardly had a good feature in her face , than he began to find it was rendered uncommonly intelligent by the beautiful expression of her dark eyes . to this discovery succeeded some others equally mortifying . though he had detected with a critical eye more than one failure of perfect symmetry in her form , he was forced to acknowledge her figure to be light and pleasing and in spite of his asserting that her manners were not those of the fashionable world , he was caught by their easy playfulness . of this she was perfectly unaware to her he was only the man who made himself agreeable nowhere , and who had not thought her handsome enough to dance with . he began to wish to know more of her , and as a step towards conversing with her himself , attended to her conversation with others . his doing so drew her notice . it was at sir william lucass , where a large party were assembled . what does mr . darcy mean , said she to charlotte , by listening to my conversation with colonel forster . that is a question which mr . darcy only can answer . but if he does it any more i shall certainly let him know that i see what he is about . he has a very satirical eye , and if i do not begin by being impertinent myself , i shall soon grow afraid of him . on his approaching them soon afterwards , though without seeming to have any intention of speaking , miss lucas defied her friend to mention such a subject to him which immediately provoking elizabeth to do it , she turned to him and said did you not think , mr . darcy , that i expressed myself uncommonly well just now , when i was teasing colonel forster to give us a ball at meryton . with great energy but it is always a subject which makes a lady energetic . you are severe on us . it will be her turn soon to be teased , said miss lucas . i am going to open the instrument , eliza , and you know what follows . you are a very strange creature by way of a friend . wanting me to play and sing before anybody and everybody . if my vanity had taken a musical turn , you would have been invaluable but as it is , i would really rather not sit down before those who must be in the habit of hearing the very best performers . on miss lucass persevering , however , she added , very well , if it must be so , it must . and gravely glancing at mr . darcy , there is a fine old saying , which everybody here is of course familiar with keep your breath to cool your porridge and i shall keep mine to swell my song . her performance was pleasing , though by no means capital . after a song or two , and before she could reply to the entreaties of several that she would sing again , she was eagerly succeeded at the instrument by her sister mary , who having , in consequence of being the only plain one in the family , worked hard for knowledge and accomplishments , was always impatient for display . mary had neither genius nor taste and though vanity had given her application , it had given her likewise a pedantic air and conceited manner , which would have injured a higher degree of excellence than she had reached . elizabeth , easy and unaffected , had been listened to with much more pleasure , though not playing half so well and mary , at the end of a long concerto , was glad to purchase praise and gratitude by scotch and irish airs , at the request of her younger sisters , who , with some of the lucases , and two or three officers , joined eagerly in dancing at one end of the room . mr . darcy stood near them in silent indignation at such a mode of passing the evening , to the exclusion of all conversation , and was too much engrossed by his thoughts to perceive that sir william lucas was his neighbour , till sir william thus began what a charming amusement for young people this is , mr . darcy . there is nothing like dancing after all . i consider it as one of the first refinements of polished society . certainly , sir and it has the advantage also of being in vogue amongst the less polished societies of the world . every savage can dance . sir william only smiled . your friend performs delightfully , he continued after a pause , on seeing bingley join the group and i doubt not that you are an adept in the science yourself , mr . darcy . you saw me dance at meryton , i believe , sir . yes , indeed , and received no inconsiderable pleasure from the sight . do you often dance at st . jamess . never , sir . do you not think it would be a proper compliment to the place . it is a compliment which i never pay to any place if i can avoid it . you have a house in town , i conclude . mr . darcy bowed . i had once had some thought of fixing in town myself  i am fond of superior society but i did not feel quite certain that the air of london would agree with lady lucas . he paused in hopes of an answer but his companion was not disposed to make any and elizabeth at that instant moving towards them , he was struck with the action of doing a very gallant thing , and called out to her my dear miss eliza , why are you not dancing . mr . darcy , you must allow me to present this young lady to you as a very desirable partner . you cannot refuse to dance , i am sure when so much beauty is before you . and , taking her hand , he would have given it to mr . darcy who , though extremely surprised , was not unwilling to receive it , when she instantly drew back , and said with some discomposure to sir william indeed , sir , i have not the least intention of dancing . i entreat you not to suppose that i moved this way in order to beg for a partner . mr . darcy , with grave propriety , requested to be allowed the honour of her hand , but in vain . elizabeth was determined nor did sir william at all shake her purpose by his attempt at persuasion . you excel so much in the dance , miss eliza , that it is cruel to deny me the happiness of seeing you and though this gentleman dislikes the amusement in general , he can have no objection , i am sure , to oblige us for one half hour . mr . darcy is all politeness , said elizabeth , smiling . he is , indeed but , considering the inducement , my dear miss eliza , we cannot wonder at his complaisance  who would object to such a partner . elizabeth looked archly , and turned away . her resistance had not injured her with the gentleman , and he was thinking of her with some complacency , when thus accosted by miss bingley i can guess the subject of your reverie . i should imagine not . you are considering how insupportable it would be to pass many evenings in this manner  such society and indeed i am quite of your opinion . i was never more annoyed . the insipidity , and yet the noise  nothingness , and yet the self importance of all those people . what would i give to hear your strictures on them . your conjecture is totally wrong , i assure you . my mind was more agreeably engaged . i have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow . miss bingley immediately fixed her eyes on his face , and desired he would tell her what lady had the credit of inspiring such reflections . mr . darcy replied with great intrepidity miss elizabeth bennet . miss elizabeth bennet . repeated miss bingley . i am all astonishment . how long has she been such a favourite . pray , when am i to wish you joy . that is exactly the question which i expected you to ask . a ladys imagination is very rapid it jumps from admiration to love , from love to matrimony , in a moment . i knew you would be wishing me joy . nay , if you are serious about it , i shall consider the matter is absolutely settled . you will be having a charming mother in , indeed and , of course , she will always be at pemberley with you . he listened to her with perfect indifference while she chose to entertain herself in this manner and as his composure convinced her that all was safe , her wit flowed long . chapter mr . bennets property consisted almost entirely in an estate of two thousand a year , which , unfortunately for his daughters , was entailed , in default of heirs male , on a distant relation and their mothers fortune , though ample for her situation in life , could but ill supply the deficiency of his . her father had been an attorney in meryton , and had left her four thousand pounds . she had a sister married to a mr . phillips , who had been a clerk to their father and succeeded him in the business , and a brother settled in london in a respectable line of trade . the village of longbourn was only one mile from meryton a most convenient distance for the young ladies , who were usually tempted thither three or four times a week , to pay their duty to their aunt and to a milliners shop just over the way . the two youngest of the family , catherine and lydia , were particularly frequent in these attentions their minds were more vacant than their sisters , and when nothing better offered , a walk to meryton was necessary to amuse their morning hours and furnish conversation for the evening and however bare of news the country in general might be , they always contrived to learn some from their aunt . at present , indeed , they were well supplied both with news and happiness by the recent arrival of a militia regiment in the neighbourhood it was to remain the whole winter , and meryton was the headquarters . their visits to mrs . phillips were now productive of the most interesting intelligence . every day added something to their knowledge of the officers names and connections . their lodgings were not long a secret , and at length they began to know the officers themselves . mr . phillips visited them all , and this opened to his nieces a store of felicity unknown before . they could talk of nothing but officers and mr . bingleys large fortune , the mention of which gave animation to their mother , was worthless in their eyes when opposed to the regimentals of an ensign . after listening one morning to their effusions on this subject , mr . bennet coolly observed from all that i can collect by your manner of talking , you must be two of the silliest girls in the country . i have suspected it some time , but i am now convinced . catherine was disconcerted , and made no answer but lydia , with perfect indifference , continued to express her admiration of captain carter , and her hope of seeing him in the course of the day , as he was going the next morning to london . i am astonished , my dear , said mrs . bennet , that you should be so ready to think your own children silly . if i wished to think slightingly of anybodys children , it should not be of my own , however . if my children are silly , i must hope to be always sensible of it . yes  as it happens , they are all of them very clever . this is the only point , i flatter myself , on which we do not agree . i had hoped that our sentiments coincided in every particular , but i must so far differ from you as to think our two youngest daughters uncommonly foolish . my dear mr . bennet , you must not expect such girls to have the sense of their father and mother . when they get to our age , i dare say they will not think about officers any more than we do . i remember the time when i liked a red coat myself very well  , indeed , so i do still at my heart and if a smart young colonel , with five or six thousand a year , should want one of my girls i shall not say nay to him and i thought colonel forster looked very becoming the other night at sir williams in his regimentals . mamma , cried lydia , my aunt says that colonel forster and captain carter do not go so often to miss watsons as they did when they first came she sees them now very often standing in clarkes library . mrs . bennet was prevented replying by the entrance of the footman with a note for miss bennet it came from netherfield , and the servant waited for an answer . mrs . bennets eyes sparkled with pleasure , and she was eagerly calling out , while her daughter read , well , jane , who is it from . what is it about . what does he say . well , jane , make haste and tell us make haste , my love . it is from miss bingley , said jane , and then read it aloud . my dear friend  , if you are not so compassionate as to dine to day with louisa and me , we shall be in danger of hating each other for the rest of our lives , for a whole days tete a between two women can never end without a quarrel . come as soon as you can on receipt of this . my brother and the gentlemen are to dine with the officers . ever , caroline bingley with the officers . cried lydia . i wonder my aunt did not tell us of that . dining out , said mrs . bennet , that is very unlucky . can i have the carriage . said jane . no , my dear , you had better go on horseback , because it seems likely to rain and then you must stay all night . that would be a good scheme , said elizabeth , if you were sure that they would not offer to send her home . oh . but the gentlemen will have mr . bingleys chaise to go to meryton , and the hursts have no horses to theirs . i had much rather go in the coach . but , my dear , your father cannot spare the horses , i am sure . they are wanted in the farm , mr . bennet , are they not . they are wanted in the farm much oftener than i can get them . but if you have got them to day, , said elizabeth , my mothers purpose will be answered . she did at last extort from her father an acknowledgment that the horses were engaged . jane was therefore obliged to go on horseback , and her mother attended her to the door with many cheerful prognostics of a bad day . her hopes were answered jane had not been gone long before it rained hard . her sisters were uneasy for her , but her mother was delighted . the rain continued the whole evening without intermission jane certainly could not come back . this was a lucky idea of mine , indeed . said mrs . bennet more than once , as if the credit of making it rain were all her own . till the next morning , however , she was not aware of all the felicity of her contrivance . breakfast was scarcely over when a servant from netherfield brought the following note for elizabeth my dearest lizzy  , i find myself very unwell this morning , which , i suppose , is to be imputed to my getting wet through yesterday . my kind friends will not hear of my returning till i am better . they insist also on my seeing mr . jones  do not be alarmed if you should hear of his having been to me  , excepting a sore throat and headache , there is not much the matter with me . etc . well , my dear , said mr . bennet , when elizabeth had read the note aloud , if your daughter should have a dangerous fit of illness  she should die , it would be a comfort to know that it was all in pursuit of mr . bingley , and under your orders . oh . i am not afraid of her dying . people do not die of little trifling colds . she will be taken good care of . as long as she stays there , it is all very well . i would go and see her if i could have the carriage . elizabeth , feeling really anxious , was determined to go to her , though the carriage was not to be had and as she was no horsewoman , walking was her only alternative . she declared her resolution . how can you be so silly , cried her mother , as to think of such a thing , in all this dirt . you will not be fit to be seen when you get there . i shall be very fit to see jane  is all i want . is this a hint to me , lizzy , said her father , to send for the horses . no , indeed , i do not wish to avoid the walk . the distance is nothing when one has a motive only three miles . i shall be back by dinner . i admire the activity of your benevolence , observed mary , but every impulse of feeling should be guided by reason and , in my opinion , exertion should always be in proportion to what is required . we will go as far as meryton with you , said catherine and lydia . elizabeth accepted their company , and the three young ladies set off together . if we make haste , said lydia , as they walked along , perhaps we may see something of captain carter before he goes . in meryton they parted the two youngest repaired to the lodgings of one of the officers wives , and elizabeth continued her walk alone , crossing field after field at a quick pace , jumping over stiles and springing over puddles with impatient activity , and finding herself at last within view of the house , with weary ankles , dirty stockings , and a face glowing with the warmth of exercise . she was shown into the breakfast parlour, , where all but jane were assembled , and where her appearance created a great deal of surprise . that she should have walked three miles so early in the day , in such dirty weather , and by herself , was almost incredible to mrs . hurst and miss bingley and elizabeth was convinced that they held her in contempt for it . she was received , however , very politely by them and in their brothers manners there was something better than politeness there was good humour and kindness . mr . darcy said very little , and mr . hurst nothing at all . the former was divided between admiration of the brilliancy which exercise had given to her complexion , and doubt as to the occasions justifying her coming so far alone . the latter was thinking only of his breakfast . her inquiries after her sister were not very favourably answered . miss bennet had slept ill , and though up , was very feverish , and not well enough to leave her room . elizabeth was glad to be taken to her immediately and jane , who had only been withheld by the fear of giving alarm or inconvenience from expressing in her note how much she longed for such a visit , was delighted at her entrance . she was not equal , however , to much conversation , and when miss bingley left them together , could attempt little besides expressions of gratitude for the extraordinary kindness she was treated with . elizabeth silently attended her . when breakfast was over they were joined by the sisters and elizabeth began to like them herself , when she saw how much affection and solicitude they showed for jane . the apothecary came , and having examined his patient , said , as might be supposed , that she had caught a violent cold , and that they must endeavour to get the better of it advised her to return to bed , and promised her some draughts . the advice was followed readily , for the feverish symptoms increased , and her head ached acutely . elizabeth did not quit her room for a moment nor were the other ladies often absent the gentlemen being out , they had , in fact , nothing to do elsewhere . when the clock struck three , elizabeth felt that she must go , and very unwillingly said so . miss bingley offered her the carriage , and she only wanted a little pressing to accept it , when jane testified such concern in parting with her , that miss bingley was obliged to convert the offer of the chaise to an invitation to remain at netherfield for the present . elizabeth most thankfully consented , and a servant was dispatched to longbourn to acquaint the family with her stay and bring back a supply of clothes . chapter at five oclock the two ladies retired to dress , and at half past six elizabeth was summoned to dinner . to the civil inquiries which then poured in , and amongst which she had the pleasure of distinguishing the much superior solicitude of mr . bingleys , she could not make a very favourable answer . jane was by no means better . the sisters , on hearing this , repeated three or four times how much they were grieved , how shocking it was to have a bad cold , and how excessively they disliked being ill themselves and then thought no more of the matter and their indifference towards jane when not immediately before them restored elizabeth to the enjoyment of all her former dislike . their brother , indeed , was the only one of the party whom she could regard with any complacency . his anxiety for jane was evident , and his attentions to herself most pleasing , and they prevented her feeling herself so much an intruder as she believed she was considered by the others . she had very little notice from any but him . miss bingley was engrossed by mr . darcy , her sister scarcely less so and as for mr . hurst , by whom elizabeth sat , he was an indolent man , who lived only to eat , drink , and play at cards who , when he found her to prefer a plain dish to a ragout , had nothing to say to her . when dinner was over , she returned directly to jane , and miss bingley began abusing her as soon as she was out of the room . her manners were pronounced to be very bad indeed , a mixture of pride and impertinence she had no conversation , no style , no beauty . mrs . hurst thought the same , and added she has nothing , in short , to recommend her , but being an excellent walker . i shall never forget her appearance this morning . she really looked almost wild . she did , indeed , louisa . i could hardly keep my countenance . very nonsensical to come at all . why must she be scampering about the country , because her sister had a cold . her hair , so untidy , so blowsy . yes , and her petticoat i hope you saw her petticoat , six inches deep in mud , i am absolutely certain and the gown which had been let down to hide it not doing its office . your picture may be very exact , louisa , said bingley but this was all lost upon me . i thought miss elizabeth bennet looked remarkably well when she came into the room this morning . her dirty petticoat quite escaped my notice . you observed it , mr . darcy , i am sure , said miss bingley and i am inclined to think that you would not wish to see your sister make such an exhibition . certainly not . to walk three miles , or four miles , or five miles , or whatever it is , above her ankles in dirt , and alone , quite alone . what could she mean by it . it seems to me to show an abominable sort of conceited independence , a most country town indifference to decorum . it shows an affection for her sister that is very pleasing , said bingley . i am afraid , mr . darcy , observed miss bingley in a half whisper , that this adventure has rather affected your admiration of her fine eyes . not at all , he replied they were brightened by the exercise . a short pause followed this speech , and mrs . hurst began again i have an excessive regard for miss jane bennet , she is really a very sweet girl , and i wish with all my heart she were well settled . but with such a father and mother , and such low connections , i am afraid there is no chance of it . i think i have heard you say that their uncle is an attorney in meryton . yes and they have another , who lives somewhere near cheapside . that is capital , added her sister , and they both laughed heartily . if they had uncles enough to fill all cheapside , cried bingley , it would not make them one jot less agreeable . but it must very materially lessen their chance of marrying men of any consideration in the world , replied darcy . to this speech bingley made no answer but his sisters gave it their hearty assent , and indulged their mirth for some time at the expense of their dear friends vulgar relations . with a renewal of tenderness , however , they returned to her room on leaving the dining parlour, , and sat with her till summoned to coffee . she was still very poorly , and elizabeth would not quit her at all , till late in the evening , when she had the comfort of seeing her sleep , and when it seemed to her rather right than pleasant that she should go downstairs herself . on entering the drawing room she found the whole party at loo , and was immediately invited to join them but suspecting them to be playing high she declined it , and making her sister the excuse , said she would amuse herself for the short time she could stay below , with a book . mr . hurst looked at her with astonishment . do you prefer reading to cards . said he that is rather singular . miss eliza bennet , said miss bingley , despises cards . she is a great reader , and has no pleasure in anything else . i deserve neither such praise nor such censure , cried elizabeth i am not a great reader , and i have pleasure in many things . in nursing your sister i am sure you have pleasure , said bingley and i hope it will be soon increased by seeing her quite well . elizabeth thanked him from her heart , and then walked towards the table where a few books were lying . he immediately offered to fetch her others  that his library afforded . and i wish my collection were larger for your benefit and my own credit but i am an idle fellow , and though i have not many , i have more than i ever looked into . elizabeth assured him that she could suit herself perfectly with those in the room . i am astonished , said miss bingley , that my father should have left so small a collection of books . what a delightful library you have at pemberley , mr . darcy . it ought to be good , he replied , it has been the work of many generations . and then you have added so much to it yourself , you are always buying books . i cannot comprehend the neglect of a family library in such days as these . neglect . i am sure you neglect nothing that can add to the beauties of that noble place . charles , when you build your house , i wish it may be half as delightful as pemberley . i wish it may . but i would really advise you to make your purchase in that neighbourhood , and take pemberley for a kind of model . there is not a finer county in england than derbyshire . with all my heart i will buy pemberley itself if darcy will sell it . i am talking of possibilities , charles . upon my word , caroline , i should think it more possible to get pemberley by purchase than by imitation . elizabeth was so much caught with what passed , as to leave her very little attention for her book and soon laying it wholly aside , she drew near the card table, , and stationed herself between mr . bingley and his eldest sister , to observe the game . is miss darcy much grown since the spring . said miss bingley will she be as tall as i am . i think she will . she is now about miss elizabeth bennets height , or rather taller . how i long to see her again . i never met with anybody who delighted me so much . such a countenance , such manners . and so extremely accomplished for her age . her performance on the pianoforte is exquisite . it is amazing to me , said bingley , how young ladies can have patience to be so very accomplished as they all are . all young ladies accomplished . my dear charles , what do you mean . yes , all of them , i think . they all paint tables , cover screens , and net purses . i scarcely know anyone who cannot do all this , and i am sure i never heard a young lady spoken of for the first time , without being informed that she was very accomplished . your list of the common extent of accomplishments , said darcy , has too much truth . the word is applied to many a woman who deserves it no otherwise than by netting a purse or covering a screen . but i am very far from agreeing with you in your estimation of ladies in general . i cannot boast of knowing more than half a , in the whole range of my acquaintance , that are really accomplished . nor i , am sure , said miss bingley . then , observed elizabeth , you must comprehend a great deal in your idea of an accomplished woman . yes , i do comprehend a great deal in it . oh . certainly , cried his faithful assistant , no one can be really esteemed accomplished who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with . a woman must have a thorough knowledge of music , singing , drawing , dancing , and the modern languages , to deserve the word and besides all this , she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking , the tone of her voice , her address and expressions , or the word will be but half deserved . all this she must possess , added darcy , and to all this she must yet add something more substantial , in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading . i am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women . i rather wonder now at your knowing any . are you so severe upon your own sex as to doubt the possibility of all this . i never saw such a woman . i never saw such capacity , and taste , and application , and elegance , as you describe united . mrs . hurst and miss bingley both cried out against the injustice of her implied doubt , and were both protesting that they knew many women who answered this description , when mr . hurst called them to order , with bitter complaints of their inattention to what was going forward . as all conversation was thereby at an end , elizabeth soon afterwards left the room . elizabeth bennet , said miss bingley , when the door was closed on her , is one of those young ladies who seek to recommend themselves to the other sex by undervaluing their own and with many men , i dare say , it succeeds . but , in my opinion , it is a paltry device , a very mean art . undoubtedly , replied darcy , to whom this remark was chiefly addressed , there is a meanness in all the arts which ladies sometimes condescend to employ for captivation . whatever bears affinity to cunning is despicable . miss bingley was not so entirely satisfied with this reply as to continue the subject . elizabeth joined them again only to say that her sister was worse , and that she could not leave her . bingley urged mr . jones being sent for immediately while his sisters , convinced that no country advice could be of any service , recommended an express to town for one of the most eminent physicians . this she would not hear of but she was not so unwilling to comply with their brothers proposal and it was settled that mr . jones should be sent for early in the morning , if miss bennet were not decidedly better . bingley was quite uncomfortable his sisters declared that they were miserable . they solaced their wretchedness , however , by duets after supper , while he could find no better relief to his feelings than by giving his housekeeper directions that every attention might be paid to the sick lady and her sister . chapter elizabeth passed the chief of the night in her sisters room , and in the morning had the pleasure of being able to send a tolerable answer to the inquiries which she very early received from mr . bingley by a housemaid , and some time afterwards from the two elegant ladies who waited on his sisters . in spite of this amendment , however , she requested to have a note sent to longbourn , desiring her mother to visit jane , and form her own judgement of her situation . the note was immediately dispatched , and its contents as quickly complied with . mrs . bennet , accompanied by her two youngest girls , reached netherfield soon after the family breakfast . had she found jane in any apparent danger , mrs . bennet would have been very miserable but being satisfied on seeing her that her illness was not alarming , she had no wish of her recovering immediately , as her restoration to health would probably remove her from netherfield . she would not listen , therefore , to her daughters proposal of being carried home neither did the apothecary , who arrived about the same time , think it at all advisable . after sitting a little while with jane , on miss bingleys appearance and invitation , the mother and three daughters all attended her into the breakfast parlour . bingley met them with hopes that mrs . bennet had not found miss bennet worse than she expected . indeed i have , sir , was her answer . she is a great deal too ill to be moved . mr . jones says we must not think of moving her . we must trespass a little longer on your kindness . removed . cried bingley . it must not be thought of . my sister , i am sure , will not hear of her removal . you may depend upon it , madam , said miss bingley , with cold civility , that miss bennet will receive every possible attention while she remains with us . mrs . bennet was profuse in her acknowledgments . i am sure , she added , if it was not for such good friends i do not know what would become of her , for she is very ill indeed , and suffers a vast deal , though with the greatest patience in the world , which is always the way with her , for she has , without exception , the sweetest temper i have ever met with . i often tell my other girls they are nothing to her . you have a sweet room here , mr . bingley , and a charming prospect over the gravel walk . i do not know a place in the country that is equal to netherfield . you will not think of quitting it in a hurry , i hope , though you have but a short lease . whatever i do is done in a hurry , replied he and therefore if i should resolve to quit netherfield , i should probably be off in five minutes . at present , however , i consider myself as quite fixed here . that is exactly what i should have supposed of you , said elizabeth . you begin to comprehend me , do you . cried he , turning towards her . oh . yes  understand you perfectly . i wish i might take this for a compliment but to be so easily seen through i am afraid is pitiful . that is as it happens . it does not follow that a deep , intricate character is more or less estimable than such a one as yours . lizzy , cried her mother , remember where you are , and do not run on in the wild manner that you are suffered to do at home . i did not know before , continued bingley immediately , that you were a studier of character . it must be an amusing study . yes , but intricate characters are the most amusing . they have at least that advantage . the country , said darcy , can in general supply but a few subjects for such a study . in a country neighbourhood you move in a very confined and unvarying society . but people themselves alter so much , that there is something new to be observed in them for ever . yes , indeed , cried mrs . bennet , offended by his manner of mentioning a country neighbourhood . i assure you there is quite as much of that going on in the country as in town . everybody was surprised , and darcy , after looking at her for a moment , turned silently away . mrs . bennet , who fancied she had gained a complete victory over him , continued her triumph . i cannot see that london has any great advantage over the country , for my part , except the shops and public places . the country is a vast deal pleasanter , is it not , mr . bingley . when i am in the country , he replied , i never wish to leave it and when i am in town it is pretty much the same . they have each their advantages , and i can be equally happy in either . aye  is because you have the right disposition . but that gentleman , looking at darcy , seemed to think the country was nothing at all . indeed , mamma , you are mistaken , said elizabeth , blushing for her mother . you quite mistook mr . darcy . he only meant that there was not such a variety of people to be met with in the country as in the town , which you must acknowledge to be true . certainly , my dear , nobody said there were but as to not meeting with many people in this neighbourhood , i believe there are few neighbourhoods larger . i know we dine with four and families . nothing but concern for elizabeth could enable bingley to keep his countenance . his sister was less delicate , and directed her eyes towards mr . darcy with a very expressive smile . elizabeth , for the sake of saying something that might turn her mothers thoughts , now asked her if charlotte lucas had been at longbourn since her coming away . yes , she called yesterday with her father . what an agreeable man sir william is , mr . bingley , is not he . so much the man of fashion . so genteel and easy . he has always something to say to everybody . that is my idea of good breeding and those persons who fancy themselves very important , and never open their mouths , quite mistake the matter . did charlotte dine with you . no , she would go home . i fancy she was wanted about the mince pies . for my part , mr . bingley , i always keep servants that can do their own work my daughters are brought up very differently . but everybody is to judge for themselves , and the lucases are a very good sort of girls , i assure you . it is a pity they are not handsome . not that i think charlotte so very plain  then she is our particular friend . she seems a very pleasant young woman . oh . dear , yes but you must own she is very plain . lady lucas herself has often said so , and envied me janes beauty . i do not like to boast of my own child , but to be sure , jane  does not often see anybody better looking . it is what everybody says . i do not trust my own partiality . when she was only fifteen , there was a man at my brother gardiners in town so much in love with her that my sister in was sure he would make her an offer before we came away . but , however , he did not . perhaps he thought her too young . however , he wrote some verses on her , and very pretty they were . and so ended his affection , said elizabeth impatiently . there has been many a one , i fancy , overcome in the same way . i wonder who first discovered the efficacy of poetry in driving away love . i have been used to consider poetry as the food of love , said darcy . of a fine , stout , healthy love it may . everything nourishes what is strong already . but if it be only a slight , thin sort of inclination , i am convinced that one good sonnet will starve it entirely away . darcy only smiled and the general pause which ensued made elizabeth tremble lest her mother should be exposing herself again . she longed to speak , but could think of nothing to say and after a short silence mrs . bennet began repeating her thanks to mr . bingley for his kindness to jane , with an apology for troubling him also with lizzy . mr . bingley was unaffectedly civil in his answer , and forced his younger sister to be civil also , and say what the occasion required . she performed her part indeed without much graciousness , but mrs . bennet was satisfied , and soon afterwards ordered her carriage . upon this signal , the youngest of her daughters put herself forward . the two girls had been whispering to each other during the whole visit , and the result of it was , that the youngest should tax mr . bingley with having promised on his first coming into the country to give a ball at netherfield . lydia was a stout , well grown girl of fifteen , with a fine complexion and good humoured countenance a favourite with her mother , whose affection had brought her into public at an early age . she had high animal spirits , and a sort of natural self consequence, , which the attention of the officers , to whom her uncles good dinners , and her own easy manners recommended her , had increased into assurance . she was very equal , therefore , to address mr . bingley on the subject of the ball , and abruptly reminded him of his promise adding , that it would be the most shameful thing in the world if he did not keep it . his answer to this sudden attack was delightful to their mothers ear i am perfectly ready , i assure you , to keep my engagement and when your sister is recovered , you shall , if you please , name the very day of the ball . but you would not wish to be dancing when she is ill . lydia declared herself satisfied . oh . yes  would be much better to wait till jane was well , and by that time most likely captain carter would be at meryton again . and when you have given your ball , she added , i shall insist on their giving one also . i shall tell colonel forster it will be quite a shame if he does not . mrs . bennet and her daughters then departed , and elizabeth returned instantly to jane , leaving her own and her relations behaviour to the remarks of the two ladies and mr . darcy the latter of whom , however , could not be prevailed on to join in their censure of her , in spite of all miss bingleys witticisms on fine eyes . chapter the day passed much as the day before had done . mrs . hurst and miss bingley had spent some hours of the morning with the invalid , who continued , though slowly , to mend and in the evening elizabeth joined their party in the drawing room . the loo table, , however , did not appear . mr . darcy was writing , and miss bingley , seated near him , was watching the progress of his letter and repeatedly calling off his attention by messages to his sister . mr . hurst and mr . bingley were at piquet , and mrs . hurst was observing their game . elizabeth took up some needlework , and was sufficiently amused in attending to what passed between darcy and his companion . the perpetual commendations of the lady , either on his handwriting , or on the evenness of his lines , or on the length of his letter , with the perfect unconcern with which her praises were received , formed a curious dialogue , and was exactly in union with her opinion of each . how delighted miss darcy will be to receive such a letter . he made no answer . you write uncommonly fast . you are mistaken . i write rather slowly . how many letters you must have occasion to write in the course of a year . letters of business , too . how odious i should think them . it is fortunate , then , that they fall to my lot instead of yours . pray tell your sister that i long to see her . i have already told her so once , by your desire . i am afraid you do not like your pen . let me mend it for you . i mend pens remarkably well . thank you  i always mend my own . how can you contrive to write so even . he was silent . tell your sister i am delighted to hear of her improvement on the harp and pray let her know that i am quite in raptures with her beautiful little design for a table , and i think it infinitely superior to miss grantleys . will you give me leave to defer your raptures till i write again . at present i have not room to do them justice . oh . it is of no consequence . i shall see her in january . but do you always write such charming long letters to her , mr . darcy . they are generally long but whether always charming it is not for me to determine . it is a rule with me , that a person who can write a long letter with ease , cannot write ill . that will not do for a compliment to darcy , caroline , cried her brother , because he does not write with ease . he studies too much for words of four syllables . do not you , darcy . my style of writing is very different from yours . oh . cried miss bingley , charles writes in the most careless way imaginable . he leaves out half his words , and blots the rest . my ideas flow so rapidly that i have not time to express them  which means my letters sometimes convey no ideas at all to my correspondents . your humility , mr . bingley , said elizabeth , must disarm reproof . nothing is more deceitful , said darcy , than the appearance of humility . it is often only carelessness of opinion , and sometimes an indirect boast . and which of the two do you call my little recent piece of modesty . the indirect boast for you are really proud of your defects in writing , because you consider them as proceeding from a rapidity of thought and carelessness of execution , which , if not estimable , you think at least highly interesting . the power of doing anything with quickness is always prized much by the possessor , and often without any attention to the imperfection of the performance . when you told mrs . bennet this morning that if you ever resolved upon quitting netherfield you should be gone in five minutes , you meant it to be a sort of panegyric , of compliment to yourself  yet what is there so very laudable in a precipitance which must leave very necessary business undone , and can be of no real advantage to yourself or anyone else . nay , cried bingley , this is too much , to remember at night all the foolish things that were said in the morning . and yet , upon my honour , i believe what i said of myself to be true , and i believe it at this moment . at least , therefore , i did not assume the character of needless precipitance merely to show off before the ladies . i dare say you believed it but i am by no means convinced that you would be gone with such celerity . your conduct would be quite as dependent on chance as that of any man i know and if , as you were mounting your horse , a friend were to say , bingley , you had better stay till next week , you would probably do it , you would probably not go  at another word , might stay a month . you have only proved by this , cried elizabeth , that mr . bingley did not do justice to his own disposition . you have shown him off now much more than he did himself . i am exceedingly gratified , said bingley , by your converting what my friend says into a compliment on the sweetness of my temper . but i am afraid you are giving it a turn which that gentleman did by no means intend for he would certainly think better of me , if under such a circumstance i were to give a flat denial , and ride off as fast as i could . would mr . darcy then consider the rashness of your original intentions as atoned for by your obstinacy in adhering to it . upon my word , i cannot exactly explain the matter darcy must speak for himself . you expect me to account for opinions which you choose to call mine , but which i have never acknowledged . allowing the case , however , to stand according to your representation , you must remember , miss bennet , that the friend who is supposed to desire his return to the house , and the delay of his plan , has merely desired it , asked it without offering one argument in favour of its propriety . to yield readily  the persuasion of a friend is no merit with you . to yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either . you appear to me , mr . darcy , to allow nothing for the influence of friendship and affection . a regard for the requester would often make one readily yield to a request , without waiting for arguments to reason one into it . i am not particularly speaking of such a case as you have supposed about mr . bingley . we may as well wait , perhaps , till the circumstance occurs before we discuss the discretion of his behaviour thereupon . but in general and ordinary cases between friend and friend , where one of them is desired by the other to change a resolution of no very great moment , should you think ill of that person for complying with the desire , without waiting to be argued into it . will it not be advisable , before we proceed on this subject , to arrange with rather more precision the degree of importance which is to appertain to this request , as well as the degree of intimacy subsisting between the parties . by all means , cried bingley let us hear all the particulars , not forgetting their comparative height and size for that will have more weight in the argument , miss bennet , than you may be aware of . i assure you , that if darcy were not such a great tall fellow , in comparison with myself , i should not pay him half so much deference . i declare i do not know a more awful object than darcy , on particular occasions , and in particular places at his own house especially , and of a sunday evening , when he has nothing to do . mr . darcy smiled but elizabeth thought she could perceive that he was rather offended , and therefore checked her laugh . miss bingley warmly resented the indignity he had received , in an expostulation with her brother for talking such nonsense . i see your design , bingley , said his friend . you dislike an argument , and want to silence this . perhaps i do . arguments are too much like disputes . if you and miss bennet will defer yours till i am out of the room , i shall be very thankful and then you may say whatever you like of me . what you ask , said elizabeth , is no sacrifice on my side and mr . darcy had much better finish his letter . mr . darcy took her advice , and did finish his letter . when that business was over , he applied to miss bingley and elizabeth for an indulgence of some music . miss bingley moved with some alacrity to the pianoforte and , after a polite request that elizabeth would lead the way which the other as politely and more earnestly negatived , she seated herself . mrs . hurst sang with her sister , and while they were thus employed , elizabeth could not help observing , as she turned over some music books that lay on the instrument , how frequently mr . darcys eyes were fixed on her . she hardly knew how to suppose that she could be an object of admiration to so great a man and yet that he should look at her because he disliked her , was still more strange . she could only imagine , however , at last that she drew his notice because there was something more wrong and reprehensible , according to his ideas of right , than in any other person present . the supposition did not pain her . she liked him too little to care for his approbation . after playing some italian songs , miss bingley varied the charm by a lively scotch air and soon afterwards mr . darcy , drawing near elizabeth , said to her do not you feel a great inclination , miss bennet , to seize such an opportunity of dancing a reel . she smiled , but made no answer . he repeated the question , with some surprise at her silence . oh . said she , i heard you before , but i could not immediately determine what to say in reply . you wanted me , i know , to say yes , that you might have the pleasure of despising my taste but i always delight in overthrowing those kind of schemes , and cheating a person of their premeditated contempt . i have , therefore , made up my mind to tell you , that i do not want to dance a reel at all  now despise me if you dare . indeed i do not dare . elizabeth , having rather expected to affront him , was amazed at his gallantry but there was a mixture of sweetness and archness in her manner which made it difficult for her to affront anybody and darcy had never been so bewitched by any woman as he was by her . he really believed , that were it not for the inferiority of her connections , he should be in some danger . miss bingley saw , or suspected enough to be jealous and her great anxiety for the recovery of her dear friend jane received some assistance from her desire of getting rid of elizabeth . she often tried to provoke darcy into disliking her guest , by talking of their supposed marriage , and planning his happiness in such an alliance . i hope , said she , as they were walking together in the shrubbery the next day , you will give your mother in a few hints , when this desirable event takes place , as to the advantage of holding her tongue and if you can compass it , do cure the younger girls of running after officers . and , if i may mention so delicate a subject , endeavour to check that little something , bordering on conceit and impertinence , which your lady possesses . have you anything else to propose for my domestic felicity . oh . yes . do let the portraits of your uncle and aunt phillips be placed in the gallery at pemberley . put them next to your great uncle the judge . they are in the same profession , you know , only in different lines . as for your elizabeths picture , you must not have it taken , for what painter could do justice to those beautiful eyes . it would not be easy , indeed , to catch their expression , but their colour and shape , and the eyelashes , so remarkably fine , might be copied . at that moment they were met from another walk by mrs . hurst and elizabeth herself . i did not know that you intended to walk , said miss bingley , in some confusion , lest they had been overheard . you used us abominably ill , answered mrs . hurst , running away without telling us that you were coming out . then taking the disengaged arm of mr . darcy , she left elizabeth to walk by herself . the path just admitted three . mr . darcy felt their rudeness , and immediately said this walk is not wide enough for our party . we had better go into the avenue . but elizabeth , who had not the least inclination to remain with them , laughingly answered no , stay where you are . you are charmingly grouped , and appear to uncommon advantage . the picturesque would be spoilt by admitting a fourth . good bye . she then ran gaily off , rejoicing as she rambled about , in the hope of being at home again in a day or two . jane was already so much recovered as to intend leaving her room for a couple of hours that evening . chapter when the ladies removed after dinner , elizabeth ran up to her sister , and seeing her well guarded from cold , attended her into the drawing room, , where she was welcomed by her two friends with many professions of pleasure and elizabeth had never seen them so agreeable as they were during the hour which passed before the gentlemen appeared . their powers of conversation were considerable . they could describe an entertainment with accuracy , relate an anecdote with humour , and laugh at their acquaintance with spirit . but when the gentlemen entered , jane was no longer the first object miss bingleys eyes were instantly turned toward darcy , and she had something to say to him before he had advanced many steps . he addressed himself to miss bennet , with a polite congratulation mr . hurst also made her a slight bow , and said he was very glad but diffuseness and warmth remained for bingleys salutation . he was full of joy and attention . the first half hour was spent in piling up the fire , lest she should suffer from the change of room and she removed at his desire to the other side of the fireplace , that she might be further from the door . he then sat down by her , and talked scarcely to anyone else . elizabeth , at work in the opposite corner , saw it all with great delight . when tea was over , mr . hurst reminded his sister in of the card table in vain . she had obtained private intelligence that mr . darcy did not wish for cards and mr . hurst soon found even his open petition rejected . she assured him that no one intended to play , and the silence of the whole party on the subject seemed to justify her . mr . hurst had therefore nothing to do , but to stretch himself on one of the sofas and go to sleep . darcy took up a book miss bingley did the same and mrs . hurst , principally occupied in playing with her bracelets and rings , joined now and then in her brothers conversation with miss bennet . miss bingleys attention was quite as much engaged in watching mr . darcys progress through his book , as in reading her own and she was perpetually either making some inquiry , or looking at his page . she could not win him , however , to any conversation he merely answered her question , and read on . at length , quite exhausted by the attempt to be amused with her own book , which she had only chosen because it was the second volume of his , she gave a great yawn and said , how pleasant it is to spend an evening in this way . i declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading . how much sooner one tires of anything than of a book . when i have a house of my own , i shall be miserable if i have not an excellent library . no one made any reply . she then yawned again , threw aside her book , and cast her eyes round the room in quest for some amusement when hearing her brother mentioning a ball to miss bennet , she turned suddenly towards him and said by the bye , charles , are you really serious in meditating a dance at netherfield . i would advise you , before you determine on it , to consult the wishes of the present party i am much mistaken if there are not some among us to whom a ball would be rather a punishment than a pleasure . if you mean darcy , cried her brother , he may go to bed , if he chooses , before it begins  as for the ball , it is quite a settled thing and as soon as nicholls has made white soup enough , i shall send round my cards . i should like balls infinitely better , she replied , if they were carried on in a different manner but there is something insufferably tedious in the usual process of such a meeting . it would surely be much more rational if conversation instead of dancing were made the order of the day . much more rational , my dear caroline , i dare say , but it would not be near so much like a ball . miss bingley made no answer , and soon afterwards she got up and walked about the room . her figure was elegant , and she walked well but darcy , at whom it was all aimed , was still inflexibly studious . in the desperation of her feelings , she resolved on one effort more , and , turning to elizabeth , said miss eliza bennet , let me persuade you to follow my example , and take a turn about the room . i assure you it is very refreshing after sitting so long in one attitude . elizabeth was surprised , but agreed to it immediately . miss bingley succeeded no less in the real object of her civility mr . darcy looked up . he was as much awake to the novelty of attention in that quarter as elizabeth herself could be , and unconsciously closed his book . he was directly invited to join their party , but he declined it , observing that he could imagine but two motives for their choosing to walk up and down the room together , with either of which motives his joining them would interfere . what could he mean . she was dying to know what could be his meaning . asked elizabeth whether she could at all understand him . not at all , was her answer but depend upon it , he means to be severe on us , and our surest way of disappointing him will be to ask nothing about it . miss bingley , however , was incapable of disappointing mr . darcy in anything , and persevered therefore in requiring an explanation of his two motives . i have not the smallest objection to explaining them , said he , as soon as she allowed him to speak . you either choose this method of passing the evening because you are in each others confidence , and have secret affairs to discuss , or because you are conscious that your figures appear to the greatest advantage in walking if the first , i would be completely in your way , and if the second , i can admire you much better as i sit by the fire . oh . shocking . cried miss bingley . i never heard anything so abominable . how shall we punish him for such a speech . nothing so easy , if you have but the inclination , said elizabeth . we can all plague and punish one another . tease him  at him . intimate as you are , you must know how it is to be done . but upon my honour , i do not . i do assure you that my intimacy has not yet taught me that . tease calmness of manner and presence of mind . no , i feel he may defy us there . and as to laughter , we will not expose ourselves , if you please , by attempting to laugh without a subject . mr . darcy may hug himself . mr . darcy is not to be laughed at . cried elizabeth . that is an uncommon advantage , and uncommon i hope it will continue , for it would be a great loss to me to have many such acquaintances . i dearly love a laugh . miss bingley , said he , has given me more credit than can be . the wisest and the best of men  , the wisest and best of their actions  be rendered ridiculous by a person whose first object in life is a joke . certainly , replied elizabeth  are such people , but i hope i am not one of them . i hope i never ridicule what is wise and good . follies and nonsense , whims and inconsistencies , do divert me , i own , and i laugh at them whenever i can . but these , i suppose , are precisely what you are without . perhaps that is not possible for anyone . but it has been the study of my life to avoid those weaknesses which often expose a strong understanding to ridicule . such as vanity and pride . yes , vanity is a weakness indeed . but pride  there is a real superiority of mind , pride will be always under good regulation . elizabeth turned away to hide a smile . your examination of mr . darcy is over , i presume , said miss bingley and pray what is the result . i am perfectly convinced by it that mr . darcy has no defect . he owns it himself without disguise . no , said darcy , i have made no such pretension . i have faults enough , but they are not , i hope , of understanding . my temper i dare not vouch for . it is , i believe , too little yielding  too little for the convenience of the world . i cannot forget the follies and vices of others so soon as i ought , nor their offenses against myself . my feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them . my temper would perhaps be called resentful . my good opinion once lost , is lost forever . that is a failing indeed . cried elizabeth . implacable resentment is a shade in a character . but you have chosen your fault well . i really cannot laugh at it . you are safe from me . there is , i believe , in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil  natural defect , which not even the best education can overcome . and your defect is to hate everybody . and yours , he replied with a smile , is willfully to misunderstand them . do let us have a little music , cried miss bingley , tired of a conversation in which she had no share . louisa , you will not mind my waking mr . hurst . her sister had not the smallest objection , and the pianoforte was opened and darcy , after a few moments recollection , was not sorry for it . he began to feel the danger of paying elizabeth too much attention . chapter in consequence of an agreement between the sisters , elizabeth wrote the next morning to their mother , to beg that the carriage might be sent for them in the course of the day . but mrs . bennet , who had calculated on her daughters remaining at netherfield till the following tuesday , which would exactly finish janes week , could not bring herself to receive them with pleasure before . her answer , therefore , was not propitious , at least not to elizabeths wishes , for she was impatient to get home . mrs . bennet sent them word that they could not possibly have the carriage before tuesday and in her postscript it was added , that if mr . bingley and his sister pressed them to stay longer , she could spare them very well . against staying longer , however , elizabeth was positively resolved  did she much expect it would be asked and fearful , on the contrary , as being considered as intruding themselves needlessly long , she urged jane to borrow mr . bingleys carriage immediately , and at length it was settled that their original design of leaving netherfield that morning should be mentioned , and the request made . the communication excited many professions of concern and enough was said of wishing them to stay at least till the following day to work on jane and till the morrow their going was deferred . miss bingley was then sorry that she had proposed the delay , for her jealousy and dislike of one sister much exceeded her affection for the other . the master of the house heard with real sorrow that they were to go so soon , and repeatedly tried to persuade miss bennet that it would not be safe for her  she was not enough recovered but jane was firm where she felt herself to be right . to mr . darcy it was welcome intelligence  had been at netherfield long enough . she attracted him more than he liked  miss bingley was uncivil to her , and more teasing than usual to himself . he wisely resolved to be particularly careful that no sign of admiration should now escape him , nothing that could elevate her with the hope of influencing his felicity sensible that if such an idea had been suggested , his behaviour during the last day must have material weight in confirming or crushing it . steady to his purpose , he scarcely spoke ten words to her through the whole of saturday , and though they were at one time left by themselves for half an , he adhered most conscientiously to his book , and would not even look at her . on sunday , after morning service , the separation , so agreeable to almost all , took place . miss bingleys civility to elizabeth increased at last very rapidly , as well as her affection for jane and when they parted , after assuring the latter of the pleasure it would always give her to see her either at longbourn or netherfield , and embracing her most tenderly , she even shook hands with the former . elizabeth took leave of the whole party in the liveliest of spirits . they were not welcomed home very cordially by their mother . mrs . bennet wondered at their coming , and thought them very wrong to give so much trouble , and was sure jane would have caught cold again . but their father , though very laconic in his expressions of pleasure , was really glad to see them he had felt their importance in the family circle . the evening conversation , when they were all assembled , had lost much of its animation , and almost all its sense by the absence of jane and elizabeth . they found mary , as usual , deep in the study of thorough bass and human nature and had some extracts to admire , and some new observations of threadbare morality to listen to . catherine and lydia had information for them of a different sort . much had been done and much had been said in the regiment since the preceding wednesday several of the officers had dined lately with their uncle , a private had been flogged , and it had actually been hinted that colonel forster was going to be married . chapter i hope , my dear , said mr . bennet to his wife , as they were at breakfast the next morning , that you have ordered a good dinner to day, , because i have reason to expect an addition to our family party . who do you mean , my dear . i know of nobody that is coming , i am sure , unless charlotte lucas should happen to call in  i hope my dinners are good enough for her . i do not believe she often sees such at home . the person of whom i speak is a gentleman , and a stranger . mrs . bennets eyes sparkled . a gentleman and a stranger . it is mr . bingley , i am sure . well , i am sure i shall be extremely glad to see mr . bingley . but  lord . how unlucky . there is not a bit of fish to be got to day . lydia , my love , ring the bell  must speak to hill this moment . it is not mr . bingley , said her husband it is a person whom i never saw in the whole course of my life . this roused a general astonishment and he had the pleasure of being eagerly questioned by his wife and his five daughters at once . after amusing himself some time with their curiosity , he thus explained about a month ago i received this letter and about a fortnight ago i answered it , for i thought it a case of some delicacy , and requiring early attention . it is from my cousin , mr . collins , who , when i am dead , may turn you all out of this house as soon as he pleases . oh . my dear , cried his wife , i cannot bear to hear that mentioned . pray do not talk of that odious man . i do think it is the hardest thing in the world , that your estate should be entailed away from your own children and i am sure , if i had been you , i should have tried long ago to do something or other about it . jane and elizabeth tried to explain to her the nature of an entail . they had often attempted to do it before , but it was a subject on which mrs . bennet was beyond the reach of reason , and she continued to rail bitterly against the cruelty of settling an estate away from a family of five daughters , in favour of a man whom nobody cared anything about . it certainly is a most iniquitous affair , said mr . bennet , and nothing can clear mr . collins from the guilt of inheriting longbourn . but if you will listen to his letter , you may perhaps be a little softened by his manner of expressing himself . no , that i am sure i shall not and i think it is very impertinent of him to write to you at all , and very hypocritical . i hate such false friends . why could he not keep on quarreling with you , as his father did before him . why , indeed he does seem to have had some filial scruples on that head , as you will hear . hunsford , near westerham , kent , th october . dear sir  , the disagreement subsisting between yourself and my late honoured father always gave me much uneasiness , and since i have had the misfortune to lose him , i have frequently wished to heal the breach but for some time i was kept back by my own doubts , fearing lest it might seem disrespectful to his memory for me to be on good terms with anyone with whom it had always pleased him to be at variance . mrs . bennet . mind , however , is now made up on the subject , for having received ordination at easter , i have been so fortunate as to be distinguished by the patronage of the right honourable lady catherine de bourgh , widow of sir lewis de bourgh , whose bounty and beneficence has preferred me to the valuable rectory of this parish , where it shall be my earnest endeavour to demean myself with grateful respect towards her ladyship , and be ever ready to perform those rites and ceremonies which are instituted by the church of england . as a clergyman , moreover , i feel it my duty to promote and establish the blessing of peace in all families within the reach of my influence and on these grounds i flatter myself that my present overtures are highly commendable , and that the circumstance of my being next in the entail of longbourn estate will be kindly overlooked on your side , and not lead you to reject the offered olive branch . i cannot be otherwise than concerned at being the means of injuring your amiable daughters , and beg leave to apologise for it , as well as to assure you of my readiness to make them every possible amends  of this hereafter . if you should have no objection to receive me into your house , i propose myself the satisfaction of waiting on you and your family , monday , november th , by four oclock , and shall probably trespass on your hospitality till the saturday seennight following , which i can do without any inconvenience , as lady catherine is far from objecting to my occasional absence on a sunday , provided that some other clergyman is engaged to do the duty of the day . remain , dear sir , with respectful compliments to your lady and daughters , your well wisher and friend , william collins at four oclock , therefore , we may expect this peace making gentleman , said mr . bennet , as he folded up the letter . he seems to be a most conscientious and polite young man , upon my word , and i doubt not will prove a valuable acquaintance , especially if lady catherine should be so indulgent as to let him come to us again . there is some sense in what he says about the girls , however , and if he is disposed to make them any amends , i shall not be the person to discourage him . though it is difficult , said jane , to guess in what way he can mean to make us the atonement he thinks our due , the wish is certainly to his credit . elizabeth was chiefly struck by his extraordinary deference for lady catherine , and his kind intention of christening , marrying , and burying his parishioners whenever it were required . he must be an oddity , i think , said she . i cannot make him out . is something very pompous in his style . what can he mean by apologising for being next in the entail . cannot suppose he would help it if he could . he be a sensible man , sir . no , my dear , i think not . i have great hopes of finding him quite the reverse . there is a mixture of servility and self importance in his letter , which promises well . i am impatient to see him . in point of composition , said mary , the letter does not seem defective . the idea of the olive branch perhaps is not wholly new , yet i think it is well expressed . to catherine and lydia , neither the letter nor its writer were in any degree interesting . it was next to impossible that their cousin should come in a scarlet coat , and it was now some weeks since they had received pleasure from the society of a man in any other colour . as for their mother , mr . collinss letter had done away much of her ill will, , and she was preparing to see him with a degree of composure which astonished her husband and daughters . mr . collins was punctual to his time , and was received with great politeness by the whole family . mr . bennet indeed said little but the ladies were ready enough to talk , and mr . collins seemed neither in need of encouragement , nor inclined to be silent himself . he was a tall , heavy looking young man of five and . his air was grave and stately , and his manners were very formal . he had not been long seated before he complimented mrs . bennet on having so fine a family of daughters said he had heard much of their beauty , but that in this instance fame had fallen short of the truth and added , that he did not doubt her seeing them all in due time disposed of in marriage . this gallantry was not much to the taste of some of his hearers but mrs . bennet , who quarreled with no compliments , answered most readily . you are very kind , i am sure and i wish with all my heart it may prove so , for else they will be destitute enough . things are settled so oddly . you allude , perhaps , to the entail of this estate . ah . sir , i do indeed . it is a grievous affair to my poor girls , you must confess . not that i mean to find fault with you , for such things i know are all chance in this world . there is no knowing how estates will go when once they come to be entailed . i am very sensible , madam , of the hardship to my fair cousins , and could say much on the subject , but that i am cautious of appearing forward and precipitate . but i can assure the young ladies that i come prepared to admire them . at present i will not say more but , perhaps , when we are better acquainted  he was interrupted by a summons to dinner and the girls smiled on each other . they were not the only objects of mr . collinss admiration . the hall , the dining room, , and all its furniture , were examined and praised and his commendation of everything would have touched mrs . bennets heart , but for the mortifying supposition of his viewing it all as his own future property . the dinner too in its turn was highly admired and he begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cooking was owing . but he was set right there by mrs . bennet , who assured him with some asperity that they were very well able to keep a good cook , and that her daughters had nothing to do in the kitchen . he begged pardon for having displeased her . in a softened tone she declared herself not at all offended but he continued to apologise for about a quarter of an hour . chapter during dinner , mr . bennet scarcely spoke at all but when the servants were withdrawn , he thought it time to have some conversation with his guest , and therefore started a subject in which he expected him to shine , by observing that he seemed very fortunate in his patroness . lady catherine de bourghs attention to his wishes , and consideration for his comfort , appeared very remarkable . mr . bennet could not have chosen better . mr . collins was eloquent in her praise . the subject elevated him to more than usual solemnity of manner , and with a most important aspect he protested that he had never in his life witnessed such behaviour in a person of rank  affability and condescension , as he had himself experienced from lady catherine . she had been graciously pleased to approve of both of the discourses which he had already had the honour of preaching before her . she had also asked him twice to dine at rosings , and had sent for him only the saturday before , to make up her pool of quadrille in the evening . lady catherine was reckoned proud by many people he knew , but he had never seen anything but affability in her . she had always spoken to him as she would to any other gentleman she made not the smallest objection to his joining in the society of the neighbourhood nor to his leaving the parish occasionally for a week or two , to visit his relations . she had even condescended to advise him to marry as soon as he could , provided he chose with discretion and had once paid him a visit in his humble parsonage , where she had perfectly approved all the alterations he had been making , and had even vouchsafed to suggest some herself  shelves in the closet up stairs . that is all very proper and civil , i am sure , said mrs . bennet , and i dare say she is a very agreeable woman . it is a pity that great ladies in general are not more like her . does she live near you , sir . the garden in which stands my humble abode is separated only by a lane from rosings park , her ladyships residence . i think you said she was a widow , sir . has she any family . she has only one daughter , the heiress of rosings , and of very extensive property . ah . said mrs . bennet , shaking her head , then she is better off than many girls . and what sort of young lady is she . is she handsome . she is a most charming young lady indeed . lady catherine herself says that , in point of true beauty , miss de bourgh is far superior to the handsomest of her sex , because there is that in her features which marks the young lady of distinguished birth . she is unfortunately of a sickly constitution , which has prevented her from making that progress in many accomplishments which she could not have otherwise failed of , as i am informed by the lady who superintended her education , and who still resides with them . but she is perfectly amiable , and often condescends to drive by my humble abode in her little phaeton and ponies . has she been presented . i do not remember her name among the ladies at court . her indifferent state of health unhappily prevents her being in town and by that means , as i told lady catherine one day , has deprived the british court of its brightest ornament . her ladyship seemed pleased with the idea and you may imagine that i am happy on every occasion to offer those little delicate compliments which are always acceptable to ladies . i have more than once observed to lady catherine , that her charming daughter seemed born to be a duchess , and that the most elevated rank , instead of giving her consequence , would be adorned by her . these are the kind of little things which please her ladyship , and it is a sort of attention which i conceive myself peculiarly bound to pay . you judge very properly , said mr . bennet , and it is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy . may i ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment , or are the result of previous study . they arise chiefly from what is passing at the time , and though i sometimes amuse myself with suggesting and arranging such little elegant compliments as may be adapted to ordinary occasions , i always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible . mr . bennets expectations were fully answered . his cousin was as absurd as he had hoped , and he listened to him with the keenest enjoyment , maintaining at the same time the most resolute composure of countenance , and , except in an occasional glance at elizabeth , requiring no partner in his pleasure . by tea time, , however , the dose had been enough , and mr . bennet was glad to take his guest into the drawing room again , and , when tea was over , glad to invite him to read aloud to the ladies . mr . collins readily assented , and a book was produced but , on beholding it for everything announced it to be from a circulating library , he started back , and begging pardon , protested that he never read novels . kitty stared at him , and lydia exclaimed . other books were produced , and after some deliberation he chose fordyces sermons . lydia gaped as he opened the volume , and before he had , with very monotonous solemnity , read three pages , she interrupted him with do you know , mamma , that my uncle phillips talks of turning away richard and if he does , colonel forster will hire him . my aunt told me so herself on saturday . i shall walk to meryton to morrow hear more about it , and to ask when mr . denny comes back from town . lydia was bid by her two eldest sisters to hold her tongue but mr . collins , much offended , laid aside his book , and said i have often observed how little young ladies are interested by books of a serious stamp , though written solely for their benefit . it amazes me , i confess for , certainly , there can be nothing so advantageous to them as instruction . but i will no longer importune my young cousin . then turning to mr . bennet , he offered himself as his antagonist at backgammon . mr . bennet accepted the challenge , observing that he acted very wisely in leaving the girls to their own trifling amusements . mrs . bennet and her daughters apologised most civilly for lydias interruption , and promised that it should not occur again , if he would resume his book but mr . collins , after assuring them that he bore his young cousin no ill will, , and should never resent her behaviour as any affront , seated himself at another table with mr . bennet , and prepared for backgammon . chapter mr . collins was not a sensible man , and the deficiency of nature had been but little assisted by education or society the greatest part of his life having been spent under the guidance of an illiterate and miserly father and though he belonged to one of the universities , he had merely kept the necessary terms , without forming at it any useful acquaintance . the subjection in which his father had brought him up had given him originally great humility of manner but it was now a good deal counteracted by the self conceit of a weak head , living in retirement , and the consequential feelings of early and unexpected prosperity . a fortunate chance had recommended him to lady catherine de bourgh when the living of hunsford was vacant and the respect which he felt for her high rank , and his veneration for her as his patroness , mingling with a very good opinion of himself , of his authority as a clergyman , and his right as a rector , made him altogether a mixture of pride and obsequiousness , self importance and humility . having now a good house and a very sufficient income , he intended to marry and in seeking a reconciliation with the longbourn family he had a wife in view , as he meant to choose one of the daughters , if he found them as handsome and amiable as they were represented by common report . this was his plan of amends  atonement  inheriting their fathers estate and he thought it an excellent one , full of eligibility and suitableness , and excessively generous and disinterested on his own part . his plan did not vary on seeing them . miss bennets lovely face confirmed his views , and established all his strictest notions of what was due to seniority and for the first evening she was his settled choice . the next morning , however , made an alteration for in a quarter of an hours tete a with mrs . bennet before breakfast , a conversation beginning with his parsonage house, , and leading naturally to the avowal of his hopes , that a mistress might be found for it at longbourn , produced from her , amid very complaisant smiles and general encouragement , a caution against the very jane he had fixed on . as to her younger daughters , she could not take upon her to say  could not positively answer  she did not know of any prepossession her eldest daughter , she must just mention  felt it incumbent on her to hint , was likely to be very soon engaged . mr . collins had only to change from jane to elizabeth  it was soon done  while mrs . bennet was stirring the fire . elizabeth , equally next to jane in birth and beauty , succeeded her of course . mrs . bennet treasured up the hint , and trusted that she might soon have two daughters married and the man whom she could not bear to speak of the day before was now high in her good graces . lydias intention of walking to meryton was not forgotten every sister except mary agreed to go with her and mr . collins was to attend them , at the request of mr . bennet , who was most anxious to get rid of him , and have his library to himself for thither mr . collins had followed him after breakfast and there he would continue , nominally engaged with one of the largest folios in the collection , but really talking to mr . bennet , with little cessation , of his house and garden at hunsford . such doings discomposed mr . bennet exceedingly . in his library he had been always sure of leisure and tranquillity and though prepared , as he told elizabeth , to meet with folly and conceit in every other room of the house , he was used to be free from them there his civility , therefore , was most prompt in inviting mr . collins to join his daughters in their walk and mr . collins , being in fact much better fitted for a walker than a reader , was extremely pleased to close his large book , and go . in pompous nothings on his side , and civil assents on that of his cousins , their time passed till they entered meryton . the attention of the younger ones was then no longer to be gained by him . their eyes were immediately wandering up in the street in quest of the officers , and nothing less than a very smart bonnet indeed , or a really new muslin in a shop window , could recall them . but the attention of every lady was soon caught by a young man , whom they had never seen before , of most gentlemanlike appearance , walking with another officer on the other side of the way . the officer was the very mr . denny concerning whose return from london lydia came to inquire , and he bowed as they passed . all were struck with the strangers air , all wondered who he could be and kitty and lydia , determined if possible to find out , led the way across the street , under pretense of wanting something in an opposite shop , and fortunately had just gained the pavement when the two gentlemen , turning back , had reached the same spot . mr . denny addressed them directly , and entreated permission to introduce his friend , mr . wickham , who had returned with him the day before from town , and he was happy to say had accepted a commission in their corps . this was exactly as it should be for the young man wanted only regimentals to make him completely charming . his appearance was greatly in his favour he had all the best part of beauty , a fine countenance , a good figure , and very pleasing address . the introduction was followed up on his side by a happy readiness of conversation  readiness at the same time perfectly correct and unassuming and the whole party were still standing and talking together very agreeably , when the sound of horses drew their notice , and darcy and bingley were seen riding down the street . on distinguishing the ladies of the group , the two gentlemen came directly towards them , and began the usual civilities . bingley was the principal spokesman , and miss bennet the principal object . he was then , he said , on his way to longbourn on purpose to inquire after her . mr . darcy corroborated it with a bow , and was beginning to determine not to fix his eyes on elizabeth , when they were suddenly arrested by the sight of the stranger , and elizabeth happening to see the countenance of both as they looked at each other , was all astonishment at the effect of the meeting . both changed colour , one looked white , the other red . mr . wickham , after a few moments , touched his hat  salutation which mr . darcy just deigned to return . what could be the meaning of it . it was impossible to imagine it was impossible not to long to know . in another minute , mr . bingley , but without seeming to have noticed what passed , took leave and rode on with his friend . mr . denny and mr . wickham walked with the young ladies to the door of mr . phillips house , and then made their bows , in spite of miss lydias pressing entreaties that they should come in , and even in spite of mrs . phillipss throwing up the parlour window and loudly seconding the invitation . mrs . phillips was always glad to see her nieces and the two eldest , from their recent absence , were particularly welcome , and she was eagerly expressing her surprise at their sudden return home , which , as their own carriage had not fetched them , she should have known nothing about , if she had not happened to see mr . joness shop boy in the street , who had told her that they were not to send any more draughts to netherfield because the miss bennets were come away , when her civility was claimed towards mr . collins by janes introduction of him . she received him with her very best politeness , which he returned with as much more , apologising for his intrusion , without any previous acquaintance with her , which he could not help flattering himself , however , might be justified by his relationship to the young ladies who introduced him to her notice . mrs . phillips was quite awed by such an excess of good breeding but her contemplation of one stranger was soon put to an end by exclamations and inquiries about the other of whom , however , she could only tell her nieces what they already knew , that mr . denny had brought him from london , and that he was to have a lieutenants commission in the . she had been watching him the last hour , she said , as he walked up and down the street , and had mr . wickham appeared , kitty and lydia would certainly have continued the occupation , but unluckily no one passed windows now except a few of the officers , who , in comparison with the stranger , were become stupid , disagreeable fellows . some of them were to dine with the phillipses the next day , and their aunt promised to make her husband call on mr . wickham , and give him an invitation also , if the family from longbourn would come in the evening . this was agreed to , and mrs . phillips protested that they would have a nice comfortable noisy game of lottery tickets , and a little bit of hot supper afterwards . the prospect of such delights was very cheering , and they parted in mutual good spirits . mr . collins repeated his apologies in quitting the room , and was assured with unwearying civility that they were perfectly needless . as they walked home , elizabeth related to jane what she had seen pass between the two gentlemen but though jane would have defended either or both , had they appeared to be in the wrong , she could no more explain such behaviour than her sister . mr . collins on his return highly gratified mrs . bennet by admiring mrs . phillipss manners and politeness . he protested that , except lady catherine and her daughter , he had never seen a more elegant woman for she had not only received him with the utmost civility , but even pointedly included him in her invitation for the next evening , although utterly unknown to her before . something , he supposed , might be attributed to his connection with them , but yet he had never met with so much attention in the whole course of his life . chapter as no objection was made to the young peoples engagement with their aunt , and all mr . collinss scruples of leaving mr . and mrs . bennet for a single evening during his visit were most steadily resisted , the coach conveyed him and his five cousins at a suitable hour to meryton and the girls had the pleasure of hearing , as they entered the drawing room, , that mr . wickham had accepted their uncles invitation , and was then in the house . when this information was given , and they had all taken their seats , mr . collins was at leisure to look around him and admire , and he was so much struck with the size and furniture of the apartment , that he declared he might almost have supposed himself in the small summer breakfast parlour at rosings a comparison that did not at first convey much gratification but when mrs . phillips understood from him what rosings was , and who was its proprietor  she had listened to the description of only one of lady catherines drawing rooms, , and found that the chimney piece alone had cost eight hundred pounds , she felt all the force of the compliment , and would hardly have resented a comparison with the housekeepers room . in describing to her all the grandeur of lady catherine and her mansion , with occasional digressions in praise of his own humble abode , and the improvements it was receiving , he was happily employed until the gentlemen joined them and he found in mrs . phillips a very attentive listener , whose opinion of his consequence increased with what she heard , and who was resolving to retail it all among her neighbours as soon as she could . to the girls , who could not listen to their cousin , and who had nothing to do but to wish for an instrument , and examine their own indifferent imitations of china on the mantelpiece , the interval of waiting appeared very long . it was over at last , however . the gentlemen did approach , and when mr . wickham walked into the room , elizabeth felt that she had neither been seeing him before , nor thinking of him since , with the smallest degree of unreasonable admiration . the officers of the were in general a very creditable , gentlemanlike set , and the best of them were of the present party but mr . wickham was as far beyond them all in person , countenance , air , and walk , as they were superior to the broad faced, , stuffy uncle phillips , breathing port wine , who followed them into the room . mr . wickham was the happy man towards whom almost every female eye was turned , and elizabeth was the happy woman by whom he finally seated himself and the agreeable manner in which he immediately fell into conversation , though it was only on its being a wet night , made her feel that the commonest , dullest , most threadbare topic might be rendered interesting by the skill of the speaker . with such rivals for the notice of the fair as mr . wickham and the officers , mr . collins seemed to sink into insignificance to the young ladies he certainly was nothing but he had still at intervals a kind listener in mrs . phillips , and was by her watchfulness , most abundantly supplied with coffee and muffin . when the card tables were placed , he had the opportunity of obliging her in turn , by sitting down to whist . i know little of the game at present , said he , but i shall be glad to improve myself , for in my situation in life  mrs . phillips was very glad for his compliance , but could not wait for his reason . mr . wickham did not play at whist , and with ready delight was he received at the other table between elizabeth and lydia . at first there seemed danger of lydias engrossing him entirely , for she was a most determined talker but being likewise extremely fond of lottery tickets , she soon grew too much interested in the game , too eager in making bets and exclaiming after prizes to have attention for anyone in particular . allowing for the common demands of the game , mr . wickham was therefore at leisure to talk to elizabeth , and she was very willing to hear him , though what she chiefly wished to hear she could not hope to be told  history of his acquaintance with mr . darcy . she dared not even mention that gentleman . her curiosity , however , was unexpectedly relieved . mr . wickham began the subject himself . he inquired how far netherfield was from meryton and , after receiving her answer , asked in a hesitating manner how long mr . darcy had been staying there . about a month , said elizabeth and then , unwilling to let the subject drop , added , he is a man of very large property in derbyshire , i understand . yes , replied mr . wickham his estate there is a noble one . a clear ten thousand per annum . you could not have met with a person more capable of giving you certain information on that head than myself , for i have been connected with his family in a particular manner from my infancy . elizabeth could not but look surprised . you may well be surprised , miss bennet , at such an assertion , after seeing , as you probably might , the very cold manner of our meeting yesterday . are you much acquainted with mr . darcy . as much as i ever wish to be , cried elizabeth very warmly . i have spent four days in the same house with him , and i think him very disagreeable . i have no right to give my opinion , said wickham , as to his being agreeable or otherwise . i am not qualified to form one . i have known him too long and too well to be a fair judge . it is impossible for me to be impartial . but i believe your opinion of him would in general astonish  perhaps you would not express it quite so strongly anywhere else . here you are in your own family . upon my word , i say no more here than i might say in any house in the neighbourhood , except netherfield . he is not at all liked in hertfordshire . everybody is disgusted with his pride . you will not find him more favourably spoken of by anyone . i cannot pretend to be sorry , said wickham , after a short interruption , that he or that any man should not be estimated beyond their deserts but with him i believe it does not often happen . the world is blinded by his fortune and consequence , or frightened by his high and imposing manners , and sees him only as he chooses to be seen . i should take him , even on my slight acquaintance , to be an ill tempered man . wickham only shook his head . i wonder , said he , at the next opportunity of speaking , whether he is likely to be in this country much longer . i do not at all know but i heard nothing of his going away when i was at netherfield . i hope your plans in favour of the will not be affected by his being in the neighbourhood . oh . no  is not for me to be driven away by mr . darcy . if he wishes to avoid seeing me , he must go . we are not on friendly terms , and it always gives me pain to meet him , but i have no reason for avoiding him but what i might proclaim before all the world , a sense of very great ill usage, , and most painful regrets at his being what he is . his father , miss bennet , the late mr . darcy , was one of the best men that ever breathed , and the truest friend i ever had and i can never be in company with this mr . darcy without being grieved to the soul by a thousand tender recollections . his behaviour to myself has been scandalous but i verily believe i could forgive him anything and everything , rather than his disappointing the hopes and disgracing the memory of his father . elizabeth found the interest of the subject increase , and listened with all her heart but the delicacy of it prevented further inquiry . mr . wickham began to speak on more general topics , meryton , the neighbourhood , the society , appearing highly pleased with all that he had yet seen , and speaking of the latter with gentle but very intelligible gallantry . it was the prospect of constant society , and good society , he added , which was my chief inducement to enter the . i knew it to be a most respectable , agreeable corps , and my friend denny tempted me further by his account of their present quarters , and the very great attentions and excellent acquaintances meryton had procured them . society , i own , is necessary to me . i have been a disappointed man , and my spirits will not bear solitude . i must have employment and society . a military life is not what i was intended for , but circumstances have now made it eligible . the church ought to have been my profession  was brought up for the church , and i should at this time have been in possession of a most valuable living , had it pleased the gentleman we were speaking of just now . indeed . yes  late mr . darcy bequeathed me the next presentation of the best living in his gift . he was my godfather , and excessively attached to me . i cannot do justice to his kindness . he meant to provide for me amply , and thought he had done it but when the living fell , it was given elsewhere . good heavens . cried elizabeth but how could that be . how could his will be disregarded . why did you not seek legal redress . there was just such an informality in the terms of the bequest as to give me no hope from law . a man of honour could not have doubted the intention , but mr . darcy chose to doubt it  to treat it as a merely conditional recommendation , and to assert that i had forfeited all claim to it by extravagance , imprudence  short anything or nothing . certain it is , that the living became vacant two years ago , exactly as i was of an age to hold it , and that it was given to another man and no less certain is it , that i cannot accuse myself of having really done anything to deserve to lose it . i have a warm , unguarded temper , and i may have spoken my opinion of him , and to him , too freely . i can recall nothing worse . but the fact is , that we are very different sort of men , and that he hates me . this is quite shocking . he deserves to be publicly disgraced . some time or other he will be  it shall not be by me . till i can forget his father , i can never defy or expose him . elizabeth honoured him for such feelings , and thought him handsomer than ever as he expressed them . but what , said she , after a pause , can have been his motive . what can have induced him to behave so cruelly . a thorough , determined dislike of me  dislike which i cannot but attribute in some measure to jealousy . had the late mr . darcy liked me less , his son might have borne with me better but his fathers uncommon attachment to me irritated him , i believe , very early in life . he had not a temper to bear the sort of competition in which we stood  sort of preference which was often given me . i had not thought mr . darcy so bad as this  i have never liked him . i had not thought so very ill of him . i had supposed him to be despising his fellow creatures in general , but did not suspect him of descending to such malicious revenge , such injustice , such inhumanity as this . after a few minutes reflection , however , she continued , i do remember his boasting one day , at netherfield , of the implacability of his resentments , of his having an unforgiving temper . his disposition must be dreadful . i will not trust myself on the subject , replied wickham i can hardly be just to him . elizabeth was again deep in thought , and after a time exclaimed , to treat in such a manner the godson , the friend , the favourite of his father . she could have added , a young man , too , like you , whose very countenance may vouch for your being amiable  she contented herself with , and one , too , who had probably been his companion from childhood , connected together , as i think you said , in the closest manner . we were born in the same parish , within the same park the greatest part of our youth was passed together inmates of the same house , sharing the same amusements , objects of the same parental care . my father began life in the profession which your uncle , mr . phillips , appears to do so much credit to  he gave up everything to be of use to the late mr . darcy and devoted all his time to the care of the pemberley property . he was most highly esteemed by mr . darcy , a most intimate , confidential friend . mr . darcy often acknowledged himself to be under the greatest obligations to my fathers active superintendence , and when , immediately before my fathers death , mr . darcy gave him a voluntary promise of providing for me , i am convinced that he felt it to be as much a debt of gratitude to him , as of his affection to myself . how strange . cried elizabeth . how abominable . i wonder that the very pride of this mr . darcy has not made him just to you . if from no better motive , that he should not have been too proud to be dishonest  dishonesty i must call it . it is wonderful , replied wickham , for almost all his actions may be traced to pride and pride had often been his best friend . it has connected him nearer with virtue than with any other feeling . but we are none of us consistent , and in his behaviour to me there were stronger impulses even than pride . can such abominable pride as his have ever done him good . yes . it has often led him to be liberal and generous , to give his money freely , to display hospitality , to assist his tenants , and relieve the poor . family pride , and filial pride  he is very proud of what his father was  done this . not to appear to disgrace his family , to degenerate from the popular qualities , or lose the influence of the pemberley house , is a powerful motive . he has also brotherly pride , which , with some brotherly affection , makes him a very kind and careful guardian of his sister , and you will hear him generally cried up as the most attentive and best of brothers . what sort of girl is miss darcy . he shook his head . i wish i could call her amiable . it gives me pain to speak ill of a darcy . but she is too much like her brother  , very proud . as a child , she was affectionate and pleasing , and extremely fond of me and i have devoted hours and hours to her amusement . but she is nothing to me now . she is a handsome girl , about fifteen or sixteen , and , i understand , highly accomplished . since her fathers death , her home has been london , where a lady lives with her , and superintends her education . after many pauses and many trials of other subjects , elizabeth could not help reverting once more to the first , and saying i am astonished at his intimacy with mr . bingley . how can mr . bingley , who seems good humour itself , and is , i really believe , truly amiable , be in friendship with such a man . how can they suit each other . do you know mr . bingley . not at all . he is a sweet tempered, , amiable , charming man . he cannot know what mr . darcy is . probably not but mr . darcy can please where he chooses . he does not want abilities . he can be a conversible companion if he thinks it worth his while . among those who are at all his equals in consequence , he is a very different man from what he is to the less prosperous . his pride never deserts him but with the rich he is liberal minded, , just , sincere , rational , honourable , and perhaps agreeable  something for fortune and figure . the whist party soon afterwards breaking up , the players gathered round the other table and mr . collins took his station between his cousin elizabeth and mrs . phillips . the usual inquiries as to his success were made by the latter . it had not been very great he had lost every point but when mrs . phillips began to express her concern thereupon , he assured her with much earnest gravity that it was not of the least importance , that he considered the money as a mere trifle , and begged that she would not make herself uneasy . i know very well , madam , said he , that when persons sit down to a card table, , they must take their chances of these things , and happily i am not in such circumstances as to make five shillings any object . there are undoubtedly many who could not say the same , but thanks to lady catherine de bourgh , i am removed far beyond the necessity of regarding little matters . mr . wickhams attention was caught and after observing mr . collins for a few moments , he asked elizabeth in a low voice whether her relation was very intimately acquainted with the family of de bourgh . lady catherine de bourgh , she replied , has very lately given him a living . i hardly know how mr . collins was first introduced to her notice , but he certainly has not known her long . you know of course that lady catherine de bourgh and lady anne darcy were sisters consequently that she is aunt to the present mr . darcy . no , indeed , i did not . i knew nothing at all of lady catherines connections . i never heard of her existence till the day before yesterday . her daughter , miss de bourgh , will have a very large fortune , and it is believed that she and her cousin will unite the two estates . this information made elizabeth smile , as she thought of poor miss bingley . vain indeed must be all her attentions , vain and useless her affection for his sister and her praise of himself , if he were already self destined for another . mr . collins , said she , speaks highly both of lady catherine and her daughter but from some particulars that he has related of her ladyship , i suspect his gratitude misleads him , and that in spite of her being his patroness , she is an arrogant , conceited woman . i believe her to be both in a great degree , replied wickham i have not seen her for many years , but i very well remember that i never liked her , and that her manners were dictatorial and insolent . she has the reputation of being remarkably sensible and clever but i rather believe she derives part of her abilities from her rank and fortune , part from her authoritative manner , and the rest from the pride for her nephew , who chooses that everyone connected with him should have an understanding of the first class . elizabeth allowed that he had given a very rational account of it , and they continued talking together , with mutual satisfaction till supper put an end to cards , and gave the rest of the ladies their share of mr . wickhams attentions . there could be no conversation in the noise of mrs . phillipss supper party , but his manners recommended him to everybody . whatever he said , was said well and whatever he did , done gracefully . elizabeth went away with her head full of him . she could think of nothing but of mr . wickham , and of what he had told her , all the way home but there was not time for her even to mention his name as they went , for neither lydia nor mr . collins were once silent . lydia talked incessantly of lottery tickets , of the fish she had lost and the fish she had won and mr . collins in describing the civility of mr . and mrs . phillips , protesting that he did not in the least regard his losses at whist , enumerating all the dishes at supper , and repeatedly fearing that he crowded his cousins , had more to say than he could well manage before the carriage stopped at longbourn house . chapter elizabeth related to jane the next day what had passed between mr . wickham and herself . jane listened with astonishment and concern she knew not how to believe that mr . darcy could be so unworthy of mr . bingleys regard and yet , it was not in her nature to question the veracity of a young man of such amiable appearance as wickham . the possibility of his having endured such unkindness , was enough to interest all her tender feelings and nothing remained therefore to be done , but to think well of them both , to defend the conduct of each , and throw into the account of accident or mistake whatever could not be otherwise explained . they have both , said she , been deceived , i dare say , in some way or other , of which we can form no idea . interested people have perhaps misrepresented each to the other . it is , in short , impossible for us to conjecture the causes or circumstances which may have alienated them , without actual blame on either side . very true , indeed and now , my dear jane , what have you got to say on behalf of the interested people who have probably been concerned in the business . do clear them too , or we shall be obliged to think ill of somebody . laugh as much as you choose , but you will not laugh me out of my opinion . my dearest lizzy , do but consider in what a disgraceful light it places mr . darcy , to be treating his fathers favourite in such a manner , one whom his father had promised to provide for . it is impossible . no man of common humanity , no man who had any value for his character , could be capable of it . can his most intimate friends be so excessively deceived in him . oh . no . i can much more easily believe mr . bingleys being imposed on , than that mr . wickham should invent such a history of himself as he gave me last night names , facts , everything mentioned without ceremony . if it be not so , let mr . darcy contradict it . besides , there was truth in his looks . it is difficult indeed  is distressing . one does not know what to think . i beg your pardon one knows exactly what to think . but jane could think with certainty on only one point  mr . bingley , if he had been imposed on , would have much to suffer when the affair became public . the two young ladies were summoned from the shrubbery , where this conversation passed , by the arrival of the very persons of whom they had been speaking mr . bingley and his sisters came to give their personal invitation for the long expected ball at netherfield , which was fixed for the following tuesday . the two ladies were delighted to see their dear friend again , called it an age since they had met , and repeatedly asked what she had been doing with herself since their separation . to the rest of the family they paid little attention avoiding mrs . bennet as much as possible , saying not much to elizabeth , and nothing at all to the others . they were soon gone again , rising from their seats with an activity which took their brother by surprise , and hurrying off as if eager to escape from mrs . bennets civilities . the prospect of the netherfield ball was extremely agreeable to every female of the family . mrs . bennet chose to consider it as given in compliment to her eldest daughter , and was particularly flattered by receiving the invitation from mr . bingley himself , instead of a ceremonious card . jane pictured to herself a happy evening in the society of her two friends , and the attentions of their brother and elizabeth thought with pleasure of dancing a great deal with mr . wickham , and of seeing a confirmation of everything in mr . darcys look and behaviour . the happiness anticipated by catherine and lydia depended less on any single event , or any particular person , for though they each , like elizabeth , meant to dance half the evening with mr . wickham , he was by no means the only partner who could satisfy them , and a ball was , at any rate , a ball . and even mary could assure her family that she had no disinclination for it . while i can have my mornings to myself , said she , it is enough  think it is no sacrifice to join occasionally in evening engagements . society has claims on us all and i profess myself one of those who consider intervals of recreation and amusement as desirable for everybody . elizabeths spirits were so high on this occasion , that though she did not often speak unnecessarily to mr . collins , she could not help asking him whether he intended to accept mr . bingleys invitation , and if he did , whether he would think it proper to join in the evenings amusement and she was rather surprised to find that he entertained no scruple whatever on that head , and was very far from dreading a rebuke either from the archbishop , or lady catherine de bourgh , by venturing to dance . i am by no means of the opinion , i assure you , said he , that a ball of this kind , given by a young man of character , to respectable people , can have any evil tendency and i am so far from objecting to dancing myself , that i shall hope to be honoured with the hands of all my fair cousins in the course of the evening and i take this opportunity of soliciting yours , miss elizabeth , for the two first dances especially , a preference which i trust my cousin jane will attribute to the right cause , and not to any disrespect for her . elizabeth felt herself completely taken in . she had fully proposed being engaged by mr . wickham for those very dances and to have mr . collins instead . her liveliness had never been worse timed . there was no help for it , however . mr . wickhams happiness and her own were perforce delayed a little longer , and mr . collinss proposal accepted with as good a grace as she could . she was not the better pleased with his gallantry from the idea it suggested of something more . it now first struck her , that she was selected from among her sisters as worthy of being mistress of hunsford parsonage , and of assisting to form a quadrille table at rosings , in the absence of more eligible visitors . the idea soon reached to conviction , as she observed his increasing civilities toward herself , and heard his frequent attempt at a compliment on her wit and vivacity and though more astonished than gratified herself by this effect of her charms , it was not long before her mother gave her to understand that the probability of their marriage was extremely agreeable to her . elizabeth , however , did not choose to take the hint , being well aware that a serious dispute must be the consequence of any reply . mr . collins might never make the offer , and till he did , it was useless to quarrel about him . if there had not been a netherfield ball to prepare for and talk of , the younger miss bennets would have been in a very pitiable state at this time , for from the day of the invitation , to the day of the ball , there was such a succession of rain as prevented their walking to meryton once . no aunt , no officers , no news could be sought after  very shoe roses for netherfield were got by proxy . even elizabeth might have found some trial of her patience in weather which totally suspended the improvement of her acquaintance with mr . wickham and nothing less than a dance on tuesday , could have made such a friday , saturday , sunday , and monday endurable to kitty and lydia . chapter till elizabeth entered the drawing room at netherfield , and looked in vain for mr . wickham among the cluster of red coats there assembled , a doubt of his being present had never occurred to her . the certainty of meeting him had not been checked by any of those recollections that might not unreasonably have alarmed her . she had dressed with more than usual care , and prepared in the highest spirits for the conquest of all that remained unsubdued of his heart , trusting that it was not more than might be won in the course of the evening . but in an instant arose the dreadful suspicion of his being purposely omitted for mr . darcys pleasure in the bingleys invitation to the officers and though this was not exactly the case , the absolute fact of his absence was pronounced by his friend denny , to whom lydia eagerly applied , and who told them that wickham had been obliged to go to town on business the day before , and was not yet returned adding , with a significant smile , i do not imagine his business would have called him away just now , if he had not wanted to avoid a certain gentleman here . this part of his intelligence , though unheard by lydia , was caught by elizabeth , and , as it assured her that darcy was not less answerable for wickhams absence than if her first surmise had been just , every feeling of displeasure against the former was so sharpened by immediate disappointment , that she could hardly reply with tolerable civility to the polite inquiries which he directly afterwards approached to make . attendance , forbearance , patience with darcy , was injury to wickham . she was resolved against any sort of conversation with him , and turned away with a degree of ill humour which she could not wholly surmount even in speaking to mr . bingley , whose blind partiality provoked her . but elizabeth was not formed for ill humour and though every prospect of her own was destroyed for the evening , it could not dwell long on her spirits and having told all her griefs to charlotte lucas , whom she had not seen for a week , she was soon able to make a voluntary transition to the oddities of her cousin , and to point him out to her particular notice . the first two dances , however , brought a return of distress they were dances of mortification . mr . collins , awkward and solemn , apologising instead of attending , and often moving wrong without being aware of it , gave her all the shame and misery which a disagreeable partner for a couple of dances can give . the moment of her release from him was ecstasy . she danced next with an officer , and had the refreshment of talking of wickham , and of hearing that he was universally liked . when those dances were over , she returned to charlotte lucas , and was in conversation with her , when she found herself suddenly addressed by mr . darcy who took her so much by surprise in his application for her hand , that , without knowing what she did , she accepted him . he walked away again immediately , and she was left to fret over her own want of presence of mind charlotte tried to console her i dare say you will find him very agreeable . heaven forbid . that would be the greatest misfortune of all . to find a man agreeable whom one is determined to hate . do not wish me such an evil . when the dancing recommenced , however , and darcy approached to claim her hand , charlotte could not help cautioning her in a whisper , not to be a simpleton , and allow her fancy for wickham to make her appear unpleasant in the eyes of a man ten times his consequence . elizabeth made no answer , and took her place in the set , amazed at the dignity to which she was arrived in being allowed to stand opposite to mr . darcy , and reading in her neighbours looks , their equal amazement in beholding it . they stood for some time without speaking a word and she began to imagine that their silence was to last through the two dances , and at first was resolved not to break it till suddenly fancying that it would be the greater punishment to her partner to oblige him to talk , she made some slight observation on the dance . he replied , and was again silent . after a pause of some minutes , she addressed him a second time with  is your turn to say something now , mr . darcy . i talked about the dance , and you ought to make some sort of remark on the size of the room , or the number of couples . he smiled , and assured her that whatever she wished him to say should be said . very well . that reply will do for the present . perhaps by and by i may observe that private balls are much pleasanter than public ones . but now we may be silent . do you talk by rule , then , while you are dancing . sometimes . one must speak a little , you know . it would look odd to be entirely silent for half an hour together and yet for the advantage of some , conversation ought to be so arranged , as that they may have the trouble of saying as little as possible . are you consulting your own feelings in the present case , or do you imagine that you are gratifying mine . both , replied elizabeth archly for i have always seen a great similarity in the turn of our minds . we are each of an unsocial , taciturn disposition , unwilling to speak , unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room , and be handed down to posterity with all the eclat of a proverb . this is no very striking resemblance of your own character , i am sure , said he . how near it may be to mine , i cannot pretend to say . you think it a faithful portrait undoubtedly . i must not decide on my own performance . he made no answer , and they were again silent till they had gone down the dance , when he asked her if she and her sisters did not very often walk to meryton . she answered in the affirmative , and , unable to resist the temptation , added , when you met us there the other day , we had just been forming a new acquaintance . the effect was immediate . a deeper shade of hauteur overspread his features , but he said not a word , and elizabeth , though blaming herself for her own weakness , could not go on . at length darcy spoke , and in a constrained manner said , mr . wickham is blessed with such happy manners as may ensure his making friends  he may be equally capable of retaining them , is less certain . he has been so unlucky as to lose your friendship , replied elizabeth with emphasis , and in a manner which he is likely to suffer from all his life . darcy made no answer , and seemed desirous of changing the subject . at that moment , sir william lucas appeared close to them , meaning to pass through the set to the other side of the room but on perceiving mr . darcy , he stopped with a bow of superior courtesy to compliment him on his dancing and his partner . i have been most highly gratified indeed , my dear sir . such very superior dancing is not often seen . it is evident that you belong to the first circles . allow me to say , however , that your fair partner does not disgrace you , and that i must hope to have this pleasure often repeated , especially when a certain desirable event , my dear eliza glancing at her sister and bingley shall take place . what congratulations will then flow in . i appeal to mr . darcy  let me not interrupt you , sir . you will not thank me for detaining you from the bewitching converse of that young lady , whose bright eyes are also upbraiding me . the latter part of this address was scarcely heard by darcy but sir williams allusion to his friend seemed to strike him forcibly , and his eyes were directed with a very serious expression towards bingley and jane , who were dancing together . recovering himself , however , shortly , he turned to his partner , and said , sir williams interruption has made me forget what we were talking of . i do not think we were speaking at all . sir william could not have interrupted two people in the room who had less to say for themselves . we have tried two or three subjects already without success , and what we are to talk of next i cannot imagine . what think you of books . said he , smiling . books  . no . i am sure we never read the same , or not with the same feelings . i am sorry you think so but if that be the case , there can at least be no want of subject . we may compare our different opinions . no  cannot talk of books in a ball room my head is always full of something else . the present always occupies you in such scenes  it . said he , with a look of doubt . yes , always , she replied , without knowing what she said , for her thoughts had wandered far from the subject , as soon afterwards appeared by her suddenly exclaiming , i remember hearing you once say , mr . darcy , that you hardly ever forgave , that your resentment once created was unappeasable . you are very cautious , i suppose , as to its being created . i am , said he , with a firm voice . and never allow yourself to be blinded by prejudice . i hope not . it is particularly incumbent on those who never change their opinion , to be secure of judging properly at first . may i ask to what these questions tend . merely to the illustration of your character , said she , endeavouring to shake off her gravity . i am trying to make it out . and what is your success . she shook her head . i do not get on at all . i hear such different accounts of you as puzzle me exceedingly . i can readily believe , answered he gravely , that reports may vary greatly with respect to me and i could wish , miss bennet , that you were not to sketch my character at the present moment , as there is reason to fear that the performance would reflect no credit on either . but if i do not take your likeness now , i may never have another opportunity . i would by no means suspend any pleasure of yours , he coldly replied . she said no more , and they went down the other dance and parted in silence and on each side dissatisfied , though not to an equal degree , for in darcys breast there was a tolerably powerful feeling towards her , which soon procured her pardon , and directed all his anger against another . they had not long separated , when miss bingley came towards her , and with an expression of civil disdain accosted her so , miss eliza , i hear you are quite delighted with george wickham . your sister has been talking to me about him , and asking me a thousand questions and i find that the young man quite forgot to tell you , among his other communication , that he was the son of old wickham , the late mr . darcys steward . let me recommend you , however , as a friend , not to give implicit confidence to all his assertions for as to mr . darcys using him ill , it is perfectly false for , on the contrary , he has always been remarkably kind to him , though george wickham has treated mr . darcy in a most infamous manner . i do not know the particulars , but i know very well that mr . darcy is not in the least to blame , that he cannot bear to hear george wickham mentioned , and that though my brother thought that he could not well avoid including him in his invitation to the officers , he was excessively glad to find that he had taken himself out of the way . his coming into the country at all is a most insolent thing , indeed , and i wonder how he could presume to do it . i pity you , miss eliza , for this discovery of your favourites guilt but really , considering his descent , one could not expect much better . his guilt and his descent appear by your account to be the same , said elizabeth angrily for i have heard you accuse him of nothing worse than of being the son of mr . darcys steward , and of that , i can assure you , he informed me himself . i beg your pardon , replied miss bingley , turning away with a sneer . excuse my interference  was kindly meant . insolent girl . said elizabeth to herself . you are much mistaken if you expect to influence me by such a paltry attack as this . i see nothing in it but your own wilful ignorance and the malice of mr . darcy . she then sought her eldest sister , who had undertaken to make inquiries on the same subject of bingley . jane met her with a smile of such sweet complacency , a glow of such happy expression , as sufficiently marked how well she was satisfied with the occurrences of the evening . elizabeth instantly read her feelings , and at that moment solicitude for wickham , resentment against his enemies , and everything else , gave way before the hope of janes being in the fairest way for happiness . i want to know , said she , with a countenance no less smiling than her sisters , what you have learnt about mr . wickham . but perhaps you have been too pleasantly engaged to think of any third person in which case you may be sure of my pardon . no , replied jane , i have not forgotten him but i have nothing satisfactory to tell you . mr . bingley does not know the whole of his history , and is quite ignorant of the circumstances which have principally offended mr . darcy but he will vouch for the good conduct , the probity , and honour of his friend , and is perfectly convinced that mr . wickham has deserved much less attention from mr . darcy than he has received and i am sorry to say by his account as well as his sisters , mr . wickham is by no means a respectable young man . i am afraid he has been very imprudent , and has deserved to lose mr . darcys regard . mr . bingley does not know mr . wickham himself . no he never saw him till the other morning at meryton . this account then is what he has received from mr . darcy . i am satisfied . but what does he say of the living . he does not exactly recollect the circumstances , though he has heard them from mr . darcy more than once , but he believes that it was left to him conditionally only . i have not a doubt of mr . bingleys sincerity , said elizabeth warmly but you must excuse my not being convinced by assurances only . mr . bingleys defense of his friend was a very able one , i dare say but since he is unacquainted with several parts of the story , and has learnt the rest from that friend himself , i shall venture to still think of both gentlemen as i did before . she then changed the discourse to one more gratifying to each , and on which there could be no difference of sentiment . elizabeth listened with delight to the happy , though modest hopes which jane entertained of mr . bingleys regard , and said all in her power to heighten her confidence in it . on their being joined by mr . bingley himself , elizabeth withdrew to miss lucas to whose inquiry after the pleasantness of her last partner she had scarcely replied , before mr . collins came up to them , and told her with great exultation that he had just been so fortunate as to make a most important discovery . i have found out , said he , by a singular accident , that there is now in the room a near relation of my patroness . i happened to overhear the gentleman himself mentioning to the young lady who does the honours of the house the names of his cousin miss de bourgh , and of her mother lady catherine . how wonderfully these sort of things occur . who would have thought of my meeting with , perhaps , a nephew of lady catherine de bourgh in this assembly . i am most thankful that the discovery is made in time for me to pay my respects to him , which i am now going to do , and trust he will excuse my not having done it before . my total ignorance of the connection must plead my apology . you are not going to introduce yourself to mr . darcy . indeed i am . i shall entreat his pardon for not having done it earlier . i believe him to be lady catherines nephew . it will be in my power to assure him that her ladyship was quite well yesterday sennight . elizabeth tried hard to dissuade him from such a scheme , assuring him that mr . darcy would consider his addressing him without introduction as an impertinent freedom , rather than a compliment to his aunt that it was not in the least necessary there should be any notice on either side and that if it were , it must belong to mr . darcy , the superior in consequence , to begin the acquaintance . mr . collins listened to her with the determined air of following his own inclination , and , when she ceased speaking , replied thus my dear miss elizabeth , i have the highest opinion in the world in your excellent judgement in all matters within the scope of your understanding but permit me to say , that there must be a wide difference between the established forms of ceremony amongst the laity , and those which regulate the clergy for , give me leave to observe that i consider the clerical office as equal in point of dignity with the highest rank in the kingdom  that a proper humility of behaviour is at the same time maintained . you must therefore allow me to follow the dictates of my conscience on this occasion , which leads me to perform what i look on as a point of duty . pardon me for neglecting to profit by your advice , which on every other subject shall be my constant guide , though in the case before us i consider myself more fitted by education and habitual study to decide on what is right than a young lady like yourself . and with a low bow he left her to attack mr . darcy , whose reception of his advances she eagerly watched , and whose astonishment at being so addressed was very evident . her cousin prefaced his speech with a solemn bow and though she could not hear a word of it , she felt as if hearing it all , and saw in the motion of his lips the words apology , hunsford , and lady catherine de bourgh . it vexed her to see him expose himself to such a man . mr . darcy was eyeing him with unrestrained wonder , and when at last mr . collins allowed him time to speak , replied with an air of distant civility . mr . collins , however , was not discouraged from speaking again , and mr . darcys contempt seemed abundantly increasing with the length of his second speech , and at the end of it he only made him a slight bow , and moved another way . mr . collins then returned to elizabeth . i have no reason , i assure you , said he , to be dissatisfied with my reception . mr . darcy seemed much pleased with the attention . he answered me with the utmost civility , and even paid me the compliment of saying that he was so well convinced of lady catherines discernment as to be certain she could never bestow a favour unworthily . it was really a very handsome thought . upon the whole , i am much pleased with him . as elizabeth had no longer any interest of her own to pursue , she turned her attention almost entirely on her sister and mr . bingley and the train of agreeable reflections which her observations gave birth to , made her perhaps almost as happy as jane . she saw her in idea settled in that very house , in all the felicity which a marriage of true affection could bestow and she felt capable , under such circumstances , of endeavouring even to like bingleys two sisters . her mothers thoughts she plainly saw were bent the same way , and she determined not to venture near her , lest she might hear too much . when they sat down to supper , therefore , she considered it a most unlucky perverseness which placed them within one of each other and deeply was she vexed to find that her mother was talking to that one person freely , openly , and of nothing else but her expectation that jane would soon be married to mr . bingley . it was an animating subject , and mrs . bennet seemed incapable of fatigue while enumerating the advantages of the match . his being such a charming young man , and so rich , and living but three miles from them , were the first points of self gratulation and then it was such a comfort to think how fond the two sisters were of jane , and to be certain that they must desire the connection as much as she could do . it was , moreover , such a promising thing for her younger daughters , as janes marrying so greatly must throw them in the way of other rich men and lastly , it was so pleasant at her time of life to be able to consign her single daughters to the care of their sister , that she might not be obliged to go into company more than she liked . it was necessary to make this circumstance a matter of pleasure , because on such occasions it is the etiquette but no one was less likely than mrs . bennet to find comfort in staying home at any period of her life . she concluded with many good wishes that lady lucas might soon be equally fortunate , though evidently and triumphantly believing there was no chance of it . in vain did elizabeth endeavour to check the rapidity of her mothers words , or persuade her to describe her felicity in a less audible whisper for , to her inexpressible vexation , she could perceive that the chief of it was overheard by mr . darcy , who sat opposite to them . her mother only scolded her for being nonsensical . what is mr . darcy to me , pray , that i should be afraid of him . i am sure we owe him no such particular civility as to be obliged to say nothing he may not like to hear . for heavens sake , madam , speak lower . what advantage can it be for you to offend mr . darcy . you will never recommend yourself to his friend by so doing . nothing that she could say , however , had any influence . her mother would talk of her views in the same intelligible tone . elizabeth blushed and blushed again with shame and vexation . she could not help frequently glancing her eye at mr . darcy , though every glance convinced her of what she dreaded for though he was not always looking at her mother , she was convinced that his attention was invariably fixed by her . the expression of his face changed gradually from indignant contempt to a composed and steady gravity . at length , however , mrs . bennet had no more to say and lady lucas , who had been long yawning at the repetition of delights which she saw no likelihood of sharing , was left to the comforts of cold ham and chicken . elizabeth now began to revive . but not long was the interval of tranquillity for , when supper was over , singing was talked of , and she had the mortification of seeing mary , after very little entreaty , preparing to oblige the company . by many significant looks and silent entreaties , did she endeavour to prevent such a proof of complaisance , but in vain mary would not understand them such an opportunity of exhibiting was delightful to her , and she began her song . elizabeths eyes were fixed on her with most painful sensations , and she watched her progress through the several stanzas with an impatience which was very ill rewarded at their close for mary , on receiving , amongst the thanks of the table , the hint of a hope that she might be prevailed on to favour them again , after the pause of half a minute began another . marys powers were by no means fitted for such a display her voice was weak , and her manner affected . elizabeth was in agonies . she looked at jane , to see how she bore it but jane was very composedly talking to bingley . she looked at his two sisters , and saw them making signs of derision at each other , and at darcy , who continued , however , imperturbably grave . she looked at her father to entreat his interference , lest mary should be singing all night . he took the hint , and when mary had finished her second song , said aloud , that will do extremely well , child . you have delighted us long enough . let the other young ladies have time to exhibit . mary , though pretending not to hear , was somewhat disconcerted and elizabeth , sorry for her , and sorry for her fathers speech , was afraid her anxiety had done no good . others of the party were now applied to . if i , said mr . collins , were so fortunate as to be able to sing , i should have great pleasure , i am sure , in obliging the company with an air for i consider music as a very innocent diversion , and perfectly compatible with the profession of a clergyman . i do not mean , however , to assert that we can be justified in devoting too much of our time to music , for there are certainly other things to be attended to . the rector of a parish has much to do . in the first place , he must make such an agreement for tithes as may be beneficial to himself and not offensive to his patron . he must write his own sermons and the time that remains will not be too much for his parish duties , and the care and improvement of his dwelling , which he cannot be excused from making as comfortable as possible . and i do not think it of light importance that he should have attentive and conciliatory manners towards everybody , especially towards those to whom he owes his preferment . i cannot acquit him of that duty nor could i think well of the man who should omit an occasion of testifying his respect towards anybody connected with the family . and with a bow to mr . darcy , he concluded his speech , which had been spoken so loud as to be heard by half the room . many stared  smiled but no one looked more amused than mr . bennet himself , while his wife seriously commended mr . collins for having spoken so sensibly , and observed in a half whisper to lady lucas , that he was a remarkably clever , good kind of young man . to elizabeth it appeared that , had her family made an agreement to expose themselves as much as they could during the evening , it would have been impossible for them to play their parts with more spirit or finer success and happy did she think it for bingley and her sister that some of the exhibition had escaped his notice , and that his feelings were not of a sort to be much distressed by the folly which he must have witnessed . that his two sisters and mr . darcy , however , should have such an opportunity of ridiculing her relations , was bad enough , and she could not determine whether the silent contempt of the gentleman , or the insolent smiles of the ladies , were more intolerable . the rest of the evening brought her little amusement . she was teased by mr . collins , who continued most perseveringly by her side , and though he could not prevail on her to dance with him again , put it out of her power to dance with others . in vain did she entreat him to stand up with somebody else , and offer to introduce him to any young lady in the room . he assured her , that as to dancing , he was perfectly indifferent to it that his chief object was by delicate attentions to recommend himself to her and that he should therefore make a point of remaining close to her the whole evening . there was no arguing upon such a project . she owed her greatest relief to her friend miss lucas , who often joined them , and good naturedly engaged mr . collinss conversation to herself . she was at least free from the offense of mr . darcys further notice though often standing within a very short distance of her , quite disengaged , he never came near enough to speak . she felt it to be the probable consequence of her allusions to mr . wickham , and rejoiced in it . the longbourn party were the last of all the company to depart , and , by a manoeuvre of mrs . bennet , had to wait for their carriage a quarter of an hour after everybody else was gone , which gave them time to see how heartily they were wished away by some of the family . mrs . hurst and her sister scarcely opened their mouths , except to complain of fatigue , and were evidently impatient to have the house to themselves . they repulsed every attempt of mrs . bennet at conversation , and by so doing threw a languor over the whole party , which was very little relieved by the long speeches of mr . collins , who was complimenting mr . bingley and his sisters on the elegance of their entertainment , and the hospitality and politeness which had marked their behaviour to their guests . darcy said nothing at all . mr . bennet , in equal silence , was enjoying the scene . mr . bingley and jane were standing together , a little detached from the rest , and talked only to each other . elizabeth preserved as steady a silence as either mrs . hurst or miss bingley and even lydia was too much fatigued to utter more than the occasional exclamation of lord , how tired i am . accompanied by a violent yawn . when at length they arose to take leave , mrs . bennet was most pressingly civil in her hope of seeing the whole family soon at longbourn , and addressed herself especially to mr . bingley , to assure him how happy he would make them by eating a family dinner with them at any time , without the ceremony of a formal invitation . bingley was all grateful pleasure , and he readily engaged for taking the earliest opportunity of waiting on her , after his return from london , whither he was obliged to go the next day for a short time . mrs . bennet was perfectly satisfied , and quitted the house under the delightful persuasion that , allowing for the necessary preparations of settlements , new carriages , and wedding clothes , she should undoubtedly see her daughter settled at netherfield in the course of three or four months . of having another daughter married to mr . collins , she thought with equal certainty , and with considerable , though not equal , pleasure . elizabeth was the least dear to her of all her children and though the man and the match were quite good enough for her , the worth of each was eclipsed by mr . bingley and netherfield . chapter the next day opened a new scene at longbourn . mr . collins made his declaration in form . having resolved to do it without loss of time , as his leave of absence extended only to the following saturday , and having no feelings of diffidence to make it distressing to himself even at the moment , he set about it in a very orderly manner , with all the observances , which he supposed a regular part of the business . on finding mrs . bennet , elizabeth , and one of the younger girls together , soon after breakfast , he addressed the mother in these words may i hope , madam , for your interest with your fair daughter elizabeth , when i solicit for the honour of a private audience with her in the course of this morning . before elizabeth had time for anything but a blush of surprise , mrs . bennet answered instantly , oh dear .  . i am sure lizzy will be very happy  am sure she can have no objection . come , kitty , i want you up stairs . and , gathering her work together , she was hastening away , when elizabeth called out dear madam , do not go . i beg you will not go . mr . collins must excuse me . he can have nothing to say to me that anybody need not hear . i am going away myself . no , nonsense , lizzy . i desire you to stay where you are . and upon elizabeths seeming really , with vexed and embarrassed looks , about to escape , she added lizzy , i insist upon your staying and hearing mr . collins . elizabeth would not oppose such an injunction  a moments consideration making her also sensible that it would be wisest to get it over as soon and as quietly as possible , she sat down again and tried to conceal , by incessant employment the feelings which were divided between distress and diversion . mrs . bennet and kitty walked off , and as soon as they were gone , mr . collins began . believe me , my dear miss elizabeth , that your modesty , so far from doing you any disservice , rather adds to your other perfections . you would have been less amiable in my eyes had there not been this little unwillingness but allow me to assure you , that i have your respected mothers permission for this address . you can hardly doubt the purport of my discourse , however your natural delicacy may lead you to dissemble my attentions have been too marked to be mistaken . almost as soon as i entered the house , i singled you out as the companion of my future life . but before i am run away with by my feelings on this subject , perhaps it would be advisable for me to state my reasons for marrying  , moreover , for coming into hertfordshire with the design of selecting a wife , as i certainly did . the idea of mr . collins , with all his solemn composure , being run away with by his feelings , made elizabeth so near laughing , that she could not use the short pause he allowed in any attempt to stop him further , and he continued my reasons for marrying are , first , that i think it a right thing for every clergyman in easy circumstances to set the example of matrimony in his parish secondly , that i am convinced that it will add very greatly to my happiness and thirdly  perhaps i ought to have mentioned earlier , that it is the particular advice and recommendation of the very noble lady whom i have the honour of calling patroness . twice has she condescended to give me her opinion unasked too . on this subject and it was but the very saturday night before i left hunsford  our pools at quadrille , while mrs . jenkinson was arranging miss de bourghs footstool , that she said , mr . collins , you must marry . a clergyman like you must marry . choose properly , choose a gentlewoman for my sake and for your own , let her be an active , useful sort of person , not brought up high , but able to make a small income go a good way . this is my advice . find such a woman as soon as you can , bring her to hunsford , and i will visit her . allow me , by the way , to observe , my fair cousin , that i do not reckon the notice and kindness of lady catherine de bourgh as among the least of the advantages in my power to offer . you will find her manners beyond anything i can describe and your wit and vivacity , i think , must be acceptable to her , especially when tempered with the silence and respect which her rank will inevitably excite . thus much for my general intention in favour of matrimony it remains to be told why my views were directed towards longbourn instead of my own neighbourhood , where i can assure you there are many amiable young women . but the fact is , that being , as i am , to inherit this estate after the death of your honoured father i could not satisfy myself without resolving to choose a wife from among his daughters , that the loss to them might be as little as possible , when the melancholy event takes place  , however , as i have already said , may not be for several years . this has been my motive , my fair cousin , and i flatter myself it will not sink me in your esteem . and now nothing remains for me but to assure you in the most animated language of the violence of my affection . to fortune i am perfectly indifferent , and shall make no demand of that nature on your father , since i am well aware that it could not be complied with and that one thousand pounds in the four per cents , which will not be yours till after your mothers decease , is all that you may ever be entitled to . on that head , therefore , i shall be uniformly silent and you may assure yourself that no ungenerous reproach shall ever pass my lips when we are married . it was absolutely necessary to interrupt him now . you are too hasty , sir , she cried . you forget that i have made no answer . let me do it without further loss of time . accept my thanks for the compliment you are paying me . i am very sensible of the honour of your proposals , but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than to decline them . i am not now to learn , replied mr . collins , with a formal wave of the hand , that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the man whom they secretly mean to accept , when he first applies for their favour and that sometimes the refusal is repeated a second , or even a third time . i am therefore by no means discouraged by what you have just said , and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long . upon my word , sir , cried elizabeth , your hope is a rather extraordinary one after my declaration . i do assure you that i am not one of those young ladies who are so daring as to risk their happiness on the chance of being asked a second time . i am perfectly serious in my refusal . you could not make me happy , and i am convinced that i am the last woman in the world who could make you so . nay , were your friend lady catherine to know me , i am persuaded she would find me in every respect ill qualified for the situation . were it certain that lady catherine would think so , said mr . collins very gravely  i cannot imagine that her ladyship would at all disapprove of you . and you may be certain when i have the honour of seeing her again , i shall speak in the very highest terms of your modesty , economy , and other amiable qualification . indeed , mr . collins , all praise of me will be unnecessary . you must give me leave to judge for myself , and pay me the compliment of believing what i say . i wish you very happy and very rich , and by refusing your hand , do all in my power to prevent your being otherwise . in making me the offer , you must have satisfied the delicacy of your feelings with regard to my family , and may take possession of longbourn estate whenever it falls , without any self reproach . this matter may be considered , therefore , as finally settled . and rising as she thus spoke , she would have quitted the room , had mr . collins not thus addressed her when i do myself the honour of speaking to you next on the subject , i shall hope to receive a more favourable answer than you have now given me though i am far from accusing you of cruelty at present , because i know it to be the established custom of your sex to reject a man on the first application , and perhaps you have even now said as much to encourage my suit as would be consistent with the true delicacy of the female character . really , mr . collins , cried elizabeth with some warmth , you puzzle me exceedingly . if what i have hitherto said can appear to you in the form of encouragement , i know not how to express my refusal in such a way as to convince you of its being one . you must give me leave to flatter myself , my dear cousin , that your refusal of my addresses is merely words of course . my reasons for believing it are briefly these it does not appear to me that my hand is unworthy of your acceptance , or that the establishment i can offer would be any other than highly desirable . my situation in life , my connections with the family of de bourgh , and my relationship to your own , are circumstances highly in my favour and you should take it into further consideration , that in spite of your manifold attractions , it is by no means certain that another offer of marriage may ever be made you . your portion is unhappily so small that it will in all likelihood undo the effects of your loveliness and amiable qualifications . as i must therefore conclude that you are not serious in your rejection of me , i shall choose to attribute it to your wish of increasing my love by suspense , according to the usual practice of elegant females . i do assure you , sir , that i have no pretensions whatever to that kind of elegance which consists in tormenting a respectable man . i would rather be paid the compliment of being believed sincere . i thank you again and again for the honour you have done me in your proposals , but to accept them is absolutely impossible . my feelings in every respect forbid it . can i speak plainer . do not consider me now as an elegant female , intending to plague you , but as a rational creature , speaking the truth from her heart . you are uniformly charming . cried he , with an air of awkward gallantry and i am persuaded that when sanctioned by the express authority of both your excellent parents , my proposals will not fail of being acceptable . to such perseverance in wilful self deception elizabeth would make no reply , and immediately and in silence withdrew determined , if he persisted in considering her repeated refusals as flattering encouragement , to apply to her father , whose negative might be uttered in such a manner as to be decisive , and whose behaviour at least could not be mistaken for the affectation and coquetry of an elegant female . chapter mr . collins was not left long to the silent contemplation of his successful love for mrs . bennet , having dawdled about in the vestibule to watch for the end of the conference , no sooner saw elizabeth open the door and with quick step pass her towards the staircase , than she entered the breakfast room, , and congratulated both him and herself in warm terms on the happy prospect of their nearer connection . mr . collins received and returned these felicitations with equal pleasure , and then proceeded to relate the particulars of their interview , with the result of which he trusted he had every reason to be satisfied , since the refusal which his cousin had steadfastly given him would naturally flow from her bashful modesty and the genuine delicacy of her character . this information , however , startled mrs . bennet she would have been glad to be equally satisfied that her daughter had meant to encourage him by protesting against his proposals , but she dared not believe it , and could not help saying so . but , depend upon it , mr . collins , she added , that lizzy shall be brought to reason . i will speak to her about it directly . she is a very headstrong , foolish girl , and does not know her own interest but i will make her know it . pardon me for interrupting you , madam , cried mr . collins but if she is really headstrong and foolish , i know not whether she would altogether be a very desirable wife to a man in my situation , who naturally looks for happiness in the marriage state . if therefore she actually persists in rejecting my suit , perhaps it were better not to force her into accepting me , because if liable to such defects of temper , she could not contribute much to my felicity . sir , you quite misunderstand me , said mrs . bennet , alarmed . lizzy is only headstrong in such matters as these . in everything else she is as good natured a girl as ever lived . i will go directly to mr . bennet , and we shall very soon settle it with her , i am sure . she would not give him time to reply , but hurrying instantly to her husband , called out as she entered the library , oh . mr . bennet , you are wanted immediately we are all in an uproar . you must come and make lizzy marry mr . collins , for she vows she will not have him , and if you do not make haste he will change his mind and not have her . mr . bennet raised his eyes from his book as she entered , and fixed them on her face with a calm unconcern which was not in the least altered by her communication . i have not the pleasure of understanding you , said he , when she had finished her speech . of what are you talking . of mr . collins and lizzy . lizzy declares she will not have mr . collins , and mr . collins begins to say that he will not have lizzy . and what am i to do on the occasion . it seems an hopeless business . speak to lizzy about it yourself . tell her that you insist upon her marrying him . let her be called down . she shall hear my opinion . mrs . bennet rang the bell , and miss elizabeth was summoned to the library . come here , child , cried her father as she appeared . i have sent for you on an affair of importance . i understand that mr . collins has made you an offer of marriage . is it true . elizabeth replied that it was . very well  this offer of marriage you have refused . i have , sir . very well . we now come to the point . your mother insists upon your accepting it . is it not so , mrs . bennet . yes , or i will never see her again . an unhappy alternative is before you , elizabeth . from this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents . your mother will never see you again if you do not marry mr . collins , and i will never see you again if you do . elizabeth could not but smile at such a conclusion of such a beginning , but mrs . bennet , who had persuaded herself that her husband regarded the affair as she wished , was excessively disappointed . what do you mean , mr . bennet , in talking this way . you promised me to insist upon her marrying him . my dear , replied her husband , i have two small favours to request . first , that you will allow me the free use of my understanding on the present occasion and secondly , of my room . i shall be glad to have the library to myself as soon as may be . not yet , however , in spite of her disappointment in her husband , did mrs . bennet give up the point . she talked to elizabeth again and again coaxed and threatened her by turns . she endeavoured to secure jane in her interest but jane , with all possible mildness , declined interfering and elizabeth , sometimes with real earnestness , and sometimes with playful gaiety , replied to her attacks . though her manner varied , however , her determination never did . mr . collins , meanwhile , was meditating in solitude on what had passed . he thought too well of himself to comprehend on what motives his cousin could refuse him and though his pride was hurt , he suffered in no other way . his regard for her was quite imaginary and the possibility of her deserving her mothers reproach prevented his feeling any regret . while the family were in this confusion , charlotte lucas came to spend the day with them . she was met in the vestibule by lydia , who , flying to her , cried in a half whisper , i am glad you are come , for there is such fun here . what do you think has happened this morning . mr . collins has made an offer to lizzy , and she will not have him . charlotte hardly had time to answer , before they were joined by kitty , who came to tell the same news and no sooner had they entered the breakfast room, , where mrs . bennet was alone , than she likewise began on the subject , calling on miss lucas for her compassion , and entreating her to persuade her friend lizzy to comply with the wishes of all her family . pray do , my dear miss lucas , she added in a melancholy tone , for nobody is on my side , nobody takes part with me . i am cruelly used , nobody feels for my poor nerves . charlottes reply was spared by the entrance of jane and elizabeth . aye , there she comes , continued mrs . bennet , looking as unconcerned as may be , and caring no more for us than if we were at york , provided she can have her own way . but i tell you , miss lizzy  you take it into your head to go on refusing every offer of marriage in this way , you will never get a husband at all  i am sure i do not know who is to maintain you when your father is dead . i shall not be able to keep you  so i warn you . i have done with you from this very day . i told you in the library , you know , that i should never speak to you again , and you will find me as good as my word . i have no pleasure in talking to undutiful children . not that i have much pleasure , indeed , in talking to anybody . people who suffer as i do from nervous complaints can have no great inclination for talking . nobody can tell what i suffer . but it is always so . those who do not complain are never pitied . her daughters listened in silence to this effusion , sensible that any attempt to reason with her or soothe her would only increase the irritation . she talked on , therefore , without interruption from any of them , till they were joined by mr . collins , who entered the room with an air more stately than usual , and on perceiving whom , she said to the girls , now , i do insist upon it , that you , all of you , hold your tongues , and let me and mr . collins have a little conversation together . elizabeth passed quietly out of the room , jane and kitty followed , but lydia stood her ground , determined to hear all she could and charlotte , detained first by the civility of mr . collins , whose inquiries after herself and all her family were very minute , and then by a little curiosity , satisfied herself with walking to the window and pretending not to hear . in a doleful voice mrs . bennet began the projected conversation oh . mr . collins . my dear madam , replied he , let us be for ever silent on this point . far be it from me , he presently continued , in a voice that marked his displeasure , to resent the behaviour of your daughter . resignation to inevitable evils is the duty of us all the peculiar duty of a young man who has been so fortunate as i have been in early preferment and i trust i am resigned . perhaps not the less so from feeling a doubt of my positive happiness had my fair cousin honoured me with her hand for i have often observed that resignation is never so perfect as when the blessing denied begins to lose somewhat of its value in our estimation . you will not , i hope , consider me as showing any disrespect to your family , my dear madam , by thus withdrawing my pretensions to your daughters favour , without having paid yourself and mr . bennet the compliment of requesting you to interpose your authority in my behalf . my conduct may , i fear , be objectionable in having accepted my dismission from your daughters lips instead of your own . but we are all liable to error . i have certainly meant well through the whole affair . my object has been to secure an amiable companion for myself , with due consideration for the advantage of all your family , and if my manner has been at all reprehensible , i here beg leave to apologise . chapter the discussion of mr . collinss offer was now nearly at an end , and elizabeth had only to suffer from the uncomfortable feelings necessarily attending it , and occasionally from some peevish allusions of her mother . as for the gentleman himself , his feelings were chiefly expressed , not by embarrassment or dejection , or by trying to avoid her , but by stiffness of manner and resentful silence . he scarcely ever spoke to her , and the assiduous attentions which he had been so sensible of himself were transferred for the rest of the day to miss lucas , whose civility in listening to him was a seasonable relief to them all , and especially to her friend . the morrow produced no abatement of mrs . bennets ill humour or ill health . mr . collins was also in the same state of angry pride . elizabeth had hoped that his resentment might shorten his visit , but his plan did not appear in the least affected by it . he was always to have gone on saturday , and to saturday he meant to stay . after breakfast , the girls walked to meryton to inquire if mr . wickham were returned , and to lament over his absence from the netherfield ball . he joined them on their entering the town , and attended them to their aunts where his regret and vexation , and the concern of everybody , was well talked over . to elizabeth , however , he voluntarily acknowledged that the necessity of his absence had been self imposed . i found , said he , as the time drew near that i had better not meet mr . darcy that to be in the same room , the same party with him for so many hours together , might be more than i could bear , and that scenes might arise unpleasant to more than myself . she highly approved his forbearance , and they had leisure for a full discussion of it , and for all the commendation which they civilly bestowed on each other , as wickham and another officer walked back with them to longbourn , and during the walk he particularly attended to her . his accompanying them was a double advantage she felt all the compliment it offered to herself , and it was most acceptable as an occasion of introducing him to her father and mother . soon after their return , a letter was delivered to miss bennet it came from netherfield . the envelope contained a sheet of elegant , little , hot pressed paper , well covered with a ladys fair , flowing hand and elizabeth saw her sisters countenance change as she read it , and saw her dwelling intently on some particular passages . jane recollected herself soon , and putting the letter away , tried to join with her usual cheerfulness in the general conversation but elizabeth felt an anxiety on the subject which drew off her attention even from wickham and no sooner had he and his companion taken leave , than a glance from jane invited her to follow her up stairs . when they had gained their own room , jane , taking out the letter , said this is from caroline bingley what it contains has surprised me a good deal . the whole party have left netherfield by this time , and are on their way to town  without any intention of coming back again . you shall hear what she says . she then read the first sentence aloud , which comprised the information of their having just resolved to follow their brother to town directly , and of their meaning to dine in grosvenor street , where mr . hurst had a house . the next was in these words i do not pretend to regret anything i shall leave in hertfordshire , except your society , my dearest friend but we will hope , at some future period , to enjoy many returns of that delightful intercourse we have known , and in the meanwhile may lessen the pain of separation by a very frequent and most unreserved correspondence . i depend on you for that . to these highflown expressions elizabeth listened with all the insensibility of distrust and though the suddenness of their removal surprised her , she saw nothing in it really to lament it was not to be supposed that their absence from netherfield would prevent mr . bingleys being there and as to the loss of their society , she was persuaded that jane must cease to regard it , in the enjoyment of his . it is unlucky , said she , after a short pause , that you should not be able to see your friends before they leave the country . but may we not hope that the period of future happiness to which miss bingley looks forward may arrive earlier than she is aware , and that the delightful intercourse you have known as friends will be renewed with yet greater satisfaction as sisters . mr . bingley will not be detained in london by them . caroline decidedly says that none of the party will return into hertfordshire this winter . i will read it to you when my brother left us yesterday , he imagined that the business which took him to london might be concluded in three or four days but as we are certain it cannot be so , and at the same time convinced that when charles gets to town he will be in no hurry to leave it again , we have determined on following him thither , that he may not be obliged to spend his vacant hours in a comfortless hotel . many of my acquaintances are already there for the winter i wish that i could hear that you , my dearest friend , had any intention of making one of the crowd  of that i despair . i sincerely hope your christmas in hertfordshire may abound in the gaieties which that season generally brings , and that your beaux will be so numerous as to prevent your feeling the loss of the three of whom we shall deprive you . it is evident by this , added jane , that he comes back no more this winter . it is only evident that miss bingley does not mean that he should . why will you think so . it must be his own doing . he is his own master . but you do not know all . i will read you the passage which particularly hurts me . i will have no reserves from you . mr . darcy is impatient to see his sister and , to confess the truth , we are scarcely less eager to meet her again . i really do not think georgiana darcy has her equal for beauty , elegance , and accomplishments and the affection she inspires in louisa and myself is heightened into something still more interesting , from the hope we dare entertain of her being hereafter our sister . i do not know whether i ever before mentioned to you my feelings on this subject but i will not leave the country without confiding them , and i trust you will not esteem them unreasonable . my brother admires her greatly already he will have frequent opportunity now of seeing her on the most intimate footing her relations all wish the connection as much as his own and a sisters partiality is not misleading me , i think , when i call charles most capable of engaging any womans heart . with all these circumstances to favour an attachment , and nothing to prevent it , am i wrong , my dearest jane , in indulging the hope of an event which will secure the happiness of so many . what do you think of this sentence , my dear lizzy . said jane as she finished it . is it not clear enough . does it not expressly declare that caroline neither expects nor wishes me to be her sister that she is perfectly convinced of her brothers indifference and that if she suspects the nature of my feelings for him , she means to put me on my guard . can there be any other opinion on the subject . yes , there can for mine is totally different . will you hear it . most willingly . you shall have it in a few words . miss bingley sees that her brother is in love with you , and wants him to marry miss darcy . she follows him to town in hope of keeping him there , and tries to persuade you that he does not care about you . jane shook her head . indeed , jane , you ought to believe me . no one who has ever seen you together can doubt his affection . miss bingley , i am sure , cannot . she is not such a simpleton . could she have seen half as much love in mr . darcy for herself , she would have ordered her wedding clothes . but the case is this we are not rich enough or grand enough for them and she is the more anxious to get miss darcy for her brother , from the notion that when there has been one intermarriage , she may have less trouble in achieving a second in which there is certainly some ingenuity , and i dare say it would succeed , if miss de bourgh were out of the way . but , my dearest jane , you cannot seriously imagine that because miss bingley tells you her brother greatly admires miss darcy , he is in the smallest degree less sensible of your merit than when he took leave of you on tuesday , or that it will be in her power to persuade him that , instead of being in love with you , he is very much in love with her friend . if we thought alike of miss bingley , replied jane , your representation of all this might make me quite easy . but i know the foundation is unjust . caroline is incapable of wilfully deceiving anyone and all that i can hope in this case is that she is deceiving herself . that is right . you could not have started a more happy idea , since you will not take comfort in mine . believe her to be deceived , by all means . you have now done your duty by her , and must fret no longer . but , my dear sister , can i be happy , even supposing the best , in accepting a man whose sisters and friends are all wishing him to marry elsewhere . you must decide for yourself , said elizabeth and if , upon mature deliberation , you find that the misery of disobliging his two sisters is more than equivalent to the happiness of being his wife , i advise you by all means to refuse him . how can you talk so . said jane , faintly smiling . you must know that though i should be exceedingly grieved at their disapprobation , i could not hesitate . i did not think you would and that being the case , i cannot consider your situation with much compassion . but if he returns no more this winter , my choice will never be required . a thousand things may arise in six months . the idea of his returning no more elizabeth treated with the utmost contempt . it appeared to her merely the suggestion of carolines interested wishes , and she could not for a moment suppose that those wishes , however openly or artfully spoken , could influence a young man so totally independent of everyone . she represented to her sister as forcibly as possible what she felt on the subject , and had soon the pleasure of seeing its happy effect . janes temper was not desponding , and she was gradually led to hope , though the diffidence of affection sometimes overcame the hope , that bingley would return to netherfield and answer every wish of her heart . they agreed that mrs . bennet should only hear of the departure of the family , without being alarmed on the score of the gentlemans conduct but even this partial communication gave her a great deal of concern , and she bewailed it as exceedingly unlucky that the ladies should happen to go away just as they were all getting so intimate together . after lamenting it , however , at some length , she had the consolation that mr . bingley would be soon down again and soon dining at longbourn , and the conclusion of all was the comfortable declaration , that though he had been invited only to a family dinner , she would take care to have two full courses . chapter the bennets were engaged to dine with the lucases and again during the chief of the day was miss lucas so kind as to listen to mr . collins . elizabeth took an opportunity of thanking her . it keeps him in good humour , said she , and i am more obliged to you than i can express . charlotte assured her friend of her satisfaction in being useful , and that it amply repaid her for the little sacrifice of her time . this was very amiable , but charlottes kindness extended farther than elizabeth had any conception of its object was nothing else than to secure her from any return of mr . collinss addresses , by engaging them towards herself . such was miss lucass scheme and appearances were so favourable , that when they parted at night , she would have felt almost secure of success if he had not been to leave hertfordshire so very soon . but here she did injustice to the fire and independence of his character , for it led him to escape out of longbourn house the next morning with admirable slyness , and hasten to lucas lodge to throw himself at her feet . he was anxious to avoid the notice of his cousins , from a conviction that if they saw him depart , they could not fail to conjecture his design , and he was not willing to have the attempt known till its success might be known likewise for though feeling almost secure , and with reason , for charlotte had been tolerably encouraging , he was comparatively diffident since the adventure of wednesday . his reception , however , was of the most flattering kind . miss lucas perceived him from an upper window as he walked towards the house , and instantly set out to meet him accidentally in the lane . but little had she dared to hope that so much love and eloquence awaited her there . in as short a time as mr . collinss long speeches would allow , everything was settled between them to the satisfaction of both and as they entered the house he earnestly entreated her to name the day that was to make him the happiest of men and though such a solicitation must be waived for the present , the lady felt no inclination to trifle with his happiness . the stupidity with which he was favoured by nature must guard his courtship from any charm that could make a woman wish for its continuance and miss lucas , who accepted him solely from the pure and disinterested desire of an establishment , cared not how soon that establishment were gained . sir william and lady lucas were speedily applied to for their consent and it was bestowed with a most joyful alacrity . mr . collinss present circumstances made it a most eligible match for their daughter , to whom they could give little fortune and his prospects of future wealth were exceedingly fair . lady lucas began directly to calculate , with more interest than the matter had ever excited before , how many years longer mr . bennet was likely to live and sir william gave it as his decided opinion , that whenever mr . collins should be in possession of the longbourn estate , it would be highly expedient that both he and his wife should make their appearance at st . jamess . the whole family , in short , were properly overjoyed on the occasion . the younger girls formed hopes of coming out a year or two sooner than they might otherwise have done and the boys were relieved from their apprehension of charlottes dying an old maid . charlotte herself was tolerably composed . she had gained her point , and had time to consider of it . her reflections were in general satisfactory . mr . collins , to be sure , was neither sensible nor agreeable his society was irksome , and his attachment to her must be imaginary . but still he would be her husband . without thinking highly either of men or matrimony , marriage had always been her object it was the only provision for well educated young women of small fortune , and however uncertain of giving happiness , must be their pleasantest preservative from want . this preservative she had now obtained and at the age of twenty seven, , without having ever been handsome , she felt all the good luck of it . the least agreeable circumstance in the business was the surprise it must occasion to elizabeth bennet , whose friendship she valued beyond that of any other person . elizabeth would wonder , and probably would blame her and though her resolution was not to be shaken , her feelings must be hurt by such a disapprobation . she resolved to give her the information herself , and therefore charged mr . collins , when he returned to longbourn to dinner , to drop no hint of what had passed before any of the family . a promise of secrecy was of course very dutifully given , but it could not be kept without difficulty for the curiosity excited by his long absence burst forth in such very direct questions on his return as required some ingenuity to evade , and he was at the same time exercising great self denial, , for he was longing to publish his prosperous love . as he was to begin his journey too early on the morrow to see any of the family , the ceremony of leave taking was performed when the ladies moved for the night and mrs . bennet , with great politeness and cordiality , said how happy they should be to see him at longbourn again , whenever his engagements might allow him to visit them . my dear madam , he replied , this invitation is particularly gratifying , because it is what i have been hoping to receive and you may be very certain that i shall avail myself of it as soon as possible . they were all astonished and mr . bennet , who could by no means wish for so speedy a return , immediately said but is there not danger of lady catherines disapprobation here , my good sir . you had better neglect your relations than run the risk of offending your patroness . my dear sir , replied mr . collins , i am particularly obliged to you for this friendly caution , and you may depend upon my not taking so material a step without her ladyships concurrence . you cannot be too much upon your guard . risk anything rather than her displeasure and if you find it likely to be raised by your coming to us again , which i should think exceedingly probable , stay quietly at home , and be satisfied that we shall take no offence . believe me , my dear sir , my gratitude is warmly excited by such affectionate attention and depend upon it , you will speedily receive from me a letter of thanks for this , and for every other mark of your regard during my stay in hertfordshire . as for my fair cousins , though my absence may not be long enough to render it necessary , i shall now take the liberty of wishing them health and happiness , not excepting my cousin elizabeth . with proper civilities the ladies then withdrew all of them equally surprised that he meditated a quick return . mrs . bennet wished to understand by it that he thought of paying his addresses to one of her younger girls , and mary might have been prevailed on to accept him . she rated his abilities much higher than any of the others there was a solidity in his reflections which often struck her , and though by no means so clever as herself , she thought that if encouraged to read and improve himself by such an example as hers , he might become a very agreeable companion . but on the following morning , every hope of this kind was done away . miss lucas called soon after breakfast , and in a private conference with elizabeth related the event of the day before . the possibility of mr . collinss fancying himself in love with her friend had once occurred to elizabeth within the last day or two but that charlotte could encourage him seemed almost as far from possibility as she could encourage him herself , and her astonishment was consequently so great as to overcome at first the bounds of decorum , and she could not help crying out engaged to mr . collins . my dear charlotte  . the steady countenance which miss lucas had commanded in telling her story , gave way to a momentary confusion here on receiving so direct a reproach though , as it was no more than she expected , she soon regained her composure , and calmly replied why should you be surprised , my dear eliza . do you think it incredible that mr . collins should be able to procure any womans good opinion , because he was not so happy as to succeed with you . but elizabeth had now recollected herself , and making a strong effort for it , was able to assure with tolerable firmness that the prospect of their relationship was highly grateful to her , and that she wished her all imaginable happiness . i see what you are feeling , replied charlotte . you must be surprised , very much surprised  lately as mr . collins was wishing to marry you . but when you have had time to think it over , i hope you will be satisfied with what i have done . i am not romantic , you know i never was . i ask only a comfortable home and considering mr . collinss character , connection , and situation in life , i am convinced that my chance of happiness with him is as fair as most people can boast on entering the marriage state . elizabeth quietly answered undoubtedly and after an awkward pause , they returned to the rest of the family . charlotte did not stay much longer , and elizabeth was then left to reflect on what she had heard . it was a long time before she became at all reconciled to the idea of so unsuitable a match . the strangeness of mr . collinss making two offers of marriage within three days was nothing in comparison of his being now accepted . she had always felt that charlottes opinion of matrimony was not exactly like her own , but she had not supposed it to be possible that , when called into action , she would have sacrificed every better feeling to worldly advantage . charlotte the wife of mr . collins was a most humiliating picture . and to the pang of a friend disgracing herself and sunk in her esteem , was added the distressing conviction that it was impossible for that friend to be tolerably happy in the lot she had chosen . chapter elizabeth was sitting with her mother and sisters , reflecting on what she had heard , and doubting whether she was authorised to mention it , when sir william lucas himself appeared , sent by his daughter , to announce her engagement to the family . with many compliments to them , and much self gratulation on the prospect of a connection between the houses , he unfolded the matter  an audience not merely wondering , but incredulous for mrs . bennet , with more perseverance than politeness , protested he must be entirely mistaken and lydia , always unguarded and often uncivil , boisterously exclaimed good lord . sir william , how can you tell such a story . do not you know that mr . collins wants to marry lizzy . nothing less than the complaisance of a courtier could have borne without anger such treatment but sir williams good breeding carried him through it all and though he begged leave to be positive as to the truth of his information , he listened to all their impertinence with the most forbearing courtesy . elizabeth , feeling it incumbent on her to relieve him from so unpleasant a situation , now put herself forward to confirm his account , by mentioning her prior knowledge of it from charlotte herself and endeavoured to put a stop to the exclamations of her mother and sisters by the earnestness of her congratulations to sir william , in which she was readily joined by jane , and by making a variety of remarks on the happiness that might be expected from the match , the excellent character of mr . collins , and the convenient distance of hunsford from london . mrs . bennet was in fact too much overpowered to say a great deal while sir william remained but no sooner had he left them than her feelings found a rapid vent . in the first place , she persisted in disbelieving the whole of the matter secondly , she was very sure that mr . collins had been taken in thirdly , she trusted that they would never be happy together and fourthly , that the match might be broken off . two inferences , however , were plainly deduced from the whole one , that elizabeth was the real cause of the mischief and the other that she herself had been barbarously misused by them all and on these two points she principally dwelt during the rest of the day . nothing could console and nothing could appease her . nor did that day wear out her resentment . a week elapsed before she could see elizabeth without scolding her , a month passed away before she could speak to sir william or lady lucas without being rude , and many months were gone before she could at all forgive their daughter . mr . bennets emotions were much more tranquil on the occasion , and such as he did experience he pronounced to be of a most agreeable sort for it gratified him , he said , to discover that charlotte lucas , whom he had been used to think tolerably sensible , was as foolish as his wife , and more foolish than his daughter . jane confessed herself a little surprised at the match but she said less of her astonishment than of her earnest desire for their happiness nor could elizabeth persuade her to consider it as improbable . kitty and lydia were far from envying miss lucas , for mr . collins was only a clergyman and it affected them in no other way than as a piece of news to spread at meryton . lady lucas could not be insensible of triumph on being able to retort on mrs . bennet the comfort of having a daughter well married and she called at longbourn rather oftener than usual to say how happy she was , though mrs . bennets sour looks and ill natured remarks might have been enough to drive happiness away . between elizabeth and charlotte there was a restraint which kept them mutually silent on the subject and elizabeth felt persuaded that no real confidence could ever subsist between them again . her disappointment in charlotte made her turn with fonder regard to her sister , of whose rectitude and delicacy she was sure her opinion could never be shaken , and for whose happiness she grew daily more anxious , as bingley had now been gone a week and nothing more was heard of his return . jane had sent caroline an early answer to her letter , and was counting the days till she might reasonably hope to hear again . the promised letter of thanks from mr . collins arrived on tuesday , addressed to their father , and written with all the solemnity of gratitude which a twelvemonths abode in the family might have prompted . after discharging his conscience on that head , he proceeded to inform them , with many rapturous expressions , of his happiness in having obtained the affection of their amiable neighbour , miss lucas , and then explained that it was merely with the view of enjoying her society that he had been so ready to close with their kind wish of seeing him again at longbourn , whither he hoped to be able to return on monday fortnight for lady catherine , he added , so heartily approved his marriage , that she wished it to take place as soon as possible , which he trusted would be an unanswerable argument with his amiable charlotte to name an early day for making him the happiest of men . mr . collinss return into hertfordshire was no longer a matter of pleasure to mrs . bennet . on the contrary , she was as much disposed to complain of it as her husband . it was very strange that he should come to longbourn instead of to lucas lodge it was also very inconvenient and exceedingly troublesome . she hated having visitors in the house while her health was so indifferent , and lovers were of all people the most disagreeable . such were the gentle murmurs of mrs . bennet , and they gave way only to the greater distress of mr . bingleys continued absence . neither jane nor elizabeth were comfortable on this subject . day after day passed away without bringing any other tidings of him than the report which shortly prevailed in meryton of his coming no more to netherfield the whole winter a report which highly incensed mrs . bennet , and which she never failed to contradict as a most scandalous falsehood . even elizabeth began to fear  that bingley was indifferent  that his sisters would be successful in keeping him away . unwilling as she was to admit an idea so destructive of janes happiness , and so dishonorable to the stability of her lover , she could not prevent its frequently occurring . the united efforts of his two unfeeling sisters and of his overpowering friend , assisted by the attractions of miss darcy and the amusements of london might be too much , she feared , for the strength of his attachment . as for jane , her anxiety under this suspense was , of course , more painful than elizabeths , but whatever she felt she was desirous of concealing , and between herself and elizabeth , therefore , the subject was never alluded to . but as no such delicacy restrained her mother , an hour seldom passed in which she did not talk of bingley , express her impatience for his arrival , or even require jane to confess that if he did not come back she would think herself very ill used . it needed all janes steady mildness to bear these attacks with tolerable tranquillity . mr . collins returned most punctually on monday fortnight , but his reception at longbourn was not quite so gracious as it had been on his first introduction . he was too happy , however , to need much attention and luckily for the others , the business of love making relieved them from a great deal of his company . the chief of every day was spent by him at lucas lodge , and he sometimes returned to longbourn only in time to make an apology for his absence before the family went to bed . mrs . bennet was really in a most pitiable state . the very mention of anything concerning the match threw her into an agony of ill humour, , and wherever she went she was sure of hearing it talked of . the sight of miss lucas was odious to her . as her successor in that house , she regarded her with jealous abhorrence . whenever charlotte came to see them , she concluded her to be anticipating the hour of possession and whenever she spoke in a low voice to mr . collins , was convinced that they were talking of the longbourn estate , and resolving to turn herself and her daughters out of the house , as soon as mr . bennet were dead . she complained bitterly of all this to her husband . indeed , mr . bennet , said she , it is very hard to think that charlotte lucas should ever be mistress of this house , that i should be forced to make way for her , and live to see her take her place in it . my dear , do not give way to such gloomy thoughts . let us hope for better things . let us flatter ourselves that i may be the survivor . this was not very consoling to mrs . bennet , and therefore , instead of making any answer , she went on as before . i cannot bear to think that they should have all this estate . if it was not for the entail , i should not mind it . what should not you mind . i should not mind anything at all . let us be thankful that you are preserved from a state of such insensibility . i never can be thankful , mr . bennet , for anything about the entail . how anyone could have the conscience to entail away an estate from ones own daughters , i cannot understand and all for the sake of mr . collins too . why should he have it more than anybody else . i leave it to yourself to determine , said mr . bennet . chapter miss bingleys letter arrived , and put an end to doubt . the very first sentence conveyed the assurance of their being all settled in london for the winter , and concluded with her brothers regret at not having had time to pay his respects to his friends in hertfordshire before he left the country . hope was over , entirely over and when jane could attend to the rest of the letter , she found little , except the professed affection of the writer , that could give her any comfort . miss darcys praise occupied the chief of it . her many attractions were again dwelt on , and caroline boasted joyfully of their increasing intimacy , and ventured to predict the accomplishment of the wishes which had been unfolded in her former letter . she wrote also with great pleasure of her brothers being an inmate of mr . darcys house , and mentioned with raptures some plans of the latter with regard to new furniture . elizabeth , to whom jane very soon communicated the chief of all this , heard it in silent indignation . her heart was divided between concern for her sister , and resentment against all others . to carolines assertion of her brothers being partial to miss darcy she paid no credit . that he was really fond of jane , she doubted no more than she had ever done and much as she had always been disposed to like him , she could not think without anger , hardly without contempt , on that easiness of temper , that want of proper resolution , which now made him the slave of his designing friends , and led him to sacrifice of his own happiness to the caprice of their inclination . had his own happiness , however , been the only sacrifice , he might have been allowed to sport with it in whatever manner he thought best , but her sisters was involved in it , as she thought he must be sensible himself . it was a subject , in short , on which reflection would be long indulged , and must be unavailing . she could think of nothing else and yet whether bingleys regard had really died away , or were suppressed by his friends interference whether he had been aware of janes attachment , or whether it had escaped his observation whatever were the case , though her opinion of him must be materially affected by the difference , her sisters situation remained the same , her peace equally wounded . a day or two passed before jane had courage to speak of her feelings to elizabeth but at last , on mrs . bennets leaving them together , after a longer irritation than usual about netherfield and its master , she could not help saying oh , that my dear mother had more command over herself . she can have no idea of the pain she gives me by her continual reflections on him . but i will not repine . it cannot last long . he will be forgot , and we shall all be as we were before . elizabeth looked at her sister with incredulous solicitude , but said nothing . you doubt me , cried jane , slightly colouring indeed , you have no reason . he may live in my memory as the most amiable man of my acquaintance , but that is all . i have nothing either to hope or fear , and nothing to reproach him with . thank god . i have not that pain . a little time , therefore  shall certainly try to get the better . with a stronger voice she soon added , i have this comfort immediately , that it has not been more than an error of fancy on my side , and that it has done no harm to anyone but myself . my dear jane . exclaimed elizabeth , you are too good . your sweetness and disinterestedness are really angelic i do not know what to say to you . i feel as if i had never done you justice , or loved you as you deserve . miss bennet eagerly disclaimed all extraordinary merit , and threw back the praise on her sisters warm affection . nay , said elizabeth , this is not fair . you wish to think all the world respectable , and are hurt if i speak ill of anybody . i only want to think you perfect , and you set yourself against it . do not be afraid of my running into any excess , of my encroaching on your privilege of universal good will . you need not . there are few people whom i really love , and still fewer of whom i think well . the more i see of the world , the more am i dissatisfied with it and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters , and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense . i have met with two instances lately , one i will not mention the other is charlottes marriage . it is unaccountable . in every view it is unaccountable . my dear lizzy , do not give way to such feelings as these . they will ruin your happiness . you do not make allowance enough for difference of situation and temper . consider mr . collinss respectability , and charlottes steady , prudent character . remember that she is one of a large family that as to fortune , it is a most eligible match and be ready to believe , for everybodys sake , that she may feel something like regard and esteem for our cousin . to oblige you , i would try to believe almost anything , but no one else could be benefited by such a belief as this for were i persuaded that charlotte had any regard for him , i should only think worse of her understanding than i now do of her heart . my dear jane , mr . collins is a conceited , pompous , narrow minded, , silly man you know he is , as well as i do and you must feel , as well as i do , that the woman who married him cannot have a proper way of thinking . you shall not defend her , though it is charlotte lucas . you shall not , for the sake of one individual , change the meaning of principle and integrity , nor endeavour to persuade yourself or me , that selfishness is prudence , and insensibility of danger security for happiness . i must think your language too strong in speaking of both , replied jane and i hope you will be convinced of it by seeing them happy together . but enough of this . you alluded to something else . you mentioned two instances . i cannot misunderstand you , but i entreat you , dear lizzy , not to pain me by thinking that person to blame , and saying your opinion of him is sunk . we must not be so ready to fancy ourselves intentionally injured . we must not expect a lively young man to be always so guarded and circumspect . it is very often nothing but our own vanity that deceives us . women fancy admiration means more than it does . and men take care that they should . if it is designedly done , they cannot be justified but i have no idea of there being so much design in the world as some persons imagine . i am far from attributing any part of mr . bingleys conduct to design , said elizabeth but without scheming to do wrong , or to make others unhappy , there may be error , and there may be misery . thoughtlessness , want of attention to other peoples feelings , and want of resolution , will do the business . and do you impute it to either of those . yes to the last . but if i go on , i shall displease you by saying what i think of persons you esteem . stop me whilst you can . you persist , then , in supposing his sisters influence him . yes , in conjunction with his friend . i cannot believe it . why should they try to influence him . they can only wish his happiness and if he is attached to me , no other woman can secure it . your first position is false . they may wish many things besides his happiness they may wish his increase of wealth and consequence they may wish him to marry a girl who has all the importance of money , great connections , and pride . beyond a doubt , they do wish him to choose miss darcy , replied jane but this may be from better feelings than you are supposing . they have known her much longer than they have known me no wonder if they love her better . but , whatever may be their own wishes , it is very unlikely they should have opposed their brothers . what sister would think herself at liberty to do it , unless there were something very objectionable . if they believed him attached to me , they would not try to part us if he were so , they could not succeed . by supposing such an affection , you make everybody acting unnaturally and wrong , and me most unhappy . do not distress me by the idea . i am not ashamed of having been mistaken  , at least , it is light , it is nothing in comparison of what i should feel in thinking ill of him or his sisters . let me take it in the best light , in the light in which it may be understood . elizabeth could not oppose such a wish and from this time mr . bingleys name was scarcely ever mentioned between them . mrs . bennet still continued to wonder and repine at his returning no more , and though a day seldom passed in which elizabeth did not account for it clearly , there was little chance of her ever considering it with less perplexity . her daughter endeavoured to convince her of what she did not believe herself , that his attentions to jane had been merely the effect of a common and transient liking , which ceased when he saw her no more but though the probability of the statement was admitted at the time , she had the same story to repeat every day . mrs . bennets best comfort was that mr . bingley must be down again in the summer . mr . bennet treated the matter differently . so , lizzy , said he one day , your sister is crossed in love , i find . i congratulate her . next to being married , a girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then . it is something to think of , and it gives her a sort of distinction among her companions . when is your turn to come . you will hardly bear to be long outdone by jane . now is your time . here are officers enough in meryton to disappoint all the young ladies in the country . let wickham be your man . he is a pleasant fellow , and would jilt you creditably . thank you , sir , but a less agreeable man would satisfy me . we must not all expect janes good fortune . true , said mr . bennet , but it is a comfort to think that whatever of that kind may befall you , have an affectionate mother who will make the most of it . mr . wickhams society was of material service in dispelling the gloom which the late perverse occurrences had thrown on many of the longbourn family . they saw him often , and to his other recommendations was now added that of general unreserve . the whole of what elizabeth had already heard , his claims on mr . darcy , and all that he had suffered from him , was now openly acknowledged and publicly canvassed and everybody was pleased to know how much they had always disliked mr . darcy before they had known anything of the matter . miss bennet was the only creature who could suppose there might be any extenuating circumstances in the case , unknown to the society of hertfordshire her mild and steady candour always pleaded for allowances , and urged the possibility of mistakes  by everybody else mr . darcy was condemned as the worst of men . chapter after a week spent in professions of love and schemes of felicity , mr . collins was called from his amiable charlotte by the arrival of saturday . the pain of separation , however , might be alleviated on his side , by preparations for the reception of his bride as he had reason to hope , that shortly after his return into hertfordshire , the day would be fixed that was to make him the happiest of men . he took leave of his relations at longbourn with as much solemnity as before wished his fair cousins health and happiness again , and promised their father another letter of thanks . on the following monday , mrs . bennet had the pleasure of receiving her brother and his wife , who came as usual to spend the christmas at longbourn . mr . gardiner was a sensible , gentlemanlike man , greatly superior to his sister , as well by nature as education . the netherfield ladies would have had difficulty in believing that a man who lived by trade , and within view of his own warehouses , could have been so well bred and agreeable . mrs . gardiner , who was several years younger than mrs . bennet and mrs . phillips , was an amiable , intelligent , elegant woman , and a great favourite with all her longbourn nieces . between the two eldest and herself especially , there subsisted a particular regard . they had frequently been staying with her in town . the first part of mrs . gardiners business on her arrival was to distribute her presents and describe the newest fashions . when this was done she had a less active part to play . it became her turn to listen . mrs . bennet had many grievances to relate , and much to complain of . they had all been very ill used since she last saw her sister . two of her girls had been upon the point of marriage , and after all there was nothing in it . i do not blame jane , she continued , for jane would have got mr . bingley if she could . but lizzy . oh , sister . it is very hard to think that she might have been mr . collinss wife by this time , had it not been for her own perverseness . he made her an offer in this very room , and she refused him . the consequence of it is , that lady lucas will have a daughter married before i have , and that the longbourn estate is just as much entailed as ever . the lucases are very artful people indeed , sister . they are all for what they can get . i am sorry to say it of them , but so it is . it makes me very nervous and poorly , to be thwarted so in my own family , and to have neighbours who think of themselves before anybody else . however , your coming just at this time is the greatest of comforts , and i am very glad to hear what you tell us , of long sleeves . mrs . gardiner , to whom the chief of this news had been given before , in the course of jane and elizabeths correspondence with her , made her sister a slight answer , and , in compassion to her nieces , turned the conversation . when alone with elizabeth afterwards , she spoke more on the subject . it seems likely to have been a desirable match for jane , said she . i am sorry it went off . but these things happen so often . a young man , such as you describe mr . bingley , so easily falls in love with a pretty girl for a few weeks , and when accident separates them , so easily forgets her , that these sort of inconsistencies are very frequent . an excellent consolation in its way , said elizabeth , but it will not do for us . we do not suffer by accident . it does not often happen that the interference of friends will persuade a young man of independent fortune to think no more of a girl whom he was violently in love with only a few days before . but that expression of violently in love is so hackneyed , so doubtful , so indefinite , that it gives me very little idea . it is as often applied to feelings which arise from a half hours acquaintance , as to a real , strong attachment . pray , how violent was mr . bingleys love . i never saw a more promising inclination he was growing quite inattentive to other people , and wholly engrossed by her . every time they met , it was more decided and remarkable . at his own ball he offended two or three young ladies , by not asking them to dance and i spoke to him twice myself , without receiving an answer . could there be finer symptoms . is not general incivility the very essence of love . oh , yes . that kind of love which i suppose him to have felt . poor jane . i am sorry for her , because , with her disposition , she may not get over it immediately . it had better have happened to you , lizzy you would have laughed yourself out of it sooner . but do you think she would be prevailed upon to go back with us . change of scene might be of service  perhaps a little relief from home may be as useful as anything . elizabeth was exceedingly pleased with this proposal , and felt persuaded of her sisters ready acquiescence . i hope , added mrs . gardiner , that no consideration with regard to this young man will influence her . we live in so different a part of town , all our connections are so different , and , as you well know , we go out so little , that it is very improbable that they should meet at all , unless he really comes to see her . and that is quite impossible for he is now in the custody of his friend , and mr . darcy would no more suffer him to call on jane in such a part of london . my dear aunt , how could you think of it . mr . darcy may perhaps have heard of such a place as gracechurch street , but he would hardly think a months ablution enough to cleanse him from its impurities , were he once to enter it and depend upon it , mr . bingley never stirs without him . so much the better . i hope they will not meet at all . but does not jane correspond with his sister . she will not be able to help calling . she will drop the acquaintance entirely . but in spite of the certainty in which elizabeth affected to place this point , as well as the still more interesting one of bingleys being withheld from seeing jane , she felt a solicitude on the subject which convinced her , on examination , that she did not consider it entirely hopeless . it was possible , and sometimes she thought it probable , that his affection might be reanimated , and the influence of his friends successfully combated by the more natural influence of janes attractions . miss bennet accepted her aunts invitation with pleasure and the bingleys were no otherwise in her thoughts at the same time , than as she hoped by carolines not living in the same house with her brother , she might occasionally spend a morning with her , without any danger of seeing him . the gardiners stayed a week at longbourn and what with the phillipses , the lucases , and the officers , there was not a day without its engagement . mrs . bennet had so carefully provided for the entertainment of her brother and sister , that they did not once sit down to a family dinner . when the engagement was for home , some of the officers always made part of it  which officers mr . wickham was sure to be one and on these occasions , mrs . gardiner , rendered suspicious by elizabeths warm commendation , narrowly observed them both . without supposing them , from what she saw , to be very seriously in love , their preference of each other was plain enough to make her a little uneasy and she resolved to speak to elizabeth on the subject before she left hertfordshire , and represent to her the imprudence of encouraging such an attachment . to mrs . gardiner , wickham had one means of affording pleasure , unconnected with his general powers . about ten or a dozen years ago , before her marriage , she had spent a considerable time in that very part of derbyshire to which he belonged . they had , therefore , many acquaintances in common and though wickham had been little there since the death of darcys father , it was yet in his power to give her fresher intelligence of her former friends than she had been in the way of procuring . mrs . gardiner had seen pemberley , and known the late mr . darcy by character perfectly well . here consequently was an inexhaustible subject of discourse . in comparing her recollection of pemberley with the minute description which wickham could give , and in bestowing her tribute of praise on the character of its late possessor , she was delighting both him and herself . on being made acquainted with the present mr . darcys treatment of him , she tried to remember some of that gentlemans reputed disposition when quite a lad which might agree with it , and was confident at last that she recollected having heard mr . fitzwilliam darcy formerly spoken of as a very proud , ill natured boy . chapter mrs . gardiners caution to elizabeth was punctually and kindly given on the first favourable opportunity of speaking to her alone after honestly telling her what she thought , she thus went on you are too sensible a girl , lizzy , to fall in love merely because you are warned against it and , therefore , i am not afraid of speaking openly . seriously , i would have you be on your guard . do not involve yourself or endeavour to involve him in an affection which the want of fortune would make so very imprudent . i have nothing to say against him he is a most interesting young man and if he had the fortune he ought to have , i should think you could not do better . but as it is , you must not let your fancy run away with you . you have sense , and we all expect you to use it . your father would depend on your resolution and good conduct , i am sure . you must not disappoint your father . my dear aunt , this is being serious indeed . yes , and i hope to engage you to be serious likewise . well , then , you need not be under any alarm . i will take care of myself , and of mr . wickham too . he shall not be in love with me , if i can prevent it . elizabeth , you are not serious now . i beg your pardon , i will try again . at present i am not in love with mr . wickham no , i certainly am not . but he is , beyond all comparison , the most agreeable man i ever saw  if he becomes really attached to me  believe it will be better that he should not . i see the imprudence of it . oh . that abominable mr . darcy . my fathers opinion of me does me the greatest honour , and i should be miserable to forfeit it . my father , however , is partial to mr . wickham . in short , my dear aunt , i should be very sorry to be the means of making any of you unhappy but since we see every day that where there is affection , young people are seldom withheld by immediate want of fortune from entering into engagements with each other , how can i promise to be wiser than so many of my fellow creatures if i am tempted , or how am i even to know that it would be wisdom to resist . all that i can promise you , therefore , is not to be in a hurry . i will not be in a hurry to believe myself his first object . when i am in company with him , i will not be wishing . in short , i will do my best . perhaps it will be as well if you discourage his coming here so very often . at least , you should not remind your mother of inviting him . as i did the other day , said elizabeth with a conscious smile very true , it will be wise in me to refrain from that . but do not imagine that he is always here so often . it is on your account that he has been so frequently invited this week . you know my mothers ideas as to the necessity of constant company for her friends . but really , and upon my honour , i will try to do what i think to be the wisest and now i hope you are satisfied . her aunt assured her that she was , and elizabeth having thanked her for the kindness of her hints , they parted a wonderful instance of advice being given on such a point , without being resented . mr . collins returned into hertfordshire soon after it had been quitted by the gardiners and jane but as he took up his abode with the lucases , his arrival was no great inconvenience to mrs . bennet . his marriage was now fast approaching , and she was at length so far resigned as to think it inevitable , and even repeatedly to say , in an ill natured tone , that she wished they might be happy . thursday was to be the wedding day , and on wednesday miss lucas paid her farewell visit and when she rose to take leave , elizabeth , ashamed of her mothers ungracious and reluctant good wishes , and sincerely affected herself , accompanied her out of the room . as they went downstairs together , charlotte said i shall depend on hearing from you very often , eliza . that you certainly shall . and i have another favour to ask you . will you come and see me . we shall often meet , i hope , in hertfordshire . i am not likely to leave kent for some time . promise me , therefore , to come to hunsford . elizabeth could not refuse , though she foresaw little pleasure in the visit . my father and maria are coming to me in march , added charlotte , and i hope you will consent to be of the party . indeed , eliza , you will be as welcome as either of them . the wedding took place the bride and bridegroom set off for kent from the church door , and everybody had as much to say , or to hear , on the subject as usual . elizabeth soon heard from her friend and their correspondence was as regular and frequent as it had ever been that it should be equally unreserved was impossible . elizabeth could never address her without feeling that all the comfort of intimacy was over , and though determined not to slacken as a correspondent , it was for the sake of what had been , rather than what was . charlottes first letters were received with a good deal of eagerness there could not but be curiosity to know how she would speak of her new home , how she would like lady catherine , and how happy she would dare pronounce herself to be though , when the letters were read , elizabeth felt that charlotte expressed herself on every point exactly as she might have foreseen . she wrote cheerfully , seemed surrounded with comforts , and mentioned nothing which she could not praise . the house , furniture , neighbourhood , and roads , were all to her taste , and lady catherines behaviour was most friendly and obliging . it was mr . collinss picture of hunsford and rosings rationally softened and elizabeth perceived that she must wait for her own visit there to know the rest . jane had already written a few lines to her sister to announce their safe arrival in london and when she wrote again , elizabeth hoped it would be in her power to say something of the bingleys . her impatience for this second letter was as well rewarded as impatience generally is . jane had been a week in town without either seeing or hearing from caroline . she accounted for it , however , by supposing that her last letter to her friend from longbourn had by some accident been lost . my aunt , she continued , is going to morrow into that part of the town , and i shall take the opportunity of calling in grosvenor street . she wrote again when the visit was paid , and she had seen miss bingley . i did not think caroline in spirits , were her words , but she was very glad to see me , and reproached me for giving her no notice of my coming to london . i was right , therefore , my last letter had never reached her . i inquired after their brother , of course . he was well , but so much engaged with mr . darcy that they scarcely ever saw him . i found that miss darcy was expected to dinner . i wish i could see her . my visit was not long , as caroline and mrs . hurst were going out . i dare say i shall see them soon here . elizabeth shook her head over this letter . it convinced her that accident only could discover to mr . bingley her sisters being in town . four weeks passed away , and jane saw nothing of him . she endeavoured to persuade herself that she did not regret it but she could no longer be blind to miss bingleys inattention . after waiting at home every morning for a fortnight , and inventing every evening a fresh excuse for her , the visitor did at last appear but the shortness of her stay , and yet more , the alteration of her manner would allow jane to deceive herself no longer . the letter which she wrote on this occasion to her sister will prove what she felt . my dearest lizzy will , i am sure , be incapable of triumphing in her better judgement , at my expense , when i confess myself to have been entirely deceived in miss bingleys regard for me . but , my dear sister , though the event has proved you right , do not think me obstinate if i still assert that , considering what her behaviour was , my confidence was as natural as your suspicion . i do not at all comprehend her reason for wishing to be intimate with me but if the same circumstances were to happen again , i am sure i should be deceived again . caroline did not return my visit till yesterday and not a note , not a line , did i receive in the meantime . when she did come , it was very evident that she had no pleasure in it she made a slight , formal apology , for not calling before , said not a word of wishing to see me again , and was in every respect so altered a creature , that when she went away i was perfectly resolved to continue the acquaintance no longer . i pity , though i cannot help blaming her . she was very wrong in singling me out as she did i can safely say that every advance to intimacy began on her side . but i pity her , because she must feel that she has been acting wrong , and because i am very sure that anxiety for her brother is the cause of it . i need not explain myself farther and though we know this anxiety to be quite needless , yet if she feels it , will easily account for her behaviour to me and so deservedly dear as he is to his sister , whatever anxiety she must feel on his behalf is natural and amiable . i cannot but wonder , however , at her having any such fears now , because , if he had at all cared about me , we must have met , long ago . he knows of my being in town , i am certain , from something she said herself and yet it would seem , by her manner of talking , as if she wanted to persuade herself that he is really partial to miss darcy . i cannot understand it . if i were not afraid of judging harshly , i should be almost tempted to say that there is a strong appearance of duplicity in all this . but i will endeavour to banish every painful thought , and think only of what will make me happy  affection , and the invariable kindness of my dear uncle and aunt . let me hear from you very soon . miss bingley said something of his never returning to netherfield again , of giving up the house , but not with any certainty . we had better not mention it . i am extremely glad that you have such pleasant accounts from our friends at hunsford . pray go to see them , with sir william and maria . i am sure you will be very comfortable there . etc . this letter gave elizabeth some pain but her spirits returned as she considered that jane would no longer be duped , by the sister at least . all expectation from the brother was now absolutely over . she would not even wish for a renewal of his attentions . his character sunk on every review of it and as a punishment for him , as well as a possible advantage to jane , she seriously hoped he might really soon marry mr . darcys sister , as by wickhams account , she would make him abundantly regret what he had thrown away . mrs . gardiner about this time reminded elizabeth of her promise concerning that gentleman , and required information and elizabeth had such to send as might rather give contentment to her aunt than to herself . his apparent partiality had subsided , his attentions were over , he was the admirer of some one else . elizabeth was watchful enough to see it all , but she could see it and write of it without material pain . her heart had been but slightly touched , and her vanity was satisfied with believing that she would have been his only choice , had fortune permitted it . the sudden acquisition of ten thousand pounds was the most remarkable charm of the young lady to whom he was now rendering himself agreeable but elizabeth , less clear sighted perhaps in this case than in charlottes , did not quarrel with him for his wish of independence . nothing , on the contrary , could be more natural and while able to suppose that it cost him a few struggles to relinquish her , she was ready to allow it a wise and desirable measure for both , and could very sincerely wish him happy . all this was acknowledged to mrs . gardiner and after relating the circumstances , she thus went on i am now convinced , my dear aunt , that i have never been much in love for had i really experienced that pure and elevating passion , i should at present detest his very name , and wish him all manner of evil . but my feelings are not only cordial towards him they are even impartial towards miss king . i cannot find out that i hate her at all , or that i am in the least unwilling to think her a very good sort of girl . there can be no love in all this . my watchfulness has been effectual and though i certainly should be a more interesting object to all my acquaintances were i distractedly in love with him , i cannot say that i regret my comparative insignificance . importance may sometimes be purchased too dearly . kitty and lydia take his defection much more to heart than i do . they are young in the ways of the world , and not yet open to the mortifying conviction that handsome young men must have something to live on as well as the plain . chapter with no greater events than these in the longbourn family , and otherwise diversified by little beyond the walks to meryton , sometimes dirty and sometimes cold , did january and february pass away . march was to take elizabeth to hunsford . she had not at first thought very seriously of going thither but charlotte , she soon found , was depending on the plan and she gradually learned to consider it herself with greater pleasure as well as greater certainty . absence had increased her desire of seeing charlotte again , and weakened her disgust of mr . collins . there was novelty in the scheme , and as , with such a mother and such uncompanionable sisters , home could not be faultless , a little change was not unwelcome for its own sake . the journey would moreover give her a peep at jane and , in short , as the time drew near , she would have been very sorry for any delay . everything , however , went on smoothly , and was finally settled according to charlottes first sketch . she was to accompany sir william and his second daughter . the improvement of spending a night in london was added in time , and the plan became perfect as plan could be . the only pain was in leaving her father , who would certainly miss her , and who , when it came to the point , so little liked her going , that he told her to write to him , and almost promised to answer her letter . the farewell between herself and mr . wickham was perfectly friendly on his side even more . his present pursuit could not make him forget that elizabeth had been the first to excite and to deserve his attention , the first to listen and to pity , the first to be admired and in his manner of bidding her adieu , wishing her every enjoyment , reminding her of what she was to expect in lady catherine de bourgh , and trusting their opinion of her  opinion of everybody  always coincide , there was a solicitude , an interest which she felt must ever attach her to him with a most sincere regard and she parted from him convinced that , whether married or single , he must always be her model of the amiable and pleasing . her fellow travellers the next day were not of a kind to make her think him less agreeable . sir william lucas , and his daughter maria , a good humoured girl , but as empty headed as himself , had nothing to say that could be worth hearing , and were listened to with about as much delight as the rattle of the chaise . elizabeth loved absurdities , but she had known sir williams too long . he could tell her nothing new of the wonders of his presentation and knighthood and his civilities were worn out , like his information . it was a journey of only twenty four miles , and they began it so early as to be in gracechurch street by noon . as they drove to mr . gardiners door , jane was at a drawing room window watching their arrival when they entered the passage she was there to welcome them , and elizabeth , looking earnestly in her face , was pleased to see it healthful and lovely as ever . on the stairs were a troop of little boys and girls , whose eagerness for their cousins appearance would not allow them to wait in the drawing room, , and whose shyness , as they had not seen her for a twelvemonth , prevented their coming lower . all was joy and kindness . the day passed most pleasantly away the morning in bustle and shopping , and the evening at one of the theatres . elizabeth then contrived to sit by her aunt . their first object was her sister and she was more grieved than astonished to hear , in reply to her minute inquiries , that though jane always struggled to support her spirits , there were periods of dejection . it was reasonable , however , to hope that they would not continue long . mrs . gardiner gave her the particulars also of miss bingleys visit in gracechurch street , and repeated conversations occurring at different times between jane and herself , which proved that the former had , from her heart , given up the acquaintance . mrs . gardiner then rallied her niece on wickhams desertion , and complimented her on bearing it so well . but my dear elizabeth , she added , what sort of girl is miss king . i should be sorry to think our friend mercenary . pray , my dear aunt , what is the difference in matrimonial affairs , between the mercenary and the prudent motive . where does discretion end , and avarice begin . last christmas you were afraid of his marrying me , because it would be imprudent and now , because he is trying to get a girl with only ten thousand pounds , you want to find out that he is mercenary . if you will only tell me what sort of girl miss king is , i shall know what to think . she is a very good kind of girl , i believe . i know no harm of her . but he paid her not the smallest attention till her grandfathers death made her mistress of this fortune . no  should he . if it were not allowable for him to gain my affections because i had no money , what occasion could there be for making love to a girl whom he did not care about , and who was equally poor . but there seems an indelicacy in directing his attentions towards her so soon after this event . a man in distressed circumstances has not time for all those elegant decorums which other people may observe . if she does not object to it , why should we . her not objecting does not justify him . it only shows her being deficient in something herself  or feeling . well , cried elizabeth , have it as you choose . he shall be mercenary , and she shall be foolish . no , lizzy , that is what i do not choose . i should be sorry , you know , to think ill of a young man who has lived so long in derbyshire . oh . if that is all , i have a very poor opinion of young men who live in derbyshire and their intimate friends who live in hertfordshire are not much better . i am sick of them all . thank heaven . i am going to morrow where i shall find a man who has not one agreeable quality , who has neither manner nor sense to recommend him . stupid men are the only ones worth knowing , after all . take care , lizzy that speech savours strongly of disappointment . before they were separated by the conclusion of the play , she had the unexpected happiness of an invitation to accompany her uncle and aunt in a tour of pleasure which they proposed taking in the summer . we have not determined how far it shall carry us , said mrs . gardiner , but , perhaps , to the lakes . no scheme could have been more agreeable to elizabeth , and her acceptance of the invitation was most ready and grateful . oh , my dear , aunt , she rapturously cried , what delight . what felicity . you give me fresh life and vigour . adieu to disappointment and spleen . what are young men to rocks and mountains . oh . what hours of transport we shall spend . and when we do return , it shall not be like other travellers , without being able to give one accurate idea of anything . we will know where we have gone  will recollect what we have seen . lakes , mountains , and rivers shall not be jumbled together in our imaginations nor when we attempt to describe any particular scene , will we begin quarreling about its relative situation . let our first effusions be less insupportable than those of the generality of travellers . chapter every object in the next days journey was new and interesting to elizabeth and her spirits were in a state of enjoyment for she had seen her sister looking so well as to banish all fear for her health , and the prospect of her northern tour was a constant source of delight . when they left the high road for the lane to hunsford , every eye was in search of the parsonage , and every turning expected to bring it in view . the palings of rosings park was their boundary on one side . elizabeth smiled at the recollection of all that she had heard of its inhabitants . at length the parsonage was discernible . the garden sloping to the road , the house standing in it , the green pales , and the laurel hedge , everything declared they were arriving . mr . collins and charlotte appeared at the door , and the carriage stopped at the small gate which led by a short gravel walk to the house , amidst the nods and smiles of the whole party . in a moment they were all out of the chaise , rejoicing at the sight of each other . mrs . collins welcomed her friend with the liveliest pleasure , and elizabeth was more and more satisfied with coming when she found herself so affectionately received . she saw instantly that her cousins manners were not altered by his marriage his formal civility was just what it had been , and he detained her some minutes at the gate to hear and satisfy his inquiries after all her family . they were then , with no other delay than his pointing out the neatness of the entrance , taken into the house and as soon as they were in the parlour , he welcomed them a second time , with ostentatious formality to his humble abode , and punctually repeated all his wifes offers of refreshment . elizabeth was prepared to see him in his glory and she could not help in fancying that in displaying the good proportion of the room , its aspect and its furniture , he addressed himself particularly to her , as if wishing to make her feel what she had lost in refusing him . but though everything seemed neat and comfortable , she was not able to gratify him by any sigh of repentance , and rather looked with wonder at her friend that she could have so cheerful an air with such a companion . when mr . collins said anything of which his wife might reasonably be ashamed , which certainly was not unseldom , she involuntarily turned her eye on charlotte . once or twice she could discern a faint blush but in general charlotte wisely did not hear . after sitting long enough to admire every article of furniture in the room , from the sideboard to the fender , to give an account of their journey , and of all that had happened in london , mr . collins invited them to take a stroll in the garden , which was large and well laid out , and to the cultivation of which he attended himself . to work in this garden was one of his most respectable pleasures and elizabeth admired the command of countenance with which charlotte talked of the healthfulness of the exercise , and owned she encouraged it as much as possible . here , leading the way through every walk and cross walk , and scarcely allowing them an interval to utter the praises he asked for , every view was pointed out with a minuteness which left beauty entirely behind . he could number the fields in every direction , and could tell how many trees there were in the most distant clump . but of all the views which his garden , or which the country or kingdom could boast , none were to be compared with the prospect of rosings , afforded by an opening in the trees that bordered the park nearly opposite the front of his house . it was a handsome modern building , well situated on rising ground . from his garden , mr . collins would have led them round his two meadows but the ladies , not having shoes to encounter the remains of a white frost , turned back and while sir william accompanied him , charlotte took her sister and friend over the house , extremely well pleased , probably , to have the opportunity of showing it without her husbands help . it was rather small , but well built and convenient and everything was fitted up and arranged with a neatness and consistency of which elizabeth gave charlotte all the credit . when mr . collins could be forgotten , there was really an air of great comfort throughout , and by charlottes evident enjoyment of it , elizabeth supposed he must be often forgotten . she had already learnt that lady catherine was still in the country . it was spoken of again while they were at dinner , when mr . collins joining in , observed yes , miss elizabeth , you will have the honour of seeing lady catherine de bourgh on the ensuing sunday at church , and i need not say you will be delighted with her . she is all affability and condescension , and i doubt not but you will be honoured with some portion of her notice when service is over . i have scarcely any hesitation in saying she will include you and my sister maria in every invitation with which she honours us during your stay here . her behaviour to my dear charlotte is charming . we dine at rosings twice every week , and are never allowed to walk home . her ladyships carriage is regularly ordered for us . i should say , one of her ladyships carriages , for she has several . lady catherine is a very respectable , sensible woman indeed , added charlotte , and a most attentive neighbour . very true , my dear , that is exactly what i say . she is the sort of woman whom one cannot regard with too much deference . the evening was spent chiefly in talking over hertfordshire news , and telling again what had already been written and when it closed , elizabeth , in the solitude of her chamber , had to meditate upon charlottes degree of contentment , to understand her address in guiding , and composure in bearing with , her husband , and to acknowledge that it was all done very well . she had also to anticipate how her visit would pass , the quiet tenor of their usual employments , the vexatious interruptions of mr . collins , and the gaieties of their intercourse with rosings . a lively imagination soon settled it all . about the middle of the next day , as she was in her room getting ready for a walk , a sudden noise below seemed to speak the whole house in confusion and , after listening a moment , she heard somebody running up stairs in a violent hurry , and calling loudly after her . she opened the door and met maria in the landing place , who , breathless with agitation , cried out  oh , my dear eliza . pray make haste and come into the dining room, , for there is such a sight to be seen . i will not tell you what it is . make haste , and come down this moment . elizabeth asked questions in vain maria would tell her nothing more , and down they ran into the dining room, , which fronted the lane , in quest of this wonder it was two ladies stopping in a low phaeton at the garden gate . and is this all . cried elizabeth . i expected at least that the pigs were got into the garden , and here is nothing but lady catherine and her daughter . la . my dear , said maria , quite shocked at the mistake , it is not lady catherine . the old lady is mrs . jenkinson , who lives with them the other is miss de bourgh . only look at her . she is quite a little creature . who would have thought that she could be so thin and small . she is abominably rude to keep charlotte out of doors in all this wind . why does she not come in . oh , charlotte says she hardly ever does . it is the greatest of favours when miss de bourgh comes in . i like her appearance , said elizabeth , struck with other ideas . she looks sickly and cross . yes , she will do for him very well . she will make him a very proper wife . mr . collins and charlotte were both standing at the gate in conversation with the ladies and sir william , to elizabeths high diversion , was stationed in the doorway , in earnest contemplation of the greatness before him , and constantly bowing whenever miss de bourgh looked that way . at length there was nothing more to be said the ladies drove on , and the others returned into the house . mr . collins no sooner saw the two girls than he began to congratulate them on their good fortune , which charlotte explained by letting them know that the whole party was asked to dine at rosings the next day . chapter mr . collinss triumph , in consequence of this invitation , was complete . the power of displaying the grandeur of his patroness to his wondering visitors , and of letting them see her civility towards himself and his wife , was exactly what he had wished for and that an opportunity of doing it should be given so soon , was such an instance of lady catherines condescension , as he knew not how to admire enough . i confess , said he , that i should not have been at all surprised by her ladyships asking us on sunday to drink tea and spend the evening at rosings . i rather expected , from my knowledge of her affability , that it would happen . but who could have foreseen such an attention as this . who could have imagined that we should receive an invitation to dine there so immediately after your arrival . i am the less surprised at what has happened , replied sir william , from that knowledge of what the manners of the great really are , which my situation in life has allowed me to acquire . about the court , such instances of elegant breeding are not uncommon . scarcely anything was talked of the whole day or next morning but their visit to rosings . mr . collins was carefully instructing them in what they were to expect , that the sight of such rooms , so many servants , and so splendid a dinner , might not wholly overpower them . when the ladies were separating for the toilette , he said to elizabeth  do not make yourself uneasy , my dear cousin , about your apparel . lady catherine is far from requiring that elegance of dress in us which becomes herself and her daughter . i would advise you merely to put on whatever of your clothes is superior to the rest  is no occasion for anything more . lady catherine will not think the worse of you for being simply dressed . she likes to have the distinction of rank preserved . while they were dressing , he came two or three times to their different doors , to recommend their being quick , as lady catherine very much objected to be kept waiting for her dinner . such formidable accounts of her ladyship , and her manner of living , quite frightened maria lucas who had been little used to company , and she looked forward to her introduction at rosings with as much apprehension as her father had done to his presentation at st . jamess . as the weather was fine , they had a pleasant walk of about half a mile across the park . every park has its beauty and its prospects and elizabeth saw much to be pleased with , though she could not be in such raptures as mr . collins expected the scene to inspire , and was but slightly affected by his enumeration of the windows in front of the house , and his relation of what the glazing altogether had originally cost sir lewis de bourgh . when they ascended the steps to the hall , marias alarm was every moment increasing , and even sir william did not look perfectly calm . elizabeths courage did not fail her . she had heard nothing of lady catherine that spoke her awful from any extraordinary talents or miraculous virtue , and the mere stateliness of money or rank she thought she could witness without trepidation . from the entrance hall, , of which mr . collins pointed out , with a rapturous air , the fine proportion and the finished ornaments , they followed the servants through an ante chamber, , to the room where lady catherine , her daughter , and mrs . jenkinson were sitting . her ladyship , with great condescension , arose to receive them and as mrs . collins had settled it with her husband that the office of introduction should be hers , it was performed in a proper manner , without any of those apologies and thanks which he would have thought necessary . in spite of having been at st . jamess , sir william was so completely awed by the grandeur surrounding him , that he had but just courage enough to make a very low bow , and take his seat without saying a word and his daughter , frightened almost out of her senses , sat on the edge of her chair , not knowing which way to look . elizabeth found herself quite equal to the scene , and could observe the three ladies before her composedly . lady catherine was a tall , large woman , with strongly marked features , which might once have been handsome . her air was not conciliating , nor was her manner of receiving them such as to make her visitors forget their inferior rank . she was not rendered formidable by silence but whatever she said was spoken in so authoritative a tone , as marked her self importance, , and brought mr . wickham immediately to elizabeths mind and from the observation of the day altogether , she believed lady catherine to be exactly what he represented . when , after examining the mother , in whose countenance and deportment she soon found some resemblance of mr . darcy , she turned her eyes on the daughter , she could almost have joined in marias astonishment at her being so thin and so small . there was neither in figure nor face any likeness between the ladies . miss de bourgh was pale and sickly her features , though not plain , were insignificant and she spoke very little , except in a low voice , to mrs . jenkinson , in whose appearance there was nothing remarkable , and who was entirely engaged in listening to what she said , and placing a screen in the proper direction before her eyes . after sitting a few minutes , they were all sent to one of the windows to admire the view , mr . collins attending them to point out its beauties , and lady catherine kindly informing them that it was much better worth looking at in the summer . the dinner was exceedingly handsome , and there were all the servants and all the articles of plate which mr . collins had promised and , as he had likewise foretold , he took his seat at the bottom of the table , by her ladyships desire , and looked as if he felt that life could furnish nothing greater . he carved , and ate , and praised with delighted alacrity and every dish was commended , first by him and then by sir william , who was now enough recovered to echo whatever his son in said , in a manner which elizabeth wondered lady catherine could bear . but lady catherine seemed gratified by their excessive admiration , and gave most gracious smiles , especially when any dish on the table proved a novelty to them . the party did not supply much conversation . elizabeth was ready to speak whenever there was an opening , but she was seated between charlotte and miss de bourgh  former of whom was engaged in listening to lady catherine , and the latter said not a word to her all dinner time . mrs . jenkinson was chiefly employed in watching how little miss de bourgh ate , pressing her to try some other dish , and fearing she was indisposed . maria thought speaking out of the question , and the gentlemen did nothing but eat and admire . when the ladies returned to the drawing room, , there was little to be done but to hear lady catherine talk , which she did without any intermission till coffee came in , delivering her opinion on every subject in so decisive a manner , as proved that she was not used to have her judgement controverted . she inquired into charlottes domestic concerns familiarly and minutely , gave her a great deal of advice as to the management of them all told her how everything ought to be regulated in so small a family as hers , and instructed her as to the care of her cows and her poultry . elizabeth found that nothing was beneath this great ladys attention , which could furnish her with an occasion of dictating to others . in the intervals of her discourse with mrs . collins , she addressed a variety of questions to maria and elizabeth , but especially to the latter , of whose connections she knew the least , and who she observed to mrs . collins was a very genteel , pretty kind of girl . she asked her , at different times , how many sisters she had , whether they were older or younger than herself , whether any of them were likely to be married , whether they were handsome , where they had been educated , what carriage her father kept , and what had been her mothers maiden name . elizabeth felt all the impertinence of her questions but answered them very composedly . lady catherine then observed , your fathers estate is entailed on mr . collins , i think . for your sake , turning to charlotte , i am glad of it but otherwise i see no occasion for entailing estates from the female line . it was not thought necessary in sir lewis de bourghs family . do you play and sing , miss bennet . a little . oh . then  time or other we shall be happy to hear you . our instrument is a capital one , probably superior to  shall try it some day . do your sisters play and sing . one of them does . why did not you all learn . you ought all to have learned . the miss webbs all play , and their father has not so good an income as yours . do you draw . no , not at all . what , none of you . not one . that is very strange . but i suppose you had no opportunity . your mother should have taken you to town every spring for the benefit of masters . my mother would have had no objection , but my father hates london . has your governess left you . we never had any governess . no governess . how was that possible . five daughters brought up at home without a governess . i never heard of such a thing . your mother must have been quite a slave to your education . elizabeth could hardly help smiling as she assured her that had not been the case . then , who taught you . who attended to you . without a governess , you must have been neglected . compared with some families , i believe we were but such of us as wished to learn never wanted the means . we were always encouraged to read , and had all the masters that were necessary . those who chose to be idle , certainly might . aye , no doubt but that is what a governess will prevent , and if i had known your mother , i should have advised her most strenuously to engage one . i always say that nothing is to be done in education without steady and regular instruction , and nobody but a governess can give it . it is wonderful how many families i have been the means of supplying in that way . i am always glad to get a young person well placed out . four nieces of mrs . jenkinson are most delightfully situated through my means and it was but the other day that i recommended another young person , who was merely accidentally mentioned to me , and the family are quite delighted with her . mrs . collins , did i tell you of lady metcalfs calling yesterday to thank me . she finds miss pope a treasure . lady catherine , said she , you have given me a treasure . are any of your younger sisters out , miss bennet . yes , maam , all . all . what , all five out at once . very odd . and you only the second . the younger ones out before the elder ones are married . your younger sisters must be very young . yes , my youngest is not sixteen . perhaps she is full young to be much in company . but really , maam , i think it would be very hard upon younger sisters , that they should not have their share of society and amusement , because the elder may not have the means or inclination to marry early . the last born has as good a right to the pleasures of youth as the first . and to be kept back on such a motive . i think it would not be very likely to promote sisterly affection or delicacy of mind . upon my word , said her ladyship , you give your opinion very decidedly for so young a person . pray , what is your age . with three younger sisters grown up , replied elizabeth , smiling , your ladyship can hardly expect me to own it . lady catherine seemed quite astonished at not receiving a direct answer and elizabeth suspected herself to be the first creature who had ever dared to trifle with so much dignified impertinence . you cannot be more than twenty , i am sure , therefore you need not conceal your age . i am not one and . when the gentlemen had joined them , and tea was over , the card tables were placed . lady catherine , sir william , and mr . and mrs . collins sat down to quadrille and as miss de bourgh chose to play at cassino , the two girls had the honour of assisting mrs . jenkinson to make up her party . their table was superlatively stupid . scarcely a syllable was uttered that did not relate to the game , except when mrs . jenkinson expressed her fears of miss de bourghs being too hot or too cold , or having too much or too little light . a great deal more passed at the other table . lady catherine was generally speaking  the mistakes of the three others , or relating some anecdote of herself . mr . collins was employed in agreeing to everything her ladyship said , thanking her for every fish he won , and apologising if he thought he won too many . sir william did not say much . he was storing his memory with anecdotes and noble names . when lady catherine and her daughter had played as long as they chose , the tables were broken up , the carriage was offered to mrs . collins , gratefully accepted and immediately ordered . the party then gathered round the fire to hear lady catherine determine what weather they were to have on the morrow . from these instructions they were summoned by the arrival of the coach and with many speeches of thankfulness on mr . collinss side and as many bows on sir williams they departed . as soon as they had driven from the door , elizabeth was called on by her cousin to give her opinion of all that she had seen at rosings , which , for charlottes sake , she made more favourable than it really was . but her commendation , though costing her some trouble , could by no means satisfy mr . collins , and he was very soon obliged to take her ladyships praise into his own hands . chapter sir william stayed only a week at hunsford , but his visit was long enough to convince him of his daughters being most comfortably settled , and of her possessing such a husband and such a neighbour as were not often met with . while sir william was with them , mr . collins devoted his morning to driving him out in his gig , and showing him the country but when he went away , the whole family returned to their usual employments , and elizabeth was thankful to find that they did not see more of her cousin by the alteration , for the chief of the time between breakfast and dinner was now passed by him either at work in the garden or in reading and writing , and looking out of the window in his own book room, , which fronted the road . the room in which the ladies sat was backwards . elizabeth had at first rather wondered that charlotte should not prefer the dining parlour for common use it was a better sized room , and had a more pleasant aspect but she soon saw that her friend had an excellent reason for what she did , for mr . collins would undoubtedly have been much less in his own apartment , had they sat in one equally lively and she gave charlotte credit for the arrangement . from the drawing room they could distinguish nothing in the lane , and were indebted to mr . collins for the knowledge of what carriages went along , and how often especially miss de bourgh drove by in her phaeton , which he never failed coming to inform them of , though it happened almost every day . she not unfrequently stopped at the parsonage , and had a few minutes conversation with charlotte , but was scarcely ever prevailed upon to get out . very few days passed in which mr . collins did not walk to rosings , and not many in which his wife did not think it necessary to go likewise and till elizabeth recollected that there might be other family livings to be disposed of , she could not understand the sacrifice of so many hours . now and then they were honoured with a call from her ladyship , and nothing escaped her observation that was passing in the room during these visits . she examined into their employments , looked at their work , and advised them to do it differently found fault with the arrangement of the furniture or detected the housemaid in negligence and if she accepted any refreshment , seemed to do it only for the sake of finding out that mrs . collinss joints of meat were too large for her family . elizabeth soon perceived , that though this great lady was not in commission of the peace of the county , she was a most active magistrate in her own parish , the minutest concerns of which were carried to her by mr . collins and whenever any of the cottagers were disposed to be quarrelsome , discontented , or too poor , she sallied forth into the village to settle their differences , silence their complaints , and scold them into harmony and plenty . the entertainment of dining at rosings was repeated about twice a week and , allowing for the loss of sir william , and there being only one card table in the evening , every such entertainment was the counterpart of the first . their other engagements were few , as the style of living in the neighbourhood in general was beyond mr . collinss reach . this , however , was no evil to elizabeth , and upon the whole she spent her time comfortably enough there were half hours of pleasant conversation with charlotte , and the weather was so fine for the time of year that she had often great enjoyment out of doors . her favourite walk , and where she frequently went while the others were calling on lady catherine , was along the open grove which edged that side of the park , where there was a nice sheltered path , which no one seemed to value but herself , and where she felt beyond the reach of lady catherines curiosity . in this quiet way , the first fortnight of her visit soon passed away . easter was approaching , and the week preceding it was to bring an addition to the family at rosings , which in so small a circle must be important . elizabeth had heard soon after her arrival that mr . darcy was expected there in the course of a few weeks , and though there were not many of her acquaintances whom she did not prefer , his coming would furnish one comparatively new to look at in their rosings parties , and she might be amused in seeing how hopeless miss bingleys designs on him were , by his behaviour to his cousin , for whom he was evidently destined by lady catherine , who talked of his coming with the greatest satisfaction , spoke of him in terms of the highest admiration , and seemed almost angry to find that he had already been frequently seen by miss lucas and herself . his arrival was soon known at the parsonage for mr . collins was walking the whole morning within view of the lodges opening into hunsford lane , in order to have the earliest assurance of it , and after making his bow as the carriage turned into the park , hurried home with the great intelligence . on the following morning he hastened to rosings to pay his respects . there were two nephews of lady catherine to require them , for mr . darcy had brought with him a colonel fitzwilliam , the younger son of his uncle lord and , to the great surprise of all the party , when mr . collins returned , the gentlemen accompanied him . charlotte had seen them from her husbands room , crossing the road , and immediately running into the other , told the girls what an honour they might expect , adding i may thank you , eliza , for this piece of civility . mr . darcy would never have come so soon to wait upon me . elizabeth had scarcely time to disclaim all right to the compliment , before their approach was announced by the door bell, , and shortly afterwards the three gentlemen entered the room . colonel fitzwilliam , who led the way , was about thirty , not handsome , but in person and address most truly the gentleman . mr . darcy looked just as he had been used to look in hertfordshire  his compliments , with his usual reserve , to mrs . collins , and whatever might be his feelings toward her friend , met her with every appearance of composure . elizabeth merely curtseyed to him without saying a word . colonel fitzwilliam entered into conversation directly with the readiness and ease of a well bred man , and talked very pleasantly but his cousin , after having addressed a slight observation on the house and garden to mrs . collins , sat for some time without speaking to anybody . at length , however , his civility was so far awakened as to inquire of elizabeth after the health of her family . she answered him in the usual way , and after a moments pause , added my eldest sister has been in town these three months . have you never happened to see her there . she was perfectly sensible that he never had but she wished to see whether he would betray any consciousness of what had passed between the bingleys and jane , and she thought he looked a little confused as he answered that he had never been so fortunate as to meet miss bennet . the subject was pursued no farther , and the gentlemen soon afterwards went away . chapter colonel fitzwilliams manners were very much admired at the parsonage , and the ladies all felt that he must add considerably to the pleasures of their engagements at rosings . it was some days , however , before they received any invitation thither  while there were visitors in the house , they could not be necessary and it was not till easter day, , almost a week after the gentlemens arrival , that they were honoured by such an attention , and then they were merely asked on leaving church to come there in the evening . for the last week they had seen very little of lady catherine or her daughter . colonel fitzwilliam had called at the parsonage more than once during the time , but mr . darcy they had seen only at church . the invitation was accepted of course , and at a proper hour they joined the party in lady catherines drawing room . her ladyship received them civilly , but it was plain that their company was by no means so acceptable as when she could get nobody else and she was , in fact , almost engrossed by her nephews , speaking to them , especially to darcy , much more than to any other person in the room . colonel fitzwilliam seemed really glad to see them anything was a welcome relief to him at rosings and mrs . collinss pretty friend had moreover caught his fancy very much . he now seated himself by her , and talked so agreeably of kent and hertfordshire , of travelling and staying at home , of new books and music , that elizabeth had never been half so well entertained in that room before and they conversed with so much spirit and flow , as to draw the attention of lady catherine herself , as well as of mr . darcy . his eyes had been soon and repeatedly turned towards them with a look of curiosity and that her ladyship , after a while , shared the feeling , was more openly acknowledged , for she did not scruple to call out what is that you are saying , fitzwilliam . what is it you are talking of . what are you telling miss bennet . let me hear what it is . we are speaking of music , madam , said he , when no longer able to avoid a reply . of music . then pray speak aloud . it is of all subjects my delight . i must have my share in the conversation if you are speaking of music . there are few people in england , i suppose , who have more true enjoyment of music than myself , or a better natural taste . if i had ever learnt , i should have been a great proficient . and so would anne , if her health had allowed her to apply . i am confident that she would have performed delightfully . how does georgiana get on , darcy . mr . darcy spoke with affectionate praise of his sisters proficiency . i am very glad to hear such a good account of her , said lady catherine and pray tell her from me , that she cannot expect to excel if she does not practice a good deal . i assure you , madam , he replied , that she does not need such advice . she practises very constantly . so much the better . it cannot be done too much and when i next write to her , i shall charge her not to neglect it on any account . i often tell young ladies that no excellence in music is to be acquired without constant practice . i have told miss bennet several times , that she will never play really well unless she practises more and though mrs . collins has no instrument , she is very welcome , as i have often told her , to come to rosings every day , and play on the pianoforte in mrs . jenkinsons room . she would be in nobodys way , you know , in that part of the house . mr . darcy looked a little ashamed of his aunts ill breeding, , and made no answer . when coffee was over , colonel fitzwilliam reminded elizabeth of having promised to play to him and she sat down directly to the instrument . he drew a chair near her . lady catherine listened to half a song , and then talked , as before , to her other nephew till the latter walked away from her , and making with his usual deliberation towards the pianoforte stationed himself so as to command a full view of the fair performers countenance . elizabeth saw what he was doing , and at the first convenient pause , turned to him with an arch smile , and said you mean to frighten me , mr . darcy , by coming in all this state to hear me . i will not be alarmed though your sister does play so well . there is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others . my courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me . i shall not say you are mistaken , he replied , because you could not really believe me to entertain any design of alarming you and i have had the pleasure of your acquaintance long enough to know that you find great enjoyment in occasionally professing opinions which in fact are not your own . elizabeth laughed heartily at this picture of herself , and said to colonel fitzwilliam , your cousin will give you a very pretty notion of me , and teach you not to believe a word i say . i am particularly unlucky in meeting with a person so able to expose my real character , in a part of the world where i had hoped to pass myself off with some degree of credit . indeed , mr . darcy , it is very ungenerous in you to mention all that you knew to my disadvantage in hertfordshire  , give me leave to say , very impolitic too  it is provoking me to retaliate , and such things may come out as will shock your relations to hear . i am not afraid of you , said he , smilingly . pray let me hear what you have to accuse him of , cried colonel fitzwilliam . i should like to know how he behaves among strangers . you shall hear then  prepare yourself for something very dreadful . the first time of my ever seeing him in hertfordshire , you must know , was at a ball  at this ball , what do you think he did . he danced only four dances , though gentlemen were scarce and , to my certain knowledge , more than one young lady was sitting down in want of a partner . mr . darcy , you cannot deny the fact . i had not at that time the honour of knowing any lady in the assembly beyond my own party . true and nobody can ever be introduced in a ball room . well , colonel fitzwilliam , what do i play next . my fingers wait your orders . perhaps , said darcy , i should have judged better , had i sought an introduction but i am ill qualified to recommend myself to strangers . shall we ask your cousin the reason of this . said elizabeth , still addressing colonel fitzwilliam . shall we ask him why a man of sense and education , and who has lived in the world , is ill qualified to recommend himself to strangers . i can answer your question , said fitzwilliam , without applying to him . it is because he will not give himself the trouble . i certainly have not the talent which some people possess , said darcy , of conversing easily with those i have never seen before . i cannot catch their tone of conversation , or appear interested in their concerns , as i often see done . my fingers , said elizabeth , do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which i see so many womens do . they have not the same force or rapidity , and do not produce the same expression . but then i have always supposed it to be my own fault  i will not take the trouble of practising . it is not that i do not believe my fingers as capable as any other womans of superior execution . darcy smiled and said , you are perfectly right . you have employed your time much better . no one admitted to the privilege of hearing you can think anything wanting . we neither of us perform to strangers . here they were interrupted by lady catherine , who called out to know what they were talking of . elizabeth immediately began playing again . lady catherine approached , and , after listening for a few minutes , said to darcy miss bennet would not play at all amiss if she practised more , and could have the advantage of a london master . she has a very good notion of fingering , though her taste is not equal to annes . anne would have been a delightful performer , had her health allowed her to learn . elizabeth looked at darcy to see how cordially he assented to his cousins praise but neither at that moment nor at any other could she discern any symptom of love and from the whole of his behaviour to miss de bourgh she derived this comfort for miss bingley , that he might have been just as likely to marry her , had she been his relation . lady catherine continued her remarks on elizabeths performance , mixing with them many instructions on execution and taste . elizabeth received them with all the forbearance of civility , and , at the request of the gentlemen , remained at the instrument till her ladyships carriage was ready to take them all home . chapter elizabeth was sitting by herself the next morning , and writing to jane while mrs . collins and maria were gone on business into the village , when she was startled by a ring at the door , the certain signal of a visitor . as she had heard no carriage , she thought it not unlikely to be lady catherine , and under that apprehension was putting away her half finished letter that she might escape all impertinent questions , when the door opened , and , to her very great surprise , mr . darcy , and mr . darcy only , entered the room . he seemed astonished too on finding her alone , and apologised for his intrusion by letting her know that he had understood all the ladies were to be within . they then sat down , and when her inquiries after rosings were made , seemed in danger of sinking into total silence . it was absolutely necessary , therefore , to think of something , and in this emergence recollecting when she had seen him last in hertfordshire , and feeling curious to know what he would say on the subject of their hasty departure , she observed how very suddenly you all quitted netherfield last november , mr . darcy . it must have been a most agreeable surprise to mr . bingley to see you all after him so soon for , if i recollect right , he went but the day before . he and his sisters were well , i hope , when you left london . perfectly so , i thank you . she found that she was to receive no other answer , and , after a short pause added i think i have understood that mr . bingley has not much idea of ever returning to netherfield again . i have never heard him say so but it is probable that he may spend very little of his time there in the future . he has many friends , and is at a time of life when friends and engagements are continually increasing . if he means to be but little at netherfield , it would be better for the neighbourhood that he should give up the place entirely , for then we might possibly get a settled family there . but , perhaps , mr . bingley did not take the house so much for the convenience of the neighbourhood as for his own , and we must expect him to keep it or quit it on the same principle . i should not be surprised , said darcy , if he were to give it up as soon as any eligible purchase offers . elizabeth made no answer . she was afraid of talking longer of his friend and , having nothing else to say , was now determined to leave the trouble of finding a subject to him . he took the hint , and soon began with , this seems a very comfortable house . lady catherine , i believe , did a great deal to it when mr . collins first came to hunsford . i believe she did  i am sure she could not have bestowed her kindness on a more grateful object . mr . collins appears to be very fortunate in his choice of a wife . yes , indeed , his friends may well rejoice in his having met with one of the very few sensible women who would have accepted him , or have made him happy if they had . my friend has an excellent understanding  i am not certain that i consider her marrying mr . collins as the wisest thing she ever did . she seems perfectly happy , however , and in a prudential light it is certainly a very good match for her . it must be very agreeable for her to be settled within so easy a distance of her own family and friends . an easy distance , do you call it . it is nearly fifty miles . and what is fifty miles of good road . little more than half a days journey . yes , i call it a very easy distance . i should never have considered the distance as one of the advantages of the match , cried elizabeth . i should never have said mrs . collins was settled near her family . it is a proof of your own attachment to hertfordshire . anything beyond the very neighbourhood of longbourn , i suppose , would appear far . as he spoke there was a sort of smile which elizabeth fancied she understood he must be supposing her to be thinking of jane and netherfield , and she blushed as she answered i do not mean to say that a woman may not be settled too near her family . the far and the near must be relative , and depend on many varying circumstances . where there is fortune to make the expenses of travelling unimportant , distance becomes no evil . but that is not the case here . mr . and mrs . collins have a comfortable income , but not such a one as will allow of frequent journeys  i am persuaded my friend would not call herself near her family under less than half the present distance . mr . darcy drew his chair a little towards her , and said , you cannot have a right to such very strong local attachment . you cannot have been always at longbourn . elizabeth looked surprised . the gentleman experienced some change of feeling he drew back his chair , took a newspaper from the table , and glancing over it , said , in a colder voice are you pleased with kent . a short dialogue on the subject of the country ensued , on either side calm and concise  soon put an end to by the entrance of charlotte and her sister , just returned from her walk . the tete a surprised them . mr . darcy related the mistake which had occasioned his intruding on miss bennet , and after sitting a few minutes longer without saying much to anybody , went away . what can be the meaning of this . said charlotte , as soon as he was gone . my dear , eliza , he must be in love with you , or he would never have called us in this familiar way . but when elizabeth told of his silence , it did not seem very likely , even to charlottes wishes , to be the case and after various conjectures , they could at last only suppose his visit to proceed from the difficulty of finding anything to do , which was the more probable from the time of year . all field sports were over . within doors there was lady catherine , books , and a billiard table, , but gentlemen cannot always be within doors and in the nearness of the parsonage , or the pleasantness of the walk to it , or of the people who lived in it , the two cousins found a temptation from this period of walking thither almost every day . they called at various times of the morning , sometimes separately , sometimes together , and now and then accompanied by their aunt . it was plain to them all that colonel fitzwilliam came because he had pleasure in their society , a persuasion which of course recommended him still more and elizabeth was reminded by her own satisfaction in being with him , as well as by his evident admiration of her , of her former favourite george wickham and though , in comparing them , she saw there was less captivating softness in colonel fitzwilliams manners , she believed he might have the best informed mind . but why mr . darcy came so often to the parsonage , it was more difficult to understand . it could not be for society , as he frequently sat there ten minutes together without opening his lips and when he did speak , it seemed the effect of necessity rather than of choice  sacrifice to propriety , not a pleasure to himself . he seldom appeared really animated . mrs . collins knew not what to make of him . colonel fitzwilliams occasionally laughing at his stupidity , proved that he was generally different , which her own knowledge of him could not have told her and as she would liked to have believed this change the effect of love , and the object of that love her friend eliza , she set herself seriously to work to find it out . she watched him whenever they were at rosings , and whenever he came to hunsford but without much success . he certainly looked at her friend a great deal , but the expression of that look was disputable . it was an earnest , steadfast gaze , but she often doubted whether there were much admiration in it , and sometimes it seemed nothing but absence of mind . she had once or twice suggested to elizabeth the possibility of his being partial to her , but elizabeth always laughed at the idea and mrs . collins did not think it right to press the subject , from the danger of raising expectations which might only end in disappointment for in her opinion it admitted not of a doubt , that all her friends dislike would vanish , if she could suppose him to be in her power . in her kind schemes for elizabeth , she sometimes planned her marrying colonel fitzwilliam . he was beyond comparison the most pleasant man he certainly admired her , and his situation in life was most eligible but , to counterbalance these advantages , mr . darcy had considerable patronage in the church , and his cousin could have none at all . chapter more than once did elizabeth , in her ramble within the park , unexpectedly meet mr . darcy . she felt all the perverseness of the mischance that should bring him where no one else was brought , and , to prevent its ever happening again , took care to inform him at first that it was a favourite haunt of hers . how it could occur a second time , therefore , was very odd . yet it did , and even a third . it seemed like wilful ill nature, , or a voluntary penance , for on these occasions it was not merely a few formal inquiries and an awkward pause and then away , but he actually thought it necessary to turn back and walk with her . he never said a great deal , nor did she give herself the trouble of talking or of listening much but it struck her in the course of their third rencontre that he was asking some odd unconnected questions  her pleasure in being at hunsford , her love of solitary walks , and her opinion of mr . and mrs . collinss happiness and that in speaking of rosings and her not perfectly understanding the house , he seemed to expect that whenever she came into kent again she would be staying there too . his words seemed to imply it . could he have colonel fitzwilliam in his thoughts . she supposed , if he meant anything , he must mean an allusion to what might arise in that quarter . it distressed her a little , and she was quite glad to find herself at the gate in the pales opposite the parsonage . she was engaged one day as she walked , in perusing janes last letter , and dwelling on some passages which proved that jane had not written in spirits , when , instead of being again surprised by mr . darcy , she saw on looking up that colonel fitzwilliam was meeting her . putting away the letter immediately and forcing a smile , she said i did not know before that you ever walked this way . i have been making the tour of the park , he replied , as i generally do every year , and intend to close it with a call at the parsonage . are you going much farther . no , i should have turned in a moment . and accordingly she did turn , and they walked towards the parsonage together . do you certainly leave kent on saturday . said she . yes  darcy does not put it off again . but i am at his disposal . he arranges the business just as he pleases . and if not able to please himself in the arrangement , he has at least pleasure in the great power of choice . i do not know anybody who seems more to enjoy the power of doing what he likes than mr . darcy . he likes to have his own way very well , replied colonel fitzwilliam . but so we all do . it is only that he has better means of having it than many others , because he is rich , and many others are poor . i speak feelingly . a younger son , you know , must be inured to self denial and dependence . in my opinion , the younger son of an earl can know very little of either . now seriously , what have you ever known of self denial and dependence . when have you been prevented by want of money from going wherever you chose , or procuring anything you had a fancy for . these are home questions  perhaps i cannot say that i have experienced many hardships of that nature . but in matters of greater weight , i may suffer from want of money . younger sons cannot marry where they like . unless where they like women of fortune , which i think they very often do . our habits of expense make us too dependent , and there are not many in my rank of life who can afford to marry without some attention to money . is this , thought elizabeth , meant for me . and she coloured at the idea but , recovering herself , said in a lively tone , and pray , what is the usual price of an earls younger son . unless the elder brother is very sickly , i suppose you would not ask above fifty thousand pounds . he answered her in the same style , and the subject dropped . to interrupt a silence which might make him fancy her affected with what had passed , she soon afterwards said i imagine your cousin brought you down with him chiefly for the sake of having someone at his disposal . i wonder he does not marry , to secure a lasting convenience of that kind . but , perhaps , his sister does as well for the present , and , as she is under his sole care , he may do what he likes with her . no , said colonel fitzwilliam , that is an advantage which he must divide with me . i am joined with him in the guardianship of miss darcy . are you indeed . and pray what sort of guardians do you make . does your charge give you much trouble . young ladies of her age are sometimes a little difficult to manage , and if she has the true darcy spirit , she may like to have her own way . as she spoke she observed him looking at her earnestly and the manner in which he immediately asked her why she supposed miss darcy likely to give them any uneasiness , convinced her that she had somehow or other got pretty near the truth . she directly replied you need not be frightened . i never heard any harm of her and i dare say she is one of the most tractable creatures in the world . she is a very great favourite with some ladies of my acquaintance , mrs . hurst and miss bingley . i think i have heard you say that you know them . i know them a little . their brother is a pleasant gentlemanlike man  is a great friend of darcys . oh . yes , said elizabeth drily mr . darcy is uncommonly kind to mr . bingley , and takes a prodigious deal of care of him . care of him . yes , i really believe darcy does take care of him in those points where he most wants care . from something that he told me in our journey hither , i have reason to think bingley very much indebted to him . but i ought to beg his pardon , for i have no right to suppose that bingley was the person meant . it was all conjecture . what is it you mean . it is a circumstance which darcy could not wish to be generally known , because if it were to get round to the ladys family , it would be an unpleasant thing . you may depend upon my not mentioning it . and remember that i have not much reason for supposing it to be bingley . what he told me was merely this that he congratulated himself on having lately saved a friend from the inconveniences of a most imprudent marriage , but without mentioning names or any other particulars , and i only suspected it to be bingley from believing him the kind of young man to get into a scrape of that sort , and from knowing them to have been together the whole of last summer . did mr . darcy give you reasons for this interference . i understood that there were some very strong objections against the lady . and what arts did he use to separate them . he did not talk to me of his own arts , said fitzwilliam , smiling . he only told me what i have now told you . elizabeth made no answer , and walked on , her heart swelling with indignation . after watching her a little , fitzwilliam asked her why she was so thoughtful . i am thinking of what you have been telling me , said she . your cousins conduct does not suit my feelings . why was he to be the judge . you are rather disposed to call his interference officious . i do not see what right mr . darcy had to decide on the propriety of his friends inclination , or why , upon his own judgement alone , he was to determine and direct in what manner his friend was to be happy . but , she continued , recollecting herself , as we know none of the particulars , it is not fair to condemn him . it is not to be supposed that there was much affection in the case . that is not an unnatural surmise , said fitzwilliam , but it is a lessening of the honour of my cousins triumph very sadly . this was spoken jestingly but it appeared to her so just a picture of mr . darcy , that she would not trust herself with an answer , and therefore , abruptly changing the conversation talked on indifferent matters until they reached the parsonage . there , shut into her own room , as soon as their visitor left them , she could think without interruption of all that she had heard . it was not to be supposed that any other people could be meant than those with whom she was connected . there could not exist in the world two men over whom mr . darcy could have such boundless influence . that he had been concerned in the measures taken to separate bingley and jane she had never doubted but she had always attributed to miss bingley the principal design and arrangement of them . if his own vanity , however , did not mislead him , he was the cause , his pride and caprice were the cause , of all that jane had suffered , and still continued to suffer . he had ruined for a while every hope of happiness for the most affectionate , generous heart in the world and no one could say how lasting an evil he might have inflicted . there were some very strong objections against the lady , were colonel fitzwilliams words and those strong objections probably were , her having one uncle who was a country attorney , and another who was in business in london . to jane herself , she exclaimed , there could be no possibility of objection all loveliness and goodness as she is . understanding excellent , her mind improved , and her manners captivating . neither could anything be urged against my father , who , though with some peculiarities , has abilities mr . darcy himself need not disdain , and respectability which he will probably never reach . when she thought of her mother , her confidence gave way a little but she would not allow that any objections there had material weight with mr . darcy , whose pride , she was convinced , would receive a deeper wound from the want of importance in his friends connections , than from their want of sense and she was quite decided , at last , that he had been partly governed by this worst kind of pride , and partly by the wish of retaining mr . bingley for his sister . the agitation and tears which the subject occasioned , brought on a headache and it grew so much worse towards the evening , that , added to her unwillingness to see mr . darcy , it determined her not to attend her cousins to rosings , where they were engaged to drink tea . mrs . collins , seeing that she was really unwell , did not press her to go and as much as possible prevented her husband from pressing her but mr . collins could not conceal his apprehension of lady catherines being rather displeased by her staying at home . chapter when they were gone , elizabeth , as if intending to exasperate herself as much as possible against mr . darcy , chose for her employment the examination of all the letters which jane had written to her since her being in kent . they contained no actual complaint , nor was there any revival of past occurrences , or any communication of present suffering . but in all , and in almost every line of each , there was a want of that cheerfulness which had been used to characterise her style , and which , proceeding from the serenity of a mind at ease with itself and kindly disposed towards everyone , had been scarcely ever clouded . elizabeth noticed every sentence conveying the idea of uneasiness , with an attention which it had hardly received on the first perusal . mr . darcys shameful boast of what misery he had been able to inflict , gave her a keener sense of her sisters sufferings . it was some consolation to think that his visit to rosings was to end on the day after the next  , a still greater , that in less than a fortnight she should herself be with jane again , and enabled to contribute to the recovery of her spirits , by all that affection could do . she could not think of darcys leaving kent without remembering that his cousin was to go with him but colonel fitzwilliam had made it clear that he had no intentions at all , and agreeable as he was , she did not mean to be unhappy about him . while settling this point , she was suddenly roused by the sound of the door bell, , and her spirits were a little fluttered by the idea of its being colonel fitzwilliam himself , who had once before called late in the evening , and might now come to inquire particularly after her . but this idea was soon banished , and her spirits were very differently affected , when , to her utter amazement , she saw mr . darcy walk into the room . in an hurried manner he immediately began an inquiry after her health , imputing his visit to a wish of hearing that she were better . she answered him with cold civility . he sat down for a few moments , and then getting up , walked about the room . elizabeth was surprised , but said not a word . after a silence of several minutes , he came towards her in an agitated manner , and thus began in vain i have struggled . it will not do . my feelings will not be repressed . you must allow me to tell you how ardently i admire and love you . elizabeths astonishment was beyond expression . she stared , coloured , doubted , and was silent . this he considered sufficient encouragement and the avowal of all that he felt , and had long felt for her , immediately followed . he spoke well but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride . his sense of her inferiority  its being a degradation  the family obstacles which had always opposed to inclination , were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding , but was very unlikely to recommend his suit . in spite of her deeply rooted dislike , she could not be insensible to the compliment of such a mans affection , and though her intentions did not vary for an instant , she was at first sorry for the pain he was to receive till , roused to resentment by his subsequent language , she lost all compassion in anger . she tried , however , to compose herself to answer him with patience , when he should have done . he concluded with representing to her the strength of that attachment which , in spite of all his endeavours , he had found impossible to conquer and with expressing his hope that it would now be rewarded by her acceptance of his hand . as he said this , she could easily see that he had no doubt of a favourable answer . he spoke of apprehension and anxiety , but his countenance expressed real security . such a circumstance could only exasperate farther , and , when he ceased , the colour rose into her cheeks , and she said in such cases as this , it is , i believe , the established mode to express a sense of obligation for the sentiments avowed , however unequally they may be returned . it is natural that obligation should be felt , and if i could feel gratitude , i would now thank you . but i cannot  have never desired your good opinion , and you have certainly bestowed it most unwillingly . i am sorry to have occasioned pain to anyone . it has been most unconsciously done , however , and i hope will be of short duration . the feelings which , you tell me , have long prevented the acknowledgment of your regard , can have little difficulty in overcoming it after this explanation . mr . darcy , who was leaning against the mantelpiece with his eyes fixed on her face , seemed to catch her words with no less resentment than surprise . his complexion became pale with anger , and the disturbance of his mind was visible in every feature . he was struggling for the appearance of composure , and would not open his lips till he believed himself to have attained it . the pause was to elizabeths feelings dreadful . at length , with a voice of forced calmness , he said and this is all the reply which i am to have the honour of expecting . i might , perhaps , wish to be informed why , with so little endeavour at civility , i am thus rejected . but it is of small importance . i might as well inquire , replied she , why with so evident a desire of offending and insulting me , you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will , against your reason , and even against your character . was not this some excuse for incivility , if i was uncivil . but i have other provocations . you know i have . had not my feelings decided against you  they been indifferent , or had they even been favourable , do you think that any consideration would tempt me to accept the man who has been the means of ruining , perhaps for ever , the happiness of a most beloved sister . as she pronounced these words , mr . darcy changed colour but the emotion was short , and he listened without attempting to interrupt her while she continued i have every reason in the world to think ill of you . no motive can excuse the unjust and ungenerous part you acted there . you dare not , you cannot deny , that you have been the principal , if not the only means of dividing them from each other  exposing one to the censure of the world for caprice and instability , and the other to its derision for disappointed hopes , and involving them both in misery of the acutest kind . she paused , and saw with no slight indignation that he was listening with an air which proved him wholly unmoved by any feeling of remorse . he even looked at her with a smile of affected incredulity . can you deny that you have done it . she repeated . with assumed tranquillity he then replied i have no wish of denying that i did everything in my power to separate my friend from your sister , or that i rejoice in my success . towards him i have been kinder than towards myself . elizabeth disdained the appearance of noticing this civil reflection , but its meaning did not escape , nor was it likely to conciliate her . but it is not merely this affair , she continued , on which my dislike is founded . long before it had taken place my opinion of you was decided . your character was unfolded in the recital which i received many months ago from mr . wickham . on this subject , what can you have to say . in what imaginary act of friendship can you here defend yourself . or under what misrepresentation can you here impose upon others . you take an eager interest in that gentlemans concerns , said darcy , in a less tranquil tone , and with a heightened colour . who that knows what his misfortunes have been , can help feeling an interest in him . his misfortunes . repeated darcy contemptuously yes , his misfortunes have been great indeed . and of your infliction , cried elizabeth with energy . you have reduced him to his present state of poverty  . you have withheld the advantages which you must know to have been designed for him . you have deprived the best years of his life of that independence which was no less his due than his desert . you have done all this . and yet you can treat the mention of his misfortune with contempt and ridicule . and this , cried darcy , as he walked with quick steps across the room , is your opinion of me . this is the estimation in which you hold me . i thank you for explaining it so fully . my faults , according to this calculation , are heavy indeed . but perhaps , added he , stopping in his walk , and turning towards her , these offenses might have been overlooked , had not your pride been hurt by my honest confession of the scruples that had long prevented my forming any serious design . these bitter accusations might have been suppressed , had i , with greater policy , concealed my struggles , and flattered you into the belief of my being impelled by unqualified , unalloyed inclination by reason , by reflection , by everything . but disguise of every sort is my abhorrence . nor am i ashamed of the feelings i related . they were natural and just . could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections . congratulate myself on the hope of relations , whose condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own . elizabeth felt herself growing more angry every moment yet she tried to the utmost to speak with composure when she said you are mistaken , mr . darcy , if you suppose that the mode of your declaration affected me in any other way , than as it spared me the concern which i might have felt in refusing you , had you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner . she saw him start at this , but he said nothing , and she continued you could not have made the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it . again his astonishment was obvious and he looked at her with an expression of mingled incredulity and mortification . she went on from the very beginning  the first moment , i may almost say  my acquaintance with you , your manners , impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance , your conceit , and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others , were such as to form the groundwork of disapprobation on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike and i had not known you a month before i felt that you were the last man in the world whom i could ever be prevailed on to marry . you have said quite enough , madam . i perfectly comprehend your feelings , and have now only to be ashamed of what my own have been . forgive me for having taken up so much of your time , and accept my best wishes for your health and happiness . and with these words he hastily left the room , and elizabeth heard him the next moment open the front door and quit the house . the tumult of her mind , was now painfully great . she knew not how to support herself , and from actual weakness sat down and cried for half an . her astonishment , as she reflected on what had passed , was increased by every review of it . that she should receive an offer of marriage from mr . darcy . that he should have been in love with her for so many months . so much in love as to wish to marry her in spite of all the objections which had made him prevent his friends marrying her sister , and which must appear at least with equal force in his own case  almost incredible . it was gratifying to have inspired unconsciously so strong an affection . but his pride , his abominable pride  shameless avowal of what he had done with respect to jane  unpardonable assurance in acknowledging , though he could not justify it , and the unfeeling manner in which he had mentioned mr . wickham , his cruelty towards whom he had not attempted to deny , soon overcame the pity which the consideration of his attachment had for a moment excited . she continued in very agitated reflections till the sound of lady catherines carriage made her feel how unequal she was to encounter charlottes observation , and hurried her away to her room . chapter elizabeth awoke the next morning to the same thoughts and meditations which had at length closed her eyes . she could not yet recover from the surprise of what had happened it was impossible to think of anything else and , totally indisposed for employment , she resolved , soon after breakfast , to indulge herself in air and exercise . she was proceeding directly to her favourite walk , when the recollection of mr . darcys sometimes coming there stopped her , and instead of entering the park , she turned up the lane , which led farther from the turnpike road . the park paling was still the boundary on one side , and she soon passed one of the gates into the ground . after walking two or three times along that part of the lane , she was tempted , by the pleasantness of the morning , to stop at the gates and look into the park . the five weeks which she had now passed in kent had made a great difference in the country , and every day was adding to the verdure of the early trees . she was on the point of continuing her walk , when she caught a glimpse of a gentleman within the sort of grove which edged the park he was moving that way and , fearful of its being mr . darcy , she was directly retreating . but the person who advanced was now near enough to see her , and stepping forward with eagerness , pronounced her name . she had turned away but on hearing herself called , though in a voice which proved it to be mr . darcy , she moved again towards the gate . he had by that time reached it also , and , holding out a letter , which she instinctively took , said , with a look of haughty composure , i have been walking in the grove some time in the hope of meeting you . will you do me the honour of reading that letter . and then , with a slight bow , turned again into the plantation , and was soon out of sight . with no expectation of pleasure , but with the strongest curiosity , elizabeth opened the letter , and , to her still increasing wonder , perceived an envelope containing two sheets of letter paper, , written quite through , in a very close hand . the envelope itself was likewise full . pursuing her way along the lane , she then began it . it was dated from rosings , at eight oclock in the morning , and was as follows  be not alarmed , madam , on receiving this letter , by the apprehension of its containing any repetition of those sentiments or renewal of those offers which were last night so disgusting to you . i write without any intention of paining you , or humbling myself , by dwelling on wishes which , for the happiness of both , cannot be too soon forgotten and the effort which the formation and the perusal of this letter must occasion , should have been spared , had not my character required it to be written and read . you must , therefore , pardon the freedom with which i demand your attention your feelings , i know , will bestow it unwillingly , but i demand it of your justice . two offenses of a very different nature , and by no means of equal magnitude , you last night laid to my charge . the first mentioned was , that , regardless of the sentiments of either , i had detached mr . bingley from your sister , and the other , that i had , in defiance of various claims , in defiance of honour and humanity , ruined the immediate prosperity and blasted the prospects of mr . wickham . wilfully and wantonly to have thrown off the companion of my youth , the acknowledged favourite of my father , a young man who had scarcely any other dependence than on our patronage , and who had been brought up to expect its exertion , would be a depravity , to which the separation of two young persons , whose affection could be the growth of only a few weeks , could bear no comparison . but from the severity of that blame which was last night so liberally bestowed , respecting each circumstance , i shall hope to be in the future secured , when the following account of my actions and their motives has been read . if , in the explanation of them , which is due to myself , i am under the necessity of relating feelings which may be offensive to yours , i can only say that i am sorry . the necessity must be obeyed , and further apology would be absurd . i had not been long in hertfordshire , before i saw , in common with others , that bingley preferred your elder sister to any other young woman in the country . but it was not till the evening of the dance at netherfield that i had any apprehension of his feeling a serious attachment . i had often seen him in love before . at that ball , while i had the honour of dancing with you , i was first made acquainted , by sir william lucass accidental information , that bingleys attentions to your sister had given rise to a general expectation of their marriage . he spoke of it as a certain event , of which the time alone could be undecided . from that moment i observed my friends behaviour attentively and i could then perceive that his partiality for miss bennet was beyond what i had ever witnessed in him . your sister i also watched . her look and manners were open , cheerful , and engaging as ever , but without any symptom of peculiar regard , and i remained convinced from the evenings scrutiny , that though she received his attentions with pleasure , she did not invite them by any participation of sentiment . if you have not been mistaken here , i must have been in error . your superior knowledge of your sister must make the latter probable . if it be so , if i have been misled by such error to inflict pain on her , your resentment has not been unreasonable . but i shall not scruple to assert , that the serenity of your sisters countenance and air was such as might have given the most acute observer a conviction that , however amiable her temper , her heart was not likely to be easily touched . that i was desirous of believing her indifferent is certain  i will venture to say that my investigation and decisions are not usually influenced by my hopes or fears . i did not believe her to be indifferent because i wished it i believed it on impartial conviction , as truly as i wished it in reason . my objections to the marriage were not merely those which i last night acknowledged to have the utmost force of passion to put aside , in my own case the want of connection could not be so great an evil to my friend as to me . but there were other causes of repugnance causes which , though still existing , and existing to an equal degree in both instances , i had myself endeavoured to forget , because they were not immediately before me . these causes must be stated , though briefly . the situation of your mothers family , though objectionable , was nothing in comparison to that total want of propriety so frequently , so almost uniformly betrayed by herself , by your three younger sisters , and occasionally even by your father . pardon me . it pains me to offend you . but amidst your concern for the defects of your nearest relations , and your displeasure at this representation of them , let it give you consolation to consider that , to have conducted yourselves so as to avoid any share of the like censure , is praise no less generally bestowed on you and your elder sister , than it is honourable to the sense and disposition of both . i will only say farther that from what passed that evening , my opinion of all parties was confirmed , and every inducement heightened which could have led me before , to preserve my friend from what i esteemed a most unhappy connection . he left netherfield for london , on the day following , as you , i am certain , remember , with the design of soon returning . the part which i acted is now to be explained . his sisters uneasiness had been equally excited with my own our coincidence of feeling was soon discovered , and , alike sensible that no time was to be lost in detaching their brother , we shortly resolved on joining him directly in london . we accordingly went  there i readily engaged in the office of pointing out to my friend the certain evils of such a choice . i described , and enforced them earnestly . but , however this remonstrance might have staggered or delayed his determination , i do not suppose that it would ultimately have prevented the marriage , had it not been seconded by the assurance that i hesitated not in giving , of your sisters indifference . he had before believed her to return his affection with sincere , if not with equal regard . but bingley has great natural modesty , with a stronger dependence on my judgement than on his own . to convince him , therefore , that he had deceived himself , was no very difficult point . to persuade him against returning into hertfordshire , when that conviction had been given , was scarcely the work of a moment . i cannot blame myself for having done thus much . there is but one part of my conduct in the whole affair on which i do not reflect with satisfaction it is that i condescended to adopt the measures of art so far as to conceal from him your sisters being in town . i knew it myself , as it was known to miss bingley but her brother is even yet ignorant of it . that they might have met without ill consequence is perhaps probable but his regard did not appear to me enough extinguished for him to see her without some danger . perhaps this concealment , this disguise was beneath me it is done , however , and it was done for the best . on this subject i have nothing more to say , no other apology to offer . if i have wounded your sisters feelings , it was unknowingly done and though the motives which governed me may to you very naturally appear insufficient , i have not yet learnt to condemn them . with respect to that other , more weighty accusation , of having injured mr . wickham , i can only refute it by laying before you the whole of his connection with my family . of what he has particularly accused me i am ignorant but of the truth of what i shall relate , i can summon more than one witness of undoubted veracity . mr . wickham is the son of a very respectable man , who had for many years the management of all the pemberley estates , and whose good conduct in the discharge of his trust naturally inclined my father to be of service to him and on george wickham , who was his godson , his kindness was therefore liberally bestowed . my father supported him at school , and afterwards at cambridge  important assistance , as his own father , always poor from the extravagance of his wife , would have been unable to give him a gentlemans education . my father was not only fond of this young mans society , whose manners were always engaging he had also the highest opinion of him , and hoping the church would be his profession , intended to provide for him in it . as for myself , it is many , years since i first began to think of him in a very different manner . the vicious propensities  want of principle , which he was careful to guard from the knowledge of his best friend , could not escape the observation of a young man of nearly the same age with himself , and who had opportunities of seeing him in unguarded moments , which mr . darcy could not have . here again i shall give you pain  what degree you only can tell . but whatever may be the sentiments which mr . wickham has created , a suspicion of their nature shall not prevent me from unfolding his real character  adds even another motive . my excellent father died about five years ago and his attachment to mr . wickham was to the last so steady , that in his will he particularly recommended it to me , to promote his advancement in the best manner that his profession might allow  if he took orders , desired that a valuable family living might be his as soon as it became vacant . there was also a legacy of one thousand pounds . his own father did not long survive mine , and within half a year from these events , mr . wickham wrote to inform me that , having finally resolved against taking orders , he hoped i should not think it unreasonable for him to expect some more immediate pecuniary advantage , in lieu of the preferment , by which he could not be benefited . he had some intention , he added , of studying law , and i must be aware that the interest of one thousand pounds would be a very insufficient support therein . i rather wished , than believed him to be sincere but , at any rate , was perfectly ready to accede to his proposal . i knew that mr . wickham ought not to be a clergyman the business was therefore soon settled  resigned all claim to assistance in the church , were it possible that he could ever be in a situation to receive it , and accepted in return three thousand pounds . all connection between us seemed now dissolved . i thought too ill of him to invite him to pemberley , or admit his society in town . in town i believe he chiefly lived , but his studying the law was a mere pretence , and being now free from all restraint , his life was a life of idleness and dissipation . for about three years i heard little of him but on the decease of the incumbent of the living which had been designed for him , he applied to me again by letter for the presentation . his circumstances , he assured me , and i had no difficulty in believing it , were exceedingly bad . he had found the law a most unprofitable study , and was now absolutely resolved on being ordained , if i would present him to the living in question  which he trusted there could be little doubt , as he was well assured that i had no other person to provide for , and i could not have forgotten my revered fathers intentions . you will hardly blame me for refusing to comply with this entreaty , or for resisting every repetition to it . his resentment was in proportion to the distress of his circumstances  he was doubtless as violent in his abuse of me to others as in his reproaches to myself . after this period every appearance of acquaintance was dropped . how he lived i know not . but last summer he was again most painfully obtruded on my notice . i must now mention a circumstance which i would wish to forget myself , and which no obligation less than the present should induce me to unfold to any human being . having said thus much , i feel no doubt of your secrecy . my sister , who is more than ten years my junior , was left to the guardianship of my mothers nephew , colonel fitzwilliam , and myself . about a year ago , she was taken from school , and an establishment formed for her in london and last summer she went with the lady who presided over it , to ramsgate and thither also went mr . wickham , undoubtedly by design for there proved to have been a prior acquaintance between him and mrs . younge , in whose character we were most unhappily deceived and by her connivance and aid , he so far recommended himself to georgiana , whose affectionate heart retained a strong impression of his kindness to her as a child , that she was persuaded to believe herself in love , and to consent to an elopement . she was then but fifteen , which must be her excuse and after stating her imprudence , i am happy to add , that i owed the knowledge of it to herself . i joined them unexpectedly a day or two before the intended elopement , and then georgiana , unable to support the idea of grieving and offending a brother whom she almost looked up to as a father , acknowledged the whole to me . you may imagine what i felt and how i acted . regard for my sisters credit and feelings prevented any public exposure but i wrote to mr . wickham , who left the place immediately , and mrs . younge was of course removed from her charge . mr . wickhams chief object was unquestionably my sisters fortune , which is thirty thousand pounds but i cannot help supposing that the hope of revenging himself on me was a strong inducement . his revenge would have been complete indeed . this , madam , is a faithful narrative of every event in which we have been concerned together and if you do not absolutely reject it as false , you will , i hope , acquit me henceforth of cruelty towards mr . wickham . i know not in what manner , under what form of falsehood he had imposed on you but his success is not perhaps to be wondered at . ignorant as you previously were of everything concerning either , detection could not be in your power , and suspicion certainly not in your inclination . you may possibly wonder why all this was not told you last night but i was not then master enough of myself to know what could or ought to be revealed . for the truth of everything here related , i can appeal more particularly to the testimony of colonel fitzwilliam , who , from our near relationship and constant intimacy , and , still more , as one of the executors of my fathers will , has been unavoidably acquainted with every particular of these transactions . if your abhorrence of me should make my assertions valueless , you cannot be prevented by the same cause from confiding in my cousin and that there may be the possibility of consulting him , i shall endeavour to find some opportunity of putting this letter in your hands in the course of the morning . i will only add , god bless you . fitzwilliam darcy chapter if elizabeth , when mr . darcy gave her the letter , did not expect it to contain a renewal of his offers , she had formed no expectation at all of its contents . but such as they were , it may well be supposed how eagerly she went through them , and what a contrariety of emotion they excited . her feelings as she read were scarcely to be defined . with amazement did she first understand that he believed any apology to be in his power and steadfastly was she persuaded , that he could have no explanation to give , which a just sense of shame would not conceal . with a strong prejudice against everything he might say , she began his account of what had happened at netherfield . she read with an eagerness which hardly left her power of comprehension , and from impatience of knowing what the next sentence might bring , was incapable of attending to the sense of the one before her eyes . his belief of her sisters insensibility she instantly resolved to be false and his account of the real , the worst objections to the match , made her too angry to have any wish of doing him justice . he expressed no regret for what he had done which satisfied her his style was not penitent , but haughty . it was all pride and insolence . but when this subject was succeeded by his account of mr . wickham  she read with somewhat clearer attention a relation of events which , if true , must overthrow every cherished opinion of his worth , and which bore so alarming an affinity to his own history of himself  feelings were yet more acutely painful and more difficult of definition . astonishment , apprehension , and even horror , oppressed her . she wished to discredit it entirely , repeatedly exclaiming , this must be false . this cannot be . this must be the grossest falsehood . when she had gone through the whole letter , though scarcely knowing anything of the last page or two , put it hastily away , protesting that she would not regard it , that she would never look in it again . in this perturbed state of mind , with thoughts that could rest on nothing , she walked on but it would not do in half a minute the letter was unfolded again , and collecting herself as well as she could , she again began the mortifying perusal of all that related to wickham , and commanded herself so far as to examine the meaning of every sentence . the account of his connection with the pemberley family was exactly what he had related himself and the kindness of the late mr . darcy , though she had not before known its extent , agreed equally well with his own words . so far each recital confirmed the other but when she came to the will , the difference was great . what wickham had said of the living was fresh in her memory , and as she recalled his very words , it was impossible not to feel that there was gross duplicity on one side or the other and , for a few moments , she flattered herself that her wishes did not err . but when she read and re read with the closest attention , the particulars immediately following of wickhams resigning all pretensions to the living , of his receiving in lieu so considerable a sum as three thousand pounds , again was she forced to hesitate . she put down the letter , weighed every circumstance with what she meant to be impartiality  on the probability of each statement  with little success . on both sides it was only assertion . again she read on but every line proved more clearly that the affair , which she had believed it impossible that any contrivance could so represent as to render mr . darcys conduct in it less than infamous , was capable of a turn which must make him entirely blameless throughout the whole . the extravagance and general profligacy which he scrupled not to lay at mr . wickhams charge , exceedingly shocked her the more so , as she could bring no proof of its injustice . she had never heard of him before his entrance into the militia , in which he had engaged at the persuasion of the young man who , on meeting him accidentally in town , had there renewed a slight acquaintance . of his former way of life nothing had been known in hertfordshire but what he told himself . as to his real character , had information been in her power , she had never felt a wish of inquiring . his countenance , voice , and manner had established him at once in the possession of every virtue . she tried to recollect some instance of goodness , some distinguished trait of integrity or benevolence , that might rescue him from the attacks of mr . darcy or at least , by the predominance of virtue , atone for those casual errors under which she would endeavour to class what mr . darcy had described as the idleness and vice of many years continuance . but no such recollection befriended her . she could see him instantly before her , in every charm of air and address but she could remember no more substantial good than the general approbation of the neighbourhood , and the regard which his social powers had gained him in the mess . after pausing on this point a considerable while , she once more continued to read . but , alas . the story which followed , of his designs on miss darcy , received some confirmation from what had passed between colonel fitzwilliam and herself only the morning before and at last she was referred for the truth of every particular to colonel fitzwilliam himself  whom she had previously received the information of his near concern in all his cousins affairs , and whose character she had no reason to question . at one time she had almost resolved on applying to him , but the idea was checked by the awkwardness of the application , and at length wholly banished by the conviction that mr . darcy would never have hazarded such a proposal , if he had not been well assured of his cousins corroboration . she perfectly remembered everything that had passed in conversation between wickham and herself , in their first evening at mr . phillipss . many of his expressions were still fresh in her memory . she was now struck with the impropriety of such communications to a stranger , and wondered it had escaped her before . she saw the indelicacy of putting himself forward as he had done , and the inconsistency of his professions with his conduct . she remembered that he had boasted of having no fear of seeing mr . darcy  mr . darcy might leave the country , but that he should stand his ground yet he had avoided the netherfield ball the very next week . she remembered also that , till the netherfield family had quitted the country , he had told his story to no one but herself but that after their removal it had been everywhere discussed that he had then no reserves , no scruples in sinking mr . darcys character , though he had assured her that respect for the father would always prevent his exposing the son . how differently did everything now appear in which he was concerned . his attentions to miss king were now the consequence of views solely and hatefully mercenary and the mediocrity of her fortune proved no longer the moderation of his wishes , but his eagerness to grasp at anything . his behaviour to herself could now have had no tolerable motive he had either been deceived with regard to her fortune , or had been gratifying his vanity by encouraging the preference which she believed she had most incautiously shown . every lingering struggle in his favour grew fainter and fainter and in farther justification of mr . darcy , she could not but allow that mr . bingley , when questioned by jane , had long ago asserted his blamelessness in the affair that proud and repulsive as were his manners , she had never , in the whole course of their acquaintance  which had latterly brought them much together , and given her a sort of intimacy with his ways  anything that betrayed him to be unprincipled or unjust  that spoke him of irreligious or immoral habits that among his own connections he was esteemed and valued  even wickham had allowed him merit as a brother , and that she had often heard him speak so affectionately of his sister as to prove him capable of some amiable feeling that had his actions been what mr . wickham represented them , so gross a violation of everything right could hardly have been concealed from the world and that friendship between a person capable of it , and such an amiable man as mr . bingley , was incomprehensible . she grew absolutely ashamed of herself . of neither darcy nor wickham could she think without feeling she had been blind , partial , prejudiced , absurd . how despicably i have acted . she cried i , who have prided myself on my discernment . i , who have valued myself on my abilities . who have often disdained the generous candour of my sister , and gratified my vanity in useless or blameable mistrust . how humiliating is this discovery . yet , how just a humiliation . had i been in love , i could not have been more wretchedly blind . but vanity , not love , has been my folly . pleased with the preference of one , and offended by the neglect of the other , on the very beginning of our acquaintance , i have courted prepossession and ignorance , and driven reason away , where either were concerned . till this moment i never knew myself . from herself to jane  to bingley , her thoughts were in a line which soon brought to her recollection that mr . darcys explanation there had appeared very insufficient , and she read it again . widely different was the effect of a second perusal . how could she deny that credit to his assertions in one instance , which she had been obliged to give in the other . he declared himself to be totally unsuspicious of her sisters attachment and she could not help remembering what charlottes opinion had always been . neither could she deny the justice of his description of jane . she felt that janes feelings , though fervent , were little displayed , and that there was a constant complacency in her air and manner not often united with great sensibility . when she came to that part of the letter in which her family were mentioned in terms of such mortifying , yet merited reproach , her sense of shame was severe . the justice of the charge struck her too forcibly for denial , and the circumstances to which he particularly alluded as having passed at the netherfield ball , and as confirming all his first disapprobation , could not have made a stronger impression on his mind than on hers . the compliment to herself and her sister was not unfelt . it soothed , but it could not console her for the contempt which had thus been self attracted by the rest of her family and as she considered that janes disappointment had in fact been the work of her nearest relations , and reflected how materially the credit of both must be hurt by such impropriety of conduct , she felt depressed beyond anything she had ever known before . after wandering along the lane for two hours , giving way to every variety of thought  events , determining probabilities , and reconciling herself , as well as she could , to a change so sudden and so important , fatigue , and a recollection of her long absence , made her at length return home and she entered the house with the wish of appearing cheerful as usual , and the resolution of repressing such reflections as must make her unfit for conversation . she was immediately told that the two gentlemen from rosings had each called during her absence mr . darcy , only for a few minutes , to take leave  that colonel fitzwilliam had been sitting with them at least an hour , hoping for her return , and almost resolving to walk after her till she could be found . elizabeth could but just affect concern in missing him she really rejoiced at it . colonel fitzwilliam was no longer an object she could think only of her letter . chapter the two gentlemen left rosings the next morning , and mr . collins having been in waiting near the lodges , to make them his parting obeisance , was able to bring home the pleasing intelligence , of their appearing in very good health , and in as tolerable spirits as could be expected , after the melancholy scene so lately gone through at rosings . to rosings he then hastened , to console lady catherine and her daughter and on his return brought back , with great satisfaction , a message from her ladyship , importing that she felt herself so dull as to make her very desirous of having them all to dine with her . elizabeth could not see lady catherine without recollecting that , had she chosen it , she might by this time have been presented to her as her future niece nor could she think , without a smile , of what her ladyships indignation would have been . what would she have said . how would she have behaved . were questions with which she amused herself . their first subject was the diminution of the rosings party . i assure you , i feel it exceedingly , said lady catherine i believe no one feels the loss of friends so much as i do . but i am particularly attached to these young men , and know them to be so much attached to me . they were excessively sorry to go . but so they always are . the dear colonel rallied his spirits tolerably till just at last but darcy seemed to feel it most acutely , more , i think , than last year . his attachment to rosings certainly increases . mr . collins had a compliment , and an allusion to throw in here , which were kindly smiled on by the mother and daughter . lady catherine observed , after dinner , that miss bennet seemed out of spirits , and immediately accounting for it by herself , by supposing that she did not like to go home again so soon , she added but if that is the case , you must write to your mother and beg that you may stay a little longer . mrs . collins will be very glad of your company , i am sure . i am much obliged to your ladyship for your kind invitation , replied elizabeth , but it is not in my power to accept it . i must be in town next saturday . why , at that rate , you will have been here only six weeks . i expected you to stay two months . i told mrs . collins so before you came . there can be no occasion for your going so soon . mrs . bennet could certainly spare you for another fortnight . but my father cannot . he wrote last week to hurry my return . oh . your father of course may spare you , if your mother can . daughters are never of so much consequence to a father . and if you will stay another month complete , it will be in my power to take one of you as far as london , for i am going there early in june , for a week and as dawson does not object to the barouche box, , there will be very good room for one of you  indeed , if the weather should happen to be cool , i should not object to taking you both , as you are neither of you large . you are all kindness , madam but i believe we must abide by our original plan . lady catherine seemed resigned . mrs . collins , you must send a servant with them . you know i always speak my mind , and i cannot bear the idea of two young women travelling post by themselves . it is highly improper . you must contrive to send somebody . i have the greatest dislike in the world to that sort of thing . young women should always be properly guarded and attended , according to their situation in life . when my niece georgiana went to ramsgate last summer , i made a point of her having two men servants go with her . miss darcy , the daughter of mr . darcy , of pemberley , and lady anne , could not have appeared with propriety in a different manner . i am excessively attentive to all those things . you must send john with the young ladies , mrs . collins . i am glad it occurred to me to mention it for it would really be discreditable to you to let them go alone . my uncle is to send a servant for us . oh . your uncle . he keeps a man servant, , does he . i am very glad you have somebody who thinks of these things . where shall you change horses . oh . bromley , of course . if you mention my name at the bell , you will be attended to . lady catherine had many other questions to ask respecting their journey , and as she did not answer them all herself , attention was necessary , which elizabeth believed to be lucky for her or , with a mind so occupied , she might have forgotten where she was . reflection must be reserved for solitary hours whenever she was alone , she gave way to it as the greatest relief and not a day went by without a solitary walk , in which she might indulge in all the delight of unpleasant recollections . mr . darcys letter she was in a fair way of soon knowing by heart . she studied every sentence and her feelings towards its writer were at times widely different . when she remembered the style of his address , she was still full of indignation but when she considered how unjustly she had condemned and upbraided him , her anger was turned against herself and his disappointed feelings became the object of compassion . his attachment excited gratitude , his general character respect but she could not approve him nor could she for a moment repent her refusal , or feel the slightest inclination ever to see him again . in her own past behaviour , there was a constant source of vexation and regret and in the unhappy defects of her family , a subject of yet heavier chagrin . they were hopeless of remedy . her father , contented with laughing at them , would never exert himself to restrain the wild giddiness of his youngest daughters and her mother , with manners so far from right herself , was entirely insensible of the evil . elizabeth had frequently united with jane in an endeavour to check the imprudence of catherine and lydia but while they were supported by their mothers indulgence , what chance could there be of improvement . catherine , weak spirited, , irritable , and completely under lydias guidance , had been always affronted by their advice and lydia , self willed and careless , would scarcely give them a hearing . they were ignorant , idle , and vain . while there was an officer in meryton , they would flirt with him and while meryton was within a walk of longbourn , they would be going there forever . anxiety on janes behalf was another prevailing concern and mr . darcys explanation , by restoring bingley to all her former good opinion , heightened the sense of what jane had lost . his affection was proved to have been sincere , and his conduct cleared of all blame , unless any could attach to the implicitness of his confidence in his friend . how grievous then was the thought that , of a situation so desirable in every respect , so replete with advantage , so promising for happiness , jane had been deprived , by the folly and indecorum of her own family . when to these recollections was added the development of wickhams character , it may be easily believed that the happy spirits which had seldom been depressed before , were now so much affected as to make it almost impossible for her to appear tolerably cheerful . their engagements at rosings were as frequent during the last week of her stay as they had been at first . the very last evening was spent there and her ladyship again inquired minutely into the particulars of their journey , gave them directions as to the best method of packing , and was so urgent on the necessity of placing gowns in the only right way , that maria thought herself obliged , on her return , to undo all the work of the morning , and pack her trunk afresh . when they parted , lady catherine , with great condescension , wished them a good journey , and invited them to come to hunsford again next year and miss de bourgh exerted herself so far as to curtsey and hold out her hand to both . chapter on saturday morning elizabeth and mr . collins met for breakfast a few minutes before the others appeared and he took the opportunity of paying the parting civilities which he deemed indispensably necessary . i know not , miss elizabeth , said he , whether mrs . collins has yet expressed her sense of your kindness in coming to us but i am very certain you will not leave the house without receiving her thanks for it . the favour of your company has been much felt , i assure you . we know how little there is to tempt anyone to our humble abode . our plain manner of living , our small rooms and few domestics , and the little we see of the world , must make hunsford extremely dull to a young lady like yourself but i hope you will believe us grateful for the condescension , and that we have done everything in our power to prevent your spending your time unpleasantly . elizabeth was eager with her thanks and assurances of happiness . she had spent six weeks with great enjoyment and the pleasure of being with charlotte , and the kind attentions she had received , must make her feel the obliged . mr . collins was gratified , and with a more smiling solemnity replied it gives me great pleasure to hear that you have passed your time not disagreeably . we have certainly done our best and most fortunately having it in our power to introduce you to very superior society , and , from our connection with rosings , the frequent means of varying the humble home scene , i think we may flatter ourselves that your hunsford visit cannot have been entirely irksome . our situation with regard to lady catherines family is indeed the sort of extraordinary advantage and blessing which few can boast . you see on what a footing we are . you see how continually we are engaged there . in truth i must acknowledge that , with all the disadvantages of this humble parsonage , i should not think anyone abiding in it an object of compassion , while they are sharers of our intimacy at rosings . words were insufficient for the elevation of his feelings and he was obliged to walk about the room , while elizabeth tried to unite civility and truth in a few short sentences . you may , in fact , carry a very favourable report of us into hertfordshire , my dear cousin . i flatter myself at least that you will be able to do so . lady catherines great attentions to mrs . collins you have been a daily witness of and altogether i trust it does not appear that your friend has drawn an unfortunate  on this point it will be as well to be silent . only let me assure you , my dear miss elizabeth , that i can from my heart most cordially wish you equal felicity in marriage . my dear charlotte and i have but one mind and one way of thinking . there is in everything a most remarkable resemblance of character and ideas between us . we seem to have been designed for each other . elizabeth could safely say that it was a great happiness where that was the case , and with equal sincerity could add , that she firmly believed and rejoiced in his domestic comforts . she was not sorry , however , to have the recital of them interrupted by the lady from whom they sprang . poor charlotte . it was melancholy to leave her to such society . but she had chosen it with her eyes open and though evidently regretting that her visitors were to go , she did not seem to ask for compassion . her home and her housekeeping , her parish and her poultry , and all their dependent concerns , had not yet lost their charms . at length the chaise arrived , the trunks were fastened on , the parcels placed within , and it was pronounced to be ready . after an affectionate parting between the friends , elizabeth was attended to the carriage by mr . collins , and as they walked down the garden he was commissioning her with his best respects to all her family , not forgetting his thanks for the kindness he had received at longbourn in the winter , and his compliments to mr . and mrs . gardiner , though unknown . he then handed her in , maria followed , and the door was on the point of being closed , when he suddenly reminded them , with some consternation , that they had hitherto forgotten to leave any message for the ladies at rosings . but , he added , you will of course wish to have your humble respects delivered to them , with your grateful thanks for their kindness to you while you have been here . elizabeth made no objection the door was then allowed to be shut , and the carriage drove off . good gracious . cried maria , after a few minutes silence , it seems but a day or two since we first came . and yet how many things have happened . a great many indeed , said her companion with a sigh . we have dined nine times at rosings , besides drinking tea there twice . how much i shall have to tell . elizabeth added privately , and how much i shall have to conceal . their journey was performed without much conversation , or any alarm and within four hours of their leaving hunsford they reached mr . gardiners house , where they were to remain a few days . jane looked well , and elizabeth had little opportunity of studying her spirits , amidst the various engagements which the kindness of her aunt had reserved for them . but jane was to go home with her , and at longbourn there would be leisure enough for observation . it was not without an effort , meanwhile , that she could wait even for longbourn , before she told her sister of mr . darcys proposals . to know that she had the power of revealing what would so exceedingly astonish jane , and must , at the same time , so highly gratify whatever of her own vanity she had not yet been able to reason away , was such a temptation to openness as nothing could have conquered but the state of indecision in which she remained as to the extent of what she should communicate and her fear , if she once entered on the subject , of being hurried into repeating something of bingley which might only grieve her sister further . chapter it was the second week in may , in which the three young ladies set out together from gracechurch street for the town of in hertfordshire and , as they drew near the appointed inn where mr . bennets carriage was to meet them , they quickly perceived , in token of the coachmans punctuality , both kitty and lydia looking out of a dining room up stairs . these two girls had been above an hour in the place , happily employed in visiting an opposite milliner , watching the sentinel on guard , and dressing a salad and cucumber . after welcoming their sisters , they triumphantly displayed a table set out with such cold meat as an inn larder usually affords , exclaiming , is not this nice . is not this an agreeable surprise . and we mean to treat you all , added lydia , but you must lend us the money , for we have just spent ours at the shop out there . then , showing her purchases  here , i have bought this bonnet . i do not think it is very pretty but i thought i might as well buy it as not . i shall pull it to pieces as soon as i get home , and see if i can make it up any better . and when her sisters abused it as ugly , she added , with perfect unconcern , oh . but there were two or three much uglier in the shop and when i have bought some prettier coloured satin to trim it with fresh , i think it will be very tolerable . besides , it will not much signify what one wears this summer , after the have left meryton , and they are going in a fortnight . are they indeed . cried elizabeth , with the greatest satisfaction . they are going to be encamped near brighton and i do so want papa to take us all there for the summer . it would be such a delicious scheme and i dare say would hardly cost anything at all . mamma would like to go too of all things . only think what a miserable summer else we shall have . yes , thought elizabeth , that would be a delightful scheme indeed , and completely do for us at once . good heaven . brighton , and a whole campful of soldiers , to us , who have been overset already by one poor regiment of militia , and the monthly balls of meryton . now i have got some news for you , said lydia , as they sat down at table . what do you think . it is excellent news  about a certain person we all like . jane and elizabeth looked at each other , and the waiter was told he need not stay . lydia laughed , and said aye , that is just like your formality and discretion . you thought the waiter must not hear , as if he cared . i dare say he often hears worse things said than i am going to say . but he is an ugly fellow . i am glad he is gone . i never saw such a long chin in my life . well , but now for my news it is about dear wickham too good for the waiter , is it not . there is no danger of wickhams marrying mary king . theres for you . she is gone down to her uncle at liverpool gone to stay . wickham is safe . and mary king is safe . added elizabeth safe from a connection imprudent as to fortune . she is a great fool for going away , if she liked him . but i hope there is no strong attachment on either side , said jane . i am sure there is not on his . i will answer for it , he never cared three straws about her  could about such a nasty little freckled thing . elizabeth was shocked to think that , however incapable of such coarseness of expression herself , the coarseness of the sentiment was little other than her own breast had harboured and fancied liberal . as soon as all had ate , and the elder ones paid , the carriage was ordered and after some contrivance , the whole party , with all their boxes , work bags, , and parcels , and the unwelcome addition of kittys and lydias purchases , were seated in it . how nicely we are all crammed in , cried lydia . i am glad i bought my bonnet , if it is only for the fun of having another bandbox . well , now let us be quite comfortable and snug , and talk and laugh all the way home . and in the first place , let us hear what has happened to you all since you went away . have you seen any pleasant men . have you had any flirting . i was in great hopes that one of you would have got a husband before you came back . jane will be quite an old maid soon , i declare . she is almost three and . lord , how ashamed i should be of not being married before three and . my aunt phillips wants you so to get husbands , you cant think . she says lizzy had better have taken mr . collins but i do not think there would have been any fun in it . lord . how i should like to be married before any of you and then i would chaperon you about to all the balls . dear me . we had such a good piece of fun the other day at colonel forsters . kitty and me were to spend the day there , and mrs . forster promised to have a little dance in the evening and so she asked the two harringtons to come , but harriet was ill , and so pen was forced to come by herself and then , what do you think we did . we dressed up chamberlayne in womans clothes on purpose to pass for a lady , only think what fun . not a soul knew of it , but colonel and mrs . forster , and kitty and me , except my aunt , for we were forced to borrow one of her gowns and you cannot imagine how well he looked . when denny , and wickham , and pratt , and two or three more of the men came in , they did not know him in the least . lord . how i laughed . and so did mrs . forster . i thought i should have died . and that made the men suspect something , and then they soon found out what was the matter . with such kinds of histories of their parties and good jokes , did lydia , assisted by kittys hints and additions , endeavour to amuse her companions all the way to longbourn . elizabeth listened as little as she could , but there was no escaping the frequent mention of wickhams name . their reception at home was most kind . mrs . bennet rejoiced to see jane in undiminished beauty and more than once during dinner did mr . bennet say voluntarily to elizabeth i am glad you are come back , lizzy . their party in the dining room was large , for almost all the lucases came to meet maria and hear the news and various were the subjects that occupied them lady lucas was inquiring of maria , after the welfare and poultry of her eldest daughter mrs . bennet was doubly engaged , on one hand collecting an account of the present fashions from jane , who sat some way below her , and , on the other , retailing them all to the younger lucases and lydia , in a voice rather louder than any other persons , was enumerating the various pleasures of the morning to anybody who would hear her . oh . mary , said she , i wish you had gone with us , for we had such fun . as we went along , kitty and i drew up the blinds , and pretended there was nobody in the coach and i should have gone so all the way , if kitty had not been sick and when we got to the george , i do think we behaved very handsomely , for we treated the other three with the nicest cold luncheon in the world , and if you would have gone , we would have treated you too . and then when we came away it was such fun . i thought we never should have got into the coach . i was ready to die of laughter . and then we were so merry all the way home . we talked and laughed so loud , that anybody might have heard us ten miles off . to this mary very gravely replied , far be it from me , my dear sister , to depreciate such pleasures . they would doubtless be congenial with the generality of female minds . but i confess they would have no charms for me  should infinitely prefer a book . but of this answer lydia heard not a word . she seldom listened to anybody for more than half a minute , and never attended to mary at all . in the afternoon lydia was urgent with the rest of the girls to walk to meryton , and to see how everybody went on but elizabeth steadily opposed the scheme . it should not be said that the miss bennets could not be at home half a day before they were in pursuit of the officers . there was another reason too for her opposition . she dreaded seeing mr . wickham again , and was resolved to avoid it as long as possible . the comfort to her of the regiments approaching removal was indeed beyond expression . in a fortnight they were to go  once gone , she hoped there could be nothing more to plague her on his account . she had not been many hours at home before she found that the brighton scheme , of which lydia had given them a hint at the inn , was under frequent discussion between her parents . elizabeth saw directly that her father had not the smallest intention of yielding but his answers were at the same time so vague and equivocal , that her mother , though often disheartened , had never yet despaired of succeeding at last . chapter elizabeths impatience to acquaint jane with what had happened could no longer be overcome and at length , resolving to suppress every particular in which her sister was concerned , and preparing her to be surprised , she related to her the next morning the chief of the scene between mr . darcy and herself . miss bennets astonishment was soon lessened by the strong sisterly partiality which made any admiration of elizabeth appear perfectly natural and all surprise was shortly lost in other feelings . she was sorry that mr . darcy should have delivered his sentiments in a manner so little suited to recommend them but still more was she grieved for the unhappiness which her sisters refusal must have given him . his being so sure of succeeding was wrong , said she , and certainly ought not to have appeared but consider how much it must increase his disappointment . indeed , replied elizabeth , i am heartily sorry for him but he has other feelings , which will probably soon drive away his regard for me . you do not blame me , however , for refusing him . blame you . oh , no . but you blame me for having spoken so warmly of wickham . no  do not know that you were wrong in saying what you did . but you will know it , when i tell you what happened the very next day . she then spoke of the letter , repeating the whole of its contents as far as they concerned george wickham . what a stroke was this for poor jane . who would willingly have gone through the world without believing that so much wickedness existed in the whole race of mankind , as was here collected in one individual . nor was darcys vindication , though grateful to her feelings , capable of consoling her for such discovery . most earnestly did she labour to prove the probability of error , and seek to clear the one without involving the other . this will not do , said elizabeth you never will be able to make both of them good for anything . take your choice , but you must be satisfied with only one . there is but such a quantity of merit between them just enough to make one good sort of man and of late it has been shifting about pretty much . for my part , i am inclined to believe it all darcys but you shall do as you choose . it was some time , however , before a smile could be extorted from jane . i do not know when i have been more shocked , said she . wickham so very bad . it is almost past belief . and poor mr . darcy . dear lizzy , only consider what he must have suffered . such a disappointment . and with the knowledge of your ill opinion , too . and having to relate such a thing of his sister . it is really too distressing . i am sure you must feel it so . oh . no , my regret and compassion are all done away by seeing you so full of both . i know you will do him such ample justice , that i am growing every moment more unconcerned and indifferent . your profusion makes me saving and if you lament over him much longer , my heart will be as light as a feather . poor wickham . there is such an expression of goodness in his countenance . such an openness and gentleness in his manner . there certainly was some great mismanagement in the education of those two young men . one has got all the goodness , and the other all the appearance of it . i never thought mr . darcy so deficient in the appearance of it as you used to do . and yet i meant to be uncommonly clever in taking so decided a dislike to him , without any reason . it is such a spur to ones genius , such an opening for wit , to have a dislike of that kind . one may be continually abusive without saying anything just but one cannot always be laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty . lizzy , when you first read that letter , i am sure you could not treat the matter as you do now . indeed , i could not . i was uncomfortable enough , i may say unhappy . and with no one to speak to about what i felt , no jane to comfort me and say that i had not been so very weak and vain and nonsensical as i knew i had . oh . how i wanted you . how unfortunate that you should have used such very strong expressions in speaking of wickham to mr . darcy , for now they do appear wholly undeserved . certainly . but the misfortune of speaking with bitterness is a most natural consequence of the prejudices i had been encouraging . there is one point on which i want your advice . i want to be told whether i ought , or ought not , to make our acquaintances in general understand wickhams character . miss bennet paused a little , and then replied , surely there can be no occasion for exposing him so dreadfully . what is your opinion . that it ought not to be attempted . mr . darcy has not authorised me to make his communication public . on the contrary , every particular relative to his sister was meant to be kept as much as possible to myself and if i endeavour to undeceive people as to the rest of his conduct , who will believe me . the general prejudice against mr . darcy is so violent , that it would be the death of half the good people in meryton to attempt to place him in an amiable light . i am not equal to it . wickham will soon be gone and therefore it will not signify to anyone here what he really is . some time hence it will be all found out , and then we may laugh at their stupidity in not knowing it before . at present i will say nothing about it . you are quite right . to have his errors made public might ruin him for ever . he is now , perhaps , sorry for what he has done , and anxious to re establish a character . we must not make him desperate . the tumult of elizabeths mind was allayed by this conversation . she had got rid of two of the secrets which had weighed on her for a fortnight , and was certain of a willing listener in jane , whenever she might wish to talk again of either . but there was still something lurking behind , of which prudence forbade the disclosure . she dared not relate the other half of mr . darcys letter , nor explain to her sister how sincerely she had been valued by her friend . here was knowledge in which no one could partake and she was sensible that nothing less than a perfect understanding between the parties could justify her in throwing off this last encumbrance of mystery . and then , said she , if that very improbable event should ever take place , i shall merely be able to tell what bingley may tell in a much more agreeable manner himself . the liberty of communication cannot be mine till it has lost all its value . she was now , on being settled at home , at leisure to observe the real state of her sisters spirits . jane was not happy . she still cherished a very tender affection for bingley . having never even fancied herself in love before , her regard had all the warmth of first attachment , and , from her age and disposition , greater steadiness than most first attachments often boast and so fervently did she value his remembrance , and prefer him to every other man , that all her good sense , and all her attention to the feelings of her friends , were requisite to check the indulgence of those regrets which must have been injurious to her own health and their tranquillity . well , lizzy , said mrs . bennet one day , what is your opinion now of this sad business of janes . for my part , i am determined never to speak of it again to anybody . i told my sister phillips so the other day . but i cannot find out that jane saw anything of him in london . well , he is a very undeserving young man  i do not suppose theres the least chance in the world of her ever getting him now . there is no talk of his coming to netherfield again in the summer and i have inquired of everybody , too , who is likely to know . i do not believe he will ever live at netherfield any more . oh well . it is just as he chooses . nobody wants him to come . though i shall always say he used my daughter extremely ill and if i was her , i would not have put up with it . well , my comfort is , i am sure jane will die of a broken heart and then he will be sorry for what he has done . but as elizabeth could not receive comfort from any such expectation , she made no answer . well , lizzy , continued her mother , soon afterwards , and so the collinses live very comfortable , do they . well , i only hope it will last . and what sort of table do they keep . charlotte is an excellent manager , i dare say . if she is half as sharp as her mother , she is saving enough . there is nothing extravagant in their housekeeping , i dare say . no , nothing at all . a great deal of good management , depend upon it . yes , they will take care not to outrun their income . they will never be distressed for money . well , much good may it do them . and so , i suppose , they often talk of having longbourn when your father is dead . they look upon it as quite their own , i dare say , whenever that happens . it was a subject which they could not mention before me . no it would have been strange if they had but i make no doubt they often talk of it between themselves . well , if they can be easy with an estate that is not lawfully their own , so much the better . i should be ashamed of having one that was only entailed on me . chapter the first week of their return was soon gone . the second began . it was the last of the regiments stay in meryton , and all the young ladies in the neighbourhood were drooping apace . the dejection was almost universal . the elder miss bennets alone were still able to eat , drink , and sleep , and pursue the usual course of their employments . very frequently were they reproached for this insensibility by kitty and lydia , whose own misery was extreme , and who could not comprehend such hard heartedness in any of the family . good heaven . what is to become of us . what are we to do . would they often exclaim in the bitterness of woe . how can you be smiling so , lizzy . their affectionate mother shared all their grief she remembered what she had herself endured on a similar occasion , five and years ago . i am sure , said she , i cried for two days together when colonel millers regiment went away . i thought i should have broken my heart . i am sure i shall break mine , said lydia . if one could but go to brighton . observed mrs . bennet . oh , yes . one could but go to brighton . but papa is so disagreeable . a little sea bathing would set me up forever . and my aunt phillips is sure it would do me a great deal of good , added kitty . such were the kind of lamentations resounding perpetually through longbourn house . elizabeth tried to be diverted by them but all sense of pleasure was lost in shame . she felt anew the justice of mr . darcys objections and never had she been so much disposed to pardon his interference in the views of his friend . but the gloom of lydias prospect was shortly cleared away for she received an invitation from mrs . forster , the wife of the colonel of the regiment , to accompany her to brighton . this invaluable friend was a very young woman , and very lately married . a resemblance in good humour and good spirits had recommended her and lydia to each other , and out of their three months acquaintance they had been intimate two . the rapture of lydia on this occasion , her adoration of mrs . forster , the delight of mrs . bennet , and the mortification of kitty , are scarcely to be described . wholly inattentive to her sisters feelings , lydia flew about the house in restless ecstasy , calling for everyones congratulations , and laughing and talking with more violence than ever whilst the luckless kitty continued in the parlour repined at her fate in terms as unreasonable as her accent was peevish . i cannot see why mrs . forster should not ask me as well as lydia , said she , though i am not her particular friend . i have just as much right to be asked as she has , and more too , for i am two years older . in vain did elizabeth attempt to make her reasonable , and jane to make her resigned . as for elizabeth herself , this invitation was so far from exciting in her the same feelings as in her mother and lydia , that she considered it as the death warrant of all possibility of common sense for the latter and detestable as such a step must make her were it known , she could not help secretly advising her father not to let her go . she represented to him all the improprieties of lydias general behaviour , the little advantage she could derive from the friendship of such a woman as mrs . forster , and the probability of her being yet more imprudent with such a companion at brighton , where the temptations must be greater than at home . he heard her attentively , and then said lydia will never be easy until she has exposed herself in some public place or other , and we can never expect her to do it with so little expense or inconvenience to her family as under the present circumstances . if you were aware , said elizabeth , of the very great disadvantage to us all which must arise from the public notice of lydias unguarded and imprudent manner  , which has already arisen from it , i am sure you would judge differently in the affair . already arisen . repeated mr . bennet . what , has she frightened away some of your lovers . poor little lizzy . but do not be cast down . such squeamish youths as cannot bear to be connected with a little absurdity are not worth a regret . come , let me see the list of pitiful fellows who have been kept aloof by lydias folly . indeed you are mistaken . i have no such injuries to resent . it is not of particular , but of general evils , which i am now complaining . our importance , our respectability in the world must be affected by the wild volatility , the assurance and disdain of all restraint which mark lydias character . excuse me , for i must speak plainly . if you , my dear father , will not take the trouble of checking her exuberant spirits , and of teaching her that her present pursuits are not to be the business of her life , she will soon be beyond the reach of amendment . her character will be fixed , and she will , at sixteen , be the most determined flirt that ever made herself or her family ridiculous a flirt , too , in the worst and meanest degree of flirtation without any attraction beyond youth and a tolerable person and , from the ignorance and emptiness of her mind , wholly unable to ward off any portion of that universal contempt which her rage for admiration will excite . in this danger kitty also is comprehended . she will follow wherever lydia leads . vain , ignorant , idle , and absolutely uncontrolled . oh . my dear father , can you suppose it possible that they will not be censured and despised wherever they are known , and that their sisters will not be often involved in the disgrace . mr . bennet saw that her whole heart was in the subject , and affectionately taking her hand said in reply do not make yourself uneasy , my love . wherever you and jane are known you must be respected and valued and you will not appear to less advantage for having a couple of  i may say , three  silly sisters . we shall have no peace at longbourn if lydia does not go to brighton . let her go , then . colonel forster is a sensible man , and will keep her out of any real mischief and she is luckily too poor to be an object of prey to anybody . at brighton she will be of less importance even as a common flirt than she has been here . the officers will find women better worth their notice . let us hope , therefore , that her being there may teach her own insignificance . at any rate , she cannot grow many degrees worse , without authorising us to lock her up for the rest of her life . with this answer elizabeth was forced to be content but her own opinion continued the same , and she left him disappointed and sorry . it was not in her nature , however , to increase her vexations by dwelling on them . she was confident of having performed her duty , and to fret over unavoidable evils , or augment them by anxiety , was no part of her disposition . had lydia and her mother known the substance of her conference with her father , their indignation would hardly have found expression in their united volubility . in lydias imagination , a visit to brighton comprised every possibility of earthly happiness . she saw , with the creative eye of fancy , the streets of that gay bathing place covered with officers . she saw herself the object of attention , to tens and to scores of them at present unknown . she saw all the glories of the camp  tents stretched forth in beauteous uniformity of lines , crowded with the young and the gay , and dazzling with scarlet and , to complete the view , she saw herself seated beneath a tent , tenderly flirting with at least six officers at once . had she known her sister sought to tear her from such prospects and such realities as these , what would have been her sensations . they could have been understood only by her mother , who might have felt nearly the same . lydias going to brighton was all that consoled her for her melancholy conviction of her husbands never intending to go there himself . but they were entirely ignorant of what had passed and their raptures continued , with little intermission , to the very day of lydias leaving home . elizabeth was now to see mr . wickham for the last time . having been frequently in company with him since her return , agitation was pretty well over the agitations of former partiality entirely so . she had even learnt to detect , in the very gentleness which had first delighted her , an affectation and a sameness to disgust and weary . in his present behaviour to herself , moreover , she had a fresh source of displeasure , for the inclination he soon testified of renewing those intentions which had marked the early part of their acquaintance could only serve , after what had since passed , to provoke her . she lost all concern for him in finding herself thus selected as the object of such idle and frivolous gallantry and while she steadily repressed it , could not but feel the reproof contained in his believing , that however long , and for whatever cause , his attentions had been withdrawn , her vanity would be gratified , and her preference secured at any time by their renewal . on the very last day of the regiments remaining at meryton , he dined , with other of the officers , at longbourn and so little was elizabeth disposed to part from him in good humour , that on his making some inquiry as to the manner in which her time had passed at hunsford , she mentioned colonel fitzwilliams and mr . darcys having both spent three weeks at rosings , and asked him , if he was acquainted with the former . he looked surprised , displeased , alarmed but with a moments recollection and a returning smile , replied , that he had formerly seen him often and , after observing that he was a very gentlemanlike man , asked her how she had liked him . her answer was warmly in his favour . with an air of indifference he soon afterwards added how long did you say he was at rosings . nearly three weeks . and you saw him frequently . yes , almost every day . his manners are very different from his cousins . yes , very different . but i think mr . darcy improves upon acquaintance . indeed . cried mr . wickham with a look which did not escape her . and pray , may i ask . but checking himself , he added , in a gayer tone , is it in address that he improves . has he deigned to add aught of civility to his ordinary style . i dare not hope , he continued in a lower and more serious tone , that he is improved in essentials . oh , no . said elizabeth . in essentials , i believe , he is very much what he ever was . while she spoke , wickham looked as if scarcely knowing whether to rejoice over her words , or to distrust their meaning . there was a something in her countenance which made him listen with an apprehensive and anxious attention , while she added when i said that he improved on acquaintance , i did not mean that his mind or his manners were in a state of improvement , but that , from knowing him better , his disposition was better understood . wickhams alarm now appeared in a heightened complexion and agitated look for a few minutes he was silent , till , shaking off his embarrassment , he turned to her again , and said in the gentlest of accents you , who so well know my feeling towards mr . darcy , will readily comprehend how sincerely i must rejoice that he is wise enough to assume even the appearance of what is right . his pride , in that direction , may be of service , if not to himself , to many others , for it must only deter him from such foul misconduct as i have suffered by . i only fear that the sort of cautiousness to which you , i imagine , have been alluding , is merely adopted on his visits to his aunt , of whose good opinion and judgement he stands much in awe . his fear of her has always operated , i know , when they were together and a good deal is to be imputed to his wish of forwarding the match with miss de bourgh , which i am certain he has very much at heart . elizabeth could not repress a smile at this , but she answered only by a slight inclination of the head . she saw that he wanted to engage her on the old subject of his grievances , and she was in no humour to indulge him . the rest of the evening passed with the appearance , on his side , of usual cheerfulness , but with no further attempt to distinguish elizabeth and they parted at last with mutual civility , and possibly a mutual desire of never meeting again . when the party broke up , lydia returned with mrs . forster to meryton , from whence they were to set out early the next morning . the separation between her and her family was rather noisy than pathetic . kitty was the only one who shed tears but she did weep from vexation and envy . mrs . bennet was diffuse in her good wishes for the felicity of her daughter , and impressive in her injunctions that she should not miss the opportunity of enjoying herself as much as possible  which there was every reason to believe would be well attended to and in the clamorous happiness of lydia herself in bidding farewell , the more gentle adieus of her sisters were uttered without being heard . chapter had elizabeths opinion been all drawn from her own family , she could not have formed a very pleasing opinion of conjugal felicity or domestic comfort . her father , captivated by youth and beauty , and that appearance of good humour which youth and beauty generally give , had married a woman whose weak understanding and illiberal mind had very early in their marriage put an end to all real affection for her . respect , esteem , and confidence had vanished for ever and all his views of domestic happiness were overthrown . but mr . bennet was not of a disposition to seek comfort for the disappointment which his own imprudence had brought on , in any of those pleasures which too often console the unfortunate for their folly or their vice . he was fond of the country and of books and from these tastes had arisen his principal enjoyments . to his wife he was very little otherwise indebted , than as her ignorance and folly had contributed to his amusement . this is not the sort of happiness which a man would in general wish to owe to his wife but where other powers of entertainment are wanting , the true philosopher will derive benefit from such as are given . elizabeth , however , had never been blind to the impropriety of her fathers behaviour as a husband . she had always seen it with pain but respecting his abilities , and grateful for his affectionate treatment of herself , she endeavoured to forget what she could not overlook , and to banish from her thoughts that continual breach of conjugal obligation and decorum which , in exposing his wife to the contempt of her own children , was so highly reprehensible . but she had never felt so strongly as now the disadvantages which must attend the children of so unsuitable a marriage , nor ever been so fully aware of the evils arising from so ill judged a direction of talents which , rightly used , might at least have preserved the respectability of his daughters , even if incapable of enlarging the mind of his wife . when elizabeth had rejoiced over wickhams departure she found little other cause for satisfaction in the loss of the regiment . their parties abroad were less varied than before , and at home she had a mother and sister whose constant repinings at the dullness of everything around them threw a real gloom over their domestic circle and , though kitty might in time regain her natural degree of sense , since the disturbers of her brain were removed , her other sister , from whose disposition greater evil might be apprehended , was likely to be hardened in all her folly and assurance by a situation of such double danger as a watering place and a camp . upon the whole , therefore , she found , what has been sometimes found before , that an event to which she had been looking with impatient desire did not , in taking place , bring all the satisfaction she had promised herself . it was consequently necessary to name some other period for the commencement of actual felicity  have some other point on which her wishes and hopes might be fixed , and by again enjoying the pleasure of anticipation , console herself for the present , and prepare for another disappointment . her tour to the lakes was now the object of her happiest thoughts it was her best consolation for all the uncomfortable hours which the discontentedness of her mother and kitty made inevitable and could she have included jane in the scheme , every part of it would have been perfect . but it is fortunate , thought she , that i have something to wish for . were the whole arrangement complete , my disappointment would be certain . but here , by carrying with me one ceaseless source of regret in my sisters absence , i may reasonably hope to have all my expectations of pleasure realised . a scheme of which every part promises delight can never be successful and general disappointment is only warded off by the defence of some little peculiar vexation . when lydia went away she promised to write very often and very minutely to her mother and kitty but her letters were always long expected , and always very short . those to her mother contained little else than that they were just returned from the library , where such and such officers had attended them , and where she had seen such beautiful ornaments as made her quite wild that she had a new gown , or a new parasol , which she would have described more fully , but was obliged to leave off in a violent hurry , as mrs . forster called her , and they were going off to the camp and from her correspondence with her sister , there was still less to be learnt  her letters to kitty , though rather longer , were much too full of lines under the words to be made public . after the first fortnight or three weeks of her absence , health , good humour , and cheerfulness began to reappear at longbourn . everything wore a happier aspect . the families who had been in town for the winter came back again , and summer finery and summer engagements arose . mrs . bennet was restored to her usual querulous serenity and , by the middle of june , kitty was so much recovered as to be able to enter meryton without tears an event of such happy promise as to make elizabeth hope that by the following christmas she might be so tolerably reasonable as not to mention an officer above once a day , unless , by some cruel and malicious arrangement at the war office , another regiment should be quartered in meryton . the time fixed for the beginning of their northern tour was now fast approaching , and a fortnight only was wanting of it , when a letter arrived from mrs . gardiner , which at once delayed its commencement and curtailed its extent . mr . gardiner would be prevented by business from setting out till a fortnight later in july , and must be in london again within a month , and as that left too short a period for them to go so far , and see so much as they had proposed , or at least to see it with the leisure and comfort they had built on , they were obliged to give up the lakes , and substitute a more contracted tour , and , according to the present plan , were to go no farther northwards than derbyshire . in that county there was enough to be seen to occupy the chief of their three weeks and to mrs . gardiner it had a peculiarly strong attraction . the town where she had formerly passed some years of her life , and where they were now to spend a few days , was probably as great an object of her curiosity as all the celebrated beauties of matlock , chatsworth , dovedale , or the peak . elizabeth was excessively disappointed she had set her heart on seeing the lakes , and still thought there might have been time enough . but it was her business to be satisfied  certainly her temper to be happy and all was soon right again . with the mention of derbyshire there were many ideas connected . it was impossible for her to see the word without thinking of pemberley and its owner . but surely , said she , i may enter his county with impunity , and rob it of a few petrified spars without his perceiving me . the period of expectation was now doubled . four weeks were to pass away before her uncle and aunts arrival . but they did pass away , and mr . and mrs . gardiner , with their four children , did at length appear at longbourn . the children , two girls of six and eight years old , and two younger boys , were to be left under the particular care of their cousin jane , who was the general favourite , and whose steady sense and sweetness of temper exactly adapted her for attending to them in every way  them , playing with them , and loving them . the gardiners stayed only one night at longbourn , and set off the next morning with elizabeth in pursuit of novelty and amusement . one enjoyment was certain  of suitableness of companions a suitableness which comprehended health and temper to bear inconveniences  to enhance every pleasure  affection and intelligence , which might supply it among themselves if there were disappointments abroad . it is not the object of this work to give a description of derbyshire , nor of any of the remarkable places through which their route thither lay oxford , blenheim , warwick , kenilworth , birmingham , etc . are sufficiently known . a small part of derbyshire is all the present concern . to the little town of lambton , the scene of mrs . gardiners former residence , and where she had lately learned some acquaintance still remained , they bent their steps , after having seen all the principal wonders of the country and within five miles of lambton , elizabeth found from her aunt that pemberley was situated . it was not in their direct road , nor more than a mile or two out of it . in talking over their route the evening before , mrs . gardiner expressed an inclination to see the place again . mr . gardiner declared his willingness , and elizabeth was applied to for her approbation . my love , should not you like to see a place of which you have heard so much . said her aunt a place , too , with which so many of your acquaintances are connected . wickham passed all his youth there , you know . elizabeth was distressed . she felt that she had no business at pemberley , and was obliged to assume a disinclination for seeing it . she must own that she was tired of seeing great houses after going over so many , she really had no pleasure in fine carpets or satin curtains . mrs . gardiner abused her stupidity . if it were merely a fine house richly furnished , said she , i should not care about it myself but the grounds are delightful . they have some of the finest woods in the country . elizabeth said no more  her mind could not acquiesce . the possibility of meeting mr . darcy , while viewing the place , instantly occurred . it would be dreadful . she blushed at the very idea , and thought it would be better to speak openly to her aunt than to run such a risk . but against this there were objections and she finally resolved that it could be the last resource , if her private inquiries to the absence of the family were unfavourably answered . accordingly , when she retired at night , she asked the chambermaid whether pemberley were not a very fine place . what was the name of its proprietor . and , with no little alarm , whether the family were down for the summer . a most welcome negative followed the last question  her alarms now being removed , she was at leisure to feel a great deal of curiosity to see the house herself and when the subject was revived the next morning , and she was again applied to , could readily answer , and with a proper air of indifference , that she had not really any dislike to the scheme . to pemberley , therefore , they were to go . chapter elizabeth , as they drove along , watched for the first appearance of pemberley woods with some perturbation and when at length they turned in at the lodge , her spirits were in a high flutter . the park was very large , and contained great variety of ground . they entered it in one of its lowest points , and drove for some time through a beautiful wood stretching over a wide extent . elizabeths mind was too full for conversation , but she saw and admired every remarkable spot and point of view . they gradually ascended for half a , and then found themselves at the top of a considerable eminence , where the wood ceased , and the eye was instantly caught by pemberley house , situated on the opposite side of a valley , into which the road with some abruptness wound . it was a large , handsome stone building , standing well on rising ground , and backed by a ridge of high woody hills and in front , a stream of some natural importance was swelled into greater , but without any artificial appearance . its banks were neither formal nor falsely adorned . elizabeth was delighted . she had never seen a place for which nature had done more , or where natural beauty had been so little counteracted by an awkward taste . they were all of them warm in their admiration and at that moment she felt that to be mistress of pemberley might be something . they descended the hill , crossed the bridge , and drove to the door and , while examining the nearer aspect of the house , all her apprehension of meeting its owner returned . she dreaded lest the chambermaid had been mistaken . on applying to see the place , they were admitted into the hall and elizabeth , as they waited for the housekeeper , had leisure to wonder at her being where she was . the housekeeper came a respectable looking elderly woman , much less fine , and more civil , than she had any notion of finding her . they followed her into the dining parlour . it was a large , well proportioned room , handsomely fitted up . elizabeth , after slightly surveying it , went to a window to enjoy its prospect . the hill , crowned with wood , which they had descended , receiving increased abruptness from the distance , was a beautiful object . every disposition of the ground was good and she looked on the whole scene , the river , the trees scattered on its banks and the winding of the valley , as far as she could trace it , with delight . as they passed into other rooms these objects were taking different positions but from every window there were beauties to be seen . the rooms were lofty and handsome , and their furniture suitable to the fortune of its proprietor but elizabeth saw , with admiration of his taste , that it was neither gaudy nor uselessly fine with less of splendour , and more real elegance , than the furniture of rosings . and of this place , thought she , i might have been mistress . with these rooms i might now have been familiarly acquainted . instead of viewing them as a stranger , i might have rejoiced in them as my own , and welcomed to them as visitors my uncle and aunt . but no  , herself  could never be my uncle and aunt would have been lost to me i should not have been allowed to invite them . this was a lucky recollection  saved her from something very like regret . she longed to inquire of the housekeeper whether her master was really absent , but had not the courage for it . at length however , the question was asked by her uncle and she turned away with alarm , while mrs . reynolds replied that he was , adding , but we expect him to morrow, , with a large party of friends . how rejoiced was elizabeth that their own journey had not by any circumstance been delayed a day . her aunt now called her to look at a picture . she approached and saw the likeness of mr . wickham , suspended , amongst several other miniatures , over the mantelpiece . her aunt asked her , smilingly , how she liked it . the housekeeper came forward , and told them it was a picture of a young gentleman , the son of her late masters steward , who had been brought up by him at his own expense . he is now gone into the army , she added but i am afraid he has turned out very wild . mrs . gardiner looked at her niece with a smile , but elizabeth could not return it . and that , said mrs . reynolds , pointing to another of the miniatures , is my master  very like him . it was drawn at the same time as the other  eight years ago . i have heard much of your masters fine person , said mrs . gardiner , looking at the picture it is a handsome face . but , lizzy , you can tell us whether it is like or not . mrs . reynolds respect for elizabeth seemed to increase on this intimation of her knowing her master . does that young lady know mr . darcy . elizabeth coloured , and said a little . and do not you think him a very handsome gentleman , maam . yes , very handsome . i am sure i know none so handsome but in the gallery up stairs you will see a finer , larger picture of him than this . this room was my late masters favourite room , and these miniatures are just as they used to be then . he was very fond of them . this accounted to elizabeth for mr . wickhams being among them . mrs . reynolds then directed their attention to one of miss darcy , drawn when she was only eight years old . and is miss darcy as handsome as her brother . said mrs . gardiner . oh . yes  handsomest young lady that ever was seen and so accomplished . plays and sings all day long . in the next room is a new instrument just come down for her  present from my master she comes here to morrow with him . mr . gardiner , whose manners were very easy and pleasant , encouraged her communicativeness by his questions and remarks mrs . reynolds , either by pride or attachment , had evidently great pleasure in talking of her master and his sister . is your master much at pemberley in the course of the year . not so much as i could wish , sir but i dare say he may spend half his time here and miss darcy is always down for the summer months . except , thought elizabeth , when she goes to ramsgate . if your master would marry , you might see more of him . yes , sir but i do not know when that will be . i do not know who is good enough for him . mr . and mrs . gardiner smiled . elizabeth could not help saying , it is very much to his credit , i am sure , that you should think so . i say no more than the truth , and everybody will say that knows him , replied the other . elizabeth thought this was going pretty far and she listened with increasing astonishment as the housekeeper added , i have never known a cross word from him in my life , and i have known him ever since he was four years old . this was praise , of all others most extraordinary , most opposite to her ideas . that he was not a good tempered man had been her firmest opinion . her keenest attention was awakened she longed to hear more , and was grateful to her uncle for saying there are very few people of whom so much can be said . you are lucky in having such a master . yes , sir , i know i am . if i were to go through the world , i could not meet with a better . but i have always observed , that they who are good natured when children , are good natured when they grow up and he was always the sweetest tempered, , most generous hearted boy in the world . elizabeth almost stared at her . can this be mr . darcy . thought she . his father was an excellent man , said mrs . gardiner . yes , maam , that he was indeed and his son will be just like him  as affable to the poor . elizabeth listened , wondered , doubted , and was impatient for more . mrs . reynolds could interest her on no other point . she related the subjects of the pictures , the dimensions of the rooms , and the price of the furniture , in vain . mr . gardiner , highly amused by the kind of family prejudice to which he attributed her excessive commendation of her master , soon led again to the subject and she dwelt with energy on his many merits as they proceeded together up the great staircase . he is the best landlord , and the best master , said she , that ever lived not like the wild young men nowadays , who think of nothing but themselves . there is not one of his tenants or servants but will give him a good name . some people call him proud but i am sure i never saw anything of it . to my fancy , it is only because he does not rattle away like other young men . in what an amiable light does this place him . thought elizabeth . this fine account of him , whispered her aunt as they walked , is not quite consistent with his behaviour to our poor friend . perhaps we might be deceived . that is not very likely our authority was too good . on reaching the spacious lobby above they were shown into a very pretty sitting room, , lately fitted up with greater elegance and lightness than the apartments below and were informed that it was but just done to give pleasure to miss darcy , who had taken a liking to the room when last at pemberley . he is certainly a good brother , said elizabeth , as she walked towards one of the windows . mrs . reynolds anticipated miss darcys delight , when she should enter the room . and this is always the way with him , she added . whatever can give his sister any pleasure is sure to be done in a moment . there is nothing he would not do for her . the picture gallery, , and two or three of the principal bedrooms , were all that remained to be shown . in the former were many good paintings but elizabeth knew nothing of the art and from such as had been already visible below , she had willingly turned to look at some drawings of miss darcys , in crayons , whose subjects were usually more interesting , and also more intelligible . in the gallery there were many family portraits , but they could have little to fix the attention of a stranger . elizabeth walked in quest of the only face whose features would be known to her . at last it arrested her  she beheld a striking resemblance to mr . darcy , with such a smile over the face as she remembered to have sometimes seen when he looked at her . she stood several minutes before the picture , in earnest contemplation , and returned to it again before they quitted the gallery . mrs . reynolds informed them that it had been taken in his fathers lifetime . there was certainly at this moment , in elizabeths mind , a more gentle sensation towards the original than she had ever felt at the height of their acquaintance . the commendation bestowed on him by mrs . reynolds was of no trifling nature . what praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant . as a brother , a landlord , a master , she considered how many peoples happiness were in his guardianship . much of pleasure or pain was it in his power to bestow . much of good or evil must be done by him . every idea that had been brought forward by the housekeeper was favourable to his character , and as she stood before the canvas on which he was represented , and fixed his eyes upon herself , she thought of his regard with a deeper sentiment of gratitude than it had ever raised before she remembered its warmth , and softened its impropriety of expression . when all of the house that was open to general inspection had been seen , they returned downstairs , and , taking leave of the housekeeper , were consigned over to the gardener , who met them at the hall door . as they walked across the hall towards the river , elizabeth turned back to look again her uncle and aunt stopped also , and while the former was conjecturing as to the date of the building , the owner of it himself suddenly came forward from the road , which led behind it to the stables . they were within twenty yards of each other , and so abrupt was his appearance , that it was impossible to avoid his sight . their eyes instantly met , and the cheeks of both were overspread with the deepest blush . he absolutely started , and for a moment seemed immovable from surprise but shortly recovering himself , advanced towards the party , and spoke to elizabeth , if not in terms of perfect composure , at least of perfect civility . she had instinctively turned away but stopping on his approach , received his compliments with an embarrassment impossible to be overcome . had his first appearance , or his resemblance to the picture they had just been examining , been insufficient to assure the other two that they now saw mr . darcy , the gardeners expression of surprise , on beholding his master , must immediately have told it . they stood a little aloof while he was talking to their niece , who , astonished and confused , scarcely dared lift her eyes to his face , and knew not what answer she returned to his civil inquiries after her family . amazed at the alteration of his manner since they last parted , every sentence that he uttered was increasing her embarrassment and every idea of the impropriety of her being found there recurring to her mind , the few minutes in which they continued were some of the most uncomfortable in her life . nor did he seem much more at ease when he spoke , his accent had none of its usual sedateness and he repeated his inquiries as to the time of her having left longbourn , and of her having stayed in derbyshire , so often , and in so hurried a way , as plainly spoke the distraction of his thoughts . at length every idea seemed to fail him and , after standing a few moments without saying a word , he suddenly recollected himself , and took leave . the others then joined her , and expressed admiration of his figure but elizabeth heard not a word , and wholly engrossed by her own feelings , followed them in silence . she was overpowered by shame and vexation . her coming there was the most unfortunate , the most ill judged thing in the world . how strange it must appear to him . in what a disgraceful light might it not strike so vain a man . it might seem as if she had purposely thrown herself in his way again . oh . why did she come . or , why did he thus come a day before he was expected . had they been only ten minutes sooner , they should have been beyond the reach of his discrimination for it was plain that he was that moment arrived  moment alighted from his horse or his carriage . she blushed again and again over the perverseness of the meeting . and his behaviour , so strikingly altered  could it mean . that he should even speak to her was amazing . to speak with such civility , to inquire after her family . never in her life had she seen his manners so little dignified , never had he spoken with such gentleness as on this unexpected meeting . what a contrast did it offer to his last address in rosings park , when he put his letter into her hand . she knew not what to think , or how to account for it . they had now entered a beautiful walk by the side of the water , and every step was bringing forward a nobler fall of ground , or a finer reach of the woods to which they were approaching but it was some time before elizabeth was sensible of any of it and , though she answered mechanically to the repeated appeals of her uncle and aunt , and seemed to direct her eyes to such objects as they pointed out , she distinguished no part of the scene . her thoughts were all fixed on that one spot of pemberley house , whichever it might be , where mr . darcy then was . she longed to know what at the moment was passing in his mind  what manner he thought of her , and whether , in defiance of everything , she was still dear to him . perhaps he had been civil only because he felt himself at ease yet there had been that in his voice which was not like ease . whether he had felt more of pain or of pleasure in seeing her she could not tell , but he certainly had not seen her with composure . at length , however , the remarks of her companions on her absence of mind aroused her , and she felt the necessity of appearing more like herself . they entered the woods , and bidding adieu to the river for a while , ascended some of the higher grounds when , in spots where the opening of the trees gave the eye power to wander , were many charming views of the valley , the opposite hills , with the long range of woods overspreading many , and occasionally part of the stream . mr . gardiner expressed a wish of going round the whole park , but feared it might be beyond a walk . with a triumphant smile they were told that it was ten miles round . it settled the matter and they pursued the accustomed circuit which brought them again , after some time , in a descent among hanging woods , to the edge of the water , and one of its narrowest parts . they crossed it by a simple bridge , in character with the general air of the scene it was a spot less adorned than any they had yet visited and the valley , here contracted into a glen , allowed room only for the stream , and a narrow walk amidst the rough coppice wood which bordered it . elizabeth longed to explore its windings but when they had crossed the bridge , and perceived their distance from the house , mrs . gardiner , who was not a great walker , could go no farther , and thought only of returning to the carriage as quickly as possible . her niece was , therefore , obliged to submit , and they took their way towards the house on the opposite side of the river , in the nearest direction but their progress was slow , for mr . gardiner , though seldom able to indulge the taste , was very fond of fishing , and was so much engaged in watching the occasional appearance of some trout in the water , and talking to the man about them , that he advanced but little . whilst wandering on in this slow manner , they were again surprised , and elizabeths astonishment was quite equal to what it had been at first , by the sight of mr . darcy approaching them , and at no great distance . the walk being here less sheltered than on the other side , allowed them to see him before they met . elizabeth , however astonished , was at least more prepared for an interview than before , and resolved to appear and to speak with calmness , if he really intended to meet them . for a few moments , indeed , she felt that he would probably strike into some other path . the idea lasted while a turning in the walk concealed him from their view the turning past , he was immediately before them . with a glance , she saw that he had lost none of his recent civility and , to imitate his politeness , she began , as they met , to admire the beauty of the place but she had not got beyond the words delightful , and charming , when some unlucky recollections obtruded , and she fancied that praise of pemberley from her might be mischievously construed . her colour changed , and she said no more . mrs . gardiner was standing a little behind and on her pausing , he asked her if she would do him the honour of introducing him to her friends . this was a stroke of civility for which she was quite unprepared and she could hardly suppress a smile at his being now seeking the acquaintance of some of those very people against whom his pride had revolted in his offer to herself . what will be his surprise , thought she , when he knows who they are . he takes them now for people of fashion . the introduction , however , was immediately made and as she named their relationship to herself , she stole a sly look at him , to see how he bore it , and was not without the expectation of his decamping as fast as he could from such disgraceful companions . that he was surprised by the connection was evident he sustained it , however , with fortitude , and so far from going away , turned back with them , and entered into conversation with mr . gardiner . elizabeth could not but be pleased , could not but triumph . it was consoling that he should know she had some relations for whom there was no need to blush . she listened most attentively to all that passed between them , and gloried in every expression , every sentence of her uncle , which marked his intelligence , his taste , or his good manners . the conversation soon turned upon fishing and she heard mr . darcy invite him , with the greatest civility , to fish there as often as he chose while he continued in the neighbourhood , offering at the same time to supply him with fishing tackle , and pointing out those parts of the stream where there was usually most sport . mrs . gardiner , who was walking arm in with elizabeth , gave her a look expressive of wonder . elizabeth said nothing , but it gratified her exceedingly the compliment must be all for herself . her astonishment , however , was extreme , and continually was she repeating , why is he so altered . from what can it proceed . it cannot be for me  cannot be for my sake that his manners are thus softened . my reproofs at hunsford could not work such a change as this . it is impossible that he should still love me . after walking some time in this way , the two ladies in front , the two gentlemen behind , on resuming their places , after descending to the brink of the river for the better inspection of some curious water plant, , there chanced to be a little alteration . it originated in mrs . gardiner , who , fatigued by the exercise of the morning , found elizabeths arm inadequate to her support , and consequently preferred her husbands . mr . darcy took her place by her niece , and they walked on together . after a short silence , the lady first spoke . she wished him to know that she had been assured of his absence before she came to the place , and accordingly began by observing , that his arrival had been very unexpected  your housekeeper , she added , informed us that you would certainly not be here till to morrow and indeed , before we left bakewell , we understood that you were not immediately expected in the country . he acknowledged the truth of it all , and said that business with his steward had occasioned his coming forward a few hours before the rest of the party with whom he had been travelling . they will join me early to morrow, , he continued , and among them are some who will claim an acquaintance with you  . bingley and his sisters . elizabeth answered only by a slight bow . her thoughts were instantly driven back to the time when mr . bingleys name had been the last mentioned between them and , if she might judge by his complexion , his mind was not very differently engaged . there is also one other person in the party , he continued after a pause , who more particularly wishes to be known to you . will you allow me , or do i ask too much , to introduce my sister to your acquaintance during your stay at lambton . the surprise of such an application was great indeed it was too great for her to know in what manner she acceded to it . she immediately felt that whatever desire miss darcy might have of being acquainted with her must be the work of her brother , and , without looking farther , it was satisfactory it was gratifying to know that his resentment had not made him think really ill of her . they now walked on in silence , each of them deep in thought . elizabeth was not comfortable that was impossible but she was flattered and pleased . his wish of introducing his sister to her was a compliment of the highest kind . they soon outstripped the others , and when they had reached the carriage , mr . and mrs . gardiner were half a quarter of a mile behind . he then asked her to walk into the house  she declared herself not tired , and they stood together on the lawn . at such a time much might have been said , and silence was very awkward . she wanted to talk , but there seemed to be an embargo on every subject . at last she recollected that she had been travelling , and they talked of matlock and dove dale with great perseverance . yet time and her aunt moved slowly  her patience and her ideas were nearly worn out before the tete a was over . on mr . and mrs . gardiners coming up they were all pressed to go into the house and take some refreshment but this was declined , and they parted on each side with utmost politeness . mr . darcy handed the ladies into the carriage and when it drove off , elizabeth saw him walking slowly towards the house . the observations of her uncle and aunt now began and each of them pronounced him to be infinitely superior to anything they had expected . he is perfectly well behaved , polite , and unassuming , said her uncle . there is something a little stately in him , to be sure , replied her aunt , but it is confined to his air , and is not unbecoming . i can now say with the housekeeper , that though some people may call him proud , i have seen nothing of it . i was never more surprised than by his behaviour to us . it was more than civil it was really attentive and there was no necessity for such attention . his acquaintance with elizabeth was very trifling . to be sure , lizzy , said her aunt , he is not so handsome as wickham or , rather , he has not wickhams countenance , for his features are perfectly good . but how came you to tell me that he was so disagreeable . elizabeth excused herself as well as she could said that she had liked him better when they had met in kent than before , and that she had never seen him so pleasant as this morning . but perhaps he may be a little whimsical in his civilities , replied her uncle . your great men often are and therefore i shall not take him at his word , as he might change his mind another day , and warn me off his grounds . elizabeth felt that they had entirely misunderstood his character , but said nothing . from what we have seen of him , continued mrs . gardiner , i really should not have thought that he could have behaved in so cruel a way by anybody as he has done by poor wickham . he has not an ill natured look . on the contrary , there is something pleasing about his mouth when he speaks . and there is something of dignity in his countenance that would not give one an unfavourable idea of his heart . but , to be sure , the good lady who showed us his house did give him a most flaming character . i could hardly help laughing aloud sometimes . but he is a liberal master , i suppose , and that in the eye of a servant comprehends every virtue . elizabeth here felt herself called on to say something in vindication of his behaviour to wickham and therefore gave them to understand , in as guarded a manner as she could , that by what she had heard from his relations in kent , his actions were capable of a very different construction and that his character was by no means so faulty , nor wickhams so amiable , as they had been considered in hertfordshire . in confirmation of this , she related the particulars of all the pecuniary transactions in which they had been connected , without actually naming her authority , but stating it to be such as might be relied on . mrs . gardiner was surprised and concerned but as they were now approaching the scene of her former pleasures , every idea gave way to the charm of recollection and she was too much engaged in pointing out to her husband all the interesting spots in its environs to think of anything else . fatigued as she had been by the mornings walk they had no sooner dined than she set off again in quest of her former acquaintance , and the evening was spent in the satisfactions of an intercourse renewed after many years discontinuance . the occurrences of the day were too full of interest to leave elizabeth much attention for any of these new friends and she could do nothing but think , and think with wonder , of mr . darcys civility , and , above all , of his wishing her to be acquainted with his sister . chapter elizabeth had settled it that mr . darcy would bring his sister to visit her the very day after her reaching pemberley and was consequently resolved not to be out of sight of the inn the whole of that morning . but her conclusion was false for on the very morning after their arrival at lambton , these visitors came . they had been walking about the place with some of their new friends , and were just returning to the inn to dress themselves for dining with the same family , when the sound of a carriage drew them to a window , and they saw a gentleman and a lady in a curricle driving up the street . elizabeth immediately recognizing the livery , guessed what it meant , and imparted no small degree of her surprise to her relations by acquainting them with the honour which she expected . her uncle and aunt were all amazement and the embarrassment of her manner as she spoke , joined to the circumstance itself , and many of the circumstances of the preceding day , opened to them a new idea on the business . nothing had ever suggested it before , but they felt that there was no other way of accounting for such attentions from such a quarter than by supposing a partiality for their niece . while these newly born notions were passing in their heads , the perturbation of elizabeths feelings was at every moment increasing . she was quite amazed at her own discomposure but amongst other causes of disquiet , she dreaded lest the partiality of the brother should have said too much in her favour and , more than commonly anxious to please , she naturally suspected that every power of pleasing would fail her . she retreated from the window , fearful of being seen and as she walked up and down the room , endeavouring to compose herself , saw such looks of inquiring surprise in her uncle and aunt as made everything worse . miss darcy and her brother appeared , and this formidable introduction took place . with astonishment did elizabeth see that her new acquaintance was at least as much embarrassed as herself . since her being at lambton , she had heard that miss darcy was exceedingly proud but the observation of a very few minutes convinced her that she was only exceedingly shy . she found it difficult to obtain even a word from her beyond a monosyllable . miss darcy was tall , and on a larger scale than elizabeth and , though little more than sixteen , her figure was formed , and her appearance womanly and graceful . she was less handsome than her brother but there was sense and good humour in her face , and her manners were perfectly unassuming and gentle . elizabeth , who had expected to find in her as acute and unembarrassed an observer as ever mr . darcy had been , was much relieved by discerning such different feelings . they had not long been together before mr . darcy told her that bingley was also coming to wait on her and she had barely time to express her satisfaction , and prepare for such a visitor , when bingleys quick step was heard on the stairs , and in a moment he entered the room . all elizabeths anger against him had been long done away but had she still felt any , it could hardly have stood its ground against the unaffected cordiality with which he expressed himself on seeing her again . he inquired in a friendly , though general way , after her family , and looked and spoke with the same good humoured ease that he had ever done . to mr . and mrs . gardiner he was scarcely a less interesting personage than to herself . they had long wished to see him . the whole party before them , indeed , excited a lively attention . the suspicions which had just arisen of mr . darcy and their niece directed their observation towards each with an earnest though guarded inquiry and they soon drew from those inquiries the full conviction that one of them at least knew what it was to love . of the ladys sensations they remained a little in doubt but that the gentleman was overflowing with admiration was evident enough . elizabeth , on her side , had much to do . she wanted to ascertain the feelings of each of her visitors she wanted to compose her own , and to make herself agreeable to all and in the latter object , where she feared most to fail , she was most sure of success , for those to whom she endeavoured to give pleasure were prepossessed in her favour . bingley was ready , georgiana was eager , and darcy determined , to be pleased . in seeing bingley , her thoughts naturally flew to her sister and , oh . how ardently did she long to know whether any of his were directed in a like manner . sometimes she could fancy that he talked less than on former occasions , and once or twice pleased herself with the notion that , as he looked at her , he was trying to trace a resemblance . but , though this might be imaginary , she could not be deceived as to his behaviour to miss darcy , who had been set up as a rival to jane . no look appeared on either side that spoke particular regard . nothing occurred between them that could justify the hopes of his sister . on this point she was soon satisfied and two or three little circumstances occurred ere they parted , which , in her anxious interpretation , denoted a recollection of jane not untinctured by tenderness , and a wish of saying more that might lead to the mention of her , had he dared . he observed to her , at a moment when the others were talking together , and in a tone which had something of real regret , that it was a very long time since he had the pleasure of seeing her and , before she could reply , he added , it is above eight months . we have not met since the th of november , when we were all dancing together at netherfield . elizabeth was pleased to find his memory so exact and he afterwards took occasion to ask her , when unattended to by any of the rest , whether all her sisters were at longbourn . there was not much in the question , nor in the preceding remark but there was a look and a manner which gave them meaning . it was not often that she could turn her eyes on mr . darcy himself but , whenever she did catch a glimpse , she saw an expression of general complaisance , and in all that he said she heard an accent so removed from hauteur or disdain of his companions , as convinced her that the improvement of manners which she had yesterday witnessed however temporary its existence might prove , had at least outlived one day . when she saw him thus seeking the acquaintance and courting the good opinion of people with whom any intercourse a few months ago would have been a disgrace  she saw him thus civil , not only to herself , but to the very relations whom he had openly disdained , and recollected their last lively scene in hunsford parsonage  difference , the change was so great , and struck so forcibly on her mind , that she could hardly restrain her astonishment from being visible . never , even in the company of his dear friends at netherfield , or his dignified relations at rosings , had she seen him so desirous to please , so free from self consequence or unbending reserve , as now , when no importance could result from the success of his endeavours , and when even the acquaintance of those to whom his attentions were addressed would draw down the ridicule and censure of the ladies both of netherfield and rosings . their visitors stayed with them above half an and when they arose to depart , mr . darcy called on his sister to join him in expressing their wish of seeing mr . and mrs . gardiner , and miss bennet , to dinner at pemberley , before they left the country . miss darcy , though with a diffidence which marked her little in the habit of giving invitations , readily obeyed . mrs . gardiner looked at her niece , desirous of knowing how she , whom the invitation most concerned , felt disposed as to its acceptance , but elizabeth had turned away her head . presuming however , that this studied avoidance spoke rather a momentary embarrassment than any dislike of the proposal , and seeing in her husband , who was fond of society , a perfect willingness to accept it , she ventured to engage for her attendance , and the day after the next was fixed on . bingley expressed great pleasure in the certainty of seeing elizabeth again , having still a great deal to say to her , and many inquiries to make after all their hertfordshire friends . elizabeth , construing all this into a wish of hearing her speak of her sister , was pleased , and on this account , as well as some others , found herself , when their visitors left them , capable of considering the last half hour with some satisfaction , though while it was passing , the enjoyment of it had been little . eager to be alone , and fearful of inquiries or hints from her uncle and aunt , she stayed with them only long enough to hear their favourable opinion of bingley , and then hurried away to dress . but she had no reason to fear mr . and mrs . gardiners curiosity it was not their wish to force her communication . it was evident that she was much better acquainted with mr . darcy than they had before any idea of it was evident that he was very much in love with her . they saw much to interest , but nothing to justify inquiry . of mr . darcy it was now a matter of anxiety to think well and , as far as their acquaintance reached , there was no fault to find . they could not be untouched by his politeness and had they drawn his character from their own feelings and his servants report , without any reference to any other account , the circle in hertfordshire to which he was known would not have recognized it for mr . darcy . there was now an interest , however , in believing the housekeeper and they soon became sensible that the authority of a servant who had known him since he was four years old , and whose own manners indicated respectability , was not to be hastily rejected . neither had anything occurred in the intelligence of their lambton friends that could materially lessen its weight . they had nothing to accuse him of but pride he probably had , and if not , it would certainly be imputed by the inhabitants of a small market town where the family did not visit . it was acknowledged , however , that he was a liberal man , and did much good among the poor . with respect to wickham , the travellers soon found that he was not held there in much estimation for though the chief of his concerns with the son of his patron were imperfectly understood , it was yet a well known fact that , on his quitting derbyshire , he had left many debts behind him , which mr . darcy afterwards discharged . as for elizabeth , her thoughts were at pemberley this evening more than the last and the evening , though as it passed it seemed long , was not long enough to determine her feelings towards one in that mansion and she lay awake two whole hours endeavouring to make them out . she certainly did not hate him . no hatred had vanished long ago , and she had almost as long been ashamed of ever feeling a dislike against him , that could be so called . the respect created by the conviction of his valuable qualities , though at first unwillingly admitted , had for some time ceased to be repugnant to her feeling and it was now heightened into somewhat of a friendlier nature , by the testimony so highly in his favour , and bringing forward his disposition in so amiable a light , which yesterday had produced . but above all , above respect and esteem , there was a motive within her of goodwill which could not be overlooked . it was gratitude not merely for having once loved her , but for loving her still well enough to forgive all the petulance and acrimony of her manner in rejecting him , and all the unjust accusations accompanying her rejection . he who , she had been persuaded , would avoid her as his greatest enemy , seemed , on this accidental meeting , most eager to preserve the acquaintance , and without any indelicate display of regard , or any peculiarity of manner , where their two selves only were concerned , was soliciting the good opinion of her friends , and bent on making her known to his sister . such a change in a man of so much pride exciting not only astonishment but gratitude  to love , ardent love , it must be attributed and as such its impression on her was of a sort to be encouraged , as by no means unpleasing , though it could not be exactly defined . she respected , she esteemed , she was grateful to him , she felt a real interest in his welfare and she only wanted to know how far she wished that welfare to depend upon herself , and how far it would be for the happiness of both that she should employ the power , which her fancy told her she still possessed , of bringing on her the renewal of his addresses . it had been settled in the evening between the aunt and the niece , that such a striking civility as miss darcys in coming to see them on the very day of her arrival at pemberley , for she had reached it only to a late breakfast , ought to be imitated , though it could not be equalled , by some exertion of politeness on their side and , consequently , that it would be highly expedient to wait on her at pemberley the following morning . they were , therefore , to go . elizabeth was pleased though when she asked herself the reason , she had very little to say in reply . mr . gardiner left them soon after breakfast . the fishing scheme had been renewed the day before , and a positive engagement made of his meeting some of the gentlemen at pemberley before noon . chapter convinced as elizabeth now was that miss bingleys dislike of her had originated in jealousy , she could not help feeling how unwelcome her appearance at pemberley must be to her , and was curious to know with how much civility on that ladys side the acquaintance would now be renewed . on reaching the house , they were shown through the hall into the saloon , whose northern aspect rendered it delightful for summer . its windows opening to the ground , admitted a most refreshing view of the high woody hills behind the house , and of the beautiful oaks and spanish chestnuts which were scattered over the intermediate lawn . in this house they were received by miss darcy , who was sitting there with mrs . hurst and miss bingley , and the lady with whom she lived in london . georgianas reception of them was very civil , but attended with all the embarrassment which , though proceeding from shyness and the fear of doing wrong , would easily give to those who felt themselves inferior the belief of her being proud and reserved . mrs . gardiner and her niece , however , did her justice , and pitied her . by mrs . hurst and miss bingley they were noticed only by a curtsey and , on their being seated , a pause , awkward as such pauses must always be , succeeded for a few moments . it was first broken by mrs . annesley , a genteel , agreeable looking woman , whose endeavour to introduce some kind of discourse proved her to be more truly well bred than either of the others and between her and mrs . gardiner , with occasional help from elizabeth , the conversation was carried on . miss darcy looked as if she wished for courage enough to join in it and sometimes did venture a short sentence when there was least danger of its being heard . elizabeth soon saw that she was herself closely watched by miss bingley , and that she could not speak a word , especially to miss darcy , without calling her attention . this observation would not have prevented her from trying to talk to the latter , had they not been seated at an inconvenient distance but she was not sorry to be spared the necessity of saying much . her own thoughts were employing her . she expected every moment that some of the gentlemen would enter the room . she wished , she feared that the master of the house might be amongst them and whether she wished or feared it most , she could scarcely determine . after sitting in this manner a quarter of an hour without hearing miss bingleys voice , elizabeth was roused by receiving from her a cold inquiry after the health of her family . she answered with equal indifference and brevity , and the other said no more . the next variation which their visit afforded was produced by the entrance of servants with cold meat , cake , and a variety of all the finest fruits in season but this did not take place till after many a significant look and smile from mrs . annesley to miss darcy had been given , to remind her of her post . there was now employment for the whole party  though they could not all talk , they could all eat and the beautiful pyramids of grapes , nectarines , and peaches soon collected them round the table . while thus engaged , elizabeth had a fair opportunity of deciding whether she most feared or wished for the appearance of mr . darcy , by the feelings which prevailed on his entering the room and then , though but a moment before she had believed her wishes to predominate , she began to regret that he came . he had been some time with mr . gardiner , who , with two or three other gentlemen from the house , was engaged by the river , and had left him only on learning that the ladies of the family intended a visit to georgiana that morning . no sooner did he appear than elizabeth wisely resolved to be perfectly easy and unembarrassed a resolution the more necessary to be made , but perhaps not the more easily kept , because she saw that the suspicions of the whole party were awakened against them , and that there was scarcely an eye which did not watch his behaviour when he first came into the room . in no countenance was attentive curiosity so strongly marked as in miss bingleys , in spite of the smiles which overspread her face whenever she spoke to one of its objects for jealousy had not yet made her desperate , and her attentions to mr . darcy were by no means over . miss darcy , on her brothers entrance , exerted herself much more to talk , and elizabeth saw that he was anxious for his sister and herself to get acquainted , and forwarded as much as possible , every attempt at conversation on either side . miss bingley saw all this likewise and , in the imprudence of anger , took the first opportunity of saying , with sneering civility pray , miss eliza , are not the militia removed from meryton . they must be a great loss to your family . in darcys presence she dared not mention wickhams name but elizabeth instantly comprehended that he was uppermost in her thoughts and the various recollections connected with him gave her a moments distress but exerting herself vigorously to repel the ill natured attack , she presently answered the question in a tolerably detached tone . while she spoke , an involuntary glance showed her darcy , with a heightened complexion , earnestly looking at her , and his sister overcome with confusion , and unable to lift up her eyes . had miss bingley known what pain she was then giving her beloved friend , she undoubtedly would have refrained from the hint but she had merely intended to discompose elizabeth by bringing forward the idea of a man to whom she believed her partial , to make her betray a sensibility which might injure her in darcys opinion , and , perhaps , to remind the latter of all the follies and absurdities by which some part of her family were connected with that corps . not a syllable had ever reached her of miss darcys meditated elopement . to no creature had it been revealed , where secrecy was possible , except to elizabeth and from all bingleys connections her brother was particularly anxious to conceal it , from the very wish which elizabeth had long ago attributed to him , of their becoming hereafter her own . he had certainly formed such a plan , and without meaning that it should affect his endeavour to separate him from miss bennet , it is probable that it might add something to his lively concern for the welfare of his friend . elizabeths collected behaviour , however , soon quieted his emotion and as miss bingley , vexed and disappointed , dared not approach nearer to wickham , georgiana also recovered in time , though not enough to be able to speak any more . her brother , whose eye she feared to meet , scarcely recollected her interest in the affair , and the very circumstance which had been designed to turn his thoughts from elizabeth seemed to have fixed them on her more and more cheerfully . their visit did not continue long after the question and answer above mentioned and while mr . darcy was attending them to their carriage miss bingley was venting her feelings in criticisms on elizabeths person , behaviour , and dress . but georgiana would not join her . her brothers recommendation was enough to ensure her favour his judgement could not err . and he had spoken in such terms of elizabeth as to leave georgiana without the power of finding her otherwise than lovely and amiable . when darcy returned to the saloon , miss bingley could not help repeating to him some part of what she had been saying to his sister . how very ill miss eliza bennet looks this morning , mr . darcy , she cried i never in my life saw anyone so much altered as she is since the winter . she is grown so brown and coarse . louisa and i were agreeing that we should not have known her again . however little mr . darcy might have liked such an address , he contented himself with coolly replying that he perceived no other alteration than her being rather tanned , no miraculous consequence of travelling in the summer . for my own part , she rejoined , i must confess that i never could see any beauty in her . her face is too thin her complexion has no brilliancy and her features are not at all handsome . her nose wants character  is nothing marked in its lines . her teeth are tolerable , but not out of the common way and as for her eyes , which have sometimes been called so fine , i could never see anything extraordinary in them . they have a sharp , shrewish look , which i do not like at all and in her air altogether there is a self sufficiency without fashion , which is intolerable . persuaded as miss bingley was that darcy admired elizabeth , this was not the best method of recommending herself but angry people are not always wise and in seeing him at last look somewhat nettled , she had all the success she expected . he was resolutely silent , however , and , from a determination of making him speak , she continued i remember , when we first knew her in hertfordshire , how amazed we all were to find that she was a reputed beauty and i particularly recollect your saying one night , after they had been dining at netherfield , she a beauty . should as soon call her mother a wit . but afterwards she seemed to improve on you , and i believe you thought her rather pretty at one time . yes , replied darcy , who could contain himself no longer , but that was only when i first saw her , for it is many months since i have considered her as one of the handsomest women of my acquaintance . he then went away , and miss bingley was left to all the satisfaction of having forced him to say what gave no one any pain but herself . mrs . gardiner and elizabeth talked of all that had occurred during their visit , as they returned , except what had particularly interested them both . the look and behaviour of everybody they had seen were discussed , except of the person who had mostly engaged their attention . they talked of his sister , his friends , his house , his fruit  everything but himself yet elizabeth was longing to know what mrs . gardiner thought of him , and mrs . gardiner would have been highly gratified by her nieces beginning the subject . chapter elizabeth had been a good deal disappointed in not finding a letter from jane on their first arrival at lambton and this disappointment had been renewed on each of the mornings that had now been spent there but on the third her repining was over , and her sister justified , by the receipt of two letters from her at once , on one of which was marked that it had been missent elsewhere . elizabeth was not surprised at it , as jane had written the direction remarkably ill . they had just been preparing to walk as the letters came in and her uncle and aunt , leaving her to enjoy them in quiet , set off by themselves . the one missent must first be attended to it had been written five days ago . the beginning contained an account of all their little parties and engagements , with such news as the country afforded but the latter half , which was dated a day later , and written in evident agitation , gave more important intelligence . it was to this effect since writing the above , dearest lizzy , something has occurred of a most unexpected and serious nature but i am afraid of alarming you  assured that we are all well . what i have to say relates to poor lydia . an express came at twelve last night , just as we were all gone to bed , from colonel forster , to inform us that she was gone off to scotland with one of his officers to own the truth , with wickham . imagine our surprise . to kitty , however , it does not seem so wholly unexpected . i am very , sorry . so imprudent a match on both sides . but i am willing to hope the best , and that his character has been misunderstood . thoughtless and indiscreet i can easily believe him , but this step marks nothing bad at heart . his choice is disinterested at least , for he must know my father can give her nothing . our poor mother is sadly grieved . my father bears it better . how thankful am i that we never let them know what has been said against him we must forget it ourselves . they were off saturday night about twelve , as is conjectured , but were not missed till yesterday morning at eight . the express was sent off directly . my dear lizzy , they must have passed within ten miles of us . colonel forster gives us reason to expect him here soon . lydia left a few lines for his wife , informing her of their intention . i must conclude , for i cannot be long from my poor mother . i am afraid you will not be able to make it out , but i hardly know what i have written . without allowing herself time for consideration , and scarcely knowing what she felt , elizabeth on finishing this letter instantly seized the other , and opening it with the utmost impatience , read as follows it had been written a day later than the conclusion of the first . by this time , my dearest sister , you have received my hurried letter i wish this may be more intelligible , but though not confined for time , my head is so bewildered that i cannot answer for being coherent . dearest lizzy , i hardly know what i would write , but i have bad news for you , and it cannot be delayed . imprudent as the marriage between mr . wickham and our poor lydia would be , we are now anxious to be assured it has taken place , for there is but too much reason to fear they are not gone to scotland . colonel forster came yesterday , having left brighton the day before , not many hours after the express . though lydias short letter to mrs . f . gave them to understand that they were going to gretna green , something was dropped by denny expressing his belief that w . never intended to go there , or to marry lydia at all , which was repeated to colonel f . who , instantly taking the alarm , set off from b . intending to trace their route . he did trace them easily to clapham , but no further for on entering that place , they removed into a hackney coach , and dismissed the chaise that brought them from epsom . all that is known after this is , that they were seen to continue the london road . i know not what to think . after making every possible inquiry on that side london , colonel f . came on into hertfordshire , anxiously renewing them at all the turnpikes , and at the inns in barnet and hatfield , but without any success  such people had been seen to pass through . with the kindest concern he came on to longbourn , and broke his apprehensions to us in a manner most creditable to his heart . i am sincerely grieved for him and mrs . f . but no one can throw any blame on them . our distress , my dear lizzy , is very great . my father and mother believe the worst , but i cannot think so ill of him . many circumstances might make it more eligible for them to be married privately in town than to pursue their first plan and even if he could form such a design against a young woman of lydias connections , which is not likely , can i suppose her so lost to everything . impossible . i grieve to find , however , that colonel f . is not disposed to depend upon their marriage he shook his head when i expressed my hopes , and said he feared w . was not a man to be trusted . my poor mother is really ill , and keeps her room . could she exert herself , it would be better but this is not to be expected . and as to my father , i never in my life saw him so affected . poor kitty has anger for having concealed their attachment but as it was a matter of confidence , one cannot wonder . i am truly glad , dearest lizzy , that you have been spared something of these distressing scenes but now , as the first shock is over , shall i own that i long for your return . i am not so selfish , however , as to press for it , if inconvenient . adieu . i take up my pen again to do what i have just told you i would not but circumstances are such that i cannot help earnestly begging you all to come here as soon as possible . i know my dear uncle and aunt so well , that i am not afraid of requesting it , though i have still something more to ask of the former . my father is going to london with colonel forster instantly , to try to discover her . what he means to do i am sure i know not but his excessive distress will not allow him to pursue any measure in the best and safest way , and colonel forster is obliged to be at brighton again to morrow evening . in such an exigence , my uncles advice and assistance would be everything in the world he will immediately comprehend what i must feel , and i rely upon his goodness . oh . where , is my uncle . cried elizabeth , darting from her seat as she finished the letter , in eagerness to follow him , without losing a moment of the time so precious but as she reached the door it was opened by a servant , and mr . darcy appeared . her pale face and impetuous manner made him start , and before he could recover himself to speak , she , in whose mind every idea was superseded by lydias situation , hastily exclaimed , i beg your pardon , but i must leave you . i must find mr . gardiner this moment , on business that cannot be delayed i have not an instant to lose . good god . what is the matter . cried he , with more feeling than politeness then recollecting himself , i will not detain you a minute but let me , or let the servant go after mr . and mrs . gardiner . you are not well enough you cannot go yourself . elizabeth hesitated , but her knees trembled under her and she felt how little would be gained by her attempting to pursue them . calling back the servant , therefore , she commissioned him , though in so breathless an accent as made her almost unintelligible , to fetch his master and mistress home instantly . on his quitting the room she sat down , unable to support herself , and looking so miserably ill , that it was impossible for darcy to leave her , or to refrain from saying , in a tone of gentleness and commiseration , let me call your maid . is there nothing you could take to give you present relief . a glass of wine shall i get you one . you are very ill . no , i thank you , she replied , endeavouring to recover herself . there is nothing the matter with me . i am quite well i am only distressed by some dreadful news which i have just received from longbourn . she burst into tears as she alluded to it , and for a few minutes could not speak another word . darcy , in wretched suspense , could only say something indistinctly of his concern , and observe her in compassionate silence . at length she spoke again . i have just had a letter from jane , with such dreadful news . it cannot be concealed from anyone . my younger sister has left all her friends  eloped has thrown herself into the power of  mr . wickham . they are gone off together from brighton . you know him too well to doubt the rest . she has no money , no connections , nothing that can tempt him to  is lost for ever . darcy was fixed in astonishment . when i consider , she added in a yet more agitated voice , that i might have prevented it . i , who knew what he was . had i but explained some part of it only  part of what i learnt , to my own family . had his character been known , this could not have happened . but it is all  too late now . i am grieved indeed , cried darcy grieved  . but is it certain  . oh , yes . they left brighton together on sunday night , and were traced almost to london , but not beyond they are certainly not gone to scotland . and what has been done , what has been attempted , to recover her . my father is gone to london , and jane has written to beg my uncles immediate assistance and we shall be off , i hope , in half an . but nothing can be done  know very well that nothing can be done . how is such a man to be worked on . how are they even to be discovered . i have not the smallest hope . it is every way horrible . darcy shook his head in silent acquiescence . when my eyes were opened to his real character  . had i known what i ought , what i dared to do . but i knew not  was afraid of doing too much . wretched , mistake . darcy made no answer . he seemed scarcely to hear her , and was walking up and down the room in earnest meditation , his brow contracted , his air gloomy . elizabeth soon observed , and instantly understood it . her power was sinking everything must sink under such a proof of family weakness , such an assurance of the deepest disgrace . she could neither wonder nor condemn , but the belief of his self conquest brought nothing consolatory to her bosom , afforded no palliation of her distress . it was , on the contrary , exactly calculated to make her understand her own wishes and never had she so honestly felt that she could have loved him , as now , when all love must be vain . but self , though it would intrude , could not engross her . lydia  humiliation , the misery she was bringing on them all , soon swallowed up every private care and covering her face with her handkerchief , elizabeth was soon lost to everything else and , after a pause of several minutes , was only recalled to a sense of her situation by the voice of her companion , who , in a manner which , though it spoke compassion , spoke likewise restraint , said , i am afraid you have been long desiring my absence , nor have i anything to plead in excuse of my stay , but real , though unavailing concern . would to heaven that anything could be either said or done on my part that might offer consolation to such distress . but i will not torment you with vain wishes , which may seem purposely to ask for your thanks . this unfortunate affair will , i fear , prevent my sisters having the pleasure of seeing you at pemberley to day . oh , yes . be so kind as to apologise for us to miss darcy . say that urgent business calls us home immediately . conceal the unhappy truth as long as it is possible , i know it cannot be long . he readily assured her of his secrecy again expressed his sorrow for her distress , wished it a happier conclusion than there was at present reason to hope , and leaving his compliments for her relations , with only one serious , parting look , went away . as he quitted the room , elizabeth felt how improbable it was that they should ever see each other again on such terms of cordiality as had marked their several meetings in derbyshire and as she threw a retrospective glance over the whole of their acquaintance , so full of contradictions and varieties , sighed at the perverseness of those feelings which would now have promoted its continuance , and would formerly have rejoiced in its termination . if gratitude and esteem are good foundations of affection , elizabeths change of sentiment will be neither improbable nor faulty . but if otherwise  regard springing from such sources is unreasonable or unnatural , in comparison of what is so often described as arising on a first interview with its object , and even before two words have been exchanged , nothing can be said in her defence , except that she had given somewhat of a trial to the latter method in her partiality for wickham , and that its ill success might , perhaps , authorise her to seek the other less interesting mode of attachment . be that as it may , she saw him go with regret and in this early example of what lydias infamy must produce , found additional anguish as she reflected on that wretched business . never , since reading janes second letter , had she entertained a hope of wickhams meaning to marry her . no one but jane , she thought , could flatter herself with such an expectation . surprise was the least of her feelings on this development . while the contents of the first letter remained in her mind , she was all surprise  astonishment that wickham should marry a girl whom it was impossible he could marry for money and how lydia could ever have attached him had appeared incomprehensible . but now it was all too natural . for such an attachment as this she might have sufficient charms and though she did not suppose lydia to be deliberately engaging in an elopement without the intention of marriage , she had no difficulty in believing that neither her virtue nor her understanding would preserve her from falling an easy prey . she had never perceived , while the regiment was in hertfordshire , that lydia had any partiality for him but she was convinced that lydia wanted only encouragement to attach herself to anybody . sometimes one officer , sometimes another , had been her favourite , as their attentions raised them in her opinion . her affections had continually been fluctuating but never without an object . the mischief of neglect and mistaken indulgence towards such a girl  . how acutely did she now feel it . she was wild to be at home  hear , to see , to be upon the spot to share with jane in the cares that must now fall wholly upon her , in a family so deranged , a father absent , a mother incapable of exertion , and requiring constant attendance and though almost persuaded that nothing could be done for lydia , her uncles interference seemed of the utmost importance , and till he entered the room her impatience was severe . mr . and mrs . gardiner had hurried back in alarm , supposing by the servants account that their niece was taken suddenly ill but satisfying them instantly on that head , she eagerly communicated the cause of their summons , reading the two letters aloud , and dwelling on the postscript of the last with trembling energy . lydia had never been a favourite with them , mr . and mrs . gardiner could not but be deeply afflicted . not lydia only , but all were concerned in it and after the first exclamations of surprise and horror , mr . gardiner promised every assistance in his power . elizabeth , though expecting no less , thanked him with tears of gratitude and all three being actuated by one spirit , everything relating to their journey was speedily settled . they were to be off as soon as possible . but what is to be done about pemberley . cried mrs . gardiner . john told us mr . darcy was here when you sent for us was it so . yes and i told him we should not be able to keep our engagement . that is all settled . what is all settled . repeated the other , as she ran into her room to prepare . and are they upon such terms as for her to disclose the real truth . oh , that i knew how it was . but wishes were vain , or at least could only serve to amuse her in the hurry and confusion of the following hour . had elizabeth been at leisure to be idle , she would have remained certain that all employment was impossible to one so wretched as herself but she had her share of business as well as her aunt , and amongst the rest there were notes to be written to all their friends at lambton , with false excuses for their sudden departure . an hour , however , saw the whole completed and mr . gardiner meanwhile having settled his account at the inn , nothing remained to be done but to go and elizabeth , after all the misery of the morning , found herself , in a shorter space of time than she could have supposed , seated in the carriage , and on the road to longbourn . chapter i have been thinking it over again , elizabeth , said her uncle , as they drove from the town and really , upon serious consideration , i am much more inclined than i was to judge as your eldest sister does on the matter . it appears to me so very unlikely that any young man should form such a design against a girl who is by no means unprotected or friendless , and who was actually staying in his colonels family , that i am strongly inclined to hope the best . could he expect that her friends would not step forward . could he expect to be noticed again by the regiment , after such an affront to colonel forster . his temptation is not adequate to the risk . do you really think so . cried elizabeth , brightening up for a moment . upon my word , said mrs . gardiner , i begin to be of your uncles opinion . it is really too great a violation of decency , honour , and interest , for him to be guilty of . i cannot think so very ill of wickham . can you yourself , lizzy , so wholly give him up , as to believe him capable of it . not , perhaps , of neglecting his own interest but of every other neglect i can believe him capable . if , indeed , it should be so . but i dare not hope it . why should they not go on to scotland if that had been the case . in the first place , replied mr . gardiner , there is no absolute proof that they are not gone to scotland . oh . but their removing from the chaise into a hackney coach is such a presumption . and , besides , no traces of them were to be found on the barnet road . well , then  them to be in london . they may be there , though for the purpose of concealment , for no more exceptional purpose . it is not likely that money should be very abundant on either side and it might strike them that they could be more economically , though less expeditiously , married in london than in scotland . but why all this secrecy . why any fear of detection . why must their marriage be private . oh , no , is not likely . his most particular friend , you see by janes account , was persuaded of his never intending to marry her . wickham will never marry a woman without some money . he cannot afford it . and what claims has lydia  attraction has she beyond youth , health , and good humour that could make him , for her sake , forego every chance of benefiting himself by marrying well . as to what restraint the apprehensions of disgrace in the corps might throw on a dishonourable elopement with her , i am not able to judge for i know nothing of the effects that such a step might produce . but as to your other objection , i am afraid it will hardly hold good . lydia has no brothers to step forward and he might imagine , from my fathers behaviour , from his indolence and the little attention he has ever seemed to give to what was going forward in his family , that he would do as little , and think as little about it , as any father could do , in such a matter . but can you think that lydia is so lost to everything but love of him as to consent to live with him on any terms other than marriage . it does seem , and it is most shocking indeed , replied elizabeth , with tears in her eyes , that a sisters sense of decency and virtue in such a point should admit of doubt . but , really , i know not what to say . perhaps i am not doing her justice . but she is very young she has never been taught to think on serious subjects and for the last half year, , nay , for a twelvemonth  has been given up to nothing but amusement and vanity . she has been allowed to dispose of her time in the most idle and frivolous manner , and to adopt any opinions that came in her way . since the were first quartered in meryton , nothing but love , flirtation , and officers have been in her head . she has been doing everything in her power by thinking and talking on the subject , to give greater  shall i call it . susceptibility to her feelings which are naturally lively enough . and we all know that wickham has every charm of person and address that can captivate a woman . but you see that jane , said her aunt , does not think so very ill of wickham as to believe him capable of the attempt . of whom does jane ever think ill . and who is there , whatever might be their former conduct , that she would think capable of such an attempt , till it were proved against them . but jane knows , as well as i do , what wickham really is . we both know that he has been profligate in every sense of the word that he has neither integrity nor honour that he is as false and deceitful as he is insinuating . and do you really know all this . cried mrs . gardiner , whose curiosity as to the mode of her intelligence was all alive . i do indeed , replied elizabeth , colouring . i told you , the other day , of his infamous behaviour to mr . darcy and you yourself , when last at longbourn , heard in what manner he spoke of the man who had behaved with such forbearance and liberality towards him . and there are other circumstances which i am not at liberty  it is not worth while to relate but his lies about the whole pemberley family are endless . from what he said of miss darcy i was thoroughly prepared to see a proud , reserved , disagreeable girl . yet he knew to the contrary himself . he must know that she was as amiable and unpretending as we have found her . but does lydia know nothing of this . can she be ignorant of what you and jane seem so well to understand . oh , yes . that is the worst of all . till i was in kent , and saw so much both of mr . darcy and his relation colonel fitzwilliam , i was ignorant of the truth myself . and when i returned home , the was to leave meryton in a week or fortnights time . as that was the case , neither jane , to whom i related the whole , nor i , thought it necessary to make our knowledge public for of what use could it apparently be to any one , that the good opinion which all the neighbourhood had of him should then be overthrown . and even when it was settled that lydia should go with mrs . forster , the necessity of opening her eyes to his character never occurred to me . that she could be in any danger from the deception never entered my head . that such a consequence as this could ensue , you may easily believe , was far enough from my thoughts . when they all removed to brighton , therefore , you had no reason , i suppose , to believe them fond of each other . not the slightest . i can remember no symptom of affection on either side and had anything of the kind been perceptible , you must be aware that ours is not a family on which it could be thrown away . when first he entered the corps , she was ready enough to admire him but so we all were . every girl in or near meryton was out of her senses about him for the first two months but he never distinguished her by any particular attention and , consequently , after a moderate period of extravagant and wild admiration , her fancy for him gave way , and others of the regiment , who treated her with more distinction , again became her favourites . it may be easily believed , that however little of novelty could be added to their fears , hopes , and conjectures , on this interesting subject , by its repeated discussion , no other could detain them from it long , during the whole of the journey . from elizabeths thoughts it was never absent . fixed there by the keenest of all anguish , self reproach, , she could find no interval of ease or forgetfulness . they travelled as expeditiously as possible , and , sleeping one night on the road , reached longbourn by dinner time the next day . it was a comfort to elizabeth to consider that jane could not have been wearied by long expectations . the little gardiners , attracted by the sight of a chaise , were standing on the steps of the house as they entered the paddock and , when the carriage drove up to the door , the joyful surprise that lighted up their faces , and displayed itself over their whole bodies , in a variety of capers and frisks , was the first pleasing earnest of their welcome . elizabeth jumped out and , after giving each of them a hasty kiss , hurried into the vestibule , where jane , who came running down from her mothers apartment , immediately met her . elizabeth , as she affectionately embraced her , whilst tears filled the eyes of both , lost not a moment in asking whether anything had been heard of the fugitives . not yet , replied jane . but now that my dear uncle is come , i hope everything will be well . is my father in town . yes , he went on tuesday , as i wrote you word . and have you heard from him often . we have heard only twice . he wrote me a few lines on wednesday to say that he had arrived in safety , and to give me his directions , which i particularly begged him to do . he merely added that he should not write again till he had something of importance to mention . and my mother  is she . how are you all . my mother is tolerably well , i trust though her spirits are greatly shaken . she is up stairs and will have great satisfaction in seeing you all . she does not yet leave her dressing room . mary and kitty , thank heaven , are quite well . but you  are you . cried elizabeth . you look pale . how much you must have gone through . her sister , however , assured her of her being perfectly well and their conversation , which had been passing while mr . and mrs . gardiner were engaged with their children , was now put an end to by the approach of the whole party . jane ran to her uncle and aunt , and welcomed and thanked them both , with alternate smiles and tears . when they were all in the drawing room, , the questions which elizabeth had already asked were of course repeated by the others , and they soon found that jane had no intelligence to give . the sanguine hope of good , however , which the benevolence of her heart suggested had not yet deserted her she still expected that it would all end well , and that every morning would bring some letter , either from lydia or her father , to explain their proceedings , and , perhaps , announce their marriage . mrs . bennet , to whose apartment they all repaired , after a few minutes conversation together , received them exactly as might be expected with tears and lamentations of regret , invectives against the villainous conduct of wickham , and complaints of her own sufferings and ill usage blaming everybody but the person to whose ill judging indulgence the errors of her daughter must principally be owing . if i had been able , said she , to carry my point in going to brighton , with all my family , this would not have happened but poor dear lydia had nobody to take care of her . why did the forsters ever let her go out of their sight . i am sure there was some great neglect or other on their side , for she is not the kind of girl to do such a thing if she had been well looked after . i always thought they were very unfit to have the charge of her but i was overruled , as i always am . poor dear child . and now heres mr . bennet gone away , and i know he will fight wickham , wherever he meets him and then he will be killed , and what is to become of us all . the collinses will turn us out before he is cold in his grave , and if you are not kind to us , brother , i do not know what we shall do . they all exclaimed against such terrific ideas and mr . gardiner , after general assurances of his affection for her and all her family , told her that he meant to be in london the very next day , and would assist mr . bennet in every endeavour for recovering lydia . do not give way to useless alarm , added he though it is right to be prepared for the worst , there is no occasion to look on it as certain . it is not quite a week since they left brighton . in a few days more we may gain some news of them and till we know that they are not married , and have no design of marrying , do not let us give the matter over as lost . as soon as i get to town i shall go to my brother , and make him come home with me to gracechurch street and then we may consult together as to what is to be done . oh . my dear brother , replied mrs . bennet , that is exactly what i could most wish for . and now do , when you get to town , find them out , wherever they may be and if they are not married already , make them marry . and as for wedding clothes , do not let them wait for that , but tell lydia she shall have as much money as she chooses to buy them , after they are married . and , above all , keep mr . bennet from fighting . tell him what a dreadful state i am in , that i am frighted out of my wits  have such tremblings , such flutterings , all over me  spasms in my side and pains in my head , and such beatings at heart , that i can get no rest by night nor by day . and tell my dear lydia not to give any directions about her clothes till she has seen me , for she does not know which are the best warehouses . oh , brother , how kind you are . i know you will contrive it all . but mr . gardiner , though he assured her again of his earnest endeavours in the cause , could not avoid recommending moderation to her , as well in her hopes as her fear and after talking with her in this manner till dinner was on the table , they all left her to vent all her feelings on the housekeeper , who attended in the absence of her daughters . though her brother and sister were persuaded that there was no real occasion for such a seclusion from the family , they did not attempt to oppose it , for they knew that she had not prudence enough to hold her tongue before the servants , while they waited at table , and judged it better that one only of the household , and the one whom they could most trust should comprehend all her fears and solicitude on the subject . in the dining room they were soon joined by mary and kitty , who had been too busily engaged in their separate apartments to make their appearance before . one came from her books , and the other from her toilette . the faces of both , however , were tolerably calm and no change was visible in either , except that the loss of her favourite sister , or the anger which she had herself incurred in this business , had given more of fretfulness than usual to the accents of kitty . as for mary , she was mistress enough of herself to whisper to elizabeth , with a countenance of grave reflection , soon after they were seated at table this is a most unfortunate affair , and will probably be much talked of . but we must stem the tide of malice , and pour into the wounded bosoms of each other the balm of sisterly consolation . then , perceiving in elizabeth no inclination of replying , she added , unhappy as the event must be for lydia , we may draw from it this useful lesson that loss of virtue in a female is irretrievable that one false step involves her in endless ruin that her reputation is no less brittle than it is beautiful and that she cannot be too much guarded in her behaviour towards the undeserving of the other sex . elizabeth lifted up her eyes in amazement , but was too much oppressed to make any reply . mary , however , continued to console herself with such kind of moral extractions from the evil before them . in the afternoon , the two elder miss bennets were able to be for half an by themselves and elizabeth instantly availed herself of the opportunity of making any inquiries , which jane was equally eager to satisfy . after joining in general lamentations over the dreadful sequel of this event , which elizabeth considered as all but certain , and miss bennet could not assert to be wholly impossible , the former continued the subject , by saying , but tell me all and everything about it which i have not already heard . give me further particulars . what did colonel forster say . had they no apprehension of anything before the elopement took place . they must have seen them together for ever . colonel forster did own that he had often suspected some partiality , especially on lydias side , but nothing to give him any alarm . i am so grieved for him . his behaviour was attentive and kind to the utmost . he was coming to us , in order to assure us of his concern , before he had any idea of their not being gone to scotland when that apprehension first got abroad , it hastened his journey . and was denny convinced that wickham would not marry . did he know of their intending to go off . had colonel forster seen denny himself . yes but , when questioned by him , denny denied knowing anything of their plans , and would not give his real opinion about it . he did not repeat his persuasion of their not marrying  from that , i am inclined to hope , he might have been misunderstood before . and till colonel forster came himself , not one of you entertained a doubt , i suppose , of their being really married . how was it possible that such an idea should enter our brains . i felt a little uneasy  little fearful of my sisters happiness with him in marriage , because i knew that his conduct had not been always quite right . my father and mother knew nothing of that they only felt how imprudent a match it must be . kitty then owned , with a very natural triumph on knowing more than the rest of us , that in lydias last letter she had prepared her for such a step . she had known , it seems , of their being in love with each other , many weeks . but not before they went to brighton . no , i believe not . and did colonel forster appear to think well of wickham himself . does he know his real character . i must confess that he did not speak so well of wickham as he formerly did . he believed him to be imprudent and extravagant . and since this sad affair has taken place , it is said that he left meryton greatly in debt but i hope this may be false . oh , jane , had we been less secret , had we told what we knew of him , this could not have happened . perhaps it would have been better , replied her sister . but to expose the former faults of any person without knowing what their present feelings were , seemed unjustifiable . we acted with the best intentions . could colonel forster repeat the particulars of lydias note to his wife . he brought it with him for us to see . jane then took it from her pocket book, , and gave it to elizabeth . these were the contents my dear harriet , you will laugh when you know where i am gone , and i cannot help laughing myself at your surprise to morrow morning , as soon as i am missed . i am going to gretna green , and if you cannot guess with who , i shall think you a simpleton , for there is but one man in the world i love , and he is an angel . i should never be happy without him , so think it no harm to be off . you need not send them word at longbourn of my going , if you do not like it , for it will make the surprise the greater , when i write to them and sign my name lydia wickham . what a good joke it will be . i can hardly write for laughing . pray make my excuses to pratt for not keeping my engagement , and dancing with him to night . tell him i hope he will excuse me when he knows all and tell him i will dance with him at the next ball we meet , with great pleasure . i shall send for my clothes when i get to longbourn but i wish you would tell sally to mend a great slit in my worked muslin gown before they are packed up . good bye . give my love to colonel forster . i hope you will drink to our good journey . your affectionate friend , lydia bennet . oh . thoughtless , lydia . cried elizabeth when she had finished it . what a letter is this , to be written at such a moment . but at least it shows that she was serious on the subject of their journey . whatever he might afterwards persuade her to , it was not on her side a scheme of infamy . my poor father . how he must have felt it . i never saw anyone so shocked . he could not speak a word for full ten minutes . my mother was taken ill immediately , and the whole house in such confusion . oh . jane , cried elizabeth , was there a servant belonging to it who did not know the whole story before the end of the day . i do not know . i hope there was . but to be guarded at such a time is very difficult . my mother was in hysterics , and though i endeavoured to give her every assistance in my power , i am afraid i did not do so much as i might have done . but the horror of what might possibly happen almost took from me my faculties . your attendance upon her has been too much for you . you do not look well . oh that i had been with you . you have had every care and anxiety upon yourself alone . mary and kitty have been very kind , and would have shared in every fatigue , i am sure but i did not think it right for either of them . kitty is slight and delicate and mary studies so much , that her hours of repose should not be broken in on . my aunt phillips came to longbourn on tuesday , after my father went away and was so good as to stay till thursday with me . she was of great use and comfort to us all . and lady lucas has been very kind she walked here on wednesday morning to condole with us , and offered her services , or any of her daughters , if they should be of use to us . she had better have stayed at home , cried elizabeth perhaps she meant well , but , under such a misfortune as this , one cannot see too little of ones neighbours . assistance is impossible condolence insufferable . let them triumph over us at a distance , and be satisfied . she then proceeded to inquire into the measures which her father had intended to pursue , while in town , for the recovery of his daughter . he meant i believe , replied jane , to go to epsom , the place where they last changed horses , see the postilions and try if anything could be made out from them . his principal object must be to discover the number of the hackney coach which took them from clapham . it had come with a fare from london and as he thought that the circumstance of a gentleman and ladys removing from one carriage into another might be remarked he meant to make inquiries at clapham . if he could anyhow discover at what house the coachman had before set down his fare , he determined to make inquiries there , and hoped it might not be impossible to find out the stand and number of the coach . i do not know of any other designs that he had formed but he was in such a hurry to be gone , and his spirits so greatly discomposed , that i had difficulty in finding out even so much as this . chapter the whole party were in hopes of a letter from mr . bennet the next morning , but the post came in without bringing a single line from him . his family knew him to be , on all common occasions , a most negligent and dilatory correspondent but at such a time they had hoped for exertion . they were forced to conclude that he had no pleasing intelligence to send but even of that they would have been glad to be certain . mr . gardiner had waited only for the letters before he set off . when he was gone , they were certain at least of receiving constant information of what was going on , and their uncle promised , at parting , to prevail on mr . bennet to return to longbourn , as soon as he could , to the great consolation of his sister , who considered it as the only security for her husbands not being killed in a duel . mrs . gardiner and the children were to remain in hertfordshire a few days longer , as the former thought her presence might be serviceable to her nieces . she shared in their attendance on mrs . bennet , and was a great comfort to them in their hours of freedom . their other aunt also visited them frequently , and always , as she said , with the design of cheering and heartening them up  , as she never came without reporting some fresh instance of wickhams extravagance or irregularity , she seldom went away without leaving them more dispirited than she found them . all meryton seemed striving to blacken the man who , but three months before , had been almost an angel of light . he was declared to be in debt to every tradesman in the place , and his intrigues , all honoured with the title of seduction , had been extended into every tradesmans family . everybody declared that he was the wickedest young man in the world and everybody began to find out that they had always distrusted the appearance of his goodness . elizabeth , though she did not credit above half of what was said , believed enough to make her former assurance of her sisters ruin more certain and even jane , who believed still less of it , became almost hopeless , more especially as the time was now come when , if they had gone to scotland , which she had never before entirely despaired of , they must in all probability have gained some news of them . mr . gardiner left longbourn on sunday on tuesday his wife received a letter from him it told them that , on his arrival , he had immediately found out his brother , and persuaded him to come to gracechurch street that mr . bennet had been to epsom and clapham , before his arrival , but without gaining any satisfactory information and that he was now determined to inquire at all the principal hotels in town , as mr . bennet thought it possible they might have gone to one of them , on their first coming to london , before they procured lodgings . mr . gardiner himself did not expect any success from this measure , but as his brother was eager in it , he meant to assist him in pursuing it . he added that mr . bennet seemed wholly disinclined at present to leave london and promised to write again very soon . there was also a postscript to this effect i have written to colonel forster to desire him to find out , if possible , from some of the young mans intimates in the regiment , whether wickham has any relations or connections who would be likely to know in what part of town he has now concealed himself . if there were anyone that one could apply to with a probability of gaining such a clue as that , it might be of essential consequence . at present we have nothing to guide us . colonel forster will , i dare say , do everything in his power to satisfy us on this head . but , on second thoughts , perhaps , lizzy could tell us what relations he has now living , better than any other person . elizabeth was at no loss to understand from whence this deference to her authority proceeded but it was not in her power to give any information of so satisfactory a nature as the compliment deserved . she had never heard of his having had any relations , except a father and mother , both of whom had been dead many years . it was possible , however , that some of his companions in the might be able to give more information and though she was not very sanguine in expecting it , the application was a something to look forward to . every day at longbourn was now a day of anxiety but the most anxious part of each was when the post was expected . the arrival of letters was the grand object of every mornings impatience . through letters , whatever of good or bad was to be told would be communicated , and every succeeding day was expected to bring some news of importance . but before they heard again from mr . gardiner , a letter arrived for their father , from a different quarter , from mr . collins which , as jane had received directions to open all that came for him in his absence , she accordingly read and elizabeth , who knew what curiosities his letters always were , looked over her , and read it likewise . it was as follows my dear sir , i feel myself called upon , by our relationship , and my situation in life , to condole with you on the grievous affliction you are now suffering under , of which we were yesterday informed by a letter from hertfordshire . be assured , my dear sir , that mrs . collins and myself sincerely sympathise with you and all your respectable family , in your present distress , which must be of the bitterest kind , because proceeding from a cause which no time can remove . no arguments shall be wanting on my part that can alleviate so severe a misfortune  that may comfort you , under a circumstance that must be of all others the most afflicting to a parents mind . the death of your daughter would have been a blessing in comparison of this . and it is the more to be lamented , because there is reason to suppose as my dear charlotte informs me , that this licentiousness of behaviour in your daughter has proceeded from a faulty degree of indulgence though , at the same time , for the consolation of yourself and mrs . bennet , i am inclined to think that her own disposition must be naturally bad , or she could not be guilty of such an enormity , at so early an age . howsoever that may be , you are grievously to be pitied in which opinion i am not only joined by mrs . collins , but likewise by lady catherine and her daughter , to whom i have related the affair . they agree with me in apprehending that this false step in one daughter will be injurious to the fortunes of all the others for who , as lady catherine herself condescendingly says , will connect themselves with such a family . and this consideration leads me moreover to reflect , with augmented satisfaction , on a certain event of last november for had it been otherwise , i must have been involved in all your sorrow and disgrace . let me then advise you , dear sir , to console yourself as much as possible , to throw off your unworthy child from your affection for ever , and leave her to reap the fruits of her own heinous offense . i am , dear sir , etc . etc . mr . gardiner did not write again till he had received an answer from colonel forster and then he had nothing of a pleasant nature to send . it was not known that wickham had a single relationship with whom he kept up any connection , and it was certain that he had no near one living . his former acquaintances had been numerous but since he had been in the militia , it did not appear that he was on terms of particular friendship with any of them . there was no one , therefore , who could be pointed out as likely to give any news of him . and in the wretched state of his own finances , there was a very powerful motive for secrecy , in addition to his fear of discovery by lydias relations , for it had just transpired that he had left gaming debts behind him to a very considerable amount . colonel forster believed that more than a thousand pounds would be necessary to clear his expenses at brighton . he owed a good deal in town , but his debts of honour were still more formidable . mr . gardiner did not attempt to conceal these particulars from the longbourn family . jane heard them with horror . a gamester . she cried . this is wholly unexpected . i had not an idea of it . mr . gardiner added in his letter , that they might expect to see their father at home on the following day , which was saturday . rendered spiritless by the ill success of all their endeavours , he had yielded to his brother in entreaty that he would return to his family , and leave it to him to do whatever occasion might suggest to be advisable for continuing their pursuit . when mrs . bennet was told of this , she did not express so much satisfaction as her children expected , considering what her anxiety for his life had been before . what , is he coming home , and without poor lydia . she cried . sure he will not leave london before he has found them . who is to fight wickham , and make him marry her , if he comes away . as mrs . gardiner began to wish to be at home , it was settled that she and the children should go to london , at the same time that mr . bennet came from it . the coach , therefore , took them the first stage of their journey , and brought its master back to longbourn . mrs . gardiner went away in all the perplexity about elizabeth and her derbyshire friend that had attended her from that part of the world . his name had never been voluntarily mentioned before them by her niece and the kind of half expectation which mrs . gardiner had formed , of their being followed by a letter from him , had ended in nothing . elizabeth had received none since her return that could come from pemberley . the present unhappy state of the family rendered any other excuse for the lowness of her spirits unnecessary nothing , therefore , could be fairly conjectured from that , though elizabeth , who was by this time tolerably well acquainted with her own feelings , was perfectly aware that , had she known nothing of darcy , she could have borne the dread of lydias infamy somewhat better . it would have spared her , she thought , one sleepless night out of two . when mr . bennet arrived , he had all the appearance of his usual philosophic composure . he said as little as he had ever been in the habit of saying made no mention of the business that had taken him away , and it was some time before his daughters had courage to speak of it . it was not till the afternoon , when he had joined them at tea , that elizabeth ventured to introduce the subject and then , on her briefly expressing her sorrow for what he must have endured , he replied , say nothing of that . who should suffer but myself . it has been my own doing , and i ought to feel it . you must not be too severe upon yourself , replied elizabeth . you may well warn me against such an evil . human nature is so prone to fall into it . no , lizzy , let me once in my life feel how much i have been to blame . i am not afraid of being overpowered by the impression . it will pass away soon enough . do you suppose them to be in london . yes where else can they be so well concealed . and lydia used to want to go to london , added kitty . she is happy then , said her father drily and her residence there will probably be of some duration . then after a short silence he continued lizzy , i bear you no ill will for being justified in your advice to me last may , which , considering the event , shows some greatness of mind . they were interrupted by miss bennet , who came to fetch her mothers tea . this is a parade , he cried , which does one good it gives such an elegance to misfortune . another day i will do the same i will sit in my library , in my nightcap and powdering gown , and give as much trouble as i can or , perhaps , i may defer it till kitty runs away . i am not going to run away , papa , said kitty fretfully . if i should ever go to brighton , i would behave better than lydia . you go to brighton . i would not trust you so near it as eastbourne for fifty pounds . no , kitty , i have at last learnt to be cautious , and you will feel the effects of it . no officer is ever to enter into my house again , nor even to pass through the village . balls will be absolutely prohibited , unless you stand up with one of your sisters . and you are never to stir out of doors till you can prove that you have spent ten minutes of every day in a rational manner . kitty , who took all these threats in a serious light , began to cry . well , said he , do not make yourself unhappy . if you are a good girl for the next ten years , i will take you to a review at the end of them . chapter two days after mr . bennets return , as jane and elizabeth were walking together in the shrubbery behind the house , they saw the housekeeper coming towards them , and , concluding that she came to call them to their mother , went forward to meet her but , instead of the expected summons , when they approached her , she said to miss bennet , i beg your pardon , madam , for interrupting you , but i was in hopes you might have got some good news from town , so i took the liberty of coming to ask . what do you mean , hill . we have heard nothing from town . dear madam , cried mrs . hill , in great astonishment , dont you know there is an express come for master from mr . gardiner . he has been here this half hour, , and master has had a letter . away ran the girls , too eager to get in to have time for speech . they ran through the vestibule into the breakfast room from thence to the library their father was in neither and they were on the point of seeking him up stairs with their mother , when they were met by the butler , who said if you are looking for my master , maam , he is walking towards the little copse . upon this information , they instantly passed through the hall once more , and ran across the lawn after their father , who was deliberately pursuing his way towards a small wood on one side of the paddock . jane , who was not so light nor so much in the habit of running as elizabeth , soon lagged behind , while her sister , panting for breath , came up with him , and eagerly cried out oh , papa , what news  . have you heard from my uncle . yes i have had a letter from him by express . well , and what news does it bring  or bad . what is there of good to be expected . said he , taking the letter from his pocket . but perhaps you would like to read it . elizabeth impatiently caught it from his hand . jane now came up . read it aloud , said their father , for i hardly know myself what it is about . gracechurch street , monday , august . my dear brother , at last i am able to send you some tidings of my niece , and such as , upon the whole , i hope it will give you satisfaction . soon after you left me on saturday , i was fortunate enough to find out in what part of london they were . the particulars i reserve till we meet it is enough to know they are discovered . i have seen them both  then it is as i always hoped , cried jane they are married . elizabeth read on i have seen them both . they are not married , nor can i find there was any intention of being so but if you are willing to perform the engagements which i have ventured to make on your side , i hope it will not be long before they are . all that is required of you is , to assure to your daughter , by settlement , her equal share of the five thousand pounds secured among your children after the decease of yourself and my sister and , moreover , to enter into an engagement of allowing her , during your life , one hundred pounds per annum . these are conditions which , considering everything , i had no hesitation in complying with , as far as i thought myself privileged , for you . i shall send this by express , that no time may be lost in bringing me your answer . you will easily comprehend , from these particulars , that mr . wickhams circumstances are not so hopeless as they are generally believed to be . the world has been deceived in that respect and i am happy to say there will be some little money , even when all his debts are discharged , to settle on my niece , in addition to her own fortune . if , as i conclude will be the case , you send me full powers to act in your name throughout the whole of this business , i will immediately give directions to haggerston for preparing a proper settlement . there will not be the smallest occasion for your coming to town again therefore stay quiet at longbourn , and depend on my diligence and care . send back your answer as fast as you can , and be careful to write explicitly . we have judged it best that my niece should be married from this house , of which i hope you will approve . she comes to us to day . i shall write again as soon as anything more is determined on . yours , etc . edw . gardiner . is it possible . cried elizabeth , when she had finished . can it be possible that he will marry her . wickham is not so undeserving , then , as we thought him , said her sister . my dear father , i congratulate you . and have you answered the letter . cried elizabeth . no but it must be done soon . most earnestly did she then entreat him to lose no more time before he wrote . oh . my dear father , she cried , come back and write immediately . consider how important every moment is in such a case . let me write for you , said jane , if you dislike the trouble yourself . i dislike it very much , he replied but it must be done . and so saying , he turned back with them , and walked towards the house . and may i ask  said elizabeth but the terms , i suppose , must be complied with . complied with . i am only ashamed of his asking so little . and they must marry . yet he is such a man . yes , they must marry . there is nothing else to be done . but there are two things that i want very much to know one is , how much money your uncle has laid down to bring it about and the other , how am i ever to pay him . money . my uncle . cried jane , what do you mean , sir . i mean , that no man in his senses would marry lydia on so slight a temptation as one hundred a year during my life , and fifty after i am gone . that is very true , said elizabeth though it had not occurred to me before . his debts to be discharged , and something still to remain . oh . it must be my uncles doings . generous , good man , i am afraid he has distressed himself . a small sum could not do all this . no , said her father wickhams a fool if he takes her with a farthing less than ten thousand pounds . i should be sorry to think so ill of him , in the very beginning of our relationship . ten thousand pounds . heaven forbid . how is half such a sum to be repaid . mr . bennet made no answer , and each of them , deep in thought , continued silent till they reached the house . their father then went on to the library to write , and the girls walked into the breakfast room . and they are really to be married . cried elizabeth , as soon as they were by themselves . how strange this is . and for this we are to be thankful . that they should marry , small as is their chance of happiness , and wretched as is his character , we are forced to rejoice . oh , lydia . i comfort myself with thinking , replied jane , that he certainly would not marry lydia if he had not a real regard for her . though our kind uncle has done something towards clearing him , i cannot believe that ten thousand pounds , or anything like it , has been advanced . he has children of his own , and may have more . how could he spare half ten thousand pounds . if he were ever able to learn what wickhams debts have been , said elizabeth , and how much is settled on his side on our sister , we shall exactly know what mr . gardiner has done for them , because wickham has not sixpence of his own . the kindness of my uncle and aunt can never be requited . their taking her home , and affording her their personal protection and countenance , is such a sacrifice to her advantage as years of gratitude cannot enough acknowledge . by this time she is actually with them . if such goodness does not make her miserable now , she will never deserve to be happy . what a meeting for her , when she first sees my aunt . we must endeavour to forget all that has passed on either side , said jane i hope and trust they will yet be happy . his consenting to marry her is a proof , i will believe , that he is come to a right way of thinking . their mutual affection will steady them and i flatter myself they will settle so quietly , and live in so rational a manner , as may in time make their past imprudence forgotten . their conduct has been such , replied elizabeth , as neither you , nor i , nor anybody can ever forget . it is useless to talk of it . it now occurred to the girls that their mother was in all likelihood perfectly ignorant of what had happened . they went to the library , therefore , and asked their father whether he would not wish them to make it known to her . he was writing and , without raising his head , coolly replied just as you please . may we take my uncles letter to read to her . take whatever you like , and get away . elizabeth took the letter from his writing table, , and they went up stairs together . mary and kitty were both with mrs . bennet one communication would , therefore , do for all . after a slight preparation for good news , the letter was read aloud . mrs . bennet could hardly contain herself . as soon as jane had read mr . gardiners hope of lydias being soon married , her joy burst forth , and every following sentence added to its exuberance . she was now in an irritation as violent from delight , as she had ever been fidgety from alarm and vexation . to know that her daughter would be married was enough . she was disturbed by no fear for her felicity , nor humbled by any remembrance of her misconduct . my dear , lydia . she cried . this is delightful indeed . she will be married . i shall see her again . she will be married at sixteen . my good , kind brother . i knew how it would be . i knew he would manage everything . how i long to see her . and to see dear wickham too . but the clothes , the wedding clothes . i will write to my sister gardiner about them directly . lizzy , my dear , run down to your father , and ask him how much he will give her . stay , i will go myself . ring the bell , kitty , for hill . i will put on my things in a moment . my dear , lydia . how merry we shall be together when we meet . her eldest daughter endeavoured to give some relief to the violence of these transports , by leading her thoughts to the obligations which mr . gardiners behaviour laid them all under . for we must attribute this happy conclusion , she added , in a great measure to his kindness . we are persuaded that he has pledged himself to assist mr . wickham with money . well , cried her mother , it is all very right who should do it but her own uncle . if he had not had a family of his own , i and my children must have had all his money , you know and it is the first time we have ever had anything from him , except a few presents . well . i am so happy . in a short time i shall have a daughter married . mrs . wickham . how well it sounds . and she was only sixteen last june . my dear jane , i am in such a flutter , that i am sure i cant write so i will dictate , and you write for me . we will settle with your father about the money afterwards but the things should be ordered immediately . she was then proceeding to all the particulars of calico , muslin , and cambric , and would shortly have dictated some very plentiful orders , had not jane , though with some difficulty , persuaded her to wait till her father was at leisure to be consulted . one days delay , she observed , would be of small importance and her mother was too happy to be quite so obstinate as usual . other schemes , too , came into her head . i will go to meryton , said she , as soon as i am dressed , and tell the good , news to my sister philips . and as i come back , i can call on lady lucas and mrs . long . kitty , run down and order the carriage . an airing would do me a great deal of good , i am sure . girls , can i do anything for you in meryton . oh . here comes hill . my dear hill , have you heard the good news . miss lydia is going to be married and you shall all have a bowl of punch to make merry at her wedding . mrs . hill began instantly to express her joy . elizabeth received her congratulations amongst the rest , and then , sick of this folly , took refuge in her own room , that she might think with freedom . poor lydias situation must , at best , be bad enough but that it was no worse , she had need to be thankful . she felt it so and though , in looking forward , neither rational happiness nor worldly prosperity could be justly expected for her sister , in looking back to what they had feared , only two hours ago , she felt all the advantages of what they had gained . chapter mr . bennet had very often wished before this period of his life that , instead of spending his whole income , he had laid by an annual sum for the better provision of his children , and of his wife , if she survived him . he now wished it more than ever . had he done his duty in that respect , lydia need not have been indebted to her uncle for whatever of honour or credit could now be purchased for her . the satisfaction of prevailing on one of the most worthless young men in great britain to be her husband might then have rested in its proper place . he was seriously concerned that a cause of so little advantage to anyone should be forwarded at the sole expense of his brother in , and he was determined , if possible , to find out the extent of his assistance , and to discharge the obligation as soon as he could . when first mr . bennet had married , economy was held to be perfectly useless , for , of course , they were to have a son . the son was to join in cutting off the entail , as soon as he should be of age , and the widow and younger children would by that means be provided for . five daughters successively entered the world , but yet the son was to come and mrs . bennet , for many years after lydias birth , had been certain that he would . this event had at last been despaired of , but it was then too late to be saving . mrs . bennet had no turn for economy , and her husbands love of independence had alone prevented their exceeding their income . five thousand pounds was settled by marriage articles on mrs . bennet and the children . but in what proportions it should be divided amongst the latter depended on the will of the parents . this was one point , with regard to lydia , at least , which was now to be settled , and mr . bennet could have no hesitation in acceding to the proposal before him . in terms of grateful acknowledgment for the kindness of his brother , though expressed most concisely , he then delivered on paper his perfect approbation of all that was done , and his willingness to fulfil the engagements that had been made for him . he had never before supposed that , could wickham be prevailed on to marry his daughter , it would be done with so little inconvenience to himself as by the present arrangement . he would scarcely be ten pounds a year the loser by the hundred that was to be paid them for , what with her board and pocket allowance , and the continual presents in money which passed to her through her mothers hands , lydias expenses had been very little within that sum . that it would be done with such trifling exertion on his side , too , was another very welcome surprise for his wish at present was to have as little trouble in the business as possible . when the first transports of rage which had produced his activity in seeking her were over , he naturally returned to all his former indolence . his letter was soon dispatched for , though dilatory in undertaking business , he was quick in its execution . he begged to know further particulars of what he was indebted to his brother , but was too angry with lydia to send any message to her . the good news spread quickly through the house , and with proportionate speed through the neighbourhood . it was borne in the latter with decent philosophy . to be sure , it would have been more for the advantage of conversation had miss lydia bennet come upon the town or , as the happiest alternative , been secluded from the world , in some distant farmhouse . but there was much to be talked of in marrying her and the good natured wishes for her well doing which had proceeded before from all the spiteful old ladies in meryton lost but a little of their spirit in this change of circumstances , because with such an husband her misery was considered certain . it was a fortnight since mrs . bennet had been downstairs but on this happy day she again took her seat at the head of her table , and in spirits oppressively high . no sentiment of shame gave a damp to her triumph . the marriage of a daughter , which had been the first object of her wishes since jane was sixteen , was now on the point of accomplishment , and her thoughts and her words ran wholly on those attendants of elegant nuptials , fine muslins , new carriages , and servants . she was busily searching through the neighbourhood for a proper situation for her daughter , and , without knowing or considering what their income might be , rejected many as deficient in size and importance . haye park might do , said she , if the gouldings could quit it  the great house at stoke , if the drawing room were larger but ashworth is too far off . i could not bear to have her ten miles from me and as for pulvis lodge , the attics are dreadful . her husband allowed her to talk on without interruption while the servants remained . but when they had withdrawn , he said to her mrs . bennet , before you take any or all of these houses for your son and daughter , let us come to a right understanding . into one house in this neighbourhood they shall never have admittance . i will not encourage the impudence of either , by receiving them at longbourn . a long dispute followed this declaration but mr . bennet was firm . it soon led to another and mrs . bennet found , with amazement and horror , that her husband would not advance a guinea to buy clothes for his daughter . he protested that she should receive from him no mark of affection whatever on the occasion . mrs . bennet could hardly comprehend it . that his anger could be carried to such a point of inconceivable resentment as to refuse his daughter a privilege without which her marriage would scarcely seem valid , exceeded all she could believe possible . she was more alive to the disgrace which her want of new clothes must reflect on her daughters nuptials , than to any sense of shame at her eloping and living with wickham a fortnight before they took place . elizabeth was now most heartily sorry that she had , from the distress of the moment , been led to make mr . darcy acquainted with their fears for her sister for since her marriage would so shortly give the proper termination to the elopement , they might hope to conceal its unfavourable beginning from all those who were not immediately on the spot . she had no fear of its spreading farther through his means . there were few people on whose secrecy she would have more confidently depended but , at the same time , there was no one whose knowledge of a sisters frailty would have mortified her so much  , however , from any fear of disadvantage from it individually to herself , for , at any rate , there seemed a gulf impassable between them . had lydias marriage been concluded on the most honourable terms , it was not to be supposed that mr . darcy would connect himself with a family where , to every other objection , would now be added an alliance and relationship of the nearest kind with a man whom he so justly scorned . from such a connection she could not wonder that he would shrink . the wish of procuring her regard , which she had assured herself of his feeling in derbyshire , could not in rational expectation survive such a blow as this . she was humbled , she was grieved she repented , though she hardly knew of what . she became jealous of his esteem , when she could no longer hope to be benefited by it . she wanted to hear of him , when there seemed the least chance of gaining intelligence . she was convinced that she could have been happy with him , when it was no longer likely they should meet . what a triumph for him , as she often thought , could he know that the proposals which she had proudly spurned only four months ago , would now have been most gladly and gratefully received . he was as generous , she doubted not , as the most generous of his sex but while he was mortal , there must be a triumph . she began now to comprehend that he was exactly the man who , in disposition and talents , would most suit her . his understanding and temper , though unlike her own , would have answered all her wishes . it was an union that must have been to the advantage of both by her ease and liveliness , his mind might have been softened , his manners improved and from his judgement , information , and knowledge of the world , she must have received benefit of greater importance . but no such happy marriage could now teach the admiring multitude what connubial felicity really was . an union of a different tendency , and precluding the possibility of the other , was soon to be formed in their family . how wickham and lydia were to be supported in tolerable independence , she could not imagine . but how little of permanent happiness could belong to a couple who were only brought together because their passions were stronger than their virtue , she could easily conjecture . mr . gardiner soon wrote again to his brother . to mr . bennets acknowledgments he briefly replied , with assurance of his eagerness to promote the welfare of any of his family and concluded with entreaties that the subject might never be mentioned to him again . the principal purport of his letter was to inform them that mr . wickham had resolved on quitting the militia . it was greatly my wish that he should do so , he added , as soon as his marriage was fixed on . and i think you will agree with me , in considering the removal from that corps as highly advisable , both on his account and my nieces . it is mr . wickhams intention to go into the regulars and among his former friends , there are still some who are able and willing to assist him in the army . he has the promise of an ensigncy in general regiment , now quartered in the north . it is an advantage to have it so far from this part of the kingdom . he promises fairly and i hope among different people , where they may each have a character to preserve , they will both be more prudent . i have written to colonel forster , to inform him of our present arrangements , and to request that he will satisfy the various creditors of mr . wickham in and near brighton , with assurances of speedy payment , for which i have pledged myself . and will you give yourself the trouble of carrying similar assurances to his creditors in meryton , of whom i shall subjoin a list according to his information . he has given in all his debts i hope at least he has not deceived us . haggerston has our directions , and all will be completed in a week . they will then join his regiment , unless they are first invited to longbourn and i understand from mrs . gardiner , that my niece is very desirous of seeing you all before she leaves the south . she is well , and begs to be dutifully remembered to you and her mother . etc . e . gardiner . mr . bennet and his daughters saw all the advantages of wickhams removal from the as clearly as mr . gardiner could do . but mrs . bennet was not so well pleased with it . lydias being settled in the north , just when she had expected most pleasure and pride in her company , for she had by no means given up her plan of their residing in hertfordshire , was a severe disappointment and , besides , it was such a pity that lydia should be taken from a regiment where she was acquainted with everybody , and had so many favourites . she is so fond of mrs . forster , said she , it will be quite shocking to send her away . and there are several of the young men , too , that she likes very much . the officers may not be so pleasant in general regiment . his daughters request , for such it might be considered , of being admitted into her family again before she set off for the north , received at first an absolute negative . but jane and elizabeth , who agreed in wishing , for the sake of their sisters feelings and consequence , that she should be noticed on her marriage by her parents , urged him so earnestly yet so rationally and so mildly , to receive her and her husband at longbourn , as soon as they were married , that he was prevailed on to think as they thought , and act as they wished . and their mother had the satisfaction of knowing that she would be able to show her married daughter in the neighbourhood before she was banished to the north . when mr . bennet wrote again to his brother , therefore , he sent his permission for them to come and it was settled , that as soon as the ceremony was over , they should proceed to longbourn . elizabeth was surprised , however , that wickham should consent to such a scheme , and had she consulted only her own inclination , any meeting with him would have been the last object of her wishes . chapter their sisters wedding day arrived and jane and elizabeth felt for her probably more than she felt for herself . the carriage was sent to meet them at and they were to return in it by dinner time . their arrival was dreaded by the elder miss bennets , and jane more especially , who gave lydia the feelings which would have attended herself , had she been the culprit , and was wretched in the thought of what her sister must endure . they came . the family were assembled in the breakfast room to receive them . smiles decked the face of mrs . bennet as the carriage drove up to the door her husband looked impenetrably grave her daughters , alarmed , anxious , uneasy . lydias voice was heard in the vestibule the door was thrown open , and she ran into the room . her mother stepped forwards , embraced her , and welcomed her with rapture gave her hand , with an affectionate smile , to wickham , who followed his lady and wished them both joy with an alacrity which shewed no doubt of their happiness . their reception from mr . bennet , to whom they then turned , was not quite so cordial . his countenance rather gained in austerity and he scarcely opened his lips . the easy assurance of the young couple , indeed , was enough to provoke him . elizabeth was disgusted , and even miss bennet was shocked . lydia was lydia still untamed , unabashed , wild , noisy , and fearless . she turned from sister to sister , demanding their congratulations and when at length they all sat down , looked eagerly round the room , took notice of some little alteration in it , and observed , with a laugh , that it was a great while since she had been there . wickham was not at all more distressed than herself , but his manners were always so pleasing , that had his character and his marriage been exactly what they ought , his smiles and his easy address , while he claimed their relationship , would have delighted them all . elizabeth had not before believed him quite equal to such assurance but she sat down , resolving within herself to draw no limits in future to the impudence of an impudent man . she blushed , and jane blushed but the cheeks of the two who caused their confusion suffered no variation of colour . there was no want of discourse . the bride and her mother could neither of them talk fast enough and wickham , who happened to sit near elizabeth , began inquiring after his acquaintance in that neighbourhood , with a good humoured ease which she felt very unable to equal in her replies . they seemed each of them to have the happiest memories in the world . nothing of the past was recollected with pain and lydia led voluntarily to subjects which her sisters would not have alluded to for the world . only think of its being three months , she cried , since i went away it seems but a fortnight i declare and yet there have been things enough happened in the time . good gracious . when i went away , i am sure i had no more idea of being married till i came back again . though i thought it would be very good fun if i was . her father lifted up his eyes . jane was distressed . elizabeth looked expressively at lydia but she , who never heard nor saw anything of which she chose to be insensible , gaily continued , oh . mamma , do the people hereabouts know i am married to day . i was afraid they might not and we overtook william goulding in his curricle , so i was determined he should know it , and so i let down the side glass next to him , and took off my glove , and let my hand just rest upon the window frame , so that he might see the ring , and then i bowed and smiled like anything . elizabeth could bear it no longer . she got up , and ran out of the room and returned no more , till she heard them passing through the hall to the dining parlour . she then joined them soon enough to see lydia , with anxious parade , walk up to her mothers right hand , and hear her say to her eldest sister , ah . jane , i take your place now , and you must go lower , because i am a married woman . it was not to be supposed that time would give lydia that embarrassment from which she had been so wholly free at first . her ease and good spirits increased . she longed to see mrs . phillips , the lucases , and all their other neighbours , and to hear herself called mrs . wickham by each of them and in the mean time , she went after dinner to show her ring , and boast of being married , to mrs . hill and the two housemaids . well , mamma , said she , when they were all returned to the breakfast room , and what do you think of my husband . is not he a charming man . i am sure my sisters must all envy me . i only hope they may have half my good luck . they must all go to brighton . that is the place to get husbands . what a pity it is , mamma , we did not all go . very true and if i had my will , we should . but my dear lydia , i dont at all like your going such a way off . must it be so . oh , lord . yes  is nothing in that . i shall like it of all things . you and papa , and my sisters , must come down and see us . we shall be at newcastle all the winter , and i dare say there will be some balls , and i will take care to get good partners for them all . i should like it beyond anything . said her mother . and then when you go away , you may leave one or two of my sisters behind you and i dare say i shall get husbands for them before the winter is over . i thank you for my share of the favour , said elizabeth but i do not particularly like your way of getting husbands . their visitors were not to remain above ten days with them . mr . wickham had received his commission before he left london , and he was to join his regiment at the end of a fortnight . no one but mrs . bennet regretted that their stay would be so short and she made the most of the time by visiting about with her daughter , and having very frequent parties at home . these parties were acceptable to all to avoid a family circle was even more desirable to such as did think , than such as did not . wickhams affection for lydia was just what elizabeth had expected to find it not equal to lydias for him . she had scarcely needed her present observation to be satisfied , from the reason of things , that their elopement had been brought on by the strength of her love , rather than by his and she would have wondered why , without violently caring for her , he chose to elope with her at all , had she not felt certain that his flight was rendered necessary by distress of circumstances and if that were the case , he was not the young man to resist an opportunity of having a companion . lydia was exceedingly fond of him . he was her dear wickham on every occasion no one was to be put in competition with him . he did every thing best in the world and she was sure he would kill more birds on the first of september , than any body else in the country . one morning , soon after their arrival , as she was sitting with her two elder sisters , she said to elizabeth lizzy , i never gave you an account of my wedding , i believe . you were not by , when i told mamma and the others all about it . are not you curious to hear how it was managed . no really , replied elizabeth i think there cannot be too little said on the subject . la . you are so strange . but i must tell you how it went off . we were married , you know , at st . clements , because wickhams lodgings were in that parish . and it was settled that we should all be there by eleven oclock . my uncle and aunt and i were to go together and the others were to meet us at the church . well , monday morning came , and i was in such a fuss . i was so afraid , you know , that something would happen to put it off , and then i should have gone quite distracted . and there was my aunt , all the time i was dressing , preaching and talking away just as if she was reading a sermon . however , i did not hear above one word in ten , for i was thinking , you may suppose , of my dear wickham . i longed to know whether he would be married in his blue coat . well , and so we breakfasted at ten as usual i thought it would never be over for , by the bye , you are to understand , that my uncle and aunt were horrid unpleasant all the time i was with them . if youll believe me , i did not once put my foot out of doors , though i was there a fortnight . not one party , or scheme , or anything . to be sure london was rather thin , but , however , the little theatre was open . well , and so just as the carriage came to the door , my uncle was called away upon business to that horrid man mr . stone . and then , you know , when once they get together , there is no end of it . well , i was so frightened i did not know what to do , for my uncle was to give me away and if we were beyond the hour , we could not be married all day . but , luckily , he came back again in ten minutes time , and then we all set out . however , i recollected afterwards that if he had been prevented going , the wedding need not be put off , for mr . darcy might have done as well . mr . darcy . repeated elizabeth , in utter amazement . oh , yes . was to come there with wickham , you know . but gracious me . i quite forgot . i ought not to have said a word about it . i promised them so faithfully . what will wickham say . it was to be such a secret . if it was to be secret , said jane , say not another word on the subject . you may depend upon my seeking no further . oh . certainly , said elizabeth , though burning with curiosity we will ask you no questions . thank you , said lydia , for if you did , i should certainly tell you all , and then wickham would be angry . on such encouragement to ask , elizabeth was forced to put it out of her power , by running away . but to live in ignorance on such a point was impossible or at least it was impossible not to try for information . mr . darcy had been at her sisters wedding . it was exactly a scene , and exactly among people , where he had apparently least to do , and least temptation to go . conjectures as to the meaning of it , rapid and wild , hurried into her brain but she was satisfied with none . those that best pleased her , as placing his conduct in the noblest light , seemed most improbable . she could not bear such suspense and hastily seizing a sheet of paper , wrote a short letter to her aunt , to request an explanation of what lydia had dropt , if it were compatible with the secrecy which had been intended . you may readily comprehend , she added , what my curiosity must be to know how a person unconnected with any of us , and comparatively speaking a stranger to our family , should have been amongst you at such a time . pray write instantly , and let me understand it  is , for very cogent reasons , to remain in the secrecy which lydia seems to think necessary and then i must endeavour to be satisfied with ignorance . not that i shall , though , she added to herself , as she finished the letter and my dear aunt , if you do not tell me in an honourable manner , i shall certainly be reduced to tricks and stratagems to find it out . janes delicate sense of honour would not allow her to speak to elizabeth privately of what lydia had let fall elizabeth was glad of it  appeared whether her inquiries would receive any satisfaction , she had rather be without a confidante . chapter elizabeth had the satisfaction of receiving an answer to her letter as soon as she possibly could . she was no sooner in possession of it than , hurrying into the little copse , where she was least likely to be interrupted , she sat down on one of the benches and prepared to be happy for the length of the letter convinced her that it did not contain a denial . gracechurch street , sept .  . my dear niece , i have just received your letter , and shall devote this whole morning to answering it , as i foresee that a little writing will not comprise what i have to tell you . i must confess myself surprised by your application i did not expect it from you . dont think me angry , however , for i only mean to let you know that i had not imagined such inquiries to be necessary on your side . if you do not choose to understand me , forgive my impertinence . your uncle is as much surprised as i am  nothing but the belief of your being a party concerned would have allowed him to act as he has done . but if you are really innocent and ignorant , i must be more explicit . on the very day of my coming home from longbourn , your uncle had a most unexpected visitor . mr . darcy called , and was shut up with him several hours . it was all over before i arrived so my curiosity was not so dreadfully racked as yours seems to have been . he came to tell mr . gardiner that he had found out where your sister and mr . wickham were , and that he had seen and talked with them both wickham repeatedly , lydia once . from what i can collect , he left derbyshire only one day after ourselves , and came to town with the resolution of hunting for them . the motive professed was his conviction of its being owing to himself that wickhams worthlessness had not been so well known as to make it impossible for any young woman of character to love or confide in him . he generously imputed the whole to his mistaken pride , and confessed that he had before thought it beneath him to lay his private actions open to the world . his character was to speak for itself . he called it , therefore , his duty to step forward , and endeavour to remedy an evil which had been brought on by himself . if he had another motive , i am sure it would never disgrace him . he had been some days in town , before he was able to discover them but he had something to direct his search , which was more than we had and the consciousness of this was another reason for his resolving to follow us . there is a lady , it seems , a mrs . younge , who was some time ago governess to miss darcy , and was dismissed from her charge on some cause of disapprobation , though he did not say what . she then took a large house in edward street, , and has since maintained herself by letting lodgings . this mrs . younge was , he knew , intimately acquainted with wickham and he went to her for intelligence of him as soon as he got to town . but it was two or three days before he could get from her what he wanted . she would not betray her trust , i suppose , without bribery and corruption , for she really did know where her friend was to be found . wickham indeed had gone to her on their first arrival in london , and had she been able to receive them into her house , they would have taken up their abode with her . at length , however , our kind friend procured the wished for direction . they were in street . he saw wickham , and afterwards insisted on seeing lydia . his first object with her , he acknowledged , had been to persuade her to quit her present disgraceful situation , and return to her friends as soon as they could be prevailed on to receive her , offering his assistance , as far as it would go . but he found lydia absolutely resolved on remaining where she was . she cared for none of her friends she wanted no help of his she would not hear of leaving wickham . she was sure they should be married some time or other , and it did not much signify when . since such were her feelings , it only remained , he thought , to secure and expedite a marriage , which , in his very first conversation with wickham , he easily learnt had never been his design . he confessed himself obliged to leave the regiment , on account of some debts of honour , which were very pressing and scrupled not to lay all the ill consequences of lydias flight on her own folly alone . he meant to resign his commission immediately and as to his future situation , he could conjecture very little about it . he must go somewhere , but he did not know where , and he knew he should have nothing to live on . mr . darcy asked him why he had not married your sister at once . though mr . bennet was not imagined to be very rich , he would have been able to do something for him , and his situation must have been benefited by marriage . but he found , in reply to this question , that wickham still cherished the hope of more effectually making his fortune by marriage in some other country . under such circumstances , however , he was not likely to be proof against the temptation of immediate relief . they met several times , for there was much to be discussed . wickham of course wanted more than he could get but at length was reduced to be reasonable . every thing being settled between them , mr . darcys next step was to make your uncle acquainted with it , and he first called in gracechurch street the evening before i came home . but mr . gardiner could not be seen , and mr . darcy found , on further inquiry , that your father was still with him , but would quit town the next morning . he did not judge your father to be a person whom he could so properly consult as your uncle , and therefore readily postponed seeing him till after the departure of the former . he did not leave his name , and till the next day it was only known that a gentleman had called on business . on saturday he came again . your father was gone , your uncle at home , and , as i said before , they had a great deal of talk together . they met again on sunday , and then i saw him too . it was not all settled before monday as soon as it was , the express was sent off to longbourn . but our visitor was very obstinate . i fancy , lizzy , that obstinacy is the real defect of his character , after all . he has been accused of many faults at different times , but this is the true one . nothing was to be done that he did not do himself though i am sure and i do not speak it to be thanked , therefore say nothing about it , your uncle would most readily have settled the whole . they battled it together for a long time , which was more than either the gentleman or lady concerned in it deserved . but at last your uncle was forced to yield , and instead of being allowed to be of use to his niece , was forced to put up with only having the probable credit of it , which went sorely against the grain and i really believe your letter this morning gave him great pleasure , because it required an explanation that would rob him of his borrowed feathers , and give the praise where it was due . but , lizzy , this must go no farther than yourself , or jane at most . you know pretty well , i suppose , what has been done for the young people . his debts are to be paid , amounting , i believe , to considerably more than a thousand pounds , another thousand in addition to her own settled upon her , and his commission purchased . the reason why all this was to be done by him alone , was such as i have given above . it was owing to him , to his reserve and want of proper consideration , that wickhams character had been so misunderstood , and consequently that he had been received and noticed as he was . perhaps there was some truth in this though i doubt whether his reserve , or anybodys reserve , can be answerable for the event . but in spite of all this fine talking , my dear lizzy , you may rest perfectly assured that your uncle would never have yielded , if we had not given him credit for another interest in the affair . when all this was resolved on , he returned again to his friends , who were still staying at pemberley but it was agreed that he should be in london once more when the wedding took place , and all money matters were then to receive the last finish . i believe i have now told you every thing . it is a relation which you tell me is to give you great surprise i hope at least it will not afford you any displeasure . lydia came to us and wickham had constant admission to the house . he was exactly what he had been , when i knew him in hertfordshire but i would not tell you how little i was satisfied with her behaviour while she staid with us , if i had not perceived , by janes letter last wednesday , that her conduct on coming home was exactly of a piece with it , and therefore what i now tell you can give you no fresh pain . i talked to her repeatedly in the most serious manner , representing to her all the wickedness of what she had done , and all the unhappiness she had brought on her family . if she heard me , it was by good luck , for i am sure she did not listen . i was sometimes quite provoked , but then i recollected my dear elizabeth and jane , and for their sakes had patience with her . mr . darcy was punctual in his return , and as lydia informed you , attended the wedding . he dined with us the next day , and was to leave town again on wednesday or thursday . will you be very angry with me , my dear lizzy , if i take this opportunity of saying what i was never bold enough to say before how much i like him . his behaviour to us has , in every respect , been as pleasing as when we were in derbyshire . his understanding and opinions all please me he wants nothing but a little more liveliness , and that , if he marry prudently , his wife may teach him . i thought him very sly  hardly ever mentioned your name . but slyness seems the fashion . pray forgive me if i have been very presuming , or at least do not punish me so far as to exclude me from p . i shall never be quite happy till i have been all round the park . a low phaeton , with a nice little pair of ponies , would be the very thing . but i must write no more . the children have been wanting me this half hour . yours , very sincerely , m . gardiner . the contents of this letter threw elizabeth into a flutter of spirits , in which it was difficult to determine whether pleasure or pain bore the greatest share . the vague and unsettled suspicions which uncertainty had produced of what mr . darcy might have been doing to forward her sisters match , which she had feared to encourage as an exertion of goodness too great to be probable , and at the same time dreaded to be just , from the pain of obligation , were proved beyond their greatest extent to be true . he had followed them purposely to town , he had taken on himself all the trouble and mortification attendant on such a research in which supplication had been necessary to a woman whom he must abominate and despise , and where he was reduced to meet , frequently meet , reason with , persuade , and finally bribe , the man whom he always most wished to avoid , and whose very name it was punishment to him to pronounce . he had done all this for a girl whom he could neither regard nor esteem . her heart did whisper that he had done it for her . but it was a hope shortly checked by other considerations , and she soon felt that even her vanity was insufficient , when required to depend on his affection for her  a woman who had already refused him  able to overcome a sentiment so natural as abhorrence against relationship with wickham . brother in of wickham . every kind of pride must revolt from the connection . he had , to be sure , done much . she was ashamed to think how much . but he had given a reason for his interference , which asked no extraordinary stretch of belief . it was reasonable that he should feel he had been wrong he had liberality , and he had the means of exercising it and though she would not place herself as his principal inducement , she could , perhaps , believe that remaining partiality for her might assist his endeavours in a cause where her peace of mind must be materially concerned . it was painful , exceedingly painful , to know that they were under obligations to a person who could never receive a return . they owed the restoration of lydia , her character , every thing , to him . oh . how heartily did she grieve over every ungracious sensation she had ever encouraged , every saucy speech she had ever directed towards him . for herself she was humbled but she was proud of him . proud that in a cause of compassion and honour , he had been able to get the better of himself . she read over her aunts commendation of him again and again . it was hardly enough but it pleased her . she was even sensible of some pleasure , though mixed with regret , on finding how steadfastly both she and her uncle had been persuaded that affection and confidence subsisted between mr . darcy and herself . she was roused from her seat , and her reflections , by some ones approach and before she could strike into another path , she was overtaken by wickham . i am afraid i interrupt your solitary ramble , my dear sister . said he , as he joined her . you certainly do , she replied with a smile but it does not follow that the interruption must be unwelcome . i should be sorry indeed , if it were . we were always good friends and now we are better . true . are the others coming out . i do not know . mrs . bennet and lydia are going in the carriage to meryton . and so , my dear sister , i find , from our uncle and aunt , that you have actually seen pemberley . she replied in the affirmative . i almost envy you the pleasure , and yet i believe it would be too much for me , or else i could take it in my way to newcastle . and you saw the old housekeeper , i suppose . poor reynolds , she was always very fond of me . but of course she did not mention my name to you . yes , she did . and what did she say . that you were gone into the army , and she was afraid had  turned out well . at such a distance as that , you know , things are strangely misrepresented . certainly , he replied , biting his lips . elizabeth hoped she had silenced him but he soon afterwards said i was surprised to see darcy in town last month . we passed each other several times . i wonder what he can be doing there . perhaps preparing for his marriage with miss de bourgh , said elizabeth . it must be something particular , to take him there at this time of year . undoubtedly . did you see him while you were at lambton . i thought i understood from the gardiners that you had . yes he introduced us to his sister . and do you like her . very much . i have heard , indeed , that she is uncommonly improved within this year or two . when i last saw her , she was not very promising . i am very glad you liked her . i hope she will turn out well . i dare say she will she has got over the most trying age . did you go by the village of kympton . i do not recollect that we did . i mention it , because it is the living which i ought to have had . a most delightful place . parsonage house . it would have suited me in every respect . how should you have liked making sermons . exceedingly well . i should have considered it as part of my duty , and the exertion would soon have been nothing . one ought not to repine  , to be sure , it would have been such a thing for me . the quiet , the retirement of such a life would have answered all my ideas of happiness . but it was not to be . did you ever hear darcy mention the circumstance , when you were in kent . i have heard from authority , which i thought as good , that it was left you conditionally only , and at the will of the present patron . you have . yes , there was something in that i told you so from the first , you may remember . i did hear , too , that there was a time , when sermon making was not so palatable to you as it seems to be at present that you actually declared your resolution of never taking orders , and that the business had been compromised accordingly . you did . and it was not wholly without foundation . you may remember what i told you on that point , when first we talked of it . they were now almost at the door of the house , for she had walked fast to get rid of him and unwilling , for her sisters sake , to provoke him , she only said in reply , with a good humoured smile come , mr . wickham , we are brother and sister , you know . do not let us quarrel about the past . in future , i hope we shall be always of one mind . she held out her hand he kissed it with affectionate gallantry , though he hardly knew how to look , and they entered the house . chapter mr . wickham was so perfectly satisfied with this conversation that he never again distressed himself , or provoked his dear sister elizabeth , by introducing the subject of it and she was pleased to find that she had said enough to keep him quiet . the day of his and lydias departure soon came , and mrs . bennet was forced to submit to a separation , which , as her husband by no means entered into her scheme of their all going to newcastle , was likely to continue at least a twelvemonth . oh . my dear lydia , she cried , when shall we meet again . oh , lord . i dont know . not these two or three years , perhaps . write to me very often , my dear . as often as i can . but you know married women have never much time for writing . my sisters may write to me . they will have nothing else to do . mr . wickhams adieus were much more affectionate than his wifes . he smiled , looked handsome , and said many pretty things . he is as fine a fellow , said mr . bennet , as soon as they were out of the house , as ever i saw . he simpers , and smirks , and makes love to us all . i am prodigiously proud of him . i defy even sir william lucas himself to produce a more valuable son in . the loss of her daughter made mrs . bennet very dull for several days . i often think , said she , that there is nothing so bad as parting with ones friends . one seems so forlorn without them . this is the consequence , you see , madam , of marrying a daughter , said elizabeth . it must make you better satisfied that your other four are single . it is no such thing . lydia does not leave me because she is married , but only because her husbands regiment happens to be so far off . if that had been nearer , she would not have gone so soon . but the spiritless condition which this event threw her into was shortly relieved , and her mind opened again to the agitation of hope , by an article of news which then began to be in circulation . the housekeeper at netherfield had received orders to prepare for the arrival of her master , who was coming down in a day or two , to shoot there for several weeks . mrs . bennet was quite in the fidgets . she looked at jane , and smiled and shook her head by turns . well , and so mr . bingley is coming down , sister , for mrs . phillips first brought her the news . well , so much the better . not that i care about it , though . he is nothing to us , you know , and i am sure i never want to see him again . but , however , he is very welcome to come to netherfield , if he likes it . and who knows what may happen . but that is nothing to us . you know , sister , we agreed long ago never to mention a word about it . and so , is it quite certain he is coming . you may depend on it , replied the other , for mrs . nicholls was in meryton last night i saw her passing by , and went out myself on purpose to know the truth of it and she told me that it was certain true . he comes down on thursday at the latest , very likely on wednesday . she was going to the butchers , she told me , on purpose to order in some meat on wednesday , and she has got three couple of ducks just fit to be killed . miss bennet had not been able to hear of his coming without changing colour . it was many months since she had mentioned his name to elizabeth but now , as soon as they were alone together , she said i saw you look at me to day, , lizzy , when my aunt told us of the present report and i know i appeared distressed . but dont imagine it was from any silly cause . i was only confused for the moment , because i felt that i should be looked at . i do assure you that the news does not affect me either with pleasure or pain . i am glad of one thing , that he comes alone because we shall see the less of him . not that i am afraid of myself , but i dread other peoples remarks . elizabeth did not know what to make of it . had she not seen him in derbyshire , she might have supposed him capable of coming there with no other view than what was acknowledged but she still thought him partial to jane , and she wavered as to the greater probability of his coming there with his friends permission , or being bold enough to come without it . yet it is hard , she sometimes thought , that this poor man cannot come to a house which he has legally hired , without raising all this speculation . i will leave him to himself . in spite of what her sister declared , and really believed to be her feelings in the expectation of his arrival , elizabeth could easily perceive that her spirits were affected by it . they were more disturbed , more unequal , than she had often seen them . the subject which had been so warmly canvassed between their parents , about a twelvemonth ago , was now brought forward again . as soon as ever mr . bingley comes , my dear , said mrs . bennet , you will wait on him of course . no , . you forced me into visiting him last year , and promised , if i went to see him , he should marry one of my daughters . but it ended in nothing , and i will not be sent on a fools errand again . his wife represented to him how absolutely necessary such an attention would be from all the neighbouring gentlemen , on his returning to netherfield . tis an etiquette i despise , said he . if he wants our society , let him seek it . he knows where we live . i will not spend my hours in running after my neighbours every time they go away and come back again . well , all i know is , that it will be abominably rude if you do not wait on him . but , however , that shant prevent my asking him to dine here , i am determined . we must have mrs . long and the gouldings soon . that will make thirteen with ourselves , so there will be just room at table for him . consoled by this resolution , she was the better able to bear her husbands incivility though it was very mortifying to know that her neighbours might all see mr . bingley , in consequence of it , before they did . as the day of his arrival drew near  , i begin to be sorry that he comes at all , said jane to her sister . it would be nothing i could see him with perfect indifference , but i can hardly bear to hear it thus perpetually talked of . my mother means well but she does not know , no one can know , how much i suffer from what she says . happy shall i be , when his stay at netherfield is over . i wish i could say anything to comfort you , replied elizabeth but it is wholly out of my power . you must feel it and the usual satisfaction of preaching patience to a sufferer is denied me , because you have always so much . mr . bingley arrived . mrs . bennet , through the assistance of servants , contrived to have the earliest tidings of it , that the period of anxiety and fretfulness on her side might be as long as it could . she counted the days that must intervene before their invitation could be sent hopeless of seeing him before . but on the third morning after his arrival in hertfordshire , she saw him , from her dressing room window , enter the paddock and ride towards the house . her daughters were eagerly called to partake of her joy . jane resolutely kept her place at the table but elizabeth , to satisfy her mother , went to the window  looked  , saw mr . darcy with him , and sat down again by her sister . there is a gentleman with him , mamma , said kitty who can it be . some acquaintance or other , my dear , i suppose i am sure i do not know . la . replied kitty , it looks just like that man that used to be with him before . mr . whats his . that tall , proud man . good gracious . mr . darcy . so it does , i vow . well , any friend of mr . bingleys will always be welcome here , to be sure but else i must say that i hate the very sight of him . jane looked at elizabeth with surprise and concern . she knew but little of their meeting in derbyshire , and therefore felt for the awkwardness which must attend her sister , in seeing him almost for the first time after receiving his explanatory letter . both sisters were uncomfortable enough . each felt for the other , and of course for themselves and their mother talked on , of her dislike of mr . darcy , and her resolution to be civil to him only as mr . bingleys friend , without being heard by either of them . but elizabeth had sources of uneasiness which could not be suspected by jane , to whom she had never yet had courage to shew mrs . gardiners letter , or to relate her own change of sentiment towards him . to jane , he could be only a man whose proposals she had refused , and whose merit she had undervalued but to her own more extensive information , he was the person to whom the whole family were indebted for the first of benefits , and whom she regarded herself with an interest , if not quite so tender , at least as reasonable and just as what jane felt for bingley . her astonishment at his coming  his coming to netherfield , to longbourn , and voluntarily seeking her again , was almost equal to what she had known on first witnessing his altered behaviour in derbyshire . the colour which had been driven from her face , returned for half a minute with an additional glow , and a smile of delight added lustre to her eyes , as she thought for that space of time that his affection and wishes must still be unshaken . but she would not be secure . let me first see how he behaves , said she it will then be early enough for expectation . she sat intently at work , striving to be composed , and without daring to lift up her eyes , till anxious curiosity carried them to the face of her sister as the servant was approaching the door . jane looked a little paler than usual , but more sedate than elizabeth had expected . on the gentlemens appearing , her colour increased yet she received them with tolerable ease , and with a propriety of behaviour equally free from any symptom of resentment or any unnecessary complaisance . elizabeth said as little to either as civility would allow , and sat down again to her work , with an eagerness which it did not often command . she had ventured only one glance at darcy . he looked serious , as usual and , she thought , more as he had been used to look in hertfordshire , than as she had seen him at pemberley . but , perhaps he could not in her mothers presence be what he was before her uncle and aunt . it was a painful , but not an improbable , conjecture . bingley , she had likewise seen for an instant , and in that short period saw him looking both pleased and embarrassed . he was received by mrs . bennet with a degree of civility which made her two daughters ashamed , especially when contrasted with the cold and ceremonious politeness of her curtsey and address to his friend . elizabeth , particularly , who knew that her mother owed to the latter the preservation of her favourite daughter from irremediable infamy , was hurt and distressed to a most painful degree by a distinction so ill applied . darcy , after inquiring of her how mr . and mrs . gardiner did , a question which she could not answer without confusion , said scarcely anything . he was not seated by her perhaps that was the reason of his silence but it had not been so in derbyshire . there he had talked to her friends , when he could not to herself . but now several minutes elapsed without bringing the sound of his voice and when occasionally , unable to resist the impulse of curiosity , she raised her eyes to his face , she as often found him looking at jane as at herself , and frequently on no object but the ground . more thoughtfulness and less anxiety to please , than when they last met , were plainly expressed . she was disappointed , and angry with herself for being so . could i expect it to be otherwise . said she . yet why did he come . she was in no humour for conversation with anyone but himself and to him she had hardly courage to speak . she inquired after his sister , but could do no more . it is a long time , mr . bingley , since you went away , said mrs . bennet . he readily agreed to it . i began to be afraid you would never come back again . people did say you meant to quit the place entirely at michaelmas but , however , i hope it is not true . a great many changes have happened in the neighbourhood , since you went away . miss lucas is married and settled . and one of my own daughters . i suppose you have heard of it indeed , you must have seen it in the papers . it was in the times and the courier , i know though it was not put in as it ought to be . it was only said , lately , george wickham , esq . to miss lydia bennet , without there being a syllable said of her father , or the place where she lived , or anything . it was my brother gardiners drawing up too , and i wonder how he came to make such an awkward business of it . did you see it . bingley replied that he did , and made his congratulations . elizabeth dared not lift up her eyes . how mr . darcy looked , therefore , she could not tell . it is a delightful thing , to be sure , to have a daughter well married , continued her mother , but at the same time , mr . bingley , it is very hard to have her taken such a way from me . they are gone down to newcastle , a place quite northward , it seems , and there they are to stay i do not know how long . his regiment is there for i suppose you have heard of his leaving the and of his being gone into the regulars . thank heaven . he has some friends , though perhaps not so many as he deserves . elizabeth , who knew this to be levelled at mr . darcy , was in such misery of shame , that she could hardly keep her seat . it drew from her , however , the exertion of speaking , which nothing else had so effectually done before and she asked bingley whether he meant to make any stay in the country at present . a few weeks , he believed . when you have killed all your own birds , mr . bingley , said her mother , i beg you will come here , and shoot as many as you please on mr . bennets manor . i am sure he will be vastly happy to oblige you , and will save all the best of the covies for you . elizabeths misery increased , at such unnecessary , such officious attention . were the same fair prospect to arise at present as had flattered them a year ago , every thing , she was persuaded , would be hastening to the same vexatious conclusion . at that instant , she felt that years of happiness could not make jane or herself amends for moments of such painful confusion . the first wish of my heart , said she to herself , is never more to be in company with either of them . their society can afford no pleasure that will atone for such wretchedness as this . let me never see either one or the other again . yet the misery , for which years of happiness were to offer no compensation , received soon afterwards material relief , from observing how much the beauty of her sister re kindled the admiration of her former lover . when first he came in , he had spoken to her but little but every five minutes seemed to be giving her more of his attention . he found her as handsome as she had been last year as good natured , and as unaffected , though not quite so chatty . jane was anxious that no difference should be perceived in her at all , and was really persuaded that she talked as much as ever . but her mind was so busily engaged , that she did not always know when she was silent . when the gentlemen rose to go away , mrs . bennet was mindful of her intended civility , and they were invited and engaged to dine at longbourn in a few days time . you are quite a visit in my debt , mr . bingley , she added , for when you went to town last winter , you promised to take a family dinner with us , as soon as you returned . i have not forgot , you see and i assure you , i was very much disappointed that you did not come back and keep your engagement . bingley looked a little silly at this reflection , and said something of his concern at having been prevented by business . they then went away . mrs . bennet had been strongly inclined to ask them to stay and dine there that day but , though she always kept a very good table , she did not think anything less than two courses could be good enough for a man on whom she had such anxious designs , or satisfy the appetite and pride of one who had ten thousand a year . chapter as soon as they were gone , elizabeth walked out to recover her spirits or in other words , to dwell without interruption on those subjects that must deaden them more . mr . darcys behaviour astonished and vexed her . why , if he came only to be silent , grave , and indifferent , said she , did he come at all . she could settle it in no way that gave her pleasure . he could be still amiable , still pleasing , to my uncle and aunt , when he was in town and why not to me . if he fears me , why come hither . if he no longer cares for me , why silent . teasing , man . i will think no more about him . her resolution was for a short time involuntarily kept by the approach of her sister , who joined her with a cheerful look , which showed her better satisfied with their visitors , than elizabeth . now , said she , that this first meeting is over , i feel perfectly easy . i know my own strength , and i shall never be embarrassed again by his coming . i am glad he dines here on tuesday . it will then be publicly seen that , on both sides , we meet only as common and indifferent acquaintance . yes , very indifferent indeed , said elizabeth , laughingly . oh , jane , take care . my dear lizzy , you cannot think me so weak , as to be in danger now . i think you are in very great danger of making him as much in love with you as ever . they did not see the gentlemen again till tuesday and mrs . bennet , in the meanwhile , was giving way to all the happy schemes , which the good humour and common politeness of bingley , in half an hours visit , had revived . on tuesday there was a large party assembled at longbourn and the two who were most anxiously expected , to the credit of their punctuality as sportsmen , were in very good time . when they repaired to the dining room, , elizabeth eagerly watched to see whether bingley would take the place , which , in all their former parties , had belonged to him , by her sister . her prudent mother , occupied by the same ideas , forbore to invite him to sit by herself . on entering the room , he seemed to hesitate but jane happened to look round , and happened to smile it was decided . he placed himself by her . elizabeth , with a triumphant sensation , looked towards his friend . he bore it with noble indifference , and she would have imagined that bingley had received his sanction to be happy , had she not seen his eyes likewise turned towards mr . darcy , with an expression of half laughing alarm . his behaviour to her sister was such , during dinner time , as showed an admiration of her , which , though more guarded than formerly , persuaded elizabeth , that if left wholly to himself , janes happiness , and his own , would be speedily secured . though she dared not depend upon the consequence , she yet received pleasure from observing his behaviour . it gave her all the animation that her spirits could boast for she was in no cheerful humour . mr . darcy was almost as far from her as the table could divide them . he was on one side of her mother . she knew how little such a situation would give pleasure to either , or make either appear to advantage . she was not near enough to hear any of their discourse , but she could see how seldom they spoke to each other , and how formal and cold was their manner whenever they did . her mothers ungraciousness , made the sense of what they owed him more painful to elizabeths mind and she would , at times , have given anything to be privileged to tell him that his kindness was neither unknown nor unfelt by the whole of the family . she was in hopes that the evening would afford some opportunity of bringing them together that the whole of the visit would not pass away without enabling them to enter into something more of conversation than the mere ceremonious salutation attending his entrance . anxious and uneasy , the period which passed in the drawing room, , before the gentlemen came , was wearisome and dull to a degree that almost made her uncivil . she looked forward to their entrance as the point on which all her chance of pleasure for the evening must depend . if he does not come to me , then , said she , i shall give him up for ever . the gentlemen came and she thought he looked as if he would have answered her hopes but , alas . the ladies had crowded round the table , where miss bennet was making tea , and elizabeth pouring out the coffee , in so close a confederacy that there was not a single vacancy near her which would admit of a chair . and on the gentlemens approaching , one of the girls moved closer to her than ever , and said , in a whisper the men shant come and part us , i am determined . we want none of them do we . darcy had walked away to another part of the room . she followed him with her eyes , envied everyone to whom he spoke , had scarcely patience enough to help anybody to coffee and then was enraged against herself for being so silly . a man who has once been refused . how could i ever be foolish enough to expect a renewal of his love . is there one among the sex , who would not protest against such a weakness as a second proposal to the same woman . there is no indignity so abhorrent to their feelings . she was a little revived , however , by his bringing back his coffee cup himself and she seized the opportunity of saying is your sister at pemberley still . yes , she will remain there till christmas . and quite alone . have all her friends left her . mrs . annesley is with her . the others have been gone on to scarborough , these three weeks . she could think of nothing more to say but if he wished to converse with her , he might have better success . he stood by her , however , for some minutes , in silence and , at last , on the young ladys whispering to elizabeth again , he walked away . when the tea things were removed , and the card tables placed , the ladies all rose , and elizabeth was then hoping to be soon joined by him , when all her views were overthrown by seeing him fall a victim to her mothers rapacity for whist players , and in a few moments after seated with the rest of the party . she now lost every expectation of pleasure . they were confined for the evening at different tables , and she had nothing to hope , but that his eyes were so often turned towards her side of the room , as to make him play as unsuccessfully as herself . mrs . bennet had designed to keep the two netherfield gentlemen to supper but their carriage was unluckily ordered before any of the others , and she had no opportunity of detaining them . well girls , said she , as soon as they were left to themselves , what say you to the day . i think every thing has passed off uncommonly well , i assure you . the dinner was as well dressed as any i ever saw . the venison was roasted to a turn  everybody said they never saw so fat a haunch . the soup was fifty times better than what we had at the lucases last week and even mr . darcy acknowledged , that the partridges were remarkably well done and i suppose he has two or three french cooks at least . and , my dear jane , i never saw you look in greater beauty . mrs . long said so too , for i asked her whether you did not . and what do you think she said besides . ah . mrs . bennet , we shall have her at netherfield at last . she did indeed . i do think mrs . long is as good a creature as ever lived  her nieces are very pretty behaved girls , and not at all handsome i like them prodigiously . mrs . bennet , in short , was in very great spirits she had seen enough of bingleys behaviour to jane , to be convinced that she would get him at last and her expectations of advantage to her family , when in a happy humour , were so far beyond reason , that she was quite disappointed at not seeing him there again the next day , to make his proposals . it has been a very agreeable day , said miss bennet to elizabeth . the party seemed so well selected , so suitable one with the other . i hope we may often meet again . elizabeth smiled . lizzy , you must not do so . you must not suspect me . it mortifies me . i assure you that i have now learnt to enjoy his conversation as an agreeable and sensible young man , without having a wish beyond it . i am perfectly satisfied , from what his manners now are , that he never had any design of engaging my affection . it is only that he is blessed with greater sweetness of address , and a stronger desire of generally pleasing , than any other man . you are very cruel , said her sister , you will not let me smile , and are provoking me to it every moment . how hard it is in some cases to be believed . and how impossible in others . but why should you wish to persuade me that i feel more than i acknowledge . that is a question which i hardly know how to answer . we all love to instruct , though we can teach only what is not worth knowing . forgive me and if you persist in indifference , do not make me your confidante . chapter a few days after this visit , mr . bingley called again , and alone . his friend had left him that morning for london , but was to return home in ten days time . he sat with them above an hour , and was in remarkably good spirits . mrs . bennet invited him to dine with them but , with many expressions of concern , he confessed himself engaged elsewhere . next time you call , said she , i hope we shall be more lucky . he should be particularly happy at any time , etc . etc . and if she would give him leave , would take an early opportunity of waiting on them . can you come to morrow . yes , he had no engagement at all for to morrow and her invitation was accepted with alacrity . he came , and in such very good time that the ladies were none of them dressed . in ran mrs . bennet to her daughters room , in her dressing gown , and with her hair half finished , crying out my dear jane , make haste and hurry down . he is come  . bingley is come . he is , indeed . make haste , make haste . here , sarah , come to miss bennet this moment , and help her on with her gown . never mind miss lizzys hair . we will be down as soon as we can , said jane but i dare say kitty is forwarder than either of us , for she went up stairs half an hour ago . oh . hang kitty . what has she to do with it . come be quick , be quick . where is your sash , my dear . but when her mother was gone , jane would not be prevailed on to go down without one of her sisters . the same anxiety to get them by themselves was visible again in the evening . after tea , mr . bennet retired to the library , as was his custom , and mary went up stairs to her instrument . two obstacles of the five being thus removed , mrs . bennet sat looking and winking at elizabeth and catherine for a considerable time , without making any impression on them . elizabeth would not observe her and when at last kitty did , she very innocently said , what is the matter mamma . what do you keep winking at me for . what am i to do . nothing child , nothing . i did not wink at you . she then sat still five minutes longer but unable to waste such a precious occasion , she suddenly got up , and saying to kitty , come here , my love , i want to speak to you , took her out of the room . jane instantly gave a look at elizabeth which spoke her distress at such premeditation , and her entreaty that she would not give in to it . in a few minutes , mrs . bennet half opened the door and called out lizzy , my dear , i want to speak with you . elizabeth was forced to go . we may as well leave them by themselves you know said her mother , as soon as she was in the hall . kitty and i are going up stairs to sit in my dressing room . elizabeth made no attempt to reason with her mother , but remained quietly in the hall , till she and kitty were out of sight , then returned into the drawing room . mrs . bennets schemes for this day were ineffectual . bingley was every thing that was charming , except the professed lover of her daughter . his ease and cheerfulness rendered him a most agreeable addition to their evening party and he bore with the ill judged officiousness of the mother , and heard all her silly remarks with a forbearance and command of countenance particularly grateful to the daughter . he scarcely needed an invitation to stay supper and before he went away , an engagement was formed , chiefly through his own and mrs . bennets means , for his coming next morning to shoot with her husband . after this day , jane said no more of her indifference . not a word passed between the sisters concerning bingley but elizabeth went to bed in the happy belief that all must speedily be concluded , unless mr . darcy returned within the stated time . seriously , however , she felt tolerably persuaded that all this must have taken place with that gentlemans concurrence . bingley was punctual to his appointment and he and mr . bennet spent the morning together , as had been agreed on . the latter was much more agreeable than his companion expected . there was nothing of presumption or folly in bingley that could provoke his ridicule , or disgust him into silence and he was more communicative , and less eccentric , than the other had ever seen him . bingley of course returned with him to dinner and in the evening mrs . bennets invention was again at work to get every body away from him and her daughter . elizabeth , who had a letter to write , went into the breakfast room for that purpose soon after tea for as the others were all going to sit down to cards , she could not be wanted to counteract her mothers schemes . but on returning to the drawing room, , when her letter was finished , she saw , to her infinite surprise , there was reason to fear that her mother had been too ingenious for her . on opening the door , she perceived her sister and bingley standing together over the hearth , as if engaged in earnest conversation and had this led to no suspicion , the faces of both , as they hastily turned round and moved away from each other , would have told it all . their situation was awkward enough but hers she thought was still worse . not a syllable was uttered by either and elizabeth was on the point of going away again , when bingley , who as well as the other had sat down , suddenly rose , and whispering a few words to her sister , ran out of the room . jane could have no reserves from elizabeth , where confidence would give pleasure and instantly embracing her , acknowledged , with the liveliest emotion , that she was the happiest creature in the world . tis too much . she added , by far too much . i do not deserve it . oh . why is not everybody as happy . elizabeths congratulations were given with a sincerity , a warmth , a delight , which words could but poorly express . every sentence of kindness was a fresh source of happiness to jane . but she would not allow herself to stay with her sister , or say half that remained to be said for the present . i must go instantly to my mother she cried . i would not on any account trifle with her affectionate solicitude or allow her to hear it from anyone but myself . he is gone to my father already . oh . lizzy , to know that what i have to relate will give such pleasure to all my dear family . how shall i bear so much happiness . she then hastened away to her mother , who had purposely broken up the card party , and was sitting up stairs with kitty . elizabeth , who was left by herself , now smiled at the rapidity and ease with which an affair was finally settled , that had given them so many previous months of suspense and vexation . and this , said she , is the end of all his friends anxious circumspection . of all his sisters falsehood and contrivance . the happiest , wisest , most reasonable end . in a few minutes she was joined by bingley , whose conference with her father had been short and to the purpose . where is your sister . said he hastily , as he opened the door . with my mother up stairs . she will be down in a moment , i dare say . he then shut the door , and , coming up to her , claimed the good wishes and affection of a sister . elizabeth honestly and heartily expressed her delight in the prospect of their relationship . they shook hands with great cordiality and then , till her sister came down , she had to listen to all he had to say of his own happiness , and of janes perfections and in spite of his being a lover , elizabeth really believed all his expectations of felicity to be rationally founded , because they had for basis the excellent understanding , and super excellent disposition of jane , and a general similarity of feeling and taste between her and himself . it was an evening of no common delight to them all the satisfaction of miss bennets mind gave a glow of such sweet animation to her face , as made her look handsomer than ever . kitty simpered and smiled , and hoped her turn was coming soon . mrs . bennet could not give her consent or speak her approbation in terms warm enough to satisfy her feelings , though she talked to bingley of nothing else for half an hour and when mr . bennet joined them at supper , his voice and manner plainly showed how really happy he was . not a word , however , passed his lips in allusion to it , till their visitor took his leave for the night but as soon as he was gone , he turned to his daughter , and said jane , i congratulate you . you will be a very happy woman . jane went to him instantly , kissed him , and thanked him for his goodness . you are a good girl he replied , and i have great pleasure in thinking you will be so happily settled . i have not a doubt of your doing very well together . your tempers are by no means unlike . you are each of you so complying , that nothing will ever be resolved on so easy , that every servant will cheat you and so generous , that you will always exceed your income . i hope not so . imprudence or thoughtlessness in money matters would be unpardonable in me . exceed their income . my dear mr . bennet , cried his wife , what are you talking of . why , he has four or five thousand a year , and very likely more . then addressing her daughter , oh . my dear , jane , i am so happy . i am sure i shant get a wink of sleep all night . i knew how it would be . i always said it must be so , at last . i was sure you could not be so beautiful for nothing . i remember , as soon as ever i saw him , when he first came into hertfordshire last year , i thought how likely it was that you should come together . oh . he is the handsomest young man that ever was seen . wickham , lydia , were all forgotten . jane was beyond competition her favourite child . at that moment , she cared for no other . her younger sisters soon began to make interest with her for objects of happiness which she might in future be able to dispense . mary petitioned for the use of the library at netherfield and kitty begged very hard for a few balls there every winter . bingley , from this time , was of course a daily visitor at longbourn coming frequently before breakfast , and always remaining till after supper unless when some barbarous neighbour , who could not be enough detested , had given him an invitation to dinner which he thought himself obliged to accept . elizabeth had now but little time for conversation with her sister for while he was present , jane had no attention to bestow on anyone else but she found herself considerably useful to both of them in those hours of separation that must sometimes occur . in the absence of jane , he always attached himself to elizabeth , for the pleasure of talking of her and when bingley was gone , jane constantly sought the same means of relief . he has made me so happy , said she , one evening , by telling me that he was totally ignorant of my being in town last spring . i had not believed it possible . i suspected as much , replied elizabeth . but how did he account for it . it must have been his sisters doing . they were certainly no friends to his acquaintance with me , which i cannot wonder at , since he might have chosen so much more advantageously in many respects . but when they see , as i trust they will , that their brother is happy with me , they will learn to be contented , and we shall be on good terms again though we can never be what we once were to each other . that is the most unforgiving speech , said elizabeth , that i ever heard you utter . good girl . it would vex me , indeed , to see you again the dupe of miss bingleys pretended regard . would you believe it , lizzy , that when he went to town last november , he really loved me , and nothing but a persuasion of my being indifferent would have prevented his coming down again . he made a little mistake to be sure but it is to the credit of his modesty . this naturally introduced a panegyric from jane on his diffidence , and the little value he put on his own good qualities . elizabeth was pleased to find that he had not betrayed the interference of his friend for , though jane had the most generous and forgiving heart in the world , she knew it was a circumstance which must prejudice her against him . i am certainly the most fortunate creature that ever existed . cried jane . oh . lizzy , why am i thus singled from my family , and blessed above them all . if i could but see you as happy . if there were but such another man for you . if you were to give me forty such men , i never could be so happy as you . till i have your disposition , your goodness , i never can have your happiness . no , let me shift for myself and , perhaps , if i have very good luck , i may meet with another mr . collins in time . the situation of affairs in the longbourn family could not be long a secret . mrs . bennet was privileged to whisper it to mrs . phillips , and she ventured , without any permission , to do the same by all her neighbours in meryton . the bennets were speedily pronounced to be the luckiest family in the world , though only a few weeks before , when lydia had first run away , they had been generally proved to be marked out for misfortune . chapter one morning , about a week after bingleys engagement with jane had been formed , as he and the females of the family were sitting together in the dining room, , their attention was suddenly drawn to the window , by the sound of a carriage and they perceived a chaise and four driving up the lawn . it was too early in the morning for visitors , and besides , the equipage did not answer to that of any of their neighbours . the horses were post and neither the carriage , nor the livery of the servant who preceded it , were familiar to them . as it was certain , however , that somebody was coming , bingley instantly prevailed on miss bennet to avoid the confinement of such an intrusion , and walk away with him into the shrubbery . they both set off , and the conjectures of the remaining three continued , though with little satisfaction , till the door was thrown open and their visitor entered . it was lady catherine de bourgh . they were of course all intending to be surprised but their astonishment was beyond their expectation and on the part of mrs . bennet and kitty , though she was perfectly unknown to them , even inferior to what elizabeth felt . she entered the room with an air more than usually ungracious , made no other reply to elizabeths salutation than a slight inclination of the head , and sat down without saying a word . elizabeth had mentioned her name to her mother on her ladyships entrance , though no request of introduction had been made . mrs . bennet , all amazement , though flattered by having a guest of such high importance , received her with the utmost politeness . after sitting for a moment in silence , she said very stiffly to elizabeth , i hope you are well , miss bennet . that lady , i suppose , is your mother . elizabeth replied very concisely that she was . and that i suppose is one of your sisters . yes , madam , said mrs . bennet , delighted to speak to lady catherine . she is my youngest girl but one . my youngest of all is lately married , and my eldest is somewhere about the grounds , walking with a young man who , i believe , will soon become a part of the family . you have a very small park here , returned lady catherine after a short silence . it is nothing in comparison of rosings , my lady , i dare say but i assure you it is much larger than sir william lucass . this must be a most inconvenient sitting room for the evening , in summer the windows are full west . mrs . bennet assured her that they never sat there after dinner , and then added may i take the liberty of asking your ladyship whether you left mr . and mrs . collins well . yes , very well . i saw them the night before last . elizabeth now expected that she would produce a letter for her from charlotte , as it seemed the only probable motive for her calling . but no letter appeared , and she was completely puzzled . mrs . bennet , with great civility , begged her ladyship to take some refreshment but lady catherine very resolutely , and not very politely , declined eating anything and then , rising up , said to elizabeth , miss bennet , there seemed to be a prettyish kind of a little wilderness on one side of your lawn . i should be glad to take a turn in it , if you will favour me with your company . go , my dear , cried her mother , and show her ladyship about the different walks . i think she will be pleased with the hermitage . elizabeth obeyed , and running into her own room for her parasol , attended her noble guest downstairs . as they passed through the hall , lady catherine opened the doors into the dining parlour and drawing room, , and pronouncing them , after a short survey , to be decent looking rooms , walked on . her carriage remained at the door , and elizabeth saw that her waiting woman was in it . they proceeded in silence along the gravel walk that led to the copse elizabeth was determined to make no effort for conversation with a woman who was now more than usually insolent and disagreeable . how could i ever think her like her nephew . said she , as she looked in her face . as soon as they entered the copse , lady catherine began in the following manner  you can be at no loss , miss bennet , to understand the reason of my journey hither . your own heart , your own conscience , must tell you why i come . elizabeth looked with unaffected astonishment . indeed , you are mistaken , madam . i have not been at all able to account for the honour of seeing you here . miss bennet , replied her ladyship , in an angry tone , you ought to know , that i am not to be trifled with . but however insincere you may choose to be , you shall not find me so . my character has ever been celebrated for its sincerity and frankness , and in a cause of such moment as this , i shall certainly not depart from it . a report of a most alarming nature reached me two days ago . i was told that not only your sister was on the point of being most advantageously married , but that you , that miss elizabeth bennet , would , in all likelihood , be soon afterwards united to my nephew , my own nephew , mr . darcy . though i know it must be a scandalous falsehood , though i would not injure him so much as to suppose the truth of it possible , i instantly resolved on setting off for this place , that i might make my sentiments known to you . if you believed it impossible to be true , said elizabeth , colouring with astonishment and disdain , i wonder you took the trouble of coming so far . what could your ladyship propose by it . at once to insist upon having such a report universally contradicted . your coming to longbourn , to see me and my family , said elizabeth coolly , will be rather a confirmation of it if , indeed , such a report is in existence . if . do you then pretend to be ignorant of it . has it not been industriously circulated by yourselves . do you not know that such a report is spread abroad . i never heard that it was . and can you likewise declare , that there is no foundation for it . i do not pretend to possess equal frankness with your ladyship . you may ask questions which i shall not choose to answer . this is not to be borne . miss bennet , i insist on being satisfied . has he , has my nephew , made you an offer of marriage . your ladyship has declared it to be impossible . it ought to be so it must be so , while he retains the use of his reason . but your arts and allurements may , in a moment of infatuation , have made him forget what he owes to himself and to all his family . you may have drawn him in . if i have , i shall be the last person to confess it . miss bennet , do you know who i am . i have not been accustomed to such language as this . i am almost the nearest relation he has in the world , and am entitled to know all his dearest concerns . but you are not entitled to know mine nor will such behaviour as this , ever induce me to be explicit . let me be rightly understood . this match , to which you have the presumption to aspire , can never take place . no , never . mr . darcy is engaged to my daughter . now what have you to say . only this that if he is so , you can have no reason to suppose he will make an offer to me . lady catherine hesitated for a moment , and then replied the engagement between them is of a peculiar kind . from their infancy , they have been intended for each other . it was the favourite wish of his mother , as well as of hers . while in their cradles , we planned the union and now , at the moment when the wishes of both sisters would be accomplished in their marriage , to be prevented by a young woman of inferior birth , of no importance in the world , and wholly unallied to the family . do you pay no regard to the wishes of his friends . to his tacit engagement with miss de bourgh . are you lost to every feeling of propriety and delicacy . have you not heard me say that from his earliest hours he was destined for his cousin . yes , and i had heard it before . but what is that to me . if there is no other objection to my marrying your nephew , i shall certainly not be kept from it by knowing that his mother and aunt wished him to marry miss de bourgh . you both did as much as you could in planning the marriage . its completion depended on others . if mr . darcy is neither by honour nor inclination confined to his cousin , why is not he to make another choice . and if i am that choice , why may not i accept him . because honour , decorum , prudence , nay , interest , forbid it . yes , miss bennet , interest for do not expect to be noticed by his family or friends , if you wilfully act against the inclinations of all . you will be censured , slighted , and despised , by everyone connected with him . your alliance will be a disgrace your name will never even be mentioned by any of us . these are heavy misfortunes , replied elizabeth . but the wife of mr . darcy must have such extraordinary sources of happiness necessarily attached to her situation , that she could , upon the whole , have no cause to repine . obstinate , headstrong girl . i am ashamed of you . is this your gratitude for my attentions to you last spring . is nothing due to me on that score . let us sit down . you are to understand , miss bennet , that i came here with the determined resolution of carrying my purpose nor will i be dissuaded from it . i have not been used to submit to any persons whims . i have not been in the habit of brooking disappointment . that will make your ladyships situation at present more pitiable but it will have no effect on me . i will not be interrupted . hear me in silence . my daughter and my nephew are formed for each other . they are descended , on the maternal side , from the same noble line and , on the fathers , from respectable , honourable , and ancient  untitled  . their fortune on both sides is splendid . they are destined for each other by the voice of every member of their respective houses and what is to divide them . the upstart pretensions of a young woman without family , connections , or fortune . is this to be endured . but it must not , shall not be . if you were sensible of your own good , you would not wish to quit the sphere in which you have been brought up . in marrying your nephew , i should not consider myself as quitting that sphere . he is a gentleman i am a gentlemans daughter so far we are equal . true . you are a gentlemans daughter . but who was your mother . who are your uncles and aunts . do not imagine me ignorant of their condition . whatever my connections may be , said elizabeth , if your nephew does not object to them , they can be nothing to you . tell me once for all , are you engaged to him . though elizabeth would not , for the mere purpose of obliging lady catherine , have answered this question , she could not but say , after a moments deliberation i am not . lady catherine seemed pleased . and will you promise me , never to enter into such an engagement . i will make no promise of the kind . miss bennet i am shocked and astonished . i expected to find a more reasonable young woman . but do not deceive yourself into a belief that i will ever recede . i shall not go away till you have given me the assurance i require . and i certainly never shall give it . i am not to be intimidated into anything so wholly unreasonable . your ladyship wants mr . darcy to marry your daughter but would my giving you the wished for promise make their marriage at all more probable . supposing him to be attached to me , would my refusing to accept his hand make him wish to bestow it on his cousin . allow me to say , lady catherine , that the arguments with which you have supported this extraordinary application have been as frivolous as the application was ill judged . you have widely mistaken my character , if you think i can be worked on by such persuasions as these . how far your nephew might approve of your interference in his affairs , i cannot tell but you have certainly no right to concern yourself in mine . i must beg , therefore , to be importuned no farther on the subject . not so hasty , if you please . i have by no means done . to all the objections i have already urged , i have still another to add . i am no stranger to the particulars of your youngest sisters infamous elopement . i know it all that the young mans marrying her was a patched up business , at the expence of your father and uncles . and is such a girl to be my nephews sister . is her husband , is the son of his late fathers steward , to be his brother . heaven and earth . what are you thinking . are the shades of pemberley to be thus polluted . you can now have nothing further to say , she resentfully answered . you have insulted me in every possible method . i must beg to return to the house . and she rose as she spoke . lady catherine rose also , and they turned back . her ladyship was highly incensed . you have no regard , then , for the honour and credit of my nephew . unfeeling , selfish girl . do you not consider that a connection with you must disgrace him in the eyes of everybody . lady catherine , i have nothing further to say . you know my sentiments . you are then resolved to have him . i have said no such thing . i am only resolved to act in that manner , which will , in my own opinion , constitute my happiness , without reference to you , or to any person so wholly unconnected with me . it is well . you refuse , then , to oblige me . you refuse to obey the claims of duty , honour , and gratitude . you are determined to ruin him in the opinion of all his friends , and make him the contempt of the world . neither duty , nor honour , nor gratitude , replied elizabeth , have any possible claim on me , in the present instance . no principle of either would be violated by my marriage with mr . darcy . and with regard to the resentment of his family , or the indignation of the world , if the former were excited by his marrying me , it would not give me one moments concern  the world in general would have too much sense to join in the scorn . and this is your real opinion . this is your final resolve . very well . i shall now know how to act . do not imagine , miss bennet , that your ambition will ever be gratified . i came to try you . i hoped to find you reasonable but , depend upon it , i will carry my point . in this manner lady catherine talked on , till they were at the door of the carriage , when , turning hastily round , she added , i take no leave of you , miss bennet . i send no compliments to your mother . you deserve no such attention . i am most seriously displeased . elizabeth made no answer and without attempting to persuade her ladyship to return into the house , walked quietly into it herself . she heard the carriage drive away as she proceeded up stairs . her mother impatiently met her at the door of the dressing room, , to ask why lady catherine would not come in again and rest herself . she did not choose it , said her daughter , she would go . she is a very fine looking woman . and her calling here was prodigiously civil . for she only came , i suppose , to tell us the collinses were well . she is on her road somewhere , i dare say , and so , passing through meryton , thought she might as well call on you . i suppose she had nothing particular to say to you , lizzy . elizabeth was forced to give into a little falsehood here for to acknowledge the substance of their conversation was impossible . chapter the discomposure of spirits which this extraordinary visit threw elizabeth into , could not be easily overcome nor could she , for many hours , learn to think of it less than incessantly . lady catherine , it appeared , had actually taken the trouble of this journey from rosings , for the sole purpose of breaking off her supposed engagement with mr . darcy . it was a rational scheme , to be sure . but from what the report of their engagement could originate , elizabeth was at a loss to imagine till she recollected that his being the intimate friend of bingley , and her being the sister of jane , was enough , at a time when the expectation of one wedding made everybody eager for another , to supply the idea . she had not herself forgotten to feel that the marriage of her sister must bring them more frequently together . and her neighbours at lucas lodge , therefore for through their communication with the collinses , the report , she concluded , had reached lady catherine , had only set that down as almost certain and immediate , which she had looked forward to as possible at some future time . in revolving lady catherines expressions , however , she could not help feeling some uneasiness as to the possible consequence of her persisting in this interference . from what she had said of her resolution to prevent their marriage , it occurred to elizabeth that she must meditate an application to her nephew and how he might take a similar representation of the evils attached to a connection with her , she dared not pronounce . she knew not the exact degree of his affection for his aunt , or his dependence on her judgment , but it was natural to suppose that he thought much higher of her ladyship than she could do and it was certain that , in enumerating the miseries of a marriage with one , whose immediate connections were so unequal to his own , his aunt would address him on his weakest side . with his notions of dignity , he would probably feel that the arguments , which to elizabeth had appeared weak and ridiculous , contained much good sense and solid reasoning . if he had been wavering before as to what he should do , which had often seemed likely , the advice and entreaty of so near a relation might settle every doubt , and determine him at once to be as happy as dignity unblemished could make him . in that case he would return no more . lady catherine might see him in her way through town and his engagement to bingley of coming again to netherfield must give way . if , therefore , an excuse for not keeping his promise should come to his friend within a few days , she added , i shall know how to understand it . i shall then give over every expectation , every wish of his constancy . if he is satisfied with only regretting me , when he might have obtained my affections and hand , i shall soon cease to regret him at all . the surprise of the rest of the family , on hearing who their visitor had been , was very great but they obligingly satisfied it , with the same kind of supposition which had appeased mrs . bennets curiosity and elizabeth was spared from much teasing on the subject . the next morning , as she was going downstairs , she was met by her father , who came out of his library with a letter in his hand . lizzy , said he , i was going to look for you come into my room . she followed him thither and her curiosity to know what he had to tell her was heightened by the supposition of its being in some manner connected with the letter he held . it suddenly struck her that it might be from lady catherine and she anticipated with dismay all the consequent explanations . she followed her father to the fire place , and they both sat down . he then said , i have received a letter this morning that has astonished me exceedingly . as it principally concerns yourself , you ought to know its contents . i did not know before , that i had two daughters on the brink of matrimony . let me congratulate you on a very important conquest . the colour now rushed into elizabeths cheeks in the instantaneous conviction of its being a letter from the nephew , instead of the aunt and she was undetermined whether most to be pleased that he explained himself at all , or offended that his letter was not rather addressed to herself when her father continued you look conscious . young ladies have great penetration in such matters as these but i think i may defy even your sagacity , to discover the name of your admirer . this letter is from mr . collins . from mr . collins . and what can he have to say . something very much to the purpose of course . he begins with congratulations on the approaching nuptials of my eldest daughter , of which , it seems , he has been told by some of the good natured, , gossiping lucases . i shall not sport with your impatience , by reading what he says on that point . what relates to yourself , is as follows having thus offered you the sincere congratulations of mrs . collins and myself on this happy event , let me now add a short hint on the subject of another of which we have been advertised by the same authority . your daughter elizabeth , it is presumed , will not long bear the name of bennet , after her elder sister has resigned it , and the chosen partner of her fate may be reasonably looked up to as one of the most illustrious personages in this land . can you possibly guess , lizzy , who is meant by this . this young gentleman is blessed , in a peculiar way , with every thing the heart of mortal can most desire  , property , noble kindred , and extensive patronage . yet in spite of all these temptations , let me warn my cousin elizabeth , and yourself , of what evils you may incur by a precipitate closure with this gentlemans proposals , which , of course , you will be inclined to take immediate advantage of . have you any idea , lizzy , who this gentleman is . but now it comes out my motive for cautioning you is as follows . we have reason to imagine that his aunt , lady catherine de bourgh , does not look on the match with a friendly eye . mr . darcy , you see , is the man . now , lizzy , i think i have surprised you . could he , or the lucases , have pitched on any man within the circle of our acquaintance , whose name would have given the lie more effectually to what they related . mr . darcy , who never looks at any woman but to see a blemish , and who probably never looked at you in his life . it is admirable . elizabeth tried to join in her fathers pleasantry , but could only force one most reluctant smile . never had his wit been directed in a manner so little agreeable to her . are you not diverted . oh . yes . pray read on . after mentioning the likelihood of this marriage to her ladyship last night , she immediately , with her usual condescension , expressed what she felt on the occasion when it became apparent , that on the score of some family objections on the part of my cousin , she would never give her consent to what she termed so disgraceful a match . i thought it my duty to give the speediest intelligence of this to my cousin , that she and her noble admirer may be aware of what they are about , and not run hastily into a marriage which has not been properly sanctioned . mr . collins moreover adds , i am truly rejoiced that my cousin lydias sad business has been so well hushed up , and am only concerned that their living together before the marriage took place should be so generally known . i must not , however , neglect the duties of my station , or refrain from declaring my amazement at hearing that you received the young couple into your house as soon as they were married . it was an encouragement of vice and had i been the rector of longbourn , i should very strenuously have opposed it . you ought certainly to forgive them , as a christian , but never to admit them in your sight , or allow their names to be mentioned in your hearing . that is his notion of christian forgiveness . the rest of his letter is only about his dear charlottes situation , and his expectation of a young olive branch . but , lizzy , you look as if you did not enjoy it . you are not going to be missish , i hope , and pretend to be affronted at an idle report . for what do we live , but to make sport for our neighbours , and laugh at them in our turn . oh . cried elizabeth , i am excessively diverted . but it is so strange . yes  is what makes it amusing . had they fixed on any other man it would have been nothing but his perfect indifference , and your pointed dislike , make it so delightfully absurd . much as i abominate writing , i would not give up mr . collinss correspondence for any consideration . nay , when i read a letter of his , i cannot help giving him the preference even over wickham , much as i value the impudence and hypocrisy of my son in . and pray , lizzy , what said lady catherine about this report . did she call to refuse her consent . to this question his daughter replied only with a laugh and as it had been asked without the least suspicion , she was not distressed by his repeating it . elizabeth had never been more at a loss to make her feelings appear what they were not . it was necessary to laugh , when she would rather have cried . her father had most cruelly mortified her , by what he said of mr . darcys indifference , and she could do nothing but wonder at such a want of penetration , or fear that perhaps , instead of his seeing too little , she might have fancied too much . chapter instead of receiving any such letter of excuse from his friend , as elizabeth half expected mr . bingley to do , he was able to bring darcy with him to longbourn before many days had passed after lady catherines visit . the gentlemen arrived early and , before mrs . bennet had time to tell him of their having seen his aunt , of which her daughter sat in momentary dread , bingley , who wanted to be alone with jane , proposed their all walking out . it was agreed to . mrs . bennet was not in the habit of walking mary could never spare time but the remaining five set off together . bingley and jane , however , soon allowed the others to outstrip them . they lagged behind , while elizabeth , kitty , and darcy were to entertain each other . very little was said by either kitty was too much afraid of him to talk elizabeth was secretly forming a desperate resolution and perhaps he might be doing the same . they walked towards the lucases , because kitty wished to call upon maria and as elizabeth saw no occasion for making it a general concern , when kitty left them she went boldly on with him alone . now was the moment for her resolution to be executed , and , while her courage was high , she immediately said mr . darcy , i am a very selfish creature and , for the sake of giving relief to my own feelings , care not how much i may be wounding yours . i can no longer help thanking you for your unexampled kindness to my poor sister . ever since i have known it , i have been most anxious to acknowledge to you how gratefully i feel it . were it known to the rest of my family , i should not have merely my own gratitude to express . i am sorry , exceedingly sorry , replied darcy , in a tone of surprise and emotion , that you have ever been informed of what may , in a mistaken light , have given you uneasiness . i did not think mrs . gardiner was so little to be trusted . you must not blame my aunt . lydias thoughtlessness first betrayed to me that you had been concerned in the matter and , of course , i could not rest till i knew the particulars . let me thank you again and again , in the name of all my family , for that generous compassion which induced you to take so much trouble , and bear so many mortifications , for the sake of discovering them . if you will thank me , he replied , let it be for yourself alone . that the wish of giving happiness to you might add force to the other inducements which led me on , i shall not attempt to deny . but your family owe me nothing . much as i respect them , i believe i thought only of you . elizabeth was too much embarrassed to say a word . after a short pause , her companion added , you are too generous to trifle with me . if your feelings are still what they were last april , tell me so at once . my affections and wishes are unchanged , but one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever . elizabeth , feeling all the more than common awkwardness and anxiety of his situation , now forced herself to speak and immediately , though not very fluently , gave him to understand that her sentiments had undergone so material a change , since the period to which he alluded , as to make her receive with gratitude and pleasure his present assurances . the happiness which this reply produced , was such as he had probably never felt before and he expressed himself on the occasion as sensibly and as warmly as a man violently in love can be supposed to do . had elizabeth been able to encounter his eye , she might have seen how well the expression of heartfelt delight , diffused over his face , became him but , though she could not look , she could listen , and he told her of feelings , which , in proving of what importance she was to him , made his affection every moment more valuable . they walked on , without knowing in what direction . there was too much to be thought , and felt , and said , for attention to any other objects . she soon learnt that they were indebted for their present good understanding to the efforts of his aunt , who did call on him in her return through london , and there relate her journey to longbourn , its motive , and the substance of her conversation with elizabeth dwelling emphatically on every expression of the latter which , in her ladyships apprehension , peculiarly denoted her perverseness and assurance in the belief that such a relation must assist her endeavours to obtain that promise from her nephew which she had refused to give . but , unluckily for her ladyship , its effect had been exactly contrariwise . it taught me to hope , said he , as i had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before . i knew enough of your disposition to be certain that , had you been absolutely , irrevocably decided against me , you would have acknowledged it to lady catherine , frankly and openly . elizabeth coloured and laughed as she replied , yes , you know enough of my frankness to believe me capable of that . after abusing you so abominably to your face , i could have no scruple in abusing you to all your relations . what did you say of me , that i did not deserve . for , though your accusations were ill founded, , formed on mistaken premises , my behaviour to you at the time had merited the severest reproof . it was unpardonable . i cannot think of it without abhorrence . we will not quarrel for the greater share of blame annexed to that evening , said elizabeth . the conduct of neither , if strictly examined , will be irreproachable but since then , we have both , i hope , improved in civility . i cannot be so easily reconciled to myself . the recollection of what i then said , of my conduct , my manners , my expressions during the whole of it , is now , and has been many months , inexpressibly painful to me . your reproof , so well applied , i shall never forget had you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner . those were your words . you know not , you can scarcely conceive , how they have tortured me  it was some time , i confess , before i was reasonable enough to allow their justice . i was certainly very far from expecting them to make so strong an impression . i had not the smallest idea of their being ever felt in such a way . i can easily believe it . you thought me then devoid of every proper feeling , i am sure you did . the turn of your countenance i shall never forget , as you said that i could not have addressed you in any possible way that would induce you to accept me . oh . do not repeat what i then said . these recollections will not do at all . i assure you that i have long been most heartily ashamed of it . darcy mentioned his letter . did it , said he , did it soon make you think better of me . did you , on reading it , give any credit to its contents . she explained what its effect on her had been , and how gradually all her former prejudices had been removed . i knew , said he , that what i wrote must give you pain , but it was necessary . i hope you have destroyed the letter . there was one part especially , the opening of it , which i should dread your having the power of reading again . i can remember some expressions which might justly make you hate me . the letter shall certainly be burnt , if you believe it essential to the preservation of my regard but , though we have both reason to think my opinions not entirely unalterable , they are not , i hope , quite so easily changed as that implies . when i wrote that letter , replied darcy , i believed myself perfectly calm and cool , but i am since convinced that it was written in a dreadful bitterness of spirit . the letter , perhaps , began in bitterness , but it did not end so . the adieu is charity itself . but think no more of the letter . the feelings of the person who wrote , and the person who received it , are now so widely different from what they were then , that every unpleasant circumstance attending it ought to be forgotten . you must learn some of my philosophy . think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure . i cannot give you credit for any philosophy of the kind . your retrospections must be so totally void of reproach , that the contentment arising from them is not of philosophy , but , what is much better , of innocence . but with me , it is not so . painful recollections will intrude which cannot , which ought not , to be repelled . i have been a selfish being all my life , in practice , though not in principle . as a child i was taught what was right , but i was not taught to correct my temper . i was given good principles , but left to follow them in pride and conceit . unfortunately an only son i was spoilt by my parents , who , though good themselves my father , particularly , all that was benevolent and amiable , allowed , encouraged , almost taught me to be selfish and overbearing to care for none beyond my own family circle to think meanly of all the rest of the world to wish at least to think meanly of their sense and worth compared with my own . such i was , from eight to eight and twenty and such i might still have been but for you , dearest , loveliest elizabeth . what do i not owe you . you taught me a lesson , hard indeed at first , but most advantageous . by you , i was properly humbled . i came to you without a doubt of my reception . you showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased . had you then persuaded yourself that i should . indeed i had . what will you think of my vanity . i believed you to be wishing , expecting my addresses . my manners must have been in fault , but not intentionally , i assure you . i never meant to deceive you , but my spirits might often lead me wrong . how you must have hated me after that evening . hate you . i was angry perhaps at first , but my anger soon began to take a proper direction . i am almost afraid of asking what you thought of me , when we met at pemberley . you blamed me for coming . no indeed i felt nothing but surprise . your surprise could not be greater than mine in being noticed by you . my conscience told me that i deserved no extraordinary politeness , and i confess that i did not expect to receive more than my due . my object then , replied darcy , was to show you , by every civility in my power , that i was not so mean as to resent the past and i hoped to obtain your forgiveness , to lessen your ill opinion , by letting you see that your reproofs had been attended to . how soon any other wishes introduced themselves i can hardly tell , but i believe in about half an hour after i had seen you . he then told her of georgianas delight in her acquaintance , and of her disappointment at its sudden interruption which naturally leading to the cause of that interruption , she soon learnt that his resolution of following her from derbyshire in quest of her sister had been formed before he quitted the inn , and that his gravity and thoughtfulness there had arisen from no other struggles than what such a purpose must comprehend . she expressed her gratitude again , but it was too painful a subject to each , to be dwelt on farther . after walking several miles in a leisurely manner , and too busy to know anything about it , they found at last , on examining their watches , that it was time to be at home . what could become of mr . bingley and jane . was a wonder which introduced the discussion of their affairs . darcy was delighted with their engagement his friend had given him the earliest information of it . i must ask whether you were surprised . said elizabeth . not at all . when i went away , i felt that it would soon happen . that is to say , you had given your permission . i guessed as much . and though he exclaimed at the term , she found that it had been pretty much the case . on the evening before my going to london , said he , i made a confession to him , which i believe i ought to have made long ago . i told him of all that had occurred to make my former interference in his affairs absurd and impertinent . his surprise was great . he had never had the slightest suspicion . i told him , moreover , that i believed myself mistaken in supposing , as i had done , that your sister was indifferent to him and as i could easily perceive that his attachment to her was unabated , i felt no doubt of their happiness together . elizabeth could not help smiling at his easy manner of directing his friend . did you speak from your own observation , said she , when you told him that my sister loved him , or merely from my information last spring . from the former . i had narrowly observed her during the two visits which i had lately made here and i was convinced of her affection . and your assurance of it , i suppose , carried immediate conviction to him . it did . bingley is most unaffectedly modest . his diffidence had prevented his depending on his own judgment in so anxious a case , but his reliance on mine made every thing easy . i was obliged to confess one thing , which for a time , and not unjustly , offended him . i could not allow myself to conceal that your sister had been in town three months last winter , that i had known it , and purposely kept it from him . he was angry . but his anger , i am persuaded , lasted no longer than he remained in any doubt of your sisters sentiments . he has heartily forgiven me now . elizabeth longed to observe that mr . bingley had been a most delightful friend so easily guided that his worth was invaluable but she checked herself . she remembered that he had yet to learn to be laughed at , and it was rather too early to begin . in anticipating the happiness of bingley , which of course was to be inferior only to his own , he continued the conversation till they reached the house . in the hall they parted . chapter my dear lizzy , where can you have been walking to . was a question which elizabeth received from jane as soon as she entered their room , and from all the others when they sat down to table . she had only to say in reply , that they had wandered about , till she was beyond her own knowledge . she coloured as she spoke but neither that , nor anything else , awakened a suspicion of the truth . the evening passed quietly , unmarked by anything extraordinary . the acknowledged lovers talked and laughed , the unacknowledged were silent . darcy was not of a disposition in which happiness overflows in mirth and elizabeth , agitated and confused , rather knew that she was happy than felt herself to be so for , besides the immediate embarrassment , there were other evils before her . she anticipated what would be felt in the family when her situation became known she was aware that no one liked him but jane and even feared that with the others it was a dislike which not all his fortune and consequence might do away . at night she opened her heart to jane . though suspicion was very far from miss bennets general habits , she was absolutely incredulous here . you are joking , lizzy . this cannot be . to mr . darcy . no , you shall not deceive me . i know it to be impossible . this is a wretched beginning indeed . my sole dependence was on you and i am sure nobody else will believe me , if you do not . yet , indeed , i am in earnest . i speak nothing but the truth . he still loves me , and we are engaged . jane looked at her doubtingly . oh , lizzy . it cannot be . i know how much you dislike him . you know nothing of the matter . that is all to be forgot . perhaps i did not always love him so well as i do now . but in such cases as these , a good memory is unpardonable . this is the last time i shall ever remember it myself . miss bennet still looked all amazement . elizabeth again , and more seriously assured her of its truth . good heaven . can it be really so . yet now i must believe you , cried jane . my dear , lizzy , i would  do congratulate you  are you certain . forgive the question  you quite certain that you can be happy with him . there can be no doubt of that . it is settled between us already , that we are to be the happiest couple in the world . but are you pleased , jane . shall you like to have such a brother . very , much . nothing could give either bingley or myself more delight . but we considered it , we talked of it as impossible . and do you really love him quite well enough . oh , lizzy . do anything rather than marry without affection . are you quite sure that you feel what you ought to do . oh , yes . you will only think i feel more than i ought to do , when i tell you all . what do you mean . why , i must confess that i love him better than i do bingley . i am afraid you will be angry . my dearest sister , now be serious . i want to talk very seriously . let me know every thing that i am to know , without delay . will you tell me how long you have loved him . it has been coming on so gradually , that i hardly know when it began . but i believe i must date it from my first seeing his beautiful grounds at pemberley . another entreaty that she would be serious , however , produced the desired effect and she soon satisfied jane by her solemn assurances of attachment . when convinced on that article , miss bennet had nothing further to wish . now i am quite happy , said she , for you will be as happy as myself . i always had a value for him . were it for nothing but his love of you , i must always have esteemed him but now , as bingleys friend and your husband , there can be only bingley and yourself more dear to me . but lizzy , you have been very sly , very reserved with me . how little did you tell me of what passed at pemberley and lambton . i owe all that i know of it to another , not to you . elizabeth told her the motives of her secrecy . she had been unwilling to mention bingley and the unsettled state of her own feelings had made her equally avoid the name of his friend . but now she would no longer conceal from her his share in lydias marriage . all was acknowledged , and half the night spent in conversation . good gracious . cried mrs . bennet , as she stood at a window the next morning , if that disagreeable mr . darcy is not coming here again with our dear bingley . what can he mean by being so tiresome as to be always coming here . i had no notion but he would go a shooting, , or something or other , and not disturb us with his company . what shall we do with him . lizzy , you must walk out with him again , that he may not be in bingleys way . elizabeth could hardly help laughing at so convenient a proposal yet was really vexed that her mother should be always giving him such an epithet . as soon as they entered , bingley looked at her so expressively , and shook hands with such warmth , as left no doubt of his good information and he soon afterwards said aloud , mrs . bennet , have you no more lanes hereabouts in which lizzy may lose her way again to day . i advise mr . darcy , and lizzy , and kitty , said mrs . bennet , to walk to oakham mount this morning . it is a nice long walk , and mr . darcy has never seen the view . it may do very well for the others , replied mr . bingley but i am sure it will be too much for kitty . wont it , kitty . kitty owned that she had rather stay at home . darcy professed a great curiosity to see the view from the mount , and elizabeth silently consented . as she went up stairs to get ready , mrs . bennet followed her , saying i am quite sorry , lizzy , that you should be forced to have that disagreeable man all to yourself . but i hope you will not mind it is all for janes sake , you know and there is no occasion for talking to him , except just now and then . so , do not put yourself to inconvenience . during their walk , it was resolved that mr . bennets consent should be asked in the course of the evening . elizabeth reserved to herself the application for her mothers . she could not determine how her mother would take it sometimes doubting whether all his wealth and grandeur would be enough to overcome her abhorrence of the man . but whether she were violently set against the match , or violently delighted with it , was certain that her manner would be equally ill adapted to do credit to her sense and she could no more bear that mr . darcy should hear the first raptures of her joy , than the first vehemence of her disapprobation . in the evening , soon after mr . bennet withdrew to the library , she saw mr . darcy rise also and follow him , and her agitation on seeing it was extreme . she did not fear her fathers opposition , but he was going to be made unhappy and that it should be through her means  she , his favourite child , should be distressing him by her choice , should be filling him with fears and regrets in disposing of her  a wretched reflection , and she sat in misery till mr . darcy appeared again , when , looking at him , she was a little relieved by his smile . in a few minutes he approached the table where she was sitting with kitty and , while pretending to admire her work said in a whisper , go to your father , he wants you in the library . she was gone directly . her father was walking about the room , looking grave and anxious . lizzy , said he , what are you doing . are you out of your senses , to be accepting this man . have not you always hated him . how earnestly did she then wish that her former opinions had been more reasonable , her expressions more moderate . it would have spared her from explanations and professions which it was exceedingly awkward to give but they were now necessary , and she assured him , with some confusion , of her attachment to mr . darcy . or , in other words , you are determined to have him . he is rich , to be sure , and you may have more fine clothes and fine carriages than jane . but will they make you happy . have you any other objection , said elizabeth , than your belief of my indifference . none at all . we all know him to be a proud , unpleasant sort of man but this would be nothing if you really liked him . i do , i do like him , she replied , with tears in her eyes , i love him . indeed he has no improper pride . he is perfectly amiable . you do not know what he really is then pray do not pain me by speaking of him in such terms . lizzy , said her father , i have given him my consent . he is the kind of man , indeed , to whom i should never dare refuse anything , which he condescended to ask . i now give it to you , if you are resolved on having him . but let me advise you to think better of it . i know your disposition , lizzy . i know that you could be neither happy nor respectable , unless you truly esteemed your husband unless you looked up to him as a superior . your lively talents would place you in the greatest danger in an unequal marriage . you could scarcely escape discredit and misery . my child , let me not have the grief of seeing you unable to respect your partner in life . you know not what you are about . elizabeth , still more affected , was earnest and solemn in her reply and at length , by repeated assurances that mr . darcy was really the object of her choice , by explaining the gradual change which her estimation of him had undergone , relating her absolute certainty that his affection was not the work of a day , but had stood the test of many months suspense , and enumerating with energy all his good qualities , she did conquer her fathers incredulity , and reconcile him to the match . well , my dear , said he , when she ceased speaking , i have no more to say . if this be the case , he deserves you . i could not have parted with you , my lizzy , to anyone less worthy . to complete the favourable impression , she then told him what mr . darcy had voluntarily done for lydia . he heard her with astonishment . this is an evening of wonders , indeed . and so , darcy did every thing made up the match , gave the money , paid the fellows debts , and got him his commission . so much the better . it will save me a world of trouble and economy . had it been your uncles doing , i must and would have paid him but these violent young lovers carry every thing their own way . i shall offer to pay him to morrow he will rant and storm about his love for you , and there will be an end of the matter . he then recollected her embarrassment a few days before , on his reading mr . collinss letter and after laughing at her some time , allowed her at last to go  , as she quitted the room , if any young men come for mary or kitty , send them in , for i am quite at leisure . elizabeths mind was now relieved from a very heavy weight and , after half an hours quiet reflection in her own room , she was able to join the others with tolerable composure . every thing was too recent for gaiety , but the evening passed tranquilly away there was no longer anything material to be dreaded , and the comfort of ease and familiarity would come in time . when her mother went up to her dressing room at night , she followed her , and made the important communication . its effect was most extraordinary for on first hearing it , mrs . bennet sat quite still , and unable to utter a syllable . nor was it under many , minutes that she could comprehend what she heard though not in general backward to credit what was for the advantage of her family , or that came in the shape of a lover to any of them . she began at length to recover , to fidget about in her chair , get up , sit down again , wonder , and bless herself . good gracious . lord bless me . only think . dear me . mr . darcy . who would have thought it . and is it really true . oh . my sweetest lizzy . how rich and how great you will be . what pin money, , what jewels , what carriages you will have . janes is nothing to it  at all . i am so pleased  happy . such a charming man . handsome . so tall . my dear lizzy . pray apologise for my having disliked him so much before . i hope he will overlook it . dear , lizzy . a house in town . every thing that is charming . three daughters married . ten thousand a year . oh , lord . what will become of me . i shall go distracted . this was enough to prove that her approbation need not be doubted and elizabeth , rejoicing that such an effusion was heard only by herself , soon went away . but before she had been three minutes in her own room , her mother followed her . my dearest child , she cried , i can think of nothing else . ten thousand a year , and very likely more . tis as good as a lord . and a special licence . you must and shall be married by a special licence . but my dearest love , tell me what dish mr . darcy is particularly fond of , that i may have it to morrow . this was a sad omen of what her mothers behaviour to the gentleman himself might be and elizabeth found that , though in the certain possession of his warmest affection , and secure of her relations consent , there was still something to be wished for . but the morrow passed off much better than she expected for mrs . bennet luckily stood in such awe of her intended son in that she ventured not to speak to him , unless it was in her power to offer him any attention , or mark her deference for his opinion . elizabeth had the satisfaction of seeing her father taking pains to get acquainted with him and mr . bennet soon assured her that he was rising every hour in his esteem . i admire all my three sons in highly , said he . wickham , perhaps , is my favourite but i think i shall like your husband quite as well as janes . chapter elizabeths spirits soon rising to playfulness again , she wanted mr . darcy to account for his having ever fallen in love with her . how could you begin . said she . i can comprehend your going on charmingly , when you had once made a beginning but what could set you off in the first place . i cannot fix on the hour , or the spot , or the look , or the words , which laid the foundation . it is too long ago . i was in the middle before i knew that i had begun . my beauty you had early withstood , and as for my manners  behaviour to you was at least always bordering on the uncivil , and i never spoke to you without rather wishing to give you pain than not . now be sincere did you admire me for my impertinence . for the liveliness of your mind , i did . you may as well call it impertinence at once . it was very little less . the fact is , that you were sick of civility , of deference , of officious attention . you were disgusted with the women who were always speaking , and looking , and thinking for your approbation alone . i roused , and interested you , because i was so unlike them . had you not been really amiable , you would have hated me for it but in spite of the pains you took to disguise yourself , your feelings were always noble and just and in your heart , you thoroughly despised the persons who so assiduously courted you . there  have saved you the trouble of accounting for it and really , all things considered , i begin to think it perfectly reasonable . to be sure , you knew no actual good of me  nobody thinks of that when they fall in love . was there no good in your affectionate behaviour to jane while she was ill at netherfield . dearest jane . who could have done less for her . but make a virtue of it by all means . my good qualities are under your protection , and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible and , in return , it belongs to me to find occasions for teasing and quarrelling with you as often as may be and i shall begin directly by asking you what made you so unwilling to come to the point at last . what made you so shy of me , when you first called , and afterwards dined here . why , especially , when you called , did you look as if you did not care about me . because you were grave and silent , and gave me no encouragement . but i was embarrassed . and so was i . you might have talked to me more when you came to dinner . a man who had felt less , might . how unlucky that you should have a reasonable answer to give , and that i should be so reasonable as to admit it . but i wonder how long you would have gone on , if you had been left to yourself . i wonder when you would have spoken , if i had not asked you . my resolution of thanking you for your kindness to lydia had certainly great effect . too much , i am afraid for what becomes of the moral , if our comfort springs from a breach of promise . for i ought not to have mentioned the subject . this will never do . you need not distress yourself . the moral will be perfectly fair . lady catherines unjustifiable endeavours to separate us were the means of removing all my doubts . i am not indebted for my present happiness to your eager desire of expressing your gratitude . i was not in a humour to wait for any opening of yours . my aunts intelligence had given me hope , and i was determined at once to know every thing . lady catherine has been of infinite use , which ought to make her happy , for she loves to be of use . but tell me , what did you come down to netherfield for . was it merely to ride to longbourn and be embarrassed . or had you intended any more serious consequence . my real purpose was to see you , and to judge , if i could , whether i might ever hope to make you love me . my avowed one , or what i avowed to myself , was to see whether your sister were still partial to bingley , and if she were , to make the confession to him which i have since made . shall you ever have courage to announce to lady catherine what is to befall her . i am more likely to want more time than courage , elizabeth . but it ought to be done , and if you will give me a sheet of paper , it shall be done directly . and if i had not a letter to write myself , i might sit by you and admire the evenness of your writing , as another young lady once did . but i have an aunt , too , who must not be longer neglected . from an unwillingness to confess how much her intimacy with mr . darcy had been over rated, , elizabeth had never yet answered mrs . gardiners long letter but now , having that to communicate which she knew would be most welcome , she was almost ashamed to find that her uncle and aunt had already lost three days of happiness , and immediately wrote as follows i would have thanked you before , my dear aunt , as i ought to have done , for your long , kind , satisfactory , detail of particulars but to say the truth , i was too cross to write . you supposed more than really existed . but now suppose as much as you choose give a loose rein to your fancy , indulge your imagination in every possible flight which the subject will afford , and unless you believe me actually married , you cannot greatly err . you must write again very soon , and praise him a great deal more than you did in your last . i thank you , again and again , for not going to the lakes . how could i be so silly as to wish it . your idea of the ponies is delightful . we will go round the park every day . i am the happiest creature in the world . perhaps other people have said so before , but not one with such justice . i am happier even than jane she only smiles , i laugh . mr . darcy sends you all the love in the world that he can spare from me . you are all to come to pemberley at christmas . yours , etc . mr . darcys letter to lady catherine was in a different style and still different from either was what mr . bennet sent to mr . collins , in reply to his last . dear sir , i must trouble you once more for congratulations . elizabeth will soon be the wife of mr . darcy . console lady catherine as well as you can . but , if i were you , i would stand by the nephew . he has more to give . yours sincerely , etc . miss bingleys congratulations to her brother , on his approaching marriage , were all that was affectionate and insincere . she wrote even to jane on the occasion , to express her delight , and repeat all her former professions of regard . jane was not deceived , but she was affected and though feeling no reliance on her , could not help writing her a much kinder answer than she knew was deserved . the joy which miss darcy expressed on receiving similar information , was as sincere as her brothers in sending it . four sides of paper were insufficient to contain all her delight , and all her earnest desire of being loved by her sister . before any answer could arrive from mr . collins , or any congratulations to elizabeth from his wife , the longbourn family heard that the collinses were come themselves to lucas lodge . the reason of this sudden removal was soon evident . lady catherine had been rendered so exceedingly angry by the contents of her nephews letter , that charlotte , really rejoicing in the match , was anxious to get away till the storm was blown over . at such a moment , the arrival of her friend was a sincere pleasure to elizabeth , though in the course of their meetings she must sometimes think the pleasure dearly bought , when she saw mr . darcy exposed to all the parading and obsequious civility of her husband . he bore it , however , with admirable calmness . he could even listen to sir william lucas , when he complimented him on carrying away the brightest jewel of the country , and expressed his hopes of their all meeting frequently at st . jamess , with very decent composure . if he did shrug his shoulders , it was not till sir william was out of sight . mrs . phillipss vulgarity was another , and perhaps a greater , tax on his forbearance and though mrs . phillips , as well as her sister , stood in too much awe of him to speak with the familiarity which bingleys good humour encouraged , yet , whenever she did speak , she must be vulgar . nor was her respect for him , though it made her more quiet , at all likely to make her more elegant . elizabeth did all she could to shield him from the frequent notice of either , and was ever anxious to keep him to herself , and to those of her family with whom he might converse without mortification and though the uncomfortable feelings arising from all this took from the season of courtship much of its pleasure , it added to the hope of the future and she looked forward with delight to the time when they should be removed from society so little pleasing to either , to all the comfort and elegance of their family party at pemberley . chapter happy for all her maternal feelings was the day on which mrs . bennet got rid of her two most deserving daughters . with what delighted pride she afterwards visited mrs . bingley , and talked of mrs . darcy , may be guessed . i wish i could say , for the sake of her family , that the accomplishment of her earnest desire in the establishment of so many of her children produced so happy an effect as to make her a sensible , amiable , well informed woman for the rest of her life though perhaps it was lucky for her husband , who might not have relished domestic felicity in so unusual a form , that she still was occasionally nervous and invariably silly . mr . bennet missed his second daughter exceedingly his affection for her drew him oftener from home than anything else could do . he delighted in going to pemberley , especially when he was least expected . mr . bingley and jane remained at netherfield only a twelvemonth . so near a vicinity to her mother and meryton relations was not desirable even to his easy temper , or her affectionate heart . the darling wish of his sisters was then gratified he bought an estate in a neighbouring county to derbyshire , and jane and elizabeth , in addition to every other source of happiness , were within thirty miles of each other . kitty , to her very material advantage , spent the chief of her time with her two elder sisters . in society so superior to what she had generally known , her improvement was great . she was not of so ungovernable a temper as lydia and , removed from the influence of lydias example , she became , by proper attention and management , less irritable , less ignorant , and less insipid . from the further disadvantage of lydias society she was of course carefully kept , and though mrs . wickham frequently invited her to come and stay with her , with the promise of balls and young men , her father would never consent to her going . mary was the only daughter who remained at home and she was necessarily drawn from the pursuit of accomplishments by mrs . bennets being quite unable to sit alone . mary was obliged to mix more with the world , but she could still moralize over every morning visit and as she was no longer mortified by comparisons between her sisters beauty and her own , it was suspected by her father that she submitted to the change without much reluctance . as for wickham and lydia , their characters suffered no revolution from the marriage of her sisters . he bore with philosophy the conviction that elizabeth must now become acquainted with whatever of his ingratitude and falsehood had before been unknown to her and in spite of every thing , was not wholly without hope that darcy might yet be prevailed on to make his fortune . the congratulatory letter which elizabeth received from lydia on her marriage , explained to her that , by his wife at least , if not by himself , such a hope was cherished . the letter was to this effect my dear lizzy , i wish you joy . if you love mr . darcy half as well as i do my dear wickham , you must be very happy . it is a great comfort to have you so rich , and when you have nothing else to do , i hope you will think of us . i am sure wickham would like a place at court very much , and i do not think we shall have quite money enough to live upon without some help . any place would do , of about three or four hundred a year but however , do not speak to mr . darcy about it , if you had rather not . yours , etc . as it happened that elizabeth had much rather not , she endeavoured in her answer to put an end to every entreaty and expectation of the kind . such relief , however , as it was in her power to afford , by the practice of what might be called economy in her own private expences , she frequently sent them . it had always been evident to her that such an income as theirs , under the direction of two persons so extravagant in their wants , and heedless of the future , must be very insufficient to their support and whenever they changed their quarters , either jane or herself were sure of being applied to for some little assistance towards discharging their bills . their manner of living , even when the restoration of peace dismissed them to a home , was unsettled in the extreme . they were always moving from place to place in quest of a cheap situation , and always spending more than they ought . his affection for her soon sunk into indifference hers lasted a little longer and in spite of her youth and her manners , she retained all the claims to reputation which her marriage had given her . though darcy could never receive him at pemberley , yet , for elizabeths sake , he assisted him further in his profession . lydia was occasionally a visitor there , when her husband was gone to enjoy himself in london or bath and with the bingleys they both of them frequently staid so long , that even bingleys good humour was overcome , and he proceeded so far as to talk of giving them a hint to be gone . miss bingley was very deeply mortified by darcys marriage but as she thought it advisable to retain the right of visiting at pemberley , she dropt all her resentment was fonder than ever of georgiana , almost as attentive to darcy as heretofore , and paid off every arrear of civility to elizabeth . pemberley was now georgianas home and the attachment of the sisters was exactly what darcy had hoped to see . they were able to love each other even as well as they intended . georgiana had the highest opinion in the world of elizabeth though at first she often listened with an astonishment bordering on alarm at her lively , sportive , manner of talking to her brother . he , who had always inspired in herself a respect which almost overcame her affection , she now saw the object of open pleasantry . her mind received knowledge which had never before fallen in her way . by elizabeths instructions , she began to comprehend that a woman may take liberties with her husband which a brother will not always allow in a sister more than ten years younger than himself . lady catherine was extremely indignant on the marriage of her nephew and as she gave way to all the genuine frankness of her character in her reply to the letter which announced its arrangement , she sent him language so very abusive , especially of elizabeth , that for some time all intercourse was at an end . but at length , by elizabeths persuasion , he was prevailed on to overlook the offence , and seek a reconciliation and , after a little further resistance on the part of his aunt , her resentment gave way , either to her affection for him , or her curiosity to see how his wife conducted herself and she condescended to wait on them at pemberley , in spite of that pollution which its woods had received , not merely from the presence of such a mistress , but the visits of her uncle and aunt from the city . with the gardiners , they were always on the most intimate terms . darcy , as well as elizabeth , really loved them and they were both ever sensible of the warmest gratitude towards the persons who , by bringing her into derbyshire , had been the means of uniting them . it was the best of times , it was the worst of times , it was the age of wisdom , it was the age of foolishness , it was the epoch of belief , it was the epoch of incredulity , it was the season of light , it was the season of darkness , it was the spring of hope , it was the winter of despair , we had everything before us , we had nothing before us , we were all going direct to heaven , we were all going direct the other way  in short , the period was so far like the present period , that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received , for good or for evil , in the superlative degree of comparison only . there were a king with a large jaw and a queen with a plain face , on the throne of england there were a king with a large jaw and a queen with a fair face , on the throne of france . in both countries it was clearer than crystal to the lords of the state preserves of loaves and fishes , that things in general were settled for ever . it was the year of our lord one thousand seven hundred and seventy five . spiritual revelations were conceded to england at that favoured period , as at this . mrs . southcott had recently attained her five and blessed birthday , of whom a prophetic private in the life guards had heralded the sublime appearance by announcing that arrangements were made for the swallowing up of london and westminster . even the cock lane ghost had been laid only a round dozen of years , after rapping out its messages , as the spirits of this very year last past supernaturally deficient in originality rapped out theirs . mere messages in the earthly order of events had lately come to the english crown and people , from a congress of british subjects in america which , strange to relate , have proved more important to the human race than any communications yet received through any of the chickens of the cock lane brood . france , less favoured on the whole as to matters spiritual than her sister of the shield and trident , rolled with exceeding smoothness down hill , making paper money and spending it . under the guidance of her christian pastors , she entertained herself , besides , with such humane achievements as sentencing a youth to have his hands cut off , his tongue torn out with pincers , and his body burned alive , because he had not kneeled down in the rain to do honour to a dirty procession of monks which passed within his view , at a distance of some fifty or sixty yards . it is likely enough that , rooted in the woods of france and norway , there were growing trees , when that sufferer was put to death , already marked by the woodman , fate , to come down and be sawn into boards , to make a certain movable framework with a sack and a knife in it , terrible in history . it is likely enough that in the rough outhouses of some tillers of the heavy lands adjacent to paris , there were sheltered from the weather that very day , rude carts , bespattered with rustic mire , snuffed about by pigs , and roosted in by poultry , which the farmer , death , had already set apart to be his tumbrils of the revolution . but that woodman and that farmer , though they work unceasingly , work silently , and no one heard them as they went about with muffled tread the rather , forasmuch as to entertain any suspicion that they were awake , was to be atheistical and traitorous . in england , there was scarcely an amount of order and protection to justify much national boasting . daring burglaries by armed men , and highway robberies , took place in the capital itself every night families were publicly cautioned not to go out of town without removing their furniture to upholsterers warehouses for security the highwayman in the dark was a city tradesman in the light , and , being recognised and challenged by his fellow tradesman whom he stopped in his character of the captain , gallantly shot him through the head and rode away the mail was waylaid by seven robbers , and the guard shot three dead , and then got shot dead himself by the other four , in consequence of the failure of his ammunition after which the mail was robbed in peace that magnificent potentate , the lord mayor of london , was made to stand and deliver on turnham green , by one highwayman , who despoiled the illustrious creature in sight of all his retinue prisoners in london gaols fought battles with their turnkeys , and the majesty of the law fired blunderbusses in among them , loaded with rounds of shot and ball thieves snipped off diamond crosses from the necks of noble lords at court drawing rooms musketeers went into st . giless , to search for contraband goods , and the mob fired on the musketeers , and the musketeers fired on the mob , and nobody thought any of these occurrences much out of the common way . in the midst of them , the hangman , ever busy and ever worse than useless , was in constant requisition now , stringing up long rows of miscellaneous criminals now , hanging a housebreaker on saturday who had been taken on tuesday now , burning people in the hand at newgate by the dozen , and now burning pamphlets at the door of westminster hall to day, , taking the life of an atrocious murderer , and to morrow of a wretched pilferer who had robbed a farmers boy of sixpence . all these things , and a thousand like them , came to pass in and close upon the dear old year one thousand seven hundred and seventy five . environed by them , while the woodman and the farmer worked unheeded , those two of the large jaws , and those other two of the plain and the fair faces , trod with stir enough , and carried their divine rights with a high hand . thus did the year one thousand seven hundred and seventy five conduct their greatnesses , and myriads of small creatures  of this chronicle among the rest  the roads that lay before them . ii . the mail it was the dover road that lay , on a friday night late in november , before the first of the persons with whom this history has business . the dover road lay , as to him , beyond the dover mail , as it lumbered up shooters hill . he walked up hill in the mire by the side of the mail , as the rest of the passengers did not because they had the least relish for walking exercise , under the circumstances , but because the hill , and the harness , and the mud , and the mail , were all so heavy , that the horses had three times already come to a stop , besides once drawing the coach across the road , with the mutinous intent of taking it back to blackheath . reins and whip and coachman and guard , however , in combination , had read that article of war which forbade a purpose otherwise strongly in favour of the argument , that some brute animals are endued with reason and the team had capitulated and returned to their duty . with drooping heads and tremulous tails , they mashed their way through the thick mud , floundering and stumbling between whiles , as if they were falling to pieces at the larger joints . as often as the driver rested them and brought them to a stand , with a wary wo ho . so ho . the near leader violently shook his head and everything upon it  an unusually emphatic horse , denying that the coach could be got up the hill . whenever the leader made this rattle , the passenger started , as a nervous passenger might , and was disturbed in mind . there was a steaming mist in all the hollows , and it had roamed in its forlornness up the hill , like an evil spirit , seeking rest and finding none . a clammy and intensely cold mist , it made its slow way through the air in ripples that visibly followed and overspread one another , as the waves of an unwholesome sea might do . it was dense enough to shut out everything from the light of the coach lamps but these its own workings , and a few yards of road and the reek of the labouring horses steamed into it , as if they had made it all . two other passengers , besides the one , were plodding up the hill by the side of the mail . all three were wrapped to the cheekbones and over the ears , and wore jack boots . not one of the three could have said , from anything he saw , what either of the other two was like and each was hidden under almost as many wrappers from the eyes of the mind , as from the eyes of the body , of his two companions . in those days , travellers were very shy of being confidential on a short notice , for anybody on the road might be a robber or in league with robbers . as to the latter , when every posting house and ale house could produce somebody in the captains pay , ranging from the landlord to the lowest stable non descript, , it was the likeliest thing upon the cards . so the guard of the dover mail thought to himself , that friday night in november , one thousand seven hundred and seventy five, , lumbering up shooters hill , as he stood on his own particular perch behind the mail , beating his feet , and keeping an eye and a hand on the arm chest before him , where a loaded blunderbuss lay at the top of six or eight loaded horse pistols, , deposited on a substratum of cutlass . the dover mail was in its usual genial position that the guard suspected the passengers , the passengers suspected one another and the guard , they all suspected everybody else , and the coachman was sure of nothing but the horses as to which cattle he could with a clear conscience have taken his oath on the two testaments that they were not fit for the journey . wo ho . said the coachman . so , then . one more pull and youre at the top and be damned to you , for i have had trouble enough to get you to it .  . halloa . the guard replied . what oclock do you make it , joe . ten minutes , good , past eleven . my blood . ejaculated the vexed coachman , and not atop of shooters yet . tst . yah . get on with you . the emphatic horse , cut short by the whip in a most decided negative , made a decided scramble for it , and the three other horses followed suit . once more , the dover mail struggled on , with the jack boots of its passengers squashing along by its side . they had stopped when the coach stopped , and they kept close company with it . if any one of the three had the hardihood to propose to another to walk on a little ahead into the mist and darkness , he would have put himself in a fair way of getting shot instantly as a highwayman . the last burst carried the mail to the summit of the hill . the horses stopped to breathe again , and the guard got down to skid the wheel for the descent , and open the coach door to let the passengers in . tst . joe . cried the coachman in a warning voice , looking down from his box . what do you say , tom . they both listened . i say a horse at a canter coming up , joe . i say a horse at a gallop , tom , returned the guard , leaving his hold of the door , and mounting nimbly to his place . gentlemen . in the kings name , all of you . with this hurried adjuration , he cocked his blunderbuss , and stood on the offensive . the passenger booked by this history , was on the coach step, , getting in the two other passengers were close behind him , and about to follow . he remained on the step , half in the coach and half out of they remained in the road below him . they all looked from the coachman to the guard , and from the guard to the coachman , and listened . the coachman looked back and the guard looked back , and even the emphatic leader pricked up his ears and looked back , without contradicting . the stillness consequent on the cessation of the rumbling and labouring of the coach , added to the stillness of the night , made it very quiet indeed . the panting of the horses communicated a tremulous motion to the coach , as if it were in a state of agitation . the hearts of the passengers beat loud enough perhaps to be heard but at any rate , the quiet pause was audibly expressive of people out of breath , and holding the breath , and having the pulses quickened by expectation . the sound of a horse at a gallop came fast and furiously up the hill . so ho . the guard sang out , as loud as he could roar . yo there . stand . i shall fire . the pace was suddenly checked , and , with much splashing and floundering , a mans voice called from the mist , is that the dover mail . never you mind what it is . the guard retorted . what are you . is that the dover mail . why do you want to know . i want a passenger , if it is . what passenger . mr . jarvis lorry . our booked passenger showed in a moment that it was his name . the guard , the coachman , and the two other passengers eyed him distrustfully . keep where you are , the guard called to the voice in the mist , because , if i should make a mistake , it could never be set right in your lifetime . gentleman of the name of lorry answer straight . what is the matter . asked the passenger , then , with mildly quavering speech . who wants me . is it jerry . i dont like jerrys voice , if it is jerry , growled the guard to himself . hes hoarser than suits me , is jerry . yes , mr . lorry . what is the matter . a despatch sent after you from over yonder . t . and co . i know this messenger , guard , said mr . lorry , getting down into the road  from behind more swiftly than politely by the other two passengers , who immediately scrambled into the coach , shut the door , and pulled up the window . he may come close theres nothing wrong . i hope there aint , but i cant make so nation sure of that , said the guard , in gruff soliloquy . hallo you . well . and hallo you . said jerry , more hoarsely than before . come on at a footpace . dye mind me . and if youve got holsters to that saddle o yourn , dont let me see your hand go nigh em . for im a devil at a quick mistake , and when i make one it takes the form of lead . so now lets look at you . the figures of a horse and rider came slowly through the eddying mist , and came to the side of the mail , where the passenger stood . the rider stooped , and , casting up his eyes at the guard , handed the passenger a small folded paper . the riders horse was blown , and both horse and rider were covered with mud , from the hoofs of the horse to the hat of the man . guard . said the passenger , in a tone of quiet business confidence . the watchful guard , with his right hand at the stock of his raised blunderbuss , his left at the barrel , and his eye on the horseman , answered curtly , sir . there is nothing to apprehend . i belong to tellsons bank . you must know tellsons bank in london . i am going to paris on business . a crown to drink . i may read this . if so be as youre quick , sir . he opened it in the light of the coach lamp on that side , and read  to himself and then aloud wait at dover for mamselle . its not long , you see , guard . jerry , say that my answer was , recalled to life . jerry started in his saddle . thats a blazing strange answer , too , said he , at his hoarsest . take that message back , and they will know that i received this , as well as if i wrote . make the best of your way . good night . with those words the passenger opened the coach door and got in not at all assisted by his fellow passengers, , who had expeditiously secreted their watches and purses in their boots , and were now making a general pretence of being asleep . with no more definite purpose than to escape the hazard of originating any other kind of action . the coach lumbered on again , with heavier wreaths of mist closing round it as it began the descent . the guard soon replaced his blunderbuss in his arm chest, , and , having looked to the rest of its contents , and having looked to the supplementary pistols that he wore in his belt , looked to a smaller chest beneath his seat , in which there were a few smiths tools , a couple of torches , and a tinder box . for he was furnished with that completeness that if the coach lamps had been blown and stormed out , which did occasionally happen , he had only to shut himself up inside , keep the flint and steel sparks well off the straw , and get a light with tolerable safety and ease in five minutes . tom . softly over the coach roof . hallo , joe . did you hear the message . i did , joe . what did you make of it , tom . nothing at all , joe . thats a coincidence , too , the guard mused , for i made the same of it myself . jerry , left alone in the mist and darkness , dismounted meanwhile , not only to ease his spent horse , but to wipe the mud from his face , and shake the wet out of his hat brim, , which might be capable of holding about half a gallon . after standing with the bridle over his heavily splashed arm , until the wheels of the mail were no longer within hearing and the night was quite still again , he turned to walk down the hill . after that there gallop from temple bar , old lady , i wont trust your fore legs till i get you on the level , said this hoarse messenger , glancing at his mare . recalled to life . thats a blazing strange message . much of that wouldnt do for you , jerry . i say , jerry . youd be in a blazing bad way , if recalling to life was to come into fashion , jerry . iii . the night shadows a wonderful fact to reflect upon , that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other . a solemn consideration , when i enter a great city by night , that every one of those darkly clustered houses encloses its own secret that every room in every one of them encloses its own secret that every beating heart in the hundreds of thousands of breasts there , is , in some of its imaginings , a secret to the heart nearest it . something of the awfulness , even of death itself , is referable to this . no more can i turn the leaves of this dear book that i loved , and vainly hope in time to read it all . no more can i look into the depths of this unfathomable water , wherein , as momentary lights glanced into it , i have had glimpses of buried treasure and other things submerged . it was appointed that the book should shut with a spring , for ever and for ever , when i had read but a page . it was appointed that the water should be locked in an eternal frost , when the light was playing on its surface , and i stood in ignorance on the shore . my friend is dead , my neighbour is dead , my love , the darling of my soul , is dead it is the inexorable consolidation and perpetuation of the secret that was always in that individuality , and which i shall carry in mine to my lifes end . in any of the burial places of this city through which i pass , is there a sleeper more inscrutable than its busy inhabitants are , in their innermost personality , to me , or than i am to them . as to this , his natural and not to be alienated inheritance , the messenger on horseback had exactly the same possessions as the king , the first minister of state , or the richest merchant in london . so with the three passengers shut up in the narrow compass of one lumbering old mail coach they were mysteries to one another , as complete as if each had been in his own coach and six , or his own coach and sixty , with the breadth of a county between him and the next . the messenger rode back at an easy trot , stopping pretty often at ale houses by the way to drink , but evincing a tendency to keep his own counsel , and to keep his hat cocked over his eyes . he had eyes that assorted very well with that decoration , being of a surface black , with no depth in the colour or form , and much too near together  if they were afraid of being found out in something , singly , if they kept too far apart . they had a sinister expression , under an old cocked hat like a three cornered spittoon , and over a great muffler for the chin and throat , which descended nearly to the wearers knees . when he stopped for drink , he moved this muffler with his left hand , only while he poured his liquor in with his right as soon as that was done , he muffled again . no , jerry , no . said the messenger , harping on one theme as he rode . it wouldnt do for you , jerry . jerry , you honest tradesman , it wouldnt suit your line of business . recalled  . bust me if i dont think hed been a drinking . his message perplexed his mind to that degree that he was fain , several times , to take off his hat to scratch his head . except on the crown , which was raggedly bald , he had stiff , black hair , standing jaggedly all over it , and growing down hill almost to his broad , blunt nose . it was so like smiths work , so much more like the top of a strongly spiked wall than a head of hair , that the best of players at leap frog might have declined him , as the most dangerous man in the world to go over . while he trotted back with the message he was to deliver to the night watchman in his box at the door of tellsons bank , by temple bar , who was to deliver it to greater authorities within , the shadows of the night took such shapes to him as arose out of the message , and took such shapes to the mare as arose out of her private topics of uneasiness . they seemed to be numerous , for she shied at every shadow on the road . what time , the mail coach lumbered , jolted , rattled , and bumped upon its tedious way , with its three fellow inscrutables inside . to whom , likewise , the shadows of the night revealed themselves , in the forms their dozing eyes and wandering thoughts suggested . tellsons bank had a run upon it in the mail . as the bank passenger  an arm drawn through the leathern strap , which did what lay in it to keep him from pounding against the next passenger , and driving him into his corner , whenever the coach got a special jolt  in his place , with half shut eyes , the little coach windows, , and the coach lamp dimly gleaming through them , and the bulky bundle of opposite passenger , became the bank , and did a great stroke of business . the rattle of the harness was the chink of money , and more drafts were honoured in five minutes than even tellsons , with all its foreign and home connection , ever paid in thrice the time . then the strong rooms underground , at tellsons , with such of their valuable stores and secrets as were known to the passenger and it was not a little that he knew about them , opened before him , and he went in among them with the great keys and the feebly burning candle , and found them safe , and strong , and sound , and still , just as he had last seen them . but , though the bank was almost always with him , and though the coach was always with him , there was another current of impression that never ceased to run , all through the night . he was on his way to dig some one out of a grave . now , which of the multitude of faces that showed themselves before him was the true face of the buried person , the shadows of the night did not indicate but they were all the faces of a man of five and by years , and they differed principally in the passions they expressed , and in the ghastliness of their worn and wasted state . pride , contempt , defiance , stubbornness , submission , lamentation , succeeded one another so did varieties of sunken cheek , cadaverous colour , emaciated hands and figures . but the face was in the main one face , and every head was prematurely white . a hundred times the dozing passenger inquired of this spectre buried how long . the answer was always the same almost eighteen years . you had abandoned all hope of being dug out . long ago . you know that you are recalled to life . they tell me so . i hope you care to live . i cant say . shall i show her to you . will you come and see her . the answers to this question were various and contradictory . sometimes the broken reply was , wait . it would kill me if i saw her too soon . sometimes , it was given in a tender rain of tears , and then it was , take me to her . sometimes it was staring and bewildered , and then it was , i dont know her . i dont understand . after such imaginary discourse , the passenger in his fancy would dig , and dig , with a spade , now with a great key , now with his hands  dig this wretched creature out . got out at last , with earth hanging about his face and hair , he would suddenly fan away to dust . the passenger would then start to himself , and lower the window , to get the reality of mist and rain on his cheek . yet even when his eyes were opened on the mist and rain , on the moving patch of light from the lamps , and the hedge at the roadside retreating by jerks , the night shadows outside the coach would fall into the train of the night shadows within . the real banking house by temple bar , the real business of the past day , the real strong rooms , the real express sent after him , and the real message returned , would all be there . out of the midst of them , the ghostly face would rise , and he would accost it again . buried how long . almost eighteen years . i hope you care to live . i cant say . dig  an impatient movement from one of the two passengers would admonish him to pull up the window , draw his arm securely through the leathern strap , and speculate upon the two slumbering forms , until his mind lost its hold of them , and they again slid away into the bank and the grave . buried how long . almost eighteen years . you had abandoned all hope of being dug out . long ago . the words were still in his hearing as just spoken  in his hearing as ever spoken words had been in his life  the weary passenger started to the consciousness of daylight , and found that the shadows of the night were gone . he lowered the window , and looked out at the rising sun . there was a ridge of ploughed land , with a plough upon it where it had been left last night when the horses were unyoked beyond , a quiet coppice wood, , in which many leaves of burning red and golden yellow still remained upon the trees . though the earth was cold and wet , the sky was clear , and the sun rose bright , placid , and beautiful . eighteen years . said the passenger , looking at the sun . gracious creator of day . to be buried alive for eighteen years . iv . the preparation when the mail got successfully to dover , in the course of the forenoon , the head drawer at the royal george hotel opened the coach door as his custom was . he did it with some flourish of ceremony , for a mail journey from london in winter was an achievement to congratulate an adventurous traveller upon . by that time , there was only one adventurous traveller left be congratulated for the two others had been set down at their respective roadside destinations . the mildewy inside of the coach , with its damp and dirty straw , its disagreeable smell , and its obscurity , was rather like a larger dog kennel . mr . lorry , the passenger , shaking himself out of it in chains of straw , a tangle of shaggy wrapper , flapping hat , and muddy legs , was rather like a larger sort of dog . there will be a packet to calais , tomorrow , drawer . yes , sir , if the weather holds and the wind sets tolerable fair . the tide will serve pretty nicely at about two in the afternoon , sir . bed , sir . i shall not go to bed till night but i want a bedroom , and a barber . and then breakfast , sir . yes , sir . that way , sir , if you please . show concord . gentlemans valise and hot water to concord . pull off gentlemans boots in concord . fetch barber to concord . stir about there , now , for concord . the concord bed chamber being always assigned to a passenger by the mail , and passengers by the mail being always heavily wrapped up from head to foot , the room had the odd interest for the establishment of the royal george , that although but one kind of man was seen to go into it , all kinds and varieties of men came out of it . consequently , another drawer , and two porters , and several maids and the landlady , were all loitering by accident at various points of the road between the concord and the coffee room, , when a gentleman of sixty , formally dressed in a brown suit of clothes , pretty well worn , but very well kept , with large square cuffs and large flaps to the pockets , passed along on his way to his breakfast . the coffee room had no other occupant , that forenoon , than the gentleman in brown . his breakfast table was drawn before the fire , and as he sat , with its light shining on him , waiting for the meal , he sat so still , that he might have been sitting for his portrait . very orderly and methodical he looked , with a hand on each knee , and a loud watch ticking a sonorous sermon under his flapped waist coat, , as though it pitted its gravity and longevity against the levity and evanescence of the brisk fire . he had a good leg , and was a little vain of it , for his brown stockings fitted sleek and close , and were of a fine texture his shoes and buckles , too , though plain , were trim . he wore an odd little sleek crisp flaxen wig , setting very close to his head which wig , it is to be presumed , was made of hair , but which looked far more as though it were spun from filaments of silk or glass . his linen , though not of a fineness in accordance with his stockings , was as white as the tops of the waves that broke upon the neighbouring beach , or the specks of sail that glinted in the sunlight far at sea . a face habitually suppressed and quieted , was still lighted up under the quaint wig by a pair of moist bright eyes that it must have cost their owner , in years gone by , some pains to drill to the composed and reserved expression of tellsons bank . he had a healthy colour in his cheeks , and his face , though lined , bore few traces of anxiety . but , perhaps the confidential bachelor clerks in tellsons bank were principally occupied with the cares of other people and perhaps second hand cares , like second hand clothes , come easily off and on . completing his resemblance to a man who was sitting for his portrait , mr . lorry dropped off to sleep . the arrival of his breakfast roused him , and he said to the drawer , as he moved his chair to it i wish accommodation prepared for a young lady who may come here at any time to day . she may ask for mr . jarvis lorry , or she may only ask for a gentleman from tellsons bank . please to let me know . yes , sir . tellsons bank in london , sir . yes . yes , sir . we have oftentimes the honour to entertain your gentlemen in their travelling backwards and forwards betwixt london and paris , sir . a vast deal of travelling , sir , in tellson and companys house . yes . we are quite a french house , as well as an english one . yes , sir . not much in the habit of such travelling yourself , i think , sir . not of late years . it is fifteen years since we  i  last from france . indeed , sir . that was before my time here , sir . before our peoples time here , sir . the george was in other hands at that time , sir . i believe so . but i would hold a pretty wager , sir , that a house like tellson and company was flourishing , a matter of fifty , not to speak of fifteen years ago . you might treble that , and say a hundred and fifty , yet not be far from the truth . indeed , sir . rounding his mouth and both his eyes , as he stepped backward from the table , the waiter shifted his napkin from his right arm to his left , dropped into a comfortable attitude , and stood surveying the guest while he ate and drank , as from an observatory or watchtower . according to the immemorial usage of waiters in all ages . when mr . lorry had finished his breakfast , he went out for a stroll on the beach . the little narrow , crooked town of dover hid itself away from the beach , and ran its head into the chalk cliffs , like a marine ostrich . the beach was a desert of heaps of sea and stones tumbling wildly about , and the sea did what it liked , and what it liked was destruction . it thundered at the town , and thundered at the cliffs , and brought the coast down , madly . the air among the houses was of so strong a piscatory flavour that one might have supposed sick fish went up to be dipped in it , as sick people went down to be dipped in the sea . a little fishing was done in the port , and a quantity of strolling about by night , and looking seaward particularly at those times when the tide made , and was near flood . small tradesmen , who did no business whatever , sometimes unaccountably realised large fortunes , and it was remarkable that nobody in the neighbourhood could endure a lamplighter . as the day declined into the afternoon , and the air , which had been at intervals clear enough to allow the french coast to be seen , became again charged with mist and vapour , mr . lorrys thoughts seemed to cloud too . when it was dark , and he sat before the coffee room fire , awaiting his dinner as he had awaited his breakfast , his mind was busily digging , in the live red coals . a bottle of good claret after dinner does a digger in the red coals no harm , otherwise than as it has a tendency to throw him out of work . mr . lorry had been idle a long time , and had just poured out his last glassful of wine with as complete an appearance of satisfaction as is ever to be found in an elderly gentleman of a fresh complexion who has got to the end of a bottle , when a rattling of wheels came up the narrow street , and rumbled into the inn yard . he set down his glass untouched . this is mamselle . said he . in a very few minutes the waiter came in to announce that miss manette had arrived from london , and would be happy to see the gentleman from tellsons . so soon . miss manette had taken some refreshment on the road , and required none then , and was extremely anxious to see the gentleman from tellsons immediately , if it suited his pleasure and convenience . the gentleman from tellsons had nothing left for it but to empty his glass with an air of stolid desperation , settle his odd little flaxen wig at the ears , and follow the waiter to miss manettes apartment . it was a large , dark room , furnished in a funereal manner with black horsehair , and loaded with heavy dark tables . these had been oiled and oiled , until the two tall candles on the table in the middle of the room were gloomily reflected on every leaf as if they were buried , in deep graves of black mahogany , and no light to speak of could be expected from them until they were dug out . the obscurity was so difficult to penetrate that mr . lorry , picking his way over the well worn turkey carpet , supposed miss manette to be , for the moment , in some adjacent room , until , having got past the two tall candles , he saw standing to receive him by the table between them and the fire , a young lady of not more than seventeen , in a riding cloak, , and still holding her straw travelling hat by its ribbon in her hand . as his eyes rested on a short , slight , pretty figure , a quantity of golden hair , a pair of blue eyes that met his own with an inquiring look , and a forehead with a singular capacity remembering how young and smooth it was , of rifting and knitting itself into an expression that was not quite one of perplexity , or wonder , or alarm , or merely of a bright fixed attention , though it included all the four expressions  his eyes rested on these things , a sudden vivid likeness passed before him , of a child whom he had held in his arms on the passage across that very channel , one cold time , when the hail drifted heavily and the sea ran high . the likeness passed away , like a breath along the surface of the gaunt pier glass behind her , on the frame of which , a hospital procession of negro cupids , several headless and all cripples , were offering black baskets of dead sea fruit to black divinities of the feminine gender  he made his formal bow to miss manette . pray take a seat , sir . in a very clear and pleasant young voice a little foreign in its accent , but a very little indeed . i kiss your hand , miss , said mr . lorry , with the manners of an earlier date , as he made his formal bow again , and took his seat . i received a letter from the bank , sir , yesterday , informing me that some intelligence  discovery  the word is not material , miss either word will do . the small property of my poor father , whom i never saw  long dead  mr . lorry moved in his chair , and cast a troubled look towards the hospital procession of negro cupids . as if they had any help for anybody in their absurd baskets . it necessary that i should go to paris , there to communicate with a gentleman of the bank , so good as to be despatched to paris for the purpose . myself . as i was prepared to hear , sir . she curtseyed to him with a pretty desire to convey to him that she felt how much older and wiser he was than she . he made her another bow . i replied to the bank , sir , that as it was considered necessary , by those who know , and who are so kind as to advise me , that i should go to france , and that as i am an orphan and have no friend who could go with me , i should esteem it highly if i might be permitted to place myself , during the journey , under that worthy gentlemans protection . the gentleman had left london , but i think a messenger was sent after him to beg the favour of his waiting for me here . i was happy , said mr . lorry , to be entrusted with the charge . i shall be more happy to execute it . sir , i thank you indeed . i thank you very gratefully . it was told me by the bank that the gentleman would explain to me the details of the business , and that i must prepare myself to find them of a surprising nature . i have done my best to prepare myself , and i naturally have a strong and eager interest to know what they are . naturally , said mr . lorry . yes  after a pause , he added , again settling the crisp flaxen wig at the ears , it is very difficult to begin . he did not begin , but , in his indecision , met her glance . the young forehead lifted itself into that singular expression  it was pretty and characteristic , besides being singular  she raised her hand , as if with an involuntary action she caught at , or stayed some passing shadow . are you quite a stranger to me , sir . am i not . mr . lorry opened his hands , and extended them outwards with an argumentative smile . between the eyebrows and just over the little feminine nose , the line of which was as delicate and fine as it was possible to be , the expression deepened itself as she took her seat thoughtfully in the chair by which she had hitherto remained standing . he watched her as she mused , and the moment she raised her eyes again , went on in your adopted country , i presume , i cannot do better than address you as a young english lady , miss manette . if you please , sir . miss manette , i am a man of business . i have a business charge to acquit myself of . in your reception of it , dont heed me any more than if i was a speaking machine  , i am not much else . i will , with your leave , relate to you , miss , the story of one of our customers . story . he seemed wilfully to mistake the word she had repeated , when he added , in a hurry , yes , customers in the banking business we usually call our connection our customers . he was a french gentleman a scientific gentleman a man of great acquirements  doctor . not of beauvais . why , yes , of beauvais . like monsieur manette , your father , the gentleman was of beauvais . like monsieur manette , your father , the gentleman was of repute in paris . i had the honour of knowing him there . our relations were business relations , but confidential . i was at that time in our french house , and had been  . twenty years . at that time  may ask , at what time , sir . i speak , miss , of twenty years ago . he married  english lady  i was one of the trustees . his affairs , like the affairs of many other french gentlemen and french families , were entirely in tellsons hands . in a similar way i am , or i have been , trustee of one kind or other for scores of our customers . these are mere business relations , miss there is no friendship in them , no particular interest , nothing like sentiment . i have passed from one to another , in the course of my business life , just as i pass from one of our customers to another in the course of my business day in short , i have no feelings i am a mere machine . to go on  but this is my fathers story , sir and i begin to think  curiously roughened forehead was very intent upon him  when i was left an orphan through my mothers surviving my father only two years , it was you who brought me to england . i am almost sure it was you . mr . lorry took the hesitating little hand that confidingly advanced to take his , and he put it with some ceremony to his lips . he then conducted the young lady straightway to her chair again , and , holding the chair back with his left hand , and using his right by turns to rub his chin , pull his wig at the ears , or point what he said , stood looking down into her face while she sat looking up into his . miss manette , it was i . and you will see how truly i spoke of myself just now , in saying i had no feelings , and that all the relations i hold with my fellow creatures are mere business relations , when you reflect that i have never seen you since . no you have been the ward of tellsons house since , and i have been busy with the other business of tellsons house since . feelings . i have no time for them , no chance of them . i pass my whole life , miss , in turning an immense pecuniary mangle . after this odd description of his daily routine of employment , mr . lorry flattened his flaxen wig upon his head with both hands which was most unnecessary , for nothing could be flatter than its shining surface was before , and resumed his former attitude . so far , miss this is the story of your regretted father . now comes the difference . if your father had not died when he did  be frightened . how you start . she did , indeed , start . and she caught his wrist with both her hands . pray , said mr . lorry , in a soothing tone , bringing his left hand from the back of the chair to lay it on the supplicatory fingers that clasped him in so violent a tremble pray control your agitation  matter of business . as i was saying  her look so discomposed him that he stopped , wandered , and began anew as i was saying if monsieur manette had not died if he had suddenly and silently disappeared if he had been spirited away if it had not been difficult to guess to what dreadful place , though no art could trace him if he had an enemy in some compatriot who could exercise a privilege that i in my own time have known the boldest people afraid to speak of in a whisper , across the water there for instance , the privilege of filling up blank forms for the consignment of any one to the oblivion of a prison for any length of time if his wife had implored the king , the queen , the court , the clergy , for any tidings of him , and all quite in vain  the history of your father would have been the history of this unfortunate gentleman , the doctor of beauvais . i entreat you to tell me more , sir . i will . i am going to . you can bear it . i can bear anything but the uncertainty you leave me in at this moment . you speak collectedly , and you  collected . thats good . though his manner was less satisfied than his words . a matter of business . regard it as a matter of business  that must be done . now if this doctors wife , though a lady of great courage and spirit , had suffered so intensely from this cause before her little child was born  the little child was a daughter , sir . a daughter . a a of business  be distressed . miss , if the poor lady had suffered so intensely before her little child was born , that she came to the determination of sparing the poor child the inheritance of any part of the agony she had known the pains of , by rearing her in the belief that her father was dead  , dont kneel . in heavens name why should you kneel to me . for the truth . o dear , good , compassionate sir , for the truth . a  matter of business . you confuse me , and how can i transact business if i am confused . let us be clear headed . if you could kindly mention now , for instance , what nine times ninepence are , or how many shillings in twenty guineas , it would be so encouraging . i should be so much more at my ease about your state of mind . without directly answering to this appeal , she sat so still when he had very gently raised her , and the hands that had not ceased to clasp his wrists were so much more steady than they had been , that she communicated some reassurance to mr . jarvis lorry . thats right , thats right . courage . business . you have business before you useful business . miss manette , your mother took this course with you . and when she died  believe broken hearted never slackened her unavailing search for your father , she left you , at two years old , to grow to be blooming , beautiful , and happy , without the dark cloud upon you of living in uncertainty whether your father soon wore his heart out in prison , or wasted there through many lingering years . as he said the words he looked down , with an admiring pity , on the flowing golden hair as if he pictured to himself that it might have been already tinged with grey . you know that your parents had no great possession , and that what they had was secured to your mother and to you . there has been no new discovery , of money , or of any other property but  he felt his wrist held closer , and he stopped . the expression in the forehead , which had so particularly attracted his notice , and which was now immovable , had deepened into one of pain and horror . but he has been  found . he is alive . greatly changed , it is too probable almost a wreck , it is possible though we will hope the best . still , alive . your father has been taken to the house of an old servant in paris , and we are going there i , to identify him if i can you , to restore him to life , love , duty , rest , comfort . a shiver ran through her frame , and from it through his . she said , in a low , distinct , awe stricken voice , as if she were saying it in a dream , i am going to see his ghost . it will be his ghost  him . mr . lorry quietly chafed the hands that held his arm . there , . see now , see now . the best and the worst are known to you , now . you are well on your way to the poor wronged gentleman , and , with a fair sea voyage , and a fair land journey , you will be soon at his dear side . she repeated in the same tone , sunk to a whisper , i have been free , i have been happy , yet his ghost has never haunted me . only one thing more , said mr . lorry , laying stress upon it as a wholesome means of enforcing her attention he has been found under another name his own , long forgotten or long concealed . it would be worse than useless now to inquire which worse than useless to seek to know whether he has been for years overlooked , or always designedly held prisoner . it would be worse than useless now to make any inquiries , because it would be dangerous . better not to mention the subject , anywhere or in any way , and to remove him  a while at all events  of france . even i , safe as an englishman , and even tellsons , important as they are to french credit , avoid all naming of the matter . i carry about me , not a scrap of writing openly referring to it . this is a secret service altogether . my credentials , entries , and memoranda , are all comprehended in the one line , recalled to life which may mean anything . but what is the matter . she doesnt notice a word . miss manette . perfectly still and silent , and not even fallen back in her chair , she sat under his hand , utterly insensible with her eyes open and fixed upon him , and with that last expression looking as if it were carved or branded into her forehead . so close was her hold upon his arm , that he feared to detach himself lest he should hurt her therefore he called out loudly for assistance without moving . a wild looking woman , whom even in his agitation , mr . lorry observed to be all of a red colour , and to have red hair , and to be dressed in some extraordinary tight fitting fashion , and to have on her head a most wonderful bonnet like a grenadier wooden measure , and good measure too , or a great stilton cheese , came running into the room in advance of the inn servants , and soon settled the question of his detachment from the poor young lady , by laying a brawny hand upon his chest , and sending him flying back against the nearest wall . i really think this must be a man . was mr . lorrys breathless reflection , simultaneously with his coming against the wall . why , look at you all . bawled this figure , addressing the inn servants . why dont you go and fetch things , instead of standing there staring at me . i am not so much to look at , am i . why dont you go and fetch things . ill let you know , if you dont bring smelling salts, , cold water , and vinegar , quick , i will . there was an immediate dispersal for these restoratives , and she softly laid the patient on a sofa , and tended her with great skill and gentleness calling her my precious . and my bird . and spreading her golden hair aside over her shoulders with great pride and care . and you in brown . she said , indignantly turning to mr . lorry couldnt you tell her what you had to tell her , without frightening her to death . look at her , with her pretty pale face and her cold hands . do you call that being a banker . mr . lorry was so exceedingly disconcerted by a question so hard to answer , that he could only look on , at a distance , with much feebler sympathy and humility , while the strong woman , having banished the inn servants under the mysterious penalty of letting them know something not mentioned if they stayed there , staring , recovered her charge by a regular series of gradations , and coaxed her to lay her drooping head upon her shoulder . i hope she will do well now , said mr . lorry . no thanks to you in brown , if she does . my darling pretty . i hope , said mr . lorry , after another pause of feeble sympathy and humility , that you accompany miss manette to france . a likely thing , too . replied the strong woman . if it was ever intended that i should go across salt water , do you suppose providence would have cast my lot in an island . this being another question hard to answer , mr . jarvis lorry withdrew to consider it . v . the wine shop a large cask of wine had been dropped and broken , in the street . the accident had happened in getting it out of a cart the cask had tumbled out with a run , the hoops had burst , and it lay on the stones just outside the door of the wine shop, , shattered like a walnut shell . all the people within reach had suspended their business , or their idleness , to run to the spot and drink the wine . the rough , irregular stones of the street , pointing every way , and designed , one might have thought , expressly to lame all living creatures that approached them , had dammed it into little pools these were surrounded , each by its own jostling group or crowd , according to its size . some men kneeled down , made scoops of their two hands joined , and sipped , or tried to help women , who bent over their shoulders , to sip , before the wine had all run out between their fingers . others , men and women , dipped in the puddles with little mugs of mutilated earthenware , or even with handkerchiefs from womens heads , which were squeezed dry into infants mouths others made small mud embankments, , to stem the wine as it ran others , directed by lookers on up at high windows , darted here and there , to cut off little streams of wine that started away in new directions others devoted themselves to the sodden and lee dyed pieces of the cask , licking , and even champing the moister wine rotted fragments with eager relish . there was no drainage to carry off the wine , and not only did it all get taken up , but so much mud got taken up along with it , that there might have been a scavenger in the street , if anybody acquainted with it could have believed in such a miraculous presence . a shrill sound of laughter and of amused voices  of men , women , and children  in the street while this wine game lasted . there was little roughness in the sport , and much playfulness . there was a special companionship in it , an observable inclination on the part of every one to join some other one , which led , especially among the luckier or lighter hearted, , to frolicsome embraces , drinking of healths , shaking of hands , and even joining of hands and dancing , a dozen together . when the wine was gone , and the places where it had been most abundant were raked into a gridiron pattern by fingers , these demonstrations ceased , as suddenly as they had broken out . the man who had left his saw sticking in the firewood he was cutting , set it in motion again the women who had left on a door step the little pot of hot ashes , at which she had been trying to soften the pain in her own starved fingers and toes , or in those of her child , returned to it men with bare arms , matted locks , and cadaverous faces , who had emerged into the winter light from cellars , moved away , to descend again and a gloom gathered on the scene that appeared more natural to it than sunshine . the wine was red wine , and had stained the ground of the narrow street in the suburb of saint antoine , in paris , where it was spilled . it had stained many hands , too , and many faces , and many naked feet , and many wooden shoes . the hands of the man who sawed the wood , left red marks on the billets and the forehead of the woman who nursed her baby , was stained with the stain of the old rag she wound about her head again . those who had been greedy with the staves of the cask , had acquired a tigerish smear about the mouth and one tall joker so besmirched , his head more out of a long squalid bag of a nightcap than in it , scrawled upon a wall with his finger dipped in muddy wine lees . the time was to come , when that wine too would be spilled on the street stones, , and when the stain of it would be red upon many there . and now that the cloud settled on saint antoine , which a momentary gleam had driven from his sacred countenance , the darkness of it was heavy  , dirt , sickness , ignorance , and want , were the lords in waiting on the saintly presence  of great power all of them but , most especially the last . samples of a people that had undergone a terrible grinding and regrinding in the mill , and certainly not in the fabulous mill which ground old people young , shivered at every corner , passed in and out at every doorway , looked from every window , fluttered in every vestige of a garment that the wind shook . the mill which had worked them down , was the mill that grinds young people old the children had ancient faces and grave voices and upon them , and upon the grown faces , and ploughed into every furrow of age and coming up afresh , was the sigh , hunger . it was prevalent everywhere . hunger was pushed out of the tall houses , in the wretched clothing that hung upon poles and lines hunger was patched into them with straw and rag and wood and paper hunger was repeated in every fragment of the small modicum of firewood that the man sawed off hunger stared down from the smokeless chimneys , and started up from the filthy street that had no offal , among its refuse , of anything to eat . hunger was the inscription on the bakers shelves , written in every small loaf of his scanty stock of bad bread at the sausage shop, , in every dead dog preparation that was offered for sale . hunger rattled its dry bones among the roasting chestnuts in the turned cylinder hunger was shred into atomics in every farthing porringer of husky chips of potato , fried with some reluctant drops of oil . its abiding place was in all things fitted to it . a narrow winding street , full of offence and stench , with other narrow winding streets diverging , all peopled by rags and nightcaps , and all smelling of rags and nightcaps , and all visible things with a brooding look upon them that looked ill . in the hunted air of the people there was yet some wild beast thought of the possibility of turning at bay . depressed and slinking though they were , eyes of fire were not wanting among them nor compressed lips , white with what they suppressed nor foreheads knitted into the likeness of the gallows rope they mused about enduring , or inflicting . the trade signs were , all , grim illustrations of want . the butcher and the porkman painted up , only the leanest scrags of meat the baker , the coarsest of meagre loaves . the people rudely pictured as drinking in the wine shops, , croaked over their scanty measures of thin wine and beer , and were gloweringly confidential together . nothing was represented in a flourishing condition , save tools and weapons but , the cutlers knives and axes were sharp and bright , the smiths hammers were heavy , and the gunmakers stock was murderous . the crippling stones of the pavement , with their many little reservoirs of mud and water , had no footways , but broke off abruptly at the doors . the kennel , to make amends , ran down the middle of the street  it ran at all which was only after heavy rains , and then it ran , by many eccentric fits , into the houses . across the streets , at wide intervals , one clumsy lamp was slung by a rope and pulley at night , when the lamplighter had let these down , and lighted , and hoisted them again , a feeble grove of dim wicks swung in a sickly manner overhead , as if they were at sea . indeed they were at sea , and the ship and crew were in peril of tempest . for , the time was to come , when the gaunt scarecrows of that region should have watched the lamplighter , in their idleness and hunger , so long , as to conceive the idea of improving on his method , and hauling up men by those ropes and pulleys , to flare upon the darkness of their condition . but , the time was not come yet and every wind that blew over france shook the rags of the scarecrows in vain , for the birds , fine of song and feather , took no warning . the wine shop was a corner shop , better than most others in its appearance and degree , and the master of the wine shop had stood outside it , in a yellow waistcoat and green breeches , looking on at the struggle for the lost wine . its not my affair , said he , with a final shrug of the shoulders . the people from the market did it . let them bring another . there , his eyes happening to catch the tall joker writing up his joke , he called to him across the way say , then , my gaspard , what do you do there . the fellow pointed to his joke with immense significance , as is often the way with his tribe . it missed its mark , and completely failed , as is often the way with his tribe too . what now . are you a subject for the mad hospital . said the wine shop keeper , crossing the road , and obliterating the jest with a handful of mud , picked up for the purpose , and smeared over it . why do you write in the public streets . is there  me thou  there no other place to write such words in . in his expostulation he dropped his cleaner hand perhaps accidentally , perhaps not upon the jokers heart . the joker rapped it with his own , took a nimble spring upward , and came down in a fantastic dancing attitude , with one of his stained shoes jerked off his foot into his hand , and held out . a joker of an extremely , not to say wolfishly practical character , he looked , under those circumstances . put it on , put it on , said the other . call wine , and finish there . with that advice , he wiped his soiled hand upon the jokers dress , such as it was  deliberately , as having dirtied the hand on his account and then recrossed the road and entered the wine shop . this wine shop keeper was a bull necked, , martial looking man of thirty , and he should have been of a hot temperament , for , although it was a bitter day , he wore no coat , but carried one slung over his shoulder . his shirt sleeves were rolled up , too , and his brown arms were bare to the elbows . neither did he wear anything more on his head than his own crisply curling short dark hair . he was a dark man altogether , with good eyes and a good bold breadth between them . good humoured looking on the whole , but implacable looking, , too evidently a man of a strong resolution and a set purpose a man not desirable to be met , rushing down a narrow pass with a gulf on either side , for nothing would turn the man . madame defarge , his wife , sat in the shop behind the counter as he came in . madame defarge was a stout woman of about his own age , with a watchful eye that seldom seemed to look at anything , a large hand heavily ringed , a steady face , strong features , and great composure of manner . there was a character about madame defarge , from which one might have predicated that she did not often make mistakes against herself in any of the reckonings over which she presided . madame defarge being sensitive to cold , was wrapped in fur , and had a quantity of bright shawl twined about her head , though not to the concealment of her large earrings . her knitting was before her , but she had laid it down to pick her teeth with a toothpick . thus engaged , with her right elbow supported by her left hand , madame defarge said nothing when her lord came in , but coughed just one grain of cough . this , in combination with the lifting of her darkly defined eyebrows over her toothpick by the breadth of a line , suggested to her husband that he would do well to look round the shop among the customers , for any new customer who had dropped in while he stepped over the way . the wine shop keeper accordingly rolled his eyes about , until they rested upon an elderly gentleman and a young lady , who were seated in a corner . other company were there two playing cards , two playing dominoes , three standing by the counter lengthening out a short supply of wine . as he passed behind the counter , he took notice that the elderly gentleman said in a look to the young lady , this is our man . what the devil do you do in that galley there . said monsieur defarge to himself i dont know you . but , he feigned not to notice the two strangers , and fell into discourse with the triumvirate of customers who were drinking at the counter . how goes it , jacques . said one of these three to monsieur defarge . is all the spilt wine swallowed . every drop , jacques , answered monsieur defarge . when this interchange of christian name was effected , madame defarge , picking her teeth with her toothpick , coughed another grain of cough , and raised her eyebrows by the breadth of another line . it is not often , said the second of the three , addressing monsieur defarge , that many of these miserable beasts know the taste of wine , or of anything but black bread and death . is it not so , jacques . it is so , jacques , monsieur defarge returned . at this second interchange of the christian name , madame defarge , still using her toothpick with profound composure , coughed another grain of cough , and raised her eyebrows by the breadth of another line . the last of the three now said his say , as he put down his empty drinking vessel and smacked his lips . ah . so much the worse . a bitter taste it is that such poor cattle always have in their mouths , and hard lives they live , jacques . am i right , jacques . you are right , jacques , was the response of monsieur defarge . this third interchange of the christian name was completed at the moment when madame defarge put her toothpick by , kept her eyebrows up , and slightly rustled in her seat . hold then . true . muttered her husband . gentlemen  wife . the three customers pulled off their hats to madame defarge , with three flourishes . she acknowledged their homage by bending her head , and giving them a quick look . then she glanced in a casual manner round the wine shop, , took up her knitting with great apparent calmness and repose of spirit , and became absorbed in it . gentlemen , said her husband , who had kept his bright eye observantly upon her , good day . the chamber , furnished bachelor fashion, , that you wished to see , and were inquiring for when i stepped out , is on the fifth floor . the doorway of the staircase gives on the little courtyard close to the left here , pointing with his hand , near to the window of my establishment . but , now that i remember , one of you has already been there , and can show the way . gentlemen , adieu . they paid for their wine , and left the place . the eyes of monsieur defarge were studying his wife at her knitting when the elderly gentleman advanced from his corner , and begged the favour of a word . willingly , sir , said monsieur defarge , and quietly stepped with him to the door . their conference was very short , but very decided . almost at the first word , monsieur defarge started and became deeply attentive . it had not lasted a minute , when he nodded and went out . the gentleman then beckoned to the young lady , and they , too , went out . madame defarge knitted with nimble fingers and steady eyebrows , and saw nothing . mr . jarvis lorry and miss manette , emerging from the wine shop thus , joined monsieur defarge in the doorway to which he had directed his own company just before . it opened from a stinking little black courtyard , and was the general public entrance to a great pile of houses , inhabited by a great number of people . in the gloomy tile paved entry to the gloomy tile paved staircase , monsieur defarge bent down on one knee to the child of his old master , and put her hand to his lips . it was a gentle action , but not at all gently done a very remarkable transformation had come over him in a few seconds . he had no good humour in his face , nor any openness of aspect left , but had become a secret , angry , dangerous man . it is very high it is a little difficult . better to begin slowly . thus , monsieur defarge , in a stern voice , to mr . lorry , as they began ascending the stairs . is he alone . the latter whispered . alone . god help him , who should be with him . said the other , in the same low voice . is he always alone , then . yes . of his own desire . of his own necessity . as he was , when i first saw him after they found me and demanded to know if i would take him , and , at my peril be discreet  he was then , so he is now . he is greatly changed . changed . the keeper of the wine shop stopped to strike the wall with his hand , and mutter a tremendous curse . no direct answer could have been half so forcible . mr . lorrys spirits grew heavier and heavier , as he and his two companions ascended higher and higher . such a staircase , with its accessories , in the older and more crowded parts of paris , would be bad enough now but , at that time , it was vile indeed to unaccustomed and unhardened senses . every little habitation within the great foul nest of one high building  is to say , the room or rooms within every door that opened on the general staircase  its own heap of refuse on its own landing , besides flinging other refuse from its own windows . the uncontrollable and hopeless mass of decomposition so engendered , would have polluted the air , even if poverty and deprivation had not loaded it with their intangible impurities the two bad sources combined made it almost insupportable . through such an atmosphere , by a steep dark shaft of dirt and poison , the way lay . yielding to his own disturbance of mind , and to his young companions agitation , which became greater every instant , mr . jarvis lorry twice stopped to rest . each of these stoppages was made at a doleful grating , by which any languishing good airs that were left uncorrupted , seemed to escape , and all spoilt and sickly vapours seemed to crawl in . through the rusted bars , tastes , rather than glimpses , were caught of the jumbled neighbourhood and nothing within range , nearer or lower than the summits of the two great towers of notre dame, , had any promise on it of healthy life or wholesome aspirations . at last , the top of the staircase was gained , and they stopped for the third time . there was yet an upper staircase , of a steeper inclination and of contracted dimensions , to be ascended , before the garret story was reached . the keeper of the wine shop, , always going a little in advance , and always going on the side which mr . lorry took , as though he dreaded to be asked any question by the young lady , turned himself about here , and , carefully feeling in the pockets of the coat he carried over his shoulder , took out a key . the door is locked then , my friend . said mr . lorry , surprised . ay . yes , was the grim reply of monsieur defarge . you think it necessary to keep the unfortunate gentleman so retired . i think it necessary to turn the key . monsieur defarge whispered it closer in his ear , and frowned heavily . why . why . because he has lived so long , locked up , that he would be frightened  himself to pieces  to i know not what harm  his door was left open . is it possible . exclaimed mr . lorry . is it possible . repeated defarge , bitterly . yes . and a beautiful world we live in , when it is possible , and when many other such things are possible , and not only possible , but done  , see you . that sky there , every day . long live the devil . let us go on . this dialogue had been held in so very low a whisper , that not a word of it had reached the young ladys ears . but , by this time she trembled under such strong emotion , and her face expressed such deep anxiety , and , above all , such dread and terror , that mr . lorry felt it incumbent on him to speak a word or two of reassurance . courage , dear miss . courage . business . the worst will be over in a moment it is but passing the room door, , and the worst is over . then , all the good you bring to him , all the relief , all the happiness you bring to him , begin . let our good friend here , assist you on that side . thats well , friend defarge . come , now . business , . they went up slowly and softly . the staircase was short , and they were soon at the top . there , as it had an abrupt turn in it , they came all at once in sight of three men , whose heads were bent down close together at the side of a door , and who were intently looking into the room to which the door belonged , through some chinks or holes in the wall . on hearing footsteps close at hand , these three turned , and rose , and showed themselves to be the three of one name who had been drinking in the wine shop . i forgot them in the surprise of your visit , explained monsieur defarge . leave us , good boys we have business here . the three glided by , and went silently down . there appearing to be no other door on that floor , and the keeper of the wine shop going straight to this one when they were left alone , mr . lorry asked him in a whisper , with a little anger do you make a show of monsieur manette . i show him , in the way you have seen , to a chosen few . is that well . i think it is well . who are the few . how do you choose them . i choose them as real men , of my name  is my name  whom the sight is likely to do good . enough you are english that is another thing . stay there , if you please , a little moment . with an admonitory gesture to keep them back , he stooped , and looked in through the crevice in the wall . soon raising his head again , he struck twice or thrice upon the door  with no other object than to make a noise there . with the same intention , he drew the key across it , three or four times , before he put it clumsily into the lock , and turned it as heavily as he could . the door slowly opened inward under his hand , and he looked into the room and said something . a faint voice answered something . little more than a single syllable could have been spoken on either side . he looked back over his shoulder , and beckoned them to enter . mr . lorry got his arm securely round the daughters waist , and held her for he felt that she was sinking . a a , business . he urged , with a moisture that was not of business shining on his cheek . come in , come in . i am afraid of it , she answered , shuddering . of it . what . i mean of him . of my father . rendered in a manner desperate , by her state and by the beckoning of their conductor , he drew over his neck the arm that shook upon his shoulder , lifted her a little , and hurried her into the room . he sat her down just within the door , and held her , clinging to him . defarge drew out the key , closed the door , locked it on the inside , took out the key again , and held it in his hand . all this he did , methodically , and with as loud and harsh an accompaniment of noise as he could make . finally , he walked across the room with a measured tread to where the window was . he stopped there , and faced round . the garret , built to be a depository for firewood and the like , was dim and dark for , the window of dormer shape , was in truth a door in the roof , with a little crane over it for the hoisting up of stores from the street unglazed , and closing up the middle in two pieces , like any other door of french construction . to exclude the cold , one half of this door was fast closed , and the other was opened but a very little way . such a scanty portion of light was admitted through these means , that it was difficult , on first coming in , to see anything and long habit alone could have slowly formed in any one , the ability to do any work requiring nicety in such obscurity . yet , work of that kind was being done in the garret for , with his back towards the door , and his face towards the window where the keeper of the wine shop stood looking at him , a white haired man sat on a low bench , stooping forward and very busy , making shoes . vi . the shoemaker good day . said monsieur defarge , looking down at the white head that bent low over the shoemaking . it was raised for a moment , and a very faint voice responded to the salutation , as if it were at a distance good day . you are still hard at work , i see . after a long silence , the head was lifted for another moment , and the voice replied , yes  am working . this time , a pair of haggard eyes had looked at the questioner , before the face had dropped again . the faintness of the voice was pitiable and dreadful . it was not the faintness of physical weakness , though confinement and hard fare no doubt had their part in it . its deplorable peculiarity was , that it was the faintness of solitude and disuse . it was like the last feeble echo of a sound made long and long ago . so entirely had it lost the life and resonance of the human voice , that it affected the senses like a once beautiful colour faded away into a poor weak stain . so sunken and suppressed it was , that it was like a voice underground . so expressive it was , of a hopeless and lost creature , that a famished traveller , wearied out by lonely wandering in a wilderness , would have remembered home and friends in such a tone before lying down to die . some minutes of silent work had passed and the haggard eyes had looked up again not with any interest or curiosity , but with a dull mechanical perception , beforehand , that the spot where the only visitor they were aware of had stood , was not yet empty . i want , said defarge , who had not removed his gaze from the shoemaker , to let in a little more light here . you can bear a little more . the shoemaker stopped his work looked with a vacant air of listening , at the floor on one side of him then similarly , at the floor on the other side of him then , upward at the speaker . what did you say . you can bear a little more light . i must bear it , if you let it in . laying the palest shadow of a stress upon the second word . the opened half door was opened a little further , and secured at that angle for the time . a broad ray of light fell into the garret , and showed the workman with an unfinished shoe upon his lap , pausing in his labour . his few common tools and various scraps of leather were at his feet and on his bench . he had a white beard , raggedly cut , but not very long , a hollow face , and exceedingly bright eyes . the hollowness and thinness of his face would have caused them to look large , under his yet dark eyebrows and his confused white hair , though they had been really otherwise but , they were naturally large , and looked unnaturally so . his yellow rags of shirt lay open at the throat , and showed his body to be withered and worn . he , and his old canvas frock , and his loose stockings , and all his poor tatters of clothes , had , in a long seclusion from direct light and air , faded down to such a dull uniformity of parchment yellow, , that it would have been hard to say which was which . he had put up a hand between his eyes and the light , and the very bones of it seemed transparent . so he sat , with a steadfastly vacant gaze , pausing in his work . he never looked at the figure before him , without first looking down on this side of himself , then on that , as if he had lost the habit of associating place with sound he never spoke , without first wandering in this manner , and forgetting to speak . are you going to finish that pair of shoes to day . asked defarge , motioning to mr . lorry to come forward . what did you say . do you mean to finish that pair of shoes to day . i cant say that i mean to . i suppose so . i dont know . but , the question reminded him of his work , and he bent over it again . mr . lorry came silently forward , leaving the daughter by the door . when he had stood , for a minute or two , by the side of defarge , the shoemaker looked up . he showed no surprise at seeing another figure , but the unsteady fingers of one of his hands strayed to his lips as he looked at it and then the hand dropped to his work , and he once more bent over the shoe . the look and the action had occupied but an instant . you have a visitor , you see , said monsieur defarge . what did you say . here is a visitor . the shoemaker looked up as before , but without removing a hand from his work . come . said defarge . here is monsieur , who knows a well made shoe when he sees one . show him that shoe you are working at . take it , monsieur . mr . lorry took it in his hand . tell monsieur what kind of shoe it is , and the makers name . there was a longer pause than usual , before the shoemaker replied i forget what it was you asked me . what did you say . i said , couldnt you describe the kind of shoe , for monsieurs information . it is a ladys shoe . it is a young ladys walking shoe . it is in the present mode . i never saw the mode . i have had a pattern in my hand . he glanced at the shoe with some little passing touch of pride . and the makers name . said defarge . now that he had no work to hold , he laid the knuckles of the right hand in the hollow of the left , and then the knuckles of the left hand in the hollow of the right , and then passed a hand across his bearded chin , and so on in regular changes , without a moments intermission . the task of recalling him from the vagrancy into which he always sank when he had spoken , was like recalling some very weak person from a swoon , or endeavouring , in the hope of some disclosure , to stay the spirit of a fast dying man . did you ask me for my name . assuredly i did . one hundred and five , north tower . is that all . one hundred and five , north tower . with a weary sound that was not a sigh , nor a groan , he bent to work again , until the silence was again broken . you are not a shoemaker by trade . said mr . lorry , looking steadfastly at him . his haggard eyes turned to defarge as if he would have transferred the question to him but as no help came from that quarter , they turned back on the questioner when they had sought the ground . i am not a shoemaker by trade . no , i was not a shoemaker by trade . i i learnt it here . i taught myself . i asked leave to  he lapsed away , even for minutes , ringing those measured changes on his hands the whole time . his eyes came slowly back , at last , to the face from which they had wandered when they rested on it , he started , and resumed , in the manner of a sleeper that moment awake , reverting to a subject of last night . i asked leave to teach myself , and i got it with much difficulty after a long while , and i have made shoes ever since . as he held out his hand for the shoe that had been taken from him , mr . lorry said , still looking steadfastly in his face monsieur manette , do you remember nothing of me . the shoe dropped to the ground , and he sat looking fixedly at the questioner . monsieur manette mr . lorry laid his hand upon defarges arm do you remember nothing of this man . look at him . look at me . is there no old banker , no old business , no old servant , no old time , rising in your mind , monsieur manette . as the captive of many years sat looking fixedly , by turns , at mr . lorry and at defarge , some long obliterated marks of an actively intent intelligence in the middle of the forehead , gradually forced themselves through the black mist that had fallen on him . they were overclouded again , they were fainter , they were gone but they had been there . and so exactly was the expression repeated on the fair young face of her who had crept along the wall to a point where she could see him , and where she now stood looking at him , with hands which at first had been only raised in frightened compassion , if not even to keep him off and shut out the sight of him , but which were now extending towards him , trembling with eagerness to lay the spectral face upon her warm young breast , and love it back to life and hope  exactly was the expression repeated on her fair young face , that it looked as though it had passed like a moving light , from him to her . darkness had fallen on him in its place . he looked at the two , less and less attentively , and his eyes in gloomy abstraction sought the ground and looked about him in the old way . finally , with a deep long sigh , he took the shoe up , and resumed his work . have you recognised him , monsieur . asked defarge in a whisper . yes for a moment . at first i thought it quite hopeless , but i have unquestionably seen , for a single moment , the face that i once knew so well . hush . let us draw further back . hush . she had moved from the wall of the garret , very near to the bench on which he sat . there was something awful in his unconsciousness of the figure that could have put out its hand and touched him as he stooped over his labour . not a word was spoken , not a sound was made . she stood , like a spirit , beside him , and he bent over his work . it happened , at length , that he had occasion to change the instrument in his hand , for his shoemakers knife . it lay on that side of him which was not the side on which she stood . he had taken it up , and was stooping to work again , when his eyes caught the skirt of her dress . he raised them , and saw her face . the two spectators started forward , but she stayed them with a motion of her hand . she had no fear of his striking at her with the knife , though they had . he stared at her with a fearful look , and after a while his lips began to form some words , though no sound proceeded from them . by degrees , in the pauses of his quick and laboured breathing , he was heard to say what is this . with the tears streaming down her face , she put her two hands to her lips , and kissed them to him then clasped them on her breast , as if she laid his ruined head there . you are not the gaolers daughter . she sighed no . who are you . not yet trusting the tones of her voice , she sat down on the bench beside him . he recoiled , but she laid her hand upon his arm . a strange thrill struck him when she did so , and visibly passed over his frame he laid the knife down softly , as he sat staring at her . her golden hair , which she wore in long curls , had been hurriedly pushed aside , and fell down over her neck . advancing his hand by little and little , he took it up and looked at it . in the midst of the action he went astray , and , with another deep sigh , fell to work at his shoemaking . but not for long . releasing his arm , she laid her hand upon his shoulder . after looking doubtfully at it , two or three times , as if to be sure that it was really there , he laid down his work , put his hand to his neck , and took off a blackened string with a scrap of folded rag attached to it . he opened this , carefully , on his knee , and it contained a very little quantity of hair not more than one or two long golden hairs , which he had , in some old day , wound off upon his finger . he took her hair into his hand again , and looked closely at it . it is the same . how can it be . when was it . how was it . as the concentrated expression returned to his forehead , he seemed to become conscious that it was in hers too . he turned her full to the light , and looked at her . she had laid her head upon my shoulder , that night when i was summoned out  had a fear of my going , though i had none  when i was brought to the north tower they found these upon my sleeve . you will leave me them . they can never help me to escape in the body , though they may in the spirit . those were the words i said . i remember them very well . he formed this speech with his lips many times before he could utter it . but when he did find spoken words for it , they came to him coherently , though slowly . how was this . it you . once more , the two spectators started , as he turned upon her with a frightful suddenness . but she sat perfectly still in his grasp , and only said , in a low voice , i entreat you , good gentlemen , do not come near us , do not speak , do not move . hark . he exclaimed . whose voice was that . his hands released her as he uttered this cry , and went up to his white hair , which they tore in a frenzy . it died out , as everything but his shoemaking did die out of him , and he refolded his little packet and tried to secure it in his breast but he still looked at her , and gloomily shook his head . no , you are too young , too blooming . it cant be . see what the prisoner is . these are not the hands she knew , this is not the face she knew , this is not a voice she ever heard . no , . she was  he was  the slow years of the north tower  ago . what is your name , my gentle angel . hailing his softened tone and manner , his daughter fell upon her knees before him , with her appealing hands upon his breast . o , sir , at another time you shall know my name , and who my mother was , and who my father , and how i never knew their hard , history . but i cannot tell you at this time , and i cannot tell you here . all that i may tell you , here and now , is , that i pray to you to touch me and to bless me . kiss me , kiss me . o my dear , my dear . his cold white head mingled with her radiant hair , which warmed and lighted it as though it were the light of freedom shining on him . if you hear in my voice  dont know that it is so , but i hope it is  you hear in my voice any resemblance to a voice that once was sweet music in your ears , weep for it , weep for it . if you touch , in touching my hair , anything that recalls a beloved head that lay on your breast when you were young and free , weep for it , weep for it . if , when i hint to you of a home that is before us , where i will be true to you with all my duty and with all my faithful service , i bring back the remembrance of a home long desolate , while your poor heart pined away , weep for it , weep for it . she held him closer round the neck , and rocked him on her breast like a child . if , when i tell you , dearest dear , that your agony is over , and that i have come here to take you from it , and that we go to england to be at peace and at rest , i cause you to think of your useful life laid waste , and of our native france so wicked to you , weep for it , weep for it . and if , when i shall tell you of my name , and of my father who is living , and of my mother who is dead , you learn that i have to kneel to my honoured father , and implore his pardon for having never for his sake striven all day and lain awake and wept all night , because the love of my poor mother hid his torture from me , weep for it , weep for it . weep for her , then , and for me . good gentlemen , thank god . i feel his sacred tears upon my face , and his sobs strike against my heart . o , see . thank god for us , thank god . he had sunk in her arms , and his face dropped on her breast a sight so touching , yet so terrible in the tremendous wrong and suffering which had gone before it , that the two beholders covered their faces . when the quiet of the garret had been long undisturbed , and his heaving breast and shaken form had long yielded to the calm that must follow all storms  to humanity , of the rest and silence into which the storm called life must hush at last  came forward to raise the father and daughter from the ground . he had gradually dropped to the floor , and lay there in a lethargy , worn out . she had nestled down with him , that his head might lie upon her arm and her hair drooping over him curtained him from the light . if , without disturbing him , she said , raising her hand to mr . lorry as he stooped over them , after repeated blowings of his nose , all could be arranged for our leaving paris at once , so that , from the very door , he could be taken away  but , consider . is he fit for the journey . asked mr . lorry . more fit for that , i think , than to remain in this city , so dreadful to him . it is true , said defarge , who was kneeling to look on and hear . more than that monsieur manette is , for all reasons , best out of france . say , shall i hire a carriage and post horses . thats business , said mr . lorry , resuming on the shortest notice his methodical manners and if business is to be done , i had better do it . then be so kind , urged miss manette , as to leave us here . you see how composed he has become , and you cannot be afraid to leave him with me now . why should you be . if you will lock the door to secure us from interruption , i do not doubt that you will find him , when you come back , as quiet as you leave him . in any case , i will take care of him until you return , and then we will remove him straight . both mr . lorry and defarge were rather disinclined to this course , and in favour of one of them remaining . but , as there were not only carriage and horses to be seen to , but travelling papers and as time pressed , for the day was drawing to an end , it came at last to their hastily dividing the business that was necessary to be done , and hurrying away to do it . then , as the darkness closed in , the daughter laid her head down on the hard ground close at the fathers side , and watched him . the darkness deepened and deepened , and they both lay quiet , until a light gleamed through the chinks in the wall . mr . lorry and monsieur defarge had made all ready for the journey , and had brought with them , besides travelling cloaks and wrappers , bread and meat , wine , and hot coffee . monsieur defarge put this provender , and the lamp he carried , on the shoemakers bench there was nothing else in the garret but a pallet bed , and he and mr . lorry roused the captive , and assisted him to his feet . no human intelligence could have read the mysteries of his mind , in the scared blank wonder of his face . whether he knew what had happened , whether he recollected what they had said to him , whether he knew that he was free , were questions which no sagacity could have solved . they tried speaking to him but , he was so confused , and so very slow to answer , that they took fright at his bewilderment , and agreed for the time to tamper with him no more . he had a wild , lost manner of occasionally clasping his head in his hands , that had not been seen in him before yet , he had some pleasure in the mere sound of his daughters voice , and invariably turned to it when she spoke . in the submissive way of one long accustomed to obey under coercion , he ate and drank what they gave him to eat and drink , and put on the cloak and other wrappings , that they gave him to wear . he readily responded to his daughters drawing her arm through his , and took  kept  hand in both his own . they began to descend monsieur defarge going first with the lamp , mr . lorry closing the little procession . they had not traversed many steps of the long main staircase when he stopped , and stared at the roof and round at the walls . you remember the place , my father . you remember coming up here . what did you say . but , before she could repeat the question , he murmured an answer as if she had repeated it . remember . no , i dont remember . it was so very long ago . that he had no recollection whatever of his having been brought from his prison to that house , was apparent to them . they heard him mutter , one hundred and five , north tower and when he looked about him , it evidently was for the strong fortress walls which had long encompassed him . on their reaching the courtyard he instinctively altered his tread , as being in expectation of a drawbridge and when there was no drawbridge , and he saw the carriage waiting in the open street , he dropped his daughters hand and clasped his head again . no crowd was about the door no people were discernible at any of the many windows not even a chance passerby was in the street . an unnatural silence and desertion reigned there . only one soul was to be seen , and that was madame defarge  leaned against the door post, , knitting , and saw nothing . the prisoner had got into a coach , and his daughter had followed him , when mr . lorrys feet were arrested on the step by his asking , miserably , for his shoemaking tools and the unfinished shoes . madame defarge immediately called to her husband that she would get them , and went , knitting , out of the lamplight , through the courtyard . she quickly brought them down and handed them in  immediately afterwards leaned against the door post, , knitting , and saw nothing . defarge got upon the box , and gave the word to the barrier . the postilion cracked his whip , and they clattered away under the feeble over swinging lamps . under the over swinging lamps  ever brighter in the better streets , and ever dimmer in the worse  by lighted shops , gay crowds , illuminated coffee houses, , and theatre doors, , to one of the city gates . soldiers with lanterns , at the guard house there . your papers , travellers . see here then , monsieur the officer , said defarge , getting down , and taking him gravely apart , these are the papers of monsieur inside , with the white head . they were consigned to me , with him , at the  he dropped his voice , there was a flutter among the military lanterns , and one of them being handed into the coach by an arm in uniform , the eyes connected with the arm looked , not an every day or an every night look , at monsieur with the white head . it is well . forward . from the uniform . adieu . from defarge . and so , under a short grove of feebler and feebler over swinging lamps , out under the great grove of stars . beneath that arch of unmoved and eternal lights some , so remote from this little earth that the learned tell us it is doubtful whether their rays have even yet discovered it , as a point in space where anything is suffered or done the shadows of the night were broad and black . all through the cold and restless interval , until dawn , they once more whispered in the ears of mr . jarvis lorry  opposite the buried man who had been dug out , and wondering what subtle powers were for ever lost to him , and what were capable of restoration  old inquiry i hope you care to be recalled to life . and the old answer i cant say . the end of the first book . book the second  golden thread i . five years later tellsons bank by temple bar was an old fashioned place , even in the year one thousand seven hundred and eighty . it was very small , very dark , very ugly , very incommodious . it was an old fashioned place , moreover , in the moral attribute that the partners in the house were proud of its smallness , proud of its darkness , proud of its ugliness , proud of its incommodiousness . they were even boastful of its eminence in those particulars , and were fired by an express conviction that , if it were less objectionable , it would be less respectable . this was no passive belief , but an active weapon which they flashed at more convenient places of business . tellsons wanted no elbow room, , tellsons wanted no light , tellsons wanted no embellishment . noakes and co . s might , or snooks brothers might but tellsons , thank heaven  . any one of these partners would have disinherited his son on the question of rebuilding tellsons . in this respect the house was much on a par with the country which did very often disinherit its sons for suggesting improvements in laws and customs that had long been highly objectionable , but were only the more respectable . thus it had come to pass , that tellsons was the triumphant perfection of inconvenience . after bursting open a door of idiotic obstinacy with a weak rattle in its throat , you fell into tellsons down two steps , and came to your senses in a miserable little shop , with two little counters , where the oldest of men made your cheque shake as if the wind rustled it , while they examined the signature by the dingiest of windows , which were always under a shower bath of mud from fleet street, , and which were made the dingier by their own iron bars proper , and the heavy shadow of temple bar . if your business necessitated your seeing the house , you were put into a species of condemned hold at the back , where you meditated on a misspent life , until the house came with its hands in its pockets , and you could hardly blink at it in the dismal twilight . your money came out of , or went into , wormy old wooden drawers , particles of which flew up your nose and down your throat when they were opened and shut . your bank notes had a musty odour , as if they were fast decomposing into rags again . your plate was stowed away among the neighbouring cesspools , and evil communications corrupted its good polish in a day or two . your deeds got into extemporised strong rooms made of kitchens and sculleries , and fretted all the fat out of their parchments into the banking house air . your lighter boxes of family papers went up stairs into a barmecide room , that always had a great dining table in it and never had a dinner , and where , even in the year one thousand seven hundred and eighty , the first letters written to you by your old love , or by your little children , were but newly released from the horror of being ogled through the windows , by the heads exposed on temple bar with an insensate brutality and ferocity worthy of abyssinia or ashantee . but indeed , at that time , putting to death was a recipe much in vogue with all trades and professions , and not least of all with tellsons . death is natures remedy for all things , and why not legislations . accordingly , the forger was put to death the utterer of a bad note was put to death the unlawful opener of a letter was put to death the purloiner of forty shillings and sixpence was put to death the holder of a horse at tellsons door , who made off with it , was put to death the coiner of a bad shilling was put to death the sounders of three fourths of the notes in the whole gamut of crime , were put to death . not that it did the least good in the way of prevention  might almost have been worth remarking that the fact was exactly the reverse  , it cleared off the trouble of each particular case , and left nothing else connected with it to be looked after . thus , tellsons , in its day , like greater places of business , its contemporaries , had taken so many lives , that , if the heads laid low before it had been ranged on temple bar instead of being privately disposed of , they would probably have excluded what little light the ground floor had , in a rather significant manner . cramped in all kinds of dim cupboards and hutches at tellsons , the oldest of men carried on the business gravely . when they took a young man into tellsons london house , they hid him somewhere till he was old . they kept him in a dark place , like a cheese , until he had the full tellson flavour and blue mould upon him . then only was he permitted to be seen , spectacularly poring over large books , and casting his breeches and gaiters into the general weight of the establishment . outside tellsons  by any means in it , unless called in  an odd job , an occasional porter and messenger , who served as the live sign of the house . he was never absent during business hours , unless upon an errand , and then he was represented by his son a grisly urchin of twelve , who was his express image . people understood that tellsons , in a stately way , tolerated the odd job . the house had always tolerated some person in that capacity , and time and tide had drifted this person to the post . his surname was cruncher , and on the youthful occasion of his renouncing by proxy the works of darkness , in the easterly parish church of hounsditch , he had received the added appellation of jerry . the scene was mr . crunchers private lodging in hanging sword , whitefriars the time , half past seven of the clock on a windy march morning , anno domini seventeen hundred and eighty . mr . cruncher himself always spoke of the year of our lord as anna dominoes apparently under the impression that the christian era dated from the invention of a popular game , by a lady who had bestowed her name upon it . mr . crunchers apartments were not in a savoury neighbourhood , and were but two in number , even if a closet with a single pane of glass in it might be counted as one . but they were very decently kept . early as it was , on the windy march morning , the room in which he lay abed was already scrubbed throughout and between the cups and saucers arranged for breakfast , and the lumbering deal table , a very clean white cloth was spread . mr . cruncher reposed under a patchwork counterpane , like a harlequin at home . at first , he slept heavily , but , by degrees , began to roll and surge in bed , until he rose above the surface , with his spiky hair looking as if it must tear the sheets to ribbons . at which juncture , he exclaimed , in a voice of dire exasperation bust me , if she aint at it agin . a woman of orderly and industrious appearance rose from her knees in a corner , with sufficient haste and trepidation to show that she was the person referred to . what . said mr . cruncher , looking out of bed for a boot . youre at it agin , are you . after hailing the morn with this second salutation , he threw a boot at the woman as a third . it was a very muddy boot , and may introduce the odd circumstance connected with mr . crunchers domestic economy , that , whereas he often came home after banking hours with clean boots , he often got up next morning to find the same boots covered with clay . what , said mr . cruncher , varying his apostrophe after missing his mark  are you up to , aggerawayter . i was only saying my prayers . saying your prayers . youre a nice woman . what do you mean by flopping yourself down and praying agin me . i was not praying against you i was praying for you . you werent . and if you were , i wont be took the liberty with . here . your mothers a nice woman , young jerry , going a praying agin your fathers prosperity . youve got a dutiful mother , you have , my son . youve got a religious mother , you have , my boy going and flopping herself down , and praying that the bread and may be snatched out of the mouth of her only child . master cruncher took this very ill , and , turning to his mother , strongly deprecated any praying away of his personal board . and what do you suppose , you conceited female , said mr . cruncher , with unconscious inconsistency , that the worth of your prayers may be . name the price that you put your prayers at . they only come from the heart , jerry . they are worth no more than that . worth no more than that , repeated mr . cruncher . they aint worth much , then . whether or no , i wont be prayed agin , i tell you . i cant afford it . im not a going to be made unlucky by your sneaking . if you must go flopping yourself down , flop in favour of your husband and child , and not in opposition to em . if i had any but a unnatral wife , and this poor boy had any but a unnatral mother , i might have made some money last week instead of being counter prayed and countermined and religiously circumwented into the worst of luck . b u me . said mr . cruncher , who all this time had been putting on his clothes , if i aint , what with piety and one blowed thing and another , been choused this last week into as bad luck as ever a poor devil of a honest tradesman met with . young jerry , dress yourself , my boy , and while i clean my boots keep a eye upon your mother now and then , and if you see any signs of more flopping , give me a call . for , i tell you , here he addressed his wife once more , i wont be gone agin , in this manner . i am as rickety as a hackney coach, , im as sleepy as laudanum , my lines is strained to that degree that i shouldnt know , if it wasnt for the pain in em , which was me and which somebody else , yet im none the better for it in pocket and its my suspicion that youve been at it from morning to night to prevent me from being the better for it in pocket , and i wont put up with it , aggerawayter , and what do you say now . growling , in addition , such phrases as ah . yes . youre religious , too . you wouldnt put yourself in opposition to the interests of your husband and child , would you . not you . and throwing off other sarcastic sparks from the whirling grindstone of his indignation , mr . cruncher betook himself to his boot cleaning and his general preparation for business . in the meantime , his son , whose head was garnished with tenderer spikes , and whose young eyes stood close by one another , as his fathers did , kept the required watch upon his mother . he greatly disturbed that poor woman at intervals , by darting out of his sleeping closet , where he made his toilet , with a suppressed cry of you are going to flop , mother . father . and , after raising this fictitious alarm , darting in again with an undutiful grin . mr . crunchers temper was not at all improved when he came to his breakfast . he resented mrs . crunchers saying grace with particular animosity . now , aggerawayter . what are you up to . at it again . his wife explained that she had merely asked a blessing . dont do it . said mr . crunches looking about , as if he rather expected to see the loaf disappear under the efficacy of his wifes petitions . i aint a going to be blest out of house and home . i wont have my wittles blest off my table . keep still . exceedingly red eyed and grim , as if he had been up all night at a party which had taken anything but a convivial turn , jerry cruncher worried his breakfast rather than ate it , growling over it like any four footed inmate of a menagerie . towards nine oclock he smoothed his ruffled aspect , and , presenting as respectable and business like an exterior as he could overlay his natural self with , issued forth to the occupation of the day . it could scarcely be called a trade , in spite of his favourite description of himself as a honest tradesman . his stock consisted of a wooden stool , made out of a broken backed chair cut down , which stool , young jerry , walking at his fathers side , carried every morning to beneath the banking house window that was nearest temple bar where , with the addition of the first handful of straw that could be gleaned from any passing vehicle to keep the cold and wet from the odd job feet , it formed the encampment for the day . on this post of his , mr . cruncher was as well known to fleet street and the temple , as the bar itself  , was almost as in looking . encamped at a quarter before nine , in good time to touch his three cornered hat to the oldest of men as they passed in to tellsons , jerry took up his station on this windy march morning , with young jerry standing by him , when not engaged in making forays through the bar , to inflict bodily and mental injuries of an acute description on passing boys who were small enough for his amiable purpose . father and son , extremely like each other , looking silently on at the morning traffic in fleet street, , with their two heads as near to one another as the two eyes of each were , bore a considerable resemblance to a pair of monkeys . the resemblance was not lessened by the accidental circumstance , that the mature jerry bit and spat out straw , while the twinkling eyes of the youthful jerry were as restlessly watchful of him as of everything else in fleet street . the head of one of the regular indoor messengers attached to tellsons establishment was put through the door , and the word was given porter wanted . hooray , father . heres an early job to begin with . having thus given his parent god speed , young jerry seated himself on the stool , entered on his reversionary interest in the straw his father had been chewing , and cogitated . al ways rusty . his fingers is al ways rusty . muttered young jerry . where does my father get all that iron rust from . he dont get no iron rust here . ii . a sight you know the old bailey well , no doubt . said one of the oldest of clerks to jerry the messenger . ye es, , sir , returned jerry , in something of a dogged manner . i do know the bailey . just so . and you know mr . lorry . i know mr . lorry , sir , much better than i know the bailey . much better , said jerry , not unlike a reluctant witness at the establishment in question , than i , as a honest tradesman , wish to know the bailey . very well . find the door where the witnesses go in , and show the door keeper this note for mr . lorry . he will then let you in . into the court , sir . into the court . mr . crunchers eyes seemed to get a little closer to one another , and to interchange the inquiry , what do you think of this . am i to wait in the court , sir . he asked , as the result of that conference . i am going to tell you . the door keeper will pass the note to mr . lorry , and do you make any gesture that will attract mr . lorrys attention , and show him where you stand . then what you have to do , is , to remain there until he wants you . is that all , sir . thats all . he wishes to have a messenger at hand . this is to tell him you are there . as the ancient clerk deliberately folded and superscribed the note , mr . cruncher , after surveying him in silence until he came to the blotting paper stage , remarked i suppose theyll be trying forgeries this morning . treason . thats quartering , said jerry . barbarous . it is the law , remarked the ancient clerk , turning his surprised spectacles upon him . it is the law . its hard in the law to spile a man , i think . its hard enough to kill him , but its wery hard to spile him , sir . not at all , retained the ancient clerk . speak well of the law . take care of your chest and voice , my good friend , and leave the law to take care of itself . i give you that advice . its the damp , sir , what settles on my chest and voice , said jerry . i leave you to judge what a damp way of earning a living mine is . well , said the old clerk we all have our various ways of gaining a livelihood . some of us have damp ways , and some of us have dry ways . here is the letter . go along . jerry took the letter , and , remarking to himself with less internal deference than he made an outward show of , you are a lean old one , too , made his bow , informed his son , in passing , of his destination , and went his way . they hanged at tyburn , in those days , so the street outside newgate had not obtained one infamous notoriety that has since attached to it . but , the gaol was a vile place , in which most kinds of debauchery and villainy were practised , and where dire diseases were bred , that came into court with the prisoners , and sometimes rushed straight from the dock at my lord chief justice himself , and pulled him off the bench . it had more than once happened , that the judge in the black cap pronounced his own doom as certainly as the prisoners , and even died before him . for the rest , the old bailey was famous as a kind of deadly inn yard, , from which pale travellers set out continually , in carts and coaches , on a violent passage into the other world traversing some two miles and a half of public street and road , and shaming few good citizens , if any . so powerful is use , and so desirable to be good use in the beginning . it was famous , too , for the pillory , a wise old institution , that inflicted a punishment of which no one could foresee the extent also , for the whipping post, , another dear old institution , very humanising and softening to behold in action also , for extensive transactions in blood money, , another fragment of ancestral wisdom , systematically leading to the most frightful mercenary crimes that could be committed under heaven . altogether , the old bailey , at that date , was a choice illustration of the precept , that whatever is right an aphorism that would be as final as it is lazy , did it not include the troublesome consequence , that nothing that ever was , wrong . making his way through the tainted crowd , dispersed up and down this hideous scene of action , with the skill of a man accustomed to make his way quietly , the messenger found out the door he sought , and handed in his letter through a trap in it . for , people then paid to see the play at the old bailey , just as they paid to see the play in bedlam  the former entertainment was much the dearer . therefore , all the old bailey doors were well guarded  , indeed , the social doors by which the criminals got there , and those were always left wide open . after some delay and demur , the door grudgingly turned on its hinges a very little way , and allowed mr . jerry cruncher to squeeze himself into court . whats on . he asked , in a whisper , of the man he found himself next to . nothing yet . whats coming on . the treason case . the quartering one , eh . ah . returned the man , with a relish hell be drawn on a hurdle to be half hanged , and then hell be taken down and sliced before his own face , and then his inside will be taken out and burnt while he looks on , and then his head will be chopped off , and hell be cut into quarters . thats the sentence . if hes found guilty , you mean to say . jerry added , by way of proviso . oh . theyll find him guilty , said the other . dont you be afraid of that . mr . crunchers attention was here diverted to the door keeper, , whom he saw making his way to mr . lorry , with the note in his hand . mr . lorry sat at a table , among the gentlemen in wigs not far from a wigged gentleman , the prisoners counsel , who had a great bundle of papers before him and nearly opposite another wigged gentleman with his hands in his pockets , whose whole attention , when mr . cruncher looked at him then or afterwards , seemed to be concentrated on the ceiling of the court . after some gruff coughing and rubbing of his chin and signing with his hand , jerry attracted the notice of mr . lorry , who had stood up to look for him , and who quietly nodded and sat down again . whats he got to do with the case . asked the man he had spoken with . blest if i know , said jerry . what have you got to do with it , then , if a person may inquire . blest if i know that either , said jerry . the entrance of the judge , and a consequent great stir and settling down in the court , stopped the dialogue . presently , the dock became the central point of interest . two gaolers , who had been standing there , went out , and the prisoner was brought in , and put to the bar . everybody present , except the one wigged gentleman who looked at the ceiling , stared at him . all the human breath in the place , rolled at him , like a sea , or a wind , or a fire . eager faces strained round pillars and corners , to get a sight of him spectators in back rows stood up , not to miss a hair of him people on the floor of the court , laid their hands on the shoulders of the people before them , to help themselves , at anybodys cost , to a view of him  a tiptoe, , got upon ledges , stood upon next to nothing , to see every inch of him . conspicuous among these latter , like an animated bit of the spiked wall of newgate , jerry stood aiming at the prisoner the beery breath of a whet he had taken as he came along , and discharging it to mingle with the waves of other beer , and gin , and tea , and coffee , and what not , that flowed at him , and already broke upon the great windows behind him in an impure mist and rain . the object of all this staring and blaring , was a young man of about five and , well grown and well looking, , with a sunburnt cheek and a dark eye . his condition was that of a young gentleman . he was plainly dressed in black , or very dark grey , and his hair , which was long and dark , was gathered in a ribbon at the back of his neck more to be out of his way than for ornament . as an emotion of the mind will express itself through any covering of the body , so the paleness which his situation engendered came through the brown upon his cheek , showing the soul to be stronger than the sun . he was otherwise quite self possessed, , bowed to the judge , and stood quiet . the sort of interest with which this man was stared and breathed at , was not a sort that elevated humanity . had he stood in peril of a less horrible sentence  there been a chance of any one of its savage details being spared  just so much would he have lost in his fascination . the form that was to be doomed to be so shamefully mangled , was the sight the immortal creature that was to be so butchered and torn asunder , yielded the sensation . whatever gloss the various spectators put upon the interest , according to their several arts and powers of self deceit, , the interest was , at the root of it , ogreish . silence in the court . charles darnay had yesterday pleaded not guilty to an indictment denouncing him for that he was a false traitor to our serene , illustrious , excellent , and so forth , prince , our lord the king , by reason of his having , on divers occasions , and by divers means and ways , assisted lewis , the french king , in his wars against our said serene , illustrious , excellent , and so forth that was to say , by coming and going , between the dominions of our said serene , illustrious , excellent , and so forth , and those of the said french lewis , and wickedly , falsely , traitorously , and otherwise evil adverbiously, , revealing to the said french lewis what forces our said serene , illustrious , excellent , and so forth , had in preparation to send to canada and north america . this much , jerry , with his head becoming more and more spiky as the law terms bristled it , made out with huge satisfaction , and so arrived circuitously at the understanding that the aforesaid , and over and over again aforesaid , charles darnay , stood there before him upon his trial that the jury were swearing in and that mr . attorney general was making ready to speak . the accused , who was being mentally hanged , beheaded , and quartered , by everybody there , neither flinched from the situation , nor assumed any theatrical air in it . he was quiet and attentive watched the opening proceedings with a grave interest and stood with his hands resting on the slab of wood before him , so composedly , that they had not displaced a leaf of the herbs with which it was strewn . the court was all bestrewn with herbs and sprinkled with vinegar , as a precaution against gaol air and gaol fever . over the prisoners head there was a mirror , to throw the light down upon him . crowds of the wicked and the wretched had been reflected in it , and had passed from its surface and this earths together . haunted in a most ghastly manner that abominable place would have been , if the glass could ever have rendered back its reflections , as the ocean is one day to give up its dead . some passing thought of the infamy and disgrace for which it had been reserved , may have struck the prisoners mind . be that as it may , a change in his position making him conscious of a bar of light across his face , he looked up and when he saw the glass his face flushed , and his right hand pushed the herbs away . it happened , that the action turned his face to that side of the court which was on his left . about on a level with his eyes , there sat , in that corner of the judges bench , two persons upon whom his look immediately rested so immediately , and so much to the changing of his aspect , that all the eyes that were turned upon him , turned to them . the spectators saw in the two figures , a young lady of little more than twenty , and a gentleman who was evidently her father a man of a very remarkable appearance in respect of the absolute whiteness of his hair , and a certain indescribable intensity of face not of an active kind , but pondering and self communing . when this expression was upon him , he looked as if he were old but when it was stirred and broken up  it was now , in a moment , on his speaking to his daughter  became a handsome man , not past the prime of life . his daughter had one of her hands drawn through his arm , as she sat by him , and the other pressed upon it . she had drawn close to him , in her dread of the scene , and in her pity for the prisoner . her forehead had been strikingly expressive of an engrossing terror and compassion that saw nothing but the peril of the accused . this had been so very noticeable , so very powerfully and naturally shown , that starers who had no pity for him were touched by her and the whisper went about , who are they . jerry , the messenger , who had made his own observations , in his own manner , and who had been sucking the rust off his fingers in his absorption , stretched his neck to hear who they were . the crowd about him had pressed and passed the inquiry on to the nearest attendant , and from him it had been more slowly pressed and passed back at last it got to jerry witnesses . for which side . against . against what side . the prisoners . the judge , whose eyes had gone in the general direction , recalled them , leaned back in his seat , and looked steadily at the man whose life was in his hand , as mr . attorney general rose to spin the rope , grind the axe , and hammer the nails into the scaffold . iii . a disappointment mr . attorney general had to inform the jury , that the prisoner before them , though young in years , was old in the treasonable practices which claimed the forfeit of his life . that this correspondence with the public enemy was not a correspondence of to day, , or of yesterday , or even of last year , or of the year before . that , it was certain the prisoner had , for longer than that , been in the habit of passing and repassing between france and england , on secret business of which he could give no honest account . that , if it were in the nature of traitorous ways to thrive the real wickedness and guilt of his business might have remained undiscovered . that providence , however , had put it into the heart of a person who was beyond fear and beyond reproach , to ferret out the nature of the prisoners schemes , and , struck with horror , to disclose them to his majestys chief secretary of state and most honourable privy council . that , this patriot would be produced before them . that , his position and attitude were , on the whole , sublime . that , he had been the prisoners friend , but , at once in an auspicious and an evil hour detecting his infamy , had resolved to immolate the traitor he could no longer cherish in his bosom , on the sacred altar of his country . that , if statues were decreed in britain , as in ancient greece and rome , to public benefactors , this shining citizen would assuredly have had one . that , as they were not so decreed , he probably would not have one . that , virtue , as had been observed by the poets in many passages which he well knew the jury would have , word for word , at the tips of their tongues whereat the jurys countenances displayed a guilty consciousness that they knew nothing about the passages , was in a manner contagious more especially the bright virtue known as patriotism , or love of country . that , the lofty example of this immaculate and unimpeachable witness for the crown , to refer to whom however unworthily was an honour , had communicated itself to the prisoners servant , and had engendered in him a holy determination to examine his masters table drawers and pockets , and secrete his papers . that , he was prepared to hear some disparagement attempted of this admirable servant but that , in a general way , he preferred him to his brothers and sisters , and honoured him more than his mr . attorney generals father and mother . that , he called with confidence on the jury to come and do likewise . that , the evidence of these two witnesses , coupled with the documents of their discovering that would be produced , would show the prisoner to have been furnished with lists of his majestys forces , and of their disposition and preparation , both by sea and land , and would leave no doubt that he had habitually conveyed such information to a hostile power . that , these lists could not be proved to be in the prisoners handwriting but that it was all the same that , indeed , it was rather the better for the prosecution , as showing the prisoner to be artful in his precautions . that , the proof would go back five years , and would show the prisoner already engaged in these pernicious missions , within a few weeks before the date of the very first action fought between the british troops and the americans . that , for these reasons , the jury , being a loyal jury as he knew they were , and being a responsible jury must positively find the prisoner guilty , and make an end of him , whether they liked it or not . that , they never could lay their heads upon their pillows that , they never could tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows that , they never could endure the notion of their children laying their heads upon their pillows in short , that there never more could be , for them or theirs , any laying of heads upon pillows at all , unless the prisoners head was taken off . that head mr . attorney general concluded by demanding of them , in the name of everything he could think of with a round turn in it , and on the faith of his solemn asseveration that he already considered the prisoner as good as dead and gone . when the attorney general ceased , a buzz arose in the court as if a cloud of great blue flies were swarming about the prisoner , in anticipation of what he was soon to become . when toned down again , the unimpeachable patriot appeared in the witness box . mr . solicitor general then , following his leaders lead , examined the patriot john barsad , gentleman , by name . the story of his pure soul was exactly what mr . attorney general had described it to be  , if it had a fault , a little too exactly . having released his noble bosom of its burden , he would have modestly withdrawn himself , but that the wigged gentleman with the papers before him , sitting not far from mr . lorry , begged to ask him a few questions . the wigged gentleman sitting opposite , still looking at the ceiling of the court . had he ever been a spy himself . no , he scorned the base insinuation . what did he live upon . his property . where was his property . he didnt precisely remember where it was . what was it . no business of anybodys . had he inherited it . yes , he had . from whom . distant relation . very distant . rather . ever been in prison . certainly not . never in a debtors prison . didnt see what that had to do with it . never in a debtors prison . once again . never . yes . how many times . two or three times . not five or six . perhaps . of what profession . gentleman . ever been kicked . might have been . frequently . no . ever kicked downstairs . decidedly not once received a kick on the top of a staircase , and fell downstairs of his own accord . kicked on that occasion for cheating at dice . something to that effect was said by the intoxicated liar who committed the assault , but it was not true . swear it was not true . positively . ever live by cheating at play . never . ever live by play . not more than other gentlemen do . ever borrow money of the prisoner . yes . ever pay him . no . was not this intimacy with the prisoner , in reality a very slight one , forced upon the prisoner in coaches , inns , and packets . no . sure he saw the prisoner with these lists . certain . knew no more about the lists . no . had not procured them himself , for instance . no . expect to get anything by this evidence . no . not in regular government pay and employment , to lay traps . oh dear no . or to do anything . oh dear no . swear that . over and over again . no motives but motives of sheer patriotism . none whatever . the virtuous servant , roger cly , swore his way through the case at a great rate . he had taken service with the prisoner , in good faith and simplicity , four years ago . he had asked the prisoner , aboard the calais packet , if he wanted a handy fellow , and the prisoner had engaged him . he had not asked the prisoner to take the handy fellow as an act of charity  thought of such a thing . he began to have suspicions of the prisoner , and to keep an eye upon him , soon afterwards . in arranging his clothes , while travelling , he had seen similar lists to these in the prisoners pockets , over and over again . he had taken these lists from the drawer of the prisoners desk . he had not put them there first . he had seen the prisoner show these identical lists to french gentlemen at calais , and similar lists to french gentlemen , both at calais and boulogne . he loved his country , and couldnt bear it , and had given information . he had never been suspected of stealing a silver tea pot he had been maligned respecting a mustard pot, , but it turned out to be only a plated one . he had known the last witness seven or eight years that was merely a coincidence . he didnt call it a particularly curious coincidence most coincidences were curious . neither did he call it a curious coincidence that true patriotism was his only motive too . he was a true briton , and hoped there were many like him . the blue flies buzzed again , and mr . attorney general called mr . jarvis lorry . mr . jarvis lorry , are you a clerk in tellsons bank . i am . on a certain friday night in november one thousand seven hundred and seventy five, , did business occasion you to travel between london and dover by the mail . it did . were there any other passengers in the mail . two . did they alight on the road in the course of the night . they did . mr . lorry , look upon the prisoner . was he one of those two passengers . i cannot undertake to say that he was . does he resemble either of these two passengers . both were so wrapped up , and the night was so dark , and we were all so reserved , that i cannot undertake to say even that . mr . lorry , look again upon the prisoner . supposing him wrapped up as those two passengers were , is there anything in his bulk and stature to render it unlikely that he was one of them . no . you will not swear , mr . lorry , that he was not one of them . no . so at least you say he may have been one of them . yes . except that i remember them both to have been  myself  of highwaymen , and the prisoner has not a timorous air . did you ever see a counterfeit of timidity , mr . lorry . i certainly have seen that . mr . lorry , look once more upon the prisoner . have you seen him , to your certain knowledge , before . i have . when . i was returning from france a few days afterwards , and , at calais , the prisoner came on board the packet ship in which i returned , and made the voyage with me . at what hour did he come on board . at a little after midnight . in the dead of the night . was he the only passenger who came on board at that untimely hour . he happened to be the only one . never mind about happening , mr . lorry . he was the only passenger who came on board in the dead of the night . he was . were you travelling alone , mr . lorry , or with any companion . with two companions . a gentleman and lady . they are here . they are here . had you any conversation with the prisoner . hardly any . the weather was stormy , and the passage long and rough , and i lay on a sofa , almost from shore to shore . miss manette . the young lady , to whom all eyes had been turned before , and were now turned again , stood up where she had sat . her father rose with her , and kept her hand drawn through his arm . miss manette , look upon the prisoner . to be confronted with such pity , and such earnest youth and beauty , was far more trying to the accused than to be confronted with all the crowd . standing , as it were , apart with her on the edge of his grave , not all the staring curiosity that looked on , could , for the moment , nerve him to remain quite still . his hurried right hand parcelled out the herbs before him into imaginary beds of flowers in a garden and his efforts to control and steady his breathing shook the lips from which the colour rushed to his heart . the buzz of the great flies was loud again . miss manette , have you seen the prisoner before . yes , sir . where . on board of the packet ship just now referred to , sir , and on the same occasion . you are the young lady just now referred to . o . most unhappily , i am . the plaintive tone of her compassion merged into the less musical voice of the judge , as he said something fiercely answer the questions put to you , and make no remark upon them . miss manette , had you any conversation with the prisoner on that passage across the channel . yes , sir . recall it . in the midst of a profound stillness , she faintly began when the gentleman came on board  do you mean the prisoner . inquired the judge , knitting his brows . yes , my lord . then say the prisoner . when the prisoner came on board , he noticed that my father , turning her eyes lovingly to him as he stood beside her , was much fatigued and in a very weak state of health . my father was so reduced that i was afraid to take him out of the air , and i had made a bed for him on the deck near the cabin steps , and i sat on the deck at his side to take care of him . there were no other passengers that night , but we four . the prisoner was so good as to beg permission to advise me how i could shelter my father from the wind and weather , better than i had done . i had not known how to do it well , not understanding how the wind would set when we were out of the harbour . he did it for me . he expressed great gentleness and kindness for my fathers state , and i am sure he felt it . that was the manner of our beginning to speak together . let me interrupt you for a moment . had he come on board alone . no . how many were with him . two french gentlemen . had they conferred together . they had conferred together until the last moment , when it was necessary for the french gentlemen to be landed in their boat . had any papers been handed about among them , similar to these lists . some papers had been handed about among them , but i dont know what papers . like these in shape and size . possibly , but indeed i dont know , although they stood whispering very near to me because they stood at the top of the cabin steps to have the light of the lamp that was hanging there it was a dull lamp , and they spoke very low , and i did not hear what they said , and saw only that they looked at papers . now , to the prisoners conversation , miss manette . the prisoner was as open in his confidence with me  arose out of my helpless situation  he was kind , and good , and useful to my father . i hope , bursting into tears , i may not repay him by doing him harm to day . buzzing from the blue flies . miss manette , if the prisoner does not perfectly understand that you give the evidence which it is your duty to give  you must give  which you cannot escape from giving  great unwillingness , he is the only person present in that condition . please to go on . he told me that he was travelling on business of a delicate and difficult nature , which might get people into trouble , and that he was therefore travelling under an assumed name . he said that this business had , within a few days , taken him to france , and might , at intervals , take him backwards and forwards between france and england for a long time to come . did he say anything about america , miss manette . be particular . he tried to explain to me how that quarrel had arisen , and he said that , so far as he could judge , it was a wrong and foolish one on englands part . he added , in a jesting way , that perhaps george washington might gain almost as great a name in history as george the third . but there was no harm in his way of saying this it was said laughingly , and to beguile the time . any strongly marked expression of face on the part of a chief actor in a scene of great interest to whom many eyes are directed , will be unconsciously imitated by the spectators . her forehead was painfully anxious and intent as she gave this evidence , and , in the pauses when she stopped for the judge to write it down , watched its effect upon the counsel for and against . among the lookers on there was the same expression in all quarters of the court insomuch , that a great majority of the foreheads there , might have been mirrors reflecting the witness , when the judge looked up from his notes to glare at that tremendous heresy about george washington . mr . attorney general now signified to my lord , that he deemed it necessary , as a matter of precaution and form , to call the young ladys father , doctor manette . who was called accordingly . doctor manette , look upon the prisoner . have you ever seen him before . once . when he called at my lodgings in london . some three years , or three years and a half ago . can you identify him as your fellow passenger on board the packet , or speak to his conversation with your daughter . sir , i can do neither . is there any particular and special reason for your being unable to do either . he answered , in a low voice , there is . has it been your misfortune to undergo a long imprisonment , without trial , or even accusation , in your native country , doctor manette . he answered , in a tone that went to every heart , a long imprisonment . were you newly released on the occasion in question . they tell me so . have you no remembrance of the occasion . none . my mind is a blank , from some time  cannot even say what time  i employed myself , in my captivity , in making shoes , to the time when i found myself living in london with my dear daughter here . she had become familiar to me , when a gracious god restored my faculties but , i am quite unable even to say how she had become familiar . i have no remembrance of the process . mr . attorney general sat down , and the father and daughter sat down together . a singular circumstance then arose in the case . the object in hand being to show that the prisoner went down , with some fellow plotter untracked , in the dover mail on that friday night in november five years ago , and got out of the mail in the night , as a blind , at a place where he did not remain , but from which he travelled back some dozen miles or more , to a garrison and dockyard , and there collected information a witness was called to identify him as having been at the precise time required , in the coffee room of an hotel in that garrison and town , waiting for another person . the prisoners counsel was cross examining this witness with no result , except that he had never seen the prisoner on any other occasion , when the wigged gentleman who had all this time been looking at the ceiling of the court , wrote a word or two on a little piece of paper , screwed it up , and tossed it to him . opening this piece of paper in the next pause , the counsel looked with great attention and curiosity at the prisoner . you say again you are quite sure that it was the prisoner . the witness was quite sure . did you ever see anybody very like the prisoner . not so like as that he could be mistaken . look well upon that gentleman , my learned friend there , pointing to him who had tossed the paper over , and then look well upon the prisoner . how say you . are they very like each other . allowing for my learned friends appearance being careless and slovenly if not debauched , they were sufficiently like each other to surprise , not only the witness , but everybody present , when they were thus brought into comparison . my lord being prayed to bid my learned friend lay aside his wig , and giving no very gracious consent , the likeness became much more remarkable . my lord inquired of mr . stryver the prisoners counsel , whether they were next to try mr . carton name of my learned friend for treason . but , mr . stryver replied to my lord , no but he would ask the witness to tell him whether what happened once , might happen twice whether he would have been so confident if he had seen this illustration of his rashness sooner , whether he would be so confident , having seen it and more . the upshot of which , was , to smash this witness like a crockery vessel , and shiver his part of the case to useless lumber . mr . cruncher had by this time taken quite a lunch of rust off his fingers in his following of the evidence . he had now to attend while mr . stryver fitted the prisoners case on the jury , like a compact suit of clothes showing them how the patriot , barsad , was a hired spy and traitor , an unblushing trafficker in blood , and one of the greatest scoundrels upon earth since accursed judas  he certainly did look rather like . how the virtuous servant , cly , was his friend and partner , and was worthy to be how the watchful eyes of those forgers and false swearers had rested on the prisoner as a victim , because some family affairs in france , he being of french extraction , did require his making those passages across the channel  what those affairs were , a consideration for others who were near and dear to him , forbade him , even for his life , to disclose . how the evidence that had been warped and wrested from the young lady , whose anguish in giving it they had witnessed , came to nothing , involving the mere little innocent gallantries and politenesses likely to pass between any young gentleman and young lady so thrown together  the exception of that reference to george washington , which was altogether too extravagant and impossible to be regarded in any other light than as a monstrous joke . how it would be a weakness in the government to break down in this attempt to practise for popularity on the lowest national antipathies and fears , and therefore mr . attorney general had made the most of it how , nevertheless , it rested upon nothing , save that vile and infamous character of evidence too often disfiguring such cases , and of which the state trials of this country were full . but , there my lord interposed saying that he could not sit upon that bench and suffer those allusions . mr . stryver then called his few witnesses , and mr . cruncher had next to attend while mr . attorney general turned the whole suit of clothes mr . stryver had fitted on the jury , inside out showing how barsad and cly were even a hundred times better than he had thought them , and the prisoner a hundred times worse . lastly , came my lord himself , turning the suit of clothes , now inside out , now outside in , but on the whole decidedly trimming and shaping them into grave clothes for the prisoner . and now , the jury turned to consider , and the great flies swarmed again . mr . carton , who had so long sat looking at the ceiling of the court , changed neither his place nor his attitude , even in this excitement . while his learned friend , mr . stryver , massing his papers before him , whispered with those who sat near , and from time to time glanced anxiously at the jury while all the spectators moved more or less , and grouped themselves anew while even my lord himself arose from his seat , and slowly paced up and down his platform , not unattended by a suspicion in the minds of the audience that his state was feverish this one man sat leaning back , with his torn gown half off him , his untidy wig put on just as it had happened to light on his head after its removal , his hands in his pockets , and his eyes on the ceiling as they had been all day . something especially reckless in his demeanour , not only gave him a disreputable look , but so diminished the strong resemblance he undoubtedly bore to the prisoner which his momentary earnestness , when they were compared together , had strengthened , that many of the lookers on, , taking note of him now , said to one another they would hardly have thought the two were so alike . mr . cruncher made the observation to his next neighbour , and added , id hold half a guinea that he dont get no law work to do . dont look like the sort of one to get any , do he . yet , this mr . carton took in more of the details of the scene than he appeared to take in for now , when miss manettes head dropped upon her fathers breast , he was the first to see it , and to say audibly officer . look to that young lady . help the gentleman to take her out . dont you see she will fall . there was much commiseration for her as she was removed , and much sympathy with her father . it had evidently been a great distress to him , to have the days of his imprisonment recalled . he had shown strong internal agitation when he was questioned , and that pondering or brooding look which made him old , had been upon him , like a heavy cloud , ever since . as he passed out , the jury , who had turned back and paused a moment , spoke , through their foreman . they were not agreed , and wished to retire . my lord perhaps with george washington on his mind showed some surprise that they were not agreed , but signified his pleasure that they should retire under watch and ward , and retired himself . the trial had lasted all day , and the lamps in the court were now being lighted . it began to be rumoured that the jury would be out a long while . the spectators dropped off to get refreshment , and the prisoner withdrew to the back of the dock , and sat down . mr . lorry , who had gone out when the young lady and her father went out , now reappeared , and beckoned to jerry who , in the slackened interest , could easily get near him . jerry , if you wish to take something to eat , you can . but , keep in the way . you will be sure to hear when the jury come in . dont be a moment behind them , for i want you to take the verdict back to the bank . you are the quickest messenger i know , and will get to temple bar long before i can . jerry had just enough forehead to knuckle , and he knuckled it in acknowledgment of this communication and a shilling . mr . carton came up at the moment , and touched mr . lorry on the arm . how is the young lady . she is greatly distressed but her father is comforting her , and she feels the better for being out of court . ill tell the prisoner so . it wont do for a respectable bank gentleman like you , to be seen speaking to him publicly , you know . mr . lorry reddened as if he were conscious of having debated the point in his mind , and mr . carton made his way to the outside of the bar . the way out of court lay in that direction , and jerry followed him , all eyes , ears , and spikes . mr . darnay . the prisoner came forward directly . you will naturally be anxious to hear of the witness , miss manette . she will do very well . you have seen the worst of her agitation . i am deeply sorry to have been the cause of it . could you tell her so for me , with my fervent acknowledgments . yes , i could . i will , if you ask it . mr . cartons manner was so careless as to be almost insolent . he stood , half turned from the prisoner , lounging with his elbow against the bar . i do ask it . accept my cordial thanks . what , said carton , still only half turned towards him , do you expect , mr . darnay . the worst . its the wisest thing to expect , and the likeliest . but i think their withdrawing is in your favour . loitering on the way out of court not being allowed , jerry heard no more but left them  like each other in feature , so unlike each other in manner  side by side , both reflected in the glass above them . an hour and a half limped heavily away in the thief and crowded passages below , even though assisted off with mutton pies and ale . the hoarse messenger , uncomfortably seated on a form after taking that refection , had dropped into a doze , when a loud murmur and a rapid tide of people setting up the stairs that led to the court , carried him along with them . jerry . jerry . mr . lorry was already calling at the door when he got there . here , sir . its a fight to get back again . here i am , sir . mr . lorry handed him a paper through the throng . quick . have you got it . yes , sir . hastily written on the paper was the word acquitted . if you had sent the message , recalled to life , again , muttered jerry , as he turned , i should have known what you meant , this time . he had no opportunity of saying , or so much as thinking , anything else , until he was clear of the old bailey for , the crowd came pouring out with a vehemence that nearly took him off his legs , and a loud buzz swept into the street as if the baffled blue flies were dispersing in search of other carrion . iv . congratulatory from the dimly lighted passages of the court , the last sediment of the human stew that had been boiling there all day , was straining off , when doctor manette , lucie manette , his daughter , mr . lorry , the solicitor for the defence , and its counsel , mr . stryver , stood gathered round mr . charles darnay  released  him on his escape from death . it would have been difficult by a far brighter light , to recognise in doctor manette , intellectual of face and upright of bearing , the shoemaker of the garret in paris . yet , no one could have looked at him twice , without looking again even though the opportunity of observation had not extended to the mournful cadence of his low grave voice , and to the abstraction that overclouded him fitfully , without any apparent reason . while one external cause , and that a reference to his long lingering agony , would always  on the trial  this condition from the depths of his soul , it was also in its nature to arise of itself , and to draw a gloom over him , as incomprehensible to those unacquainted with his story as if they had seen the shadow of the actual bastille thrown upon him by a summer sun , when the substance was three hundred miles away . only his daughter had the power of charming this black brooding from his mind . she was the golden thread that united him to a past beyond his misery , and to a present beyond his misery and the sound of her voice , the light of her face , the touch of her hand , had a strong beneficial influence with him almost always . not absolutely always , for she could recall some occasions on which her power had failed but they were few and slight , and she believed them over . mr . darnay had kissed her hand fervently and gratefully , and had turned to mr . stryver , whom he warmly thanked . mr . stryver , a man of little more than thirty , but looking twenty years older than he was , stout , loud , red , bluff , and free from any drawback of delicacy , had a pushing way of shouldering himself into companies and conversations , that argued well for his shouldering his way up in life . he still had his wig and gown on , and he said , squaring himself at his late client to that degree that he squeezed the innocent mr . lorry clean out of the group i am glad to have brought you off with honour , mr . darnay . it was an infamous prosecution , grossly infamous but not the less likely to succeed on that account . you have laid me under an obligation to you for life  two senses , said his late client , taking his hand . i have done my best for you , mr . darnay and my best is as good as another mans , i believe . it clearly being incumbent on some one to say , much better , mr . lorry said it perhaps not quite disinterestedly , but with the interested object of squeezing himself back again . you think so . said mr . stryver . well . you have been present all day , and you ought to know . you are a man of business , too . and as such , quoth mr . lorry , whom the counsel learned in the law had now shouldered back into the group , just as he had previously shouldered him out of it  such i will appeal to doctor manette , to break up this conference and order us all to our homes . miss lucie looks ill , mr . darnay has had a terrible day , we are worn out . speak for yourself , mr . lorry , said stryver i have a nights work to do yet . speak for yourself . i speak for myself , answered mr . lorry , and for mr . darnay , and for miss lucie , and  lucie , do you not think i may speak for us all . he asked her the question pointedly , and with a glance at her father . his face had become frozen , as it were , in a very curious look at darnay an intent look , deepening into a frown of dislike and distrust , not even unmixed with fear . with this strange expression on him his thoughts had wandered away . my father , said lucie , softly laying her hand on his . he slowly shook the shadow off , and turned to her . shall we go home , my father . with a long breath , he answered yes . the friends of the acquitted prisoner had dispersed , under the impression  he himself had originated  he would not be released that night . the lights were nearly all extinguished in the passages , the iron gates were being closed with a jar and a rattle , and the dismal place was deserted until to morrow mornings interest of gallows , pillory , whipping post, , and branding iron, , should repeople it . walking between her father and mr . darnay , lucie manette passed into the open air . a hackney coach was called , and the father and daughter departed in it . mr . stryver had left them in the passages , to shoulder his way back to the robing room . another person , who had not joined the group , or interchanged a word with any one of them , but who had been leaning against the wall where its shadow was darkest , had silently strolled out after the rest , and had looked on until the coach drove away . he now stepped up to where mr . lorry and mr . darnay stood upon the pavement . so , mr . lorry . men of business may speak to mr . darnay now . nobody had made any acknowledgment of mr . cartons part in the days proceedings nobody had known of it . he was unrobed , and was none the better for it in appearance . if you knew what a conflict goes on in the business mind , when the business mind is divided between good natured impulse and business appearances , you would be amused , mr . darnay . mr . lorry reddened , and said , warmly , you have mentioned that before , sir . we men of business , who serve a house , are not our own masters . we have to think of the house more than ourselves . i know , i know , rejoined mr . carton , carelessly . dont be nettled , mr . lorry . you are as good as another , i have no doubt better , i dare say . and indeed , sir , pursued mr . lorry , not minding him , i really dont know what you have to do with the matter . if youll excuse me , as very much your elder , for saying so , i really dont know that it is your business . business . bless you , i have no business , said mr . carton . it is a pity you have not , sir . i think so , too . if you had , pursued mr . lorry , perhaps you would attend to it . lord love you , no . shouldnt , said mr . carton . well , sir . cried mr . lorry , thoroughly heated by his indifference , business is a very good thing , and a very respectable thing . and , sir , if business imposes its restraints and its silences and impediments , mr . darnay as a young gentleman of generosity knows how to make allowance for that circumstance . mr . darnay , good night , god bless you , sir . i hope you have been this day preserved for a prosperous and happy life . there . perhaps a little angry with himself , as well as with the barrister , mr . lorry bustled into the chair , and was carried off to tellsons . carton , who smelt of port wine , and did not appear to be quite sober , laughed then , and turned to darnay this is a strange chance that throws you and me together . this must be a strange night to you , standing alone here with your counterpart on these street stones . i hardly seem yet , returned charles darnay , to belong to this world again . i dont wonder at it its not so long since you were pretty far advanced on your way to another . you speak faintly . i begin to think i am faint . then why the devil dont you dine . i dined , myself , while those numskulls were deliberating which world you should belong to  , or some other . let me show you the nearest tavern to dine well at . drawing his arm through his own , he took him down ludgate hill to fleet street, , and so , up a covered way , into a tavern . here , they were shown into a little room , where charles darnay was soon recruiting his strength with a good plain dinner and good wine while carton sat opposite to him at the same table , with his separate bottle of port before him , and his fully half insolent manner upon him . do you feel , yet , that you belong to this terrestrial scheme again , mr . darnay . i am frightfully confused regarding time and place but i am so far mended as to feel that . it must be an immense satisfaction . he said it bitterly , and filled up his glass again which was a large one . as to me , the greatest desire i have , is to forget that i belong to it . it has no good in it for me  wine like this  i for it . so we are not much alike in that particular . indeed , i begin to think we are not much alike in any particular , you and i . confused by the emotion of the day , and feeling his being there with this double of coarse deportment , to be like a dream , charles darnay was at a loss how to answer finally , answered not at all . now your dinner is done , carton presently said , why dont you call a health , mr . darnay why dont you give your toast . what health . what toast . why , its on the tip of your tongue . it ought to be , it must be , ill swear its there . miss manette , then . miss manette , then . looking his companion full in the face while he drank the toast , carton flung his glass over his shoulder against the wall , where it shivered to pieces then , rang the bell , and ordered in another . thats a fair young lady to hand to a coach in the dark , mr . darnay . he said , filling his new goblet . a slight frown and a laconic yes , were the answer . thats a fair young lady to be pitied by and wept for by . how does it feel . is it worth being tried for ones life , to be the object of such sympathy and compassion , mr . darnay . again darnay answered not a word . she was mightily pleased to have your message , when i gave it her . not that she showed she was pleased , but i suppose she was . the allusion served as a timely reminder to darnay that this disagreeable companion had , of his own free will , assisted him in the strait of the day . he turned the dialogue to that point , and thanked him for it . i neither want any thanks , nor merit any , was the careless rejoinder . it was nothing to do , in the first place and i dont know why i did it , in the second . mr . darnay , let me ask you a question . willingly , and a small return for your good offices . do you think i particularly like you . really , mr . carton , returned the other , oddly disconcerted , i have not asked myself the question . but ask yourself the question now . you have acted as if you do but i dont think you do . i dont think i do , said carton . i begin to have a very good opinion of your understanding . nevertheless , pursued darnay , rising to ring the bell , there is nothing in that , i hope , to prevent my calling the reckoning , and our parting without ill blood on either side . carton rejoining , nothing in life . darnay rang . do you call the whole reckoning . said carton . on his answering in the affirmative , then bring me another pint of this same wine , drawer , and come and wake me at ten . the bill being paid , charles darnay rose and wished him good night . without returning the wish , carton rose too , with something of a threat of defiance in his manner , and said , a last word , mr . darnay you think i am drunk . i think you have been drinking , mr . carton . think . you know i have been drinking . since i must say so , i know it . then you shall likewise know why . i am a disappointed drudge , sir . i care for no man on earth , and no man on earth cares for me . much to be regretted . you might have used your talents better . may be so , mr . darnay may be not . dont let your sober face elate you , however you dont know what it may come to . good night . when he was left alone , this strange being took up a candle , went to a glass that hung against the wall , and surveyed himself minutely in it . do you particularly like the man . he muttered , at his own image why should you particularly like a man who resembles you . there is nothing in you to like you know that . ah , confound you . what a change you have made in yourself . a good reason for taking to a man , that he shows you what you have fallen away from , and what you might have been . change places with him , and would you have been looked at by those blue eyes as he was , and commiserated by that agitated face as he was . come on , and have it out in plain words . you hate the fellow . he resorted to his pint of wine for consolation , drank it all in a few minutes , and fell asleep on his arms , with his hair straggling over the table , and a long winding sheet in the candle dripping down upon him . v . the jackal those were drinking days , and most men drank hard . so very great is the improvement time has brought about in such habits , that a moderate statement of the quantity of wine and punch which one man would swallow in the course of a night , without any detriment to his reputation as a perfect gentleman , would seem , in these days , a ridiculous exaggeration . the learned profession of the law was certainly not behind any other learned profession in its bacchanalian propensities neither was mr . stryver , already fast shouldering his way to a large and lucrative practice , behind his compeers in this particular , any more than in the drier parts of the legal race . a favourite at the old bailey , and eke at the sessions , mr . stryver had begun cautiously to hew away the lower staves of the ladder on which he mounted . sessions and old bailey had now to summon their favourite , specially , to their longing arms and shouldering itself towards the visage of the lord chief justice in the court of kings bench , the florid countenance of mr . stryver might be daily seen , bursting out of the bed of wigs , like a great sunflower pushing its way at the sun from among a rank garden full of flaring companions . it had once been noted at the bar , that while mr . stryver was a glib man , and an unscrupulous , and a ready , and a bold , he had not that faculty of extracting the essence from a heap of statements , which is among the most striking and necessary of the advocates accomplishments . but , a remarkable improvement came upon him as to this . the more business he got , the greater his power seemed to grow of getting at its pith and marrow and however late at night he sat carousing with sydney carton , he always had his points at his fingers ends in the morning . sydney carton , idlest and most unpromising of men , was stryvers great ally . what the two drank together , between hilary term and michaelmas , might have floated a kings ship . stryver never had a case in hand , anywhere , but carton was there , with his hands in his pockets , staring at the ceiling of the court they went the same circuit , and even there they prolonged their usual orgies late into the night , and carton was rumoured to be seen at broad day , going home stealthily and unsteadily to his lodgings , like a dissipated cat . at last , it began to get about , among such as were interested in the matter , that although sydney carton would never be a lion , he was an amazingly good jackal , and that he rendered suit and service to stryver in that humble capacity . ten oclock , sir , said the man at the tavern , whom he had charged to wake him  oclock , sir . whats the matter . ten oclock , sir . what do you mean . ten oclock at night . yes , sir . your honour told me to call you . oh . i remember . very well , very well . after a few dull efforts to get to sleep again , which the man dexterously combated by stirring the fire continuously for five minutes , he got up , tossed his hat on , and walked out . he turned into the temple , and , having revived himself by twice pacing the pavements of kings bench walk and paper buildings, , turned into the stryver chambers . the stryver clerk , who never assisted at these conferences , had gone home , and the stryver principal opened the door . he had his slippers on , and a loose bed gown, , and his throat was bare for his greater ease . he had that rather wild , strained , seared marking about the eyes , which may be observed in all free livers of his class , from the portrait of jeffries downward , and which can be traced , under various disguises of art , through the portraits of every drinking age . you are a little late , memory , said stryver . about the usual time it may be a quarter of an hour later . they went into a dingy room lined with books and littered with papers , where there was a blazing fire . a kettle steamed upon the hob , and in the midst of the wreck of papers a table shone , with plenty of wine upon it , and brandy , and rum , and sugar , and lemons . you have had your bottle , i perceive , sydney . two to night, , i think . i have been dining with the days client or seeing him dine  all one . that was a rare point , sydney , that you brought to bear upon the identification . how did you come by it . when did it strike you . i thought he was rather a handsome fellow , and i thought i should have been much the same sort of fellow , if i had any luck . mr . stryver laughed till he shook his precocious paunch . you and your luck , sydney . get to work , get to work . sullenly enough , the jackal loosened his dress , went into an adjoining room , and came back with a large jug of cold water , a basin , and a towel or two . steeping the towels in the water , and partially wringing them out , he folded them on his head in a manner hideous to behold , sat down at the table , and said , now i am ready . not much boiling down to be done to night, , memory , said mr . stryver , gaily , as he looked among his papers . how much . only two sets of them . give me the worst first . there they are , sydney . fire away . the lion then composed himself on his back on a sofa on one side of the drinking table, , while the jackal sat at his own paper bestrewn table proper , on the other side of it , with the bottles and glasses ready to his hand . both resorted to the drinking table without stint , but each in a different way the lion for the most part reclining with his hands in his waistband , looking at the fire , or occasionally flirting with some lighter document the jackal , with knitted brows and intent face , so deep in his task , that his eyes did not even follow the hand he stretched out for his glass  often groped about , for a minute or more , before it found the glass for his lips . two or three times , the matter in hand became so knotty , that the jackal found it imperative on him to get up , and steep his towels anew . from these pilgrimages to the jug and basin , he returned with such eccentricities of damp headgear as no words can describe which were made the more ludicrous by his anxious gravity . at length the jackal had got together a compact repast for the lion , and proceeded to offer it to him . the lion took it with care and caution , made his selections from it , and his remarks upon it , and the jackal assisted both . when the repast was fully discussed , the lion put his hands in his waistband again , and lay down to meditate . the jackal then invigorated himself with a bumper for his throttle , and a fresh application to his head , and applied himself to the collection of a second meal this was administered to the lion in the same manner , and was not disposed of until the clocks struck three in the morning . and now we have done , sydney , fill a bumper of punch , said mr . stryver . the jackal removed the towels from his head , which had been steaming again , shook himself , yawned , shivered , and complied . you were very sound , sydney , in the matter of those crown witnesses to day . every question told . i always am sound am i not . i dont gainsay it . what has roughened your temper . put some punch to it and smooth it again . with a deprecatory grunt , the jackal again complied . the old sydney carton of old shrewsbury school , said stryver , nodding his head over him as he reviewed him in the present and the past , the old seesaw sydney . up one minute and down the next now in spirits and now in despondency . ah . returned the other , sighing yes . the same sydney , with the same luck . even then , i did exercises for other boys , and seldom did my own . and why not . god knows . it was my way , i suppose . he sat , with his hands in his pockets and his legs stretched out before him , looking at the fire . carton , said his friend , squaring himself at him with a bullying air , as if the fire grate had been the furnace in which sustained endeavour was forged , and the one delicate thing to be done for the old sydney carton of old shrewsbury school was to shoulder him into it , your way is , and always was , a lame way . you summon no energy and purpose . look at me . oh , botheration . returned sydney , with a lighter and more good humoured laugh , dont you be moral . how have i done what i have done . said stryver how do i do what i do . partly through paying me to help you , i suppose . but its not worth your while to apostrophise me , or the air , about it what you want to do , you do . you were always in the front rank , and i was always behind . i had to get into the front rank i was not born there , was i . i was not present at the ceremony but my opinion is you were , said carton . at this , he laughed again , and they both laughed . before shrewsbury , and at shrewsbury , and ever since shrewsbury , pursued carton , you have fallen into your rank , and i have fallen into mine . even when we were fellow students in the student quarter of paris , picking up french , and french law , and other french crumbs that we didnt get much good of , you were always somewhere , and i was always nowhere . and whose fault was that . upon my soul , i am not sure that it was not yours . you were always driving and riving and shouldering and passing , to that restless degree that i had no chance for my life but in rust and repose . its a gloomy thing , however , to talk about ones own past , with the day breaking . turn me in some other direction before i go . well then . pledge me to the pretty witness , said stryver , holding up his glass . are you turned in a pleasant direction . apparently not , for he became gloomy again . pretty witness , he muttered , looking down into his glass . i have had enough of witnesses to day and to night whos your pretty witness . the picturesque doctors daughter , miss manette . she pretty . is she not . no . why , man alive , she was the admiration of the whole court . rot the admiration of the whole court . who made the old bailey a judge of beauty . she was a golden haired doll . do you know , sydney , said mr . stryver , looking at him with sharp eyes , and slowly drawing a hand across his florid face do you know , i rather thought , at the time , that you sympathised with the golden haired doll , and were quick to see what happened to the golden haired doll . quick to see what happened . if a girl , doll or no doll , swoons within a yard or two of a mans nose , he can see it without a perspective glass . i pledge you , but i deny the beauty . and now ill have no more drink ill get to bed . when his host followed him out on the staircase with a candle , to light him down the stairs , the day was coldly looking in through its grimy windows . when he got out of the house , the air was cold and sad , the dull sky overcast , the river dark and dim , the whole scene like a lifeless desert . and wreaths of dust were spinning round and round before the morning blast , as if the desert sand had risen far away , and the first spray of it in its advance had begun to overwhelm the city . waste forces within him , and a desert all around , this man stood still on his way across a silent terrace , and saw for a moment , lying in the wilderness before him , a mirage of honourable ambition , self denial, , and perseverance . in the fair city of this vision , there were airy galleries from which the loves and graces looked upon him , gardens in which the fruits of life hung ripening , waters of hope that sparkled in his sight . a moment , and it was gone . climbing to a high chamber in a well of houses , he threw himself down in his clothes on a neglected bed , and its pillow was wet with wasted tears . sadly , the sun rose it rose upon no sadder sight than the man of good abilities and good emotions , incapable of their directed exercise , incapable of his own help and his own happiness , sensible of the blight on him , and resigning himself to let it eat him away . vi . hundreds of people the quiet lodgings of doctor manette were in a quiet street corner not far from soho square . on the afternoon of a certain fine sunday when the waves of four months had rolled over the trial for treason , and carried it , as to the public interest and memory , far out to sea , mr . jarvis lorry walked along the sunny streets from clerkenwell where he lived , on his way to dine with the doctor . after several relapses into business absorption, , mr . lorry had become the doctors friend , and the quiet street corner was the sunny part of his life . on this certain fine sunday , mr . lorry walked towards soho , early in the afternoon , for three reasons of habit . firstly , because , on fine sundays , he often walked out , before dinner , with the doctor and lucie secondly , because , on unfavourable sundays , he was accustomed to be with them as the family friend , talking , reading , looking out of window , and generally getting through the day thirdly , because he happened to have his own little shrewd doubts to solve , and knew how the ways of the doctors household pointed to that time as a likely time for solving them . a quainter corner than the corner where the doctor lived , was not to be found in london . there was no way through it , and the front windows of the doctors lodgings commanded a pleasant little vista of street that had a congenial air of retirement on it . there were few buildings then , north of the oxford road, , and forest trees flourished , and wild flowers grew , and the hawthorn blossomed , in the now vanished fields . as a consequence , country airs circulated in soho with vigorous freedom , instead of languishing into the parish like stray paupers without a settlement and there was many a good south wall , not far off , on which the peaches ripened in their season . the summer light struck into the corner brilliantly in the earlier part of the day but , when the streets grew hot , the corner was in shadow , though not in shadow so remote but that you could see beyond it into a glare of brightness . it was a cool spot , staid but cheerful , a wonderful place for echoes , and a very harbour from the raging streets . there ought to have been a tranquil bark in such an anchorage , and there was . the doctor occupied two floors of a large stiff house , where several callings purported to be pursued by day , but whereof little was audible any day , and which was shunned by all of them at night . in a building at the back , attainable by a courtyard where a plane tree rustled its green leaves , church organs claimed to be made , and silver to be chased , and likewise gold to be beaten by some mysterious giant who had a golden arm starting out of the wall of the front hall  if he had beaten himself precious , and menaced a similar conversion of all visitors . very little of these trades , or of a lonely lodger rumoured to live up stairs, , or of a dim coach trimming maker asserted to have a counting house below , was ever heard or seen . occasionally , a stray workman putting his coat on , traversed the hall , or a stranger peered about there , or a distant clink was heard across the courtyard , or a thump from the golden giant . these , however , were only the exceptions required to prove the rule that the sparrows in the plane tree behind the house , and the echoes in the corner before it , had their own way from sunday morning unto saturday night . doctor manette received such patients here as his old reputation , and its revival in the floating whispers of his story , brought him . his scientific knowledge , and his vigilance and skill in conducting ingenious experiments , brought him otherwise into moderate request , and he earned as much as he wanted . these things were within mr . jarvis lorrys knowledge , thoughts , and notice , when he rang the door bell of the tranquil house in the corner , on the fine sunday afternoon . doctor manette at home . expected home . miss lucie at home . expected home . miss pross at home . possibly at home , but of a certainty impossible for handmaid to anticipate intentions of miss pross , as to admission or denial of the fact . as i am at home myself , said mr . lorry , ill go upstairs . although the doctors daughter had known nothing of the country of her birth , she appeared to have innately derived from it that ability to make much of little means , which is one of its most useful and most agreeable characteristics . simple as the furniture was , it was set off by so many little adornments , of no value but for their taste and fancy , that its effect was delightful . the disposition of everything in the rooms , from the largest object to the least the arrangement of colours , the elegant variety and contrast obtained by thrift in trifles , by delicate hands , clear eyes , and good sense were at once so pleasant in themselves , and so expressive of their originator , that , as mr . lorry stood looking about him , the very chairs and tables seemed to ask him , with something of that peculiar expression which he knew so well by this time , whether he approved . there were three rooms on a floor , and , the doors by which they communicated being put open that the air might pass freely through them all , mr . lorry , smilingly observant of that fanciful resemblance which he detected all around him , walked from one to another . the first was the best room , and in it were lucies birds , and flowers , and books , and desk , and work table, , and box of water colours the second was the doctors consulting room, , used also as the dining room the third , changingly speckled by the rustle of the plane tree in the yard , was the doctors bedroom , and there , in a corner , stood the disused shoemakers bench and tray of tools , much as it had stood on the fifth floor of the dismal house by the wine shop, , in the suburb of saint antoine in paris . i wonder , said mr . lorry , pausing in his looking about , that he keeps that reminder of his sufferings about him . and why wonder at that . was the abrupt inquiry that made him start . it proceeded from miss pross , the wild red woman , strong of hand , whose acquaintance he had first made at the royal george hotel at dover , and had since improved . i should have thought  mr . lorry began . poh . youd have thought . said miss pross and mr . lorry left off . how do you do . inquired that lady then  , and yet as if to express that she bore him no malice . i am pretty well , i thank you , answered mr . lorry , with meekness how are you . nothing to boast of , said miss pross . indeed . ah . indeed . said miss pross . i am very much put out about my ladybird . indeed . for gracious sake say something else besides indeed , or youll fidget me to death , said miss pross whose character dissociated from stature was shortness . really , then . said mr . lorry , as an amendment . really , is bad enough , returned miss pross , but better . yes , i am very much put out . may i ask the cause . i dont want dozens of people who are not at all worthy of ladybird , to come here looking after her , said miss pross . do dozens come for that purpose . hundreds , said miss pross . it was characteristic of this lady as of some other people before her time and since that whenever her original proposition was questioned , she exaggerated it . dear me . said mr . lorry , as the safest remark he could think of . i have lived with the darling  the darling has lived with me , and paid me for it which she certainly should never have done , you may take your affidavit , if i could have afforded to keep either myself or her for nothing  she was ten years old . and its really very hard , said miss pross . not seeing with precision what was very hard , mr . lorry shook his head using that important part of himself as a sort of fairy cloak that would fit anything . all sorts of people who are not in the least degree worthy of the pet , are always turning up , said miss pross . when you began it  i began it , miss pross . didnt you . who brought her father to life . oh . if that was beginning it  said mr . lorry . it wasnt ending it , i suppose . i say , when you began it , was hard enough not that i have any fault to find with doctor manette , except that he is not worthy of such a daughter , which is no imputation on him , for it was not to be expected that anybody should be , under any circumstances . but it really is doubly and trebly hard to have crowds and multitudes of people turning up after him i could have forgiven him , to take ladybirds affections away from me . mr . lorry knew miss pross to be very jealous , but he also knew her by this time to be , beneath the service of her eccentricity , one of those unselfish creatures  only among women  will , for pure love and admiration , bind themselves willing slaves , to youth when they have lost it , to beauty that they never had , to accomplishments that they were never fortunate enough to gain , to bright hopes that never shone upon their own sombre lives . he knew enough of the world to know that there is nothing in it better than the faithful service of the heart so rendered and so free from any mercenary taint , he had such an exalted respect for it , that in the retributive arrangements made by his own mind  all make such arrangements , more or less  stationed miss pross much nearer to the lower angels than many ladies immeasurably better got up both by nature and art , who had balances at tellsons . there never was , nor will be , but one man worthy of ladybird , said miss pross and that was my brother solomon , if he hadnt made a mistake in life . here again mr . lorrys inquiries into miss prosss personal history had established the fact that her brother solomon was a heartless scoundrel who had stripped her of everything she possessed , as a stake to speculate with , and had abandoned her in her poverty for evermore , with no touch of compunction . miss prosss fidelity of belief in solomon was quite a serious matter with mr . lorry , and had its weight in his good opinion of her . as we happen to be alone for the moment , and are both people of business , he said , when they had got back to the drawing room and had sat down there in friendly relations , let me ask you  the doctor , in talking with lucie , never refer to the shoemaking time , yet . never . and yet keeps that bench and those tools beside him . ah . returned miss pross , shaking her head . but i dont say he dont refer to it within himself . do you believe that he thinks of it much . i do , said miss pross . do you imagine  mr . lorry had begun , when miss pross took him up short with never imagine anything . have no imagination at all . i stand corrected do you suppose  go so far as to suppose , sometimes . now and then , said miss pross . do you suppose , mr . lorry went on , with a laughing twinkle in his bright eye , as it looked kindly at her , that doctor manette has any theory of his own , preserved through all those years , relative to the cause of his being so oppressed perhaps , even to the name of his oppressor . i dont suppose anything about it but what ladybird tells me . and that is  . that she thinks he has . now dont be angry at my asking all these questions because i am a mere dull man of business , and you are a woman of business . dull . miss pross inquired , with placidity . rather wishing his modest adjective away , mr . lorry replied , no , . surely not . to return to business  it not remarkable that doctor manette , unquestionably innocent of any crime as we are all well assured he is , should never touch upon that question . i will not say with me , though he had business relations with me many years ago , and we are now intimate i will say with the fair daughter to whom he is so devotedly attached , and who is so devotedly attached to him . believe me , miss pross , i dont approach the topic with you , out of curiosity , but out of zealous interest . well . to the best of my understanding , and bads the best , youll tell me , said miss pross , softened by the tone of the apology , he is afraid of the whole subject . afraid . its plain enough , i should think , why he may be . its a dreadful remembrance . besides that , his loss of himself grew out of it . not knowing how he lost himself , or how he recovered himself , he may never feel certain of not losing himself again . that alone wouldnt make the subject pleasant , i should think . it was a profounder remark than mr . lorry had looked for . true , said he , and fearful to reflect upon . yet , a doubt lurks in my mind , miss pross , whether it is good for doctor manette to have that suppression always shut up within him . indeed , it is this doubt and the uneasiness it sometimes causes me that has led me to our present confidence . cant be helped , said miss pross , shaking her head . touch that string , and he instantly changes for the worse . better leave it alone . in short , must leave it alone , like or no like . sometimes , he gets up in the dead of the night , and will be heard , by us overhead there , walking up and down , walking up and down , in his room . ladybird has learnt to know then that his mind is walking up and down , walking up and down , in his old prison . she hurries to him , and they go on together , walking up and down , walking up and down , until he is composed . but he never says a word of the true reason of his restlessness , to her , and she finds it best not to hint at it to him . in silence they go walking up and down together , walking up and down together , till her love and company have brought him to himself . notwithstanding miss prosss denial of her own imagination , there was a perception of the pain of being monotonously haunted by one sad idea , in her repetition of the phrase , walking up and down , which testified to her possessing such a thing . the corner has been mentioned as a wonderful corner for echoes it had begun to echo so resoundingly to the tread of coming feet , that it seemed as though the very mention of that weary pacing to and fro had set it going . here they are . said miss pross , rising to break up the conference and now we shall have hundreds of people pretty soon . it was such a curious corner in its acoustical properties , such a peculiar ear of a place , that as mr . lorry stood at the open window , looking for the father and daughter whose steps he heard , he fancied they would never approach . not only would the echoes die away , as though the steps had gone but , echoes of other steps that never came would be heard in their stead , and would die away for good when they seemed close at hand . however , father and daughter did at last appear , and miss pross was ready at the street door to receive them . miss pross was a pleasant sight , albeit wild , and red , and grim , taking off her darlings bonnet when she came up stairs, , and touching it up with the ends of her handkerchief , and blowing the dust off it , and folding her mantle ready for laying by , and smoothing her rich hair with as much pride as she could possibly have taken in her own hair if she had been the vainest and handsomest of women . her darling was a pleasant sight too , embracing her and thanking her , and protesting against her taking so much trouble for her  last she only dared to do playfully , or miss pross , sorely hurt , would have retired to her own chamber and cried . the doctor was a pleasant sight too , looking on at them , and telling miss pross how she spoilt lucie , in accents and with eyes that had as much spoiling in them as miss pross had , and would have had more if it were possible . mr . lorry was a pleasant sight too , beaming at all this in his little wig , and thanking his bachelor stars for having lighted him in his declining years to a home . but , no hundreds of people came to see the sights , and mr . lorry looked in vain for the fulfilment of miss prosss prediction . dinner time, , and still no hundreds of people . in the arrangements of the little household , miss pross took charge of the lower regions , and always acquitted herself marvellously . her dinners , of a very modest quality , were so well cooked and so well served , and so neat in their contrivances , half english and half french , that nothing could be better . miss prosss friendship being of the thoroughly practical kind , she had ravaged soho and the adjacent provinces , in search of impoverished french , who , tempted by shillings and half crowns, , would impart culinary mysteries to her . from these decayed sons and daughters of gaul , she had acquired such wonderful arts , that the woman and girl who formed the staff of domestics regarded her as quite a sorceress , or cinderellas godmother who would send out for a fowl , a rabbit , a vegetable or two from the garden , and change them into anything she pleased . on sundays , miss pross dined at the doctors table , but on other days persisted in taking her meals at unknown periods , either in the lower regions , or in her own room on the second floor  blue chamber , to which no one but her ladybird ever gained admittance . on this occasion , miss pross , responding to ladybirds pleasant face and pleasant efforts to please her , unbent exceedingly so the dinner was very pleasant , too . it was an oppressive day , and , after dinner , lucie proposed that the wine should be carried out under the plane tree, , and they should sit there in the air . as everything turned upon her , and revolved about her , they went out under the plane tree, , and she carried the wine down for the special benefit of mr . lorry . she had installed herself , some time before , as mr . lorrys cup bearer and while they sat under the plane tree, , talking , she kept his glass replenished . mysterious backs and ends of houses peeped at them as they talked , and the plane tree whispered to them in its own way above their heads . still , the hundreds of people did not present themselves . mr . darnay presented himself while they were sitting under the plane tree, , but he was only one . doctor manette received him kindly , and so did lucie . but , miss pross suddenly became afflicted with a twitching in the head and body , and retired into the house . she was not unfrequently the victim of this disorder , and she called it , in familiar conversation , a fit of the jerks . the doctor was in his best condition , and looked specially young . the resemblance between him and lucie was very strong at such times , and as they sat side by side , she leaning on his shoulder , and he resting his arm on the back of her chair , it was very agreeable to trace the likeness . he had been talking all day , on many subjects , and with unusual vivacity . pray , doctor manette , said mr . darnay , as they sat under the plane tree he said it in the natural pursuit of the topic in hand , which happened to be the old buildings of london  you seen much of the tower . lucie and i have been there but only casually . we have seen enough of it , to know that it teems with interest little more . i have been there , as you remember , said darnay , with a smile , though reddening a little angrily , in another character , and not in a character that gives facilities for seeing much of it . they told me a curious thing when i was there . what was that . lucie asked . in making some alterations , the workmen came upon an old dungeon , which had been , for many years , built up and forgotten . every stone of its inner wall was covered by inscriptions which had been carved by prisoners  , names , complaints , and prayers . upon a corner stone in an angle of the wall , one prisoner , who seemed to have gone to execution , had cut as his last work , three letters . they were done with some very poor instrument , and hurriedly , with an unsteady hand . at first , they were read as d . i . c . but , on being more carefully examined , the last letter was found to be g . there was no record or legend of any prisoner with those initials , and many fruitless guesses were made what the name could have been . at length , it was suggested that the letters were not initials , but the complete word , dig . the floor was examined very carefully under the inscription , and , in the earth beneath a stone , or tile , or some fragment of paving , were found the ashes of a paper , mingled with the ashes of a small leathern case or bag . what the unknown prisoner had written will never be read , but he had written something , and hidden it away to keep it from the gaoler . my father , exclaimed lucie , you are ill . he had suddenly started up , with his hand to his head . his manner and his look quite terrified them all . no , my dear , not ill . there are large drops of rain falling , and they made me start . we had better go in . he recovered himself almost instantly . rain was really falling in large drops , and he showed the back of his hand with rain drops on it . but , he said not a single word in reference to the discovery that had been told of , and , as they went into the house , the business eye of mr . lorry either detected , or fancied it detected , on his face , as it turned towards charles darnay , the same singular look that had been upon it when it turned towards him in the passages of the court house . he recovered himself so quickly , however , that mr . lorry had doubts of his business eye . the arm of the golden giant in the hall was not more steady than he was , when he stopped under it to remark to them that he was not yet proof against slight surprises and that the rain had startled him . tea time, , and miss pross making tea , with another fit of the jerks upon her , and yet no hundreds of people . mr . carton had lounged in , but he made only two . the night was so very sultry , that although they sat with doors and windows open , they were overpowered by heat . when the tea table was done with , they all moved to one of the windows , and looked out into the heavy twilight . lucie sat by her father darnay sat beside her carton leaned against a window . the curtains were long and white , and some of the thunder gusts that whirled into the corner , caught them up to the ceiling , and waved them like spectral wings . the rain drops are still falling , large , heavy , and few , said doctor manette . it comes slowly . it comes surely , said carton . they spoke low , as people watching and waiting mostly do as people in a dark room , watching and waiting for lightning , always do . there was a great hurry in the streets of people speeding away to get shelter before the storm broke the wonderful corner for echoes resounded with the echoes of footsteps coming and going , yet not a footstep was there . a multitude of people , and yet a solitude . said darnay , when they had listened for a while . is it not impressive , mr . darnay . asked lucie . sometimes , i have sat here of an evening , until i have fancied  even the shade of a foolish fancy makes me shudder to night, , when all is so black and solemn  let us shudder too . we may know what it is . it will seem nothing to you . such whims are only impressive as we originate them , i think they are not to be communicated . i have sometimes sat alone here of an evening , listening , until i have made the echoes out to be the echoes of all the footsteps that are coming by and into our lives . there is a great crowd coming one day into our lives , if that be so , sydney carton struck in , his moody way . the footsteps were incessant , and the hurry of them became more and more rapid . the corner echoed and re echoed with the tread of feet some , as it seemed , under the windows some , as it seemed , in the room some coming , some going , some breaking off , some stopping altogether all in the distant streets , and not one within sight . are all these footsteps destined to come to all of us , miss manette , or are we to divide them among us . i dont know , mr . darnay i told you it was a foolish fancy , but you asked for it . when i have yielded myself to it , i have been alone , and then i have imagined them the footsteps of the people who are to come into my life , and my fathers . i take them into mine . said carton . i ask no questions and make no stipulations . there is a great crowd bearing down upon us , miss manette , and i see them  the lightning . he added the last words , after there had been a vivid flash which had shown him lounging in the window . and i hear them . he added again , after a peal of thunder . here they come , fast , fierce , and furious . it was the rush and roar of rain that he typified , and it stopped him , for no voice could be heard in it . a memorable storm of thunder and lightning broke with that sweep of water , and there was not a moments interval in crash , and fire , and rain , until after the moon rose at midnight . the great bell of saint pauls was striking one in the cleared air , when mr . lorry , escorted by jerry , high booted and bearing a lantern , set forth on his return passage to clerkenwell . there were solitary patches of road on the way between soho and clerkenwell , and mr . lorry , mindful of foot pads, , always retained jerry for this service though it was usually performed a good two hours earlier . what a night it has been . almost a night , jerry , said mr . lorry , to bring the dead out of their graves . i never see the night myself , master  yet i dont expect to  would do that , answered jerry . good night , mr . carton , said the man of business . good night , mr . darnay . shall we ever see such a night again , together . perhaps . perhaps , see the great crowd of people with its rush and roar , bearing down upon them , too . vii . monseigneur in town monseigneur , one of the great lords in power at the court , held his fortnightly reception in his grand hotel in paris . monseigneur was in his inner room , his sanctuary of sanctuaries , the holiest of holiests to the crowd of worshippers in the suite of rooms without . monseigneur was about to take his chocolate . monseigneur could swallow a great many things with ease , and was by some few sullen minds supposed to be rather rapidly swallowing france but , his mornings chocolate could not so much as get into the throat of monseigneur , without the aid of four strong men besides the cook . yes . it took four men , all four ablaze with gorgeous decoration , and the chief of them unable to exist with fewer than two gold watches in his pocket , emulative of the noble and chaste fashion set by monseigneur , to conduct the happy chocolate to monseigneurs lips . one lacquey carried the chocolate pot into the sacred presence a second , milled and frothed the chocolate with the little instrument he bore for that function a third , presented the favoured napkin a fourth he of the two gold watches , poured the chocolate out . it was impossible for monseigneur to dispense with one of these attendants on the chocolate and hold his high place under the admiring heavens . deep would have been the blot upon his escutcheon if his chocolate had been ignobly waited on by only three men he must have died of two . monseigneur had been out at a little supper last night , where the comedy and the grand opera were charmingly represented . monseigneur was out at a little supper most nights , with fascinating company . so polite and so impressible was monseigneur , that the comedy and the grand opera had far more influence with him in the tiresome articles of state affairs and state secrets , than the needs of all france . a happy circumstance for france , as the like always is for all countries similarly favoured . was for england in the regretted days of the merry stuart who sold it . monseigneur had one truly noble idea of general public business , which was , to let everything go on in its own way of particular public business , monseigneur had the other truly noble idea that it must all go his way  to his own power and pocket . of his pleasures , general and particular , monseigneur had the other truly noble idea , that the world was made for them . the text of his order altered from the original by only a pronoun , which is not much ran the earth and the fulness thereof are mine , saith monseigneur . yet , monseigneur had slowly found that vulgar embarrassments crept into his affairs , both private and public and he had , as to both classes of affairs , allied himself perforce with a farmer general . as to finances public , because monseigneur could not make anything at all of them , and must consequently let them out to somebody who could as to finances private , because farmer generals were rich , and monseigneur , after generations of great luxury and expense , was growing poor . hence monseigneur had taken his sister from a convent , while there was yet time to ward off the impending veil , the cheapest garment she could wear , and had bestowed her as a prize upon a very rich farmer general, , poor in family . which farmer general, , carrying an appropriate cane with a golden apple on the top of it , was now among the company in the outer rooms , much prostrated before by mankind  excepting superior mankind of the blood of monseigneur , who , his own wife included , looked down upon him with the loftiest contempt . a sumptuous man was the farmer general . thirty horses stood in his stables , twenty four male domestics sat in his halls , six body women waited on his wife . as one who pretended to do nothing but plunder and forage where he could , the farmer general his matrimonial relations conduced to social morality  at least the greatest reality among the personages who attended at the hotel of monseigneur that day . for , the rooms , though a beautiful scene to look at , and adorned with every device of decoration that the taste and skill of the time could achieve , were , in truth , not a sound business considered with any reference to the scarecrows in the rags and nightcaps elsewhere and not so far off , either , but that the watching towers of notre dame , almost equidistant from the two extremes , could see them both , they would have been an exceedingly uncomfortable business  that could have been anybodys business , at the house of monseigneur . military officers destitute of military knowledge naval officers with no idea of a ship civil officers without a notion of affairs brazen ecclesiastics , of the worst world worldly , with sensual eyes , loose tongues , and looser lives all totally unfit for their several callings , all lying horribly in pretending to belong to them , but all nearly or remotely of the order of monseigneur , and therefore foisted on all public employments from which anything was to be got these were to be told off by the score and the score . people not immediately connected with monseigneur or the state , yet equally unconnected with anything that was real , or with lives passed in travelling by any straight road to any true earthly end , were no less abundant . doctors who made great fortunes out of dainty remedies for imaginary disorders that never existed , smiled upon their courtly patients in the ante chambers of monseigneur . projectors who had discovered every kind of remedy for the little evils with which the state was touched , except the remedy of setting to work in earnest to root out a single sin , poured their distracting babble into any ears they could lay hold of , at the reception of monseigneur . unbelieving philosophers who were remodelling the world with words , and making card towers of babel to scale the skies with , talked with unbelieving chemists who had an eye on the transmutation of metals , at this wonderful gathering accumulated by monseigneur . exquisite gentlemen of the finest breeding , which was at that remarkable time  has been since  be known by its fruits of indifference to every natural subject of human interest , were in the most exemplary state of exhaustion , at the hotel of monseigneur . such homes had these various notabilities left behind them in the fine world of paris , that the spies among the assembled devotees of monseigneur  a goodly half of the polite company  have found it hard to discover among the angels of that sphere one solitary wife , who , in her manners and appearance , owned to being a mother . indeed , except for the mere act of bringing a troublesome creature into this world  does not go far towards the realisation of the name of mother  was no such thing known to the fashion . peasant women kept the unfashionable babies close , and brought them up , and charming grandmammas of sixty dressed and supped as at twenty . the leprosy of unreality disfigured every human creature in attendance upon monseigneur . in the outermost room were half a dozen exceptional people who had for a few years , some vague misgiving in them that things in general were going rather wrong . as a promising way of setting them right , half of the half dozen had become members of a fantastic sect of convulsionists , and were even then considering within themselves whether they should foam , rage , roar , and turn cataleptic on the spot  setting up a highly intelligible finger post to the future , for monseigneurs guidance . besides these dervishes , were other three who had rushed into another sect , which mended matters with a jargon about the centre of truth holding that man had got out of the centre of truth  did not need much demonstration  had not got out of the circumference , and that he was to be kept from flying out of the circumference , and was even to be shoved back into the centre , by fasting and seeing of spirits . among these , accordingly , much discoursing with spirits went on  it did a world of good which never became manifest . but , the comfort was , that all the company at the grand hotel of monseigneur were perfectly dressed . if the day of judgment had only been ascertained to be a dress day , everybody there would have been eternally correct . such frizzling and powdering and sticking up of hair , such delicate complexions artificially preserved and mended , such gallant swords to look at , and such delicate honour to the sense of smell , would surely keep anything going , for ever and ever . the exquisite gentlemen of the finest breeding wore little pendent trinkets that chinked as they languidly moved these golden fetters rang like precious little bells and what with that ringing , and with the rustle of silk and brocade and fine linen , there was a flutter in the air that fanned saint antoine and his devouring hunger far away . dress was the one unfailing talisman and charm used for keeping all things in their places . everybody was dressed for a fancy ball that was never to leave off . from the palace of the tuileries , through monseigneur and the whole court , through the chambers , the tribunals of justice , and all society the fancy ball descended to the common executioner who , in pursuance of the charm , was required to officiate frizzled , powdered , in a gold laced coat , pumps , and white silk stockings . at the gallows and the wheel  axe was a rarity  paris , as it was the episcopal mode among his brother professors of the provinces , monsieur orleans , and the rest , to call him , presided in this dainty dress . and who among the company at monseigneurs reception in that seventeen hundred and eightieth year of our lord , could possibly doubt , that a system rooted in a frizzled hangman , powdered , gold laced, , pumped , and white silk stockinged , would see the very stars out . monseigneur having eased his four men of their burdens and taken his chocolate , caused the doors of the holiest of holiests to be thrown open , and issued forth . then , what submission , what cringing and fawning , what servility , what abject humiliation . as to bowing down in body and spirit , nothing in that way was left for heaven  may have been one among other reasons why the worshippers of monseigneur never troubled it . bestowing a word of promise here and a smile there , a whisper on one happy slave and a wave of the hand on another , monseigneur affably passed through his rooms to the remote region of the circumference of truth . there , monseigneur turned , and came back again , and so in due course of time got himself shut up in his sanctuary by the chocolate sprites , and was seen no more . the show being over , the flutter in the air became quite a little storm , and the precious little bells went ringing downstairs . there was soon but one person left of all the crowd , and he , with his hat under his arm and his snuff box in his hand , slowly passed among the mirrors on his way out . i devote you , said this person , stopping at the last door on his way , and turning in the direction of the sanctuary , to the devil . with that , he shook the snuff from his fingers as if he had shaken the dust from his feet , and quietly walked downstairs . he was a man of about sixty , handsomely dressed , haughty in manner , and with a face like a fine mask . a face of a transparent paleness every feature in it clearly defined one set expression on it . the nose , beautifully formed otherwise , was very slightly pinched at the top of each nostril . in those two compressions , or dints , the only little change that the face ever showed , resided . they persisted in changing colour sometimes , and they would be occasionally dilated and contracted by something like a faint pulsation then , they gave a look of treachery , and cruelty , to the whole countenance . examined with attention , its capacity of helping such a look was to be found in the line of the mouth , and the lines of the orbits of the eyes , being much too horizontal and thin still , in the effect of the face made , it was a handsome face , and a remarkable one . its owner went downstairs into the courtyard , got into his carriage , and drove away . not many people had talked with him at the reception he had stood in a little space apart , and monseigneur might have been warmer in his manner . it appeared , under the circumstances , rather agreeable to him to see the common people dispersed before his horses , and often barely escaping from being run down . his man drove as if he were charging an enemy , and the furious recklessness of the man brought no check into the face , or to the lips , of the master . the complaint had sometimes made itself audible , even in that deaf city and dumb age , that , in the narrow streets without footways , the fierce patrician custom of hard driving endangered and maimed the mere vulgar in a barbarous manner . but , few cared enough for that to think of it a second time , and , in this matter , as in all others , the common wretches were left to get out of their difficulties as they could . with a wild rattle and clatter , and an inhuman abandonment of consideration not easy to be understood in these days , the carriage dashed through streets and swept round corners , with women screaming before it , and men clutching each other and clutching children out of its way . at last , swooping at a street corner by a fountain , one of its wheels came to a sickening little jolt , and there was a loud cry from a number of voices , and the horses reared and plunged . but for the latter inconvenience , the carriage probably would not have stopped carriages were often known to drive on , and leave their wounded behind , and why not . but the frightened valet had got down in a hurry , and there were twenty hands at the horses bridles . what has gone wrong . said monsieur , calmly looking out . a tall man in a nightcap had caught up a bundle from among the feet of the horses , and had laid it on the basement of the fountain , and was down in the mud and wet , howling over it like a wild animal . pardon , monsieur the marquis . said a ragged and submissive man , it is a child . why does he make that abominable noise . is it his child . excuse me , monsieur the marquis  is a pity  . the fountain was a little removed for the street opened , where it was , into a space some ten or twelve yards square . as the tall man suddenly got up from the ground , and came running at the carriage , monsieur the marquis clapped his hand for an instant on his sword hilt . killed . shrieked the man , in wild desperation , extending both arms at their length above his head , and staring at him . dead . the people closed round , and looked at monsieur the marquis . there was nothing revealed by the many eyes that looked at him but watchfulness and eagerness there was no visible menacing or anger . neither did the people say anything after the first cry , they had been silent , and they remained so . the voice of the submissive man who had spoken , was flat and tame in its extreme submission . monsieur the marquis ran his eyes over them all , as if they had been mere rats come out of their holes . he took out his purse . it is extraordinary to me , said he , that you people cannot take care of yourselves and your children . one or the other of you is for ever in the way . how do i know what injury you have done my horses . see . give him that . he threw out a gold coin for the valet to pick up , and all the heads craned forward that all the eyes might look down at it as it fell . the tall man called out again with a most unearthly cry , dead . he was arrested by the quick arrival of another man , for whom the rest made way . on seeing him , the miserable creature fell upon his shoulder , sobbing and crying , and pointing to the fountain , where some women were stooping over the motionless bundle , and moving gently about it . they were as silent , however , as the men . i know all , i know all , said the last comer . be a brave man , my gaspard . it is better for the poor little plaything to die so , than to live . it has died in a moment without pain . could it have lived an hour as happily . you are a philosopher , you there , said the marquis , smiling . how do they call you . they call me defarge . of what trade . monsieur the marquis , vendor of wine . pick up that , philosopher and vendor of wine , said the marquis , throwing him another gold coin , and spend it as you will . the horses there are they right . without deigning to look at the assemblage a second time , monsieur the marquis leaned back in his seat , and was just being driven away with the air of a gentleman who had accidentally broke some common thing , and had paid for it , and could afford to pay for it when his ease was suddenly disturbed by a coin flying into his carriage , and ringing on its floor . hold . said monsieur the marquis . hold the horses . who threw that . he looked to the spot where defarge the vendor of wine had stood , a moment before but the wretched father was grovelling on his face on the pavement in that spot , and the figure that stood beside him was the figure of a dark stout woman , knitting . you dogs . said the marquis , but smoothly , and with an unchanged front , except as to the spots on his nose i would ride over any of you very willingly , and exterminate you from the earth . if i knew which rascal threw at the carriage , and if that brigand were sufficiently near it , he should be crushed under the wheels . so cowed was their condition , and so long and hard their experience of what such a man could do to them , within the law and beyond it , that not a voice , or a hand , or even an eye was raised . among the men , not one . but the woman who stood knitting looked up steadily , and looked the marquis in the face . it was not for his dignity to notice it his contemptuous eyes passed over her , and over all the other rats and he leaned back in his seat again , and gave the word go on . he was driven on , and other carriages came whirling by in quick succession the minister , the state projector, , the farmer general, , the doctor , the lawyer , the ecclesiastic , the grand opera , the comedy , the whole fancy ball in a bright continuous flow , came whirling by . the rats had crept out of their holes to look on , and they remained looking on for hours soldiers and police often passing between them and the spectacle , and making a barrier behind which they slunk , and through which they peeped . the father had long ago taken up his bundle and bidden himself away with it , when the women who had tended the bundle while it lay on the base of the fountain , sat there watching the running of the water and the rolling of the fancy ball  the one woman who had stood conspicuous , knitting , still knitted on with the steadfastness of fate . the water of the fountain ran , the swift river ran , the day ran into evening , so much life in the city ran into death according to rule , time and tide waited for no man , the rats were sleeping close together in their dark holes again , the fancy ball was lighted up at supper , all things ran their course . viii . monseigneur in the country a beautiful landscape , with the corn bright in it , but not abundant . patches of poor rye where corn should have been , patches of poor peas and beans , patches of most coarse vegetable substitutes for wheat . on inanimate nature , as on the men and women who cultivated it , a prevalent tendency towards an appearance of vegetating unwillingly  dejected disposition to give up , and wither away . monsieur the marquis in his travelling carriage which might have been lighter , conducted by four post horses and two postilions , fagged up a steep hill . a blush on the countenance of monsieur the marquis was no impeachment of his high breeding it was not from within it was occasioned by an external circumstance beyond his control  setting sun . the sunset struck so brilliantly into the travelling carriage when it gained the hill top, , that its occupant was steeped in crimson . it will die out , said monsieur the marquis , glancing at his hands , directly . in effect , the sun was so low that it dipped at the moment . when the heavy drag had been adjusted to the wheel , and the carriage slid down hill , with a cinderous smell , in a cloud of dust , the red glow departed quickly the sun and the marquis going down together , there was no glow left when the drag was taken off . but , there remained a broken country , bold and open , a little village at the bottom of the hill , a broad sweep and rise beyond it , a church tower, , a windmill , a forest for the chase , and a crag with a fortress on it used as a prison . round upon all these darkening objects as the night drew on , the marquis looked , with the air of one who was coming near home . the village had its one poor street , with its poor brewery , poor tannery , poor tavern , poor stable yard for relays of post horses, , poor fountain , all usual poor appointments . it had its poor people too . all its people were poor , and many of them were sitting at their doors , shredding spare onions and the like for supper , while many were at the fountain , washing leaves , and grasses , and any such small yieldings of the earth that could be eaten . expressive signs of what made them poor , were not wanting the tax for the state , the tax for the church , the tax for the lord , tax local and tax general , were to be paid here and to be paid there , according to solemn inscription in the little village , until the wonder was , that there was any village left unswallowed . few children were to be seen , and no dogs . as to the men and women , their choice on earth was stated in the prospect  on the lowest terms that could sustain it , down in the little village under the mill or captivity and death in the dominant prison on the crag . heralded by a courier in advance , and by the cracking of his postilions whips , which twined snake like about their heads in the evening air , as if he came attended by the furies , monsieur the marquis drew up in his travelling carriage at the posting house gate . it was hard by the fountain , and the peasants suspended their operations to look at him . he looked at them , and saw in them , without knowing it , the slow sure filing down of misery worn face and figure , that was to make the meagreness of frenchmen an english superstition which should survive the truth through the best part of a hundred years . monsieur the marquis cast his eyes over the submissive faces that drooped before him , as the like of himself had drooped before monseigneur of the court  the difference was , that these faces drooped merely to suffer and not to propitiate  a grizzled mender of the roads joined the group . bring me hither that fellow . said the marquis to the courier . the fellow was brought , cap in hand , and the other fellows closed round to look and listen , in the manner of the people at the paris fountain . i passed you on the road . monseigneur , it is true . i had the honour of being passed on the road . coming up the hill , and at the top of the hill , both . monseigneur , it is true . what did you look at , so fixedly . monseigneur , i looked at the man . he stooped a little , and with his tattered blue cap pointed under the carriage . all his fellows stooped to look under the carriage . what man , pig . and why look there . pardon , monseigneur he swung by the chain of the shoe  drag . who . demanded the traveller . monseigneur , the man . may the devil carry away these idiots . how do you call the man . you know all the men of this part of the country . who was he . your clemency , monseigneur . he was not of this part of the country . of all the days of my life , i never saw him . swinging by the chain . to be suffocated . with your gracious permission , that was the wonder of it , monseigneur . his head hanging over  this . he turned himself sideways to the carriage , and leaned back , with his face thrown up to the sky , and his head hanging down then recovered himself , fumbled with his cap , and made a bow . what was he like . monseigneur , he was whiter than the miller . all covered with dust , white as a spectre , tall as a spectre . the picture produced an immense sensation in the little crowd but all eyes , without comparing notes with other eyes , looked at monsieur the marquis . perhaps , to observe whether he had any spectre on his conscience . truly , you did well , said the marquis , felicitously sensible that such vermin were not to ruffle him , to see a thief accompanying my carriage , and not open that great mouth of yours . bah . put him aside , monsieur gabelle . monsieur gabelle was the postmaster , and some other taxing functionary united he had come out with great obsequiousness to assist at this examination , and had held the examined by the drapery of his arm in an official manner . bah . go aside . said monsieur gabelle . lay hands on this stranger if he seeks to lodge in your village to night, , and be sure that his business is honest , gabelle . monseigneur , i am flattered to devote myself to your orders . did he run away , fellow . is that accursed . the accursed was already under the carriage with some half dozen particular friends , pointing out the chain with his blue cap . some half dozen other particular friends promptly hauled him out , and presented him breathless to monsieur the marquis . did the man run away , dolt , when we stopped for the drag . monseigneur , he precipitated himself over the hill side, , head first , as a person plunges into the river . see to it , gabelle . go on . the half dozen who were peering at the chain were still among the wheels , like sheep the wheels turned so suddenly that they were lucky to save their skins and bones they had very little else to save , or they might not have been so fortunate . the burst with which the carriage started out of the village and up the rise beyond , was soon checked by the steepness of the hill . gradually , it subsided to a foot pace , swinging and lumbering upward among the many sweet scents of a summer night . the postilions , with a thousand gossamer gnats circling about them in lieu of the furies , quietly mended the points to the lashes of their whips the valet walked by the horses the courier was audible , trotting on ahead into the dull distance . at the steepest point of the hill there was a little burial ground, , with a cross and a new large figure of our saviour on it was a poor figure in wood , done by some inexperienced rustic carver , but he had studied the figure from the life  own life , maybe  it was dreadfully spare and thin . to this distressful emblem of a great distress that had long been growing worse , and was not at its worst , a woman was kneeling . she turned her head as the carriage came up to her , rose quickly , and presented herself at the carriage door . it is you , monseigneur . monseigneur , a petition . with an exclamation of impatience , but with his unchangeable face , monseigneur looked out . how , then . what is it . always petitions . monseigneur . for the love of the great god . my husband , the forester . what of your husband , the forester . always the same with you people . he cannot pay something . he has paid all , monseigneur . he is dead . well . he is quiet . can i restore him to you . alas , no , monseigneur . but he lies yonder , under a little heap of poor grass . well . monseigneur , there are so many little heaps of poor grass . again , well . she looked an old woman , but was young . her manner was one of passionate grief by turns she clasped her veinous and knotted hands together with wild energy , and laid one of them on the carriage door , caressingly , as if it had been a human breast , and could be expected to feel the appealing touch . monseigneur , hear me . monseigneur , hear my petition . my husband died of want so many die of want so many more will die of want . again , well . can i feed them . monseigneur , the good god knows but i dont ask it . my petition is , that a morsel of stone or wood , with my husbands name , may be placed over him to show where he lies . otherwise , the place will be quickly forgotten , it will never be found when i am dead of the same malady , i shall be laid under some other heap of poor grass . monseigneur , they are so many , they increase so fast , there is so much want . monseigneur . monseigneur . the valet had put her away from the door , the carriage had broken into a brisk trot , the postilions had quickened the pace , she was left far behind , and monseigneur , again escorted by the furies , was rapidly diminishing the league or two of distance that remained between him and his chateau . the sweet scents of the summer night rose all around him , and rose , as the rain falls , impartially , on the dusty , ragged , and toil worn group at the fountain not far away to whom the mender of roads , with the aid of the blue cap without which he was nothing , still enlarged upon his man like a spectre , as long as they could bear it . by degrees , as they could bear no more , they dropped off one by one , and lights twinkled in little casements which lights , as the casements darkened , and more stars came out , seemed to have shot up into the sky instead of having been extinguished . the shadow of a large high roofed house , and of many over hanging trees , was upon monsieur the marquis by that time and the shadow was exchanged for the light of a flambeau , as his carriage stopped , and the great door of his chateau was opened to him . monsieur charles , whom i expect is he arrived from england . monseigneur , not yet . ix . the gorgons head it was a heavy mass of building , that chateau of monsieur the marquis , with a large stone courtyard before it , and two stone sweeps of staircase meeting in a stone terrace before the principal door . a stony business altogether , with heavy stone balustrades , and stone urns , and stone flowers , and stone faces of men , and stone heads of lions , in all directions . as if the gorgons head had surveyed it , when it was finished , two centuries ago . up the broad flight of shallow steps , monsieur the marquis , flambeau preceded , went from his carriage , sufficiently disturbing the darkness to elicit loud remonstrance from an owl in the roof of the great pile of stable building away among the trees . all else was so quiet , that the flambeau carried up the steps , and the other flambeau held at the great door , burnt as if they were in a close room of state , instead of being in the open night air . other sound than the owls voice there was none , save the falling of a fountain into its stone basin for , it was one of those dark nights that hold their breath by the hour together , and then heave a long low sigh , and hold their breath again . the great door clanged behind him , and monsieur the marquis crossed a hall grim with certain old boar spears, , swords , and knives of the chase grimmer with certain heavy riding rods and riding whips, , of which many a peasant , gone to his benefactor death , had felt the weight when his lord was angry . avoiding the larger rooms , which were dark and made fast for the night , monsieur the marquis , with his flambeau bearer going on before , went up the staircase to a door in a corridor . this thrown open , admitted him to his own private apartment of three rooms his bed chamber and two others . high vaulted rooms with cool uncarpeted floors , great dogs upon the hearths for the burning of wood in winter time , and all luxuries befitting the state of a marquis in a luxurious age and country . the fashion of the last louis but one , of the line that was never to break  fourteenth louis  conspicuous in their rich furniture but , it was diversified by many objects that were illustrations of old pages in the history of france . a supper table was laid for two , in the third of the rooms a round room , in one of the chateaus four extinguisher topped towers . a small lofty room , with its window wide open , and the wooden jalousie blinds closed , so that the dark night only showed in slight horizontal lines of black , alternating with their broad lines of stone colour . my nephew , said the marquis , glancing at the supper preparation they said he was not arrived . nor was he but , he had been expected with monseigneur . ah . it is not probable he will arrive to night nevertheless , leave the table as it is . i shall be ready in a quarter of an hour . in a quarter of an hour monseigneur was ready , and sat down alone to his sumptuous and choice supper . his chair was opposite to the window , and he had taken his soup , and was raising his glass of bordeaux to his lips , when he put it down . what is that . he calmly asked , looking with attention at the horizontal lines of black and stone colour . monseigneur . that . outside the blinds . open the blinds . it was done . well . monseigneur , it is nothing . the trees and the night are all that are here . the servant who spoke , had thrown the blinds wide , had looked out into the vacant darkness , and stood with that blank behind him , looking round for instructions . good , said the imperturbable master . close them again . that was done too , and the marquis went on with his supper . he was half way through it , when he again stopped with his glass in his hand , hearing the sound of wheels . it came on briskly , and came up to the front of the chateau . ask who is arrived . it was the nephew of monseigneur . he had been some few leagues behind monseigneur , early in the afternoon . he had diminished the distance rapidly , but not so rapidly as to come up with monseigneur on the road . he had heard of monseigneur , at the posting houses, , as being before him . he was to be told that supper awaited him then and there , and that he was prayed to come to it . in a little while he came . he had been known in england as charles darnay . monseigneur received him in a courtly manner , but they did not shake hands . you left paris yesterday , sir . he said to monseigneur , as he took his seat at table . yesterday . and you . i come direct . from london . yes . you have been a long time coming , said the marquis , with a smile . on the contrary i come direct . pardon me . i mean , not a long time on the journey a long time intending the journey . i have been detained by  nephew stopped a moment in his answer  business . without doubt , said the polished uncle . so long as a servant was present , no other words passed between them . when coffee had been served and they were alone together , the nephew , looking at the uncle and meeting the eyes of the face that was like a fine mask , opened a conversation . i have come back , sir , as you anticipate , pursuing the object that took me away . it carried me into great and unexpected peril but it is a sacred object , and if it had carried me to death i hope it would have sustained me . not to death , said the uncle it is not necessary to say , to death . i doubt , sir , returned the nephew , whether , if it had carried me to the utmost brink of death , you would have cared to stop me there . the deepened marks in the nose , and the lengthening of the fine straight lines in the cruel face , looked ominous as to that the uncle made a graceful gesture of protest , which was so clearly a slight form of good breeding that it was not reassuring . indeed , sir , pursued the nephew , for anything i know , you may have expressly worked to give a more suspicious appearance to the suspicious circumstances that surrounded me . no , said the uncle , pleasantly . but , however that may be , resumed the nephew , glancing at him with deep distrust , i know that your diplomacy would stop me by any means , and would know no scruple as to means . my friend , i told you so , said the uncle , with a fine pulsation in the two marks . do me the favour to recall that i told you so , long ago . i recall it . thank you , said the marquis  sweetly indeed . his tone lingered in the air , almost like the tone of a musical instrument . in effect , sir , pursued the nephew , i believe it to be at once your bad fortune , and my good fortune , that has kept me out of a prison in france here . i do not quite understand , returned the uncle , sipping his coffee . dare i ask you to explain . i believe that if you were not in disgrace with the court , and had not been overshadowed by that cloud for years past , a letter de cachet would have sent me to some fortress indefinitely . it is possible , said the uncle , with great calmness . for the honour of the family , i could even resolve to incommode you to that extent . pray excuse me . i perceive that , happily for me , the reception of the day before yesterday was , as usual , a cold one , observed the nephew . i would not say happily , my friend , returned the uncle , with refined politeness i would not be sure of that . a good opportunity for consideration , surrounded by the advantages of solitude , might influence your destiny to far greater advantage than you influence it for yourself . but it is useless to discuss the question . i am , as you say , at a disadvantage . these little instruments of correction , these gentle aids to the power and honour of families , these slight favours that might so incommode you , are only to be obtained now by interest and importunity . they are sought by so many , and they are granted to so few . it used not to be so , but france in all such things is changed for the worse . our not remote ancestors held the right of life and death over the surrounding vulgar . from this room , many such dogs have been taken out to be hanged in the next room one fellow , to our knowledge , was poniarded on the spot for professing some insolent delicacy respecting his daughter  . we have lost many privileges a new philosophy has become the mode and the assertion of our station , in these days , might i do not go so far as to say would , but might cause us real inconvenience . all very bad , very bad . the marquis took a gentle little pinch of snuff , and shook his head as elegantly despondent as he could becomingly be of a country still containing himself , that great means of regeneration . we have so asserted our station , both in the old time and in the modern time also , said the nephew , gloomily , that i believe our name to be more detested than any name in france . let us hope so , said the uncle . detestation of the high is the involuntary homage of the low . there is not , pursued the nephew , in his former tone , a face i can look at , in all this country round about us , which looks at me with any deference on it but the dark deference of fear and slavery . a compliment , said the marquis , to the grandeur of the family , merited by the manner in which the family has sustained its grandeur . hah . and he took another gentle little pinch of snuff , and lightly crossed his legs . but , when his nephew , leaning an elbow on the table , covered his eyes thoughtfully and dejectedly with his hand , the fine mask looked at him sideways with a stronger concentration of keenness , closeness , and dislike , than was comportable with its wearers assumption of indifference . repression is the only lasting philosophy . the dark deference of fear and slavery , my friend , observed the marquis , will keep the dogs obedient to the whip , as long as this roof , looking up to it , shuts out the sky . that might not be so long as the marquis supposed . if a picture of the chateau as it was to be a very few years hence , and of fifty like it as they too were to be a very few years hence , could have been shown to him that night , he might have been at a loss to claim his own from the ghastly , fire charred, , plunder wrecked rains . as for the roof he vaunted , he might have found that shutting out the sky in a new way  wit , for ever , from the eyes of the bodies into which its lead was fired , out of the barrels of a hundred thousand muskets . meanwhile , said the marquis , i will preserve the honour and repose of the family , if you will not . but you must be fatigued . shall we terminate our conference for the night . a moment more . an hour , if you please . sir , said the nephew , we have done wrong , and are reaping the fruits of wrong . we have done wrong . repeated the marquis , with an inquiring smile , and delicately pointing , first to his nephew , then to himself . our family our honourable family , whose honour is of so much account to both of us , in such different ways . even in my fathers time , we did a world of wrong , injuring every human creature who came between us and our pleasure , whatever it was . why need i speak of my fathers time , when it is equally yours . can i separate my fathers twin brother, , joint inheritor , and next successor , from himself . death has done that . said the marquis . and has left me , answered the nephew , bound to a system that is frightful to me , responsible for it , but powerless in it seeking to execute the last request of my dear mothers lips , and obey the last look of my dear mothers eyes , which implored me to have mercy and to redress and tortured by seeking assistance and power in vain . seeking them from me , my nephew , said the marquis , touching him on the breast with his forefinger  were now standing by the hearth  will for ever seek them in vain , be assured . every fine straight line in the clear whiteness of his face , was cruelly , craftily , and closely compressed , while he stood looking quietly at his nephew , with his snuff box in his hand . once again he touched him on the breast , as though his finger were the fine point of a small sword , with which , in delicate finesse , he ran him through the body , and said , my friend , i will die , perpetuating the system under which i have lived . when he had said it , he took a culminating pinch of snuff , and put his box in his pocket . better to be a rational creature , he added then , after ringing a small bell on the table , and accept your natural destiny . but you are lost , monsieur charles , i see . this property and france are lost to me , said the nephew , sadly i renounce them . are they both yours to renounce . france may be , but is the property . it is scarcely worth mentioning but , is it yet . i had no intention , in the words i used , to claim it yet . if it passed to me from you , to morrow which i have the vanity to hope is not probable . twenty years hence  you do me too much honour , said the marquis still , i prefer that supposition . would abandon it , and live otherwise and elsewhere . it is little to relinquish . what is it but a wilderness of misery and ruin . hah . said the marquis , glancing round the luxurious room . to the eye it is fair enough , here but seen in its integrity , under the sky , and by the daylight , it is a crumbling tower of waste , mismanagement , extortion , debt , mortgage , oppression , hunger , nakedness , and suffering . hah . said the marquis again , in a well satisfied manner . if it ever becomes mine , it shall be put into some hands better qualified to free it slowly from the weight that drags it down , so that the miserable people who cannot leave it and who have been long wrung to the last point of endurance , may , in another generation , suffer less but it is not for me . there is a curse on it , and on all this land . and you . said the uncle . forgive my curiosity do you , under your new philosophy , graciously intend to live . i must do , to live , what others of my countrymen , even with nobility at their backs , may have to do some day  . in england , for example . yes . the family honour , sir , is safe from me in this country . the family name can suffer from me in no other , for i bear it in no other . the ringing of the bell had caused the adjoining bed chamber to be lighted . it now shone brightly , through the door of communication . the marquis looked that way , and listened for the retreating step of his valet . england is very attractive to you , seeing how indifferently you have prospered there , he observed then , turning his calm face to his nephew with a smile . i have already said , that for my prospering there , i am sensible i may be indebted to you , sir . for the rest , it is my refuge . they say , those boastful english , that it is the refuge of many . you know a compatriot who has found a refuge there . a doctor . yes . with a daughter . yes . yes , said the marquis . you are fatigued . good night . as he bent his head in his most courtly manner , there was a secrecy in his smiling face , and he conveyed an air of mystery to those words , which struck the eyes and ears of his nephew forcibly . at the same time , the thin straight lines of the setting of the eyes , and the thin straight lips , and the markings in the nose , curved with a sarcasm that looked handsomely diabolic . yes , repeated the marquis . a doctor with a daughter . yes . so commences the new philosophy . you are fatigued . good night . it would have been of as much avail to interrogate any stone face outside the chateau as to interrogate that face of his . the nephew looked at him , in vain , in passing on to the door . good night . said the uncle . i look to the pleasure of seeing you again in the morning . good repose . light monsieur my nephew to his chamber there . burn monsieur my nephew in his bed , if you will , he added to himself , before he rang his little bell again , and summoned his valet to his own bedroom . the valet come and gone , monsieur the marquis walked to and fro in his loose chamber robe, , to prepare himself gently for sleep , that hot still night . rustling about the room , his softly slippered feet making no noise on the floor , he moved like a refined tiger  like some enchanted marquis of the impenitently wicked sort , in story , whose periodical change into tiger form was either just going off , or just coming on . he moved from end to end of his voluptuous bedroom , looking again at the scraps of the days journey that came unbidden into his mind the slow toil up the hill at sunset , the setting sun , the descent , the mill , the prison on the crag , the little village in the hollow , the peasants at the fountain , and the mender of roads with his blue cap pointing out the chain under the carriage . that fountain suggested the paris fountain , the little bundle lying on the step , the women bending over it , and the tall man with his arms up , crying , dead . i am cool now , said monsieur the marquis , and may go to bed . so , leaving only one light burning on the large hearth , he let his thin gauze curtains fall around him , and heard the night break its silence with a long sigh as he composed himself to sleep . the stone faces on the outer walls stared blindly at the black night for three heavy hours for three heavy hours , the horses in the stables rattled at their racks , the dogs barked , and the owl made a noise with very little resemblance in it to the noise conventionally assigned to the owl by men poets . but it is the obstinate custom of such creatures hardly ever to say what is set down for them . for three heavy hours , the stone faces of the chateau , lion and human , stared blindly at the night . dead darkness lay on all the landscape , dead darkness added its own hush to the hushing dust on all the roads . the burial place had got to the pass that its little heaps of poor grass were undistinguishable from one another the figure on the cross might have come down , for anything that could be seen of it . in the village , taxers and taxed were fast asleep . dreaming , perhaps , of banquets , as the starved usually do , and of ease and rest , as the driven slave and the yoked ox may , its lean inhabitants slept soundly , and were fed and freed . the fountain in the village flowed unseen and unheard , and the fountain at the chateau dropped unseen and unheard  melting away , like the minutes that were falling from the spring of time  three dark hours . then , the grey water of both began to be ghostly in the light , and the eyes of the stone faces of the chateau were opened . lighter and lighter , until at last the sun touched the tops of the still trees , and poured its radiance over the hill . in the glow , the water of the chateau fountain seemed to turn to blood , and the stone faces crimsoned . the carol of the birds was loud and high , and , on the weather beaten sill of the great window of the bed chamber of monsieur the marquis , one little bird sang its sweetest song with all its might . at this , the nearest stone face seemed to stare amazed , and , with open mouth and dropped under jaw, , looked awe stricken . now , the sun was full up , and movement began in the village . casement windows opened , crazy doors were unbarred , and people came forth shivering  , as yet , by the new sweet air . then began the rarely lightened toil of the day among the village population . some , to the fountain some , to the fields men and women here , to dig and delve men and women there , to see to the poor live stock , and lead the bony cows out , to such pasture as could be found by the roadside . in the church and at the cross , a kneeling figure or two attendant on the latter prayers , the led cow , trying for a breakfast among the weeds at its foot . the chateau awoke later , as became its quality , but awoke gradually and surely . first , the lonely boar spears and knives of the chase had been reddened as of old then , had gleamed trenchant in the morning sunshine now , doors and windows were thrown open , horses in their stables looked round over their shoulders at the light and freshness pouring in at doorways , leaves sparkled and rustled at iron grated windows , dogs pulled hard at their chains , and reared impatient to be loosed . all these trivial incidents belonged to the routine of life , and the return of morning . surely , not so the ringing of the great bell of the chateau , nor the running up and down the stairs nor the hurried figures on the terrace nor the booting and tramping here and there and everywhere , nor the quick saddling of horses and riding away . what winds conveyed this hurry to the grizzled mender of roads , already at work on the hill top beyond the village , with his days dinner not much to carry lying in a bundle that it was worth no crows while to peck at , on a heap of stones . had the birds , carrying some grains of it to a distance , dropped one over him as they sow chance seeds . whether or no , the mender of roads ran , on the sultry morning , as if for his life , down the hill , knee high in dust , and never stopped till he got to the fountain . all the people of the village were at the fountain , standing about in their depressed manner , and whispering low , but showing no other emotions than grim curiosity and surprise . the led cows , hastily brought in and tethered to anything that would hold them , were looking stupidly on , or lying down chewing the cud of nothing particularly repaying their trouble , which they had picked up in their interrupted saunter . some of the people of the chateau , and some of those of the posting house, , and all the taxing authorities , were armed more or less , and were crowded on the other side of the little street in a purposeless way , that was highly fraught with nothing . already , the mender of roads had penetrated into the midst of a group of fifty particular friends , and was smiting himself in the breast with his blue cap . what did all this portend , and what portended the swift hoisting up of monsieur gabelle behind a servant on horseback , and the conveying away of the said gabelle at a gallop , like a new version of the german ballad of leonora . it portended that there was one stone face too many , up at the chateau . the gorgon had surveyed the building again in the night , and had added the one stone face wanting the stone face for which it had waited through about two hundred years . it lay back on the pillow of monsieur the marquis . it was like a fine mask , suddenly startled , made angry , and petrified . driven home into the heart of the stone figure attached to it , was a knife . round its hilt was a frill of paper , on which was scrawled drive him fast to his tomb . this , from jacques . x . two promises more months , to the number of twelve , had come and gone , and mr . charles darnay was established in england as a higher teacher of the french language who was conversant with french literature . in this age , he would have been a professor in that age , he was a tutor . he read with young men who could find any leisure and interest for the study of a living tongue spoken all over the world , and he cultivated a taste for its stores of knowledge and fancy . he could write of them , besides , in sound english , and render them into sound english . such masters were not at that time easily found princes that had been , and kings that were to be , were not yet of the teacher class , and no ruined nobility had dropped out of tellsons ledgers , to turn cooks and carpenters . as a tutor , whose attainments made the students way unusually pleasant and profitable , and as an elegant translator who brought something to his work besides mere dictionary knowledge , young mr . darnay soon became known and encouraged . he was well acquainted , more over, , with the circumstances of his country , and those were of ever growing interest . so , with great perseverance and untiring industry , he prospered . in london , he had expected neither to walk on pavements of gold , nor to lie on beds of roses if he had any such exalted expectation , he would not have prospered . he had expected labour , and he found it , and did it and made the best of it . in this , his prosperity consisted . a certain portion of his time was passed at cambridge , where he read with undergraduates as a sort of tolerated smuggler who drove a contraband trade in european languages , instead of conveying greek and latin through the custom house . the rest of his time he passed in london . now , from the days when it was always summer in eden , to these days when it is mostly winter in fallen latitudes , the world of a man has invariably gone one way  darnays way  of the love of a woman . he had loved lucie manette from the hour of his danger . he had never heard a sound so sweet and dear as the sound of her compassionate voice he had never seen a face so tenderly beautiful , as hers when it was confronted with his own on the edge of the grave that had been dug for him . but , he had not yet spoken to her on the subject the assassination at the deserted chateau far away beyond the heaving water and the long , dusty roads  solid stone chateau which had itself become the mere mist of a dream  been done a year , and he had never yet , by so much as a single spoken word , disclosed to her the state of his heart . that he had his reasons for this , he knew full well . it was again a summer day when , lately arrived in london from his college occupation , he turned into the quiet corner in soho , bent on seeking an opportunity of opening his mind to doctor manette . it was the close of the summer day , and he knew lucie to be out with miss pross . he found the doctor reading in his arm chair at a window . the energy which had at once supported him under his old sufferings and aggravated their sharpness , had been gradually restored to him . he was now a very energetic man indeed , with great firmness of purpose , strength of resolution , and vigour of action . in his recovered energy he was sometimes a little fitful and sudden , as he had at first been in the exercise of his other recovered faculties but , this had never been frequently observable , and had grown more and more rare . he studied much , slept little , sustained a great deal of fatigue with ease , and was equably cheerful . to him , now entered charles darnay , at sight of whom he laid aside his book and held out his hand . charles darnay . i rejoice to see you . we have been counting on your return these three or four days past . mr . stryver and sydney carton were both here yesterday , and both made you out to be more than due . i am obliged to them for their interest in the matter , he answered , a little coldly as to them , though very warmly as to the doctor . miss manette  is well , said the doctor , as he stopped short , and your return will delight us all . she has gone out on some household matters , but will soon be home . doctor manette , i knew she was from home . i took the opportunity of her being from home , to beg to speak to you . there was a blank silence . yes . said the doctor , with evident constraint . bring your chair here , and speak on . he complied as to the chair , but appeared to find the speaking on less easy . i have had the happiness , doctor manette , of being so intimate here , so he at length began , for some year and a half , that i hope the topic on which i am about to touch may not  he was stayed by the doctors putting out his hand to stop him . when he had kept it so a little while , he said , drawing it back is lucie the topic . she is . it is hard for me to speak of her at any time . it is very hard for me to hear her spoken of in that tone of yours , charles darnay . it is a tone of fervent admiration , true homage , and deep love , doctor manette . he said deferentially . there was another blank silence before her father rejoined i believe it . i do you justice i believe it . his constraint was so manifest , and it was so manifest , too , that it originated in an unwillingness to approach the subject , that charles darnay hesitated . shall i go on , sir . another blank . yes , go on . you anticipate what i would say , though you cannot know how earnestly i say it , how earnestly i feel it , without knowing my secret heart , and the hopes and fears and anxieties with which it has long been laden . dear doctor manette , i love your daughter fondly , dearly , disinterestedly , devotedly . if ever there were love in the world , i love her . you have loved yourself let your old love speak for me . the doctor sat with his face turned away , and his eyes bent on the ground . at the last words , he stretched out his hand again , hurriedly , and cried not that , sir . let that be . i adjure you , do not recall that . his cry was so like a cry of actual pain , that it rang in charles darnays ears long after he had ceased . he motioned with the hand he had extended , and it seemed to be an appeal to darnay to pause . the latter so received it , and remained silent . i ask your pardon , said the doctor , in a subdued tone , after some moments . i do not doubt your loving lucie you may be satisfied of it . he turned towards him in his chair , but did not look at him , or raise his eyes . his chin dropped upon his hand , and his white hair overshadowed his face have you spoken to lucie . no . nor written . never . it would be ungenerous to affect not to know that your self denial is to be referred to your consideration for her father . her father thanks you . he offered his hand but his eyes did not go with it . i know , said darnay , respectfully , how can i fail to know , doctor manette , i who have seen you together from day to day , that between you and miss manette there is an affection so unusual , so touching , so belonging to the circumstances in which it has been nurtured , that it can have few parallels , even in the tenderness between a father and child . i know , doctor manette  can i fail to know  , mingled with the affection and duty of a daughter who has become a woman , there is , in her heart , towards you , all the love and reliance of infancy itself . i know that , as in her childhood she had no parent , so she is now devoted to you with all the constancy and fervour of her present years and character , united to the trustfulness and attachment of the early days in which you were lost to her . i know perfectly well that if you had been restored to her from the world beyond this life , you could hardly be invested , in her sight , with a more sacred character than that in which you are always with her . i know that when she is clinging to you , the hands of baby , girl , and woman , all in one , are round your neck . i know that in loving you she sees and loves her mother at her own age , sees and loves you at my age , loves her mother broken hearted, , loves you through your dreadful trial and in your blessed restoration . i have known this , night and day , since i have known you in your home . her father sat silent , with his face bent down . his breathing was a little quickened but he repressed all other signs of agitation . dear doctor manette , always knowing this , always seeing her and you with this hallowed light about you , i have forborne , and forborne , as long as it was in the nature of man to do it . i have felt , and do even now feel , that to bring my love  mine  you , is to touch your history with something not quite so good as itself . but i love her . heaven is my witness that i love her . i believe it , answered her father , mournfully . i have thought so before now . i believe it . but , do not believe , said darnay , upon whose ear the mournful voice struck with a reproachful sound , that if my fortune were so cast as that , being one day so happy as to make her my wife , i must at any time put any separation between her and you , i could or would breathe a word of what i now say . besides that i should know it to be hopeless , i should know it to be a baseness . if i had any such possibility , even at a remote distance of years , harboured in my thoughts , and hidden in my heart  it ever had been there  it ever could be there  could not now touch this honoured hand . he laid his own upon it as he spoke . no , dear doctor manette . like you , a voluntary exile from france like you , driven from it by its distractions , oppressions , and miseries like you , striving to live away from it by my own exertions , and trusting in a happier future i look only to sharing your fortunes , sharing your life and home , and being faithful to you to the death . not to divide with lucie her privilege as your child , companion , and friend but to come in aid of it , and bind her closer to you , if such a thing can be . his touch still lingered on her fathers hand . answering the touch for a moment , but not coldly , her father rested his hands upon the arms of his chair , and looked up for the first time since the beginning of the conference . a struggle was evidently in his face a struggle with that occasional look which had a tendency in it to dark doubt and dread . you speak so feelingly and so manfully , charles darnay , that i thank you with all my heart , and will open all my heart  nearly so . have you any reason to believe that lucie loves you . none . as yet , none . is it the immediate object of this confidence , that you may at once ascertain that , with my knowledge . not even so . i might not have the hopefulness to do it for weeks i might have that hopefulness to morrow . do you seek any guidance from me . i ask none , sir . but i have thought it possible that you might have it in your power , if you should deem it right , to give me some . do you seek any promise from me . i do seek that . what is it . i well understand that , without you , i could have no hope . i well understand that , even if miss manette held me at this moment in her innocent heart  not think i have the presumption to assume so much  could retain no place in it against her love for her father . if that be so , do you see what , on the other hand , is involved in it . i understand equally well , that a word from her father in any suitors favour , would outweigh herself and all the world . for which reason , doctor manette , said darnay , modestly but firmly , i would not ask that word , to save my life . i am sure of it . charles darnay , mysteries arise out of close love , as well as out of wide division in the former case , they are subtle and delicate , and difficult to penetrate . my daughter lucie is , in this one respect , such a mystery to me i can make no guess at the state of her heart . may i ask , sir , if you think she is  as he hesitated , her father supplied the rest . is sought by any other suitor . it is what i meant to say . her father considered a little before he answered you have seen mr . carton here , yourself . mr . stryver is here too , occasionally . if it be at all , it can only be by one of these . or both , said darnay . i had not thought of both i should not think either , likely . you want a promise from me . tell me what it is . it is , that if miss manette should bring to you at any time , on her own part , such a confidence as i have ventured to lay before you , will bear testimony to what i have said , and to your belief in it . i hope you may be able to think so well of me , as to urge no influence against me . i say nothing more of my stake in this is what i ask . the condition on which i ask it , and which you have an undoubted right to require , i will observe immediately . i give the promise , said the doctor , without any condition . i believe your object to be , purely and truthfully , as you have stated it . i believe your intention is to perpetuate , and not to weaken , the ties between me and my other and far dearer self . if she should ever tell me that you are essential to her perfect happiness , i will give her to you . if there were  darnay , if there were  the young man had taken his hand gratefully their hands were joined as the doctor spoke fancies , any reasons , any apprehensions , anything whatsoever , new or old , against the man she really loved  direct responsibility thereof not lying on his head  should all be obliterated for her sake . she is everything to me more to me than suffering , more to me than wrong , more to me  . this is idle talk . so strange was the way in which he faded into silence , and so strange his fixed look when he had ceased to speak , that darnay felt his own hand turn cold in the hand that slowly released and dropped it . you said something to me , said doctor manette , breaking into a smile . what was it you said to me . he was at a loss how to answer , until he remembered having spoken of a condition . relieved as his mind reverted to that , he answered your confidence in me ought to be returned with full confidence on my part . my present name , though but slightly changed from my mothers , is not , as you will remember , my own . i wish to tell you what that is , and why i am in england . stop . said the doctor of beauvais . i wish it , that i may the better deserve your confidence , and have no secret from you . stop . for an instant , the doctor even had his two hands at his ears for another instant , even had his two hands laid on darnays lips . tell me when i ask you , not now . if your suit should prosper , if lucie should love you , shall tell me on your marriage morning . do you promise . willingly . give me your hand . she will be home directly , and it is better she should not see us together to night . go . god bless you . it was dark when charles darnay left him , and it was an hour later and darker when lucie came home she hurried into the room alone  miss pross had gone straight up stairs was surprised to find his reading chair empty . my father . she called to him . father dear . nothing was said in answer , but she heard a low hammering sound in his bedroom . passing lightly across the intermediate room , she looked in at his door and came running back frightened , crying to herself , with her blood all chilled , what shall i do . what shall i do . her uncertainty lasted but a moment she hurried back , and tapped at his door , and softly called to him . the noise ceased at the sound of her voice , and he presently came out to her , and they walked up and down together for a long time . she came down from her bed , to look at him in his sleep that night . he slept heavily , and his tray of shoemaking tools , and his old unfinished work , were all as usual . xi . a companion picture sydney , said mr . stryver , on that self same night , or morning , to his jackal mix another bowl of punch i have something to say to you . sydney had been working double tides that night , and the night before , and the night before that , and a good many nights in succession , making a grand clearance among mr . stryvers papers before the setting in of the long vacation . the clearance was effected at last the stryver arrears were handsomely fetched up everything was got rid of until november should come with its fogs atmospheric , and fogs legal , and bring grist to the mill again . sydney was none the livelier and none the soberer for so much application . it had taken a deal of extra wet towelling to pull him through the night a correspondingly extra quantity of wine had preceded the towelling and he was in a very damaged condition , as he now pulled his turban off and threw it into the basin in which he had steeped it at intervals for the last six hours . are you mixing that other bowl of punch . said stryver the portly , with his hands in his waistband , glancing round from the sofa where he lay on his back . i am . now , look here . i am going to tell you something that will rather surprise you , and that perhaps will make you think me not quite as shrewd as you usually do think me . i intend to marry . do you . yes . and not for money . what do you say now . i dont feel disposed to say much . who is she . guess . do i know her . guess . i am not going to guess , at five oclock in the morning , with my brains frying and sputtering in my head . if you want me to guess , you must ask me to dinner . well then , ill tell you , said stryver , coming slowly into a sitting posture . sydney , i rather despair of making myself intelligible to you , because you are such an insensible dog . and you , returned sydney , busy concocting the punch , are such a sensitive and poetical spirit  come . rejoined stryver , laughing boastfully , though i dont prefer any claim to being the soul of romance still i am a tenderer sort of fellow than you . you are a luckier , if you mean that . i dont mean that . i mean i am a man of more  say gallantry , while you are about it , suggested carton . well . ill say gallantry . my meaning is that i am a man , said stryver , inflating himself at his friend as he made the punch , who cares more to be agreeable , who takes more pains to be agreeable , who knows better how to be agreeable , in a womans society , than you do . go on , said sydney carton . no but before i go on , said stryver , shaking his head in his bullying way , ill have this out with you . youve been at doctor manettes house as much as i have , or more than i have . why , i have been ashamed of your moroseness there . your manners have been of that silent and sullen and hangdog kind , that , upon my life and soul , i have been ashamed of you , sydney . it should be very beneficial to a man in your practice at the bar , to be ashamed of anything , returned sydney you ought to be much obliged to me . you shall not get off in that way , rejoined stryver , shouldering the rejoinder at him no , sydney , its my duty to tell you  i tell you to your face to do you good  you are a devilish ill conditioned fellow in that sort of society . you are a disagreeable fellow . sydney drank a bumper of the punch he had made , and laughed . look at me . said stryver , squaring himself i have less need to make myself agreeable than you have , being more independent in circumstances . why do i do it . i never saw you do it yet , muttered carton . i do it because its politic i do it on principle . and look at me . i get on . you dont get on with your account of your matrimonial intentions , answered carton , with a careless air i wish you would keep to that . as to me  you never understand that i am incorrigible . he asked the question with some appearance of scorn . you have no business to be incorrigible , was his friends answer , delivered in no very soothing tone . i have no business to be , at all , that i know of , said sydney carton . who is the lady . now , dont let my announcement of the name make you uncomfortable , sydney , said mr . stryver , preparing him with ostentatious friendliness for the disclosure he was about to make , because i know you dont mean half you say and if you meant it all , it would be of no importance . i make this little preface , because you once mentioned the young lady to me in slighting terms . i did . certainly and in these chambers . sydney carton looked at his punch and looked at his complacent friend drank his punch and looked at his complacent friend . you made mention of the young lady as a golden haired doll . the young lady is miss manette . if you had been a fellow of any sensitiveness or delicacy of feeling in that kind of way , sydney , i might have been a little resentful of your employing such a designation but you are not . you want that sense altogether therefore i am no more annoyed when i think of the expression , than i should be annoyed by a mans opinion of a picture of mine , who had no eye for pictures or of a piece of music of mine , who had no ear for music . sydney carton drank the punch at a great rate drank it by bumpers , looking at his friend . now you know all about it , syd , said mr . stryver . i dont care about fortune she is a charming creature , and i have made up my mind to please myself on the whole , i think i can afford to please myself . she will have in me a man already pretty well off , and a rapidly rising man , and a man of some distinction it is a piece of good fortune for her , but she is worthy of good fortune . are you astonished . carton , still drinking the punch , rejoined , why should i be astonished . you approve . carton , still drinking the punch , rejoined , why should i not approve . well . said his friend stryver , you take it more easily than i fancied you would , and are less mercenary on my behalf than i thought you would be though , to be sure , you know well enough by this time that your ancient chum is a man of a pretty strong will . yes , sydney , i have had enough of this style of life , with no other as a change from it i feel that it is a pleasant thing for a man to have a home when he feels inclined to go to it and i feel that miss manette will tell well in any station , and will always do me credit . so i have made up my mind . and now , sydney , old boy , i want to say a word to you about your prospects . you are in a bad way , you know you really are in a bad way . you dont know the value of money , you live hard , youll knock up one of these days , and be ill and poor you really ought to think about a nurse . the prosperous patronage with which he said it , made him look twice as big as he was , and four times as offensive . now , let me recommend you , pursued stryver , to look it in the face . i have looked it in the face , in my different way look it in the face , you , in your different way . marry . provide somebody to take care of you . never mind your having no enjoyment of womens society , nor understanding of it , nor tact for it . find out somebody . find out some respectable woman with a little property  in the landlady way , or lodging letting way  marry her , against a rainy day . thats the kind of thing for you . now think of it , sydney . ill think of it , said sydney . xii . the fellow of delicacy mr . stryver having made up his mind to that magnanimous bestowal of good fortune on the doctors daughter , resolved to make her happiness known to her before he left town for the long vacation . after some mental debating of the point , he came to the conclusion that it would be as well to get all the preliminaries done with , and they could then arrange at their leisure whether he should give her his hand a week or two before michaelmas term , or in the little christmas vacation between it and hilary . as to the strength of his case , he had not a doubt about it , but clearly saw his way to the verdict . argued with the jury on substantial worldly grounds  only grounds ever worth taking into account  was a plain case , and had not a weak spot in it . he called himself for the plaintiff , there was no getting over his evidence , the counsel for the defendant threw up his brief , and the jury did not even turn to consider . after trying it , stryver , c . j . was satisfied that no plainer case could be . accordingly , mr . stryver inaugurated the long vacation with a formal proposal to take miss manette to vauxhall gardens that failing , to ranelagh that unaccountably failing too , it behoved him to present himself in soho , and there declare his noble mind . towards soho , therefore , mr . stryver shouldered his way from the temple , while the bloom of the long vacations infancy was still upon it . anybody who had seen him projecting himself into soho while he was yet on saint dunstans side of temple bar , bursting in his full blown way along the pavement , to the jostlement of all weaker people , might have seen how safe and strong he was . his way taking him past tellsons , and he both banking at tellsons and knowing mr . lorry as the intimate friend of the manettes , it entered mr . stryvers mind to enter the bank , and reveal to mr . lorry the brightness of the soho horizon . so , he pushed open the door with the weak rattle in its throat , stumbled down the two steps , got past the two ancient cashiers , and shouldered himself into the musty back closet where mr . lorry sat at great books ruled for figures , with perpendicular iron bars to his window as if that were ruled for figures too , and everything under the clouds were a sum . halloa . said mr . stryver . how do you do . i hope you are well . it was stryvers grand peculiarity that he always seemed too big for any place , or space . he was so much too big for tellsons , that old clerks in distant corners looked up with looks of remonstrance , as though he squeezed them against the wall . the house itself , magnificently reading the paper quite in the far off perspective , lowered displeased , as if the stryver head had been butted into its responsible waistcoat . the discreet mr . lorry said , in a sample tone of the voice he would recommend under the circumstances , how do you do , mr . stryver . how do you do , sir . and shook hands . there was a peculiarity in his manner of shaking hands , always to be seen in any clerk at tellsons who shook hands with a customer when the house pervaded the air . he shook in a self abnegating way , as one who shook for tellson and co . can i do anything for you , mr . stryver . asked mr . lorry , in his business character . why , no , thank you this is a private visit to yourself , mr . lorry i have come for a private word . oh indeed . said mr . lorry , bending down his ear , while his eye strayed to the house afar off . i am going , said mr . stryver , leaning his arms confidentially on the desk whereupon , although it was a large double one , there appeared to be not half desk enough for him i am going to make an offer of myself in marriage to your agreeable little friend , miss manette , mr . lorry . oh dear me . cried mr . lorry , rubbing his chin , and looking at his visitor dubiously . oh dear me , sir . repeated stryver , drawing back . oh dear you , sir . what may your meaning be , mr . lorry . my meaning , answered the man of business , is , of course , friendly and appreciative , and that it does you the greatest credit , and  short , my meaning is everything you could desire . but  , you know , mr . stryver  mr . lorry paused , and shook his head at him in the oddest manner , as if he were compelled against his will to add , internally , you know there really is so much too much of you . well . said stryver , slapping the desk with his contentious hand , opening his eyes wider , and taking a long breath , if i understand you , mr . lorry , ill be hanged . mr . lorry adjusted his little wig at both ears as a means towards that end , and bit the feather of a pen . d  it all , sir . said stryver , staring at him , am i not eligible . oh dear yes . yes . oh yes , youre eligible . said mr . lorry . if you say eligible , you are eligible . am i not prosperous . asked stryver . oh . if you come to prosperous , you are prosperous , said mr . lorry . and advancing . if you come to advancing you know , said mr . lorry , delighted to be able to make another admission , nobody can doubt that . then what on earth is your meaning , mr . lorry . demanded stryver , perceptibly crestfallen . well . i  you going there now . asked mr . lorry . straight . said stryver , with a plump of his fist on the desk . then i think i wouldnt , if i was you . why . said stryver . now , ill put you in a corner , forensically shaking a forefinger at him . you are a man of business and bound to have a reason . state your reason . why wouldnt you go . because , said mr . lorry , i wouldnt go on such an object without having some cause to believe that i should succeed . d  me . cried stryver , but this beats everything . mr . lorry glanced at the distant house , and glanced at the angry stryver . heres a man of business  man of years  man of experience  a bank , said stryver and having summed up three leading reasons for complete success , he says theres no reason at all . says it with his head on . mr . stryver remarked upon the peculiarity as if it would have been infinitely less remarkable if he had said it with his head off . when i speak of success , i speak of success with the young lady and when i speak of causes and reasons to make success probable , i speak of causes and reasons that will tell as such with the young lady . the young lady , my good sir , said mr . lorry , mildly tapping the stryver arm , the young lady . the young lady goes before all . then you mean to tell me , mr . lorry , said stryver , squaring his elbows , that it is your deliberate opinion that the young lady at present in question is a mincing fool . not exactly so . i mean to tell you , mr . stryver , said mr . lorry , reddening , that i will hear no disrespectful word of that young lady from any lips and that if i knew any man  i hope i do not  taste was so coarse , and whose temper was so overbearing , that he could not restrain himself from speaking disrespectfully of that young lady at this desk , not even tellsons should prevent my giving him a piece of my mind . the necessity of being angry in a suppressed tone had put mr . stryvers blood vessels into a dangerous state when it was his turn to be angry mr . lorrys veins , methodical as their courses could usually be , were in no better state now it was his turn . that is what i mean to tell you , sir , said mr . lorry . pray let there be no mistake about it . mr . stryver sucked the end of a ruler for a little while , and then stood hitting a tune out of his teeth with it , which probably gave him the toothache . he broke the awkward silence by saying this is something new to me , mr . lorry . you deliberately advise me not to go up to soho and offer myself  , stryver of the kings bench bar . do you ask me for my advice , mr . stryver . yes , i do . very good . then i give it , and you have repeated it correctly . and all i can say of it is , laughed stryver with a vexed laugh , that this  , ha . everything past , present , and to come . now understand me , pursued mr . lorry . as a man of business , i am not justified in saying anything about this matter , for , as a man of business , i know nothing of it . but , as an old fellow , who has carried miss manette in his arms , who is the trusted friend of miss manette and of her father too , and who has a great affection for them both , i have spoken . the confidence is not of my seeking , recollect . now , you think i may not be right . not i . said stryver , whistling . i cant undertake to find third parties in common sense i can only find it for myself . i suppose sense in certain quarters you suppose mincing bread and nonsense . its new to me , but you are right , i dare say . what i suppose , mr . stryver , i claim to characterise for myself  understand me , sir , said mr . lorry , quickly flushing again , i will not  even at tellsons  it characterised for me by any gentleman breathing . there . i beg your pardon . said stryver . granted . thank you . well , mr . stryver , i was about to say  might be painful to you to find yourself mistaken , it might be painful to doctor manette to have the task of being explicit with you , it might be very painful to miss manette to have the task of being explicit with you . you know the terms upon which i have the honour and happiness to stand with the family . if you please , committing you in no way , representing you in no way , i will undertake to correct my advice by the exercise of a little new observation and judgment expressly brought to bear upon it . if you should then be dissatisfied with it , you can but test its soundness for yourself if , on the other hand , you should be satisfied with it , and it should be what it now is , it may spare all sides what is best spared . what do you say . how long would you keep me in town . oh . it is only a question of a few hours . i could go to soho in the evening , and come to your chambers afterwards . then i say yes , said stryver i wont go up there now , i am not so hot upon it as that comes to i say yes , and i shall expect you to look in to night . good morning . then mr . stryver turned and burst out of the bank , causing such a concussion of air on his passage through , that to stand up against it bowing behind the two counters , required the utmost remaining strength of the two ancient clerks . those venerable and feeble persons were always seen by the public in the act of bowing , and were popularly believed , when they had bowed a customer out , still to keep on bowing in the empty office until they bowed another customer in . the barrister was keen enough to divine that the banker would not have gone so far in his expression of opinion on any less solid ground than moral certainty . unprepared as he was for the large pill he had to swallow , he got it down . and now , said mr . stryver , shaking his forensic forefinger at the temple in general , when it was down , my way out of this , is , to put you all in the wrong . it was a bit of the art of an old bailey tactician , in which he found great relief . you shall not put me in the wrong , young lady , said mr . stryver ill do that for you . accordingly , when mr . lorry called that night as late as ten oclock , mr . stryver , among a quantity of books and papers littered out for the purpose , seemed to have nothing less on his mind than the subject of the morning . he even showed surprise when he saw mr . lorry , and was altogether in an absent and preoccupied state . well . said that good natured emissary , after a full half hour of bootless attempts to bring him round to the question . i have been to soho . to soho . repeated mr . stryver , coldly . oh , to be sure . what am i thinking of . and i have no doubt , said mr . lorry , that i was right in the conversation we had . my opinion is confirmed , and i reiterate my advice . i assure you , returned mr . stryver , in the friendliest way , that i am sorry for it on your account , and sorry for it on the poor fathers account . i know this must always be a sore subject with the family let us say no more about it . i dont understand you , said mr . lorry . i dare say not , rejoined stryver , nodding his head in a smoothing and final way no matter , no matter . but it does matter , mr . lorry urged . no it doesnt i assure you it doesnt . having supposed that there was sense where there is no sense , and a laudable ambition where there is not a laudable ambition , i am well out of my mistake , and no harm is done . young women have committed similar follies often before , and have repented them in poverty and obscurity often before . in an unselfish aspect , i am sorry that the thing is dropped , because it would have been a bad thing for me in a worldly point of view in a selfish aspect , i am glad that the thing has dropped , because it would have been a bad thing for me in a worldly point of view  is hardly necessary to say i could have gained nothing by it . there is no harm at all done . i have not proposed to the young lady , and , between ourselves , i am by no means certain , on reflection , that i ever should have committed myself to that extent . mr . lorry , you cannot control the mincing vanities and giddinesses of empty headed girls you must not expect to do it , or you will always be disappointed . now , pray say no more about it . i tell you , i regret it on account of others , but i am satisfied on my own account . and i am really very much obliged to you for allowing me to sound you , and for giving me your advice you know the young lady better than i do you were right , it never would have done . mr . lorry was so taken aback , that he looked quite stupidly at mr . stryver shouldering him towards the door , with an appearance of showering generosity , forbearance , and goodwill , on his erring head . make the best of it , my dear sir , said stryver say no more about it thank you again for allowing me to sound you good night . mr . lorry was out in the night , before he knew where he was . mr . stryver was lying back on his sofa , winking at his ceiling . xiii . the fellow of no delicacy if sydney carton ever shone anywhere , he certainly never shone in the house of doctor manette . he had been there often , during a whole year , and had always been the same moody and morose lounger there . when he cared to talk , he talked well but , the cloud of caring for nothing , which overshadowed him with such a fatal darkness , was very rarely pierced by the light within him . and yet he did care something for the streets that environed that house , and for the senseless stones that made their pavements . many a night he vaguely and unhappily wandered there , when wine had brought no transitory gladness to him many a dreary daybreak revealed his solitary figure lingering there , and still lingering there when the first beams of the sun brought into strong relief , removed beauties of architecture in spires of churches and lofty buildings , as perhaps the quiet time brought some sense of better things , else forgotten and unattainable , into his mind . of late , the neglected bed in the temple court had known him more scantily than ever and often when he had thrown himself upon it no longer than a few minutes , he had got up again , and haunted that neighbourhood . on a day in august , when mr . stryver after notifying to his jackal that he had thought better of that marrying matter had carried his delicacy into devonshire , and when the sight and scent of flowers in the city streets had some waifs of goodness in them for the worst , of health for the sickliest , and of youth for the oldest , sydneys feet still trod those stones . from being irresolute and purposeless , his feet became animated by an intention , and , in the working out of that intention , they took him to the doctors door . he was shown up stairs, , and found lucie at her work , alone . she had never been quite at her ease with him , and received him with some little embarrassment as he seated himself near her table . but , looking up at his face in the interchange of the first few common places, , she observed a change in it . i fear you are not well , mr . carton . no . but the life i lead , miss manette , is not conducive to health . what is to be expected of , or by , such profligates . is it not  me i have begun the question on my lips  pity to live no better life . god knows it is a shame . then why not change it . looking gently at him again , she was surprised and saddened to see that there were tears in his eyes . there were tears in his voice too , as he answered it is too late for that . i shall never be better than i am . i shall sink lower , and be worse . he leaned an elbow on her table , and covered his eyes with his hand . the table trembled in the silence that followed . she had never seen him softened , and was much distressed . he knew her to be so , without looking at her , and said pray forgive me , miss manette . i break down before the knowledge of what i want to say to you . will you hear me . if it will do you any good , mr . carton , if it would make you happier , it would make me very glad . god bless you for your sweet compassion . he unshaded his face after a little while , and spoke steadily . dont be afraid to hear me . dont shrink from anything i say . i am like one who died young . all my life might have been . no , mr . carton . i am sure that the best part of it might still be i am sure that you might be much , worthier of yourself . say of you , miss manette , and although i know better  in the mystery of my own wretched heart i know better  shall never forget it . she was pale and trembling . he came to her relief with a fixed despair of himself which made the interview unlike any other that could have been holden . if it had been possible , miss manette , that you could have returned the love of the man you see before yourself  away , wasted , drunken , poor creature of misuse as you know him to be  would have been conscious this day and hour , in spite of his happiness , that he would bring you to misery , bring you to sorrow and repentance , blight you , disgrace you , pull you down with him . i know very well that you can have no tenderness for me i ask for none i am even thankful that it cannot be . without it , can i not save you , mr . carton . can i not recall you  me again . a better course . can i in no way repay your confidence . i know this is a confidence , she modestly said , after a little hesitation , and in earnest tears , i know you would say this to no one else . can i turn it to no good account for yourself , mr . carton . he shook his head . to none . no , miss manette , to none . if you will hear me through a very little more , all you can ever do for me is done . i wish you to know that you have been the last dream of my soul . in my degradation i have not been so degraded but that the sight of you with your father , and of this home made such a home by you , has stirred old shadows that i thought had died out of me . since i knew you , i have been troubled by a remorse that i thought would never reproach me again , and have heard whispers from old voices impelling me upward , that i thought were silent for ever . i have had unformed ideas of striving afresh , beginning anew , shaking off sloth and sensuality , and fighting out the abandoned fight . a dream , all a dream , that ends in nothing , and leaves the sleeper where he lay down , but i wish you to know that you inspired it . will nothing of it remain . o mr . carton , think again . try again . no , miss manette all through it , i have known myself to be quite undeserving . and yet i have had the weakness , and have still the weakness , to wish you to know with what a sudden mastery you kindled me , heap of ashes that i am , into fire  however , inseparable in its nature from myself , quickening nothing , lighting nothing , doing no service , idly burning away . since it is my misfortune , mr . carton , to have made you more unhappy than you were before you knew me  dont say that , miss manette , for you would have reclaimed me , if anything could . you will not be the cause of my becoming worse . since the state of your mind that you describe , is , at all events , attributable to some influence of mine  is what i mean , if i can make it plain  i use no influence to serve you . have i no power for good , with you , at all . the utmost good that i am capable of now , miss manette , i have come here to realise . let me carry through the rest of my misdirected life , the remembrance that i opened my heart to you , last of all the world and that there was something left in me at this time which you could deplore and pity . which i entreated you to believe , again and again , most fervently , with all my heart , was capable of better things , mr . carton . entreat me to believe it no more , miss manette . i have proved myself , and i know better . i distress you i draw fast to an end . will you let me believe , when i recall this day , that the last confidence of my life was reposed in your pure and innocent breast , and that it lies there alone , and will be shared by no one . if that will be a consolation to you , yes . not even by the dearest one ever to be known to you . mr . carton , she answered , after an agitated pause , the secret is yours , not mine and i promise to respect it . thank you . and again , god bless you . he put her hand to his lips , and moved towards the door . be under no apprehension , miss manette , of my ever resuming this conversation by so much as a passing word . i will never refer to it again . if i were dead , that could not be surer than it is henceforth . in the hour of my death , i shall hold sacred the one good remembrance  shall thank and bless you for it  my last avowal of myself was made to you , and that my name , and faults , and miseries were gently carried in your heart . may it otherwise be light and happy . he was so unlike what he had ever shown himself to be , and it was so sad to think how much he had thrown away , and how much he every day kept down and perverted , that lucie manette wept mournfully for him as he stood looking back at her . be comforted . he said , i am not worth such feeling , miss manette . an hour or two hence , and the low companions and low habits that i scorn but yield to , will render me less worth such tears as those , than any wretch who creeps along the streets . be comforted . but , within myself , i shall always be , towards you , what i am now , though outwardly i shall be what you have heretofore seen me . the last supplication but one i make to you , is , that you will believe this of me . i will , mr . carton . my last supplication of all , is this and with it , i will relieve you of a visitor with whom i well know you have nothing in unison , and between whom and you there is an impassable space . it is useless to say it , i know , but it rises out of my soul . for you , and for any dear to you , i would do anything . if my career were of that better kind that there was any opportunity or capacity of sacrifice in it , i would embrace any sacrifice for you and for those dear to you . try to hold me in your mind , at some quiet times , as ardent and sincere in this one thing . the time will come , the time will not be long in coming , when new ties will be formed about you  that will bind you yet more tenderly and strongly to the home you so adorn  dearest ties that will ever grace and gladden you . o miss manette , when the little picture of a happy fathers face looks up in yours , when you see your own bright beauty springing up anew at your feet , think now and then that there is a man who would give his life , to keep a life you love beside you . he said , farewell . said a last god bless you . and left her . xiv . the honest tradesman to the eyes of mr . jeremiah cruncher , sitting on his stool in fleet street with his grisly urchin beside him , a vast number and variety of objects in movement were every day presented . who could sit upon anything in fleet street during the busy hours of the day , and not be dazed and deafened by two immense processions , one ever tending westward with the sun , the other ever tending eastward from the sun , both ever tending to the plains beyond the range of red and purple where the sun goes down . with his straw in his mouth , mr . cruncher sat watching the two streams , like the heathen rustic who has for several centuries been on duty watching one stream  that jerry had no expectation of their ever running dry . nor would it have been an expectation of a hopeful kind , since a small part of his income was derived from the pilotage of timid women from tellsons side of the tides to the opposite shore . brief as such companionship was in every separate instance , mr . cruncher never failed to become so interested in the lady as to express a strong desire to have the honour of drinking her very good health . and it was from the gifts bestowed upon him towards the execution of this benevolent purpose , that he recruited his finances , as just now observed . time was , when a poet sat upon a stool in a public place , and mused in the sight of men . mr . cruncher , sitting on a stool in a public place , but not being a poet , mused as little as possible , and looked about him . it fell out that he was thus engaged in a season when crowds were few , and belated women few , and when his affairs in general were so unprosperous as to awaken a strong suspicion in his breast that mrs . cruncher must have been flopping in some pointed manner , when an unusual concourse pouring down fleet street westward , attracted his attention . looking that way , mr . cruncher made out that some kind of funeral was coming along , and that there was popular objection to this funeral , which engendered uproar . young jerry , said mr . cruncher , turning to his offspring , its a buryin . hooroar , father . cried young jerry . the young gentleman uttered this exultant sound with mysterious significance . the elder gentleman took the cry so ill , that he watched his opportunity , and smote the young gentleman on the ear . what dye mean . what are you hooroaring at . what do you want to conwey to your own father , you young rip . this boy is a getting too many for me . said mr . cruncher , surveying him . him and his hooroars . dont let me hear no more of you , or you shall feel some more of me . dye hear . i warnt doing no harm , young jerry protested , rubbing his cheek . drop it then , said mr . cruncher i wont have none of your no harms . get a top of that there seat , and look at the crowd . his son obeyed , and the crowd approached they were bawling and hissing round a dingy hearse and dingy mourning coach , in which mourning coach there was only one mourner , dressed in the dingy trappings that were considered essential to the dignity of the position . the position appeared by no means to please him , however , with an increasing rabble surrounding the coach , deriding him , making grimaces at him , and incessantly groaning and calling out yah . spies . tst . yaha . spies . with many compliments too numerous and forcible to repeat . funerals had at all times a remarkable attraction for mr . cruncher he always pricked up his senses , and became excited , when a funeral passed tellsons . naturally , therefore , a funeral with this uncommon attendance excited him greatly , and he asked of the first man who ran against him what is it , brother . whats it about . i dont know , said the man . spies . yaha . tst . spies . he asked another man . who is it . i dont know , returned the man , clapping his hands to his mouth nevertheless , and vociferating in a surprising heat and with the greatest ardour , spies . yaha . tst , . spi  . at length , a person better informed on the merits of the case , tumbled against him , and from this person he learned that the funeral was the funeral of one roger cly . was he a spy . asked mr . cruncher . old bailey spy , returned his informant . yaha . tst . yah . old bailey spi  . why , to be sure . exclaimed jerry , recalling the trial at which he had assisted . ive seen him . dead , is he . dead as mutton , returned the other , and cant be too dead . have em out , there . spies . pull em out , there . spies . the idea was so acceptable in the prevalent absence of any idea , that the crowd caught it up with eagerness , and loudly repeating the suggestion to have em out , and to pull em out , mobbed the two vehicles so closely that they came to a stop . on the crowds opening the coach doors , the one mourner scuffled out by himself and was in their hands for a moment but he was so alert , and made such good use of his time , that in another moment he was scouring away up a bye street, , after shedding his cloak , hat , long hatband , white pocket handkerchief, , and other symbolical tears . these , the people tore to pieces and scattered far and wide with great enjoyment , while the tradesmen hurriedly shut up their shops for a crowd in those times stopped at nothing , and was a monster much dreaded . they had already got the length of opening the hearse to take the coffin out , when some brighter genius proposed instead , its being escorted to its destination amidst general rejoicing . practical suggestions being much needed , this suggestion , too , was received with acclamation , and the coach was immediately filled with eight inside and a dozen out , while as many people got on the roof of the hearse as could by any exercise of ingenuity stick upon it . among the first of these volunteers was jerry cruncher himself , who modestly concealed his spiky head from the observation of tellsons , in the further corner of the mourning coach . the officiating undertakers made some protest against these changes in the ceremonies but , the river being alarmingly near , and several voices remarking on the efficacy of cold immersion in bringing refractory members of the profession to reason , the protest was faint and brief . the remodelled procession started , with a chimney sweep driving the hearse  by the regular driver , who was perched beside him , under close inspection , for the purpose  with a pieman , also attended by his cabinet minister , driving the mourning coach . a bear leader, , a popular street character of the time , was impressed as an additional ornament , before the cavalcade had gone far down the strand and his bear , who was black and very mangy , gave quite an undertaking air to that part of the procession in which he walked . thus , with beer drinking, , pipe smoking, , song roaring, , and infinite caricaturing of woe , the disorderly procession went its way , recruiting at every step , and all the shops shutting up before it . its destination was the old church of saint pancras , far off in the fields . it got there in course of time insisted on pouring into the burial ground finally , accomplished the interment of the deceased roger cly in its own way , and highly to its own satisfaction . the dead man disposed of , and the crowd being under the necessity of providing some other entertainment for itself , another brighter genius conceived the humour of impeaching casual passers by, , as old bailey spies , and wreaking vengeance on them . chase was given to some scores of inoffensive persons who had never been near the old bailey in their lives , in the realisation of this fancy , and they were roughly hustled and maltreated . the transition to the sport of window breaking, , and thence to the plundering of public houses, , was easy and natural . at last , after several hours , when sundry summer houses had been pulled down , and some area railings had been torn up , to arm the more belligerent spirits , a rumour got about that the guards were coming . before this rumour , the crowd gradually melted away , and perhaps the guards came , and perhaps they never came , and this was the usual progress of a mob . mr . cruncher did not assist at the closing sports , but had remained behind in the churchyard , to confer and condole with the undertakers . the place had a soothing influence on him . he procured a pipe from a neighbouring public house, , and smoked it , looking in at the railings and maturely considering the spot . jerry , said mr . cruncher , apostrophising himself in his usual way , you see that there cly that day , and you see with your own eyes that he was a young un and a straight made un . having smoked his pipe out , and ruminated a little longer , he turned himself about , that he might appear , before the hour of closing , on his station at tellsons . whether his meditations on mortality had touched his liver , or whether his general health had been previously at all amiss , or whether he desired to show a little attention to an eminent man , is not so much to the purpose , as that he made a short call upon his medical adviser  distinguished surgeon  his way back . young jerry relieved his father with dutiful interest , and reported no job in his absence . the bank closed , the ancient clerks came out , the usual watch was set , and mr . cruncher and his son went home to tea . now , i tell you where it is . said mr . cruncher to his wife , on entering . if , as a honest tradesman , my wenturs goes wrong to night, , i shall make sure that youve been praying again me , and i shall work you for it just the same as if i seen you do it . the dejected mrs . cruncher shook her head . why , youre at it afore my face . said mr . cruncher , with signs of angry apprehension . i am saying nothing . well , then dont meditate nothing . you might as well flop as meditate . you may as well go again me one way as another . drop it altogether . yes , jerry . yes , jerry , repeated mr . cruncher sitting down to tea . ah . it is yes , jerry . thats about it . you may say yes , jerry . mr . cruncher had no particular meaning in these sulky corroborations , but made use of them , as people not unfrequently do , to express general ironical dissatisfaction . you and your yes , jerry , said mr . cruncher , taking a bite out of his bread and , and seeming to help it down with a large invisible oyster out of his saucer . ah . i think so . i believe you . you are going out to night . asked his decent wife , when he took another bite . yes , i am . may i go with you , father . asked his son , briskly . no , you maynt . im a going  your mother knows  fishing . thats where im going to . going a fishing . your fishing rod gets rayther rusty dont it , father . never you mind . shall you bring any fish home , father . if i dont , youll have short commons , to morrow, , returned that gentleman , shaking his head thats questions enough for you i aint a going out , till youve been long abed . he devoted himself during the remainder of the evening to keeping a most vigilant watch on mrs . cruncher , and sullenly holding her in conversation that she might be prevented from meditating any petitions to his disadvantage . with this view , he urged his son to hold her in conversation also , and led the unfortunate woman a hard life by dwelling on any causes of complaint he could bring against her , rather than he would leave her for a moment to her own reflections . the devoutest person could have rendered no greater homage to the efficacy of an honest prayer than he did in this distrust of his wife . it was as if a professed unbeliever in ghosts should be frightened by a ghost story . and mind you . said mr . cruncher . no games to morrow . if i , as a honest tradesman , succeed in providing a jinte of meat or two , none of your not touching of it , and sticking to bread . if i , as a honest tradesman , am able to provide a little beer , none of your declaring on water . when you go to rome , do as rome does . rome will be a ugly customer to you , if you dont . im your rome , you know . then he began grumbling again with your flying into the face of your own wittles and drink . i dont know how scarce you maynt make the wittles and drink here , by your flopping tricks and your unfeeling conduct . look at your boy he is yourn , aint he . hes as thin as a lath . do you call yourself a mother , and not know that a mothers first duty is to blow her boy out . this touched young jerry on a tender place who adjured his mother to perform her first duty , and , whatever else she did or neglected , above all things to lay especial stress on the discharge of that maternal function so affectingly and delicately indicated by his other parent . thus the evening wore away with the cruncher family , until young jerry was ordered to bed , and his mother , laid under similar injunctions , obeyed them . mr . cruncher beguiled the earlier watches of the night with solitary pipes , and did not start upon his excursion until nearly one oclock . towards that small and ghostly hour , he rose up from his chair , took a key out of his pocket , opened a locked cupboard , and brought forth a sack , a crowbar of convenient size , a rope and chain , and other fishing tackle of that nature . disposing these articles about him in skilful manner , he bestowed a parting defiance on mrs . cruncher , extinguished the light , and went out . young jerry , who had only made a feint of undressing when he went to bed , was not long after his father . under cover of the darkness he followed out of the room , followed down the stairs , followed down the court , followed out into the streets . he was in no uneasiness concerning his getting into the house again , for it was full of lodgers , and the door stood ajar all night . impelled by a laudable ambition to study the art and mystery of his fathers honest calling , young jerry , keeping as close to house fronts , walls , and doorways , as his eyes were close to one another , held his honoured parent in view . the honoured parent steering northward , had not gone far , when he was joined by another disciple of izaak walton , and the two trudged on together . within half an hour from the first starting , they were beyond the winking lamps , and the more than winking watchmen , and were out upon a lonely road . another fisherman was picked up here  that so silently , that if young jerry had been superstitious , he might have supposed the second follower of the gentle craft to have , all of a sudden , split himself into two . the three went on , and young jerry went on , until the three stopped under a bank overhanging the road . upon the top of the bank was a low brick wall , surmounted by an iron railing . in the shadow of bank and wall the three turned out of the road , and up a blind lane , of which the wall  , risen to some eight or ten feet high  one side . crouching down in a corner , peeping up the lane , the next object that young jerry saw , was the form of his honoured parent , pretty well defined against a watery and clouded moon , nimbly scaling an iron gate . he was soon over , and then the second fisherman got over , and then the third . they all dropped softly on the ground within the gate , and lay there a little  perhaps . then , they moved away on their hands and knees . it was now young jerrys turn to approach the gate which he did , holding his breath . crouching down again in a corner there , and looking in , he made out the three fishermen creeping through some rank grass . and all the gravestones in the churchyard  was a large churchyard that they were in  on like ghosts in white , while the church tower itself looked on like the ghost of a monstrous giant . they did not creep far , before they stopped and stood upright . and then they began to fish . they fished with a spade , at first . presently the honoured parent appeared to be adjusting some instrument like a great corkscrew . whatever tools they worked with , they worked hard , until the awful striking of the church clock so terrified young jerry , that he made off , with his hair as stiff as his fathers . but , his long cherished desire to know more about these matters , not only stopped him in his running away , but lured him back again . they were still fishing perseveringly , when he peeped in at the gate for the second time but , now they seemed to have got a bite . there was a screwing and complaining sound down below , and their bent figures were strained , as if by a weight . by slow degrees the weight broke away the earth upon it , and came to the surface . young jerry very well knew what it would be but , when he saw it , and saw his honoured parent about to wrench it open , he was so frightened , being new to the sight , that he made off again , and never stopped until he had run a mile or more . he would not have stopped then , for anything less necessary than breath , it being a spectral sort of race that he ran , and one highly desirable to get to the end of . he had a strong idea that the coffin he had seen was running after him and , pictured as hopping on behind him , bolt upright , upon its narrow end , always on the point of overtaking him and hopping on at his side  taking his arm  was a pursuer to shun . it was an inconsistent and ubiquitous fiend too , for , while it was making the whole night behind him dreadful , he darted out into the roadway to avoid dark alleys , fearful of its coming hopping out of them like a dropsical boys kite without tail and wings . it hid in doorways too , rubbing its horrible shoulders against doors , and drawing them up to its ears , as if it were laughing . it got into shadows on the road , and lay cunningly on its back to trip him up . all this time it was incessantly hopping on behind and gaining on him , so that when the boy got to his own door he had reason for being half dead . and even then it would not leave him , but followed him upstairs with a bump on every stair , scrambled into bed with him , and bumped down , dead and heavy , on his breast when he fell asleep . from his oppressed slumber , young jerry in his closet was awakened after daybreak and before sunrise , by the presence of his father in the family room . something had gone wrong with him at least , so young jerry inferred , from the circumstance of his holding mrs . cruncher by the ears , and knocking the back of her head against the head board of the bed . i told you i would , said mr . cruncher , and i did . jerry , . his wife implored . you oppose yourself to the profit of the business , said jerry , and me and my partners suffer . you was to honour and obey why the devil dont you . i try to be a good wife , jerry , the poor woman protested , with tears . is it being a good wife to oppose your husbands business . is it honouring your husband to dishonour his business . is it obeying your husband to disobey him on the wital subject of his business . you hadnt taken to the dreadful business then , jerry . its enough for you , retorted mr . cruncher , to be the wife of a honest tradesman , and not to occupy your female mind with calculations when he took to his trade or when he didnt . a honouring and obeying wife would let his trade alone altogether . call yourself a religious woman . if youre a religious woman , give me a irreligious one . you have no more natral sense of duty than the bed of this here thames river has of a pile , and similarly it must be knocked into you . the altercation was conducted in a low tone of voice , and terminated in the honest tradesmans kicking off his clay soiled boots , and lying down at his length on the floor . after taking a timid peep at him lying on his back , with his rusty hands under his head for a pillow , his son lay down too , and fell asleep again . there was no fish for breakfast , and not much of anything else . mr . cruncher was out of spirits , and out of temper , and kept an iron pot lid by him as a projectile for the correction of mrs . cruncher , in case he should observe any symptoms of her saying grace . he was brushed and washed at the usual hour , and set off with his son to pursue his ostensible calling . young jerry , walking with the stool under his arm at his fathers side along sunny and crowded fleet street, , was a very different young jerry from him of the previous night , running home through darkness and solitude from his grim pursuer . his cunning was fresh with the day , and his qualms were gone with the night  which particulars it is not improbable that he had compeers in fleet street and the city of london , that fine morning . father , said young jerry , as they walked along taking care to keep at arms length and to have the stool well between them whats a resurrection man . mr . cruncher came to a stop on the pavement before he answered , how should i know . i thought you knowed everything , father , said the artless boy . hem . well , returned mr . cruncher , going on again , and lifting off his hat to give his spikes free play , hes a tradesman . whats his goods , father . asked the brisk young jerry . his goods , said mr . cruncher , after turning it over in his mind , is a branch of scientific goods . persons bodies , aint it , father . asked the lively boy . i believe it is something of that sort , said mr . cruncher . oh , father , i should so like to be a resurrection man when im quite growed up . mr . cruncher was soothed , but shook his head in a dubious and moral way . it depends upon how you dewelop your talents . be careful to dewelop your talents , and never to say no more than you can help to nobody , and theres no telling at the present time what you may not come to be fit for . as young jerry , thus encouraged , went on a few yards in advance , to plant the stool in the shadow of the bar , mr . cruncher added to himself jerry , you honest tradesman , theres hopes wot that boy will yet be a blessing to you , and a recompense to you for his mother . xv . knitting there had been earlier drinking than usual in the wine shop of monsieur defarge . as early as six oclock in the morning , sallow faces peeping through its barred windows had descried other faces within , bending over measures of wine . monsieur defarge sold a very thin wine at the best of times , but it would seem to have been an unusually thin wine that he sold at this time . a sour wine , moreover , or a souring , for its influence on the mood of those who drank it was to make them gloomy . no vivacious bacchanalian flame leaped out of the pressed grape of monsieur defarge but , a smouldering fire that burnt in the dark , lay hidden in the dregs of it . this had been the third morning in succession , on which there had been early drinking at the wine shop of monsieur defarge . it had begun on monday , and here was wednesday come . there had been more of early brooding than drinking for , many men had listened and whispered and slunk about there from the time of the opening of the door , who could not have laid a piece of money on the counter to save their souls . these were to the full as interested in the place , however , as if they could have commanded whole barrels of wine and they glided from seat to seat , and from corner to corner , swallowing talk in lieu of drink , with greedy looks . notwithstanding an unusual flow of company , the master of the wine shop was not visible . he was not missed for , nobody who crossed the threshold looked for him , nobody asked for him , nobody wondered to see only madame defarge in her seat , presiding over the distribution of wine , with a bowl of battered small coins before her , as much defaced and beaten out of their original impress as the small coinage of humanity from whose ragged pockets they had come . a suspended interest and a prevalent absence of mind , were perhaps observed by the spies who looked in at the wine shop, , as they looked in at every place , high and low , from the kings palace to the criminals gaol . games at cards languished , players at dominoes musingly built towers with them , drinkers drew figures on the tables with spilt drops of wine , madame defarge herself picked out the pattern on her sleeve with her toothpick , and saw and heard something inaudible and invisible a long way off . thus , saint antoine in this vinous feature of his , until midday . it was high noontide , when two dusty men passed through his streets and under his swinging lamps of whom , one was monsieur defarge the other a mender of roads in a blue cap . all adust and athirst , the two entered the wine shop . their arrival had lighted a kind of fire in the breast of saint antoine , fast spreading as they came along , which stirred and flickered in flames of faces at most doors and windows . yet , no one had followed them , and no man spoke when they entered the wine shop, , though the eyes of every man there were turned upon them . good day , gentlemen . said monsieur defarge . it may have been a signal for loosening the general tongue . it elicited an answering chorus of good day . it is bad weather , gentlemen , said defarge , shaking his head . upon which , every man looked at his neighbour , and then all cast down their eyes and sat silent . except one man , who got up and went out . my wife , said defarge aloud , addressing madame defarge i have travelled certain leagues with this good mender of roads , called jacques . i met him  accident  day and halfs journey out of paris . he is a good child , this mender of roads , called jacques . give him to drink , my wife . a second man got up and went out . madame defarge set wine before the mender of roads called jacques , who doffed his blue cap to the company , and drank . in the breast of his blouse he carried some coarse dark bread he ate of this between whiles , and sat munching and drinking near madame defarges counter . a third man got up and went out . defarge refreshed himself with a draught of wine  , he took less than was given to the stranger , as being himself a man to whom it was no rarity  stood waiting until the countryman had made his breakfast . he looked at no one present , and no one now looked at him not even madame defarge , who had taken up her knitting , and was at work . have you finished your repast , friend . he asked , in due season . yes , thank you . come , then . you shall see the apartment that i told you could occupy . it will suit you to a marvel . out of the wine shop into the street , out of the street into a courtyard , out of the courtyard up a steep staircase , out of the staircase into a garret  the garret where a white haired man sat on a low bench , stooping forward and very busy , making shoes . no white haired man was there now but , the three men were there who had gone out of the wine shop singly . and between them and the white haired man afar off , was the one small link , that they had once looked in at him through the chinks in the wall . defarge closed the door carefully , and spoke in a subdued voice jacques one , jacques two , jacques three . this is the witness encountered by appointment , by me , jacques four . he will tell you all . speak , jacques five . the mender of roads , blue cap in hand , wiped his swarthy forehead with it , and said , where shall i commence , monsieur . commence , was monsieur defarges not unreasonable reply , at the commencement . i saw him then , messieurs , began the mender of roads , a year ago this running summer , underneath the carriage of the marquis , hanging by the chain . behold the manner of it . i leaving my work on the road , the sun going to bed , the carriage of the marquis slowly ascending the hill , he hanging by the chain  this . again the mender of roads went through the whole performance in which he ought to have been perfect by that time , seeing that it had been the infallible resource and indispensable entertainment of his village during a whole year . jacques one struck in , and asked if he had ever seen the man before . never , answered the mender of roads , recovering his perpendicular . jacques three demanded how he afterwards recognised him then . by his tall figure , said the mender of roads , softly , and with his finger at his nose . when monsieur the marquis demands that evening , say , what is he like . i make response , tall as a spectre . you should have said , short as a dwarf , returned jacques two . but what did i know . the deed was not then accomplished , neither did he confide in me . observe . under those circumstances even , i do not offer my testimony . monsieur the marquis indicates me with his finger , standing near our little fountain , and says , to me . bring that rascal . my faith , messieurs , i offer nothing . he is right there , jacques , murmured defarge , to him who had interrupted . go on . good . said the mender of roads , with an air of mystery . the tall man is lost , and he is sought  many months . nine , ten , eleven . no matter , the number , said defarge . he is well hidden , but at last he is unluckily found . go on . i am again at work upon the hill side, , and the sun is again about to go to bed . i am collecting my tools to descend to my cottage down in the village below , where it is already dark , when i raise my eyes , and see coming over the hill six soldiers . in the midst of them is a tall man with his arms bound  to his sides  this . with the aid of his indispensable cap , he represented a man with his elbows bound fast at his hips , with cords that were knotted behind him . i stand aside , messieurs , by my heap of stones , to see the soldiers and their prisoner pass for it is a solitary road , that , where any spectacle is well worth looking at , and at first , as they approach , i see no more than that they are six soldiers with a tall man bound , and that they are almost black to my sight  on the side of the sun going to bed , where they have a red edge , messieurs . also , i see that their long shadows are on the hollow ridge on the opposite side of the road , and are on the hill above it , and are like the shadows of giants . also , i see that they are covered with dust , and that the dust moves with them as they come , tramp , . but when they advance quite near to me , i recognise the tall man , and he recognises me . ah , but he would be well content to precipitate himself over the hill side once again , as on the evening when he and i first encountered , close to the same spot . he described it as if he were there , and it was evident that he saw it vividly perhaps he had not seen much in his life . i do not show the soldiers that i recognise the tall man he does not show the soldiers that he recognises me we do it , and we know it , with our eyes . come on . says the chief of that company , pointing to the village , bring him fast to his tomb . and they bring him faster . i follow . his arms are swelled because of being bound so tight , his wooden shoes are large and clumsy , and he is lame . because he is lame , and consequently slow , they drive him with their guns  this . he imitated the action of a mans being impelled forward by the butt ends of muskets . as they descend the hill like madmen running a race , he falls . they laugh and pick him up again . his face is bleeding and covered with dust , but he cannot touch it thereupon they laugh again . they bring him into the village all the village runs to look they take him past the mill , and up to the prison all the village sees the prison gate open in the darkness of the night , and swallow him  this . he opened his mouth as wide as he could , and shut it with a sounding snap of his teeth . observant of his unwillingness to mar the effect by opening it again , defarge said , go on , jacques . all the village , pursued the mender of roads , on tiptoe and in a low voice , withdraws all the village whispers by the fountain all the village sleeps all the village dreams of that unhappy one , within the locks and bars of the prison on the crag , and never to come out of it , except to perish . in the morning , with my tools upon my shoulder , eating my morsel of black bread as i go , i make a circuit by the prison , on my way to my work . there i see him , high up , behind the bars of a lofty iron cage , bloody and dusty as last night , looking through . he has no hand free , to wave to me i dare not call to him he regards me like a dead man . defarge and the three glanced darkly at one another . the looks of all of them were dark , repressed , and revengeful , as they listened to the countrymans story the manner of all of them , while it was secret , was authoritative too . they had the air of a rough tribunal jacques one and two sitting on the old pallet bed, , each with his chin resting on his hand , and his eyes intent on the road mender jacques three , equally intent , on one knee behind them , with his agitated hand always gliding over the network of fine nerves about his mouth and nose defarge standing between them and the narrator , whom he had stationed in the light of the window , by turns looking from him to them , and from them to him . go on , jacques , said defarge . he remains up there in his iron cage some days . the village looks at him by stealth , for it is afraid . but it always looks up , from a distance , at the prison on the crag and in the evening , when the work of the day is achieved and it assembles to gossip at the fountain , all faces are turned towards the prison . formerly , they were turned towards the posting house now , they are turned towards the prison . they whisper at the fountain , that although condemned to death he will not be executed they say that petitions have been presented in paris , showing that he was enraged and made mad by the death of his child they say that a petition has been presented to the king himself . what do i know . it is possible . perhaps yes , perhaps no . listen then , jacques , number one of that name sternly interposed . know that a petition was presented to the king and queen . all here , yourself excepted , saw the king take it , in his carriage in the street , sitting beside the queen . it is defarge whom you see here , who , at the hazard of his life , darted out before the horses , with the petition in his hand . and once again listen , jacques . said the kneeling number three his fingers ever wandering over and over those fine nerves , with a strikingly greedy air , as if he hungered for something  was neither food nor drink the guard , horse and foot , surrounded the petitioner , and struck him blows . you hear . i hear , messieurs . go on then , said defarge . again on the other hand , they whisper at the fountain , resumed the countryman , that he is brought down into our country to be executed on the spot , and that he will very certainly be executed . they even whisper that because he has slain monseigneur , and because monseigneur was the father of his tenants  you will  be executed as a parricide . one old man says at the fountain , that his right hand , armed with the knife , will be burnt off before his face that , into wounds which will be made in his arms , his breast , and his legs , there will be poured boiling oil , melted lead , hot resin , wax , and sulphur finally , that he will be torn limb from limb by four strong horses . that old man says , all this was actually done to a prisoner who made an attempt on the life of the late king , louis fifteen . but how do i know if he lies . i am not a scholar . listen once again then , jacques . said the man with the restless hand and the craving air . the name of that prisoner was damiens , and it was all done in open day , in the open streets of this city of paris and nothing was more noticed in the vast concourse that saw it done , than the crowd of ladies of quality and fashion , who were full of eager attention to the last  the last , jacques , prolonged until nightfall , when he had lost two legs and an arm , and still breathed . and it was done  , how old are you . thirty five, , said the mender of roads , who looked sixty . it was done when you were more than ten years old you might have seen it . enough . said defarge , with grim impatience . long live the devil . go on . well . some whisper this , some whisper that they speak of nothing else even the fountain appears to fall to that tune . at length , on sunday night when all the village is asleep , come soldiers , winding down from the prison , and their guns ring on the stones of the little street . workmen dig , workmen hammer , soldiers laugh and sing in the morning , by the fountain , there is raised a gallows forty feet high , poisoning the water . the mender of roads looked through rather than at the low ceiling , and pointed as if he saw the gallows somewhere in the sky . all work is stopped , all assemble there , nobody leads the cows out , the cows are there with the rest . at midday , the roll of drums . soldiers have marched into the prison in the night , and he is in the midst of many soldiers . he is bound as before , and in his mouth there is a gag  so , with a tight string , making him look almost as if he laughed . he suggested it , by creasing his face with his two thumbs , from the corners of his mouth to his ears . on the top of the gallows is fixed the knife , blade upwards , with its point in the air . he is hanged there forty feet high  is left hanging , poisoning the water . they looked at one another , as he used his blue cap to wipe his face , on which the perspiration had started afresh while he recalled the spectacle . it is frightful , messieurs . how can the women and the children draw water . who can gossip of an evening , under that shadow . under it , have i said . when i left the village , monday evening as the sun was going to bed , and looked back from the hill , the shadow struck across the church , across the mill , across the prison  to strike across the earth , messieurs , to where the sky rests upon it . the hungry man gnawed one of his fingers as he looked at the other three , and his finger quivered with the craving that was on him . thats all , messieurs . i left at sunset and i walked on , that night and half next day , until i met as i was warned i should this comrade . with him , i came on , now riding and now walking , through the rest of yesterday and through last night . and here you see me . after a gloomy silence , the first jacques said , good . you have acted and recounted faithfully . will you wait for us a little , outside the door . very willingly , said the mender of roads . whom defarge escorted to the top of the stairs , and , leaving seated there , returned . the three had risen , and their heads were together when he came back to the garret . how say you , jacques . demanded number one . to be registered . to be registered , as doomed to destruction , returned defarge . magnificent . croaked the man with the craving . the chateau , and all the race . inquired the first . the chateau and all the race , returned defarge . extermination . the hungry man repeated , in a rapturous croak , magnificent . and began gnawing another finger . are you sure , asked jacques two , of defarge , that no embarrassment can arise from our manner of keeping the register . without doubt it is safe , for no one beyond ourselves can decipher it but shall we always be able to decipher it  , i ought to say , will she . jacques , returned defarge , drawing himself up , if madame my wife undertook to keep the register in her memory alone , she would not lose a word of it  a syllable of it . knitted , in her own stitches and her own symbols , it will always be as plain to her as the sun . confide in madame defarge . it would be easier for the weakest poltroon that lives , to erase himself from existence , than to erase one letter of his name or crimes from the knitted register of madame defarge . there was a murmur of confidence and approval , and then the man who hungered , asked is this rustic to be sent back soon . i hope so . he is very simple is he not a little dangerous . he knows nothing , said defarge at least nothing more than would easily elevate himself to a gallows of the same height . i charge myself with him let him remain with me i will take care of him , and set him on his road . he wishes to see the fine world  king , the queen , and court let him see them on sunday . what . exclaimed the hungry man , staring . is it a good sign , that he wishes to see royalty and nobility . jacques , said defarge judiciously show a cat milk , if you wish her to thirst for it . judiciously show a dog his natural prey , if you wish him to bring it down one day . nothing more was said , and the mender of roads , being found already dozing on the topmost stair , was advised to lay himself down on the pallet bed and take some rest . he needed no persuasion , and was soon asleep . worse quarters than defarges wine shop, , could easily have been found in paris for a provincial slave of that degree . saving for a mysterious dread of madame by which he was constantly haunted , his life was very new and agreeable . but , madame sat all day at her counter , so expressly unconscious of him , and so particularly determined not to perceive that his being there had any connection with anything below the surface , that he shook in his wooden shoes whenever his eye lighted on her . for , he contended with himself that it was impossible to foresee what that lady might pretend next and he felt assured that if she should take it into her brightly ornamented head to pretend that she had seen him do a murder and afterwards flay the victim , she would infallibly go through with it until the play was played out . therefore , when sunday came , the mender of roads was not enchanted to find that madame was to accompany monsieur and himself to versailles . it was additionally disconcerting to have madame knitting all the way there , in a public conveyance it was additionally disconcerting yet , to have madame in the crowd in the afternoon , still with her knitting in her hands as the crowd waited to see the carriage of the king and queen . you work hard , madame , said a man near her . yes , answered madame defarge i have a good deal to do . what do you make , madame . many things . for instance  for instance , returned madame defarge , composedly , shrouds . the man moved a little further away , as soon as he could , and the mender of roads fanned himself with his blue cap feeling it mightily close and oppressive . if he needed a king and queen to restore him , he was fortunate in having his remedy at hand for , soon the large faced king and the fair faced queen came in their golden coach , attended by the shining bulls eye of their court , a glittering multitude of laughing ladies and fine lords and in jewels and silks and powder and splendour and elegantly spurning figures and handsomely disdainful faces of both sexes , the mender of roads bathed himself , so much to his temporary intoxication , that he cried long live the king , long live the queen , long live everybody and everything . as if he had never heard of ubiquitous jacques in his time . then , there were gardens , courtyards , terraces , fountains , green banks , more king and queen , more bulls eye , more lords and ladies , more long live they all . until he absolutely wept with sentiment . during the whole of this scene , which lasted some three hours , he had plenty of shouting and weeping and sentimental company , and throughout defarge held him by the collar , as if to restrain him from flying at the objects of his brief devotion and tearing them to pieces . bravo . said defarge , clapping him on the back when it was over , like a patron you are a good boy . the mender of roads was now coming to himself , and was mistrustful of having made a mistake in his late demonstrations but no . you are the fellow we want , said defarge , in his ear you make these fools believe that it will last for ever . then , they are the more insolent , and it is the nearer ended . hey . cried the mender of roads , reflectively thats true . these fools know nothing . while they despise your breath , and would stop it for ever and ever , in you or in a hundred like you rather than in one of their own horses or dogs , they only know what your breath tells them . let it deceive them , then , a little longer it cannot deceive them too much . madame defarge looked superciliously at the client , and nodded in confirmation . as to you , said she , you would shout and shed tears for anything , if it made a show and a noise . say . would you not . truly , madame , i think so . for the moment . if you were shown a great heap of dolls , and were set upon them to pluck them to pieces and despoil them for your own advantage , you would pick out the richest and gayest . say . would you not . truly yes , madame . yes . and if you were shown a flock of birds , unable to fly , and were set upon them to strip them of their feathers for your own advantage , you would set upon the birds of the finest feathers would you not . it is true , madame . you have seen both dolls and birds to day, , said madame defarge , with a wave of her hand towards the place where they had last been apparent now , go home . xvi . still knitting madame defarge and monsieur her husband returned amicably to the bosom of saint antoine , while a speck in a blue cap toiled through the darkness , and through the dust , and down the weary miles of avenue by the wayside , slowly tending towards that point of the compass where the chateau of monsieur the marquis , now in his grave , listened to the whispering trees . such ample leisure had the stone faces , now , for listening to the trees and to the fountain , that the few village scarecrows who , in their quest for herbs to eat and fragments of dead stick to burn , strayed within sight of the great stone courtyard and terrace staircase , had it borne in upon their starved fancy that the expression of the faces was altered . a rumour just lived in the village  a faint and bare existence there , as its people had  when the knife struck home , the faces changed , from faces of pride to faces of anger and pain also , that when that dangling figure was hauled up forty feet above the fountain , they changed again , and bore a cruel look of being avenged , which they would henceforth bear for ever . in the stone face over the great window of the bed chamber where the murder was done , two fine dints were pointed out in the sculptured nose , which everybody recognised , and which nobody had seen of old and on the scarce occasions when two or three ragged peasants emerged from the crowd to take a hurried peep at monsieur the marquis petrified , a skinny finger would not have pointed to it for a minute , before they all started away among the moss and leaves , like the more fortunate hares who could find a living there . chateau and hut , stone face and dangling figure , the red stain on the stone floor , and the pure water in the village well  of acres of land  whole province of france  itself  under the night sky , concentrated into a faint hair breadth line . so does a whole world , with all its greatnesses and littlenesses , lie in a twinkling star . and as mere human knowledge can split a ray of light and analyse the manner of its composition , so , sublimer intelligences may read in the feeble shining of this earth of ours , every thought and act , every vice and virtue , of every responsible creature on it . the defarges , husband and wife , came lumbering under the starlight , in their public vehicle , to that gate of paris whereunto their journey naturally tended . there was the usual stoppage at the barrier guardhouse , and the usual lanterns came glancing forth for the usual examination and inquiry . monsieur defarge alighted knowing one or two of the soldiery there , and one of the police . the latter he was intimate with , and affectionately embraced . when saint antoine had again enfolded the defarges in his dusky wings , and they , having finally alighted near the saints boundaries , were picking their way on foot through the black mud and offal of his streets , madame defarge spoke to her husband say then , my friend what did jacques of the police tell thee . very little to night, , but all he knows . there is another spy commissioned for our quarter . there may be many more , for all that he can say , but he knows of one . eh well . said madame defarge , raising her eyebrows with a cool business air . it is necessary to register him . how do they call that man . he is english . so much the better . his name . barsad , said defarge , making it french by pronunciation . but , he had been so careful to get it accurately , that he then spelt it with perfect correctness . barsad , repeated madame . good . christian name . john . john barsad , repeated madame , after murmuring it once to herself . good . his appearance is it known . age , about forty years height , about five feet nine black hair complexion dark generally , rather handsome visage eyes dark , face thin , long , and sallow nose aquiline , but not straight , having a peculiar inclination towards the left cheek expression , therefore , sinister . eh my faith . it is a portrait . said madame , laughing . he shall be registered to morrow . they turned into the wine shop, , which was closed and where madame defarge immediately took her post at her desk , counted the small moneys that had been taken during her absence , examined the stock , went through the entries in the book , made other entries of her own , checked the serving man in every possible way , and finally dismissed him to bed . then she turned out the contents of the bowl of money for the second time , and began knotting them up in her handkerchief , in a chain of separate knots , for safe keeping through the night . all this while , defarge , with his pipe in his mouth , walked up and down , complacently admiring , but never interfering in which condition , indeed , as to the business and his domestic affairs , he walked up and down through life . the night was hot , and the shop , close shut and surrounded by so foul a neighbourhood , was ill smelling . monsieur defarges olfactory sense was by no means delicate , but the stock of wine smelt much stronger than it ever tasted , and so did the stock of rum and brandy and aniseed . he whiffed the compound of scents away , as he put down his smoked out pipe . you are fatigued , said madame , raising her glance as she knotted the money . there are only the usual odours . i am a little tired , her husband acknowledged . you are a little depressed , too , said madame , whose quick eyes had never been so intent on the accounts , but they had a ray or two for him . oh , the men , the men . but my dear . began defarge . but my dear . repeated madame , nodding firmly but my dear . you are faint of heart to night, , my dear . well , then , said defarge , as if a thought were wrung out of his breast , it is a long time . it is a long time , repeated his wife and when is it not a long time . vengeance and retribution require a long time it is the rule . it does not take a long time to strike a man with lightning , said defarge . how long , demanded madame , composedly , does it take to make and store the lightning . tell me . defarge raised his head thoughtfully , as if there were something in that too . it does not take a long time , said madame , for an earthquake to swallow a town . eh well . tell me how long it takes to prepare the earthquake . a long time , i suppose , said defarge . but when it is ready , it takes place , and grinds to pieces everything before it . in the meantime , it is always preparing , though it is not seen or heard . that is your consolation . keep it . she tied a knot with flashing eyes , as if it throttled a foe . i tell thee , said madame , extending her right hand , for emphasis , that although it is a long time on the road , it is on the road and coming . i tell thee it never retreats , and never stops . i tell thee it is always advancing . look around and consider the lives of all the world that we know , consider the faces of all the world that we know , consider the rage and discontent to which the jacquerie addresses itself with more and more of certainty every hour . can such things last . bah . i mock you . my brave wife , returned defarge , standing before her with his head a little bent , and his hands clasped at his back , like a docile and attentive pupil before his catechist , i do not question all this . but it has lasted a long time , and it is possible  know well , my wife , it is possible  it may not come , during our lives . eh well . how then . demanded madame , tying another knot , as if there were another enemy strangled . well . said defarge , with a half complaining and half apologetic shrug . we shall not see the triumph . we shall have helped it , returned madame , with her extended hand in strong action . nothing that we do , is done in vain . i believe , with all my soul , that we shall see the triumph . but even if not , even if i knew certainly not , show me the neck of an aristocrat and tyrant , and still i would  then madame , with her teeth set , tied a very terrible knot indeed . hold . cried defarge , reddening a little as if he felt charged with cowardice i too , my dear , will stop at nothing . yes . but it is your weakness that you sometimes need to see your victim and your opportunity , to sustain you . sustain yourself without that . when the time comes , let loose a tiger and a devil but wait for the time with the tiger and the devil chained  shown  always ready . madame enforced the conclusion of this piece of advice by striking her little counter with her chain of money as if she knocked its brains out , and then gathering the heavy handkerchief under her arm in a serene manner , and observing that it was time to go to bed . next noontide saw the admirable woman in her usual place in the wine shop, , knitting away assiduously . a rose lay beside her , and if she now and then glanced at the flower , it was with no infraction of her usual preoccupied air . there were a few customers , drinking or not drinking , standing or seated , sprinkled about . the day was very hot , and heaps of flies , who were extending their inquisitive and adventurous perquisitions into all the glutinous little glasses near madame , fell dead at the bottom . their decease made no impression on the other flies out promenading , who looked at them in the coolest manner as if they themselves were elephants , or something as far removed , until they met the same fate . curious to consider how heedless flies are . they thought as much at court that sunny summer day . a figure entering at the door threw a shadow on madame defarge which she felt to be a new one . she laid down her knitting , and began to pin her rose in her head dress, , before she looked at the figure . it was curious . the moment madame defarge took up the rose , the customers ceased talking , and began gradually to drop out of the wine shop . good day , madame , said the new comer . good day , monsieur . she said it aloud , but added to herself , as she resumed her knitting hah . good day , age about forty , height about five feet nine , black hair , generally rather handsome visage , complexion dark , eyes dark , thin , long and sallow face , aquiline nose but not straight , having a peculiar inclination towards the left cheek which imparts a sinister expression . good day , one and all . have the goodness to give me a little glass of old cognac , and a mouthful of cool fresh water , madame . madame complied with a polite air . marvellous cognac this , madame . it was the first time it had ever been so complimented , and madame defarge knew enough of its antecedents to know better . she said , however , that the cognac was flattered , and took up her knitting . the visitor watched her fingers for a few moments , and took the opportunity of observing the place in general . you knit with great skill , madame . i am accustomed to it . a pretty pattern too . you think so . said madame , looking at him with a smile . decidedly . may one ask what it is for . pastime , said madame , still looking at him with a smile while her fingers moved nimbly . not for use . that depends . i may find a use for it one day . if i do  , said madame , drawing a breath and nodding her head with a stern kind of coquetry , ill use it . it was remarkable but , the taste of saint antoine seemed to be decidedly opposed to a rose on the head dress of madame defarge . two men had entered separately , and had been about to order drink , when , catching sight of that novelty , they faltered , made a pretence of looking about as if for some friend who was not there , and went away . nor , of those who had been there when this visitor entered , was there one left . they had all dropped off . the spy had kept his eyes open , but had been able to detect no sign . they had lounged away in a poverty stricken, , purposeless , accidental manner , quite natural and unimpeachable . john , thought madame , checking off her work as her fingers knitted , and her eyes looked at the stranger . stay long enough , and i shall knit barsad before you go . you have a husband , madame . i have . children . no children . business seems bad . business is very bad the people are so poor . ah , the unfortunate , miserable people . so oppressed , too  you say . as you say , madame retorted , correcting him , and deftly knitting an extra something into his name that boded him no good . pardon me certainly it was i who said so , but you naturally think so . of course . i think . returned madame , in a high voice . i and my husband have enough to do to keep this wine shop open , without thinking . all we think , here , is how to live . that is the subject we think of , and it gives us , from morning to night , enough to think about , without embarrassing our heads concerning others . i think for others . no , . the spy , who was there to pick up any crumbs he could find or make , did not allow his baffled state to express itself in his sinister face but , stood with an air of gossiping gallantry , leaning his elbow on madame defarges little counter , and occasionally sipping his cognac . a bad business this , madame , of gaspards execution . ah . the poor gaspard . with a sigh of great compassion . my faith . returned madame , coolly and lightly , if people use knives for such purposes , they have to pay for it . he knew beforehand what the price of his luxury was he has paid the price . i believe , said the spy , dropping his soft voice to a tone that invited confidence , and expressing an injured revolutionary susceptibility in every muscle of his wicked face i believe there is much compassion and anger in this neighbourhood , touching the poor fellow . between ourselves . is there . asked madame , vacantly . is there not . is my husband . said madame defarge . as the keeper of the wine shop entered at the door , the spy saluted him by touching his hat , and saying , with an engaging smile , good day , jacques . defarge stopped short , and stared at him . good day , jacques . the spy repeated with not quite so much confidence , or quite so easy a smile under the stare . you deceive yourself , monsieur , returned the keeper of the wine shop . you mistake me for another . that is not my name . i am ernest defarge . it is all the same , said the spy , airily , but discomfited too good day . good day . answered defarge , drily . i was saying to madame , with whom i had the pleasure of chatting when you entered , that they tell me there is  no wonder . sympathy and anger in saint antoine , touching the unhappy fate of poor gaspard . no one has told me so , said defarge , shaking his head . i know nothing of it . having said it , he passed behind the little counter , and stood with his hand on the back of his wifes chair , looking over that barrier at the person to whom they were both opposed , and whom either of them would have shot with the greatest satisfaction . the spy , well used to his business , did not change his unconscious attitude , but drained his little glass of cognac , took a sip of fresh water , and asked for another glass of cognac . madame defarge poured it out for him , took to her knitting again , and hummed a little song over it . you seem to know this quarter well that is to say , better than i do . observed defarge . not at all , but i hope to know it better . i am so profoundly interested in its miserable inhabitants . hah . muttered defarge . the pleasure of conversing with you , monsieur defarge , recalls to me , pursued the spy , that i have the honour of cherishing some interesting associations with your name . indeed . said defarge , with much indifference . yes , indeed . when doctor manette was released , you , his old domestic , had the charge of him , i know . he was delivered to you . you see i am informed of the circumstances . such is the fact , certainly , said defarge . he had it conveyed to him , in an accidental touch of his wifes elbow as she knitted and warbled , that he would do best to answer , but always with brevity . it was to you , said the spy , that his daughter came and it was from your care that his daughter took him , accompanied by a neat brown monsieur how is he called . a little wig  the bank of tellson and company  to england . such is the fact , repeated defarge . very interesting remembrances . said the spy . i have known doctor manette and his daughter , in england . yes . said defarge . you dont hear much about them now . said the spy . no , said defarge . in effect , madame struck in , looking up from her work and her little song , we never hear about them . we received the news of their safe arrival , and perhaps another letter , or perhaps two but , since then , they have gradually taken their road in life  , ours  we have held no correspondence . perfectly so , madame , replied the spy . she is going to be married . going . echoed madame . she was pretty enough to have been married long ago . you english are cold , it seems to me . oh . you know i am english . i perceive your tongue is , returned madame and what the tongue is , i suppose the man is . he did not take the identification as a compliment but he made the best of it , and turned it off with a laugh . after sipping his cognac to the end , he added yes , miss manette is going to be married . but not to an englishman to one who , like herself , is french by birth . and speaking of gaspard ah , poor gaspard . it was cruel , . it is a curious thing that she is going to marry the nephew of monsieur the marquis , for whom gaspard was exalted to that height of so many feet in other words , the present marquis . but he lives unknown in england , he is no marquis there he is mr . charles darnay . daulnais is the name of his mothers family . madame defarge knitted steadily , but the intelligence had a palpable effect upon her husband . do what he would , behind the little counter , as to the striking of a light and the lighting of his pipe , he was troubled , and his hand was not trustworthy . the spy would have been no spy if he had failed to see it , or to record it in his mind . having made , at least , this one hit , whatever it might prove to be worth , and no customers coming in to help him to any other , mr . barsad paid for what he had drunk , and took his leave taking occasion to say , in a genteel manner , before he departed , that he looked forward to the pleasure of seeing monsieur and madame defarge again . for some minutes after he had emerged into the outer presence of saint antoine , the husband and wife remained exactly as he had left them , lest he should come back . can it be true , said defarge , in a low voice , looking down at his wife as he stood smoking with his hand on the back of her chair what he has said of maamselle manette . as he has said it , returned madame , lifting her eyebrows a little , it is probably false . but it may be true . if it is  defarge began , and stopped . if it is . repeated his wife . if it does come , while we live to see it triumph  hope , for her sake , destiny will keep her husband out of france . her husbands destiny , said madame defarge , with her usual composure , will take him where he is to go , and will lead him to the end that is to end him . that is all i know . but it is very strange  , at least , is it not very strange  defarge , rather pleading with his wife to induce her to admit it , that , after all our sympathy for monsieur her father , and herself , her husbands name should be proscribed under your hand at this moment , by the side of that infernal dogs who has just left us . stranger things than that will happen when it does come , answered madame . i have them both here , of a certainty and they are both here for their merits that is enough . she rolled up her knitting when she had said those words , and presently took the rose out of the handkerchief that was wound about her head . either saint antoine had an instinctive sense that the objectionable decoration was gone , or saint antoine was on the watch for its disappearance howbeit , the saint took courage to lounge in , very shortly afterwards , and the wine shop recovered its habitual aspect . in the evening , at which season of all others saint antoine turned himself inside out , and sat on door steps and window ledges, , and came to the corners of vile streets and courts , for a breath of air , madame defarge with her work in her hand was accustomed to pass from place to place and from group to group a missionary  were many like her  as the world will do well never to breed again . all the women knitted . they knitted worthless things but , the mechanical work was a mechanical substitute for eating and drinking the hands moved for the jaws and the digestive apparatus if the bony fingers had been still , the stomachs would have been more famine pinched . but , as the fingers went , the eyes went , and the thoughts . and as madame defarge moved on from group to group , all three went quicker and fiercer among every little knot of women that she had spoken with , and left behind . her husband smoked at his door , looking after her with admiration . a great woman , said he , a strong woman , a grand woman , a frightfully grand woman . darkness closed around , and then came the ringing of church bells and the distant beating of the military drums in the palace courtyard , as the women sat knitting , . darkness encompassed them . another darkness was closing in as surely , when the church bells , then ringing pleasantly in many an airy steeple over france , should be melted into thundering cannon when the military drums should be beating to drown a wretched voice , that night all potent as the voice of power and plenty , freedom and life . so much was closing in about the women who sat knitting , that they their very selves were closing in around a structure yet unbuilt , where they were to sit knitting , counting dropping heads . xvii . one night never did the sun go down with a brighter glory on the quiet corner in soho , than one memorable evening when the doctor and his daughter sat under the plane tree together . never did the moon rise with a milder radiance over great london , than on that night when it found them still seated under the tree , and shone upon their faces through its leaves . lucie was to be married to morrow . she had reserved this last evening for her father , and they sat alone under the plane tree . you are happy , my dear father . quite , my child . they had said little , though they had been there a long time . when it was yet light enough to work and read , she had neither engaged herself in her usual work , nor had she read to him . she had employed herself in both ways , at his side under the tree , many and many a time but , this time was not quite like any other , and nothing could make it so . and i am very happy to night, , dear father . i am deeply happy in the love that heaven has so blessed  love for charles , and charless love for me . but , if my life were not to be still consecrated to you , or if my marriage were so arranged as that it would part us , even by the length of a few of these streets , i should be more unhappy and self reproachful now than i can tell you . even as it is  even as it was , she could not command her voice . in the sad moonlight , she clasped him by the neck , and laid her face upon his breast . in the moonlight which is always sad , as the light of the sun itself is  the light called human life is  its coming and its going . dearest dear . can you tell me , this last time , that you feel quite , sure , no new affections of mine , and no new duties of mine , will ever interpose between us . i know it well , but do you know it . in your own heart , do you feel quite certain . her father answered , with a cheerful firmness of conviction he could scarcely have assumed , quite sure , my darling . more than that , he added , as he tenderly kissed her my future is far brighter , lucie , seen through your marriage , than it could have been  , than it ever was  it . if i could hope that , my father . believe it , love . indeed it is so . consider how natural and how plain it is , my dear , that it should be so . you , devoted and young , cannot fully appreciate the anxiety i have felt that your life should not be wasted  she moved her hand towards his lips , but he took it in his , and repeated the word . my child  not be wasted , struck aside from the natural order of things  my sake . your unselfishness cannot entirely comprehend how much my mind has gone on this but , only ask yourself , how could my happiness be perfect , while yours was incomplete . if i had never seen charles , my father , i should have been quite happy with you . he smiled at her unconscious admission that she would have been unhappy without charles , having seen him and replied my child , you did see him , and it is charles . if it had not been charles , it would have been another . or , if it had been no other , i should have been the cause , and then the dark part of my life would have cast its shadow beyond myself , and would have fallen on you . it was the first time , except at the trial , of her ever hearing him refer to the period of his suffering . it gave her a strange and new sensation while his words were in her ears and she remembered it long afterwards . see . said the doctor of beauvais , raising his hand towards the moon . i have looked at her from my prison window, , when i could not bear her light . i have looked at her when it has been such torture to me to think of her shining upon what i had lost , that i have beaten my head against my prison walls . i have looked at her , in a state so dull and lethargic , that i have thought of nothing but the number of horizontal lines i could draw across her at the full , and the number of perpendicular lines with which i could intersect them . he added in his inward and pondering manner , as he looked at the moon , it was twenty either way , i remember , and the twentieth was difficult to squeeze in . the strange thrill with which she heard him go back to that time , deepened as he dwelt upon it but , there was nothing to shock her in the manner of his reference . he only seemed to contrast his present cheerfulness and felicity with the dire endurance that was over . i have looked at her , speculating thousands of times upon the unborn child from whom i had been rent . whether it was alive . whether it had been born alive , or the poor mothers shock had killed it . whether it was a son who would some day avenge his father . there was a time in my imprisonment , when my desire for vengeance was unbearable . whether it was a son who would never know his fathers story who might even live to weigh the possibility of his fathers having disappeared of his own will and act . whether it was a daughter who would grow to be a woman . she drew closer to him , and kissed his cheek and his hand . i have pictured my daughter , to myself , as perfectly forgetful of me  , altogether ignorant of me , and unconscious of me . i have cast up the years of her age , year after year . i have seen her married to a man who knew nothing of my fate . i have altogether perished from the remembrance of the living , and in the next generation my place was a blank . my father . even to hear that you had such thoughts of a daughter who never existed , strikes to my heart as if i had been that child . you , lucie . it is out of the consolation and restoration you have brought to me , that these remembrances arise , and pass between us and the moon on this last night . did i say just now . she knew nothing of you . she cared nothing for you . so . but on other moonlight nights , when the sadness and the silence have touched me in a different way  affected me with something as like a sorrowful sense of peace , as any emotion that had pain for its foundations could  have imagined her as coming to me in my cell , and leading me out into the freedom beyond the fortress . i have seen her image in the moonlight often , as i now see you except that i never held her in my arms it stood between the little grated window and the door . but , you understand that was not the child i am speaking of . the figure was not the  fancy . no . that was another thing . it stood before my disturbed sense of sight , but it never moved . the phantom that my mind pursued , was another and more real child . of her outward appearance i know no more than that she was like her mother . the other had that likeness too  you have  was not the same . can you follow me , lucie . hardly , i think . i doubt you must have been a solitary prisoner to understand these perplexed distinctions . his collected and calm manner could not prevent her blood from running cold , as he thus tried to anatomise his old condition . in that more peaceful state , i have imagined her , in the moonlight , coming to me and taking me out to show me that the home of her married life was full of her loving remembrance of her lost father . my picture was in her room , and i was in her prayers . her life was active , cheerful , useful but my poor history pervaded it all . i was that child , my father , i was not half so good , but in my love that was i . and she showed me her children , said the doctor of beauvais , and they had heard of me , and had been taught to pity me . when they passed a prison of the state , they kept far from its frowning walls , and looked up at its bars , and spoke in whispers . she could never deliver me i imagined that she always brought me back after showing me such things . but then , blessed with the relief of tears , i fell upon my knees , and blessed her . i am that child , i hope , my father . o my dear , my dear , will you bless me as fervently to morrow . lucie , i recall these old troubles in the reason that i have to night for loving you better than words can tell , and thanking god for my great happiness . my thoughts , when they were wildest , never rose near the happiness that i have known with you , and that we have before us . he embraced her , solemnly commended her to heaven , and humbly thanked heaven for having bestowed her on him . by and , they went into the house . there was no one bidden to the marriage but mr . lorry there was even to be no bridesmaid but the gaunt miss pross . the marriage was to make no change in their place of residence they had been able to extend it , by taking to themselves the upper rooms formerly belonging to the apocryphal invisible lodger , and they desired nothing more . doctor manette was very cheerful at the little supper . they were only three at table , and miss pross made the third . he regretted that charles was not there was more than half disposed to object to the loving little plot that kept him away and drank to him affectionately . so , the time came for him to bid lucie good night , and they separated . but , in the stillness of the third hour of the morning , lucie came downstairs again , and stole into his room not free from unshaped fears , beforehand . all things , however , were in their places all was quiet and he lay asleep , his white hair picturesque on the untroubled pillow , and his hands lying quiet on the coverlet . she put her needless candle in the shadow at a distance , crept up to his bed , and put her lips to his then , leaned over him , and looked at him . into his handsome face , the bitter waters of captivity had worn but , he covered up their tracks with a determination so strong , that he held the mastery of them even in his sleep . a more remarkable face in its quiet , resolute , and guarded struggle with an unseen assailant , was not to be beheld in all the wide dominions of sleep , that night . she timidly laid her hand on his dear breast , and put up a prayer that she might ever be as true to him as her love aspired to be , and as his sorrows deserved . then , she withdrew her hand , and kissed his lips once more , and went away . so , the sunrise came , and the shadows of the leaves of the plane tree moved upon his face , as softly as her lips had moved in praying for him . xviii . nine days the marriage day was shining brightly , and they were ready outside the closed door of the doctors room , where he was speaking with charles darnay . they were ready to go to church the beautiful bride , mr . lorry , and miss pross  whom the event , through a gradual process of reconcilement to the inevitable , would have been one of absolute bliss , but for the yet lingering consideration that her brother solomon should have been the bridegroom . and so , said mr . lorry , who could not sufficiently admire the bride , and who had been moving round her to take in every point of her quiet , pretty dress and so it was for this , my sweet lucie , that i brought you across the channel , such a baby . lord bless me . how little i thought what i was doing . how lightly i valued the obligation i was conferring on my friend mr . charles . you didnt mean it , remarked the matter of miss pross , and therefore how could you know it . nonsense . really . well but dont cry , said the gentle mr . lorry . i am not crying , said miss pross you are . i , my pross . by this time , mr . lorry dared to be pleasant with her , on occasion . you were , just now i saw you do it , and i dont wonder at it . such a present of plate as you have made em , is enough to bring tears into anybodys eyes . theres not a fork or a spoon in the collection , said miss pross , that i didnt cry over , last night after the box came , till i couldnt see it . i am highly gratified , said mr . lorry , though , upon my honour , i had no intention of rendering those trifling articles of remembrance invisible to any one . dear me . this is an occasion that makes a man speculate on all he has lost . dear , . to think that there might have been a mrs . lorry , any time these fifty years almost . not at all . from miss pross . you think there never might have been a mrs . lorry . asked the gentleman of that name . poh . rejoined miss pross you were a bachelor in your cradle . well . observed mr . lorry , beamingly adjusting his little wig , that seems probable , too . and you were cut out for a bachelor , pursued miss pross , before you were put in your cradle . then , i think , said mr . lorry , that i was very unhandsomely dealt with , and that i ought to have had a voice in the selection of my pattern . enough . now , my dear lucie , drawing his arm soothingly round her waist , i hear them moving in the next room , and miss pross and i , as two formal folks of business , are anxious not to lose the final opportunity of saying something to you that you wish to hear . you leave your good father , my dear , in hands as earnest and as loving as your own he shall be taken every conceivable care of during the next fortnight , while you are in warwickshire and thereabouts , even tellsons shall go to the wall before him . and when , at the fortnights end , he comes to join you and your beloved husband , on your other fortnights trip in wales , you shall say that we have sent him to you in the best health and in the happiest frame . now , i hear somebodys step coming to the door . let me kiss my dear girl with an old fashioned bachelor blessing , before somebody comes to claim his own . for a moment , he held the fair face from him to look at the well remembered expression on the forehead , and then laid the bright golden hair against his little brown wig , with a genuine tenderness and delicacy which , if such things be old fashioned, , were as old as adam . the door of the doctors room opened , and he came out with charles darnay . he was so deadly pale  had not been the case when they went in together  no vestige of colour was to be seen in his face . but , in the composure of his manner he was unaltered , except that to the shrewd glance of mr . lorry it disclosed some shadowy indication that the old air of avoidance and dread had lately passed over him , like a cold wind . he gave his arm to his daughter , and took her down stairs to the chariot which mr . lorry had hired in honour of the day . the rest followed in another carriage , and soon , in a neighbouring church , where no strange eyes looked on , charles darnay and lucie manette were happily married . besides the glancing tears that shone among the smiles of the little group when it was done , some diamonds , very bright and sparkling , glanced on the brides hand , which were newly released from the dark obscurity of one of mr . lorrys pockets . they returned home to breakfast , and all went well , and in due course the golden hair that had mingled with the poor shoemakers white locks in the paris garret , were mingled with them again in the morning sunlight , on the threshold of the door at parting . it was a hard parting , though it was not for long . but her father cheered her , and said at last , gently disengaging himself from her enfolding arms , take her , charles . she is yours . and her agitated hand waved to them from a chaise window , and she was gone . the corner being out of the way of the idle and curious , and the preparations having been very simple and few , the doctor , mr . lorry , and miss pross , were left quite alone . it was when they turned into the welcome shade of the cool old hall , that mr . lorry observed a great change to have come over the doctor as if the golden arm uplifted there , had struck him a poisoned blow . he had naturally repressed much , and some revulsion might have been expected in him when the occasion for repression was gone . but , it was the old scared lost look that troubled mr . lorry and through his absent manner of clasping his head and drearily wandering away into his own room when they got up stairs, , mr . lorry was reminded of defarge the wine shop keeper , and the starlight ride . i think , he whispered to miss pross , after anxious consideration , i think we had best not speak to him just now , or at all disturb him . i must look in at tellsons so i will go there at once and come back presently . then , we will take him a ride into the country , and dine there , and all will be well . it was easier for mr . lorry to look in at tellsons , than to look out of tellsons . he was detained two hours . when he came back , he ascended the old staircase alone , having asked no question of the servant going thus into the doctors rooms , he was stopped by a low sound of knocking . good god . he said , with a start . whats that . miss pross , with a terrified face , was at his ear . o me , o me . all is lost . cried she , wringing her hands . what is to be told to ladybird . he doesnt know me , and is making shoes . mr . lorry said what he could to calm her , and went himself into the doctors room . the bench was turned towards the light , as it had been when he had seen the shoemaker at his work before , and his head was bent down , and he was very busy . doctor manette . my dear friend , doctor manette . the doctor looked at him for a moment  inquiringly , half as if he were angry at being spoken to  bent over his work again . he had laid aside his coat and waistcoat his shirt was open at the throat , as it used to be when he did that work and even the old haggard , faded surface of face had come back to him . he worked hard  if in some sense of having been interrupted . mr . lorry glanced at the work in his hand , and observed that it was a shoe of the old size and shape . he took up another that was lying by him , and asked what it was . a young ladys walking shoe , he muttered , without looking up . it ought to have been finished long ago . let it be . but , doctor manette . look at me . he obeyed , in the old mechanically submissive manner , without pausing in his work . you know me , my dear friend . think again . this is not your proper occupation . think , dear friend . nothing would induce him to speak more . he looked up , for an instant at a time , when he was requested to do so but , no persuasion would extract a word from him . he worked , and worked , and worked , in silence , and words fell on him as they would have fallen on an echoless wall , or on the air . the only ray of hope that mr . lorry could discover , was , that he sometimes furtively looked up without being asked . in that , there seemed a faint expression of curiosity or perplexity  though he were trying to reconcile some doubts in his mind . two things at once impressed themselves on mr . lorry , as important above all others the first , that this must be kept secret from lucie the second , that it must be kept secret from all who knew him . in conjunction with miss pross , he took immediate steps towards the latter precaution , by giving out that the doctor was not well , and required a few days of complete rest . in aid of the kind deception to be practised on his daughter , miss pross was to write , describing his having been called away professionally , and referring to an imaginary letter of two or three hurried lines in his own hand , represented to have been addressed to her by the same post . these measures , advisable to be taken in any case , mr . lorry took in the hope of his coming to himself . if that should happen soon , he kept another course in reserve which was , to have a certain opinion that he thought the best , on the doctors case . in the hope of his recovery , and of resort to this third course being thereby rendered practicable , mr . lorry resolved to watch him attentively , with as little appearance as possible of doing so . he therefore made arrangements to absent himself from tellsons for the first time in his life , and took his post by the window in the same room . he was not long in discovering that it was worse than useless to speak to him , since , on being pressed , he became worried . he abandoned that attempt on the first day , and resolved merely to keep himself always before him , as a silent protest against the delusion into which he had fallen , or was falling . he remained , therefore , in his seat near the window , reading and writing , and expressing in as many pleasant and natural ways as he could think of , that it was a free place . doctor manette took what was given him to eat and drink , and worked on , that first day , until it was too dark to see  on , half an hour after mr . lorry could not have seen , for his life , to read or write . when he put his tools aside as useless , until morning , mr . lorry rose and said to him will you go out . he looked down at the floor on either side of him in the old manner , looked up in the old manner , and repeated in the old low voice out . yes for a walk with me . why not . he made no effort to say why not , and said not a word more . but , mr . lorry thought he saw , as he leaned forward on his bench in the dusk , with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands , that he was in some misty way asking himself , why not . the sagacity of the man of business perceived an advantage here , and determined to hold it . miss pross and he divided the night into two watches , and observed him at intervals from the adjoining room . he paced up and down for a long time before he lay down but , when he did finally lay himself down , he fell asleep . in the morning , he was up betimes , and went straight to his bench and to work . on this second day , mr . lorry saluted him cheerfully by his name , and spoke to him on topics that had been of late familiar to them . he returned no reply , but it was evident that he heard what was said , and that he thought about it , however confusedly . this encouraged mr . lorry to have miss pross in with her work , several times during the day at those times , they quietly spoke of lucie , and of her father then present , precisely in the usual manner , and as if there were nothing amiss . this was done without any demonstrative accompaniment , not long enough , or often enough to harass him and it lightened mr . lorrys friendly heart to believe that he looked up oftener , and that he appeared to be stirred by some perception of inconsistencies surrounding him . when it fell dark again , mr . lorry asked him as before dear doctor , will you go out . as before , he repeated , out . yes for a walk with me . why not . this time , mr . lorry feigned to go out when he could extract no answer from him , and , after remaining absent for an hour , returned . in the meanwhile , the doctor had removed to the seat in the window , and had sat there looking down at the plane tree but , on mr . lorrys return , he slipped away to his bench . the time went very slowly on , and mr . lorrys hope darkened , and his heart grew heavier again , and grew yet heavier and heavier every day . the third day came and went , the fourth , the fifth . five days , six days , seven days , eight days , nine days . with a hope ever darkening , and with a heart always growing heavier and heavier , mr . lorry passed through this anxious time . the secret was well kept , and lucie was unconscious and happy but he could not fail to observe that the shoemaker , whose hand had been a little out at first , was growing dreadfully skilful , and that he had never been so intent on his work , and that his hands had never been so nimble and expert , as in the dusk of the ninth evening . xix . an opinion worn out by anxious watching , mr . lorry fell asleep at his post . on the tenth morning of his suspense , he was startled by the shining of the sun into the room where a heavy slumber had overtaken him when it was dark night . he rubbed his eyes and roused himself but he doubted , when he had done so , whether he was not still asleep . for , going to the door of the doctors room and looking in , he perceived that the shoemakers bench and tools were put aside again , and that the doctor himself sat reading at the window . he was in his usual morning dress , and his face which mr . lorry could distinctly see , though still very pale , was calmly studious and attentive . even when he had satisfied himself that he was awake , mr . lorry felt giddily uncertain for some few moments whether the late shoemaking might not be a disturbed dream of his own for , did not his eyes show him his friend before him in his accustomed clothing and aspect , and employed as usual and was there any sign within their range , that the change of which he had so strong an impression had actually happened . it was but the inquiry of his first confusion and astonishment , the answer being obvious . if the impression were not produced by a real corresponding and sufficient cause , how came he , jarvis lorry , there . how came he to have fallen asleep , in his clothes , on the sofa in doctor manettes consulting room, , and to be debating these points outside the doctors bedroom door in the early morning . within a few minutes , miss pross stood whispering at his side . if he had any particle of doubt left , her talk would of necessity have resolved it but he was by that time clear headed, , and had none . he advised that they should let the time go by until the regular breakfast hour, , and should then meet the doctor as if nothing unusual had occurred . if he appeared to be in his customary state of mind , mr . lorry would then cautiously proceed to seek direction and guidance from the opinion he had been , in his anxiety , so anxious to obtain . miss pross , submitting herself to his judgment , the scheme was worked out with care . having abundance of time for his usual methodical toilette , mr . lorry presented himself at the breakfast hour in his usual white linen , and with his usual neat leg . the doctor was summoned in the usual way , and came to breakfast . so far as it was possible to comprehend him without overstepping those delicate and gradual approaches which mr . lorry felt to be the only safe advance , he at first supposed that his daughters marriage had taken place yesterday . an incidental allusion , purposely thrown out , to the day of the week , and the day of the month , set him thinking and counting , and evidently made him uneasy . in all other respects , however , he was so composedly himself , that mr . lorry determined to have the aid he sought . and that aid was his own . therefore , when the breakfast was done and cleared away , and he and the doctor were left together , mr . lorry said , feelingly my dear manette , i am anxious to have your opinion , in confidence , on a very curious case in which i am deeply interested that is to say , it is very curious to me perhaps , to your better information it may be less so . glancing at his hands , which were discoloured by his late work , the doctor looked troubled , and listened attentively . he had already glanced at his hands more than once . doctor manette , said mr . lorry , touching him affectionately on the arm , the case is the case of a particularly dear friend of mine . pray give your mind to it , and advise me well for his sake  above all , for his daughters  my dear manette . if i understand , said the doctor , in a subdued tone , some mental shock  . yes . be explicit , said the doctor . spare no detail . mr . lorry saw that they understood one another , and proceeded . my dear manette , it is the case of an old and a prolonged shock , of great acuteness and severity to the affections , the feelings , the  you express it  mind . the mind . it is the case of a shock under which the sufferer was borne down , one cannot say for how long , because i believe he cannot calculate the time himself , and there are no other means of getting at it . it is the case of a shock from which the sufferer recovered , by a process that he cannot trace himself  i once heard him publicly relate in a striking manner . it is the case of a shock from which he has recovered , so completely , as to be a highly intelligent man , capable of close application of mind , and great exertion of body , and of constantly making fresh additions to his stock of knowledge , which was already very large . but , unfortunately , there has been , he paused and took a deep breath  slight relapse . the doctor , in a low voice , asked , of how long duration . nine days and nights . how did it show itself . i infer , glancing at his hands again , in the resumption of some old pursuit connected with the shock . that is the fact . now , did you ever see him , asked the doctor , distinctly and collectedly , though in the same low voice , engaged in that pursuit originally . once . and when the relapse fell on him , was he in most respects  in all respects  he was then . i think in all respects . you spoke of his daughter . does his daughter know of the relapse . no . it has been kept from her , and i hope will always be kept from her . it is known only to myself , and to one other who may be trusted . the doctor grasped his hand , and murmured , that was very kind . that was very thoughtful . mr . lorry grasped his hand in return , and neither of the two spoke for a little while . now , my dear manette , said mr . lorry , at length , in his most considerate and most affectionate way , i am a mere man of business , and unfit to cope with such intricate and difficult matters . i do not possess the kind of information necessary i do not possess the kind of intelligence i want guiding . there is no man in this world on whom i could so rely for right guidance , as on you . tell me , how does this relapse come about . is there danger of another . could a repetition of it be prevented . how should a repetition of it be treated . how does it come about at all . what can i do for my friend . no man ever can have been more desirous in his heart to serve a friend , than i am to serve mine , if i knew how . but i dont know how to originate , in such a case . if your sagacity , knowledge , and experience , could put me on the right track , i might be able to do so much unenlightened and undirected , i can do so little . pray discuss it with me pray enable me to see it a little more clearly , and teach me how to be a little more useful . doctor manette sat meditating after these earnest words were spoken , and mr . lorry did not press him . i think it probable , said the doctor , breaking silence with an effort , that the relapse you have described , my dear friend , was not quite unforeseen by its subject . was it dreaded by him . mr . lorry ventured to ask . very much . he said it with an involuntary shudder . you have no idea how such an apprehension weighs on the sufferers mind , and how difficult  almost impossible  is , for him to force himself to utter a word upon the topic that oppresses him . would he , asked mr . lorry , be sensibly relieved if he could prevail upon himself to impart that secret brooding to any one , when it is on him . i think so . but it is , as i have told you , next to impossible . i even believe it  some cases  be quite impossible . now , said mr . lorry , gently laying his hand on the doctors arm again , after a short silence on both sides , to what would you refer this attack . i believe , returned doctor manette , that there had been a strong and extraordinary revival of the train of thought and remembrance that was the first cause of the malady . some intense associations of a most distressing nature were vividly recalled , i think . it is probable that there had long been a dread lurking in his mind , that those associations would be recalled  , under certain circumstances  , on a particular occasion . he tried to prepare himself in vain perhaps the effort to prepare himself made him less able to bear it . would he remember what took place in the relapse . asked mr . lorry , with natural hesitation . the doctor looked desolately round the room , shook his head , and answered , in a low voice , not at all . now , as to the future , hinted mr . lorry . as to the future , said the doctor , recovering firmness , i should have great hope . as it pleased heaven in its mercy to restore him so soon , i should have great hope . he , yielding under the pressure of a complicated something , long dreaded and long vaguely foreseen and contended against , and recovering after the cloud had burst and passed , i should hope that the worst was over . well , . thats good comfort . i am thankful . said mr . lorry . i am thankful . repeated the doctor , bending his head with reverence . there are two other points , said mr . lorry , on which i am anxious to be instructed . i may go on . you cannot do your friend a better service . the doctor gave him his hand . to the first , then . he is of a studious habit , and unusually energetic he applies himself with great ardour to the acquisition of professional knowledge , to the conducting of experiments , to many things . now , does he do too much . i think not . it may be the character of his mind , to be always in singular need of occupation . that may be , in part , natural to it in part , the result of affliction . the less it was occupied with healthy things , the more it would be in danger of turning in the unhealthy direction . he may have observed himself , and made the discovery . you are sure that he is not under too great a strain . i think i am quite sure of it . my dear manette , if he were overworked now  my dear lorry , i doubt if that could easily be . there has been a violent stress in one direction , and it needs a counterweight . excuse me , as a persistent man of business . assuming for a moment , that he was overworked it would show itself in some renewal of this disorder . i do not think so . i do not think , said doctor manette with the firmness of self conviction, , that anything but the one train of association would renew it . i think that , henceforth , nothing but some extraordinary jarring of that chord could renew it . after what has happened , and after his recovery , i find it difficult to imagine any such violent sounding of that string again . i trust , and i almost believe , that the circumstances likely to renew it are exhausted . he spoke with the diffidence of a man who knew how slight a thing would overset the delicate organisation of the mind , and yet with the confidence of a man who had slowly won his assurance out of personal endurance and distress . it was not for his friend to abate that confidence . he professed himself more relieved and encouraged than he really was , and approached his second and last point . he felt it to be the most difficult of all but , remembering his old sunday morning conversation with miss pross , and remembering what he had seen in the last nine days , he knew that he must face it . the occupation resumed under the influence of this passing affliction so happily recovered from , said mr . lorry , clearing his throat , we will call  work , blacksmiths work . we will say , to put a case and for the sake of illustration , that he had been used , in his bad time , to work at a little forge . we will say that he was unexpectedly found at his forge again . is it not a pity that he should keep it by him . the doctor shaded his forehead with his hand , and beat his foot nervously on the ground . he has always kept it by him , said mr . lorry , with an anxious look at his friend . now , would it not be better that he should let it go . still , the doctor , with shaded forehead , beat his foot nervously on the ground . you do not find it easy to advise me . said mr . lorry . i quite understand it to be a nice question . and yet i think  and there he shook his head , and stopped . you see , said doctor manette , turning to him after an uneasy pause , it is very hard to explain , consistently , the innermost workings of this poor mans mind . he once yearned so frightfully for that occupation , and it was so welcome when it came no doubt it relieved his pain so much , by substituting the perplexity of the fingers for the perplexity of the brain , and by substituting , as he became more practised , the ingenuity of the hands , for the ingenuity of the mental torture that he has never been able to bear the thought of putting it quite out of his reach . even now , when i believe he is more hopeful of himself than he has ever been , and even speaks of himself with a kind of confidence , the idea that he might need that old employment , and not find it , gives him a sudden sense of terror , like that which one may fancy strikes to the heart of a lost child . he looked like his illustration , as he raised his eyes to mr . lorrys face . but may not  . i ask for information , as a plodding man of business who only deals with such material objects as guineas , shillings , and bank notes not the retention of the thing involve the retention of the idea . if the thing were gone , my dear manette , might not the fear go with it . in short , is it not a concession to the misgiving , to keep the forge . there was another silence . you see , too , said the doctor , tremulously , it is such an old companion . i would not keep it , said mr . lorry , shaking his head for he gained in firmness as he saw the doctor disquieted . i would recommend him to sacrifice it . i only want your authority . i am sure it does no good . come . give me your authority , like a dear good man . for his daughters sake , my dear manette . very strange to see what a struggle there was within him . in her name , then , let it be done i sanction it . but , i would not take it away while he was present . let it be removed when he is not there let him miss his old companion after an absence . mr . lorry readily engaged for that , and the conference was ended . they passed the day in the country , and the doctor was quite restored . on the three following days he remained perfectly well , and on the fourteenth day he went away to join lucie and her husband . the precaution that had been taken to account for his silence , mr . lorry had previously explained to him , and he had written to lucie in accordance with it , and she had no suspicions . on the night of the day on which he left the house , mr . lorry went into his room with a chopper , saw , chisel , and hammer , attended by miss pross carrying a light . there , with closed doors , and in a mysterious and guilty manner , mr . lorry hacked the shoemakers bench to pieces , while miss pross held the candle as if she were assisting at a murder  which , indeed , in her grimness , she was no unsuitable figure . the burning of the body previously reduced to pieces convenient for the purpose was commenced without delay in the kitchen fire and the tools , shoes , and leather , were buried in the garden . so wicked do destruction and secrecy appear to honest minds , that mr . lorry and miss pross , while engaged in the commission of their deed and in the removal of its traces , almost felt , and almost looked , like accomplices in a horrible crime . xx . a plea when the newly married pair came home , the first person who appeared , to offer his congratulations , was sydney carton . they had not been at home many hours , when he presented himself . he was not improved in habits , or in looks , or in manner but there was a certain rugged air of fidelity about him , which was new to the observation of charles darnay . he watched his opportunity of taking darnay aside into a window , and of speaking to him when no one overheard . mr . darnay , said carton , i wish we might be friends . we are already friends , i hope . you are good enough to say so , as a fashion of speech but , i dont mean any fashion of speech . indeed , when i say i wish we might be friends , i scarcely mean quite that , either . charles darnay  was natural  him , in all good humour and good fellowship, , what he did mean . upon my life , said carton , smiling , i find that easier to comprehend in my own mind , than to convey to yours . however , let me try . you remember a certain famous occasion when i was more drunk than  usual . i remember a certain famous occasion when you forced me to confess that you had been drinking . i remember it too . the curse of those occasions is heavy upon me , for i always remember them . i hope it may be taken into account one day , when all days are at an end for me . dont be alarmed i am not going to preach . i am not at all alarmed . earnestness in you , is anything but alarming to me . ah . said carton , with a careless wave of his hand , as if he waved that away . on the drunken occasion in question one of a large number , as you know , i was insufferable about liking you , and not liking you . i wish you would forget it . i forgot it long ago . fashion of speech again . but , mr . darnay , oblivion is not so easy to me , as you represent it to be to you . i have by no means forgotten it , and a light answer does not help me to forget it . if it was a light answer , returned darnay , i beg your forgiveness for it . i had no other object than to turn a slight thing , which , to my surprise , seems to trouble you too much , aside . i declare to you , on the faith of a gentleman , that i have long dismissed it from my mind . good heaven , what was there to dismiss . have i had nothing more important to remember , in the great service you rendered me that day . as to the great service , said carton , i am bound to avow to you , when you speak of it in that way , that it was mere professional claptrap , i dont know that i cared what became of you , when i rendered it .  . i say when i rendered it i am speaking of the past . you make light of the obligation , returned darnay , but i will not quarrel with your light answer . genuine truth , mr . darnay , trust me . i have gone aside from my purpose i was speaking about our being friends . now , you know me you know i am incapable of all the higher and better flights of men . if you doubt it , ask stryver , and hell tell you so . i prefer to form my own opinion , without the aid of his . well . at any rate you know me as a dissolute dog , who has never done any good , and never will . i dont know that you never will . but i do , and you must take my word for it . well . if you could endure to have such a worthless fellow , and a fellow of such indifferent reputation , coming and going at odd times , i should ask that i might be permitted to come and go as a privileged person here that i might be regarded as an useless and i would add , if it were not for the resemblance i detected between you and me , an unornamental piece of furniture , tolerated for its old service , and taken no notice of . i doubt if i should abuse the permission . it is a hundred to one if i should avail myself of it four times in a year . it would satisfy me , i dare say , to know that i had it . will you try . that is another way of saying that i am placed on the footing i have indicated . i thank you , darnay . i may use that freedom with your name . i think so , carton , by this time . they shook hands upon it , and sydney turned away . within a minute afterwards , he was , to all outward appearance , as unsubstantial as ever . when he was gone , and in the course of an evening passed with miss pross , the doctor , and mr . lorry , charles darnay made some mention of this conversation in general terms , and spoke of sydney carton as a problem of carelessness and recklessness . he spoke of him , in short , not bitterly or meaning to bear hard upon him , but as anybody might who saw him as he showed himself . he had no idea that this could dwell in the thoughts of his fair young wife but , when he afterwards joined her in their own rooms , he found her waiting for him with the old pretty lifting of the forehead strongly marked . we are thoughtful to night . said darnay , drawing his arm about her . yes , dearest charles , with her hands on his breast , and the inquiring and attentive expression fixed upon him we are rather thoughtful to night, , for we have something on our mind to night . what is it , my lucie . will you promise not to press one question on me , if i beg you not to ask it . will i promise . what will i not promise to my love . what , indeed , with his hand putting aside the golden hair from the cheek , and his other hand against the heart that beat for him . i think , charles , poor mr . carton deserves more consideration and respect than you expressed for him to night . indeed , my own . why so . that is what you are not to ask me . but i think  know  does . if you know it , is enough . what would you have me do , my life . i would ask you , dearest , to be very generous with him always , and very lenient on his faults when he is not by . i would ask you to believe that he has a heart he very , seldom reveals , and that there are deep wounds in it . my dear , i have seen it bleeding . it is a painful reflection to me , said charles darnay , quite astounded , that i should have done him any wrong . i never thought this of him . my husband , it is so . i fear he is not to be reclaimed there is scarcely a hope that anything in his character or fortunes is reparable now . but , i am sure that he is capable of good things , gentle things , even magnanimous things . she looked so beautiful in the purity of her faith in this lost man , that her husband could have looked at her as she was for hours . and , o my dearest love . she urged , clinging nearer to him , laying her head upon his breast , and raising her eyes to his , remember how strong we are in our happiness , and how weak he is in his misery . the supplication touched him home . i will always remember it , dear heart . i will remember it as long as i live . he bent over the golden head , and put the rosy lips to his , and folded her in his arms . if one forlorn wanderer then pacing the dark streets , could have heard her innocent disclosure , and could have seen the drops of pity kissed away by her husband from the soft blue eyes so loving of that husband , he might have cried to the night  the words would not have parted from his lips for the first time  god bless her for her sweet compassion . xxi . echoing footsteps a wonderful corner for echoes , it has been remarked , that corner where the doctor lived . ever busily winding the golden thread which bound her husband , and her father , and herself , and her old directress and companion , in a life of quiet bliss , lucie sat in the still house in the tranquilly resounding corner , listening to the echoing footsteps of years . at first , there were times , though she was a perfectly happy young wife , when her work would slowly fall from her hands , and her eyes would be dimmed . for , there was something coming in the echoes , something light , afar off , and scarcely audible yet , that stirred her heart too much . fluttering hopes and doubts  , of a love as yet unknown to her doubts , of her remaining upon earth , to enjoy that new delight  her breast . among the echoes then , there would arise the sound of footsteps at her own early grave and thoughts of the husband who would be left so desolate , and who would mourn for her so much , swelled to her eyes , and broke like waves . that time passed , and her little lucie lay on her bosom . then , among the advancing echoes , there was the tread of her tiny feet and the sound of her prattling words . let greater echoes resound as they would , the young mother at the cradle side could always hear those coming . they came , and the shady house was sunny with a childs laugh , and the divine friend of children , to whom in her trouble she had confided hers , seemed to take her child in his arms , as he took the child of old , and made it a sacred joy to her . ever busily winding the golden thread that bound them all together , weaving the service of her happy influence through the tissue of all their lives , and making it predominate nowhere , lucie heard in the echoes of years none but friendly and soothing sounds . her husbands step was strong and prosperous among them her fathers firm and equal . lo , miss pross , in harness of string , awakening the echoes , as an unruly charger , whip corrected, , snorting and pawing the earth under the plane tree in the garden . even when there were sounds of sorrow among the rest , they were not harsh nor cruel . even when golden hair , like her own , lay in a halo on a pillow round the worn face of a little boy , and he said , with a radiant smile , dear papa and mamma , i am very sorry to leave you both , and to leave my pretty sister but i am called , and i must go . those were not tears all of agony that wetted his young mothers cheek , as the spirit departed from her embrace that had been entrusted to it . suffer them and forbid them not . they see my fathers face . o father , blessed words . thus , the rustling of an angels wings got blended with the other echoes , and they were not wholly of earth , but had in them that breath of heaven . sighs of the winds that blew over a little garden tomb were mingled with them also , and both were audible to lucie , in a hushed murmur  the breathing of a summer sea asleep upon a sandy shore  the little lucie , comically studious at the task of the morning , or dressing a doll at her mothers footstool , chattered in the tongues of the two cities that were blended in her life . the echoes rarely answered to the actual tread of sydney carton . some half dozen times a year , at most , he claimed his privilege of coming in uninvited , and would sit among them through the evening , as he had once done often . he never came there heated with wine . and one other thing regarding him was whispered in the echoes , which has been whispered by all true echoes for ages and ages . no man ever really loved a woman , lost her , and knew her with a blameless though an unchanged mind , when she was a wife and a mother , but her children had a strange sympathy with him  instinctive delicacy of pity for him . what fine hidden sensibilities are touched in such a case , no echoes tell but it is so , and it was so here . carton was the first stranger to whom little lucie held out her chubby arms , and he kept his place with her as she grew . the little boy had spoken of him , almost at the last . poor carton . kiss him for me . mr . stryver shouldered his way through the law , like some great engine forcing itself through turbid water , and dragged his useful friend in his wake , like a boat towed astern . as the boat so favoured is usually in a rough plight , and mostly under water , so , sydney had a swamped life of it . but , easy and strong custom , unhappily so much easier and stronger in him than any stimulating sense of desert or disgrace , made it the life he was to lead and he no more thought of emerging from his state of lions jackal , than any real jackal may be supposed to think of rising to be a lion . stryver was rich had married a florid widow with property and three boys , who had nothing particularly shining about them but the straight hair of their dumpling heads . these three young gentlemen , mr . stryver , exuding patronage of the most offensive quality from every pore , had walked before him like three sheep to the quiet corner in soho , and had offered as pupils to lucies husband delicately saying halloa . here are three lumps of bread and towards your matrimonial picnic , darnay . the polite rejection of the three lumps of bread and had quite bloated mr . stryver with indignation , which he afterwards turned to account in the training of the young gentlemen , by directing them to beware of the pride of beggars , like that tutor fellow . he was also in the habit of declaiming to mrs . stryver , over his full bodied wine , on the arts mrs . darnay had once put in practice to catch him , and on the diamond cut arts in himself , madam , which had rendered him not to be caught . some of his kings bench familiars , who were occasionally parties to the full bodied wine and the lie , excused him for the latter by saying that he had told it so often , that he believed it himself  is surely such an incorrigible aggravation of an originally bad offence , as to justify any such offenders being carried off to some suitably retired spot , and there hanged out of the way . these were among the echoes to which lucie , sometimes pensive , sometimes amused and laughing , listened in the echoing corner , until her little daughter was six years old . how near to her heart the echoes of her childs tread came , and those of her own dear fathers , always active and self possessed, , and those of her dear husbands , need not be told . nor , how the lightest echo of their united home , directed by herself with such a wise and elegant thrift that it was more abundant than any waste , was music to her . nor , how there were echoes all about her , sweet in her ears , of the many times her father had told her that he found her more devoted to him married than single , and of the many times her husband had said to her that no cares and duties seemed to divide her love for him or her help to him , and asked her what is the magic secret , my darling , of your being everything to all of us , as if there were only one of us , yet never seeming to be hurried , or to have too much to do . but , there were other echoes , from a distance , that rumbled menacingly in the corner all through this space of time . and it was now , about little lucies sixth birthday , that they began to have an awful sound , as of a great storm in france with a dreadful sea rising . on a night in mid july, , one thousand seven hundred and eighty nine, , mr . lorry came in late , from tellsons , and sat himself down by lucie and her husband in the dark window . it was a hot , wild night , and they were all three reminded of the old sunday night when they had looked at the lightning from the same place . i began to think , said mr . lorry , pushing his brown wig back , that i should have to pass the night at tellsons . we have been so full of business all day , that we have not known what to do first , or which way to turn . there is such an uneasiness in paris , that we have actually a run of confidence upon us . our customers over there , seem not to be able to confide their property to us fast enough . there is positively a mania among some of them for sending it to england . that has a bad look , said darnay  a bad look , you say , my dear darnay . yes , but we dont know what reason there is in it . people are so unreasonable . some of us at tellsons are getting old , and we really cant be troubled out of the ordinary course without due occasion . still , said darnay , you know how gloomy and threatening the sky is . i know that , to be sure , assented mr . lorry , trying to persuade himself that his sweet temper was soured , and that he grumbled , but i am determined to be peevish after my long days botheration . where is manette . here he is , said the doctor , entering the dark room at the moment . i am quite glad you are at home for these hurries and forebodings by which i have been surrounded all day long , have made me nervous without reason . you are not going out , i hope . no i am going to play backgammon with you , if you like , said the doctor . i dont think i do like , if i may speak my mind . i am not fit to be pitted against you to night . is the teaboard still there , lucie . i cant see . of course , it has been kept for you . thank ye , my dear . the precious child is safe in bed . and sleeping soundly . thats right all safe and well . i dont know why anything should be otherwise than safe and well here , thank god but i have been so put out all day , and i am not as young as i was . my tea , my dear . thank ye . now , come and take your place in the circle , and let us sit quiet , and hear the echoes about which you have your theory . not a theory it was a fancy . a fancy , then , my wise pet , said mr . lorry , patting her hand . they are very numerous and very loud , though , are they not . only hear them . headlong , mad , and dangerous footsteps to force their way into anybodys life , footsteps not easily made clean again if once stained red , the footsteps raging in saint antoine afar off , as the little circle sat in the dark london window . saint antoine had been , that morning , a vast dusky mass of scarecrows heaving to and fro , with frequent gleams of light above the billowy heads , where steel blades and bayonets shone in the sun . a tremendous roar arose from the throat of saint antoine , and a forest of naked arms struggled in the air like shrivelled branches of trees in a winter wind all the fingers convulsively clutching at every weapon or semblance of a weapon that was thrown up from the depths below , no matter how far off . who gave them out , whence they last came , where they began , through what agency they crookedly quivered and jerked , scores at a time , over the heads of the crowd , like a kind of lightning , no eye in the throng could have told but , muskets were being distributed  were cartridges , powder , and ball , bars of iron and wood , knives , axes , pikes , every weapon that distracted ingenuity could discover or devise . people who could lay hold of nothing else , set themselves with bleeding hands to force stones and bricks out of their places in walls . every pulse and heart in saint antoine was on high fever strain and at high fever heat . every living creature there held life as of no account , and was demented with a passionate readiness to sacrifice it . as a whirlpool of boiling waters has a centre point , so , all this raging circled round defarges wine shop, , and every human drop in the caldron had a tendency to be sucked towards the vortex where defarge himself , already begrimed with gunpowder and sweat , issued orders , issued arms , thrust this man back , dragged this man forward , disarmed one to arm another , laboured and strove in the thickest of the uproar . keep near to me , jacques three , cried defarge and do you , jacques one and two , separate and put yourselves at the head of as many of these patriots as you can . where is my wife . eh , well . here you see me . said madame , composed as ever , but not knitting to day . madames resolute right hand was occupied with an axe , in place of the usual softer implements , and in her girdle were a pistol and a cruel knife . where do you go , my wife . i go , said madame , with you at present . you shall see me at the head of women , by and . come , then . cried defarge , in a resounding voice . patriots and friends , we are ready . the bastille . with a roar that sounded as if all the breath in france had been shaped into the detested word , the living sea rose , wave on wave , depth on depth , and overflowed the city to that point . alarm bells ringing , drums beating , the sea raging and thundering on its new beach , the attack began . deep ditches , double drawbridge , massive stone walls , eight great towers , cannon , muskets , fire and smoke . through the fire and through the smoke  the fire and in the smoke , for the sea cast him up against a cannon , and on the instant he became a cannonier  of the wine shop worked like a manful soldier , two fierce hours . deep ditch , single drawbridge , massive stone walls , eight great towers , cannon , muskets , fire and smoke . one drawbridge down . work , comrades all , work . work , jacques one , jacques two , jacques one thousand , jacques two thousand , jacques five and thousand in the name of all the angels or the devils  you prefer  . thus defarge of the wine shop, , still at his gun , which had long grown hot . to me , women . cried madame his wife . what . we can kill as well as the men when the place is taken . and to her , with a shrill thirsty cry , trooping women variously armed , but all armed alike in hunger and revenge . cannon , muskets , fire and smoke but , still the deep ditch , the single drawbridge , the massive stone walls , and the eight great towers . slight displacements of the raging sea , made by the falling wounded . flashing weapons , blazing torches , smoking waggonloads of wet straw , hard work at neighbouring barricades in all directions , shrieks , volleys , execrations , bravery without stint , boom smash and rattle , and the furious sounding of the living sea but , still the deep ditch , and the single drawbridge , and the massive stone walls , and the eight great towers , and still defarge of the wine shop at his gun , grown doubly hot by the service of four fierce hours . a white flag from within the fortress , and a parley  dimly perceptible through the raging storm , nothing audible in it  the sea rose immeasurably wider and higher , and swept defarge of the wine shop over the lowered drawbridge , past the massive stone outer walls , in among the eight great towers surrendered . so resistless was the force of the ocean bearing him on , that even to draw his breath or turn his head was as impracticable as if he had been struggling in the surf at the south sea , until he was landed in the outer courtyard of the bastille . there , against an angle of a wall , he made a struggle to look about him . jacques three was nearly at his side madame defarge , still heading some of her women , was visible in the inner distance , and her knife was in her hand . everywhere was tumult , exultation , deafening and maniacal bewilderment , astounding noise , yet furious dumb show . the prisoners . the records . the secret cells . the instruments of torture . the prisoners . of all these cries , and ten thousand incoherences , the prisoners . was the cry most taken up by the sea that rushed in , as if there were an eternity of people , as well as of time and space . when the foremost billows rolled past , bearing the prison officers with them , and threatening them all with instant death if any secret nook remained undisclosed , defarge laid his strong hand on the breast of one of these men  man with a grey head , who had a lighted torch in his hand  him from the rest , and got him between himself and the wall . show me the north tower . said defarge . quick . i will faithfully , replied the man , if you will come with me . but there is no one there . what is the meaning of one hundred and five , north tower . asked defarge . quick . the meaning , monsieur . does it mean a captive , or a place of captivity . or do you mean that i shall strike you dead . kill him . croaked jacques three , who had come close up . monsieur , it is a cell . show it me . pass this way , then . jacques three , with his usual craving on him , and evidently disappointed by the dialogue taking a turn that did not seem to promise bloodshed , held by defarges arm as he held by the turnkeys . their three heads had been close together during this brief discourse , and it had been as much as they could do to hear one another , even then so tremendous was the noise of the living ocean , in its irruption into the fortress , and its inundation of the courts and passages and staircases . all around outside , too , it beat the walls with a deep , hoarse roar , from which , occasionally , some partial shouts of tumult broke and leaped into the air like spray . through gloomy vaults where the light of day had never shone , past hideous doors of dark dens and cages , down cavernous flights of steps , and again up steep rugged ascents of stone and brick , more like dry waterfalls than staircases , defarge , the turnkey , and jacques three , linked hand and arm , went with all the speed they could make . here and there , especially at first , the inundation started on them and swept by but when they had done descending , and were winding and climbing up a tower , they were alone . hemmed in here by the massive thickness of walls and arches , the storm within the fortress and without was only audible to them in a dull , subdued way , as if the noise out of which they had come had almost destroyed their sense of hearing . the turnkey stopped at a low door , put a key in a clashing lock , swung the door slowly open , and said , as they all bent their heads and passed in one hundred and five , north tower . there was a small , heavily grated, , unglazed window high in the wall , with a stone screen before it , so that the sky could be only seen by stooping low and looking up . there was a small chimney , heavily barred across , a few feet within . there was a heap of old feathery wood ashes on the hearth . there was a stool , and table , and a straw bed . there were the four blackened walls , and a rusted iron ring in one of them . pass that torch slowly along these walls , that i may see them , said defarge to the turnkey . the man obeyed , and defarge followed the light closely with his eyes . stop . here , jacques . a . m .  . croaked jacques three , as he read greedily . alexandre manette , said defarge in his ear , following the letters with his swart forefinger , deeply engrained with gunpowder . and here he wrote a poor physician . and it was he , without doubt , who scratched a calendar on this stone . what is that in your hand . a crowbar . give it me . he had still the linstock of his gun in his own hand . he made a sudden exchange of the two instruments , and turning on the worm eaten stool and table , beat them to pieces in a few blows . hold the light higher . he said , wrathfully , to the turnkey . look among those fragments with care , jacques . and see . here is my knife , throwing it to him rip open that bed , and search the straw . hold the light higher , you . with a menacing look at the turnkey he crawled upon the hearth , and , peering up the chimney , struck and prised at its sides with the crowbar , and worked at the iron grating across it . in a few minutes , some mortar and dust came dropping down , which he averted his face to avoid and in it , and in the old wood ashes, , and in a crevice in the chimney into which his weapon had slipped or wrought itself , he groped with a cautious touch . nothing in the wood , and nothing in the straw , jacques . nothing . let us collect them together , in the middle of the cell . so . light them , you . the turnkey fired the little pile , which blazed high and hot . stooping again to come out at the low arched door , they left it burning , and retraced their way to the courtyard seeming to recover their sense of hearing as they came down , until they were in the raging flood once more . they found it surging and tossing , in quest of defarge himself . saint antoine was clamorous to have its wine shop keeper foremost in the guard upon the governor who had defended the bastille and shot the people . otherwise , the governor would not be marched to the hotel de ville for judgment . otherwise , the governor would escape , and the peoples blood be unavenged . in the howling universe of passion and contention that seemed to encompass this grim old officer conspicuous in his grey coat and red decoration , there was but one quite steady figure , and that was a womans . see , there is my husband . she cried , pointing him out . see defarge . she stood immovable close to the grim old officer , and remained immovable close to him remained immovable close to him through the streets , as defarge and the rest bore him along remained immovable close to him when he was got near his destination , and began to be struck at from behind remained immovable close to him when the long gathering rain of stabs and blows fell heavy was so close to him when he dropped dead under it , that , suddenly animated , she put her foot upon his neck , and with her cruel knife  ready  off his head . the hour was come , when saint antoine was to execute his horrible idea of hoisting up men for lamps to show what he could be and do . saint antoines blood was up , and the blood of tyranny and domination by the iron hand was down  on the steps of the hotel de ville where the governors body lay  on the sole of the shoe of madame defarge where she had trodden on the body to steady it for mutilation . lower the lamp yonder . cried saint antoine , after glaring round for a new means of death here is one of his soldiers to be left on guard . the swinging sentinel was posted , and the sea rushed on . the sea of black and threatening waters , and of destructive upheaving of wave against wave , whose depths were yet unfathomed and whose forces were yet unknown . the remorseless sea of turbulently swaying shapes , voices of vengeance , and faces hardened in the furnaces of suffering until the touch of pity could make no mark on them . but , in the ocean of faces where every fierce and furious expression was in vivid life , there were two groups of faces  seven in number  fixedly contrasting with the rest , that never did sea roll which bore more memorable wrecks with it . seven faces of prisoners , suddenly released by the storm that had burst their tomb , were carried high overhead all scared , all lost , all wondering and amazed , as if the last day were come , and those who rejoiced around them were lost spirits . other seven faces there were , carried higher , seven dead faces , whose drooping eyelids and half seen eyes awaited the last day . impassive faces , yet with a suspended  an abolished  on them faces , rather , in a fearful pause , as having yet to raise the dropped lids of the eyes , and bear witness with the bloodless lips , thou didst it . seven prisoners released , seven gory heads on pikes , the keys of the accursed fortress of the eight strong towers , some discovered letters and other memorials of prisoners of old time , long dead of broken hearts  , and such  , the loudly echoing footsteps of saint antoine escort through the paris streets in mid july, , one thousand seven hundred and eighty nine . now , heaven defeat the fancy of lucie darnay , and keep these feet far out of her life . for , they are headlong , mad , and dangerous and in the years so long after the breaking of the cask at defarges wine shop door , they are not easily purified when once stained red . xxii . the sea still rises haggard saint antoine had only one exultant week , in which to soften his modicum of hard and bitter bread to such extent as he could , with the relish of fraternal embraces and congratulations , when madame defarge sat at her counter , as usual , presiding over the customers . madame defarge wore no rose in her head , for the great brotherhood of spies had become , even in one short week , extremely chary of trusting themselves to the saints mercies . the lamps across his streets had a portentously elastic swing with them . madame defarge , with her arms folded , sat in the morning light and heat , contemplating the wine shop and the street . in both , there were several knots of loungers , squalid and miserable , but now with a manifest sense of power enthroned on their distress . the raggedest nightcap , awry on the wretchedest head , had this crooked significance in it i know how hard it has grown for me , the wearer of this , to support life in myself but do you know how easy it has grown for me , the wearer of this , to destroy life in you . every lean bare arm , that had been without work before , had this work always ready for it now , that it could strike . the fingers of the knitting women were vicious , with the experience that they could tear . there was a change in the appearance of saint antoine the image had been hammering into this for hundreds of years , and the last finishing blows had told mightily on the expression . madame defarge sat observing it , with such suppressed approval as was to be desired in the leader of the saint antoine women . one of her sisterhood knitted beside her . the short , rather plump wife of a starved grocer , and the mother of two children withal , this lieutenant had already earned the complimentary name of the vengeance . hark . said the vengeance . listen , then . who comes . as if a train of powder laid from the outermost bound of saint antoine quarter to the wine shop door , had been suddenly fired , a fast spreading murmur came rushing along . it is defarge , said madame . silence , patriots . defarge came in breathless , pulled off a red cap he wore , and looked around him . listen , everywhere . said madame again . listen to him . defarge stood , panting , against a background of eager eyes and open mouths , formed outside the door all those within the wine shop had sprung to their feet . say then , my husband . what is it . news from the other world . how , then . cried madame , contemptuously . the other world . does everybody here recall old foulon , who told the famished people that they might eat grass , and who died , and went to hell . everybody . from all throats . the news is of him . he is among us . among us . from the universal throat again . and dead . not dead . he feared us so much  with reason  he caused himself to be represented as dead , and had a grand mock funeral . but they have found him alive , hiding in the country , and have brought him in . i have seen him but now , on his way to the hotel de ville , a prisoner . i have said that he had reason to fear us . say all . had he reason . wretched old sinner of more than threescore years and ten , if he had never known it yet , he would have known it in his heart of hearts if he could have heard the answering cry . a moment of profound silence followed . defarge and his wife looked steadfastly at one another . the vengeance stooped , and the jar of a drum was heard as she moved it at her feet behind the counter . patriots . said defarge , in a determined voice , are we ready . instantly madame defarges knife was in her girdle the drum was beating in the streets , as if it and a drummer had flown together by magic and the vengeance , uttering terrific shrieks , and flinging her arms about her head like all the forty furies at once , was tearing from house to house , rousing the women . the men were terrible , in the bloody minded anger with which they looked from windows , caught up what arms they had , and came pouring down into the streets but , the women were a sight to chill the boldest . from such household occupations as their bare poverty yielded , from their children , from their aged and their sick crouching on the bare ground famished and naked , they ran out with streaming hair , urging one another , and themselves , to madness with the wildest cries and actions . villain foulon taken , my sister . old foulon taken , my mother . miscreant foulon taken , my daughter . then , a score of others ran into the midst of these , beating their breasts , tearing their hair , and screaming , foulon alive . foulon who told the starving people they might eat grass . foulon who told my old father that he might eat grass , when i had no bread to give him . foulon who told my baby it might suck grass , when these breasts were dry with want . o mother of god , this foulon . o heaven our suffering . hear me , my dead baby and my withered father i swear on my knees , on these stones , to avenge you on foulon . husbands , and brothers , and young men , give us the blood of foulon , give us the head of foulon , give us the heart of foulon , give us the body and soul of foulon , rend foulon to pieces , and dig him into the ground , that grass may grow from him . with these cries , numbers of the women , lashed into blind frenzy , whirled about , striking and tearing at their own friends until they dropped into a passionate swoon , and were only saved by the men belonging to them from being trampled under foot . nevertheless , not a moment was lost not a moment . this foulon was at the hotel de ville , and might be loosed . never , if saint antoine knew his own sufferings , insults , and wrongs . armed men and women flocked out of the quarter so fast , and drew even these last dregs after them with such a force of suction , that within a quarter of an hour there was not a human creature in saint antoines bosom but a few old crones and the wailing children . no . they were all by that time choking the hall of examination where this old man , ugly and wicked , was , and overflowing into the adjacent open space and streets . the defarges , husband and wife , the vengeance , and jacques three , were in the first press , and at no great distance from him in the hall . see . cried madame , pointing with her knife . see the old villain bound with ropes . that was well done to tie a bunch of grass upon his back . ha , . that was well done . let him eat it now . madame put her knife under her arm , and clapped her hands as at a play . the people immediately behind madame defarge , explaining the cause of her satisfaction to those behind them , and those again explaining to others , and those to others , the neighbouring streets resounded with the clapping of hands . similarly , during two or three hours of drawl , and the winnowing of many bushels of words , madame defarges frequent expressions of impatience were taken up , with marvellous quickness , at a distance the more readily , because certain men who had by some wonderful exercise of agility climbed up the external architecture to look in from the windows , knew madame defarge well , and acted as a telegraph between her and the crowd outside the building . at length the sun rose so high that it struck a kindly ray as of hope or protection , directly down upon the old prisoners head . the favour was too much to bear in an instant the barrier of dust and chaff that had stood surprisingly long , went to the winds , and saint antoine had got him . it was known directly , to the furthest confines of the crowd . defarge had but sprung over a railing and a table , and folded the miserable wretch in a deadly embrace  defarge had but followed and turned her hand in one of the ropes with which he was tied  vengeance and jacques three were not yet up with them , and the men at the windows had not yet swooped into the hall , like birds of prey from their high perches  the cry seemed to go up , all over the city , bring him out . bring him to the lamp . down , and up , and head foremost on the steps of the building now , on his knees now , on his feet now , on his back dragged , and struck at , and stifled by the bunches of grass and straw that were thrust into his face by hundreds of hands torn , bruised , panting , bleeding , yet always entreating and beseeching for mercy now full of vehement agony of action , with a small clear space about him as the people drew one another back that they might see now , a log of dead wood drawn through a forest of legs he was hauled to the nearest street corner where one of the fatal lamps swung , and there madame defarge let him go  a cat might have done to a mouse  silently and composedly looked at him while they made ready , and while he besought her the women passionately screeching at him all the time , and the men sternly calling out to have him killed with grass in his mouth . once , he went aloft , and the rope broke , and they caught him shrieking twice , he went aloft , and the rope broke , and they caught him shrieking then , the rope was merciful , and held him , and his head was soon upon a pike , with grass enough in the mouth for all saint antoine to dance at the sight of . nor was this the end of the days bad work , for saint antoine so shouted and danced his angry blood up , that it boiled again , on hearing when the day closed in that the son in of the despatched , another of the peoples enemies and insulters , was coming into paris under a guard five hundred strong , in cavalry alone . saint antoine wrote his crimes on flaring sheets of paper , seized him  have torn him out of the breast of an army to bear foulon company  his head and heart on pikes , and carried the three spoils of the day , in wolf procession through the streets . not before dark night did the men and women come back to the children , wailing and breadless . then , the miserable bakers shops were beset by long files of them , patiently waiting to buy bad bread and while they waited with stomachs faint and empty , they beguiled the time by embracing one another on the triumphs of the day , and achieving them again in gossip . gradually , these strings of ragged people shortened and frayed away and then poor lights began to shine in high windows , and slender fires were made in the streets , at which neighbours cooked in common , afterwards supping at their doors . scanty and insufficient suppers those , and innocent of meat , as of most other sauce to wretched bread . yet , human fellowship infused some nourishment into the flinty viands , and struck some sparks of cheerfulness out of them . fathers and mothers who had their full share in the worst of the day , played gently with their meagre children and lovers , with such a world around them and before them , loved and hoped . it was almost morning , when defarges wine shop parted with its last knot of customers , and monsieur defarge said to madame his wife , in husky tones , while fastening the door at last it is come , my dear . eh well . returned madame . almost . saint antoine slept , the defarges slept even the vengeance slept with her starved grocer , and the drum was at rest . the drums was the only voice in saint antoine that blood and hurry had not changed . the vengeance , as custodian of the drum , could have wakened him up and had the same speech out of him as before the bastille fell , or old foulon was seized not so with the hoarse tones of the men and women in saint antoines bosom . xxiii . fire rises there was a change on the village where the fountain fell , and where the mender of roads went forth daily to hammer out of the stones on the highway such morsels of bread as might serve for patches to hold his poor ignorant soul and his poor reduced body together . the prison on the crag was not so dominant as of yore there were soldiers to guard it , but not many there were officers to guard the soldiers , but not one of them knew what his men would do  this that it would probably not be what he was ordered . far and wide lay a ruined country , yielding nothing but desolation . every green leaf , every blade of grass and blade of grain , was as shrivelled and poor as the miserable people . everything was bowed down , dejected , oppressed , and broken . habitations , fences , domesticated animals , men , women , children , and the soil that bore them  worn out . monseigneur was a national blessing , gave a chivalrous tone to things , was a polite example of luxurious and shining life , and a great deal more to equal purpose nevertheless , monseigneur as a class had , somehow or other , brought things to this . strange that creation , designed expressly for monseigneur , should be so soon wrung dry and squeezed out . there must be something short sighted in the eternal arrangements , surely . thus it was , however and the last drop of blood having been extracted from the flints , and the last screw of the rack having been turned so often that its purchase crumbled , and it now turned and turned with nothing to bite , monseigneur began to run away from a phenomenon so low and unaccountable . but , this was not the change on the village , and on many a village like it . for scores of years gone by , monseigneur had squeezed it and wrung it , and had seldom graced it with his presence except for the pleasures of the chase  , found in hunting the people now , found in hunting the beasts , for whose preservation monseigneur made edifying spaces of barbarous and barren wilderness . no . the change consisted in the appearance of strange faces of low caste , rather than in the disappearance of the high caste , chiselled , and otherwise beautified and beautifying features of monseigneur . for , in these times , as the mender of roads worked , solitary , in the dust , not often troubling himself to reflect that dust he was and to dust he must return , being for the most part too much occupied in thinking how little he had for supper and how much more he would eat if he had it  these times , as he raised his eyes from his lonely labour , and viewed the prospect , he would see some rough figure approaching on foot , the like of which was once a rarity in those parts , but was now a frequent presence . as it advanced , the mender of roads would discern without surprise , that it was a shaggy haired man , of almost barbarian aspect , tall , in wooden shoes that were clumsy even to the eyes of a mender of roads , grim , rough , swart , steeped in the mud and dust of many highways , dank with the marshy moisture of many low grounds , sprinkled with the thorns and leaves and moss of many byways through woods . such a man came upon him , like a ghost , at noon in the july weather , as he sat on his heap of stones under a bank , taking such shelter as he could get from a shower of hail . the man looked at him , looked at the village in the hollow , at the mill , and at the prison on the crag . when he had identified these objects in what benighted mind he had , he said , in a dialect that was just intelligible how goes it , jacques . all well , jacques . touch then . they joined hands , and the man sat down on the heap of stones . no dinner . nothing but supper now , said the mender of roads , with a hungry face . it is the fashion , growled the man . i meet no dinner anywhere . he took out a blackened pipe , filled it , lighted it with flint and steel , pulled at it until it was in a bright glow then , suddenly held it from him and dropped something into it from between his finger and thumb , that blazed and went out in a puff of smoke . touch then . it was the turn of the mender of roads to say it this time , after observing these operations . they again joined hands . to night . said the mender of roads . to night, , said the man , putting the pipe in his mouth . where . here . he and the mender of roads sat on the heap of stones looking silently at one another , with the hail driving in between them like a pigmy charge of bayonets , until the sky began to clear over the village . show me . said the traveller then , moving to the brow of the hill . see . returned the mender of roads , with extended finger . you go down here , and straight through the street , and past the fountain  to the devil with all that . interrupted the other , rolling his eye over the landscape . i go through no streets and past no fountains . well . well . about two leagues beyond the summit of that hill above the village . good . when do you cease to work . at sunset . will you wake me , before departing . i have walked two nights without resting . let me finish my pipe , and i shall sleep like a child . will you wake me . surely . the wayfarer smoked his pipe out , put it in his breast , slipped off his great wooden shoes , and lay down on his back on the heap of stones . he was fast asleep directly . as the road mender plied his dusty labour , and the hail clouds, , rolling away , revealed bright bars and streaks of sky which were responded to by silver gleams upon the landscape , the little man who wore a red cap now , in place of his blue one seemed fascinated by the figure on the heap of stones . his eyes were so often turned towards it , that he used his tools mechanically , and , one would have said , to very poor account . the bronze face , the shaggy black hair and beard , the coarse woollen red cap , the rough medley dress of home spun stuff and hairy skins of beasts , the powerful frame attenuated by spare living , and the sullen and desperate compression of the lips in sleep , inspired the mender of roads with awe . the traveller had travelled far , and his feet were footsore , and his ankles chafed and bleeding his great shoes , stuffed with leaves and grass , had been heavy to drag over the many long leagues , and his clothes were chafed into holes , as he himself was into sores . stooping down beside him , the road mender tried to get a peep at secret weapons in his breast or where not but , in vain , for he slept with his arms crossed upon him , and set as resolutely as his lips . fortified towns with their stockades , guard houses, , gates , trenches , and drawbridges , seemed to the mender of roads , to be so much air as against this figure . and when he lifted his eyes from it to the horizon and looked around , he saw in his small fancy similar figures , stopped by no obstacle , tending to centres all over france . the man slept on , indifferent to showers of hail and intervals of brightness , to sunshine on his face and shadow , to the paltering lumps of dull ice on his body and the diamonds into which the sun changed them , until the sun was low in the west , and the sky was glowing . then , the mender of roads having got his tools together and all things ready to go down into the village , roused him . good . said the sleeper , rising on his elbow . two leagues beyond the summit of the hill . about . about . good . the mender of roads went home , with the dust going on before him according to the set of the wind , and was soon at the fountain , squeezing himself in among the lean kine brought there to drink , and appearing even to whisper to them in his whispering to all the village . when the village had taken its poor supper , it did not creep to bed , as it usually did , but came out of doors again , and remained there . a curious contagion of whispering was upon it , and also , when it gathered together at the fountain in the dark , another curious contagion of looking expectantly at the sky in one direction only . monsieur gabelle , chief functionary of the place , became uneasy went out on his house top alone , and looked in that direction too glanced down from behind his chimneys at the darkening faces by the fountain below , and sent word to the sacristan who kept the keys of the church , that there might be need to ring the tocsin by and . the night deepened . the trees environing the old chateau , keeping its solitary state apart , moved in a rising wind , as though they threatened the pile of building massive and dark in the gloom . up the two terrace flights of steps the rain ran wildly , and beat at the great door , like a swift messenger rousing those within uneasy rushes of wind went through the hall , among the old spears and knives , and passed lamenting up the stairs , and shook the curtains of the bed where the last marquis had slept . east , west , north , and south , through the woods , four heavy treading, , unkempt figures crushed the high grass and cracked the branches , striding on cautiously to come together in the courtyard . four lights broke out there , and moved away in different directions , and all was black again . but , not for long . presently , the chateau began to make itself strangely visible by some light of its own , as though it were growing luminous . then , a flickering streak played behind the architecture of the front , picking out transparent places , and showing where balustrades , arches , and windows were . then it soared higher , and grew broader and brighter . soon , from a score of the great windows , flames burst forth , and the stone faces awakened , stared out of fire . a faint murmur arose about the house from the few people who were left there , and there was a saddling of a horse and riding away . there was spurring and splashing through the darkness , and bridle was drawn in the space by the village fountain , and the horse in a foam stood at monsieur gabelles door . help , gabelle . help , every one . the tocsin rang impatiently , but other help there was none . the mender of roads , and two hundred and fifty particular friends , stood with folded arms at the fountain , looking at the pillar of fire in the sky . it must be forty feet high , said they , grimly and never moved . the rider from the chateau , and the horse in a foam , clattered away through the village , and galloped up the stony steep , to the prison on the crag . at the gate , a group of officers were looking at the fire removed from them , a group of soldiers . help , gentlemen  . the chateau is on fire valuable objects may be saved from the flames by timely aid . help , . the officers looked towards the soldiers who looked at the fire gave no orders and answered , with shrugs and biting of lips , it must burn . as the rider rattled down the hill again and through the street , the village was illuminating . the mender of roads , and the two hundred and fifty particular friends , inspired as one man and woman by the idea of lighting up , had darted into their houses , and were putting candles in every dull little pane of glass . the general scarcity of everything , occasioned candles to be borrowed in a rather peremptory manner of monsieur gabelle and in a moment of reluctance and hesitation on that functionarys part , the mender of roads , once so submissive to authority , had remarked that carriages were good to make bonfires with , and that post horses would roast . the chateau was left to itself to flame and burn . in the roaring and raging of the conflagration , a red hot wind , driving straight from the infernal regions , seemed to be blowing the edifice away . with the rising and falling of the blaze , the stone faces showed as if they were in torment . when great masses of stone and timber fell , the face with the two dints in the nose became obscured anon struggled out of the smoke again , as if it were the face of the cruel marquis , burning at the stake and contending with the fire . the chateau burned the nearest trees , laid hold of by the fire , scorched and shrivelled trees at a distance , fired by the four fierce figures , begirt the blazing edifice with a new forest of smoke . molten lead and iron boiled in the marble basin of the fountain the water ran dry the extinguisher tops of the towers vanished like ice before the heat , and trickled down into four rugged wells of flame . great rents and splits branched out in the solid walls , like crystallisation stupefied birds wheeled about and dropped into the furnace four fierce figures trudged away , east , west , north , and south , along the night enshrouded roads , guided by the beacon they had lighted , towards their next destination . the illuminated village had seized hold of the tocsin , and , abolishing the lawful ringer , rang for joy . not only that but the village , light headed with famine , fire , and bell ringing, , and bethinking itself that monsieur gabelle had to do with the collection of rent and taxes  it was but a small instalment of taxes , and no rent at all , that gabelle had got in those latter days  impatient for an interview with him , and , surrounding his house , summoned him to come forth for personal conference . whereupon , monsieur gabelle did heavily bar his door , and retire to hold counsel with himself . the result of that conference was , that gabelle again withdrew himself to his housetop behind his stack of chimneys this time resolved , if his door were broken in he was a small southern man of retaliative temperament , to pitch himself head foremost over the parapet , and crush a man or two below . probably , monsieur gabelle passed a long night up there , with the distant chateau for fire and candle , and the beating at his door , combined with the joy ringing, , for music not to mention his having an ill omened lamp slung across the road before his posting house gate , which the village showed a lively inclination to displace in his favour . a trying suspense , to be passing a whole summer night on the brink of the black ocean , ready to take that plunge into it upon which monsieur gabelle had resolved . but , the friendly dawn appearing at last , and the rush candles of the village guttering out , the people happily dispersed , and monsieur gabelle came down bringing his life with him for that while . within a hundred miles , and in the light of other fires , there were other functionaries less fortunate , that night and other nights , whom the rising sun found hanging across once peaceful streets , where they had been born and bred also , there were other villagers and townspeople less fortunate than the mender of roads and his fellows , upon whom the functionaries and soldiery turned with success , and whom they strung up in their turn . but , the fierce figures were steadily wending east , west , north , and south , be that as it would and whosoever hung , fire burned . the altitude of the gallows that would turn to water and quench it , no functionary , by any stretch of mathematics , was able to calculate successfully . xxiv . drawn to the loadstone rock in such risings of fire and risings of sea  firm earth shaken by the rushes of an angry ocean which had now no ebb , but was always on the flow , higher and higher , to the terror and wonder of the beholders on the shore  years of tempest were consumed . three more birthdays of little lucie had been woven by the golden thread into the peaceful tissue of the life of her home . many a night and many a day had its inmates listened to the echoes in the corner , with hearts that failed them when they heard the thronging feet . for , the footsteps had become to their minds as the footsteps of a people , tumultuous under a red flag and with their country declared in danger , changed into wild beasts , by terrible enchantment long persisted in . monseigneur , as a class , had dissociated himself from the phenomenon of his not being appreciated of his being so little wanted in france , as to incur considerable danger of receiving his dismissal from it , and this life together . like the fabled rustic who raised the devil with infinite pains , and was so terrified at the sight of him that he could ask the enemy no question , but immediately fled so , monseigneur , after boldly reading the lords prayer backwards for a great number of years , and performing many other potent spells for compelling the evil one , no sooner beheld him in his terrors than he took to his noble heels . the shining bulls eye of the court was gone , or it would have been the mark for a hurricane of national bullets . it had never been a good eye to see with  long had the mote in it of lucifers pride , sardanapaluss luxury , and a moles blindness  it had dropped out and was gone . the court , from that exclusive inner circle to its outermost rotten ring of intrigue , corruption , and dissimulation , was all gone together . royalty was gone had been besieged in its palace and suspended , when the last tidings came over . the august of the year one thousand seven hundred and ninety two was come , and monseigneur was by this time scattered far and wide . as was natural , the head quarters and great gathering place of monseigneur , in london , was tellsons bank . spirits are supposed to haunt the places where their bodies most resorted , and monseigneur without a guinea haunted the spot where his guineas used to be . moreover , it was the spot to which such french intelligence as was most to be relied upon , came quickest . again tellsons was a munificent house , and extended great liberality to old customers who had fallen from their high estate . again those nobles who had seen the coming storm in time , and anticipating plunder or confiscation , had made provident remittances to tellsons , were always to be heard of there by their needy brethren . to which it must be added that every new comer from france reported himself and his tidings at tellsons , almost as a matter of course . for such variety of reasons , tellsons was at that time , as to french intelligence , a kind of high exchange and this was so well known to the public , and the inquiries made there were in consequence so numerous , that tellsons sometimes wrote the latest news out in a line or so and posted it in the bank windows , for all who ran through temple bar to read . on a steaming , misty afternoon , mr . lorry sat at his desk , and charles darnay stood leaning on it , talking with him in a low voice . the penitential den once set apart for interviews with the house , was now the news exchange, , and was filled to overflowing . it was within half an hour or so of the time of closing . but , although you are the youngest man that ever lived , said charles darnay , rather hesitating , i must still suggest to you  i understand . that i am too old . said mr . lorry . unsettled weather , a long journey , uncertain means of travelling , a disorganised country , a city that may not be even safe for you . my dear charles , said mr . lorry , with cheerful confidence , you touch some of the reasons for my going not for my staying away . it is safe enough for me nobody will care to interfere with an old fellow of hard upon fourscore when there are so many people there much better worth interfering with . as to its being a disorganised city , if it were not a disorganised city there would be no occasion to send somebody from our house here to our house there , who knows the city and the business , of old , and is in tellsons confidence . as to the uncertain travelling , the long journey , and the winter weather , if i were not prepared to submit myself to a few inconveniences for the sake of tellsons , after all these years , who ought to be . i wish i were going myself , said charles darnay , somewhat restlessly , and like one thinking aloud . indeed . you are a pretty fellow to object and advise . exclaimed mr . lorry . you wish you were going yourself . and you a frenchman born . you are a wise counsellor . my dear mr . lorry , it is because i am a frenchman born , that the thought has passed through my mind often . one cannot help thinking , having had some sympathy for the miserable people , and having abandoned something to them , he spoke here in his former thoughtful manner , that one might be listened to , and might have the power to persuade to some restraint . only last night , after you had left us , when i was talking to lucie  when you were talking to lucie , mr . lorry repeated . yes . i wonder you are not ashamed to mention the name of lucie . wishing you were going to france at this time of day . however , i am not going , said charles darnay , with a smile . it is more to the purpose that you say you are . and i am , in plain reality . the truth is , my dear charles , mr . lorry glanced at the distant house , and lowered his voice , you can have no conception of the difficulty with which our business is transacted , and of the peril in which our books and papers over yonder are involved . the lord above knows what the compromising consequences would be to numbers of people , if some of our documents were seized or destroyed and they might be , at any time , you know , for who can say that paris is not set afire to day, , or sacked to morrow . now , a judicious selection from these with the least possible delay , and the burying of them , or otherwise getting of them out of harms way , is within the power without loss of precious time of scarcely any one but myself , if any one . and shall i hang back , when tellsons knows this and says this  , whose bread i have eaten these sixty years  i am a little stiff about the joints . why , i am a boy , sir , to half a dozen old codgers here . how i admire the gallantry of your youthful spirit , mr . lorry . tut . nonsense , sir . my dear charles , said mr . lorry , glancing at the house again , you are to remember , that getting things out of paris at this present time , no matter what things , is next to an impossibility . papers and precious matters were this very day brought to us here i speak in strict confidence it is not business like to whisper it , even to you , by the strangest bearers you can imagine , every one of whom had his head hanging on by a single hair as he passed the barriers . at another time , our parcels would come and go , as easily as in business like old england but now , everything is stopped . and do you really go to night . i really go to night, , for the case has become too pressing to admit of delay . and do you take no one with you . all sorts of people have been proposed to me , but i will have nothing to say to any of them . i intend to take jerry . jerry has been my bodyguard on sunday nights for a long time past and i am used to him . nobody will suspect jerry of being anything but an english bull dog, , or of having any design in his head but to fly at anybody who touches his master . i must say again that i heartily admire your gallantry and youthfulness . i must say again , nonsense , . when i have executed this little commission , i shall , perhaps , accept tellsons proposal to retire and live at my ease . time enough , then , to think about growing old . this dialogue had taken place at mr . lorrys usual desk , with monseigneur swarming within a yard or two of it , boastful of what he would do to avenge himself on the rascal people before long . it was too much the way of monseigneur under his reverses as a refugee , and it was much too much the way of native british orthodoxy , to talk of this terrible revolution as if it were the only harvest ever known under the skies that had not been sown  if nothing had ever been done , or omitted to be done , that had led to it  if observers of the wretched millions in france , and of the misused and perverted resources that should have made them prosperous , had not seen it inevitably coming , years before , and had not in plain words recorded what they saw . such vapouring , combined with the extravagant plots of monseigneur for the restoration of a state of things that had utterly exhausted itself , and worn out heaven and earth as well as itself , was hard to be endured without some remonstrance by any sane man who knew the truth . and it was such vapouring all about his ears , like a troublesome confusion of blood in his own head , added to a latent uneasiness in his mind , which had already made charles darnay restless , and which still kept him so . among the talkers , was stryver , of the kings bench bar , far on his way to state promotion , and , therefore , loud on the theme broaching to monseigneur , his devices for blowing the people up and exterminating them from the face of the earth , and doing without them and for accomplishing many similar objects akin in their nature to the abolition of eagles by sprinkling salt on the tails of the race . him , darnay heard with a particular feeling of objection and darnay stood divided between going away that he might hear no more , and remaining to interpose his word , when the thing that was to be , went on to shape itself out . the house approached mr . lorry , and laying a soiled and unopened letter before him , asked if he had yet discovered any traces of the person to whom it was addressed . the house laid the letter down so close to darnay that he saw the direction  more quickly because it was his own right name . the address , turned into english , ran very pressing . to monsieur heretofore the marquis st . evremonde , of france . confided to the cares of messrs . tellson and co . bankers , london , england . on the marriage morning , doctor manette had made it his one urgent and express request to charles darnay , that the secret of this name should be  he , the doctor , dissolved the obligation  inviolate between them . nobody else knew it to be his name his own wife had no suspicion of the fact mr . lorry could have none . no , said mr . lorry , in reply to the house i have referred it , i think , to everybody now here , and no one can tell me where this gentleman is to be found . the hands of the clock verging upon the hour of closing the bank , there was a general set of the current of talkers past mr . lorrys desk . he held the letter out inquiringly and monseigneur looked at it , in the person of this plotting and indignant refugee and monseigneur looked at it in the person of that plotting and indignant refugee and this , that , and the other , all had something disparaging to say , in french or in english , concerning the marquis who was not to be found . nephew , i believe  in any case degenerate successor  the polished marquis who was murdered , said one . happy to say , i never knew him . a craven who abandoned his post , said another  monseigneur had been got out of paris , legs uppermost and half suffocated , in a load of hay  years ago . infected with the new doctrines , said a third , eyeing the direction through his glass in passing set himself in opposition to the last marquis , abandoned the estates when he inherited them , and left them to the ruffian herd . they will recompense him now , i hope , as he deserves . hey . cried the blatant stryver . did he though . is that the sort of fellow . let us look at his infamous name . d  the fellow . darnay , unable to restrain himself any longer , touched mr . stryver on the shoulder , and said i know the fellow . do you , by jupiter . said stryver . i am sorry for it . why . why , mr . darnay . dye hear what he did . dont ask , why , in these times . but i do ask why . then i tell you again , mr . darnay , i am sorry for it . i am sorry to hear you putting any such extraordinary questions . here is a fellow , who , infected by the most pestilent and blasphemous code of devilry that ever was known , abandoned his property to the vilest scum of the earth that ever did murder by wholesale , and you ask me why i am sorry that a man who instructs youth knows him . well , but ill answer you . i am sorry because i believe there is contamination in such a scoundrel . thats why . mindful of the secret , darnay with great difficulty checked himself , and said you may not understand the gentleman . i understand how to put you in a corner , mr . darnay , said bully stryver , and ill do it . if this fellow is a gentleman , i dont understand him . you may tell him so , with my compliments . you may also tell him , from me , that after abandoning his worldly goods and position to this butcherly mob , i wonder he is not at the head of them . but , no , gentlemen , said stryver , looking all round , and snapping his fingers , i know something of human nature , and i tell you that youll never find a fellow like this fellow , trusting himself to the mercies of such precious protgs . no , gentlemen hell always show em a clean pair of heels very early in the scuffle , and sneak away . with those words , and a final snap of his fingers , mr . stryver shouldered himself into fleet street, , amidst the general approbation of his hearers . mr . lorry and charles darnay were left alone at the desk , in the general departure from the bank . will you take charge of the letter . said mr . lorry . you know where to deliver it . i do . will you undertake to explain , that we suppose it to have been addressed here , on the chance of our knowing where to forward it , and that it has been here some time . i will do so . do you start for paris from here . from here , at eight . i will come back , to see you off . very ill at ease with himself , and with stryver and most other men , darnay made the best of his way into the quiet of the temple , opened the letter , and read it . these were its contents prison of the abbaye , paris . june . monsieur heretofore the marquis . after having long been in danger of my life at the hands of the village , i have been seized , with great violence and indignity , and brought a long journey on foot to paris . on the road i have suffered a great deal . nor is that all my house has been destroyed  to the ground . the crime for which i am imprisoned , monsieur heretofore the marquis , and for which i shall be summoned before the tribunal , and shall lose my life is , they tell me , treason against the majesty of the people , in that i have acted against them for an emigrant . it is in vain i represent that i have acted for them , and not against , according to your commands . it is in vain i represent that , before the sequestration of emigrant property , i had remitted the imposts they had ceased to pay that i had collected no rent that i had recourse to no process . the only response is , that i have acted for an emigrant , and where is that emigrant . ah . most gracious monsieur heretofore the marquis , where is that emigrant . i cry in my sleep where is he . i demand of heaven , will he not come to deliver me . no answer . ah monsieur heretofore the marquis , i send my desolate cry across the sea , hoping it may perhaps reach your ears through the great bank of tilson known at paris . for the love of heaven , of justice , of generosity , of the honour of your noble name , i supplicate you , monsieur heretofore the marquis , to succour and release me . my fault is , that i have been true to you . oh monsieur heretofore the marquis , i pray you be you true to me . from this prison here of horror , whence i every hour tend nearer and nearer to destruction , i send you , monsieur heretofore the marquis , the assurance of my dolorous and unhappy service . your afflicted , gabelle . the latent uneasiness in darnays mind was roused to vigourous life by this letter . the peril of an old servant and a good one , whose only crime was fidelity to himself and his family , stared him so reproachfully in the face , that , as he walked to and fro in the temple considering what to do , he almost hid his face from the passersby . he knew very well , that in his horror of the deed which had culminated the bad deeds and bad reputation of the old family house , in his resentful suspicions of his uncle , and in the aversion with which his conscience regarded the crumbling fabric that he was supposed to uphold , he had acted imperfectly . he knew very well , that in his love for lucie , his renunciation of his social place , though by no means new to his own mind , had been hurried and incomplete . he knew that he ought to have systematically worked it out and supervised it , and that he had meant to do it , and that it had never been done . the happiness of his own chosen english home , the necessity of being always actively employed , the swift changes and troubles of the time which had followed on one another so fast , that the events of this week annihilated the immature plans of last week , and the events of the week following made all new again he knew very well , that to the force of these circumstances he had yielded  without disquiet , but still without continuous and accumulating resistance . that he had watched the times for a time of action , and that they had shifted and struggled until the time had gone by , and the nobility were trooping from france by every highway and byway , and their property was in course of confiscation and destruction , and their very names were blotting out , was as well known to himself as it could be to any new authority in france that might impeach him for it . but , he had oppressed no man , he had imprisoned no man he was so far from having harshly exacted payment of his dues , that he had relinquished them of his own will , thrown himself on a world with no favour in it , won his own private place there , and earned his own bread . monsieur gabelle had held the impoverished and involved estate on written instructions , to spare the people , to give them what little there was to give  fuel as the heavy creditors would let them have in the winter , and such produce as could be saved from the same grip in the summer  no doubt he had put the fact in plea and proof , for his own safety , so that it could not but appear now . this favoured the desperate resolution charles darnay had begun to make , that he would go to paris . yes . like the mariner in the old story , the winds and streams had driven him within the influence of the loadstone rock , and it was drawing him to itself , and he must go . everything that arose before his mind drifted him on , faster and faster , more and more steadily , to the terrible attraction . his latent uneasiness had been , that bad aims were being worked out in his own unhappy land by bad instruments , and that he who could not fail to know that he was better than they , was not there , trying to do something to stay bloodshed , and assert the claims of mercy and humanity . with this uneasiness half stifled , and half reproaching him , he had been brought to the pointed comparison of himself with the brave old gentleman in whom duty was so strong upon that comparison had instantly followed the sneers of monseigneur , which had stung him bitterly , and those of stryver , which above all were coarse and galling , for old reasons . upon those , had followed gabelles letter the appeal of an innocent prisoner , in danger of death , to his justice , honour , and good name . his resolution was made . he must go to paris . yes . the loadstone rock was drawing him , and he must sail on , until he struck . he knew of no rock he saw hardly any danger . the intention with which he had done what he had done , even although he had left it incomplete , presented it before him in an aspect that would be gratefully acknowledged in france on his presenting himself to assert it . then , that glorious vision of doing good , which is so often the sanguine mirage of so many good minds , arose before him , and he even saw himself in the illusion with some influence to guide this raging revolution that was running so fearfully wild . as he walked to and fro with his resolution made , he considered that neither lucie nor her father must know of it until he was gone . lucie should be spared the pain of separation and her father , always reluctant to turn his thoughts towards the dangerous ground of old , should come to the knowledge of the step , as a step taken , and not in the balance of suspense and doubt . how much of the incompleteness of his situation was referable to her father , through the painful anxiety to avoid reviving old associations of france in his mind , he did not discuss with himself . but , that circumstance too , had its influence in his course . he walked to and fro , with thoughts very busy , until it was time to return to tellsons and take leave of mr . lorry . as soon as he arrived in paris he would present himself to this old friend , but he must say nothing of his intention now . a carriage with post horses was ready at the bank door , and jerry was booted and equipped . i have delivered that letter , said charles darnay to mr . lorry . i would not consent to your being charged with any written answer , but perhaps you will take a verbal one . that i will , and readily , said mr . lorry , if it is not dangerous . not at all . though it is to a prisoner in the abbaye . what is his name . said mr . lorry , with his open pocket book in his hand . gabelle . gabelle . and what is the message to the unfortunate gabelle in prison . simply , that he has received the letter , and will come . any time mentioned . he will start upon his journey to morrow night . any person mentioned . no . he helped mr . lorry to wrap himself in a number of coats and cloaks , and went out with him from the warm atmosphere of the old bank , into the misty air of fleet street . my love to lucie , and to little lucie , said mr . lorry at parting , and take precious care of them till i come back . charles darnay shook his head and doubtfully smiled , as the carriage rolled away . that night  was the fourteenth of august  sat up late , and wrote two fervent letters one was to lucie , explaining the strong obligation he was under to go to paris , and showing her , at length , the reasons that he had , for feeling confident that he could become involved in no personal danger there the other was to the doctor , confiding lucie and their dear child to his care , and dwelling on the same topics with the strongest assurances . to both , he wrote that he would despatch letters in proof of his safety , immediately after his arrival . it was a hard day , that day of being among them , with the first reservation of their joint lives on his mind . it was a hard matter to preserve the innocent deceit of which they were profoundly unsuspicious . but , an affectionate glance at his wife , so happy and busy , made him resolute not to tell her what impended he had been half moved to do it , so strange it was to him to act in anything without her quiet aid , and the day passed quickly . early in the evening he embraced her , and her scarcely less dear namesake , pretending that he would return by and an imaginary engagement took him out , and he had secreted a valise of clothes ready , and so he emerged into the heavy mist of the heavy streets , with a heavier heart . the unseen force was drawing him fast to itself , now , and all the tides and winds were setting straight and strong towards it . he left his two letters with a trusty porter , to be delivered half an hour before midnight , and no sooner took horse for dover and began his journey . for the love of heaven , of justice , of generosity , of the honour of your noble name . was the poor prisoners cry with which he strengthened his sinking heart , as he left all that was dear on earth behind him , and floated away for the loadstone rock . the end of the second book . book the third  track of a storm i . in secret the traveller fared slowly on his way , who fared towards paris from england in the autumn of the year one thousand seven hundred and ninety two . more than enough of bad roads , bad equipages , and bad horses , he would have encountered to delay him , though the fallen and unfortunate king of france had been upon his throne in all his glory but , the changed times were fraught with other obstacles than these . every town gate and village taxing house had its band of citizen patriots, , with their national muskets in a most explosive state of readiness , who stopped all comers and goers , cross questioned them , inspected their papers , looked for their names in lists of their own , turned them back , or sent them on , or stopped them and laid them in hold , as their capricious judgment or fancy deemed best for the dawning republic one and indivisible , of liberty , equality , fraternity , or death . a very few french leagues of his journey were accomplished , when charles darnay began to perceive that for him along these country roads there was no hope of return until he should have been declared a good citizen at paris . whatever might befall now , he must on to his journeys end . not a mean village closed upon him , not a common barrier dropped across the road behind him , but he knew it to be another iron door in the series that was barred between him and england . the universal watchfulness so encompassed him , that if he had been taken in a net , or were being forwarded to his destination in a cage , he could not have felt his freedom more completely gone . this universal watchfulness not only stopped him on the highway twenty times in a stage , but retarded his progress twenty times in a day , by riding after him and taking him back , riding before him and stopping him by anticipation , riding with him and keeping him in charge . he had been days upon his journey in france alone , when he went to bed tired out , in a little town on the high road , still a long way from paris . nothing but the production of the afflicted gabelles letter from his prison of the abbaye would have got him on so far . his difficulty at the guard house in this small place had been such , that he felt his journey to have come to a crisis . and he was , therefore , as little surprised as a man could be , to find himself awakened at the small inn to which he had been remitted until morning , in the middle of the night . awakened by a timid local functionary and three armed patriots in rough red caps and with pipes in their mouths , who sat down on the bed . emigrant , said the functionary , i am going to send you on to paris , under an escort . citizen , i desire nothing more than to get to paris , though i could dispense with the escort . silence . growled a red cap, , striking at the coverlet with the butt end of his musket . peace , aristocrat . it is as the good patriot says , observed the timid functionary . you are an aristocrat , and must have an escort  must pay for it . i have no choice , said charles darnay . choice . listen to him . cried the same scowling red cap . as if it was not a favour to be protected from the lamp iron . it is always as the good patriot says , observed the functionary . rise and dress yourself , emigrant . darnay complied , and was taken back to the guard house, , where other patriots in rough red caps were smoking , drinking , and sleeping , by a watch fire . here he paid a heavy price for his escort , and hence he started with it on the wet , roads at three oclock in the morning . the escort were two mounted patriots in red caps and tri coloured cockades , armed with national muskets and sabres , who rode one on either side of him . the escorted governed his own horse , but a loose line was attached to his bridle , the end of which one of the patriots kept girded round his wrist . in this state they set forth with the sharp rain driving in their faces clattering at a heavy dragoon trot over the uneven town pavement , and out upon the mire deep roads . in this state they traversed without change , except of horses and pace , all the mire deep leagues that lay between them and the capital . they travelled in the night , halting an hour or two after daybreak , and lying by until the twilight fell . the escort were so wretchedly clothed , that they twisted straw round their bare legs , and thatched their ragged shoulders to keep the wet off . apart from the personal discomfort of being so attended , and apart from such considerations of present danger as arose from one of the patriots being chronically drunk , and carrying his musket very recklessly , charles darnay did not allow the restraint that was laid upon him to awaken any serious fears in his breast for , he reasoned with himself that it could have no reference to the merits of an individual case that was not yet stated , and of representations , confirmable by the prisoner in the abbaye , that were not yet made . but when they came to the town of beauvais  they did at eventide , when the streets were filled with people  could not conceal from himself that the aspect of affairs was very alarming . an ominous crowd gathered to see him dismount of the posting yard, , and many voices called out loudly , down with the emigrant . he stopped in the act of swinging himself out of his saddle , and , resuming it as his safest place , said emigrant , my friends . do you not see me here , in france , of my own will . you are a cursed emigrant , cried a farrier , making at him in a furious manner through the press , hammer in hand and you are a cursed aristocrat . the postmaster interposed himself between this man and the riders bridle and soothingly said , let him be let him be . he will be judged at paris . judged . repeated the farrier , swinging his hammer . ay . and condemned as a traitor . at this the crowd roared approval . checking the postmaster , who was for turning his horses head to the yard the drunken patriot sat composedly in his saddle looking on , with the line round his wrist , darnay said , as soon as he could make his voice heard friends , you deceive yourselves , or you are deceived . i am not a traitor . he lies . cried the smith . he is a traitor since the decree . his life is forfeit to the people . his cursed life is not his own . at the instant when darnay saw a rush in the eyes of the crowd , which another instant would have brought upon him , the postmaster turned his horse into the yard , the escort rode in close upon his horses flanks , and the postmaster shut and barred the crazy double gates . the farrier struck a blow upon them with his hammer , and the crowd groaned but , no more was done . what is this decree that the smith spoke of . darnay asked the postmaster , when he had thanked him , and stood beside him in the yard . truly , a decree for selling the property of emigrants . when passed . on the fourteenth . the day i left england . everybody says it is but one of several , and that there will be others  there are not already  all emigrants , and condemning all to death who return . that is what he meant when he said your life was not your own . but there are no such decrees yet . what do i know . said the postmaster , shrugging his shoulders there may be , or there will be . it is all the same . what would you have . they rested on some straw in a loft until the middle of the night , and then rode forward again when all the town was asleep . among the many wild changes observable on familiar things which made this wild ride unreal , not the least was the seeming rarity of sleep . after long and lonely spurring over dreary roads , they would come to a cluster of poor cottages , not steeped in darkness , but all glittering with lights , and would find the people , in a ghostly manner in the dead of the night , circling hand in hand round a shrivelled tree of liberty , or all drawn up together singing a liberty song . happily , however , there was sleep in beauvais that night to help them out of it and they passed on once more into solitude and loneliness jingling through the untimely cold and wet , among impoverished fields that had yielded no fruits of the earth that year , diversified by the blackened remains of burnt houses , and by the sudden emergence from ambuscade , and sharp reining up across their way , of patriot patrols on the watch on all the roads . daylight at last found them before the wall of paris . the barrier was closed and strongly guarded when they rode up to it . where are the papers of this prisoner . demanded a resolute looking man in authority , who was summoned out by the guard . naturally struck by the disagreeable word , charles darnay requested the speaker to take notice that he was a free traveller and french citizen , in charge of an escort which the disturbed state of the country had imposed upon him , and which he had paid for . where , repeated the same personage , without taking any heed of him whatever , are the papers of this prisoner . the drunken patriot had them in his cap , and produced them . casting his eyes over gabelles letter , the same personage in authority showed some disorder and surprise , and looked at darnay with a close attention . he left escort and escorted without saying a word , however , and went into the guard room meanwhile , they sat upon their horses outside the gate . looking about him while in this state of suspense , charles darnay observed that the gate was held by a mixed guard of soldiers and patriots , the latter far outnumbering the former and that while ingress into the city for peasants carts bringing in supplies , and for similar traffic and traffickers , was easy enough , egress , even for the homeliest people , was very difficult . a numerous medley of men and women , not to mention beasts and vehicles of various sorts , was waiting to issue forth but , the previous identification was so strict , that they filtered through the barrier very slowly . some of these people knew their turn for examination to be so far off , that they lay down on the ground to sleep or smoke , while others talked together , or loitered about . the red cap and tri colour cockade were universal , both among men and women . when he had sat in his saddle some half hour, , taking note of these things , darnay found himself confronted by the same man in authority , who directed the guard to open the barrier . then he delivered to the escort , drunk and sober , a receipt for the escorted , and requested him to dismount . he did so , and the two patriots , leading his tired horse , turned and rode away without entering the city . he accompanied his conductor into a guard room, , smelling of common wine and tobacco , where certain soldiers and patriots , asleep and awake , drunk and sober , and in various neutral states between sleeping and waking , drunkenness and sobriety , were standing and lying about . the light in the guard house, , half derived from the waning oil lamps of the night , and half from the overcast day , was in a correspondingly uncertain condition . some registers were lying open on a desk , and an officer of a coarse , dark aspect , presided over these . citizen defarge , said he to darnays conductor , as he took a slip of paper to write on . is this the emigrant evremonde . this is the man . your age , evremonde . thirty seven . married , evremonde . yes . where married . in england . without doubt . where is your wife , evremonde . in england . without doubt . you are consigned , evremonde , to the prison of la force . just heaven . exclaimed darnay . under what law , and for what offence . the officer looked up from his slip of paper for a moment . we have new laws , evremonde , and new offences , since you were here . he said it with a hard smile , and went on writing . i entreat you to observe that i have come here voluntarily , in response to that written appeal of a fellow countryman which lies before you . i demand no more than the opportunity to do so without delay . is not that my right . emigrants have no rights , evremonde , was the stolid reply . the officer wrote until he had finished , read over to himself what he had written , sanded it , and handed it to defarge , with the words in secret . defarge motioned with the paper to the prisoner that he must accompany him . the prisoner obeyed , and a guard of two armed patriots attended them . is it you , said defarge , in a low voice , as they went down the guardhouse steps and turned into paris , who married the daughter of doctor manette , once a prisoner in the bastille that is no more . yes , replied darnay , looking at him with surprise . my name is defarge , and i keep a wine shop in the quarter saint antoine . possibly you have heard of me . my wife came to your house to reclaim her father . yes . the word wife seemed to serve as a gloomy reminder to defarge , to say with sudden impatience , in the name of that sharp female newly born, , and called la guillotine , why did you come to france . you heard me say why , a minute ago . do you not believe it is the truth . a bad truth for you , said defarge , speaking with knitted brows , and looking straight before him . indeed i am lost here . all here is so unprecedented , so changed , so sudden and unfair , that i am absolutely lost . will you render me a little help . none . defarge spoke , always looking straight before him . will you answer me a single question . perhaps . according to its nature . you can say what it is . in this prison that i am going to so unjustly , shall i have some free communication with the world outside . you will see . i am not to be buried there , prejudged , and without any means of presenting my case . you will see . but , what then . other people have been similarly buried in worse prisons , before now . but never by me , citizen defarge . defarge glanced darkly at him for answer , and walked on in a steady and set silence . the deeper he sank into this silence , the fainter hope there was  so darnay thought  his softening in any slight degree . he , therefore , made haste to say it is of the utmost importance to me you know , citizen , even better than i , of how much importance , that i should be able to communicate to mr . lorry of tellsons bank , an english gentleman who is now in paris , the simple fact , without comment , that i have been thrown into the prison of la force . will you cause that to be done for me . i will do , defarge doggedly rejoined , nothing for you . my duty is to my country and the people . i am the sworn servant of both , against you . i will do nothing for you . charles darnay felt it hopeless to entreat him further , and his pride was touched besides . as they walked on in silence , he could not but see how used the people were to the spectacle of prisoners passing along the streets . the very children scarcely noticed him . a few passers turned their heads , and a few shook their fingers at him as an aristocrat otherwise , that a man in good clothes should be going to prison , was no more remarkable than that a labourer in working clothes should be going to work . in one narrow , dark , and dirty street through which they passed , an excited orator , mounted on a stool , was addressing an excited audience on the crimes against the people , of the king and the royal family . the few words that he caught from this mans lips , first made it known to charles darnay that the king was in prison , and that the foreign ambassadors had one and all left paris . on the road except at beauvais he had heard absolutely nothing . the escort and the universal watchfulness had completely isolated him . that he had fallen among far greater dangers than those which had developed themselves when he left england , he of course knew now . that perils had thickened about him fast , and might thicken faster and faster yet , he of course knew now . he could not but admit to himself that he might not have made this journey , if he could have foreseen the events of a few days . and yet his misgivings were not so dark as , imagined by the light of this later time , they would appear . troubled as the future was , it was the unknown future , and in its obscurity there was ignorant hope . the horrible massacre , days and nights long , which , within a few rounds of the clock , was to set a great mark of blood upon the blessed garnering time of harvest , was as far out of his knowledge as if it had been a hundred thousand years away . the sharp female newly born, , and called la guillotine , was hardly known to him , or to the generality of people , by name . the frightful deeds that were to be soon done , were probably unimagined at that time in the brains of the doers . how could they have a place in the shadowy conceptions of a gentle mind . of unjust treatment in detention and hardship , and in cruel separation from his wife and child , he foreshadowed the likelihood , or the certainty but , beyond this , he dreaded nothing distinctly . with this on his mind , which was enough to carry into a dreary prison courtyard , he arrived at the prison of la force . a man with a bloated face opened the strong wicket , to whom defarge presented the emigrant evremonde . what the devil . how many more of them . exclaimed the man with the bloated face . defarge took his receipt without noticing the exclamation , and withdrew , with his two fellow patriots . what the devil , i say again . exclaimed the gaoler , left with his wife . how many more . the gaolers wife , being provided with no answer to the question , merely replied , one must have patience , my dear . three turnkeys who entered responsive to a bell she rang , echoed the sentiment , and one added , for the love of liberty which sounded in that place like an inappropriate conclusion . the prison of la force was a gloomy prison , dark and filthy , and with a horrible smell of foul sleep in it . extraordinary how soon the noisome flavour of imprisoned sleep , becomes manifest in all such places that are ill cared for . in secret , too , grumbled the gaoler , looking at the written paper . as if i was not already full to bursting . he stuck the paper on a file , in an ill humour, , and charles darnay awaited his further pleasure for half an hour sometimes , pacing to and fro in the strong arched room sometimes , resting on a stone seat in either case detained to be imprinted on the memory of the chief and his subordinates . come . said the chief , at length taking up his keys , come with me , emigrant . through the dismal prison twilight , his new charge accompanied him by corridor and staircase , many doors clanging and locking behind them , until they came into a large , low , vaulted chamber , crowded with prisoners of both sexes . the women were seated at a long table , reading and writing , knitting , sewing , and embroidering the men were for the most part standing behind their chairs , or lingering up and down the room . in the instinctive association of prisoners with shameful crime and disgrace , the new comer recoiled from this company . but the crowning unreality of his long unreal ride , was , their all at once rising to receive him , with every refinement of manner known to the time , and with all the engaging graces and courtesies of life . so strangely clouded were these refinements by the prison manners and gloom , so spectral did they become in the inappropriate squalor and misery through which they were seen , that charles darnay seemed to stand in a company of the dead . ghosts all . the ghost of beauty , the ghost of stateliness , the ghost of elegance , the ghost of pride , the ghost of frivolity , the ghost of wit , the ghost of youth , the ghost of age , all waiting their dismissal from the desolate shore , all turning on him eyes that were changed by the death they had died in coming there . it struck him motionless . the gaoler standing at his side , and the other gaolers moving about , who would have been well enough as to appearance in the ordinary exercise of their functions , looked so extravagantly coarse contrasted with sorrowing mothers and blooming daughters who were there  the apparitions of the coquette , the young beauty , and the mature woman delicately bred  the inversion of all experience and likelihood which the scene of shadows presented , was heightened to its utmost . surely , ghosts all . surely , the long unreal ride some progress of disease that had brought him to these gloomy shades . in the name of the assembled companions in misfortune , said a gentleman of courtly appearance and address , coming forward , i have the honour of giving you welcome to la force , and of condoling with you on the calamity that has brought you among us . may it soon terminate happily . it would be an impertinence elsewhere , but it is not so here , to ask your name and condition . charles darnay roused himself , and gave the required information , in words as suitable as he could find . but i hope , said the gentleman , following the chief gaoler with his eyes , who moved across the room , that you are not in secret . i do not understand the meaning of the term , but i have heard them say so . ah , what a pity . we so much regret it . but take courage several members of our society have been in secret , at first , and it has lasted but a short time . then he added , raising his voice , i grieve to inform the society  secret . there was a murmur of commiseration as charles darnay crossed the room to a grated door where the gaoler awaited him , and many voices  which , the soft and compassionate voices of women were conspicuous  him good wishes and encouragement . he turned at the grated door , to render the thanks of his heart it closed under the gaolers hand and the apparitions vanished from his sight forever . the wicket opened on a stone staircase , leading upward . when they had ascended forty steps the prisoner of half an hour already counted them , the gaoler opened a low black door , and they passed into a solitary cell . it struck cold and damp , but was not dark . yours , said the gaoler . why am i confined alone . how do i know . i can buy pen , ink , and paper . such are not my orders . you will be visited , and can ask then . at present , you may buy your food , and nothing more . there were in the cell , a chair , a table , and a straw mattress . as the gaoler made a general inspection of these objects , and of the four walls , before going out , a wandering fancy wandered through the mind of the prisoner leaning against the wall opposite to him , that this gaoler was so unwholesomely bloated , both in face and person , as to look like a man who had been drowned and filled with water . when the gaoler was gone , he thought in the same wandering way , now am i left , as if i were dead . stopping then , to look down at the mattress , he turned from it with a sick feeling , and thought , and here in these crawling creatures is the first condition of the body after death . five paces by four and a half , five paces by four and a half , five paces by four and a half . the prisoner walked to and fro in his cell , counting its measurement , and the roar of the city arose like muffled drums with a wild swell of voices added to them . he made shoes , he made shoes , he made shoes . the prisoner counted the measurement again , and paced faster , to draw his mind with him from that latter repetition . the ghosts that vanished when the wicket closed . there was one among them , the appearance of a lady dressed in black , who was leaning in the embrasure of a window , and she had a light shining upon her golden hair , and she looked like let us ride on again , for gods sake , through the illuminated villages with the people all awake . he made shoes , he made shoes , he made shoes . five paces by four and a half . with such scraps tossing and rolling upward from the depths of his mind , the prisoner walked faster and faster , obstinately counting and counting and the roar of the city changed to this extent  it still rolled in like muffled drums , but with the wail of voices that he knew , in the swell that rose above them . ii . the grindstone tellsons bank , established in the saint germain quarter of paris , was in a wing of a large house , approached by a courtyard and shut off from the street by a high wall and a strong gate . the house belonged to a great nobleman who had lived in it until he made a flight from the troubles , in his own cooks dress , and got across the borders . a mere beast of the chase flying from hunters , he was still in his metempsychosis no other than the same monseigneur , the preparation of whose chocolate for whose lips had once occupied three strong men besides the cook in question . monseigneur gone , and the three strong men absolving themselves from the sin of having drawn his high wages , by being more than ready and willing to cut his throat on the altar of the dawning republic one and indivisible of liberty , equality , fraternity , or death , monseigneurs house had been first sequestrated , and then confiscated . for , all things moved so fast , and decree followed decree with that fierce precipitation , that now upon the third night of the autumn month of september , patriot emissaries of the law were in possession of monseigneurs house , and had marked it with the tri colour, , and were drinking brandy in its state apartments . a place of business in london like tellsons place of business in paris , would soon have driven the house out of its mind and into the gazette . for , what would staid british responsibility and respectability have said to orange trees in boxes in a bank courtyard , and even to a cupid over the counter . yet such things were . tellsons had whitewashed the cupid , but he was still to be seen on the ceiling , in the coolest linen , aiming at money from morning to night . bankruptcy must inevitably have come of this young pagan , in lombard street, , london , and also of a curtained alcove in the rear of the immortal boy , and also of a looking glass let into the wall , and also of clerks not at all old , who danced in public on the slightest provocation . yet , a french tellsons could get on with these things exceedingly well , and , as long as the times held together , no man had taken fright at them , and drawn out his money . what money would be drawn out of tellsons henceforth , and what would lie there , lost and forgotten what plate and jewels would tarnish in tellsons hiding places, , while the depositors rusted in prisons , and when they should have violently perished how many accounts with tellsons never to be balanced in this world , must be carried over into the next no man could have said , that night , any more than mr . jarvis lorry could , though he thought heavily of these questions . he sat by a newly lighted wood fire the blighted and unfruitful year was prematurely cold , and on his honest and courageous face there was a deeper shade than the pendent lamp could throw , or any object in the room distortedly reflect  shade of horror . he occupied rooms in the bank , in his fidelity to the house of which he had grown to be a part , like strong root ivy . it chanced that they derived a kind of security from the patriotic occupation of the main building , but the true hearted old gentleman never calculated about that . all such circumstances were indifferent to him , so that he did his duty . on the opposite side of the courtyard , under a colonnade , was extensive standing  carriages  , indeed , some carriages of monseigneur yet stood . against two of the pillars were fastened two great flaring flambeaux , and in the light of these , standing out in the open air , was a large grindstone a roughly mounted thing which appeared to have hurriedly been brought there from some neighbouring smithy , or other workshop . rising and looking out of window at these harmless objects , mr . lorry shivered , and retired to his seat by the fire . he had opened , not only the glass window , but the lattice blind outside it , and he had closed both again , and he shivered through his frame . from the streets beyond the high wall and the strong gate , there came the usual night hum of the city , with now and then an indescribable ring in it , weird and unearthly , as if some unwonted sounds of a terrible nature were going up to heaven . thank god , said mr . lorry , clasping his hands , that no one near and dear to me is in this dreadful town to night . may he have mercy on all who are in danger . soon afterwards , the bell at the great gate sounded , and he thought , they have come back . and sat listening . but , there was no loud irruption into the courtyard , as he had expected , and he heard the gate clash again , and all was quiet . the nervousness and dread that were upon him inspired that vague uneasiness respecting the bank , which a great change would naturally awaken , with such feelings roused . it was well guarded , and he got up to go among the trusty people who were watching it , when his door suddenly opened , and two figures rushed in , at sight of which he fell back in amazement . lucie and her father . lucie with her arms stretched out to him , and with that old look of earnestness so concentrated and intensified , that it seemed as though it had been stamped upon her face expressly to give force and power to it in this one passage of her life . what is this . cried mr . lorry , breathless and confused . what is the matter . lucie . manette . what has happened . what has brought you here . what is it . with the look fixed upon him , in her paleness and wildness , she panted out in his arms , imploringly , o my dear friend . my husband . your husband , lucie . charles . what of charles . here . here , in paris . has been here some days  or four  dont know how many  cant collect my thoughts . an errand of generosity brought him here unknown to us he was stopped at the barrier , and sent to prison . the old man uttered an irrepressible cry . almost at the same moment , the bell of the great gate rang again , and a loud noise of feet and voices came pouring into the courtyard . what is that noise . said the doctor , turning towards the window . dont look . cried mr . lorry . dont look out . manette , for your life , dont touch the blind . the doctor turned , with his hand upon the fastening of the window , and said , with a cool , bold smile my dear friend , i have a charmed life in this city . i have been a bastille prisoner . there is no patriot in paris  . in france  , knowing me to have been a prisoner in the bastille , would touch me , except to overwhelm me with embraces , or carry me in triumph . my old pain has given me a power that has brought us through the barrier , and gained us news of charles there , and brought us here . i knew it would be so i knew i could help charles out of all danger i told lucie so . is that noise . his hand was again upon the window . dont look . cried mr . lorry , absolutely desperate . no , lucie , my dear , nor you . he got his arm round her , and held her . dont be so terrified , my love . i solemnly swear to you that i know of no harm having happened to charles that i had no suspicion even of his being in this fatal place . what prison is he in . la force . la force . lucie , my child , if ever you were brave and serviceable in your life  you were always both  will compose yourself now , to do exactly as i bid you for more depends upon it than you can think , or i can say . there is no help for you in any action on your part to night you cannot possibly stir out . i say this , because what i must bid you to do for charless sake , is the hardest thing to do of all . you must instantly be obedient , still , and quiet . you must let me put you in a room at the back here . you must leave your father and me alone for two minutes , and as there are life and death in the world you must not delay . i will be submissive to you . i see in your face that you know i can do nothing else than this . i know you are true . the old man kissed her , and hurried her into his room , and turned the key then , came hurrying back to the doctor , and opened the window and partly opened the blind , and put his hand upon the doctors arm , and looked out with him into the courtyard . looked out upon a throng of men and women not enough in number , or near enough , to fill the courtyard not more than forty or fifty in all . the people in possession of the house had let them in at the gate , and they had rushed in to work at the grindstone it had evidently been set up there for their purpose , as in a convenient and retired spot . but , such awful workers , and such awful work . the grindstone had a double handle , and , turning at it madly were two men , whose faces , as their long hair flapped back when the whirlings of the grindstone brought their faces up , were more horrible and cruel than the visages of the wildest savages in their most barbarous disguise . false eyebrows and false moustaches were stuck upon them , and their hideous countenances were all bloody and sweaty , and all awry with howling , and all staring and glaring with beastly excitement and want of sleep . as these ruffians turned and turned , their matted locks now flung forward over their eyes , now flung backward over their necks , some women held wine to their mouths that they might drink and what with dropping blood , and what with dropping wine , and what with the stream of sparks struck out of the stone , all their wicked atmosphere seemed gore and fire . the eye could not detect one creature in the group free from the smear of blood . shouldering one another to get next at the sharpening stone, , were men stripped to the waist , with the stain all over their limbs and bodies men in all sorts of rags , with the stain upon those rags men devilishly set off with spoils of womens lace and silk and ribbon , with the stain dyeing those trifles through and through . hatchets , knives , bayonets , swords , all brought to be sharpened , were all red with it . some of the hacked swords were tied to the wrists of those who carried them , with strips of linen and fragments of dress ligatures various in kind , but all deep of the one colour . and as the frantic wielders of these weapons snatched them from the stream of sparks and tore away into the streets , the same red hue was red in their frenzied eyes  which any unbrutalised beholder would have given twenty years of life , to petrify with a well directed gun . all this was seen in a moment , as the vision of a drowning man , or of any human creature at any very great pass , could see a world if it were there . they drew back from the window , and the doctor looked for explanation in his friends ashy face . they are , mr . lorry whispered the words , glancing fearfully round at the locked room , murdering the prisoners . if you are sure of what you say if you really have the power you think you have  i believe you have  yourself known to these devils , and get taken to la force . it may be too late , i dont know , but let it not be a minute later . doctor manette pressed his hand , hastened bareheaded out of the room , and was in the courtyard when mr . lorry regained the blind . his streaming white hair , his remarkable face , and the impetuous confidence of his manner , as he put the weapons aside like water , carried him in an instant to the heart of the concourse at the stone . for a few moments there was a pause , and a hurry , and a murmur , and the unintelligible sound of his voice and then mr . lorry saw him , surrounded by all , and in the midst of a line of twenty men long , all linked shoulder to shoulder , and hand to shoulder , hurried out with cries of  the bastille prisoner . help for the bastille prisoners kindred in la force . room for the bastille prisoner in front there . save the prisoner evremonde at la force . and a thousand answering shouts . he closed the lattice again with a fluttering heart , closed the window and the curtain , hastened to lucie , and told her that her father was assisted by the people , and gone in search of her husband . he found her child and miss pross with her but , it never occurred to him to be surprised by their appearance until a long time afterwards , when he sat watching them in such quiet as the night knew . lucie had , by that time , fallen into a stupor on the floor at his feet , clinging to his hand . miss pross had laid the child down on his own bed , and her head had gradually fallen on the pillow beside her pretty charge . o the long , night , with the moans of the poor wife . and o the long , night , with no return of her father and no tidings . twice more in the darkness the bell at the great gate sounded , and the irruption was repeated , and the grindstone whirled and spluttered . what is it . cried lucie , affrighted . hush . the soldiers swords are sharpened there , said mr . lorry . the place is national property now , and used as a kind of armoury , my love . twice more in all but , the last spell of work was feeble and fitful . soon afterwards the day began to dawn , and he softly detached himself from the clasping hand , and cautiously looked out again . a man , so besmeared that he might have been a sorely wounded soldier creeping back to consciousness on a field of slain , was rising from the pavement by the side of the grindstone , and looking about him with a vacant air . shortly , this worn out murderer descried in the imperfect light one of the carriages of monseigneur , and , staggering to that gorgeous vehicle , climbed in at the door , and shut himself up to take his rest on its dainty cushions . the great grindstone , earth , had turned when mr . lorry looked out again , and the sun was red on the courtyard . but , the lesser grindstone stood alone there in the calm morning air , with a red upon it that the sun had never given , and would never take away . iii . the shadow one of the first considerations which arose in the business mind of mr . lorry when business hours came round , was this  he had no right to imperil tellsons by sheltering the wife of an emigrant prisoner under the bank roof . his own possessions , safety , life , he would have hazarded for lucie and her child , without a moments demur but the great trust he held was not his own , and as to that business charge he was a strict man of business . at first , his mind reverted to defarge , and he thought of finding out the wine shop again and taking counsel with its master in reference to the safest dwelling place in the distracted state of the city . but , the same consideration that suggested him , repudiated him he lived in the most violent quarter , and doubtless was influential there , and deep in its dangerous workings . noon coming , and the doctor not returning , and every minutes delay tending to compromise tellsons , mr . lorry advised with lucie . she said that her father had spoken of hiring a lodging for a short term , in that quarter , near the banking house . as there was no business objection to this , and as he foresaw that even if it were all well with charles , and he were to be released , he could not hope to leave the city , mr . lorry went out in quest of such a lodging , and found a suitable one , high up in a removed by street where the closed blinds in all the other windows of a high melancholy square of buildings marked deserted homes . to this lodging he at once removed lucie and her child , and miss pross giving them what comfort he could , and much more than he had himself . he left jerry with them , as a figure to fill a doorway that would bear considerable knocking on the head , and returned to his own occupations . a disturbed and doleful mind he brought to bear upon them , and slowly and heavily the day lagged on with him . it wore itself out , and wore him out with it , until the bank closed . he was again alone in his room of the previous night , considering what to do next , when he heard a foot upon the stair . in a few moments , a man stood in his presence , who , with a keenly observant look at him , addressed him by his name . your servant , said mr . lorry . do you know me . he was a strongly made man with dark curling hair , from forty five to fifty years of age . for answer he repeated , without any change of emphasis , the words do you know me . i have seen you somewhere . perhaps at my wine shop . much interested and agitated , mr . lorry said you come from doctor manette . yes . i come from doctor manette . and what says he . what does he send me . defarge gave into his anxious hand , an open scrap of paper . it bore the words in the doctors writing charles is safe , but i cannot safely leave this place yet . i have obtained the favour that the bearer has a short note from charles to his wife . let the bearer see his wife . it was dated from la force , within an hour . will you accompany me , said mr . lorry , joyfully relieved after reading this note aloud , to where his wife resides . yes , returned defarge . scarcely noticing as yet , in what a curiously reserved and mechanical way defarge spoke , mr . lorry put on his hat and they went down into the courtyard . there , they found two women one , knitting . madame defarge , surely . said mr . lorry , who had left her in exactly the same attitude some seventeen years ago . it is she , observed her husband . does madame go with us . inquired mr . lorry , seeing that she moved as they moved . yes . that she may be able to recognise the faces and know the persons . it is for their safety . beginning to be struck by defarges manner , mr . lorry looked dubiously at him , and led the way . both the women followed the second woman being the vengeance . they passed through the intervening streets as quickly as they might , ascended the staircase of the new domicile , were admitted by jerry , and found lucie weeping , alone . she was thrown into a transport by the tidings mr . lorry gave her of her husband , and clasped the hand that delivered his note  thinking what it had been doing near him in the night , and might , but for a chance , have done to him . dearest  , courage . i am well , and your father has influence around me . you cannot answer this . kiss our child for me . that was all the writing . it was so much , however , to her who received it , that she turned from defarge to his wife , and kissed one of the hands that knitted . it was a passionate , loving , thankful , womanly action , but the hand made no response  cold and heavy , and took to its knitting again . there was something in its touch that gave lucie a check . she stopped in the act of putting the note in her bosom , and , with her hands yet at her neck , looked terrified at madame defarge . madame defarge met the lifted eyebrows and forehead with a cold , impassive stare . my dear , said mr . lorry , striking in to explain there are frequent risings in the streets and , although it is not likely they will ever trouble you , madame defarge wishes to see those whom she has the power to protect at such times , to the end that she may know them  she may identify them . i believe , said mr . lorry , rather halting in his reassuring words , as the stony manner of all the three impressed itself upon him more and more , i state the case , citizen defarge . defarge looked gloomily at his wife , and gave no other answer than a gruff sound of acquiescence . you had better , lucie , said mr . lorry , doing all he could to propitiate , by tone and manner , have the dear child here , and our good pross . our good pross , defarge , is an english lady , and knows no french . the lady in question , whose rooted conviction that she was more than a match for any foreigner , was not to be shaken by distress and , danger , appeared with folded arms , and observed in english to the vengeance , whom her eyes first encountered , well , i am sure , boldface . i hope you are pretty well . she also bestowed a british cough on madame defarge but , neither of the two took much heed of her . is that his child . said madame defarge , stopping in her work for the first time , and pointing her knitting needle at little lucie as if it were the finger of fate . yes , madame , answered mr . lorry this is our poor prisoners darling daughter , and only child . the shadow attendant on madame defarge and her party seemed to fall so threatening and dark on the child , that her mother instinctively kneeled on the ground beside her , and held her to her breast . the shadow attendant on madame defarge and her party seemed then to fall , threatening and dark , on both the mother and the child . it is enough , my husband , said madame defarge . i have seen them . we may go . but , the suppressed manner had enough of menace in it  visible and presented , but indistinct and withheld  alarm lucie into saying , as she laid her appealing hand on madame defarges dress you will be good to my poor husband . you will do him no harm . you will help me to see him if you can . your husband is not my business here , returned madame defarge , looking down at her with perfect composure . it is the daughter of your father who is my business here . for my sake , then , be merciful to my husband . for my childs sake . she will put her hands together and pray you to be merciful . we are more afraid of you than of these others . madame defarge received it as a compliment , and looked at her husband . defarge , who had been uneasily biting his thumb nail and looking at her , collected his face into a sterner expression . what is it that your husband says in that little letter . asked madame defarge , with a lowering smile . influence he says something touching influence . that my father , said lucie , hurriedly taking the paper from her breast , but with her alarmed eyes on her questioner and not on it , has much influence around him . surely it will release him . said madame defarge . let it do so . as a wife and mother , cried lucie , most earnestly , i implore you to have pity on me and not to exercise any power that you possess , against my innocent husband , but to use it in his behalf . o sister woman, , think of me . as a wife and mother . madame defarge looked , coldly as ever , at the suppliant , and said , turning to her friend the vengeance the wives and mothers we have been used to see , since we were as little as this child , and much less , have not been greatly considered . we have known their husbands and fathers laid in prison and kept from them , often enough . all our lives , we have seen our sister women suffer , in themselves and in their children , poverty , nakedness , hunger , thirst , sickness , misery , oppression and neglect of all kinds . we have seen nothing else , returned the vengeance . we have borne this a long time , said madame defarge , turning her eyes again upon lucie . judge you . is it likely that the trouble of one wife and mother would be much to us now . she resumed her knitting and went out . the vengeance followed . defarge went last , and closed the door . courage , my dear lucie , said mr . lorry , as he raised her . courage , . so far all goes well with us  , much better than it has of late gone with many poor souls . cheer up , and have a thankful heart . i am not thankless , i hope , but that dreadful woman seems to throw a shadow on me and on all my hopes . tut , . said mr . lorry what is this despondency in the brave little breast . a shadow indeed . no substance in it , lucie . but the shadow of the manner of these defarges was dark upon himself , for all that , and in his secret mind it troubled him greatly . iv . calm in storm doctor manette did not return until the morning of the fourth day of his absence . so much of what had happened in that dreadful time as could be kept from the knowledge of lucie was so well concealed from her , that not until long afterwards , when france and she were far apart , did she know that eleven hundred defenceless prisoners of both sexes and all ages had been killed by the populace that four days and nights had been darkened by this deed of horror and that the air around her had been tainted by the slain . she only knew that there had been an attack upon the prisons , that all political prisoners had been in danger , and that some had been dragged out by the crowd and murdered . to mr . lorry , the doctor communicated under an injunction of secrecy on which he had no need to dwell , that the crowd had taken him through a scene of carnage to the prison of la force . that , in the prison he had found a self appointed tribunal sitting , before which the prisoners were brought singly , and by which they were rapidly ordered to be put forth to be massacred , or to be released , or to be sent back to their cells . that , presented by his conductors to this tribunal , he had announced himself by name and profession as having been for eighteen years a secret and unaccused prisoner in the bastille that , one of the body so sitting in judgment had risen and identified him , and that this man was defarge . that , hereupon he had ascertained , through the registers on the table , that his son in was among the living prisoners , and had pleaded hard to the tribunal  whom some members were asleep and some awake , some dirty with murder and some clean , some sober and some not  his life and liberty . that , in the first frantic greetings lavished on himself as a notable sufferer under the overthrown system , it had been accorded to him to have charles darnay brought before the lawless court , and examined . that , he seemed on the point of being at once released , when the tide in his favour met with some unexplained check not intelligible to the doctor , which led to a few words of secret conference . that , the man sitting as president had then informed doctor manette that the prisoner must remain in custody , but should , for his sake , be held inviolate in safe custody . that , immediately , on a signal , the prisoner was removed to the interior of the prison again but , that he , the doctor , had then so strongly pleaded for permission to remain and assure himself that his son in was , through no malice or mischance , delivered to the concourse whose murderous yells outside the gate had often drowned the proceedings , that he had obtained the permission , and had remained in that hall of blood until the danger was over . the sights he had seen there , with brief snatches of food and sleep by intervals , shall remain untold . the mad joy over the prisoners who were saved , had astounded him scarcely less than the mad ferocity against those who were cut to pieces . one prisoner there was , he said , who had been discharged into the street free , but at whom a mistaken savage had thrust a pike as he passed out . being besought to go to him and dress the wound , the doctor had passed out at the same gate , and had found him in the arms of a company of samaritans , who were seated on the bodies of their victims . with an inconsistency as monstrous as anything in this awful nightmare , they had helped the healer , and tended the wounded man with the gentlest solicitude  made a litter for him and escorted him carefully from the spot  then caught up their weapons and plunged anew into a butchery so dreadful , that the doctor had covered his eyes with his hands , and swooned away in the midst of it . as mr . lorry received these confidences , and as he watched the face of his friend now sixty two years of age , a misgiving arose within him that such dread experiences would revive the old danger . but , he had never seen his friend in his present aspect he had never at all known him in his present character . for the first time the doctor felt , now , that his suffering was strength and power . for the first time he felt that in that sharp fire , he had slowly forged the iron which could break the prison door of his daughters husband , and deliver him . it all tended to a good end , my friend it was not mere waste and ruin . as my beloved child was helpful in restoring me to myself , i will be helpful now in restoring the dearest part of herself to her by the aid of heaven i will do it . thus , doctor manette . and when jarvis lorry saw the kindled eyes , the resolute face , the calm strong look and bearing of the man whose life always seemed to him to have been stopped , like a clock , for so many years , and then set going again with an energy which had lain dormant during the cessation of its usefulness , he believed . greater things than the doctor had at that time to contend with , would have yielded before his persevering purpose . while he kept himself in his place , as a physician , whose business was with all degrees of mankind , bond and free , rich and poor , bad and good , he used his personal influence so wisely , that he was soon the inspecting physician of three prisons , and among them of la force . he could now assure lucie that her husband was no longer confined alone , but was mixed with the general body of prisoners he saw her husband weekly , and brought sweet messages to her , straight from his lips sometimes her husband himself sent a letter to her but she was not permitted to write to him for , among the many wild suspicions of plots in the prisons , the wildest of all pointed at emigrants who were known to have made friends or permanent connections abroad . this new life of the doctors was an anxious life , no doubt still , the sagacious mr . lorry saw that there was a new sustaining pride in it . nothing unbecoming tinged the pride it was a natural and worthy one but he observed it as a curiosity . the doctor knew , that up to that time , his imprisonment had been associated in the minds of his daughter and his friend , with his personal affliction , deprivation , and weakness . now that this was changed , and he knew himself to be invested through that old trial with forces to which they both looked for charless ultimate safety and deliverance , he became so far exalted by the change , that he took the lead and direction , and required them as the weak , to trust to him as the strong . the preceding relative positions of himself and lucie were reversed , yet only as the liveliest gratitude and affection could reverse them , for he could have had no pride but in rendering some service to her who had rendered so much to him . all curious to see , thought mr . lorry , in his amiably shrewd way , but all natural and right so , take the lead , my dear friend , and keep it couldnt be in better hands . but , though the doctor tried hard , and never ceased trying , to get charles darnay set at liberty , or at least to get him brought to trial , the public current of the time set too strong and fast for him . the new era began the king was tried , doomed , and beheaded the republic of liberty , equality , fraternity , or death , declared for victory or death against the world in arms the black flag waved night and day from the great towers of notre dame three hundred thousand men , summoned to rise against the tyrants of the earth , rose from all the varying soils of france , as if the dragons teeth had been sown broadcast , and had yielded fruit equally on hill and plain , on rock , in gravel , and alluvial mud , under the bright sky of the south and under the clouds of the north , in fell and forest , in the vineyards and the olive grounds and among the cropped grass and the stubble of the corn , along the fruitful banks of the broad rivers , and in the sand of the sea shore . what private solicitude could rear itself against the deluge of the year one of liberty  deluge rising from below , not falling from above , and with the windows of heaven shut , not opened . there was no pause , no pity , no peace , no interval of relenting rest , no measurement of time . though days and nights circled as regularly as when time was young , and the evening and morning were the first day , other count of time there was none . hold of it was lost in the raging fever of a nation , as it is in the fever of one patient . now , breaking the unnatural silence of a whole city , the executioner showed the people the head of the king  now , it seemed almost in the same breath , the head of his fair wife which had eight weary months of imprisoned widowhood and misery , to turn it grey . and yet , observing the strange law of contradiction which obtains in all such cases , the time was long , while it flamed by so fast . a revolutionary tribunal in the capital , and forty or fifty thousand revolutionary committees all over the land a law of the suspected , which struck away all security for liberty or life , and delivered over any good and innocent person to any bad and guilty one prisons gorged with people who had committed no offence , and could obtain no hearing these things became the established order and nature of appointed things , and seemed to be ancient usage before they were many weeks old . above all , one hideous figure grew as familiar as if it had been before the general gaze from the foundations of the world  figure of the sharp female called la guillotine . it was the popular theme for jests it was the best cure for headache , it infallibly prevented the hair from turning grey , it imparted a peculiar delicacy to the complexion , it was the national razor which shaved close who kissed la guillotine , looked through the little window and sneezed into the sack . it was the sign of the regeneration of the human race . it superseded the cross . models of it were worn on breasts from which the cross was discarded , and it was bowed down to and believed in where the cross was denied . it sheared off heads so many , that it , and the ground it most polluted , were a rotten red . it was taken to pieces , like a toy puzzle for a young devil , and was put together again when the occasion wanted it . it hushed the eloquent , struck down the powerful , abolished the beautiful and good . twenty two friends of high public mark , twenty one living and one dead , it had lopped the heads off , in one morning , in as many minutes . the name of the strong man of old scripture had descended to the chief functionary who worked it but , so armed , he was stronger than his namesake , and blinder , and tore away the gates of gods own temple every day . among these terrors , and the brood belonging to them , the doctor walked with a steady head confident in his power , cautiously persistent in his end , never doubting that he would save lucies husband at last . yet the current of the time swept by , so strong and deep , and carried the time away so fiercely , that charles had lain in prison one year and three months when the doctor was thus steady and confident . so much more wicked and distracted had the revolution grown in that december month , that the rivers of the south were encumbered with the bodies of the violently drowned by night , and prisoners were shot in lines and squares under the southern wintry sun . still , the doctor walked among the terrors with a steady head . no man better known than he , in paris at that day no man in a stranger situation . silent , humane , indispensable in hospital and prison , using his art equally among assassins and victims , he was a man apart . in the exercise of his skill , the appearance and the story of the bastille captive removed him from all other men . he was not suspected or brought in question , any more than if he had indeed been recalled to life some eighteen years before , or were a spirit moving among mortals . v . the wood sawyer one year and three months . during all that time lucie was never sure , from hour to hour , but that the guillotine would strike off her husbands head next day . every day , through the stony streets , the tumbrils now jolted heavily , filled with condemned . lovely girls bright women , brown haired, , black haired, , and grey youths stalwart men and old gentle born and peasant born all red wine for la guillotine , all daily brought into light from the dark cellars of the loathsome prisons , and carried to her through the streets to slake her devouring thirst . liberty , equality , fraternity , or death  last , much the easiest to bestow , o guillotine . if the suddenness of her calamity , and the whirling wheels of the time , had stunned the doctors daughter into awaiting the result in idle despair , it would but have been with her as it was with many . but , from the hour when she had taken the white head to her fresh young bosom in the garret of saint antoine , she had been true to her duties . she was truest to them in the season of trial , as all the quietly loyal and good will always be . as soon as they were established in their new residence , and her father had entered on the routine of his avocations , she arranged the little household as exactly as if her husband had been there . everything had its appointed place and its appointed time . little lucie she taught , as regularly , as if they had all been united in their english home . the slight devices with which she cheated herself into the show of a belief that they would soon be reunited  little preparations for his speedy return , the setting aside of his chair and his books  , and the solemn prayer at night for one dear prisoner especially , among the many unhappy souls in prison and the shadow of death  almost the only outspoken reliefs of her heavy mind . she did not greatly alter in appearance . the plain dark dresses , akin to mourning dresses , which she and her child wore , were as neat and as well attended to as the brighter clothes of happy days . she lost her colour , and the old and intent expression was a constant , not an occasional , thing otherwise , she remained very pretty and comely . sometimes , at night on kissing her father , she would burst into the grief she had repressed all day , and would say that her sole reliance , under heaven , was on him . he always resolutely answered nothing can happen to him without my knowledge , and i know that i can save him , lucie . they had not made the round of their changed life many weeks , when her father said to her , on coming home one evening my dear , there is an upper window in the prison , to which charles can sometimes gain access at three in the afternoon . when he can get to it  depends on many uncertainties and incidents  might see you in the street , he thinks , if you stood in a certain place that i can show you . but you will not be able to see him , my poor child , and even if you could , it would be unsafe for you to make a sign of recognition . o show me the place , my father , and i will go there every day . from that time , in all weathers , she waited there two hours . as the clock struck two , she was there , and at four she turned resignedly away . when it was not too wet or inclement for her child to be with her , they went together at other times she was alone but , she never missed a single day . it was the dark and dirty corner of a small winding street . the hovel of a cutter of wood into lengths for burning , was the only house at that end all else was wall . on the third day of her being there , he noticed her . good day , citizeness . good day , citizen . this mode of address was now prescribed by decree . it had been established voluntarily some time ago , among the more thorough patriots but , was now law for everybody . walking here again , citizeness . you see me , citizen . the wood sawyer, , who was a little man with a redundancy of gesture he had once been a mender of roads , cast a glance at the prison , pointed at the prison , and putting his ten fingers before his face to represent bars , peeped through them jocosely . but its not my business , said he . and went on sawing his wood . next day he was looking out for her , and accosted her the moment she appeared . what . walking here again , citizeness . yes , citizen . ah . a child too . your mother , is it not , my little citizeness . do i say yes , mamma . whispered little lucie , drawing close to her . yes , dearest . yes , citizen . ah . but its not my business . my work is my business . see my saw . i call it my little guillotine . la , . and off his head comes . the billet fell as he spoke , and he threw it into a basket . i call myself the samson of the firewood guillotine . see here again . loo , . and off her head comes . now , a child . tickle , pickle , . and off its head comes . all the family . lucie shuddered as he threw two more billets into his basket , but it was impossible to be there while the wood sawyer was at work , and not be in his sight . thenceforth , to secure his good will , she always spoke to him first , and often gave him drink money, , which he readily received . he was an inquisitive fellow , and sometimes when she had quite forgotten him in gazing at the prison roof and grates , and in lifting her heart up to her husband , she would come to herself to find him looking at her , with his knee on his bench and his saw stopped in its work . but its not my business . he would generally say at those times , and would briskly fall to his sawing again . in all weathers , in the snow and frost of winter , in the bitter winds of spring , in the hot sunshine of summer , in the rains of autumn , and again in the snow and frost of winter , lucie passed two hours of every day at this place and every day on leaving it , she kissed the prison wall . her husband saw her it might be once in five or six times it might be twice or thrice running it might be , not for a week or a fortnight together . it was enough that he could and did see her when the chances served , and on that possibility she would have waited out the day , seven days a week . these occupations brought her round to the december month , wherein her father walked among the terrors with a steady head . on a lightly snowing afternoon she arrived at the usual corner . it was a day of some wild rejoicing , and a festival . she had seen the houses , as she came along , decorated with little pikes , and with little red caps stuck upon them also , with tricoloured ribbons also , with the standard inscription republic one and indivisible . liberty , equality , fraternity , or death . the miserable shop of the wood sawyer was so small , that its whole surface furnished very indifferent space for this legend . he had got somebody to scrawl it up for him , however , who had squeezed death in with most inappropriate difficulty . on his house top, , he displayed pike and cap , as a good citizen must , and in a window he had stationed his saw inscribed as his little sainte guillotine  the great sharp female was by that time popularly canonised . his shop was shut and he was not there , which was a relief to lucie , and left her quite alone . but , he was not far off , for presently she heard a troubled movement and a shouting coming along , which filled her with fear . a moment afterwards , and a throng of people came pouring round the corner by the prison wall , in the midst of whom was the wood sawyer hand in hand with the vengeance . there could not be fewer than five hundred people , and they were dancing like five thousand demons . there was no other music than their own singing . they danced to the popular revolution song , keeping a ferocious time that was like a gnashing of teeth in unison . men and women danced together , women danced together , men danced together , as hazard had brought them together . at first , they were a mere storm of coarse red caps and coarse woollen rags but , as they filled the place , and stopped to dance about lucie , some ghastly apparition of a dance figure gone raving mad arose among them . they advanced , retreated , struck at one anothers hands , clutched at one anothers heads , spun round alone , caught one another and spun round in pairs , until many of them dropped . while those were down , the rest linked hand in hand , and all spun round together then the ring broke , and in separate rings of two and four they turned and turned until they all stopped at once , began again , struck , clutched , and tore , and then reversed the spin , and all spun round another way . suddenly they stopped again , paused , struck out the time afresh , formed into lines the width of the public way , and , with their heads low down and their hands high up , swooped screaming off . no fight could have been half so terrible as this dance . it was so emphatically a fallen sport  something , once innocent , delivered over to all devilry  healthy pastime changed into a means of angering the blood , bewildering the senses , and steeling the heart . such grace as was visible in it , made it the uglier , showing how warped and perverted all things good by nature were become . the maidenly bosom bared to this , the pretty almost childs head thus distracted , the delicate foot mincing in this slough of blood and dirt , were types of the disjointed time . this was the carmagnole . as it passed , leaving lucie frightened and bewildered in the doorway of the wood sawyers house , the feathery snow fell as quietly and lay as white and soft , as if it had never been . o my father . for he stood before her when she lifted up the eyes she had momentarily darkened with her hand such a cruel , bad sight . i know , my dear , i know . i have seen it many times . dont be frightened . not one of them would harm you . i am not frightened for myself , my father . but when i think of my husband , and the mercies of these people  we will set him above their mercies very soon . i left him climbing to the window , and i came to tell you . there is no one here to see . you may kiss your hand towards that highest shelving roof . i do so , father , and i send him my soul with it . you cannot see him , my poor dear . no , father , said lucie , yearning and weeping as she kissed her hand , no . a footstep in the snow . madame defarge . i salute you , citizeness , from the doctor . i salute you , citizen . this in passing . nothing more . madame defarge gone , like a shadow over the white road . give me your arm , my love . pass from here with an air of cheerfulness and courage , for his sake . that was well done they had left the spot it shall not be in vain . charles is summoned for to morrow . for to morrow . there is no time to lose . i am well prepared , but there are precautions to be taken , that could not be taken until he was actually summoned before the tribunal . he has not received the notice yet , but i know that he will presently be summoned for to morrow, , and removed to the conciergerie i have timely information . you are not afraid . she could scarcely answer , i trust in you . do so , implicitly . your suspense is nearly ended , my darling he shall be restored to you within a few hours i have encompassed him with every protection . i must see lorry . he stopped . there was a heavy lumbering of wheels within hearing . they both knew too well what it meant . one . two . three . three tumbrils faring away with their dread loads over the hushing snow . i must see lorry , the doctor repeated , turning her another way . the staunch old gentleman was still in his trust had never left it . he and his books were in frequent requisition as to property confiscated and made national . what he could save for the owners , he saved . no better man living to hold fast by what tellsons had in keeping , and to hold his peace . a murky red and yellow sky , and a rising mist from the seine , denoted the approach of darkness . it was almost dark when they arrived at the bank . the stately residence of monseigneur was altogether blighted and deserted . above a heap of dust and ashes in the court , ran the letters national property . republic one and indivisible . liberty , equality , fraternity , or death . who could that be with mr . lorry  owner of the riding coat upon the chair  must not be seen . from whom newly arrived , did he come out , agitated and surprised , to take his favourite in his arms . to whom did he appear to repeat her faltering words , when , raising his voice and turning his head towards the door of the room from which he had issued , he said removed to the conciergerie , and summoned for to morrow . vi . triumph the dread tribunal of five judges , public prosecutor , and determined jury , sat every day . their lists went forth every evening , and were read out by the gaolers of the various prisons to their prisoners . the standard gaoler joke was , come out and listen to the evening paper , you inside there . charles evremonde , called darnay . so at last began the evening paper at la force . when a name was called , its owner stepped apart into a spot reserved for those who were announced as being thus fatally recorded . charles evremonde , called darnay , had reason to know the usage he had seen hundreds pass away so . his bloated gaoler , who wore spectacles to read with , glanced over them to assure himself that he had taken his place , and went through the list , making a similar short pause at each name . there were twenty three names , but only twenty were responded to for one of the prisoners so summoned had died in gaol and been forgotten , and two had already been guillotined and forgotten . the list was read , in the vaulted chamber where darnay had seen the associated prisoners on the night of his arrival . every one of those had perished in the massacre every human creature he had since cared for and parted with , had died on the scaffold . there were hurried words of farewell and kindness , but the parting was soon over . it was the incident of every day , and the society of la force were engaged in the preparation of some games of forfeits and a little concert , for that evening . they crowded to the grates and shed tears there but , twenty places in the projected entertainments had to be refilled , and the time was , at best , short to the lock up hour , when the common rooms and corridors would be delivered over to the great dogs who kept watch there through the night . the prisoners were far from insensible or unfeeling their ways arose out of the condition of the time . similarly , though with a subtle difference , a species of fervour or intoxication , known , without doubt , to have led some persons to brave the guillotine unnecessarily , and to die by it , was not mere boastfulness , but a wild infection of the wildly shaken public mind . in seasons of pestilence , some of us will have a secret attraction to the disease  terrible passing inclination to die of it . and all of us have like wonders hidden in our breasts , only needing circumstances to evoke them . the passage to the conciergerie was short and dark the night in its vermin haunted cells was long and cold . next day , fifteen prisoners were put to the bar before charles darnays name was called . all the fifteen were condemned , and the trials of the whole occupied an hour and a half . charles evremonde , called darnay , was at length arraigned . his judges sat upon the bench in feathered hats but the rough red cap and tricoloured cockade was the head dress otherwise prevailing . looking at the jury and the turbulent audience , he might have thought that the usual order of things was reversed , and that the felons were trying the honest men . the lowest , cruelest , and worst populace of a city , never without its quantity of low , cruel , and bad , were the directing spirits of the scene noisily commenting , applauding , disapproving , anticipating , and precipitating the result , without a check . of the men , the greater part were armed in various ways of the women , some wore knives , some daggers , some ate and drank as they looked on , many knitted . among these last , was one , with a spare piece of knitting under her arm as she worked . she was in a front row , by the side of a man whom he had never seen since his arrival at the barrier , but whom he directly remembered as defarge . he noticed that she once or twice whispered in his ear , and that she seemed to be his wife but , what he most noticed in the two figures was , that although they were posted as close to himself as they could be , they never looked towards him . they seemed to be waiting for something with a dogged determination , and they looked at the jury , but at nothing else . under the president sat doctor manette , in his usual quiet dress . as well as the prisoner could see , he and mr . lorry were the only men there , unconnected with the tribunal , who wore their usual clothes , and had not assumed the coarse garb of the carmagnole . charles evremonde , called darnay , was accused by the public prosecutor as an emigrant , whose life was forfeit to the republic , under the decree which banished all emigrants on pain of death . it was nothing that the decree bore date since his return to france . there he was , and there was the decree he had been taken in france , and his head was demanded . take off his head . cried the audience . an enemy to the republic . the president rang his bell to silence those cries , and asked the prisoner whether it was not true that he had lived many years in england . undoubtedly it was . was he not an emigrant then . what did he call himself . not an emigrant , he hoped , within the sense and spirit of the law . why not . the president desired to know . because he had voluntarily relinquished a title that was distasteful to him , and a station that was distasteful to him , and had left his country  submitted before the word emigrant in the present acceptation by the tribunal was in use  live by his own industry in england , rather than on the industry of the overladen people of france . what proof had he of this . he handed in the names of two witnesses theophile gabelle , and alexandre manette . but he had married in england . the president reminded him . true , but not an english woman . a citizeness of france . yes . by birth . her name and family . lucie manette , only daughter of doctor manette , the good physician who sits there . this answer had a happy effect upon the audience . cries in exaltation of the well known good physician rent the hall . so capriciously were the people moved , that tears immediately rolled down several ferocious countenances which had been glaring at the prisoner a moment before , as if with impatience to pluck him out into the streets and kill him . on these few steps of his dangerous way , charles darnay had set his foot according to doctor manettes reiterated instructions . the same cautious counsel directed every step that lay before him , and had prepared every inch of his road . the president asked , why had he returned to france when he did , and not sooner . he had not returned sooner , he replied , simply because he had no means of living in france , save those he had resigned whereas , in england , he lived by giving instruction in the french language and literature . he had returned when he did , on the pressing and written entreaty of a french citizen , who represented that his life was endangered by his absence . he had come back , to save a citizens life , and to bear his testimony , at whatever personal hazard , to the truth . was that criminal in the eyes of the republic . the populace cried enthusiastically , no . and the president rang his bell to quiet them . which it did not , for they continued to cry no . until they left off , of their own will . the president required the name of that citizen . the accused explained that the citizen was his first witness . he also referred with confidence to the citizens letter , which had been taken from him at the barrier , but which he did not doubt would be found among the papers then before the president . the doctor had taken care that it should be there  assured him that it would be there  at this stage of the proceedings it was produced and read . citizen gabelle was called to confirm it , and did so . citizen gabelle hinted , with infinite delicacy and politeness , that in the pressure of business imposed on the tribunal by the multitude of enemies of the republic with which it had to deal , he had been slightly overlooked in his prison of the abbaye  fact , had rather passed out of the tribunals patriotic remembrance  three days ago when he had been summoned before it , and had been set at liberty on the jurys declaring themselves satisfied that the accusation against him was answered , as to himself , by the surrender of the citizen evremonde , called darnay . doctor manette was next questioned . his high personal popularity , and the clearness of his answers , made a great impression but , as he proceeded , as he showed that the accused was his first friend on his release from his long imprisonment that , the accused had remained in england , always faithful and devoted to his daughter and himself in their exile that , so far from being in favour with the aristocrat government there , he had actually been tried for his life by it , as the foe of england and friend of the united states  he brought these circumstances into view , with the greatest discretion and with the straightforward force of truth and earnestness , the jury and the populace became one . at last , when he appealed by name to monsieur lorry , an english gentleman then and there present , who , like himself , had been a witness on that english trial and could corroborate his account of it , the jury declared that they had heard enough , and that they were ready with their votes if the president were content to receive them . at every vote the populace set up a shout of applause . all the voices were in the prisoners favour , and the president declared him free . then , began one of those extraordinary scenes with which the populace sometimes gratified their fickleness , or their better impulses towards generosity and mercy , or which they regarded as some set off against their swollen account of cruel rage . no man can decide now to which of these motives such extraordinary scenes were referable it is probable , to a blending of all the three , with the second predominating . no sooner was the acquittal pronounced , than tears were shed as freely as blood at another time , and such fraternal embraces were bestowed upon the prisoner by as many of both sexes as could rush at him , that after his long and unwholesome confinement he was in danger of fainting from exhaustion none the less because he knew very well , that the very same people , carried by another current , would have rushed at him with the very same intensity , to rend him to pieces and strew him over the streets . his removal , to make way for other accused persons who were to be tried , rescued him from these caresses for the moment . five were to be tried together , next , as enemies of the republic , forasmuch as they had not assisted it by word or deed . so quick was the tribunal to compensate itself and the nation for a chance lost , that these five came down to him before he left the place , condemned to die within twenty four hours . the first of them told him so , with the customary prison sign of death  raised finger  they all added in words , long live the republic . the five had it is true , no audience to lengthen their proceedings , for when he and doctor manette emerged from the gate , there was a great crowd about it , in which there seemed to be every face he had seen in court  two , for which he looked in vain . on his coming out , the concourse made at him anew , weeping , embracing , and shouting , all by turns and all together , until the very tide of the river on the bank of which the mad scene was acted , seemed to run mad , like the people on the shore . they put him into a great chair they had among them , and which they had taken either out of the court itself , or one of its rooms or passages . over the chair they had thrown a red flag , and to the back of it they had bound a pike with a red cap on its top . in this car of triumph , not even the doctors entreaties could prevent his being carried to his home on mens shoulders , with a confused sea of red caps heaving about him , and casting up to sight from the stormy deep such wrecks of faces , that he more than once misdoubted his mind being in confusion , and that he was in the tumbril on his way to the guillotine . in wild dreamlike procession , embracing whom they met and pointing him out , they carried him on . reddening the snowy streets with the prevailing republican colour , in winding and tramping through them , as they had reddened them below the snow with a deeper dye , they carried him thus into the courtyard of the building where he lived . her father had gone on before , to prepare her , and when her husband stood upon his feet , she dropped insensible in his arms . as he held her to his heart and turned her beautiful head between his face and the brawling crowd , so that his tears and her lips might come together unseen , a few of the people fell to dancing . instantly , all the rest fell to dancing , and the courtyard overflowed with the carmagnole . then , they elevated into the vacant chair a young woman from the crowd to be carried as the goddess of liberty , and then swelling and overflowing out into the adjacent streets , and along the rivers bank , and over the bridge , the carmagnole absorbed them every one and whirled them away . after grasping the doctors hand , as he stood victorious and proud before him after grasping the hand of mr . lorry , who came panting in breathless from his struggle against the waterspout of the carmagnole after kissing little lucie , who was lifted up to clasp her arms round his neck and after embracing the ever zealous and faithful pross who lifted her he took his wife in his arms , and carried her up to their rooms . lucie . my own . i am safe . o dearest charles , let me thank god for this on my knees as i have prayed to him . they all reverently bowed their heads and hearts . when she was again in his arms , he said to her and now speak to your father , dearest . no other man in all this france could have done what he has done for me . she laid her head upon her fathers breast , as she had laid his poor head on her own breast , long , ago . he was happy in the return he had made her , he was recompensed for his suffering , he was proud of his strength . you must not be weak , my darling , he remonstrated dont tremble so . i have saved him . vii . a knock at the door i have saved him . it was not another of the dreams in which he had often come back he was really here . and yet his wife trembled , and a vague but heavy fear was upon her . all the air round was so thick and dark , the people were so passionately revengeful and fitful , the innocent were so constantly put to death on vague suspicion and black malice , it was so impossible to forget that many as blameless as her husband and as dear to others as he was to her , every day shared the fate from which he had been clutched , that her heart could not be as lightened of its load as she felt it ought to be . the shadows of the wintry afternoon were beginning to fall , and even now the dreadful carts were rolling through the streets . her mind pursued them , looking for him among the condemned and then she clung closer to his real presence and trembled more . her father , cheering her , showed a compassionate superiority to this womans weakness , which was wonderful to see . no garret , no shoemaking , no one hundred and five , north tower , now . he had accomplished the task he had set himself , his promise was redeemed , he had saved charles . let them all lean upon him . their housekeeping was of a very frugal kind not only because that was the safest way of life , involving the least offence to the people , but because they were not rich , and charles , throughout his imprisonment , had to pay heavily for his bad food , and for his guard , and towards the living of the poorer prisoners . partly on this account , and partly to avoid a domestic spy , they kept no servant the citizen and citizeness who acted as porters at the courtyard gate , rendered them occasional service and jerry almost wholly transferred to them by mr . lorry had become their daily retainer , and had his bed there every night . it was an ordinance of the republic one and indivisible of liberty , equality , fraternity , or death , that on the door or doorpost of every house , the name of every inmate must be legibly inscribed in letters of a certain size , at a certain convenient height from the ground . mr . jerry crunchers name , therefore , duly embellished the doorpost down below and , as the afternoon shadows deepened , the owner of that name himself appeared , from overlooking a painter whom doctor manette had employed to add to the list the name of charles evremonde , called darnay . in the universal fear and distrust that darkened the time , all the usual harmless ways of life were changed . in the doctors little household , as in very many others , the articles of daily consumption that were wanted were purchased every evening , in small quantities and at various small shops . to avoid attracting notice , and to give as little occasion as possible for talk and envy , was the general desire . for some months past , miss pross and mr . cruncher had discharged the office of purveyors the former carrying the money the latter , the basket . every afternoon at about the time when the public lamps were lighted , they fared forth on this duty , and made and brought home such purchases as were needful . although miss pross , through her long association with a french family , might have known as much of their language as of her own , if she had a mind , she had no mind in that direction consequently she knew no more of that nonsense as she was pleased to call it than mr . cruncher did . so her manner of marketing was to plump a noun substantive at the head of a shopkeeper without any introduction in the nature of an article , and , if it happened not to be the name of the thing she wanted , to look round for that thing , lay hold of it , and hold on by it until the bargain was concluded . she always made a bargain for it , by holding up , as a statement of its just price , one finger less than the merchant held up , whatever his number might be . now , mr . cruncher , said miss pross , whose eyes were red with felicity if you are ready , i am . jerry hoarsely professed himself at miss prosss service . he had worn all his rust off long ago , but nothing would file his spiky head down . theres all manner of things wanted , said miss pross , and we shall have a precious time of it . we want wine , among the rest . nice toasts these redheads will be drinking , wherever we buy it . it will be much the same to your knowledge , miss , i should think , retorted jerry , whether they drink your health or the old uns . whos he . said miss pross . mr . cruncher , with some diffidence , explained himself as meaning old nicks . ha . said miss pross , it doesnt need an interpreter to explain the meaning of these creatures . they have but one , and its midnight murder , and mischief . hush , dear . pray , be cautious . cried lucie . yes , ill be cautious , said miss pross but i may say among ourselves , that i do hope there will be no oniony and tobaccoey smotherings in the form of embracings all round , going on in the streets . now , ladybird , never you stir from that fire till i come back . take care of the dear husband you have recovered , and dont move your pretty head from his shoulder as you have it now , till you see me again . may i ask a question , doctor manette , before i go . i think you may take that liberty , the doctor answered , smiling . for gracious sake , dont talk about liberty we have quite enough of that , said miss pross . hush , dear . again . lucie remonstrated . well , my sweet , said miss pross , nodding her head emphatically , the short and the long of it is , that i am a subject of his most gracious majesty king george the third miss pross curtseyed at the name and as such , my maxim is , confound their politics , frustrate their knavish tricks , on him our hopes we fix , god save the king . mr . cruncher , in an access of loyalty , growlingly repeated the words after miss pross , like somebody at church . i am glad you have so much of the englishman in you , though i wish you had never taken that cold in your voice , said miss pross , approvingly . but the question , doctor manette . is there  was the good creatures way to affect to make light of anything that was a great anxiety with them all , and to come at it in this chance manner  there any prospect yet , of our getting out of this place . i fear not yet . it would be dangerous for charles yet . heigh ho . said miss pross , cheerfully repressing a sigh as she glanced at her darlings golden hair in the light of the fire , then we must have patience and wait thats all . we must hold up our heads and fight low , as my brother solomon used to say . now , mr . cruncher . you move , ladybird . they went out , leaving lucie , and her husband , her father , and the child , by a bright fire . mr . lorry was expected back presently from the banking house . miss pross had lighted the lamp , but had put it aside in a corner , that they might enjoy the fire light undisturbed . little lucie sat by her grandfather with her hands clasped through his arm and he , in a tone not rising much above a whisper , began to tell her a story of a great and powerful fairy who had opened a prison wall and let out a captive who had once done the fairy a service . all was subdued and quiet , and lucie was more at ease than she had been . what is that . she cried , all at once . my dear . said her father , stopping in his story , and laying his hand on hers , command yourself . what a disordered state you are in . the least thing  you . you , your fathers daughter . i thought , my father , said lucie , excusing herself , with a pale face and in a faltering voice , that i heard strange feet upon the stairs . my love , the staircase is as still as death . as he said the word , a blow was struck upon the door . oh father , . what can this be . hide charles . save him . my child , said the doctor , rising , and laying his hand upon her shoulder , i have saved him . what weakness is this , my dear . let me go to the door . he took the lamp in his hand , crossed the two intervening outer rooms , and opened it . a rude clattering of feet over the floor , and four rough men in red caps , armed with sabres and pistols , entered the room . the citizen evremonde , called darnay , said the first . who seeks him . answered darnay . i seek him . we seek him . i know you , evremonde i saw you before the tribunal to day . you are again the prisoner of the republic . the four surrounded him , where he stood with his wife and child clinging to him . tell me how and why am i again a prisoner . it is enough that you return straight to the conciergerie , and will know to morrow . you are summoned for to morrow . doctor manette , whom this visitation had so turned into stone , that he stood with the lamp in his hand , as if he were a statue made to hold it , moved after these words were spoken , put the lamp down , and confronting the speaker , and taking him , not ungently , by the loose front of his red woollen shirt , said you know him , you have said . do you know me . yes , i know you , citizen doctor . we all know you , citizen doctor , said the other three . he looked abstractedly from one to another , and said , in a lower voice , after a pause will you answer his question to me then . how does this happen . citizen doctor , said the first , reluctantly , he has been denounced to the section of saint antoine . this citizen , pointing out the second who had entered , is from saint antoine . the citizen here indicated nodded his head , and added he is accused by saint antoine . of what . asked the doctor . citizen doctor , said the first , with his former reluctance , ask no more . if the republic demands sacrifices from you , without doubt you as a good patriot will be happy to make them . the republic goes before all . the people is supreme . evremonde , we are pressed . one word , the doctor entreated . will you tell me who denounced him . it is against rule , answered the first but you can ask him of saint antoine here . the doctor turned his eyes upon that man . who moved uneasily on his feet , rubbed his beard a little , and at length said well . truly it is against rule . but he is denounced  gravely  the citizen and citizeness defarge . and by one other . what other . do you ask , citizen doctor . yes . then , said he of saint antoine , with a strange look , you will be answered to morrow . now , i am dumb . viii . a hand at cards happily unconscious of the new calamity at home , miss pross threaded her way along the narrow streets and crossed the river by the bridge of the pont neuf, , reckoning in her mind the number of indispensable purchases she had to make . mr . cruncher , with the basket , walked at her side . they both looked to the right and to the left into most of the shops they passed , had a wary eye for all gregarious assemblages of people , and turned out of their road to avoid any very excited group of talkers . it was a raw evening , and the misty river , blurred to the eye with blazing lights and to the ear with harsh noises , showed where the barges were stationed in which the smiths worked , making guns for the army of the republic . woe to the man who played tricks with that army , or got undeserved promotion in it . better for him that his beard had never grown , for the national razor shaved him close . having purchased a few small articles of grocery , and a measure of oil for the lamp , miss pross bethought herself of the wine they wanted . after peeping into several wine shops, , she stopped at the sign of the good republican brutus of antiquity , not far from the national palace , once the tuileries , where the aspect of things rather took her fancy . it had a quieter look than any other place of the same description they had passed , and , though red with patriotic caps , was not so red as the rest . sounding mr . cruncher , and finding him of her opinion , miss pross resorted to the good republican brutus of antiquity , attended by her cavalier . slightly observant of the smoky lights of the people , pipe in mouth , playing with limp cards and yellow dominoes of the one bare breasted, , soot begrimed workman reading a journal aloud , and of the others listening to him of the weapons worn , or laid aside to be resumed of the two or three customers fallen forward asleep , who in the popular high shouldered shaggy black spencer looked , in that attitude , like slumbering bears or dogs the two outlandish customers approached the counter , and showed what they wanted . as their wine was measuring out , a man parted from another man in a corner , and rose to depart . in going , he had to face miss pross . no sooner did he face her , than miss pross uttered a scream , and clapped her hands . in a moment , the whole company were on their feet . that somebody was assassinated by somebody vindicating a difference of opinion was the likeliest occurrence . everybody looked to see somebody fall , but only saw a man and a woman standing staring at each other the man with all the outward aspect of a frenchman and a thorough republican the woman , evidently english . what was said in this disappointing anti climax, , by the disciples of the good republican brutus of antiquity , except that it was something very voluble and loud , would have been as so much hebrew or chaldean to miss pross and her protector , though they had been all ears . but , they had no ears for anything in their surprise . for , it must be recorded , that not only was miss pross lost in amazement and agitation , but , mr . cruncher  it seemed on his own separate and individual account  in a state of the greatest wonder . what is the matter . said the man who had caused miss pross to scream speaking in a vexed , abrupt voice and in english . oh , solomon , dear solomon . cried miss pross , clapping her hands again . after not setting eyes upon you or hearing of you for so long a time , do i find you here . dont call me solomon . do you want to be the death of me . asked the man , in a furtive , frightened way . brother , . cried miss pross , bursting into tears . have i ever been so hard with you that you ask me such a cruel question . then hold your meddlesome tongue , said solomon , and come out , if you want to speak to me . pay for your wine , and come out . whos this man . miss pross , shaking her loving and dejected head at her by no means affectionate brother , said through her tears , mr . cruncher . let him come out too , said solomon . does he think me a ghost . apparently , mr . cruncher did , to judge from his looks . he said not a word , however , and miss pross , exploring the depths of her reticule through her tears with great difficulty paid for her wine . as she did so , solomon turned to the followers of the good republican brutus of antiquity , and offered a few words of explanation in the french language , which caused them all to relapse into their former places and pursuits . now , said solomon , stopping at the dark street corner , what do you want . how dreadfully unkind in a brother nothing has ever turned my love away from . cried miss pross , to give me such a greeting , and show me no affection . there . confound it . there , said solomon , making a dab at miss prosss lips with his own . now are you content . miss pross only shook her head and wept in silence . if you expect me to be surprised , said her brother solomon , i am not surprised i knew you were here i know of most people who are here . if you really dont want to endanger my existence  i half believe you do  your ways as soon as possible , and let me go mine . i am busy . i am an official . my english brother solomon , mourned miss pross , casting up her tear fraught eyes , that had the makings in him of one of the best and greatest of men in his native country , an official among foreigners , and such foreigners . i would almost sooner have seen the dear boy lying in his  i said so . cried her brother , interrupting . i knew it . you want to be the death of me . i shall be rendered suspected , by my own sister . just as i am getting on . the gracious and merciful heavens forbid . cried miss pross . far rather would i never see you again , dear solomon , though i have ever loved you truly , and ever shall . say but one affectionate word to me , and tell me there is nothing angry or estranged between us , and i will detain you no longer . good miss pross . as if the estrangement between them had come of any culpability of hers . as if mr . lorry had not known it for a fact , years ago , in the quiet corner in soho , that this precious brother had spent her money and left her . he was saying the affectionate word , however , with a far more grudging condescension and patronage than he could have shown if their relative merits and positions had been reversed which is invariably the case , all the world over , when mr . cruncher , touching him on the shoulder , hoarsely and unexpectedly interposed with the following singular question i say . might i ask the favour . as to whether your name is john solomon , or solomon john . the official turned towards him with sudden distrust . he had not previously uttered a word . come . said mr . cruncher . speak out , you know . which , by the way , was more than he could do himself . john solomon , or solomon john . she calls you solomon , and she must know , being your sister . and i know youre john , you know . which of the two goes first . and regarding that name of pross , likewise . that warnt your name over the water . what do you mean . well , i dont know all i mean , for i cant call to mind what your name was , over the water . no . no . but ill swear it was a name of two syllables . indeed . yes . tother ones was one syllable . i know you . you was a spy  at the bailey . what , in the name of the father of lies , own father to yourself , was you called at that time . barsad , said another voice , striking in . thats the name for a thousand pound . cried jerry . the speaker who struck in , was sydney carton . he had his hands behind him under the skirts of his riding coat, , and he stood at mr . crunchers elbow as negligently as he might have stood at the old bailey itself . dont be alarmed , my dear miss pross . i arrived at mr . lorrys , to his surprise , yesterday evening we agreed that i would not present myself elsewhere until all was well , or unless i could be useful i present myself here , to beg a little talk with your brother . i wish you had a better employed brother than mr . barsad . i wish for your sake mr . barsad was not a sheep of the prisons . sheep was a cant word of the time for a spy , under the gaolers . the spy , who was pale , turned paler , and asked him how he dared  ill tell you , said sydney . i lighted on you , mr . barsad , coming out of the prison of the conciergerie while i was contemplating the walls , an hour or more ago . you have a face to be remembered , and i remember faces well . made curious by seeing you in that connection , and having a reason , to which you are no stranger , for associating you with the misfortunes of a friend now very unfortunate , i walked in your direction . i walked into the wine shop here , close after you , and sat near you . i had no difficulty in deducing from your unreserved conversation , and the rumour openly going about among your admirers , the nature of your calling . and gradually , what i had done at random , seemed to shape itself into a purpose , mr . barsad . what purpose . the spy asked . it would be troublesome , and might be dangerous , to explain in the street . could you favour me , in confidence , with some minutes of your company  the office of tellsons bank , for instance . under a threat . oh . did i say that . then , why should i go there . really , mr . barsad , i cant say , if you cant . do you mean that you wont say , sir . the spy irresolutely asked . you apprehend me very clearly , mr . barsad . i wont . cartons negligent recklessness of manner came powerfully in aid of his quickness and skill , in such a business as he had in his secret mind , and with such a man as he had to do with . his practised eye saw it , and made the most of it . now , i told you so , said the spy , casting a reproachful look at his sister if any trouble comes of this , its your doing . come , mr . barsad . exclaimed sydney . dont be ungrateful . but for my great respect for your sister , i might not have led up so pleasantly to a little proposal that i wish to make for our mutual satisfaction . do you go with me to the bank . ill hear what you have got to say . yes , ill go with you . i propose that we first conduct your sister safely to the corner of her own street . let me take your arm , miss pross . this is not a good city , at this time , for you to be out in , unprotected and as your escort knows mr . barsad , i will invite him to mr . lorrys with us . are we ready . come then . miss pross recalled soon afterwards , and to the end of her life remembered , that as she pressed her hands on sydneys arm and looked up in his face , imploring him to do no hurt to solomon , there was a braced purpose in the arm and a kind of inspiration in the eyes , which not only contradicted his light manner , but changed and raised the man . she was too much occupied then with fears for the brother who so little deserved her affection , and with sydneys friendly reassurances , adequately to heed what she observed . they left her at the corner of the street , and carton led the way to mr . lorrys , which was within a few minutes walk . john barsad , or solomon pross , walked at his side . mr . lorry had just finished his dinner , and was sitting before a cheery little log or two of fire  looking into their blaze for the picture of that younger elderly gentleman from tellsons , who had looked into the red coals at the royal george at dover , now a good many years ago . he turned his head as they entered , and showed the surprise with which he saw a stranger . miss prosss brother , sir , said sydney . mr . barsad . barsad . repeated the old gentleman , barsad . i have an association with the name  with the face . i told you had a remarkable face , mr . barsad , observed carton , coolly . pray sit down . as he took a chair himself , he supplied the link that mr . lorry wanted , by saying to him with a frown , witness at that trial . mr . lorry immediately remembered , and regarded his new visitor with an undisguised look of abhorrence . mr . barsad has been recognised by miss pross as the affectionate brother you have heard of , said sydney , and has acknowledged the relationship . i pass to worse news . darnay has been arrested again . struck with consternation , the old gentleman exclaimed , what do you tell me . i left him safe and free within these two hours , and am about to return to him . arrested for all that . when was it done , mr . barsad . just now , if at all . mr . barsad is the best authority possible , sir , said sydney , and i have it from mr . barsads communication to a friend and brother sheep over a bottle of wine , that the arrest has taken place . he left the messengers at the gate , and saw them admitted by the porter . there is no earthly doubt that he is retaken . mr . lorrys business eye read in the speakers face that it was loss of time to dwell upon the point . confused , but sensible that something might depend on his presence of mind , he commanded himself , and was silently attentive . now , i trust , said sydney to him , that the name and influence of doctor manette may stand him in as good stead to morrow said he would be before the tribunal again to morrow, , mr . barsad . yes i believe so . as good stead to morrow as to day . but it may not be so . i own to you , i am shaken , mr . lorry , by doctor manettes not having had the power to prevent this arrest . he may not have known of it beforehand , said mr . lorry . but that very circumstance would be alarming , when we remember how identified he is with his son in . thats true , mr . lorry acknowledged , with his troubled hand at his chin , and his troubled eyes on carton . in short , said sydney , this is a desperate time , when desperate games are played for desperate stakes . let the doctor play the winning game i will play the losing one . no mans life here is worth purchase . any one carried home by the people to day, , may be condemned tomorrow . now , the stake i have resolved to play for , in case of the worst , is a friend in the conciergerie . and the friend i purpose to myself to win , is mr . barsad . you need have good cards , sir , said the spy . ill run them over . ill see what i hold  , . lorry , you know what a brute i am i wish youd give me a little brandy . it was put before him , and he drank off a glassful  off another glassful  the bottle thoughtfully away . mr . barsad , he went on , in the tone of one who really was looking over a hand at cards sheep of the prisons , emissary of republican committees , now turnkey , now prisoner , always spy and secret informer , so much the more valuable here for being english that an englishman is less open to suspicion of subornation in those characters than a frenchman , represents himself to his employers under a false name . thats a very good card . mr . barsad , now in the employ of the republican french government , was formerly in the employ of the aristocratic english government , the enemy of france and freedom . thats an excellent card . inference clear as day in this region of suspicion , that mr . barsad , still in the pay of the aristocratic english government , is the spy of pitt , the treacherous foe of the republic crouching in its bosom , the english traitor and agent of all mischief so much spoken of and so difficult to find . thats a card not to be beaten . have you followed my hand , mr . barsad . not to understand your play , returned the spy , somewhat uneasily . i play my ace , denunciation of mr . barsad to the nearest section committee . look over your hand , mr . barsad , and see what you have . dont hurry . he drew the bottle near , poured out another glassful of brandy , and drank it off . he saw that the spy was fearful of his drinking himself into a fit state for the immediate denunciation of him . seeing it , he poured out and drank another glassful . look over your hand carefully , mr . barsad . take time . it was a poorer hand than he suspected . mr . barsad saw losing cards in it that sydney carton knew nothing of . thrown out of his honourable employment in england , through too much unsuccessful hard swearing there  because he was not wanted there our english reasons for vaunting our superiority to secrecy and spies are of very modern date  knew that he had crossed the channel , and accepted service in france first , as a tempter and an eavesdropper among his own countrymen there gradually , as a tempter and an eavesdropper among the natives . he knew that under the overthrown government he had been a spy upon saint antoine and defarges wine shop had received from the watchful police such heads of information concerning doctor manettes imprisonment , release , and history , as should serve him for an introduction to familiar conversation with the defarges and tried them on madame defarge , and had broken down with them signally . he always remembered with fear and trembling , that terrible woman had knitted when he talked with her , and had looked ominously at him as her fingers moved . he had since seen her , in the section of saint antoine , over and over again produce her knitted registers , and denounce people whose lives the guillotine then surely swallowed up . he knew , as every one employed as he was did , that he was never safe that flight was impossible that he was tied fast under the shadow of the axe and that in spite of his utmost tergiversation and treachery in furtherance of the reigning terror , a word might bring it down upon him . once denounced , and on such grave grounds as had just now been suggested to his mind , he foresaw that the dreadful woman of whose unrelenting character he had seen many proofs , would produce against him that fatal register , and would quash his last chance of life . besides that all secret men are men soon terrified , here were surely cards enough of one black suit , to justify the holder in growing rather livid as he turned them over . you scarcely seem to like your hand , said sydney , with the greatest composure . do you play . i think , sir , said the spy , in the meanest manner , as he turned to mr . lorry , i may appeal to a gentleman of your years and benevolence , to put it to this other gentleman , so much your junior , whether he can under any circumstances reconcile it to his station to play that ace of which he has spoken . i admit that i am a spy , and that it is considered a discreditable station  it must be filled by somebody but this gentleman is no spy , and why should he so demean himself as to make himself one . i play my ace , mr . barsad , said carton , taking the answer on himself , and looking at his watch , without any scruple , in a very few minutes . i should have hoped , gentlemen both , said the spy , always striving to hook mr . lorry into the discussion , that your respect for my sister  i could not better testify my respect for your sister than by finally relieving her of her brother , said sydney carton . you think not , sir . i have thoroughly made up my mind about it . the smooth manner of the spy , curiously in dissonance with his ostentatiously rough dress , and probably with his usual demeanour , received such a check from the inscrutability of carton  , was a mystery to wiser and honester men than he  , it faltered here and failed him . while he was at a loss , carton said , resuming his former air of contemplating cards and indeed , now i think again , i have a strong impression that i have another good card here , not yet enumerated . that friend and fellow sheep, , who spoke of himself as pasturing in the country prisons who was he . french . you dont know him , said the spy , quickly . french , eh . repeated carton , musing , and not appearing to notice him at all , though he echoed his word . well he may be . is , i assure you , said the spy though its not important . though its not important , repeated carton , in the same mechanical way  its not important  , its not important . no . yet i know the face . i think not . i am sure not . it cant be , said the spy . it cant , muttered sydney carton , retrospectively , and idling his glass again . cant be . spoke good french . yet like a foreigner , i thought . provincial , said the spy . no . foreign . cried carton , striking his open hand on the table , as a light broke clearly on his mind . cly . disguised , but the same man . we had that man before us at the old bailey . now , there you are hasty , sir , said barsad , with a smile that gave his aquiline nose an extra inclination to one side there you really give me an advantage over you . cly who i will unreservedly admit , at this distance of time , was a partner of mine has been dead several years . i attended him in his last illness . he was buried in london , at the church of saint pancras in . his unpopularity with the blackguard multitude at the moment prevented my following his remains , but i helped to lay him in his coffin . here , mr . lorry became aware , from where he sat , of a most remarkable goblin shadow on the wall . tracing it to its source , he discovered it to be caused by a sudden extraordinary rising and stiffening of all the risen and stiff hair on mr . crunchers head . let us be reasonable , said the spy , and let us be fair . to show you how mistaken you are , and what an unfounded assumption yours is , i will lay before you a certificate of clys burial , which i happened to have carried in my pocket book, , with a hurried hand he produced and opened it , ever since . there it is . oh , look at it , look at it . you may take it in your hand its no forgery . here , mr . lorry perceived the reflection on the wall to elongate , and mr . cruncher rose and stepped forward . his hair could not have been more violently on end , if it had been that moment dressed by the cow with the crumpled horn in the house that jack built . unseen by the spy , mr . cruncher stood at his side , and touched him on the shoulder like a ghostly bailiff . that there roger cly , master , said mr . cruncher , with a taciturn and iron bound visage . so you put him in his coffin . i did . who took him out of it . barsad leaned back in his chair , and stammered , what do you mean . i mean , said mr . cruncher , that he warnt never in it . no . not he . ill have my head took off , if he was ever in it . the spy looked round at the two gentlemen they both looked in unspeakable astonishment at jerry . i tell you , said jerry , that you buried paving stones and earth in that there coffin . dont go and tell me that you buried cly . it was a take in . me and two more knows it . how do you know it . whats that to you . ecod . growled mr . cruncher , its you i have got a old grudge again , is it , with your shameful impositions upon tradesmen . id catch hold of your throat and choke you for half a guinea . sydney carton , who , with mr . lorry , had been lost in amazement at this turn of the business , here requested mr . cruncher to moderate and explain himself . at another time , sir , he returned , evasively , the present time is ill conwenient for explainin . what i stand to , is , that he knows well wot that there cly was never in that there coffin . let him say he was , in so much as a word of one syllable , and ill either catch hold of his throat and choke him for half a guinea mr . cruncher dwelt upon this as quite a liberal offer or ill out and announce him . humph . i see one thing , said carton . i hold another card , mr . barsad . impossible , here in raging paris , with suspicion filling the air , for you to outlive denunciation , when you are in communication with another aristocratic spy of the same antecedents as yourself , who , moreover , has the mystery about him of having feigned death and come to life again . a plot in the prisons , of the foreigner against the republic . a strong card  certain guillotine card . do you play . no . returned the spy . i throw up . i confess that we were so unpopular with the outrageous mob , that i only got away from england at the risk of being ducked to death , and that cly was so ferreted up and down , that he never would have got away at all but for that sham . though how this man knows it was a sham , is a wonder of wonders to me . never you trouble your head about this man , retorted the contentious mr . cruncher youll have trouble enough with giving your attention to that gentleman . and look here . once more .  . cruncher could not be restrained from making rather an ostentatious parade of his liberality  catch hold of your throat and choke you for half a guinea . the sheep of the prisons turned from him to sydney carton , and said , with more decision , it has come to a point . i go on duty soon , and cant overstay my time . you told me you had a proposal what is it . now , it is of no use asking too much of me . ask me to do anything in my office , putting my head in great extra danger , and i had better trust my life to the chances of a refusal than the chances of consent . in short , i should make that choice . you talk of desperation . we are all desperate here . remember . i may denounce you if i think proper , and i can swear my way through stone walls , and so can others . now , what do you want with me . not very much . you are a turnkey at the conciergerie . i tell you once for all , there is no such thing as an escape possible , said the spy , firmly . why need you tell me what i have not asked . you are a turnkey at the conciergerie . i am sometimes . you can be when you choose . i can pass in and out when i choose . sydney carton filled another glass with brandy , poured it slowly out upon the hearth , and watched it as it dropped . it being all spent , he said , rising so far , we have spoken before these two , because it was as well that the merits of the cards should not rest solely between you and me . come into the dark room here , and let us have one final word alone . ix . the game made while sydney carton and the sheep of the prisons were in the adjoining dark room , speaking so low that not a sound was heard , mr . lorry looked at jerry in considerable doubt and mistrust . that honest tradesmans manner of receiving the look , did not inspire confidence he changed the leg on which he rested , as often as if he had fifty of those limbs , and were trying them all he examined his finger nails with a very questionable closeness of attention and whenever mr . lorrys eye caught his , he was taken with that peculiar kind of short cough requiring the hollow of a hand before it , which is seldom , if ever , known to be an infirmity attendant on perfect openness of character . jerry , said mr . lorry . come here . mr . cruncher came forward sideways , with one of his shoulders in advance of him . what have you been , besides a messenger . after some cogitation , accompanied with an intent look at his patron , mr . cruncher conceived the luminous idea of replying , agicultooral character . my mind misgives me much , said mr . lorry , angrily shaking a forefinger at him , that you have used the respectable and great house of tellsons as a blind , and that you have had an unlawful occupation of an infamous description . if you have , dont expect me to befriend you when you get back to england . if you have , dont expect me to keep your secret . tellsons shall not be imposed upon . i hope , sir , pleaded the abashed mr . cruncher , that a gentleman like yourself wot ive had the honour of odd jobbing till im grey at it , would think twice about harming of me , even if it wos so  dont say it is , but even if it wos . and which it is to be took into account that if it wos , it wouldnt , even then , be all o one side . thered be two sides to it . there might be medical doctors at the present hour , a picking up their guineas where a honest tradesman dont pick up his fardens  . no , nor yet his half fardens  . no , nor yet his quarter  banking away like smoke at tellsons , and a cocking their medical eyes at that tradesman on the sly , a going in and going out to their own carriages  . equally like smoke , if not more so . well , that ud be imposing , too , on tellsons . for you cannot sarse the goose and not the gander . and heres mrs . cruncher , or leastways wos in the old england times , and would be to morrow, , if cause given , a floppin again the business to that degree as is ruinating  . whereas them medical doctors wives dont flop  em at it . or , if they flop , their floppings goes in favour of more patients , and how can you rightly have one without tother . then , wot with undertakers , and wot with parish clerks , and wot with sextons , and wot with private watchmen a man wouldnt get much by it , even if it wos so . and wot little a man did get , would never prosper with him , mr . lorry . hed never have no good of it hed want all along to be out of the line , if he , could see his way out , being once in  if it wos so . ugh . cried mr . lorry , rather relenting , nevertheless , i am shocked at the sight of you . now , what i would humbly offer to you , sir , pursued mr . cruncher , even if it wos so , which i dont say it is  dont prevaricate , said mr . lorry . no , i will not , sir , returned mr . crunches as if nothing were further from his thoughts or practice  i dont say it is  i would humbly offer to you , sir , would be this . upon that there stool , at that there bar , sets that there boy of mine , brought up and growed up to be a man , wot will errand you , message you , general light you , till your heels is where your head is , if such should be your wishes . if it wos so , which i still dont say it is for i will not prewaricate to you , sir , let that there boy keep his fathers place , and take care of his mother dont blow upon that boys father  not do it , sir  let that father go into the line of the reglar diggin , and make amends for what he would have undug  it wos so  diggin of em in with a will , and with conwictions respectin the futur keepin of em safe . that , mr . lorry , said mr . cruncher , wiping his forehead with his arm , as an announcement that he had arrived at the peroration of his discourse , is wot i would respectfully offer to you , sir . a man dont see all this here a goin on dreadful round him , in the way of subjects without heads , dear me , plentiful enough fur to bring the price down to porterage and hardly that , without havin his serious thoughts of things . and these here would be mine , if it wos so , entreatin of you fur to bear in mind that wot i said just now , i up and said in the good cause when i might have kep it back . that at least is true , said mr . lorry . say no more now . it may be that i shall yet stand your friend , if you deserve it , and repent in action  in words . i want no more words . mr . cruncher knuckled his forehead , as sydney carton and the spy returned from the dark room . adieu , mr . barsad , said the former our arrangement thus made , you have nothing to fear from me . he sat down in a chair on the hearth , over against mr . lorry . when they were alone , mr . lorry asked him what he had done . not much . if it should go ill with the prisoner , i have ensured access to him , once . mr . lorrys countenance fell . it is all i could do , said carton . to propose too much , would be to put this mans head under the axe , and , as he himself said , nothing worse could happen to him if he were denounced . it was obviously the weakness of the position . there is no help for it . but access to him , said mr . lorry , if it should go ill before the tribunal , will not save him . i never said it would . mr . lorrys eyes gradually sought the fire his sympathy with his darling , and the heavy disappointment of his second arrest , gradually weakened them he was an old man now , overborne with anxiety of late , and his tears fell . you are a good man and a true friend , said carton , in an altered voice . forgive me if i notice that you are affected . i could not see my father weep , and sit by , careless . and i could not respect your sorrow more , if you were my father . you are free from that misfortune , however . though he said the last words , with a slip into his usual manner , there was a true feeling and respect both in his tone and in his touch , that mr . lorry , who had never seen the better side of him , was wholly unprepared for . he gave him his hand , and carton gently pressed it . to return to poor darnay , said carton . dont tell her of this interview , or this arrangement . it would not enable her to go to see him . she might think it was contrived , in case of the worse , to convey to him the means of anticipating the sentence . mr . lorry had not thought of that , and he looked quickly at carton to see if it were in his mind . it seemed to be he returned the look , and evidently understood it . she might think a thousand things , carton said , and any of them would only add to her trouble . dont speak of me to her . as i said to you when i first came , i had better not see her . i can put my hand out , to do any little helpful work for her that my hand can find to do , without that . you are going to her , i hope . she must be very desolate to night . i am going now , directly . i am glad of that . she has such a strong attachment to you and reliance on you . how does she look . anxious and unhappy , but very beautiful . ah . it was a long , grieving sound , like a sigh  like a sob . it attracted mr . lorrys eyes to cartons face , which was turned to the fire . a light , or a shade passed from it as swiftly as a change will sweep over a hill side on a wild bright day , and he lifted his foot to put back one of the little flaming logs , which was tumbling forward . he wore the white riding coat and top boots, , then in vogue , and the light of the fire touching their light surfaces made him look very pale , with his long brown hair , all untrimmed , hanging loose about him . his indifference to fire was sufficiently remarkable to elicit a word of remonstrance from mr . lorry his boot was still upon the hot embers of the flaming log , when it had broken under the weight of his foot . i forgot it , he said . mr . lorrys eyes were again attracted to his face . taking note of the wasted air which clouded the naturally handsome features , and having the expression of prisoners faces fresh in his mind , he was strongly reminded of that expression . and your duties here have drawn to an end , sir . said carton , turning to him . yes . as i was telling you last night when lucie came in so unexpectedly , i have at length done all that i can do here . i hoped to have left them in perfect safety , and then to have quitted paris . i have my leave to pass . i was ready to go . they were both silent . yours is a long life to look back upon , sir . said carton , wistfully . i am in my seventy eighth year . you have been useful all your life steadily and constantly occupied trusted , respected , and looked up to . i have been a man of business , ever since i have been a man . indeed , i may say that i was a man of business when a boy . see what a place you fill at seventy eight . how many people will miss you when you leave it empty . a solitary old bachelor , answered mr . lorry , shaking his head . there is nobody to weep for me . how can you say that . wouldnt she weep for you . wouldnt her child . yes , thank god . i didnt quite mean what i said . it is a thing to thank god for is it not . surely , . if you could say , with truth , to your own solitary heart , to night, , i have secured to myself the love and attachment , the gratitude or respect , of no human creature i have won myself a tender place in no regard i have done nothing good or serviceable to be remembered by . your seventy eight years would be seventy eight heavy curses would they not . you say truly , mr . carton i think they would be . sydney turned his eyes again upon the fire , and , after a silence of a few moments , said i should like to ask you  your childhood seem far off . do the days when you sat at your mothers knee , seem days of very long ago . responding to his softened manner , mr . lorry answered twenty years back , yes at this time of my life , no . for , as i draw closer and closer to the end , i travel in the circle , nearer and nearer to the beginning . it seems to be one of the kind smoothings and preparings of the way . my heart is touched now , by many remembrances that had long fallen asleep , of my pretty young mother and by many associations of the days when what we call the world was not so real with me , and my faults were not confirmed in me . i understand the feeling . exclaimed carton , with a bright flush . and you are the better for it . i hope so . carton terminated the conversation here , by rising to help him on with his outer coat but you , said mr . lorry , reverting to the theme , you are young . yes , said carton . i am not old , but my young way was never the way to age . enough of me . and of me , i am sure , said mr . lorry . are you going out . ill walk with you to her gate . you know my vagabond and restless habits . if i should prowl about the streets a long time , dont be uneasy i shall reappear in the morning . you go to the court to morrow . yes , unhappily . i shall be there , but only as one of the crowd . my spy will find a place for me . take my arm , sir . mr . lorry did so , and they went down stairs and out in the streets . a few minutes brought them to mr . lorrys destination . carton left him there but lingered at a little distance , and turned back to the gate again when it was shut , and touched it . he had heard of her going to the prison every day . she came out here , he said , looking about him , turned this way , must have trod on these stones often . let me follow in her steps . it was ten oclock at night when he stood before the prison of la force , where she had stood hundreds of times . a little wood sawyer, , having closed his shop , was smoking his pipe at his shop door . good night , citizen , said sydney carton , pausing in going by for , the man eyed him inquisitively . good night , citizen . how goes the republic . you mean the guillotine . not ill . sixty three to day . we shall mount to a hundred soon . samson and his men complain sometimes , of being exhausted . ha , . he is so droll , that samson . such a barber . do you often go to see him  shave . always . every day . what a barber . you have seen him at work . never . go and see him when he has a good batch . figure this to yourself , citizen he shaved the sixty three to day, , in less than two pipes . less than two pipes . word of honour . as the grinning little man held out the pipe he was smoking , to explain how he timed the executioner , carton was so sensible of a rising desire to strike the life out of him , that he turned away . but you are not english , said the wood sawyer, , though you wear english dress . yes , said carton , pausing again , and answering over his shoulder . you speak like a frenchman . i am an old student here . aha , a perfect frenchman . good night , englishman . good night , citizen . but go and see that droll dog , the little man persisted , calling after him . and take a pipe with you . sydney had not gone far out of sight , when he stopped in the middle of the street under a glimmering lamp , and wrote with his pencil on a scrap of paper . then , traversing with the decided step of one who remembered the way well , several dark and dirty streets  dirtier than usual , for the best public thoroughfares remained uncleansed in those times of terror  stopped at a chemists shop , which the owner was closing with his own hands . a small , dim , crooked shop , kept in a tortuous , up hill thoroughfare , by a small , dim , crooked man . giving this citizen , too , good night , as he confronted him at his counter , he laid the scrap of paper before him . whew . the chemist whistled softly , as he read it . hi . hi . hi . sydney carton took no heed , and the chemist said for you , citizen . for me . you will be careful to keep them separate , citizen . you know the consequences of mixing them . perfectly . certain small packets were made and given to him . he put them , one by one , in the breast of his inner coat , counted out the money for them , and deliberately left the shop . there is nothing more to do , said he , glancing upward at the moon , until to morrow . i cant sleep . it was not a reckless manner , the manner in which he said these words aloud under the fast sailing clouds , nor was it more expressive of negligence than defiance . it was the settled manner of a tired man , who had wandered and struggled and got lost , but who at length struck into his road and saw its end . long ago , when he had been famous among his earliest competitors as a youth of great promise , he had followed his father to the grave . his mother had died , years before . these solemn words , which had been read at his fathers grave , arose in his mind as he went down the dark streets , among the heavy shadows , with the moon and the clouds sailing on high above him . i am the resurrection and the life , saith the lord he that believeth in me , though he were dead , yet shall he live and whosoever liveth and believeth in me , shall never die . in a city dominated by the axe , alone at night , with natural sorrow rising in him for the sixty three who had been that day put to death , and for to morrows victims then awaiting their doom in the prisons , and still of to morrows and to morrows, , the chain of association that brought the words home , like a rusty old ships anchor from the deep , might have been easily found . he did not seek it , but repeated them and went on . with a solemn interest in the lighted windows where the people were going to rest , forgetful through a few calm hours of the horrors surrounding them in the towers of the churches , where no prayers were said , for the popular revulsion had even travelled that length of self destruction from years of priestly impostors , plunderers , and profligates in the distant burial places, , reserved , as they wrote upon the gates , for eternal sleep in the abounding gaols and in the streets along which the sixties rolled to a death which had become so common and material , that no sorrowful story of a haunting spirit ever arose among the people out of all the working of the guillotine with a solemn interest in the whole life and death of the city settling down to its short nightly pause in fury sydney carton crossed the seine again for the lighter streets . few coaches were abroad , for riders in coaches were liable to be suspected , and gentility hid its head in red nightcaps , and put on heavy shoes , and trudged . but , the theatres were all well filled , and the people poured cheerfully out as he passed , and went chatting home . at one of the theatre doors , there was a little girl with a mother , looking for a way across the street through the mud . he carried the child over , and before the timid arm was loosed from his neck asked her for a kiss . i am the resurrection and the life , saith the lord he that believeth in me , though he were dead , yet shall he live and whosoever liveth and believeth in me , shall never die . now , that the streets were quiet , and the night wore on , the words were in the echoes of his feet , and were in the air . perfectly calm and steady , he sometimes repeated them to himself as he walked but , he heard them always . the night wore out , and , as he stood upon the bridge listening to the water as it splashed the river walls of the island of paris , where the picturesque confusion of houses and cathedral shone bright in the light of the moon , the day came coldly , looking like a dead face out of the sky . then , the night , with the moon and the stars , turned pale and died , and for a little while it seemed as if creation were delivered over to deaths dominion . but , the glorious sun , rising , seemed to strike those words , that burden of the night , straight and warm to his heart in its long bright rays . and looking along them , with reverently shaded eyes , a bridge of light appeared to span the air between him and the sun , while the river sparkled under it . the strong tide , so swift , so deep , and certain , was like a congenial friend , in the morning stillness . he walked by the stream , far from the houses , and in the light and warmth of the sun fell asleep on the bank . when he awoke and was afoot again , he lingered there yet a little longer , watching an eddy that turned and turned purposeless , until the stream absorbed it , and carried it on to the sea . me . a trading boat, , with a sail of the softened colour of a dead leaf , then glided into his view , floated by him , and died away . as its silent track in the water disappeared , the prayer that had broken up out of his heart for a merciful consideration of all his poor blindnesses and errors , ended in the words , i am the resurrection and the life . mr . lorry was already out when he got back , and it was easy to surmise where the good old man was gone . sydney carton drank nothing but a little coffee , ate some bread , and , having washed and changed to refresh himself , went out to the place of trial . the court was all astir and a buzz, , when the black sheep  many fell away from in dread  him into an obscure corner among the crowd . mr . lorry was there , and doctor manette was there . she was there , sitting beside her father . when her husband was brought in , she turned a look upon him , so sustaining , so encouraging , so full of admiring love and pitying tenderness , yet so courageous for his sake , that it called the healthy blood into his face , brightened his glance , and animated his heart . if there had been any eyes to notice the influence of her look , on sydney carton , it would have been seen to be the same influence exactly . before that unjust tribunal , there was little or no order of procedure , ensuring to any accused person any reasonable hearing . there could have been no such revolution , if all laws , forms , and ceremonies , had not first been so monstrously abused , that the suicidal vengeance of the revolution was to scatter them all to the winds . every eye was turned to the jury . the same determined patriots and good republicans as yesterday and the day before , and to morrow and the day after . eager and prominent among them , one man with a craving face , and his fingers perpetually hovering about his lips , whose appearance gave great satisfaction to the spectators . a life thirsting, , cannibal looking, , bloody minded juryman , the jacques three of st . antoine . the whole jury , as a jury of dogs empannelled to try the deer . every eye then turned to the five judges and the public prosecutor . no favourable leaning in that quarter to day . a fell , uncompromising , murderous business meaning there . every eye then sought some other eye in the crowd , and gleamed at it approvingly and heads nodded at one another , before bending forward with a strained attention . charles evremonde , called darnay . released yesterday . reaccused and retaken yesterday . indictment delivered to him last night . suspected and denounced enemy of the republic , aristocrat , one of a family of tyrants , one of a race proscribed , for that they had used their abolished privileges to the infamous oppression of the people . charles evremonde , called darnay , in right of such proscription , absolutely dead in law . to this effect , in as few or fewer words , the public prosecutor . the president asked , was the accused openly denounced or secretly . openly , president . by whom . three voices . ernest defarge , wine vendor of st . antoine . good . therese defarge , his wife . good . alexandre manette , physician . a great uproar took place in the court , and in the midst of it , doctor manette was seen , pale and trembling , standing where he had been seated . president , i indignantly protest to you that this is a forgery and a fraud . you know the accused to be the husband of my daughter . my daughter , and those dear to her , are far dearer to me than my life . who and where is the false conspirator who says that i denounce the husband of my child . citizen manette , be tranquil . to fail in submission to the authority of the tribunal would be to put yourself out of law . as to what is dearer to you than life , nothing can be so dear to a good citizen as the republic . loud acclamations hailed this rebuke . the president rang his bell , and with warmth resumed . if the republic should demand of you the sacrifice of your child herself , you would have no duty but to sacrifice her . listen to what is to follow . in the meanwhile , be silent . frantic acclamations were again raised . doctor manette sat down , with his eyes looking around , and his lips trembling his daughter drew closer to him . the craving man on the jury rubbed his hands together , and restored the usual hand to his mouth . defarge was produced , when the court was quiet enough to admit of his being heard , and rapidly expounded the story of the imprisonment , and of his having been a mere boy in the doctors service , and of the release , and of the state of the prisoner when released and delivered to him . this short examination followed , for the court was quick with its work . you did good service at the taking of the bastille , citizen . i believe so . here , an excited woman screeched from the crowd you were one of the best patriots there . why not say so . you were a cannonier that day there , and you were among the first to enter the accursed fortress when it fell . patriots , i speak the truth . it was the vengeance who , amidst the warm commendations of the audience , thus assisted the proceedings . the president rang his bell but , the vengeance , warming with encouragement , shrieked , i defy that bell . wherein she was likewise much commended . inform the tribunal of what you did that day within the bastille , citizen . i knew , said defarge , looking down at his wife , who stood at the bottom of the steps on which he was raised , looking steadily up at him i knew that this prisoner , of whom i speak , had been confined in a cell known as one hundred and five , north tower . i knew it from himself . he knew himself by no other name than one hundred and five , north tower , when he made shoes under my care . as i serve my gun that day , i resolve , when the place shall fall , to examine that cell . it falls . i mount to the cell , with a fellow citizen who is one of the jury , directed by a gaoler . i examine it , very closely . in a hole in the chimney , where a stone has been worked out and replaced , i find a written paper . this is that written paper . i have made it my business to examine some specimens of the writing of doctor manette . this is the writing of doctor manette . i confide this paper , in the writing of doctor manette , to the hands of the president . let it be read . in a dead silence and stillness  prisoner under trial looking lovingly at his wife , his wife only looking from him to look with solicitude at her father , doctor manette keeping his eyes fixed on the reader , madame defarge never taking hers from the prisoner , defarge never taking his from his feasting wife , and all the other eyes there intent upon the doctor , who saw none of them  paper was read , as follows . x . the substance of the shadow i , alexandre manette , unfortunate physician , native of beauvais , and afterwards resident in paris , write this melancholy paper in my doleful cell in the bastille , during the last month of the year , . i write it at stolen intervals , under every difficulty . i design to secrete it in the wall of the chimney , where i have slowly and laboriously made a place of concealment for it . some pitying hand may find it there , when i and my sorrows are dust . these words are formed by the rusty iron point with which i write with difficulty in scrapings of soot and charcoal from the chimney , mixed with blood , in the last month of the tenth year of my captivity . hope has quite departed from my breast . i know from terrible warnings i have noted in myself that my reason will not long remain unimpaired , but i solemnly declare that i am at this time in the possession of my right mind  my memory is exact and circumstantial  that i write the truth as i shall answer for these my last recorded words , whether they be ever read by men or not , at the eternal judgment seat . one cloudy moonlight night , in the third week of december i think the twenty second of the month in the year i was walking on a retired part of the quay by the seine for the refreshment of the frosty air , at an hours distance from my place of residence in the street of the school of medicine , when a carriage came along behind me , driven very fast . as i stood aside to let that carriage pass , apprehensive that it might otherwise run me down , a head was put out at the window , and a voice called to the driver to stop . the carriage stopped as soon as the driver could rein in his horses , and the same voice called to me by my name . i answered . the carriage was then so far in advance of me that two gentlemen had time to open the door and alight before i came up with it . i observed that they were both wrapped in cloaks , and appeared to conceal themselves . as they stood side by side near the carriage door , i also observed that they both looked of about my own age , or rather younger , and that they were greatly alike , in stature , manner , voice , and face too . you are doctor manette . said one . i am . doctor manette , formerly of beauvais , said the other the young physician , originally an expert surgeon , who within the last year or two has made a rising reputation in paris . gentlemen , i returned , i am that doctor manette of whom you speak so graciously . we have been to your residence , said the first , and not being so fortunate as to find you there , and being informed that you were probably walking in this direction , we followed , in the hope of overtaking you . will you please to enter the carriage . the manner of both was imperious , and they both moved , as these words were spoken , so as to place me between themselves and the carriage door . they were armed . i was not . gentlemen , said i , pardon me but i usually inquire who does me the honour to seek my assistance , and what is the nature of the case to which i am summoned . the reply to this was made by him who had spoken second . doctor , your clients are people of condition . as to the nature of the case , our confidence in your skill assures us that you will ascertain it for yourself better than we can describe it . enough . will you please to enter the carriage . i could do nothing but comply , and i entered it in silence . they both entered after me  last springing in , after putting up the steps . the carriage turned about , and drove on at its former speed . i repeat this conversation exactly as it occurred . i have no doubt that it is , word for word , the same . i describe everything exactly as it took place , constraining my mind not to wander from the task . where i make the broken marks that follow here , i leave off for the time , and put my paper in its hiding place . the carriage left the streets behind , passed the north barrier , and emerged upon the country road . at two thirds of a league from the barrier  did not estimate the distance at that time , but afterwards when i traversed it  struck out of the main avenue , and presently stopped at a solitary house , we all three alighted , and walked , by a damp soft footpath in a garden where a neglected fountain had overflowed , to the door of the house . it was not opened immediately , in answer to the ringing of the bell , and one of my two conductors struck the man who opened it , with his heavy riding glove , across the face . there was nothing in this action to attract my particular attention , for i had seen common people struck more commonly than dogs . but , the other of the two , being angry likewise , struck the man in like manner with his arm the look and bearing of the brothers were then so exactly alike , that i then first perceived them to be twin brothers . from the time of our alighting at the outer gate which we found locked , and which one of the brothers had opened to admit us , and had relocked , i had heard cries proceeding from an upper chamber . i was conducted to this chamber straight , the cries growing louder as we ascended the stairs , and i found a patient in a high fever of the brain , lying on a bed . the patient was a woman of great beauty , and young assuredly not much past twenty . her hair was torn and ragged , and her arms were bound to her sides with sashes and handkerchiefs . i noticed that these bonds were all portions of a gentlemans dress . on one of them , which was a fringed scarf for a dress of ceremony , i saw the armorial bearings of a noble , and the letter e . i saw this , within the first minute of my contemplation of the patient for , in her restless strivings she had turned over on her face on the edge of the bed , had drawn the end of the scarf into her mouth , and was in danger of suffocation . my first act was to put out my hand to relieve her breathing and in moving the scarf aside , the embroidery in the corner caught my sight . i turned her gently over , placed my hands upon her breast to calm her and keep her down , and looked into her face . her eyes were dilated and wild , and she constantly uttered piercing shrieks , and repeated the words , my husband , my father , and my brother . and then counted up to twelve , and said , hush . for an instant , and no more , she would pause to listen , and then the piercing shrieks would begin again , and she would repeat the cry , my husband , my father , and my brother . and would count up to twelve , and say , hush . there was no variation in the order , or the manner . there was no cessation , but the regular moments pause , in the utterance of these sounds . how long , i asked , has this lasted . to distinguish the brothers , i will call them the elder and the younger by the elder , i mean him who exercised the most authority . it was the elder who replied , since about this hour last night . she has a husband , a father , and a brother . a brother . i do not address her brother . he answered with great contempt , no . she has some recent association with the number twelve . the younger brother impatiently rejoined , with twelve oclock . see , gentlemen , said i , still keeping my hands upon her breast , how useless i am , as you have brought me . if i had known what i was coming to see , i could have come provided . as it is , time must be lost . there are no medicines to be obtained in this lonely place . the elder brother looked to the younger , who said haughtily , there is a case of medicines here and brought it from a closet , and put it on the table . i opened some of the bottles , smelt them , and put the stoppers to my lips . if i had wanted to use anything save narcotic medicines that were poisons in themselves , i would not have administered any of those . do you doubt them . asked the younger brother . you see , monsieur , i am going to use them , i replied , and said no more . i made the patient swallow , with great difficulty , and after many efforts , the dose that i desired to give . as i intended to repeat it after a while , and as it was necessary to watch its influence , i then sat down by the side of the bed . there was a timid and suppressed woman in attendance who had retreated into a corner . the house was damp and decayed , indifferently furnished  , recently occupied and temporarily used . some thick old hangings had been nailed up before the windows , to deaden the sound of the shrieks . they continued to be uttered in their regular succession , with the cry , my husband , my father , and my brother . the counting up to twelve , and hush . the frenzy was so violent , that i had not unfastened the bandages restraining the arms but , i had looked to them , to see that they were not painful . the only spark of encouragement in the case , was , that my hand upon the sufferers breast had this much soothing influence , that for minutes at a time it tranquillised the figure . it had no effect upon the cries no pendulum could be more regular . for the reason that my hand had this effect i had sat by the side of the bed for half an hour , with the two brothers looking on , before the elder said there is another patient . i was startled , and asked , is it a pressing case . you had better see , he carelessly answered and took up a light . the other patient lay in a back room across a second staircase , which was a species of loft over a stable . there was a low plastered ceiling to a part of it the rest was open , to the ridge of the tiled roof , and there were beams across . hay and straw were stored in that portion of the place , fagots for firing , and a heap of apples in sand . i had to pass through that part , to get at the other . my memory is circumstantial and unshaken . i try it with these details , and i see them all , in this my cell in the bastille , near the close of the tenth year of my captivity , as i saw them all that night . on some hay on the ground , with a cushion thrown under his head , lay a handsome peasant boy  of not more than seventeen at the most . he lay on his back , with his teeth set , his right hand clenched on his breast , and his glaring eyes looking straight upward . i could not see where his wound was , as i kneeled on one knee over him but , i could see that he was dying of a wound from a sharp point . i am a doctor , my poor fellow , said i . let me examine it . i do not want it examined , he answered let it be . it was under his hand , and i soothed him to let me move his hand away . the wound was a sword thrust, , received from twenty to twenty four hours before , but no skill could have saved him if it had been looked to without delay . he was then dying fast . as i turned my eyes to the elder brother , i saw him looking down at this handsome boy whose life was ebbing out , as if he were a wounded bird , or hare , or rabbit not at all as if he were a fellow creature . how has this been done , monsieur . said i . a crazed young common dog . a serf . forced my brother to draw upon him , and has fallen by my brothers sword  a gentleman . there was no touch of pity , sorrow , or kindred humanity , in this answer . the speaker seemed to acknowledge that it was inconvenient to have that different order of creature dying there , and that it would have been better if he had died in the usual obscure routine of his vermin kind . he was quite incapable of any compassionate feeling about the boy , or about his fate . the boys eyes had slowly moved to him as he had spoken , and they now slowly moved to me . doctor , they are very proud , these nobles but we common dogs are proud too , sometimes . they plunder us , outrage us , beat us , kill us but we have a little pride left , sometimes . she  you seen her , doctor . the shrieks and the cries were audible there , though subdued by the distance . he referred to them , as if she were lying in our presence . i said , i have seen her . she is my sister , doctor . they have had their shameful rights , these nobles , in the modesty and virtue of our sisters , many years , but we have had good girls among us . i know it , and have heard my father say so . she was a good girl . she was betrothed to a good young man , too a tenant of his . we were all tenants of his  mans who stands there . the other is his brother , the worst of a bad race . it was with the greatest difficulty that the boy gathered bodily force to speak but , his spirit spoke with a dreadful emphasis . we were so robbed by that man who stands there , as all we common dogs are by those superior beings  by him without mercy , obliged to work for him without pay , obliged to grind our corn at his mill , obliged to feed scores of his tame birds on our wretched crops , and forbidden for our lives to keep a single tame bird of our own , pillaged and plundered to that degree that when we chanced to have a bit of meat , we ate it in fear , with the door barred and the shutters closed , that his people should not see it and take it from us  say , we were so robbed , and hunted , and were made so poor , that our father told us it was a dreadful thing to bring a child into the world , and that what we should most pray for , was , that our women might be barren and our miserable race die out . i had never before seen the sense of being oppressed , bursting forth like a fire . i had supposed that it must be latent in the people somewhere but , i had never seen it break out , until i saw it in the dying boy . nevertheless , doctor , my sister married . he was ailing at that time , poor fellow , and she married her lover , that she might tend and comfort him in our cottage  dog hut, , as that man would call it . she had not been married many weeks , when that mans brother saw her and admired her , and asked that man to lend her to him  what are husbands among us . he was willing enough , but my sister was good and virtuous , and hated his brother with a hatred as strong as mine . what did the two then , to persuade her husband to use his influence with her , to make her willing . the boys eyes , which had been fixed on mine , slowly turned to the looker on, , and i saw in the two faces that all he said was true . the two opposing kinds of pride confronting one another , i can see , even in this bastille the gentlemans , all negligent indifference the peasants , all trodden down sentiment , and passionate revenge . you know , doctor , that it is among the rights of these nobles to harness us common dogs to carts , and drive us . they so harnessed him and drove him . you know that it is among their rights to keep us in their grounds all night , quieting the frogs , in order that their noble sleep may not be disturbed . they kept him out in the unwholesome mists at night , and ordered him back into his harness in the day . but he was not persuaded . no . taken out of harness one day at noon , to feed  he could find food  sobbed twelve times , once for every stroke of the bell , and died on her bosom . nothing human could have held life in the boy but his determination to tell all his wrong . he forced back the gathering shadows of death , as he forced his clenched right hand to remain clenched , and to cover his wound . then , with that mans permission and even with his aid , his brother took her away in spite of what i know she must have told his brother  what that is , will not be long unknown to you , doctor , if it is now  brother took her away  his pleasure and diversion , for a little while . i saw her pass me on the road . when i took the tidings home , our fathers heart burst he never spoke one of the words that filled it . i took my young sister to a place beyond the reach of this man , and where , at least , she will never be his vassal . then , i tracked the brother here , and last night climbed in  common dog , but sword in hand . is the loft window . it was somewhere here . the room was darkening to his sight the world was narrowing around him . i glanced about me , and saw that the hay and straw were trampled over the floor , as if there had been a struggle . she heard me , and ran in . i told her not to come near us till he was dead . he came in and first tossed me some pieces of money then struck at me with a whip . but i , though a common dog , so struck at him as to make him draw . let him break into as many pieces as he will , the sword that he stained with my common blood he drew to defend himself  at me with all his skill for his life . my glance had fallen , but a few moments before , on the fragments of a broken sword , lying among the hay . that weapon was a gentlemans . in another place , lay an old sword that seemed to have been a soldiers . now , lift me up , doctor lift me up . where is he . he is not here , i said , supporting the boy , and thinking that he referred to the brother . he . proud as these nobles are , he is afraid to see me . where is the man who was here . turn my face to him . i did so , raising the boys head against my knee . but , invested for the moment with extraordinary power , he raised himself completely obliging me to rise too , or i could not have still supported him . marquis , said the boy , turned to him with his eyes opened wide , and his right hand raised , in the days when all these things are to be answered for , i summon you and yours , to the last of your bad race , to answer for them . i mark this cross of blood upon you , as a sign that i do it . in the days when all these things are to be answered for , i summon your brother , the worst of the bad race , to answer for them separately . i mark this cross of blood upon him , as a sign that i do it . twice , he put his hand to the wound in his breast , and with his forefinger drew a cross in the air . he stood for an instant with the finger yet raised , and as it dropped , he dropped with it , and i laid him down dead . when i returned to the bedside of the young woman , i found her raving in precisely the same order of continuity . i knew that this might last for many hours , and that it would probably end in the silence of the grave . i repeated the medicines i had given her , and i sat at the side of the bed until the night was far advanced . she never abated the piercing quality of her shrieks , never stumbled in the distinctness or the order of her words . they were always my husband , my father , and my brother . one , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , eleven , twelve . hush . this lasted twenty six hours from the time when i first saw her . i had come and gone twice , and was again sitting by her , when she began to falter . i did what little could be done to assist that opportunity , and by and she sank into a lethargy , and lay like the dead . it was as if the wind and rain had lulled at last , after a long and fearful storm . i released her arms , and called the woman to assist me to compose her figure and the dress she had torn . it was then that i knew her condition to be that of one in whom the first expectations of being a mother have arisen and it was then that i lost the little hope i had of her . is she dead . asked the marquis , whom i will still describe as the elder brother , coming booted into the room from his horse . not dead , said i but like to die . what strength there is in these common bodies . he said , looking down at her with some curiosity . there is prodigious strength , i answered him , in sorrow and despair . he first laughed at my words , and then frowned at them . he moved a chair with his foot near to mine , ordered the woman away , and said in a subdued voice , doctor , finding my brother in this difficulty with these hinds , i recommended that your aid should be invited . your reputation is high , and , as a young man with your fortune to make , you are probably mindful of your interest . the things that you see here , are things to be seen , and not spoken of . i listened to the patients breathing , and avoided answering . do you honour me with your attention , doctor . monsieur , said i , in my profession , the communications of patients are always received in confidence . i was guarded in my answer , for i was troubled in my mind with what i had heard and seen . her breathing was so difficult to trace , that i carefully tried the pulse and the heart . there was life , and no more . looking round as i resumed my seat , i found both the brothers intent upon me . i write with so much difficulty , the cold is so severe , i am so fearful of being detected and consigned to an underground cell and total darkness , that i must abridge this narrative . there is no confusion or failure in my memory it can recall , and could detail , every word that was ever spoken between me and those brothers . she lingered for a week . towards the last , i could understand some few syllables that she said to me , by placing my ear close to her lips . she asked me where she was , and i told her who i was , and i told her . it was in vain that i asked her for her family name . she faintly shook her head upon the pillow , and kept her secret , as the boy had done . i had no opportunity of asking her any question , until i had told the brothers she was sinking fast , and could not live another day . until then , though no one was ever presented to her consciousness save the woman and myself , one or other of them had always jealously sat behind the curtain at the head of the bed when i was there . but when it came to that , they seemed careless what communication i might hold with her as if  thought passed through my mind  were dying too . i always observed that their pride bitterly resented the younger brothers having crossed swords with a peasant , and that peasant a boy . the only consideration that appeared to affect the mind of either of them was the consideration that this was highly degrading to the family , and was ridiculous . as often as i caught the younger brothers eyes , their expression reminded me that he disliked me deeply , for knowing what i knew from the boy . he was smoother and more polite to me than the elder but i saw this . i also saw that i was an incumbrance in the mind of the elder , too . my patient died , two hours before midnight  a time , by my watch , answering almost to the minute when i had first seen her . i was alone with her , when her forlorn young head drooped gently on one side , and all her earthly wrongs and sorrows ended . the brothers were waiting in a room down stairs, , impatient to ride away . i had heard them , alone at the bedside , striking their boots with their riding whips, , and loitering up and down . at last she is dead . said the elder , when i went in . she is dead , said i . i congratulate you , my brother , were his words as he turned round . he had before offered me money , which i had postponed taking . he now gave me a rouleau of gold . i took it from his hand , but laid it on the table . i had considered the question , and had resolved to accept nothing . pray excuse me , said i . under the circumstances , no . they exchanged looks , but bent their heads to me as i bent mine to them , and we parted without another word on either side . i am weary , down by misery . i cannot read what i have written with this gaunt hand . early in the morning , the rouleau of gold was left at my door in a little box , with my name on the outside . from the first , i had anxiously considered what i ought to do . i decided , that day , to write privately to the minister , stating the nature of the two cases to which i had been summoned , and the place to which i had gone in effect , stating all the circumstances . i knew what court influence was , and what the immunities of the nobles were , and i expected that the matter would never be heard of but , i wished to relieve my own mind . i had kept the matter a profound secret , even from my wife and this , too , i resolved to state in my letter . i had no apprehension whatever of my real danger but i was conscious that there might be danger for others , if others were compromised by possessing the knowledge that i possessed . i was much engaged that day , and could not complete my letter that night . i rose long before my usual time next morning to finish it . it was the last day of the year . the letter was lying before me just completed , when i was told that a lady waited , who wished to see me . i am growing more and more unequal to the task i have set myself . it is so cold , so dark , my senses are so benumbed , and the gloom upon me is so dreadful . the lady was young , engaging , and handsome , but not marked for long life . she was in great agitation . she presented herself to me as the wife of the marquis st . evremonde . i connected the title by which the boy had addressed the elder brother , with the initial letter embroidered on the scarf , and had no difficulty in arriving at the conclusion that i had seen that nobleman very lately . my memory is still accurate , but i cannot write the words of our conversation . i suspect that i am watched more closely than i was , and i know not at what times i may be watched . she had in part suspected , and in part discovered , the main facts of the cruel story , of her husbands share in it , and my being resorted to . she did not know that the girl was dead . her hope had been , she said in great distress , to show her , in secret , a womans sympathy . her hope had been to avert the wrath of heaven from a house that had long been hateful to the suffering many . she had reasons for believing that there was a young sister living , and her greatest desire was , to help that sister . i could tell her nothing but that there was such a sister beyond that , i knew nothing . her inducement to come to me , relying on my confidence , had been the hope that i could tell her the name and place of abode . whereas , to this wretched hour i am ignorant of both . these scraps of paper fail me . one was taken from me , with a warning , yesterday . i must finish my record to day . she was a good , compassionate lady , and not happy in her marriage . how could she be . the brother distrusted and disliked her , and his influence was all opposed to her she stood in dread of him , and in dread of her husband too . when i handed her down to the door , there was a child , a pretty boy from two to three years old , in her carriage . for his sake , doctor , she said , pointing to him in tears , i would do all i can to make what poor amends i can . he will never prosper in his inheritance otherwise . i have a presentiment that if no other innocent atonement is made for this , it will one day be required of him . what i have left to call my own  is little beyond the worth of a few jewels  will make it the first charge of his life to bestow , with the compassion and lamenting of his dead mother , on this injured family , if the sister can be discovered . she kissed the boy , and said , caressing him , it is for thine own dear sake . thou wilt be faithful , little charles . the child answered her bravely , yes . i kissed her hand , and she took him in her arms , and went away caressing him . i never saw her more . as she had mentioned her husbands name in the faith that i knew it , i added no mention of it to my letter . i sealed my letter , and , not trusting it out of my own hands , delivered it myself that day . that night , the last night of the year , towards nine oclock , a man in a black dress rang at my gate , demanded to see me , and softly followed my servant , ernest defarge , a youth , up stairs . when my servant came into the room where i sat with my wife  my wife , beloved of my heart . my fair young english wife . saw the man , who was supposed to be at the gate , standing silent behind him . an urgent case in the rue st . honore , he said . it would not detain me , he had a coach in waiting . it brought me here , it brought me to my grave . when i was clear of the house , a black muffler was drawn tightly over my mouth from behind , and my arms were pinioned . the two brothers crossed the road from a dark corner , and identified me with a single gesture . the marquis took from his pocket the letter i had written , showed it me , burnt it in the light of a lantern that was held , and extinguished the ashes with his foot . not a word was spoken . i was brought here , i was brought to my living grave . if it had pleased god to put it in the hard heart of either of the brothers , in all these frightful years , to grant me any tidings of my dearest wife  much as to let me know by a word whether alive or dead  might have thought that he had not quite abandoned them . but , now i believe that the mark of the red cross is fatal to them , and that they have no part in his mercies . and them and their descendants , to the last of their race , i , alexandre manette , unhappy prisoner , do this last night of the year in my unbearable agony , denounce to the times when all these things shall be answered for . i denounce them to heaven and to earth . a terrible sound arose when the reading of this document was done . a sound of craving and eagerness that had nothing articulate in it but blood . the narrative called up the most revengeful passions of the time , and there was not a head in the nation but must have dropped before it . little need , in presence of that tribunal and that auditory , to show how the defarges had not made the paper public , with the other captured bastille memorials borne in procession , and had kept it , biding their time . little need to show that this detested family name had long been anathematised by saint antoine , and was wrought into the fatal register . the man never trod ground whose virtues and services would have sustained him in that place that day , against such denunciation . and all the worse for the doomed man , that the denouncer was a well known citizen , his own attached friend , the father of his wife . one of the frenzied aspirations of the populace was , for imitations of the questionable public virtues of antiquity , and for sacrifices and self immolations on the peoples altar . therefore when the president said that the good physician of the republic would deserve better still of the republic by rooting out an obnoxious family of aristocrats , and would doubtless feel a sacred glow and joy in making his daughter a widow and her child an orphan , there was wild excitement , patriotic fervour , not a touch of human sympathy . much influence around him , has that doctor . murmured madame defarge , smiling to the vengeance . save him now , my doctor , save him . at every jurymans vote , there was a roar . another and another . roar and roar . unanimously voted . at heart and by descent an aristocrat , an enemy of the republic , a notorious oppressor of the people . back to the conciergerie , and death within four and hours . xi . dusk the wretched wife of the innocent man thus doomed to die , fell under the sentence , as if she had been mortally stricken . but , she uttered no sound and so strong was the voice within her , representing that it was she of all the world who must uphold him in his misery and not augment it , that it quickly raised her , even from that shock . the judges having to take part in a public demonstration out of doors , the tribunal adjourned . the quick noise and movement of the courts emptying itself by many passages had not ceased , when lucie stood stretching out her arms towards her husband , with nothing in her face but love and consolation . if i might touch him . if i might embrace him once . o , good citizens , if you would have so much compassion for us . there was but a gaoler left , along with two of the four men who had taken him last night , and barsad . the people had all poured out to the show in the streets . barsad proposed to the rest , let her embrace him then it is but a moment . it was silently acquiesced in , and they passed her over the seats in the hall to a raised place , where he , by leaning over the dock , could fold her in his arms . farewell , dear darling of my soul . my parting blessing on my love . we shall meet again , where the weary are at rest . they were her husbands words , as he held her to his bosom . i can bear it , dear charles . i am supported from above dont suffer for me . a parting blessing for our child . i send it to her by you . i kiss her by you . i say farewell to her by you . my husband . no . a moment . he was tearing himself apart from her . we shall not be separated long . i feel that this will break my heart by and but i will do my duty while i can , and when i leave her , god will raise up friends for her , as he did for me . her father had followed her , and would have fallen on his knees to both of them , but that darnay put out a hand and seized him , crying no , . what have you done , what have you done , that you should kneel to us . we know now , what a struggle you made of old . we know , now what you underwent when you suspected my descent , and when you knew it . we know now , the natural antipathy you strove against , and conquered , for her dear sake . we thank you with all our hearts , and all our love and duty . heaven be with you . her fathers only answer was to draw his hands through his white hair , and wring them with a shriek of anguish . it could not be otherwise , said the prisoner . all things have worked together as they have fallen out . it was the always vain endeavour to discharge my poor mothers trust that first brought my fatal presence near you . good could never come of such evil , a happier end was not in nature to so unhappy a beginning . be comforted , and forgive me . heaven bless you . as he was drawn away , his wife released him , and stood looking after him with her hands touching one another in the attitude of prayer , and with a radiant look upon her face , in which there was even a comforting smile . as he went out at the prisoners door , she turned , laid her head lovingly on her fathers breast , tried to speak to him , and fell at his feet . then , issuing from the obscure corner from which he had never moved , sydney carton came and took her up . only her father and mr . lorry were with her . his arm trembled as it raised her , and supported her head . yet , there was an air about him that was not all of pity  had a flush of pride in it . shall i take her to a coach . i shall never feel her weight . he carried her lightly to the door , and laid her tenderly down in a coach . her father and their old friend got into it , and he took his seat beside the driver . when they arrived at the gateway where he had paused in the dark not many hours before , to picture to himself on which of the rough stones of the street her feet had trodden , he lifted her again , and carried her up the staircase to their rooms . there , he laid her down on a couch , where her child and miss pross wept over her . dont recall her to herself , he said , softly , to the latter , she is better so . dont revive her to consciousness , while she only faints . oh , carton , dear carton . cried little lucie , springing up and throwing her arms passionately round him , in a burst of grief . now that you have come , i think you will do something to help mamma , something to save papa . o , look at her , dear carton . can you , of all the people who love her , bear to see her so . he bent over the child , and laid her blooming cheek against his face . he put her gently from him , and looked at her unconscious mother . before i go , he said , and paused  may kiss her . it was remembered afterwards that when he bent down and touched her face with his lips , he murmured some words . the child , who was nearest to him , told them afterwards , and told her grandchildren when she was a handsome old lady , that she heard him say , a life you love . when he had gone out into the next room , he turned suddenly on mr . lorry and her father , who were following , and said to the latter you had great influence but yesterday , doctor manette let it at least be tried . these judges , and all the men in power , are very friendly to you , and very recognisant of your services are they not . nothing connected with charles was concealed from me . i had the strongest assurances that i should save him and i did . he returned the answer in great trouble , and very slowly . try them again . the hours between this and to morrow afternoon are few and short , but try . i intend to try . i will not rest a moment . thats well . i have known such energy as yours do great things before now  never , he added , with a smile and a sigh together , such great things as this . but try . of little worth as life is when we misuse it , is worth that effort . it would cost nothing to lay down if it were not . i will go , said doctor manette , to the prosecutor and the president straight , and i will go to others whom it is better not to name . i will write too , and  stay . there is a celebration in the streets , and no one will be accessible until dark . thats true . well . it is a forlorn hope at the best , and not much the forlorner for being delayed till dark . i should like to know how you speed though , mind . i expect nothing . when are you likely to have seen these dread powers , doctor manette . immediately after dark , i should hope . within an hour or two from this . it will be dark soon after four . let us stretch the hour or two . if i go to mr . lorrys at nine , shall i hear what you have done , either from our friend or from yourself . yes . may you prosper . mr . lorry followed sydney to the outer door , and , touching him on the shoulder as he was going away , caused him to turn . i have no hope , said mr . lorry , in a low and sorrowful whisper . nor have i . if any one of these men , or all of these men , were disposed to spare him  is a large supposition for what is his life , or any mans to them . doubt if they durst spare him after the demonstration in the court . and so do i . i heard the fall of the axe in that sound . mr . lorry leaned his arm upon the door post, , and bowed his face upon it . dont despond , said carton , very gently dont grieve . i encouraged doctor manette in this idea , because i felt that it might one day be consolatory to her . otherwise , she might think his life was wantonly thrown away or wasted , and that might trouble her . yes , returned mr . lorry , drying his eyes , you are right . but he will perish there is no real hope . yes . he will perish there is no real hope , echoed carton . and walked with a settled step , down stairs . xii . darkness sydney carton paused in the street , not quite decided where to go . at tellsons banking house at nine , he said , with a musing face . shall i do well , in the mean time , to show myself . i think so . it is best that these people should know there is such a man as i here it is a sound precaution , and may be a necessary preparation . but care , . let me think it out . checking his steps which had begun to tend towards an object , he took a turn or two in the already darkening street , and traced the thought in his mind to its possible consequences . his first impression was confirmed . it is best , he said , finally resolved , that these people should know there is such a man as i here . and he turned his face towards saint antoine . defarge had described himself , that day , as the keeper of a wine shop in the saint antoine suburb . it was not difficult for one who knew the city well , to find his house without asking any question . having ascertained its situation , carton came out of those closer streets again , and dined at a place of refreshment and fell sound asleep after dinner . for the first time in many years , he had no strong drink . since last night he had taken nothing but a little light thin wine , and last night he had dropped the brandy slowly down on mr . lorrys hearth like a man who had done with it . it was as late as seven oclock when he awoke refreshed , and went out into the streets again . as he passed along towards saint antoine , he stopped at a shop window where there was a mirror , and slightly altered the disordered arrangement of his loose cravat , and his coat collar, , and his wild hair . this done , he went on direct to defarges , and went in . there happened to be no customer in the shop but jacques three , of the restless fingers and the croaking voice . this man , whom he had seen upon the jury , stood drinking at the little counter , in conversation with the defarges , man and wife . the vengeance assisted in the conversation , like a regular member of the establishment . as carton walked in , took his seat and asked in very indifferent french for a small measure of wine , madame defarge cast a careless glance at him , and then a keener , and then a keener , and then advanced to him herself , and asked him what it was he had ordered . he repeated what he had already said . english . asked madame defarge , inquisitively raising her dark eyebrows . after looking at her , as if the sound of even a single french word were slow to express itself to him , he answered , in his former strong foreign accent . yes , madame , yes . i am english . madame defarge returned to her counter to get the wine , and , as he took up a jacobin journal and feigned to pore over it puzzling out its meaning , he heard her say , i swear to you , like evremonde . defarge brought him the wine , and gave him good evening . how . good evening . oh . good evening , citizen , filling his glass . ah . and good wine . i drink to the republic . defarge went back to the counter , and said , certainly , a little like . madame sternly retorted , i tell you a good deal like . jacques three pacifically remarked , he is so much in your mind , see you , madame . the amiable vengeance added , with a laugh , yes , my faith . and you are looking forward with so much pleasure to seeing him once more to morrow . carton followed the lines and words of his paper , with a slow forefinger , and with a studious and absorbed face . they were all leaning their arms on the counter close together , speaking low . after a silence of a few moments , during which they all looked towards him without disturbing his outward attention from the jacobin editor , they resumed their conversation . it is true what madame says , observed jacques three . why stop . there is great force in that . why stop . well , reasoned defarge , but one must stop somewhere . after all , the question is still where . at extermination , said madame . magnificent . croaked jacques three . the vengeance , also , highly approved . extermination is good doctrine , my wife , said defarge , rather troubled in general , i say nothing against it . but this doctor has suffered much you have seen him to day you have observed his face when the paper was read . i have observed his face . repeated madame , contemptuously and angrily . yes . i have observed his face . i have observed his face to be not the face of a true friend of the republic . let him take care of his face . and you have observed , my wife , said defarge , in a deprecatory manner , the anguish of his daughter , which must be a dreadful anguish to him . i have observed his daughter , repeated madame yes , i have observed his daughter , more times than one . i have observed her to day, , and i have observed her other days . i have observed her in the court , and i have observed her in the street by the prison . let me but lift my finger  . she seemed to raise it the listeners eyes were always on his paper , and to let it fall with a rattle on the ledge before her , as if the axe had dropped . the citizeness is superb . croaked the juryman . she is an angel . said the vengeance , and embraced her . as to thee , pursued madame , implacably , addressing her husband , if it depended on thee  , happily , it does not  wouldst rescue this man even now . no . protested defarge . not if to lift this glass would do it . but i would leave the matter there . i say , stop there . see you then , jacques , said madame defarge , wrathfully and see you , too , my little vengeance see you both . listen . for other crimes as tyrants and oppressors , i have this race a long time on my register , doomed to destruction and extermination . ask my husband , is that so . it is so , assented defarge , without being asked . in the beginning of the great days , when the bastille falls , he finds this paper of to day, , and he brings it home , and in the middle of the night when this place is clear and shut , we read it , here on this spot , by the light of this lamp . ask him , is that so . it is so , assented defarge . that night , i tell him , when the paper is read through , and the lamp is burnt out , and the day is gleaming in above those shutters and between those iron bars , that i have now a secret to communicate . ask him , is that so . it is so , assented defarge again . i communicate to him that secret . i smite this bosom with these two hands as i smite it now , and i tell him , defarge , i was brought up among the fishermen of the sea shore, , and that peasant family so injured by the two evremonde brothers , as that bastille paper describes , is my family . defarge , that sister of the mortally wounded boy upon the ground was my sister , that husband was my sisters husband , that unborn child was their child , that brother was my brother , that father was my father , those dead are my dead , and that summons to answer for those things descends to me . ask him , is that so . it is so , assented defarge once more . then tell wind and fire where to stop , returned madame but dont tell me . both her hearers derived a horrible enjoyment from the deadly nature of her wrath  listener could feel how white she was , without seeing her  both highly commended it . defarge , a weak minority , interposed a few words for the memory of the compassionate wife of the marquis but only elicited from his own wife a repetition of her last reply . tell the wind and the fire where to stop not me . customers entered , and the group was broken up . the english customer paid for what he had perplexedly counted his change , and asked , as a stranger , to be directed towards the national palace . madame defarge took him to the door , and put her arm on his , in pointing out the road . the english customer was not without his reflections then , that it might be a good deed to seize that arm , lift it , and strike under it sharp and deep . but , he went his way , and was soon swallowed up in the shadow of the prison wall . at the appointed hour , he emerged from it to present himself in mr . lorrys room again , where he found the old gentleman walking to and fro in restless anxiety . he said he had been with lucie until just now , and had only left her for a few minutes , to come and keep his appointment . her father had not been seen , since he quitted the banking house towards four oclock . she had some faint hopes that his mediation might save charles , but they were very slight . he had been more than five hours gone where could he be . mr . lorry waited until ten but , doctor manette not returning , and he being unwilling to leave lucie any longer , it was arranged that he should go back to her , and come to the banking house again at midnight . in the meanwhile , carton would wait alone by the fire for the doctor . he waited and waited , and the clock struck twelve but doctor manette did not come back . mr . lorry returned , and found no tidings of him , and brought none . where could he be . they were discussing this question , and were almost building up some weak structure of hope on his prolonged absence , when they heard him on the stairs . the instant he entered the room , it was plain that all was lost . whether he had really been to any one , or whether he had been all that time traversing the streets , was never known . as he stood staring at them , they asked him no question , for his face told them everything . i cannot find it , said he , and i must have it . where is it . his head and throat were bare , and , as he spoke with a helpless look straying all around , he took his coat off , and let it drop on the floor . where is my bench . i have been looking everywhere for my bench , and i cant find it . what have they done with my work . time presses i must finish those shoes . they looked at one another , and their hearts died within them . come , . said he , in a whimpering miserable way let me get to work . give me my work . receiving no answer , he tore his hair , and beat his feet upon the ground , like a distracted child . dont torture a poor forlorn wretch , he implored them , with a dreadful cry but give me my work . what is to become of us , if those shoes are not done to night . lost , utterly lost . it was so clearly beyond hope to reason with him , or try to restore him , that  if by agreement  each put a hand upon his shoulder , and soothed him to sit down before the fire , with a promise that he should have his work presently . he sank into the chair , and brooded over the embers , and shed tears . as if all that had happened since the garret time were a momentary fancy , or a dream , mr . lorry saw him shrink into the exact figure that defarge had in keeping . affected , and impressed with terror as they both were , by this spectacle of ruin , it was not a time to yield to such emotions . his lonely daughter , bereft of her final hope and reliance , appealed to them both too strongly . again , as if by agreement , they looked at one another with one meaning in their faces . carton was the first to speak the last chance is gone it was not much . yes he had better be taken to her . but , before you go , will you , for a moment , steadily attend to me . dont ask me why i make the stipulations i am going to make , and exact the promise i am going to exact i have a reason  good one . i do not doubt it , answered mr . lorry . say on . the figure in the chair between them , was all the time monotonously rocking itself to and fro , and moaning . they spoke in such a tone as they would have used if they had been watching by a sick bed in the night . carton stooped to pick up the coat , which lay almost entangling his feet . as he did so , a small case in which the doctor was accustomed to carry the lists of his days duties , fell lightly on the floor . carton took it up , and there was a folded paper in it . we should look at this . he said . mr . lorry nodded his consent . he opened it , and exclaimed , thank god . what is it . asked mr . lorry , eagerly . a moment . let me speak of it in its place . first , he put his hand in his coat , and took another paper from it , that is the certificate which enables me to pass out of this city . look at it . you see  carton , an englishman . mr . lorry held it open in his hand , gazing in his earnest face . keep it for me until to morrow . i shall see him to morrow, , you remember , and i had better not take it into the prison . why not . i dont know i prefer not to do so . now , take this paper that doctor manette has carried about him . it is a similar certificate , enabling him and his daughter and her child , at any time , to pass the barrier and the frontier . you see . yes . perhaps he obtained it as his last and utmost precaution against evil , yesterday . when is it dated . but no matter dont stay to look put it up carefully with mine and your own . now , observe . i never doubted until within this hour or two , that he had , or could have such a paper . it is good , until recalled . but it may be soon recalled , and , i have reason to think , will be . they are not in danger . they are in great danger . they are in danger of denunciation by madame defarge . i know it from her own lips . i have overheard words of that womans , to night, , which have presented their danger to me in strong colours . i have lost no time , and since then , i have seen the spy . he confirms me . he knows that a wood sawyer, , living by the prison wall , is under the control of the defarges , and has been rehearsed by madame defarge as to his having seen her  never mentioned lucies name  signs and signals to prisoners . it is easy to foresee that the pretence will be the common one , a prison plot , and that it will involve her life  perhaps her childs  perhaps her fathers  both have been seen with her at that place . dont look so horrified . you will save them all . heaven grant i may , carton . but how . i am going to tell you how . it will depend on you , and it could depend on no better man . this new denunciation will certainly not take place until after to morrow probably not until two or three days afterwards more probably a week afterwards . you know it is a capital crime , to mourn for , or sympathise with , a victim of the guillotine . she and her father would unquestionably be guilty of this crime , and this woman the inveteracy of whose pursuit cannot be described would wait to add that strength to her case , and make herself doubly sure . you follow me . so attentively , and with so much confidence in what you say , that for the moment i lose sight , touching the back of the doctors chair , even of this distress . you have money , and can buy the means of travelling to the seacoast as quickly as the journey can be made . your preparations have been completed for some days , to return to england . early to morrow have your horses ready , so that they may be in starting trim at two oclock in the afternoon . it shall be done . his manner was so fervent and inspiring , that mr . lorry caught the flame , and was as quick as youth . you are a noble heart . did i say we could depend upon no better man . tell her , to night, , what you know of her danger as involving her child and her father . dwell upon that , for she would lay her own fair head beside her husbands cheerfully . he faltered for an instant then went on as before . for the sake of her child and her father , press upon her the necessity of leaving paris , with them and you , at that hour . tell her that it was her husbands last arrangement . tell her that more depends upon it than she dare believe , or hope . you think that her father , even in this sad state , will submit himself to her do you not . i am sure of it . i thought so . quietly and steadily have all these arrangements made in the courtyard here , even to the taking of your own seat in the carriage . the moment i come to you , take me in , and drive away . i understand that i wait for you under all circumstances . you have my certificate in your hand with the rest , you know , and will reserve my place . wait for nothing but to have my place occupied , and then for england . why , then , said mr . lorry , grasping his eager but so firm and steady hand , it does not all depend on one old man , but i shall have a young and ardent man at my side . by the help of heaven you shall . promise me solemnly that nothing will influence you to alter the course on which we now stand pledged to one another . nothing , carton . remember these words to morrow change the course , or delay in it  any reason  no life can possibly be saved , and many lives must inevitably be sacrificed . i will remember them . i hope to do my part faithfully . and i hope to do mine . now , good bye . though he said it with a grave smile of earnestness , and though he even put the old mans hand to his lips , he did not part from him then . he helped him so far to arouse the rocking figure before the dying embers , as to get a cloak and hat put upon it , and to tempt it forth to find where the bench and work were hidden that it still moaningly besought to have . he walked on the other side of it and protected it to the courtyard of the house where the afflicted heart  happy in the memorable time when he had revealed his own desolate heart to it  the awful night . he entered the courtyard and remained there for a few moments alone , looking up at the light in the window of her room . before he went away , he breathed a blessing towards it , and a farewell . xiii . fifty two in the black prison of the conciergerie , the doomed of the day awaited their fate . they were in number as the weeks of the year . fifty two were to roll that afternoon on the life tide of the city to the boundless everlasting sea . before their cells were quit of them , new occupants were appointed before their blood ran into the blood spilled yesterday , the blood that was to mingle with theirs to morrow was already set apart . two score and twelve were told off . from the farmer general of seventy , whose riches could not buy his life , to the seamstress of twenty , whose poverty and obscurity could not save her . physical diseases , engendered in the vices and neglects of men , will seize on victims of all degrees and the frightful moral disorder , born of unspeakable suffering , intolerable oppression , and heartless indifference , smote equally without distinction . charles darnay , alone in a cell , had sustained himself with no flattering delusion since he came to it from the tribunal . in every line of the narrative he had heard , he had heard his condemnation . he had fully comprehended that no personal influence could possibly save him , that he was virtually sentenced by the millions , and that units could avail him nothing . nevertheless , it was not easy , with the face of his beloved wife fresh before him , to compose his mind to what it must bear . his hold on life was strong , and it was very , hard , to loosen by gradual efforts and degrees unclosed a little here , it clenched the tighter there and when he brought his strength to bear on that hand and it yielded , this was closed again . there was a hurry , too , in all his thoughts , a turbulent and heated working of his heart , that contended against resignation . if , for a moment , he did feel resigned , then his wife and child who had to live after him , seemed to protest and to make it a selfish thing . but , all this was at first . before long , the consideration that there was no disgrace in the fate he must meet , and that numbers went the same road wrongfully , and trod it firmly every day , sprang up to stimulate him . next followed the thought that much of the future peace of mind enjoyable by the dear ones , depended on his quiet fortitude . so , by degrees he calmed into the better state , when he could raise his thoughts much higher , and draw comfort down . before it had set in dark on the night of his condemnation , he had travelled thus far on his last way . being allowed to purchase the means of writing , and a light , he sat down to write until such time as the prison lamps should be extinguished . he wrote a long letter to lucie , showing her that he had known nothing of her fathers imprisonment , until he had heard of it from herself , and that he had been as ignorant as she of his fathers and uncles responsibility for that misery , until the paper had been read . he had already explained to her that his concealment from herself of the name he had relinquished , was the one condition  intelligible now  her father had attached to their betrothal , and was the one promise he had still exacted on the morning of their marriage . he entreated her , for her fathers sake , never to seek to know whether her father had become oblivious of the existence of the paper , or had it recalled to him by the story of the tower , on that old sunday under the dear old plane tree in the garden . if he had preserved any definite remembrance of it , there could be no doubt that he had supposed it destroyed with the bastille , when he had found no mention of it among the relics of prisoners which the populace had discovered there , and which had been described to all the world . he besought her  he added that he knew it was needless  console her father , by impressing him through every tender means she could think of , with the truth that he had done nothing for which he could justly reproach himself , but had uniformly forgotten himself for their joint sakes . next to her preservation of his own last grateful love and blessing , and her overcoming of her sorrow , to devote herself to their dear child , he adjured her , as they would meet in heaven , to comfort her father . to her father himself , he wrote in the same strain but , he told her father that he expressly confided his wife and child to his care . and he told him this , very strongly , with the hope of rousing him from any despondency or dangerous retrospect towards which he foresaw he might be tending . to mr . lorry , he commended them all , and explained his worldly affairs . that done , with many added sentences of grateful friendship and warm attachment , all was done . he never thought of carton . his mind was so full of the others , that he never once thought of him . he had time to finish these letters before the lights were put out . when he lay down on his straw bed , he thought he had done with this world . but , it beckoned him back in his sleep , and showed itself in shining forms . free and happy , back in the old house in soho though it had nothing in it like the real house , unaccountably released and light of heart , he was with lucie again , and she told him it was all a dream , and he had never gone away . a pause of forgetfulness , and then he had even suffered , and had come back to her , dead and at peace , and yet there was no difference in him . another pause of oblivion , and he awoke in the sombre morning , unconscious where he was or what had happened , until it flashed upon his mind , this is the day of my death . thus , had he come through the hours , to the day when the fifty two heads were to fall . and now , while he was composed , and hoped that he could meet the end with quiet heroism , a new action began in his waking thoughts , which was very difficult to master . he had never seen the instrument that was to terminate his life . how high it was from the ground , how many steps it had , where he would be stood , how he would be touched , whether the touching hands would be dyed red , which way his face would be turned , whether he would be the first , or might be the last these and many similar questions , in nowise directed by his will , obtruded themselves over and over again , countless times . neither were they connected with fear he was conscious of no fear . rather , they originated in a strange besetting desire to know what to do when the time came a desire gigantically disproportionate to the few swift moments to which it referred a wondering that was more like the wondering of some other spirit within his , than his own . the hours went on as he walked to and fro , and the clocks struck the numbers he would never hear again . nine gone for ever , ten gone for ever , eleven gone for ever , twelve coming on to pass away . after a hard contest with that eccentric action of thought which had last perplexed him , he had got the better of it . he walked up and down , softly repeating their names to himself . the worst of the strife was over . he could walk up and down , free from distracting fancies , praying for himself and for them . twelve gone for ever . he had been apprised that the final hour was three , and he knew he would be summoned some time earlier , inasmuch as the tumbrils jolted heavily and slowly through the streets . therefore , he resolved to keep two before his mind , as the hour , and so to strengthen himself in the interval that he might be able , after that time , to strengthen others . walking regularly to and fro with his arms folded on his breast , a very different man from the prisoner , who had walked to and fro at la force , he heard one struck away from him , without surprise . the hour had measured like most other hours . devoutly thankful to heaven for his recovered self possession, , he thought , there is but another now , and turned to walk again . footsteps in the stone passage outside the door . he stopped . the key was put in the lock , and turned . before the door was opened , or as it opened , a man said in a low voice , in english he has never seen me here i have kept out of his way . go you in alone i wait near . lose no time . the door was quickly opened and closed , and there stood before him face to face , quiet , intent upon him , with the light of a smile on his features , and a cautionary finger on his lip , sydney carton . there was something so bright and remarkable in his look , that , for the first moment , the prisoner misdoubted him to be an apparition of his own imagining . but , he spoke , and it was his voice he took the prisoners hand , and it was his real grasp . of all the people upon earth , you least expected to see me . he said . i could not believe it to be you . i can scarcely believe it now . you are not  apprehension came suddenly into his mind  prisoner . no . i am accidentally possessed of a power over one of the keepers here , and in virtue of it i stand before you . i come from her  wife , dear darnay . the prisoner wrung his hand . i bring you a request from her . what is it . a most earnest , pressing , and emphatic entreaty , addressed to you in the most pathetic tones of the voice so dear to you , that you well remember . the prisoner turned his face partly aside . you have no time to ask me why i bring it , or what it means i have no time to tell you . you must comply with it  off those boots you wear , and draw on these of mine . there was a chair against the wall of the cell , behind the prisoner . carton , pressing forward , had already , with the speed of lightning , got him down into it , and stood over him , barefoot . draw on these boots of mine . put your hands to them put your will to them . quick . carton , there is no escaping from this place it never can be done . you will only die with me . it is madness . it would be madness if i asked you to escape but do i . when i ask you to pass out at that door , tell me it is madness and remain here . change that cravat for this of mine , that coat for this of mine . while you do it , let me take this ribbon from your hair , and shake out your hair like this of mine . with wonderful quickness , and with a strength both of will and action , that appeared quite supernatural , he forced all these changes upon him . the prisoner was like a young child in his hands . carton . dear carton . it is madness . it cannot be accomplished , it never can be done , it has been attempted , and has always failed . i implore you not to add your death to the bitterness of mine . do i ask you , my dear darnay , to pass the door . when i ask that , refuse . there are pen and ink and paper on this table . is your hand steady enough to write . it was when you came in . steady it again , and write what i shall dictate . quick , friend , quick . pressing his hand to his bewildered head , darnay sat down at the table . carton , with his right hand in his breast , stood close beside him . write exactly as i speak . to whom do i address it . to no one . carton still had his hand in his breast . do i date it . no . the prisoner looked up , at each question . carton , standing over him with his hand in his breast , looked down . if you remember , said carton , dictating , the words that passed between us , long ago , you will readily comprehend this when you see it . you do remember them , i know . it is not in your nature to forget them . he was drawing his hand from his breast the prisoner chancing to look up in his hurried wonder as he wrote , the hand stopped , closing upon something . have you written forget them . carton asked . i have . is that a weapon in your hand . no i am not armed . what is it in your hand . you shall know directly . write on there are but a few words more . he dictated again . i am thankful that the time has come , when i can prove them . that i do so is no subject for regret or grief . as he said these words with his eyes fixed on the writer , his hand slowly and softly moved down close to the writers face . the pen dropped from darnays fingers on the table , and he looked about him vacantly . what vapour is that . he asked . vapour . something that crossed me . i am conscious of nothing there can be nothing here . take up the pen and finish . hurry , . as if his memory were impaired , or his faculties disordered , the prisoner made an effort to rally his attention . as he looked at carton with clouded eyes and with an altered manner of breathing , carton  hand again in his breast  steadily at him . hurry , . the prisoner bent over the paper , once more . if it had been otherwise cartons hand was again watchfully and softly stealing down i never should have used the longer opportunity . if it had been otherwise the hand was at the prisoners face i should but have had so much the more to answer for . if it had been otherwise  carton looked at the pen and saw it was trailing off into unintelligible signs . cartons hand moved back to his breast no more . the prisoner sprang up with a reproachful look , but cartons hand was close and firm at his nostrils , and cartons left arm caught him round the waist . for a few seconds he faintly struggled with the man who had come to lay down his life for him but , within a minute or so , he was stretched insensible on the ground . quickly , but with hands as true to the purpose as his heart was , carton dressed himself in the clothes the prisoner had laid aside , combed back his hair , and tied it with the ribbon the prisoner had worn . then , he softly called , enter there . come in . and the spy presented himself . you see . said carton , looking up , as he kneeled on one knee beside the insensible figure , putting the paper in the breast is your hazard very great . mr . carton , the spy answered , with a timid snap of his fingers , my hazard is not that , in the thick of business here , if you are true to the whole of your bargain . dont fear me . i will be true to the death . you must be , mr . carton , if the tale of fifty two is to be right . being made right by you in that dress , i shall have no fear . have no fear . i shall soon be out of the way of harming you , and the rest will soon be far from here , please god . now , get assistance and take me to the coach . you . said the spy nervously . him , man , with whom i have exchanged . you go out at the gate by which you brought me in . of course . i was weak and faint when you brought me in , and i am fainter now you take me out . the parting interview has overpowered me . such a thing has happened here , often , and too often . your life is in your own hands . quick . call assistance . you swear not to betray me . said the trembling spy , as he paused for a last moment . man , . returned carton , stamping his foot have i sworn by no solemn vow already , to go through with this , that you waste the precious moments now . take him yourself to the courtyard you know of , place him yourself in the carriage , show him yourself to mr . lorry , tell him yourself to give him no restorative but air , and to remember my words of last night , and his promise of last night , and drive away . the spy withdrew , and carton seated himself at the table , resting his forehead on his hands . the spy returned immediately , with two men . how , then . said one of them , contemplating the fallen figure . so afflicted to find that his friend has drawn a prize in the lottery of sainte guillotine . a good patriot , said the other , could hardly have been more afflicted if the aristocrat had drawn a blank . they raised the unconscious figure , placed it on a litter they had brought to the door , and bent to carry it away . the time is short , evremonde , said the spy , in a warning voice . i know it well , answered carton . be careful of my friend , i entreat you , and leave me . come , then , my children , said barsad . lift him , and come away . the door closed , and carton was left alone . straining his powers of listening to the utmost , he listened for any sound that might denote suspicion or alarm . there was none . keys turned , doors clashed , footsteps passed along distant passages no cry was raised , or hurry made , that seemed unusual . breathing more freely in a little while , he sat down at the table , and listened again until the clock struck two . sounds that he was not afraid of , for he divined their meaning , then began to be audible . several doors were opened in succession , and finally his own . a gaoler , with a list in his hand , looked in , merely saying , follow me , evremonde . and he followed into a large dark room , at a distance . it was a dark winter day , and what with the shadows within , and what with the shadows without , he could but dimly discern the others who were brought there to have their arms bound . some were standing some seated . some were lamenting , and in restless motion but , these were few . the great majority were silent and still , looking fixedly at the ground . as he stood by the wall in a dim corner , while some of the fifty two were brought in after him , one man stopped in passing , to embrace him , as having a knowledge of him . it thrilled him with a great dread of discovery but the man went on . a very few moments after that , a young woman , with a slight girlish form , a sweet spare face in which there was no vestige of colour , and large widely opened patient eyes , rose from the seat where he had observed her sitting , and came to speak to him . citizen evremonde , she said , touching him with her cold hand . i am a poor little seamstress , who was with you in la force . he murmured for answer true . i forget what you were accused of . plots . though the just heaven knows that i am innocent of any . is it likely . who would think of plotting with a poor little weak creature like me . the forlorn smile with which she said it , so touched him , that tears started from his eyes . i am not afraid to die , citizen evremonde , but i have done nothing . i am not unwilling to die , if the republic which is to do so much good to us poor , will profit by my death but i do not know how that can be , citizen evremonde . such a poor weak little creature . as the last thing on earth that his heart was to warm and soften to , it warmed and softened to this pitiable girl . i heard you were released , citizen evremonde . i hoped it was true . it was . but , i was again taken and condemned . if i may ride with you , citizen evremonde , will you let me hold your hand . i am not afraid , but i am little and weak , and it will give me more courage . as the patient eyes were lifted to his face , he saw a sudden doubt in them , and then astonishment . he pressed the work worn, , hunger worn young fingers , and touched his lips . are you dying for him . she whispered . and his wife and child . hush . yes . o you will let me hold your brave hand , stranger . hush . yes , my poor sister to the last . the same shadows that are falling on the prison , are falling , in that same hour of the early afternoon , on the barrier with the crowd about it , when a coach going out of paris drives up to be examined . who goes here . whom have we within . papers . the papers are handed out , and read . alexandre manette . physician . french . which is he . this is he this helpless , inarticulately murmuring , wandering old man pointed out . apparently the citizen doctor is not in his right mind . the revolution fever will have been too much for him . greatly too much for him . hah . many suffer with it . lucie . his daughter . french . which is she . this is she . apparently it must be . lucie , the wife of evremonde is it not . it is . hah . evremonde has an assignation elsewhere . lucie , her child . english . this is she . she and no other . kiss me , child of evremonde . now , thou hast kissed a good republican something new in thy family remember it . sydney carton . advocate . english . which is he . he lies here , in this corner of the carriage . he , too , is pointed out . apparently the english advocate is in a swoon . it is hoped he will recover in the fresher air . it is represented that he is not in strong health , and has separated sadly from a friend who is under the displeasure of the republic . is that all . it is not a great deal , that . many are under the displeasure of the republic , and must look out at the little window . jarvis lorry . banker . english . which is he . i am he . necessarily , being the last . it is jarvis lorry who has replied to all the previous questions . it is jarvis lorry who has alighted and stands with his hand on the coach door , replying to a group of officials . they leisurely walk round the carriage and leisurely mount the box , to look at what little luggage it carries on the roof the country people hanging about , press nearer to the coach doors and greedily stare in a little child , carried by its mother , has its short arm held out for it , that it may touch the wife of an aristocrat who has gone to the guillotine . behold your papers , jarvis lorry , countersigned . one can depart , citizen . one can depart . forward , my postilions . a good journey . i salute you , citizens . the first danger passed . these are again the words of jarvis lorry , as he clasps his hands , and looks upward . there is terror in the carriage , there is weeping , there is the heavy breathing of the insensible traveller . are we not going too slowly . can they not be induced to go faster . asks lucie , clinging to the old man . it would seem like flight , my darling . i must not urge them too much it would rouse suspicion . look back , look back , and see if we are pursued . the road is clear , my dearest . so far , we are not pursued . houses in twos and threes pass by us , solitary farms , ruinous buildings , dye works, , tanneries , and the like , open country , avenues of leafless trees . the hard uneven pavement is under us , the soft deep mud is on either side . sometimes , we strike into the skirting mud , to avoid the stones that clatter us and shake us sometimes , we stick in ruts and sloughs there . the agony of our impatience is then so great , that in our wild alarm and hurry we are for getting out and running  anything but stopping . out of the open country , in again among ruinous buildings , solitary farms , dye works, , tanneries , and the like , cottages in twos and threes , avenues of leafless trees . have these men deceived us , and taken us back by another road . is not this the same place twice over . thank heaven , no . a village . look back , look back , and see if we are pursued . hush . the posting house . leisurely , our four horses are taken out leisurely , the coach stands in the little street , bereft of horses , and with no likelihood upon it of ever moving again leisurely , the new horses come into visible existence , one by one leisurely , the new postilions follow , sucking and plaiting the lashes of their whips leisurely , the old postilions count their money , make wrong additions , and arrive at dissatisfied results . all the time , our overfraught hearts are beating at a rate that would far outstrip the fastest gallop of the fastest horses ever foaled . at length the new postilions are in their saddles , and the old are left behind . we are through the village , up the hill , and down the hill , and on the low watery grounds . suddenly , the postilions exchange speech with animated gesticulation , and the horses are pulled up , almost on their haunches . we are pursued . ho . within the carriage there . speak then . what is it . asks mr . lorry , looking out at window . how many did they say . i do not understand you . the last post . how many to the guillotine to day . fifty two . i said so . a brave number . my fellow citizen here would have it forty two ten more heads are worth having . the guillotine goes handsomely . i love it . hi forward . whoop . the night comes on dark . he moves more he is beginning to revive , and to speak intelligibly he thinks they are still together he asks him , by his name , what he has in his hand . o pity us , kind heaven , and help us . look out , look out , and see if we are pursued . the wind is rushing after us , and the clouds are flying after us , and the moon is plunging after us , and the whole wild night is in pursuit of us but , so far , we are pursued by nothing else . xiv . the knitting done in that same juncture of time when the fifty two awaited their fate madame defarge held darkly ominous council with the vengeance and jacques three of the revolutionary jury . not in the wine shop did madame defarge confer with these ministers , but in the shed of the wood sawyer, , erst a mender of roads . the sawyer himself did not participate in the conference , but abided at a little distance , like an outer satellite who was not to speak until required , or to offer an opinion until invited . but our defarge , said jacques three , is undoubtedly a good republican . eh . there is no better , the voluble vengeance protested in her shrill notes , in france . peace , little vengeance , said madame defarge , laying her hand with a slight frown on her lieutenants lips , hear me speak . my husband , fellow citizen, , is a good republican and a bold man he has deserved well of the republic , and possesses its confidence . but my husband has his weaknesses , and he is so weak as to relent towards this doctor . it is a great pity , croaked jacques three , dubiously shaking his head , with his cruel fingers at his hungry mouth it is not quite like a good citizen it is a thing to regret . see you , said madame , i care nothing for this doctor , i . he may wear his head or lose it , for any interest i have in him it is all one to me . but , the evremonde people are to be exterminated , and the wife and child must follow the husband and father . she has a fine head for it , croaked jacques three . i have seen blue eyes and golden hair there , and they looked charming when samson held them up . ogre that he was , he spoke like an epicure . madame defarge cast down her eyes , and reflected a little . the child also , observed jacques three , with a meditative enjoyment of his words , has golden hair and blue eyes . and we seldom have a child there . it is a pretty sight . in a word , said madame defarge , coming out of her short abstraction , i cannot trust my husband in this matter . not only do i feel , since last night , that i dare not confide to him the details of my projects but also i feel that if i delay , there is danger of his giving warning , and then they might escape . that must never be , croaked jacques three no one must escape . we have not half enough as it is . we ought to have six score a day . in a word , madame defarge went on , my husband has not my reason for pursuing this family to annihilation , and i have not his reason for regarding this doctor with any sensibility . i must act for myself , therefore . come hither , little citizen . the wood sawyer, , who held her in the respect , and himself in the submission , of mortal fear , advanced with his hand to his red cap . touching those signals , little citizen , said madame defarge , sternly , that she made to the prisoners you are ready to bear witness to them this very day . ay , why not . cried the sawyer . every day , in all weathers , from two to four , always signalling , sometimes with the little one , sometimes without . i know what i know . i have seen with my eyes . he made all manner of gestures while he spoke , as if in incidental imitation of some few of the great diversity of signals that he had never seen . clearly plots , said jacques three . transparently . there is no doubt of the jury . inquired madame defarge , letting her eyes turn to him with a gloomy smile . rely upon the patriotic jury , dear citizeness . i answer for my fellow jurymen . now , let me see , said madame defarge , pondering again . yet once more . can i spare this doctor to my husband . i have no feeling either way . can i spare him . he would count as one head , observed jacques three , in a low voice . we really have not heads enough it would be a pity , i think . he was signalling with her when i saw her , argued madame defarge i cannot speak of one without the other and i must not be silent , and trust the case wholly to him , this little citizen here . for , i am not a bad witness . the vengeance and jacques three vied with each other in their fervent protestations that she was the most admirable and marvellous of witnesses . the little citizen , not to be outdone , declared her to be a celestial witness . he must take his chance , said madame defarge . no , i cannot spare him . you are engaged at three oclock you are going to see the batch of to day executed .  . the question was addressed to the wood sawyer, , who hurriedly replied in the affirmative seizing the occasion to add that he was the most ardent of republicans , and that he would be in effect the most desolate of republicans , if anything prevented him from enjoying the pleasure of smoking his afternoon pipe in the contemplation of the droll national barber . he was so very demonstrative herein , that he might have been suspected perhaps was , by the dark eyes that looked contemptuously at him out of madame defarges head of having his small individual fears for his own personal safety , every hour in the day . i , said madame , am equally engaged at the same place . after it is over  at eight to night you to me , in saint antoine , and we will give information against these people at my section . the wood sawyer said he would be proud and flattered to attend the citizeness . the citizeness looking at him , he became embarrassed , evaded her glance as a small dog would have done , retreated among his wood , and hid his confusion over the handle of his saw . madame defarge beckoned the juryman and the vengeance a little nearer to the door , and there expounded her further views to them thus she will now be at home , awaiting the moment of his death . she will be mourning and grieving . she will be in a state of mind to impeach the justice of the republic . she will be full of sympathy with its enemies . i will go to her . what an admirable woman what an adorable woman . exclaimed jacques three , rapturously . ah , my cherished . cried the vengeance and embraced her . take you my knitting , said madame defarge , placing it in her lieutenants hands , and have it ready for me in my usual seat . keep me my usual chair . go you there , straight , for there will probably be a greater concourse than usual , to day . i willingly obey the orders of my chief , said the vengeance with alacrity , and kissing her cheek . you will not be late . i shall be there before the commencement . and before the tumbrils arrive . be sure you are there , my soul , said the vengeance , calling after her , for she had already turned into the street , before the tumbrils arrive . madame defarge slightly waved her hand , to imply that she heard , and might be relied upon to arrive in good time , and so went through the mud , and round the corner of the prison wall . the vengeance and the juryman , looking after her as she walked away , were highly appreciative of her fine figure , and her superb moral endowments . there were many women at that time , upon whom the time laid a dreadfully disfiguring hand but , there was not one among them more to be dreaded than this ruthless woman , now taking her way along the streets . of a strong and fearless character , of shrewd sense and readiness , of great determination , of that kind of beauty which not only seems to impart to its possessor firmness and animosity , but to strike into others an instinctive recognition of those qualities the troubled time would have heaved her up , under any circumstances . but , imbued from her childhood with a brooding sense of wrong , and an inveterate hatred of a class , opportunity had developed her into a tigress . she was absolutely without pity . if she had ever had the virtue in her , it had quite gone out of her . it was nothing to her , that an innocent man was to die for the sins of his forefathers she saw , not him , but them . it was nothing to her , that his wife was to be made a widow and his daughter an orphan that was insufficient punishment , because they were her natural enemies and her prey , and as such had no right to live . to appeal to her , was made hopeless by her having no sense of pity , even for herself . if she had been laid low in the streets , in any of the many encounters in which she had been engaged , she would not have pitied herself nor , if she had been ordered to the axe to morrow, , would she have gone to it with any softer feeling than a fierce desire to change places with the man who sent her there . such a heart madame defarge carried under her rough robe . carelessly worn , it was a becoming robe enough , in a certain weird way , and her dark hair looked rich under her coarse red cap . lying hidden in her bosom , was a loaded pistol . lying hidden at her waist , was a sharpened dagger . thus accoutred , and walking with the confident tread of such a character , and with the supple freedom of a woman who had habitually walked in her girlhood , bare foot and bare legged, , on the brown sea sand, , madame defarge took her way along the streets . now , when the journey of the travelling coach , at that very moment waiting for the completion of its load , had been planned out last night , the difficulty of taking miss pross in it had much engaged mr . lorrys attention . it was not merely desirable to avoid overloading the coach , but it was of the highest importance that the time occupied in examining it and its passengers , should be reduced to the utmost since their escape might depend on the saving of only a few seconds here and there . finally , he had proposed , after anxious consideration , that miss pross and jerry , who were at liberty to leave the city , should leave it at three oclock in the lightest wheeled conveyance known to that period . unencumbered with luggage , they would soon overtake the coach , and , passing it and preceding it on the road , would order its horses in advance , and greatly facilitate its progress during the precious hours of the night , when delay was the most to be dreaded . seeing in this arrangement the hope of rendering real service in that pressing emergency , miss pross hailed it with joy . she and jerry had beheld the coach start , had known who it was that solomon brought , had passed some ten minutes in tortures of suspense , and were now concluding their arrangements to follow the coach , even as madame defarge , taking her way through the streets , now drew nearer and nearer to the else deserted lodging in which they held their consultation . now what do you think , mr . cruncher , said miss pross , whose agitation was so great that she could hardly speak , or stand , or move , or live what do you think of our not starting from this courtyard . another carriage having already gone from here to day, , it might awaken suspicion . my opinion , miss , returned mr . cruncher , is as youre right . likewise wot ill stand by you , right or wrong . i am so distracted with fear and hope for our precious creatures , said miss pross , wildly crying , that i am incapable of forming any plan . are you capable of forming any plan , my dear good mr . cruncher . respectin a future spear o life , miss , returned mr . cruncher , i hope so . respectin any present use o this here blessed old head o mine , i think not . would you do me the favour , miss , to take notice o two promises and wows wot it is my wishes fur to record in this here crisis . oh , for gracious sake . cried miss pross , still wildly crying , record them at once , and get them out of the way , like an excellent man . first , said mr . cruncher , who was all in a tremble , and who spoke with an ashy and solemn visage , them poor things well out o this , never no more will i do it , never no more . i am quite sure , mr . cruncher , returned miss pross , that you never will do it again , whatever it is , and i beg you not to think it necessary to mention more particularly what it is . no , miss , returned jerry , it shall not be named to you . second them poor things well out o this , and never no more will i interfere with mrs . crunchers flopping , never no more . whatever housekeeping arrangement that may be , said miss pross , striving to dry her eyes and compose herself , i have no doubt it is best that mrs . cruncher should have it entirely under her own superintendence . my poor darlings . i go so far as to say , miss , moreover , proceeded mr . cruncher , with a most alarming tendency to hold forth as from a pulpit  let my words be took down and took to mrs . cruncher through yourself  wot my opinions respectin flopping has undergone a change , and that wot i only hope with all my heart as mrs . cruncher may be a flopping at the present time . there , . i hope she is , my dear man , cried the distracted miss pross , and i hope she finds it answering her expectations . forbid it , proceeded mr . cruncher , with additional solemnity , additional slowness , and additional tendency to hold forth and hold out , as anything wot i have ever said or done should be wisited on my earnest wishes for them poor creeturs now . forbid it as we shouldnt all flop to get em out o this here dismal risk . forbid it , miss . wot i say , for bid it . this was mr . crunchers conclusion after a protracted but vain endeavour to find a better one . and still madame defarge , pursuing her way along the streets , came nearer and nearer . if we ever get back to our native land , said miss pross , you may rely upon my telling mrs . cruncher as much as i may be able to remember and understand of what you have so impressively said and at all events you may be sure that i shall bear witness to your being thoroughly in earnest at this dreadful time . now , pray let us think . my esteemed mr . cruncher , let us think . still , madame defarge , pursuing her way along the streets , came nearer and nearer . if you were to go before , said miss pross , and stop the vehicle and horses from coming here , and were to wait somewhere for me wouldnt that be best . mr . cruncher thought it might be best . where could you wait for me . asked miss pross . mr . cruncher was so bewildered that he could think of no locality but temple bar . alas . temple bar was hundreds of miles away , and madame defarge was drawing very near indeed . by the cathedral door , said miss pross . would it be much out of the way , to take me in , near the great cathedral door between the two towers . no , miss , answered mr . cruncher . then , like the best of men , said miss pross , go to the posting house straight , and make that change . i am doubtful , said mr . cruncher , hesitating and shaking his head , about leaving of you , see . we dont know what may happen . heaven knows we dont , returned miss pross , but have no fear for me . take me in at the cathedral , at three oclock , or as near it as you can , and i am sure it will be better than our going from here . i feel certain of it . there . bless you , mr . cruncher . think not of me , but of the lives that may depend on both of us . this exordium , and miss prosss two hands in quite agonised entreaty clasping his , decided mr . cruncher . with an encouraging nod or two , he immediately went out to alter the arrangements , and left her by herself to follow as she had proposed . the having originated a precaution which was already in course of execution , was a great relief to miss pross . the necessity of composing her appearance so that it should attract no special notice in the streets , was another relief . she looked at her watch , and it was twenty minutes past two . she had no time to lose , but must get ready at once . afraid , in her extreme perturbation , of the loneliness of the deserted rooms , and of half imagined faces peeping from behind every open door in them , miss pross got a basin of cold water and began laving her eyes , which were swollen and red . haunted by her feverish apprehensions , she could not bear to have her sight obscured for a minute at a time by the dripping water , but constantly paused and looked round to see that there was no one watching her . in one of those pauses she recoiled and cried out , for she saw a figure standing in the room . the basin fell to the ground broken , and the water flowed to the feet of madame defarge . by strange stern ways , and through much staining blood , those feet had come to meet that water . madame defarge looked coldly at her , and said , the wife of evremonde where is she . it flashed upon miss prosss mind that the doors were all standing open , and would suggest the flight . her first act was to shut them . there were four in the room , and she shut them all . she then placed herself before the door of the chamber which lucie had occupied . madame defarges dark eyes followed her through this rapid movement , and rested on her when it was finished . miss pross had nothing beautiful about her years had not tamed the wildness , or softened the grimness , of her appearance but , she too was a determined woman in her different way , and she measured madame defarge with her eyes , every inch . you might , from your appearance , be the wife of lucifer , said miss pross , in her breathing . nevertheless , you shall not get the better of me . i am an englishwoman . madame defarge looked at her scornfully , but still with something of miss prosss own perception that they two were at bay . she saw a tight , hard , wiry woman before her , as mr . lorry had seen in the same figure a woman with a strong hand , in the years gone by . she knew full well that miss pross was the familys devoted friend miss pross knew full well that madame defarge was the familys malevolent enemy . on my way yonder , said madame defarge , with a slight movement of her hand towards the fatal spot , where they reserve my chair and my knitting for me , i am come to make my compliments to her in passing . i wish to see her . i know that your intentions are evil , said miss pross , and you may depend upon it , ill hold my own against them . each spoke in her own language neither understood the others words both were very watchful , and intent to deduce from look and manner , what the unintelligible words meant . it will do her no good to keep herself concealed from me at this moment , said madame defarge . good patriots will know what that means . let me see her . go tell her that i wish to see her . do you hear . if those eyes of yours were bed winches, , returned miss pross , and i was an english four poster, , they shouldnt loose a splinter of me . no , you wicked foreign woman i am your match . madame defarge was not likely to follow these idiomatic remarks in detail but , she so far understood them as to perceive that she was set at naught . woman imbecile and pig like . said madame defarge , frowning . i take no answer from you . i demand to see her . either tell her that i demand to see her , or stand out of the way of the door and let me go to her . this , with an angry explanatory wave of her right arm . i little thought , said miss pross , that i should ever want to understand your nonsensical language but i would give all i have , except the clothes i wear , to know whether you suspect the truth , or any part of it . neither of them for a single moment released the others eyes . madame defarge had not moved from the spot where she stood when miss pross first became aware of her but , she now advanced one step . i am a briton , said miss pross , i am desperate . i dont care an english twopence for myself . i know that the longer i keep you here , the greater hope there is for my ladybird . ill not leave a handful of that dark hair upon your head , if you lay a finger on me . thus miss pross , with a shake of her head and a flash of her eyes between every rapid sentence , and every rapid sentence a whole breath . thus miss pross , who had never struck a blow in her life . but , her courage was of that emotional nature that it brought the irrepressible tears into her eyes . this was a courage that madame defarge so little comprehended as to mistake for weakness . ha , . she laughed , you poor wretch . what are you worth . i address myself to that doctor . then she raised her voice and called out , citizen doctor . wife of evremonde . child of evremonde . any person but this miserable fool , answer the citizeness defarge . perhaps the following silence , perhaps some latent disclosure in the expression of miss prosss face , perhaps a sudden misgiving apart from either suggestion , whispered to madame defarge that they were gone . three of the doors she opened swiftly , and looked in . those rooms are all in disorder , there has been hurried packing , there are odds and ends upon the ground . there is no one in that room behind you . let me look . never . said miss pross , who understood the request as perfectly as madame defarge understood the answer . if they are not in that room , they are gone , and can be pursued and brought back , said madame defarge to herself . as long as you dont know whether they are in that room or not , you are uncertain what to do , said miss pross to herself and you shall not know that , if i can prevent your knowing it and know that , or not know that , you shall not leave here while i can hold you . i have been in the streets from the first , nothing has stopped me , i will tear you to pieces , but i will have you from that door , said madame defarge . we are alone at the top of a high house in a solitary courtyard , we are not likely to be heard , and i pray for bodily strength to keep you here , while every minute you are here is worth a hundred thousand guineas to my darling , said miss pross . madame defarge made at the door . miss pross , on the instinct of the moment , seized her round the waist in both her arms , and held her tight . it was in vain for madame defarge to struggle and to strike miss pross , with the vigorous tenacity of love , always so much stronger than hate , clasped her tight , and even lifted her from the floor in the struggle that they had . the two hands of madame defarge buffeted and tore her face but , miss pross , with her head down , held her round the waist , and clung to her with more than the hold of a drowning woman . soon , madame defarges hands ceased to strike , and felt at her encircled waist . it is under my arm , said miss pross , in smothered tones , you shall not draw it . i am stronger than you , i bless heaven for it . i hold you till one or other of us faints or dies . madame defarges hands were at her bosom . miss pross looked up , saw what it was , struck at it , struck out a flash and a crash , and stood alone  with smoke . all this was in a second . as the smoke cleared , leaving an awful stillness , it passed out on the air , like the soul of the furious woman whose body lay lifeless on the ground . in the first fright and horror of her situation , miss pross passed the body as far from it as she could , and ran down the stairs to call for fruitless help . happily , she bethought herself of the consequences of what she did , in time to check herself and go back . it was dreadful to go in at the door again but , she did go in , and even went near it , to get the bonnet and other things that she must wear . these she put on , out on the staircase , first shutting and locking the door and taking away the key . she then sat down on the stairs a few moments to breathe and to cry , and then got up and hurried away . by good fortune she had a veil on her bonnet , or she could hardly have gone along the streets without being stopped . by good fortune , too , she was naturally so peculiar in appearance as not to show disfigurement like any other woman . she needed both advantages , for the marks of gripping fingers were deep in her face , and her hair was torn , and her dress was clutched and dragged a hundred ways . in crossing the bridge , she dropped the door key in the river . arriving at the cathedral some few minutes before her escort , and waiting there , she thought , what if the key were already taken in a net , what if it were identified , what if the door were opened and the remains discovered , what if she were stopped at the gate , sent to prison , and charged with murder . in the midst of these fluttering thoughts , the escort appeared , took her in , and took her away . is there any noise in the streets . she asked him . the usual noises , mr . cruncher replied and looked surprised by the question and by her aspect . i dont hear you , said miss pross . what do you say . it was in vain for mr . cruncher to repeat what he said miss pross could not hear him . so ill nod my head , thought mr . cruncher , amazed , at all events shell see that . and she did . is there any noise in the streets now . asked miss pross again , presently . again mr . cruncher nodded his head . i dont hear it . gone deaf in an hour . said mr . cruncher , ruminating , with his mind much disturbed wots come to her . i feel , said miss pross , as if there had been a flash and a crash , and that crash was the last thing i should ever hear in this life . blest if she aint in a queer condition . said mr . cruncher , more and more disturbed . wot can she have been a takin , to keep her courage up . hark . theres the roll of them dreadful carts . you can hear that , miss . i can hear , said miss pross , seeing that he spoke to her , nothing . o , my good man , there was first a great crash , and then a great stillness , and that stillness seems to be fixed and unchangeable , never to be broken any more as long as my life lasts . if she dont hear the roll of those dreadful carts , now very nigh their journeys end , said mr . cruncher , glancing over his shoulder , its my opinion that indeed she never will hear anything else in this world . and indeed she never did . xv . the footsteps die out for ever along the paris streets , the death carts rumble , hollow and harsh . six tumbrils carry the days wine to la guillotine . all the devouring and insatiate monsters imagined since imagination could record itself , are fused in the one realisation , guillotine . and yet there is not in france , with its rich variety of soil and climate , a blade , a leaf , a root , a sprig , a peppercorn , which will grow to maturity under conditions more certain than those that have produced this horror . crush humanity out of shape once more , under similar hammers , and it will twist itself into the same tortured forms . sow the same seed of rapacious license and oppression over again , and it will surely yield the same fruit according to its kind . six tumbrils roll along the streets . change these back again to what they were , thou powerful enchanter , time , and they shall be seen to be the carriages of absolute monarchs , the equipages of feudal nobles , the toilettes of flaring jezebels , the churches that are not my fathers house but dens of thieves , the huts of millions of starving peasants . no the great magician who majestically works out the appointed order of the creator , never reverses his transformations . if thou be changed into this shape by the will of god , say the seers to the enchanted , in the wise arabian stories , then remain so . but , if thou wear this form through mere passing conjuration , then resume thy former aspect . changeless and hopeless , the tumbrils roll along . as the sombre wheels of the six carts go round , they seem to plough up a long crooked furrow among the populace in the streets . ridges of faces are thrown to this side and to that , and the ploughs go steadily onward . so used are the regular inhabitants of the houses to the spectacle , that in many windows there are no people , and in some the occupation of the hands is not so much as suspended , while the eyes survey the faces in the tumbrils . here and there , the inmate has visitors to see the sight then he points his finger , with something of the complacency of a curator or authorised exponent , to this cart and to this , and seems to tell who sat here yesterday , and who there the day before . of the riders in the tumbrils , some observe these things , and all things on their last roadside , with an impassive stare others , with a lingering interest in the ways of life and men . some , seated with drooping heads , are sunk in silent despair again , there are some so heedful of their looks that they cast upon the multitude such glances as they have seen in theatres , and in pictures . several close their eyes , and think , or try to get their straying thoughts together . only one , and he a miserable creature , of a crazed aspect , is so shattered and made drunk by horror , that he sings , and tries to dance . not one of the whole number appeals by look or gesture , to the pity of the people . there is a guard of sundry horsemen riding abreast of the tumbrils , and faces are often turned up to some of them , and they are asked some question . it would seem to be always the same question , for , it is always followed by a press of people towards the third cart . the horsemen abreast of that cart , frequently point out one man in it with their swords . the leading curiosity is , to know which is he stands at the back of the tumbril with his head bent down , to converse with a mere girl who sits on the side of the cart , and holds his hand . he has no curiosity or care for the scene about him , and always speaks to the girl . here and there in the long street of st . honore , cries are raised against him . if they move him at all , it is only to a quiet smile , as he shakes his hair a little more loosely about his face . he cannot easily touch his face , his arms being bound . on the steps of a church , awaiting the coming up of the tumbrils , stands the spy and prison sheep . he looks into the first of them not there . he looks into the second not there . he already asks himself , has he sacrificed me . when his face clears , as he looks into the third . which is evremonde . says a man behind him . that . at the back there . with his hand in the girls . yes . the man cries , down , evremonde . to the guillotine all aristocrats . down , evremonde . hush , . the spy entreats him , timidly . and why not , citizen . he is going to pay the forfeit it will be paid in five minutes more . let him be at peace . but the man continuing to exclaim , down , evremonde . the face of evremonde is for a moment turned towards him . evremonde then sees the spy , and looks attentively at him , and goes his way . the clocks are on the stroke of three , and the furrow ploughed among the populace is turning round , to come on into the place of execution , and end . the ridges thrown to this side and to that , now crumble in and close behind the last plough as it passes on , for all are following to the guillotine . in front of it , seated in chairs , as in a garden of public diversion , are a number of women , busily knitting . on one of the fore most chairs , stands the vengeance , looking about for her friend . therese . she cries , in her shrill tones . who has seen her . therese defarge . she never missed before , says a knitting woman of the sisterhood . no nor will she miss now , cries the vengeance , petulantly . therese . louder , the woman recommends . ay . louder , vengeance , much louder , and still she will scarcely hear thee . louder yet , vengeance , with a little oath or so added , and yet it will hardly bring her . send other women up and down to seek her , lingering somewhere and yet , although the messengers have done dread deeds , it is questionable whether of their own wills they will go far enough to find her . bad fortune . cries the vengeance , stamping her foot in the chair , and here are the tumbrils . and evremonde will be despatched in a wink , and she not here . see her knitting in my hand , and her empty chair ready for her . i cry with vexation and disappointment . as the vengeance descends from her elevation to do it , the tumbrils begin to discharge their loads . the ministers of sainte guillotine are robed and ready . crash . head is held up , and the knitting women who scarcely lifted their eyes to look at it a moment ago when it could think and speak , count one . the second tumbril empties and moves on the third comes up . crash . the knitting women, , never faltering or pausing in their work , count two . the supposed evremonde descends , and the seamstress is lifted out next after him . he has not relinquished her patient hand in getting out , but still holds it as he promised . he gently places her with her back to the crashing engine that constantly whirrs up and falls , and she looks into his face and thanks him . but for you , dear stranger , i should not be so composed , for i am naturally a poor little thing , faint of heart nor should i have been able to raise my thoughts to him who was put to death , that we might have hope and comfort here to day . i think you were sent to me by heaven . or you to me , says sydney carton . keep your eyes upon me , dear child , and mind no other object . i mind nothing while i hold your hand . i shall mind nothing when i let it go , if they are rapid . they will be rapid . fear not . the two stand in the fast thinning throng of victims , but they speak as if they were alone . eye to eye , voice to voice , hand to hand , heart to heart , these two children of the universal mother , else so wide apart and differing , have come together on the dark highway , to repair home together , and to rest in her bosom . brave and generous friend , will you let me ask you one last question . i am very ignorant , and it troubles me  a little . tell me what it is . i have a cousin , an only relative and an orphan , like myself , whom i love very dearly . she is five years younger than i , and she lives in a farmers house in the south country . poverty parted us , and she knows nothing of my fate  i cannot write  if i could , how should i tell her . it is better as it is . yes , better as it is . what i have been thinking as we came along , and what i am still thinking now , as i look into your kind strong face which gives me so much support , is this  the republic really does good to the poor , and they come to be less hungry , and in all ways to suffer less , she may live a long time she may even live to be old . what then , my gentle sister . do you think the uncomplaining eyes in which there is so much endurance , fill with tears , and the lips part a little more and tremble that it will seem long to me , while i wait for her in the better land where i trust both you and i will be mercifully sheltered . it cannot be , my child there is no time there , and no trouble there . you comfort me so much . i am so ignorant . am i to kiss you now . is the moment come . yes . she kisses his lips he kisses hers they solemnly bless each other . the spare hand does not tremble as he releases it nothing worse than a sweet , bright constancy is in the patient face . she goes next before him  gone the knitting women count twenty two . i am the resurrection and the life , saith the lord he that believeth in me , though he were dead , yet shall he live and whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die . the murmuring of many voices , the upturning of many faces , the pressing on of many footsteps in the outskirts of the crowd , so that it swells forward in a mass , like one great heave of water , all flashes away . twenty three . they said of him , about the city that night , that it was the peacefullest mans face ever beheld there . many added that he looked sublime and prophetic . one of the most remarkable sufferers by the same axe  woman  asked at the foot of the same scaffold , not long before , to be allowed to write down the thoughts that were inspiring her . if he had given any utterance to his , and they were prophetic , they would have been these i see barsad , and cly , defarge , the vengeance , the juryman , the judge , long ranks of the new oppressors who have risen on the destruction of the old , perishing by this retributive instrument , before it shall cease out of its present use . i see a beautiful city and a brilliant people rising from this abyss , and , in their struggles to be truly free , in their triumphs and defeats , through long years to come , i see the evil of this time and of the previous time of which this is the natural birth , gradually making expiation for itself and wearing out . i see the lives for which i lay down my life , peaceful , useful , prosperous and happy , in that england which i shall see no more . i see her with a child upon her bosom , who bears my name . i see her father , aged and bent , but otherwise restored , and faithful to all men in his healing office , and at peace . i see the good old man , so long their friend , in ten years time enriching them with all he has , and passing tranquilly to his reward . i see that i hold a sanctuary in their hearts , and in the hearts of their descendants , generations hence . i see her , an old woman , weeping for me on the anniversary of this day . i see her and her husband , their course done , lying side by side in their last earthly bed , and i know that each was not more honoured and held sacred in the others soul , than i was in the souls of both . i see that child who lay upon her bosom and who bore my name , a man winning his way up in that path of life which once was mine . i see him winning it so well , that my name is made illustrious there by the light of his . i see the blots i threw upon it , faded away . i see him , fore most of just judges and honoured men , bringing a boy of my name , with a forehead that i know and golden hair , to this place  fair to look upon , with not a trace of this days disfigurement  i hear him tell the child my story , with a tender and a faltering voice . it is a far , better thing that i do , than i have ever done it is a far , better rest that i go to than i have ever known . i do not find it easy to get sufficiently far away from this book , in the first sensations of having finished it , to refer to it with the composure which this formal heading would seem to require . my interest in it , is so recent and strong and my mind is so divided between pleasure and regret  in the achievement of a long design , regret in the separation from many companions  i am in danger of wearying the reader whom i love , with personal confidences , and private emotions . besides which , all that i could say of the story , to any purpose , i have endeavoured to say in it . it would concern the reader little , perhaps , to know , how sorrowfully the pen is laid down at the close of a two years imaginative task or how an author feels as if he were dismissing some portion of himself into the shadowy world , when a crowd of the creatures of his brain are going from him for ever . yet , i have nothing else to tell unless , indeed , i were to confess that no one can ever believe this narrative , in the reading , more than i have believed it in the writing . instead of looking back , therefore , i will look forward . i cannot close this volume more agreeably to myself , than with a hopeful glance towards the time when i shall again put forth my two green leaves once a month , and with a faithful remembrance of the genial sun and showers that have fallen on these leaves of david copperfield , and made me happy . london , october , . preface to the charles dickens edition i remarked in the original preface to this book , that i did not find it easy to get sufficiently far away from it , in the first sensations of having finished it , to refer to it with the composure which this formal heading would seem to require . my interest in it was so recent and strong , and my mind was so divided between pleasure and regret  in the achievement of a long design , regret in the separation from many companions  i was in danger of wearying the reader with personal confidences and private emotions . besides which , all that i could have said of the story to any purpose , i had endeavoured to say in it . it would concern the reader little , perhaps , to know how sorrowfully the pen is laid down at the close of a two years imaginative task or how an author feels as if he were dismissing some portion of himself into the shadowy world , when a crowd of the creatures of his brain are going from him for ever . yet , i had nothing else to tell unless , indeed , i were to confess that no one can ever believe this narrative , in the reading , more than i believed it in the writing . so true are these avowals at the present day , that i can now only take the reader into one confidence more . of all my books , i like this the best . it will be easily believed that i am a fond parent to every child of my fancy , and that no one can ever love that family as dearly as i love them . but , like many fond parents , i have in my heart of hearts a favourite child . and his name is david copperfield . the personal history and experience of david copperfield the younger chapter . i am born whether i shall turn out to be the hero of my own life , or whether that station will be held by anybody else , these pages must show . to begin my life with the beginning of my life , i record that i was born as i have been informed and believe on a friday , at twelve oclock at night . it was remarked that the clock began to strike , and i began to cry , simultaneously . in consideration of the day and hour of my birth , it was declared by the nurse , and by some sage women in the neighbourhood who had taken a lively interest in me several months before there was any possibility of our becoming personally acquainted , first , that i was destined to be unlucky in life and secondly , that i was privileged to see ghosts and spirits both these gifts inevitably attaching , as they believed , to all unlucky infants of either gender , born towards the small hours on a friday night . i need say nothing here , on the first head , because nothing can show better than my history whether that prediction was verified or falsified by the result . on the second branch of the question , i will only remark , that unless i ran through that part of my inheritance while i was still a baby , i have not come into it yet . but i do not at all complain of having been kept out of this property and if anybody else should be in the present enjoyment of it , he is heartily welcome to keep it . i was born with a caul , which was advertised for sale , in the newspapers , at the low price of fifteen guineas . whether sea going people were short of money about that time , or were short of faith and preferred cork jackets , i dont know all i know is , that there was but one solitary bidding , and that was from an attorney connected with the bill broking business , who offered two pounds in cash , and the balance in sherry , but declined to be guaranteed from drowning on any higher bargain . consequently the advertisement was withdrawn at a dead loss  as to sherry , my poor dear mothers own sherry was in the market then  ten years afterwards , the caul was put up in a raffle down in our part of the country , to fifty members at half a a head , the winner to spend five shillings . i was present myself , and i remember to have felt quite uncomfortable and confused , at a part of myself being disposed of in that way . the caul was won , i recollect , by an old lady with a hand basket, , who , very reluctantly , produced from it the stipulated five shillings , all in halfpence , and twopence halfpenny short  it took an immense time and a great waste of arithmetic , to endeavour without any effect to prove to her . it is a fact which will be long remembered as remarkable down there , that she was never drowned , but died triumphantly in bed , at ninety two . i have understood that it was , to the last , her proudest boast , that she never had been on the water in her life , except upon a bridge and that over her tea to which she was extremely partial she , to the last , expressed her indignation at the impiety of mariners and others , who had the presumption to go meandering about the world . it was in vain to represent to her that some conveniences , tea perhaps included , resulted from this objectionable practice . she always returned , with greater emphasis and with an instinctive knowledge of the strength of her objection , let us have no meandering . not to meander myself , at present , i will go back to my birth . i was born at blunderstone , in suffolk , or there by , as they say in scotland . i was a posthumous child . my fathers eyes had closed upon the light of this world six months , when mine opened on it . there is something strange to me , even now , in the reflection that he never saw me and something stranger yet in the shadowy remembrance that i have of my first childish associations with his white grave stone in the churchyard , and of the indefinable compassion i used to feel for it lying out alone there in the dark night , when our little parlour was warm and bright with fire and candle , and the doors of our house were  cruelly , it seemed to me sometimes  and locked against it . an aunt of my fathers , and consequently a great aunt of mine , of whom i shall have more to relate by and by , was the principal magnate of our family . miss trotwood , or miss betsey , as my poor mother always called her , when she sufficiently overcame her dread of this formidable personage to mention her at all had been married to a husband younger than herself , who was very handsome , except in the sense of the homely adage , handsome is , that handsome does  he was strongly suspected of having beaten miss betsey , and even of having once , on a disputed question of supplies , made some hasty but determined arrangements to throw her out of a two pair of stairs window . these evidences of an incompatibility of temper induced miss betsey to pay him off , and effect a separation by mutual consent . he went to india with his capital , and there , according to a wild legend in our family , he was once seen riding on an elephant , in company with a baboon but i think it must have been a baboo  a begum . anyhow , from india tidings of his death reached home , within ten years . how they affected my aunt , nobody knew for immediately upon the separation , she took her maiden name again , bought a cottage in a hamlet on the sea coast a long way off , established herself there as a single woman with one servant , and was understood to live secluded , ever afterwards , in an inflexible retirement . my father had once been a favourite of hers , i believe but she was mortally affronted by his marriage , on the ground that my mother was a wax doll . she had never seen my mother , but she knew her to be not yet twenty . my father and miss betsey never met again . he was double my mothers age when he married , and of but a delicate constitution . he died a year afterwards , and , as i have said , six months before i came into the world . this was the state of matters , on the afternoon of , what i may be excused for calling , that eventful and important friday . i can make no claim therefore to have known , at that time , how matters stood or to have any remembrance , founded on the evidence of my own senses , of what follows . my mother was sitting by the fire , but poorly in health , and very low in spirits , looking at it through her tears , and desponding heavily about herself and the fatherless little stranger , who was already welcomed by some grosses of prophetic pins , in a drawer upstairs , to a world not at all excited on the subject of his arrival my mother , i say , was sitting by the fire , that bright , windy march afternoon , very timid and sad , and very doubtful of ever coming alive out of the trial that was before her , when , lifting her eyes as she dried them , to the window opposite , she saw a strange lady coming up the garden . my mother had a sure foreboding at the second glance , that it was miss betsey . the setting sun was glowing on the strange lady , over the garden fence, , and she came walking up to the door with a fell rigidity of figure and composure of countenance that could have belonged to nobody else . when she reached the house , she gave another proof of her identity . my father had often hinted that she seldom conducted herself like any ordinary christian and now , instead of ringing the bell , she came and looked in at that identical window , pressing the end of her nose against the glass to that extent , that my poor dear mother used to say it became perfectly flat and white in a moment . she gave my mother such a turn , that i have always been convinced i am indebted to miss betsey for having been born on a friday . my mother had left her chair in her agitation , and gone behind it in the corner . miss betsey , looking round the room , slowly and inquiringly , began on the other side , and carried her eyes on , like a saracens head in a dutch clock , until they reached my mother . then she made a frown and a gesture to my mother , like one who was accustomed to be obeyed , to come and open the door . my mother went . mrs . david copperfield , i think , said miss betsey the emphasis referring , perhaps , to my mothers mourning weeds , and her condition . yes , said my mother , faintly . miss trotwood , said the visitor . you have heard of her , i dare say . my mother answered she had that pleasure . and she had a disagreeable consciousness of not appearing to imply that it had been an overpowering pleasure . now you see her , said miss betsey . my mother bent her head , and begged her to walk in . they went into the parlour my mother had come from , the fire in the best room on the other side of the passage not being lighted  having been lighted , indeed , since my fathers funeral and when they were both seated , and miss betsey said nothing , my mother , after vainly trying to restrain herself , began to cry . oh tut , . said miss betsey , in a hurry . dont do that . come , . my mother couldnt help it notwithstanding , so she cried until she had her cry out . take off your cap , child , said miss betsey , and let me see you . my mother was too much afraid of her to refuse compliance with this odd request , if she had any disposition to do so . therefore she did as she was told , and did it with such nervous hands that her hair which was luxuriant and beautiful fell all about her face . why , bless my heart . exclaimed miss betsey . you are a very baby . my mother was , no doubt , unusually youthful in appearance even for her years she hung her head , as if it were her fault , poor thing , and said , sobbing , that indeed she was afraid she was but a childish widow , and would be but a childish mother if she lived . in a short pause which ensued , she had a fancy that she felt miss betsey touch her hair , and that with no ungentle hand but , looking at her , in her timid hope , she found that lady sitting with the skirt of her dress tucked up , her hands folded on one knee , and her feet upon the fender , frowning at the fire . in the name of heaven , said miss betsey , suddenly , why rookery . do you mean the house , maam . asked my mother . why rookery . said miss betsey . cookery would have been more to the purpose , if you had any practical ideas of life , either of you . the name was mr . copperfields choice , returned my mother . when he bought the house , he liked to think that there were rooks about it . the evening wind made such a disturbance just now , among some tall old elm trees at the bottom of the garden , that neither my mother nor miss betsey could forbear glancing that way . as the elms bent to one another , like giants who were whispering secrets , and after a few seconds of such repose , fell into a violent flurry , tossing their wild arms about , as if their late confidences were really too wicked for their peace of mind , some weatherbeaten ragged old rooks nests, , burdening their higher branches , swung like wrecks upon a stormy sea . where are the birds . asked miss betsey . the  . my mother had been thinking of something else . the rooks  has become of them . asked miss betsey . there have not been any since we have lived here , said my mother . we thought  . copperfield thought  was quite a large rookery but the nests were very old ones , and the birds have deserted them a long while . david copperfield all over . cried miss betsey . david copperfield from head to foot . calls a house a rookery when theres not a rook near it , and takes the birds on trust , because he sees the nests . mr . copperfield , returned my mother , is dead , and if you dare to speak unkindly of him to me  my poor dear mother , i suppose , had some momentary intention of committing an assault and battery upon my aunt , who could easily have settled her with one hand , even if my mother had been in far better training for such an encounter than she was that evening . but it passed with the action of rising from her chair and she sat down again very meekly , and fainted . when she came to herself , or when miss betsey had restored her , whichever it was , she found the latter standing at the window . the twilight was by this time shading down into darkness and dimly as they saw each other , they could not have done that without the aid of the fire . well . said miss betsey , coming back to her chair , as if she had only been taking a casual look at the prospect and when do you expect  i am all in a tremble , faltered my mother . i dont know whats the matter . i shall die , i am sure . no , said miss betsey . have some tea . oh dear me , dear me , do you think it will do me any good . cried my mother in a helpless manner . of course it will , said miss betsey . its nothing but fancy . what do you call your girl . i dont know that it will be a girl , yet , maam , said my mother innocently . bless the baby . exclaimed miss betsey , unconsciously quoting the second sentiment of the pincushion in the drawer upstairs , but applying it to my mother instead of me , i dont mean that . i mean your servant girl . peggotty , said my mother . peggotty . repeated miss betsey , with some indignation . do you mean to say , child , that any human being has gone into a christian church , and got herself named peggotty . its her surname , said my mother , faintly . mr . copperfield called her by it , because her christian name was the same as mine . here . peggotty . cried miss betsey , opening the parlour door . tea . your mistress is a little unwell . dont dawdle . having issued this mandate with as much potentiality as if she had been a recognized authority in the house ever since it had been a house , and having looked out to confront the amazed peggotty coming along the passage with a candle at the sound of a strange voice , miss betsey shut the door again , and sat down as before with her feet on the fender , the skirt of her dress tucked up , and her hands folded on one knee . you were speaking about its being a girl , said miss betsey . i have no doubt it will be a girl . i have a presentiment that it must be a girl . now child , from the moment of the birth of this girl  perhaps boy , my mother took the liberty of putting in . i tell you i have a presentiment that it must be a girl , returned miss betsey . dont contradict . from the moment of this girls birth , child , i intend to be her friend . i intend to be her godmother , and i beg youll call her betsey trotwood copperfield . there must be no mistakes in life with this betsey trotwood . there must be no trifling with her affections , poor dear . she must be well brought up , and well guarded from reposing any foolish confidences where they are not deserved . i must make that my care . there was a twitch of miss betseys head , after each of these sentences , as if her own old wrongs were working within her , and she repressed any plainer reference to them by strong constraint . so my mother suspected , at least , as she observed her by the low glimmer of the fire too much scared by miss betsey , too uneasy in herself , and too subdued and bewildered altogether , to observe anything very clearly , or to know what to say . and was david good to you , child . asked miss betsey , when she had been silent for a little while , and these motions of her head had gradually ceased . were you comfortable together . we were very happy , said my mother . mr . copperfield was only too good to me . what , he spoilt you , i suppose . returned miss betsey . for being quite alone and dependent on myself in this rough world again , yes , i fear he did indeed , sobbed my mother . well . dont cry . said miss betsey . you were not equally matched , child  any two people can be equally matched  so i asked the question . you were an orphan , werent you . yes . and a governess . i was nursery governess in a family where mr . copperfield came to visit . mr . copperfield was very kind to me , and took a great deal of notice of me , and paid me a good deal of attention , and at last proposed to me . and i accepted him . and so we were married , said my mother simply . ha . poor baby . mused miss betsey , with her frown still bent upon the fire . do you know anything . i beg your pardon , maam , faltered my mother . about keeping house , for instance , said miss betsey . not much , i fear , returned my mother . not so much as i could wish . but mr . copperfield was teaching me  much he knew about it himself . said miss betsey in a parenthesis . i hope i should have improved , being very anxious to learn , and he very patient to teach me , if the great misfortune of his death  mother broke down again here , and could get no farther . well , . said miss betsey . kept my housekeeping book regularly , and balanced it with mr . copperfield every night , cried my mother in another burst of distress , and breaking down again . well , . said miss betsey . dont cry any more . i am sure we never had a word of difference respecting it , except when mr . copperfield objected to my threes and fives being too much like each other , or to my putting curly tails to my sevens and nines , resumed my mother in another burst , and breaking down again . youll make yourself ill , said miss betsey , and you know that will not be good either for you or for my god daughter . come . you mustnt do it . this argument had some share in quieting my mother , though her increasing indisposition had a larger one . there was an interval of silence , only broken by miss betseys occasionally ejaculating ha . as she sat with her feet upon the fender . david had bought an annuity for himself with his money , i know , said she , by and by . what did he do for you . mr . copperfield , said my mother , answering with some difficulty , was so considerate and good as to secure the reversion of a part of it to me . how much . asked miss betsey . a hundred and five pounds a year , said my mother . he might have done worse , said my aunt . the word was appropriate to the moment . my mother was so much worse that peggotty , coming in with the teaboard and candles , and seeing at a glance how ill she was  , miss betsey might have done sooner if there had been light enough  , her upstairs to her own room with all speed and immediately dispatched ham peggotty , her nephew , who had been for some days past secreted in the house , unknown to my mother , as a special messenger in case of emergency , to fetch the nurse and doctor . those allied powers were considerably astonished , when they arrived within a few minutes of each other , to find an unknown lady of portentous appearance , sitting before the fire , with her bonnet tied over her left arm , stopping her ears with jewellers cotton . peggotty knowing nothing about her , and my mother saying nothing about her , she was quite a mystery in the parlour and the fact of her having a magazine of jewellers cotton in her pocket , and sticking the article in her ears in that way , did not detract from the solemnity of her presence . the doctor having been upstairs and come down again , and having satisfied himself , i suppose , that there was a probability of this unknown lady and himself having to sit there , face to face , for some hours , laid himself out to be polite and social . he was the meekest of his sex , the mildest of little men . he sidled in and out of a room , to take up the less space . he walked as softly as the ghost in hamlet , and more slowly . he carried his head on one side , partly in modest depreciation of himself , partly in modest propitiation of everybody else . it is nothing to say that he hadnt a word to throw at a dog . he couldnt have thrown a word at a mad dog . he might have offered him one gently , or half a one , or a fragment of one for he spoke as slowly as he walked but he wouldnt have been rude to him , and he couldnt have been quick with him , for any earthly consideration . mr . chillip , looking mildly at my aunt with his head on one side , and making her a little bow , said , in allusion to the jewellers cotton , as he softly touched his left ear some local irritation , maam . what . replied my aunt , pulling the cotton out of one ear like a cork . mr . chillip was so alarmed by her abruptness  he told my mother afterwards  it was a mercy he didnt lose his presence of mind . but he repeated sweetly some local irritation , maam . nonsense . replied my aunt , and corked herself again , at one blow . mr . chillip could do nothing after this , but sit and look at her feebly , as she sat and looked at the fire , until he was called upstairs again . after some quarter of an hours absence , he returned . well . said my aunt , taking the cotton out of the ear nearest to him . well , maam , returned mr . chillip , we are  progressing slowly , maam . ba  . said my aunt , with a perfect shake on the contemptuous interjection . and corked herself as before . really  mr . chillip told my mother , he was almost shocked speaking in a professional point of view alone , he was almost shocked . but he sat and looked at her , notwithstanding , for nearly two hours , as she sat looking at the fire , until he was again called out . after another absence , he again returned . well . said my aunt , taking out the cotton on that side again . well , maam , returned mr . chillip , we are  progressing slowly , maam . ya  . said my aunt . with such a snarl at him , that mr . chillip absolutely could not bear it . it was really calculated to break his spirit , he said afterwards . he preferred to go and sit upon the stairs , in the dark and a strong draught , until he was again sent for . ham peggotty , who went to the national school , and was a very dragon at his catechism , and who may therefore be regarded as a credible witness , reported next day , that happening to peep in at the parlour door an hour after this , he was instantly descried by miss betsey , then walking to and fro in a state of agitation , and pounced upon before he could make his escape . that there were now occasional sounds of feet and voices overhead which he inferred the cotton did not exclude , from the circumstance of his evidently being clutched by the lady as a victim on whom to expend her superabundant agitation when the sounds were loudest . that , marching him constantly up and down by the collar as if he had been taking too much laudanum , she , at those times , shook him , rumpled his hair , made light of his linen , stopped his ears as if she confounded them with her own , and otherwise tousled and maltreated him . this was in part confirmed by his aunt , who saw him at half past twelve oclock , soon after his release , and affirmed that he was then as red as i was . the mild mr . chillip could not possibly bear malice at such a time , if at any time . he sidled into the parlour as soon as he was at liberty , and said to my aunt in his meekest manner well , maam , i am happy to congratulate you . what upon . said my aunt , sharply . mr . chillip was fluttered again , by the extreme severity of my aunts manner so he made her a little bow and gave her a little smile , to mollify her . mercy on the man , whats he doing . cried my aunt , impatiently . cant he speak . be calm , my dear maam , said mr . chillip , in his softest accents . there is no longer any occasion for uneasiness , maam . be calm . it has since been considered almost a miracle that my aunt didnt shake him , and shake what he had to say , out of him . she only shook her own head at him , but in a way that made him quail . well , maam , resumed mr . chillip , as soon as he had courage , i am happy to congratulate you . all is now over , maam , and well over . during the five minutes or so that mr . chillip devoted to the delivery of this oration , my aunt eyed him narrowly . how is she . said my aunt , folding her arms with her bonnet still tied on one of them . well , maam , she will soon be quite comfortable , i hope , returned mr . chillip . quite as comfortable as we can expect a young mother to be , under these melancholy domestic circumstances . there cannot be any objection to your seeing her presently , maam . it may do her good . and she . how is she . said my aunt , sharply . mr . chillip laid his head a little more on one side , and looked at my aunt like an amiable bird . the baby , said my aunt . how is she . maam , returned mr . chillip , i apprehended you had known . its a boy . my aunt said never a word , but took her bonnet by the strings , in the manner of a sling , aimed a blow at mr . chillips head with it , put it on bent , walked out , and never came back . she vanished like a discontented fairy or like one of those supernatural beings , whom it was popularly supposed i was entitled to see and never came back any more . no . i lay in my basket , and my mother lay in her bed but betsey trotwood copperfield was for ever in the land of dreams and shadows , the tremendous region whence i had so lately travelled and the light upon the window of our room shone out upon the earthly bourne of all such travellers , and the mound above the ashes and the dust that once was he , without whom i had never been . chapter . i observe the first objects that assume a distinct presence before me , as i look far back , into the blank of my infancy , are my mother with her pretty hair and youthful shape , and peggotty with no shape at all , and eyes so dark that they seemed to darken their whole neighbourhood in her face , and cheeks and arms so hard and red that i wondered the birds didnt peck her in preference to apples . i believe i can remember these two at a little distance apart , dwarfed to my sight by stooping down or kneeling on the floor , and i going unsteadily from the one to the other . i have an impression on my mind which i cannot distinguish from actual remembrance , of the touch of peggottys forefinger as she used to hold it out to me , and of its being roughened by needlework , like a pocket nutmeg grater . this may be fancy , though i think the memory of most of us can go farther back into such times than many of us suppose just as i believe the power of observation in numbers of very young children to be quite wonderful for its closeness and accuracy . indeed , i think that most grown men who are remarkable in this respect , may with greater propriety be said not to have lost the faculty , than to have acquired it the rather , as i generally observe such men to retain a certain freshness , and gentleness , and capacity of being pleased , which are also an inheritance they have preserved from their childhood . i might have a misgiving that i am meandering in stopping to say this , but that it brings me to remark that i build these conclusions , in part upon my own experience of myself and if it should appear from anything i may set down in this narrative that i was a child of close observation , or that as a man i have a strong memory of my childhood , i undoubtedly lay claim to both of these characteristics . looking back , as i was saying , into the blank of my infancy , the first objects i can remember as standing out by themselves from a confusion of things , are my mother and peggotty . what else do i remember . let me see . there comes out of the cloud , our house  new to me , but quite familiar , in its earliest remembrance . on the ground floor is peggottys kitchen , opening into a back yard with a pigeon house on a pole , in the centre , without any pigeons in it a great dog kennel in a corner , without any dog and a quantity of fowls that look terribly tall to me , walking about , in a menacing and ferocious manner . there is one cock who gets upon a post to crow , and seems to take particular notice of me as i look at him through the kitchen window , who makes me shiver , he is so fierce . of the geese outside the side gate who come waddling after me with their long necks stretched out when i go that way , i dream at night as a man environed by wild beasts might dream of lions . here is a long passage  an enormous perspective i make of it . from peggottys kitchen to the front door . a dark store room opens out of it , and that is a place to be run past at night for i dont know what may be among those tubs and jars and old tea chests, , when there is nobody in there with a dimly burning light , letting a mouldy air come out of the door , in which there is the smell of soap , pickles , pepper , candles , and coffee , all at one whiff . then there are the two parlours the parlour in which we sit of an evening , my mother and i and peggotty  is quite our companion , when her work is done and we are alone  the best parlour where we sit on a sunday grandly , but not so comfortably . there is something of a doleful air about that room to me , for peggotty has told me  dont know when , but apparently ages ago  my fathers funeral , and the company having their black cloaks put on . one sunday night my mother reads to peggotty and me in there , how lazarus was raised up from the dead . and i am so frightened that they are afterwards obliged to take me out of bed , and show me the quiet churchyard out of the bedroom window , with the dead all lying in their graves at rest , below the solemn moon . there is nothing half so green that i know anywhere , as the grass of that churchyard nothing half so shady as its trees nothing half so quiet as its tombstones . the sheep are feeding there , when i kneel up , early in the morning , in my little bed in a closet within my mothers room , to look out at it and i see the red light shining on the sun dial, , and think within myself , is the sun dial glad , i wonder , that it can tell the time again . here is our pew in the church . what a high backed pew . with a window near it , out of which our house can be seen , and is seen many times during the mornings service , by peggotty , who likes to make herself as sure as she can that its not being robbed , or is not in flames . but though peggottys eye wanders , she is much offended if mine does , and frowns to me , as i stand upon the seat , that i am to look at the clergyman . but i cant always look at him  know him without that white thing on , and i am afraid of his wondering why i stare so , and perhaps stopping the service to inquire  what am i to do . its a dreadful thing to gape , but i must do something . i look at my mother , but she pretends not to see me . i look at a boy in the aisle , and he makes faces at me . i look at the sunlight coming in at the open door through the porch , and there i see a stray sheep  dont mean a sinner , but mutton  making up his mind to come into the church . i feel that if i looked at him any longer , i might be tempted to say something out loud and what would become of me then . i look up at the monumental tablets on the wall , and try to think of mr . bodgers late of this parish , and what the feelings of mrs . bodgers must have been , when affliction sore , long time mr . bodgers bore , and physicians were in vain . i wonder whether they called in mr . chillip , and he was in vain and if so , how he likes to be reminded of it once a week . i look from mr . chillip , in his sunday neckcloth , to the pulpit and think what a good place it would be to play in , and what a castle it would make , with another boy coming up the stairs to attack it , and having the velvet cushion with the tassels thrown down on his head . in time my eyes gradually shut up and , from seeming to hear the clergyman singing a drowsy song in the heat , i hear nothing , until i fall off the seat with a crash , and am taken out , more dead than alive , by peggotty . and now i see the outside of our house , with the latticed bedroom windows standing open to let in the sweet smelling air , and the ragged old rooks nests still dangling in the elm trees at the bottom of the front garden . now i am in the garden at the back , beyond the yard where the empty pigeon house and dog kennel are  very preserve of butterflies , as i remember it , with a high fence , and a gate and padlock where the fruit clusters on the trees , riper and richer than fruit has ever been since , in any other garden , and where my mother gathers some in a basket , while i stand by , bolting furtive gooseberries , and trying to look unmoved . a great wind rises , and the summer is gone in a moment . we are playing in the winter twilight , dancing about the parlour . when my mother is out of breath and rests herself in an elbow chair, , i watch her winding her bright curls round her fingers , and straitening her waist , and nobody knows better than i do that she likes to look so well , and is proud of being so pretty . that is among my very earliest impressions . that , and a sense that we were both a little afraid of peggotty , and submitted ourselves in most things to her direction , were among the first opinions  they may be so called  i ever derived from what i saw . peggotty and i were sitting one night by the parlour fire , alone . i had been reading to peggotty about crocodiles . i must have read very perspicuously , or the poor soul must have been deeply interested , for i remember she had a cloudy impression , after i had done , that they were a sort of vegetable . i was tired of reading , and dead sleepy but having leave , as a high treat , to sit up until my mother came home from spending the evening at a neighbours , i would rather have died upon my post than have gone to bed . i had reached that stage of sleepiness when peggotty seemed to swell and grow immensely large . i propped my eyelids open with my two forefingers , and looked perseveringly at her as she sat at work at the little bit of wax candle she kept for her thread  old it looked , being so wrinkled in all directions . the little house with a thatched roof , where the yard measure lived at her work box with a sliding lid , with a view of st . pauls cathedral painted on the top at the brass thimble on her finger at herself , whom i thought lovely . i felt so sleepy , that i knew if i lost sight of anything for a moment , i was gone . peggotty , says i , suddenly , were you ever married . lord , master davy , replied peggotty . whats put marriage in your head . she answered with such a start , that it quite awoke me . and then she stopped in her work , and looked at me , with her needle drawn out to its threads length . but were you ever married , peggotty . says i . you are a very handsome woman , ant you . i thought her in a different style from my mother , certainly but of another school of beauty , i considered her a perfect example . there was a red velvet footstool in the best parlour , on which my mother had painted a nosegay . the ground work of that stool , and peggottys complexion appeared to me to be one and the same thing . the stool was smooth , and peggotty was rough , but that made no difference . me handsome , davy . said peggotty . lawk , no , my dear . but what put marriage in your head . i dont know . mustnt marry more than one person at a time , may you , peggotty . certainly not , says peggotty , with the promptest decision . but if you marry a person , and the person dies , why then you may marry another person , maynt you , peggotty . you may , says peggotty , if you choose , my dear . thats a matter of opinion . but what is your opinion , peggotty . said i . i asked her , and looked curiously at her , because she looked so curiously at me . my opinion is , said peggotty , taking her eyes from me , after a little indecision and going on with her work , that i never was married myself , master davy , and that i dont expect to be . thats all i know about the subject . you ant cross , i suppose , peggotty , are you . said i , after sitting quiet for a minute . i really thought she was , she had been so short with me but i was quite mistaken for she laid aside her work and opening her arms wide , took my curly head within them , and gave it a good squeeze . i know it was a good squeeze , because , being very plump , whenever she made any little exertion after she was dressed , some of the buttons on the back of her gown flew off . and i recollect two bursting to the opposite side of the parlour , while she was hugging me . now let me hear some more about the crorkindills , said peggotty , who was not quite right in the name yet , for i ant heard half enough . i couldnt quite understand why peggotty looked so queer , or why she was so ready to go back to the crocodiles . however , we returned to those monsters , with fresh wakefulness on my part , and we left their eggs in the sand for the sun to hatch and we ran away from them , and baffled them by constantly turning , which they were unable to do quickly , on account of their unwieldy make and we went into the water after them , as natives , and put sharp pieces of timber down their throats and in short we ran the whole crocodile gauntlet . i did , at least but i had my doubts of peggotty , who was thoughtfully sticking her needle into various parts of her face and arms , all the time . we had exhausted the crocodiles , and begun with the alligators , when the garden bell rang . we went out to the door and there was my mother , looking unusually pretty , i thought , and with her a gentleman with beautiful black hair and whiskers , who had walked home with us from church last sunday . as my mother stooped down on the threshold to take me in her arms and kiss me , the gentleman said i was a more highly privileged little fellow than a monarch  something like that for my later understanding comes , i am sensible , to my aid here . what does that mean . i asked him , over her shoulder . he patted me on the head but somehow , i didnt like him or his deep voice , and i was jealous that his hand should touch my mothers in touching me  it did . i put it away , as well as i could . oh , davy . remonstrated my mother . dear boy . said the gentleman . i cannot wonder at his devotion . i never saw such a beautiful colour on my mothers face before . she gently chid me for being rude and , keeping me close to her shawl , turned to thank the gentleman for taking so much trouble as to bring her home . she put out her hand to him as she spoke , and , as he met it with his own , she glanced , i thought , at me . let us say good night , my fine boy , said the gentleman , when he had bent his head  saw him . my mothers little glove . good night . said i . come . let us be the best friends in the world . said the gentleman , laughing . shake hands . my right hand was in my mothers left , so i gave him the other . why , thats the wrong hand , davy . laughed the gentleman . my mother drew my right hand forward , but i was resolved , for my former reason , not to give it him , and i did not . i gave him the other , and he shook it heartily , and said i was a brave fellow , and went away . at this minute i see him turn round in the garden , and give us a last look with his ill omened black eyes , before the door was shut . peggotty , who had not said a word or moved a finger , secured the fastenings instantly , and we all went into the parlour . my mother , contrary to her usual habit , instead of coming to the elbow chair by the fire , remained at the other end of the room , and sat singing to herself . you have had a pleasant evening , maam , said peggotty , standing as stiff as a barrel in the centre of the room , with a candlestick in her hand . much obliged to you , peggotty , returned my mother , in a cheerful voice , i have had a very pleasant evening . a stranger or so makes an agreeable change , suggested peggotty . a very agreeable change , indeed , returned my mother . peggotty continuing to stand motionless in the middle of the room , and my mother resuming her singing , i fell asleep , though i was not so sound asleep but that i could hear voices , without hearing what they said . when i half awoke from this uncomfortable doze , i found peggotty and my mother both in tears , and both talking . not such a one as this , mr . copperfield wouldnt have liked , said peggotty . that i say , and that i swear . good heavens . cried my mother , youll drive me mad . was ever any poor girl so ill used by her servants as i am . why do i do myself the injustice of calling myself a girl . have i never been married , peggotty . god knows you have , maam , returned peggotty . then , how can you dare , said my mother  know i dont mean how can you dare , peggotty , but how can you have the heart  make me so uncomfortable and say such bitter things to me , when you are well aware that i havent , out of this place , a single friend to turn to . the mores the reason , returned peggotty , for saying that it wont do . no . that it wont do . no . no price could make it do . no . thought peggotty would have thrown the candlestick away , she was so emphatic with it . how can you be so aggravating , said my mother , shedding more tears than before , as to talk in such an unjust manner . how can you go on as if it was all settled and arranged , peggotty , when i tell you over and over again , you cruel thing , that beyond the commonest civilities nothing has passed . you talk of admiration . what am i to do . if people are so silly as to indulge the sentiment , is it my fault . what am i to do , i ask you . would you wish me to shave my head and black my face , or disfigure myself with a burn , or a scald , or something of that sort . i dare say you would , peggotty . i dare say youd quite enjoy it . peggotty seemed to take this aspersion very much to heart , i thought . and my dear boy , cried my mother , coming to the elbow chair in which i was , and caressing me , my own little davy . is it to be hinted to me that i am wanting in affection for my precious treasure , the dearest little fellow that ever was . nobody never went and hinted no such a thing , said peggotty . you did , peggotty . returned my mother . you know you did . what else was it possible to infer from what you said , you unkind creature , when you know as well as i do , that on his account only last quarter i wouldnt buy myself a new parasol , though that old green one is frayed the whole way up , and the fringe is perfectly mangy . you know it is , peggotty . you cant deny it . then , turning affectionately to me , with her cheek against mine , am i a naughty mama to you , davy . am i a nasty , cruel , selfish , bad mama . say i am , my child say yes , dear boy , and peggotty will love you and peggottys love is a great deal better than mine , davy . i dont love you at all , do i . at this , we all fell a crying together . i think i was the loudest of the party , but i am sure we were all sincere about it . i was quite heart broken myself , and am afraid that in the first transports of wounded tenderness i called peggotty a beast . that honest creature was in deep affliction , i remember , and must have become quite buttonless on the occasion for a little volley of those explosives went off , when , after having made it up with my mother , she kneeled down by the elbow chair, , and made it up with me . we went to bed greatly dejected . my sobs kept waking me , for a long time and when one very strong sob quite hoisted me up in bed , i found my mother sitting on the coverlet , and leaning over me . i fell asleep in her arms , after that , and slept soundly . whether it was the following sunday when i saw the gentleman again , or whether there was any greater lapse of time before he reappeared , i cannot recall . i dont profess to be clear about dates . but there he was , in church , and he walked home with us afterwards . he came in , too , to look at a famous geranium we had , in the parlour window . it did not appear to me that he took much notice of it , but before he went he asked my mother to give him a bit of the blossom . she begged him to choose it for himself , but he refused to do that  could not understand why  she plucked it for him , and gave it into his hand . he said he would never , part with it any more and i thought he must be quite a fool not to know that it would fall to pieces in a day or two . peggotty began to be less with us , of an evening , than she had always been . my mother deferred to her very much  than usual , it occurred to me  we were all three excellent friends still we were different from what we used to be , and were not so comfortable among ourselves . sometimes i fancied that peggotty perhaps objected to my mothers wearing all the pretty dresses she had in her drawers , or to her going so often to visit at that neighbours but i couldnt , to my satisfaction , make out how it was . gradually , i became used to seeing the gentleman with the black whiskers . i liked him no better than at first , and had the same uneasy jealousy of him but if i had any reason for it beyond a childs instinctive dislike , and a general idea that peggotty and i could make much of my mother without any help , it certainly was not the reason that i might have found if i had been older . no such thing came into my mind , or near it . i could observe , in little pieces , as it were but as to making a net of a number of these pieces , and catching anybody in it , that was , as yet , beyond me . one autumn morning i was with my mother in the front garden , when mr . murdstone  knew him by that name now  by , on horseback . he reined up his horse to salute my mother , and said he was going to lowestoft to see some friends who were there with a yacht , and merrily proposed to take me on the saddle before him if i would like the ride . the air was so clear and pleasant , and the horse seemed to like the idea of the ride so much himself , as he stood snorting and pawing at the garden gate, , that i had a great desire to go . so i was sent upstairs to peggotty to be made spruce and in the meantime mr . murdstone dismounted , and , with his horses bridle drawn over his arm , walked slowly up and down on the outer side of the sweetbriar fence , while my mother walked slowly up and down on the inner to keep him company . i recollect peggotty and i peeping out at them from my little window i recollect how closely they seemed to be examining the sweetbriar between them , as they strolled along and how , from being in a perfectly angelic temper , peggotty turned cross in a moment , and brushed my hair the wrong way , excessively hard . mr . murdstone and i were soon off , and trotting along on the green turf by the side of the road . he held me quite easily with one arm , and i dont think i was restless usually but i could not make up my mind to sit in front of him without turning my head sometimes , and looking up in his face . he had that kind of shallow black eye  want a better word to express an eye that has no depth in it to be looked into  , when it is abstracted , seems from some peculiarity of light to be disfigured , for a moment at a time , by a cast . several times when i glanced at him , i observed that appearance with a sort of awe , and wondered what he was thinking about so closely . his hair and whiskers were blacker and thicker , looked at so near , than even i had given them credit for being . a squareness about the lower part of his face , and the dotted indication of the strong black beard he shaved close every day , reminded me of the wax work that had travelled into our neighbourhood some half a before . this , his regular eyebrows , and the rich white , and black , and brown , of his complexion  his complexion , and his memory . me think him , in spite of my misgivings , a very handsome man . i have no doubt that my poor dear mother thought him so too . we went to an hotel by the sea , where two gentlemen were smoking cigars in a room by themselves . each of them was lying on at least four chairs , and had a large rough jacket on . in a corner was a heap of coats and boat cloaks, , and a flag , all bundled up together . they both rolled on to their feet in an untidy sort of manner , when we came in , and said , halloa , murdstone . we thought you were dead . not yet , said mr . murdstone . and whos this shaver . said one of the gentlemen , taking hold of me . thats davy , returned mr . murdstone . davy who . said the gentleman . jones . copperfield , said mr . murdstone . what . bewitching mrs . copperfields encumbrance . cried the gentleman . the pretty little widow . quinion , said mr . murdstone , take care , if you please . somebodys sharp . who is . asked the gentleman , laughing . i looked up , quickly being curious to know . only brooks of sheffield , said mr . murdstone . i was quite relieved to find that it was only brooks of sheffield for , at first , i really thought it was i . there seemed to be something very comical in the reputation of mr . brooks of sheffield , for both the gentlemen laughed heartily when he was mentioned , and mr . murdstone was a good deal amused also . after some laughing , the gentleman whom he had called quinion , said and what is the opinion of brooks of sheffield , in reference to the projected business . why , i dont know that brooks understands much about it at present , replied mr . murdstone but he is not generally favourable , i believe . there was more laughter at this , and mr . quinion said he would ring the bell for some sherry in which to drink to brooks . this he did and when the wine came , he made me have a little , with a biscuit , and , before i drank it , stand up and say , confusion to brooks of sheffield . the toast was received with great applause , and such hearty laughter that it made me laugh too at which they laughed the more . in short , we quite enjoyed ourselves . we walked about on the cliff after that , and sat on the grass , and looked at things through a telescope  could make out nothing myself when it was put to my eye , but i pretended i could  then we came back to the hotel to an early dinner . all the time we were out , the two gentlemen smoked incessantly  , i thought , if i might judge from the smell of their rough coats , they must have been doing , ever since the coats had first come home from the tailors . i must not forget that we went on board the yacht , where they all three descended into the cabin , and were busy with some papers . i saw them quite hard at work , when i looked down through the open skylight . they left me , during this time , with a very nice man with a very large head of red hair and a very small shiny hat upon it , who had got a cross barred shirt or waistcoat on , with skylark in capital letters across the chest . i thought it was his name and that as he lived on board ship and hadnt a street door to put his name on , he put it there instead but when i called him mr . skylark , he said it meant the vessel . i observed all day that mr . murdstone was graver and steadier than the two gentlemen . they were very gay and careless . they joked freely with one another , but seldom with him . it appeared to me that he was more clever and cold than they were , and that they regarded him with something of my own feeling . i remarked that , once or twice when mr . quinion was talking , he looked at mr . murdstone sideways , as if to make sure of his not being displeased and that once when mr . passnidge the other gentleman was in high spirits , he trod upon his foot , and gave him a secret caution with his eyes , to observe mr . murdstone , who was sitting stern and silent . nor do i recollect that mr . murdstone laughed at all that day , except at the sheffield joke  that , by the by , was his own . we went home early in the evening . it was a very fine evening , and my mother and he had another stroll by the sweetbriar , while i was sent in to get my tea . when he was gone , my mother asked me all about the day i had and what they had said and done . i mentioned what they had said about her , and she laughed , and told me they were impudent fellows who talked nonsense  i knew it pleased her . i knew it quite as well as i know it now . i took the opportunity of asking if she was at all acquainted with mr . brooks of sheffield , but she answered no , only she supposed he must be a manufacturer in the knife and fork way . can i say of her face  as i have reason to remember it , perished as i know it is  it is gone , when here it comes before me at this instant , as distinct as any face that i may choose to look on in a crowded street . can i say of her innocent and girlish beauty , that it faded , and was no more , when its breath falls on my cheek now , as it fell that night . can i say she ever changed , when my remembrance brings her back to life , thus only and , truer to its loving youth than i have been , or man ever is , still holds fast what it cherished then . i write of her just as she was when i had gone to bed after this talk , and she came to bid me good night . she kneeled down playfully by the side of the bed , and laying her chin upon her hands , and laughing , said what was it they said , davy . tell me again . i cant believe it . bewitching  i began . my mother put her hands upon my lips to stop me . it was never bewitching , she said , laughing . it never could have been bewitching , davy . now i know it wasnt . yes , it was . bewitching mrs . copperfield , i repeated stoutly . and , pretty . no , it was never pretty . not pretty , interposed my mother , laying her fingers on my lips again . yes it was . pretty little widow . what foolish , impudent creatures . cried my mother , laughing and covering her face . what ridiculous men . ant they . davy dear  well , ma . dont tell peggotty she might be angry with them . i am dreadfully angry with them myself but i would rather peggotty didnt know . i promised , of course and we kissed one another over and over again , and i soon fell fast asleep . it seems to me , at this distance of time , as if it were the next day when peggotty broached the striking and adventurous proposition i am about to mention but it was probably about two months afterwards . we were sitting as before , one evening when my mother was out as before , in company with the stocking and the yard measure, , and the bit of wax , and the box with st . pauls on the lid , and the crocodile book , when peggotty , after looking at me several times , and opening her mouth as if she were going to speak , without doing it  i thought was merely gaping , or i should have been rather alarmed  coaxingly master davy , how should you like to go along with me and spend a fortnight at my brothers at yarmouth . wouldnt that be a treat . is your brother an agreeable man , peggotty . i inquired , provisionally . oh , what an agreeable man he is . cried peggotty , holding up her hands . then theres the sea and the boats and ships and the fishermen and the beach and am to play with  peggotty meant her nephew ham , mentioned in my first chapter but she spoke of him as a morsel of english grammar . i was flushed by her summary of delights , and replied that it would indeed be a treat , but what would my mother say . why then ill as good as bet a guinea , said peggotty , intent upon my face , that shell let us go . ill ask her , if you like , as soon as ever she comes home . there now . but whats she to do while were away . said i , putting my small elbows on the table to argue the point . she cant live by herself . if peggotty were looking for a hole , all of a sudden , in the heel of that stocking , it must have been a very little one indeed , and not worth darning . i say . peggotty . she cant live by herself , you know . oh , bless you . said peggotty , looking at me again at last . dont you know . shes going to stay for a fortnight with mrs . grayper . mrs . graypers going to have a lot of company . oh . if that was it , i was quite ready to go . i waited , in the utmost impatience , until my mother came home from mrs . graypers for it was that identical neighbour , to ascertain if we could get leave to carry out this great idea . without being nearly so much surprised as i had expected , my mother entered into it readily and it was all arranged that night , and my board and lodging during the visit were to be paid for . the day soon came for our going . it was such an early day that it came soon , even to me , who was in a fever of expectation , and half afraid that an earthquake or a fiery mountain , or some other great convulsion of nature , might interpose to stop the expedition . we were to go in a carriers cart , which departed in the morning after breakfast . i would have given any money to have been allowed to wrap myself up over night, , and sleep in my hat and boots . it touches me nearly now , although i tell it lightly , to recollect how eager i was to leave my happy home to think how little i suspected what i did leave for ever . i am glad to recollect that when the carriers cart was at the gate , and my mother stood there kissing me , a grateful fondness for her and for the old place i had never turned my back upon before , made me cry . i am glad to know that my mother cried too , and that i felt her heart beat against mine . i am glad to recollect that when the carrier began to move , my mother ran out at the gate , and called to him to stop , that she might kiss me once more . i am glad to dwell upon the earnestness and love with which she lifted up her face to mine , and did so . as we left her standing in the road , mr . murdstone came up to where she was , and seemed to expostulate with her for being so moved . i was looking back round the awning of the cart , and wondered what business it was of his . peggotty , who was also looking back on the other side , seemed anything but satisfied as the face she brought back in the cart denoted . i sat looking at peggotty for some time , in a reverie on this supposititious case whether , if she were employed to lose me like the boy in the fairy tale , i should be able to track my way home again by the buttons she would shed . chapter . i have a change the carriers horse was the laziest horse in the world , i should hope , and shuffled along , with his head down , as if he liked to keep people waiting to whom the packages were directed . i fancied , indeed , that he sometimes chuckled audibly over this reflection , but the carrier said he was only troubled with a cough . the carrier had a way of keeping his head down , like his horse , and of drooping sleepily forward as he drove , with one of his arms on each of his knees . i say drove , but it struck me that the cart would have gone to yarmouth quite as well without him , for the horse did all that and as to conversation , he had no idea of it but whistling . peggotty had a basket of refreshments on her knee , which would have lasted us out handsomely , if we had been going to london by the same conveyance . we ate a good deal , and slept a good deal . peggotty always went to sleep with her chin upon the handle of the basket , her hold of which never relaxed and i could not have believed unless i had heard her do it , that one defenceless woman could have snored so much . we made so many deviations up and down lanes , and were such a long time delivering a bedstead at a public house, , and calling at other places , that i was quite tired , and very glad , when we saw yarmouth . it looked rather spongy and soppy , i thought , as i carried my eye over the great dull waste that lay across the river and i could not help wondering , if the world were really as round as my geography book said , how any part of it came to be so flat . but i reflected that yarmouth might be situated at one of the poles which would account for it . as we drew a little nearer , and saw the whole adjacent prospect lying a straight low line under the sky , i hinted to peggotty that a mound or so might have improved it and also that if the land had been a little more separated from the sea , and the town and the tide had not been quite so much mixed up , like toast and water , it would have been nicer . but peggotty said , with greater emphasis than usual , that we must take things as we found them , and that , for her part , she was proud to call herself a yarmouth bloater . when we got into the street and smelt the fish , and pitch , and oakum , and tar , and saw the sailors walking about , and the carts jingling up and down over the stones , i felt that i had done so busy a place an injustice and said as much to peggotty , who heard my expressions of delight with great complacency , and told me it was well known i suppose to those who had the good fortune to be born bloaters that yarmouth was , upon the whole , the finest place in the universe . heres my am . screamed peggotty , growed out of knowledge . he was waiting for us , in fact , at the public house and asked me how i found myself , like an old acquaintance . i did not feel , at first , that i knew him as well as he knew me , because he had never come to our house since the night i was born , and naturally he had the advantage of me . but our intimacy was much advanced by his taking me on his back to carry me home . he was , now , a huge , strong fellow of six feet high , broad in proportion , and round shouldered but with a simpering boys face and curly light hair that gave him quite a sheepish look . he was dressed in a canvas jacket , and a pair of such very stiff trousers that they would have stood quite as well alone , without any legs in them . and you couldnt so properly have said he wore a hat , as that he was covered in a top, , like an old building , with something pitchy . ham carrying me on his back and a small box of ours under his arm , and peggotty carrying another small box of ours , we turned down lanes bestrewn with bits of chips and little hillocks of sand , and went past gas works, , rope walks, , boat builders yards , shipwrights yards , ship breakers yards , caulkers yards , riggers lofts , smiths forges , and a great litter of such places , until we came out upon the dull waste i had already seen at a distance when ham said , yons our house , masr davy . i looked in all directions , as far as i could stare over the wilderness , and away at the sea , and away at the river , but no house could i make out . there was a black barge , or some other kind of superannuated boat , not far off , high and dry on the ground , with an iron funnel sticking out of it for a chimney and smoking very cosily but nothing else in the way of a habitation that was visible to me . thats not it . said i . that ship looking thing . thats it , masr davy , returned ham . if it had been aladdins palace , rocs egg and all , i suppose i could not have been more charmed with the romantic idea of living in it . there was a delightful door cut in the side , and it was roofed in , and there were little windows in it but the wonderful charm of it was , that it was a real boat which had no doubt been upon the water hundreds of times , and which had never been intended to be lived in , on dry land . that was the captivation of it to me . if it had ever been meant to be lived in , i might have thought it small , or inconvenient , or lonely but never having been designed for any such use , it became a perfect abode . it was beautifully clean inside , and as tidy as possible . there was a table , and a dutch clock , and a chest of drawers , and on the chest of drawers there was a tea tray with a painting on it of a lady with a parasol , taking a walk with a military looking child who was trundling a hoop . the tray was kept from tumbling down , by a bible and the tray , if it had tumbled down , would have smashed a quantity of cups and saucers and a teapot that were grouped around the book . on the walls there were some common coloured pictures , framed and glazed , of scripture subjects such as i have never seen since in the hands of pedlars , without seeing the whole interior of peggottys brothers house again , at one view . abraham in red going to sacrifice isaac in blue , and daniel in yellow cast into a den of green lions , were the most prominent of these . over the little mantelshelf , was a picture of the sarah jane lugger , built at sunderland , with a real little wooden stern stuck on to it a work of art , combining composition with carpentry , which i considered to be one of the most enviable possessions that the world could afford . there were some hooks in the beams of the ceiling , the use of which i did not divine then and some lockers and boxes and conveniences of that sort , which served for seats and eked out the chairs . all this i saw in the first glance after i crossed the threshold  , according to my theory  then peggotty opened a little door and showed me my bedroom . it was the completest and most desirable bedroom ever seen  the stern of the vessel with a little window , where the rudder used to go through a little looking glass, , just the right height for me , nailed against the wall , and framed with oyster shells a little bed , which there was just room enough to get into and a nosegay of seaweed in a blue mug on the table . the walls were whitewashed as white as milk , and the patchwork counterpane made my eyes quite ache with its brightness . one thing i particularly noticed in this delightful house , was the smell of fish which was so searching , that when i took out my pocket handkerchief to wipe my nose , i found it smelt exactly as if it had wrapped up a lobster . on my imparting this discovery in confidence to peggotty , she informed me that her brother dealt in lobsters , crabs , and crawfish and i afterwards found that a heap of these creatures , in a state of wonderful conglomeration with one another , and never leaving off pinching whatever they laid hold of , were usually to be found in a little wooden outhouse where the pots and kettles were kept . we were welcomed by a very civil woman in a white apron , whom i had seen curtseying at the door when i was on hams back , about a quarter of a mile off . likewise by a most beautiful little girl with a necklace of blue beads on , who wouldnt let me kiss her when i offered to , but ran away and hid herself . by and by , when we had dined in a sumptuous manner off boiled dabs , melted butter , and potatoes , with a chop for me , a hairy man with a very good natured face came home . as he called peggotty lass , and gave her a hearty smack on the cheek , i had no doubt , from the general propriety of her conduct , that he was her brother and so he turned out  presently introduced to me as mr . peggotty , the master of the house . glad to see you , sir , said mr . peggotty . youll find us rough , sir , but youll find us ready . i thanked him , and replied that i was sure i should be happy in such a delightful place . hows your ma , sir . said mr . peggotty . did you leave her pretty jolly . i gave mr . peggotty to understand that she was as jolly as i could wish , and that she desired her compliments  was a polite fiction on my part . im much obleeged to her , im sure , said mr . peggotty . well , sir , if you can make out here , fur a fortnut , long wi her , nodding at his sister , and ham , and little emly , we shall be proud of your company . having done the honours of his house in this hospitable manner , mr . peggotty went out to wash himself in a kettleful of hot water , remarking that cold would never get his muck off . he soon returned , greatly improved in appearance but so rubicund , that i couldnt help thinking his face had this in common with the lobsters , crabs , and crawfish  , it went into the hot water very black , and came out very red . after tea , when the door was shut and all was made snug the nights being cold and misty now , it seemed to me the most delicious retreat that the imagination of man could conceive . to hear the wind getting up out at sea , to know that the fog was creeping over the desolate flat outside , and to look at the fire , and think that there was no house near but this one , and this one a boat , was like enchantment . little emly had overcome her shyness , and was sitting by my side upon the lowest and least of the lockers , which was just large enough for us two , and just fitted into the chimney corner . mrs . peggotty with the white apron , was knitting on the opposite side of the fire . peggotty at her needlework was as much at home with st . pauls and the bit of wax candle, , as if they had never known any other roof . ham , who had been giving me my first lesson in all fours, , was trying to recollect a scheme of telling fortunes with the dirty cards , and was printing off fishy impressions of his thumb on all the cards he turned . mr . peggotty was smoking his pipe . i felt it was a time for conversation and confidence . mr . peggotty . says i . sir , says he . did you give your son the name of ham , because you lived in a sort of ark . mr . peggotty seemed to think it a deep idea , but answered no , sir . i never giv him no name . who gave him that name , then . said i , putting question number two of the catechism to mr . peggotty . why , sir , his father giv it him , said mr . peggotty . i thought you were his father . my brother joe was his father , said mr . peggotty . dead , mr . peggotty . i hinted , after a respectful pause . drowndead , said mr . peggotty . i was very much surprised that mr . peggotty was not hams father , and began to wonder whether i was mistaken about his relationship to anybody else there . i was so curious to know , that i made up my mind to have it out with mr . peggotty . little emly , i said , glancing at her . she is your daughter , isnt she , mr . peggotty . no , sir . my brother in , tom , was her father . i couldnt help it . mr . peggotty . i hinted , after another respectful silence . drowndead , said mr . peggotty . i felt the difficulty of resuming the subject , but had not got to the bottom of it yet , and must get to the bottom somehow . so i said havent you any children , mr . peggotty . no , master , he answered with a short laugh . im a bacheldore . a bachelor . i said , astonished . why , whos that , mr . peggotty . pointing to the person in the apron who was knitting . thats missis gummidge , said mr . peggotty . gummidge , mr . peggotty . but at this point peggotty  mean my own peculiar peggotty  such impressive motions to me not to ask any more questions , that i could only sit and look at all the silent company , until it was time to go to bed . then , in the privacy of my own little cabin , she informed me that ham and emly were an orphan nephew and niece , whom my host had at different times adopted in their childhood , when they were left destitute and that mrs . gummidge was the widow of his partner in a boat , who had died very poor . he was but a poor man himself , said peggotty , but as good as gold and as true as steel  were her similes . the only subject , she informed me , on which he ever showed a violent temper or swore an oath , was this generosity of his and if it were ever referred to , by any one of them , he struck the table a heavy blow with his right hand and swore a dreadful oath that he would be gormed if he didnt cut and run for good , if it was ever mentioned again . it appeared , in answer to my inquiries , that nobody had the least idea of the etymology of this terrible verb passive to be gormed but that they all regarded it as constituting a most solemn imprecation . i was very sensible of my entertainers goodness , and listened to the womens going to bed in another little crib like mine at the opposite end of the boat , and to him and ham hanging up two hammocks for themselves on the hooks i had noticed in the roof , in a very luxurious state of mind , enhanced by my being sleepy . as slumber gradually stole upon me , i heard the wind howling out at sea and coming on across the flat so fiercely , that i had a lazy apprehension of the great deep rising in the night . but i bethought myself that i was in a boat , after all and that a man like mr . peggotty was not a bad person to have on board if anything did happen . nothing happened , however , worse than morning . almost as soon as it shone upon the oyster shell frame of my mirror i was out of bed , and out with little emly , picking up stones upon the beach . youre quite a sailor , i suppose . i said to emly . i dont know that i supposed anything of the kind , but i felt it an act of gallantry to say something and a shining sail close to us made such a pretty little image of itself , at the moment , in her bright eye , that it came into my head to say this . no , replied emly , shaking her head , im afraid of the sea . afraid . i said , with a becoming air of boldness , and looking very big at the mighty ocean . i ant . ah . but its cruel , said emly . i have seen it very cruel to some of our men . i have seen it tear a boat as big as our house , all to pieces . i hope it wasnt the boat that  that father was drownded in . said emly . no . not that one , i never see that boat . nor him . i asked her . little emly shook her head . not to remember . here was a coincidence . i immediately went into an explanation how i had never seen my own father and how my mother and i had always lived by ourselves in the happiest state imaginable , and lived so then , and always meant to live so and how my fathers grave was in the churchyard near our house , and shaded by a tree , beneath the boughs of which i had walked and heard the birds sing many a pleasant morning . but there were some differences between emlys orphanhood and mine , it appeared . she had lost her mother before her father and where her fathers grave was no one knew , except that it was somewhere in the depths of the sea . besides , said emly , as she looked about for shells and pebbles , your father was a gentleman and your mother is a lady and my father was a fisherman and my mother was a fishermans daughter , and my uncle dan is a fisherman . dan is mr . peggotty , is he . said i . uncle dan  , answered emly , nodding at the boat house . yes . i mean him . he must be very good , i should think . good . said emly . if i was ever to be a lady , id give him a sky blue coat with diamond buttons , nankeen trousers , a red velvet waistcoat , a cocked hat , a large gold watch , a silver pipe , and a box of money . i said i had no doubt that mr . peggotty well deserved these treasures . i must acknowledge that i felt it difficult to picture him quite at his ease in the raiment proposed for him by his grateful little niece , and that i was particularly doubtful of the policy of the cocked hat but i kept these sentiments to myself . little emly had stopped and looked up at the sky in her enumeration of these articles , as if they were a glorious vision . we went on again , picking up shells and pebbles . you would like to be a lady . i said . emily looked at me , and laughed and nodded yes . i should like it very much . we would all be gentlefolks together , then . me , and uncle , and ham , and mrs . gummidge . we wouldnt mind then , when there comes stormy weather . for our own sakes , i mean . we would for the poor fishermens , to be sure , and wed help em with money when they come to any hurt . this seemed to me to be a very satisfactory and therefore not at all improbable picture . i expressed my pleasure in the contemplation of it , and little emly was emboldened to say , shyly , dont you think you are afraid of the sea , now . it was quiet enough to reassure me , but i have no doubt if i had seen a moderately large wave come tumbling in , i should have taken to my heels , with an awful recollection of her drowned relations . however , i said no , and i added , you dont seem to be either , though you say you are  , she was walking much too near the brink of a sort of old jetty or wooden causeway we had strolled upon , and i was afraid of her falling over . im not afraid in this way , said little emly . but i wake when it blows , and tremble to think of uncle dan and ham and believe i hear em crying out for help . thats why i should like so much to be a lady . but im not afraid in this way . not a bit . look here . she started from my side , and ran along a jagged timber which protruded from the place we stood upon , and overhung the deep water at some height , without the least defence . the incident is so impressed on my remembrance , that if i were a draughtsman i could draw its form here , i dare say , accurately as it was that day , and little emly springing forward to her destruction with a look that i have never forgotten , directed far out to sea . the light , bold , fluttering little figure turned and came back safe to me , and i soon laughed at my fears , and at the cry i had uttered fruitlessly in any case , for there was no one near . but there have been times since , in my manhood , many times there have been , when i have thought , is it possible , among the possibilities of hidden things , that in the sudden rashness of the child and her wild look so far off , there was any merciful attraction of her into danger , any tempting her towards him permitted on the part of her dead father , that her life might have a chance of ending that day . there has been a time since when i have wondered whether , if the life before her could have been revealed to me at a glance , and so revealed as that a child could fully comprehend it , and if her preservation could have depended on a motion of my hand , i ought to have held it up to save her . there has been a time since  do not say it lasted long , but it has been  i have asked myself the question , would it have been better for little emly to have had the waters close above her head that morning in my sight and when i have answered yes , it would have been . this may be premature . i have set it down too soon , perhaps . but let it stand . we strolled a long way , and loaded ourselves with things that we thought curious , and put some stranded starfish carefully back into the water  hardly know enough of the race at this moment to be quite certain whether they had reason to feel obliged to us for doing so , or the reverse  then made our way home to mr . peggottys dwelling . we stopped under the lee of the lobster outhouse to exchange an innocent kiss , and went in to breakfast glowing with health and pleasure . like two young mavishes , mr . peggotty said . i knew this meant , in our local dialect , like two young thrushes , and received it as a compliment . of course i was in love with little emly . i am sure i loved that baby quite as truly , quite as tenderly , with greater purity and more disinterestedness , than can enter into the best love of a later time of life , high and ennobling as it is . i am sure my fancy raised up something round that blue eyed mite of a child , which etherealized , and made a very angel of her . if , any sunny forenoon , she had spread a little pair of wings and flown away before my eyes , i dont think i should have regarded it as much more than i had reason to expect . we used to walk about that dim old flat at yarmouth in a loving manner , hours and hours . the days sported by us , as if time had not grown up himself yet , but were a child too , and always at play . i told emly i adored her , and that unless she confessed she adored me i should be reduced to the necessity of killing myself with a sword . she said she did , and i have no doubt she did . as to any sense of inequality , or youthfulness , or other difficulty in our way , little emly and i had no such trouble , because we had no future . we made no more provision for growing older , than we did for growing younger . we were the admiration of mrs . gummidge and peggotty , who used to whisper of an evening when we sat , lovingly , on our little locker side by side , lor . wasnt it beautiful . mr . peggotty smiled at us from behind his pipe , and ham grinned all the evening and did nothing else . they had something of the sort of pleasure in us , i suppose , that they might have had in a pretty toy , or a pocket model of the colosseum . i soon found out that mrs . gummidge did not always make herself so agreeable as she might have been expected to do , under the circumstances of her residence with mr . peggotty . mrs . gummidges was rather a fretful disposition , and she whimpered more sometimes than was comfortable for other parties in so small an establishment . i was very sorry for her but there were moments when it would have been more agreeable , i thought , if mrs . gummidge had a convenient apartment of her own to retire to , and had stopped there until her spirits revived . mr . peggotty went occasionally to a public house called the willing mind . i discovered this , by his being out on the second or third evening of our visit , and by mrs . gummidges looking up at the dutch clock , between eight and nine , and saying he was there , and that , what was more , she had known in the morning he would go there . mrs . gummidge had been in a low state all day , and had burst into tears in the forenoon , when the fire smoked . i am a lone lorn creetur , were mrs . gummidges words , when that unpleasant occurrence took place , and everythink goes contrary with me . oh , itll soon leave off , said peggotty  again mean our peggotty  besides , you know , its not more disagreeable to you than to us . i feel it more , said mrs . gummidge . it was a very cold day , with cutting blasts of wind . mrs . gummidges peculiar corner of the fireside seemed to me to be the warmest and snuggest in the place , as her chair was certainly the easiest , but it didnt suit her that day at all . she was constantly complaining of the cold , and of its occasioning a visitation in her back which she called the creeps . at last she shed tears on that subject , and said again that she was a lone lorn creetur and everythink went contrary with her . it is certainly very cold , said peggotty . everybody must feel it so . i feel it more than other people , said mrs . gummidge . so at dinner when mrs . gummidge was always helped immediately after me , to whom the preference was given as a visitor of distinction . the fish were small and bony , and the potatoes were a little burnt . we all acknowledged that we felt this something of a disappointment but mrs . gummidge said she felt it more than we did , and shed tears again , and made that former declaration with great bitterness . accordingly , when mr . peggotty came home about nine oclock , this unfortunate mrs . gummidge was knitting in her corner , in a very wretched and miserable condition . peggotty had been working cheerfully . ham had been patching up a great pair of waterboots and i , with little emly by my side , had been reading to them . mrs . gummidge had never made any other remark than a forlorn sigh , and had never raised her eyes since tea . well , mates , said mr . peggotty , taking his seat , and how are you . we all said something , or looked something , to welcome him , except mrs . gummidge , who only shook her head over her knitting . whats amiss . said mr . peggotty , with a clap of his hands . cheer up , old mawther . mrs . gummidge did not appear to be able to cheer up . she took out an old black silk handkerchief and wiped her eyes but instead of putting it in her pocket , kept it out , and wiped them again , and still kept it out , ready for use . whats amiss , dame . said mr . peggotty . nothing , returned mrs . gummidge . youve come from the willing mind , danl . why yes , ive took a short spell at the willing mind tonight , said mr . peggotty . im sorry i should drive you there , said mrs . gummidge . drive . i dont want no driving , returned mr . peggotty with an honest laugh . i only go too ready . very ready , said mrs . gummidge , shaking her head , and wiping her eyes . yes , very ready . i am sorry it should be along of me that youre so ready . along o you . it ant along o you . said mr . peggotty . dont ye believe a bit on it . yes , it is , cried mrs . gummidge . i know what i am . i know that i am a lone lorn creetur , and not only that everythink goes contrary with me , but that i go contrary with everybody . yes , . i feel more than other people do , and i show it more . its my misfortun . i really couldnt help thinking , as i sat taking in all this , that the misfortune extended to some other members of that family besides mrs . gummidge . but mr . peggotty made no such retort , only answering with another entreaty to mrs . gummidge to cheer up . i ant what i could wish myself to be , said mrs . gummidge . i am far from it . i know what i am . my troubles has made me contrary . i feel my troubles , and they make me contrary . i wish i didnt feel em , but i do . i wish i could be hardened to em , but i ant . i make the house uncomfortable . i dont wonder at it . ive made your sister so all day , and master davy . here i was suddenly melted , and roared out , no , you havent , mrs . gummidge , in great mental distress . its far from right that i should do it , said mrs . gummidge . it ant a fit return . i had better go into the house and die . i am a lone lorn creetur , and had much better not make myself contrary here . if thinks must go contrary with me , and i must go contrary myself , let me go contrary in my parish . danl , id better go into the house , and die and be a riddance . mrs . gummidge retired with these words , and betook herself to bed . when she was gone , mr . peggotty , who had not exhibited a trace of any feeling but the profoundest sympathy , looked round upon us , and nodding his head with a lively expression of that sentiment still animating his face , said in a whisper shes been thinking of the old un . i did not quite understand what old one mrs . gummidge was supposed to have fixed her mind upon , until peggotty , on seeing me to bed , explained that it was the late mr . gummidge and that her brother always took that for a received truth on such occasions , and that it always had a moving effect upon him . some time after he was in his hammock that night , i heard him myself repeat to ham , poor thing . shes been thinking of the old un . and whenever mrs . gummidge was overcome in a similar manner during the remainder of our stay he always said the same thing in extenuation of the circumstance , and always with the tenderest commiseration . so the fortnight slipped away , varied by nothing but the variation of the tide , which altered mr . peggottys times of going out and coming in , and altered hams engagements also . when the latter was unemployed , he sometimes walked with us to show us the boats and ships , and once or twice he took us for a row . i dont know why one slight set of impressions should be more particularly associated with a place than another , though i believe this obtains with most people , in reference especially to the associations of their childhood . i never hear the name , or read the name , of yarmouth , but i am reminded of a certain sunday morning on the beach , the bells ringing for church , little emly leaning on my shoulder , ham lazily dropping stones into the water , and the sun , away at sea , just breaking through the heavy mist , and showing us the ships , like their own shadows . at last the day came for going home . i bore up against the separation from mr . peggotty and mrs . gummidge , but my agony of mind at leaving little emly was piercing . we went arm in to the public house where the carrier put up , and i promised , on the road , to write to her . i redeemed that promise afterwards , in characters larger than those in which apartments are usually announced in manuscript , as being to let . we were greatly overcome at parting and if ever , in my life , i have had a void made in my heart , i had one made that day . now , all the time i had been on my visit , i had been ungrateful to my home again , and had thought little or nothing about it . but i was no sooner turned towards it , than my reproachful young conscience seemed to point that way with a ready finger and i felt , all the more for the sinking of my spirits , that it was my nest , and that my mother was my comforter and friend . this gained upon me as we went along so that the nearer we drew , the more familiar the objects became that we passed , the more excited i was to get there , and to run into her arms . but peggotty , instead of sharing in those transports , tried to check them and looked confused and out of sorts . blunderstone rookery would come , however , in spite of her , when the carriers horse pleased  did . how well i recollect it , on a cold grey afternoon , with a dull sky , threatening rain . the door opened , and i looked , half laughing and half crying in my pleasant agitation , for my mother . it was not she , but a strange servant . why , peggotty . i said , ruefully , isnt she come home . yes , master davy , said peggotty . shes come home . wait a bit , master davy , and ill  tell you something . between her agitation , and her natural awkwardness in getting out of the cart , peggotty was making a most extraordinary festoon of herself , but i felt too blank and strange to tell her so . when she had got down , she took me by the hand led me , wondering , into the kitchen and shut the door . peggotty . said i , quite frightened . whats the matter . nothings the matter , bless you , master davy dear . she answered , assuming an air of sprightliness . somethings the matter , im sure . wheres mama . wheres mama , master davy . repeated peggotty . yes . why hasnt she come out to the gate , and what have we come in here for . oh , peggotty . my eyes were full , and i felt as if i were going to tumble down . bless the precious boy . cried peggotty , taking hold of me . what is it . speak , my pet . not dead , too . oh , shes not dead , peggotty . peggotty cried out no . with an astonishing volume of voice and then sat down , and began to pant , and said i had given her a turn . i gave her a hug to take away the turn , or to give her another turn in the right direction , and then stood before her , looking at her in anxious inquiry . you see , dear , i should have told you before now , said peggotty , but i hadnt an opportunity . i ought to have made it , perhaps , but i couldnt azackly  was always the substitute for exactly , in peggottys militia of words  my mind to it . go on , peggotty , said i , more frightened than before . master davy , said peggotty , untying her bonnet with a shaking hand , and speaking in a breathless sort of way . what do you think . you have got a pa . i trembled , and turned white . something  dont know what , or how  with the grave in the churchyard , and the raising of the dead , seemed to strike me like an unwholesome wind . a new one , said peggotty . a new one . i repeated . peggotty gave a gasp , as if she were swallowing something that was very hard , and , putting out her hand , said come and see him . i dont want to see him . your mama , said peggotty . i ceased to draw back , and we went straight to the best parlour , where she left me . on one side of the fire , sat my mother on the other , mr . murdstone . my mother dropped her work , and arose hurriedly , but timidly i thought . now , clara my dear , said mr . murdstone . recollect . control yourself , always control yourself . davy boy , how do you do . i gave him my hand . after a moment of suspense , i went and kissed my mother she kissed me , patted me gently on the shoulder , and sat down again to her work . i could not look at her , i could not look at him , i knew quite well that he was looking at us both and i turned to the window and looked out there , at some shrubs that were drooping their heads in the cold . as soon as i could creep away , i crept upstairs . my old dear bedroom was changed , and i was to lie a long way off . i rambled downstairs to find anything that was like itself , so altered it all seemed and roamed into the yard . i very soon started back from there , for the empty dog kennel was filled up with a great dog  mouthed and black haired like him  he was very angry at the sight of me , and sprang out to get at me . chapter . i fall into disgrace if the room to which my bed was removed were a sentient thing that could give evidence , i might appeal to it at this day  sleeps there now , i wonder . bear witness for me what a heavy heart i carried to it . i went up there , hearing the dog in the yard bark after me all the way while i climbed the stairs and , looking as blank and strange upon the room as the room looked upon me , sat down with my small hands crossed , and thought . i thought of the oddest things . of the shape of the room , of the cracks in the ceiling , of the paper on the walls , of the flaws in the window glass making ripples and dimples on the prospect , of the washing stand being rickety on its three legs , and having a discontented something about it , which reminded me of mrs . gummidge under the influence of the old one . i was crying all the time , but , except that i was conscious of being cold and dejected , i am sure i never thought why i cried . at last in my desolation i began to consider that i was dreadfully in love with little emly , and had been torn away from her to come here where no one seemed to want me , or to care about me , half as much as she did . this made such a very miserable piece of business of it , that i rolled myself up in a corner of the counterpane , and cried myself to sleep . i was awoke by somebody saying here he is . and uncovering my hot head . my mother and peggotty had come to look for me , and it was one of them who had done it . davy , said my mother . whats the matter . i thought it was very strange that she should ask me , and answered , nothing . i turned over on my face , i recollect , to hide my trembling lip , which answered her with greater truth . davy , said my mother . davy , my child . i dare say no words she could have uttered would have affected me so much , then , as her calling me her child . i hid my tears in the bedclothes , and pressed her from me with my hand , when she would have raised me up . this is your doing , peggotty , you cruel thing . said my mother . i have no doubt at all about it . how can you reconcile it to your conscience , i wonder , to prejudice my own boy against me , or against anybody who is dear to me . what do you mean by it , peggotty . poor peggotty lifted up her hands and eyes , and only answered , in a sort of paraphrase of the grace i usually repeated after dinner , lord forgive you , mrs . copperfield , and for what you have said this minute , may you never be truly sorry . its enough to distract me , cried my mother . in my honeymoon , too , when my most inveterate enemy might relent , one would think , and not envy me a little peace of mind and happiness . davy , you naughty boy . peggotty , you savage creature . oh , dear me . cried my mother , turning from one of us to the other , in her pettish wilful manner , what a troublesome world this is , when one has the most right to expect it to be as agreeable as possible . i felt the touch of a hand that i knew was neither hers nor peggottys , and slipped to my feet at the bed side . it was mr . murdstones hand , and he kept it on my arm as he said whats this . clara , my love , have you forgotten . my dear . i am very sorry , edward , said my mother . i meant to be very good , but i am so uncomfortable . indeed . he answered . thats a bad hearing , so soon , clara . i say its very hard i should be made so now , returned my mother , pouting and it is  hard  it . he drew her to him , whispered in her ear , and kissed her . i knew as well , when i saw my mothers head lean down upon his shoulder , and her arm touch his neck  knew as well that he could mould her pliant nature into any form he chose , as i know , now , that he did it . go you below , my love , said mr . murdstone . david and i will come down , together . my friend , turning a darkening face on peggotty , when he had watched my mother out , and dismissed her with a nod and a smile do you know your mistresss name . she has been my mistress a long time , sir , answered peggotty , i ought to know it . thats true , he answered . but i thought i heard you , as i came upstairs , address her by a name that is not hers . she has taken mine , you know . will you remember that . peggotty , with some uneasy glances at me , curtseyed herself out of the room without replying seeing , i suppose , that she was expected to go , and had no excuse for remaining . when we two were left alone , he shut the door , and sitting on a chair , and holding me standing before him , looked steadily into my eyes . i felt my own attracted , no less steadily , to his . as i recall our being opposed thus , face to face , i seem again to hear my heart beat fast and high . david , he said , making his lips thin , by pressing them together , if i have an obstinate horse or dog to deal with , what do you think i do . i dont know . i beat him . i had answered in a kind of breathless whisper , but i felt , in my silence , that my breath was shorter now . i make him wince , and smart . i say to myself , ill conquer that fellow and if it were to cost him all the blood he had , i should do it . what is that upon your face . dirt , i said . he knew it was the mark of tears as well as i . but if he had asked the question twenty times , each time with twenty blows , i believe my baby heart would have burst before i would have told him so . you have a good deal of intelligence for a little fellow , he said , with a grave smile that belonged to him , and you understood me very well , i see . wash that face , sir , and come down with me . he pointed to the washing stand, , which i had made out to be like mrs . gummidge , and motioned me with his head to obey him directly . i had little doubt then , and i have less doubt now , that he would have knocked me down without the least compunction , if i had hesitated . clara , my dear , he said , when i had done his bidding , and he walked me into the parlour , with his hand still on my arm you will not be made uncomfortable any more , i hope . we shall soon improve our youthful humours . god help me , i might have been improved for my whole life , i might have been made another creature perhaps , for life , by a kind word at that season . a word of encouragement and explanation , of pity for my childish ignorance , of welcome home , of reassurance to me that it was home , might have made me dutiful to him in my heart henceforth , instead of in my hypocritical outside , and might have made me respect instead of hate him . i thought my mother was sorry to see me standing in the room so scared and strange , and that , presently , when i stole to a chair , she followed me with her eyes more sorrowfully still  , perhaps , some freedom in my childish tread  the word was not spoken , and the time for it was gone . we dined alone , we three together . he seemed to be very fond of my mother  am afraid i liked him none the better for that  she was very fond of him . i gathered from what they said , that an elder sister of his was coming to stay with them , and that she was expected that evening . i am not certain whether i found out then , or afterwards , that , without being actively concerned in any business , he had some share in , or some annual charge upon the profits of , a wine merchants house in london , with which his family had been connected from his great grandfathers time , and in which his sister had a similar interest but i may mention it in this place , whether or no . after dinner , when we were sitting by the fire , and i was meditating an escape to peggotty without having the hardihood to slip away , lest it should offend the master of the house , a coach drove up to the garden gate and he went out to receive the visitor . my mother followed him . i was timidly following her , when she turned round at the parlour door , in the dusk , and taking me in her embrace as she had been used to do , whispered me to love my new father and be obedient to him . she did this hurriedly and secretly , as if it were wrong , but tenderly and , putting out her hand behind her , held mine in it , until we came near to where he was standing in the garden , where she let mine go , and drew hers through his arm . it was miss murdstone who was arrived , and a gloomy looking lady she was dark , like her brother , whom she greatly resembled in face and voice and with very heavy eyebrows , nearly meeting over her large nose , as if , being disabled by the wrongs of her sex from wearing whiskers , she had carried them to that account . she brought with her two uncompromising hard black boxes , with her initials on the lids in hard brass nails . when she paid the coachman she took her money out of a hard steel purse , and she kept the purse in a very jail of a bag which hung upon her arm by a heavy chain , and shut up like a bite . i had never , at that time , seen such a metallic lady altogether as miss murdstone was . she was brought into the parlour with many tokens of welcome , and there formally recognized my mother as a new and near relation . then she looked at me , and said is that your boy , sister in . my mother acknowledged me . generally speaking , said miss murdstone , i dont like boys . how dye do , boy . under these encouraging circumstances , i replied that i was very well , and that i hoped she was the same with such an indifferent grace , that miss murdstone disposed of me in two words wants manner . having uttered which , with great distinctness , she begged the favour of being shown to her room , which became to me from that time forth a place of awe and dread , wherein the two black boxes were never seen open or known to be left unlocked , and where for i peeped in once or twice when she was out numerous little steel fetters and rivets , with which miss murdstone embellished herself when she was dressed , generally hung upon the looking glass in formidable array . as well as i could make out , she had come for good , and had no intention of ever going again . she began to help my mother next morning , and was in and out of the store closet all day , putting things to rights , and making havoc in the old arrangements . almost the first remarkable thing i observed in miss murdstone was , her being constantly haunted by a suspicion that the servants had a man secreted somewhere on the premises . under the influence of this delusion , she dived into the coal cellar at the most untimely hours , and scarcely ever opened the door of a dark cupboard without clapping it to again , in the belief that she had got him . though there was nothing very airy about miss murdstone , she was a perfect lark in point of getting up . she was up and , as i believe to this hour , looking for that man before anybody in the house was stirring . peggotty gave it as her opinion that she even slept with one eye open but i could not concur in this idea for i tried it myself after hearing the suggestion thrown out , and found it couldnt be done . on the very first morning after her arrival she was up and ringing her bell at cock crow . when my mother came down to breakfast and was going to make the tea , miss murdstone gave her a kind of peck on the cheek , which was her nearest approach to a kiss , and said now , clara , my dear , i am come here , you know , to relieve you of all the trouble i can . youre much too pretty and thoughtless  mother blushed but laughed , and seemed not to dislike this character  have any duties imposed upon you that can be undertaken by me . if youll be so good as give me your keys , my dear , ill attend to all this sort of thing in future . from that time , miss murdstone kept the keys in her own little jail all day , and under her pillow all night , and my mother had no more to do with them than i had . my mother did not suffer her authority to pass from her without a shadow of protest . one night when miss murdstone had been developing certain household plans to her brother , of which he signified his approbation , my mother suddenly began to cry , and said she thought she might have been consulted . clara . said mr . murdstone sternly . clara . i wonder at you . oh , its very well to say you wonder , edward . cried my mother , and its very well for you to talk about firmness , but you wouldnt like it yourself . firmness , i may observe , was the grand quality on which both mr . and miss murdstone took their stand . however i might have expressed my comprehension of it at that time , if i had been called upon , i nevertheless did clearly comprehend in my own way , that it was another name for tyranny and for a certain gloomy , arrogant , devils humour , that was in them both . the creed , as i should state it now , was this . mr . murdstone was firm nobody in his world was to be so firm as mr . murdstone nobody else in his world was to be firm at all , for everybody was to be bent to his firmness . miss murdstone was an exception . she might be firm , but only by relationship , and in an inferior and tributary degree . my mother was another exception . she might be firm , and must be but only in bearing their firmness , and firmly believing there was no other firmness upon earth . its very hard , said my mother , that in my own house  my own house . repeated mr . murdstone . clara . our own house , i mean , faltered my mother , evidently frightened  hope you must know what i mean , edward  very hard that in your own house i may not have a word to say about domestic matters . i am sure i managed very well before we were married . theres evidence , said my mother , sobbing ask peggotty if i didnt do very well when i wasnt interfered with . edward , said miss murdstone , let there be an end of this . i go tomorrow . jane murdstone , said her brother , be silent . how dare you to insinuate that you dont know my character better than your words imply . i am sure , my poor mother went on , at a grievous disadvantage , and with many tears , i dont want anybody to go . i should be very miserable and unhappy if anybody was to go . i dont ask much . i am not unreasonable . i only want to be consulted sometimes . i am very much obliged to anybody who assists me , and i only want to be consulted as a mere form , sometimes . i thought you were pleased , once , with my being a little inexperienced and girlish , edward  am sure you said so  you seem to hate me for it now , you are so severe . edward , said miss murdstone , again , let there be an end of this . i go tomorrow . jane murdstone , thundered mr . murdstone . will you be silent . how dare you . miss murdstone made a jail delivery of her pocket handkerchief, , and held it before her eyes . clara , he continued , looking at my mother , you surprise me . you astound me . yes , i had a satisfaction in the thought of marrying an inexperienced and artless person , and forming her character , and infusing into it some amount of that firmness and decision of which it stood in need . but when jane murdstone is kind enough to come to my assistance in this endeavour , and to assume , for my sake , a condition something like a housekeepers , and when she meets with a base return  oh , pray , edward , cried my mother , dont accuse me of being ungrateful . i am sure i am not ungrateful . no one ever said i was before . i have many faults , but not that . oh , dont , my dear . when jane murdstone meets , i say , he went on , after waiting until my mother was silent , with a base return , that feeling of mine is chilled and altered . dont , my love , say that . implored my mother very piteously . oh , dont , edward . i cant bear to hear it . whatever i am , i am affectionate . i know i am affectionate . i wouldnt say it , if i wasnt sure that i am . ask peggotty . i am sure shell tell you im affectionate . there is no extent of mere weakness , clara , said mr . murdstone in reply , that can have the least weight with me . you lose breath . pray let us be friends , said my mother , i couldnt live under coldness or unkindness . i am so sorry . i have a great many defects , i know , and its very good of you , edward , with your strength of mind , to endeavour to correct them for me . jane , i dont object to anything . i should be quite broken hearted if you thought of leaving  my mother was too much overcome to go on . jane murdstone , said mr . murdstone to his sister , any harsh words between us are , i hope , uncommon . it is not my fault that so unusual an occurrence has taken place tonight . i was betrayed into it by another . nor is it your fault . you were betrayed into it by another . let us both try to forget it . and as this , he added , after these magnanimous words , is not a fit scene for the boy  , go to bed . i could hardly find the door , through the tears that stood in my eyes . i was so sorry for my mothers distress but i groped my way out , and groped my way up to my room in the dark , without even having the heart to say good night to peggotty , or to get a candle from her . when her coming up to look for me , an hour or so afterwards , awoke me , she said that my mother had gone to bed poorly , and that mr . and miss murdstone were sitting alone . going down next morning rather earlier than usual , i paused outside the parlour door , on hearing my mothers voice . she was very earnestly and humbly entreating miss murdstones pardon , which that lady granted , and a perfect reconciliation took place . i never knew my mother afterwards to give an opinion on any matter , without first appealing to miss murdstone , or without having first ascertained by some sure means , what miss murdstones opinion was and i never saw miss murdstone , when out of temper move her hand towards her bag as if she were going to take out the keys and offer to resign them to my mother , without seeing that my mother was in a terrible fright . the gloomy taint that was in the murdstone blood , darkened the murdstone religion , which was austere and wrathful . i have thought , since , that its assuming that character was a necessary consequence of mr . murdstones firmness , which wouldnt allow him to let anybody off from the utmost weight of the severest penalties he could find any excuse for . be this as it may , i well remember the tremendous visages with which we used to go to church , and the changed air of the place . again , the dreaded sunday comes round , and i file into the old pew first , like a guarded captive brought to a condemned service . again , miss murdstone , in a black velvet gown , that looks as if it had been made out of a pall , follows close upon me then my mother then her husband . there is no peggotty now , as in the old time . again , i listen to miss murdstone mumbling the responses , and emphasizing all the dread words with a cruel relish . again , i see her dark eyes roll round the church when she says miserable sinners , as if she were calling all the congregation names . again , i catch rare glimpses of my mother , moving her lips timidly between the two , with one of them muttering at each ear like low thunder . again , i wonder with a sudden fear whether it is likely that our good old clergyman can be wrong , and mr . and miss murdstone right , and that all the angels in heaven can be destroying angels . again , if i move a finger or relax a muscle of my face , miss murdstone pokes me with her prayer book, , and makes my side ache . yes , and again , as we walk home , i note some neighbours looking at my mother and at me , and whispering . again , as the three go on arm in , and i linger behind alone , i follow some of those looks , and wonder if my mothers step be really not so light as i have seen it , and if the gaiety of her beauty be really almost worried away . again , i wonder whether any of the neighbours call to mind , as i do , how we used to walk home together , she and i and i wonder stupidly about that , all the dreary dismal day . there had been some talk on occasions of my going to boarding school . mr . and miss murdstone had originated it , and my mother had of course agreed with them . nothing , however , was concluded on the subject yet . in the meantime , i learnt lessons at home . shall i ever forget those lessons . they were presided over nominally by my mother , but really by mr . murdstone and his sister , who were always present , and found them a favourable occasion for giving my mother lessons in that miscalled firmness , which was the bane of both our lives . i believe i was kept at home for that purpose . i had been apt enough to learn , and willing enough , when my mother and i had lived alone together . i can faintly remember learning the alphabet at her knee . to this day , when i look upon the fat black letters in the primer , the puzzling novelty of their shapes , and the easy good nature of o and q and s , seem to present themselves again before me as they used to do . but they recall no feeling of disgust or reluctance . on the contrary , i seem to have walked along a path of flowers as far as the crocodile book, , and to have been cheered by the gentleness of my mothers voice and manner all the way . but these solemn lessons which succeeded those , i remember as the death blow of my peace , and a grievous daily drudgery and misery . they were very long , very numerous , very hard  unintelligible , some of them , to me  i was generally as much bewildered by them as i believe my poor mother was herself . let me remember how it used to be , and bring one morning back again . i come into the second best parlour after breakfast , with my books , and an exercise book, , and a slate . my mother is ready for me at her writing desk, , but not half so ready as mr . murdstone in his easy chair by the window or as miss murdstone , sitting near my mother stringing steel beads . the very sight of these two has such an influence over me , that i begin to feel the words i have been at infinite pains to get into my head , all sliding away , and going i dont know where . i wonder where they do go , by the by . i hand the first book to my mother . perhaps it is a grammar , perhaps a history , or geography . i take a last drowning look at the page as i give it into her hand , and start off aloud at a racing pace while i have got it fresh . i trip over a word . mr . murdstone looks up . i trip over another word . miss murdstone looks up . i redden , tumble over half a words , and stop . i think my mother would show me the book if she dared , but she does not dare , and she says softly oh , davy , . now , clara , says mr . murdstone , be firm with the boy . dont say , oh , davy , . thats childish . he knows his lesson , or he does not know it . he does not know it , miss murdstone interposes awfully . i am really afraid he does not , says my mother . then , you see , clara , returns miss murdstone , you should just give him the book back , and make him know it . yes , certainly , says my mother that is what i intend to do , my dear jane . now , davy , try once more , and dont be stupid . i obey the first clause of the injunction by trying once more , but am not so successful with the second , for i am very stupid . i tumble down before i get to the old place , at a point where i was all right before , and stop to think . but i cant think about the lesson . i think of the number of yards of net in miss murdstones cap , or of the price of mr . murdstones dressing gown, , or any such ridiculous problem that i have no business with , and dont want to have anything at all to do with . mr . murdstone makes a movement of impatience which i have been expecting for a long time . miss murdstone does the same . my mother glances submissively at them , shuts the book , and lays it by as an arrear to be worked out when my other tasks are done . there is a pile of these arrears very soon , and it swells like a rolling snowball . the bigger it gets , the more stupid i get . the case is so hopeless , and i feel that i am wallowing in such a bog of nonsense , that i give up all idea of getting out , and abandon myself to my fate . the despairing way in which my mother and i look at each other , as i blunder on , is truly melancholy . but the greatest effect in these miserable lessons is when my mother tries to give me the cue by the motion of her lips . at that instant , miss murdstone , who has been lying in wait for nothing else all along , says in a deep warning voice clara . my mother starts , colours , and smiles faintly . mr . murdstone comes out of his chair , takes the book , throws it at me or boxes my ears with it , and turns me out of the room by the shoulders . even when the lessons are done , the worst is yet to happen , in the shape of an appalling sum . this is invented for me , and delivered to me orally by mr . murdstone , and begins , if i go into a cheesemongers shop , and buy five thousand double gloucester cheeses at fourpence halfpenny each , present payment  which i see miss murdstone secretly overjoyed . i pore over these cheeses without any result or enlightenment until dinner time, , when , having made a mulatto of myself by getting the dirt of the slate into the pores of my skin , i have a slice of bread to help me out with the cheeses , and am considered in disgrace for the rest of the evening . it seems to me , at this distance of time , as if my unfortunate studies generally took this course . i could have done very well if i had been without the murdstones but the influence of the murdstones upon me was like the fascination of two snakes on a wretched young bird . even when i did get through the morning with tolerable credit , there was not much gained but dinner for miss murdstone never could endure to see me untasked , and if i rashly made any show of being unemployed , called her brothers attention to me by saying , clara , my dear , theres nothing like work  your boy an exercise which caused me to be clapped down to some new labour , there and then . as to any recreation with other children of my age , i had very little of that for the gloomy theology of the murdstones made all children out to be a swarm of little vipers and held that they contaminated one another . the natural result of this treatment , continued , i suppose , for some six months or more , was to make me sullen , dull , and dogged . i was not made the less so by my sense of being daily more and more shut out and alienated from my mother . i believe i should have been almost stupefied but for one circumstance . it was this . my father had left a small collection of books in a little room upstairs , to which i had access and which nobody else in our house ever troubled . from that blessed little room , roderick random , peregrine pickle , humphrey clinker , tom jones , the vicar of wakefield , don quixote , gil blas , and robinson crusoe , came out , a glorious host , to keep me company . they kept alive my fancy , and my hope of something beyond that place and time  , and the arabian nights , and the tales of the genii  , did me no harm for whatever harm was in some of them was not there for me i knew nothing of it . it is astonishing to me now , how i found time , in the midst of my porings and blunderings over heavier themes , to read those books as i did . it is curious to me how i could ever have consoled myself under my small troubles by impersonating my favourite characters in them  i did  by putting mr . and miss murdstone into all the bad ones  i did too . i have been tom jones for a week together . i have sustained my own idea of roderick random for a month at a stretch , i verily believe . i had a greedy relish for a few volumes of voyages and travels  forget what , now  were on those shelves and for days and days i can remember to have gone about my region of our house , armed with the centre piece out of an old set of boot trees perfect realization of captain somebody , of the royal british navy , in danger of being beset by savages , and resolved to sell his life at a great price . the captain never lost dignity , from having his ears boxed with the latin grammar . i did but the captain was a captain and a hero , in despite of all the grammars of all the languages in the world , dead or alive . this was my only and my constant comfort . when i think of it , the picture always rises in my mind , of a summer evening , the boys at play in the churchyard , and i sitting on my bed , reading as if for life . every barn in the neighbourhood , every stone in the church , and every foot of the churchyard , had some association of its own , in my mind , connected with these books , and stood for some locality made famous in them . i have seen tom pipes go climbing up the church steeple i have watched strap , with the knapsack on his back , stopping to rest himself upon the wicket gate and i know that commodore trunnion held that club with mr . pickle , in the parlour of our little village alehouse . the reader now understands , as well as i do , what i was when i came to that point of my youthful history to which i am now coming again . one morning when i went into the parlour with my books , i found my mother looking anxious , miss murdstone looking firm , and mr . murdstone binding something round the bottom of a cane  lithe and limber cane , which he left off binding when i came in , and poised and switched in the air . i tell you , clara , said mr . murdstone , i have been often flogged myself . to be sure of course , said miss murdstone . certainly , my dear jane , faltered my mother , meekly . but  do you think it did edward good . do you think it did edward harm , clara . asked mr . murdstone , gravely . thats the point , said his sister . to this my mother returned , certainly , my dear jane , and said no more . i felt apprehensive that i was personally interested in this dialogue , and sought mr . murdstones eye as it lighted on mine . now , david , he said  i saw that cast again as he said it  must be far more careful today than usual . he gave the cane another poise , and another switch and having finished his preparation of it , laid it down beside him , with an impressive look , and took up his book . this was a good freshener to my presence of mind , as a beginning . i felt the words of my lessons slipping off , not one by one , or line by line , but by the entire page i tried to lay hold of them but they seemed , if i may so express it , to have put skates on , and to skim away from me with a smoothness there was no checking . we began badly , and went on worse . i had come in with an idea of distinguishing myself rather , conceiving that i was very well prepared but it turned out to be quite a mistake . book after book was added to the heap of failures , miss murdstone being firmly watchful of us all the time . and when we came at last to the five thousand cheeses canes he made it that day , i remember , my mother burst out crying . clara . said miss murdstone , in her warning voice . i am not quite well , my dear jane , i think , said my mother . i saw him wink , solemnly , at his sister , as he rose and said , taking up the cane why , jane , we can hardly expect clara to bear , with perfect firmness , the worry and torment that david has occasioned her today . that would be stoical . clara is greatly strengthened and improved , but we can hardly expect so much from her . david , you and i will go upstairs , boy . as he took me out at the door , my mother ran towards us . miss murdstone said , clara . are you a perfect fool . and interfered . i saw my mother stop her ears then , and i heard her crying . he walked me up to my room slowly and gravely  am certain he had a delight in that formal parade of executing justice  when we got there , suddenly twisted my head under his arm . mr . murdstone . sir . i cried to him . dont . pray dont beat me . i have tried to learn , sir , but i cant learn while you and miss murdstone are by . i cant indeed . cant you , indeed , david . he said . well try that . he had my head as in a vice , but i twined round him somehow , and stopped him for a moment , entreating him not to beat me . it was only a moment that i stopped him , for he cut me heavily an instant afterwards , and in the same instant i caught the hand with which he held me in my mouth , between my teeth , and bit it through . it sets my teeth on edge to think of it . he beat me then , as if he would have beaten me to death . above all the noise we made , i heard them running up the stairs , and crying out  heard my mother crying out  peggotty . then he was gone and the door was locked outside and i was lying , fevered and hot , and torn , and sore , and raging in my puny way , upon the floor . how well i recollect , when i became quiet , what an unnatural stillness seemed to reign through the whole house . how well i remember , when my smart and passion began to cool , how wicked i began to feel . i sat listening for a long while , but there was not a sound . i crawled up from the floor , and saw my face in the glass , so swollen , red , and ugly that it almost frightened me . my stripes were sore and stiff , and made me cry afresh , when i moved but they were nothing to the guilt i felt . it lay heavier on my breast than if i had been a most atrocious criminal , i dare say . it had begun to grow dark , and i had shut the window i had been lying , for the most part , with my head upon the sill , by turns crying , dozing , and looking listlessly out , when the key was turned , and miss murdstone came in with some bread and meat , and milk . these she put down upon the table without a word , glaring at me the while with exemplary firmness , and then retired , locking the door after her . long after it was dark i sat there , wondering whether anybody else would come . when this appeared improbable for that night , i undressed , and went to bed and , there , i began to wonder fearfully what would be done to me . whether it was a criminal act that i had committed . whether i should be taken into custody , and sent to prison . whether i was at all in danger of being hanged . i never shall forget the waking , next morning the being cheerful and fresh for the first moment , and then the being weighed down by the stale and dismal oppression of remembrance . miss murdstone reappeared before i was out of bed told me , in so many words , that i was free to walk in the garden for half an hour and no longer and retired , leaving the door open , that i might avail myself of that permission . i did so , and did so every morning of my imprisonment , which lasted five days . if i could have seen my mother alone , i should have gone down on my knees to her and besought her forgiveness but i saw no one , miss murdstone excepted , during the whole time  at evening prayers in the parlour to which i was escorted by miss murdstone after everybody else was placed where i was stationed , a young outlaw , all alone by myself near the door and whence i was solemnly conducted by my jailer , before any one arose from the devotional posture . i only observed that my mother was as far off from me as she could be , and kept her face another way so that i never saw it and that mr . murdstones hand was bound up in a large linen wrapper . the length of those five days i can convey no idea of to any one . they occupy the place of years in my remembrance . the way in which i listened to all the incidents of the house that made themselves audible to me the ringing of bells , the opening and shutting of doors , the murmuring of voices , the footsteps on the stairs to any laughing , whistling , or singing , outside , which seemed more dismal than anything else to me in my solitude and disgrace  uncertain pace of the hours , especially at night , when i would wake thinking it was morning , and find that the family were not yet gone to bed , and that all the length of night had yet to come  depressed dreams and nightmares i had  return of day , noon , afternoon , evening , when the boys played in the churchyard , and i watched them from a distance within the room , being ashamed to show myself at the window lest they should know i was a prisoner  strange sensation of never hearing myself speak  fleeting intervals of something like cheerfulness , which came with eating and drinking , and went away with it  setting in of rain one evening , with a fresh smell , and its coming down faster and faster between me and the church , until it and gathering night seemed to quench me in gloom , and fear , and remorse  this appears to have gone round and round for years instead of days , it is so vividly and strongly stamped on my remembrance . on the last night of my restraint , i was awakened by hearing my own name spoken in a whisper . i started up in bed , and putting out my arms in the dark , said is that you , peggotty . there was no immediate answer , but presently i heard my name again , in a tone so very mysterious and awful , that i think i should have gone into a fit , if it had not occurred to me that it must have come through the keyhole . i groped my way to the door , and putting my own lips to the keyhole , whispered is that you , peggotty dear . yes , my own precious davy , she replied . be as soft as a mouse , or the catll hear us . i understood this to mean miss murdstone , and was sensible of the urgency of the case her room being close by . hows mama , dear peggotty . is she very angry with me . i could hear peggotty crying softly on her side of the keyhole , as i was doing on mine , before she answered . no . not very . what is going to be done with me , peggotty dear . do you know . school . near london , was peggottys answer . i was obliged to get her to repeat it , for she spoke it the first time quite down my throat , in consequence of my having forgotten to take my mouth away from the keyhole and put my ear there and though her words tickled me a good deal , i didnt hear them . when , peggotty . tomorrow . is that the reason why miss murdstone took the clothes out of my drawers . which she had done , though i have forgotten to mention it . yes , said peggotty . box . shant i see mama . yes , said peggotty . morning . then peggotty fitted her mouth close to the keyhole , and delivered these words through it with as much feeling and earnestness as a keyhole has ever been the medium of communicating , i will venture to assert shooting in each broken little sentence in a convulsive little burst of its own . davy , dear . if i aint been azackly as intimate with you . lately , as i used to be . it aint because i dont love you . just as well and more , my pretty poppet . its because i thought it better for you . and for someone else besides . davy , my darling , are you listening . can you hear . ye ye , peggotty . i sobbed . my own . said peggotty , with infinite compassion . what i want to say , is . that you must never forget me . for ill never forget you . and ill take as much care of your mama , davy . as ever i took of you . and i wont leave her . the day may come when shell be glad to lay her poor head . on her stupid , cross old peggottys arm again . and ill write to you , my dear . though i aint no scholar . and ill  peggotty fell to kissing the keyhole , as she couldnt kiss me . thank you , dear peggotty . said i . oh , thank you . thank you . will you promise me one thing , peggotty . will you write and tell mr . peggotty and little emly , and mrs . gummidge and ham , that i am not so bad as they might suppose , and that i sent em all my love  to little emly . will you , if you please , peggotty . the kind soul promised , and we both of us kissed the keyhole with the greatest affection  patted it with my hand , i recollect , as if it had been her honest face  parted . from that night there grew up in my breast a feeling for peggotty which i cannot very well define . she did not replace my mother no one could do that but she came into a vacancy in my heart , which closed upon her , and i felt towards her something i have never felt for any other human being . it was a sort of comical affection , too and yet if she had died , i cannot think what i should have done , or how i should have acted out the tragedy it would have been to me . in the morning miss murdstone appeared as usual , and told me i was going to school which was not altogether such news to me as she supposed . she also informed me that when i was dressed , i was to come downstairs into the parlour , and have my breakfast . there , i found my mother , very pale and with red eyes into whose arms i ran , and begged her pardon from my suffering soul . oh , davy . she said . that you could hurt anyone i love . try to be better , pray to be better . i forgive you but i am so grieved , davy , that you should have such bad passions in your heart . they had persuaded her that i was a wicked fellow , and she was more sorry for that than for my going away . i felt it sorely . i tried to eat my parting breakfast , but my tears dropped upon my bread and , and trickled into my tea . i saw my mother look at me sometimes , and then glance at the watchful miss murdstone , and than look down , or look away . master copperfields box there . said miss murdstone , when wheels were heard at the gate . i looked for peggotty , but it was not she neither she nor mr . murdstone appeared . my former acquaintance , the carrier , was at the door . the box was taken out to his cart , and lifted in . clara . said miss murdstone , in her warning note . ready , my dear jane , returned my mother . good bye, , davy . you are going for your own good . good bye, , my child . you will come home in the holidays , and be a better boy . clara . miss murdstone repeated . certainly , my dear jane , replied my mother , who was holding me . i forgive you , my dear boy . god bless you . clara . miss murdstone repeated . miss murdstone was good enough to take me out to the cart , and to say on the way that she hoped i would repent , before i came to a bad end and then i got into the cart , and the lazy horse walked off with it . chapter . i am sent away from home we might have gone about half a mile , and my pocket handkerchief was quite wet through , when the carrier stopped short . looking out to ascertain for what , i saw , to my amazement , peggotty burst from a hedge and climb into the cart . she took me in both her arms , and squeezed me to her stays until the pressure on my nose was extremely painful , though i never thought of that till afterwards when i found it very tender . not a single word did peggotty speak . releasing one of her arms , she put it down in her pocket to the elbow , and brought out some paper bags of cakes which she crammed into my pockets , and a purse which she put into my hand , but not one word did she say . after another and a final squeeze with both arms , she got down from the cart and ran away and , my belief is , and has always been , without a solitary button on her gown . i picked up one , of several that were rolling about , and treasured it as a keepsake for a long time . the carrier looked at me , as if to inquire if she were coming back . i shook my head , and said i thought not . then come up , said the carrier to the lazy horse who came up accordingly . having by this time cried as much as i possibly could , i began to think it was of no use crying any more , especially as neither roderick random , nor that captain in the royal british navy , had ever cried , that i could remember , in trying situations . the carrier , seeing me in this resolution , proposed that my pocket handkerchief should be spread upon the horses back to dry . i thanked him , and assented and particularly small it looked , under those circumstances . i had now leisure to examine the purse . it was a stiff leather purse , with a snap , and had three bright shillings in it , which peggotty had evidently polished up with whitening , for my greater delight . but its most precious contents were two half crowns folded together in a bit of paper , on which was written , in my mothers hand , for davy . with my love . i was so overcome by this , that i asked the carrier to be so good as to reach me my pocket handkerchief again but he said he thought i had better do without it , and i thought i really had , so i wiped my eyes on my sleeve and stopped myself . for good , too though , in consequence of my previous emotions , i was still occasionally seized with a stormy sob . after we had jogged on for some little time , i asked the carrier if he was going all the way . all the way where . inquired the carrier . there , i said . wheres there . inquired the carrier . near london , i said . why that horse , said the carrier , jerking the rein to point him out , would be deader than pork afore he got over half the ground . are you only going to yarmouth then . i asked . thats about it , said the carrier . and there i shall take you to the stage cutch, , and the stage cutch thatll take you to  it is . as this was a great deal for the carrier to say  being , as i observed in a former chapter , of a phlegmatic temperament , and not at all conversational  offered him a cake as a mark of attention , which he ate at one gulp , exactly like an elephant , and which made no more impression on his big face than it would have done on an elephants . did she make em , now . said mr . barkis , always leaning forward , in his slouching way , on the footboard of the cart with an arm on each knee . peggotty , do you mean , sir . ah . said mr . barkis . her . yes . she makes all our pastry , and does all our cooking . do she though . said mr . barkis . he made up his mouth as if to whistle , but he didnt whistle . he sat looking at the horses ears , as if he saw something new there and sat so , for a considerable time . by and by , he said no sweethearts , i blieve . sweetmeats did you say , mr . barkis . for i thought he wanted something else to eat , and had pointedly alluded to that description of refreshment . hearts , said mr . barkis . sweet hearts no person walks with her . with peggotty . ah . he said . her . oh , no . she never had a sweetheart . didnt she , though . said mr . barkis . again he made up his mouth to whistle , and again he didnt whistle , but sat looking at the horses ears . so she makes , said mr . barkis , after a long interval of reflection , all the apple parsties , and doos all the cooking , do she . i replied that such was the fact . well . ill tell you what , said mr . barkis . praps you might be writin to her . i shall certainly write to her , i rejoined . ah . he said , slowly turning his eyes towards me . well . if you was writin to her , praps youd recollect to say that barkis was willin would you . that barkis is willing , i repeated , innocently . is that all the message . ye es, , he said , considering . ye es . barkis is willin . but you will be at blunderstone again tomorrow , mr . barkis , i said , faltering a little at the idea of my being far away from it then , and could give your own message so much better . as he repudiated this suggestion , however , with a jerk of his head , and once more confirmed his previous request by saying , with profound gravity , barkis is willin . thats the message , i readily undertook its transmission . while i was waiting for the coach in the hotel at yarmouth that very afternoon , i procured a sheet of paper and an inkstand , and wrote a note to peggotty , which ran thus my dear peggotty . i have come here safe . barkis is willing . my love to mama . yours affectionately . p . s . he says he particularly wants you to know  is willing . when i had taken this commission on myself prospectively , mr . barkis relapsed into perfect silence and i , feeling quite worn out by all that had happened lately , lay down on a sack in the cart and fell asleep . i slept soundly until we got to yarmouth which was so entirely new and strange to me in the inn yard to which we drove , that i at once abandoned a latent hope i had of meeting with some of mr . peggottys family there , perhaps even with little emly herself . the coach was in the yard , shining very much all over , but without any horses to it as yet and it looked in that state as if nothing was more unlikely than its ever going to london . i was thinking this , and wondering what would ultimately become of my box , which mr . barkis had put down on the yard pavement by the pole he having driven up the yard to turn his cart , and also what would ultimately become of me , when a lady looked out of a bow window where some fowls and joints of meat were hanging up , and said is that the little gentleman from blunderstone . yes , maam , i said . what name . inquired the lady . copperfield , maam , i said . that wont do , returned the lady . nobodys dinner is paid for here , in that name . is it murdstone , maam . i said . if youre master murdstone , said the lady , why do you go and give another name , first . i explained to the lady how it was , who than rang a bell , and called out , william . show the coffee room . upon which a waiter came running out of a kitchen on the opposite side of the yard to show it , and seemed a good deal surprised when he was only to show it to me . it was a large long room with some large maps in it . i doubt if i could have felt much stranger if the maps had been real foreign countries , and i cast away in the middle of them . i felt it was taking a liberty to sit down , with my cap in my hand , on the corner of the chair nearest the door and when the waiter laid a cloth on purpose for me , and put a set of castors on it , i think i must have turned red all over with modesty . he brought me some chops , and vegetables , and took the covers off in such a bouncing manner that i was afraid i must have given him some offence . but he greatly relieved my mind by putting a chair for me at the table , and saying , very affably , now , six foot . come on . i thanked him , and took my seat at the board but found it extremely difficult to handle my knife and fork with anything like dexterity , or to avoid splashing myself with the gravy , while he was standing opposite , staring so hard , and making me blush in the most dreadful manner every time i caught his eye . after watching me into the second chop , he said theres half a pint of ale for you . will you have it now . i thanked him and said , yes . upon which he poured it out of a jug into a large tumbler , and held it up against the light , and made it look beautiful . my eye . he said . it seems a good deal , dont it . it does seem a good deal , i answered with a smile . for it was quite delightful to me , to find him so pleasant . he was a twinkling eyed, , pimple faced man , with his hair standing upright all over his head and as he stood with one arm a kimbo, , holding up the glass to the light with the other hand , he looked quite friendly . there was a gentleman here , yesterday , he said  stout gentleman , by the name of topsawyer  you know him . no , i said , i dont think  in breeches and gaiters , broad brimmed hat , grey coat , speckled choker , said the waiter . no , i said bashfully , i havent the pleasure  he came in here , said the waiter , looking at the light through the tumbler , ordered a glass of this ale  order it  told him not  it , and fell dead . it was too old for him . it oughtnt to be drawn thats the fact . i was very much shocked to hear of this melancholy accident , and said i thought i had better have some water . why you see , said the waiter , still looking at the light through the tumbler , with one of his eyes shut up , our people dont like things being ordered and left . it offends em . but ill drink it , if you like . im used to it , and use is everything . i dont think itll hurt me , if i throw my head back , and take it off quick . shall i . i replied that he would much oblige me by drinking it , if he thought he could do it safely , but by no means otherwise . when he did throw his head back , and take it off quick , i had a horrible fear , i confess , of seeing him meet the fate of the lamented mr . topsawyer , and fall lifeless on the carpet . but it didnt hurt him . on the contrary , i thought he seemed the fresher for it . what have we got here . he said , putting a fork into my dish . not chops . chops , i said . lord bless my soul . he exclaimed , i didnt know they were chops . why , a chops the very thing to take off the bad effects of that beer . aint it lucky . so he took a chop by the bone in one hand , and a potato in the other , and ate away with a very good appetite , to my extreme satisfaction . he afterwards took another chop , and another potato and after that , another chop and another potato . when we had done , he brought me a pudding , and having set it before me , seemed to ruminate , and to become absent in his mind for some moments . hows the pie . he said , rousing himself . its a pudding , i made answer . pudding . he exclaimed . why , bless me , so it is . what . looking at it nearer . you dont mean to say its a batter pudding . yes , it is indeed . why , a batter pudding, , he said , taking up a table spoon, , is my favourite pudding . aint that lucky . come on , little un , and lets see wholl get most . the waiter certainly got most . he entreated me more than once to come in and win , but what with his table spoon to my tea spoon, , his dispatch to my dispatch , and his appetite to my appetite , i was left far behind at the first mouthful , and had no chance with him . i never saw anyone enjoy a pudding so much , i think and he laughed , when it was all gone , as if his enjoyment of it lasted still . finding him so very friendly and companionable , it was then that i asked for the pen and ink and paper , to write to peggotty . he not only brought it immediately , but was good enough to look over me while i wrote the letter . when i had finished it , he asked me where i was going to school . i said , near london , which was all i knew . oh . my eye . he said , looking very low spirited, , i am sorry for that . why . i asked him . oh , lord . he said , shaking his head , thats the school where they broke the boys ribs  little boy he was . i should say he was  me see  old are you , about . i told him between eight and nine . thats just his age , he said . he was eight years and six months old when they broke his first rib eight years and eight months old when they broke his second , and did for him . i could not disguise from myself , or from the waiter , that this was an uncomfortable coincidence , and inquired how it was done . his answer was not cheering to my spirits , for it consisted of two dismal words , with whopping . the blowing of the coach horn in the yard was a seasonable diversion , which made me get up and hesitatingly inquire , in the mingled pride and diffidence of having a purse if there were anything to pay . theres a sheet of letter paper, , he returned . did you ever buy a sheet of letter paper . i could not remember that i ever had . its dear , he said , on account of the duty . threepence . thats the way were taxed in this country . theres nothing else , except the waiter . never mind the ink . i lose by that . what should you  should i  much ought i to  would it be right to pay the waiter , if you please . i stammered , blushing . if i hadnt a family , and that family hadnt the cowpock , said the waiter , i wouldnt take a sixpence . if i didnt support a aged pairint , and a lovely sister  , the waiter was greatly agitated  wouldnt take a farthing . if i had a good place , and was treated well here , i should beg acceptance of a trifle , instead of taking of it . but i live on broken wittles  i sleep on the coals  the waiter burst into tears . i was very much concerned for his misfortunes , and felt that any recognition short of ninepence would be mere brutality and hardness of heart . therefore i gave him one of my three bright shillings , which he received with much humility and veneration , and spun up with his thumb , directly afterwards , to try the goodness of . it was a little disconcerting to me , to find , when i was being helped up behind the coach , that i was supposed to have eaten all the dinner without any assistance . i discovered this , from overhearing the lady in the bow window say to the guard , take care of that child , george , or hell burst . and from observing that the women servants who were about the place came out to look and giggle at me as a young phenomenon . my unfortunate friend the waiter , who had quite recovered his spirits , did not appear to be disturbed by this , but joined in the general admiration without being at all confused . if i had any doubt of him , i suppose this half awakened it but i am inclined to believe that with the simple confidence of a child , and the natural reliance of a child upon superior years qualities i am very sorry any children should prematurely change for worldly wisdom , i had no serious mistrust of him on the whole , even then . i felt it rather hard , i must own , to be made , without deserving it , the subject of jokes between the coachman and guard as to the coach drawing heavy behind , on account of my sitting there , and as to the greater expediency of my travelling by waggon . the story of my supposed appetite getting wind among the outside passengers , they were merry upon it likewise and asked me whether i was going to be paid for , at school , as two brothers or three , and whether i was contracted for , or went upon the regular terms with other pleasant questions . but the worst of it was , that i knew i should be ashamed to eat anything , when an opportunity offered , and that , after a rather light dinner , i should remain hungry all night  i had left my cakes behind , at the hotel , in my hurry . my apprehensions were realized . when we stopped for supper i couldnt muster courage to take any , though i should have liked it very much , but sat by the fire and said i didnt want anything . this did not save me from more jokes , either for a husky voiced gentleman with a rough face , who had been eating out of a sandwich box nearly all the way , except when he had been drinking out of a bottle , said i was like a boa constrictor who took enough at one meal to last him a long time after which , he actually brought a rash out upon himself with boiled beef . we had started from yarmouth at three oclock in the afternoon , and we were due in london about eight next morning . it was mid summer weather , and the evening was very pleasant . when we passed through a village , i pictured to myself what the insides of the houses were like , and what the inhabitants were about and when boys came running after us , and got up behind and swung there for a little way , i wondered whether their fathers were alive , and whether they were happy at home . i had plenty to think of , therefore , besides my mind running continually on the kind of place i was going to  was an awful speculation . sometimes , i remember , i resigned myself to thoughts of home and peggotty and to endeavouring , in a confused blind way , to recall how i had felt , and what sort of boy i used to be , before i bit mr . murdstone which i couldnt satisfy myself about by any means , i seemed to have bitten him in such a remote antiquity . the night was not so pleasant as the evening , for it got chilly and being put between two gentlemen to prevent my tumbling off the coach , i was nearly smothered by their falling asleep , and completely blocking me up . they squeezed me so hard sometimes , that i could not help crying out , oh . if you please . they didnt like at all , because it woke them . opposite me was an elderly lady in a great fur cloak , who looked in the dark more like a haystack than a lady , she was wrapped up to such a degree . this lady had a basket with her , and she hadnt known what to do with it , for a long time , until she found that on account of my legs being short , it could go underneath me . it cramped and hurt me so , that it made me perfectly miserable but if i moved in the least , and made a glass that was in the basket rattle against something else she gave me the cruellest poke with her foot , and said , come , dont you fidget . your bones are young enough , im sure . at last the sun rose , and then my companions seemed to sleep easier . the difficulties under which they had laboured all night , and which had found utterance in the most terrific gasps and snorts , are not to be conceived . as the sun got higher , their sleep became lighter , and so they gradually one by one awoke . i recollect being very much surprised by the feint everybody made , then , of not having been to sleep at all , and by the uncommon indignation with which everyone repelled the charge . i labour under the same kind of astonishment to this day , having invariably observed that of all human weaknesses , the one to which our common nature is the least disposed to confess is the weakness of having gone to sleep in a coach . what an amazing place london was to me when i saw it in the distance , and how i believed all the adventures of all my favourite heroes to be constantly enacting and re enacting there , and how i vaguely made it out in my own mind to be fuller of wonders and wickedness than all the cities of the earth , i need not stop here to relate . we approached it by degrees , and got , in due time , to the inn in the whitechapel district , for which we were bound . i forget whether it was the blue bull , or the blue boar but i know it was the blue something , and that its likeness was painted up on the back of the coach . the guards eye lighted on me as he was getting down , and he said at the booking office door is there anybody here for a yoongster booked in the name of murdstone , from bloonderstone , sooffolk , to be left till called for . nobody answered . try copperfield , if you please , sir , said i , looking helplessly down . is there anybody here for a yoongster , booked in the name of murdstone , from bloonderstone , sooffolk , but owning to the name of copperfield , to be left till called for . said the guard . come . is there anybody . no . there was nobody . i looked anxiously around but the inquiry made no impression on any of the bystanders , if i except a man in gaiters , with one eye , who suggested that they had better put a brass collar round my neck , and tie me up in the stable . a ladder was brought , and i got down after the lady , who was like a haystack not daring to stir , until her basket was removed . the coach was clear of passengers by that time , the luggage was very soon cleared out , the horses had been taken out before the luggage , and now the coach itself was wheeled and backed off by some hostlers , out of the way . still , nobody appeared , to claim the dusty youngster from blunderstone , suffolk . more solitary than robinson crusoe , who had nobody to look at him and see that he was solitary , i went into the booking office, , and , by invitation of the clerk on duty , passed behind the counter , and sat down on the scale at which they weighed the luggage . here , as i sat looking at the parcels , packages , and books , and inhaling the smell of stables a procession of most tremendous considerations began to march through my mind . supposing nobody should ever fetch me , how long would they consent to keep me there . would they keep me long enough to spend seven shillings . should i sleep at night in one of those wooden bins , with the other luggage , and wash myself at the pump in the yard in the morning or should i be turned out every night , and expected to come again to be left till called for , when the office opened next day . supposing there was no mistake in the case , and mr . murdstone had devised this plan to get rid of me , what should i do . if they allowed me to remain there until my seven shillings were spent , i couldnt hope to remain there when i began to starve . that would obviously be inconvenient and unpleasant to the customers , besides entailing on the blue whatever it , the risk of funeral expenses . if i started off at once , and tried to walk back home , how could i ever find my way , how could i ever hope to walk so far , how could i make sure of anyone but peggotty , even if i got back . if i found out the nearest proper authorities , and offered myself to go for a soldier , or a sailor , i was such a little fellow that it was most likely they wouldnt take me in . these thoughts , and a hundred other such thoughts , turned me burning hot , and made me giddy with apprehension and dismay . i was in the height of my fever when a man entered and whispered to the clerk , who presently slanted me off the scale , and pushed me over to him , as if i were weighed , bought , delivered , and paid for . as i went out of the office , hand in hand with this new acquaintance , i stole a look at him . he was a gaunt , sallow young man , with hollow cheeks , and a chin almost as black as mr . murdstones but there the likeness ended , for his whiskers were shaved off , and his hair , instead of being glossy , was rusty and dry . he was dressed in a suit of black clothes which were rather rusty and dry too , and rather short in the sleeves and legs and he had a white neck kerchief on , that was not over clean . i did not , and do not , suppose that this neck kerchief was all the linen he wore , but it was all he showed or gave any hint of . youre the new boy . he said . yes , sir , i said . i supposed i was . i didnt know . im one of the masters at salem house , he said . i made him a bow and felt very much overawed . i was so ashamed to allude to a commonplace thing like my box , to a scholar and a master at salem house , that we had gone some little distance from the yard before i had the hardihood to mention it . we turned back , on my humbly insinuating that it might be useful to me hereafter and he told the clerk that the carrier had instructions to call for it at noon . if you please , sir , i said , when we had accomplished about the same distance as before , is it far . its down by blackheath , he said . is that far , sir . i diffidently asked . its a good step , he said . we shall go by the stage coach . its about six miles . i was so faint and tired , that the idea of holding out for six miles more , was too much for me . i took heart to tell him that i had nothing all night , and that if he would allow me to buy something to eat , i should be very much obliged to him . he appeared surprised at this  see him stop and look at me now  after considering for a few moments , said he wanted to call on an old person who lived not far off , and that the best way would be for me to buy some bread , or whatever i liked best that was wholesome , and make my breakfast at her house , where we could get some milk . accordingly we looked in at a bakers window , and after i had made a series of proposals to buy everything that was bilious in the shop , and he had rejected them one by one , we decided in favour of a nice little loaf of brown bread , which cost me threepence . then , at a grocers shop , we bought an egg and a slice of streaky bacon which still left what i thought a good deal of change , out of the second of the bright shillings , and made me consider london a very cheap place . these provisions laid in , we went on through a great noise and uproar that confused my weary head beyond description , and over a bridge which , no doubt , was london bridge indeed i think he told me so , but i was half asleep , until we came to the poor persons house , which was a part of some alms houses, , as i knew by their look , and by an inscription on a stone over the gate which said they were established for twenty five poor women . the master at salem house lifted the latch of one of a number of little black doors that were all alike , and had each a little diamond paned window on one side , and another little diamond  window above and we went into the little house of one of these poor old women , who was blowing a fire to make a little saucepan boil . on seeing the master enter , the old woman stopped with the bellows on her knee , and said something that i thought sounded like my charley . but on seeing me come in too , she got up , and rubbing her hands made a confused sort of half curtsey . can you cook this young gentlemans breakfast for him , if you please . said the master at salem house . can i . said the old woman . yes can i , sure . hows mrs . fibbitson today . said the master , looking at another old woman in a large chair by the fire , who was such a bundle of clothes that i feel grateful to this hour for not having sat upon her by mistake . ah , shes poorly , said the first old woman . its one of her bad days . if the fire was to go out , through any accident , i verily believe shed go out too , and never come to life again . as they looked at her , i looked at her also . although it was a warm day , she seemed to think of nothing but the fire . i fancied she was jealous even of the saucepan on it and i have reason to know that she took its impressment into the service of boiling my egg and broiling my bacon , in dudgeon for i saw her , with my own discomfited eyes , shake her fist at me once , when those culinary operations were going on , and no one else was looking . the sun streamed in at the little window , but she sat with her own back and the back of the large chair towards it , screening the fire as if she were sedulously keeping it warm , instead of it keeping her warm , and watching it in a most distrustful manner . the completion of the preparations for my breakfast , by relieving the fire , gave her such extreme joy that she laughed aloud  a very unmelodious laugh she had , i must say . i sat down to my brown loaf , my egg , and my rasher of bacon , with a basin of milk besides , and made a most delicious meal . while i was yet in the full enjoyment of it , the old woman of the house said to the master have you got your flute with you . yes , he returned . have a blow at it , said the old woman , coaxingly . do . the master , upon this , put his hand underneath the skirts of his coat , and brought out his flute in three pieces , which he screwed together , and began immediately to play . my impression is , after many years of consideration , that there never can have been anybody in the world who played worse . he made the most dismal sounds i have ever heard produced by any means , natural or artificial . i dont know what the tunes were  there were such things in the performance at all , which i doubt  the influence of the strain upon me was , first , to make me think of all my sorrows until i could hardly keep my tears back then to take away my appetite and lastly , to make me so sleepy that i couldnt keep my eyes open . they begin to close again , and i begin to nod , as the recollection rises fresh upon me . once more the little room , with its open corner cupboard , and its square backed chairs , and its angular little staircase leading to the room above , and its three peacocks feathers displayed over the mantelpiece  remember wondering when i first went in , what that peacock would have thought if he had known what his finery was doomed to come to  from before me , and i nod , and sleep . the flute becomes inaudible , the wheels of the coach are heard instead , and i am on my journey . the coach jolts , i wake with a start , and the flute has come back again , and the master at salem house is sitting with his legs crossed , playing it dolefully , while the old woman of the house looks on delighted . she fades in her turn , and he fades , and all fades , and there is no flute , no master , no salem house , no david copperfield , no anything but heavy sleep . i dreamed , i thought , that once while he was blowing into this dismal flute , the old woman of the house , who had gone nearer and nearer to him in her ecstatic admiration , leaned over the back of his chair and gave him an affectionate squeeze round the neck , which stopped his playing for a moment . i was in the middle state between sleeping and waking , either then or immediately afterwards for , as he resumed  was a real fact that he had stopped playing  saw and heard the same old woman ask mrs . fibbitson if it wasnt delicious to which mrs . fibbitson replied , ay , . yes . and nodded at the fire to which , i am persuaded , she gave the credit of the whole performance . when i seemed to have been dozing a long while , the master at salem house unscrewed his flute into the three pieces , put them up as before , and took me away . we found the coach very near at hand , and got upon the roof but i was so dead sleepy , that when we stopped on the road to take up somebody else , they put me inside where there were no passengers , and where i slept profoundly , until i found the coach going at a footpace up a steep hill among green leaves . presently , it stopped , and had come to its destination . a short walk brought us  mean the master and me  salem house , which was enclosed with a high brick wall , and looked very dull . over a door in this wall was a board with salem house upon it and through a grating in this door we were surveyed when we rang the bell by a surly face , which i found , on the door being opened , belonged to a stout man with a bull neck, , a wooden leg , overhanging temples , and his hair cut close all round his head . the new boy , said the master . the man with the wooden leg eyed me all over  didnt take long , for there was not much of me  locked the gate behind us , and took out the key . we were going up to the house , among some dark heavy trees , when he called after my conductor . hallo . we looked back , and he was standing at the door of a little lodge , where he lived , with a pair of boots in his hand . here . the cobblers been , he said , since youve been out , mr . mell , and he says he cant mend em any more . he says there aint a bit of the original boot left , and he wonders you expect it . with these words he threw the boots towards mr . mell , who went back a few paces to pick them up , and looked at them very disconsolately , i was afraid , as we went on together . i observed then , for the first time , that the boots he had on were a good deal the worse for wear , and that his stocking was just breaking out in one place , like a bud . salem house was a square brick building with wings of a bare and unfurnished appearance . all about it was so very quiet , that i said to mr . mell i supposed the boys were out but he seemed surprised at my not knowing that it was holiday time . that all the boys were at their several homes . that mr . creakle , the proprietor , was down by the sea side with mrs . and miss creakle and that i was sent in holiday time as a punishment for my misdoing , all of which he explained to me as we went along . i gazed upon the schoolroom into which he took me , as the most forlorn and desolate place i had ever seen . i see it now . a long room with three long rows of desks , and six of forms , and bristling all round with pegs for hats and slates . scraps of old copy books and exercises litter the dirty floor . some silkworms houses , made of the same materials , are scattered over the desks . two miserable little white mice , left behind by their owner , are running up and down in a fusty castle made of pasteboard and wire , looking in all the corners with their red eyes for anything to eat . a bird , in a cage very little bigger than himself , makes a mournful rattle now and then in hopping on his perch , two inches high , or dropping from it but neither sings nor chirps . there is a strange unwholesome smell upon the room , like mildewed corduroys , sweet apples wanting air , and rotten books . there could not well be more ink splashed about it , if it had been roofless from its first construction , and the skies had rained , snowed , hailed , and blown ink through the varying seasons of the year . mr . mell having left me while he took his irreparable boots upstairs , i went softly to the upper end of the room , observing all this as i crept along . suddenly i came upon a pasteboard placard , beautifully written , which was lying on the desk , and bore these words take care of him . he bites . i got upon the desk immediately , apprehensive of at least a great dog underneath . but , though i looked all round with anxious eyes , i could see nothing of him . i was still engaged in peering about , when mr . mell came back , and asked me what i did up there . i beg your pardon , sir , says i , if you please , im looking for the dog . dog . he says . what dog . isnt it a dog , sir . isnt what a dog . thats to be taken care of , sir that bites . no , copperfield , says he , gravely , thats not a dog . thats a boy . my instructions are , copperfield , to put this placard on your back . i am sorry to make such a beginning with you , but i must do it . with that he took me down , and tied the placard , which was neatly constructed for the purpose , on my shoulders like a knapsack and wherever i went , afterwards , i had the consolation of carrying it . what i suffered from that placard , nobody can imagine . whether it was possible for people to see me or not , i always fancied that somebody was reading it . it was no relief to turn round and find nobody for wherever my back was , there i imagined somebody always to be . that cruel man with the wooden leg aggravated my sufferings . he was in authority and if he ever saw me leaning against a tree , or a wall , or the house , he roared out from his lodge door in a stupendous voice , hallo , you sir . you copperfield . show that badge conspicuous , or ill report you . the playground was a bare gravelled yard , open to all the back of the house and the offices and i knew that the servants read it , and the butcher read it , and the baker read it that everybody , in a word , who came backwards and forwards to the house , of a morning when i was ordered to walk there , read that i was to be taken care of , for i bit , i recollect that i positively began to have a dread of myself , as a kind of wild boy who did bite . there was an old door in this playground , on which the boys had a custom of carving their names . it was completely covered with such inscriptions . in my dread of the end of the vacation and their coming back , i could not read a boys name , without inquiring in what tone and with what emphasis he would read , take care of him . he bites . there was one boy  certain j . steerforth  cut his name very deep and very often , who , i conceived , would read it in a rather strong voice , and afterwards pull my hair . there was another boy , one tommy traddles , who i dreaded would make game of it , and pretend to be dreadfully frightened of me . there was a third , george demple , who i fancied would sing it . i have looked , a little shrinking creature , at that door , until the owners of all the names  were five and of them in the school then , mr . mell said  to send me to coventry by general acclamation , and to cry out , each in his own way , take care of him . he bites . it was the same with the places at the desks and forms . it was the same with the groves of deserted bedsteads i peeped at , on my way to , and when i was in , my own bed . i remember dreaming night after night , of being with my mother as she used to be , or of going to a party at mr . peggottys , or of travelling outside the stage coach, , or of dining again with my unfortunate friend the waiter , and in all these circumstances making people scream and stare , by the unhappy disclosure that i had nothing on but my little night shirt, , and that placard . in the monotony of my life , and in my constant apprehension of the re opening of the school , it was such an insupportable affliction . i had long tasks every day to do with mr . mell but i did them , there being no mr . and miss murdstone here , and got through them without disgrace . before , and after them , i walked about  , as i have mentioned , by the man with the wooden leg . how vividly i call to mind the damp about the house , the green cracked flagstones in the court , an old leaky water butt, , and the discoloured trunks of some of the grim trees , which seemed to have dripped more in the rain than other trees , and to have blown less in the sun . at one we dined , mr . mell and i , at the upper end of a long bare dining room, , full of deal tables , and smelling of fat . then , we had more tasks until tea , which mr . mell drank out of a blue teacup , and i out of a tin pot . all day long , and until seven or eight in the evening , mr . mell , at his own detached desk in the schoolroom , worked hard with pen , ink , ruler , books , and writing paper, , making out the bills for last half year . when he had put up his things for the night he took out his flute , and blew at it , until i almost thought he would gradually blow his whole being into the large hole at the top , and ooze away at the keys . i picture my small self in the dimly lighted rooms , sitting with my head upon my hand , listening to the doleful performance of mr . mell , and conning tomorrows lessons . i picture myself with my books shut up , still listening to the doleful performance of mr . mell , and listening through it to what used to be at home , and to the blowing of the wind on yarmouth flats , and feeling very sad and solitary . i picture myself going up to bed , among the unused rooms , and sitting on my bed side crying for a comfortable word from peggotty . i picture myself coming downstairs in the morning , and looking through a long ghastly gash of a staircase window at the school bell hanging on the top of an out house with a weathercock above it and dreading the time when it shall ring j . steerforth and the rest to work which is only second , in my foreboding apprehensions , to the time when the man with the wooden leg shall unlock the rusty gate to give admission to the awful mr . creakle . i cannot think i was a very dangerous character in any of these aspects , but in all of them i carried the same warning on my back . mr . mell never said much to me , but he was never harsh to me . i suppose we were company to each other , without talking . i forgot to mention that he would talk to himself sometimes , and grin , and clench his fist , and grind his teeth , and pull his hair in an unaccountable manner . but he had these peculiarities and at first they frightened me , though i soon got used to them . chapter . i enlarge my circle of acquaintance i had led this life about a month , when the man with the wooden leg began to stump about with a mop and a bucket of water , from which i inferred that preparations were making to receive mr . creakle and the boys . i was not mistaken for the mop came into the schoolroom before long , and turned out mr . mell and me , who lived where we could , and got on how we could , for some days , during which we were always in the way of two or three young women , who had rarely shown themselves before , and were so continually in the midst of dust that i sneezed almost as much as if salem house had been a great snuff box . one day i was informed by mr . mell that mr . creakle would be home that evening . in the evening , after tea , i heard that he was come . before bedtime , i was fetched by the man with the wooden leg to appear before him . mr . creakles part of the house was a good deal more comfortable than ours , and he had a snug bit of garden that looked pleasant after the dusty playground , which was such a desert in miniature , that i thought no one but a camel , or a dromedary , could have felt at home in it . it seemed to me a bold thing even to take notice that the passage looked comfortable , as i went on my way , trembling , to mr . creakles presence which so abashed me , when i was ushered into it , that i hardly saw mrs . creakle or miss creakle or anything but mr . creakle , a stout gentleman with a bunch of watch chain and seals , in an arm chair, , with a tumbler and bottle beside him . so . said mr . creakle . this is the young gentleman whose teeth are to be filed . turn him round . the wooden legged man turned me about so as to exhibit the placard and having afforded time for a full survey of it , turned me about again , with my face to mr . creakle , and posted himself at mr . creakles side . mr . creakles face was fiery , and his eyes were small , and deep in his head he had thick veins in his forehead , a little nose , and a large chin . he was bald on the top of his head and had some thin wet looking hair that was just turning grey , brushed across each temple , so that the two sides interlaced on his forehead . but the circumstance about him which impressed me most , was , that he had no voice , but spoke in a whisper . the exertion this cost him , or the consciousness of talking in that feeble way , made his angry face so much more angry , and his thick veins so much thicker , when he spoke , that i am not surprised , on looking back , at this peculiarity striking me as his chief one . now , said mr . creakle . whats the report of this boy . theres nothing against him yet , returned the man with the wooden leg . there has been no opportunity . i thought mr . creakle was disappointed . i thought mrs . and miss creakle at whom i now glanced for the first time , and who were , both , thin and quiet were not disappointed . come here , sir . said mr . creakle , beckoning to me . come here . said the man with the wooden leg , repeating the gesture . i have the happiness of knowing your father in , whispered mr . creakle , taking me by the ear and a worthy man he is , and a man of a strong character . he knows me , and i know him . do you know me . hey . said mr . creakle , pinching my ear with ferocious playfulness . not yet , sir , i said , flinching with the pain . not yet . hey . repeated mr . creakle . but you will soon . hey . you will soon . hey . repeated the man with the wooden leg . i afterwards found that he generally acted , with his strong voice , as mr . creakles interpreter to the boys . i was very much frightened , and said , i hoped so , if he pleased . i felt , all this while , as if my ear were blazing he pinched it so hard . ill tell you what i am , whispered mr . creakle , letting it go at last , with a screw at parting that brought the water into my eyes . im a tartar . a tartar , said the man with the wooden leg . when i say ill do a thing , i do it , said mr . creakle and when i say i will have a thing done , i will have it done . have a thing done , i will have it done , repeated the man with the wooden leg . i am a determined character , said mr . creakle . thats what i am . i do my duty . thats what i do . my flesh and blood  looked at mrs . creakle as he said this  it rises against me , is not my flesh and blood . i discard it . has that fellow  the man with the wooden leg  here again . no , was the answer . no , said mr . creakle . he knows better . he knows me . let him keep away . i say let him keep away , said mr . creakle , striking his hand upon the table , and looking at mrs . creakle , for he knows me . now you have begun to know me too , my young friend , and you may go . take him away . i was very glad to be ordered away , for mrs . and miss creakle were both wiping their eyes , and i felt as uncomfortable for them as i did for myself . but i had a petition on my mind which concerned me so nearly , that i couldnt help saying , though i wondered at my own courage if you please , sir  mr . creakle whispered , hah . whats this . and bent his eyes upon me , as if he would have burnt me up with them . if you please , sir , i faltered , if i might be allowed i am very sorry indeed , sir , for what i did to take this writing off , before the boys come back  whether mr . creakle was in earnest , or whether he only did it to frighten me , i dont know , but he made a burst out of his chair , before which i precipitately retreated , without waiting for the escort of the man with the wooden leg , and never once stopped until i reached my own bedroom , where , finding i was not pursued , i went to bed , as it was time , and lay quaking , for a couple of hours . next morning mr . sharp came back . mr . sharp was the first master , and superior to mr . mell . mr . mell took his meals with the boys , but mr . sharp dined and supped at mr . creakles table . he was a limp , delicate looking gentleman , i thought , with a good deal of nose , and a way of carrying his head on one side , as if it were a little too heavy for him . his hair was very smooth and wavy but i was informed by the very first boy who came back that it was a wig a second hand one he said , and that mr . sharp went out every saturday afternoon to get it curled . it was no other than tommy traddles who gave me this piece of intelligence . he was the first boy who returned . he introduced himself by informing me that i should find his name on the right hand corner of the gate , over the top bolt upon that i said , traddles . to which he replied , the same , and then he asked me for a full account of myself and family . it was a happy circumstance for me that traddles came back first . he enjoyed my placard so much , that he saved me from the embarrassment of either disclosure or concealment , by presenting me to every other boy who came back , great or small , immediately on his arrival , in this form of introduction , look here . heres a game . happily , too , the greater part of the boys came back low spirited, , and were not so boisterous at my expense as i had expected . some of them certainly did dance about me like wild indians , and the greater part could not resist the temptation of pretending that i was a dog , and patting and soothing me , lest i should bite , and saying , lie down , sir . and calling me towzer . this was naturally confusing , among so many strangers , and cost me some tears , but on the whole it was much better than i had anticipated . i was not considered as being formally received into the school , however , until j . steerforth arrived . before this boy , who was reputed to be a great scholar , and was very good looking, , and at least half a years my senior , i was carried as before a magistrate . he inquired , under a shed in the playground , into the particulars of my punishment , and was pleased to express his opinion that it was a jolly shame for which i became bound to him ever afterwards . what money have you got , copperfield . he said , walking aside with me when he had disposed of my affair in these terms . i told him seven shillings . you had better give it to me to take care of , he said . at least , you can if you like . you neednt if you dont like . i hastened to comply with his friendly suggestion , and opening peggottys purse , turned it upside down into his hand . do you want to spend anything now . he asked me . no thank you , i replied . you can , if you like , you know , said steerforth . say the word . no , thank you , sir , i repeated . perhaps youd like to spend a couple of shillings or so , in a bottle of currant wine by and by , up in the bedroom . said steerforth . you belong to my bedroom , i find . it certainly had not occurred to me before , but i said , yes , i should like that . very good , said steerforth . youll be glad to spend another shilling or so , in almond cakes , i dare say . i said , yes , i should like that , too . and another shilling or so in biscuits , and another in fruit , eh . said steerforth . i say , young copperfield , youre going it . i smiled because he smiled , but i was a little troubled in my mind , too . well . said steerforth . we must make it stretch as far as we can thats all . ill do the best in my power for you . i can go out when i like , and ill smuggle the prog in . with these words he put the money in his pocket , and kindly told me not to make myself uneasy he would take care it should be all right . he was as good as his word , if that were all right which i had a secret misgiving was nearly all wrong  i feared it was a waste of my mothers two half crowns i had preserved the piece of paper they were wrapped in which was a precious saving . when we went upstairs to bed , he produced the whole seven shillings worth , and laid it out on my bed in the moonlight , saying there you are , young copperfield , and a royal spread youve got . i couldnt think of doing the honours of the feast , at my time of life , while he was by my hand shook at the very thought of it . i begged him to do me the favour of presiding and my request being seconded by the other boys who were in that room , he acceded to it , and sat upon my pillow , handing round the viands  perfect fairness , i must say  dispensing the currant wine in a little glass without a foot , which was his own property . as to me , i sat on his left hand , and the rest were grouped about us , on the nearest beds and on the floor . how well i recollect our sitting there , talking in whispers or their talking , and my respectfully listening , i ought rather to say the moonlight falling a little way into the room , through the window , painting a pale window on the floor , and the greater part of us in shadow , except when steerforth dipped a match into a phosphorus box, , when he wanted to look for anything on the board , and shed a blue glare over us that was gone directly . a certain mysterious feeling , consequent on the darkness , the secrecy of the revel , and the whisper in which everything was said , steals over me again , and i listen to all they tell me with a vague feeling of solemnity and awe , which makes me glad that they are all so near , and frightens me when traddles pretends to see a ghost in the corner . i heard all kinds of things about the school and all belonging to it . i heard that mr . creakle had not preferred his claim to being a tartar without reason that he was the sternest and most severe of masters that he laid about him , right and left , every day of his life , charging in among the boys like a trooper , and slashing away , unmercifully . that he knew nothing himself , but the art of slashing , being more ignorant than the lowest boy in the school that he had been , a good many years ago , a small hop dealer in the borough , and had taken to the schooling business after being bankrupt in hops , and making away with mrs . creakles money . with a good deal more of that sort , which i wondered how they knew . i heard that the man with the wooden leg , whose name was tungay , was an obstinate barbarian who had formerly assisted in the hop business , but had come into the scholastic line with mr . creakle , in consequence , as was supposed among the boys , of his having broken his leg in mr . creakles service , and having done a deal of dishonest work for him , and knowing his secrets . i heard that with the single exception of mr . creakle , tungay considered the whole establishment , masters and boys , as his natural enemies , and that the only delight of his life was to be sour and malicious . i heard that mr . creakle had a son , who had not been tungays friend , and who , assisting in the school , had once held some remonstrance with his father on an occasion when its discipline was very cruelly exercised , and was supposed , besides , to have protested against his fathers usage of his mother . i heard that mr . creakle had turned him out of doors , in consequence and that mrs . and miss creakle had been in a sad way , ever since . but the greatest wonder that i heard of mr . creakle was , there being one boy in the school on whom he never ventured to lay a hand , and that boy being j . steerforth . steerforth himself confirmed this when it was stated , and said that he should like to begin to see him do it . on being asked by a mild boy how he would proceed if he did begin to see him do it , he dipped a match into his phosphorus box on purpose to shed a glare over his reply , and said he would commence by knocking him down with a blow on the forehead from the seven and ink bottle that was always on the mantelpiece . we sat in the dark for some time , breathless . i heard that mr . sharp and mr . mell were both supposed to be wretchedly paid and that when there was hot and cold meat for dinner at mr . creakles table , mr . sharp was always expected to say he preferred cold which was again corroborated by j . steerforth , the only parlour boarder . i heard that mr . sharps wig didnt fit him and that he neednt be so bounceable  else said bumptious  it , because his own red hair was very plainly to be seen behind . i heard that one boy , who was a coal merchants son , came as a set off against the coal bill, , and was called , on that account , exchange or barter  name selected from the arithmetic book as expressing this arrangement . i heard that the table beer was a robbery of parents , and the pudding an imposition . i heard that miss creakle was regarded by the school in general as being in love with steerforth and i am sure , as i sat in the dark , thinking of his nice voice , and his fine face , and his easy manner , and his curling hair , i thought it very likely . i heard that mr . mell was not a bad sort of fellow , but hadnt a sixpence to bless himself with and that there was no doubt that old mrs . mell , his mother , was as poor as job . i thought of my breakfast then , and what had sounded like my charley . but i was , i am glad to remember , as mute as a mouse about it . the hearing of all this , and a good deal more , outlasted the banquet some time . the greater part of the guests had gone to bed as soon as the eating and drinking were over and we , who had remained whispering and listening half undressed, , at last betook ourselves to bed , too . good night , young copperfield , said steerforth . ill take care of you . youre very kind , i gratefully returned . i am very much obliged to you . you havent got a sister , have you . said steerforth , yawning . no , i answered . thats a pity , said steerforth . if you had one , i should think she would have been a pretty , timid , little , bright eyed sort of girl . i should have liked to know her . good night , young copperfield . good night , sir , i replied . i thought of him very much after i went to bed , and raised myself , i recollect , to look at him where he lay in the moonlight , with his handsome face turned up , and his head reclining easily on his arm . he was a person of great power in my eyes that was , of course , the reason of my mind running on him . no veiled future dimly glanced upon him in the moonbeams . there was no shadowy picture of his footsteps , in the garden that i dreamed of walking in all night . chapter . my first half at salem house school began in earnest next day . a profound impression was made upon me , i remember , by the roar of voices in the schoolroom suddenly becoming hushed as death when mr . creakle entered after breakfast , and stood in the doorway looking round upon us like a giant in a story book surveying his captives . tungay stood at mr . creakles elbow . he had no occasion , i thought , to cry out silence . so ferociously , for the boys were all struck speechless and motionless . mr . creakle was seen to speak , and tungay was heard , to this effect . now , boys , this is a new half . take care what youre about , in this new half . come fresh up to the lessons , i advise you , for i come fresh up to the punishment . i wont flinch . it will be of no use your rubbing yourselves you wont rub the marks out that i shall give you . now get to work , every boy . when this dreadful exordium was over , and tungay had stumped out again , mr . creakle came to where i sat , and told me that if i were famous for biting , he was famous for biting , too . he then showed me the cane , and asked me what i thought of that , for a tooth . was it a sharp tooth , hey . was it a double tooth , hey . had it a deep prong , hey . did it bite , hey . did it bite . at every question he gave me a fleshy cut with it that made me writhe so i was very soon made free of salem house as steerforth said , and was very soon in tears also . not that i mean to say these were special marks of distinction , which only i received . on the contrary , a large majority of the boys were visited with similar instances of notice , as mr . creakle made the round of the schoolroom . half the establishment was writhing and crying , before the days work began and how much of it had writhed and cried before the days work was over , i am really afraid to recollect , lest i should seem to exaggerate . i should think there never can have been a man who enjoyed his profession more than mr . creakle did . he had a delight in cutting at the boys , which was like the satisfaction of a craving appetite . i am confident that he couldnt resist a chubby boy , especially that there was a fascination in such a subject , which made him restless in his mind , until he had scored and marked him for the day . i was chubby myself , and ought to know . i am sure when i think of the fellow now , my blood rises against him with the disinterested indignation i should feel if i could have known all about him without having ever been in his power but it rises hotly , because i know him to have been an incapable brute , who had no more right to be possessed of the great trust he held , than to be lord high admiral , or commander in either of which capacities it is probable that he would have done infinitely less mischief . miserable little propitiators of a remorseless idol , how abject we were to him . what a launch in life i think it now , on looking back , to be so mean and servile to a man of such parts and pretensions . here i sit at the desk again , watching his eye  watching his eye , as he rules a ciphering book for another victim whose hands have just been flattened by that identical ruler , and who is trying to wipe the sting out with a pocket handkerchief . i have plenty to do . i dont watch his eye in idleness , but because i am morbidly attracted to it , in a dread desire to know what he will do next , and whether it will be my turn to suffer , or somebody elses . a lane of small boys beyond me , with the same interest in his eye , watch it too . i think he knows it , though he pretends he dont . he makes dreadful mouths as he rules the ciphering book and now he throws his eye sideways down our lane , and we all droop over our books and tremble . a moment afterwards we are again eyeing him . an unhappy culprit , found guilty of imperfect exercise , approaches at his command . the culprit falters excuses , and professes a determination to do better tomorrow . mr . creakle cuts a joke before he beats him , and we laugh at it  , little dogs , we laugh , with our visages as white as ashes , and our hearts sinking into our boots . here i sit at the desk again , on a drowsy summer afternoon . a buzz and hum go up around me , as if the boys were so many bluebottles . a cloggy sensation of the lukewarm fat of meat is upon me we dined an hour or two ago , and my head is as heavy as so much lead . i would give the world to go to sleep . i sit with my eye on mr . creakle , blinking at him like a young owl when sleep overpowers me for a minute , he still looms through my slumber , ruling those ciphering books, , until he softly comes behind me and wakes me to plainer perception of him , with a red ridge across my back . here i am in the playground , with my eye still fascinated by him , though i cant see him . the window at a little distance from which i know he is having his dinner , stands for him , and i eye that instead . if he shows his face near it , mine assumes an imploring and submissive expression . if he looks out through the glass , the boldest boy stops in the middle of a shout or yell , and becomes contemplative . one day , traddles breaks that window accidentally , with a ball . i shudder at this moment with the tremendous sensation of seeing it done , and feeling that the ball has bounded on to mr . creakles sacred head . poor traddles . in a tight sky blue suit that made his arms and legs like german sausages , or roly poly puddings , he was the merriest and most miserable of all the boys . he was always being caned  think he was caned every day that half year, , except one holiday monday when he was only rulerd on both hands  was always going to write to his uncle about it , and never did . after laying his head on the desk for a little while , he would cheer up , somehow , begin to laugh again , and draw skeletons all over his slate , before his eyes were dry . i used at first to wonder what comfort traddles found in drawing skeletons and for some time looked upon him as a sort of hermit , who reminded himself by those symbols of mortality that caning couldnt last for ever . but i believe he only did it because they were easy , and didnt want any features . he was very honourable , traddles was , and held it as a solemn duty in the boys to stand by one another . he suffered for this on several occasions and particularly once , when steerforth laughed in church , and the beadle thought it was traddles , and took him out . i see him now , going away in custody , despised by the congregation . he never said who was the real offender , though he smarted for it next day , and was imprisoned so many hours that he came forth with a whole churchyard full of skeletons swarming all over his latin dictionary . but he had his reward . steerforth said there was nothing of the sneak in traddles , and we all felt that to be the highest praise . for my part , i could have gone through a good deal though i was much less brave than traddles , and nothing like so old to have won such a recompense . to see steerforth walk to church before us , arm in with miss creakle , was one of the great sights of my life . i didnt think miss creakle equal to little emly in point of beauty , and i didnt love her but i thought her a young lady of extraordinary attractions , and in point of gentility not to be surpassed . when steerforth , in white trousers , carried her parasol for her , i felt proud to know him and believed that she could not choose but adore him with all her heart . mr . sharp and mr . mell were both notable personages in my eyes but steerforth was to them what the sun was to two stars . steerforth continued his protection of me , and proved a very useful friend since nobody dared to annoy one whom he honoured with his countenance . he couldnt  at all events he didnt  me from mr . creakle , who was very severe with me but whenever i had been treated worse than usual , he always told me that i wanted a little of his pluck , and that he wouldnt have stood it himself which i felt he intended for encouragement , and considered to be very kind of him . there was one advantage , and only one that i know of , in mr . creakles severity . he found my placard in his way when he came up or down behind the form on which i sat , and wanted to make a cut at me in passing for this reason it was soon taken off , and i saw it no more . an accidental circumstance cemented the intimacy between steerforth and me , in a manner that inspired me with great pride and satisfaction , though it sometimes led to inconvenience . it happened on one occasion , when he was doing me the honour of talking to me in the playground , that i hazarded the observation that something or somebody  forget what now  like something or somebody in peregrine pickle . he said nothing at the time but when i was going to bed at night , asked me if i had got that book . i told him no , and explained how it was that i had read it , and all those other books of which i have made mention . and do you recollect them . steerforth said . oh yes , i replied i had a good memory , and i believed i recollected them very well . then i tell you what , young copperfield , said steerforth , you shall tell em to me . i cant get to sleep very early at night , and i generally wake rather early in the morning . well go over em one after another . well make some regular arabian nights of it . i felt extremely flattered by this arrangement , and we commenced carrying it into execution that very evening . what ravages i committed on my favourite authors in the course of my interpretation of them , i am not in a condition to say , and should be very unwilling to know but i had a profound faith in them , and i had , to the best of my belief , a simple , earnest manner of narrating what i did narrate and these qualities went a long way . the drawback was , that i was often sleepy at night , or out of spirits and indisposed to resume the story and then it was rather hard work , and it must be done for to disappoint or to displease steerforth was of course out of the question . in the morning , too , when i felt weary , and should have enjoyed another hours repose very much , it was a tiresome thing to be roused , like the sultana scheherazade , and forced into a long story before the getting up bell rang but steerforth was resolute and as he explained to me , in return , my sums and exercises , and anything in my tasks that was too hard for me , i was no loser by the transaction . let me do myself justice , however . i was moved by no interested or selfish motive , nor was i moved by fear of him . i admired and loved him , and his approval was return enough . it was so precious to me that i look back on these trifles , now , with an aching heart . steerforth was considerate , too and showed his consideration , in one particular instance , in an unflinching manner that was a little tantalizing , i suspect , to poor traddles and the rest . peggottys promised letter  a comfortable letter it was . before the half was many weeks old and with it a cake in a perfect nest of oranges , and two bottles of cowslip wine . this treasure , as in duty bound , i laid at the feet of steerforth , and begged him to dispense . now , ill tell you what , young copperfield , said he the wine shall be kept to wet your whistle when you are story telling . i blushed at the idea , and begged him , in my modesty , not to think of it . but he said he had observed i was sometimes hoarse  little roopy was his exact expression  it should be , every drop , devoted to the purpose he had mentioned . accordingly , it was locked up in his box , and drawn off by himself in a phial , and administered to me through a piece of quill in the cork , when i was supposed to be in want of a restorative . sometimes , to make it a more sovereign specific , he was so kind as to squeeze orange juice into it , or to stir it up with ginger , or dissolve a peppermint drop in it and although i cannot assert that the flavour was improved by these experiments , or that it was exactly the compound one would have chosen for a stomachic , the last thing at night and the first thing in the morning , i drank it gratefully and was very sensible of his attention . we seem , to me , to have been months over peregrine , and months more over the other stories . the institution never flagged for want of a story , i am certain and the wine lasted out almost as well as the matter . poor traddles  never think of that boy but with a strange disposition to laugh , and with tears in my eyes  a sort of chorus , in general and affected to be convulsed with mirth at the comic parts , and to be overcome with fear when there was any passage of an alarming character in the narrative . this rather put me out , very often . it was a great jest of his , i recollect , to pretend that he couldnt keep his teeth from chattering , whenever mention was made of an alguazill in connexion with the adventures of gil blas and i remember that when gil blas met the captain of the robbers in madrid , this unlucky joker counterfeited such an ague of terror , that he was overheard by mr . creakle , who was prowling about the passage , and handsomely flogged for disorderly conduct in the bedroom . whatever i had within me that was romantic and dreamy , was encouraged by so much story telling in the dark and in that respect the pursuit may not have been very profitable to me . but the being cherished as a kind of plaything in my room , and the consciousness that this accomplishment of mine was bruited about among the boys , and attracted a good deal of notice to me though i was the youngest there , stimulated me to exertion . in a school carried on by sheer cruelty , whether it is presided over by a dunce or not , there is not likely to be much learnt . i believe our boys were , generally , as ignorant a set as any schoolboys in existence they were too much troubled and knocked about to learn they could no more do that to advantage , than any one can do anything to advantage in a life of constant misfortune , torment , and worry . but my little vanity , and steerforths help , urged me on somehow and without saving me from much , if anything , in the way of punishment , made me , for the time i was there , an exception to the general body , insomuch that i did steadily pick up some crumbs of knowledge . in this i was much assisted by mr . mell , who had a liking for me that i am grateful to remember . it always gave me pain to observe that steerforth treated him with systematic disparagement , and seldom lost an occasion of wounding his feelings , or inducing others to do so . this troubled me the more for a long time , because i had soon told steerforth , from whom i could no more keep such a secret , than i could keep a cake or any other tangible possession , about the two old women mr . mell had taken me to see and i was always afraid that steerforth would let it out , and twit him with it . we little thought , any one of us , i dare say , when i ate my breakfast that first morning , and went to sleep under the shadow of the peacocks feathers to the sound of the flute , what consequences would come of the introduction into those alms houses of my insignificant person . but the visit had its unforeseen consequences and of a serious sort , too , in their way . one day when mr . creakle kept the house from indisposition , which naturally diffused a lively joy through the school , there was a good deal of noise in the course of the mornings work . the great relief and satisfaction experienced by the boys made them difficult to manage and though the dreaded tungay brought his wooden leg in twice or thrice , and took notes of the principal offenders names , no great impression was made by it , as they were pretty sure of getting into trouble tomorrow , do what they would , and thought it wise , no doubt , to enjoy themselves today . it was , properly , a half holiday being saturday . but as the noise in the playground would have disturbed mr . creakle , and the weather was not favourable for going out walking , we were ordered into school in the afternoon , and set some lighter tasks than usual , which were made for the occasion . it was the day of the week on which mr . sharp went out to get his wig curled so mr . mell , who always did the drudgery , whatever it was , kept school by himself . if i could associate the idea of a bull or a bear with anyone so mild as mr . mell , i should think of him , in connexion with that afternoon when the uproar was at its height , as of one of those animals , baited by a thousand dogs . i recall him bending his aching head , supported on his bony hand , over the book on his desk , and wretchedly endeavouring to get on with his tiresome work , amidst an uproar that might have made the speaker of the house of commons giddy . boys started in and out of their places , playing at puss in the corner with other boys there were laughing boys , singing boys , talking boys , dancing boys , howling boys shuffled with their feet , boys whirled about him , grinning , making faces , mimicking him behind his back and before his eyes mimicking his poverty , his boots , his coat , his mother , everything belonging to him that they should have had consideration for . silence . cried mr . mell , suddenly rising up , and striking his desk with the book . what does this mean . its impossible to bear it . its maddening . how can you do it to me , boys . it was my book that he struck his desk with and as i stood beside him , following his eye as it glanced round the room , i saw the boys all stop , some suddenly surprised , some half afraid , and some sorry perhaps . steerforths place was at the bottom of the school , at the opposite end of the long room . he was lounging with his back against the wall , and his hands in his pockets , and looked at mr . mell with his mouth shut up as if he were whistling , when mr . mell looked at him . silence , mr . steerforth . said mr . mell . silence yourself , said steerforth , turning red . whom are you talking to . sit down , said mr . mell . sit down yourself , said steerforth , and mind your business . there was a titter , and some applause but mr . mell was so white , that silence immediately succeeded and one boy , who had darted out behind him to imitate his mother again , changed his mind , and pretended to want a pen mended . if you think , steerforth , said mr . mell , that i am not acquainted with the power you can establish over any mind here  laid his hand , without considering what he did upon my head  that i have not observed you , within a few minutes , urging your juniors on to every sort of outrage against me , you are mistaken . i dont give myself the trouble of thinking at all about you , said steerforth , coolly so im not mistaken , as it happens . and when you make use of your position of favouritism here , sir , pursued mr . mell , with his lip trembling very much , to insult a gentleman  a what . is he . said steerforth . here somebody cried out , shame , j . steerforth . too bad . it was traddles whom mr . mell instantly discomfited by bidding him hold his tongue . insult one who is not fortunate in life , sir , and who never gave you the least offence , and the many reasons for not insulting whom you are old enough and wise enough to understand , said mr . mell , with his lips trembling more and more , you commit a mean and base action . you can sit down or stand up as you please , sir . copperfield , go on . young copperfield , said steerforth , coming forward up the room , stop a bit . i tell you what , mr . mell , once for all . when you take the liberty of calling me mean or base , or anything of that sort , you are an impudent beggar . you are always a beggar , you know but when you do that , you are an impudent beggar . i am not clear whether he was going to strike mr . mell , or mr . mell was going to strike him , or there was any such intention on either side . i saw a rigidity come upon the whole school as if they had been turned into stone , and found mr . creakle in the midst of us , with tungay at his side , and mrs . and miss creakle looking in at the door as if they were frightened . mr . mell , with his elbows on his desk and his face in his hands , sat , for some moments , quite still . mr . mell , said mr . creakle , shaking him by the arm and his whisper was so audible now , that tungay felt it unnecessary to repeat his words you have not forgotten yourself , i hope . no , sir , no , returned the master , showing his face , and shaking his head , and rubbing his hands in great agitation . no , sir . no . i have remembered myself , i  , mr . creakle , i have not forgotten myself , i  have remembered myself , sir . i  wish you had remembered me a little sooner , mr . creakle . it  have been more kind , sir , more just , sir . it would have saved me something , sir . mr . creakle , looking hard at mr . mell , put his hand on tungays shoulder , and got his feet upon the form close by , and sat upon the desk . after still looking hard at mr . mell from his throne , as he shook his head , and rubbed his hands , and remained in the same state of agitation , mr . creakle turned to steerforth , and said now , sir , as he dont condescend to tell me , what is this . steerforth evaded the question for a little while looking in scorn and anger on his opponent , and remaining silent . i could not help thinking even in that interval , i remember , what a noble fellow he was in appearance , and how homely and plain mr . mell looked opposed to him . what did he mean by talking about favourites , then . said steerforth at length . favourites . repeated mr . creakle , with the veins in his forehead swelling quickly . who talked about favourites . he did , said steerforth . and pray , what did you mean by that , sir . demanded mr . creakle , turning angrily on his assistant . i meant , mr . creakle , he returned in a low voice , as i said that no pupil had a right to avail himself of his position of favouritism to degrade me . to degrade you . said mr . creakle . my stars . but give me leave to ask you , mr . whats your and here mr . creakle folded his arms , cane and all , upon his chest , and made such a knot of his brows that his little eyes were hardly visible below them whether , when you talk about favourites , you showed proper respect to me . to me , sir , said mr . creakle , darting his head at him suddenly , and drawing it back again , the principal of this establishment , and your employer . it was not judicious , sir , i am willing to admit , said mr . mell . i should not have done so , if i had been cool . here steerforth struck in . then he said i was mean , and then he said i was base , and then i called him a beggar . if i had been cool , perhaps i shouldnt have called him a beggar . but i did , and i am ready to take the consequences of it . without considering , perhaps , whether there were any consequences to be taken , i felt quite in a glow at this gallant speech . it made an impression on the boys too , for there was a low stir among them , though no one spoke a word . i am surprised , steerforth  your candour does you honour , said mr . creakle , does you honour , certainly  am surprised , steerforth , i must say , that you should attach such an epithet to any person employed and paid in salem house , sir . steerforth gave a short laugh . thats not an answer , sir , said mr . creakle , to my remark . i expect more than that from you , steerforth . if mr . mell looked homely , in my eyes , before the handsome boy , it would be quite impossible to say how homely mr . creakle looked . let him deny it , said steerforth . deny that he is a beggar , steerforth . cried mr . creakle . why , where does he go a begging . if he is not a beggar himself , his near relations one , said steerforth . its all the same . he glanced at me , and mr . mells hand gently patted me upon the shoulder . i looked up with a flush upon my face and remorse in my heart , but mr . mells eyes were fixed on steerforth . he continued to pat me kindly on the shoulder , but he looked at him . since you expect me , mr . creakle , to justify myself , said steerforth , and to say what i mean  , i have to say is , that his mother lives on charity in an alms house . mr . mell still looked at him , and still patted me kindly on the shoulder , and said to himself , in a whisper , if i heard right yes , i thought so . mr . creakle turned to his assistant , with a severe frown and laboured politeness now , you hear what this gentleman says , mr . mell . have the goodness , if you please , to set him right before the assembled school . he is right , sir , without correction , returned mr . mell , in the midst of a dead silence what he has said is true . be so good then as declare publicly , will you , said mr . creakle , putting his head on one side , and rolling his eyes round the school , whether it ever came to my knowledge until this moment . i believe not directly , he returned . why , you know not , said mr . creakle . dont you , man . i apprehend you never supposed my worldly circumstances to be very good , replied the assistant . you know what my position is , and always has been , here . i apprehend , if you come to that , said mr . creakle , with his veins swelling again bigger than ever , that youve been in a wrong position altogether , and mistook this for a charity school . mr . mell , well part , if you please . the sooner the better . there is no time , answered mr . mell , rising , like the present . sir , to you . said mr . creakle . i take my leave of you , mr . creakle , and all of you , said mr . mell , glancing round the room , and again patting me gently on the shoulders . james steerforth , the best wish i can leave you is that you may come to be ashamed of what you have done today . at present i would prefer to see you anything rather than a friend , to me , or to anyone in whom i feel an interest . once more he laid his hand upon my shoulder and then taking his flute and a few books from his desk , and leaving the key in it for his successor , he went out of the school , with his property under his arm . mr . creakle then made a speech , through tungay , in which he thanked steerforth for asserting the independence and respectability of salem house and which he wound up by shaking hands with steerforth , while we gave three cheers  did not quite know what for , but i supposed for steerforth , and so joined in them ardently , though i felt miserable . mr . creakle then caned tommy traddles for being discovered in tears , instead of cheers , on account of mr . mells departure and went back to his sofa , or his bed , or wherever he had come from . we were left to ourselves now , and looked very blank , i recollect , on one another . for myself , i felt so much self reproach and contrition for my part in what had happened , that nothing would have enabled me to keep back my tears but the fear that steerforth , who often looked at me , i saw , might think it unfriendly  , i should rather say , considering our relative ages , and the feeling with which i regarded him , undutiful  i showed the emotion which distressed me . he was very angry with traddles , and said he was glad he had caught it . poor traddles , who had passed the stage of lying with his head upon the desk , and was relieving himself as usual with a burst of skeletons , said he didnt care . mr . mell was ill used . who has ill used him , you girl . said steerforth . why , you have , returned traddles . what have i done . said steerforth . what have you done . retorted traddles . hurt his feelings , and lost him his situation . his feelings . repeated steerforth disdainfully . his feelings will soon get the better of it , ill be bound . his feelings are not like yours , miss traddles . as to his situation  was a precious one , wasnt it . you suppose i am not going to write home , and take care that he gets some money . polly . we thought this intention very noble in steerforth , whose mother was a widow , and rich , and would do almost anything , it was said , that he asked her . we were all extremely glad to see traddles so put down , and exalted steerforth to the skies especially when he told us , as he condescended to do , that what he had done had been done expressly for us , and for our cause and that he had conferred a great boon upon us by unselfishly doing it . but i must say that when i was going on with a story in the dark that night , mr . mells old flute seemed more than once to sound mournfully in my ears and that when at last steerforth was tired , and i lay down in my bed , i fancied it playing so sorrowfully somewhere , that i was quite wretched . i soon forgot him in the contemplation of steerforth , who , in an easy amateur way , and without any book he seemed to me to know everything by heart , took some of his classes until a new master was found . the new master came from a grammar school and before he entered on his duties , dined in the parlour one day , to be introduced to steerforth . steerforth approved of him highly , and told us he was a brick . without exactly understanding what learned distinction was meant by this , i respected him greatly for it , and had no doubt whatever of his superior knowledge though he never took the pains with me  that i was anybody  mr . mell had taken . there was only one other event in this half year, , out of the daily school life, , that made an impression upon me which still survives . it survives for many reasons . one afternoon , when we were all harassed into a state of dire confusion , and mr . creakle was laying about him dreadfully , tungay came in , and called out in his usual strong way visitors for copperfield . a few words were interchanged between him and mr . creakle , as , who the visitors were , and what room they were to be shown into and then i , who had , according to custom , stood up on the announcement being made , and felt quite faint with astonishment , was told to go by the back stairs and get a clean frill on , before i repaired to the dining room . these orders i obeyed , in such a flutter and hurry of my young spirits as i had never known before and when i got to the parlour door , and the thought came into my head that it might be my mother  had only thought of mr . or miss murdstone until then  drew back my hand from the lock , and stopped to have a sob before i went in . at first i saw nobody but feeling a pressure against the door , i looked round it , and there , to my amazement , were mr . peggotty and ham , ducking at me with their hats , and squeezing one another against the wall . i could not help laughing but it was much more in the pleasure of seeing them , than at the appearance they made . we shook hands in a very cordial way and i laughed and laughed , until i pulled out my pocket handkerchief and wiped my eyes . mr . peggotty who never shut his mouth once , i remember , during the visit showed great concern when he saw me do this , and nudged ham to say something . cheer up , masr davy bor . said ham , in his simpering way . why , how you have growed . am i grown . i said , drying my eyes . i was not crying at anything in particular that i know of but somehow it made me cry , to see old friends . growed , masr davy bor . aint he growed . said ham . aint he growed . said mr . peggotty . they made me laugh again by laughing at each other , and then we all three laughed until i was in danger of crying again . do you know how mama is , mr . peggotty . i said . and how my dear , old peggotty is . oncommon , said mr . peggotty . and little emly , and mrs . gummidge . on  , said mr . peggotty . there was a silence . mr . peggotty , to relieve it , took two prodigious lobsters , and an enormous crab , and a large canvas bag of shrimps , out of his pockets , and piled them up in hams arms . you see , said mr . peggotty , knowing as you was partial to a little relish with your wittles when you was along with us , we took the liberty . the old mawther biled em , she did . mrs . gummidge biled em . yes , said mr . peggotty , slowly , who i thought appeared to stick to the subject on account of having no other subject ready , mrs . gummidge , i do assure you , she biled em . i expressed my thanks and mr . peggotty , after looking at ham , who stood smiling sheepishly over the shellfish , without making any attempt to help him , said we come , you see , the wind and tide making in our favour , in one of our yarmouth lugs to gravesen . my sister she wrote to me the name of this here place , and wrote to me as if ever i chanced to come to gravesen , i was to come over and inquire for masr davy and give her dooty , humbly wishing him well and reporting of the famly as they was oncommon toe be . little emly , you see , shell write to my sister when i go back , as i see you and as you was similarly oncommon , and so we make it quite a merry go . i was obliged to consider a little before i understood what mr . peggotty meant by this figure , expressive of a complete circle of intelligence . i then thanked him heartily and said , with a consciousness of reddening , that i supposed little emly was altered too , since we used to pick up shells and pebbles on the beach . shes getting to be a woman , thats wot shes getting to be , said mr . peggotty . ask him . he meant ham , who beamed with delight and assent over the bag of shrimps . her pretty face . said mr . peggotty , with his own shining like a light . her learning . said ham . her writing . said mr . peggotty . why its as black as jet . and so large it is , you might see it anywheres . it was perfectly delightful to behold with what enthusiasm mr . peggotty became inspired when he thought of his little favourite . he stands before me again , his bluff hairy face irradiating with a joyful love and pride , for which i can find no description . his honest eyes fire up , and sparkle , as if their depths were stirred by something bright . his broad chest heaves with pleasure . his strong loose hands clench themselves , in his earnestness and he emphasizes what he says with a right arm that shows , in my pigmy view , like a sledge hammer . ham was quite as earnest as he . i dare say they would have said much more about her , if they had not been abashed by the unexpected coming in of steerforth , who , seeing me in a corner speaking with two strangers , stopped in a song he was singing , and said i didnt know you were here , young copperfield . and crossed by us on his way out . i am not sure whether it was in the pride of having such a friend as steerforth , or in the desire to explain to him how i came to have such a friend as mr . peggotty , that i called to him as he was going away . but i said , modestly  heaven , how it all comes back to me this long time afterwards  . dont go , steerforth , if you please . these are two yarmouth boatmen  kind , good people  are relations of my nurse , and have come from gravesend to see me . aye , . said steerforth , returning . i am glad to see them . how are you both . there was an ease in his manner  gay and light manner it was , but not swaggering  i still believe to have borne a kind of enchantment with it . i still believe him , in virtue of this carriage , his animal spirits , his delightful voice , his handsome face and figure , and , for aught i know , of some inborn power of attraction besides which i think a few people possess , to have carried a spell with him to which it was a natural weakness to yield , and which not many persons could withstand . i could not but see how pleased they were with him , and how they seemed to open their hearts to him in a moment . you must let them know at home , if you please , mr . peggotty , i said , when that letter is sent , that mr . steerforth is very kind to me , and that i dont know what i should ever do here without him . nonsense . said steerforth , laughing . you mustnt tell them anything of the sort . and if mr . steerforth ever comes into norfolk or suffolk , mr . peggotty , i said , while i am there , you may depend upon it i shall bring him to yarmouth , if he will let me , to see your house . you never saw such a good house , steerforth . its made out of a boat . made out of a boat , is it . said steerforth . its the right sort of a house for such a thorough built boatman . so tis , sir , so tis , sir , said ham , grinning . youre right , young genlmn . masr davy bor , genlmns right . a thorough built boatman . hor , . thats what he is , too . mr . peggotty was no less pleased than his nephew , though his modesty forbade him to claim a personal compliment so vociferously . well , sir , he said , bowing and chuckling , and tucking in the ends of his neckerchief at his breast i thankee , sir , i thankee . i do my endeavours in my line of life , sir . the best of men can do no more , mr . peggotty , said steerforth . he had got his name already . ill pound it , its wot you do yourself , sir , said mr . peggotty , shaking his head , and wot you do well  . i thankee , sir . im obleeged to you , sir , for your welcoming manner of me . im rough , sir , but im ready  ways , i hope im ready , you unnerstand . my house aint much for to see , sir , but its hearty at your service if ever you should come along with masr davy to see it . im a reglar dodman , i am , said mr . peggotty , by which he meant snail , and this was in allusion to his being slow to go , for he had attempted to go after every sentence , and had somehow or other come back again but i wish you both well , and i wish you happy . ham echoed this sentiment , and we parted with them in the heartiest manner . i was almost tempted that evening to tell steerforth about pretty little emly , but i was too timid of mentioning her name , and too much afraid of his laughing at me . i remember that i thought a good deal , and in an uneasy sort of way , about mr . peggotty having said that she was getting on to be a woman but i decided that was nonsense . we transported the shellfish , or the relish as mr . peggotty had modestly called it , up into our room unobserved , and made a great supper that evening . but traddles couldnt get happily out of it . he was too unfortunate even to come through a supper like anybody else . he was taken ill in the night  prostrate he was  consequence of crab and after being drugged with black draughts and blue pills , to an extent which demple said was enough to undermine a horses constitution , received a caning and six chapters of greek testament for refusing to confess . the rest of the half year is a jumble in my recollection of the daily strife and struggle of our lives of the waning summer and the changing season of the frosty mornings when we were rung out of bed , and the cold , smell of the dark nights when we were rung into bed again of the evening schoolroom dimly lighted and indifferently warmed , and the morning schoolroom which was nothing but a great shivering machine of the alternation of boiled beef with roast beef , and boiled mutton with roast mutton of clods of bread and , dogs eared lesson books, , cracked slates , tear blotted copy books, , canings , rulerings , hair cuttings, , rainy sundays , suet puddings, , and a dirty atmosphere of ink , surrounding all . i well remember though , how the distant idea of the holidays , after seeming for an immense time to be a stationary speck , began to come towards us , and to grow and grow . how from counting months , we came to weeks , and then to days and how i then began to be afraid that i should not be sent for and when i learnt from steerforth that i had been sent for , and was certainly to go home , had dim forebodings that i might break my leg first . how the breaking up day changed its place fast , at last , from the week after next to next week , this week , the day after tomorrow , today , tonight  i was inside the yarmouth mail , and going home . i had many a broken sleep inside the yarmouth mail , and many an incoherent dream of all these things . but when i awoke at intervals , the ground outside the window was not the playground of salem house , and the sound in my ears was not the sound of mr . creakle giving it to traddles , but the sound of the coachman touching up the horses . chapter . my holidays . especially one happy afternoon when we arrived before day at the inn where the mail stopped , which was not the inn where my friend the waiter lived , i was shown up to a nice little bedroom , with dolphin painted on the door . very cold i was , i know , notwithstanding the hot tea they had given me before a large fire downstairs and very glad i was to turn into the dolphins bed , pull the dolphins blankets round my head , and go to sleep . mr . barkis the carrier was to call for me in the morning at nine oclock . i got up at eight , a little giddy from the shortness of my nights rest , and was ready for him before the appointed time . he received me exactly as if not five minutes had elapsed since we were last together , and i had only been into the hotel to get change for sixpence , or something of that sort . as soon as i and my box were in the cart , and the carrier seated , the lazy horse walked away with us all at his accustomed pace . you look very well , mr . barkis , i said , thinking he would like to know it . mr . barkis rubbed his cheek with his cuff , and then looked at his cuff as if he expected to find some of the bloom upon it but made no other acknowledgement of the compliment . i gave your message , mr . barkis , i said i wrote to peggotty . ah . said mr . barkis . mr . barkis seemed gruff , and answered drily . wasnt it right , mr . barkis . i asked , after a little hesitation . why , no , said mr . barkis . not the message . the message was right enough , perhaps , said mr . barkis but it come to an end there . not understanding what he meant , i repeated inquisitively came to an end , mr . barkis . nothing come of it , he explained , looking at me sideways . no answer . there was an answer expected , was there , mr . barkis . said i , opening my eyes . for this was a new light to me . when a man says hes willin , said mr . barkis , turning his glance slowly on me again , its as much as to say , that mans a waitin for a answer . well , mr . barkis . well , said mr . barkis , carrying his eyes back to his horses ears that mans been a waitin for a answer ever since . have you told her so , mr . barkis . no  , growled mr . barkis , reflecting about it . i aint got no call to go and tell her so . i never said six words to her myself , i aint a goin to tell her so . would you like me to do it , mr . barkis . said i , doubtfully . you might tell her , if you would , said mr . barkis , with another slow look at me , that barkis was a waitin for a answer . says you  name is it . her name . ah . said mr . barkis , with a nod of his head . peggotty . chrisen name . or natral name . said mr . barkis . oh , its not her christian name . her christian name is clara . is it though . said mr . barkis . he seemed to find an immense fund of reflection in this circumstance , and sat pondering and inwardly whistling for some time . well . he resumed at length . says you , peggotty . barkis is waitin for a answer . says she , perhaps , answer to what . says you , to what i told you . what is that . says she . barkis is willin , says you . this extremely artful suggestion mr . barkis accompanied with a nudge of his elbow that gave me quite a stitch in my side . after that , he slouched over his horse in his usual manner and made no other reference to the subject except , half an hour afterwards , taking a piece of chalk from his pocket , and writing up , inside the tilt of the cart , clara peggotty  as a private memorandum . ah , what a strange feeling it was to be going home when it was not home , and to find that every object i looked at , reminded me of the happy old home , which was like a dream i could never dream again . the days when my mother and i and peggotty were all in all to one another , and there was no one to come between us , rose up before me so sorrowfully on the road , that i am not sure i was glad to be there  sure but that i would rather have remained away , and forgotten it in steerforths company . but there i was and soon i was at our house , where the bare old elm trees wrung their many hands in the bleak wintry air , and shreds of the old rooks nests drifted away upon the wind . the carrier put my box down at the garden gate, , and left me . i walked along the path towards the house , glancing at the windows , and fearing at every step to see mr . murdstone or miss murdstone lowering out of one of them . no face appeared , however and being come to the house , and knowing how to open the door , before dark , without knocking , i went in with a quiet , timid step . god knows how infantine the memory may have been , that was awakened within me by the sound of my mothers voice in the old parlour , when i set foot in the hall . she was singing in a low tone . i think i must have lain in her arms , and heard her singing so to me when i was but a baby . the strain was new to me , and yet it was so old that it filled my heart brim full like a friend come back from a long absence . i believed , from the solitary and thoughtful way in which my mother murmured her song , that she was alone . and i went softly into the room . she was sitting by the fire , suckling an infant , whose tiny hand she held against her neck . her eyes were looking down upon its face , and she sat singing to it . i was so far right , that she had no other companion . i spoke to her , and she started , and cried out . but seeing me , she called me her dear davy , her own boy . and coming half across the room to meet me , kneeled down upon the ground and kissed me , and laid my head down on her bosom near the little creature that was nestling there , and put its hand to my lips . i wish i had died . i wish i had died then , with that feeling in my heart . i should have been more fit for heaven than i ever have been since . he is your brother , said my mother , fondling me . davy , my pretty boy . my poor child . then she kissed me more and more , and clasped me round the neck . this she was doing when peggotty came running in , and bounced down on the ground beside us , and went mad about us both for a quarter of an hour . it seemed that i had not been expected so soon , the carrier being much before his usual time . it seemed , too , that mr . and miss murdstone had gone out upon a visit in the neighbourhood , and would not return before night . i had never hoped for this . i had never thought it possible that we three could be together undisturbed , once more and i felt , for the time , as if the old days were come back . we dined together by the fireside . peggotty was in attendance to wait upon us , but my mother wouldnt let her do it , and made her dine with us . i had my own old plate , with a brown view of a man of in full sail upon it , which peggotty had hoarded somewhere all the time i had been away , and would not have had broken , she said , for a hundred pounds . i had my own old mug with david on it , and my own old little knife and fork that wouldnt cut . while we were at table , i thought it a favourable occasion to tell peggotty about mr . barkis , who , before i had finished what i had to tell her , began to laugh , and throw her apron over her face . peggotty , said my mother . whats the matter . peggotty only laughed the more , and held her apron tight over her face when my mother tried to pull it away , and sat as if her head were in a bag . what are you doing , you stupid creature . said my mother , laughing . oh , drat the man . cried peggotty . he wants to marry me . it would be a very good match for you wouldnt it . said my mother . oh . i dont know , said peggotty . dont ask me . i wouldnt have him if he was made of gold . nor i wouldnt have anybody . then , why dont you tell him so , you ridiculous thing . said my mother . tell him so , retorted peggotty , looking out of her apron . he has never said a word to me about it . he knows better . if he was to make so bold as say a word to me , i should slap his face . her own was as red as ever i saw it , or any other face , i think but she only covered it again , for a few moments at a time , when she was taken with a violent fit of laughter and after two or three of those attacks , went on with her dinner . i remarked that my mother , though she smiled when peggotty looked at her , became more serious and thoughtful . i had seen at first that she was changed . her face was very pretty still , but it looked careworn , and too delicate and her hand was so thin and white that it seemed to me to be almost transparent . but the change to which i now refer was superadded to this it was in her manner , which became anxious and fluttered . at last she said , putting out her hand , and laying it affectionately on the hand of her old servant , peggotty , dear , you are not going to be married . me , maam . returned peggotty , staring . lord bless you , no . not just yet . said my mother , tenderly . never . cried peggotty . my mother took her hand , and said dont leave me , peggotty . stay with me . it will not be for long , perhaps . what should i ever do without you . me leave you , my precious . cried peggotty . not for all the world and his wife . why , whats put that in your silly little head . peggotty had been used of old to talk to my mother sometimes like a child . but my mother made no answer , except to thank her , and peggotty went running on in her own fashion . me leave you . i think i see myself . peggotty go away from you . i should like to catch her at it . no , said peggotty , shaking her head , and folding her arms not she , my dear . it isnt that there aint some cats that would be well enough pleased if she did , but they shant be pleased . they shall be aggravated . ill stay with you till i am a cross cranky old woman . and when im too deaf , and too lame , and too blind , and too mumbly for want of teeth , to be of any use at all , even to be found fault with , than i shall go to my davy , and ask him to take me in . and , peggotty , says i , shall be glad to see you , and ill make you as welcome as a queen . bless your dear heart . cried peggotty . i know you will . and she kissed me beforehand , in grateful acknowledgement of my hospitality . after that , she covered her head up with her apron again and had another laugh about mr . barkis . after that , she took the baby out of its little cradle , and nursed it . after that , she cleared the dinner table after that , came in with another cap on , and her work box, , and the yard measure, , and the bit of wax candle, , all just the same as ever . we sat round the fire , and talked delightfully . i told them what a hard master mr . creakle was , and they pitied me very much . i told them what a fine fellow steerforth was , and what a patron of mine , and peggotty said she would walk a score of miles to see him . i took the little baby in my arms when it was awake , and nursed it lovingly . when it was asleep again , i crept close to my mothers side according to my old custom , broken now a long time , and sat with my arms embracing her waist , and my little red cheek on her shoulder , and once more felt her beautiful hair drooping over me  an angels wing as i used to think , i recollect  was very happy indeed . while i sat thus , looking at the fire , and seeing pictures in the red hot coals , i almost believed that i had never been away that mr . and miss murdstone were such pictures , and would vanish when the fire got low and that there was nothing real in all that i remembered , save my mother , peggotty , and i . peggotty darned away at a stocking as long as she could see , and then sat with it drawn on her left hand like a glove , and her needle in her right , ready to take another stitch whenever there was a blaze . i cannot conceive whose stockings they can have been that peggotty was always darning , or where such an unfailing supply of stockings in want of darning can have come from . from my earliest infancy she seems to have been always employed in that class of needlework , and never by any chance in any other . i wonder , said peggotty , who was sometimes seized with a fit of wondering on some most unexpected topic , whats become of davys great aunt . lor , peggotty . observed my mother , rousing herself from a reverie , what nonsense you talk . well , but i really do wonder , maam , said peggotty . what can have put such a person in your head . inquired my mother . is there nobody else in the world to come there . i dont know how it is , said peggotty , unless its on account of being stupid , but my head never can pick and choose its people . they come and they go , and they dont come and they dont go , just as they like . i wonder whats become of her . how absurd you are , peggotty . returned my mother . one would suppose you wanted a second visit from her . lord forbid . cried peggotty . well then , dont talk about such uncomfortable things , theres a good soul , said my mother . miss betsey is shut up in her cottage by the sea , no doubt , and will remain there . at all events , she is not likely ever to trouble us again . no . mused peggotty . no , that aint likely at all . wonder , if she was to die , whether shed leave davy anything . good gracious me , peggotty , returned my mother , what a nonsensical woman you are . when you know that she took offence at the poor dear boys ever being born at all . i suppose she wouldnt be inclined to forgive him now , hinted peggotty . why should she be inclined to forgive him now . said my mother , rather sharply . now that hes got a brother , i mean , said peggotty . my mother immediately began to cry , and wondered how peggotty dared to say such a thing . as if this poor little innocent in its cradle had ever done any harm to you or anybody else , you jealous thing . said she . you had much better go and marry mr . barkis , the carrier . why dont you . i should make miss murdstone happy , if i was to , said peggotty . what a bad disposition you have , peggotty . returned my mother . you are as jealous of miss murdstone as it is possible for a ridiculous creature to be . you want to keep the keys yourself , and give out all the things , i suppose . i shouldnt be surprised if you did . when you know that she only does it out of kindness and the best intentions . you know she does , peggotty  know it well . peggotty muttered something to the effect of bother the best intentions . and something else to the effect that there was a little too much of the best intentions going on . i know what you mean , you cross thing , said my mother . i understand you , peggotty , perfectly . you know i do , and i wonder you dont colour up like fire . but one point at a time . miss murdstone is the point now , peggotty , and you shant escape from it . havent you heard her say , over and over again , that she thinks i am too thoughtless and too  pretty , suggested peggotty . well , returned my mother , half laughing , and if she is so silly as to say so , can i be blamed for it . no one says you can , said peggotty . no , i should hope not , indeed . returned my mother . havent you heard her say , over and over again , that on this account she wished to spare me a great deal of trouble , which she thinks i am not suited for , and which i really dont know myself that i am suited for and isnt she up early and late , and going to and fro continually  doesnt she do all sorts of things , and grope into all sorts of places , coal holes and pantries and i dont know where , that cant be very agreeable  do you mean to insinuate that there is not a sort of devotion in that . i dont insinuate at all , said peggotty . you do , peggotty , returned my mother . you never do anything else , except your work . you are always insinuating . you revel in it . and when you talk of mr . murdstones good intentions  i never talked of em , said peggotty . no , peggotty , returned my mother , but you insinuated . thats what i told you just now . thats the worst of you . you will insinuate . i said , at the moment , that i understood you , and you see i did . when you talk of mr . murdstones good intentions , and pretend to slight them for i dont believe you really do , in your heart , peggotty , you must be as well convinced as i am how good they are , and how they actuate him in everything . if he seems to have been at all stern with a certain person , peggotty  understand , and so i am sure does davy , that i am not alluding to anybody present  is solely because he is satisfied that it is for a certain persons benefit . he naturally loves a certain person , on my account and acts solely for a certain persons good . he is better able to judge of it than i am for i very well know that i am a weak , light , girlish creature , and that he is a firm , grave , serious man . and he takes , said my mother , with the tears which were engendered in her affectionate nature , stealing down her face , he takes great pains with me and i ought to be very thankful to him , and very submissive to him even in my thoughts and when i am not , peggotty , i worry and condemn myself , and feel doubtful of my own heart , and dont know what to do . peggotty sat with her chin on the foot of the stocking , looking silently at the fire . there , peggotty , said my mother , changing her tone , dont let us fall out with one another , for i couldnt bear it . you are my true friend , i know , if i have any in the world . when i call you a ridiculous creature , or a vexatious thing , or anything of that sort , peggotty , i only mean that you are my true friend , and always have been , ever since the night when mr . copperfield first brought me home here , and you came out to the gate to meet me . peggotty was not slow to respond , and ratify the treaty of friendship by giving me one of her best hugs . i think i had some glimpses of the real character of this conversation at the time but i am sure , now , that the good creature originated it , and took her part in it , merely that my mother might comfort herself with the little contradictory summary in which she had indulged . the design was efficacious for i remember that my mother seemed more at ease during the rest of the evening , and that peggotty observed her less . when we had our tea , and the ashes were thrown up , and the candles snuffed , i read peggotty a chapter out of the crocodile book , in remembrance of old times  took it out of her pocket i dont know whether she had kept it there ever since  then we talked about salem house , which brought me round again to steerforth , who was my great subject . we were very happy and that evening , as the last of its race , and destined evermore to close that volume of my life , will never pass out of my memory . it was almost ten oclock before we heard the sound of wheels . we all got up then and my mother said hurriedly that , as it was so late , and mr . and miss murdstone approved of early hours for young people , perhaps i had better go to bed . i kissed her , and went upstairs with my candle directly , before they came in . it appeared to my childish fancy , as i ascended to the bedroom where i had been imprisoned , that they brought a cold blast of air into the house which blew away the old familiar feeling like a feather . i felt uncomfortable about going down to breakfast in the morning , as i had never set eyes on mr . murdstone since the day when i committed my memorable offence . however , as it must be done , i went down , after two or three false starts half way, , and as many runs back on tiptoe to my own room , and presented myself in the parlour . he was standing before the fire with his back to it , while miss murdstone made the tea . he looked at me steadily as i entered , but made no sign of recognition whatever . i went up to him , after a moment of confusion , and said i beg your pardon , sir . i am very sorry for what i did , and i hope you will forgive me . i am glad to hear you are sorry , david , he replied . the hand he gave me was the hand i had bitten . i could not restrain my eye from resting for an instant on a red spot upon it but it was not so red as i turned , when i met that sinister expression in his face . how do you do , maam . i said to miss murdstone . ah , dear me . sighed miss murdstone , giving me the tea caddy scoop instead of her fingers . how long are the holidays . a month , maam . counting from when . from today , maam . oh . said miss murdstone . then heres one day off . she kept a calendar of the holidays in this way , and every morning checked a day off in exactly the same manner . she did it gloomily until she came to ten , but when she got into two figures she became more hopeful , and , as the time advanced , even jocular . it was on this very first day that i had the misfortune to throw her , though she was not subject to such weakness in general , into a state of violent consternation . i came into the room where she and my mother were sitting and the baby being on my mothers lap , i took it very carefully in my arms . suddenly miss murdstone gave such a scream that i all but dropped it . my dear jane . cried my mother . good heavens , clara , do you see . exclaimed miss murdstone . see what , my dear jane . said my mother where . hes got it . cried miss murdstone . the boy has got the baby . she was limp with horror but stiffened herself to make a dart at me , and take it out of my arms . then , she turned faint and was so very ill that they were obliged to give her cherry brandy . i was solemnly interdicted by her , on her recovery , from touching my brother any more on any pretence whatever and my poor mother , who , i could see , wished otherwise , meekly confirmed the interdict , by saying no doubt you are right , my dear jane . on another occasion , when we three were together , this same dear baby  was truly dear to me , for our mothers sake  the innocent occasion of miss murdstones going into a passion . my mother , who had been looking at its eyes as it lay upon her lap , said davy . come here . and looked at mine . i saw miss murdstone lay her beads down . i declare , said my mother , gently , they are exactly alike . i suppose they are mine . i think they are the colour of mine . but they are wonderfully alike . what are you talking about , clara . said miss murdstone . my dear jane , faltered my mother , a little abashed by the harsh tone of this inquiry , i find that the babys eyes and davys are exactly alike . clara . said miss murdstone , rising angrily , you are a positive fool sometimes . my dear jane , remonstrated my mother . a positive fool , said miss murdstone . who else could compare my brothers baby with your boy . they are not at all alike . they are exactly unlike . they are utterly dissimilar in all respects . i hope they will ever remain so . i will not sit here , and hear such comparisons made . with that she stalked out , and made the door bang after her . in short , i was not a favourite with miss murdstone . in short , i was not a favourite there with anybody , not even with myself for those who did like me could not show it , and those who did not , showed it so plainly that i had a sensitive consciousness of always appearing constrained , boorish , and dull . i felt that i made them as uncomfortable as they made me . if i came into the room where they were , and they were talking together and my mother seemed cheerful , an anxious cloud would steal over her face from the moment of my entrance . if mr . murdstone were in his best humour , i checked him . if miss murdstone were in her worst , i intensified it . i had perception enough to know that my mother was the victim always that she was afraid to speak to me or to be kind to me , lest she should give them some offence by her manner of doing so , and receive a lecture afterwards that she was not only ceaselessly afraid of her own offending , but of my offending , and uneasily watched their looks if i only moved . therefore i resolved to keep myself as much out of their way as i could and many a wintry hour did i hear the church clock strike , when i was sitting in my cheerless bedroom , wrapped in my little great coat, , poring over a book . in the evening , sometimes , i went and sat with peggotty in the kitchen . there i was comfortable , and not afraid of being myself . but neither of these resources was approved of in the parlour . the tormenting humour which was dominant there stopped them both . i was still held to be necessary to my poor mothers training , and , as one of her trials , could not be suffered to absent myself . david , said mr . murdstone , one day after dinner when i was going to leave the room as usual i am sorry to observe that you are of a sullen disposition . as sulky as a bear . said miss murdstone . i stood still , and hung my head . now , david , said mr . murdstone , a sullen obdurate disposition is , of all tempers , the worst . and the boys is , of all such dispositions that ever i have seen , remarked his sister , the most confirmed and stubborn . i think , my dear clara , even you must observe it . i beg your pardon , my dear jane , said my mother , but are you quite sure  am certain youll excuse me , my dear jane  you understand davy . i should be somewhat ashamed of myself , clara , returned miss murdstone , if i could not understand the boy , or any boy . i dont profess to be profound but i do lay claim to common sense . no doubt , my dear jane , returned my mother , your understanding is very vigorous  oh dear , no . pray dont say that , clara , interposed miss murdstone , angrily . but i am sure it is , resumed my mother and everybody knows it is . i profit so much by it myself , in many ways  least i ought to  no one can be more convinced of it than myself and therefore i speak with great diffidence , my dear jane , i assure you . well say i dont understand the boy , clara , returned miss murdstone , arranging the little fetters on her wrists . well agree , if you please , that i dont understand him at all . he is much too deep for me . but perhaps my brothers penetration may enable him to have some insight into his character . and i believe my brother was speaking on the subject when we  very decently  him . i think , clara , said mr . murdstone , in a low grave voice , that there may be better and more dispassionate judges of such a question than you . edward , replied my mother , timidly , you are a far better judge of all questions than i pretend to be . both you and jane are . i only said  you only said something weak and inconsiderate , he replied . try not to do it again , my dear clara , and keep a watch upon yourself . my mothers lips moved , as if she answered yes , my dear edward , but she said nothing aloud . i was sorry , david , i remarked , said mr . murdstone , turning his head and his eyes stiffly towards me , to observe that you are of a sullen disposition . this is not a character that i can suffer to develop itself beneath my eyes without an effort at improvement . you must endeavour , sir , to change it . we must endeavour to change it for you . i beg your pardon , sir , i faltered . i have never meant to be sullen since i came back . dont take refuge in a lie , sir . he returned so fiercely , that i saw my mother involuntarily put out her trembling hand as if to interpose between us . you have withdrawn yourself in your sullenness to your own room . you have kept your own room when you ought to have been here . you know now , once for all , that i require you to be here , and not there . further , that i require you to bring obedience here . you know me , david . i will have it done . miss murdstone gave a hoarse chuckle . i will have a respectful , prompt , and ready bearing towards myself , he continued , and towards jane murdstone , and towards your mother . i will not have this room shunned as if it were infected , at the pleasure of a child . sit down . he ordered me like a dog , and i obeyed like a dog . one thing more , he said . i observe that you have an attachment to low and common company . you are not to associate with servants . the kitchen will not improve you , in the many respects in which you need improvement . of the woman who abets you , i say nothing  you , clara , addressing my mother in a lower voice , from old associations and long established fancies , have a weakness respecting her which is not yet overcome . a most unaccountable delusion it is . cried miss murdstone . i only say , he resumed , addressing me , that i disapprove of your preferring such company as mistress peggotty , and that it is to be abandoned . now , david , you understand me , and you know what will be the consequence if you fail to obey me to the letter . i knew well  perhaps than he thought , as far as my poor mother was concerned  i obeyed him to the letter . i retreated to my own room no more i took refuge with peggotty no more but sat wearily in the parlour day after day , looking forward to night , and bedtime . what irksome constraint i underwent , sitting in the same attitude hours upon hours , afraid to move an arm or a leg lest miss murdstone should complain of my restlessness , and afraid to move an eye lest she should light on some look of dislike or scrutiny that would find new cause for complaint in mine . what intolerable dulness to sit listening to the ticking of the clock and watching miss murdstones little shiny steel beads as she strung them and wondering whether she would ever be married , and if so , to what sort of unhappy man and counting the divisions in the moulding of the chimney piece and wandering away , with my eyes , to the ceiling , among the curls and corkscrews in the paper on the wall . what walks i took alone , down muddy lanes , in the bad winter weather , carrying that parlour , and mr . and miss murdstone in it , everywhere a monstrous load that i was obliged to bear , a daymare that there was no possibility of breaking in , a weight that brooded on my wits , and blunted them . what meals i had in silence and embarrassment , always feeling that there were a knife and fork too many , and that mine an appetite too many , and that mine a plate and chair too many , and those mine a somebody too many , and that i . what evenings , when the candles came , and i was expected to employ myself , but , not daring to read an entertaining book , pored over some hard headed, , harder hearted treatise on arithmetic when the tables of weights and measures set themselves to tunes , as rule britannia , or away with melancholy when they wouldnt stand still to be learnt , but would go threading my grandmothers needle through my unfortunate head , in at one ear and out at the other . what yawns and dozes i lapsed into , in spite of all my care what starts i came out of concealed sleeps with what answers i never got , to little observations that i rarely made what a blank space i seemed , which everybody overlooked , and yet was in everybodys way what a heavy relief it was to hear miss murdstone hail the first stroke of nine at night , and order me to bed . thus the holidays lagged away , until the morning came when miss murdstone said heres the last day off . and gave me the closing cup of tea of the vacation . i was not sorry to go . i had lapsed into a stupid state but i was recovering a little and looking forward to steerforth , albeit mr . creakle loomed behind him . again mr . barkis appeared at the gate , and again miss murdstone in her warning voice , said clara . when my mother bent over me , to bid me farewell . i kissed her , and my baby brother , and was very sorry then but not sorry to go away , for the gulf between us was there , and the parting was there , every day . and it is not so much the embrace she gave me , that lives in my mind , though it was as fervent as could be , as what followed the embrace . i was in the carriers cart when i heard her calling to me . i looked out , and she stood at the garden gate alone , holding her baby up in her arms for me to see . it was cold still weather and not a hair of her head , nor a fold of her dress , was stirred , as she looked intently at me , holding up her child . so i lost her . so i saw her afterwards , in my sleep at school  silent presence near my bed  at me with the same intent face  up her baby in her arms . chapter . i have a memorable birthday i pass over all that happened at school , until the anniversary of my birthday came round in march . except that steerforth was more to be admired than ever , i remember nothing . he was going away at the end of the half year, , if not sooner , and was more spirited and independent than before in my eyes , and therefore more engaging than before but beyond this i remember nothing . the great remembrance by which that time is marked in my mind , seems to have swallowed up all lesser recollections , and to exist alone . it is even difficult for me to believe that there was a gap of full two months between my return to salem house and the arrival of that birthday . i can only understand that the fact was so , because i know it must have been so otherwise i should feel convinced that there was no interval , and that the one occasion trod upon the others heels . how well i recollect the kind of day it was . i smell the fog that hung about the place i see the hoar frost , ghostly , through it i feel my rimy hair fall clammy on my cheek i look along the dim perspective of the schoolroom , with a sputtering candle here and there to light up the foggy morning , and the breath of the boys wreathing and smoking in the raw cold as they blow upon their fingers , and tap their feet upon the floor . it was after breakfast , and we had been summoned in from the playground , when mr . sharp entered and said david copperfield is to go into the parlour . i expected a hamper from peggotty , and brightened at the order . some of the boys about me put in their claim not to be forgotten in the distribution of the good things , as i got out of my seat with great alacrity . dont hurry , david , said mr . sharp . theres time enough , my boy , dont hurry . i might have been surprised by the feeling tone in which he spoke , if i had given it a thought but i gave it none until afterwards . i hurried away to the parlour and there i found mr . creakle , sitting at his breakfast with the cane and a newspaper before him , and mrs . creakle with an opened letter in her hand . but no hamper . david copperfield , said mrs . creakle , leading me to a sofa , and sitting down beside me . i want to speak to you very particularly . i have something to tell you , my child . mr . creakle , at whom of course i looked , shook his head without looking at me , and stopped up a sigh with a very large piece of buttered toast . you are too young to know how the world changes every day , said mrs . creakle , and how the people in it pass away . but we all have to learn it , david some of us when we are young , some of us when we are old , some of us at all times of our lives . i looked at her earnestly . when you came away from home at the end of the vacation , said mrs . creakle , after a pause , were they all well . after another pause , was your mama well . i trembled without distinctly knowing why , and still looked at her earnestly , making no attempt to answer . because , said she , i grieve to tell you that i hear this morning your mama is very ill . a mist rose between mrs . creakle and me , and her figure seemed to move in it for an instant . then i felt the burning tears run down my face , and it was steady again . she is very dangerously ill , she added . i knew all now . she is dead . there was no need to tell me so . i had already broken out into a desolate cry , and felt an orphan in the wide world . she was very kind to me . she kept me there all day , and left me alone sometimes and i cried , and wore myself to sleep , and awoke and cried again . when i could cry no more , i began to think and then the oppression on my breast was heaviest , and my grief a dull pain that there was no ease for . and yet my thoughts were idle not intent on the calamity that weighed upon my heart , but idly loitering near it . i thought of our house shut up and hushed . i thought of the little baby , who , mrs . creakle said , had been pining away for some time , and who , they believed , would die too . i thought of my fathers grave in the churchyard , by our house , and of my mother lying there beneath the tree i knew so well . i stood upon a chair when i was left alone , and looked into the glass to see how red my eyes were , and how sorrowful my face . i considered , after some hours were gone , if my tears were really hard to flow now , as they seemed to be , what , in connexion with my loss , it would affect me most to think of when i drew near home  i was going home to the funeral . i am sensible of having felt that a dignity attached to me among the rest of the boys , and that i was important in my affliction . if ever child were stricken with sincere grief , i was . but i remember that this importance was a kind of satisfaction to me , when i walked in the playground that afternoon while the boys were in school . when i saw them glancing at me out of the windows , as they went up to their classes , i felt distinguished , and looked more melancholy , and walked slower . when school was over , and they came out and spoke to me , i felt it rather good in myself not to be proud to any of them , and to take exactly the same notice of them all , as before . i was to go home next night not by the mail , but by the heavy night coach, , which was called the farmer , and was principally used by country people travelling short intermediate distances upon the road . we had no story telling that evening , and traddles insisted on lending me his pillow . i dont know what good he thought it would do me , for i had one of my own but it was all he had to lend , poor fellow , except a sheet of letter paper full of skeletons and that he gave me at parting , as a soother of my sorrows and a contribution to my peace of mind . i left salem house upon the morrow afternoon . i little thought then that i left it , never to return . we travelled very slowly all night , and did not get into yarmouth before nine or ten oclock in the morning . i looked out for mr . barkis , but he was not there and instead of him a fat , short winded, , merry looking, , little old man in black , with rusty little bunches of ribbons at the knees of his breeches , black stockings , and a broad brimmed hat , came puffing up to the coach window , and said master copperfield . yes , sir . will you come with me , young sir , if you please , he said , opening the door , and i shall have the pleasure of taking you home . i put my hand in his , wondering who he was , and we walked away to a shop in a narrow street , on which was written omer , draper , tailor , haberdasher , funeral furnisher , c . it was a close and stifling little shop full of all sorts of clothing , made and unmade , including one window full of beaver hats and bonnets . we went into a little back parlour behind the shop , where we found three young women at work on a quantity of black materials , which were heaped upon the table , and little bits and cuttings of which were littered all over the floor . there was a good fire in the room , and a breathless smell of warm black crape  did not know what the smell was then , but i know now . the three young women , who appeared to be very industrious and comfortable , raised their heads to look at me , and then went on with their work . stitch , . at the same time there came from a workshop across a little yard outside the window , a regular sound of hammering that kept a kind of tune rat  , without any variation . well , said my conductor to one of the three young women . how do you get on , minnie . we shall be ready by the trying on time , she replied gaily , without looking up . dont you be afraid , father . mr . omer took off his broad brimmed hat , and sat down and panted . he was so fat that he was obliged to pant some time before he could say thats right . father . said minnie , playfully . what a porpoise you do grow . well , i dont know how it is , my dear , he replied , considering about it . i am rather so . you are such a comfortable man , you see , said minnie . you take things so easy . no use taking em otherwise , my dear , said mr . omer . no , indeed , returned his daughter . we are all pretty gay here , thank heaven . aint we , father . i hope so , my dear , said mr . omer . as i have got my breath now , i think ill measure this young scholar . would you walk into the shop , master copperfield . i preceded mr . omer , in compliance with his request and after showing me a roll of cloth which he said was extra super , and too good mourning for anything short of parents , he took my various dimensions , and put them down in a book . while he was recording them he called my attention to his stock in trade , and to certain fashions which he said had just come up , and to certain other fashions which he said had just gone out . and by that sort of thing we very often lose a little mint of money , said mr . omer . but fashions are like human beings . they come in , nobody knows when , why , or how and they go out , nobody knows when , why , or how . everything is like life , in my opinion , if you look at it in that point of view . i was too sorrowful to discuss the question , which would possibly have been beyond me under any circumstances and mr . omer took me back into the parlour , breathing with some difficulty on the way . he then called down a little break neck range of steps behind a door bring up that tea and bread and . which , after some time , during which i sat looking about me and thinking , and listening to the stitching in the room and the tune that was being hammered across the yard , appeared on a tray , and turned out to be for me . i have been acquainted with you , said mr . omer , after watching me for some minutes , during which i had not made much impression on the breakfast , for the black things destroyed my appetite , i have been acquainted with you a long time , my young friend . have you , sir . all your life , said mr . omer . i may say before it . i knew your father before you . he was five foot nine and a half , and he lays in five and foot of ground . rat  , across the yard . he lays in five and twen ty foot of ground , if he lays in a fraction , said mr . omer , pleasantly . it was either his request or her direction , i forget which . do you know how my little brother is , sir . i inquired . mr . omer shook his head . rat  , . he is in his mothers arms , said he . oh , poor little fellow . is he dead . dont mind it more than you can help , said mr . omer . yes . the babys dead . my wounds broke out afresh at this intelligence . i left the scarcely tasted breakfast , and went and rested my head on another table , in a corner of the little room , which minnie hastily cleared , lest i should spot the mourning that was lying there with my tears . she was a pretty , good natured girl , and put my hair away from my eyes with a soft , kind touch but she was very cheerful at having nearly finished her work and being in good time , and was so different from me . presently the tune left off , and a good looking young fellow came across the yard into the room . he had a hammer in his hand , and his mouth was full of little nails , which he was obliged to take out before he could speak . well , joram . said mr . omer . how do you get on . all right , said joram . done , sir . minnie coloured a little , and the other two girls smiled at one another . what . you were at it by candle light last night , when i was at the club , then . were you . said mr . omer , shutting up one eye . yes , said joram . as you said we could make a little trip of it , and go over together , if it was done , minnie and me  you . oh . i thought you were going to leave me out altogether , said mr . omer , laughing till he coughed . you was so good as to say that , resumed the young man , why i turned to with a will , you see . will you give me your opinion of it . i will , said mr . omer , rising . my dear and he stopped and turned to me would you like to see your  no , father , minnie interposed . i thought it might be agreeable , my dear , said mr . omer . but perhaps youre right . i cant say how i knew it was my dear , mothers coffin that they went to look at . i had never heard one making i had never seen one that i know of . it came into my mind what the noise was , while it was going on and when the young man entered , i am sure i knew what he had been doing . the work being now finished , the two girls , whose names i had not heard , brushed the shreds and threads from their dresses , and went into the shop to put that to rights , and wait for customers . minnie stayed behind to fold up what they had made , and pack it in two baskets . this she did upon her knees , humming a lively little tune the while . joram , who i had no doubt was her lover , came in and stole a kiss from her while she was busy and said her father was gone for the chaise , and he must make haste and get himself ready . then he went out again and then she put her thimble and scissors in her pocket , and stuck a needle threaded with black thread neatly in the bosom of her gown , and put on her outer clothing smartly , at a little glass behind the door , in which i saw the reflection of her pleased face . all this i observed , sitting at the table in the corner with my head leaning on my hand , and my thoughts running on very different things . the chaise soon came round to the front of the shop , and the baskets being put in first , i was put in next , and those three followed . i remember it as a kind of half chaise cart, , half pianoforte van, , painted of a sombre colour , and drawn by a black horse with a long tail . there was plenty of room for us all . i do not think i have ever experienced so strange a feeling in my life as that of being with them , remembering how they had been employed , and seeing them enjoy the ride . i was not angry with them i was more afraid of them , as if i were cast away among creatures with whom i had no community of nature . they were very cheerful . the old man sat in front to drive , and the two young people sat behind him , and whenever he spoke to them leaned forward , the one on one side of his chubby face and the other on the other , and made a great deal of him . they would have talked to me too , but i held back , and moped in my corner scared by their love making and hilarity , though it was far from boisterous , and almost wondering that no judgement came upon them for their hardness of heart . so , when they stopped to bait the horse , and ate and drank and enjoyed themselves , i could touch nothing that they touched , but kept my fast unbroken . so , when we reached home , i dropped out of the chaise behind , as quickly as possible , that i might not be in their company before those solemn windows , looking blindly on me like closed eyes once bright . and oh , how little need i had to think what would move me to tears when i came back  the window of my mothers room , and next it that which , in the better time , was mine . i was in peggottys arms before i got to the door , and she took me into the house . her grief burst out when she first saw me but she controlled it soon , and spoke in whispers , and walked softly , as if the dead could be disturbed . she had not been in bed , i found , for a long time . she sat up at night still , and watched . as long as her poor dear pretty was above the ground , she said , she would never desert her . mr . murdstone took no heed of me when i went into the parlour where he was , but sat by the fireside , weeping silently , and pondering in his elbow chair . miss murdstone , who was busy at her writing desk, , which was covered with letters and papers , gave me her cold finger nails, , and asked me , in an iron whisper , if i had been measured for my mourning . i said yes . and your shirts , said miss murdstone have you brought em home . yes , maam . i have brought home all my clothes . this was all the consolation that her firmness administered to me . i do not doubt that she had a choice pleasure in exhibiting what she called her self command, , and her firmness , and her strength of mind , and her common sense , and the whole diabolical catalogue of her unamiable qualities , on such an occasion . she was particularly proud of her turn for business and she showed it now in reducing everything to pen and ink , and being moved by nothing . all the rest of that day , and from morning to night afterwards , she sat at that desk , scratching composedly with a hard pen , speaking in the same imperturbable whisper to everybody never relaxing a muscle of her face , or softening a tone of her voice , or appearing with an atom of her dress astray . her brother took a book sometimes , but never read it that i saw . he would open it and look at it as if he were reading , but would remain for a whole hour without turning the leaf , and then put it down and walk to and fro in the room . i used to sit with folded hands watching him , and counting his footsteps , hour after hour . he very seldom spoke to her , and never to me . he seemed to be the only restless thing , except the clocks , in the whole motionless house . in these days before the funeral , i saw but little of peggotty , except that , in passing up or down stairs , i always found her close to the room where my mother and her baby lay , and except that she came to me every night , and sat by my beds head while i went to sleep . a day or two before the burial  think it was a day or two before , but i am conscious of confusion in my mind about that heavy time , with nothing to mark its progress  took me into the room . i only recollect that underneath some white covering on the bed , with a beautiful cleanliness and freshness all around it , there seemed to me to lie embodied the solemn stillness that was in the house and that when she would have turned the cover gently back , i cried oh no . oh no . and held her hand . if the funeral had been yesterday , i could not recollect it better . the very air of the best parlour , when i went in at the door , the bright condition of the fire , the shining of the wine in the decanters , the patterns of the glasses and plates , the faint sweet smell of cake , the odour of miss murdstones dress , and our black clothes . mr . chillip is in the room , and comes to speak to me . and how is master david . he says , kindly . i cannot tell him very well . i give him my hand , which he holds in his . dear me . says mr . chillip , meekly smiling , with something shining in his eye . our little friends grow up around us . they grow out of our knowledge , maam . this is to miss murdstone , who makes no reply . there is a great improvement here , maam . says mr . chillip . miss murdstone merely answers with a frown and a formal bend mr . chillip , discomfited , goes into a corner , keeping me with him , and opens his mouth no more . i remark this , because i remark everything that happens , not because i care about myself , or have done since i came home . and now the bell begins to sound , and mr . omer and another come to make us ready . as peggotty was wont to tell me , long ago , the followers of my father to the same grave were made ready in the same room . there are mr . murdstone , our neighbour mr . grayper , mr . chillip , and i . when we go out to the door , the bearers and their load are in the garden and they move before us down the path , and past the elms , and through the gate , and into the churchyard , where i have so often heard the birds sing on a summer morning . we stand around the grave . the day seems different to me from every other day , and the light not of the same colour  a sadder colour . now there is a solemn hush , which we have brought from home with what is resting in the mould and while we stand bareheaded , i hear the voice of the clergyman , sounding remote in the open air , and yet distinct and plain , saying i am the resurrection and the life , saith the lord . then i hear sobs and , standing apart among the lookers on, , i see that good and faithful servant , whom of all the people upon earth i love the best , and unto whom my childish heart is certain that the lord will one day say well done . there are many faces that i know , among the little crowd faces that i knew in church , when mine was always wondering there faces that first saw my mother , when she came to the village in her youthful bloom . i do not mind them  mind nothing but my grief  yet i see and know them all and even in the background , far away , see minnie looking on , and her eye glancing on her sweetheart , who is near me . it is over , and the earth is filled in , and we turn to come away . before us stands our house , so pretty and unchanged , so linked in my mind with the young idea of what is gone , that all my sorrow has been nothing to the sorrow it calls forth . but they take me on and mr . chillip talks to me and when we get home , puts some water to my lips and when i ask his leave to go up to my room , dismisses me with the gentleness of a woman . all this , i say , is yesterdays event . events of later date have floated from me to the shore where all forgotten things will reappear , but this stands like a high rock in the ocean . i knew that peggotty would come to me in my room . the sabbath stillness of the time was suited to us both . she sat down by my side upon my little bed and holding my hand , and sometimes putting it to her lips , and sometimes smoothing it with hers , as she might have comforted my little brother , told me , in her way , all that she had to tell concerning what had happened . she was never well , said peggotty , for a long time . she was uncertain in her mind , and not happy . when her baby was born , i thought at first she would get better , but she was more delicate , and sunk a little every day . she used to like to sit alone before her baby came , and then she cried but afterwards she used to sing to it  soft , that i once thought , when i heard her , it was like a voice up in the air , that was rising away . i think she got to be more timid , and more frightened like, , of late and that a hard word was like a blow to her . but she was always the same to me . she never changed to her foolish peggotty , didnt my sweet girl . here peggotty stopped , and softly beat upon my hand a little while . the last time that i saw her like her own old self , was the night when you came home , my dear . the day you went away , she said to me , i never shall see my pretty darling again . something tells me so , that tells the truth , i know . she tried to hold up after that and many a time , when they told her she was thoughtless and light hearted, , made believe to be so but it was all a bygone then . she never told her husband what she had told me  was afraid of saying it to anybody else  one night , a little more than a week before it happened , when she said to him my dear , i think i am dying . its off my mind now , peggotty , she told me , when i laid her in her bed that night . he will believe it more and more , poor fellow , every day for a few days to come and then it will be past . i am very tired . if this is sleep , sit by me while i sleep dont leave me . god bless both my children . god protect and keep my fatherless boy . i never left her afterwards , said peggotty . she often talked to them two downstairs  she loved them she couldnt bear not to love anyone who was about her  when they went away from her bed side, , she always turned to me , as if there was rest where peggotty was , and never fell asleep in any other way . on the last night , in the evening , she kissed me , and said if my baby should die too , peggotty , please let them lay him in my arms , and bury us together . it was done for the poor lamb lived but a day beyond her . let my dearest boy go with us to our resting place, , she said , and tell him that his mother , when she lay here , blessed him not once , but a thousand times . another silence followed this , and another gentle beating on my hand . it was pretty far in the night , said peggotty , when she asked me for some drink and when she had taken it , gave me such a patient smile , the dear . beautiful . daybreak had come , and the sun was rising , when she said to me , how kind and considerate mr . copperfield had always been to her , and how he had borne with her , and told her , when she doubted herself , that a loving heart was better and stronger than wisdom , and that he was a happy man in hers . peggotty , my dear , she said then , put me nearer to you , for she was very weak . lay your good arm underneath my neck , she said , and turn me to you , for your face is going far off , and i want it to be near . i put it as she asked and oh davy . the time had come when my first parting words to you were true  she was glad to lay her poor head on her stupid cross old peggottys arm  she died like a child that had gone to sleep . thus ended peggottys narration . from the moment of my knowing of the death of my mother , the idea of her as she had been of late had vanished from me . i remembered her , from that instant , only as the young mother of my earliest impressions , who had been used to wind her bright curls round and round her finger , and to dance with me at twilight in the parlour . what peggotty had told me now , was so far from bringing me back to the later period , that it rooted the earlier image in my mind . it may be curious , but it is true . in her death she winged her way back to her calm untroubled youth , and cancelled all the rest . the mother who lay in the grave , was the mother of my infancy the little creature in her arms , was myself , as i had once been , hushed for ever on her bosom . chapter . i become neglected , and am provided for the first act of business miss murdstone performed when the day of the solemnity was over , and light was freely admitted into the house , was to give peggotty a months warning . much as peggotty would have disliked such a service , i believe she would have retained it , for my sake , in preference to the best upon earth . she told me we must part , and told me why and we condoled with one another , in all sincerity . as to me or my future , not a word was said , or a step taken . happy they would have been , i dare say , if they could have dismissed me at a months warning too . i mustered courage once , to ask miss murdstone when i was going back to school and she answered dryly , she believed i was not going back at all . i was told nothing more . i was very anxious to know what was going to be done with me , and so was peggotty but neither she nor i could pick up any information on the subject . there was one change in my condition , which , while it relieved me of a great deal of present uneasiness , might have made me , if i had been capable of considering it closely , yet more uncomfortable about the future . it was this . the constraint that had been put upon me , was quite abandoned . i was so far from being required to keep my dull post in the parlour , that on several occasions , when i took my seat there , miss murdstone frowned to me to go away . i was so far from being warned off from peggottys society , that , provided i was not in mr . murdstones , i was never sought out or inquired for . at first i was in daily dread of his taking my education in hand again , or of miss murdstones devoting herself to it but i soon began to think that such fears were groundless , and that all i had to anticipate was neglect . i do not conceive that this discovery gave me much pain then . i was still giddy with the shock of my mothers death , and in a kind of stunned state as to all tributary things . i can recollect , indeed , to have speculated , at odd times , on the possibility of my not being taught any more , or cared for any more and growing up to be a shabby , moody man , lounging an idle life away , about the village as well as on the feasibility of my getting rid of this picture by going away somewhere , like the hero in a story , to seek my fortune but these were transient visions , daydreams i sat looking at sometimes , as if they were faintly painted or written on the wall of my room , and which , as they melted away , left the wall blank again . peggotty , i said in a thoughtful whisper , one evening , when i was warming my hands at the kitchen fire , mr . murdstone likes me less than he used to . he never liked me much , peggotty but he would rather not even see me now , if he can help it . perhaps its his sorrow , said peggotty , stroking my hair . i am sure , peggotty , i am sorry too . if i believed it was his sorrow , i should not think of it at all . but its not that oh , no , its not that . how do you know its not that . said peggotty , after a silence . oh , his sorrow is another and quite a different thing . he is sorry at this moment , sitting by the fireside with miss murdstone but if i was to go in , peggotty , he would be something besides . what would he be . said peggotty . angry , i answered , with an involuntary imitation of his dark frown . if he was only sorry , he wouldnt look at me as he does . i am only sorry , and it makes me feel kinder . peggotty said nothing for a little while and i warmed my hands , as silent as she . davy , she said at length . yes , peggotty . i have tried , my dear , all ways i could think of  the ways there are , and all the ways there aint , in short  get a suitable service here , in blunderstone but theres no such a thing , my love . and what do you mean to do , peggotty , says i , wistfully . do you mean to go and seek your fortune . i expect i shall be forced to go to yarmouth , replied peggotty , and live there . you might have gone farther off , i said , brightening a little , and been as bad as lost . i shall see you sometimes , my dear old peggotty , there . you wont be quite at the other end of the world , will you . contrary ways , please god . cried peggotty , with great animation . as long as you are here , my pet , i shall come over every week of my life to see you . one day , every week of my life . i felt a great weight taken off my mind by this promise but even this was not all , for peggotty went on to say im a going, , davy , you see , to my brothers , first , for another fortnights visit  till i have had time to look about me , and get to be something like myself again . now , i have been thinking that perhaps , as they dont want you here at present , you might be let to go along with me . if anything , short of being in a different relation to every one about me , peggotty excepted , could have given me a sense of pleasure at that time , it would have been this project of all others . the idea of being again surrounded by those honest faces , shining welcome on me of renewing the peacefulness of the sweet sunday morning , when the bells were ringing , the stones dropping in the water , and the shadowy ships breaking through the mist of roaming up and down with little emly , telling her my troubles , and finding charms against them in the shells and pebbles on the beach made a calm in my heart . it was ruffled next moment , to be sure , by a doubt of miss murdstones giving her consent but even that was set at rest soon , for she came out to take an evening grope in the store closet while we were yet in conversation , and peggotty , with a boldness that amazed me , broached the topic on the spot . the boy will be idle there , said miss murdstone , looking into a pickle jar, , and idleness is the root of all evil . but , to be sure , he would be idle here  anywhere , in my opinion . peggotty had an angry answer ready , i could see but she swallowed it for my sake , and remained silent . humph . said miss murdstone , still keeping her eye on the pickles it is of more importance than anything else  is of paramount importance  my brother should not be disturbed or made uncomfortable . i suppose i had better say yes . i thanked her , without making any demonstration of joy , lest it should induce her to withdraw her assent . nor could i help thinking this a prudent course , since she looked at me out of the pickle jar, , with as great an access of sourness as if her black eyes had absorbed its contents . however , the permission was given , and was never retracted for when the month was out , peggotty and i were ready to depart . mr . barkis came into the house for peggottys boxes . i had never known him to pass the garden gate before , but on this occasion he came into the house . and he gave me a look as he shouldered the largest box and went out , which i thought had meaning in it , if meaning could ever be said to find its way into mr . barkiss visage . peggotty was naturally in low spirits at leaving what had been her home so many years , and where the two strong attachments of her life  my mother and myself  been formed . she had been walking in the churchyard , too , very early and she got into the cart , and sat in it with her handkerchief at her eyes . so long as she remained in this condition , mr . barkis gave no sign of life whatever . he sat in his usual place and attitude like a great stuffed figure . but when she began to look about her , and to speak to me , he nodded his head and grinned several times . i have not the least notion at whom , or what he meant by it . its a beautiful day , mr . barkis . i said , as an act of politeness . it aint bad , said mr . barkis , who generally qualified his speech , and rarely committed himself . peggotty is quite comfortable now , mr . barkis , i remarked , for his satisfaction . is she , though . said mr . barkis . after reflecting about it , with a sagacious air , mr . barkis eyed her , and said are you pretty comfortable . peggotty laughed , and answered in the affirmative . but really and truly , you know . are you . growled mr . barkis , sliding nearer to her on the seat , and nudging her with his elbow . are you . really and truly pretty comfortable . are you . eh . at each of these inquiries mr . barkis shuffled nearer to her , and gave her another nudge so that at last we were all crowded together in the left hand corner of the cart , and i was so squeezed that i could hardly bear it . peggotty calling his attention to my sufferings , mr . barkis gave me a little more room at once , and got away by degrees . but i could not help observing that he seemed to think he had hit upon a wonderful expedient for expressing himself in a neat , agreeable , and pointed manner , without the inconvenience of inventing conversation . he manifestly chuckled over it for some time . by and by he turned to peggotty again , and repeating , are you pretty comfortable though . bore down upon us as before , until the breath was nearly edged out of my body . by and by he made another descent upon us with the same inquiry , and the same result . at length , i got up whenever i saw him coming , and standing on the foot board, , pretended to look at the prospect after which i did very well . he was so polite as to stop at a public house, , expressly on our account , and entertain us with broiled mutton and beer . even when peggotty was in the act of drinking , he was seized with one of those approaches , and almost choked her . but as we drew nearer to the end of our journey , he had more to do and less time for gallantry and when we got on yarmouth pavement , we were all too much shaken and jolted , i apprehend , to have any leisure for anything else . mr . peggotty and ham waited for us at the old place . they received me and peggotty in an affectionate manner , and shook hands with mr . barkis , who , with his hat on the very back of his head , and a shame faced leer upon his countenance , and pervading his very legs , presented but a vacant appearance , i thought . they each took one of peggottys trunks , and we were going away , when mr . barkis solemnly made a sign to me with his forefinger to come under an archway . i say , growled mr . barkis , it was all right . i looked up into his face , and answered , with an attempt to be very profound oh . it didnt come to a end there , said mr . barkis , nodding confidentially . it was all right . again i answered , oh . you know who was willin , said my friend . it was barkis , and barkis only . i nodded assent . its all right , said mr . barkis , shaking hands im a friend of yourn . you made it all right , first . its all right . in his attempts to be particularly lucid , mr . barkis was so extremely mysterious , that i might have stood looking in his face for an hour , and most assuredly should have got as much information out of it as out of the face of a clock that had stopped , but for peggottys calling me away . as we were going along , she asked me what he had said and i told her he had said it was all right . like his impudence , said peggotty , but i dont mind that . davy dear , what should you think if i was to think of being married . why  suppose you would like me as much then , peggotty , as you do now . i returned , after a little consideration . greatly to the astonishment of the passengers in the street , as well as of her relations going on before , the good soul was obliged to stop and embrace me on the spot , with many protestations of her unalterable love . tell me what should you say , darling . she asked again , when this was over , and we were walking on . if you were thinking of being married  mr . barkis , peggotty . yes , said peggotty . i should think it would be a very good thing . for then you know , peggotty , you would always have the horse and cart to bring you over to see me , and could come for nothing , and be sure of coming . the sense of the dear . cried peggotty . what i have been thinking of , this month back . yes , my precious and i think i should be more independent altogether , you see let alone my working with a better heart in my own house , than i could in anybody elses now . i dont know what i might be fit for , now , as a servant to a stranger . and i shall be always near my prettys resting place, , said peggotty , musing , and be able to see it when i like and when i lie down to rest , i may be laid not far off from my darling girl . we neither of us said anything for a little while . but i wouldnt so much as give it another thought , said peggotty , cheerily if my davy was anyways against it  if i had been asked in church thirty times three times over , and was wearing out the ring in my pocket . look at me , peggotty , i replied and see if i am not really glad , and dont truly wish it . as indeed i did , with all my heart . well , my life , said peggotty , giving me a squeeze , i have thought of it night and day , every way i can , and i hope the right way but ill think of it again , and speak to my brother about it , and in the meantime well keep it to ourselves , davy , you and me . barkis is a good plain creature , said peggotty , and if i tried to do my duty by him , i think it would be my fault if i wasnt  i wasnt pretty comfortable , said peggotty , laughing heartily . this quotation from mr . barkis was so appropriate , and tickled us both so much , that we laughed again and again , and were quite in a pleasant humour when we came within view of mr . peggottys cottage . it looked just the same , except that it may , perhaps , have shrunk a little in my eyes and mrs . gummidge was waiting at the door as if she had stood there ever since . all within was the same , down to the seaweed in the blue mug in my bedroom . i went into the out house to look about me and the very same lobsters , crabs , and crawfish possessed by the same desire to pinch the world in general , appeared to be in the same state of conglomeration in the same old corner . but there was no little emly to be seen , so i asked mr . peggotty where she was . shes at school , sir , said mr . peggotty , wiping the heat consequent on the porterage of peggottys box from his forehead shell be home , looking at the dutch clock , in from twenty minutes to half an time . we all on us feel the loss of her , bless ye . mrs . gummidge moaned . cheer up , mawther . cried mr . peggotty . i feel it more than anybody else , said mrs . gummidge im a lone lorn creetur , and she used to be amost the only thing that didnt go contrary with me . mrs . gummidge , whimpering and shaking her head , applied herself to blowing the fire . mr . peggotty , looking round upon us while she was so engaged , said in a low voice , which he shaded with his hand the old un . from this i rightly conjectured that no improvement had taken place since my last visit in the state of mrs . gummidges spirits . now , the whole place was , or it should have been , quite as delightful a place as ever and yet it did not impress me in the same way . i felt rather disappointed with it . perhaps it was because little emly was not at home . i knew the way by which she would come , and presently found myself strolling along the path to meet her . a figure appeared in the distance before long , and i soon knew it to be emly , who was a little creature still in stature , though she was grown . but when she drew nearer , and i saw her blue eyes looking bluer , and her dimpled face looking brighter , and her whole self prettier and gayer , a curious feeling came over me that made me pretend not to know her , and pass by as if i were looking at something a long way off . i have done such a thing since in later life , or i am mistaken . little emly didnt care a bit . she saw me well enough but instead of turning round and calling after me , ran away laughing . this obliged me to run after her , and she ran so fast that we were very near the cottage before i caught her . oh , its you , is it . said little emly . why , you knew who it was , emly , said i . and didnt you know who it was . said emly . i was going to kiss her , but she covered her cherry lips with her hands , and said she wasnt a baby now , and ran away , laughing more than ever , into the house . she seemed to delight in teasing me , which was a change in her i wondered at very much . the tea table was ready , and our little locker was put out in its old place , but instead of coming to sit by me , she went and bestowed her company upon that grumbling mrs . gummidge and on mr . peggottys inquiring why , rumpled her hair all over her face to hide it , and could do nothing but laugh . a little puss , it is . said mr . peggotty , patting her with his great hand . so sh is . so sh is . cried ham . masr davy bor , so sh is . and he sat and chuckled at her for some time , in a state of mingled admiration and delight , that made his face a burning red . little emly was spoiled by them all , in fact and by no one more than mr . peggotty himself , whom she could have coaxed into anything , by only going and laying her cheek against his rough whisker . that was my opinion , at least , when i saw her do it and i held mr . peggotty to be thoroughly in the right . but she was so affectionate and sweet natured, , and had such a pleasant manner of being both sly and shy at once , that she captivated me more than ever . she was tender hearted, , too for when , as we sat round the fire after tea , an allusion was made by mr . peggotty over his pipe to the loss i had sustained , the tears stood in her eyes , and she looked at me so kindly across the table , that i felt quite thankful to her . ah . said mr . peggotty , taking up her curls , and running them over his hand like water , heres another orphan , you see , sir . and here , said mr . peggotty , giving ham a backhanded knock in the chest , is another of em , though he dont look much like it . if i had you for my guardian , mr . peggotty , said i , shaking my head , i dont think i should feel much like it . well said , masr davy bor . cried ham , in an ecstasy . hoorah . well said . nor more you wouldnt . hor . hor . he returned mr . peggottys back hander, , and little emly got up and kissed mr . peggotty . and hows your friend , sir . said mr . peggotty to me . steerforth . said i . thats the name . cried mr . peggotty , turning to ham . i knowed it was something in our way . you said it was rudderford , observed ham , laughing . well . retorted mr . peggotty . and ye steer with a rudder , dont ye . it aint fur off . how is he , sir . he was very well indeed when i came away , mr . peggotty . theres a friend . said mr . peggotty , stretching out his pipe . theres a friend , if you talk of friends . why , lord love my heart alive , if it aint a treat to look at him . he is very handsome , is he not . said i , my heart warming with this praise . handsome . cried mr . peggotty . he stands up to you like  a  i dont know what he dont stand up to you like . hes so bold . yes . thats just his character , said i . hes as brave as a lion , and you cant think how frank he is , mr . peggotty . and i do suppose , now , said mr . peggotty , looking at me through the smoke of his pipe , that in the way of book larning hed take the wind out of amost anything . yes , said i , delighted he knows everything . he is astonishingly clever . theres a friend . murmured mr . peggotty , with a grave toss of his head . nothing seems to cost him any trouble , said i . he knows a task if he only looks at it . he is the best cricketer you ever saw . he will give you almost as many men as you like at draughts , and beat you easily . mr . peggotty gave his head another toss , as much as to say of course he will . he is such a speaker , i pursued , that he can win anybody over and i dont know what youd say if you were to hear him sing , mr . peggotty . mr . peggotty gave his head another toss , as much as to say i have no doubt of it . then , hes such a generous , fine , noble fellow , said i , quite carried away by my favourite theme , that its hardly possible to give him as much praise as he deserves . i am sure i can never feel thankful enough for the generosity with which he has protected me , so much younger and lower in the school than himself . i was running on , very fast indeed , when my eyes rested on little emlys face , which was bent forward over the table , listening with the deepest attention , her breath held , her blue eyes sparkling like jewels , and the colour mantling in her cheeks . she looked so extraordinarily earnest and pretty , that i stopped in a sort of wonder and they all observed her at the same time , for as i stopped , they laughed and looked at her . emly is like me , said peggotty , and would like to see him . emly was confused by our all observing her , and hung down her head , and her face was covered with blushes . glancing up presently through her stray curls , and seeing that we were all looking at her still i am sure i , for one , could have looked at her for hours , she ran away , and kept away till it was nearly bedtime . i lay down in the old little bed in the stern of the boat , and the wind came moaning on across the flat as it had done before . but i could not help fancying , now , that it moaned of those who were gone and instead of thinking that the sea might rise in the night and float the boat away , i thought of the sea that had risen , since i last heard those sounds , and drowned my happy home . i recollect , as the wind and water began to sound fainter in my ears , putting a short clause into my prayers , petitioning that i might grow up to marry little emly , and so dropping lovingly asleep . the days passed pretty much as they had passed before , except  was a great exception  little emly and i seldom wandered on the beach now . she had tasks to learn , and needle work to do and was absent during a great part of each day . but i felt that we should not have had those old wanderings , even if it had been otherwise . wild and full of childish whims as emly was , she was more of a little woman than i had supposed . she seemed to have got a great distance away from me , in little more than a year . she liked me , but she laughed at me , and tormented me and when i went to meet her , stole home another way , and was laughing at the door when i came back , disappointed . the best times were when she sat quietly at work in the doorway , and i sat on the wooden step at her feet , reading to her . it seems to me , at this hour , that i have never seen such sunlight as on those bright april afternoons that i have never seen such a sunny little figure as i used to see , sitting in the doorway of the old boat that i have never beheld such sky , such water , such glorified ships sailing away into golden air . on the very first evening after our arrival , mr . barkis appeared in an exceedingly vacant and awkward condition , and with a bundle of oranges tied up in a handkerchief . as he made no allusion of any kind to this property , he was supposed to have left it behind him by accident when he went away until ham , running after him to restore it , came back with the information that it was intended for peggotty . after that occasion he appeared every evening at exactly the same hour , and always with a little bundle , to which he never alluded , and which he regularly put behind the door and left there . these offerings of affection were of a most various and eccentric description . among them i remember a double set of pigs trotters , a huge pin cushion, , half a bushel or so of apples , a pair of jet earrings , some spanish onions , a box of dominoes , a canary bird and cage , and a leg of pickled pork . mr . barkiss wooing , as i remember it , was altogether of a peculiar kind . he very seldom said anything but would sit by the fire in much the same attitude as he sat in his cart , and stare heavily at peggotty , who was opposite . one night , being , as i suppose , inspired by love , he made a dart at the bit of wax candle she kept for her thread , and put it in his waistcoat pocket and carried it off . after that , his great delight was to produce it when it was wanted , sticking to the lining of his pocket , in a partially melted state , and pocket it again when it was done with . he seemed to enjoy himself very much , and not to feel at all called upon to talk . even when he took peggotty out for a walk on the flats , he had no uneasiness on that head , i believe contenting himself with now and then asking her if she was pretty comfortable and i remember that sometimes , after he was gone , peggotty would throw her apron over her face , and laugh for half an . indeed , we were all more or less amused , except that miserable mrs . gummidge , whose courtship would appear to have been of an exactly parallel nature , she was so continually reminded by these transactions of the old one . at length , when the term of my visit was nearly expired , it was given out that peggotty and mr . barkis were going to make a days holiday together , and that little emly and i were to accompany them . i had but a broken sleep the night before , in anticipation of the pleasure of a whole day with emly . we were all astir betimes in the morning and while we were yet at breakfast , mr . barkis appeared in the distance , driving a chaise cart towards the object of his affections . peggotty was dressed as usual , in her neat and quiet mourning but mr . barkis bloomed in a new blue coat , of which the tailor had given him such good measure , that the cuffs would have rendered gloves unnecessary in the coldest weather , while the collar was so high that it pushed his hair up on end on the top of his head . his bright buttons , too , were of the largest size . rendered complete by drab pantaloons and a buff waistcoat , i thought mr . barkis a phenomenon of respectability . when we were all in a bustle outside the door , i found that mr . peggotty was prepared with an old shoe , which was to be thrown after us for luck , and which he offered to mrs . gummidge for that purpose . no . it had better be done by somebody else , danl , said mrs . gummidge . im a lone lorn creetur myself , and everythink that reminds me of creeturs that aint lone and lorn , goes contrary with me . come , old gal . cried mr . peggotty . take and heave it . no , danl , returned mrs . gummidge , whimpering and shaking her head . if i felt less , i could do more . you dont feel like me , danl thinks dont go contrary with you , nor you with them you had better do it yourself . but here peggotty , who had been going about from one to another in a hurried way , kissing everybody , called out from the cart , in which we all were by this time that mrs . gummidge must do it . so mrs . gummidge did it and , i am sorry to relate , cast a damp upon the festive character of our departure , by immediately bursting into tears , and sinking subdued into the arms of ham , with the declaration that she knowed she was a burden , and had better be carried to the house at once . which i really thought was a sensible idea , that ham might have acted on . away we went , however , on our holiday excursion and the first thing we did was to stop at a church , where mr . barkis tied the horse to some rails , and went in with peggotty , leaving little emly and me alone in the chaise . i took that occasion to put my arm round emlys waist , and propose that as i was going away so very soon now , we should determine to be very affectionate to one another , and very happy , all day . little emly consenting , and allowing me to kiss her , i became desperate informing her , i recollect , that i never could love another , and that i was prepared to shed the blood of anybody who should aspire to her affections . how merry little emly made herself about it . with what a demure assumption of being immensely older and wiser than i , the fairy little woman said i was a silly boy and then laughed so charmingly that i forgot the pain of being called by that disparaging name , in the pleasure of looking at her . mr . barkis and peggotty were a good while in the church , but came out at last , and then we drove away into the country . as we were going along , mr . barkis turned to me , and said , with a wink  , the by , i should hardly have thought , before , that he could wink what name was it as i wrote up in the cart . clara peggotty , i answered . what name would it be as i should write up now , if there was a tilt here . clara peggotty , again . i suggested . clara peggotty barkis . he returned , and burst into a roar of laughter that shook the chaise . in a word , they were married , and had gone into the church for no other purpose . peggotty was resolved that it should be quietly done and the clerk had given her away , and there had been no witnesses of the ceremony . she was a little confused when mr . barkis made this abrupt announcement of their union , and could not hug me enough in token of her unimpaired affection but she soon became herself again , and said she was very glad it was over . we drove to a little inn in a by road, , where we were expected , and where we had a very comfortable dinner , and passed the day with great satisfaction . if peggotty had been married every day for the last ten years , she could hardly have been more at her ease about it made no sort of difference in her she was just the same as ever , and went out for a stroll with little emly and me before tea , while mr . barkis philosophically smoked his pipe , and enjoyed himself , i suppose , with the contemplation of his happiness . if so , it sharpened his appetite for i distinctly call to mind that , although he had eaten a good deal of pork and greens at dinner , and had finished off with a fowl or two , he was obliged to have cold boiled bacon for tea , and disposed of a large quantity without any emotion . i have often thought , since , what an odd , innocent , out of kind of wedding it must have been . we got into the chaise again soon after dark , and drove cosily back , looking up at the stars , and talking about them . i was their chief exponent , and opened mr . barkiss mind to an amazing extent . i told him all i knew , but he would have believed anything i might have taken it into my head to impart to him for he had a profound veneration for my abilities , and informed his wife in my hearing , on that very occasion , that i was a young roeshus  which i think he meant prodigy . when we had exhausted the subject of the stars , or rather when i had exhausted the mental faculties of mr . barkis , little emly and i made a cloak of an old wrapper , and sat under it for the rest of the journey . ah , how i loved her . what happiness if we were married , and were going away anywhere to live among the trees and in the fields , never growing older , never growing wiser , children ever , rambling hand in hand through sunshine and among flowery meadows , laying down our heads on moss at night , in a sweet sleep of purity and peace , and buried by the birds when we were dead . some such picture , with no real world in it , bright with the light of our innocence , and vague as the stars afar off , was in my mind all the way . i am glad to think there were two such guileless hearts at peggottys marriage as little emlys and mine . i am glad to think the loves and graces took such airy forms in its homely procession . well , we came to the old boat again in good time at night and there mr . and mrs . barkis bade us good bye, , and drove away snugly to their own home . i felt then , for the first time , that i had lost peggotty . i should have gone to bed with a sore heart indeed under any other roof but that which sheltered little emlys head . mr . peggotty and ham knew what was in my thoughts as well as i did , and were ready with some supper and their hospitable faces to drive it away . little emly came and sat beside me on the locker for the only time in all that visit and it was altogether a wonderful close to a wonderful day . it was a night tide and soon after we went to bed , mr . peggotty and ham went out to fish . i felt very brave at being left alone in the solitary house , the protector of emly and mrs . gummidge , and only wished that a lion or a serpent , or any ill disposed monster , would make an attack upon us , that i might destroy him , and cover myself with glory . but as nothing of the sort happened to be walking about on yarmouth flats that night , i provided the best substitute i could by dreaming of dragons until morning . with morning came peggotty who called to me , as usual , under my window as if mr . barkis the carrier had been from first to last a dream too . after breakfast she took me to her own home , and a beautiful little home it was . of all the moveables in it , i must have been impressed by a certain old bureau of some dark wood in the parlour the tile floored kitchen was the general sitting room, , with a retreating top which opened , let down , and became a desk , within which was a large quarto edition of foxes book of martyrs . this precious volume , of which i do not recollect one word , i immediately discovered and immediately applied myself to and i never visited the house afterwards , but i kneeled on a chair , opened the casket where this gem was enshrined , spread my arms over the desk , and fell to devouring the book afresh . i was chiefly edified , i am afraid , by the pictures , which were numerous , and represented all kinds of dismal horrors but the martyrs and peggottys house have been inseparable in my mind ever since , and are now . i took leave of mr . peggotty , and ham , and mrs . gummidge , and little emly , that day and passed the night at peggottys , in a little room in the roof which was to be always mine , peggotty said , and should always be kept for me in exactly the same state . young or old , davy dear , as long as i am alive and have this house over my head , said peggotty , you shall find it as if i expected you here directly minute . i shall keep it every day , as i used to keep your old little room , my darling and if you was to go to china , you might think of it as being kept just the same , all the time you were away . i felt the truth and constancy of my dear old nurse , with all my heart , and thanked her as well as i could . that was not very well , for she spoke to me thus , with her arms round my neck , in the morning , and i was going home in the morning , and i went home in the morning , with herself and mr . barkis in the cart . they left me at the gate , not easily or lightly and it was a strange sight to me to see the cart go on , taking peggotty away , and leaving me under the old elm trees looking at the house , in which there was no face to look on mine with love or liking any more . and now i fell into a state of neglect , which i cannot look back upon without compassion . i fell at once into a solitary condition  , from all friendly notice , apart from the society of all other boys of my own age , apart from all companionship but my own spiritless thoughts  , seems to cast its gloom upon this paper as i write . what would i have given , to have been sent to the hardest school that ever was kept . have been taught something , anyhow , anywhere . no such hope dawned upon me . they disliked me and they sullenly , sternly , steadily , overlooked me . i think mr . murdstones means were straitened at about this time but it is little to the purpose . he could not bear me and in putting me from him he tried , as i believe , to put away the notion that i had any claim upon him  succeeded . i was not actively ill used . i was not beaten , or starved but the wrong that was done to me had no intervals of relenting , and was done in a systematic , passionless manner . day after day , week after week , month after month , i was coldly neglected . i wonder sometimes , when i think of it , what they would have done if i had been taken with an illness whether i should have lain down in my lonely room , and languished through it in my usual solitary way , or whether anybody would have helped me out . when mr . and miss murdstone were at home , i took my meals with them in their absence , i ate and drank by myself . at all times i lounged about the house and neighbourhood quite disregarded , except that they were jealous of my making any friends thinking , perhaps , that if i did , i might complain to someone . for this reason , though mr . chillip often asked me to go and see him he was a widower , having , some years before that , lost a little small light haired wife , whom i can just remember connecting in my own thoughts with a pale tortoise shell cat , it was but seldom that i enjoyed the happiness of passing an afternoon in his closet of a surgery reading some book that was new to me , with the smell of the whole pharmacopoeia coming up my nose , or pounding something in a mortar under his mild directions . for the same reason , added no doubt to the old dislike of her , i was seldom allowed to visit peggotty . faithful to her promise , she either came to see me , or met me somewhere near , once every week , and never empty handed but many and bitter were the disappointments i had , in being refused permission to pay a visit to her at her house . some few times , however , at long intervals , i was allowed to go there and then i found out that mr . barkis was something of a miser , or as peggotty dutifully expressed it , was a little near , and kept a heap of money in a box under his bed , which he pretended was only full of coats and trousers . in this coffer , his riches hid themselves with such a tenacious modesty , that the smallest instalments could only be tempted out by artifice so that peggotty had to prepare a long and elaborate scheme , a very gunpowder plot , for every saturdays expenses . all this time i was so conscious of the waste of any promise i had given , and of my being utterly neglected , that i should have been perfectly miserable , i have no doubt , but for the old books . they were my only comfort and i was as true to them as they were to me , and read them over and over i dont know how many times more . i now approach a period of my life , which i can never lose the remembrance of , while i remember anything and the recollection of which has often , without my invocation , come before me like a ghost , and haunted happier times . i had been out , one day , loitering somewhere , in the listless , meditative manner that my way of life engendered , when , turning the corner of a lane near our house , i came upon mr . murdstone walking with a gentleman . i was confused , and was going by them , when the gentleman cried what . brooks . no , sir , david copperfield , i said . dont tell me . you are brooks , said the gentleman . you are brooks of sheffield . thats your name . at these words , i observed the gentleman more attentively . his laugh coming to my remembrance too , i knew him to be mr . quinion , whom i had gone over to lowestoft with mr . murdstone to see , before  is no matter  need not recall when . and how do you get on , and where are you being educated , brooks . said mr . quinion . he had put his hand upon my shoulder , and turned me about , to walk with them . i did not know what to reply , and glanced dubiously at mr . murdstone . he is at home at present , said the latter . he is not being educated anywhere . i dont know what to do with him . he is a difficult subject . that old , double look was on me for a moment and then his eyes darkened with a frown , as it turned , in its aversion , elsewhere . humph . said mr . quinion , looking at us both , i thought . fine weather . silence ensued , and i was considering how i could best disengage my shoulder from his hand , and go away , when he said i suppose you are a pretty sharp fellow still . eh , brooks . aye . he is sharp enough , said mr . murdstone , impatiently . you had better let him go . he will not thank you for troubling him . on this hint , mr . quinion released me , and i made the best of my way home . looking back as i turned into the front garden , i saw mr . murdstone leaning against the wicket of the churchyard , and mr . quinion talking to him . they were both looking after me , and i felt that they were speaking of me . mr . quinion lay at our house that night . after breakfast , the next morning , i had put my chair away , and was going out of the room , when mr . murdstone called me back . he then gravely repaired to another table , where his sister sat herself at her desk . mr . quinion , with his hands in his pockets , stood looking out of window and i stood looking at them all . david , said mr . murdstone , to the young this is a world for action not for moping and droning in . you do , added his sister . jane murdstone , leave it to me , if you please . i say , david , to the young this is a world for action , and not for moping and droning in . it is especially so for a young boy of your disposition , which requires a great deal of correcting and to which no greater service can be done than to force it to conform to the ways of the working world , and to bend it and break it . for stubbornness wont do here , said his sister what it wants is , to be crushed . and crushed it must be . shall be , too . he gave her a look , half in remonstrance , half in approval , and went on i suppose you know , david , that i am not rich . at any rate , you know it now . you have received some considerable education already . education is costly and even if it were not , and i could afford it , i am of opinion that it would not be at all advantageous to you to be kept at school . what is before you , is a fight with the world and the sooner you begin it , the better . i think it occurred to me that i had already begun it , in my poor way but it occurs to me now , whether or no . you have heard the counting house mentioned sometimes , said mr . murdstone . the counting house, , sir . i repeated . of murdstone and grinby , in the wine trade , he replied . i suppose i looked uncertain , for he went on hastily you have heard the counting house mentioned , or the business , or the cellars , or the wharf , or something about it . i think i have heard the business mentioned , sir , i said , remembering what i vaguely knew of his and his sisters resources . but i dont know when . it does not matter when , he returned . mr . quinion manages that business . i glanced at the latter deferentially as he stood looking out of window . mr . quinion suggests that it gives employment to some other boys , and that he sees no reason why it shouldnt , on the same terms , give employment to you . he having , mr . quinion observed in a low voice , and half turning round , no other prospect , murdstone . mr . murdstone , with an impatient , even an angry gesture , resumed , without noticing what he had said those terms are , that you will earn enough for yourself to provide for your eating and drinking , and pocket money . your lodging which i have arranged for will be paid by me . so will your washing  will be kept down to my estimate , said his sister . your clothes will be looked after for you , too , said mr . murdstone as you will not be able , yet awhile , to get them for yourself . so you are now going to london , david , with mr . quinion , to begin the world on your own account . in short , you are provided for , observed his sister and will please to do your duty . though i quite understood that the purpose of this announcement was to get rid of me , i have no distinct remembrance whether it pleased or frightened me . my impression is , that i was in a state of confusion about it , and , oscillating between the two points , touched neither . nor had i much time for the clearing of my thoughts , as mr . quinion was to go upon the morrow . behold me , on the morrow , in a much worn little white hat , with a black crape round it for my mother , a black jacket , and a pair of hard , stiff corduroy trousers  miss murdstone considered the best armour for the legs in that fight with the world which was now to come off . behold me so attired , and with my little worldly all before me in a small trunk , sitting , a lone lorn child in the post chaise that was carrying mr . quinion to the london coach at yarmouth . see , how our house and church are lessening in the distance how the grave beneath the tree is blotted out by intervening objects how the spire points upwards from my old playground no more , and the sky is empty . chapter . i begin life on my own account , and dont like it i know enough of the world now , to have almost lost the capacity of being much surprised by anything but it is matter of some surprise to me , even now , that i can have been so easily thrown away at such an age . a child of excellent abilities , and with strong powers of observation , quick , eager , delicate , and soon hurt bodily or mentally , it seems wonderful to me that nobody should have made any sign in my behalf . but none was made and i became , at ten years old , a little labouring hind in the service of murdstone and grinby . murdstone and grinbys warehouse was at the waterside . it was down in blackfriars . modern improvements have altered the place but it was the last house at the bottom of a narrow street , curving down hill to the river , with some stairs at the end , where people took boat . it was a crazy old house with a wharf of its own , abutting on the water when the tide was in , and on the mud when the tide was out , and literally overrun with rats . its panelled rooms , discoloured with the dirt and smoke of a hundred years , i dare say its decaying floors and staircase the squeaking and scuffling of the old grey rats down in the cellars and the dirt and rottenness of the place are things , not of many years ago , in my mind , but of the present instant . they are all before me , just as they were in the evil hour when i went among them for the first time , with my trembling hand in mr . quinions . murdstone and grinbys trade was among a good many kinds of people , but an important branch of it was the supply of wines and spirits to certain packet ships . i forget now where they chiefly went , but i think there were some among them that made voyages both to the east and west indies . i know that a great many empty bottles were one of the consequences of this traffic , and that certain men and boys were employed to examine them against the light , and reject those that were flawed , and to rinse and wash them . when the empty bottles ran short , there were labels to be pasted on full ones , or corks to be fitted to them , or seals to be put upon the corks , or finished bottles to be packed in casks . all this work was my work , and of the boys employed upon it i was one . there were three or four of us , counting me . my working place was established in a corner of the warehouse , where mr . quinion could see me , when he chose to stand up on the bottom rail of his stool in the counting house, , and look at me through a window above the desk . hither , on the first morning of my so auspiciously beginning life on my own account , the oldest of the regular boys was summoned to show me my business . his name was mick walker , and he wore a ragged apron and a paper cap . he informed me that his father was a bargeman , and walked , in a black velvet head dress, , in the lord mayors show . he also informed me that our principal associate would be another boy whom he introduced by the  me  name of mealy potatoes . i discovered , however , that this youth had not been christened by that name , but that it had been bestowed upon him in the warehouse , on account of his complexion , which was pale or mealy . mealys father was a waterman , who had the additional distinction of being a fireman , and was engaged as such at one of the large theatres where some young relation of mealys  think his little sister  imps in the pantomimes . no words can express the secret agony of my soul as i sunk into this companionship compared these henceforth everyday associates with those of my happier childhood  to say with steerforth , traddles , and the rest of those boys and felt my hopes of growing up to be a learned and distinguished man , crushed in my bosom . the deep remembrance of the sense i had , of being utterly without hope now of the shame i felt in my position of the misery it was to my young heart to believe that day by day what i had learned , and thought , and delighted in , and raised my fancy and my emulation up by , would pass away from me , little by little , never to be brought back any more cannot be written . as often as mick walker went away in the course of that forenoon , i mingled my tears with the water in which i was washing the bottles and sobbed as if there were a flaw in my own breast , and it were in danger of bursting . the counting house clock was at half past twelve , and there was general preparation for going to dinner , when mr . quinion tapped at the counting house window , and beckoned to me to go in . i went in , and found there a stoutish , middle aged person , in a brown surtout and black tights and shoes , with no more hair upon his head which was a large one , and very shining than there is upon an egg , and with a very extensive face , which he turned full upon me . his clothes were shabby , but he had an imposing shirt collar on . he carried a jaunty sort of a stick , with a large pair of rusty tassels to it and a quizzing glass hung outside his coat  , ornament , i afterwards found , as he very seldom looked through it , and couldnt see anything when he did . this , said mr . quinion , in allusion to myself , is he . this , said the stranger , with a certain condescending roll in his voice , and a certain indescribable air of doing something genteel , which impressed me very much , is master copperfield . i hope i see you well , sir . i said i was very well , and hoped he was . i was sufficiently ill at ease , heaven knows but it was not in my nature to complain much at that time of my life , so i said i was very well , and hoped he was . i am , said the stranger , thank heaven , quite well . i have received a letter from mr . murdstone , in which he mentions that he would desire me to receive into an apartment in the rear of my house , which is at present unoccupied  is , in short , to be let as a  short , said the stranger , with a smile and in a burst of confidence , as a bedroom  young beginner whom i have now the pleasure to  and the stranger waved his hand , and settled his chin in his shirt collar . this is mr . micawber , said mr . quinion to me . ahem . said the stranger , that is my name . mr . micawber , said mr . quinion , is known to mr . murdstone . he takes orders for us on commission , when he can get any . he has been written to by mr . murdstone , on the subject of your lodgings , and he will receive you as a lodger . my address , said mr . micawber , is windsor terrace , city road . i  short , said mr . micawber , with the same genteel air , and in another burst of confidence  live there . i made him a bow . under the impression , said mr . micawber , that your peregrinations in this metropolis have not as yet been extensive , and that you might have some difficulty in penetrating the arcana of the modern babylon in the direction of the city road  , short , said mr . micawber , in another burst of confidence , that you might lose yourself  shall be happy to call this evening , and install you in the knowledge of the nearest way . i thanked him with all my heart , for it was friendly in him to offer to take that trouble . at what hour , said mr . micawber , shall i  at about eight , said mr . quinion . at about eight , said mr . micawber . i beg to wish you good day , mr . quinion . i will intrude no longer . so he put on his hat , and went out with his cane under his arm very upright , and humming a tune when he was clear of the counting house . mr . quinion then formally engaged me to be as useful as i could in the warehouse of murdstone and grinby , at a salary , i think , of six shillings a week . i am not clear whether it was six or seven . i am inclined to believe , from my uncertainty on this head , that it was six at first and seven afterwards . he paid me a week down from his own pocket , i believe , and i gave mealy sixpence out of it to get my trunk carried to windsor terrace that night it being too heavy for my strength , small as it was . i paid sixpence more for my dinner , which was a meat pie and a turn at a neighbouring pump and passed the hour which was allowed for that meal , in walking about the streets . at the appointed time in the evening , mr . micawber reappeared . i washed my hands and face , to do the greater honour to his gentility , and we walked to our house , as i suppose i must now call it , together mr . micawber impressing the name of streets , and the shapes of corner houses upon me , as we went along , that i might find my way back , easily , in the morning . arrived at this house in windsor terrace which i noticed was shabby like himself , but also , like himself , made all the show it could , he presented me to mrs . micawber , a thin and faded lady , not at all young , who was sitting in the parlour the first floor was altogether unfurnished , and the blinds were kept down to delude the neighbours , with a baby at her breast . this baby was one of twins and i may remark here that i hardly ever , in all my experience of the family , saw both the twins detached from mrs . micawber at the same time . one of them was always taking refreshment . there were two other children master micawber , aged about four , and miss micawber , aged about three . these , and a dark complexioned young woman , with a habit of snorting , who was servant to the family , and informed me , before half an hour had expired , that she was a orfling , and came from st . lukes workhouse , in the neighbourhood , completed the establishment . my room was at the top of the house , at the back a close chamber stencilled all over with an ornament which my young imagination represented as a blue muffin and very scantily furnished . i never thought , said mrs . micawber , when she came up , twin and all , to show me the apartment , and sat down to take breath , before i was married , when i lived with papa and mama , that i should ever find it necessary to take a lodger . but mr . micawber being in difficulties , all considerations of private feeling must give way . i said yes , maam . mr . micawbers difficulties are almost overwhelming just at present , said mrs . micawber and whether it is possible to bring him through them , i dont know . when i lived at home with papa and mama , i really should have hardly understood what the word meant , in the sense in which i now employ it , but experientia does it  , papa used to say . i cannot satisfy myself whether she told me that mr . micawber had been an officer in the marines , or whether i have imagined it . i only know that i believe to this hour that he was in the marines once upon a time , without knowing why . he was a sort of town traveller for a number of miscellaneous houses , now but made little or nothing of it , i am afraid . if mr . micawbers creditors will not give him time , said mrs . micawber , they must take the consequences and the sooner they bring it to an issue the better . blood cannot be obtained from a stone , neither can anything on account be obtained at present not to mention law expenses from mr . micawber . i never can quite understand whether my precocious self dependence confused mrs . micawber in reference to my age , or whether she was so full of the subject that she would have talked about it to the very twins if there had been nobody else to communicate with , but this was the strain in which she began , and she went on accordingly all the time i knew her . poor mrs . micawber . she said she had tried to exert herself , and so , i have no doubt , she had . the centre of the street door was perfectly covered with a great brass plate, , on which was engraved mrs . micawbers boarding establishment for young ladies but i never found that any young lady had ever been to school there or that any young lady ever came , or proposed to come or that the least preparation was ever made to receive any young lady . the only visitors i ever saw , or heard of , were creditors . they used to come at all hours , and some of them were quite ferocious . one dirty faced man , i think he was a boot maker, , used to edge himself into the passage as early as seven oclock in the morning , and call up the stairs to mr . micawber  . you aint out yet , you know . pay us , will you . dont hide , you know thats mean . i wouldnt be mean if i was you . pay us , will you . you just pay us , dye hear . come . receiving no answer to these taunts , he would mount in his wrath to the words swindlers and robbers and these being ineffectual too , would sometimes go to the extremity of crossing the street , and roaring up at the windows of the second floor , where he knew mr . micawber was . at these times , mr . micawber would be transported with grief and mortification , even to the length as i was once made aware by a scream from his wife of making motions at himself with a razor but within half an afterwards , he would polish up his shoes with extraordinary pains , and go out , humming a tune with a greater air of gentility than ever . mrs . micawber was quite as elastic . i have known her to be thrown into fainting fits by the kings taxes at three oclock , and to eat lamb chops , breaded , and drink warm ale paid for with two tea spoons that had gone to the pawnbrokers at four . on one occasion , when an execution had just been put in , coming home through some chance as early as six oclock , i saw her lying of course with a twin under the grate in a swoon , with her hair all torn about her face but i never knew her more cheerful than she was , that very same night , over a veal cutlet before the kitchen fire , telling me stories about her papa and mama , and the company they used to keep . in this house , and with this family , i passed my leisure time . my own exclusive breakfast of a penny loaf and a pennyworth of milk , i provided myself . i kept another small loaf , and a modicum of cheese , on a particular shelf of a particular cupboard , to make my supper on when i came back at night . this made a hole in the six or seven shillings , i know well and i was out at the warehouse all day , and had to support myself on that money all the week . from monday morning until saturday night , i had no advice , no counsel , no encouragement , no consolation , no assistance , no support , of any kind , from anyone , that i can call to mind , as i hope to go to heaven . i was so young and childish , and so little qualified  could i be otherwise . undertake the whole charge of my own existence , that often , in going to murdstone and grinbys , of a morning , i could not resist the stale pastry put out for sale at half price at the pastrycooks doors , and spent in that the money i should have kept for my dinner . then , i went without my dinner , or bought a roll or a slice of pudding . i remember two pudding shops , between which i was divided , according to my finances . one was in a court close to st . martins church  the back of the church  , is now removed altogether . the pudding at that shop was made of currants , and was rather a special pudding , but was dear , twopennyworth not being larger than a pennyworth of more ordinary pudding . a good shop for the latter was in the strand  in that part which has been rebuilt since . it was a stout pale pudding , heavy and flabby , and with great flat raisins in it , stuck in whole at wide distances apart . it came up hot at about my time every day , and many a day did i dine off it . when i dined regularly and handsomely , i had a saveloy and a penny loaf , or a fourpenny plate of red beef from a cooks shop or a plate of bread and cheese and a glass of beer , from a miserable old public house opposite our place of business , called the lion , or the lion and something else that i have forgotten . once , i remember carrying my own bread which i had brought from home in the morning under my arm , wrapped in a piece of paper , like a book , and going to a famous alamode beef house near drury lane , and ordering a small plate of that delicacy to eat with it . what the waiter thought of such a strange little apparition coming in all alone , i dont know but i can see him now , staring at me as i ate my dinner , and bringing up the other waiter to look . i gave him a halfpenny for himself , and i wish he hadnt taken it . we had half an , i think , for tea . when i had money enough , i used to get half a of ready made coffee and a slice of bread and butter . when i had none , i used to look at a venison shop in fleet street or i have strolled , at such a time , as far as covent garden market , and stared at the pineapples . i was fond of wandering about the adelphi , because it was a mysterious place , with those dark arches . i see myself emerging one evening from some of these arches , on a little public house close to the river , with an open space before it , where some coal heavers were dancing to look at whom i sat down upon a bench . i wonder what they thought of me . i was such a child , and so little , that frequently when i went into the bar of a strange public house for a glass of ale or porter , to moisten what i had for dinner , they were afraid to give it me . i remember one hot evening i went into the bar of a public house, , and said to the landlord what is your best  very best  a glass . for it was a special occasion . i dont know what . it may have been my birthday . twopence halfpenny, , says the landlord , is the price of the genuine stunning ale . then , says i , producing the money , just draw me a glass of the genuine stunning , if you please , with a good head to it . the landlord looked at me in return over the bar , from head to foot , with a strange smile on his face and instead of drawing the beer , looked round the screen and said something to his wife . she came out from behind it , with her work in her hand , and joined him in surveying me . here we stand , all three , before me now . the landlord in his shirt sleeves, , leaning against the bar window frame his wife looking over the little half door and i , in some confusion , looking up at them from outside the partition . they asked me a good many questions as , what my name was , how old i was , where i lived , how i was employed , and how i came there . to all of which , that i might commit nobody , i invented , i am afraid , appropriate answers . they served me with the ale , though i suspect it was not the genuine stunning and the landlords wife , opening the little half door of the bar , and bending down , gave me my money back , and gave me a kiss that was half admiring and half compassionate , but all womanly and good , i am sure . i know i do not exaggerate , unconsciously and unintentionally , the scantiness of my resources or the difficulties of my life . i know that if a shilling were given me by mr . quinion at any time , i spent it in a dinner or a tea . i know that i worked , from morning until night , with common men and boys , a shabby child . i know that i lounged about the streets , insufficiently and unsatisfactorily fed . i know that , but for the mercy of god , i might easily have been , for any care that was taken of me , a little robber or a little vagabond . yet i held some station at murdstone and grinbys too . besides that mr . quinion did what a careless man so occupied , and dealing with a thing so anomalous , could , to treat me as one upon a different footing from the rest , i never said , to man or boy , how it was that i came to be there , or gave the least indication of being sorry that i was there . that i suffered in secret , and that i suffered exquisitely , no one ever knew but i . how much i suffered , it is , as i have said already , utterly beyond my power to tell . but i kept my own counsel , and i did my work . i knew from the first , that , if i could not do my work as well as any of the rest , i could not hold myself above slight and contempt . i soon became at least as expeditious and as skilful as either of the other boys . though perfectly familiar with them , my conduct and manner were different enough from theirs to place a space between us . they and the men generally spoke of me as the little gent , or the young suffolker . a certain man named gregory , who was foreman of the packers , and another named tipp , who was the carman , and wore a red jacket , used to address me sometimes as david but i think it was mostly when we were very confidential , and when i had made some efforts to entertain them , over our work , with some results of the old readings which were fast perishing out of my remembrance . mealy potatoes uprose once , and rebelled against my being so distinguished but mick walker settled him in no time . my rescue from this kind of existence i considered quite hopeless , and abandoned , as such , altogether . i am solemnly convinced that i never for one hour was reconciled to it , or was otherwise than miserably unhappy but i bore it and even to peggotty , partly for the love of her and partly for shame , never in any letter revealed the truth . mr . micawbers difficulties were an addition to the distressed state of my mind . in my forlorn state i became quite attached to the family , and used to walk about , busy with mrs . micawbers calculations of ways and means , and heavy with the weight of mr . micawbers debts . on a saturday night , which was my grand treat  , because it was a great thing to walk home with six or seven shillings in my pocket , looking into the shops and thinking what such a sum would buy , and partly because i went home early  , . micawber would make the most heart rending confidences to me also on a sunday morning , when i mixed the portion of tea or coffee i had bought over night, , in a little shaving pot, , and sat late at my breakfast . it was nothing at all unusual for mr . micawber to sob violently at the beginning of one of these saturday night conversations , and sing about jacks delight being his lovely nan , towards the end of it . i have known him come home to supper with a flood of tears , and a declaration that nothing was now left but a jail and go to bed making a calculation of the expense of putting bow windows to the house , in case anything turned up , which was his favourite expression . and mrs . micawber was just the same . a curious equality of friendship , originating , i suppose , in our respective circumstances , sprung up between me and these people , notwithstanding the ludicrous disparity in our years . but i never allowed myself to be prevailed upon to accept any invitation to eat and drink with them out of their stock knowing that they got on badly with the butcher and baker , and had often not too much for themselves , until mrs . micawber took me into her entire confidence . this she did one evening as follows master copperfield , said mrs . micawber , i make no stranger of you , and therefore do not hesitate to say that mr . micawbers difficulties are coming to a crisis . it made me very miserable to hear it , and i looked at mrs . micawbers red eyes with the utmost sympathy . with the exception of the heel of a dutch cheese  is not adapted to the wants of a young family  mrs . micawber , there is really not a scrap of anything in the larder . i was accustomed to speak of the larder when i lived with papa and mama , and i use the word almost unconsciously . what i mean to express is , that there is nothing to eat in the house . dear me . i said , in great concern . i had two or three shillings of my weeks money in my pocket  which i presume that it must have been on a wednesday night when we held this conversation  i hastily produced them , and with heartfelt emotion begged mrs . micawber to accept of them as a loan . but that lady , kissing me , and making me put them back in my pocket , replied that she couldnt think of it . no , my dear master copperfield , said she , far be it from my thoughts . but you have a discretion beyond your years , and can render me another kind of service , if you will and a service i will thankfully accept of . i begged mrs . micawber to name it . i have parted with the plate myself , said mrs . micawber . six tea , two salt , and a pair of sugars , i have at different times borrowed money on , in secret , with my own hands . but the twins are a great tie and to me , with my recollections , of papa and mama , these transactions are very painful . there are still a few trifles that we could part with . mr . micawbers feelings would never allow him to dispose of them and clickett  was the girl from the workhouse  of a vulgar mind , would take painful liberties if so much confidence was reposed in her . master copperfield , if i might ask you  i understood mrs . micawber now , and begged her to make use of me to any extent . i began to dispose of the more portable articles of property that very evening and went out on a similar expedition almost every morning , before i went to murdstone and grinbys . mr . micawber had a few books on a little chiffonier , which he called the library and those went first . i carried them , one after another , to a bookstall in the city road  part of which , near our house , was almost all bookstalls and bird shops then  sold them for whatever they would bring . the keeper of this bookstall , who lived in a little house behind it , used to get tipsy every night , and to be violently scolded by his wife every morning . more than once , when i went there early , i had audience of him in a turn up bedstead , with a cut in his forehead or a black eye , bearing witness to his excesses over night i am afraid he was quarrelsome in his drink , and he , with a shaking hand , endeavouring to find the needful shillings in one or other of the pockets of his clothes , which lay upon the floor , while his wife , with a baby in her arms and her shoes down at heel , never left off rating him . sometimes he had lost his money , and then he would ask me to call again but his wife had always got some  taken his , i dare say , while he was drunk  secretly completed the bargain on the stairs , as we went down together . at the pawnbrokers shop , too , i began to be very well known . the principal gentleman who officiated behind the counter , took a good deal of notice of me and often got me , i recollect , to decline a latin noun or adjective , or to conjugate a latin verb , in his ear , while he transacted my business . after all these occasions mrs . micawber made a little treat , which was generally a supper and there was a peculiar relish in these meals which i well remember . at last mr . micawbers difficulties came to a crisis , and he was arrested early one morning , and carried over to the kings bench prison in the borough . he told me , as he went out of the house , that the god of day had now gone down upon him  i really thought his heart was broken and mine too . but i heard , afterwards , that he was seen to play a lively game at skittles , before noon . on the first sunday after he was taken there , i was to go and see him , and have dinner with him . i was to ask my way to such a place , and just short of that place i should see such another place , and just short of that i should see a yard , which i was to cross , and keep straight on until i saw a turnkey . all this i did and when at last i did see a turnkey and thought how , when roderick random was in a debtors prison , there was a man there with nothing on him but an old rug , the turnkey swam before my dimmed eyes and my beating heart . mr . micawber was waiting for me within the gate , and we went up to his room and cried very much . he solemnly conjured me , i remember , to take warning by his fate and to observe that if a man had twenty pounds a year for his income , and spent nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and sixpence , he would be happy , but that if he spent twenty pounds one he would be miserable . after which he borrowed a shilling of me for porter , gave me a written order on mrs . micawber for the amount , and put away his pocket handkerchief, , and cheered up . we sat before a little fire , with two bricks put within the rusted grate , one on each side , to prevent its burning too many coals until another debtor , who shared the room with mr . micawber , came in from the bakehouse with the loin of mutton which was our joint stock repast . then i was sent up to captain hopkins in the room overhead , with mr . micawbers compliments , and i was his young friend , and would captain hopkins lend me a knife and fork . captain hopkins lent me the knife and fork , with his compliments to mr . micawber . there was a very dirty lady in his little room , and two wan girls , his daughters , with shock heads of hair . i thought it was better to borrow captain hopkinss knife and fork , than captain hopkinss comb . the captain himself was in the last extremity of shabbiness , with large whiskers , and an old , brown great coat with no other coat below it . i saw his bed rolled up in a corner and what plates and dishes and pots he had , on a shelf and i divined that though the two girls with the shock heads of hair were captain hopkinss children , the dirty lady was not married to captain hopkins . my timid station on his threshold was not occupied more than a couple of minutes at most but i came down again with all this in my knowledge , as surely as the knife and fork were in my hand . there was something gipsy like and agreeable in the dinner , after all . i took back captain hopkinss knife and fork early in the afternoon , and went home to comfort mrs . micawber with an account of my visit . she fainted when she saw me return , and made a little jug of egg hot afterwards to console us while we talked it over . i dont know how the household furniture came to be sold for the family benefit , or who sold it , except that i did not . sold it was , however , and carried away in a van except the bed , a few chairs , and the kitchen table . with these possessions we encamped , as it were , in the two parlours of the emptied house in windsor terrace mrs . micawber , the children , the orfling , and myself and lived in those rooms night and day . i have no idea for how long , though it seems to me for a long time . at last mrs . micawber resolved to move into the prison , where mr . micawber had now secured a room to himself . so i took the key of the house to the landlord , who was very glad to get it and the beds were sent over to the kings bench , except mine , for which a little room was hired outside the walls in the neighbourhood of that institution , very much to my satisfaction , since the micawbers and i had become too used to one another , in our troubles , to part . the orfling was likewise accommodated with an inexpensive lodging in the same neighbourhood . mine was a quiet back garret with a sloping roof , commanding a pleasant prospect of a timberyard and when i took possession of it , with the reflection that mr . micawbers troubles had come to a crisis at last , i thought it quite a paradise . all this time i was working at murdstone and grinbys in the same common way , and with the same common companions , and with the same sense of unmerited degradation as at first . but i never , happily for me no doubt , made a single acquaintance , or spoke to any of the many boys whom i saw daily in going to the warehouse , in coming from it , and in prowling about the streets at meal times . i led the same secretly unhappy life but i led it in the same lonely , self reliant manner . the only changes i am conscious of are , firstly , that i had grown more shabby , and secondly , that i was now relieved of much of the weight of mr . and mrs . micawbers cares for some relatives or friends had engaged to help them at their present pass , and they lived more comfortably in the prison than they had lived for a long while out of it . i used to breakfast with them now , in virtue of some arrangement , of which i have forgotten the details . i forget , too , at what hour the gates were opened in the morning , admitting of my going in but i know that i was often up at six oclock , and that my favourite lounging place in the interval was old london bridge , where i was wont to sit in one of the stone recesses , watching the people going by , or to look over the balustrades at the sun shining in the water , and lighting up the golden flame on the top of the monument . the orfling met me here sometimes , to be told some astonishing fictions respecting the wharves and the tower of which i can say no more than that i hope i believed them myself . in the evening i used to go back to the prison , and walk up and down the parade with mr . micawber or play casino with mrs . micawber , and hear reminiscences of her papa and mama . whether mr . murdstone knew where i was , i am unable to say . i never told them at murdstone and grinbys . mr . micawbers affairs , although past their crisis , were very much involved by reason of a certain deed , of which i used to hear a great deal , and which i suppose , now , to have been some former composition with his creditors , though i was so far from being clear about it then , that i am conscious of having confounded it with those demoniacal parchments which are held to have , once upon a time , obtained to a great extent in germany . at last this document appeared to be got out of the way , somehow at all events it ceased to be the rock ahead it had been and mrs . micawber informed me that her family had decided that mr . micawber should apply for his release under the insolvent debtors act , which would set him free , she expected , in about six weeks . and then , said mr . micawber , who was present , i have no doubt i shall , please heaven , begin to be beforehand with the world , and to live in a perfectly new manner , if  short , if anything turns up . by way of going in for anything that might be on the cards , i call to mind that mr . micawber , about this time , composed a petition to the house of commons , praying for an alteration in the law of imprisonment for debt . i set down this remembrance here , because it is an instance to myself of the manner in which i fitted my old books to my altered life , and made stories for myself , out of the streets , and out of men and women and how some main points in the character i shall unconsciously develop , i suppose , in writing my life , were gradually forming all this while . there was a club in the prison , in which mr . micawber , as a gentleman , was a great authority . mr . micawber had stated his idea of this petition to the club , and the club had strongly approved of the same . wherefore mr . micawber who was a thoroughly good natured man , and as active a creature about everything but his own affairs as ever existed , and never so happy as when he was busy about something that could never be of any profit to him set to work at the petition , invented it , engrossed it on an immense sheet of paper , spread it out on a table , and appointed a time for all the club , and all within the walls if they chose , to come up to his room and sign it . when i heard of this approaching ceremony , i was so anxious to see them all come in , one after another , though i knew the greater part of them already , and they me , that i got an hours leave of absence from murdstone and grinbys , and established myself in a corner for that purpose . as many of the principal members of the club as could be got into the small room without filling it , supported mr . micawber in front of the petition , while my old friend captain hopkins who had washed himself , to do honour to so solemn an occasion stationed himself close to it , to read it to all who were unacquainted with its contents . the door was then thrown open , and the general population began to come in , a long file several waiting outside , while one entered , affixed his signature , and went out . to everybody in succession , captain hopkins said have you read it .  . you like to hear it read . if he weakly showed the least disposition to hear it , captain hopkins , in a loud sonorous voice , gave him every word of it . the captain would have read it twenty thousand times , if twenty thousand people would have heard him , one by one . i remember a certain luscious roll he gave to such phrases as the peoples representatives in parliament assembled , your petitioners therefore humbly approach your honourable house , his gracious majestys unfortunate subjects , as if the words were something real in his mouth , and delicious to taste mr . micawber , meanwhile , listening with a little of an authors vanity , and contemplating not severely the spikes on the opposite wall . as i walked to and fro daily between southwark and blackfriars , and lounged about at meal times in obscure streets , the stones of which may , for anything i know , be worn at this moment by my childish feet , i wonder how many of these people were wanting in the crowd that used to come filing before me in review again , to the echo of captain hopkinss voice . when my thoughts go back , now , to that slow agony of my youth , i wonder how much of the histories i invented for such people hangs like a mist of fancy over well remembered facts . when i tread the old ground , i do not wonder that i seem to see and pity , going on before me , an innocent romantic boy , making his imaginative world out of such strange experiences and sordid things . chapter . liking life on my own account no better , i form a great resolution in due time , mr . micawbers petition was ripe for hearing and that gentleman was ordered to be discharged under the act , to my great joy . his creditors were not implacable and mrs . micawber informed me that even the revengeful boot maker had declared in open court that he bore him no malice , but that when money was owing to him he liked to be paid . he said he thought it was human nature . mr . micawber returned to the kings bench when his case was over , as some fees were to be settled , and some formalities observed , before he could be actually released . the club received him with transport , and held an harmonic meeting that evening in his honour while mrs . micawber and i had a lambs fry in private , surrounded by the sleeping family . on such an occasion i will give you , master copperfield , said mrs . micawber , in a little more flip , for we had been having some already , the memory of my papa and mama . are they dead , maam . i inquired , after drinking the toast in a wine glass . my mama departed this life , said mrs . micawber , before mr . micawbers difficulties commenced , or at least before they became pressing . my papa lived to bail mr . micawber several times , and then expired , regretted by a numerous circle . mrs . micawber shook her head , and dropped a pious tear upon the twin who happened to be in hand . as i could hardly hope for a more favourable opportunity of putting a question in which i had a near interest , i said to mrs . micawber may i ask , maam , what you and mr . micawber intend to do , now that mr . micawber is out of his difficulties , and at liberty . have you settled yet . my family , said mrs . micawber , who always said those two words with an air , though i never could discover who came under the denomination , my family are of opinion that mr . micawber should quit london , and exert his talents in the country . mr . micawber is a man of great talent , master copperfield . i said i was sure of that . of great talent , repeated mrs . micawber . my family are of opinion , that , with a little interest , something might be done for a man of his ability in the custom house . the influence of my family being local , it is their wish that mr . micawber should go down to plymouth . they think it indispensable that he should be upon the spot . that he may be ready . i suggested . exactly , returned mrs . micawber . that he may be ready  case of anything turning up . and do you go too , maam . the events of the day , in combination with the twins , if not with the flip , had made mrs . micawber hysterical , and she shed tears as she replied i never will desert mr . micawber . mr . micawber may have concealed his difficulties from me in the first instance , but his sanguine temper may have led him to expect that he would overcome them . the pearl necklace and bracelets which i inherited from mama , have been disposed of for less than half their value and the set of coral , which was the wedding gift of my papa , has been actually thrown away for nothing . but i never will desert mr . micawber . no . cried mrs . micawber , more affected than before , i never will do it . its of no use asking me . i felt quite uncomfortable  if mrs . micawber supposed i had asked her to do anything of the sort . sat looking at her in alarm . mr . micawber has his faults . i do not deny that he is improvident . i do not deny that he has kept me in the dark as to his resources and his liabilities both , she went on , looking at the wall but i never will desert mr . micawber . mrs . micawber having now raised her voice into a perfect scream , i was so frightened that i ran off to the club room, , and disturbed mr . micawber in the act of presiding at a long table , and leading the chorus of gee up , dobbin , gee ho , dobbin , gee up , dobbin , gee up , and gee ho  . with the tidings that mrs . micawber was in an alarming state , upon which he immediately burst into tears , and came away with me with his waistcoat full of the heads and tails of shrimps , of which he had been partaking . emma , my angel . cried mr . micawber , running into the room what is the matter . i never will desert you , micawber . she exclaimed . my life . said mr . micawber , taking her in his arms . i am perfectly aware of it . he is the parent of my children . he is the father of my twins . he is the husband of my affections , cried mrs . micawber , struggling and i ne  mr . micawber . mr . micawber was so deeply affected by this proof of her devotion as to me , i was dissolved in tears , that he hung over her in a passionate manner , imploring her to look up , and to be calm . but the more he asked mrs . micawber to look up , the more she fixed her eyes on nothing and the more he asked her to compose herself , the more she wouldnt . consequently mr . micawber was soon so overcome , that he mingled his tears with hers and mine until he begged me to do him the favour of taking a chair on the staircase , while he got her into bed . i would have taken my leave for the night , but he would not hear of my doing that until the strangers bell should ring . so i sat at the staircase window , until he came out with another chair and joined me . how is mrs . micawber now , sir . i said . very low , said mr . micawber , shaking his head reaction . ah , this has been a dreadful day . we stand alone now  is gone from us . mr . micawber pressed my hand , and groaned , and afterwards shed tears . i was greatly touched , and disappointed too , for i had expected that we should be quite gay on this happy and long looked occasion . but mr . and mrs . micawber were so used to their old difficulties , i think , that they felt quite shipwrecked when they came to consider that they were released from them . all their elasticity was departed , and i never saw them half so wretched as on this night insomuch that when the bell rang , and mr . micawber walked with me to the lodge , and parted from me there with a blessing , i felt quite afraid to leave him by himself , he was so profoundly miserable . but through all the confusion and lowness of spirits in which we had been , so unexpectedly to me , involved , i plainly discerned that mr . and mrs . micawber and their family were going away from london , and that a parting between us was near at hand . it was in my walk home that night , and in the sleepless hours which followed when i lay in bed , that the thought first occurred to me  i dont know how it came into my head  afterwards shaped itself into a settled resolution . i had grown to be so accustomed to the micawbers , and had been so intimate with them in their distresses , and was so utterly friendless without them , that the prospect of being thrown upon some new shift for a lodging , and going once more among unknown people , was like being that moment turned adrift into my present life , with such a knowledge of it ready made as experience had given me . all the sensitive feelings it wounded so cruelly , all the shame and misery it kept alive within my breast , became more poignant as i thought of this and i determined that the life was unendurable . that there was no hope of escape from it , unless the escape was my own act , i knew quite well . i rarely heard from miss murdstone , and never from mr . murdstone but two or three parcels of made or mended clothes had come up for me , consigned to mr . quinion , and in each there was a scrap of paper to the effect that j . m . trusted d . c . was applying himself to business , and devoting himself wholly to his duties  the least hint of my ever being anything else than the common drudge into which i was fast settling down . the very next day showed me , while my mind was in the first agitation of what it had conceived , that mrs . micawber had not spoken of their going away without warrant . they took a lodging in the house where i lived , for a week at the expiration of which time they were to start for plymouth . mr . micawber himself came down to the counting house, , in the afternoon , to tell mr . quinion that he must relinquish me on the day of his departure , and to give me a high character , which i am sure i deserved . and mr . quinion , calling in tipp the carman , who was a married man , and had a room to let , quartered me prospectively on him  our mutual consent , as he had every reason to think for i said nothing , though my resolution was now taken . i passed my evenings with mr . and mrs . micawber , during the remaining term of our residence under the same roof and i think we became fonder of one another as the time went on . on the last sunday , they invited me to dinner and we had a loin of pork and apple sauce , and a pudding . i had bought a spotted wooden horse over night as a parting gift to little wilkins micawber  was the boy  a doll for little emma . i had also bestowed a shilling on the orfling , who was about to be disbanded . we had a very pleasant day , though we were all in a tender state about our approaching separation . i shall never , master copperfield , said mrs . micawber , revert to the period when mr . micawber was in difficulties , without thinking of you . your conduct has always been of the most delicate and obliging description . you have never been a lodger . you have been a friend . my dear , said mr . micawber copperfield , for so he had been accustomed to call me , of late , has a heart to feel for the distresses of his fellow creatures when they are behind a cloud , and a head to plan , and a hand to  short , a general ability to dispose of such available property as could be made away with . i expressed my sense of this commendation , and said i was very sorry we were going to lose one another . my dear young friend , said mr . micawber , i am older than you a man of some experience in life , and  of some experience , in short , in difficulties , generally speaking . at present , and until something turns up i have nothing to bestow but advice . still my advice is so far worth taking , that  short , that i have never taken it myself , and am the  mr . micawber , who had been beaming and smiling , all over his head and face , up to the present moment , checked himself and frowned  miserable wretch you behold . my dear micawber . urged his wife . i say , returned mr . micawber , quite forgetting himself , and smiling again , the miserable wretch you behold . my advice is , never do tomorrow what you can do today . procrastination is the thief of time . collar him . my poor papas maxim , mrs . micawber observed . my dear , said mr . micawber , your papa was very well in his way , and heaven forbid that i should disparage him . take him for all in all , we neer shall  short , make the acquaintance , probably , of anybody else possessing , at his time of life , the same legs for gaiters , and able to read the same description of print , without spectacles . but he applied that maxim to our marriage , my dear and that was so far prematurely entered into , in consequence , that i never recovered the expense . mr . micawber looked aside at mrs . micawber , and added not that i am sorry for it . quite the contrary , my love . after which , he was grave for a minute or so . my other piece of advice , copperfield , said mr . micawber , you know . annual income twenty pounds , annual expenditure nineteen and six , result happiness . annual income twenty pounds , annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six , result misery . the blossom is blighted , the leaf is withered , the god of day goes down upon the dreary scene , and  in short you are for ever floored . as i am . to make his example the more impressive , mr . micawber drank a glass of punch with an air of great enjoyment and satisfaction , and whistled the college hornpipe . i did not fail to assure him that i would store these precepts in my mind , though indeed i had no need to do so , for , at the time , they affected me visibly . next morning i met the whole family at the coach office , and saw them , with a desolate heart , take their places outside , at the back . master copperfield , said mrs . micawber , god bless you . i never can forget all that , you know , and i never would if i could . copperfield , said mr . micawber , farewell . every happiness and prosperity . if , in the progress of revolving years , i could persuade myself that my blighted destiny had been a warning to you , i should feel that i had not occupied another mans place in existence altogether in vain . in case of anything turning up i shall be extremely happy if it should be in my power to improve your prospects . i think , as mrs . micawber sat at the back of the coach , with the children , and i stood in the road looking wistfully at them , a mist cleared from her eyes , and she saw what a little creature i really was . i think so , because she beckoned to me to climb up , with quite a new and motherly expression in her face , and put her arm round my neck , and gave me just such a kiss as she might have given to her own boy . i had barely time to get down again before the coach started , and i could hardly see the family for the handkerchiefs they waved . it was gone in a minute . the orfling and i stood looking vacantly at each other in the middle of the road , and then shook hands and said good bye she going back , i suppose , to st . lukes workhouse , as i went to begin my weary day at murdstone and grinbys . but with no intention of passing many more weary days there . no . i had resolved to run away . go , by some means or other , down into the country , to the only relation i had in the world , and tell my story to my aunt , miss betsey . i have already observed that i dont know how this desperate idea came into my brain . but , once there , it remained there and hardened into a purpose than which i have never entertained a more determined purpose in my life . i am far from sure that i believed there was anything hopeful in it , but my mind was thoroughly made up that it must be carried into execution . again , and again , and a hundred times again , since the night when the thought had first occurred to me and banished sleep , i had gone over that old story of my poor mothers about my birth , which it had been one of my great delights in the old time to hear her tell , and which i knew by heart . my aunt walked into that story , and walked out of it , a dread and awful personage but there was one little trait in her behaviour which i liked to dwell on , and which gave me some faint shadow of encouragement . i could not forget how my mother had thought that she felt her touch her pretty hair with no ungentle hand and though it might have been altogether my mothers fancy , and might have had no foundation whatever in fact , i made a little picture , out of it , of my terrible aunt relenting towards the girlish beauty that i recollected so well and loved so much , which softened the whole narrative . it is very possible that it had been in my mind a long time , and had gradually engendered my determination . as i did not even know where miss betsey lived , i wrote a long letter to peggotty , and asked her , incidentally , if she remembered pretending that i had heard of such a lady living at a certain place i named at random , and had a curiosity to know if it were the same . in the course of that letter , i told peggotty that i had a particular occasion for half a guinea and that if she could lend me that sum until i could repay it , i should be very much obliged to her , and would tell her afterwards what i had wanted it for . peggottys answer soon arrived , and was , as usual , full of affectionate devotion . she enclosed the half guinea i was afraid she must have had a world of trouble to get it out of mr . barkiss box , and told me that miss betsey lived near dover , but whether at dover itself , at hythe , sandgate , or folkestone , she could not say . one of our men , however , informing me on my asking him about these places , that they were all close together , i deemed this enough for my object , and resolved to set out at the end of that week . being a very honest little creature , and unwilling to disgrace the memory i was going to leave behind me at murdstone and grinbys , i considered myself bound to remain until saturday night and , as i had been paid a weeks wages in advance when i first came there , not to present myself in the counting house at the usual hour , to receive my stipend . for this express reason , i had borrowed the half guinea, , that i might not be without a fund for my travelling expenses . accordingly , when the saturday night came , and we were all waiting in the warehouse to be paid , and tipp the carman , who always took precedence , went in first to draw his money , i shook mick walker by the hand asked him , when it came to his turn to be paid , to say to mr . quinion that i had gone to move my box to tipps and , bidding a last good night to mealy potatoes , ran away . my box was at my old lodging , over the water , and i had written a direction for it on the back of one of our address cards that we nailed on the casks master david , to be left till called for , at the coach office , dover . this i had in my pocket ready to put on the box , after i should have got it out of the house and as i went towards my lodging , i looked about me for someone who would help me to carry it to the booking office . there was a long legged young man with a very little empty donkey cart, , standing near the obelisk , in the blackfriars road , whose eye i caught as i was going by , and who , addressing me as sixpennorth of bad hapence , hoped i should know him agin to swear to  allusion , i have no doubt , to my staring at him . i stopped to assure him that i had not done so in bad manners , but uncertain whether he might or might not like a job . wot job . said the long legged young man . to move a box , i answered . wot box . said the long legged young man . i told him mine , which was down that street there , and which i wanted him to take to the dover coach office for sixpence . done with you for a tanner . said the long legged young man , and directly got upon his cart , which was nothing but a large wooden tray on wheels , and rattled away at such a rate , that it was as much as i could do to keep pace with the donkey . there was a defiant manner about this young man , and particularly about the way in which he chewed straw as he spoke to me , that i did not much like as the bargain was made , however , i took him upstairs to the room i was leaving , and we brought the box down , and put it on his cart . now , i was unwilling to put the direction card on there , lest any of my landlords family should fathom what i was doing , and detain me so i said to the young man that i would be glad if he would stop for a minute , when he came to the dead wall of the kings bench prison . the words were no sooner out of my mouth , than he rattled away as if he , my box , the cart , and the donkey , were all equally mad and i was quite out of breath with running and calling after him , when i caught him at the place appointed . being much flushed and excited , i tumbled my half guinea out of my pocket in pulling the card out . i put it in my mouth for safety , and though my hands trembled a good deal , had just tied the card on very much to my satisfaction , when i felt myself violently chucked under the chin by the long legged young man , and saw my half guinea fly out of my mouth into his hand . wot . said the young man , seizing me by my jacket collar , with a frightful grin . this is a pollis case , is it . youre a going to bolt , are you . come to the pollis , you young warmin , come to the pollis . you give me my money back , if you please , said i , very much frightened and leave me alone . come to the pollis . said the young man . you shall prove it yourn to the pollis . give me my box and money , will you , i cried , bursting into tears . the young man still replied come to the pollis . and was dragging me against the donkey in a violent manner , as if there were any affinity between that animal and a magistrate , when he changed his mind , jumped into the cart , sat upon my box , and , exclaiming that he would drive to the pollis straight , rattled away harder than ever . i ran after him as fast as i could , but i had no breath to call out with , and should not have dared to call out , now , if i had . i narrowly escaped being run over , twenty times at least , in half a mile . now i lost him , now i saw him , now i lost him , now i was cut at with a whip , now shouted at , now down in the mud , now up again , now running into somebodys arms , now running headlong at a post . at length , confused by fright and heat , and doubting whether half london might not by this time be turning out for my apprehension , i left the young man to go where he would with my box and money and , panting and crying , but never stopping , faced about for greenwich , which i had understood was on the dover road taking very little more out of the world , towards the retreat of my aunt , miss betsey , than i had brought into it , on the night when my arrival gave her so much umbrage . chapter . the sequel of my resolution for anything i know , i may have had some wild idea of running all the way to dover , when i gave up the pursuit of the young man with the donkey cart, , and started for greenwich . my scattered senses were soon collected as to that point , if i had for i came to a stop in the kent road , at a terrace with a piece of water before it , and a great foolish image in the middle , blowing a dry shell . here i sat down on a doorstep , quite spent and exhausted with the efforts i had already made , and with hardly breath enough to cry for the loss of my box and half guinea . it was by this time dark i heard the clocks strike ten , as i sat resting . but it was a summer night , fortunately , and fine weather . when i had recovered my breath , and had got rid of a stifling sensation in my throat , i rose up and went on . in the midst of my distress , i had no notion of going back . i doubt if i should have had any , though there had been a swiss snow drift in the kent road . but my standing possessed of only three halfpence in the world and i am sure i wonder how they came to be left in my pocket on a saturday night . troubled me none the less because i went on . i began to picture to myself , as a scrap of newspaper intelligence , my being found dead in a day or two , under some hedge and i trudged on miserably , though as fast as i could , until i happened to pass a little shop , where it was written up that ladies and gentlemens wardrobes were bought , and that the best price was given for rags , bones , and kitchen stuff . the master of this shop was sitting at the door in his shirt sleeves, , smoking and as there were a great many coats and pairs of trousers dangling from the low ceiling , and only two feeble candles burning inside to show what they were , i fancied that he looked like a man of a revengeful disposition , who had hung all his enemies , and was enjoying himself . my late experiences with mr . and mrs . micawber suggested to me that here might be a means of keeping off the wolf for a little while . i went up the next by street, , took off my waistcoat , rolled it neatly under my arm , and came back to the shop door . if you please , sir , i said , i am to sell this for a fair price . mr . dolloby  was the name over the shop door , at least  the waistcoat , stood his pipe on its head , against the door post, , went into the shop , followed by me , snuffed the two candles with his fingers , spread the waistcoat on the counter , and looked at it there , held it up against the light , and looked at it there , and ultimately said what do you call a price , now , for this here little weskit . oh . you know best , sir , i returned modestly . i cant be buyer and seller too , said mr . dolloby . put a price on this here little weskit . would eighteenpence be . hinted , after some hesitation . mr . dolloby rolled it up again , and gave it me back . i should rob my family , he said , if i was to offer ninepence for it . this was a disagreeable way of putting the business because it imposed upon me , a perfect stranger , the unpleasantness of asking mr . dolloby to rob his family on my account . my circumstances being so very pressing , however , i said i would take ninepence for it , if he pleased . mr . dolloby , not without some grumbling , gave ninepence . i wished him good night , and walked out of the shop the richer by that sum , and the poorer by a waistcoat . but when i buttoned my jacket , that was not much . indeed , i foresaw pretty clearly that my jacket would go next , and that i should have to make the best of my way to dover in a shirt and a pair of trousers , and might deem myself lucky if i got there even in that trim . but my mind did not run so much on this as might be supposed . beyond a general impression of the distance before me , and of the young man with the donkey cart having used me cruelly , i think i had no very urgent sense of my difficulties when i once again set off with my ninepence in my pocket . a plan had occurred to me for passing the night , which i was going to carry into execution . this was , to lie behind the wall at the back of my old school , in a corner where there used to be a haystack . i imagined it would be a kind of company to have the boys , and the bedroom where i used to tell the stories , so near me although the boys would know nothing of my being there , and the bedroom would yield me no shelter . i had a hard days work , and was pretty well jaded when i came climbing out , at last , upon the level of blackheath . it cost me some trouble to find out salem house but i found it , and i found a haystack in the corner , and i lay down by it having first walked round the wall , and looked up at the windows , and seen that all was dark and silent within . never shall i forget the lonely sensation of first lying down , without a roof above my head . sleep came upon me as it came on many other outcasts , against whom house doors were locked , and house dogs barked , that night  i dreamed of lying on my old school bed, , talking to the boys in my room and found myself sitting upright , with steerforths name upon my lips , looking wildly at the stars that were glistening and glimmering above me . when i remembered where i was at that untimely hour , a feeling stole upon me that made me get up , afraid of i dont know what , and walk about . but the fainter glimmering of the stars , and the pale light in the sky where the day was coming , reassured me and my eyes being very heavy , i lay down again and slept  with a knowledge in my sleep that it was cold  the warm beams of the sun , and the ringing of the getting up bell at salem house , awoke me . if i could have hoped that steerforth was there , i would have lurked about until he came out alone but i knew he must have left long since . traddles still remained , perhaps , but it was very doubtful and i had not sufficient confidence in his discretion or good luck , however strong my reliance was on his good nature , to wish to trust him with my situation . so i crept away from the wall as mr . creakles boys were getting up , and struck into the long dusty track which i had first known to be the dover road when i was one of them , and when i little expected that any eyes would ever see me the wayfarer i was now , upon it . what a different sunday morning from the old sunday morning at yarmouth . in due time i heard the church bells ringing , as i plodded on and i met people who were going to church and i passed a church or two where the congregation were inside , and the sound of singing came out into the sunshine , while the beadle sat and cooled himself in the shade of the porch , or stood beneath the yew tree, , with his hand to his forehead , glowering at me going by . but the peace and rest of the old sunday morning were on everything , except me . that was the difference . i felt quite wicked in my dirt and dust , with my tangled hair . but for the quiet picture i had conjured up , of my mother in her youth and beauty , weeping by the fire , and my aunt relenting to her , i hardly think i should have had the courage to go on until next day . but it always went before me , and i followed . i got , that sunday , through three and miles on the straight road , though not very easily , for i was new to that kind of toil . i see myself , as evening closes in , coming over the bridge at rochester , footsore and tired , and eating bread that i had bought for supper . one or two little houses , with the notice , lodgings for travellers , hanging out , had tempted me but i was afraid of spending the few pence i had , and was even more afraid of the vicious looks of the trampers i had met or overtaken . i sought no shelter , therefore , but the sky and toiling into chatham  , in that nights aspect , is a mere dream of chalk , and drawbridges , and mastless ships in a muddy river , roofed like noahs arks  , at last , upon a sort of grass grown battery overhanging a lane , where a sentry was walking to and fro . here i lay down , near a cannon and , happy in the society of the sentrys footsteps , though he knew no more of my being above him than the boys at salem house had known of my lying by the wall , slept soundly until morning . very stiff and sore of foot i was in the morning , and quite dazed by the beating of drums and marching of troops , which seemed to hem me in on every side when i went down towards the long narrow street . feeling that i could go but a very little way that day , if i were to reserve any strength for getting to my journeys end , i resolved to make the sale of my jacket its principal business . accordingly , i took the jacket off , that i might learn to do without it and carrying it under my arm , began a tour of inspection of the various slop shops . it was a likely place to sell a jacket in for the dealers in second hand clothes were numerous , and were , generally speaking , on the look out for customers at their shop doors . but as most of them had , hanging up among their stock , an officers coat or two , epaulettes and all , i was rendered timid by the costly nature of their dealings , and walked about for a long time without offering my merchandise to anyone . this modesty of mine directed my attention to the marine store shops , and such shops as mr . dollobys , in preference to the regular dealers . at last i found one that i thought looked promising , at the corner of a dirty lane , ending in an enclosure full of stinging nettles, , against the palings of which some second hand sailors clothes , that seemed to have overflowed the shop , were fluttering among some cots , and rusty guns , and oilskin hats , and certain trays full of so many old rusty keys of so many sizes that they seemed various enough to open all the doors in the world . into this shop , which was low and small , and which was darkened rather than lighted by a little window , overhung with clothes , and was descended into by some steps , i went with a palpitating heart which was not relieved when an ugly old man , with the lower part of his face all covered with a stubbly grey beard , rushed out of a dirty den behind it , and seized me by the hair of my head . he was a dreadful old man to look at , in a filthy flannel waistcoat , and smelling terribly of rum . his bedstead , covered with a tumbled and ragged piece of patchwork , was in the den he had come from , where another little window showed a prospect of more stinging nettles, , and a lame donkey . oh , what do you want . grinned this old man , in a fierce , monotonous whine . oh , my eyes and limbs , what do you want . oh , my lungs and liver , what do you want . oh , goroo , . i was so much dismayed by these words , and particularly by the repetition of the last unknown one , which was a kind of rattle in his throat , that i could make no answer hereupon the old man , still holding me by the hair , repeated oh , what do you want . oh , my eyes and limbs , what do you want . oh , my lungs and liver , what do you want . oh , goroo . he screwed out of himself , with an energy that made his eyes start in his head . i wanted to know , i said , trembling , if you would buy a jacket . oh , lets see the jacket . cried the old man . oh , my heart on fire , show the jacket to us . oh , my eyes and limbs , bring the jacket out . with that he took his trembling hands , which were like the claws of a great bird , out of my hair and put on a pair of spectacles , not at all ornamental to his inflamed eyes . oh , how much for the jacket . cried the old man , after examining it . oh  . much for the jacket . half a , i answered , recovering myself . oh , my lungs and liver , cried the old man , no . oh , my eyes , no . oh , my limbs , no . eighteenpence . goroo . every time he uttered this ejaculation , his eyes seemed to be in danger of starting out and every sentence he spoke , he delivered in a sort of tune , always exactly the same , and more like a gust of wind , which begins low , mounts up high , and falls again , than any other comparison i can find for it . well , said i , glad to have closed the bargain , ill take eighteenpence . oh , my liver . cried the old man , throwing the jacket on a shelf . get out of the shop . oh , my lungs , get out of the shop . oh , my eyes and limbs  . ask for money make it an exchange . i never was so frightened in my life , before or since but i told him humbly that i wanted money , and that nothing else was of any use to me , but that i would wait for it , as he desired , outside , and had no wish to hurry him . so i went outside , and sat down in the shade in a corner . and i sat there so many hours , that the shade became sunlight , and the sunlight became shade again , and still i sat there waiting for the money . there never was such another drunken madman in that line of business , i hope . that he was well known in the neighbourhood , and enjoyed the reputation of having sold himself to the devil , i soon understood from the visits he received from the boys , who continually came skirmishing about the shop , shouting that legend , and calling to him to bring out his gold . you aint poor , you know , charley , as you pretend . bring out your gold . bring out some of the gold you sold yourself to the devil for . come . its in the lining of the mattress , charley . rip it open and lets have some . this , and many offers to lend him a knife for the purpose , exasperated him to such a degree , that the whole day was a succession of rushes on his part , and flights on the part of the boys . sometimes in his rage he would take me for one of them , and come at me , mouthing as if he were going to tear me in pieces then , remembering me , just in time , would dive into the shop , and lie upon his bed , as i thought from the sound of his voice , yelling in a frantic way , to his own windy tune , the death of nelson with an oh . before every line , and innumerable goroos interspersed . as if this were not bad enough for me , the boys , connecting me with the establishment , on account of the patience and perseverance with which i sat outside , half dressed, , pelted me , and used me very ill all day . he made many attempts to induce me to consent to an exchange at one time coming out with a fishing rod, , at another with a fiddle , at another with a cocked hat , at another with a flute . but i resisted all these overtures , and sat there in desperation each time asking him , with tears in my eyes , for my money or my jacket . at last he began to pay me in halfpence at a time and was full two hours getting by easy stages to a shilling . oh , my eyes and limbs . he then cried , peeping hideously out of the shop , after a long pause , will you go for twopence more . i cant , i said i shall be starved . oh , my lungs and liver , will you go for threepence . i would go for nothing , if i could , i said , but i want the money badly . oh , go roo . it is really impossible to express how he twisted this ejaculation out of himself , as he peeped round the door post at me , showing nothing but his crafty old head will you go for fourpence . i was so faint and weary that i closed with this offer and taking the money out of his claw , not without trembling , went away more hungry and thirsty than i had ever been , a little before sunset . but at an expense of threepence i soon refreshed myself completely and , being in better spirits then , limped seven miles upon my road . my bed at night was under another haystack , where i rested comfortably , after having washed my blistered feet in a stream , and dressed them as well as i was able , with some cool leaves . when i took the road again next morning , i found that it lay through a succession of hop grounds and orchards . it was sufficiently late in the year for the orchards to be ruddy with ripe apples and in a few places the hop pickers were already at work . i thought it all extremely beautiful , and made up my mind to sleep among the hops that night imagining some cheerful companionship in the long perspectives of poles , with the graceful leaves twining round them . the trampers were worse than ever that day , and inspired me with a dread that is yet quite fresh in my mind . some of them were most ferocious looking ruffians , who stared at me as i went by and stopped , perhaps , and called after me to come back and speak to them , and when i took to my heels , stoned me . i recollect one young fellow  tinker , i suppose , from his wallet and brazier  had a woman with him , and who faced about and stared at me thus and then roared to me in such a tremendous voice to come back , that i halted and looked round . come here , when youre called , said the tinker , or ill rip your young body open . i thought it best to go back . as i drew nearer to them , trying to propitiate the tinker by my looks , i observed that the woman had a black eye . where are you going . said the tinker , gripping the bosom of my shirt with his blackened hand . i am going to dover , i said . where do you come from . asked the tinker , giving his hand another turn in my shirt , to hold me more securely . i come from london , i said . what lay are you upon . asked the tinker . are you a prig . n no, , i said . aint you , by g  . if you make a brag of your honesty to me , said the tinker , ill knock your brains out . with his disengaged hand he made a menace of striking me , and then looked at me from head to foot . have you got the price of a pint of beer about you . said the tinker . if you have , out with it , afore i take it away . i should certainly have produced it , but that i met the womans look , and saw her very slightly shake her head , and form no . with her lips . i am very poor , i said , attempting to smile , and have got no money . why , what do you mean . said the tinker , looking so sternly at me , that i almost feared he saw the money in my pocket . sir . i stammered . what do you mean , said the tinker , by wearing my brothers silk handkerchief . give it over here . and he had mine off my neck in a moment , and tossed it to the woman . the woman burst into a fit of laughter , as if she thought this a joke , and tossed it back to me , nodded once , as slightly as before , and made the word go . with her lips . before i could obey , however , the tinker seized the handkerchief out of my hand with a roughness that threw me away like a feather , and putting it loosely round his own neck , turned upon the woman with an oath , and knocked her down . i never shall forget seeing her fall backward on the hard road , and lie there with her bonnet tumbled off , and her hair all whitened in the dust nor , when i looked back from a distance , seeing her sitting on the pathway , which was a bank by the roadside , wiping the blood from her face with a corner of her shawl , while he went on ahead . this adventure frightened me so , that , afterwards , when i saw any of these people coming , i turned back until i could find a hiding place, , where i remained until they had gone out of sight which happened so often , that i was very seriously delayed . but under this difficulty , as under all the other difficulties of my journey , i seemed to be sustained and led on by my fanciful picture of my mother in her youth , before i came into the world . it always kept me company . it was there , among the hops , when i lay down to sleep it was with me on my waking in the morning it went before me all day . i have associated it , ever since , with the sunny street of canterbury , dozing as it were in the hot light and with the sight of its old houses and gateways , and the stately , grey cathedral , with the rooks sailing round the towers . when i came , at last , upon the bare , wide downs near dover , it relieved the solitary aspect of the scene with hope and not until i reached that first great aim of my journey , and actually set foot in the town itself , on the sixth day of my flight , did it desert me . but then , strange to say , when i stood with my ragged shoes , and my dusty , sunburnt , half clothed figure , in the place so long desired , it seemed to vanish like a dream , and to leave me helpless and dispirited . i inquired about my aunt among the boatmen first , and received various answers . one said she lived in the south foreland light , and had singed her whiskers by doing so another , that she was made fast to the great buoy outside the harbour , and could only be visited at half tide a third , that she was locked up in maidstone jail for child stealing a fourth , that she was seen to mount a broom in the last high wind , and make direct for calais . the fly drivers, , among whom i inquired next , were equally jocose and equally disrespectful and the shopkeepers , not liking my appearance , generally replied , without hearing what i had to say , that they had got nothing for me . i felt more miserable and destitute than i had done at any period of my running away . my money was all gone , i had nothing left to dispose of i was hungry , thirsty , and worn out and seemed as distant from my end as if i had remained in london . the morning had worn away in these inquiries , and i was sitting on the step of an empty shop at a street corner , near the market place, , deliberating upon wandering towards those other places which had been mentioned , when a fly driver, , coming by with his carriage , dropped a horsecloth . something good natured in the mans face , as i handed it up , encouraged me to ask him if he could tell me where miss trotwood lived though i had asked the question so often , that it almost died upon my lips . trotwood , said he . let me see . i know the name , too . old lady . yes , i said , rather . pretty stiff in the back . said he , making himself upright . yes , i said . i should think it very likely . carries a bag . said he  with a good deal of room in it  gruffish , and comes down upon you , sharp . my heart sank within me as i acknowledged the undoubted accuracy of this description . why then , i tell you what , said he . if you go up there , pointing with his whip towards the heights , and keep right on till you come to some houses facing the sea , i think youll hear of her . my opinion is she wont stand anything , so heres a penny for you . i accepted the gift thankfully , and bought a loaf with it . dispatching this refreshment by the way , i went in the direction my friend had indicated , and walked on a good distance without coming to the houses he had mentioned . at length i saw some before me and approaching them , went into a little shop it was what we used to call a general shop , at home , and inquired if they could have the goodness to tell me where miss trotwood lived . i addressed myself to a man behind the counter , who was weighing some rice for a young woman but the latter , taking the inquiry to herself , turned round quickly . my mistress . she said . what do you want with her , boy . i want , i replied , to speak to her , if you please . to beg of her , you mean , retorted the damsel . no , i said , indeed . but suddenly remembering that in truth i came for no other purpose , i held my peace in confusion , and felt my face burn . my aunts handmaid , as i supposed she was from what she had said , put her rice in a little basket and walked out of the shop telling me that i could follow her , if i wanted to know where miss trotwood lived . i needed no second permission though i was by this time in such a state of consternation and agitation , that my legs shook under me . i followed the young woman , and we soon came to a very neat little cottage with cheerful bow windows in front of it , a small square gravelled court or garden full of flowers , carefully tended , and smelling deliciously . this is miss trotwoods , said the young woman . now you know and thats all i have got to say . with which words she hurried into the house , as if to shake off the responsibility of my appearance and left me standing at the garden gate, , looking disconsolately over the top of it towards the parlour window , where a muslin curtain partly undrawn in the middle , a large round green screen or fan fastened on to the windowsill , a small table , and a great chair , suggested to me that my aunt might be at that moment seated in awful state . my shoes were by this time in a woeful condition . the soles had shed themselves bit by bit , and the upper leathers had broken and burst until the very shape and form of shoes had departed from them . my hat which had served me for a night cap, , too was so crushed and bent , that no old battered handleless saucepan on a dunghill need have been ashamed to vie with it . my shirt and trousers , stained with heat , dew , grass , and the kentish soil on which i had slept  torn besides  have frightened the birds from my aunts garden , as i stood at the gate . my hair had known no comb or brush since i left london . my face , neck , and hands , from unaccustomed exposure to the air and sun , were burnt to a berry brown . from head to foot i was powdered almost as white with chalk and dust , as if i had come out of a lime kiln . in this plight , and with a strong consciousness of it , i waited to introduce myself to , and make my first impression on , my formidable aunt . the unbroken stillness of the parlour window leading me to infer , after a while , that she was not there , i lifted up my eyes to the window above it , where i saw a florid , pleasant looking gentleman , with a grey head , who shut up one eye in a grotesque manner , nodded his head at me several times , shook it at me as often , laughed , and went away . i had been discomposed enough before but i was so much the more discomposed by this unexpected behaviour , that i was on the point of slinking off , to think how i had best proceed , when there came out of the house a lady with her handkerchief tied over her cap , and a pair of gardening gloves on her hands , wearing a gardening pocket like a toll mans apron , and carrying a great knife . i knew her immediately to be miss betsey , for she came stalking out of the house exactly as my poor mother had so often described her stalking up our garden at blunderstone rookery . go away . said miss betsey , shaking her head , and making a distant chop in the air with her knife . go along . no boys here . i watched her , with my heart at my lips , as she marched to a corner of her garden , and stooped to dig up some little root there . then , without a scrap of courage , but with a great deal of desperation , i went softly in and stood beside her , touching her with my finger . if you please , maam , i began . she started and looked up . if you please , aunt . eh . exclaimed miss betsey , in a tone of amazement i have never heard approached . if you please , aunt , i am your nephew . oh , lord . said my aunt . and sat flat down in the garden path . i am david copperfield , of blunderstone , in suffolk  you came , on the night when i was born , and saw my dear mama . i have been very unhappy since she died . i have been slighted , and taught nothing , and thrown upon myself , and put to work not fit for me . it made me run away to you . i was robbed at first setting out , and have walked all the way , and have never slept in a bed since i began the journey . here my self support gave way all at once and with a movement of my hands , intended to show her my ragged state , and call it to witness that i had suffered something , i broke into a passion of crying , which i suppose had been pent up within me all the week . my aunt , with every sort of expression but wonder discharged from her countenance , sat on the gravel , staring at me , until i began to cry when she got up in a great hurry , collared me , and took me into the parlour . her first proceeding there was to unlock a tall press , bring out several bottles , and pour some of the contents of each into my mouth . i think they must have been taken out at random , for i am sure i tasted aniseed water , anchovy sauce , and salad dressing . when she had administered these restoratives , as i was still quite hysterical , and unable to control my sobs , she put me on the sofa , with a shawl under my head , and the handkerchief from her own head under my feet , lest i should sully the cover and then , sitting herself down behind the green fan or screen i have already mentioned , so that i could not see her face , ejaculated at intervals , mercy on us . letting those exclamations off like minute guns . after a time she rang the bell . janet , said my aunt , when her servant came in . go upstairs , give my compliments to mr . dick , and say i wish to speak to him . janet looked a little surprised to see me lying stiffly on the sofa i was afraid to move lest it should be displeasing to my aunt , but went on her errand . my aunt , with her hands behind her , walked up and down the room , until the gentleman who had squinted at me from the upper window came in laughing . mr . dick , said my aunt , dont be a fool , because nobody can be more discreet than you can , when you choose . we all know that . so dont be a fool , whatever you are . the gentleman was serious immediately , and looked at me , i thought , as if he would entreat me to say nothing about the window . mr . dick , said my aunt , you have heard me mention david copperfield . now dont pretend not to have a memory , because you and i know better . david copperfield . said mr . dick , who did not appear to me to remember much about it . david copperfield . oh yes , to be sure . david , certainly . well , said my aunt , this is his boy  son . he would be as like his father as its possible to be , if he was not so like his mother , too . his son . said mr . dick . davids son . indeed . yes , pursued my aunt , and he has done a pretty piece of business . he has run away . ah . his sister , betsey trotwood , never would have run away . my aunt shook her head firmly , confident in the character and behaviour of the girl who never was born . oh . you think she wouldnt have run away . said mr . dick . bless and save the man , exclaimed my aunt , sharply , how he talks . dont i know she wouldnt . she would have lived with her god mother, , and we should have been devoted to one another . where , in the name of wonder , should his sister , betsey trotwood , have run from , or to . nowhere , said mr . dick . well then , returned my aunt , softened by the reply , how can you pretend to be wool gathering, , dick , when you are as sharp as a surgeons lancet . now , here you see young david copperfield , and the question i put to you is , what shall i do with him . what shall you do with him . said mr . dick , feebly , scratching his head . oh . do with him . yes , said my aunt , with a grave look , and her forefinger held up . come . i want some very sound advice . why , if i was you , said mr . dick , considering , and looking vacantly at me , i should  the contemplation of me seemed to inspire him with a sudden idea , and he added , briskly , i should wash him . janet , said my aunt , turning round with a quiet triumph , which i did not then understand , mr . dick sets us all right . heat the bath . although i was deeply interested in this dialogue , i could not help observing my aunt , mr . dick , and janet , while it was in progress , and completing a survey i had already been engaged in making of the room . my aunt was a tall , hard featured lady , but by no means ill looking . there was an inflexibility in her face , in her voice , in her gait and carriage , amply sufficient to account for the effect she had made upon a gentle creature like my mother but her features were rather handsome than otherwise , though unbending and austere . i particularly noticed that she had a very quick , bright eye . her hair , which was grey , was arranged in two plain divisions , under what i believe would be called a mob cap i mean a cap , much more common then than now , with side pieces fastening under the chin . her dress was of a lavender colour , and perfectly neat but scantily made , as if she desired to be as little encumbered as possible . i remember that i thought it , in form , more like a riding habit with the superfluous skirt cut off , than anything else . she wore at her side a gentlemans gold watch , if i might judge from its size and make , with an appropriate chain and seals she had some linen at her throat not unlike a shirt collar, , and things at her wrists like little shirt wristbands . mr . dick , as i have already said , was grey headed, , and florid i should have said all about him , in saying so , had not his head been curiously bowed  by age it reminded me of one of mr . creakles boys heads after a beating  his grey eyes prominent and large , with a strange kind of watery brightness in them that made me , in combination with his vacant manner , his submission to my aunt , and his childish delight when she praised him , suspect him of being a little mad though , if he were mad , how he came to be there puzzled me extremely . he was dressed like any other ordinary gentleman , in a loose grey morning coat and waistcoat , and white trousers and had his watch in his fob , and his money in his pockets which he rattled as if he were very proud of it . janet was a pretty blooming girl , of about nineteen or twenty , and a perfect picture of neatness . though i made no further observation of her at the moment , i may mention here what i did not discover until afterwards , namely , that she was one of a series of protegees whom my aunt had taken into her service expressly to educate in a renouncement of mankind , and who had generally completed their abjuration by marrying the baker . the room was as neat as janet or my aunt . as i laid down my pen , a moment since , to think of it , the air from the sea came blowing in again , mixed with the perfume of the flowers and i saw the old fashioned furniture brightly rubbed and polished , my aunts inviolable chair and table by the round green fan in the bow window, , the drugget covered carpet , the cat , the kettle holder, , the two canaries , the old china , the punchbowl full of dried rose leaves, , the tall press guarding all sorts of bottles and pots , and , wonderfully out of keeping with the rest , my dusty self upon the sofa , taking note of everything . janet had gone away to get the bath ready , when my aunt , to my great alarm , became in one moment rigid with indignation , and had hardly voice to cry out , janet . donkeys . upon which , janet came running up the stairs as if the house were in flames , darted out on a little piece of green in front , and warned off two saddle donkeys, , lady ridden, , that had presumed to set hoof upon it while my aunt , rushing out of the house , seized the bridle of a third animal laden with a bestriding child , turned him , led him forth from those sacred precincts , and boxed the ears of the unlucky urchin in attendance who had dared to profane that hallowed ground . to this hour i dont know whether my aunt had any lawful right of way over that patch of green but she had settled it in her own mind that she had , and it was all the same to her . the one great outrage of her life , demanding to be constantly avenged , was the passage of a donkey over that immaculate spot . in whatever occupation she was engaged , however interesting to her the conversation in which she was taking part , a donkey turned the current of her ideas in a moment , and she was upon him straight . jugs of water , and watering pots, , were kept in secret places ready to be discharged on the offending boys sticks were laid in ambush behind the door sallies were made at all hours and incessant war prevailed . perhaps this was an agreeable excitement to the donkey boys or perhaps the more sagacious of the donkeys , understanding how the case stood , delighted with constitutional obstinacy in coming that way . i only know that there were three alarms before the bath was ready and that on the occasion of the last and most desperate of all , i saw my aunt engage , single handed, , with a sandy headed lad of fifteen , and bump his sandy head against her own gate , before he seemed to comprehend what was the matter . these interruptions were of the more ridiculous to me , because she was giving me broth out of a table spoon at the time having firmly persuaded herself that i was actually starving , and must receive nourishment at first in very small quantities , and , while my mouth was yet open to receive the spoon , she would put it back into the basin , cry janet . donkeys . and go out to the assault . the bath was a great comfort . for i began to be sensible of acute pains in my limbs from lying out in the fields , and was now so tired and low that i could hardly keep myself awake for five minutes together . when i had bathed , they enrobed me in a shirt and a pair of trousers belonging to mr . dick , and tied me up in two or three great shawls . what sort of bundle i looked like , i dont know , but i felt a very hot one . feeling also very faint and drowsy , i soon lay down on the sofa again and fell asleep . it might have been a dream , originating in the fancy which had occupied my mind so long , but i awoke with the impression that my aunt had come and bent over me , and had put my hair away from my face , and laid my head more comfortably , and had then stood looking at me . the words , pretty fellow , or poor fellow , seemed to be in my ears , too but certainly there was nothing else , when i awoke , to lead me to believe that they had been uttered by my aunt , who sat in the bow window gazing at the sea from behind the green fan , which was mounted on a kind of swivel , and turned any way . we dined soon after i awoke , off a roast fowl and a pudding i sitting at table , not unlike a trussed bird myself , and moving my arms with considerable difficulty . but as my aunt had swathed me up , i made no complaint of being inconvenienced . all this time i was deeply anxious to know what she was going to do with me but she took her dinner in profound silence , except when she occasionally fixed her eyes on me sitting opposite , and said , mercy upon us . which did not by any means relieve my anxiety . the cloth being drawn , and some sherry put upon the table of which i had a glass , my aunt sent up for mr . dick again , who joined us , and looked as wise as he could when she requested him to attend to my story , which she elicited from me , gradually , by a course of questions . during my recital , she kept her eyes on mr . dick , who i thought would have gone to sleep but for that , and who , whensoever he lapsed into a smile , was checked by a frown from my aunt . whatever possessed that poor unfortunate baby , that she must go and be married again , said my aunt , when i had finished , i cant conceive . perhaps she fell in love with her second husband , mr . dick suggested . fell in love . repeated my aunt . what do you mean . what business had she to do it . perhaps , mr . dick simpered , after thinking a little , she did it for pleasure . pleasure , indeed . replied my aunt . a mighty pleasure for the poor baby to fix her simple faith upon any dog of a fellow , certain to ill use her in some way or other . what did she propose to herself , i should like to know . she had one husband . she had seen david copperfield out of the world , who was always running after wax dolls from his cradle . she had got a baby  , there were a pair of babies when she gave birth to this child sitting here , that friday night . what more did she want . mr . dick secretly shook his head at me , as if he thought there was no getting over this . she couldnt even have a baby like anybody else , said my aunt . where was this childs sister , betsey trotwood . not forthcoming . dont tell me . mr . dick seemed quite frightened . that little man of a doctor , with his head on one side , said my aunt , jellips , or whatever his name was , what was he about . all he could do , was to say to me , like a robin redbreast  he is  a boy . a boy . yah , the imbecility of the whole set of em . the heartiness of the ejaculation startled mr . dick exceedingly and me , too , if i am to tell the truth . and then , as if this was not enough , and she had not stood sufficiently in the light of this childs sister , betsey trotwood , said my aunt , she marries a second time  and marries a murderer  a man with a name like it  stands in this childs light . and the natural consequence is , as anybody but a baby might have foreseen , that he prowls and wanders . hes as like cain before he was grown up , as he can be . mr . dick looked hard at me , as if to identify me in this character . and then theres that woman with the pagan name , said my aunt , that peggotty , she goes and gets married next . because she has not seen enough of the evil attending such things , she goes and gets married next , as the child relates . i only hope , said my aunt , shaking her head , that her husband is one of those poker husbands who abound in the newspapers , and will beat her well with one . i could not bear to hear my old nurse so decried , and made the subject of such a wish . i told my aunt that indeed she was mistaken . that peggotty was the best , the truest , the most faithful , most devoted , and most self denying friend and servant in the world who had ever loved me dearly , who had ever loved my mother dearly who had held my mothers dying head upon her arm , on whose face my mother had imprinted her last grateful kiss . and my remembrance of them both , choking me , i broke down as i was trying to say that her home was my home , and that all she had was mine , and that i would have gone to her for shelter , but for her humble station , which made me fear that i might bring some trouble on her  broke down , i say , as i was trying to say so , and laid my face in my hands upon the table . well , . said my aunt , the child is right to stand by those who have stood by him  . donkeys . i thoroughly believe that but for those unfortunate donkeys , we should have come to a good understanding for my aunt had laid her hand on my shoulder , and the impulse was upon me , thus emboldened , to embrace her and beseech her protection . but the interruption , and the disorder she was thrown into by the struggle outside , put an end to all softer ideas for the present , and kept my aunt indignantly declaiming to mr . dick about her determination to appeal for redress to the laws of her country , and to bring actions for trespass against the whole donkey proprietorship of dover , until tea time . after tea , we sat at the window  the look out, , as i imagined , from my aunts sharp expression of face , for more invaders  dusk , when janet set candles , and a backgammon board, , on the table , and pulled down the blinds . now , mr . dick , said my aunt , with her grave look , and her forefinger up as before , i am going to ask you another question . look at this child . davids son . said mr . dick , with an attentive , puzzled face . exactly so , returned my aunt . what would you do with him , now . do with davids son . said mr . dick . ay , replied my aunt , with davids son . oh . said mr . dick . yes . do with  should put him to bed . janet . cried my aunt , with the same complacent triumph that i had remarked before . mr . dick sets us all right . if the bed is ready , well take him up to it . janet reporting it to be quite ready , i was taken up to it kindly , but in some sort like a prisoner my aunt going in front and janet bringing up the rear . the only circumstance which gave me any new hope , was my aunts stopping on the stairs to inquire about a smell of fire that was prevalent there and janets replying that she had been making tinder down in the kitchen , of my old shirt . but there were no other clothes in my room than the odd heap of things i wore and when i was left there , with a little taper which my aunt forewarned me would burn exactly five minutes , i heard them lock my door on the outside . turning these things over in my mind i deemed it possible that my aunt , who could know nothing of me , might suspect i had a habit of running away , and took precautions , on that account , to have me in safe keeping . the room was a pleasant one , at the top of the house , overlooking the sea , on which the moon was shining brilliantly . after i had said my prayers , and the candle had burnt out , i remember how i still sat looking at the moonlight on the water , as if i could hope to read my fortune in it , as in a bright book or to see my mother with her child , coming from heaven , along that shining path , to look upon me as she had looked when i last saw her sweet face . i remember how the solemn feeling with which at length i turned my eyes away , yielded to the sensation of gratitude and rest which the sight of the white curtained bed  how much more the lying softly down upon it , nestling in the snow white sheets .  . i remember how i thought of all the solitary places under the night sky where i had slept , and how i prayed that i never might be houseless any more , and never might forget the houseless . i remember how i seemed to float , then , down the melancholy glory of that track upon the sea , away into the world of dreams . chapter . my aunt makes up her mind about me on going down in the morning , i found my aunt musing so profoundly over the breakfast table , with her elbow on the tray , that the contents of the urn had overflowed the teapot and were laying the whole table cloth under water , when my entrance put her meditations to flight . i felt sure that i had been the subject of her reflections , and was more than ever anxious to know her intentions towards me . yet i dared not express my anxiety , lest it should give her offence . my eyes , however , not being so much under control as my tongue , were attracted towards my aunt very often during breakfast . i never could look at her for a few moments together but i found her looking at me  an odd thoughtful manner , as if i were an immense way off , instead of being on the other side of the small round table . when she had finished her breakfast , my aunt very deliberately leaned back in her chair , knitted her brows , folded her arms , and contemplated me at her leisure , with such a fixedness of attention that i was quite overpowered by embarrassment . not having as yet finished my own breakfast , i attempted to hide my confusion by proceeding with it but my knife tumbled over my fork , my fork tripped up my knife , i chipped bits of bacon a surprising height into the air instead of cutting them for my own eating , and choked myself with my tea , which persisted in going the wrong way instead of the right one , until i gave in altogether , and sat blushing under my aunts close scrutiny . hallo . said my aunt , after a long time . i looked up , and met her sharp bright glance respectfully . i have written to him , said my aunt . to  . to your father in , said my aunt . i have sent him a letter that ill trouble him to attend to , or he and i will fall out , i can tell him . does he know where i am , aunt . i inquired , alarmed . i have told him , said my aunt , with a nod . shall i  up to him . i faltered . i dont know , said my aunt . we shall see . oh . i cant think what i shall do , i exclaimed , if i have to go back to mr . murdstone . i dont know anything about it , said my aunt , shaking her head . i cant say , i am sure . we shall see . my spirits sank under these words , and i became very downcast and heavy of heart . my aunt , without appearing to take much heed of me , put on a coarse apron with a bib , which she took out of the press washed up the teacups with her own hands and , when everything was washed and set in the tray again , and the cloth folded and put on the top of the whole , rang for janet to remove it . she next swept up the crumbs with a little broom until there did not appear to be one microscopic speck left on the carpet next dusted and arranged the room , which was dusted and arranged to a hairs breadth already . when all these tasks were performed to her satisfaction , she took off the gloves and apron , folded them up , put them in the particular corner of the press from which they had been taken , brought out her work box to her own table in the open window , and sat down , with the green fan between her and the light , to work . i wish youd go upstairs , said my aunt , as she threaded her needle , and give my compliments to mr . dick , and ill be glad to know how he gets on with his memorial . i rose with all alacrity , to acquit myself of this commission . i suppose , said my aunt , eyeing me as narrowly as she had eyed the needle in threading it , you think mr . dick a short name , eh . i thought it was rather a short name , yesterday , i confessed . you are not to suppose that he hasnt got a longer name , if he chose to use it , said my aunt , with a loftier air . babley  . richard babley  the gentlemans true name . i was going to suggest , with a modest sense of my youth and the familiarity i had been already guilty of , that i had better give him the full benefit of that name , when my aunt went on to say but dont you call him by it , whatever you do . he cant bear his name . thats a peculiarity of his . though i dont know that its much of a peculiarity , either for he has been ill used enough , by some that bear it , to have a mortal antipathy for it , heaven knows . mr . dick is his name here , and everywhere else , now  he ever went anywhere else , which he dont . so take care , child , you dont call him anything but mr . dick . i promised to obey , and went upstairs with my message thinking , as i went , that if mr . dick had been working at his memorial long , at the same rate as i had seen him working at it , through the open door , when i came down , he was probably getting on very well indeed . i found him still driving at it with a long pen , and his head almost laid upon the paper . he was so intent upon it , that i had ample leisure to observe the large paper kite in a corner , the confusion of bundles of manuscript , the number of pens , and , above all , the quantity of ink which he seemed to have in , half gallon jars by the dozen , before he observed my being present . ha . phoebus . said mr . dick , laying down his pen . how does the world go . ill tell you what , he added , in a lower tone , i shouldnt wish it to be mentioned , but its a  here he beckoned to me , and put his lips close to my ear  a mad world . mad as bedlam , boy . said mr . dick , taking snuff from a round box on the table , and laughing heartily . without presuming to give my opinion on this question , i delivered my message . well , said mr . dick , in answer , my compliments to her , and i  believe i have made a start . i think i have made a start , said mr . dick , passing his hand among his grey hair , and casting anything but a confident look at his manuscript . you have been to school . yes , sir , i answered for a short time . do you recollect the date , said mr . dick , looking earnestly at me , and taking up his pen to note it down , when king charles the first had his head cut off . i said i believed it happened in the year sixteen hundred and forty nine . well , returned mr . dick , scratching his ear with his pen , and looking dubiously at me . so the books say but i dont see how that can be . because , if it was so long ago , how could the people about him have made that mistake of putting some of the trouble out of his head , after it was taken off , into mine . i was very much surprised by the inquiry but could give no information on this point . its very strange , said mr . dick , with a despondent look upon his papers , and with his hand among his hair again , that i never can get that quite right . i never can make that perfectly clear . but no matter , no matter . he said cheerfully , and rousing himself , theres time enough . my compliments to miss trotwood , i am getting on very well indeed . i was going away , when he directed my attention to the kite . what do you think of that for a kite . he said . i answered that it was a beautiful one . i should think it must have been as much as seven feet high . i made it . well go and fly it , you and i , said mr . dick . do you see this . he showed me that it was covered with manuscript , very closely and laboriously written but so plainly , that as i looked along the lines , i thought i saw some allusion to king charles the firsts head again , in one or two places . theres plenty of string , said mr . dick , and when it flies high , it takes the facts a long way . thats my manner of diffusing em . i dont know where they may come down . its according to circumstances , and the wind , and so forth but i take my chance of that . his face was so very mild and pleasant , and had something so reverend in it , though it was hale and hearty , that i was not sure but that he was having a good humoured jest with me . so i laughed , and he laughed , and we parted the best friends possible . well , child , said my aunt , when i went downstairs . and what of mr . dick , this morning . i informed her that he sent his compliments , and was getting on very well indeed . what do you think of him . said my aunt . i had some shadowy idea of endeavouring to evade the question , by replying that i thought him a very nice gentleman but my aunt was not to be so put off , for she laid her work down in her lap , and said , folding her hands upon it come . your sister betsey trotwood would have told me what she thought of anyone , directly . be as like your sister as you can , and speak out . is he  mr . dick  ask because i dont know , aunt  he at all out of his mind , then . i stammered for i felt i was on dangerous ground . not a morsel , said my aunt . oh , indeed . i observed faintly . if there is anything in the world , said my aunt , with great decision and force of manner , that mr . dick is not , its that . i had nothing better to offer , than another timid , oh , indeed . he has been called mad , said my aunt . i have a selfish pleasure in saying he has been called mad , or i should not have had the benefit of his society and advice for these last ten years and upwards  fact , ever since your sister , betsey trotwood , disappointed me . so long as that . i said . and nice people they were , who had the audacity to call him mad , pursued my aunt . mr . dick is a sort of distant connexion of mine  doesnt matter how i neednt enter into that . if it hadnt been for me , his own brother would have shut him up for life . thats all . i am afraid it was hypocritical in me , but seeing that my aunt felt strongly on the subject , i tried to look as if i felt strongly too . a proud fool . said my aunt . because his brother was a little eccentric  he is not half so eccentric as a good many people  didnt like to have him visible about his house , and sent him away to some private asylum place though he had been left to his particular care by their deceased father , who thought him almost a natural . and a wise man he must have been to think so . mad himself , no doubt . again , as my aunt looked quite convinced , i endeavoured to look quite convinced also . so i stepped in , said my aunt , and made him an offer . i said , your brothers sane  great deal more sane than you are , or ever will be , it is to be hoped . let him have his little income , and come and live with me . i am not afraid of him , i am not proud , i am ready to take care of him , and shall not ill treat him as some people besides the asylum folks have done . after a good deal of squabbling , said my aunt , i got him and he has been here ever since . he is the most friendly and amenable creature in existence and as for advice . nobody knows what that mans mind is , except myself . my aunt smoothed her dress and shook her head , as if she smoothed defiance of the whole world out of the one , and shook it out of the other . he had a favourite sister , said my aunt , a good creature , and very kind to him . but she did what they all do  a husband . and he did what they all do  her wretched . it had such an effect upon the mind of mr . dick that , combined with his fear of his brother , and his sense of his unkindness , it threw him into a fever . that was before he came to me , but the recollection of it is oppressive to him even now . did he say anything to you about king charles the first , child . yes , aunt . ah . said my aunt , rubbing her nose as if she were a little vexed . thats his allegorical way of expressing it . he connects his illness with great disturbance and agitation , naturally , and thats the figure , or the simile , or whatever its called , which he chooses to use . and why shouldnt he , if he thinks proper . i said certainly , aunt . its not a business like way of speaking , said my aunt , nor a worldly way . i am aware of that and thats the reason why i insist upon it , that there shant be a word about it in his memorial . is it a memorial about his own history that he is writing , aunt . yes , child , said my aunt , rubbing her nose again . he is memorializing the lord chancellor , or the lord somebody or other  of those people , at all events , who are paid to be memorialized  his affairs . i suppose it will go in , one of these days . he hasnt been able to draw it up yet , without introducing that mode of expressing himself but it dont signify it keeps him employed . in fact , i found out afterwards that mr . dick had been for upwards of ten years endeavouring to keep king charles the first out of the memorial but he had been constantly getting into it , and was there now . i say again , said my aunt , nobody knows what that mans mind is except myself and hes the most amenable and friendly creature in existence . if he likes to fly a kite sometimes , what of that . franklin used to fly a kite . he was a quaker , or something of that sort , if i am not mistaken . and a quaker flying a kite is a much more ridiculous object than anybody else . if i could have supposed that my aunt had recounted these particulars for my especial behoof , and as a piece of confidence in me , i should have felt very much distinguished , and should have augured favourably from such a mark of her good opinion . but i could hardly help observing that she had launched into them , chiefly because the question was raised in her own mind , and with very little reference to me , though she had addressed herself to me in the absence of anybody else . at the same time , i must say that the generosity of her championship of poor harmless mr . dick , not only inspired my young breast with some selfish hope for myself , but warmed it unselfishly towards her . i believe that i began to know that there was something about my aunt , notwithstanding her many eccentricities and odd humours , to be honoured and trusted in . though she was just as sharp that day as on the day before , and was in and out about the donkeys just as often , and was thrown into a tremendous state of indignation , when a young man , going by , ogled janet at a window which was one of the gravest misdemeanours that could be committed against my aunts dignity , she seemed to me to command more of my respect , if not less of my fear . the anxiety i underwent , in the interval which necessarily elapsed before a reply could be received to her letter to mr . murdstone , was extreme but i made an endeavour to suppress it , and to be as agreeable as i could in a quiet way , both to my aunt and mr . dick . the latter and i would have gone out to fly the great kite but that i had still no other clothes than the anything but ornamental garments with which i had been decorated on the first day , and which confined me to the house , except for an hour after dark , when my aunt , for my healths sake , paraded me up and down on the cliff outside , before going to bed . at length the reply from mr . murdstone came , and my aunt informed me , to my infinite terror , that he was coming to speak to her herself on the next day . on the next day , still bundled up in my curious habiliments , i sat counting the time , flushed and heated by the conflict of sinking hopes and rising fears within me and waiting to be startled by the sight of the gloomy face , whose non arrival startled me every minute . my aunt was a little more imperious and stern than usual , but i observed no other token of her preparing herself to receive the visitor so much dreaded by me . she sat at work in the window , and i sat by , with my thoughts running astray on all possible and impossible results of mr . murdstones visit , until pretty late in the afternoon . our dinner had been indefinitely postponed but it was growing so late , that my aunt had ordered it to be got ready , when she gave a sudden alarm of donkeys , and to my consternation and amazement , i beheld miss murdstone , on a side saddle, , ride deliberately over the sacred piece of green , and stop in front of the house , looking about her . go along with you . cried my aunt , shaking her head and her fist at the window . you have no business there . how dare you trespass . go along . oh . you bold faced thing . my aunt was so exasperated by the coolness with which miss murdstone looked about her , that i really believe she was motionless , and unable for the moment to dart out according to custom . i seized the opportunity to inform her who it was and that the gentleman now coming near the offender was mr . murdstone himself . i dont care who it is . cried my aunt , still shaking her head and gesticulating anything but welcome from the bow window . i wont be trespassed upon . i wont allow it . go away . janet , turn him round . lead him off . and i saw , from behind my aunt , a sort of hurried battle piece, , in which the donkey stood resisting everybody , with all his four legs planted different ways , while janet tried to pull him round by the bridle , mr . murdstone tried to lead him on , miss murdstone struck at janet with a parasol , and several boys , who had come to see the engagement , shouted vigorously . but my aunt , suddenly descrying among them the young malefactor who was the donkeys guardian , and who was one of the most inveterate offenders against her , though hardly in his teens , rushed out to the scene of action , pounced upon him , captured him , dragged him , with his jacket over his head , and his heels grinding the ground , into the garden , and , calling upon janet to fetch the constables and justices , that he might be taken , tried , and executed on the spot , held him at bay there . this part of the business , however , did not last long for the young rascal , being expert at a variety of feints and dodges , of which my aunt had no conception , soon went whooping away , leaving some deep impressions of his nailed boots in the flower beds, , and taking his donkey in triumph with him . miss murdstone , during the latter portion of the contest , had dismounted , and was now waiting with her brother at the bottom of the steps , until my aunt should be at leisure to receive them . my aunt , a little ruffled by the combat , marched past them into the house , with great dignity , and took no notice of their presence , until they were announced by janet . shall i go away , aunt . i asked , trembling . no , sir , said my aunt . certainly not . with which she pushed me into a corner near her , and fenced me in with a chair , as if it were a prison or a bar of justice . this position i continued to occupy during the whole interview , and from it i now saw mr . and miss murdstone enter the room . oh . said my aunt , i was not aware at first to whom i had the pleasure of objecting . but i dont allow anybody to ride over that turf . i make no exceptions . i dont allow anybody to do it . your regulation is rather awkward to strangers , said miss murdstone . is it . said my aunt . mr . murdstone seemed afraid of a renewal of hostilities , and interposing began miss trotwood . i beg your pardon , observed my aunt with a keen look . you are the mr . murdstone who married the widow of my late nephew , david copperfield , of blunderstone rookery . why rookery , i dont know . i am , said mr . murdstone . youll excuse my saying , sir , returned my aunt , that i think it would have been a much better and happier thing if you had left that poor child alone . i so far agree with what miss trotwood has remarked , observed miss murdstone , bridling , that i consider our lamented clara to have been , in all essential respects , a mere child . it is a comfort to you and me , maam , said my aunt , who are getting on in life , and are not likely to be made unhappy by our personal attractions , that nobody can say the same of us . no doubt . returned miss murdstone , though , i thought , not with a very ready or gracious assent . and it certainly might have been , as you say , a better and happier thing for my brother if he had never entered into such a marriage . i have always been of that opinion . i have no doubt you have , said my aunt . janet , ringing the bell , my compliments to mr . dick , and beg him to come down . until he came , my aunt sat perfectly upright and stiff , frowning at the wall . when he came , my aunt performed the ceremony of introduction . mr . dick . an old and intimate friend . on whose judgement , said my aunt , with emphasis , as an admonition to mr . dick , who was biting his forefinger and looking rather foolish , i rely . mr . dick took his finger out of his mouth , on this hint , and stood among the group , with a grave and attentive expression of face . my aunt inclined her head to mr . murdstone , who went on miss trotwood on the receipt of your letter , i considered it an act of greater justice to myself , and perhaps of more respect to you  thank you , said my aunt , still eyeing him keenly . you neednt mind me . to answer it in person , however inconvenient the journey , pursued mr . murdstone , rather than by letter . this unhappy boy who has run away from his friends and his occupation  and whose appearance , interposed his sister , directing general attention to me in my indefinable costume , is perfectly scandalous and disgraceful . jane murdstone , said her brother , have the goodness not to interrupt me . this unhappy boy , miss trotwood , has been the occasion of much domestic trouble and uneasiness both during the lifetime of my late dear wife , and since . he has a sullen , rebellious spirit a violent temper and an untoward , intractable disposition . both my sister and myself have endeavoured to correct his vices , but ineffectually . and i have felt  both have felt , i may say my sister being fully in my confidence  it is right you should receive this grave and dispassionate assurance from our lips . it can hardly be necessary for me to confirm anything stated by my brother , said miss murdstone but i beg to observe , that , of all the boys in the world , i believe this is the worst boy . strong . said my aunt , shortly . but not at all too strong for the facts , returned miss murdstone . ha . said my aunt . well , sir . i have my own opinions , resumed mr . murdstone , whose face darkened more and more , the more he and my aunt observed each other , which they did very narrowly , as to the best mode of bringing him up they are founded , in part , on my knowledge of him , and in part on my knowledge of my own means and resources . i am responsible for them to myself , i act upon them , and i say no more about them . it is enough that i place this boy under the eye of a friend of my own , in a respectable business that it does not please him that he runs away from it makes himself a common vagabond about the country and comes here , in rags , to appeal to you , miss trotwood . i wish to set before you , honourably , the exact consequences  far as they are within my knowledge  your abetting him in this appeal . but about the respectable business first , said my aunt . if he had been your own boy , you would have put him to it , just the same , i suppose . if he had been my brothers own boy , returned miss murdstone , striking in , his character , i trust , would have been altogether different . or if the poor child , his mother , had been alive , he would still have gone into the respectable business , would he . said my aunt . i believe , said mr . murdstone , with an inclination of his head , that clara would have disputed nothing which myself and my sister jane murdstone were agreed was for the best . miss murdstone confirmed this with an audible murmur . humph . said my aunt . unfortunate baby . mr . dick , who had been rattling his money all this time , was rattling it so loudly now , that my aunt felt it necessary to check him with a look , before saying the poor childs annuity died with her . died with her , replied mr . murdstone . and there was no settlement of the little property  house and garden  whats its rookery without any rooks in it  her boy . it had been left to her , unconditionally , by her first husband , mr . murdstone began , when my aunt caught him up with the greatest irascibility and impatience . good lord , man , theres no occasion to say that . left to her unconditionally . i think i see david copperfield looking forward to any condition of any sort or kind , though it stared him point blank in the face . of course it was left to her unconditionally . but when she married again  she took that most disastrous step of marrying you , in short , said my aunt , to be plain  no one put in a word for the boy at that time . my late wife loved her second husband , maam , said mr . murdstone , and trusted implicitly in him . your late wife , sir , was a most unworldly , most unhappy , most unfortunate baby , returned my aunt , shaking her head at him . thats what she was . and now , what have you got to say next . merely this , miss trotwood , he returned . i am here to take david back  take him back unconditionally , to dispose of him as i think proper , and to deal with him as i think right . i am not here to make any promise , or give any pledge to anybody . you may possibly have some idea , miss trotwood , of abetting him in his running away , and in his complaints to you . your manner , which i must say does not seem intended to propitiate , induces me to think it possible . now i must caution you that if you abet him once , you abet him for good and all if you step in between him and me , now , you must step in , miss trotwood , for ever . i cannot trifle , or be trifled with . i am here , for the first and last time , to take him away . is he ready to go . if he is not  you tell me he is not on any pretence it is indifferent to me what  doors are shut against him henceforth , and yours , i take it for granted , are open to him . to this address , my aunt had listened with the closest attention , sitting perfectly upright , with her hands folded on one knee , and looking grimly on the speaker . when he had finished , she turned her eyes so as to command miss murdstone , without otherwise disturbing her attitude , and said well , maam , have you got anything to remark . indeed , miss trotwood , said miss murdstone , all that i could say has been so well said by my brother , and all that i know to be the fact has been so plainly stated by him , that i have nothing to add except my thanks for your politeness . for your very great politeness , i am sure , said miss murdstone with an irony which no more affected my aunt , than it discomposed the cannon i had slept by at chatham . and what does the boy say . said my aunt . are you ready to go , david . i answered no , and entreated her not to let me go . i said that neither mr . nor miss murdstone had ever liked me , or had ever been kind to me . that they had made my mama , who always loved me dearly , unhappy about me , and that i knew it well , and that peggotty knew it . i said that i had been more miserable than i thought anybody could believe , who only knew how young i was . and i begged and prayed my aunt  forget in what terms now , but i remember that they affected me very much then  befriend and protect me , for my fathers sake . mr . dick , said my aunt , what shall i do with this child . mr . dick considered , hesitated , brightened , and rejoined , have him measured for a suit of clothes directly . mr . dick , said my aunt triumphantly , give me your hand , for your common sense is invaluable . having shaken it with great cordiality , she pulled me towards her and said to mr . murdstone you can go when you like ill take my chance with the boy . if hes all you say he is , at least i can do as much for him then , as you have done . but i dont believe a word of it . miss trotwood , rejoined mr . murdstone , shrugging his shoulders , as he rose , if you were a gentleman  bah . stuff and nonsense . said my aunt . dont talk to me . how exquisitely polite . exclaimed miss murdstone , rising . overpowering , really . do you think i dont know , said my aunt , turning a deaf ear to the sister , and continuing to address the brother , and to shake her head at him with infinite expression , what kind of life you must have led that poor , unhappy , misdirected baby . do you think i dont know what a woeful day it was for the soft little creature when you first came in her way  and making great eyes at her , ill be bound , as if you couldnt say boh . to a goose . i never heard anything so elegant . said miss murdstone . do you think i cant understand you as well as if i had seen you , pursued my aunt , now that i do see and hear you  , i tell you candidly , is anything but a pleasure to me . oh yes , bless us . who so smooth and silky as mr . murdstone at first . the poor , benighted innocent had never seen such a man . he was made of sweetness . he worshipped her . he doted on her boy  doted on him . he was to be another father to him , and they were all to live together in a garden of roses , werent they . ugh . get along with you , do . said my aunt . i never heard anything like this person in my life . exclaimed miss murdstone . and when you had made sure of the poor little fool , said my aunt  forgive me that i should call her so , and she gone where you wont go in a hurry  you had not done wrong enough to her and hers , you must begin to train her , must you . begin to break her , like a poor caged bird , and wear her deluded life away , in teaching her to sing your notes . this is either insanity or intoxication , said miss murdstone , in a perfect agony at not being able to turn the current of my aunts address towards herself and my suspicion is that its intoxication . miss betsey , without taking the least notice of the interruption , continued to address herself to mr . murdstone as if there had been no such thing . mr . murdstone , she said , shaking her finger at him , you were a tyrant to the simple baby , and you broke her heart . she was a loving baby  know that i knew it , years before you ever saw her  through the best part of her weakness you gave her the wounds she died of . there is the truth for your comfort , however you like it . and you and your instruments may make the most of it . allow me to inquire , miss trotwood , interposed miss murdstone , whom you are pleased to call , in a choice of words in which i am not experienced , my brothers instruments . it was clear enough , as i have told you , years before you ever saw her  why , in the mysterious dispensations of providence , you ever did see her , is more than humanity can comprehend  was clear enough that the poor soft little thing would marry somebody , at some time or other but i did hope it wouldnt have been as bad as it has turned out . that was the time , mr . murdstone , when she gave birth to her boy here , said my aunt to the poor child you sometimes tormented her through afterwards , which is a disagreeable remembrance and makes the sight of him odious now . aye , . you neednt wince . said my aunt . i know its true without that . he had stood by the door , all this while , observant of her with a smile upon his face , though his black eyebrows were heavily contracted . i remarked now , that , though the smile was on his face still , his colour had gone in a moment , and he seemed to breathe as if he had been running . good day , sir , said my aunt , and good bye . good day to you , too , maam , said my aunt , turning suddenly upon his sister . let me see you ride a donkey over my green again , and as sure as you have a head upon your shoulders , ill knock your bonnet off , and tread upon it . it would require a painter , and no common painter too , to depict my aunts face as she delivered herself of this very unexpected sentiment , and miss murdstones face as she heard it . but the manner of the speech , no less than the matter , was so fiery , that miss murdstone , without a word in answer , discreetly put her arm through her brothers , and walked haughtily out of the cottage my aunt remaining in the window looking after them prepared , i have no doubt , in case of the donkeys reappearance , to carry her threat into instant execution . no attempt at defiance being made , however , her face gradually relaxed , and became so pleasant , that i was emboldened to kiss and thank her which i did with great heartiness , and with both my arms clasped round her neck . i then shook hands with mr . dick , who shook hands with me a great many times , and hailed this happy close of the proceedings with repeated bursts of laughter . youll consider yourself guardian , jointly with me , of this child , mr . dick , said my aunt . i shall be delighted , said mr . dick , to be the guardian of davids son . very good , returned my aunt , thats settled . i have been thinking , do you know , mr . dick , that i might call him trotwood . certainly , . call him trotwood , certainly , said mr . dick . davids sons trotwood . trotwood copperfield , you mean , returned my aunt . yes , to be sure . yes . trotwood copperfield , said mr . dick , a little abashed . my aunt took so kindly to the notion , that some ready made clothes , which were purchased for me that afternoon , were marked trotwood copperfield , in her own handwriting , and in indelible marking ink, , before i put them on and it was settled that all the other clothes which were ordered to be made for me a complete outfit was bespoke that afternoon should be marked in the same way . thus i began my new life , in a new name , and with everything new about me . now that the state of doubt was over , i felt , for many days , like one in a dream . i never thought that i had a curious couple of guardians , in my aunt and mr . dick . i never thought of anything about myself , distinctly . the two things clearest in my mind were , that a remoteness had come upon the old blunderstone life  seemed to lie in the haze of an immeasurable distance and that a curtain had for ever fallen on my life at murdstone and grinbys . no one has ever raised that curtain since . i have lifted it for a moment , even in this narrative , with a reluctant hand , and dropped it gladly . the remembrance of that life is fraught with so much pain to me , with so much mental suffering and want of hope , that i have never had the courage even to examine how long i was doomed to lead it . whether it lasted for a year , or more , or less , i do not know . i only know that it was , and ceased to be and that i have written , and there i leave it . chapter . i make another beginning mr . dick and i soon became the best of friends , and very often , when his days work was done , went out together to fly the great kite . every day of his life he had a long sitting at the memorial , which never made the least progress , however hard he laboured , for king charles the first always strayed into it , sooner or later , and then it was thrown aside , and another one begun . the patience and hope with which he bore these perpetual disappointments , the mild perception he had that there was something wrong about king charles the first , the feeble efforts he made to keep him out , and the certainty with which he came in , and tumbled the memorial out of all shape , made a deep impression on me . what mr . dick supposed would come of the memorial , if it were completed where he thought it was to go , or what he thought it was to do he knew no more than anybody else , i believe . nor was it at all necessary that he should trouble himself with such questions , for if anything were certain under the sun , it was certain that the memorial never would be finished . it was quite an affecting sight , i used to think , to see him with the kite when it was up a great height in the air . what he had told me , in his room , about his belief in its disseminating the statements pasted on it , which were nothing but old leaves of abortive memorials , might have been a fancy with him sometimes but not when he was out , looking up at the kite in the sky , and feeling it pull and tug at his hand . he never looked so serene as he did then . i used to fancy , as i sat by him of an evening , on a green slope , and saw him watch the kite high in the quiet air , that it lifted his mind out of its confusion , and bore it such was my boyish thought into the skies . as he wound the string in and it came lower and lower down out of the beautiful light , until it fluttered to the ground , and lay there like a dead thing , he seemed to wake gradually out of a dream and i remember to have seen him take it up , and look about him in a lost way , as if they had both come down together , so that i pitied him with all my heart . while i advanced in friendship and intimacy with mr . dick , i did not go backward in the favour of his staunch friend , my aunt . she took so kindly to me , that , in the course of a few weeks , she shortened my adopted name of trotwood into trot and even encouraged me to hope , that if i went on as i had begun , i might take equal rank in her affections with my sister betsey trotwood . trot , said my aunt one evening , when the backgammon board was placed as usual for herself and mr . dick , we must not forget your education . this was my only subject of anxiety , and i felt quite delighted by her referring to it . should you like to go to school at canterbury . said my aunt . i replied that i should like it very much , as it was so near her . good , said my aunt . should you like to go tomorrow . being already no stranger to the general rapidity of my aunts evolutions , i was not surprised by the suddenness of the proposal , and said yes . good , said my aunt again . janet , hire the grey pony and chaise tomorrow morning at ten oclock , and pack up master trotwoods clothes tonight . i was greatly elated by these orders but my heart smote me for my selfishness , when i witnessed their effect on mr . dick , who was so low spirited at the prospect of our separation , and played so ill in consequence , that my aunt , after giving him several admonitory raps on the knuckles with her dice box, , shut up the board , and declined to play with him any more . but , on hearing from my aunt that i should sometimes come over on a saturday , and that he could sometimes come and see me on a wednesday , he revived and vowed to make another kite for those occasions , of proportions greatly surpassing the present one . in the morning he was downhearted again , and would have sustained himself by giving me all the money he had in his possession , gold and silver too , if my aunt had not interposed , and limited the gift to five shillings , which , at his earnest petition , were afterwards increased to ten . we parted at the garden gate in a most affectionate manner , and mr . dick did not go into the house until my aunt had driven me out of sight of it . my aunt , who was perfectly indifferent to public opinion , drove the grey pony through dover in a masterly manner sitting high and stiff like a state coachman , keeping a steady eye upon him wherever he went , and making a point of not letting him have his own way in any respect . when we came into the country road , she permitted him to relax a little , however and looking at me down in a valley of cushion by her side , asked me whether i was happy . very happy indeed , thank you , aunt , i said . she was much gratified and both her hands being occupied , patted me on the head with her whip . is it a large school , aunt . i asked . why , i dont know , said my aunt . we are going to mr . wickfields first . does he keep a school . i asked . no , trot , said my aunt . he keeps an office . i asked for no more information about mr . wickfield , as she offered none , and we conversed on other subjects until we came to canterbury , where , as it was market day, , my aunt had a great opportunity of insinuating the grey pony among carts , baskets , vegetables , and hucksters goods . the hair breadth turns and twists we made , drew down upon us a variety of speeches from the people standing about , which were not always complimentary but my aunt drove on with perfect indifference , and i dare say would have taken her own way with as much coolness through an enemys country . at length we stopped before a very old house bulging out over the road a house with long low lattice windows bulging out still farther , and beams with carved heads on the ends bulging out too , so that i fancied the whole house was leaning forward , trying to see who was passing on the narrow pavement below . it was quite spotless in its cleanliness . the old fashioned brass knocker on the low arched door , ornamented with carved garlands of fruit and flowers , twinkled like a star the two stone steps descending to the door were as white as if they had been covered with fair linen and all the angles and corners , and carvings and mouldings , and quaint little panes of glass , and quainter little windows , though as old as the hills , were as pure as any snow that ever fell upon the hills . when the pony chaise stopped at the door , and my eyes were intent upon the house , i saw a cadaverous face appear at a small window on the ground floor in a little round tower that formed one side of the house , and quickly disappear . the low arched door then opened , and the face came out . it was quite as cadaverous as it had looked in the window , though in the grain of it there was that tinge of red which is sometimes to be observed in the skins of red haired people . it belonged to a red haired person  youth of fifteen , as i take it now , but looking much older  hair was cropped as close as the closest stubble who had hardly any eyebrows , and no eyelashes , and eyes of a red brown, , so unsheltered and unshaded , that i remember wondering how he went to sleep . he was high shouldered and bony dressed in decent black , with a white wisp of a neckcloth buttoned up to the throat and had a long , lank , skeleton hand , which particularly attracted my attention , as he stood at the ponys head , rubbing his chin with it , and looking up at us in the chaise . is mr . wickfield at home , uriah heep . said my aunt . mr . wickfields at home , maam , said uriah heep , if youll please to walk in there  with his long hand to the room he meant . we got out and leaving him to hold the pony , went into a long low parlour looking towards the street , from the window of which i caught a glimpse , as i went in , of uriah heep breathing into the ponys nostrils , and immediately covering them with his hand , as if he were putting some spell upon him . opposite to the tall old chimney piece were two portraits one of a gentleman with grey hair though not by any means an old man and black eyebrows , who was looking over some papers tied together with red tape the other , of a lady , with a very placid and sweet expression of face , who was looking at me . i believe i was turning about in search of uriahs picture , when , a door at the farther end of the room opening , a gentleman entered , at sight of whom i turned to the first mentioned portrait again , to make quite sure that it had not come out of its frame . but it was stationary and as the gentleman advanced into the light , i saw that he was some years older than when he had his picture painted . miss betsey trotwood , said the gentleman , pray walk in . i was engaged for a moment , but youll excuse my being busy . you know my motive . i have but one in life . miss betsey thanked him , and we went into his room , which was furnished as an office , with books , papers , tin boxes , and so forth . it looked into a garden , and had an iron safe let into the wall so immediately over the mantelshelf , that i wondered , as i sat down , how the sweeps got round it when they swept the chimney . well , miss trotwood , said mr . wickfield for i soon found that it was he , and that he was a lawyer , and steward of the estates of a rich gentleman of the county what wind blows you here . not an ill wind , i hope . no , replied my aunt . i have not come for any law . thats right , maam , said mr . wickfield . you had better come for anything else . his hair was quite white now , though his eyebrows were still black . he had a very agreeable face , and , i thought , was handsome . there was a certain richness in his complexion , which i had been long accustomed , under peggottys tuition , to connect with port wine and i fancied it was in his voice too , and referred his growing corpulency to the same cause . he was very cleanly dressed , in a blue coat , striped waistcoat , and nankeen trousers and his fine frilled shirt and cambric neckcloth looked unusually soft and white , reminding my strolling fancy of the plumage on the breast of a swan . this is my nephew , said my aunt . wasnt aware you had one , miss trotwood , said mr . wickfield . my grand nephew, , that is to say , observed my aunt . wasnt aware you had a grand nephew, , i give you my word , said mr . wickfield . i have adopted him , said my aunt , with a wave of her hand , importing that his knowledge and his ignorance were all one to her , and i have brought him here , to put to a school where he may be thoroughly well taught , and well treated . now tell me where that school is , and what it is , and all about it . before i can advise you properly , said mr . wickfield  old question , you know . whats your motive in this . deuce take the man . exclaimed my aunt . always fishing for motives , when theyre on the surface . why , to make the child happy and useful . it must be a mixed motive , i think , said mr . wickfield , shaking his head and smiling incredulously . a mixed fiddlestick , returned my aunt . you claim to have one plain motive in all you do yourself . you dont suppose , i hope , that you are the only plain dealer in the world . ay , but i have only one motive in life , miss trotwood , he rejoined , smiling . other people have dozens , scores , hundreds . i have only one . theres the difference . however , thats beside the question . the best school . whatever the motive , you want the best . my aunt nodded assent . at the best we have , said mr . wickfield , considering , your nephew couldnt board just now . but he could board somewhere else , i suppose . suggested my aunt . mr . wickfield thought i could . after a little discussion , he proposed to take my aunt to the school , that she might see it and judge for herself also , to take her , with the same object , to two or three houses where he thought i could be boarded . my aunt embracing the proposal , we were all three going out together , when he stopped and said our little friend here might have some motive , perhaps , for objecting to the arrangements . i think we had better leave him behind . my aunt seemed disposed to contest the point but to facilitate matters i said i would gladly remain behind , if they pleased and returned into mr . wickfields office , where i sat down again , in the chair i had first occupied , to await their return . it so happened that this chair was opposite a narrow passage , which ended in the little circular room where i had seen uriah heeps pale face looking out of the window . uriah , having taken the pony to a neighbouring stable , was at work at a desk in this room , which had a brass frame on the top to hang paper upon , and on which the writing he was making a copy of was then hanging . though his face was towards me , i thought , for some time , the writing being between us , that he could not see me but looking that way more attentively , it made me uncomfortable to observe that , every now and then , his sleepless eyes would come below the writing , like two red suns , and stealthily stare at me for i dare say a whole minute at a time , during which his pen went , or pretended to go , as cleverly as ever . i made several attempts to get out of their way  as standing on a chair to look at a map on the other side of the room , and poring over the columns of a kentish newspaper  they always attracted me back again and whenever i looked towards those two red suns , i was sure to find them , either just rising or just setting . at length , much to my relief , my aunt and mr . wickfield came back , after a pretty long absence . they were not so successful as i could have wished for though the advantages of the school were undeniable , my aunt had not approved of any of the boarding houses proposed for me . its very unfortunate , said my aunt . i dont know what to do , trot . it does happen unfortunately , said mr . wickfield . but ill tell you what you can do , miss trotwood . whats that . inquired my aunt . leave your nephew here , for the present . hes a quiet fellow . he wont disturb me at all . its a capital house for study . as quiet as a monastery , and almost as roomy . leave him here . my aunt evidently liked the offer , though she was delicate of accepting it . so did i . come , miss trotwood , said mr . wickfield . this is the way out of the difficulty . its only a temporary arrangement , you know . if it dont act well , or dont quite accord with our mutual convenience , he can easily go to the right about . there will be time to find some better place for him in the meanwhile . you had better determine to leave him here for the present . i am very much obliged to you , said my aunt and so is he , i see but  come . i know what you mean , cried mr . wickfield . you shall not be oppressed by the receipt of favours , miss trotwood . you may pay for him , if you like . we wont be hard about terms , but you shall pay if you will . on that understanding , said my aunt , though it doesnt lessen the real obligation , i shall be very glad to leave him . then come and see my little housekeeper , said mr . wickfield . we accordingly went up a wonderful old staircase with a balustrade so broad that we might have gone up that , almost as easily and into a shady old drawing room, , lighted by some three or four of the quaint windows i had looked up at from the street which had old oak seats in them , that seemed to have come of the same trees as the shining oak floor , and the great beams in the ceiling . it was a prettily furnished room , with a piano and some lively furniture in red and green , and some flowers . it seemed to be all old nooks and corners and in every nook and corner there was some queer little table , or cupboard , or bookcase , or seat , or something or other , that made me think there was not such another good corner in the room until i looked at the next one , and found it equal to it , if not better . on everything there was the same air of retirement and cleanliness that marked the house outside . mr . wickfield tapped at a door in a corner of the panelled wall , and a girl of about my own age came quickly out and kissed him . on her face , i saw immediately the placid and sweet expression of the lady whose picture had looked at me downstairs . it seemed to my imagination as if the portrait had grown womanly , and the original remained a child . although her face was quite bright and happy , there was a tranquillity about it , and about her  quiet , good , calm spirit  i never have forgotten that i shall never forget . this was his little housekeeper , his daughter agnes , mr . wickfield said . when i heard how he said it , and saw how he held her hand , i guessed what the one motive of his life was . she had a little basket trifle hanging at her side , with keys in it and she looked as staid and as discreet a housekeeper as the old house could have . she listened to her father as he told her about me , with a pleasant face and when he had concluded , proposed to my aunt that we should go upstairs and see my room . we all went together , she before us and a glorious old room it was , with more oak beams , and diamond panes and the broad balustrade going all the way up to it . i cannot call to mind where or when , in my childhood , i had seen a stained glass window in a church . nor do i recollect its subject . but i know that when i saw her turn round , in the grave light of the old staircase , and wait for us , above , i thought of that window and i associated something of its tranquil brightness with agnes wickfield ever afterwards . my aunt was as happy as i was , in the arrangement made for me and we went down to the drawing room again , well pleased and gratified . as she would not hear of staying to dinner , lest she should by any chance fail to arrive at home with the grey pony before dark and as i apprehend mr . wickfield knew her too well to argue any point with her some lunch was provided for her there , and agnes went back to her governess , and mr . wickfield to his office . so we were left to take leave of one another without any restraint . she told me that everything would be arranged for me by mr . wickfield , and that i should want for nothing , and gave me the kindest words and the best advice . trot , said my aunt in conclusion , be a credit to yourself , to me , and mr . dick , and heaven be with you . i was greatly overcome , and could only thank her , again and again , and send my love to mr . dick . never , said my aunt , be mean in anything never be false never be cruel . avoid those three vices , trot , and i can always be hopeful of you . i promised , as well as i could , that i would not abuse her kindness or forget her admonition . the ponys at the door , said my aunt , and i am off . stay here . with these words she embraced me hastily , and went out of the room , shutting the door after her . at first i was startled by so abrupt a departure , and almost feared i had displeased her but when i looked into the street , and saw how dejectedly she got into the chaise , and drove away without looking up , i understood her better and did not do her that injustice . by five oclock , which was mr . wickfields dinner hour, , i had mustered up my spirits again , and was ready for my knife and fork . the cloth was only laid for us two but agnes was waiting in the drawing room before dinner , went down with her father , and sat opposite to him at table . i doubted whether he could have dined without her . we did not stay there , after dinner , but came upstairs into the drawing room again in one snug corner of which , agnes set glasses for her father , and a decanter of port wine . i thought he would have missed its usual flavour , if it had been put there for him by any other hands . there he sat , taking his wine , and taking a good deal of it , for two hours while agnes played on the piano , worked , and talked to him and me . he was , for the most part , gay and cheerful with us but sometimes his eyes rested on her , and he fell into a brooding state , and was silent . she always observed this quickly , i thought , and always roused him with a question or caress . then he came out of his meditation , and drank more wine . agnes made the tea , and presided over it and the time passed away after it , as after dinner , until she went to bed when her father took her in his arms and kissed her , and , she being gone , ordered candles in his office . then i went to bed too . but in the course of the evening i had rambled down to the door , and a little way along the street , that i might have another peep at the old houses , and the grey cathedral and might think of my coming through that old city on my journey , and of my passing the very house i lived in , without knowing it . as i came back , i saw uriah heep shutting up the office and feeling friendly towards everybody , went in and spoke to him , and at parting , gave him my hand . but oh , what a clammy hand his was . as ghostly to the touch as to the sight . i rubbed mine afterwards , to warm it , and to rub his off . it was such an uncomfortable hand , that , when i went to my room , it was still cold and wet upon my memory . leaning out of the window , and seeing one of the faces on the beam ends looking at me sideways , i fancied it was uriah heep got up there somehow , and shut him out in a hurry . chapter . i am a new boy in more senses than one next morning , after breakfast , i entered on school life again . i went , accompanied by mr . wickfield , to the scene of my future studies  grave building in a courtyard , with a learned air about it that seemed very well suited to the stray rooks and jackdaws who came down from the cathedral towers to walk with a clerkly bearing on the grass plot was introduced to my new master , doctor strong . doctor strong looked almost as rusty , to my thinking , as the tall iron rails and gates outside the house and almost as stiff and heavy as the great stone urns that flanked them , and were set up , on the top of the red brick wall , at regular distances all round the court , like sublimated skittles , for time to play at . he was in his library i mean doctor strong was , with his clothes not particularly well brushed , and his hair not particularly well combed his knee smalls unbraced his long black gaiters unbuttoned and his shoes yawning like two caverns on the hearth rug . turning upon me a lustreless eye , that reminded me of a long forgotten blind old horse who once used to crop the grass , and tumble over the graves , in blunderstone churchyard , he said he was glad to see me and then he gave me his hand which i didnt know what to do with , as it did nothing for itself . but , sitting at work , not far from doctor strong , was a very pretty young lady  he called annie , and who was his daughter , i supposed  got me out of my difficulty by kneeling down to put doctor strongs shoes on , and button his gaiters , which she did with great cheerfulness and quickness . when she had finished , and we were going out to the schoolroom , i was much surprised to hear mr . wickfield , in bidding her good morning , address her as mrs . strong and i was wondering could she be doctor strongs sons wife , or could she be mrs . doctor strong , when doctor strong himself unconsciously enlightened me . by the by , wickfield , he said , stopping in a passage with his hand on my shoulder you have not found any suitable provision for my wifes cousin yet . no , said mr . wickfield . no . not yet . i could wish it done as soon as it can be done , wickfield , said doctor strong , for jack maldon is needy , and idle and of those two bad things , worse things sometimes come . what does doctor watts say , he added , looking at me , and moving his head to the time of his quotation , satan finds some mischief still , for idle hands to do . egad , doctor , returned mr . wickfield , if doctor watts knew mankind , he might have written , with as much truth , satan finds some mischief still , for busy hands to do . the busy people achieve their full share of mischief in the world , you may rely upon it . what have the people been about , who have been the busiest in getting money , and in getting power , this century or two . no mischief . jack maldon will never be very busy in getting either , i expect , said doctor strong , rubbing his chin thoughtfully . perhaps not , said mr . wickfield and you bring me back to the question , with an apology for digressing . no , i have not been able to dispose of mr . jack maldon yet . i believe , he said this with some hesitation , i penetrate your motive , and it makes the thing more difficult . my motive , returned doctor strong , is to make some suitable provision for a cousin , and an old playfellow , of annies . yes , i know , said mr . wickfield at home or abroad . aye . replied the doctor , apparently wondering why he emphasized those words so much . at home or abroad . your own expression , you know , said mr . wickfield . or abroad . surely , the doctor answered . surely . one or other . one or other . have you no choice . asked mr . wickfield . no , returned the doctor . no . with astonishment . not the least . no motive , said mr . wickfield , for meaning abroad , and not at home . no , returned the doctor . i am bound to believe you , and of course i do believe you , said mr . wickfield . it might have simplified my office very much , if i had known it before . but i confess i entertained another impression . doctor strong regarded him with a puzzled and doubting look , which almost immediately subsided into a smile that gave me great encouragement for it was full of amiability and sweetness , and there was a simplicity in it , and indeed in his whole manner , when the studious , pondering frost upon it was got through , very attractive and hopeful to a young scholar like me . repeating no , and not the least , and other short assurances to the same purport , doctor strong jogged on before us , at a queer , uneven pace and we followed mr . wickfield , looking grave , i observed , and shaking his head to himself , without knowing that i saw him . the schoolroom was a pretty large hall , on the quietest side of the house , confronted by the stately stare of some half dozen of the great urns , and commanding a peep of an old secluded garden belonging to the doctor , where the peaches were ripening on the sunny south wall . there were two great aloes , in tubs , on the turf outside the windows the broad hard leaves of which plant looking as if they were made of painted tin have ever since , by association , been symbolical to me of silence and retirement . about five and boys were studiously engaged at their books when we went in , but they rose to give the doctor good morning , and remained standing when they saw mr . wickfield and me . a new boy , young gentlemen , said the doctor trotwood copperfield . one adams , who was the head boy, , then stepped out of his place and welcomed me . he looked like a young clergyman , in his white cravat , but he was very affable and good humoured and he showed me my place , and presented me to the masters , in a gentlemanly way that would have put me at my ease , if anything could . it seemed to me so long , however , since i had been among such boys , or among any companions of my own age , except mick walker and mealy potatoes , that i felt as strange as ever i have done in my life . i was so conscious of having passed through scenes of which they could have no knowledge , and of having acquired experiences foreign to my age , appearance , and condition as one of them , that i half believed it was an imposture to come there as an ordinary little schoolboy . i had become , in the murdstone and grinby time , however short or long it may have been , so unused to the sports and games of boys , that i knew i was awkward and inexperienced in the commonest things belonging to them . whatever i had learnt , had so slipped away from me in the sordid cares of my life from day to night , that now , when i was examined about what i knew , i knew nothing , and was put into the lowest form of the school . but , troubled as i was , by my want of boyish skill , and of book learning too , i was made infinitely more uncomfortable by the consideration , that , in what i did know , i was much farther removed from my companions than in what i did not . my mind ran upon what they would think , if they knew of my familiar acquaintance with the kings bench prison . was there anything about me which would reveal my proceedings in connexion with the micawber family  those pawnings , and sellings , and suppers  spite of myself . suppose some of the boys had seen me coming through canterbury , wayworn and ragged , and should find me out . what would they say , who made so light of money , if they could know how i had scraped my halfpence together , for the purchase of my daily saveloy and beer , or my slices of pudding . how would it affect them , who were so innocent of london life , and london streets , to discover how knowing i was and was ashamed to be in some of the meanest phases of both . all this ran in my head so much , on that first day at doctor strongs , that i felt distrustful of my slightest look and gesture shrunk within myself whensoever i was approached by one of my new schoolfellows and hurried off the minute school was over , afraid of committing myself in my response to any friendly notice or advance . but there was such an influence in mr . wickfields old house , that when i knocked at it , with my new school books under my arm , i began to feel my uneasiness softening away . as i went up to my airy old room , the grave shadow of the staircase seemed to fall upon my doubts and fears , and to make the past more indistinct . i sat there , sturdily conning my books , until dinner time and went down , hopeful of becoming a passable sort of boy yet . agnes was in the drawing room, , waiting for her father , who was detained by someone in his office . she met me with her pleasant smile , and asked me how i liked the school . i told her i should like it very much , i hoped but i was a little strange to it at first . you have never been to school , i said , have you . oh yes . every day . ah , but you mean here , at your own home . papa couldnt spare me to go anywhere else , she answered , smiling and shaking her head . his housekeeper must be in his house , you know . he is very fond of you , i am sure , i said . she nodded yes , and went to the door to listen for his coming up , that she might meet him on the stairs . but , as he was not there , she came back again . mama has been dead ever since i was born , she said , in her quiet way . i only know her picture , downstairs . i saw you looking at it yesterday . did you think whose it was . i told her yes , because it was so like herself . papa says so , too , said agnes , pleased . hark . thats papa now . her bright calm face lighted up with pleasure as she went to meet him , and as they came in , hand in hand . he greeted me cordially and told me i should certainly be happy under doctor strong , who was one of the gentlest of men . there may be some , perhaps  dont know that there are  abuse his kindness , said mr . wickfield . never be one of those , trotwood , in anything . he is the least suspicious of mankind and whether thats a merit , or whether its a blemish , it deserves consideration in all dealings with the doctor , great or small . he spoke , i thought , as if he were weary , or dissatisfied with something but i did not pursue the question in my mind , for dinner was just then announced , and we went down and took the same seats as before . we had scarcely done so , when uriah heep put in his red head and his lank hand at the door , and said heres mr . maldon begs the favour of a word , sir . i am but this moment quit of mr . maldon , said his master . yes , sir , returned uriah but mr . maldon has come back , and he begs the favour of a word . as he held the door open with his hand , uriah looked at me , and looked at agnes , and looked at the dishes , and looked at the plates , and looked at every object in the room , i thought  , seemed to look at nothing he made such an appearance all the while of keeping his red eyes dutifully on his master . i beg your pardon . its only to say , on reflection , observed a voice behind uriah , as uriahs head was pushed away , and the speakers substituted  excuse me for this intrusion  as it seems i have no choice in the matter , the sooner i go abroad the better . my cousin annie did say , when we talked of it , that she liked to have her friends within reach rather than to have them banished , and the old doctor  doctor strong , was that . mr . wickfield interposed , gravely . doctor strong , of course , returned the other i call him the old doctor its all the same , you know . i dont know , returned mr . wickfield . well , doctor strong , said the other  strong was of the same mind , i believed . but as it appears from the course you take with me he has changed his mind , why theres no more to be said , except that the sooner i am off , the better . therefore , i thought id come back and say , that the sooner i am off the better . when a plunge is to be made into the water , its of no use lingering on the bank . there shall be as little lingering as possible , in your case , mr . maldon , you may depend upon it , said mr . wickfield . thankee , said the other . much obliged . i dont want to look a gift horse in the mouth , which is not a gracious thing to do otherwise , i dare say , my cousin annie could easily arrange it in her own way . i suppose annie would only have to say to the old doctor  meaning that mrs . strong would only have to say to her husband  i follow you . said mr . wickfield . quite so , returned the other , only have to say , that she wanted such and such a thing to be so and so and it would be so and so , as a matter of course . and why as a matter of course , mr . maldon . asked mr . wickfield , sedately eating his dinner . why , because annies a charming young girl , and the old doctor  strong , i mean  not quite a charming young boy , said mr . jack maldon , laughing . no offence to anybody , mr . wickfield . i only mean that i suppose some compensation is fair and reasonable in that sort of marriage . compensation to the lady , sir . asked mr . wickfield gravely . to the lady , sir , mr . jack maldon answered , laughing . but appearing to remark that mr . wickfield went on with his dinner in the same sedate , immovable manner , and that there was no hope of making him relax a muscle of his face , he added however , i have said what i came to say , and , with another apology for this intrusion , i may take myself off . of course i shall observe your directions , in considering the matter as one to be arranged between you and me solely , and not to be referred to , up at the doctors . have you dined . asked mr . wickfield , with a motion of his hand towards the table . thankee . i am going to dine , said mr . maldon , with my cousin annie . good bye . mr . wickfield , without rising , looked after him thoughtfully as he went out . he was rather a shallow sort of young gentleman , i thought , with a handsome face , a rapid utterance , and a confident , bold air . and this was the first i ever saw of mr . jack maldon whom i had not expected to see so soon , when i heard the doctor speak of him that morning . when we had dined , we went upstairs again , where everything went on exactly as on the previous day . agnes set the glasses and decanters in the same corner , and mr . wickfield sat down to drink , and drank a good deal . agnes played the piano to him , sat by him , and worked and talked , and played some games at dominoes with me . in good time she made tea and afterwards , when i brought down my books , looked into them , and showed me what she knew of them which was no slight matter , though she said it was , and what was the best way to learn and understand them . i see her , with her modest , orderly , placid manner , and i hear her beautiful calm voice , as i write these words . the influence for all good , which she came to exercise over me at a later time , begins already to descend upon my breast . i love little emly , and i dont love agnes  , not at all in that way  i feel that there are goodness , peace , and truth , wherever agnes is and that the soft light of the coloured window in the church , seen long ago , falls on her always , and on me when i am near her , and on everything around . the time having come for her withdrawal for the night , and she having left us , i gave mr . wickfield my hand , preparatory to going away myself . but he checked me and said should you like to stay with us , trotwood , or to go elsewhere . to stay , i answered , quickly . you are sure . if you please . if i may . why , its but a dull life that we lead here , boy , i am afraid , he said . not more dull for me than agnes , sir . not dull at all . than agnes , he repeated , walking slowly to the great chimney piece, , and leaning against it . than agnes . he had drank wine that evening until his eyes were bloodshot . not that i could see them now , for they were cast down , and shaded by his hand but i had noticed them a little while before . now i wonder , he muttered , whether my agnes tires of me . when should i ever tire of her . but thats different , thats quite different . he was musing , not speaking to me so i remained quiet . a dull old house , he said , and a monotonous life but i must have her near me . i must keep her near me . if the thought that i may die and leave my darling , or that my darling may die and leave me , comes like a spectre , to distress my happiest hours , and is only to be drowned in  he did not supply the word but pacing slowly to the place where he had sat , and mechanically going through the action of pouring wine from the empty decanter , set it down and paced back again . if it is miserable to bear , when she is here , he said , what would it be , and she away . no , . i cannot try that . he leaned against the chimney piece, , brooding so long that i could not decide whether to run the risk of disturbing him by going , or to remain quietly where i was , until he should come out of his reverie . at length he aroused himself , and looked about the room until his eyes encountered mine . stay with us , trotwood , eh . he said in his usual manner , and as if he were answering something i had just said . i am glad of it . you are company to us both . it is wholesome to have you here . wholesome for me , wholesome for agnes , wholesome perhaps for all of us . i am sure it is for me , sir , i said . i am so glad to be here . thats a fine fellow . said mr . wickfield . as long as you are glad to be here , you shall stay here . he shook hands with me upon it , and clapped me on the back and told me that when i had anything to do at night after agnes had left us , or when i wished to read for my own pleasure , i was free to come down to his room , if he were there and if i desired it for companys sake , and to sit with him . i thanked him for his consideration and , as he went down soon afterwards , and i was not tired , went down too , with a book in my hand , to avail myself , for half an , of his permission . but , seeing a light in the little round office , and immediately feeling myself attracted towards uriah heep , who had a sort of fascination for me , i went in there instead . i found uriah reading a great fat book , with such demonstrative attention , that his lank forefinger followed up every line as he read , and made clammy tracks along the page or so i fully believed like a snail . you are working late tonight , uriah , says i . yes , master copperfield , says uriah . as i was getting on the stool opposite , to talk to him more conveniently , i observed that he had not such a thing as a smile about him , and that he could only widen his mouth and make two hard creases down his cheeks , one on each side , to stand for one . i am not doing office work, , master copperfield , said uriah . what work , then . i asked . i am improving my legal knowledge , master copperfield , said uriah . i am going through tidds practice . oh , what a writer mr . tidd is , master copperfield . my stool was such a tower of observation , that as i watched him reading on again , after this rapturous exclamation , and following up the lines with his forefinger , i observed that his nostrils , which were thin and pointed , with sharp dints in them , had a singular and most uncomfortable way of expanding and contracting themselves  they seemed to twinkle instead of his eyes , which hardly ever twinkled at all . i suppose you are quite a great lawyer . i said , after looking at him for some time . me , master copperfield . said uriah . oh , no . im a very umble person . it was no fancy of mine about his hands , i observed for he frequently ground the palms against each other as if to squeeze them dry and warm , besides often wiping them , in a stealthy way , on his pocket handkerchief . i am well aware that i am the umblest person going , said uriah heep , modestly let the other be where he may . my mother is likewise a very umble person . we live in a numble abode , master copperfield , but have much to be thankful for . my fathers former calling was umble . he was a sexton . what is he now . i asked . he is a partaker of glory at present , master copperfield , said uriah heep . but we have much to be thankful for . how much have i to be thankful for in living with mr . wickfield . i asked uriah if he had been with mr . wickfield long . i have been with him , going on four year , master copperfield , said uriah shutting up his book , after carefully marking the place where he had left off . since a year after my fathers death . how much have i to be thankful for , in that . how much have i to be thankful for , in mr . wickfields kind intention to give me my articles , which would otherwise not lay within the umble means of mother and self . then , when your articled time is over , youll be a regular lawyer , i suppose . said i . with the blessing of providence , master copperfield , returned uriah . perhaps youll be a partner in mr . wickfields business , one of these days , i said , to make myself agreeable and it will be wickfield and heep , or heep late wickfield . oh no , master copperfield , returned uriah , shaking his head , i am much too umble for that . he certainly did look uncommonly like the carved face on the beam outside my window , as he sat , in his humility , eyeing me sideways , with his mouth widened , and the creases in his cheeks . mr . wickfield is a most excellent man , master copperfield , said uriah . if you have known him long , you know it , i am sure , much better than i can inform you . i replied that i was certain he was but that i had not known him long myself , though he was a friend of my aunts . oh , indeed , master copperfield , said uriah . your aunt is a sweet lady , master copperfield . he had a way of writhing when he wanted to express enthusiasm , which was very ugly and which diverted my attention from the compliment he had paid my relation , to the snaky twistings of his throat and body . a sweet lady , master copperfield . said uriah heep . she has a great admiration for miss agnes , master copperfield , i believe . i said , yes , boldly not that i knew anything about it , heaven forgive me . i hope you have , too , master copperfield , said uriah . but i am sure you must have . everybody must have , i returned . oh , thank you , master copperfield , said uriah heep , for that remark . it is so true . umble as i am , i know it is so true . oh , thank you , master copperfield . he writhed himself quite off his stool in the excitement of his feelings , and , being off , began to make arrangements for going home . mother will be expecting me , he said , referring to a pale , inexpressive faced watch in his pocket , and getting uneasy for though we are very umble , master copperfield , we are much attached to one another . if you would come and see us , any afternoon , and take a cup of tea at our lowly dwelling , mother would be as proud of your company as i should be . i said i should be glad to come . thank you , master copperfield , returned uriah , putting his book away upon the shelf  suppose you stop here , some time , master copperfield . i said i was going to be brought up there , i believed , as long as i remained at school . oh , indeed . exclaimed uriah . i should think you would come into the business at last , master copperfield . i protested that i had no views of that sort , and that no such scheme was entertained in my behalf by anybody but uriah insisted on blandly replying to all my assurances , oh , yes , master copperfield , i should think you would , indeed . and , oh , indeed , master copperfield , i should think you would , certainly . over and over again . being , at last , ready to leave the office for the night , he asked me if it would suit my convenience to have the light put out and on my answering yes , instantly extinguished it . after shaking hands with me  hand felt like a fish , in the dark  opened the door into the street a very little , and crept out , and shut it , leaving me to grope my way back into the house which cost me some trouble and a fall over his stool . this was the proximate cause , i suppose , of my dreaming about him , for what appeared to me to be half the night and dreaming , among other things , that he had launched mr . peggottys house on a piratical expedition , with a black flag at the masthead , bearing the inscription tidds practice , under which diabolical ensign he was carrying me and little emly to the spanish main , to be drowned . i got a little the better of my uneasiness when i went to school next day , and a good deal the better next day , and so shook it off by degrees , that in less than a fortnight i was quite at home , and happy , among my new companions . i was awkward enough in their games , and backward enough in their studies but custom would improve me in the first respect , i hoped , and hard work in the second . accordingly , i went to work very hard , both in play and in earnest , and gained great commendation . and , in a very little while , the murdstone and grinby life became so strange to me that i hardly believed in it , while my present life grew so familiar , that i seemed to have been leading it a long time . doctor strongs was an excellent school as different from mr . creakles as good is from evil . it was very gravely and decorously ordered , and on a sound system with an appeal , in everything , to the honour and good faith of the boys , and an avowed intention to rely on their possession of those qualities unless they proved themselves unworthy of it , which worked wonders . we all felt that we had a part in the management of the place , and in sustaining its character and dignity . hence , we soon became warmly attached to it  am sure i did for one , and i never knew , in all my time , of any other boy being otherwise  learnt with a good will , desiring to do it credit . we had noble games out of hours , and plenty of liberty but even then , as i remember , we were well spoken of in the town , and rarely did any disgrace , by our appearance or manner , to the reputation of doctor strong and doctor strongs boys . some of the higher scholars boarded in the doctors house , and through them i learned , at second hand , some particulars of the doctors history  , how he had not yet been married twelve months to the beautiful young lady i had seen in the study , whom he had married for love for she had not a sixpence , and had a world of poor relations so our fellows said ready to swarm the doctor out of house and home . also , how the doctors cogitating manner was attributable to his being always engaged in looking out for greek roots which , in my innocence and ignorance , i supposed to be a botanical furor on the doctors part , especially as he always looked at the ground when he walked about , until i understood that they were roots of words , with a view to a new dictionary which he had in contemplation . adams , our head boy, , who had a turn for mathematics , had made a calculation , i was informed , of the time this dictionary would take in completing , on the doctors plan , and at the doctors rate of going . he considered that it might be done in one thousand six hundred and forty nine years , counting from the doctors last , or sixty second, , birthday . but the doctor himself was the idol of the whole school and it must have been a badly composed school if he had been anything else , for he was the kindest of men with a simple faith in him that might have touched the stone hearts of the very urns upon the wall . as he walked up and down that part of the courtyard which was at the side of the house , with the stray rooks and jackdaws looking after him with their heads cocked slyly , as if they knew how much more knowing they were in worldly affairs than he , if any sort of vagabond could only get near enough to his creaking shoes to attract his attention to one sentence of a tale of distress , that vagabond was made for the next two days . it was so notorious in the house , that the masters and head boys took pains to cut these marauders off at angles , and to get out of windows , and turn them out of the courtyard , before they could make the doctor aware of their presence which was sometimes happily effected within a few yards of him , without his knowing anything of the matter , as he jogged to and fro . outside his own domain , and unprotected , he was a very sheep for the shearers . he would have taken his gaiters off his legs , to give away . in fact , there was a story current among us i have no idea , and never had , on what authority , but i have believed it for so many years that i feel quite certain it is true , that on a frosty day , one winter time, , he actually did bestow his gaiters on a beggar woman, , who occasioned some scandal in the neighbourhood by exhibiting a fine infant from door to door , wrapped in those garments , which were universally recognized , being as well known in the vicinity as the cathedral . the legend added that the only person who did not identify them was the doctor himself , who , when they were shortly afterwards displayed at the door of a little second hand shop of no very good repute , where such things were taken in exchange for gin , was more than once observed to handle them approvingly , as if admiring some curious novelty in the pattern , and considering them an improvement on his own . it was very pleasant to see the doctor with his pretty young wife . he had a fatherly , benignant way of showing his fondness for her , which seemed in itself to express a good man . i often saw them walking in the garden where the peaches were , and i sometimes had a nearer observation of them in the study or the parlour . she appeared to me to take great care of the doctor , and to like him very much , though i never thought her vitally interested in the dictionary some cumbrous fragments of which work the doctor always carried in his pockets , and in the lining of his hat , and generally seemed to be expounding to her as they walked about . i saw a good deal of mrs . strong , both because she had taken a liking for me on the morning of my introduction to the doctor , and was always afterwards kind to me , and interested in me and because she was very fond of agnes , and was often backwards and forwards at our house . there was a curious constraint between her and mr . wickfield , i thought of whom she seemed to be afraid , that never wore off . when she came there of an evening , she always shrunk from accepting his escort home , and ran away with me instead . and sometimes , as we were running gaily across the cathedral yard together , expecting to meet nobody , we would meet mr . jack maldon , who was always surprised to see us . mrs . strongs mama was a lady i took great delight in . her name was mrs . markleham but our boys used to call her the old soldier , on account of her generalship , and the skill with which she marshalled great forces of relations against the doctor . she was a little , sharp eyed woman , who used to wear , when she was dressed , one unchangeable cap , ornamented with some artificial flowers , and two artificial butterflies supposed to be hovering above the flowers . there was a superstition among us that this cap had come from france , and could only originate in the workmanship of that ingenious nation but all i certainly know about it , is , that it always made its appearance of an evening , wheresoever mrs . markleham made her appearance that it was carried about to friendly meetings in a hindoo basket that the butterflies had the gift of trembling constantly and that they improved the shining hours at doctor strongs expense , like busy bees . i observed the old soldier  to adopt the name disrespectfully  pretty good advantage , on a night which is made memorable to me by something else i shall relate . it was the night of a little party at the doctors , which was given on the occasion of mr . jack maldons departure for india , whither he was going as a cadet , or something of that kind mr . wickfield having at length arranged the business . it happened to be the doctors birthday , too . we had a holiday , had made presents to him in the morning , had made a speech to him through the head boy, , and had cheered him until we were hoarse , and until he had shed tears . and now , in the evening , mr . wickfield , agnes , and i , went to have tea with him in his private capacity . mr . jack maldon was there , before us . mrs . strong , dressed in white , with cherry coloured ribbons , was playing the piano , when we went in and he was leaning over her to turn the leaves . the clear red and white of her complexion was not so blooming and flower like as usual , i thought , when she turned round but she looked very pretty , wonderfully pretty . i have forgotten , doctor , said mrs . strongs mama , when we were seated , to pay you the compliments of the day  they are , as you may suppose , very far from being mere compliments in my case . allow me to wish you many happy returns . i thank you , maam , replied the doctor . many , happy returns , said the old soldier . not only for your own sake , but for annies , and john maldons , and many other peoples . it seems but yesterday to me , john , when you were a little creature , a head shorter than master copperfield , making baby love to annie behind the gooseberry bushes in the back garden . my dear mama , said mrs . strong , never mind that now . annie , dont be absurd , returned her mother . if you are to blush to hear of such things now you are an old married woman , when are you not to blush to hear of them . old . exclaimed mr . jack maldon . annie . come . yes , john , returned the soldier . virtually , an old married woman . although not old by years  when did you ever hear me say , or who has ever heard me say , that a girl of twenty was old by years . cousin is the wife of the doctor , and , as such , what i have described her . it is well for you , john , that your cousin is the wife of the doctor . you have found in him an influential and kind friend , who will be kinder yet , i venture to predict , if you deserve it . i have no false pride . i never hesitate to admit , frankly , that there are some members of our family who want a friend . you were one yourself , before your cousins influence raised up one for you . the doctor , in the goodness of his heart , waved his hand as if to make light of it , and save mr . jack maldon from any further reminder . but mrs . markleham changed her chair for one next the doctors , and putting her fan on his coat sleeve, , said no , really , my dear doctor , you must excuse me if i appear to dwell on this rather , because i feel so very strongly . i call it quite my monomania , it is such a subject of mine . you are a blessing to us . you really are a boon , you know . nonsense , said the doctor . no , i beg your pardon , retorted the old soldier . with nobody present , but our dear and confidential friend mr . wickfield , i cannot consent to be put down . i shall begin to assert the privileges of a mother in , if you go on like that , and scold you . i am perfectly honest and outspoken . what i am saying , is what i said when you first overpowered me with surprise  remember how surprised i was . proposing for annie . not that there was anything so very much out of the way , in the mere fact of the proposal  would be ridiculous to say that . because , you having known her poor father , and having known her from a baby six months old , i hadnt thought of you in such a light at all , or indeed as a marrying man in any way  , that , you know . aye , returned the doctor , good humouredly . never mind . but i do mind , said the old soldier , laying her fan upon his lips . i mind very much . i recall these things that i may be contradicted if i am wrong . well . then i spoke to annie , and i told her what had happened . i said , my dear , heres doctor strong has positively been and made you the subject of a handsome declaration and an offer . did i press it in the least . no . i said , now , annie , tell me the truth this moment is your heart free . mama , she said crying , i am extremely young  was perfectly true  i hardly know if i have a heart at all . then , my dear , i said , you may rely upon it , its free . at all events , my love , said i , doctor strong is in an agitated state of mind , and must be answered . he cannot be kept in his present state of suspense . mama , said annie , still crying , would he be unhappy without me . if he would , i honour and respect him so much , that i think i will have him . so it was settled . and then , and not till then , i said to annie , doctor strong will not only be your husband , but he will represent your late father he will represent the head of our family , he will represent the wisdom and station , and i may say the means , of our family and will be , in short , a boon to it . i used the word at the time , and i have used it again , today . if i have any merit it is consistency . the daughter had sat quite silent and still during this speech , with her eyes fixed on the ground her cousin standing near her , and looking on the ground too . she now said very softly , in a trembling voice mama , i hope you have finished . no , my dear annie , returned the old soldier , i have not quite finished . since you ask me , my love , i reply that i have not . i complain that you really are a little unnatural towards your own family and , as it is of no use complaining to you . i mean to complain to your husband . now , my dear doctor , do look at that silly wife of yours . as the doctor turned his kind face , with its smile of simplicity and gentleness , towards her , she drooped her head more . i noticed that mr . wickfield looked at her steadily . when i happened to say to that naughty thing , the other day , pursued her mother , shaking her head and her fan at her , playfully , that there was a family circumstance she might mention to you  , i think , was bound to mention  said , that to mention it was to ask a favour and that , as you were too generous , and as for her to ask was always to have , she wouldnt . annie , my dear , said the doctor . that was wrong . it robbed me of a pleasure . almost the very words i said to her . exclaimed her mother . now really , another time , when i know what she would tell you but for this reason , and wont , i have a great mind , my dear doctor , to tell you myself . i shall be glad if you will , returned the doctor . shall i . certainly . well , then , i will . said the old soldier . thats a bargain . and having , i suppose , carried her point , she tapped the doctors hand several times with her fan and returned triumphantly to her former station . some more company coming in , among whom were the two masters and adams , the talk became general and it naturally turned on mr . jack maldon , and his voyage , and the country he was going to , and his various plans and prospects . he was to leave that night , after supper , in a post chaise, , for gravesend where the ship , in which he was to make the voyage , lay and was to be gone  he came home on leave , or for his health  dont know how many years . i recollect it was settled by general consent that india was quite a misrepresented country , and had nothing objectionable in it , but a tiger or two , and a little heat in the warm part of the day . for my own part , i looked on mr . jack maldon as a modern sindbad , and pictured him the bosom friend of all the rajahs in the east , sitting under canopies , smoking curly golden pipes  mile long , if they could be straightened out . mrs . strong was a very pretty singer as i knew , who often heard her singing by herself . but , whether she was afraid of singing before people , or was out of voice that evening , it was certain that she couldnt sing at all . she tried a duet , once , with her cousin maldon , but could not so much as begin and afterwards , when she tried to sing by herself , although she began sweetly , her voice died away on a sudden , and left her quite distressed , with her head hanging down over the keys . the good doctor said she was nervous , and , to relieve her , proposed a round game at cards of which he knew as much as of the art of playing the trombone . but i remarked that the old soldier took him into custody directly , for her partner and instructed him , as the first preliminary of initiation , to give her all the silver he had in his pocket . we had a merry game , not made the less merry by the doctors mistakes , of which he committed an innumerable quantity , in spite of the watchfulness of the butterflies , and to their great aggravation . mrs . strong had declined to play , on the ground of not feeling very well and her cousin maldon had excused himself because he had some packing to do . when he had done it , however , he returned , and they sat together , talking , on the sofa . from time to time she came and looked over the doctors hand , and told him what to play . she was very pale , as she bent over him , and i thought her finger trembled as she pointed out the cards but the doctor was quite happy in her attention , and took no notice of this , if it were so . at supper , we were hardly so gay . everyone appeared to feel that a parting of that sort was an awkward thing , and that the nearer it approached , the more awkward it was . mr . jack maldon tried to be very talkative , but was not at his ease , and made matters worse . and they were not improved , as it appeared to me , by the old soldier who continually recalled passages of mr . jack maldons youth . the doctor , however , who felt , i am sure , that he was making everybody happy , was well pleased , and had no suspicion but that we were all at the utmost height of enjoyment . annie , my dear , said he , looking at his watch , and filling his glass , it is past your cousin jacks time , and we must not detain him , since time and tide  concerned in this case  for no man . mr . jack maldon , you have a long voyage , and a strange country , before you but many men have had both , and many men will have both , to the end of time . the winds you are going to tempt , have wafted thousands upon thousands to fortune , and brought thousands upon thousands happily back . its an affecting thing , said mrs . markleham  its viewed , its affecting , to see a fine young man one has known from an infant , going away to the other end of the world , leaving all he knows behind , and not knowing whats before him . a young man really well deserves constant support and patronage , looking at the doctor , who makes such sacrifices . time will go fast with you , mr . jack maldon , pursued the doctor , and fast with all of us . some of us can hardly expect , perhaps , in the natural course of things , to greet you on your return . the next best thing is to hope to do it , and thats my case . i shall not weary you with good advice . you have long had a good model before you , in your cousin annie . imitate her virtues as nearly as you can . mrs . markleham fanned herself , and shook her head . farewell , mr . jack , said the doctor , standing up on which we all stood up . a prosperous voyage out , a thriving career abroad , and a happy return home . we all drank the toast , and all shook hands with mr . jack maldon after which he hastily took leave of the ladies who were there , and hurried to the door , where he was received , as he got into the chaise , with a tremendous broadside of cheers discharged by our boys , who had assembled on the lawn for the purpose . running in among them to swell the ranks , i was very near the chaise when it rolled away and i had a lively impression made upon me , in the midst of the noise and dust , of having seen mr . jack maldon rattle past with an agitated face , and something cherry coloured in his hand . after another broadside for the doctor , and another for the doctors wife , the boys dispersed , and i went back into the house , where i found the guests all standing in a group about the doctor , discussing how mr . jack maldon had gone away , and how he had borne it , and how he had felt it , and all the rest of it . in the midst of these remarks , mrs . markleham cried wheres annie . no annie was there and when they called to her , no annie replied . but all pressing out of the room , in a crowd , to see what was the matter , we found her lying on the hall floor . there was great alarm at first , until it was found that she was in a swoon , and that the swoon was yielding to the usual means of recovery when the doctor , who had lifted her head upon his knee , put her curls aside with his hand , and said , looking around poor annie . shes so faithful and tender hearted . its the parting from her old playfellow and friend  favourite cousin  has done this . ah . its a pity . i am very sorry . when she opened her eyes , and saw where she was , and that we were all standing about her , she arose with assistance turning her head , as she did so , to lay it on the doctors shoulder  to hide it , i dont know which . we went into the drawing room, , to leave her with the doctor and her mother but she said , it seemed , that she was better than she had been since morning , and that she would rather be brought among us so they brought her in , looking very white and weak , i thought , and sat her on a sofa . annie , my dear , said her mother , doing something to her dress . see here . you have lost a bow . will anybody be so good as find a ribbon a cherry coloured ribbon . it was the one she had worn at her bosom . we all looked for it i myself looked everywhere , i am certain  nobody could find it . do you recollect where you had it last , annie . said her mother . i wondered how i could have thought she looked white , or anything but burning red , when she answered that she had it safe , a little while ago , she thought , but it was not worth looking for . nevertheless , it was looked for again , and still not found . she entreated that there might be no more searching but it was still sought for , in a desultory way , until she was quite well , and the company took their departure . we walked very slowly home , mr . wickfield , agnes , and i  and i admiring the moonlight , and mr . wickfield scarcely raising his eyes from the ground . when we , at last , reached our own door , agnes discovered that she had left her little reticule behind . delighted to be of any service to her , i ran back to fetch it . i went into the supper room where it had been left , which was deserted and dark . but a door of communication between that and the doctors study , where there was a light , being open , i passed on there , to say what i wanted , and to get a candle . the doctor was sitting in his easy chair by the fireside , and his young wife was on a stool at his feet . the doctor , with a complacent smile , was reading aloud some manuscript explanation or statement of a theory out of that interminable dictionary , and she was looking up at him . but with such a face as i never saw . it was so beautiful in its form , it was so ashy pale , it was so fixed in its abstraction , it was so full of a wild , sleep walking, , dreamy horror of i dont know what . the eyes were wide open , and her brown hair fell in two rich clusters on her shoulders , and on her white dress , disordered by the want of the lost ribbon . distinctly as i recollect her look , i cannot say of what it was expressive , i cannot even say of what it is expressive to me now , rising again before my older judgement . penitence , humiliation , shame , pride , love , and trustfulness  see them all and in them all , i see that horror of i dont know what . my entrance , and my saying what i wanted , roused her . it disturbed the doctor too , for when i went back to replace the candle i had taken from the table , he was patting her head , in his fatherly way , and saying he was a merciless drone to let her tempt him into reading on and he would have her go to bed . but she asked him , in a rapid , urgent manner , to let her stay  let her feel assured that she was in his confidence that night . and , as she turned again towards him , after glancing at me as i left the room and went out at the door , i saw her cross her hands upon his knee , and look up at him with the same face , something quieted , as he resumed his reading . it made a great impression on me , and i remembered it a long time afterwards as i shall have occasion to narrate when the time comes . chapter . somebody turns up it has not occurred to me to mention peggotty since i ran away but , of course , i wrote her a letter almost as soon as i was housed at dover , and another , and a longer letter , containing all particulars fully related , when my aunt took me formally under her protection . on my being settled at doctor strongs i wrote to her again , detailing my happy condition and prospects . i never could have derived anything like the pleasure from spending the money mr . dick had given me , that i felt in sending a gold half guinea to peggotty , per post , enclosed in this last letter , to discharge the sum i had borrowed of her in which epistle , not before , i mentioned about the young man with the donkey cart . to these communications peggotty replied as promptly , if not as concisely , as a merchants clerk . her utmost powers of expression which were certainly not great in ink were exhausted in the attempt to write what she felt on the subject of my journey . four sides of incoherent and interjectional beginnings of sentences , that had no end , except blots , were inadequate to afford her any relief . but the blots were more expressive to me than the best composition for they showed me that peggotty had been crying all over the paper , and what could i have desired more . i made out , without much difficulty , that she could not take quite kindly to my aunt yet . the notice was too short after so long a prepossession the other way . we never knew a person , she wrote but to think that miss betsey should seem to be so different from what she had been thought to be , was a moral . was her word . she was evidently still afraid of miss betsey , for she sent her grateful duty to her but timidly and she was evidently afraid of me , too , and entertained the probability of my running away again soon if i might judge from the repeated hints she threw out , that the coach fare to yarmouth was always to be had of her for the asking . she gave me one piece of intelligence which affected me very much , namely , that there had been a sale of the furniture at our old home , and that mr . and miss murdstone were gone away , and the house was shut up , to be let or sold . god knows i had no part in it while they remained there , but it pained me to think of the dear old place as altogether abandoned of the weeds growing tall in the garden , and the fallen leaves lying thick and wet upon the paths . i imagined how the winds of winter would howl round it , how the cold rain would beat upon the window glass, , how the moon would make ghosts on the walls of the empty rooms , watching their solitude all night . i thought afresh of the grave in the churchyard , underneath the tree and it seemed as if the house were dead too , now , and all connected with my father and mother were faded away . there was no other news in peggottys letters . mr . barkis was an excellent husband , she said , though still a little near but we all had our faults , and she had plenty though i am sure i dont know what they were and he sent his duty , and my little bedroom was always ready for me . mr . peggotty was well , and ham was well , and mrs . gummidge was but poorly , and little emly wouldnt send her love , but said that peggotty might send it , if she liked . all this intelligence i dutifully imparted to my aunt , only reserving to myself the mention of little emly , to whom i instinctively felt that she would not very tenderly incline . while i was yet new at doctor strongs , she made several excursions over to canterbury to see me , and always at unseasonable hours with the view , i suppose , of taking me by surprise . but , finding me well employed , and bearing a good character , and hearing on all hands that i rose fast in the school , she soon discontinued these visits . i saw her on a saturday , every third or fourth week , when i went over to dover for a treat and i saw mr . dick every alternate wednesday , when he arrived by stage coach at noon , to stay until next morning . on these occasions mr . dick never travelled without a leathern writing desk, , containing a supply of stationery and the memorial in relation to which document he had a notion that time was beginning to press now , and that it really must be got out of hand . mr . dick was very partial to gingerbread . to render his visits the more agreeable , my aunt had instructed me to open a credit for him at a cake shop , which was hampered with the stipulation that he should not be served with more than one shillings worth in the course of any one day . this , and the reference of all his little bills at the county inn where he slept , to my aunt , before they were paid , induced me to suspect that he was only allowed to rattle his money , and not to spend it . i found on further investigation that this was so , or at least there was an agreement between him and my aunt that he should account to her for all his disbursements . as he had no idea of deceiving her , and always desired to please her , he was thus made chary of launching into expense . on this point , as well as on all other possible points , mr . dick was convinced that my aunt was the wisest and most wonderful of women as he repeatedly told me with infinite secrecy , and always in a whisper . trotwood , said mr . dick , with an air of mystery , after imparting this confidence to me , one wednesday whos the man that hides near our house and frightens her . frightens my aunt , sir . mr . dick nodded . i thought nothing would have frightened her , he said , for shes  here he whispered softly , dont mention it  wisest and most wonderful of women . having said which , he drew back , to observe the effect which this description of her made upon me . the first time he came , said mr . dick , was  me see  hundred and forty nine was the date of king charless execution . i think you said sixteen hundred and forty nine . yes , sir . i dont know how it can be , said mr . dick , sorely puzzled and shaking his head . i dont think i am as old as that . was it in that year that the man appeared , sir . i asked . why , really said mr . dick , i dont see how it can have been in that year , trotwood . did you get that date out of history . yes , sir . i suppose history never lies , does it . said mr . dick , with a gleam of hope . oh dear , no , sir . i replied , most decisively . i was ingenuous and young , and i thought so . i cant make it out , said mr . dick , shaking his head . theres something wrong , somewhere . however , it was very soon after the mistake was made of putting some of the trouble out of king charless head into my head , that the man first came . i was walking out with miss trotwood after tea , just at dark , and there he was , close to our house . walking about . i inquired . walking about . repeated mr . dick . let me see , i must recollect a bit . n no, , no he was not walking about . i asked , as the shortest way to get at it , what he was doing . well , he wasnt there at all , said mr . dick , until he came up behind her , and whispered . then she turned round and fainted , and i stood still and looked at him , and he walked away but that he should have been hiding ever since is the most extraordinary thing . has he been hiding ever since . i asked . to be sure he has , retorted mr . dick , nodding his head gravely . never came out , till last night . we were walking last night , and he came up behind her again , and i knew him again . and did he frighten my aunt again . all of a shiver , said mr . dick , counterfeiting that affection and making his teeth chatter . held by the palings . cried . but , trotwood , come here , getting me close to him , that he might whisper very softly why did she give him money , boy , in the moonlight . he was a beggar , perhaps . mr . dick shook his head , as utterly renouncing the suggestion and having replied a great many times , and with great confidence , no beggar , no beggar , no beggar , sir . went on to say , that from his window he had afterwards , and late at night , seen my aunt give this person money outside the garden rails in the moonlight , who then slunk away  the ground again , as he thought probable  was seen no more while my aunt came hurriedly and secretly back into the house , and had , even that morning , been quite different from her usual self which preyed on mr . dicks mind . i had not the least belief , in the outset of this story , that the unknown was anything but a delusion of mr . dicks , and one of the line of that ill fated prince who occasioned him so much difficulty but after some reflection i began to entertain the question whether an attempt , or threat of an attempt , might have been twice made to take poor mr . dick himself from under my aunts protection , and whether my aunt , the strength of whose kind feeling towards him i knew from herself , might have been induced to pay a price for his peace and quiet . as i was already much attached to mr . dick , and very solicitous for his welfare , my fears favoured this supposition and for a long time his wednesday hardly ever came round , without my entertaining a misgiving that he would not be on the coach box as usual . there he always appeared , however , grey headed, , laughing , and happy and he never had anything more to tell of the man who could frighten my aunt . these wednesdays were the happiest days of mr . dicks life they were far from being the least happy of mine . he soon became known to every boy in the school and though he never took an active part in any game but kite flying, , was as deeply interested in all our sports as anyone among us . how often have i seen him , intent upon a match at marbles or pegtop , looking on with a face of unutterable interest , and hardly breathing at the critical times . how often , at hare and hounds , have i seen him mounted on a little knoll , cheering the whole field on to action , and waving his hat above his grey head , oblivious of king charles the martyrs head , and all belonging to it . how many a summer hour have i known to be but blissful minutes to him in the cricket field . how many winter days have i seen him , standing blue nosed, , in the snow and east wind , looking at the boys going down the long slide , and clapping his worsted gloves in rapture . he was an universal favourite , and his ingenuity in little things was transcendent . he could cut oranges into such devices as none of us had an idea of . he could make a boat out of anything , from a skewer upwards . he could turn cramp bones into chessmen fashion roman chariots from old court cards make spoked wheels out of cotton reels , and bird cages of old wire . but he was greatest of all , perhaps , in the articles of string and straw with which we were all persuaded he could do anything that could be done by hands . mr . dicks renown was not long confined to us . after a few wednesdays , doctor strong himself made some inquiries of me about him , and i told him all my aunt had told me which interested the doctor so much that he requested , on the occasion of his next visit , to be presented to him . this ceremony i performed and the doctor begging mr . dick , whensoever he should not find me at the coach office , to come on there , and rest himself until our mornings work was over , it soon passed into a custom for mr . dick to come on as a matter of course , and , if we were a little late , as often happened on a wednesday , to walk about the courtyard , waiting for me . here he made the acquaintance of the doctors beautiful young wife paler than formerly , all this time more rarely seen by me or anyone , i think and not so gay , but not less beautiful , and so became more and more familiar by degrees , until , at last , he would come into the school and wait . he always sat in a particular corner , on a particular stool , which was called dick , after him here he would sit , with his grey head bent forward , attentively listening to whatever might be going on , with a profound veneration for the learning he had never been able to acquire . this veneration mr . dick extended to the doctor , whom he thought the most subtle and accomplished philosopher of any age . it was long before mr . dick ever spoke to him otherwise than bareheaded and even when he and the doctor had struck up quite a friendship , and would walk together by the hour , on that side of the courtyard which was known among us as the doctors walk , mr . dick would pull off his hat at intervals to show his respect for wisdom and knowledge . how it ever came about that the doctor began to read out scraps of the famous dictionary , in these walks , i never knew perhaps he felt it all the same , at first , as reading to himself . however , it passed into a custom too and mr . dick , listening with a face shining with pride and pleasure , in his heart of hearts believed the dictionary to be the most delightful book in the world . as i think of them going up and down before those schoolroom windows  doctor reading with his complacent smile , an occasional flourish of the manuscript , or grave motion of his head and mr . dick listening , enchained by interest , with his poor wits calmly wandering god knows where , upon the wings of hard words  think of it as one of the pleasantest things , in a quiet way , that i have ever seen . i feel as if they might go walking to and fro for ever , and the world might somehow be the better for it  if a thousand things it makes a noise about , were not one half so good for it , or me . agnes was one of mr . dicks friends , very soon and in often coming to the house , he made acquaintance with uriah . the friendship between himself and me increased continually , and it was maintained on this odd footing that , while mr . dick came professedly to look after me as my guardian , he always consulted me in any little matter of doubt that arose , and invariably guided himself by my advice not only having a high respect for my native sagacity , but considering that i inherited a good deal from my aunt . one thursday morning , when i was about to walk with mr . dick from the hotel to the coach office before going back to school for we had an hours school before breakfast , i met uriah in the street , who reminded me of the promise i had made to take tea with himself and his mother adding , with a writhe , but i didnt expect you to keep it , master copperfield , were so very umble . i really had not yet been able to make up my mind whether i liked uriah or detested him and i was very doubtful about it still , as i stood looking him in the face in the street . but i felt it quite an affront to be supposed proud , and said i only wanted to be asked . oh , if thats all , master copperfield , said uriah , and it really isnt our umbleness that prevents you , will you come this evening . but if it is our umbleness , i hope you wont mind owning to it , master copperfield for we are well aware of our condition . i said i would mention it to mr . wickfield , and if he approved , as i had no doubt he would , i would come with pleasure . so , at six oclock that evening , which was one of the early office evenings , i announced myself as ready , to uriah . mother will be proud , indeed , he said , as we walked away together . or she would be proud , if it wasnt sinful , master copperfield . yet you didnt mind supposing i was proud this morning , i returned . oh dear , no , master copperfield . returned uriah . oh , believe me , no . such a thought never came into my head . i shouldnt have deemed it at all proud if you had thought us too umble for you . because we are so very umble . have you been studying much law lately . i asked , to change the subject . oh , master copperfield , he said , with an air of self denial, , my reading is hardly to be called study . i have passed an hour or two in the evening , sometimes , with mr . tidd . rather hard , i suppose . said i . he is hard to me sometimes , returned uriah . but i dont know what he might be to a gifted person . after beating a little tune on his chin as he walked on , with the two forefingers of his skeleton right hand , he added there are expressions , you see , master copperfield  words and terms  mr . tidd , that are trying to a reader of my umble attainments . would you like to be taught latin . i said briskly . i will teach it you with pleasure , as i learn it . oh , thank you , master copperfield , he answered , shaking his head . i am sure its very kind of you to make the offer , but i am much too umble to accept it . what nonsense , uriah . oh , indeed you must excuse me , master copperfield . i am greatly obliged , and i should like it of all things , i assure you but i am far too umble . there are people enough to tread upon me in my lowly state , without my doing outrage to their feelings by possessing learning . learning aint for me . a person like myself had better not aspire . if he is to get on in life , he must get on umbly , master copperfield . i never saw his mouth so wide , or the creases in his cheeks so deep , as when he delivered himself of these sentiments shaking his head all the time , and writhing modestly . i think you are wrong , uriah , i said . i dare say there are several things that i could teach you , if you would like to learn them . oh , i dont doubt that , master copperfield , he answered not in the least . but not being umble yourself , you dont judge well , perhaps , for them that are . i wont provoke my betters with knowledge , thank you . im much too umble . here is my umble dwelling , master copperfield . we entered a low , old fashioned room , walked straight into from the street , and found there mrs . heep , who was the dead image of uriah , only short . she received me with the utmost humility , and apologized to me for giving her son a kiss , observing that , lowly as they were , they had their natural affections , which they hoped would give no offence to anyone . it was a perfectly decent room , half parlour and half kitchen , but not at all a snug room . the tea things were set upon the table , and the kettle was boiling on the hob . there was a chest of drawers with an escritoire top , for uriah to read or write at of an evening there was uriahs blue bag lying down and vomiting papers there was a company of uriahs books commanded by mr . tidd there was a corner cupboard and there were the usual articles of furniture . i dont remember that any individual object had a bare , pinched , spare look but i do remember that the whole place had . it was perhaps a part of mrs . heeps humility , that she still wore weeds . notwithstanding the lapse of time that had occurred since mr . heeps decease , she still wore weeds . i think there was some compromise in the cap but otherwise she was as weedy as in the early days of her mourning . this is a day to be remembered , my uriah , i am sure , said mrs . heep , making the tea , when master copperfield pays us a visit . i said youd think so , mother , said uriah . if i could have wished father to remain among us for any reason , said mrs . heep , it would have been , that he might have known his company this afternoon . i felt embarrassed by these compliments but i was sensible , too , of being entertained as an honoured guest , and i thought mrs . heep an agreeable woman . my uriah , said mrs . heep , has looked forward to this , sir , a long while . he had his fears that our umbleness stood in the way , and i joined in them myself . umble we are , umble we have been , umble we shall ever be , said mrs . heep . i am sure you have no occasion to be so , maam , i said , unless you like . thank you , sir , retorted mrs . heep . we know our station and are thankful in it . i found that mrs . heep gradually got nearer to me , and that uriah gradually got opposite to me , and that they respectfully plied me with the choicest of the eatables on the table . there was nothing particularly choice there , to be sure but i took the will for the deed , and felt that they were very attentive . presently they began to talk about aunts , and then i told them about mine and about fathers and mothers , and then i told them about mine and then mrs . heep began to talk about fathers in , and then i began to tell her about mine  stopped , because my aunt had advised me to observe a silence on that subject . a tender young cork , however , would have had no more chance against a pair of corkscrews , or a tender young tooth against a pair of dentists , or a little shuttlecock against two battledores , than i had against uriah and mrs . heep . they did just what they liked with me and wormed things out of me that i had no desire to tell , with a certainty i blush to think of , the more especially , as in my juvenile frankness , i took some credit to myself for being so confidential and felt that i was quite the patron of my two respectful entertainers . they were very fond of one another that was certain . i take it , that had its effect upon me , as a touch of nature but the skill with which the one followed up whatever the other said , was a touch of art which i was still less proof against . when there was nothing more to be got out of me about myself for on the murdstone and grinby life , and on my journey , i was dumb , they began about mr . wickfield and agnes . uriah threw the ball to mrs . heep , mrs . heep caught it and threw it back to uriah , kept it up a little while , then sent it back to mrs . heep , and so they went on tossing it about until i had no idea who had got it , and was quite bewildered . the ball itself was always changing too . now it was mr . wickfield , now agnes , now the excellence of mr . wickfield , now my admiration of agnes now the extent of mr . wickfields business and resources , now our domestic life after dinner now , the wine that mr . wickfield took , the reason why he took it , and the pity that it was he took so much now one thing , now another , then everything at once and all the time , without appearing to speak very often , or to do anything but sometimes encourage them a little , for fear they should be overcome by their humility and the honour of my company , i found myself perpetually letting out something or other that i had no business to let out and seeing the effect of it in the twinkling of uriahs dinted nostrils . i had begun to be a little uncomfortable , and to wish myself well out of the visit , when a figure coming down the street passed the door  stood open to air the room , which was warm , the weather being close for the time of year  back again , looked in , and walked in , exclaiming loudly , copperfield . is it possible . it was mr . micawber . it was mr . micawber , with his eye glass, , and his walking stick, , and his shirt collar, , and his genteel air , and the condescending roll in his voice , all complete . my dear copperfield , said mr . micawber , putting out his hand , this is indeed a meeting which is calculated to impress the mind with a sense of the instability and uncertainty of all human  short , it is a most extraordinary meeting . walking along the street , reflecting upon the probability of something turning up of which i am at present rather sanguine , i find a young but valued friend turn up , who is connected with the most eventful period of my life i may say , with the turning point of my existence . copperfield , my dear fellow , how do you do . i cannot say  really cannot say  i was glad to see mr . micawber there but i was glad to see him too , and shook hands with him , heartily , inquiring how mrs . micawber was . thank you , said mr . micawber , waving his hand as of old , and settling his chin in his shirt collar . she is tolerably convalescent . the twins no longer derive their sustenance from natures founts  short , said mr . micawber , in one of his bursts of confidence , they are weaned  mrs . micawber is , at present , my travelling companion . she will be rejoiced , copperfield , to renew her acquaintance with one who has proved himself in all respects a worthy minister at the sacred altar of friendship . i said i should be delighted to see her . you are very good , said mr . micawber . mr . micawber then smiled , settled his chin again , and looked about him . i have discovered my friend copperfield , said mr . micawber genteelly , and without addressing himself particularly to anyone , not in solitude , but partaking of a social meal in company with a widow lady , and one who is apparently her offspring  short , said mr . micawber , in another of his bursts of confidence , her son . i shall esteem it an honour to be presented . i could do no less , under these circumstances , than make mr . micawber known to uriah heep and his mother which i accordingly did . as they abased themselves before him , mr . micawber took a seat , and waved his hand in his most courtly manner . any friend of my friend copperfields , said mr . micawber , has a personal claim upon myself . we are too umble , sir , said mrs . heep , my son and me , to be the friends of master copperfield . he has been so good as take his tea with us , and we are thankful to him for his company , also to you , sir , for your notice . maam , returned mr . micawber , with a bow , you are very obliging and what are you doing , copperfield . still in the wine trade . i was excessively anxious to get mr . micawber away and replied , with my hat in my hand , and a very red face , i have no doubt , that i was a pupil at doctor strongs . a pupil . said mr . micawber , raising his eyebrows . i am extremely happy to hear it . although a mind like my friend copperfields  uriah and mrs . heep  not require that cultivation which , without his knowledge of men and things , it would require , still it is a rich soil teeming with latent vegetation  short , said mr . micawber , smiling , in another burst of confidence , it is an intellect capable of getting up the classics to any extent . uriah , with his long hands slowly twining over one another , made a ghastly writhe from the waist upwards , to express his concurrence in this estimation of me . shall we go and see mrs . micawber , sir . i said , to get mr . micawber away . if you will do her that favour , copperfield , replied mr . micawber , rising . i have no scruple in saying , in the presence of our friends here , that i am a man who has , for some years , contended against the pressure of pecuniary difficulties . i knew he was certain to say something of this kind he always would be so boastful about his difficulties . sometimes i have risen superior to my difficulties . sometimes my difficulties have  short , have floored me . there have been times when i have administered a succession of facers to them there have been times when they have been too many for me , and i have given in , and said to mrs . micawber , in the words of cato , plato , thou reasonest well . its all up now . i can show fight no more . but at no time of my life , said mr . micawber , have i enjoyed a higher degree of satisfaction than in pouring my griefs if i may describe difficulties , chiefly arising out of warrants of attorney and promissory notes at two and four months , by that word into the bosom of my friend copperfield . mr . micawber closed this handsome tribute by saying , mr . heep . good evening . mrs . heep . your servant , and then walking out with me in his most fashionable manner , making a good deal of noise on the pavement with his shoes , and humming a tune as we went . it was a little inn where mr . micawber put up , and he occupied a little room in it , partitioned off from the commercial room , and strongly flavoured with tobacco smoke . i think it was over the kitchen , because a warm greasy smell appeared to come up through the chinks in the floor , and there was a flabby perspiration on the walls . i know it was near the bar , on account of the smell of spirits and jingling of glasses . here , recumbent on a small sofa , underneath a picture of a race horse, , with her head close to the fire , and her feet pushing the mustard off the dumb waiter at the other end of the room , was mrs . micawber , to whom mr . micawber entered first , saying , my dear , allow me to introduce to you a pupil of doctor strongs . i noticed , by the by , that although mr . micawber was just as much confused as ever about my age and standing , he always remembered , as a genteel thing , that i was a pupil of doctor strongs . mrs . micawber was amazed , but very glad to see me . i was very glad to see her too , and , after an affectionate greeting on both sides , sat down on the small sofa near her . my dear , said mr . micawber , if you will mention to copperfield what our present position is , which i have no doubt he will like to know , i will go and look at the paper the while , and see whether anything turns up among the advertisements . i thought you were at plymouth , maam , i said to mrs . micawber , as he went out . my dear master copperfield , she replied , we went to plymouth . to be on the spot , i hinted . just so , said mrs . micawber . to be on the spot . but , the truth is , talent is not wanted in the custom house . the local influence of my family was quite unavailing to obtain any employment in that department , for a man of mr . micawbers abilities . they would rather not have a man of mr . micawbers abilities . he would only show the deficiency of the others . apart from which , said mrs . micawber , i will not disguise from you , my dear master copperfield , that when that branch of my family which is settled in plymouth , became aware that mr . micawber was accompanied by myself , and by little wilkins and his sister , and by the twins , they did not receive him with that ardour which he might have expected , being so newly released from captivity . in fact , said mrs . micawber , lowering her voice  , is between ourselves  reception was cool . dear me . i said . yes , said mrs . micawber . it is truly painful to contemplate mankind in such an aspect , master copperfield , but our reception was , decidedly , cool . there is no doubt about it . in fact , that branch of my family which is settled in plymouth became quite personal to mr . micawber , before we had been there a week . i said , and thought , that they ought to be ashamed of themselves . still , so it was , continued mrs . micawber . under such circumstances , what could a man of mr . micawbers spirit do . but one obvious course was left . to borrow , of that branch of my family , the money to return to london , and to return at any sacrifice . then you all came back again , maam . i said . we all came back again , replied mrs . micawber . since then , i have consulted other branches of my family on the course which it is most expedient for mr . micawber to take  i maintain that he must take some course , master copperfield , said mrs . micawber , argumentatively . it is clear that a family of six , not including a domestic , cannot live upon air . certainly , maam , said i . the opinion of those other branches of my family , pursued mrs . micawber , is , that mr . micawber should immediately turn his attention to coals . to what , maam . to coals , said mrs . micawber . to the coal trade . mr . micawber was induced to think , on inquiry , that there might be an opening for a man of his talent in the medway coal trade . then , as mr . micawber very properly said , the first step to be taken clearly was , to come and see the medway . which we came and saw . i say we , master copperfield for i never will , said mrs . micawber with emotion , i never will desert mr . micawber . i murmured my admiration and approbation . we came , repeated mrs . micawber , and saw the medway . my opinion of the coal trade on that river is , that it may require talent , but that it certainly requires capital . talent , mr . micawber has capital , mr . micawber has not . we saw , i think , the greater part of the medway and that is my individual conclusion . being so near here , mr . micawber was of opinion that it would be rash not to come on , and see the cathedral . firstly , on account of its being so well worth seeing , and our never having seen it and secondly , on account of the great probability of something turning up in a cathedral town . we have been here , said mrs . micawber , three days . nothing has , as yet , turned up and it may not surprise you , my dear master copperfield , so much as it would a stranger , to know that we are at present waiting for a remittance from london , to discharge our pecuniary obligations at this hotel . until the arrival of that remittance , said mrs . micawber with much feeling , i am cut off from my home from my boy and girl , and from my twins . i felt the utmost sympathy for mr . and mrs . micawber in this anxious extremity , and said as much to mr . micawber , who now returned adding that i only wished i had money enough , to lend them the amount they needed . mr . micawbers answer expressed the disturbance of his mind . he said , shaking hands with me , copperfield , you are a true friend but when the worst comes to the worst , no man is without a friend who is possessed of shaving materials . at this dreadful hint mrs . micawber threw her arms round mr . micawbers neck and entreated him to be calm . he wept but so far recovered , almost immediately , as to ring the bell for the waiter , and bespeak a hot kidney pudding and a plate of shrimps for breakfast in the morning . when i took my leave of them , they both pressed me so much to come and dine before they went away , that i could not refuse . but , as i knew i could not come next day , when i should have a good deal to prepare in the evening , mr . micawber arranged that he would call at doctor strongs in the course of the morning having a presentiment that the remittance would arrive by that post , and propose the day after , if it would suit me better . accordingly i was called out of school next forenoon , and found mr . micawber in the parlour who had called to say that the dinner would take place as proposed . when i asked him if the remittance had come , he pressed my hand and departed . as i was looking out of window that same evening , it surprised me , and made me rather uneasy , to see mr . micawber and uriah heep walk past , arm in arm uriah humbly sensible of the honour that was done him , and mr . micawber taking a bland delight in extending his patronage to uriah . but i was still more surprised , when i went to the little hotel next day at the appointed dinner hour, , which was four oclock , to find , from what mr . micawber said , that he had gone home with uriah , and had drunk brandy and at mrs . heeps . and ill tell you what , my dear copperfield , said mr . micawber , your friend heep is a young fellow who might be attorney general . if i had known that young man , at the period when my difficulties came to a crisis , all i can say is , that i believe my creditors would have been a great deal better managed than they were . i hardly understood how this could have been , seeing that mr . micawber had paid them nothing at all as it was but i did not like to ask . neither did i like to say , that i hoped he had not been too communicative to uriah or to inquire if they had talked much about me . i was afraid of hurting mr . micawbers feelings , or , at all events , mrs . micawbers , she being very sensitive but i was uncomfortable about it , too , and often thought about it afterwards . we had a beautiful little dinner . quite an elegant dish of fish the kidney end of a loin of veal , roasted fried sausage meat a partridge , and a pudding . there was wine , and there was strong ale and after dinner mrs . micawber made us a bowl of hot punch with her own hands . mr . micawber was uncommonly convivial . i never saw him such good company . he made his face shine with the punch , so that it looked as if it had been varnished all over . he got cheerfully sentimental about the town , and proposed success to it observing that mrs . micawber and himself had been made extremely snug and comfortable there and that he never should forget the agreeable hours they had passed in canterbury . he proposed me afterwards and he , and mrs . micawber , and i , took a review of our past acquaintance , in the course of which we sold the property all over again . then i proposed mrs . micawber or , at least , said , modestly , if youll allow me , mrs . micawber , i shall now have the pleasure of drinking your health , maam . on which mr . micawber delivered an eulogium on mrs . micawbers character , and said she had ever been his guide , philosopher , and friend , and that he would recommend me , when i came to a marrying time of life , to marry such another woman , if such another woman could be found . as the punch disappeared , mr . micawber became still more friendly and convivial . mrs . micawbers spirits becoming elevated , too , we sang auld lang syne . when we came to heres a hand , my trusty frere , we all joined hands round the table and when we declared we would take a right gude willie waught , and hadnt the least idea what it meant , we were really affected . in a word , i never saw anybody so thoroughly jovial as mr . micawber was , down to the very last moment of the evening , when i took a hearty farewell of himself and his amiable wife . consequently , i was not prepared , at seven oclock next morning , to receive the following communication , dated half past nine in the evening a quarter of an hour after i had left him  my dear young friend , the die is cast  is over . hiding the ravages of care with a sickly mask of mirth , i have not informed you , this evening , that there is no hope of the remittance . under these circumstances , alike humiliating to endure , humiliating to contemplate , and humiliating to relate , i have discharged the pecuniary liability contracted at this establishment , by giving a note of hand , made payable fourteen days after date , at my residence , pentonville , london . when it becomes due , it will not be taken up . the result is destruction . the bolt is impending , and the tree must fall . let the wretched man who now addresses you , my dear copperfield , be a beacon to you through life . he writes with that intention , and in that hope . if he could think himself of so much use , one gleam of day might , by possibility , penetrate into the cheerless dungeon of his remaining existence  his longevity is , at present extremely problematical . this is the last communication , my dear copperfield , you will ever receive from the beggared outcast , wilkins micawber . i was so shocked by the contents of this heart rending letter , that i ran off directly towards the little hotel with the intention of taking it on my way to doctor strongs , and trying to soothe mr . micawber with a word of comfort . but , half way there , i met the london coach with mr . and mrs . micawber up behind mr . micawber , the very picture of tranquil enjoyment , smiling at mrs . micawbers conversation , eating walnuts out of a paper bag , with a bottle sticking out of his breast pocket . as they did not see me , i thought it best , all things considered , not to see them . so , with a great weight taken off my mind , i turned into a by street that was the nearest way to school , and felt , upon the whole , relieved that they were gone though i still liked them very much , nevertheless . chapter . a retrospect my school days . the silent gliding on of my existence  unseen , unfelt progress of my life  childhood up to youth . let me think , as i look back upon that flowing water , now a dry channel overgrown with leaves , whether there are any marks along its course , by which i can remember how it ran . a moment , and i occupy my place in the cathedral , where we all went together , every sunday morning , assembling first at school for that purpose . the earthy smell , the sunless air , the sensation of the world being shut out , the resounding of the organ through the black and white arched galleries and aisles , are wings that take me back , and hold me hovering above those days , in a half sleeping and half waking dream . i am not the last boy in the school . i have risen in a few months , over several heads . but the first boy seems to me a mighty creature , dwelling afar off , whose giddy height is unattainable . agnes says no , but i say yes , and tell her that she little thinks what stores of knowledge have been mastered by the wonderful being , at whose place she thinks i , even i , weak aspirant , may arrive in time . he is not my private friend and public patron , as steerforth was , but i hold him in a reverential respect . i chiefly wonder what hell be , when he leaves doctor strongs , and what mankind will do to maintain any place against him . but who is this that breaks upon me . this is miss shepherd , whom i love . miss shepherd is a boarder at the misses nettingalls establishment . i adore miss shepherd . she is a little girl , in a spencer , with a round face and curly flaxen hair . the misses nettingalls young ladies come to the cathedral too . i cannot look upon my book , for i must look upon miss shepherd . when the choristers chaunt , i hear miss shepherd . in the service i mentally insert miss shepherds name  put her in among the royal family . at home , in my own room , i am sometimes moved to cry out , oh , miss shepherd . in a transport of love . for some time , i am doubtful of miss shepherds feelings , but , at length , fate being propitious , we meet at the dancing school . i have miss shepherd for my partner . i touch miss shepherds glove , and feel a thrill go up the right arm of my jacket , and come out at my hair . i say nothing to miss shepherd , but we understand each other . miss shepherd and myself live but to be united . why do i secretly give miss shepherd twelve brazil nuts for a present , i wonder . they are not expressive of affection , they are difficult to pack into a parcel of any regular shape , they are hard to crack , even in room doors , and they are oily when cracked yet i feel that they are appropriate to miss shepherd . soft , seedy biscuits , also , i bestow upon miss shepherd and oranges innumerable . once , i kiss miss shepherd in the cloak room . ecstasy . what are my agony and indignation next day , when i hear a flying rumour that the misses nettingall have stood miss shepherd in the stocks for turning in her toes . miss shepherd being the one pervading theme and vision of my life , how do i ever come to break with her . i cant conceive . and yet a coolness grows between miss shepherd and myself . whispers reach me of miss shepherd having said she wished i wouldnt stare so , and having avowed a preference for master jones  . a boy of no merit whatever . the gulf between me and miss shepherd widens . at last , one day , i meet the misses nettingalls establishment out walking . miss shepherd makes a face as she goes by , and laughs to her companion . all is over . the devotion of a life  seems a life , it is all the same  at an end miss shepherd comes out of the morning service , and the royal family know her no more . i am higher in the school , and no one breaks my peace . i am not at all polite , now , to the misses nettingalls young ladies , and shouldnt dote on any of them , if they were twice as many and twenty times as beautiful . i think the dancing school a tiresome affair , and wonder why the girls cant dance by themselves and leave us alone . i am growing great in latin verses , and neglect the laces of my boots . doctor strong refers to me in public as a promising young scholar . mr . dick is wild with joy , and my aunt remits me a guinea by the next post . the shade of a young butcher rises , like the apparition of an armed head in macbeth . who is this young butcher . he is the terror of the youth of canterbury . there is a vague belief abroad , that the beef suet with which he anoints his hair gives him unnatural strength , and that he is a match for a man . he is a broad faced, , bull necked, , young butcher , with rough red cheeks , an ill conditioned mind , and an injurious tongue . his main use of this tongue , is , to disparage doctor strongs young gentlemen . he says , publicly , that if they want anything hell give it em . he names individuals among them whom he could undertake to settle with one hand , and the other tied behind him . he waylays the smaller boys to punch their unprotected heads , and calls challenges after me in the open streets . for these sufficient reasons i resolve to fight the butcher . it is a summer evening , down in a green hollow , at the corner of a wall . i meet the butcher by appointment . i am attended by a select body of our boys the butcher , by two other butchers , a young publican , and a sweep . the preliminaries are adjusted , and the butcher and myself stand face to face . in a moment the butcher lights ten thousand candles out of my left eyebrow . in another moment , i dont know where the wall is , or where i am , or where anybody is . i hardly know which is myself and which the butcher , we are always in such a tangle and tussle , knocking about upon the trodden grass . sometimes i see the butcher , bloody but confident sometimes i see nothing , and sit gasping on my seconds knee sometimes i go in at the butcher madly , and cut my knuckles open against his face , without appearing to discompose him at all . at last i awake , very queer about the head , as from a giddy sleep , and see the butcher walking off , congratulated by the two other butchers and the sweep and publican , and putting on his coat as he goes from which i augur , justly , that the victory is his . i am taken home in a sad plight , and i have beef steaks put to my eyes , and am rubbed with vinegar and brandy , and find a great puffy place bursting out on my upper lip , which swells immoderately . for three or four days i remain at home , a very ill looking subject , with a green shade over my eyes and i should be very dull , but that agnes is a sister to me , and condoles with me , and reads to me , and makes the time light and happy . agnes has my confidence completely , always i tell her all about the butcher , and the wrongs he has heaped upon me she thinks i couldnt have done otherwise than fight the butcher , while she shrinks and trembles at my having fought him . time has stolen on unobserved , for adams is not the head boy in the days that are come now , nor has he been this many and many a day . adams has left the school so long , that when he comes back , on a visit to doctor strong , there are not many there , besides myself , who know him . adams is going to be called to the bar almost directly , and is to be an advocate , and to wear a wig . i am surprised to find him a meeker man than i had thought , and less imposing in appearance . he has not staggered the world yet , either for it goes on pretty much the same as if he had never joined it . a blank , through which the warriors of poetry and history march on in stately hosts that seem to have no end  what comes next . i am the head boy, , now . i look down on the line of boys below me , with a condescending interest in such of them as bring to my mind the boy i was myself , when i first came there . that little fellow seems to be no part of me i remember him as something left behind upon the road of life  something i have passed , rather than have actually been  almost think of him as of someone else . and the little girl i saw on that first day at mr . wickfields , where is she . gone also . in her stead , the perfect likeness of the picture , a child likeness no more , moves about the house and agnes  sweet sister , as i call her in my thoughts , my counsellor and friend , the better angel of the lives of all who come within her calm , good , self denying influence  quite a woman . what other changes have come upon me , besides the changes in my growth and looks , and in the knowledge i have garnered all this while . i wear a gold watch and chain , a ring upon my little finger , and a long tailed coat and i use a great deal of bears grease  , taken in conjunction with the ring , looks bad . am i in love again . i am . i worship the eldest miss larkins . the eldest miss larkins is not a little girl . she is a tall , dark , black eyed, , fine figure of a woman . the eldest miss larkins is not a chicken for the youngest miss larkins is not that , and the eldest must be three or four years older . perhaps the eldest miss larkins may be about thirty . my passion for her is beyond all bounds . the eldest miss larkins knows officers . it is an awful thing to bear . i see them speaking to her in the street . i see them cross the way to meet her , when her bonnet is seen coming down the pavement , accompanied by her sisters bonnet . she laughs and talks , and seems to like it . i spend a good deal of my own spare time in walking up and down to meet her . if i can bow to her once in the day i know her to bow to , knowing mr . larkins , i am happier . i deserve a bow now and then . the raging agonies i suffer on the night of the race ball , where i know the eldest miss larkins will be dancing with the military , ought to have some compensation , if there be even handed justice in the world . my passion takes away my appetite , and makes me wear my newest silk neckerchief continually . i have no relief but in putting on my best clothes , and having my boots cleaned over and over again . i seem , then , to be worthier of the eldest miss larkins . everything that belongs to her , or is connected with her , is precious to me . mr . larkins a gruff old gentleman with a double chin , and one of his eyes immovable in his head is fraught with interest to me . when i cant meet his daughter , i go where i am likely to meet him . to say how do you do , mr . larkins . are the young ladies and all the family quite well . seems so pointed , that i blush . i think continually about my age . say i am seventeen , and say that seventeen is young for the eldest miss larkins , what of that . besides , i shall be one and in no time almost . i regularly take walks outside mr . larkinss house in the evening , though it cuts me to the heart to see the officers go in , or to hear them up in the drawing room, , where the eldest miss larkins plays the harp . i even walk , on two or three occasions , in a sickly , spoony manner , round and round the house after the family are gone to bed , wondering which is the eldest miss larkinss chamber and pitching , i dare say now , on mr . larkinss instead wishing that a fire would burst out that the assembled crowd would stand appalled that i , dashing through them with a ladder , might rear it against her window , save her in my arms , go back for something she had left behind , and perish in the flames . for i am generally disinterested in my love , and think i could be content to make a figure before miss larkins , and expire . generally , but not always . sometimes brighter visions rise before me . when i dress for a great ball given at the larkinss i indulge my fancy with pleasing images . i picture myself taking courage to make a declaration to miss larkins . i picture miss larkins sinking her head upon my shoulder , and saying , oh , mr . copperfield , can i believe my ears . i picture mr . larkins waiting on me next morning , and saying , my dear copperfield , my daughter has told me all . youth is no objection . here are twenty thousand pounds . be happy . i picture my aunt relenting , and blessing us and mr . dick and doctor strong being present at the marriage ceremony . i am a sensible fellow , i believe  on looking back , i mean  modest i am sure but all this goes on notwithstanding . i repair to the enchanted house , where there are lights , chattering , music , flowers , officers and the eldest miss larkins , a blaze of beauty . she is dressed in blue , with blue flowers in her hair  if she had any need to wear forget me . it is the first really grown up party that i have ever been invited to , and i am a little uncomfortable for i appear not to belong to anybody , and nobody appears to have anything to say to me , except mr . larkins , who asks me how my schoolfellows are , which he neednt do , as i have not come there to be insulted . but after i have stood in the doorway for some time , and feasted my eyes upon the goddess of my heart , she approaches me  , the eldest miss larkins . asks me pleasantly , if i dance . i stammer , with a bow , with you , miss larkins . with no one else . inquires miss larkins . i should have no pleasure in dancing with anyone else . miss larkins laughs and blushes and says , next time but one , i shall be very glad . the time arrives . it is a waltz , i think , miss larkins doubtfully observes , when i present myself . do you waltz . if not , captain bailey  but i do waltz and i take miss larkins out . i take her sternly from the side of captain bailey . he is wretched , i have no doubt but he is nothing to me . i have been wretched , too . i waltz with the eldest miss larkins . i dont know where , among whom , or how long . i only know that i swim about in space , with a blue angel , in a state of blissful delirium , until i find myself alone with her in a little room , resting on a sofa . she admires a flower pink camellia japonica , price half a , in my button hole . i give it her , and say i ask an inestimable price for it , miss larkins . indeed . what is that . returns miss larkins . a flower of yours , that i may treasure it as a miser does gold . youre a bold boy , says miss larkins . there . she gives it me , not displeased and i put it to my lips , and then into my breast . miss larkins , laughing , draws her hand through my arm , and says , now take me back to captain bailey . i am lost in the recollection of this delicious interview , and the waltz , when she comes to me again , with a plain elderly gentleman who has been playing whist all night , upon her arm , and says oh . here is my bold friend . mr . chestle wants to know you , mr . copperfield . i feel at once that he is a friend of the family , and am much gratified . i admire your taste , sir , says mr . chestle . it does you credit . i suppose you dont take much interest in hops but i am a pretty large grower myself and if you ever like to come over to our neighbourhood  of ashford  take a run about our place  , shall be glad for you to stop as long as you like . i thank mr . chestle warmly , and shake hands . i think i am in a happy dream . i waltz with the eldest miss larkins once again . she says i waltz so well . i go home in a state of unspeakable bliss , and waltz in imagination , all night long , with my arm round the blue waist of my dear divinity . for some days afterwards , i am lost in rapturous reflections but i neither see her in the street , nor when i call . i am imperfectly consoled for this disappointment by the sacred pledge , the perished flower . trotwood , says agnes , one day after dinner . who do you think is going to be married tomorrow . someone you admire . not you , i suppose , agnes . not me . raising her cheerful face from the music she is copying . do you hear him , papa . eldest miss larkins . to  captain bailey . i have just enough power to ask . no to no captain . to mr . chestle , a hop grower . i am terribly dejected for about a week or two . i take off my ring , i wear my worst clothes , i use no bears grease , and i frequently lament over the late miss larkinss faded flower . being , by that time , rather tired of this kind of life , and having received new provocation from the butcher , i throw the flower away , go out with the butcher , and gloriously defeat him . this , and the resumption of my ring , as well as of the bears grease in moderation , are the last marks i can discern , now , in my progress to seventeen . chapter . i look about me , and make a discovery i am doubtful whether i was at heart glad or sorry , when my school days drew to an end , and the time came for my leaving doctor strongs . i had been very happy there , i had a great attachment for the doctor , and i was eminent and distinguished in that little world . for these reasons i was sorry to go but for other reasons , unsubstantial enough , i was glad . misty ideas of being a young man at my own disposal , of the importance attaching to a young man at his own disposal , of the wonderful things to be seen and done by that magnificent animal , and the wonderful effects he could not fail to make upon society , lured me away . so powerful were these visionary considerations in my boyish mind , that i seem , according to my present way of thinking , to have left school without natural regret . the separation has not made the impression on me , that other separations have . i try in vain to recall how i felt about it , and what its circumstances were but it is not momentous in my recollection . i suppose the opening prospect confused me . i know that my juvenile experiences went for little or nothing then and that life was more like a great fairy story , which i was just about to begin to read , than anything else . my aunt and i had held many grave deliberations on the calling to which i should be devoted . for a year or more i had endeavoured to find a satisfactory answer to her often repeated question , what i would like to be . but i had no particular liking , that i could discover , for anything . if i could have been inspired with a knowledge of the science of navigation , taken the command of a fast sailing expedition , and gone round the world on a triumphant voyage of discovery , i think i might have considered myself completely suited . but , in the absence of any such miraculous provision , my desire was to apply myself to some pursuit that would not lie too heavily upon her purse and to do my duty in it , whatever it might be . mr . dick had regularly assisted at our councils , with a meditative and sage demeanour . he never made a suggestion but once and on that occasion he suddenly proposed that i should be a brazier . my aunt received this proposal so very ungraciously , that he never ventured on a second but ever afterwards confined himself to looking watchfully at her for her suggestions , and rattling his money . trot , i tell you what , my dear , said my aunt , one morning in the christmas season when i left school as this knotty point is still unsettled , and as we must not make a mistake in our decision if we can help it , i think we had better take a little breathing time . in the meanwhile , you must try to look at it from a new point of view , and not as a schoolboy . i will , aunt . it has occurred to me , pursued my aunt , that a little change , and a glimpse of life out of doors , may be useful in helping you to know your own mind , and form a cooler judgement . suppose you were to go down into the old part of the country again , for instance , and see that  out of woman with the savagest of names , said my aunt , rubbing her nose , for she could never thoroughly forgive peggotty for being so called . of all things in the world , aunt , i should like it best . well , said my aunt , thats lucky , for i should like it too . but its natural and rational that you should like it . and i am very well persuaded that whatever you do , trot , will always be natural and rational . i hope so , aunt . your sister , betsey trotwood , said my aunt , would have been as natural and rational a girl as ever breathed . youll be worthy of her , wont you . i hope i shall be worthy of you , aunt . that will be enough for me . its a mercy that poor dear baby of a mother of yours didnt live , said my aunt , looking at me approvingly , or shed have been so vain of her boy by this time , that her soft little head would have been completely turned , if there was anything of it left to turn . my aunt always excused any weakness of her own in my behalf , by transferring it in this way to my poor mother . bless me , trotwood , how you do remind me of her . pleasantly , i hope , aunt . said i . hes as like her , dick , said my aunt , emphatically , hes as like her , as she was that afternoon before she began to fret  my heart , hes as like her , as he can look at me out of his two eyes . is he indeed . said mr . dick . and hes like david , too , said my aunt , decisively . he is very like david . said mr . dick . but what i want you to be , trot , resumed my aunt , dont mean physically , but morally you are very well physically  , a firm fellow . a fine firm fellow , with a will of your own . with resolution , said my aunt , shaking her cap at me , and clenching her hand . with determination . with character , trot  strength of character that is not to be influenced , except on good reason , by anybody , or by anything . thats what i want you to be . thats what your father and mother might both have been , heaven knows , and been the better for it . i intimated that i hoped i should be what she described . that you may begin , in a small way , to have a reliance upon yourself , and to act for yourself , said my aunt , i shall send you upon your trip , alone . i did think , once , of mr . dicks going with you but , on second thoughts , i shall keep him to take care of me . mr . dick , for a moment , looked a little disappointed until the honour and dignity of having to take care of the most wonderful woman in the world , restored the sunshine to his face . besides , said my aunt , theres the memorial  oh , certainly , said mr . dick , in a hurry , i intend , trotwood , to get that done immediately  really must be done immediately . and then it will go in , you know  then  said mr . dick , after checking himself , and pausing a long time , therell be a pretty kettle of fish . in pursuance of my aunts kind scheme , i was shortly afterwards fitted out with a handsome purse of money , and a portmanteau , and tenderly dismissed upon my expedition . at parting , my aunt gave me some good advice , and a good many kisses and said that as her object was that i should look about me , and should think a little , she would recommend me to stay a few days in london , if i liked it , either on my way down into suffolk , or in coming back . in a word , i was at liberty to do what i would , for three weeks or a month and no other conditions were imposed upon my freedom than the before mentioned thinking and looking about me , and a pledge to write three times a week and faithfully report myself . i went to canterbury first , that i might take leave of agnes and mr . wickfield and also of the good doctor . agnes was very glad to see me , and told me that the house had not been like itself since i had left it . i am sure i am not like myself when i am away , said i . i seem to want my right hand , when i miss you . though thats not saying much for theres no head in my right hand , and no heart . everyone who knows you , consults with you , and is guided by you , agnes . everyone who knows me , spoils me , i believe , she answered , smiling . no . its because you are like no one else . you are so good , and so sweet tempered . you have such a gentle nature , and you are always right . you talk , said agnes , breaking into a pleasant laugh , as she sat at work , as if i were the late miss larkins . come . its not fair to abuse my confidence , i answered , reddening at the recollection of my blue enslaver . but i shall confide in you , just the same , agnes . i can never grow out of that . whenever i fall into trouble , or fall in love , i shall always tell you , if youll let me  when i come to fall in love in earnest . why , you have always been in earnest . said agnes , laughing again . oh . that was as a child , or a schoolboy , said i , laughing in my turn , not without being a little shame faced . times are altering now , and i suppose i shall be in a terrible state of earnestness one day or other . my wonder is , that you are not in earnest yourself , by this time , agnes . agnes laughed again , and shook her head . oh , i know you are not . said i , because if you had been you would have told me . or at least  i saw a faint blush in her face , you would have let me find it out for myself . but there is no one that i know of , who deserves to love you , agnes . someone of a nobler character , and more worthy altogether than anyone i have ever seen here , must rise up , before i give my consent . in the time to come , i shall have a wary eye on all admirers and shall exact a great deal from the successful one , i assure you . we had gone on , so far , in a mixture of confidential jest and earnest , that had long grown naturally out of our familiar relations , begun as mere children . but agnes , now suddenly lifting up her eyes to mine , and speaking in a different manner , said trotwood , there is something that i want to ask you , and that i may not have another opportunity of asking for a long time , perhaps  i would ask , i think , of no one else . have you observed any gradual alteration in papa . i had observed it , and had often wondered whether she had too . i must have shown as much , now , in my face for her eyes were in a moment cast down , and i saw tears in them . tell me what it is , she said , in a low voice . i think  i be quite plain , agnes , liking him so much . yes , she said . i think he does himself no good by the habit that has increased upon him since i first came here . he is often very nervous  i fancy so . it is not fancy , said agnes , shaking her head . his hand trembles , his speech is not plain , and his eyes look wild . i have remarked that at those times , and when he is least like himself , he is most certain to be wanted on some business . by uriah , said agnes . yes and the sense of being unfit for it , or of not having understood it , or of having shown his condition in spite of himself , seems to make him so uneasy , that next day he is worse , and next day worse , and so he becomes jaded and haggard . do not be alarmed by what i say , agnes , but in this state i saw him , only the other evening , lay down his head upon his desk , and shed tears like a child . her hand passed softly before my lips while i was yet speaking , and in a moment she had met her father at the door of the room , and was hanging on his shoulder . the expression of her face , as they both looked towards me , i felt to be very touching . there was such deep fondness for him , and gratitude to him for all his love and care , in her beautiful look and there was such a fervent appeal to me to deal tenderly by him , even in my inmost thoughts , and to let no harsh construction find any place against him she was , at once , so proud of him and devoted to him , yet so compassionate and sorry , and so reliant upon me to be so , too that nothing she could have said would have expressed more to me , or moved me more . we were to drink tea at the doctors . we went there at the usual hour and round the study fireside found the doctor , and his young wife , and her mother . the doctor , who made as much of my going away as if i were going to china , received me as an honoured guest and called for a log of wood to be thrown on the fire , that he might see the face of his old pupil reddening in the blaze . i shall not see many more new faces in trotwoods stead , wickfield , said the doctor , warming his hands i am getting lazy , and want ease . i shall relinquish all my young people in another six months , and lead a quieter life . you have said so , any time these ten years , doctor , mr . wickfield answered . but now i mean to do it , returned the doctor . my first master will succeed me  am in earnest at last  youll soon have to arrange our contracts , and to bind us firmly to them , like a couple of knaves . and to take care , said mr . wickfield , that youre not imposed on , eh . as you certainly would be , in any contract you should make for yourself . well . i am ready . there are worse tasks than that , in my calling . i shall have nothing to think of then , said the doctor , with a smile , but my dictionary and this other contract bargain . as mr . wickfield glanced towards her , sitting at the tea table by agnes , she seemed to me to avoid his look with such unwonted hesitation and timidity , that his attention became fixed upon her , as if something were suggested to his thoughts . there is a post come in from india , i observe , he said , after a short silence . by the by . and letters from mr . jack maldon . said the doctor . indeed . poor dear jack . said mrs . markleham , shaking her head . that trying climate . living , they tell me , on a sand heap, , underneath a burning glass . he looked strong , but he wasnt . my dear doctor , it was his spirit , not his constitution , that he ventured on so boldly . annie , my dear , i am sure you must perfectly recollect that your cousin never was strong  what can be called robust , you know , said mrs . markleham , with emphasis , and looking round upon us generally , the time when my daughter and himself were children together , and walking about , arm in , the livelong day . annie , thus addressed , made no reply . do i gather from what you say , maam , that mr . maldon is ill . asked mr . wickfield . ill . replied the old soldier . my dear sir , hes all sorts of things . except well . said mr . wickfield . except well , indeed . said the old soldier . he has had dreadful strokes of the sun , no doubt , and jungle fevers and agues , and every kind of thing you can mention . as to his liver , said the old soldier resignedly , that , of course , he gave up altogether , when he first went out . does he say all this . asked mr . wickfield . say . my dear sir , returned mrs . markleham , shaking her head and her fan , you little know my poor jack maldon when you ask that question . say . not he . you might drag him at the heels of four wild horses first . mama . said mrs . strong . annie , my dear , returned her mother , once for all , i must really beg that you will not interfere with me , unless it is to confirm what i say . you know as well as i do that your cousin maldon would be dragged at the heels of any number of wild horses  should i confine myself to four . i wont confine myself to four  , sixteen , two and , rather than say anything calculated to overturn the doctors plans . wickfields plans , said the doctor , stroking his face , and looking penitently at his adviser . that is to say , our joint plans for him . i said myself , abroad or at home . and i said added mr . wickfield gravely , abroad . i was the means of sending him abroad . its my responsibility . oh . responsibility . said the old soldier . everything was done for the best , my dear mr . wickfield everything was done for the kindest and best , we know . but if the dear fellow cant live there , he cant live there . and if he cant live there , hell die there , sooner than hell overturn the doctors plans . i know him , said the old soldier , fanning herself , in a sort of calm prophetic agony , and i know hell die there , sooner than hell overturn the doctors plans . well , maam , said the doctor cheerfully , i am not bigoted to my plans , and i can overturn them myself . i can substitute some other plans . if mr . jack maldon comes home on account of ill health , he must not be allowed to go back , and we must endeavour to make some more suitable and fortunate provision for him in this country . mrs . markleham was so overcome by this generous speech  , i need not say , she had not at all expected or led up to  she could only tell the doctor it was like himself , and go several times through that operation of kissing the sticks of her fan , and then tapping his hand with it . after which she gently chid her daughter annie , for not being more demonstrative when such kindnesses were showered , for her sake , on her old playfellow and entertained us with some particulars concerning other deserving members of her family , whom it was desirable to set on their deserving legs . all this time , her daughter annie never once spoke , or lifted up her eyes . all this time , mr . wickfield had his glance upon her as she sat by his own daughters side . it appeared to me that he never thought of being observed by anyone but was so intent upon her , and upon his own thoughts in connexion with her , as to be quite absorbed . he now asked what mr . jack maldon had actually written in reference to himself , and to whom he had written . why , here , said mrs . markleham , taking a letter from the chimney piece above the doctors head , the dear fellow says to the doctor himself  is it . oh . am sorry to inform you that my health is suffering severely , and that i fear i may be reduced to the necessity of returning home for a time , as the only hope of restoration . thats pretty plain , poor fellow . his only hope of restoration . but annies letter is plainer still . annie , show me that letter again . not now , mama , she pleaded in a low tone . my dear , you absolutely are , on some subjects , one of the most ridiculous persons in the world , returned her mother , and perhaps the most unnatural to the claims of your own family . we never should have heard of the letter at all , i believe , unless i had asked for it myself . do you call that confidence , my love , towards doctor strong . i am surprised . you ought to know better . the letter was reluctantly produced and as i handed it to the old lady , i saw how the unwilling hand from which i took it , trembled . now let us see , said mrs . markleham , putting her glass to her eye , where the passage is . the remembrance of old times , my dearest annie  so forth  not there . the amiable old proctor  he . dear me , annie , how illegibly your cousin maldon writes , and how stupid i am . doctor , of course . ah . amiable indeed . here she left off , to kiss her fan again , and shake it at the doctor , who was looking at us in a state of placid satisfaction . now i have found it . you may not be surprised to hear , annie  , to be sure , knowing that he never was really strong what did i say just now . i have undergone so much in this distant place , as to have decided to leave it at all hazards on sick leave , if i can on total resignation , if that is not to be obtained . what i have endured , and do endure here , is insupportable . and but for the promptitude of that best of creatures , said mrs . markleham , telegraphing the doctor as before , and refolding the letter , it would be insupportable to me to think of . mr . wickfield said not one word , though the old lady looked to him as if for his commentary on this intelligence but sat severely silent , with his eyes fixed on the ground . long after the subject was dismissed , and other topics occupied us , he remained so seldom raising his eyes , unless to rest them for a moment , with a thoughtful frown , upon the doctor , or his wife , or both . the doctor was very fond of music . agnes sang with great sweetness and expression , and so did mrs . strong . they sang together , and played duets together , and we had quite a little concert . but i remarked two things first , that though annie soon recovered her composure , and was quite herself , there was a blank between her and mr . wickfield which separated them wholly from each other secondly , that mr . wickfield seemed to dislike the intimacy between her and agnes , and to watch it with uneasiness . and now , i must confess , the recollection of what i had seen on that night when mr . maldon went away , first began to return upon me with a meaning it had never had , and to trouble me . the innocent beauty of her face was not as innocent to me as it had been i mistrusted the natural grace and charm of her manner and when i looked at agnes by her side , and thought how good and true agnes was , suspicions arose within me that it was an ill assorted friendship . she was so happy in it herself , however , and the other was so happy too , that they made the evening fly away as if it were but an hour . it closed in an incident which i well remember . they were taking leave of each other , and agnes was going to embrace her and kiss her , when mr . wickfield stepped between them , as if by accident , and drew agnes quickly away . then i saw , as though all the intervening time had been cancelled , and i were still standing in the doorway on the night of the departure , the expression of that night in the face of mrs . strong , as it confronted his . i cannot say what an impression this made upon me , or how impossible i found it , when i thought of her afterwards , to separate her from this look , and remember her face in its innocent loveliness again . it haunted me when i got home . i seemed to have left the doctors roof with a dark cloud lowering on it . the reverence that i had for his grey head , was mingled with commiseration for his faith in those who were treacherous to him , and with resentment against those who injured him . the impending shadow of a great affliction , and a great disgrace that had no distinct form in it yet , fell like a stain upon the quiet place where i had worked and played as a boy , and did it a cruel wrong . i had no pleasure in thinking , any more , of the grave old broad leaved aloe trees, , which remained shut up in themselves a hundred years together , and of the trim smooth grass plot, , and the stone urns , and the doctors walk , and the congenial sound of the cathedral bell hovering above them all . it was as if the tranquil sanctuary of my boyhood had been sacked before my face , and its peace and honour given to the winds . but morning brought with it my parting from the old house , which agnes had filled with her influence and that occupied my mind sufficiently . i should be there again soon , no doubt i might sleep again  often  my old room but the days of my inhabiting there were gone , and the old time was past . i was heavier at heart when i packed up such of my books and clothes as still remained there to be sent to dover , than i cared to show to uriah heep who was so officious to help me , that i uncharitably thought him mighty glad that i was going . i got away from agnes and her father , somehow , with an indifferent show of being very manly , and took my seat upon the box of the london coach . i was so softened and forgiving , going through the town , that i had half a mind to nod to my old enemy the butcher , and throw him five shillings to drink . but he looked such a very obdurate butcher as he stood scraping the great block in the shop , and moreover , his appearance was so little improved by the loss of a front tooth which i had knocked out , that i thought it best to make no advances . the main object on my mind , i remember , when we got fairly on the road , was to appear as old as possible to the coachman , and to speak extremely gruff . the latter point i achieved at great personal inconvenience but i stuck to it , because i felt it was a grown up sort of thing . you are going through , sir . said the coachman . yes , william , i said , condescendingly i am going to london . i shall go down into suffolk afterwards . shooting , sir . said the coachman . he knew as well as i did that it was just as likely , at that time of year , i was going down there whaling but i felt complimented , too . i dont know , i said , pretending to be undecided , whether i shall take a shot or not . birds is got wery shy , im told , said william . so i understand , said i . is suffolk your county , sir . asked william . yes , i said , with some importance . suffolks my county . im told the dumplings is uncommon fine down there , said william . i was not aware of it myself , but i felt it necessary to uphold the institutions of my county , and to evince a familiarity with them so i shook my head , as much as to say , i believe you . and the punches , said william . theres cattle . a suffolk punch , when hes a good un , is worth his weight in gold . did you ever breed any suffolk punches yourself , sir . n no, , i said , not exactly . heres a genlmn behind me , ill pound it , said william , as has bred em by wholesale . the gentleman spoken of was a gentleman with a very unpromising squint , and a prominent chin , who had a tall white hat on with a narrow flat brim , and whose close fitting drab trousers seemed to button all the way up outside his legs from his boots to his hips . his chin was cocked over the coachmans shoulder , so near to me , that his breath quite tickled the back of my head and as i looked at him , he leered at the leaders with the eye with which he didnt squint , in a very knowing manner . aint you . asked william . aint i what . said the gentleman behind . bred them suffolk punches by wholesale . i should think so , said the gentleman . there aint no sort of orse that i aint bred , and no sort of dorg . orses and dorgs is some mens fancy . theyre wittles and drink to me  , wife , and children  , writing , and arithmetic  , tobacker , and sleep . that aint a sort of man to see sitting behind a coach box, , is it though . said william in my ear , as he handled the reins . i construed this remark into an indication of a wish that he should have my place , so i blushingly offered to resign it . well , if you dont mind , sir , said william , i think it would be more correct . i have always considered this as the first fall i had in life . when i booked my place at the coach office i had box seat written against the entry , and had given the book keeper half a . i was got up in a special great coat and shawl , expressly to do honour to that distinguished eminence had glorified myself upon it a good deal and had felt that i was a credit to the coach . and here , in the very first stage , i was supplanted by a shabby man with a squint , who had no other merit than smelling like a livery stables, , and being able to walk across me , more like a fly than a human being , while the horses were at a canter . a distrust of myself , which has often beset me in life on small occasions , when it would have been better away , was assuredly not stopped in its growth by this little incident outside the canterbury coach . it was in vain to take refuge in gruffness of speech . i spoke from the pit of my stomach for the rest of the journey , but i felt completely extinguished , and dreadfully young . it was curious and interesting , nevertheless , to be sitting up there behind four horses well educated , well dressed , and with plenty of money in my pocket and to look out for the places where i had slept on my weary journey . i had abundant occupation for my thoughts , in every conspicuous landmark on the road . when i looked down at the trampers whom we passed , and saw that well remembered style of face turned up , i felt as if the tinkers blackened hand were in the bosom of my shirt again . when we clattered through the narrow street of chatham , and i caught a glimpse , in passing , of the lane where the old monster lived who had bought my jacket , i stretched my neck eagerly to look for the place where i had sat , in the sun and in the shade , waiting for my money . when we came , at last , within a stage of london , and passed the veritable salem house where mr . creakle had laid about him with a heavy hand , i would have given all i had , for lawful permission to get down and thrash him , and let all the boys out like so many caged sparrows . we went to the golden cross at charing cross , then a mouldy sort of establishment in a close neighbourhood . a waiter showed me into the coffee room and a chambermaid introduced me to my small bedchamber , which smelt like a hackney coach, , and was shut up like a family vault . i was still painfully conscious of my youth , for nobody stood in any awe of me at all the chambermaid being utterly indifferent to my opinions on any subject , and the waiter being familiar with me , and offering advice to my inexperience . well now , said the waiter , in a tone of confidence , what would you like for dinner . young gentlemen likes poultry in general have a fowl . i told him , as majestically as i could , that i wasnt in the humour for a fowl . aint you . said the waiter . young gentlemen is generally tired of beef and mutton have a weal cutlet . i assented to this proposal , in default of being able to suggest anything else . do you care for taters . said the waiter , with an insinuating smile , and his head on one side . young gentlemen generally has been overdosed with taters . i commanded him , in my deepest voice , to order a veal cutlet and potatoes , and all things fitting and to inquire at the bar if there were any letters for trotwood copperfield , esquire  i knew there were not , and couldnt be , but thought it manly to appear to expect . he soon came back to say that there were none at which i was much surprised and began to lay the cloth for my dinner in a box by the fire . while he was so engaged , he asked me what i would take with it and on my replying half a pint of sherry , thought it a favourable opportunity , i am afraid , to extract that measure of wine from the stale leavings at the bottoms of several small decanters . i am of this opinion , because , while i was reading the newspaper , i observed him behind a low wooden partition , which was his private apartment , very busy pouring out of a number of those vessels into one , like a chemist and druggist making up a prescription . when the wine came , too , i thought it flat and it certainly had more english crumbs in it , than were to be expected in a foreign wine in anything like a pure state , but i was bashful enough to drink it , and say nothing . being then in a pleasant frame of mind from which i infer that poisoning is not always disagreeable in some stages of the process , i resolved to go to the play . it was covent garden theatre that i chose and there , from the back of a centre box , i saw julius caesar and the new pantomime . to have all those noble romans alive before me , and walking in and out for my entertainment , instead of being the stern taskmasters they had been at school , was a most novel and delightful effect . but the mingled reality and mystery of the whole show , the influence upon me of the poetry , the lights , the music , the company , the smooth stupendous changes of glittering and brilliant scenery , were so dazzling , and opened up such illimitable regions of delight , that when i came out into the rainy street , at twelve oclock at night , i felt as if i had come from the clouds , where i had been leading a romantic life for ages , to a bawling , splashing , link lighted, , umbrella struggling, , hackney coach , patten clinking, , muddy , miserable world . i had emerged by another door , and stood in the street for a little while , as if i really were a stranger upon earth but the unceremonious pushing and hustling that i received , soon recalled me to myself , and put me in the road back to the hotel whither i went , revolving the glorious vision all the way and where , after some porter and oysters , i sat revolving it still , at past one oclock , with my eyes on the coffee room fire . i was so filled with the play , and with the past  it was , in a manner , like a shining transparency , through which i saw my earlier life moving along  i dont know when the figure of a handsome well formed young man dressed with a tasteful easy negligence which i have reason to remember very well , became a real presence to me . but i recollect being conscious of his company without having noticed his coming in  my still sitting , musing , over the coffee room fire . at last i rose to go to bed , much to the relief of the sleepy waiter , who had got the fidgets in his legs , and was twisting them , and hitting them , and putting them through all kinds of contortions in his small pantry . in going towards the door , i passed the person who had come in , and saw him plainly . i turned directly , came back , and looked again . he did not know me , but i knew him in a moment . at another time i might have wanted the confidence or the decision to speak to him , and might have put it off until next day , and might have lost him . but , in the then condition of my mind , where the play was still running high , his former protection of me appeared so deserving of my gratitude , and my old love for him overflowed my breast so freshly and spontaneously , that i went up to him at once , with a fast beating heart , and said steerforth . wont you speak to me . he looked at me  as he used to look , sometimes  i saw no recognition in his face . you dont remember me , i am afraid , said i . my god . he suddenly exclaimed . its little copperfield . i grasped him by both hands , and could not let them go . but for very shame , and the fear that it might displease him , i could have held him round the neck and cried . i never , was so glad . my dear steerforth , i am so overjoyed to see you . and i am rejoiced to see you , too . he said , shaking my hands heartily . why , copperfield , old boy , dont be overpowered . and yet he was glad , too , i thought , to see how the delight i had in meeting him affected me . i brushed away the tears that my utmost resolution had not been able to keep back , and i made a clumsy laugh of it , and we sat down together , side by side . why , how do you come to be here . said steerforth , clapping me on the shoulder . i came here by the canterbury coach , today . i have been adopted by an aunt down in that part of the country , and have just finished my education there . how do you come to be here , steerforth . well , i am what they call an oxford man , he returned that is to say , i get bored to death down there , periodically  i am on my way now to my mothers . youre a devilish amiable looking fellow , copperfield . just what you used to be , now i look at you . not altered in the least . i knew you immediately , i said but you are more easily remembered . he laughed as he ran his hand through the clustering curls of his hair , and said gaily yes , i am on an expedition of duty . my mother lives a little way out of town and the roads being in a beastly condition , and our house tedious enough , i remained here tonight instead of going on . i have not been in town half a hours , and those i have been dozing and grumbling away at the play . i have been at the play , too , said i . at covent garden . what a delightful and magnificent entertainment , steerforth . steerforth laughed heartily . my dear young davy , he said , clapping me on the shoulder again , you are a very daisy . the daisy of the field , at sunrise , is not fresher than you are . i have been at covent garden , too , and there never was a more miserable business . holloa , you sir . this was addressed to the waiter , who had been very attentive to our recognition , at a distance , and now came forward deferentially . where have you put my friend , mr . copperfield . said steerforth . beg your pardon , sir . where does he sleep . whats his number . you know what i mean , said steerforth . well , sir , said the waiter , with an apologetic air . mr . copperfield is at present in forty four, , sir . and what the devil do you mean , retorted steerforth , by putting mr . copperfield into a little loft over a stable . why , you see we wasnt aware , sir , returned the waiter , still apologetically , as mr . copperfield was anyways particular . we can give mr . copperfield seventy two, , sir , if it would be preferred . next you , sir . of course it would be preferred , said steerforth . and do it at once . the waiter immediately withdrew to make the exchange . steerforth , very much amused at my having been put into forty four, , laughed again , and clapped me on the shoulder again , and invited me to breakfast with him next morning at ten oclock  invitation i was only too proud and happy to accept . it being now pretty late , we took our candles and went upstairs , where we parted with friendly heartiness at his door , and where i found my new room a great improvement on my old one , it not being at all musty , and having an immense four post bedstead in it , which was quite a little landed estate . here , among pillows enough for six , i soon fell asleep in a blissful condition , and dreamed of ancient rome , steerforth , and friendship , until the early morning coaches , rumbling out of the archway underneath , made me dream of thunder and the gods . chapter . steerforths home when the chambermaid tapped at my door at eight oclock , and informed me that my shaving water was outside , i felt severely the having no occasion for it , and blushed in my bed . the suspicion that she laughed too , when she said it , preyed upon my mind all the time i was dressing and gave me , i was conscious , a sneaking and guilty air when i passed her on the staircase , as i was going down to breakfast . i was so sensitively aware , indeed , of being younger than i could have wished , that for some time i could not make up my mind to pass her at all , under the ignoble circumstances of the case but , hearing her there with a broom , stood peeping out of window at king charles on horseback , surrounded by a maze of hackney coaches, , and looking anything but regal in a drizzling rain and a dark brown fog , until i was admonished by the waiter that the gentleman was waiting for me . it was not in the coffee room that i found steerforth expecting me , but in a snug private apartment , red curtained and turkey carpeted, , where the fire burnt bright , and a fine hot breakfast was set forth on a table covered with a clean cloth and a cheerful miniature of the room , the fire , the breakfast , steerforth , and all , was shining in the little round mirror over the sideboard . i was rather bashful at first , steerforth being so self possessed, , and elegant , and superior to me in all respects but his easy patronage soon put that to rights , and made me quite at home . i could not enough admire the change he had wrought in the golden cross or compare the dull forlorn state i had held yesterday , with this mornings comfort and this mornings entertainment . as to the waiters familiarity , it was quenched as if it had never been . he attended on us , as i may say , in sackcloth and ashes . now , copperfield , said steerforth , when we were alone , i should like to hear what you are doing , and where you are going , and all about you . i feel as if you were my property . glowing with pleasure to find that he had still this interest in me , i told him how my aunt had proposed the little expedition that i had before me , and whither it tended . as you are in no hurry , then , said steerforth , come home with me to highgate , and stay a day or two . you will be pleased with my mother  is a little vain and prosy about me , but that you can forgive her  she will be pleased with you . i should like to be as sure of that , as you are kind enough to say you are , i answered , smiling . oh . said steerforth , everyone who likes me , has a claim on her that is sure to be acknowledged . then i think i shall be a favourite , said i . good . said steerforth . come and prove it . we will go and see the lions for an hour or two  something to have a fresh fellow like you to show them to , copperfield  then well journey out to highgate by the coach . i could hardly believe but that i was in a dream , and that i should wake presently in number forty four, , to the solitary box in the coffee room and the familiar waiter again . after i had written to my aunt and told her of my fortunate meeting with my admired old schoolfellow , and my acceptance of his invitation , we went out in a hackney chariot, , and saw a panorama and some other sights , and took a walk through the museum , where i could not help observing how much steerforth knew , on an infinite variety of subjects , and of how little account he seemed to make his knowledge . youll take a high degree at college , steerforth , said i , if you have not done so already and they will have good reason to be proud of you . i take a degree . cried steerforth . not i . my dear daisy  you mind my calling you daisy . not at all . said i . thats a good fellow . my dear daisy , said steerforth , laughing . i have not the least desire or intention to distinguish myself in that way . i have done quite sufficient for my purpose . i find that i am heavy company enough for myself as i am . but the fame  i was beginning . you romantic daisy . said steerforth , laughing still more heartily why should i trouble myself , that a parcel of heavy headed fellows may gape and hold up their hands . let them do it at some other man . theres fame for him , and hes welcome to it . i was abashed at having made so great a mistake , and was glad to change the subject . fortunately it was not difficult to do , for steerforth could always pass from one subject to another with a carelessness and lightness that were his own . lunch succeeded to our sight seeing, , and the short winter day wore away so fast , that it was dusk when the stage coach stopped with us at an old brick house at highgate on the summit of the hill . an elderly lady , though not very far advanced in years , with a proud carriage and a handsome face , was in the doorway as we alighted and greeting steerforth as my dearest james , folded him in her arms . to this lady he presented me as his mother , and she gave me a stately welcome . it was a genteel old fashioned house , very quiet and orderly . from the windows of my room i saw all london lying in the distance like a great vapour , with here and there some lights twinkling through it . i had only time , in dressing , to glance at the solid furniture , the framed pieces of work and some pictures in crayons of ladies with powdered hair and bodices , coming and going on the walls , as the newly kindled fire crackled and sputtered , when i was called to dinner . there was a second lady in the dining room, , of a slight short figure , dark , and not agreeable to look at , but with some appearance of good looks too , who attracted my attention perhaps because i had not expected to see her perhaps because i found myself sitting opposite to her perhaps because of something really remarkable in her . she had black hair and eager black eyes , and was thin , and had a scar upon her lip . it was an old scar  should rather call it seam , for it was not discoloured , and had healed years ago  had once cut through her mouth , downward towards the chin , but was now barely visible across the table , except above and on her upper lip , the shape of which it had altered . i concluded in my own mind that she was about thirty years of age , and that she wished to be married . she was a little dilapidated  a house  having been so long to let yet had , as i have said , an appearance of good looks . her thinness seemed to be the effect of some wasting fire within her , which found a vent in her gaunt eyes . she was introduced as miss dartle , and both steerforth and his mother called her rosa . i found that she lived there , and had been for a long time mrs . steerforths companion . it appeared to me that she never said anything she wanted to say , outright but hinted it , and made a great deal more of it by this practice . for example , when mrs . steerforth observed , more in jest than earnest , that she feared her son led but a wild life at college , miss dartle put in thus oh , really . you know how ignorant i am , and that i only ask for information , but isnt it always so . i thought that kind of life was on all hands understood to be  . it is education for a very grave profession , if you mean that , rosa , mrs . steerforth answered with some coldness . oh . yes . thats very true , returned miss dartle . but isnt it , though . want to be put right , if i am wrong  it , really . really what . said mrs . steerforth . oh . you mean its not . returned miss dartle . well , im very glad to hear it . now , i know what to do . thats the advantage of asking . i shall never allow people to talk before me about wastefulness and profligacy , and so forth , in connexion with that life , any more . and you will be right , said mrs . steerforth . my sons tutor is a conscientious gentleman and if i had not implicit reliance on my son , i should have reliance on him . should you . said miss dartle . dear me . conscientious , is he . really conscientious , now . yes , i am convinced of it , said mrs . steerforth . how very nice . exclaimed miss dartle . what a comfort . really conscientious . then hes not  of course he cant be , if hes really conscientious . well , i shall be quite happy in my opinion of him , from this time . you cant think how it elevates him in my opinion , to know for certain that hes really conscientious . her own views of every question , and her correction of everything that was said to which she was opposed , miss dartle insinuated in the same way sometimes , i could not conceal from myself , with great power , though in contradiction even of steerforth . an instance happened before dinner was done . mrs . steerforth speaking to me about my intention of going down into suffolk , i said at hazard how glad i should be , if steerforth would only go there with me and explaining to him that i was going to see my old nurse , and mr . peggottys family , i reminded him of the boatman whom he had seen at school . oh . that bluff fellow . said steerforth . he had a son with him , hadnt he . no . that was his nephew , i replied whom he adopted , though , as a son . he has a very pretty little niece too , whom he adopted as a daughter . in short , his house  rather his boat , for he lives in one , on dry land  full of people who are objects of his generosity and kindness . you would be delighted to see that household . should i . said steerforth . well , i think i should . i must see what can be done . it would be worth a journey not to mention the pleasure of a journey with you , daisy , to see that sort of people together , and to make one of em . my heart leaped with a new hope of pleasure . but it was in reference to the tone in which he had spoken of that sort of people , that miss dartle , whose sparkling eyes had been watchful of us , now broke in again . oh , but , really . do tell me . are they , though . she said . are they what . and are who what . said steerforth . that sort of people . they really animals and clods , and beings of another order . i want to know so much . why , theres a pretty wide separation between them and us , said steerforth , with indifference . they are not to be expected to be as sensitive as we are . their delicacy is not to be shocked , or hurt easily . they are wonderfully virtuous , i dare say  people contend for that , at least and i am sure i dont want to contradict them  they have not very fine natures , and they may be thankful that , like their coarse rough skins , they are not easily wounded . really . said miss dartle . well , i dont know , now , when i have been better pleased than to hear that . its so consoling . its such a delight to know that , when they suffer , they dont feel . sometimes i have been quite uneasy for that sort of people but now i shall just dismiss the idea of them , altogether . live and learn . i had my doubts , i confess , but now theyre cleared up . i didnt know , and now i do know , and that shows the advantage of asking  it . i believed that steerforth had said what he had , in jest , or to draw miss dartle out and i expected him to say as much when she was gone , and we two were sitting before the fire . but he merely asked me what i thought of her . she is very clever , is she not . i asked . clever . she brings everything to a grindstone , said steerforth , and sharpens it , as she has sharpened her own face and figure these years past . she has worn herself away by constant sharpening . she is all edge . what a remarkable scar that is upon her lip . i said . steerforths face fell , and he paused a moment . why , the fact is , he returned , i did that . by an unfortunate accident . no . i was a young boy , and she exasperated me , and i threw a hammer at her . a promising young angel i must have been . i was deeply sorry to have touched on such a painful theme , but that was useless now . she has borne the mark ever since , as you see , said steerforth and shell bear it to her grave , if she ever rests in one  i can hardly believe she will ever rest anywhere . she was the motherless child of a sort of cousin of my fathers . he died one day . my mother , who was then a widow , brought her here to be company to her . she has a couple of thousand pounds of her own , and saves the interest of it every year , to add to the principal . theres the history of miss rosa dartle for you . and i have no doubt she loves you like a brother . said i . humph . retorted steerforth , looking at the fire . some brothers are not loved over much and some love  help yourself , copperfield . well drink the daisies of the field , in compliment to you and the lilies of the valley that toil not , neither do they spin , in compliment to me  more shame for me . a moody smile that had overspread his features cleared off as he said this merrily , and he was his own frank , winning self again . i could not help glancing at the scar with a painful interest when we went in to tea . it was not long before i observed that it was the most susceptible part of her face , and that , when she turned pale , that mark altered first , and became a dull , lead coloured streak , lengthening out to its full extent , like a mark in invisible ink brought to the fire . there was a little altercation between her and steerforth about a cast of the dice at backgammon  i thought her , for one moment , in a storm of rage and then i saw it start forth like the old writing on the wall . it was no matter of wonder to me to find mrs . steerforth devoted to her son . she seemed to be able to speak or think about nothing else . she showed me his picture as an infant , in a locket , with some of his baby hair in it she showed me his picture as he had been when i first knew him and she wore at her breast his picture as he was now . all the letters he had ever written to her , she kept in a cabinet near her own chair by the fire and she would have read me some of them , and i should have been very glad to hear them too , if he had not interposed , and coaxed her out of the design . it was at mr . creakles , my son tells me , that you first became acquainted , said mrs . steerforth , as she and i were talking at one table , while they played backgammon at another . indeed , i recollect his speaking , at that time , of a pupil younger than himself who had taken his fancy there but your name , as you may suppose , has not lived in my memory . he was very generous and noble to me in those days , i assure you , maam , said i , and i stood in need of such a friend . i should have been quite crushed without him . he is always generous and noble , said mrs . steerforth , proudly . i subscribed to this with all my heart , god knows . she knew i did for the stateliness of her manner already abated towards me , except when she spoke in praise of him , and then her air was always lofty . it was not a fit school generally for my son , said she far from it but there were particular circumstances to be considered at the time , of more importance even than that selection . my sons high spirit made it desirable that he should be placed with some man who felt its superiority , and would be content to bow himself before it and we found such a man there . i knew that , knowing the fellow . and yet i did not despise him the more for it , but thought it a redeeming quality in him if he could be allowed any grace for not resisting one so irresistible as steerforth . my sons great capacity was tempted on , there , by a feeling of voluntary emulation and conscious pride , the fond lady went on to say . he would have risen against all constraint but he found himself the monarch of the place , and he haughtily determined to be worthy of his station . it was like himself . i echoed , with all my heart and soul , that it was like himself . so my son took , of his own will , and on no compulsion , to the course in which he can always , when it is his pleasure , outstrip every competitor , she pursued . my son informs me , mr . copperfield , that you were quite devoted to him , and that when you met yesterday you made yourself known to him with tears of joy . i should be an affected woman if i made any pretence of being surprised by my sons inspiring such emotions but i cannot be indifferent to anyone who is so sensible of his merit , and i am very glad to see you here , and can assure you that he feels an unusual friendship for you , and that you may rely on his protection . miss dartle played backgammon as eagerly as she did everything else . if i had seen her , first , at the board , i should have fancied that her figure had got thin , and her eyes had got large , over that pursuit , and no other in the world . but i am very much mistaken if she missed a word of this , or lost a look of mine as i received it with the utmost pleasure , and honoured by mrs . steerforths confidence , felt older than i had done since i left canterbury . when the evening was pretty far spent , and a tray of glasses and decanters came in , steerforth promised , over the fire , that he would seriously think of going down into the country with me . there was no hurry , he said a week hence would do and his mother hospitably said the same . while we were talking , he more than once called me daisy which brought miss dartle out again . but really , mr . copperfield , she asked , is it a nickname . and why does he give it you . is it  . he thinks you young and innocent . i am so stupid in these things . i coloured in replying that i believed it was . oh . said miss dartle . now i am glad to know that . i ask for information , and i am glad to know it . he thinks you young and innocent and so you are his friend . well , thats quite delightful . she went to bed soon after this , and mrs . steerforth retired too . steerforth and i , after lingering for half an over the fire , talking about traddles and all the rest of them at old salem house , went upstairs together . steerforths room was next to mine , and i went in to look at it . it was a picture of comfort , full of easy chairs, , cushions and footstools , worked by his mothers hand , and with no sort of thing omitted that could help to render it complete . finally , her handsome features looked down on her darling from a portrait on the wall , as if it were even something to her that her likeness should watch him while he slept . i found the fire burning clear enough in my room by this time , and the curtains drawn before the windows and round the bed , giving it a very snug appearance . i sat down in a great chair upon the hearth to meditate on my happiness and had enjoyed the contemplation of it for some time , when i found a likeness of miss dartle looking eagerly at me from above the chimney piece . it was a startling likeness , and necessarily had a startling look . the painter hadnt made the scar , but i made it and there it was , coming and going now confined to the upper lip as i had seen it at dinner , and now showing the whole extent of the wound inflicted by the hammer , as i had seen it when she was passionate . i wondered peevishly why they couldnt put her anywhere else instead of quartering her on me . to get rid of her , i undressed quickly , extinguished my light , and went to bed . but , as i fell asleep , i could not forget that she was still there looking , is it really , though . i want to know and when i awoke in the night , i found that i was uneasily asking all sorts of people in my dreams whether it really was or not  knowing what i meant . chapter . little emly there was a servant in that house , a man who , i understood , was usually with steerforth , and had come into his service at the university , who was in appearance a pattern of respectability . i believe there never existed in his station a more respectable looking man . he was taciturn , soft footed, , very quiet in his manner , deferential , observant , always at hand when wanted , and never near when not wanted but his great claim to consideration was his respectability . he had not a pliant face , he had rather a stiff neck , rather a tight smooth head with short hair clinging to it at the sides , a soft way of speaking , with a peculiar habit of whispering the letter s so distinctly , that he seemed to use it oftener than any other man but every peculiarity that he had he made respectable . if his nose had been upside down, , he would have made that respectable . he surrounded himself with an atmosphere of respectability , and walked secure in it . it would have been next to impossible to suspect him of anything wrong , he was so thoroughly respectable . nobody could have thought of putting him in a livery , he was so highly respectable . to have imposed any derogatory work upon him , would have been to inflict a wanton insult on the feelings of a most respectable man . and of this , i noticed  women servants in the household were so intuitively conscious , that they always did such work themselves , and generally while he read the paper by the pantry fire . such a self contained man i never saw . but in that quality , as in every other he possessed , he only seemed to be the more respectable . even the fact that no one knew his christian name , seemed to form a part of his respectability . nothing could be objected against his surname , littimer , by which he was known . peter might have been hanged , or tom transported but littimer was perfectly respectable . it was occasioned , i suppose , by the reverend nature of respectability in the abstract , but i felt particularly young in this mans presence . how old he was himself , i could not guess  that again went to his credit on the same score for in the calmness of respectability he might have numbered fifty years as well as thirty . littimer was in my room in the morning before i was up , to bring me that reproachful shaving water, , and to put out my clothes . when i undrew the curtains and looked out of bed , i saw him , in an equable temperature of respectability , unaffected by the east wind of january , and not even breathing frostily , standing my boots right and left in the first dancing position , and blowing specks of dust off my coat as he laid it down like a baby . i gave him good morning , and asked him what oclock it was . he took out of his pocket the most respectable hunting watch i ever saw , and preventing the spring with his thumb from opening far , looked in at the face as if he were consulting an oracular oyster , shut it up again , and said , if i pleased , it was half past eight . mr . steerforth will be glad to hear how you have rested , sir . thank you , said i , very well indeed . is mr . steerforth quite well . thank you , sir , mr . steerforth is tolerably well . another of his characteristics  use of superlatives . a cool calm medium always . is there anything more i can have the honour of doing for you , sir . the warning bell will ring at nine the family take breakfast at half past nine . nothing , i thank you . i thank you , sir , if you please and with that , and with a little inclination of his head when he passed the bed side, , as an apology for correcting me , he went out , shutting the door as delicately as if i had just fallen into a sweet sleep on which my life depended . every morning we held exactly this conversation never any more , and never any less and yet , invariably , however far i might have been lifted out of myself over night, , and advanced towards maturer years , by steerforths companionship , or mrs . steerforths confidence , or miss dartles conversation , in the presence of this most respectable man i became , as our smaller poets sing , a boy again . he got horses for us and steerforth , who knew everything , gave me lessons in riding . he provided foils for us , and steerforth gave me lessons in fencing  , and i began , of the same master , to improve in boxing . it gave me no manner of concern that steerforth should find me a novice in these sciences , but i never could bear to show my want of skill before the respectable littimer . i had no reason to believe that littimer understood such arts himself he never led me to suppose anything of the kind , by so much as the vibration of one of his respectable eyelashes yet whenever he was by , while we were practising , i felt myself the greenest and most inexperienced of mortals . i am particular about this man , because he made a particular effect on me at that time , and because of what took place thereafter . the week passed away in a most delightful manner . it passed rapidly , as may be supposed , to one entranced as i was and yet it gave me so many occasions for knowing steerforth better , and admiring him more in a thousand respects , that at its close i seemed to have been with him for a much longer time . a dashing way he had of treating me like a plaything , was more agreeable to me than any behaviour he could have adopted . it reminded me of our old acquaintance it seemed the natural sequel of it showed me that he was unchanged it relieved me of any uneasiness i might have felt , in comparing my merits with his , and measuring my claims upon his friendship by any equal standard above all , it was a familiar , unrestrained , affectionate demeanour that he used towards no one else . as he had treated me at school differently from all the rest , i joyfully believed that he treated me in life unlike any other friend he had . i believed that i was nearer to his heart than any other friend , and my own heart warmed with attachment to him . he made up his mind to go with me into the country , and the day arrived for our departure . he had been doubtful at first whether to take littimer or not , but decided to leave him at home . the respectable creature , satisfied with his lot whatever it was , arranged our portmanteaux on the little carriage that was to take us into london , as if they were intended to defy the shocks of ages , and received my modestly proffered donation with perfect tranquillity . we bade adieu to mrs . steerforth and miss dartle , with many thanks on my part , and much kindness on the devoted mothers . the last thing i saw was littimers unruffled eye fraught , as i fancied , with the silent conviction that i was very young indeed . what i felt , in returning so auspiciously to the old familiar places , i shall not endeavour to describe . we went down by the mail . i was so concerned , i recollect , even for the honour of yarmouth , that when steerforth said , as we drove through its dark streets to the inn , that , as well as he could make out , it was a good , queer , out of kind of hole , i was highly pleased . we went to bed on our arrival i observed a pair of dirty shoes and gaiters in connexion with my old friend the dolphin as we passed that door , and breakfasted late in the morning . steerforth , who was in great spirits , had been strolling about the beach before i was up , and had made acquaintance , he said , with half the boatmen in the place . moreover , he had seen , in the distance , what he was sure must be the identical house of mr . peggotty , with smoke coming out of the chimney and had a great mind , he told me , to walk in and swear he was myself grown out of knowledge . when do you propose to introduce me there , daisy . he said . i am at your disposal . make your own arrangements . why , i was thinking that this evening would be a good time , steerforth , when they are all sitting round the fire . i should like you to see it when its snug , its such a curious place . so be it . returned steerforth . this evening . i shall not give them any notice that we are here , you know , said i , delighted . we must take them by surprise . oh , of course . its no fun , said steerforth , unless we take them by surprise . let us see the natives in their aboriginal condition . though they are that sort of people that you mentioned , i returned . aha . what . you recollect my skirmishes with rosa , do you . he exclaimed with a quick look . confound the girl , i am half afraid of her . shes like a goblin to me . but never mind her . now what are you going to do . you are going to see your nurse , i suppose . why , yes , i said , i must see peggotty first of all . well , replied steerforth , looking at his watch . suppose i deliver you up to be cried over for a couple of hours . is that long enough . i answered , laughing , that i thought we might get through it in that time , but that he must come also for he would find that his renown had preceded him , and that he was almost as great a personage as i was . ill come anywhere you like , said steerforth , or do anything you like . tell me where to come to and in two hours ill produce myself in any state you please , sentimental or comical . i gave him minute directions for finding the residence of mr . barkis , carrier to blunderstone and elsewhere and , on this understanding , went out alone . there was a sharp bracing air the ground was dry the sea was crisp and clear the sun was diffusing abundance of light , if not much warmth and everything was fresh and lively . i was so fresh and lively myself , in the pleasure of being there , that i could have stopped the people in the streets and shaken hands with them . the streets looked small , of course . the streets that we have only seen as children always do , i believe , when we go back to them . but i had forgotten nothing in them , and found nothing changed , until i came to mr . omers shop . omer and joram was now written up , where omer used to be but the inscription , draper , tailor , haberdasher , funeral furnisher , c . remained as it was . my footsteps seemed to tend so naturally to the shop door , after i had read these words from over the way , that i went across the road and looked in . there was a pretty woman at the back of the shop , dancing a little child in her arms , while another little fellow clung to her apron . i had no difficulty in recognizing either minnie or minnies children . the glass door of the parlour was not open but in the workshop across the yard i could faintly hear the old tune playing , as if it had never left off . is mr . omer at home . said i , entering . i should like to see him , for a moment , if he is . oh yes , sir , he is at home , said minnie the weather dont suit his asthma out of doors . joe , call your grandfather . the little fellow , who was holding her apron , gave such a lusty shout , that the sound of it made him bashful , and he buried his face in her skirts , to her great admiration . i heard a heavy puffing and blowing coming towards us , and soon mr . omer , shorter winded than of yore , but not much older looking, , stood before me . servant , sir , said mr . omer . what can i do for you , sir . you can shake hands with me , mr . omer , if you please , said i , putting out my own . you were very good natured to me once , when i am afraid i didnt show that i thought so . was i though . returned the old man . im glad to hear it , but i dont remember when . are you sure it was me . quite . i think my memory has got as short as my breath , said mr . omer , looking at me and shaking his head for i dont remember you . dont you remember your coming to the coach to meet me , and my having breakfast here , and our riding out to blunderstone together you , and i , and mrs . joram , and mr . joram too  wasnt her husband then . why , lord bless my soul . exclaimed mr . omer , after being thrown by his surprise into a fit of coughing , you dont say so . minnie , my dear , you recollect . dear me , yes the party was a lady , i think . my mother , i rejoined . to  , said mr . omer , touching my waistcoat with his forefinger , and there was a little child too . there was two parties . the little party was laid along with the other party . over at blunderstone it was , of course . dear me . and how have you been since . very well , i thanked him , as i hoped he had been too . oh . nothing to grumble at , you know , said mr . omer . i find my breath gets short , but it seldom gets longer as a man gets older . i take it as it comes , and make the most of it . thats the best way , aint it . mr . omer coughed again , in consequence of laughing , and was assisted out of his fit by his daughter , who now stood close beside us , dancing her smallest child on the counter . dear me . said mr . omer . yes , to be sure . two parties . why , in that very ride , if youll believe me , the day was named for my minnie to marry joram . do name it , sir , says joram . yes , do , father , says minnie . and now hes come into the business . and look here . the youngest . minnie laughed , and stroked her banded hair upon her temples , as her father put one of his fat fingers into the hand of the child she was dancing on the counter . two parties , of course . said mr . omer , nodding his head retrospectively . ex actly so . and jorams at work , at this minute , on a grey one with silver nails , not this measurement  of the dancing child upon the counter  a good two inches . you take something . i thanked him , but declined . let me see , said mr . omer . barkiss the carriers wife  the boatmans sister  had something to do with your family . she was in service there , sure . my answering in the affirmative gave him great satisfaction . i believe my breath will get long next , my memorys getting so much so , said mr . omer . well , sir , weve got a young relation of hers here , under articles to us , that has as elegant a taste in the dress making business  assure you i dont believe theres a duchess in england can touch her . not little emly . said i , involuntarily . emlys her name , said mr . omer , and shes little too . but if youll believe me , she has such a face of her own that half the women in this town are mad against her . nonsense , father . cried minnie . my dear , said mr . omer , i dont say its the case with you , winking at me , but i say that half the women in yarmouth  . and in five mile round  mad against that girl . then she should have kept to her own station in life , father , said minnie , and not have given them any hold to talk about her , and then they couldnt have done it . couldnt have done it , my dear . retorted mr . omer . couldnt have done it . is that your knowledge of life . what is there that any woman couldnt do , that she shouldnt do  on the subject of another womans good looks . i really thought it was all over with mr . omer , after he had uttered this libellous pleasantry . he coughed to that extent , and his breath eluded all his attempts to recover it with that obstinacy , that i fully expected to see his head go down behind the counter , and his little black breeches , with the rusty little bunches of ribbons at the knees , come quivering up in a last ineffectual struggle . at length , however , he got better , though he still panted hard , and was so exhausted that he was obliged to sit on the stool of the shop desk . you see , he said , wiping his head , and breathing with difficulty , she hasnt taken much to any companions here she hasnt taken kindly to any particular acquaintances and friends , not to mention sweethearts . in consequence , an ill natured story got about , that emly wanted to be a lady . now my opinion is , that it came into circulation principally on account of her sometimes saying , at the school , that if she was a lady she would like to do so and for her uncle  you see . buy him such and fine things . i assure you , mr . omer , she has said so to me , i returned eagerly , when we were both children . mr . omer nodded his head and rubbed his chin . just so . then out of a very little , she could dress herself , you see , better than most others could out of a deal , and that made things unpleasant . moreover , she was rather what might be called wayward  go so far as to say what i should call wayward myself , said mr . omer know her own mind quite  little spoiled  couldnt , at first , exactly bind herself down . no more than that was ever said against her , minnie . no , father , said mrs . joram . thats the worst , i believe . so when she got a situation , said mr . omer , to keep a fractious old lady company , they didnt very well agree , and she didnt stop . at last she came here , apprenticed for three years . nearly two of em are over , and she has been as good a girl as ever was . worth any six . minnie , is she worth any six , now . yes , father , replied minnie . never say i detracted from her . very good , said mr . omer . thats right . and so , young gentleman , he added , after a few moments further rubbing of his chin , that you may not consider me long winded as well as short breathed, , i believe thats all about it . as they had spoken in a subdued tone , while speaking of emly , i had no doubt that she was near . on my asking now , if that were not so , mr . omer nodded yes , and nodded towards the door of the parlour . my hurried inquiry if i might peep in , was answered with a free permission and , looking through the glass , i saw her sitting at her work . i saw her , a most beautiful little creature , with the cloudless blue eyes , that had looked into my childish heart , turned laughingly upon another child of minnies who was playing near her with enough of wilfulness in her bright face to justify what i had heard with much of the old capricious coyness lurking in it but with nothing in her pretty looks , i am sure , but what was meant for goodness and for happiness , and what was on a good and happy course . the tune across the yard that seemed as if it never had left off  . it was the tune that never does leave off  beating , softly , all the while . wouldnt you like to step in , said mr . omer , and speak to her . walk in and speak to her , sir . make yourself at home . i was too bashful to do so then  was afraid of confusing her , and i was no less afraid of confusing myself . i informed myself of the hour at which she left of an evening , in order that our visit might be timed accordingly and taking leave of mr . omer , and his pretty daughter , and her little children , went away to my dear old peggottys . here she was , in the tiled kitchen , cooking dinner . the moment i knocked at the door she opened it , and asked me what i pleased to want . i looked at her with a smile , but she gave me no smile in return . i had never ceased to write to her , but it must have been seven years since we had met . is mr . barkis at home , maam . i said , feigning to speak roughly to her . hes at home , sir , returned peggotty , but hes bad abed with the rheumatics . dont he go over to blunderstone now . i asked . when hes well he do , she answered . do you ever go there , mrs . barkis . she looked at me more attentively , and i noticed a quick movement of her hands towards each other . because i want to ask a question about a house there , that they call the  is it . rookery , said i . she took a step backward , and put out her hands in an undecided frightened way , as if to keep me off . peggotty . i cried to her . she cried , my darling boy . and we both burst into tears , and were locked in one anothers arms . what extravagances she committed what laughing and crying over me what pride she showed , what joy , what sorrow that she whose pride and joy i might have been , could never hold me in a fond embrace i have not the heart to tell . i was troubled with no misgiving that it was young in me to respond to her emotions . i had never laughed and cried in all my life , i dare say  even to her  freely than i did that morning . barkis will be so glad , said peggotty , wiping her eyes with her apron , that itll do him more good than pints of liniment . may i go and tell him you are here . will you come up and see him , my dear . of course i would . but peggotty could not get out of the room as easily as she meant to , for as often as she got to the door and looked round at me , she came back again to have another laugh and another cry upon my shoulder . at last , to make the matter easier , i went upstairs with her and having waited outside for a minute , while she said a word of preparation to mr . barkis , presented myself before that invalid . he received me with absolute enthusiasm . he was too rheumatic to be shaken hands with , but he begged me to shake the tassel on the top of his nightcap , which i did most cordially . when i sat down by the side of the bed , he said that it did him a world of good to feel as if he was driving me on the blunderstone road again . as he lay in bed , face upward , and so covered , with that exception , that he seemed to be nothing but a face  a conventional cherubim  looked the queerest object i ever beheld . what name was it , as i wrote up in the cart , sir . said mr . barkis , with a slow rheumatic smile . ah . mr . barkis , we had some grave talks about that matter , hadnt we . i was willin a long time , sir . said mr . barkis . a long time , said i . and i dont regret it , said mr . barkis . do you remember what you told me once , about her making all the apple parsties and doing all the cooking . yes , very well , i returned . it was as true , said mr . barkis , as turnips is . it was as true , said mr . barkis , nodding his nightcap , which was his only means of emphasis , as taxes is . and nothings truer than them . mr . barkis turned his eyes upon me , as if for my assent to this result of his reflections in bed and i gave it . nothings truer than them , repeated mr . barkis a man as poor as i am , finds that out in his mind when hes laid up . im a very poor man , sir . i am sorry to hear it , mr . barkis . a very poor man , indeed i am , said mr . barkis . here his right hand came slowly and feebly from under the bedclothes , and with a purposeless uncertain grasp took hold of a stick which was loosely tied to the side of the bed . after some poking about with this instrument , in the course of which his face assumed a variety of distracted expressions , mr . barkis poked it against a box , an end of which had been visible to me all the time . then his face became composed . old clothes , said mr . barkis . oh . said i . i wish it was money , sir , said mr . barkis . i wish it was , indeed , said i . but it aint , said mr . barkis , opening both his eyes as wide as he possibly could . i expressed myself quite sure of that , and mr . barkis , turning his eyes more gently to his wife , said shes the usefullest and best of women , c . p . barkis . all the praise that anyone can give to c . p . barkis , she deserves , and more . my dear , youll get a dinner today , for company something good to eat and drink , will you . i should have protested against this unnecessary demonstration in my honour , but that i saw peggotty , on the opposite side of the bed , extremely anxious i should not . so i held my peace . i have got a trifle of money somewhere about me , my dear , said mr . barkis , but im a little tired . if you and mr . david will leave me for a short nap , ill try and find it when i wake . we left the room , in compliance with this request . when we got outside the door , peggotty informed me that mr . barkis , being now a little nearer than he used to be , always resorted to this same device before producing a single coin from his store and that he endured unheard of agonies in crawling out of bed alone , and taking it from that unlucky box . in effect , we presently heard him uttering suppressed groans of the most dismal nature , as this magpie proceeding racked him in every joint but while peggottys eyes were full of compassion for him , she said his generous impulse would do him good , and it was better not to check it . so he groaned on , until he had got into bed again , suffering , i have no doubt , a martyrdom and then called us in , pretending to have just woke up from a refreshing sleep , and to produce a guinea from under his pillow . his satisfaction in which happy imposition on us , and in having preserved the impenetrable secret of the box , appeared to be a sufficient compensation to him for all his tortures . i prepared peggotty for steerforths arrival and it was not long before he came . i am persuaded she knew no difference between his having been a personal benefactor of hers , and a kind friend to me , and that she would have received him with the utmost gratitude and devotion in any case . but his easy , spirited good humour his genial manner , his handsome looks , his natural gift of adapting himself to whomsoever he pleased , and making direct , when he cared to do it , to the main point of interest in anybodys heart bound her to him wholly in five minutes . his manner to me , alone , would have won her . but , through all these causes combined , i sincerely believe she had a kind of adoration for him before he left the house that night . he stayed there with me to dinner  i were to say willingly , i should not half express how readily and gaily . he went into mr . barkiss room like light and air , brightening and refreshing it as if he were healthy weather . there was no noise , no effort , no consciousness , in anything he did but in everything an indescribable lightness , a seeming impossibility of doing anything else , or doing anything better , which was so graceful , so natural , and agreeable , that it overcomes me , even now , in the remembrance . we made merry in the little parlour , where the book of martyrs , unthumbed since my time , was laid out upon the desk as of old , and where i now turned over its terrific pictures , remembering the old sensations they had awakened , but not feeling them . when peggotty spoke of what she called my room , and of its being ready for me at night , and of her hoping i would occupy it , before i could so much as look at steerforth , hesitating , he was possessed of the whole case . of course , he said . youll sleep here , while we stay , and i shall sleep at the hotel . but to bring you so far , i returned , and to separate , seems bad companionship , steerforth . why , in the name of heaven , where do you naturally belong . he said . what is seems , compared to that . it was settled at once . he maintained all his delightful qualities to the last , until we started forth , at eight oclock , for mr . peggottys boat . indeed , they were more and more brightly exhibited as the hours went on for i thought even then , and i have no doubt now , that the consciousness of success in his determination to please , inspired him with a new delicacy of perception , and made it , subtle as it was , more easy to him . if anyone had told me , then , that all this was a brilliant game , played for the excitement of the moment , for the employment of high spirits , in the thoughtless love of superiority , in a mere wasteful careless course of winning what was worthless to him , and next minute thrown away  say , if anyone had told me such a lie that night , i wonder in what manner of receiving it my indignation would have found a vent . probably only in an increase , had that been possible , of the romantic feelings of fidelity and friendship with which i walked beside him , over the dark wintry sands towards the old boat the wind sighing around us even more mournfully , than it had sighed and moaned upon the night when i first darkened mr . peggottys door . this is a wild kind of place , steerforth , is it not . dismal enough in the dark , he said and the sea roars as if it were hungry for us . is that the boat , where i see a light yonder . thats the boat , said i . and its the same i saw this morning , he returned . i came straight to it , by instinct , i suppose . we said no more as we approached the light , but made softly for the door . i laid my hand upon the latch and whispering steerforth to keep close to me , went in . a murmur of voices had been audible on the outside , and , at the moment of our entrance , a clapping of hands which latter noise , i was surprised to see , proceeded from the generally disconsolate mrs . gummidge . but mrs . gummidge was not the only person there who was unusually excited . mr . peggotty , his face lighted up with uncommon satisfaction , and laughing with all his might , held his rough arms wide open , as if for little emly to run into them ham , with a mixed expression in his face of admiration , exultation , and a lumbering sort of bashfulness that sat upon him very well , held little emly by the hand , as if he were presenting her to mr . peggotty little emly herself , blushing and shy , but delighted with mr . peggottys delight , as her joyous eyes expressed , was stopped by our entrance for she saw us first in the very act of springing from ham to nestle in mr . peggottys embrace . in the first glimpse we had of them all , and at the moment of our passing from the dark cold night into the warm light room , this was the way in which they were all employed mrs . gummidge in the background , clapping her hands like a madwoman . the little picture was so instantaneously dissolved by our going in , that one might have doubted whether it had ever been . i was in the midst of the astonished family , face to face with mr . peggotty , and holding out my hand to him , when ham shouted masr davy . its masr davy . in a moment we were all shaking hands with one another , and asking one another how we did , and telling one another how glad we were to meet , and all talking at once . mr . peggotty was so proud and overjoyed to see us , that he did not know what to say or do , but kept over and over again shaking hands with me , and then with steerforth , and then with me , and then ruffling his shaggy hair all over his head , and laughing with such glee and triumph , that it was a treat to see him . why , that you two gentlmen  growed  come to this here roof tonight , of all nights in my life , said mr . peggotty , is such a thing as never happened afore , i do rightly believe . emly , my darling , come here . come here , my little witch . theres masr davys friend , my dear . theres the gentlman as youve heerd on , emly . he comes to see you , along with masr davy , on the brightest night of your uncles life as ever was or will be , gorm the tother one , and horroar for it . after delivering this speech all in a breath , and with extraordinary animation and pleasure , mr . peggotty put one of his large hands rapturously on each side of his nieces face , and kissing it a dozen times , laid it with a gentle pride and love upon his broad chest , and patted it as if his hand had been a ladys . then he let her go and as she ran into the little chamber where i used to sleep , looked round upon us , quite hot and out of breath with his uncommon satisfaction . if you two gentlmen  growed now , and such gentlmen  said mr . peggotty . so th are , so th are . cried ham . well said . so th are . masr davy bor  growed  th are . if you two gentlmen , growed , said mr . peggotty , dont ex cuse me for being in a state of mind , when you understand matters , ill arks your pardon . emly , my dear . knows im a going to tell , here his delight broke out again , and has made off . would you be so good as look arter her , mawther , for a minute . mrs . gummidge nodded and disappeared . if this aint , said mr . peggotty , sitting down among us by the fire , the brightest night o my life , im a shellfish  too  more i cant say . this here little emly , sir , in a low voice to steerforth , as you see a blushing here just now  steerforth only nodded but with such a pleased expression of interest , and of participation in mr . peggottys feelings , that the latter answered him as if he had spoken . to be sure , said mr . peggotty . thats her , and so she is . thankee , sir . ham nodded to me several times , as if he would have said so too . this here little emly of ours , said mr . peggotty , has been , in our house , what i suppose no one but a little bright eyed creetur can be in a house . she aint my child i never had one but i couldnt love her more . you understand . i couldnt do it . i quite understand , said steerforth . i know you do , sir , returned mr . peggotty , and thankee again . masr davy , he can remember what she was you may judge for your own self what she is but neither of you cant fully know what she has been , is , and will be , to my loving art . i am rough , sir , said mr . peggotty , i am as rough as a sea porkypine but no one , unless , mayhap , it is a woman , can know , i think , what our little emly is to me . and betwixt ourselves , sinking his voice lower yet , that womans name aint missis gummidge neither , though she has a world of merits . mr . peggotty ruffled his hair again , with both hands , as a further preparation for what he was going to say , and went on , with a hand upon each of his knees there was a certain person as had knowd our emly , from the time when her father was drownded as had seen her constant when a babby , when a young gal , when a woman . not much of a person to look at , he warnt , said mr . peggotty , something o my own build  good deal o the sou wester in him  salt  , on the whole , a honest sort of a chap , with his art in the right place . i thought i had never seen ham grin to anything like the extent to which he sat grinning at us now . what does this here blessed tarpaulin go and do , said mr . peggotty , with his face one high noon of enjoyment , but he loses that there art of his to our little emly . he follers her about , he makes hisself a sort o servant to her , he loses in a great measure his relish for his wittles , and in the long run he makes it clear to me wots amiss . now i could wish myself , you see , that our little emly was in a fair way of being married . i could wish to see her , at all ewents , under articles to a honest man as had a right to defend her . i dont know how long i may live , or how soon i may die but i know that if i was capsized , any night , in a gale of wind in yarmouth roads here , and was to see the town lights shining for the last time over the rollers as i couldnt make no head against , i could go down quieter for thinking theres a man ashore there , iron true to my little emly , god bless her , and no wrong can touch my emly while so be as that man lives . mr . peggotty , in simple earnestness , waved his right arm , as if he were waving it at the town lights for the last time , and then , exchanging a nod with ham , whose eye he caught , proceeded as before . well . i counsels him to speak to emly . hes big enough , but hes bashfuller than a little un , and he dont like . so i speak . what . him . says emly . him that ive knowd so intimate so many years , and like so much . oh , uncle . i never can have him . hes such a good fellow . i gives her a kiss , and i says no more to her than , my dear , youre right to speak out , youre to choose for yourself , youre as free as a little bird . then i aways to him , and i says , i wish it could have been so , but it cant . but you can both be as you was , and wot i say to you is , be as you was with her , like a man . he says to me , a shaking of my hand , i will . he says . and he was  and manful  two year going on , and we was just the same at home here as afore . mr . peggottys face , which had varied in its expression with the various stages of his narrative , now resumed all its former triumphant delight , as he laid a hand upon my knee and a hand upon steerforths previously wetting them both , for the greater emphasis of the action , and divided the following speech between us all of a sudden , one evening  it might be tonight  little emly from her work , and him with her . there aint so much in that , youll say . no , because he takes care on her , like a brother , arter dark , and indeed afore dark , and at all times . but this tarpaulin chap , he takes hold of her hand , and he cries out to me , joyful , look here . this is to be my little wife . and she says , half bold and half shy , and half a laughing and half a crying , yes , uncle . if you please . i please . cried mr . peggotty , rolling his head in an ecstasy at the idea lord , as if i should do anythink else . you please , i am steadier now , and i have thought better of it , and ill be as good a little wife as i can to him , for hes a dear , good fellow . then missis gummidge , she claps her hands like a play , and you come in . theer . the murders out . said mr . peggotty  come in . it took place this here present hour and heres the man thatll marry her , the minute shes out of her time . ham staggered , as well he might , under the blow mr . peggotty dealt him in his unbounded joy , as a mark of confidence and friendship but feeling called upon to say something to us , he said , with much faltering and great difficulty she warnt no higher than you was , masr davy  you first come  i thought what shed grow up to be . i see her grown up  a flower . id lay down my life for her  davy  . most content and cheerful . shes more to me  all to me that ever i can want , and more than ever i  ever i could say . i  love her true . there aint a gentlman in all the land  yet sailing upon all the sea  can love his lady more than i love her , though theres many a common man  say better  he meant . i thought it affecting to see such a sturdy fellow as ham was now , trembling in the strength of what he felt for the pretty little creature who had won his heart . i thought the simple confidence reposed in us by mr . peggotty and by himself , was , in itself , affecting . i was affected by the story altogether . how far my emotions were influenced by the recollections of my childhood , i dont know . whether i had come there with any lingering fancy that i was still to love little emly , i dont know . i know that i was filled with pleasure by all this but , at first , with an indescribably sensitive pleasure , that a very little would have changed to pain . therefore , if it had depended upon me to touch the prevailing chord among them with any skill , i should have made a poor hand of it . but it depended upon steerforth and he did it with such address , that in a few minutes we were all as easy and as happy as it was possible to be . mr . peggotty , he said , you are a thoroughly good fellow , and deserve to be as happy as you are tonight . my hand upon it . ham , i give you joy , my boy . my hand upon that , too . daisy , stir the fire , and make it a brisk one . and mr . peggotty , unless you can induce your gentle niece to come back i shall go . any gap at your fireside on such a night  a gap least of all  wouldnt make , for the wealth of the indies . so mr . peggotty went into my old room to fetch little emly . at first little emly didnt like to come , and then ham went . presently they brought her to the fireside , very much confused , and very shy  , she soon became more assured when she found how gently and respectfully steerforth spoke to her how skilfully he avoided anything that would embarrass her how he talked to mr . peggotty of boats , and ships , and tides , and fish how he referred to me about the time when he had seen mr . peggotty at salem house how delighted he was with the boat and all belonging to it how lightly and easily he carried on , until he brought us , by degrees , into a charmed circle , and we were all talking away without any reserve . emly , indeed , said little all the evening but she looked , and listened , and her face got animated , and she was charming . steerforth told a story of a dismal shipwreck which arose out of his talk with mr . peggotty , as if he saw it all before him  little emlys eyes were fastened on him all the time , as if she saw it too . he told us a merry adventure of his own , as a relief to that , with as much gaiety as if the narrative were as fresh to him as it was to us  little emly laughed until the boat rang with the musical sounds , and we all laughed in irresistible sympathy with what was so pleasant and light hearted . he got mr . peggotty to sing , or rather to roar , when the stormy winds do blow , do blow , do blow and he sang a sailors song himself , so pathetically and beautifully , that i could have almost fancied that the real wind creeping sorrowfully round the house , and murmuring low through our unbroken silence , was there to listen . as to mrs . gummidge , he roused that victim of despondency with a success never attained by anyone else since the decease of the old one . he left her so little leisure for being miserable , that she said next day she thought she must have been bewitched . but he set up no monopoly of the general attention , or the conversation . when little emly grew more courageous , and talked across the fire to me , of our old wanderings upon the beach , to pick up shells and pebbles and when i asked her if she recollected how i used to be devoted to her and when we both laughed and reddened , casting these looks back on the pleasant old times , so unreal to look at now he was silent and attentive , and observed us thoughtfully . she sat , at this time , and all the evening , on the old locker in her old little corner by the fire  beside her , where i used to sit . i could not satisfy myself whether it was in her own little tormenting way , or in a maidenly reserve before us , that she kept quite close to the wall , and away from him but i observed that she did so , all the evening . as i remember , it was almost midnight when we took our leave . we had some biscuit and dried fish for supper , and steerforth had produced from his pocket a full flask of hollands , which we men i may say we men , now , without a blush had emptied . we parted merrily and as they all stood crowded round the door to light us as far as they could upon our road , i saw the sweet blue eyes of little emly peeping after us , from behind ham , and heard her soft voice calling to us to be careful how we went . a most engaging little beauty . said steerforth , taking my arm . well . its a quaint place , and they are quaint company , and its quite a new sensation to mix with them . how fortunate we are , too , i returned , to have arrived to witness their happiness in that intended marriage . i never saw people so happy . how delightful to see it , and to be made the sharers in their honest joy , as we have been . thats rather a chuckle headed fellow for the girl isnt he . said steerforth . he had been so hearty with him , and with them all , that i felt a shock in this unexpected and cold reply . but turning quickly upon him , and seeing a laugh in his eyes , i answered , much relieved ah , steerforth . its well for you to joke about the poor . you may skirmish with miss dartle , or try to hide your sympathies in jest from me , but i know better . when i see how perfectly you understand them , how exquisitely you can enter into happiness like this plain fishermans , or humour a love like my old nurses , i know that there is not a joy or sorrow , not an emotion , of such people , that can be indifferent to you . and i admire and love you for it , steerforth , twenty times the more . he stopped , and , looking in my face , said , daisy , i believe you are in earnest , and are good . i wish we all were . next moment he was gaily singing mr . peggottys song , as we walked at a round pace back to yarmouth . chapter . some old scenes , and some new people steerforth and i stayed for more than a fortnight in that part of the country . we were very much together , i need not say but occasionally we were asunder for some hours at a time . he was a good sailor , and i was but an indifferent one and when he went out boating with mr . peggotty , which was a favourite amusement of his , i generally remained ashore . my occupation of peggottys spare room put a constraint upon me , from which he was free for , knowing how assiduously she attended on mr . barkis all day , i did not like to remain out late at night whereas steerforth , lying at the inn , had nothing to consult but his own humour . thus it came about , that i heard of his making little treats for the fishermen at mr . peggottys house of call , the willing mind , after i was in bed , and of his being afloat , wrapped in fishermens clothes , whole moonlight nights , and coming back when the morning tide was at flood . by this time , however , i knew that his restless nature and bold spirits delighted to find a vent in rough toil and hard weather , as in any other means of excitement that presented itself freshly to him so none of his proceedings surprised me . another cause of our being sometimes apart , was , that i had naturally an interest in going over to blunderstone , and revisiting the old familiar scenes of my childhood while steerforth , after being there once , had naturally no great interest in going there again . hence , on three or four days that i can at once recall , we went our several ways after an early breakfast , and met again at a late dinner . i had no idea how he employed his time in the interval , beyond a general knowledge that he was very popular in the place , and had twenty means of actively diverting himself where another man might not have found one . for my own part , my occupation in my solitary pilgrimages was to recall every yard of the old road as i went along it , and to haunt the old spots , of which i never tired . i haunted them , as my memory had often done , and lingered among them as my younger thoughts had lingered when i was far away . the grave beneath the tree , where both my parents lay  which i had looked out , when it was my fathers only , with such curious feelings of compassion , and by which i had stood , so desolate , when it was opened to receive my pretty mother and her baby  grave which peggottys own faithful care had ever since kept neat , and made a garden of , i walked near , by the hour . it lay a little off the churchyard path , in a quiet corner , not so far removed but i could read the names upon the stone as i walked to and fro , startled by the sound of the church bell when it struck the hour , for it was like a departed voice to me . my reflections at these times were always associated with the figure i was to make in life , and the distinguished things i was to do . my echoing footsteps went to no other tune , but were as constant to that as if i had come home to build my castles in the air at a living mothers side . there were great changes in my old home . the ragged nests , so long deserted by the rooks , were gone and the trees were lopped and topped out of their remembered shapes . the garden had run wild , and half the windows of the house were shut up . it was occupied , but only by a poor lunatic gentleman , and the people who took care of him . he was always sitting at my little window , looking out into the churchyard and i wondered whether his rambling thoughts ever went upon any of the fancies that used to occupy mine , on the rosy mornings when i peeped out of that same little window in my night clothes, , and saw the sheep quietly feeding in the light of the rising sun . our old neighbours , mr . and mrs . grayper , were gone to south america , and the rain had made its way through the roof of their empty house , and stained the outer walls . mr . chillip was married again to a tall , raw boned, , high nosed wife and they had a weazen little baby , with a heavy head that it couldnt hold up , and two weak staring eyes , with which it seemed to be always wondering why it had ever been born . it was with a singular jumble of sadness and pleasure that i used to linger about my native place , until the reddening winter sun admonished me that it was time to start on my returning walk . but , when the place was left behind , and especially when steerforth and i were happily seated over our dinner by a blazing fire , it was delicious to think of having been there . so it was , though in a softened degree , when i went to my neat room at night and , turning over the leaves of the crocodile book remembered with a grateful heart how blest i was in having such a friend as steerforth , such a friend as peggotty , and such a substitute for what i had lost as my excellent and generous aunt . my nearest way to yarmouth , in coming back from these long walks , was by a ferry . it landed me on the flat between the town and the sea , which i could make straight across , and so save myself a considerable circuit by the high road . mr . peggottys house being on that waste place, , and not a hundred yards out of my track , i always looked in as i went by . steerforth was pretty sure to be there expecting me , and we went on together through the frosty air and gathering fog towards the twinkling lights of the town . one dark evening , when i was later than usual  i had , that day , been making my parting visit to blunderstone , as we were now about to return home  found him alone in mr . peggottys house , sitting thoughtfully before the fire . he was so intent upon his own reflections that he was quite unconscious of my approach . this , indeed , he might easily have been if he had been less absorbed , for footsteps fell noiselessly on the sandy ground outside but even my entrance failed to rouse him . i was standing close to him , looking at him and still , with a heavy brow , he was lost in his meditations . he gave such a start when i put my hand upon his shoulder , that he made me start too . you come upon me , he said , almost angrily , like a reproachful ghost . i was obliged to announce myself , somehow , i replied . have i called you down from the stars . no , he answered . no . up from anywhere , then . said i , taking my seat near him . i was looking at the pictures in the fire , he returned . but you are spoiling them for me , said i , as he stirred it quickly with a piece of burning wood , striking out of it a train of red hot sparks that went careering up the little chimney , and roaring out into the air . you would not have seen them , he returned . i detest this mongrel time , neither day nor night . how late you are . where have you been . i have been taking leave of my usual walk , said i . and i have been sitting here , said steerforth , glancing round the room , thinking that all the people we found so glad on the night of our coming down , might  judge from the present wasted air of the place  dispersed , or dead , or come to i dont know what harm . david , i wish to god i had a judicious father these last twenty years . my dear steerforth , what is the matter . i wish with all my soul i had been better guided . he exclaimed . i wish with all my soul i could guide myself better . there was a passionate dejection in his manner that quite amazed me . he was more unlike himself than i could have supposed possible . it would be better to be this poor peggotty , or his lout of a nephew , he said , getting up and leaning moodily against the chimney piece, , with his face towards the fire , than to be myself , twenty times richer and twenty times wiser , and be the torment to myself that i have been , in this devils bark of a boat , within the last half hour . i was so confounded by the alteration in him , that at first i could only observe him in silence , as he stood leaning his head upon his hand , and looking gloomily down at the fire . at length i begged him , with all the earnestness i felt , to tell me what had occurred to cross him so unusually , and to let me sympathize with him , if i could not hope to advise him . before i had well concluded , he began to laugh  at first , but soon with returning gaiety . tut , its nothing , daisy . nothing . he replied . i told you at the inn in london , i am heavy company for myself , sometimes . i have been a nightmare to myself , just now  have had one , i think . at odd dull times , nursery tales come up into the memory , unrecognized for what they are . i believe i have been confounding myself with the bad boy who didnt care , and became food for lions  grander kind of going to the dogs , i suppose . what old women call the horrors , have been creeping over me from head to foot . i have been afraid of myself . you are afraid of nothing else , i think , said i . perhaps not , and yet may have enough to be afraid of too , he answered . well . so it goes by . i am not about to be hipped again , david but i tell you , my good fellow , once more , that it would have been well for me if i had a steadfast and judicious father . his face was always full of expression , but i never saw it express such a dark kind of earnestness as when he said these words , with his glance bent on the fire . so much for that . he said , making as if he tossed something light into the air , with his hand . why , being gone , i am a man again , like macbeth . and now for dinner . if i have not broken up the feast with most admired disorder , daisy . but where are they all , i wonder . said i . god knows , said steerforth . after strolling to the ferry looking for you , i strolled in here and found the place deserted . that set me thinking , and you found me thinking . the advent of mrs . gummidge with a basket , explained how the house had happened to be empty . she had hurried out to buy something that was needed , against mr . peggottys return with the tide and had left the door open in the meanwhile , lest ham and little emly , with whom it was an early night , should come home while she was gone . steerforth , after very much improving mrs . gummidges spirits by a cheerful salutation and a jocose embrace , took my arm , and hurried me away . he had improved his own spirits , no less than mrs . gummidges , for they were again at their usual flow , and he was full of vivacious conversation as we went along . and so , he said , gaily , we abandon this buccaneer life tomorrow , do we . so we agreed , i returned . and our places by the coach are taken , you know . ay . theres no help for it , i suppose , said steerforth . i have almost forgotten that there is anything to do in the world but to go out tossing on the sea here . i wish there was not . as long as the novelty should last , said i , laughing . like enough , he returned though theres a sarcastic meaning in that observation for an amiable piece of innocence like my young friend . well . i dare say i am a capricious fellow , david . i know i am but while the iron is hot , i can strike it vigorously too . i could pass a reasonably good examination already , as a pilot in these waters , i think . mr . peggotty says you are a wonder , i returned . a nautical phenomenon , eh . laughed steerforth . indeed he does , and you know how truly i know how ardent you are in any pursuit you follow , and how easily you can master it . and that amazes me most in you , steerforth  you should be contented with such fitful uses of your powers . contented . he answered , merrily . i am never contented , except with your freshness , my gentle daisy . as to fitfulness , i have never learnt the art of binding myself to any of the wheels on which the ixions of these days are turning round and round . i missed it somehow in a bad apprenticeship , and now dont care about it . know i have bought a boat down here . what an extraordinary fellow you are , steerforth . i exclaimed , stopping  this was the first i had heard of it . when you may never care to come near the place again . i dont know that , he returned . i have taken a fancy to the place . at all events , walking me briskly on , i have bought a boat that was for sale  clipper , mr . peggotty says and so she is  mr . peggotty will be master of her in my absence . now i understand you , steerforth . said i , exultingly . you pretend to have bought it for yourself , but you have really done so to confer a benefit on him . i might have known as much at first , knowing you . my dear kind steerforth , how can i tell you what i think of your generosity . tush . he answered , turning red . the less said , the better . didnt i know . cried i , didnt i say that there was not a joy , or sorrow , or any emotion of such honest hearts that was indifferent to you . aye , he answered , you told me all that . there let it rest . we have said enough . afraid of offending him by pursuing the subject when he made so light of it , i only pursued it in my thoughts as we went on at even a quicker pace than before . she must be newly rigged , said steerforth , and i shall leave littimer behind to see it done , that i may know she is quite complete . did i tell you littimer had come down . no . oh yes . came down this morning , with a letter from my mother . as our looks met , i observed that he was pale even to his lips , though he looked very steadily at me . i feared that some difference between him and his mother might have led to his being in the frame of mind in which i had found him at the solitary fireside . i hinted so . oh no . he said , shaking his head , and giving a slight laugh . nothing of the sort . yes . he is come down , that man of mine . the same as ever . said i . the same as ever , said steerforth . distant and quiet as the north pole . he shall see to the boat being fresh named . shes the stormy petrel now . what does mr . peggotty care for stormy petrels . ill have her christened again . by what name . i asked . the little emly . as he had continued to look steadily at me , i took it as a reminder that he objected to being extolled for his consideration . i could not help showing in my face how much it pleased me , but i said little , and he resumed his usual smile , and seemed relieved . but see here , he said , looking before us , where the original little emly comes . and that fellow with her , eh . upon my soul , hes a true knight . he never leaves her . ham was a boat builder in these days , having improved a natural ingenuity in that handicraft , until he had become a skilled workman . he was in his working dress, , and looked rugged enough , but manly withal , and a very fit protector for the blooming little creature at his side . indeed , there was a frankness in his face , an honesty , and an undisguised show of his pride in her , and his love for her , which were , to me , the best of good looks . i thought , as they came towards us , that they were well matched even in that particular . she withdrew her hand timidly from his arm as we stopped to speak to them , and blushed as she gave it to steerforth and to me . when they passed on , after we had exchanged a few words , she did not like to replace that hand , but , still appearing timid and constrained , walked by herself . i thought all this very pretty and engaging , and steerforth seemed to think so too , as we looked after them fading away in the light of a young moon . suddenly there passed us  following them  young woman whose approach we had not observed , but whose face i saw as she went by , and thought i had a faint remembrance of . she was lightly dressed looked bold , and haggard , and flaunting , and poor but seemed , for the time , to have given all that to the wind which was blowing , and to have nothing in her mind but going after them . as the dark distant level , absorbing their figures into itself , left but itself visible between us and the sea and clouds , her figure disappeared in like manner , still no nearer to them than before . that is a black shadow to be following the girl , said steerforth , standing still what does it mean . he spoke in a low voice that sounded almost strange to me . she must have it in her mind to beg of them , i think , said i . a beggar would be no novelty , said steerforth but it is a strange thing that the beggar should take that shape tonight . why . i asked . for no better reason , truly , than because i was thinking , he said , after a pause , of something like it , when it came by . where the devil did it come from , i wonder . from the shadow of this wall , i think , said i , as we emerged upon a road on which a wall abutted . its gone . he returned , looking over his shoulder . and all ill go with it . now for our dinner . but he looked again over his shoulder towards the sea line glimmering afar off , and yet again . and he wondered about it , in some broken expressions , several times , in the short remainder of our walk and only seemed to forget it when the light of fire and candle shone upon us , seated warm and merry , at table . littimer was there , and had his usual effect upon me . when i said to him that i hoped mrs . steerforth and miss dartle were well , he answered respectfully that they were tolerably well , he thanked me , and had sent their compliments . this was all , and yet he seemed to me to say as plainly as a man could say you are very young , sir you are exceedingly young . we had almost finished dinner , when taking a step or two towards the table , from the corner where he kept watch upon us , or rather upon me , as i felt , he said to his master i beg your pardon , sir . miss mowcher is down here . who . cried steerforth , much astonished . miss mowcher , sir . why , what on earth does she do here . said steerforth . it appears to be her native part of the country , sir . she informs me that she makes one of her professional visits here , every year , sir . i met her in the street this afternoon , and she wished to know if she might have the honour of waiting on you after dinner , sir . do you know the giantess in question , daisy . inquired steerforth . i was obliged to confess  felt ashamed , even of being at this disadvantage before littimer  miss mowcher and i were wholly unacquainted . then you shall know her , said steerforth , for she is one of the seven wonders of the world . when miss mowcher comes , show her in . i felt some curiosity and excitement about this lady , especially as steerforth burst into a fit of laughing when i referred to her , and positively refused to answer any question of which i made her the subject . i remained , therefore , in a state of considerable expectation until the cloth had been removed some half an hour , and we were sitting over our decanter of wine before the fire , when the door opened , and littimer , with his habitual serenity quite undisturbed , announced miss mowcher . i looked at the doorway and saw nothing . i was still looking at the doorway , thinking that miss mowcher was a long while making her appearance , when , to my infinite astonishment , there came waddling round a sofa which stood between me and it , a pursy dwarf , of about forty or forty five, , with a very large head and face , a pair of roguish grey eyes , and such extremely little arms , that , to enable herself to lay a finger archly against her snub nose , as she ogled steerforth , she was obliged to meet the finger half way, , and lay her nose against it . her chin , which was what is called a double chin , was so fat that it entirely swallowed up the strings of her bonnet , bow and all . throat she had none waist she had none legs she had none , worth mentioning for though she was more than full sized down to where her waist would have been , if she had any , and though she terminated , as human beings generally do , in a pair of feet , she was so short that she stood at a common sized chair as at a table , resting a bag she carried on the seat . this lady  in an off hand, , easy style bringing her nose and her forefinger together , with the difficulty i have described standing with her head necessarily on one side , and , with one of her sharp eyes shut up , making an uncommonly knowing face  ogling steerforth for a few moments , broke into a torrent of words . what . my flower . she pleasantly began , shaking her large head at him . youre there , are you . oh , you naughty boy , fie for shame , what do you do so far away from home . up to mischief , ill be bound . oh , youre a downy fellow , steerforth , so you are , and im another , aint i . ha , . youd have betted a hundred pound to five , now , that you wouldnt have seen me here , wouldnt you . bless you , man alive , im everywhere . im here and there , and where not , like the conjurers half crown in the ladys handkercher . talking of handkerchers  talking of ladies  a comfort you are to your blessed mother , aint you , my dear boy , over one of my shoulders , and i dont say which . miss mowcher untied her bonnet , at this passage of her discourse , threw back the strings , and sat down , panting , on a footstool in front of the fire  a kind of arbour of the dining table , which spread its mahogany shelter above her head . oh my stars and whats their . she went on , clapping a hand on each of her little knees , and glancing shrewdly at me , im of too full a habit , thats the fact , steerforth . after a flight of stairs , it gives me as much trouble to draw every breath i want , as if it was a bucket of water . if you saw me looking out of an upper window , youd think i was a fine woman , wouldnt you . i should think that , wherever i saw you , replied steerforth . go along , you dog , do . cried the little creature , making a whisk at him with the handkerchief with which she was wiping her face , and dont be impudent . but i give you my word and honour i was at lady mitherss last week  a woman . how she wears . mithers himself came into the room where i was waiting for her  a man . how he wears . and his wig too , for hes had it these ten years  he went on at that rate in the complimentary line , that i began to think i should be obliged to ring the bell . ha . ha . ha . hes a pleasant wretch , but he wants principle . what were you doing for lady mithers . asked steerforth . thats tellings , my blessed infant , she retorted , tapping her nose again , screwing up her face , and twinkling her eyes like an imp of supernatural intelligence . never you mind . youd like to know whether i stop her hair from falling off , or dye it , or touch up her complexion , or improve her eyebrows , wouldnt you . and so you shall , my darling  i tell you . do you know what my great grandfathers name was . no , said steerforth . it was walker , my sweet pet , replied miss mowcher , and he came of a long line of walkers , that i inherit all the hookey estates from . i never beheld anything approaching to miss mowchers wink except miss mowchers self possession . she had a wonderful way too , when listening to what was said to her , or when waiting for an answer to what she had said herself , of pausing with her head cunningly on one side , and one eye turned up like a magpies . altogether i was lost in amazement , and sat staring at her , quite oblivious , i am afraid , of the laws of politeness . she had by this time drawn the chair to her side , and was busily engaged in producing from the bag plunging in her short arm to the shoulder , at every dive a number of small bottles , sponges , combs , brushes , bits of flannel , little pairs of curling irons, , and other instruments , which she tumbled in a heap upon the chair . from this employment she suddenly desisted , and said to steerforth , much to my confusion whos your friend . mr . copperfield , said steerforth he wants to know you . well , then , he shall . i thought he looked as if he did . returned miss mowcher , waddling up to me , bag in hand , and laughing on me as she came . face like a peach . standing on tiptoe to pinch my cheek as i sat . quite tempting . im very fond of peaches . happy to make your acquaintance , mr . copperfield , im sure . i said that i congratulated myself on having the honour to make hers , and that the happiness was mutual . oh , my goodness , how polite we are . exclaimed miss mowcher , making a preposterous attempt to cover her large face with her morsel of a hand . what a world of gammon and spinnage it is , though , aint it . this was addressed confidentially to both of us , as the morsel of a hand came away from the face , and buried itself , arm and all , in the bag again . what do you mean , miss mowcher . said steerforth . ha . ha . ha . what a refreshing set of humbugs we are , to be sure , aint we , my sweet child . replied that morsel of a woman , feeling in the bag with her head on one side and her eye in the air . look here . taking something out . scraps of the russian princes nails . prince alphabet turned topsy turvy, , i call him , for his names got all the letters in it , higgledy piggledy . the russian prince is a client of yours , is he . said steerforth . i believe you , my pet , replied miss mowcher . i keep his nails in order for him . twice a week . fingers and toes . he pays well , i hope . said steerforth . pays , as he speaks , my dear child  the nose , replied miss mowcher . none of your close shavers the prince aint . youd say so , if you saw his moustachios . red by nature , black by art . by your art , of course , said steerforth . miss mowcher winked assent . forced to send for me . couldnt help it . the climate affected his dye it did very well in russia , but it was no go here . you never saw such a rusty prince in all your born days as he was . like old iron . is that why you called him a humbug , just now . inquired steerforth . oh , youre a broth of a boy , aint you . returned miss mowcher , shaking her head violently . i said , what a set of humbugs we were in general , and i showed you the scraps of the princes nails to prove it . the princes nails do more for me in private families of the genteel sort , than all my talents put together . i always carry em about . theyre the best introduction . if miss mowcher cuts the princes nails , she must be all right . i give em away to the young ladies . they put em in albums , i believe . ha . ha . ha . upon my life , the whole social system as the men call it when they make speeches in parliament is a system of princes nails . said this least of women , trying to fold her short arms , and nodding her large head . steerforth laughed heartily , and i laughed too . miss mowcher continuing all the time to shake her head and to look into the air with one eye , and to wink with the other . well , . she said , smiting her small knees , and rising , this is not business . come , steerforth , lets explore the polar regions , and have it over . she then selected two or three of the little instruments , and a little bottle , and asked if the table would bear . on steerforths replying in the affirmative , she pushed a chair against it , and begging the assistance of my hand , mounted up , pretty nimbly , to the top , as if it were a stage . if either of you saw my ankles , she said , when she was safely elevated , say so , and ill go home and destroy myself . i did not , said steerforth . i did not , said i . well then , cried miss mowcher , ill consent to live . now , ducky , come to mrs . bond and be killed . this was an invocation to steerforth to place himself under her hands who , accordingly , sat himself down , with his back to the table , and his laughing face towards me , and submitted his head to her inspection , evidently for no other purpose than our entertainment . to see miss mowcher standing over him , looking at his rich profusion of brown hair through a large round magnifying glass , which she took out of her pocket , was a most amazing spectacle . youre a pretty fellow . said miss mowcher , after a brief inspection . youd be as bald as a friar on the top of your head in twelve months , but for me . just half a minute , my young friend , and well give you a polishing that shall keep your curls on for the next ten years . with this , she tilted some of the contents of the little bottle on to one of the little bits of flannel , and , again imparting some of the virtues of that preparation to one of the little brushes , began rubbing and scraping away with both on the crown of steerforths head in the busiest manner i ever witnessed , talking all the time . theres charley pyegrave , the dukes son , she said . you know charley . peeping round into his face . a little , said steerforth . what a man he is . theres a whisker . as to charleys legs , if they were only a pair theyd defy competition . would you believe he tried to do without me  the life guards, , too . mad . said steerforth . it looks like it . however , mad or sane , he tried , returned miss mowcher . what does he do , but , lo and behold you , he goes into a perfumers shop , and wants to buy a bottle of the madagascar liquid . charley does . said steerforth . charley does . but they havent got any of the madagascar liquid . what is it . something to drink . asked steerforth . to drink . returned miss mowcher , stopping to slap his cheek . to doctor his own moustachios with , you know . there was a woman in the shop  female  a griffin  had never even heard of it by name . begging pardon , sir , said the griffin to charley , its not  rouge , is it . rouge , said charley to the griffin . what the unmentionable to ears polite , do you think i want with rouge . no offence , sir , said the griffin we have it asked for by so many names , i thought it might be . now that , my child , continued miss mowcher , rubbing all the time as busily as ever , is another instance of the refreshing humbug i was speaking of . i do something in that way myself  a good deal  a little  the word , my dear boy  mind . in what way do you mean . in the rouge way . said steerforth . put this and that together , my tender pupil , returned the wary mowcher , touching her nose , work it by the rule of secrets in all trades , and the product will give you the desired result . i say i do a little in that way myself . one dowager , she calls it lip salve . another , she calls it gloves . another , she calls it tucker edging . another , she calls it a fan . i call it whatever they call it . i supply it for em , but we keep up the trick so , to one another , and make believe with such a face , that theyd as soon think of laying it on , before a whole drawing room, , as before me . and when i wait upon em , theyll say to me sometimes  it on  , and no mistake  am i looking , mowcher . am i pale . ha . ha . ha . ha . isnt that refreshing , my young friend . i never did in my days behold anything like mowcher as she stood upon the dining table , intensely enjoying this refreshment , rubbing busily at steerforths head , and winking at me over it . ah . she said . such things are not much in demand hereabouts . that sets me off again . i havent seen a pretty woman since ive been here , jemmy . no . said steerforth . not the ghost of one , replied miss mowcher . we could show her the substance of one , i think . said steerforth , addressing his eyes to mine . eh , daisy . yes , indeed , said i . aha . cried the little creature , glancing sharply at my face , and then peeping round at steerforths . umph . the first exclamation sounded like a question put to both of us , and the second like a question put to steerforth only . she seemed to have found no answer to either , but continued to rub , with her head on one side and her eye turned up , as if she were looking for an answer in the air and were confident of its appearing presently . a sister of yours , mr . copperfield . she cried , after a pause , and still keeping the same look out . aye , . no , said steerforth , before i could reply . nothing of the sort . on the contrary , mr . copperfield used  i am much mistaken  have a great admiration for her . why , hasnt he now . returned miss mowcher . is he fickle . oh , for shame . did he sip every flower , and change every hour , until polly his passion requited . her name polly . the elfin suddenness with which she pounced upon me with this question , and a searching look , quite disconcerted me for a moment . no , miss mowcher , i replied . her name is emily . aha . she cried exactly as before . umph . what a rattle i am . mr . copperfield , aint i volatile . her tone and look implied something that was not agreeable to me in connexion with the subject . so i said , in a graver manner than any of us had yet assumed she is as virtuous as she is pretty . she is engaged to be married to a most worthy and deserving man in her own station of life . i esteem her for her good sense , as much as i admire her for her good looks . well said . cried steerforth . hear , . now ill quench the curiosity of this little fatima , my dear daisy , by leaving her nothing to guess at . she is at present apprenticed , miss mowcher , or articled , or whatever it may be , to omer and joram , haberdashers , milliners , and so forth , in this town . do you observe . omer and joram . the promise of which my friend has spoken , is made and entered into with her cousin christian name , ham surname , peggotty occupation , boat builder also of this town . she lives with a relative christian name , unknown surname , peggotty occupation , seafaring also of this town . she is the prettiest and most engaging little fairy in the world . i admire her  my friend does  . if it were not that i might appear to disparage her intended , which i know my friend would not like , i would add , that to me she seems to be throwing herself away that i am sure she might do better and that i swear she was born to be a lady . miss mowcher listened to these words , which were very slowly and distinctly spoken , with her head on one side , and her eye in the air as if she were still looking for that answer . when he ceased she became brisk again in an instant , and rattled away with surprising volubility . oh . and thats all about it , is it . she exclaimed , trimming his whiskers with a little restless pair of scissors , that went glancing round his head in all directions . very well very well . quite a long story . ought to end and they lived happy ever afterwards oughtnt it . ah . whats that game at forfeits . i love my love with an e , because shes enticing i hate her with an e , because shes engaged . i took her to the sign of the exquisite , and treated her with an elopement , her names emily , and she lives in the east . ha . ha . ha . mr . copperfield , aint i volatile . merely looking at me with extravagant slyness , and not waiting for any reply , she continued , without drawing breath there . if ever any scapegrace was trimmed and touched up to perfection , you are , steerforth . if i understand any noddle in the world , i understand yours . do you hear me when i tell you that , my darling . i understand yours , peeping down into his face . now you may mizzle , jemmy and if mr . copperfield will take the chair ill operate on him . what do you say , daisy . inquired steerforth , laughing , and resigning his seat . will you be improved . thank you , miss mowcher , not this evening . dont say no , returned the little woman , looking at me with the aspect of a connoisseur a little bit more eyebrow . thank you , i returned , some other time . have it carried half a quarter of an inch towards the temple , said miss mowcher . we can do it in a fortnight . no , i thank you . not at present . go in for a tip , she urged . no . lets get the scaffolding up , then , for a pair of whiskers . come . i could not help blushing as i declined , for i felt we were on my weak point , now . but miss mowcher , finding that i was not at present disposed for any decoration within the range of her art , and that i was , for the time being , proof against the blandishments of the small bottle which she held up before one eye to enforce her persuasions , said we would make a beginning on an early day , and requested the aid of my hand to descend from her elevated station . thus assisted , she skipped down with much agility , and began to tie her double chin into her bonnet . the fee , said steerforth , is  five bob , replied miss mowcher , and dirt cheap , my chicken . aint i volatile , mr . copperfield . i replied politely not at all . but i thought she was rather so , when she tossed up his two half crowns like a goblin pieman , caught them , dropped them in her pocket , and gave it a loud slap . thats the till . observed miss mowcher , standing at the chair again , and replacing in the bag a miscellaneous collection of little objects she had emptied out of it . have i got all my traps . it seems so . it wont do to be like long ned beadwood , when they took him to church to marry him to somebody , as he says , and left the bride behind . ha . ha . ha . a wicked rascal , ned , but droll . now , i know im going to break your hearts , but i am forced to leave you . you must call up all your fortitude , and try to bear it . good bye, , mr . copperfield . take care of yourself , jockey of norfolk . how i have been rattling on . its all the fault of you two wretches . i forgive you . bob swore . the englishman said for good night , when he first learnt french , and thought it so like english . bob swore , my ducks . with the bag slung over her arm , and rattling as she waddled away , she waddled to the door , where she stopped to inquire if she should leave us a lock of her hair . aint i volatile . she added , as a commentary on this offer , and , with her finger on her nose , departed . steerforth laughed to that degree , that it was impossible for me to help laughing too though i am not sure i should have done so , but for this inducement . when we had our laugh quite out , which was after some time , he told me that miss mowcher had quite an extensive connexion , and made herself useful to a variety of people in a variety of ways . some people trifled with her as a mere oddity , he said but she was as shrewdly and sharply observant as anyone he knew , and as long headed as she was short armed . he told me that what she had said of being here , and there , and everywhere , was true enough for she made little darts into the provinces , and seemed to pick up customers everywhere , and to know everybody . i asked him what her disposition was whether it was at all mischievous , and if her sympathies were generally on the right side of things but , not succeeding in attracting his attention to these questions after two or three attempts , i forbore or forgot to repeat them . he told me instead , with much rapidity , a good deal about her skill , and her profits and about her being a scientific cupper , if i should ever have occasion for her service in that capacity . she was the principal theme of our conversation during the evening and when we parted for the night steerforth called after me over the banisters , bob swore . as i went downstairs . i was surprised , when i came to mr . barkiss house , to find ham walking up and down in front of it , and still more surprised to learn from him that little emly was inside . i naturally inquired why he was not there too , instead of pacing the streets by himself . why , you see , masr davy , he rejoined , in a hesitating manner , emly , shes talking to some un in here . i should have thought , said i , smiling , that was a reason for your being in here too , ham . well , masr davy , in a general way , so t would be , he returned but lookee here , masr davy , lowering his voice , and speaking very gravely . its a young woman , sir  young woman , that emly knowed once , and doent ought to know no more . when i heard these words , a light began to fall upon the figure i had seen following them , some hours ago . its a poor wurem , masr davy , said ham , as is trod under foot by all the town . up street and down street . the mowld o the churchyard dont hold any that the folk shrink away from , more . did i see her tonight , ham , on the sand , after we met you . keeping us in sight . said ham . its like you did , masr davy . not that i knowd then , she was theer , sir , but along of her creeping soon arterwards under emlys little winder , when she see the light come , and whispering emly , for christs sake , have a womans heart towards me . i was once like you . those was solemn words , masr davy , fur to hear . they were indeed , ham . what did emly do . says emly , martha , is it you . oh , martha , can it be you . they had sat at work together , many a day , at mr . omers . i recollect her now . cried i , recalling one of the two girls i had seen when i first went there . i recollect her quite well . martha endell , said ham . two or three year older than emly , but was at the school with her . i never heard her name , said i . i didnt mean to interrupt you . for the matter o that , masr davy , replied ham , alls told amost in them words , emly , for christs sake , have a womans heart towards me . i was once like you . she wanted to speak to emly . emly couldnt speak to her theer , for her loving uncle was come home , and he wouldnt  , masr davy , said ham , with great earnestness , he couldnt , kind naturd, , tender hearted as he is , see them two together , side by side , for all the treasures thats wrecked in the sea . i felt how true this was . i knew it , on the instant , quite as well as ham . so emly writes in pencil on a bit of paper , he pursued , and gives it to her out o winder to bring here . show that , she says , to my aunt , mrs . barkis , and shell set you down by her fire , for the love of me , till uncle is gone out , and i can come . by and by she tells me what i tell you , masr davy , and asks me to bring her . what can i do . she doent ought to know any such , but i cant deny her , when the tears is on her face . he put his hand into the breast of his shaggy jacket , and took out with great care a pretty little purse . and if i could deny her when the tears was on her face , masr davy , said ham , tenderly adjusting it on the rough palm of his hand , how could i deny her when she give me this to carry for her  what she brought it for . such a toy as it is . said ham , thoughtfully looking on it . with such a little money in it , emly my dear . i shook him warmly by the hand when he had put it away again  that was more satisfactory to me than saying anything  we walked up and down , for a minute or two , in silence . the door opened then , and peggotty appeared , beckoning to ham to come in . i would have kept away , but she came after me , entreating me to come in too . even then , i would have avoided the room where they all were , but for its being the neat tiled kitchen i have mentioned more than once . the door opening immediately into it , i found myself among them before i considered whither i was going . the girl  same i had seen upon the sands  near the fire . she was sitting on the ground , with her head and one arm lying on a chair . i fancied , from the disposition of her figure , that emly had but newly risen from the chair , and that the forlorn head might perhaps have been lying on her lap . i saw but little of the girls face , over which her hair fell loose and scattered , as if she had been disordering it with her own hands but i saw that she was young , and of a fair complexion . peggotty had been crying . so had little emly . not a word was spoken when we first went in and the dutch clock by the dresser seemed , in the silence , to tick twice as loud as usual . emly spoke first . martha wants , she said to ham , to go to london . why to london . returned ham . he stood between them , looking on the prostrate girl with a mixture of compassion for her , and of jealousy of her holding any companionship with her whom he loved so well , which i have always remembered distinctly . they both spoke as if she were ill in a soft , suppressed tone that was plainly heard , although it hardly rose above a whisper . better there than here , said a third voice aloud  , though she did not move . no one knows me there . everybody knows me here . what will she do there . inquired ham . she lifted up her head , and looked darkly round at him for a moment then laid it down again , and curved her right arm about her neck , as a woman in a fever , or in an agony of pain from a shot , might twist herself . she will try to do well , said little emly . you dont know what she has said to us . does he  they  . peggotty shook her head compassionately . ill try , said martha , if youll help me away . i never can do worse than i have done here . i may do better . oh . with a dreadful shiver , take me out of these streets , where the whole town knows me from a child . as emly held out her hand to ham , i saw him put in it a little canvas bag . she took it , as if she thought it were her purse , and made a step or two forward but finding her mistake , came back to where he had retired near me , and showed it to him . its all yourn , emly , i could hear him say . i havent nowt in all the wureld that aint yourn , my dear . it aint of no delight to me , except for you . the tears rose freshly in her eyes , but she turned away and went to martha . what she gave her , i dont know . i saw her stooping over her , and putting money in her bosom . she whispered something , as she asked was that enough . more than enough , the other said , and took her hand and kissed it . then martha arose , and gathering her shawl about her , covering her face with it , and weeping aloud , went slowly to the door . she stopped a moment before going out , as if she would have uttered something or turned back but no word passed her lips . making the same low , dreary , wretched moaning in her shawl , she went away . as the door closed , little emly looked at us three in a hurried manner and then hid her face in her hands , and fell to sobbing . doent , emly . said ham , tapping her gently on the shoulder . doent , my dear . you doent ought to cry so , pretty . oh , ham . she exclaimed , still weeping pitifully , i am not so good a girl as i ought to be . i know i have not the thankful heart , sometimes , i ought to have . yes , you have , im sure , said ham . no . no . no . cried little emly , sobbing , and shaking her head . i am not as good a girl as i ought to be . not near . not near . and still she cried , as if her heart would break . i try your love too much . i know i do . she sobbed . im often cross to you , and changeable with you , when i ought to be far different . you are never so to me . why am i ever so to you , when i should think of nothing but how to be grateful , and to make you happy . you always make me so , said ham , my dear . i am happy in the sight of you . i am happy , all day long , in the thoughts of you . ah . thats not enough . she cried . that is because you are good not because i am . oh , my dear , it might have been a better fortune for you , if you had been fond of someone else  someone steadier and much worthier than me , who was all bound up in you , and never vain and changeable like me . poor little tender heart, , said ham , in a low voice . martha has overset her , altogether . please , aunt , sobbed emly , come here , and let me lay my head upon you . oh , i am very miserable tonight , aunt . oh , i am not as good a girl as i ought to be . i am not , i know . peggotty had hastened to the chair before the fire . emly , with her arms around her neck , kneeled by her , looking up most earnestly into her face . oh , pray , aunt , try to help me . ham , dear , try to help me . mr . david , for the sake of old times , do , please , try to help me . i want to be a better girl than i am . i want to feel a hundred times more thankful than i do . i want to feel more , what a blessed thing it is to be the wife of a good man , and to lead a peaceful life . oh me , oh me . oh my heart , my heart . she dropped her face on my old nurses breast , and , ceasing this supplication , which in its agony and grief was half a womans , half a childs , as all her manner was being , in that , more natural , and better suited to her beauty , as i thought , than any other manner could have been , wept silently , while my old nurse hushed her like an infant . she got calmer by degrees , and then we soothed her now talking encouragingly , and now jesting a little with her , until she began to raise her head and speak to us . so we got on , until she was able to smile , and then to laugh , and then to sit up , half ashamed while peggotty recalled her stray ringlets , dried her eyes , and made her neat again , lest her uncle should wonder , when she got home , why his darling had been crying . i saw her do , that night , what i had never seen her do before . i saw her innocently kiss her chosen husband on the cheek , and creep close to his bluff form as if it were her best support . when they went away together , in the waning moonlight , and i looked after them , comparing their departure in my mind with marthas , i saw that she held his arm with both her hands , and still kept close to him . chapter . i corroborate mr . dick , and choose a profession when i awoke in the morning i thought very much of little emly , and her emotion last night , after martha had left . i felt as if i had come into the knowledge of those domestic weaknesses and tendernesses in a sacred confidence , and that to disclose them , even to steerforth , would be wrong . i had no gentler feeling towards anyone than towards the pretty creature who had been my playmate , and whom i have always been persuaded , and shall always be persuaded , to my dying day , i then devotedly loved . the repetition to any ears  to steerforths  what she had been unable to repress when her heart lay open to me by an accident , i felt would be a rough deed , unworthy of myself , unworthy of the light of our pure childhood , which i always saw encircling her head . i made a resolution , therefore , to keep it in my own breast and there it gave her image a new grace . while we were at breakfast , a letter was delivered to me from my aunt . as it contained matter on which i thought steerforth could advise me as well as anyone , and on which i knew i should be delighted to consult him , i resolved to make it a subject of discussion on our journey home . for the present we had enough to do , in taking leave of all our friends . mr . barkis was far from being the last among them , in his regret at our departure and i believe would even have opened the box again , and sacrificed another guinea , if it would have kept us eight and hours in yarmouth . peggotty and all her family were full of grief at our going . the whole house of omer and joram turned out to bid us good bye and there were so many seafaring volunteers in attendance on steerforth , when our portmanteaux went to the coach , that if we had the baggage of a regiment with us , we should hardly have wanted porters to carry it . in a word , we departed to the regret and admiration of all concerned , and left a great many people very sorry behind us . do you stay long here , littimer . said i , as he stood waiting to see the coach start . no , sir , he replied probably not very long , sir . he can hardly say , just now , observed steerforth , carelessly . he knows what he has to do , and hell do it . that i am sure he will , said i . littimer touched his hat in acknowledgement of my good opinion , and i felt about eight years old . he touched it once more , wishing us a good journey and we left him standing on the pavement , as respectable a mystery as any pyramid in egypt . for some little time we held no conversation , steerforth being unusually silent , and i being sufficiently engaged in wondering , within myself , when i should see the old places again , and what new changes might happen to me or them in the meanwhile . at length steerforth , becoming gay and talkative in a moment , as he could become anything he liked at any moment , pulled me by the arm find a voice , david . what about that letter you were speaking of at breakfast . oh . said i , taking it out of my pocket . its from my aunt . and what does she say , requiring consideration . why , she reminds me , steerforth , said i , that i came out on this expedition to look about me , and to think a little . which , of course , you have done . indeed i cant say i have , particularly . to tell you the truth , i am afraid i have forgotten it . well . look about you now , and make up for your negligence , said steerforth . look to the right , and youll see a flat country , with a good deal of marsh in it look to the left , and youll see the same . look to the front , and youll find no difference look to the rear , and there it is still . i laughed , and replied that i saw no suitable profession in the whole prospect which was perhaps to be attributed to its flatness . what says our aunt on the subject . inquired steerforth , glancing at the letter in my hand . does she suggest anything . why , yes , said i . she asks me , here , if i think i should like to be a proctor . what do you think of it . well , i dont know , replied steerforth , coolly . you may as well do that as anything else , i suppose . i could not help laughing again , at his balancing all callings and professions so equally and i told him so . what is a proctor , steerforth . said i . why , he is a sort of monkish attorney , replied steerforth . he is , to some faded courts held in doctors commons  , lazy old nook near st . pauls churchyard  solicitors are to the courts of law and equity . he is a functionary whose existence , in the natural course of things , would have terminated about two hundred years ago . i can tell you best what he is , by telling you what doctors commons is . its a little out of place , where they administer what is called ecclesiastical law , and play all kinds of tricks with obsolete old monsters of acts of parliament , which three fourths of the world know nothing about , and the other fourth supposes to have been dug up , in a fossil state , in the days of the edwards . its a place that has an ancient monopoly in suits about peoples wills and peoples marriages , and disputes among ships and boats . nonsense , steerforth . i exclaimed . you dont mean to say that there is any affinity between nautical matters and ecclesiastical matters . i dont , indeed , my dear boy , he returned but i mean to say that they are managed and decided by the same set of people , down in that same doctors commons . you shall go there one day , and find them blundering through half the nautical terms in youngs dictionary , apropos of the nancy having run down the sarah jane , or mr . peggotty and the yarmouth boatmen having put off in a gale of wind with an anchor and cable to the nelson indiaman in distress and you shall go there another day , and find them deep in the evidence , pro and con , respecting a clergyman who has misbehaved himself and you shall find the judge in the nautical case , the advocate in the clergymans case , or contrariwise . they are like actors now a mans a judge , and now he is not a judge now hes one thing , now hes another now hes something else , change and change about but its always a very pleasant , profitable little affair of private theatricals , presented to an uncommonly select audience . but advocates and proctors are not one and the same . said i , a little puzzled . are they . no , returned steerforth , the advocates are civilians  who have taken a doctors degree at college  is the first reason of my knowing anything about it . the proctors employ the advocates . both get very comfortable fees , and altogether they make a mighty snug little party . on the whole , i would recommend you to take to doctors commons kindly , david . they plume themselves on their gentility there , i can tell you , if thats any satisfaction . i made allowance for steerforths light way of treating the subject , and , considering it with reference to the staid air of gravity and antiquity which i associated with that lazy old nook near st . pauls churchyard , did not feel indisposed towards my aunts suggestion which she left to my free decision , making no scruple of telling me that it had occurred to her , on her lately visiting her own proctor in doctors commons for the purpose of settling her will in my favour . thats a laudable proceeding on the part of our aunt , at all events , said steerforth , when i mentioned it and one deserving of all encouragement . daisy , my advice is that you take kindly to doctors commons . i quite made up my mind to do so . i then told steerforth that my aunt was in town awaiting me and that she had taken lodgings for a week at a kind of private hotel at lincolns inn fields , where there was a stone staircase , and a convenient door in the roof my aunt being firmly persuaded that every house in london was going to be burnt down every night . we achieved the rest of our journey pleasantly , sometimes recurring to doctors commons , and anticipating the distant days when i should be a proctor there , which steerforth pictured in a variety of humorous and whimsical lights , that made us both merry . when we came to our journeys end , he went home , engaging to call upon me next day but one and i drove to lincolns inn fields , where i found my aunt up , and waiting supper . if i had been round the world since we parted , we could hardly have been better pleased to meet again . my aunt cried outright as she embraced me and said , pretending to laugh , that if my poor mother had been alive , that silly little creature would have shed tears , she had no doubt . so you have left mr . dick behind , aunt . said i . i am sorry for that . ah , janet , how do you do . as janet curtsied , hoping i was well , i observed my aunts visage lengthen very much . i am sorry for it , too , said my aunt , rubbing her nose . i have had no peace of mind , trot , since i have been here . before i could ask why , she told me . i am convinced , said my aunt , laying her hand with melancholy firmness on the table , that dicks character is not a character to keep the donkeys off . i am confident he wants strength of purpose . i ought to have left janet at home , instead , and then my mind might perhaps have been at ease . if ever there was a donkey trespassing on my green , said my aunt , with emphasis , there was one this afternoon at four oclock . a cold feeling came over me from head to foot , and i know it was a donkey . i tried to comfort her on this point , but she rejected consolation . it was a donkey , said my aunt and it was the one with the stumpy tail which that murdering sister of a woman rode , when she came to my house . this had been , ever since , the only name my aunt knew for miss murdstone . if there is any donkey in dover , whose audacity it is harder to me to bear than anothers , that , said my aunt , striking the table , is the animal . janet ventured to suggest that my aunt might be disturbing herself unnecessarily , and that she believed the donkey in question was then engaged in the sand and line of business , and was not available for purposes of trespass . but my aunt wouldnt hear of it . supper was comfortably served and hot , though my aunts rooms were very high up  that she might have more stone stairs for her money , or might be nearer to the door in the roof , i dont know  consisted of a roast fowl , a steak , and some vegetables , to all of which i did ample justice , and which were all excellent . but my aunt had her own ideas concerning london provision , and ate but little . i suppose this unfortunate fowl was born and brought up in a cellar , said my aunt , and never took the air except on a hackney coach stand . i hope the steak may be beef , but i dont believe it . nothings genuine in the place , in my opinion , but the dirt . dont you think the fowl may have come out of the country , aunt . i hinted . certainly not , returned my aunt . it would be no pleasure to a london tradesman to sell anything which was what he pretended it was . i did not venture to controvert this opinion , but i made a good supper , which it greatly satisfied her to see me do . when the table was cleared , janet assisted her to arrange her hair , to put on her nightcap , which was of a smarter construction than usual in case of fire , my aunt said , and to fold her gown back over her knees , these being her usual preparations for warming herself before going to bed . i then made her , according to certain established regulations from which no deviation , however slight , could ever be permitted , a glass of hot wine and water , and a slice of toast cut into long thin strips . with these accompaniments we were left alone to finish the evening , my aunt sitting opposite to me drinking her wine and water soaking her strips of toast in it , one by one , before eating them and looking benignantly on me , from among the borders of her nightcap . well , trot , she began , what do you think of the proctor plan . or have you not begun to think about it yet . i have thought a good deal about it , my dear aunt , and i have talked a good deal about it with steerforth . i like it very much indeed . i like it exceedingly . come . said my aunt . thats cheering . i have only one difficulty , aunt . say what it is , trot , she returned . why , i want to ask , aunt , as this seems , from what i understand , to be a limited profession , whether my entrance into it would not be very expensive . it will cost , returned my aunt , to article you , just a thousand pounds . now , my dear aunt , said i , drawing my chair nearer , i am uneasy in my mind about that . its a large sum of money . you have expended a great deal on my education , and have always been as liberal to me in all things as it was possible to be . you have been the soul of generosity . surely there are some ways in which i might begin life with hardly any outlay , and yet begin with a good hope of getting on by resolution and exertion . are you sure that it would not be better to try that course . are you certain that you can afford to part with so much money , and that it is right that it should be so expended . i only ask you , my second mother , to consider . are you certain . my aunt finished eating the piece of toast on which she was then engaged , looking me full in the face all the while and then setting her glass on the chimney piece, , and folding her hands upon her folded skirts , replied as follows trot , my child , if i have any object in life , it is to provide for your being a good , a sensible , and a happy man . i am bent upon it  is dick . i should like some people that i know to hear dicks conversation on the subject . its sagacity is wonderful . but no one knows the resources of that mans intellect , except myself . she stopped for a moment to take my hand between hers , and went on its in vain , trot , to recall the past , unless it works some influence upon the present . perhaps i might have been better friends with your poor father . perhaps i might have been better friends with that poor child your mother , even after your sister betsey trotwood disappointed me . when you came to me , a little runaway boy , all dusty and way worn, , perhaps i thought so . from that time until now , trot , you have ever been a credit to me and a pride and a pleasure . i have no other claim upon my means at least  to my surprise she hesitated , and was confused  , i have no other claim upon my means  you are my adopted child . only be a loving child to me in my age , and bear with my whims and fancies and you will do more for an old woman whose prime of life was not so happy or conciliating as it might have been , than ever that old woman did for you . it was the first time i had heard my aunt refer to her past history . there was a magnanimity in her quiet way of doing so , and of dismissing it , which would have exalted her in my respect and affection , if anything could . all is agreed and understood between us , now , trot , said my aunt , and we need talk of this no more . give me a kiss , and well go to the commons after breakfast tomorrow . we had a long chat by the fire before we went to bed . i slept in a room on the same floor with my aunts , and was a little disturbed in the course of the night by her knocking at my door as often as she was agitated by a distant sound of hackney coaches or market carts, , and inquiring , if i heard the engines . but towards morning she slept better , and suffered me to do so too . at about mid day, , we set out for the office of messrs spenlow and jorkins , in doctors commons . my aunt , who had this other general opinion in reference to london , that every man she saw was a pickpocket , gave me her purse to carry for her , which had ten guineas in it and some silver . we made a pause at the toy shop in fleet street , to see the giants of saint dunstans strike upon the bells  had timed our going , so as to catch them at it , at twelve oclock  then went on towards ludgate hill , and st . pauls churchyard . we were crossing to the former place , when i found that my aunt greatly accelerated her speed , and looked frightened . i observed , at the same time , that a lowering ill dressed man who had stopped and stared at us in passing , a little before , was coming so close after us as to brush against her . trot . my dear trot . cried my aunt , in a terrified whisper , and pressing my arm . i dont know what i am to do . dont be alarmed , said i . theres nothing to be afraid of . step into a shop , and ill soon get rid of this fellow . no , child . she returned . dont speak to him for the world . i entreat , i order you . good heaven , aunt . said i . he is nothing but a sturdy beggar . you dont know what he is . replied my aunt . you dont know who he is . you dont know what you say . we had stopped in an empty door way, , while this was passing , and he had stopped too . dont look at him . said my aunt , as i turned my head indignantly , but get me a coach , my dear , and wait for me in st . pauls churchyard . wait for you . i replied . yes , rejoined my aunt . i must go alone . i must go with him . with him , aunt . this man . i am in my senses , she replied , and i tell you i must . get me a coach . however much astonished i might be , i was sensible that i had no right to refuse compliance with such a peremptory command . i hurried away a few paces , and called a hackney chariot which was passing empty . almost before i could let down the steps , my aunt sprang in , i dont know how , and the man followed . she waved her hand to me to go away , so earnestly , that , all confounded as i was , i turned from them at once . in doing so , i heard her say to the coachman , drive anywhere . drive straight on . and presently the chariot passed me , going up the hill . what mr . dick had told me , and what i had supposed to be a delusion of his , now came into my mind . i could not doubt that this person was the person of whom he had made such mysterious mention , though what the nature of his hold upon my aunt could possibly be , i was quite unable to imagine . after half an hours cooling in the churchyard , i saw the chariot coming back . the driver stopped beside me , and my aunt was sitting in it alone . she had not yet sufficiently recovered from her agitation to be quite prepared for the visit we had to make . she desired me to get into the chariot , and to tell the coachman to drive slowly up and down a little while . she said no more , except , my dear child , never ask me what it was , and dont refer to it , until she had perfectly regained her composure , when she told me she was quite herself now , and we might get out . on her giving me her purse to pay the driver , i found that all the guineas were gone , and only the loose silver remained . doctors commons was approached by a little low archway . before we had taken many paces down the street beyond it , the noise of the city seemed to melt , as if by magic , into a softened distance . a few dull courts and narrow ways brought us to the sky lighted offices of spenlow and jorkins in the vestibule of which temple , accessible to pilgrims without the ceremony of knocking , three or four clerks were at work as copyists . one of these , a little dry man , sitting by himself , who wore a stiff brown wig that looked as if it were made of gingerbread , rose to receive my aunt , and show us into mr . spenlows room . mr . spenlows in court , maam , said the dry man its an arches day but its close by , and ill send for him directly . as we were left to look about us while mr . spenlow was fetched , i availed myself of the opportunity . the furniture of the room was old fashioned and dusty and the green baize on the top of the writing table had lost all its colour , and was as withered and pale as an old pauper . there were a great many bundles of papers on it , some endorsed as allegations , and some as libels , and some as being in the consistory court , and some in the arches court , and some in the prerogative court , and some in the admiralty court , and some in the delegates court giving me occasion to wonder much , how many courts there might be in the gross , and how long it would take to understand them all . besides these , there were sundry immense manuscript books of evidence taken on affidavit , strongly bound , and tied together in massive sets , a set to each cause , as if every cause were a history in ten or twenty volumes . all this looked tolerably expensive , i thought , and gave me an agreeable notion of a proctors business . i was casting my eyes with increasing complacency over these and many similar objects , when hasty footsteps were heard in the room outside , and mr . spenlow , in a black gown trimmed with white fur , came hurrying in , taking off his hat as he came . he was a little light haired gentleman , with undeniable boots , and the stiffest of white cravats and shirt collars . he was buttoned up , mighty trim and tight , and must have taken a great deal of pains with his whiskers , which were accurately curled . his gold watch chain was so massive , that a fancy came across me , that he ought to have a sinewy golden arm , to draw it out with , like those which are put up over the goldbeaters shops . he was got up with such care , and was so stiff , that he could hardly bend himself being obliged , when he glanced at some papers on his desk , after sitting down in his chair , to move his whole body , from the bottom of his spine , like punch . i had previously been presented by my aunt , and had been courteously received . he now said and so , mr . copperfield , you think of entering into our profession . i casually mentioned to miss trotwood , when i had the pleasure of an interview with her the other day  , another inclination of his body  again  there was a vacancy here . miss trotwood was good enough to mention that she had a nephew who was her peculiar care , and for whom she was seeking to provide genteelly in life . that nephew , i believe , i have now the pleasure of  again . i bowed my acknowledgements , and said , my aunt had mentioned to me that there was that opening , and that i believed i should like it very much . that i was strongly inclined to like it , and had taken immediately to the proposal . that i could not absolutely pledge myself to like it , until i knew something more about it . that although it was little else than a matter of form , i presumed i should have an opportunity of trying how i liked it , before i bound myself to it irrevocably . oh surely . surely . said mr . spenlow . we always , in this house , propose a month  initiatory month . i should be happy , myself , to propose two months  indefinite period , in fact  i have a partner . mr . jorkins . and the premium , sir , i returned , is a thousand pounds . and the premium , stamp included , is a thousand pounds , said mr . spenlow . as i have mentioned to miss trotwood , i am actuated by no mercenary considerations few men are less so , i believe but mr . jorkins has his opinions on these subjects , and i am bound to respect mr . jorkinss opinions . mr . jorkins thinks a thousand pounds too little , in short . i suppose , sir , said i , still desiring to spare my aunt , that it is not the custom here , if an articled clerk were particularly useful , and made himself a perfect master of his profession  could not help blushing , this looked so like praising myself  suppose it is not the custom , in the later years of his time , to allow him any  mr . spenlow , by a great effort , just lifted his head far enough out of his cravat to shake it , and answered , anticipating the word salary no . i will not say what consideration i might give to that point myself , mr . copperfield , if i were unfettered . mr . jorkins is immovable . i was quite dismayed by the idea of this terrible jorkins . but i found out afterwards that he was a mild man of a heavy temperament , whose place in the business was to keep himself in the background , and be constantly exhibited by name as the most obdurate and ruthless of men . if a clerk wanted his salary raised , mr . jorkins wouldnt listen to such a proposition . if a client were slow to settle his bill of costs , mr . jorkins was resolved to have it paid and however painful these things might be to the feelings of mr . spenlow , mr . jorkins would have his bond . the heart and hand of the good angel spenlow would have been always open , but for the restraining demon jorkins . as i have grown older , i think i have had experience of some other houses doing business on the principle of spenlow and jorkins . it was settled that i should begin my months probation as soon as i pleased , and that my aunt need neither remain in town nor return at its expiration , as the articles of agreement , of which i was to be the subject , could easily be sent to her at home for her signature . when we had got so far , mr . spenlow offered to take me into court then and there , and show me what sort of place it was . as i was willing enough to know , we went out with this object , leaving my aunt behind who would trust herself , she said , in no such place , and who , i think , regarded all courts of law as a sort of powder mills that might blow up at any time . mr . spenlow conducted me through a paved courtyard formed of grave brick houses , which i inferred , from the doctors names upon the doors , to be the official abiding places of the learned advocates of whom steerforth had told me and into a large dull room , not unlike a chapel to my thinking , on the left hand . the upper part of this room was fenced off from the rest and there , on the two sides of a raised platform of the horse shoe form , sitting on easy old fashioned dining room chairs , were sundry gentlemen in red gowns and grey wigs , whom i found to be the doctors aforesaid . blinking over a little desk like a pulpit desk, , in the curve of the horse shoe, , was an old gentleman , whom , if i had seen him in an aviary , i should certainly have taken for an owl , but who , i learned , was the presiding judge . in the space within the horse shoe, , lower than these , that is to say , on about the level of the floor , were sundry other gentlemen , of mr . spenlows rank , and dressed like him in black gowns with white fur upon them , sitting at a long green table . their cravats were in general stiff , i thought , and their looks haughty but in this last respect i presently conceived i had done them an injustice , for when two or three of them had to rise and answer a question of the presiding dignitary , i never saw anything more sheepish . the public , represented by a boy with a comforter , and a shabby genteel man secretly eating crumbs out of his coat pockets , was warming itself at a stove in the centre of the court . the languid stillness of the place was only broken by the chirping of this fire and by the voice of one of the doctors , who was wandering slowly through a perfect library of evidence , and stopping to put up , from time to time , at little roadside inns of argument on the journey . altogether , i have never , on any occasion , made one at such a cosey , dosey , old fashioned, , time forgotten, , sleepy headed little family party in all my life and i felt it would be quite a soothing opiate to belong to it in any character  perhaps as a suitor . very well satisfied with the dreamy nature of this retreat , i informed mr . spenlow that i had seen enough for that time , and we rejoined my aunt in company with whom i presently departed from the commons , feeling very young when i went out of spenlow and jorkinss , on account of the clerks poking one another with their pens to point me out . we arrived at lincolns inn fields without any new adventures , except encountering an unlucky donkey in a costermongers cart , who suggested painful associations to my aunt . we had another long talk about my plans , when we were safely housed and as i knew she was anxious to get home , and , between fire , food , and pickpockets , could never be considered at her ease for half an in london , i urged her not to be uncomfortable on my account , but to leave me to take care of myself . i have not been here a week tomorrow , without considering that too , my dear , she returned . there is a furnished little set of chambers to be let in the adelphi , trot , which ought to suit you to a marvel . with this brief introduction , she produced from her pocket an advertisement , carefully cut out of a newspaper , setting forth that in buckingham street in the adelphi there was to be let furnished , with a view of the river , a singularly desirable , and compact set of chambers , forming a genteel residence for a young gentleman , a member of one of the inns of court , or otherwise , with immediate possession . terms moderate , and could be taken for a month only , if required . why , this is the very thing , aunt . said i , flushed with the possible dignity of living in chambers . then come , replied my aunt , immediately resuming the bonnet she had a minute before laid aside . well go and look at em . away we went . the advertisement directed us to apply to mrs . crupp on the premises , and we rung the area bell , which we supposed to communicate with mrs . crupp . it was not until we had rung three or four times that we could prevail on mrs . crupp to communicate with us , but at last she appeared , being a stout lady with a flounce of flannel petticoat below a nankeen gown . let us see these chambers of yours , if you please , maam , said my aunt . for this gentleman . said mrs . crupp , feeling in her pocket for her keys . yes , for my nephew , said my aunt . and a sweet set they is for sich . said mrs . crupp . so we went upstairs . they were on the top of the house  great point with my aunt , being near the fire escape consisted of a little half blind entry where you could see hardly anything , a little stone blind pantry where you could see nothing at all , a sitting room, , and a bedroom . the furniture was rather faded , but quite good enough for me and , sure enough , the river was outside the windows . as i was delighted with the place , my aunt and mrs . crupp withdrew into the pantry to discuss the terms , while i remained on the sitting room sofa , hardly daring to think it possible that i could be destined to live in such a noble residence . after a single combat of some duration they returned , and i saw , to my joy , both in mrs . crupps countenance and in my aunts , that the deed was done . is it the last occupants furniture . inquired my aunt . yes , it is , maam , said mrs . crupp . whats become of him . asked my aunt . mrs . crupp was taken with a troublesome cough , in the midst of which she articulated with much difficulty . he was took ill here , maam , and  . ugh . ugh . dear me . he died . hey . what did he die of . asked my aunt . well , maam , he died of drink , said mrs . crupp , in confidence . and smoke . smoke . you dont mean chimneys . said my aunt . no , maam , returned mrs . crupp . cigars and pipes . thats not catching , trot , at any rate , remarked my aunt , turning to me . no , indeed , said i . in short , my aunt , seeing how enraptured i was with the premises , took them for a month , with leave to remain for twelve months when that time was out . mrs . crupp was to find linen , and to cook every other necessary was already provided and mrs . crupp expressly intimated that she should always yearn towards me as a son . i was to take possession the day after tomorrow , and mrs . crupp said , thank heaven she had now found summun she could care for . on our way back , my aunt informed me how she confidently trusted that the life i was now to lead would make me firm and self reliant, , which was all i wanted . she repeated this several times next day , in the intervals of our arranging for the transmission of my clothes and books from mr . wickfields relative to which , and to all my late holiday , i wrote a long letter to agnes , of which my aunt took charge , as she was to leave on the succeeding day . not to lengthen these particulars , i need only add , that she made a handsome provision for all my possible wants during my month of trial that steerforth , to my great disappointment and hers too , did not make his appearance before she went away that i saw her safely seated in the dover coach , exulting in the coming discomfiture of the vagrant donkeys , with janet at her side and that when the coach was gone , i turned my face to the adelphi , pondering on the old days when i used to roam about its subterranean arches , and on the happy changes which had brought me to the surface . chapter . my first dissipation it was a wonderfully fine thing to have that lofty castle to myself , and to feel , when i shut my outer door , like robinson crusoe , when he had got into his fortification , and pulled his ladder up after him . it was a wonderfully fine thing to walk about town with the key of my house in my pocket , and to know that i could ask any fellow to come home , and make quite sure of its being inconvenient to nobody , if it were not so to me . it was a wonderfully fine thing to let myself in and out , and to come and go without a word to anyone , and to ring mrs . crupp up , gasping , from the depths of the earth , when i wanted her  when she was disposed to come . all this , i say , was wonderfully fine but i must say , too , that there were times when it was very dreary . it was fine in the morning , particularly in the fine mornings . it looked a very fresh , free life , by daylight still fresher , and more free , by sunlight . but as the day declined , the life seemed to go down too . i dont know how it was it seldom looked well by candle light . i wanted somebody to talk to , then . i missed agnes . i found a tremendous blank , in the place of that smiling repository of my confidence . mrs . crupp appeared to be a long way off . i thought about my predecessor , who had died of drink and smoke and i could have wished he had been so good as to live , and not bother me with his decease . after two days and nights , i felt as if i had lived there for a year , and yet i was not an hour older , but was quite as much tormented by my own youthfulness as ever . steerforth not yet appearing , which induced me to apprehend that he must be ill , i left the commons early on the third day , and walked out to highgate . mrs . steerforth was very glad to see me , and said that he had gone away with one of his oxford friends to see another who lived near st . albans , but that she expected him to return tomorrow . i was so fond of him , that i felt quite jealous of his oxford friends . as she pressed me to stay to dinner , i remained , and i believe we talked about nothing but him all day . i told her how much the people liked him at yarmouth , and what a delightful companion he had been . miss dartle was full of hints and mysterious questions , but took a great interest in all our proceedings there , and said , was it really though . and so forth , so often , that she got everything out of me she wanted to know . her appearance was exactly what i have described it , when i first saw her but the society of the two ladies was so agreeable , and came so natural to me , that i felt myself falling a little in love with her . i could not help thinking , several times in the course of the evening , and particularly when i walked home at night , what delightful company she would be in buckingham street . i was taking my coffee and roll in the morning , before going to the commons  i may observe in this place that it is surprising how much coffee mrs . crupp used , and how weak it was , considering  steerforth himself walked in , to my unbounded joy . my dear steerforth , cried i , began to think i should never see you again . i was carried off , by force of arms , said steerforth , the very next morning after i got home . why , daisy , what a rare old bachelor you are here . i showed him over the establishment , not omitting the pantry , with no little pride , and he commended it highly . i tell you what , old boy , he added , i shall make quite a town house of this place , unless you give me notice to quit . this was a delightful hearing . i told him if he waited for that , he would have to wait till doomsday . but you shall have some breakfast . said i , with my hand on the bell rope, , and mrs . crupp shall make you some fresh coffee , and ill toast you some bacon in a bachelors dutch oven, , that i have got here . no , . said steerforth . dont ring . i cant . i am going to breakfast with one of these fellows who is at the piazza hotel , in covent garden . but youll come back to dinner . said i . i cant , upon my life . theres nothing i should like better , but i must remain with these two fellows . we are all three off together tomorrow morning . then bring them here to dinner , i returned . do you think they would come . oh . they would come fast enough , said steerforth but we should inconvenience you . you had better come and dine with us somewhere . i would not by any means consent to this , for it occurred to me that i really ought to have a little house warming, , and that there never could be a better opportunity . i had a new pride in my rooms after his approval of them , and burned with a desire to develop their utmost resources . i therefore made him promise positively in the names of his two friends , and we appointed six oclock as the dinner hour . when he was gone , i rang for mrs . crupp , and acquainted her with my desperate design . mrs . crupp said , in the first place , of course it was well known she couldnt be expected to wait , but she knew a handy young man , who she thought could be prevailed upon to do it , and whose terms would be five shillings , and what i pleased . i said , certainly we would have him . next mrs . crupp said it was clear she couldnt be in two places at once and that a young gal stationed in the pantry with a bedroom candle , there never to desist from washing plates , would be indispensable . i said , what would be the expense of this young female . and mrs . crupp said she supposed eighteenpence would neither make me nor break me . i said i supposed not and that was settled . then mrs . crupp said , now about the dinner . it was a remarkable instance of want of forethought on the part of the ironmonger who had made mrs . crupps kitchen fireplace , that it was capable of cooking nothing but chops and mashed potatoes . as to a fish kittle, , mrs . crupp said , well . would i only come and look at the range . she couldnt say fairer than that . would i come and look at it . as i should not have been much the wiser if i had looked at it , i declined , and said , never mind fish . but mrs . crupp said , dont say that oysters was in , why not them . so that was settled . mrs . crupp then said what she would recommend would be this . a pair of hot roast fowls  the pastry cooks a dish of stewed beef , with vegetables  the pastry cooks two little corner things , as a raised pie and a dish of kidneys  the pastrycooks a tart , and if i liked a shape of jelly  the pastrycooks . this , mrs . crupp said , would leave her at full liberty to concentrate her mind on the potatoes , and to serve up the cheese and celery as she could wish to see it done . i acted on mrs . crupps opinion , and gave the order at the pastry cooks myself . walking along the strand , afterwards , and observing a hard mottled substance in the window of a ham and beef shop , which resembled marble , but was labelled mock turtle , i went in and bought a slab of it , which i have since seen reason to believe would have sufficed for fifteen people . this preparation , mrs . crupp , after some difficulty , consented to warm up and it shrunk so much in a liquid state , that we found it what steerforth called rather a tight fit for four . these preparations happily completed , i bought a little dessert in covent garden market , and gave a rather extensive order at a retail wine merchants in that vicinity . when i came home in the afternoon , and saw the bottles drawn up in a square on the pantry floor , they looked so numerous though there were two missing , which made mrs . crupp very uncomfortable , that i was absolutely frightened at them . one of steerforths friends was named grainger , and the other markham . they were both very gay and lively fellows grainger , something older than steerforth markham , youthful looking, , and i should say not more than twenty . i observed that the latter always spoke of himself indefinitely , as a man , and seldom or never in the first person singular . a man might get on very well here , mr . copperfield , said markham  himself . its not a bad situation , said i , and the rooms are really commodious . i hope you have both brought appetites with you . said steerforth . upon my honour , returned markham , town seems to sharpen a mans appetite . a man is hungry all day long . a man is perpetually eating . being a little embarrassed at first , and feeling much too young to preside , i made steerforth take the head of the table when dinner was announced , and seated myself opposite to him . everything was very good we did not spare the wine and he exerted himself so brilliantly to make the thing pass off well , that there was no pause in our festivity . i was not quite such good company during dinner as i could have wished to be , for my chair was opposite the door , and my attention was distracted by observing that the handy young man went out of the room very often , and that his shadow always presented itself , immediately afterwards , on the wall of the entry , with a bottle at its mouth . the young gal likewise occasioned me some uneasiness not so much by neglecting to wash the plates , as by breaking them . for being of an inquisitive disposition , and unable to confine herself to the pantry , she was constantly peering in at us , and constantly imagining herself detected in which belief , she several times retired upon the plates and did a great deal of destruction . these , however , were small drawbacks , and easily forgotten when the cloth was cleared , and the dessert put on the table at which period of the entertainment the handy young man was discovered to be speechless . giving him private directions to seek the society of mrs . crupp , and to remove the young gal to the basement also , i abandoned myself to enjoyment . i began , by being singularly cheerful and light hearted all sorts of half forgotten things to talk about , came rushing into my mind , and made me hold forth in a most unwonted manner . i laughed heartily at my own jokes , and everybody elses called steerforth to order for not passing the wine made several engagements to go to oxford announced that i meant to have a dinner party exactly like that , once a week , until further notice and madly took so much snuff out of graingers box , that i was obliged to go into the pantry , and have a private fit of sneezing ten minutes long . i went on , by passing the wine faster and faster yet , and continually starting up with a corkscrew to open more wine , long before any was needed . i proposed steerforths health . i said he was my dearest friend , the protector of my boyhood , and the companion of my prime . i said i was delighted to propose his health . i said i owed him more obligations than i could ever repay , and held him in a higher admiration than i could ever express . i finished by saying , ill give you steerforth . god bless him . hurrah . we gave him three times three , and another , and a good one to finish with . i broke my glass in going round the table to shake hands with him , and i said steerforth  . i went on , by finding suddenly that somebody was in the middle of a song . markham was the singer , and he sang when the heart of a man is depressed with care . he said , when he had sung it , he would give us woman . i took objection to that , and i couldnt allow it . i said it was not a respectful way of proposing the toast , and i would never permit that toast to be drunk in my house otherwise than as the ladies . i was very high with him , mainly i think because i saw steerforth and grainger laughing at me  at him  at both of us . he said a man was not to be dictated to . i said a man was . he said a man was not to be insulted , then . i said he was right there  under my roof , where the lares were sacred , and the laws of hospitality paramount . he said it was no derogation from a mans dignity to confess that i was a devilish good fellow . i instantly proposed his health . somebody was smoking . we were all smoking . i was smoking , and trying to suppress a rising tendency to shudder . steerforth had made a speech about me , in the course of which i had been affected almost to tears . i returned thanks , and hoped the present company would dine with me tomorrow , and the day after  day at five oclock , that we might enjoy the pleasures of conversation and society through a long evening . i felt called upon to propose an individual . i would give them my aunt . miss betsey trotwood , the best of her sex . somebody was leaning out of my bedroom window , refreshing his forehead against the cool stone of the parapet , and feeling the air upon his face . it was myself . i was addressing myself as copperfield , and saying , why did you try to smoke . you might have known you couldnt do it . now , somebody was unsteadily contemplating his features in the looking glass . that was i too . i was very pale in the looking glass my eyes had a vacant appearance and my hair  my hair , nothing else  drunk . somebody said to me , let us go to the theatre , copperfield . there was no bedroom before me , but again the jingling table covered with glasses the lamp grainger on my right hand , markham on my left , and steerforth opposite  sitting in a mist , and a long way off . the theatre . to be sure . the very thing . come along . but they must excuse me if i saw everybody out first , and turned the lamp off  case of fire . owing to some confusion in the dark , the door was gone . i was feeling for it in the window curtains, , when steerforth , laughing , took me by the arm and led me out . we went downstairs , one behind another . near the bottom , somebody fell , and rolled down . somebody else said it was copperfield . i was angry at that false report , until , finding myself on my back in the passage , i began to think there might be some foundation for it . a very foggy night , with great rings round the lamps in the streets . there was an indistinct talk of its being wet . i considered it frosty . steerforth dusted me under a lamp post, , and put my hat into shape , which somebody produced from somewhere in a most extraordinary manner , for i hadnt had it on before . steerforth then said , you are all right , copperfield , are you not . and i told him , neverberrer . a man , sitting in a pigeon hole , looked out of the fog , and took money from somebody , inquiring if i was one of the gentlemen paid for , and appearing rather doubtful as i remember in the glimpse i had of him whether to take the money for me or not . shortly afterwards , we were very high up in a very hot theatre , looking down into a large pit , that seemed to me to smoke the people with whom it was crammed were so indistinct . there was a great stage , too , looking very clean and smooth after the streets and there were people upon it , talking about something or other , but not at all intelligibly . there was an abundance of bright lights , and there was music , and there were ladies down in the boxes , and i dont know what more . the whole building looked to me as if it were learning to swim it conducted itself in such an unaccountable manner , when i tried to steady it . on somebodys motion , we resolved to go downstairs to the dress boxes, , where the ladies were . a gentleman lounging , full dressed , on a sofa , with an opera glass in his hand , passed before my view , and also my own figure at full length in a glass . then i was being ushered into one of these boxes , and found myself saying something as i sat down , and people about me crying silence . to somebody , and ladies casting indignant glances at me , and  . yes . sitting on the seat before me , in the same box , with a lady and gentleman beside her , whom i didnt know . i see her face now , better than i did then , i dare say , with its indelible look of regret and wonder turned upon me . agnes . i said , thickly , lorblessmer . agnes . hush . pray . she answered , i could not conceive why . you disturb the company . look at the stage . i tried , on her injunction , to fix it , and to hear something of what was going on there , but quite in vain . i looked at her again by and by , and saw her shrink into her corner , and put her gloved hand to her forehead . agnes . i said . imafraidyourenorwell . yes , . do not mind me , trotwood , she returned . listen . are you going away soon . amigoarawaysoo . i repeated . yes . i had a stupid intention of replying that i was going to wait , to hand her downstairs . i suppose i expressed it , somehow for after she had looked at me attentively for a little while , she appeared to understand , and replied in a low tone i know you will do as i ask you , if i tell you i am very earnest in it . go away now , trotwood , for my sake , and ask your friends to take you home . she had so far improved me , for the time , that though i was angry with her , i felt ashamed , and with a short goori . which i intended for good night . got up and went away . they followed , and i stepped at once out of the box door into my bedroom , where only steerforth was with me , helping me to undress , and where i was by turns telling him that agnes was my sister , and adjuring him to bring the corkscrew , that i might open another bottle of wine . how somebody , lying in my bed , lay saying and doing all this over again , at cross purposes , in a feverish dream all night  bed a rocking sea that was never still . how , as that somebody slowly settled down into myself , did i begin to parch , and feel as if my outer covering of skin were a hard board my tongue the bottom of an empty kettle , furred with long service , and burning up over a slow fire the palms of my hands , hot plates of metal which no ice could cool . but the agony of mind , the remorse , and shame i felt when i became conscious next day . my horror of having committed a thousand offences i had forgotten , and which nothing could ever expiate  recollection of that indelible look which agnes had given me  torturing impossibility of communicating with her , not knowing , beast that i was , how she came to be in london , or where she stayed  disgust of the very sight of the room where the revel had been held  racking head  smell of smoke , the sight of glasses , the impossibility of going out , or even getting up . oh , what a day it was . oh , what an evening , when i sat down by my fire to a basin of mutton broth , dimpled all over with fat , and thought i was going the way of my predecessor , and should succeed to his dismal story as well as to his chambers , and had half a mind to rush express to dover and reveal all . what an evening , when mrs . crupp , coming in to take away the broth basin, , produced one kidney on a cheese plate as the entire remains of yesterdays feast , and i was really inclined to fall upon her nankeen breast and say , in heartfelt penitence , oh , mrs . crupp , mrs . crupp , never mind the broken meats . i am very miserable . that i doubted , even at that pass , if mrs . crupp were quite the sort of woman to confide in . chapter . good and bad angels i was going out at my door on the morning after that deplorable day of headache , sickness , and repentance , with an odd confusion in my mind relative to the date of my dinner party, , as if a body of titans had taken an enormous lever and pushed the day before yesterday some months back , when i saw a ticket porter coming upstairs , with a letter in his hand . he was taking his time about his errand , then but when he saw me on the top of the staircase , looking at him over the banisters , he swung into a trot , and came up panting as if he had run himself into a state of exhaustion . t . copperfield , esquire , said the ticket porter, , touching his hat with his little cane . i could scarcely lay claim to the name i was so disturbed by the conviction that the letter came from agnes . however , i told him i was t . copperfield , esquire , and he believed it , and gave me the letter , which he said required an answer . i shut him out on the landing to wait for the answer , and went into my chambers again , in such a nervous state that i was fain to lay the letter down on my breakfast table , and familiarize myself with the outside of it a little , before i could resolve to break the seal . i found , when i did open it , that it was a very kind note , containing no reference to my condition at the theatre . all it said was , my dear trotwood . i am staying at the house of papas agent , mr . waterbrook , in ely place , holborn . will you come and see me today , at any time you like to appoint . ever yours affectionately , agnes . it took me such a long time to write an answer at all to my satisfaction , that i dont know what the ticket porter can have thought , unless he thought i was learning to write . i must have written half a answers at least . i began one , how can i ever hope , my dear agnes , to efface from your remembrance the disgusting impression  i didnt like it , and then i tore it up . i began another , shakespeare has observed , my dear agnes , how strange it is that a man should put an enemy into his mouth  reminded me of markham , and it got no farther . i even tried poetry . i began one note , in a six syllable line , oh , do not remember  that associated itself with the fifth of november , and became an absurdity . after many attempts , i wrote , my dear agnes . your letter is like you , and what could i say of it that would be higher praise than that . i will come at four oclock . affectionately and sorrowfully , t . c . with this missive which i was in twenty minds at once about recalling , as soon as it was out of my hands , the ticket porter at last departed . if the day were half as tremendous to any other professional gentleman in doctors commons as it was to me , i sincerely believe he made some expiation for his share in that rotten old ecclesiastical cheese . although i left the office at half past three , and was prowling about the place of appointment within a few minutes afterwards , the appointed time was exceeded by a full quarter of an hour , according to the clock of st . andrews , holborn , before i could muster up sufficient desperation to pull the private bell handle let into the left hand door post of mr . waterbrooks house . the professional business of mr . waterbrooks establishment was done on the ground floor, , and the genteel business of which there was a good deal in the upper part of the building . i was shown into a pretty but rather close drawing room, , and there sat agnes , netting a purse . she looked so quiet and good , and reminded me so strongly of my airy fresh school days at canterbury , and the sodden , smoky , stupid wretch i had been the other night , that , nobody being by , i yielded to my self reproach and shame , and  short , made a fool of myself . i cannot deny that i shed tears . to this hour i am undecided whether it was upon the whole the wisest thing i could have done , or the most ridiculous . if it had been anyone but you , agnes , said i , turning away my head , i should not have minded it half so much . but that it should have been you who saw me . i almost wish i had been dead , first . she put her hand  touch was like no other hand  my arm for a moment and i felt so befriended and comforted , that i could not help moving it to my lips , and gratefully kissing it . sit down , said agnes , cheerfully . dont be unhappy , trotwood . if you cannot confidently trust me , whom will you trust . ah , agnes . i returned . you are my good angel . she smiled rather sadly , i thought , and shook her head . yes , agnes , my good angel . always my good angel . if i were , indeed , trotwood , she returned , there is one thing that i should set my heart on very much . i looked at her inquiringly but already with a foreknowledge of her meaning . on warning you , said agnes , with a steady glance , against your bad angel . my dear agnes , i began , if you mean steerforth  i do , trotwood , she returned . then , agnes , you wrong him very much . he my bad angel , or anyones . he , anything but a guide , a support , and a friend to me . my dear agnes . now , is it not unjust , and unlike you , to judge him from what you saw of me the other night . i do not judge him from what i saw of you the other night , she quietly replied . from what , then . from many things  in themselves , but they do not seem to me to be so , when they are put together . i judge him , partly from your account of him , trotwood , and your character , and the influence he has over you . there was always something in her modest voice that seemed to touch a chord within me , answering to that sound alone . it was always earnest but when it was very earnest , as it was now , there was a thrill in it that quite subdued me . i sat looking at her as she cast her eyes down on her work i sat seeming still to listen to her and steerforth , in spite of all my attachment to him , darkened in that tone . it is very bold in me , said agnes , looking up again , who have lived in such seclusion , and can know so little of the world , to give you my advice so confidently , or even to have this strong opinion . but i know in what it is engendered , trotwood  , how true a remembrance of our having grown up together , and in how true an interest in all relating to you . it is that which makes me bold . i am certain that what i say is right . i am quite sure it is . i feel as if it were someone else speaking to you , and not i , when i caution you that you have made a dangerous friend . again i looked at her , again i listened to her after she was silent , and again his image , though it was still fixed in my heart , darkened . i am not so unreasonable as to expect , said agnes , resuming her usual tone , after a little while , that you will , or that you can , at once , change any sentiment that has become a conviction to you least of all a sentiment that is rooted in your trusting disposition . you ought not hastily to do that . i only ask you , trotwood , if you ever think of me  mean , with a quiet smile , for i was going to interrupt her , and she knew why , as often as you think of me  think of what i have said . do you forgive me for all this . i will forgive you , agnes , i replied , when you come to do steerforth justice , and to like him as well as i do . not until then . said agnes . i saw a passing shadow on her face when i made this mention of him , but she returned my smile , and we were again as unreserved in our mutual confidence as of old . and when , agnes , said i , will you forgive me the other night . when i recall it , said agnes . she would have dismissed the subject so , but i was too full of it to allow that , and insisted on telling her how it happened that i had disgraced myself , and what chain of accidental circumstances had the theatre for its final link . it was a great relief to me to do this , and to enlarge on the obligation that i owed to steerforth for his care of me when i was unable to take care of myself . you must not forget , said agnes , calmly changing the conversation as soon as i had concluded , that you are always to tell me , not only when you fall into trouble , but when you fall in love . who has succeeded to miss larkins , trotwood . no one , agnes . someone , trotwood , said agnes , laughing , and holding up her finger . no , agnes , upon my word . there is a lady , certainly , at mrs . steerforths house , who is very clever , and whom i like to talk to  dartle  i dont adore her . agnes laughed again at her own penetration , and told me that if i were faithful to her in my confidence she thought she should keep a little register of my violent attachments , with the date , duration , and termination of each , like the table of the reigns of the kings and queens , in the history of england . then she asked me if i had seen uriah . uriah heep . said i . no . is he in london . he comes to the office downstairs , every day , returned agnes . he was in london a week before me . i am afraid on disagreeable business , trotwood . on some business that makes you uneasy , agnes , i see , said i . what can that be . agnes laid aside her work , and replied , folding her hands upon one another , and looking pensively at me out of those beautiful soft eyes of hers i believe he is going to enter into partnership with papa . what . uriah . that mean , fawning fellow , worm himself into such promotion . i cried , indignantly . have you made no remonstrance about it , agnes . consider what a connexion it is likely to be . you must speak out . you must not allow your father to take such a mad step . you must prevent it , agnes , while theres time . still looking at me , agnes shook her head while i was speaking , with a faint smile at my warmth and then replied you remember our last conversation about papa . it was not long after that  more than two or three days  he gave me the first intimation of what i tell you . it was sad to see him struggling between his desire to represent it to me as a matter of choice on his part , and his inability to conceal that it was forced upon him . i felt very sorry . forced upon him , agnes . who forces it upon him . uriah , she replied , after a moments hesitation , has made himself indispensable to papa . he is subtle and watchful . he has mastered papas weaknesses , fostered them , and taken advantage of them , until  say all that i mean in a word , trotwood  , papa is afraid of him . there was more that she might have said more that she knew , or that she suspected i clearly saw . i could not give her pain by asking what it was , for i knew that she withheld it from me , to spare her father . it had long been going on to this , i was sensible yes , i could not but feel , on the least reflection , that it had been going on to this for a long time . i remained silent . his ascendancy over papa , said agnes , is very great . he professes humility and gratitude  truth , perhaps i hope so  his position is really one of power , and i fear he makes a hard use of his power . i said he was a hound , which , at the moment , was a great satisfaction to me . at the time i speak of , as the time when papa spoke to me , pursued agnes , he had told papa that he was going away that he was very sorry , and unwilling to leave , but that he had better prospects . papa was very much depressed then , and more bowed down by care than ever you or i have seen him but he seemed relieved by this expedient of the partnership , though at the same time he seemed hurt by it and ashamed of it . and how did you receive it , agnes . i did , trotwood , she replied , what i hope was right . feeling sure that it was necessary for papas peace that the sacrifice should be made , i entreated him to make it . i said it would lighten the load of his life  hope it will . that it would give me increased opportunities of being his companion . oh , trotwood . cried agnes , putting her hands before her face , as her tears started on it , i almost feel as if i had been papas enemy , instead of his loving child . for i know how he has altered , in his devotion to me . i know how he has narrowed the circle of his sympathies and duties , in the concentration of his whole mind upon me . i know what a multitude of things he has shut out for my sake , and how his anxious thoughts of me have shadowed his life , and weakened his strength and energy , by turning them always upon one idea . if i could ever set this right . if i could ever work out his restoration , as i have so innocently been the cause of his decline . i had never before seen agnes cry . i had seen tears in her eyes when i had brought new honours home from school , and i had seen them there when we last spoke about her father , and i had seen her turn her gentle head aside when we took leave of one another but i had never seen her grieve like this . it made me so sorry that i could only say , in a foolish , helpless manner , pray , agnes , dont . dont , my dear sister . but agnes was too superior to me in character and purpose , as i know well now , whatever i might know or not know then , to be long in need of my entreaties . the beautiful , calm manner , which makes her so different in my remembrance from everybody else , came back again , as if a cloud had passed from a serene sky . we are not likely to remain alone much longer , said agnes , and while i have an opportunity , let me earnestly entreat you , trotwood , to be friendly to uriah . dont repel him . dont resent as i think you have a general disposition to do what may be uncongenial to you in him . he may not deserve it , for we know no certain ill of him . in any case , think first of papa and me . agnes had no time to say more , for the room door opened , and mrs . waterbrook , who was a large lady  who wore a large dress i dont exactly know which , for i dont know which was dress and which was lady  sailing in . i had a dim recollection of having seen her at the theatre , as if i had seen her in a pale magic lantern but she appeared to remember me perfectly , and still to suspect me of being in a state of intoxication . finding by degrees , however , that i was sober , and that i was a modest young gentleman , mrs . waterbrook softened towards me considerably , and inquired , firstly , if i went much into the parks , and secondly , if i went much into society . on my replying to both these questions in the negative , it occurred to me that i fell again in her good opinion but she concealed the fact gracefully , and invited me to dinner next day . i accepted the invitation , and took my leave , making a call on uriah in the office as i went out , and leaving a card for him in his absence . when i went to dinner next day , and on the street door being opened , plunged into a vapour bath of haunch of mutton , i divined that i was not the only guest , for i immediately identified the ticket porter in disguise , assisting the family servant , and waiting at the foot of the stairs to carry up my name . he looked , to the best of his ability , when he asked me for it confidentially , as if he had never seen me before but well did i know him , and well did he know me . conscience made cowards of us both . i found mr . waterbrook to be a middle aged gentleman , with a short throat , and a good deal of shirt collar, , who only wanted a black nose to be the portrait of a pug dog . he told me he was happy to have the honour of making my acquaintance and when i had paid my homage to mrs . waterbrook , presented me , with much ceremony , to a very awful lady in a black velvet dress , and a great black velvet hat , whom i remember as looking like a near relation of hamlets  his aunt . mrs . henry spiker was this ladys name and her husband was there too so cold a man , that his head , instead of being grey , seemed to be sprinkled with hoar frost . immense deference was shown to the henry spikers , male and female which agnes told me was on account of mr . henry spiker being solicitor to something or to somebody , i forget what or which , remotely connected with the treasury . i found uriah heep among the company , in a suit of black , and in deep humility . he told me , when i shook hands with him , that he was proud to be noticed by me , and that he really felt obliged to me for my condescension . i could have wished he had been less obliged to me , for he hovered about me in his gratitude all the rest of the evening and whenever i said a word to agnes , was sure , with his shadowless eyes and cadaverous face , to be looking gauntly down upon us from behind . there were other guests  iced for the occasion , as it struck me , like the wine . but there was one who attracted my attention before he came in , on account of my hearing him announced as mr . traddles . my mind flew back to salem house and could it be tommy , i thought , who used to draw the skeletons . i looked for mr . traddles with unusual interest . he was a sober , steady looking young man of retiring manners , with a comic head of hair , and eyes that were rather wide open and he got into an obscure corner so soon , that i had some difficulty in making him out . at length i had a good view of him , and either my vision deceived me , or it was the old unfortunate tommy . i made my way to mr . waterbrook , and said , that i believed i had the pleasure of seeing an old schoolfellow there . indeed . said mr . waterbrook , surprised . you are too young to have been at school with mr . henry spiker . oh , i dont mean him . i returned . i mean the gentleman named traddles . oh . aye , . indeed . said my host , with much diminished interest . possibly . if its really the same person , said i , glancing towards him , it was at a place called salem house where we were together , and he was an excellent fellow . oh yes . traddles is a good fellow , returned my host nodding his head with an air of toleration . traddles is quite a good fellow . its a curious coincidence , said i . it is really , returned my host , quite a coincidence , that traddles should be here at all as traddles was only invited this morning , when the place at table , intended to be occupied by mrs . henry spikers brother , became vacant , in consequence of his indisposition . a very gentlemanly man , mrs . henry spikers brother , mr . copperfield . i murmured an assent , which was full of feeling , considering that i knew nothing at all about him and i inquired what mr . traddles was by profession . traddles , returned mr . waterbrook , is a young man reading for the bar . yes . he is quite a good fellow  enemy but his own . is he his own enemy . said i , sorry to hear this . well , returned mr . waterbrook , pursing up his mouth , and playing with his watch chain, , in a comfortable , prosperous sort of way . i should say he was one of those men who stand in their own light . yes , i should say he would never , for example , be worth five hundred pound . traddles was recommended to me by a professional friend . oh yes . yes . he has a kind of talent for drawing briefs , and stating a case in writing , plainly . i am able to throw something in traddless way , in the course of the year something  him  . oh yes . yes . i was much impressed by the extremely comfortable and satisfied manner in which mr . waterbrook delivered himself of this little word yes , every now and then . there was wonderful expression in it . it completely conveyed the idea of a man who had been born , not to say with a silver spoon , but with a scaling ladder, , and had gone on mounting all the heights of life one after another , until now he looked , from the top of the fortifications , with the eye of a philosopher and a patron , on the people down in the trenches . my reflections on this theme were still in progress when dinner was announced . mr . waterbrook went down with hamlets aunt . mr . henry spiker took mrs . waterbrook . agnes , whom i should have liked to take myself , was given to a simpering fellow with weak legs . uriah , traddles , and i , as the junior part of the company , went down last , how we could . i was not so vexed at losing agnes as i might have been , since it gave me an opportunity of making myself known to traddles on the stairs , who greeted me with great fervour while uriah writhed with such obtrusive satisfaction and self abasement, , that i could gladly have pitched him over the banisters . traddles and i were separated at table , being billeted in two remote corners he in the glare of a red velvet lady i , in the gloom of hamlets aunt . the dinner was very long , and the conversation was about the aristocracy  blood . mrs . waterbrook repeatedly told us , that if she had a weakness , it was blood . it occurred to me several times that we should have got on better , if we had not been quite so genteel . we were so exceedingly genteel , that our scope was very limited . a mr . and mrs . gulpidge were of the party , who had something to do at second hand with the law business of the bank and what with the bank , and what with the treasury , we were as exclusive as the court circular . to mend the matter , hamlets aunt had the family failing of indulging in soliloquy , and held forth in a desultory manner , by herself , on every topic that was introduced . these were few enough , to be sure but as we always fell back upon blood , she had as wide a field for abstract speculation as her nephew himself . we might have been a party of ogres , the conversation assumed such a sanguine complexion . i confess i am of mrs . waterbrooks opinion , said mr . waterbrook , with his wine glass at his eye . other things are all very well in their way , but give me blood . oh . there is nothing , observed hamlets aunt , so satisfactory to one . there is nothing that is so much ones beau ideal of  all that sort of thing , speaking generally . there are some low minds not many , i am happy to believe , but there are some that would prefer to do what i should call bow down before idols . positively idols . before service , intellect , and so on . but these are intangible points . blood is not so . we see blood in a nose , and we know it . we meet with it in a chin , and we say , there it is . thats blood . it is an actual matter of fact . we point it out . it admits of no doubt . the simpering fellow with the weak legs , who had taken agnes down , stated the question more decisively yet , i thought . oh , you know , deuce take it , said this gentleman , looking round the board with an imbecile smile , we cant forego blood , you know . we must have blood , you know . some young fellows , you know , may be a little behind their station , perhaps , in point of education and behaviour , and may go a little wrong , you know , and get themselves and other people into a variety of fixes  all that  deuce take it , its delightful to reflect that theyve got blood in em . myself , id rather at any time be knocked down by a man who had got blood in him , than id be picked up by a man who hadnt . this sentiment , as compressing the general question into a nutshell , gave the utmost satisfaction , and brought the gentleman into great notice until the ladies retired . after that , i observed that mr . gulpidge and mr . henry spiker , who had hitherto been very distant , entered into a defensive alliance against us , the common enemy , and exchanged a mysterious dialogue across the table for our defeat and overthrow . that affair of the first bond for four thousand five hundred pounds has not taken the course that was expected , spiker , said mr . gulpidge . do you mean the d . of a . s . said mr . spiker . the c . of b . s . said mr . gulpidge . mr . spiker raised his eyebrows , and looked much concerned . when the question was referred to lord  neednt name him , said mr . gulpidge , checking himself  i understand , said mr . spiker , n . mr . gulpidge darkly nodded  referred to him , his answer was , money , or no release . lord bless my soul . cried mr . spiker . money , or no release , repeated mr . gulpidge , firmly . the next in reversion  understand me . k . said mr . spiker , with an ominous look .  . then positively refused to sign . he was attended at newmarket for that purpose , and he point blank refused to do it . mr . spiker was so interested , that he became quite stony . so the matter rests at this hour , said mr . gulpidge , throwing himself back in his chair . our friend waterbrook will excuse me if i forbear to explain myself generally , on account of the magnitude of the interests involved . mr . waterbrook was only too happy , as it appeared to me , to have such interests , and such names , even hinted at , across his table . he assumed an expression of gloomy intelligence though i am persuaded he knew no more about the discussion than i did , and highly approved of the discretion that had been observed . mr . spiker , after the receipt of such a confidence , naturally desired to favour his friend with a confidence of his own therefore the foregoing dialogue was succeeded by another , in which it was mr . gulpidges turn to be surprised , and that by another in which the surprise came round to mr . spikers turn again , and so on , turn and turn about . all this time we , the outsiders , remained oppressed by the tremendous interests involved in the conversation and our host regarded us with pride , as the victims of a salutary awe and astonishment . i was very glad indeed to get upstairs to agnes , and to talk with her in a corner , and to introduce traddles to her , who was shy , but agreeable , and the same good natured creature still . as he was obliged to leave early , on account of going away next morning for a month , i had not nearly so much conversation with him as i could have wished but we exchanged addresses , and promised ourselves the pleasure of another meeting when he should come back to town . he was greatly interested to hear that i knew steerforth , and spoke of him with such warmth that i made him tell agnes what he thought of him . but agnes only looked at me the while , and very slightly shook her head when only i observed her . as she was not among people with whom i believed she could be very much at home , i was almost glad to hear that she was going away within a few days , though i was sorry at the prospect of parting from her again so soon . this caused me to remain until all the company were gone . conversing with her , and hearing her sing , was such a delightful reminder to me of my happy life in the grave old house she had made so beautiful , that i could have remained there half the night but , having no excuse for staying any longer , when the lights of mr . waterbrooks society were all snuffed out , i took my leave very much against my inclination . i felt then , more than ever , that she was my better angel and if i thought of her sweet face and placid smile , as though they had shone on me from some removed being , like an angel , i hope i thought no harm . i have said that the company were all gone but i ought to have excepted uriah , whom i dont include in that denomination , and who had never ceased to hover near us . he was close behind me when i went downstairs . he was close beside me , when i walked away from the house , slowly fitting his long skeleton fingers into the still longer fingers of a great guy fawkes pair of gloves . it was in no disposition for uriahs company , but in remembrance of the entreaty agnes had made to me , that i asked him if he would come home to my rooms , and have some coffee . oh , really , master copperfield , he rejoined  beg your pardon , mister copperfield , but the other comes so natural , i dont like that you should put a constraint upon yourself to ask a numble person like me to your ouse . there is no constraint in the case , said i . will you come . i should like to , very much , replied uriah , with a writhe . well , then , come along . said i . i could not help being rather short with him , but he appeared not to mind it . we went the nearest way , without conversing much upon the road and he was so humble in respect of those scarecrow gloves , that he was still putting them on , and seemed to have made no advance in that labour , when we got to my place . i led him up the dark stairs , to prevent his knocking his head against anything , and really his damp cold hand felt so like a frog in mine , that i was tempted to drop it and run away . agnes and hospitality prevailed , however , and i conducted him to my fireside . when i lighted my candles , he fell into meek transports with the room that was revealed to him and when i heated the coffee in an unassuming block tin vessel in which mrs . crupp delighted to prepare it chiefly , i believe , because it was not intended for the purpose , being a shaving pot, , and because there was a patent invention of great price mouldering away in the pantry , he professed so much emotion , that i could joyfully have scalded him . oh , really , master copperfield  , mean mister copperfield , said uriah , to see you waiting upon me is what i never could have expected . but , one way and another , so many things happen to me which i never could have expected , i am sure , in my umble station , that it seems to rain blessings on my ed . you have heard something , i des say, , of a change in my expectations , master copperfield  , should say , mister copperfield . as he sat on my sofa , with his long knees drawn up under his coffee cup, , his hat and gloves upon the ground close to him , his spoon going softly round and round , his shadowless red eyes , which looked as if they had scorched their lashes off , turned towards me without looking at me , the disagreeable dints i have formerly described in his nostrils coming and going with his breath , and a snaky undulation pervading his frame from his chin to his boots , i decided in my own mind that i disliked him intensely . it made me very uncomfortable to have him for a guest , for i was young then , and unused to disguise what i so strongly felt . you have heard something , i des say, , of a change in my expectations , master copperfield  , should say , mister copperfield . observed uriah . yes , said i , something . ah . i thought miss agnes would know of it . he quietly returned . im glad to find miss agnes knows of it . oh , thank you , master  copperfield . i could have thrown my bootjack at him for having entrapped me into the disclosure of anything concerning agnes , however immaterial . but i only drank my coffee . what a prophet you have shown yourself , mister copperfield . pursued uriah . dear me , what a prophet you have proved yourself to be . dont you remember saying to me once , that perhaps i should be a partner in mr . wickfields business , and perhaps it might be wickfield and heep . you may not recollect it but when a person is umble , master copperfield , a person treasures such things up . i recollect talking about it , said i , though i certainly did not think it very likely then . oh . who would have thought it likely , mister copperfield . returned uriah , enthusiastically . i am sure i didnt myself . i recollect saying with my own lips that i was much too umble . so i considered myself really and truly . he sat , with that carved grin on his face , looking at the fire , as i looked at him . but the umblest persons , master copperfield , he presently resumed , may be the instruments of good . i am glad to think i have been the instrument of good to mr . wickfield , and that i may be more so . oh what a worthy man he is , mister copperfield , but how imprudent he has been . i am sorry to hear it , said i . i could not help adding , rather pointedly , on all accounts . decidedly so , mister copperfield , replied uriah . on all accounts . miss agness above all . you dont remember your own eloquent expressions , master copperfield but i remember how you said one day that everybody must admire her , and how i thanked you for it . you have forgot that , i have no doubt , master copperfield . no , said i , drily . oh how glad i am you have not . exclaimed uriah . to think that you should be the first to kindle the sparks of ambition in my umble breast , and that youve not forgot it . oh . you excuse me asking for a cup more coffee . something in the emphasis he laid upon the kindling of those sparks , and something in the glance he directed at me as he said it , had made me start as if i had seen him illuminated by a blaze of light . recalled by his request , preferred in quite another tone of voice , i did the honours of the shaving pot but i did them with an unsteadiness of hand , a sudden sense of being no match for him , and a perplexed suspicious anxiety as to what he might be going to say next , which i felt could not escape his observation . he said nothing at all . he stirred his coffee round and round , he sipped it , he felt his chin softly with his grisly hand , he looked at the fire , he looked about the room , he gasped rather than smiled at me , he writhed and undulated about , in his deferential servility , he stirred and sipped again , but he left the renewal of the conversation to me . so , mr . wickfield , said i , at last , who is worth five hundred of you  me for my life , i think , i could not have helped dividing that part of the sentence with an awkward jerk has been imprudent , has he , mr . heep . oh , very imprudent indeed , master copperfield , returned uriah , sighing modestly . oh , very much so . but i wish youd call me uriah , if you please . its like old times . well . uriah , said i , bolting it out with some difficulty . thank you , he returned , with fervour . thank you , master copperfield . its like the blowing of old breezes or the ringing of old bellses to hear you say uriah . i beg your pardon . was i making any observation . about mr . wickfield , i suggested . oh . yes , truly , said uriah . ah . great imprudence , master copperfield . its a topic that i wouldnt touch upon , to any soul but you . even to you i can only touch upon it , and no more . if anyone else had been in my place during the last few years , by this time he would have had mr . wickfield under his thumb . un  thumb , said uriah , very slowly , as he stretched out his cruel looking hand above my table , and pressed his own thumb upon it , until it shook , and shook the room . if i had been obliged to look at him with him splay foot on mr . wickfields head , i think i could scarcely have hated him more . oh , dear , yes , master copperfield , he proceeded , in a soft voice , most remarkably contrasting with the action of his thumb , which did not diminish its hard pressure in the least degree , theres no doubt of it . there would have been loss , disgrace , i dont know what at all . mr . wickfield knows it . i am the umble instrument of umbly serving him , and he puts me on an eminence i hardly could have hoped to reach . how thankful should i be . with his face turned towards me , as he finished , but without looking at me , he took his crooked thumb off the spot where he had planted it , and slowly and thoughtfully scraped his lank jaw with it , as if he were shaving himself . i recollect well how indignantly my heart beat , as i saw his crafty face , with the appropriately red light of the fire upon it , preparing for something else . master copperfield , he began  am i keeping you up . you are not keeping me up . i generally go to bed late . thank you , master copperfield . i have risen from my umble station since first you used to address me , it is true but i am umble still . i hope i never shall be otherwise than umble . you will not think the worse of my umbleness , if i make a little confidence to you , master copperfield . will you . oh no , said i , with an effort . thank you . he took out his pocket handkerchief, , and began wiping the palms of his hands . miss agnes , master copperfield  well , uriah . oh , how pleasant to be called uriah , spontaneously . he cried and gave himself a jerk , like a convulsive fish . you thought her looking very beautiful tonight , master copperfield . i thought her looking as she always does superior , in all respects , to everyone around her , i returned . oh , thank you . its so true . he cried . oh , thank you very much for that . not at all , i said , loftily . there is no reason why you should thank me . why that , master copperfield , said uriah , is , in fact , the confidence that i am going to take the liberty of reposing . umble as i am , he wiped his hands harder , and looked at them and at the fire by turns , umble as my mother is , and lowly as our poor but honest roof has ever been , the image of miss agnes i dont mind trusting you with my secret , master copperfield , for i have always overflowed towards you since the first moment i had the pleasure of beholding you in a pony shay has been in my breast for years . oh , master copperfield , with what a pure affection do i love the ground my agnes walks on . i believe i had a delirious idea of seizing the red hot poker out of the fire , and running him through with it . it went from me with a shock , like a ball fired from a rifle but the image of agnes , outraged by so much as a thought of this red headed animals , remained in my mind when i looked at him , sitting all awry as if his mean soul griped his body , and made me giddy . he seemed to swell and grow before my eyes the room seemed full of the echoes of his voice and the strange feeling to which , perhaps , no one is quite a stranger that all this had occurred before , at some indefinite time , and that i knew what he was going to say next , took possession of me . a timely observation of the sense of power that there was in his face , did more to bring back to my remembrance the entreaty of agnes , in its full force , than any effort i could have made . i asked him , with a better appearance of composure than i could have thought possible a minute before , whether he had made his feelings known to agnes . oh no , master copperfield . he returned oh dear , no . not to anyone but you . you see i am only just emerging from my lowly station . i rest a good deal of hope on her observing how useful i am to her father for i trust to be very useful to him indeed , master copperfield , and how i smooth the way for him , and keep him straight . shes so much attached to her father , master copperfield oh , what a lovely thing it is in a daughter . that i think she may come , on his account , to be kind to me . i fathomed the depth of the rascals whole scheme , and understood why he laid it bare . if youll have the goodness to keep my secret , master copperfield , he pursued , and not , in general , to go against me , i shall take it as a particular favour . you wouldnt wish to make unpleasantness . i know what a friendly heart youve got but having only known me on my umble footing you might , unbeknown , go against me rather , with my agnes . i call her mine , you see , master copperfield . theres a song that says , id crowns resign , to call her mine . i hope to do it , one of these days . dear agnes . so much too loving and too good for anyone that i could think of , was it possible that she was reserved to be the wife of such a wretch as this . theres no hurry at present , you know , master copperfield , uriah proceeded , in his slimy way , as i sat gazing at him , with this thought in my mind . my agnes is very young still and mother and me will have to work our way upwards , and make a good many new arrangements , before it would be quite convenient . so i shall have time gradually to make her familiar with my hopes , as opportunities offer . oh , im so much obliged to you for this confidence . oh , its such a relief , you cant think , to know that you understand our situation , and are certain as you wouldnt wish to make unpleasantness in the family not to go against me . he took the hand which i dared not withhold , and having given it a damp squeeze , referred to his pale faced watch . dear me . he said , its past one . the moments slip away so , in the confidence of old times , master copperfield , that its almost half past one . i answered that i had thought it was later . not that i had really thought so , but because my conversational powers were effectually scattered . dear me . he said , considering . the ouse that i am stopping at  sort of a private hotel and boarding ouse , master copperfield , near the new river ed  have gone to bed these two hours . i am sorry , i returned , that there is only one bed here , and that i  oh , dont think of mentioning beds , master copperfield . he rejoined ecstatically , drawing up one leg . but would you have any objections to my laying down before the fire . if it comes to that , i said , pray take my bed , and ill lie down before the fire . his repudiation of this offer was almost shrill enough , in the excess of its surprise and humility , to have penetrated to the ears of mrs . crupp , then sleeping , i suppose , in a distant chamber , situated at about the level of low water mark , soothed in her slumbers by the ticking of an incorrigible clock , to which she always referred me when we had any little difference on the score of punctuality , and which was never less than three quarters of an hour too slow , and had always been put right in the morning by the best authorities . as no arguments i could urge , in my bewildered condition , had the least effect upon his modesty in inducing him to accept my bedroom , i was obliged to make the best arrangements i could , for his repose before the fire . the mattress of the sofa the sofa pillows , a blanket , the table cover, , a clean breakfast cloth, , and a great coat, , made him a bed and covering , for which he was more than thankful . having lent him a night cap, , which he put on at once , and in which he made such an awful figure , that i have never worn one since , i left him to his rest . i never shall forget that night . i never shall forget how i turned and tumbled how i wearied myself with thinking about agnes and this creature how i considered what could i do , and what ought i to do how i could come to no other conclusion than that the best course for her peace was to do nothing , and to keep to myself what i had heard . if i went to sleep for a few moments , the image of agnes with her tender eyes , and of her father looking fondly on her , as i had so often seen him look , arose before me with appealing faces , and filled me with vague terrors . when i awoke , the recollection that uriah was lying in the next room , sat heavy on me like a waking nightmare and oppressed me with a leaden dread , as if i had some meaner quality of devil for a lodger . the poker got into my dozing thoughts besides , and wouldnt come out . i thought , between sleeping and waking , that it was still red hot , and i had snatched it out of the fire , and run him through the body . i was so haunted at last by the idea , though i knew there was nothing in it , that i stole into the next room to look at him . there i saw him , lying on his back , with his legs extending to i dont know where , gurglings taking place in his throat , stoppages in his nose , and his mouth open like a post office . he was so much worse in reality than in my distempered fancy , that afterwards i was attracted to him in very repulsion , and could not help wandering in and out every half hour or so , and taking another look at him . still , the long , night seemed heavy and hopeless as ever , and no promise of day was in the murky sky . when i saw him going downstairs early in the morning for , thank heaven . he would not stay to breakfast , it appeared to me as if the night was going away in his person . when i went out to the commons , i charged mrs . crupp with particular directions to leave the windows open , that my sitting room might be aired , and purged of his presence . chapter . i fall into captivity i saw no more of uriah heep , until the day when agnes left town . i was at the coach office to take leave of her and see her go and there was he , returning to canterbury by the same conveyance . it was some small satisfaction to me to observe his spare , short waisted, , high shouldered, , mulberry coloured great coat perched up , in company with an umbrella like a small tent , on the edge of the back seat on the roof , while agnes was , of course , inside but what i underwent in my efforts to be friendly with him , while agnes looked on , perhaps deserved that little recompense . at the coach window , as at the dinner party, , he hovered about us without a moments intermission , like a great vulture gorging himself on every syllable that i said to agnes , or agnes said to me . in the state of trouble into which his disclosure by my fire had thrown me , i had thought very much of the words agnes had used in reference to the partnership . i did what i hope was right . feeling sure that it was necessary for papas peace that the sacrifice should be made , i entreated him to make it . a miserable foreboding that she would yield to , and sustain herself by , the same feeling in reference to any sacrifice for his sake , had oppressed me ever since . i knew how she loved him . i knew what the devotion of her nature was . i knew from her own lips that she regarded herself as the innocent cause of his errors , and as owing him a great debt she ardently desired to pay . i had no consolation in seeing how different she was from this detestable rufus with the mulberry coloured great coat, , for i felt that in the very difference between them , in the self denial of her pure soul and the sordid baseness of his , the greatest danger lay . all this , doubtless , he knew thoroughly , and had , in his cunning , considered well . yet i was so certain that the prospect of such a sacrifice afar off , must destroy the happiness of agnes and i was so sure , from her manner , of its being unseen by her then , and having cast no shadow on her yet that i could as soon have injured her , as given her any warning of what impended . thus it was that we parted without explanation she waving her hand and smiling farewell from the coach window her evil genius writhing on the roof , as if he had her in his clutches and triumphed . i could not get over this farewell glimpse of them for a long time . when agnes wrote to tell me of her safe arrival , i was as miserable as when i saw her going away . whenever i fell into a thoughtful state , this subject was sure to present itself , and all my uneasiness was sure to be redoubled . hardly a night passed without my dreaming of it . it became a part of my life , and as inseparable from my life as my own head . i had ample leisure to refine upon my uneasiness for steerforth was at oxford , as he wrote to me , and when i was not at the commons , i was very much alone . i believe i had at this time some lurking distrust of steerforth . i wrote to him most affectionately in reply to his , but i think i was glad , upon the whole , that he could not come to london just then . i suspect the truth to be , that the influence of agnes was upon me , undisturbed by the sight of him and that it was the more powerful with me , because she had so large a share in my thoughts and interest . in the meantime , days and weeks slipped away . i was articled to spenlow and jorkins . i had ninety pounds a year exclusive of my house rent and sundry collateral matters from my aunt . my rooms were engaged for twelve months certain and though i still found them dreary of an evening , and the evenings long , i could settle down into a state of equable low spirits , and resign myself to coffee which i seem , on looking back , to have taken by the gallon at about this period of my existence . at about this time , too , i made three discoveries first , that mrs . crupp was a martyr to a curious disorder called the spazzums , which was generally accompanied with inflammation of the nose , and required to be constantly treated with peppermint secondly , that something peculiar in the temperature of my pantry , made the brandy bottles burst thirdly , that i was alone in the world , and much given to record that circumstance in fragments of english versification . on the day when i was articled , no festivity took place , beyond my having sandwiches and sherry into the office for the clerks , and going alone to the theatre at night . i went to see the stranger , as a doctors commons sort of play , and was so dreadfully cut up , that i hardly knew myself in my own glass when i got home . mr . spenlow remarked , on this occasion , when we concluded our business , that he should have been happy to have seen me at his house at norwood to celebrate our becoming connected , but for his domestic arrangements being in some disorder , on account of the expected return of his daughter from finishing her education at paris . but , he intimated that when she came home he should hope to have the pleasure of entertaining me . i knew that he was a widower with one daughter , and expressed my acknowledgements . mr . spenlow was as good as his word . in a week or two , he referred to this engagement , and said , that if i would do him the favour to come down next saturday , and stay till monday , he would be extremely happy . of course i said i would do him the favour and he was to drive me down in his phaeton , and to bring me back . when the day arrived , my very carpet bag was an object of veneration to the stipendiary clerks , to whom the house at norwood was a sacred mystery . one of them informed me that he had heard that mr . spenlow ate entirely off plate and china and another hinted at champagne being constantly on draught , after the usual custom of table beer . the old clerk with the wig , whose name was mr . tiffey , had been down on business several times in the course of his career , and had on each occasion penetrated to the breakfast parlour . he described it as an apartment of the most sumptuous nature , and said that he had drunk brown east india sherry there , of a quality so precious as to make a man wink . we had an adjourned cause in the consistory that day  excommunicating a baker who had been objecting in a vestry to a paving rate as the evidence was just twice the length of robinson crusoe , according to a calculation i made , it was rather late in the day before we finished . however , we got him excommunicated for six weeks , and sentenced in no end of costs and then the bakers proctor , and the judge , and the advocates on both sides went out of town together , and mr . spenlow and i drove away in the phaeton . the phaeton was a very handsome affair the horses arched their necks and lifted up their legs as if they knew they belonged to doctors commons . there was a good deal of competition in the commons on all points of display , and it turned out some very choice equipages then though i always have considered , and always shall consider , that in my time the great article of competition there was starch which i think was worn among the proctors to as great an extent as it is in the nature of man to bear . we were very pleasant , going down , and mr . spenlow gave me some hints in reference to my profession . he said it was the genteelest profession in the world , and must on no account be confounded with the profession of a solicitor being quite another sort of thing , infinitely more exclusive , less mechanical , and more profitable . we took things much more easily in the commons than they could be taken anywhere else , he observed , and that set us , as a privileged class , apart . he said it was impossible to conceal the disagreeable fact , that we were chiefly employed by solicitors but he gave me to understand that they were an inferior race of men , universally looked down upon by all proctors of any pretensions . i asked mr . spenlow what he considered the best sort of professional business . he replied , that a good case of a disputed will , where there was a neat little estate of thirty or forty thousand pounds , was , perhaps , the best of all . in such a case , he said , not only were there very pretty pickings , in the way of arguments at every stage of the proceedings , and mountains upon mountains of evidence on interrogatory and counter interrogatory to say nothing of an appeal lying , first to the delegates , and then to the lords , but , the costs being pretty sure to come out of the estate at last , both sides went at it in a lively and spirited manner , and expense was no consideration . then , he launched into a general eulogium on the commons . what was to be particularly admired in the commons , was its compactness . it was the most conveniently organized place in the world . it was the complete idea of snugness . it lay in a nutshell . for example you brought a divorce case , or a restitution case , into the consistory . very good . you tried it in the consistory . you made a quiet little round game of it , among a family group , and you played it out at leisure . suppose you were not satisfied with the consistory , what did you do then . why , you went into the arches . what was the arches . the same court , in the same room , with the same bar , and the same practitioners , but another judge , for there the consistory judge could plead any court day as an advocate . well , you played your round game out again . still you were not satisfied . very good . what did you do then . why , you went to the delegates . who were the delegates . why , the ecclesiastical delegates were the advocates without any business , who had looked on at the round game when it was playing in both courts , and had seen the cards shuffled , and cut , and played , and had talked to all the players about it , and now came fresh , as judges , to settle the matter to the satisfaction of everybody . discontented people might talk of corruption in the commons , closeness in the commons , and the necessity of reforming the commons , said mr . spenlow solemnly , in conclusion but when the price of wheat per bushel had been highest , the commons had been busiest and a man might lay his hand upon his heart , and say this to the whole world  , the commons , and down comes the country . i listened to all this with attention and though , i must say , i had my doubts whether the country was quite as much obliged to the commons as mr . spenlow made out , i respectfully deferred to his opinion . that about the price of wheat per bushel , i modestly felt was too much for my strength , and quite settled the question . i have never , to this hour , got the better of that bushel of wheat . it has reappeared to annihilate me , all through my life , in connexion with all kinds of subjects . i dont know now , exactly , what it has to do with me , or what right it has to crush me , on an infinite variety of occasions but whenever i see my old friend the bushel brought in by the head and shoulders as he always is , i observe , i give up a subject for lost . this is a digression . i was not the man to touch the commons , and bring down the country . i submissively expressed , by my silence , my acquiescence in all i had heard from my superior in years and knowledge and we talked about the stranger and the drama , and the pairs of horses , until we came to mr . spenlows gate . there was a lovely garden to mr . spenlows house and though that was not the best time of the year for seeing a garden , it was so beautifully kept , that i was quite enchanted . there was a charming lawn , there were clusters of trees , and there were perspective walks that i could just distinguish in the dark , arched over with trellis work, , on which shrubs and flowers grew in the growing season . here miss spenlow walks by herself , i thought . dear me . we went into the house , which was cheerfully lighted up , and into a hall where there were all sorts of hats , caps , great coats, , plaids , gloves , whips , and walking sticks . where is miss dora . said mr . spenlow to the servant . dora . i thought . what a beautiful name . we turned into a room near at hand i think it was the identical breakfast room, , made memorable by the brown east indian sherry , and i heard a voice say , mr . copperfield , my daughter dora , and my daughter doras confidential friend . it was , no doubt , mr . spenlows voice , but i didnt know it , and i didnt care whose it was . all was over in a moment . i had fulfilled my destiny . i was a captive and a slave . i loved dora spenlow to distraction . she was more than human to me . she was a fairy , a sylph , i dont know what she was  that no one ever saw , and everything that everybody ever wanted . i was swallowed up in an abyss of love in an instant . there was no pausing on the brink no looking down , or looking back i was gone , headlong , before i had sense to say a word to her . i , observed a well remembered voice , when i had bowed and murmured something , have seen mr . copperfield before . the speaker was not dora . no the confidential friend , miss murdstone . i dont think i was much astonished . to the best of my judgement , no capacity of astonishment was left in me . there was nothing worth mentioning in the material world , but dora spenlow , to be astonished about . i said , how do you do , miss murdstone . i hope you are well . she answered , very well . i said , how is mr . murdstone . she replied , my brother is robust , i am obliged to you . mr . spenlow , who , i suppose , had been surprised to see us recognize each other , then put in his word . i am glad to find , he said , copperfield , that you and miss murdstone are already acquainted . mr . copperfield and myself , said miss murdstone , with severe composure , are connexions . we were once slightly acquainted . it was in his childish days . circumstances have separated us since . i should not have known him . i replied that i should have known her , anywhere . which was true enough . miss murdstone has had the goodness , said mr . spenlow to me , to accept the office  i may so describe it  my daughter doras confidential friend . my daughter dora having , unhappily , no mother , miss murdstone is obliging enough to become her companion and protector . a passing thought occurred to me that miss murdstone , like the pocket instrument called a life preserver, , was not so much designed for purposes of protection as of assault . but as i had none but passing thoughts for any subject save dora , i glanced at her , directly afterwards , and was thinking that i saw , in her prettily pettish manner , that she was not very much inclined to be particularly confidential to her companion and protector , when a bell rang , which mr . spenlow said was the first dinner bell, , and so carried me off to dress . the idea of dressing ones self , or doing anything in the way of action , in that state of love , was a little too ridiculous . i could only sit down before my fire , biting the key of my carpet bag, , and think of the captivating , girlish , bright eyed lovely dora . what a form she had , what a face she had , what a graceful , variable , enchanting manner . the bell rang again so soon that i made a mere scramble of my dressing , instead of the careful operation i could have wished under the circumstances , and went downstairs . there was some company . dora was talking to an old gentleman with a grey head . grey as he was  a great grandfather into the bargain , for he said so  was madly jealous of him . what a state of mind i was in . i was jealous of everybody . i couldnt bear the idea of anybody knowing mr . spenlow better than i did . it was torturing to me to hear them talk of occurrences in which i had no share . when a most amiable person , with a highly polished bald head , asked me across the dinner table , if that were the first occasion of my seeing the grounds , i could have done anything to him that was savage and revengeful . i dont remember who was there , except dora . i have not the least idea what we had for dinner , besides dora . my impression is , that i dined off dora , entirely , and sent away half a plates untouched . i sat next to her . i talked to her . she had the most delightful little voice , the gayest little laugh , the pleasantest and most fascinating little ways , that ever led a lost youth into hopeless slavery . she was rather diminutive altogether . so much the more precious , i thought . when she went out of the room with miss murdstone no other ladies were of the party , i fell into a reverie , only disturbed by the cruel apprehension that miss murdstone would disparage me to her . the amiable creature with the polished head told me a long story , which i think was about gardening . i think i heard him say , my gardener , several times . i seemed to pay the deepest attention to him , but i was wandering in a garden of eden all the while , with dora . my apprehensions of being disparaged to the object of my engrossing affection were revived when we went into the drawing room, , by the grim and distant aspect of miss murdstone . but i was relieved of them in an unexpected manner . david copperfield , said miss murdstone , beckoning me aside into a window . a word . i confronted miss murdstone alone . david copperfield , said miss murdstone , i need not enlarge upon family circumstances . they are not a tempting subject . far from it , maam , i returned . far from it , assented miss murdstone . i do not wish to revive the memory of past differences , or of past outrages . i have received outrages from a person  female i am sorry to say , for the credit of my sex  is not to be mentioned without scorn and disgust and therefore i would rather not mention her . i felt very fiery on my aunts account but i said it would certainly be better , if miss murdstone pleased , not to mention her . i could not hear her disrespectfully mentioned , i added , without expressing my opinion in a decided tone . miss murdstone shut her eyes , and disdainfully inclined her head then , slowly opening her eyes , resumed david copperfield , i shall not attempt to disguise the fact , that i formed an unfavourable opinion of you in your childhood . it may have been a mistaken one , or you may have ceased to justify it . that is not in question between us now . i belong to a family remarkable , i believe , for some firmness and i am not the creature of circumstance or change . i may have my opinion of you . you may have your opinion of me . i inclined my head , in my turn . but it is not necessary , said miss murdstone , that these opinions should come into collision here . under existing circumstances , it is as well on all accounts that they should not . as the chances of life have brought us together again , and may bring us together on other occasions , i would say , let us meet here as distant acquaintances . family circumstances are a sufficient reason for our only meeting on that footing , and it is quite unnecessary that either of us should make the other the subject of remark . do you approve of this . miss murdstone , i returned , i think you and mr . murdstone used me very cruelly , and treated my mother with great unkindness . i shall always think so , as long as i live . but i quite agree in what you propose . miss murdstone shut her eyes again , and bent her head . then , just touching the back of my hand with the tips of her cold , stiff fingers , she walked away , arranging the little fetters on her wrists and round her neck which seemed to be the same set , in exactly the same state , as when i had seen her last . these reminded me , in reference to miss murdstones nature , of the fetters over a jail door suggesting on the outside , to all beholders , what was to be expected within . all i know of the rest of the evening is , that i heard the empress of my heart sing enchanted ballads in the french language , generally to the effect that , whatever was the matter , we ought always to dance , ta ra la , ta ra la . accompanying herself on a glorified instrument , resembling a guitar . that i was lost in blissful delirium . that i refused refreshment . that my soul recoiled from punch particularly . that when miss murdstone took her into custody and led her away , she smiled and gave me her delicious hand . that i caught a view of myself in a mirror , looking perfectly imbecile and idiotic . that i retired to bed in a most maudlin state of mind , and got up in a crisis of feeble infatuation . it was a fine morning , and early , and i thought i would go and take a stroll down one of those wire arched walks , and indulge my passion by dwelling on her image . on my way through the hall , i encountered her little dog , who was called jip  for gipsy . i approached him tenderly , for i loved even him but he showed his whole set of teeth , got under a chair expressly to snarl , and wouldnt hear of the least familiarity . the garden was cool and solitary . i walked about , wondering what my feelings of happiness would be , if i could ever become engaged to this dear wonder . as to marriage , and fortune , and all that , i believe i was almost as innocently undesigning then , as when i loved little emly . to be allowed to call her dora , to write to her , to dote upon and worship her , to have reason to think that when she was with other people she was yet mindful of me , seemed to me the summit of human ambition  am sure it was the summit of mine . there is no doubt whatever that i was a lackadaisical young spooney but there was a purity of heart in all this , that prevents my having quite a contemptuous recollection of it , let me laugh as i may . i had not been walking long , when i turned a corner , and met her . i tingle again from head to foot as my recollection turns that corner , and my pen shakes in my hand . you  early , miss spenlow , said i . its so stupid at home , she replied , and miss murdstone is so absurd . she talks such nonsense about its being necessary for the day to be aired , before i come out . aired . she laughed , here , in the most melodious manner . on a sunday morning , when i dont practise , i must do something . so i told papa last night i must come out . besides , its the brightest time of the whole day . dont you think so . i hazarded a bold flight , and said that it was very bright to me then , though it had been very dark to me a minute before . do you mean a compliment . said dora , or that the weather has really changed . i stammered worse than before , in replying that i meant no compliment , but the plain truth though i was not aware of any change having taken place in the weather . it was in the state of my own feelings , i added bashfully to clench the explanation . i never saw such curls  could i , for there never were such curls . those she shook out to hide her blushes . as to the straw hat and blue ribbons which was on the top of the curls , if i could only have hung it up in my room in buckingham street , what a priceless possession it would have been . you have just come home from paris , said i . yes , said she . have you ever been there . no . oh . i hope youll go soon . you would like it so much . traces of deep seated anguish appeared in my countenance . that she should hope i would go , that she should think it possible i could go , was insupportable . i depreciated paris i depreciated france . i said i wouldnt leave england , under existing circumstances , for any earthly consideration . nothing should induce me . in short , she was shaking the curls again , when the little dog came running along the walk to our relief . he was mortally jealous of me , and persisted in barking at me . she took him up in her arms  my goodness . caressed him , but he persisted upon barking still . he wouldnt let me touch him , when i tried and then she beat him . it increased my sufferings greatly to see the pats she gave him for punishment on the bridge of his blunt nose , while he winked his eyes , and licked her hand , and still growled within himself like a little double bass . at length he was quiet  he might be with her dimpled chin upon his head . we walked away to look at a greenhouse . you are not very intimate with miss murdstone , are you . said dora . pet . no , i replied . not at all so . she is a tiresome creature , said dora , pouting . i cant think what papa can have been about , when he chose such a vexatious thing to be my companion . who wants a protector . i am sure i dont want a protector . jip can protect me a great deal better than miss murdstone  , you , jip , dear . he only winked lazily , when she kissed his ball of a head . papa calls her my confidential friend , but i am sure she is no such thing  she , jip . we are not going to confide in any such cross people , jip and i . we mean to bestow our confidence where we like , and to find out our own friends , instead of having them found out for us  we , jip . jip made a comfortable noise , in answer , a little like a tea kettle when it sings . as for me , every word was a new heap of fetters , riveted above the last . it is very hard , because we have not a kind mama , that we are to have , instead , a sulky , gloomy old thing like miss murdstone , always following us about  it , jip . never mind , jip . we wont be confidential , and well make ourselves as happy as we can in spite of her , and well tease her , and not please her  we , jip . if it had lasted any longer , i think i must have gone down on my knees on the gravel , with the probability before me of grazing them , and of being presently ejected from the premises besides . but , by good fortune the greenhouse was not far off , and these words brought us to it . it contained quite a show of beautiful geraniums . we loitered along in front of them , and dora often stopped to admire this one or that one , and i stopped to admire the same one , and dora , laughing , held the dog up childishly , to smell the flowers and if we were not all three in fairyland , certainly i was . the scent of a geranium leaf , at this day , strikes me with a half comical half serious wonder as to what change has come over me in a moment and then i see a straw hat and blue ribbons , and a quantity of curls , and a little black dog being held up , in two slender arms , against a bank of blossoms and bright leaves . miss murdstone had been looking for us . she found us here and presented her uncongenial cheek , the little wrinkles in it filled with hair powder , to dora to be kissed . then she took doras arm in hers , and marched us into breakfast as if it were a soldiers funeral . how many cups of tea i drank , because dora made it , i dont know . but , i perfectly remember that i sat swilling tea until my whole nervous system , if i had any in those days , must have gone by the board . by and by we went to church . miss murdstone was between dora and me in the pew but i heard her sing , and the congregation vanished . a sermon was delivered  dora , of course  i am afraid that is all i know of the service . we had a quiet day . no company , a walk , a family dinner of four , and an evening of looking over books and pictures miss murdstone with a homily before her , and her eye upon us , keeping guard vigilantly . ah . little did mr . spenlow imagine , when he sat opposite to me after dinner that day , with his pocket handkerchief over his head , how fervently i was embracing him , in my fancy , as his son in . little did he think , when i took leave of him at night , that he had just given his full consent to my being engaged to dora , and that i was invoking blessings on his head . we departed early in the morning , for we had a salvage case coming on in the admiralty court , requiring a rather accurate knowledge of the whole science of navigation , in which as we couldnt be expected to know much about those matters in the commons the judge had entreated two old trinity masters , for charitys sake , to come and help him out . dora was at the breakfast table to make the tea again , however and i had the melancholy pleasure of taking off my hat to her in the phaeton , as she stood on the door step with jip in her arms . what the admiralty was to me that day what nonsense i made of our case in my mind , as i listened to it how i saw dora engraved upon the blade of the silver oar which they lay upon the table , as the emblem of that high jurisdiction and how i felt when mr . spenlow went home without me as if i were a mariner myself , and the ship to which i belonged had sailed away and left me on a desert island i shall make no fruitless effort to describe . if that sleepy old court could rouse itself , and present in any visible form the daydreams i have had in it about dora , it would reveal my truth . i dont mean the dreams that i dreamed on that day alone , but day after day , from week to week , and term to term . i went there , not to attend to what was going on , but to think about dora . if ever i bestowed a thought upon the cases , as they dragged their slow length before me , it was only to wonder , in the matrimonial cases how it was that married people could ever be otherwise than happy and , in the prerogative cases , to consider , if the money in question had been left to me , what were the foremost steps i should immediately have taken in regard to dora . within the first week of my passion , i bought four sumptuous waistcoats  for myself i had no pride in them for dora  took to wearing straw coloured kid gloves in the streets , and laid the foundations of all the corns i have ever had . if the boots i wore at that period could only be produced and compared with the natural size of my feet , they would show what the state of my heart was , in a most affecting manner . and yet , wretched cripple as i made myself by this act of homage to dora , i walked miles upon miles daily in the hope of seeing her . not only was i soon as well known on the norwood road as the postmen on that beat , but i pervaded london likewise . i walked about the streets where the best shops for ladies were , i haunted the bazaar like an unquiet spirit , i fagged through the park again and again , long after i was quite knocked up . sometimes , at long intervals and on rare occasions , i saw her . perhaps i saw her glove waved in a carriage window perhaps i met her , walked with her and miss murdstone a little way , and spoke to her . in the latter case i was always very miserable afterwards , to think that i had said nothing to the purpose or that she had no idea of the extent of my devotion , or that she cared nothing about me . i was always looking out , as may be supposed , for another invitation to mr . spenlows house . i was always being disappointed , for i got none . mrs . crupp must have been a woman of penetration for when this attachment was but a few weeks old , and i had not had the courage to write more explicitly even to agnes , than that i had been to mr . spenlows house , whose family , i added , consists of one daughter  say mrs . crupp must have been a woman of penetration , for , even in that early stage , she found it out . she came up to me one evening , when i was very low , to ask she being then afflicted with the disorder i have mentioned if i could oblige her with a little tincture of cardamums mixed with rhubarb , and flavoured with seven drops of the essence of cloves , which was the best remedy for her complaint  , if i had not such a thing by me , with a little brandy , which was the next best . it was not , she remarked , so palatable to her , but it was the next best . as i had never even heard of the first remedy , and always had the second in the closet , i gave mrs . crupp a glass of the second , which that i might have no suspicion of its being devoted to any improper use she began to take in my presence . cheer up , sir , said mrs . crupp . i cant abear to see you so , sir im a mother myself . i did not quite perceive the application of this fact to myself , but i smiled on mrs . crupp , as benignly as was in my power . come , sir , said mrs . crupp . excuse me . i know what it is , sir . theres a lady in the case . mrs . crupp . i returned , reddening . oh , bless you . keep a good heart , sir . said mrs . crupp , nodding encouragement . never say die , sir . if she dont smile upon you , theres a many as will . you are a young gentleman to be smiled on , mr . copperfull , and you must learn your walue , sir . mrs . crupp always called me mr . copperfull firstly , no doubt , because it was not my name and secondly , i am inclined to think , in some indistinct association with a washing day . what makes you suppose there is any young lady in the case , mrs . crupp . said i . mr . copperfull , said mrs . crupp , with a great deal of feeling , im a mother myself . for some time mrs . crupp could only lay her hand upon her nankeen bosom , and fortify herself against returning pain with sips of her medicine . at length she spoke again . when the present set were took for you by your dear aunt , mr . copperfull , said mrs . crupp , my remark were , i had now found summun i could care for . thank evin . were the expression , i have now found summun i can care for . dont eat enough , sir , nor yet drink . is that what you found your supposition on , mrs . crupp . said i . sir , said mrs . crupp , in a tone approaching to severity , ive laundressed other young gentlemen besides yourself . a young gentleman may be over careful of himself , or he may be under careful of himself . he may brush his hair too regular , or too un regular . he may wear his boots much too large for him , or much too small . that is according as the young gentleman has his original character formed . but let him go to which extreme he may , sir , theres a young lady in both of em . mrs . crupp shook her head in such a determined manner , that i had not an inch of vantage ground left . it was but the gentleman which died here before yourself , said mrs . crupp , that fell in love  a barmaid  had his waistcoats took in directly , though much swelled by drinking . mrs . crupp , said i , must beg you not to connect the young lady in my case with a barmaid , or anything of that sort , if you please . mr . copperfull , returned mrs . crupp , im a mother myself , and not likely . i ask your pardon , sir , if i intrude . i should never wish to intrude where i were not welcome . but you are a young gentleman , mr . copperfull , and my adwice to you is , to cheer up , sir , to keep a good heart , and to know your own walue . if you was to take to something , sir , said mrs . crupp , if you was to take to skittles , now , which is healthy , you might find it divert your mind , and do you good . with these words , mrs . crupp , affecting to be very careful of the brandy  was all gone  me with a majestic curtsey , and retired . as her figure disappeared into the gloom of the entry , this counsel certainly presented itself to my mind in the light of a slight liberty on mrs . crupps part but , at the same time , i was content to receive it , in another point of view , as a word to the wise , and a warning in future to keep my secret better . chapter . tommy traddles it may have been in consequence of mrs . crupps advice , and , perhaps , for no better reason than because there was a certain similarity in the sound of the word skittles and traddles , that it came into my head , next day , to go and look after traddles . the time he had mentioned was more than out , and he lived in a little street near the veterinary college at camden town , which was principally tenanted , as one of our clerks who lived in that direction informed me , by gentlemen students , who bought live donkeys , and made experiments on those quadrupeds in their private apartments . having obtained from this clerk a direction to the academic grove in question , i set out , the same afternoon , to visit my old schoolfellow . i found that the street was not as desirable a one as i could have wished it to be , for the sake of traddles . the inhabitants appeared to have a propensity to throw any little trifles they were not in want of , into the road which not only made it rank and sloppy , but untidy too , on account of the cabbage leaves . the refuse was not wholly vegetable either , for i myself saw a shoe , a doubled up saucepan , a black bonnet , and an umbrella , in various stages of decomposition , as i was looking out for the number i wanted . the general air of the place reminded me forcibly of the days when i lived with mr . and mrs . micawber . an indescribable character of faded gentility that attached to the house i sought , and made it unlike all the other houses in the street  they were all built on one monotonous pattern , and looked like the early copies of a blundering boy who was learning to make houses , and had not yet got out of his cramped brick and pothooks  me still more of mr . and mrs . micawber . happening to arrive at the door as it was opened to the afternoon milkman , i was reminded of mr . and mrs . micawber more forcibly yet . now , said the milkman to a very youthful servant girl . has that there little bill of mine been heerd on . oh , master says hell attend to it immediate , was the reply . because , said the milkman , going on as if he had received no answer , and speaking , as i judged from his tone , rather for the edification of somebody within the house , than of the youthful servant  impression which was strengthened by his manner of glaring down the passage  that there little bill has been running so long , that i begin to believe its run away altogether , and never wont be heerd of . now , im not a going to stand it , you know . said the milkman , still throwing his voice into the house , and glaring down the passage . as to his dealing in the mild article of milk , by the by , there never was a greater anomaly . his deportment would have been fierce in a butcher or a brandy merchant . the voice of the youthful servant became faint , but she seemed to me , from the action of her lips , again to murmur that it would be attended to immediate . i tell you what , said the milkman , looking hard at her for the first time , and taking her by the chin , are you fond of milk . yes , i likes it , she replied . good , said the milkman . then you wont have none tomorrow . dye hear . not a fragment of milk you wont have tomorrow . i thought she seemed , upon the whole , relieved by the prospect of having any today . the milkman , after shaking his head at her darkly , released her chin , and with anything rather than good will opened his can , and deposited the usual quantity in the family jug . this done , he went away , muttering , and uttered the cry of his trade next door , in a vindictive shriek . does mr . traddles live here . i then inquired . a mysterious voice from the end of the passage replied yes . upon which the youthful servant replied yes . is he at home . said i . again the mysterious voice replied in the affirmative , and again the servant echoed it . upon this , i walked in , and in pursuance of the servants directions walked upstairs conscious , as i passed the back parlour door, , that i was surveyed by a mysterious eye , probably belonging to the mysterious voice . when i got to the top of the stairs  house was only a story high above the ground floor  was on the landing to meet me . he was delighted to see me , and gave me welcome , with great heartiness , to his little room . it was in the front of the house , and extremely neat , though sparely furnished . it was his only room , i saw for there was a sofa bedstead in it , and his blacking brushes and blacking were among his books  the top shelf , behind a dictionary . his table was covered with papers , and he was hard at work in an old coat . i looked at nothing , that i know of , but i saw everything , even to the prospect of a church upon his china inkstand , as i sat down  this , too , was a faculty confirmed in me in the old micawber times . various ingenious arrangements he had made , for the disguise of his chest of drawers , and the accommodation of his boots , his shaving glass, , and so forth , particularly impressed themselves upon me , as evidences of the same traddles who used to make models of elephants dens in writing paper to put flies in and to comfort himself under ill usage , with the memorable works of art i have so often mentioned . in a corner of the room was something neatly covered up with a large white cloth . i could not make out what that was . traddles , said i , shaking hands with him again , after i had sat down , i am delighted to see you . i am delighted to see you , copperfield , he returned . i am very glad indeed to see you . it was because i was thoroughly glad to see you when we met in ely place , and was sure you were thoroughly glad to see me , that i gave you this address instead of my address at chambers . oh . you have chambers . said i . why , i have the fourth of a room and a passage , and the fourth of a clerk , returned traddles . three others and myself unite to have a set of chambers  look business like we quarter the clerk too . half a a week he costs me . his old simple character and good temper , and something of his old unlucky fortune also , i thought , smiled at me in the smile with which he made this explanation . its not because i have the least pride , copperfield , you understand , said traddles , that i dont usually give my address here . its only on account of those who come to me , who might not like to come here . for myself , i am fighting my way on in the world against difficulties , and it would be ridiculous if i made a pretence of doing anything else . you are reading for the bar , mr . waterbrook informed me . said i . why , yes , said traddles , rubbing his hands slowly over one another . i am reading for the bar . the fact is , i have just begun to keep my terms , after rather a long delay . its some time since i was articled , but the payment of that hundred pounds was a great pull . a great pull . said traddles , with a wince , as if he had a tooth out . do you know what i cant help thinking of , traddles , as i sit here looking at you . i asked him . no , said he . that sky blue suit you used to wear . lord , to be sure . cried traddles , laughing . tight in the arms and legs , you know . dear me . well . those were happy times , werent they . i think our schoolmaster might have made them happier , without doing any harm to any of us , i acknowledge , i returned . perhaps he might , said traddles . but dear me , there was a good deal of fun going on . do you remember the nights in the bedroom . when we used to have the suppers . and when you used to tell the stories . ha , . and do you remember when i got caned for crying about mr . mell . old creakle . i should like to see him again , too . he was a brute to you , traddles , said i , indignantly for his good humour made me feel as if i had seen him beaten but yesterday . do you think so . returned traddles . really . perhaps he was rather . but its all over , a long while . old creakle . you were brought up by an uncle , then . said i . of course i was . said traddles . the one i was always going to write to . and always didnt , eh . ha , . yes , i had an uncle then . he died soon after i left school . indeed . yes . he was a retired  do you call it . had made me his heir . but he didnt like me when i grew up . do you really mean that . said i . he was so composed , that i fancied he must have some other meaning . oh dear , yes , copperfield . i mean it , replied traddles . it was an unfortunate thing , but he didnt like me at all . he said i wasnt at all what he expected , and so he married his housekeeper . and what did you do . i asked . i didnt do anything in particular , said traddles . i lived with them , waiting to be put out in the world , until his gout unfortunately flew to his stomach  so he died , and so she married a young man , and so i wasnt provided for . did you get nothing , traddles , after all . oh dear , yes . said traddles . i got fifty pounds . i had never been brought up to any profession , and at first i was at a loss what to do for myself . however , i began , with the assistance of the son of a professional man , who had been to salem house  , with his nose on one side . do you recollect him . no . he had not been there with me all the noses were straight in my day . it dont matter , said traddles . i began , by means of his assistance , to copy law writings . that didnt answer very well and then i began to state cases for them , and make abstracts , and that sort of work . for i am a plodding kind of fellow , copperfield , and had learnt the way of doing such things pithily . well . that put it in my head to enter myself as a law student and that ran away with all that was left of the fifty pounds . yawler recommended me to one or two other offices , however  . waterbrooks for one  i got a good many jobs . i was fortunate enough , too , to become acquainted with a person in the publishing way , who was getting up an encyclopaedia , and he set me to work and , indeed i am at work for him at this minute . i am not a bad compiler , copperfield , said traddles , preserving the same air of cheerful confidence in all he said , but i have no invention at all not a particle . i suppose there never was a young man with less originality than i have . as traddles seemed to expect that i should assent to this as a matter of course , i nodded and he went on , with the same sprightly patience  can find no better expression  before . so , by little and little , and not living high , i managed to scrape up the hundred pounds at last , said traddles and thank heaven thats paid  it was  it certainly was , said traddles , wincing again as if he had another tooth out , a pull . i am living by the sort of work i have mentioned , still , and i hope , one of these days , to get connected with some newspaper which would almost be the making of my fortune . now , copperfield , you are so exactly what you used to be , with that agreeable face , and its so pleasant to see you , that i shant conceal anything . therefore you must know that i am engaged . engaged . oh , dora . she is a curates daughter , said traddles one of ten , down in devonshire . yes . for he saw me glance , involuntarily , at the prospect on the inkstand . thats the church . you come round here to the left , out of this gate , tracing his finger along the inkstand , and exactly where i hold this pen , there stands the house  , you understand , towards the church . the delight with which he entered into these particulars , did not fully present itself to me until afterwards for my selfish thoughts were making a ground plan of mr . spenlows house and garden at the same moment . she is such a dear girl . said traddles a little older than me , but the dearest girl . i told you i was going out of town . i have been down there . i walked there , and i walked back , and i had the most delightful time . i dare say ours is likely to be a rather long engagement , but our motto is wait and hope . we always say that . wait and hope , we always say . and she would wait , copperfield , till she was sixty  age you can mention  me . traddles rose from his chair , and , with a triumphant smile , put his hand upon the white cloth i had observed . however , he said , its not that we havent made a beginning towards housekeeping . no , we have begun . we must get on by degrees , but we have begun . here , drawing the cloth off with great pride and care , are two pieces of furniture to commence with . this flower pot and stand , she bought herself . you put that in a parlour window , said traddles , falling a little back from it to survey it with the greater admiration , with a plant in it , and  there you are . this little round table with the marble top i bought . you want to lay a book down , you know , or somebody comes to see you or your wife , and wants a place to stand a cup of tea upon , and  there you are again . said traddles . its an admirable piece of workmanship  as a rock . i praised them both , highly , and traddles replaced the covering as carefully as he had removed it . its not a great deal towards the furnishing , said traddles , but its something . the table cloths, , and pillow cases, , and articles of that kind , are what discourage me most , copperfield . so does the ironmongery  , and gridirons , and that sort of necessaries  those things tell , and mount up . however , wait and hope . and i assure you shes the dearest girl . i am quite certain of it , said i . in the meantime , said traddles , coming back to his chair and this is the end of my prosing about myself , i get on as well as i can . i dont make much , but i dont spend much . in general , i board with the people downstairs , who are very agreeable people indeed . both mr . and mrs . micawber have seen a good deal of life , and are excellent company . my dear traddles . i quickly exclaimed . what are you talking about . traddles looked at me , as if he wondered what i was talking about . mr . and mrs . micawber . i repeated . why , i am intimately acquainted with them . an opportune double knock at the door , which i knew well from old experience in windsor terrace , and which nobody but mr . micawber could ever have knocked at that door , resolved any doubt in my mind as to their being my old friends . i begged traddles to ask his landlord to walk up . traddles accordingly did so , over the banister and mr . micawber , not a bit changed  tights , his stick , his shirt collar, , and his eye glass, , all the same as ever  into the room with a genteel and youthful air . i beg your pardon , mr . traddles , said mr . micawber , with the old roll in his voice , as he checked himself in humming a soft tune . i was not aware that there was any individual , alien to this tenement , in your sanctum . mr . micawber slightly bowed to me , and pulled up his shirt collar . how do you do , mr . micawber . said i . sir , said mr . micawber , you are exceedingly obliging . i am in statu quo . and mrs . micawber . i pursued . sir , said mr . micawber , she is also , thank god , in statu quo . and the children , mr . micawber . sir , said mr . micawber , i rejoice to reply that they are , likewise , in the enjoyment of salubrity . all this time , mr . micawber had not known me in the least , though he had stood face to face with me . but now , seeing me smile , he examined my features with more attention , fell back , cried , is it possible . have i the pleasure of again beholding copperfield . and shook me by both hands with the utmost fervour . good heaven , mr . traddles . said mr . micawber , to think that i should find you acquainted with the friend of my youth , the companion of earlier days . my dear . calling over the banisters to mrs . micawber , while traddles looked not a little amazed at this description of me . here is a gentleman in mr . traddless apartment , whom he wishes to have the pleasure of presenting to you , my love . mr . micawber immediately reappeared , and shook hands with me again . and how is our good friend the doctor , copperfield . said mr . micawber , and all the circle at canterbury . i have none but good accounts of them , said i . i am most delighted to hear it , said mr . micawber . it was at canterbury where we last met . within the shadow , i may figuratively say , of that religious edifice immortalized by chaucer , which was anciently the resort of pilgrims from the remotest corners of  short , said mr . micawber , in the immediate neighbourhood of the cathedral . i replied that it was . mr . micawber continued talking as volubly as he could but not , i thought , without showing , by some marks of concern in his countenance , that he was sensible of sounds in the next room , as of mrs . micawber washing her hands , and hurriedly opening and shutting drawers that were uneasy in their action . you find us , copperfield , said mr . micawber , with one eye on traddles , at present established , on what may be designated as a small and unassuming scale but , you are aware that i have , in the course of my career , surmounted difficulties , and conquered obstacles . you are no stranger to the fact , that there have been periods of my life , when it has been requisite that i should pause , until certain expected events should turn up when it has been necessary that i should fall back , before making what i trust i shall not be accused of presumption in terming  spring . the present is one of those momentous stages in the life of man . you find me , fallen back , for a spring and i have every reason to believe that a vigorous leap will shortly be the result . i was expressing my satisfaction , when mrs . micawber came in a little more slatternly than she used to be , or so she seemed now , to my unaccustomed eyes , but still with some preparation of herself for company , and with a pair of brown gloves on . my dear , said mr . micawber , leading her towards me , here is a gentleman of the name of copperfield , who wishes to renew his acquaintance with you . it would have been better , as it turned out , to have led gently up to this announcement , for mrs . micawber , being in a delicate state of health , was overcome by it , and was taken so unwell , that mr . micawber was obliged , in great trepidation , to run down to the water butt in the backyard , and draw a basinful to lave her brow with . she presently revived , however , and was really pleased to see me . we had half an talk , all together and i asked her about the twins , who , she said , were grown great creatures and after master and miss micawber , whom she described as absolute giants , but they were not produced on that occasion . mr . micawber was very anxious that i should stay to dinner . i should not have been averse to do so , but that i imagined i detected trouble , and calculation relative to the extent of the cold meat , in mrs . micawbers eye . i therefore pleaded another engagement and observing that mrs . micawbers spirits were immediately lightened , i resisted all persuasion to forego it . but i told traddles , and mr . and mrs . micawber , that before i could think of leaving , they must appoint a day when they would come and dine with me . the occupations to which traddles stood pledged , rendered it necessary to fix a somewhat distant one but an appointment was made for the purpose , that suited us all , and then i took my leave . mr . micawber , under pretence of showing me a nearer way than that by which i had come , accompanied me to the corner of the street being anxious to say a few words to an old friend , in confidence . my dear copperfield , said mr . micawber , i need hardly tell you that to have beneath our roof , under existing circumstances , a mind like that which gleams  i may be allowed the expression  gleams  your friend traddles , is an unspeakable comfort . with a washerwoman , who exposes hard bake for sale in her parlour window, , dwelling next door , and a bow street officer residing over the way , you may imagine that his society is a source of consolation to myself and to mrs . micawber . i am at present , my dear copperfield , engaged in the sale of corn upon commission . it is not an avocation of a remunerative description  other words , it does not pay  some temporary embarrassments of a pecuniary nature have been the consequence . i am , however , delighted to add that i have now an immediate prospect of something turning up i am not at liberty to say in what direction , which i trust will enable me to provide , permanently , both for myself and for your friend traddles , in whom i have an unaffected interest . you may , perhaps , be prepared to hear that mrs . micawber is in a state of health which renders it not wholly improbable that an addition may be ultimately made to those pledges of affection which  short , to the infantine group . mrs . micawbers family have been so good as to express their dissatisfaction at this state of things . i have merely to observe , that i am not aware that it is any business of theirs , and that i repel that exhibition of feeling with scorn , and with defiance . mr . micawber then shook hands with me again , and left me . chapter . mr . micawbers gauntlet until the day arrived on which i was to entertain my newly found old friends , i lived principally on dora and coffee . in my love lorn condition , my appetite languished and i was glad of it , for i felt as though it would have been an act of perfidy towards dora to have a natural relish for my dinner . the quantity of walking exercise i took , was not in this respect attended with its usual consequence , as the disappointment counteracted the fresh air . i have my doubts , too , founded on the acute experience acquired at this period of my life , whether a sound enjoyment of animal food can develop itself freely in any human subject who is always in torment from tight boots . i think the extremities require to be at peace before the stomach will conduct itself with vigour . on the occasion of this domestic little party , i did not repeat my former extensive preparations . i merely provided a pair of soles , a small leg of mutton , and a pigeon pie . mrs . crupp broke out into rebellion on my first bashful hint in reference to the cooking of the fish and joint , and said , with a dignified sense of injury , no . no , sir . you will not ask me sich a thing , for you are better acquainted with me than to suppose me capable of doing what i cannot do with ampial satisfaction to my own feelings . but , in the end , a compromise was effected and mrs . crupp consented to achieve this feat , on condition that i dined from home for a fortnight afterwards . and here i may remark , that what i underwent from mrs . crupp , in consequence of the tyranny she established over me , was dreadful . i never was so much afraid of anyone . we made a compromise of everything . if i hesitated , she was taken with that wonderful disorder which was always lying in ambush in her system , ready , at the shortest notice , to prey upon her vitals . if i rang the bell impatiently , after half a unavailing modest pulls , and she appeared at last  was not by any means to be relied upon  would appear with a reproachful aspect , sink breathless on a chair near the door , lay her hand upon her nankeen bosom , and become so ill , that i was glad , at any sacrifice of brandy or anything else , to get rid of her . if i objected to having my bed made at five oclock in the afternoon  i do still think an uncomfortable arrangement  motion of her hand towards the same nankeen region of wounded sensibility was enough to make me falter an apology . in short , i would have done anything in an honourable way rather than give mrs . crupp offence and she was the terror of my life . i bought a second hand dumb waiter for this dinner party, , in preference to re engaging the handy young man against whom i had conceived a prejudice , in consequence of meeting him in the strand , one sunday morning , in a waistcoat remarkably like one of mine , which had been missing since the former occasion . the young gal was re engaged but on the stipulation that she should only bring in the dishes , and then withdraw to the landing place, , beyond the outer door where a habit of sniffing she had contracted would be lost upon the guests , and where her retiring on the plates would be a physical impossibility . having laid in the materials for a bowl of punch , to be compounded by mr . micawber having provided a bottle of lavender water, , two wax candles, , a paper of mixed pins , and a pincushion , to assist mrs . micawber in her toilette at my dressing table having also caused the fire in my bedroom to be lighted for mrs . micawbers convenience and having laid the cloth with my own hands , i awaited the result with composure . at the appointed time , my three visitors arrived together . mr . micawber with more shirt collar than usual , and a new ribbon to his eye glass mrs . micawber with her cap in a whitey brown paper parcel traddles carrying the parcel , and supporting mrs . micawber on his arm . they were all delighted with my residence . when i conducted mrs . micawber to my dressing table, , and she saw the scale on which it was prepared for her , she was in such raptures , that she called mr . micawber to come in and look . my dear copperfield , said mr . micawber , this is luxurious . this is a way of life which reminds me of the period when i was myself in a state of celibacy , and mrs . micawber had not yet been solicited to plight her faith at the hymeneal altar . he means , solicited by him , mr . copperfield , said mrs . micawber , archly . he cannot answer for others . my dear , returned mr . micawber with sudden seriousness , i have no desire to answer for others . i am too well aware that when , in the inscrutable decrees of fate , you were reserved for me , it is possible you may have been reserved for one , destined , after a protracted struggle , at length to fall a victim to pecuniary involvements of a complicated nature . i understand your allusion , my love . i regret it , but i can bear it . micawber . exclaimed mrs . micawber , in tears . have i deserved this . i , who never have deserted you who never will desert you , micawber . my love , said mr . micawber , much affected , you will forgive , and our old and tried friend copperfield will , i am sure , forgive , the momentary laceration of a wounded spirit , made sensitive by a recent collision with the minion of power  other words , with a ribald turncock attached to the water works will pity , not condemn , its excesses . mr . micawber then embraced mrs . micawber , and pressed my hand leaving me to infer from this broken allusion that his domestic supply of water had been cut off that afternoon , in consequence of default in the payment of the companys rates . to divert his thoughts from this melancholy subject , i informed mr . micawber that i relied upon him for a bowl of punch , and led him to the lemons . his recent despondency , not to say despair , was gone in a moment . i never saw a man so thoroughly enjoy himself amid the fragrance of lemon peel and sugar , the odour of burning rum , and the steam of boiling water , as mr . micawber did that afternoon . it was wonderful to see his face shining at us out of a thin cloud of these delicate fumes , as he stirred , and mixed , and tasted , and looked as if he were making , instead of punch , a fortune for his family down to the latest posterity . as to mrs . micawber , i dont know whether it was the effect of the cap , or the lavender water, , or the pins , or the fire , or the wax candles, , but she came out of my room , comparatively speaking , lovely . and the lark was never gayer than that excellent woman . i suppose  never ventured to inquire , but i suppose  mrs . crupp , after frying the soles , was taken ill . because we broke down at that point . the leg of mutton came up very red within , and very pale without besides having a foreign substance of a gritty nature sprinkled over it , as if had a fall into the ashes of that remarkable kitchen fireplace . but we were not in condition to judge of this fact from the appearance of the gravy , forasmuch as the young gal had dropped it all upon the stairs  it remained , by the by , in a long train , until it was worn out . the pigeon pie was not bad , but it was a delusive pie the crust being like a disappointing head , phrenologically speaking full of lumps and bumps , with nothing particular underneath . in short , the banquet was such a failure that i should have been quite unhappy  the failure , i mean , for i was always unhappy about dora  i had not been relieved by the great good humour of my company , and by a bright suggestion from mr . micawber . my dear friend copperfield , said mr . micawber , accidents will occur in the best regulated families and in families not regulated by that pervading influence which sanctifies while it enhances the  would say , in short , by the influence of woman , in the lofty character of wife , they may be expected with confidence , and must be borne with philosophy . if you will allow me to take the liberty of remarking that there are few comestibles better , in their way , than a devil , and that i believe , with a little division of labour , we could accomplish a good one if the young person in attendance could produce a gridiron , i would put it to you , that this little misfortune may be easily repaired . there was a gridiron in the pantry , on which my morning rasher of bacon was cooked . we had it in , a twinkling , and immediately applied ourselves to carrying mr . micawbers idea into effect . the division of labour to which he had referred was this  cut the mutton into slices mr . micawber covered them with pepper , mustard , salt , and cayenne i put them on the gridiron , turned them with a fork , and took them off , under mr . micawbers direction and mrs . micawber heated , and continually stirred , some mushroom ketchup in a little saucepan . when we had slices enough done to begin upon , we fell to, , with our sleeves still tucked up at the wrist , more slices sputtering and blazing on the fire , and our attention divided between the mutton on our plates , and the mutton then preparing . what with the novelty of this cookery , the excellence of it , the bustle of it , the frequent starting up to look after it , the frequent sitting down to dispose of it as the crisp slices came off the gridiron hot and hot , the being so busy , so flushed with the fire , so amused , and in the midst of such a tempting noise and savour , we reduced the leg of mutton to the bone . my own appetite came back miraculously . i am ashamed to record it , but i really believe i forgot dora for a little while . i am satisfied that mr . and mrs . micawber could not have enjoyed the feast more , if they had sold a bed to provide it . traddles laughed as heartily , almost the whole time , as he ate and worked . indeed we all did , all at once and i dare say there was never a greater success . we were at the height of our enjoyment , and were all busily engaged , in our several departments , endeavouring to bring the last batch of slices to a state of perfection that should crown the feast , when i was aware of a strange presence in the room , and my eyes encountered those of the staid littimer , standing hat in hand before me . whats the matter . i involuntarily asked . i beg your pardon , sir , i was directed to come in . is my master not here , sir . no . have you not seen him , sir . no dont you come from him . not immediately so , sir . did he tell you would find him here . not exactly so , sir . but i should think he might be here tomorrow , as he has not been here today . is he coming up from oxford . i beg , sir , he returned respectfully , that you will be seated , and allow me to do this . with which he took the fork from my unresisting hand , and bent over the gridiron , as if his whole attention were concentrated on it . we should not have been much discomposed , i dare say , by the appearance of steerforth himself , but we became in a moment the meekest of the meek before his respectable serving man . mr . micawber , humming a tune , to show that he was quite at ease , subsided into his chair , with the handle of a hastily concealed fork sticking out of the bosom of his coat , as if he had stabbed himself . mrs . micawber put on her brown gloves , and assumed a genteel languor . traddles ran his greasy hands through his hair , and stood it bolt upright , and stared in confusion on the table cloth . as for me , i was a mere infant at the head of my own table and hardly ventured to glance at the respectable phenomenon , who had come from heaven knows where , to put my establishment to rights . meanwhile he took the mutton off the gridiron , and gravely handed it round . we all took some , but our appreciation of it was gone , and we merely made a show of eating it . as we severally pushed away our plates , he noiselessly removed them , and set on the cheese . he took that off , too , when it was done with cleared the table piled everything on the dumb waiter gave us our wine glasses and , of his own accord , wheeled the dumb waiter into the pantry . all this was done in a perfect manner , and he never raised his eyes from what he was about . yet his very elbows , when he had his back towards me , seemed to teem with the expression of his fixed opinion that i was extremely young . can i do anything more , sir . i thanked him and said , no but would he take no dinner himself . none , i am obliged to you , sir . is mr . steerforth coming from oxford . i beg your pardon , sir . is mr . steerforth coming from oxford . i should imagine that he might be here tomorrow , sir . i rather thought he might have been here today , sir . the mistake is mine , no doubt , sir . if you should see him first  said i . if youll excuse me , sir , i dont think i shall see him first . in case you do , said i , pray say that i am sorry he was not here today , as an old schoolfellow of his was here . indeed , sir . and he divided a bow between me and traddles , with a glance at the latter . he was moving softly to the door , when , in a forlorn hope of saying something naturally  i never could , to this man  said oh . littimer . sir . did you remain long at yarmouth , that time . not particularly so , sir . you saw the boat completed . yes , sir . i remained behind on purpose to see the boat completed . i know . he raised his eyes to mine respectfully . mr . steerforth has not seen it yet , i suppose . i really cant say , sir . i think  i really cant say , sir . i wish you good night , sir . he comprehended everybody present , in the respectful bow with which he followed these words , and disappeared . my visitors seemed to breathe more freely when he was gone but my own relief was very great , for besides the constraint , arising from that extraordinary sense of being at a disadvantage which i always had in this mans presence , my conscience had embarrassed me with whispers that i had mistrusted his master , and i could not repress a vague uneasy dread that he might find it out . how was it , having so little in reality to conceal , that i always did feel as if this man were finding me out . mr . micawber roused me from this reflection , which was blended with a certain remorseful apprehension of seeing steerforth himself , by bestowing many encomiums on the absent littimer as a most respectable fellow , and a thoroughly admirable servant . mr . micawber , i may remark , had taken his full share of the general bow , and had received it with infinite condescension . but punch , my dear copperfield , said mr . micawber , tasting it , like time and tide , waits for no man . ah . it is at the present moment in high flavour . my love , will you give me your opinion . mrs . micawber pronounced it excellent . then i will drink , said mr . micawber , if my friend copperfield will permit me to take that social liberty , to the days when my friend copperfield and myself were younger , and fought our way in the world side by side . i may say , of myself and copperfield , in words we have sung together before now , that we twa hae run about the braes and pud the gowans fine a figurative point of view  several occasions . i am not exactly aware , said mr . micawber , with the old roll in his voice , and the old indescribable air of saying something genteel , what gowans may be , but i have no doubt that copperfield and myself would frequently have taken a pull at them , if it had been feasible . mr . micawber , at the then present moment , took a pull at his punch . so we all did traddles evidently lost in wondering at what distant time mr . micawber and i could have been comrades in the battle of the world . ahem . said mr . micawber , clearing his throat , and warming with the punch and with the fire . my dear , another glass . mrs . micawber said it must be very little but we couldnt allow that , so it was a glassful . as we are quite confidential here , mr . copperfield , said mrs . micawber , sipping her punch , mr . traddles being a part of our domesticity , i should much like to have your opinion on mr . micawbers prospects . for corn , said mrs . micawber argumentatively , as i have repeatedly said to mr . micawber , may be gentlemanly , but it is not remunerative . commission to the extent of two and ninepence in a fortnight cannot , however limited our ideas , be considered remunerative . we were all agreed upon that . then , said mrs . micawber , who prided herself on taking a clear view of things , and keeping mr . micawber straight by her womans wisdom , when he might otherwise go a little crooked , then i ask myself this question . if corn is not to be relied upon , what is . are coals to be relied upon . not at all . we have turned our attention to that experiment , on the suggestion of my family , and we find it fallacious . mr . micawber , leaning back in his chair with his hands in his pockets , eyed us aside , and nodded his head , as much as to say that the case was very clearly put . the articles of corn and coals , said mrs . micawber , still more argumentatively , being equally out of the question , mr . copperfield , i naturally look round the world , and say , what is there in which a person of mr . micawbers talent is likely to succeed . and i exclude the doing anything on commission , because commission is not a certainty . what is best suited to a person of mr . micawbers peculiar temperament is , i am convinced , a certainty . traddles and i both expressed , by a feeling murmur , that this great discovery was no doubt true of mr . micawber , and that it did him much credit . i will not conceal from you , my dear mr . copperfield , said mrs . micawber , that i have long felt the brewing business to be particularly adapted to mr . micawber . look at barclay and perkins . look at truman , hanbury , and buxton . it is on that extensive footing that mr . micawber , i know from my own knowledge of him , is calculated to shine and the profits , i am told , are e nor . but if mr . micawber cannot get into those firms  decline to answer his letters , when he offers his services even in an inferior capacity  is the use of dwelling upon that idea . none . i may have a conviction that mr . micawbers manners  hem . really , my dear , interposed mr . micawber . my love , be silent , said mrs . micawber , laying her brown glove on his hand . i may have a conviction , mr . copperfield , that mr . micawbers manners peculiarly qualify him for the banking business . i may argue within myself , that if i had a deposit at a banking house, , the manners of mr . micawber , as representing that banking house, , would inspire confidence , and must extend the connexion . but if the various banking houses refuse to avail themselves of mr . micawbers abilities , or receive the offer of them with contumely , what is the use of dwelling upon that idea . none . as to originating a banking business, , i may know that there are members of my family who , if they chose to place their money in mr . micawbers hands , might found an establishment of that description . but if they do not choose to place their money in mr . micawbers hands  they dont  is the use of that . again i contend that we are no farther advanced than we were before . i shook my head , and said , not a bit . traddles also shook his head , and said , not a bit . what do i deduce from this . mrs . micawber went on to say , still with the same air of putting a case lucidly . what is the conclusion , my dear mr . copperfield , to which i am irresistibly brought . am i wrong in saying , it is clear that we must live . i answered not at all . and traddles answered not at all . and i found myself afterwards sagely adding , alone , that a person must either live or die . just so , returned mrs . micawber , it is precisely that . and the fact is , my dear mr . copperfield , that we can not live without something widely different from existing circumstances shortly turning up . now i am convinced , myself , and this i have pointed out to mr . micawber several times of late , that things cannot be expected to turn up of themselves . we must , in a measure , assist to turn them up . i may be wrong , but i have formed that opinion . both traddles and i applauded it highly . very well , said mrs . micawber . then what do i recommend . here is mr . micawber with a variety of qualifications  great talent  really , my love , said mr . micawber . pray , my dear , allow me to conclude . here is mr . micawber , with a variety of qualifications , with great talent  should say , with genius , but that may be the partiality of a wife  traddles and i both murmured no . and here is mr . micawber without any suitable position or employment . where does that responsibility rest . clearly on society . then i would make a fact so disgraceful known , and boldly challenge society to set it right . it appears to me , my dear mr . copperfield , said mrs . micawber , forcibly , that what mr . micawber has to do , is to throw down the gauntlet to society , and say , in effect , show me who will take that up . let the party immediately step forward . i ventured to ask mrs . micawber how this was to be done . by advertising , said mrs . micawber  all the papers . it appears to me , that what mr . micawber has to do , in justice to himself , in justice to his family , and i will even go so far as to say in justice to society , by which he has been hitherto overlooked , is to advertise in all the papers to describe himself plainly as so and , with such and such qualifications and to put it thus now employ me , on remunerative terms , and address , post paid, , to w . m . post office , camden town . this idea of mrs . micawbers , my dear copperfield , said mr . micawber , making his shirt collar meet in front of his chin , and glancing at me sideways , is , in fact , the leap to which i alluded , when i last had the pleasure of seeing you . advertising is rather expensive , i remarked , dubiously . exactly so . said mrs . micawber , preserving the same logical air . quite true , my dear mr . copperfield . i have made the identical observation to mr . micawber . it is for that reason especially , that i think mr . micawber ought as i have already said , in justice to himself , in justice to his family , and in justice to society to raise a certain sum of money  a bill . mr . micawber , leaning back in his chair , trifled with his eye glass and cast his eyes up at the ceiling but i thought him observant of traddles , too , who was looking at the fire . if no member of my family , said mrs . micawber , is possessed of sufficient natural feeling to negotiate that bill  believe there is a better business term to express what i mean  mr . micawber , with his eyes still cast up at the ceiling , suggested discount . to discount that bill , said mrs . micawber , then my opinion is , that mr . micawber should go into the city , should take that bill into the money market , and should dispose of it for what he can get . if the individuals in the money market oblige mr . micawber to sustain a great sacrifice , that is between themselves and their consciences . i view it , steadily , as an investment . i recommend mr . micawber , my dear mr . copperfield , to do the same to regard it as an investment which is sure of return , and to make up his mind to any sacrifice . i felt , but i am sure i dont know why , that this was self denying and devoted in mrs . micawber , and i uttered a murmur to that effect . traddles , who took his tone from me , did likewise , still looking at the fire . i will not , said mrs . micawber , finishing her punch , and gathering her scarf about her shoulders , preparatory to her withdrawal to my bedroom i will not protract these remarks on the subject of mr . micawbers pecuniary affairs . at your fireside , my dear mr . copperfield , and in the presence of mr . traddles , who , though not so old a friend , is quite one of ourselves , i could not refrain from making you acquainted with the course i advise mr . micawber to take . i feel that the time is arrived when mr . micawber should exert himself and  will add  himself , and it appears to me that these are the means . i am aware that i am merely a female , and that a masculine judgement is usually considered more competent to the discussion of such questions still i must not forget that , when i lived at home with my papa and mama , my papa was in the habit of saying , emmas form is fragile , but her grasp of a subject is inferior to none . that my papa was too partial , i well know but that he was an observer of character in some degree , my duty and my reason equally forbid me to doubt . with these words , and resisting our entreaties that she would grace the remaining circulation of the punch with her presence , mrs . micawber retired to my bedroom . and really i felt that she was a noble woman  sort of woman who might have been a roman matron , and done all manner of heroic things , in times of public trouble . in the fervour of this impression , i congratulated mr . micawber on the treasure he possessed . so did traddles . mr . micawber extended his hand to each of us in succession , and then covered his face with his pocket handkerchief, , which i think had more snuff upon it than he was aware of . he then returned to the punch , in the highest state of exhilaration . he was full of eloquence . he gave us to understand that in our children we lived again , and that , under the pressure of pecuniary difficulties , any accession to their number was doubly welcome . he said that mrs . micawber had latterly had her doubts on this point , but that he had dispelled them , and reassured her . as to her family , they were totally unworthy of her , and their sentiments were utterly indifferent to him , and they might  quote his own expression  to the devil . mr . micawber then delivered a warm eulogy on traddles . he said traddless was a character , to the steady virtues of which he mr . micawber could lay no claim , but which , he thanked heaven , he could admire . he feelingly alluded to the young lady , unknown , whom traddles had honoured with his affection , and who had reciprocated that affection by honouring and blessing traddles with her affection . mr . micawber pledged her . so did i . traddles thanked us both , by saying , with a simplicity and honesty i had sense enough to be quite charmed with , i am very much obliged to you indeed . and i do assure you , shes the dearest girl . mr . micawber took an early opportunity , after that , of hinting , with the utmost delicacy and ceremony , at the state of my affections . nothing but the serious assurance of his friend copperfield to the contrary , he observed , could deprive him of the impression that his friend copperfield loved and was beloved . after feeling very hot and uncomfortable for some time , and after a good deal of blushing , stammering , and denying , i said , having my glass in my hand , well . i would give them d .  . which so excited and gratified mr . micawber , that he ran with a glass of punch into my bedroom , in order that mrs . micawber might drink d . who drank it with enthusiasm , crying from within , in a shrill voice , hear , . my dear mr . copperfield , i am delighted . hear . and tapping at the wall , by way of applause . our conversation , afterwards , took a more worldly turn mr . micawber telling us that he found camden town inconvenient , and that the first thing he contemplated doing , when the advertisement should have been the cause of something satisfactory turning up , was to move . he mentioned a terrace at the western end of oxford street , fronting hyde park , on which he had always had his eye , but which he did not expect to attain immediately , as it would require a large establishment . there would probably be an interval , he explained , in which he should content himself with the upper part of a house , over some respectable place of business  in piccadilly  , would be a cheerful situation for mrs . micawber and where , by throwing out a bow window, , or carrying up the roof another story , or making some little alteration of that sort , they might live , comfortably and reputably , for a few years . whatever was reserved for him , he expressly said , or wherever his abode might be , we might rely on this  would always be a room for traddles , and a knife and fork for me . we acknowledged his kindness and he begged us to forgive his having launched into these practical and business like details , and to excuse it as natural in one who was making entirely new arrangements in life . mrs . micawber , tapping at the wall again to know if tea were ready , broke up this particular phase of our friendly conversation . she made tea for us in a most agreeable manner and , whenever i went near her , in handing about the tea cups and bread and , asked me , in a whisper , whether d . was fair , or dark , or whether she was short , or tall or something of that kind which i think i liked . after tea , we discussed a variety of topics before the fire and mrs . micawber was good enough to sing us in a small , thin , flat voice , which i remembered to have considered , when i first knew her , the very table beer of acoustics the favourite ballads of the dashing white sergeant , and little tafflin . for both of these songs mrs . micawber had been famous when she lived at home with her papa and mama . mr . micawber told us , that when he heard her sing the first one , on the first occasion of his seeing her beneath the parental roof , she had attracted his attention in an extraordinary degree but that when it came to little tafflin , he had resolved to win that woman or perish in the attempt . it was between ten and eleven oclock when mrs . micawber rose to replace her cap in the whitey brown paper parcel , and to put on her bonnet . mr . micawber took the opportunity of traddles putting on his great coat, , to slip a letter into my hand , with a whispered request that i would read it at my leisure . i also took the opportunity of my holding a candle over the banisters to light them down , when mr . micawber was going first , leading mrs . micawber , and traddles was following with the cap , to detain traddles for a moment on the top of the stairs . traddles , said i , mr . micawber dont mean any harm , poor fellow but , if i were you , i wouldnt lend him anything . my dear copperfield , returned traddles , smiling , i havent got anything to lend . you have got a name , you know , said i . oh . you call that something to lend . returned traddles , with a thoughtful look . certainly . oh . said traddles . yes , to be sure . i am very much obliged to you , copperfield but  am afraid i have lent him that already . for the bill that is to be a certain investment . i inquired . no , said traddles . not for that one . this is the first i have heard of that one . i have been thinking that he will most likely propose that one , on the way home . mines another . i hope there will be nothing wrong about it , said i . i hope not , said traddles . i should think not , though , because he told me , only the other day , that it was provided for . that was mr . micawbers expression , provided for . mr . micawber looking up at this juncture to where we were standing , i had only time to repeat my caution . traddles thanked me , and descended . but i was much afraid , when i observed the good natured manner in which he went down with the cap in his hand , and gave mrs . micawber his arm , that he would be carried into the money market neck and heels . i returned to my fireside , and was musing , half gravely and half laughing , on the character of mr . micawber and the old relations between us , when i heard a quick step ascending the stairs . at first , i thought it was traddles coming back for something mrs . micawber had left behind but as the step approached , i knew it , and felt my heart beat high , and the blood rush to my face , for it was steerforths . i was never unmindful of agnes , and she never left that sanctuary in my thoughts  i may call it so  i had placed her from the first . but when he entered , and stood before me with his hand out , the darkness that had fallen on him changed to light , and i felt confounded and ashamed of having doubted one i loved so heartily . i loved her none the less i thought of her as the same benignant , gentle angel in my life i reproached myself , not her , with having done him an injury and i would have made him any atonement if i had known what to make , and how to make it . why , daisy , old boy , dumb foundered . laughed steerforth , shaking my hand heartily , and throwing it gaily away . have i detected you in another feast , you sybarite . these doctors commons fellows are the gayest men in town , i believe , and beat us sober oxford people all to nothing . his bright glance went merrily round the room , as he took the seat on the sofa opposite to me , which mrs . micawber had recently vacated , and stirred the fire into a blaze . i was so surprised at first , said i , giving him welcome with all the cordiality i felt , that i had hardly breath to greet you with , steerforth . well , the sight of me is good for sore eyes , as the scotch say , replied steerforth , and so is the sight of you , daisy , in full bloom . how are you , my bacchanal . i am very well , said i and not at all bacchanalian tonight , though i confess to another party of three . all of whom i met in the street , talking loud in your praise , returned steerforth . whos our friend in the tights . i gave him the best idea i could , in a few words , of mr . micawber . he laughed heartily at my feeble portrait of that gentleman , and said he was a man to know , and he must know him . but who do you suppose our other friend is . said i , in my turn . heaven knows , said steerforth . not a bore , i hope . i thought he looked a little like one . traddles . i replied , triumphantly . whos he . asked steerforth , in his careless way . dont you remember traddles . traddles in our room at salem house . oh . that fellow . said steerforth , beating a lump of coal on the top of the fire , with the poker . is he as soft as ever . and where the deuce did you pick him up . i extolled traddles in reply , as highly as i could for i felt that steerforth rather slighted him . steerforth , dismissing the subject with a light nod , and a smile , and the remark that he would be glad to see the old fellow too , for he had always been an odd fish , inquired if i could give him anything to eat . during most of this short dialogue , when he had not been speaking in a wild vivacious manner , he had sat idly beating on the lump of coal with the poker . i observed that he did the same thing while i was getting out the remains of the pigeon pie, , and so forth . why , daisy , heres a supper for a king . he exclaimed , starting out of his silence with a burst , and taking his seat at the table . i shall do it justice , for i have come from yarmouth . i thought you came from oxford . i returned . not i , said steerforth . i have been seafaring  employed . littimer was here today , to inquire for you , i remarked , and i understood him that you were at oxford though , now i think of it , he certainly did not say so . littimer is a greater fool than i thought him , to have been inquiring for me at all , said steerforth , jovially pouring out a glass of wine , and drinking to me . as to understanding him , you are a cleverer fellow than most of us , daisy , if you can do that . thats true , indeed , said i , moving my chair to the table . so you have been at yarmouth , steerforth . interested to know all about it . have you been there long . no , he returned . an escapade of a week or so . and how are they all . of course , little emily is not married yet . not yet . going to be , i believe  so many weeks , or months , or something or other . i have not seen much of em . by the by he laid down his knife and fork , which he had been using with great diligence , and began feeling in his pockets i have a letter for you . from whom . why , from your old nurse , he returned , taking some papers out of his breast pocket . j . steerforth , esquire , debtor , to the willing mind thats not it . patience , and well find it presently . old whats his in a bad way , and its about that , i believe . barkis , do you mean . yes . still feeling in his pockets , and looking over their contents its all over with poor barkis , i am afraid . i saw a little apothecary there  , or whatever he is  brought your worship into the world . he was mighty learned about the case , to me but the upshot of his opinion was , that the carrier was making his last journey rather fast . your hand into the breast pocket of my great coat on the chair yonder , and i think youll find the letter . is it there . here it is . said i . thats right . it was from peggotty something less legible than usual , and brief . it informed me of her husbands hopeless state , and hinted at his being a little nearer than heretofore , and consequently more difficult to manage for his own comfort . it said nothing of her weariness and watching , and praised him highly . it was written with a plain , unaffected , homely piety that i knew to be genuine , and ended with my duty to my ever darling  myself . while i deciphered it , steerforth continued to eat and drink . its a bad job , he said , when i had done but the sun sets every day , and people die every minute , and we mustnt be scared by the common lot . if we failed to hold our own , because that equal foot at all mens doors was heard knocking somewhere , every object in this world would slip from us . no . ride on . rough shod if need be , smooth shod if that will do , but ride on . ride on over all obstacles , and win the race . and win what race . said i . the race that one has started in , said he . ride on . i noticed , i remember , as he paused , looking at me with his handsome head a little thrown back , and his glass raised in his hand , that , though the freshness of the sea wind was on his face , and it was ruddy , there were traces in it , made since i last saw it , as if he had applied himself to some habitual strain of the fervent energy which , when roused , was so passionately roused within him . i had it in my thoughts to remonstrate with him upon his desperate way of pursuing any fancy that he took  as this buffeting of rough seas , and braving of hard weather , for example  my mind glanced off to the immediate subject of our conversation again , and pursued that instead . i tell you what , steerforth , said i , if your high spirits will listen to me  they are potent spirits , and will do whatever you like , he answered , moving from the table to the fireside again . then i tell you what , steerforth . i think i will go down and see my old nurse . it is not that i can do her any good , or render her any real service but she is so attached to me that my visit will have as much effect on her , as if i could do both . she will take it so kindly that it will be a comfort and support to her . it is no great effort to make , i am sure , for such a friend as she has been to me . wouldnt you go a days journey , if you were in my place . his face was thoughtful , and he sat considering a little before he answered , in a low voice , well . go . you can do no harm . you have just come back , said i , and it would be in vain to ask you to go with me . quite , he returned . i am for highgate tonight . i have not seen my mother this long time , and it lies upon my conscience , for its something to be loved as she loves her prodigal son .  . nonsense . mean to go tomorrow , i suppose . he said , holding me out at arms length , with a hand on each of my shoulders . yes , i think so . well , then , dont go till next day . i wanted you to come and stay a few days with us . here i am , on purpose to bid you , and you fly off to yarmouth . you are a nice fellow to talk of flying off , steerforth , who are always running wild on some unknown expedition or other . he looked at me for a moment without speaking , and then rejoined , still holding me as before , and giving me a shake come . say the next day , and pass as much of tomorrow as you can with us . who knows when we may meet again , else . come . say the next day . i want you to stand between rosa dartle and me , and keep us asunder . would you love each other too much , without me . yes or hate , laughed steerforth no matter which . come . say the next day . i said the next day and he put on his great coat and lighted his cigar , and set off to walk home . finding him in this intention , i put on my own great coat but did not light my own cigar , having had enough of that for one while and walked with him as far as the open road a dull road , then , at night . he was in great spirits all the way and when we parted , and i looked after him going so gallantly and airily homeward , i thought of his saying , ride on over all obstacles , and win the race . and wished , for the first time , that he had some worthy race to run . i was undressing in my own room , when mr . micawbers letter tumbled on the floor . thus reminded of it , i broke the seal and read as follows . it was dated an hour and a half before dinner . i am not sure whether i have mentioned that , when mr . micawber was at any particularly desperate crisis , he used a sort of legal phraseology , which he seemed to think equivalent to winding up his affairs . sir  i dare not say my dear copperfield , it is expedient that i should inform you that the undersigned is crushed . some flickering efforts to spare you the premature knowledge of his calamitous position , you may observe in him this day but hope has sunk beneath the horizon , and the undersigned is crushed . the present communication is penned within the personal range i cannot call it the society of an individual , in a state closely bordering on intoxication , employed by a broker . that individual is in legal possession of the premises , under a distress for rent . his inventory includes , not only the chattels and effects of every description belonging to the undersigned , as yearly tenant of this habitation , but also those appertaining to mr . thomas traddles , lodger , a member of the honourable society of the inner temple . if any drop of gloom were wanting in the overflowing cup , which is now commended to the lips of the undersigned , it would be found in the fact , that a friendly acceptance granted to the undersigned , by the before mentioned mr . thomas traddles , for the sum of l s d is over due , and is not provided for . also , in the fact that the living responsibilities clinging to the undersigned will , in the course of nature , be increased by the sum of one more helpless victim whose miserable appearance may be looked for  round numbers  the expiration of a period not exceeding six lunar months from the present date . after premising thus much , it would be a work of supererogation to add , that dust and ashes are for ever scattered on the head of wilkins micawber . poor traddles . i knew enough of mr . micawber by this time , to foresee that he might be expected to recover the blow but my nights rest was sorely distressed by thoughts of traddles , and of the curates daughter , who was one of ten , down in devonshire , and who was such a dear girl , and who would wait for traddles until she was sixty , or any age that could be mentioned . chapter . i visit steerforth at his home , again i mentioned to mr . spenlow in the morning , that i wanted leave of absence for a short time and as i was not in the receipt of any salary , and consequently was not obnoxious to the implacable jorkins , there was no difficulty about it . i took that opportunity , with my voice sticking in my throat , and my sight failing as i uttered the words , to express my hope that miss spenlow was quite well to which mr . spenlow replied , with no more emotion than if he had been speaking of an ordinary human being , that he was much obliged to me , and she was very well . we articled clerks , as germs of the patrician order of proctors , were treated with so much consideration , that i was almost my own master at all times . as i did not care , however , to get to highgate before one or two oclock in the day , and as we had another little excommunication case in court that morning , which was called the office of the judge promoted by tipkins against bullock for his souls correction , i passed an hour or two in attendance on it with mr . spenlow very agreeably . it arose out of a scuffle between two churchwardens , one of whom was alleged to have pushed the other against a pump the handle of which pump projecting into a school house, , which school house was under a gable of the church roof, , made the push an ecclesiastical offence . it was an amusing case and sent me up to highgate , on the box of the stage coach, , thinking about the commons , and what mr . spenlow had said about touching the commons and bringing down the country . mrs . steerforth was pleased to see me , and so was rosa dartle . i was agreeably surprised to find that littimer was not there , and that we were attended by a modest little parlour maid, , with blue ribbons in her cap , whose eye it was much more pleasant , and much less disconcerting , to catch by accident , than the eye of that respectable man . but what i particularly observed , before i had been half an in the house , was the close and attentive watch miss dartle kept upon me and the lurking manner in which she seemed to compare my face with steerforths , and steerforths with mine , and to lie in wait for something to come out between the two . so surely as i looked towards her , did i see that eager visage , with its gaunt black eyes and searching brow , intent on mine or passing suddenly from mine to steerforths or comprehending both of us at once . in this lynx like scrutiny she was so far from faltering when she saw i observed it , that at such a time she only fixed her piercing look upon me with a more intent expression still . blameless as i was , and knew that i was , in reference to any wrong she could possibly suspect me of , i shrunk before her strange eyes , quite unable to endure their hungry lustre . all day , she seemed to pervade the whole house . if i talked to steerforth in his room , i heard her dress rustle in the little gallery outside . when he and i engaged in some of our old exercises on the lawn behind the house , i saw her face pass from window to window , like a wandering light , until it fixed itself in one , and watched us . when we all four went out walking in the afternoon , she closed her thin hand on my arm like a spring , to keep me back , while steerforth and his mother went on out of hearing and then spoke to me . you have been a long time , she said , without coming here . is your profession really so engaging and interesting as to absorb your whole attention . i ask because i always want to be informed , when i am ignorant . is it really , though . i replied that i liked it well enough , but that i certainly could not claim so much for it . oh . i am glad to know that , because i always like to be put right when i am wrong , said rosa dartle . you mean it is a little dry , perhaps . well , i replied perhaps it was a little dry . oh . and thats a reason why you want relief and change  and all that . said she . ah . very true . but isnt it a little  . him i dont mean you . a quick glance of her eye towards the spot where steerforth was walking , with his mother leaning on his arm , showed me whom she meant but beyond that , i was quite lost . and i looked so , i have no doubt . dont it  dont say that it does , mind i want to know  it rather engross him . dont it make him , perhaps , a little more remiss than usual in his visits to his blindly doting . with another quick glance at them , and such a glance at me as seemed to look into my innermost thoughts . miss dartle , i returned , pray do not think  i dont . she said . oh dear me , dont suppose that i think anything . i am not suspicious . i only ask a question . i dont state any opinion . i want to found an opinion on what you tell me . then , its not so . well . i am very glad to know it . it certainly is not the fact , said i , perplexed , that i am accountable for steerforths having been away from home longer than usual  he has been which i really dont know at this moment , unless i understand it from you . i have not seen him this long while , until last night . no . indeed , miss dartle , no . as she looked full at me , i saw her face grow sharper and paler , and the marks of the old wound lengthen out until it cut through the disfigured lip , and deep into the nether lip , and slanted down the face . there was something positively awful to me in this , and in the brightness of her eyes , as she said , looking fixedly at me what is he doing . i repeated the words , more to myself than her , being so amazed . what is he doing . she said , with an eagerness that seemed enough to consume her like a fire . in what is that man assisting him , who never looks at me without an inscrutable falsehood in his eyes . if you are honourable and faithful , i dont ask you to betray your friend . i ask you only to tell me , is it anger , is it hatred , is it pride , is it restlessness , is it some wild fancy , is it love , what is it , that is leading him . miss dartle , i returned , how shall i tell you , so that you will believe me , that i know of nothing in steerforth different from what there was when i first came here . i can think of nothing . i firmly believe there is nothing . i hardly understand even what you mean . as she still stood looking fixedly at me , a twitching or throbbing , from which i could not dissociate the idea of pain , came into that cruel mark and lifted up the corner of her lip as if with scorn , or with a pity that despised its object . she put her hand upon it hurriedly  hand so thin and delicate , that when i had seen her hold it up before the fire to shade her face , i had compared it in my thoughts to fine porcelain  saying , in a quick , fierce , passionate way , i swear you to secrecy about this . said not a word more . mrs . steerforth was particularly happy in her sons society , and steerforth was , on this occasion , particularly attentive and respectful to her . it was very interesting to me to see them together , not only on account of their mutual affection , but because of the strong personal resemblance between them , and the manner in which what was haughty or impetuous in him was softened by age and sex , in her , to a gracious dignity . i thought , more than once , that it was well no serious cause of division had ever come between them or two such natures  ought rather to express it , two such shades of the same nature  have been harder to reconcile than the two extremest opposites in creation . the idea did not originate in my own discernment , i am bound to confess , but in a speech of rosa dartles . she said at dinner oh , but do tell me , though , somebody , because i have been thinking about it all day , and i want to know . you want to know what , rosa . returned mrs . steerforth . pray , rosa , do not be mysterious . mysterious . she cried . oh . really . do you consider me so . do i constantly entreat you , said mrs . steerforth , to speak plainly , in your own natural manner . oh . then this is not my natural manner . she rejoined . now you must really bear with me , because i ask for information . we never know ourselves . it has become a second nature , said mrs . steerforth , without any displeasure but i remember  , so must you , i think  , your manner was different , rosa when it was not so guarded , and was more trustful . i am sure you are right , she returned and so it is that bad habits grow upon one . really . less guarded and more trustful . how can i , imperceptibly , have changed , i wonder . well , thats very odd . i must study to regain my former self . i wish you would , said mrs . steerforth , with a smile . oh . i really will , you know . she answered . i will learn frankness from  me see  james . you cannot learn frankness , rosa , said mrs . steerforth quickly  there was always some effect of sarcasm in what rosa dartle said , though it was said , as this was , in the most unconscious manner in the world  a better school . that i am sure of , she answered , with uncommon fervour . if i am sure of anything , of course , you know , i am sure of that . mrs . steerforth appeared to me to regret having been a little nettled for she presently said , in a kind tone well , my dear rosa , we have not heard what it is that you want to be satisfied about . that i want to be satisfied about . she replied , with provoking coldness . oh . it was only whether people , who are like each other in their moral constitution  that the phrase . its as good a phrase as another , said steerforth . thank you  people , who are like each other in their moral constitution , are in greater danger than people not so circumstanced , supposing any serious cause of variance to arise between them , of being divided angrily and deeply . i should say yes , said steerforth . should you . she retorted . dear me . supposing then , for instance  unlikely thing will do for a supposition  you and your mother were to have a serious quarrel . my dear rosa , interposed mrs . steerforth , laughing good naturedly, , suggest some other supposition . james and i know our duty to each other better , i pray heaven . oh . said miss dartle , nodding her head thoughtfully . to be sure . that would prevent it . why , of course it would . exactly . now , i am glad i have been so foolish as to put the case , for it is so very good to know that your duty to each other would prevent it . thank you very much . one other little circumstance connected with miss dartle i must not omit for i had reason to remember it thereafter , when all the irremediable past was rendered plain . during the whole of this day , but especially from this period of it , steerforth exerted himself with his utmost skill , and that was with his utmost ease , to charm this singular creature into a pleasant and pleased companion . that he should succeed , was no matter of surprise to me . that she should struggle against the fascinating influence of his delightful art  nature i thought it then  not surprise me either for i knew that she was sometimes jaundiced and perverse . i saw her features and her manner slowly change i saw her look at him with growing admiration i saw her try , more and more faintly , but always angrily , as if she condemned a weakness in herself , to resist the captivating power that he possessed and finally , i saw her sharp glance soften , and her smile become quite gentle , and i ceased to be afraid of her as i had really been all day , and we all sat about the fire , talking and laughing together , with as little reserve as if we had been children . whether it was because we had sat there so long , or because steerforth was resolved not to lose the advantage he had gained , i do not know but we did not remain in the dining room more than five minutes after her departure . she is playing her harp , said steerforth , softly , at the drawing room door , and nobody but my mother has heard her do that , i believe , these three years . he said it with a curious smile , which was gone directly and we went into the room and found her alone . dont get up , said steerforth my dear rosa , dont . be kind for once , and sing us an irish song . what do you care for an irish song . she returned . much . said steerforth . much more than for any other . here is daisy , too , loves music from his soul . sing us an irish song , rosa . and let me sit and listen as i used to do . he did not touch her , or the chair from which she had risen , but sat himself near the harp . she stood beside it for some little while , in a curious way , going through the motion of playing it with her right hand , but not sounding it . at length she sat down , and drew it to her with one sudden action , and played and sang . i dont know what it was , in her touch or voice , that made that song the most unearthly i have ever heard in my life , or can imagine . there was something fearful in the reality of it . it was as if it had never been written , or set to music , but sprung out of passion within her which found imperfect utterance in the low sounds of her voice , and crouched again when all was still . i was dumb when she leaned beside the harp again , playing it , but not sounding it , with her right hand . a minute more , and this had roused me from my trance  had left his seat , and gone to her , and had put his arm laughingly about her , and had said , come , rosa , for the future we will love each other very much . and she had struck him , and had thrown him off with the fury of a wild cat , and had burst out of the room . what is the matter with rosa . said mrs . steerforth , coming in . she has been an angel , mother , returned steerforth , for a little while and has run into the opposite extreme , since , by way of compensation . you should be careful not to irritate her , james . her temper has been soured , remember , and ought not to be tried . rosa did not come back and no other mention was made of her , until i went with steerforth into his room to say good night . then he laughed about her , and asked me if i had ever seen such a fierce little piece of incomprehensibility . i expressed as much of my astonishment as was then capable of expression , and asked if he could guess what it was that she had taken so much amiss , so suddenly . oh , heaven knows , said steerforth . anything you like  nothing . i told you she took everything , herself included , to a grindstone , and sharpened it . she is an edge tool, , and requires great care in dealing with . she is always dangerous . good night . good night . said i , my dear steerforth . i shall be gone before you wake in the morning . good night . he was unwilling to let me go and stood , holding me out , with a hand on each of my shoulders , as he had done in my own room . daisy , he said , with a smile  though thats not the name your godfathers and godmothers gave you , its the name i like best to call you by  i wish , i wish , i wish , you could give it to me . why so i can , if i choose , said i . daisy , if anything should ever separate us , you must think of me at my best , old boy . come . let us make that bargain . think of me at my best , if circumstances should ever part us . you have no best to me , steerforth , said i , and no worst . you are always equally loved , and cherished in my heart . so much compunction for having ever wronged him , even by a shapeless thought , did i feel within me , that the confession of having done so was rising to my lips . but for the reluctance i had to betray the confidence of agnes , but for my uncertainty how to approach the subject with no risk of doing so , it would have reached them before he said , god bless you , daisy , and good night . in my doubt , it did not reach them and we shook hands , and we parted . i was up with the dull dawn , and , having dressed as quietly as i could , looked into his room . he was fast asleep lying , easily , with his head upon his arm , as i had often seen him lie at school . the time came in its season , and that was very soon , when i almost wondered that nothing troubled his repose , as i looked at him . but he slept  me think of him so again  i had often seen him sleep at school and thus , in this silent hour , i left him . more , oh god forgive you , steerforth . to touch that passive hand in love and friendship . never , more . chapter . a loss i got down to yarmouth in the evening , and went to the inn . i knew that peggottys spare room  likely to have occupation enough in a little while , if that great visitor , before whose presence all the living must give place , were not already in the house so i betook myself to the inn , and dined there , and engaged my bed . it was ten oclock when i went out . many of the shops were shut , and the town was dull . when i came to omer and jorams , i found the shutters up , but the shop door standing open . as i could obtain a perspective view of mr . omer inside , smoking his pipe by the parlour door , i entered , and asked him how he was . why , bless my life and soul . said mr . omer , how do you find yourself . take a seat . not disagreeable , i hope . by no means , said i . i like it  somebody elses pipe . what , not in your own , eh . mr . omer returned , laughing . all the better , sir . bad habit for a young man . take a seat . i smoke , myself , for the asthma . mr . omer had made room for me , and placed a chair . he now sat down again very much out of breath , gasping at his pipe as if it contained a supply of that necessary , without which he must perish . i am sorry to have heard bad news of mr . barkis , said i . mr . omer looked at me , with a steady countenance , and shook his head . do you know how he is tonight . i asked . the very question i should have put to you , sir , returned mr . omer , but on account of delicacy . its one of the drawbacks of our line of business . when a partys ill , we cant ask how the party is . the difficulty had not occurred to me though i had my apprehensions too , when i went in , of hearing the old tune . on its being mentioned , i recognized it , however , and said as much . yes , you understand , said mr . omer , nodding his head . we dursnt do it . bless you , it would be a shock that the generality of parties mightnt recover , to say omer and jorams compliments , and how do you find yourself this morning . this afternoon  it may be . mr . omer and i nodded at each other , and mr . omer recruited his wind by the aid of his pipe . its one of the things that cut the trade off from attentions they could often wish to show , said mr . omer . take myself . if i have known barkis a year , to move to as he went by , i have known him forty years . but i cant go and say , how is he . i felt it was rather hard on mr . omer , and i told him so . im not more self interested, , i hope , than another man , said mr . omer . look at me . my wind may fail me at any moment , and it aint likely that , to my own knowledge , id be self interested under such circumstances . i say it aint likely , in a man who knows his wind will go , when it does go , as if a pair of bellows was cut open and that man a grandfather , said mr . omer . i said , not at all . it aint that i complain of my line of business , said mr . omer . it aint that . some good and some bad goes , no doubt , to all callings . what i wish is , that parties was brought up stronger minded . mr . omer , with a very complacent and amiable face , took several puffs in silence and then said , resuming his first point accordingly were obleeged , in ascertaining how barkis goes on , to limit ourselves to emly . she knows what our real objects are , and she dont have any more alarms or suspicions about us , than if we was so many lambs . minnie and joram have just stepped down to the house , in fact to ask her how he is tonight and if you was to please to wait till they come back , theyd give you full particlers . will you take something . a glass of srub and water , now . i smoke on srub and water , myself , said mr . omer , taking up his glass , because its considered softening to the passages , by which this troublesome breath of mine gets into action . but , lord bless you , said mr . omer , huskily , it aint the passages thats out of order . give me breath enough , said i to my daughter minnie , and ill find passages , my dear . he really had no breath to spare , and it was very alarming to see him laugh . when he was again in a condition to be talked to , i thanked him for the proffered refreshment , which i declined , as i had just had dinner and , observing that i would wait , since he was so good as to invite me , until his daughter and his son in came back , i inquired how little emily was . well , sir , said mr . omer , removing his pipe , that he might rub his chin i tell you truly , i shall be glad when her marriage has taken place . why so . i inquired . well , shes unsettled at present , said mr . omer . it aint that shes not as pretty as ever , for shes prettier  do assure you , she is prettier . it aint that she dont work as well as ever , for she does . she was worth any six , and she is worth any six . but somehow she wants heart . if you understand , said mr . omer , after rubbing his chin again , and smoking a little , what i mean in a general way by the expression , a long pull , and a strong pull , and a pull altogether , my hearties , hurrah . i should say to you , that was  a general way  i miss in emly . mr . omers face and manner went for so much , that i could conscientiously nod my head , as divining his meaning . my quickness of apprehension seemed to please him , and he went on now i consider this is principally on account of her being in an unsettled state , you see . we have talked it over a good deal , her uncle and myself , and her sweetheart and myself , after business and i consider it is principally on account of her being unsettled . you must always recollect of emly , said mr . omer , shaking his head gently , that shes a most extraordinary affectionate little thing . the proverb says , you cant make a silk purse out of a sows ear . well , i dont know about that . i rather think you may , if you begin early in life . she has made a home out of that old boat , sir , that stone and marble couldnt beat . i am sure she has . said i . to see the clinging of that pretty little thing to her uncle , said mr . omer to see the way she holds on to him , tighter and tighter , and closer and closer , every day , is to see a sight . now , you know , theres a struggle going on when thats the case . why should it be made a longer one than is needful . i listened attentively to the good old fellow , and acquiesced , with all my heart , in what he said . therefore , i mentioned to them , said mr . omer , in a comfortable , easy going tone , this . i said , now , dont consider emly nailed down in point of time , at all . make it your own time . her services have been more valuable than was supposed her learning has been quicker than was supposed omer and joram can run their pen through what remains and shes free when you wish . if she likes to make any little arrangement , afterwards , in the way of doing any little thing for us at home , very well . if she dont , very well still . were no losers , anyhow . for  you see , said mr . omer , touching me with his pipe , it aint likely that a man so short of breath as myself , and a grandfather too , would go and strain points with a little bit of a blue eyed blossom , like her . not at all , i am certain , said i . not at all . youre right . said mr . omer . well , sir , her cousin  know its a cousin shes going to be married to . oh yes , i replied . i know him well . of course you do , said mr . omer . well , sir . her cousin being , as it appears , in good work , and well to do , thanked me in a very manly sort of manner for this conducting himself altogether , i must say , in a way that gives me a high opinion of him , and went and took as comfortable a little house as you or i could wish to clap eyes on . that little house is now furnished right through , as neat and complete as a dolls parlour and but for barkiss illness having taken this bad turn , poor fellow , they would have been man and wife  dare say , by this time . as it is , theres a postponement . and emily , mr . omer . i inquired . has she become more settled . why that , you know , he returned , rubbing his double chin again , cant naturally be expected . the prospect of the change and separation , and all that , is , as one may say , close to her and far away from her , both at once . barkiss death neednt put it off much , but his lingering might . anyway , its an uncertain state of matters , you see . i see , said i . consequently , pursued mr . omer , emlys still a little down , and a little fluttered perhaps , upon the whole , shes more so than she was . every day she seems to get fonder and fonder of her uncle , and more loth to part from all of us . a kind word from me brings the tears into her eyes and if you was to see her with my daughter minnies little girl , youd never forget it . bless my heart alive . said mr . omer , pondering , how she loves that child . having so favourable an opportunity , it occurred to me to ask mr . omer , before our conversation should be interrupted by the return of his daughter and her husband , whether he knew anything of martha . ah . he rejoined , shaking his head , and looking very much dejected . no good . a sad story , sir , however you come to know it . i never thought there was harm in the girl . i wouldnt wish to mention it before my daughter minnie  shed take me up directly  i never did . none of us ever did . mr . omer , hearing his daughters footstep before i heard it , touched me with his pipe , and shut up one eye , as a caution . she and her husband came in immediately afterwards . their report was , that mr . barkis was as bad as bad could be that he was quite unconscious and that mr . chillip had mournfully said in the kitchen , on going away just now , that the college of physicians , the college of surgeons , and apothecaries hall , if they were all called in together , couldnt help him . he was past both colleges , mr . chillip said , and the hall could only poison him . hearing this , and learning that mr . peggotty was there , i determined to go to the house at once . i bade good night to mr . omer , and to mr . and mrs . joram and directed my steps thither , with a solemn feeling , which made mr . barkis quite a new and different creature . my low tap at the door was answered by mr . peggotty . he was not so much surprised to see me as i had expected . i remarked this in peggotty , too , when she came down and i have seen it since and i think , in the expectation of that dread surprise , all other changes and surprises dwindle into nothing . i shook hands with mr . peggotty , and passed into the kitchen , while he softly closed the door . little emily was sitting by the fire , with her hands before her face . ham was standing near her . we spoke in whispers listening , between whiles , for any sound in the room above . i had not thought of it on the occasion of my last visit , but how strange it was to me , now , to miss mr . barkis out of the kitchen . this is very kind of you , masr davy , said mr . peggotty . its oncommon kind , said ham . emly , my dear , cried mr . peggotty . see here . heres masr davy come . what , cheer up , pretty . not a wured to masr davy . there was a trembling upon her , that i can see now . the coldness of her hand when i touched it , i can feel yet . its only sign of animation was to shrink from mine and then she glided from the chair , and creeping to the other side of her uncle , bowed herself , silently and trembling still , upon his breast . its such a loving art , said mr . peggotty , smoothing her rich hair with his great hard hand , that it cant abear the sorrer of this . its natral in young folk , masr davy , when theyre new to these here trials , and timid , like my little bird  , natral . she clung the closer to him , but neither lifted up her face , nor spoke a word . its getting late , my dear , said mr . peggotty , and heres ham come fur to take you home . theer . go along with tother loving art . what emly . eh , my pretty . the sound of her voice had not reached me , but he bent his head as if he listened to her , and then said let you stay with your uncle . why , you doent mean to ask me that . stay with your uncle , moppet . when your husband thatll be so soon , is here fur to take you home . now a person wouldnt think it , fur to see this little thing alongside a rough weather chap like me , said mr . peggotty , looking round at both of us , with infinite pride but the sea aint more salt in it than she has fondness in her for her uncle  foolish little emly . emlys in the right in that , masr davy . said ham . lookee here . as emly wishes of it , and as shes hurried and frightened , like , besides , ill leave her till morning . let me stay too . no , said mr . peggotty . you doent ought  married man like you  whats as good  take and hull away a days work . and you doent ought to watch and work both . that wont do . you go home and turn in . you aint afeerd of emly not being took good care on , i know . ham yielded to this persuasion , and took his hat to go . even when he kissed her  i never saw him approach her , but i felt that nature had given him the soul of a gentleman  seemed to cling closer to her uncle , even to the avoidance of her chosen husband . i shut the door after him , that it might cause no disturbance of the quiet that prevailed and when i turned back , i found mr . peggotty still talking to her . now , im a going upstairs to tell your aunt as masr davys here , and thatll cheer her up a bit , he said . sit ye down by the fire , the while , my dear , and warm those mortal cold hands . you doent need to be so fearsome , and take on so much . what . youll go along with me .  . come along with me  . if her uncle was turned out of house and home , and forced to lay down in a dyke , masr davy , said mr . peggotty , with no less pride than before , its my belief shed go along with him , now . but therell be someone else , soon  , else , soon , emly . afterwards , when i went upstairs , as i passed the door of my little chamber , which was dark , i had an indistinct impression of her being within it , cast down upon the floor . but , whether it was really she , or whether it was a confusion of the shadows in the room , i dont know now . i had leisure to think , before the kitchen fire , of pretty little emilys dread of death  , added to what mr . omer had told me , i took to be the cause of her being so unlike herself  i had leisure , before peggotty came down , even to think more leniently of the weakness of it as i sat counting the ticking of the clock , and deepening my sense of the solemn hush around me . peggotty took me in her arms , and blessed and thanked me over and over again for being such a comfort to her in her distress . she then entreated me to come upstairs , sobbing that mr . barkis had always liked me and admired me that he had often talked of me , before he fell into a stupor and that she believed , in case of his coming to himself again , he would brighten up at sight of me , if he could brighten up at any earthly thing . the probability of his ever doing so , appeared to me , when i saw him , to be very small . he was lying with his head and shoulders out of bed , in an uncomfortable attitude , half resting on the box which had cost him so much pain and trouble . i learned , that , when he was past creeping out of bed to open it , and past assuring himself of its safety by means of the divining rod i had seen him use , he had required to have it placed on the chair at the bed side, , where he had ever since embraced it , night and day . his arm lay on it now . time and the world were slipping from beneath him , but the box was there and the last words he had uttered were old clothes . barkis , my dear . said peggotty , almost cheerfully bending over him , while her brother and i stood at the beds foot . heres my dear boy  dear boy , master davy , who brought us together , barkis . that you sent messages by , you know . wont you speak to master davy . he was as mute and senseless as the box , from which his form derived the only expression it had . hes a going out with the tide , said mr . peggotty to me , behind his hand . my eyes were dim and so were mr . peggottys but i repeated in a whisper , with the tide . people cant die , along the coast , said mr . peggotty , except when the tides pretty nigh out . they cant be born , unless its pretty nigh in  properly born , till flood . hes a going out with the tide . its ebb at half arter three , slack water half an hour . if he lives till it turns , hell hold his own till past the flood , and go out with the next tide . we remained there , watching him , a long time  . what mysterious influence my presence had upon him in that state of his senses , i shall not pretend to say but when he at last began to wander feebly , it is certain he was muttering about driving me to school . hes coming to himself , said peggotty . mr . peggotty touched me , and whispered with much awe and reverence . they are both a going out fast . barkis , my dear . said peggotty . c . p . barkis , he cried faintly . no better woman anywhere . look . heres master davy . said peggotty . for he now opened his eyes . i was on the point of asking him if he knew me , when he tried to stretch out his arm , and said to me , distinctly , with a pleasant smile barkis is willin . and , it being low water , he went out with the tide . chapter . a greater loss it was not difficult for me , on peggottys solicitation , to resolve to stay where i was , until after the remains of the poor carrier should have made their last journey to blunderstone . she had long ago bought , out of her own savings , a little piece of ground in our old churchyard near the grave of her sweet girl , as she always called my mother and there they were to rest . in keeping peggotty company , and doing all i could for her little enough at the utmost , i was as grateful , i rejoice to think , as even now i could wish myself to have been . but i am afraid i had a supreme satisfaction , of a personal and professional nature , in taking charge of mr . barkiss will , and expounding its contents . i may claim the merit of having originated the suggestion that the will should be looked for in the box . after some search , it was found in the box , at the bottom of a horses nose bag wherein there was discovered an old gold watch , with chain and seals , which mr . barkis had worn on his wedding day, , and which had never been seen before or since a silver tobacco stopper, , in the form of a leg an imitation lemon , full of minute cups and saucers , which i have some idea mr . barkis must have purchased to present to me when i was a child , and afterwards found himself unable to part with eighty seven guineas and a half , in guineas and half guineas two hundred and ten pounds , in perfectly clean bank notes certain receipts for bank of england stock an old horseshoe , a bad shilling , a piece of camphor , and an oyster shell . from the circumstance of the latter article having been much polished , and displaying prismatic colours on the inside , i conclude that mr . barkis had some general ideas about pearls , which never resolved themselves into anything definite . for years and years , mr . barkis had carried this box , on all his journeys , every day . that it might the better escape notice , he had invented a fiction that it belonged to mr . blackboy , and was to be left with barkis till called for a fable he had elaborately written on the lid , in characters now scarcely legible . he had hoarded , all these years , i found , to good purpose . his property in money amounted to nearly three thousand pounds . of this he bequeathed the interest of one thousand to mr . peggotty for his life on his decease , the principal to be equally divided between peggotty , little emily , and me , or the survivor or survivors of us , share and share alike . all the rest he died possessed of , he bequeathed to peggotty whom he left residuary legatee , and sole executrix of that his last will and testament . i felt myself quite a proctor when i read this document aloud with all possible ceremony , and set forth its provisions , any number of times , to those whom they concerned . i began to think there was more in the commons than i had supposed . i examined the will with the deepest attention , pronounced it perfectly formal in all respects , made a pencil mark or so in the margin , and thought it rather extraordinary that i knew so much . in this abstruse pursuit in making an account for peggotty , of all the property into which she had come in arranging all the affairs in an orderly manner and in being her referee and adviser on every point , to our joint delight i passed the week before the funeral . i did not see little emily in that interval , but they told me she was to be quietly married in a fortnight . i did not attend the funeral in character , if i may venture to say so . i mean i was not dressed up in a black coat and a streamer , to frighten the birds but i walked over to blunderstone early in the morning , and was in the churchyard when it came , attended only by peggotty and her brother . the mad gentleman looked on , out of my little window mr . chillips baby wagged its heavy head , and rolled its goggle eyes , at the clergyman , over its nurses shoulder mr . omer breathed short in the background no one else was there and it was very quiet . we walked about the churchyard for an hour , after all was over and pulled some young leaves from the tree above my mothers grave . a dread falls on me here . a cloud is lowering on the distant town , towards which i retraced my solitary steps . i fear to approach it . i cannot bear to think of what did come , upon that memorable night of what must come again , if i go on . it is no worse , because i write of it . it would be no better , if i stopped my most unwilling hand . it is done . nothing can undo it nothing can make it otherwise than as it was . my old nurse was to go to london with me next day , on the business of the will . little emily was passing that day at mr . omers . we were all to meet in the old boathouse that night . ham would bring emily at the usual hour . i would walk back at my leisure . the brother and sister would return as they had come , and be expecting us , when the day closed in , at the fireside . i parted from them at the wicket gate, , where visionary strap had rested with roderick randoms knapsack in the days of yore and , instead of going straight back , walked a little distance on the road to lowestoft . then i turned , and walked back towards yarmouth . i stayed to dine at a decent alehouse , some mile or two from the ferry i have mentioned before and thus the day wore away , and it was evening when i reached it . rain was falling heavily by that time , and it was a wild night but there was a moon behind the clouds , and it was not dark . i was soon within sight of mr . peggottys house , and of the light within it shining through the window . a little floundering across the sand , which was heavy , brought me to the door , and i went in . it looked very comfortable indeed . mr . peggotty had smoked his evening pipe and there were preparations for some supper by and by . the fire was bright , the ashes were thrown up , the locker was ready for little emily in her old place . in her own old place sat peggotty , once more , looking as if she had never left it . she had fallen back , already , on the society of the work box with st . pauls upon the lid , the yard measure in the cottage , and the bit of wax candle and there they all were , just as if they had never been disturbed . mrs . gummidge appeared to be fretting a little , in her old corner and consequently looked quite natural , too . youre first of the lot , masr davy . said mr . peggotty with a happy face . doent keep in that coat , sir , if its wet . thank you , mr . peggotty , said i , giving him my outer coat to hang up . its quite dry . so tis . said mr . peggotty , feeling my shoulders . as a chip . sit ye down , sir . it aint o no use saying welcome to you , but youre welcome , kind and hearty . thank you , mr . peggotty , i am sure of that . well , peggotty . said i , giving her a kiss . and how are you , old woman . ha , . laughed mr . peggotty , sitting down beside us , and rubbing his hands in his sense of relief from recent trouble , and in the genuine heartiness of his nature theres not a woman in the wureld , sir  i tell her  need to feel more easy in her mind than her . she done her dooty by the departed , and the departed knowd it and the departed done what was right by her , as she done what was right by the departed  its all right . mrs . gummidge groaned . cheer up , my pritty mawther . said mr . peggotty . but he shook his head aside at us , evidently sensible of the tendency of the late occurrences to recall the memory of the old one . doent be down . cheer up , for your own self , ony a little bit , and see if a good deal more doent come natral . not to me , danl , returned mrs . gummidge . nothinks natral to me but to be lone and lorn . no , said mr . peggotty , soothing her sorrows . yes , danl . said mrs . gummidge . i aint a person to live with them as has had money left . things go too contrary with me . i had better be a riddance . why , how should i ever spend it without you . said mr . peggotty , with an air of serious remonstrance . what are you a talking on . doent i want you more now , than ever i did . i knowd i was never wanted before . cried mrs . gummidge , with a pitiable whimper , and now im told so . how could i expect to be wanted , being so lone and lorn , and so contrary . mr . peggotty seemed very much shocked at himself for having made a speech capable of this unfeeling construction , but was prevented from replying , by peggottys pulling his sleeve , and shaking her head . after looking at mrs . gummidge for some moments , in sore distress of mind , he glanced at the dutch clock , rose , snuffed the candle , and put it in the window . theer . said mr . peggotty , cheerily . theer we are , missis gummidge . mrs . gummidge slightly groaned . lighted up , accordin to custom . youre a wonderin what thats fur , sir . well , its fur our little emly . you see , the path aint over light or cheerful arter dark and when im here at the hour as shes a comin home , i puts the light in the winder . that , you see , said mr . peggotty , bending over me with great glee , meets two objects . she says , emly , theers home . she says . and likewise , says emly , my uncles theer . fur if i aint theer , i never have no light showed . youre a baby . said peggotty very fond of him for it , if she thought so . well , returned mr . peggotty , standing with his legs pretty wide apart , and rubbing his hands up and down them in his comfortable satisfaction , as he looked alternately at us and at the fire . i doent know but i am . not , you see , to look at . not azackly , observed peggotty . no , laughed mr . peggotty , not to look at , but to  consider on , you know . i doent care , bless you . now i tell you . when i go a looking and looking about that theer pritty house of our emlys , im  gormed , said mr . peggotty , with sudden emphasis  . i cant say more  i doent feel as if the littlest things was her , amost . i takes em up and i put em down , and i touches of em as delicate as if they was our emly . so tis with her little bonnets and that . i couldnt see one on em rough used a purpose  fur the whole wureld . theres a babby fur you , in the form of a great sea porkypine . said mr . peggotty , relieving his earnestness with a roar of laughter . peggotty and i both laughed , but not so loud . its my opinion , you see , said mr . peggotty , with a delighted face , after some further rubbing of his legs , as this is along of my havin played with her so much , and made believe as we was turks , and french , and sharks , and every wariety of forinners  you , yes and lions and whales , and i doent know what all . she warnt no higher than my knee . ive got into the way on it , you know . why , this here candle , now . said mr . peggotty , gleefully holding out his hand towards it , i know wery well that arter shes married and gone , i shall put that candle theer , just the same as now . i know wery well that when im here o nights and where else should i live , bless your arts , whatever fortun i come into . and she aint here or i aint theer , i shall put the candle in the winder , and sit afore the fire , pretending im expecting of her , like im a doing now . theres a babby for you , said mr . peggotty , with another roar , in the form of a sea porkypine . why , at the present minute , when i see the candle sparkle up , i says to myself , shes a looking at it . emlys a coming . theres a babby for you , in the form of a sea porkypine . right for all that , said mr . peggotty , stopping in his roar , and smiting his hands together fur here she is . it was only ham . the night should have turned more wet since i came in , for he had a large souwester hat on , slouched over his face . wheers emly . said mr . peggotty . ham made a motion with his head , as if she were outside . mr . peggotty took the light from the window , trimmed it , put it on the table , and was busily stirring the fire , when ham , who had not moved , said masr davy , will you come out a minute , and see what emly and me has got to show you . we went out . as i passed him at the door , i saw , to my astonishment and fright , that he was deadly pale . he pushed me hastily into the open air , and closed the door upon us . only upon us two . ham . whats the matter . masr davy . oh , for his broken heart , how dreadfully he wept . i was paralysed by the sight of such grief . i dont know what i thought , or what i dreaded . i could only look at him . ham . poor good fellow . for heavens sake , tell me whats the matter . my love , masr davy  pride and hope of my art  that id have died for , and would die for now  gone . gone . emlys run away . oh , masr davy , think how shes run away , when i pray my good and gracious god to kill her that is so dear above all things sooner than let her come to ruin and disgrace . the face he turned up to the troubled sky , the quivering of his clasped hands , the agony of his figure , remain associated with the lonely waste , in my remembrance , to this hour . it is always night there , and he is the only object in the scene . youre a scholar , he said , hurriedly , and know whats right and best . what am i to say , indoors . how am i ever to break it to him , masr davy . i saw the door move , and instinctively tried to hold the latch on the outside , to gain a moments time . it was too late . mr . peggotty thrust forth his face and never could i forget the change that came upon it when he saw us , if i were to live five hundred years . i remember a great wail and cry , and the women hanging about him , and we all standing in the room i with a paper in my hand , which ham had given me mr . peggotty , with his vest torn open , his hair wild , his face and lips quite white , and blood trickling down his bosom it had sprung from his mouth , i think , looking fixedly at me . read it , sir , he said , in a low shivering voice . slow , please . i doent know as i can understand . in the midst of the silence of death , i read thus , from a blotted letter when you , who love me so much better than i ever have deserved , even when my mind was innocent , see this , i shall be far away . i shall be fur away , he repeated slowly . stop . emly fur away . well . when i leave my dear home  dear home  , my dear home . the morning , the letter bore date on the previous night will be never to come back , unless he brings me back a lady . this will be found at night , many hours after , instead of me . oh , if you knew how my heart is torn . if even you , that i have wronged so much , that never can forgive me , could only know what i suffer . i am too wicked to write about myself . oh , take comfort in thinking that i am so bad . oh , for mercys sake , tell uncle that i never loved him half so dear as now . oh , dont remember how affectionate and kind you have all been to me  remember we were ever to be married  try to think as if i died when i was little , and was buried somewhere . pray heaven that i am going away from , have compassion on my uncle . tell him that i never loved him half so dear . be his comfort . love some good girl that will be what i was once to uncle , and be true to you , and worthy of you , and know no shame but me . god bless all . ill pray for all , often , on my knees . if he dont bring me back a lady , and i dont pray for my own self , ill pray for all . my parting love to uncle . my last tears , and my last thanks , for uncle . that was all . he stood , long after i had ceased to read , still looking at me . at length i ventured to take his hand , and to entreat him , as well as i could , to endeavour to get some command of himself . he replied , i thankee , sir , i thankee . without moving . ham spoke to him . mr . peggotty was so far sensible of his affliction , that he wrung his hand but , otherwise , he remained in the same state , and no one dared to disturb him . slowly , at last , he moved his eyes from my face , as if he were waking from a vision , and cast them round the room . then he said , in a low voice whos the man . i want to know his name . ham glanced at me , and suddenly i felt a shock that struck me back . theres a man suspected , said mr . peggotty . who is it . masr davy . implored ham . go out a bit , and let me tell him what i must . you doent ought to hear it , sir . i felt the shock again . i sank down in a chair , and tried to utter some reply but my tongue was fettered , and my sight was weak . i want to know his name . i heard said once more . for some time past , ham faltered , theres been a servant about here , at odd times . theres been a genlmn too . both of em belonged to one another . mr . peggotty stood fixed as before , but now looking at him . the servant , pursued ham , was seen along with  poor girl  night . hes been in hiding about here , this week or over . he was thought to have gone , but he was hiding . doent stay , masr davy , doent . i felt peggottys arm round my neck , but i could not have moved if the house had been about to fall upon me . a strange chay and hosses was outside town , this morning , on the norwich road , amost afore the day broke , ham went on . the servant went to it , and come from it , and went to it again . when he went to it again , emly was nigh him . the tother was inside . hes the man . for the lords love , said mr . peggotty , falling back , and putting out his hand , as if to keep off what he dreaded . doent tell me his names steerforth . masr davy , exclaimed ham , in a broken voice , it aint no fault of yourn  i am far from laying of it to you  his name is steerforth , and hes a damned villain . mr . peggotty uttered no cry , and shed no tear , and moved no more , until he seemed to wake again , all at once , and pulled down his rough coat from its peg in a corner . bear a hand with this . im struck of a heap , and cant do it , he said , impatiently . bear a hand and help me . well . when somebody had done so . now give me that theer hat . ham asked him whither he was going . im a going to seek my niece . im a going to seek my emly . im a going , first , to stave in that theer boat , and sink it where i would have drownded him , as im a living soul , if i had one thought of what was in him . as he sat afore me , he said , wildly , holding out his clenched right hand , as he sat afore me , face to face , strike me down dead , but id have drownded him , and thought it right . a going to seek my niece . where . cried ham , interposing himself before the door . anywhere . im a going to seek my niece through the wureld . im a going to find my poor niece in her shame , and bring her back . no one stop me . i tell you im a going to seek my niece . no , . cried mrs . gummidge , coming between them , in a fit of crying . no , danl , not as you are now . seek her in a little while , my lone lorn danl , and thatll be but right . but not as you are now . sit ye down , and give me your forgiveness for having ever been a worrit to you , danl  have my contraries ever been to this . let us speak a word about them times when she was first an orphan , and when ham was too , and when i was a poor widder woman , and you took me in . itll soften your poor heart , danl , laying her head upon his shoulder , and youll bear your sorrow better for you know the promise , danl , as you have done it unto one of the least of these , you have done it unto me  , that can never fail under this roof , thats been our shelter for so many , year . he was quite passive now and when i heard him crying , the impulse that had been upon me to go down upon my knees , and ask their pardon for the desolation i had caused , and curse steerforth , yielded to a better feeling . my overcharged heart found the same relief , and i cried too . chapter . the beginning of a long journey what is natural in me , is natural in many other men , i infer , and so i am not afraid to write that i never had loved steerforth better than when the ties that bound me to him were broken . in the keen distress of the discovery of his unworthiness , i thought more of all that was brilliant in him , i softened more towards all that was good in him , i did more justice to the qualities that might have made him a man of a noble nature and a great name , than ever i had done in the height of my devotion to him . deeply as i felt my own unconscious part in his pollution of an honest home , i believed that if i had been brought face to face with him , i could not have uttered one reproach . i should have loved him so well still  he fascinated me no longer  should have held in so much tenderness the memory of my affection for him , that i think i should have been as weak as a spirit wounded child , in all but the entertainment of a thought that we could ever be re united . that thought i never had . i felt , as he had felt , that all was at an end between us . what his remembrances of me were , i have never known  were light enough , perhaps , and easily dismissed  mine of him were as the remembrances of a cherished friend , who was dead . yes , steerforth , long removed from the scenes of this poor history . my sorrow may bear involuntary witness against you at the judgement throne but my angry thoughts or my reproaches never will , i know . the news of what had happened soon spread through the town insomuch that as i passed along the streets next morning , i overheard the people speaking of it at their doors . many were hard upon her , some few were hard upon him , but towards her second father and her lover there was but one sentiment . among all kinds of people a respect for them in their distress prevailed , which was full of gentleness and delicacy . the seafaring men kept apart , when those two were seen early , walking with slow steps on the beach and stood in knots , talking compassionately among themselves . it was on the beach , close down by the sea , that i found them . it would have been easy to perceive that they had not slept all last night , even if peggotty had failed to tell me of their still sitting just as i left them , when it was broad day . they looked worn and i thought mr . peggottys head was bowed in one night more than in all the years i had known him . but they were both as grave and steady as the sea itself , then lying beneath a dark sky , waveless  with a heavy roll upon it , as if it breathed in its rest  touched , on the horizon , with a strip of silvery light from the unseen sun . we have had a mort of talk , sir , said mr . peggotty to me , when we had all three walked a little while in silence , of what we ought and doent ought to do . but we see our course now . i happened to glance at ham , then looking out to sea upon the distant light , and a frightful thought came into my mind  that his face was angry , for it was not i recall nothing but an expression of stern determination in it  if ever he encountered steerforth , he would kill him . my dooty here , sir , said mr . peggotty , is done . im a going to seek my  he stopped , and went on in a firmer voice im a going to seek her . thats my dooty evermore . he shook his head when i asked him where he would seek her , and inquired if i were going to london tomorrow . i told him i had not gone today , fearing to lose the chance of being of any service to him but that i was ready to go when he would . ill go along with you , sir , he rejoined , if youre agreeable , tomorrow . we walked again , for a while , in silence . ham , he presently resumed , hell hold to his present work , and go and live along with my sister . the old boat yonder  will you desert the old boat , mr . peggotty . i gently interposed . my station , masr davy , he returned , aint there no longer and if ever a boat foundered , since there was darkness on the face of the deep , that ones gone down . but no , sir , no i doent mean as it should be deserted . fur from that . we walked again for a while , as before , until he explained my wishes is , sir , as it shall look , day and night , winter and summer , as it has always looked , since she fust knowd it . if ever she should come a wandering back , i wouldnt have the old place seem to cast her off , you understand , but seem to tempt her to draw nigher to t , and to peep in , maybe , like a ghost , out of the wind and rain , through the old winder , at the old seat by the fire . then , maybe , masr davy , seein none but missis gummidge there , she might take heart to creep in , trembling and might come to be laid down in her old bed , and rest her weary head where it was once so gay . i could not speak to him in reply , though i tried . every night , said mr . peggotty , as reglar as the night comes , the candle must be stood in its old pane of glass , that if ever she should see it , may seem to say come back , my child , come back . if ever theres a knock , ham arter dark , at your aunts door , doent you go nigh it . let it be her  you  sees my fallen child . he walked a little in front of us , and kept before us for some minutes . during this interval , i glanced at ham again , and observing the same expression on his face , and his eyes still directed to the distant light , i touched his arm . twice i called him by his name , in the tone in which i might have tried to rouse a sleeper , before he heeded me . when i at last inquired on what his thoughts were so bent , he replied on whats afore me , masr davy and over yon . on the life before you , do you mean . he had pointed confusedly out to sea . ay , masr davy . i doent rightly know how tis , but from over yon there seemed to me to come  end of it like , looking at me as if he were waking , but with the same determined face . what end . i asked , possessed by my former fear . i doent know , he said , thoughtfully i was calling to mind that the beginning of it all did take place here  then the end come . but its gone . masr davy , he added answering , as i think , my look you hant no call to be afeerd of me but im kiender muddled i dont fare to feel no matters  , was as much as to say that he was not himself , and quite confounded . mr . peggotty stopping for us to join him we did so , and said no more . the remembrance of this , in connexion with my former thought , however , haunted me at intervals , even until the inexorable end came at its appointed time . we insensibly approached the old boat , and entered . mrs . gummidge , no longer moping in her especial corner , was busy preparing breakfast . she took mr . peggottys hat , and placed his seat for him , and spoke so comfortably and softly , that i hardly knew her . danl , my good man , said she , you must eat and drink , and keep up your strength , for without it youll do nowt . try , thats a dear soul . an if i disturb you with my clicketten , she meant her chattering , tell me so , danl , and i wont . when she had served us all , she withdrew to the window , where she sedulously employed herself in repairing some shirts and other clothes belonging to mr . peggotty , and neatly folding and packing them in an old oilskin bag , such as sailors carry . meanwhile , she continued talking , in the same quiet manner all times and seasons , you know , danl , said mrs . gummidge , i shall be allus here , and everythink will look accordin to your wishes . im a poor scholar , but i shall write to you , odd times , when youre away , and send my letters to masr davy . maybe youll write to me too , danl , odd times , and tell me how you fare to feel upon your lone lorn journies . youll be a solitary woman heer , im afeerd . said mr . peggotty . no , danl , she returned , i shant be that . doent you mind me . i shall have enough to do to keep a beein for you mrs . gummidge meant a home , again you come back  keep a beein here for any that may hap to come back , danl . in the fine time , i shall set outside the door as i used to do . if any should come nigh , they shall see the old widder woman true to em , a long way off . what a change in mrs . gummidge in a little time . she was another woman . she was so devoted , she had such a quick perception of what it would be well to say , and what it would be well to leave unsaid she was so forgetful of herself , and so regardful of the sorrow about her , that i held her in a sort of veneration . the work she did that day . there were many things to be brought up from the beach and stored in the outhouse  oars , nets , sails , cordage , spars , lobster pots, , bags of ballast , and the like and though there was abundance of assistance rendered , there being not a pair of working hands on all that shore but would have laboured hard for mr . peggotty , and been well paid in being asked to do it , yet she persisted , all day long , in toiling under weights that she was quite unequal to , and fagging to and fro on all sorts of unnecessary errands . as to deploring her misfortunes , she appeared to have entirely lost the recollection of ever having had any . she preserved an equable cheerfulness in the midst of her sympathy , which was not the least astonishing part of the change that had come over her . querulousness was out of the question . i did not even observe her voice to falter , or a tear to escape from her eyes , the whole day through , until twilight when she and i and mr . peggotty being alone together , and he having fallen asleep in perfect exhaustion , she broke into a half suppressed fit of sobbing and crying , and taking me to the door , said , ever bless you , masr davy , be a friend to him , poor dear . then , she immediately ran out of the house to wash her face , in order that she might sit quietly beside him , and be found at work there , when he should awake . in short i left her , when i went away at night , the prop and staff of mr . peggottys affliction and i could not meditate enough upon the lesson that i read in mrs . gummidge , and the new experience she unfolded to me . it was between nine and ten oclock when , strolling in a melancholy manner through the town , i stopped at mr . omers door . mr . omer had taken it so much to heart , his daughter told me , that he had been very low and poorly all day , and had gone to bed without his pipe . a deceitful , bad hearted girl , said mrs . joram . there was no good in her , ever . dont say so , i returned . you dont think so . yes , i do . cried mrs . joram , angrily . no , said i . mrs . joram tossed her head , endeavouring to be very stern and cross but she could not command her softer self , and began to cry . i was young , to be sure but i thought much the better of her for this sympathy , and fancied it became her , as a virtuous wife and mother , very well indeed . what will she ever do . sobbed minnie . where will she go . what will become of her . oh , how could she be so cruel , to herself and him . i remembered the time when minnie was a young and pretty girl and i was glad she remembered it too , so feelingly . my little minnie , said mrs . joram , has only just now been got to sleep . even in her sleep she is sobbing for emly . all day long , little minnie has cried for her , and asked me , over and over again , whether emly was wicked . what can i say to her , when emly tied a ribbon off her own neck round little minnies the last night she was here , and laid her head down on the pillow beside her till she was fast asleep . the ribbons round my little minnies neck now . it ought not to be , perhaps , but what can i do . emly is very bad , but they were fond of one another . and the child knows nothing . mrs . joram was so unhappy that her husband came out to take care of her . leaving them together , i went home to peggottys more melancholy myself , if possible , than i had been yet . that good creature  mean peggotty  untired by her late anxieties and sleepless nights , was at her brothers , where she meant to stay till morning . an old woman , who had been employed about the house for some weeks past , while peggotty had been unable to attend to it , was the houses only other occupant besides myself . as i had no occasion for her services , i sent her to bed , by no means against her will , and sat down before the kitchen fire a little while , to think about all this . i was blending it with the deathbed of the late mr . barkis , and was driving out with the tide towards the distance at which ham had looked so singularly in the morning , when i was recalled from my wanderings by a knock at the door . there was a knocker upon the door , but it was not that which made the sound . the tap was from a hand , and low down upon the door , as if it were given by a child . it made me start as much as if it had been the knock of a footman to a person of distinction . i opened the door and at first looked down , to my amazement , on nothing but a great umbrella that appeared to be walking about of itself . but presently i discovered underneath it , miss mowcher . i might not have been prepared to give the little creature a very kind reception , if , on her removing the umbrella , which her utmost efforts were unable to shut up , she had shown me the volatile expression of face which had made so great an impression on me at our first and last meeting . but her face , as she turned it up to mine , was so earnest and when i relieved her of the umbrella which would have been an inconvenient one for the irish giant , she wrung her little hands in such an afflicted manner that i rather inclined towards her . miss mowcher . said i , after glancing up and down the empty street , without distinctly knowing what i expected to see besides how do you come here . what is the matter . she motioned to me with her short right arm , to shut the umbrella for her and passing me hurriedly , went into the kitchen . when i had closed the door , and followed , with the umbrella in my hand , i found her sitting on the corner of the fender  was a low iron one , with two flat bars at top to stand plates upon  the shadow of the boiler , swaying herself backwards and forwards , and chafing her hands upon her knees like a person in pain . quite alarmed at being the only recipient of this untimely visit , and the only spectator of this portentous behaviour , i exclaimed again , pray tell me , miss mowcher , what is the matter . are you ill . my dear young soul , returned miss mowcher , squeezing her hands upon her heart one over the other . i am ill here , i am very ill . to think that it should come to this , when i might have known it and perhaps prevented it , if i hadnt been a thoughtless fool . again her large bonnet went backwards and forwards , in her swaying of her little body to and fro while a most gigantic bonnet rocked , in unison with it , upon the wall . i am surprised , i began , to see you so distressed and serious  she interrupted me . yes , its always so . she said . they are all surprised , these inconsiderate young people , fairly and full grown , to see any natural feeling in a little thing like me . they make a plaything of me , use me for their amusement , throw me away when they are tired , and wonder that i feel more than a toy horse or a wooden soldier . yes , thats the way . the old way . it may be , with others , i returned , but i do assure you it is not with me . perhaps i ought not to be at all surprised to see you as you are now i know so little of you . i said , without consideration , what i thought . what can i do . returned the little woman , standing up , and holding out her arms to show herself . see . what i am , my father was and my sister is and my brother is . i have worked for sister and brother these many years  , mr . copperfield  day . i must live . i do no harm . if there are people so unreflecting or so cruel , as to make a jest of me , what is left for me to do but to make a jest of myself , them , and everything . if i do so , for the time , whose fault is that . mine . no . not miss mowchers , i perceived . if i had shown myself a sensitive dwarf to your false friend , pursued the little woman , shaking her head at me , with reproachful earnestness , how much of his help or good will do you think i should ever have had . if little mowcher who had no hand , young gentleman , in the making of herself addressed herself to him , or the like of him , because of her misfortunes , when do you suppose her small voice would have been heard . little mowcher would have as much need to live , if she was the bitterest and dullest of pigmies but she couldnt do it . no . she might whistle for her bread and butter till she died of air . miss mowcher sat down on the fender again , and took out her handkerchief , and wiped her eyes . be thankful for me , if you have a kind heart , as i think you have , she said , that while i know well what i am , i can be cheerful and endure it all . i am thankful for myself , at any rate , that i can find my tiny way through the world , without being beholden to anyone and that in return for all that is thrown at me , in folly or vanity , as i go along , i can throw bubbles back . if i dont brood over all i want , it is the better for me , and not the worse for anyone . if i am a plaything for you giants , be gentle with me . miss mowcher replaced her handkerchief in her pocket , looking at me with very intent expression all the while , and pursued i saw you in the street just now . you may suppose i am not able to walk as fast as you , with my short legs and short breath , and i couldnt overtake you but i guessed where you came , and came after you . i have been here before , today , but the good woman wasnt at home . do you know her . i demanded . i know of her , and about her , she replied , from omer and joram . i was there at seven oclock this morning . do you remember what steerforth said to me about this unfortunate girl , that time when i saw you both at the inn . the great bonnet on miss mowchers head , and the greater bonnet on the wall , began to go backwards and forwards again when she asked this question . i remembered very well what she referred to , having had it in my thoughts many times that day . i told her so . may the father of all evil confound him , said the little woman , holding up her forefinger between me and her sparkling eyes , and ten times more confound that wicked servant but i believed it was you who had a boyish passion for her . i . i repeated . child , . in the name of blind ill fortune, , cried miss mowcher , wringing her hands impatiently , as she went to and fro again upon the fender , why did you praise her so , and blush , and look disturbed . i could not conceal from myself that i had done this , though for a reason very different from her supposition . what did i know . said miss mowcher , taking out her handkerchief again , and giving one little stamp on the ground whenever , at short intervals , she applied it to her eyes with both hands at once . he was crossing you and wheedling you , i saw and you were soft wax in his hands , i saw . had i left the room a minute , when his man told me that young innocence so he called you , and you may call him old guilt all the days of your life had set his heart upon her , and she was giddy and liked him , but his master was resolved that no harm should come of it  for your sake than for hers  that was their business here . how could i but believe him . i saw steerforth soothe and please you by his praise of her . you were the first to mention her name . you owned to an old admiration of her . you were hot and cold , and red and white , all at once when i spoke to you of her . what could i think  did i think  that you were a young libertine in everything but experience , and had fallen into hands that had experience enough , and could manage you for your own good . oh . oh . oh . they were afraid of my finding out the truth , exclaimed miss mowcher , getting off the fender , and trotting up and down the kitchen with her two short arms distressfully lifted up , because i am a sharp little thing  need be , to get through the world at all . they deceived me altogether , and i gave the poor unfortunate girl a letter , which i fully believe was the beginning of her ever speaking to littimer , who was left behind on purpose . i stood amazed at the revelation of all this perfidy , looking at miss mowcher as she walked up and down the kitchen until she was out of breath when she sat upon the fender again , and , drying her face with her handkerchief , shook her head for a long time , without otherwise moving , and without breaking silence . my country rounds , she added at length , brought me to norwich , mr . copperfield , the night before last . what i happened to find there , about their secret way of coming and going , without you  was strange  to my suspecting something wrong . i got into the coach from london last night , as it came through norwich , and was here this morning . oh , . too late . poor little mowcher turned so chilly after all her crying and fretting , that she turned round on the fender , putting her poor little wet feet in among the ashes to warm them , and sat looking at the fire , like a large doll . i sat in a chair on the other side of the hearth , lost in unhappy reflections , and looking at the fire too , and sometimes at her . i must go , she said at last , rising as she spoke . its late . you dont mistrust me . meeting her sharp glance , which was as sharp as ever when she asked me , i could not on that short challenge answer no , quite frankly . come . said she , accepting the offer of my hand to help her over the fender , and looking wistfully up into my face , you know you wouldnt mistrust me , if i was a full sized woman . i felt that there was much truth in this and i felt rather ashamed of myself . you are a young man , she said , nodding . take a word of advice , even from three foot nothing . try not to associate bodily defects with mental , my good friend , except for a solid reason . she had got over the fender now , and i had got over my suspicion . i told her that i believed she had given me a faithful account of herself , and that we had both been hapless instruments in designing hands . she thanked me , and said i was a good fellow . now , mind . she exclaimed , turning back on her way to the door , and looking shrewdly at me , with her forefinger up again . have some reason to suspect , from what i have heard  ears are always open i cant afford to spare what powers i have  they are gone abroad . but if ever they return , if ever any one of them returns , while i am alive , i am more likely than another , going about as i do , to find it out soon . whatever i know , you shall know . if ever i can do anything to serve the poor betrayed girl , i will do it faithfully , please heaven . and littimer had better have a bloodhound at his back , than little mowcher . i placed implicit faith in this last statement , when i marked the look with which it was accompanied . trust me no more , but trust me no less , than you would trust a full sized woman , said the little creature , touching me appealingly on the wrist . if ever you see me again , unlike what i am now , and like what i was when you first saw me , observe what company i am in . call to mind that i am a very helpless and defenceless little thing . think of me at home with my brother like myself and sister like myself , when my days work is done . perhaps you wont , then , be very hard upon me , or surprised if i can be distressed and serious . good night . i gave miss mowcher my hand , with a very different opinion of her from that which i had hitherto entertained , and opened the door to let her out . it was not a trifling business to get the great umbrella up , and properly balanced in her grasp but at last i successfully accomplished this , and saw it go bobbing down the street through the rain , without the least appearance of having anybody underneath it , except when a heavier fall than usual from some over charged water spout sent it toppling over , on one side , and discovered miss mowcher struggling violently to get it right . after making one or two sallies to her relief , which were rendered futile by the umbrellas hopping on again , like an immense bird , before i could reach it , i came in , went to bed , and slept till morning . in the morning i was joined by mr . peggotty and by my old nurse , and we went at an early hour to the coach office , where mrs . gummidge and ham were waiting to take leave of us . masr davy , ham whispered , drawing me aside , while mr . peggotty was stowing his bag among the luggage , his life is quite broke up . he doent know wheer hes going he doent know  afore him hes bound upon a voyage thatll last , on and off , all the rest of his days , take my wured for t , unless he finds what hes a seeking of . i am sure youll be a friend to him , masr davy . trust me , i will indeed , said i , shaking hands with ham earnestly . thankee . thankee , very kind , sir . one thing furder . im in good employ , you know , masr davy , and i hant no way now of spending what i gets . moneys of no use to me no more , except to live . if you can lay it out for him , i shall do my work with a better art . though as to that , sir , and he spoke very steadily and mildly , youre not to think but i shall work at all times , like a man , and act the best that lays in my power . i told him i was well convinced of it and i hinted that i hoped the time might even come , when he would cease to lead the lonely life he naturally contemplated now . no , sir , he said , shaking his head , all thats past and over with me , sir . no one can never fill the place thats empty . but youll bear in mind about the money , as theers at all times some laying by for him . reminding him of the fact , that mr . peggotty derived a steady , though certainly a very moderate income from the bequest of his late brother in , i promised to do so . we then took leave of each other . i cannot leave him even now , without remembering with a pang , at once his modest fortitude and his great sorrow . as to mrs . gummidge , if i were to endeavour to describe how she ran down the street by the side of the coach , seeing nothing but mr . peggotty on the roof , through the tears she tried to repress , and dashing herself against the people who were coming in the opposite direction , i should enter on a task of some difficulty . therefore i had better leave her sitting on a bakers door step, , out of breath , with no shape at all remaining in her bonnet , and one of her shoes off , lying on the pavement at a considerable distance . when we got to our journeys end , our first pursuit was to look about for a little lodging for peggotty , where her brother could have a bed . we were so fortunate as to find one , of a very clean and cheap description , over a chandlers shop , only two streets removed from me . when we had engaged this domicile , i bought some cold meat at an eating house, , and took my fellow travellers home to tea a proceeding , i regret to state , which did not meet with mrs . crupps approval , but quite the contrary . i ought to observe , however , in explanation of that ladys state of mind , that she was much offended by peggottys tucking up her widows gown before she had been ten minutes in the place , and setting to work to dust my bedroom . this mrs . crupp regarded in the light of a liberty , and a liberty , she said , was a thing she never allowed . mr . peggotty had made a communication to me on the way to london for which i was not unprepared . it was , that he purposed first seeing mrs . steerforth . as i felt bound to assist him in this , and also to mediate between them with the view of sparing the mothers feelings as much as possible , i wrote to her that night . i told her as mildly as i could what his wrong was , and what my own share in his injury . i said he was a man in very common life , but of a most gentle and upright character and that i ventured to express a hope that she would not refuse to see him in his heavy trouble . i mentioned two oclock in the afternoon as the hour of our coming , and i sent the letter myself by the first coach in the morning . at the appointed time , we stood at the door  of that house where i had been , a few days since , so happy where my youthful confidence and warmth of heart had been yielded up so freely which was closed against me henceforth which was now a waste , a ruin . no littimer appeared . the pleasanter face which had replaced his , on the occasion of my last visit , answered to our summons , and went before us to the drawing room . mrs . steerforth was sitting there . rosa dartle glided , as we went in , from another part of the room and stood behind her chair . i saw , directly , in his mothers face , that she knew from himself what he had done . it was very pale and bore the traces of deeper emotion than my letter alone , weakened by the doubts her fondness would have raised upon it , would have been likely to create . i thought her more like him than ever i had thought her and i felt , rather than saw , that the resemblance was not lost on my companion . she sat upright in her arm chair, , with a stately , immovable , passionless air , that it seemed as if nothing could disturb . she looked very steadfastly at mr . peggotty when he stood before her and he looked quite as steadfastly at her . rosa dartles keen glance comprehended all of us . for some moments not a word was spoken . she motioned to mr . peggotty to be seated . he said , in a low voice , i shouldnt feel it natral , maam , to sit down in this house . id sooner stand . and this was succeeded by another silence , which she broke thus i know , with deep regret , what has brought you here . what do you want of me . what do you ask me to do . he put his hat under his arm , and feeling in his breast for emilys letter , took it out , unfolded it , and gave it to her . please to read that , maam . thats my nieces hand . she read it , in the same stately and impassive way  , by its contents , as far as i could see  , returned it to him . unless he brings me back a lady , said mr . peggotty , tracing out that part with his finger . i come to know , maam , whether he will keep his wured . no , she returned . why not . said mr . peggotty . it is impossible . he would disgrace himself . you cannot fail to know that she is far below him . raise her up . said mr . peggotty . she is uneducated and ignorant . maybe shes not maybe she is , said mr . peggotty . i think not , maam but im no judge of them things . teach her better . since you oblige me to speak more plainly , which i am very unwilling to do , her humble connexions would render such a thing impossible , if nothing else did . hark to this , maam , he returned , slowly and quietly . you know what it is to love your child . so do i . if she was a hundred times my child , i couldnt love her more . you doent know what it is to lose your child . i do . all the heaps of riches in the wureld would be nowt to me if they was mine to buy her back . but , save her from this disgrace , and she shall never be disgraced by us . not one of us that shes growed up among , not one of us thats lived along with her and had her for their all in all , these many year , will ever look upon her pritty face again . well be content to let her be well be content to think of her , far off , as if she was underneath another sun and sky well be content to trust her to her husband  , her little children , praps  , bide the time when all of us shall be alike in quality afore our god . the rugged eloquence with which he spoke , was not devoid of all effect . she still preserved her proud manner , but there was a touch of softness in her voice , as she answered i justify nothing . i make no counter accusations . but i am sorry to repeat , it is impossible . such a marriage would irretrievably blight my sons career , and ruin his prospects . nothing is more certain than that it never can take place , and never will . if there is any other compensation  i am looking at the likeness of the face , interrupted mr . peggotty , with a steady but a kindling eye , that has looked at me , in my home , at my fireside , in my boat  not . and friendly , when it was so treacherous , that i go half wild when i think of it . if the likeness of that face dont turn to burning fire , at the thought of offering money to me for my childs blight and ruin , its as bad . i doent know , being a ladys , but what its worse . she changed now , in a moment . an angry flush overspread her features and she said , in an intolerant manner , grasping the arm chair tightly with her hands what compensation can you make to me for opening such a pit between me and my son . what is your love to mine . what is your separation to ours . miss dartle softly touched her , and bent down her head to whisper , but she would not hear a word . no , rosa , not a word . let the man listen to what i say . my son , who has been the object of my life , to whom its every thought has been devoted , whom i have gratified from a child in every wish , from whom i have had no separate existence since his birth  , take up in a moment with a miserable girl , and avoid me . to repay my confidence with systematic deception , for her sake , and quit me for her . to set this wretched fancy , against his mothers claims upon his duty , love , respect , gratitude  that every day and hour of his life should have strengthened into ties that nothing could be proof against . is this no injury . again rosa dartle tried to soothe her again ineffectually . i say , rosa , not a word . if he can stake his all upon the lightest object , i can stake my all upon a greater purpose . let him go where he will , with the means that my love has secured to him . does he think to reduce me by long absence . he knows his mother very little if he does . let him put away his whim now , and he is welcome back . let him not put her away now , and he never shall come near me , living or dying , while i can raise my hand to make a sign against it , unless , being rid of her for ever , he comes humbly to me and begs for my forgiveness . this is my right . this is the acknowledgement i will have . this is the separation that there is between us . and is this , she added , looking at her visitor with the proud intolerant air with which she had begun , no injury . while i heard and saw the mother as she said these words , i seemed to hear and see the son , defying them . all that i had ever seen in him of an unyielding , wilful spirit , i saw in her . all the understanding that i had now of his misdirected energy , became an understanding of her character too , and a perception that it was , in its strongest springs , the same . she now observed to me , aloud , resuming her former restraint , that it was useless to hear more , or to say more , and that she begged to put an end to the interview . she rose with an air of dignity to leave the room , when mr . peggotty signified that it was needless . doent fear me being any hindrance to you , i have no more to say , maam , he remarked , as he moved towards the door . i come heer with no hope , and i take away no hope . i have done what i thowt should be done , but i never looked fur any good to come of my stanning where i do . this has been too evil a house fur me and mine , fur me to be in my right senses and expect it . with this , we departed leaving her standing by her elbow chair, , a picture of a noble presence and a handsome face . we had , on our way out , to cross a paved hall , with glass sides and roof , over which a vine was trained . its leaves and shoots were green then , and the day being sunny , a pair of glass doors leading to the garden were thrown open . rosa dartle , entering this way with a noiseless step , when we were close to them , addressed herself to me you do well , she said , indeed , to bring this fellow here . such a concentration of rage and scorn as darkened her face , and flashed in her jet black eyes , i could not have thought compressible even into that face . the scar made by the hammer was , as usual in this excited state of her features , strongly marked . when the throbbing i had seen before , came into it as i looked at her , she absolutely lifted up her hand , and struck it . this is a fellow , she said , to champion and bring here , is he not . you are a true man . miss dartle , i returned , you are surely not so unjust as to condemn me . why do you bring division between these two mad creatures . she returned . dont you know that they are both mad with their own self will and pride . is it my doing . i returned . is it your doing . she retorted . why do you bring this man here . he is a deeply injured man , miss dartle , i replied . you may not know it . i know that james steerforth , she said , with her hand on her bosom , as if to prevent the storm that was raging there , from being loud , has a false , corrupt heart , and is a traitor . but what need i know or care about this fellow , and his common niece . miss dartle , i returned , you deepen the injury . it is sufficient already . i will only say , at parting , that you do him a great wrong . i do him no wrong , she returned . they are a depraved , worthless set . i would have her whipped . mr . peggotty passed on , without a word , and went out at the door . oh , shame , miss dartle . shame . i said indignantly . how can you bear to trample on his undeserved affliction . i would trample on them all , she answered . i would have his house pulled down . i would have her branded on the face , dressed in rags , and cast out in the streets to starve . if i had the power to sit in judgement on her , i would see it done . see it done . i would do it . i detest her . if i ever could reproach her with her infamous condition , i would go anywhere to do so . if i could hunt her to her grave , i would . if there was any word of comfort that would be a solace to her in her dying hour , and only i possessed it , i wouldnt part with it for life itself . the mere vehemence of her words can convey , i am sensible , but a weak impression of the passion by which she was possessed , and which made itself articulate in her whole figure , though her voice , instead of being raised , was lower than usual . no description i could give of her would do justice to my recollection of her , or to her entire deliverance of herself to her anger . i have seen passion in many forms , but i have never seen it in such a form as that . when i joined mr . peggotty , he was walking slowly and thoughtfully down the hill . he told me , as soon as i came up with him , that having now discharged his mind of what he had purposed doing in london , he meant to set out on his travels , that night . i asked him where he meant to go . he only answered , im a going , sir , to seek my niece . we went back to the little lodging over the chandlers shop , and there i found an opportunity of repeating to peggotty what he had said to me . she informed me , in return , that he had said the same to her that morning . she knew no more than i did , where he was going , but she thought he had some project shaped out in his mind . i did not like to leave him , under such circumstances , and we all three dined together off a beefsteak pie  was one of the many good things for which peggotty was famous  which was curiously flavoured on this occasion , i recollect well , by a miscellaneous taste of tea , coffee , butter , bacon , cheese , new loaves , firewood , candles , and walnut ketchup , continually ascending from the shop . after dinner we sat for an hour or so near the window , without talking much and then mr . peggotty got up , and brought his oilskin bag and his stout stick , and laid them on the table . he accepted , from his sisters stock of ready money , a small sum on account of his legacy barely enough , i should have thought , to keep him for a month . he promised to communicate with me , when anything befell him and he slung his bag about him , took his hat and stick , and bade us both good bye . all good attend you , dear old woman , he said , embracing peggotty , and you too , masr davy . shaking hands with me . im a going to seek her , fur and wide . if she should come home while im away  ah , that aint like to be . if i should bring her back , my meaning is , that she and me shall live and die where no one cant reproach her . if any hurt should come to me , remember that the last words i left for her was , my unchanged love is with my darling child , and i forgive her . he said this solemnly , bare headed then , putting on his hat , he went down the stairs , and away . we followed to the door . it was a warm , dusty evening , just the time when , in the great main thoroughfare out of which that by way turned , there was a temporary lull in the eternal tread of feet upon the pavement , and a strong red sunshine . he turned , alone , at the corner of our shady street , into a glow of light , in which we lost him . rarely did that hour of the evening come , rarely did i wake at night , rarely did i look up at the moon , or stars , or watch the falling rain , or hear the wind , but i thought of his solitary figure toiling on , poor pilgrim , and recalled the words im a going to seek her , fur and wide . if any hurt should come to me , remember that the last words i left for her was , my unchanged love is with my darling child , and i forgive her . chapter . blissful all this time , i had gone on loving dora , harder than ever . her idea was my refuge in disappointment and distress , and made some amends to me , even for the loss of my friend . the more i pitied myself , or pitied others , the more i sought for consolation in the image of dora . the greater the accumulation of deceit and trouble in the world , the brighter and the purer shone the star of dora high above the world . i dont think i had any definite idea where dora came from , or in what degree she was related to a higher order of beings but i am quite sure i should have scouted the notion of her being simply human , like any other young lady , with indignation and contempt . if i may so express it , i was steeped in dora . i was not merely over head and ears in love with her , but i was saturated through and through . enough love might have been wrung out of me , metaphorically speaking , to drown anybody in and yet there would have remained enough within me , and all over me , to pervade my entire existence . the first thing i did , on my own account , when i came back , was to take a night walk to norwood , and , like the subject of a venerable riddle of my childhood , to go round and round the house , without ever touching the house , thinking about dora . i believe the theme of this incomprehensible conundrum was the moon . no matter what it was , i , the moon struck slave of dora , perambulated round and round the house and garden for two hours , looking through crevices in the palings , getting my chin by dint of violent exertion above the rusty nails on the top , blowing kisses at the lights in the windows , and romantically calling on the night , at intervals , to shield my dora  dont exactly know what from , i suppose from fire . perhaps from mice , to which she had a great objection . my love was so much in my mind and it was so natural to me to confide in peggotty , when i found her again by my side of an evening with the old set of industrial implements , busily making the tour of my wardrobe , that i imparted to her , in a sufficiently roundabout way , my great secret . peggotty was strongly interested , but i could not get her into my view of the case at all . she was audaciously prejudiced in my favour , and quite unable to understand why i should have any misgivings , or be low spirited about it . the young lady might think herself well off , she observed , to have such a beau . and as to her pa , she said , what did the gentleman expect , for gracious sake . i observed , however , that mr . spenlows proctorial gown and stiff cravat took peggotty down a little , and inspired her with a greater reverence for the man who was gradually becoming more and more etherealized in my eyes every day , and about whom a reflected radiance seemed to me to beam when he sat erect in court among his papers , like a little lighthouse in a sea of stationery . and by the by , it used to be uncommonly strange to me to consider , i remember , as i sat in court too , how those dim old judges and doctors wouldnt have cared for dora , if they had known her how they wouldnt have gone out of their senses with rapture , if marriage with dora had been proposed to them how dora might have sung , and played upon that glorified guitar , until she led me to the verge of madness , yet not have tempted one of those slow goers an inch out of his road . i despised them , to a man . frozen out old gardeners in the flower beds of the heart , i took a personal offence against them all . the bench was nothing to me but an insensible blunderer . the bar had no more tenderness or poetry in it , than the bar of a public house . taking the management of peggottys affairs into my own hands , with no little pride , i proved the will , and came to a settlement with the legacy duty office, , and took her to the bank , and soon got everything into an orderly train . we varied the legal character of these proceedings by going to see some perspiring wax work, , in fleet street and by visiting miss linwoods exhibition , which i remember as a mausoleum of needlework , favourable to self examination and repentance and by inspecting the tower of london and going to the top of st . pauls . all these wonders afforded peggotty as much pleasure as she was able to enjoy , under existing circumstances except , i think , st . pauls , which , from her long attachment to her work box, , became a rival of the picture on the lid , and was , in some particulars , vanquished , she considered , by that work of art . peggottys business , which was what we used to call common form business in the commons and very light and lucrative the common form business was , being settled , i took her down to the office one morning to pay her bill . mr . spenlow had stepped out , old tiffey said , to get a gentleman sworn for a marriage licence but as i knew he would be back directly , our place lying close to the surrogates , and to the vicar generals office too , i told peggotty to wait . we were a little like undertakers , in the commons , as regarded probate transactions generally making it a rule to look more or less cut up , when we had to deal with clients in mourning . in a similar feeling of delicacy , we were always blithe and light hearted with the licence clients . therefore i hinted to peggotty that she would find mr . spenlow much recovered from the shock of mr . barkiss decease and indeed he came in like a bridegroom . but neither peggotty nor i had eyes for him , when we saw , in company with him , mr . murdstone . he was very little changed . his hair looked as thick , and was certainly as black , as ever and his glance was as little to be trusted as of old . ah , copperfield . said mr . spenlow . you know this gentleman , i believe . i made my gentleman a distant bow , and peggotty barely recognized him . he was , at first , somewhat disconcerted to meet us two together but quickly decided what to do , and came up to me . i hope , he said , that you are doing well . it can hardly be interesting to you , said i . yes , if you wish to know . we looked at each other , and he addressed himself to peggotty . and you , said he . i am sorry to observe that you have lost your husband . its not the first loss i have had in my life , mr . murdstone , replied peggotty , trembling from head to foot . i am glad to hope that there is nobody to blame for this one  , to answer for it . ha . said he thats a comfortable reflection . you have done your duty . i have not worn anybodys life away , said peggotty , i am thankful to think . no , mr . murdstone , i have not worrited and frightened any sweet creetur to an early grave . he eyed her gloomily  i thought  an instant and said , turning his head towards me , but looking at my feet instead of my face we are not likely to encounter soon again  source of satisfaction to us both , no doubt , for such meetings as this can never be agreeable . i do not expect that you , who always rebelled against my just authority , exerted for your benefit and reformation , should owe me any good will now . there is an antipathy between us  an old one , i believe . said i , interrupting him . he smiled , and shot as evil a glance at me as could come from his dark eyes . it rankled in your baby breast , he said . it embittered the life of your poor mother . you are right . i hope you may do better , yet i hope you may correct yourself . here he ended the dialogue , which had been carried on in a low voice , in a corner of the outer office , by passing into mr . spenlows room , and saying aloud , in his smoothest manner gentlemen of mr . spenlows profession are accustomed to family differences , and know how complicated and difficult they always are . with that , he paid the money for his licence and , receiving it neatly folded from mr . spenlow , together with a shake of the hand , and a polite wish for his happiness and the ladys , went out of the office . i might have had more difficulty in constraining myself to be silent under his words , if i had less difficulty in impressing upon peggotty that we were not in a place for recrimination , and that i besought her to hold her peace . she was so unusually roused , that i was glad to compound for an affectionate hug , elicited by this revival in her mind of our old injuries , and to make the best i could of it , before mr . spenlow and the clerks . mr . spenlow did not appear to know what the connexion between mr . murdstone and myself was which i was glad of , for i could not bear to acknowledge him , even in my own breast , remembering what i did of the history of my poor mother . mr . spenlow seemed to think , if he thought anything about the matter , that my aunt was the leader of the state party in our family , and that there was a rebel party commanded by somebody else  i gathered at least from what he said , while we were waiting for mr . tiffey to make out peggottys bill of costs . miss trotwood , he remarked , is very firm , no doubt , and not likely to give way to opposition . i have an admiration for her character , and i may congratulate you , copperfield , on being on the right side . differences between relations are much to be deplored  they are extremely general  the great thing is , to be on the right side meaning , i take it , on the side of the moneyed interest . rather a good marriage this , i believe . said mr . spenlow . i explained that i knew nothing about it . indeed . he said . speaking from the few words mr . murdstone dropped  a man frequently does on these occasions  from what miss murdstone let fall , i should say it was rather a good marriage . do you mean that there is money , sir . i asked . yes , said mr . spenlow , i understand theres money . beauty too , i am told . indeed . is his new wife young . just of age , said mr . spenlow . so lately , that i should think they had been waiting for that . lord deliver her . said peggotty . so very emphatically and unexpectedly , that we were all three discomposed until tiffey came in with the bill . old tiffey soon appeared , however , and handed it to mr . spenlow , to look over . mr . spenlow , settling his chin in his cravat and rubbing it softly , went over the items with a deprecatory air  if it were all jorkinss doing  handed it back to tiffey with a bland sigh . yes , he said . thats right . quite right . i should have been extremely happy , copperfield , to have limited these charges to the actual expenditure out of pocket , but it is an irksome incident in my professional life , that i am not at liberty to consult my own wishes . i have a partner  . jorkins . as he said this with a gentle melancholy , which was the next thing to making no charge at all , i expressed my acknowledgements on peggottys behalf , and paid tiffey in banknotes . peggotty then retired to her lodging , and mr . spenlow and i went into court , where we had a divorce suit coming on , under an ingenious little statute repealed now , i believe , but in virtue of which i have seen several marriages annulled , of which the merits were these . the husband , whose name was thomas benjamin , had taken out his marriage licence as thomas only suppressing the benjamin , in case he should not find himself as comfortable as he expected . not finding himself as comfortable as he expected , or being a little fatigued with his wife , poor fellow , he now came forward , by a friend , after being married a year or two , and declared that his name was thomas benjamin , and therefore he was not married at all . which the court confirmed , to his great satisfaction . i must say that i had my doubts about the strict justice of this , and was not even frightened out of them by the bushel of wheat which reconciles all anomalies . but mr . spenlow argued the matter with me . he said , look at the world , there was good and evil in that look at the ecclesiastical law , there was good and evil in that . it was all part of a system . very good . there you were . i had not the hardihood to suggest to doras father that possibly we might even improve the world a little , if we got up early in the morning , and took off our coats to the work but i confessed that i thought we might improve the commons . mr . spenlow replied that he would particularly advise me to dismiss that idea from my mind , as not being worthy of my gentlemanly character but that he would be glad to hear from me of what improvement i thought the commons susceptible . taking that part of the commons which happened to be nearest to us  our man was unmarried by this time , and we were out of court , and strolling past the prerogative office  submitted that i thought the prerogative office rather a queerly managed institution . mr . spenlow inquired in what respect . i replied , with all due deference to his experience but with more deference , i am afraid , to his being doras father , that perhaps it was a little nonsensical that the registry of that court , containing the original wills of all persons leaving effects within the immense province of canterbury , for three whole centuries , should be an accidental building , never designed for the purpose , leased by the registrars for their own private emolument , unsafe , not even ascertained to be fire proof, , choked with the important documents it held , and positively , from the roof to the basement , a mercenary speculation of the registrars , who took great fees from the public , and crammed the publics wills away anyhow and anywhere , having no other object than to get rid of them cheaply . that , perhaps , it was a little unreasonable that these registrars in the receipt of profits amounting to eight or nine thousand pounds a year to say nothing of the profits of the deputy registrars , and clerks of seats , should not be obliged to spend a little of that money , in finding a reasonably safe place for the important documents which all classes of people were compelled to hand over to them , whether they would or no . that , perhaps , it was a little unjust , that all the great offices in this great office should be magnificent sinecures , while the unfortunate working clerks in the cold dark room upstairs were the worst rewarded , and the least considered men , doing important services , in london . that perhaps it was a little indecent that the principal registrar of all , whose duty it was to find the public , constantly resorting to this place , all needful accommodation , should be an enormous sinecurist in virtue of that post and might be , besides , a clergyman , a pluralist , the holder of a staff in a cathedral , and what not  , the public was put to the inconvenience of which we had a specimen every afternoon when the office was busy , and which we knew to be quite monstrous . that , perhaps , in short , this prerogative office of the diocese of canterbury was altogether such a pestilent job , and such a pernicious absurdity , that but for its being squeezed away in a corner of st . pauls churchyard , which few people knew , it must have been turned completely inside out , and upside down , long ago . mr . spenlow smiled as i became modestly warm on the subject , and then argued this question with me as he had argued the other . he said , what was it after all . it was a question of feeling . if the public felt that their wills were in safe keeping , and took it for granted that the office was not to be made better , who was the worse for it . nobody . who was the better for it . all the sinecurists . very well . then the good predominated . it might not be a perfect system nothing was perfect but what he objected to , was , the insertion of the wedge . under the prerogative office , the country had been glorious . insert the wedge into the prerogative office , and the country would cease to be glorious . he considered it the principle of a gentleman to take things as he found them and he had no doubt the prerogative office would last our time . i deferred to his opinion , though i had great doubts of it myself . i find he was right , however for it has not only lasted to the present moment , but has done so in the teeth of a great parliamentary report made not too willingly eighteen years ago , when all these objections of mine were set forth in detail , and when the existing stowage for wills was described as equal to the accumulation of only two years and a half more . what they have done with them since whether they have lost many , or whether they sell any , now and then , to the butter shops i dont know . i am glad mine is not there , and i hope it may not go there , yet awhile . i have set all this down , in my present blissful chapter , because here it comes into its natural place . mr . spenlow and i falling into this conversation , prolonged it and our saunter to and fro , until we diverged into general topics . and so it came about , in the end , that mr . spenlow told me this day week was doras birthday , and he would be glad if i would come down and join a little picnic on the occasion . i went out of my senses immediately became a mere driveller next day , on receipt of a little lace edged sheet of note paper, , favoured by papa . to remind and passed the intervening period in a state of dotage . i think i committed every possible absurdity in the way of preparation for this blessed event . i turn hot when i remember the cravat i bought . my boots might be placed in any collection of instruments of torture . i provided , and sent down by the norwood coach the night before , a delicate little hamper , amounting in itself , i thought , almost to a declaration . there were crackers in it with the tenderest mottoes that could be got for money . at six in the morning , i was in covent garden market , buying a bouquet for dora . at ten i was on horseback i hired a gallant grey , for the occasion , with the bouquet in my hat , to keep it fresh , trotting down to norwood . i suppose that when i saw dora in the garden and pretended not to see her , and rode past the house pretending to be anxiously looking for it , i committed two small fooleries which other young gentlemen in my circumstances might have committed  they came so very natural to me . but oh . when i did find the house , and did dismount at the garden gate, , and drag those stony hearted boots across the lawn to dora sitting on a garden seat under a lilac tree , what a spectacle she was , upon that beautiful morning , among the butterflies , in a white chip bonnet and a dress of celestial blue . there was a young lady with her  stricken in years  twenty , i should say . her name was miss mills . and dora called her julia . she was the bosom friend of dora . happy miss mills . jip was there , and jip would bark at me again . when i presented my bouquet , he gnashed his teeth with jealousy . well he might . if he had the least idea how i adored his mistress , well he might . oh , thank you , mr . copperfield . what dear flowers . said dora . i had an intention of saying and had been studying the best form of words for three miles that i thought them beautiful before i saw them so near her . but i couldnt manage it . she was too bewildering . to see her lay the flowers against her little dimpled chin , was to lose all presence of mind and power of language in a feeble ecstasy . i wonder i didnt say , kill me , if you have a heart , miss mills . let me die here . then dora held my flowers to jip to smell . then jip growled , and wouldnt smell them . then dora laughed , and held them a little closer to jip , to make him . then jip laid hold of a bit of geranium with his teeth , and worried imaginary cats in it . then dora beat him , and pouted , and said , my poor beautiful flowers . as compassionately , i thought , as if jip had laid hold of me . i wished he had . youll be so glad to hear , mr . copperfield , said dora , that cross miss murdstone is not here . she has gone to her brothers marriage , and will be away at least three weeks . isnt that delightful . i said i was sure it must be delightful to her , and all that was delightful to her was delightful to me . miss mills , with an air of superior wisdom and benevolence , smiled upon us . she is the most disagreeable thing i ever saw , said dora . you cant believe how ill tempered and shocking she is , julia . yes , i can , my dear . said julia . you can , perhaps , love , returned dora , with her hand on julias . forgive my not excepting you , my dear , at first . i learnt , from this , that miss mills had her trials in the course of a chequered existence and that to these , perhaps , i might refer that wise benignity of manner which i had already noticed . i found , in the course of the day , that this was the case miss mills having been unhappy in a misplaced affection , and being understood to have retired from the world on her awful stock of experience , but still to take a calm interest in the unblighted hopes and loves of youth . but now mr . spenlow came out of the house , and dora went to him , saying , look , papa , what beautiful flowers . and miss mills smiled thoughtfully , as who should say , ye mayflies , enjoy your brief existence in the bright morning of life . and we all walked from the lawn towards the carriage , which was getting ready . i shall never have such a ride again . i have never had such another . there were only those three , their hamper , my hamper , and the guitar case, , in the phaeton and , of course , the phaeton was open and i rode behind it , and dora sat with her back to the horses , looking towards me . she kept the bouquet close to her on the cushion , and wouldnt allow jip to sit on that side of her at all , for fear he should crush it . she often carried it in her hand , often refreshed herself with its fragrance . our eyes at those times often met and my great astonishment is that i didnt go over the head of my gallant grey into the carriage . there was dust , i believe . there was a good deal of dust , i believe . i have a faint impression that mr . spenlow remonstrated with me for riding in it but i knew of none . i was sensible of a mist of love and beauty about dora , but of nothing else . he stood up sometimes , and asked me what i thought of the prospect . i said it was delightful , and i dare say it was but it was all dora to me . the sun shone dora , and the birds sang dora . the south wind blew dora , and the wild flowers in the hedges were all doras , to a bud . my comfort is , miss mills understood me . miss mills alone could enter into my feelings thoroughly . i dont know how long we were going , and to this hour i know as little where we went . perhaps it was near guildford . perhaps some arabian night magician , opened up the place for the day , and shut it up for ever when we came away . it was a green spot , on a hill , carpeted with soft turf . there were shady trees , and heather , and , as far as the eye could see , a rich landscape . it was a trying thing to find people here , waiting for us and my jealousy , even of the ladies , knew no bounds . but all of my own sex  one impostor , three or four years my elder , with a red whisker , on which he established an amount of presumption not to be endured  my mortal foes . we all unpacked our baskets , and employed ourselves in getting dinner ready . red whisker pretended he could make a salad which i dont believe , and obtruded himself on public notice . some of the young ladies washed the lettuces for him , and sliced them under his directions . dora was among these . i felt that fate had pitted me against this man , and one of us must fall . red whisker made his salad i wondered how they could eat it . nothing should have induced me to touch it . and voted himself into the charge of the wine cellar, , which he constructed , being an ingenious beast , in the hollow trunk of a tree . by and by , i saw him , with the majority of a lobster on his plate , eating his dinner at the feet of dora . i have but an indistinct idea of what happened for some time after this baleful object presented itself to my view . i was very merry , i know but it was hollow merriment . i attached myself to a young creature in pink , with little eyes , and flirted with her desperately . she received my attentions with favour but whether on my account solely , or because she had any designs on red whisker , i cant say . doras health was drunk . when i drank it , i affected to interrupt my conversation for that purpose , and to resume it immediately afterwards . i caught doras eye as i bowed to her , and i thought it looked appealing . but it looked at me over the head of red whisker , and i was adamant . the young creature in pink had a mother in green and i rather think the latter separated us from motives of policy . howbeit , there was a general breaking up of the party , while the remnants of the dinner were being put away and i strolled off by myself among the trees , in a raging and remorseful state . i was debating whether i should pretend that i was not well , and fly  dont know where  my gallant grey , when dora and miss mills met me . mr . copperfield , said miss mills , you are dull . i begged her pardon . not at all . and dora , said miss mills , you are dull . oh dear no . not in the least . mr . copperfield and dora , said miss mills , with an almost venerable air . enough of this . do not allow a trivial misunderstanding to wither the blossoms of spring , which , once put forth and blighted , cannot be renewed . i speak , said miss mills , from experience of the past  remote , irrevocable past . the gushing fountains which sparkle in the sun , must not be stopped in mere caprice the oasis in the desert of sahara must not be plucked up idly . i hardly knew what i did , i was burning all over to that extraordinary extent but i took doras little hand and kissed it  she let me . i kissed miss millss hand and we all seemed , to my thinking , to go straight up to the seventh heaven . we did not come down again . we stayed up there all the evening . at first we strayed to and fro among the trees i with doras shy arm drawn through mine and heaven knows , folly as it all was , it would have been a happy fate to have been struck immortal with those foolish feelings , and have stayed among the trees for ever . but , much too soon , we heard the others laughing and talking , and calling wheres dora . so we went back , and they wanted dora to sing . red whisker would have got the guitar case out of the carriage , but dora told him nobody knew where it was , but i . so red whisker was done for in a moment and i got it , and i unlocked it , and i took the guitar out , and i sat by her , and i held her handkerchief and gloves , and i drank in every note of her dear voice , and she sang to me who loved her , and all the others might applaud as much as they liked , but they had nothing to do with it . i was intoxicated with joy . i was afraid it was too happy to be real , and that i should wake in buckingham street presently , and hear mrs . crupp clinking the teacups in getting breakfast ready . but dora sang , and others sang , and miss mills sang  the slumbering echoes in the caverns of memory as if she were a hundred years old  the evening came on and we had tea , with the kettle boiling gipsy fashion and i was still as happy as ever . i was happier than ever when the party broke up , and the other people , defeated red whisker and all , went their several ways , and we went ours through the still evening and the dying light , with sweet scents rising up around us . mr . spenlow being a little drowsy after the champagne  to the soil that grew the grape , to the grape that made the wine , to the sun that ripened it , and to the merchant who adulterated it . being fast asleep in a corner of the carriage , i rode by the side and talked to dora . she admired my horse and patted him  , what a dear little hand it looked upon a horse . her shawl would not keep right , and now and then i drew it round her with my arm and i even fancied that jip began to see how it was , and to understand that he must make up his mind to be friends with me . that sagacious miss mills , too that amiable , though quite used up , recluse that little patriarch of something less than twenty , who had done with the world , and mustnt on any account have the slumbering echoes in the caverns of memory awakened what a kind thing she did . mr . copperfield , said miss mills , come to this side of the carriage a moment  you can spare a moment . i want to speak to you . behold me , on my gallant grey , bending at the side of miss mills , with my hand upon the carriage door . dora is coming to stay with me . she is coming home with me the day after tomorrow . if you would like to call , i am sure papa would be happy to see you . what could i do but invoke a silent blessing on miss millss head , and store miss millss address in the securest corner of my memory . what could i do but tell miss mills , with grateful looks and fervent words , how much i appreciated her good offices , and what an inestimable value i set upon her friendship . then miss mills benignantly dismissed me , saying , go back to dora . and i went and dora leaned out of the carriage to talk to me , and we talked all the rest of the way and i rode my gallant grey so close to the wheel that i grazed his near fore leg against it , and took the bark off , as his owner told me , to the tune of three pun sivin  i paid , and thought extremely cheap for so much joy . what time miss mills sat looking at the moon , murmuring verses  recalling , i suppose , the ancient days when she and earth had anything in common . norwood was many miles too near , and we reached it many hours too soon but mr . spenlow came to himself a little short of it , and said , you must come in , copperfield , and rest . and i consenting , we had sandwiches and wine and . in the light room , dora blushing looked so lovely , that i could not tear myself away , but sat there staring , in a dream , until the snoring of mr . spenlow inspired me with sufficient consciousness to take my leave . so we parted i riding all the way to london with the farewell touch of doras hand still light on mine , recalling every incident and word ten thousand times lying down in my own bed at last , as enraptured a young noodle as ever was carried out of his five wits by love . when i awoke next morning , i was resolute to declare my passion to dora , and know my fate . happiness or misery was now the question . there was no other question that i knew of in the world , and only dora could give the answer to it . i passed three days in a luxury of wretchedness , torturing myself by putting every conceivable variety of discouraging construction on all that ever had taken place between dora and me . at last , arrayed for the purpose at a vast expense , i went to miss millss , fraught with a declaration . how many times i went up and down the street , and round the square  aware of being a much better answer to the old riddle than the original one  i could persuade myself to go up the steps and knock , is no matter now . even when , at last , i had knocked , and was waiting at the door , i had some flurried thought of asking if that were mr . blackboys begging pardon , and retreating . but i kept my ground . mr . mills was not at home . i did not expect he would be . nobody wanted him . miss mills was at home . miss mills would do . i was shown into a room upstairs , where miss mills and dora were . jip was there . miss mills was copying music i recollect , it was a new song , called affections dirge , and dora was painting flowers . what were my feelings , when i recognized my own flowers the identical covent garden market purchase . i cannot say that they were very like , or that they particularly resembled any flowers that have ever come under my observation but i knew from the paper round them which was accurately copied , what the composition was . miss mills was very glad to see me , and very sorry her papa was not at home though i thought we all bore that with fortitude . miss mills was conversational for a few minutes , and then , laying down her pen upon affections dirge , got up , and left the room . i began to think i would put it off till tomorrow . i hope your poor horse was not tired , when he got home at night , said dora , lifting up her beautiful eyes . it was a long way for him . i began to think i would do it today . it was a long way for him , said i , for he had nothing to uphold him on the journey . wasnt he fed , poor thing . asked dora . i began to think i would put it off till tomorrow . ye yes, , i said , he was well taken care of . i mean he had not the unutterable happiness that i had in being so near you . dora bent her head over her drawing and said , after a little while  had sat , in the interval , in a burning fever , and with my legs in a very rigid state  you didnt seem to be sensible of that happiness yourself , at one time of the day . i saw now that i was in for it , and it must be done on the spot . you didnt care for that happiness in the least , said dora , slightly raising her eyebrows , and shaking her head , when you were sitting by miss kitt . kitt , i should observe , was the name of the creature in pink , with the little eyes . though certainly i dont know why you should , said dora , or why you should call it a happiness at all . but of course you dont mean what you say . and i am sure no one doubts your being at liberty to do whatever you like . jip , you naughty boy , come here . i dont know how i did it . i did it in a moment . i intercepted jip . i had dora in my arms . i was full of eloquence . i never stopped for a word . i told her how i loved her . i told her i should die without her . i told her that i idolized and worshipped her . jip barked madly all the time . when dora hung her head and cried , and trembled , my eloquence increased so much the more . if she would like me to die for her , she had but to say the word , and i was ready . life without doras love was not a thing to have on any terms . i couldnt bear it , and i wouldnt . i had loved her every minute , day and night , since i first saw her . i loved her at that minute to distraction . i should always love her , every minute , to distraction . lovers had loved before , and lovers would love again but no lover had loved , might , could , would , or should ever love , as i loved dora . the more i raved , the more jip barked . each of us , in his own way , got more mad every moment . well , . dora and i were sitting on the sofa by and by , quiet enough , and jip was lying in her lap , winking peacefully at me . it was off my mind . i was in a state of perfect rapture . dora and i were engaged . i suppose we had some notion that this was to end in marriage . we must have had some , because dora stipulated that we were never to be married without her papas consent . but , in our youthful ecstasy , i dont think that we really looked before us or behind us or had any aspiration beyond the ignorant present . we were to keep our secret from mr . spenlow but i am sure the idea never entered my head , then , that there was anything dishonourable in that . miss mills was more than usually pensive when dora , going to find her , brought her back  apprehend , because there was a tendency in what had passed to awaken the slumbering echoes in the caverns of memory . but she gave us her blessing , and the assurance of her lasting friendship , and spoke to us , generally , as became a voice from the cloister . what an idle time it was . what an insubstantial , happy , foolish time it was . when i measured doras finger for a ring that was to be made of forget me , and when the jeweller , to whom i took the measure , found me out , and laughed over his order book, , and charged me anything he liked for the pretty little toy , with its blue stones  associated in my remembrance with doras hand , that yesterday , when i saw such another , by chance , on the finger of my own daughter , there was a momentary stirring in my heart , like pain . when i walked about , exalted with my secret , and full of my own interest , and felt the dignity of loving dora , and of being beloved , so much , that if i had walked the air , i could not have been more above the people not so situated , who were creeping on the earth . when we had those meetings in the garden of the square , and sat within the dingy summer house, , so happy , that i love the london sparrows to this hour , for nothing else , and see the plumage of the tropics in their smoky feathers . when we had our first great quarrel within a week of our betrothal , and when dora sent me back the ring , enclosed in a despairing cocked hat note , wherein she used the terrible expression that our love had begun in folly , and ended in madness . which dreadful words occasioned me to tear my hair , and cry that all was over . when , under cover of the night , i flew to miss mills , whom i saw by stealth in a back kitchen where there was a mangle , and implored miss mills to interpose between us and avert insanity . when miss mills undertook the office and returned with dora , exhorting us , from the pulpit of her own bitter youth , to mutual concession , and the avoidance of the desert of sahara . when we cried , and made it up , and were so blest again , that the back kitchen , mangle and all , changed to loves own temple , where we arranged a plan of correspondence through miss mills , always to comprehend at least one letter on each side every day . what an idle time . what an insubstantial , happy , foolish time . of all the times of mine that time has in his grip , there is none that in one retrospect i can smile at half so much , and think of half so tenderly . chapter . my aunt astonishes me i wrote to agnes as soon as dora and i were engaged . i wrote her a long letter , in which i tried to make her comprehend how blest i was , and what a darling dora was . i entreated agnes not to regard this as a thoughtless passion which could ever yield to any other , or had the least resemblance to the boyish fancies that we used to joke about . i assured her that its profundity was quite unfathomable , and expressed my belief that nothing like it had ever been known . somehow , as i wrote to agnes on a fine evening by my open window , and the remembrance of her clear calm eyes and gentle face came stealing over me , it shed such a peaceful influence upon the hurry and agitation in which i had been living lately , and of which my very happiness partook in some degree , that it soothed me into tears . i remember that i sat resting my head upon my hand , when the letter was half done , cherishing a general fancy as if agnes were one of the elements of my natural home . as if , in the retirement of the house made almost sacred to me by her presence , dora and i must be happier than anywhere . as if , in love , joy , sorrow , hope , or disappointment in all emotions my heart turned naturally there , and found its refuge and best friend . of steerforth i said nothing . i only told her there had been sad grief at yarmouth , on account of emilys flight and that on me it made a double wound , by reason of the circumstances attending it . i knew how quick she always was to divine the truth , and that she would never be the first to breathe his name . to this letter , i received an answer by return of post . as i read it , i seemed to hear agnes speaking to me . it was like her cordial voice in my ears . what can i say more . while i had been away from home lately , traddles had called twice or thrice . finding peggotty within , and being informed by peggotty who always volunteered that information to whomsoever would receive it , that she was my old nurse , he had established a good humoured acquaintance with her , and had stayed to have a little chat with her about me . so peggotty said but i am afraid the chat was all on her own side , and of immoderate length , as she was very difficult indeed to stop , god bless her . when she had me for her theme . this reminds me , not only that i expected traddles on a certain afternoon of his own appointing , which was now come , but that mrs . crupp had resigned everything appertaining to her office until peggotty should cease to present herself . mrs . crupp , after holding divers conversations respecting peggotty , in a very high pitched voice , on the staircase  some invisible familiar it would appear , for corporeally speaking she was quite alone at those times  a letter to me , developing her views . beginning it with that statement of universal application , which fitted every occurrence of her life , namely , that she was a mother herself , she went on to inform me that she had once seen very different days , but that at all periods of her existence she had a constitutional objection to spies , intruders , and informers . she named no names , she said let them the cap fitted , wear it but spies , intruders , and informers , especially in widders weeds she had ever accustomed herself to look down upon . if a gentleman was the victim of spies , intruders , and informers that was his own pleasure . he had a right to please himself so let him do . all that she , mrs . crupp , stipulated for , was , that she should not be brought in contract with such persons . therefore she begged to be excused from any further attendance on the top set , until things were as they formerly was , and as they could be wished to be and further mentioned that her little book would be found upon the breakfast table every saturday morning , when she requested an immediate settlement of the same , with the benevolent view of saving trouble and an ill conwenience to all parties . after this , mrs . crupp confined herself to making pitfalls on the stairs , principally with pitchers , and endeavouring to delude peggotty into breaking her legs . i found it rather harassing to live in this state of siege , but was too much afraid of mrs . crupp to see any way out of it . my dear copperfield , cried traddles , punctually appearing at my door , in spite of all these obstacles , how do you do . my dear traddles , said i , am delighted to see you at last , and very sorry i have not been at home before . but i have been so much engaged  yes , i know , said traddles , of course . yours lives in london , i think . what did you say . she  me  d . you know , said traddles , colouring in his great delicacy , lives in london , i believe . oh yes . near london . mine , perhaps you recollect , said traddles , with a serious look , lives down in devonshire  of ten . consequently , i am not so much engaged as you  that sense . i wonder you can bear , i returned , to see her so seldom . hah . said traddles , thoughtfully . it does seem a wonder . i suppose it is , copperfield , because there is no help for it . i suppose so , i replied with a smile , and not without a blush . and because you have so much constancy and patience , traddles . dear me . said traddles , considering about it , do i strike you in that way , copperfield . really i didnt know that i had . but she is such an extraordinarily dear girl herself , that its possible she may have imparted something of those virtues to me . now you mention it , copperfield , i shouldnt wonder at all . i assure you she is always forgetting herself , and taking care of the other nine . is she the eldest . i inquired . oh dear , no , said traddles . the eldest is a beauty . he saw , i suppose , that i could not help smiling at the simplicity of this reply and added , with a smile upon his own ingenuous face not , of course , but that my sophy  name , copperfield , i always think . very pretty . said i . not , of course , but that sophy is beautiful too in my eyes , and would be one of the dearest girls that ever was , in anybodys eyes i should think . but when i say the eldest is a beauty , i mean she really is a  he seemed to be describing clouds about himself , with both hands splendid , you know , said traddles , energetically . indeed . said i . oh , i assure you , said traddles , something very uncommon , indeed . then , you know , being formed for society and admiration , and not being able to enjoy much of it in consequence of their limited means , she naturally gets a little irritable and exacting , sometimes . sophy puts her in good humour . is sophy the youngest . i hazarded . oh dear , no . said traddles , stroking his chin . the two youngest are only nine and ten . sophy educates em . the second daughter , perhaps . i hazarded . no , said traddles . sarahs the second . sarah has something the matter with her spine , poor girl . the malady will wear out by and by , the doctors say , but in the meantime she has to lie down for a twelvemonth . sophy nurses her . sophys the fourth . is the mother living . i inquired . oh yes , said traddles , she is alive . she is a very superior woman indeed , but the damp country is not adapted to her constitution , and  fact , she has lost the use of her limbs . dear me . said i . very sad , is it not . returned traddles . but in a merely domestic view it is not so bad as it might be , because sophy takes her place . she is quite as much a mother to her mother , as she is to the other nine . i felt the greatest admiration for the virtues of this young lady and , honestly with the view of doing my best to prevent the good nature of traddles from being imposed upon , to the detriment of their joint prospects in life , inquired how mr . micawber was . he is quite well , copperfield , thank you , said traddles . i am not living with him at present . no . no . you see the truth is , said traddles , in a whisper , he had changed his name to mortimer , in consequence of his temporary embarrassments and he dont come out till after dark  then in spectacles . there was an execution put into our house , for rent . mrs . micawber was in such a dreadful state that i really couldnt resist giving my name to that second bill we spoke of here . you may imagine how delightful it was to my feelings , copperfield , to see the matter settled with it , and mrs . micawber recover her spirits . hum . said i . not that her happiness was of long duration , pursued traddles , for , unfortunately , within a week another execution came in . it broke up the establishment . i have been living in a furnished apartment since then , and the mortimers have been very private indeed . i hope you wont think it selfish , copperfield , if i mention that the broker carried off my little round table with the marble top , and sophys flower pot and stand . what a hard thing . i exclaimed indignantly . it was a  was a pull , said traddles , with his usual wince at that expression . i dont mention it reproachfully , however , but with a motive . the fact is , copperfield , i was unable to repurchase them at the time of their seizure in the first place , because the broker , having an idea that i wanted them , ran the price up to an extravagant extent and , in the second place , because i  any money . now , i have kept my eye since , upon the brokers shop , said traddles , with a great enjoyment of his mystery , which is up at the top of tottenham court road , and , at last , today i find them put out for sale . i have only noticed them from over the way , because if the broker saw me , bless you , hed ask any price for them . what has occurred to me , having now the money , is , that perhaps you wouldnt object to ask that good nurse of yours to come with me to the shop  can show it her from round the corner of the next street  make the best bargain for them , as if they were for herself , that she can . the delight with which traddles propounded this plan to me , and the sense he had of its uncommon artfulness , are among the freshest things in my remembrance . i told him that my old nurse would be delighted to assist him , and that we would all three take the field together , but on one condition . that condition was , that he should make a solemn resolution to grant no more loans of his name , or anything else , to mr . micawber . my dear copperfield , said traddles , i have already done so , because i begin to feel that i have not only been inconsiderate , but that i have been positively unjust to sophy . my word being passed to myself , there is no longer any apprehension but i pledge it to you , too , with the greatest readiness . that first unlucky obligation , i have paid . i have no doubt mr . micawber would have paid it if he could , but he could not . one thing i ought to mention , which i like very much in mr . micawber , copperfield . it refers to the second obligation , which is not yet due . he dont tell me that it is provided for , but he says it will be . now , i think there is something very fair and honest about that . i was unwilling to damp my good friends confidence , and therefore assented . after a little further conversation , we went round to the chandlers shop , to enlist peggotty traddles declining to pass the evening with me , both because he endured the liveliest apprehensions that his property would be bought by somebody else before he could re purchase it , and because it was the evening he always devoted to writing to the dearest girl in the world . i never shall forget him peeping round the corner of the street in tottenham court road , while peggotty was bargaining for the precious articles or his agitation when she came slowly towards us after vainly offering a price , and was hailed by the relenting broker , and went back again . the end of the negotiation was , that she bought the property on tolerably easy terms , and traddles was transported with pleasure . i am very much obliged to you , indeed , said traddles , on hearing it was to be sent to where he lived , that night . if i might ask one other favour , i hope you would not think it absurd , copperfield . i said beforehand , certainly not . then if you would be good enough , said traddles to peggotty , to get the flower pot now , i think i should like it being sophys , copperfield to carry it home myself . peggotty was glad to get it for him , and he overwhelmed her with thanks , and went his way up tottenham court road , carrying the flower pot affectionately in his arms , with one of the most delighted expressions of countenance i ever saw . we then turned back towards my chambers . as the shops had charms for peggotty which i never knew them possess in the same degree for anybody else , i sauntered easily along , amused by her staring in at the windows , and waiting for her as often as she chose . we were thus a good while in getting to the adelphi . on our way upstairs , i called her attention to the sudden disappearance of mrs . crupps pitfalls , and also to the prints of recent footsteps . we were both very much surprised , coming higher up , to find my outer door standing open and to hear voices inside . we looked at one another , without knowing what to make of this , and went into the sitting room . what was my amazement to find , of all people upon earth , my aunt there , and mr . dick . my aunt sitting on a quantity of luggage , with her two birds before her , and her cat on her knee , like a female robinson crusoe , drinking tea . mr . dick leaning thoughtfully on a great kite , such as we had often been out together to fly , with more luggage piled about him . my dear aunt . cried i . why , what an unexpected pleasure . we cordially embraced and mr . dick and i cordially shook hands and mrs . crupp , who was busy making tea , and could not be too attentive , cordially said she had knowed well as mr . copperfull would have his heart in his mouth , when he see his dear relations . holloa . said my aunt to peggotty , who quailed before her awful presence . how are you . you remember my aunt , peggotty . said i . for the love of goodness , child , exclaimed my aunt , dont call the woman by that south sea island name . if she married and got rid of it , which was the best thing she could do , why dont you give her the benefit of the change . whats your name now  , . said my aunt , as a compromise for the obnoxious appellation . barkis , maam , said peggotty , with a curtsey . well . thats human , said my aunt . it sounds less as if you wanted a missionary . how dye do , barkis . i hope youre well . encouraged by these gracious words , and by my aunts extending her hand , barkis came forward , and took the hand , and curtseyed her acknowledgements . we are older than we were , i see , said my aunt . we have only met each other once before , you know . a nice business we made of it then . trot , my dear , another cup . i handed it dutifully to my aunt , who was in her usual inflexible state of figure and ventured a remonstrance with her on the subject of her sitting on a box . let me draw the sofa here , or the easy chair, , aunt , said i . why should you be so uncomfortable . thank you , trot , replied my aunt , i prefer to sit upon my property . here my aunt looked hard at mrs . crupp , and observed , we neednt trouble you to wait , maam . shall i put a little more tea in the pot afore i go , maam . said mrs . crupp . no , i thank you , maam , replied my aunt . would you let me fetch another pat of butter , maam . said mrs . crupp . or would you be persuaded to try a new laid hegg . or should i brile a rasher . aint there nothing i could do for your dear aunt , mr . copperfull . nothing , maam , returned my aunt . i shall do very well , i thank you . mrs . crupp , who had been incessantly smiling to express sweet temper , and incessantly holding her head on one side , to express a general feebleness of constitution , and incessantly rubbing her hands , to express a desire to be of service to all deserving objects , gradually smiled herself , one sided herself , and rubbed herself , out of the room . dick . said my aunt . you know what i told you about time servers and wealth worshippers . mr . dick  rather a scared look , as if he had forgotten it  a hasty answer in the affirmative . mrs . crupp is one of them , said my aunt . barkis , ill trouble you to look after the tea , and let me have another cup , for i dont fancy that womans pouring out . i knew my aunt sufficiently well to know that she had something of importance on her mind , and that there was far more matter in this arrival than a stranger might have supposed . i noticed how her eye lighted on me , when she thought my attention otherwise occupied and what a curious process of hesitation appeared to be going on within her , while she preserved her outward stiffness and composure . i began to reflect whether i had done anything to offend her and my conscience whispered me that i had not yet told her about dora . could it by any means be that , i wondered . as i knew she would only speak in her own good time , i sat down near her , and spoke to the birds , and played with the cat , and was as easy as i could be . but i was very far from being really easy and i should still have been so , even if mr . dick , leaning over the great kite behind my aunt , had not taken every secret opportunity of shaking his head darkly at me , and pointing at her . trot , said my aunt at last , when she had finished her tea , and carefully smoothed down her dress , and wiped her lips  neednt go , barkis . have you got to be firm and self reliant . i hope so , aunt . what do you think . inquired miss betsey . i think so , aunt . then why , my love , said my aunt , looking earnestly at me , why do you think i prefer to sit upon this property of mine tonight . i shook my head , unable to guess . because , said my aunt , its all i have . because im ruined , my dear . if the house , and every one of us , had tumbled out into the river together , i could hardly have received a greater shock . dick knows it , said my aunt , laying her hand calmly on my shoulder . i am ruined , my dear trot . all i have in the world is in this room , except the cottage and that i have left janet to let . barkis , i want to get a bed for this gentleman tonight . to save expense , perhaps you can make up something here for myself . anything will do . its only for tonight . well talk about this , more , tomorrow . i was roused from my amazement , and concern for her  am sure , for her  falling on my neck , for a moment , and crying that she only grieved for me . in another moment she suppressed this emotion and said with an aspect more triumphant than dejected we must meet reverses boldly , and not suffer them to frighten us , my dear . we must learn to act the play out . we must live misfortune down , trot . chapter . depression as soon as i could recover my presence of mind , which quite deserted me in the first overpowering shock of my aunts intelligence , i proposed to mr . dick to come round to the chandlers shop , and take possession of the bed which mr . peggotty had lately vacated . the chandlers shop being in hungerford market , and hungerford market being a very different place in those days , there was a low wooden colonnade before the door not very unlike that before the house where the little man and woman used to live , in the old weather glass, , which pleased mr . dick mightily . the glory of lodging over this structure would have compensated him , i dare say , for many inconveniences but , as there were really few to bear , beyond the compound of flavours i have already mentioned , and perhaps the want of a little more elbow room, , he was perfectly charmed with his accommodation . mrs . crupp had indignantly assured him that there wasnt room to swing a cat there but , as mr . dick justly observed to me , sitting down on the foot of the bed , nursing his leg , you know , trotwood , i dont want to swing a cat . i never do swing a cat . therefore , what does that signify to me . i tried to ascertain whether mr . dick had any understanding of the causes of this sudden and great change in my aunts affairs . as i might have expected , he had none at all . the only account he could give of it was , that my aunt had said to him , the day before yesterday , now , dick , are you really and truly the philosopher i take you for . that then he had said , yes , he hoped so . that then my aunt had said , dick , i am ruined . that then he had said , oh , indeed . that then my aunt had praised him highly , which he was glad of . and that then they had come to me , and had bottled porter and sandwiches on the road . mr . dick was so very complacent , sitting on the foot of the bed , nursing his leg , and telling me this , with his eyes wide open and a surprised smile , that i am sorry to say i was provoked into explaining to him that ruin meant distress , want , and starvation but i was soon bitterly reproved for this harshness , by seeing his face turn pale , and tears course down his lengthened cheeks , while he fixed upon me a look of such unutterable woe , that it might have softened a far harder heart than mine . i took infinitely greater pains to cheer him up again than i had taken to depress him and i soon understood as i ought to have known at first that he had been so confident , merely because of his faith in the wisest and most wonderful of women , and his unbounded reliance on my intellectual resources . the latter , i believe , he considered a match for any kind of disaster not absolutely mortal . what can we do , trotwood . said mr . dick . theres the memorial  to be sure there is , said i . but all we can do just now , mr . dick , is to keep a cheerful countenance , and not let my aunt see that we are thinking about it . he assented to this in the most earnest manner and implored me , if i should see him wandering an inch out of the right course , to recall him by some of those superior methods which were always at my command . but i regret to state that the fright i had given him proved too much for his best attempts at concealment . all the evening his eyes wandered to my aunts face , with an expression of the most dismal apprehension , as if he saw her growing thin on the spot . he was conscious of this , and put a constraint upon his head but his keeping that immovable , and sitting rolling his eyes like a piece of machinery , did not mend the matter at all . i saw him look at the loaf at supper which happened to be a small one , as if nothing else stood between us and famine and when my aunt insisted on his making his customary repast , i detected him in the act of pocketing fragments of his bread and cheese i have no doubt for the purpose of reviving us with those savings , when we should have reached an advanced stage of attenuation . my aunt , on the other hand , was in a composed frame of mind , which was a lesson to all of us  me , i am sure . she was extremely gracious to peggotty , except when i inadvertently called her by that name and , strange as i knew she felt in london , appeared quite at home . she was to have my bed , and i was to lie in the sitting room, , to keep guard over her . she made a great point of being so near the river , in case of a conflagration and i suppose really did find some satisfaction in that circumstance . trot , my dear , said my aunt , when she saw me making preparations for compounding her usual night draught, , no . nothing , aunt . not wine , my dear . ale . but there is wine here , aunt . and you always have it made of wine . keep that , in case of sickness , said my aunt . we mustnt use it carelessly , trot . ale for me . half a pint . i thought mr . dick would have fallen , insensible . my aunt being resolute , i went out and got the ale myself . as it was growing late , peggotty and mr . dick took that opportunity of repairing to the chandlers shop together . i parted from him , poor fellow , at the corner of the street , with his great kite at his back , a very monument of human misery . my aunt was walking up and down the room when i returned , crimping the borders of her nightcap with her fingers . i warmed the ale and made the toast on the usual infallible principles . when it was ready for her , she was ready for it , with her nightcap on , and the skirt of her gown turned back on her knees . my dear , said my aunt , after taking a spoonful of it its a great deal better than wine . not half so bilious . i suppose i looked doubtful , for she added tut , child . if nothing worse than ale happens to us , we are well off . i should think so myself , aunt , i am sure , said i . well , then , why dont you think so . said my aunt . because you and i are very different people , i returned . stuff and nonsense , trot . replied my aunt . my aunt went on with a quiet enjoyment , in which there was very little affectation , if any drinking the warm ale with a tea spoon, , and soaking her strips of toast in it . trot , said she , i dont care for strange faces in general , but i rather like that barkis of yours , do you know . its better than a hundred pounds to hear you say so . said i . its a most extraordinary world , observed my aunt , rubbing her nose how that woman ever got into it with that name , is unaccountable to me . it would be much more easy to be born a jackson , or something of that sort , one would think . perhaps she thinks so , too its not her fault , said i . i suppose not , returned my aunt , rather grudging the admission but its very aggravating . however , shes barkis now . thats some comfort . barkis is uncommonly fond of you , trot . there is nothing she would leave undone to prove it , said i . nothing , i believe , returned my aunt . here , the poor fool has been begging and praying about handing over some of her money  she has got too much of it . a simpleton . my aunts tears of pleasure were positively trickling down into the warm ale . shes the most ridiculous creature that ever was born , said my aunt . i knew , from the first moment when i saw her with that poor dear blessed baby of a mother of yours , that she was the most ridiculous of mortals . but there are good points in barkis . affecting to laugh , she got an opportunity of putting her hand to her eyes . having availed herself of it , she resumed her toast and her discourse together . ah . mercy upon us . sighed my aunt . i know all about it , trot . barkis and myself had quite a gossip while you were out with dick . i know all about it . i dont know where these wretched girls expect to go to , for my part . i wonder they dont knock out their brains against  mantelpieces , said my aunt an idea which was probably suggested to her by her contemplation of mine . poor emily . said i . oh , dont talk to me about poor , returned my aunt . she should have thought of that , before she caused so much misery . give me a kiss , trot . i am sorry for your early experience . as i bent forward , she put her tumbler on my knee to detain me , and said oh , trot , . and so you fancy yourself in love . do you . fancy , aunt . i exclaimed , as red as i could be . i adore her with my whole soul . dora , indeed . returned my aunt . and you mean to say the little thing is very fascinating , i suppose . my dear aunt , i replied , no one can form the least idea what she is . ah . and not silly . said my aunt . silly , aunt . i seriously believe it had never once entered my head for a single moment , to consider whether she was or not . i resented the idea , of course but i was in a manner struck by it , as a new one altogether . not light headed . said my aunt . light headed, , aunt . i could only repeat this daring speculation with the same kind of feeling with which i had repeated the preceding question . well , . said my aunt . i only ask . i dont depreciate her . poor little couple . and so you think you were formed for one another , and are to go through a party supper kind of life , like two pretty pieces of confectionery , do you , trot . she asked me this so kindly , and with such a gentle air , half playful and half sorrowful , that i was quite touched . we are young and inexperienced , aunt , i know , i replied and i dare say we say and think a good deal that is rather foolish . but we love one another truly , i am sure . if i thought dora could ever love anybody else , or cease to love me or that i could ever love anybody else , or cease to love her i dont know what i should do  out of my mind , i think . ah , trot . said my aunt , shaking her head , and smiling gravely blind , . someone that i know , trot , my aunt pursued , after a pause , though of a very pliant disposition , has an earnestness of affection in him that reminds me of poor baby . earnestness is what that somebody must look for , to sustain him and improve him , trot . deep , downright , faithful earnestness . if you only knew the earnestness of dora , aunt . i cried . oh , trot . she said again blind , . and without knowing why , i felt a vague unhappy loss or want of something overshadow me like a cloud . however , said my aunt , i dont want to put two young creatures out of conceit with themselves , or to make them unhappy so , though it is a girl and boy attachment , and girl and boy attachments very often  . i dont say always . to nothing , still well be serious about it , and hope for a prosperous issue one of these days . theres time enough for it to come to anything . this was not upon the whole very comforting to a rapturous lover but i was glad to have my aunt in my confidence , and i was mindful of her being fatigued . so i thanked her ardently for this mark of her affection , and for all her other kindnesses towards me and after a tender good night , she took her nightcap into my bedroom . how miserable i was , when i lay down . how i thought and thought about my being poor , in mr . spenlows eyes about my not being what i thought i was , when i proposed to dora about the chivalrous necessity of telling dora what my worldly condition was , and releasing her from her engagement if she thought fit about how i should contrive to live , during the long term of my articles , when i was earning nothing about doing something to assist my aunt , and seeing no way of doing anything about coming down to have no money in my pocket , and to wear a shabby coat , and to be able to carry dora no little presents , and to ride no gallant greys , and to show myself in no agreeable light . sordid and selfish as i knew it was , and as i tortured myself by knowing that it was , to let my mind run on my own distress so much , i was so devoted to dora that i could not help it . i knew that it was base in me not to think more of my aunt , and less of myself but , so far , selfishness was inseparable from dora , and i could not put dora on one side for any mortal creature . how exceedingly miserable i was , that night . as to sleep , i had dreams of poverty in all sorts of shapes , but i seemed to dream without the previous ceremony of going to sleep . now i was ragged , wanting to sell dora matches , six bundles for a halfpenny now i was at the office in a nightgown and boots , remonstrated with by mr . spenlow on appearing before the clients in that airy attire now i was hungrily picking up the crumbs that fell from old tiffeys daily biscuit , regularly eaten when st . pauls struck one now i was hopelessly endeavouring to get a licence to marry dora , having nothing but one of uriah heeps gloves to offer in exchange , which the whole commons rejected and still , more or less conscious of my own room , i was always tossing about like a distressed ship in a sea of bed clothes . my aunt was restless , too , for i frequently heard her walking to and fro . two or three times in the course of the night , attired in a long flannel wrapper in which she looked seven feet high , she appeared , like a disturbed ghost , in my room , and came to the side of the sofa on which i lay . on the first occasion i started up in alarm , to learn that she inferred from a particular light in the sky , that westminster abbey was on fire and to be consulted in reference to the probability of its igniting buckingham street , in case the wind changed . lying still , after that , i found that she sat down near me , whispering to herself poor boy . and then it made me twenty times more wretched , to know how unselfishly mindful she was of me , and how selfishly mindful i was of myself . it was difficult to believe that a night so long to me , could be short to anybody else . this consideration set me thinking and thinking of an imaginary party where people were dancing the hours away , until that became a dream too , and i heard the music incessantly playing one tune , and saw dora incessantly dancing one dance , without taking the least notice of me . the man who had been playing the harp all night , was trying in vain to cover it with an ordinary sized nightcap , when i awoke or i should rather say , when i left off trying to go to sleep , and saw the sun shining in through the window at last . there was an old roman bath in those days at the bottom of one of the streets out of the strand  may be there still  which i have had many a cold plunge . dressing myself as quietly as i could , and leaving peggotty to look after my aunt , i tumbled head foremost into it , and then went for a walk to hampstead . i had a hope that this brisk treatment might freshen my wits a little and i think it did them good , for i soon came to the conclusion that the first step i ought to take was , to try if my articles could be cancelled and the premium recovered . i got some breakfast on the heath , and walked back to doctors commons , along the watered roads and through a pleasant smell of summer flowers , growing in gardens and carried into town on hucksters heads , intent on this first effort to meet our altered circumstances . i arrived at the office so soon , after all , that i had half an hours loitering about the commons , before old tiffey , who was always first , appeared with his key . then i sat down in my shady corner , looking up at the sunlight on the opposite chimney pots, , and thinking about dora until mr . spenlow came in , crisp and curly . how are you , copperfield . said he . fine morning . beautiful morning , sir , said i . could i say a word to you before you go into court . by all means , said he . come into my room . i followed him into his room , and he began putting on his gown , and touching himself up before a little glass he had , hanging inside a closet door . i am sorry to say , said i , that i have some rather disheartening intelligence from my aunt . no . said he . dear me . not paralysis , i hope . it has no reference to her health , sir , i replied . she has met with some large losses . in fact , she has very little left , indeed . you as tound me , copperfield . cried mr . spenlow . i shook my head . indeed , sir , said i , her affairs are so changed , that i wished to ask you whether it would be possible  a sacrifice on our part of some portion of the premium , of course , i put in this , on the spur of the moment , warned by the blank expression of his face  cancel my articles . what it cost me to make this proposal , nobody knows . it was like asking , as a favour , to be sentenced to transportation from dora . to cancel your articles , copperfield . cancel . i explained with tolerable firmness , that i really did not know where my means of subsistence were to come from , unless i could earn them for myself . i had no fear for the future , i said  i laid great emphasis on that , as if to imply that i should still be decidedly eligible for a son in one of these days  , for the present , i was thrown upon my own resources . i am extremely sorry to hear this , copperfield , said mr . spenlow . extremely sorry . it is not usual to cancel articles for any such reason . it is not a professional course of proceeding . it is not a convenient precedent at all . far from it . at the same time  you are very good , sir , i murmured , anticipating a concession . not at all . dont mention it , said mr . spenlow . at the same time , i was going to say , if it had been my lot to have my hands unfettered  i had not a partner  . jorkins  my hopes were dashed in a moment , but i made another effort . do you think , sir , said i , if i were to mention it to mr . jorkins  mr . spenlow shook his head discouragingly . heaven forbid , copperfield , he replied , that i should do any man an injustice still less , mr . jorkins . but i know my partner , copperfield . mr . jorkins is not a man to respond to a proposition of this peculiar nature . mr . jorkins is very difficult to move from the beaten track . you know what he is . i am sure i knew nothing about him , except that he had originally been alone in the business , and now lived by himself in a house near montagu square , which was fearfully in want of painting that he came very late of a day , and went away very early that he never appeared to be consulted about anything and that he had a dingy little black hole of his own upstairs , where no business was ever done , and where there was a yellow old cartridge paper pad upon his desk , unsoiled by ink , and reported to be twenty years of age . would you object to my mentioning it to him , sir . i asked . by no means , said mr . spenlow . but i have some experience of mr . jorkins , copperfield . i wish it were otherwise , for i should be happy to meet your views in any respect . i cannot have the objection to your mentioning it to mr . jorkins , copperfield , if you think it worth while . availing myself of this permission , which was given with a warm shake of the hand , i sat thinking about dora , and looking at the sunlight stealing from the chimney pots down the wall of the opposite house , until mr . jorkins came . i then went up to mr . jorkinss room , and evidently astonished mr . jorkins very much by making my appearance there . come in , mr . copperfield , said mr . jorkins . come in . i went in , and sat down and stated my case to mr . jorkins pretty much as i had stated it to mr . spenlow . mr . jorkins was not by any means the awful creature one might have expected , but a large , mild , smooth faced man of sixty , who took so much snuff that there was a tradition in the commons that he lived principally on that stimulant , having little room in his system for any other article of diet . you have mentioned this to mr . spenlow , i suppose . said mr . jorkins when he had heard me , very restlessly , to an end . i answered yes , and told him that mr . spenlow had introduced his name . he said i should object . asked mr . jorkins . i was obliged to admit that mr . spenlow had considered it probable . i am sorry to say , mr . copperfield , i cant advance your object , said mr . jorkins , nervously . the fact is  i have an appointment at the bank , if youll have the goodness to excuse me . with that he rose in a great hurry , and was going out of the room , when i made bold to say that i feared , then , there was no way of arranging the matter . no . said mr . jorkins , stopping at the door to shake his head . oh , no . i object , you know , which he said very rapidly , and went out . you must be aware , mr . copperfield , he added , looking restlessly in at the door again , if mr . spenlow objects  personally , he does not object , sir , said i . oh . personally . repeated mr . jorkins , in an impatient manner . i assure you theres an objection , mr . copperfield . hopeless . what you wish to be done , cant be done . i  really have got an appointment at the bank . with that he fairly ran away and to the best of my knowledge , it was three days before he showed himself in the commons again . being very anxious to leave no stone unturned , i waited until mr . spenlow came in , and then described what had passed giving him to understand that i was not hopeless of his being able to soften the adamantine jorkins , if he would undertake the task . copperfield , returned mr . spenlow , with a gracious smile , you have not known my partner , mr . jorkins , as long as i have . nothing is farther from my thoughts than to attribute any degree of artifice to mr . jorkins . but mr . jorkins has a way of stating his objections which often deceives people . no , copperfield . shaking his head . mr . jorkins is not to be moved , believe me . i was completely bewildered between mr . spenlow and mr . jorkins , as to which of them really was the objecting partner but i saw with sufficient clearness that there was obduracy somewhere in the firm , and that the recovery of my aunts thousand pounds was out of the question . in a state of despondency , which i remember with anything but satisfaction , for i know it still had too much reference to myself i left the office , and went homeward . i was trying to familiarize my mind with the worst , and to present to myself the arrangements we should have to make for the future in their sternest aspect , when a hackney chariot coming after me , and stopping at my very feet , occasioned me to look up . a fair hand was stretched forth to me from the window and the face i had never seen without a feeling of serenity and happiness , from the moment when it first turned back on the old oak staircase with the great broad balustrade , and when i associated its softened beauty with the stained glass window in the church , was smiling on me . agnes . i joyfully exclaimed . oh , my dear agnes , of all people in the world , what a pleasure to see you . is it , indeed . she said , in her cordial voice . i want to talk to you so much . said i . its such a lightening of my heart , only to look at you . if i had a conjurors cap , there is no one i should have wished for but you . what . returned agnes . well . perhaps dora first , i admitted , with a blush . certainly , dora first , i hope , said agnes , laughing . but you next . said i . where are you going . she was going to my rooms to see my aunt . the day being very fine , she was glad to come out of the chariot , which smelt i had my head in it all this time like a stable put under a cucumber frame . i dismissed the coachman , and she took my arm , and we walked on together . she was like hope embodied , to me . how different i felt in one short minute , having agnes at my side . my aunt had written her one of the odd , abrupt notes  little longer than a bank note  which her epistolary efforts were usually limited . she had stated therein that she had fallen into adversity , and was leaving dover for good , but had quite made up her mind to it , and was so well that nobody need be uncomfortable about her . agnes had come to london to see my aunt , between whom and herself there had been a mutual liking these many years indeed , it dated from the time of my taking up my residence in mr . wickfields house . she was not alone , she said . her papa was with her  uriah heep . and now they are partners , said i . confound him . yes , said agnes . they have some business here and i took advantage of their coming , to come too . you must not think my visit all friendly and disinterested , trotwood , for  am afraid i may be cruelly prejudiced  do not like to let papa go away alone , with him . does he exercise the same influence over mr . wickfield still , agnes . agnes shook her head . there is such a change at home , said she , that you would scarcely know the dear old house . they live with us now . they . said i . mr . heep and his mother . he sleeps in your old room , said agnes , looking up into my face . i wish i had the ordering of his dreams , said i . he wouldnt sleep there long . i keep my own little room , said agnes , where i used to learn my lessons . how the time goes . you remember . the little panelled room that opens from the drawing room . remember , agnes . when i saw you , for the first time , coming out at the door , with your quaint little basket of keys hanging at your side . it is just the same , said agnes , smiling . i am glad you think of it so pleasantly . we were very happy . we were , indeed , said i . i keep that room to myself still but i cannot always desert mrs . heep , you know . and so , said agnes , quietly , i feel obliged to bear her company , when i might prefer to be alone . but i have no other reason to complain of her . if she tires me , sometimes , by her praises of her son , it is only natural in a mother . he is a very good son to her . i looked at agnes when she said these words , without detecting in her any consciousness of uriahs design . her mild but earnest eyes met mine with their own beautiful frankness , and there was no change in her gentle face . the chief evil of their presence in the house , said agnes , is that i cannot be as near papa as i could wish  heep being so much between us  cannot watch over him , if that is not too bold a thing to say , as closely as i would . but if any fraud or treachery is practising against him , i hope that simple love and truth will be strong in the end . i hope that real love and truth are stronger in the end than any evil or misfortune in the world . a certain bright smile , which i never saw on any other face , died away , even while i thought how good it was , and how familiar it had once been to me and she asked me , with a quick change of expression we were drawing very near my street , if i knew how the reverse in my aunts circumstances had been brought about . on my replying no , she had not told me yet , agnes became thoughtful , and i fancied i felt her arm tremble in mine . we found my aunt alone , in a state of some excitement . a difference of opinion had arisen between herself and mrs . crupp , on an abstract question and my aunt , utterly indifferent to spasms on the part of mrs . crupp , had cut the dispute short , by informing that lady that she smelt of my brandy , and that she would trouble her to walk out . both of these expressions mrs . crupp considered actionable , and had expressed her intention of bringing before a british judy  , it was supposed , the bulwark of our national liberties . my aunt , however , having had time to cool , while peggotty was out showing mr . dick the soldiers at the horse guards  being , besides , greatly pleased to see agnes  plumed herself on the affair than otherwise , and received us with unimpaired good humour . when agnes laid her bonnet on the table , and sat down beside her , i could not but think , looking on her mild eyes and her radiant forehead , how natural it seemed to have her there how trustfully , although she was so young and inexperienced , my aunt confided in her how strong she was , indeed , in simple love and truth . we began to talk about my aunts losses , and i told them what i had tried to do that morning . which was injudicious , trot , said my aunt , but well meant . you are a generous boy  suppose i must say , young man , now  i am proud of you , my dear . so far , so good . now , trot and agnes , let us look the case of betsey trotwood in the face , and see how it stands . i observed agnes turn pale , as she looked very attentively at my aunt . my aunt , patting her cat , looked very attentively at agnes . betsey trotwood , said my aunt , who had always kept her money matters to herself . dont mean your sister , trot , my dear , but myself  a certain property . it dont matter how much enough to live on . more for she had saved a little , and added to it . betsey funded her property for some time , and then , by the advice of her man of business , laid it out on landed security . that did very well , and returned very good interest , till betsey was paid off . i am talking of betsey as if she was a man of . well . then , betsey had to look about her , for a new investment . she thought she was wiser , now , than her man of business , who was not such a good man of business by this time , as he used to be  am alluding to your father , agnes  she took it into her head to lay it out for herself . so she took her pigs , said my aunt , to a foreign market and a very bad market it turned out to be . first , she lost in the mining way , and then she lost in the diving way  up treasure , or some such tom tiddler nonsense , explained my aunt , rubbing her nose and then she lost in the mining way again , and , last of all , to set the thing entirely to rights , she lost in the banking way . i dont know what the bank shares were worth for a little while , said my aunt cent per cent was the lowest of it , i believe but the bank was at the other end of the world , and tumbled into space , for what i know anyhow , it fell to pieces , and never will and never can pay sixpence and betseys sixpences were all there , and theres an end of them . least said , soonest mended . my aunt concluded this philosophical summary , by fixing her eyes with a kind of triumph on agnes , whose colour was gradually returning . dear miss trotwood , is that all the history . said agnes . i hope its enough , child , said my aunt . if there had been more money to lose , it wouldnt have been all , i dare say . betsey would have contrived to throw that after the rest , and make another chapter , i have little doubt . but there was no more money , and theres no more story . agnes had listened at first with suspended breath . her colour still came and went , but she breathed more freely . i thought i knew why . i thought she had some fear that her unhappy father might be in some way to blame for what had happened . my aunt took her hand in hers , and laughed . is that all . repeated my aunt . why , yes , thats all , except , and she lived happy ever afterwards . perhaps i may add that of betsey yet , one of these days . now , agnes , you have a wise head . so have you , trot , in some things , though i cant compliment you always and here my aunt shook her own at me , with an energy peculiar to herself . whats to be done . heres the cottage , taking one time with another , will produce say seventy pounds a year . i think we may safely put it down at that . well . all weve got , said my aunt with whom it was an idiosyncrasy , as it is with some horses , to stop very short when she appeared to be in a fair way of going on for a long while . then , said my aunt , after a rest , theres dick . hes good for a hundred a year, , but of course that must be expended on himself . i would sooner send him away , though i know i am the only person who appreciates him , than have him , and not spend his money on himself . how can trot and i do best , upon our means . what do you say , agnes . i say , aunt , i interposed , that i must do something . go for a soldier , do you mean . returned my aunt , alarmed or go to sea . i wont hear of it . you are to be a proctor . were not going to have any knockings on the head in this family , if you please , sir . i was about to explain that i was not desirous of introducing that mode of provision into the family , when agnes inquired if my rooms were held for any long term . you come to the point , my dear , said my aunt . they are not to be got rid of , for six months at least , unless they could be underlet , and that i dont believe . the last man died here . five people out of six would die  course  that woman in nankeen with the flannel petticoat . i have a little ready money and i agree with you , the best thing we can do , is , to live the term out here , and get a bedroom hard by . i thought it my duty to hint at the discomfort my aunt would sustain , from living in a continual state of guerilla warfare with mrs . crupp but she disposed of that objection summarily by declaring that , on the first demonstration of hostilities , she was prepared to astonish mrs . crupp for the whole remainder of her natural life . i have been thinking , trotwood , said agnes , diffidently , that if you had time  i have a good deal of time , agnes . i am always disengaged after four or five oclock , and i have time early in the morning . in one way and another , said i , conscious of reddening a little as i thought of the hours and hours i had devoted to fagging about town , and to and fro upon the norwood road , i have abundance of time . i know you would not mind , said agnes , coming to me , and speaking in a low voice , so full of sweet and hopeful consideration that i hear it now , the duties of a secretary . mind , my dear agnes . because , continued agnes , doctor strong has acted on his intention of retiring , and has come to live in london and he asked papa , i know , if he could recommend him one . dont you think he would rather have his favourite old pupil near him , than anybody else . dear agnes . said i . what should i do without you . you are always my good angel . i told you so . i never think of you in any other light . agnes answered with her pleasant laugh , that one good angel meaning dora was enough and went on to remind me that the doctor had been used to occupy himself in his study , early in the morning , and in the evening  that probably my leisure would suit his requirements very well . i was scarcely more delighted with the prospect of earning my own bread , than with the hope of earning it under my old master in short , acting on the advice of agnes , i sat down and wrote a letter to the doctor , stating my object , and appointing to call on him next day at ten in the forenoon . this i addressed to highgate  in that place , so memorable to me , he lived  went and posted , myself , without losing a minute . wherever agnes was , some agreeable token of her noiseless presence seemed inseparable from the place . when i came back , i found my aunts birds hanging , just as they had hung so long in the parlour window of the cottage and my easy chair imitating my aunts much easier chair in its position at the open window and even the round green fan , which my aunt had brought away with her , screwed on to the window sill . i knew who had done all this , by its seeming to have quietly done itself and i should have known in a moment who had arranged my neglected books in the old order of my school days , even if i had supposed agnes to be miles away , instead of seeing her busy with them , and smiling at the disorder into which they had fallen . my aunt was quite gracious on the subject of the thames it really did look very well with the sun upon it , though not like the sea before the cottage , but she could not relent towards the london smoke , which , she said , peppered everything . a complete revolution , in which peggotty bore a prominent part , was being effected in every corner of my rooms , in regard of this pepper and i was looking on , thinking how little even peggotty seemed to do with a good deal of bustle , and how much agnes did without any bustle at all , when a knock came at the door . i think , said agnes , turning pale , its papa . he promised me that he would come . i opened the door , and admitted , not only mr . wickfield , but uriah heep . i had not seen mr . wickfield for some time . i was prepared for a great change in him , after what i had heard from agnes , but his appearance shocked me . it was not that he looked many years older , though still dressed with the old scrupulous cleanliness or that there was an unwholesome ruddiness upon his face or that his eyes were full and bloodshot or that there was a nervous trembling in his hand , the cause of which i knew , and had for some years seen at work . it was not that he had lost his good looks , or his old bearing of a gentleman  that he had not  the thing that struck me most , was , that with the evidences of his native superiority still upon him , he should submit himself to that crawling impersonation of meanness , uriah heep . the reversal of the two natures , in their relative positions , uriahs of power and mr . wickfields of dependence , was a sight more painful to me than i can express . if i had seen an ape taking command of a man , i should hardly have thought it a more degrading spectacle . he appeared to be only too conscious of it himself . when he came in , he stood still and with his head bowed , as if he felt it . this was only for a moment for agnes softly said to him , papa . here is miss trotwood  whom you have not seen for a long while . and then he approached , and constrainedly gave my aunt his hand , and shook hands more cordially with me . in the moments pause i speak of , i saw uriahs countenance form itself into a most ill favoured smile . agnes saw it too , i think , for she shrank from him . what my aunt saw , or did not see , i defy the science of physiognomy to have made out , without her own consent . i believe there never was anybody with such an imperturbable countenance when she chose . her face might have been a dead wall on the occasion in question , for any light it threw upon her thoughts until she broke silence with her usual abruptness . well , wickfield . said my aunt and he looked up at her for the first time . i have been telling your daughter how well i have been disposing of my money for myself , because i couldnt trust it to you , as you were growing rusty in business matters . we have been taking counsel together , and getting on very well , all things considered . agnes is worth the whole firm , in my opinion . if i may umbly make the remark , said uriah heep , with a writhe , i fully agree with miss betsey trotwood , and should be only too appy if miss agnes was a partner . youre a partner yourself , you know , returned my aunt , and thats about enough for you , i expect . how do you find yourself , sir . in acknowledgement of this question , addressed to him with extraordinary curtness , mr . heep , uncomfortably clutching the blue bag he carried , replied that he was pretty well , he thanked my aunt , and hoped she was the same . and you , master  should say , mister copperfield , pursued uriah . i hope i see you well . i am rejoiced to see you , mister copperfield , even under present circumstances . i believed that for he seemed to relish them very much . present circumstances is not what your friends would wish for you , mister copperfield , but it isnt money makes the man its  am really unequal with my umble powers to express what it is , said uriah , with a fawning jerk , but it isnt money . here he shook hands with me not in the common way , but standing at a good distance from me , and lifting my hand up and down like a pump handle , that he was a little afraid of . and how do you think we are looking , master copperfield  , should say , mister . fawned uriah . dont you find mr . wickfield blooming , sir . years dont tell much in our firm , master copperfield , except in raising up the umble , namely , mother and self  in developing , he added , as an afterthought , the beautiful , namely , miss agnes . he jerked himself about , after this compliment , in such an intolerable manner , that my aunt , who had sat looking straight at him , lost all patience . deuce take the man . said my aunt , sternly , whats he about . dont be galvanic , sir . i ask your pardon , miss trotwood , returned uriah im aware youre nervous . go along with you , sir . said my aunt , anything but appeased . dont presume to say so . i am nothing of the sort . if youre an eel , sir , conduct yourself like one . if youre a man , control your limbs , sir . good god . said my aunt , with great indignation , i am not going to be serpentined and corkscrewed out of my senses . mr . heep was rather abashed , as most people might have been , by this explosion which derived great additional force from the indignant manner in which my aunt afterwards moved in her chair , and shook her head as if she were making snaps or bounces at him . but he said to me aside in a meek voice i am well aware , master copperfield , that miss trotwood , though an excellent lady , has a quick temper indeed i think i had the pleasure of knowing her , when i was a numble clerk , before you did , master copperfield , and its only natural , i am sure , that it should be made quicker by present circumstances . the wonder is , that it isnt much worse . i only called to say that if there was anything we could do , in present circumstances , mother or self , or wickfield and heep  , should be really glad . i may go so far . said uriah , with a sickly smile at his partner . uriah heep , said mr . wickfield , in a monotonous forced way , is active in the business , trotwood . what he says , i quite concur in . you know i had an old interest in you . apart from that , what uriah says i quite concur in . oh , what a reward it is , said uriah , drawing up one leg , at the risk of bringing down upon himself another visitation from my aunt , to be so trusted in . but i hope i am able to do something to relieve him from the fatigues of business , master copperfield . uriah heep is a great relief to me , said mr . wickfield , in the same dull voice . its a load off my mind , trotwood , to have such a partner . the red fox made him say all this , i knew , to exhibit him to me in the light he had indicated on the night when he poisoned my rest . i saw the same ill favoured smile upon his face again , and saw how he watched me . you are not going , papa . said agnes , anxiously . will you not walk back with trotwood and me . he would have looked to uriah , i believe , before replying , if that worthy had not anticipated him . i am bespoke myself , said uriah , on business otherwise i should have been appy to have kept with my friends . but i leave my partner to represent the firm . miss agnes , ever yours . i wish you good day, , master copperfield , and leave my umble respects for miss betsey trotwood . with those words , he retired , kissing his great hand , and leering at us like a mask . we sat there , talking about our pleasant old canterbury days , an hour or two . mr . wickfield , left to agnes , soon became more like his former self though there was a settled depression upon him , which he never shook off . for all that , he brightened and had an evident pleasure in hearing us recall the little incidents of our old life , many of which he remembered very well . he said it was like those times , to be alone with agnes and me again and he wished to heaven they had never changed . i am sure there was an influence in the placid face of agnes , and in the very touch of her hand upon his arm , that did wonders for him . my aunt who was busy nearly all this while with peggotty , in the inner room would not accompany us to the place where they were staying , but insisted on my going and i went . we dined together . after dinner , agnes sat beside him , as of old , and poured out his wine . he took what she gave him , and no more  a child  we all three sat together at a window as the evening gathered in . when it was almost dark , he lay down on a sofa , agnes pillowing his head and bending over him a little while and when she came back to the window , it was not so dark but i could see tears glittering in her eyes . i pray heaven that i never may forget the dear girl in her love and truth , at that time of my life for if i should , i must be drawing near the end , and then i would desire to remember her best . she filled my heart with such good resolutions , strengthened my weakness so , by her example , so directed  know not how , she was too modest and gentle to advise me in many words  wandering ardour and unsettled purpose within me , that all the little good i have done , and all the harm i have forborne , i solemnly believe i may refer to her . and how she spoke to me of dora , sitting at the window in the dark listened to my praises of her praised again and round the little fairy figure shed some glimpses of her own pure light , that made it yet more precious and more innocent to me . oh , agnes , sister of my boyhood , if i had known then , what i knew long afterwards  . there was a beggar in the street , when i went down and as i turned my head towards the window , thinking of her calm seraphic eyes , he made me start by muttering , as if he were an echo of the morning blind . blind . blind . chapter . enthusiasm i began the next day with another dive into the roman bath , and then started for highgate . i was not dispirited now . i was not afraid of the shabby coat , and had no yearnings after gallant greys . my whole manner of thinking of our late misfortune was changed . what i had to do , was , to show my aunt that her past goodness to me had not been thrown away on an insensible , ungrateful object . what i had to do , was , to turn the painful discipline of my younger days to account , by going to work with a resolute and steady heart . what i had to do , was , to take my woodmans axe in my hand , and clear my own way through the forest of difficulty , by cutting down the trees until i came to dora . and i went on at a mighty rate , as if it could be done by walking . when i found myself on the familiar highgate road , pursuing such a different errand from that old one of pleasure , with which it was associated , it seemed as if a complete change had come on my whole life . but that did not discourage me . with the new life , came new purpose , new intention . great was the labour priceless the reward . dora was the reward , and dora must be won . i got into such a transport , that i felt quite sorry my coat was not a little shabby already . i wanted to be cutting at those trees in the forest of difficulty , under circumstances that should prove my strength . i had a good mind to ask an old man , in wire spectacles , who was breaking stones upon the road , to lend me his hammer for a little while , and let me begin to beat a path to dora out of granite . i stimulated myself into such a heat , and got so out of breath , that i felt as if i had been earning i dont know how much . in this state , i went into a cottage that i saw was to let , and examined it narrowly  , i felt it necessary to be practical . it would do for me and dora admirably with a little front garden for jip to run about in , and bark at the tradespeople through the railings , and a capital room upstairs for my aunt . i came out again , hotter and faster than ever , and dashed up to highgate , at such a rate that i was there an hour too early and , though i had not been , should have been obliged to stroll about to cool myself , before i was at all presentable . my first care , after putting myself under this necessary course of preparation , was to find the doctors house . it was not in that part of highgate where mrs . steerforth lived , but quite on the opposite side of the little town . when i had made this discovery , i went back , in an attraction i could not resist , to a lane by mrs . steerforths , and looked over the corner of the garden wall . his room was shut up close . the conservatory doors were standing open , and rosa dartle was walking , bareheaded , with a quick , impetuous step , up and down a gravel walk on one side of the lawn . she gave me the idea of some fierce thing , that was dragging the length of its chain to and fro upon a beaten track , and wearing its heart out . i came softly away from my place of observation , and avoiding that part of the neighbourhood , and wishing i had not gone near it , strolled about until it was ten oclock . the church with the slender spire , that stands on the top of the hill now , was not there then to tell me the time . an old red brick mansion , used as a school , was in its place and a fine old house it must have been to go to school at , as i recollect it . when i approached the doctors cottage  pretty old place , on which he seemed to have expended some money , if i might judge from the embellishments and repairs that had the look of being just completed  saw him walking in the garden at the side , gaiters and all , as if he had never left off walking since the days of my pupilage . he had his old companions about him , too for there were plenty of high trees in the neighbourhood , and two or three rooks were on the grass , looking after him , as if they had been written to about him by the canterbury rooks , and were observing him closely in consequence . knowing the utter hopelessness of attracting his attention from that distance , i made bold to open the gate , and walk after him , so as to meet him when he should turn round . when he did , and came towards me , he looked at me thoughtfully for a few moments , evidently without thinking about me at all and then his benevolent face expressed extraordinary pleasure , and he took me by both hands . why , my dear copperfield , said the doctor , you are a man . how do you do . i am delighted to see you . my dear copperfield , how very much you have improved . you are quite  me . i hoped he was well , and mrs . strong too . oh dear , yes . said the doctor annies quite well , and shell be delighted to see you . you were always her favourite . she said so , last night , when i showed her your letter . and  , to be sure  recollect mr . jack maldon , copperfield . perfectly , sir . of course , said the doctor . to be sure . hes pretty well , too . has he come home , sir . i inquired . from india . said the doctor . yes . mr . jack maldon couldnt bear the climate , my dear . mrs . markleham  have not forgotten mrs . markleham . forgotten the old soldier . and in that short time . mrs . markleham , said the doctor , was quite vexed about him , poor thing so we have got him at home again and we have bought him a little patent place , which agrees with him much better . i knew enough of mr . jack maldon to suspect from this account that it was a place where there was not much to do , and which was pretty well paid . the doctor , walking up and down with his hand on my shoulder , and his kind face turned encouragingly to mine , went on now , my dear copperfield , in reference to this proposal of yours . its very gratifying and agreeable to me , i am sure but dont you think you could do better . you achieved distinction , you know , when you were with us . you are qualified for many good things . you have laid a foundation that any edifice may be raised upon and is it not a pity that you should devote the spring time of your life to such a poor pursuit as i can offer . i became very glowing again , and , expressing myself in a rhapsodical style , i am afraid , urged my request strongly reminding the doctor that i had already a profession . well , said the doctor , thats true . certainly , your having a profession , and being actually engaged in studying it , makes a difference . but , my good young friend , whats seventy pounds a year . it doubles our income , doctor strong , said i . dear me . replied the doctor . to think of that . not that i mean to say its rigidly limited to seventy pounds a year, , because i have always contemplated making any young friend i might thus employ , a present too . undoubtedly , said the doctor , still walking me up and down with his hand on my shoulder . i have always taken an annual present into account . my dear tutor , said i to whom i owe more obligations already than i ever can acknowledge  no , interposed the doctor . pardon me . if you will take such time as i have , and that is my mornings and evenings , and can think it worth seventy pounds a year , you will do me such a service as i cannot express . dear me . said the doctor , innocently . to think that so little should go for so much . dear , . and when you can do better , you will . on your word , now . said the doctor  , he had always made a very grave appeal to the honour of us boys . on my word , sir . i returned , answering in our old school manner . then be it so , said the doctor , clapping me on the shoulder , and still keeping his hand there , as we still walked up and down . and i shall be twenty times happier , sir , said i , with a little  hope innocent  , if my employment is to be on the dictionary . the doctor stopped , smilingly clapped me on the shoulder again , and exclaimed , with a triumph most delightful to behold , as if i had penetrated to the profoundest depths of mortal sagacity , my dear young friend , you have hit it . it is the dictionary . how could it be anything else . his pockets were as full of it as his head . it was sticking out of him in all directions . he told me that since his retirement from scholastic life , he had been advancing with it wonderfully and that nothing could suit him better than the proposed arrangements for morning and evening work , as it was his custom to walk about in the daytime with his considering cap on . his papers were in a little confusion , in consequence of mr . jack maldon having lately proffered his occasional services as an amanuensis , and not being accustomed to that occupation but we should soon put right what was amiss , and go on swimmingly . afterwards , when we were fairly at our work , i found mr . jack maldons efforts more troublesome to me than i had expected , as he had not confined himself to making numerous mistakes , but had sketched so many soldiers , and ladies heads , over the doctors manuscript , that i often became involved in labyrinths of obscurity . the doctor was quite happy in the prospect of our going to work together on that wonderful performance , and we settled to begin next morning at seven oclock . we were to work two hours every morning , and two or three hours every night , except on saturdays , when i was to rest . on sundays , of course , i was to rest also , and i considered these very easy terms . our plans being thus arranged to our mutual satisfaction , the doctor took me into the house to present me to mrs . strong , whom we found in the doctors new study , dusting his books  , freedom which he never permitted anybody else to take with those sacred favourites . they had postponed their breakfast on my account , and we sat down to table together . we had not been seated long , when i saw an approaching arrival in mrs . strongs face , before i heard any sound of it . a gentleman on horseback came to the gate , and leading his horse into the little court , with the bridle over his arm , as if he were quite at home , tied him to a ring in the empty coach house wall , and came into the breakfast parlour , whip in hand . it was mr . jack maldon and mr . jack maldon was not at all improved by india , i thought . i was in a state of ferocious virtue , however , as to young men who were not cutting down trees in the forest of difficulty and my impression must be received with due allowance . mr . jack . said the doctor . copperfield . mr . jack maldon shook hands with me but not very warmly , i believed and with an air of languid patronage , at which i secretly took great umbrage . but his languor altogether was quite a wonderful sight except when he addressed himself to his cousin annie . have you breakfasted this morning , mr . jack . said the doctor . i hardly ever take breakfast , sir , he replied , with his head thrown back in an easy chair . i find it bores me . is there any news today . inquired the doctor . nothing at all , sir , replied mr . maldon . theres an account about the people being hungry and discontented down in the north , but they are always being hungry and discontented somewhere . the doctor looked grave , and said , as though he wished to change the subject , then theres no news at all and no news , they say , is good news . theres a long statement in the papers , sir , about a murder , observed mr . maldon . but somebody is always being murdered , and i didnt read it . a display of indifference to all the actions and passions of mankind was not supposed to be such a distinguished quality at that time , i think , as i have observed it to be considered since . i have known it very fashionable indeed . i have seen it displayed with such success , that i have encountered some fine ladies and gentlemen who might as well have been born caterpillars . perhaps it impressed me the more then , because it was new to me , but it certainly did not tend to exalt my opinion of , or to strengthen my confidence in , mr . jack maldon . i came out to inquire whether annie would like to go to the opera tonight , said mr . maldon , turning to her . its the last good night there will be , this season and theres a singer there , whom she really ought to hear . she is perfectly exquisite . besides which , she is so charmingly ugly , relapsing into languor . the doctor , ever pleased with what was likely to please his young wife , turned to her and said you must go , annie . you must go . i would rather not , she said to the doctor . i prefer to remain at home . i would much rather remain at home . without looking at her cousin , she then addressed me , and asked me about agnes , and whether she should see her , and whether she was not likely to come that day and was so much disturbed , that i wondered how even the doctor , buttering his toast , could be blind to what was so obvious . but he saw nothing . he told her , good naturedly, , that she was young and ought to be amused and entertained , and must not allow herself to be made dull by a dull old fellow . moreover , he said , he wanted to hear her sing all the new singers songs to him and how could she do that well , unless she went . so the doctor persisted in making the engagement for her , and mr . jack maldon was to come back to dinner . this concluded , he went to his patent place , i suppose but at all events went away on his horse , looking very idle . i was curious to find out next morning , whether she had been . she had not , but had sent into london to put her cousin off and had gone out in the afternoon to see agnes , and had prevailed upon the doctor to go with her and they had walked home by the fields , the doctor told me , the evening being delightful . i wondered then , whether she would have gone if agnes had not been in town , and whether agnes had some good influence over her too . she did not look very happy , i thought but it was a good face , or a very false one . i often glanced at it , for she sat in the window all the time we were at work and made our breakfast , which we took by snatches as we were employed . when i left , at nine oclock , she was kneeling on the ground at the doctors feet , putting on his shoes and gaiters for him . there was a softened shade upon her face , thrown from some green leaves overhanging the open window of the low room and i thought all the way to doctors commons , of the night when i had seen it looking at him as he read . i was pretty busy now up at five in the morning , and home at nine or ten at night . but i had infinite satisfaction in being so closely engaged , and never walked slowly on any account , and felt enthusiastically that the more i tired myself , the more i was doing to deserve dora . i had not revealed myself in my altered character to dora yet , because she was coming to see miss mills in a few days , and i deferred all i had to tell her until then merely informing her in my letters all our communications were secretly forwarded through miss mills , that i had much to tell her . in the meantime , i put myself on a short allowance of bears grease , wholly abandoned scented soap and lavender water , and sold off three waistcoats at a prodigious sacrifice , as being too luxurious for my stern career . not satisfied with all these proceedings , but burning with impatience to do something more , i went to see traddles , now lodging up behind the parapet of a house in castle street , holborn . mr . dick , who had been with me to highgate twice already , and had resumed his companionship with the doctor , i took with me . i took mr . dick with me , because , acutely sensitive to my aunts reverses , and sincerely believing that no galley slave or convict worked as i did , he had begun to fret and worry himself out of spirits and appetite , as having nothing useful to do . in this condition , he felt more incapable of finishing the memorial than ever and the harder he worked at it , the oftener that unlucky head of king charles the first got into it . seriously apprehending that his malady would increase , unless we put some innocent deception upon him and caused him to believe that he was useful , or unless we could put him in the way of being really useful i made up my mind to try if traddles could help us . before we went , i wrote traddles a full statement of all that had happened , and traddles wrote me back a capital answer , expressive of his sympathy and friendship . we found him hard at work with his inkstand and papers , refreshed by the sight of the flower pot stand and the little round table in a corner of the small apartment . he received us cordially , and made friends with mr . dick in a moment . mr . dick professed an absolute certainty of having seen him before , and we both said , very likely . the first subject on which i had to consult traddles was this  , had heard that many men distinguished in various pursuits had begun life by reporting the debates in parliament . traddles having mentioned newspapers to me , as one of his hopes , i had put the two things together , and told traddles in my letter that i wished to know how i could qualify myself for this pursuit . traddles now informed me , as the result of his inquiries , that the mere mechanical acquisition necessary , except in rare cases , for thorough excellence in it , that is to say , a perfect and entire command of the mystery of short hand writing and reading , was about equal in difficulty to the mastery of six languages and that it might perhaps be attained , by dint of perseverance , in the course of a few years . traddles reasonably supposed that this would settle the business but i , only feeling that here indeed were a few tall trees to be hewn down , immediately resolved to work my way on to dora through this thicket , axe in hand . i am very much obliged to you , my dear traddles . said i . ill begin tomorrow . traddles looked astonished , as he well might but he had no notion as yet of my rapturous condition . ill buy a book , said i , with a good scheme of this art in it ill work at it at the commons , where i havent half enough to do ill take down the speeches in our court for practice  , my dear fellow , ill master it . dear me , said traddles , opening his eyes , i had no idea you were such a determined character , copperfield . i dont know how he should have had , for it was new enough to me . i passed that off , and brought mr . dick on the carpet . you see , said mr . dick , wistfully , if i could exert myself , mr . traddles  i could beat a drum  blow anything . poor fellow . i have little doubt he would have preferred such an employment in his heart to all others . traddles , who would not have smiled for the world , replied composedly but you are a very good penman , sir . you told me so , copperfield . excellent . said i . and indeed he was . he wrote with extraordinary neatness . dont you think , said traddles , you could copy writings , sir , if i got them for you . mr . dick looked doubtfully at me . eh , trotwood . i shook my head . mr . dick shook his , and sighed . tell him about the memorial , said mr . dick . i explained to traddles that there was a difficulty in keeping king charles the first out of mr . dicks manuscripts mr . dick in the meanwhile looking very deferentially and seriously at traddles , and sucking his thumb . but these writings , you know , that i speak of , are already drawn up and finished , said traddles after a little consideration . mr . dick has nothing to do with them . wouldnt that make a difference , copperfield . at all events , wouldnt it be well to try . this gave us new hope . traddles and i laying our heads together apart , while mr . dick anxiously watched us from his chair , we concocted a scheme in virtue of which we got him to work next day , with triumphant success . on a table by the window in buckingham street , we set out the work traddles procured for him  was to make , i forget how many copies of a legal document about some right of way  on another table we spread the last unfinished original of the great memorial . our instructions to mr . dick were that he should copy exactly what he had before him , without the least departure from the original and that when he felt it necessary to make the slightest allusion to king charles the first , he should fly to the memorial . we exhorted him to be resolute in this , and left my aunt to observe him . my aunt reported to us , afterwards , that , at first , he was like a man playing the kettle drums, , and constantly divided his attentions between the two but that , finding this confuse and fatigue him , and having his copy there , plainly before his eyes , he soon sat at it in an orderly business like manner , and postponed the memorial to a more convenient time . in a word , although we took great care that he should have no more to do than was good for him , and although he did not begin with the beginning of a week , he earned by the following saturday night ten shillings and nine pence and never , while i live , shall i forget his going about to all the shops in the neighbourhood to change this treasure into sixpences , or his bringing them to my aunt arranged in the form of a heart upon a waiter , with tears of joy and pride in his eyes . he was like one under the propitious influence of a charm , from the moment of his being usefully employed and if there were a happy man in the world , that saturday night , it was the grateful creature who thought my aunt the most wonderful woman in existence , and me the most wonderful young man . no starving now , trotwood , said mr . dick , shaking hands with me in a corner . ill provide for her , sir . and he flourished his ten fingers in the air , as if they were ten banks . i hardly know which was the better pleased , traddles or i . it really , said traddles , suddenly , taking a letter out of his pocket , and giving it to me , put mr . micawber quite out of my head . the letter mr . micawber never missed any possible opportunity of writing a letter was addressed to me , by the kindness of t . traddles , esquire , of the inner temple . it ran thus  my dear copperfield , you may possibly not be unprepared to receive the intimation that something has turned up . i may have mentioned to you on a former occasion that i was in expectation of such an event . i am about to establish myself in one of the provincial towns of our favoured island where the society may be described as a happy admixture of the agricultural and the clerical , in immediate connexion with one of the learned professions . mrs . micawber and our offspring will accompany me . our ashes , at a future period , will probably be found commingled in the cemetery attached to a venerable pile , for which the spot to which i refer has acquired a reputation , shall i say from china to peru . in bidding adieu to the modern babylon , where we have undergone many vicissitudes , i trust not ignobly , mrs . micawber and myself cannot disguise from our minds that we part , it may be for years and it may be for ever , with an individual linked by strong associations to the altar of our domestic life . if , on the eve of such a departure , you will accompany our mutual friend , mr . thomas traddles , to our present abode , and there reciprocate the wishes natural to the occasion , you will confer a boon on one who is ever yours , wilkins micawber . i was glad to find that mr . micawber had got rid of his dust and ashes , and that something really had turned up at last . learning from traddles that the invitation referred to the evening then wearing away , i expressed my readiness to do honour to it and we went off together to the lodging which mr . micawber occupied as mr . mortimer , and which was situated near the top of the grays inn road . the resources of this lodging were so limited , that we found the twins , now some eight or nine years old , reposing in a turn up bedstead in the family sitting room, , where mr . micawber had prepared , in a wash hand jug , what he called a brew of the agreeable beverage for which he was famous . i had the pleasure , on this occasion , of renewing the acquaintance of master micawber , whom i found a promising boy of about twelve or thirteen , very subject to that restlessness of limb which is not an unfrequent phenomenon in youths of his age . i also became once more known to his sister , miss micawber , in whom , as mr . micawber told us , her mother renewed her youth , like the phoenix . my dear copperfield , said mr . micawber , yourself and mr . traddles find us on the brink of migration , and will excuse any little discomforts incidental to that position . glancing round as i made a suitable reply , i observed that the family effects were already packed , and that the amount of luggage was by no means overwhelming . i congratulated mrs . micawber on the approaching change . my dear mr . copperfield , said mrs . micawber , of your friendly interest in all our affairs , i am well assured . my family may consider it banishment , if they please but i am a wife and mother , and i never will desert mr . micawber . traddles , appealed to by mrs . micawbers eye , feelingly acquiesced . that , said mrs . micawber , that , at least , is my view , my dear mr . copperfield and mr . traddles , of the obligation which i took upon myself when i repeated the irrevocable words , i , emma , take thee , wilkins . i read the service over with a flat candle on the previous night , and the conclusion i derived from it was , that i never could desert mr . micawber . and , said mrs . micawber , though it is possible i may be mistaken in my view of the ceremony , i never will . my dear , said mr . micawber , a little impatiently , i am not conscious that you are expected to do anything of the sort . i am aware , my dear mr . copperfield , pursued mrs . micawber , that i am now about to cast my lot among strangers and i am also aware that the various members of my family , to whom mr . micawber has written in the most gentlemanly terms , announcing that fact , have not taken the least notice of mr . micawbers communication . indeed i may be superstitious , said mrs . micawber , but it appears to me that mr . micawber is destined never to receive any answers whatever to the great majority of the communications he writes . i may augur , from the silence of my family , that they object to the resolution i have taken but i should not allow myself to be swerved from the path of duty , mr . copperfield , even by my papa and mama , were they still living . i expressed my opinion that this was going in the right direction . it may be a sacrifice , said mrs . micawber , to immure ones self in a cathedral town but surely , mr . copperfield , if it is a sacrifice in me , it is much more a sacrifice in a man of mr . micawbers abilities . oh . you are going to a cathedral town . said i . mr . micawber , who had been helping us all , out of the wash hand jug , replied to canterbury . in fact , my dear copperfield , i have entered into arrangements , by virtue of which i stand pledged and contracted to our friend heep , to assist and serve him in the capacity of  to be  confidential clerk . i stared at mr . micawber , who greatly enjoyed my surprise . i am bound to state to you , he said , with an official air , that the business habits , and the prudent suggestions , of mrs . micawber , have in a great measure conduced to this result . the gauntlet , to which mrs . micawber referred upon a former occasion , being thrown down in the form of an advertisement , was taken up by my friend heep , and led to a mutual recognition . of my friend heep , said mr . micawber , who is a man of remarkable shrewdness , i desire to speak with all possible respect . my friend heep has not fixed the positive remuneration at too high a figure , but he has made a great deal , in the way of extrication from the pressure of pecuniary difficulties , contingent on the value of my services and on the value of those services i pin my faith . such address and intelligence as i chance to possess , said mr . micawber , boastfully disparaging himself , with the old genteel air , will be devoted to my friend heeps service . i have already some acquaintance with the law  a defendant on civil process  i shall immediately apply myself to the commentaries of one of the most eminent and remarkable of our english jurists . i believe it is unnecessary to add that i allude to mr . justice blackstone . these observations , and indeed the greater part of the observations made that evening , were interrupted by mrs . micawbers discovering that master micawber was sitting on his boots , or holding his head on with both arms as if he felt it loose , or accidentally kicking traddles under the table , or shuffling his feet over one another , or producing them at distances from himself apparently outrageous to nature , or lying sideways with his hair among the wine glasses, , or developing his restlessness of limb in some other form incompatible with the general interests of society and by master micawbers receiving those discoveries in a resentful spirit . i sat all the while , amazed by mr . micawbers disclosure , and wondering what it meant until mrs . micawber resumed the thread of the discourse , and claimed my attention . what i particularly request mr . micawber to be careful of , is , said mrs . micawber , that he does not , my dear mr . copperfield , in applying himself to this subordinate branch of the law , place it out of his power to rise , ultimately , to the top of the tree . i am convinced that mr . micawber , giving his mind to a profession so adapted to his fertile resources , and his flow of language , must distinguish himself . now , for example , mr . traddles , said mrs . micawber , assuming a profound air , a judge , or even say a chancellor . does an individual place himself beyond the pale of those preferments by entering on such an office as mr . micawber has accepted . my dear , observed mr . micawber  glancing inquisitively at traddles , too we have time enough before us , for the consideration of those questions . micawber , she returned , no . your mistake in life is , that you do not look forward far enough . you are bound , in justice to your family , if not to yourself , to take in at a comprehensive glance the extremest point in the horizon to which your abilities may lead you . mr . micawber coughed , and drank his punch with an air of exceeding satisfaction  glancing at traddles , as if he desired to have his opinion . why , the plain state of the case , mrs . micawber , said traddles , mildly breaking the truth to her . i mean the real prosaic fact , you know  just so , said mrs . micawber , my dear mr . traddles , i wish to be as prosaic and literal as possible on a subject of so much importance . said traddles , that this branch of the law , even if mr . micawber were a regular solicitor  exactly so , returned mrs . micawber . wilkins , you are squinting , and will not be able to get your eyes back . nothing , pursued traddles , to do with that . only a barrister is eligible for such preferments and mr . micawber could not be a barrister , without being entered at an inn of court as a student , for five years . do i follow you . said mrs . micawber , with her most affable air of business . do i understand , my dear mr . traddles , that , at the expiration of that period , mr . micawber would be eligible as a judge or chancellor . he would be eligible , returned traddles , with a strong emphasis on that word . thank you , said mrs . micawber . that is quite sufficient . if such is the case , and mr . micawber forfeits no privilege by entering on these duties , my anxiety is set at rest . i speak , said mrs . micawber , as a female , necessarily but i have always been of opinion that mr . micawber possesses what i have heard my papa call , when i lived at home , the judicial mind and i hope mr . micawber is now entering on a field where that mind will develop itself , and take a commanding station . i quite believe that mr . micawber saw himself , in his judicial minds eye , on the woolsack . he passed his hand complacently over his bald head , and said with ostentatious resignation my dear , we will not anticipate the decrees of fortune . if i am reserved to wear a wig , i am at least prepared , externally , in allusion to his baldness , for that distinction . i do not , said mr . micawber , regret my hair , and i may have been deprived of it for a specific purpose . i cannot say . it is my intention , my dear copperfield , to educate my son for the church i will not deny that i should be happy , on his account , to attain to eminence . for the church . said i , still pondering , between whiles , on uriah heep . yes , said mr . micawber . he has a remarkable head voice, , and will commence as a chorister . our residence at canterbury , and our local connexion , will , no doubt , enable him to take advantage of any vacancy that may arise in the cathedral corps . on looking at master micawber again , i saw that he had a certain expression of face , as if his voice were behind his eyebrows where it presently appeared to be , on his singing us as an alternative between that and bed the wood pecker tapping . after many compliments on this performance , we fell into some general conversation and as i was too full of my desperate intentions to keep my altered circumstances to myself , i made them known to mr . and mrs . micawber . i cannot express how extremely delighted they both were , by the idea of my aunts being in difficulties and how comfortable and friendly it made them . when we were nearly come to the last round of the punch , i addressed myself to traddles , and reminded him that we must not separate , without wishing our friends health , happiness , and success in their new career . i begged mr . micawber to fill us bumpers , and proposed the toast in due form shaking hands with him across the table , and kissing mrs . micawber , to commemorate that eventful occasion . traddles imitated me in the first particular , but did not consider himself a sufficiently old friend to venture on the second . my dear copperfield , said mr . micawber , rising with one of his thumbs in each of his waistcoat pockets , the companion of my youth if i may be allowed the expression  my esteemed friend traddles if i may be permitted to call him so  allow me , on the part of mrs . micawber , myself , and our offspring , to thank them in the warmest and most uncompromising terms for their good wishes . it may be expected that on the eve of a migration which will consign us to a perfectly new existence , mr . micawber spoke as if they were going five hundred thousand miles , i should offer a few valedictory remarks to two such friends as i see before me . but all that i have to say in this way , i have said . whatever station in society i may attain , through the medium of the learned profession of which i am about to become an unworthy member , i shall endeavour not to disgrace , and mrs . micawber will be safe to adorn . under the temporary pressure of pecuniary liabilities , contracted with a view to their immediate liquidation , but remaining unliquidated through a combination of circumstances , i have been under the necessity of assuming a garb from which my natural instincts recoil  allude to spectacles  possessing myself of a cognomen , to which i can establish no legitimate pretensions . all i have to say on that score is , that the cloud has passed from the dreary scene , and the god of day is once more high upon the mountain tops . on monday next , on the arrival of the four oclock afternoon coach at canterbury , my foot will be on my native heath  name , micawber . mr . micawber resumed his seat on the close of these remarks , and drank two glasses of punch in grave succession . he then said with much solemnity one thing more i have to do , before this separation is complete , and that is to perform an act of justice . my friend mr . thomas traddles has , on two several occasions , put his name , if i may use a common expression , to bills of exchange for my accommodation . on the first occasion mr . thomas traddles was left  me say , in short , in the lurch . the fulfilment of the second has not yet arrived . the amount of the first obligation , here mr . micawber carefully referred to papers , was , i believe , twenty three, , four , nine and a half , of the second , according to my entry of that transaction , eighteen , six , two . these sums , united , make a total , if my calculation is correct , amounting to forty one, , ten , eleven and a half . my friend copperfield will perhaps do me the favour to check that total . i did so and found it correct . to leave this metropolis , said mr . micawber , and my friend mr . thomas traddles , without acquitting myself of the pecuniary part of this obligation , would weigh upon my mind to an insupportable extent . i have , therefore , prepared for my friend mr . thomas traddles , and i now hold in my hand , a document , which accomplishes the desired object . i beg to hand to my friend mr . thomas traddles my i . o . u . for forty one, , ten , eleven and a half , and i am happy to recover my moral dignity , and to know that i can once more walk erect before my fellow man . with this introduction mr . micawber placed his i . o . u . in the hands of traddles , and said he wished him well in every relation of life . i am persuaded , not only that this was quite the same to mr . micawber as paying the money , but that traddles himself hardly knew the difference until he had time to think about it . mr . micawber walked so erect before his fellow man , on the strength of this virtuous action , that his chest looked half as broad again when he lighted us downstairs . we parted with great heartiness on both sides and when i had seen traddles to his own door , and was going home alone , i thought , among the other odd and contradictory things i mused upon , that , slippery as mr . micawber was , i was probably indebted to some compassionate recollection he retained of me as his boy lodger, , for never having been asked by him for money . i certainly should not have had the moral courage to refuse it and i have no doubt he knew that to his credit be it written , quite as well as i did . chapter . a little cold water my new life had lasted for more than a week , and i was stronger than ever in those tremendous practical resolutions that i felt the crisis required . i continued to walk extremely fast , and to have a general idea that i was getting on . i made it a rule to take as much out of myself as i possibly could , in my way of doing everything to which i applied my energies . i made a perfect victim of myself . i even entertained some idea of putting myself on a vegetable diet , vaguely conceiving that , in becoming a graminivorous animal , i should sacrifice to dora . as yet , little dora was quite unconscious of my desperate firmness , otherwise than as my letters darkly shadowed it forth . but another saturday came , and on that saturday evening she was to be at miss millss and when mr . mills had gone to his whist club telegraphed to me in the street , by a bird cage in the drawing room middle window , i was to go there to tea . by this time , we were quite settled down in buckingham street , where mr . dick continued his copying in a state of absolute felicity . my aunt had obtained a signal victory over mrs . crupp , by paying her off , throwing the first pitcher she planted on the stairs out of window , and protecting in person , up and down the staircase , a supernumerary whom she engaged from the outer world . these vigorous measures struck such terror to the breast of mrs . crupp , that she subsided into her own kitchen , under the impression that my aunt was mad . my aunt being supremely indifferent to mrs . crupps opinion and everybody elses , and rather favouring than discouraging the idea , mrs . crupp , of late the bold , became within a few days so faint hearted, , that rather than encounter my aunt upon the staircase , she would endeavour to hide her portly form behind doors  visible , however , a wide margin of flannel petticoat  would shrink into dark corners . this gave my aunt such unspeakable satisfaction , that i believe she took a delight in prowling up and down , with her bonnet insanely perched on the top of her head , at times when mrs . crupp was likely to be in the way . my aunt , being uncommonly neat and ingenious , made so many little improvements in our domestic arrangements , that i seemed to be richer instead of poorer . among the rest , she converted the pantry into a dressing room for me and purchased and embellished a bedstead for my occupation , which looked as like a bookcase in the daytime as a bedstead could . i was the object of her constant solicitude and my poor mother herself could not have loved me better , or studied more how to make me happy . peggotty had considered herself highly privileged in being allowed to participate in these labours and , although she still retained something of her old sentiment of awe in reference to my aunt , had received so many marks of encouragement and confidence , that they were the best friends possible . but the time had now come i am speaking of the saturday when i was to take tea at miss millss when it was necessary for her to return home , and enter on the discharge of the duties she had undertaken in behalf of ham . so good bye, , barkis , said my aunt , and take care of yourself . i am sure i never thought i could be sorry to lose you . i took peggotty to the coach office and saw her off . she cried at parting , and confided her brother to my friendship as ham had done . we had heard nothing of him since he went away , that sunny afternoon . and now , my own dear davy , said peggotty , if , while youre a prentice , you should want any money to spend or if , when youre out of your time , my dear , you should want any to set you up and you must do one or other , or both , my darling who has such a good right to ask leave to lend it you , as my sweet girls own old stupid me . i was not so savagely independent as to say anything in reply , but that if ever i borrowed money of anyone , i would borrow it of her . next to accepting a large sum on the spot , i believe this gave peggotty more comfort than anything i could have done . and , my dear . whispered peggotty , tell the pretty little angel that i should so have liked to see her , only for a minute . and tell her that before she marries my boy , ill come and make your house so beautiful for you , if youll let me . i declared that nobody else should touch it and this gave peggotty such delight that she went away in good spirits . i fatigued myself as much as i possibly could in the commons all day , by a variety of devices , and at the appointed time in the evening repaired to mr . millss street . mr . mills , who was a terrible fellow to fall asleep after dinner , had not yet gone out , and there was no bird cage in the middle window . he kept me waiting so long , that i fervently hoped the club would fine him for being late . at last he came out and then i saw my own dora hang up the bird cage, , and peep into the balcony to look for me , and run in again when she saw i was there , while jip remained behind , to bark injuriously at an immense butchers dog in the street , who could have taken him like a pill . dora came to the drawing room door to meet me and jip came scrambling out , tumbling over his own growls , under the impression that i was a bandit and we all three went in , as happy and loving as could be . i soon carried desolation into the bosom of our joys  that i meant to do it , but that i was so full of the subject  asking dora , without the smallest preparation , if she could love a beggar . my pretty , little , startled dora . her only association with the word was a yellow face and a nightcap , or a pair of crutches , or a wooden leg , or a dog with a decanter stand in his mouth , or something of that kind and she stared at me with the most delightful wonder . how can you ask me anything so foolish . pouted dora . love a beggar . dora , my own dearest . said i . i am a beggar . how can you be such a silly thing , replied dora , slapping my hand , as to sit there , telling such stories . ill make jip bite you . her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me , but it was necessary to be explicit , and i solemnly repeated dora , my own life , i am your ruined david . i declare ill make jip bite you . said dora , shaking her curls , if you are so ridiculous . but i looked so serious , that dora left off shaking her curls , and laid her trembling little hand upon my shoulder , and first looked scared and anxious , then began to cry . that was dreadful . i fell upon my knees before the sofa , caressing her , and imploring her not to rend my heart but , for some time , poor little dora did nothing but exclaim oh dear . oh dear . and oh , she was so frightened . and where was julia mills . and oh , take her to julia mills , and go away , please . until i was almost beside myself . at last , after an agony of supplication and protestation , i got dora to look at me , with a horrified expression of face , which i gradually soothed until it was only loving , and her soft , pretty cheek was lying against mine . then i told her , with my arms clasped round her , how i loved her , so dearly , and so dearly how i felt it right to offer to release her from her engagement , because now i was poor how i never could bear it , or recover it , if i lost her how i had no fears of poverty , if she had none , my arm being nerved and my heart inspired by her how i was already working with a courage such as none but lovers knew how i had begun to be practical , and look into the future how a crust well earned was sweeter far than a feast inherited and much more to the same purpose , which i delivered in a burst of passionate eloquence quite surprising to myself , though i had been thinking about it , day and night , ever since my aunt had astonished me . is your heart mine still , dear dora . said i , rapturously , for i knew by her clinging to me that it was . oh , yes . cried dora . oh , yes , its all yours . oh , dont be dreadful . i dreadful . to dora . dont talk about being poor , and working hard . said dora , nestling closer to me . oh , dont , . my dearest love , said i , the crust well earned oh , yes but i dont want to hear any more about crusts . said dora . and jip must have a mutton chop every day at twelve , or hell die . i was charmed with her childish , winning way . i fondly explained to dora that jip should have his mutton chop with his accustomed regularity . i drew a picture of our frugal home , made independent by my labour  in the little house i had seen at highgate , and my aunt in her room upstairs . i am not dreadful now , dora . said i , tenderly . oh , no , . cried dora . but i hope your aunt will keep in her own room a good deal . and i hope shes not a scolding old thing . if it were possible for me to love dora more than ever , i am sure i did . but i felt she was a little impracticable . it damped my new born ardour , to find that ardour so difficult of communication to her . i made another trial . when she was quite herself again , and was curling jips ears , as he lay upon her lap , i became grave , and said my own . may i mention something . oh , please dont be practical . said dora , coaxingly . because it frightens me so . sweetheart . i returned there is nothing to alarm you in all this . i want you to think of it quite differently . i want to make it nerve you , and inspire you , dora . oh , but thats so shocking . cried dora . my love , no . perseverance and strength of character will enable us to bear much worse things . but i havent got any strength at all , said dora , shaking her curls . have i , jip . oh , do kiss jip , and be agreeable . it was impossible to resist kissing jip , when she held him up to me for that purpose , putting her own bright , rosy little mouth into kissing form , as she directed the operation , which she insisted should be performed symmetrically , on the centre of his nose . i did as she bade me  myself afterwards for my obedience  she charmed me out of my graver character for i dont know how long . but , dora , my beloved . said i , at last resuming it i was going to mention something . the judge of the prerogative court might have fallen in love with her , to see her fold her little hands and hold them up , begging and praying me not to be dreadful any more . indeed i am not going to be , my darling . i assured her . but , dora , my love , if you will sometimes think  , despondingly , you know far from that . if you will sometimes think  to encourage yourself  you are engaged to a poor man  dont , . pray dont . cried dora . its so very dreadful . my soul , not at all . said i , cheerfully . if you will sometimes think of that , and look about now and then at your papas housekeeping , and endeavour to acquire a little habit  accounts , for instance  poor little dora received this suggestion with something that was half a sob and half a scream . would be so useful to us afterwards , i went on . and if you would promise me to read a little  cookery book that i would send you , it would be so excellent for both of us . for our path in life , my dora , said i , warming with the subject , is stony and rugged now , and it rests with us to smooth it . we must fight our way onward . we must be brave . there are obstacles to be met , and we must meet , and crush them . i was going on at a great rate , with a clenched hand , and a most enthusiastic countenance but it was quite unnecessary to proceed . i had said enough . i had done it again . oh , she was so frightened . oh , where was julia mills . oh , take her to julia mills , and go away , please . so that , in short , i was quite distracted , and raved about the drawing room . i thought i had killed her , this time . i sprinkled water on her face . i went down on my knees . i plucked at my hair . i denounced myself as a remorseless brute and a ruthless beast . i implored her forgiveness . i besought her to look up . i ravaged miss millss work box for a smelling bottle, , and in my agony of mind applied an ivory needle case instead , and dropped all the needles over dora . i shook my fists at jip , who was as frantic as myself . i did every wild extravagance that could be done , and was a long way beyond the end of my wits when miss mills came into the room . who has done this . exclaimed miss mills , succouring her friend . i replied , i , miss mills . i have done it . behold the destroyer . words to that effect  hid my face from the light , in the sofa cushion . at first miss mills thought it was a quarrel , and that we were verging on the desert of sahara but she soon found out how matters stood , for my dear affectionate little dora , embracing her , began exclaiming that i was a poor labourer and then cried for me , and embraced me , and asked me would i let her give me all her money to keep , and then fell on miss millss neck , sobbing as if her tender heart were broken . miss mills must have been born to be a blessing to us . she ascertained from me in a few words what it was all about , comforted dora , and gradually convinced her that i was not a labourer  my manner of stating the case i believe dora concluded that i was a navigator , and went balancing myself up and down a plank all day with a wheelbarrow  so brought us together in peace . when we were quite composed , and dora had gone up stairs to put some rose water to her eyes , miss mills rang for tea . in the ensuing interval , i told miss mills that she was evermore my friend , and that my heart must cease to vibrate ere i could forget her sympathy . i then expounded to miss mills what i had endeavoured , so very unsuccessfully , to expound to dora . miss mills replied , on general principles , that the cottage of content was better than the palace of cold splendour , and that where love was , all was . i said to miss mills that this was very true , and who should know it better than i , who loved dora with a love that never mortal had experienced yet . but on miss mills observing , with despondency , that it were well indeed for some hearts if this were so , i explained that i begged leave to restrict the observation to mortals of the masculine gender . i then put it to miss mills , to say whether she considered that there was or was not any practical merit in the suggestion i had been anxious to make , concerning the accounts , the housekeeping , and the cookery book . miss mills , after some consideration , thus replied mr . copperfield , i will be plain with you . mental suffering and trial supply , in some natures , the place of years , and i will be as plain with you as if i were a lady abbess . no . the suggestion is not appropriate to our dora . our dearest dora is a favourite child of nature . she is a thing of light , and airiness , and joy . i am free to confess that if it could be done , it might be well , but  and miss mills shook her head . i was encouraged by this closing admission on the part of miss mills to ask her , whether , for doras sake , if she had any opportunity of luring her attention to such preparations for an earnest life , she would avail herself of it . miss mills replied in the affirmative so readily , that i further asked her if she would take charge of the cookery book and , if she ever could insinuate it upon doras acceptance , without frightening her , undertake to do me that crowning service . miss mills accepted this trust , too but was not sanguine . and dora returned , looking such a lovely little creature , that i really doubted whether she ought to be troubled with anything so ordinary . and she loved me so much , and was so captivating particularly when she made jip stand on his hind legs for toast , and when she pretended to hold that nose of his against the hot teapot for punishment because he wouldnt , that i felt like a sort of monster who had got into a fairys bower , when i thought of having frightened her , and made her cry . after tea we had the guitar and dora sang those same dear old french songs about the impossibility of ever on any account leaving off dancing , la ra la , ra la , until i felt a much greater monster than before . we had only one check to our pleasure , and that happened a little while before i took my leave , when , miss mills chancing to make some allusion to tomorrow morning , i unluckily let out that , being obliged to exert myself now , i got up at five oclock . whether dora had any idea that i was a private watchman , i am unable to say but it made a great impression on her , and she neither played nor sang any more . it was still on her mind when i bade her adieu and she said to me , in her pretty coaxing way  if i were a doll , i used to think now dont get up at five oclock , you naughty boy . its so nonsensical . my love , said i , have work to do . but dont do it . returned dora . why should you . it was impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face , otherwise than lightly and playfully , that we must work to live . oh . how ridiculous . cried dora . how shall we live without , dora . said i . how . any how . said dora . she seemed to think she had quite settled the question , and gave me such a triumphant little kiss , direct from her innocent heart , that i would hardly have put her out of conceit with her answer , for a fortune . well . i loved her , and i went on loving her , most absorbingly , entirely , and completely . but going on , too , working pretty hard , and busily keeping red hot all the irons i now had in the fire , i would sit sometimes of a night , opposite my aunt , thinking how i had frightened dora that time , and how i could best make my way with a guitar case through the forest of difficulty , until i used to fancy that my head was turning quite grey . chapter . a dissolution of partnership i did not allow my resolution , with respect to the parliamentary debates , to cool . it was one of the irons i began to heat immediately , and one of the irons i kept hot , and hammered at , with a perseverance i may honestly admire . i bought an approved scheme of the noble art and mystery of stenography and plunged into a sea of perplexity that brought me , in a few weeks , to the confines of distraction . the changes that were rung upon dots , which in such a position meant such a thing , and in such another position something else , entirely different the wonderful vagaries that were played by circles the unaccountable consequences that resulted from marks like flies legs the tremendous effects of a curve in a wrong place not only troubled my waking hours , but reappeared before me in my sleep . when i had groped my way , blindly , through these difficulties , and had mastered the alphabet , which was an egyptian temple in itself , there then appeared a procession of new horrors , called arbitrary characters the most despotic characters i have ever known who insisted , for instance , that a thing like the beginning of a cobweb , meant expectation , and that a pen and sky rocket, , stood for disadvantageous . when i had fixed these wretches in my mind , i found that they had driven everything else out of it then , beginning again , i forgot them while i was picking them up , i dropped the other fragments of the system in short , it was almost heart breaking . it might have been quite heart breaking, , but for dora , who was the stay and anchor of my tempest driven bark . every scratch in the scheme was a gnarled oak in the forest of difficulty , and i went on cutting them down , one after another , with such vigour , that in three or four months i was in a condition to make an experiment on one of our crack speakers in the commons . shall i ever forget how the crack speaker walked off from me before i began , and left my imbecile pencil staggering about the paper as if it were in a fit . this would not do , it was quite clear . i was flying too high , and should never get on , so . i resorted to traddles for advice who suggested that he should dictate speeches to me , at a pace , and with occasional stoppages , adapted to my weakness . very grateful for this friendly aid , i accepted the proposal and night after night , almost every night , for a long time , we had a sort of private parliament in buckingham street , after i came home from the doctors . i should like to see such a parliament anywhere else . my aunt and mr . dick represented the government or the opposition as the case might be , and traddles , with the assistance of enfields speakers , or a volume of parliamentary orations , thundered astonishing invectives against them . standing by the table , with his finger in the page to keep the place , and his right arm flourishing above his head , traddles , as mr . pitt , mr . fox , mr . sheridan , mr . burke , lord castlereagh , viscount sidmouth , or mr . canning , would work himself into the most violent heats , and deliver the most withering denunciations of the profligacy and corruption of my aunt and mr . dick while i used to sit , at a little distance , with my notebook on my knee , fagging after him with all my might and main . the inconsistency and recklessness of traddles were not to be exceeded by any real politician . he was for any description of policy , in the compass of a week and nailed all sorts of colours to every denomination of mast . my aunt , looking very like an immovable chancellor of the exchequer , would occasionally throw in an interruption or two , as hear . or no . or oh . when the text seemed to require it which was always a signal to mr . dick to follow lustily with the same cry . but mr . dick got taxed with such things in the course of his parliamentary career , and was made responsible for such awful consequences , that he became uncomfortable in his mind sometimes . i believe he actually began to be afraid he really had been doing something , tending to the annihilation of the british constitution , and the ruin of the country . often and often we pursued these debates until the clock pointed to midnight , and the candles were burning down . the result of so much good practice was , that by and by i began to keep pace with traddles pretty well , and should have been quite triumphant if i had the least idea what my notes were about . but , as to reading them after i had got them , i might as well have copied the chinese inscriptions of an immense collection of tea chests, , or the golden characters on all the great red and green bottles in the chemists shops . there was nothing for it , but to turn back and begin all over again . it was very hard , but i turned back , though with a heavy heart , and began laboriously and methodically to plod over the same tedious ground at a snails pace stopping to examine minutely every speck in the way , on all sides , and making the most desperate efforts to know these elusive characters by sight wherever i met them . i was always punctual at the office at the doctors too and i really did work , as the common expression is , like a cart horse . one day , when i went to the commons as usual , i found mr . spenlow in the doorway looking extremely grave , and talking to himself . as he was in the habit of complaining of pains in his head  had naturally a short throat , and i do seriously believe he over starched himself  was at first alarmed by the idea that he was not quite right in that direction but he soon relieved my uneasiness . instead of returning my good morning with his usual affability , he looked at me in a distant , ceremonious manner , and coldly requested me to accompany him to a certain coffee house, , which , in those days , had a door opening into the commons , just within the little archway in st . pauls churchyard . i complied , in a very uncomfortable state , and with a warm shooting all over me , as if my apprehensions were breaking out into buds . when i allowed him to go on a little before , on account of the narrowness of the way , i observed that he carried his head with a lofty air that was particularly unpromising and my mind misgave me that he had found out about my darling dora . if i had not guessed this , on the way to the coffee house, , i could hardly have failed to know what was the matter when i followed him into an upstairs room , and found miss murdstone there , supported by a background of sideboard , on which were several inverted tumblers sustaining lemons , and two of those extraordinary boxes , all corners and flutings , for sticking knives and forks in , which , happily for mankind , are now obsolete . miss murdstone gave me her chilly finger nails, , and sat severely rigid . mr . spenlow shut the door , motioned me to a chair , and stood on the hearth rug in front of the fireplace . have the goodness to show mr . copperfield , said mr . spenlow , what you have in your reticule , miss murdstone . i believe it was the old identical steel clasped reticule of my childhood , that shut up like a bite . compressing her lips , in sympathy with the snap , miss murdstone opened it  her mouth a little at the same time  produced my last letter to dora , teeming with expressions of devoted affection . i believe that is your writing , mr . copperfield . said mr . spenlow . i was very hot , and the voice i heard was very unlike mine , when i said , it is , sir . if i am not mistaken , said mr . spenlow , as miss murdstone brought a parcel of letters out of her reticule , tied round with the dearest bit of blue ribbon , those are also from your pen , mr . copperfield . i took them from her with a most desolate sensation and , glancing at such phrases at the top , as my ever dearest and own dora , my best beloved angel , my blessed one for ever , and the like , blushed deeply , and inclined my head . no , thank you . said mr . spenlow , coldly , as i mechanically offered them back to him . i will not deprive you of them . miss murdstone , be so good as to proceed . that gentle creature , after a moments thoughtful survey of the carpet , delivered herself with much dry unction as follows . i must confess to having entertained my suspicions of miss spenlow , in reference to david copperfield , for some time . i observed miss spenlow and david copperfield , when they first met and the impression made upon me then was not agreeable . the depravity of the human heart is such  you will oblige me , maam , interrupted mr . spenlow , by confining yourself to facts . miss murdstone cast down her eyes , shook her head as if protesting against this unseemly interruption , and with frowning dignity resumed since i am to confine myself to facts , i will state them as dryly as i can . perhaps that will be considered an acceptable course of proceeding . i have already said , sir , that i have had my suspicions of miss spenlow , in reference to david copperfield , for some time . i have frequently endeavoured to find decisive corroboration of those suspicions , but without effect . i have therefore forborne to mention them to miss spenlows father looking severely at him  how little disposition there usually is in such cases , to acknowledge the conscientious discharge of duty . mr . spenlow seemed quite cowed by the gentlemanly sternness of miss murdstones manner , and deprecated her severity with a conciliatory little wave of his hand . on my return to norwood , after the period of absence occasioned by my brothers marriage , pursued miss murdstone in a disdainful voice , and on the return of miss spenlow from her visit to her friend miss mills , i imagined that the manner of miss spenlow gave me greater occasion for suspicion than before . therefore i watched miss spenlow closely . dear , tender little dora , so unconscious of this dragons eye . still , resumed miss murdstone , i found no proof until last night . it appeared to me that miss spenlow received too many letters from her friend miss mills but miss mills being her friend with her fathers full concurrence , another telling blow at mr . spenlow , it was not for me to interfere . if i may not be permitted to allude to the natural depravity of the human heart , at least i may  must  permitted , so far to refer to misplaced confidence . mr . spenlow apologetically murmured his assent . last evening after tea , pursued miss murdstone , i observed the little dog starting , rolling , and growling about the drawing room, , worrying something . i said to miss spenlow , dora , what is that the dog has in his mouth . its paper . miss spenlow immediately put her hand to her frock , gave a sudden cry , and ran to the dog . i interposed , and said , dora , my love , you must permit me . oh jip , miserable spaniel , this wretchedness , then , was your work . miss spenlow endeavoured , said miss murdstone , to bribe me with kisses , work boxes, , and small articles of jewellery  , of course , i pass over . the little dog retreated under the sofa on my approaching him , and was with great difficulty dislodged by the fire irons . even when dislodged , he still kept the letter in his mouth and on my endeavouring to take it from him , at the imminent risk of being bitten , he kept it between his teeth so pertinaciously as to suffer himself to be held suspended in the air by means of the document . at length i obtained possession of it . after perusing it , i taxed miss spenlow with having many such letters in her possession and ultimately obtained from her the packet which is now in david copperfields hand . here she ceased and snapping her reticule again , and shutting her mouth , looked as if she might be broken , but could never be bent . you have heard miss murdstone , said mr . spenlow , turning to me . i beg to ask , mr . copperfield , if you have anything to say in reply . the picture i had before me , of the beautiful little treasure of my heart , sobbing and crying all night  her being alone , frightened , and wretched , then  her having so piteously begged and prayed that stony hearted woman to forgive her  having vainly offered her those kisses , work boxes, , and trinkets  her being in such grievous distress , and all for me  much impaired the little dignity i had been able to muster . i am afraid i was in a tremulous state for a minute or so , though i did my best to disguise it . there is nothing i can say , sir , i returned , except that all the blame is mine . dora  miss spenlow , if you please , said her father , majestically . induced and persuaded by me , i went on , swallowing that colder designation , to consent to this concealment , and i bitterly regret it . you are very much to blame , sir , said mr . spenlow , walking to and fro upon the hearth rug, , and emphasizing what he said with his whole body instead of his head , on account of the stiffness of his cravat and spine . you have done a stealthy and unbecoming action , mr . copperfield . when i take a gentleman to my house , no matter whether he is nineteen , twenty nine, , or ninety , i take him there in a spirit of confidence . if he abuses my confidence , he commits a dishonourable action , mr . copperfield . i feel it , sir , i assure you , i returned . but i never thought so , before . sincerely , honestly , indeed , mr . spenlow , i never thought so , before . i love miss spenlow to that extent  poh . nonsense . said mr . spenlow , reddening . pray dont tell me to my face that you love my daughter , mr . copperfield . could i defend my conduct if i did not , sir . i returned , with all humility . can you defend your conduct if you do , sir . said mr . spenlow , stopping short upon the hearth rug . have you considered your years , and my daughters years , mr . copperfield . have you considered what it is to undermine the confidence that should subsist between my daughter and myself . have you considered my daughters station in life , the projects i may contemplate for her advancement , the testamentary intentions i may have with reference to her . have you considered anything , mr . copperfield . very little , sir , i am afraid i answered , speaking to him as respectfully and sorrowfully as i felt but pray believe me , i have considered my own worldly position . when i explained it to you , we were already engaged  i beg , said mr . spenlow , more like punch than i had ever seen him , as he energetically struck one hand upon the other  could not help noticing that even in my despair that you will not talk to me of engagements , mr . copperfield . the otherwise immovable miss murdstone laughed contemptuously in one short syllable . when i explained my altered position to you , sir , i began again , substituting a new form of expression for what was so unpalatable to him , this concealment , into which i am so unhappy as to have led miss spenlow , had begun . since i have been in that altered position , i have strained every nerve , i have exerted every energy , to improve it . i am sure i shall improve it in time . will you grant me time  length of time . we are both so young , sir  , you are right , interrupted mr . spenlow , nodding his head a great many times , and frowning very much , you are both very young . its all nonsense . let there be an end of the nonsense . take away those letters , and throw them in the fire . give me miss spenlows letters to throw in the fire and although our future intercourse must , you are aware , be restricted to the commons here , we will agree to make no further mention of the past . come , mr . copperfield , you dont want sense and this is the sensible course . no . i couldnt think of agreeing to it . i was very sorry , but there was a higher consideration than sense . love was above all earthly considerations , and i loved dora to idolatry , and dora loved me . i didnt exactly say so i softened it down as much as i could but i implied it , and i was resolute upon it . i dont think i made myself very ridiculous , but i know i was resolute . very well , mr . copperfield , said mr . spenlow , i must try my influence with my daughter . miss murdstone , by an expressive sound , a long drawn respiration , which was neither a sigh nor a moan , but was like both , gave it as her opinion that he should have done this at first . i must try , said mr . spenlow , confirmed by this support , my influence with my daughter . do you decline to take those letters , mr . copperfield . for i had laid them on the table . yes . i told him i hoped he would not think it wrong , but i couldnt possibly take them from miss murdstone . nor from me . said mr . spenlow . no , i replied with the profoundest respect nor from him . very well . said mr . spenlow . a silence succeeding , i was undecided whether to go or stay . at length i was moving quietly towards the door , with the intention of saying that perhaps i should consult his feelings best by withdrawing when he said , with his hands in his coat pockets , into which it was as much as he could do to get them and with what i should call , upon the whole , a decidedly pious air you are probably aware , mr . copperfield , that i am not altogether destitute of worldly possessions , and that my daughter is my nearest and dearest relative . i hurriedly made him a reply to the effect , that i hoped the error into which i had been betrayed by the desperate nature of my love , did not induce him to think me mercenary too . i dont allude to the matter in that light , said mr . spenlow . it would be better for yourself , and all of us , if you were mercenary , mr . copperfield  mean , if you were more discreet and less influenced by all this youthful nonsense . no . i merely say , with quite another view , you are probably aware i have some property to bequeath to my child . i certainly supposed so . and you can hardly think , said mr . spenlow , having experience of what we see , in the commons here , every day , of the various unaccountable and negligent proceedings of men , in respect of their testamentary arrangements  all subjects , the one on which perhaps the strangest revelations of human inconsistency are to be met with  that mine are made . i inclined my head in acquiescence . i should not allow , said mr . spenlow , with an evident increase of pious sentiment , and slowly shaking his head as he poised himself upon his toes and heels alternately , my suitable provision for my child to be influenced by a piece of youthful folly like the present . it is mere folly . mere nonsense . in a little while , it will weigh lighter than any feather . but i might  this silly business were not completely relinquished altogether , be induced in some anxious moment to guard her from , and surround her with protections against , the consequences of any foolish step in the way of marriage . now , mr . copperfield , i hope that you will not render it necessary for me to open , even for a quarter of an hour , that closed page in the book of life , and unsettle , even for a quarter of an hour , grave affairs long since composed . there was a serenity , a tranquillity , a calm sunset air about him , which quite affected me . he was so peaceful and resigned  had his affairs in such perfect train , and so systematically wound up  he was a man to feel touched in the contemplation of . i really think i saw tears rise to his eyes , from the depth of his own feeling of all this . but what could i do . i could not deny dora and my own heart . when he told me i had better take a week to consider of what he had said , how could i say i wouldnt take a week , yet how could i fail to know that no amount of weeks could influence such love as mine . in the meantime , confer with miss trotwood , or with any person with any knowledge of life , said mr . spenlow , adjusting his cravat with both hands . take a week , mr . copperfield . i submitted and , with a countenance as expressive as i was able to make it of dejected and despairing constancy , came out of the room . miss murdstones heavy eyebrows followed me to the door  say her eyebrows rather than her eyes , because they were much more important in her face  she looked so exactly as she used to look , at about that hour of the morning , in our parlour at blunderstone , that i could have fancied i had been breaking down in my lessons again , and that the dead weight on my mind was that horrible old spelling book, , with oval woodcuts , shaped , to my youthful fancy , like the glasses out of spectacles . when i got to the office , and , shutting out old tiffey and the rest of them with my hands , sat at my desk , in my own particular nook , thinking of this earthquake that had taken place so unexpectedly , and in the bitterness of my spirit cursing jip , i fell into such a state of torment about dora , that i wonder i did not take up my hat and rush insanely to norwood . the idea of their frightening her , and making her cry , and of my not being there to comfort her , was so excruciating , that it impelled me to write a wild letter to mr . spenlow , beseeching him not to visit upon her the consequences of my awful destiny . i implored him to spare her gentle nature  to crush a fragile flower  addressed him generally , to the best of my remembrance , as if , instead of being her father , he had been an ogre , or the dragon of wantley . this letter i sealed and laid upon his desk before he returned and when he came in , i saw him , through the half opened door of his room , take it up and read it . he said nothing about it all the morning but before he went away in the afternoon he called me in , and told me that i need not make myself at all uneasy about his daughters happiness . he had assured her , he said , that it was all nonsense and he had nothing more to say to her . he believed he was an indulgent father and i might spare myself any solicitude on her account . you may make it necessary , if you are foolish or obstinate , mr . copperfield , he observed , for me to send my daughter abroad again , for a term but i have a better opinion of you . i hope you will be wiser than that , in a few days . as to miss murdstone , for i had alluded to her in the letter , i respect that ladys vigilance , and feel obliged to her but she has strict charge to avoid the subject . all i desire , mr . copperfield , is , that it should be forgotten . all you have got to do , mr . copperfield , is to forget it . all . in the note i wrote to miss mills , i bitterly quoted this sentiment . all i had to do , i said , with gloomy sarcasm , was to forget dora . that was all , and what was that . i entreated miss mills to see me , that evening . if it could not be done with mr . millss sanction and concurrence , i besought a clandestine interview in the back kitchen where the mangle was . i informed her that my reason was tottering on its throne , and only she , miss mills , could prevent its being deposed . i signed myself , hers distractedly and i couldnt help feeling , while i read this composition over , before sending it by a porter , that it was something in the style of mr . micawber . however , i sent it . at night i repaired to miss millss street , and walked up and down , until i was stealthily fetched in by miss millss maid , and taken the area way to the back kitchen . i have since seen reason to believe that there was nothing on earth to prevent my going in at the front door , and being shown up into the drawing room, , except miss millss love of the romantic and mysterious . in the back kitchen , i raved as became me . i went there , i suppose , to make a fool of myself , and i am quite sure i did it . miss mills had received a hasty note from dora , telling her that all was discovered , and saying . oh pray come to me , julia , do , . but miss mills , mistrusting the acceptability of her presence to the higher powers , had not yet gone and we were all benighted in the desert of sahara . miss mills had a wonderful flow of words , and liked to pour them out . i could not help feeling , though she mingled her tears with mine , that she had a dreadful luxury in our afflictions . she petted them , as i may say , and made the most of them . a deep gulf , she observed , had opened between dora and me , and love could only span it with its rainbow . love must suffer in this stern world it ever had been so , it ever would be so . no matter , miss mills remarked . hearts confined by cobwebs would burst at last , and then love was avenged . this was small consolation , but miss mills wouldnt encourage fallacious hopes . she made me much more wretched than i was before , and i felt and told her with the deepest gratitude that she was indeed a friend . we resolved that she should go to dora the first thing in the morning , and find some means of assuring her , either by looks or words , of my devotion and misery . we parted , overwhelmed with grief and i think miss mills enjoyed herself completely . i confided all to my aunt when i got home and in spite of all she could say to me , went to bed despairing . i got up despairing , and went out despairing . it was saturday morning , and i went straight to the commons . i was surprised , when i came within sight of our office door, , to see the ticket porters standing outside talking together , and some half dozen stragglers gazing at the windows which were shut up . i quickened my pace , and , passing among them , wondering at their looks , went hurriedly in . the clerks were there , but nobody was doing anything . old tiffey , for the first time in his life i should think , was sitting on somebody elses stool , and had not hung up his hat . this is a dreadful calamity , mr . copperfield , said he , as i entered . what is . i exclaimed . whats the matter . dont you know . cried tiffey , and all the rest of them , coming round me . no . said i , looking from face to face . mr . spenlow , said tiffey . what about him . dead . i thought it was the office reeling , and not i , as one of the clerks caught hold of me . they sat me down in a chair , untied my neck cloth, , and brought me some water . i have no idea whether this took any time . dead . said i . he dined in town yesterday , and drove down in the phaeton by himself , said tiffey , having sent his own groom home by the coach , as he sometimes did , you know  well . the phaeton went home without him . the horses stopped at the stable gate . the man went out with a lantern . nobody in the carriage . had they run away . they were not hot , said tiffey , putting on his glasses no hotter , i understand , than they would have been , going down at the usual pace . the reins were broken , but they had been dragging on the ground . the house was roused up directly , and three of them went out along the road . they found him a mile off . more than a mile off , mr . tiffey , interposed a junior . was it . i believe you are right , said tiffey  , than a mile off  far from the church  partly on the roadside , and partly on the path , upon his face . whether he fell out in a fit , or got out , feeling ill before the fit came on  even whether he was quite dead then , though there is no doubt he was quite insensible  one appears to know . if he breathed , certainly he never spoke . medical assistance was got as soon as possible , but it was quite useless . i cannot describe the state of mind into which i was thrown by this intelligence . the shock of such an event happening so suddenly , and happening to one with whom i had been in any respect at variance  appalling vacancy in the room he had occupied so lately , where his chair and table seemed to wait for him , and his handwriting of yesterday was like a ghost  indefinable impossibility of separating him from the place , and feeling , when the door opened , as if he might come in  lazy hush and rest there was in the office , and the insatiable relish with which our people talked about it , and other people came in and out all day , and gorged themselves with the subject  is easily intelligible to anyone . what i cannot describe is , how , in the innermost recesses of my own heart , i had a lurking jealousy even of death . how i felt as if its might would push me from my ground in doras thoughts . how i was , in a grudging way i have no words for , envious of her grief . how it made me restless to think of her weeping to others , or being consoled by others . how i had a grasping , avaricious wish to shut out everybody from her but myself , and to be all in all to her , at that unseasonable time of all times . in the trouble of this state of mind  exclusively my own , i hope , but known to others  went down to norwood that night and finding from one of the servants , when i made my inquiries at the door , that miss mills was there , got my aunt to direct a letter to her , which i wrote . i deplored the untimely death of mr . spenlow , most sincerely , and shed tears in doing so . i entreated her to tell dora , if dora were in a state to hear it , that he had spoken to me with the utmost kindness and consideration and had coupled nothing but tenderness , not a single or reproachful word , with her name . i know i did this selfishly , to have my name brought before her but i tried to believe it was an act of justice to his memory . perhaps i did believe it . my aunt received a few lines next day in reply addressed , outside , to her within , to me . dora was overcome by grief and when her friend had asked her should she send her love to me , had only cried , as she was always crying , oh , dear papa . oh , poor papa . but she had not said no , and that i made the most of . mr . jorkins , who had been at norwood since the occurrence , came to the office a few days afterwards . he and tiffey were closeted together for some few moments , and then tiffey looked out at the door and beckoned me in . oh . said mr . jorkins . mr . tiffey and myself , mr . copperfield , are about to examine the desks , the drawers , and other such repositories of the deceased , with the view of sealing up his private papers , and searching for a will . there is no trace of any , elsewhere . it may be as well for you to assist us , if you please . i had been in agony to obtain some knowledge of the circumstances in which my dora would be placed  , in whose guardianship , and so forth  this was something towards it . we began the search at once mr . jorkins unlocking the drawers and desks , and we all taking out the papers . the office papers we placed on one side , and the private papers on the other . we were very grave and when we came to a stray seal , or pencil case, , or ring , or any little article of that kind which we associated personally with him , we spoke very low . we had sealed up several packets and were still going on dustily and quietly , when mr . jorkins said to us , applying exactly the same words to his late partner as his late partner had applied to him mr . spenlow was very difficult to move from the beaten track . you know what he was . i am disposed to think he had made no will . oh , i know he had . said i . they both stopped and looked at me . on the very day when i last saw him , said i , he told me that he had , and that his affairs were long since settled . mr . jorkins and old tiffey shook their heads with one accord . that looks unpromising , said tiffey . very unpromising , said mr . jorkins . surely you dont doubt  i began . my good mr . copperfield . said tiffey , laying his hand upon my arm , and shutting up both his eyes as he shook his head if you had been in the commons as long as i have , you would know that there is no subject on which men are so inconsistent , and so little to be trusted . why , bless my soul , he made that very remark . i replied persistently . i should call that almost final , observed tiffey . my opinion is  will . it appeared a wonderful thing to me , but it turned out that there was no will . he had never so much as thought of making one , so far as his papers afforded any evidence for there was no kind of hint , sketch , or memorandum , of any testamentary intention whatever . what was scarcely less astonishing to me , was , that his affairs were in a most disordered state . it was extremely difficult , i heard , to make out what he owed , or what he had paid , or of what he died possessed . it was considered likely that for years he could have had no clear opinion on these subjects himself . by little and little it came out , that , in the competition on all points of appearance and gentility then running high in the commons , he had spent more than his professional income , which was not a very large one , and had reduced his private means , if they ever had been great to a very low ebb indeed . there was a sale of the furniture and lease , at norwood and tiffey told me , little thinking how interested i was in the story , that , paying all the just debts of the deceased , and deducting his share of outstanding bad and doubtful debts due to the firm , he wouldnt give a thousand pounds for all the assets remaining . this was at the expiration of about six weeks . i had suffered tortures all the time and thought i really must have laid violent hands upon myself , when miss mills still reported to me , that my broken hearted little dora would say nothing , when i was mentioned , but oh , poor papa . oh , dear papa . also , that she had no other relations than two aunts , maiden sisters of mr . spenlow , who lived at putney , and who had not held any other than chance communication with their brother for many years . not that they had ever quarrelled but that having been , on the occasion of doras christening , invited to tea , when they considered themselves privileged to be invited to dinner , they had expressed their opinion in writing , that it was better for the happiness of all parties that they should stay away . since which they had gone their road , and their brother had gone his . these two ladies now emerged from their retirement , and proposed to take dora to live at putney . dora , clinging to them both , and weeping , exclaimed , o yes , aunts . please take julia mills and me and jip to putney . so they went , very soon after the funeral . how i found time to haunt putney , i am sure i dont know but i contrived , by some means or other , to prowl about the neighbourhood pretty often . miss mills , for the more exact discharge of the duties of friendship , kept a journal and she used to meet me sometimes , on the common , and read it , or lend it to me . how i treasured up the entries , of which i subjoin a sample  . monday . my sweet d . still much depressed . headache . called attention to j . as being beautifully sleek . d . fondled j . associations thus awakened , opened floodgates of sorrow . rush of grief admitted . are tears the dewdrops of the heart . j . m . tuesday . d . weak and nervous . beautiful in pallor . do we not remark this in moon likewise . j . m . d . j . m . and j . took airing in carriage . j . looking out of window , and barking violently at dustman , occasioned smile to overspread features of d . of such slight links is chain of life composed . j . m . wednesday . d . comparatively cheerful . sang to her , as congenial melody , evening bells . effect not soothing , but reverse . d . inexpressibly affected . found sobbing afterwards , in own room . quoted verses respecting self and young gazelle . ineffectually . also referred to patience on monument . thursday . d . certainly improved . better night . slight tinge of damask revisiting cheek . resolved to mention name of d . c . introduced same , cautiously , in course of airing . d . immediately overcome . oh , dear , julia . oh , i have been a naughty and undutiful child . soothed and caressed . drew ideal picture of d . c . on verge of tomb . d . again overcome . oh , what shall i do , what shall i do . oh , take me somewhere . much alarmed . fainting of d . and glass of water from public house . poetical affinity . chequered sign on door post chequered human life . alas . j . m . friday . day of incident . man appears in kitchen , with blue bag , for ladys boots left out to heel . cook replies , no such orders . man argues point . cook withdraws to inquire , leaving man alone with j . on cooks return , man still argues point , but ultimately goes . j . missing . d . distracted . information sent to police . man to be identified by broad nose , and legs like balustrades of bridge . search made in every direction . no j . d . weeping bitterly , and inconsolable . renewed reference to young gazelle . appropriate , but unavailing . towards evening , strange boy calls . brought into parlour . broad nose , but no balustrades . says he wants a pound , and knows a dog . declines to explain further , though much pressed . pound being produced by d . takes cook to little house , where j . alone tied up to leg of table . joy of d . who dances round j . while he eats his supper . emboldened by this happy change , mention d . c . upstairs . d . weeps afresh , cries piteously , oh , dont , . it is so wicked to think of anything but poor papa . j . and sobs herself to sleep . must not d . c . confine himself to the broad pinions of time . j . m . miss mills and her journal were my sole consolation at this period . to see her , who had seen dora but a little while before  trace the initial letter of doras name through her sympathetic pages  be made more and more miserable by her  my only comforts . i felt as if i had been living in a palace of cards , which had tumbled down , leaving only miss mills and me among the ruins i felt as if some grim enchanter had drawn a magic circle round the innocent goddess of my heart , which nothing indeed but those same strong pinions , capable of carrying so many people over so much , would enable me to enter . chapter . wickfield and heep my aunt , beginning , i imagine , to be made seriously uncomfortable by my prolonged dejection , made a pretence of being anxious that i should go to dover , to see that all was working well at the cottage , which was let and to conclude an agreement , with the same tenant , for a longer term of occupation . janet was drafted into the service of mrs . strong , where i saw her every day . she had been undecided , on leaving dover , whether or no to give the finishing touch to that renunciation of mankind in which she had been educated , by marrying a pilot but she decided against that venture . not so much for the sake of principle , i believe , as because she happened not to like him . although it required an effort to leave miss mills , i fell rather willingly into my aunts pretence , as a means of enabling me to pass a few tranquil hours with agnes . i consulted the good doctor relative to an absence of three days and the doctor wishing me to take that relaxation  , wished me to take more but my energy could not bear that  , made up my mind to go . as to the commons , i had no great occasion to be particular about my duties in that quarter . to say the truth , we were getting in no very good odour among the tip top proctors , and were rapidly sliding down to but a doubtful position . the business had been indifferent under mr . jorkins , before mr . spenlows time and although it had been quickened by the infusion of new blood , and by the display which mr . spenlow made , still it was not established on a sufficiently strong basis to bear , without being shaken , such a blow as the sudden loss of its active manager . it fell off very much . mr . jorkins , notwithstanding his reputation in the firm , was an easy going, , incapable sort of man , whose reputation out of doors was not calculated to back it up . i was turned over to him now , and when i saw him take his snuff and let the business go , i regretted my aunts thousand pounds more than ever . but this was not the worst of it . there were a number of hangers on and outsiders about the commons , who , without being proctors themselves , dabbled in common form business , and got it done by real proctors , who lent their names in consideration of a share in the spoil  there were a good many of these too . as our house now wanted business on any terms , we joined this noble band and threw out lures to the hangers on and outsiders , to bring their business to us . marriage licences and small probates were what we all looked for , and what paid us best and the competition for these ran very high indeed . kidnappers and inveiglers were planted in all the avenues of entrance to the commons , with instructions to do their utmost to cut off all persons in mourning , and all gentlemen with anything bashful in their appearance , and entice them to the offices in which their respective employers were interested which instructions were so well observed , that i myself , before i was known by sight , was twice hustled into the premises of our principal opponent . the conflicting interests of these touting gentlemen being of a nature to irritate their feelings , personal collisions took place and the commons was even scandalized by our principal inveigler who had formerly been in the wine trade , and afterwards in the sworn brokery line walking about for some days with a black eye . any one of these scouts used to think nothing of politely assisting an old lady in black out of a vehicle , killing any proctor whom she inquired for , representing his employer as the lawful successor and representative of that proctor , and bearing the old lady off to his employers office . many captives were brought to me in this way . as to marriage licences , the competition rose to such a pitch , that a shy gentleman in want of one , had nothing to do but submit himself to the first inveigler , or be fought for , and become the prey of the strongest . one of our clerks , who was an outsider , used , in the height of this contest , to sit with his hat on , that he might be ready to rush out and swear before a surrogate any victim who was brought in . the system of inveigling continues , i believe , to this day . the last time i was in the commons , a civil able bodied person in a white apron pounced out upon me from a doorway , and whispering the word marriage licence in my ear , was with great difficulty prevented from taking me up in his arms and lifting me into a proctors . from this digression , let me proceed to dover . i found everything in a satisfactory state at the cottage and was enabled to gratify my aunt exceedingly by reporting that the tenant inherited her feud , and waged incessant war against donkeys . having settled the little business i had to transact there , and slept there one night , i walked on to canterbury early in the morning . it was now winter again and the fresh , cold windy day , and the sweeping downland , brightened up my hopes a little . coming into canterbury , i loitered through the old streets with a sober pleasure that calmed my spirits , and eased my heart . there were the old signs , the old names over the shops , the old people serving in them . it appeared so long , since i had been a schoolboy there , that i wondered the place was so little changed , until i reflected how little i was changed myself . strange to say , that quiet influence which was inseparable in my mind from agnes , seemed to pervade even the city where she dwelt . the venerable cathedral towers , and the old jackdaws and rooks whose airy voices made them more retired than perfect silence would have done the battered gateways , one stuck full with statues , long thrown down , and crumbled away , like the reverential pilgrims who had gazed upon them the still nooks , where the ivied growth of centuries crept over gabled ends and ruined walls the ancient houses , the pastoral landscape of field , orchard , and garden everywhere  everything  felt the same serener air , the same calm , thoughtful , softening spirit . arrived at mr . wickfields house , i found , in the little lower room on the ground floor , where uriah heep had been of old accustomed to sit , mr . micawber plying his pen with great assiduity . he was dressed in a legal looking suit of black , and loomed , burly and large , in that small office . mr . micawber was extremely glad to see me , but a little confused too . he would have conducted me immediately into the presence of uriah , but i declined . i know the house of old , you recollect , said i , and will find my way upstairs . how do you like the law , mr . micawber . my dear copperfield , he replied . to a man possessed of the higher imaginative powers , the objection to legal studies is the amount of detail which they involve . even in our professional correspondence , said mr . micawber , glancing at some letters he was writing , the mind is not at liberty to soar to any exalted form of expression . still , it is a great pursuit . a great pursuit . he then told me that he had become the tenant of uriah heeps old house and that mrs . micawber would be delighted to receive me , once more , under her own roof . it is humble , said mr . micawber , quote a favourite expression of my friend heep but it may prove the stepping stone to more ambitious domiciliary accommodation . i asked him whether he had reason , so far , to be satisfied with his friend heeps treatment of him . he got up to ascertain if the door were close shut , before he replied , in a lower voice my dear copperfield , a man who labours under the pressure of pecuniary embarrassments , is , with the generality of people , at a disadvantage . that disadvantage is not diminished , when that pressure necessitates the drawing of stipendiary emoluments , before those emoluments are strictly due and payable . all i can say is , that my friend heep has responded to appeals to which i need not more particularly refer , in a manner calculated to redound equally to the honour of his head , and of his heart . i should not have supposed him to be very free with his money either , i observed . pardon me . said mr . micawber , with an air of constraint , i speak of my friend heep as i have experience . i am glad your experience is so favourable , i returned . you are very obliging , my dear copperfield , said mr . micawber and hummed a tune . do you see much of mr . wickfield . i asked , to change the subject . not much , said mr . micawber , slightingly . mr . wickfield is , i dare say , a man of very excellent intentions but he is  short , he is obsolete . i am afraid his partner seeks to make him so , said i . my dear copperfield . returned mr . micawber , after some uneasy evolutions on his stool , allow me to offer a remark . i am here , in a capacity of confidence . i am here , in a position of trust . the discussion of some topics , even with mrs . micawber herself so long the partner of my various vicissitudes , and a woman of a remarkable lucidity of intellect , is , i am led to consider , incompatible with the functions now devolving on me . i would therefore take the liberty of suggesting that in our friendly intercourse  i trust will never be disturbed . draw a line . on one side of this line , said mr . micawber , representing it on the desk with the office ruler , is the whole range of the human intellect , with a trifling exception on the other , is that exception that is to say , the affairs of messrs wickfield and heep , with all belonging and appertaining thereunto . i trust i give no offence to the companion of my youth , in submitting this proposition to his cooler judgement . though i saw an uneasy change in mr . micawber , which sat tightly on him , as if his new duties were a misfit , i felt i had no right to be offended . my telling him so , appeared to relieve him and he shook hands with me . i am charmed , copperfield , said mr . micawber , let me assure you , with miss wickfield . she is a very superior young lady , of very remarkable attractions , graces , and virtues . upon my honour , said mr . micawber , indefinitely kissing his hand and bowing with his genteelest air , i do homage to miss wickfield . hem . i am glad of that , at least , said i . if you had not assured us , my dear copperfield , on the occasion of that agreeable afternoon we had the happiness of passing with you , that d . was your favourite letter , said mr . micawber , i should unquestionably have supposed that a . had been so . we have all some experience of a feeling , that comes over us occasionally , of what we are saying and doing having been said and done before , in a remote time  our having been surrounded , dim ages ago , by the same faces , objects , and circumstances  our knowing perfectly what will be said next , as if we suddenly remembered it . i never had this mysterious impression more strongly in my life , than before he uttered those words . i took my leave of mr . micawber , for the time , charging him with my best remembrances to all at home . as i left him , resuming his stool and his pen , and rolling his head in his stock , to get it into easier writing order , i clearly perceived that there was something interposed between him and me , since he had come into his new functions , which prevented our getting at each other as we used to do , and quite altered the character of our intercourse . there was no one in the quaint old drawing room, , though it presented tokens of mrs . heeps whereabouts . i looked into the room still belonging to agnes , and saw her sitting by the fire , at a pretty old fashioned desk she had , writing . my darkening the light made her look up . what a pleasure to be the cause of that bright change in her attentive face , and the object of that sweet regard and welcome . ah , agnes . said i , when we were sitting together , side by side i have missed you so much , lately . indeed . she replied . again . and so soon . i shook my head . i dont know how it is , agnes i seem to want some faculty of mind that i ought to have . you were so much in the habit of thinking for me , in the happy old days here , and i came so naturally to you for counsel and support , that i really think i have missed acquiring it . and what is it . said agnes , cheerfully . i dont know what to call it , i replied . i think i am earnest and persevering . i am sure of it , said agnes . and patient , agnes . i inquired , with a little hesitation . yes , returned agnes , laughing . pretty well . and yet , said i , get so miserable and worried , and am so unsteady and irresolute in my power of assuring myself , that i know i must want  i call it  , of some kind . call it so , if you will , said agnes . well . i returned . see here . you come to london , i rely on you , and i have an object and a course at once . i am driven out of it , i come here , and in a moment i feel an altered person . the circumstances that distressed me are not changed , since i came into this room but an influence comes over me in that short interval that alters me , oh , how much for the better . what is it . what is your secret , agnes . her head was bent down , looking at the fire . its the old story , said i . dont laugh , when i say it was always the same in little things as it is in greater ones . my old troubles were nonsense , and now they are serious but whenever i have gone away from my adopted sister  agnes looked up  such a heavenly face . gave me her hand , which i kissed . whenever i have not had you , agnes , to advise and approve in the beginning , i have seemed to go wild , and to get into all sorts of difficulty . when i have come to you , at last i have come to peace and happiness . i come home , now , like a tired traveller , and find such a blessed sense of rest . i felt so deeply what i said , it affected me so sincerely , that my voice failed , and i covered my face with my hand , and broke into tears . i write the truth . whatever contradictions and inconsistencies there were within me , as there are within so many of us whatever might have been so different , and so much better whatever i had done , in which i had perversely wandered away from the voice of my own heart i knew nothing of . i only knew that i was fervently in earnest , when i felt the rest and peace of having agnes near me . in her placid sisterly manner with her beaming eyes with her tender voice and with that sweet composure , which had long ago made the house that held her quite a sacred place to me she soon won me from this weakness , and led me on to tell all that had happened since our last meeting . and there is not another word to tell , agnes , said i , when i had made an end of my confidence . now , my reliance is on you . but it must not be on me , trotwood , returned agnes , with a pleasant smile . it must be on someone else . on dora . said i . assuredly . why , i have not mentioned , agnes , said i , a little embarrassed , that dora is rather difficult to  would not , for the world , say , to rely upon , because she is the soul of purity and truth  rather difficult to  hardly know how to express it , really , agnes . she is a timid little thing , and easily disturbed and frightened . some time ago , before her fathers death , when i thought it right to mention to her  ill tell you , if you will bear with me , how it was . accordingly , i told agnes about my declaration of poverty , about the cookery book, , the housekeeping accounts , and all the rest of it . oh , trotwood . she remonstrated , with a smile . just your old headlong way . you might have been in earnest in striving to get on in the world , without being so very sudden with a timid , loving , inexperienced girl . poor dora . i never heard such sweet forbearing kindness expressed in a voice , as she expressed in making this reply . it was as if i had seen her admiringly and tenderly embracing dora , and tacitly reproving me , by her considerate protection , for my hot haste in fluttering that little heart . it was as if i had seen dora , in all her fascinating artlessness , caressing agnes , and thanking her , and coaxingly appealing against me , and loving me with all her childish innocence . i felt so grateful to agnes , and admired her so . i saw those two together , in a bright perspective , such well associated friends , each adorning the other so much . what ought i to do then , agnes . i inquired , after looking at the fire a little while . what would it be right to do . i think , said agnes , that the honourable course to take , would be to write to those two ladies . dont you think that any secret course is an unworthy one . yes . if you think so , said i . i am poorly qualified to judge of such matters , replied agnes , with a modest hesitation , but i certainly feel  short , i feel that your being secret and clandestine , is not being like yourself . like myself , in the too high opinion you have of me , agnes , i am afraid , said i . like yourself , in the candour of your nature , she returned and therefore i would write to those two ladies . i would relate , as plainly and as openly as possible , all that has taken place and i would ask their permission to visit sometimes , at their house . considering that you are young , and striving for a place in life , i think it would be well to say that you would readily abide by any conditions they might impose upon you . i would entreat them not to dismiss your request , without a reference to dora and to discuss it with her when they should think the time suitable . i would not be too vehement , said agnes , gently , or propose too much . i would trust to my fidelity and perseverance  to dora . but if they were to frighten dora again , agnes , by speaking to her , said i . and if dora were to cry , and say nothing about me . is that likely . inquired agnes , with the same sweet consideration in her face . god bless her , she is as easily scared as a bird , said i . it might be . or if the two miss spenlows elderly ladies of that sort are odd characters sometimes should not be likely persons to address in that way . i dont think , trotwood , returned agnes , raising her soft eyes to mine , i would consider that . perhaps it would be better only to consider whether it is right to do this and , if it is , to do it . i had no longer any doubt on the subject . with a lightened heart , though with a profound sense of the weighty importance of my task , i devoted the whole afternoon to the composition of the draft of this letter for which great purpose , agnes relinquished her desk to me . but first i went downstairs to see mr . wickfield and uriah heep . i found uriah in possession of a new , plaster smelling office , built out in the garden looking extraordinarily mean , in the midst of a quantity of books and papers . he received me in his usual fawning way , and pretended not to have heard of my arrival from mr . micawber a pretence i took the liberty of disbelieving . he accompanied me into mr . wickfields room , which was the shadow of its former self  been divested of a variety of conveniences , for the accommodation of the new partner  stood before the fire , warming his back , and shaving his chin with his bony hand , while mr . wickfield and i exchanged greetings . you stay with us , trotwood , while you remain in canterbury . said mr . wickfield , not without a glance at uriah for his approval . is there room for me . said i . i am sure , master copperfield  should say mister , but the other comes so natural , said uriah  , would turn out of your old room with pleasure , if it would be agreeable . no , said mr . wickfield . why should you be inconvenienced . theres another room . theres another room . oh , but you know , returned uriah , with a grin , i should really be delighted . to cut the matter short , i said i would have the other room or none at all so it was settled that i should have the other room and , taking my leave of the firm until dinner , i went upstairs again . i had hoped to have no other companion than agnes . but mrs . heep had asked permission to bring herself and her knitting near the fire , in that room on pretence of its having an aspect more favourable for her rheumatics , as the wind then was , than the drawing room or dining parlour . though i could almost have consigned her to the mercies of the wind on the topmost pinnacle of the cathedral , without remorse , i made a virtue of necessity , and gave her a friendly salutation . im umbly thankful to you , sir , said mrs . heep , in acknowledgement of my inquiries concerning her health , but im only pretty well . i havent much to boast of . if i could see my uriah well settled in life , i couldnt expect much more i think . how do you think my ury looking , sir . i thought him looking as villainous as ever , and i replied that i saw no change in him . oh , dont you think hes changed . said mrs . heep . there i must umbly beg leave to differ from you . dont you see a thinness in him . not more than usual , i replied . dont you though . said mrs . heep . but you dont take notice of him with a mothers eye . his mothers eye was an evil eye to the rest of the world , i thought as it met mine , howsoever affectionate to him and i believe she and her son were devoted to one another . it passed me , and went on to agnes . dont you see a wasting and a wearing in him , miss wickfield . inquired mrs . heep . no , said agnes , quietly pursuing the work on which she was engaged . you are too solicitous about him . he is very well . mrs . heep , with a prodigious sniff , resumed her knitting . she never left off , or left us for a moment . i had arrived early in the day , and we had still three or four hours before dinner but she sat there , plying her knitting needles as monotonously as an hour glass might have poured out its sands . she sat on one side of the fire i sat at the desk in front of it a little beyond me , on the other side , sat agnes . whensoever , slowly pondering over my letter , i lifted up my eyes , and meeting the thoughtful face of agnes , saw it clear , and beam encouragement upon me , with its own angelic expression , i was conscious presently of the evil eye passing me , and going on to her , and coming back to me again , and dropping furtively upon the knitting . what the knitting was , i dont know , not being learned in that art but it looked like a net and as she worked away with those chinese chopsticks of knitting needles, , she showed in the firelight like an ill looking enchantress , baulked as yet by the radiant goodness opposite , but getting ready for a cast of her net by and by . at dinner she maintained her watch , with the same unwinking eyes . after dinner , her son took his turn and when mr . wickfield , himself , and i were left alone together , leered at me , and writhed until i could hardly bear it . in the drawing room, , there was the mother knitting and watching again . all the time that agnes sang and played , the mother sat at the piano . once she asked for a particular ballad , which she said her ury doted on and at intervals she looked round at him , and reported to agnes that he was in raptures with the music . but she hardly ever spoke  question if she ever did  making some mention of him . it was evident to me that this was the duty assigned to her . this lasted until bedtime . to have seen the mother and son , like two great bats hanging over the whole house , and darkening it with their ugly forms , made me so uncomfortable , that i would rather have remained downstairs , knitting and all , than gone to bed . i hardly got any sleep . next day the knitting and watching began again , and lasted all day . i had not an opportunity of speaking to agnes , for ten minutes . i could barely show her my letter . i proposed to her to walk out with me but mrs . heep repeatedly complaining that she was worse , agnes charitably remained within , to bear her company . towards the twilight i went out by myself , musing on what i ought to do , and whether i was justified in withholding from agnes , any longer , what uriah heep had told me in london for that began to trouble me again , very much . i had not walked out far enough to be quite clear of the town , upon the ramsgate road , where there was a good path , when i was hailed , through the dust , by somebody behind me . the shambling figure , and the scanty great coat, , were not to be mistaken . i stopped , and uriah heep came up . well . said i . how fast you walk . said he . my legs are pretty long , but youve given em quite a job . where are you going . said i . i am going with you , master copperfield , if youll allow me the pleasure of a walk with an old acquaintance . saying this , with a jerk of his body , which might have been either propitiatory or derisive , he fell into step beside me . uriah . said i , as civilly as i could , after a silence . master copperfield . said uriah . to tell you the truth i came out to walk alone , because i have had so much company . he looked at me sideways , and said with his hardest grin , you mean mother . why yes , i do , said i . ah . but you know were so very umble , he returned . and having such a knowledge of our own umbleness , we must really take care that were not pushed to the wall by them as isnt umble . all stratagems are fair in love , sir . raising his great hands until they touched his chin , he rubbed them softly , and softly chuckled looking as like a malevolent baboon , i thought , as anything human could look . you see , he said , still hugging himself in that unpleasant way , and shaking his head at me , youre quite a dangerous rival , master copperfield . you always was , you know . do you set a watch upon miss wickfield , and make her home no home , because of me . said i . oh . master copperfield . those are very arsh words , he replied . put my meaning into any words you like , said i . you know what it is , uriah , as well as i do . oh no . you must put it into words , he said . oh , really . i couldnt myself . do you suppose , said i , constraining myself to be very temperate and quiet with him , on account of agnes , that i regard miss wickfield otherwise than as a very dear sister . well , master copperfield , he replied , you perceive i am not bound to answer that question . you may not , you know . but then , you see , you may . anything to equal the low cunning of his visage , and of his shadowless eyes without the ghost of an eyelash , i never saw . come then . said i . for the sake of miss wickfield  my agnes . he exclaimed , with a sickly , angular contortion of himself . would you be so good as call her agnes , master copperfield . for the sake of agnes wickfield  bless her . thank you for that blessing , master copperfield . he interposed . i will tell you what i should , under any other circumstances , as soon have thought of telling to  ketch . to who , sir . said uriah , stretching out his neck , and shading his ear with his hand . to the hangman , i returned . the most unlikely person i could think of  , his own face had suggested the allusion quite as a natural sequence . i am engaged to another young lady . i hope that contents you . upon your soul . said uriah . i was about indignantly to give my assertion the confirmation he required , when he caught hold of my hand , and gave it a squeeze . oh , master copperfield . he said . if you had only had the condescension to return my confidence when i poured out the fulness of my art , the night i put you so much out of the way by sleeping before your sitting room fire , i never should have doubted you . as it is , im sure ill take off mother directly , and only too appy . i know youll excuse the precautions of affection , wont you . what a pity , master copperfield , that you didnt condescend to return my confidence . im sure i gave you every opportunity . but you never have condescended to me , as much as i could have wished . i know you have never liked me , as i have liked you . all this time he was squeezing my hand with his damp fishy fingers , while i made every effort i decently could to get it away . but i was quite unsuccessful . he drew it under the sleeve of his mulberry coloured great coat, , and i walked on , almost upon compulsion , arm in with him . shall we turn . said uriah , by and by wheeling me face about towards the town , on which the early moon was now shining , silvering the distant windows . before we leave the subject , you ought to understand , said i , breaking a pretty long silence , that i believe agnes wickfield to be as far above you , and as far removed from all your aspirations , as that moon herself . peaceful . aint she . said uriah . very . now confess , master copperfield , that you havent liked me quite as i have liked you . all along youve thought me too umble now , i shouldnt wonder . i am not fond of professions of humility , i returned , or professions of anything else . there now . said uriah , looking flabby and lead coloured in the moonlight . didnt i know it . but how little you think of the rightful umbleness of a person in my station , master copperfield . father and me was both brought up at a foundation school for boys and mother , she was likewise brought up at a public , sort of charitable , establishment . they taught us all a deal of umbleness  much else that i know of , from morning to night . we was to be umble to this person , and umble to that and to pull off our caps here , and to make bows there and always to know our place , and abase ourselves before our betters . and we had such a lot of betters . father got the monitor medal by being umble . so did i . father got made a sexton by being umble . he had the character , among the gentlefolks , of being such a well behaved man , that they were determined to bring him in . be umble , uriah , says father to me , and youll get on . it was what was always being dinned into you and me at school its what goes down best . be umble , says father , and youll do . and really it aint done bad . it was the first time it had ever occurred to me , that this detestable cant of false humility might have originated out of the heep family . i had seen the harvest , but had never thought of the seed . when i was quite a young boy , said uriah , i got to know what umbleness did , and i took to it . i ate umble pie with an appetite . i stopped at the umble point of my learning , and says i , hold hard . when you offered to teach me latin , i knew better . people like to be above you , says father , keep yourself down . i am very umble to the present moment , master copperfield , but ive got a little power . and he said all this  knew , as i saw his face in the moonlight  i might understand he was resolved to recompense himself by using his power . i had never doubted his meanness , his craft and malice but i fully comprehended now , for the first time , what a base , unrelenting , and revengeful spirit , must have been engendered by this early , and this long , suppression . his account of himself was so far attended with an agreeable result , that it led to his withdrawing his hand in order that he might have another hug of himself under the chin . once apart from him , i was determined to keep apart and we walked back , side by side , saying very little more by the way . whether his spirits were elevated by the communication i had made to him , or by his having indulged in this retrospect , i dont know but they were raised by some influence . he talked more at dinner than was usual with him asked his mother off duty , from the moment of our re entering the house whether he was not growing too old for a bachelor and once looked at agnes so , that i would have given all i had , for leave to knock him down . when we three males were left alone after dinner , he got into a more adventurous state . he had taken little or no wine and i presume it was the mere insolence of triumph that was upon him , flushed perhaps by the temptation my presence furnished to its exhibition . i had observed yesterday , that he tried to entice mr . wickfield to drink and , interpreting the look which agnes had given me as she went out , had limited myself to one glass , and then proposed that we should follow her . i would have done so again today but uriah was too quick for me . we seldom see our present visitor , sir , he said , addressing mr . wickfield , sitting , such a contrast to him , at the end of the table , and i should propose to give him welcome in another glass or two of wine , if you have no objections . mr . copperfield , your elth and appiness . i was obliged to make a show of taking the hand he stretched across to me and then , with very different emotions , i took the hand of the broken gentleman , his partner . come , fellow partner, , said uriah , if i may take the liberty  , suppose you give us something or another appropriate to copperfield . i pass over mr . wickfields proposing my aunt , his proposing mr . dick , his proposing doctors commons , his proposing uriah , his drinking everything twice his consciousness of his own weakness , the ineffectual effort that he made against it the struggle between his shame in uriahs deportment , and his desire to conciliate him the manifest exultation with which uriah twisted and turned , and held him up before me . it made me sick at heart to see , and my hand recoils from writing it . come , fellow partner . said uriah , at last , ill give you another one , and i umbly ask for bumpers , seeing i intend to make it the divinest of her sex . her father had his empty glass in his hand . i saw him set it down , look at the picture she was so like , put his hand to his forehead , and shrink back in his elbow chair . im an umble individual to give you her elth , proceeded uriah , but i admire  her . no physical pain that her fathers grey head could have borne , i think , could have been more terrible to me , than the mental endurance i saw compressed now within both his hands . agnes , said uriah , either not regarding him , or not knowing what the nature of his action was , agnes wickfield is , i am safe to say , the divinest of her sex . may i speak out , among friends . to be her father is a proud distinction , but to be her usband  spare me from ever again hearing such a cry , as that with which her father rose up from the table . whats the matter . said uriah , turning of a deadly colour . you are not gone mad , after all , mr . wickfield , i hope . if i say ive an ambition to make your agnes my agnes , i have as good a right to it as another man . i have a better right to it than any other man . i had my arms round mr . wickfield , imploring him by everything that i could think of , oftenest of all by his love for agnes , to calm himself a little . he was mad for the moment tearing out his hair , beating his head , trying to force me from him , and to force himself from me , not answering a word , not looking at or seeing anyone blindly striving for he knew not what , his face all staring and distorted  frightful spectacle . i conjured him , incoherently , but in the most impassioned manner , not to abandon himself to this wildness , but to hear me . i besought him to think of agnes , to connect me with agnes , to recollect how agnes and i had grown up together , how i honoured her and loved her , how she was his pride and joy . i tried to bring her idea before him in any form i even reproached him with not having firmness to spare her the knowledge of such a scene as this . i may have effected something , or his wildness may have spent itself but by degrees he struggled less , and began to look at me  at first , then with recognition in his eyes . at length he said , i know , trotwood . my darling child and you  know . but look at him . he pointed to uriah , pale and glowering in a corner , evidently very much out in his calculations , and taken by surprise . look at my torturer , he replied . before him i have step by step abandoned name and reputation , peace and quiet , house and home . i have kept your name and reputation for you , and your peace and quiet , and your house and home too , said uriah , with a sulky , hurried , defeated air of compromise . dont be foolish , mr . wickfield . if i have gone a little beyond what you were prepared for , i can go back , i suppose . theres no harm done . i looked for single motives in everyone , said mr . wickfield , and i was satisfied i had bound him to me by motives of interest . but see what he is  , see what he is . you had better stop him , copperfield , if you can , cried uriah , with his long forefinger pointing towards me . hell say something presently  you . be sorry to have said afterwards , and youll be sorry to have heard . ill say anything . cried mr . wickfield , with a desperate air . why should i not be in all the worlds power if i am in yours . mind . i tell you . said uriah , continuing to warn me . if you dont stop his mouth , youre not his friend . why shouldnt you be in all the worlds power , mr . wickfield . because you have got a daughter . you and me know what we know , dont we . let sleeping dogs lie  wants to rouse em . i dont . cant you see i am as umble as i can be . i tell you , if ive gone too far , im sorry . what would you have , sir . oh , trotwood , . exclaimed mr . wickfield , wringing his hands . what i have come down to be , since i first saw you in this house . i was on my downward way then , but the dreary , road i have traversed since . weak indulgence has ruined me . indulgence in remembrance , and indulgence in forgetfulness . my natural grief for my childs mother turned to disease my natural love for my child turned to disease . i have infected everything i touched . i have brought misery on what i dearly love , i know  . i thought it possible that i could truly love one creature in the world , and not love the rest i thought it possible that i could truly mourn for one creature gone out of the world , and not have some part in the grief of all who mourned . thus the lessons of my life have been perverted . i have preyed on my own morbid coward heart , and it has preyed on me . sordid in my grief , sordid in my love , sordid in my miserable escape from the darker side of both , oh see the ruin i am , and hate me , shun me . he dropped into a chair , and weakly sobbed . the excitement into which he had been roused was leaving him . uriah came out of his corner . i dont know all i have done , in my fatuity , said mr . wickfield , putting out his hands , as if to deprecate my condemnation . he knows best , meaning uriah heep , for he has always been at my elbow , whispering me . you see the millstone that he is about my neck . you find him in my house , you find him in my business . you heard him , but a little time ago . what need have i to say more . you havent need to say so much , nor half so much , nor anything at all , observed uriah , half defiant , and half fawning . you wouldnt have took it up so , if it hadnt been for the wine . youll think better of it tomorrow , sir . if i have said too much , or more than i meant , what of it . i havent stood by it . the door opened , and agnes , gliding in , without a vestige of colour in her face , put her arm round his neck , and steadily said , papa , you are not well . come with me . he laid his head upon her shoulder , as if he were oppressed with heavy shame , and went out with her . her eyes met mine for but an instant , yet i saw how much she knew of what had passed . i didnt expect hed cut up so rough , master copperfield , said uriah . but its nothing . ill be friends with him tomorrow . its for his good . im umbly anxious for his good . i gave him no answer , and went upstairs into the quiet room where agnes had so often sat beside me at my books . nobody came near me until late at night . i took up a book , and tried to read . i heard the clocks strike twelve , and was still reading , without knowing what i read , when agnes touched me . you will be going early in the morning , trotwood . let us say good bye, , now . she had been weeping , but her face then was so calm and beautiful . heaven bless you . she said , giving me her hand . dearest agnes . i returned , i see you ask me not to speak of tonight  is there nothing to be done . there is god to trust in . she replied . can i do nothing  , who come to you with my poor sorrows . and make mine so much lighter , she replied . dear trotwood , no . dear agnes , i said , it is presumptuous for me , who am so poor in all in which you are so rich  , resolution , all noble qualities  doubt or direct you but you know how much i love you , and how much i owe you . you will never sacrifice yourself to a mistaken sense of duty , agnes . more agitated for a moment than i had ever seen her , she took her hands from me , and moved a step back . say you have no such thought , dear agnes . much more than sister . think of the priceless gift of such a heart as yours , of such a love as yours . oh . long , afterwards , i saw that face rise up before me , with its momentary look , not wondering , not accusing , not regretting . oh , long , afterwards , i saw that look subside , as it did now , into the lovely smile , with which she told me she had no fear for herself  need have none for her  parted from me by the name of brother , and was gone . it was dark in the morning , when i got upon the coach at the inn door . the day was just breaking when we were about to start , and then , as i sat thinking of her , came struggling up the coach side , through the mingled day and night , uriahs head . copperfield . said he , in a croaking whisper , as he hung by the iron on the roof , i thought youd be glad to hear before you went off , that there are no squares broke between us . ive been into his room already , and weve made it all smooth . why , though im umble , im useful to him , you know and he understands his interest when he isnt in liquor . what an agreeable man he is , after all , master copperfield . i obliged myself to say that i was glad he had made his apology . oh , to be sure . said uriah . when a persons umble , you know , whats an apology . so easy . i say . i suppose , with a jerk , you have sometimes plucked a pear before it was ripe , master copperfield . i suppose i have , i replied . i did that last night , said uriah but itll ripen yet . it only wants attending to . i can wait . profuse in his farewells , he got down again as the coachman got up . for anything i know , he was eating something to keep the raw morning air out but he made motions with his mouth as if the pear were ripe already , and he were smacking his lips over it . chapter . the wanderer we had a very serious conversation in buckingham street that night , about the domestic occurrences i have detailed in the last chapter . my aunt was deeply interested in them , and walked up and down the room with her arms folded , for more than two hours afterwards . whenever she was particularly discomposed , she always performed one of these pedestrian feats and the amount of her discomposure might always be estimated by the duration of her walk . on this occasion she was so much disturbed in mind as to find it necessary to open the bedroom door , and make a course for herself , comprising the full extent of the bedrooms from wall to wall and while mr . dick and i sat quietly by the fire , she kept passing in and out , along this measured track , at an unchanging pace , with the regularity of a clock pendulum . when my aunt and i were left to ourselves by mr . dicks going out to bed , i sat down to write my letter to the two old ladies . by that time she was tired of walking , and sat by the fire with her dress tucked up as usual . but instead of sitting in her usual manner , holding her glass upon her knee , she suffered it to stand neglected on the chimney piece and , resting her left elbow on her right arm , and her chin on her left hand , looked thoughtfully at me . as often as i raised my eyes from what i was about , i met hers . i am in the lovingest of tempers , my dear , she would assure me with a nod , but i am fidgeted and sorry . i had been too busy to observe , until after she was gone to bed , that she had left her night mixture, , as she always called it , untasted on the chimney piece . she came to her door , with even more than her usual affection of manner , when i knocked to acquaint her with this discovery but only said , i have not the heart to take it , trot , tonight , and shook her head , and went in again . she read my letter to the two old ladies , in the morning , and approved of it . i posted it , and had nothing to do then , but wait , as patiently as i could , for the reply . i was still in this state of expectation , and had been , for nearly a week when i left the doctors one snowy night , to walk home . it had been a bitter day , and a cutting north east wind had blown for some time . the wind had gone down with the light , and so the snow had come on . it was a heavy , settled fall , i recollect , in great flakes and it lay thick . the noise of wheels and tread of people were as hushed , as if the streets had been strewn that depth with feathers . my shortest way home  , i naturally took the shortest way on such a night  through st . martins lane . now , the church which gives its name to the lane , stood in a less free situation at that time there being no open space before it , and the lane winding down to the strand . as i passed the steps of the portico , i encountered , at the corner , a womans face . it looked in mine , passed across the narrow lane , and disappeared . i knew it . i had seen it somewhere . but i could not remember where . i had some association with it , that struck upon my heart directly but i was thinking of anything else when it came upon me , and was confused . on the steps of the church , there was the stooping figure of a man , who had put down some burden on the smooth snow , to adjust it my seeing the face , and my seeing him , were simultaneous . i dont think i had stopped in my surprise but , in any case , as i went on , he rose , turned , and came down towards me . i stood face to face with mr . peggotty . then i remembered the woman . it was martha , to whom emily had given the money that night in the kitchen . martha endell  by side with whom , he would not have seen his dear niece , ham had told me , for all the treasures wrecked in the sea . we shook hands heartily . at first , neither of us could speak a word . masr davy . he said , gripping me tight , it do my art good to see you , sir . well met , well met . well met , my dear old friend . said i . i had my thowts o coming to make inquiration for you , sir , tonight , he said , but knowing as your aunt was living along wi you  ive been down yonder  way  was afeerd it was too late . i should have come early in the morning , sir , afore going away . again . said i . yes , sir , he replied , patiently shaking his head , im away tomorrow . where were you going now . i asked . well . he replied , shaking the snow out of his long hair , i was a going to turn in somewheers . in those days there was a side entrance to the stable yard of the golden cross , the inn so memorable to me in connexion with his misfortune , nearly opposite to where we stood . i pointed out the gateway , put my arm through his , and we went across . two or three public rooms opened out of the stable yard and looking into one of them , and finding it empty , and a good fire burning , i took him in there . when i saw him in the light , i observed , not only that his hair was long and ragged , but that his face was burnt dark by the sun . he was greyer , the lines in his face and forehead were deeper , and he had every appearance of having toiled and wandered through all varieties of weather but he looked very strong , and like a man upheld by steadfastness of purpose , whom nothing could tire out . he shook the snow from his hat and clothes , and brushed it away from his face , while i was inwardly making these remarks . as he sat down opposite to me at a table , with his back to the door by which we had entered , he put out his rough hand again , and grasped mine warmly . ill tell you , masr davy , he said  , all ive been , and what all weve heerd . ive been fur , and weve heerd little but ill tell you . i rang the bell for something hot to drink . he would have nothing stronger than ale and while it was being brought , and being warmed at the fire , he sat thinking . there was a fine , massive gravity in his face , i did not venture to disturb . when she was a child , he said , lifting up his head soon after we were left alone , she used to talk to me a deal about the sea , and about them coasts where the sea got to be dark blue , and to lay a shining and a shining in the sun . i thowt , odd times , as her father being drownded made her think on it so much . i doent know , you see , but maybe she believed  hoped  had drifted out to them parts , where the flowers is always a blowing, , and the country bright . it is likely to have been a childish fancy , i replied . when she was  , said mr . peggotty , i knowd in my mind , as he would take her to them countries . i knowd in my mind , as hed have told her wonders of em , and how she was to be a lady theer , and how he got her to listen to him fust , along o sech like . when we see his mother , i knowd quite well as i was right . i went across channel to france , and landed theer , as if id fell down from the sky . i saw the door move , and the snow drift in . i saw it move a little more , and a hand softly interpose to keep it open . i found out an english genleman as was in authority , said mr . peggotty , and told him i was a going to seek my niece . he got me them papers as i wanted fur to carry me through  doent rightly know how theyre called  he would have give me money , but that i was thankful to have no need on . i thank him kind , for all he done , im sure . ive wrote afore you , he says to me , and i shall speak to many as will come that way , and many will know you , fur distant from here , when youre a travelling alone . i told him , best as i was able , what my gratitoode was , and went away through france . alone , and on foot . said i . mostly a foot, , he rejoined sometimes in carts along with people going to market sometimes in empty coaches . many mile a day a foot, , and often with some poor soldier or another , travelling to see his friends . i couldnt talk to him , said mr . peggotty , nor he to me but we was company for one another , too , along the dusty roads . i should have known that by his friendly tone . when i come to any town , he pursued , i found the inn , and waited about the yard till someone turned up as knowd english . then i told how that i was on my way to seek my niece , and they told me what manner of gentlefolks was in the house , and i waited to see any as seemed like her , going in or out . when it warnt emly , i went on agen . by little and little , when i come to a new village or that , among the poor people , i found they knowd about me . they would set me down at their cottage doors , and give me what not fur to eat and drink , and show me where to sleep and many a woman , masr davy , as has had a daughter of about emlys age , ive found a waiting fur me , at our saviours cross outside the village , fur to do me simlar kindnesses . some has had daughters as was dead . and god only knows how good them mothers was to me . it was martha at the door . i saw her haggard , listening face distinctly . my dread was lest he should turn his head , and see her too . they would often put their children  their little girls , said mr . peggotty , upon my knee and many a time you might have seen me sitting at their doors , when night was coming in , amost as if theyd been my darlings children . oh , my darling . overpowered by sudden grief , he sobbed aloud . i laid my trembling hand upon the hand he put before his face . thankee , sir , he said , doent take no notice . in a very little while he took his hand away and put it on his breast , and went on with his story . they often walked with me , he said , in the morning , maybe a mile or two upon my road and when we parted , and i said , im very thankful to you . god bless you . they always seemed to understand , and answered pleasant . at last i come to the sea . it warnt hard , you may suppose , for a seafaring man like me to work his way over to italy . when i got theer , i wandered on as i had done afore . the people was just as good to me , and i should have gone from town to town , maybe the country through , but that i got news of her being seen among them swiss mountains yonder . one as knowd his servant see em there , all three , and told me how they travelled , and where they was . i made fur them mountains , masr davy , day and night . ever so fur as i went , ever so fur the mountains seemed to shift away from me . but i come up with em , and i crossed em . when i got nigh the place as i had been told of , i began to think within my own self , what shall i do when i see her . the listening face , insensible to the inclement night , still drooped at the door , and the hands begged me  to cast it forth . i never doubted her , said mr . peggotty . no . not a bit . ony let her see my face  let her heer my voice  let my stanning still afore her bring to her thoughts the home she had fled away from , and the child she had been  if she had growed to be a royal lady , shed have fell down at my feet . i knowd it well . many a time in my sleep had i heerd her cry out , uncle . and seen her fall like death afore me . many a time in my sleep had i raised her up , and whispered to her , emly , my dear , i am come fur to bring forgiveness , and to take you home . he stopped and shook his head , and went on with a sigh . he was nowt to me now . emly was all . i bought a country dress to put upon her and i knowd that , once found , she would walk beside me over them stony roads , go where i would , and never , leave me more . to put that dress upon her , and to cast off what she wore  take her on my arm again , and wander towards home  stop sometimes upon the road , and heal her bruised feet and her worse bruised heart  all that i thowt of now . i doent believe i should have done so much as look at him . but , masr davy , it warnt to be  yet . i was too late , and they was gone . wheer , i couldnt learn . some said heer , some said theer . i travelled heer , and i travelled theer , but i found no emly , and i travelled home . how long ago . i asked . a matter o fower days , said mr . peggotty . i sighted the old boat arter dark , and the light a shining in the winder . when i come nigh and looked in through the glass , i see the faithful creetur missis gummidge sittin by the fire , as we had fixed upon , alone . i called out , doent be afeerd . its danl . and i went in . i never could have thowt the old boat would have been so strange . from some pocket in his breast , he took out , with a very careful hand a small paper bundle containing two or three letters or little packets , which he laid upon the table . this fust one come , he said , selecting it from the rest , afore i had been gone a week . a fifty pound bank note , in a sheet of paper , directed to me , and put underneath the door in the night . she tried to hide her writing , but she couldnt hide it from me . he folded up the note again , with great patience and care , in exactly the same form , and laid it on one side . this come to missis gummidge , he said , opening another , two or three months ago . after looking at it for some moments , he gave it to me , and added in a low voice , be so good as read it , sir . i read as follows oh what will you feel when you see this writing , and know it comes from my wicked hand . but try , for my sake , but for uncles goodness , try to let your heart soften to me , only for a little time . try , pray do , to relent towards a miserable girl , and write down on a bit of paper whether he is well , and what he said about me before you left off ever naming me among yourselves  whether , of a night , when it is my old time of coming home , you ever see him look as if he thought of one he used to love so dear . oh , my heart is breaking when i think about it . i am kneeling down to you , begging and praying you not to be as hard with me as i deserve  i well , know i deserve  to be so gentle and so good , as to write down something of him , and to send it to me . you need not call me little , you need not call me by the name i have disgraced but oh , listen to my agony , and have mercy on me so far as to write me some word of uncle , never , to be seen in this world by my eyes again . dear , if your heart is hard towards me  hard , i know  , listen , if it is hard , dear , ask him i have wronged the most  whose wife i was to have been  you quite decide against my poor prayer . if he should be so compassionate as to say that you might write something for me to read  think he would , oh , i think he would , if you would only ask him , for he always was so brave and so forgiving  him then that when i hear the wind blowing at night , i feel as if it was passing angrily from seeing him and uncle , and was going up to god against me . tell him that if i was to die tomorrow and oh , if i was fit , i would be so glad to die . i would bless him and uncle with my last words , and pray for his happy home with my last breath . some money was enclosed in this letter also . five pounds . it was untouched like the previous sum , and he refolded it in the same way . detailed instructions were added relative to the address of a reply , which , although they betrayed the intervention of several hands , and made it difficult to arrive at any very probable conclusion in reference to her place of concealment , made it at least not unlikely that she had written from that spot where she was stated to have been seen . what answer was sent . i inquired of mr . peggotty . missis gummidge , he returned , not being a good scholar , sir , ham kindly drawed it out , and she made a copy on it . they told her i was gone to seek her , and what my parting words was . is that another letter in your hand . said i . its money , sir , said mr . peggotty , unfolding it a little way . ten pound , you see . and wrote inside , from a true friend , like the fust . but the fust was put underneath the door , and this come by the post , day afore yesterday . im a going to seek her at the post mark . he showed it to me . it was a town on the upper rhine . he had found out , at yarmouth , some foreign dealers who knew that country , and they had drawn him a rude map on paper , which he could very well understand . he laid it between us on the table and , with his chin resting on one hand , tracked his course upon it with the other . i asked him how ham was . he shook his head . he works , he said , as bold as a man can . his names as good , in all that part , as any mans is , anywheres in the wureld . anyones hand is ready to help him , you understand , and his is ready to help them . hes never been heerd fur to complain . but my sisters belief is twixt ourselves as it has cut him deep . poor fellow , i can believe it . he aint no care , masr davy , said mr . peggotty in a solemn whisper  no care no how for his life . when a mans wanted for rough sarvice in rough weather , hes theer . when theres hard duty to be done with danger in it , he steps forard afore all his mates . and yet hes as gentle as any child . there aint a child in yarmouth that doent know him . he gathered up the letters thoughtfully , smoothing them with his hand put them into their little bundle and placed it tenderly in his breast again . the face was gone from the door . i still saw the snow drifting in but nothing else was there . well . he said , looking to his bag , having seen you tonight , masr davy i shall away betimes tomorrow morning . you have seen what ive got heer putting his hand on where the little packet lay all that troubles me is , to think that any harm might come to me , afore that money was give back . if i was to die , and it was lost , or stole , or elseways made away with , and it was never knowd by him but what id took it , i believe the tother wureld wouldnt hold me . i believe i must come back . he rose , and i rose too we grasped each other by the hand again , before going out . id go ten thousand mile , he said , id go till i dropped dead , to lay that money down afore him . if i do that , and find my emly , im content . if i doent find her , maybe shell come to hear , sometime , as her loving uncle only ended his search for her when he ended his life and if i know her , even that will turn her home at last . as he went out into the rigorous night , i saw the lonely figure flit away before us . i turned him hastily on some pretence , and held him in conversation until it was gone . he spoke of a travellers house on the dover road , where he knew he could find a clean , plain lodging for the night . i went with him over westminster bridge , and parted from him on the surrey shore . everything seemed , to my imagination , to be hushed in reverence for him , as he resumed his solitary journey through the snow . i returned to the inn yard , and , impressed by my remembrance of the face , looked awfully around for it . it was not there . the snow had covered our late footprints my new track was the only one to be seen and even that began to die away as i looked back over my shoulder . chapter . doras aunts at last , an answer came from the two old ladies . they presented their compliments to mr . copperfield , and informed him that they had given his letter their best consideration , with a view to the happiness of both parties  i thought rather an alarming expression , not only because of the use they had made of it in relation to the family difference before mentioned, , but because i had observed that conventional phrases are a sort of fireworks , easily let off , and liable to take a great variety of shapes and colours not at all suggested by their original form . the misses spenlow added that they begged to forbear expressing , through the medium of correspondence , an opinion on the subject of mr . copperfields communication but that if mr . copperfield would do them the favour to call , upon a certain day they would be happy to hold some conversation on the subject . to this favour , mr . copperfield immediately replied , with his respectful compliments , that he would have the honour of waiting on the misses spenlow , at the time appointed accompanied , in accordance with their kind permission , by his friend mr . thomas traddles of the inner temple . having dispatched which missive , mr . copperfield fell into a condition of strong nervous agitation and so remained until the day arrived . it was a great augmentation of my uneasiness to be bereaved , at this eventful crisis , of the inestimable services of miss mills . but mr . mills , who was always doing something or other to annoy me  i felt as if he were , which was the same thing  brought his conduct to a climax , by taking it into his head that he would go to india . why should he go to india , except to harass me . to be sure he had nothing to do with any other part of the world , and had a good deal to do with that part being entirely in the india trade , whatever that was i had floating dreams myself concerning golden shawls and elephants teeth having been at calcutta in his youth and designing now to go out there again , in the capacity of resident partner . but this was nothing to me . however , it was so much to him that for india he was bound , and julia with him and julia went into the country to take leave of her relations and the house was put into a perfect suit of bills , announcing that it was to be let or sold , and that the furniture mangle and all was to be taken at a valuation . so , here was another earthquake of which i became the sport , before i had recovered from the shock of its predecessor . i was in several minds how to dress myself on the important day being divided between my desire to appear to advantage , and my apprehensions of putting on anything that might impair my severely practical character in the eyes of the misses spenlow . i endeavoured to hit a happy medium between these two extremes my aunt approved the result and mr . dick threw one of his shoes after traddles and me , for luck , as we went downstairs . excellent fellow as i knew traddles to be , and warmly attached to him as i was , i could not help wishing , on that delicate occasion , that he had never contracted the habit of brushing his hair so very upright . it gave him a surprised look  to say a hearth broomy kind of expression  , my apprehensions whispered , might be fatal to us . i took the liberty of mentioning it to traddles , as we were walking to putney and saying that if he would smooth it down a little  my dear copperfield , said traddles , lifting off his hat , and rubbing his hair all kinds of ways , nothing would give me greater pleasure . but it wont . wont be smoothed down . said i . no , said traddles . nothing will induce it . if i was to carry a half hundred upon it , all the way to putney , it would be up again the moment the weight was taken off . you have no idea what obstinate hair mine is , copperfield . i am quite a fretful porcupine . i was a little disappointed , i must confess , but thoroughly charmed by his good nature too . i told him how i esteemed his good nature and said that his hair must have taken all the obstinacy out of his character , for he had none . oh . returned traddles , laughing . i assure you , its quite an old story , my unfortunate hair . my uncles wife couldnt bear it . she said it exasperated her . it stood very much in my way , too , when i first fell in love with sophy . very much . did she object to it . she didnt , rejoined traddles but her eldest sister  one thats the beauty  made game of it , i understand . in fact , all the sisters laugh at it . agreeable . said i . yes , returned traddles with perfect innocence , its a joke for us . they pretend that sophy has a lock of it in her desk , and is obliged to shut it in a clasped book , to keep it down . we laugh about it . by the by , my dear traddles , said i , your experience may suggest something to me . when you became engaged to the young lady whom you have just mentioned , did you make a regular proposal to her family . was there anything like  we are going through today , for instance . i added , nervously . why , replied traddles , on whose attentive face a thoughtful shade had stolen , it was rather a painful transaction , copperfield , in my case . you see , sophy being of so much use in the family , none of them could endure the thought of her ever being married . indeed , they had quite settled among themselves that she never was to be married , and they called her the old maid . accordingly , when i mentioned it , with the greatest precaution , to mrs . crewler  the mama . said i . the mama , said traddles  horace crewler  i mentioned it with every possible precaution to mrs . crewler , the effect upon her was such that she gave a scream and became insensible . i couldnt approach the subject again , for months . you did at last . said i . well , the reverend horace did , said traddles . he is an excellent man , most exemplary in every way and he pointed out to her that she ought , as a christian , to reconcile herself to the sacrifice especially as it was so uncertain , and to bear no uncharitable feeling towards me . as to myself , copperfield , i give you my word , i felt a perfect bird of prey towards the family . the sisters took your part , i hope , traddles . why , i cant say they did , he returned . when we had comparatively reconciled mrs . crewler to it , we had to break it to sarah . you recollect my mentioning sarah , as the one that has something the matter with her spine . perfectly . she clenched both her hands , said traddles , looking at me in dismay shut her eyes turned lead colour became perfectly stiff and took nothing for two days but toast and , administered with a tea spoon . what a very unpleasant girl , traddles . i remarked . oh , i beg your pardon , copperfield . said traddles . she is a very charming girl , but she has a great deal of feeling . in fact , they all have . sophy told me afterwards , that the self reproach she underwent while she was in attendance upon sarah , no words could describe . i know it must have been severe , by my own feelings , copperfield which were like a criminals . after sarah was restored , we still had to break it to the other eight and it produced various effects upon them of a most pathetic nature . the two little ones , whom sophy educates , have only just left off de testing me . at any rate , they are all reconciled to it now , i hope . said i . ye yes, , i should say they were , on the whole , resigned to it , said traddles , doubtfully . the fact is , we avoid mentioning the subject and my unsettled prospects and indifferent circumstances are a great consolation to them . there will be a deplorable scene , whenever we are married . it will be much more like a funeral , than a wedding . and theyll all hate me for taking her away . his honest face , as he looked at me with a serio comic shake of his head , impresses me more in the remembrance than it did in the reality , for i was by this time in a state of such excessive trepidation and wandering of mind , as to be quite unable to fix my attention on anything . on our approaching the house where the misses spenlow lived , i was at such a discount in respect of my personal looks and presence of mind , that traddles proposed a gentle stimulant in the form of a glass of ale . this having been administered at a neighbouring public house, , he conducted me , with tottering steps , to the misses spenlows door . i had a vague sensation of being , as it were , on view , when the maid opened it and of wavering , somehow , across a hall with a weather glass in it , into a quiet little drawing room on the ground floor, , commanding a neat garden . also of sitting down here , on a sofa , and seeing traddless hair start up , now his hat was removed , like one of those obtrusive little figures made of springs , that fly out of fictitious snuff boxes when the lid is taken off . also of hearing an old fashioned clock ticking away on the chimney piece, , and trying to make it keep time to the jerking of my heart  , it wouldnt . also of looking round the room for any sign of dora , and seeing none . also of thinking that jip once barked in the distance , and was instantly choked by somebody . ultimately i found myself backing traddles into the fireplace , and bowing in great confusion to two dry little elderly ladies , dressed in black , and each looking wonderfully like a preparation in chip or tan of the late mr . spenlow . pray , said one of the two little ladies , be seated . when i had done tumbling over traddles , and had sat upon something which was not a cat  first seat was  so far recovered my sight , as to perceive that mr . spenlow had evidently been the youngest of the family that there was a disparity of six or eight years between the two sisters and that the younger appeared to be the manager of the conference , inasmuch as she had my letter in her hand  familiar as it looked to me , and yet so odd . was referring to it through an eye glass . they were dressed alike , but this sister wore her dress with a more youthful air than the other and perhaps had a trifle more frill , or tucker , or brooch , or bracelet , or some little thing of that kind , which made her look more lively . they were both upright in their carriage , formal , precise , composed , and quiet . the sister who had not my letter , had her arms crossed on her breast , and resting on each other , like an idol . mr . copperfield , i believe , said the sister who had got my letter , addressing herself to traddles . this was a frightful beginning . traddles had to indicate that i was mr . copperfield , and i had to lay claim to myself , and they had to divest themselves of a preconceived opinion that traddles was mr . copperfield , and altogether we were in a nice condition . to improve it , we all distinctly heard jip give two short barks , and receive another choke . mr . copperfield . said the sister with the letter . i did something  , i suppose  was all attention , when the other sister struck in . my sister lavinia , said she being conversant with matters of this nature , will state what we consider most calculated to promote the happiness of both parties . i discovered afterwards that miss lavinia was an authority in affairs of the heart , by reason of there having anciently existed a certain mr . pidger , who played short whist , and was supposed to have been enamoured of her . my private opinion is , that this was entirely a gratuitous assumption , and that pidger was altogether innocent of any such sentiments  which he had never given any sort of expression that i could ever hear of . both miss lavinia and miss clarissa had a superstition , however , that he would have declared his passion , if he had not been cut short in his youth by over drinking his constitution , and over doing an attempt to set it right again by swilling bath water . they had a lurking suspicion even , that he died of secret love though i must say there was a picture of him in the house with a damask nose , which concealment did not appear to have ever preyed upon . we will not , said miss lavinia , enter on the past history of this matter . our poor brother franciss death has cancelled that . we had not , said miss clarissa , been in the habit of frequent association with our brother francis but there was no decided division or disunion between us . francis took his road we took ours . we considered it conducive to the happiness of all parties that it should be so . and it was so . each of the sisters leaned a little forward to speak , shook her head after speaking , and became upright again when silent . miss clarissa never moved her arms . she sometimes played tunes upon them with her fingers  and marches i should think  never moved them . our nieces position , or supposed position , is much changed by our brother franciss death , said miss lavinia and therefore we consider our brothers opinions as regarded her position as being changed too . we have no reason to doubt , mr . copperfield , that you are a young gentleman possessed of good qualities and honourable character or that you have an affection  are fully persuaded that you have an affection  our niece . i replied , as i usually did whenever i had a chance , that nobody had ever loved anybody else as i loved dora . traddles came to my assistance with a confirmatory murmur . miss lavinia was going on to make some rejoinder , when miss clarissa , who appeared to be incessantly beset by a desire to refer to her brother francis , struck in again if doras mama , she said , when she married our brother francis , had at once said that there was not room for the family at the dinner table, , it would have been better for the happiness of all parties . sister clarissa , said miss lavinia . perhaps we neednt mind that now . sister lavinia , said miss clarissa , it belongs to the subject . with your branch of the subject , on which alone you are competent to speak , i should not think of interfering . on this branch of the subject i have a voice and an opinion . it would have been better for the happiness of all parties , if doras mama , when she married our brother francis , had mentioned plainly what her intentions were . we should then have known what we had to expect . we should have said pray do not invite us , at any time and all possibility of misunderstanding would have been avoided . when miss clarissa had shaken her head , miss lavinia resumed again referring to my letter through her eye glass . they both had little bright round twinkling eyes , by the way , which were like birds eyes . they were not unlike birds , altogether having a sharp , brisk , sudden manner , and a little short , spruce way of adjusting themselves , like canaries . miss lavinia , as i have said , resumed you ask permission of my sister clarissa and myself , mr . copperfield , to visit here , as the accepted suitor of our niece . if our brother francis , said miss clarissa , breaking out again , if i may call anything so calm a breaking out , wished to surround himself with an atmosphere of doctors commons , and of doctors commons only , what right or desire had we to object . none , i am sure . we have ever been far from wishing to obtrude ourselves on anyone . but why not say so . let our brother francis and his wife have their society . let my sister lavinia and myself have our society . we can find it for ourselves , i hope . as this appeared to be addressed to traddles and me , both traddles and i made some sort of reply . traddles was inaudible . i think i observed , myself , that it was highly creditable to all concerned . i dont in the least know what i meant . sister lavinia , said miss clarissa , having now relieved her mind , you can go on , my dear . miss lavinia proceeded mr . copperfield , my sister clarissa and i have been very careful indeed in considering this letter and we have not considered it without finally showing it to our niece , and discussing it with our niece . we have no doubt that you think you like her very much . think , maam , i rapturously began , oh . but miss clarissa giving me a look as requesting that i would not interrupt the oracle , i begged pardon . affection , said miss lavinia , glancing at her sister for corroboration , which she gave in the form of a little nod to every clause , mature affection , homage , devotion , does not easily express itself . its voice is low . it is modest and retiring , it lies in ambush , waits and waits . such is the mature fruit . sometimes a life glides away , and finds it still ripening in the shade . of course i did not understand then that this was an allusion to her supposed experience of the stricken pidger but i saw , from the gravity with which miss clarissa nodded her head , that great weight was attached to these words . the light  i call them , in comparison with such sentiments , the light  of very young people , pursued miss lavinia , are dust , compared to rocks . it is owing to the difficulty of knowing whether they are likely to endure or have any real foundation , that my sister clarissa and myself have been very undecided how to act , mr . copperfield , and mr . traddles , said my friend , finding himself looked at . i beg pardon . of the inner temple , i believe . said miss clarissa , again glancing at my letter . traddles said exactly so , and became pretty red in the face . now , although i had not received any express encouragement as yet , i fancied that i saw in the two little sisters , and particularly in miss lavinia , an intensified enjoyment of this new and fruitful subject of domestic interest , a settling down to make the most of it , a disposition to pet it , in which there was a good bright ray of hope . i thought i perceived that miss lavinia would have uncommon satisfaction in superintending two young lovers , like dora and me and that miss clarissa would have hardly less satisfaction in seeing her superintend us , and in chiming in with her own particular department of the subject whenever that impulse was strong upon her . this gave me courage to protest most vehemently that i loved dora better than i could tell , or anyone believe that all my friends knew how i loved her that my aunt , agnes , traddles , everyone who knew me , knew how i loved her , and how earnest my love had made me . for the truth of this , i appealed to traddles . and traddles , firing up as if he were plunging into a parliamentary debate , really did come out nobly confirming me in good round terms , and in a plain sensible practical manner , that evidently made a favourable impression . i speak , if i may presume to say so , as one who has some little experience of such things , said traddles , being myself engaged to a young lady  of ten , down in devonshire  seeing no probability , at present , of our engagement coming to a termination . you may be able to confirm what i have said , mr . traddles , observed miss lavinia , evidently taking a new interest in him , of the affection that is modest and retiring that waits and waits . entirely , maam , said traddles . miss clarissa looked at miss lavinia , and shook her head gravely . miss lavinia looked consciously at miss clarissa , and heaved a little sigh . sister lavinia , said miss clarissa , take my smelling bottle . miss lavinia revived herself with a few whiffs of aromatic vinegar  and i looking on with great solicitude the while and then went on to say , rather faintly my sister and myself have been in great doubt , mr . traddles , what course we ought to take in reference to the likings , or imaginary likings , of such very young people as your friend mr . copperfield and our niece . our brother franciss child , remarked miss clarissa . if our brother franciss wife had found it convenient in her lifetime though she had an unquestionable right to act as she thought best to invite the family to her dinner table, , we might have known our brother franciss child better at the present moment . sister lavinia , proceed . miss lavinia turned my letter , so as to bring the superscription towards herself , and referred through her eye glass to some orderly looking notes she had made on that part of it . it seems to us , said she , prudent , mr . traddles , to bring these feelings to the test of our own observation . at present we know nothing of them , and are not in a situation to judge how much reality there may be in them . therefore we are inclined so far to accede to mr . copperfields proposal , as to admit his visits here . i shall never , dear ladies , i exclaimed , relieved of an immense load of apprehension , forget your kindness . but , pursued miss lavinia  , we would prefer to regard those visits , mr . traddles , as made , at present , to us . we must guard ourselves from recognizing any positive engagement between mr . copperfield and our niece , until we have had an opportunity  until you have had an opportunity , sister lavinia , said miss clarissa . be it so , assented miss lavinia , with a sigh  i have had an opportunity of observing them . copperfield , said traddles , turning to me , you feel , i am sure , that nothing could be more reasonable or considerate . nothing . cried i . i am deeply sensible of it . in this position of affairs , said miss lavinia , again referring to her notes , and admitting his visits on this understanding only , we must require from mr . copperfield a distinct assurance , on his word of honour , that no communication of any kind shall take place between him and our niece without our knowledge . that no project whatever shall be entertained with regard to our niece , without being first submitted to us  to you , sister lavinia , miss clarissa interposed . be it so , clarissa . assented miss lavinia resignedly  me  receiving our concurrence . we must make this a most express and serious stipulation , not to be broken on any account . we wished mr . copperfield to be accompanied by some confidential friend today , with an inclination of her head towards traddles , who bowed , in order that there might be no doubt or misconception on this subject . if mr . copperfield , or if you , mr . traddles , feel the least scruple , in giving this promise , i beg you to take time to consider it . i exclaimed , in a state of high ecstatic fervour , that not a moments consideration could be necessary . i bound myself by the required promise , in a most impassioned manner called upon traddles to witness it and denounced myself as the most atrocious of characters if i ever swerved from it in the least degree . stay . said miss lavinia , holding up her hand we resolved , before we had the pleasure of receiving you two gentlemen , to leave you alone for a quarter of an hour , to consider this point . you will allow us to retire . it was in vain for me to say that no consideration was necessary . they persisted in withdrawing for the specified time . accordingly , these little birds hopped out with great dignity leaving me to receive the congratulations of traddles , and to feel as if i were translated to regions of exquisite happiness . exactly at the expiration of the quarter of an hour , they reappeared with no less dignity than they had disappeared . they had gone rustling away as if their little dresses were made of autumn leaves and they came rustling back , in like manner . i then bound myself once more to the prescribed conditions . sister clarissa , said miss lavinia , the rest is with you . miss clarissa , unfolding her arms for the first time , took the notes and glanced at them . we shall be happy , said miss clarissa , to see mr . copperfield to dinner , every sunday , if it should suit his convenience . our hour is three . i bowed . in the course of the week , said miss clarissa , we shall be happy to see mr . copperfield to tea . our hour is half past six . i bowed again . twice in the week , said miss clarissa , but , as a rule , not oftener . i bowed again . miss trotwood , said miss clarissa , mentioned in mr . copperfields letter , will perhaps call upon us . when visiting is better for the happiness of all parties , we are glad to receive visits , and return them . when it is better for the happiness of all parties that no visiting should take place , as in the case of our brother francis , and his establishment that is quite different . i intimated that my aunt would be proud and delighted to make their acquaintance though i must say i was not quite sure of their getting on very satisfactorily together . the conditions being now closed , i expressed my acknowledgements in the warmest manner and , taking the hand , first of miss clarissa , and then of miss lavinia , pressed it , in each case , to my lips . miss lavinia then arose , and begging mr . traddles to excuse us for a minute , requested me to follow her . i obeyed , all in a tremble , and was conducted into another room . there i found my blessed darling stopping her ears behind the door , with her dear little face against the wall and jip in the plate warmer with his head tied up in a towel . oh . how beautiful she was in her black frock , and how she sobbed and cried at first , and wouldnt come out from behind the door . how fond we were of one another , when she did come out at last and what a state of bliss i was in , when we took jip out of the plate warmer, , and restored him to the light , sneezing very much , and were all three reunited . my dearest dora . now , indeed , my own for ever . oh , dont . pleaded dora . please . are you not my own for ever , dora . oh yes , of course i am . cried dora , but i am so frightened . frightened , my own . oh yes . i dont like him , said dora . why dont he go . who , my life . your friend , said dora . it isnt any business of his . what a stupid he must be . my love . he is the best creature . oh , but we dont want any best creatures . pouted dora . my dear , i argued , you will soon know him well , and like him of all things . and here is my aunt coming soon and youll like her of all things too , when you know her . no , please dont bring her . said dora , giving me a horrified little kiss , and folding her hands . dont . i know shes a naughty , mischief making old thing . dont let her come here , doady . which was a corruption of david . remonstrance was of no use , then so i laughed , and admired , and was very much in love and very happy and she showed me jips new trick of standing on his hind legs in a corner  he did for about the space of a flash of lightning , and then fell down  i dont know how long i should have stayed there , oblivious of traddles , if miss lavinia had not come in to take me away . miss lavinia was very fond of dora she told me dora was exactly like what she had been herself at her age  must have altered a good deal , and she treated dora just as if she had been a toy . i wanted to persuade dora to come and see traddles , but on my proposing it she ran off to her own room and locked herself in so i went to traddles without her , and walked away with him on air . nothing could be more satisfactory , said traddles and they are very agreeable old ladies , i am sure . i shouldnt be at all surprised if you were to be married years before me , copperfield . does your sophy play on any instrument , traddles . i inquired , in the pride of my heart . she knows enough of the piano to teach it to her little sisters , said traddles . does she sing at all . i asked . why , she sings ballads , sometimes , to freshen up the others a little when theyre out of spirits , said traddles . nothing scientific . she doesnt sing to the guitar . said i . oh dear no . said traddles . paint at all . not at all , said traddles . i promised traddles that he should hear dora sing , and see some of her flower painting . he said he should like it very much , and we went home arm in arm in great good humour and delight . i encouraged him to talk about sophy , on the way which he did with a loving reliance on her that i very much admired . i compared her in my mind with dora , with considerable inward satisfaction but i candidly admitted to myself that she seemed to be an excellent kind of girl for traddles , too . of course my aunt was immediately made acquainted with the successful issue of the conference , and with all that had been said and done in the course of it . she was happy to see me so happy , and promised to call on doras aunts without loss of time . but she took such a long walk up and down our rooms that night , while i was writing to agnes , that i began to think she meant to walk till morning . my letter to agnes was a fervent and grateful one , narrating all the good effects that had resulted from my following her advice . she wrote , by return of post , to me . her letter was hopeful , earnest , and cheerful . she was always cheerful from that time . i had my hands more full than ever , now . my daily journeys to highgate considered , putney was a long way off and i naturally wanted to go there as often as i could . the proposed tea drinkings being quite impracticable , i compounded with miss lavinia for permission to visit every saturday afternoon , without detriment to my privileged sundays . so , the close of every week was a delicious time for me and i got through the rest of the week by looking forward to it . i was wonderfully relieved to find that my aunt and doras aunts rubbed on , all things considered , much more smoothly than i could have expected . my aunt made her promised visit within a few days of the conference and within a few more days , doras aunts called upon her , in due state and form . similar but more friendly exchanges took place afterwards , usually at intervals of three or four weeks . i know that my aunt distressed doras aunts very much , by utterly setting at naught the dignity of fly conveyance, , and walking out to putney at extraordinary times , as shortly after breakfast or just before tea likewise by wearing her bonnet in any manner that happened to be comfortable to her head , without at all deferring to the prejudices of civilization on that subject . but doras aunts soon agreed to regard my aunt as an eccentric and somewhat masculine lady , with a strong understanding and although my aunt occasionally ruffled the feathers of doras aunts , by expressing heretical opinions on various points of ceremony , she loved me too well not to sacrifice some of her little peculiarities to the general harmony . the only member of our small society who positively refused to adapt himself to circumstances , was jip . he never saw my aunt without immediately displaying every tooth in his head , retiring under a chair , and growling incessantly with now and then a doleful howl , as if she really were too much for his feelings . all kinds of treatment were tried with him , coaxing , scolding , slapping , bringing him to buckingham street where he instantly dashed at the two cats , to the terror of all beholders but he never could prevail upon himself to bear my aunts society . he would sometimes think he had got the better of his objection , and be amiable for a few minutes and then would put up his snub nose , and howl to that extent , that there was nothing for it but to blind him and put him in the plate warmer . at length , dora regularly muffled him in a towel and shut him up there , whenever my aunt was reported at the door . one thing troubled me much , after we had fallen into this quiet train . it was , that dora seemed by one consent to be regarded like a pretty toy or plaything . my aunt , with whom she gradually became familiar , always called her little blossom and the pleasure of miss lavinias life was to wait upon her , curl her hair , make ornaments for her , and treat her like a pet child . what miss lavinia did , her sister did as a matter of course . it was very odd to me but they all seemed to treat dora , in her degree , much as dora treated jip in his . i made up my mind to speak to dora about this and one day when we were out walking for we were licensed by miss lavinia , after a while , to go out walking by ourselves , i said to her that i wished she could get them to behave towards her differently . because you know , my darling , i remonstrated , you are not a child . there . said dora . now youre going to be cross . cross , my love . i am sure theyre very kind to me , said dora , and i am very happy  well . but my dearest life . said i , you might be very happy , and yet be treated rationally . dora gave me a reproachful look  prettiest look . then began to sob , saying , if i didnt like her , why had i ever wanted so much to be engaged to her . and why didnt i go away , now , if i couldnt bear her . what could i do , but kiss away her tears , and tell her how i doted on her , after that . i am sure i am very affectionate , said dora you oughtnt to be cruel to me , doady . cruel , my precious love . as if i would  could  cruel to you , for the world . then dont find fault with me , said dora , making a rosebud of her mouth and ill be good . i was charmed by her presently asking me , of her own accord , to give her that cookery book i had once spoken of , and to show her how to keep accounts as i had once promised i would . i brought the volume with me on my next visit i got it prettily bound , first , to make it look less dry and more inviting and as we strolled about the common , i showed her an old housekeeping book of my aunts , and gave her a set of tablets , and a pretty little pencil case and box of leads , to practise housekeeping with . but the cookery book made doras head ache , and the figures made her cry . they wouldnt add up , she said . so she rubbed them out , and drew little nosegays and likenesses of me and jip , all over the tablets . then i playfully tried verbal instruction in domestic matters , as we walked about on a saturday afternoon . sometimes , for example , when we passed a butchers shop , i would say now suppose , my pet , that we were married , and you were going to buy a shoulder of mutton for dinner , would you know how to buy it . my pretty little doras face would fall , and she would make her mouth into a bud again , as if she would very much prefer to shut mine with a kiss . would you know how to buy it , my darling . i would repeat , perhaps , if i were very inflexible . dora would think a little , and then reply , perhaps , with great triumph why , the butcher would know how to sell it , and what need i know . oh , you silly boy . so , when i once asked dora , with an eye to the cookery book, , what she would do , if we were married , and i were to say i should like a nice irish stew , she replied that she would tell the servant to make it and then clapped her little hands together across my arm , and laughed in such a charming manner that she was more delightful than ever . consequently , the principal use to which the cookery book was devoted , was being put down in the corner for jip to stand upon . but dora was so pleased , when she had trained him to stand upon it without offering to come off , and at the same time to hold the pencil case in his mouth , that i was very glad i had bought it . and we fell back on the guitar case, , and the flower painting, , and the songs about never leaving off dancing , ta ra la . and were as happy as the week was long . i occasionally wished i could venture to hint to miss lavinia , that she treated the darling of my heart a little too much like a plaything and i sometimes awoke , as it were , wondering to find that i had fallen into the general fault , and treated her like a plaything too  not often . chapter . mischief i feel as if it were not for me to record , even though this manuscript is intended for no eyes but mine , how hard i worked at that tremendous short hand, , and all improvement appertaining to it , in my sense of responsibility to dora and her aunts . i will only add , to what i have already written of my perseverance at this time of my life , and of a patient and continuous energy which then began to be matured within me , and which i know to be the strong part of my character , if it have any strength at all , that there , on looking back , i find the source of my success . i have been very fortunate in worldly matters many men have worked much harder , and not succeeded half so well but i never could have done what i have done , without the habits of punctuality , order , and diligence , without the determination to concentrate myself on one object at a time , no matter how quickly its successor should come upon its heels , which i then formed . heaven knows i write this , in no spirit of self laudation . the man who reviews his own life , as i do mine , in going on here , from page to page , had need to have been a good man indeed , if he would be spared the sharp consciousness of many talents neglected , many opportunities wasted , many erratic and perverted feelings constantly at war within his breast , and defeating him . i do not hold one natural gift , i dare say , that i have not abused . my meaning simply is , that whatever i have tried to do in life , i have tried with all my heart to do well that whatever i have devoted myself to , i have devoted myself to completely that in great aims and in small , i have always been thoroughly in earnest . i have never believed it possible that any natural or improved ability can claim immunity from the companionship of the steady , plain , hard working qualities , and hope to gain its end . there is no such thing as such fulfilment on this earth . some happy talent , and some fortunate opportunity , may form the two sides of the ladder on which some men mount , but the rounds of that ladder must be made of stuff to stand wear and tear and there is no substitute for thorough going, , ardent , and sincere earnestness . never to put one hand to anything , on which i could throw my whole self and never to affect depreciation of my work , whatever it was i find , now , to have been my golden rules . how much of the practice i have just reduced to precept , i owe to agnes , i will not repeat here . my narrative proceeds to agnes , with a thankful love . she came on a visit of a fortnight to the doctors . mr . wickfield was the doctors old friend , and the doctor wished to talk with him , and do him good . it had been matter of conversation with agnes when she was last in town , and this visit was the result . she and her father came together . i was not much surprised to hear from her that she had engaged to find a lodging in the neighbourhood for mrs . heep , whose rheumatic complaint required change of air , and who would be charmed to have it in such company . neither was i surprised when , on the very next day , uriah , like a dutiful son , brought his worthy mother to take possession . you see , master copperfield , said he , as he forced himself upon my company for a turn in the doctors garden , where a person loves , a person is a little jealous  , anxious to keep an eye on the beloved one . of whom are you jealous , now . said i . thanks to you , master copperfield , he returned , of no one in particular just at present  male person , at least . do you mean that you are jealous of a female person . he gave me a sidelong glance out of his sinister red eyes , and laughed . really , master copperfield , he said , should say mister , but i know youll excuse the abit ive got into  so insinuating , that you draw me like a corkscrew . well , i dont mind telling you , putting his fish like hand on mine , im not a ladys man in general , sir , and i never was , with mrs . strong . his eyes looked green now , as they watched mine with a rascally cunning . what do you mean . said i . why , though i am a lawyer , master copperfield , he replied , with a dry grin , i mean , just at present , what i say . and what do you mean by your look . i retorted , quietly . by my look . dear me , copperfield , thats sharp practice . what do i mean by my look . yes , said i . by your look . he seemed very much amused , and laughed as heartily as it was in his nature to laugh . after some scraping of his chin with his hand , he went on to say , with his eyes cast downward  scraping , very slowly when i was but an umble clerk , she always looked down upon me . she was for ever having my agnes backwards and forwards at her ouse , and she was for ever being a friend to you , master copperfield but i was too far beneath her , myself , to be noticed . well . said i suppose you were . beneath him too , pursued uriah , very distinctly , and in a meditative tone of voice , as he continued to scrape his chin . dont you know the doctor better , said i , than to suppose him conscious of your existence , when you were not before him . he directed his eyes at me in that sidelong glance again , and he made his face very lantern jawed, , for the greater convenience of scraping , as he answered oh dear , i am not referring to the doctor . oh no , poor man . i mean mr . maldon . my heart quite died within me . all my old doubts and apprehensions on that subject , all the doctors happiness and peace , all the mingled possibilities of innocence and compromise , that i could not unravel , i saw , in a moment , at the mercy of this fellows twisting . he never could come into the office , without ordering and shoving me about , said uriah . one of your fine gentlemen he was . i was very meek and umble  i am . but i didnt like that sort of thing  i dont . he left off scraping his chin , and sucked in his cheeks until they seemed to meet inside keeping his sidelong glance upon me all the while . she is one of your lovely women , she is , he pursued , when he had slowly restored his face to its natural form and ready to be no friend to such as me , i know . shes just the person as would put my agnes up to higher sort of game . now , i aint one of your ladys men , master copperfield but ive had eyes in my ed , a pretty long time back . we umble ones have got eyes , mostly speaking  we look out of em . i endeavoured to appear unconscious and not disquieted , but , i saw in his face , with poor success . now , im not a going to let myself be run down , copperfield , he continued , raising that part of his countenance , where his red eyebrows would have been if he had any , with malignant triumph , and i shall do what i can to put a stop to this friendship . i dont approve of it . i dont mind acknowledging to you that ive got rather a grudging disposition , and want to keep off all intruders . i aint a going, , if i know it , to run the risk of being plotted against . you are always plotting , and delude yourself into the belief that everybody else is doing the like , i think , said i . perhaps so , master copperfield , he replied . but ive got a motive , as my fellow partner used to say and i go at it tooth and nail . i mustnt be put upon , as a numble person , too much . i cant allow people in my way . really they must come out of the cart , master copperfield . i dont understand you , said i . dont you , though . he returned , with one of his jerks . im astonished at that , master copperfield , you being usually so quick . ill try to be plainer , another time . that mr . maldon a norseback, , ringing at the gate , sir . it looks like him , i replied , as carelessly as i could . uriah stopped short , put his hands between his great knobs of knees , and doubled himself up with laughter . with perfectly silent laughter . not a sound escaped from him . i was so repelled by his odious behaviour , particularly by this concluding instance , that i turned away without any ceremony and left him doubled up in the middle of the garden , like a scarecrow in want of support . it was not on that evening but , as i well remember , on the next evening but one , which was a sunday that i took agnes to see dora . i had arranged the visit , beforehand , with miss lavinia and agnes was expected to tea . i was in a flutter of pride and anxiety pride in my dear little betrothed , and anxiety that agnes should like her . all the way to putney , agnes being inside the stage coach, , and i outside , i pictured dora to myself in every one of the pretty looks i knew so well now making up my mind that i should like her to look exactly as she looked at such a time , and then doubting whether i should not prefer her looking as she looked at such another time and almost worrying myself into a fever about it . i was troubled by no doubt of her being very pretty , in any case but it fell out that i had never seen her look so well . she was not in the drawing room when i presented agnes to her little aunts , but was shyly keeping out of the way . i knew where to look for her , now and sure enough i found her stopping her ears again , behind the same dull old door . at first she wouldnt come at all and then she pleaded for five minutes by my watch . when at length she put her arm through mine , to be taken to the drawing room, , her charming little face was flushed , and had never been so pretty . but , when we went into the room , and it turned pale , she was ten thousand times prettier yet . dora was afraid of agnes . she had told me that she knew agnes was too clever . but when she saw her looking at once so cheerful and so earnest , and so thoughtful , and so good , she gave a faint little cry of pleased surprise , and just put her affectionate arms round agness neck , and laid her innocent cheek against her face . i never was so happy . i never was so pleased as when i saw those two sit down together , side by side . as when i saw my little darling looking up so naturally to those cordial eyes . as when i saw the tender , beautiful regard which agnes cast upon her . miss lavinia and miss clarissa partook , in their way , of my joy . it was the pleasantest tea table in the world . miss clarissa presided . i cut and handed the sweet seed cake little sisters had a bird like fondness for picking up seeds and pecking at sugar miss lavinia looked on with benignant patronage , as if our happy love were all her work and we were perfectly contented with ourselves and one another . the gentle cheerfulness of agnes went to all their hearts . her quiet interest in everything that interested dora her manner of making acquaintance with jip her pleasant way , when dora was ashamed to come over to her usual seat by me her modest grace and ease , eliciting a crowd of blushing little marks of confidence from dora seemed to make our circle quite complete . i am so glad , said dora , after tea , that you like me . i didnt think you would and i want , more than ever , to be liked , now julia mills is gone . i have omitted to mention it , by the by . miss mills had sailed , and dora and i had gone aboard a great east indiaman at gravesend to see her and we had preserved ginger , and guava , and other delicacies of that sort for lunch and we had left miss mills weeping on a camp stool on the quarter deck, , with a large new diary under her arm , in which the original reflections awakened by the contemplation of ocean were to be recorded under lock and key . agnes said she was afraid i must have given her an unpromising character but dora corrected that directly . oh no . she said , shaking her curls at me it was all praise . he thinks so much of your opinion , that i was quite afraid of it . my good opinion cannot strengthen his attachment to some people whom he knows , said agnes , with a smile it is not worth their having . but please let me have it , said dora , in her coaxing way , if you can . we made merry about doras wanting to be liked , and dora said i was a goose , and she didnt like me at any rate , and the short evening flew away on gossamer wings . the time was at hand when the coach was to call for us . i was standing alone before the fire , when dora came stealing softly in , to give me that usual precious little kiss before i went . dont you think , if i had her for a friend a long time ago , doady , said dora , her bright eyes shining very brightly , and her little right hand idly busying itself with one of the buttons of my coat , i might have been more clever perhaps . my love . said i , what nonsense . do you think it is nonsense . returned dora , without looking at me . are you sure it is . of course i am . i have forgotten , said dora , still turning the button round and round , what relation agnes is to you , dear bad boy . no blood relation, , i replied but we were brought up together , like brother and sister . i wonder why you ever fell in love with me . said dora , beginning on another button of my coat . perhaps because i couldnt see you , and not love you , dora . suppose you had never seen me at all , said dora , going to another button . suppose we had never been born . said i , gaily . i wondered what she was thinking about , as i glanced in admiring silence at the little soft hand travelling up the row of buttons on my coat , and at the clustering hair that lay against my breast , and at the lashes of her downcast eyes , slightly rising as they followed her idle fingers . at length her eyes were lifted up to mine , and she stood on tiptoe to give me , more thoughtfully than usual , that precious little kiss  , twice , three times  went out of the room . they all came back together within five minutes afterwards , and doras unusual thoughtfulness was quite gone then . she was laughingly resolved to put jip through the whole of his performances , before the coach came . they took some time not so much on account of their variety , as jips reluctance , and were still unfinished when it was heard at the door . there was a hurried but affectionate parting between agnes and herself and dora was to write to agnes who was not to mind her letters being foolish , she said , and agnes was to write to dora and they had a second parting at the coach door , and a third when dora , in spite of the remonstrances of miss lavinia , would come running out once more to remind agnes at the coach window about writing , and to shake her curls at me on the box . the stage coach was to put us down near covent garden , where we were to take another stage coach for highgate . i was impatient for the short walk in the interval , that agnes might praise dora to me . ah . what praise it was . how lovingly and fervently did it commend the pretty creature i had won , with all her artless graces best displayed , to my most gentle care . how thoughtfully remind me , yet with no pretence of doing so , of the trust in which i held the orphan child . never , had i loved dora so deeply and truly , as i loved her that night . when we had again alighted , and were walking in the starlight along the quiet road that led to the doctors house , i told agnes it was her doing . when you were sitting by her , said i , you seemed to be no less her guardian angel than mine and you seem so now , agnes . a poor angel , she returned , but faithful . the clear tone of her voice , going straight to my heart , made it natural to me to say the cheerfulness that belongs to you , agnes and to no one else that ever i have seen , is so restored , i have observed today , that i have begun to hope you are happier at home . i am happier in myself , she said i am quite cheerful and light hearted . i glanced at the serene face looking upward , and thought it was the stars that made it seem so noble . there has been no change at home , said agnes , after a few moments . no fresh reference , said i , to  wouldnt distress you , agnes , but i cannot help asking  what we spoke of , when we parted last . no , none , she answered . i have thought so much about it . you must think less about it . remember that i confide in simple love and truth at last . have no apprehensions for me , trotwood , she added , after a moment the step you dread my taking , i shall never take . although i think i had never really feared it , in any season of cool reflection , it was an unspeakable relief to me to have this assurance from her own truthful lips . i told her so , earnestly . and when this visit is over , said i  , we may not be alone another time  , long is it likely to be , my dear agnes , before you come to london again . probably a long time , she replied i think it will be best  papas sake  remain at home . we are not likely to meet often , for some time to come but i shall be a good correspondent of doras , and we shall frequently hear of one another that way . we were now within the little courtyard of the doctors cottage . it was growing late . there was a light in the window of mrs . strongs chamber , and agnes , pointing to it , bade me good night . do not be troubled , she said , giving me her hand , by our misfortunes and anxieties . i can be happier in nothing than in your happiness . if you can ever give me help , rely upon it i will ask you for it . god bless you always . in her beaming smile , and in these last tones of her cheerful voice , i seemed again to see and hear my little dora in her company . i stood awhile , looking through the porch at the stars , with a heart full of love and gratitude , and then walked slowly forth . i had engaged a bed at a decent alehouse close by , and was going out at the gate , when , happening to turn my head , i saw a light in the doctors study . a half reproachful fancy came into my mind , that he had been working at the dictionary without my help . with the view of seeing if this were so , and , in any case , of bidding him good night , if he were yet sitting among his books , i turned back , and going softly across the hall , and gently opening the door , looked in . the first person whom i saw , to my surprise , by the sober light of the shaded lamp , was uriah . he was standing close beside it , with one of his skeleton hands over his mouth , and the other resting on the doctors table . the doctor sat in his study chair , covering his face with his hands . mr . wickfield , sorely troubled and distressed , was leaning forward , irresolutely touching the doctors arm . for an instant , i supposed that the doctor was ill . i hastily advanced a step under that impression , when i met uriahs eye , and saw what was the matter . i would have withdrawn , but the doctor made a gesture to detain me , and i remained . at any rate , observed uriah , with a writhe of his ungainly person , we may keep the door shut . we neednt make it known to all the town . saying which , he went on his toes to the door , which i had left open , and carefully closed it . he then came back , and took up his former position . there was an obtrusive show of compassionate zeal in his voice and manner , more intolerable  least to me  any demeanour he could have assumed . i have felt it incumbent upon me , master copperfield , said uriah , to point out to doctor strong what you and me have already talked about . you didnt exactly understand me , though . i gave him a look , but no other answer and , going to my good old master , said a few words that i meant to be words of comfort and encouragement . he put his hand upon my shoulder , as it had been his custom to do when i was quite a little fellow , but did not lift his grey head . as you didnt understand me , master copperfield , resumed uriah in the same officious manner , i may take the liberty of umbly mentioning , being among friends , that i have called doctor strongs attention to the goings on of mrs . strong . its much against the grain with me , i assure you , copperfield , to be concerned in anything so unpleasant but really , as it is , were all mixing ourselves up with what oughtnt to be . that was what my meaning was , sir , when you didnt understand me . i wonder now , when i recall his leer , that i did not collar him , and try to shake the breath out of his body . i dare say i didnt make myself very clear , he went on , nor you neither . naturally , we was both of us inclined to give such a subject a wide berth . howsever , at last i have made up my mind to speak plain and i have mentioned to doctor strong that  you speak , sir . this was to the doctor , who had moaned . the sound might have touched any heart , i thought , but it had no effect upon uriahs . to doctor strong , he proceeded , that anyone may see that mr . maldon , and the lovely and agreeable lady as is doctor strongs wife , are too sweet on one another . really the time is come we being at present all mixing ourselves up with what oughtnt to be , when doctor strong must be told that this was full as plain to everybody as the sun , before mr . maldon went to india that mr . maldon made excuses to come back , for nothing else and that hes always here , for nothing else . when you come in , sir , i was just putting it to my fellow partner, , towards whom he turned , to say to doctor strong upon his word and honour , whether hed ever been of this opinion long ago , or not . come , mr . wickfield , sir . would you be so good as tell us . yes or no , sir . come , partner . for gods sake , my dear doctor , said mr . wickfield again laying his irresolute hand upon the doctors arm , dont attach too much weight to any suspicions i may have entertained . there . cried uriah , shaking his head . what a melancholy confirmation aint it . him . such an old friend . bless your soul , when i was nothing but a clerk in his office , copperfield , ive seen him twenty times , if ive seen him once , quite in a taking about it  put out , you know to think that miss agnes was mixing herself up with what oughtnt to be . my dear strong , said mr . wickfield in a tremulous voice , my good friend , i neednt tell you that it has been my vice to look for some one master motive in everybody , and to try all actions by one narrow test . i may have fallen into such doubts as i have had , through this mistake . you have had doubts , wickfield , said the doctor , without lifting up his head . you have had doubts . speak up , fellow partner, , urged uriah . i had , at one time , certainly , said mr . wickfield . i  forgive me  thought you had . no , . returned the doctor , in a tone of most pathetic grief . i thought , at one time , said mr . wickfield , that you wished to send maldon abroad to effect a desirable separation . no , . returned the doctor . to give annie pleasure , by making some provision for the companion of her childhood . nothing else . so i found , said mr . wickfield . i couldnt doubt it , when you told me so . but i thought  implore you to remember the narrow construction which has been my besetting sin  , in a case where there was so much disparity in point of years  thats the way to put it , you see , master copperfield . observed uriah , with fawning and offensive pity . lady of such youth , and such attractions , however real her respect for you , might have been influenced in marrying , by worldly considerations only . i make no allowance for innumerable feelings and circumstances that may have all tended to good . for heavens sake remember that . how kind he puts it . said uriah , shaking his head . always observing her from one point of view , said mr . wickfield but by all that is dear to you , my old friend , i entreat you to consider what it was i am forced to confess now , having no escape  no . theres no way out of it , mr . wickfield , sir , observed uriah , when its got to this . i did , said mr . wickfield , glancing helplessly and distractedly at his partner , that i did doubt her , and think her wanting in her duty to you and that i did sometimes , if i must say all , feel averse to agnes being in such a familiar relation towards her , as to see what i saw , or in my diseased theory fancied that i saw . i never mentioned this to anyone . i never meant it to be known to anyone . and though it is terrible to you to hear , said mr . wickfield , quite subdued , if you knew how terrible it is for me to tell , you would feel compassion for me . the doctor , in the perfect goodness of his nature , put out his hand . mr . wickfield held it for a little while in his , with his head bowed down . i am sure , said uriah , writhing himself into the silence like a conger eel, , that this is a subject full of unpleasantness to everybody . but since we have got so far , i ought to take the liberty of mentioning that copperfield has noticed it too . i turned upon him , and asked him how he dared refer to me . oh . its very kind of you , copperfield , returned uriah , undulating all over , and we all know what an amiable character yours is but you know that the moment i spoke to you the other night , you knew what i meant . you know you knew what i meant , copperfield . dont deny it . you deny it with the best intentions but dont do it , copperfield . i saw the mild eye of the good old doctor turned upon me for a moment , and i felt that the confession of my old misgivings and remembrances was too plainly written in my face to be overlooked . it was of no use raging . i could not undo that . say what i would , i could not unsay it . we were silent again , and remained so , until the doctor rose and walked twice or thrice across the room . presently he returned to where his chair stood and , leaning on the back of it , and occasionally putting his handkerchief to his eyes , with a simple honesty that did him more honour , to my thinking , than any disguise he could have effected , said i have been much to blame . i believe i have been very much to blame . i have exposed one whom i hold in my heart , to trials and aspersions  call them aspersions , even to have been conceived in anybodys inmost mind  which she never , but for me , could have been the object . uriah heep gave a kind of snivel . i think to express sympathy . of which my annie , said the doctor , never , but for me , could have been the object . gentlemen , i am old now , as you know i do not feel , tonight , that i have much to live for . but my life  the truth and honour of the dear lady who has been the subject of this conversation . i do not think that the best embodiment of chivalry , the realization of the handsomest and most romantic figure ever imagined by painter , could have said this , with a more impressive and affecting dignity than the plain old doctor did . but i am not prepared , he went on , to deny  i may have been , without knowing it , in some degree prepared to admit  i may have unwittingly ensnared that lady into an unhappy marriage . i am a man quite unaccustomed to observe and i cannot but believe that the observation of several people , of different ages and positions , all too plainly tending in one direction is better than mine . i had often admired , as i have elsewhere described , his benignant manner towards his youthful wife but the respectful tenderness he manifested in every reference to her on this occasion , and the almost reverential manner in which he put away from him the lightest doubt of her integrity , exalted him , in my eyes , beyond description . i married that lady , said the doctor , when she was extremely young . i took her to myself when her character was scarcely formed . so far as it was developed , it had been my happiness to form it . i knew her father well . i knew her well . i had taught her what i could , for the love of all her beautiful and virtuous qualities . if i did her wrong as i fear i did , in taking advantage of her gratitude and her affection i ask pardon of that lady , in my heart . he walked across the room , and came back to the same place holding the chair with a grasp that trembled , like his subdued voice , in its earnestness . i regarded myself as a refuge , for her , from the dangers and vicissitudes of life . i persuaded myself that , unequal though we were in years , she would live tranquilly and contentedly with me . i did not shut out of my consideration the time when i should leave her free , and still young and still beautiful , but with her judgement more matured  , gentlemen  my truth . his homely figure seemed to be lightened up by his fidelity and generosity . every word he uttered had a force that no other grace could have imparted to it . my life with this lady has been very happy . until tonight , i have had uninterrupted occasion to bless the day on which i did her great injustice . his voice , more and more faltering in the utterance of these words , stopped for a few moments then he went on once awakened from my dream  have been a poor dreamer , in one way or other , all my life  see how natural it is that she should have some regretful feeling towards her old companion and her equal . that she does regard him with some innocent regret , with some blameless thoughts of what might have been , but for me , is , i fear , too true . much that i have seen , but not noted , has come back upon me with new meaning , during this last trying hour . but , beyond this , gentlemen , the dear ladys name never must be coupled with a word , a breath , of doubt . for a little while , his eye kindled and his voice was firm for a little while he was again silent . presently , he proceeded as before it only remains for me , to bear the knowledge of the unhappiness i have occasioned , as submissively as i can . it is she who should reproach not i . to save her from misconstruction , cruel misconstruction , that even my friends have not been able to avoid , becomes my duty . the more retired we live , the better i shall discharge it . and when the time comes  it come soon , if it be his merciful pleasure . my death shall release her from constraint , i shall close my eyes upon her honoured face , with unbounded confidence and love and leave her , with no sorrow then , to happier and brighter days . i could not see him for the tears which his earnestness and goodness , so adorned by , and so adorning , the perfect simplicity of his manner , brought into my eyes . he had moved to the door , when he added gentlemen , i have shown you my heart . i am sure you will respect it . what we have said tonight is never to be said more . wickfield , give me an old friends arm upstairs . mr . wickfield hastened to him . without interchanging a word they went slowly out of the room together , uriah looking after them . well , master copperfield . said uriah , meekly turning to me . the thing hasnt took quite the turn that might have been expected , for the old scholar  an excellent man . as blind as a brickbat but this familys out of the cart , i think . i needed but the sound of his voice to be so madly enraged as i never was before , and never have been since . you villain , said i , what do you mean by entrapping me into your schemes . how dare you appeal to me just now , you false rascal , as if we had been in discussion together . as we stood , front to front , i saw so plainly , in the stealthy exultation of his face , what i already so plainly knew i mean that he forced his confidence upon me , expressly to make me miserable , and had set a deliberate trap for me in this very matter that i couldnt bear it . the whole of his lank cheek was invitingly before me , and i struck it with my open hand with that force that my fingers tingled as if i had burnt them . he caught the hand in his , and we stood in that connexion , looking at each other . we stood so , a long time long enough for me to see the white marks of my fingers die out of the deep red of his cheek , and leave it a deeper red . copperfield , he said at length , in a breathless voice , have you taken leave of your senses . i have taken leave of you , said i , wresting my hand away . you dog , ill know no more of you . wont you . said he , constrained by the pain of his cheek to put his hand there . perhaps you wont be able to help it . isnt this ungrateful of you , now . i have shown you often enough , said i , that i despise you . i have shown you now , more plainly , that i do . why should i dread your doing your worst to all about you . what else do you ever do . he perfectly understood this allusion to the considerations that had hitherto restrained me in my communications with him . i rather think that neither the blow , nor the allusion , would have escaped me , but for the assurance i had from agnes that night . it is no matter . there was another long pause . his eyes , as he looked at me , seemed to take every shade of colour that could make eyes ugly . copperfield , he said , removing his hand from his cheek , you have always gone against me . i know you always used to be against me at mr . wickfields . you may think what you like , said i , still in a towering rage . if it is not true , so much the worthier you . and yet i always liked you , copperfield . he rejoined . i deigned to make him no reply and , taking up my hat , was going out to bed , when he came between me and the door . copperfield , he said , there must be two parties to a quarrel . i wont be one . you may go to the devil . said i . dont say that . he replied . i know youll be sorry afterwards . how can you make yourself so inferior to me , as to show such a bad spirit . but i forgive you . you forgive me . i repeated disdainfully . i do , and you cant help yourself , replied uriah . to think of your going and attacking me , that have always been a friend to you . but there cant be a quarrel without two parties , and i wont be one . i will be a friend to you , in spite of you . so now you know what youve got to expect . the necessity of carrying on this dialogue his part in which was very slow mine very quick in a low tone , that the house might not be disturbed at an unseasonable hour , did not improve my temper though my passion was cooling down . merely telling him that i should expect from him what i always had expected , and had never yet been disappointed in , i opened the door upon him , as if he had been a great walnut put there to be cracked , and went out of the house . but he slept out of the house too , at his mothers lodging and before i had gone many hundred yards , came up with me . you know , copperfield , he said , in my ear youre in quite a wrong position which i felt to be true , and that made me chafe the more you cant make this a brave thing , and you cant help being forgiven . i dont intend to mention it to mother , nor to any living soul . im determined to forgive you . but i do wonder that you should lift your hand against a person that you knew to be so umble . i felt only less mean than he . he knew me better than i knew myself . if he had retorted or openly exasperated me , it would have been a relief and a justification but he had put me on a slow fire , on which i lay tormented half the night . in the morning , when i came out , the early church bell was ringing , and he was walking up and down with his mother . he addressed me as if nothing had happened , and i could do no less than reply . i had struck him hard enough to give him the toothache , i suppose . at all events his face was tied up in a black silk handkerchief , which , with his hat perched on the top of it , was far from improving his appearance . i heard that he went to a dentists in london on the monday morning , and had a tooth out . i hope it was a double one . the doctor gave out that he was not quite well and remained alone , for a considerable part of every day , during the remainder of the visit . agnes and her father had been gone a week , before we resumed our usual work . on the day preceding its resumption , the doctor gave me with his own hands a folded note not sealed . it was addressed to myself and laid an injunction on me , in a few affectionate words , never to refer to the subject of that evening . i had confided it to my aunt , but to no one else . it was not a subject i could discuss with agnes , and agnes certainly had not the least suspicion of what had passed . neither , i felt convinced , had mrs . strong then . several weeks elapsed before i saw the least change in her . it came on slowly , like a cloud when there is no wind . at first , she seemed to wonder at the gentle compassion with which the doctor spoke to her , and at his wish that she should have her mother with her , to relieve the dull monotony of her life . often , when we were at work , and she was sitting by , i would see her pausing and looking at him with that memorable face . afterwards , i sometimes observed her rise , with her eyes full of tears , and go out of the room . gradually , an unhappy shadow fell upon her beauty , and deepened every day . mrs . markleham was a regular inmate of the cottage then but she talked and talked , and saw nothing . as this change stole on annie , once like sunshine in the doctors house , the doctor became older in appearance , and more grave but the sweetness of his temper , the placid kindness of his manner , and his benevolent solicitude for her , if they were capable of any increase , were increased . i saw him once , early on the morning of her birthday , when she came to sit in the window while we were at work which she had always done , but now began to do with a timid and uncertain air that i thought very touching , take her forehead between his hands , kiss it , and go hurriedly away , too much moved to remain . i saw her stand where he had left her , like a statue and then bend down her head , and clasp her hands , and weep , i cannot say how sorrowfully . sometimes , after that , i fancied that she tried to speak even to me , in intervals when we were left alone . but she never uttered a word . the doctor always had some new project for her participating in amusements away from home , with her mother and mrs . markleham , who was very fond of amusements , and very easily dissatisfied with anything else , entered into them with great good will, , and was loud in her commendations . but annie , in a spiritless unhappy way , only went whither she was led , and seemed to have no care for anything . i did not know what to think . neither did my aunt who must have walked , at various times , a hundred miles in her uncertainty . what was strangest of all was , that the only real relief which seemed to make its way into the secret region of this domestic unhappiness , made its way there in the person of mr . dick . what his thoughts were on the subject , or what his observation was , i am as unable to explain , as i dare say he would have been to assist me in the task . but , as i have recorded in the narrative of my school days , his veneration for the doctor was unbounded and there is a subtlety of perception in real attachment , even when it is borne towards man by one of the lower animals , which leaves the highest intellect behind . to this mind of the heart , if i may call it so , in mr . dick , some bright ray of the truth shot straight . he had proudly resumed his privilege , in many of his spare hours , of walking up and down the garden with the doctor as he had been accustomed to pace up and down the doctors walk at canterbury . but matters were no sooner in this state , than he devoted all his spare time to these perambulations . if he had never been so happy as when the doctor read that marvellous performance , the dictionary , to him he was now quite miserable unless the doctor pulled it out of his pocket , and began . when the doctor and i were engaged , he now fell into the custom of walking up and down with mrs . strong , and helping her to trim her favourite flowers , or weed the beds . i dare say he rarely spoke a dozen words in an hour but his quiet interest , and his wistful face , found immediate response in both their breasts each knew that the other liked him , and that he loved both and he became what no one else could be  link between them . when i think of him , with his impenetrably wise face , walking up and down with the doctor , delighted to be battered by the hard words in the dictionary when i think of him carrying huge watering pots after annie kneeling down , in very paws of gloves , at patient microscopic work among the little leaves expressing as no philosopher could have expressed , in everything he did , a delicate desire to be her friend showering sympathy , trustfulness , and affection , out of every hole in the watering pot when i think of him never wandering in that better mind of his to which unhappiness addressed itself , never bringing the unfortunate king charles into the garden , never wavering in his grateful service , never diverted from his knowledge that there was something wrong , or from his wish to set it right  really feel almost ashamed of having known that he was not quite in his wits , taking account of the utmost i have done with mine . nobody but myself , trot , knows what that man is . my aunt would proudly remark , when we conversed about it . dick will distinguish himself yet . i must refer to one other topic before i close this chapter . while the visit at the doctors was still in progress , i observed that the postman brought two or three letters every morning for uriah heep , who remained at highgate until the rest went back , it being a leisure time and that these were always directed in a business like manner by mr . micawber , who now assumed a round legal hand . i was glad to infer , from these slight premises , that mr . micawber was doing well and consequently was much surprised to receive , about this time , the following letter from his amiable wife . canterbury , monday evening . you will doubtless be surprised , my dear mr . copperfield , to receive this communication . still more so , by its contents . still more so , by the stipulation of implicit confidence which i beg to impose . but my feelings as a wife and mother require relief and as i do not wish to consult my family i know no one of whom i can better ask advice than my friend and former lodger . you may be aware , my dear mr . copperfield , that between myself and mr . micawber there has always been preserved a spirit of mutual confidence . mr . micawber may have occasionally given a bill without consulting me , or he may have misled me as to the period when that obligation would become due . this has actually happened . but , in general , mr . micawber has had no secrets from the bosom of affection  allude to his wife  has invariably , on our retirement to rest , recalled the events of the day . you will picture to yourself , my dear mr . copperfield , what the poignancy of my feelings must be , when i inform you that mr . micawber is entirely changed . he is reserved . he is secret . his life is a mystery to the partner of his joys and sorrows  again allude to his wife  if i should assure you that beyond knowing that it is passed from morning to night at the office , i now know less of it than i do of the man in the south , connected with whose mouth the thoughtless children repeat an idle tale respecting cold plum porridge , i should adopt a popular fallacy to express an actual fact . but this is not all . mr . micawber is morose . he is severe . he is estranged from our eldest son and daughter , he has no pride in his twins , he looks with an eye of coldness even on the unoffending stranger who last became a member of our circle . the pecuniary means of meeting our expenses , kept down to the utmost farthing , are obtained from him with great difficulty , and even under fearful threats that he will settle himself and he inexorably refuses to give any explanation whatever of this distracting policy . this is hard to bear . this is heart breaking . if you will advise me , knowing my feeble powers such as they are , how you think it will be best to exert them in a dilemma so unwonted , you will add another friendly obligation to the many you have already rendered me . with loves from the children , and a smile from the happily unconscious stranger , i remain , dear mr . copperfield , your afflicted , emma micawber . i did not feel justified in giving a wife of mrs . micawbers experience any other recommendation , than that she should try to reclaim mr . micawber by patience and kindness but the letter set me thinking about him very much . chapter . another retrospect once again , let me pause upon a memorable period of my life . let me stand aside , to see the phantoms of those days go by me , accompanying the shadow of myself , in dim procession . weeks , months , seasons , pass along . they seem little more than a summer day and a winter evening . now , the common where i walk with dora is all in bloom , a field of bright gold and now the unseen heather lies in mounds and bunches underneath a covering of snow . in a breath , the river that flows through our sunday walks is sparkling in the summer sun , is ruffled by the winter wind , or thickened with drifting heaps of ice . faster than ever river ran towards the sea , it flashes , darkens , and rolls away . not a thread changes , in the house of the two little bird like ladies . the clock ticks over the fireplace , the weather glass hangs in the hall . neither clock nor weather glass is ever right but we believe in both , devoutly . i have come legally to mans estate . i have attained the dignity of twenty one . but this is a sort of dignity that may be thrust upon one . let me think what i have achieved . i have tamed that savage stenographic mystery . i make a respectable income by it . i am in high repute for my accomplishment in all pertaining to the art , and am joined with eleven others in reporting the debates in parliament for a morning newspaper . night after night , i record predictions that never come to pass , professions that are never fulfilled , explanations that are only meant to mystify . i wallow in words . britannia , that unfortunate female , is always before me , like a trussed fowl skewered through and through with office pens, , and bound hand and foot with red tape . i am sufficiently behind the scenes to know the worth of political life . i am quite an infidel about it , and shall never be converted . my dear old traddles has tried his hand at the same pursuit , but it is not in traddless way . he is perfectly good humoured respecting his failure , and reminds me that he always did consider himself slow . he has occasional employment on the same newspaper , in getting up the facts of dry subjects , to be written about and embellished by more fertile minds . he is called to the bar and with admirable industry and self denial has scraped another hundred pounds together , to fee a conveyancer whose chambers he attends . a great deal of very hot port wine was consumed at his call and , considering the figure , i should think the inner temple must have made a profit by it . i have come out in another way . i have taken with fear and trembling to authorship . i wrote a little something , in secret , and sent it to a magazine , and it was published in the magazine . since then , i have taken heart to write a good many trifling pieces . now , i am regularly paid for them . altogether , i am well off , when i tell my income on the fingers of my left hand , i pass the third finger and take in the fourth to the middle joint . we have removed , from buckingham street , to a pleasant little cottage very near the one i looked at , when my enthusiasm first came on . my aunt , however is not going to remain here , but intends removing herself to a still more tiny cottage close at hand . what does this portend . my marriage . yes . yes . i am going to be married to dora . miss lavinia and miss clarissa have given their consent and if ever canary birds were in a flutter , they are . miss lavinia , self charged with the superintendence of my darlings wardrobe , is constantly cutting out brown paper cuirasses , and differing in opinion from a highly respectable young man , with a long bundle , and a yard measure under his arm . a dressmaker , always stabbed in the breast with a needle and thread , boards and lodges in the house and seems to me , eating , drinking , or sleeping , never to take her thimble off . they make a lay figure of my dear . they are always sending for her to come and try something on . we cant be happy together for five minutes in the evening , but some intrusive female knocks at the door , and says , oh , if you please , miss dora , would you step upstairs . miss clarissa and my aunt roam all over london , to find out articles of furniture for dora and me to look at . it would be better for them to buy the goods at once , without this ceremony of inspection for , when we go to see a kitchen fender and meat screen, , dora sees a chinese house for jip , with little bells on the top , and prefers that . and it takes a long time to accustom jip to his new residence , after we have bought it whenever he goes in or out , he makes all the little bells ring , and is horribly frightened . peggotty comes up to make herself useful , and falls to work immediately . her department appears to be , to clean everything over and over again . she rubs everything that can be rubbed , until it shines , like her own honest forehead , with perpetual friction . and now it is , that i begin to see her solitary brother passing through the dark streets at night , and looking , as he goes , among the wandering faces . i never speak to him at such an hour . i know too well , as his grave figure passes onward , what he seeks , and what he dreads . why does traddles look so important when he calls upon me this afternoon in the commons  i still occasionally attend , for forms sake , when i have time . the realization of my boyish day dreams is at hand . i am going to take out the licence . it is a little document to do so much and traddles contemplates it , as it lies upon my desk , half in admiration , half in awe . there are the names , in the sweet old visionary connexion , david copperfield and dora spenlow and there , in the corner , is that parental institution , the stamp office , which is so benignantly interested in the various transactions of human life , looking down upon our union and there is the archbishop of canterbury invoking a blessing on us in print , and doing it as cheap as could possibly be expected . nevertheless , i am in a dream , a flustered , happy , hurried dream . i cant believe that it is going to be and yet i cant believe but that everyone i pass in the street , must have some kind of perception , that i am to be married the day after tomorrow . the surrogate knows me , when i go down to be sworn and disposes of me easily , as if there were a masonic understanding between us . traddles is not at all wanted , but is in attendance as my general backer . i hope the next time you come here , my dear fellow , i say to traddles , it will be on the same errand for yourself . and i hope it will be soon . thank you for your good wishes , my dear copperfield , he replies . i hope so too . its a satisfaction to know that shell wait for me any length of time , and that she really is the dearest girl  when are you to meet her at the coach . i ask . at seven , says traddles , looking at his plain old silver watch  very watch he once took a wheel out of , at school , to make a water mill . that is about miss wickfields time , is it not . a little earlier . her time is half past eight . i assure you , my dear boy , says traddles , i am almost as pleased as if i were going to be married myself , to think that this event is coming to such a happy termination . and really the great friendship and consideration of personally associating sophy with the joyful occasion , and inviting her to be a bridesmaid in conjunction with miss wickfield , demands my warmest thanks . i am extremely sensible of it . i hear him , and shake hands with him and we talk , and walk , and dine , and so on but i dont believe it . nothing is real . sophy arrives at the house of doras aunts , in due course . she has the most agreeable of faces  , absolutely beautiful , but extraordinarily pleasant  , is one of the most genial , unaffected , frank , engaging creatures i have ever seen . traddles presents her to us with great pride and rubs his hands for ten minutes by the clock , with every individual hair upon his head standing on tiptoe , when i congratulate him in a corner on his choice . i have brought agnes from the canterbury coach , and her cheerful and beautiful face is among us for the second time . agnes has a great liking for traddles , and it is capital to see them meet , and to observe the glory of traddles as he commends the dearest girl in the world to her acquaintance . still i dont believe it . we have a delightful evening , and are supremely happy but i dont believe it yet . i cant collect myself . i cant check off my happiness as it takes place . i feel in a misty and unsettled kind of state as if i had got up very early in the morning a week or two ago , and had never been to bed since . i cant make out when yesterday was . i seem to have been carrying the licence about , in my pocket , many months . next day , too , when we all go in a flock to see the house  and mine  am quite unable to regard myself as its master . i seem to be there , by permission of somebody else . i half expect the real master to come home presently , and say he is glad to see me . such a beautiful little house as it is , with everything so bright and new with the flowers on the carpets looking as if freshly gathered , and the green leaves on the paper as if they had just come out with the spotless muslin curtains , and the blushing rose coloured furniture , and doras garden hat with the blue ribbon  i remember , now , how i loved her in such another hat when i first knew her . hanging on its little peg the guitar case quite at home on its heels in a corner and everybody tumbling over jips pagoda , which is much too big for the establishment . another happy evening , quite as unreal as all the rest of it , and i steal into the usual room before going away . dora is not there . i suppose they have not done trying on yet . miss lavinia peeps in , and tells me mysteriously that she will not be long . she is rather long , notwithstanding but by and by i hear a rustling at the door , and someone taps . i say , come in . but someone taps again . i go to the door , wondering who it is there , i meet a pair of bright eyes , and a blushing face they are doras eyes and face , and miss lavinia has dressed her in tomorrows dress , bonnet and all , for me to see . i take my little wife to my heart and miss lavinia gives a little scream because i tumble the bonnet , and dora laughs and cries at once , because i am so pleased and i believe it less than ever . do you think it pretty , doady . says dora . pretty . i should rather think i did . and are you sure you like me very much . says dora . the topic is fraught with such danger to the bonnet , that miss lavinia gives another little scream , and begs me to understand that dora is only to be looked at , and on no account to be touched . so dora stands in a delightful state of confusion for a minute or two , to be admired and then takes off her bonnet  so natural without it . runs away with it in her hand and comes dancing down again in her own familiar dress , and asks jip if i have got a beautiful little wife , and whether hell forgive her for being married , and kneels down to make him stand upon the cookery book, , for the last time in her single life . i go home , more incredulous than ever , to a lodging that i have hard by and get up very early in the morning , to ride to the highgate road and fetch my aunt . i have never seen my aunt in such state . she is dressed in lavender coloured silk , and has a white bonnet on , and is amazing . janet has dressed her , and is there to look at me . peggotty is ready to go to church , intending to behold the ceremony from the gallery . mr . dick , who is to give my darling to me at the altar , has had his hair curled . traddles , whom i have taken up by appointment at the turnpike , presents a dazzling combination of cream colour and light blue and both he and mr . dick have a general effect about them of being all gloves . no doubt i see this , because i know it is so but i am astray , and seem to see nothing . nor do i believe anything whatever . still , as we drive along in an open carriage , this fairy marriage is real enough to fill me with a sort of wondering pity for the unfortunate people who have no part in it , but are sweeping out the shops , and going to their daily occupations . my aunt sits with my hand in hers all the way . when we stop a little way short of the church , to put down peggotty , whom we have brought on the box , she gives it a squeeze , and me a kiss . god bless you , trot . my own boy never could be dearer . i think of poor dear baby this morning . so do i . and of all i owe to you , dear aunt . tut , child . says my aunt and gives her hand in overflowing cordiality to traddles , who then gives his to mr . dick , who then gives his to me , who then gives mine to traddles , and then we come to the church door . the church is calm enough , i am sure but it might be a steam power loom in full action , for any sedative effect it has on me . i am too far gone for that . the rest is all a more or less incoherent dream . a dream of their coming in with dora of the pew opener arranging us , like a drill sergeant, , before the altar rails of my wondering , even then , why pew openers must always be the most disagreeable females procurable , and whether there is any religious dread of a disastrous infection of good humour which renders it indispensable to set those vessels of vinegar upon the road to heaven . of the clergyman and clerk appearing of a few boatmen and some other people strolling in of an ancient mariner behind me , strongly flavouring the church with rum of the service beginning in a deep voice , and our all being very attentive . of miss lavinia , who acts as a semi auxiliary bridesmaid , being the first to cry , and of her doing homage to the memory of pidger , in sobs of miss clarissa applying a smelling bottle of agnes taking care of dora of my aunt endeavouring to represent herself as a model of sternness , with tears rolling down her face of little dora trembling very much , and making her responses in faint whispers . of our kneeling down together , side by side of doras trembling less and less , but always clasping agnes by the hand of the service being got through , quietly and gravely of our all looking at each other in an april state of smiles and tears , when it is over of my young wife being hysterical in the vestry , and crying for her poor papa , her dear papa . of her soon cheering up again , and our signing the register all round . of my going into the gallery for peggotty to bring her to sign it of peggottys hugging me in a corner , and telling me she saw my own dear mother married of its being over , and our going away . of my walking so proudly and lovingly down the aisle with my sweet wife upon my arm , through a mist of half seen people , pulpits , monuments , pews , fonts , organs , and church windows , in which there flutter faint airs of association with my childish church at home , so long ago . of their whispering , as we pass , what a youthful couple we are , and what a pretty little wife she is . of our all being so merry and talkative in the carriage going back . of sophy telling us that when she saw traddles asked for it , she almost fainted , having been convinced that he would contrive to lose it , or to have his pocket picked . of agnes laughing gaily and of dora being so fond of agnes that she will not be separated from her , but still keeps her hand . of there being a breakfast , with abundance of things , pretty and substantial , to eat and drink , whereof i partake , as i should do in any other dream , without the least perception of their flavour eating and drinking , as i may say , nothing but love and marriage , and no more believing in the viands than in anything else . of my making a speech in the same dreamy fashion , without having an idea of what i want to say , beyond such as may be comprehended in the full conviction that i havent said it . of our being very sociably and simply happy and of jips having wedding cake , and its not agreeing with him afterwards . of the pair of hired post horses being ready , and of doras going away to change her dress . of my aunt and miss clarissa remaining with us and our walking in the garden and my aunt , who has made quite a speech at breakfast touching doras aunts , being mightily amused with herself , but a little proud of it too . of doras being ready , and of miss lavinias hovering about her , loth to lose the pretty toy that has given her so much pleasant occupation . of doras making a long series of surprised discoveries that she has forgotten all sorts of little things and of everybodys running everywhere to fetch them . of their all closing about dora , when at last she begins to say good bye, , looking , with their bright colours and ribbons , like a bed of flowers . of my darling being almost smothered among the flowers , and coming out , laughing and crying both together , to my jealous arms . of my wanting to carry jip and doras saying no , that she must carry him , or else hell think she dont like him any more , now she is married , and will break his heart . of our going , arm in arm , and dora stopping and looking back , and saying , if i have ever been cross or ungrateful to anybody , dont remember it . and bursting into tears . of her waving her little hand , and our going away once more . of her once more stopping , and looking back , and hurrying to agnes , and giving agnes , above all the others , her last kisses and farewells . we drive away together , and i awake from the dream . i believe it at last . it is my dear , little wife beside me , whom i love so well . are you happy now , you foolish boy . says dora , and sure you dont repent . i have stood aside to see the phantoms of those days go by me . they are gone , and i resume the journey of my story . chapter . our housekeeping it was a strange condition of things , the honeymoon being over , and the bridesmaids gone home , when i found myself sitting down in my own small house with dora quite thrown out of employment , as i may say , in respect of the delicious old occupation of making love . it seemed such an extraordinary thing to have dora always there . it was so unaccountable not to be obliged to go out to see her , not to have any occasion to be tormenting myself about her , not to have to write to her , not to be scheming and devising opportunities of being alone with her . sometimes of an evening , when i looked up from my writing , and saw her seated opposite , i would lean back in my chair , and think how queer it was that there we were , alone together as a matter of course  business any more  the romance of our engagement put away upon a shelf , to rust  one to please but one another  to please , for life . when there was a debate , and i was kept out very late , it seemed so strange to me , as i was walking home , to think that dora was at home . it was such a wonderful thing , at first , to have her coming softly down to talk to me as i ate my supper . it was such a stupendous thing to know for certain that she put her hair in papers . it was altogether such an astonishing event to see her do it . i doubt whether two young birds could have known less about keeping house , than i and my pretty dora did . we had a servant , of course . she kept house for us . i have still a latent belief that she must have been mrs . crupps daughter in disguise , we had such an awful time of it with mary anne . her name was paragon . her nature was represented to us , when we engaged her , as being feebly expressed in her name . she had a written character , as large as a proclamation and , according to this document , could do everything of a domestic nature that ever i heard of , and a great many things that i never did hear of . she was a woman in the prime of life of a severe countenance and subject to a sort of perpetual measles or fiery rash . she had a cousin in the life guards, , with such long legs that he looked like the afternoon shadow of somebody else . his shell jacket was as much too little for him as he was too big for the premises . he made the cottage smaller than it need have been , by being so very much out of proportion to it . besides which , the walls were not thick , and , whenever he passed the evening at our house , we always knew of it by hearing one continual growl in the kitchen . our treasure was warranted sober and honest . i am therefore willing to believe that she was in a fit when we found her under the boiler and that the deficient tea spoons were attributable to the dustman . but she preyed upon our minds dreadfully . we felt our inexperience , and were unable to help ourselves . we should have been at her mercy , if she had any but she was a remorseless woman , and had none . she was the cause of our first little quarrel . my dearest life , i said one day to dora , do you think mary anne has any idea of time . why , doady . inquired dora , looking up , innocently , from her drawing . my love , because its five , and we were to have dined at four . dora glanced wistfully at the clock , and hinted that she thought it was too fast . on the contrary , my love , said i , referring to my watch , its a few minutes too slow . my little wife came and sat upon my knee , to coax me to be quiet , and drew a line with her pencil down the middle of my nose but i couldnt dine off that , though it was very agreeable . dont you think , my dear , said i , it would be better for you to remonstrate with mary anne . oh no , please . i couldnt , doady . said dora . why not , my love . i gently asked . oh , because i am such a little goose , said dora , and she knows i am . i thought this sentiment so incompatible with the establishment of any system of check on mary anne , that i frowned a little . oh , what ugly wrinkles in my bad boys forehead . said dora , and still being on my knee , she traced them with her pencil putting it to her rosy lips to make it mark blacker , and working at my forehead with a quaint little mockery of being industrious , that quite delighted me in spite of myself . theres a good child , said dora , it makes its face so much prettier to laugh . but , my love , said i . no , . please . cried dora , with a kiss , dont be a naughty blue beard . dont be serious . my precious wife , said i , we must be serious sometimes . come . sit down on this chair , close beside me . give me the pencil . there . now let us talk sensibly . you know , dear what a little hand it was to hold , and what a tiny wedding ring it was to see . you know , my love , it is not exactly comfortable to have to go out without ones dinner . now , is it . n n . replied dora , faintly . my love , how you tremble . because i know youre going to scold me , exclaimed dora , in a piteous voice . my sweet , i am only going to reason . oh , but reasoning is worse than scolding . exclaimed dora , in despair . i didnt marry to be reasoned with . if you meant to reason with such a poor little thing as i am , you ought to have told me so , you cruel boy . i tried to pacify dora , but she turned away her face , and shook her curls from side to side , and said , you cruel , boy . so many times , that i really did not exactly know what to do so i took a few turns up and down the room in my uncertainty , and came back again . dora , my darling . no , i am not your darling . because you must be sorry that you married me , or else you wouldnt reason with me . returned dora . i felt so injured by the inconsequential nature of this charge , that it gave me courage to be grave . now , my own dora , said i , you are very childish , and are talking nonsense . you must remember , i am sure , that i was obliged to go out yesterday when dinner was half over and that , the day before , i was made quite unwell by being obliged to eat underdone veal in a hurry today , i dont dine at all  i am afraid to say how long we waited for breakfast  then the water didnt boil . i dont mean to reproach you , my dear , but this is not comfortable . oh , you cruel , boy , to say i am a disagreeable wife . cried dora . now , my dear dora , you must know that i never said that . you said , i wasnt comfortable . cried dora . i said the housekeeping was not comfortable . its exactly the same thing . cried dora . and she evidently thought so , for she wept most grievously . i took another turn across the room , full of love for my pretty wife , and distracted by self accusatory inclinations to knock my head against the door . i sat down again , and said i am not blaming you , dora . we have both a great deal to learn . i am only trying to show you , my dear , that you must  really must i was resolved not to give this up  yourself to look after mary anne . likewise to act a little for yourself , and me . i wonder , i do , at your making such ungrateful speeches , sobbed dora . when you know that the other day , when you said you would like a little bit of fish , i went out myself , miles and miles , and ordered it , to surprise you . and it was very kind of you , my own darling , said i . i felt it so much that i wouldnt on any account have even mentioned that you bought a salmon  was too much for two . or that it cost one pound six  was more than we can afford . you enjoyed it very much , sobbed dora . and you said i was a mouse . and ill say so again , my love , i returned , a thousand times . but i had wounded doras soft little heart , and she was not to be comforted . she was so pathetic in her sobbing and bewailing , that i felt as if i had said i dont know what to hurt her . i was obliged to hurry away i was kept out late and i felt all night such pangs of remorse as made me miserable . i had the conscience of an assassin , and was haunted by a vague sense of enormous wickedness . it was two or three hours past midnight when i got home . i found my aunt , in our house , sitting up for me . is anything the matter , aunt . said i , alarmed . nothing , trot , she replied . sit down , sit down . little blossom has been rather out of spirits , and i have been keeping her company . thats all . i leaned my head upon my hand and felt more sorry and downcast , as i sat looking at the fire , than i could have supposed possible so soon after the fulfilment of my brightest hopes . as i sat thinking , i happened to meet my aunts eyes , which were resting on my face . there was an anxious expression in them , but it cleared directly . i assure you , aunt , said i , have been quite unhappy myself all night , to think of doras being so . but i had no other intention than to speak to her tenderly and lovingly about our home affairs . my aunt nodded encouragement . you must have patience , trot , said she . of course . heaven knows i dont mean to be unreasonable , aunt . no , said my aunt . but little blossom is a very tender little blossom , and the wind must be gentle with her . i thanked my good aunt , in my heart , for her tenderness towards my wife and i was sure that she knew i did . dont you think , aunt , said i , after some further contemplation of the fire , that you could advise and counsel dora a little , for our mutual advantage , now and then . trot , returned my aunt , with some emotion , no . dont ask me such a thing . her tone was so very earnest that i raised my eyes in surprise . i look back on my life , child , said my aunt , and i think of some who are in their graves , with whom i might have been on kinder terms . if i judged harshly of other peoples mistakes in marriage , it may have been because i had bitter reason to judge harshly of my own . let that pass . i have been a grumpy , frumpy , wayward sort of a woman , a good many years . i am still , and i always shall be . but you and i have done one another some good , trot  , all events , you have done me good , my dear and division must not come between us , at this time of day . division between us . cried i . child , . said my aunt , smoothing her dress , how soon it might come between us , or how unhappy i might make our little blossom , if i meddled in anything , a prophet couldnt say . i want our pet to like me , and be as gay as a butterfly . remember your own home , in that second marriage and never do both me and her the injury you have hinted at . i comprehended , at once , that my aunt was right and i comprehended the full extent of her generous feeling towards my dear wife . these are early days , trot , she pursued , and rome was not built in a day , nor in a year . you have chosen freely for yourself a cloud passed over her face for a moment , i thought and you have chosen a very pretty and a very affectionate creature . it will be your duty , and it will be your pleasure too  course i know that i am not delivering a lecture  estimate her by the qualities she has , and not by the qualities she may not have . the latter you must develop in her , if you can . and if you cannot , child , here my aunt rubbed her nose , you must just accustom yourself to do without em . but remember , my dear , your future is between you two . no one can assist you are to work it out for yourselves . this is marriage , trot and heaven bless you both , in it , for a pair of babes in the wood as you are . my aunt said this in a sprightly way , and gave me a kiss to ratify the blessing . now , said she , light my little lantern , and see me into my bandbox by the garden path for there was a communication between our cottages in that direction . give betsey trotwoods love to blossom , when you come back and whatever you do , trot , never dream of setting betsey up as a scarecrow , for if i ever saw her in the glass , shes quite grim enough and gaunt enough in her private capacity . with this my aunt tied her head up in a handkerchief , with which she was accustomed to make a bundle of it on such occasions and i escorted her home . as she stood in her garden , holding up her little lantern to light me back , i thought her observation of me had an anxious air again but i was too much occupied in pondering on what she had said , and too much impressed  the first time , in reality  the conviction that dora and i had indeed to work out our future for ourselves , and that no one could assist us , to take much notice of it . dora came stealing down in her little slippers , to meet me , now that i was alone and cried upon my shoulder , and said i had been hard hearted and she had been naughty and i said much the same thing in effect , i believe and we made it up , and agreed that our first little difference was to be our last , and that we were never to have another if we lived a hundred years . the next domestic trial we went through , was the ordeal of servants . mary annes cousin deserted into our coal hole, , and was brought out , to our great amazement , by a piquet of his companions in arms , who took him away handcuffed in a procession that covered our front garden with ignominy . this nerved me to get rid of mary anne , who went so mildly , on receipt of wages , that i was surprised , until i found out about the tea spoons, , and also about the little sums she had borrowed in my name of the tradespeople without authority . after an interval of mrs . kidgerbury  oldest inhabitant of kentish town , i believe , who went out charing , but was too feeble to execute her conceptions of that art  found another treasure , who was one of the most amiable of women , but who generally made a point of falling either up or down the kitchen stairs with the tray , and almost plunged into the parlour , as into a bath , with the tea things . the ravages committed by this unfortunate , rendering her dismissal necessary , she was succeeded with intervals of mrs . kidgerbury by a long line of incapables terminating in a young person of genteel appearance , who went to greenwich fair in doras bonnet . after whom i remember nothing but an average equality of failure . everybody we had anything to do with seemed to cheat us . our appearance in a shop was a signal for the damaged goods to be brought out immediately . if we bought a lobster , it was full of water . all our meat turned out to be tough , and there was hardly any crust to our loaves . in search of the principle on which joints ought to be roasted , to be roasted enough , and not too much , i myself referred to the cookery book , and found it there established as the allowance of a quarter of an hour to every pound , and say a quarter over . but the principle always failed us by some curious fatality , and we never could hit any medium between redness and cinders . i had reason to believe that in accomplishing these failures we incurred a far greater expense than if we had achieved a series of triumphs . it appeared to me , on looking over the tradesmens books , as if we might have kept the basement storey paved with butter , such was the extensive scale of our consumption of that article . i dont know whether the excise returns of the period may have exhibited any increase in the demand for pepper but if our performances did not affect the market , i should say several families must have left off using it . and the most wonderful fact of all was , that we never had anything in the house . as to the washerwoman pawning the clothes , and coming in a state of penitent intoxication to apologize , i suppose that might have happened several times to anybody . also the chimney on fire , the parish engine , and perjury on the part of the beadle . but i apprehend that we were personally fortunate in engaging a servant with a taste for cordials , who swelled our running account for porter at the public house by such inexplicable items as quartern rum shrub half quartern gin and cloves glass rum and peppermint parentheses always referring to dora , who was supposed , it appeared on explanation , to have imbibed the whole of these refreshments . one of our first feats in the housekeeping way was a little dinner to traddles . i met him in town , and asked him to walk out with me that afternoon . he readily consenting , i wrote to dora , saying i would bring him home . it was pleasant weather , and on the road we made my domestic happiness the theme of conversation . traddles was very full of it and said , that , picturing himself with such a home , and sophy waiting and preparing for him , he could think of nothing wanting to complete his bliss . i could not have wished for a prettier little wife at the opposite end of the table , but i certainly could have wished , when we sat down , for a little more room . i did not know how it was , but though there were only two of us , we were at once always cramped for room , and yet had always room enough to lose everything in . i suspect it may have been because nothing had a place of its own , except jips pagoda , which invariably blocked up the main thoroughfare . on the present occasion , traddles was so hemmed in by the pagoda and the guitar case, , and doras flower painting, , and my writing table, , that i had serious doubts of the possibility of his using his knife and fork but he protested , with his own good humour, , oceans of room , copperfield . i assure you , oceans . there was another thing i could have wished , namely , that jip had never been encouraged to walk about the tablecloth during dinner . i began to think there was something disorderly in his being there at all , even if he had not been in the habit of putting his foot in the salt or the melted butter . on this occasion he seemed to think he was introduced expressly to keep traddles at bay and he barked at my old friend , and made short runs at his plate , with such undaunted pertinacity , that he may be said to have engrossed the conversation . however , as i knew how tender hearted my dear dora was , and how sensitive she would be to any slight upon her favourite , i hinted no objection . for similar reasons i made no allusion to the skirmishing plates upon the floor or to the disreputable appearance of the castors , which were all at sixes and sevens , and looked drunk or to the further blockade of traddles by wandering vegetable dishes and jugs . i could not help wondering in my own mind , as i contemplated the boiled leg of mutton before me , previous to carving it , how it came to pass that our joints of meat were of such extraordinary shapes  whether our butcher contracted for all the deformed sheep that came into the world but i kept my reflections to myself . my love , said i to dora , what have you got in that dish . i could not imagine why dora had been making tempting little faces at me , as if she wanted to kiss me . oysters , dear , said dora , timidly . was that your thought . said i , delighted . ye yes, , doady , said dora . there never was a happier one . i exclaimed , laying down the carving knife and fork . there is nothing traddles likes so much . ye yes, , doady , said dora , and so i bought a beautiful little barrel of them , and the man said they were very good . but i  am afraid theres something the matter with them . they dont seem right . here dora shook her head , and diamonds twinkled in her eyes . they are only opened in both shells , said i . take the top one off , my love . but it wont come off . said dora , trying very hard , and looking very much distressed . do you know , copperfield , said traddles , cheerfully examining the dish , i think it is in consequence  are capital oysters , but i think it is in consequence  their never having been opened . they never had been opened and we had no oyster knives couldnt have used them if we had so we looked at the oysters and ate the mutton . at least we ate as much of it as was done , and made up with capers . if i had permitted him , i am satisfied that traddles would have made a perfect savage of himself , and eaten a plateful of raw meat , to express enjoyment of the repast but i would hear of no such immolation on the altar of friendship , and we had a course of bacon instead there happening , by good fortune , to be cold bacon in the larder . my poor little wife was in such affliction when she thought i should be annoyed , and in such a state of joy when she found i was not , that the discomfiture i had subdued , very soon vanished , and we passed a happy evening dora sitting with her arm on my chair while traddles and i discussed a glass of wine , and taking every opportunity of whispering in my ear that it was so good of me not to be a cruel , cross old boy . by and by she made tea for us which it was so pretty to see her do , as if she was busying herself with a set of dolls tea things, , that i was not particular about the quality of the beverage . then traddles and i played a game or two at cribbage and dora singing to the guitar the while , it seemed to me as if our courtship and marriage were a tender dream of mine , and the night when i first listened to her voice were not yet over . when traddles went away , and i came back into the parlour from seeing him out , my wife planted her chair close to mine , and sat down by my side . i am very sorry , she said . will you try to teach me , doady . i must teach myself first , dora , said i . i am as bad as you , love . ah . but you can learn , she returned and you are a clever , man . nonsense , mouse . said i . i wish , resumed my wife , after a long silence , that i could have gone down into the country for a whole year , and lived with agnes . her hands were clasped upon my shoulder , and her chin rested on them , and her blue eyes looked quietly into mine . why so . i asked . i think she might have improved me , and i think i might have learned from her , said dora . all in good time , my love . agnes has had her father to take care of for these many years , you should remember . even when she was quite a child , she was the agnes whom we know , said i . will you call me a name i want you to call me . inquired dora , without moving . what is it . i asked with a smile . its a stupid name , she said , shaking her curls for a moment . child wife . i laughingly asked my child wife what her fancy was in desiring to be so called . she answered without moving , otherwise than as the arm i twined about her may have brought her blue eyes nearer to me i dont mean , you silly fellow , that you should use the name instead of dora . i only mean that you should think of me that way . when you are going to be angry with me , say to yourself , its only my child wife . when i am very disappointing , say , i knew , a long time ago , that she would make but a child wife . when you miss what i should like to be , and i think can never be , say , still my foolish child wife loves me . for indeed i do . i had not been serious with her having no idea until now , that she was serious herself . but her affectionate nature was so happy in what i now said to her with my whole heart , that her face became a laughing one before her glittering eyes were dry . she was soon my child wife indeed sitting down on the floor outside the chinese house , ringing all the little bells one after another , to punish jip for his recent bad behaviour while jip lay blinking in the doorway with his head out , even too lazy to be teased . this appeal of doras made a strong impression on me . i look back on the time i write of i invoke the innocent figure that i dearly loved , to come out from the mists and shadows of the past , and turn its gentle head towards me once again and i can still declare that this one little speech was constantly in my memory . i may not have used it to the best account i was young and inexperienced but i never turned a deaf ear to its artless pleading . dora told me , shortly afterwards , that she was going to be a wonderful housekeeper . accordingly , she polished the tablets , pointed the pencil , bought an immense account book, , carefully stitched up with a needle and thread all the leaves of the cookery book which jip had torn , and made quite a desperate little attempt to be good , as she called it . but the figures had the old obstinate propensity  would not add up . when she had entered two or three laborious items in the account book, , jip would walk over the page , wagging his tail , and smear them all out . her own little right hand middle finger got steeped to the very bone in ink and i think that was the only decided result obtained . sometimes , of an evening , when i was at home and at work  i wrote a good deal now , and was beginning in a small way to be known as a writer  would lay down my pen , and watch my child wife trying to be good . first of all , she would bring out the immense account book, , and lay it down upon the table , with a deep sigh . then she would open it at the place where jip had made it illegible last night , and call jip up , to look at his misdeeds . this would occasion a diversion in jips favour , and some inking of his nose , perhaps , as a penalty . then she would tell jip to lie down on the table instantly , like a lion  was one of his tricks , though i cannot say the likeness was striking  , if he were in an obedient humour , he would obey . then she would take up a pen , and begin to write , and find a hair in it . then she would take up another pen , and begin to write , and find that it spluttered . then she would take up another pen , and begin to write , and say in a low voice , oh , its a talking pen , and will disturb doady . and then she would give it up as a bad job , and put the account book away , after pretending to crush the lion with it . or , if she were in a very sedate and serious state of mind , she would sit down with the tablets , and a little basket of bills and other documents , which looked more like curl papers than anything else , and endeavour to get some result out of them . after severely comparing one with another , and making entries on the tablets , and blotting them out , and counting all the fingers of her left hand over and over again , backwards and forwards , she would be so vexed and discouraged , and would look so unhappy , that it gave me pain to see her bright face clouded  for me . i would go softly to her , and say whats the matter , dora . dora would look up hopelessly , and reply , they wont come right . they make my head ache so . and they wont do anything i want . then i would say , now let us try together . let me show you , dora . then i would commence a practical demonstration , to which dora would pay profound attention , perhaps for five minutes when she would begin to be dreadfully tired , and would lighten the subject by curling my hair , or trying the effect of my face with my shirt collar turned down . if i tacitly checked this playfulness , and persisted , she would look so scared and disconsolate , as she became more and more bewildered , that the remembrance of her natural gaiety when i first strayed into her path , and of her being my child wife, , would come reproachfully upon me and i would lay the pencil down , and call for the guitar . i had a great deal of work to do , and had many anxieties , but the same considerations made me keep them to myself . i am far from sure , now , that it was right to do this , but i did it for my child wifes sake . i search my breast , and i commit its secrets , if i know them , without any reservation to this paper . the old unhappy loss or want of something had , i am conscious , some place in my heart but not to the embitterment of my life . when i walked alone in the fine weather , and thought of the summer days when all the air had been filled with my boyish enchantment , i did miss something of the realization of my dreams but i thought it was a softened glory of the past , which nothing could have thrown upon the present time . i did feel , sometimes , for a little while , that i could have wished my wife had been my counsellor had more character and purpose , to sustain me and improve me by had been endowed with power to fill up the void which somewhere seemed to be about me but i felt as if this were an unearthly consummation of my happiness , that never had been meant to be , and never could have been . i was a boyish husband as to years . i had known the softening influence of no other sorrows or experiences than those recorded in these leaves . if i did any wrong , as i may have done much , i did it in mistaken love , and in my want of wisdom . i write the exact truth . it would avail me nothing to extenuate it now . thus it was that i took upon myself the toils and cares of our life , and had no partner in them . we lived much as before , in reference to our scrambling household arrangements but i had got used to those , and dora i was pleased to see was seldom vexed now . she was bright and cheerful in the old childish way , loved me dearly , and was happy with her old trifles . when the debates were heavy  mean as to length , not quality , for in the last respect they were not often otherwise  i went home late , dora would never rest when she heard my footsteps , but would always come downstairs to meet me . when my evenings were unoccupied by the pursuit for which i had qualified myself with so much pains , and i was engaged in writing at home , she would sit quietly near me , however late the hour , and be so mute , that i would often think she had dropped asleep . but generally , when i raised my head , i saw her blue eyes looking at me with the quiet attention of which i have already spoken . oh , what a weary boy . said dora one night , when i met her eyes as i was shutting up my desk . what a weary girl . said i . thats more to the purpose . you must go to bed another time , my love . its far too late for you . no , dont send me to bed . pleaded dora , coming to my side . pray , dont do that . dora . to my amazement she was sobbing on my neck . not well , my dear . not happy . yes . quite well , and very happy . said dora . but say youll let me stop , and see you write . why , what a sight for such bright eyes at midnight . i replied . are they bright , though . returned dora , laughing . im so glad theyre bright . little vanity . said i . but it was not vanity it was only harmless delight in my admiration . i knew that very well , before she told me so . if you think them pretty , say i may always stop , and see you write . said dora . do you think them pretty . very pretty . then let me always stop and see you write . i am afraid that wont improve their brightness , dora . yes , it will . because , you clever boy , youll not forget me then , while you are full of silent fancies . will you mind it , if i say something very , silly . than usual . inquired dora , peeping over my shoulder into my face . what wonderful thing is that . said i . please let me hold the pens , said dora . i want to have something to do with all those many hours when you are so industrious . may i hold the pens . the remembrance of her pretty joy when i said yes , brings tears into my eyes . the next time i sat down to write , and regularly afterwards , she sat in her old place , with a spare bundle of pens at her side . her triumph in this connexion with my work , and her delight when i wanted a new pen  i very often feigned to do  to me a new way of pleasing my child wife . i occasionally made a pretence of wanting a page or two of manuscript copied . then dora was in her glory . the preparations she made for this great work , the aprons she put on , the bibs she borrowed from the kitchen to keep off the ink , the time she took , the innumerable stoppages she made to have a laugh with jip as if he understood it all , her conviction that her work was incomplete unless she signed her name at the end , and the way in which she would bring it to me , like a school copy, , and then , when i praised it , clasp me round the neck , are touching recollections to me , simple as they might appear to other men . she took possession of the keys soon after this , and went jingling about the house with the whole bunch in a little basket , tied to her slender waist . i seldom found that the places to which they belonged were locked , or that they were of any use except as a plaything for jip  dora was pleased , and that pleased me . she was quite satisfied that a good deal was effected by this make belief of housekeeping and was as merry as if we had been keeping a baby house, , for a joke . so we went on . dora was hardly less affectionate to my aunt than to me , and often told her of the time when she was afraid she was a cross old thing . i never saw my aunt unbend more systematically to anyone . she courted jip , though jip never responded listened , day after day , to the guitar , though i am afraid she had no taste for music never attacked the incapables , though the temptation must have been severe went wonderful distances on foot to purchase , as surprises , any trifles that she found out dora wanted and never came in by the garden , and missed her from the room , but she would call out , at the foot of the stairs , in a voice that sounded cheerfully all over the house wheres little blossom . chapter . mr . dick fulfils my aunts predictions it was some time now , since i had left the doctor . living in his neighbourhood , i saw him frequently and we all went to his house on two or three occasions to dinner or tea . the old soldier was in permanent quarters under the doctors roof . she was exactly the same as ever , and the same immortal butterflies hovered over her cap . like some other mothers , whom i have known in the course of my life , mrs . markleham was far more fond of pleasure than her daughter was . she required a great deal of amusement , and , like a deep old soldier , pretended , in consulting her own inclinations , to be devoting herself to her child . the doctors desire that annie should be entertained , was therefore particularly acceptable to this excellent parent who expressed unqualified approval of his discretion . i have no doubt , indeed , that she probed the doctors wound without knowing it . meaning nothing but a certain matured frivolity and selfishness , not always inseparable from full blown years , i think she confirmed him in his fear that he was a constraint upon his young wife , and that there was no congeniality of feeling between them , by so strongly commending his design of lightening the load of her life . my dear soul , she said to him one day when i was present , you know there is no doubt it would be a little pokey for annie to be always shut up here . the doctor nodded his benevolent head . when she comes to her mothers age , said mrs . markleham , with a flourish of her fan , then itll be another thing . you might put me into a jail , with genteel society and a rubber , and i should never care to come out . but i am not annie , you know and annie is not her mother . surely , said the doctor . you are the best of creatures  , i beg your pardon . for the doctor made a gesture of deprecation , i must say before your face , as i always say behind your back , you are the best of creatures but of course you dont  do you . into the same pursuits and fancies as annie . no , said the doctor , in a sorrowful tone . no , of course not , retorted the old soldier . take your dictionary , for example . what a useful work a dictionary is . what a necessary work . the meanings of words . without doctor johnson , or somebody of that sort , we might have been at this present moment calling an italian iron, , a bedstead . but we cant expect a dictionary  when its making  interest annie , can we . the doctor shook his head . and thats why i so much approve , said mrs . markleham , tapping him on the shoulder with her shut up fan , of your thoughtfulness . it shows that you dont expect , as many elderly people do expect , old heads on young shoulders . you have studied annies character , and you understand it . thats what i find so charming . even the calm and patient face of doctor strong expressed some little sense of pain , i thought , under the infliction of these compliments . therefore , my dear doctor , said the old soldier , giving him several affectionate taps , you may command me , at all times and seasons . now , do understand that i am entirely at your service . i am ready to go with annie to operas , concerts , exhibitions , all kinds of places and you shall never find that i am tired . duty , my dear doctor , before every consideration in the universe . she was as good as her word . she was one of those people who can bear a great deal of pleasure , and she never flinched in her perseverance in the cause . she seldom got hold of the newspaper which she settled herself down in the softest chair in the house to read through an eye glass, , every day , for two hours , but she found out something that she was certain annie would like to see . it was in vain for annie to protest that she was weary of such things . her mothers remonstrance always was , now , my dear annie , i am sure you know better and i must tell you , my love , that you are not making a proper return for the kindness of doctor strong . this was usually said in the doctors presence , and appeared to me to constitute annies principal inducement for withdrawing her objections when she made any . but in general she resigned herself to her mother , and went where the old soldier would . it rarely happened now that mr . maldon accompanied them . sometimes my aunt and dora were invited to do so , and accepted the invitation . sometimes dora only was asked . the time had been , when i should have been uneasy in her going but reflection on what had passed that former night in the doctors study , had made a change in my mistrust . i believed that the doctor was right , and i had no worse suspicions . my aunt rubbed her nose sometimes when she happened to be alone with me , and said she couldnt make it out she wished they were happier she didnt think our military friend mended the matter at all . my aunt further expressed her opinion , that if our military friend would cut off those butterflies , and give em to the chimney sweepers for may day, , it would look like the beginning of something sensible on her part . but her abiding reliance was on mr . dick . that man had evidently an idea in his head , she said and if he could only once pen it up into a corner , which was his great difficulty , he would distinguish himself in some extraordinary manner . unconscious of this prediction , mr . dick continued to occupy precisely the same ground in reference to the doctor and to mrs . strong . he seemed neither to advance nor to recede . he appeared to have settled into his original foundation , like a building and i must confess that my faith in his ever moving , was not much greater than if he had been a building . but one night , when i had been married some months , mr . dick put his head into the parlour , where i was writing alone dora having gone out with my aunt to take tea with the two little birds , and said , with a significant cough you couldnt speak to me without inconveniencing yourself , trotwood , i am afraid . certainly , mr . dick , said i come in . trotwood , said mr . dick , laying his finger on the side of his nose , after he had shaken hands with me . before i sit down , i wish to make an observation . you know your aunt . a little , i replied . she is the most wonderful woman in the world , sir . after the delivery of this communication , which he shot out of himself as if he were loaded with it , mr . dick sat down with greater gravity than usual , and looked at me . now , boy , said mr . dick , i am going to put a question to you . as many as you please , said i . what do you consider me , sir . asked mr . dick , folding his arms . a dear old friend , said i . thank you , trotwood , returned mr . dick , laughing , and reaching across in high glee to shake hands with me . but i mean , boy , resuming his gravity , what do you consider me in this respect . touching his forehead . i was puzzled how to answer , but he helped me with a word . weak . said mr . dick . well , i replied , dubiously . rather so . exactly . cried mr . dick , who seemed quite enchanted by my reply . that is , trotwood , when they took some of the trouble out of you know head , and put it you know where , there was a  mr . dick made his two hands revolve very fast about each other a great number of times , and then brought them into collision , and rolled them over and over one another , to express confusion . there was that sort of thing done to me somehow . eh . i nodded at him , and he nodded back again . in short , boy , said mr . dick , dropping his voice to a whisper , i am simple . i would have qualified that conclusion , but he stopped me . yes , i am . she pretends i am not . she wont hear of it but i am . i know i am . if she hadnt stood my friend , sir , i should have been shut up , to lead a dismal life these many years . but ill provide for her . i never spend the copying money . i put it in a box . i have made a will . ill leave it all to her . she shall be rich  . mr . dick took out his pocket handkerchief, , and wiped his eyes . he then folded it up with great care , pressed it smooth between his two hands , put it in his pocket , and seemed to put my aunt away with it . now you are a scholar , trotwood , said mr . dick . you are a fine scholar . you know what a learned man , what a great man , the doctor is . you know what honour he has always done me . not proud in his wisdom . humble , even to poor dick , who is simple and knows nothing . i have sent his name up , on a scrap of paper , to the kite , along the string , when it has been in the sky , among the larks . the kite has been glad to receive it , sir , and the sky has been brighter with it . i delighted him by saying , most heartily , that the doctor was deserving of our best respect and highest esteem . and his beautiful wife is a star , said mr . dick . a shining star . i have seen her shine , sir . but , bringing his chair nearer , and laying one hand upon my knee  , sir  . i answered the solicitude which his face expressed , by conveying the same expression into my own , and shaking my head . what clouds . said mr . dick . he looked so wistfully into my face , and was so anxious to understand , that i took great pains to answer him slowly and distinctly , as i might have entered on an explanation to a child . there is some unfortunate division between them , i replied . some unhappy cause of separation . a secret . it may be inseparable from the discrepancy in their years . it may have grown up out of almost nothing . mr . dick , who had told off every sentence with a thoughtful nod , paused when i had done , and sat considering , with his eyes upon my face , and his hand upon my knee . doctor not angry with her , trotwood . he said , after some time . no . devoted to her . then , i have got it , boy . said mr . dick . the sudden exultation with which he slapped me on the knee , and leaned back in his chair , with his eyebrows lifted up as high as he could possibly lift them , made me think him farther out of his wits than ever . he became as suddenly grave again , and leaning forward as before , said  respectfully taking out his pocket handkerchief, , as if it really did represent my aunt most wonderful woman in the world , trotwood . why has she done nothing to set things right . too delicate and difficult a subject for such interference , i replied . fine scholar , said mr . dick , touching me with his finger . why has he done nothing . for the same reason , i returned . then , i have got it , boy . said mr . dick . and he stood up before me , more exultingly than before , nodding his head , and striking himself repeatedly upon the breast , until one might have supposed that he had nearly nodded and struck all the breath out of his body . a poor fellow with a craze , sir , said mr . dick , a simpleton , a weak minded person  company , you know . striking himself again , may do what wonderful people may not do . ill bring them together , boy . ill try . theyll not blame me . theyll not object to me . theyll not mind what i do , if its wrong . im only mr . dick . and who minds dick . dicks nobody . whoo . he blew a slight , contemptuous breath , as if he blew himself away . it was fortunate he had proceeded so far with his mystery , for we heard the coach stop at the little garden gate , which brought my aunt and dora home . not a word , boy . he pursued in a whisper leave all the blame with dick  . i have been thinking , sir , for some time , that i was getting it , and now i have got it . after what you have said to me , i am sure i have got it . all right . not another word did mr . dick utter on the subject but he made a very telegraph of himself for the next half hour to enjoin inviolable secrecy on me . to my surprise , i heard no more about it for some two or three weeks , though i was sufficiently interested in the result of his endeavours descrying a strange gleam of good sense  say nothing of good feeling , for that he always exhibited  the conclusion to which he had come . at last i began to believe , that , in the flighty and unsettled state of his mind , he had either forgotten his intention or abandoned it . one fair evening , when dora was not inclined to go out , my aunt and i strolled up to the doctors cottage . it was autumn , when there were no debates to vex the evening air and i remember how the leaves smelt like our garden at blunderstone as we trod them under foot , and how the old , unhappy feeling , seemed to go by , on the sighing wind . it was twilight when we reached the cottage . mrs . strong was just coming out of the garden , where mr . dick yet lingered , busy with his knife , helping the gardener to point some stakes . the doctor was engaged with someone in his study but the visitor would be gone directly , mrs . strong said , and begged us to remain and see him . we went into the drawing room with her , and sat down by the darkening window . there was never any ceremony about the visits of such old friends and neighbours as we were . we had not sat here many minutes , when mrs . markleham , who usually contrived to be in a fuss about something , came bustling in , with her newspaper in her hand , and said , out of breath , my goodness gracious , annie , why didnt you tell me there was someone in the study . my dear mama , she quietly returned , how could i know that you desired the information . desired the information . said mrs . markleham , sinking on the sofa . i never had such a turn in all my life . have you been to the study , then , mama . asked annie . been to the study , my dear . she returned emphatically . indeed i have . i came upon the amiable creature  youll imagine my feelings , miss trotwood and david  the act of making his will . her daughter looked round from the window quickly . in the act , my dear annie , repeated mrs . markleham , spreading the newspaper on her lap like a table cloth, , and patting her hands upon it , of making his last will and testament . the foresight and affection of the dear . i must tell you how it was . i really must , in justice to the darling  he is nothing less . you how it was . perhaps you know , miss trotwood , that there is never a candle lighted in this house , until ones eyes are literally falling out of ones head with being stretched to read the paper . and that there is not a chair in this house , in which a paper can be what i call , read , except one in the study . this took me to the study , where i saw a light . i opened the door . in company with the dear doctor were two professional people , evidently connected with the law , and they were all three standing at the table the darling doctor pen in hand . this simply expresses then , said the doctor  , my love , attend to the very words  simply expresses then , gentlemen , the confidence i have in mrs . strong , and gives her all unconditionally . one of the professional people replied , and gives her all unconditionally . upon that , with the natural feelings of a mother , i said , good god , i beg your pardon . fell over the door step, , and came away through the little back passage where the pantry is . mrs . strong opened the window , and went out into the verandah , where she stood leaning against a pillar . but now isnt it , miss trotwood , isnt it , david , invigorating , said mrs . markleham , mechanically following her with her eyes , to find a man at doctor strongs time of life , with the strength of mind to do this kind of thing . it only shows how right i was . i said to annie , when doctor strong paid a very flattering visit to myself , and made her the subject of a declaration and an offer , i said , my dear , there is no doubt whatever , in my opinion , with reference to a suitable provision for you , that doctor strong will do more than he binds himself to do . here the bell rang , and we heard the sound of the visitors feet as they went out . its all over , no doubt , said the old soldier , after listening the dear creature has signed , sealed , and delivered , and his minds at rest . well it may be . what a mind . annie , my love , i am going to the study with my paper , for i am a poor creature without news . miss trotwood , david , pray come and see the doctor . i was conscious of mr . dicks standing in the shadow of the room , shutting up his knife , when we accompanied her to the study and of my aunts rubbing her nose violently , by the way , as a mild vent for her intolerance of our military friend but who got first into the study , or how mrs . markleham settled herself in a moment in her easy chair, , or how my aunt and i came to be left together near the door unless her eyes were quicker than mine , and she held me back , i have forgotten , if i ever knew . but this i know  , we saw the doctor before he saw us , sitting at his table , among the folio volumes in which he delighted , resting his head calmly on his hand . that , in the same moment , we saw mrs . strong glide in , pale and trembling . that mr . dick supported her on his arm . that he laid his other hand upon the doctors arm , causing him to look up with an abstracted air . that , as the doctor moved his head , his wife dropped down on one knee at his feet , and , with her hands imploringly lifted , fixed upon his face the memorable look i had never forgotten . that at this sight mrs . markleham dropped the newspaper , and stared more like a figure head intended for a ship to be called the astonishment , than anything else i can think of . the gentleness of the doctors manner and surprise , the dignity that mingled with the supplicating attitude of his wife , the amiable concern of mr . dick , and the earnestness with which my aunt said to herself , that man mad . triumphantly expressive of the misery from which she had saved him  see and hear , rather than remember , as i write about it . doctor . said mr . dick . what is it thats amiss . look here . annie . cried the doctor . not at my feet , my dear . yes . she said . i beg and pray that no one will leave the room . oh , my husband and father , break this long silence . let us both know what it is that has come between us . mrs . markleham , by this time recovering the power of speech , and seeming to swell with family pride and motherly indignation , here exclaimed , annie , get up immediately , and dont disgrace everybody belonging to you by humbling yourself like that , unless you wish to see me go out of my mind on the spot . mama . returned annie . waste no words on me , for my appeal is to my husband , and even you are nothing here . nothing . exclaimed mrs . markleham . me , nothing . the child has taken leave of her senses . please to get me a glass of water . i was too attentive to the doctor and his wife , to give any heed to this request and it made no impression on anybody else so mrs . markleham panted , stared , and fanned herself . annie . said the doctor , tenderly taking her in his hands . my dear . if any unavoidable change has come , in the sequence of time , upon our married life , you are not to blame . the fault is mine , and only mine . there is no change in my affection , admiration , and respect . i wish to make you happy . i truly love and honour you . rise , annie , pray . but she did not rise . after looking at him for a little while , she sank down closer to him , laid her arm across his knee , and dropping her head upon it , said if i have any friend here , who can speak one word for me , or for my husband in this matter if i have any friend here , who can give a voice to any suspicion that my heart has sometimes whispered to me if i have any friend here , who honours my husband , or has ever cared for me , and has anything within his knowledge , no matter what it is , that may help to mediate between us , i implore that friend to speak . there was a profound silence . after a few moments of painful hesitation , i broke the silence . mrs . strong , i said , there is something within my knowledge , which i have been earnestly entreated by doctor strong to conceal , and have concealed until tonight . but , i believe the time has come when it would be mistaken faith and delicacy to conceal it any longer , and when your appeal absolves me from his injunction . she turned her face towards me for a moment , and i knew that i was right . i could not have resisted its entreaty , if the assurance that it gave me had been less convincing . our future peace , she said , may be in your hands . i trust it confidently to your not suppressing anything . i know beforehand that nothing you , or anyone , can tell me , will show my husbands noble heart in any other light than one . howsoever it may seem to you to touch me , disregard that . i will speak for myself , before him , and before god afterwards . thus earnestly besought , i made no reference to the doctor for his permission , but , without any other compromise of the truth than a little softening of the coarseness of uriah heep , related plainly what had passed in that same room that night . the staring of mrs . markleham during the whole narration , and the shrill , sharp interjections with which she occasionally interrupted it , defy description . when i had finished , annie remained , for some few moments , silent , with her head bent down , as i have described . then , she took the doctors hand he was sitting in the same attitude as when we had entered the room , and pressed it to her breast , and kissed it . mr . dick softly raised her and she stood , when she began to speak , leaning on him , and looking down upon her husband  whom she never turned her eyes . all that has ever been in my mind , since i was married , she said in a low , submissive , tender voice , i will lay bare before you . i could not live and have one reservation , knowing what i know now . nay , annie , said the doctor , mildly , i have never doubted you , my child . there is no need indeed there is no need , my dear . there is great need , she answered , in the same way , that i should open my whole heart before the soul of generosity and truth , whom , year by year , and day by day , i have loved and venerated more and more , as heaven knows . really , interrupted mrs . markleham , if i have any discretion at all  which you havent , you marplot , observed my aunt , in an indignant whisper . must be permitted to observe that it cannot be requisite to enter into these details . no one but my husband can judge of that , mama , said annie without removing her eyes from his face , and he will hear me . if i say anything to give you pain , mama , forgive me . i have borne pain first , often and long , myself . upon my word . gasped mrs . markleham . when i was very young , said annie , quite a little child , my first associations with knowledge of any kind were inseparable from a patient friend and teacher  friend of my dead father  was always dear to me . i can remember nothing that i know , without remembering him . he stored my mind with its first treasures , and stamped his character upon them all . they never could have been , i think , as good as they have been to me , if i had taken them from any other hands . makes her mother nothing . exclaimed mrs . markleham . not so mama , said annie but i make him what he was . i must do that . as i grew up , he occupied the same place still . i was proud of his interest deeply , fondly , gratefully attached to him . i looked up to him , i can hardly describe how  a father , as a guide , as one whose praise was different from all other praise , as one in whom i could have trusted and confided , if i had doubted all the world . you know , mama , how young and inexperienced i was , when you presented him before me , of a sudden , as a lover . i have mentioned the fact , fifty times at least , to everybody here . said mrs . markleham . then hold your tongue , for the lords sake , and dont mention it any more . muttered my aunt . it was so great a change so great a loss , i felt it , at first , said annie , still preserving the same look and tone , that i was agitated and distressed . i was but a girl and when so great a change came in the character in which i had so long looked up to him , i think i was sorry . but nothing could have made him what he used to be again and i was proud that he should think me so worthy , and we were married . saint alphage , canterbury , observed mrs . markleham . confound the woman . said my aunt , she wont be quiet . i never thought , proceeded annie , with a heightened colour , of any worldly gain that my husband would bring to me . my young heart had no room in its homage for any such poor reference . mama , forgive me when i say that it was you who first presented to my mind the thought that anyone could wrong me , and wrong him , by such a cruel suspicion . me . cried mrs . markleham . ah . you , to be sure . observed my aunt , and you cant fan it away , my military friend . it was the first unhappiness of my new life , said annie . it was the first occasion of every unhappy moment i have known . these moments have been more , of late , than i can count but not  generous husband . for the reason you suppose for in my heart there is not a thought , a recollection , or a hope , that any power could separate from you . she raised her eyes , and clasped her hands , and looked as beautiful and true , i thought , as any spirit . the doctor looked on her , henceforth , as steadfastly as she on him . mama is blameless , she went on , of having ever urged you for herself , and she is blameless in intention every way , i am sure  , when i saw how many importunate claims were pressed upon you in my name how you were traded on in my name how generous you were , and how mr . wickfield , who had your welfare very much at heart , resented it the first sense of my exposure to the mean suspicion that my tenderness was bought  sold to you , of all men on earth  upon me like unmerited disgrace , in which i forced you to participate . i cannot tell you what it was  cannot imagine what it was  have this dread and trouble always on my mind , yet know in my own soul that on my marriage day i crowned the love and honour of my life . a specimen of the thanks one gets , cried mrs . markleham , in tears , for taking care of ones family . i wish i was a turk . i wish you were , with all my heart  in your native country . said my aunt . it was at that time that mama was most solicitous about my cousin maldon . i had liked him she spoke softly , but without any hesitation very much . we had been little lovers once . if circumstances had not happened otherwise , i might have come to persuade myself that i really loved him , and might have married him , and been most wretched . there can be no disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose . i pondered on those words , even while i was studiously attending to what followed , as if they had some particular interest , or some strange application that i could not divine . there can be no disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose  disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose . there is nothing , said annie , that we have in common . i have long found that there is nothing . if i were thankful to my husband for no more , instead of for so much , i should be thankful to him for having saved me from the first mistaken impulse of my undisciplined heart . she stood quite still , before the doctor , and spoke with an earnestness that thrilled me . yet her voice was just as quiet as before . when he was waiting to be the object of your munificence , so freely bestowed for my sake , and when i was unhappy in the mercenary shape i was made to wear , i thought it would have become him better to have worked his own way on . i thought that if i had been he , i would have tried to do it , at the cost of almost any hardship . but i thought no worse of him , until the night of his departure for india . that night i knew he had a false and thankless heart . i saw a double meaning , then , in mr . wickfields scrutiny of me . i perceived , for the first time , the dark suspicion that shadowed my life . suspicion , annie . said the doctor . no , . in your mind there was none , i know , my husband . she returned . and when i came to you , that night , to lay down all my load of shame and grief , and knew that i had to tell that , underneath your roof , one of my own kindred , to whom you had been a benefactor , for the love of me , had spoken to me words that should have found no utterance , even if i had been the weak and mercenary wretch he thought me  mind revolted from the taint the very tale conveyed . it died upon my lips , and from that hour till now has never passed them . mrs . markleham , with a short groan , leaned back in her easy chair and retired behind her fan , as if she were never coming out any more . i have never , but in your presence , interchanged a word with him from that time then , only when it has been necessary for the avoidance of this explanation . years have passed since he knew , from me , what his situation here was . the kindnesses you have secretly done for his advancement , and then disclosed to me , for my surprise and pleasure , have been , you will believe , but aggravations of the unhappiness and burden of my secret . she sunk down gently at the doctors feet , though he did his utmost to prevent her and said , looking up , tearfully , into his face do not speak to me yet . let me say a little more . right or wrong , if this were to be done again , i think i should do just the same . you never can know what it was to be devoted to you , with those old associations to find that anyone could be so hard as to suppose that the truth of my heart was bartered away , and to be surrounded by appearances confirming that belief . i was very young , and had no adviser . between mama and me , in all relating to you , there was a wide division . if i shrunk into myself , hiding the disrespect i had undergone , it was because i honoured you so much , and so much wished that you should honour me . annie , my pure heart . said the doctor , my dear girl . a little more . a very few words more . i used to think there were so many whom you might have married , who would not have brought such charge and trouble on you , and who would have made your home a worthier home . i used to be afraid that i had better have remained your pupil , and almost your child . i used to fear that i was so unsuited to your learning and wisdom . if all this made me shrink within myself when i had that to tell , it was still because i honoured you so much , and hoped that you might one day honour me . that day has shone this long time , annie , said the doctor , and can have but one long night , my dear . another word . i afterwards meant  and purposed to myself  bear the whole weight of knowing the unworthiness of one to whom you had been so good . and now a last word , dearest and best of friends . the cause of the late change in you , which i have seen with so much pain and sorrow , and have sometimes referred to my old apprehension  other times to lingering suppositions nearer to the truth  been made clear tonight and by an accident i have also come to know , tonight , the full measure of your noble trust in me , even under that mistake . i do not hope that any love and duty i may render in return , will ever make me worthy of your priceless confidence but with all this knowledge fresh upon me , i can lift my eyes to this dear face , revered as a fathers , loved as a husbands , sacred to me in my childhood as a friends , and solemnly declare that in my lightest thought i have never wronged you never wavered in the love and the fidelity i owe you . she had her arms around the doctors neck , and he leant his head down over her , mingling his grey hair with her dark brown tresses . oh , hold me to your heart , my husband . never cast me out . do not think or speak of disparity between us , for there is none , except in all my many imperfections . every succeeding year i have known this better , as i have esteemed you more and more . oh , take me to your heart , my husband , for my love was founded on a rock , and it endures . in the silence that ensued , my aunt walked gravely up to mr . dick , without at all hurrying herself , and gave him a hug and a sounding kiss . and it was very fortunate , with a view to his credit , that she did so for i am confident that i detected him at that moment in the act of making preparations to stand on one leg , as an appropriate expression of delight . you are a very remarkable man , dick . said my aunt , with an air of unqualified approbation and never pretend to be anything else , for i know better . with that , my aunt pulled him by the sleeve , and nodded to me and we three stole quietly out of the room , and came away . thats a settler for our military friend , at any rate , said my aunt , on the way home . i should sleep the better for that , if there was nothing else to be glad of . she was quite overcome , i am afraid , said mr . dick , with great commiseration . what . did you ever see a crocodile overcome . inquired my aunt . i dont think i ever saw a crocodile , returned mr . dick , mildly . there never would have been anything the matter , if it hadnt been for that old animal , said my aunt , with strong emphasis . its very much to be wished that some mothers would leave their daughters alone after marriage , and not be so violently affectionate . they seem to think the only return that can be made them for bringing an unfortunate young woman into the world  bless my soul , as if she asked to be brought , or wanted to come . full liberty to worry her out of it again . what are you thinking of , trot . i was thinking of all that had been said . my mind was still running on some of the expressions used . there can be no disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose . the first mistaken impulse of an undisciplined heart . my love was founded on a rock . but we were at home and the trodden leaves were lying under foot, , and the autumn wind was blowing . chapter . intelligence i must have been married , if i may trust to my imperfect memory for dates , about a year or so , when one evening , as i was returning from a solitary walk , thinking of the book i was then writing  my success had steadily increased with my steady application , and i was engaged at that time upon my first work of fiction  came past mrs . steerforths house . i had often passed it before , during my residence in that neighbourhood , though never when i could choose another road . howbeit , it did sometimes happen that it was not easy to find another , without making a long circuit and so i had passed that way , upon the whole , pretty often . i had never done more than glance at the house , as i went by with a quickened step . it had been uniformly gloomy and dull . none of the best rooms abutted on the road and the narrow , heavily framed old fashioned windows , never cheerful under any circumstances , looked very dismal , close shut , and with their blinds always drawn down . there was a covered way across a little paved court , to an entrance that was never used and there was one round staircase window , at odds with all the rest , and the only one unshaded by a blind , which had the same unoccupied blank look . i do not remember that i ever saw a light in all the house . if i had been a casual passer by, , i should have probably supposed that some childless person lay dead in it . if i had happily possessed no knowledge of the place , and had seen it often in that changeless state , i should have pleased my fancy with many ingenious speculations , i dare say . as it was , i thought as little of it as i might . but my mind could not go by it and leave it , as my body did and it usually awakened a long train of meditations . coming before me , on this particular evening that i mention , mingled with the childish recollections and later fancies , the ghosts of half formed hopes , the broken shadows of disappointments dimly seen and understood , the blending of experience and imagination , incidental to the occupation with which my thoughts had been busy , it was more than commonly suggestive . i fell into a brown study as i walked on , and a voice at my side made me start . it was a womans voice , too . i was not long in recollecting mrs . steerforths little parlour maid, , who had formerly worn blue ribbons in her cap . she had taken them out now , to adapt herself , i suppose , to the altered character of the house and wore but one or two disconsolate bows of sober brown . if you please , sir , would you have the goodness to walk in , and speak to miss dartle . has miss dartle sent you for me . i inquired . not tonight , sir , but its just the same . miss dartle saw you pass a night or two ago and i was to sit at work on the staircase , and when i saw you pass again , to ask you to step in and speak to her . i turned back , and inquired of my conductor , as we went along , how mrs . steerforth was . she said her lady was but poorly , and kept her own room a good deal . when we arrived at the house , i was directed to miss dartle in the garden , and left to make my presence known to her myself . she was sitting on a seat at one end of a kind of terrace , overlooking the great city . it was a sombre evening , with a lurid light in the sky and as i saw the prospect scowling in the distance , with here and there some larger object starting up into the sullen glare , i fancied it was no inapt companion to the memory of this fierce woman . she saw me as i advanced , and rose for a moment to receive me . i thought her , then , still more colourless and thin than when i had seen her last the flashing eyes still brighter , and the scar still plainer . our meeting was not cordial . we had parted angrily on the last occasion and there was an air of disdain about her , which she took no pains to conceal . i am told you wish to speak to me , miss dartle , said i , standing near her , with my hand upon the back of the seat , and declining her gesture of invitation to sit down . if you please , said she . pray has this girl been found . no . and yet she has run away . i saw her thin lips working while she looked at me , as if they were eager to load her with reproaches . run away . i repeated . yes . from him , she said , with a laugh . if she is not found , perhaps she never will be found . she may be dead . the vaunting cruelty with which she met my glance , i never saw expressed in any other face that ever i have seen . to wish her dead , said i , may be the kindest wish that one of her own sex could bestow upon her . i am glad that time has softened you so much , miss dartle . she condescended to make no reply , but , turning on me with another scornful laugh , said the friends of this excellent and much injured young lady are friends of yours . you are their champion , and assert their rights . do you wish to know what is known of her . yes , said i . she rose with an ill favoured smile , and taking a few steps towards a wall of holly that was near at hand , dividing the lawn from a kitchen garden, , said , in a louder voice , come here . if she were calling to some unclean beast . you will restrain any demonstrative championship or vengeance in this place , of course , mr . copperfield . said she , looking over her shoulder at me with the same expression . i inclined my head , without knowing what she meant and she said , come here . again and returned , followed by the respectable mr . littimer , who , with undiminished respectability , made me a bow , and took up his position behind her . the air of wicked grace of triumph , in which , strange to say , there was yet something feminine and alluring with which she reclined upon the seat between us , and looked at me , was worthy of a cruel princess in a legend . now , said she , imperiously , without glancing at him , and touching the old wound as it throbbed perhaps , in this instance , with pleasure rather than pain . tell mr . copperfield about the flight . mr . james and myself , maam  dont address yourself to me . she interrupted with a frown . mr . james and myself , sir  nor to me , if you please , said i . mr . littimer , without being at all discomposed , signified by a slight obeisance , that anything that was most agreeable to us was most agreeable to him and began again . mr . james and myself have been abroad with the young woman , ever since she left yarmouth under mr . jamess protection . we have been in a variety of places , and seen a deal of foreign country . we have been in france , switzerland , italy , in fact , almost all parts . he looked at the back of the seat , as if he were addressing himself to that and softly played upon it with his hands , as if he were striking chords upon a dumb piano . mr . james took quite uncommonly to the young woman and was more settled , for a length of time , than i have known him to be since i have been in his service . the young woman was very improvable , and spoke the languages and wouldnt have been known for the same country person . i noticed that she was much admired wherever we went . miss dartle put her hand upon her side . i saw him steal a glance at her , and slightly smile to himself . very much admired , indeed , the young woman was . what with her dress what with the air and sun what with being made so much of what with this , that , and the other her merits really attracted general notice . he made a short pause . her eyes wandered restlessly over the distant prospect , and she bit her nether lip to stop that busy mouth . taking his hands from the seat , and placing one of them within the other , as he settled himself on one leg , mr . littimer proceeded , with his eyes cast down , and his respectable head a little advanced , and a little on one side the young woman went on in this manner for some time , being occasionally low in her spirits , until i think she began to weary mr . james by giving way to her low spirits and tempers of that kind and things were not so comfortable . mr . james he began to be restless again . the more restless he got , the worse she got and i must say , for myself , that i had a very difficult time of it indeed between the two . still matters were patched up here , and made good there , over and over again and altogether lasted , i am sure , for a longer time than anybody could have expected . recalling her eyes from the distance , she looked at me again now , with her former air . mr . littimer , clearing his throat behind his hand with a respectable short cough , changed legs , and went on at last , when there had been , upon the whole , a good many words and reproaches , mr . james he set off one morning , from the neighbourhood of naples , where we had a villa the young woman being very partial to the sea , and , under pretence of coming back in a day or so , left it in charge with me to break it out , that , for the general happiness of all concerned , he was  an interruption of the short cough  . but mr . james , i must say , certainly did behave extremely honourable for he proposed that the young woman should marry a very respectable person , who was fully prepared to overlook the past , and who was , at least , as good as anybody the young woman could have aspired to in a regular way her connexions being very common . he changed legs again , and wetted his lips . i was convinced that the scoundrel spoke of himself , and i saw my conviction reflected in miss dartles face . this i also had it in charge to communicate . i was willing to do anything to relieve mr . james from his difficulty , and to restore harmony between himself and an affectionate parent , who has undergone so much on his account . therefore i undertook the commission . the young womans violence when she came to , after i broke the fact of his departure , was beyond all expectations . she was quite mad , and had to be held by force or , if she couldnt have got to a knife , or got to the sea , shed have beaten her head against the marble floor . miss dartle , leaning back upon the seat , with a light of exultation in her face , seemed almost to caress the sounds this fellow had uttered . but when i came to the second part of what had been entrusted to me , said mr . littimer , rubbing his hands uneasily , which anybody might have supposed would have been , at all events , appreciated as a kind intention , then the young woman came out in her true colours . a more outrageous person i never did see . her conduct was surprisingly bad . she had no more gratitude , no more feeling , no more patience , no more reason in her , than a stock or a stone . if i hadnt been upon my guard , i am convinced she would have had my blood . i think the better of her for it , said i , indignantly . mr . littimer bent his head , as much as to say , indeed , sir . but youre young . and resumed his narrative . it was necessary , in short , for a time , to take away everything nigh her , that she could do herself , or anybody else , an injury with , and to shut her up close . notwithstanding which , she got out in the night forced the lattice of a window , that i had nailed up myself dropped on a vine that was trailed below and never has been seen or heard of , to my knowledge , since . she is dead , perhaps , said miss dartle , with a smile , as if she could have spurned the body of the ruined girl . she may have drowned herself , miss , returned mr . littimer , catching at an excuse for addressing himself to somebody . its very possible . or , she may have had assistance from the boatmen , and the boatmens wives and children . being given to low company , she was very much in the habit of talking to them on the beach , miss dartle , and sitting by their boats . i have known her do it , when mr . james has been away , whole days . mr . james was far from pleased to find out , once , that she had told the children she was a boatmans daughter , and that in her own country , long ago , she had roamed about the beach , like them . oh , emily . unhappy beauty . what a picture rose before me of her sitting on the far off shore , among the children like herself when she was innocent , listening to little voices such as might have called her mother had she been a poor mans wife and to the great voice of the sea , with its eternal never more . when it was clear that nothing could be done , miss dartle  did i tell you not to speak to me . she said , with stern contempt . you spoke to me , miss , he replied . i beg your pardon . but it is my service to obey . do your service , she returned . finish your story , and go . when it was clear , he said , with infinite respectability and an obedient bow , that she was not to be found , i went to mr . james , at the place where it had been agreed that i should write to him , and informed him of what had occurred . words passed between us in consequence , and i felt it due to my character to leave him . i could bear , and i have borne , a great deal from mr . james but he insulted me too far . he hurt me . knowing the unfortunate difference between himself and his mother , and what her anxiety of mind was likely to be , i took the liberty of coming home to england , and relating  for money which i paid him , said miss dartle to me . just so , maam  relating what i knew . i am not aware , said mr . littimer , after a moments reflection , that there is anything else . i am at present out of employment , and should be happy to meet with a respectable situation . miss dartle glanced at me , as though she would inquire if there were anything that i desired to ask . as there was something which had occurred to my mind , i said in reply i could wish to know from this  , i could not bring myself to utter any more conciliatory word , whether they intercepted a letter that was written to her from home , or whether he supposes that she received it . he remained calm and silent , with his eyes fixed on the ground , and the tip of every finger of his right hand delicately poised against the tip of every finger of his left . miss dartle turned her head disdainfully towards him . i beg your pardon , miss , he said , awakening from his abstraction , but , however submissive to you , i have my position , though a servant . mr . copperfield and you , miss , are different people . if mr . copperfield wishes to know anything from me , i take the liberty of reminding mr . copperfield that he can put a question to me . i have a character to maintain . after a momentary struggle with myself , i turned my eyes upon him , and said , you have heard my question . consider it addressed to yourself , if you choose . what answer do you make . sir , he rejoined , with an occasional separation and reunion of those delicate tips , my answer must be qualified because , to betray mr . jamess confidence to his mother , and to betray it to you , are two different actions . it is not probable , i consider , that mr . james would encourage the receipt of letters likely to increase low spirits and unpleasantness but further than that , sir , i should wish to avoid going . is that all . inquired miss dartle of me . i indicated that i had nothing more to say . except , i added , as i saw him moving off , that i understand this fellows part in the wicked story , and that , as i shall make it known to the honest man who has been her father from her childhood , i would recommend him to avoid going too much into public . he had stopped the moment i began , and had listened with his usual repose of manner . thank you , sir . but youll excuse me if i say , sir , that there are neither slaves nor slave drivers in this country , and that people are not allowed to take the law into their own hands . if they do , it is more to their own peril , i believe , than to other peoples . consequently speaking , i am not at all afraid of going wherever i may wish , sir . with that , he made a polite bow and , with another to miss dartle , went away through the arch in the wall of holly by which he had come . miss dartle and i regarded each other for a little while in silence her manner being exactly what it was , when she had produced the man . he says besides , she observed , with a slow curling of her lip , that his master , as he hears , is coasting spain and this done , is away to gratify his seafaring tastes till he is weary . but this is of no interest to you . between these two proud persons , mother and son , there is a wider breach than before , and little hope of its healing , for they are one at heart , and time makes each more obstinate and imperious . neither is this of any interest to you but it introduces what i wish to say . this devil whom you make an angel of . i mean this low girl whom he picked out of the tide mud, , with her black eyes full upon me , and her passionate finger up , may be alive  , i believe some common things are hard to die . if she is , you will desire to have a pearl of such price found and taken care of . we desire that , too that he may not by any chance be made her prey again . so far , we are united in one interest and that is why i , who would do her any mischief that so coarse a wretch is capable of feeling , have sent for you to hear what you have heard . i saw , by the change in her face , that someone was advancing behind me . it was mrs . steerforth , who gave me her hand more coldly than of yore , and with an augmentation of her former stateliness of manner , but still , i perceived  i was touched by it  an ineffaceable remembrance of my old love for her son . she was greatly altered . her fine figure was far less upright , her handsome face was deeply marked , and her hair was almost white . but when she sat down on the seat , she was a handsome lady still and well i knew the bright eye with its lofty look , that had been a light in my very dreams at school . is mr . copperfield informed of everything , rosa . yes . and has he heard littimer himself . yes i have told him why you wished it . you are a good girl . i have had some slight correspondence with your former friend , sir , addressing me , but it has not restored his sense of duty or natural obligation . therefore i have no other object in this , than what rosa has mentioned . if , by the course which may relieve the mind of the decent man you brought here my son may be saved from again falling into the snares of a designing enemy , well . she drew herself up , and sat looking straight before her , far away . madam , i said respectfully , i understand . i assure you i am in no danger of putting any strained construction on your motives . but i must say , even to you , having known this injured family from childhood , that if you suppose the girl , so deeply wronged , has not been cruelly deluded , and would not rather die a hundred deaths than take a cup of water from your sons hand now , you cherish a terrible mistake . well , rosa , well . said mrs . steerforth , as the other was about to interpose , it is no matter . let it be . you are married , sir , i am told . i answered that i had been some time married . and are doing well . i hear little in the quiet life i lead , but i understand you are beginning to be famous . i have been very fortunate , i said , and find my name connected with some praise . you have no mother . a softened voice . no . it is a pity , she returned . she would have been proud of you . good night . i took the hand she held out with a dignified , unbending air , and it was as calm in mine as if her breast had been at peace . her pride could still its very pulses , it appeared , and draw the placid veil before her face , through which she sat looking straight before her on the far distance . as i moved away from them along the terrace , i could not help observing how steadily they both sat gazing on the prospect , and how it thickened and closed around them . here and there , some early lamps were seen to twinkle in the distant city and in the eastern quarter of the sky the lurid light still hovered . but , from the greater part of the broad valley interposed , a mist was rising like a sea , which , mingling with the darkness , made it seem as if the gathering waters would encompass them . i have reason to remember this , and think of it with awe for before i looked upon those two again , a stormy sea had risen to their feet . reflecting on what had been thus told me , i felt it right that it should be communicated to mr . peggotty . on the following evening i went into london in quest of him . he was always wandering about from place to place , with his one object of recovering his niece before him but was more in london than elsewhere . often and often , now , had i seen him in the dead of night passing along the streets , searching , among the few who loitered out of doors at those untimely hours , for what he dreaded to find . he kept a lodging over the little chandlers shop in hungerford market , which i have had occasion to mention more than once , and from which he first went forth upon his errand of mercy . hither i directed my walk . on making inquiry for him , i learned from the people of the house that he had not gone out yet , and i should find him in his room upstairs . he was sitting reading by a window in which he kept a few plants . the room was very neat and orderly . i saw in a moment that it was always kept prepared for her reception , and that he never went out but he thought it possible he might bring her home . he had not heard my tap at the door , and only raised his eyes when i laid my hand upon his shoulder . masr davy . thankee , sir . thankee hearty , for this visit . sit ye down . youre kindly welcome , sir . mr . peggotty , said i , taking the chair he handed me , dont expect much . i have heard some news . of emly . he put his hand , in a nervous manner , on his mouth , and turned pale , as he fixed his eyes on mine . it gives no clue to where she is but she is not with him . he sat down , looking intently at me , and listened in profound silence to all i had to tell . i well remember the sense of dignity , beauty even , with which the patient gravity of his face impressed me , when , having gradually removed his eyes from mine , he sat looking downward , leaning his forehead on his hand . he offered no interruption , but remained throughout perfectly still . he seemed to pursue her figure through the narrative , and to let every other shape go by him , as if it were nothing . when i had done , he shaded his face , and continued silent . i looked out of the window for a little while , and occupied myself with the plants . how do you fare to feel about it , masr davy . he inquired at length . i think that she is living , i replied . i doent know . maybe the first shock was too rough , and in the wildness of her art  . that there blue water as she used to speak on . could she have thowt o that so many year , because it was to be her grave . he said this , musing , in a low , frightened voice and walked across the little room . and yet , he added , masr davy , i have felt so sure as she was living  have knowd , awake and sleeping , as it was so trew that i should find her  have been so led on by it , and held up by it  i doent believe i can have been deceived . no . emlys alive . he put his hand down firmly on the table , and set his sunburnt face into a resolute expression . my niece , emly , is alive , sir . he said , steadfastly . i doent know wheer it comes from , or how tis , but i am told as shes alive . he looked almost like a man inspired , as he said it . i waited for a few moments , until he could give me his undivided attention and then proceeded to explain the precaution , that , it had occurred to me last night , it would be wise to take . now , my dear friend  began . thankee , kind sir , he said , grasping my hand in both of his . if she should make her way to london , which is likely  where could she lose herself so readily as in this vast city and what would she wish to do , but lose and hide herself , if she does not go home . and she wont go home , he interposed , shaking his head mournfully . if she had left of her own accord , she might not as it was , sir . if she should come here , said i , believe there is one person , here , more likely to discover her than any other in the world . do you remember  what i say , with fortitude  of your great object . you remember martha . of our town . i needed no other answer than his face . do you know that she is in london . i have seen her in the streets , he answered , with a shiver . but you dont know , said i , that emily was charitable to her , with hams help , long before she fled from home . nor , that , when we met one night , and spoke together in the room yonder , over the way , she listened at the door . masr davy . he replied in astonishment . that night when it snew so hard . that night . i have never seen her since . i went back , after parting from you , to speak to her , but she was gone . i was unwilling to mention her to you then , and i am now but she is the person of whom i speak , and with whom i think we should communicate . do you understand . too well , sir , he replied . we had sunk our voices , almost to a whisper , and continued to speak in that tone . you say you have seen her . do you think that you could find her . i could only hope to do so by chance . i think , masr davy , i know wheer to look . it is dark . being together , shall we go out now , and try to find her tonight . he assented , and prepared to accompany me . without appearing to observe what he was doing , i saw how carefully he adjusted the little room , put a candle ready and the means of lighting it , arranged the bed , and finally took out of a drawer one of her dresses i remember to have seen her wear it , neatly folded with some other garments , and a bonnet , which he placed upon a chair . he made no allusion to these clothes , neither did i . there they had been waiting for her , many and many a night , no doubt . the time was , masr davy , he said , as we came downstairs , when i thowt this girl , martha , amost like the dirt underneath my emlys feet . god forgive me , theers a difference now . as we went along , partly to hold him in conversation , and partly to satisfy myself , i asked him about ham . he said , almost in the same words as formerly , that ham was just the same , wearing away his life with kiender no care nohow for t but never murmuring , and liked by all . i asked him what he thought hams state of mind was , in reference to the cause of their misfortunes . whether he believed it was dangerous . what he supposed , for example , ham would do , if he and steerforth ever should encounter . i doent know , sir , he replied . i have thowt of it oftentimes , but i cant awize myself of it , no matters . i recalled to his remembrance the morning after her departure , when we were all three on the beach . do you recollect , said i , a certain wild way in which he looked out to sea , and spoke about the end of it . sure i do . said he . what do you suppose he meant . masr davy , he replied , ive put the question to myself a mort o times , and never found no answer . and theers one curious thing  , though he is so pleasant , i wouldnt fare to feel comfortable to try and get his mind upon t . he never said a wured to me as warnt as dootiful as dootiful could be , and it aint likely as hed begin to speak any other ways now but its fur from being fleet water in his mind , where them thowts lays . its deep , sir , and i cant see down . you are right , said i , and that has sometimes made me anxious . and me too , masr davy , he rejoined . even more so , i do assure you , than his ventersome ways , though both belongs to the alteration in him . i doent know as hed do violence under any circumstances , but i hope as them two may be kep asunders . we had come , through temple bar , into the city . conversing no more now , and walking at my side , he yielded himself up to the one aim of his devoted life , and went on , with that hushed concentration of his faculties which would have made his figure solitary in a multitude . we were not far from blackfriars bridge , when he turned his head and pointed to a solitary female figure flitting along the opposite side of the street . i knew it , readily , to be the figure that we sought . we crossed the road , and were pressing on towards her , when it occurred to me that she might be more disposed to feel a womans interest in the lost girl , if we spoke to her in a quieter place , aloof from the crowd , and where we should be less observed . i advised my companion , therefore , that we should not address her yet , but follow her consulting in this , likewise , an indistinct desire i had , to know where she went . he acquiescing , we followed at a distance never losing sight of her , but never caring to come very near , as she frequently looked about . once , she stopped to listen to a band of music and then we stopped too . she went on a long way . still we went on . it was evident , from the manner in which she held her course , that she was going to some fixed destination and this , and her keeping in the busy streets , and i suppose the strange fascination in the secrecy and mystery of so following anyone , made me adhere to my first purpose . at length she turned into a dull , dark street , where the noise and crowd were lost and i said , we may speak to her now and , mending our pace , we went after her . chapter . martha we were now down in westminster . we had turned back to follow her , having encountered her coming towards us and westminster abbey was the point at which she passed from the lights and noise of the leading streets . she proceeded so quickly , when she got free of the two currents of passengers setting towards and from the bridge , that , between this and the advance she had of us when she struck off , we were in the narrow water side street by millbank before we came up with her . at that moment she crossed the road , as if to avoid the footsteps that she heard so close behind and , without looking back , passed on even more rapidly . a glimpse of the river through a dull gateway , where some waggons were housed for the night , seemed to arrest my feet . i touched my companion without speaking , and we both forbore to cross after her , and both followed on that opposite side of the way keeping as quietly as we could in the shadow of the houses , but keeping very near her . there was , and is when i write , at the end of that low lying street , a dilapidated little wooden building , probably an obsolete old ferry house . its position is just at that point where the street ceases , and the road begins to lie between a row of houses and the river . as soon as she came here , and saw the water , she stopped as if she had come to her destination and presently went slowly along by the brink of the river , looking intently at it . all the way here , i had supposed that she was going to some house indeed , i had vaguely entertained the hope that the house might be in some way associated with the lost girl . but that one dark glimpse of the river , through the gateway , had instinctively prepared me for her going no farther . the neighbourhood was a dreary one at that time as oppressive , sad , and solitary by night , as any about london . there were neither wharves nor houses on the melancholy waste of road near the great blank prison . a sluggish ditch deposited its mud at the prison walls . coarse grass and rank weeds straggled over all the marshy land in the vicinity . in one part , carcases of houses , inauspiciously begun and never finished , rotted away . in another , the ground was cumbered with rusty iron monsters of steam boilers, , wheels , cranks , pipes , furnaces , paddles , anchors , diving bells, , windmill sails, , and i know not what strange objects , accumulated by some speculator , and grovelling in the dust , underneath which  sunk into the soil of their own weight in wet weather  had the appearance of vainly trying to hide themselves . the clash and glare of sundry fiery works upon the river side, , arose by night to disturb everything except the heavy and unbroken smoke that poured out of their chimneys . slimy gaps and causeways , winding among old wooden piles , with a sickly substance clinging to the latter , like green hair , and the rags of last years handbills offering rewards for drowned men fluttering above high water mark , led down through the ooze and slush to the ebb tide . there was a story that one of the pits dug for the dead in the time of the great plague was hereabout and a blighting influence seemed to have proceeded from it over the whole place . or else it looked as if it had gradually decomposed into that nightmare condition , out of the overflowings of the polluted stream . as if she were a part of the refuse it had cast out , and left to corruption and decay , the girl we had followed strayed down to the rivers brink , and stood in the midst of this night picture, , lonely and still , looking at the water . there were some boats and barges astrand in the mud , and these enabled us to come within a few yards of her without being seen . i then signed to mr . peggotty to remain where he was , and emerged from their shade to speak to her . i did not approach her solitary figure without trembling for this gloomy end to her determined walk , and the way in which she stood , almost within the cavernous shadow of the iron bridge , looking at the lights crookedly reflected in the strong tide , inspired a dread within me . i think she was talking to herself . i am sure , although absorbed in gazing at the water , that her shawl was off her shoulders , and that she was muffling her hands in it , in an unsettled and bewildered way , more like the action of a sleep walker than a waking person . i know , and never can forget , that there was that in her wild manner which gave me no assurance but that she would sink before my eyes , until i had her arm within my grasp . at the same moment i said martha . she uttered a terrified scream , and struggled with me with such strength that i doubt if i could have held her alone . but a stronger hand than mine was laid upon her and when she raised her frightened eyes and saw whose it was , she made but one more effort and dropped down between us . we carried her away from the water to where there were some dry stones , and there laid her down , crying and moaning . in a little while she sat among the stones , holding her wretched head with both her hands . oh , the river . she cried passionately . oh , the river . hush , . said i . calm yourself . but she still repeated the same words , continually exclaiming , oh , the river . over and over again . i know its like me . she exclaimed . i know that i belong to it . i know that its the natural company of such as i am . it comes from country places , where there was once no harm in it  creeps through the dismal streets , defiled and miserable  it goes away , like my life , to a great sea , that is always troubled  i feel that i must go with it . i have never known what despair was , except in the tone of those words . i cant keep away from it . i cant forget it . it haunts me day and night . its the only thing in all the world that i am fit for , or thats fit for me . oh , the dreadful river . the thought passed through my mind that in the face of my companion , as he looked upon her without speech or motion , i might have read his nieces history , if i had known nothing of it . i never saw , in any painting or reality , horror and compassion so impressively blended . he shook as if he would have fallen and his hand  touched it with my own , for his appearance alarmed me  deadly cold . she is in a state of frenzy , i whispered to him . she will speak differently in a little time . i dont know what he would have said in answer . he made some motion with his mouth , and seemed to think he had spoken but he had only pointed to her with his outstretched hand . a new burst of crying came upon her now , in which she once more hid her face among the stones , and lay before us , a prostrate image of humiliation and ruin . knowing that this state must pass , before we could speak to her with any hope , i ventured to restrain him when he would have raised her , and we stood by in silence until she became more tranquil . martha , said i then , leaning down , and helping her to rise  seemed to want to rise as if with the intention of going away , but she was weak , and leaned against a boat . do you know who this is , who is with me . she said faintly , yes . do you know that we have followed you a long way tonight . she shook her head . she looked neither at him nor at me , but stood in a humble attitude , holding her bonnet and shawl in one hand , without appearing conscious of them , and pressing the other , clenched , against her forehead . are you composed enough , said i , to speak on the subject which so interested you  hope heaven may remember it . snowy night . her sobs broke out afresh , and she murmured some inarticulate thanks to me for not having driven her away from the door . i want to say nothing for myself , she said , after a few moments . i am bad , i am lost . i have no hope at all . but tell him , sir , she had shrunk away from him , if you dont feel too hard to me to do it , that i never was in any way the cause of his misfortune . it has never been attributed to you , i returned , earnestly responding to her earnestness . it was you , if i dont deceive myself , she said , in a broken voice , that came into the kitchen , the night she took such pity on me was so gentle to me didnt shrink away from me like all the rest , and gave me such kind help . was it you , sir . it was , said i . i should have been in the river long ago , she said , glancing at it with a terrible expression , if any wrong to her had been upon my mind . i never could have kept out of it a single winters night , if i had not been free of any share in that . the cause of her flight is too well understood , i said . you are innocent of any part in it , we thoroughly believe  , know . oh , i might have been much the better for her , if i had a better heart . exclaimed the girl , with most forlorn regret for she was always good to me . she never spoke a word to me but what was pleasant and right . is it likely i would try to make her what i am myself , knowing what i am myself , so well . when i lost everything that makes life dear , the worst of all my thoughts was that i was parted for ever from her . mr . peggotty , standing with one hand on the gunwale of the boat , and his eyes cast down , put his disengaged hand before his face . and when i heard what had happened before that snowy night , from some belonging to our town , cried martha , the bitterest thought in all my mind was , that the people would remember she once kept company with me , and would say i had corrupted her . when , heaven knows , i would have died to have brought back her good name . long unused to any self control, , the piercing agony of her remorse and grief was terrible . to have died , would not have been much  can i say . would have lived . she cried . i would have lived to be old , in the wretched streets  to wander about , avoided , in the dark  to see the day break on the ghastly line of houses , and remember how the same sun used to shine into my room , and wake me once  would have done even that , to save her . sinking on the stones , she took some in each hand , and clenched them up , as if she would have ground them . she writhed into some new posture constantly stiffening her arms , twisting them before her face , as though to shut out from her eyes the little light there was , and drooping her head , as if it were heavy with insupportable recollections . what shall i ever do . she said , fighting thus with her despair . how can i go on as i am , a solitary curse to myself , a living disgrace to everyone i come near . suddenly she turned to my companion . stamp upon me , kill me . when she was your pride , you would have thought i had done her harm if i had brushed against her in the street . you cant believe  should you . syllable that comes out of my lips . it would be a burning shame upon you , even now , if she and i exchanged a word . i dont complain . i dont say she and i are alike  know there is a long , way between us . i only say , with all my guilt and wretchedness upon my head , that i am grateful to her from my soul , and love her . oh , dont think that all the power i had of loving anything is quite worn out . throw me away , as all the world does . kill me for being what i am , and having ever known her but dont think that of me . he looked upon her , while she made this supplication , in a wild distracted manner and , when she was silent , gently raised her . martha , said mr . peggotty , god forbid as i should judge you . forbid as i , of all men , should do that , my girl . you doent know half the change thats come , in course of time , upon me , when you think it likely . well . he paused a moment , then went on . you doent understand how tis that this here gentleman and me has wished to speak to you . you doent understand what tis we has afore us . listen now . his influence upon her was complete . she stood , shrinkingly , before him , as if she were afraid to meet his eyes but her passionate sorrow was quite hushed and mute . if you heerd , said mr . peggotty , owt of what passed between masr davy and me , th night when it snew so hard , you know as i have been  not  to seek my dear niece . my dear niece , he repeated steadily . fur shes more dear to me now , martha , than she was dear afore . she put her hands before her face but otherwise remained quiet . i have heerd her tell , said mr . peggotty , as you was early left fatherless and motherless , with no friend fur to take , in a rough seafaring way, , their place . maybe you can guess that if youd had such a friend , youd have got into a way of being fond of him in course of time , and that my niece was kiender daughter like to me . as she was silently trembling , he put her shawl carefully about her , taking it up from the ground for that purpose . whereby , said he , i know , both as she would go to the wurelds furdest end with me , if she could once see me again and that she would fly to the wurelds furdest end to keep off seeing me . for though she aint no call to doubt my love , and doent  he repeated , with a quiet assurance of the truth of what he said , theres shame steps in , and keeps betwixt us . i read , in every word of his plain impressive way of delivering himself , new evidence of his having thought of this one topic , in every feature it presented . according to our reckoning , he proceeded , masr davys here , and mine , she is like , one day , to make her own poor solitary course to london . we believe  davy , me , and all of us  you are as innocent of everything that has befell her , as the unborn child . youve spoke of her being pleasant , kind , and gentle to you . bless her , i knew she was . i knew she always was , to all . youre thankful to her , and you love her . help us all you can to find her , and may heaven reward you . she looked at him hastily , and for the first time , as if she were doubtful of what he had said . will you trust me . she asked , in a low voice of astonishment . full and free . said mr . peggotty . to speak to her , if i should ever find her shelter her , if i have any shelter to divide with her and then , without her knowledge , come to you , and bring you to her . she asked hurriedly . we both replied together , yes . she lifted up her eyes , and solemnly declared that she would devote herself to this task , fervently and faithfully . that she would never waver in it , never be diverted from it , never relinquish it , while there was any chance of hope . if she were not true to it , might the object she now had in life , which bound her to something devoid of evil , in its passing away from her , leave her more forlorn and more despairing , if that were possible , than she had been upon the rivers brink that night and then might all help , human and divine , renounce her evermore . she did not raise her voice above her breath , or address us , but said this to the night sky then stood profoundly quiet , looking at the gloomy water . we judged it expedient , now , to tell her all we knew which i recounted at length . she listened with great attention , and with a face that often changed , but had the same purpose in all its varying expressions . her eyes occasionally filled with tears , but those she repressed . it seemed as if her spirit were quite altered , and she could not be too quiet . she asked , when all was told , where we were to be communicated with , if occasion should arise . under a dull lamp in the road , i wrote our two addresses on a leaf of my pocket book, , which i tore out and gave to her , and which she put in her poor bosom . i asked her where she lived herself . she said , after a pause , in no place long . it were better not to know . mr . peggotty suggesting to me , in a whisper , what had already occurred to myself , i took out my purse but i could not prevail upon her to accept any money , nor could i exact any promise from her that she would do so at another time . i represented to her that mr . peggotty could not be called , for one in his condition , poor and that the idea of her engaging in this search , while depending on her own resources , shocked us both . she continued steadfast . in this particular , his influence upon her was equally powerless with mine . she gratefully thanked him but remained inexorable . there may be work to be got , she said . ill try . at least take some assistance , i returned , until you have tried . i could not do what i have promised , for money , she replied . i could not take it , if i was starving . to give me money would be to take away your trust , to take away the object that you have given me , to take away the only certain thing that saves me from the river . in the name of the great judge , said i , before whom you and all of us must stand at his dread time , dismiss that terrible idea . we can all do some good , if we will . she trembled , and her lip shook , and her face was paler , as she answered it has been put into your hearts , perhaps , to save a wretched creature for repentance . i am afraid to think so it seems too bold . if any good should come of me , i might begin to hope for nothing but harm has ever come of my deeds yet . i am to be trusted , for the first time in a long while , with my miserable life , on account of what you have given me to try for . i know no more , and i can say no more . again she repressed the tears that had begun to flow and , putting out her trembling hand , and touching mr . peggotty , as if there was some healing virtue in him , went away along the desolate road . she had been ill , probably for a long time . i observed , upon that closer opportunity of observation , that she was worn and haggard , and that her sunken eyes expressed privation and endurance . we followed her at a short distance , our way lying in the same direction , until we came back into the lighted and populous streets . i had such implicit confidence in her declaration , that i then put it to mr . peggotty , whether it would not seem , in the onset , like distrusting her , to follow her any farther . he being of the same mind , and equally reliant on her , we suffered her to take her own road , and took ours , which was towards highgate . he accompanied me a good part of the way and when we parted , with a prayer for the success of this fresh effort , there was a new and thoughtful compassion in him that i was at no loss to interpret . it was midnight when i arrived at home . i had reached my own gate , and was standing listening for the deep bell of st . pauls , the sound of which i thought had been borne towards me among the multitude of striking clocks , when i was rather surprised to see that the door of my aunts cottage was open , and that a faint light in the entry was shining out across the road . thinking that my aunt might have relapsed into one of her old alarms , and might be watching the progress of some imaginary conflagration in the distance , i went to speak to her . it was with very great surprise that i saw a man standing in her little garden . he had a glass and bottle in his hand , and was in the act of drinking . i stopped short , among the thick foliage outside , for the moon was up now , though obscured and i recognized the man whom i had once supposed to be a delusion of mr . dicks , and had once encountered with my aunt in the streets of the city . he was eating as well as drinking , and seemed to eat with a hungry appetite . he seemed curious regarding the cottage , too , as if it were the first time he had seen it . after stooping to put the bottle on the ground , he looked up at the windows , and looked about though with a covert and impatient air , as if he was anxious to be gone . the light in the passage was obscured for a moment , and my aunt came out . she was agitated , and told some money into his hand . i heard it chink . whats the use of this . he demanded . i can spare no more , returned my aunt . then i cant go , said he . here . you may take it back . you bad man , returned my aunt , with great emotion how can you use me so . but why do i ask . it is because you know how weak i am . what have i to do , to free myself for ever of your visits , but to abandon you to your deserts . and why dont you abandon me to my deserts . said he . you ask me why . returned my aunt . what a heart you must have . he stood moodily rattling the money , and shaking his head , until at length he said is this all you mean to give me , then . it is all i can give you , said my aunt . you know i have had losses , and am poorer than i used to be . i have told you so . having got it , why do you give me the pain of looking at you for another moment , and seeing what you have become . i have become shabby enough , if you mean that , he said . i lead the life of an owl . you stripped me of the greater part of all i ever had , said my aunt . you closed my heart against the whole world , years and years . you treated me falsely , ungratefully , and cruelly . go , and repent of it . dont add new injuries to the long , list of injuries you have done me . aye . he returned . its all very fine  . i must do the best i can , for the present , i suppose . in spite of himself , he appeared abashed by my aunts indignant tears , and came slouching out of the garden . taking two or three quick steps , as if i had just come up , i met him at the gate , and went in as he came out . we eyed one another narrowly in passing , and with no favour . aunt , said i , hurriedly . this man alarming you again . let me speak to him . who is he . child , returned my aunt , taking my arm , come in , and dont speak to me for ten minutes . we sat down in her little parlour . my aunt retired behind the round green fan of former days , which was screwed on the back of a chair , and occasionally wiped her eyes , for about a quarter of an hour . then she came out , and took a seat beside me . trot , said my aunt , calmly , its my husband . your husband , aunt . i thought he had been dead . dead to me , returned my aunt , but living . i sat in silent amazement . betsey trotwood dont look a likely subject for the tender passion , said my aunt , composedly , but the time was , trot , when she believed in that man most entirely . when she loved him , trot , right well . when there was no proof of attachment and affection that she would not have given him . he repaid her by breaking her fortune , and nearly breaking her heart . so she put all that sort of sentiment , once and for ever , in a grave , and filled it up , and flattened it down . my dear , good aunt . i left him , my aunt proceeded , laying her hand as usual on the back of mine , generously . i may say at this distance of time , trot , that i left him generously . he had been so cruel to me , that i might have effected a separation on easy terms for myself but i did not . he soon made ducks and drakes of what i gave him , sank lower and lower , married another woman , i believe , became an adventurer , a gambler , and a cheat . what he is now , you see . but he was a fine looking man when i married him , said my aunt , with an echo of her old pride and admiration in her tone and i believed him  was a fool . be the soul of honour . she gave my hand a squeeze , and shook her head . he is nothing to me now , trot  than nothing . but , sooner than have him punished for his offences as he would be if he prowled about in this country , i give him more money than i can afford , at intervals when he reappears , to go away . i was a fool when i married him and i am so far an incurable fool on that subject , that , for the sake of what i once believed him to be , i wouldnt have even this shadow of my idle fancy hardly dealt with . for i was in earnest , trot , if ever a woman was . my aunt dismissed the matter with a heavy sigh , and smoothed her dress . there , my dear . she said . now you know the beginning , middle , and end , and all about it . we wont mention the subject to one another any more neither , of course , will you mention it to anybody else . this is my grumpy , frumpy story , and well keep it to ourselves , trot . chapter . domestic i laboured hard at my book , without allowing it to interfere with the punctual discharge of my newspaper duties and it came out and was very successful . i was not stunned by the praise which sounded in my ears , notwithstanding that i was keenly alive to it , and thought better of my own performance , i have little doubt , than anybody else did . it has always been in my observation of human nature , that a man who has any good reason to believe in himself never flourishes himself before the faces of other people in order that they may believe in him . for this reason , i retained my modesty in very self respect and the more praise i got , the more i tried to deserve . it is not my purpose , in this record , though in all other essentials it is my written memory , to pursue the history of my own fictions . they express themselves , and i leave them to themselves . when i refer to them , incidentally , it is only as a part of my progress . having some foundation for believing , by this time , that nature and accident had made me an author , i pursued my vocation with confidence . without such assurance i should certainly have left it alone , and bestowed my energy on some other endeavour . i should have tried to find out what nature and accident really had made me , and to be that , and nothing else . i had been writing , in the newspaper and elsewhere , so prosperously , that when my new success was achieved , i considered myself reasonably entitled to escape from the dreary debates . one joyful night , therefore , i noted down the music of the parliamentary bagpipes for the last time , and i have never heard it since though i still recognize the old drone in the newspapers , without any substantial variation except , perhaps , that there is more of it , all the livelong session . i now write of the time when i had been married , i suppose , about a year and a half . after several varieties of experiment , we had given up the housekeeping as a bad job . the house kept itself , and we kept a page . the principal function of this retainer was to quarrel with the cook in which respect he was a perfect whittington , without his cat , or the remotest chance of being made lord mayor . he appears to me to have lived in a hail of saucepan lids . his whole existence was a scuffle . he would shriek for help on the most improper occasions  , when we had a little dinner party, , or a few friends in the evening  , would come tumbling out of the kitchen , with iron missiles flying after him . we wanted to get rid of him , but he was very much attached to us , and wouldnt go . he was a tearful boy , and broke into such deplorable lamentations , when a cessation of our connexion was hinted at , that we were obliged to keep him . he had no mother  anything in the way of a relative , that i could discover , except a sister , who fled to america the moment we had taken him off her hands and he became quartered on us like a horrible young changeling . he had a lively perception of his own unfortunate state , and was always rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket , or stooping to blow his nose on the extreme corner of a little pocket handkerchief, , which he never would take completely out of his pocket , but always economized and secreted . this unlucky page , engaged in an evil hour at six pounds ten per annum , was a source of continual trouble to me . i watched him as he grew  he grew like scarlet beans  painful apprehensions of the time when he would begin to shave even of the days when he would be bald or grey . i saw no prospect of ever getting rid of him and , projecting myself into the future , used to think what an inconvenience he would be when he was an old man . i never expected anything less , than this unfortunates manner of getting me out of my difficulty . he stole doras watch , which , like everything else belonging to us , had no particular place of its own and , converting it into money , spent the produce he was always a weak minded boy in incessantly riding up and down between london and uxbridge outside the coach . he was taken to bow street , as well as i remember , on the completion of his fifteenth journey when four and , and a second hand fife which he couldnt play , were found upon his person . the surprise and its consequences would have been much less disagreeable to me if he had not been penitent . but he was very penitent indeed , and in a peculiar way  in the lump , but by instalments . for example the day after that on which i was obliged to appear against him , he made certain revelations touching a hamper in the cellar , which we believed to be full of wine , but which had nothing in it except bottles and corks . we supposed he had now eased his mind , and told the worst he knew of the cook but , a day or two afterwards , his conscience sustained a new twinge , and he disclosed how she had a little girl , who , early every morning , took away our bread and also how he himself had been suborned to maintain the milkman in coals . in two or three days more , i was informed by the authorities of his having led to the discovery of sirloins of beef among the kitchen stuff, , and sheets in the rag bag . a little while afterwards , he broke out in an entirely new direction , and confessed to a knowledge of burglarious intentions as to our premises , on the part of the pot boy, , who was immediately taken up . i got to be so ashamed of being such a victim , that i would have given him any money to hold his tongue , or would have offered a round bribe for his being permitted to run away . it was an aggravating circumstance in the case that he had no idea of this , but conceived that he was making me amends in every new discovery not to say , heaping obligations on my head . at last i ran away myself , whenever i saw an emissary of the police approaching with some new intelligence and lived a stealthy life until he was tried and ordered to be transported . even then he couldnt be quiet , but was always writing us letters and wanted so much to see dora before he went away , that dora went to visit him , and fainted when she found herself inside the iron bars . in short , i had no peace of my life until he was expatriated , and made a shepherd of , up the country somewhere i have no geographical idea where . all this led me into some serious reflections , and presented our mistakes in a new aspect as i could not help communicating to dora one evening , in spite of my tenderness for her . my love , said i , it is very painful to me to think that our want of system and management , involves not only ourselves which we have got used to , but other people . you have been silent for a long time , and now you are going to be cross . said dora . no , my dear , indeed . let me explain to you what i mean . i think i dont want to know , said dora . but i want you to know , my love . put jip down . dora put his nose to mine , and said boh . to drive my seriousness away but , not succeeding , ordered him into his pagoda , and sat looking at me , with her hands folded , and a most resigned little expression of countenance . the fact is , my dear , i began , there is contagion in us . we infect everyone about us . i might have gone on in this figurative manner , if doras face had not admonished me that she was wondering with all her might whether i was going to propose any new kind of vaccination , or other medical remedy , for this unwholesome state of ours . therefore i checked myself , and made my meaning plainer . it is not merely , my pet , said i , that we lose money and comfort , and even temper sometimes , by not learning to be more careful but that we incur the serious responsibility of spoiling everyone who comes into our service , or has any dealings with us . i begin to be afraid that the fault is not entirely on one side , but that these people all turn out ill because we dont turn out very well ourselves . oh , what an accusation , exclaimed dora , opening her eyes wide to say that you ever saw me take gold watches . oh . my dearest , i remonstrated , dont talk preposterous nonsense . who has made the least allusion to gold watches . you did , returned dora . you know you did . you said i hadnt turned out well , and compared me to him . to whom . i asked . to the page , sobbed dora . oh , you cruel fellow , to compare your affectionate wife to a transported page . why didnt you tell me your opinion of me before we were married . why didnt you say , you hard hearted thing , that you were convinced i was worse than a transported page . oh , what a dreadful opinion to have of me . oh , my goodness . now , dora , my love , i returned , gently trying to remove the handkerchief she pressed to her eyes , this is not only very ridiculous of you , but very wrong . in the first place , its not true . you always said he was a story teller, , sobbed dora . and now you say the same of me . oh , what shall i do . what shall i do . my darling girl , i retorted , i really must entreat you to be reasonable , and listen to what i did say , and do say . my dear dora , unless we learn to do our duty to those whom we employ , they will never learn to do their duty to us . i am afraid we present opportunities to people to do wrong , that never ought to be presented . even if we were as lax as we are , in all our arrangements , by choice  we are not  if we liked it , and found it agreeable to be so  we dont  am persuaded we should have no right to go on in this way . we are positively corrupting people . we are bound to think of that . i cant help thinking of it , dora . it is a reflection i am unable to dismiss , and it sometimes makes me very uneasy . there , dear , thats all . come now . dont be foolish . dora would not allow me , for a long time , to remove the handkerchief . she sat sobbing and murmuring behind it , that , if i was uneasy , why had i ever been married . why hadnt i said , even the day before we went to church , that i knew i should be uneasy , and i would rather not . if i couldnt bear her , why didnt i send her away to her aunts at putney , or to julia mills in india . julia would be glad to see her , and would not call her a transported page julia never had called her anything of the sort . in short , dora was so afflicted , and so afflicted me by being in that condition , that i felt it was of no use repeating this kind of effort , though never so mildly , and i must take some other course . what other course was left to take . to form her mind . this was a common phrase of words which had a fair and promising sound , and i resolved to form doras mind . i began immediately . when dora was very childish , and i would have infinitely preferred to humour her , i tried to be grave  disconcerted her , and myself too . i talked to her on the subjects which occupied my thoughts and i read shakespeare to her  fatigued her to the last degree . i accustomed myself to giving her , as it were quite casually , little scraps of useful information , or sound opinion  she started from them when i let them off , as if they had been crackers . no matter how incidentally or naturally i endeavoured to form my little wifes mind , i could not help seeing that she always had an instinctive perception of what i was about , and became a prey to the keenest apprehensions . in particular , it was clear to me , that she thought shakespeare a terrible fellow . the formation went on very slowly . i pressed traddles into the service without his knowledge and whenever he came to see us , exploded my mines upon him for the edification of dora at second hand . the amount of practical wisdom i bestowed upon traddles in this manner was immense , and of the best quality but it had no other effect upon dora than to depress her spirits , and make her always nervous with the dread that it would be her turn next . i found myself in the condition of a schoolmaster , a trap , a pitfall of always playing spider to doras fly , and always pouncing out of my hole to her infinite disturbance . still , looking forward through this intermediate stage , to the time when there should be a perfect sympathy between dora and me , and when i should have formed her mind to my entire satisfaction , i persevered , even for months . finding at last , however , that , although i had been all this time a very porcupine or hedgehog , bristling all over with determination , i had effected nothing , it began to occur to me that perhaps doras mind was already formed . on further consideration this appeared so likely , that i abandoned my scheme , which had a more promising appearance in words than in action resolving henceforth to be satisfied with my child wife, , and to try to change her into nothing else by any process . i was heartily tired of being sagacious and prudent by myself , and of seeing my darling under restraint so i bought a pretty pair of ear rings for her , and a collar for jip , and went home one day to make myself agreeable . dora was delighted with the little presents , and kissed me joyfully but there was a shadow between us , however slight , and i had made up my mind that it should not be there . if there must be such a shadow anywhere , i would keep it for the future in my own breast . i sat down by my wife on the sofa , and put the ear rings in her ears and then i told her that i feared we had not been quite as good company lately , as we used to be , and that the fault was mine . which i sincerely felt , and which indeed it was . the truth is , dora , my life , i said i have been trying to be wise . and to make me wise too , said dora , timidly . havent you , doady . i nodded assent to the pretty inquiry of the raised eyebrows , and kissed the parted lips . its of not a bit of use , said dora , shaking her head , until the ear rings rang again . you know what a little thing i am , and what i wanted you to call me from the first . if you cant do so , i am afraid youll never like me . are you sure you dont think , sometimes , it would have been better to have  done what , my dear . for she made no effort to proceed . nothing . said dora . nothing . i repeated . she put her arms round my neck , and laughed , and called herself by her favourite name of a goose , and hid her face on my shoulder in such a profusion of curls that it was quite a task to clear them away and see it . dont i think it would have been better to have done nothing , than to have tried to form my little wifes mind . said i , laughing at myself . is that the question . yes , indeed , i do . is that what you have been trying . cried dora . oh what a shocking boy . but i shall never try any more , said i . for i love her dearly as she is . without a story  . inquired dora , creeping closer to me . why should i seek to change , said i , what has been so precious to me for so long . you never can show better than as your own natural self , my sweet dora and well try no conceited experiments , but go back to our old way , and be happy . and be happy . returned dora . yes . all day . and you wont mind things going a tiny morsel wrong , sometimes . no , said i . we must do the best we can . and you wont tell me , any more , that we make other people bad , coaxed dora will you . because you know its so dreadfully cross . no , said i . its better for me to be stupid than uncomfortable , isnt it . said dora . better to be naturally dora than anything else in the world . in the world . ah , doady , its a large place . she shook her head , turned her delighted bright eyes up to mine , kissed me , broke into a merry laugh , and sprang away to put on jips new collar . so ended my last attempt to make any change in dora . i had been unhappy in trying it i could not endure my own solitary wisdom i could not reconcile it with her former appeal to me as my child wife . i resolved to do what i could , in a quiet way , to improve our proceedings myself , but i foresaw that my utmost would be very little , or i must degenerate into the spider again , and be for ever lying in wait . and the shadow i have mentioned , that was not to be between us any more , but was to rest wholly on my own heart . how did that fall . the old unhappy feeling pervaded my life . it was deepened , if it were changed at all but it was as undefined as ever , and addressed me like a strain of sorrowful music faintly heard in the night . i loved my wife dearly , and i was happy but the happiness i had vaguely anticipated , once , was not the happiness i enjoyed , and there was always something wanting . in fulfilment of the compact i have made with myself , to reflect my mind on this paper , i again examine it , closely , and bring its secrets to the light . what i missed , i still regarded  always regarded  something that had been a dream of my youthful fancy that was incapable of realization that i was now discovering to be so , with some natural pain , as all men did . but that it would have been better for me if my wife could have helped me more , and shared the many thoughts in which i had no partner and that this might have been i knew . between these two irreconcilable conclusions the one , that what i felt was general and unavoidable the other , that it was particular to me , and might have been different i balanced curiously , with no distinct sense of their opposition to each other . when i thought of the airy dreams of youth that are incapable of realization , i thought of the better state preceding manhood that i had outgrown and then the contented days with agnes , in the dear old house , arose before me , like spectres of the dead , that might have some renewal in another world , but never more could be reanimated here . sometimes , the speculation came into my thoughts , what might have happened , or what would have happened , if dora and i had never known each other . but she was so incorporated with my existence , that it was the idlest of all fancies , and would soon rise out of my reach and sight , like gossamer floating in the air . i always loved her . what i am describing , slumbered , and half awoke , and slept again , in the innermost recesses of my mind . there was no evidence of it in me i know of no influence it had in anything i said or did . i bore the weight of all our little cares , and all my projects dora held the pens and we both felt that our shares were adjusted as the case required . she was truly fond of me , and proud of me and when agnes wrote a few earnest words in her letters to dora , of the pride and interest with which my old friends heard of my growing reputation , and read my book as if they heard me speaking its contents , dora read them out to me with tears of joy in her bright eyes , and said i was a dear old clever , famous boy . the first mistaken impulse of an undisciplined heart . those words of mrs . strongs were constantly recurring to me , at this time were almost always present to my mind . i awoke with them , often , in the night i remember to have even read them , in dreams , inscribed upon the walls of houses . for i knew , now , that my own heart was undisciplined when it first loved dora and that if it had been disciplined , it never could have felt , when we were married , what it had felt in its secret experience . there can be no disparity in marriage , like unsuitability of mind and purpose . those words i remembered too . i had endeavoured to adapt dora to myself , and found it impracticable . it remained for me to adapt myself to dora to share with her what i could , and be happy to bear on my own shoulders what i must , and be happy still . this was the discipline to which i tried to bring my heart , when i began to think . it made my second year much happier than my first and , what was better still , made doras life all sunshine . but , as that year wore on , dora was not strong . i had hoped that lighter hands than mine would help to mould her character , and that a baby smile upon her breast might change my child wife to a woman . it was not to be . the spirit fluttered for a moment on the threshold of its little prison , and , unconscious of captivity , took wing . when i can run about again , as i used to do , aunt , said dora , i shall make jip race . he is getting quite slow and lazy . i suspect , my dear , said my aunt quietly working by her side , he has a worse disorder than that . age , dora . do you think he is old . said dora , astonished . oh , how strange it seems that jip should be old . its a complaint we are all liable to , little one , as we get on in life , said my aunt , cheerfully i dont feel more free from it than i used to be , i assure you . but jip , said dora , looking at him with compassion , even little jip . oh , poor fellow . i dare say hell last a long time yet , blossom , said my aunt , patting dora on the cheek , as she leaned out of her couch to look at jip , who responded by standing on his hind legs , and baulking himself in various asthmatic attempts to scramble up by the head and shoulders . he must have a piece of flannel in his house this winter , and i shouldnt wonder if he came out quite fresh again , with the flowers in the spring . bless the little dog . exclaimed my aunt , if he had as many lives as a cat , and was on the point of losing em all , hed bark at me with his last breath , i believe . dora had helped him up on the sofa where he really was defying my aunt to such a furious extent , that he couldnt keep straight , but barked himself sideways . the more my aunt looked at him , the more he reproached her for she had lately taken to spectacles , and for some inscrutable reason he considered the glasses personal . dora made him lie down by her , with a good deal of persuasion and when he was quiet , drew one of his long ears through and through her hand , repeating thoughtfully , even little jip . oh , poor fellow . his lungs are good enough , said my aunt , gaily , and his dislikes are not at all feeble . he has a good many years before him , no doubt . but if you want a dog to race with , little blossom , he has lived too well for that , and ill give you one . thank you , aunt , said dora , faintly . but dont , please . no . said my aunt , taking off her spectacles . i couldnt have any other dog but jip , said dora . it would be so unkind to jip . besides , i couldnt be such friends with any other dog but jip because he wouldnt have known me before i was married , and wouldnt have barked at doady when he first came to our house . i couldnt care for any other dog but jip , i am afraid , aunt . to be sure . said my aunt , patting her cheek again . you are right . you are not offended , said dora . are you . why , what a sensitive pet it is . cried my aunt , bending over her affectionately . to think that i could be offended . no , i didnt really think so , returned dora but i am a little tired , and it made me silly for a moment  am always a silly little thing , you know , but it made me more silly  talk about jip . he has known me in all that has happened to me , havent you , jip . and i couldnt bear to slight him , because he was a little altered  i , jip . jip nestled closer to his mistress , and lazily licked her hand . you are not so old , jip , are you , that youll leave your mistress yet . said dora . we may keep one another company a little longer . my pretty dora . when she came down to dinner on the ensuing sunday , and was so glad to see old traddles we thought she would be running about as she used to do , in a few days . but they said , wait a few days more and then , wait a few days more and still she neither ran nor walked . she looked very pretty , and was very merry but the little feet that used to be so nimble when they danced round jip , were dull and motionless . i began to carry her downstairs every morning , and upstairs every night . she would clasp me round the neck and laugh , the while , as if i did it for a wager . jip would bark and caper round us , and go on before , and look back on the landing , breathing short , to see that we were coming . my aunt , the best and most cheerful of nurses , would trudge after us , a moving mass of shawls and pillows . mr . dick would not have relinquished his post of candle bearer to anyone alive . traddles would be often at the bottom of the staircase , looking on , and taking charge of sportive messages from dora to the dearest girl in the world . we made quite a gay procession of it , and my child wife was the gayest there . but , sometimes , when i took her up , and felt that she was lighter in my arms , a dead blank feeling came upon me , as if i were approaching to some frozen region yet unseen , that numbed my life . i avoided the recognition of this feeling by any name , or by any communing with myself until one night , when it was very strong upon me , and my aunt had left her with a parting cry of good night , little blossom , i sat down at my desk alone , and tried to think , oh what a fatal name it was , and how the blossom withered in its bloom upon the tree . chapter . i am involved in mystery i received one morning by the post , the following letter , dated canterbury , and addressed to me at doctors commons which i read with some surprise my dear sir , circumstances beyond my individual control have , for a considerable lapse of time , effected a severance of that intimacy which , in the limited opportunities conceded to me in the midst of my professional duties , of contemplating the scenes and events of the past , tinged by the prismatic hues of memory , has ever afforded me , as it ever must continue to afford , gratifying emotions of no common description . this fact , my dear sir , combined with the distinguished elevation to which your talents have raised you , deters me from presuming to aspire to the liberty of addressing the companion of my youth , by the familiar appellation of copperfield . it is sufficient to know that the name to which i do myself the honour to refer , will ever be treasured among the muniments of our house i allude to the archives connected with our former lodgers , preserved by mrs . micawber , with sentiments of personal esteem amounting to affection . it is not for one , situated , through his original errors and a fortuitous combination of unpropitious events , as is the foundered bark who now takes up the pen to address you  is not , i repeat , for one so circumstanced , to adopt the language of compliment , or of congratulation . that he leaves to abler and to purer hands . if your more important avocations should admit of your ever tracing these imperfect characters thus far  may be , or may not be , as circumstances arise  will naturally inquire by what object am i influenced , then , in inditing the present missive . allow me to say that i fully defer to the reasonable character of that inquiry , and proceed to develop it premising that it is not an object of a pecuniary nature . without more directly referring to any latent ability that may possibly exist on my part , of wielding the thunderbolt , or directing the devouring and avenging flame in any quarter , i may be permitted to observe , in passing , that my brightest visions are for ever dispelled  my peace is shattered and my power of enjoyment destroyed  my heart is no longer in the right place  that i no more walk erect before my fellow man . the canker is in the flower . the cup is bitter to the brim . the worm is at his work , and will soon dispose of his victim . the sooner the better . but i will not digress . placed in a mental position of peculiar painfulness , beyond the assuaging reach even of mrs . micawbers influence , though exercised in the tripartite character of woman , wife , and mother , it is my intention to fly from myself for a short period , and devote a respite of eight and hours to revisiting some metropolitan scenes of past enjoyment . among other havens of domestic tranquillity and peace of mind , my feet will naturally tend towards the kings bench prison . in stating that i shall be on the outside of the south wall of that place of incarceration on civil process , the day after tomorrow , at seven in the evening , precisely , my object in this epistolary communication is accomplished . i do not feel warranted in soliciting my former friend mr . copperfield , or my former friend mr . thomas traddles of the inner temple , if that gentleman is still existent and forthcoming , to condescend to meet me , and renew our past relations of the olden time . i confine myself to throwing out the observation , that , at the hour and place i have indicated , may be found such ruined vestiges as yet remain , of a fallen tower , wilkins micawber . p . s . it may be advisable to superadd to the above , the statement that mrs . micawber is not in confidential possession of my intentions . i read the letter over several times . making due allowance for mr . micawbers lofty style of composition , and for the extraordinary relish with which he sat down and wrote long letters on all possible and impossible occasions , i still believed that something important lay hidden at the bottom of this roundabout communication . i put it down , to think about it and took it up again , to read it once more and was still pursuing it , when traddles found me in the height of my perplexity . my dear fellow , said i , never was better pleased to see you . you come to give me the benefit of your sober judgement at a most opportune time . i have received a very singular letter , traddles , from mr . micawber . no . cried traddles . you dont say so . and i have received one from mrs . micawber . with that , traddles , who was flushed with walking , and whose hair , under the combined effects of exercise and excitement , stood on end as if he saw a cheerful ghost , produced his letter and made an exchange with me . i watched him into the heart of mr . micawbers letter , and returned the elevation of eyebrows with which he said wielding the thunderbolt , or directing the devouring and avenging flame . bless me , copperfield . then entered on the perusal of mrs . micawbers epistle . it ran thus my best regards to mr . thomas traddles , and if he should still remember one who formerly had the happiness of being well acquainted with him , may i beg a few moments of his leisure time . i assure mr . t . t . that i would not intrude upon his kindness , were i in any other position than on the confines of distraction . though harrowing to myself to mention , the alienation of mr . micawber from his wife and family , is the cause of my addressing my unhappy appeal to mr . traddles , and soliciting his best indulgence . mr . t . can form no adequate idea of the change in mr . micawbers conduct , of his wildness , of his violence . it has gradually augmented , until it assumes the appearance of aberration of intellect . scarcely a day passes , i assure mr . traddles , on which some paroxysm does not take place . mr . t . will not require me to depict my feelings , when i inform him that i have become accustomed to hear mr . micawber assert that he has sold himself to the d . mystery and secrecy have long been his principal characteristic , have long replaced unlimited confidence . the slightest provocation , even being asked if there is anything he would prefer for dinner , causes him to express a wish for a separation . last night , on being childishly solicited for twopence , to buy lemon stunners local sweetmeat  presented an oyster knife at the twins . i entreat mr . traddles to bear with me in entering into these details . without them , mr . t . would indeed find it difficult to form the faintest conception of my heart rending situation . may i now venture to confide to mr . t . the purport of my letter . will he now allow me to throw myself on his friendly consideration . oh yes , for i know his heart . the quick eye of affection is not easily blinded , when of the female sex . mr . micawber is going to london . though he studiously concealed his hand , this morning before breakfast , in writing the direction card which he attached to the little brown valise of happier days , the eagle glance of matrimonial anxiety detected , d , o , n , distinctly traced . the west end destination of the coach , is the golden cross . dare i fervently implore mr . t . to see my misguided husband , and to reason with him . dare i ask mr . t . to endeavour to step in between mr . micawber and his agonized family . oh no , for that would be too much . if mr . copperfield should yet remember one unknown to fame , will mr . t . take charge of my unalterable regards and similar entreaties . in any case , he will have the benevolence to consider this communication strictly private , and on no account whatever to be alluded to , however distantly , in the presence of mr . micawber . if mr . t . should ever reply to it a letter addressed to m . e . post office , canterbury , will be fraught with less painful consequences than any addressed immediately to one , who subscribes herself , in extreme distress , mr . thomas traddless respectful friend and suppliant , emma micawber . what do you think of that letter . said traddles , casting his eyes upon me , when i had read it twice . what do you think of the other . said i . for he was still reading it with knitted brows . i think that the two together , copperfield , replied traddles , mean more than mr . and mrs . micawber usually mean in their correspondence  i dont know what . they are both written in good faith , i have no doubt , and without any collusion . poor thing . he was now alluding to mrs . micawbers letter , and we were standing side by side comparing the two it will be a charity to write to her , at all events , and tell her that we will not fail to see mr . micawber . i acceded to this the more readily , because i now reproached myself with having treated her former letter rather lightly . it had set me thinking a good deal at the time , as i have mentioned in its place but my absorption in my own affairs , my experience of the family , and my hearing nothing more , had gradually ended in my dismissing the subject . i had often thought of the micawbers , but chiefly to wonder what pecuniary liabilities they were establishing in canterbury , and to recall how shy mr . micawber was of me when he became clerk to uriah heep . however , i now wrote a comforting letter to mrs . micawber , in our joint names , and we both signed it . as we walked into town to post it , traddles and i held a long conference , and launched into a number of speculations , which i need not repeat . we took my aunt into our counsels in the afternoon but our only decided conclusion was , that we would be very punctual in keeping mr . micawbers appointment . although we appeared at the stipulated place a quarter of an hour before the time , we found mr . micawber already there . he was standing with his arms folded , over against the wall , looking at the spikes on the top , with a sentimental expression , as if they were the interlacing boughs of trees that had shaded him in his youth . when we accosted him , his manner was something more confused , and something less genteel , than of yore . he had relinquished his legal suit of black for the purposes of this excursion , and wore the old surtout and tights , but not quite with the old air . he gradually picked up more and more of it as we conversed with him but , his very eye glass seemed to hang less easily , and his shirt collar, , though still of the old formidable dimensions , rather drooped . gentlemen . said mr . micawber , after the first salutations , you are friends in need , and friends indeed . allow me to offer my inquiries with reference to the physical welfare of mrs . copperfield in esse , and mrs . traddles in posse  , that is to say , that my friend mr . traddles is not yet united to the object of his affections , for weal and for woe . we acknowledged his politeness , and made suitable replies . he then directed our attention to the wall , and was beginning , i assure you , gentlemen , when i ventured to object to that ceremonious form of address , and to beg that he would speak to us in the old way . my dear copperfield , he returned , pressing my hand , your cordiality overpowers me . this reception of a shattered fragment of the temple once called man  i may be permitted so to express myself  a heart that is an honour to our common nature . i was about to observe that i again behold the serene spot where some of the happiest hours of my existence fleeted by . made so , i am sure , by mrs . micawber , said i . i hope she is well . thank you , returned mr . micawber , whose face clouded at this reference , she is but so so . and this , said mr . micawber , nodding his head sorrowfully , is the bench . where , for the first time in many revolving years , the overwhelming pressure of pecuniary liabilities was not proclaimed , from day to day , by importune voices declining to vacate the passage where there was no knocker on the door for any creditor to appeal to where personal service of process was not required , and detainees were merely lodged at the gate . gentlemen , said mr . micawber , when the shadow of that iron work on the summit of the brick structure has been reflected on the gravel of the parade , i have seen my children thread the mazes of the intricate pattern , avoiding the dark marks . i have been familiar with every stone in the place . if i betray weakness , you will know how to excuse me . we have all got on in life since then , mr . micawber , said i . mr . copperfield , returned mr . micawber , bitterly , when i was an inmate of that retreat i could look my fellow man in the face , and punch his head if he offended me . my fellow man and myself are no longer on those glorious terms . turning from the building in a downcast manner , mr . micawber accepted my proffered arm on one side , and the proffered arm of traddles on the other , and walked away between us . there are some landmarks , observed mr . micawber , looking fondly back over his shoulder , on the road to the tomb , which , but for the impiety of the aspiration , a man would wish never to have passed . such is the bench in my chequered career . oh , you are in low spirits , mr . micawber , said traddles . i am , sir , interposed mr . micawber . i hope , said traddles , it is not because you have conceived a dislike to the law  i am a lawyer myself , you know . mr . micawber answered not a word . how is our friend heep , mr . micawber . said i , after a silence . my dear copperfield , returned mr . micawber , bursting into a state of much excitement , and turning pale , if you ask after my employer as your friend , i am sorry for it if you ask after him as my friend , i sardonically smile at it . in whatever capacity you ask after my employer , i beg , without offence to you , to limit my reply to this  whatever his state of health may be , his appearance is foxy not to say diabolical . you will allow me , as a private individual , to decline pursuing a subject which has lashed me to the utmost verge of desperation in my professional capacity . i expressed my regret for having innocently touched upon a theme that roused him so much . may i ask , said i , without any hazard of repeating the mistake , how my old friends mr . and miss wickfield are . miss wickfield , said mr . micawber , now turning red , is , as she always is , a pattern , and a bright example . my dear copperfield , she is the only starry spot in a miserable existence . my respect for that young lady , my admiration of her character , my devotion to her for her love and truth , and goodness . me , said mr . micawber , down a turning , for , upon my soul , in my present state of mind i am not equal to this . we wheeled him off into a narrow street , where he took out his pocket handkerchief, , and stood with his back to a wall . if i looked as gravely at him as traddles did , he must have found our company by no means inspiriting . it is my fate , said mr . micawber , unfeignedly sobbing , but doing even that , with a shadow of the old expression of doing something genteel it is my fate , gentlemen , that the finer feelings of our nature have become reproaches to me . my homage to miss wickfield , is a flight of arrows in my bosom . you had better leave me , if you please , to walk the earth as a vagabond . the worm will settle my business in double quick time . without attending to this invocation , we stood by , until he put up his pocket handkerchief, , pulled up his shirt collar, , and , to delude any person in the neighbourhood who might have been observing him , hummed a tune with his hat very much on one side . i then mentioned  knowing what might be lost if we lost sight of him yet  it would give me great pleasure to introduce him to my aunt , if he would ride out to highgate , where a bed was at his service . you shall make us a glass of your own punch , mr . micawber , said i , and forget whatever you have on your mind , in pleasanter reminiscences . or , if confiding anything to friends will be more likely to relieve you , shall impart it to us , mr . micawber , said traddles , prudently . gentlemen , returned mr . micawber , do with me as you will . i am a straw upon the surface of the deep , and am tossed in all directions by the elephants  beg your pardon i should have said the elements . we walked on , arm in , again found the coach in the act of starting and arrived at highgate without encountering any difficulties by the way . i was very uneasy and very uncertain in my mind what to say or do for the best  was traddles , evidently . mr . micawber was for the most part plunged into deep gloom . he occasionally made an attempt to smarten himself , and hum the fag end of a tune but his relapses into profound melancholy were only made the more impressive by the mockery of a hat exceedingly on one side , and a shirt collar pulled up to his eyes . we went to my aunts house rather than to mine , because of doras not being well . my aunt presented herself on being sent for , and welcomed mr . micawber with gracious cordiality . mr . micawber kissed her hand , retired to the window , and pulling out his pocket handkerchief, , had a mental wrestle with himself . mr . dick was at home . he was by nature so exceedingly compassionate of anyone who seemed to be ill at ease , and was so quick to find any such person out , that he shook hands with mr . micawber , at least half a times in five minutes . to mr . micawber , in his trouble , this warmth , on the part of a stranger , was so extremely touching , that he could only say , on the occasion of each successive shake , my dear sir , you overpower me . which gratified mr . dick so much , that he went at it again with greater vigour than before . the friendliness of this gentleman , said mr . micawber to my aunt , if you will allow me , maam , to cull a figure of speech from the vocabulary of our coarser national sports  me . to a man who is struggling with a complicated burden of perplexity and disquiet , such a reception is trying , i assure you . my friend mr . dick , replied my aunt proudly , is not a common man . that i am convinced of , said mr . micawber . my dear sir . for mr . dick was shaking hands with him again i am deeply sensible of your cordiality . how do you find yourself . said mr . dick , with an anxious look . indifferent , my dear sir , returned mr . micawber , sighing . you must keep up your spirits , said mr . dick , and make yourself as comfortable as possible . mr . micawber was quite overcome by these friendly words , and by finding mr . dicks hand again within his own . it has been my lot , he observed , to meet , in the diversified panorama of human existence , with an occasional oasis , but never with one so green , so gushing , as the present . at another time i should have been amused by this but i felt that we were all constrained and uneasy , and i watched mr . micawber so anxiously , in his vacillations between an evident disposition to reveal something , and a counter disposition to reveal nothing , that i was in a perfect fever . traddles , sitting on the edge of his chair , with his eyes wide open , and his hair more emphatically erect than ever , stared by turns at the ground and at mr . micawber , without so much as attempting to put in a word . my aunt , though i saw that her shrewdest observation was concentrated on her new guest , had more useful possession of her wits than either of us for she held him in conversation , and made it necessary for him to talk , whether he liked it or not . you are a very old friend of my nephews , mr . micawber , said my aunt . i wish i had the pleasure of seeing you before . madam , returned mr . micawber , i wish i had the honour of knowing you at an earlier period . i was not always the wreck you at present behold . i hope mrs . micawber and your family are well , sir , said my aunt . mr . micawber inclined his head . they are as well , maam , he desperately observed after a pause , as aliens and outcasts can ever hope to be . lord bless you , sir . exclaimed my aunt , in her abrupt way . what are you talking about . the subsistence of my family , maam , returned mr . micawber , trembles in the balance . my employer  here mr . micawber provokingly left off and began to peel the lemons that had been under my directions set before him , together with all the other appliances he used in making punch . your employer , you know , said mr . dick , jogging his arm as a gentle reminder . my good sir , returned mr . micawber , you recall me , i am obliged to you . they shook hands again . my employer , maam  . heep  did me the favour to observe to me , that if i were not in the receipt of the stipendiary emoluments appertaining to my engagement with him , i should probably be a mountebank about the country , swallowing a sword blade, , and eating the devouring element . for anything that i can perceive to the contrary , it is still probable that my children may be reduced to seek a livelihood by personal contortion , while mrs . micawber abets their unnatural feats by playing the barrel organ . mr . micawber , with a random but expressive flourish of his knife , signified that these performances might be expected to take place after he was no more then resumed his peeling with a desperate air . my aunt leaned her elbow on the little round table that she usually kept beside her , and eyed him attentively . notwithstanding the aversion with which i regarded the idea of entrapping him into any disclosure he was not prepared to make voluntarily , i should have taken him up at this point , but for the strange proceedings in which i saw him engaged whereof his putting the lemon peel into the kettle , the sugar into the snuffer tray, , the spirit into the empty jug , and confidently attempting to pour boiling water out of a candlestick , were among the most remarkable . i saw that a crisis was at hand , and it came . he clattered all his means and implements together , rose from his chair , pulled out his pocket handkerchief, , and burst into tears . my dear copperfield , said mr . micawber , behind his handkerchief , this is an occupation , of all others , requiring an untroubled mind , and self respect . i cannot perform it . it is out of the question . mr . micawber , said i , what is the matter . pray speak out . you are among friends . among friends , sir . repeated mr . micawber and all he had reserved came breaking out of him . good heavens , it is principally because i am among friends that my state of mind is what it is . what is the matter , gentlemen . what is not the matter . villainy is the matter baseness is the matter deception , fraud , conspiracy , are the matter and the name of the whole atrocious mass is  . my aunt clapped her hands , and we all started up as if we were possessed . the struggle is over . said mr . micawber violently gesticulating with his pocket handkerchief, , and fairly striking out from time to time with both arms , as if he were swimming under superhuman difficulties . i will lead this life no longer . i am a wretched being , cut off from everything that makes life tolerable . i have been under a taboo in that infernal scoundrels service . give me back my wife , give me back my family , substitute micawber for the petty wretch who walks about in the boots at present on my feet , and call upon me to swallow a sword tomorrow , and ill do it . with an appetite . i never saw a man so hot in my life . i tried to calm him , that we might come to something rational but he got hotter and hotter , and wouldnt hear a word . ill put my hand in no mans hand , said mr . micawber , gasping , puffing , and sobbing , to that degree that he was like a man fighting with cold water , until i have  to fragments  . ill partake of no ones hospitality , until i have  mount vesuvius  eruption  abandoned rascal  . refreshment  this roof  punch  me  had  the eyes  of the head  cheat , and liar  . i  know nobody  nothing  nowhere  i have crushed  atoms  and immortal hypocrite and perjurer  . i really had some fear of mr . micawbers dying on the spot . the manner in which he struggled through these inarticulate sentences , and , whenever he found himself getting near the name of heep , fought his way on to it , dashed at it in a fainting state , and brought it out with a vehemence little less than marvellous , was frightful but now , when he sank into a chair , steaming , and looked at us , with every possible colour in his face that had no business there , and an endless procession of lumps following one another in hot haste up his throat , whence they seemed to shoot into his forehead , he had the appearance of being in the last extremity . i would have gone to his assistance , but he waved me off , and wouldnt hear a word . no , copperfield . communication  wickfield  from wrongs inflicted by consummate scoundrel  . i am quite convinced he could not have uttered three words , but for the amazing energy with which this word inspired him when he felt it coming . inviolable secret  the whole world  exceptions  day week  breakfast time present  aunt  extremely friendly gentleman  be at the hotel at canterbury  . micawber and myself  lang syne in chorus  expose intolerable ruffian  . no more to say  listen to persuasion  immediately  capable  society  the track of devoted and doomed traitor  . with this last repetition of the magic word that had kept him going at all , and in which he surpassed all his previous efforts , mr . micawber rushed out of the house leaving us in a state of excitement , hope , and wonder , that reduced us to a condition little better than his own . but even then his passion for writing letters was too strong to be resisted for while we were yet in the height of our excitement , hope , and wonder , the following pastoral note was brought to me from a neighbouring tavern , at which he had called to write it  most secret and confidential . my dear sir , i beg to be allowed to convey , through you , my apologies to your excellent aunt for my late excitement . an explosion of a smouldering volcano long suppressed , was the result of an internal contest more easily conceived than described . i trust i rendered tolerably intelligible my appointment for the morning of this day week , at the house of public entertainment at canterbury , where mrs . micawber and myself had once the honour of uniting our voices to yours , in the well known strain of the immortal exciseman nurtured beyond the tweed . the duty done , and act of reparation performed , which can alone enable me to contemplate my fellow mortal , i shall be known no more . i shall simply require to be deposited in that place of universal resort , where each in his narrow cell for ever laid , the rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep , the plain inscription , wilkins micawber . chapter . mr . peggottys dream comes true by this time , some months had passed since our interview on the bank of the river with martha . i had never seen her since , but she had communicated with mr . peggotty on several occasions . nothing had come of her zealous intervention nor could i infer , from what he told me , that any clue had been obtained , for a moment , to emilys fate . i confess that i began to despair of her recovery , and gradually to sink deeper and deeper into the belief that she was dead . his conviction remained unchanged . so far as i know  i believe his honest heart was transparent to me  never wavered again , in his solemn certainty of finding her . his patience never tired . and , although i trembled for the agony it might one day be to him to have his strong assurance shivered at a blow , there was something so religious in it , so affectingly expressive of its anchor being in the purest depths of his fine nature , that the respect and honour in which i held him were exalted every day . his was not a lazy trustfulness that hoped , and did no more . he had been a man of sturdy action all his life , and he knew that in all things wherein he wanted help he must do his own part faithfully , and help himself . i have known him set out in the night , on a misgiving that the light might not be , by some accident , in the window of the old boat , and walk to yarmouth . i have known him , on reading something in the newspaper that might apply to her , take up his stick , and go forth on a journey of three  four score miles . he made his way by sea to naples , and back , after hearing the narrative to which miss dartle had assisted me . all his journeys were ruggedly performed for he was always steadfast in a purpose of saving money for emilys sake , when she should be found . in all this long pursuit , i never heard him repine i never heard him say he was fatigued , or out of heart . dora had often seen him since our marriage , and was quite fond of him . i fancy his figure before me now , standing near her sofa , with his rough cap in his hand , and the blue eyes of my child wife raised , with a timid wonder , to his face . sometimes of an evening , about twilight , when he came to talk with me , i would induce him to smoke his pipe in the garden , as we slowly paced to and fro together and then , the picture of his deserted home , and the comfortable air it used to have in my childish eyes of an evening when the fire was burning , and the wind moaning round it , came most vividly into my mind . one evening , at this hour , he told me that he had found martha waiting near his lodging on the preceding night when he came out , and that she had asked him not to leave london on any account , until he should have seen her again . did she tell you why . i inquired . i asked her , masr davy , he replied , but it is but few words as she ever says , and she ony got my promise and so went away . did she say when you might expect to see her again . i demanded . no , masr davy , he returned , drawing his hand thoughtfully down his face . i asked that too but it was more than she could tell . as i had long forborne to encourage him with hopes that hung on threads , i made no other comment on this information than that i supposed he would see her soon . such speculations as it engendered within me i kept to myself , and those were faint enough . i was walking alone in the garden , one evening , about a fortnight afterwards . i remember that evening well . it was the second in mr . micawbers week of suspense . there had been rain all day , and there was a damp feeling in the air . the leaves were thick upon the trees , and heavy with wet but the rain had ceased , though the sky was still dark and the hopeful birds were singing cheerfully . as i walked to and fro in the garden , and the twilight began to close around me , their little voices were hushed and that peculiar silence which belongs to such an evening in the country when the lightest trees are quite still , save for the occasional droppings from their boughs , prevailed . there was a little green perspective of trellis work and ivy at the side of our cottage , through which i could see , from the garden where i was walking , into the road before the house . i happened to turn my eyes towards this place , as i was thinking of many things and i saw a figure beyond , dressed in a plain cloak . it was bending eagerly towards me , and beckoning . martha . said i , going to it . can you come with me . she inquired , in an agitated whisper . i have been to him , and he is not at home . i wrote down where he was to come , and left it on his table with my own hand . they said he would not be out long . i have tidings for him . can you come directly . my answer was , to pass out at the gate immediately . she made a hasty gesture with her hand , as if to entreat my patience and my silence , and turned towards london , whence , as her dress betokened , she had come expeditiously on foot . i asked her if that were not our destination . on her motioning yes , with the same hasty gesture as before , i stopped an empty coach that was coming by , and we got into it . when i asked her where the coachman was to drive , she answered , anywhere near golden square . and quick . shrunk into a corner , with one trembling hand before her face , and the other making the former gesture , as if she could not bear a voice . now much disturbed , and dazzled with conflicting gleams of hope and dread , i looked at her for some explanation . but seeing how strongly she desired to remain quiet , and feeling that it was my own natural inclination too , at such a time , i did not attempt to break the silence . we proceeded without a word being spoken . sometimes she glanced out of the window , as though she thought we were going slowly , though indeed we were going fast but otherwise remained exactly as at first . we alighted at one of the entrances to the square she had mentioned , where i directed the coach to wait , not knowing but that we might have some occasion for it . she laid her hand on my arm , and hurried me on to one of the sombre streets , of which there are several in that part , where the houses were once fair dwellings in the occupation of single families , but have , and had , long degenerated into poor lodgings let off in rooms . entering at the open door of one of these , and releasing my arm , she beckoned me to follow her up the common staircase , which was like a tributary channel to the street . the house swarmed with inmates . as we went up , doors of rooms were opened and peoples heads put out and we passed other people on the stairs , who were coming down . in glancing up from the outside , before we entered , i had seen women and children lolling at the windows over flower pots and we seemed to have attracted their curiosity , for these were principally the observers who looked out of their doors . it was a broad panelled staircase , with massive balustrades of some dark wood cornices above the doors , ornamented with carved fruit and flowers and broad seats in the windows . but all these tokens of past grandeur were miserably decayed and dirty rot , damp , and age , had weakened the flooring , which in many places was unsound and even unsafe . some attempts had been made , i noticed , to infuse new blood into this dwindling frame , by repairing the costly old wood work here and there with common deal but it was like the marriage of a reduced old noble to a plebeian pauper , and each party to the ill assorted union shrunk away from the other . several of the back windows on the staircase had been darkened or wholly blocked up . in those that remained , there was scarcely any glass and , through the crumbling frames by which the bad air seemed always to come in , and never to go out , i saw , through other glassless windows , into other houses in a similar condition , and looked giddily down into a wretched yard , which was the common dust heap of the mansion . we proceeded to the top storey of the house . two or three times , by the way , i thought i observed in the indistinct light the skirts of a female figure going up before us . as we turned to ascend the last flight of stairs between us and the roof , we caught a full view of this figure pausing for a moment , at a door . then it turned the handle , and went in . whats this . said martha , in a whisper . she has gone into my room . i dont know her . i knew her . i had recognized her with amazement , for miss dartle . i said something to the effect that it was a lady whom i had seen before , in a few words , to my conductress and had scarcely done so , when we heard her voice in the room , though not , from where we stood , what she was saying . martha , with an astonished look , repeated her former action , and softly led me up the stairs and then , by a little back door which seemed to have no lock , and which she pushed open with a touch , into a small empty garret with a low sloping roof , little better than a cupboard . between this , and the room she had called hers , there was a small door of communication , standing partly open . here we stopped , breathless with our ascent , and she placed her hand lightly on my lips . i could only see , of the room beyond , that it was pretty large that there was a bed in it and that there were some common pictures of ships upon the walls . i could not see miss dartle , or the person whom we had heard her address . certainly , my companion could not , for my position was the best . a dead silence prevailed for some moments . martha kept one hand on my lips , and raised the other in a listening attitude . it matters little to me her not being at home , said rosa dartle haughtily , i know nothing of her . it is you i come to see . me . replied a soft voice . at the sound of it , a thrill went through my frame . for it was emilys . yes , returned miss dartle , i have come to look at you . what . you are not ashamed of the face that has done so much . the resolute and unrelenting hatred of her tone , its cold stern sharpness , and its mastered rage , presented her before me , as if i had seen her standing in the light . i saw the flashing black eyes , and the passion wasted figure and i saw the scar , with its white track cutting through her lips , quivering and throbbing as she spoke . i have come to see , she said , james steerforths fancy the girl who ran away with him , and is the town talk of the commonest people of her native place the bold , flaunting , practised companion of persons like james steerforth . i want to know what such a thing is like . there was a rustle , as if the unhappy girl , on whom she heaped these taunts , ran towards the door , and the speaker swiftly interposed herself before it . it was succeeded by a moments pause . when miss dartle spoke again , it was through her set teeth , and with a stamp upon the ground . stay there . she said , or ill proclaim you to the house , and the whole street . if you try to evade me , ill stop you , if its by the hair , and raise the very stones against you . a frightened murmur was the only reply that reached my ears . a silence succeeded . i did not know what to do . much as i desired to put an end to the interview , i felt that i had no right to present myself that it was for mr . peggotty alone to see her and recover her . would he never come . i thought impatiently . so . said rosa dartle , with a contemptuous laugh , i see her at last . why , he was a poor creature to be taken by that delicate mock modesty, , and that hanging head . oh , for heavens sake , spare me . exclaimed emily . whoever you are , you know my pitiable story , and for heavens sake spare me , if you would be spared yourself . if i would be spared . returned the other fiercely what is there in common between us , do you think . nothing but our sex , said emily , with a burst of tears . and that , said rosa dartle , is so strong a claim , preferred by one so infamous , that if i had any feeling in my breast but scorn and abhorrence of you , it would freeze it up . our sex . you are an honour to our sex . i have deserved this , said emily , but its dreadful . dear , lady , think what i have suffered , and how i am fallen . oh , martha , come back . oh , home , . miss dartle placed herself in a chair , within view of the door , and looked downward , as if emily were crouching on the floor before her . being now between me and the light , i could see her curled lip , and her cruel eyes intently fixed on one place , with a greedy triumph . listen to what i say . she said and reserve your false arts for your dupes . do you hope to move me by your tears . no more than you could charm me by your smiles , you purchased slave . oh , have some mercy on me . cried emily . show me some compassion , or i shall die mad . it would be no great penance , said rosa dartle , for your crimes . do you know what you have done . do you ever think of the home you have laid waste . oh , is there ever night or day , when i dont think of it . cried emily and now i could just see her , on her knees , with her head thrown back , her pale face looking upward , her hands wildly clasped and held out , and her hair streaming about her . has there ever been a single minute , waking or sleeping , when it hasnt been before me , just as it used to be in the lost days when i turned my back upon it for ever and for ever . oh , home , . oh dear , uncle , if you ever could have known the agony your love would cause me when i fell away from good , you never would have shown it to me so constant , much as you felt it but would have been angry to me , at least once in my life , that i might have had some comfort . i have none , no comfort upon earth , for all of them were always fond of me . she dropped on her face , before the imperious figure in the chair , with an imploring effort to clasp the skirt of her dress . rosa dartle sat looking down upon her , as inflexible as a figure of brass . her lips were tightly compressed , as if she knew that she must keep a strong constraint upon herself  write what i sincerely believe  she would be tempted to strike the beautiful form with her foot . i saw her , distinctly , and the whole power of her face and character seemed forced into that expression . he never come . the miserable vanity of these earth worms . she said , when she had so far controlled the angry heavings of her breast , that she could trust herself to speak . your home . do you imagine that i bestow a thought on it , or suppose you could do any harm to that low place , which money would not pay for , and handsomely . your home . you were a part of the trade of your home , and were bought and sold like any other vendible thing your people dealt in . oh , not that . cried emily . say anything of me but dont visit my disgrace and shame , more than i have done , on folks who are as honourable as you . have some respect for them , as you are a lady , if you have no mercy for me . i speak , she said , not deigning to take any heed of this appeal , and drawing away her dress from the contamination of emilys touch , i speak of his home  i live . here , she said , stretching out her hand with her contemptuous laugh , and looking down upon the prostrate girl , is a worthy cause of division between lady mother and gentleman son of grief in a house where she wouldnt have been admitted as a kitchen girl of anger , and repining , and reproach . this piece of pollution , picked up from the water side, , to be made much of for an hour , and then tossed back to her original place . no . no . cried emily , clasping her hands together . when he first came into my way  the day had never dawned upon me , and he had met me being carried to my grave . had been brought up as virtuous as you or any lady , and was going to be the wife of as good a man as you or any lady in the world can ever marry . if you live in his home and know him , you know , perhaps , what his power with a weak , vain girl might be . i dont defend myself , but i know well , and he knows well , or he will know when he comes to die , and his mind is troubled with it , that he used all his power to deceive me , and that i believed him , trusted him , and loved him . rosa dartle sprang up from her seat recoiled and in recoiling struck at her , with a face of such malignity , so darkened and disfigured by passion , that i had almost thrown myself between them . the blow , which had no aim , fell upon the air . as she now stood panting , looking at her with the utmost detestation that she was capable of expressing , and trembling from head to foot with rage and scorn , i thought i had never seen such a sight , and never could see such another . you love him . you . she cried , with her clenched hand , quivering as if it only wanted a weapon to stab the object of her wrath . emily had shrunk out of my view . there was no reply . and tell that to me , she added , with your shameful lips . why dont they whip these creatures . if i could order it to be done , i would have this girl whipped to death . and so she would , i have no doubt . i would not have trusted her with the rack itself , while that furious look lasted . she slowly , very slowly , broke into a laugh , and pointed at emily with her hand , as if she were a sight of shame for gods and men . she love . she said . that carrion . and he ever cared for her , shed tell me . ha , . the liars that these traders are . her mockery was worse than her undisguised rage . of the two , i would have much preferred to be the object of the latter . but , when she suffered it to break loose , it was only for a moment . she had chained it up again , and however it might tear her within , she subdued it to herself . i came here , you pure fountain of love , she said , to see  i began by telling you  such a thing as you was like . i was curious . i am satisfied . also to tell you , that you had best seek that home of yours , with all speed , and hide your head among those excellent people who are expecting you , and whom your money will console . when its all gone , you can believe , and trust , and love again , you know . i thought you a broken toy that had lasted its time a worthless spangle that was tarnished , and thrown away . but , finding you true gold , a very lady , and an ill used innocent , with a fresh heart full of love and trustfulness  you look like , and is quite consistent with your story . have something more to say . attend to it for what i say ill do . do you hear me , you fairy spirit . what i say , i mean to do . her rage got the better of her again , for a moment but it passed over her face like a spasm , and left her smiling . hide yourself , she pursued , if not at home , somewhere . let it be somewhere beyond reach in some obscure life  , better still , in some obscure death . i wonder , if your loving heart will not break , you have found no way of helping it to be still . i have heard of such means sometimes . i believe they may be easily found . a low crying , on the part of emily , interrupted her here . she stopped , and listened to it as if it were music . i am of a strange nature , perhaps , rosa dartle went on but i cant breathe freely in the air you breathe . i find it sickly . therefore , i will have it cleared i will have it purified of you . if you live here tomorrow , ill have your story and your character proclaimed on the common stair . there are decent women in the house , i am told and it is a pity such a light as you should be among them , and concealed . if , leaving here , you seek any refuge in this town in any character but your true one the same service shall be done you , if i hear of your retreat . being assisted by a gentleman who not long ago aspired to the favour of your hand , i am sanguine as to that . would he never , come . how long was i to bear this . how long could i bear it . oh me , oh me . exclaimed the wretched emily , in a tone that might have touched the hardest heart , i should have thought but there was no relenting in rosa dartles smile . what , shall i do . do . returned the other . live happy in your own reflections . consecrate your existence to the recollection of james steerforths tenderness  would have made you his serving mans wife , would he not . to feeling grateful to the upright and deserving creature who would have taken you as his gift . or , if those proud remembrances , and the consciousness of your own virtues , and the honourable position to which they have raised you in the eyes of everything that wears the human shape , will not sustain you , marry that good man , and be happy in his condescension . if this will not do either , die . there are doorways and dust heaps for such deaths , and such despair  one , and take your flight to heaven . i heard a distant foot upon the stairs . i knew it , i was certain . it was his , thank god . she moved slowly from before the door when she said this , and passed out of my sight . but mark . she added , slowly and sternly , opening the other door to go away , i am resolved , for reasons that i have and hatreds that i entertain , to cast you out , unless you withdraw from my reach altogether , or drop your pretty mask . this is what i had to say and what i say , i mean to do . the foot upon the stairs came nearer  her as she went down  into the room . uncle . a fearful cry followed the word . i paused a moment , and looking in , saw him supporting her insensible figure in his arms . he gazed for a few seconds in the face then stooped to kiss it  , how tenderly . drew a handkerchief before it . masr davy , he said , in a low tremulous voice , when it was covered , i thank my heavnly father as my dreams come true . i thank him hearty for having guided of me , in his own ways , to my darling . with those words he took her up in his arms and , with the veiled face lying on his bosom , and addressed towards his own , carried her , motionless and unconscious , down the stairs . chapter . the beginning of a longer journey it was yet early in the morning of the following day , when , as i was walking in my garden with my aunt who took little other exercise now , being so much in attendance on my dear dora , i was told that mr . peggotty desired to speak with me . he came into the garden to meet me half way, , on my going towards the gate and bared his head , as it was always his custom to do when he saw my aunt , for whom he had a high respect . i had been telling her all that had happened overnight . without saying a word , she walked up with a cordial face , shook hands with him , and patted him on the arm . it was so expressively done , that she had no need to say a word . mr . peggotty understood her quite as well as if she had said a thousand . ill go in now , trot , said my aunt , and look after little blossom , who will be getting up presently . not along of my being heer , maam , i hope . said mr . peggotty . unless my wits is gone a bahds neezing  which mr . peggotty meant to say , birds nesting morning , tis along of me as youre a going to quit us . you have something to say , my good friend , returned my aunt , and will do better without me . by your leave , maam , returned mr . peggotty , i should take it kind , pervising you doent mind my clicketten , if youd bide heer . would you . said my aunt , with short good nature . then i am sure i will . so , she drew her arm through mr . peggottys , and walked with him to a leafy little summer house there was at the bottom of the garden , where she sat down on a bench , and i beside her . there was a seat for mr . peggotty too , but he preferred to stand , leaning his hand on the small rustic table . as he stood , looking at his cap for a little while before beginning to speak , i could not help observing what power and force of character his sinewy hand expressed , and what a good and trusty companion it was to his honest brow and iron grey hair . i took my dear child away last night , mr . peggotty began , as he raised his eyes to ours , to my lodging , wheer i have a long time been expecting of her and preparing fur her . it was hours afore she knowed me right and when she did , she kneeled down at my feet , and kiender said to me , as if it was her prayers , how it all come to be . you may believe me , when i heerd her voice , as i had heerd at home so playful  see her humbled , as it might be in the dust our saviour wrote in with his blessed hand  felt a wownd go to my art , in the midst of all its thankfulness . he drew his sleeve across his face , without any pretence of concealing why and then cleared his voice . it warnt for long as i felt that for she was found . i had ony to think as she was found , and it was gone . i doent know why i do so much as mention of it now , im sure . i didnt have it in my mind a minute ago , to say a word about myself but it come up so natral , that i yielded to it afore i was aweer . you are a self denying soul , said my aunt , and will have your reward . mr . peggotty , with the shadows of the leaves playing athwart his face , made a surprised inclination of the head towards my aunt , as an acknowledgement of her good opinion then took up the thread he had relinquished . when my emly took flight , he said , in stern wrath for the moment , from the house wheer she was made a prisoner by that theer spotted snake as masr davy see  , his storys trew , and may god confound him . took flight in the night . it was a dark night , with a many stars a shining . she was wild . she ran along the sea beach , believing the old boat was theer and calling out to us to turn away our faces , for she was a coming by . she heerd herself a crying out , like as if it was another person and cut herself on them sharp pinted stones and rocks , and felt it no more than if she had been rock herself . ever so fur she run , and there was fire afore her eyes , and roarings in her ears . of a sudden  so she thowt , you unnerstand  day broke , wet and windy , and she was lying blow a heap of stone upon the shore , and a woman was a speaking to her , saying , in the language of that country , what was it as had gone so much amiss . he saw everything he related . it passed before him , as he spoke , so vividly , that , in the intensity of his earnestness , he presented what he described to me , with greater distinctness than i can express . i can hardly believe , writing now long afterwards , but that i was actually present in these scenes they are impressed upon me with such an astonishing air of fidelity . as emlys eyes  was heavy  this woman better , mr . peggotty went on , she knowd as she was one of them as she had often talked to on the beach . fur , though she had run ever so fur in the night , she had oftentimes wandered long ways , partly afoot , partly in boats and carriages , and knowd all that country , long the coast , miles and miles . she hadnt no children of her own , this woman , being a young wife but she was a looking to have one afore long . and may my prayers go up to heaven that twill be a happiness to her , and a comfort , and a honour , all her life . may it love her and be dootiful to her , in her old age helpful of her at the last a angel to her heer , and heerafter . amen . said my aunt . she had been summat timorous and down , said mr . peggotty , and had sat , at first , a little way off , at her spinning , or such work as it was , when emly talked to the children . but emly had took notice of her , and had gone and spoke to her and as the young woman was partial to the children herself , they had soon made friends . sermuchser , that when emly went that way , she always giv emly flowers . this was her as now asked what it was that had gone so much amiss . emly told her , and she  her home . she did indeed . she took her home , said mr . peggotty , covering his face . he was more affected by this act of kindness , than i had ever seen him affected by anything since the night she went away . my aunt and i did not attempt to disturb him . it was a little cottage , you may suppose , he said , presently , but she found space for emly in it  , husband was away at sea  , she kep it secret , and prevailed upon such neighbours as she had they was not many near to keep it secret too . emly was took bad with fever , and , what is very strange to me is  , tis not so strange to scholars  , language of that country went out of her head , and she could only speak her own , that no one unnerstood . she recollects , as if she had dreamed it , that she lay there always a talking her own tongue , always believing as the old boat was round the next pint in the bay , and begging and imploring of em to send theer and tell how she was dying , and bring back a message of forgiveness , if it was ony a wured . amost the whole time , she thowt  , that him as i made mention on just now was lurking for her unnerneath the winder now that him as had brought her to this was in the room  , cried to the good young woman not to give her up , and knowd , at the same time , that she couldnt unnerstand , and dreaded that she must be took away . likewise the fire was afore her eyes , and the roarings in her ears and theer was no today , nor yesterday , nor yet tomorrow but everything in her life as ever had been , or as ever could be , and everything as never had been , and as never could be , was a crowding on her all at once , and nothing clear nor welcome , and yet she sang and laughed about it . how long this lasted , i doent know but then theer come a sleep and in that sleep , from being a many times stronger than her own self , she fell into the weakness of the littlest child . here he stopped , as if for relief from the terrors of his own description . after being silent for a few moments , he pursued his story . it was a pleasant arternoon when she awoke and so quiet , that there warnt a sound but the rippling of that blue sea without a tide , upon the shore . it was her belief , at first , that she was at home upon a sunday morning but the vine leaves as she see at the winder , and the hills beyond , warnt home , and contradicted of her . then , come in her friend to watch alongside of her bed and then she knowd as the old boat warnt round that next pint in the bay no more , but was fur off and knowd where she was , and why and broke out a crying on that good young womans bosom , wheer i hope her baby is a lying now , a cheering of her with its pretty eyes . he could not speak of this good friend of emilys without a flow of tears . it was in vain to try . he broke down again , endeavouring to bless her . that done my emly good , he resumed , after such emotion as i could not behold without sharing in and as to my aunt , she wept with all her heart that done emly good , and she begun to mend . but , the language of that country was quite gone from her , and she was forced to make signs . so she went on , getting better from day to day , slow , but sure , and trying to learn the names of common things  as she seemed never to have heerd in all her life  one evening come , when she was a setting at her window , looking at a little girl at play upon the beach . and of a sudden this child held out her hand , and said , what would be in english , fishermans daughter , heres a shell . you are to unnerstand that they used at first to call her pretty lady , as the general way in that country is , and that she had taught em to call her fishermans daughter instead . the child says of a sudden , fishermans daughter , heres a shell . then emly unnerstands her and she answers , bursting out a crying and it all comes back . when emly got strong again , said mr . peggotty , after another short interval of silence , she cast about to leave that good young creetur , and get to her own country . the husband was come home , then and the two together put her aboard a small trader bound to leghorn , and from that to france . she had a little money , but it was less than little as they would take for all they done . im amost glad on it , though they was so poor . what they done , is laid up wheer neither moth or rust doth corrupt , and wheer thieves do not break through nor steal . masr davy , itll outlast all the treasure in the wureld . emly got to france , and took service to wait on travelling ladies at a inn in the port . theer , come , one day , that snake . him never come nigh me . i doent know what hurt i might do him . as she see him , without him seeing her , all her fear and wildness returned upon her , and she fled afore the very breath he drawd . she come to england , and was set ashore at dover . i doent know , said mr . peggotty , for sure , when her art begun to fail her but all the way to england she had thowt to come to her dear home . soon as she got to england she turned her face towrds it . but , fear of not being forgiv , fear of being pinted at , fear of some of us being dead along of her , fear of many things , turned her from it , kiender by force , upon the road uncle , she says to me , the fear of not being worthy to do what my torn and bleeding breast so longed to do , was the most frightning fear of all . i turned back , when my art was full of prayers that i might crawl to the old door step, , in the night , kiss it , lay my wicked face upon it , and theer be found dead in the morning . she come , said mr . peggotty , dropping his voice to an awe stricken whisper , to london . she  had never seen it in her life  a penny  pretty  to london . amost the moment as she lighted heer , all so desolate , she found as she believed a friend a decent woman as spoke to her about the needle work as she had been brought up to do , about finding plenty of it fur her , about a lodging fur the night , and making secret inquiration concerning of me and all at home , tomorrow . when my child , he said aloud , and with an energy of gratitude that shook him from head to foot , stood upon the brink of more than i can say or think on  , trew to her promise , saved her . i could not repress a cry of joy . masr davy . said he , gripping my hand in that strong hand of his , it was you as first made mention of her to me . i thankee , sir . she was arnest . she had knowd of her bitter knowledge wheer to watch and what to do . she had done it . and the lord was above all . she come , white and hurried , upon emly in her sleep . she says to her , rise up from worse than death , and come with me . them belonging to the house would have stopped her , but they might as soon have stopped the sea . stand away from me , she says , i am a ghost that calls her from beside her open grave . she told emly she had seen me , and knowd i loved her , and forgive her . she wrapped her , hasty , in her clothes . she took her , faint and trembling , on her arm . she heeded no more what they said , than if she had no ears . she walked among em with my child , minding only her and brought her safe out , in the dead of the night , from that black pit of ruin . she attended on emly , said mr . peggotty , who had released my hand , and put his own hand on his heaving chest she attended to my emly , lying wearied out , and wandering betwixt whiles , till late next day . then she went in search of me then in search of you , masr davy . she didnt tell emly what she come out fur , lest her art should fail , and she should think of hiding of herself . how the cruel lady knowd of her being theer , i cant say . whether him as i have spoke so much of , chanced to see em going theer , or whether which is most like , to my thinking he had heerd it from the woman , i doent greatly ask myself . my niece is found . all night long , said mr . peggotty , we have been together , emly and me . tis little as she has said , in wureds , through them broken hearted tears tis less as i have seen of her dear face , as growd into a womans at my hearth . but , all night long , her arms has been about my neck and her head has laid heer and we knows full well , as we can put our trust in one another , ever more . he ceased to speak , and his hand upon the table rested there in perfect repose , with a resolution in it that might have conquered lions . it was a gleam of light upon me , trot , said my aunt , drying her eyes , when i formed the resolution of being godmother to your sister betsey trotwood , who disappointed me but , next to that , hardly anything would have given me greater pleasure , than to be godmother to that good young creatures baby . mr . peggotty nodded his understanding of my aunts feelings , but could not trust himself with any verbal reference to the subject of her commendation . we all remained silent , and occupied with our own reflections my aunt drying her eyes , and now sobbing convulsively , and now laughing and calling herself a fool until i spoke . you have quite made up your mind , said i to mr . peggotty , as to the future , good friend . i need scarcely ask you . quite , masr davy , he returned and told emly . theers mighty countries , fur from heer . our future life lays over the sea . they will emigrate together , aunt , said i . yes . said mr . peggotty , with a hopeful smile . no one cant reproach my darling in australia . we will begin a new life over theer . i asked him if he yet proposed to himself any time for going away . i was down at the docks early this morning , sir , he returned , to get information concerning of them ships . in about six weeks or two months from now , therell be one sailing  see her this morning  aboard  we shall take our passage in her . quite alone . i asked . aye , masr davy . he returned . my sister , you see , shes that fond of you and yourn , and that accustomed to think ony of her own country , that it wouldnt be hardly fair to let her go . besides which , theers one she has in charge , masr davy , as doent ought to be forgot . poor ham . said i . my good sister takes care of his house , you see , maam , and he takes kindly to her , mr . peggotty explained for my aunts better information . hell set and talk to her , with a calm spirit , wen its like he couldnt bring himself to open his lips to another . poor fellow . said mr . peggotty , shaking his head , theers not so much left him , that he could spare the little as he has . and mrs . gummidge . said i . well , ive had a mort of consideration , i do tell you , returned mr . peggotty , with a perplexed look which gradually cleared as he went on , concerning of missis gummidge . you see , wen missis gummidge falls a thinking of the old un , she ant what you may call good company . betwixt you and me , masr davy  you , maam  mrs . gummidge takes to wimicking  , old country word for crying  , liable to be considered to be , by them as didnt know the old un , peevish like . now i did know the old un , said mr . peggotty , and i knowd his merits , so i unnerstan her but tant entirely so , you see , with others  cant be . my aunt and i both acquiesced . wheerby , said mr . peggotty , my sister might  doent say she would , but might  missis gummidge give her a leetle trouble now and . theerfur tant my intentions to moor missis gummidge long with them , but to find a beein fur her wheer she can fisherate for herself . a beein signifies , in that dialect , a home , and to fisherate is to provide . fur which purpose , said mr . peggotty , i means to make her a lowance afore i go , asll leave her pretty comfortble . shes the faithfullest of creeturs . tant to be expected , of course , at her time of life , and being lone and lorn , as the good old mawther is to be knocked about aboardship , and in the woods and wilds of a new and fur away country . so thats what im a going to do with her . he forgot nobody . he thought of everybodys claims and strivings , but his own . emly , he continued , will keep along with me  child , shes sore in need of peace and rest . such time as we goes upon our voyage . shell work at them clothes , as must be made and i hope her troubles will begin to seem longer ago than they was , wen she finds herself once more by her rough but loving uncle . my aunt nodded confirmation of this hope , and imparted great satisfaction to mr . peggotty . theers one thing furder , masr davy , said he , putting his hand in his breast pocket, , and gravely taking out the little paper bundle i had seen before , which he unrolled on the table . theers these here banknotes  pound , and ten . to them i wish to add the money as she come away with . ive asked her about that and have added of it up . i ant a scholar . would you be so kind as see how tis . he handed me , apologetically for his scholarship , a piece of paper , and observed me while i looked it over . it was quite right . thankee , sir , he said , taking it back . this money , if you doent see objections , masr davy , i shall put up jest afore i go , in a cover directed to him and put that up in another , directed to his mother . i shall tell her , in no more wureds than i speak to you , what its the price on and that im gone , and past receiving of it back . i told him that i thought it would be right to do so  i was thoroughly convinced it would be , since he felt it to be right . i said that theer was ony one thing furder , he proceeded with a grave smile , when he had made up his little bundle again , and put it in his pocket but theer was two . i warnt sure in my mind , wen i come out this morning , as i could go and break to ham , of my own self , what had so thankfully happened . so i writ a letter while i was out , and put it in the post office, , telling of em how all was as tis and that i should come down tomorrow to unload my mind of what little needs a doing of down theer , and , most like, , take my farewell leave of yarmouth . and do you wish me to go with you . said i , seeing that he left something unsaid . if you could do me that kind favour , masr davy , he replied . i know the sight on you would cheer em up a bit . my little dora being in good spirits , and very desirous that i should go  i found on talking it over with her  readily pledged myself to accompany him in accordance with his wish . next morning , consequently , we were on the yarmouth coach , and again travelling over the old ground . as we passed along the familiar street at night  . peggotty , in despite of all my remonstrances , carrying my bag  glanced into omer and jorams shop , and saw my old friend mr . omer there , smoking his pipe . i felt reluctant to be present , when mr . peggotty first met his sister and ham and made mr . omer my excuse for lingering behind . how is mr . omer , after this long time . said i , going in . he fanned away the smoke of his pipe , that he might get a better view of me , and soon recognized me with great delight . i should get up , sir , to acknowledge such an honour as this visit , said he , only my limbs are rather out of sorts , and i am wheeled about . with the exception of my limbs and my breath , howsoever , i am as hearty as a man can be , im thankful to say . i congratulated him on his contented looks and his good spirits , and saw , now , that his easy chair went on wheels . its an ingenious thing , aint it . he inquired , following the direction of my glance , and polishing the elbow with his arm . it runs as light as a feather , and tracks as true as a mail coach . bless you , my little minnie  grand daughter you know , minnies child  her little strength against the back , gives it a shove , and away we go , as clever and merry as ever you see anything . and i tell you what  a most uncommon chair to smoke a pipe in . i never saw such a good old fellow to make the best of a thing , and find out the enjoyment of it , as mr . omer . he was as radiant , as if his chair , his asthma , and the failure of his limbs , were the various branches of a great invention for enhancing the luxury of a pipe . i see more of the world , i can assure you , said mr . omer , in this chair , than ever i see out of it . youd be surprised at the number of people that looks in of a day to have a chat . you really would . theres twice as much in the newspaper , since ive taken to this chair , as there used to be . as to general reading , dear me , what a lot of it i do get through . thats what i feel so strong , you know . if it had been my eyes , what should i have done . if it had been my ears , what should i have done . being my limbs , what does it signify . why , my limbs only made my breath shorter when i used em . and now , if i want to go out into the street or down to the sands , ive only got to call dick , jorams youngest prentice , and away i go in my own carriage , like the lord mayor of london . he half suffocated himself with laughing here . lord bless you . said mr . omer , resuming his pipe , a man must take the fat with the lean thats what he must make up his mind to , in this life . joram does a fine business . ex cellent business . i am very glad to hear it , said i . i knew you would be , said mr . omer . and joram and minnie are like valentines . what more can a man expect . whats his limbs to that . his supreme contempt for his own limbs , as he sat smoking , was one of the pleasantest oddities i have ever encountered . and since ive took to general reading , youve took to general writing , eh , sir . said mr . omer , surveying me admiringly . what a lovely work that was of yours . what expressions in it . i read it every word  . and as to feeling sleepy . not at all . i laughingly expressed my satisfaction , but i must confess that i thought this association of ideas significant . i give you my word and honour , sir , said mr . omer , that when i lay that book upon the table , and look at it outside compact in three separate and indiwidual wollumes  , two , three i am as proud as punch to think that i once had the honour of being connected with your family . and dear me , its a long time ago , now , aint it . over at blunderstone . with a pretty little party laid along with the other party . and you quite a small party then , yourself . dear , . i changed the subject by referring to emily . after assuring him that i did not forget how interested he had always been in her , and how kindly he had always treated her , i gave him a general account of her restoration to her uncle by the aid of martha which i knew would please the old man . he listened with the utmost attention , and said , feelingly , when i had done i am rejoiced at it , sir . its the best news i have heard for many a day . dear , . and whats going to be undertook for that unfortunate young woman , martha , now . you touch a point that my thoughts have been dwelling on since yesterday , said i , but on which i can give you no information yet , mr . omer . mr . peggotty has not alluded to it , and i have a delicacy in doing so . i am sure he has not forgotten it . he forgets nothing that is disinterested and good . because you know , said mr . omer , taking himself up , where he had left off , whatever is done , i should wish to be a member of . put me down for anything you may consider right , and let me know . i never could think the girl all bad , and i am glad to find shes not . so will my daughter minnie be . young women are contradictory creatures in some things  mother was just the same as her  their hearts are soft and kind . its all show with minnie , about martha . why she should consider it necessary to make any show , i dont undertake to tell you . but its all show , bless you . shed do her any kindness in private . so , put me down for whatever you may consider right , will you be so good . and drop me a line where to forward it . dear me . said mr . omer , when a man is drawing on to a time of life , where the two ends of life meet when he finds himself , however hearty he is , being wheeled about for the second time , in a speeches of go cart he should be over rejoiced to do a kindness if he can . he wants plenty . and i dont speak of myself , particular , said mr . omer , because , sir , the way i look at it is , that we are all drawing on to the bottom of the hill , whatever age we are , on account of time never standing still for a single moment . so let us always do a kindness , and be over rejoiced . to be sure . he knocked the ashes out of his pipe , and put it on a ledge in the back of his chair , expressly made for its reception . theres emlys cousin , him that she was to have been married to , said mr . omer , rubbing his hands feebly , as fine a fellow as there is in yarmouth . hell come and talk or read to me , in the evening , for an hour together sometimes . thats a kindness , i should call it . all his lifes a kindness . i am going to see him now , said i . are you . said mr . omer . tell him i was hearty , and sent my respects . minnie and jorams at a ball . they would be as proud to see you as i am , if they was at home . minnie wont hardly go out at all , you see , on account of father , as she says . so i swore tonight , that if she didnt go , id go to bed at six . in consequence of which , mr . omer shook himself and his chair with laughter at the success of his device , she and jorams at a ball . i shook hands with him , and wished him good night . half a minute , sir , said mr . omer . if you was to go without seeing my little elephant , youd lose the best of sights . you never see such a sight . minnie . a musical little voice answered , from somewhere upstairs , i am coming , grandfather . and a pretty little girl with long , flaxen , curling hair , soon came running into the shop . this is my little elephant , sir , said mr . omer , fondling the child . siamese breed , sir . now , little elephant . the little elephant set the door of the parlour open , enabling me to see that , in these latter days , it was converted into a bedroom for mr . omer who could not be easily conveyed upstairs and then hid her pretty forehead , and tumbled her long hair , against the back of mr . omers chair . the elephant butts , you know , sir , said mr . omer , winking , when he goes at a object . once , elephant . twice . three times . at this signal , the little elephant , with a dexterity that was next to marvellous in so small an animal , whisked the chair round with mr . omer in it , and rattled it off , pell mell, , into the parlour , without touching the door post mr . omer indescribably enjoying the performance , and looking back at me on the road as if it were the triumphant issue of his lifes exertions . after a stroll about the town i went to hams house . peggotty had now removed here for good and had let her own house to the successor of mr . barkis in the carrying business , who had paid her very well for the good will, , cart , and horse . i believe the very same slow horse that mr . barkis drove was still at work . i found them in the neat kitchen , accompanied by mrs . gummidge , who had been fetched from the old boat by mr . peggotty himself . i doubt if she could have been induced to desert her post , by anyone else . he had evidently told them all . both peggotty and mrs . gummidge had their aprons to their eyes , and ham had just stepped out to take a turn on the beach . he presently came home , very glad to see me and i hope they were all the better for my being there . we spoke , with some approach to cheerfulness , of mr . peggottys growing rich in a new country , and of the wonders he would describe in his letters . we said nothing of emily by name , but distantly referred to her more than once . ham was the serenest of the party . but , peggotty told me , when she lighted me to a little chamber where the crocodile book was lying ready for me on the table , that he always was the same . she believed that he was broken hearted though he was as full of courage as of sweetness , and worked harder and better than any boat builder in any yard in all that part . there were times , she said , of an evening , when he talked of their old life in the boat house and then he mentioned emily as a child . but , he never mentioned her as a woman . i thought i had read in his face that he would like to speak to me alone . i therefore resolved to put myself in his way next evening , as he came home from his work . having settled this with myself , i fell asleep . that night , for the first time in all those many nights , the candle was taken out of the window , mr . peggotty swung in his old hammock in the old boat , and the wind murmured with the old sound round his head . all next day , he was occupied in disposing of his fishing boat and tackle in packing up , and sending to london by waggon , such of his little domestic possessions as he thought would be useful to him and in parting with the rest , or bestowing them on mrs . gummidge . she was with him all day . as i had a sorrowful wish to see the old place once more , before it was locked up , i engaged to meet them there in the evening . but i so arranged it , as that i should meet ham first . it was easy to come in his way , as i knew where he worked . i met him at a retired part of the sands , which i knew he would cross , and turned back with him , that he might have leisure to speak to me if he really wished . i had not mistaken the expression of his face . we had walked but a little way together , when he said , without looking at me masr davy , have you seen her . only for a moment , when she was in a swoon , i softly answered . we walked a little farther , and he said masr davy , shall you see her , dye think . it would be too painful to her , perhaps , said i . i have thowt of that , he replied . so twould , sir , so twould . but , ham , said i , gently , if there is anything that i could write to her , for you , in case i could not tell it if there is anything you would wish to make known to her through me i should consider it a sacred trust . i am sure ont . i thankee , sir , most kind . i think theer is something i could wish said or wrote . what is it . we walked a little farther in silence , and then he spoke . tant that i forgive her . tant that so much . tis more as i beg of her to forgive me , for having pressed my affections upon her . odd times , i think that if i hadnt had her promise fur to marry me , sir , she was that trustful of me , in a friendly way , that shed have told me what was struggling in her mind , and would have counselled with me , and i might have saved her . i pressed his hand . is that all . theers yet a something else , he returned , if i can say it , masr davy . we walked on , farther than we had walked yet , before he spoke again . he was not crying when he made the pauses i shall express by lines . he was merely collecting himself to speak very plainly . i loved her  i love the memry of her  deep  be able to lead her to believe of my own self as im a happy man . i could only be happy  forgetting of her  im afeerd i couldnt hardly bear as she should be told i done that . but if you , being so full of learning , masr davy , could think of anything to say as might bring her to believe i wasnt greatly hurt still loving of her , and mourning for her anything as might bring her to believe as i was not tired of my life , and yet was hoping fur to see her without blame , wheer the wicked cease from troubling and the weary are at rest  as would ease her sorrowful mind , and yet not make her think as i could ever marry , or as twas possible that anyone could ever be to me what she was  should ask of you to say that  my prayers for her  was so dear . i pressed his manly hand again , and told him i would charge myself to do this as well as i could . i thankee , sir , he answered . twas kind of you to meet me . twas kind of you to bear him company down . masr davy , i unnerstan very well , though my aunt will come to lonon afore they sail , and theyll unite once more , that i am not like to see him agen . i fare to feel sure ont . we doent say so , but so twill be , and better so . the last you see on him  very last  you give him the lovingest duty and thanks of the orphan , as he was ever more than a father to . this i also promised , faithfully . i thankee agen , sir , he said , heartily shaking hands . i know wheer youre a going . good bye . with a slight wave of his hand , as though to explain to me that he could not enter the old place , he turned away . as i looked after his figure , crossing the waste in the moonlight , i saw him turn his face towards a strip of silvery light upon the sea , and pass on , looking at it , until he was a shadow in the distance . the door of the boat house stood open when i approached and , on entering , i found it emptied of all its furniture , saving one of the old lockers , on which mrs . gummidge , with a basket on her knee , was seated , looking at mr . peggotty . he leaned his elbow on the rough chimney piece, , and gazed upon a few expiring embers in the grate but he raised his head , hopefully , on my coming in , and spoke in a cheery manner . come , according to promise , to bid farewell to t , eh , masr davy . he said , taking up the candle . bare enough , now , ant it . indeed you have made good use of the time , said i . why , we have not been idle , sir . missis gummidge has worked like a  doent know what missis gummidge ant worked like , said mr . peggotty , looking at her , at a loss for a sufficiently approving simile . mrs . gummidge , leaning on her basket , made no observation . theers the very locker that you used to sit on , long with emly . said mr . peggotty , in a whisper . im a going to carry it away with me , last of all . and heers your old little bedroom , see , masr davy . amost as bleak tonight , as art could wish . in truth , the wind , though it was low , had a solemn sound , and crept around the deserted house with a whispered wailing that was very mournful . everything was gone , down to the little mirror with the oyster shell frame . i thought of myself , lying here , when that first great change was being wrought at home . i thought of the blue eyed child who had enchanted me . i thought of steerforth and a foolish , fearful fancy came upon me of his being near at hand , and liable to be met at any turn . tis like to be long , said mr . peggotty , in a low voice , afore the boat finds new tenants . they look upon t , down heer , as being unfortunate now . does it belong to anybody in the neighbourhood . i asked . to a mast maker up town , said mr . peggotty . im a going to give the key to him tonight . we looked into the other little room , and came back to mrs . gummidge , sitting on the locker , whom mr . peggotty , putting the light on the chimney piece, , requested to rise , that he might carry it outside the door before extinguishing the candle . danl , said mrs . gummidge , suddenly deserting her basket , and clinging to his arm my dear danl , the parting words i speak in this house is , i mustnt be left behind . doent ye think of leaving me behind , danl . oh , doent ye ever do it . mr . peggotty , taken aback , looked from mrs . gummidge to me , and from me to mrs . gummidge , as if he had been awakened from a sleep . doent ye , dearest danl , doent ye . cried mrs . gummidge , fervently . take me long with you , danl , take me long with you and emly . ill be your servant , constant and trew . if theres slaves in them parts where youre a going, , ill be bound to you for one , and happy , but doent ye leave me behind , danl , thats a deary dear . my good soul , said mr . peggotty , shaking his head , you doent know what a long voyage , and what a hard life tis . yes , i do , danl . i can guess . cried mrs . gummidge . but my parting words under this roof is , i shall go into the house and die , if i am not took . i can dig , danl . i can work . i can live hard . i can be loving and patient now  than you think , danl , if youll ony try me . i wouldnt touch the lowance , not if i was dying of want , danl peggotty but ill go with you and emly , if youll ony let me , to the worlds end . i know how tis i know you think that i am lone and lorn but , deary love , tant so no more . i aint sat here , so long , a watching, , and a thinking of your trials , without some good being done me . masr davy , speak to him for me . i knows his ways , and emlys , and i knows their sorrows , and can be a comfort to em , some odd times , and labour for em allus . danl , deary danl , let me go long with you . and mrs . gummidge took his hand , and kissed it with a homely pathos and affection , in a homely rapture of devotion and gratitude , that he well deserved . we brought the locker out , extinguished the candle , fastened the door on the outside , and left the old boat close shut up , a dark speck in the cloudy night . next day , when we were returning to london outside the coach , mrs . gummidge and her basket were on the seat behind , and mrs . gummidge was happy . chapter . i assist at an explosion when the time mr . micawber had appointed so mysteriously , was within four and hours of being come , my aunt and i consulted how we should proceed for my aunt was very unwilling to leave dora . ah . how easily i carried dora up and down stairs , now . we were disposed , notwithstanding mr . micawbers stipulation for my aunts attendance , to arrange that she should stay at home , and be represented by mr . dick and me . in short , we had resolved to take this course , when dora again unsettled us by declaring that she never would forgive herself , and never would forgive her bad boy , if my aunt remained behind , on any pretence . i wont speak to you , said dora , shaking her curls at my aunt . ill be disagreeable . ill make jip bark at you all day . i shall be sure that you really are a cross old thing , if you dont go . tut , blossom . laughed my aunt . you know you cant do without me . yes , i can , said dora . you are no use to me at all . you never run up and down stairs for me , all day long . you never sit and tell me stories about doady , when his shoes were worn out , and he was covered with dust  , what a poor little mite of a fellow . you never do anything at all to please me , do you , dear . dora made haste to kiss my aunt , and say , yes , you do . im only joking . my aunt should think she really meant it . but , aunt , said dora , coaxingly , now listen . you must go . i shall tease you , till you let me have my own way about it . i shall lead my naughty boy such a life , if he dont make you go . i shall make myself so disagreeable  so will jip . youll wish you had gone , like a good thing , for ever and ever so long , if you dont go . besides , said dora , putting back her hair , and looking wonderingly at my aunt and me , why shouldnt you both go . i am not very ill indeed . am i . why , what a question . cried my aunt . what a fancy . said i . yes . i know i am a silly little thing . said dora , slowly looking from one of us to the other , and then putting up her pretty lips to kiss us as she lay upon her couch . well , then , you must both go , or i shall not believe you and then i shall cry . i saw , in my aunts face , that she began to give way now , and dora brightened again , as she saw it too . youll come back with so much to tell me , that itll take at least a week to make me understand . said dora . because i know i shant understand , for a length of time , if theres any business in it . and theres sure to be some business in it . if theres anything to add up , besides , i dont know when i shall make it out and my bad boy will look so miserable all the time . there . now youll go , wont you . youll only be gone one night , and jip will take care of me while you are gone . doady will carry me upstairs before you go , and i wont come down again till you come back and you shall take agnes a dreadfully scolding letter from me , because she has never been to see us . we agreed , without any more consultation , that we would both go , and that dora was a little impostor , who feigned to be rather unwell , because she liked to be petted . she was greatly pleased , and very merry and we four , that is to say , my aunt , mr . dick , traddles , and i , went down to canterbury by the dover mail that night . at the hotel where mr . micawber had requested us to await him , which we got into , with some trouble , in the middle of the night , i found a letter , importing that he would appear in the morning punctually at half past nine . after which , we went shivering , at that uncomfortable hour , to our respective beds , through various close passages which smelt as if they had been steeped , for ages , in a solution of soup and stables . early in the morning , i sauntered through the dear old tranquil streets , and again mingled with the shadows of the venerable gateways and churches . the rooks were sailing about the cathedral towers and the towers themselves , overlooking many a long unaltered mile of the rich country and its pleasant streams , were cutting the bright morning air , as if there were no such thing as change on earth . yet the bells , when they sounded , told me sorrowfully of change in everything told me of their own age , and my pretty doras youth and of the many , never old , who had lived and loved and died , while the reverberations of the bells had hummed through the rusty armour of the black prince hanging up within , and , motes upon the deep of time , had lost themselves in air , as circles do in water . i looked at the old house from the corner of the street , but did not go nearer to it , lest , being observed , i might unwittingly do any harm to the design i had come to aid . the early sun was striking edgewise on its gables and lattice windows, , touching them with gold and some beams of its old peace seemed to touch my heart . i strolled into the country for an hour or so , and then returned by the main street , which in the interval had shaken off its last nights sleep . among those who were stirring in the shops , i saw my ancient enemy the butcher , now advanced to top boots and a baby , and in business for himself . he was nursing the baby , and appeared to be a benignant member of society . we all became very anxious and impatient , when we sat down to breakfast . as it approached nearer and nearer to half past nine oclock , our restless expectation of mr . micawber increased . at last we made no more pretence of attending to the meal , which , except with mr . dick , had been a mere form from the first but my aunt walked up and down the room . traddles sat upon the sofa affecting to read the paper with his eyes on the ceiling and i looked out of the window to give early notice of mr . micawbers coming . nor had i long to watch , for , at the first chime of the half hour , he appeared in the street . here he is , said i , and not in his legal attire . my aunt tied the strings of her bonnet she had come down to breakfast in it , and put on her shawl , as if she were ready for anything that was resolute and uncompromising . traddles buttoned his coat with a determined air . mr . dick , disturbed by these formidable appearances , but feeling it necessary to imitate them , pulled his hat , with both hands , as firmly over his ears as he possibly could and instantly took it off again , to welcome mr . micawber . gentlemen , and madam , said mr . micawber , good morning . my dear sir , to mr . dick , who shook hands with him violently , you are extremely good . have you breakfasted . said mr . dick . have a chop . not for the world , my good sir . cried mr . micawber , stopping him on his way to the bell appetite and myself , mr . dixon , have long been strangers . mr . dixon was so well pleased with his new name , and appeared to think it so obliging in mr . micawber to confer it upon him , that he shook hands with him again , and laughed rather childishly . dick , said my aunt , attention . mr . dick recovered himself , with a blush . now , sir , said my aunt to mr . micawber , as she put on her gloves , we are ready for mount vesuvius , or anything else , as soon as you please . madam , returned mr . micawber , i trust you will shortly witness an eruption . mr . traddles , i have your permission , i believe , to mention here that we have been in communication together . it is undoubtedly the fact , copperfield , said traddles , to whom i looked in surprise . mr . micawber has consulted me in reference to what he has in contemplation and i have advised him to the best of my judgement . unless i deceive myself , mr . traddles , pursued mr . micawber , what i contemplate is a disclosure of an important nature . highly so , said traddles . perhaps , under such circumstances , madam and gentlemen , said mr . micawber , you will do me the favour to submit yourselves , for the moment , to the direction of one who , however unworthy to be regarded in any other light but as a waif and stray upon the shore of human nature , is still your fellow man, , though crushed out of his original form by individual errors , and the accumulative force of a combination of circumstances . we have perfect confidence in you , mr . micawber , said i , and will do what you please . mr . copperfield , returned mr . micawber , your confidence is not , at the existing juncture , ill bestowed . i would beg to be allowed a start of five minutes by the clock and then to receive the present company , inquiring for miss wickfield , at the office of wickfield and heep , whose stipendiary i am . my aunt and i looked at traddles , who nodded his approval . i have no more , observed mr . micawber , to say at present . with which , to my infinite surprise , he included us all in a comprehensive bow , and disappeared his manner being extremely distant , and his face extremely pale . traddles only smiled , and shook his head with his hair standing upright on the top of it , when i looked to him for an explanation so i took out my watch , and , as a last resource , counted off the five minutes . my aunt , with her own watch in her hand , did the like . when the time was expired , traddles gave her his arm and we all went out together to the old house , without saying one word on the way . we found mr . micawber at his desk , in the turret office on the ground floor , either writing , or pretending to write , hard . the large office ruler was stuck into his waistcoat , and was not so well concealed but that a foot or more of that instrument protruded from his bosom , like a new kind of shirt frill . as it appeared to me that i was expected to speak , i said aloud how do you do , mr . micawber . mr . copperfield , said mr . micawber , gravely , i hope i see you well . is miss wickfield at home . said i . mr . wickfield is unwell in bed , sir , of a rheumatic fever , he returned but miss wickfield , i have no doubt , will be happy to see old friends . will you walk in , sir . he preceded us to the dining room first room i had entered in that house  flinging open the door of mr . wickfields former office , said , in a sonorous voice miss trotwood , mr . david copperfield , mr . thomas traddles , and mr . dixon . i had not seen uriah heep since the time of the blow . our visit astonished him , evidently not the less , i dare say , because it astonished ourselves . he did not gather his eyebrows together , for he had none worth mentioning but he frowned to that degree that he almost closed his small eyes , while the hurried raising of his grisly hand to his chin betrayed some trepidation or surprise . this was only when we were in the act of entering his room , and when i caught a glance at him over my aunts shoulder . a moment afterwards , he was as fawning and as humble as ever . well , i am sure , he said . this is indeed an unexpected pleasure . to have , as i may say , all friends round st . pauls at once , is a treat unlooked for . mr . copperfield , i hope i see you well , and  i may umbly express myself so  towards them as is ever your friends , whether or not . mrs . copperfield , sir , i hope shes getting on . we have been made quite uneasy by the poor accounts we have had of her state , lately , i do assure you . i felt ashamed to let him take my hand , but i did not know yet what else to do . things are changed in this office , miss trotwood , since i was an umble clerk , and held your pony aint they . said uriah , with his sickliest smile . but i am not changed , miss trotwood . well , sir , returned my aunt , to tell you the truth , i think you are pretty constant to the promise of your youth if thats any satisfaction to you . thank you , miss trotwood , said uriah , writhing in his ungainly manner , for your good opinion . micawber , tell em to let miss agnes know  mother . mother will be quite in a state , when she sees the present company . said uriah , setting chairs . you are not busy , mr . heep . said traddles , whose eye the cunning red eye accidentally caught , as it at once scrutinized and evaded us . no , mr . traddles , replied uriah , resuming his official seat , and squeezing his bony hands , laid palm to palm between his bony knees . not so much so as i could wish . but lawyers , sharks , and leeches , are not easily satisfied , you know . not but what myself and micawber have our hands pretty full , in general , on account of mr . wickfields being hardly fit for any occupation , sir . but its a pleasure as well as a duty , i am sure , to work for him . youve not been intimate with mr . wickfield , i think , mr . traddles . i believe ive only had the honour of seeing you once myself . no , i have not been intimate with mr . wickfield , returned traddles or i might perhaps have waited on you long ago , mr . heep . there was something in the tone of this reply , which made uriah look at the speaker again , with a very sinister and suspicious expression . but , seeing only traddles , with his good natured face , simple manner , and hair on end , he dismissed it as he replied , with a jerk of his whole body , but especially his throat i am sorry for that , mr . traddles . you would have admired him as much as we all do . his little failings would only have endeared him to you the more . but if you would like to hear my fellow partner eloquently spoken of , i should refer you to copperfield . the family is a subject hes very strong upon , if you never heard him . i was prevented from disclaiming the compliment if i should have done so , in any case , by the entrance of agnes , now ushered in by mr . micawber . she was not quite so self possessed as usual , i thought and had evidently undergone anxiety and fatigue . but her earnest cordiality , and her quiet beauty , shone with the gentler lustre for it . i saw uriah watch her while she greeted us and he reminded me of an ugly and rebellious genie watching a good spirit . in the meanwhile , some slight sign passed between mr . micawber and traddles and traddles , unobserved except by me , went out . dont wait , micawber , said uriah . mr . micawber , with his hand upon the ruler in his breast , stood erect before the door , most unmistakably contemplating one of his fellow men, , and that man his employer . what are you waiting for . said uriah . micawber . did you hear me tell you not to wait . yes . replied the immovable mr . micawber . then why do you wait . said uriah . because i  short , choose , replied mr . micawber , with a burst . uriahs cheeks lost colour , and an unwholesome paleness , still faintly tinged by his pervading red , overspread them . he looked at mr . micawber attentively , with his whole face breathing short and quick in every feature . you are a dissipated fellow , as all the world knows , he said , with an effort at a smile , and i am afraid youll oblige me to get rid of you . go along . ill talk to you presently . if there is a scoundrel on this earth , said mr . micawber , suddenly breaking out again with the utmost vehemence , with whom i have already talked too much , that scoundrels name is  . uriah fell back , as if he had been struck or stung . looking slowly round upon us with the darkest and wickedest expression that his face could wear , he said , in a lower voice oho . this is a conspiracy . you have met here by appointment . you are playing booty with my clerk , are you , copperfield . now , take care . youll make nothing of this . we understand each other , you and me . theres no love between us . you were always a puppy with a proud stomach , from your first coming here and you envy me my rise , do you . none of your plots against me ill counterplot you . micawber , you be off . ill talk to you presently . mr . micawber , said i , there is a sudden change in this fellow , in more respects than the extraordinary one of his speaking the truth in one particular , which assures me that he is brought to bay . deal with him as he deserves . you are a precious set of people , aint you . said uriah , in the same low voice , and breaking out into a clammy heat , which he wiped from his forehead , with his long lean hand , to buy over my clerk , who is the very scum of society  , you yourself were , copperfield , you know it , before anyone had charity on you  , defame me with his lies . miss trotwood , you had better stop this or ill stop your husband shorter than will be pleasant to you . i wont know your story professionally , for nothing , old lady . miss wickfield , if you have any love for your father , you had better not join that gang . ill ruin him , if you do . now , come . i have got some of you under the harrow . think twice , before it goes over you . think twice , you , micawber , if you dont want to be crushed . i recommend you to take yourself off , and be talked to presently , you fool . while theres time to retreat . wheres mother . he said , suddenly appearing to notice , with alarm , the absence of traddles , and pulling down the bell rope . fine doings in a persons own house . mrs . heep is here , sir , said traddles , returning with that worthy mother of a worthy son . i have taken the liberty of making myself known to her . who are you to make yourself known . retorted uriah . and what do you want here . i am the agent and friend of mr . wickfield , sir , said traddles , in a composed and business like way . and i have a power of attorney from him in my pocket , to act for him in all matters . the old ass has drunk himself into a state of dotage , said uriah , turning uglier than before , and it has been got from him by fraud . something has been got from him by fraud , i know , returned traddles quietly and so do you , mr . heep . we will refer that question , if you please , to mr . micawber . ury  . mrs . heep began , with an anxious gesture . you hold your tongue , mother , he returned least said , soonest mended . but , my ury  will you hold your tongue , mother , and leave it to me . though i had long known that his servility was false , and all his pretences knavish and hollow , i had no adequate conception of the extent of his hypocrisy , until i now saw him with his mask off . the suddenness with which he dropped it , when he perceived that it was useless to him the malice , insolence , and hatred , he revealed the leer with which he exulted , even at this moment , in the evil he had done  this time being desperate too , and at his wits end for the means of getting the better of us  perfectly consistent with the experience i had of him , at first took even me by surprise , who had known him so long , and disliked him so heartily . i say nothing of the look he conferred on me , as he stood eyeing us , one after another for i had always understood that he hated me , and i remembered the marks of my hand upon his cheek . but when his eyes passed on to agnes , and i saw the rage with which he felt his power over her slipping away , and the exhibition , in their disappointment , of the odious passions that had led him to aspire to one whose virtues he could never appreciate or care for , i was shocked by the mere thought of her having lived , an hour , within sight of such a man . after some rubbing of the lower part of his face , and some looking at us with those bad eyes , over his grisly fingers , he made one more address to me , half whining , and half abusive . you think it justifiable , do you , copperfield , you who pride yourself so much on your honour and all the rest of it , to sneak about my place , eaves dropping with my clerk . if it had been me , i shouldnt have wondered for i dont make myself out a gentleman though i never was in the streets either , as you were , according to micawber , but being you . youre not afraid of doing this , either . you dont think at all of what i shall do , in return or of getting yourself into trouble for conspiracy and so forth . very well . we shall see . mr . whats your , you were going to refer some question to micawber . theres your referee . why dont you make him speak . he has learnt his lesson , i see . seeing that what he said had no effect on me or any of us , he sat on the edge of his table with his hands in his pockets , and one of his splay feet twisted round the other leg , waiting doggedly for what might follow . mr . micawber , whose impetuosity i had restrained thus far with the greatest difficulty , and who had repeatedly interposed with the first syllable of scoun drel . without getting to the second , now burst forward , drew the ruler from his breast apparently as a defensive weapon , and produced from his pocket a foolscap document , folded in the form of a large letter . opening this packet , with his old flourish , and glancing at the contents , as if he cherished an artistic admiration of their style of composition , he began to read as follows dear miss trotwood and gentlemen  bless and save the man . exclaimed my aunt in a low voice . hed write letters by the ream , if it was a capital offence . mr . micawber , without hearing her , went on . in appearing before you to denounce probably the most consummate villain that has ever existed , mr . micawber , without looking off the letter , pointed the ruler , like a ghostly truncheon , at uriah heep , i ask no consideration for myself . the victim , from my cradle , of pecuniary liabilities to which i have been unable to respond , i have ever been the sport and toy of debasing circumstances . ignominy , want , despair , and madness , have , collectively or separately , been the attendants of my career . the relish with which mr . micawber described himself as a prey to these dismal calamities , was only to be equalled by the emphasis with which he read his letter and the kind of homage he rendered to it with a roll of his head , when he thought he had hit a sentence very hard indeed . in an accumulation of ignominy , want , despair , and madness , i entered the office  , as our lively neighbour the gaul would term it , the bureau  the firm , nominally conducted under the appellation of wickfield and  , but in reality , wielded by  alone . heep , and only heep , is the mainspring of that machine . heep , and only heep , is the forger and the cheat . uriah , more blue than white at these words , made a dart at the letter , as if to tear it in pieces . mr . micawber , with a perfect miracle of dexterity or luck , caught his advancing knuckles with the ruler , and disabled his right hand . it dropped at the wrist , as if it were broken . the blow sounded as if it had fallen on wood . the devil take you . said uriah , writhing in a new way with pain . ill be even with you . approach me again , you  heep of infamy , gasped mr . micawber , and if your head is human , ill break it . come on , come on . i think i never saw anything more ridiculous  was sensible of it , even at the time  mr . micawber making broad sword guards with the ruler , and crying , come on . while traddles and i pushed him back into a corner , from which , as often as we got him into it , he persisted in emerging again . his enemy , muttering to himself , after wringing his wounded hand for sometime , slowly drew off his neck kerchief and bound it up then held it in his other hand , and sat upon his table with his sullen face looking down . mr . micawber , when he was sufficiently cool , proceeded with his letter . the stipendiary emoluments in consideration of which i entered into the service of  , always pausing before that word and uttering it with astonishing vigour , were not defined , beyond the pittance of twenty two shillings and six per week . the rest was left contingent on the value of my professional exertions in other and more expressive words , on the baseness of my nature , the cupidity of my motives , the poverty of my family , the general moral resemblance between myself and  . need i say , that it soon became necessary for me to solicit from  advances towards the support of mrs . micawber , and our blighted but rising family . need i say that this necessity had been foreseen by  . that those advances were secured by i . o . u . s and other similar acknowledgements , known to the legal institutions of this country . and that i thus became immeshed in the web he had spun for my reception . mr . micawbers enjoyment of his epistolary powers , in describing this unfortunate state of things , really seemed to outweigh any pain or anxiety that the reality could have caused him . he read on then it was that  to favour me with just so much of his confidence , as was necessary to the discharge of his infernal business . then it was that i began , if i may so shakespearianly express myself , to dwindle , peak , and pine . i found that my services were constantly called into requisition for the falsification of business , and the mystification of an individual whom i will designate as mr . w . that mr . w . was imposed upon , kept in ignorance , and deluded , in every possible way yet , that all this while , the ruffian  professing unbounded gratitude to , and unbounded friendship for , that much abused gentleman . this was bad enough but , as the philosophic dane observes , with that universal applicability which distinguishes the illustrious ornament of the elizabethan era , worse remains behind . mr . micawber was so very much struck by this happy rounding off with a quotation , that he indulged himself , and us , with a second reading of the sentence , under pretence of having lost his place . it is not my intention , he continued reading on , to enter on a detailed list , within the compass of the present epistle though it is ready elsewhere , of the various malpractices of a minor nature , affecting the individual whom i have denominated mr . w . to which i have been a tacitly consenting party . my object , when the contest within myself between stipend and no stipend , baker and no baker , existence and non existence, , ceased , was to take advantage of my opportunities to discover and expose the major malpractices committed , to that gentlemans grievous wrong and injury , by  . stimulated by the silent monitor within , and by a no less touching and appealing monitor without  whom i will briefly refer as miss w . entered on a not unlaborious task of clandestine investigation , protracted  , to the best of my knowledge , information , and belief , over a period exceeding twelve calendar months . he read this passage as if it were from an act of parliament and appeared majestically refreshed by the sound of the words . my charges against  , he read on , glancing at him , and drawing the ruler into a convenient position under his left arm , in case of need , are as follows . we all held our breath , i think . i am sure uriah held his . first , said mr . micawber , when mr . w . s faculties and memory for business became , through causes into which it is not necessary or expedient for me to enter , weakened and confused  , perplexed and complicated the whole of the official transactions . when mr . w . was least fit to enter on business  , was always at hand to force him to enter on it . he obtained mr . w . s signature under such circumstances to documents of importance , representing them to be other documents of no importance . he induced mr . w . to empower him to draw out , thus , one particular sum of trust money, , amounting to twelve six fourteen , two and nine , and employed it to meet pretended business charges and deficiencies which were either already provided for , or had never really existed . he gave this proceeding , throughout , the appearance of having originated in mr . w . s own dishonest intention , and of having been accomplished by mr . w . s own dishonest act and has used it , ever since , to torture and constrain him . you shall prove this , you copperfield . said uriah , with a threatening shake of the head . all in good time . ask  . traddles , who lived in his house after him , said mr . micawber , breaking off from the letter will you . the fool himself  lives there now , said uriah , disdainfully . ask  he ever kept a pocket book in that house , said mr . micawber will you . i saw uriahs lank hand stop , involuntarily , in the scraping of his chin . or ask him , said mr . micawber , if he ever burnt one there . if he says yes , and asks you where the ashes are , refer him to wilkins micawber , and he will hear of something not at all to his advantage . the triumphant flourish with which mr . micawber delivered himself of these words , had a powerful effect in alarming the mother who cried out , in much agitation ury , . be umble , and make terms , my dear . mother . he retorted , will you keep quiet . youre in a fright , and dont know what you say or mean . umble . he repeated , looking at me , with a snarl ive umbled some of em for a pretty long time back , umble as i was . mr . micawber , genteelly adjusting his chin in his cravat , presently proceeded with his composition . second . heep has , on several occasions , to the best of my knowledge , information , and belief  but that wont do , muttered uriah , relieved . mother , you keep quiet . we will endeavour to provide something that will do , and do for you finally , sir , very shortly , replied mr . micawber . second . heep has , on several occasions , to the best of my knowledge , information , and belief , systematically forged , to various entries , books , and documents , the signature of mr . w . and has distinctly done so in one instance , capable of proof by me . to wit , in manner following , that is to say again , mr . micawber had a relish in this formal piling up of words , which , however ludicrously displayed in his case , was , i must say , not at all peculiar to him . i have observed it , in the course of my life , in numbers of men . it seems to me to be a general rule . in the taking of legal oaths , for instance , deponents seem to enjoy themselves mightily when they come to several good words in succession , for the expression of one idea as , that they utterly detest , abominate , and abjure , or so forth and the old anathemas were made relishing on the same principle . we talk about the tyranny of words , but we like to tyrannize over them too we are fond of having a large superfluous establishment of words to wait upon us on great occasions we think it looks important , and sounds well . as we are not particular about the meaning of our liveries on state occasions , if they be but fine and numerous enough , so , the meaning or necessity of our words is a secondary consideration , if there be but a great parade of them . and as individuals get into trouble by making too great a show of liveries , or as slaves when they are too numerous rise against their masters , so i think i could mention a nation that has got into many great difficulties , and will get into many greater , from maintaining too large a retinue of words . mr . micawber read on , almost smacking his lips to wit , in manner following , that is to say . mr . w . being infirm , and it being within the bounds of probability that his decease might lead to some discoveries , and to the downfall of  over the w . family  , i , wilkins micawber , the undersigned , assume  the filial affection of his daughter could be secretly influenced from allowing any investigation of the partnership affairs to be ever made , the said  it expedient to have a bond ready by him , as from mr . w . for the before mentioned sum of twelve six fourteen , two and nine , with interest , stated therein to have been advanced by  mr . w . to save mr . w . from dishonour though really the sum was never advanced by him , and has long been replaced . the signatures to this instrument purporting to be executed by mr . w . and attested by wilkins micawber , are forgeries by  . i have , in my possession , in his hand and pocket book, , several similar imitations of mr . w . s signature , here and there defaced by fire , but legible to anyone . i never attested any such document . and i have the document itself , in my possession . uriah heep , with a start , took out of his pocket a bunch of keys , and opened a certain drawer then , suddenly bethought himself of what he was about , and turned again towards us , without looking in it . and i have the document , mr . micawber read again , looking about as if it were the text of a sermon , in my possession  , is to say , i had , early this morning , when this was written , but have since relinquished it to mr . traddles . it is quite true , assented traddles . ury , . cried the mother , be umble and make terms . i know my son will be umble , gentlemen , if youll give him time to think . mr . copperfield , im sure you know that he was always very umble , sir . it was singular to see how the mother still held to the old trick , when the son had abandoned it as useless . mother , he said , with an impatient bite at the handkerchief in which his hand was wrapped , you had better take and fire a loaded gun at me . but i love you , ury , cried mrs . heep . and i have no doubt she did or that he loved her , however strange it may appear though , to be sure , they were a congenial couple . and i cant bear to hear you provoking the gentlemen , and endangering of yourself more . i told the gentleman at first , when he told me upstairs it was come to light , that i would answer for your being umble , and making amends . oh , see how umble i am , gentlemen , and dont mind him . why , theres copperfield , mother , he angrily retorted , pointing his lean finger at me , against whom all his animosity was levelled , as the prime mover in the discovery and i did not undeceive him theres copperfield , would have given you a hundred pound to say less than youve blurted out . i cant help it , ury , cried his mother . i cant see you running into danger , through carrying your head so high . better be umble , as you always was . he remained for a little , biting the handkerchief , and then said to me with a scowl what more have you got to bring forward . if anything , go on with it . what do you look at me for . mr . micawber promptly resumed his letter , glad to revert to a performance with which he was so highly satisfied . third . and last . i am now in a condition to show , by  books , and  memoranda , beginning with the partially destroyed pocket book which i was unable to comprehend , at the time of its accidental discovery by mrs . micawber , on our taking possession of our present abode , in the locker or bin devoted to the reception of the ashes calcined on our domestic hearth , that the weaknesses , the faults , the very virtues , the parental affections , and the sense of honour , of the unhappy mr . w . have been for years acted on by , and warped to the base purposes of  . that mr . w . has been for years deluded and plundered , in every conceivable manner , to the pecuniary aggrandisement of the avaricious , false , and grasping  . that the engrossing object of  , next to gain , to subdue mr . and miss w . of his ulterior views in reference to the latter i say nothing entirely to himself . that his last act , completed but a few months since , was to induce mr . w . to execute a relinquishment of his share in the partnership , and even a bill of sale on the very furniture of his house , in consideration of a certain annuity , to be well and truly paid by  the four common quarter days in each and every year . that these meshes beginning with alarming and falsified accounts of the estate of which mr . w . is the receiver , at a period when mr . w . had launched into imprudent and ill judged speculations , and may not have had the money , for which he was morally and legally responsible , in hand going on with pretended borrowings of money at enormous interest , really coming from  by  obtained or withheld from mr . w . himself , on pretence of such speculations or otherwise perpetuated by a miscellaneous catalogue of unscrupulous chicaneries  thickened , until the unhappy mr . w . could see no world beyond . bankrupt , as he believed , alike in circumstances , in all other hope , and in honour , his sole reliance was upon the monster in the garb of man  , . micawber made a good deal of this , as a new turn of expression  , by making himself necessary to him , had achieved his destruction . all this i undertake to show . probably much more . i whispered a few words to agnes , who was weeping , half joyfully , half sorrowfully , at my side and there was a movement among us , as if mr . micawber had finished . he said , with exceeding gravity , pardon me , and proceeded , with a mixture of the lowest spirits and the most intense enjoyment , to the peroration of his letter . i have now concluded . it merely remains for me to substantiate these accusations and then , with my ill starred family , to disappear from the landscape on which we appear to be an encumbrance . that is soon done . it may be reasonably inferred that our baby will first expire of inanition , as being the frailest member of our circle and that our twins will follow next in order . so be it . for myself , my canterbury pilgrimage has done much imprisonment on civil process , and want , will soon do more . i trust that the labour and hazard of an investigation  which the smallest results have been slowly pieced together , in the pressure of arduous avocations , under grinding penurious apprehensions , at rise of morn , at dewy eve , in the shadows of night , under the watchful eye of one whom it were superfluous to call demon  with the struggle of parental poverty to turn it , when completed , to the right account , may be as the sprinkling of a few drops of sweet water on my funeral pyre . i ask no more . let it be , in justice , merely said of me , as of a gallant and eminent naval hero , with whom i have no pretensions to cope , that what i have done , i did , in despite of mercenary and selfish objects , for england , home , and beauty . remaining always , c . c . wilkins micawber . much affected , but still intensely enjoying himself , mr . micawber folded up his letter , and handed it with a bow to my aunt , as something she might like to keep . there was , as i had noticed on my first visit long ago , an iron safe in the room . the key was in it . a hasty suspicion seemed to strike uriah and , with a glance at mr . micawber , he went to it , and threw the doors clanking open . it was empty . where are the books . he cried , with a frightful face . some thief has stolen the books . mr . micawber tapped himself with the ruler . i did , when i got the key from you as usual  a little earlier  opened it this morning . dont be uneasy , said traddles . they have come into my possession . i will take care of them , under the authority i mentioned . you receive stolen goods , do you . cried uriah . under such circumstances , answered traddles , yes . what was my astonishment when i beheld my aunt , who had been profoundly quiet and attentive , make a dart at uriah heep , and seize him by the collar with both hands . you know what i want . said my aunt . a strait waistcoat, , said he . no . my property . returned my aunt . agnes , my dear , as long as i believed it had been really made away with by your father , i wouldnt  , my dear , i didnt , even to trot , as he knows  a syllable of its having been placed here for investment . but , now i know this fellows answerable for it , and ill have it . trot , come and take it away from him . whether my aunt supposed , for the moment , that he kept her property in his neck kerchief, , i am sure i dont know but she certainly pulled at it as if she thought so . i hastened to put myself between them , and to assure her that we would all take care that he should make the utmost restitution of everything he had wrongly got . this , and a few moments reflection , pacified her but she was not at all disconcerted by what she had done and resumed her seat composedly . during the last few minutes , mrs . heep had been clamouring to her son to be umble and had been going down on her knees to all of us in succession , and making the wildest promises . her son sat her down in his chair and , standing sulkily by her , holding her arm with his hand , but not rudely , said to me , with a ferocious look what do you want done . i will tell you what must be done , said traddles . has that copperfield no tongue . muttered uriah , i would do a good deal for you if you could tell me , without lying , that somebody had cut it out . my uriah means to be umble . cried his mother . dont mind what he says , good gentlemen . what must be done , said traddles , is this . first , the deed of relinquishment , that we have heard of , must be given over to me now  . suppose i havent got it , he interrupted . but you have , said traddles therefore , you know , we wont suppose so . and i cannot help avowing that this was the first occasion on which i really did justice to the clear head , and the plain , patient , practical good sense , of my old schoolfellow . then , said traddles , you must prepare to disgorge all that your rapacity has become possessed of , and to make restoration to the last farthing . all the partnership books and papers must remain in our possession all your books and papers all money accounts and securities , of both kinds . in short , everything here . must it . i dont know that , said uriah . i must have time to think about that . certainly , replied traddles but , in the meanwhile , and until everything is done to our satisfaction , we shall maintain possession of these things and beg you  short , compel you  keep to your own room , and hold no communication with anyone . i wont do it . said uriah , with an oath . maidstone jail is a safer place of detention , observed traddles and though the law may be longer in righting us , and may not be able to right us so completely as you can , there is no doubt of its punishing you . dear me , you know that quite as well as i . copperfield , will you go round to the guildhall , and bring a couple of officers . here , mrs . heep broke out again , crying on her knees to agnes to interfere in their behalf , exclaiming that he was very humble , and it was all true , and if he didnt do what we wanted , she would , and much more to the same purpose being half frantic with fears for her darling . to inquire what he might have done , if he had any boldness , would be like inquiring what a mongrel cur might do , if it had the spirit of a tiger . he was a coward , from head to foot and showed his dastardly nature through his sullenness and mortification , as much as at any time of his mean life . stop . he growled to me and wiped his hot face with his hand . mother , hold your noise . well . let em have that deed . go and fetch it . do you help her , mr . dick , said traddles , if you please . proud of his commission , and understanding it , mr . dick accompanied her as a shepherds dog might accompany a sheep . but , mrs . heep gave him little trouble for she not only returned with the deed , but with the box in which it was , where we found a bankers book and some other papers that were afterwards serviceable . good . said traddles , when this was brought . now , mr . heep , you can retire to think particularly observing , if you please , that i declare to you , on the part of all present , that there is only one thing to be done that it is what i have explained and that it must be done without delay . uriah , without lifting his eyes from the ground , shuffled across the room with his hand to his chin , and pausing at the door , said copperfield , i have always hated you . youve always been an upstart , and youve always been against me . as i think i told you once before , said i , it is you who have been , in your greed and cunning , against all the world . it may be profitable to you to reflect , in future , that there never were greed and cunning in the world yet , that did not do too much , and overreach themselves . it is as certain as death . or as certain as they used to teach at school the same school where i picked up so much umbleness , from nine oclock to eleven , that labour was a curse and from eleven oclock to one , that it was a blessing and a cheerfulness , and a dignity , and i dont know what all , eh . said he with a sneer . you preach , about as consistent as they did . wont umbleness go down . i shouldnt have got round my gentleman fellow partner without it , i think . you old bully , ill pay you . mr . micawber , supremely defiant of him and his extended finger , and making a great deal of his chest until he had slunk out at the door , then addressed himself to me , and proffered me the satisfaction of witnessing the re establishment of mutual confidence between himself and mrs . micawber . after which , he invited the company generally to the contemplation of that affecting spectacle . the veil that has long been interposed between mrs . micawber and myself , is now withdrawn , said mr . micawber and my children and the author of their being can once more come in contact on equal terms . as we were all very grateful to him , and all desirous to show that we were , as well as the hurry and disorder of our spirits would permit , i dare say we should all have gone , but that it was necessary for agnes to return to her father , as yet unable to bear more than the dawn of hope and for someone else to hold uriah in safe keeping . so , traddles remained for the latter purpose , to be presently relieved by mr . dick and mr . dick , my aunt , and i , went home with mr . micawber . as i parted hurriedly from the dear girl to whom i owed so much , and thought from what she had been saved , perhaps , that morning  better resolution notwithstanding  felt devoutly thankful for the miseries of my younger days which had brought me to the knowledge of mr . micawber . his house was not far off and as the street door opened into the sitting room, , and he bolted in with a precipitation quite his own , we found ourselves at once in the bosom of the family . mr . micawber exclaiming , emma . my life . rushed into mrs . micawbers arms . mrs . micawber shrieked , and folded mr . micawber in her embrace . miss micawber , nursing the unconscious stranger of mrs . micawbers last letter to me , was sensibly affected . the stranger leaped . the twins testified their joy by several inconvenient but innocent demonstrations . master micawber , whose disposition appeared to have been soured by early disappointment , and whose aspect had become morose , yielded to his better feelings , and blubbered . emma . said mr . micawber . the cloud is past from my mind . mutual confidence , so long preserved between us once , is restored , to know no further interruption . now , welcome poverty . cried mr . micawber , shedding tears . welcome misery , welcome houselessness , welcome hunger , rags , tempest , and beggary . mutual confidence will sustain us to the end . with these expressions , mr . micawber placed mrs . micawber in a chair , and embraced the family all round welcoming a variety of bleak prospects , which appeared , to the best of my judgement , to be anything but welcome to them and calling upon them to come out into canterbury and sing a chorus , as nothing else was left for their support . but mrs . micawber having , in the strength of her emotions , fainted away , the first thing to be done , even before the chorus could be considered complete , was to recover her . this my aunt and mr . micawber did and then my aunt was introduced , and mrs . micawber recognized me . excuse me , dear mr . copperfield , said the poor lady , giving me her hand , but i am not strong and the removal of the late misunderstanding between mr . micawber and myself was at first too much for me . is this all your family , maam . said my aunt . there are no more at present , returned mrs . micawber . good gracious , i didnt mean that , maam , said my aunt . i mean , are all these yours . madam , replied mr . micawber , it is a true bill . and that eldest young gentleman , now , said my aunt , musing , what has he been brought up to . it was my hope when i came here , said mr . micawber , to have got wilkins into the church or perhaps i shall express my meaning more strictly , if i say the choir . but there was no vacancy for a tenor in the venerable pile for which this city is so justly eminent and he has  short , he has contracted a habit of singing in public houses, , rather than in sacred edifices . but he means well , said mrs . micawber , tenderly . i dare say , my love , rejoined mr . micawber , that he means particularly well but i have not yet found that he carries out his meaning , in any given direction whatsoever . master micawbers moroseness of aspect returned upon him again , and he demanded , with some temper , what he was to do . whether he had been born a carpenter , or a coach painter, , any more than he had been born a bird . whether he could go into the next street , and open a chemists shop . whether he could rush to the next assizes , and proclaim himself a lawyer . whether he could come out by force at the opera , and succeed by violence . whether he could do anything , without being brought up to something . my aunt mused a little while , and then said mr . micawber , i wonder you have never turned your thoughts to emigration . madam , returned mr . micawber , it was the dream of my youth , and the fallacious aspiration of my riper years . i am thoroughly persuaded , by the by , that he had never thought of it in his life . aye . said my aunt , with a glance at me . why , what a thing it would be for yourselves and your family , mr . and mrs . micawber , if you were to emigrate now . capital , madam , capital , urged mr . micawber , gloomily . that is the principal , i may say the only difficulty , my dear mr . copperfield , assented his wife . capital . cried my aunt . but you are doing us a great service  done us a great service , i may say , for surely much will come out of the fire  what could we do for you , that would be half so good as to find the capital . i could not receive it as a gift , said mr . micawber , full of fire and animation , but if a sufficient sum could be advanced , say at five per cent interest , per annum , upon my personal liability  my notes of hand , at twelve , eighteen , and twenty four months , respectively , to allow time for something to turn up  could be . can be and shall be , on your own terms , returned my aunt , if you say the word . think of this now , both of you . here are some people david knows , going out to australia shortly . if you decide to go , why shouldnt you go in the same ship . you may help each other . think of this now , mr . and mrs . micawber . take your time , and weigh it well . there is but one question , my dear maam , i could wish to ask , said mrs . micawber . the climate , i believe , is healthy . finest in the world . said my aunt . just so , returned mrs . micawber . then my question arises . now , are the circumstances of the country such , that a man of mr . micawbers abilities would have a fair chance of rising in the social scale . i will not say , at present , might he aspire to be governor , or anything of that sort but would there be a reasonable opening for his talents to develop themselves  would be amply sufficient  find their own expansion . no better opening anywhere , said my aunt , for a man who conducts himself well , and is industrious . for a man who conducts himself well , repeated mrs . micawber , with her clearest business manner , and is industrious . precisely . it is evident to me that australia is the legitimate sphere of action for mr . micawber . i entertain the conviction , my dear madam , said mr . micawber , that it is , under existing circumstances , the land , the only land , for myself and family and that something of an extraordinary nature will turn up on that shore . it is no distance  speaking and though consideration is due to the kindness of your proposal , i assure you that is a mere matter of form . shall i ever forget how , in a moment , he was the most sanguine of men , looking on to fortune or how mrs . micawber presently discoursed about the habits of the kangaroo . shall i ever recall that street of canterbury on a market day, , without recalling him , as he walked back with us expressing , in the hardy roving manner he assumed , the unsettled habits of a temporary sojourner in the land and looking at the bullocks , as they came by , with the eye of an australian farmer . chapter . another retrospect i must pause yet once again . o , my child wife, , there is a figure in the moving crowd before my memory , quiet and still , saying in its innocent love and childish beauty , stop to think of me  to look upon the little blossom , as it flutters to the ground . i do . all else grows dim , and fades away . i am again with dora , in our cottage . i do not know how long she has been ill . i am so used to it in feeling , that i cannot count the time . it is not really long , in weeks or months but , in my usage and experience , it is a weary , while . they have left off telling me to wait a few days more . i have begun to fear , remotely , that the day may never shine , when i shall see my child wife running in the sunlight with her old friend jip . he is , as it were suddenly , grown very old . it may be that he misses in his mistress , something that enlivened him and made him younger but he mopes , and his sight is weak , and his limbs are feeble , and my aunt is sorry that he objects to her no more , but creeps near her as he lies on doras bed  sitting at the bedside  mildly licks her hand . dora lies smiling on us , and is beautiful , and utters no hasty or complaining word . she says that we are very good to her that her dear old careful boy is tiring himself out , she knows that my aunt has no sleep , yet is always wakeful , active , and kind . sometimes , the little bird like ladies come to see her and then we talk about our wedding day, , and all that happy time . what a strange rest and pause in my life there seems to be  in all life , within doors and without  i sit in the quiet , shaded , orderly room , with the blue eyes of my child wife turned towards me , and her little fingers twining round my hand . many and many an hour i sit thus but , of all those times , three times come the freshest on my mind . it is morning and dora , made so trim by my aunts hands , shows me how her pretty hair will curl upon the pillow yet , an how long and bright it is , and how she likes to have it loosely gathered in that net she wears . not that i am vain of it , now , you mocking boy , she says , when i smile but because you used to say you thought it so beautiful and because , when i first began to think about you , i used to peep in the glass , and wonder whether you would like very much to have a lock of it . oh what a foolish fellow you were , doady , when i gave you one . that was on the day when you were painting the flowers i had given you , dora , and when i told you how much in love i was . ah . but i didnt like to tell you , says dora , then , how i had cried over them , because i believed you really liked me . when i can run about again as i used to do , doady , let us go and see those places where we were such a silly couple , shall we . and take some of the old walks . and not forget poor papa . yes , we will , and have some happy days . so you must make haste to get well , my dear . oh , i shall soon do that . i am so much better , you dont know . it is evening and i sit in the same chair , by the same bed , with the same face turned towards me . we have been silent , and there is a smile upon her face . i have ceased to carry my light burden up and down stairs now . she lies here all the day . doady . my dear dora . you wont think what i am going to say , unreasonable , after what you told me , such a little while ago , of mr . wickfields not being well . i want to see agnes . very much i want to see her . i will write to her , my dear . will you . directly . what a good , kind boy . doady , take me on your arm . indeed , my dear , its not a whim . its not a foolish fancy . i want , very much indeed , to see her . i am certain of it . i have only to tell her so , and she is sure to come . you are very lonely when you go downstairs , now . dora whispers , with her arm about my neck . how can i be otherwise , my own love , when i see your empty chair . my empty chair . she clings to me for a little while , in silence . and you really miss me , doady . looking up , and brightly smiling . even poor , giddy , stupid me . my heart , who is there upon earth that i could miss so much . oh , husband . i am so glad , yet so sorry . creeping closer to me , and folding me in both her arms . she laughs and sobs , and then is quiet , and quite happy . quite . she says . only give agnes my dear love , and tell her that i want very , much to see her and i have nothing left to wish for . except to get well again , dora . ah , doady . sometimes i think  know i always was a silly little thing . that will never be . dont say so , dora . dearest love , dont think so . i wont , if i can help it , doady . but i am very happy though my dear boy is so lonely by himself , before his child wifes empty chair . it is night and i am with her still . agnes has arrived has been among us for a whole day and an evening . she , my aunt , and i , have sat with dora since the morning , all together . we have not talked much , but dora has been perfectly contented and cheerful . we are now alone . do i know , now , that my child wife will soon leave me . they have told me so they have told me nothing new to my thoughts  i am far from sure that i have taken that truth to heart . i cannot master it . i have withdrawn by myself , many times today , to weep . i have remembered who wept for a parting between the living and the dead . i have bethought me of all that gracious and compassionate history . i have tried to resign myself , and to console myself and that , i hope , i may have done imperfectly but what i cannot firmly settle in my mind is , that the end will absolutely come . i hold her hand in mine , i hold her heart in mine , i see her love for me , alive in all its strength . i cannot shut out a pale lingering shadow of belief that she will be spared . i am going to speak to you , doady . i am going to say something i have often thought of saying , lately . you wont mind . with a gentle look . mind , my darling . because i dont know what you will think , or what you may have thought sometimes . perhaps you have often thought the same . doady , dear , i am afraid i was too young . i lay my face upon the pillow by her , and she looks into my eyes , and speaks very softly . gradually , as she goes on , i feel , with a stricken heart , that she is speaking of herself as past . i am afraid , dear , i was too young . i dont mean in years only , but in experience , and thoughts , and everything . i was such a silly little creature . i am afraid it would have been better , if we had only loved each other as a boy and girl , and forgotten it . i have begun to think i was not fit to be a wife . i try to stay my tears , and to reply , oh , dora , love , as fit as i to be a husband . i dont know , with the old shake of her curls . perhaps . but if i had been more fit to be married i might have made you more so , too . besides , you are very clever , and i never was . we have been very happy , my sweet dora . i was very happy , very . but , as years went on , my dear boy would have wearied of his child wife . she would have been less and less a companion for him . he would have been more and more sensible of what was wanting in his home . she wouldnt have improved . it is better as it is . oh , dora , dearest , do not speak to me so . every word seems a reproach . no , not a syllable . she answers , kissing me . oh , my dear , you never deserved it , and i loved you far too well to say a reproachful word to you , in earnest  was all the merit i had , except being pretty  you thought me so . is it lonely , down stairs, , doady . very . very . dont cry . is my chair there . in its old place . oh , how my poor boy cries . hush , . now , make me one promise . i want to speak to agnes . when you go downstairs , tell agnes so , and send her up to me and while i speak to her , let no one come  even aunt . i want to speak to agnes by herself . i want to speak to agnes , quite alone . i promise that she shall , immediately but i cannot leave her , for my grief . i said that it was better as it is . she whispers , as she holds me in her arms . oh , doady , after more years , you never could have loved your child wife better than you do and , after more years , she would so have tried and disappointed you , that you might not have been able to love her half so well . i know i was too young and foolish . it is much better as it is . agnes is downstairs , when i go into the parlour and i give her the message . she disappears , leaving me alone with jip . his chinese house is by the fire and he lies within it , on his bed of flannel , querulously trying to sleep . the bright moon is high and clear . as i look out on the night , my tears fall fast , and my undisciplined heart is chastened heavily  . i sit down by the fire , thinking with a blind remorse of all those secret feelings i have nourished since my marriage . i think of every little trifle between me and dora , and feel the truth , that trifles make the sum of life . ever rising from the sea of my remembrance , is the image of the dear child as i knew her first , graced by my young love , and by her own , with every fascination wherein such love is rich . would it , indeed , have been better if we had loved each other as a boy and a girl , and forgotten it . undisciplined heart , reply . how the time wears , i know not until i am recalled by my child wifes old companion . more restless than he was , he crawls out of his house , and looks at me , and wanders to the door , and whines to go upstairs . not tonight , jip . not tonight . he comes very slowly back to me , licks my hand , and lifts his dim eyes to my face . oh , jip . it may be , never again . he lies down at my feet , stretches himself out as if to sleep , and with a plaintive cry , is dead . oh , agnes . look , here . face , so full of pity , and of grief , that rain of tears , that awful mute appeal to me , that solemn hand upraised towards heaven . agnes . it is over . darkness comes before my eyes and , for a time , all things are blotted out of my remembrance . chapter . mr . micawbers transactions this is not the time at which i am to enter on the state of my mind beneath its load of sorrow . i came to think that the future was walled up before me , that the energy and action of my life were at an end , that i never could find any refuge but in the grave . i came to think so , i say , but not in the first shock of my grief . it slowly grew to that . if the events i go on to relate , had not thickened around me , in the beginning to confuse , and in the end to augment , my affliction , it is possible that i might have fallen at once into this condition . as it was , an interval occurred before i fully knew my own distress an interval , in which i even supposed that its sharpest pangs were past and when my mind could soothe itself by resting on all that was most innocent and beautiful , in the tender story that was closed for ever . when it was first proposed that i should go abroad , or how it came to be agreed among us that i was to seek the restoration of my peace in change and travel , i do not , even now , distinctly know . the spirit of agnes so pervaded all we thought , and said , and did , in that time of sorrow , that i assume i may refer the project to her influence . but her influence was so quiet that i know no more . and now , indeed , i began to think that in my old association of her with the stained glass window in the church , a prophetic foreshadowing of what she would be to me , in the calamity that was to happen in the fullness of time , had found a way into my mind . in all that sorrow , from the moment , never to be forgotten , when she stood before me with her upraised hand , she was like a sacred presence in my lonely house . when the angel of death alighted there , my child wife fell asleep  told me so when i could bear to hear it  her bosom , with a smile . from my swoon , i first awoke to a consciousness of her compassionate tears , her words of hope and peace , her gentle face bending down as from a purer region nearer heaven , over my undisciplined heart , and softening its pain . let me go on . i was to go abroad . that seemed to have been determined among us from the first . the ground now covering all that could perish of my departed wife , i waited only for what mr . micawber called the final pulverization of heep and for the departure of the emigrants . at the request of traddles , most affectionate and devoted of friends in my trouble , we returned to canterbury i mean my aunt , agnes , and i . we proceeded by appointment straight to mr . micawbers house where , and at mr . wickfields , my friend had been labouring ever since our explosive meeting . when poor mrs . micawber saw me come in , my black clothes , she was sensibly affected . there was a great deal of good in mrs . micawbers heart , which had not been dunned out of it in all those many years . well , mr . and mrs . micawber , was my aunts first salutation after we were seated . pray , have you thought about that emigration proposal of mine . my dear madam , returned mr . micawber , perhaps i cannot better express the conclusion at which mrs . micawber , your humble servant , and i may add our children , have jointly and severally arrived , than by borrowing the language of an illustrious poet , to reply that our boat is on the shore , and our bark is on the sea . thats right , said my aunt . i augur all sort of good from your sensible decision . madam , you do us a great deal of honour , he rejoined . he then referred to a memorandum . with respect to the pecuniary assistance enabling us to launch our frail canoe on the ocean of enterprise , i have reconsidered that important business point and would beg to propose my notes of hand  , it is needless to stipulate , on stamps of the amounts respectively required by the various acts of parliament applying to such securities  eighteen , twenty four, , and thirty months . the proposition i originally submitted , was twelve , eighteen , and twenty four but i am apprehensive that such an arrangement might not allow sufficient time for the requisite amount of  turn up . we might not , said mr . micawber , looking round the room as if it represented several hundred acres of highly cultivated land , on the first responsibility becoming due , have been successful in our harvest , or we might not have got our harvest in . labour , i believe , is sometimes difficult to obtain in that portion of our colonial possessions where it will be our lot to combat with the teeming soil . arrange it in any way you please , sir , said my aunt . madam , he replied , mrs . micawber and myself are deeply sensible of the very considerate kindness of our friends and patrons . what i wish is , to be perfectly business like, , and perfectly punctual . turning over , as we are about to turn over , an entirely new leaf and falling back , as we are now in the act of falling back , for a spring of no common magnitude it is important to my sense of self respect, , besides being an example to my son , that these arrangements should be concluded as between man and man . i dont know that mr . micawber attached any meaning to this last phrase i dont know that anybody ever does , or did but he appeared to relish it uncommonly , and repeated , with an impressive cough , as between man and man . i propose , said mr . micawber , bills  convenience to the mercantile world , for which , i believe , we are originally indebted to the jews , who appear to me to have had a devilish deal too much to do with them ever since  they are negotiable . but if a bond , or any other description of security , would be preferred , i should be happy to execute any such instrument . as between man and man . my aunt observed , that in a case where both parties were willing to agree to anything , she took it for granted there would be no difficulty in settling this point . mr . micawber was of her opinion . in reference to our domestic preparations , madam , said mr . micawber , with some pride , for meeting the destiny to which we are now understood to be self devoted, , i beg to report them . my eldest daughter attends at five every morning in a neighbouring establishment , to acquire the process  it may be called  milking cows . my younger children are instructed to observe , as closely as circumstances will permit , the habits of the pigs and poultry maintained in the poorer parts of this city a pursuit from which they have , on two occasions , been brought home , within an inch of being run over . i have myself directed some attention , during the past week , to the art of baking and my son wilkins has issued forth with a walking stick and driven cattle , when permitted , by the rugged hirelings who had them in charge , to render any voluntary service in that direction  i regret to say , for the credit of our nature , was not often he being generally warned , with imprecations , to desist . all very right indeed , said my aunt , encouragingly . mrs . micawber has been busy , too , i have no doubt . my dear madam , returned mrs . micawber , with her business like air . i am free to confess that i have not been actively engaged in pursuits immediately connected with cultivation or with stock , though well aware that both will claim my attention on a foreign shore . such opportunities as i have been enabled to alienate from my domestic duties , i have devoted to corresponding at some length with my family . for i own it seems to me , my dear mr . copperfield , said mrs . micawber , who always fell back on me , i suppose from old habit , to whomsoever else she might address her discourse at starting , that the time is come when the past should be buried in oblivion when my family should take mr . micawber by the hand , and mr . micawber should take my family by the hand when the lion should lie down with the lamb , and my family be on terms with mr . micawber . i said i thought so too . this , at least , is the light , my dear mr . copperfield , pursued mrs . micawber , in which i view the subject . when i lived at home with my papa and mama , my papa was accustomed to ask , when any point was under discussion in our limited circle , in what light does my emma view the subject . that my papa was too partial , i know still , on such a point as the frigid coldness which has ever subsisted between mr . micawber and my family , i necessarily have formed an opinion , delusive though it may be . no doubt . of course you have , maam , said my aunt . precisely so , assented mrs . micawber . now , i may be wrong in my conclusions it is very likely that i am , but my individual impression is , that the gulf between my family and mr . micawber may be traced to an apprehension , on the part of my family , that mr . micawber would require pecuniary accommodation . i cannot help thinking , said mrs . micawber , with an air of deep sagacity , that there are members of my family who have been apprehensive that mr . micawber would solicit them for their names . do not mean to be conferred in baptism upon our children , but to be inscribed on bills of exchange , and negotiated in the money market . the look of penetration with which mrs . micawber announced this discovery , as if no one had ever thought of it before , seemed rather to astonish my aunt who abruptly replied , well , maam , upon the whole , i shouldnt wonder if you were right . mr . micawber being now on the eve of casting off the pecuniary shackles that have so long enthralled him , said mrs . micawber , and of commencing a new career in a country where there is sufficient range for his abilities  , in my opinion , is exceedingly important mr . micawbers abilities peculiarly requiring space  , seems to me that my family should signalize the occasion by coming forward . what i could wish to see , would be a meeting between mr . micawber and my family at a festive entertainment , to be given at my familys expense where mr . micawbers health and prosperity being proposed , by some leading member of my family , mr . micawber might have an opportunity of developing his views . my dear , said mr . micawber , with some heat , it may be better for me to state distinctly , at once , that if i were to develop my views to that assembled group , they would possibly be found of an offensive nature my impression being that your family are , in the aggregate , impertinent snobs and , in detail , unmitigated ruffians . micawber , said mrs . micawber , shaking her head , no . you have never understood them , and they have never understood you . mr . micawber coughed . they have never understood you , micawber , said his wife . they may be incapable of it . if so , that is their misfortune . i can pity their misfortune . i am extremely sorry , my dear emma , said mr . micawber , relenting , to have been betrayed into any expressions that might , even remotely , have the appearance of being strong expressions . all i would say is , that i can go abroad without your family coming forward to favour me  , short , with a parting shove of their cold shoulders and that , upon the whole , i would rather leave england with such impetus as i possess , than derive any acceleration of it from that quarter . at the same time , my dear , if they should condescend to reply to your communications  our joint experience renders most improbable  be it from me to be a barrier to your wishes . the matter being thus amicably settled , mr . micawber gave mrs . micawber his arm , and glancing at the heap of books and papers lying before traddles on the table , said they would leave us to ourselves which they ceremoniously did . my dear copperfield , said traddles , leaning back in his chair when they were gone , and looking at me with an affection that made his eyes red , and his hair all kinds of shapes , i dont make any excuse for troubling you with business , because i know you are deeply interested in it , and it may divert your thoughts . my dear boy , i hope you are not worn out . i am quite myself , said i , after a pause . we have more cause to think of my aunt than of anyone . you know how much she has done . surely , answered traddles . who can forget it . but even that is not all , said i . during the last fortnight , some new trouble has vexed her and she has been in and out of london every day . several times she has gone out early , and been absent until evening . last night , traddles , with this journey before her , it was almost midnight before she came home . you know what her consideration for others is . she will not tell me what has happened to distress her . my aunt , very pale , and with deep lines in her face , sat immovable until i had finished when some stray tears found their way to her cheeks , and she put her hand on mine . its nothing , trot its nothing . there will be no more of it . you shall know by and by . now agnes , my dear , let us attend to these affairs . i must do mr . micawber the justice to say , traddles began , that although he would appear not to have worked to any good account for himself , he is a most untiring man when he works for other people . i never saw such a fellow . if he always goes on in the same way , he must be , virtually , about two hundred years old , at present . the heat into which he has been continually putting himself and the distracted and impetuous manner in which he has been diving , day and night , among papers and books to say nothing of the immense number of letters he has written me between this house and mr . wickfields , and often across the table when he has been sitting opposite , and might much more easily have spoken is quite extraordinary . letters . cried my aunt . i believe he dreams in letters . theres mr . dick , too , said traddles , has been doing wonders . as soon as he was released from overlooking uriah heep , whom he kept in such charge as i never saw exceeded , he began to devote himself to mr . wickfield . and really his anxiety to be of use in the investigations we have been making , and his real usefulness in extracting , and copying , and fetching , and carrying , have been quite stimulating to us . dick is a very remarkable man , exclaimed my aunt and i always said he was . trot , you know it . i am happy to say , miss wickfield , pursued traddles , at once with great delicacy and with great earnestness , that in your absence mr . wickfield has considerably improved . relieved of the incubus that had fastened upon him for so long a time , and of the dreadful apprehensions under which he had lived , he is hardly the same person . at times , even his impaired power of concentrating his memory and attention on particular points of business , has recovered itself very much and he has been able to assist us in making some things clear , that we should have found very difficult indeed , if not hopeless , without him . but what i have to do is to come to results which are short enough not to gossip on all the hopeful circumstances i have observed , or i shall never have done . his natural manner and agreeable simplicity made it transparent that he said this to put us in good heart , and to enable agnes to hear her father mentioned with greater confidence but it was not the less pleasant for that . now , let me see , said traddles , looking among the papers on the table . having counted our funds , and reduced to order a great mass of unintentional confusion in the first place , and of wilful confusion and falsification in the second , we take it to be clear that mr . wickfield might now wind up his business , and his agency trust, , and exhibit no deficiency or defalcation whatever . oh , thank heaven . cried agnes , fervently . but , said traddles , the surplus that would be left as his means of support  i suppose the house to be sold , even in saying this  be so small , not exceeding in all probability some hundreds of pounds , that perhaps , miss wickfield , it would be best to consider whether he might not retain his agency of the estate to which he has so long been receiver . his friends might advise him , you know now he is free . you yourself , miss wickfield  i have considered it , trotwood , said agnes , looking to me , and i feel that it ought not to be , and must not be even on the recommendation of a friend to whom i am so grateful , and owe so much . i will not say that i recommend it , observed traddles . i think it right to suggest it . no more . i am happy to hear you say so , answered agnes , steadily , for it gives me hope , almost assurance , that we think alike . dear mr . traddles and dear trotwood , papa once free with honour , what could i wish for . i have always aspired , if i could have released him from the toils in which he was held , to render back some little portion of the love and care i owe him , and to devote my life to him . it has been , for years , the utmost height of my hopes . to take our future on myself , will be the next great happiness  next to his release from all trust and responsibility  i can know . have you thought how , agnes . often . i am not afraid , dear trotwood . i am certain of success . so many people know me here , and think kindly of me , that i am certain . dont mistrust me . our wants are not many . if i rent the dear old house , and keep a school , i shall be useful and happy . the calm fervour of her cheerful voice brought back so vividly , first the dear old house itself , and then my solitary home , that my heart was too full for speech . traddles pretended for a little while to be busily looking among the papers . next , miss trotwood , said traddles , that property of yours . well , sir , sighed my aunt . all i have got to say about it is , that if its gone , i can bear it and if its not gone , i shall be glad to get it back . it was originally , i think , eight thousand pounds , consols . said traddles . right . replied my aunt . i cant account for more than five , said traddles , with an air of perplexity . do you mean . inquired my aunt , with uncommon composure , or pounds . five thousand pounds , said traddles . it was all there was , returned my aunt . i sold three , myself . one , i paid for your articles , trot , my dear and the other two i have by me . when i lost the rest , i thought it wise to say nothing about that sum , but to keep it secretly for a rainy day . i wanted to see how you would come out of the trial , trot and you came out nobly  , self reliant, , . so did dick . dont speak to me , for i find my nerves a little shaken . nobody would have thought so , to see her sitting upright , with her arms folded but she had wonderful self command . then i am delighted to say , cried traddles , beaming with joy , that we have recovered the whole money . dont congratulate me , anybody . exclaimed my aunt . how so , sir . you believed it had been misappropriated by mr . wickfield . said traddles . of course i did , said my aunt , and was therefore easily silenced . agnes , not a word . and indeed , said traddles , it was sold , by virtue of the power of management he held from you but i neednt say by whom sold , or on whose actual signature . it was afterwards pretended to mr . wickfield , by that rascal  , proved , too , by figures  , he had possessed himself of the money to keep other deficiencies and difficulties from the light . mr . wickfield , being so weak and helpless in his hands as to pay you , afterwards , several sums of interest on a pretended principal which he knew did not exist , made himself , unhappily , a party to the fraud . and at last took the blame upon himself , added my aunt and wrote me a mad letter , charging himself with robbery , and wrong unheard of . upon which i paid him a visit early one morning , called for a candle , burnt the letter , and told him if he ever could right me and himself , to do it and if he couldnt , to keep his own counsel for his daughters sake . anybody speaks to me , ill leave the house . we all remained quiet agnes covering her face . well , my dear friend , said my aunt , after a pause , and you have really extorted the money back from him . why , the fact is , returned traddles , mr . micawber had so completely hemmed him in , and was always ready with so many new points if an old one failed , that he could not escape from us . a most remarkable circumstance is , that i really dont think he grasped this sum even so much for the gratification of his avarice , which was inordinate , as in the hatred he felt for copperfield . he said so to me , plainly . he said he would even have spent as much , to baulk or injure copperfield . ha . said my aunt , knitting her brows thoughtfully , and glancing at agnes . and whats become of him . i dont know . he left here , said traddles , with his mother , who had been clamouring , and beseeching , and disclosing , the whole time . they went away by one of the london night coaches , and i know no more about him except that his malevolence to me at parting was audacious . he seemed to consider himself hardly less indebted to me , than to mr . micawber which i consider quite a compliment . do you suppose he has any money , traddles . i asked . oh dear , yes , i should think so , he replied , shaking his head , seriously . i should say he must have pocketed a good deal , in one way or other . but , i think you would find , copperfield , if you had an opportunity of observing his course , that money would never keep that man out of mischief . he is such an incarnate hypocrite , that whatever object he pursues , he must pursue crookedly . its his only compensation for the outward restraints he puts upon himself . always creeping along the ground to some small end or other , he will always magnify every object in the way and consequently will hate and suspect everybody that comes , in the most innocent manner , between him and it . so the crooked courses will become crookeder , at any moment , for the least reason , or for none . its only necessary to consider his history here , said traddles , to know that . hes a monster of meanness . said my aunt . really i dont know about that , observed traddles thoughtfully . many people can be very mean , when they give their minds to it . and now , touching mr . micawber , said my aunt . well , really , said traddles , cheerfully , i must , once more , give mr . micawber high praise . but for his having been so patient and persevering for so long a time , we never could have hoped to do anything worth speaking of . and i think we ought to consider that mr . micawber did right , for rights sake , when we reflect what terms he might have made with uriah heep himself , for his silence . i think so too , said i . now , what would you give him . inquired my aunt . oh . before you come to that , said traddles , a little disconcerted , i am afraid i thought it discreet to omit not being able to carry everything before me two points , in making this lawless adjustment  its perfectly lawless from beginning to end  a difficult affair . those i . o . u . s , and so forth , which mr . micawber gave him for the advances he had  well . they must be paid , said my aunt . yes , but i dont know when they may be proceeded on , or where they are , rejoined traddles , opening his eyes and i anticipate , that , between this time and his departure , mr . micawber will be constantly arrested , or taken in execution . then he must be constantly set free again , and taken out of execution , said my aunt . whats the amount altogether . why , mr . micawber has entered the transactions  calls them transactions  great form , in a book , rejoined traddles , smiling and he makes the amount a hundred and three pounds , five . now , what shall we give him , that sum included . said my aunt . agnes , my dear , you and i can talk about division of it afterwards . what should it be . five hundred pounds . upon this , traddles and i both struck in at once . we both recommended a small sum in money , and the payment , without stipulation to mr . micawber , of the uriah claims as they came in . we proposed that the family should have their passage and their outfit , and a hundred pounds and that mr . micawbers arrangement for the repayment of the advances should be gravely entered into , as it might be wholesome for him to suppose himself under that responsibility . to this , i added the suggestion , that i should give some explanation of his character and history to mr . peggotty , who i knew could be relied on and that to mr . peggotty should be quietly entrusted the discretion of advancing another hundred . i further proposed to interest mr . micawber in mr . peggotty , by confiding so much of mr . peggottys story to him as i might feel justified in relating , or might think expedient and to endeavour to bring each of them to bear upon the other , for the common advantage . we all entered warmly into these views and i may mention at once , that the principals themselves did so , shortly afterwards , with perfect good will and harmony . seeing that traddles now glanced anxiously at my aunt again , i reminded him of the second and last point to which he had adverted . you and your aunt will excuse me , copperfield , if i touch upon a painful theme , as i greatly fear i shall , said traddles , hesitating but i think it necessary to bring it to your recollection . on the day of mr . micawbers memorable denunciation a threatening allusion was made by uriah heep to your aunts  . my aunt , retaining her stiff position , and apparent composure , assented with a nod . perhaps , observed traddles , it was mere purposeless impertinence . no , returned my aunt . there was  me  such a person , and at all in his power . hinted traddles . yes , my good friend , said my aunt . traddles , with a perceptible lengthening of his face , explained that he had not been able to approach this subject that it had shared the fate of mr . micawbers liabilities , in not being comprehended in the terms he had made that we were no longer of any authority with uriah heep and that if he could do us , or any of us , any injury or annoyance , no doubt he would . my aunt remained quiet until again some stray tears found their way to her cheeks . you are quite right , she said . it was very thoughtful to mention it . can i  copperfield  anything . asked traddles , gently . nothing , said my aunt . i thank you many times . trot , my dear , a vain threat . let us have mr . and mrs . micawber back . and dont any of you speak to me . with that she smoothed her dress , and sat , with her upright carriage , looking at the door . well , mr . and mrs . micawber . said my aunt , when they entered . we have been discussing your emigration , with many apologies to you for keeping you out of the room so long and ill tell you what arrangements we propose . these she explained to the unbounded satisfaction of the family  , and all being then present  , so much to the awakening of mr . micawbers punctual habits in the opening stage of all bill transactions , that he could not be dissuaded from immediately rushing out , in the highest spirits , to buy the stamps for his notes of hand . but , his joy received a sudden check for within five minutes , he returned in the custody of a sheriff s officer , informing us , in a flood of tears , that all was lost . we , being quite prepared for this event , which was of course a proceeding of uriah heeps , soon paid the money and in five minutes more mr . micawber was seated at the table , filling up the stamps with an expression of perfect joy , which only that congenial employment , or the making of punch , could impart in full completeness to his shining face . to see him at work on the stamps , with the relish of an artist , touching them like pictures , looking at them sideways , taking weighty notes of dates and amounts in his pocket book, , and contemplating them when finished , with a high sense of their precious value , was a sight indeed . now , the best thing you can do , sir , if youll allow me to advise you , said my aunt , after silently observing him , is to abjure that occupation for evermore . madam , replied mr . micawber , it is my intention to register such a vow on the virgin page of the future . mrs . micawber will attest it . i trust , said mr . micawber , solemnly , that my son wilkins will ever bear in mind , that he had infinitely better put his fist in the fire , than use it to handle the serpents that have poisoned the life blood of his unhappy parent . deeply affected , and changed in a moment to the image of despair , mr . micawber regarded the serpents with a look of gloomy abhorrence folded them up and put them in his pocket . this closed the proceedings of the evening . we were weary with sorrow and fatigue , and my aunt and i were to return to london on the morrow . it was arranged that the micawbers should follow us , after effecting a sale of their goods to a broker that mr . wickfields affairs should be brought to a settlement , with all convenient speed , under the direction of traddles and that agnes should also come to london , pending those arrangements . we passed the night at the old house , which , freed from the presence of the heeps , seemed purged of a disease and i lay in my old room , like a shipwrecked wanderer come home . we went back next day to my aunts house  to mine  when she and i sat alone , as of old , before going to bed , she said trot , do you really wish to know what i have had upon my mind lately . indeed i do , aunt . if there ever was a time when i felt unwilling that you should have a sorrow or anxiety which i could not share , it is now . you have had sorrow enough , child , said my aunt , affectionately , without the addition of my little miseries . i could have no other motive , trot , in keeping anything from you . i know that well , said i . but tell me now . would you ride with me a little way tomorrow morning . asked my aunt . of course . at nine , said she . ill tell you then , my dear . at nine , accordingly , we went out in a little chariot , and drove to london . we drove a long way through the streets , until we came to one of the large hospitals . standing hard by the building was a plain hearse . the driver recognized my aunt , and , in obedience to a motion of her hand at the window , drove slowly off we following . you understand it now , trot , said my aunt . he is gone . did he die in the hospital . yes . she sat immovable beside me but , again i saw the stray tears on her face . he was there once before , said my aunt presently . he was ailing a long time  shattered , broken man , these many years . when he knew his state in this last illness , he asked them to send for me . he was sorry then . very sorry . you went , i know , aunt . i went . i was with him a good deal afterwards . he died the night before we went to canterbury . said i . my aunt nodded . no one can harm him now , she said . it was a vain threat . we drove away , out of town , to the churchyard at hornsey . better here than in the streets , said my aunt . he was born here . we alighted and followed the plain coffin to a corner i remember well , where the service was read consigning it to the dust . six and years ago , this day , my dear , said my aunt , as we walked back to the chariot , i was married . god forgive us all . we took our seats in silence and so she sat beside me for a long time , holding my hand . at length she suddenly burst into tears , and said he was a fine looking man when i married him , trot  he was sadly changed . it did not last long . after the relief of tears , she soon became composed , and even cheerful . her nerves were a little shaken , she said , or she would not have given way to it . god forgive us all . so we rode back to her little cottage at highgate , where we found the following short note , which had arrived by that mornings post from mr . micawber canterbury , friday . my dear madam , and copperfield , the fair land of promise lately looming on the horizon is again enveloped in impenetrable mists , and for ever withdrawn from the eyes of a drifting wretch whose doom is sealed . another writ has been issued in his majestys high court of kings bench at westminster , in another cause of heep v . micawber , and the defendant in that cause is the prey of the sheriff having legal jurisdiction in this bailiwick . nows the day , and nows the hour , see the front of battle lower , see approach proud edwards power  chains and slavery . consigned to which , and to a speedy end for mental torture is not supportable beyond a certain point , and that point i feel i have attained , my course is run . bless you , bless you . some future traveller , visiting , from motives of curiosity , not unmingled , let us hope , with sympathy , the place of confinement allotted to debtors in this city , may , and i trust will , ponder , as he traces on its wall , inscribed with a rusty nail , the obscure initials , w . m . p . s . i re open this to say that our common friend , mr . thomas traddles has paid the debt and costs , in the noble name of miss trotwood and that myself and family are at the height of earthly bliss . chapter . tempest i now approach an event in my life , so indelible , so awful , so bound by an infinite variety of ties to all that has preceded it , in these pages , that , from the beginning of my narrative , i have seen it growing larger and larger as i advanced , like a great tower in a plain , and throwing its fore cast shadow even on the incidents of my childish days . for years after it occurred , i dreamed of it often . i have started up so vividly impressed by it , that its fury has yet seemed raging in my quiet room , in the still night . i dream of it sometimes , though at lengthened and uncertain intervals , to this hour . i have an association between it and a stormy wind , or the lightest mention of a sea shore, , as strong as any of which my mind is conscious . as plainly as i behold what happened , i will try to write it down . i do not recall it , but see it done for it happens again before me . the time drawing on rapidly for the sailing of the emigrant ship, , my good old nurse came up to london . i was constantly with her , and her brother , and the micawbers but emily i never saw . one evening when the time was close at hand , i was alone with peggotty and her brother . our conversation turned on ham . she described to us how tenderly he had taken leave of her , and how manfully and quietly he had borne himself . most of all , of late , when she believed he was most tried . it was a subject of which the affectionate creature never tired and our interest in hearing the many examples which she , who was so much with him , had to relate , was equal to hers in relating them . my aunt and i were at that time vacating the two cottages at highgate i intending to go abroad , and she to return to her house at dover . we had a temporary lodging in covent garden . as i walked home to it , after this evenings conversation , reflecting on what had passed between ham and myself when i was last at yarmouth , i wavered in the original purpose i had formed , of leaving a letter for emily when i should take leave of her uncle on board the ship , and thought it would be better to write to her now . she might desire , i thought , after receiving my communication , to send some parting word by me to her unhappy lover . i ought to give her the opportunity . i therefore sat down in my room , before going to bed , and wrote to her . i told her that i had seen him , and that he had requested me to tell her what i have already written in its place in these sheets . i faithfully repeated it . i had no need to enlarge upon it , if i had the right . its deep fidelity and goodness were not to be adorned by me or any man . i left it out , to be sent round in the morning with a line to mr . peggotty , requesting him to give it to her and went to bed at daybreak . i was weaker than i knew then and , not falling asleep until the sun was up , lay late , and unrefreshed , next day . i was roused by the silent presence of my aunt at my bedside . i felt it in my sleep , as i suppose we all do feel such things . trot , my dear , she said , when i opened my eyes , i couldnt make up my mind to disturb you . mr . peggotty is here shall he come up . i replied yes , and he soon appeared . masr davy , he said , when we had shaken hands , i giv emly your letter , sir , and she writ this heer and begged of me fur to ask you to read it , and if you see no hurt int , to be so kind as take charge ont . have you read it . said i . he nodded sorrowfully . i opened it , and read as follows i have got your message . oh , what can i write , to thank you for your good and blessed kindness to me . i have put the words close to my heart . i shall keep them till i die . they are sharp thorns , but they are such comfort . i have prayed over them , oh , i have prayed so much . when i find what you are , and what uncle is , i think what god must be , and can cry to him . good bye for ever . now , my dear , my friend , good bye for ever in this world . in another world , if i am forgiven , i may wake a child and come to you . all thanks and blessings . farewell , evermore . this , blotted with tears , was the letter . may i tell her as you doent see no hurt int , and as youll be so kind as take charge ont , masr davy . said mr . peggotty , when i had read it . unquestionably , said i  am thinking  yes , masr davy . i am thinking , said i , that ill go down again to yarmouth . theres time , and to spare , for me to go and come back before the ship sails . my mind is constantly running on him , in his solitude to put this letter of her writing in his hand at this time , and to enable you to tell her , in the moment of parting , that he has got it , will be a kindness to both of them . i solemnly accepted his commission , dear good fellow , and cannot discharge it too completely . the journey is nothing to me . i am restless , and shall be better in motion . ill go down tonight . though he anxiously endeavoured to dissuade me , i saw that he was of my mind and this , if i had required to be confirmed in my intention , would have had the effect . he went round to the coach office , at my request , and took the box seat for me on the mail . in the evening i started , by that conveyance , down the road i had traversed under so many vicissitudes . dont you think that , i asked the coachman , in the first stage out of london , a very remarkable sky . i dont remember to have seen one like it . nor i  equal to it , he replied . thats wind , sir . therell be mischief done at sea , i expect , before long . it was a murky confusion  and there blotted with a colour like the colour of the smoke from damp fuel  flying clouds , tossed up into most remarkable heaps , suggesting greater heights in the clouds than there were depths below them to the bottom of the deepest hollows in the earth , through which the wild moon seemed to plunge headlong , as if , in a dread disturbance of the laws of nature , she had lost her way and were frightened . there had been a wind all day and it was rising then , with an extraordinary great sound . in another hour it had much increased , and the sky was more overcast , and blew hard . but , as the night advanced , the clouds closing in and densely over spreading the whole sky , then very dark , it came on to blow , harder and harder . it still increased , until our horses could scarcely face the wind . many times , in the dark part of the night it was then late in september , when the nights were not short , the leaders turned about , or came to a dead stop and we were often in serious apprehension that the coach would be blown over . sweeping gusts of rain came up before this storm , like showers of steel and , at those times , when there was any shelter of trees or lee walls to be got , we were fain to stop , in a sheer impossibility of continuing the struggle . when the day broke , it blew harder and harder . i had been in yarmouth when the seamen said it blew great guns , but i had never known the like of this , or anything approaching to it . we came to ipswich  late , having had to fight every inch of ground since we were ten miles out of london and found a cluster of people in the market place, , who had risen from their beds in the night , fearful of falling chimneys . some of these , congregating about the inn yard while we changed horses , told us of great sheets of lead having been ripped off a high church tower, , and flung into a by street, , which they then blocked up . others had to tell of country people , coming in from neighbouring villages , who had seen great trees lying torn out of the earth , and whole ricks scattered about the roads and fields . still , there was no abatement in the storm , but it blew harder . as we struggled on , nearer and nearer to the sea , from which this mighty wind was blowing dead on shore , its force became more and more terrific . long before we saw the sea , its spray was on our lips , and showered salt rain upon us . the water was out , over miles and miles of the flat country adjacent to yarmouth and every sheet and puddle lashed its banks , and had its stress of little breakers setting heavily towards us . when we came within sight of the sea , the waves on the horizon , caught at intervals above the rolling abyss , were like glimpses of another shore with towers and buildings . when at last we got into the town , the people came out to their doors , all aslant , and with streaming hair , making a wonder of the mail that had come through such a night . i put up at the old inn , and went down to look at the sea staggering along the street , which was strewn with sand and seaweed , and with flying blotches of sea foam afraid of falling slates and tiles and holding by people i met , at angry corners . coming near the beach , i saw , not only the boatmen , but half the people of the town , lurking behind buildings some , now and then braving the fury of the storm to look away to sea , and blown sheer out of their course in trying to get zigzag back . joining these groups , i found bewailing women whose husbands were away in herring or oyster boats , which there was too much reason to think might have foundered before they could run in anywhere for safety . grizzled old sailors were among the people , shaking their heads , as they looked from water to sky , and muttering to one another ship owners, , excited and uneasy children , huddling together , and peering into older faces even stout mariners , disturbed and anxious , levelling their glasses at the sea from behind places of shelter , as if they were surveying an enemy . the tremendous sea itself , when i could find sufficient pause to look at it , in the agitation of the blinding wind , the flying stones and sand , and the awful noise , confounded me . as the high watery walls came rolling in , and , at their highest , tumbled into surf , they looked as if the least would engulf the town . as the receding wave swept back with a hoarse roar , it seemed to scoop out deep caves in the beach , as if its purpose were to undermine the earth . when some white headed billows thundered on , and dashed themselves to pieces before they reached the land , every fragment of the late whole seemed possessed by the full might of its wrath , rushing to be gathered to the composition of another monster . undulating hills were changed to valleys , undulating valleys were lifted up to hills masses of water shivered and shook the beach with a booming sound every shape tumultuously rolled on , as soon as made , to change its shape and place , and beat another shape and place away the ideal shore on the horizon , with its towers and buildings , rose and fell the clouds fell fast and thick i seemed to see a rending and upheaving of all nature . not finding ham among the people whom this memorable wind  it is still remembered down there , as the greatest ever known to blow upon that coast  brought together , i made my way to his house . it was shut and as no one answered to my knocking , i went , by back ways and by lanes, , to the yard where he worked . i learned , there , that he had gone to lowestoft , to meet some sudden exigency of ship repairing in which his skill was required but that he would be back tomorrow morning , in good time . i went back to the inn and when i had washed and dressed , and tried to sleep , but in vain , it was five oclock in the afternoon . i had not sat five minutes by the coffee room fire , when the waiter , coming to stir it , as an excuse for talking , told me that two colliers had gone down , with all hands , a few miles away and that some other ships had been seen labouring hard in the roads , and trying , in great distress , to keep off shore . mercy on them , and on all poor sailors , said he , if we had another night like the last . i was very much depressed in spirits very solitary and felt an uneasiness in hams not being there , disproportionate to the occasion . i was seriously affected , without knowing how much , by late events and my long exposure to the fierce wind had confused me . there was that jumble in my thoughts and recollections , that i had lost the clear arrangement of time and distance . thus , if i had gone out into the town , i should not have been surprised , i think , to encounter someone who i knew must be then in london . so to speak , there was in these respects a curious inattention in my mind . yet it was busy , too , with all the remembrances the place naturally awakened and they were particularly distinct and vivid . in this state , the waiters dismal intelligence about the ships immediately connected itself , without any effort of my volition , with my uneasiness about ham . i was persuaded that i had an apprehension of his returning from lowestoft by sea , and being lost . this grew so strong with me , that i resolved to go back to the yard before i took my dinner , and ask the boat builder if he thought his attempting to return by sea at all likely . if he gave me the least reason to think so , i would go over to lowestoft and prevent it by bringing him with me . i hastily ordered my dinner , and went back to the yard . i was none too soon for the boat builder, , with a lantern in his hand , was locking the yard gate . he quite laughed when i asked him the question , and said there was no fear no man in his senses , or out of them , would put off in such a gale of wind , least of all ham peggotty , who had been born to seafaring . so sensible of this , beforehand , that i had really felt ashamed of doing what i was nevertheless impelled to do , i went back to the inn . if such a wind could rise , i think it was rising . the howl and roar , the rattling of the doors and windows , the rumbling in the chimneys , the apparent rocking of the very house that sheltered me , and the prodigious tumult of the sea , were more fearful than in the morning . but there was now a great darkness besides and that invested the storm with new terrors , real and fanciful . i could not eat , i could not sit still , i could not continue steadfast to anything . something within me , faintly answering to the storm without , tossed up the depths of my memory and made a tumult in them . yet , in all the hurry of my thoughts , wild running with the thundering sea  , storm , and my uneasiness regarding ham were always in the fore ground . my dinner went away almost untasted , and i tried to refresh myself with a glass or two of wine . in vain . i fell into a dull slumber before the fire , without losing my consciousness , either of the uproar out of doors , or of the place in which i was . both became overshadowed by a new and indefinable horror and when i awoke  rather when i shook off the lethargy that bound me in my chair  whole frame thrilled with objectless and unintelligible fear . i walked to and fro , tried to read an old gazetteer , listened to the awful noises looked at faces , scenes , and figures in the fire . at length , the steady ticking of the undisturbed clock on the wall tormented me to that degree that i resolved to go to bed . it was reassuring , on such a night , to be told that some of the inn servants had agreed together to sit up until morning . i went to bed , exceedingly weary and heavy but , on my lying down , all such sensations vanished , as if by magic , and i was broad awake , with every sense refined . for hours i lay there , listening to the wind and water imagining , now , that i heard shrieks out at sea now , that i distinctly heard the firing of signal guns and now , the fall of houses in the town . i got up , several times , and looked out but could see nothing , except the reflection in the window panes of the faint candle i had left burning , and of my own haggard face looking in at me from the black void . at length , my restlessness attained to such a pitch , that i hurried on my clothes , and went downstairs . in the large kitchen , where i dimly saw bacon and ropes of onions hanging from the beams , the watchers were clustered together , in various attitudes , about a table , purposely moved away from the great chimney , and brought near the door . a pretty girl , who had her ears stopped with her apron , and her eyes upon the door , screamed when i appeared , supposing me to be a spirit but the others had more presence of mind , and were glad of an addition to their company . one man , referring to the topic they had been discussing , asked me whether i thought the souls of the collier crews who had gone down , were out in the storm . i remained there , i dare say , two hours . once , i opened the yard gate, , and looked into the empty street . the sand , the sea weed, , and the flakes of foam , were driving by and i was obliged to call for assistance before i could shut the gate again , and make it fast against the wind . there was a dark gloom in my solitary chamber , when i at length returned to it but i was tired now , and , getting into bed again , fell  a tower and down a precipice  the depths of sleep . i have an impression that for a long time , though i dreamed of being elsewhere and in a variety of scenes , it was always blowing in my dream . at length , i lost that feeble hold upon reality , and was engaged with two dear friends , but who they were i dont know , at the siege of some town in a roar of cannonading . the thunder of the cannon was so loud and incessant , that i could not hear something i much desired to hear , until i made a great exertion and awoke . it was broad day  or nine oclock the storm raging , in lieu of the batteries and someone knocking and calling at my door . what is the matter . i cried . a wreck . close by . i sprung out of bed , and asked , what wreck . a schooner , from spain or portugal , laden with fruit and wine . make haste , sir , if you want to see her . its thought , down on the beach , shell go to pieces every moment . the excited voice went clamouring along the staircase and i wrapped myself in my clothes as quickly as i could , and ran into the street . numbers of people were there before me , all running in one direction , to the beach . i ran the same way , outstripping a good many , and soon came facing the wild sea . the wind might by this time have lulled a little , though not more sensibly than if the cannonading i had dreamed of , had been diminished by the silencing of half a guns out of hundreds . but the sea , having upon it the additional agitation of the whole night , was infinitely more terrific than when i had seen it last . every appearance it had then presented , bore the expression of being swelled and the height to which the breakers rose , and , looking over one another , bore one another down , and rolled in , interminable hosts , was most appalling . in the difficulty of hearing anything but wind and waves , and in the crowd , and the unspeakable confusion , and my first breathless efforts to stand against the weather , i was so confused that i looked out to sea for the wreck , and saw nothing but the foaming heads of the great waves . a half dressed boatman , standing next me , pointed with his bare arm to the left . then , o great heaven , i saw it , close in upon us . one mast was broken short off , six or eight feet from the deck , and lay over the side , entangled in a maze of sail and rigging and all that ruin , as the ship rolled and beat  she did without a moments pause , and with a violence quite inconceivable  the side as if it would stave it in . some efforts were even then being made , to cut this portion of the wreck away for , as the ship , which was broadside on , turned towards us in her rolling , i plainly descried her people at work with axes , especially one active figure with long curling hair , conspicuous among the rest . but a great cry , which was audible even above the wind and water , rose from the shore at this moment the sea , sweeping over the rolling wreck , made a clean breach , and carried men , spars , casks , planks , bulwarks , heaps of such toys , into the boiling surge . the second mast was yet standing , with the rags of a rent sail , and a wild confusion of broken cordage flapping to and fro . the ship had struck once , the same boatman hoarsely said in my ear , and then lifted in and struck again . i understood him to add that she was parting amidships , and i could readily suppose so , for the rolling and beating were too tremendous for any human work to suffer long . as he spoke , there was another great cry of pity from the beach four men arose with the wreck out of the deep , clinging to the rigging of the remaining mast uppermost , the active figure with the curling hair . there was a bell on board and as the ship rolled and dashed , like a desperate creature driven mad , now showing us the whole sweep of her deck , as she turned on her beam ends towards the shore , now nothing but her keel , as she sprung wildly over and turned towards the sea , the bell rang and its sound , the knell of those unhappy men , was borne towards us on the wind . again we lost her , and again she rose . two men were gone . the agony on the shore increased . men groaned , and clasped their hands women shrieked , and turned away their faces . some ran wildly up and down along the beach , crying for help where no help could be . i found myself one of these , frantically imploring a knot of sailors whom i knew , not to let those two lost creatures perish before our eyes . they were making out to me , in an agitated way  dont know how , for the little i could hear i was scarcely composed enough to understand  the lifeboat had been bravely manned an hour ago , and could do nothing and that as no man would be so desperate as to attempt to wade off with a rope , and establish a communication with the shore , there was nothing left to try when i noticed that some new sensation moved the people on the beach , and saw them part , and ham come breaking through them to the front . i ran to him  well as i know , to repeat my appeal for help . but , distracted though i was , by a sight so new to me and terrible , the determination in his face , and his look out to sea  the same look as i remembered in connexion with the morning after emilys flight  me to a knowledge of his danger . i held him back with both arms and implored the men with whom i had been speaking , not to listen to him , not to do murder , not to let him stir from off that sand . another cry arose on shore and looking to the wreck , we saw the cruel sail , with blow on blow , beat off the lower of the two men , and fly up in triumph round the active figure left alone upon the mast . against such a sight , and against such determination as that of the calmly desperate man who was already accustomed to lead half the people present , i might as hopefully have entreated the wind . masr davy , he said , cheerily grasping me by both hands , if my time is come , tis come . if tant , ill bide it . lord above bless you , and bless all . mates , make me ready . im a going off . i was swept away , but not unkindly , to some distance , where the people around me made me stay urging , as i confusedly perceived , that he was bent on going , with help or without , and that i should endanger the precautions for his safety by troubling those with whom they rested . i dont know what i answered , or what they rejoined but i saw hurry on the beach , and men running with ropes from a capstan that was there , and penetrating into a circle of figures that hid him from me . then , i saw him standing alone , in a seamans frock and trousers a rope in his hand , or slung to his wrist another round his body and several of the best men holding , at a little distance , to the latter , which he laid out himself , slack upon the shore , at his feet . the wreck , even to my unpractised eye , was breaking up . i saw that she was parting in the middle , and that the life of the solitary man upon the mast hung by a thread . still , he clung to it . he had a singular red cap on  , like a sailors cap , but of a finer colour and as the few yielding planks between him and destruction rolled and bulged , and his anticipative death knell rung , he was seen by all of us to wave it . i saw him do it now , and thought i was going distracted , when his action brought an old remembrance to my mind of a once dear friend . ham watched the sea , standing alone , with the silence of suspended breath behind him , and the storm before , until there was a great retiring wave , when , with a backward glance at those who held the rope which was made fast round his body , he dashed in after it , and in a moment was buffeting with the water rising with the hills , falling with the valleys , lost beneath the foam then drawn again to land . they hauled in hastily . he was hurt . i saw blood on his face , from where i stood but he took no thought of that . he seemed hurriedly to give them some directions for leaving him more free  so i judged from the motion of his arm  was gone as before . and now he made for the wreck , rising with the hills , falling with the valleys , lost beneath the rugged foam , borne in towards the shore , borne on towards the ship , striving hard and valiantly . the distance was nothing , but the power of the sea and wind made the strife deadly . at length he neared the wreck . he was so near , that with one more of his vigorous strokes he would be clinging to it  , a high , green , vast hill side of water , moving on shoreward , from beyond the ship , he seemed to leap up into it with a mighty bound , and the ship was gone . some eddying fragments i saw in the sea , as if a mere cask had been broken , in running to the spot where they were hauling in . consternation was in every face . they drew him to my very feet  . he was carried to the nearest house and , no one preventing me now , i remained near him , busy , while every means of restoration were tried but he had been beaten to death by the great wave , and his generous heart was stilled for ever . as i sat beside the bed , when hope was abandoned and all was done , a fisherman , who had known me when emily and i were children , and ever since , whispered my name at the door . sir , said he , with tears starting to his weather beaten face , which , with his trembling lips , was ashy pale , will you come over yonder . the old remembrance that had been recalled to me , was in his look . i asked him , terror stricken, , leaning on the arm he held out to support me has a body come ashore . he said , yes . do i know it . i asked then . he answered nothing . but he led me to the shore . and on that part of it where she and i had looked for shells , two children  that part of it where some lighter fragments of the old boat , blown down last night , had been scattered by the wind  the ruins of the home he had wronged  saw him lying with his head upon his arm , as i had often seen him lie at school . chapter . the new wound , and the old no need , o steerforth , to have said , when we last spoke together , in that hour which i so little deemed to be our parting hour need to have said , think of me at my best . i had done that ever and could i change now , looking on this sight . they brought a hand bier, , and laid him on it , and covered him with a flag , and took him up and bore him on towards the houses . all the men who carried him had known him , and gone sailing with him , and seen him merry and bold . they carried him through the wild roar , a hush in the midst of all the tumult and took him to the cottage where death was already . but when they set the bier down on the threshold , they looked at one another , and at me , and whispered . i knew why . they felt as if it were not right to lay him down in the same quiet room . we went into the town , and took our burden to the inn . so soon as i could at all collect my thoughts , i sent for joram , and begged him to provide me a conveyance in which it could be got to london in the night . i knew that the care of it , and the hard duty of preparing his mother to receive it , could only rest with me and i was anxious to discharge that duty as faithfully as i could . i chose the night for the journey , that there might be less curiosity when i left the town . but , although it was nearly midnight when i came out of the yard in a chaise , followed by what i had in charge , there were many people waiting . at intervals , along the town , and even a little way out upon the road , i saw more but at length only the bleak night and the open country were around me , and the ashes of my youthful friendship . upon a mellow autumn day , about noon , when the ground was perfumed by fallen leaves , and many more , in beautiful tints of yellow , red , and brown , yet hung upon the trees , through which the sun was shining , i arrived at highgate . i walked the last mile , thinking as i went along of what i had to do and left the carriage that had followed me all through the night , awaiting orders to advance . the house , when i came up to it , looked just the same . not a blind was raised no sign of life was in the dull paved court , with its covered way leading to the disused door . the wind had quite gone down , and nothing moved . i had not , at first , the courage to ring at the gate and when i did ring , my errand seemed to me to be expressed in the very sound of the bell . the little parlour maid came out , with the key in her hand and looking earnestly at me as she unlocked the gate , said i beg your pardon , sir . are you ill . i have been much agitated , and am fatigued . is anything the matter , sir .  . james . hush . said i . yes , something has happened , that i have to break to mrs . steerforth . she is at home . the girl anxiously replied that her mistress was very seldom out now , even in a carriage that she kept her room that she saw no company , but would see me . her mistress was up , she said , and miss dartle was with her . what message should she take upstairs . giving her a strict charge to be careful of her manner , and only to carry in my card and say i waited , i sat down in the drawing room which we had now reached until she should come back . its former pleasant air of occupation was gone , and the shutters were half closed . the harp had not been used for many and many a day . his picture , as a boy , was there . the cabinet in which his mother had kept his letters was there . i wondered if she ever read them now if she would ever read them more . the house was so still that i heard the girls light step upstairs . on her return , she brought a message , to the effect that mrs . steerforth was an invalid and could not come down but that if i would excuse her being in her chamber , she would be glad to see me . in a few moments i stood before her . she was in his room not in her own . i felt , of course , that she had taken to occupy it , in remembrance of him and that the many tokens of his old sports and accomplishments , by which she was surrounded , remained there , just as he had left them , for the same reason . she murmured , however , even in her reception of me , that she was out of her own chamber because its aspect was unsuited to her infirmity and with her stately look repelled the least suspicion of the truth . at her chair , as usual , was rosa dartle . from the first moment of her dark eyes resting on me , i saw she knew i was the bearer of evil tidings . the scar sprung into view that instant . she withdrew herself a step behind the chair , to keep her own face out of mrs . steerforths observation and scrutinized me with a piercing gaze that never faltered , never shrunk . i am sorry to observe you are in mourning , sir , said mrs . steerforth . i am unhappily a widower , said i . you are very young to know so great a loss , she returned . i am grieved to hear it . i am grieved to hear it . i hope time will be good to you . i hope time , said i , looking at her , will be good to all of us . dear mrs . steerforth , we must all trust to that , in our heaviest misfortunes . the earnestness of my manner , and the tears in my eyes , alarmed her . the whole course of her thoughts appeared to stop , and change . i tried to command my voice in gently saying his name , but it trembled . she repeated it to herself , two or three times , in a low tone . then , addressing me , she said , with enforced calmness my son is ill . very ill . you have seen him . i have . are you reconciled . i could not say yes , i could not say no . she slightly turned her head towards the spot where rosa dartle had been standing at her elbow , and in that moment i said , by the motion of my lips , to rosa , dead . that mrs . steerforth might not be induced to look behind her , and read , plainly written , what she was not yet prepared to know , i met her look quickly but i had seen rosa dartle throw her hands up in the air with vehemence of despair and horror , and then clasp them on her face . the handsome lady  like , oh so like . me with a fixed look , and put her hand to her forehead . i besought her to be calm , and prepare herself to bear what i had to tell but i should rather have entreated her to weep , for she sat like a stone figure . when i was last here , i faltered , miss dartle told me he was sailing here and there . the night before last was a dreadful one at sea . if he were at sea that night , and near a dangerous coast , as it is said he was and if the vessel that was seen should really be the ship which  rosa . said mrs . steerforth , come to me . she came , but with no sympathy or gentleness . her eyes gleamed like fire as she confronted his mother , and broke into a frightful laugh . now , she said , is your pride appeased , you madwoman . now has he made atonement to you  his life . do you hear . life . mrs . steerforth , fallen back stiffly in her chair , and making no sound but a moan , cast her eyes upon her with a wide stare . aye . cried rosa , smiting herself passionately on the breast , look at me . moan , and groan , and look at me . look here . striking the scar , at your dead childs handiwork . the moan the mother uttered , from time to time , went to my heart . always the same . always inarticulate and stifled . always accompanied with an incapable motion of the head , but with no change of face . always proceeding from a rigid mouth and closed teeth , as if the jaw were locked and the face frozen up in pain . do you remember when he did this . she proceeded . do you remember when , in his inheritance of your nature , and in your pampering of his pride and passion , he did this , and disfigured me for life . look at me , marked until i die with his high displeasure and moan and groan for what you made him . miss dartle , i entreated her . for heavens sake  i will speak . she said , turning on me with her lightning eyes . be silent , you . look at me , i say , proud mother of a proud , false son . moan for your nurture of him , moan for your corruption of him , moan for your loss of him , moan for mine . she clenched her hand , and trembled through her spare , worn figure , as if her passion were killing her by inches . you , resent his self will . she exclaimed . you , injured by his haughty temper . you , who opposed to both , when your hair was grey , the qualities which made both when you gave him birth . you , who from his cradle reared him to be what he was , and stunted what he should have been . are you rewarded , now , for your years of trouble . oh , miss dartle , shame . oh cruel . i tell you , she returned , i will speak to her . no power on earth should stop me , while i was standing here . have i been silent all these years , and shall i not speak now . i loved him better than you ever loved him . turning on her fiercely . i could have loved him , and asked no return . if i had been his wife , i could have been the slave of his caprices for a word of love a year . i should have been . who knows it better than i . you were exacting , proud , punctilious , selfish . my love would have been devoted  have trod your paltry whimpering under foot . with flashing eyes , she stamped upon the ground as if she actually did it . look here . she said , striking the scar again , with a relentless hand . when he grew into the better understanding of what he had done , he saw it , and repented of it . i could sing to him , and talk to him , and show the ardour that i felt in all he did , and attain with labour to such knowledge as most interested him and i attracted him . when he was freshest and truest , he loved me . yes , he did . many a time , when you were put off with a slight word , he has taken me to his heart . she said it with a taunting pride in the midst of her frenzy  it was little less  with an eager remembrance of it , in which the smouldering embers of a gentler feeling kindled for the moment . i descended  i might have known i should , but that he fascinated me with his boyish courtship  a doll , a trifle for the occupation of an idle hour , to be dropped , and taken up , and trifled with , as the inconstant humour took him . when he grew weary , i grew weary . as his fancy died out , i would no more have tried to strengthen any power i had , than i would have married him on his being forced to take me for his wife . we fell away from one another without a word . perhaps you saw it , and were not sorry . since then , i have been a mere disfigured piece of furniture between you both having no eyes , no ears , no feelings , no remembrances . moan . moan for what you made him not for your love . i tell you that the time was , when i loved him better than you ever did . she stood with her bright angry eyes confronting the wide stare , and the set face and softened no more , when the moaning was repeated , than if the face had been a picture . miss dartle , said i , if you can be so obdurate as not to feel for this afflicted mother  who feels for me . she sharply retorted . she has sown this . let her moan for the harvest that she reaps today . and if his faults  i began . faults . she cried , bursting into passionate tears . who dares malign him . he had a soul worth millions of the friends to whom he stooped . no one can have loved him better , no one can hold him in dearer remembrance than i , replied . i meant to say , if you have no compassion for his mother or if his faults  have been bitter on them  its false , she cried , tearing her black hair i loved him . his faults cannot , i went on , be banished from your remembrance , in such an hour look at that figure , even as one you have never seen before , and render it some help . all this time , the figure was unchanged , and looked unchangeable . motionless , rigid , staring moaning in the same dumb way from time to time , with the same helpless motion of the head but giving no other sign of life . miss dartle suddenly kneeled down before it , and began to loosen the dress . a curse upon you . she said , looking round at me , with a mingled expression of rage and grief . it was in an evil hour that you ever came here . a curse upon you . go . after passing out of the room , i hurried back to ring the bell , the sooner to alarm the servants . she had then taken the impassive figure in her arms , and , still upon her knees , was weeping over it , kissing it , calling to it , rocking it to and fro upon her bosom like a child , and trying every tender means to rouse the dormant senses . no longer afraid of leaving her , i noiselessly turned back again and alarmed the house as i went out . later in the day , i returned , and we laid him in his mothers room . she was just the same , they told me miss dartle never left her doctors were in attendance , many things had been tried but she lay like a statue , except for the low sound now and then . i went through the dreary house , and darkened the windows . the windows of the chamber where he lay , i darkened last . i lifted up the leaden hand , and held it to my heart and all the world seemed death and silence , broken only by his mothers moaning . chapter . the emigrants one thing more , i had to do , before yielding myself to the shock of these emotions . it was , to conceal what had occurred , from those who were going away and to dismiss them on their voyage in happy ignorance . in this , no time was to be lost . i took mr . micawber aside that same night , and confided to him the task of standing between mr . peggotty and intelligence of the late catastrophe . he zealously undertook to do so , and to intercept any newspaper through which it might , without such precautions , reach him . if it penetrates to him , sir , said mr . micawber , striking himself on the breast , it shall first pass through this body . mr . micawber , i must observe , in his adaptation of himself to a new state of society , had acquired a bold buccaneering air , not absolutely lawless , but defensive and prompt . one might have supposed him a child of the wilderness , long accustomed to live out of the confines of civilization , and about to return to his native wilds . he had provided himself , among other things , with a complete suit of oilskin , and a straw hat with a very low crown , pitched or caulked on the outside . in this rough clothing , with a common mariners telescope under his arm , and a shrewd trick of casting up his eye at the sky as looking out for dirty weather , he was far more nautical , after his manner , than mr . peggotty . his whole family , if i may so express it , were cleared for action . i found mrs . micawber in the closest and most uncompromising of bonnets , made fast under the chin and in a shawl which tied her up as i had been tied up , when my aunt first received me like a bundle , and was secured behind at the waist , in a strong knot . miss micawber i found made snug for stormy weather , in the same manner with nothing superfluous about her . master micawber was hardly visible in a guernsey shirt , and the shaggiest suit of slops i ever saw and the children were done up , like preserved meats , in impervious cases . both mr . micawber and his eldest son wore their sleeves loosely turned back at the wrists , as being ready to lend a hand in any direction , and to tumble up , or sing out , yeo  . on the shortest notice . thus traddles and i found them at nightfall , assembled on the wooden steps , at that time known as hungerford stairs , watching the departure of a boat with some of their property on board . i had told traddles of the terrible event , and it had greatly shocked him but there could be no doubt of the kindness of keeping it a secret , and he had come to help me in this last service . it was here that i took mr . micawber aside , and received his promise . the micawber family were lodged in a little , dirty , tumble down public house, , which in those days was close to the stairs , and whose protruding wooden rooms overhung the river . the family , as emigrants , being objects of some interest in and about hungerford , attracted so many beholders , that we were glad to take refuge in their room . it was one of the wooden chambers upstairs , with the tide flowing underneath . my aunt and agnes were there , busily making some little extra comforts , in the way of dress , for the children . peggotty was quietly assisting , with the old insensible work box, , yard measure, , and bit of wax candle before her , that had now outlived so much . it was not easy to answer her inquiries still less to whisper mr . peggotty , when mr . micawber brought him in , that i had given the letter , and all was well . but i did both , and made them happy . if i showed any trace of what i felt , my own sorrows were sufficient to account for it . and when does the ship sail , mr . micawber . asked my aunt . mr . micawber considered it necessary to prepare either my aunt or his wife , by degrees , and said , sooner than he had expected yesterday . the boat brought you word , i suppose . said my aunt . it did , maam , he returned . well . said my aunt . and she sails  madam , he replied , i am informed that we must positively be on board before seven tomorrow morning . heyday . said my aunt , thats soon . is it a sea going fact , mr . peggotty . tis so , maam . shell drop down the river with that theer tide . if masr davy and my sister comes aboard at gravesen , arternoon o next day , theyll see the last on us . and that we shall do , said i , be sure . until then , and until we are at sea , observed mr . micawber , with a glance of intelligence at me , mr . peggotty and myself will constantly keep a double look out together , on our goods and chattels . emma , my love , said mr . micawber , clearing his throat in his magnificent way , my friend mr . thomas traddles is so obliging as to solicit , in my ear , that he should have the privilege of ordering the ingredients necessary to the composition of a moderate portion of that beverage which is peculiarly associated , in our minds , with the roast beef of old england . i allude to  short , punch . under ordinary circumstances , i should scruple to entreat the indulgence of miss trotwood and miss wickfield , but  i can only say for myself , said my aunt , that i will drink all happiness and success to you , mr . micawber , with the utmost pleasure . and i too . said agnes , with a smile . mr . micawber immediately descended to the bar , where he appeared to be quite at home and in due time returned with a steaming jug . i could not but observe that he had been peeling the lemons with his own clasp knife, , which , as became the knife of a practical settler , was about a foot long and which he wiped , not wholly without ostentation , on the sleeve of his coat . mrs . micawber and the two elder members of the family i now found to be provided with similar formidable instruments , while every child had its own wooden spoon attached to its body by a strong line . in a similar anticipation of life afloat , and in the bush , mr . micawber , instead of helping mrs . micawber and his eldest son and daughter to punch , in wine glasses, , which he might easily have done , for there was a shelf full in the room , served it out to them in a series of villainous little tin pots and i never saw him enjoy anything so much as drinking out of his own particular pint pot , and putting it in his pocket at the close of the evening . the luxuries of the old country , said mr . micawber , with an intense satisfaction in their renouncement , we abandon . the denizens of the forest cannot , of course , expect to participate in the refinements of the land of the free . here , a boy came in to say that mr . micawber was wanted downstairs . i have a presentiment , said mrs . micawber , setting down her tin pot , that it is a member of my family . if so , my dear , observed mr . micawber , with his usual suddenness of warmth on that subject , as the member of your family  he , she , or it , may be  kept us waiting for a considerable period , perhaps the member may now wait my convenience . micawber , said his wife , in a low tone , at such a time as this  it is not meet , said mr . micawber , rising , that every nice offence should bear its comment . emma , i stand reproved . the loss , micawber , observed his wife , has been my familys , not yours . if my family are at length sensible of the deprivation to which their own conduct has , in the past , exposed them , and now desire to extend the hand of fellowship , let it not be repulsed . my dear , he returned , so be it . if not for their sakes for mine , micawber , said his wife . emma , he returned , that view of the question is , at such a moment , irresistible . i cannot , even now , distinctly pledge myself to fall upon your familys neck but the member of your family , who is now in attendance , shall have no genial warmth frozen by me . mr . micawber withdrew , and was absent some little time in the course of which mrs . micawber was not wholly free from an apprehension that words might have arisen between him and the member . at length the same boy reappeared , and presented me with a note written in pencil , and headed , in a legal manner , heep v . micawber . from this document , i learned that mr . micawber being again arrested , was in a final paroxysm of despair and that he begged me to send him his knife and pint pot , by bearer , as they might prove serviceable during the brief remainder of his existence , in jail . he also requested , as a last act of friendship , that i would see his family to the parish workhouse , and forget that such a being ever lived . of course i answered this note by going down with the boy to pay the money , where i found mr . micawber sitting in a corner , looking darkly at the sheriff s officer who had effected the capture . on his release , he embraced me with the utmost fervour and made an entry of the transaction in his pocket book very particular , i recollect , about a halfpenny i inadvertently omitted from my statement of the total . this momentous pocket book was a timely reminder to him of another transaction . on our return to the room upstairs where he accounted for his absence by saying that it had been occasioned by circumstances over which he had no control , he took out of it a large sheet of paper , folded small , and quite covered with long sums , carefully worked . from the glimpse i had of them , i should say that i never saw such sums out of a school ciphering book . these , it seemed , were calculations of compound interest on what he called the principal amount of forty one, , ten , eleven and a half , for various periods . after a careful consideration of these , and an elaborate estimate of his resources , he had come to the conclusion to select that sum which represented the amount with compound interest to two years , fifteen calendar months , and fourteen days , from that date . for this he had drawn a note of with great neatness , which he handed over to traddles on the spot , a discharge of his debt in full with many acknowledgements . i have still a presentiment , said mrs . micawber , pensively shaking her head , that my family will appear on board , before we finally depart . mr . micawber evidently had his presentiment on the subject too , but he put it in his tin pot and swallowed it . if you have any opportunity of sending letters home , on your passage , mrs . micawber , said my aunt , you must let us hear from you , know . my dear miss trotwood , she replied , i shall only be too happy to think that anyone expects to hear from us . i shall not fail to correspond . mr . copperfield , i trust , as an old and familiar friend , will not object to receive occasional intelligence , himself , from one who knew him when the twins were yet unconscious . i said that i should hope to hear , whenever she had an opportunity of writing . please heaven , there will be many such opportunities , said mr . micawber . the ocean , in these times , is a perfect fleet of ships and we can hardly fail to encounter many , in running over . it is merely crossing , said mr . micawber , trifling with his eye glass, , merely crossing . the distance is quite imaginary . i think , now , how odd it was , but how wonderfully like mr . micawber , that , when he went from london to canterbury , he should have talked as if he were going to the farthest limits of the earth and , when he went from england to australia , as if he were going for a little trip across the channel . on the voyage , i shall endeavour , said mr . micawber , occasionally to spin them a yarn and the melody of my son wilkins will , i trust , be acceptable at the galley fire . when mrs . micawber has her sea legs on  expression in which i hope there is no conventional impropriety  will give them , i dare say , little tafflin . porpoises and dolphins , i believe , will be frequently observed athwart our bows and , either on the starboard or the larboard quarter , objects of interest will be continually descried . in short , said mr . micawber , with the old genteel air , the probability is , all will be found so exciting , alow and aloft , that when the lookout , stationed in the main top, , cries land oh . we shall be very considerably astonished . with that he flourished off the contents of his little tin pot , as if he had made the voyage , and had passed a first class examination before the highest naval authorities . what i chiefly hope , my dear mr . copperfield , said mrs . micawber , is , that in some branches of our family we may live again in the old country . do not frown , micawber . i do not now refer to my own family , but to our childrens children . however vigorous the sapling , said mrs . micawber , shaking her head , i cannot forget the parent tree and when our race attains to eminence and fortune , i own i should wish that fortune to flow into the coffers of britannia . my dear , said mr . micawber , britannia must take her chance . i am bound to say that she has never done much for me , and that i have no particular wish upon the subject . micawber , returned mrs . micawber , there , you are wrong . you are going out , micawber , to this distant clime , to strengthen , not to weaken , the connexion between yourself and albion . the connexion in question , my love , rejoined mr . micawber , has not laid me , i repeat , under that load of personal obligation , that i am at all sensitive as to the formation of another connexion . micawber , returned mrs . micawber . there , i again say , you are wrong . you do not know your power , micawber . it is that which will strengthen , even in this step you are about to take , the connexion between yourself and albion . mr . micawber sat in his elbow chair, , with his eyebrows raised half receiving and half repudiating mrs . micawbers views as they were stated , but very sensible of their foresight . my dear mr . copperfield , said mrs . micawber , i wish mr . micawber to feel his position . it appears to me highly important that mr . micawber should , from the hour of his embarkation , feel his position . your old knowledge of me , my dear mr . copperfield , will have told you that i have not the sanguine disposition of mr . micawber . my disposition is , if i may say so , eminently practical . i know that this is a long voyage . i know that it will involve many privations and inconveniences . i cannot shut my eyes to those facts . but i also know what mr . micawber is . i know the latent power of mr . micawber . and therefore i consider it vitally important that mr . micawber should feel his position . my love , he observed , perhaps you will allow me to remark that it is barely possible that i do feel my position at the present moment . i think not , micawber , she rejoined . not fully . my dear mr . copperfield , mr . micawbers is not a common case . mr . micawber is going to a distant country expressly in order that he may be fully understood and appreciated for the first time . i wish mr . micawber to take his stand upon that vessels prow , and firmly say , this country i am come to conquer . have you honours . have you riches . have you posts of profitable pecuniary emolument . let them be brought forward . they are mine . mr . micawber , glancing at us all , seemed to think there was a good deal in this idea . i wish mr . micawber , if i make myself understood , said mrs . micawber , in her argumentative tone , to be the caesar of his own fortunes . that , my dear mr . copperfield , appears to me to be his true position . from the first moment of this voyage , i wish mr . micawber to stand upon that vessels prow and say , enough of delay enough of disappointment enough of limited means . that was in the old country . this is the new . produce your reparation . bring it forward . mr . micawber folded his arms in a resolute manner , as if he were then stationed on the figure head . and doing that , said mrs . micawber , his position  i not right in saying that mr . micawber will strengthen , and not weaken , his connexion with britain . an important public character arising in that hemisphere , shall i be told that its influence will not be felt at home . can i be so weak as to imagine that mr . micawber , wielding the rod of talent and of power in australia , will be nothing in england . i am but a woman but i should be unworthy of myself and of my papa , if i were guilty of such absurd weakness . mrs . micawbers conviction that her arguments were unanswerable , gave a moral elevation to her tone which i think i had never heard in it before . and therefore it is , said mrs . micawber , that i the more wish , that , at a future period , we may live again on the parent soil . mr . micawber may be  cannot disguise from myself that the probability is , mr . micawber will be  page of history and he ought then to be represented in the country which gave him birth , and did not give him employment . my love , observed mr . micawber , it is impossible for me not to be touched by your affection . i am always willing to defer to your good sense . what will be  . heaven forbid that i should grudge my native country any portion of the wealth that may be accumulated by our descendants . thats well , said my aunt , nodding towards mr . peggotty , and i drink my love to you all , and every blessing and success attend you . mr . peggotty put down the two children he had been nursing , one on each knee , to join mr . and mrs . micawber in drinking to all of us in return and when he and the micawbers cordially shook hands as comrades , and his brown face brightened with a smile , i felt that he would make his way , establish a good name , and be beloved , go where he would . even the children were instructed , each to dip a wooden spoon into mr . micawbers pot , and pledge us in its contents . when this was done , my aunt and agnes rose , and parted from the emigrants . it was a sorrowful farewell . they were all crying the children hung about agnes to the last and we left poor mrs . micawber in a very distressed condition , sobbing and weeping by a dim candle , that must have made the room look , from the river , like a miserable light house . i went down again next morning to see that they were away . they had departed , in a boat , as early as five oclock . it was a wonderful instance to me of the gap such partings make , that although my association of them with the tumble down public house and the wooden stairs dated only from last night , both seemed dreary and deserted , now that they were gone . in the afternoon of the next day , my old nurse and i went down to gravesend . we found the ship in the river , surrounded by a crowd of boats a favourable wind blowing the signal for sailing at her mast head . i hired a boat directly , and we put off to her and getting through the little vortex of confusion of which she was the centre , went on board . mr . peggotty was waiting for us on deck . he told me that mr . micawber had just now been arrested again at the suit of heep , and that , in compliance with a request i had made to him , he had paid the money , which i repaid him . he then took us down between decks and there , any lingering fears i had of his having heard any rumours of what had happened , were dispelled by mr . micawbers coming out of the gloom , taking his arm with an air of friendship and protection , and telling me that they had scarcely been asunder for a moment , since the night before last . it was such a strange scene to me , and so confined and dark , that , at first , i could make out hardly anything but , by degrees , it cleared , as my eyes became more accustomed to the gloom , and i seemed to stand in a picture by ostade . among the great beams , bulks , and ringbolts of the ship , and the emigrant berths, , and chests , and bundles , and barrels , and heaps of miscellaneous baggage  up , here and there , by dangling lanterns and elsewhere by the yellow daylight straying down a windsail or a hatchway  crowded groups of people , making new friendships , taking leave of one another , talking , laughing , crying , eating and drinking some , already settled down into the possession of their few feet of space , with their little households arranged , and tiny children established on stools , or in dwarf elbow chairs others , despairing of a resting place, , and wandering disconsolately . from babies who had but a week or two of life behind them , to crooked old men and women who seemed to have but a week or two of life before them and from ploughmen bodily carrying out soil of england on their boots , to smiths taking away samples of its soot and smoke upon their skins every age and occupation appeared to be crammed into the narrow compass of the tween decks . as my eye glanced round this place , i thought i saw sitting , by an open port , with one of the micawber children near her , a figure like emilys it first attracted my attention , by another figure parting from it with a kiss and as it glided calmly away through the disorder , reminding me of  . but in the rapid motion and confusion , and in the unsettlement of my own thoughts , i lost it again and only knew that the time was come when all visitors were being warned to leave the ship that my nurse was crying on a chest beside me and that mrs . gummidge , assisted by some younger stooping woman in black , was busily arranging mr . peggottys goods . is there any last wured , masr davy . said he . is there any one forgotten thing afore we parts . one thing . said i . martha . he touched the younger woman i have mentioned on the shoulder , and martha stood before me . heaven bless you , good man . cried i . you take her with you . she answered for him , with a burst of tears . i could speak no more at that time , but i wrung his hand and if ever i have loved and honoured any man , i loved and honoured that man in my soul . the ship was clearing fast of strangers . the greatest trial that i had , remained . i told him what the noble spirit that was gone , had given me in charge to say at parting . it moved him deeply . but when he charged me , in return , with many messages of affection and regret for those deaf ears , he moved me more . the time was come . i embraced him , took my weeping nurse upon my arm , and hurried away . on deck , i took leave of poor mrs . micawber . she was looking distractedly about for her family , even then and her last words to me were , that she never would desert mr . micawber . we went over the side into our boat , and lay at a little distance , to see the ship wafted on her course . it was then calm , radiant sunset . she lay between us , and the red light and every taper line and spar was visible against the glow . a sight at once so beautiful , so mournful , and so hopeful , as the glorious ship , lying , still , on the flushed water , with all the life on board her crowded at the bulwarks , and there clustering , for a moment , bare headed and silent , i never saw . silent , only for a moment . as the sails rose to the wind , and the ship began to move , there broke from all the boats three resounding cheers , which those on board took up , and echoed back , and which were echoed and re echoed . my heart burst out when i heard the sound , and beheld the waving of the hats and handkerchiefs  then i saw her . then i saw her , at her uncles side , and trembling on his shoulder . he pointed to us with an eager hand and she saw us , and waved her last good bye to me . aye , emily , beautiful and drooping , cling to him with the utmost trust of thy bruised heart for he has clung to thee , with all the might of his great love . surrounded by the rosy light , and standing high upon the deck , apart together , she clinging to him , and he holding her , they solemnly passed away . the night had fallen on the kentish hills when we were rowed ashore  fallen darkly upon me . chapter . absence it was a long and gloomy night that gathered on me , haunted by the ghosts of many hopes , of many dear remembrances , many errors , many unavailing sorrows and regrets . i went away from england not knowing , even then , how great the shock was , that i had to bear . i left all who were dear to me , and went away and believed that i had borne it , and it was past . as a man upon a field of battle will receive a mortal hurt , and scarcely know that he is struck , so i , when i was left alone with my undisciplined heart , had no conception of the wound with which it had to strive . the knowledge came upon me , not quickly , but little by little , and grain by grain . the desolate feeling with which i went abroad , deepened and widened hourly . at first it was a heavy sense of loss and sorrow , wherein i could distinguish little else . by imperceptible degrees , it became a hopeless consciousness of all that i had lost  , friendship , interest of all that had been shattered  first trust , my first affection , the whole airy castle of my life of all that remained  ruined blank and waste , lying wide around me , unbroken , to the dark horizon . if my grief were selfish , i did not know it to be so . i mourned for my child wife, , taken from her blooming world , so young . i mourned for him who might have won the love and admiration of thousands , as he had won mine long ago . i mourned for the broken heart that had found rest in the stormy sea and for the wandering remnants of the simple home , where i had heard the night wind blowing , when i was a child . from the accumulated sadness into which i fell , i had at length no hope of ever issuing again . i roamed from place to place , carrying my burden with me everywhere . i felt its whole weight now and i drooped beneath it , and i said in my heart that it could never be lightened . when this despondency was at its worst , i believed that i should die . sometimes , i thought that i would like to die at home and actually turned back on my road , that i might get there soon . at other times , i passed on farther away  , city to city , seeking i know not what , and trying to leave i know not what behind . it is not in my power to retrace , one by one , all the weary phases of distress of mind through which i passed . there are some dreams that can only be imperfectly and vaguely described and when i oblige myself to look back on this time of my life , i seem to be recalling such a dream . i see myself passing on among the novelties of foreign towns , palaces , cathedrals , temples , pictures , castles , tombs , fantastic streets  old abiding places of history and fancy  a dreamer might bearing my painful load through all , and hardly conscious of the objects as they fade before me . listlessness to everything , but brooding sorrow , was the night that fell on my undisciplined heart . let me look up from it  at last i did , thank heaven . from its long , sad , wretched dream , to dawn . for many months i travelled with this ever darkening cloud upon my mind . some blind reasons that i had for not returning home  then struggling within me , vainly , for more distinct expression  me on my pilgrimage . sometimes , i had proceeded restlessly from place to place , stopping nowhere sometimes , i had lingered long in one spot . i had no purpose , no sustaining soul within me , anywhere . i was in switzerland . i had come out of italy , over one of the great passes of the alps , and had since wandered with a guide among the by ways of the mountains . if those awful solitudes had spoken to my heart , i did not know it . i had found sublimity and wonder in the dread heights and precipices , in the roaring torrents , and the wastes of ice and snow but as yet , they had taught me nothing else . i came , one evening before sunset , down into a valley , where i was to rest . in the course of my descent to it , by the winding track along the mountain side, , from which i saw it shining far below , i think some long unwonted sense of beauty and tranquillity , some softening influence awakened by its peace , moved faintly in my breast . i remember pausing once , with a kind of sorrow that was not all oppressive , not quite despairing . i remember almost hoping that some better change was possible within me . i came into the valley , as the evening sun was shining on the remote heights of snow , that closed it in , like eternal clouds . the bases of the mountains forming the gorge in which the little village lay , were richly green and high above this gentler vegetation , grew forests of dark fir , cleaving the wintry snow drift, , wedge like, , and stemming the avalanche . above these , were range upon range of craggy steeps , grey rock , bright ice , and smooth verdure specks of pasture , all gradually blending with the crowning snow . dotted here and there on the mountains side, , each tiny dot a home , were lonely wooden cottages , so dwarfed by the towering heights that they appeared too small for toys . so did even the clustered village in the valley , with its wooden bridge across the stream , where the stream tumbled over broken rocks , and roared away among the trees . in the quiet air , there was a sound of distant singing  voices but , as one bright evening cloud floated midway along the mountains side, , i could almost have believed it came from there , and was not earthly music . all at once , in this serenity , great nature spoke to me and soothed me to lay down my weary head upon the grass , and weep as i had not wept yet , since dora died . i had found a packet of letters awaiting me but a few minutes before , and had strolled out of the village to read them while my supper was making ready . other packets had missed me , and i had received none for a long time . beyond a line or two , to say that i was well , and had arrived at such a place , i had not had fortitude or constancy to write a letter since i left home . the packet was in my hand . i opened it , and read the writing of agnes . she was happy and useful , was prospering as she had hoped . that was all she told me of herself . the rest referred to me . she gave me no advice she urged no duty on me she only told me , in her own fervent manner , what her trust in me was . she knew how such a nature as mine would turn affliction to good . she knew how trial and emotion would exalt and strengthen it . she was sure that in my every purpose i should gain a firmer and a higher tendency , through the grief i had undergone . she , who so gloried in my fame , and so looked forward to its augmentation , well knew that i would labour on . she knew that in me , sorrow could not be weakness , but must be strength . as the endurance of my childish days had done its part to make me what i was , so greater calamities would nerve me on , to be yet better than i was and so , as they had taught me , would i teach others . she commended me to god , who had taken my innocent darling to his rest and in her sisterly affection cherished me always , and was always at my side go where i would proud of what i had done , but infinitely prouder yet of what i was reserved to do . i put the letter in my breast , and thought what had i been an hour ago . when i heard the voices die away , and saw the quiet evening cloud grow dim , and all the colours in the valley fade , and the golden snow upon the mountain tops become a remote part of the pale night sky , yet felt that the night was passing from my mind , and all its shadows clearing , there was no name for the love i bore her , dearer to me , henceforward , than ever until then . i read her letter many times . i wrote to her before i slept . i told her that i had been in sore need of her help that without her i was not , and i never had been , what she thought me but that she inspired me to be that , and i would try . i did try . in three months more , a year would have passed since the beginning of my sorrow . i determined to make no resolutions until the expiration of those three months , but to try . i lived in that valley , and its neighbourhood , all the time . the three months gone , i resolved to remain away from home for some time longer to settle myself for the present in switzerland , which was growing dear to me in the remembrance of that evening to resume my pen to work . i resorted humbly whither agnes had commended me i sought out nature , never sought in vain and i admitted to my breast the human interest i had lately shrunk from . it was not long , before i had almost as many friends in the valley as in yarmouth and when i left it , before the winter set in , for geneva , and came back in the spring , their cordial greetings had a homely sound to me , although they were not conveyed in english words . i worked early and late , patiently and hard . i wrote a story , with a purpose growing , not remotely , out of my experience , and sent it to traddles , and he arranged for its publication very advantageously for me and the tidings of my growing reputation began to reach me from travellers whom i encountered by chance . after some rest and change , i fell to work , in my old ardent way , on a new fancy , which took strong possession of me . as i advanced in the execution of this task , i felt it more and more , and roused my utmost energies to do it well . this was my third work of fiction . it was not half written , when , in an interval of rest , i thought of returning home . for a long time , though studying and working patiently , i had accustomed myself to robust exercise . my health , severely impaired when i left england , was quite restored . i had seen much . i had been in many countries , and i hope i had improved my store of knowledge . i have now recalled all that i think it needful to recall here , of this term of absence  one reservation . i have made it , thus far , with no purpose of suppressing any of my thoughts for , as i have elsewhere said , this narrative is my written memory . i have desired to keep the most secret current of my mind apart , and to the last . i enter on it now . i cannot so completely penetrate the mystery of my own heart , as to know when i began to think that i might have set its earliest and brightest hopes on agnes . i cannot say at what stage of my grief it first became associated with the reflection , that , in my wayward boyhood , i had thrown away the treasure of her love . i believe i may have heard some whisper of that distant thought , in the old unhappy loss or want of something never to be realized , of which i had been sensible . but the thought came into my mind as a new reproach and new regret , when i was left so sad and lonely in the world . if , at that time , i had been much with her , i should , in the weakness of my desolation , have betrayed this . it was what i remotely dreaded when i was first impelled to stay away from england . i could not have borne to lose the smallest portion of her sisterly affection yet , in that betrayal , i should have set a constraint between us hitherto unknown . i could not forget that the feeling with which she now regarded me had grown up in my own free choice and course . that if she had ever loved me with another love  i sometimes thought the time was when she might have done so  had cast it away . it was nothing , now , that i had accustomed myself to think of her , when we were both mere children , as one who was far removed from my wild fancies . i had bestowed my passionate tenderness upon another object and what i might have done , i had not done and what agnes was to me , i and her own noble heart had made her . in the beginning of the change that gradually worked in me , when i tried to get a better understanding of myself and be a better man , i did glance , through some indefinite probation , to a period when i might possibly hope to cancel the mistaken past , and to be so blessed as to marry her . but , as time wore on , this shadowy prospect faded , and departed from me . if she had ever loved me , then , i should hold her the more sacred remembering the confidences i had reposed in her , knowledge of my errant heart , the sacrifice she must have made to be my friend and sister , and the victory she had won . if she had never loved me , could i believe that she would love me now . i had always felt my weakness , in comparison with her constancy and fortitude and now i felt it more and more . whatever i might have been to her , or she to me , if i had been more worthy of her long ago , i was not now , and she was not . the time was past . i had let it go by , and had deservedly lost her . that i suffered much in these contentions , that they filled me with unhappiness and remorse , and yet that i had a sustaining sense that it was required of me , in right and honour , to keep away from myself , with shame , the thought of turning to the dear girl in the withering of my hopes , from whom i had frivolously turned when they were bright and fresh  consideration was at the root of every thought i had concerning her  all equally true . i made no effort to conceal from myself , now , that i loved her , that i was devoted to her but i brought the assurance home to myself , that it was now too late , and that our long subsisting relation must be undisturbed . i had thought , much and often , of my doras shadowing out to me what might have happened , in those years that were destined not to try us i had considered how the things that never happen , are often as much realities to us , in their effects , as those that are accomplished . the very years she spoke of , were realities now , for my correction and would have been , one day , a little later perhaps , though we had parted in our earliest folly . i endeavoured to convert what might have been between myself and agnes , into a means of making me more self denying, , more resolved , more conscious of myself , and my defects and errors . thus , through the reflection that it might have been , i arrived at the conviction that it could never be . these , with their perplexities and inconsistencies , were the shifting quicksands of my mind , from the time of my departure to the time of my return home , three years afterwards . three years had elapsed since the sailing of the emigrant ship when , at that same hour of sunset , and in the same place , i stood on the deck of the packet vessel that brought me home , looking on the rosy water where i had seen the image of that ship reflected . three years . long in the aggregate , though short as they went by . and home was very dear to me , and agnes too  she was not mine  was never to be mine . she might have been , but that was past . chapter . return i landed in london on a wintry autumn evening . it was dark and raining , and i saw more fog and mud in a minute than i had seen in a year . i walked from the custom house to the monument before i found a coach and although the very house fronts, , looking on the swollen gutters , were like old friends to me , i could not but admit that they were very dingy friends . i have often remarked  suppose everybody has  ones going away from a familiar place , would seem to be the signal for change in it . as i looked out of the coach window , and observed that an old house on fish street hill , which had stood untouched by painter , carpenter , or bricklayer , for a century , had been pulled down in my absence and that a neighbouring street , of time honoured insalubrity and inconvenience , was being drained and widened i half expected to find st . pauls cathedral looking older . for some changes in the fortunes of my friends , i was prepared . my aunt had long been re established at dover , and traddles had begun to get into some little practice at the bar , in the very first term after my departure . he had chambers in grays inn , now and had told me , in his last letters , that he was not without hopes of being soon united to the dearest girl in the world . they expected me home before christmas but had no idea of my returning so soon . i had purposely misled them , that i might have the pleasure of taking them by surprise . and yet , i was perverse enough to feel a chill and disappointment in receiving no welcome , and rattling , alone and silent , through the misty streets . the well known shops , however , with their cheerful lights , did something for me and when i alighted at the door of the grays inn coffee house, , i had recovered my spirits . it recalled , at first , that so different time when i had put up at the golden cross , and reminded me of the changes that had come to pass since then but that was natural . do you know where mr . traddles lives in the inn . i asked the waiter , as i warmed myself by the coffee room fire . holborn court , sir . number two . mr . traddles has a rising reputation among the lawyers , i believe . said i . well , sir , returned the waiter , probably he has , sir but i am not aware of it myself . this waiter , who was middle aged and spare , looked for help to a waiter of more authority  stout , potential old man , with a double chin , in black breeches and stockings , who came out of a place like a churchwardens pew , at the end of the coffee room, , where he kept company with a cash box, , a directory , a law list, , and other books and papers . mr . traddles , said the spare waiter . number two in the court . the potential waiter waved him away , and turned , gravely , to me . i was inquiring , said i , whether mr . traddles , at number two in the court , has not a rising reputation among the lawyers . never heard his name , said the waiter , in a rich husky voice . i felt quite apologetic for traddles . hes a young man , sure . said the portentous waiter , fixing his eyes severely on me . how long has he been in the inn . not above three years , said i . the waiter , who i supposed had lived in his churchwardens pew for forty years , could not pursue such an insignificant subject . he asked me what i would have for dinner . i felt i was in england again , and really was quite cast down on traddless account . there seemed to be no hope for him . i meekly ordered a bit of fish and a steak , and stood before the fire musing on his obscurity . as i followed the chief waiter with my eyes , i could not help thinking that the garden in which he had gradually blown to be the flower he was , an arduous place to rise in . it had such a prescriptive , stiff necked, , long established, , solemn , elderly air . i glanced about the room , which had its sanded floor sanded , no doubt , in exactly the same manner when the chief waiter was a boy  he ever was a boy , which appeared improbable and at the shining tables , where i saw myself reflected , in unruffled depths of old mahogany and at the lamps , without a flaw in their trimming or cleaning and at the comfortable green curtains , with their pure brass rods , snugly enclosing the boxes and at the two large coal fires , brightly burning and at the rows of decanters , burly as if with the consciousness of pipes of expensive old port wine below and both england , and the law , appeared to me to be very difficult indeed to be taken by storm . i went up to my bedroom to change my wet clothes and the vast extent of that old wainscoted apartment and the sedate immensity of the four post bedstead , and the indomitable gravity of the chests of drawers , all seemed to unite in sternly frowning on the fortunes of traddles , or on any such daring youth . i came down again to my dinner and even the slow comfort of the meal , and the orderly silence of the place  was bare of guests , the long vacation not yet being over  eloquent on the audacity of traddles , and his small hopes of a livelihood for twenty years to come . i had seen nothing like this since i went away , and it quite dashed my hopes for my friend . the chief waiter had enough of me . he came near me no more but devoted himself to an old gentleman in long gaiters , to meet whom a pint of special port seemed to come out of the cellar of its own accord , for he gave no order . the second waiter informed me , in a whisper , that this old gentleman was a retired conveyancer living in the square , and worth a mint of money , which it was expected he would leave to his laundresss daughter likewise that it was rumoured that he had a service of plate in a bureau , all tarnished with lying by , though more than one spoon and a fork had never yet been beheld in his chambers by mortal vision . by this time , i quite gave traddles up for lost and settled in my own mind that there was no hope for him . being very anxious to see the dear old fellow , nevertheless , i dispatched my dinner , in a manner not at all calculated to raise me in the opinion of the chief waiter , and hurried out by the back way . number two in the court was soon reached and an inscription on the door post informing me that mr . traddles occupied a set of chambers on the top storey , i ascended the staircase . a crazy old staircase i found it to be , feebly lighted on each landing by a club headed little oil wick , dying away in a little dungeon of dirty glass . in the course of my stumbling upstairs , i fancied i heard a pleasant sound of laughter and not the laughter of an attorney or barrister , or attorneys clerk or barristers clerk , but of two or three merry girls . happening , however , as i stopped to listen , to put my foot in a hole where the honourable society of grays inn had left a plank deficient , i fell down with some noise , and when i recovered my footing all was silent . groping my way more carefully , for the rest of the journey , my heart beat high when i found the outer door , which had mr . traddles painted on it , open . i knocked . a considerable scuffling within ensued , but nothing else . i therefore knocked again . a small sharp looking lad , half footboy and half clerk, , who was very much out of breath , but who looked at me as if he defied me to prove it legally , presented himself . is mr . traddles within . i said . yes , sir , but hes engaged . i want to see him . after a moments survey of me , the sharp looking lad decided to let me in and opening the door wider for that purpose , admitted me , first , into a little closet of a hall , and next into a little sitting room where i came into the presence of my old friend seated at a table , and bending over papers . good god . cried traddles , looking up . its copperfield . and rushed into my arms , where i held him tight . all well , my dear traddles . all well , my dear , copperfield , and nothing but good news . we cried with pleasure , both of us . my dear fellow , said traddles , rumpling his hair in his excitement , which was a most unnecessary operation , my dearest copperfield , my long lost and most welcome friend , how glad i am to see you . how brown you are . how glad i am . upon my life and honour , i never was so rejoiced , my beloved copperfield , never . i was equally at a loss to express my emotions . i was quite unable to speak , at first . my dear fellow . said traddles . and grown so famous . my glorious copperfield . good gracious me , when did you come , where have you come from , what have you been doing . never pausing for an answer to anything he said , traddles , who had clapped me into an easy chair by the fire , all this time impetuously stirred the fire with one hand , and pulled at my neck kerchief with the other , under some wild delusion that it was a great coat . without putting down the poker , he now hugged me again and i hugged him and , both laughing , and both wiping our eyes , we both sat down , and shook hands across the hearth . to think , said traddles , that you should have been so nearly coming home as you must have been , my dear old boy , and not at the ceremony . what ceremony , my dear traddles . good gracious me . cried traddles , opening his eyes in his old way . didnt you get my last letter . certainly not , if it referred to any ceremony . why , my dear copperfield , said traddles , sticking his hair upright with both hands , and then putting his hands on my knees , i am married . married . i cried joyfully . lord bless me , yes . said traddles  the reverend horace  sophy  in devonshire . why , my dear boy , shes behind the window curtain . look here . to my amazement , the dearest girl in the world came at that same instant , laughing and blushing , from her place of concealment . and a more cheerful , amiable , honest , happy , bright looking bride , i believe the world never saw . i kissed her as an old acquaintance should , and wished them joy with all my might of heart . dear me , said traddles , what a delightful re union this is . you are so extremely brown , my dear copperfield . god bless my soul , how happy i am . and so am i , said i . and i am sure i am . said the blushing and laughing sophy . we are all as happy as possible . said traddles . even the girls are happy . dear me , i declare i forgot them . forgot . said i . the girls , said traddles . sophys sisters . they are staying with us . they have come to have a peep at london . the fact is , when  it you that tumbled upstairs , copperfield . it was , said i , laughing . well then , when you tumbled upstairs , said traddles , i was romping with the girls . in point of fact , we were playing at puss in the corner . but as that wouldnt do in westminster hall , and as it wouldnt look quite professional if they were seen by a client , they decamped . and they are now  , i have no doubt , said traddles , glancing at the door of another room . i am sorry , said i , laughing afresh , to have occasioned such a dispersion . upon my word , rejoined traddles , greatly delighted , if you had seen them running away , and running back again , after you had knocked , to pick up the combs they had dropped out of their hair , and going on in the maddest manner , you wouldnt have said so . my love , will you fetch the girls . sophy tripped away , and we heard her received in the adjoining room with a peal of laughter . really musical , isnt it , my dear copperfield . said traddles . its very agreeable to hear . it quite lights up these old rooms . to an unfortunate bachelor of a fellow who has lived alone all his life , you know , its positively delicious . its charming . poor things , they have had a great loss in sophy  , i do assure you , copperfield is , and ever was , the dearest girl . it gratifies me beyond expression to find them in such good spirits . the society of girls is a very delightful thing , copperfield . its not professional , but its very delightful . observing that he slightly faltered , and comprehending that in the goodness of his heart he was fearful of giving me some pain by what he had said , i expressed my concurrence with a heartiness that evidently relieved and pleased him greatly . but then , said traddles , our domestic arrangements are , to say the truth , quite unprofessional altogether , my dear copperfield . even sophys being here , is unprofessional . and we have no other place of abode . we have put to sea in a cockboat , but we are quite prepared to rough it . and sophys an extraordinary manager . youll be surprised how those girls are stowed away . i am sure i hardly know how its done . are many of the young ladies with you . i inquired . the eldest , the beauty is here , said traddles , in a low confidential voice , caroline . and sarahs here  one i mentioned to you as having something the matter with her spine , you know . immensely better . and the two youngest that sophy educated are with us . and louisas here . indeed . cried i . yes , said traddles . now the whole set  mean the chambers  only three rooms but sophy arranges for the girls in the most wonderful way , and they sleep as comfortably as possible . three in that room , said traddles , pointing . two in that . i could not help glancing round , in search of the accommodation remaining for mr . and mrs . traddles . traddles understood me . well . said traddles , we are prepared to rough it , as i said just now , and we did improvise a bed last week , upon the floor here . but theres a little room in the roof  very nice room , when youre up there  sophy papered herself , to surprise me and thats our room at present . its a capital little gipsy sort of place . theres quite a view from it . and you are happily married at last , my dear traddles . said i . how rejoiced i am . thank you , my dear copperfield , said traddles , as we shook hands once more . yes , i am as happy as its possible to be . theres your old friend , you see , said traddles , nodding triumphantly at the flower pot and stand and theres the table with the marble top . all the other furniture is plain and serviceable , you perceive . and as to plate , lord bless you , we havent so much as a tea spoon . all to be earned . said i , cheerfully . exactly so , replied traddles , all to be earned . of course we have something in the shape of tea spoons, , because we stir our tea . but theyre britannia metal . the silver will be the brighter when it comes , said i . the very thing we say . cried traddles . you see , my dear copperfield , falling again into the low confidential tone , after i had delivered my argument in doe dem . jipes versus wigziell , which did me great service with the profession , i went down into devonshire , and had some serious conversation in private with the reverend horace . i dwelt upon the fact that sophy  i do assure you , copperfield , is the dearest girl . i am certain she is . said i . she is , indeed . rejoined traddles . but i am afraid i am wandering from the subject . did i mention the reverend horace . you said that you dwelt upon the fact  true . upon the fact that sophy and i had been engaged for a long period , and that sophy , with the permission of her parents , was more than content to take me  short , said traddles , with his old frank smile , on our present britannia metal footing . very well . i then proposed to the reverend horace  is a most excellent clergyman , copperfield , and ought to be a bishop or at least ought to have enough to live upon , without pinching himself  if i could turn the corner , say of two hundred and fifty pounds , in one year and could see my way pretty clearly to that , or something better , next year and could plainly furnish a little place like this , besides then , and in that case , sophy and i should be united . i took the liberty of representing that we had been patient for a good many years and that the circumstance of sophys being extraordinarily useful at home , ought not to operate with her affectionate parents , against her establishment in life  you see . certainly it ought not , said i . i am glad you think so , copperfield , rejoined traddles , because , without any imputation on the reverend horace , i do think parents , and brothers , and so forth , are sometimes rather selfish in such cases . well . i also pointed out , that my most earnest desire was , to be useful to the family and that if i got on in the world , and anything should happen to him  refer to the reverend horace  i understand , said i . to mrs . crewler  would be the utmost gratification of my wishes , to be a parent to the girls . he replied in a most admirable manner , exceedingly flattering to my feelings , and undertook to obtain the consent of mrs . crewler to this arrangement . they had a dreadful time of it with her . it mounted from her legs into her chest , and then into her head  what mounted . i asked . her grief , replied traddles , with a serious look . her feelings generally . as i mentioned on a former occasion , she is a very superior woman , but has lost the use of her limbs . whatever occurs to harass her , usually settles in her legs but on this occasion it mounted to the chest , and then to the head , and , in short , pervaded the whole system in a most alarming manner . however , they brought her through it by unremitting and affectionate attention and we were married yesterday six weeks . you have no idea what a monster i felt , copperfield , when i saw the whole family crying and fainting away in every direction . mrs . crewler couldnt see me before we left  forgive me , then , for depriving her of her child  she is a good creature , and has done so since . i had a delightful letter from her , only this morning . and in short , my dear friend , said i , you feel as blest as you deserve to feel . oh . thats your partiality . laughed traddles . but , indeed , i am in a most enviable state . i work hard , and read law insatiably . i get up at five every morning , and dont mind it at all . i hide the girls in the daytime , and make merry with them in the evening . and i assure you i am quite sorry that they are going home on tuesday , which is the day before the first day of michaelmas term . but here , said traddles , breaking off in his confidence , and speaking aloud , are the girls . mr . copperfield , miss crewler  sarah  louisa  and lucy . they were a perfect nest of roses they looked so wholesome and fresh . they were all pretty , and miss caroline was very handsome but there was a loving , cheerful , fireside quality in sophys bright looks , which was better than that , and which assured me that my friend had chosen well . we all sat round the fire while the sharp boy , who i now divined had lost his breath in putting the papers out , cleared them away again , and produced the tea things . after that , he retired for the night , shutting the outer door upon us with a bang . mrs . traddles , with perfect pleasure and composure beaming from her household eyes , having made the tea , then quietly made the toast as she sat in a corner by the fire . she had seen agnes , she told me while she was toasting . tom had taken her down into kent for a wedding trip , and there she had seen my aunt , too and both my aunt and agnes were well , and they had all talked of nothing but me . tom had never had me out of his thoughts , she really believed , all the time i had been away . tom was the authority for everything . tom was evidently the idol of her life never to be shaken on his pedestal by any commotion always to be believed in , and done homage to with the whole faith of her heart , come what might . the deference which both she and traddles showed towards the beauty , pleased me very much . i dont know that i thought it very reasonable but i thought it very delightful , and essentially a part of their character . if traddles ever for an instant missed the tea spoons that were still to be won , i have no doubt it was when he handed the beauty her tea . if his sweet tempered wife could have got up any self assertion against anyone , i am satisfied it could only have been because she was the beautys sister . a few slight indications of a rather petted and capricious manner , which i observed in the beauty , were manifestly considered , by traddles and his wife , as her birthright and natural endowment . if she had been born a queen bee , and they labouring bees , they could not have been more satisfied of that . but their self forgetfulness charmed me . their pride in these girls , and their submission of themselves to all their whims , was the pleasantest little testimony to their own worth i could have desired to see . if traddles were addressed as a darling , once in the course of that evening and besought to bring something here , or carry something there , or take something up , or put something down , or find something , or fetch something , he was so addressed , by one or other of his sisters in , at least twelve times in an hour . neither could they do anything without sophy . somebodys hair fell down , and nobody but sophy could put it up . somebody forgot how a particular tune went , and nobody but sophy could hum that tune right . somebody wanted to recall the name of a place in devonshire , and only sophy knew it . something was wanted to be written home , and sophy alone could be trusted to write before breakfast in the morning . somebody broke down in a piece of knitting , and no one but sophy was able to put the defaulter in the right direction . they were entire mistresses of the place , and sophy and traddles waited on them . how many children sophy could have taken care of in her time , i cant imagine but she seemed to be famous for knowing every sort of song that ever was addressed to a child in the english tongue and she sang dozens to order with the clearest little voice in the world , one after another every sister issuing directions for a different tune , and the beauty generally striking in last , so that i was quite fascinated . the best of all was , that , in the midst of their exactions , all the sisters had a great tenderness and respect both for sophy and traddles . i am sure , when i took my leave , and traddles was coming out to walk with me to the coffee house, , i thought i had never seen an obstinate head of hair , or any other head of hair , rolling about in such a shower of kisses . altogether , it was a scene i could not help dwelling on with pleasure , for a long time after i got back and had wished traddles good night . if i had beheld a thousand roses blowing in a top set of chambers , in that withered grays inn , they could not have brightened it half so much . the idea of those devonshire girls , among the dry law stationers and the attorneys offices and of the tea and toast , and childrens songs , in that grim atmosphere of pounce and parchment , red tape, , dusty wafers , ink jars, , brief and draft paper , law reports , writs , declarations , and bills of costs seemed almost as pleasantly fanciful as if i had dreamed that the sultans famous family had been admitted on the roll of attorneys , and had brought the talking bird , the singing tree , and the golden water into grays inn hall . somehow , i found that i had taken leave of traddles for the night , and come back to the coffee house, , with a great change in my despondency about him . i began to think he would get on , in spite of all the many orders of chief waiters in england . drawing a chair before one of the coffee room fires to think about him at my leisure , i gradually fell from the consideration of his happiness to tracing prospects in the live coals, , and to thinking , as they broke and changed , of the principal vicissitudes and separations that had marked my life . i had not seen a coal fire , since i had left england three years ago though many a wood fire had i watched , as it crumbled into hoary ashes , and mingled with the feathery heap upon the hearth , which not inaptly figured to me , in my despondency , my own dead hopes . i could think of the past now , gravely , but not bitterly and could contemplate the future in a brave spirit . home , in its best sense , was for me no more . she in whom i might have inspired a dearer love , i had taught to be my sister . she would marry , and would have new claimants on her tenderness and in doing it , would never know the love for her that had grown up in my heart . it was right that i should pay the forfeit of my headlong passion . what i reaped , i had sown . i was thinking . and had i truly disciplined my heart to this , and could i resolutely bear it , and calmly hold the place in her home which she had calmly held in mine  , i found my eyes resting on a countenance that might have arisen out of the fire , in its association with my early remembrances . little mr . chillip the doctor , to whose good offices i was indebted in the very first chapter of this history , sat reading a newspaper in the shadow of an opposite corner . he was tolerably stricken in years by this time but , being a mild , meek , calm little man , had worn so easily , that i thought he looked at that moment just as he might have looked when he sat in our parlour , waiting for me to be born . mr . chillip had left blunderstone six or seven years ago , and i had never seen him since . he sat placidly perusing the newspaper , with his little head on one side , and a glass of warm sherry negus at his elbow . he was so extremely conciliatory in his manner that he seemed to apologize to the very newspaper for taking the liberty of reading it . i walked up to where he was sitting , and said , how do you do , mr . chillip . he was greatly fluttered by this unexpected address from a stranger , and replied , in his slow way , i thank you , sir , you are very good . thank you , sir . i hope you are well . you dont remember me . said i . well , sir , returned mr . chillip , smiling very meekly , and shaking his head as he surveyed me , i have a kind of an impression that something in your countenance is familiar to me , sir but i couldnt lay my hand upon your name , really . and yet you knew it , long before i knew it myself , i returned . did i indeed , sir . said mr . chillip . is it possible that i had the honour , sir , of officiating when  . yes , said i . dear me . cried mr . chillip . but no doubt you are a good deal changed since then , sir . probably , said i . well , sir , observed mr . chillip , i hope youll excuse me , if i am compelled to ask the favour of your name . on my telling him my name , he was really moved . he quite shook hands with me  was a violent proceeding for him , his usual course being to slide a tepid little fish slice, , an inch or two in advance of his hip , and evince the greatest discomposure when anybody grappled with it . even now , he put his hand in his coat pocket as soon as he could disengage it , and seemed relieved when he had got it safe back . dear me , sir . said mr . chillip , surveying me with his head on one side . and its mr . copperfield , is it . well , sir , i think i should have known you , if i had taken the liberty of looking more closely at you . theres a strong resemblance between you and your poor father , sir . i never had the happiness of seeing my father , i observed . very true , sir , said mr . chillip , in a soothing tone . and very much to be deplored it was , on all accounts . we are not ignorant , sir , said mr . chillip , slowly shaking his little head again , down in our part of the country , of your fame . there must be great excitement here , sir , said mr . chillip , tapping himself on the forehead with his forefinger . you must find it a trying occupation , sir . what is your part of the country now . i asked , seating myself near him . i am established within a few miles of bury st . edmunds , sir , said mr . chillip . mrs . chillip , coming into a little property in that neighbourhood , under her fathers will , i bought a practice down there , in which you will be glad to hear i am doing well . my daughter is growing quite a tall lass now , sir , said mr . chillip , giving his little head another little shake . her mother let down two tucks in her frocks only last week . such is time , you see , sir . as the little man put his now empty glass to his lips , when he made this reflection , i proposed to him to have it refilled , and i would keep him company with another . well , sir , he returned , in his slow way , its more than i am accustomed to but i cant deny myself the pleasure of your conversation . it seems but yesterday that i had the honour of attending you in the measles . you came through them charmingly , sir . i acknowledged this compliment , and ordered the negus , which was soon produced . quite an uncommon dissipation . said mr . chillip , stirring it , but i cant resist so extraordinary an occasion . you have no family , sir . i shook my head . i was aware that you sustained a bereavement , sir , some time ago , said mr . chillip . i heard it from your father in sister . very decided character there , sir . why , yes , said i , decided enough . where did you see her , mr . chillip . are you not aware , sir , returned mr . chillip , with his placidest smile , that your father in is again a neighbour of mine . no , said i . he is indeed , sir . said mr . chillip . married a young lady of that part , with a very good little property , poor thing . this action of the brain now , sir . dont you find it fatigue you . said mr . chillip , looking at me like an admiring robin . i waived that question , and returned to the murdstones . i was aware of his being married again . do you attend the family . i asked . not regularly . i have been called in , he replied . strong phrenological developments of the organ of firmness , in mr . murdstone and his sister , sir . i replied with such an expressive look , that mr . chillip was emboldened by that , and the negus together , to give his head several short shakes , and thoughtfully exclaim , ah , dear me . we remember old times , mr . copperfield . and the brother and sister are pursuing their old course , are they . said i . well , sir , replied mr . chillip , a medical man , being so much in families , ought to have neither eyes nor ears for anything but his profession . still , i must say , they are very severe , sir both as to this life and the next . the next will be regulated without much reference to them , i dare say , i returned what are they doing as to this . mr . chillip shook his head , stirred his negus , and sipped it . she was a charming woman , sir . he observed in a plaintive manner . the present mrs . murdstone . a charming woman indeed , sir , said mr . chillip as amiable , i am sure , as it was possible to be . mrs . chillips opinion is , that her spirit has been entirely broken since her marriage , and that she is all but melancholy mad . and the ladies , observed mr . chillip , timorously , are great observers , sir . i suppose she was to be subdued and broken to their detestable mould , heaven help her . said i . and she has been . well , sir , there were violent quarrels at first , i assure you , said mr . chillip but she is quite a shadow now . would it be considered forward if i was to say to you , sir , in confidence , that since the sister came to help , the brother and sister between them have nearly reduced her to a state of imbecility . i told him i could easily believe it . i have no hesitation in saying , said mr . chillip , fortifying himself with another sip of negus , between you and me , sir , that her mother died of it  that tyranny , gloom , and worry have made mrs . murdstone nearly imbecile . she was a lively young woman , sir , before marriage , and their gloom and austerity destroyed her . they go about with her , now , more like her keepers than her husband and sister in . that was mrs . chillips remark to me , only last week . and i assure you , sir , the ladies are great observers . mrs . chillip herself is a great observer . does he gloomily profess to be i am ashamed to use the word in such association religious still . i inquired . you anticipate , sir , said mr . chillip , his eyelids getting quite red with the unwonted stimulus in which he was indulging . one of mrs . chillips most impressive remarks . mrs . chillip , he proceeded , in the calmest and slowest manner , quite electrified me , by pointing out that mr . murdstone sets up an image of himself , and calls it the divine nature . you might have knocked me down on the flat of my back , sir , with the feather of a pen , i assure you , when mrs . chillip said so . the ladies are great observers , sir . intuitively , said i , to his extreme delight . i am very happy to receive such support in my opinion , sir , he rejoined . it is not often that i venture to give a non medical opinion , i assure you . mr . murdstone delivers public addresses sometimes , and it is said  , short , sir , it is said by mrs . chillip  , the darker tyrant he has lately been , the more ferocious is his doctrine . i believe mrs . chillip to be perfectly right , said i . mrs . chillip does go so far as to say , pursued the meekest of little men , much encouraged , that what such people miscall their religion , is a vent for their bad humours and arrogance . and do you know i must say , sir , he continued , mildly laying his head on one side , that i dont find authority for mr . and miss murdstone in the new testament . i never found it either . said i . in the meantime , sir , said mr . chillip , they are much disliked and as they are very free in consigning everybody who dislikes them to perdition , we really have a good deal of perdition going on in our neighbourhood . however , as mrs . chillip says , sir , they undergo a continual punishment for they are turned inward , to feed upon their own hearts , and their own hearts are very bad feeding . now , sir , about that brain of yours , if youll excuse my returning to it . dont you expose it to a good deal of excitement , sir . i found it not difficult , in the excitement of mr . chillips own brain , under his potations of negus , to divert his attention from this topic to his own affairs , on which , for the next half hour, , he was quite loquacious giving me to understand , among other pieces of information , that he was then at the grays inn coffee house to lay his professional evidence before a commission of lunacy , touching the state of mind of a patient who had become deranged from excessive drinking . and i assure you , sir , he said , i am extremely nervous on such occasions . i could not support being what is called bullied , sir . it would quite unman me . do you know it was some time before i recovered the conduct of that alarming lady , on the night of your birth , mr . copperfield . i told him that i was going down to my aunt , the dragon of that night , early in the morning and that she was one of the most tender hearted and excellent of women , as he would know full well if he knew her better . the mere notion of the possibility of his ever seeing her again , appeared to terrify him . he replied with a small pale smile , is she so , indeed , sir . really . and almost immediately called for a candle , and went to bed , as if he were not quite safe anywhere else . he did not actually stagger under the negus but i should think his placid little pulse must have made two or three more beats in a minute , than it had done since the great night of my aunts disappointment , when she struck at him with her bonnet . thoroughly tired , i went to bed too , at midnight passed the next day on the dover coach burst safe and sound into my aunts old parlour while she was at tea and was received by her , and mr . dick , and dear old peggotty , who acted as housekeeper , with open arms and tears of joy . my aunt was mightily amused , when we began to talk composedly , by my account of my meeting with mr . chillip , and of his holding her in such dread remembrance and both she and peggotty had a great deal to say about my poor mothers second husband , and that murdering woman of a sister  , whom i think no pain or penalty would have induced my aunt to bestow any christian or proper name , or any other designation . chapter . agnes my aunt and i , when we were left alone , talked far into the night . how the emigrants never wrote home , otherwise than cheerfully and hopefully how mr . micawber had actually remitted divers small sums of money , on account of those pecuniary liabilities , in reference to which he had been so business like as between man and man how janet , returning into my aunts service when she came back to dover , had finally carried out her renunciation of mankind by entering into wedlock with a thriving tavern keeper and how my aunt had finally set her seal on the same great principle , by aiding and abetting the bride , and crowning the marriage ceremony with her presence were among our topics  more or less familiar to me through the letters i had . mr . dick , as usual , was not forgotten . my aunt informed me how he incessantly occupied himself in copying everything he could lay his hands on , and kept king charles the first at a respectful distance by that semblance of employment how it was one of the main joys and rewards of her life that he was free and happy , instead of pining in monotonous restraint and how nobody but she could ever fully know what he was . and when , trot , said my aunt , patting the back of my hand , as we sat in our old way before the fire , when are you going over to canterbury . i shall get a horse , and ride over tomorrow morning , aunt , unless you will go with me . no . said my aunt , in her short abrupt way . i mean to stay where i am . then , i should ride , i said . i could not have come through canterbury today without stopping , if i had been coming to anyone but her . she was pleased , but answered , tut , trot my old bones would have kept till tomorrow . and softly patted my hand again , as i sat looking thoughtfully at the fire . thoughtfully , for i could not be here once more , and so near agnes , without the revival of those regrets with which i had so long been occupied . softened regrets they might be , teaching me what i had failed to learn when my younger life was all before me , but not the less regrets . oh , trot , i seemed to hear my aunt say once more and i understood her better now  , blind , . we both kept silence for some minutes . when i raised my eyes , i found that she was steadily observant of me . perhaps she had followed the current of my mind for it seemed to me an easy one to track now , wilful as it had been once . you will find her father a white haired old man , said my aunt , though a better man in all other respects  reclaimed man . neither will you find him measuring all human interests , and joys , and sorrows , with his one poor little inch rule now . trust me , child , such things must shrink very much , before they can be measured off in that way . indeed they must , said i . you will find her , pursued my aunt , as good , as beautiful , as earnest , as disinterested , as she has always been . if i knew higher praise , trot , i would bestow it on her . there was no higher praise for her no higher reproach for me . oh , how had i strayed so far away . if she trains the young girls whom she has about her , to be like herself , said my aunt , earnest even to the filling of her eyes with tears , heaven knows , her life will be well employed . useful and happy , as she said that day . how could she be otherwise than useful and happy . has agnes any  i was thinking aloud , rather than speaking . well . hey . any what . said my aunt , sharply . any lover , said i . a score , cried my aunt , with a kind of indignant pride . she might have married twenty times , my dear , since you have been gone . no doubt , said i . no doubt . but has she any lover who is worthy of her . agnes could care for no other . my aunt sat musing for a little while , with her chin upon her hand . slowly raising her eyes to mine , she said i suspect she has an attachment , trot . a prosperous one . said i . trot , returned my aunt gravely , i cant say . i have no right to tell you even so much . she has never confided it to me , but i suspect it . she looked so attentively and anxiously at me that i felt now , more than ever , that she had followed my late thoughts . i summoned all the resolutions i had made , in all those many days and nights , and all those many conflicts of my heart . if it should be so , i began , and i hope it is  i dont know that it is , said my aunt curtly . you must not be ruled by my suspicions . you must keep them secret . they are very slight , perhaps . i have no right to speak . if it should be so , i repeated , agnes will tell me at her own good time . a sister to whom i have confided so much , aunt , will not be reluctant to confide in me . my aunt withdrew her eyes from mine , as slowly as she had turned them upon me and covered them thoughtfully with her hand . by and by she put her other hand on my shoulder and so we both sat , looking into the past , without saying another word , until we parted for the night . i rode away , early in the morning , for the scene of my old school days . i cannot say that i was yet quite happy , in the hope that i was gaining a victory over myself even in the prospect of so soon looking on her face again . the well remembered ground was soon traversed , and i came into the quiet streets , where every stone was a boys book to me . i went on foot to the old house , and went away with a heart too full to enter . i returned and looking , as i passed , through the low window of the turret room where first uriah heep , and afterwards mr . micawber , had been wont to sit , saw that it was a little parlour now , and that there was no office . otherwise the staid old house was , as to its cleanliness and order , still just as it had been when i first saw it . i requested the new maid who admitted me , to tell miss wickfield that a gentleman who waited on her from a friend abroad , was there and i was shown up the grave old staircase into the unchanged drawing room . the books that agnes and i had read together , were on their shelves and the desk where i had laboured at my lessons , many a night , stood yet at the same old corner of the table . all the little changes that had crept in when the heeps were there , were changed again . everything was as it used to be , in the happy time . i stood in a window , and looked across the ancient street at the opposite houses , recalling how i had watched them on wet afternoons , when i first came there and how i had used to speculate about the people who appeared at any of the windows , and had followed them with my eyes up and down stairs , while women went clicking along the pavement in pattens , and the dull rain fell in slanting lines , and poured out of the water spout yonder , and flowed into the road . the feeling with which i used to watch the tramps , as they came into the town on those wet evenings , at dusk , and limped past , with their bundles drooping over their shoulders at the ends of sticks , came freshly back to me fraught , as then , with the smell of damp earth , and wet leaves and briar , and the sensation of the very airs that blew upon me in my own toilsome journey . the opening of the little door in the panelled wall made me start and turn . her beautiful serene eyes met mine as she came towards me . she stopped and laid her hand upon her bosom , and i caught her in my arms . agnes . my dear girl . i have come too suddenly upon you . no , . i am so rejoiced to see you , trotwood . dear agnes , the happiness it is to me , to see you once again . i folded her to my heart , and , for a little while , we were both silent . presently we sat down , side by side and her angel face was turned upon me with the welcome i had dreamed of , waking and sleeping , for whole years . she was so true , she was so beautiful , she was so good  , owed her so much gratitude , she was so dear to me , that i could find no utterance for what i felt . i tried to bless her , tried to thank her , tried to tell her what an influence she had upon me but all my efforts were in vain . my love and joy were dumb . with her own sweet tranquillity , she calmed my agitation led me back to the time of our parting spoke to me of emily , whom she had visited , in secret , many times spoke to me tenderly of doras grave . with the unerring instinct of her noble heart , she touched the chords of my memory so softly and harmoniously , that not one jarred within me i could listen to the sorrowful , distant music , and desire to shrink from nothing it awoke . how could i , when , blended with it all , was her dear self , the better angel of my life . and you , agnes , i said , by and by . tell me of yourself . you have hardly ever told me of your own life , in all this lapse of time . what should i tell . she answered , with her radiant smile . papa is well . you see us here , quiet in our own home our anxieties set at rest , our home restored to us and knowing that , dear trotwood , you know all . all , agnes . said i . she looked at me , with some fluttering wonder in her face . is there nothing else , sister . i said . her colour , which had just now faded , returned , and faded again . she smiled with a quiet sadness , i thought and shook her head . i had sought to lead her to what my aunt had hinted at for , sharply painful to me as it must be to receive that confidence , i was to discipline my heart , and do my duty to her . i saw , however , that she was uneasy , and i let it pass . you have much to do , dear agnes . with my school . said she , looking up again , in all her bright composure . yes . it is laborious , is it not . the labour is so pleasant , she returned , that it is scarcely grateful in me to call it by that name . nothing good is difficult to you , said i . her colour came and went once more and once more , as she bent her head , i saw the same sad smile . you will wait and see papa , said agnes , cheerfully , and pass the day with us . perhaps you will sleep in your own room . we always call it yours . i could not do that , having promised to ride back to my aunts at night but i would pass the day there , joyfully . i must be a prisoner for a little while , said agnes , but here are the old books , trotwood , and the old music . even the old flowers are here , said i , looking round or the old kinds . i have found a pleasure , returned agnes , smiling , while you have been absent , in keeping everything as it used to be when we were children . for we were very happy then , i think . heaven knows we were . said i . and every little thing that has reminded me of my brother , said agnes , with her cordial eyes turned cheerfully upon me , has been a welcome companion . even this , showing me the basket trifle, , full of keys , still hanging at her side , seems to jingle a kind of old tune . she smiled again , and went out at the door by which she had come . it was for me to guard this sisterly affection with religious care . it was all that i had left myself , and it was a treasure . if i once shook the foundations of the sacred confidence and usage , in virtue of which it was given to me , it was lost , and could never be recovered . i set this steadily before myself . the better i loved her , the more it behoved me never to forget it . i walked through the streets and , once more seeing my old adversary the butcher  a constable , with his staff hanging up in the shop  down to look at the place where i had fought him and there meditated on miss shepherd and the eldest miss larkins , and all the idle loves and likings , and dislikings , of that time . nothing seemed to have survived that time but agnes and she , ever a star above me , was brighter and higher . when i returned , mr . wickfield had come home , from a garden he had , a couple of miles or so out of town , where he now employed himself almost every day . i found him as my aunt had described him . we sat down to dinner , with some half dozen little girls and he seemed but the shadow of his handsome picture on the wall . the tranquillity and peace belonging , of old , to that quiet ground in my memory , pervaded it again . when dinner was done , mr . wickfield taking no wine , and i desiring none , we went up stairs where agnes and her little charges sang and played , and worked . after tea the children left us and we three sat together , talking of the bygone days . my part in them , said mr . wickfield , shaking his white head , has much matter for regret  deep regret , and deep contrition , trotwood , you well know . but i would not cancel it , if it were in my power . i could readily believe that , looking at the face beside him . i should cancel with it , he pursued , such patience and devotion , such fidelity , such a childs love , as i must not forget , no . even to forget myself . i understand you , sir , i softly said . i hold it  have always held it  veneration . but no one knows , not even you , he returned , how much she has done , how much she has undergone , how hard she has striven . dear agnes . she had put her hand entreatingly on his arm , to stop him and was very , pale . well , . he said with a sigh , dismissing , as i then saw , some trial she had borne , or was yet to bear , in connexion with what my aunt had told me . well . i have never told you , trotwood , of her mother . has anyone . never , sir . its not much  it was much to suffer . she married me in opposition to her fathers wish , and he renounced her . she prayed him to forgive her , before my agnes came into this world . he was a very hard man , and her mother had long been dead . he repulsed her . he broke her heart . agnes leaned upon his shoulder , and stole her arm about his neck . she had an affectionate and gentle heart , he said and it was broken . i knew its tender nature very well . no one could , if i did not . she loved me dearly , but was never happy . she was always labouring , in secret , under this distress and being delicate and downcast at the time of his last repulse  it was not the first , by many  away and died . she left me agnes , two weeks old and the grey hair that you recollect me with , when you first came . he kissed agnes on her cheek . my love for my dear child was a diseased love , but my mind was all unhealthy then . i say no more of that . i am not speaking of myself , trotwood , but of her mother , and of her . if i give you any clue to what i am , or to what i have been , you will unravel it , i know . what agnes is , i need not say . i have always read something of her poor mothers story , in her character and so i tell it you tonight , when we three are again together , after such great changes . i have told it all . his bowed head , and her angel face and filial duty , derived a more pathetic meaning from it than they had before . if i had wanted anything by which to mark this night of our re union, , i should have found it in this . agnes rose up from her fathers side , before long and going softly to her piano , played some of the old airs to which we had often listened in that place . have you any intention of going away again . agnes asked me , as i was standing by . what does my sister say to that . i hope not . then i have no such intention , agnes . i think you ought not , trotwood , since you ask me , she said , mildly . your growing reputation and success enlarge your power of doing good and if i could spare my brother , with her eyes upon me , perhaps the time could not . what i am , you have made me , agnes . you should know best . i made you , trotwood . yes . agnes , my dear girl . i said , bending over her . i tried to tell you , when we met today , something that has been in my thoughts since dora died . you remember , when you came down to me in our little room  upward , agnes . oh , trotwood . she returned , her eyes filled with tears . so loving , so confiding , and so young . can i ever forget . as you were then , my sister , i have often thought since , you have ever been to me . ever pointing upward , agnes ever leading me to something better ever directing me to higher things . she only shook her head through her tears i saw the same sad quiet smile . and i am so grateful to you for it , agnes , so bound to you , that there is no name for the affection of my heart . i want you to know , yet dont know how to tell you , that all my life long i shall look up to you , and be guided by you , as i have been through the darkness that is past . whatever betides , whatever new ties you may form , whatever changes may come between us , i shall always look to you , and love you , as i do now , and have always done . you will always be my solace and resource , as you have always been . until i die , my dearest sister , i shall see you always before me , pointing upward . she put her hand in mine , and told me she was proud of me , and of what i said although i praised her very far beyond her worth . then she went on softly playing , but without removing her eyes from me . do you know , what i have heard tonight , agnes , said i , strangely seems to be a part of the feeling with which i regarded you when i saw you first  which i sat beside you in my rough school days . you knew i had no mother , she replied with a smile , and felt kindly towards me . more than that , agnes , i knew , almost as if i had known this story , that there was something inexplicably gentle and softened , surrounding you something that might have been sorrowful in someone else as i can now understand it was , but was not so in you . she softly played on , looking at me still . will you laugh at my cherishing such fancies , agnes . no . or at my saying that i really believe i felt , even then , that you could be faithfully affectionate against all discouragement , and never cease to be so , until you ceased to live . you laugh at such a dream . oh , no . oh , no . for an instant , a distressful shadow crossed her face but , even in the start it gave me , it was gone and she was playing on , and looking at me with her own calm smile . as i rode back in the lonely night , the wind going by me like a restless memory , i thought of this , and feared she was not happy . i was not happy but , thus far , i had faithfully set the seal upon the past , and , thinking of her , pointing upward , thought of her as pointing to that sky above me , where , in the mystery to come , i might yet love her with a love unknown on earth , and tell her what the strife had been within me when i loved her here . chapter . i am shown two interesting penitents for a time  all events until my book should be completed , which would be the work of several months  took up my abode in my aunts house at dover and there , sitting in the window from which i had looked out at the moon upon the sea , when that roof first gave me shelter , i quietly pursued my task . in pursuance of my intention of referring to my own fictions only when their course should incidentally connect itself with the progress of my story , i do not enter on the aspirations , the delights , anxieties , and triumphs of my art . that i truly devoted myself to it with my strongest earnestness , and bestowed upon it every energy of my soul , i have already said . if the books i have written be of any worth , they will supply the rest . i shall otherwise have written to poor purpose , and the rest will be of interest to no one . occasionally , i went to london to lose myself in the swarm of life there , or to consult with traddles on some business point . he had managed for me , in my absence , with the soundest judgement and my worldly affairs were prospering . as my notoriety began to bring upon me an enormous quantity of letters from people of whom i had no knowledge  about nothing , and extremely difficult to answer  agreed with traddles to have my name painted up on his door . there , the devoted postman on that beat delivered bushels of letters for me and there , at intervals , i laboured through them , like a home secretary of state without the salary . among this correspondence , there dropped in , every now and then , an obliging proposal from one of the numerous outsiders always lurking about the commons , to practise under cover of my name if i would take the necessary steps remaining to make a proctor of myself , and pay me a percentage on the profits . but i declined these offers being already aware that there were plenty of such covert practitioners in existence , and considering the commons quite bad enough , without my doing anything to make it worse . the girls had gone home , when my name burst into bloom on traddless door and the sharp boy looked , all day , as if he had never heard of sophy , shut up in a back room , glancing down from her work into a sooty little strip of garden with a pump in it . but there i always found her , the same bright housewife often humming her devonshire ballads when no strange foot was coming up the stairs , and blunting the sharp boy in his official closet with melody . i wondered , at first , why i so often found sophy writing in a copy book and why she always shut it up when i appeared , and hurried it into the table drawer . but the secret soon came out . one day , traddles who had just come home through the drizzling sleet from court took a paper out of his desk , and asked me what i thought of that handwriting . oh , dont , tom . cried sophy , who was warming his slippers before the fire . my dear , returned tom , in a delighted state , why not . what do you say to that writing , copperfield . its extraordinarily legal and formal , said i . i dont think i ever saw such a stiff hand . not like a ladys hand , is it . said traddles . a ladys . i repeated . bricks and mortar are more like a ladys hand . traddles broke into a rapturous laugh , and informed me that it was sophys writing that sophy had vowed and declared he would need a copying clerk soon , and she would be that clerk that she had acquired this hand from a pattern and that she could throw off  forget how many folios an hour . sophy was very much confused by my being told all this , and said that when tom was made a judge he wouldnt be so ready to proclaim it . which tom denied averring that he should always be equally proud of it , under all circumstances . what a thoroughly good and charming wife she is , my dear traddles . said i , when she had gone away , laughing . my dear copperfield , returned traddles , she is , without any exception , the dearest girl . the way she manages this place her punctuality , domestic knowledge , economy , and order her cheerfulness , copperfield . indeed , you have reason to commend her . i returned . you are a happy fellow . i believe you make yourselves , and each other , two of the happiest people in the world . i am sure we are two of the happiest people , returned traddles . i admit that , at all events . bless my soul , when i see her getting up by candle light on these dark mornings , busying herself in the days arrangements , going out to market before the clerks come into the inn , caring for no weather , devising the most capital little dinners out of the plainest materials , making puddings and pies , keeping everything in its right place , always so neat and ornamental herself , sitting up at night with me if its ever so late , sweet tempered and encouraging always , and all for me , i positively sometimes cant believe it , copperfield . he was tender of the very slippers she had been warming , as he put them on , and stretched his feet enjoyingly upon the fender . i positively sometimes cant believe it , said traddles . then our pleasures . dear me , they are inexpensive , but they are quite wonderful . when we are at home here , of an evening , and shut the outer door , and draw those curtains  she made  could we be more snug . when its fine , and we go out for a walk in the evening , the streets abound in enjoyment for us . we look into the glittering windows of the jewellers shops and i show sophy which of the diamond eyed serpents , coiled up on white satin rising grounds , i would give her if i could afford it and sophy shows me which of the gold watches that are capped and jewelled and engine turned, , and possessed of the horizontal lever escape , and all sorts of things , she would buy for me if she could afford it and we pick out the spoons and forks , fish slices, , butter knives, , and sugar tongs, , we should both prefer if we could both afford it and really we go away as if we had got them . then , when we stroll into the squares , and great streets , and see a house to let , sometimes we look up at it , and say , how would that do , if i was made a judge . and we parcel it out  a room for us , such rooms for the girls , and so forth until we settle to our satisfaction that it would do , or it wouldnt do , as the case may be . sometimes , we go at half price to the pit of the theatre  very smell of which is cheap , in my opinion , at the money  there we thoroughly enjoy the play which sophy believes every word of , and so do i . in walking home , perhaps we buy a little bit of something at a cooks shop, , or a little lobster at the fishmongers , and bring it here , and make a splendid supper , chatting about what we have seen . now , you know , copperfield , if i was lord chancellor , we couldnt do this . you would do something , whatever you were , my dear traddles , thought i , that would be pleasant and amiable . and by the way , i said aloud , i suppose you never draw any skeletons now . really , replied traddles , laughing , and reddening , i cant wholly deny that i do , my dear copperfield . for being in one of the back rows of the kings bench the other day , with a pen in my hand , the fancy came into my head to try how i had preserved that accomplishment . and i am afraid theres a skeleton  a wig  the ledge of the desk . after we had both laughed heartily , traddles wound up by looking with a smile at the fire , and saying , in his forgiving way , old creakle . i have a letter from that old  here , said i . for i never was less disposed to forgive him the way he used to batter traddles , than when i saw traddles so ready to forgive him himself . from creakle the schoolmaster . exclaimed traddles . no . among the persons who are attracted to me in my rising fame and fortune , said i , looking over my letters , and who discover that they were always much attached to me , is the self same creakle . he is not a schoolmaster now , traddles . he is retired . he is a middlesex magistrate . i thought traddles might be surprised to hear it , but he was not so at all . how do you suppose he comes to be a middlesex magistrate . said i . oh dear me . replied traddles , it would be very difficult to answer that question . perhaps he voted for somebody , or lent money to somebody , or bought something of somebody , or otherwise obliged somebody , or jobbed for somebody , who knew somebody who got the lieutenant of the county to nominate him for the commission . on the commission he is , at any rate , said i . and he writes to me here , that he will be glad to show me , in operation , the only true system of prison discipline the only unchallengeable way of making sincere and lasting converts and penitents  , you know , is by solitary confinement . what do you say . to the system . inquired traddles , looking grave . no . to my accepting the offer , and your going with me . i dont object , said traddles . then ill write to say so . you remember to say nothing of our treatment this same creakle turning his son out of doors , i suppose , and the life he used to lead his wife and daughter . perfectly , said traddles . yet , if youll read his letter , youll find he is the tenderest of men to prisoners convicted of the whole calendar of felonies , said i though i cant find that his tenderness extends to any other class of created beings . traddles shrugged his shoulders , and was not at all surprised . i had not expected him to be , and was not surprised myself or my observation of similar practical satires would have been but scanty . we arranged the time of our visit , and i wrote accordingly to mr . creakle that evening . on the appointed day  think it was the next day , but no matter  and i repaired to the prison where mr . creakle was powerful . it was an immense and solid building , erected at a vast expense . i could not help thinking , as we approached the gate , what an uproar would have been made in the country , if any deluded man had proposed to spend one half the money it had cost , on the erection of an industrial school for the young , or a house of refuge for the deserving old . in an office that might have been on the ground floor of the tower of babel , it was so massively constructed , we were presented to our old schoolmaster who was one of a group , composed of two or three of the busier sort of magistrates , and some visitors they had brought . he received me , like a man who had formed my mind in bygone years , and had always loved me tenderly . on my introducing traddles , mr . creakle expressed , in like manner , but in an inferior degree , that he had always been traddless guide , philosopher , and friend . our venerable instructor was a great deal older , and not improved in appearance . his face was as fiery as ever his eyes were as small , and rather deeper set . the scanty , wet looking grey hair , by which i remembered him , was almost gone and the thick veins in his bald head were none the more agreeable to look at . after some conversation among these gentlemen , from which i might have supposed that there was nothing in the world to be legitimately taken into account but the supreme comfort of prisoners , at any expense , and nothing on the wide earth to be done outside prison doors, , we began our inspection . it being then just dinner time, , we went , first into the great kitchen , where every prisoners dinner was in course of being set out separately with the regularity and precision of clock work . i said aside , to traddles , that i wondered whether it occurred to anybody , that there was a striking contrast between these plentiful repasts of choice quality , and the dinners , not to say of paupers , but of soldiers , sailors , labourers , the great bulk of the honest , working community of whom not one man in five hundred ever dined half so well . but i learned that the system required high living and , in short , to dispose of the system , once for all , i found that on that head and on all others , the system put an end to all doubts , and disposed of all anomalies . nobody appeared to have the least idea that there was any other system , but the system , to be considered . as we were going through some of the magnificent passages , i inquired of mr . creakle and his friends what were supposed to be the main advantages of this all governing and universally over riding system . i found them to be the perfect isolation of prisoners  that no one man in confinement there , knew anything about another and the reduction of prisoners to a wholesome state of mind , leading to sincere contrition and repentance . now , it struck me , when we began to visit individuals in their cells , and to traverse the passages in which those cells were , and to have the manner of the going to chapel and so forth , explained to us , that there was a strong probability of the prisoners knowing a good deal about each other , and of their carrying on a pretty complete system of intercourse . this , at the time i write , has been proved , i believe , to be the case but , as it would have been flat blasphemy against the system to have hinted such a doubt then , i looked out for the penitence as diligently as i could . and here again , i had great misgivings . i found as prevalent a fashion in the form of the penitence , as i had left outside in the forms of the coats and waistcoats in the windows of the tailors shops . i found a vast amount of profession , varying very little in character varying very little even in words . i found a great many foxes , disparaging whole vineyards of inaccessible grapes but i found very few foxes whom i would have trusted within reach of a bunch . above all , i found that the most professing men were the greatest objects of interest and that their conceit , their vanity , their want of excitement , and their love of deception which many of them possessed to an almost incredible extent , as their histories showed , all prompted to these professions , and were all gratified by them . however , i heard so repeatedly , in the course of our goings to and fro , of a certain number twenty seven , who was the favourite , and who really appeared to be a model prisoner , that i resolved to suspend my judgement until i should see twenty seven . twenty eight , i understood , was also a bright particular star but it was his misfortune to have his glory a little dimmed by the extraordinary lustre of twenty seven . i heard so much of twenty seven , of his pious admonitions to everybody around him , and of the beautiful letters he constantly wrote to his mother whom he seemed to consider in a very bad way , that i became quite impatient to see him . i had to restrain my impatience for some time , on account of twenty seven being reserved for a concluding effect . but , at last , we came to the door of his cell and mr . creakle , looking through a little hole in it , reported to us , in a state of the greatest admiration , that he was reading a hymn book . there was such a rush of heads immediately , to see number twenty seven reading his hymn book , that the little hole was blocked up , six or seven heads deep . to remedy this inconvenience , and give us an opportunity of conversing with twenty seven in all his purity , mr . creakle directed the door of the cell to be unlocked , and twenty seven to be invited out into the passage . this was done and whom should traddles and i then behold , to our amazement , in this converted number twenty seven , but uriah heep . he knew us directly and said , as he came out  the old writhe  , how do you do , mr . copperfield . how do you do , mr . traddles . this recognition caused a general admiration in the party . i rather thought that everyone was struck by his not being proud , and taking notice of us . well , twenty seven , said mr . creakle , mournfully admiring him . how do you find yourself today . i am very umble , sir . replied uriah heep . you are always so , twenty seven , said mr . creakle . here , another gentleman asked , with extreme anxiety are you quite comfortable . yes , i thank you , sir . said uriah heep , looking in that direction . far more comfortable here , than ever i was outside . i see my follies , now , sir . thats what makes me comfortable . several gentlemen were much affected and a third questioner , forcing himself to the front , inquired with extreme feeling how do you find the beef . thank you , sir , replied uriah , glancing in the new direction of this voice , it was tougher yesterday than i could wish but its my duty to bear . i have committed follies , gentlemen , said uriah , looking round with a meek smile , and i ought to bear the consequences without repining . a murmur , partly of gratification at twenty sevens celestial state of mind , and partly of indignation against the contractor who had given him any cause of complaint a note of which was immediately made by mr . creakle , having subsided , twenty seven stood in the midst of us , as if he felt himself the principal object of merit in a highly meritorious museum . that we , the neophytes , might have an excess of light shining upon us all at once , orders were given to let out twenty eight . i had been so much astonished already , that i only felt a kind of resigned wonder when mr . littimer walked forth , reading a good book . twenty eight , said a gentleman in spectacles , who had not yet spoken , you complained last week , my good fellow , of the cocoa . how has it been since . i thank you , sir , said mr . littimer , it has been better made . if i might take the liberty of saying so , sir , i dont think the milk which is boiled with it is quite genuine but i am aware , sir , that there is a great adulteration of milk , in london , and that the article in a pure state is difficult to be obtained . it appeared to me that the gentleman in spectacles backed his twenty eight against mr . creakles twenty seven , for each of them took his own man in hand . what is your state of mind , twenty eight . said the questioner in spectacles . i thank you , sir , returned mr . littimer i see my follies now , sir . i am a good deal troubled when i think of the sins of my former companions , sir but i trust they may find forgiveness . you are quite happy yourself . said the questioner , nodding encouragement . i am much obliged to you , sir , returned mr . littimer . perfectly so . is there anything at all on your mind now . said the questioner . if so , mention it , twenty eight . sir , said mr . littimer , without looking up , if my eyes have not deceived me , there is a gentleman present who was acquainted with me in my former life . it may be profitable to that gentleman to know , sir , that i attribute my past follies , entirely to having lived a thoughtless life in the service of young men and to having allowed myself to be led by them into weaknesses , which i had not the strength to resist . i hope that gentleman will take warning , sir , and will not be offended at my freedom . it is for his good . i am conscious of my own past follies . i hope he may repent of all the wickedness and sin to which he has been a party . i observed that several gentlemen were shading their eyes , each with one hand , as if they had just come into church . this does you credit , twenty eight , returned the questioner . i should have expected it of you . is there anything else . sir , returned mr . littimer , slightly lifting up his eyebrows , but not his eyes , there was a young woman who fell into dissolute courses , that i endeavoured to save , sir , but could not rescue . i beg that gentleman , if he has it in his power , to inform that young woman from me that i forgive her bad conduct towards myself , and that i call her to repentance  he will be so good . i have no doubt , twenty eight , returned the questioner , that the gentleman you refer to feels very strongly  we all must  you have so properly said . we will not detain you . i thank you , sir , said mr . littimer . gentlemen , i wish you a good day , and hoping you and your families will also see your wickedness , and amend . with this , number twenty eight retired , after a glance between him and uriah as if they were not altogether unknown to each other , through some medium of communication and a murmur went round the group , as his door shut upon him , that he was a most respectable man , and a beautiful case . now , twenty seven , said mr . creakle , entering on a clear stage with his man , is there anything that anyone can do for you . if so , mention it . i would umbly ask , sir , returned uriah , with a jerk of his malevolent head , for leave to write again to mother . it shall certainly be granted , said mr . creakle . thank you , sir . i am anxious about mother . i am afraid she aint safe . somebody incautiously asked , what from . but there was a scandalized whisper of hush . immortally safe , sir , returned uriah , writhing in the direction of the voice . i should wish mother to be got into my state . i never should have been got into my present state if i hadnt come here . i wish mother had come here . it would be better for everybody , if they got took up , and was brought here . this sentiment gave unbounded satisfaction  i think , than anything that had passed yet . before i come here , said uriah , stealing a look at us , as if he would have blighted the outer world to which we belonged , if he could , i was given to follies but now i am sensible of my follies . theres a deal of sin outside . theres a deal of sin in mother . theres nothing but sin everywhere  here . you are quite changed . said mr . creakle . oh dear , yes , sir . cried this hopeful penitent . you wouldnt relapse , if you were going out . asked somebody else . oh de ar no , sir . well . said mr . creakle , this is very gratifying . you have addressed mr . copperfield , twenty seven . do you wish to say anything further to him . you knew me , a long time before i came here and was changed , mr . copperfield , said uriah , looking at me and a more villainous look i never saw , even on his visage . you knew me when , in spite of my follies , i was umble among them that was proud , and meek among them that was violent  was violent to me yourself , mr . copperfield . once , you struck me a blow in the face , you know . general commiseration . several indignant glances directed at me . but i forgive you , mr . copperfield , said uriah , making his forgiving nature the subject of a most impious and awful parallel , which i shall not record . i forgive everybody . it would ill become me to bear malice . i freely forgive you , and i hope youll curb your passions in future . i hope mr . w . will repent , and miss w . and all of that sinful lot . youve been visited with affliction , and i hope it may do you good but youd better have come here . mr . w . had better have come here , and miss w . too . the best wish i could give you , mr . copperfield , and give all of you gentlemen , is , that you could be took up and brought here . when i think of my past follies , and my present state , i am sure it would be best for you . i pity all who aint brought here . he sneaked back into his cell , amidst a little chorus of approbation and both traddles and i experienced a great relief when he was locked in . it was a characteristic feature in this repentance , that i was fain to ask what these two men had done , to be there at all . that appeared to be the last thing about which they had anything to say . i addressed myself to one of the two warders , who , i suspected from certain latent indications in their faces , knew pretty well what all this stir was worth . do you know , said i , as we walked along the passage , what felony was number twenty sevens last folly . the answer was that it was a bank case . a fraud on the bank of england . i asked . yes , sir . fraud , forgery , and conspiracy . he and some others . he set the others on . it was a deep plot for a large sum . sentence , transportation for life . twenty seven was the knowingest bird of the lot , and had very nearly kept himself safe but not quite . the bank was just able to put salt upon his tail  only just . do you know twenty eights offence . twenty eight , returned my informant , speaking throughout in a low tone , and looking over his shoulder as we walked along the passage , to guard himself from being overheard , in such an unlawful reference to these immaculates , by creakle and the rest twenty eight also transportation got a place , and robbed a young master of a matter of two hundred and fifty pounds in money and valuables , the night before they were going abroad . i particularly recollect his case , from his being took by a dwarf . a what . a little woman . i have forgot her name . not mowcher . thats it . he had eluded pursuit , and was going to america in a flaxen wig , and whiskers , and such a complete disguise as never you see in all your born days when the little woman , being in southampton , met him walking along the street  him out with her sharp eye in a moment  betwixt his legs to upset him  held on to him like grim death . excellent miss mowcher . cried i . youd have said so , if you had seen her , standing on a chair in the witness box at the trial , as i did , said my friend . he cut her face right open , and pounded her in the most brutal manner , when she took him but she never loosed her hold till he was locked up . she held so tight to him , in fact , that the officers were obliged to take em both together . she gave her evidence in the gamest way , and was highly complimented by the bench , and cheered right home to her lodgings . she said in court that shed have took him single handed on account of what she knew concerning him , if he had been samson . and its my belief she would . it was mine too , and i highly respected miss mowcher for it . we had now seen all there was to see . it would have been in vain to represent to such a man as the worshipful mr . creakle , that twenty seven and twenty eight were perfectly consistent and unchanged that exactly what they were then , they had always been that the hypocritical knaves were just the subjects to make that sort of profession in such a place that they knew its market value at least as well as we did , in the immediate service it would do them when they were expatriated in a word , that it was a rotten , hollow , painfully suggestive piece of business altogether . we left them to their system and themselves , and went home wondering . perhaps its a good thing , traddles , said i , to have an unsound hobby ridden hard for its the sooner ridden to death . i hope so , replied traddles . chapter . a light shines on my way the year came round to christmas time, , and i had been at home above two months . i had seen agnes frequently . however loud the general voice might be in giving me encouragement , and however fervent the emotions and endeavours to which it roused me , i heard her lightest word of praise as i heard nothing else . at least once a week , and sometimes oftener , i rode over there , and passed the evening . i usually rode back at night for the old unhappy sense was always hovering about me now  sorrowfully when i left her  i was glad to be up and out , rather than wandering over the past in weary wakefulness or miserable dreams . i wore away the longest part of many wild sad nights , in those rides reviving , as i went , the thoughts that had occupied me in my long absence . or , if i were to say rather that i listened to the echoes of those thoughts , i should better express the truth . they spoke to me from afar off . i had put them at a distance , and accepted my inevitable place . when i read to agnes what i wrote when i saw her listening face moved her to smiles or tears and heard her cordial voice so earnest on the shadowy events of that imaginative world in which i lived i thought what a fate mine might have been  only thought so , as i had thought after i was married to dora , what i could have wished my wife to be . my duty to agnes , who loved me with a love , which , if i disquieted , i wronged most selfishly and poorly , and could never restore my matured assurance that i , who had worked out my own destiny , and won what i had impetuously set my heart on , had no right to murmur , and must bear comprised what i felt and what i had learned . but i loved her and now it even became some consolation to me , vaguely to conceive a distant day when i might blamelessly avow it when all this should be over when i could say agnes , so it was when i came home and now i am old , and i never have loved since . she did not once show me any change in herself . what she always had been to me , she still was wholly unaltered . between my aunt and me there had been something , in this connexion , since the night of my return , which i cannot call a restraint , or an avoidance of the subject , so much as an implied understanding that we thought of it together , but did not shape our thoughts into words . when , according to our old custom , we sat before the fire at night , we often fell into this train as naturally , and as consciously to each other , as if we had unreservedly said so . but we preserved an unbroken silence . i believed that she had read , or partly read , my thoughts that night and that she fully comprehended why i gave mine no more distinct expression . this christmas time being come , and agnes having reposed no new confidence in me , a doubt that had several times arisen in my mind  she could have that perception of the true state of my breast , which restrained her with the apprehension of giving me pain  to oppress me heavily . if that were so , my sacrifice was nothing my plainest obligation to her unfulfilled and every poor action i had shrunk from , i was hourly doing . i resolved to set this right beyond all doubt  such a barrier were between us , to break it down at once with a determined hand . it was  lasting reason have i to remember it . cold , harsh , winter day . there had been snow , some hours before and it lay , not deep , but hard frozen on the ground . out at sea , beyond my window , the wind blew ruggedly from the north . i had been thinking of it , sweeping over those mountain wastes of snow in switzerland , then inaccessible to any human foot and had been speculating which was the lonelier , those solitary regions , or a deserted ocean . riding today , trot . said my aunt , putting her head in at the door . yes , said i , am going over to canterbury . its a good day for a ride . i hope your horse may think so too , said my aunt but at present he is holding down his head and his ears , standing before the door there , as if he thought his stable preferable . my aunt , i may observe , allowed my horse on the forbidden ground , but had not at all relented towards the donkeys . he will be fresh enough , presently . said i . the ride will do his master good , at all events , observed my aunt , glancing at the papers on my table . ah , child , you pass a good many hours here . i never thought , when i used to read books , what work it was to write them . its work enough to read them , sometimes , i returned . as to the writing , it has its own charms , aunt . ah . i see . said my aunt . ambition , love of approbation , sympathy , and much more , i suppose . well go along with you . do you know anything more , said i , standing composedly before her  had patted me on the shoulder , and sat down in my chair  that attachment of agnes . she looked up in my face a little while , before replying i think i do , trot . are you confirmed in your impression . i inquired . i think i am , trot . she looked so steadfastly at me with a kind of doubt , or pity , or suspense in her affection that i summoned the stronger determination to show her a perfectly cheerful face . and what is more , trot  said my aunt . yes . i think agnes is going to be married . god bless her . said i , cheerfully . god bless her . said my aunt , and her husband too . i echoed it , parted from my aunt , and went lightly downstairs , mounted , and rode away . there was greater reason than before to do what i had resolved to do . how well i recollect the wintry ride . the frozen particles of ice , brushed from the blades of grass by the wind , and borne across my face the hard clatter of the horses hoofs , beating a tune upon the ground the stiff tilled soil the snowdrift , lightly eddying in the chalk pit as the breeze ruffled it the smoking team with the waggon of old hay , stopping to breathe on the hill top, , and shaking their bells musically the whitened slopes and sweeps of down land lying against the dark sky , as if they were drawn on a huge slate . i found agnes alone . the little girls had gone to their own homes now , and she was alone by the fire , reading . she put down her book on seeing me come in and having welcomed me as usual , took her work basket and sat in one of the old fashioned windows . i sat beside her on the window seat, , and we talked of what i was doing , and when it would be done , and of the progress i had made since my last visit . agnes was very cheerful and laughingly predicted that i should soon become too famous to be talked to , on such subjects . so i make the most of the present time , you see , said agnes , and talk to you while i may . as i looked at her beautiful face , observant of her work , she raised her mild clear eyes , and saw that i was looking at her . you are thoughtful today , trotwood . agnes , shall i tell you what about . i came to tell you . she put aside her work , as she was used to do when we were seriously discussing anything and gave me her whole attention . my dear agnes , do you doubt my being true to you . no . she answered , with a look of astonishment . do you doubt my being what i always have been to you . no . she answered , as before . do you remember that i tried to tell you , when i came home , what a debt of gratitude i owed you , dearest agnes , and how fervently i felt towards you . i remember it , she said , gently , very well . you have a secret , said i . let me share it , agnes . she cast down her eyes , and trembled . i could hardly fail to know , even if i had not heard  from other lips than yours , agnes , which seems strange  there is someone upon whom you have bestowed the treasure of your love . do not shut me out of what concerns your happiness so nearly . if you can trust me , as you say you can , and as i know you may , let me be your friend , your brother , in this matter , of all others . with an appealing , almost a reproachful , glance , she rose from the window and hurrying across the room as if without knowing where , put her hands before her face , and burst into such tears as smote me to the heart . and yet they awakened something in me , bringing promise to my heart . without my knowing why , these tears allied themselves with the quietly sad smile which was so fixed in my remembrance , and shook me more with hope than fear or sorrow . agnes . sister . dearest . what have i done . let me go away , trotwood . i am not well . i am not myself . i will speak to you by and by  time . i will write to you . dont speak to me now . dont . dont . i sought to recollect what she had said , when i had spoken to her on that former night , of her affection needing no return . it seemed a very world that i must search through in a moment . agnes , i cannot bear to see you so , and think that i have been the cause . my dearest girl , dearer to me than anything in life , if you are unhappy , let me share your unhappiness . if you are in need of help or counsel , let me try to give it to you . if you have indeed a burden on your heart , let me try to lighten it . for whom do i live now , agnes , if it is not for you . oh , spare me . i am not myself . another time . was all i could distinguish . was it a selfish error that was leading me away . or , having once a clue to hope , was there something opening to me that i had not dared to think of . i must say more . i cannot let you leave me so . for heavens sake , agnes , let us not mistake each other after all these years , and all that has come and gone with them . i must speak plainly . if you have any lingering thought that i could envy the happiness you will confer that i could not resign you to a dearer protector , of your own choosing that i could not , from my removed place , be a contented witness of your joy dismiss it , for i dont deserve it . i have not suffered quite in vain . you have not taught me quite in vain . there is no alloy of self in what i feel for you . she was quiet now . in a little time , she turned her pale face towards me , and said in a low voice , broken here and there , but very clear i owe it to your pure friendship for me , trotwood  , indeed , i do not doubt  tell you , are mistaken . i can do no more . if i have sometimes , in the course of years , wanted help and counsel , they have come to me . if i have sometimes been unhappy , the feeling has passed away . if i have ever had a burden on my heart , it has been lightened for me . if i have any secret , it is  new one and is  what you suppose . i cannot reveal it , or divide it . it has long been mine , and must remain mine . agnes . stay . a moment . she was going away , but i detained her . i clasped my arm about her waist . in the course of years . it is not a new one . new thoughts and hopes were whirling through my mind , and all the colours of my life were changing . dearest agnes . whom i so respect and honour  i so devotedly love . when i came here today , i thought that nothing could have wrested this confession from me . i thought i could have kept it in my bosom all our lives , till we were old . but , agnes , if i have indeed any new born hope that i may ever call you something more than sister , widely different from sister . her tears fell fast but they were not like those she had lately shed , and i saw my hope brighten in them . agnes . ever my guide , and best support . if you had been more mindful of yourself , and less of me , when we grew up here together , i think my heedless fancy never would have wandered from you . but you were so much better than i , so necessary to me in every boyish hope and disappointment , that to have you to confide in , and rely upon in everything , became a second nature , supplanting for the time the first and greater one of loving you as i do . still weeping , but not sadly  . and clasped in my arms as she had never been , as i had thought she never was to be . when i loved dora  , agnes , as you know  yes . she cried , earnestly . i am glad to know it . when i loved her  then , my love would have been incomplete , without your sympathy . i had it , and it was perfected . and when i lost her , agnes , what should i have been without you , still . closer in my arms , nearer to my heart , her trembling hand upon my shoulder , her sweet eyes shining through her tears , on mine . i went away , dear agnes , loving you . i stayed away , loving you . i returned home , loving you . and now , i tried to tell her of the struggle i had and the conclusion i had come to . i tried to lay my mind before her , truly , and entirely . i tried to show her how i had hoped i had come into the better knowledge of myself and of her how i had resigned myself to what that better knowledge brought and how i had come there , even that day , in my fidelity to this . if she did so love me that she could take me for her husband , she could do so , on no deserving of mine , except upon the truth of my love for her , and the trouble in which it had ripened to be what it was and hence it was that i revealed it . and o , agnes , even out of thy true eyes , in that same time , the spirit of my child wife looked upon me , saying it was well and winning me , through thee , to tenderest recollections of the blossom that had withered in its bloom . i am so blest , trotwood  heart is so overcharged  there is one thing i must say . dearest , what . she laid her gentle hands upon my shoulders , and looked calmly in my face . do you know , yet , what it is . i am afraid to speculate on what it is . tell me , my dear . i have loved you all my life . o , we were happy , we were happy . our tears were not for the trials hers so much the greater through which we had come to be thus , but for the rapture of being thus , never to be divided more . we walked , that winter evening , in the fields together and the blessed calm within us seemed to be partaken by the frosty air . the early stars began to shine while we were lingering on , and looking up to them , we thanked our god for having guided us to this tranquillity . we stood together in the same old fashioned window at night , when the moon was shining agnes with her quiet eyes raised up to it i following her glance . long miles of road then opened out before my mind and , toiling on , i saw a ragged way worn boy , forsaken and neglected , who should come to call even the heart now beating against mine , his own . it was nearly dinner time next day when we appeared before my aunt . she was up in my study , peggotty said which it was her pride to keep in readiness and order for me . we found her , in her spectacles , sitting by the fire . goodness me . said my aunt , peering through the dusk , whos this youre bringing home . agnes , said i . as we had arranged to say nothing at first , my aunt was not a little discomfited . she darted a hopeful glance at me , when i said agnes but seeing that i looked as usual , she took off her spectacles in despair , and rubbed her nose with them . she greeted agnes heartily , nevertheless and we were soon in the lighted parlour downstairs , at dinner . my aunt put on her spectacles twice or thrice , to take another look at me , but as often took them off again , disappointed , and rubbed her nose with them . much to the discomfiture of mr . dick , who knew this to be a bad symptom . by the by , aunt , said i , after dinner i have been speaking to agnes about what you told me . then , trot , said my aunt , turning scarlet , you did wrong , and broke your promise . you are not angry , aunt , i trust . i am sure you wont be , when you learn that agnes is not unhappy in any attachment . stuff and nonsense . said my aunt . as my aunt appeared to be annoyed , i thought the best way was to cut her annoyance short . i took agnes in my arm to the back of her chair , and we both leaned over her . my aunt , with one clap of her hands , and one look through her spectacles , immediately went into hysterics , for the first and only time in all my knowledge of her . the hysterics called up peggotty . the moment my aunt was restored , she flew at peggotty , and calling her a silly old creature , hugged her with all her might . after that , she hugged mr . dick who was highly honoured , but a good deal surprised and after that , told them why . then , we were all happy together . i could not discover whether my aunt , in her last short conversation with me , had fallen on a pious fraud , or had really mistaken the state of my mind . it was quite enough , she said , that she had told me agnes was going to be married and that i now knew better than anyone how true it was . we were married within a fortnight . traddles and sophy , and doctor and mrs . strong , were the only guests at our quiet wedding . we left them full of joy and drove away together . clasped in my embrace , i held the source of every worthy aspiration i had ever had the centre of myself , the circle of my life , my own , my wife my love of whom was founded on a rock . dearest husband . said agnes . now that i may call you by that name , i have one thing more to tell you . let me hear it , love . it grows out of the night when dora died . she sent you for me . she did . she told me that she left me something . can you think what it was . i believed i could . i drew the wife who had so long loved me , closer to my side . she told me that she made a last request to me , and left me a last charge . and it was  that only i would occupy this vacant place . and agnes laid her head upon my breast , and wept and i wept with her , though we were so happy . chapter . a visitor what i have purposed to record is nearly finished but there is yet an incident conspicuous in my memory , on which it often rests with delight , and without which one thread in the web i have spun would have a ravelled end . i had advanced in fame and fortune , my domestic joy was perfect , i had been married ten happy years . agnes and i were sitting by the fire , in our house in london , one night in spring , and three of our children were playing in the room , when i was told that a stranger wished to see me . he had been asked if he came on business , and had answered no he had come for the pleasure of seeing me , and had come a long way . he was an old man , my servant said , and looked like a farmer . as this sounded mysterious to the children , and moreover was like the beginning of a favourite story agnes used to tell them , introductory to the arrival of a wicked old fairy in a cloak who hated everybody , it produced some commotion . one of our boys laid his head in his mothers lap to be out of harms way , and little agnes left her doll in a chair to represent her , and thrust out her little heap of golden curls from between the window curtains, , to see what happened next . let him come in here . said i . there soon appeared , pausing in the dark doorway as he entered , a hale , grey haired old man . little agnes , attracted by his looks , had run to bring him in , and i had not yet clearly seen his face , when my wife , starting up , cried out to me , in a pleased and agitated voice , that it was mr . peggotty . it was mr . peggotty . an old man now , but in a ruddy , hearty , strong old age . when our first emotion was over , and he sat before the fire with the children on his knees , and the blaze shining on his face , he looked , to me , as vigorous and robust , withal as handsome , an old man , as ever i had seen . masr davy , said he . and the old name in the old tone fell so naturally on my ear . masr davy , tis a joyful hour as i see you , once more , long with your own trew wife . a joyful hour indeed , old friend . cried i . and these heer pretty ones , said mr . peggotty . to look at these heer flowers . why , masr davy , you was but the heighth of the littlest of these , when i first see you . when emly warnt no bigger , and our poor lad were but a lad . time has changed me more than it has changed you since then , said i . but let these dear rogues go to bed and as no house in england but this must hold you , tell me where to send for your luggage is the old black bag among it , that went so far , i wonder . and then , over a glass of yarmouth grog , we will have the tidings of ten years . are you alone . asked agnes . yes , maam , he said , kissing her hand , quite alone . we sat him between us , not knowing how to give him welcome enough and as i began to listen to his old familiar voice , i could have fancied he was still pursuing his long journey in search of his darling niece . its a mort of water , said mr . peggotty , fur to come across , and ony stay a matter of fower weeks . but water specially when tis salt comes natral to me and friends is dear , and i am heer . is verse , said mr . peggotty , surprised to find it out , though i hadnt such intentions . are you going back those many thousand miles , so soon . asked agnes . yes , maam , he returned . i giv the promise to emly , afore i come away . you see , i doent grow younger as the years comes round , and if i hadnt sailed as twas , most like i shouldnt never have done t . and its allus been on my mind , as i must come and see masr davy and your own sweet blooming self , in your wedded happiness , afore i got to be too old . he looked at us , as if he could never feast his eyes on us sufficiently . agnes laughingly put back some scattered locks of his grey hair , that he might see us better . and now tell us , said i , everything relating to your fortunes . our fortuns , masr davy , he rejoined , is soon told . we havent fared nohows , but fared to thrive . weve allus thrived . weve worked as we ought to t , and maybe we lived a leetle hard at first or so , but we have allus thrived . what with sheep farming, , and what with stock farming, , and what with one thing and what with tother , we are as well to do , as well could be . theers been kiender a blessing fell upon us , said mr . peggotty , reverentially inclining his head , and weve done nowt but prosper . that is , in the long run . if not yesterday , why then today . if not today , why then tomorrow . and emily . said agnes and i , both together . emly , said he , arter you left her , maam  i never heerd her saying of her prayers at night , tother side the canvas screen , when we was settled in the bush , but what i heerd your name  arter she and me lost sight of masr davy , that theer shining sundown  that low , at first , that , if she had knowd then what masr davy kep from us so kind and thowtful , tis my opinion shed have drooped away . but theer was some poor folks aboard as had illness among em , and she took care of them and theer was the children in our company , and she took care of them and so she got to be busy , and to be doing good , and that helped her . when did she first hear of it . i asked . i kep it from her arter i heerd on t , said mr . peggotty , going on nigh a year . we was living then in a solitary place , but among the beautifullest trees , and with the roses a covering our beein to the roof . theer come along one day , when i was out a working on the land , a traveller from our own norfolk or suffolk in england i doent rightly mind which , and of course we took him in , and giv him to eat and drink , and made him welcome . we all do that , all the colony over . hed got an old newspaper with him , and some other account in print of the storm . thats how she knowd it . when i came home at night , i found she knowd it . he dropped his voice as he said these words , and the gravity i so well remembered overspread his face . did it change her much . we asked . aye , for a good long time , he said , shaking his head if not to this present hour . but i think the solitoode done her good . and she had a deal to mind in the way of poultry and the like , and minded of it , and come through . i wonder , he said thoughtfully , if you could see my emly now , masr davy , whether youd know her . is she so altered . i inquired . i doent know . i see her evry day , and doent know but , odd times, , i have thowt so . a slight figure , said mr . peggotty , looking at the fire , kiender worn soft , sorrowful , blue eyes a delicate face a pritty head , leaning a little down a quiet voice and way  amost . thats emly . we silently observed him as he sat , still looking at the fire . some thinks , he said , as her affection was ill bestowed some , as her marriage was broken off by death . no one knows how tis . she might have married well , a mort of times , but , uncle , she says to me , thats gone for ever . cheerful along with me retired when others is by fond of going any distance fur to teach a child , or fur to tend a sick person , or fur to do some kindness towrds a young girls wedding and shes done a many , but has never seen one fondly loving of her uncle patient liked by young and old sowt out by all that has any trouble . thats emly . he drew his hand across his face , and with a half suppressed sigh looked up from the fire . is martha with you yet . i asked . martha , he replied , got married , masr davy , in the second year . a young man , a farm labourer, , as come by us on his way to market with his masrs drays  journey of over five hundred mile , theer and back  offers fur to take her fur his wife and then to set up fur their two selves in the bush . she spoke to me fur to tell him her trew story . i did . they was married , and they live fower hundred mile away from any voices but their own and the singing birds . mrs . gummidge . i suggested . it was a pleasant key to touch , for mr . peggotty suddenly burst into a roar of laughter , and rubbed his hands up and down his legs , as he had been accustomed to do when he enjoyed himself in the long shipwrecked boat . would you believe it . he said . why , someun even made offer fur to marry her . if a ships cook that was turning settler , masr davy , didnt make offers fur to marry missis gummidge , im gormed  i cant say no fairer than that . i never saw agnes laugh so . this sudden ecstasy on the part of mr . peggotty was so delightful to her , that she could not leave off laughing and the more she laughed the more she made me laugh , and the greater mr . peggottys ecstasy became , and the more he rubbed his legs . and what did mrs . gummidge say . i asked , when i was grave enough . if youll believe me , returned mr . peggotty , missis gummidge , stead of saying thank you , im much obleeged to you , i aint a going fur to change my condition at my time of life , upd with a bucket as was standing by , and laid it over that theer ships cooks head till he sung out fur help , and i went in and reskied of him . mr . peggotty burst into a great roar of laughter , and agnes and i both kept him company . but i must say this , for the good creetur , he resumed , wiping his face , when we were quite exhausted she has been all she said shed be to us , and more . shes the willingest , the trewest , the honestest helping woman , masr davy , as ever drawd the breath of life . i have never knowd her to be lone and lorn , for a single minute , not even when the colony was all afore us , and we was new to it . and thinking of the old un is a thing she never done , i do assure you , since she left england . now , last , not least , mr . micawber , said i . he has paid off every obligation he incurred here  to traddless bill , you remember my dear agnes  therefore we may take it for granted that he is doing well . but what is the latest news of him . mr . peggotty , with a smile , put his hand in his breast pocket, , and produced a flat folded, , paper parcel , from which he took out , with much care , a little odd looking newspaper . you are to understan , masr davy , said he , as we have left the bush now , being so well to do and have gone right away round to port middlebay harbour , wheer theers what we call a town . mr . micawber was in the bush near you . said i . bless you , yes , said mr . peggotty , and turned to with a will . i never wish to meet a better genlman for turning to with a will . ive seen that theer bald head of his a perspiring in the sun , masr davy , till i amost thowt it would have melted away . and now hes a magistrate . a magistrate , eh . said i . mr . peggotty pointed to a certain paragraph in the newspaper , where i read aloud as follows , from the port middlebay times the public dinner to our distinguished fellow colonist and townsman , wilkins micawber , esquire , port middlebay district magistrate , came off yesterday in the large room of the hotel , which was crowded to suffocation . it is estimated that not fewer than forty seven persons must have been accommodated with dinner at one time , exclusive of the company in the passage and on the stairs . the beauty , fashion , and exclusiveness of port middlebay , flocked to do honour to one so deservedly esteemed , so highly talented , and so widely popular . doctor mell presided , and on his right sat the distinguished guest . after the removal of the cloth , and the singing of non nobis beautifully executed , and in which we were at no loss to distinguish the bell like notes of that gifted amateur , wilkins micawber , esquire , junior , the usual loyal and patriotic toasts were severally given and rapturously received . doctor mell , in a speech replete with feeling , then proposed our distinguished guest , the ornament of our town . may he never leave us but to better himself , and may his success among us be such as to render his bettering himself impossible . the cheering with which the toast was received defies description . again and again it rose and fell , like the waves of ocean . at length all was hushed , and wilkins micawber , esquire , presented himself to return thanks . far be it from us , in the present comparatively imperfect state of the resources of our establishment , to endeavour to follow our distinguished townsman through the smoothly flowing periods of his polished and highly ornate address . suffice it to observe , that it was a masterpiece of eloquence and that those passages in which he more particularly traced his own successful career to its source , and warned the younger portion of his auditory from the shoals of ever incurring pecuniary liabilities which they were unable to liquidate , brought a tear into the manliest eye present . the remaining toasts were doctor mell mrs . micawber who gracefully bowed her acknowledgements from the side door, , where a galaxy of beauty was elevated on chairs , at once to witness and adorn the gratifying scene , mrs . ridger begs mrs . mell wilkins micawber , esquire , junior who convulsed the assembly by humorously remarking that he found himself unable to return thanks in a speech , but would do so , with their permission , in a song mrs . micawbers family well known , it is needless to remark , in the mother country, , c . c . c . at the conclusion of the proceedings the tables were cleared as if by art magic for dancing . among the votaries of terpsichore , who disported themselves until sol gave warning for departure , wilkins micawber , esquire , junior , and the lovely and accomplished miss helena , fourth daughter of doctor mell , were particularly remarkable . i was looking back to the name of doctor mell , pleased to have discovered , in these happier circumstances , mr . mell , formerly poor pinched usher to my middlesex magistrate , when mr . peggotty pointing to another part of the paper , my eyes rested on my own name , and i read thus to david copperfield , esquire , the eminent author . my dear sir , years have elapsed , since i had an opportunity of ocularly perusing the lineaments , now familiar to the imaginations of a considerable portion of the civilized world . but , my dear sir , though estranged by the force of circumstances over which i have had no control from the personal society of the friend and companion of my youth , i have not been unmindful of his soaring flight . nor have i been debarred , though seas between us braid ha roared , from participating in the intellectual feasts he has spread before us . i cannot , therefore , allow of the departure from this place of an individual whom we mutually respect and esteem , without , my dear sir , taking this public opportunity of thanking you , on my own behalf , and , i may undertake to add , on that of the whole of the inhabitants of port middlebay , for the gratification of which you are the ministering agent . go on , my dear sir . you are not unknown here , you are not unappreciated . though remote , we are neither unfriended , melancholy , nor slow . go on , my dear sir , in your eagle course . the inhabitants of port middlebay may at least aspire to watch it , with delight , with entertainment , with instruction . among the eyes elevated towards you from this portion of the globe , will ever be found , while it has light and life , the eye appertaining to wilkins micawber , magistrate . i found , on glancing at the remaining contents of the newspaper , that mr . micawber was a diligent and esteemed correspondent of that journal . there was another letter from him in the same paper , touching a bridge there was an advertisement of a collection of similar letters by him , to be shortly republished , in a neat volume , with considerable additions and , unless i am very much mistaken , the leading article was his also . we talked much of mr . micawber , on many other evenings while mr . peggotty remained with us . he lived with us during the whole term of his stay  , i think , was something less than a month  , his sister and my aunt came to london to see him . agnes and i parted from him aboard ship, , when he sailed and we shall never part from him more , on earth . but before he left , he went with me to yarmouth , to see a little tablet i had put up in the churchyard to the memory of ham . while i was copying the plain inscription for him at his request , i saw him stoop , and gather a tuft of grass from the grave and a little earth . for emly , he said , as he put it in his breast . i promised , masr davy . chapter . a last retrospect and now my written story ends . i look back , once more  the last time  i close these leaves . i see myself , with agnes at my side , journeying along the road of life . i see our children and our friends around us and i hear the roar of many voices , not indifferent to me as i travel on . what faces are the most distinct to me in the fleeting crowd . lo , these all turning to me as i ask my thoughts the question . here is my aunt , in stronger spectacles , an old woman of four score years and more , but upright yet , and a steady walker of six miles at a stretch in winter weather . always with her , here comes peggotty , my good old nurse , likewise in spectacles , accustomed to do needle work at night very close to the lamp , but never sitting down to it without a bit of wax candle , a yard measure in a little house , and a work box with a picture of st . pauls upon the lid . the cheeks and arms of peggotty , so hard and red in my childish days , when i wondered why the birds didnt peck her in preference to apples , are shrivelled now and her eyes , that used to darken their whole neighbourhood in her face , are fainter but her rough forefinger , which i once associated with a pocket nutmeg grater, , is just the same , and when i see my least child catching at it as it totters from my aunt to her , i think of our little parlour at home , when i could scarcely walk . my aunts old disappointment is set right , now . she is godmother to a real living betsey trotwood and dora says she spoils her . there is something bulky in peggottys pocket . it is nothing smaller than the crocodile book , which is in rather a dilapidated condition by this time , with divers of the leaves torn and stitched across , but which peggotty exhibits to the children as a precious relic . i find it very curious to see my own infant face , looking up at me from the crocodile stories and to be reminded by it of my old acquaintance brooks of sheffield . among my boys , this summer holiday time , i see an old man making giant kites , and gazing at them in the air , with a delight for which there are no words . he greets me rapturously , and whispers , with many nods and winks , trotwood , you will be glad to hear that i shall finish the memorial when i have nothing else to do , and that your aunts the most extraordinary woman in the world , sir . who is this bent lady , supporting herself by a stick , and showing me a countenance in which there are some traces of old pride and beauty , feebly contending with a querulous , imbecile , fretful wandering of the mind . she is in a garden and near her stands a sharp , dark , withered woman , with a white scar on her lip . let me hear what they say . rosa , i have forgotten this gentlemans name . rosa bends over her , and calls to her , mr . copperfield . i am glad to see you , sir . i am sorry to observe you are in mourning . i hope time will be good to you . her impatient attendant scolds her , tells her i am not in mourning , bids her look again , tries to rouse her . you have seen my son , sir , says the elder lady . are you reconciled . looking fixedly at me , she puts her hand to her forehead , and moans . suddenly , she cries , in a terrible voice , rosa , come to me . he is dead . rosa kneeling at her feet , by turns caresses her , and quarrels with her now fiercely telling her , i loved him better than you ever did . soothing her to sleep on her breast , like a sick child . thus i leave them thus i always find them thus they wear their time away , from year to year . what ship comes sailing home from india , and what english lady is this , married to a growling old scotch croesus with great flaps of ears . can this be julia mills . indeed it is julia mills , peevish and fine , with a black man to carry cards and letters to her on a golden salver , and a copper coloured woman in linen , with a bright handkerchief round her head , to serve her tiffin in her dressing room . but julia keeps no diary in these days never sings affections dirge eternally quarrels with the old scotch croesus , who is a sort of yellow bear with a tanned hide . julia is steeped in money to the throat , and talks and thinks of nothing else . i liked her better in the desert of sahara . or perhaps this is the desert of sahara . for , though julia has a stately house , and mighty company , and sumptuous dinners every day , i see no green growth near her nothing that can ever come to fruit or flower . what julia calls society , i see among it mr . jack maldon , from his patent place , sneering at the hand that gave it him , and speaking to me of the doctor as so charmingly antique . but when society is the name for such hollow gentlemen and ladies , julia , and when its breeding is professed indifference to everything that can advance or can retard mankind , i think we must have lost ourselves in that same desert of sahara , and had better find the way out . and lo , the doctor , always our good friend , labouring at his dictionary and happy in his home and wife . also the old soldier , on a considerably reduced footing , and by no means so influential as in days of yore . working at his chambers in the temple , with a busy aspect , and his hair made more rebellious than ever by the constant friction of his lawyers wig, , i come , in a later time , upon my dear old traddles . his table is covered with thick piles of papers and i say , as i look around me a chancery judge once had the kindness to inform me , as one of a company of some hundred and fifty men and women not labouring under any suspicions of lunacy , that the court of chancery , though the shining subject of much popular prejudice at which point i thought the judges eye had a cast in my direction , was almost immaculate . there had been , he admitted , a trivial blemish or so in its rate of progress , but this was exaggerated and had been entirely owing to the parsimony of the public , which guilty public , it appeared , had been until lately bent in the most determined manner on by no means enlarging the number of chancery judges appointed  believe by richard the second , but any other king will do as well . this seemed to me too profound a joke to be inserted in the body of this book or i should have restored it to conversation kenge or to mr . vholes , with one or other of whom i think it must have originated . in such mouths i might have coupled it with an apt quotation from one of shakespeares sonnets my nature is subdued to what it works in , like the dyers hand pity me , then , and wish i were renewed . but as it is wholesome that the parsimonious public should know what has been doing , and still is doing , in this connexion , i mention here that everything set forth in these pages concerning the court of chancery is substantially true , and within the truth . the case of gridley is in no essential altered from one of actual occurrence , made public by a disinterested person who was professionally acquainted with the whole of the monstrous wrong from beginning to end . at the present moment there is a suit before the court which was commenced nearly twenty years ago , in which from thirty to forty counsel have been known to appear at one time , in which costs have been incurred to the amount of seventy thousand pounds , which is a friendly suit , and which is no nearer to its termination now than when it was begun . there is another well known suit in chancery , not yet decided , which was commenced before the close of the last century and in which more than double the amount of seventy thousand pounds has been swallowed up in costs . if i wanted other authorities for jarndyce and jarndyce , i could rain them on these pages , to the shame of  parsimonious public . there is only one other point on which i offer a word of remark . the possibility of what is called spontaneous combustion has been denied since the death of mr . krook and my good friend mr . lewes quite mistaken , as he soon found , in supposing the thing to have been abandoned by all authorities published some ingenious letters to me at the time when that event was chronicled , arguing that spontaneous combustion could not possibly be . i have no need to observe that i do not wilfully or negligently mislead my readers and that before i wrote that description i took pains to investigate the subject . there are about thirty cases on record , of which the most famous , that of the countess cornelia de baudi cesenate , was minutely investigated and described by giuseppe bianchini , a prebendary of verona , otherwise distinguished in letters , who published an account of it at verona in which he afterwards republished at rome . the appearances , beyond all rational doubt , observed in that case are the appearances observed in mr . krooks case . the next most famous instance happened at rheims six years earlier , and the historian in that case is le cat , one of the most renowned surgeons produced by france . the subject was a woman , whose husband was ignorantly convicted of having murdered her but on solemn appeal to a higher court , he was acquitted because it was shown upon the evidence that she had died the death of which this name of spontaneous combustion is given . i do not think it necessary to add to these notable facts , and that general reference to the authorities which will be found at page vol . ii . the recorded opinions and experiences of distinguished medical professors , french , english , and scotch , in more modern days , contenting myself with observing that i shall not abandon the facts until there shall have been a considerable spontaneous combustion of the testimony on which human occurrences are usually received . in bleak house i have purposely dwelt upon the romantic side of familiar things . transcribers note . this referred to a specific page in the printed book . in this project gutenberg edition the pertinent information is in chapter xxx , paragraph . another case , very clearly described by a dentist , occurred at the town of columbus , in the united states of america , quite recently . the subject was a german who kept a liquor shop and was an inveterate drunkard . chapter i in chancery london . michaelmas term lately over , and the lord chancellor sitting in lincolns inn hall . implacable november weather . as much mud in the streets as if the waters had but newly retired from the face of the earth , and it would not be wonderful to meet a megalosaurus , forty feet long or so , waddling like an elephantine lizard up holborn hill . smoke lowering down from chimney pots, , making a soft black drizzle , with flakes of soot in it as big as full grown snowflakes  into mourning , one might imagine , for the death of the sun . dogs , undistinguishable in mire . horses , scarcely better splashed to their very blinkers . foot passengers , jostling one anothers umbrellas in a general infection of ill temper , and losing their foot hold at street corners, , where tens of thousands of other foot passengers have been slipping and sliding since the day broke adding new deposits to the crust upon crust of mud , sticking at those points tenaciously to the pavement , and accumulating at compound interest . fog everywhere . fog up the river , where it flows among green aits and meadows fog down the river , where it rolls defiled among the tiers of shipping and the waterside pollutions of a great city . fog on the essex marshes , fog on the kentish heights . fog creeping into the cabooses of collier brigs fog lying out on the yards and hovering in the rigging of great ships fog drooping on the gunwales of barges and small boats . fog in the eyes and throats of ancient greenwich pensioners , wheezing by the firesides of their wards fog in the stem and bowl of the afternoon pipe of the wrathful skipper , down in his close cabin fog cruelly pinching the toes and fingers of his shivering little prentice boy on deck . chance people on the bridges peeping over the parapets into a nether sky of fog , with fog all round them , as if they were up in a balloon and hanging in the misty clouds . gas looming through the fog in divers places in the streets , much as the sun may , from the spongey fields , be seen to loom by husbandman and ploughboy . most of the shops lighted two hours before their time  the gas seems to know , for it has a haggard and unwilling look . the raw afternoon is rawest , and the dense fog is densest , and the muddy streets are muddiest near that leaden headed old obstruction , appropriate ornament for the threshold of a leaden headed old corporation , temple bar . and hard by temple bar , in lincolns inn hall , at the very heart of the fog , sits the lord high chancellor in his high court of chancery . never can there come fog too thick , never can there come mud and mire too deep , to assort with the groping and floundering condition which this high court of chancery , most pestilent of hoary sinners , holds this day in the sight of heaven and earth . on such an afternoon , if ever , the lord high chancellor ought to be sitting here  he is  a foggy glory round his head , softly fenced in with crimson cloth and curtains , addressed by a large advocate with great whiskers , a little voice , and an interminable brief , and outwardly directing his contemplation to the lantern in the roof , where he can see nothing but fog . on such an afternoon some score of members of the high court of chancery bar ought to be  here they are  engaged in one of the ten thousand stages of an endless cause , tripping one another up on slippery precedents , groping knee deep in technicalities , running their goat hair and horsehair warded heads against walls of words and making a pretence of equity with serious faces , as players might . on such an afternoon the various solicitors in the cause , some two or three of whom have inherited it from their fathers , who made a fortune by it , ought to be  are they not . in a line , in a long matted well but you might look in vain for truth at the bottom of it between the registrars red table and the silk gowns , with bills , cross bills, , answers , rejoinders , injunctions , affidavits , issues , references to masters , reports , mountains of costly nonsense , piled before them . well may the court be dim , with wasting candles here and there well may the fog hang heavy in it , as if it would never get out well may the stained glass windows lose their colour and admit no light of day into the place well may the uninitiated from the streets , who peep in through the glass panes in the door , be deterred from entrance by its owlish aspect and by the drawl , languidly echoing to the roof from the padded dais where the lord high chancellor looks into the lantern that has no light in it and where the attendant wigs are all stuck in a fog bank . this is the court of chancery , which has its decaying houses and its blighted lands in every shire , which has its worn out lunatic in every madhouse and its dead in every churchyard , which has its ruined suitor with his slipshod heels and threadbare dress borrowing and begging through the round of every mans acquaintance , which gives to monied might the means abundantly of wearying out the right , which so exhausts finances , patience , courage , hope , so overthrows the brain and breaks the heart , that there is not an honourable man among its practitioners who would not give  does not often give  warning , suffer any wrong that can be done you rather than come here . who happen to be in the lord chancellors court this murky afternoon besides the lord chancellor , the counsel in the cause , two or three counsel who are never in any cause , and the well of solicitors before mentioned . there is the registrar below the judge , in wig and gown and there are two or three maces , or petty bags, , or privy purses , or whatever they may be , in legal court suits . these are all yawning , for no crumb of amusement ever falls from jarndyce and jarndyce the cause in hand , which was squeezed dry years upon years ago . the short hand writers , the reporters of the court , and the reporters of the newspapers invariably decamp with the rest of the regulars when jarndyce and jarndyce comes on . their places are a blank . standing on a seat at the side of the hall , the better to peer into the curtained sanctuary , is a little mad old woman in a squeezed bonnet who is always in court , from its sitting to its rising , and always expecting some incomprehensible judgment to be given in her favour . some say she really is , or was , a party to a suit , but no one knows for certain because no one cares . she carries some small litter in a reticule which she calls her documents , principally consisting of paper matches and dry lavender . a sallow prisoner has come up , in custody , for the half dozenth time to make a personal application to purge himself of his contempt , which , being a solitary surviving executor who has fallen into a state of conglomeration about accounts of which it is not pretended that he had ever any knowledge , he is not at all likely ever to do . in the meantime his prospects in life are ended . another ruined suitor , who periodically appears from shropshire and breaks out into efforts to address the chancellor at the close of the days business and who can by no means be made to understand that the chancellor is legally ignorant of his existence after making it desolate for a quarter of a century , plants himself in a good place and keeps an eye on the judge , ready to call out my lord . in a voice of sonorous complaint on the instant of his rising . a few lawyers clerks and others who know this suitor by sight linger on the chance of his furnishing some fun and enlivening the dismal weather a little . jarndyce and jarndyce drones on . this scarecrow of a suit has , in course of time , become so complicated that no man alive knows what it means . the parties to it understand it least , but it has been observed that no two chancery lawyers can talk about it for five minutes without coming to a total disagreement as to all the premises . innumerable children have been born into the cause innumerable young people have married into it innumerable old people have died out of it . scores of persons have deliriously found themselves made parties in jarndyce and jarndyce without knowing how or why whole families have inherited legendary hatreds with the suit . the little plaintiff or defendant who was promised a new rocking horse when jarndyce and jarndyce should be settled has grown up , possessed himself of a real horse , and trotted away into the other world . fair wards of court have faded into mothers and grandmothers a long procession of chancellors has come in and gone out the legion of bills in the suit have been transformed into mere bills of mortality there are not three jarndyces left upon the earth perhaps since old tom jarndyce in despair blew his brains out at a coffee house in chancery lane but jarndyce and jarndyce still drags its dreary length before the court , perennially hopeless . jarndyce and jarndyce has passed into a joke . that is the only good that has ever come of it . it has been death to many , but it is a joke in the profession . every master in chancery has had a reference out of it . every chancellor was in it , for somebody or other , when he was counsel at the bar . good things have been said about it by blue nosed, , bulbous shoed old benchers in select port wine committee after dinner in hall . articled clerks have been in the habit of fleshing their legal wit upon it . the last lord chancellor handled it neatly , when , correcting mr . blowers , the eminent silk gown who said that such a thing might happen when the sky rained potatoes , he observed , or when we get through jarndyce and jarndyce , mr . blowers  pleasantry that particularly tickled the maces , bags , and purses . how many people out of the suit jarndyce and jarndyce has stretched forth its unwholesome hand to spoil and corrupt would be a very wide question . from the master upon whose impaling files reams of dusty warrants in jarndyce and jarndyce have grimly writhed into many shapes , down to the copying clerk in the six clerks office who has copied his tens of thousands of chancery folio pages under that eternal heading , no mans nature has been made better by it . in trickery , evasion , procrastination , spoliation , botheration , under false pretences of all sorts , there are influences that can never come to good . the very solicitors boys who have kept the wretched suitors at bay , by protesting time out of mind that mr . chizzle , mizzle , or otherwise was particularly engaged and had appointments until dinner , may have got an extra moral twist and shuffle into themselves out of jarndyce and jarndyce . the receiver in the cause has acquired a goodly sum of money by it but has acquired too a distrust of his own mother and a contempt for his own kind . chizzle , mizzle , and otherwise have lapsed into a habit of vaguely promising themselves that they will look into that outstanding little matter and see what can be done for drizzle  was not well used  jarndyce and jarndyce shall be got out of the office . shirking and sharking in all their many varieties have been sown broadcast by the ill fated cause and even those who have contemplated its history from the outermost circle of such evil have been insensibly tempted into a loose way of letting bad things alone to take their own bad course , and a loose belief that if the world go wrong it was in some off hand manner never meant to go right . thus , in the midst of the mud and at the heart of the fog , sits the lord high chancellor in his high court of chancery . mr . tangle , says the lord high chancellor , latterly something restless under the eloquence of that learned gentleman . mlud , says mr . tangle . mr . tangle knows more of jarndyce and jarndyce than anybody . he is famous for it  never to have read anything else since he left school . have you nearly concluded your argument . mlud , no  of points  it my duty tsubmit  , is the reply that slides out of mr . tangle . several members of the bar are still to be heard , i believe . says the chancellor with a slight smile . eighteen of mr . tangles learned friends , each armed with a little summary of eighteen hundred sheets , bob up like eighteen hammers in a pianoforte , make eighteen bows , and drop into their eighteen places of obscurity . we will proceed with the hearing on wednesday fortnight , says the chancellor . for the question at issue is only a question of costs , a mere bud on the forest tree of the parent suit , and really will come to a settlement one of these days . the chancellor rises the bar rises the prisoner is brought forward in a hurry the man from shropshire cries , my lord . maces , bags , and purses indignantly proclaim silence and frown at the man from shropshire . in reference , proceeds the chancellor , still on jarndyce and jarndyce , to the young girl  begludships pardon  , says mr . tangle prematurely . in reference , proceeds the chancellor with extra distinctness , to the young girl and boy , the two young people  . tangle crushed  i directed to be in attendance to day and who are now in my private room , i will see them and satisfy myself as to the expediency of making the order for their residing with their uncle . mr . tangle on his legs again . begludships pardon  . with their  looking through his double eye glass at the papers on his desk  . begludships pardon  of rash action  . suddenly a very little counsel with a terrific bass voice arises , fully inflated , in the back settlements of the fog , and says , will your lordship allow me . i appear for him . he is a cousin , several times removed . i am not at the moment prepared to inform the court in what exact remove he is a cousin , but he is a cousin . leaving this address ringing in the rafters of the roof , the very little counsel drops , and the fog knows him no more . everybody looks for him . nobody can see him . i will speak with both the young people , says the chancellor anew , and satisfy myself on the subject of their residing with their cousin . i will mention the matter to morrow morning when i take my seat . the chancellor is about to bow to the bar when the prisoner is presented . nothing can possibly come of the prisoners conglomeration but his being sent back to prison , which is soon done . the man from shropshire ventures another remonstrative my lord . but the chancellor , being aware of him , has dexterously vanished . everybody else quickly vanishes too . a battery of blue bags is loaded with heavy charges of papers and carried off by clerks the little mad old woman marches off with her documents the empty court is locked up . if all the injustice it has committed and all the misery it has caused could only be locked up with it , and the whole burnt away in a great funeral pyre  so much the better for other parties than the parties in jarndyce and jarndyce . chapter ii in fashion it is but a glimpse of the world of fashion that we want on this same miry afternoon . it is not so unlike the court of chancery but that we may pass from the one scene to the other , as the crow flies . both the world of fashion and the court of chancery are things of precedent and usage oversleeping rip van winkles who have played at strange games through a deal of thundery weather sleeping beauties whom the knight will wake one day , when all the stopped spits in the kitchen shall begin to turn prodigiously . it is not a large world . relatively even to this world of ours , which has its limits too as your highness shall find when you have made the tour of it and are come to the brink of the void beyond , it is a very little speck . there is much good in it there are many good and true people in it has its appointed place . but the evil of it is that it is a world wrapped up in too much jewellers cotton and fine wool , and cannot hear the rushing of the larger worlds , and cannot see them as they circle round the sun . it is a deadened world , and its growth is sometimes unhealthy for want of air . my lady dedlock has returned to her house in town for a few days previous to her departure for paris , where her ladyship intends to stay some weeks , after which her movements are uncertain . the fashionable intelligence says so for the comfort of the parisians , and it knows all fashionable things . to know things otherwise were to be unfashionable . my lady dedlock has been down at what she calls , in familiar conversation , her place in lincolnshire . the waters are out in lincolnshire . an arch of the bridge in the park has been sapped and sopped away . the adjacent low lying ground for half a mile in breadth is a stagnant river with melancholy trees for islands in it and a surface punctured all over , all day long , with falling rain . my lady dedlocks place has been extremely dreary . the weather for many a day and night has been so wet that the trees seem wet through , and the soft loppings and prunings of the woodmans axe can make no crash or crackle as they fall . the deer , looking soaked , leave quagmires where they pass . the shot of a rifle loses its sharpness in the moist air , and its smoke moves in a tardy little cloud towards the green rise , coppice topped, , that makes a background for the falling rain . the view from my lady dedlocks own windows is alternately a lead coloured view and a view in indian ink . the vases on the stone terrace in the foreground catch the rain all day and the heavy drops fall  , drip , the broad flagged pavement , called from old time the ghosts walk , all night . on sundays the little church in the park is mouldy the oaken pulpit breaks out into a cold sweat and there is a general smell and taste as of the ancient dedlocks in their graves . my lady dedlock who is childless , looking out in the early twilight from her boudoir at a keepers lodge and seeing the light of a fire upon the latticed panes , and smoke rising from the chimney , and a child , chased by a woman , running out into the rain to meet the shining figure of a wrapped up man coming through the gate , has been put quite out of temper . my lady dedlock says she has been bored to death . therefore my lady dedlock has come away from the place in lincolnshire and has left it to the rain , and the crows , and the rabbits , and the deer , and the partridges and pheasants . the pictures of the dedlocks past and gone have seemed to vanish into the damp walls in mere lowness of spirits , as the housekeeper has passed along the old rooms shutting up the shutters . and when they will next come forth again , the fashionable intelligence  , like the fiend , is omniscient of the past and present , but not the future  yet undertake to say . sir leicester dedlock is only a baronet , but there is no mightier baronet than he . his family is as old as the hills , and infinitely more respectable . he has a general opinion that the world might get on without hills but would be done up without dedlocks . he would on the whole admit nature to be a good idea a little low , perhaps , when not enclosed with a park fence, , but an idea dependent for its execution on your great county families . he is a gentleman of strict conscience , disdainful of all littleness and meanness and ready on the shortest notice to die any death you may please to mention rather than give occasion for the least impeachment of his integrity . he is an honourable , obstinate , truthful , high spirited, , intensely prejudiced , perfectly unreasonable man . sir leicester is twenty years , full measure , older than my lady . he will never see sixty five again , nor perhaps sixty six, , nor yet sixty seven . he has a twist of the gout now and then and walks a little stiffly . he is of a worthy presence , with his light grey hair and whiskers , his fine shirt frill, , his pure white waistcoat , and his blue coat with bright buttons always buttoned . he is ceremonious , stately , most polite on every occasion to my lady , and holds her personal attractions in the highest estimation . his gallantry to my lady , which has never changed since he courted her , is the one little touch of romantic fancy in him . indeed , he married her for love . a whisper still goes about that she had not even family howbeit , sir leicester had so much family that perhaps he had enough and could dispense with any more . but she had beauty , pride , ambition , insolent resolve , and sense enough to portion out a legion of fine ladies . wealth and station , added to these , soon floated her upward , and for years now my lady dedlock has been at the centre of the fashionable intelligence and at the top of the fashionable tree . how alexander wept when he had no more worlds to conquer , everybody knows  has some reason to know by this time , the matter having been rather frequently mentioned . my lady dedlock , having conquered her world , fell not into the melting , but rather into the freezing , mood . an exhausted composure , a worn out placidity , an equanimity of fatigue not to be ruffled by interest or satisfaction , are the trophies of her victory . she is perfectly well bred . if she could be translated to heaven to morrow, , she might be expected to ascend without any rapture . she has beauty still , and if it be not in its heyday , it is not yet in its autumn . she has a fine face  of a character that would be rather called very pretty than handsome , but improved into classicality by the acquired expression of her fashionable state . her figure is elegant and has the effect of being tall . not that she is so , but that the most is made , as the honourable bob stables has frequently asserted upon oath , of all her points . the same authority observes that she is perfectly got up and remarks in commendation of her hair especially that she is the best groomed woman in the whole stud . with all her perfections on her head , my lady dedlock has come up from her place in lincolnshire hotly pursued by the fashionable intelligence to pass a few days at her house in town previous to her departure for paris , where her ladyship intends to stay some weeks , after which her movements are uncertain . and at her house in town , upon this muddy , murky afternoon , presents himself an old fashioned gentleman , attorney at and eke solicitor of the high court of chancery , who has the honour of acting as legal adviser of the dedlocks and has as many cast iron boxes in his office with that name outside as if the present baronet were the coin of the conjurors trick and were constantly being juggled through the whole set . across the hall , and up the stairs , and along the passages , and through the rooms , which are very brilliant in the season and very dismal out of it  to visit , but a desert to live in  old gentleman is conducted by a mercury in powder to my ladys presence . the old gentleman is rusty to look at , but is reputed to have made good thrift out of aristocratic marriage settlements and aristocratic wills , and to be very rich . he is surrounded by a mysterious halo of family confidences , of which he is known to be the silent depository . there are noble mausoleums rooted for centuries in retired glades of parks among the growing timber and the fern , which perhaps hold fewer noble secrets than walk abroad among men , shut up in the breast of mr . tulkinghorn . he is of what is called the old school  phrase generally meaning any school that seems never to have been young  wears knee breeches tied with ribbons , and gaiters or stockings . one peculiarity of his black clothes and of his black stockings , be they silk or worsted , is that they never shine . mute , close , irresponsive to any glancing light , his dress is like himself . he never converses when not professionally consulted . he is found sometimes , speechless but quite at home , at corners of dinner tables in great country houses and near doors of drawing rooms, , concerning which the fashionable intelligence is eloquent , where everybody knows him and where half the peerage stops to say how do you do , mr . tulkinghorn . he receives these salutations with gravity and buries them along with the rest of his knowledge . sir leicester dedlock is with my lady and is happy to see mr . tulkinghorn . there is an air of prescription about him which is always agreeable to sir leicester he receives it as a kind of tribute . he likes mr . tulkinghorns dress there is a kind of tribute in that too . it is eminently respectable , and likewise , in a general way , retainer like . it expresses , as it were , the steward of the legal mysteries , the butler of the legal cellar , of the dedlocks . has mr . tulkinghorn any idea of this himself . it may be so , or it may not , but there is this remarkable circumstance to be noted in everything associated with my lady dedlock as one of a class  one of the leaders and representatives of her little world . she supposes herself to be an inscrutable being , quite out of the reach and ken of ordinary mortals  herself in her glass , where indeed she looks so . yet every dim little star revolving about her , from her maid to the manager of the italian opera , knows her weaknesses , prejudices , follies , haughtinesses , and caprices and lives upon as accurate a calculation and as nice a measure of her moral nature as her dressmaker takes of her physical proportions . is a new dress , a new custom , a new singer , a new dancer , a new form of jewellery , a new dwarf or giant , a new chapel , a new anything , to be set up . there are deferential people in a dozen callings whom my lady dedlock suspects of nothing but prostration before her , who can tell you how to manage her as if she were a baby , who do nothing but nurse her all their lives , who , humbly affecting to follow with profound subservience , lead her and her whole troop after them who , in hooking one , hook all and bear them off as lemuel gulliver bore away the stately fleet of the majestic lilliput . if you want to address our people , sir , say blaze and sparkle , the jewellers  by our people lady dedlock and the rest  must remember that you are not dealing with the general public you must hit our people in their weakest place , and their weakest place is such a place . to make this article go down , gentlemen , say sheen and gloss , the mercers , to their friends the manufacturers , you must come to us , because we know where to have the fashionable people , and we can make it fashionable . if you want to get this print upon the tables of my high connexion , sir , says mr . sladdery , the librarian , or if you want to get this dwarf or giant into the houses of my high connexion , sir , or if you want to secure to this entertainment the patronage of my high connexion , sir , you must leave it , if you please , to me , for i have been accustomed to study the leaders of my high connexion , sir , and i may tell you without vanity that i can turn them round my finger  which mr . sladdery , who is an honest man , does not exaggerate at all . therefore , while mr . tulkinghorn may not know what is passing in the dedlock mind at present , it is very possible that he may . my ladys cause has been again before the chancellor , has it , mr . tulkinghorn . says sir leicester , giving him his hand . yes . it has been on again to day, , mr . tulkinghorn replies , making one of his quiet bows to my lady , who is on a sofa near the fire , shading her face with a hand screen . it would be useless to ask , says my lady with the dreariness of the place in lincolnshire still upon her , whether anything has been done . nothing that you would call anything has been done to day, , replies mr . tulkinghorn . nor ever will be , says my lady . sir leicester has no objection to an interminable chancery suit . it is a slow , expensive , british , constitutional kind of thing . to be sure , he has not a vital interest in the suit in question , her part in which was the only property my lady brought him and he has a shadowy impression that for his name  of dedlock  be in a cause , and not in the title of that cause , is a most ridiculous accident . but he regards the court of chancery , even if it should involve an occasional delay of justice and a trifling amount of confusion , as a something devised in conjunction with a variety of other somethings by the perfection of human wisdom for the eternal settlement of everything . and he is upon the whole of a fixed opinion that to give the sanction of his countenance to any complaints respecting it would be to encourage some person in the lower classes to rise up somewhere  wat tyler . as a few fresh affidavits have been put upon the file , says mr . tulkinghorn , and as they are short , and as i proceed upon the troublesome principle of begging leave to possess my clients with any new proceedings in a cause  man mr . tulkinghorn , taking no more responsibility than necessary  further , as i see you are going to paris , i have brought them in my pocket . sir leicester was going to paris too , by the by , but the delight of the fashionable intelligence was in his lady . mr . tulkinghorn takes out his papers , asks permission to place them on a golden talisman of a table at my ladys elbow , puts on his spectacles , and begins to read by the light of a shaded lamp . in chancery . between john jarndyce  my lady interrupts , requesting him to miss as many of the formal horrors as he can . mr . tulkinghorn glances over his spectacles and begins again lower down . my lady carelessly and scornfully abstracts her attention . sir leicester in a great chair looks at the file and appears to have a stately liking for the legal repetitions and prolixities as ranging among the national bulwarks . it happens that the fire is hot where my lady sits and that the hand screen is more beautiful than useful , being priceless but small . my lady , changing her position , sees the papers on the table  at them nearer  at them nearer still  impulsively , who copied that . mr . tulkinghorn stops short , surprised by my ladys animation and her unusual tone . is it what you people call law hand . she asks , looking full at him in her careless way again and toying with her screen . not quite . probably  . tulkinghorn examines it as he speaks  legal character which it has was acquired after the original hand was formed . why do you ask . anything to vary this detestable monotony . oh , go on , do . mr . tulkinghorn reads again . the heat is greater my lady screens her face . sir leicester dozes , starts up suddenly , and cries , eh . what do you say . i say i am afraid , says mr . tulkinghorn , who had risen hastily , that lady dedlock is ill . faint , my lady murmurs with white lips , only that but it is like the faintness of death . dont speak to me . ring , and take me to my room . mr . tulkinghorn retires into another chamber bells ring , feet shuffle and patter , silence ensues . mercury at last begs mr . tulkinghorn to return . better now , quoth sir leicester , motioning the lawyer to sit down and read to him alone . i have been quite alarmed . i never knew my lady swoon before . but the weather is extremely trying , and she really has been bored to death down at our place in lincolnshire . chapter iii a progress i have a great deal of difficulty in beginning to write my portion of these pages , for i know i am not clever . i always knew that . i can remember , when i was a very little girl indeed , i used to say to my doll when we were alone together , now , dolly , i am not clever , you know very well , and you must be patient with me , like a dear . and so she used to sit propped up in a great arm chair, , with her beautiful complexion and rosy lips , staring at me  not so much at me , i think , as at nothing  i busily stitched away and told her every one of my secrets . my dear old doll . i was such a shy little thing that i seldom dared to open my lips , and never dared to open my heart , to anybody else . it almost makes me cry to think what a relief it used to be to me when i came home from school of a day to run upstairs to my room and say , oh , you dear faithful dolly , i knew you would be expecting me . and then to sit down on the floor , leaning on the elbow of her great chair , and tell her all i had noticed since we parted . i had always rather a noticing way  a quick way , oh , no . silent way of noticing what passed before me and thinking i should like to understand it better . i have not by any means a quick understanding . when i love a person very tenderly indeed , it seems to brighten . but even that may be my vanity . i was brought up , from my earliest remembrance  some of the princesses in the fairy stories , only i was not charming  my godmother . at least , i only knew her as such . she was a good , woman . she went to church three times every sunday , and to morning prayers on wednesdays and fridays , and to lectures whenever there were lectures and never missed . she was handsome and if she had ever smiled , would have been like an angel  she never smiled . she was always grave and strict . she was so very good herself , i thought , that the badness of other people made her frown all her life . i felt so different from her , even making every allowance for the differences between a child and a woman i felt so poor , so trifling , and so far off that i never could be unrestrained with her  , could never even love her as i wished . it made me very sorry to consider how good she was and how unworthy of her i was , and i used ardently to hope that i might have a better heart and i talked it over very often with the dear old doll , but i never loved my godmother as i ought to have loved her and as i felt i must have loved her if i had been a better girl . this made me , i dare say , more timid and retiring than i naturally was and cast me upon dolly as the only friend with whom i felt at ease . but something happened when i was still quite a little thing that helped it very much . i had never heard my mama spoken of . i had never heard of my papa either , but i felt more interested about my mama . i had never worn a black frock , that i could recollect . i had never been shown my mamas grave . i had never been told where it was . yet i had never been taught to pray for any relation but my godmother . i had more than once approached this subject of my thoughts with mrs . rachael , our only servant , who took my light away when i was in bed another very good woman , but austere to me , and she had only said , esther , good night . and gone away and left me . although there were seven girls at the neighbouring school where i was a day boarder , and although they called me little esther summerson , i knew none of them at home . all of them were older than i , to be sure but there seemed to be some other separation between us besides that , and besides their being far more clever than i was and knowing much more than i did . one of them in the first week of my going to the school invited me home to a little party , to my great joy . but my godmother wrote a stiff letter declining for me , and i never went . i never went out at all . it was my birthday . there were holidays at school on other birthdays  on mine . there were rejoicings at home on other birthdays , as i knew from what i heard the girls relate to one another  were none on mine . my birthday was the most melancholy day at home in the whole year . i have mentioned that unless my vanity should deceive me as i know it may , for i may be very vain without suspecting it , though indeed i dont , my comprehension is quickened when my affection is . my disposition is very affectionate , and perhaps i might still feel such a wound if such a wound could be received more than once with the quickness of that birthday . dinner was over , and my godmother and i were sitting at the table before the fire . the clock ticked , the fire clicked not another sound had been heard in the room or in the house for i dont know how long . i happened to look timidly up from my stitching , across the table at my godmother , and i saw in her face , looking gloomily at me , it would have been far better , little esther , that you had no birthday , that you had never been born . i broke out crying and sobbing , and i said , oh , dear godmother , tell me , pray do tell me , did mama die on my birthday . no , she returned . ask me no more , child . oh , do pray tell me something of her . do now , at last , dear godmother , if you please . what did i do to her . how did i lose her . why am i so different from other children , and why is it my fault , dear godmother . no , dont go away . oh , speak to me . i was in a kind of fright beyond my grief , and i caught hold of her dress and was kneeling to her . she had been saying all the while , let me go . but now she stood still . her darkened face had such power over me that it stopped me in the midst of my vehemence . i put up my trembling little hand to clasp hers or to beg her pardon with what earnestness i might , but withdrew it as she looked at me , and laid it on my fluttering heart . she raised me , sat in her chair , and standing me before her , said slowly in a cold , low voice  see her knitted brow and pointed finger  mother , esther , is your disgrace , and you were hers . the time will come  soon enough  you will understand this better and will feel it too , as no one save a woman can . i have forgiven her  face did not relent  wrong she did to me , and i say no more of it , though it was greater than you will ever know  any one will ever know but i , the sufferer . for yourself , unfortunate girl , orphaned and degraded from the first of these evil anniversaries , pray daily that the sins of others be not visited upon your head , according to what is written . forget your mother and leave all other people to forget her who will do her unhappy child that greatest kindness . now , go . she checked me , however , as i was about to depart from her  frozen as i was . added this , submission , self denial, , diligent work , are the preparations for a life begun with such a shadow on it . you are different from other children , esther , because you were not born , like them , in common sinfulness and wrath . you are set apart . i went up to my room , and crept to bed , and laid my dolls cheek against mine wet with tears , and holding that solitary friend upon my bosom , cried myself to sleep . imperfect as my understanding of my sorrow was , i knew that i had brought no joy at any time to anybodys heart and that i was to no one upon earth what dolly was to me . dear , to think how much time we passed alone together afterwards , and how often i repeated to the doll the story of my birthday and confided to her that i would try as hard as ever i could to repair the fault i had been born with of which i confessedly felt guilty and yet innocent and would strive as i grew up to be industrious , contented , and kind hearted and to do some good to some one , and win some love to myself if i could . i hope it is not self indulgent to shed these tears as i think of it . i am very thankful , i am very cheerful , but i cannot quite help their coming to my eyes . there . i have wiped them away now and can go on again properly . i felt the distance between my godmother and myself so much more after the birthday , and felt so sensible of filling a place in her house which ought to have been empty , that i found her more difficult of approach , though i was fervently grateful to her in my heart , than ever . i felt in the same way towards my school companions i felt in the same way towards mrs . rachael , who was a widow and oh , towards her daughter , of whom she was proud , who came to see her once a fortnight . i was very retired and quiet , and tried to be very diligent . one sunny afternoon when i had come home from school with my books and portfolio , watching my long shadow at my side , and as i was gliding upstairs to my room as usual , my godmother looked out of the parlour door and called me back . sitting with her , i found  was very unusual indeed  stranger . a portly , important looking gentleman , dressed all in black , with a white cravat , large gold watch seals , a pair of gold eye glasses, , and a large seal ring upon his little finger . this , said my godmother in an undertone , is the child . then she said in her naturally stern way of speaking , this is esther , sir . the gentleman put up his eye glasses to look at me and said , come here , my dear . he shook hands with me and asked me to take off my bonnet , looking at me all the while . when i had complied , he said , ah . and afterwards yes . and then , taking off his eye glasses and folding them in a red case , and leaning back in his arm chair, , turning the case about in his two hands , he gave my godmother a nod . upon that , my godmother said , you may go upstairs , esther . and i made him my curtsy and left him . it must have been two years afterwards , and i was almost fourteen , when one dreadful night my godmother and i sat at the fireside . i was reading aloud , and she was listening . i had come down at nine oclock as i always did to read the bible to her , and was reading from st . john how our saviour stooped down , writing with his finger in the dust , when they brought the sinful woman to him . so when they continued asking him , he lifted up himself and said unto them , he that is without sin among you , let him first cast a stone at her . i was stopped by my godmothers rising , putting her hand to her head , and crying out in an awful voice from quite another part of the book , watch ye , therefore , lest coming suddenly he find you sleeping . and what i say unto you , i say unto all , watch . in an instant , while she stood before me repeating these words , she fell down on the floor . i had no need to cry out her voice had sounded through the house and been heard in the street . she was laid upon her bed . for more than a week she lay there , little altered outwardly , with her old handsome resolute frown that i so well knew carved upon her face . many and many a time , in the day and in the night , with my head upon the pillow by her that my whispers might be plainer to her , i kissed her , thanked her , prayed for her , asked her for her blessing and forgiveness , entreated her to give me the least sign that she knew or heard me . no , . her face was immovable . to the very last , and even afterwards , her frown remained unsoftened . on the day after my poor good godmother was buried , the gentleman in black with the white neckcloth reappeared . i was sent for by mrs . rachael , and found him in the same place , as if he had never gone away . my name is kenge , he said you may remember it , my child kenge and carboy , lincolns inn . i replied that i remembered to have seen him once before . pray be seated  near me . dont distress yourself its of no use . mrs . rachael , i neednt inform you who were acquainted with the late miss barbarys affairs , that her means die with her and that this young lady , now her aunt is dead  my aunt , sir . it is really of no use carrying on a deception when no object is to be gained by it , said mr . kenge smoothly , aunt in fact , though not in law . dont distress yourself . dont weep . dont tremble . mrs . rachael , our young friend has no doubt heard of  and jarndyce . never , said mrs . rachael . is it possible , pursued mr . kenge , putting up his eye glasses, , that our young friend  beg you wont distress yourself . heard of jarndyce and jarndyce . i shook my head , wondering even what it was . not of jarndyce and jarndyce . said mr . kenge , looking over his glasses at me and softly turning the case about and about as if he were petting something . not of one of the greatest chancery suits known . not of jarndyce and jarndyce  itself a monument of chancery practice . in which every difficulty , every contingency , every masterly fiction , every form of procedure known in that court , is represented over and over again . it is a cause that could not exist out of this free and great country . i should say that the aggregate of costs in jarndyce and jarndyce , mrs . rachael  was afraid he addressed himself to her because i appeared inattentive  at the present hour to from six ty to seven ty thousand pounds . said mr . kenge , leaning back in his chair . i felt very ignorant , but what could i do . i was so entirely unacquainted with the subject that i understood nothing about it even then . and she really never heard of the cause . said mr . kenge . surprising . miss barbary , sir , returned mrs . rachael , who is now among the seraphim  i hope so , i am sure , said mr . kenge politely . esther only to know what would be serviceable to her . and she knows , from any teaching she has had here , nothing more . well . said mr . kenge . upon the whole , very proper . now to the point , addressing me . miss barbary , your sole relation in fact that is , for i am bound to observe that in law you had none being deceased and it naturally not being to be expected that mrs . rachael  oh , dear no . said mrs . rachael quickly . quite so , assented mr . kenge mrs . rachael should charge herself with your maintenance and support i beg you wont distress yourself , you are in a position to receive the renewal of an offer which i was instructed to make to miss barbary some two years ago and which , though rejected then , was understood to be renewable under the lamentable circumstances that have since occurred . now , if i avow that i represent , in jarndyce and jarndyce and otherwise , a highly humane , but at the same time singular , man , shall i compromise myself by any stretch of my professional caution . said mr . kenge , leaning back in his chair again and looking calmly at us both . he appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice . i couldnt wonder at that , for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered . he listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand . i was very much impressed by him  then , before i knew that he formed himself on the model of a great lord who was his client and that he was generally called conversation kenge . mr . jarndyce , he pursued , being aware of the  would say , desolate  of our young friend , offers to place her at a first rate establishment where her education shall be completed , where her comfort shall be secured , where her reasonable wants shall be anticipated , where she shall be eminently qualified to discharge her duty in that station of life unto which it has pleased  i say providence . call her . my heart was filled so full , both by what he said and by his affecting manner of saying it , that i was not able to speak , though i tried . mr . jarndyce , he went on , makes no condition beyond expressing his expectation that our young friend will not at any time remove herself from the establishment in question without his knowledge and concurrence . that she will faithfully apply herself to the acquisition of those accomplishments , upon the exercise of which she will be ultimately dependent . that she will tread in the paths of virtue and honour , and  forth . i was still less able to speak than before . now , what does our young friend say . proceeded mr . kenge . take time , take time . i pause for her reply . but take time . what the destitute subject of such an offer tried to say , i need not repeat . what she did say , i could more easily tell , if it were worth the telling . what she felt , and will feel to her dying hour , i could never relate . this interview took place at windsor , where i had passed as far as i knew my whole life . on that day week , amply provided with all necessaries , i left it , inside the stagecoach , for reading . mrs . rachael was too good to feel any emotion at parting , but i was not so good , and wept bitterly . i thought that i ought to have known her better after so many years and ought to have made myself enough of a favourite with her to make her sorry then . when she gave me one cold parting kiss upon my forehead , like a thaw drop from the stone porch  was a very frosty day  felt so miserable and self reproachful that i clung to her and told her it was my fault , i knew , that she could say good bye so easily . no , esther . she returned . it is your misfortune . the coach was at the little lawn gate had not come out until we heard the wheels  thus i left her , with a sorrowful heart . she went in before my boxes were lifted to the coach roof and shut the door . as long as i could see the house , i looked back at it from the window through my tears . my godmother had left mrs . rachael all the little property she possessed and there was to be a sale and an old hearth rug with roses on it , which always seemed to me the first thing in the world i had ever seen , was hanging outside in the frost and snow . a day or two before , i had wrapped the dear old doll in her own shawl and quietly laid her  am half ashamed to tell it  the garden earth under the tree that shaded my old window . i had no companion left but my bird , and him i carried with me in his cage . when the house was out of sight , i sat , with my bird cage in the straw at my feet , forward on the low seat to look out of the high window , watching the frosty trees , that were like beautiful pieces of spar , and the fields all smooth and white with last nights snow , and the sun , so red but yielding so little heat , and the ice , dark like metal where the skaters and sliders had brushed the snow away . there was a gentleman in the coach who sat on the opposite seat and looked very large in a quantity of wrappings , but he sat gazing out of the other window and took no notice of me . i thought of my dead godmother , of the night when i read to her , of her frowning so fixedly and sternly in her bed , of the strange place i was going to , of the people i should find there , and what they would be like , and what they would say to me , when a voice in the coach gave me a terrible start . it said , what the de vil are you crying for . i was so frightened that i lost my voice and could only answer in a whisper , me , sir . for of course i knew it must have been the gentleman in the quantity of wrappings , though he was still looking out of his window . yes , you , he said , turning round . i didnt know i was crying , sir , i faltered . but you are . said the gentleman . look here . he came quite opposite to me from the other corner of the coach , brushed one of his large furry cuffs across my eyes and showed me that it was wet . there . now you know you are , he said . dont you . yes , sir , i said . and what are you crying for . said the gentleman , dont you want to go there . where , sir . where . why , wherever you are going , said the gentleman . i am very glad to go there , sir , i answered . well , then . look glad . said the gentleman . i thought he was very strange , or at least that what i could see of him was very strange , for he was wrapped up to the chin , and his face was almost hidden in a fur cap with broad fur straps at the side of his head fastened under his chin but i was composed again , and not afraid of him . so i told him that i thought i must have been crying because of my godmothers death and because of mrs . rachaels not being sorry to part with me . confound mrs . rachael . said the gentleman . let her fly away in a high wind on a broomstick . i began to be really afraid of him now and looked at him with the greatest astonishment . but i thought that he had pleasant eyes , although he kept on muttering to himself in an angry manner and calling mrs . rachael names . after a little while he opened his outer wrapper , which appeared to me large enough to wrap up the whole coach , and put his arm down into a deep pocket in the side . now , look here . he said . in this paper , which was nicely folded , is a piece of the best plum cake that can be got for money  on the outside an inch thick , like fat on mutton chops . heres a little pie made in france . and what do you suppose its made of . livers of fat geese . theres a pie . now lets see you eat em . thank you , sir , i replied thank you very much indeed , but i hope you wont be offended  are too rich for me . floored again . said the gentleman , which i didnt at all understand , and threw them both out of window . he did not speak to me any more until he got out of the coach a little way short of reading , when he advised me to be a good girl and to be studious , and shook hands with me . i must say i was relieved by his departure . we left him at a milestone . i often walked past it afterwards , and never for a long time without thinking of him and half expecting to meet him . but i never did and so , as time went on , he passed out of my mind . when the coach stopped , a very neat lady looked up at the window and said , miss donny . no , maam , esther summerson . that is quite right , said the lady , miss donny . i now understood that she introduced herself by that name , and begged miss donnys pardon for my mistake , and pointed out my boxes at her request . under the direction of a very neat maid , they were put outside a very small green carriage and then miss donny , the maid , and i got inside and were driven away . everything is ready for you , esther , said miss donny , and the scheme of your pursuits has been arranged in exact accordance with the wishes of your guardian , mr . jarndyce . of  you say , maam . of your guardian , mr . jarndyce , said miss donny . i was so bewildered that miss donny thought the cold had been too severe for me and lent me her smelling bottle . do you know my  , mr . jarndyce , maam . i asked after a good deal of hesitation . not personally , esther , said miss donny merely through his solicitors , messrs . kenge and carboy , of london . a very superior gentleman , mr . kenge . truly eloquent indeed . some of his periods quite majestic . i felt this to be very true but was too confused to attend to it . our speedy arrival at our destination , before i had time to recover myself , increased my confusion , and i never shall forget the uncertain and the unreal air of everything at greenleaf miss donnys house that afternoon . but i soon became used to it . i was so adapted to the routine of greenleaf before long that i seemed to have been there a great while and almost to have dreamed rather than really lived my old life at my godmothers . nothing could be more precise , exact , and orderly than greenleaf . there was a time for everything all round the dial of the clock , and everything was done at its appointed moment . we were twelve boarders , and there were two miss donnys , twins . it was understood that i would have to depend , by and by , on my qualifications as a governess , and i was not only instructed in everything that was taught at greenleaf , but was very soon engaged in helping to instruct others . although i was treated in every other respect like the rest of the school , this single difference was made in my case from the first . as i began to know more , i taught more , and so in course of time i had plenty to do , which i was very fond of doing because it made the dear girls fond of me . at last , whenever a new pupil came who was a little downcast and unhappy , she was so sure  i dont know why  make a friend of me that all new comers were confided to my care . they said i was so gentle , but i am sure they were . i often thought of the resolution i had made on my birthday to try to be industrious , contented , and true hearted and to do some good to some one and win some love if i could and indeed , i felt almost ashamed to have done so little and have won so much . i passed at greenleaf six happy , quiet years . i never saw in any face there , thank heaven , on my birthday , that it would have been better if i had never been born . when the day came round , it brought me so many tokens of affectionate remembrance that my room was beautiful with them from new years day to christmas . in those six years i had never been away except on visits at holiday time in the neighbourhood . after the first six months or so i had taken miss donnys advice in reference to the propriety of writing to mr . kenge to say that i was happy and grateful , and with her approval i had written such a letter . i had received a formal answer acknowledging its receipt and saying , we note the contents thereof , which shall be duly communicated to our client . after that i sometimes heard miss donny and her sister mention how regular my accounts were paid , and about twice a year i ventured to write a similar letter . i always received by return of post exactly the same answer in the same round hand , with the signature of kenge and carboy in another writing , which i supposed to be mr . kenges . it seems so curious to me to be obliged to write all this about myself . as if this narrative were the narrative of my life . but my little body will soon fall into the background now . six quiet years i had passed at greenleaf , seeing in those around me , as it might be in a looking glass, , every stage of my own growth and change there , when , one november morning , i received this letter . i omit the date . old square , lincolns inn madam , jarndyce and jarndyce our clt mr . jarndyce being abt to rece into his house , under an order of the ct of chy , a ward of the ct in this cause , for whom he wishes to secure an elgble compn , directs us to inform you that he will be glad of your serces in the afsd capacity . we have arrngd for your being forded , carriage free , pr eight oclock coach from reading , on monday morning next , to white horse cellar , piccadilly , london , where one of our clks will be in waiting to convey you to our offe as above . we are , madam , your obedt servts , kenge and carboy miss esther summerson oh , never , shall i forget the emotion this letter caused in the house . it was so tender in them to care so much for me , it was so gracious in that father who had not forgotten me to have made my orphan way so smooth and easy and to have inclined so many youthful natures towards me , that i could hardly bear it . not that i would have had them less sorry  am afraid not but the pleasure of it , and the pain of it , and the pride and joy of it , and the humble regret of it were so blended that my heart seemed almost breaking while it was full of rapture . the letter gave me only five days notice of my removal . when every minute added to the proofs of love and kindness that were given me in those five days , and when at last the morning came and when they took me through all the rooms that i might see them for the last time , and when some cried , esther , dear , say good bye to me here at my bedside , where you first spoke so kindly to me . and when others asked me only to write their names , with esthers love , and when they all surrounded me with their parting presents and clung to me weeping and cried , what shall we do when dear , esthers gone . and when i tried to tell them how forbearing and how good they had all been to me and how i blessed and thanked them every one , what a heart i had . and when the two miss donnys grieved as much to part with me as the least among them , and when the maids said , bless you , miss , wherever you go . and when the ugly lame old gardener , who i thought had hardly noticed me in all those years , came panting after the coach to give me a little nosegay of geraniums and told me i had been the light of his eyes  the old man said so . a heart i had then . and could i help it if with all this , and the coming to the little school , and the unexpected sight of the poor children outside waving their hats and bonnets to me , and of a grey haired gentleman and lady whose daughter i had helped to teach and at whose house i had visited caring for nothing but calling out , good bye, , esther . may you be very happy . i help it if i was quite bowed down in the coach by myself and said oh , i am so thankful , i am so thankful . many times over . but of course i soon considered that i must not take tears where i was going after all that had been done for me . therefore , of course , i made myself sob less and persuaded myself to be quiet by saying very often , esther , now you really must . this will not do . i cheered myself up pretty well at last , though i am afraid i was longer about it than i ought to have been and when i had cooled my eyes with lavender water , it was time to watch for london . i was quite persuaded that we were there when we were ten miles off , and when we really were there , that we should never get there . however , when we began to jolt upon a stone pavement , and particularly when every other conveyance seemed to be running into us , and we seemed to be running into every other conveyance , i began to believe that we really were approaching the end of our journey . very soon afterwards we stopped . a young gentleman who had inked himself by accident addressed me from the pavement and said , i am from kenge and carboys , miss , of lincolns inn . if you please , sir , said i . he was very obliging , and as he handed me into a fly after superintending the removal of my boxes , i asked him whether there was a great fire anywhere . for the streets were so full of dense brown smoke that scarcely anything was to be seen . oh , dear no , miss , he said . this is a london particular . i had never heard of such a thing . a fog , miss , said the young gentleman . oh , indeed . said i . we drove slowly through the dirtiest and darkest streets that ever were seen in the world and in such a distracting state of confusion that i wondered how the people kept their senses , until we passed into sudden quietude under an old gateway and drove on through a silent square until we came to an odd nook in a corner , where there was an entrance up a steep , broad flight of stairs , like an entrance to a church . and there really was a churchyard outside under some cloisters , for i saw the gravestones from the staircase window . this was kenge and carboys . the young gentleman showed me through an outer office into mr . kenges room  was no one in it  politely put an arm chair for me by the fire . he then called my attention to a little looking glass hanging from a nail on one side of the chimney piece . in case you should wish to look at yourself , miss , after the journey , as youre going before the chancellor . not that its requisite , i am sure , said the young gentleman civilly . going before the chancellor . i said , startled for a moment . only a matter of form , miss , returned the young gentleman . mr . kenge is in court now . he left his compliments , and would you partake of some refreshment  were biscuits and a decanter of wine on a small table  look over the paper , which the young gentleman gave me as he spoke . he then stirred the fire and left me . everything was so strange  stranger from its being night in the day time, , the candles burning with a white flame , and looking raw and cold  i read the words in the newspaper without knowing what they meant and found myself reading the same words repeatedly . as it was of no use going on in that way , i put the paper down , took a peep at my bonnet in the glass to see if it was neat , and looked at the room , which was not half lighted , and at the shabby , dusty tables , and at the piles of writings , and at a bookcase full of the most inexpressive looking books that ever had anything to say for themselves . then i went on , thinking , and the fire went on , burning , and the candles went on flickering and guttering , and there were no snuffers  the young gentleman by and by brought a very dirty pair  two hours . at last mr . kenge came . he was not altered , but he was surprised to see how altered i was and appeared quite pleased . as you are going to be the companion of the young lady who is now in the chancellors private room , miss summerson , he said , we thought it well that you should be in attendance also . you will not be discomposed by the lord chancellor , i dare say . no , sir , i said , i dont think i shall , really not seeing on consideration why i should be . so mr . kenge gave me his arm and we went round the corner , under a colonnade , and in at a side door . and so we came , along a passage , into a comfortable sort of room where a young lady and a young gentleman were standing near a great , loud roaring fire . a screen was interposed between them and it , and they were leaning on the screen , talking . they both looked up when i came in , and i saw in the young lady , with the fire shining upon her , such a beautiful girl . with such rich golden hair , such soft blue eyes , and such a bright , innocent , trusting face . miss ada , said mr . kenge , this is miss summerson . she came to meet me with a smile of welcome and her hand extended , but seemed to change her mind in a moment and kissed me . in short , she had such a natural , captivating , winning manner that in a few minutes we were sitting in the window seat, , with the light of the fire upon us , talking together as free and happy as could be . what a load off my mind . it was so delightful to know that she could confide in me and like me . it was so good of her , and so encouraging to me . the young gentleman was her distant cousin , she told me , and his name richard carstone . he was a handsome youth with an ingenuous face and a most engaging laugh and after she had called him up to where we sat , he stood by us , in the light of the fire , talking gaily , like a light hearted boy . he was very young , not more than nineteen then , if quite so much , but nearly two years older than she was . they were both orphans and had never met before that day . our all three coming together for the first time in such an unusual place was a thing to talk about , and we talked about it and the fire , which had left off roaring , winked its red eyes at us  richard said  a drowsy old chancery lion . we conversed in a low tone because a full dressed gentleman in a bag wig frequently came in and out , and when he did so , we could hear a drawling sound in the distance , which he said was one of the counsel in our case addressing the lord chancellor . he told mr . kenge that the chancellor would be up in five minutes and presently we heard a bustle and a tread of feet , and mr . kenge said that the court had risen and his lordship was in the next room . the gentleman in the bag wig opened the door almost directly and requested mr . kenge to come in . upon that , we all went into the next room , mr . kenge first , with my darling  is so natural to me now that i cant help writing it and there , plainly dressed in black and sitting in an arm chair at a table near the fire , was his lordship , whose robe , trimmed with beautiful gold lace , was thrown upon another chair . he gave us a searching look as we entered , but his manner was both courtly and kind . the gentleman in the bag wig laid bundles of papers on his lordships table , and his lordship silently selected one and turned over the leaves . miss clare , said the lord chancellor . miss ada clare . mr . kenge presented her , and his lordship begged her to sit down near him . that he admired her and was interested by her even i could see in a moment . it touched me that the home of such a beautiful young creature should be represented by that dry , official place . the lord high chancellor , at his best , appeared so poor a substitute for the love and pride of parents . the jarndyce in question , said the lord chancellor , still turning over leaves , is jarndyce of bleak house . jarndyce of bleak house , my lord , said mr . kenge . a dreary name , said the lord chancellor . but not a dreary place at present , my lord , said mr . kenge . and bleak house , said his lordship , is in  hertfordshire , my lord . mr . jarndyce of bleak house is not married . said his lordship . he is not , my lord , said mr . kenge . a pause . young mr . richard carstone is present . said the lord chancellor , glancing towards him . richard bowed and stepped forward . hum . said the lord chancellor , turning over more leaves . mr . jarndyce of bleak house , my lord , mr . kenge observed in a low voice , if i may venture to remind your lordship , provides a suitable companion for  for mr . richard carstone . i thought i heard his lordship say in an equally low voice and with a smile . for miss ada clare . this is the young lady . miss summerson . his lordship gave me an indulgent look and acknowledged my curtsy very graciously . miss summerson is not related to any party in the cause , i think . no , my lord . mr . kenge leant over before it was quite said and whispered . his lordship , with his eyes upon his papers , listened , nodded twice or thrice , turned over more leaves , and did not look towards me again until we were going away . mr . kenge now retired , and richard with him , to where i was , near the door , leaving my pet it is so natural to me that again i cant help it . sitting near the lord chancellor , with whom his lordship spoke a little part , asking her , as she told me afterwards , whether she had well reflected on the proposed arrangement , and if she thought she would be happy under the roof of mr . jarndyce of bleak house , and why she thought so . presently he rose courteously and released her , and then he spoke for a minute or two with richard carstone , not seated , but standing , and altogether with more ease and less ceremony , as if he still knew , though he was lord chancellor , how to go straight to the candour of a boy . very well . said his lordship aloud . i shall make the order . mr . jarndyce of bleak house has chosen , so far as i may judge , and this was when he looked at me , a very good companion for the young lady , and the arrangement altogether seems the best of which the circumstances admit . he dismissed us pleasantly , and we all went out , very much obliged to him for being so affable and polite , by which he had certainly lost no dignity but seemed to us to have gained some . when we got under the colonnade , mr . kenge remembered that he must go back for a moment to ask a question and left us in the fog , with the lord chancellors carriage and servants waiting for him to come out . well . said richard carstone . thats over . and where do we go next , miss summerson . dont you know . i said . not in the least , said he . and dont you know , my love . i asked ada . no . said she . dont you . not at all . said i . we looked at one another , half laughing at our being like the children in the wood , when a curious little old woman in a squeezed bonnet and carrying a reticule came curtsying and smiling up to us with an air of great ceremony . oh . said she . the wards in jarndyce . ve ry happy , i am sure , to have the honour . it is a good omen for youth , and hope , and beauty when they find themselves in this place , and dont know whats to come of it . mad . whispered richard , not thinking she could hear him . right . mad , young gentleman , she returned so quickly that he was quite abashed . i was a ward myself . i was not mad at that time , curtsying low and smiling between every little sentence . i had youth and hope . i believe , beauty . it matters very little now . neither of the three served or saved me . i have the honour to attend court regularly . with my documents . i expect a judgment . shortly . on the day of judgment . i have discovered that the sixth seal mentioned in the revelations is the great seal . it has been open a long time . pray accept my blessing . as ada was a little frightened , i said , to humour the poor old lady , that we were much obliged to her . ye es . she said mincingly . i imagine so . and here is conversation kenge . with his documents . how does your honourable worship do . quite well , quite well . now dont be troublesome , thats a good soul . said mr . kenge , leading the way back . by no means , said the poor old lady , keeping up with ada and me . anything but troublesome . i shall confer estates on both  is not being troublesome , i trust . i expect a judgment . shortly . on the day of judgment . this is a good omen for you . accept my blessing . she stopped at the bottom of the steep , broad flight of stairs but we looked back as we went up , and she was still there , saying , still with a curtsy and a smile between every little sentence , youth . and hope . and beauty . and chancery . and conversation kenge . ha . pray accept my blessing . chapter iv telescopic philanthropy we were to pass the night , mr . kenge told us when we arrived in his room , at mrs . jellybys and then he turned to me and said he took it for granted i knew who mrs . jellyby was . i really dont , sir , i returned . perhaps mr . carstone  miss clare  but no , they knew nothing whatever about mrs . jellyby . in deed . mrs . jellyby , said mr . kenge , standing with his back to the fire and casting his eyes over the dusty hearth rug as if it were mrs . jellybys biography , is a lady of very remarkable strength of character who devotes herself entirely to the public . she has devoted herself to an extensive variety of public subjects at various times and is at present devoted to the subject of africa , with a view to the general cultivation of the coffee berry  the natives  the happy settlement , on the banks of the african rivers , of our superabundant home population . mr . jarndyce , who is desirous to aid any work that is considered likely to be a good work and who is much sought after by philanthropists , has , i believe , a very high opinion of mrs . jellyby . mr . kenge , adjusting his cravat , then looked at us . and mr . jellyby , sir . suggested richard . ah . mr . jellyby , said mr . kenge , is  dont know that i can describe him to you better than by saying that he is the husband of mrs . jellyby . a nonentity , sir . said richard with a droll look . i dont say that , returned mr . kenge gravely . i cant say that , indeed , for i know nothing whatever of mr . jellyby . i never , to my knowledge , had the pleasure of seeing mr . jellyby . he may be a very superior man , but he is , so to speak , merged  the more shining qualities of his wife . mr . kenge proceeded to tell us that as the road to bleak house would have been very long , dark , and tedious on such an evening , and as we had been travelling already , mr . jarndyce had himself proposed this arrangement . a carriage would be at mrs . jellybys to convey us out of town early in the forenoon of to morrow . he then rang a little bell , and the young gentleman came in . addressing him by the name of guppy , mr . kenge inquired whether miss summersons boxes and the rest of the baggage had been sent round . mr . guppy said yes , they had been sent round , and a coach was waiting to take us round too as soon as we pleased . then it only remains , said mr . kenge , shaking hands with us , for me to express my lively satisfaction in the arrangement this day concluded and my good bye to you , miss summerson . lively hope that it will conduce to the happiness , the glad to have had the honour of making your acquaintance , mr . carstone . welfare , the advantage in all points of view , of all concerned . guppy , see the party safely there . where is there , mr . guppy . said richard as we went downstairs . no distance , said mr . guppy round in thavies inn , you know . i cant say i know where it is , for i come from winchester and am strange in london . only round the corner , said mr . guppy . we just twist up chancery lane , and cut along holborn , and there we are in four minutes time , as near as a toucher . this is about a london particular now , aint it , miss . he seemed quite delighted with it on my account . the fog is very dense indeed . said i . not that it affects you , though , im sure , said mr . guppy , putting up the steps . on the contrary , it seems to do you good , miss , judging from your appearance . i knew he meant well in paying me this compliment , so i laughed at myself for blushing at it when he had shut the door and got upon the box and we all three laughed and chatted about our inexperience and the strangeness of london until we turned up under an archway to our destination  narrow street of high houses like an oblong cistern to hold the fog . there was a confused little crowd of people , principally children , gathered about the house at which we stopped , which had a tarnished brass plate on the door with the inscription jellyby . dont be frightened . said mr . guppy , looking in at the coach window . one of the young jellybys been and got his head through the area railings . oh , poor child , said i let me out , if you please . pray be careful of yourself , miss . the young jellybys are always up to something , said mr . guppy . i made my way to the poor child , who was one of the dirtiest little unfortunates i ever saw , and found him very hot and frightened and crying loudly , fixed by the neck between two iron railings , while a milkman and a beadle , with the kindest intentions possible , were endeavouring to drag him back by the legs , under a general impression that his skull was compressible by those means . as i found after pacifying him that he was a little boy with a naturally large head , i thought that perhaps where his head could go , his body could follow , and mentioned that the best mode of extrication might be to push him forward . this was so favourably received by the milkman and beadle that he would immediately have been pushed into the area if i had not held his pinafore while richard and mr . guppy ran down through the kitchen to catch him when he should be released . at last he was happily got down without any accident , and then he began to beat mr . guppy with a hoop stick in quite a frantic manner . nobody had appeared belonging to the house except a person in pattens , who had been poking at the child from below with a broom i dont know with what object , and i dont think she did . i therefore supposed that mrs . jellyby was not at home , and was quite surprised when the person appeared in the passage without the pattens , and going up to the back room on the first floor before ada and me , announced us as , them two young ladies , missis jellyby . we passed several more children on the way up , whom it was difficult to avoid treading on in the dark and as we came into mrs . jellybys presence , one of the poor little things fell downstairs  a whole flight with a great noise . mrs . jellyby , whose face reflected none of the uneasiness which we could not help showing in our own faces as the dear childs head recorded its passage with a bump on every stair  afterwards said he counted seven , besides one for the landing  us with perfect equanimity . she was a pretty , very diminutive , plump woman of from forty to fifty , with handsome eyes , though they had a curious habit of seeming to look a long way off . as if  am quoting richard again  could see nothing nearer than africa . i am very glad indeed , said mrs . jellyby in an agreeable voice , to have the pleasure of receiving you . i have a great respect for mr . jarndyce , and no one in whom he is interested can be an object of indifference to me . we expressed our acknowledgments and sat down behind the door , where there was a lame invalid of a sofa . mrs . jellyby had very good hair but was too much occupied with her african duties to brush it . the shawl in which she had been loosely muffled dropped onto her chair when she advanced to us and as she turned to resume her seat , we could not help noticing that her dress didnt nearly meet up the back and that the open space was railed across with a lattice work of stay lace a summer house . the room , which was strewn with papers and nearly filled by a great writing table covered with similar litter , was , i must say , not only very untidy but very dirty . we were obliged to take notice of that with our sense of sight , even while , with our sense of hearing , we followed the poor child who had tumbled downstairs i think into the back kitchen , where somebody seemed to stifle him . but what principally struck us was a jaded and unhealthy looking though by no means plain girl at the writing table, , who sat biting the feather of her pen and staring at us . i suppose nobody ever was in such a state of ink . and from her tumbled hair to her pretty feet , which were disfigured with frayed and broken satin slippers trodden down at heel , she really seemed to have no article of dress upon her , from a pin upwards , that was in its proper condition or its right place . you find me , my dears , said mrs . jellyby , snuffing the two great office candles in tin candlesticks , which made the room taste strongly of hot tallow the fire had gone out , and there was nothing in the grate but ashes , a bundle of wood , and a poker , you find me , my dears , as usual , very busy but that you will excuse . the african project at present employs my whole time . it involves me in correspondence with public bodies and with private individuals anxious for the welfare of their species all over the country . i am happy to say it is advancing . we hope by this time next year to have from a hundred and fifty to two hundred healthy families cultivating coffee and educating the natives of borrioboola gha, , on the left bank of the niger . as ada said nothing , but looked at me , i said it must be very gratifying . it is gratifying , said mrs . jellyby . it involves the devotion of all my energies , such as they are but that is nothing , so that it succeeds and i am more confident of success every day . do you know , miss summerson , i almost wonder that you never turned your thoughts to africa . this application of the subject was really so unexpected to me that i was quite at a loss how to receive it . i hinted that the climate  the finest climate in the world . said mrs . jellyby . indeed , maam . certainly . with precaution , said mrs . jellyby . you may go into holborn , without precaution , and be run over . you may go into holborn , with precaution , and never be run over . just so with africa . i said , no doubt . i meant as to holborn . if you would like , said mrs . jellyby , putting a number of papers towards us , to look over some remarks on that head , and on the general subject , which have been extensively circulated , while i finish a letter i am now dictating to my eldest daughter , who is my amanuensis  the girl at the table left off biting her pen and made a return to our recognition , which was half bashful and half sulky . shall then have finished for the present , proceeded mrs . jellyby with a sweet smile , though my work is never done . where are you , caddy . presents her compliments to mr . swallow , and begs  said caddy . and begs , said mrs . jellyby , dictating , to inform him , in reference to his letter of inquiry on the african project  no , peepy . not on my account . peepy was the unfortunate child who had fallen downstairs , who now interrupted the correspondence by presenting himself , with a strip of plaster on his forehead , to exhibit his wounded knees , in which ada and i did not know which to pity most  bruises or the dirt . mrs . jellyby merely added , with the serene composure with which she said everything , go along , you naughty peepy . and fixed her fine eyes on africa again . however , as she at once proceeded with her dictation , and as i interrupted nothing by doing it , i ventured quietly to stop poor peepy as he was going out and to take him up to nurse . he looked very much astonished at it and at adas kissing him , but soon fell fast asleep in my arms , sobbing at longer and longer intervals , until he was quiet . i was so occupied with peepy that i lost the letter in detail , though i derived such a general impression from it of the momentous importance of africa , and the utter insignificance of all other places and things , that i felt quite ashamed to have thought so little about it . six oclock . said mrs . jellyby . and our dinner hour is nominally five . caddy , show miss clare and miss summerson their rooms . you will like to make some change , perhaps . you will excuse me , i know , being so much occupied . oh , that very bad child . pray put him down , miss summerson . i begged permission to retain him , truly saying that he was not at all troublesome , and carried him upstairs and laid him on my bed . ada and i had two upper rooms with a door of communication between . they were excessively bare and disorderly , and the curtain to my window was fastened up with a fork . you would like some hot water , wouldnt you . said miss jellyby , looking round for a jug with a handle to it , but looking in vain . if it is not being troublesome , said we . oh , its not the trouble , returned miss jellyby the question is , if there is any . the evening was so very cold and the rooms had such a marshy smell that i must confess it was a little miserable , and ada was half crying . we soon laughed , however , and were busily unpacking when miss jellyby came back to say that she was sorry there was no hot water , but they couldnt find the kettle , and the boiler was out of order . we begged her not to mention it and made all the haste we could to get down to the fire again . but all the little children had come up to the landing outside to look at the phenomenon of peepy lying on my bed , and our attention was distracted by the constant apparition of noses and fingers in situations of danger between the hinges of the doors . it was impossible to shut the door of either room , for my lock , with no knob to it , looked as if it wanted to be wound up and though the handle of adas went round and round with the greatest smoothness , it was attended with no effect whatever on the door . therefore i proposed to the children that they should come in and be very good at my table , and i would tell them the story of little red riding hood while i dressed which they did , and were as quiet as mice , including peepy , who awoke opportunely before the appearance of the wolf . when we went downstairs we found a mug with a present from tunbridge wells on it lighted up in the staircase window with a floating wick , and a young woman , with a swelled face bound up in a flannel bandage blowing the fire of the drawing room now connected by an open door with mrs . jellybys room and choking dreadfully . it smoked to that degree , in short , that we all sat coughing and crying with the windows open for half an hour , during which mrs . jellyby , with the same sweetness of temper , directed letters about africa . her being so employed was , i must say , a great relief to me , for richard told us that he had washed his hands in a pie dish and that they had found the kettle on his dressing table, , and he made ada laugh so that they made me laugh in the most ridiculous manner . soon after seven oclock we went down to dinner , carefully , by mrs . jellybys advice , for the stair carpets, , besides being very deficient in stair wires, , were so torn as to be absolute traps . we had a fine cod fish, , a piece of roast beef , a dish of cutlets , and a pudding an excellent dinner , if it had any cooking to speak of , but it was almost raw . the young woman with the flannel bandage waited , and dropped everything on the table wherever it happened to go , and never moved it again until she put it on the stairs . the person i had seen in pattens , who i suppose to have been the cook , frequently came and skirmished with her at the door , and there appeared to be ill will between them . all through dinner  was long , in consequence of such accidents as the dish of potatoes being mislaid in the coal skuttle and the handle of the corkscrew coming off and striking the young woman in the chin  . jellyby preserved the evenness of her disposition . she told us a great deal that was interesting about borrioboola gha and the natives , and received so many letters that richard , who sat by her , saw four envelopes in the gravy at once . some of the letters were proceedings of ladies committees or resolutions of ladies meetings , which she read to us others were applications from people excited in various ways about the cultivation of coffee , and natives others required answers , and these she sent her eldest daughter from the table three or four times to write . she was full of business and undoubtedly was , as she had told us , devoted to the cause . i was a little curious to know who a mild bald gentleman in spectacles was , who dropped into a vacant chair there was no top or bottom in particular after the fish was taken away and seemed passively to submit himself to borrioboola gha but not to be actively interested in that settlement . as he never spoke a word , he might have been a native but for his complexion . it was not until we left the table and he remained alone with richard that the possibility of his being mr . jellyby ever entered my head . but he was mr . jellyby and a loquacious young man called mr . quale , with large shining knobs for temples and his hair all brushed to the back of his head , who came in the evening , and told ada he was a philanthropist , also informed her that he called the matrimonial alliance of mrs . jellyby with mr . jellyby the union of mind and matter . this young man , besides having a great deal to say for himself about africa and a project of his for teaching the coffee colonists to teach the natives to turn piano forte legs and establish an export trade , delighted in drawing mrs . jellyby out by saying , i believe now , mrs . jellyby , you have received as many as from one hundred and fifty to two hundred letters respecting africa in a single day , have you not . or , if my memory does not deceive me , mrs . jellyby , you once mentioned that you had sent off five thousand circulars from one post office at one time . repeating mrs . jellybys answer to us like an interpreter . during the whole evening , mr . jellyby sat in a corner with his head against the wall as if he were subject to low spirits . it seemed that he had several times opened his mouth when alone with richard after dinner , as if he had something on his mind , but had always shut it again , to richards extreme confusion , without saying anything . mrs . jellyby , sitting in quite a nest of waste paper , drank coffee all the evening and dictated at intervals to her eldest daughter . she also held a discussion with mr . quale , of which the subject seemed to be  i understood it  brotherhood of humanity , and gave utterance to some beautiful sentiments . i was not so attentive an auditor as i might have wished to be , however , for peepy and the other children came flocking about ada and me in a corner of the drawing room to ask for another story so we sat down among them and told them in whispers puss in boots and i dont know what else until mrs . jellyby , accidentally remembering them , sent them to bed . as peepy cried for me to take him to bed , i carried him upstairs , where the young woman with the flannel bandage charged into the midst of the little family like a dragon and overturned them into cribs . after that i occupied myself in making our room a little tidy and in coaxing a very cross fire that had been lighted to burn , which at last it did , quite brightly . on my return downstairs , i felt that mrs . jellyby looked down upon me rather for being so frivolous , and i was sorry for it , though at the same time i knew that i had no higher pretensions . it was nearly midnight before we found an opportunity of going to bed , and even then we left mrs . jellyby among her papers drinking coffee and miss jellyby biting the feather of her pen . what a strange house . said ada when we got upstairs . how curious of my cousin jarndyce to send us here . my love , said i , it quite confuses me . i want to understand it , and i cant understand it at all . what . asked ada with her pretty smile . all this , my dear , said i . it must be very good of mrs . jellyby to take such pains about a scheme for the benefit of natives  yet  and the housekeeping . ada laughed and put her arm about my neck as i stood looking at the fire , and told me i was a quiet , dear , good creature and had won her heart . you are so thoughtful , esther , she said , and yet so cheerful . and you do so much , so unpretendingly . you would make a home out of even this house . my simple darling . she was quite unconscious that she only praised herself and that it was in the goodness of her own heart that she made so much of me . may i ask you a question . said i when we had sat before the fire a little while . five hundred , said ada . your cousin , mr . jarndyce . i owe so much to him . would you mind describing him to me . shaking her golden hair , ada turned her eyes upon me with such laughing wonder that i was full of wonder too , partly at her beauty , partly at her surprise . esther . she cried . my dear . you want a description of my cousin jarndyce . my dear , i never saw him . and i never saw him . returned ada . well , to be sure . no , she had never seen him . young as she was when her mama died , she remembered how the tears would come into her eyes when she spoke of him and of the noble generosity of his character , which she had said was to be trusted above all earthly things and ada trusted it . her cousin jarndyce had written to her a few months ago  plain , honest letter , ada said  the arrangement we were now to enter on and telling her that in time it might heal some of the wounds made by the miserable chancery suit . she had replied , gratefully accepting his proposal . richard had received a similar letter and had made a similar response . he had seen mr . jarndyce once , but only once , five years ago , at winchester school . he had told ada , when they were leaning on the screen before the fire where i found them , that he recollected him as a bluff , rosy fellow . this was the utmost description ada could give me . it set me thinking so that when ada was asleep , i still remained before the fire , wondering and wondering about bleak house , and wondering and wondering that yesterday morning should seem so long ago . i dont know where my thoughts had wandered when they were recalled by a tap at the door . i opened it softly and found miss jellyby shivering there with a broken candle in a broken candlestick in one hand and an egg cup in the other . good night . she said very sulkily . good night . said i . may i come in . she shortly and unexpectedly asked me in the same sulky way . certainly , said i . dont wake miss clare . she would not sit down , but stood by the fire dipping her inky middle finger in the egg cup, , which contained vinegar , and smearing it over the ink stains on her face , frowning the whole time and looking very gloomy . i wish africa was dead . she said on a sudden . i was going to remonstrate . i do . she said dont talk to me , miss summerson . i hate it and detest it . its a beast . i told her she was tired , and i was sorry . i put my hand upon her head , and touched her forehead , and said it was hot now but would be cool to morrow . she still stood pouting and frowning at me , but presently put down her egg cup and turned softly towards the bed where ada lay . she is very pretty . she said with the same knitted brow and in the same uncivil manner . i assented with a smile . an orphan . aint she . yes . but knows a quantity , i suppose . can dance , and play music , and sing . she can talk french , i suppose , and do geography , and globes , and needlework , and everything . no doubt , said i . i cant , she returned . i cant do anything hardly , except write . im always writing for ma . i wonder you two were not ashamed of yourselves to come in this afternoon and see me able to do nothing else . it was like your ill nature . yet you think yourselves very fine , i dare say . i could see that the poor girl was near crying , and i resumed my chair without speaking and looked at her as mildly as i felt towards her . its disgraceful , she said . you know it is . the whole house is disgraceful . the children are disgraceful . im disgraceful . pas miserable , and no wonder . priscilla drinks  always drinking . its a great shame and a great story of you if you say you didnt smell her to day . it was as bad as a public house, , waiting at dinner you know it was . my dear , i dont know it , said i . you do , she said very shortly . you shant say you dont . you do . oh , my dear . said i . if you wont let me speak  youre speaking now . you know you are . dont tell stories , miss summerson . my dear , said i , as long as you wont hear me out  i dont want to hear you out . oh , yes , i think you do , said i , because that would be so very unreasonable . i did not know what you tell me because the servant did not come near me at dinner but i dont doubt what you tell me , and i am sorry to hear it . you neednt make a merit of that , said she . no , my dear , said i . that would be very foolish . she was still standing by the bed , and now stooped down but still with the same discontented face and kissed ada . that done , she came softly back and stood by the side of my chair . her bosom was heaving in a distressful manner that i greatly pitied , but i thought it better not to speak . i wish i was dead . she broke out . i wish we were all dead . it would be a great deal better for us . in a moment afterwards , she knelt on the ground at my side , hid her face in my dress , passionately begged my pardon , and wept . i comforted her and would have raised her , but she cried no , she wanted to stay there . you used to teach girls , she said , if you could only have taught me , i could have learnt from you . i am so very miserable , and i like you so much . i could not persuade her to sit by me or to do anything but move a ragged stool to where she was kneeling , and take that , and still hold my dress in the same manner . by degrees the poor tired girl fell asleep , and then i contrived to raise her head so that it should rest on my lap , and to cover us both with shawls . the fire went out , and all night long she slumbered thus before the ashy grate . at first i was painfully awake and vainly tried to lose myself , with my eyes closed , among the scenes of the day . at length , by slow degrees , they became indistinct and mingled . i began to lose the identity of the sleeper resting on me . now it was ada , now one of my old reading friends from whom i could not believe i had so recently parted . now it was the little mad woman worn out with curtsying and smiling , now some one in authority at bleak house . lastly , it was no one , and i was no one . the purblind day was feebly struggling with the fog when i opened my eyes to encounter those of a dirty faced little spectre fixed upon me . peepy had scaled his crib , and crept down in his bed gown and cap , and was so cold that his teeth were chattering as if he had cut them all . chapter v a morning adventure although the morning was raw , and although the fog still seemed heavy  say seemed , for the windows were so encrusted with dirt that they would have made midsummer sunshine dim  was sufficiently forewarned of the discomfort within doors at that early hour and sufficiently curious about london to think it a good idea on the part of miss jellyby when she proposed that we should go out for a walk . ma wont be down for ever so long , she said , and then its a chance if breakfasts ready for an hour afterwards , they dawdle so . as to pa , he gets what he can and goes to the office . he never has what you would call a regular breakfast . priscilla leaves him out the loaf and some milk , when there is any , overnight . sometimes there isnt any milk , and sometimes the cat drinks it . but im afraid you must be tired , miss summerson , and perhaps you would rather go to bed . i am not at all tired , my dear , said i , and would much prefer to go out . if youre sure you would , returned miss jellyby , ill get my things on . ada said she would go too , and was soon astir . i made a proposal to peepy , in default of being able to do anything better for him , that he should let me wash him and afterwards lay him down on my bed again . to this he submitted with the best grace possible , staring at me during the whole operation as if he never had been , and never could again be , so astonished in his life  very miserable also , certainly , but making no complaint , and going snugly to sleep as soon as it was over . at first i was in two minds about taking such a liberty , but i soon reflected that nobody in the house was likely to notice it . what with the bustle of dispatching peepy and the bustle of getting myself ready and helping ada , i was soon quite in a glow . we found miss jellyby trying to warm herself at the fire in the writing room, , which priscilla was then lighting with a smutty parlour candlestick , throwing the candle in to make it burn better . everything was just as we had left it last night and was evidently intended to remain so . below stairs the dinner cloth had not been taken away , but had been left ready for breakfast . crumbs , dust , and waste paper were all over the house . some pewter pots and a milk can hung on the area railings the door stood open and we met the cook round the corner coming out of a public house, , wiping her mouth . she mentioned , as she passed us , that she had been to see what oclock it was . but before we met the cook , we met richard , who was dancing up and down thavies inn to warm his feet . he was agreeably surprised to see us stirring so soon and said he would gladly share our walk . so he took care of ada , and miss jellyby and i went first . i may mention that miss jellyby had relapsed into her sulky manner and that i really should not have thought she liked me much unless she had told me so . where would you wish to go . she asked . anywhere , my dear , i replied . anywheres nowhere , said miss jellyby , stopping perversely . let us go somewhere at any rate , said i . she then walked me on very fast . i dont care . she said . now , you are my witness , miss summerson , i say i dont care  if he was to come to our house with his great , shining , lumpy forehead night after night till he was as old as methuselah , i wouldnt have anything to say to him . such asses as he and ma make of themselves . my dear . i remonstrated , in allusion to the epithet and the vigorous emphasis miss jellyby set upon it . your duty as a child  oh . dont talk of duty as a child , miss summerson wheres mas duty as a parent . all made over to the public and africa , i suppose . then let the public and africa show duty as a child its much more their affair than mine . you are shocked , i dare say . very well , so am i shocked too so we are both shocked , and theres an end of it . she walked me on faster yet . but for all that , i say again , he may come , and come , and come , and i wont have anything to say to him . i cant bear him . if theres any stuff in the world that i hate and detest , its the stuff he and ma talk . i wonder the very paving stones opposite our house can have the patience to stay there and be a witness of such inconsistencies and contradictions as all that sounding nonsense , and mas management . i could not but understand her to refer to mr . quale , the young gentleman who had appeared after dinner yesterday . i was saved the disagreeable necessity of pursuing the subject by richard and ada coming up at a round pace , laughing and asking us if we meant to run a race . thus interrupted , miss jellyby became silent and walked moodily on at my side while i admired the long successions and varieties of streets , the quantity of people already going to and fro , the number of vehicles passing and repassing , the busy preparations in the setting forth of shop windows and the sweeping out of shops , and the extraordinary creatures in rags secretly groping among the swept out rubbish for pins and other refuse . so , cousin , said the cheerful voice of richard to ada behind me . we are never to get out of chancery . we have come by another way to our place of meeting yesterday , and  the great seal , heres the old lady again . truly , there she was , immediately in front of us , curtsying , and smiling , and saying with her yesterdays air of patronage , the wards in jarndyce . ve ry happy , i am sure . you are out early , maam , said i as she curtsied to me . ye es . i usually walk here early . before the court sits . its retired . i collect my thoughts here for the business of the day , said the old lady mincingly . the business of the day requires a great deal of thought . chancery justice is so ve ry difficult to follow . whos this , miss summerson . whispered miss jellyby , drawing my arm tighter through her own . the little old ladys hearing was remarkably quick . she answered for herself directly . a suitor , my child . at your service . i have the honour to attend court regularly . with my documents . have i the pleasure of addressing another of the youthful parties in jarndyce . said the old lady , recovering herself , with her head on one side , from a very low curtsy . richard , anxious to atone for his thoughtlessness of yesterday , good naturedly explained that miss jellyby was not connected with the suit . ha . said the old lady . she does not expect a judgment . she will still grow old . but not so old . oh , dear , no . this is the garden of lincolns inn . i call it my garden . it is quite a bower in the summer time . where the birds sing melodiously . i pass the greater part of the long vacation here . in contemplation . you find the long vacation exceedingly long , dont you . we said yes , as she seemed to expect us to say so . when the leaves are falling from the trees and there are no more flowers in bloom to make up into nosegays for the lord chancellors court , said the old lady , the vacation is fulfilled and the sixth seal , mentioned in the revelations , again prevails . pray come and see my lodging . it will be a good omen for me . youth , and hope , and beauty are very seldom there . it is a long , time since i had a visit from either . she had taken my hand , and leading me and miss jellyby away , beckoned richard and ada to come too . i did not know how to excuse myself and looked to richard for aid . as he was half amused and half curious and all in doubt how to get rid of the old lady without offence , she continued to lead us away , and he and ada continued to follow , our strange conductress informing us all the time , with much smiling condescension , that she lived close by . it was quite true , as it soon appeared . she lived so close by that we had not time to have done humouring her for a few moments before she was at home . slipping us out at a little side gate , the old lady stopped most unexpectedly in a narrow back street , part of some courts and lanes immediately outside the wall of the inn , and said , this is my lodging . pray walk up . she had stopped at a shop over which was written krook , rag and bottle warehouse . also , in long thin letters , krook , dealer in marine stores . in one part of the window was a picture of a red paper mill at which a cart was unloading a quantity of sacks of old rags . in another was the inscription bones bought . in another , kitchen stuff bought . in another , old iron bought . in another , waste paper bought . in another , ladies and gentlemens wardrobes bought . everything seemed to be bought and nothing to be sold there . in all parts of the window were quantities of dirty bottles  medicine bottles , ginger beer and soda water bottles , pickle bottles , wine bottles , ink bottles i am reminded by mentioning the latter that the shop had in several little particulars the air of being in a legal neighbourhood and of being , as it were , a dirty hanger on and disowned relation of the law . there were a great many ink bottles . there was a little tottering bench of shabby old volumes outside the door , labelled law books , all at d . some of the inscriptions i have enumerated were written in law hand, , like the papers i had seen in kenge and carboys office and the letters i had so long received from the firm . among them was one , in the same writing , having nothing to do with the business of the shop , but announcing that a respectable man aged forty five wanted engrossing or copying to execute with neatness and dispatch address to nemo , care of mr . krook , within . there were several second hand bags , blue and red , hanging up . a little way within the shop door lay heaps of old crackled parchment scrolls and discoloured and dogs eared law papers . i could have fancied that all the rusty keys , of which there must have been hundreds huddled together as old iron , had once belonged to doors of rooms or strong chests in lawyers offices . the litter of rags tumbled partly into and partly out of a one legged wooden scale , hanging without any counterpoise from a beam , might have been counsellors bands and gowns torn up . one had only to fancy , as richard whispered to ada and me while we all stood looking in , that yonder bones in a corner , piled together and picked very clean , were the bones of clients , to make the picture complete . as it was still foggy and dark , and as the shop was blinded besides by the wall of lincolns inn , intercepting the light within a couple of yards , we should not have seen so much but for a lighted lantern that an old man in spectacles and a hairy cap was carrying about in the shop . turning towards the door , he now caught sight of us . he was short , cadaverous , and withered , with his head sunk sideways between his shoulders and the breath issuing in visible smoke from his mouth as if he were on fire within . his throat , chin , and eyebrows were so frosted with white hairs and so gnarled with veins and puckered skin that he looked from his breast upward like some old root in a fall of snow . hi , . said the old man , coming to the door . have you anything to sell . we naturally drew back and glanced at our conductress , who had been trying to open the house door with a key she had taken from her pocket , and to whom richard now said that as we had the pleasure of seeing where she lived , we would leave her , being pressed for time . but she was not to be so easily left . she became so fantastically and pressingly earnest in her entreaties that we would walk up and see her apartment for an instant , and was so bent , in her harmless way , on leading me in , as part of the good omen she desired , that i saw nothing for it but to comply . i suppose we were all more or less curious at any rate , when the old man added his persuasions to hers and said , aye , . please her . it wont take a minute . come in , come in . come in through the shop if tother doors out of order . we all went in , stimulated by richards laughing encouragement and relying on his protection . my landlord , krook , said the little old lady , condescending to him from her lofty station as she presented him to us . he is called among the neighbours the lord chancellor . his shop is called the court of chancery . he is a very eccentric person . he is very odd . oh , i assure you he is very odd . she shook her head a great many times and tapped her forehead with her finger to express to us that we must have the goodness to excuse him , for he is a little  know  . said the old lady with great stateliness . the old man overheard , and laughed . its true enough , he said , going before us with the lantern , that they call me the lord chancellor and call my shop chancery . and why do you think they call me the lord chancellor and my shop chancery . i dont know , i am sure . said richard rather carelessly . you see , said the old man , stopping and turning round , they  . heres lovely hair . i have got three sacks of ladies hair below , but none so beautiful and fine as this . what colour , and what texture . thatll do , my good friend . said richard , strongly disapproving of his having drawn one of adas tresses through his yellow hand . you can admire as the rest of us do without taking that liberty . the old man darted at him a sudden look which even called my attention from ada , who , startled and blushing , was so remarkably beautiful that she seemed to fix the wandering attention of the little old lady herself . but as ada interposed and laughingly said she could only feel proud of such genuine admiration , mr . krook shrunk into his former self as suddenly as he had leaped out of it . you see , i have so many things here , he resumed , holding up the lantern , of so many kinds , and all as the neighbours think but they know nothing , wasting away and going to rack and ruin , that thats why they have given me and my place a christening . and i have so many old parchmentses and papers in my stock . and i have a liking for rust and must and cobwebs . and alls fish that comes to my net . and i cant abear to part with anything i once lay hold of or so my neighbours think , but what do they know . or to alter anything , or to have any sweeping , nor scouring , nor cleaning , nor repairing going on about me . thats the way ive got the ill name of chancery . i dont mind . i go to see my noble and learned brother pretty well every day , when he sits in the inn . he dont notice me , but i notice him . theres no great odds betwixt us . we both grub on in a muddle . hi , lady jane . a large grey cat leaped from some neighbouring shelf on his shoulder and startled us all . hi . show em how you scratch . hi . tear , my lady . said her master . the cat leaped down and ripped at a bundle of rags with her tigerish claws , with a sound that it set my teeth on edge to hear . shed do as much for any one i was to set her on , said the old man . i deal in cat skins among other general matters , and hers was offered to me . its a very fine skin , as you may see , but i didnt have it stripped off . that warnt like chancery practice though , says you . he had by this time led us across the shop , and now opened a door in the back part of it , leading to the house entry . as he stood with his hand upon the lock , the little old lady graciously observed to him before passing out , that will do , krook . you mean well , but are tiresome . my young friends are pressed for time . i have none to spare myself , having to attend court very soon . my young friends are the wards in jarndyce . jarndyce . said the old man with a start . jarndyce and jarndyce . the great suit , krook , returned his lodger . hi . exclaimed the old man in a tone of thoughtful amazement and with a wider stare than before . think of it . he seemed so rapt all in a moment and looked so curiously at us that richard said , why , you appear to trouble yourself a good deal about the causes before your noble and learned brother , the other chancellor . yes , said the old man abstractedly . sure . your name now will be  richard carstone . carstone , he repeated , slowly checking off that name upon his forefinger and each of the others he went on to mention upon a separate finger . yes . there was the name of barbary , and the name of clare , and the name of dedlock , too , i think . he knows as much of the cause as the real salaried chancellor . said richard , quite astonished , to ada and me . aye . said the old man , coming slowly out of his abstraction . yes . tom jarndyce  excuse me , being related but he was never known about court by any other name , and was as well known there as  is now , nodding slightly at his lodger . tom jarndyce was often in here . he got into a restless habit of strolling about when the cause was on , or expected , talking to the little shopkeepers and telling em to keep out of chancery , whatever they did . for , says he , its being ground to bits in a slow mill its being roasted at a slow fire its being stung to death by single bees its being drowned by drops its going mad by grains . he was as near making away with himself , just where the young lady stands , as near could be . we listened with horror . he come in at the door , said the old man , slowly pointing an imaginary track along the shop , on the day he did it  whole neighbourhood had said for months before that he would do it , of a certainty sooner or later  come in at the door that day , and walked along there , and sat himself on a bench that stood there , and asked me to fetch him a pint of wine . for , says he , krook , i am much depressed my cause is on again , and i think im nearer judgment than i ever was . i hadnt a mind to leave him alone and i persuaded him to go to the tavern over the way there , tother side my lane i mean chancery lane and i followed and looked in at the window , and saw him , comfortable as i thought , in the arm chair by the fire , and company with him . i hadnt hardly got back here when i heard a shot go echoing and rattling right away into the inn . i ran out  ran out  of us cried at once , tom jarndyce . the old man stopped , looked hard at us , looked down into the lantern , blew the light out , and shut the lantern up . we were right , i neednt tell the present hearers . hi . to be sure , how the neighbourhood poured into court that afternoon while the cause was on . how my noble and learned brother , and all the rest of em , grubbed and muddled away as usual and tried to look as if they hadnt heard a word of the last fact in the case or as if they had  , dear me . at all to do with it if they had heard of it by any chance . adas colour had entirely left her , and richard was scarcely less pale . nor could i wonder , judging even from my emotions , and i was no party in the suit , that to hearts so untried and fresh it was a shock to come into the inheritance of a protracted misery , attended in the minds of many people with such dreadful recollections . i had another uneasiness , in the application of the painful story to the poor half witted creature who had brought us there but , to my surprise , she seemed perfectly unconscious of that and only led the way upstairs again , informing us with the toleration of a superior creature for the infirmities of a common mortal that her landlord was a little m , you know . she lived at the top of the house , in a pretty large room , from which she had a glimpse of lincolns inn hall . this seemed to have been her principal inducement , originally , for taking up her residence there . she could look at it , she said , in the night , especially in the moonshine . her room was clean , but very , bare . i noticed the scantiest necessaries in the way of furniture a few old prints from books , of chancellors and barristers , wafered against the wall and some half dozen reticles and work bags, , containing documents , as she informed us . there were neither coals nor ashes in the grate , and i saw no articles of clothing anywhere , nor any kind of food . upon a shelf in an open cupboard were a plate or two , a cup or two , and so forth , but all dry and empty . there was a more affecting meaning in her pinched appearance , i thought as i looked round , than i had understood before . extremely honoured , i am sure , said our poor hostess with the greatest suavity , by this visit from the wards in jarndyce . and very much indebted for the omen . it is a retired situation . considering . i am limited as to situation . in consequence of the necessity of attending on the chancellor . i have lived here many years . i pass my days in court , my evenings and my nights here . i find the nights long , for i sleep but little and think much . that is , of course , unavoidable , being in chancery . i am sorry i cannot offer chocolate . i expect a judgment shortly and shall then place my establishment on a superior footing . at present , i dont mind confessing to the wards in jarndyce that i sometimes find it difficult to keep up a genteel appearance . i have felt the cold here . i have felt something sharper than cold . it matters very little . pray excuse the introduction of such mean topics . she partly drew aside the curtain of the long , low garret window and called our attention to a number of bird cages hanging there , some containing several birds . there were larks , linnets , and goldfinches  should think at least twenty . i began to keep the little creatures , she said , with an object that the wards will readily comprehend . with the intention of restoring them to liberty . when my judgment should be given . ye es . they die in prison , though . their lives , poor silly things , are so short in comparison with chancery proceedings that , one by one , the whole collection has died over and over again . i doubt , do you know , whether one of these , though they are all young , will live to be free . ve ry mortifying , is it not . although she sometimes asked a question , she never seemed to expect a reply , but rambled on as if she were in the habit of doing so when no one but herself was present . indeed , she pursued , i positively doubt sometimes , i do assure you , whether while matters are still unsettled , and the sixth or great seal still prevails , i may not one day be found lying stark and senseless here , as i have found so many birds . richard , answering what he saw in adas compassionate eyes , took the opportunity of laying some money , softly and unobserved , on the chimney piece . we all drew nearer to the cages , feigning to examine the birds . i cant allow them to sing much , said the little old lady , for i find my mind confused by the idea that they are singing while i am following the arguments in court . and my mind requires to be so very clear , you know . another time , ill tell you their names . not at present . on a day of such good omen , they shall sing as much as they like . in honour of youth , a smile and curtsy , hope , a smile and curtsy , and beauty , a smile and curtsy . there . well let in the full light . the birds began to stir and chirp . i cannot admit the air freely , said the little old lady  room was close , and would have been the better for it  the cat you saw downstairs , called lady jane , is greedy for their lives . she crouches on the parapet outside for hours and hours . i have discovered , whispering mysteriously , that her natural cruelty is sharpened by a jealous fear of their regaining their liberty . in consequence of the judgment i expect being shortly given . she is sly and full of malice . i half believe , sometimes , that she is no cat , but the wolf of the old saying . it is so very difficult to keep her from the door . some neighbouring bells , reminding the poor soul that it was half past nine , did more for us in the way of bringing our visit to an end than we could easily have done for ourselves . she hurriedly took up her little bag of documents , which she had laid upon the table on coming in , and asked if we were also going into court . on our answering no , and that we would on no account detain her , she opened the door to attend us downstairs . with such an omen , it is even more necessary than usual that i should be there before the chancellor comes in , said she , for he might mention my case the first thing . i have a presentiment that he will mention it the first thing this morning . she stopped to tell us in a whisper as we were going down that the whole house was filled with strange lumber which her landlord had bought piecemeal and had no wish to sell , in consequence of being a little m . this was on the first floor . but she had made a previous stoppage on the second floor and had silently pointed at a dark door there . the only other lodger , she now whispered in explanation , a law writer . the children in the lanes here say he has sold himself to the devil . i dont know what he can have done with the money . hush . she appeared to mistrust that the lodger might hear her even there , and repeating hush . went before us on tiptoe as though even the sound of her footsteps might reveal to him what she had said . passing through the shop on our way out , as we had passed through it on our way in , we found the old man storing a quantity of packets of waste paper in a kind of well in the floor . he seemed to be working hard , with the perspiration standing on his forehead , and had a piece of chalk by him , with which , as he put each separate package or bundle down , he made a crooked mark on the panelling of the wall . richard and ada , and miss jellyby , and the little old lady had gone by him , and i was going when he touched me on the arm to stay me , and chalked the letter j upon the wall  a very curious manner , beginning with the end of the letter and shaping it backward . it was a capital letter , not a printed one , but just such a letter as any clerk in messrs . kenge and carboys office would have made . can you read it . he asked me with a keen glance . surely , said i . its very plain . what is it . j . with another glance at me , and a glance at the door , he rubbed it out and turned an a in its place and said , whats that . i told him . he then rubbed that out and turned the letter r , and asked me the same question . he went on quickly until he had formed in the same curious manner , beginning at the ends and bottoms of the letters , the word jarndyce , without once leaving two letters on the wall together . what does that spell . he asked me . when i told him , he laughed . in the same odd way , yet with the same rapidity , he then produced singly , and rubbed out singly , the letters forming the words bleak house . these , in some astonishment , i also read and he laughed again . hi . said the old man , laying aside the chalk . i have a turn for copying from memory , you see , miss , though i can neither read nor write . he looked so disagreeable and his cat looked so wickedly at me , as if i were a blood relation of the birds upstairs , that i was quite relieved by richards appearing at the door and saying , miss summerson , i hope you are not bargaining for the sale of your hair . dont be tempted . three sacks below are quite enough for mr . krook . i lost no time in wishing mr . krook good morning and joining my friends outside , where we parted with the little old lady , who gave us her blessing with great ceremony and renewed her assurance of yesterday in reference to her intention of settling estates on ada and me . before we finally turned out of those lanes , we looked back and saw mr . krook standing at his shop door, , in his spectacles , looking after us , with his cat upon his shoulder , and her tail sticking up on one side of his hairy cap like a tall feather . quite an adventure for a morning in london . said richard with a sigh . ah , cousin , its a weary word this chancery . it is to me , and has been ever since i can remember , returned ada . i am grieved that i should be the enemy  i suppose i am  a great number of relations and others , and that they should be my enemies  i suppose they are  that we should all be ruining one another without knowing how or why and be in constant doubt and discord all our lives . it seems very strange , as there must be right somewhere , that an honest judge in real earnest has not been able to find out through all these years where it is . ah , cousin . said richard . strange , indeed . all this wasteful , wanton chess playing is very strange . to see that composed court yesterday jogging on so serenely and to think of the wretchedness of the pieces on the board gave me the headache and the heartache both together . my head ached with wondering how it happened , if men were neither fools nor rascals and my heart ached to think they could possibly be either . but at all events , ada  may call you ada . of course you may , cousin richard . at all events , chancery will work none of its bad influences on us . we have happily been brought together , thanks to our good kinsman , and it cant divide us now . never , i hope , cousin richard . said ada gently . miss jellyby gave my arm a squeeze and me a very significant look . i smiled in return , and we made the rest of the way back very pleasantly . in half an hour after our arrival , mrs . jellyby appeared and in the course of an hour the various things necessary for breakfast straggled one by one into the dining room . i do not doubt that mrs . jellyby had gone to bed and got up in the usual manner , but she presented no appearance of having changed her dress . she was greatly occupied during breakfast , for the mornings post brought a heavy correspondence relative to borrioboola gha, , which would occasion her to pass a busy day . the children tumbled about , and notched memoranda of their accidents in their legs , which were perfect little calendars of distress and peepy was lost for an hour and a half , and brought home from newgate market by a policeman . the equable manner in which mrs . jellyby sustained both his absence and his restoration to the family circle surprised us all . she was by that time perseveringly dictating to caddy , and caddy was fast relapsing into the inky condition in which we had found her . at one oclock an open carriage arrived for us , and a cart for our luggage . mrs . jellyby charged us with many remembrances to her good friend mr . jarndyce caddy left her desk to see us depart , kissed me in the passage , and stood biting her pen and sobbing on the steps peepy , i am happy to say , was asleep and spared the pain of separation i was not without misgivings that he had gone to newgate market in search of me and all the other children got up behind the barouche and fell off , and we saw them , with great concern , scattered over the surface of thavies inn as we rolled out of its precincts . chapter vi quite at home the day had brightened very much , and still brightened as we went westward . we went our way through the sunshine and the fresh air , wondering more and more at the extent of the streets , the brilliancy of the shops , the great traffic , and the crowds of people whom the pleasanter weather seemed to have brought out like many coloured flowers . by and by we began to leave the wonderful city and to proceed through suburbs which , of themselves , would have made a pretty large town in my eyes and at last we got into a real country road again , with windmills , rick yards, , milestones , farmers waggons , scents of old hay , swinging signs , and horse troughs trees , fields , and hedge rows . it was delightful to see the green landscape before us and the immense metropolis behind and when a waggon with a train of beautiful horses , furnished with red trappings and clear sounding bells , came by us with its music , i believe we could all three have sung to the bells , so cheerful were the influences around . the whole road has been reminding me of my namesake whittington , said richard , and that waggon is the finishing touch . halloa . whats the matter . we had stopped , and the waggon had stopped too . its music changed as the horses came to a stand , and subsided to a gentle tinkling , except when a horse tossed his head or shook himself and sprinkled off a little shower of bell ringing . our postilion is looking after the waggoner , said richard , and the waggoner is coming back after us . good day , friend . the waggoner was at our coach door . why , heres an extraordinary thing . added richard , looking closely at the man . he has got your name , ada , in his hat . he had all our names in his hat . tucked within the band were three small notes  addressed to ada , one to richard , one to me . these the waggoner delivered to each of us respectively , reading the name aloud first . in answer to richards inquiry from whom they came , he briefly answered , master , sir , if you please and putting on his hat again cracked his whip , re awakened his music , and went melodiously away . is that mr . jarndyces waggon . said richard , calling to our post boy . yes , sir , he replied . going to london . we opened the notes . each was a counterpart of the other and contained these words in a solid , plain hand . i look forward , my dear , to our meeting easily and without constraint on either side . i therefore have to propose that we meet as old friends and take the past for granted . it will be a relief to you possibly , and to me certainly , and so my love to you . john jarndyce i had perhaps less reason to be surprised than either of my companions , having never yet enjoyed an opportunity of thanking one who had been my benefactor and sole earthly dependence through so many years . i had not considered how i could thank him , my gratitude lying too deep in my heart for that but i now began to consider how i could meet him without thanking him , and felt it would be very difficult indeed . the notes revived in richard and ada a general impression that they both had , without quite knowing how they came by it , that their cousin jarndyce could never bear acknowledgments for any kindness he performed and that sooner than receive any he would resort to the most singular expedients and evasions or would even run away . ada dimly remembered to have heard her mother tell , when she was a very little child , that he had once done her an act of uncommon generosity and that on her going to his house to thank him , he happened to see her through a window coming to the door , and immediately escaped by the back gate , and was not heard of for three months . this discourse led to a great deal more on the same theme , and indeed it lasted us all day , and we talked of scarcely anything else . if we did by any chance diverge into another subject , we soon returned to this , and wondered what the house would be like , and when we should get there , and whether we should see mr . jarndyce as soon as we arrived or after a delay , and what he would say to us , and what we should say to him . all of which we wondered about , over and over again . the roads were very heavy for the horses , but the pathway was generally good , so we alighted and walked up all the hills , and liked it so well that we prolonged our walk on the level ground when we got to the top . at barnet there were other horses waiting for us , but as they had only just been fed , we had to wait for them too , and got a long fresh walk over a common and an old battle field before the carriage came up . these delays so protracted the journey that the short day was spent and the long night had closed in before we came to st . albans , near to which town bleak house was , we knew . by that time we were so anxious and nervous that even richard confessed , as we rattled over the stones of the old street , to feeling an irrational desire to drive back again . as to ada and me , whom he had wrapped up with great care , the night being sharp and frosty , we trembled from head to foot . when we turned out of the town , round a corner , and richard told us that the post boy, , who had for a long time sympathized with our heightened expectation , was looking back and nodding , we both stood up in the carriage richard holding ada lest she should be jolted down and gazed round upon the open country and the starlight night for our destination . there was a light sparkling on the top of a hill before us , and the driver , pointing to it with his whip and crying , thats bleak house . put his horses into a canter and took us forward at such a rate , uphill though it was , that the wheels sent the road drift flying about our heads like spray from a water mill . presently we lost the light , presently saw it , presently lost it , presently saw it , and turned into an avenue of trees and cantered up towards where it was beaming brightly . it was in a window of what seemed to be an old fashioned house with three peaks in the roof in front and a circular sweep leading to the porch . a bell was rung as we drew up , and amidst the sound of its deep voice in the still air , and the distant barking of some dogs , and a gush of light from the opened door , and the smoking and steaming of the heated horses , and the quickened beating of our own hearts , we alighted in no inconsiderable confusion . ada , my love , esther , my dear , you are welcome . i rejoice to see you . rick , if i had a hand to spare at present , i would give it you . the gentleman who said these words in a clear , bright , hospitable voice had one of his arms round adas waist and the other round mine , and kissed us both in a fatherly way , and bore us across the hall into a ruddy little room , all in a glow with a blazing fire . here he kissed us again , and opening his arms , made us sit down side by side on a sofa ready drawn out near the hearth . i felt that if we had been at all demonstrative , he would have run away in a moment . now , rick . said he . i have a hand at liberty . a word in earnest is as good as a speech . i am heartily glad to see you . you are at home . warm yourself . richard shook him by both hands with an intuitive mixture of respect and frankness , and only saying though with an earnestness that rather alarmed me , i was so afraid of mr . jarndyces suddenly disappearing , you are very kind , sir . we are very much obliged to you . laid aside his hat and coat and came up to the fire . and how did you like the ride . and how did you like mrs . jellyby , my dear . said mr . jarndyce to ada . while ada was speaking to him in reply , i glanced i need not say with how much interest at his face . it was a handsome , lively , quick face , full of change and motion and his hair was a silvered iron grey . i took him to be nearer sixty than fifty , but he was upright , hearty , and robust . from the moment of his first speaking to us his voice had connected itself with an association in my mind that i could not define but now , all at once , a something sudden in his manner and a pleasant expression in his eyes recalled the gentleman in the stagecoach six years ago on the memorable day of my journey to reading . i was certain it was he . i never was so frightened in my life as when i made the discovery , for he caught my glance , and appearing to read my thoughts , gave such a look at the door that i thought we had lost him . however , i am happy to say he remained where he was , and asked me what i thought of mrs . jellyby . she exerts herself very much for africa , sir , i said . nobly . returned mr . jarndyce . but you answer like ada . whom i had not heard . you all think something else , i see . we rather thought , said i , glancing at richard and ada , who entreated me with their eyes to speak , that perhaps she was a little unmindful of her home . floored . cried mr . jarndyce . i was rather alarmed again . well . i want to know your real thoughts , my dear . i may have sent you there on purpose . we thought that , perhaps , said i , hesitating , it is right to begin with the obligations of home , sir and that , perhaps , while those are overlooked and neglected , no other duties can possibly be substituted for them . the little jellybys , said richard , coming to my relief , are really  cant help expressing myself strongly , sir  a devil of a state . she means well , said mr . jarndyce hastily . the winds in the east . it was in the north , sir , as we came down , observed richard . my dear rick , said mr . jarndyce , poking the fire , ill take an oath its either in the east or going to be . i am always conscious of an uncomfortable sensation now and then when the wind is blowing in the east . rheumatism , sir . said richard . i dare say it is , rick . i believe it is . and so the little jell  had my doubts about em  in a  , lord , yes , its easterly . said mr . jarndyce . he had taken two or three undecided turns up and down while uttering these broken sentences , retaining the poker in one hand and rubbing his hair with the other , with a good natured vexation at once so whimsical and so lovable that i am sure we were more delighted with him than we could possibly have expressed in any words . he gave an arm to ada and an arm to me , and bidding richard bring a candle , was leading the way out when he suddenly turned us all back again . those little jellybys . couldnt you  if it had rained sugar plums, , or three cornered raspberry tarts , or anything of that sort . said mr . jarndyce . oh , cousin  ada hastily began . good , my pretty pet . i like cousin . cousin john , perhaps , is better . then , cousin john  ada laughingly began again . ha , . very good indeed . said mr . jarndyce with great enjoyment . sounds uncommonly natural . yes , my dear . it did better than that . it rained esther . aye . said mr . jarndyce . what did esther do . why , cousin john , said ada , clasping her hands upon his arm and shaking her head at me across him  i wanted her to be quiet  was their friend directly . esther nursed them , coaxed them to sleep , washed and dressed them , told them stories , kept them quiet , bought them keepsakes  dear girl . i had only gone out with peepy after he was found and given him a little , tiny horse . cousin john , she softened poor caroline , the eldest one , so much and was so thoughtful for me and so amiable . no , i wont be contradicted , esther dear . you know , you know , its true . the warm hearted darling leaned across her cousin john and kissed me , and then looking up in his face , boldly said , at all events , cousin john , i will thank you for the companion you have given me . i felt as if she challenged him to run away . but he didnt . where did you say the wind was , rick . asked mr . jarndyce . in the north as we came down , sir . you are right . theres no east in it . a mistake of mine . come , girls , come and see your home . it was one of those delightfully irregular houses where you go up and down steps out of one room into another , and where you come upon more rooms when you think you have seen all there are , and where there is a bountiful provision of little halls and passages , and where you find still older cottage rooms in unexpected places with lattice windows and green growth pressing through them . mine , which we entered first , was of this kind , with an up and roof that had more corners in it than i ever counted afterwards and a chimney paved all around with pure white tiles , in every one of which a bright miniature of the fire was blazing . out of this room , you went down two steps into a charming little sitting room looking down upon a flower garden, , which room was henceforth to belong to ada and me . out of this you went up three steps into adas bedroom , which had a fine broad window commanding a beautiful view we saw a great expanse of darkness lying underneath the stars , to which there was a hollow window seat, , in which , with a spring lock, , three dear adas might have been lost at once . out of this room you passed into a little gallery , with which the other best rooms communicated , and so , by a little staircase of shallow steps with a number of corner stairs in it , considering its length , down into the hall . but if instead of going out at adas door you came back into my room , and went out at the door by which you had entered it , and turned up a few crooked steps that branched off in an unexpected manner from the stairs , you lost yourself in passages , with mangles in them , and three cornered tables , and a native hindu chair , which was also a sofa , a box , and a bedstead , and looked in every form something between a bamboo skeleton and a great bird cage, , and had been brought from india nobody knew by whom or when . from these you came on richards room , which was part library , part sitting room, , part bedroom , and seemed indeed a comfortable compound of many rooms . out of that you went straight , with a little interval of passage , to the plain room where mr . jarndyce slept , all the year round , with his window open , his bedstead without any furniture standing in the middle of the floor for more air , and his cold bath gaping for him in a smaller room adjoining . out of that you came into another passage , where there were back stairs and where you could hear the horses being rubbed down outside the stable and being told to hold up and get over , as they slipped about very much on the uneven stones . or you might , if you came out at another door every room had at least two doors , go straight down to the hall again by half a steps and a low archway , wondering how you got back there or had ever got out of it . the furniture , old fashioned rather than old , like the house , was as pleasantly irregular . adas sleeping room was all flowers  chintz and paper , in velvet , in needlework , in the brocade of two stiff courtly chairs which stood , each attended by a little page of a stool for greater state , on either side of the fire place . our sitting room was green and had framed and glazed upon the walls numbers of surprising and surprised birds , staring out of pictures at a real trout in a case , as brown and shining as if it had been served with gravy at the death of captain cook and at the whole process of preparing tea in china , as depicted by chinese artists . in my room there were oval engravings of the months  haymaking in short waists and large hats tied under the chin , for june smooth legged noblemen pointing with cocked hats to village steeples , for october . half length portraits in crayons abounded all through the house , but were so dispersed that i found the brother of a youthful officer of mine in the china closet and the grey old age of my pretty young bride , with a flower in her bodice , in the breakfast room . as substitutes , i had four angels , of queen annes reign , taking a complacent gentleman to heaven , in festoons , with some difficulty and a composition in needlework representing fruit , a kettle , and an alphabet . all the movables , from the wardrobes to the chairs and tables , hangings , glasses , even to the pincushions and scent bottles on the dressing tables, , displayed the same quaint variety . they agreed in nothing but their perfect neatness , their display of the whitest linen , and their storing up, , wheresoever the existence of a drawer , small or large , rendered it possible , of quantities of rose leaves and sweet lavender . such , with its illuminated windows , softened here and there by shadows of curtains , shining out upon the starlight night with its light , and warmth , and comfort with its hospitable jingle , at a distance , of preparations for dinner with the face of its generous master brightening everything we saw and just wind enough without to sound a low accompaniment to everything we heard , were our first impressions of bleak house . i am glad you like it , said mr . jarndyce when he had brought us round again to adas sitting room . it makes no pretensions , but it is a comfortable little place , i hope , and will be more so with such bright young looks in it . you have barely half an hour before dinner . theres no one here but the finest creature upon earth  child . more children , esther . said ada . i dont mean literally a child , pursued mr . jarndyce not a child in years . he is grown up  is at least as old as i am  in simplicity , and freshness , and enthusiasm , and a fine guileless inaptitude for all worldly affairs , he is a perfect child . we felt that he must be very interesting . he knows mrs . jellyby , said mr . jarndyce . he is a musical man , an amateur , but might have been a professional . he is an artist too , an amateur , but might have been a professional . he is a man of attainments and of captivating manners . he has been unfortunate in his affairs , and unfortunate in his pursuits , and unfortunate in his family but he dont care  a child . did you imply that he has children of his own , sir . inquired richard . yes , rick . half a . more . nearer a dozen , i should think . but he has never looked after them . how could he . he wanted somebody to look after him . he is a child , you know . said mr . jarndyce . and have the children looked after themselves at all , sir . inquired richard . why , just as you may suppose , said mr . jarndyce , his countenance suddenly falling . it is said that the children of the very poor are not brought up , but dragged up . harold skimpoles children have tumbled up somehow or other . the winds getting round again , i am afraid . i feel it rather . richard observed that the situation was exposed on a sharp night . it is exposed , said mr . jarndyce . no doubt thats the cause . bleak house has an exposed sound . but you are coming my way . come along . our luggage having arrived and being all at hand , i was dressed in a few minutes and engaged in putting my worldly goods away when a maid not the one in attendance upon ada , but another , whom i had not seen brought a basket into my room with two bunches of keys in it , all labelled . for you , miss , if you please , said she . for me . said i . the housekeeping keys , miss . i showed my surprise , for she added with some little surprise on her own part , i was told to bring them as soon as you was alone , miss . miss summerson , if i dont deceive myself . yes , said i . that is my name . the large bunch is the housekeeping , and the little bunch is the cellars , miss . any time you was pleased to appoint to morrow morning , i was to show you the presses and things they belong to . i said i would be ready at half past six , and after she was gone , stood looking at the basket , quite lost in the magnitude of my trust . ada found me thus and had such a delightful confidence in me when i showed her the keys and told her about them that it would have been insensibility and ingratitude not to feel encouraged . i knew , to be sure , that it was the dear girls kindness , but i liked to be so pleasantly cheated . when we went downstairs , we were presented to mr . skimpole , who was standing before the fire telling richard how fond he used to be , in his school time, , of football . he was a little bright creature with a rather large head , but a delicate face and a sweet voice , and there was a perfect charm in him . all he said was so free from effort and spontaneous and was said with such a captivating gaiety that it was fascinating to hear him talk . being of a more slender figure than mr . jarndyce and having a richer complexion , with browner hair , he looked younger . indeed , he had more the appearance in all respects of a damaged young man than a well preserved elderly one . there was an easy negligence in his manner and even in his dress his hair carelessly disposed , and his neck kerchief loose and flowing , as i have seen artists paint their own portraits which i could not separate from the idea of a romantic youth who had undergone some unique process of depreciation . it struck me as being not at all like the manner or appearance of a man who had advanced in life by the usual road of years , cares , and experiences . i gathered from the conversation that mr . skimpole had been educated for the medical profession and had once lived , in his professional capacity , in the household of a german prince . he told us , however , that as he had always been a mere child in point of weights and measures and had never known anything about them except that they disgusted him , he had never been able to prescribe with the requisite accuracy of detail . in fact , he said , he had no head for detail . and he told us , with great humour , that when he was wanted to bleed the prince or physic any of his people , he was generally found lying on his back in bed , reading the newspapers or making fancy sketches in pencil , and couldnt come . the prince , at last , objecting to this , in which , said mr . skimpole , in the frankest manner , he was perfectly right , the engagement terminated , and mr . skimpole having nothing to live upon but love , fell in love , and married , and surrounded himself with rosy cheeks . his good friend jarndyce and some other of his good friends then helped him , in quicker or slower succession , to several openings in life , but to no purpose , for he must confess to two of the oldest infirmities in the world one was that he had no idea of time , the other that he had no idea of money . in consequence of which he never kept an appointment , never could transact any business , and never knew the value of anything . well . so he had got on in life , and here he was . he was very fond of reading the papers , very fond of making fancy sketches with a pencil , very fond of nature , very fond of art . all he asked of society was to let him live . that wasnt much . his wants were few . give him the papers , conversation , music , mutton , coffee , landscape , fruit in the season , a few sheets of bristol board, , and a little claret , and he asked no more . he was a mere child in the world , but he didnt cry for the moon . he said to the world , go your several ways in peace . wear red coats , blue coats , lawn sleeves put pens behind your ears , wear aprons go after glory , holiness , commerce , trade , any object you prefer only  harold skimpole live . all this and a great deal more he told us , not only with the utmost brilliancy and enjoyment , but with a certain vivacious candour  of himself as if he were not at all his own affair , as if skimpole were a third person , as if he knew that skimpole had his singularities but still had his claims too , which were the general business of the community and must not be slighted . he was quite enchanting . if i felt at all confused at that early time in endeavouring to reconcile anything he said with anything i had thought about the duties and accountabilities of life which i am far from sure of , i was confused by not exactly understanding why he was free of them . that he was free of them , i scarcely doubted he was so very clear about it himself . i covet nothing , said mr . skimpole in the same light way . possession is nothing to me . here is my friend jarndyces excellent house . i feel obliged to him for possessing it . i can sketch it and alter it . i can set it to music . when i am here , i have sufficient possession of it and have neither trouble , cost , nor responsibility . my stewards name , in short , is jarndyce , and he cant cheat me . we have been mentioning mrs . jellyby . there is a bright eyed woman , of a strong will and immense power of business detail , who throws herself into objects with surprising ardour . i dont regret that i have not a strong will and an immense power of business detail to throw myself into objects with surprising ardour . i can admire her without envy . i can sympathize with the objects . i can dream of them . i can lie down on the grass  fine weather  float along an african river , embracing all the natives i meet , as sensible of the deep silence and sketching the dense overhanging tropical growth as accurately as if i were there . i dont know that its of any direct use my doing so , but its all i can do , and i do it thoroughly . then , for heavens sake , having harold skimpole , a confiding child , petitioning you , the world , an agglomeration of practical people of business habits , to let him live and admire the human family , do it somehow or other , like good souls , and suffer him to ride his rocking horse . it was plain enough that mr . jarndyce had not been neglectful of the adjuration . mr . skimpoles general position there would have rendered it so without the addition of what he presently said . its only you , the generous creatures , whom i envy , said mr . skimpole , addressing us , his new friends , in an impersonal manner . i envy you your power of doing what you do . it is what i should revel in myself . i dont feel any vulgar gratitude to you . i almost feel as if you ought to be grateful to me for giving you the opportunity of enjoying the luxury of generosity . i know you like it . for anything i can tell , i may have come into the world expressly for the purpose of increasing your stock of happiness . i may have been born to be a benefactor to you by sometimes giving you an opportunity of assisting me in my little perplexities . why should i regret my incapacity for details and worldly affairs when it leads to such pleasant consequences . i dont regret it therefore . of all his playful speeches playful , yet always fully meaning what they expressed none seemed to be more to the taste of mr . jarndyce than this . i had often new temptations , afterwards , to wonder whether it was really singular , or only singular to me , that he , who was probably the most grateful of mankind upon the least occasion , should so desire to escape the gratitude of others . we were all enchanted . i felt it a merited tribute to the engaging qualities of ada and richard that mr . skimpole , seeing them for the first time , should be so unreserved and should lay himself out to be so exquisitely agreeable . they were naturally pleased , for similar reasons , and considered it no common privilege to be so freely confided in by such an attractive man . the more we listened , the more gaily mr . skimpole talked . and what with his fine hilarious manner and his engaging candour and his genial way of lightly tossing his own weaknesses about , as if he had said , i am a child , you know . you are designing people compared with me he really made me consider myself in that light but i am gay and innocent forget your worldly arts and play with me . the effect was absolutely dazzling . he was so full of feeling too and had such a delicate sentiment for what was beautiful or tender that he could have won a heart by that alone . in the evening , when i was preparing to make tea and ada was touching the piano in the adjoining room and softly humming a tune to her cousin richard , which they had happened to mention , he came and sat down on the sofa near me and so spoke of ada that i almost loved him . she is like the morning , he said . with that golden hair , those blue eyes , and that fresh bloom on her cheek , she is like the summer morning . the birds here will mistake her for it . we will not call such a lovely young creature as that , who is a joy to all mankind , an orphan . she is the child of the universe . mr . jarndyce , i found , was standing near us with his hands behind him and an attentive smile upon his face . the universe , he observed , makes rather an indifferent parent , i am afraid . oh . i dont know . cried mr . skimpole buoyantly . i think i do know , said mr . jarndyce . well . cried mr . skimpole . you know the world which in your sense is the universe , and i know nothing of it , so you shall have your way . but if i had mine , glancing at the cousins , there should be no brambles of sordid realities in such a path as that . it should be strewn with roses it should lie through bowers , where there was no spring , autumn , nor winter , but perpetual summer . age or change should never wither it . the base word money should never be breathed near it . mr . jarndyce patted him on the head with a smile , as if he had been really a child , and passing a step or two on , and stopping a moment , glanced at the young cousins . his look was thoughtful , but had a benignant expression in it which i often saw again , which has long been engraven on my heart . the room in which they were , communicating with that in which he stood , was only lighted by the fire . ada sat at the piano richard stood beside her , bending down . upon the wall , their shadows blended together , surrounded by strange forms , not without a ghostly motion caught from the unsteady fire , though reflecting from motionless objects . ada touched the notes so softly and sang so low that the wind , sighing away to the distant hills , was as audible as the music . the mystery of the future and the little clue afforded to it by the voice of the present seemed expressed in the whole picture . but it is not to recall this fancy , well as i remember it , that i recall the scene . first , i was not quite unconscious of the contrast in respect of meaning and intention between the silent look directed that way and the flow of words that had preceded it . secondly , though mr . jarndyces glance as he withdrew it rested for but a moment on me , i felt as if in that moment he confided to me  knew that he confided to me and that i received the confidence  hope that ada and richard might one day enter on a dearer relationship . mr . skimpole could play on the piano and the violoncello , and he was a composer  composed half an opera once , but got tired of it  played what he composed with taste . after tea we had quite a little concert , in which richard  was enthralled by adas singing and told me that she seemed to know all the songs that ever were written  mr . jarndyce , and i were the audience . after a little while i missed first mr . skimpole and afterwards richard , and while i was thinking how could richard stay away so long and lose so much , the maid who had given me the keys looked in at the door , saying , if you please , miss , could you spare a minute . when i was shut out with her in the hall , she said , holding up her hands , oh , if you please , miss , mr . carstone says would you come upstairs to mr . skimpoles room . he has been took , miss . took . said i . took , miss . sudden , said the maid . i was apprehensive that his illness might be of a dangerous kind , but of course i begged her to be quiet and not disturb any one and collected myself , as i followed her quickly upstairs , sufficiently to consider what were the best remedies to be applied if it should prove to be a fit . she threw open a door and i went into a chamber , where , to my unspeakable surprise , instead of finding mr . skimpole stretched upon the bed or prostrate on the floor , i found him standing before the fire smiling at richard , while richard , with a face of great embarrassment , looked at a person on the sofa , in a white great coat, , with smooth hair upon his head and not much of it , which he was wiping smoother and making less of with a pocket handkerchief . miss summerson , said richard hurriedly , i am glad you are come . you will be able to advise us . our friend mr . skimpole  be alarmed . arrested for debt . and really , my dear miss summerson , said mr . skimpole with his agreeable candour , i never was in a situation in which that excellent sense and quiet habit of method and usefulness , which anybody must observe in you who has the happiness of being a quarter of an hour in your society , was more needed . the person on the sofa , who appeared to have a cold in his head , gave such a very loud snort that he startled me . are you arrested for much , sir . i inquired of mr . skimpole . my dear miss summerson , said he , shaking his head pleasantly , i dont know . some pounds , odd shillings , and halfpence , i think , were mentioned . its twenty four pound , sixteen , and sevenpence hapenny , observed the stranger . thats wot it is . and it sounds  it sounds , said mr . skimpole , like a small sum . the strange man said nothing but made another snort . it was such a powerful one that it seemed quite to lift him out of his seat . mr . skimpole , said richard to me , has a delicacy in applying to my cousin jarndyce because he has lately  think , sir , i understood you that you had lately  oh , yes . returned mr . skimpole , smiling . though i forgot how much it was and when it was . jarndyce would readily do it again , but i have the epicure like feeling that i would prefer a novelty in help , that i would rather , and he looked at richard and me , develop generosity in a new soil and in a new form of flower . what do you think will be best , miss summerson . said richard , aside . i ventured to inquire , generally , before replying , what would happen if the money were not produced . jail , said the strange man , coolly putting his handkerchief into his hat , which was on the floor at his feet . or coavinses . may i ask , sir , what is  coavinses . said the strange man . a ouse . richard and i looked at one another again . it was a most singular thing that the arrest was our embarrassment and not mr . skimpoles . he observed us with a genial interest , but there seemed , if i may venture on such a contradiction , nothing selfish in it . he had entirely washed his hands of the difficulty , and it had become ours . i thought , he suggested , as if good naturedly to help us out , that being parties in a chancery suit concerning a large amount of property , mr . richard or his beautiful cousin , or both , could sign something , or make over something , or give some sort of undertaking , or pledge , or bond . i dont know what the business name of it may be , but i suppose there is some instrument within their power that would settle this . not a bit on it , said the strange man . really . returned mr . skimpole . that seems odd , now , to one who is no judge of these things . odd or even , said the stranger gruffly , i tell you , not a bit on it . keep your temper , my good fellow , keep your temper . mr . skimpole gently reasoned with him as he made a little drawing of his head on the fly leaf of a book . dont be ruffled by your occupation . we can separate you from your office we can separate the individual from the pursuit . we are not so prejudiced as to suppose that in private life you are otherwise than a very estimable man , with a great deal of poetry in your nature , of which you may not be conscious . the stranger only answered with another violent snort , whether in acceptance of the poetry tribute or in disdainful rejection of it , he did not express to me . now , my dear miss summerson , and my dear mr . richard , said mr . skimpole gaily , innocently , and confidingly as he looked at his drawing with his head on one side , here you see me utterly incapable of helping myself , and entirely in your hands . i only ask to be free . the butterflies are free . mankind will surely not deny to harold skimpole what it concedes to the butterflies . my dear miss summerson , said richard in a whisper , i have ten pounds that i received from mr . kenge . i must try what that will do . i possessed fifteen pounds , odd shillings , which i had saved from my quarterly allowance during several years . i had always thought that some accident might happen which would throw me suddenly , without any relation or any property , on the world and had always tried to keep some little money by me that i might not be quite penniless . i told richard of my having this little store and having no present need of it , and i asked him delicately to inform mr . skimpole , while i should be gone to fetch it , that we would have the pleasure of paying his debt . when i came back , mr . skimpole kissed my hand and seemed quite touched . not on his own account i was again aware of that perplexing and extraordinary contradiction , but on ours , as if personal considerations were impossible with him and the contemplation of our happiness alone affected him . richard , begging me , for the greater grace of the transaction , as he said , to settle with coavinses as mr . skimpole now jocularly called him , i counted out the money and received the necessary acknowledgment . this , too , delighted mr . skimpole . his compliments were so delicately administered that i blushed less than i might have done and settled with the stranger in the white coat without making any mistakes . he put the money in his pocket and shortly said , well , then , ill wish you a good evening , miss . my friend , said mr . skimpole , standing with his back to the fire after giving up the sketch when it was half finished , i should like to ask you something , without offence . i think the reply was , cut away , then . did you know this morning , now , that you were coming out on this errand . said mr . skimpole . knowd it yesday aftnoon at tea time, , said coavinses . it didnt affect your appetite . didnt make you at all uneasy . not a bit , said coavinses . i knowd if you wos missed to day, , you wouldnt be missed to morrow . a day makes no such odds . but when you came down here , proceeded mr . skimpole , it was a fine day . the sun was shining , the wind was blowing , the lights and shadows were passing across the fields , the birds were singing . nobody said they warnt , in my hearing , returned coavinses . no , observed mr . skimpole . but what did you think upon the road . wot do you mean . growled coavinses with an appearance of strong resentment . think . ive got enough to do , and little enough to get for it without thinking . thinking .  . then you didnt think , at all events , proceeded mr . skimpole , to this effect harold skimpole loves to see the sun shine , loves to hear the wind blow , loves to watch the changing lights and shadows , loves to hear the birds , those choristers in natures great cathedral . and does it seem to me that i am about to deprive harold skimpole of his share in such possessions , which are his only birthright . you thought nothing to that effect . i  , said coavinses , whose doggedness in utterly renouncing the idea was of that intense kind that he could only give adequate expression to it by putting a long interval between each word , and accompanying the last with a jerk that might have dislocated his neck . very odd and very curious , the mental process is , in you men of business . said mr . skimpole thoughtfully . thank you , my friend . good night . as our absence had been long enough already to seem strange downstairs , i returned at once and found ada sitting at work by the fireside talking to her cousin john . mr . skimpole presently appeared , and richard shortly after him . i was sufficiently engaged during the remainder of the evening in taking my first lesson in backgammon from mr . jarndyce , who was very fond of the game and from whom i wished of course to learn it as quickly as i could in order that i might be of the very small use of being able to play when he had no better adversary . but i thought , occasionally , when mr . skimpole played some fragments of his own compositions or when , both at the piano and the violoncello , and at our table , he preserved with an absence of all effort his delightful spirits and his easy flow of conversation , that richard and i seemed to retain the transferred impression of having been arrested since dinner and that it was very curious altogether . it was late before we separated , for when ada was going at eleven oclock , mr . skimpole went to the piano and rattled hilariously that the best of all ways to lengthen our days was to steal a few hours from night , my dear . it was past twelve before he took his candle and his radiant face out of the room , and i think he might have kept us there , if he had seen fit , until daybreak . ada and richard were lingering for a few moments by the fire , wondering whether mrs . jellyby had yet finished her dictation for the day , when mr . jarndyce , who had been out of the room , returned . oh , dear me , whats this , whats this . he said , rubbing his head and walking about with his good humoured vexation . whats this they tell me . rick , my boy , esther , my dear , what have you been doing . why did you do it . how could you do it . how much apiece was it . the winds round again . i feel it all over me . we neither of us quite knew what to answer . come , rick , come . i must settle this before i sleep . how much are you out of pocket . you two made the money up , you know . why did you . how could you . oh , lord , yes , its due east  be . really , sir , said richard , i dont think it would be honourable in me to tell you . mr . skimpole relied upon us  lord bless you , my dear boy . he relies upon everybody . said mr . jarndyce , giving his head a great rub and stopping short . indeed , sir . everybody . and hell be in the same scrape again next week . said mr . jarndyce , walking again at a great pace , with a candle in his hand that had gone out . hes always in the same scrape . he was born in the same scrape . i verily believe that the announcement in the newspapers when his mother was confined was on tuesday last , at her residence in botheration buildings , mrs . skimpole of a son in difficulties . richard laughed heartily but added , still , sir , i dont want to shake his confidence or to break his confidence , and if i submit to your better knowledge again , that i ought to keep his secret , i hope you will consider before you press me any more . of course , if you do press me , sir , i shall know i am wrong and will tell you . well . cried mr . jarndyce , stopping again , and making several absent endeavours to put his candlestick in his pocket . i  . take it away , my dear . i dont know what i am about with it its all the wind  has that effect  wont press you , rick you may be right . but really  get hold of you and esther  to squeeze you like a couple of tender young saint michaels oranges . itll blow a gale in the course of the night . he was now alternately putting his hands into his pockets as if he were going to keep them there a long time , and taking them out again and vehemently rubbing them all over his head . i ventured to take this opportunity of hinting that mr . skimpole , being in all such matters quite a child  eh , my dear . said mr . jarndyce , catching at the word . being quite a child , sir , said i , and so different from other people  you are right . said mr . jarndyce , brightening . your womans wit hits the mark . he is a child  absolute child . i told you he was a child , you know , when i first mentioned him . certainly . certainly . we said . and he is a child . now , isnt he . asked mr . jarndyce , brightening more and more . he was indeed , we said . when you come to think of it , its the height of childishness in you  mean me  said mr . jarndyce , to regard him for a moment as a man . you cant make him responsible . the idea of harold skimpole with designs or plans , or knowledge of consequences . ha , . it was so delicious to see the clouds about his bright face clearing , and to see him so heartily pleased , and to know , as it was impossible not to know , that the source of his pleasure was the goodness which was tortured by condemning , or mistrusting , or secretly accusing any one , that i saw the tears in adas eyes , while she echoed his laugh , and felt them in my own . why , what a cods head and shoulders i am , said mr . jarndyce , to require reminding of it . the whole business shows the child from beginning to end . nobody but a child would have thought of singling you two out for parties in the affair . nobody but a child would have thought of your having the money . if it had been a thousand pounds , it would have been just the same . said mr . jarndyce with his whole face in a glow . we all confirmed it from our nights experience . to be sure , to be sure . said mr . jarndyce . however , rick , esther , and you too , ada , for i dont know that even your little purse is safe from his inexperience  must have a promise all round that nothing of this sort shall ever be done any more . no advances . not even sixpences . we all promised faithfully , richard with a merry glance at me touching his pocket as if to remind me that there was no danger of our transgressing . as to skimpole , said mr . jarndyce , a habitable dolls house with good board and a few tin people to get into debt with and borrow money of would set the boy up in life . he is in a childs sleep by this time , i suppose its time i should take my craftier head to my more worldly pillow . good night , my dears . god bless you . he peeped in again , with a smiling face , before we had lighted our candles , and said , oh . i have been looking at the weather cock . i find it was a false alarm about the wind . its in the south . and went away singing to himself . ada and i agreed , as we talked together for a little while upstairs , that this caprice about the wind was a fiction and that he used the pretence to account for any disappointment he could not conceal , rather than he would blame the real cause of it or disparage or depreciate any one . we thought this very characteristic of his eccentric gentleness and of the difference between him and those petulant people who make the weather and the winds particularly that unlucky wind which he had chosen for such a different purpose the stalking horses of their splenetic and gloomy humours . indeed , so much affection for him had been added in this one evening to my gratitude that i hoped i already began to understand him through that mingled feeling . any seeming inconsistencies in mr . skimpole or in mrs . jellyby i could not expect to be able to reconcile , having so little experience or practical knowledge . neither did i try , for my thoughts were busy when i was alone , with ada and richard and with the confidence i had seemed to receive concerning them . my fancy , made a little wild by the wind perhaps , would not consent to be all unselfish , either , though i would have persuaded it to be so if i could . it wandered back to my godmothers house and came along the intervening track , raising up shadowy speculations which had sometimes trembled there in the dark as to what knowledge mr . jarndyce had of my earliest history  as to the possibility of his being my father , though that idle dream was quite gone now . it was all gone now , i remembered , getting up from the fire . it was not for me to muse over bygones , but to act with a cheerful spirit and a grateful heart . so i said to myself , esther , . duty , my dear . and gave my little basket of housekeeping keys such a shake that they sounded like little bells and rang me hopefully to bed . chapter vii the ghosts walk while esther sleeps , and while esther wakes , it is still wet weather down at the place in lincolnshire . the rain is ever falling  , drip , day and night upon the broad flagged terrace pavement, , the ghosts walk . the weather is so very bad down in lincolnshire that the liveliest imagination can scarcely apprehend its ever being fine again . not that there is any superabundant life of imagination on the spot , for sir leicester is not here and , truly , even if he were , would not do much for it in that particular , but is in paris with my lady and solitude , with dusky wings , sits brooding upon chesney wold . there may be some motions of fancy among the lower animals at chesney wold . the horses in the stables  long stables in a barren , red brick court yard, , where there is a great bell in a turret , and a clock with a large face , which the pigeons who live near it and who love to perch upon its shoulders seem to be always consulting  may contemplate some mental pictures of fine weather on occasions , and may be better artists at them than the grooms . the old roan , so famous for cross country work , turning his large eyeball to the grated window near his rack , may remember the fresh leaves that glisten there at other times and the scents that stream in , and may have a fine run with the hounds , while the human helper , clearing out the next stall , never stirs beyond his pitchfork and birch broom . the grey , whose place is opposite the door and who with an impatient rattle of his halter pricks his ears and turns his head so wistfully when it is opened , and to whom the opener says , woa grey , then , steady . noabody wants you to day . may know it quite as well as the man . the whole seemingly monotonous and uncompanionable half dozen, , stabled together , may pass the long wet hours when the door is shut in livelier communication than is held in the servants hall or at the dedlock arms , or may even beguile the time by improving perhaps corrupting the pony in the loose box in the corner . so the mastiff , dozing in his kennel in the court yard with his large head on his paws , may think of the hot sunshine when the shadows of the stable buildings tire his patience out by changing and leave him at one time of the day no broader refuge than the shadow of his own house , where he sits on end , panting and growling short , and very much wanting something to worry besides himself and his chain . so now , half waking and all winking, , he may recall the house full of company , the coach houses full of vehicles , the stables full of horses , and the out buildings full of attendants upon horses , until he is undecided about the present and comes forth to see how it is . then , with that impatient shake of himself , he may growl in the spirit , rain , . nothing but rain  no family here . as he goes in again and lies down with a gloomy yawn . so with the dogs in the kennel buildings across the park , who have their restless fits and whose doleful voices when the wind has been very obstinate have even made it known in the house itself  , downstairs , and in my ladys chamber . they may hunt the whole country side, , while the raindrops are pattering round their inactivity . so the rabbits with their self betraying tails , frisking in and out of holes at roots of trees , may be lively with ideas of the breezy days when their ears are blown about or of those seasons of interest when there are sweet young plants to gnaw . the turkey in the poultry yard, , always troubled with a class grievance probably christmas , may be reminiscent of that summer morning wrongfully taken from him when he got into the lane among the felled trees , where there was a barn and barley . the discontented goose , who stoops to pass under the old gateway , twenty feet high , may gabble out , if we only knew it , a waddling preference for weather when the gateway casts its shadow on the ground . be this as it may , there is not much fancy otherwise stirring at chesney wold . if there be a little at any odd moment , it goes , like a little noise in that old echoing place , a long way and usually leads off to ghosts and mystery . it has rained so hard and rained so long down in lincolnshire that mrs . rouncewell , the old housekeeper at chesney wold , has several times taken off her spectacles and cleaned them to make certain that the drops were not upon the glasses . mrs . rouncewell might have been sufficiently assured by hearing the rain , but that she is rather deaf , which nothing will induce her to believe . she is a fine old lady , handsome , stately , wonderfully neat , and has such a back and such a stomacher that if her stays should turn out when she dies to have been a broad old fashioned family fire grate, , nobody who knows her would have cause to be surprised . weather affects mrs . rouncewell little . the house is there in all weathers , and the house , as she expresses it , is what she looks at . she sits in her room in a side passage on the ground floor , with an arched window commanding a smooth quadrangle , adorned at regular intervals with smooth round trees and smooth round blocks of stone , as if the trees were going to play at bowls with the stones , and the whole house reposes on her mind . she can open it on occasion and be busy and fluttered , but it is shut up now and lies on the breadth of mrs . rouncewells iron bound bosom in a majestic sleep . it is the next difficult thing to an impossibility to imagine chesney wold without mrs . rouncewell , but she has only been here fifty years . ask her how long , this rainy day , and she shall answer fifty year , three months , and a fortnight , by the blessing of heaven , if i live till tuesday . mr . rouncewell died some time before the decease of the pretty fashion of pig tails, , and modestly hid his own if he took it with him in a corner of the churchyard in the park near the mouldy porch . he was born in the market town, , and so was his young widow . her progress in the family began in the time of the last sir leicester and originated in the still room . the present representative of the dedlocks is an excellent master . he supposes all his dependents to be utterly bereft of individual characters , intentions , or opinions , and is persuaded that he was born to supersede the necessity of their having any . if he were to make a discovery to the contrary , he would be simply stunned  never recover himself , most likely , except to gasp and die . but he is an excellent master still , holding it a part of his state to be so . he has a great liking for mrs . rouncewell he says she is a most respectable , creditable woman . he always shakes hands with her when he comes down to chesney wold and when he goes away and if he were very ill , or if he were knocked down by accident , or run over , or placed in any situation expressive of a dedlock at a disadvantage , he would say if he could speak , leave me , and send mrs . rouncewell here . feeling his dignity , at such a pass , safer with her than with anybody else . mrs . rouncewell has known trouble . she has had two sons , of whom the younger ran wild , and went for a soldier , and never came back . even to this hour , mrs . rouncewells calm hands lose their composure when she speaks of him , and unfolding themselves from her stomacher , hover about her in an agitated manner as she says what a likely lad , what a fine lad , what a gay , good humoured, , clever lad he was . her second son would have been provided for at chesney wold and would have been made steward in due season , but he took , when he was a schoolboy , to constructing steam engines out of saucepans and setting birds to draw their own water with the least possible amount of labour , so assisting them with artful contrivance of hydraulic pressure that a thirsty canary had only , in a literal sense , to put his shoulder to the wheel and the job was done . this propensity gave mrs . rouncewell great uneasiness . she felt it with a mothers anguish to be a move in the wat tyler direction , well knowing that sir leicester had that general impression of an aptitude for any art to which smoke and a tall chimney might be considered essential . but the doomed young rebel showing no sign of grace as he got older but , on the contrary , constructing a model of a power loom, , she was fain , with many tears , to mention his backslidings to the baronet . mrs . rouncewell , said sir leicester , i can never consent to argue , as you know , with any one on any subject . you had better get rid of your boy you had better get him into some works . the iron country farther north is , i suppose , the congenial direction for a boy with these tendencies . farther north he went , and farther north he grew up and if sir leicester dedlock ever saw him when he came to chesney wold to visit his mother , or ever thought of him afterwards , it is certain that he only regarded him as one of a body of some odd thousand conspirators , swarthy and grim , who were in the habit of turning out by torchlight two or three nights in the week for unlawful purposes . nevertheless , mrs . rouncewells son has , in the course of nature and art , grown up , and established himself , and married , and called unto him mrs . rouncewells grandson , who , being out of his apprenticeship , and home from a journey in far countries , whither he was sent to enlarge his knowledge and complete his preparations for the venture of this life , stands leaning against the chimney piece this very day in mrs . rouncewells room at chesney wold . and , again and again , i am glad to see you , watt . and , once again , i am glad to see you , watt . says mrs . rouncewell . you are a fine young fellow . you are like your poor uncle george . ah . mrs . rouncewells hands unquiet , as usual , on this reference . they say i am like my father , grandmother . like him , also , my dear  most like your poor uncle george . and your dear father . mrs . rouncewell folds her hands again . he is well . thriving , grandmother , in every way . i am thankful . mrs . rouncewell is fond of her son but has a plaintive feeling towards him , much as if he were a very honourable soldier who had gone over to the enemy . he is quite happy . says she . quite . i am thankful . so he has brought you up to follow in his ways and has sent you into foreign countries and the like . well , he knows best . there may be a world beyond chesney wold that i dont understand . though i am not young , either . and i have seen a quantity of good company too . grandmother , says the young man , changing the subject , what a very pretty girl that was i found with you just now . you called her rosa . yes , child . she is daughter of a widow in the village . maids are so hard to teach , now a , that i have put her about me young . shes an apt scholar and will do well . she shows the house already , very pretty . she lives with me at my table here . i hope i have not driven her away . she supposes we have family affairs to speak about , i dare say . she is very modest . it is a fine quality in a young woman . and scarcer , says mrs . rouncewell , expanding her stomacher to its utmost limits , than it formerly was . the young man inclines his head in acknowledgment of the precepts of experience . mrs . rouncewell listens . wheels . says she . they have long been audible to the younger ears of her companion . what wheels on such a day as this , for gracious sake . after a short interval , a tap at the door . come in . a dark eyed, , shy , village beauty comes in  fresh in her rosy and yet delicate bloom that the drops of rain which have beaten on her hair look like the dew upon a flower fresh gathered . what company is this , rosa . says mrs . rouncewell . its two young men in a gig , maam , who want to see the house  , and if you please , i told them so . in quick reply to a gesture of dissent from the housekeeper . i went to the hall door and told them it was the wrong day and the wrong hour , but the young man who was driving took off his hat in the wet and begged me to bring this card to you . read it , my dear watt , says the housekeeper . rosa is so shy as she gives it to him that they drop it between them and almost knock their foreheads together as they pick it up . rosa is shyer than before . mr . guppy is all the information the card yields . guppy . repeats mrs . rouncewell , mr . guppy . nonsense , i never heard of him . if you please , he told me that . says rosa . but he said that he and the other young gentleman came from london only last night by the mail , on business at the magistrates meeting , ten miles off , this morning , and that as their business was soon over , and they had heard a great deal said of chesney wold , and really didnt know what to do with themselves , they had come through the wet to see it . they are lawyers . he says he is not in mr . tulkinghorns office , but he is sure he may make use of mr . tulkinghorns name if necessary . finding , now she leaves off , that she has been making quite a long speech , rosa is shyer than ever . now , mr . tulkinghorn is , in a manner , part and parcel of the place , and besides , is supposed to have made mrs . rouncewells will . the old lady relaxes , consents to the admission of the visitors as a favour , and dismisses rosa . the grandson , however , being smitten by a sudden wish to see the house himself , proposes to join the party . the grandmother , who is pleased that he should have that interest , accompanies him  to do him justice , he is exceedingly unwilling to trouble her . much obliged to you , maam . says mr . guppy , divesting himself of his wet dreadnought in the hall . us london lawyers dont often get an out , and when we do , we like to make the most of it , you know . the old housekeeper , with a gracious severity of deportment , waves her hand towards the great staircase . mr . guppy and his friend follow rosa mrs . rouncewell and her grandson follow them a young gardener goes before to open the shutters . as is usually the case with people who go over houses , mr . guppy and his friend are dead beat before they have well begun . they straggle about in wrong places , look at wrong things , dont care for the right things , gape when more rooms are opened , exhibit profound depression of spirits , and are clearly knocked up . in each successive chamber that they enter , mrs . rouncewell , who is as upright as the house itself , rests apart in a window seat or other such nook and listens with stately approval to rosas exposition . her grandson is so attentive to it that rosa is shyer than ever  prettier . thus they pass on from room to room , raising the pictured dedlocks for a few brief minutes as the young gardener admits the light , and reconsigning them to their graves as he shuts it out again . it appears to the afflicted mr . guppy and his inconsolable friend that there is no end to the dedlocks , whose family greatness seems to consist in their never having done anything to distinguish themselves for seven hundred years . even the long drawing room of chesney wold cannot revive mr . guppys spirits . he is so low that he droops on the threshold and has hardly strength of mind to enter . but a portrait over the chimney piece, , painted by the fashionable artist of the day , acts upon him like a charm . he recovers in a moment . he stares at it with uncommon interest he seems to be fixed and fascinated by it . dear me . says mr . guppy . whos that . the picture over the fire place, , says rosa , is the portrait of the present lady dedlock . it is considered a perfect likeness , and the best work of the master . blest , says mr . guppy , staring in a kind of dismay at his friend , if i can ever have seen her . yet i know her . has the picture been engraved , miss . the picture has never been engraved . sir leicester has always refused permission . well . says mr . guppy in a low voice . ill be shot if it aint very curious how well i know that picture . so thats lady dedlock , is it . the picture on the right is the present sir leicester dedlock . the picture on the left is his father , the late sir leicester . mr . guppy has no eyes for either of these magnates . its unaccountable to me , he says , still staring at the portrait , how well i know that picture . im dashed , adds mr . guppy , looking round , if i dont think i must have had a dream of that picture , you know . as no one present takes any especial interest in mr . guppys dreams , the probability is not pursued . but he still remains so absorbed by the portrait that he stands immovable before it until the young gardener has closed the shutters , when he comes out of the room in a dazed state that is an odd though a sufficient substitute for interest and follows into the succeeding rooms with a confused stare , as if he were looking everywhere for lady dedlock again . he sees no more of her . he sees her rooms , which are the last shown , as being very elegant , and he looks out of the windows from which she looked out , not long ago , upon the weather that bored her to death . all things have an end , even houses that people take infinite pains to see and are tired of before they begin to see them . he has come to the end of the sight , and the fresh village beauty to the end of her description which is always this the terrace below is much admired . it is called , from an old story in the family , the ghosts walk . no . says mr . guppy , greedily curious . whats the story , miss . is it anything about a picture . pray tell us the story , says watt in a half whisper . i dont know it , sir . rosa is shyer than ever . it is not related to visitors it is almost forgotten , says the housekeeper , advancing . it has never been more than a family anecdote . youll excuse my asking again if it has anything to do with a picture , maam , observes mr . guppy , because i do assure you that the more i think of that picture the better i know it , without knowing how i know it . the story has nothing to do with a picture the housekeeper can guarantee that . mr . guppy is obliged to her for the information and is , moreover , generally obliged . he retires with his friend , guided down another staircase by the young gardener , and presently is heard to drive away . it is now dusk . mrs . rouncewell can trust to the discretion of her two young hearers and may tell them how the terrace came to have that ghostly name . she seats herself in a large chair by the fast darkening window and tells them in the wicked days , my dears , of king charles the first  mean , of course , in the wicked days of the rebels who leagued themselves against that excellent king  morbury dedlock was the owner of chesney wold . whether there was any account of a ghost in the family before those days , i cant say . i should think it very likely indeed . mrs . rouncewell holds this opinion because she considers that a family of such antiquity and importance has a right to a ghost . she regards a ghost as one of the privileges of the upper classes , a genteel distinction to which the common people have no claim . sir morbury dedlock , says mrs . rouncewell , was , i have no occasion to say , on the side of the blessed martyr . but it is supposed that his lady , who had none of the family blood in her veins , favoured the bad cause . it is said that she had relations among king charless enemies , that she was in correspondence with them , and that she gave them information . when any of the country gentlemen who followed his majestys cause met here , it is said that my lady was always nearer to the door of their council room than they supposed . do you hear a sound like a footstep passing along the terrace , watt . rosa draws nearer to the housekeeper . i hear the rain drip on the stones , replies the young man , and i hear a curious echo  suppose an echo  is very like a halting step . the housekeeper gravely nods and continues partly on account of this division between them , and partly on other accounts , sir morbury and his lady led a troubled life . she was a lady of a haughty temper . they were not well suited to each other in age or character , and they had no children to moderate between them . after her favourite brother , a young gentleman , was killed in the civil wars by sir morburys near kinsman , her feeling was so violent that she hated the race into which she had married . when the dedlocks were about to ride out from chesney wold in the kings cause , she is supposed to have more than once stolen down into the stables in the dead of night and lamed their horses and the story is that once at such an hour , her husband saw her gliding down the stairs and followed her into the stall where his own favourite horse stood . there he seized her by the wrist , and in a struggle or in a fall or through the horse being frightened and lashing out , she was lamed in the hip and from that hour began to pine away . the housekeeper has dropped her voice to a little more than a whisper . she had been a lady of a handsome figure and a noble carriage . she never complained of the change she never spoke to any one of being crippled or of being in pain , but day by day she tried to walk upon the terrace , and with the help of the stone balustrade , went up and down , up and down , up and down , in sun and shadow , with greater difficulty every day . at last , one afternoon her husband to whom she had never , on any persuasion , opened her lips since that night , standing at the great south window , saw her drop upon the pavement . he hastened down to raise her , but she repulsed him as he bent over her , and looking at him fixedly and coldly , said , i will die here where i have walked . and i will walk here , though i am in my grave . i will walk here until the pride of this house is humbled . and when calamity or when disgrace is coming to it , let the dedlocks listen for my step . watt looks at rosa . rosa in the deepening gloom looks down upon the ground , half frightened and half shy . there and then she died . and from those days , says mrs . rouncewell , the name has come down  ghosts walk . if the tread is an echo , it is an echo that is only heard after dark , and is often unheard for a long while together . but it comes back from time to time and so sure as there is sickness or death in the family , it will be heard then . and disgrace , grandmother  says watt . disgrace never comes to chesney wold , returns the housekeeper . her grandson apologizes with true . true . that is the story . whatever the sound is , it is a worrying sound , says mrs . rouncewell , getting up from her chair and what is to be noticed in it is that it must be heard . my lady , who is afraid of nothing , admits that when it is there , it must be heard . you cannot shut it out . watt , there is a tall french clock behind you placed there , a purpose that has a loud beat when it is in motion and can play music . you understand how those things are managed . pretty well , grandmother , i think . set it a going . watt sets it a going and all . now , come hither , says the housekeeper . hither , child , towards my ladys pillow . i am not sure that it is dark enough yet , but listen . can you hear the sound upon the terrace , through the music , and the beat , and everything . i certainly can . so my lady says . chapter viii covering a multitude of sins it was interesting when i dressed before daylight to peep out of window , where my candles were reflected in the black panes like two beacons , and finding all beyond still enshrouded in the indistinctness of last night , to watch how it turned out when the day came on . as the prospect gradually revealed itself and disclosed the scene over which the wind had wandered in the dark , like my memory over my life , i had a pleasure in discovering the unknown objects that had been around me in my sleep . at first they were faintly discernible in the mist , and above them the later stars still glimmered . that pale interval over , the picture began to enlarge and fill up so fast that at every new peep i could have found enough to look at for an hour . imperceptibly my candles became the only incongruous part of the morning , the dark places in my room all melted away , and the day shone bright upon a cheerful landscape , prominent in which the old abbey church , with its massive tower , threw a softer train of shadow on the view than seemed compatible with its rugged character . but so from rough outsides i hope i have learnt , serene and gentle influences often proceed . every part of the house was in such order , and every one was so attentive to me , that i had no trouble with my two bunches of keys , though what with trying to remember the contents of each little store room drawer and cupboard and what with making notes on a slate about jams , and pickles , and preserves , and bottles , and glass , and china , and a great many other things and what with being generally a methodical , old maidish sort of foolish little person , i was so busy that i could not believe it was breakfast time when i heard the bell ring . away i ran , however , and made tea , as i had already been installed into the responsibility of the tea pot and then , as they were all rather late and nobody was down yet , i thought i would take a peep at the garden and get some knowledge of that too . i found it quite a delightful place  front , the pretty avenue and drive by which we had approached and where , by the by , we had cut up the gravel so terribly with our wheels that i asked the gardener to roll it at the back , the flower garden, , with my darling at her window up there , throwing it open to smile out at me , as if she would have kissed me from that distance . beyond the flower garden was a kitchen garden, , and then a paddock , and then a snug little rick yard, , and then a dear little farm yard . as to the house itself , with its three peaks in the roof its various shaped windows , some so large , some so small , and all so pretty its trellis work, , against the south front for roses and honey suckle, , and its homely , comfortable , welcoming look  was , as ada said when she came out to meet me with her arm through that of its master , worthy of her cousin john , a bold thing to say , though he only pinched her dear cheek for it . mr . skimpole was as agreeable at breakfast as he had been overnight . there was honey on the table , and it led him into a discourse about bees . he had no objection to honey , he said and i should think he had not , for he seemed to like it , but he protested against the overweening assumptions of bees . he didnt at all see why the busy bee should be proposed as a model to him he supposed the bee liked to make honey , or he wouldnt do it  asked him . it was not necessary for the bee to make such a merit of his tastes . if every confectioner went buzzing about the world banging against everything that came in his way and egotistically calling upon everybody to take notice that he was going to his work and must not be interrupted , the world would be quite an unsupportable place . then , after all , it was a ridiculous position to be smoked out of your fortune with brimstone as soon as you had made it . you would have a very mean opinion of a manchester man if he spun cotton for no other purpose . he must say he thought a drone the embodiment of a pleasanter and wiser idea . the drone said unaffectedly , you will excuse me i really cannot attend to the shop . i find myself in a world in which there is so much to see and so short a time to see it in that i must take the liberty of looking about me and begging to be provided for by somebody who doesnt want to look about him . this appeared to mr . skimpole to be the drone philosophy , and he thought it a very good philosophy , always supposing the drone to be willing to be on good terms with the bee , which , so far as he knew , the easy fellow always was , if the consequential creature would only let him , and not be so conceited about his honey . he pursued this fancy with the lightest foot over a variety of ground and made us all merry , though again he seemed to have as serious a meaning in what he said as he was capable of having . i left them still listening to him when i withdrew to attend to my new duties . they had occupied me for some time , and i was passing through the passages on my return with my basket of keys on my arm when mr . jarndyce called me into a small room next his bed chamber, , which i found to be in part a little library of books and papers and in part quite a little museum of his boots and shoes and hat boxes . sit down , my dear , said mr . jarndyce . this , you must know , is the growlery . when i am out of humour , i come and growl here . you must be here very seldom , sir , said i . oh , you dont know me . he returned . when i am deceived or disappointed in  wind , and its easterly , i take refuge here . the growlery is the best used room in the house . you are not aware of half my humours yet . my dear , how you are trembling . i could not help it i tried very hard , but being alone with that benevolent presence , and meeting his kind eyes , and feeling so happy and so honoured there , and my heart so full  kissed his hand . i dont know what i said , or even that i spoke . he was disconcerted and walked to the window i almost believed with an intention of jumping out , until he turned and i was reassured by seeing in his eyes what he had gone there to hide . he gently patted me on the head , and i sat down . there . there . he said . thats over . poh . dont be foolish . it shall not happen again , sir , i returned , but at first it is difficult  nonsense . he said . its easy , . why not . i hear of a good little orphan girl without a protector , and i take it into my head to be that protector . she grows up , and more than justifies my good opinion , and i remain her guardian and her friend . what is there in all this . so , . now , we have cleared off old scores , and i have before me thy pleasant , trusting , trusty face again . i said to myself , esther , my dear , you surprise me . this really is not what i expected of you . and it had such a good effect that i folded my hands upon my basket and quite recovered myself . mr . jarndyce , expressing his approval in his face , began to talk to me as confidentially as if i had been in the habit of conversing with him every morning for i dont know how long . i almost felt as if i had . of course , esther , he said , you dont understand this chancery business . and of course i shook my head . i dont know who does , he returned . the lawyers have twisted it into such a state of bedevilment that the original merits of the case have long disappeared from the face of the earth . its about a will and the trusts under a will  it was once . its about nothing but costs now . we are always appearing , and disappearing , and swearing , and interrogating , and filing , and cross filing, , and arguing , and sealing , and motioning , and referring , and reporting , and revolving about the lord chancellor and all his satellites , and equitably waltzing ourselves off to dusty death , about costs . thats the great question . all the rest , by some extraordinary means , has melted away . but it was , sir , said i , to bring him back , for he began to rub his head , about a will . why , yes , it was about a will when it was about anything , he returned . a certain jarndyce , in an evil hour , made a great fortune , and made a great will . in the question how the trusts under that will are to be administered , the fortune left by the will is squandered away the legatees under the will are reduced to such a miserable condition that they would be sufficiently punished if they had committed an enormous crime in having money left them , and the will itself is made a dead letter . all through the deplorable cause , everything that everybody in it , except one man , knows already is referred to that only one man who dont know , it to find out  through the deplorable cause , everybody must have copies , over and over again , of everything that has accumulated about it in the way of cartloads of papers or must pay for them without having them , which is the usual course , for nobody wants them and must go down the middle and up again through such an infernal country dance of costs and fees and nonsense and corruption as was never dreamed of in the wildest visions of a witchs sabbath . equity sends questions to law , sends questions back to equity law finds it cant do this , equity finds it cant do that neither can so much as say it cant do anything , without this solicitor instructing and this counsel appearing for a , and that solicitor instructing and that counsel appearing for b and so on through the whole alphabet , like the history of the apple pie . and thus , through years and years , and lives and lives , everything goes on , constantly beginning over and over again , and nothing ever ends . and we cant get out of the suit on any terms , for we are made parties to it , and must be parties to it , whether we like it or not . but it wont do to think of it . when my great uncle , poor tom jarndyce , began to think of it , was the beginning of the end . the mr . jarndyce , sir , whose story i have heard . he nodded gravely . i was his heir , and this was his house , esther . when i came here , it was bleak indeed . he had left the signs of his misery upon it . how changed it must be now . i said . it had been called , before his time , the peaks . he gave it its present name and lived here shut up , day and night poring over the wicked heaps of papers in the suit and hoping against hope to disentangle it from its mystification and bring it to a close . in the meantime , the place became dilapidated , the wind whistled through the cracked walls , the rain fell through the broken roof , the weeds choked the passage to the rotting door . when i brought what remained of him home here , the brains seemed to me to have been blown out of the house too , it was so shattered and ruined . he walked a little to and fro after saying this to himself with a shudder , and then looked at me , and brightened , and came and sat down again with his hands in his pockets . i told you this was the growlery , my dear . where was i . i reminded him , at the hopeful change he had made in bleak house . bleak house true . there is , in that city of london there , some property of ours which is much at this day what bleak house was then i say property of ours , meaning of the suits , but i ought to call it the property of costs , for costs is the only power on earth that will ever get anything out of it now or will ever know it for anything but an eyesore and a heartsore . it is a street of perishing blind houses , with their eyes stoned out , without a pane of glass , without so much as a window frame, , with the bare blank shutters tumbling from their hinges and falling asunder , the iron rails peeling away in flakes of rust , the chimneys sinking in , the stone steps to every door and every door might be deaths door turning stagnant green , the very crutches on which the ruins are propped decaying . although bleak house was not in chancery , its master was , and it was stamped with the same seal . these are the great seals impressions , my dear , all over england  children know them . how changed it is . i said again . why , so it is , he answered much more cheerfully and it is wisdom in you to keep me to the bright side of the picture . the idea of my wisdom . these are things i never talk about or even think about , excepting in the growlery here . if you consider it right to mention them to rick and ada , looking seriously at me , you can . i leave it to your discretion , esther . i hope , sir  said i . i think you had better call me guardian , my dear . i felt that i was choking again  taxed myself with it , esther , now , you know you are . he feigned to say this slightly , as if it were a whim instead of a thoughtful tenderness . but i gave the housekeeping keys the least shake in the world as a reminder to myself , and folding my hands in a still more determined manner on the basket , looked at him quietly . i hope , guardian , said i , that you may not trust too much to my discretion . i hope you may not mistake me . i am afraid it will be a disappointment to you to know that i am not clever , but it really is the truth , and you would soon find it out if i had not the honesty to confess it . he did not seem at all disappointed quite the contrary . he told me , with a smile all over his face , that he knew me very well indeed and that i was quite clever enough for him . i hope i may turn out so , said i , but i am much afraid of it , guardian . you are clever enough to be the good little woman of our lives here , my dear , he returned playfully the little old woman of the childs rhyme little old woman , and whither so high . to sweep the cobwebs out of the sky . you will sweep them so neatly out of our sky in the course of your housekeeping , esther , that one of these days we shall have to abandon the growlery and nail up the door . this was the beginning of my being called old woman , and little old woman , and cobweb , and mrs . shipton , and mother hubbard , and dame durden , and so many names of that sort that my own name soon became quite lost among them . however , said mr . jarndyce , to return to our gossip . heres rick , a fine young fellow full of promise . whats to be done with him . oh , my goodness , the idea of asking my advice on such a point . here he is , esther , said mr . jarndyce , comfortably putting his hands into his pockets and stretching out his legs . he must have a profession he must make some choice for himself . there will be a world more wiglomeration about it , i suppose , but it must be done . more what , guardian . said i . more wiglomeration , said he . its the only name i know for the thing . he is a ward in chancery , my dear . kenge and carboy will have something to say about it master somebody  sort of ridiculous sexton , digging graves for the merits of causes in a back room at the end of quality court , chancery lane  have something to say about it counsel will have something to say about it the chancellor will have something to say about it the satellites will have something to say about it they will all have to be handsomely feed , all round , about it the whole thing will be vastly ceremonious , wordy , unsatisfactory , and expensive , and i call it , in general , wiglomeration . how mankind ever came to be afflicted with wiglomeration , or for whose sins these young people ever fell into a pit of it , i dont know so it is . he began to rub his head again and to hint that he felt the wind . but it was a delightful instance of his kindness towards me that whether he rubbed his head , or walked about , or did both , his face was sure to recover its benignant expression as it looked at mine and he was sure to turn comfortable again and put his hands in his pockets and stretch out his legs . perhaps it would be best , first of all , said i , to ask mr . richard what he inclines to himself . exactly so , he returned . thats what i mean . you know , just accustom yourself to talk it over , with your tact and in your quiet way , with him and ada , and see what you all make of it . we are sure to come at the heart of the matter by your means , little woman . i really was frightened at the thought of the importance i was attaining and the number of things that were being confided to me . i had not meant this at all i had meant that he should speak to richard . but of course i said nothing in reply except that i would do my best , though i feared that he thought me much more sagacious than i was . at which my guardian only laughed the pleasantest laugh i ever heard . come . he said , rising and pushing back his chair . i think we may have done with the growlery for one day . only a concluding word . esther , my dear , do you wish to ask me anything . he looked so attentively at me that i looked attentively at him and felt sure i understood him . about myself , sir . said i . yes . guardian , said i , venturing to put my hand , which was suddenly colder than i could have wished , in his , nothing . i am quite sure that if there were anything i ought to know or had any need to know , i should not have to ask you to tell it to me . if my whole reliance and confidence were not placed in you , i must have a hard heart indeed . i have nothing to ask you , nothing in the world . he drew my hand through his arm and we went away to look for ada . from that hour i felt quite easy with him , quite unreserved , quite content to know no more , quite happy . we lived , at first , rather a busy life at bleak house , for we had to become acquainted with many residents in and out of the neighbourhood who knew mr . jarndyce . it seemed to ada and me that everybody knew him who wanted to do anything with anybody elses money . it amazed us when we began to sort his letters and to answer some of them for him in the growlery of a morning to find how the great object of the lives of nearly all his correspondents appeared to be to form themselves into committees for getting in and laying out money . the ladies were as desperate as the gentlemen indeed , i think they were even more so . they threw themselves into committees in the most impassioned manner and collected subscriptions with a vehemence quite extraordinary . it appeared to us that some of them must pass their whole lives in dealing out subscription cards to the whole post office directory  cards , half crown cards , half sovereign cards , penny cards . they wanted everything . they wanted wearing apparel , they wanted linen rags , they wanted money , they wanted coals , they wanted soup , they wanted interest , they wanted autographs , they wanted flannel , they wanted whatever mr . jarndyce had  not . their objects were as various as their demands . they were going to raise new buildings , they were going to pay off debts on old buildings , they were going to establish in a picturesque building the sisterhood of mediaeval marys , they were going to give a testimonial to mrs . jellyby , they were going to have their secretarys portrait painted and presented to his mother in , whose deep devotion to him was well known , they were going to get up everything , i really believe , from five hundred thousand tracts to an annuity and from a marble monument to a silver tea pot . they took a multitude of titles . they were the women of england , the daughters of britain , the sisters of all the cardinal virtues separately , the females of america , the ladies of a hundred denominations . they appeared to be always excited about canvassing and electing . they seemed to our poor wits , and according to their own accounts , to be constantly polling people by tens of thousands , yet never bringing their candidates in for anything . it made our heads ache to think , on the whole , what feverish lives they must lead . among the ladies who were most distinguished for this rapacious benevolence was a mrs . pardiggle , who seemed , as i judged from the number of her letters to mr . jarndyce , to be almost as powerful a correspondent as mrs . jellyby herself . we observed that the wind always changed when mrs . pardiggle became the subject of conversation and that it invariably interrupted mr . jarndyce and prevented his going any farther , when he had remarked that there were two classes of charitable people one , the people who did a little and made a great deal of noise the other , the people who did a great deal and made no noise at all . we were therefore curious to see mrs . pardiggle , suspecting her to be a type of the former class , and were glad when she called one day with her five young sons . she was a formidable style of lady with spectacles , a prominent nose , and a loud voice , who had the effect of wanting a great deal of room . and she really did , for she knocked down little chairs with her skirts that were quite a great way off . as only ada and i were at home , we received her timidly , for she seemed to come in like cold weather and to make the little pardiggles blue as they followed . these , young ladies , said mrs . pardiggle with great volubility after the first salutations , are my five boys . you may have seen their names in a printed subscription list in the possession of our esteemed friend mr . jarndyce . egbert , my eldest is the boy who sent out his pocket money, , to the amount of five and threepence , to the tockahoopo indians . oswald , my second is the child who contributed two and nine pence to the great national smithers testimonial . francis , my third one and sixpence halfpenny felix , my fourth eightpence to the superannuated widows alfred , my youngest has voluntarily enrolled himself in the infant bonds of joy , and is pledged never , through life , to use tobacco in any form . we had never seen such dissatisfied children . it was not merely that they were weazened and shrivelled  they were certainly that too  they looked absolutely ferocious with discontent . at the mention of the tockahoopo indians , i could really have supposed egbert to be one of the most baleful members of that tribe , he gave me such a savage frown . the face of each child , as the amount of his contribution was mentioned , darkened in a peculiarly vindictive manner , but his was by far the worst . i must except , however , the little recruit into the infant bonds of joy , who was stolidly and evenly miserable . you have been visiting , i understand , said mrs . pardiggle , at mrs . jellybys . we said yes , we had passed one night there . mrs . jellyby , pursued the lady , always speaking in the same demonstrative , loud , hard tone , so that her voice impressed my fancy as if it had a sort of spectacles on too  i may take the opportunity of remarking that her spectacles were made the less engaging by her eyes being what ada called choking eyes , meaning very prominent  . jellyby is a benefactor to society and deserves a helping hand . my boys have contributed to the african project  , one and six , being the entire allowance of nine weeks oswald , one and a penny halfpenny , being the same the rest , according to their little means . nevertheless , i do not go with mrs . jellyby in all things . i do not go with mrs . jellyby in her treatment of her young family . it has been noticed . it has been observed that her young family are excluded from participation in the objects to which she is devoted . she may be right , she may be wrong but , right or wrong , this is not my course with my young family . i take them everywhere . i was afterwards convinced that from the ill conditioned eldest child , these words extorted a sharp yell . he turned it off into a yawn , but it began as a yell . they attend matins with me at half past six oclock in the morning all the year round , including of course the depth of winter , said mrs . pardiggle rapidly , and they are with me during the revolving duties of the day . i am a school lady , i am a visiting lady , i am a reading lady , i am a distributing lady i am on the local linen box committee and many general committees and my canvassing alone is very extensive  no ones more so . but they are my companions everywhere and by these means they acquire that knowledge of the poor , and that capacity of doing charitable business in general  short , that taste for the sort of thing  will render them in after life a service to their neighbours and a satisfaction to themselves . my young family are not frivolous they expend the entire amount of their allowance in subscriptions , under my direction and they have attended as many public meetings and listened to as many lectures , orations , and discussions as generally fall to the lot of few grown people . alfred who , as i mentioned , has of his own election joined the infant bonds of joy , was one of the very few children who manifested consciousness on that occasion after a fervid address of two hours from the chairman of the evening . alfred glowered at us as if he never could , or would , forgive the injury of that night . you may have observed , miss summerson , said mrs . pardiggle , in some of the lists to which i have referred , in the possession of our esteemed friend mr . jarndyce , that the names of my young family are concluded with the name of o . a . pardiggle , f . r . s . one pound . that is their father . we usually observe the same routine . i put down my mite first then my young family enrol their contributions , according to their ages and their little means and then mr . pardiggle brings up the rear . mr . pardiggle is happy to throw in his limited donation , under my direction and thus things are made not only pleasant to ourselves , but , we trust , improving to others . suppose mr . pardiggle were to dine with mr . jellyby , and suppose mr . jellyby were to relieve his mind after dinner to mr . pardiggle , would mr . pardiggle , in return , make any confidential communication to mr . jellyby . i was quite confused to find myself thinking this , but it came into my head . you are very pleasantly situated here . said mrs . pardiggle . we were glad to change the subject , and going to the window , pointed out the beauties of the prospect , on which the spectacles appeared to me to rest with curious indifference . you know mr . gusher . said our visitor . we were obliged to say that we had not the pleasure of mr . gushers acquaintance . the loss is yours , i assure you , said mrs . pardiggle with her commanding deportment . he is a very fervid , impassioned speaker  of fire . stationed in a waggon on this lawn , now , which , from the shape of the land , is naturally adapted to a public meeting , he would improve almost any occasion you could mention for hours and hours . by this time , young ladies , said mrs . pardiggle , moving back to her chair and overturning , as if by invisible agency , a little round table at a considerable distance with my work basket on it , by this time you have found me out , i dare say . this was really such a confusing question that ada looked at me in perfect dismay . as to the guilty nature of my own consciousness after what i had been thinking , it must have been expressed in the colour of my cheeks . found out , i mean , said mrs . pardiggle , the prominent point in my character . i am aware that it is so prominent as to be discoverable immediately . i lay myself open to detection , i know . well . i freely admit , i am a woman of business . i love hard work i enjoy hard work . the excitement does me good . i am so accustomed and inured to hard work that i dont know what fatigue is . we murmured that it was very astonishing and very gratifying , or something to that effect . i dont think we knew what it was either , but this is what our politeness expressed . i do not understand what it is to be tired you cannot tire me if you try . said mrs . pardiggle . the quantity of exertion which is no exertion to me , the amount of business that i go through sometimes astonishes myself . i have seen my young family , and mr . pardiggle , quite worn out with witnessing it , when i may truly say i have been as fresh as a lark . if that dark visaged eldest boy could look more malicious than he had already looked , this was the time when he did it . i observed that he doubled his right fist and delivered a secret blow into the crown of his cap , which was under his left arm . this gives me a great advantage when i am making my rounds , said mrs . pardiggle . if i find a person unwilling to hear what i have to say , i tell that person directly , i am incapable of fatigue , my good friend , i am never tired , and i mean to go on until i have done . it answers admirably . miss summerson , i hope i shall have your assistance in my visiting rounds immediately , and miss clares very soon . at first i tried to excuse myself for the present on the general ground of having occupations to attend to which i must not neglect . but as this was an ineffectual protest , i then said , more particularly , that i was not sure of my qualifications . that i was inexperienced in the art of adapting my mind to minds very differently situated , and addressing them from suitable points of view . that i had not that delicate knowledge of the heart which must be essential to such a work . that i had much to learn , myself , before i could teach others , and that i could not confide in my good intentions alone . for these reasons i thought it best to be as useful as i could , and to render what kind services i could to those immediately about me , and to try to let that circle of duty gradually and naturally expand itself . all this i said with anything but confidence , because mrs . pardiggle was much older than i , and had great experience , and was so very military in her manners . you are wrong , miss summerson , said she , but perhaps you are not equal to hard work or the excitement of it , and that makes a vast difference . if you would like to see how i go through my work , i am now about  my young family  visit a brickmaker in the neighbourhood and shall be glad to take you with me . miss clare also , if she will do me the favour . ada and i interchanged looks , and as we were going out in any case , accepted the offer . when we hastily returned from putting on our bonnets , we found the young family languishing in a corner and mrs . pardiggle sweeping about the room , knocking down nearly all the light objects it contained . mrs . pardiggle took possession of ada , and i followed with the family . ada told me afterwards that mrs . pardiggle talked in the same loud tone all the way to the brickmakers about an exciting contest which she had for two or three years waged against another lady relative to the bringing in of their rival candidates for a pension somewhere . there had been a quantity of printing , and promising , and proxying , and polling , and it appeared to have imparted great liveliness to all concerned , except the pensioners  were not elected yet . i am very fond of being confided in by children and am happy in being usually favoured in that respect , but on this occasion it gave me great uneasiness . as soon as we were out of doors , egbert , with the manner of a little footpad , demanded a shilling of me on the ground that his pocket money was boned from him . on my pointing out the great impropriety of the word , especially in connexion with his parent he pinched me and said , oh , then . now . who are you . you wouldnt like it , i think . what does she make a sham for , and pretend to give me money , and take it away again . why do you call it my allowance , and never let me spend it . these exasperating questions so inflamed his mind and the minds of oswald and francis that they all pinched me at once , and in a dreadfully expert way  up such little pieces of my arms that i could hardly forbear crying out . felix , at the same time , stamped upon my toes . and the bond of joy , who on account of always having the whole of his little income anticipated stood in fact pledged to abstain from cakes as well as tobacco , so swelled with grief and rage when we passed a pastry cooks shop that he terrified me by becoming purple . i never underwent so much , both in body and mind , in the course of a walk with young people as from these unnaturally constrained children when they paid me the compliment of being natural . i was glad when we came to the brickmakers house , though it was one of a cluster of wretched hovels in a brick field, , with pigsties close to the broken windows and miserable little gardens before the doors growing nothing but stagnant pools . here and there an old tub was put to catch the droppings of rain water from a roof , or they were banked up with mud into a little pond like a large dirt pie . at the doors and windows some men and women lounged or prowled about , and took little notice of us except to laugh to one another or to say something as we passed about gentlefolks minding their own business and not troubling their heads and muddying their shoes with coming to look after other peoples . mrs . pardiggle , leading the way with a great show of moral determination and talking with much volubility about the untidy habits of the people though i doubted if the best of us could have been tidy in such a place , conducted us into a cottage at the farthest corner , the ground floor room of which we nearly filled . besides ourselves , there were in this damp , offensive room a woman with a black eye , nursing a poor little gasping baby by the fire a man , all stained with clay and mud and looking very dissipated , lying at full length on the ground , smoking a pipe a powerful young man fastening a collar on a dog and a bold girl doing some kind of washing in very dirty water . they all looked up at us as we came in , and the woman seemed to turn her face towards the fire as if to hide her bruised eye nobody gave us any welcome . well , my friends , said mrs . pardiggle , but her voice had not a friendly sound , i thought it was much too business like and systematic . how do you do , all of you . i am here again . i told you , couldnt tire me , you know . i am fond of hard work , and am true to my word . there ant , growled the man on the floor , whose head rested on his hand as he stared at us , any more on you to come in , is there . no , my friend , said mrs . pardiggle , seating herself on one stool and knocking down another . we are all here . because i thought there warnt enough of you , perhaps . said the man , with his pipe between his lips as he looked round upon us . the young man and the girl both laughed . two friends of the young man , whom we had attracted to the doorway and who stood there with their hands in their pockets , echoed the laugh noisily . you cant tire me , good people , said mrs . pardiggle to these latter . i enjoy hard work , and the harder you make mine , the better i like it . then make it easy for her . growled the man upon the floor . i wants it done , and over . i wants a end of these liberties took with my place . i wants an end of being drawed like a badger . now youre a going to poll pry and question according to custom  know what youre a going to be up to . well . you havent got no occasion to be up to it . ill save you the trouble . is my daughter a washin . yes , she is a washin . look at the water . smell it . thats wot we drinks . how do you like it , and what do you think of gin instead . ant my place dirty . yes , it is dirty  natrally dirty , and its natrally onwholesome and weve had five dirty and onwholesome children , as is all dead infants , and so much the better for them , and for us besides . have i read the little book wot you left . no , i ant read the little book wot you left . there ant nobody here as knows how to read it and if there wos , it wouldnt be suitable to me . its a book fit for a babby , and im not a babby . if you was to leave me a doll , i shouldnt nuss it . how have i been conducting of myself . why , ive been drunk for three days and ida been drunk four if ida had the money . dont i never mean for to go to church . no , i dont never mean for to go to church . i shouldnt be expected there , if i did the beadles too gen teel for me . and how did my wife get that black eye . why , i give it her and if she says i didnt , shes a lie . he had pulled his pipe out of his mouth to say all this , and he now turned over on his other side and smoked again . mrs . pardiggle , who had been regarding him through her spectacles with a forcible composure , calculated , i could not help thinking , to increase his antagonism , pulled out a good book as if it were a constables staff and took the whole family into custody . i mean into religious custody , of course but she really did it as if she were an inexorable moral policeman carrying them all off to a station house . ada and i were very uncomfortable . we both felt intrusive and out of place , and we both thought that mrs . pardiggle would have got on infinitely better if she had not had such a mechanical way of taking possession of people . the children sulked and stared the family took no notice of us whatever , except when the young man made the dog bark , which he usually did when mrs . pardiggle was most emphatic . we both felt painfully sensible that between us and these people there was an iron barrier which could not be removed by our new friend . by whom or how it could be removed , we did not know , but we knew that . even what she read and said seemed to us to be ill chosen for such auditors , if it had been imparted ever so modestly and with ever so much tact . as to the little book to which the man on the floor had referred , we acquired a knowledge of it afterwards , and mr . jarndyce said he doubted if robinson crusoe could have read it , though he had no other on his desolate island . we were much relieved , under these circumstances , when mrs . pardiggle left off . the man on the floor , then turning his head round again , said morosely , well . youve done , have you . for to day, , i have , my friend . but i am never fatigued . i shall come to you again in your regular order , returned mrs . pardiggle with demonstrative cheerfulness . so long as you goes now , said he , folding his arms and shutting his eyes with an oath , you may do wot you like . mrs . pardiggle accordingly rose and made a little vortex in the confined room from which the pipe itself very narrowly escaped . taking one of her young family in each hand , and telling the others to follow closely , and expressing her hope that the brickmaker and all his house would be improved when she saw them next , she then proceeded to another cottage . i hope it is not unkind in me to say that she certainly did make , in this as in everything else , a show that was not conciliatory of doing charity by wholesale and of dealing in it to a large extent . she supposed that we were following her , but as soon as the space was left clear , we approached the woman sitting by the fire to ask if the baby were ill . she only looked at it as it lay on her lap . we had observed before that when she looked at it she covered her discoloured eye with her hand , as though she wished to separate any association with noise and violence and ill treatment from the poor little child . ada , whose gentle heart was moved by its appearance , bent down to touch its little face . as she did so , i saw what happened and drew her back . the child died . oh , esther . cried ada , sinking on her knees beside it . look here . oh , esther , my love , the little thing . the suffering , quiet , pretty little thing . i am so sorry for it . i am so sorry for the mother . i never saw a sight so pitiful as this before . oh , baby , . such compassion , such gentleness , as that with which she bent down weeping and put her hand upon the mothers might have softened any mothers heart that ever beat . the woman at first gazed at her in astonishment and then burst into tears . presently i took the light burden from her lap , did what i could to make the babys rest the prettier and gentler , laid it on a shelf , and covered it with my own handkerchief . we tried to comfort the mother , and we whispered to her what our saviour said of children . she answered nothing , but sat weeping  very much . when i turned , i found that the young man had taken out the dog and was standing at the door looking in upon us with dry eyes , but quiet . the girl was quiet too and sat in a corner looking on the ground . the man had risen . he still smoked his pipe with an air of defiance , but he was silent . an ugly woman , very poorly clothed , hurried in while i was glancing at them , and coming straight up to the mother , said , jenny . jenny . the mother rose on being so addressed and fell upon the womans neck . she also had upon her face and arms the marks of ill usage . she had no kind of grace about her , but the grace of sympathy but when she condoled with the woman , and her own tears fell , she wanted no beauty . i say condoled , but her only words were jenny . jenny . all the rest was in the tone in which she said them . i thought it very touching to see these two women , coarse and shabby and beaten , so united to see what they could be to one another to see how they felt for one another , how the heart of each to each was softened by the hard trials of their lives . i think the best side of such people is almost hidden from us . what the poor are to the poor is little known , excepting to themselves and god . we felt it better to withdraw and leave them uninterrupted . we stole out quietly and without notice from any one except the man . he was leaning against the wall near the door , and finding that there was scarcely room for us to pass , went out before us . he seemed to want to hide that he did this on our account , but we perceived that he did , and thanked him . he made no answer . ada was so full of grief all the way home , and richard , whom we found at home , was so distressed to see her in tears though he said to me , when she was not present , how beautiful it was too . that we arranged to return at night with some little comforts and repeat our visit at the brick makers house . we said as little as we could to mr . jarndyce , but the wind changed directly . richard accompanied us at night to the scene of our morning expedition . on our way there , we had to pass a noisy drinking house, , where a number of men were flocking about the door . among them , and prominent in some dispute , was the father of the little child . at a short distance , we passed the young man and the dog , in congenial company . the sister was standing laughing and talking with some other young women at the corner of the row of cottages , but she seemed ashamed and turned away as we went by . we left our escort within sight of the brickmakers dwelling and proceeded by ourselves . when we came to the door , we found the woman who had brought such consolation with her standing there looking anxiously out . its you , young ladies , is it . she said in a whisper . im a watching for my master . my hearts in my mouth . if he was to catch me away from home , hed pretty near murder me . do you mean your husband . said i . yes , miss , my master . jennys asleep , quite worn out . shes scarcely had the child off her lap , poor thing , these seven days and nights , except when ive been able to take it for a minute or two . as she gave way for us , she went softly in and put what we had brought near the miserable bed on which the mother slept . no effort had been made to clean the room  seemed in its nature almost hopeless of being clean but the small waxen form from which so much solemnity diffused itself had been composed afresh , and washed , and neatly dressed in some fragments of white linen and on my handkerchief , which still covered the poor baby , a little bunch of sweet herbs had been laid by the same rough , scarred hands , so lightly , so tenderly . may heaven reward you . we said to her . you are a good woman . me , young ladies . she returned with surprise . hush . jenny , . the mother had moaned in her sleep and moved . the sound of the familiar voice seemed to calm her again . she was quiet once more . how little i thought , when i raised my handkerchief to look upon the tiny sleeper underneath and seemed to see a halo shine around the child through adas drooping hair as her pity bent her head  little i thought in whose unquiet bosom that handkerchief would come to lie after covering the motionless and peaceful breast . i only thought that perhaps the angel of the child might not be all unconscious of the woman who replaced it with so compassionate a hand not all unconscious of her presently , when we had taken leave , and left her at the door , by turns looking , and listening in terror for herself , and saying in her old soothing manner , jenny , . chapter ix signs and tokens i dont know how it is i seem to be always writing about myself . i mean all the time to write about other people , and i try to think about myself as little as possible , and i am sure , when i find myself coming into the story again , i am really vexed and say , dear , you tiresome little creature , i wish you wouldnt . but it is all of no use . i hope any one who may read what i write will understand that if these pages contain a great deal about me , i can only suppose it must be because i have really something to do with them and cant be kept out . my darling and i read together , and worked , and practised , and found so much employment for our time that the winter days flew by us like bright winged birds . generally in the afternoons , and always in the evenings , richard gave us his company . although he was one of the most restless creatures in the world , he certainly was very fond of our society . he was very , fond of ada . i mean it , and i had better say it at once . i had never seen any young people falling in love before , but i found them out quite soon . i could not say so , of course , or show that i knew anything about it . on the contrary , i was so demure and used to seem so unconscious that sometimes i considered within myself while i was sitting at work whether i was not growing quite deceitful . but there was no help for it . all i had to do was to be quiet , and i was as quiet as a mouse . they were as quiet as mice too , so far as any words were concerned , but the innocent manner in which they relied more and more upon me as they took more and more to one another was so charming that i had great difficulty in not showing how it interested me . our dear little old woman is such a capital old woman , richard would say , coming up to meet me in the garden early , with his pleasant laugh and perhaps the least tinge of a blush , that i cant get on without her . before i begin my harum scarum day  away at those books and instruments and then galloping up hill and down dale , all the country round , like a highwayman  does me so much good to come and have a steady walk with our comfortable friend , that here i am again . you know , dame durden , dear , ada would say at night , with her head upon my shoulder and the firelight shining in her thoughtful eyes , i dont want to talk when we come upstairs here . only to sit a little while thinking , with your dear face for company , and to hear the wind and remember the poor sailors at sea  ah . perhaps richard was going to be a sailor . we had talked it over very often now , and there was some talk of gratifying the inclination of his childhood for the sea . mr . jarndyce had written to a relation of the family , a great sir leicester dedlock , for his interest in richards favour , generally and sir leicester had replied in a gracious manner that he would be happy to advance the prospects of the young gentleman if it should ever prove to be within his power , which was not at all probable , and that my lady sent her compliments to the young gentleman to whom she perfectly remembered that she was allied by remote consanguinity and trusted that he would ever do his duty in any honourable profession to which he might devote himself . so i apprehend its pretty clear , said richard to me , that i shall have to work my own way . never mind . plenty of people have had to do that before now , and have done it . i only wish i had the command of a clipping privateer to begin with and could carry off the chancellor and keep him on short allowance until he gave judgment in our cause . hed find himself growing thin , if he didnt look sharp . with a buoyancy and hopefulness and a gaiety that hardly ever flagged , richard had a carelessness in his character that quite perplexed me , principally because he mistook it , in such a very odd way , for prudence . it entered into all his calculations about money in a singular manner which i dont think i can better explain than by reverting for a moment to our loan to mr . skimpole . mr . jarndyce had ascertained the amount , either from mr . skimpole himself or from coavinses , and had placed the money in my hands with instructions to me to retain my own part of it and hand the rest to richard . the number of little acts of thoughtless expenditure which richard justified by the recovery of his ten pounds , and the number of times he talked to me as if he had saved or realized that amount , would form a sum in simple addition . my prudent mother hubbard , why not . he said to me when he wanted , without the least consideration , to bestow five pounds on the brickmaker . i made ten pounds , clear , out of coavinses business . how was that . said i . why , i got rid of ten pounds which i was quite content to get rid of and never expected to see any more . you dont deny that . no , said i . very well . then i came into possession of ten pounds  the same ten pounds , i hinted . that has nothing to do with it . returned richard . i have got ten pounds more than i expected to have , and consequently i can afford to spend it without being particular . in exactly the same way , when he was persuaded out of the sacrifice of these five pounds by being convinced that it would do no good , he carried that sum to his credit and drew upon it . let me see . he would say . i saved five pounds out of the brickmakers affair , so if i have a good rattle to london and back in a post chaise and put that down at four pounds , i shall have saved one . and its a very good thing to save one , let me tell you a penny saved is a penny got . i believe richards was as frank and generous a nature as there possibly can be . he was ardent and brave , and in the midst of all his wild restlessness , was so gentle that i knew him like a brother in a few weeks . his gentleness was natural to him and would have shown itself abundantly even without adas influence but with it , he became one of the most winning of companions , always so ready to be interested and always so happy , sanguine , and light hearted . i am sure that i , sitting with them , and walking with them , and talking with them , and noticing from day to day how they went on , falling deeper and deeper in love , and saying nothing about it , and each shyly thinking that this love was the greatest of secrets , perhaps not yet suspected even by the other  am sure that i was scarcely less enchanted than they were and scarcely less pleased with the pretty dream . we were going on in this way , when one morning at breakfast mr . jarndyce received a letter , and looking at the superscription , said , from boythorn . aye , . and opened and read it with evident pleasure , announcing to us in a parenthesis when he was about half way through , that boythorn was coming down on a visit . now who was boythorn , we all thought . and i dare say we all thought too  am sure i did , for one  boythorn at all interfere with what was going forward . i went to school with this fellow , lawrence boythorn , said mr . jarndyce , tapping the letter as he laid it on the table , more than five and forty years ago . he was then the most impetuous boy in the world , and he is now the most impetuous man . he was then the loudest boy in the world , and he is now the loudest man . he was then the heartiest and sturdiest boy in the world , and he is now the heartiest and sturdiest man . he is a tremendous fellow . in stature , sir . asked richard . pretty well , rick , in that respect , said mr . jarndyce being some ten years older than i and a couple of inches taller , with his head thrown back like an old soldier , his stalwart chest squared , his hands like a clean blacksmiths , and his lungs . theres no simile for his lungs . talking , laughing , or snoring , they make the beams of the house shake . as mr . jarndyce sat enjoying the image of his friend boythorn , we observed the favourable omen that there was not the least indication of any change in the wind . but its the inside of the man , the warm heart of the man , the passion of the man , the fresh blood of the man , rick  ada , and little cobweb too , for you are all interested in a visitor  i speak of , he pursued . his language is as sounding as his voice . he is always in extremes , perpetually in the superlative degree . in his condemnation he is all ferocity . you might suppose him to be an ogre from what he says , and i believe he has the reputation of one with some people . there . i tell you no more of him beforehand . you must not be surprised to see him take me under his protection , for he has never forgotten that i was a low boy at school and that our friendship began in his knocking two of my head tyrants teeth out before breakfast . boythorn and his man , to me , will be here this afternoon , my dear . i took care that the necessary preparations were made for mr . boythorns reception , and we looked forward to his arrival with some curiosity . the afternoon wore away , however , and he did not appear . the dinner hour arrived , and still he did not appear . the dinner was put back an hour , and we were sitting round the fire with no light but the blaze when the hall door suddenly burst open and the hall resounded with these words , uttered with the greatest vehemence and in a stentorian tone we have been misdirected , jarndyce , by a most abandoned ruffian , who told us to take the turning to the right instead of to the left . he is the most intolerable scoundrel on the face of the earth . his father must have been a most consummate villain , ever to have such a son . i would have had that fellow shot without the least remorse . did he do it on purpose . mr . jarndyce inquired . i have not the slightest doubt that the scoundrel has passed his whole existence in misdirecting travellers . returned the other . by my soul , i thought him the worst looking dog i had ever beheld when he was telling me to take the turning to the right . and yet i stood before that fellow face to face and didnt knock his brains out . teeth , you mean . said mr . jarndyce . ha , . laughed mr . lawrence boythorn , really making the whole house vibrate . what , you have not forgotten it yet . ha , . and that was another most consummate vagabond . by my soul , the countenance of that fellow when he was a boy was the blackest image of perfidy , cowardice , and cruelty ever set up as a scarecrow in a field of scoundrels . if i were to meet that most unparalleled despot in the streets to morrow, , i would fell him like a rotten tree . i have no doubt of it , said mr . jarndyce . now , will you come upstairs . by my soul , jarndyce , returned his guest , who seemed to refer to his watch , if you had been married , i would have turned back at the garden gate and gone away to the remotest summits of the himalaya mountains sooner than i would have presented myself at this unseasonable hour . not quite so far , i hope . said mr . jarndyce . by my life and honour , yes . cried the visitor . i wouldnt be guilty of the audacious insolence of keeping a lady of the house waiting all this time for any earthly consideration . i would infinitely rather destroy myself  rather . talking thus , they went upstairs , and presently we heard him in his bedroom thundering ha , . and again ha , . until the flattest echo in the neighbourhood seemed to catch the contagion and to laugh as enjoyingly as he did or as we did when we heard him laugh . we all conceived a prepossession in his favour , for there was a sterling quality in this laugh , and in his vigorous , healthy voice , and in the roundness and fullness with which he uttered every word he spoke , and in the very fury of his superlatives , which seemed to go off like blank cannons and hurt nothing . but we were hardly prepared to have it so confirmed by his appearance when mr . jarndyce presented him . he was not only a very handsome old gentleman  and stalwart as he had been described to us  a massive grey head , a fine composure of face when silent , a figure that might have become corpulent but for his being so continually in earnest that he gave it no rest , and a chin that might have subsided into a double chin but for the vehement emphasis in which it was constantly required to assist but he was such a true gentleman in his manner , so chivalrously polite , his face was lighted by a smile of so much sweetness and tenderness , and it seemed so plain that he had nothing to hide , but showed himself exactly as he was  , as richard said , of anything on a limited scale , and firing away with those blank great guns because he carried no small arms whatever  really i could not help looking at him with equal pleasure as he sat at dinner , whether he smilingly conversed with ada and me , or was led by mr . jarndyce into some great volley of superlatives , or threw up his head like a bloodhound and gave out that tremendous ha , . you have brought your bird with you , i suppose . said mr . jarndyce . by heaven , he is the most astonishing bird in europe . replied the other . he is the most wonderful creature . i wouldnt take ten thousand guineas for that bird . i have left an annuity for his sole support in case he should outlive me . he is , in sense and attachment , a phenomenon . and his father before him was one of the most astonishing birds that ever lived . the subject of this laudation was a very little canary , who was so tame that he was brought down by mr . boythorns man , on his forefinger , and after taking a gentle flight round the room , alighted on his masters head . to hear mr . boythorn presently expressing the most implacable and passionate sentiments , with this fragile mite of a creature quietly perched on his forehead , was to have a good illustration of his character , i thought . by my soul , jarndyce , he said , very gently holding up a bit of bread to the canary to peck at , if i were in your place i would seize every master in chancery by the throat to morrow morning and shake him until his money rolled out of his pockets and his bones rattled in his skin . i would have a settlement out of somebody , by fair means or by foul . if you would empower me to do it , i would do it for you with the greatest satisfaction . all this time the very small canary was eating out of his hand . i thank you , lawrence , but the suit is hardly at such a point at present , returned mr . jarndyce , laughing , that it would be greatly advanced even by the legal process of shaking the bench and the whole bar . there never was such an infernal cauldron as that chancery on the face of the earth . said mr . boythorn . nothing but a mine below it on a busy day in term time , with all its records , rules , and precedents collected in it and every functionary belonging to it also , high and low , upward and downward , from its son the accountant general to its father the devil , and the whole blown to atoms with ten thousand hundredweight of gunpowder , would reform it in the least . it was impossible not to laugh at the energetic gravity with which he recommended this strong measure of reform . when we laughed , he threw up his head and shook his broad chest , and again the whole country seemed to echo to his ha , . it had not the least effect in disturbing the bird , whose sense of security was complete and who hopped about the table with its quick head now on this side and now on that , turning its bright sudden eye on its master as if he were no more than another bird . but how do you and your neighbour get on about the disputed right of way . said mr . jarndyce . you are not free from the toils of the law yourself . the fellow has brought actions against me for trespass , and i have brought actions against him for trespass , returned mr . boythorn . by heaven , he is the proudest fellow breathing . it is morally impossible that his name can be sir leicester . it must be sir lucifer . complimentary to our distant relation . said my guardian laughingly to ada and richard . i would beg miss clares pardon and mr . carstones pardon , resumed our visitor , if i were not reassured by seeing in the fair face of the lady and the smile of the gentleman that it is quite unnecessary and that they keep their distant relation at a comfortable distance . or he keeps us , suggested richard . by my soul , exclaimed mr . boythorn , suddenly firing another volley , that fellow is , and his father was , and his grandfather was , the most stiff necked, , arrogant imbecile , pig headed numskull , ever , by some inexplicable mistake of nature , born in any station of life but a walking sticks . the whole of that family are the most solemnly conceited and consummate blockheads . but its no matter he should not shut up my path if he were fifty baronets melted into one and living in a hundred chesney wolds , one within another , like the ivory balls in a chinese carving . the fellow , by his agent , or secretary , or somebody , writes to me sir leicester dedlock , baronet , presents his compliments to mr . lawrence boythorn , and has to call his attention to the fact that the green pathway by the old parsonage house, , now the property of mr . lawrence boythorn , is sir leicesters right of way , being in fact a portion of the park of chesney wold , and that sir leicester finds it convenient to close up the same . i write to the fellow , mr . lawrence boythorn presents his compliments to sir leicester dedlock , baronet , and has to call his attention to the fact that he totally denies the whole of sir leicester dedlocks positions on every possible subject and has to add , in reference to closing up the pathway , that he will be glad to see the man who may undertake to do it . the fellow sends a most abandoned villain with one eye to construct a gateway . i play upon that execrable scoundrel with a fire engine until the breath is nearly driven out of his body . the fellow erects a gate in the night . i chop it down and burn it in the morning . he sends his myrmidons to come over the fence and pass and repass . i catch them in humane man traps , fire split peas at their legs , play upon them with the engine  to free mankind from the insupportable burden of the existence of those lurking ruffians . he brings actions for trespass i bring actions for trespass . he brings actions for assault and battery i defend them and continue to assault and batter . ha , . to hear him say all this with unimaginable energy , one might have thought him the angriest of mankind . to see him at the very same time , looking at the bird now perched upon his thumb and softly smoothing its feathers with his forefinger , one might have thought him the gentlest . to hear him laugh and see the broad good nature of his face then , one might have supposed that he had not a care in the world , or a dispute , or a dislike , but that his whole existence was a summer joke . no , he said , no closing up of my paths by any dedlock . though i willingly confess , here he softened in a moment , that lady dedlock is the most accomplished lady in the world , to whom i would do any homage that a plain gentleman , and no baronet with a head seven hundred years thick , may . a man who joined his regiment at twenty and within a week challenged the most imperious and presumptuous coxcomb of a commanding officer that ever drew the breath of life through a tight waist  got broke for it  not the man to be walked over by all the sir lucifers , dead or alive , locked or unlocked . ha , . nor the man to allow his junior to be walked over either . said my guardian . most assuredly not . said mr . boythorn , clapping him on the shoulder with an air of protection that had something serious in it , though he laughed . he will stand by the low boy , always . jarndyce , you may rely upon him . but speaking of this trespass  apologies to miss clare and miss summerson for the length at which i have pursued so dry a subject  there nothing for me from your men kenge and carboy . i think not , esther . said mr . jarndyce . nothing , guardian . much obliged . said mr . boythorn . had no need to ask , after even my slight experience of miss summersons forethought for every one about her . i inquired because , coming from lincolnshire , i of course have not yet been in town , and i thought some letters might have been sent down here . i dare say they will report progress to morrow morning . i saw him so often in the course of the evening , which passed very pleasantly , contemplate richard and ada with an interest and a satisfaction that made his fine face remarkably agreeable as he sat at a little distance from the piano listening to the music  he had small occasion to tell us that he was passionately fond of music , for his face showed it  i asked my guardian as we sat at the backgammon board whether mr . boythorn had ever been married . no , said he . no . but he meant to be . said i . how did you find out that . he returned with a smile . why , guardian , i explained , not without reddening a little at hazarding what was in my thoughts , there is something so tender in his manner , after all , and he is so very courtly and gentle to us , and  mr . jarndyce directed his eyes to where he was sitting as i have just described him . i said no more . you are right , little woman , he answered . he was all but married once . long ago . and once . did the lady die . no  she died to him . that time has had its influence on all his later life . would you suppose him to have a head and a heart full of romance yet . i think , guardian , i might have supposed so . but it is easy to say that when you have told me so . he has never since been what he might have been , said mr . jarndyce , and now you see him in his age with no one near him but his servant and his little yellow friend . its your throw , my dear . i felt , from my guardians manner , that beyond this point i could not pursue the subject without changing the wind . i therefore forbore to ask any further questions . i was interested , but not curious . i thought a little while about this old love story in the night , when i was awakened by mr . boythorns lusty snoring and i tried to do that very difficult thing , imagine old people young again and invested with the graces of youth . but i fell asleep before i had succeeded , and dreamed of the days when i lived in my godmothers house . i am not sufficiently acquainted with such subjects to know whether it is at all remarkable that i almost always dreamed of that period of my life . with the morning there came a letter from messrs . kenge and carboy to mr . boythorn informing him that one of their clerks would wait upon him at noon . as it was the day of the week on which i paid the bills , and added up my books , and made all the household affairs as compact as possible , i remained at home while mr . jarndyce , ada , and richard took advantage of a very fine day to make a little excursion , mr . boythorn was to wait for kenge and carboys clerk and then was to go on foot to meet them on their return . well . i was full of business , examining tradesmens books , adding up columns , paying money , filing receipts , and i dare say making a great bustle about it when mr . guppy was announced and shown in . i had some idea that the clerk who was to be sent down might be the young gentleman who had met me at the coach office, , and i was glad to see him , because he was associated with my present happiness . i scarcely knew him again , he was so uncommonly smart . he had an entirely new suit of glossy clothes on , a shining hat , lilac kid gloves , a neckerchief of a variety of colours , a large hot house flower in his button hole, , and a thick gold ring on his little finger . besides which , he quite scented the dining room with bears grease and other perfumery . he looked at me with an attention that quite confused me when i begged him to take a seat until the servant should return and as he sat there crossing and uncrossing his legs in a corner , and i asked him if he had a pleasant ride , and hoped that mr . kenge was well , i never looked at him , but i found him looking at me in the same scrutinizing and curious way . when the request was brought to him that he would go upstairs to mr . boythorns room , i mentioned that he would find lunch prepared for him when he came down , of which mr . jarndyce hoped he would partake . he said with some embarrassment , holding the handle of the door , shall i have the honour of finding you here , miss . i replied yes , i should be there and he went out with a bow and another look . i thought him only awkward and shy , for he was evidently much embarrassed and i fancied that the best thing i could do would be to wait until i saw that he had everything he wanted and then to leave him to himself . the lunch was soon brought , but it remained for some time on the table . the interview with mr . boythorn was a long one , and a stormy one too , i should think , for although his room was at some distance i heard his loud voice rising every now and then like a high wind , and evidently blowing perfect broadsides of denunciation . at last mr . guppy came back , looking something the worse for the conference . my eye , miss , he said in a low voice , hes a tartar . pray take some refreshment , sir , said i . mr . guppy sat down at the table and began nervously sharpening the carving knife on the carving fork, , still looking at me as i felt quite sure without looking at him in the same unusual manner . the sharpening lasted so long that at last i felt a kind of obligation on me to raise my eyes in order that i might break the spell under which he seemed to labour , of not being able to leave off . he immediately looked at the dish and began to carve . what will you take yourself , miss . youll take a morsel of something . no , thank you , said i . shant i give you a piece of anything at all , miss . said mr . guppy , hurriedly drinking off a glass of wine . nothing , thank you , said i . i have only waited to see that you have everything you want . is there anything i can order for you . no , i am much obliged to you , miss , im sure . ive everything that i can require to make me comfortable  least i  comfortable  never that . he drank off two more glasses of wine , one after another . i thought i had better go . i beg your pardon , miss . said mr . guppy , rising when he saw me rise . but would you allow me the favour of a minutes private conversation . not knowing what to say , i sat down again . what follows is without prejudice , miss . said mr . guppy , anxiously bringing a chair towards my table . i dont understand what you mean , said i , wondering . its one of our law terms , miss . you wont make any use of it to my detriment at kenge and carboys or elsewhere . if our conversation shouldnt lead to anything , i am to be as i was and am not to be prejudiced in my situation or worldly prospects . in short , its in total confidence . i am at a loss , sir , said i , to imagine what you can have to communicate in total confidence to me , whom you have never seen but once but i should be very sorry to do you any injury . thank you , miss . im sure of it  quite sufficient . all this time mr . guppy was either planing his forehead with his handkerchief or tightly rubbing the palm of his left hand with the palm of his right . if you would excuse my taking another glass of wine , miss , i think it might assist me in getting on without a continual choke that cannot fail to be mutually unpleasant . he did so , and came back again . i took the opportunity of moving well behind my table . you wouldnt allow me to offer you one , would you miss . said mr . guppy , apparently refreshed . not any , said i . not half a glass . said mr . guppy . quarter . no . then , to proceed . my present salary , miss summerson , at kenge and carboys , is two pound a week . when i first had the happiness of looking upon you , it was one fifteen , and had stood at that figure for a lengthened period . a rise of five has since taken place , and a further rise of five is guaranteed at the expiration of a term not exceeding twelve months from the present date . my mother has a little property , which takes the form of a small life annuity , upon which she lives in an independent though unassuming manner in the old street road . she is eminently calculated for a mother in . she never interferes , is all for peace , and her disposition easy . she has her failings  who has not . i never knew her do it when company was present , at which time you may freely trust her with wines , spirits , or malt liquors . my own abode is lodgings at penton place , pentonville . it is lowly , but airy , open at the back , and considered one of the ealthiest outlets . miss summerson . in the mildest language , i adore you . would you be so kind as to allow me to file a declaration  make an offer . mr . guppy went down on his knees . i was well behind my table and not much frightened . i said , get up from that ridiculous position immediately , sir , or you will oblige me to break my implied promise and ring the bell . hear me out , miss . said mr . guppy , folding his hands . i cannot consent to hear another word , sir , i returned , unless you get up from the carpet directly and go and sit down at the table as you ought to do if you have any sense at all . he looked piteously , but slowly rose and did so . yet what a mockery it is , miss , he said with his hand upon his heart and shaking his head at me in a melancholy manner over the tray , to be stationed behind food at such a moment . the soul recoils from food at such a moment , miss . i beg you to conclude , said i you have asked me to hear you out , and i beg you to conclude . i will , miss , said mr . guppy . as i love and honour , so likewise i obey . would that i could make thee the subject of that vow before the shrine . that is quite impossible , said i , and entirely out of the question . i am aware , said mr . guppy , leaning forward over the tray and regarding me , as i again strangely felt , though my eyes were not directed to him , with his late intent look , i am aware that in a worldly point of view , according to all appearances , my offer is a poor one . but , miss summerson . angel . no , dont ring  have been brought up in a sharp school and am accustomed to a variety of general practice . though a young man , i have ferreted out evidence , got up cases , and seen lots of life . blest with your hand , what means might i not find of advancing your interests and pushing your fortunes . what might i not get to know , nearly concerning you . i know nothing now , certainly but what might i not if i had your confidence , and you set me on . i told him that he addressed my interest or what he supposed to be my interest quite as unsuccessfully as he addressed my inclination , and he would now understand that i requested him , if he pleased , to go away immediately . cruel miss , said mr . guppy , hear but another word . i think you must have seen that i was struck with those charms on the day when i waited at the whytorseller . i think you must have remarked that i could not forbear a tribute to those charms when i put up the steps of the ackney coach . it was a feeble tribute to thee , but it was well meant . thy image has ever since been fixed in my breast . i have walked up and down of an evening opposite jellybys house only to look upon the bricks that once contained thee . this out of to day, , quite an unnecessary out so far as the attendance , which was its pretended object , went , was planned by me alone for thee alone . if i speak of interest , it is only to recommend myself and my respectful wretchedness . love was before it , and is before it . i should be pained , mr . guppy , said i , rising and putting my hand upon the bell rope, , to do you or any one who was sincere the injustice of slighting any honest feeling , however disagreeably expressed . if you have really meant to give me a proof of your good opinion , though ill timed and misplaced , i feel that i ought to thank you . i have very little reason to be proud , and i am not proud . i hope , i think i added , without very well knowing what i said , that you will now go away as if you had never been so exceedingly foolish and attend to messrs . kenge and carboys business . half a minute , miss . cried mr . guppy , checking me as i was about to ring . this has been without prejudice . i will never mention it , said i , unless you should give me future occasion to do so . a quarter of a minute , miss . in case you should think better at any time , however distant  no consequence , for my feelings can never alter  anything i have said , particularly what might i not do , mr . william guppy , eighty seven, , penton place , or if removed , or dead care of mrs . guppy , three hundred and two , old street road , will be sufficient . i rang the bell , the servant came , and mr . guppy , laying his written card upon the table and making a dejected bow , departed . raising my eyes as he went out , i once more saw him looking at me after he had passed the door . i sat there for another hour or more , finishing my books and payments and getting through plenty of business . then i arranged my desk , and put everything away , and was so composed and cheerful that i thought i had quite dismissed this unexpected incident . but , when i went upstairs to my own room , i surprised myself by beginning to laugh about it and then surprised myself still more by beginning to cry about it . in short , i was in a flutter for a little while and felt as if an old chord had been more coarsely touched than it ever had been since the days of the dear old doll , long buried in the garden . chapter x the law writer on the eastern borders of chancery lane , that is to say , more particularly in cooks court , cursitor street , mr . snagsby , law stationer, , pursues his lawful calling . in the shade of cooks court , at most times a shady place , mr . snagsby has dealt in all sorts of blank forms of legal process in skins and rolls of parchment in paper  , brief , draft , brown , white , whitey brown, , and blotting in stamps in office quills, , pens , ink , india rubber, , pounce , pins , pencils , sealing wax, , and wafers in red tape and green ferret in pocket books, , almanacs , diaries , and law lists in string boxes , rulers , inkstands  and leaden  , scissors , bodkins , and other small office cutlery in short , in articles too numerous to mention , ever since he was out of his time and went into partnership with peffer . on that occasion , cooks court was in a manner revolutionized by the new inscription in fresh paint , peffer and snagsby , displacing the time honoured and not easily to be deciphered legend peffer only . for smoke , which is the london ivy , had so wreathed itself round peffers name and clung to his dwelling place that the affectionate parasite quite overpowered the parent tree . peffer is never seen in cooks court now . he is not expected there , for he has been recumbent this quarter of a century in the churchyard of st . andrews , holborn , with the waggons and hackney coaches roaring past him all the day and half the night like one great dragon . if he ever steal forth when the dragon is at rest to air himself again in cooks court until admonished to return by the crowing of the sanguine cock in the cellar at the little dairy in cursitor street , whose ideas of daylight it would be curious to ascertain , since he knows from his personal observation next to nothing about it  peffer ever do revisit the pale glimpses of cooks court , which no law stationer in the trade can positively deny , he comes invisibly , and no one is the worse or wiser . in his lifetime , and likewise in the period of snagsbys time of seven long years , there dwelt with peffer in the same law stationering premises a niece  short , shrewd niece , something too violently compressed about the waist , and with a sharp nose like a sharp autumn evening , inclining to be frosty towards the end . the cooks courtiers had a rumour flying among them that the mother of this niece did , in her daughters childhood , moved by too jealous a solicitude that her figure should approach perfection , lace her up every morning with her maternal foot against the bed post for a stronger hold and purchase and further , that she exhibited internally pints of vinegar and lemon juice, , which acids , they held , had mounted to the nose and temper of the patient . with whichsoever of the many tongues of rumour this frothy report originated , it either never reached or never influenced the ears of young snagsby , who , having wooed and won its fair subject on his arrival at mans estate , entered into two partnerships at once . so now , in cooks court , cursitor street , mr . snagsby and the niece are one and the niece still cherishes her figure , which , however tastes may differ , is unquestionably so far precious that there is mighty little of it . mr . and mrs . snagsby are not only one bone and one flesh , but , to the neighbours thinking , one voice too . that voice , appearing to proceed from mrs . snagsby alone , is heard in cooks court very often . mr . snagsby , otherwise than as he finds expression through these dulcet tones , is rarely heard . he is a mild , bald , timid man with a shining head and a scrubby clump of black hair sticking out at the back . he tends to meekness and obesity . as he stands at his door in cooks court in his grey shop coat and black calico sleeves , looking up at the clouds , or stands behind a desk in his dark shop with a heavy flat ruler , snipping and slicing at sheepskin in company with his two prentices , he is emphatically a retiring and unassuming man . from beneath his feet , at such times , as from a shrill ghost unquiet in its grave , there frequently arise complainings and lamentations in the voice already mentioned and haply , on some occasions when these reach a sharper pitch than usual , mr . snagsby mentions to the prentices , i think my little woman is a giving it to guster . this proper name , so used by mr . snagsby , has before now sharpened the wit of the cooks courtiers to remark that it ought to be the name of mrs . snagsby , seeing that she might with great force and expression be termed a guster , in compliment to her stormy character . it is , however , the possession , and the only possession except fifty shillings per annum and a very small box indifferently filled with clothing , of a lean young woman from a workhouse by some supposed to have been christened augusta who , although she was farmed or contracted for during her growing time by an amiable benefactor of his species resident at tooting , and cannot fail to have been developed under the most favourable circumstances , has fits , which the parish cant account for . guster , really aged three or four and twenty , but looking a round ten years older , goes cheap with this unaccountable drawback of fits , and is so apprehensive of being returned on the hands of her patron saint that except when she is found with her head in the pail , or the sink , or the copper , or the dinner , or anything else that happens to be near her at the time of her seizure , she is always at work . she is a satisfaction to the parents and guardians of the prentices , who feel that there is little danger of her inspiring tender emotions in the breast of youth she is a satisfaction to mrs . snagsby , who can always find fault with her she is a satisfaction to mr . snagsby , who thinks it a charity to keep her . the law stationers establishment is , in gusters eyes , a temple of plenty and splendour . she believes the little drawing room upstairs , always kept , as one may say , with its hair in papers and its pinafore on , to be the most elegant apartment in christendom . the view it commands of cooks court at one end and of coavinses the sheriffs officers backyard at the other she regards as a prospect of unequalled beauty . the portraits it displays in oil  plenty of it too  mr . snagsby looking at mrs . snagsby and of mrs . snagsby looking at mr . snagsby are in her eyes as achievements of raphael or titian . guster has some recompenses for her many privations . mr . snagsby refers everything not in the practical mysteries of the business to mrs . snagsby . she manages the money , reproaches the tax gatherers, , appoints the times and places of devotion on sundays , licenses mr . snagsbys entertainments , and acknowledges no responsibility as to what she thinks fit to provide for dinner , insomuch that she is the high standard of comparison among the neighbouring wives a long way down chancery lane on both sides , and even out in holborn , who in any domestic passages of arms habitually call upon their husbands to look at the difference between their the wives position and mrs . snagsbys , and their behaviour and mr . snagsbys . rumour , always flying bat like about cooks court and skimming in and out at everybodys windows , does say that mrs . snagsby is jealous and inquisitive and that mr . snagsby is sometimes worried out of house and home , and that if he had the spirit of a mouse he wouldnt stand it . it is even observed that the wives who quote him to their self willed husbands as a shining example in reality look down upon him and that nobody does so with greater superciliousness than one particular lady whose lord is more than suspected of laying his umbrella on her as an instrument of correction . but these vague whisperings may arise from mr . snagsbys being in his way rather a meditative and poetical man , loving to walk in staple inn in the summer time and to observe how countrified the sparrows and the leaves are , also to lounge about the rolls yard of a sunday afternoon and to remark that there were old times once and that youd find a stone coffin or two now under that chapel , hell be bound , if you was to dig for it . he solaces his imagination , too , by thinking of the many chancellors and vices , and masters of the rolls who are deceased and he gets such a flavour of the country out of telling the two prentices how he has heard say that a brook as clear as crystal once ran right down the middle of holborn , when turnstile really was a turnstile , leading slap away into the meadows  such a flavour of the country out of this that he never wants to go there . the day is closing in and the gas is lighted , but is not yet fully effective , for it is not quite dark . mr . snagsby standing at his shop door looking up at the clouds sees a crow who is out late skim westward over the slice of sky belonging to cooks court . the crow flies straight across chancery lane and lincolns inn garden into lincolns inn fields . here , in a large house , formerly a house of state , lives mr . tulkinghorn . it is let off in sets of chambers now , and in those shrunken fragments of its greatness , lawyers lie like maggots in nuts . but its roomy staircases , passages , and antechambers still remain and even its painted ceilings , where allegory , in roman helmet and celestial linen , sprawls among balustrades and pillars , flowers , clouds , and big legged boys , and makes the head ache  would seem to be allegorys object always , more or less . here , among his many boxes labelled with transcendent names , lives mr . tulkinghorn , when not speechlessly at home in country houses where the great ones of the earth are bored to death . here he is to day, , quiet at his table . an oyster of the old school whom nobody can open . like as he is to look at , so is his apartment in the dusk of the present afternoon . rusty , out of date , withdrawing from attention , able to afford it . heavy , broad backed, , old fashioned, , mahogany and chairs , not easily lifted obsolete tables with spindle legs and dusty baize covers presentation prints of the holders of great titles in the last generation or the last but one , environ him . a thick and dingy turkey carpet muffles the floor where he sits , attended by two candles in old fashioned silver candlesticks that give a very insufficient light to his large room . the titles on the backs of his books have retired into the binding everything that can have a lock has got one no key is visible . very few loose papers are about . he has some manuscript near him , but is not referring to it . with the round top of an inkstand and two broken bits of sealing wax he is silently and slowly working out whatever train of indecision is in his mind . now the inkstand top is in the middle , now the red bit of sealing wax, , now the black bit . thats not it . mr . tulkinghorn must gather them all up and begin again . here , beneath the painted ceiling , with foreshortened allegory staring down at his intrusion as if it meant to swoop upon him , and he cutting it dead , mr . tulkinghorn has at once his house and office . he keeps no staff , only one middle aged man , usually a little out at elbows , who sits in a high pew in the hall and is rarely overburdened with business . mr . tulkinghorn is not in a common way . he wants no clerks . he is a great reservoir of confidences , not to be so tapped . his clients want him he is all in all . drafts that he requires to be drawn are drawn by special pleaders in the temple on mysterious instructions fair copies that he requires to be made are made at the stationers , expense being no consideration . the middle aged man in the pew knows scarcely more of the affairs of the peerage than any crossing sweeper in holborn . the red bit , the black bit , the inkstand top , the other inkstand top , the little sand box . so . you to the middle , you to the right , you to the left . this train of indecision must surely be worked out now or never . now . mr . tulkinghorn gets up , adjusts his spectacles , puts on his hat , puts the manuscript in his pocket , goes out , tells the middle aged man out at elbows , i shall be back presently . very rarely tells him anything more explicit . mr . tulkinghorn goes , as the crow came  quite so straight , but nearly  cooks court , cursitor street . to snagsbys , law stationers, , deeds engrossed and copied , law writing executed in all its branches , c . c . c . it is somewhere about five or six oclock in the afternoon , and a balmy fragrance of warm tea hovers in cooks court . it hovers about snagsbys door . the hours are early there dinner at half past one and supper at half past nine . mr . snagsby was about to descend into the subterranean regions to take tea when he looked out of his door just now and saw the crow who was out late . master at home . guster is minding the shop , for the prentices take tea in the kitchen with mr . and mrs . snagsby consequently , the robe makers two daughters , combing their curls at the two glasses in the two second floor windows of the opposite house , are not driving the two prentices to distraction as they fondly suppose , but are merely awakening the unprofitable admiration of guster , whose hair wont grow , and never would , and it is confidently thought , never will . master at home . says mr . tulkinghorn . master is at home , and guster will fetch him . guster disappears , glad to get out of the shop , which she regards with mingled dread and veneration as a storehouse of awful implements of the great torture of the law  place not to be entered after the gas is turned off . mr . snagsby appears , greasy , warm , herbaceous , and chewing . bolts a bit of bread and butter . says , bless my soul , sir . mr . tulkinghorn . i want half a word with you , snagsby . certainly , sir . dear me , sir , why didnt you send your young man round for me . pray walk into the back shop , sir . snagsby has brightened in a moment . the confined room , strong of parchment grease, , is warehouse , counting house, , and copying office . mr . tulkinghorn sits , facing round , on a stool at the desk . jarndyce and jarndyce , snagsby . yes , sir . mr . snagsby turns up the gas and coughs behind his hand , modestly anticipating profit . mr . snagsby , as a timid man , is accustomed to cough with a variety of expressions , and so to save words . you copied some affidavits in that cause for me lately . yes , sir , we did . there was one of them , says mr . tulkinghorn , carelessly feeling  , unopenable oyster of the old school . the wrong coat pocket, , the handwriting of which is peculiar , and i rather like . as i happened to be passing , and thought i had it about me , i looked in to ask you  i havent got it . no matter , any other time will do . ah . here it is . i looked in to ask you who copied this . who copied this , sir . says mr . snagsby , taking it , laying it flat on the desk , and separating all the sheets at once with a twirl and a twist of the left hand peculiar to lawstationers . we gave this out , sir . we were giving out rather a large quantity of work just at that time . i can tell you in a moment who copied it , sir , by referring to my book . mr . snagsby takes his book down from the safe , makes another bolt of the bit of bread and butter which seemed to have stopped short , eyes the affidavit aside , and brings his right forefinger travelling down a page of the book , jewby  . jarndyce . here we are , sir , says mr . snagsby . to be sure . i might have remembered it . this was given out , sir , to a writer who lodges just over on the opposite side of the lane . mr . tulkinghorn has seen the entry , found it before the law stationer, , read it while the forefinger was coming down the hill . what do you call him . nemo . says mr . tulkinghorn . nemo , sir . here it is . forty two folio . given out on the wednesday night at eight oclock , brought in on the thursday morning at half after nine . nemo . repeats mr . tulkinghorn . nemo is latin for no one . it must be english for some one , sir , i think , mr . snagsby submits with his deferential cough . it is a persons name . here it is , you see , sir . forty two folio . given out wednesday night , eight oclock brought in thursday morning , half after nine . the tail of mr . snagsbys eye becomes conscious of the head of mrs . snagsby looking in at the shop door to know what he means by deserting his tea . mr . snagsby addresses an explanatory cough to mrs . snagsby , as who should say , my dear , a customer . half after nine , sir , repeats mr . snagsby . our law writers, , who live by job work, , are a queer lot and this may not be his name , but its the name he goes by . i remember now , sir , that he gives it in a written advertisement he sticks up down at the rule office , and the kings bench office , and the judges chambers , and so forth . you know the kind of document , sir  employ . mr . tulkinghorn glances through the little window at the back of coavinses , the sheriffs officers , where lights shine in coavinses windows . coavinses coffee room is at the back , and the shadows of several gentlemen under a cloud loom cloudily upon the blinds . mr . snagsby takes the opportunity of slightly turning his head to glance over his shoulder at his little woman and to make apologetic motions with his mouth to this effect tul king . have you given this man work before . asks mr . tulkinghorn . oh , dear , yes , sir . work of yours . thinking of more important matters , i forget where you said he lived . across the lane , sir . in fact , he lodges at a  mr . snagsby makes another bolt , as if the bit of bread and buffer were insurmountable a rag and bottle shop . can you show me the place as i go back . with the greatest pleasure , sir . mr . snagsby pulls off his sleeves and his grey coat , pulls on his black coat , takes his hat from its peg . oh . here is my little woman . he says aloud . my dear , will you be so kind as to tell one of the lads to look after the shop while i step across the lane with mr . tulkinghorn . mrs . snagsby , sir  shant be two minutes , my love . mrs . snagsby bends to the lawyer , retires behind the counter , peeps at them through the window blind, , goes softly into the back office , refers to the entries in the book still lying open . is evidently curious . you will find that the place is rough , sir , says mr . snagsby , walking deferentially in the road and leaving the narrow pavement to the lawyer and the party is very rough . but theyre a wild lot in general , sir . the advantage of this particular man is that he never wants sleep . hell go at it right on end if you want him to , as long as ever you like . it is quite dark now , and the gas lamps have acquired their full effect . jostling against clerks going to post the days letters , and against counsel and attorneys going home to dinner , and against plaintiffs and defendants and suitors of all sorts , and against the general crowd , in whose way the forensic wisdom of ages has interposed a million of obstacles to the transaction of the commonest business of life diving through law and equity , and through that kindred mystery , the street mud , which is made of nobody knows what and collects about us nobody knows whence or how  only knowing in general that when there is too much of it we find it necessary to shovel it away  lawyer and the law stationer come to a rag and bottle shop and general emporium of much disregarded merchandise , lying and being in the shadow of the wall of lincolns inn , and kept , as is announced in paint , to all whom it may concern , by one krook . this is where he lives , sir , says the law stationer . this is where he lives , is it . says the lawyer unconcernedly . thank you . are you not going in , sir . no , thank you , no i am going on to the fields at present . good evening . thank you . mr . snagsby lifts his hat and returns to his little woman and his tea . but mr . tulkinghorn does not go on to the fields at present . he goes a short way , turns back , comes again to the shop of mr . krook , and enters it straight . it is dim enough , with a blot headed candle or so in the windows , and an old man and a cat sitting in the back part by a fire . the old man rises and comes forward , with another blot headed candle in his hand . pray is your lodger within . male or female , sir . says mr . krook . male . the person who does copying . mr . krook has eyed his man narrowly . knows him by sight . has an indistinct impression of his aristocratic repute . did you wish to see him , sir . yes . its what i seldom do myself , says mr . krook with a grin . shall i call him down . but its a weak chance if hed come , sir . ill go up to him , then , says mr . tulkinghorn . second floor , sir . take the candle . up there . mr . krook , with his cat beside him , stands at the bottom of the staircase , looking after mr . tulkinghorn . hi hi . he says when mr . tulkinghorn has nearly disappeared . the lawyer looks down over the hand rail . the cat expands her wicked mouth and snarls at him . order , lady jane . behave yourself to visitors , my lady . you know what they say of my lodger . whispers krook , going up a step or two . what do they say of him . they say he has sold himself to the enemy , but you and i know better  dont buy . ill tell you what , though my lodger is so black humoured and gloomy that i believe hed as soon make that bargain as any other . dont put him out , sir . thats my advice . mr . tulkinghorn with a nod goes on his way . he comes to the dark door on the second floor . he knocks , receives no answer , opens it , and accidentally extinguishes his candle in doing so . the air of the room is almost bad enough to have extinguished it if he had not . it is a small room , nearly black with soot , and grease , and dirt . in the rusty skeleton of a grate , pinched at the middle as if poverty had gripped it , a red coke fire burns low . in the corner by the chimney stand a deal table and a broken desk , a wilderness marked with a rain of ink . in another corner a ragged old portmanteau on one of the two chairs serves for cabinet or wardrobe no larger one is needed , for it collapses like the cheeks of a starved man . the floor is bare , except that one old mat , trodden to shreds of rope yarn, , lies perishing upon the hearth . no curtain veils the darkness of the night , but the discoloured shutters are drawn together , and through the two gaunt holes pierced in them , famine might be staring in  banshee of the man upon the bed . for , on a low bed opposite the fire , a confusion of dirty patchwork , lean ribbed ticking , and coarse sacking , the lawyer , hesitating just within the doorway , sees a man . he lies there , dressed in shirt and trousers , with bare feet . he has a yellow look in the spectral darkness of a candle that has guttered down until the whole length of its wick has doubled over and left a tower of winding sheet above it . his hair is ragged , mingling with his whiskers and his beard  latter , ragged too , and grown , like the scum and mist around him , in neglect . foul and filthy as the room is , foul and filthy as the air is , it is not easy to perceive what fumes those are which most oppress the senses in it but through the general sickliness and faintness , and the odour of stale tobacco , there comes into the lawyers mouth the bitter , vapid taste of opium . hallo , my friend . he cries , and strikes his iron candlestick against the door . he thinks he has awakened his friend . he lies a little turned away , but his eyes are surely open . hallo , my friend . he cries again . hallo . hallo . as he rattles on the door , the candle which has drooped so long goes out and leaves him in the dark , with the gaunt eyes in the shutters staring down upon the bed . chapter xi our dear brother a touch on the lawyers wrinkled hand as he stands in the dark room , irresolute , makes him start and say , whats that . its me , returns the old man of the house , whose breath is in his ear . cant you wake him . no . what have you done with your candle . its gone out . here it is . krook takes it , goes to the fire , stoops over the red embers , and tries to get a light . the dying ashes have no light to spare , and his endeavours are vain . muttering , after an ineffectual call to his lodger , that he will go downstairs and bring a lighted candle from the shop , the old man departs . mr . tulkinghorn , for some new reason that he has , does not await his return in the room , but on the stairs outside . the welcome light soon shines upon the wall , as krook comes slowly up with his green eyed cat following at his heels . does the man generally sleep like this . inquired the lawyer in a low voice . hi . i dont know , says krook , shaking his head and lifting his eyebrows . i know next to nothing of his habits except that he keeps himself very close . thus whispering , they both go in together . as the light goes in , the great eyes in the shutters , darkening , seem to close . not so the eyes upon the bed . god save us . exclaims mr . tulkinghorn . he is dead . krook drops the heavy hand he has taken up so suddenly that the arm swings over the bedside . they look at one another for a moment . send for some doctor . call for miss flite up the stairs , sir . heres poison by the bed . call out for flite , will you . says krook , with his lean hands spread out above the body like a vampires wings . mr . tulkinghorn hurries to the landing and calls , miss flite . flite . make haste , here , whoever you are . flite . krook follows him with his eyes , and while he is calling , finds opportunity to steal to the old portmanteau and steal back again . run , flite , run . the nearest doctor . run . so mr . krook addresses a crazy little woman who is his female lodger , who appears and vanishes in a breath , who soon returns accompanied by a testy medical man brought from his dinner , with a broad , snuffy upper lip and a broad scotch tongue . ey . bless the hearts o ye , says the medical man , looking up at them after a moments examination . hes just as dead as phairy . mr . tulkinghorn inquires if he has been dead any time . any time , sir . says the medical gentleman . its probable he wull have been dead aboot three hours . about that time , i should say , observes a dark young man on the other side of the bed . air you in the maydickle prayfession yourself , sir . inquires the first . the dark young man says yes . then ill just tak my depairture , replies the other , for im nae gude here . with which remark he finishes his brief attendance and returns to finish his dinner . the dark young surgeon passes the candle across and across the face and carefully examines the law writer, , who has established his pretensions to his name by becoming indeed no one . i knew this person by sight very well , says he . he has purchased opium of me for the last year and a half . was anybody present related to him . glancing round upon the three bystanders . i was his landlord , grimly answers krook , taking the candle from the surgeons outstretched hand . he told me once i was the nearest relation he had . he has died , says the surgeon , of an over dose of opium , there is no doubt . the room is strongly flavoured with it . there is enough here now , taking an old tea pot from mr . krook , to kill a dozen people . do you think he did it on purpose . asks krook . took the over dose . yes . krook almost smacks his lips with the unction of a horrible interest . i cant say . i should think it unlikely , as he has been in the habit of taking so much . but nobody can tell . he was very poor , i suppose . i suppose he was . his room  look rich , says krook , who might have changed eyes with his cat , as he casts his sharp glance around . but i have never been in it since he had it , and he was too close to name his circumstances to me . did he owe you any rent . six weeks . he will never pay it . says the young man , resuming his examination . it is beyond a doubt that he is indeed as dead as pharaoh and to judge from his appearance and condition , i should think it a happy release . yet he must have been a good figure when a youth , and i dare say , good looking . he says this , not unfeelingly , while sitting on the bedsteads edge with his face towards that other face and his hand upon the region of the heart . i recollect once thinking there was something in his manner , uncouth as it was , that denoted a fall in life . was that so . he continues , looking round . krook replies , you might as well ask me to describe the ladies whose heads of hair i have got in sacks downstairs . than that he was my lodger for a year and a half and lived  didnt live  law writing, , i know no more of him . during this dialogue mr . tulkinghorn has stood aloof by the old portmanteau , with his hands behind him , equally removed , to all appearance , from all three kinds of interest exhibited near the bed  the young surgeons professional interest in death , noticeable as being quite apart from his remarks on the deceased as an individual from the old mans unction and the little crazy womans awe . his imperturbable face has been as inexpressive as his rusty clothes . one could not even say he has been thinking all this while . he has shown neither patience nor impatience , nor attention nor abstraction . he has shown nothing but his shell . as easily might the tone of a delicate musical instrument be inferred from its case , as the tone of mr . tulkinghorn from his case . he now interposes , addressing the young surgeon in his unmoved , professional way . i looked in here , he observes , just before you , with the intention of giving this deceased man , whom i never saw alive , some employment at his trade of copying . i had heard of him from my stationer  of cooks court . since no one here knows anything about him , it might be as well to send for snagsby . ah . to the little crazy woman , who has often seen him in court , and whom he has often seen , and who proposes , in frightened dumb show, , to go for the law stationer . suppose you do . while she is gone , the surgeon abandons his hopeless investigation and covers its subject with the patchwork counterpane . mr . krook and he interchange a word or two . mr . tulkinghorn says nothing , but stands , ever , near the old portmanteau . mr . snagsby arrives hastily in his grey coat and his black sleeves . dear me , dear me , he says and it has come to this , has it . bless my soul . can you give the person of the house any information about this unfortunate creature , snagsby . inquires mr . tulkinghorn . he was in arrears with his rent , it seems . and he must be buried , you know . well , sir , says mr . snagsby , coughing his apologetic cough behind his hand , i really dont know what advice i could offer , except sending for the beadle . i dont speak of advice , returns mr . tulkinghorn . i could advise  no one better , sir , i am sure , says mr . snagsby , with his deferential cough . i speak of affording some clue to his connexions , or to where he came from , or to anything concerning him . i assure you , sir , says mr . snagsby after prefacing his reply with his cough of general propitiation , that i no more know where he came from than i know  where he has gone to , perhaps , suggests the surgeon to help him out . a pause . mr . tulkinghorn looking at the law stationer . mr . krook , with his mouth open , looking for somebody to speak next . as to his connexions , sir , says mr . snagsby , if a person was to say to me , snagsby , heres twenty thousand pound down , ready for you in the bank of england if youll only name one of em , i couldnt do it , sir . about a year and a half ago  the best of my belief , at the time when he first came to lodge at the present rag and bottle shop  that was the time . says krook with a nod . about a year and a half ago , says mr . snagsby , strengthened , he came into our place one morning after breakfast , and finding my little woman in our shop , produced a specimen of his handwriting and gave her to understand that he was in want of copying work to do and was , not to put too fine a point upon it , a favourite apology for plain speaking with mr . snagsby , which he always offers with a sort of argumentative frankness , hard up . my little woman is not in general partial to strangers , particular  to put too fine a point upon it  they want anything . but she was rather took by something about this person , whether by his being unshaved , or by his hair being in want of attention , or by what other ladies reasons , i leave you to judge and she accepted of the specimen , and likewise of the address . my little woman hasnt a good ear for names , proceeds mr . snagsby after consulting his cough of consideration behind his hand , and she considered nemo equally the same as nimrod . in consequence of which , she got into a habit of saying to me at meals , mr . snagsby , you havent found nimrod any work yet . or mr . snagsby , why didnt you give that eight and thirty chancery folio in jarndyce to nimrod . or such like . and that is the way he gradually fell into job work at our place and that is the most i know of him except that he was a quick hand , and a hand not sparing of night work, , and that if you gave him out , say , five and forty folio on the wednesday night , you would have it brought in on the thursday morning . all of which  mr . snagsby concludes by politely motioning with his hat towards the bed , as much as to add , i have no doubt my honourable friend would confirm if he were in a condition to do it . hadnt you better see , says mr . tulkinghorn to krook , whether he had any papers that may enlighten you . there will be an inquest , and you will be asked the question . you can read . no , i cant , returns the old man with a sudden grin . snagsby , says mr . tulkinghorn , look over the room for him . he will get into some trouble or difficulty otherwise . being here , ill wait if you make haste , and then i can testify on his behalf , if it should ever be necessary , that all was fair and right . if you will hold the candle for mr . snagsby , my friend , hell soon see whether there is anything to help you . in the first place , heres an old portmanteau , sir , says snagsby . ah , to be sure , so there is . mr . tulkinghorn does not appear to have seen it before , though he is standing so close to it , and though there is very little else , heaven knows . the marine store merchant holds the light , and the law stationer conducts the search . the surgeon leans against the corner of the chimney piece miss flite peeps and trembles just within the door . the apt old scholar of the old school , with his dull black breeches tied with ribbons at the knees , his large black waistcoat , his long sleeved black coat , and his wisp of limp white neckerchief tied in the bow the peerage knows so well , stands in exactly the same place and attitude . there are some worthless articles of clothing in the old portmanteau there is a bundle of pawnbrokers duplicates , those turnpike tickets on the road of poverty there is a crumpled paper , smelling of opium , on which are scrawled rough memoranda  , took , such a day , so many grains took , such another day , so many more  some time ago , as if with the intention of being regularly continued , but soon left off . there are a few dirty scraps of newspapers , all referring to coroners inquests there is nothing else . they search the cupboard and the drawer of the ink splashed table . there is not a morsel of an old letter or of any other writing in either . the young surgeon examines the dress on the law writer . a knife and some odd halfpence are all he finds . mr . snagsbys suggestion is the practical suggestion after all , and the beadle must be called in . so the little crazy lodger goes for the beadle , and the rest come out of the room . dont leave the cat there . says the surgeon that wont do . mr . krook therefore drives her out before him , and she goes furtively downstairs , winding her lithe tail and licking her lips . good night . says mr . tulkinghorn , and goes home to allegory and meditation . by this time the news has got into the court . groups of its inhabitants assemble to discuss the thing , and the outposts of the army of observation are pushed forward to mr . krooks window , which they closely invest . a policeman has already walked up to the room , and walked down again to the door , where he stands like a tower , only condescending to see the boys at his base occasionally but whenever he does see them , they quail and fall back . mrs . perkins , who has not been for some weeks on speaking terms with mrs . piper in consequence for an unpleasantness originating in young perkins having fetched young piper a crack , renews her friendly intercourse on this auspicious occasion . the potboy at the corner , who is a privileged amateur , as possessing official knowledge of life and having to deal with drunken men occasionally , exchanges confidential communications with the policeman and has the appearance of an impregnable youth , unassailable by truncheons and unconfinable in station houses . people talk across the court out of window , and bare headed scouts come hurrying in from chancery lane to know whats the matter . the general feeling seems to be that its a blessing mr . krook warnt made away with first , mingled with a little natural disappointment that he was not . in the midst of this sensation , the beadle arrives . the beadle , though generally understood in the neighbourhood to be a ridiculous institution , is not without a certain popularity for the moment , if it were only as a man who is going to see the body . the policeman considers him an imbecile civilian , a remnant of the barbarous watchmen times , but gives him admission as something that must be borne with until government shall abolish him . the sensation is heightened as the tidings spread from mouth to mouth that the beadle is on the ground and has gone in . by and by the beadle comes out , once more intensifying the sensation , which has rather languished in the interval . he is understood to be in want of witnesses for the inquest to morrow who can tell the coroner and jury anything whatever respecting the deceased . is immediately referred to innumerable people who can tell nothing whatever . is made more imbecile by being constantly informed that mrs . greens son was a law writer his self and knowed him better than anybody , which son of mrs . greens appears , on inquiry , to be at the present time aboard a vessel bound for china , three months out , but considered accessible by telegraph on application to the lords of the admiralty . beadle goes into various shops and parlours , examining the inhabitants , always shutting the door first , and by exclusion , delay , and general idiotcy exasperating the public . policeman seen to smile to potboy . public loses interest and undergoes reaction . taunts the beadle in shrill youthful voices with having boiled a boy , choruses fragments of a popular song to that effect and importing that the boy was made into soup for the workhouse . policeman at last finds it necessary to support the law and seize a vocalist , who is released upon the flight of the rest on condition of his getting out of this then , come , and cutting it  condition he immediately observes . so the sensation dies off for the time and the unmoved policeman to whom a little opium , more or less , is nothing , with his shining hat , stiff stock , inflexible great coat, , stout belt and bracelet , and all things fitting , pursues his lounging way with a heavy tread , beating the palms of his white gloves one against the other and stopping now and then at a street corner to look casually about for anything between a lost child and a murder . under cover of the night , the feeble minded beadle comes flitting about chancery lane with his summonses , in which every jurors name is wrongly spelt , and nothing rightly spelt but the beadles own name , which nobody can read or wants to know . the summonses served and his witnesses forewarned , the beadle goes to mr . krooks to keep a small appointment he has made with certain paupers , who , presently arriving , are conducted upstairs , where they leave the great eyes in the shutter something new to stare at , in that last shape which earthly lodgings take for no one  for every one . and all that night the coffin stands ready by the old portmanteau and the lonely figure on the bed , whose path in life has lain through five and forty years , lies there with no more track behind him that any one can trace than a deserted infant . next day the court is all alive  like a fair , as mrs . perkins , more than reconciled to mrs . piper , says in amicable conversation with that excellent woman . the coroner is to sit in the first floor room at the sols arms , where the harmonic meetings take place twice a week and where the chair is filled by a gentleman of professional celebrity , faced by little swills , the comic vocalist , who hopes that his friends will rally round him and support first rate talent . the sols arms does a brisk stroke of business all the morning . even children so require sustaining under the general excitement that a pieman who has established himself for the occasion at the corner of the court says his brandy balls go off like smoke . what time the beadle , hovering between the door of mr . krooks establishment and the door of the sols arms , shows the curiosity in his keeping to a few discreet spirits and accepts the compliment of a glass of ale or so in return . at the appointed hour arrives the coroner , for whom the jurymen are waiting and who is received with a salute of skittles from the good dry skittle ground attached to the sols arms . the coroner frequents more public houses than any man alive . the smell of sawdust , beer , tobacco smoke, , and spirits is inseparable in his vocation from death in its most awful shapes . he is conducted by the beadle and the landlord to the harmonic meeting room , where he puts his hat on the piano and takes a windsor chair at the head of a long table formed of several short tables put together and ornamented with glutinous rings in endless involutions , made by pots and glasses . as many of the jury as can crowd together at the table sit there . the rest get among the spittoons and pipes or lean against the piano . over the coroners head is a small iron garland , the pendant handle of a bell , which rather gives the majesty of the court the appearance of going to be hanged presently . call over and swear the jury . while the ceremony is in progress , sensation is created by the entrance of a chubby little man in a large shirt collar, , with a moist eye and an inflamed nose , who modestly takes a position near the door as one of the general public , but seems familiar with the room too . a whisper circulates that this is little swills . it is considered not unlikely that he will get up an imitation of the coroner and make it the principal feature of the harmonic meeting in the evening . well , gentlemen  the coroner begins . silence there , will you . says the beadle . not to the coroner , though it might appear so . well , gentlemen , resumes the coroner . you are impanelled here to inquire into the death of a certain man . evidence will be given before you as to the circumstances attending that death , and you will give your verdict according to the  they must be stopped , you know , beadle . and not according to anything else . the first thing to be done is to view the body . make way there . cries the beadle . so they go out in a loose procession , something after the manner of a straggling funeral , and make their inspection in mr . krooks back second floor , from which a few of the jurymen retire pale and precipitately . the beadle is very careful that two gentlemen not very neat about the cuffs and buttons for whose accommodation he has provided a special little table near the coroner in the harmonic meeting room should see all that is to be seen . for they are the public chroniclers of such inquiries by the line and he is not superior to the universal human infirmity , but hopes to read in print what mooney , the active and intelligent beadle of the district , said and did and even aspires to see the name of mooney as familiarly and patronizingly mentioned as the name of the hangman is , according to the latest examples . little swills is waiting for the coroner and jury on their return . mr . tulkinghorn , also . mr . tulkinghorn is received with distinction and seated near the coroner between that high judicial officer , a bagatelle board, , and the coal box . the inquiry proceeds . the jury learn how the subject of their inquiry died , and learn no more about him . a very eminent solicitor is in attendance , gentlemen , says the coroner , who , i am informed , was accidentally present when discovery of the death was made , but he could only repeat the evidence you have already heard from the surgeon , the landlord , the lodger , and the law stationer, , and it is not necessary to trouble him . is anybody in attendance who knows anything more . mrs . piper pushed forward by mrs . perkins . mrs . piper sworn . anastasia piper , gentlemen . married woman . now , mrs . piper , what have you got to say about this . why , mrs . piper has a good deal to say , chiefly in parentheses and without punctuation , but not much to tell . mrs . piper lives in the court and it has long been well beknown among the neighbours counting from the day next but one before the half baptizing of alexander james piper aged eighteen months and four days old on accounts of not being expected to live such was the sufferings gentlemen of that child in his gums as the plaintive  mrs . piper insists on calling the deceased  reported to have sold himself . thinks it was the plaintives air in which that report originatinin . see the plaintive often and considered as his air was feariocious and not to be allowed to go about some children being timid and if doubted hoping mrs . perkins may be brought forard for she is here and will do credit to her husband and herself and family . has seen the plaintive wexed and worrited by the children for children they will ever be and you cannot expect them specially if of playful dispositions to be methoozellers which you was not yourself . on accounts of this and his dark looks has often dreamed as she see him take a pick axe from his pocket and split johnnys head which the child knows not fear and has repeatually called after him close at his eels . never however see the plaintive take a pick axe or any other wepping far from it . has seen him hurry away when run and called after as if not partial to children and never see him speak to neither child nor grown person at any time excepting the boy that sweeps the crossing down the lane over the way round the corner which if he was here would tell you that he has been seen a speaking to him frequent . says the coroner , is that boy here . says the beadle , no , sir , he is not here . says the coroner , go and fetch him then . in the absence of the active and intelligent , the coroner converses with mr . tulkinghorn . oh . heres the boy , gentlemen . here he is , very muddy , very hoarse , very ragged . now , boy . but stop a minute . caution . this boy must be put through a few preliminary paces . name , jo . nothing else that he knows on . dont know that everybody has two names . never heerd of sich a think . dont know that jo is short for a longer name . thinks it long enough for him . he dont find no fault with it . spell it . no . he cant spell it . no father , no mother , no friends . never been to school . whats home . knows a brooms a broom , and knows its wicked to tell a lie . dont recollect who told him about the broom or about the lie , but knows both . cant exactly say whatll be done to him arter hes dead if he tells a lie to the gentlemen here , but believes itll be something wery bad to punish him , and serve him right  so hell tell the truth . this wont do , gentlemen . says the coroner with a melancholy shake of the head . dont you think you can receive his evidence , sir . asks an attentive juryman . out of the question , says the coroner . you have heard the boy . cant exactly say wont do , you know . we cant take that in a court of justice , gentlemen . its terrible depravity . put the boy aside . boy put aside , to the great edification of the audience , especially of little swills , the comic vocalist . now . is there any other witness . no other witness . very well , gentlemen . heres a man unknown , proved to have been in the habit of taking opium in large quantities for a year and a half , found dead of too much opium . if you think you have any evidence to lead you to the conclusion that he committed suicide , you will come to that conclusion . if you think it is a case of accidental death , you will find a verdict accordingly . verdict accordingly . accidental death . no doubt . gentlemen , you are discharged . good afternoon . while the coroner buttons his great coat, , mr . tulkinghorn and he give private audience to the rejected witness in a corner . that graceless creature only knows that the dead man whom he recognized just now by his yellow face and black hair was sometimes hooted and pursued about the streets . that one cold winter night when he , the boy , was shivering in a doorway near his crossing , the man turned to look at him , and came back , and having questioned him and found that he had not a friend in the world , said , neither have i . not one . and gave him the price of a supper and a nights lodging . that the man had often spoken to him since and asked him whether he slept sound at night , and how he bore cold and hunger , and whether he ever wished to die , and similar strange questions . that when the man had no money , he would say in passing , i am as poor as you to day, , jo , but that when he had any , he had always as the boy most heartily believes been glad to give him some . he was wery good to me , says the boy , wiping his eyes with his wretched sleeve . wen i see him a layin so stritched out just now , i wished he could have heerd me tell him so . he wos wery good to me , he wos . as he shuffles downstairs , mr . snagsby , lying in wait for him , puts a half crown in his hand . if you ever see me coming past your crossing with my little woman  mean a lady  says mr . snagsby with his finger on his nose , dont allude to it . for some little time the jurymen hang about the sols arms colloquially . in the sequel , half a are caught up in a cloud of pipe smoke that pervades the parlour of the sols arms two stroll to hampstead and four engage to go half price to the play at night , and top up with oysters . little swills is treated on several hands . being asked what he thinks of the proceedings , characterizes them his strength lying in a slangular direction as a rummy start . the landlord of the sols arms , finding little swills so popular , commends him highly to the jurymen and public , observing that for a song in character he dont know his equal and that mans character wardrobe would fill a cart . thus , gradually the sols arms melts into the shadowy night and then flares out of it strong in gas . the harmonic meeting hour arriving , the gentleman of professional celebrity takes the chair , is faced by little swills their friends rally round them and support first rate talent . in the zenith of the evening , little swills says , gentlemen , if youll permit me , ill attempt a short description of a scene of real life that came off here to day . is much applauded and encouraged goes out of the room as swills comes in as the coroner describes the inquest , with recreative intervals of piano forte accompaniment , to the refrain with his tippy tol li doll , tippy tol lo doll , tippy tol li doll , dee . the jingling piano at last is silent , and the harmonic friends rally round their pillows . then there is rest around the lonely figure , now laid in its last earthly habitation and it is watched by the gaunt eyes in the shutters through some quiet hours of night . if this forlorn man could have been prophetically seen lying here by the mother at whose breast he nestled , a little child , with eyes upraised to her loving face , and soft hand scarcely knowing how to close upon the neck to which it crept , what an impossibility the vision would have seemed . oh , if in brighter days the now extinguished fire within him ever burned for one woman who held him in her heart , where is she , while these ashes are above the ground . it is anything but a night of rest at mr . snagsbys , in cooks court , where guster murders sleep by going , as mr . snagsby himself allows  to put too fine a point upon it  of one fit into twenty . the occasion of this seizure is that guster has a tender heart and a susceptible something that possibly might have been imagination , but for tooting and her patron saint . be it what it may , now , it was so direfully impressed at tea time by mr . snagsbys account of the inquiry at which he had assisted that at supper time she projected herself into the kitchen , preceded by a flying dutch cheese , and fell into a fit of unusual duration , which she only came out of to go into another , and another , and so on through a chain of fits , with short intervals between , of which she has pathetically availed herself by consuming them in entreaties to mrs . snagsby not to give her warning when she quite comes to , and also in appeals to the whole establishment to lay her down on the stones and go to bed . hence , mr . snagsby , at last hearing the cock at the little dairy in cursitor street go into that disinterested ecstasy of his on the subject of daylight , says , drawing a long breath , though the most patient of men , i thought you was dead , i am sure . what question this enthusiastic fowl supposes he settles when he strains himself to such an extent , or why he should thus crow so men crow on various triumphant public occasions , however about what cannot be of any moment to him , is his affair . it is enough that daylight comes , morning comes , noon comes . then the active and intelligent , who has got into the morning papers as such , comes with his pauper company to mr . krooks and bears off the body of our dear brother here departed to a hemmed in churchyard , pestiferous and obscene , whence malignant diseases are communicated to the bodies of our dear brothers and sisters who have not departed , while our dear brothers and sisters who hang about official back stairs to heaven they had departed . very complacent and agreeable . into a beastly scrap of ground which a turk would reject as a savage abomination and a caffre would shudder at , they bring our dear brother here departed to receive christian burial . with houses looking on , every side , save where a reeking little tunnel of a court gives access to the iron gate  every villainy of life in action close on death , and every poisonous element of death in action close on life  they lower our dear brother down a foot or two , here sow him in corruption , to be raised in corruption an avenging ghost at many a sick bedside, , a shameful testimony to future ages how civilization and barbarism walked this boastful island together . come night , come darkness , for you cannot come too soon or stay too long by such a place as this . come , straggling lights into the windows of the ugly houses and you who do iniquity therein , do it at least with this dread scene shut out . come , flame of gas , burning so sullenly above the iron gate , on which the poisoned air deposits its witch ointment slimy to the touch . it is well that you should call to every passerby , look here . with the night comes a slouching figure through the tunnel court to the outside of the iron gate . it holds the gate with its hands and looks in between the bars , stands looking in for a little while . it then , with an old broom it carries , softly sweeps the step and makes the archway clean . it does so very busily and trimly , looks in again a little while , and so departs . jo , is it thou . well , . though a rejected witness , who cant exactly say what will be done to him in greater hands than mens , thou art not quite in outer darkness . there is something like a distant ray of light in thy muttered reason for this he wos wery good to me , he wos . chapter xii on the watch it has left off raining down in lincolnshire at last , and chesney wold has taken heart . mrs . rouncewell is full of hospitable cares , for sir leicester and my lady are coming home from paris . the fashionable intelligence has found it out and communicates the glad tidings to benighted england . it has also found out that they will entertain a brilliant and distinguished circle of the elite of the beau monde the fashionable intelligence is weak in english , but a giant refreshed in french at the ancient and hospitable family seat in lincolnshire . for the greater honour of the brilliant and distinguished circle , and of chesney wold into the bargain , the broken arch of the bridge in the park is mended and the water , now retired within its proper limits and again spanned gracefully , makes a figure in the prospect from the house . the clear , cold sunshine glances into the brittle woods and approvingly beholds the sharp wind scattering the leaves and drying the moss . it glides over the park after the moving shadows of the clouds , and chases them , and never catches them , all day . it looks in at the windows and touches the ancestral portraits with bars and patches of brightness never contemplated by the painters . athwart the picture of my lady , over the great chimney piece, , it throws a broad bend sinister of light that strikes down crookedly into the hearth and seems to rend it . through the same cold sunshine and the same sharp wind , my lady and sir leicester , in their travelling chariot my ladys woman and sir leicesters man affectionate in the rumble , start for home . with a considerable amount of jingling and whip cracking, , and many plunging demonstrations on the part of two bare backed horses and two centaurs with glazed hats , jack boots, , and flowing manes and tails , they rattle out of the yard of the hotel bristol in the place vendome and canter between the sun and colonnade of the rue de rivoli and the garden of the ill fated palace of a headless king and queen , off by the place of concord , and the elysian fields , and the gate of the star , out of paris . sooth to say , they cannot go away too fast , for even here my lady dedlock has been bored to death . concert , assembly , opera , theatre , drive , nothing is new to my lady under the worn out heavens . only last sunday , when poor wretches were gay  the walls playing with children among the clipped trees and the statues in the palace garden walking , a score abreast , in the elysian fields , made more elysian by performing dogs and wooden horses between whiles filtering through the gloomy cathedral of our lady to say a word or two at the base of a pillar within flare of a rusty little gridiron full of gusty little tapers without the walls encompassing paris with dancing , love making, , wine drinking, , tobacco smoking, , tomb visiting, , billiard card and domino playing , quack doctoring, , and much murderous refuse , animate and inanimate  last sunday , my lady , in the desolation of boredom and the clutch of giant despair , almost hated her own maid for being in spirits . she cannot , therefore , go too fast from paris . weariness of soul lies before her , as it lies behind  ariel has put a girdle of it round the whole earth , and it cannot be unclasped  the imperfect remedy is always to fly from the last place where it has been experienced . fling paris back into the distance , then , exchanging it for endless avenues and cross avenues of wintry trees . and , when next beheld , let it be some leagues away , with the gate of the star a white speck glittering in the sun , and the city a mere mound in a plain  dark square towers rising out of it , and light and shadow descending on it aslant , like the angels in jacobs dream . sir leicester is generally in a complacent state , and rarely bored . when he has nothing else to do , he can always contemplate his own greatness . it is a considerable advantage to a man to have so inexhaustible a subject . after reading his letters , he leans back in his corner of the carriage and generally reviews his importance to society . you have an unusual amount of correspondence this morning . says my lady after a long time . she is fatigued with reading . has almost read a page in twenty miles . nothing in it , though . nothing whatever . i saw one of mr . tulkinghorns long effusions , i think . you see everything , says sir leicester with admiration . ha . sighs my lady . he is the most tiresome of men . he sends  really beg your pardon  sends , says sir leicester , selecting the letter and unfolding it , a message to you . our stopping to change horses as i came to his postscript drove it out of my memory . i beg youll excuse me . he says  sir leicester is so long in taking out his eye glass and adjusting it that my lady looks a little irritated . he says in the matter of the right of way  i beg your pardon , thats not the place . he says  . here i have it . he says , i beg my respectful compliments to my lady , who , i hope , has benefited by the change . will you do me the favour to mention as it may interest her that i have something to tell her on her return in reference to the person who copied the affidavit in the chancery suit , which so powerfully stimulated her curiosity . i have seen him . my lady , leaning forward , looks out of her window . thats the message , observes sir leicester . i should like to walk a little , says my lady , still looking out of her window . walk . repeats sir leicester in a tone of surprise . i should like to walk a little , says my lady with unmistakable distinctness . please to stop the carriage . the carriage is stopped , the affectionate man alights from the rumble , opens the door , and lets down the steps , obedient to an impatient motion of my ladys hand . my lady alights so quickly and walks away so quickly that sir leicester , for all his scrupulous politeness , is unable to assist her , and is left behind . a space of a minute or two has elapsed before he comes up with her . she smiles , looks very handsome , takes his arm , lounges with him for a quarter of a mile , is very much bored , and resumes her seat in the carriage . the rattle and clatter continue through the greater part of three days , with more or less of bell jingling and whip cracking, , and more or less plunging of centaurs and bare backed horses . their courtly politeness to each other at the hotels where they tarry is the theme of general admiration . though my lord is a little aged for my lady , says madame , the hostess of the golden ape , and though he might be her amiable father , one can see at a glance that they love each other . one observes my lord with his white hair , standing , hat in hand , to help my lady to and from the carriage . one observes my lady , how recognisant of my lords politeness , with an inclination of her gracious head and the concession of her so genteel fingers . it is ravishing . the sea has no appreciation of great men , but knocks them about like the small fry . it is habitually hard upon sir leicester , whose countenance it greenly mottles in the manner of sage cheese and in whose aristocratic system it effects a dismal revolution . it is the radical of nature to him . nevertheless , his dignity gets over it after stopping to refit , and he goes on with my lady for chesney wold , lying only one night in london on the way to lincolnshire . through the same cold sunlight , colder as the day declines , and through the same sharp wind , sharper as the separate shadows of bare trees gloom together in the woods , and as the ghosts walk , touched at the western corner by a pile of fire in the sky , resigns itself to coming night , they drive into the park . the rooks , swinging in their lofty houses in the elm tree avenue , seem to discuss the question of the occupancy of the carriage as it passes underneath , some agreeing that sir leicester and my lady are come down , some arguing with malcontents who wont admit it , now all consenting to consider the question disposed of , now all breaking out again in violent debate , incited by one obstinate and drowsy bird who will persist in putting in a last contradictory croak . leaving them to swing and caw , the travelling chariot rolls on to the house , where fires gleam warmly through some of the windows , though not through so many as to give an inhabited expression to the darkening mass of front . but the brilliant and distinguished circle will soon do that . mrs . rouncewell is in attendance and receives sir leicesters customary shake of the hand with a profound curtsy . how do you do , mrs . rouncewell . i am glad to see you . i hope i have the honour of welcoming you in good health , sir leicester . in excellent health , mrs . rouncewell . my lady is looking charmingly well , says mrs . rouncewell with another curtsy . my lady signifies , without profuse expenditure of words , that she is as wearily well as she can hope to be . but rosa is in the distance , behind the housekeeper and my lady , who has not subdued the quickness of her observation , whatever else she may have conquered , asks , who is that girl . a young scholar of mine , my lady . rosa . come here , rosa . lady dedlock beckons her , with even an appearance of interest . why , do you know how pretty you are , child . she says , touching her shoulder with her two forefingers . rosa , very much abashed , says , no , if you please , my lady . and glances up , and glances down , and dont know where to look , but looks all the prettier . how old are you . nineteen , my lady . nineteen , repeats my lady thoughtfully . take care they dont spoil you by flattery . yes , my lady . my lady taps her dimpled cheek with the same delicate gloved fingers and goes on to the foot of the oak staircase , where sir leicester pauses for her as her knightly escort . a staring old dedlock in a panel , as large as life and as dull , looks as if he didnt know what to make of it , which was probably his general state of mind in the days of queen elizabeth . that evening , in the housekeepers room , rosa can do nothing but murmur lady dedlocks praises . she is so affable , so graceful , so beautiful , so elegant has such a sweet voice and such a thrilling touch that rosa can feel it yet . mrs . rouncewell confirms all this , not without personal pride , reserving only the one point of affability . mrs . rouncewell is not quite sure as to that . heaven forbid that she should say a syllable in dispraise of any member of that excellent family , above all , of my lady , whom the whole world admires but if my lady would only be a little more free , not quite so cold and distant , mrs . rouncewell thinks she would be more affable . tis almost a pity , mrs . rouncewell adds  almost because it borders on impiety to suppose that anything could be better than it is , in such an express dispensation as the dedlock affairs  my lady has no family . if she had a daughter now , a grown young lady , to interest her , i think she would have had the only kind of excellence she wants . might not that have made her still more proud , grandmother . says watt , who has been home and come back again , he is such a good grandson . more and most , my dear , returns the housekeeper with dignity , are words its not my place to use  so much as to hear  to any drawback on my lady . i beg your pardon , grandmother . but she is proud , is she not . if she is , she has reason to be . the dedlock family have always reason to be . well , says watt , its to be hoped they line out of their prayer books a certain passage for the common people about pride and vainglory . forgive me , grandmother . only a joke . sir leicester and lady dedlock , my dear , are not fit subjects for joking . sir leicester is no joke by any means , says watt , and i humbly ask his pardon . i suppose , grandmother , that even with the family and their guests down here , there is no objection to my prolonging my stay at the dedlock arms for a day or two , as any other traveller might . surely , none in the world , child . i am glad of that , says watt , because i have an inexpressible desire to extend my knowledge of this beautiful neighbourhood . he happens to glance at rosa , who looks down and is very shy indeed . but according to the old superstition , it should be rosas ears that burn , and not her fresh bright cheeks , for my ladys maid is holding forth about her at this moment with surpassing energy . my ladys maid is a frenchwoman of two and thirty , from somewhere in the southern country about avignon and marseilles , a large eyed brown woman with black hair who would be handsome but for a certain feline mouth and general uncomfortable tightness of face , rendering the jaws too eager and the skull too prominent . there is something indefinably keen and wan about her anatomy , and she has a watchful way of looking out of the corners of her eyes without turning her head which could be pleasantly dispensed with , especially when she is in an ill humour and near knives . through all the good taste of her dress and little adornments , these objections so express themselves that she seems to go about like a very neat she wolf imperfectly tamed . besides being accomplished in all the knowledge appertaining to her post , she is almost an englishwoman in her acquaintance with the language consequently , she is in no want of words to shower upon rosa for having attracted my ladys attention , and she pours them out with such grim ridicule as she sits at dinner that her companion , the affectionate man , is rather relieved when she arrives at the spoon stage of that performance . ha , . she , hortense , been in my ladys service since five years and always kept at the distance , and this doll , this puppet , caressed  my lady on the moment of her arriving at the house . ha , . and do you know how pretty you are , child . no , my lady . you are right there . and how old are you , child . and take care they do not spoil you by flattery , child . oh , how droll . it is the best thing altogether . in short , it is such an admirable thing that mademoiselle hortense cant forget it but at meals for days afterwards , even among her countrywomen and others attached in like capacity to the troop of visitors , relapses into silent enjoyment of the joke  enjoyment expressed , in her own convivial manner , by an additional tightness of face , thin elongation of compressed lips , and sidewise look , which intense appreciation of humour is frequently reflected in my ladys mirrors when my lady is not among them . all the mirrors in the house are brought into action now , many of them after a long blank . they reflect handsome faces , simpering faces , youthful faces , of threescore and ten that will not submit to be old the entire collection of faces that have come to pass a january week or two at chesney wold , and which the fashionable intelligence , a mighty hunter before the lord , hunts with a keen scent , from their breaking cover at the court of st . jamess to their being run down to death . the place in lincolnshire is all alive . by day guns and voices are heard ringing in the woods , horsemen and carriages enliven the park roads , servants and hangers on pervade the village and the dedlock arms . seen by night from distant openings in the trees , the row of windows in the long drawing room, , where my ladys picture hangs over the great chimney piece, , is like a row of jewels set in a black frame . on sunday the chill little church is almost warmed by so much gallant company , and the general flavour of the dedlock dust is quenched in delicate perfumes . the brilliant and distinguished circle comprehends within it no contracted amount of education , sense , courage , honour , beauty , and virtue . yet there is something a little wrong about it in despite of its immense advantages . what can it be . dandyism . there is no king george the fourth now to set the dandy fashion there are no clear starched jack towel neckcloths , no short waisted coats , no false calves , no stays . there are no caricatures , now , of effeminate exquisites so arrayed , swooning in opera boxes with excess of delight and being revived by other dainty creatures poking long necked scent bottles at their noses . there is no beau whom it takes four men at once to shake into his buckskins , or who goes to see all the executions , or who is troubled with the self reproach of having once consumed a pea . but is there dandyism in the brilliant and distinguished circle notwithstanding , dandyism of a more mischievous sort , that has got below the surface and is doing less harmless things than jack towelling itself and stopping its own digestion , to which no rational person need particularly object . why , yes . it cannot be disguised . there are at chesney wold this january week some ladies and gentlemen of the newest fashion , who have set up a dandyism  religion , for instance . who in mere lackadaisical want of an emotion have agreed upon a little dandy talk about the vulgar wanting faith in things in general , meaning in the things that have been tried and found wanting , as though a low fellow should unaccountably lose faith in a bad shilling after finding it out . who would make the vulgar very picturesque and faithful by putting back the hands upon the clock of time and cancelling a few hundred years of history . there are also ladies and gentlemen of another fashion , not so new , but very elegant , who have agreed to put a smooth glaze on the world and to keep down all its realities . for whom everything must be languid and pretty . who have found out the perpetual stoppage . who are to rejoice at nothing and be sorry for nothing . who are not to be disturbed by ideas . on whom even the fine arts , attending in powder and walking backward like the lord chamberlain , must array themselves in the milliners and tailors patterns of past generations and be particularly careful not to be in earnest or to receive any impress from the moving age . then there is my lord boodle , of considerable reputation with his party , who has known what office is and who tells sir leicester dedlock with much gravity , after dinner , that he really does not see to what the present age is tending . a debate is not what a debate used to be the house is not what the house used to be even a cabinet is not what it formerly was . he perceives with astonishment that supposing the present government to be overthrown , the limited choice of the crown , in the formation of a new ministry , would lie between lord coodle and sir thomas doodle  it to be impossible for the duke of foodle to act with goodle , which may be assumed to be the case in consequence of the breach arising out of that affair with hoodle . then , giving the home department and the leadership of the house of commons to joodle , the exchequer to koodle , the colonies to loodle , and the foreign office to moodle , what are you to do with noodle . you cant offer him the presidency of the council that is reserved for poodle . you cant put him in the woods and forests that is hardly good enough for quoodle . what follows . that the country is shipwrecked , lost , and gone to pieces because you cant provide for noodle . on the other hand , the right honourable william buffy , m . p . contends across the table with some one else that the shipwreck of the country  which there is no doubt it is only the manner of it that is in question  attributable to cuffy . if you had done with cuffy what you ought to have done when he first came into parliament , and had prevented him from going over to duffy , you would have got him into alliance with fuffy , you would have had with you the weight attaching as a smart debater to guffy , you would have brought to bear upon the elections the wealth of huffy , you would have got in for three counties juffy , kuffy , and luffy , and you would have strengthened your administration by the official knowledge and the business habits of muffy . all this , instead of being as you now are , dependent on the mere caprice of puffy . as to this point , and as to some minor topics , there are differences of opinion but it is perfectly clear to the brilliant and distinguished circle , all round , that nobody is in question but boodle and his retinue , and buffy and his retinue . these are the great actors for whom the stage is reserved . a people there are , no doubt  certain large number of supernumeraries , who are to be occasionally addressed , and relied upon for shouts and choruses , as on the theatrical stage but boodle and buffy , their followers and families , their heirs , executors , administrators , and assigns , are the born first actors, , managers , and leaders , and no others can appear upon the scene for ever and ever . in this , too , there is perhaps more dandyism at chesney wold than the brilliant and distinguished circle will find good for itself in the long run . for it is , even with the stillest and politest circles , as with the circle the necromancer draws around him  strange appearances may be seen in active motion outside . with this difference , that being realities and not phantoms , there is the greater danger of their breaking in . chesney wold is quite full anyhow , so full that a burning sense of injury arises in the breasts of ill lodged ladies maids, , and is not to be extinguished . only one room is empty . it is a turret chamber of the third order of merit , plainly but comfortably furnished and having an old fashioned business air . it is mr . tulkinghorns room , and is never bestowed on anybody else , for he may come at any time . he is not come yet . it is his quiet habit to walk across the park from the village in fine weather , to drop into this room as if he had never been out of it since he was last seen there , to request a servant to inform sir leicester that he is arrived in case he should be wanted , and to appear ten minutes before dinner in the shadow of the library door . he sleeps in his turret with a complaining flag staff over his head , and has some leads outside on which , any fine morning when he is down here , his black figure may be seen walking before breakfast like a larger species of rook . every day before dinner , my lady looks for him in the dusk of the library , but he is not there . every day at dinner , my lady glances down the table for the vacant place that would be waiting to receive him if he had just arrived , but there is no vacant place . every night my lady casually asks her maid , is mr . tulkinghorn come . every night the answer is , no , my lady , not yet . one night , while having her hair undressed , my lady loses herself in deep thought after this reply until she sees her own brooding face in the opposite glass , and a pair of black eyes curiously observing her . be so good as to attend , says my lady then , addressing the reflection of hortense , to your business . you can contemplate your beauty at another time . pardon . it was your ladyships beauty . that , says my lady , you neednt contemplate at all . at length , one afternoon a little before sunset , when the bright groups of figures which have for the last hour or two enlivened the ghosts walk are all dispersed and only sir leicester and my lady remain upon the terrace , mr . tulkinghorn appears . he comes towards them at his usual methodical pace , which is never quickened , never slackened . he wears his usual expressionless mask  it be a mask  carries family secrets in every limb of his body and every crease of his dress . whether his whole soul is devoted to the great or whether he yields them nothing beyond the services he sells is his personal secret . he keeps it , as he keeps the secrets of his clients he is his own client in that matter , and will never betray himself . how do you do , mr . tulkinghorn . says sir leicester , giving him his hand . mr . tulkinghorn is quite well . sir leicester is quite well . my lady is quite well . all highly satisfactory . the lawyer , with his hands behind him , walks at sir leicesters side along the terrace . my lady walks upon the other side . we expected you before , says sir leicester . a gracious observation . as much as to say , mr . tulkinghorn , we remember your existence when you are not here to remind us of it by your presence . we bestow a fragment of our minds upon you , sir , you see . mr . tulkinghorn , comprehending it , inclines his head and says he is much obliged . i should have come down sooner , he explains , but that i have been much engaged with those matters in the several suits between yourself and boythorn . a man of a very ill regulated mind , observes sir leicester with severity . an extremely dangerous person in any community . a man of a very low character of mind . he is obstinate , says mr . tulkinghorn . it is natural to such a man to be so , says sir leicester , looking most profoundly obstinate himself . i am not at all surprised to hear it . the only question is , pursues the lawyer , whether you will give up anything . no , sir , replies sir leicester . nothing . i give up . i dont mean anything of importance . that , of course , i know you would not abandon . i mean any minor point . mr . tulkinghorn , returns sir leicester , there can be no minor point between myself and mr . boythorn . if i go farther , and observe that i cannot readily conceive how any right of mine can be a minor point , i speak not so much in reference to myself as an individual as in reference to the family position i have it in charge to maintain . mr . tulkinghorn inclines his head again . i have now my instructions , he says . mr . boythorn will give us a good deal of trouble  it is the character of such a mind , mr . tulkinghorn , sir leicester interrupts him , to give trouble . an exceedingly ill conditioned, , levelling person . a person who , fifty years ago , would probably have been tried at the old bailey for some demagogue proceeding , and severely punished  not , adds sir leicester after a moments pause , if not hanged , drawn , and quartered . sir leicester appears to discharge his stately breast of a burden in passing this capital sentence , as if it were the next satisfactory thing to having the sentence executed . but night is coming on , says he , and my lady will take cold . my dear , let us go in . as they turn towards the hall door, , lady dedlock addresses mr . tulkinghorn for the first time . you sent me a message respecting the person whose writing i happened to inquire about . it was like you to remember the circumstance i had quite forgotten it . your message reminded me of it again . i cant imagine what association i had with a hand like that , but i surely had some . you had some . mr . tulkinghorn repeats . oh , yes . returns my lady carelessly . i think i must have had some . and did you really take the trouble to find out the writer of that actual thing  is it .  . yes . how very odd . they pass into a sombre breakfast room on the ground floor , lighted in the day by two deep windows . it is now twilight . the fire glows brightly on the panelled wall and palely on the window glass, , where , through the cold reflection of the blaze , the colder landscape shudders in the wind and a grey mist creeps along , the only traveller besides the waste of clouds . my lady lounges in a great chair in the chimney corner, , and sir leicester takes another great chair opposite . the lawyer stands before the fire with his hand out at arms length , shading his face . he looks across his arm at my lady . yes , he says , i inquired about the man , and found him . and , what is very strange , i found him  not to be any out of person , i am afraid . lady dedlock languidly anticipates . i found him dead . oh , dear me . remonstrated sir leicester . not so much shocked by the fact as by the fact of the fact being mentioned . i was directed to his lodging  miserable , poverty stricken place  i found him dead . you will excuse me , mr . tulkinghorn , observes sir leicester . i think the less said  pray , sir leicester , let me hear the story out it is my lady speaking . it is quite a story for twilight . how very shocking . dead . mr . tulkinghorn re asserts it by another inclination of his head . whether by his own hand  upon my honour . cries sir leicester . really . do let me hear the story . says my lady . whatever you desire , my dear . but , i must say  no , you mustnt say . go on , mr . tulkinghorn . sir leicesters gallantry concedes the point , though he still feels that to bring this sort of squalor among the upper classes is really  i was about to say , resumes the lawyer with undisturbed calmness , that whether he had died by his own hand or not , it was beyond my power to tell you . i should amend that phrase , however , by saying that he had unquestionably died of his own act , though whether by his own deliberate intention or by mischance can never certainly be known . the coroners jury found that he took the poison accidentally . and what kind of man , my lady asks , was this deplorable creature . very difficult to say , returns the lawyer , shaking his head . he had lived so wretchedly and was so neglected , with his gipsy colour and his wild black hair and beard , that i should have considered him the commonest of the common . the surgeon had a notion that he had once been something better , both in appearance and condition . what did they call the wretched being . they called him what he had called himself , but no one knew his name . not even any one who had attended on him . no one had attended on him . he was found dead . in fact , i found him . without any clue to anything more . without any there was , says the lawyer meditatively , an old portmanteau , but  , there were no papers . during the utterance of every word of this short dialogue , lady dedlock and mr . tulkinghorn , without any other alteration in their customary deportment , have looked very steadily at one another  was natural , perhaps , in the discussion of so unusual a subject . sir leicester has looked at the fire , with the general expression of the dedlock on the staircase . the story being told , he renews his stately protest , saying that as it is quite clear that no association in my ladys mind can possibly be traceable to this poor wretch unless he was a begging letter writer , he trusts to hear no more about a subject so far removed from my ladys station . certainly , a collection of horrors , says my lady , gathering up her mantles and furs , but they interest one for the moment . have the kindness , mr . tulkinghorn , to open the door for me . mr . tulkinghorn does so with deference and holds it open while she passes out . she passes close to him , with her usual fatigued manner and insolent grace . they meet again at dinner  , next day  , for many days in succession . lady dedlock is always the same exhausted deity , surrounded by worshippers , and terribly liable to be bored to death , even while presiding at her own shrine . mr . tulkinghorn is always the same speechless repository of noble confidences , so oddly out of place and yet so perfectly at home . they appear to take as little note of one another as any two people enclosed within the same walls could . but whether each evermore watches and suspects the other , evermore mistrustful of some great reservation whether each is evermore prepared at all points for the other , and never to be taken unawares what each would give to know how much the other knows  this is hidden , for the time , in their own hearts . chapter xiii esthers narrative we held many consultations about what richard was to be , first without mr . jarndyce , as he had requested , and afterwards with him , but it was a long time before we seemed to make progress . richard said he was ready for anything . when mr . jarndyce doubted whether he might not already be too old to enter the navy , richard said he had thought of that , and perhaps he was . when mr . jarndyce asked him what he thought of the army , richard said he had thought of that , too , and it wasnt a bad idea . when mr . jarndyce advised him to try and decide within himself whether his old preference for the sea was an ordinary boyish inclination or a strong impulse , richard answered , well he really had tried very often , and he couldnt make out . how much of this indecision of character , mr . jarndyce said to me , is chargeable on that incomprehensible heap of uncertainty and procrastination on which he has been thrown from his birth , i dont pretend to say but that chancery , among its other sins , is responsible for some of it , i can plainly see . it has engendered or confirmed in him a habit of putting off  trusting to this , that , and the other chance , without knowing what chance  dismissing everything as unsettled , uncertain , and confused . the character of much older and steadier people may be even changed by the circumstances surrounding them . it would be too much to expect that a boys , in its formation , should be the subject of such influences and escape them . i felt this to be true though if i may venture to mention what i thought besides , i thought it much to be regretted that richards education had not counteracted those influences or directed his character . he had been eight years at a public school and had learnt , i understood , to make latin verses of several sorts in the most admirable manner . but i never heard that it had been anybodys business to find out what his natural bent was , or where his failings lay , or to adapt any kind of knowledge to him . he had been adapted to the verses and had learnt the art of making them to such perfection that if he had remained at school until he was of age , i suppose he could only have gone on making them over and over again unless he had enlarged his education by forgetting how to do it . still , although i had no doubt that they were very beautiful , and very improving , and very sufficient for a great many purposes of life , and always remembered all through life , i did doubt whether richard would not have profited by some one studying him a little , instead of his studying them quite so much . to be sure , i knew nothing of the subject and do not even now know whether the young gentlemen of classic rome or greece made verses to the same extent  whether the young gentlemen of any country ever did . i havent the least idea , said richard , musing , what i had better be . except that i am quite sure i dont want to go into the church , its a toss up . you have no inclination in mr . kenges way . suggested mr . jarndyce . i dont know that , sir . replied richard . i am fond of boating . articled clerks go a good deal on the water . its a capital profession . surgeon  suggested mr . jarndyce . thats the thing , sir . cried richard . i doubt if he had ever once thought of it before . thats the thing , sir , repeated richard with the greatest enthusiasm . we have got it at last . m . r . c . s .  . he was not to be laughed out of it , though he laughed at it heartily . he said he had chosen his profession , and the more he thought of it , the more he felt that his destiny was clear the art of healing was the art of all others for him . mistrusting that he only came to this conclusion because , having never had much chance of finding out for himself what he was fitted for and having never been guided to the discovery , he was taken by the newest idea and was glad to get rid of the trouble of consideration , i wondered whether the latin verses often ended in this or whether richards was a solitary case . mr . jarndyce took great pains to talk with him seriously and to put it to his good sense not to deceive himself in so important a matter . richard was a little grave after these interviews , but invariably told ada and me that it was all right , and then began to talk about something else . by heaven . cried mr . boythorn , who interested himself strongly in the subject  i need not say that , for he could do nothing weakly i rejoice to find a young gentleman of spirit and gallantry devoting himself to that noble profession . the more spirit there is in it , the better for mankind and the worse for those mercenary task masters and low tricksters who delight in putting that illustrious art at a disadvantage in the world . by all that is base and despicable , cried mr . boythorn , the treatment of surgeons aboard ship is such that i would submit the legs  every member of the admiralty board to a compound fracture and render it a transportable offence in any qualified practitioner to set them if the system were not wholly changed in eight and forty hours . wouldnt you give them a week . asked mr . jarndyce . no . cried mr . boythorn firmly . not on any consideration . eight and forty hours . as to corporations , parishes , vestry boards, , and similar gatherings of jolter headed clods who assemble to exchange such speeches that , by heaven , they ought to be worked in quicksilver mines for the short remainder of their miserable existence , if it were only to prevent their detestable english from contaminating a language spoken in the presence of the sun  to those fellows , who meanly take advantage of the ardour of gentlemen in the pursuit of knowledge to recompense the inestimable services of the best years of their lives , their long study , and their expensive education with pittances too small for the acceptance of clerks , i would have the necks of every one of them wrung and their skulls arranged in surgeons hall for the contemplation of the whole profession in order that its younger members might understand from actual measurement , in early life , how thick skulls may become . he wound up this vehement declaration by looking round upon us with a most agreeable smile and suddenly thundering , ha , . over and over again , until anybody else might have been expected to be quite subdued by the exertion . as richard still continued to say that he was fixed in his choice after repeated periods for consideration had been recommended by mr . jarndyce and had expired , and he still continued to assure ada and me in the same final manner that it was all right , it became advisable to take mr . kenge into council . mr . kenge , therefore , came down to dinner one day , and leaned back in his chair , and turned his eye glasses over and over , and spoke in a sonorous voice , and did exactly what i remembered to have seen him do when i was a little girl . ah . said mr . kenge . yes . well . a very good profession , mr . jarndyce , a very good profession . the course of study and preparation requires to be diligently pursued , observed my guardian with a glance at richard . oh , no doubt , said mr . kenge . diligently . but that being the case , more or less , with all pursuits that are worth much , said mr . jarndyce , it is not a special consideration which another choice would be likely to escape . truly , said mr . kenge . and mr . richard carstone , who has so meritoriously acquitted himself in the  i say the classic shades . which his youth had been passed , will , no doubt , apply the habits , if not the principles and practice , of versification in that tongue in which a poet was said to be born , not made , to the more eminently practical field of action on which he enters . you may rely upon it , said richard in his off hand manner , that i shall go at it and do my best . very well , mr . jarndyce . said mr . kenge , gently nodding his head . really , when we are assured by mr . richard that he means to go at it and to do his best , nodding feelingly and smoothly over those expressions , i would submit to you that we have only to inquire into the best mode of carrying out the object of his ambition . now , with reference to placing mr . richard with some sufficiently eminent practitioner . is there any one in view at present . no one , rick , i think . said my guardian . no one , sir , said richard . quite so . observed mr . kenge . as to situation , now . is there any particular feeling on that head . n  , said richard . quite so . observed mr . kenge again . i should like a little variety , said richard i mean a good range of experience . very requisite , no doubt , returned mr . kenge . i think this may be easily arranged , mr . jarndyce . we have only , in the first place , to discover a sufficiently eligible practitioner and as soon as we make our want  shall i add , our ability to pay a premium . our only difficulty will be in the selection of one from a large number . we have only , in the second place , to observe those little formalities which are rendered necessary by our time of life and our being under the guardianship of the court . we shall soon be  i say , in mr . richards own light hearted manner , going at it  our hearts content . it is a coincidence , said mr . kenge with a tinge of melancholy in his smile , one of those coincidences which may or may not require an explanation beyond our present limited faculties , that i have a cousin in the medical profession . he might be deemed eligible by you and might be disposed to respond to this proposal . i can answer for him as little as for you , but he might . as this was an opening in the prospect , it was arranged that mr . kenge should see his cousin . and as mr . jarndyce had before proposed to take us to london for a few weeks , it was settled next day that we should make our visit at once and combine richards business with it . mr . boythorn leaving us within a week , we took up our abode at a cheerful lodging near oxford street over an upholsterers shop . london was a great wonder to us , and we were out for hours and hours at a time , seeing the sights , which appeared to be less capable of exhaustion than we were . we made the round of the principal theatres , too , with great delight , and saw all the plays that were worth seeing . i mention this because it was at the theatre that i began to be made uncomfortable again by mr . guppy . i was sitting in front of the box one night with ada , and richard was in the place he liked best , behind adas chair , when , happening to look down into the pit , i saw mr . guppy , with his hair flattened down upon his head and woe depicted in his face , looking up at me . i felt all through the performance that he never looked at the actors but constantly looked at me , and always with a carefully prepared expression of the deepest misery and the profoundest dejection . it quite spoiled my pleasure for that night because it was so very embarrassing and so very ridiculous . but from that time forth , we never went to the play without my seeing mr . guppy in the pit , always with his hair straight and flat , his shirt collar turned down , and a general feebleness about him . if he were not there when we went in , and i began to hope he would not come and yielded myself for a little while to the interest of the scene , i was certain to encounter his languishing eyes when i least expected it and , from that time , to be quite sure that they were fixed upon me all the evening . i really cannot express how uneasy this made me . if he would only have brushed up his hair or turned up his collar , it would have been bad enough but to know that absurd figure was always gazing at me , and always in that demonstrative state of despondency , put such a constraint upon me that i did not like to laugh at the play , or to cry at it , or to move , or to speak . i seemed able to do nothing naturally . as to escaping mr . guppy by going to the back of the box , i could not bear to do that because i knew richard and ada relied on having me next them and that they could never have talked together so happily if anybody else had been in my place . so there i sat , not knowing where to look  wherever i looked , i knew mr . guppys eyes were following me  thinking of the dreadful expense to which this young man was putting himself on my account . sometimes i thought of telling mr . jarndyce . then i feared that the young man would lose his situation and that i might ruin him . sometimes i thought of confiding in richard , but was deterred by the possibility of his fighting mr . guppy and giving him black eyes . sometimes i thought , should i frown at him or shake my head . then i felt i could not do it . sometimes i considered whether i should write to his mother , but that ended in my being convinced that to open a correspondence would be to make the matter worse . i always came to the conclusion , finally , that i could do nothing . mr . guppys perseverance , all this time , not only produced him regularly at any theatre to which we went , but caused him to appear in the crowd as we were coming out , and even to get up behind our fly  i am sure i saw him , two or three times , struggling among the most dreadful spikes . after we got home , he haunted a post opposite our house . the upholsterers where we lodged being at the corner of two streets , and my bedroom window being opposite the post , i was afraid to go near the window when i went upstairs , lest i should see him as i did one moonlight night leaning against the post and evidently catching cold . if mr . guppy had not been , fortunately for me , engaged in the daytime , i really should have had no rest from him . while we were making this round of gaieties , in which mr . guppy so extraordinarily participated , the business which had helped to bring us to town was not neglected . mr . kenges cousin was a mr . bayham badger , who had a good practice at chelsea and attended a large public institution besides . he was quite willing to receive richard into his house and to superintend his studies , and as it seemed that those could be pursued advantageously under mr . badgers roof , and mr . badger liked richard , and as richard said he liked mr . badger well enough , an agreement was made , the lord chancellors consent was obtained , and it was all settled . on the day when matters were concluded between richard and mr . badger , we were all under engagement to dine at mr . badgers house . we were to be merely a family party , mrs . badgers note said and we found no lady there but mrs . badger herself . she was surrounded in the drawing room by various objects , indicative of her painting a little , playing the piano a little , playing the guitar a little , playing the harp a little , singing a little , working a little , reading a little , writing poetry a little , and botanizing a little . she was a lady of about fifty , i should think , youthfully dressed , and of a very fine complexion . if i add to the little list of her accomplishments that she rouged a little , i do not mean that there was any harm in it . mr . bayham badger himself was a pink , fresh faced, , crisp looking gentleman with a weak voice , white teeth , light hair , and surprised eyes , some years younger , i should say , than mrs . bayham badger . he admired her exceedingly , but principally , and to begin with , on the curious ground of her having had three husbands . we had barely taken our seats when he said to mr . jarndyce quite triumphantly , you would hardly suppose that i am mrs . bayham badgers third . indeed . said mr . jarndyce . her third . said mr . badger . mrs . bayham badger has not the appearance , miss summerson , of a lady who has had two former husbands . i said not at all . and most remarkable men . said mr . badger in a tone of confidence . captain swosser of the royal navy , who was mrs . badgers first husband , was a very distinguished officer indeed . the name of professor dingo , my immediate predecessor , is one of european reputation . mrs . badger overheard him and smiled . yes , my dear . mr . badger replied to the smile , i was observing to mr . jarndyce and miss summerson that you had two former husbands  very distinguished men . and they found it , as people generally do , difficult to believe . i was barely twenty , said mrs . badger , when i married captain swosser of the royal navy . i was in the mediterranean with him i am quite a sailor . on the twelfth anniversary of my wedding day, , i became the wife of professor dingo . of european reputation , added mr . badger in an undertone . and when mr . badger and myself were married , pursued mrs . badger , we were married on the same day of the year . i had become attached to the day . so that mrs . badger has been married to three husbands  of them highly distinguished men , said mr . badger , summing up the facts , and each time upon the twenty first of march at eleven in the forenoon . we all expressed our admiration . but for mr . badgers modesty , said mr . jarndyce , i would take leave to correct him and say three distinguished men . thank you , mr . jarndyce . what i always tell him . observed mrs . badger . and , my dear , said mr . badger , what do i always tell you . that without any affectation of disparaging such professional distinction as i may have attained which our friend mr . carstone will have many opportunities of estimating , i am not so weak  , really , said mr . badger to us generally , so unreasonable  to put my reputation on the same footing with such first rate men as captain swosser and professor dingo . perhaps you may be interested , mr . jarndyce , continued mr . bayham badger , leading the way into the next drawing room, , in this portrait of captain swosser . it was taken on his return home from the african station , where he had suffered from the fever of the country . mrs . badger considers it too yellow . but its a very fine head . a very fine head . we all echoed , a very fine head . i feel when i look at it , said mr . badger , thats a man i should like to have seen . it strikingly bespeaks the first class man that captain swosser pre eminently was . on the other side , professor dingo . i knew him well  him in his last illness  speaking likeness . over the piano , mrs . bayham badger when mrs . swosser . over the sofa , mrs . bayham badger when mrs . dingo . of mrs . bayham badger in esse , i possess the original and have no copy . dinner was now announced , and we went downstairs . it was a very genteel entertainment , very handsomely served . but the captain and the professor still ran in mr . badgers head , and as ada and i had the honour of being under his particular care , we had the full benefit of them . water , miss summerson . allow me . not in that tumbler , pray . bring me the professors goblet , james . ada very much admired some artificial flowers under a glass . astonishing how they keep . said mr . badger . they were presented to mrs . bayham badger when she was in the mediterranean . he invited mr . jarndyce to take a glass of claret . not that claret . he said . excuse me . this is an occasion , and on an occasion i produce some very special claret i happen to have . mr . jarndyce , this is a wine that was imported by the captain , we will not say how many years ago . you will find it very curious . my dear , i shall be happy to take some of this wine with you . captain swossers claret to your mistress , james . my love , your health . after dinner , when we ladies retired , we took mrs . badgers first and second husband with us . mrs . badger gave us in the drawing room a biographical sketch of the life and services of captain swosser before his marriage and a more minute account of him dating from the time when he fell in love with her at a ball on board the crippler , given to the officers of that ship when she lay in plymouth harbour . the dear old crippler . said mrs . badger , shaking her head . she was a noble vessel . trim , ship shape, , all a taunto , as captain swosser used to say . you must excuse me if i occasionally introduce a nautical expression i was quite a sailor once . captain swosser loved that craft for my sake . when she was no longer in commission , he frequently said that if he were rich enough to buy her old hulk , he would have an inscription let into the timbers of the quarter deck where we stood as partners in the dance to mark the spot where he fell  fore and aft by the fire from my tops . it was his naval way of mentioning my eyes . mrs . badger shook her head , sighed , and looked in the glass . it was a great change from captain swosser to professor dingo , she resumed with a plaintive smile . i felt it a good deal at first . such an entire revolution in my mode of life . but custom , combined with science  me to it . being the professors sole companion in his botanical excursions , i almost forgot that i had ever been afloat , and became quite learned . it is singular that the professor was the antipodes of captain swosser and that mr . badger is not in the least like either . we then passed into a narrative of the deaths of captain swosser and professor dingo , both of whom seem to have had very bad complaints . in the course of it , mrs . badger signified to us that she had never madly loved but once and that the object of that wild affection , never to be recalled in its fresh enthusiasm , was captain swosser . the professor was yet dying by inches in the most dismal manner , and mrs . badger was giving us imitations of his way of saying , with great difficulty , where is laura . let laura give me my toast and water . when the entrance of the gentlemen consigned him to the tomb . now , i observed that evening , as i had observed for some days past , that ada and richard were more than ever attached to each others society , which was but natural , seeing that they were going to be separated so soon . i was therefore not very much surprised when we got home , and ada and i retired upstairs , to find ada more silent than usual , though i was not quite prepared for her coming into my arms and beginning to speak to me , with her face hidden . my darling esther . murmured ada . i have a great secret to tell you . a mighty secret , my pretty one , no doubt . what is it , ada . oh , esther , you would never guess . shall i try to guess . said i . oh , no . dont . pray dont . cried ada , very much startled by the idea of my doing so . now , i wonder who it can be about . said i , pretending to consider . its about  said ada in a whisper . its about  cousin richard . well , my own . said i , kissing her bright hair , which was all i could see . and what about him . oh , esther , you would never guess . it was so pretty to have her clinging to me in that way , hiding her face , and to know that she was not crying in sorrow but in a little glow of joy , and pride , and hope , that i would not help her just yet . he says  know its very foolish , we are both so young  he says , with a burst of tears , that he loves me dearly , esther . does he indeed . said i . i never heard of such a thing . why , my pet of pets , i could have told you that weeks and weeks ago . to see ada lift up her flushed face in joyful surprise , and hold me round the neck , and laugh , and cry , and blush , was so pleasant . why , my darling , said i , what a goose you must take me for . your cousin richard has been loving you as plainly as he could for i dont know how long . and yet you never said a word about it . cried ada , kissing me . no , my love , said i . i waited to be told . but now i have told you , dont think it wrong of me , do you . returned ada . she might have coaxed me to say no if i had been the hardest hearted duenna in the world . not being that yet , i said no very freely . and now , said i , know the worst of it . oh , thats not quite the worst of it , esther dear . cried ada , holding me tighter and laying down her face again upon my breast . no . said i . not even that . no , not even that . said ada , shaking her head . why , you never mean to say  i was beginning in joke . but ada , looking up and smiling through her tears , cried , yes , i do . you know , you know i do . and then sobbed out , with all my heart i do . with all my whole heart , esther . i told her , laughing , why i had known that , too , just as well as i had known the other . and we sat before the fire , and i had all the talking to myself for a little while though there was not much of it and ada was soon quiet and happy . do you think my cousin john knows , dear dame durden . she asked . unless my cousin john is blind , my pet , said i , should think my cousin john knows pretty well as much as we know . we want to speak to him before richard goes , said ada timidly , and we wanted you to advise us , and to tell him so . perhaps you wouldnt mind richards coming in , dame durden . oh . richard is outside , is he , my dear . said i . i am not quite certain , returned ada with a bashful simplicity that would have won my heart if she had not won it long before , but i think hes waiting at the door . there he was , of course . they brought a chair on either side of me , and put me between them , and really seemed to have fallen in love with me instead of one another , they were so confiding , and so trustful , and so fond of me . they went on in their own wild way for a little while  never stopped them i enjoyed it too much myself  then we gradually fell to considering how young they were , and how there must be a lapse of several years before this early love could come to anything , and how it could come to happiness only if it were real and lasting and inspired them with a steady resolution to do their duty to each other , with constancy , fortitude , and perseverance , each always for the others sake . well . richard said that he would work his fingers to the bone for ada , and ada said that she would work her fingers to the bone for richard , and they called me all sorts of endearing and sensible names , and we sat there , advising and talking , half the night . finally , before we parted , i gave them my promise to speak to their cousin john to morrow . so , when to morrow came , i went to my guardian after breakfast , in the room that was our town substitute for the growlery , and told him that i had it in trust to tell him something . well , little woman , said he , shutting up his book , if you have accepted the trust , there can be no harm in it . i hope not , guardian , said i . i can guarantee that there is no secrecy in it . for it only happened yesterday . aye . and what is it , esther . guardian , said i , you remember the happy night when first we came down to bleak house . when ada was singing in the dark room . i wished to call to his remembrance the look he had given me then . unless i am much mistaken , i saw that i did so . because  said i with a little hesitation . yes , my dear . said he . dont hurry . because , said i , ada and richard have fallen in love . and have told each other so . already . cried my guardian , quite astonished . yes . said i . and to tell you the truth , guardian , i rather expected it . the deuce you did . said he . he sat considering for a minute or two , with his smile , at once so handsome and so kind , upon his changing face , and then requested me to let them know that he wished to see them . when they came , he encircled ada with one arm in his fatherly way and addressed himself to richard with a cheerful gravity . rick , said mr . jarndyce , i am glad to have won your confidence . i hope to preserve it . when i contemplated these relations between us four which have so brightened my life and so invested it with new interests and pleasures , i certainly did contemplate , afar off , the possibility of you and your pretty cousin here dont be shy , ada , dont be shy , my dear . being in a mind to go through life together . i saw , and do see , many reasons to make it desirable . but that was afar off , rick , afar off . we look afar off , sir , returned richard . well . said mr . jarndyce . thats rational . now , hear me , my dears . i might tell you that you dont know your own minds yet , that a thousand things may happen to divert you from one another , that it is well this chain of flowers you have taken up is very easily broken , or it might become a chain of lead . but i will not do that . such wisdom will come soon enough , i dare say , if it is to come at all . i will assume that a few years hence you will be in your hearts to one another what you are to day . all i say before speaking to you according to that assumption is , if you do change  you do come to find that you are more commonplace cousins to each other as man and woman than you were as boy and girl your manhood will excuse me , rick . be ashamed still to confide in me , for there will be nothing monstrous or uncommon in it . i am only your friend and distant kinsman . i have no power over you whatever . but i wish and hope to retain your confidence if i do nothing to forfeit it . i am very sure , sir , returned richard , that i speak for ada too when i say that you have the strongest power over us both  in respect , gratitude , and affection  every day . dear cousin john , said ada , on his shoulder , my fathers place can never be empty again . all the love and duty i could ever have rendered to him is transferred to you . come . said mr . jarndyce . now for our assumption . now we lift our eyes up and look hopefully at the distance . rick , the world is before you and it is most probable that as you enter it , so it will receive you . trust in nothing but in providence and your own efforts . never separate the two , like the heathen waggoner . constancy in love is a good thing , but it means nothing , and is nothing , without constancy in every kind of effort . if you had the abilities of all the great men , past and present , you could do nothing well without sincerely meaning it and setting about it . if you entertain the supposition that any real success , in great things or in small , ever was or could be , ever will or can be , wrested from fortune by fits and starts , leave that wrong idea here or leave your cousin ada here . i will leave it here , sir , replied richard smiling , if i brought it here just now and will work my way on to my cousin ada in the hopeful distance . right . said mr . jarndyce . if you are not to make her happy , why should you pursue her . i wouldnt make her unhappy  , not even for her love , retorted richard proudly . well said . cried mr . jarndyce . thats well said . she remains here , in her home with me . love her , rick , in your active life , no less than in her home when you revisit it , and all will go well . otherwise , all will go ill . thats the end of my preaching . i think you and ada had better take a walk . ada tenderly embraced him , and richard heartily shook hands with him , and then the cousins went out of the room , looking back again directly , though , to say that they would wait for me . the door stood open , and we both followed them with our eyes as they passed down the adjoining room , on which the sun was shining , and out at its farther end . richard with his head bent , and her hand drawn through his arm , was talking to her very earnestly and she looked up in his face , listening , and seemed to see nothing else . so young , so beautiful , so full of hope and promise , they went on lightly through the sunlight as their own happy thoughts might then be traversing the years to come and making them all years of brightness . so they passed away into the shadow and were gone . it was only a burst of light that had been so radiant . the room darkened as they went out , and the sun was clouded over . am i right , esther . said my guardian when they were gone . he was so good and wise to ask me whether he was right . rick may gain , out of this , the quality he wants . wants , at the core of so much that is good . said mr . jarndyce , shaking his head . i have said nothing to ada , esther . she has her friend and counsellor always near . and he laid his hand lovingly upon my head . i could not help showing that i was a little moved , though i did all i could to conceal it . tut . said he . but we must take care , too , that our little womans life is not all consumed in care for others . care . my dear guardian , i believe i am the happiest creature in the world . i believe so , too , said he . but some one may find out what esther never will  the little woman is to be held in remembrance above all other people . i have omitted to mention in its place that there was some one else at the family dinner party . it was not a lady . it was a gentleman . it was a gentleman of a dark complexion  young surgeon . he was rather reserved , but i thought him very sensible and agreeable . at least , ada asked me if i did not , and i said yes . chapter xiv deportment richard left us on the very next evening to begin his new career , and committed ada to my charge with great love for her and great trust in me . it touched me then to reflect , and it touches me now , more nearly , to remember how they both thought of me , even at that engrossing time . i was a part of all their plans , for the present and the future . i was to write richard once a week , making my faithful report of ada , who was to write to him every alternate day . i was to be informed , under his own hand , of all his labours and successes i was to observe how resolute and persevering he would be i was to be adas bridesmaid when they were married i was to live with them afterwards i was to keep all the keys of their house i was to be made happy for ever and a day . and if the suit should make us rich , esther  it may , you know . said richard to crown all . a shade crossed adas face . my dearest ada , asked richard , why not . it had better declare us poor at once , said ada . oh . i dont know about that , returned richard , but at all events , it wont declare anything at once . it hasnt declared anything in heaven knows how many years . too true , said ada . yes , but , urged richard , answering what her look suggested rather than her words , the longer it goes on , dear cousin , the nearer it must be to a settlement one way or other . now , is not that reasonable . you know best , richard . but i am afraid if we trust to it , will make us unhappy . but , my ada , we are not going to trust to it . cried richard gaily . we know it better than to trust to it . we only say that if it should make us rich , we have no constitutional objection to being rich . the court is , by solemn settlement of law , our grim old guardian , and we are to suppose that what it gives us is our right . it is not necessary to quarrel with our right . no , said ada , but it may be better to forget all about it . well , cried richard , then we will forget all about it . we consign the whole thing to oblivion . dame durden puts on her approving face , and its done . dame durdens approving face , said i , looking out of the box in which i was packing his books , was not very visible when you called it by that name but it does approve , and she thinks you cant do better . so , richard said there was an end of it , and immediately began , on no other foundation , to build as many castles in the air as would man the great wall of china . he went away in high spirits . ada and i , prepared to miss him very much , commenced our quieter career . on our arrival in london , we had called with mr . jarndyce at mrs . jellybys but had not been so fortunate as to find her at home . it appeared that she had gone somewhere to a tea drinking and had taken miss jellyby with her . besides the tea drinking, , there was to be some considerable speech making and letter writing on the general merits of the cultivation of coffee , conjointly with natives , at the settlement of borrioboola gha . all this involved , no doubt , sufficient active exercise of pen and ink to make her daughters part in the proceedings anything but a holiday . it being now beyond the time appointed for mrs . jellybys return , we called again . she was in town , but not at home , having gone to mile end directly after breakfast on some borrioboolan business , arising out of a society called the east london branch aid ramification . as i had not seen peepy on the occasion of our last call when he was not to be found anywhere , and when the cook rather thought he must have strolled away with the dustmans cart , i now inquired for him again . the oyster shells he had been building a house with were still in the passage , but he was nowhere discoverable , and the cook supposed that he had gone after the sheep . when we repeated , with some surprise , the sheep . she said , oh , yes , on market days he sometimes followed them quite out of town and came back in such a state as never was . i was sitting at the window with my guardian on the following morning , and ada was busy writing  course to richard  miss jellyby was announced , and entered , leading the identical peepy , whom she had made some endeavours to render presentable by wiping the dirt into corners of his face and hands and making his hair very wet and then violently frizzling it with her fingers . everything the dear child wore was either too large for him or too small . among his other contradictory decorations he had the hat of a bishop and the little gloves of a baby . his boots were , on a small scale , the boots of a ploughman , while his legs , so crossed and recrossed with scratches that they looked like maps , were bare below a very short pair of plaid drawers finished off with two frills of perfectly different patterns . the deficient buttons on his plaid frock had evidently been supplied from one of mr . jellybys coats , they were so extremely brazen and so much too large . most extraordinary specimens of needlework appeared on several parts of his dress , where it had been hastily mended , and i recognized the same hand on miss jellybys . she was , however , unaccountably improved in her appearance and looked very pretty . she was conscious of poor little peepy being but a failure after all her trouble , and she showed it as she came in by the way in which she glanced first at him and then at us . oh , dear me . said my guardian . due east . ada and i gave her a cordial welcome and presented her to mr . jarndyce , to whom she said as she sat down , mas compliments , and she hopes youll excuse her , because shes correcting proofs of the plan . shes going to put out five thousand new circulars , and she knows youll be interested to hear that . i have brought one of them with me . mas compliments . with which she presented it sulkily enough . thank you , said my guardian . i am much obliged to mrs . jellyby . oh , dear me . this is a very trying wind . we were busy with peepy , taking off his clerical hat , asking him if he remembered us , and so on . peepy retired behind his elbow at first , but relented at the sight of sponge cake and allowed me to take him on my lap , where he sat munching quietly . mr . jarndyce then withdrawing into the temporary growlery , miss jellyby opened a conversation with her usual abruptness . we are going on just as bad as ever in thavies inn , said she . i have no peace of my life . talk of africa . i couldnt be worse off if i was a whats his and a brother . i tried to say something soothing . oh , its of no use , miss summerson , exclaimed miss jellyby , though i thank you for the kind intention all the same . i know how i am used , and i am not to be talked over . you wouldnt be talked over if you were used so . peepy , go and play at wild beasts under the piano . i shant . said peepy . very well , you ungrateful , naughty , hard hearted boy . returned miss jellyby with tears in her eyes . ill never take pains to dress you any more . yes , i will go , caddy . cried peepy , who was really a good child and who was so moved by his sisters vexation that he went at once . it seems a little thing to cry about , said poor miss jellyby apologetically , but i am quite worn out . i was directing the new circulars till two this morning . i detest the whole thing so that alone makes my head ache till i cant see out of my eyes . and look at that poor unfortunate child . was there ever such a fright as he is . peepy , happily unconscious of the defects in his appearance , sat on the carpet behind one of the legs of the piano , looking calmly out of his den at us while he ate his cake . i have sent him to the other end of the room , observed miss jellyby , drawing her chair nearer ours , because i dont want him to hear the conversation . those little things are so sharp . i was going to say , we really are going on worse than ever . pa will be a bankrupt before long , and then i hope ma will be satisfied . therell he nobody but ma to thank for it . we said we hoped mr . jellybys affairs were not in so bad a state as that . its of no use hoping , though its very kind of you , returned miss jellyby , shaking her head . pa told me only yesterday morning and dreadfully unhappy he is that he couldnt weather the storm . i should be surprised if he could . when all our tradesmen send into our house any stuff they like , and the servants do what they like with it , and i have no time to improve things if i knew how , and ma dont care about anything , i should like to make out how pa is to weather the storm . i declare if i was pa , id run away . my dear . said i , smiling . your papa , no doubt , considers his family . oh , yes , his family is all very fine , miss summerson , replied miss jellyby but what comfort is his family to him . his family is nothing but bills , dirt , waste , noise , tumbles downstairs , confusion , and wretchedness . his scrambling home , from weeks end to weeks end , is like one great washing day nothings washed . miss jellyby tapped her foot upon the floor and wiped her eyes . i am sure i pity pa to that degree , she said , and am so angry with ma that i cant find words to express myself . however , i am not going to bear it , i am determined . i wont be a slave all my life , and i wont submit to be proposed to by mr . quale . a pretty thing , indeed , to marry a philanthropist . as if i hadnt had enough of that . said poor miss jellyby . i must confess that i could not help feeling rather angry with mrs . jellyby myself , seeing and hearing this neglected girl and knowing how much of bitterly satirical truth there was in what she said . if it wasnt that we had been intimate when you stopped at our house , pursued miss jellyby , i should have been ashamed to come here to day, , for i know what a figure i must seem to you two . but as it is , i made up my mind to call , especially as i am not likely to see you again the next time you come to town . she said this with such great significance that ada and i glanced at one another , foreseeing something more . no . said miss jellyby , shaking her head . not at all likely . i know i may trust you two . i am sure you wont betray me . i am engaged . without their knowledge at home . said i . why , good gracious me , miss summerson , she returned , justifying herself in a fretful but not angry manner , how can it be otherwise . you know what ma is  i neednt make poor pa more miserable by telling him . but would it not be adding to his unhappiness to marry without his knowledge or consent , my dear . said i . no , said miss jellyby , softening . i hope not . i should try to make him happy and comfortable when he came to see me , and peepy and the others should take it in turns to come and stay with me , and they should have some care taken of them then . there was a good deal of affection in poor caddy . she softened more and more while saying this and cried so much over the unwonted little home picture she had raised in her mind that peepy , in his cave under the piano , was touched , and turned himself over on his back with loud lamentations . it was not until i had brought him to kiss his sister , and had restored him to his place on my lap , and had shown him that caddy was laughing that we could recall his peace of mind even then it was for some time conditional on his taking us in turns by the chin and smoothing our faces all over with his hand . at last , as his spirits were not equal to the piano , we put him on a chair to look out of window and miss jellyby , holding him by one leg , resumed her confidence . it began in your coming to our house , she said . we naturally asked how . i felt i was so awkward , she replied , that i made up my mind to be improved in that respect at all events and to learn to dance . i told ma i was ashamed of myself , and i must be taught to dance . ma looked at me in that provoking way of hers as if i wasnt in sight , but i was quite determined to be taught to dance , and so i went to mr . turveydrops academy in newman street . and was it there , my dear  i began . yes , it was there , said caddy , and i am engaged to mr . turveydrop . there are two mr . turveydrops , father and son . my mr . turveydrop is the son , of course . i only wish i had been better brought up and was likely to make him a better wife , for i am very fond of him . i am sorry to hear this , said i , must confess . i dont know why you should be sorry , she retorted a little anxiously , but i am engaged to mr . turveydrop , whether or no , and he is very fond of me . its a secret as yet , even on his side , because old mr . turveydrop has a share in the connexion and it might break his heart or give him some other shock if he was told of it abruptly . old mr . turveydrop is a very gentlemanly man indeed  gentlemanly . does his wife know of it . asked ada . old mr . turveydrops wife , miss clare . returned miss jellyby , opening her eyes . theres no such person . he is a widower . we were here interrupted by peepy , whose leg had undergone so much on account of his sisters unconsciously jerking it like a bell rope whenever she was emphatic that the afflicted child now bemoaned his sufferings with a very low spirited noise . as he appealed to me for compassion , and as i was only a listener , i undertook to hold him . miss jellyby proceeded , after begging peepys pardon with a kiss and assuring him that she hadnt meant to do it . thats the state of the case , said caddy . if i ever blame myself , i still think its mas fault . we are to be married whenever we can , and then i shall go to pa at the office and write to ma . it wont much agitate ma i am only pen and ink to her . one great comfort is , said caddy with a sob , that i shall never hear of africa after i am married . young mr . turveydrop hates it for my sake , and if old mr . turveydrop knows there is such a place , its as much as he does . it was he who was very gentlemanly , i think . said i . very gentlemanly indeed , said caddy . he is celebrated almost everywhere for his deportment . does he teach . asked ada . no , he dont teach anything in particular , replied caddy . but his deportment is beautiful . caddy went on to say with considerable hesitation and reluctance that there was one thing more she wished us to know , and felt we ought to know , and which she hoped would not offend us . it was that she had improved her acquaintance with miss flite , the little crazy old lady , and that she frequently went there early in the morning and met her lover for a few minutes before breakfast  for a few minutes . i go there at other times , said caddy , but prince does not come then . young mr . turveydrops name is prince i wish it wasnt , because it sounds like a dog , but of course he didnt christen himself . old mr . turveydrop had him christened prince in remembrance of the prince regent . old mr . turveydrop adored the prince regent on account of his deportment . i hope you wont think the worse of me for having made these little appointments at miss flites , where i first went with you , because i like the poor thing for her own sake and i believe she likes me . if you could see young mr . turveydrop , i am sure you would think well of him  least , i am sure you couldnt possibly think any ill of him . i am going there now for my lesson . i couldnt ask you to go with me , miss summerson but if you would , said caddy , who had said all this earnestly and tremblingly , i should be very glad  . it happened that we had arranged with my guardian to go to miss flites that day . we had told him of our former visit , and our account had interested him but something had always happened to prevent our going there again . as i trusted that i might have sufficient influence with miss jellyby to prevent her taking any very rash step if i fully accepted the confidence she was so willing to place in me , poor girl , i proposed that she and i and peepy should go to the academy and afterwards meet my guardian and ada at miss flites , whose name i now learnt for the first time . this was on condition that miss jellyby and peepy should come back with us to dinner . the last article of the agreement being joyfully acceded to by both , we smartened peepy up a little with the assistance of a few pins , some soap and water , and a hair brush, , and went out , bending our steps towards newman street , which was very near . i found the academy established in a sufficiently dingy house at the corner of an archway , with busts in all the staircase windows . in the same house there were also established , as i gathered from the plates on the door , a drawing master, , a coal merchant there was , certainly , no room for his coals , and a lithographic artist . on the plate which , in size and situation , took precedence of all the rest , i read , mr . turveydrop . the door was open , and the hall was blocked up by a grand piano , a harp , and several other musical instruments in cases , all in progress of removal , and all looking rakish in the daylight . miss jellyby informed me that the academy had been lent , last night , for a concert . we went upstairs  had been quite a fine house once , when it was anybodys business to keep it clean and fresh , and nobodys business to smoke in it all day  into mr . turveydrops great room , which was built out into a mews at the back and was lighted by a skylight . it was a bare , resounding room smelling of stables , with cane forms along the walls , and the walls ornamented at regular intervals with painted lyres and little cut glass branches for candles , which seemed to be shedding their old fashioned drops as other branches might shed autumn leaves . several young lady pupils , ranging from thirteen or fourteen years of age to two or three and twenty , were assembled and i was looking among them for their instructor when caddy , pinching my arm , repeated the ceremony of introduction . miss summerson , mr . prince turveydrop . i curtsied to a little blue eyed fair man of youthful appearance with flaxen hair parted in the middle and curling at the ends all round his head . he had a little fiddle , which we used to call at school a kit , under his left arm , and its little bow in the same hand . his little dancing shoes were particularly diminutive , and he had a little innocent , feminine manner which not only appealed to me in an amiable way , but made this singular effect upon me , that i received the impression that he was like his mother and that his mother had not been much considered or well used . i am very happy to see miss jellybys friend , he said , bowing low to me . i began to fear , with timid tenderness , as it was past the usual time , that miss jellyby was not coming . i beg you will have the goodness to attribute that to me , who have detained her , and to receive my excuses , sir , said i . oh , dear . said he . and pray , i entreated , do not allow me to be the cause of any more delay . with that apology i withdrew to a seat between peepy who , being well used to it , had already climbed into a corner place and an old lady of a censorious countenance whose two nieces were in the class and who was very indignant with peepys boots . prince turveydrop then tinkled the strings of his kit with his fingers , and the young ladies stood up to dance . just then there appeared from a side door old mr . turveydrop , in the full lustre of his deportment . he was a fat old gentleman with a false complexion , false teeth , false whiskers , and a wig . he had a fur collar , and he had a padded breast to his coat , which only wanted a star or a broad blue ribbon to be complete . he was pinched in , and swelled out , and got up , and strapped down , as much as he could possibly bear . he had such a neckcloth on and his chin and even his ears so sunk into it , that it seemed as though he must inevitably double up if it were cast loose . he had under his arm a hat of great size and weight , shelving downward from the crown to the brim , and in his hand a pair of white gloves with which he flapped it as he stood poised on one leg in a high shouldered, , round elbowed state of elegance not to be surpassed . he had a cane , he had an eye glass, , he had a snuff box, , he had rings , he had wristbands , he had everything but any touch of nature he was not like youth , he was not like age , he was not like anything in the world but a model of deportment . father . a visitor . miss jellybys friend , miss summerson . distinguished , said mr . turveydrop , by miss summersons presence . as he bowed to me in that tight state , i almost believe i saw creases come into the whites of his eyes . my father , said the son , aside , to me with quite an affecting belief in him , is a celebrated character . my father is greatly admired . go on , prince . go on . said mr . turveydrop , standing with his back to the fire and waving his gloves condescendingly . go on , my son . at this command , or by this gracious permission , the lesson went on . prince turveydrop sometimes played the kit , dancing sometimes played the piano , standing sometimes hummed the tune with what little breath he could spare , while he set a pupil right always conscientiously moved with the least proficient through every step and every part of the figure and never rested for an instant . his distinguished father did nothing whatever but stand before the fire , a model of deportment . and he never does anything else , said the old lady of the censorious countenance . yet would you believe that its his name on the door plate . his sons name is the same , you know , said i . he wouldnt let his son have any name if he could take it from him , returned the old lady . look at the sons dress . it certainly was plain  shabby . yet the father must be garnished and tricked out , said the old lady , because of his deportment . id deport him . transport him would be better . i felt curious to know more concerning this person . i asked , does he give lessons in deportment now . now . returned the old lady shortly . never did . after a moments consideration , i suggested that perhaps fencing had been his accomplishment . i dont believe he can fence at all , maam , said the old lady . i looked surprised and inquisitive . the old lady , becoming more and more incensed against the master of deportment as she dwelt upon the subject , gave me some particulars of his career , with strong assurances that they were mildly stated . he had married a meek little dancing mistress, , with a tolerable connexion having never in his life before done anything but deport himself , and had worked her to death , or had , at the best , suffered her to work herself to death , to maintain him in those expenses which were indispensable to his position . at once to exhibit his deportment to the best models and to keep the best models constantly before himself , he had found it necessary to frequent all public places of fashionable and lounging resort , to be seen at brighton and elsewhere at fashionable times , and to lead an idle life in the very best clothes . to enable him to do this , the affectionate little dancing mistress had toiled and laboured and would have toiled and laboured to that hour if her strength had lasted so long . for the mainspring of the story was that in spite of the mans absorbing selfishness , his wife had , to the last , believed in him and had , on her death bed, , in the most moving terms , confided him to their son as one who had an inextinguishable claim upon him and whom he could never regard with too much pride and deference . the son , inheriting his mothers belief , and having the deportment always before him , had lived and grown in the same faith , and now , at thirty years of age , worked for his father twelve hours a day and looked up to him with veneration on the old imaginary pinnacle . the airs the fellow gives himself . said my informant , shaking her head at old mr . turveydrop with speechless indignation as he drew on his tight gloves , of course unconscious of the homage she was rendering . he fully believes he is one of the aristocracy . and he is so condescending to the son he so egregiously deludes that you might suppose him the most virtuous of parents . oh . said the old lady , apostrophizing him with infinite vehemence . i could bite you . i could not help being amused , though i heard the old lady out with feelings of real concern . it was difficult to doubt her with the father and son before me . what i might have thought of them without the old ladys account , or what i might have thought of the old ladys account without them , i cannot say . there was a fitness of things in the whole that carried conviction with it . my eyes were yet wandering , from young mr . turveydrop working so hard , to old mr . turveydrop deporting himself so beautifully , when the latter came ambling up to me and entered into conversation . he asked me , first of all , whether i conferred a charm and a distinction on london by residing in it . i did not think it necessary to reply that i was perfectly aware i should not do that , in any case , but merely told him where i did reside . a lady so graceful and accomplished , he said , kissing his right glove and afterwards extending it towards the pupils , will look leniently on the deficiencies here . we do our best to polish  . he sat down beside me , taking some pains to sit on the form , i thought , in imitation of the print of his illustrious model on the sofa . and really he did look very like it . to polish  . he repeated , taking a pinch of snuff and gently fluttering his fingers . but we are not , if i may say so to one formed to be graceful both by nature and art  with the high shouldered bow , which it seemed impossible for him to make without lifting up his eyebrows and shutting his eyes are not what we used to be in point of deportment . are we not , sir . said i . we have degenerated , he returned , shaking his head , which he could do to a very limited extent in his cravat . a levelling age is not favourable to deportment . it develops vulgarity . perhaps i speak with some little partiality . it may not be for me to say that i have been called , for some years now , gentleman turveydrop , or that his royal highness the prince regent did me the honour to inquire , on my removing my hat as he drove out of the pavilion at brighton that fine building , who is he . who the devil is he . why dont i know him . why hasnt he thirty thousand a year . but these are little matters of anecdote  general property , maam  repeated occasionally among the upper classes . indeed . said i . he replied with the high shouldered bow . where what is left among us of deportment , he added , still lingers . england  , my country . degenerated very much , and is degenerating every day . she has not many gentlemen left . we are few . i see nothing to succeed us but a race of weavers . one might hope that the race of gentlemen would be perpetuated here , said i . you are very good . he smiled with a high shouldered bow again . you flatter me . but , no  . i have never been able to imbue my poor boy with that part of his art . heaven forbid that i should disparage my dear child , but he has  deportment . he appears to be an excellent master , i observed . understand me , my dear madam , he is an excellent master . all that can be acquired , he has acquired . all that can be imparted , he can impart . but there are things  he took another pinch of snuff and made the bow again , as if to add , this kind of thing , for instance . i glanced towards the centre of the room , where miss jellybys lover , now engaged with single pupils , was undergoing greater drudgery than ever . my amiable child , murmured mr . turveydrop , adjusting his cravat . your son is indefatigable , said i . it is my reward , said mr . turveydrop , to hear you say so . in some respects , he treads in the footsteps of his sainted mother . she was a devoted creature . but wooman , lovely wooman , said mr . turveydrop with very disagreeable gallantry , what a sex you are . i rose and joined miss jellyby , who was by this time putting on her bonnet . the time allotted to a lesson having fully elapsed , there was a general putting on of bonnets . when miss jellyby and the unfortunate prince found an opportunity to become betrothed i dont know , but they certainly found none on this occasion to exchange a dozen words . my dear , said mr . turveydrop benignly to his son , do you know the hour . no , father . the son had no watch . the father had a handsome gold one , which he pulled out with an air that was an example to mankind . my son , said he , its two oclock . recollect your school at kensington at three . thats time enough for me , father , said prince . i can take a morsel of dinner standing and be off . my dear boy , returned his father , you must be very quick . you will find the cold mutton on the table . thank you , father . are you off now , father . yes , my dear . i suppose , said mr . turveydrop , shutting his eyes and lifting up his shoulders with modest consciousness , that i must show myself , as usual , about town . you had better dine out comfortably somewhere , said his son . my dear child , i intend to . i shall take my little meal , i think , at the french house , in the opera colonnade . thats right . good bye, , father . said prince , shaking hands . good bye, , my son . bless you . mr . turveydrop said this in quite a pious manner , and it seemed to do his son good , who , in parting from him , was so pleased with him , so dutiful to him , and so proud of him that i almost felt as if it were an unkindness to the younger man not to be able to believe implicitly in the elder . the few moments that were occupied by prince in taking leave of us and particularly of one of us , as i saw , being in the secret , enhanced my favourable impression of his almost childish character . i felt a liking for him and a compassion for him as he put his little kit in his pocket  with it his desire to stay a little while with caddy  went away good humouredly to his cold mutton and his school at kensington , that made me scarcely less irate with his father than the censorious old lady . the father opened the room door for us and bowed us out in a manner , i must acknowledge , worthy of his shining original . in the same style he presently passed us on the other side of the street , on his way to the aristocratic part of the town , where he was going to show himself among the few other gentlemen left . for some moments , i was so lost in reconsidering what i had heard and seen in newman street that i was quite unable to talk to caddy or even to fix my attention on what she said to me , especially when i began to inquire in my mind whether there were , or ever had been , any other gentlemen , not in the dancing profession , who lived and founded a reputation entirely on their deportment . this became so bewildering and suggested the possibility of so many mr . turveydrops that i said , esther , you must make up your mind to abandon this subject altogether and attend to caddy . i accordingly did so , and we chatted all the rest of the way to lincolns inn . caddy told me that her lovers education had been so neglected that it was not always easy to read his notes . she said if he were not so anxious about his spelling and took less pains to make it clear , he would do better but he put so many unnecessary letters into short words that they sometimes quite lost their english appearance . he does it with the best intention , observed caddy , but it hasnt the effect he means , poor fellow . caddy then went on to reason , how could he be expected to be a scholar when he had passed his whole life in the dancing school and had done nothing but teach and fag , and teach , morning , noon , and night . and what did it matter . she could write letters enough for both , as she knew to her cost , and it was far better for him to be amiable than learned . besides , its not as if i was an accomplished girl who had any right to give herself airs , said caddy . i know little enough , i am sure , thanks to ma . theres another thing i want to tell you , now we are alone , continued caddy , which i should not have liked to mention unless you had seen prince , miss summerson . you know what a house ours is . its of no use my trying to learn anything that it would be useful for princes wife to know in our house . we live in such a state of muddle that its impossible , and i have only been more disheartened whenever i have tried . so i get a little practice with  do you think . poor miss flite . early in the morning i help her to tidy her room and clean her birds , and i make her cup of coffee for her of course she taught me , and i have learnt to make it so well that prince says its the very best coffee he ever tasted , and would quite delight old mr . turveydrop , who is very particular indeed about his coffee . i can make little puddings too and i know how to buy neck of mutton , and tea , and sugar , and butter , and a good many housekeeping things . i am not clever at my needle , yet , said caddy , glancing at the repairs on peepys frock , but perhaps i shall improve , and since i have been engaged to prince and have been doing all this , i have felt better tempered, , i hope , and more forgiving to ma . it rather put me out at first this morning to see you and miss clare looking so neat and pretty and to feel ashamed of peepy and myself too , but on the whole i hope i am better tempered than i was and more forgiving to ma . the poor girl , trying so hard , said it from her heart , and touched mine . caddy , my love , i replied , i begin to have a great affection for you , and i hope we shall become friends . oh , do you . cried caddy . how happy that would make me . my dear caddy , said i , let us be friends from this time , and let us often have a chat about these matters and try to find the right way through them . caddy was overjoyed . i said everything i could in my old fashioned way to comfort and encourage her , and i would not have objected to old mr . turveydrop that day for any smaller consideration than a settlement on his daughter in . by this time we were come to mr . krooks , whose private door stood open . there was a bill , pasted on the door post, , announcing a room to let on the second floor . it reminded caddy to tell me as we proceeded upstairs that there had been a sudden death there and an inquest and that our little friend had been ill of the fright . the door and window of the vacant room being open , we looked in . it was the room with the dark door to which miss flite had secretly directed my attention when i was last in the house . a sad and desolate place it was , a gloomy , sorrowful place that gave me a strange sensation of mournfulness and even dread . you look pale , said caddy when we came out , and cold . i felt as if the room had chilled me . we had walked slowly while we were talking , and my guardian and ada were here before us . we found them in miss flites garret . they were looking at the birds , while a medical gentleman who was so good as to attend miss flite with much solicitude and compassion spoke with her cheerfully by the fire . i have finished my professional visit , he said , coming forward . miss flite is much better and may appear in court as her mind is set upon it to morrow . she has been greatly missed there , i understand . miss flite received the compliment with complacency and dropped a general curtsy to us . honoured , indeed , said she , by another visit from the wards in jarndyce . ve ry happy to receive jarndyce of bleak house beneath my humble roof . with a special curtsy . fitz jarndyce, , my dear  had bestowed that name on caddy , it appeared , and always called her by it  double welcome . has she been very ill . asked mr . jarndyce of the gentleman whom we had found in attendance on her . she answered for herself directly , though he had put the question in a whisper . oh , decidedly unwell . oh , very unwell indeed , she said confidentially . not pain , you know  . not bodily so much as nervous , . the truth is , in a subdued voice and trembling , we have had death here . there was poison in the house . i am very susceptible to such horrid things . it frightened me . only mr . woodcourt knows how much . my physician , mr . woodcourt . with great stateliness . the wards in jarndyce  of bleak house  . miss flite , said mr . woodcourt in a grave kind of voice , as if he were appealing to her while speaking to us , and laying his hand gently on her arm , miss flite describes her illness with her usual accuracy . she was alarmed by an occurrence in the house which might have alarmed a stronger person , and was made ill by the distress and agitation . she brought me here in the first hurry of the discovery , though too late for me to be of any use to the unfortunate man . i have compensated myself for that disappointment by coming here since and being of some small use to her . the kindest physician in the college , whispered miss flite to me . i expect a judgment . on the day of judgment . and shall then confer estates . she will be as well in a day or two , said mr . woodcourt , looking at her with an observant smile , as she ever will be . in other words , quite well of course . have you heard of her good fortune . most extraordinary . said miss flite , smiling brightly . you never heard of such a thing , my dear . every saturday , conversation kenge or guppy places in my hand a paper of shillings . shillings . i assure you . always the same number in the paper . always one for every day in the week . now you know , really . so well timed, , is it not . ye es . from whence do these papers come , you say . that is the great question . naturally . shall i tell you what i think . i think , said miss flite , drawing herself back with a very shrewd look and shaking her right forefinger in a most significant manner , that the lord chancellor , aware of the length of time during which the great seal has been open for it has been open a long time . forwards them . until the judgment i expect is given . now thats very creditable , you know . to confess in that way that he is a little slow for human life . so delicate . attending court the other day  attend it regularly , with my documents  taxed him with it , and he almost confessed . that is , i smiled at him from my bench , and he smiled at me from his bench . but its great good fortune , is it not . and fitz jarndyce lays the money out for me to great advantage . oh , i assure you to the greatest advantage . i congratulated her upon this fortunate addition to her income and wished her a long continuance of it . i did not speculate upon the source from which it came or wonder whose humanity was so considerate . my guardian stood before me , contemplating the birds , and i had no need to look beyond him . and what do you call these little fellows , maam . said he in his pleasant voice . have they any names . i can answer for miss flite that they have , said i , for she promised to tell us what they were . ada remembers . ada remembered very well . did i . said miss flite . whos that at my door . what are you listening at my door for , krook . the old man of the house , pushing it open before him , appeared there with his fur cap in his hand and his cat at his heels . i warnt listening , miss flite , he said , i was going to give a rap with my knuckles , only youre so quick . make your cat go down . drive her away . the old lady angrily exclaimed . bah , . there aint no danger , gentlefolks , said mr . krook , looking slowly and sharply from one to another until he had looked at all of us shed never offer at the birds when i was here unless i told her to it . you will excuse my landlord , said the old lady with a dignified air . m , quite m . what do you want , krook , when i have company . hi . said the old man . you know i am the chancellor . well . returned miss flite . what of that . for the chancellor , said the old man with a chuckle , not to be acquainted with a jarndyce is queer , aint it , miss flite . mightnt i take the liberty . your servant , sir . i know jarndyce and jarndyce amost as well as you do , sir . i knowed old squire tom , sir . i never to my knowledge see you afore though , not even in court . yet , i go there a mortal sight of times in the course of the year , taking one day with another . i never go there , said mr . jarndyce which he never did on any consideration . i would sooner go  else . would you though . returned krook , grinning . youre bearing hard upon my noble and learned brother in your meaning , sir , though perhaps it is but natral in a jarndyce . the burnt child , sir . what , youre looking at my lodgers birds , mr . jarndyce . the old man had come by little and little into the room until he now touched my guardian with his elbow and looked close up into his face with his spectacled eyes . its one of her strange ways that shell never tell the names of these birds if she can help it , though she named em all . this was in a whisper . shall i run em over , flite . he asked aloud , winking at us and pointing at her as she turned away , affecting to sweep the grate . if you like , she answered hurriedly . the old man , looking up at the cages after another look at us , went through the list . hope , joy , youth , peace , rest , life , dust , ashes , waste , want , ruin , despair , madness , death , cunning , folly , words , wigs , rags , sheepskin , plunder , precedent , jargon , gammon , and spinach . thats the whole collection , said the old man , all cooped up together , by my noble and learned brother . this is a bitter wind . muttered my guardian . when my noble and learned brother gives his judgment , theyre to be let go free , said krook , winking at us again . and then , he added , whispering and grinning , if that ever was to happen  it wont  birds that have never been caged would kill em . if ever the wind was in the east , said my guardian , pretending to look out of the window for a weathercock , i think its there to day . we found it very difficult to get away from the house . it was not miss flite who detained us she was as reasonable a little creature in consulting the convenience of others as there possibly could be . it was mr . krook . he seemed unable to detach himself from mr . jarndyce . if he had been linked to him , he could hardly have attended him more closely . he proposed to show us his court of chancery and all the strange medley it contained during the whole of our inspection he kept close to mr . jarndyce and sometimes detained him under one pretence or other until we had passed on , as if he were tormented by an inclination to enter upon some secret subject which he could not make up his mind to approach . i cannot imagine a countenance and manner more singularly expressive of caution and indecision , and a perpetual impulse to do something he could not resolve to venture on , than mr . krooks was that day . his watchfulness of my guardian was incessant . he rarely removed his eyes from his face . if he went on beside him , he observed him with the slyness of an old white fox . if he went before , he looked back . when we stood still , he got opposite to him , and drawing his hand across and across his open mouth with a curious expression of a sense of power , and turning up his eyes , and lowering his grey eyebrows until they appeared to be shut , seemed to scan every lineament of his face . at last , having been all over the house and having seen the whole stock of miscellaneous lumber , which was certainly curious , we came into the back part of the shop . here on the head of an empty barrel stood on end were an ink bottle, , some old stumps of pens , and some dirty playbills and against the wall were pasted several large printed alphabets in several plain hands . what are you doing here . asked my guardian . trying to learn myself to read and write , said krook . and how do you get on . slow . bad , returned the old man impatiently . its hard at my time of life . it would be easier to be taught by some one , said my guardian . aye , but they might teach me wrong . returned the old man with a wonderfully suspicious flash of his eye . i dont know what i may have lost by not being learned afore . i wouldnt like to lose anything by being learned wrong now . wrong . said my guardian with his good humoured smile . who do you suppose would teach you wrong . i dont know , mr . jarndyce of bleak house . replied the old man , turning up his spectacles on his forehead and rubbing his hands . i dont suppose as anybody would , but id rather trust my own self than another . these answers and his manner were strange enough to cause my guardian to inquire of mr . woodcourt , as we all walked across lincolns inn together , whether mr . krook were really , as his lodger represented him , deranged . the young surgeon replied , no , he had seen no reason to think so . he was exceedingly distrustful , as ignorance usually was , and he was always more or less under the influence of raw gin , of which he drank great quantities and of which he and his back shop, , as we might have observed , smelt strongly but he did not think him mad as yet . on our way home , i so conciliated peepys affections by buying him a windmill and two flour sacks that he would suffer nobody else to take off his hat and gloves and would sit nowhere at dinner but at my side . caddy sat upon the other side of me , next to ada , to whom we imparted the whole history of the engagement as soon as we got back . we made much of caddy , and peepy too and caddy brightened exceedingly and my guardian was as merry as we were and we were all very happy indeed until caddy went home at night in a hackney coach, , with peepy fast asleep , but holding tight to the windmill . i have forgotten to mention  least i have not mentioned  mr . woodcourt was the same dark young surgeon whom we had met at mr . badgers . or that mr . jarndyce invited him to dinner that day . or that he came . or that when they were all gone and i said to ada , now , my darling , let us have a little talk about richard . ada laughed and said  but i dont think it matters what my darling said . she was always merry . chapter xv bell yard while we were in london mr . jarndyce was constantly beset by the crowd of excitable ladies and gentlemen whose proceedings had so much astonished us . mr . quale , who presented himself soon after our arrival , was in all such excitements . he seemed to project those two shining knobs of temples of his into everything that went on and to brush his hair farther and farther back , until the very roots were almost ready to fly out of his head in inappeasable philanthropy . all objects were alike to him , but he was always particularly ready for anything in the way of a testimonial to any one . his great power seemed to be his power of indiscriminate admiration . he would sit for any length of time , with the utmost enjoyment , bathing his temples in the light of any order of luminary . having first seen him perfectly swallowed up in admiration of mrs . jellyby , i had supposed her to be the absorbing object of his devotion . i soon discovered my mistake and found him to be train bearer and organ blower to a whole procession of people . mrs . pardiggle came one day for a subscription to something , and with her , mr . quale . whatever mrs . pardiggle said , mr . quale repeated to us and just as he had drawn mrs . jellyby out , he drew mrs . pardiggle out . mrs . pardiggle wrote a letter of introduction to my guardian in behalf of her eloquent friend mr . gusher . with mr . gusher appeared mr . quale again . mr . gusher , being a flabby gentleman with a moist surface and eyes so much too small for his moon of a face that they seemed to have been originally made for somebody else , was not at first sight prepossessing yet he was scarcely seated before mr . quale asked ada and me , not inaudibly , whether he was not a great creature  he certainly was , flabbily speaking , though mr . quale meant in intellectual beauty  whether we were not struck by his massive configuration of brow . in short , we heard of a great many missions of various sorts among this set of people , but nothing respecting them was half so clear to us as that it was mr . quales mission to be in ecstasies with everybody elses mission and that it was the most popular mission of all . mr . jarndyce had fallen into this company in the tenderness of his heart and his earnest desire to do all the good in his power but that he felt it to be too often an unsatisfactory company , where benevolence took spasmodic forms , where charity was assumed as a regular uniform by loud professors and speculators in cheap notoriety , vehement in profession , restless and vain in action , servile in the last degree of meanness to the great , adulatory of one another , and intolerable to those who were anxious quietly to help the weak from failing rather than with a great deal of bluster and self laudation to raise them up a little way when they were down , he plainly told us . when a testimonial was originated to mr . quale by mr . gusher and when mr . gusher spoke for an hour and a half on the subject to a meeting , including two charity schools of small boys and girls , who were specially reminded of the widows mite , and requested to come forward with halfpence and be acceptable sacrifices , i think the wind was in the east for three whole weeks . i mention this because i am coming to mr . skimpole again . it seemed to me that his off hand professions of childishness and carelessness were a great relief to my guardian , by contrast with such things , and were the more readily believed in since to find one perfectly undesigning and candid man among many opposites could not fail to give him pleasure . i should be sorry to imply that mr . skimpole divined this and was politic i really never understood him well enough to know . what he was to my guardian , he certainly was to the rest of the world . he had not been very well and thus , though he lived in london , we had seen nothing of him until now . he appeared one morning in his usual agreeable way and as full of pleasant spirits as ever . well , he said , here he was . he had been bilious , but rich men were often bilious , and therefore he had been persuading himself that he was a man of property . so he was , in a certain point of view  his expansive intentions . he had been enriching his medical attendant in the most lavish manner . he had always doubled , and sometimes quadrupled , his fees . he had said to the doctor , now , my dear doctor , it is quite a delusion on your part to suppose that you attend me for nothing . i am overwhelming you with money  my expansive intentions  you only knew it . and really he meant it to that degree that he thought it much the same as doing it . if he had those bits of metal or thin paper to which mankind attached so much importance to put in the doctors hand , he would have put them in the doctors hand . not having them , he substituted the will for the deed . very well . if he really meant it  his will were genuine and real , which it was  appeared to him that it was the same as coin , and cancelled the obligation . it may be , partly , because i know nothing of the value of money , said mr . skimpole , but i often feel this . it seems so reasonable . my butcher says to me he wants that little bill . its a part of the pleasant unconscious poetry of the mans nature that he always calls it a little bill  make the payment appear easy to both of us . i reply to the butcher , my good friend , if you knew it , you are paid . you havent had the trouble of coming to ask for the little bill . you are paid . i mean it . but , suppose , said my guardian , laughing , he had meant the meat in the bill , instead of providing it . my dear jarndyce , he returned , you surprise me . you take the butchers position . a butcher i once dealt with occupied that very ground . says he , sir , why did you eat spring lamb at eighteen pence a pound . why did i eat spring lamb at eighteen pence a pound , my honest friend . said i , naturally amazed by the question . i like spring lamb . this was so far convincing . well , sir , says he , i wish i had meant the lamb as you mean the money . my good fellow , said i , pray let us reason like intellectual beings . how could that be . it was impossible . you had got the lamb , and i have not got the money . you couldnt really mean the lamb without sending it in , whereas i can , and do , really mean the money without paying it . he had not a word . there was an end of the subject . did he take no legal proceedings . inquired my guardian . yes , he took legal proceedings , said mr . skimpole . but in that he was influenced by passion , not by reason . passion reminds me of boythorn . he writes me that you and the ladies have promised him a short visit at his bachelor house in lincolnshire . he is a great favourite with my girls , said mr . jarndyce , and i have promised for them . nature forgot to shade him off , i think , observed mr . skimpole to ada and me . a little too boisterous  the sea . a little too vehement  a bull who has made up his mind to consider every colour scarlet . but i grant a sledge hammering sort of merit in him . i should have been surprised if those two could have thought very highly of one another , mr . boythorn attaching so much importance to many things and mr . skimpole caring so little for anything . besides which , i had noticed mr . boythorn more than once on the point of breaking out into some strong opinion when mr . skimpole was referred to . of course i merely joined ada in saying that we had been greatly pleased with him . he has invited me , said mr . skimpole and if a child may trust himself in such hands  the present child is encouraged to do , with the united tenderness of two angels to guard him  shall go . he proposes to frank me down and back again . i suppose it will cost money . shillings perhaps . or pounds . or something of that sort . by the by , coavinses . you remember our friend coavinses , miss summerson . he asked me as the subject arose in his mind , in his graceful , light hearted manner and without the least embarrassment . oh , yes . said i . coavinses has been arrested by the great bailiff , said mr . skimpole . he will never do violence to the sunshine any more . it quite shocked me to hear it , for i had already recalled with anything but a serious association the image of the man sitting on the sofa that night wiping his head . his successor informed me of it yesterday , said mr . skimpole . his successor is in my house now  possession , i think he calls it . he came yesterday , on my blue eyed daughters birthday . i put it to him , this is unreasonable and inconvenient . if you had a blue eyed daughter you wouldnt like me to come , uninvited , on her birthday . but he stayed . mr . skimpole laughed at the pleasant absurdity and lightly touched the piano by which he was seated . and he told me , he said , playing little chords where i shall put full stops , the coavinses had left . three children . no mother . and that coavinses profession . being unpopular . the rising coavinses . were at a considerable disadvantage . mr . jarndyce got up , rubbing his head , and began to walk about . mr . skimpole played the melody of one of adas favourite songs . ada and i both looked at mr . jarndyce , thinking that we knew what was passing in his mind . after walking and stopping , and several times leaving off rubbing his head , and beginning again , my guardian put his hand upon the keys and stopped mr . skimpoles playing . i dont like this , skimpole , he said thoughtfully . mr . skimpole , who had quite forgotten the subject , looked up surprised . the man was necessary , pursued my guardian , walking backward and forward in the very short space between the piano and the end of the room and rubbing his hair up from the back of his head as if a high east wind had blown it into that form . if we make such men necessary by our faults and follies , or by our want of worldly knowledge , or by our misfortunes , we must not revenge ourselves upon them . there was no harm in his trade . he maintained his children . one would like to know more about this . oh . coavinses . cried mr . skimpole , at length perceiving what he meant . nothing easier . a walk to coavinses headquarters , and you can know what you will . mr . jarndyce nodded to us , who were only waiting for the signal . come . we will walk that way , my dears . why not that way as soon as another . we were quickly ready and went out . mr . skimpole went with us and quite enjoyed the expedition . it was so new and so refreshing , he said , for him to want coavinses instead of coavinses wanting him . he took us , first , to cursitor street , chancery lane , where there was a house with barred windows , which he called coavinses castle . on our going into the entry and ringing a bell , a very hideous boy came out of a sort of office and looked at us over a spiked wicket . who did you want . said the boy , fitting two of the spikes into his chin . there was a follower , or an officer , or something , here , said mr . jarndyce , who is dead . yes . said the boy . well . i want to know his name , if you please . name of neckett , said the boy . and his address . bell yard , said the boy . chandlers shop , left hand side , name of blinder . was he  dont know how to shape the question  murmured my guardian , industrious . was neckett . said the boy . yes , wery much so . he was never tired of watching . hed set upon a post at a street corner eight or ten hours at a stretch if he undertook to do it . he might have done worse , i heard my guardian soliloquize . he might have undertaken to do it and not done it . thank you . thats all i want . we left the boy , with his head on one side and his arms on the gate , fondling and sucking the spikes , and went back to lincolns inn , where mr . skimpole , who had not cared to remain nearer coavinses , awaited us . then we all went to bell yard , a narrow alley at a very short distance . we soon found the chandlers shop . in it was a good natured old woman with a dropsy , or an asthma , or perhaps both . necketts children . said she in reply to my inquiry . yes , surely , miss . three pair , if you please . door right opposite the stairs . and she handed me the key across the counter . i glanced at the key and glanced at her , but she took it for granted that i knew what to do with it . as it could only be intended for the childrens door , i came out without asking any more questions and led the way up the dark stairs . we went as quietly as we could , but four of us made some noise on the aged boards , and when we came to the second story we found we had disturbed a man who was standing there looking out of his room . is it gridley thats wanted . he said , fixing his eyes on me with an angry stare . no , sir , said i am going higher up . he looked at ada , and at mr . jarndyce , and at mr . skimpole , fixing the same angry stare on each in succession as they passed and followed me . mr . jarndyce gave him good day . good day . he said abruptly and fiercely . he was a tall , sallow man with a careworn head on which but little hair remained , a deeply lined face , and prominent eyes . he had a combative look and a chafing , irritable manner which , associated with his figure  large and powerful , though evidently in its decline  alarmed me . he had a pen in his hand , and in the glimpse i caught of his room in passing , i saw that it was covered with a litter of papers . leaving him standing there , we went up to the top room . i tapped at the door , and a little shrill voice inside said , we are locked in . mrs . blinders got the key . i applied the key on hearing this and opened the door . in a poor room with a sloping ceiling and containing very little furniture was a mite of a boy , some five or six years old , nursing and hushing a heavy child of eighteen months . there was no fire , though the weather was cold both children were wrapped in some poor shawls and tippets as a substitute . their clothing was not so warm , however , but that their noses looked red and pinched and their small figures shrunken as the boy walked up and down nursing and hushing the child with its head on his shoulder . who has locked you up here alone . we naturally asked . charley , said the boy , standing still to gaze at us . is charley your brother . no . shes my sister , charlotte . father called her charley . are there any more of you besides charley . me , said the boy , and emma , patting the limp bonnet of the child he was nursing . and charley . where is charley now . out a washing, , said the boy , beginning to walk up and down again and taking the nankeen bonnet much too near the bedstead by trying to gaze at us at the same time . we were looking at one another and at these two children when there came into the room a very little girl , childish in figure but shrewd and older looking in the face  too  a womanly sort of bonnet much too large for her and drying her bare arms on a womanly sort of apron . her fingers were white and wrinkled with washing , and the soap suds were yet smoking which she wiped off her arms . but for this , she might have been a child playing at washing and imitating a poor working woman with a quick observation of the truth . she had come running from some place in the neighbourhood and had made all the haste she could . consequently , though she was very light , she was out of breath and could not speak at first , as she stood panting , and wiping her arms , and looking quietly at us . oh , heres charley . said the boy . the child he was nursing stretched forth its arms and cried out to be taken by charley . the little girl took it , in a womanly sort of manner belonging to the apron and the bonnet , and stood looking at us over the burden that clung to her most affectionately . is it possible , whispered my guardian as we put a chair for the little creature and got her to sit down with her load , the boy keeping close to her , holding to her apron , that this child works for the rest . look at this . for gods sake , look at this . it was a thing to look at . the three children close together , and two of them relying solely on the third , and the third so young and yet with an air of age and steadiness that sat so strangely on the childish figure . charley , . said my guardian . how old are you . over thirteen , sir , replied the child . oh . what a great age , said my guardian . what a great age , charley . i cannot describe the tenderness with which he spoke to her , half playfully yet all the more compassionately and mournfully . and do you live alone here with these babies , charley . said my guardian . yes , sir , returned the child , looking up into his face with perfect confidence , since father died . and how do you live , charley . oh . charley , said my guardian , turning his face away for a moment , how do you live . since father died , sir , ive gone out to work . im out washing to day . god help you , charley . said my guardian . youre not tall enough to reach the tub . in pattens i am , sir , she said quickly . ive got a high pair as belonged to mother . and when did mother die . poor mother . mother died just after emma was born , said the child , glancing at the face upon her bosom . then father said i was to be as good a mother to her as i could . and so i tried . and so i worked at home and did cleaning and nursing and washing for a long time before i began to go out . and thats how i know how dont you see , sir . and do you often go out . as often as i can , said charley , opening her eyes and smiling , because of earning sixpences and shillings . and do you always lock the babies up when you go out . to keep em safe , sir , dont you see . said charley . mrs . blinder comes up now and then , and mr . gridley comes up sometimes , and perhaps i can run in sometimes , and they can play you know , and tom ant afraid of being locked up , are you , tom . no o . said tom stoutly . when it comes on dark , the lamps are lighted down in the court , and they show up here quite bright  quite bright . dont they , tom . yes , charley , said tom , almost quite bright . then hes as good as gold , said the little creature  , in such a motherly , womanly way . and when emmas tired , he puts her to bed . and when hes tired he goes to bed himself . and when i come home and light the candle and has a bit of supper , he sits up again and has it with me . dont you , tom . oh , yes , charley . said tom . that i do . and either in this glimpse of the great pleasure of his life or in gratitude and love for charley , who was all in all to him , he laid his face among the scanty folds of her frock and passed from laughing into crying . it was the first time since our entry that a tear had been shed among these children . the little orphan girl had spoken of their father and their mother as if all that sorrow were subdued by the necessity of taking courage , and by her childish importance in being able to work , and by her bustling busy way . but now , when tom cried , although she sat quite tranquil , looking quietly at us , and did not by any movement disturb a hair of the head of either of her little charges , i saw two silent tears fall down her face . i stood at the window with ada , pretending to look at the housetops , and the blackened stack of chimneys , and the poor plants , and the birds in little cages belonging to the neighbours , when i found that mrs . blinder , from the shop below , had come in perhaps it had taken her all this time to get upstairs and was talking to my guardian . its not much to forgive em the rent , sir , she said who could take it from them . well , . said my guardian to us two . it is enough that the time will come when this good woman will find that it was much , and that forasmuch as she did it unto the least of these  child , he added after a few moments , could she possibly continue this . really , sir , i think she might , said mrs . blinder , getting her heavy breath by painful degrees . shes as handy as its possible to be . bless you , sir , the way she tended them two children after the mother died was the talk of the yard . and it was a wonder to see her with him after he was took ill , it really was . mrs . blinder , he said to me the very last he spoke  was lying there  . blinder , whatever my calling may have been , i see a angel sitting in this room last night along with my child , and i trust her to our father . he had no other calling . said my guardian . no , sir , returned mrs . blinder , he was nothing but a follerers . when he first came to lodge here , i didnt know what he was , and i confess that when i found out i gave him notice . it wasnt liked in the yard . it wasnt approved by the other lodgers . it is not a genteel calling , said mrs . blinder , and most people do object to it . mr . gridley objected to it very strong , and he is a good lodger , though his temper has been hard tried . so you gave him notice . said my guardian . so i gave him notice , said mrs . blinder . but really when the time came , and i knew no other ill of him , i was in doubts . he was punctual and diligent he did what he had to do , sir , said mrs . blinder , unconsciously fixing mr . skimpole with her eye , and its something in this world even to do that . so you kept him after all . why , i said that if he could arrange with mr . gridley , i could arrange it with the other lodgers and should not so much mind its being liked or disliked in the yard . mr . gridley gave his consent gruff  gave it . he was always gruff with him , but he has been kind to the children since . a person is never known till a person is proved . have many people been kind to the children . asked mr . jarndyce . upon the whole , not so bad , sir , said mrs . blinder but certainly not so many as would have been if their fathers calling had been different . mr . coavins gave a guinea , and the follerers made up a little purse . some neighbours in the yard that had always joked and tapped their shoulders when he went by came forward with a little subscription , and  general  so bad . similarly with charlotte . some people wont employ her because she was a follerers child some people that do employ her cast it at her some make a merit of having her to work for them , with that and all her draw backs upon her , and perhaps pay her less and put upon her more . but shes patienter than others would be , and is clever too , and always willing , up to the full mark of her strength and over . so i should say , in general , not so bad , sir , but might be better . mrs . blinder sat down to give herself a more favourable opportunity of recovering her breath , exhausted anew by so much talking before it was fully restored . mr . jarndyce was turning to speak to us when his attention was attracted by the abrupt entrance into the room of the mr . gridley who had been mentioned and whom we had seen on our way up . i dont know what you may be doing here , ladies and gentlemen , he said , as if he resented our presence , but youll excuse my coming in . i dont come in to stare about me . well , charley . well , tom . well , little one . how is it with us all to day . he bent over the group in a caressing way and clearly was regarded as a friend by the children , though his face retained its stern character and his manner to us was as rude as it could be . my guardian noticed it and respected it . no one , surely , would come here to stare about him , he said mildly . may be so , sir , may be so , returned the other , taking tom upon his knee and waving him off impatiently . i dont want to argue with ladies and gentlemen . i have had enough of arguing to last one man his life . you have sufficient reason , i dare say , said mr . jarndyce , for being chafed and irritated  there again . exclaimed the man , becoming violently angry . i am of a quarrelsome temper . i am irascible . i am not polite . not very , i think . sir , said gridley , putting down the child and going up to him as if he meant to strike him , do you know anything of courts of equity . perhaps i do , to my sorrow . to your sorrow . said the man , pausing in his wrath , if so , i beg your pardon . i am not polite , i know . i beg your pardon . sir , with renewed violence , i have been dragged for five and twenty years over burning iron , and i have lost the habit of treading upon velvet . go into the court of chancery yonder and ask what is one of the standing jokes that brighten up their business sometimes , and they will tell you that the best joke they have is the man from shropshire . i , he said , beating one hand on the other passionately , am the man from shropshire . i believe i and my family have also had the honour of furnishing some entertainment in the same grave place , said my guardian composedly . you may have heard my name  . mr . jarndyce , said gridley with a rough sort of salutation , you bear your wrongs more quietly than i can bear mine . more than that , i tell you  i tell this gentleman , and these young ladies , if they are friends of yours  if i took my wrongs in any other way , i should be driven mad . it is only by resenting them , and by revenging them in my mind , and by angrily demanding the justice i never get , that i am able to keep my wits together . it is only that . he said , speaking in a homely , rustic way and with great vehemence . you may tell me that i over excite myself . i answer that its in my nature to do it , under wrong , and i must do it . theres nothing between doing it , and sinking into the smiling state of the poor little mad woman that haunts the court . if i was once to sit down under it , i should become imbecile . the passion and heat in which he was , and the manner in which his face worked , and the violent gestures with which he accompanied what he said , were most painful to see . mr . jarndyce , he said , consider my case . as true as there is a heaven above us , this is my case . i am one of two brothers . my father made a will and left his farm and stock and so forth to my mother for her life . after my mothers death , all was to come to me except a legacy of three hundred pounds that i was then to pay my brother . my mother died . my brother some time afterwards claimed his legacy . i and some of my relations said that he had a part of it already in board and lodging and some other things . now mind . that was the question , and nothing else . no one disputed the will no one disputed anything but whether part of that three hundred pounds had been already paid or not . to settle that question , my brother filing a bill , i was obliged to go into this accursed chancery i was forced there because the law forced me and would let me go nowhere else . seventeen people were made defendants to that simple suit . it first came on after two years . it was then stopped for another two years while the master inquired whether i was my fathers son , about which there was no dispute at all with any mortal creature . he then found out that there were not defendants enough  , there were only seventeen as yet . that we must have another who had been left out and must begin all over again . the costs at that time  the thing was begun . three times the legacy . my brother would have given up the legacy , and joyful , to escape more costs . my whole estate , left to me in that will of my fathers , has gone in costs . the suit , still undecided , has fallen into rack , and ruin , and despair , with everything else  here i stand , this day . now , mr . jarndyce , in your suit there are thousands and thousands involved , where in mine there are hundreds . is mine less hard to bear or is it harder to bear , when my whole living was in it and has been thus shamefully sucked away . mr . jarndyce said that he condoled with him with all his heart and that he set up no monopoly himself in being unjustly treated by this monstrous system . there again . said mr . gridley with no diminution of his rage . the system . i am told on all hands , its the system . i mustnt look to individuals . its the system . i mustnt go into court and say , my lord , i beg to know this from you  this right or wrong . have you the face to tell me i have received justice and therefore am dismissed . my lord knows nothing of it . he sits there to administer the system . i mustnt go to mr . tulkinghorn , the solicitor in lincolns inn fields , and say to him when he makes me furious by being so cool and satisfied  they all do , for i know they gain by it while i lose , dont i . mustnt say to him , i will have something out of some one for my ruin , by fair means or foul . he is not responsible . its the system . but , if i do no violence to any of them , here  may . i dont know what may happen if i am carried beyond myself at last . i will accuse the individual workers of that system against me , face to face , before the great eternal bar . his passion was fearful . i could not have believed in such rage without seeing it . i have done . he said , sitting down and wiping his face . mr . jarndyce , i have done . i am violent , i know . i ought to know it . i have been in prison for contempt of court . i have been in prison for threatening the solicitor . i have been in this trouble , and that trouble , and shall be again . i am the man from shropshire , and i sometimes go beyond amusing them , though they have found it amusing , too , to see me committed into custody and brought up in custody and all that . it would be better for me , they tell me , if i restrained myself . i tell them that if i did restrain myself i should become imbecile . i was a good enough man once , i believe . people in my part of the country say they remember me so , but now i must have this vent under my sense of injury or nothing could hold my wits together . it would be far better for you , mr . gridley , the lord chancellor told me last week , not to waste your time here , and to stay , usefully employed , down in shropshire . my lord , my lord , i know it would , said i to him , and it would have been far better for me never to have heard the name of your high office , but unhappily for me , i cant undo the past , and the past drives me here . besides , he added , breaking fiercely out , ill shame them . to the last , ill show myself in that court to its shame . if i knew when i was going to die , and could be carried there , and had a voice to speak with , i would die there , saying , you have brought me here and sent me from here many and many a time . now send me out feet foremost . his countenance had , perhaps for years , become so set in its contentious expression that it did not soften , even now when he was quiet . i came to take these babies down to my room for an hour , he said , going to them again , and let them play about . i didnt mean to say all this , but it dont much signify . youre not afraid of me , tom , are you . no . said tom . you aint angry with me . you are right , my child . youre going back , charley . aye . come then , little one . he took the youngest child on his arm , where she was willing enough to be carried . i shouldnt wonder if we found a ginger bread soldier downstairs . lets go and look for him . he made his former rough salutation , which was not deficient in a certain respect , to mr . jarndyce , and bowing slightly to us , went downstairs to his room . upon that , mr . skimpole began to talk , for the first time since our arrival , in his usual gay strain . he said , well , it was really very pleasant to see how things lazily adapted themselves to purposes . here was this mr . gridley , a man of a robust will and surprising energy  speaking , a sort of inharmonious blacksmith  he could easily imagine that there gridley was , years ago , wandering about in life for something to expend his superfluous combativeness upon  sort of young love among the thorns  the court of chancery came in his way and accommodated him with the exact thing he wanted . there they were , matched , ever afterwards . otherwise he might have been a great general , blowing up all sorts of towns , or he might have been a great politician , dealing in all sorts of parliamentary rhetoric but as it was , he and the court of chancery had fallen upon each other in the pleasantest way , and nobody was much the worse , and gridley was , so to speak , from that hour provided for . then look at coavinses . how delightfully poor coavinses father of these charming children illustrated the same principle . he , mr . skimpole , himself , had sometimes repined at the existence of coavinses . he had found coavinses in his way . he could had dispensed with coavinses . there had been times when , if he had been a sultan , and his grand vizier had said one morning , what does the commander of the faithful require at the hands of his slave . he might have even gone so far as to reply , the head of coavinses . but what turned out to be the case . that , all that time , he had been giving employment to a most deserving man , that he had been a benefactor to coavinses , that he had actually been enabling coavinses to bring up these charming children in this agreeable way , developing these social virtues . insomuch that his heart had just now swelled and the tears had come into his eyes when he had looked round the room and thought , i was the great patron of coavinses , and his little comforts were my work . there was something so captivating in his light way of touching these fantastic strings , and he was such a mirthful child by the side of the graver childhood we had seen , that he made my guardian smile even as he turned towards us from a little private talk with mrs . blinder . we kissed charley , and took her downstairs with us , and stopped outside the house to see her run away to her work . i dont know where she was going , but we saw her run , such a little , creature in her womanly bonnet and apron , through a covered way at the bottom of the court and melt into the citys strife and sound like a dewdrop in an ocean . chapter xvi tom all my lady dedlock is restless , very restless . the astonished fashionable intelligence hardly knows where to have her . to day she is at chesney wold yesterday she was at her house in town to morrow she may be abroad , for anything the fashionable intelligence can with confidence predict . even sir leicesters gallantry has some trouble to keep pace with her . it would have more but that his other faithful ally , for better and for worse  gout  into the old oak bed chamber at chesney wold and grips him by both legs . sir leicester receives the gout as a troublesome demon , but still a demon of the patrician order . all the dedlocks , in the direct male line , through a course of time during and beyond which the memory of man goeth not to the contrary , have had the gout . it can be proved , sir . other mens fathers may have died of the rheumatism or may have taken base contagion from the tainted blood of the sick vulgar , but the dedlock family have communicated something exclusive even to the levelling process of dying by dying of their own family gout . it has come down through the illustrious line like the plate , or the pictures , or the place in lincolnshire . it is among their dignities . sir leicester is perhaps not wholly without an impression , though he has never resolved it into words , that the angel of death in the discharge of his necessary duties may observe to the shades of the aristocracy , my lords and gentlemen , i have the honour to present to you another dedlock certified to have arrived per the family gout . hence sir leicester yields up his family legs to the family disorder as if he held his name and fortune on that feudal tenure . he feels that for a dedlock to be laid upon his back and spasmodically twitched and stabbed in his extremities is a liberty taken somewhere , but he thinks , we have all yielded to this it belongs to us it has for some hundreds of years been understood that we are not to make the vaults in the park interesting on more ignoble terms and i submit myself to the compromise . and a goodly show he makes , lying in a flush of crimson and gold in the midst of the great drawing room before his favourite picture of my lady , with broad strips of sunlight shining in , down the long perspective , through the long line of windows , and alternating with soft reliefs of shadow . outside , the stately oaks , rooted for ages in the green ground which has never known ploughshare , but was still a chase when kings rode to battle with sword and shield and rode a hunting with bow and arrow , bear witness to his greatness . inside , his forefathers , looking on him from the walls , say , each of us was a passing reality here and left this coloured shadow of himself and melted into remembrance as dreamy as the distant voices of the rooks now lulling you to rest , and hear their testimony to his greatness too . and he is very great this day . and woe to boythorn or other daring wight who shall presumptuously contest an inch with him . my lady is at present represented , near sir leicester , by her portrait . she has flitted away to town , with no intention of remaining there , and will soon flit hither again , to the confusion of the fashionable intelligence . the house in town is not prepared for her reception . it is muffled and dreary . only one mercury in powder gapes disconsolate at the hall window and he mentioned last night to another mercury of his acquaintance , also accustomed to good society , that if that sort of thing was to last  it couldnt , for a man of his spirits couldnt bear it , and a man of his figure couldnt be expected to bear it  would be no resource for him , upon his honour , but to cut his throat . what connexion can there be between the place in lincolnshire , the house in town , the mercury in powder , and the whereabout of jo the outlaw with the broom , who had that distant ray of light upon him when he swept the churchyard step . what connexion can there have been between many people in the innumerable histories of this world who from opposite sides of great gulfs have , nevertheless , been very curiously brought together . jo sweeps his crossing all day long , unconscious of the link , if any link there be . he sums up his mental condition when asked a question by replying that he dont know nothink . he knows that its hard to keep the mud off the crossing in dirty weather , and harder still to live by doing it . nobody taught him even that much he found it out . jo lives  is to say , jo has not yet died  a ruinous place known to the like of him by the name of tom all . it is a black , dilapidated street , avoided by all decent people , where the crazy houses were seized upon , when their decay was far advanced , by some bold vagrants who after establishing their own possession took to letting them out in lodgings . now , these tumbling tenements contain , by night , a swarm of misery . as on the ruined human wretch vermin parasites appear , so these ruined shelters have bred a crowd of foul existence that crawls in and out of gaps in walls and boards and coils itself to sleep , in maggot numbers , where the rain drips in and comes and goes , fetching and carrying fever and sowing more evil in its every footprint than lord coodle , and sir thomas doodle , and the duke of foodle , and all the fine gentlemen in office , down to zoodle , shall set right in five hundred years  born expressly to do it . twice lately there has been a crash and a cloud of dust , like the springing of a mine , in tom all and each time a house has fallen . these accidents have made a paragraph in the newspapers and have filled a bed or two in the nearest hospital . the gaps remain , and there are not unpopular lodgings among the rubbish . as several more houses are nearly ready to go , the next crash in tom all may be expected to be a good one . this desirable property is in chancery , of course . it would be an insult to the discernment of any man with half an eye to tell him so . whether tom is the popular representative of the original plaintiff or defendant in jarndyce and jarndyce , or whether tom lived here when the suit had laid the street waste , all alone , until other settlers came to join him , or whether the traditional title is a comprehensive name for a retreat cut off from honest company and put out of the pale of hope , perhaps nobody knows . certainly jo dont know . for i dont , says jo , i dont know nothink . it must be a strange state to be like jo . to shuffle through the streets , unfamiliar with the shapes , and in utter darkness as to the meaning , of those mysterious symbols , so abundant over the shops , and at the corners of streets , and on the doors , and in the windows . to see people read , and to see people write , and to see the postmen deliver letters , and not to have the least idea of all that language  be , to every scrap of it , stone blind and dumb . it must be very puzzling to see the good company going to the churches on sundays , with their books in their hands , and to think for perhaps jo does think at odd times what does it all mean , and if it means anything to anybody , how comes it that it means nothing to me . to be hustled , and jostled , and moved on and really to feel that it would appear to be perfectly true that i have no business here , or there , or anywhere and yet to be perplexed by the consideration that i am here somehow , too , and everybody overlooked me until i became the creature that i am . it must be a strange state , not merely to be told that i am scarcely human as in the case of my offering myself for a witness , but to feel it of my own knowledge all my life . to see the horses , dogs , and cattle go by me and to know that in ignorance i belong to them and not to the superior beings in my shape , whose delicacy i offend . jos ideas of a criminal trial , or a judge , or a bishop , or a government , or that inestimable jewel to him if he only knew it the constitution , should be strange . his whole material and immaterial life is wonderfully strange his death , the strangest thing of all . jo comes out of tom all , meeting the tardy morning which is always late in getting down there , and munches his dirty bit of bread as he comes along . his way lying through many streets , and the houses not yet being open , he sits down to breakfast on the door step of the society for the propagation of the gospel in foreign parts and gives it a brush when he has finished as an acknowledgment of the accommodation . he admires the size of the edifice and wonders what its all about . he has no idea , poor wretch , of the spiritual destitution of a coral reef in the pacific or what it costs to look up the precious souls among the coco nuts and bread fruit . he goes to his crossing and begins to lay it out for the day . the town awakes the great tee totum is set up for its daily spin and whirl all that unaccountable reading and writing , which has been suspended for a few hours , recommences . jo and the other lower animals get on in the unintelligible mess as they can . it is market day . the blinded oxen , over goaded, , never guided , run into wrong places and are beaten out , and plunge red eyed and foaming at stone walls , and often sorely hurt the innocent , and often sorely hurt themselves . very like jo and his order very , like . a band of music comes and plays . jo listens to it . so does a dog  drovers dog , waiting for his master outside a butchers shop , and evidently thinking about those sheep he has had upon his mind for some hours and is happily rid of . he seems perplexed respecting three or four , cant remember where he left them , looks up and down the street as half expecting to see them astray , suddenly pricks up his ears and remembers all about it . a thoroughly vagabond dog , accustomed to low company and public houses a terrific dog to sheep , ready at a whistle to scamper over their backs and tear out mouthfuls of their wool but an educated , improved , developed dog who has been taught his duties and knows how to discharge them . he and jo listen to the music , probably with much the same amount of animal satisfaction likewise as to awakened association , aspiration , or regret , melancholy or joyful reference to things beyond the senses , they are probably upon a par . but , otherwise , how far above the human listener is the brute . turn that dogs descendants wild , like jo , and in a very few years they will so degenerate that they will lose even their bark  not their bite . the day changes as it wears itself away and becomes dark and drizzly . jo fights it out at his crossing among the mud and wheels , the horses , whips , and umbrellas , and gets but a scanty sum to pay for the unsavoury shelter of tom all . twilight comes on gas begins to start up in the shops the lamplighter , with his ladder , runs along the margin of the pavement . a wretched evening is beginning to close in . in his chambers mr . tulkinghorn sits meditating an application to the nearest magistrate to morrow morning for a warrant . gridley , a disappointed suitor , has been here to day and has been alarming . we are not to be put in bodily fear , and that ill conditioned fellow shall be held to bail again . from the ceiling , foreshortened allegory , in the person of one impossible roman upside down , points with the arm of samson obtrusively toward the window . why should mr . tulkinghorn , for such no reason , look out of window . is the hand not always pointing there . so he does not look out of window . and if he did , what would it be to see a woman going by . there are women enough in the world , mr . tulkinghorn thinks  many they are at the bottom of all that goes wrong in it , though , for the matter of that , they create business for lawyers . what would it be to see a woman going by , even though she were going secretly . they are all secret . mr . tulkinghorn knows that very well . but they are not all like the woman who now leaves him and his house behind , between whose plain dress and her refined manner there is something exceedingly inconsistent . she should be an upper servant by her attire , yet in her air and step , though both are hurried and assumed  far as she can assume in the muddy streets , which she treads with an unaccustomed foot  is a lady . her face is veiled , and still she sufficiently betrays herself to make more than one of those who pass her look round sharply . she never turns her head . lady or servant , she has a purpose in her and can follow it . she never turns her head until she comes to the crossing where jo plies with his broom . he crosses with her and begs . still , she does not turn her head until she has landed on the other side . then she slightly beckons to him and says , come here . jo follows her a pace or two into a quiet court . are you the boy ive read of in the papers . she asked behind her veil . i dont know , says jo , staring moodily at the veil , nothink about no papers . i dont know nothink about nothink at all . were you examined at an inquest . i dont know nothink about no  i was took by the beadle , do you mean . says jo . was the boys name at the inkwhich jo . yes . thats me . says jo . come farther up . you mean about the man . says jo , following . him as wos dead . hush . speak in a whisper . yes . did he look , when he was living , so very ill and poor . oh , jist . says jo . did he look like  you . says the woman with abhorrence . oh , not so bad as me , says jo . im a reglar one i am . you didnt know him , did you . how dare you ask me if i knew him . no offence , my lady , says jo with much humility , for even he has got at the suspicion of her being a lady . i am not a lady . i am a servant . you are a jolly servant . says jo without the least idea of saying anything offensive , merely as a tribute of admiration . listen and be silent . dont talk to me , and stand farther from me . can you show me all those places that were spoken of in the account i read . the place he wrote for , the place he died at , the place where you were taken to , and the place where he was buried . do you know the place where he was buried . jo answers with a nod , having also nodded as each other place was mentioned . go before me and show me all those dreadful places . stop opposite to each , and dont speak to me unless i speak to you . dont look back . do what i want , and i will pay you well . jo attends closely while the words are being spoken tells them off on his broom handle, , finding them rather hard pauses to consider their meaning considers it satisfactory and nods his ragged head . im fly , says jo . but fen larks , you know . stow hooking it . what does the horrible creature mean . exclaims the servant , recoiling from him . stow cutting away , you know . says jo . i dont understand you . go on before . i will give you more money than you ever had in your life . jo screws up his mouth into a whistle , gives his ragged head a rub , takes his broom under his arm , and leads the way , passing deftly with his bare feet over the hard stones and through the mud and mire . cooks court . jo stops . a pause . who lives here . him wot give him his writing and give me half a bull , says jo in a whisper without looking over his shoulder . go on to the next . krooks house . jo stops again . a longer pause . who lives here . he lived here , jo answers as before . after a silence he is asked , in which room . in the back room up there . you can see the winder from this corner . up there . thats where i see him stritched out . this is the public ouse where i was took to . go on to the next . it is a longer walk to the next , but jo , relieved of his first suspicions , sticks to the forms imposed upon him and does not look round . by many devious ways , reeking with offence of many kinds , they come to the little tunnel of a court , and to the gas lamp lighted now , and to the iron gate . he was put there , says jo , holding to the bars and looking in . where . oh , what a scene of horror . there . says jo , pointing . over yinder . among them piles of bones , and close to that there kitchin winder . they put him wery nigh the top . they was obliged to stamp upon it to git it in . i could unkiver it for you with my broom if the gate was open . thats why they locks it , i spose , giving it a shake . its always locked . look at the rat . cries jo , excited . hi . look . there he goes . ho . into the ground . the servant shrinks into a corner , into a corner of that hideous archway , with its deadly stains contaminating her dress and putting out her two hands and passionately telling him to keep away from her , for he is loathsome to her , so remains for some moments . jo stands staring and is still staring when she recovers herself . is this place of abomination consecrated ground . i dont know nothink of consequential ground , says jo , still staring . is it blessed . which . says jo , in the last degree amazed . is it blessed . im blest if i know , says jo , staring more than ever but i shouldnt think it warnt . blest . repeats jo , something troubled in his mind . it ant done it much good if it is . blest . i should think it was tothered myself . but i dont know nothink . the servant takes as little heed of what he says as she seems to take of what she has said herself . she draws off her glove to get some money from her purse . jo silently notices how white and small her hand is and what a jolly servant she must be to wear such sparkling rings . she drops a piece of money in his hand without touching it , and shuddering as their hands approach . now , she adds , show me the spot again . jo thrusts the handle of his broom between the bars of the gate , and with his utmost power of elaboration , points it out . at length , looking aside to see if he has made himself intelligible , he finds that he is alone . his first proceeding is to hold the piece of money to the gas light and to be overpowered at finding that it is yellow  . his next is to give it a one sided bite at the edge as a test of its quality . his next , to put it in his mouth for safety and to sweep the step and passage with great care . his job done , he sets off for tom all , stopping in the light of innumerable gas lamps to produce the piece of gold and give it another one sided bite as a reassurance of its being genuine . the mercury in powder is in no want of society to night, , for my lady goes to a grand dinner and three or four balls . sir leicester is fidgety down at chesney wold , with no better company than the gout he complains to mrs . rouncewell that the rain makes such a monotonous pattering on the terrace that he cant read the paper even by the fireside in his own snug dressing room . sir leicester would have done better to try the other side of the house , my dear , says mrs . rouncewell to rosa . his dressing room is on my ladys side . and in all these years i never heard the step upon the ghosts walk more distinct than it is to night . chapter xvii esthers narrative richard very often came to see us while we remained in london though he soon failed in his letter writing, , and with his quick abilities , his good spirits , his good temper , his gaiety and freshness , was always delightful . but though i liked him more and more the better i knew him , i still felt more and more how much it was to be regretted that he had been educated in no habits of application and concentration . the system which had addressed him in exactly the same manner as it had addressed hundreds of other boys , all varying in character and capacity , had enabled him to dash through his tasks , always with fair credit and often with distinction , but in a fitful , dazzling way that had confirmed his reliance on those very qualities in himself which it had been most desirable to direct and train . they were good qualities , without which no high place can be meritoriously won , but like fire and water , though excellent servants , they were very bad masters . if they had been under richards direction , they would have been his friends but richard being under their direction , they became his enemies . i write down these opinions not because i believe that this or any other thing was so because i thought so , but only because i did think so and i want to be quite candid about all i thought and did . these were my thoughts about richard . i thought i often observed besides how right my guardian was in what he had said , and that the uncertainties and delays of the chancery suit had imparted to his nature something of the careless spirit of a gamester who felt that he was part of a great gaming system . mr . and mrs . bayham badger coming one afternoon when my guardian was not at home , in the course of conversation i naturally inquired after richard . why , mr . carstone , said mrs . badger , is very well and is , i assure you , a great acquisition to our society . captain swosser used to say of me that i was always better than land a head and a breeze a starn to the midshipmens mess when the pursers junk had become as tough as the fore topsel weather earings . it was his naval way of mentioning generally that i was an acquisition to any society . i may render the same tribute , i am sure , to mr . carstone . but i  wont think me premature if i mention it . i said no , as mrs . badgers insinuating tone seemed to require such an answer . nor miss clare . said mrs . bayham badger sweetly . ada said no , too , and looked uneasy . why , you see , my dears , said mrs . badger , excuse me calling you my dears . we entreated mrs . badger not to mention it . because you really are , if i may take the liberty of saying so , pursued mrs . badger , so perfectly charming . you see , my dears , that although i am still young  mr . bayham badger pays me the compliment of saying so  no , mr . badger called out like some one contradicting at a public meeting . not at all . very well , smiled mrs . badger , we will say still young . undoubtedly , said mr . badger . my dears , though still young , i have had many opportunities of observing young men . there were many such on board the dear old crippler , i assure you . after that , when i was with captain swosser in the mediterranean , i embraced every opportunity of knowing and befriending the midshipmen under captain swossers command . you never heard them called the young gentlemen , my dears , and probably would not understand allusions to their pipe claying their weekly accounts , but it is otherwise with me , for blue water has been a second home to me , and i have been quite a sailor . again , with professor dingo . a man of european reputation , murmured mr . badger . when i lost my dear first and became the wife of my dear second , said mrs . badger , speaking of her former husbands as if they were parts of a charade , i still enjoyed opportunities of observing youth . the class attendant on professor dingos lectures was a large one , and it became my pride , as the wife of an eminent scientific man seeking herself in science the utmost consolation it could impart , to throw our house open to the students as a kind of scientific exchange . every tuesday evening there was lemonade and a mixed biscuit for all who chose to partake of those refreshments . and there was science to an unlimited extent . remarkable assemblies those , miss summerson , said mr . badger reverentially . there must have been great intellectual friction going on there under the auspices of such a man . and now , pursued mrs . badger , now that i am the wife of my dear third , mr . badger , i still pursue those habits of observation which were formed during the lifetime of captain swosser and adapted to new and unexpected purposes during the lifetime of professor dingo . i therefore have not come to the consideration of mr . carstone as a neophyte . and yet i am very much of the opinion , my dears , that he has not chosen his profession advisedly . ada looked so very anxious now that i asked mrs . badger on what she founded her supposition . my dear miss summerson , she replied , on mr . carstones character and conduct . he is of such a very easy disposition that probably he would never think it worth while to mention how he really feels , but he feels languid about the profession . he has not that positive interest in it which makes it his vocation . if he has any decided impression in reference to it , i should say it was that it is a tiresome pursuit . now , this is not promising . young men like mr . allan woodcourt who take it from a strong interest in all that it can do will find some reward in it through a great deal of work for a very little money and through years of considerable endurance and disappointment . but i am quite convinced that this would never be the case with mr . carstone . does mr . badger think so too . asked ada timidly . why , said mr . badger , to tell the truth , miss clare , this view of the matter had not occurred to me until mrs . badger mentioned it . but when mrs . badger put it in that light , i naturally gave great consideration to it , knowing that mrs . badgers mind , in addition to its natural advantages , has had the rare advantage of being formed by two such very distinguished public men as captain swosser of the royal navy and professor dingo . the conclusion at which i have arrived is  short , is mrs . badgers conclusion . it was a maxim of captain swossers , said mrs . badger , speaking in his figurative naval manner , that when you make pitch hot , you cannot make it too hot and that if you only have to swab a plank , you should swab it as if davy jones were after you . it appears to me that this maxim is applicable to the medical as well as to the nautical profession . to all professions , observed mr . badger . it was admirably said by captain swosser . beautifully said . people objected to professor dingo when we were staying in the north of devon after our marriage , said mrs . badger , that he disfigured some of the houses and other buildings by chipping off fragments of those edifices with his little geological hammer . but the professor replied that he knew of no building save the temple of science . the principle is the same , i think . precisely the same , said mr . badger . finely expressed . the professor made the same remark , miss summerson , in his last illness , when he insisted on keeping his little hammer under the pillow and chipping at the countenances of the attendants . the ruling passion . although we could have dispensed with the length at which mr . and mrs . badger pursued the conversation , we both felt that it was disinterested in them to express the opinion they had communicated to us and that there was a great probability of its being sound . we agreed to say nothing to mr . jarndyce until we had spoken to richard and as he was coming next evening , we resolved to have a very serious talk with him . so after he had been a little while with ada , i went in and found my darling prepared to consider him thoroughly right in whatever he said . and how do you get on , richard . said i . i always sat down on the other side of him . he made quite a sister of me . oh . well enough . said richard . he cant say better than that , esther , can he . cried my pet triumphantly . i tried to look at my pet in the wisest manner , but of course i couldnt . well enough . i repeated . yes , said richard , well enough . its rather jog trotty and humdrum . but itll do as well as anything else . oh . my dear richard . i remonstrated . whats the matter . said richard . do as well as anything else . i dont think theres any harm in that , dame durden , said ada , looking so confidingly at me across him because if it will do as well as anything else , it will do very well , i hope . oh , yes , i hope so , returned richard , carelessly tossing his hair from his forehead . after all , it may be only a kind of probation till our suit is  forgot though . i am not to mention the suit . forbidden ground . oh , yes , its all right enough . let us talk about something else . ada would have done so willingly , and with a full persuasion that we had brought the question to a most satisfactory state . but i thought it would be useless to stop there , so i began again . no , but richard , said i , and my dear ada . consider how important it is to you both , and what a point of honour it is towards your cousin , that you , richard , should be quite in earnest without any reservation . i think we had better talk about this , really , ada . it will be too late very soon . oh , yes . we must talk about it . said ada . but i think richard is right . what was the use of my trying to look wise when she was so pretty , and so engaging , and so fond of him . mr . and mrs . badger were here yesterday , richard , said i , and they seemed disposed to think that you had no great liking for the profession . did they though . said richard . oh . well , that rather alters the case , because i had no idea that they thought so , and i should not have liked to disappoint or inconvenience them . the fact is , i dont care much about it . but , oh , it dont matter . itll do as well as anything else . you hear him , ada . said i . the fact is , richard proceeded , half thoughtfully and half jocosely , it is not quite in my way . i dont take to it . and i get too much of mrs . bayham badgers first and second . i am sure thats very natural . cried ada , quite delighted . the very thing we both said yesterday , esther . then , pursued richard , its monotonous , and to day is too like yesterday , and to morrow is too like to day . but i am afraid , said i , this is an objection to all kinds of application  life itself , except under some very uncommon circumstances . do you think so . returned richard , still considering . perhaps . ha . why , then , you know , he added , suddenly becoming gay again , we travel outside a circle to what i said just now . itll do as well as anything else . oh , its all right enough . let us talk about something else . but even ada , with her loving face  if it had seemed innocent and trusting when i first saw it in that memorable november fog , how much more did it seem now when i knew her innocent and trusting heart  ada shook her head at this and looked serious . so i thought it a good opportunity to hint to richard that if he were sometimes a little careless of himself , i was very sure he never meant to be careless of ada , and that it was a part of his affectionate consideration for her not to slight the importance of a step that might influence both their lives . this made him almost grave . my dear mother hubbard , he said , thats the very thing . i have thought of that several times and have been quite angry with myself for meaning to be so much in earnest and  exactly being so . i dont know how it is i seem to want something or other to stand by . even you have no idea how fond i am of ada my darling cousin , i love you , so much . but i dont settle down to constancy in other things . its such uphill work , and it takes such a time . said richard with an air of vexation . that may be , i suggested , because you dont like what you have chosen . poor fellow . said ada . i am sure i dont wonder at it . no . it was not of the least use my trying to look wise . i tried again , but how could i do it , or how could it have any effect if i could , while ada rested her clasped hands upon his shoulder and while he looked at her tender blue eyes , and while they looked at him . you see , my precious girl , said richard , passing her golden curls through and through his hand , i was a little hasty perhaps or i misunderstood my own inclinations perhaps . they dont seem to lie in that direction . i couldnt tell till i tried . now the question is whether its worth while to undo all that has been done . it seems like making a great disturbance about nothing particular . my dear richard , said i , how can you say about nothing particular . i dont mean absolutely that , he returned . i mean that it may be nothing particular because i may never want it . both ada and i urged , in reply , not only that it was decidedly worth while to undo what had been done , but that it must be undone . i then asked richard whether he had thought of any more congenial pursuit . there , my dear mrs . shipton , said richard , you touch me home . yes , i have . i have been thinking that the law is the boy for me . the law . repeated ada as if she were afraid of the name . if i went into kenges office , said richard , and if i were placed under articles to kenge , i should have my eye on the  . forbidden ground  should be able to study it , and master it , and to satisfy myself that it was not neglected and was being properly conducted . i should be able to look after adas interests and my own interests and i should peg away at blackstone and all those fellows with the most tremendous ardour . i was not by any means so sure of that , and i saw how his hankering after the vague things yet to come of those long deferred hopes cast a shade on adas face . but i thought it best to encourage him in any project of continuous exertion , and only advised him to be quite sure that his mind was made up now . my dear minerva , said richard , i am as steady as you are . i made a mistake we are all liable to mistakes i wont do so any more , and ill become such a lawyer as is not often seen . that is , you know , said richard , relapsing into doubt , if it really is worth while, , after all , to make such a disturbance about nothing particular . this led to our saying again , with a great deal of gravity , all that we had said already and to our coming to much the same conclusion afterwards . but we so strongly advised richard to be frank and open with mr . jarndyce , without a moments delay , and his disposition was naturally so opposed to concealment that he sought him out at once and made a full avowal . rick , said my guardian , after hearing him attentively , we can retreat with honour , and we will . but we must be careful  our cousins sake , rick , for our cousins sake  we make no more such mistakes . therefore , in the matter of the law , we will have a good trial before we decide . we will look before we leap , and take plenty of time about it . richards energy was of such an impatient and fitful kind that he would have liked nothing better than to have gone to mr . kenges office in that hour and to have entered into articles with him on the spot . submitting , however , with a good grace to the caution that we had shown to be so necessary , he contented himself with sitting down among us in his lightest spirits and talking as if his one unvarying purpose in life from childhood had been that one which now held possession of him . my guardian was very kind and cordial with him , but rather grave , enough so to cause ada , when he had departed and we were going upstairs to bed , to say , cousin john , i hope you dont think the worse of richard . no , my love , said he . because it was very natural that richard should be mistaken in such a difficult case . it is not uncommon . no , my love , said he . dont look unhappy . oh , i am not unhappy , cousin john . said ada , smiling cheerfully , with her hand upon his shoulder , where she had put it in bidding him good night . but i should be a little so if you thought at all the worse of richard . my dear , said mr . jarndyce , i should think the worse of him only if you were ever in the least unhappy through his means . i should be more disposed to quarrel with myself even then , than with poor rick , for i brought you together . but , tut , all this is nothing . he has time before him , and the race to run . i think the worse of him . not i , my loving cousin . and not you , i swear . no , indeed , cousin john , said ada , i am sure i could not  am sure i would not  any ill of richard if the whole world did . i could , and i would , think better of him then than at any other time . so quietly and honestly she said it , with her hands upon his shoulders  hands now  looking up into his face , like the picture of truth . i think , said my guardian , thoughtfully regarding her , i think it must be somewhere written that the virtues of the mothers shall occasionally be visited on the children , as well as the sins of the father . good night , my rosebud . good night , little woman . pleasant slumbers . happy dreams . this was the first time i ever saw him follow ada with his eyes with something of a shadow on their benevolent expression . i well remembered the look with which he had contemplated her and richard when she was singing in the firelight it was but a very little while since he had watched them passing down the room in which the sun was shining , and away into the shade but his glance was changed , and even the silent look of confidence in me which now followed it once more was not quite so hopeful and untroubled as it had originally been . ada praised richard more to me that night than ever she had praised him yet . she went to sleep with a little bracelet he had given her clasped upon her arm . i fancied she was dreaming of him when i kissed her cheek after she had slept an hour and saw how tranquil and happy she looked . for i was so little inclined to sleep myself that night that i sat up working . it would not be worth mentioning for its own sake , but i was wakeful and rather low spirited . i dont know why . at least i dont think i know why . at least , perhaps i do , but i dont think it matters . at any rate , i made up my mind to be so dreadfully industrious that i would leave myself not a moments leisure to be low spirited . for i naturally said , esther . you to be low spirited . you . and it really was time to say so , for i  , really did see myself in the glass , almost crying . as if you had anything to make you unhappy , instead of everything to make you happy , you ungrateful heart . said i . if i could have made myself go to sleep , i would have done it directly , but not being able to do that , i took out of my basket some ornamental work for our house that i was busy with at that time and sat down to it with great determination . it was necessary to count all the stitches in that work , and i resolved to go on with it until i couldnt keep my eyes open , and then to go to bed . i soon found myself very busy . but i had left some silk downstairs in a work table drawer in the temporary growlery , and coming to a stop for want of it , i took my candle and went softly down to get it . to my great surprise , on going in i found my guardian still there , and sitting looking at the ashes . he was lost in thought , his book lay unheeded by his side , his silvered iron grey hair was scattered confusedly upon his forehead as though his hand had been wandering among it while his thoughts were elsewhere , and his face looked worn . almost frightened by coming upon him so unexpectedly , i stood still for a moment and should have retired without speaking had he not , in again passing his hand abstractedly through his hair , seen me and started . esther . i told him what i had come for . at work so late , my dear . i am working late to night, , said i , because i couldnt sleep and wished to tire myself . but , dear guardian , you are late too , and look weary . you have no trouble , i hope , to keep you waking . none , little woman , that you would readily understand , said he . he spoke in a regretful tone so new to me that i inwardly repeated , as if that would help me to his meaning , that i could readily understand . remain a moment , esther , said he , you were in my thoughts . i hope i was not the trouble , guardian . he slightly waved his hand and fell into his usual manner . the change was so remarkable , and he appeared to make it by dint of so much self command, , that i found myself again inwardly repeating , none that i could understand . little woman , said my guardian , i was thinking  is , i have been thinking since i have been sitting here  you ought to know of your own history all i know . it is very little . next to nothing . dear guardian , i replied , when you spoke to me before on that subject  but since then , he gravely interposed , anticipating what i meant to say , i have reflected that your having anything to ask me , and my having anything to tell you , are different considerations , esther . it is perhaps my duty to impart to you the little i know . if you think so , guardian , it is right . i think so , he returned very gently , and kindly , and very distinctly . my dear , i think so now . if any real disadvantage can attach to your position in the mind of any man or woman worth a thought , it is right that you at least of all the world should not magnify it to yourself by having vague impressions of its nature . i sat down and said after a little effort to be as calm as i ought to be , one of my earliest remembrances , guardian , is of these words your mother , esther , is your disgrace , and you were hers . the time will come , and soon enough , when you will understand this better , and will feel it too , as no one save a woman can . i had covered my face with my hands in repeating the words , but i took them away now with a better kind of shame , i hope , and told him that to him i owed the blessing that i had from my childhood to that hour never , felt it . he put up his hand as if to stop me . i well knew that he was never to be thanked , and said no more . nine years , my dear , he said after thinking for a little while , have passed since i received a letter from a lady living in seclusion , written with a stern passion and power that rendered it unlike all other letters i have ever read . it was written to me as it told me in so many words , perhaps because it was the writers idiosyncrasy to put that trust in me , perhaps because it was mine to justify it . it told me of a child , an orphan girl then twelve years old , in some such cruel words as those which live in your remembrance . it told me that the writer had bred her in secrecy from her birth , had blotted out all trace of her existence , and that if the writer were to die before the child became a woman , she would be left entirely friendless , nameless , and unknown . it asked me to consider if i would , in that case , finish what the writer had begun . i listened in silence and looked attentively at him . your early recollection , my dear , will supply the gloomy medium through which all this was seen and expressed by the writer , and the distorted religion which clouded her mind with impressions of the need there was for the child to expiate an offence of which she was quite innocent . i felt concerned for the little creature , in her darkened life , and replied to the letter . i took his hand and kissed it . it laid the injunction on me that i should never propose to see the writer , who had long been estranged from all intercourse with the world , but who would see a confidential agent if i would appoint one . i accredited mr . kenge . the lady said , of her own accord and not of his seeking , that her name was an assumed one . that she was , if there were any ties of blood in such a case , the childs aunt . that more than this she would never and he was well persuaded of the steadfastness of her resolution for any human consideration disclose . my dear , i have told you all . i held his hand for a little while in mine . i saw my ward oftener than she saw me , he added , cheerily making light of it , and i always knew she was beloved , useful , and happy . she repays me twenty thousandfold, , and twenty more to that , every hour in every day . and oftener still , said i , she blesses the guardian who is a father to her . at the word father , i saw his former trouble come into his face . he subdued it as before , and it was gone in an instant but it had been there and it had come so swiftly upon my words that i felt as if they had given him a shock . i again inwardly repeated , wondering , that i could readily understand . none that i could readily understand . no , it was true . i did not understand it . not for many and many a day . take a fatherly good night , my dear , said he , kissing me on the forehead , and so to rest . these are late hours for working and thinking . you do that for all of us , all day long , little housekeeper . i neither worked nor thought any more that night . i opened my grateful heart to heaven in thankfulness for its providence to me and its care of me , and fell asleep . we had a visitor next day . mr . allan woodcourt came . he came to take leave of us he had settled to do so beforehand . he was going to china and to india as a surgeon on board ship . he was to be away a long , time . i believe  least i know  he was not rich . all his widowed mother could spare had been spent in qualifying him for his profession . it was not lucrative to a young practitioner , with very little influence in london and although he was , night and day , at the service of numbers of poor people and did wonders of gentleness and skill for them , he gained very little by it in money . he was seven years older than i . not that i need mention it , for it hardly seems to belong to anything . i think  mean , he told us  he had been in practice three or four years and that if he could have hoped to contend through three or four more , he would not have made the voyage on which he was bound . but he had no fortune or private means , and so he was going away . he had been to see us several times altogether . we thought it a pity he should go away . because he was distinguished in his art among those who knew it best , and some of the greatest men belonging to it had a high opinion of him . when he came to bid us good bye, , he brought his mother with him for the first time . she was a pretty old lady , with bright black eyes , but she seemed proud . she came from wales and had a long time ago , an eminent person for an ancestor , of the name of morgan ap kerrig some place that sounded like gimlet  was the most illustrious person that ever was known and all of whose relations were a sort of royal family . he appeared to have passed his life in always getting up into mountains and fighting somebody and a bard whose name sounded like crumlinwallinwer had sung his praises in a piece which was called , as nearly as i could catch it , mewlinnwillinwodd . mrs . woodcourt , after expatiating to us on the fame of her great kinsman , said that no doubt wherever her son allan went he would remember his pedigree and would on no account form an alliance below it . she told him that there were many handsome english ladies in india who went out on speculation , and that there were some to be picked up with property , but that neither charms nor wealth would suffice for the descendant from such a line without birth , which must ever be the first consideration . she talked so much about birth that for a moment i half fancied , and with pain  what an idle fancy to suppose that she could think or care what mine was . mr . woodcourt seemed a little distressed by her prolixity , but he was too considerate to let her see it and contrived delicately to bring the conversation round to making his acknowledgments to my guardian for his hospitality and for the very happy hours  called them the very happy hours  had passed with us . the recollection of them , he said , would go with him wherever he went and would be always treasured . and so we gave him our hands , one after another  least , they did  i did and so he put his lips to adas hand  to mine and so he went away upon his long , voyage . i was very busy indeed all day and wrote directions home to the servants , and wrote notes for my guardian , and dusted his books and papers , and jingled my housekeeping keys a good deal , one way and another . i was still busy between the lights , singing and working by the window , when who should come in but caddy , whom i had no expectation of seeing . why , caddy , my dear , said i , what beautiful flowers . she had such an exquisite little nosegay in her hand . indeed , i think so , esther , replied caddy . they are the loveliest i ever saw . prince , my dear . said i in a whisper . no , answered caddy , shaking her head and holding them to me to smell . not prince . well , to be sure , caddy . said i . you must have two lovers . what . do they look like that sort of thing . said caddy . do they look like that sort of thing . i repeated , pinching her cheek . caddy only laughed in return , and telling me that she had come for half an hour , at the expiration of which time prince would be waiting for her at the corner , sat chatting with me and ada in the window , every now and then handing me the flowers again or trying how they looked against my hair . at last , when she was going , she took me into my room and put them in my dress . for me . said i , surprised . for you , said caddy with a kiss . they were left behind by somebody . left behind . at poor miss flites , said caddy . somebody who has been very good to her was hurrying away an hour ago to join a ship and left these flowers behind . no , . dont take them out . let the pretty little things lie here , said caddy , adjusting them with a careful hand , because i was present myself , and i shouldnt wonder if somebody left them on purpose . do they look like that sort of thing . said ada , coming laughingly behind me and clasping me merrily round the waist . oh , yes , indeed they do , dame durden . they look very , like that sort of thing . oh , very like it indeed , my dear . chapter xviii lady dedlock it was not so easy as it had appeared at first to arrange for richards making a trial of mr . kenges office . richard himself was the chief impediment . as soon as he had it in his power to leave mr . badger at any moment , he began to doubt whether he wanted to leave him at all . he didnt know , he said , really . it wasnt a bad profession he couldnt assert that he disliked it perhaps he liked it as well as he liked any other  he gave it one more chance . upon that , he shut himself up for a few weeks with some books and some bones and seemed to acquire a considerable fund of information with great rapidity . his fervour , after lasting about a month , began to cool , and when it was quite cooled , began to grow warm again . his vacillations between law and medicine lasted so long that midsummer arrived before he finally separated from mr . badger and entered on an experimental course of messrs . kenge and carboy . for all his waywardness , he took great credit to himself as being determined to be in earnest this time . and he was so good natured throughout , and in such high spirits , and so fond of ada , that it was very difficult indeed to be otherwise than pleased with him . as to mr . jarndyce , who , i may mention , found the wind much given , during this period , to stick in the east as to mr . jarndyce , richard would say to me , he is the finest fellow in the world , esther . i must be particularly careful , if it were only for his satisfaction , to take myself well to task and have a regular wind up of this business now . the idea of his taking himself well to task , with that laughing face and heedless manner and with a fancy that everything could catch and nothing could hold , was ludicrously anomalous . however , he told us between whiles that he was doing it to such an extent that he wondered his hair didnt turn grey . his regular wind up of the business was that he went to mr . kenges about midsummer to try how he liked it . all this time he was , in money affairs , what i have described him in a former illustration  , profuse , wildly careless , but fully persuaded that he was rather calculating and prudent . i happened to say to ada , in his presence , half jestingly , half seriously , about the time of his going to mr . kenges , that he needed to have fortunatus purse , he made so light of money , which he answered in this way , my jewel of a dear cousin , you hear this old woman . why does she say that . because i gave eight pounds odd or whatever it was for a certain neat waistcoat and buttons a few days ago . now , if i had stayed at badgers i should have been obliged to spend twelve pounds at a blow for some heart breaking lecture fees . so i make four pounds  a lump  the transaction . it was a question much discussed between him and my guardian what arrangements should be made for his living in london while he experimented on the law , for we had long since gone back to bleak house , and it was too far off to admit of his coming there oftener than once a week . my guardian told me that if richard were to settle down at mr . kenges he would take some apartments or chambers where we too could occasionally stay for a few days at a time but , little woman , he added , rubbing his head very significantly , he hasnt settled down there yet . the discussions ended in our hiring for him , by the month , a neat little furnished lodging in a quiet old house near queen square . he immediately began to spend all the money he had in buying the oddest little ornaments and luxuries for this lodging and so often as ada and i dissuaded him from making any purchase that he had in contemplation which was particularly unnecessary and expensive , he took credit for what it would have cost and made out that to spend anything less on something else was to save the difference . while these affairs were in abeyance , our visit to mr . boythorns was postponed . at length , richard having taken possession of his lodging , there was nothing to prevent our departure . he could have gone with us at that time of the year very well , but he was in the full novelty of his new position and was making most energetic attempts to unravel the mysteries of the fatal suit . consequently we went without him , and my darling was delighted to praise him for being so busy . we made a pleasant journey down into lincolnshire by the coach and had an entertaining companion in mr . skimpole . his furniture had been all cleared off , it appeared , by the person who took possession of it on his blue eyed daughters birthday , but he seemed quite relieved to think that it was gone . chairs and table , he said , were wearisome objects they were monotonous ideas , they had no variety of expression , they looked you out of countenance , and you looked them out of countenance . how pleasant , then , to be bound to no particular chairs and tables , but to sport like a butterfly among all the furniture on hire , and to flit from rosewood to mahogany , and from mahogany to walnut , and from this shape to that , as the humour took one . the oddity of the thing is , said mr . skimpole with a quickened sense of the ludicrous , that my chairs and tables were not paid for , and yet my landlord walks off with them as composedly as possible . now , that seems droll . there is something grotesque in it . the chair and table merchant never engaged to pay my landlord my rent . why should my landlord quarrel with him . if i have a pimple on my nose which is disagreeable to my landlords peculiar ideas of beauty , my landlord has no business to scratch my chair and table merchants nose , which has no pimple on it . his reasoning seems defective . well , said my guardian good humouredly, , its pretty clear that whoever became security for those chairs and tables will have to pay for them . exactly . returned mr . skimpole . thats the crowning point of unreason in the business . i said to my landlord , my good man , you are not aware that my excellent friend jarndyce will have to pay for those things that you are sweeping off in that indelicate manner . have you no consideration for his property . he hadnt the least . and refused all proposals , said my guardian . refused all proposals , returned mr . skimpole . i made him business proposals . i had him into my room . i said , you are a man of business , i believe . he replied , i am , very well , said i , now let us be business like . here is an inkstand , here are pens and paper , here are wafers . what do you want . i have occupied your house for a considerable period , i believe to our mutual satisfaction until this unpleasant misunderstanding arose let us be at once friendly and business like . what do you want . in reply to this , he made use of the figurative expression  has something eastern about it  he had never seen the colour of my money . my amiable friend , said i , never have any money . i never know anything about money . well , sir , said he , what do you offer if i give you time . my good fellow , said i , have no idea of time but you say you are a man of business , and whatever you can suggest to be done in a business like way with pen , and ink , and paper  wafers  am ready to do . dont pay yourself at another mans expense which is foolish , but be business like . however , he wouldnt be , and there was an end of it . if these were some of the inconveniences of mr . skimpoles childhood , it assuredly possessed its advantages too . on the journey he had a very good appetite for such refreshment as came in our way including a basket of choice hothouse peaches , but never thought of paying for anything . so when the coachman came round for his fee , he pleasantly asked him what he considered a very good fee indeed , now  liberal one  on his replying half a crown for a single passenger , said it was little enough too , all things considered , and left mr . jarndyce to give it him . it was delightful weather . the green corn waved so beautifully , the larks sang so joyfully , the hedges were so full of wild flowers , the trees were so thickly out in leaf , the bean fields, , with a light wind blowing over them , filled the air with such a delicious fragrance . late in the afternoon we came to the market town where we were to alight from the coach  dull little town with a church spire, , and a marketplace , and a market cross, , and one intensely sunny street , and a pond with an old horse cooling his legs in it , and a very few men sleepily lying and standing about in narrow little bits of shade . after the rustling of the leaves and the waving of the corn all along the road , it looked as still , as hot , as motionless a little town as england could produce . at the inn we found mr . boythorn on horseback , waiting with an open carriage to take us to his house , which was a few miles off . he was overjoyed to see us and dismounted with great alacrity . by heaven . said he after giving us a courteous greeting . this a most infamous coach . it is the most flagrant example of an abominable public vehicle that ever encumbered the face of the earth . it is twenty five minutes after its time this afternoon . the coachman ought to be put to death . is he after his time . said mr . skimpole , to whom he happened to address himself . you know my infirmity . twenty five minutes . twenty six minutes . replied mr . boythorn , referring to his watch . with two ladies in the coach , this scoundrel has deliberately delayed his arrival six and twenty minutes . deliberately . it is impossible that it can be accidental . but his father  his uncle  the most profligate coachmen that ever sat upon a box . while he said this in tones of the greatest indignation , he handed us into the little phaeton with the utmost gentleness and was all smiles and pleasure . i am sorry , ladies , he said , standing bare headed at the carriage door when all was ready , that i am obliged to conduct you nearly two miles out of the way . but our direct road lies through sir leicester dedlocks park , and in that fellows property i have sworn never to set foot of mine , or horses foot of mine , pending the present relations between us , while i breathe the breath of life . and here , catching my guardians eye , he broke into one of his tremendous laughs , which seemed to shake even the motionless little market town . are the dedlocks down here , lawrence . said my guardian as we drove along and mr . boythorn trotted on the green turf by the roadside . sir arrogant numskull is here , replied mr . boythorn . ha . sir arrogant is here , and i am glad to say , has been laid by the heels here . my lady , in naming whom he always made a courtly gesture as if particularly to exclude her from any part in the quarrel , is expected , i believe , daily . i am not in the least surprised that she postpones her appearance as long as possible . whatever can have induced that transcendent woman to marry that effigy and figure head of a baronet is one of the most impenetrable mysteries that ever baffled human inquiry . ha . i suppose , said my guardian , laughing , we may set foot in the park while we are here . the prohibition does not extend to us , does it . i can lay no prohibition on my guests , he said , bending his head to ada and me with the smiling politeness which sat so gracefully upon him , except in the matter of their departure . i am only sorry that i cannot have the happiness of being their escort about chesney wold , which is a very fine place . but by the light of this summer day , jarndyce , if you call upon the owner while you stay with me , you are likely to have but a cool reception . he carries himself like an eight day clock at all times , like one of a race of eight day clocks in gorgeous cases that never go and never went  ha . he will have some extra stiffness , i can promise you , for the friends of his friend and neighbour boythorn . i shall not put him to the proof , said my guardian . he is as indifferent to the honour of knowing me , i dare say , as i am to the honour of knowing him . the air of the grounds and perhaps such a view of the house as any other sightseer might get are quite enough for me . well . said mr . boythorn . i am glad of it on the whole . its in better keeping . i am looked upon about here as a second ajax defying the lightning . ha . when i go into our little church on a sunday , a considerable part of the inconsiderable congregation expect to see me drop , scorched and withered , on the pavement under the dedlock displeasure . ha . i have no doubt he is surprised that i dont . for he is , by heaven , the most self satisfied, , and the shallowest , and the most coxcombical and utterly brainless ass . our coming to the ridge of a hill we had been ascending enabled our friend to point out chesney wold itself to us and diverted his attention from its master . it was a picturesque old house in a fine park richly wooded . among the trees and not far from the residence he pointed out the spire of the little church of which he had spoken . oh , the solemn woods over which the light and shadow travelled swiftly , as if heavenly wings were sweeping on benignant errands through the summer air the smooth green slopes , the glittering water , the garden where the flowers were so symmetrically arranged in clusters of the richest colours , how beautiful they looked . the house , with gable and chimney , and tower , and turret , and dark doorway , and broad terrace walk, , twining among the balustrades of which , and lying heaped upon the vases , there was one great flush of roses , seemed scarcely real in its light solidity and in the serene and peaceful hush that rested on all around it . to ada and to me , that above all appeared the pervading influence . on everything , house , garden , terrace , green slopes , water , old oaks , fern , moss , woods again , and far away across the openings in the prospect to the distance lying wide before us with a purple bloom upon it , there seemed to be such undisturbed repose . when we came into the little village and passed a small inn with the sign of the dedlock arms swinging over the road in front , mr . boythorn interchanged greetings with a young gentleman sitting on a bench outside the inn door who had some fishing tackle lying beside him . thats the housekeepers grandson , mr . rouncewell by name , said , he , and he is in love with a pretty girl up at the house . lady dedlock has taken a fancy to the pretty girl and is going to keep her about her own fair person  honour which my young friend himself does not at all appreciate . however , he cant marry just yet , even if his rosebud were willing so he is fain to make the best of it . in the meanwhile , he comes here pretty often for a day or two at a time to  . ha . are he and the pretty girl engaged , mr . boythorn . asked ada . why , my dear miss clare , he returned , i think they may perhaps understand each other but you will see them soon , i dare say , and i must learn from you on such a point  you from me . ada blushed , and mr . boythorn , trotting forward on his comely grey horse , dismounted at his own door and stood ready with extended arm and uncovered head to welcome us when we arrived . he lived in a pretty house , formerly the parsonage house , with a lawn in front , a bright flower garden at the side , and a well stocked orchard and kitchen garden in the rear , enclosed with a venerable wall that had of itself a ripened ruddy look . but , indeed , everything about the place wore an aspect of maturity and abundance . the old lime tree walk was like green cloisters , the very shadows of the cherry trees and apple trees were heavy with fruit , the gooseberry bushes were so laden that their branches arched and rested on the earth , the strawberries and raspberries grew in like profusion , and the peaches basked by the hundred on the wall . tumbled about among the spread nets and the glass frames sparkling and winking in the sun there were such heaps of drooping pods , and marrows , and cucumbers , that every foot of ground appeared a vegetable treasury , while the smell of sweet herbs and all kinds of wholesome growth to say nothing of the neighbouring meadows where the hay was carrying made the whole air a great nosegay . such stillness and composure reigned within the orderly precincts of the old red wall that even the feathers hung in garlands to scare the birds hardly stirred and the wall had such a ripening influence that where , here and there high up , a disused nail and scrap of list still clung to it , was easy to fancy that they had mellowed with the changing seasons and that they had rusted and decayed according to the common fate . the house , though a little disorderly in comparison with the garden , was a real old house with settles in the chimney of the brick floored kitchen and great beams across the ceilings . on one side of it was the terrible piece of ground in dispute , where mr . boythorn maintained a sentry in a smock frock day and night , whose duty was supposed to be , in cases of aggression , immediately to ring a large bell hung up there for the purpose , to unchain a great bull dog established in a kennel as his ally , and generally to deal destruction on the enemy . not content with these precautions , mr . boythorn had himself composed and posted there , on painted boards to which his name was attached in large letters , the following solemn warnings beware of the bull dog . he is most ferocious . lawrence boythorn . the blunderbus is loaded with slugs . lawrence boythorn . man traps and spring guns are set here at all times of the day and night . lawrence boythorn . take notice . that any person or persons audaciously presuming to trespass on this property will be punished with the utmost severity of private chastisement and prosecuted with the utmost rigour of the law . lawrence boythorn . these he showed us from the drawing room window , while his bird was hopping about his head , and he laughed , ha . ha . to that extent as he pointed them out that i really thought he would have hurt himself . but this is taking a good deal of trouble , said mr . skimpole in his light way , when you are not in earnest after all . not in earnest . returned mr . boythorn with unspeakable warmth . not in earnest . if i could have hoped to train him , i would have bought a lion instead of that dog and would have turned him loose upon the first intolerable robber who should dare to make an encroachment on my rights . let sir leicester dedlock consent to come out and decide this question by single combat , and i will meet him with any weapon known to mankind in any age or country . i am that much in earnest . not more . we arrived at his house on a saturday . on the sunday morning we all set forth to walk to the little church in the park . entering the park , almost immediately by the disputed ground , we pursued a pleasant footpath winding among the verdant turf and the beautiful trees until it brought us to the church porch . the congregation was extremely small and quite a rustic one with the exception of a large muster of servants from the house , some of whom were already in their seats , while others were yet dropping in . there were some stately footmen , and there was a perfect picture of an old coachman , who looked as if he were the official representative of all the pomps and vanities that had ever been put into his coach . there was a very pretty show of young women , and above them , the handsome old face and fine responsible portly figure of the housekeeper towered pre eminent . the pretty girl of whom mr . boythorn had told us was close by her . she was so very pretty that i might have known her by her beauty even if i had not seen how blushingly conscious she was of the eyes of the young fisherman , whom i discovered not far off . one face , and not an agreeable one , though it was handsome , seemed maliciously watchful of this pretty girl , and indeed of every one and everything there . it was a frenchwomans . as the bell was yet ringing and the great people were not yet come , i had leisure to glance over the church , which smelt as earthy as a grave , and to think what a shady , ancient , solemn little church it was . the windows , heavily shaded by trees , admitted a subdued light that made the faces around me pale , and darkened the old brasses in the pavement and the time and damp worn monuments , and rendered the sunshine in the little porch , where a monotonous ringer was working at the bell , inestimably bright . but a stir in that direction , a gathering of reverential awe in the rustic faces , and a blandly ferocious assumption on the part of mr . boythorn of being resolutely unconscious of somebodys existence forewarned me that the great people were come and that the service was going to begin . enter not into judgment with thy servant , o lord , for in thy sight  shall i ever forget the rapid beating at my heart , occasioned by the look i met as i stood up . shall i ever forget the manner in which those handsome proud eyes seemed to spring out of their languor and to hold mine . it was only a moment before i cast mine down  again , if i may say so  my book but i knew the beautiful face quite well in that short space of time . and , very strangely , there was something quickened within me , associated with the lonely days at my godmothers yes , away even to the days when i had stood on tiptoe to dress myself at my little glass after dressing my doll . and this , although i had never seen this ladys face before in all my life  was quite sure of it  certain . it was easy to know that the ceremonious , gouty , grey haired gentleman , the only other occupant of the great pew , was sir leicester dedlock , and that the lady was lady dedlock . but why her face should be , in a confused way , like a broken glass to me , in which i saw scraps of old remembrances , and why i should be so fluttered and troubled by having casually met her eyes , i could not think . i felt it to be an unmeaning weakness in me and tried to overcome it by attending to the words i heard . then , very strangely , i seemed to hear them , not in the readers voice , but in the well remembered voice of my godmother . this made me think , did lady dedlocks face accidentally resemble my godmothers . it might be that it did , a little but the expression was so different , and the stern decision which had worn into my godmothers face , like weather into rocks , was so completely wanting in the face before me that it could not be that resemblance which had struck me . neither did i know the loftiness and haughtiness of lady dedlocks face , at all , in any one . and yet i  , little esther summerson , the child who lived a life apart and on whose birthday there was no rejoicing  to arise before my own eyes , evoked out of the past by some power in this fashionable lady , whom i not only entertained no fancy that i had ever seen , but whom i perfectly well knew i had never seen until that hour . it made me tremble so to be thrown into this unaccountable agitation that i was conscious of being distressed even by the observation of the french maid , though i knew she had been looking watchfully here , and there , and everywhere , from the moment of her coming into the church . by degrees , though very slowly , i at last overcame my strange emotion . after a long time , i looked towards lady dedlock again . it was while they were preparing to sing , before the sermon . she took no heed of me , and the beating at my heart was gone . neither did it revive for more than a few moments when she once or twice afterwards glanced at ada or at me through her glass . the service being concluded , sir leicester gave his arm with much taste and gallantry to lady dedlock  he was obliged to walk by the help of a thick stick  escorted her out of church to the pony carriage in which they had come . the servants then dispersed , and so did the congregation , whom sir leicester had contemplated all along as if he were a considerable landed proprietor in heaven . he believes he is . said mr . boythorn . he firmly believes it . so did his father , and his grandfather , and his great grandfather . do you know , pursued mr . skimpole very unexpectedly to mr . boythorn , its agreeable to me to see a man of that sort . is it . said mr . boythorn . say that he wants to patronize me , pursued mr . skimpole . very well . i dont object . i do , said mr . boythorn with great vigour . do you really . returned mr . skimpole in his easy light vein . but thats taking trouble , surely . and why should you take trouble . here am i , content to receive things childishly as they fall out , and i never take trouble . i come down here , for instance , and i find a mighty potentate exacting homage . very well . i say mighty potentate , here is my homage . its easier to give it than to withhold it . here it is . if you have anything of an agreeable nature to show me , i shall be happy to see it if you have anything of an agreeable nature to give me , i shall be happy to accept it . mighty potentate replies in effect , this is a sensible fellow . i find him accord with my digestion and my bilious system . he doesnt impose upon me the necessity of rolling myself up like a hedgehog with my points outward . i expand , i open , i turn my silver lining outward like miltons cloud , and its more agreeable to both of us . thats my view of such things , speaking as a child . but suppose you went down somewhere else to morrow, , said mr . boythorn , where there was the opposite of that fellow  of this fellow . how then . how then . said mr . skimpole with an appearance of the utmost simplicity and candour . just the same then . i should say , my esteemed boythorn  make you the personification of our imaginary friend  esteemed boythorn , you object to the mighty potentate . very good . so do i . i take it that my business in the social system is to be agreeable i take it that everybodys business in the social system is to be agreeable . its a system of harmony , in short . therefore if you object , i object . now , excellent boythorn , let us go to dinner . but excellent boythorn might say , returned our host , swelling and growing very red , ill be  i understand , said mr . skimpole . very likely he would . i will go to dinner . cried mr . boythorn in a violent burst and stopping to strike his stick upon the ground . and he would probably add , is there such a thing as principle , mr . harold skimpole . to which harold skimpole would reply , you know , he returned in his gayest manner and with his most ingenuous smile , upon my life i have not the least idea . i dont know what it is you call by that name , or where it is , or who possesses it . if you possess it and find it comfortable , i am quite delighted and congratulate you heartily . but i know nothing about it , i assure you for i am a mere child , and i lay no claim to it , and i dont want it . so , you see , excellent boythorn and i would go to dinner after all . this was one of many little dialogues between them which i always expected to end , and which i dare say would have ended under other circumstances , in some violent explosion on the part of our host . but he had so high a sense of his hospitable and responsible position as our entertainer , and my guardian laughed so sincerely at and with mr . skimpole , as a child who blew bubbles and broke them all day long , that matters never went beyond this point . mr . skimpole , who always seemed quite unconscious of having been on delicate ground , then betook himself to beginning some sketch in the park which he never finished , or to playing fragments of airs on the piano , or to singing scraps of songs , or to lying down on his back under a tree and looking at the sky  he couldnt help thinking , he said , was what he was meant for it suited him so exactly . enterprise and effort , he would say to us are delightful to me . i believe i am truly cosmopolitan . i have the deepest sympathy with them . i lie in a shady place like this and think of adventurous spirits going to the north pole or penetrating to the heart of the torrid zone with admiration . mercenary creatures ask , what is the use of a mans going to the north pole . what good does it do . i cant say but , for anything i can say , he may go for the purpose  he dont know it  employing my thoughts as i lie here . take an extreme case . take the case of the slaves on american plantations . i dare say they are worked hard , i dare say they dont altogether like it . i dare say theirs is an unpleasant experience on the whole but they people the landscape for me , they give it a poetry for me , and perhaps that is one of the pleasanter objects of their existence . i am very sensible of it , if it be , and i shouldnt wonder if it were . i always wondered on these occasions whether he ever thought of mrs . skimpole and the children , and in what point of view they presented themselves to his cosmopolitan mind . so far as i could understand , they rarely presented themselves at all . the week had gone round to the saturday following that beating of my heart in the church and every day had been so bright and blue that to ramble in the woods , and to see the light striking down among the transparent leaves and sparkling in the beautiful interlacings of the shadows of the trees , while the birds poured out their songs and the air was drowsy with the hum of insects , had been most delightful . we had one favourite spot , deep in moss and last years leaves , where there were some felled trees from which the bark was all stripped off . seated among these , we looked through a green vista supported by thousands of natural columns , the whitened stems of trees , upon a distant prospect made so radiant by its contrast with the shade in which we sat and made so precious by the arched perspective through which we saw it that it was like a glimpse of the better land . upon the saturday we sat here , mr . jarndyce , ada , and i , until we heard thunder muttering in the distance and felt the large raindrops rattle through the leaves . the weather had been all the week extremely sultry , but the storm broke so suddenly  us , at least , in that sheltered spot  before we reached the outskirts of the wood the thunder and lightning were frequent and the rain came plunging through the leaves as if every drop were a great leaden bead . as it was not a time for standing among trees , we ran out of the wood , and up and down the moss grown steps which crossed the plantation fence like two broad staved ladders placed back to back , and made for a keepers lodge which was close at hand . we had often noticed the dark beauty of this lodge standing in a deep twilight of trees , and how the ivy clustered over it , and how there was a steep hollow near , where we had once seen the keepers dog dive down into the fern as if it were water . the lodge was so dark within , now the sky was overcast , that we only clearly saw the man who came to the door when we took shelter there and put two chairs for ada and me . the lattice windows were all thrown open , and we sat just within the doorway watching the storm . it was grand to see how the wind awoke , and bent the trees , and drove the rain before it like a cloud of smoke and to hear the solemn thunder and to see the lightning and while thinking with awe of the tremendous powers by which our little lives are encompassed , to consider how beneficent they are and how upon the smallest flower and leaf there was already a freshness poured from all this seeming rage which seemed to make creation new again . is it not dangerous to sit in so exposed a place . oh , no , esther dear . said ada quietly . ada said it to me , but i had not spoken . the beating of my heart came back again . i had never heard the voice , as i had never seen the face , but it affected me in the same strange way . again , in a moment , there arose before my mind innumerable pictures of myself . lady dedlock had taken shelter in the lodge before our arrival there and had come out of the gloom within . she stood behind my chair with her hand upon it . i saw her with her hand close to my shoulder when i turned my head . i have frightened you . she said . no . it was not fright . why should i be frightened . i believe , said lady dedlock to my guardian , i have the pleasure of speaking to mr . jarndyce . your remembrance does me more honour than i had supposed it would , lady dedlock , he returned . i recognized you in church on sunday . i am sorry that any local disputes of sir leicesters  are not of his seeking , however , i believe  render it a matter of some absurd difficulty to show you any attention here . i am aware of the circumstances , returned my guardian with a smile , and am sufficiently obliged . she had given him her hand in an indifferent way that seemed habitual to her and spoke in a correspondingly indifferent manner , though in a very pleasant voice . she was as graceful as she was beautiful , perfectly self possessed, , and had the air , i thought , of being able to attract and interest any one if she had thought it worth her while . the keeper had brought her a chair on which she sat in the middle of the porch between us . is the young gentleman disposed of whom you wrote to sir leicester about and whose wishes sir leicester was sorry not to have it in his power to advance in any way . she said over her shoulder to my guardian . i hope so , said he . she seemed to respect him and even to wish to conciliate him . there was something very winning in her haughty manner , and it became more familiar  was going to say more easy , but that could hardly be  she spoke to him over her shoulder . i presume this is your other ward , miss clare . he presented ada , in form . you will lose the disinterested part of your don quixote character , said lady dedlock to mr . jarndyce over her shoulder again , if you only redress the wrongs of beauty like this . but present me , and she turned full upon me , to this young lady too . miss summerson really is my ward , said mr . jarndyce . i am responsible to no lord chancellor in her case . has miss summerson lost both her parents . said my lady . yes . she is very fortunate in her guardian . lady dedlock looked at me , and i looked at her and said i was indeed . all at once she turned from me with a hasty air , almost expressive of displeasure or dislike , and spoke to him over her shoulder again . ages have passed since we were in the habit of meeting , mr . jarndyce . a long time . at least i thought it was a long time , until i saw you last sunday , he returned . what . even you are a courtier , or think it necessary to become one to me . she said with some disdain . i have achieved that reputation , i suppose . you have achieved so much , lady dedlock , said my guardian , that you pay some little penalty , i dare say . but none to me . so much . she repeated , slightly laughing . yes . with her air of superiority , and power , and fascination , and i know not what , she seemed to regard ada and me as little more than children . so , as she slightly laughed and afterwards sat looking at the rain , she was as self possessed and as free to occupy herself with her own thoughts as if she had been alone . i think you knew my sister when we were abroad together better than you know me . she said , looking at him again . yes , we happened to meet oftener , he returned . we went our several ways , said lady dedlock , and had little in common even before we agreed to differ . it is to be regretted , i suppose , but it could not be helped . lady dedlock again sat looking at the rain . the storm soon began to pass upon its way . the shower greatly abated , the lightning ceased , the thunder rolled among the distant hills , and the sun began to glisten on the wet leaves and the falling rain . as we sat there , silently , we saw a little pony phaeton coming towards us at a merry pace . the messenger is coming back , my lady , said the keeper , with the carriage . as it drove up , we saw that there were two people inside . there alighted from it , with some cloaks and wrappers , first the frenchwoman whom i had seen in church , and secondly the pretty girl , the frenchwoman with a defiant confidence , the pretty girl confused and hesitating . what now . said lady dedlock . two . i am your maid , my lady , at the present , said the frenchwoman . the message was for the attendant . i was afraid you might mean me , my lady , said the pretty girl . i did mean you , child , replied her mistress calmly . put that shawl on me . she slightly stooped her shoulders to receive it , and the pretty girl lightly dropped it in its place . the frenchwoman stood unnoticed , looking on with her lips very tightly set . i am sorry , said lady dedlock to mr . jarndyce , that we are not likely to renew our former acquaintance . you will allow me to send the carriage back for your two wards . it shall be here directly . but as he would on no account accept this offer , she took a graceful leave of ada  of me  put her hand upon his proffered arm , and got into the carriage , which was a little , low , park carriage with a hood . come in , child , she said to the pretty girl i shall want you . go on . the carriage rolled away , and the frenchwoman , with the wrappers she had brought hanging over her arm , remained standing where she had alighted . i suppose there is nothing pride can so little bear with as pride itself , and that she was punished for her imperious manner . her retaliation was the most singular i could have imagined . she remained perfectly still until the carriage had turned into the drive , and then , without the least discomposure of countenance , slipped off her shoes , left them on the ground , and walked deliberately in the same direction through the wettest of the wet grass . is that young woman mad . said my guardian . oh , no , sir . said the keeper , who , with his wife , was looking after her . hortense is not one of that sort . she has as good a head piece as the best . but shes mortal high and passionate  high and passionate and what with having notice to leave , and having others put above her , she dont take kindly to it . but why should she walk shoeless through all that water . said my guardian . why , indeed , sir , unless it is to cool her down . said the man . or unless she fancies its blood , said the woman . shed as soon walk through that as anything else , i think , when her owns up . we passed not far from the house a few minutes afterwards . peaceful as it had looked when we first saw it , looked even more so now , with a diamond spray glittering all about it , a light wind blowing , the birds no longer hushed but singing strongly , everything refreshed by the late rain , and the little carriage shining at the doorway like a fairy carriage made of silver . still , very steadfastly and quietly walking towards it , a peaceful figure too in the landscape , went mademoiselle hortense , shoeless , through the wet grass . chapter xix moving on it is the long vacation in the regions of chancery lane . the good ships law and equity , those teak built, , copper bottomed, , iron fastened, , brazen faced, , and not by any means fast sailing clippers are laid up in ordinary . the flying dutchman , with a crew of ghostly clients imploring all whom they may encounter to peruse their papers , has drifted , for the time being , heaven knows where . the courts are all shut up the public offices lie in a hot sleep . westminster hall itself is a shady solitude where nightingales might sing , and a tenderer class of suitors than is usually found there , walk . the temple , chancery lane , serjeants inn , and lincolns inn even unto the fields are like tidal harbours at low water , where stranded proceedings , offices at anchor , idle clerks lounging on lop sided stools that will not recover their perpendicular until the current of term sets in , lie high and dry upon the ooze of the long vacation . outer doors of chambers are shut up by the score , messages and parcels are to be left at the porters lodge by the bushel . a crop of grass would grow in the chinks of the stone pavement outside lincolns inn hall , but that the ticket porters, , who have nothing to do beyond sitting in the shade there , with their white aprons over their heads to keep the flies off , grub it up and eat it thoughtfully . there is only one judge in town . even he only comes twice a week to sit in chambers . if the country folks of those assize towns on his circuit could see him now . no full bottomed wig , no red petticoats , no fur , no javelin men, , no white wands . merely a close shaved gentleman in white trousers and a white hat , with sea bronze on the judicial countenance , and a strip of bark peeled by the solar rays from the judicial nose , who calls in at the shell fish shop as he comes along and drinks iced ginger beer . the bar of england is scattered over the face of the earth . how england can get on through four long summer months without its bar  is its acknowledged refuge in adversity and its only legitimate triumph in prosperity  beside the question assuredly that shield and buckler of britannia are not in present wear . the learned gentleman who is always so tremendously indignant at the unprecedented outrage committed on the feelings of his client by the opposite party that he never seems likely to recover it is doing infinitely better than might be expected in switzerland . the learned gentleman who does the withering business and who blights all opponents with his gloomy sarcasm is as merry as a grig at a french watering place . the learned gentleman who weeps by the pint on the smallest provocation has not shed a tear these six weeks . the very learned gentleman who has cooled the natural heat of his gingery complexion in pools and fountains of law until he has become great in knotty arguments for term time, , when he poses the drowsy bench with legal chaff , inexplicable to the uninitiated and to most of the initiated too , is roaming , with a characteristic delight in aridity and dust , about constantinople . other dispersed fragments of the same great palladium are to be found on the canals of venice , at the second cataract of the nile , in the baths of germany , and sprinkled on the sea sand all over the english coast . scarcely one is to be encountered in the deserted region of chancery lane . if such a lonely member of the bar do flit across the waste and come upon a prowling suitor who is unable to leave off haunting the scenes of his anxiety , they frighten one another and retreat into opposite shades . it is the hottest long vacation known for many years . all the young clerks are madly in love , and according to their various degrees , pine for bliss with the beloved object , at margate , ramsgate , or gravesend . all the middle aged clerks think their families too large . all the unowned dogs who stray into the inns of court and pant about staircases and other dry places seeking water give short howls of aggravation . all the blind mens dogs in the streets draw their masters against pumps or trip them over buckets . a shop with a sun blind, , and a watered pavement , and a bowl of gold and silver fish in the window , is a sanctuary . temple bar gets so hot that it is , to the adjacent strand and fleet street , what a heater is in an urn , and keeps them simmering all night . there are offices about the inns of court in which a man might be cool , if any coolness were worth purchasing at such a price in dullness but the little thoroughfares immediately outside those retirements seem to blaze . in mr . krooks court , it is so hot that the people turn their houses inside out and sit in chairs upon the pavement  . krook included , who there pursues his studies , with his cat by his side . the sols arms has discontinued the harmonic meetings for the season , and little swills is engaged at the pastoral gardens down the river , where he comes out in quite an innocent manner and sings comic ditties of a juvenile complexion calculated not to wound the feelings of the most fastidious mind . over all the legal neighbourhood there hangs , like some great veil of rust or gigantic cobweb , the idleness and pensiveness of the long vacation . mr . snagsby , law stationer of cooks court , cursitor street , is sensible of the influence not only in his mind as a sympathetic and contemplative man , but also in his business as a law stationer aforesaid . he has more leisure for musing in staple inn and in the rolls yard during the long vacation than at other seasons , and he says to the two prentices , what a thing it is in such hot weather to think that you live in an island with the sea a rolling and a bowling right round you . guster is busy in the little drawing room on this present afternoon in the long vacation , when mr . and mrs . snagsby have it in contemplation to receive company . the expected guests are rather select than numerous , being mr . and mrs . chadband and no more . from mr . chadbands being much given to describe himself , both verbally and in writing , as a vessel , he is occasionally mistaken by strangers for a gentleman connected with navigation , but he is , as he expresses it , in the ministry . mr . chadband is attached to no particular denomination and is considered by his persecutors to have nothing so very remarkable to say on the greatest of subjects as to render his volunteering , on his own account , at all incumbent on his conscience but he has his followers , and mrs . snagsby is of the number . mrs . snagsby has but recently taken a passage upward by the vessel , chadband and her attention was attracted to that bark a when she was something flushed by the hot weather . my little woman , says mr . snagsby to the sparrows in staple inn , likes to have her religion rather sharp , you see . so guster , much impressed by regarding herself for the time as the handmaid of chadband , whom she knows to be endowed with the gift of holding forth for four hours at a stretch , prepares the little drawing room for tea . all the furniture is shaken and dusted , the portraits of mr . and mrs . snagsby are touched up with a wet cloth , the best tea service is set forth , and there is excellent provision made of dainty new bread , crusty twists , cool fresh butter , thin slices of ham , tongue , and german sausage , and delicate little rows of anchovies nestling in parsley , not to mention new laid eggs , to be brought up warm in a napkin , and hot buttered toast . for chadband is rather a consuming vessel  persecutors say a gorging vessel  can wield such weapons of the flesh as a knife and fork remarkably well . mr . snagsby in his best coat , looking at all the preparations when they are completed and coughing his cough of deference behind his hand , says to mrs . snagsby , at what time did you expect mr . and mrs . chadband , my love . at six , says mrs . snagsby . mr . snagsby observes in a mild and casual way that its gone that . perhaps youd like to begin without them , is mrs . snagsbys reproachful remark . mr . snagsby does look as if he would like it very much , but he says , with his cough of mildness , no , my dear , no . i merely named the time . whats time , says mrs . snagsby , to eternity . very true , my dear , says mr . snagsby . only when a person lays in victuals for tea , a person does it with a view  to time . and when a time is named for having tea , its better to come up to it . to come up to it . mrs . snagsby repeats with severity . up to it . as if mr . chadband was a fighter . not at all , my dear , says mr . snagsby . here , guster , who had been looking out of the bedroom window , comes rustling and scratching down the little staircase like a popular ghost , and falling flushed into the drawing room, , announces that mr . and mrs . chadband have appeared in the court . the bell at the inner door in the passage immediately thereafter tinkling , she is admonished by mrs . snagsby , on pain of instant reconsignment to her patron saint , not to omit the ceremony of announcement . much discomposed in her nerves by this threat , she so fearfully mutilates that point of state as to announce mr . and mrs . cheeseming , least which , imeantersay , whatsername . and retires conscience stricken from the presence . mr . chadband is a large yellow man with a fat smile and a general appearance of having a good deal of train oil in his system . mrs . chadband is a stern , severe looking, , silent woman . mr . chadband moves softly and cumbrously , not unlike a bear who has been taught to walk upright . he is very much embarrassed about the arms , as if they were inconvenient to him and he wanted to grovel , is very much in a perspiration about the head , and never speaks without first putting up his great hand , as delivering a token to his hearers that he is going to edify them . my friends , says mr . chadband , peace be on this house . on the master thereof , on the mistress thereof , on the young maidens , and on the young men . my friends , why do i wish for peace . what is peace . is it war . no . is it strife . no . is it lovely , and gentle , and beautiful , and pleasant , and serene , and joyful . oh , yes . therefore , my friends , i wish for peace , upon you and upon yours . in consequence of mrs . snagsby looking deeply edified , mr . snagsby thinks it expedient on the whole to say amen , which is well received . now , my friends , proceeds mr . chadband , since i am upon this theme  guster presents herself . mrs . snagsby , in a spectral bass voice and without removing her eyes from chadband , says with dreadful distinctness , go away . now , my friends , says chadband , since i am upon this theme , and in my lowly path improving it  guster is heard unaccountably to murmur one thousing seven hundred and eighty two . the spectral voice repeats more solemnly , go away . now , my friends , says mr . chadband , we will inquire in a spirit of love  still guster reiterates one thousing seven hundred and eighty two . mr . chadband , pausing with the resignation of a man accustomed to be persecuted and languidly folding up his chin into his fat smile , says , let us hear the maiden . speak , maiden . one thousing seven hundred and eighty two, , if you please , sir . which he wish to know what the shilling ware for , says guster , breathless . for . returns mrs . chadband . for his fare . guster replied that he insistes on one and eightpence or on summonsizzing the party . mrs . snagsby and mrs . chadband are proceeding to grow shrill in indignation when mr . chadband quiets the tumult by lifting up his hand . my friends , says he , i remember a duty unfulfilled yesterday . it is right that i should be chastened in some penalty . i ought not to murmur . rachael , pay the eightpence . while mrs . snagsby , drawing her breath , looks hard at mr . snagsby , as who should say , you hear this apostle . and while mr . chadband glows with humility and train oil , mrs . chadband pays the money . it is mr . chadbands habit  is the head and front of his pretensions indeed  keep this sort of debtor and creditor account in the smallest items and to post it publicly on the most trivial occasions . my friends , says chadband , eightpence is not much it might justly have been one and fourpence it might justly have been half a crown . o let us be joyful , . o let us be joyful . with which remark , which appears from its sound to be an extract in verse , mr . chadband stalks to the table , and before taking a chair , lifts up his admonitory hand . my friends , says he , what is this which we now behold as being spread before us . refreshment . do we need refreshment then , my friends . we do . and why do we need refreshment , my friends . because we are but mortal , because we are but sinful , because we are but of the earth , because we are not of the air . can we fly , my friends . we cannot . why can we not fly , my friends . mr . snagsby , presuming on the success of his last point , ventures to observe in a cheerful and rather knowing tone , no wings . but is immediately frowned down by mrs . snagsby . i say , my friends , pursues mr . chadband , utterly rejecting and obliterating mr . snagsbys suggestion , why can we not fly . is it because we are calculated to walk . it is . could we walk , my friends , without strength . we could not . what should we do without strength , my friends . our legs would refuse to bear us , our knees would double up , our ankles would turn over , and we should come to the ground . then from whence , my friends , in a human point of view , do we derive the strength that is necessary to our limbs . is it , says chadband , glancing over the table , from bread in various forms , from butter which is churned from the milk which is yielded unto us by the cow , from the eggs which are laid by the fowl , from ham , from tongue , from sausage , and from such like . it is . then let us partake of the good things which are set before us . the persecutors denied that there was any particular gift in mr . chadbands piling verbose flights of stairs , one upon another , after this fashion . but this can only be received as a proof of their determination to persecute , since it must be within everybodys experience that the chadband style of oratory is widely received and much admired . mr . chadband , however , having concluded for the present , sits down at mr . snagsbys table and lays about him prodigiously . the conversion of nutriment of any sort into oil of the quality already mentioned appears to be a process so inseparable from the constitution of this exemplary vessel that in beginning to eat and drink , he may be described as always becoming a kind of considerable oil mills or other large factory for the production of that article on a wholesale scale . on the present evening of the long vacation , in cooks court , cursitor street , he does such a powerful stroke of business that the warehouse appears to be quite full when the works cease . at this period of the entertainment , guster , who has never recovered her first failure , but has neglected no possible or impossible means of bringing the establishment and herself into contempt  which may be briefly enumerated her unexpectedly performing clashing military music on mr . chadbands head with plates , and afterwards crowning that gentleman with muffins  which period of the entertainment , guster whispers mr . snagsby that he is wanted . and being wanted in the  to put too fine a point upon it  the shop , says mr . snagsby , rising , perhaps this good company will excuse me for half a minute . mr . snagsby descends and finds the two prentices intently contemplating a police constable , who holds a ragged boy by the arm . why , bless my heart , says mr . snagsby , whats the matter . this boy , says the constable , although hes repeatedly told to , wont move on  im always a moving on , sar , cries the boy , wiping away his grimy tears with his arm . ive always been a moving and a moving on , ever since i was born . where can i possibly move to , sir , more nor i do move . he wont move on , says the constable calmly , with a slight professional hitch of his neck involving its better settlement in his stiff stock , although he has been repeatedly cautioned , and therefore i am obliged to take him into custody . hes as obstinate a young gonoph as i know . he wont move on . oh , my eye . where can i move to . cries the boy , clutching quite desperately at his hair and beating his bare feet upon the floor of mr . snagsbys passage . dont you come none of that or i shall make blessed short work of you . says the constable , giving him a passionless shake . my instructions are that you are to move on . i have told you so five hundred times . but where . cries the boy . well . really , constable , you know , says mr . snagsby wistfully , and coughing behind his hand his cough of great perplexity and doubt , really , that does seem a question . where , you know . my instructions dont go to that , replies the constable . my instructions are that this boy is to move on . do you hear , jo . it is nothing to you or to any one else that the great lights of the parliamentary sky have failed for some few years in this business to set you the example of moving on . the one grand recipe remains for you  profound philosophical prescription  be all and the end all of your strange existence upon earth . move on . you are by no means to move off , jo , for the great lights cant at all agree about that . move on . mr . snagsby says nothing to this effect , says nothing at all indeed , but coughs his forlornest cough , expressive of no thoroughfare in any direction . by this time mr . and mrs . chadband and mrs . snagsby , hearing the altercation , have appeared upon the stairs . guster having never left the end of the passage , the whole household are assembled . the simple question is , sir , says the constable , whether you know this boy . he says you do . mrs . snagsby , from her elevation , instantly cries out , no he dont . my lit tle woman . says mr . snagsby , looking up the staircase . my love , permit me . pray have a moments patience , my dear . i do know something of this lad , and in what i know of him , i cant say that theres any harm perhaps on the contrary , constable . to whom the law stationer relates his joful and woeful experience , suppressing the half crown fact . well . says the constable , so far , it seems , he had grounds for what he said . when i took him into custody up in holborn , he said you knew him . upon that , a young man who was in the crowd said he was acquainted with you , and you were a respectable housekeeper , and if id call and make the inquiry , hed appear . the young man dont seem inclined to keep his word , but  . here is the young man . enter mr . guppy , who nods to mr . snagsby and touches his hat with the chivalry of clerkship to the ladies on the stairs . i was strolling away from the office just now when i found this row going on , says mr . guppy to the law stationer, , and as your name was mentioned , i thought it was right the thing should be looked into . it was very good natured of you , sir , says mr . snagsby , and i am obliged to you . and mr . snagsby again relates his experience , again suppressing the half crown fact . now , i know where you live , says the constable , then , to jo . you live down in tom all . thats a nice innocent place to live in , aint it . i cant go and live in no nicer place , sir , replies jo . they wouldnt have nothink to say to me if i wos to go to a nice innocent place fur to live . who ud go and let a nice innocent lodging to such a reglar one as me . you are very poor , aint you . says the constable . yes , i am indeed , sir , wery poor in ginral , replies jo . i leave you to judge now . i shook these two half crowns out of him , says the constable , producing them to the company , in only putting my hand upon him . theyre wots left , mr . snagsby , says jo , out of a sov ring as wos give me by a lady in a wale as sed she wos a servant and as come to my crossin one night and asked to be showd this ere ouse and the ouse wot him as you giv the writin to died at , and the berrin ground wot hes berrid in . she ses to me she ses are you the boy at the inkwhich . she ses . i ses yes i ses . she ses to me she ses can you show me all them places . i ses yes i can i ses . and she ses to me do it and i dun it and she giv me a sovring and hooked it . and i ant had much of the sovring neither , says jo , with dirty tears , fur i had to pay five bob , down in tom all , afore theyd square it fur to give me change , and then a young man he thieved another five while i was asleep and another boy he thieved ninepence and the landlord he stood drains round with a lot more on it . you dont expect anybody to believe this , about the lady and the sovereign , do you . says the constable , eyeing him aside with ineffable disdain . i dont know as i do , sir , replies jo . i dont expect nothink at all , sir , much , but thats the true histry on it . you see what he is . the constable observes to the audience . well , mr . snagsby , if i dont lock him up this time , will you engage for his moving on . no . cries mrs . snagsby from the stairs . my little woman . pleads her husband . constable , i have no doubt hell move on . you know you really must do it , says mr . snagsby . im everyways agreeable , sir , says the hapless jo . do it , then , observes the constable . you know what you have got to do . do it . and recollect you wont get off so easy next time . catch hold of your money . now , the sooner youre five mile off , the better for all parties . with this farewell hint and pointing generally to the setting sun as a likely place to move on to , the constable bids his auditors good afternoon and makes the echoes of cooks court perform slow music for him as he walks away on the shady side , carrying his iron bound hat in his hand for a little ventilation . now , jos improbable story concerning the lady and the sovereign has awakened more or less the curiosity of all the company . mr . guppy , who has an inquiring mind in matters of evidence and who has been suffering severely from the lassitude of the long vacation , takes that interest in the case that he enters on a regular cross examination of the witness , which is found so interesting by the ladies that mrs . snagsby politely invites him to step upstairs and drink a cup of tea , if he will excuse the disarranged state of the tea table, , consequent on their previous exertions . mr . guppy yielding his assent to this proposal , jo is requested to follow into the drawing room doorway , where mr . guppy takes him in hand as a witness , patting him into this shape , that shape , and the other shape like a butterman dealing with so much butter , and worrying him according to the best models . nor is the examination unlike many such model displays , both in respect of its eliciting nothing and of its being lengthy , for mr . guppy is sensible of his talent , and mrs . snagsby feels not only that it gratifies her inquisitive disposition , but that it lifts her husbands establishment higher up in the law . during the progress of this keen encounter , the vessel chadband , being merely engaged in the oil trade , gets aground and waits to be floated off . well . says mr . guppy . either this boy sticks to it like cobblers wax or there is something out of the common here that beats anything that ever came into my way at kenge and carboys . mrs . chadband whispers mrs . snagsby , who exclaims , you dont say so . for years . replied mrs . chadband . has known kenge and carboys office for years , mrs . snagsby triumphantly explains to mr . guppy . mrs . chadband  gentlemans wife  mr . chadband . oh , indeed . says mr . guppy . before i married my present husband , says mrs . chadband . was you a party in anything , maam . says mr . guppy , transferring his cross examination . no . not a party in anything , maam . says mr . guppy . mrs . chadband shakes her head . perhaps you were acquainted with somebody who was a party in something , maam . says mr . guppy , who likes nothing better than to model his conversation on forensic principles . not exactly that , either , replies mrs . chadband , humouring the joke with a hard favoured smile . not exactly that , either . repeats mr . guppy . very good . pray , maam , was it a lady of your acquaintance who had some transactions with kenge and carboys office , or was it a gentleman of your acquaintance . take time , maam . we shall come to it presently . man or woman , maam . neither , says mrs . chadband as before . oh . a child . says mr . guppy , throwing on the admiring mrs . snagsby the regular acute professional eye which is thrown on british jurymen . now , maam , perhaps youll have the kindness to tell us what child . you have got it at last , sir , says mrs . chadband with another hard favoured smile . well , sir , it was before your time , most likely , judging from your appearance . i was left in charge of a child named esther summerson , who was put out in life by messrs . kenge and carboy . miss summerson , maam . cries mr . guppy , excited . i call her esther summerson , says mrs . chadband with austerity . there was no miss ing of the girl in my time . it was esther . esther , do this . esther , do that . and she was made to do it . my dear maam , returns mr . guppy , moving across the small apartment , the humble individual who now addresses you received that young lady in london when she first came here from the establishment to which you have alluded . allow me to have the pleasure of taking you by the hand . mr . chadband , at last seeing his opportunity , makes his accustomed signal and rises with a smoking head , which he dabs with his pocket handkerchief . mrs . snagsby whispers hush . my friends , says chadband , we have partaken in moderation which was certainly not the case so far as he was concerned of the comforts which have been provided for us . may this house live upon the fatness of the land may corn and wine be plentiful therein may it grow , may it thrive , may it prosper , may it advance , may it proceed , may it press forward . but , my friends , have we partaken of anything else . we have . my friends , of what else have we partaken . of spiritual profit . yes . from whence have we derived that spiritual profit . my young friend , stand forth . jo , thus apostrophized , gives a slouch backward , and another slouch forward , and another slouch to each side , and confronts the eloquent chadband with evident doubts of his intentions . my young friend , says chadband , you are to us a pearl , you are to us a diamond , you are to us a gem , you are to us a jewel . and why , my young friend . i dont know , replies jo . i dont know nothink . my young friend , says chadband , it is because you know nothing that you are to us a gem and jewel . for what are you , my young friend . are you a beast of the field . no . a bird of the air . no . a fish of the sea or river . no . you are a human boy , my young friend . a human boy . o glorious to be a human boy . and why glorious , my young friend . because you are capable of receiving the lessons of wisdom , because you are capable of profiting by this discourse which i now deliver for your good , because you are not a stick , or a staff , or a stock , or a stone , or a post , or a pillar . o running stream of sparkling joy to be a soaring human boy . and do you cool yourself in that stream now , my young friend . no . why do you not cool yourself in that stream now . because you are in a state of darkness , because you are in a state of obscurity , because you are in a state of sinfulness , because you are in a state of bondage . my young friend , what is bondage . let us , in a spirit of love , inquire . at this threatening stage of the discourse , jo , who seems to have been gradually going out of his mind , smears his right arm over his face and gives a terrible yawn . mrs . snagsby indignantly expresses her belief that he is a limb of the arch fiend . my friends , says mr . chadband with his persecuted chin folding itself into its fat smile again as he looks round , it is right that i should be humbled , it is right that i should be tried , it is right that i should be mortified , it is right that i should be corrected . i stumbled , on sabbath last , when i thought with pride of my three hours improving . the account is now favourably balanced my creditor has accepted a composition . o let us be joyful , . o let us be joyful . great sensation on the part of mrs . snagsby . my friends , says chadband , looking round him in conclusion , i will not proceed with my young friend now . will you come to morrow, , my young friend , and inquire of this good lady where i am to be found to deliver a discourse unto you , and will you come like the thirsty swallow upon the next day , and upon the day after that , and upon the day after that , and upon many pleasant days , to hear discourses . jo , whose immediate object seems to be to get away on any terms , gives a shuffling nod . mr . guppy then throws him a penny , and mrs . snagsby calls to guster to see him safely out of the house . but before he goes downstairs , mr . snagsby loads him with some broken meats from the table , which he carries away , hugging in his arms . so , mr . chadband  whom the persecutors say that it is no wonder he should go on for any length of time uttering such abominable nonsense , but that the wonder rather is that he should ever leave off , having once the audacity to begin  into private life until he invests a little capital of supper in the oil trade . jo moves on , through the long vacation , down to blackfriars bridge , where he finds a baking stony corner wherein to settle to his repast . and there he sits , munching and gnawing , and looking up at the great cross on the summit of st . pauls cathedral , glittering above a red and cloud of smoke . from the boys face one might suppose that sacred emblem to be , in his eyes , the crowning confusion of the great , confused city  golden , so high up , so far out of his reach . there he sits , the sun going down , the river running fast , the crowd flowing by him in two streams  moving on to some purpose and to one end  he is stirred up and told to move on too . chapter xx a new lodger the long vacation saunters on towards term time like an idle river very leisurely strolling down a flat country to the sea . mr . guppy saunters along with it congenially . he has blunted the blade of his penknife and broken the point off by sticking that instrument into his desk in every direction . not that he bears the desk any ill will , but he must do something , and it must be something of an unexciting nature , which will lay neither his physical nor his intellectual energies under too heavy contribution . he finds that nothing agrees with him so well as to make little gyrations on one leg of his stool , and stab his desk , and gape . kenge and carboy are out of town , and the articled clerk has taken out a shooting license and gone down to his fathers , and mr . guppys two fellow stipendiaries are away on leave . mr . guppy and mr . richard carstone divide the dignity of the office . but mr . carstone is for the time being established in kenges room , whereat mr . guppy chafes . so exceedingly that he with biting sarcasm informs his mother , in the confidential moments when he sups with her off a lobster and lettuce in the old street road , that he is afraid the office is hardly good enough for swells , and that if he had known there was a swell coming , he would have got it painted . mr . guppy suspects everybody who enters on the occupation of a stool in kenge and carboys office of entertaining , as a matter of course , sinister designs upon him . he is clear that every such person wants to depose him . if he be ever asked how , why , when , or wherefore , he shuts up one eye and shakes his head . on the strength of these profound views , he in the most ingenious manner takes infinite pains to counterplot when there is no plot , and plays the deepest games of chess without any adversary . it is a source of much gratification to mr . guppy , therefore , to find the new comer constantly poring over the papers in jarndyce and jarndyce , for he well knows that nothing but confusion and failure can come of that . his satisfaction communicates itself to a third saunterer through the long vacation in kenge and carboys office , to wit , young smallweed . whether young smallweed metaphorically called small and eke chick weed , as it were jocularly to express a fledgling was ever a boy is much doubted in lincolns inn . he is now something under fifteen and an old limb of the law . he is facetiously understood to entertain a passion for a lady at a cigar shop in the neighbourhood of chancery lane and for her sake to have broken off a contract with another lady , to whom he had been engaged some years . he is a town made article , of small stature and weazen features , but may be perceived from a considerable distance by means of his very tall hat . to become a guppy is the object of his ambition . he dresses at that gentleman talks at him , walks at him , founds himself entirely on him . he is honoured with mr . guppys particular confidence and occasionally advises him , from the deep wells of his experience , on difficult points in private life . mr . guppy has been lolling out of window all the morning after trying all the stools in succession and finding none of them easy , and after several times putting his head into the iron safe with a notion of cooling it . mr . smallweed has been twice dispatched for effervescent drinks , and has twice mixed them in the two official tumblers and stirred them up with the ruler . mr . guppy propounds for mr . smallweeds consideration the paradox that the more you drink the thirstier you are and reclines his head upon the window sill in a state of hopeless languor . while thus looking out into the shade of old square , lincolns inn , surveying the intolerable bricks and mortar , mr . guppy becomes conscious of a manly whisker emerging from the cloistered walk below and turning itself up in the direction of his face . at the same time , a low whistle is wafted through the inn and a suppressed voice cries , hip . gup py . why , you dont mean it . says mr . guppy , aroused . small . heres jobling . smalls head looks out of window too and nods to jobling . where have you sprung up from . inquires mr . guppy . from the market gardens down by deptford . i cant stand it any longer . i must enlist . i say . i wish youd lend me half a crown . upon my soul , im hungry . jobling looks hungry and also has the appearance of having run to seed in the market gardens down by deptford . i say . just throw out half a crown if you have got one to spare . i want to get some dinner . will you come and dine with me . says mr . guppy , throwing out the coin , which mr . jobling catches neatly . how long should i have to hold out . says jobling . not half an hour . i am only waiting here till the enemy goes , returns mr . guppy , butting inward with his head . what enemy . a new one . going to be articled . will you wait . can you give a fellow anything to read in the meantime . says mr . jobling . smallweed suggests the law list . but mr . jobling declares with much earnestness that he cant stand it . you shall have the paper , says mr . guppy . he shall bring it down . but you had better not be seen about here . sit on our staircase and read . its a quiet place . jobling nods intelligence and acquiescence . the sagacious smallweed supplies him with the newspaper and occasionally drops his eye upon him from the landing as a precaution against his becoming disgusted with waiting and making an untimely departure . at last the enemy retreats , and then smallweed fetches mr . jobling up . well , and how are you . says mr . guppy , shaking hands with him . so , . how are you . mr . guppy replying that he is not much to boast of , mr . jobling ventures on the question , how is she . this mr . guppy resents as a liberty , retorting , jobling , there are chords in the human mind  jobling begs pardon . any subject but that . says mr . guppy with a gloomy enjoyment of his injury . for there are chords , jobling  mr . jobling begs pardon again . during this short colloquy , the active smallweed , who is of the dinner party , has written in legal characters on a slip of paper , return immediately . this notification to all whom it may concern , he inserts in the letter box, , and then putting on the tall hat at the angle of inclination at which mr . guppy wears his , informs his patron that they may now make themselves scarce . accordingly they betake themselves to a neighbouring dining house, , of the class known among its frequenters by the denomination slap bang, , where the waitress , a bouncing young female of forty , is supposed to have made some impression on the susceptible smallweed , of whom it may be remarked that he is a weird changeling to whom years are nothing . he stands precociously possessed of centuries of owlish wisdom . if he ever lay in a cradle , it seems as if he must have lain there in a tail coat . he has an old , eye , has smallweed and he drinks and smokes in a monkeyish way and his neck is stiff in his collar and he is never to be taken in and he knows all about it , whatever it is . in short , in his bringing up he has been so nursed by law and equity that he has become a kind of fossil imp , to account for whose terrestrial existence it is reported at the public offices that his father was john doe and his mother the only female member of the roe family , also that his first long clothes were made from a blue bag . into the dining house, , unaffected by the seductive show in the window of artificially whitened cauliflowers and poultry , verdant baskets of peas , coolly blooming cucumbers , and joints ready for the spit , mr . smallweed leads the way . they know him there and defer to him . he has his favourite box , he bespeaks all the papers , he is down upon bald patriarchs , who keep them more than ten minutes afterwards . it is of no use trying him with anything less than a full sized bread or proposing to him any joint in cut unless it is in the very best cut . in the matter of gravy he is adamant . conscious of his elfin power and submitting to his dread experience , mr . guppy consults him in the choice of that days banquet , turning an appealing look towards him as the waitress repeats the catalogue of viands and saying what do you take , chick . chick , out of the profundity of his artfulness , preferring veal and ham and french beans  dont you forget the stuffing , polly with an unearthly cock of his venerable eye , mr . guppy and mr . jobling give the like order . three pint pots of half and are superadded . quickly the waitress returns bearing what is apparently a model of the tower of babel but what is really a pile of plates and flat tin dish covers . mr . smallweed , approving of what is set before him , conveys intelligent benignity into his ancient eye and winks upon her . then , amid a constant coming in , and going out , and running about , and a clatter of crockery , and a rumbling up and down of the machine which brings the nice cuts from the kitchen , and a shrill crying for more nice cuts down the speaking pipe, , and a shrill reckoning of the cost of nice cuts that have been disposed of , and a general flush and steam of hot joints , cut and uncut , and a considerably heated atmosphere in which the soiled knives and tablecloths seem to break out spontaneously into eruptions of grease and blotches of beer , the legal triumvirate appease their appetites . mr . jobling is buttoned up closer than mere adornment might require . his hat presents at the rims a peculiar appearance of a glistening nature , as if it had been a favourite snail promenade . the same phenomenon is visible on some parts of his coat , and particularly at the seams . he has the faded appearance of a gentleman in embarrassed circumstances even his light whiskers droop with something of a shabby air . his appetite is so vigorous that it suggests spare living for some little time back . he makes such a speedy end of his plate of veal and ham , bringing it to a close while his companions are yet midway in theirs , that mr . guppy proposes another . thank you , guppy , says mr . jobling , i really dont know but what i will take another . another being brought , he falls to with great goodwill . mr . guppy takes silent notice of him at intervals until he is half way through this second plate and stops to take an enjoying pull at his pint pot of half and and stretches out his legs and rubs his hands . beholding him in which glow of contentment , mr . guppy says , you are a man again , tony . well , not quite yet , says mr . jobling . say , just born . will you take any other vegetables . grass . peas . summer cabbage . thank you , guppy , says mr . jobling . i really dont know but what i will take summer cabbage . order given with the sarcastic addition of without slugs , polly . and cabbage produced . i am growing up , guppy , says mr . jobling , plying his knife and fork with a relishing steadiness . glad to hear it . in fact , i have just turned into my teens , says mr . jobling . he says no more until he has performed his task , which he achieves as messrs . guppy and smallweed finish theirs , thus getting over the ground in excellent style and beating those two gentlemen easily by a veal and ham and a cabbage . now , small , says mr . guppy , what would you recommend about pastry . marrow puddings , says mr . smallweed instantly . aye , . cries mr . jobling with an arch look . youre there , are you . thank you , mr . guppy , i dont know but what i will take a marrow pudding . three marrow puddings being produced , mr . jobling adds in a pleasant humour that he is coming of age fast . to these succeed , by command of mr . smallweed , three cheshires , and to those three small rums . this apex of the entertainment happily reached , mr . jobling puts up his legs on the carpeted seat having his own side of the box to himself , leans against the wall , and says , i am grown up now , guppy . i have arrived at maturity . what do you think , now , says mr . guppy , about  dont mind smallweed . not the least in the world . i have the pleasure of drinking his good health . sir , to you . says mr . smallweed . i was saying , what do you think now , pursues mr . guppy , of enlisting . why , what i may think after dinner , returns mr . jobling , is one thing , my dear guppy , and what i may think before dinner is another thing . still , even after dinner , i ask myself the question , what am i to do . how am i to live . ill fo manger , you know , says mr . jobling , pronouncing that word as if he meant a necessary fixture in an english stable . ill fo manger . thats the french saying , and mangering is as necessary to me as it is to a frenchman . or more so . mr . smallweed is decidedly of opinion much more so . if any man had told me , pursues jobling , even so lately as when you and i had the frisk down in lincolnshire , guppy , and drove over to see that house at castle wold  mr . smallweed corrects him  wold . chesney wold . if any man had told me then that i should be as hard up at the present time as i literally find myself , i should have  , i should have pitched into him , says mr . jobling , taking a little rum and with an air of desperate resignation i should have let fly at his head . still , tony , you were on the wrong side of the post then , remonstrates mr . guppy . you were talking about nothing else in the gig . guppy , says mr . jobling , i will not deny it . i was on the wrong side of the post . but i trusted to things coming round . that very popular trust in flat things coming round . not in their being beaten round , or worked round , but in their coming round . as though a lunatic should trust in the worlds coming triangular . i had confident expectations that things would come round and be all square , says mr . jobling with some vagueness of expression and perhaps of meaning too . but i was disappointed . they never did . and when it came to creditors making rows at the office and to people that the office dealt with making complaints about dirty trifles of borrowed money , why there was an end of that connexion . and of any new professional connexion too , for if i was to give a reference to morrow, , it would be mentioned and would sew me up . then whats a fellow to do . i have been keeping out of the way and living cheap down about the market gardens, , but whats the use of living cheap when you have got no money . you might as well live dear . better , mr . smallweed thinks . certainly . its the fashionable way and fashion and whiskers have been my weaknesses , and i dont care who knows it , says mr . jobling . they are great weaknesses  , sir , they are great . well , proceeds mr . jobling after a defiant visit to his rum and , what can a fellow do , i ask you , but enlist . mr . guppy comes more fully into the conversation to state what , in his opinion , a fellow can do . his manner is the gravely impressive manner of a man who has not committed himself in life otherwise than as he has become the victim of a tender sorrow of the heart . jobling , says mr . guppy , myself and our mutual friend smallweed  mr . smallweed modestly observes , gentlemen both . and drinks . had a little conversation on this matter more than once since you  say , got the sack . cries mr . jobling bitterly . say it , guppy . you mean it . no o . left the inn , mr . smallweed delicately suggests . since you left the inn , jobling , says mr . guppy and i have mentioned to our mutual friend smallweed a plan i have lately thought of proposing . you know snagsby the stationer . i know there is such a stationer , returns mr . jobling . he was not ours , and i am not acquainted with him . he is ours , jobling , and i am acquainted with him , mr . guppy retorts . well , sir . i have lately become better acquainted with him through some accidental circumstances that have made me a visitor of his in private life . those circumstances it is not necessary to offer in argument . they may  they may not  some reference to a subject which may  not  cast its shadow on my existence . as it is mr . guppys perplexing way with boastful misery to tempt his particular friends into this subject , and the moment they touch it , to turn on them with that trenchant severity about the chords in the human mind , both mr . jobling and mr . smallweed decline the pitfall by remaining silent . such things may be , repeats mr . guppy , or they may not be . they are no part of the case . it is enough to mention that both mr . and mrs . snagsby are very willing to oblige me and that snagsby has , in busy times , a good deal of copying work to give out . he has all tulkinghorns , and an excellent business besides . i believe if our mutual friend smallweed were put into the box , he could prove this . mr . smallweed nods and appears greedy to be sworn . now , gentlemen of the jury , says mr . guppy , mean , now , jobling  may say this is a poor prospect of a living . granted . but its better than nothing , and better than enlistment . you want time . there must be time for these late affairs to blow over . you might live through it on much worse terms than by writing for snagsby . mr . jobling is about to interrupt when the sagacious smallweed checks him with a dry cough and the words , hem . shakspeare . there are two branches to this subject , jobling , says mr . guppy . that is the first . i come to the second . you know krook , the chancellor , across the lane . come , jobling , says mr . guppy in his encouraging cross examination , i think you know krook , the chancellor , across the lane . i know him by sight , says mr . jobling . you know him by sight . very well . and you know little flite . everybody knows her , says mr . jobling . everybody knows her . very well . now it has been one of my duties of late to pay flite a certain weekly allowance , deducting from it the amount of her weekly rent , which i have paid in consequence of instructions i have received to krook himself , regularly in her presence . this has brought me into communication with krook and into a knowledge of his house and his habits . i know he has a room to let . you may live there at a very low charge under any name you like , as quietly as if you were a hundred miles off . hell ask no questions and would accept you as a tenant at a word from me  the clock strikes , if you chose . and i tell you another thing , jobling , says mr . guppy , who has suddenly lowered his voice and become familiar again , hes an extraordinary old chap  rummaging among a litter of papers and grubbing away at teaching himself to read and write , without getting on a bit , as it seems to me . he is a most extraordinary old chap , sir . i dont know but what it might be worth a fellows while to look him up a bit . you dont mean  mr . jobling begins . i mean , returns mr . guppy , shrugging his shoulders with becoming modesty , that i cant make him out . i appeal to our mutual friend smallweed whether he has or has not heard me remark that i cant make him out . mr . smallweed bears the concise testimony , a few . i have seen something of the profession and something of life , tony , says mr . guppy , and its seldom i cant make a man out , more or less . but such an old card as this , so deep , so sly , and secret i never came across . now , he must be precious old , you know , and he has not a soul about him , and he is reported to be immensely rich and whether he is a smuggler , or a receiver , or an unlicensed pawnbroker , or a money lender of which i have thought likely at different times  might pay you to knock up a sort of knowledge of him . i dont see why you shouldnt go in for it , when everything else suits . mr . jobling , mr . guppy , and mr . smallweed all lean their elbows on the table and their chins upon their hands , and look at the ceiling . after a time , they all drink , slowly lean back , put their hands in their pockets , and look at one another . if i had the energy i once possessed , tony . says mr . guppy with a sigh . but there are chords in the human mind  expressing the remainder of the desolate sentiment in rum and , mr . guppy concludes by resigning the adventure to tony jobling and informing him that during the vacation and while things are slack , his purse , as far as three or four or even five pound goes , will be at his disposal . for never shall it be said , mr . guppy adds with emphasis , that william guppy turned his back upon his friend . the latter part of the proposal is so directly to the purpose that mr . jobling says with emotion , guppy , my trump , your fist . mr . guppy presents it , saying , jobling , my boy , there it is . mr . jobling returns , guppy , we have been pals now for some years . mr . guppy replies , jobling , we have . they then shake hands , and mr . jobling adds in a feeling manner , thank you , guppy , i dont know but what i will take another glass for old acquaintance sake . krooks last lodger died there , observes mr . guppy in an incidental way . did he though . says mr . jobling . there was a verdict . accidental death . you dont mind that . no , says mr . jobling , i dont mind it but he might as well have died somewhere else . its devilish odd that he need go and die at my place . mr . jobling quite resents this liberty , several times returning to it with such remarks as , there are places enough to die in , i should think . or , he wouldnt have liked my dying at his place , i dare say . however , the compact being virtually made , mr . guppy proposes to dispatch the trusty smallweed to ascertain if mr . krook is at home , as in that case they may complete the negotiation without delay . mr . jobling approving , smallweed puts himself under the tall hat and conveys it out of the dining rooms in the guppy manner . he soon returns with the intelligence that mr . krook is at home and that he has seen him through the shop door, , sitting in the back premises , sleeping like one oclock . then ill pay , says mr . guppy , and well go and see him . small , what will it be . mr . smallweed , compelling the attendance of the waitress with one hitch of his eyelash , instantly replies as follows four veals and hams is three , and four potatoes is three and four , and one summer cabbage is three and six , and three marrows is four and six , and six breads is five , and three cheshires is five and three , and four half pints of half and is six and three , and four small rums is eight and three , and three pollys is eight and six . eight and six in half a sovereign , polly , and eighteenpence out . not at all excited by these stupendous calculations , smallweed dismisses his friends with a cool nod and remains behind to take a little admiring notice of polly , as opportunity may serve , and to read the daily papers , which are so very large in proportion to himself , shorn of his hat , that when he holds up the times to run his eye over the columns , he seems to have retired for the night and to have disappeared under the bedclothes . mr . guppy and mr . jobling repair to the rag and bottle shop , where they find krook still sleeping like one oclock , that is to say , breathing stertorously with his chin upon his breast and quite insensible to any external sounds or even to gentle shaking . on the table beside him , among the usual lumber , stand an empty gin bottle and a glass . the unwholesome air is so stained with this liquor that even the green eyes of the cat upon her shelf , as they open and shut and glimmer on the visitors , look drunk . hold up here . says mr . guppy , giving the relaxed figure of the old man another shake . mr . krook . halloa , sir . but it would seem as easy to wake a bundle of old clothes with a spirituous heat smouldering in it . did you ever see such a stupor as he falls into , between drink and sleep . says mr . guppy . if this is his regular sleep , returns jobling , rather alarmed , itll last a long time one of these days , i am thinking . its always more like a fit than a nap , says mr . guppy , shaking him again . halloa , your lordship . why , he might be robbed fifty times over . open your eyes . after much ado , he opens them , but without appearing to see his visitors or any other objects . though he crosses one leg on another , and folds his hands , and several times closes and opens his parched lips , he seems to all intents and purposes as insensible as before . he is alive , at any rate , says mr . guppy . how are you , my lord chancellor . i have brought a friend of mine , sir , on a little matter of business . the old man still sits , often smacking his dry lips without the least consciousness . after some minutes he makes an attempt to rise . they help him up , and he staggers against the wall and stares at them . how do you do , mr . krook . says mr . guppy in some discomfiture . how do you do , sir . you are looking charming , mr . krook . i hope you are pretty well . the old man , in aiming a purposeless blow at mr . guppy , or at nothing , feebly swings himself round and comes with his face against the wall . so he remains for a minute or two , heaped up against it , and then staggers down the shop to the front door . the air , the movement in the court , the lapse of time , or the combination of these things recovers him . he comes back pretty steadily , adjusting his fur cap on his head and looking keenly at them . your servant , gentlemen ive been dozing . hi . i am hard to wake , odd times . rather so , indeed , sir , responds mr . guppy . what . youve been a trying to do it , have you . says the suspicious krook . only a little , mr . guppy explains . the old mans eye resting on the empty bottle , he takes it up , examines it , and slowly tilts it upside down . i say . he cries like the hobgoblin in the story . somebodys been making free here . i assure you we found it so , says mr . guppy . would you allow me to get it filled for you . yes , certainly i would . cries krook in high glee . certainly i would . dont mention it . get it filled next door  arms  lord chancellors fourteenpenny . bless you , they know me . he so presses the empty bottle upon mr . guppy that gentleman , with a nod to his friend , accepts the trust and hurries out and hurries in again with the bottle filled . the old man receives it in his arms like a beloved grandchild and pats it tenderly . but , i say , he whispers , with his eyes screwed up , after tasting it , this aint the lord chancellors fourteenpenny . this is eighteenpenny . i thought you might like that better , says mr . guppy . youre a nobleman , sir , returns krook with another taste , and his hot breath seems to come towards them like a flame . youre a baron of the land . taking advantage of this auspicious moment , mr . guppy presents his friend under the impromptu name of mr . weevle and states the object of their visit . krook , with his bottle under his arm he never gets beyond a certain point of either drunkenness or sobriety , takes time to survey his proposed lodger and seems to approve of him . youd like to see the room , young man . he says . ah . its a good room . been whitewashed . been cleaned down with soft soap and soda . hi . its worth twice the rent , letting alone my company when you want it and such a cat to keep the mice away . commending the room after this manner , the old man takes them upstairs , where indeed they do find it cleaner than it used to be and also containing some old articles of furniture which he has dug up from his inexhaustible stores . the terms are easily concluded  the lord chancellor cannot be hard on mr . guppy , associated as he is with kenge and carboy , jarndyce and jarndyce , and other famous claims on his professional consideration  it is agreed that mr . weevle shall take possession on the morrow . mr . weevle and mr . guppy then repair to cooks court , cursitor street , where the personal introduction of the former to mr . snagsby is effected and more important the vote and interest of mrs . snagsby are secured . they then report progress to the eminent smallweed , waiting at the office in his tall hat for that purpose , and separate , mr . guppy explaining that he would terminate his little entertainment by standing treat at the play but that there are chords in the human mind which would render it a hollow mockery . on the morrow , in the dusk of evening , mr . weevle modestly appears at krooks , by no means incommoded with luggage , and establishes himself in his new lodging , where the two eyes in the shutters stare at him in his sleep , as if they were full of wonder . on the following day mr . weevle , who is a handy good for kind of young fellow , borrows a needle and thread of miss flite and a hammer of his landlord and goes to work devising apologies for window curtains, , and knocking up apologies for shelves , and hanging up his two teacups , milkpot , and crockery sundries on a pennyworth of little hooks , like a shipwrecked sailor making the best of it . but what mr . weevle prizes most of all his few possessions next after his light whiskers , for which he has an attachment that only whiskers can awaken in the breast of man is a choice collection of copper plate impressions from that truly national work the divinities of albion , or galaxy gallery of british beauty , representing ladies of title and fashion in every variety of smirk that art , combined with capital , is capable of producing . with these magnificent portraits , unworthily confined in a band box during his seclusion among the market gardens, , he decorates his apartment and as the galaxy gallery of british beauty wears every variety of fancy dress , plays every variety of musical instrument , fondles every variety of dog , ogles every variety of prospect , and is backed up by every variety of flower pot and balustrade , the result is very imposing . but fashion is mr . weevles , as it was tony joblings , weakness . to borrow yesterdays paper from the sols arms of an evening and read about the brilliant and distinguished meteors that are shooting across the fashionable sky in every direction is unspeakable consolation to him . to know what member of what brilliant and distinguished circle accomplished the brilliant and distinguished feat of joining it yesterday or contemplates the no less brilliant and distinguished feat of leaving it to morrow gives him a thrill of joy . to be informed what the galaxy gallery of british beauty is about , and means to be about , and what galaxy marriages are on the tapis , and what galaxy rumours are in circulation , is to become acquainted with the most glorious destinies of mankind . mr . weevle reverts from this intelligence to the galaxy portraits implicated , and seems to know the originals , and to be known of them . for the rest he is a quiet lodger , full of handy shifts and devices as before mentioned , able to cook and clean for himself as well as to carpenter , and developing social inclinations after the shades of evening have fallen on the court . at those times , when he is not visited by mr . guppy or by a small light in his likeness quenched in a dark hat , he comes out of his dull room  he has inherited the deal wilderness of desk bespattered with a rain of ink  talks to krook or is very free , as they call it in the court , commendingly , with any one disposed for conversation . wherefore , mrs . piper , who leads the court , is impelled to offer two remarks to mrs . perkins firstly , that if her johnny was to have whiskers , she could wish em to be identically like that young mans and secondly , mark my words , mrs . perkins , maam , and dont you be surprised , lord bless you , if that young man comes in at last for old krooks money . chapter xxi the smallweed family in a rather ill favoured and ill savoured neighbourhood , though one of its rising grounds bears the name of mount pleasant , the elfin smallweed , christened bartholomew and known on the domestic hearth as bart , passes that limited portion of his time on which the office and its contingencies have no claim . he dwells in a little narrow street , always solitary , shady , and sad , closely bricked in on all sides like a tomb , but where there yet lingers the stump of an old forest tree whose flavour is about as fresh and natural as the smallweed smack of youth . there has been only one child in the smallweed family for several generations . little old men and women there have been , but no child , until mr . smallweeds grandmother , now living , became weak in her intellect and fell into a childish state . with such infantine graces as a total want of observation , memory , understanding , and interest , and an eternal disposition to fall asleep over the fire and into it , mr . smallweeds grandmother has undoubtedly brightened the family . mr . smallweeds grandfather is likewise of the party . he is in a helpless condition as to his lower , and nearly so as to his upper , limbs , but his mind is unimpaired . it holds , as well as it ever held , the first four rules of arithmetic and a certain small collection of the hardest facts . in respect of ideality , reverence , wonder , and other such phrenological attributes , it is no worse off than it used to be . everything that mr . smallweeds grandfather ever put away in his mind was a grub at first , and is a grub at last . in all his life he has never bred a single butterfly . the father of this pleasant grandfather , of the neighbourhood of mount pleasant , was a horny skinned, , two legged, , money getting species of spider who spun webs to catch unwary flies and retired into holes until they were entrapped . the name of this old pagans god was compound interest . he lived for it , married it , died of it . meeting with a heavy loss in an honest little enterprise in which all the loss was intended to have been on the other side , he broke something  necessary to his existence , therefore it couldnt have been his heart  made an end of his career . as his character was not good , and he had been bred at a charity school in a complete course , according to question and answer , of those ancient people the amorites and hittites , he was frequently quoted as an example of the failure of education . his spirit shone through his son , to whom he had always preached of going out early in life and whom he made a clerk in a sharp scriveners office at twelve years old . there the young gentleman improved his mind , which was of a lean and anxious character , and developing the family gifts , gradually elevated himself into the discounting profession . going out early in life and marrying late , as his father had done before him , he too begat a lean and anxious minded son , who in his turn , going out early in life and marrying late , became the father of bartholomew and judith smallweed , twins . during the whole time consumed in the slow growth of this family tree , the house of smallweed , always early to go out and late to marry , has strengthened itself in its practical character , has discarded all amusements , discountenanced all story books, , fairy tales, , fictions , and fables , and banished all levities whatsoever . hence the gratifying fact that it has had no child born to it and that the complete little men and women whom it has produced have been observed to bear a likeness to old monkeys with something depressing on their minds . at the present time , in the dark little parlour certain feet below the level of the street  grim , hard , uncouth parlour , only ornamented with the coarsest of baize table covers, , and the hardest of sheet iron tea trays, , and offering in its decorative character no bad allegorical representation of grandfather smallweeds mind  in two black horsehair porters chairs , one on each side of the fire place, , the superannuated mr . and mrs . smallweed while away the rosy hours . on the stove are a couple of trivets for the pots and kettles which it is grandfather smallweeds usual occupation to watch , and projecting from the chimney piece between them is a sort of brass gallows for roasting , which he also superintends when it is in action . under the venerable mr . smallweeds seat and guarded by his spindle legs is a drawer in his chair , reported to contain property to a fabulous amount . beside him is a spare cushion with which he is always provided in order that he may have something to throw at the venerable partner of his respected age whenever she makes an allusion to money  subject on which he is particularly sensitive . and wheres bart . grandfather smallweed inquires of judy , barts twin sister . he ant come in yet , says judy . its his tea time, , isnt it . no . how much do you mean to say it wants then . ten minutes . hey . ten minutes . ho . says grandfather smallweed . ten minutes . grandmother smallweed , who has been mumbling and shaking her head at the trivets , hearing figures mentioned , connects them with money and screeches like a horrible old parrot without any plumage , ten notes . grandfather smallweed immediately throws the cushion at her . drat you , be quiet . says the good old man . the effect of this act of jaculation is twofold . it not only doubles up mrs . smallweeds head against the side of her porters chair and causes her to present , when extricated by her granddaughter , a highly unbecoming state of cap , but the necessary exertion recoils on mr . smallweed himself , whom it throws back into his porters chair like a broken puppet . the excellent old gentleman being at these times a mere clothes bag with a black skull cap on the top of it , does not present a very animated appearance until he has undergone the two operations at the hands of his granddaughter of being shaken up like a great bottle and poked and punched like a great bolster . some indication of a neck being developed in him by these means , he and the sharer of his lifes evening again fronting one another in their two porters chairs , like a couple of sentinels long forgotten on their post by the black serjeant , death . judy the twin is worthy company for these associates . she is so indubitably sister to mr . smallweed the younger that the two kneaded into one would hardly make a young person of average proportions , while she so happily exemplifies the before mentioned family likeness to the monkey tribe that attired in a spangled robe and cap she might walk about the table land on the top of a barrel organ without exciting much remark as an unusual specimen . under existing circumstances , however , she is dressed in a plain , spare gown of brown stuff . judy never owned a doll , never heard of cinderella , never played at any game . she once or twice fell into childrens company when she was about ten years old , but the children couldnt get on with judy , and judy couldnt get on with them . she seemed like an animal of another species , and there was instinctive repugnance on both sides . it is very doubtful whether judy knows how to laugh . she has so rarely seen the thing done that the probabilities are strong the other way . of anything like a youthful laugh , she certainly can have no conception . if she were to try one , she would find her teeth in her way , modelling that action of her face , as she has unconsciously modelled all its other expressions , on her pattern of sordid age . such is judy . and her twin brother couldnt wind up a top for his life . he knows no more of jack the giant killer or of sinbad the sailor than he knows of the people in the stars . he could as soon play at leap frog or at cricket as change into a cricket or a frog himself . but he is so much the better off than his sister that on his narrow world of fact an opening has dawned into such broader regions as lie within the ken of mr . guppy . hence his admiration and his emulation of that shining enchanter . judy , with a gong like clash and clatter , sets one of the sheet iron tea trays on the table and arranges cups and saucers . the bread she puts on in an iron basket , and the butter in a small pewter plate . grandfather smallweed looks hard after the tea as it is served out and asks judy where the girl is . charley , do you mean . says judy . hey . from grandfather smallweed . charley , do you mean . this touches a spring in grandmother smallweed , who , chuckling as usual at the trivets , cries , over the water . charley over the water , charley over the water , over the water to charley , over the water , over the water to charley . and becomes quite energetic about it . grandfather looks at the cushion but has not sufficiently recovered his late exertion . ha . he says when there is silence . if thats her name . she eats a deal . it would be better to allow her for her keep . judy , with her brothers wink , shakes her head and purses up her mouth into no without saying it . no . returns the old man . why not . shed want sixpence a day , and we can do it for less , says judy . sure . judy answers with a nod of deepest meaning and calls , as she scrapes the butter on the loaf with every precaution against waste and cuts it into slices , you , charley , where are you . timidly obedient to the summons , a little girl in a rough apron and a large bonnet , with her hands covered with soap and water and a scrubbing brush in one of them , appears , and curtsys . what work are you about now . says judy , making an ancient snap at her like a very sharp old beldame . im a cleaning the upstairs back room , miss , replies charley . mind you do it thoroughly , and dont loiter . shirking wont do for me . make haste . go along . cries judy with a stamp upon the ground . you girls are more trouble than youre worth , by half . on this severe matron , as she returns to her task of scraping the butter and cutting the bread , falls the shadow of her brother , looking in at the window . for whom , knife and loaf in hand , she opens the street door . aye , bart . says grandfather smallweed . here you are , hey . here i am , says bart . been along with your friend again , bart . small nods . dining at his expense , bart . small nods again . thats right . live at his expense as much as you can , and take warning by his foolish example . thats the use of such a friend . the only use you can put him to , says the venerable sage . his grandson , without receiving this good counsel as dutifully as he might , honours it with all such acceptance as may lie in a slight wink and a nod and takes a chair at the tea table . the four old faces then hover over teacups like a company of ghastly cherubim , mrs . smallweed perpetually twitching her head and chattering at the trivets and mr . smallweed requiring to be repeatedly shaken up like a large black draught . yes , says the good old gentleman , reverting to his lesson of wisdom . thats such advice as your father would have given you , bart . you never saw your father . mores the pity . he was my true son . whether it is intended to be conveyed that he was particularly pleasant to look at , on that account , does not appear . he was my true son , repeats the old gentleman , folding his bread and butter on his knee , a good accountant , and died fifteen years ago . mrs . smallweed , following her usual instinct , breaks out with fifteen hundred pound . fifteen hundred pound in a black box , fifteen hundred pound locked up , fifteen hundred pound put away and hid . her worthy husband , setting aside his bread and butter , immediately discharges the cushion at her , crushes her against the side of her chair , and falls back in his own , overpowered . his appearance , after visiting mrs . smallweed with one of these admonitions , is particularly impressive and not wholly prepossessing , firstly because the exertion generally twists his black skull cap over one eye and gives him an air of goblin rakishness , secondly because he mutters violent imprecations against mrs . smallweed , and thirdly because the contrast between those powerful expressions and his powerless figure is suggestive of a baleful old malignant who would be very wicked if he could . all this , however , is so common in the smallweed family circle that it produces no impression . the old gentleman is merely shaken and has his internal feathers beaten up , the cushion is restored to its usual place beside him , and the old lady , perhaps with her cap adjusted and perhaps not , is planted in her chair again , ready to be bowled down like a ninepin . some time elapses in the present instance before the old gentleman is sufficiently cool to resume his discourse , and even then he mixes it up with several edifying expletives addressed to the unconscious partner of his bosom , who holds communication with nothing on earth but the trivets . as thus if your father , bart , had lived longer , he might have been worth a deal of money  brimstone chatterer . just as he was beginning to build up the house that he had been making the foundations for , through many a year  jade of a magpie , jackdaw , and poll parrot, , what do you mean . took ill and died of a low fever , always being a sparing and a spare man , full of business care  should like to throw a cat at you instead of a cushion , and i will too if you make such a confounded fool of yourself . your mother , who was a prudent woman as dry as a chip , just dwindled away like touchwood after you and judy were born  are an old pig . you are a brimstone pig . youre a head of swine . judy , not interested in what she has often heard , begins to collect in a basin various tributary streams of tea , from the bottoms of cups and saucers and from the bottom of the tea pot for the little charwomans evening meal . in like manner she gets together , in the iron bread basket, , as many outside fragments and worn down heels of loaves as the rigid economy of the house has left in existence . but your father and me were partners , bart , says the old gentleman , and when i am gone , you and judy will have all there is . its rare for you both that you went out early in life  to the flower business , and you to the law . you wont want to spend it . youll get your living without it , and put more to it . when i am gone , judy will go back to the flower business and youll still stick to the law . one might infer from judys appearance that her business rather lay with the thorns than the flowers , but she has in her time been apprenticed to the art and mystery of artificial flower making . a close observer might perhaps detect both in her eye and her brothers , when their venerable grandsire anticipates his being gone , some little impatience to know when he may be going , and some resentful opinion that it is time he went . now , if everybody has done , says judy , completing her preparations , ill have that girl in to her tea . she would never leave off if she took it by herself in the kitchen . charley is accordingly introduced , and under a heavy fire of eyes , sits down to her basin and a druidical ruin of bread and butter . in the active superintendence of this young person , judy smallweed appears to attain a perfectly geological age and to date from the remotest periods . her systematic manner of flying at her and pouncing on her , with or without pretence , whether or no , is wonderful , evincing an accomplishment in the art of girl driving seldom reached by the oldest practitioners . now , dont stare about you all the afternoon , cries judy , shaking her head and stamping her foot as she happens to catch the glance which has been previously sounding the basin of tea , but take your victuals and get back to your work . yes , miss , says charley . dont say yes , returns miss smallweed , for i know what you girls are . do it without saying it , and then i may begin to believe you . charley swallows a great gulp of tea in token of submission and so disperses the druidical ruins that miss smallweed charges her not to gormandize , which in you girls , she observes , is disgusting . charley might find some more difficulty in meeting her views on the general subject of girls but for a knock at the door . see who it is , and dont chew when you open it . cries judy . the object of her attentions withdrawing for the purpose , miss smallweed takes that opportunity of jumbling the remainder of the bread and butter together and launching two or three dirty tea cups into the ebb tide of the basin of tea as a hint that she considers the eating and drinking terminated . now . who is it , and whats wanted . says the snappish judy . it is one mr . george , it appears . without other announcement or ceremony , mr . george walks in . whew . says mr . george . you are hot here . always a fire , eh . well . perhaps you do right to get used to one . mr . george makes the latter remark to himself as he nods to grandfather smallweed . ho . its you . cries the old gentleman . how de do . how de do . middling , replies mr . george , taking a chair . your granddaughter i have had the honour of seeing before my service to you , miss . this is my grandson , says grandfather smallweed . you hant seen him before . he is in the law and not much at home . my service to him , too . he is like his sister . he is very like his sister . he is devilish like his sister , says mr . george , laying a great and not altogether complimentary stress on his last adjective . and how does the world use you , mr . george . grandfather smallweed inquires , slowly rubbing his legs . pretty much as usual . like a football . he is a swarthy brown man of fifty , well made , and good looking , with crisp dark hair , bright eyes , and a broad chest . his sinewy and powerful hands , as sunburnt as his face , have evidently been used to a pretty rough life . what is curious about him is that he sits forward on his chair as if he were , from long habit , allowing space for some dress or accoutrements that he has altogether laid aside . his step too is measured and heavy and would go well with a weighty clash and jingle of spurs . he is close shaved now , but his mouth is set as if his upper lip had been for years familiar with a great moustache and his manner of occasionally laying the open palm of his broad brown hand upon it is to the same effect . altogether one might guess mr . george to have been a trooper once upon a time . a special contrast mr . george makes to the smallweed family . trooper was never yet billeted upon a household more unlike him . it is a broadsword to an oyster knife . his developed figure and their stunted forms , his large manner filling any amount of room and their little narrow pinched ways , his sounding voice and their sharp spare tones , are in the strongest and the strangest opposition . as he sits in the middle of the grim parlour , leaning a little forward , with his hands upon his thighs and his elbows squared , he looks as though , if he remained there long , he would absorb into himself the whole family and the whole four roomed house , extra little back kitchen and all . do you rub your legs to rub life into em . he asks of grandfather smallweed after looking round the room . why , its partly a habit , mr . george , and  partly helps the circulation , he replies . the cir cu . repeats mr . george , folding his arms upon his chest and seeming to become two sizes larger . not much of that , i should think . truly im old , mr . george , says grandfather smallweed . but i can carry my years . im older than her , nodding at his wife , and see what she is . youre a brimstone chatterer . with a sudden revival of his late hostility . unlucky old soul . says mr . george , turning his head in that direction . dont scold the old lady . look at her here , with her poor cap half off her head and her poor hair all in a muddle . hold up , maam . thats better . there we are . think of your mother , mr . smallweed , says mr . george , coming back to his seat from assisting her , if your wife ant enough . i suppose you were an excellent son , mr . george . the old man hints with a leer . the colour of mr . georges face rather deepens as he replies , why no . i wasnt . i am astonished at it . so am i . i ought to have been a good son , and i think i meant to have been one . but i wasnt . i was a thundering bad son , thats the long and the short of it , and never was a credit to anybody . surprising . cries the old man . however , mr . george resumes , the less said about it , the better now . come . you know the agreement . always a pipe out of the two months interest . bosh . its all correct . you neednt be afraid to order the pipe . heres the new bill , and heres the two months interest money, , and a devil and of a scrape it is to get it together in my business . mr . george sits , with his arms folded , consuming the family and the parlour while grandfather smallweed is assisted by judy to two black leathern cases out of a locked bureau , in one of which he secures the document he has just received , and from the other takes another similar document which he hands to mr . george , who twists it up for a pipelight . as the old man inspects , through his glasses , every up stroke and down stroke of both documents before he releases them from their leathern prison , and as he counts the money three times over and requires judy to say every word she utters at least twice , and is as tremulously slow of speech and action as it is possible to be , this business is a long time in progress . when it is quite concluded , and not before , he disengages his ravenous eyes and fingers from it and answers mr . georges last remark by saying , afraid to order the pipe . we are not so mercenary as that , sir . judy , see directly to the pipe and the glass of cold brandy and for mr . george . the sportive twins , who have been looking straight before them all this time except when they have been engrossed by the black leathern cases , retire together , generally disdainful of the visitor , but leaving him to the old man as two young cubs might leave a traveller to the parental bear . and there you sit , i suppose , all the day long , eh . says mr . george with folded arms . just so , just so , the old man nods . and dont you occupy yourself at all . i watch the fire  the boiling and the roasting  when there is any , says mr . george with great expression . just so . when there is any . dont you read or get read to . the old man shakes his head with sharp sly triumph . no , . we have never been readers in our family . it dont pay . stuff . idleness . folly . no , . theres not much to choose between your two states , says the visitor in a key too low for the old mans dull hearing as he looks from him to the old woman and back again . i say . in a louder voice . i hear you . youll sell me up at last , i suppose , when i am a day in arrear . my dear friend . cries grandfather smallweed , stretching out both hands to embrace him . never . never , my dear friend . but my friend in the city that i got to lend you the money  might . oh . you cant answer for him . says mr . george , finishing the inquiry in his lower key with the words you lying old rascal . my dear friend , he is not to be depended on . i wouldnt trust him . he will have his bond , my dear friend . devil doubt him , says mr . george . charley appearing with a tray , on which are the pipe , a small paper of tobacco , and the brandy and , he asks her , how do you come here . you havent got the family face . i goes out to work , sir , returns charley . the trooper takes her bonnet off , with a light touch for so strong a hand , and pats her on the head . you give the house almost a wholesome look . it wants a bit of youth as much as it wants fresh air . then he dismisses her , lights his pipe , and drinks to mr . smallweeds friend in the city  one solitary flight of that esteemed old gentlemans imagination . so you think he might be hard upon me , eh . i think he might  am afraid he would . i have known him do it , says grandfather smallweed incautiously , twenty times . incautiously , because his stricken better half, , who has been dozing over the fire for some time , is instantly aroused and jabbers twenty thousand pounds , twenty notes in a money box, , twenty guineas , twenty million twenty per cent , twenty  and is then cut short by the flying cushion , which the visitor , to whom this singular experiment appears to be a novelty , snatches from her face as it crushes her in the usual manner . youre a brimstone idiot . youre a scorpion  brimstone scorpion . youre a sweltering toad . youre a chattering clattering broomstick witch that ought to be burnt . gasps the old man , prostrate in his chair . my dear friend , will you shake me up a little . mr . george , who has been looking first at one of them and then at the other , as if he were demented , takes his venerable acquaintance by the throat on receiving this request , and dragging him upright in his chair as easily as if he were a doll , appears in two minds whether or no to shake all future power of cushioning out of him and shake him into his grave . resisting the temptation , but agitating him violently enough to make his head roll like a harlequins , he puts him smartly down in his chair again and adjusts his skull cap with such a rub that the old man winks with both eyes for a minute afterwards . o lord . gasps mr . smallweed . thatll do . thank you , my dear friend , thatll do . oh , dear me , im out of breath . o lord . and mr . smallweed says it not without evident apprehensions of his dear friend , who still stands over him looming larger than ever . the alarming presence , however , gradually subsides into its chair and falls to smoking in long puffs , consoling itself with the philosophical reflection , the name of your friend in the city begins with a d , comrade , and youre about right respecting the bond . did you speak , mr . george . inquires the old man . the trooper shakes his head , and leaning forward with his right elbow on his right knee and his pipe supported in that hand , while his other hand , resting on his left leg , squares his left elbow in a martial manner , continues to smoke . meanwhile he looks at mr . smallweed with grave attention and now and then fans the cloud of smoke away in order that he may see him the more clearly . i take it , he says , making just as much and as little change in his position as will enable him to reach the glass to his lips with a round , full action , that i am the only man alive that gets the value of a pipe out of you . well , returns the old man , its true that i dont see company , mr . george , and that i dont treat . i cant afford to it . but as you , in your pleasant way , made your pipe a condition  why , its not for the value of it thats no great thing . it was a fancy to get it out of you . to have something in for my money . ha . youre prudent , sir . cries grandfather smallweed , rubbing his legs . very . i always was . puff . its a sure sign of my prudence that i ever found the way here . puff . also , that i am what i am . puff . i am well known to be prudent , says mr . george , composedly smoking . i rose in life that way . dont be down hearted, , sir . you may rise yet . mr . george laughs and drinks . hant you no relations , now , asks grandfather smallweed with a twinkle in his eyes , who would pay off this little principal or who would lend you a good name or two that i could persuade my friend in the city to make you a further advance upon . two good names would be sufficient for my friend in the city . hant you no such relations , mr . george . mr . george , still composedly smoking , replies , if i had , i shouldnt trouble them . i have been trouble enough to my belongings in my day . it may be a very good sort of penitence in a vagabond , who has wasted the best time of his life , to go back then to decent people that he never was a credit to and live upon them , but its not my sort . the best kind of amends then for having gone away is to keep away , in my opinion . but natural affection , mr . george , hints grandfather smallweed . for two good names , hey . says mr . george , shaking his head and still composedly smoking . no . thats not my sort either . grandfather smallweed has been gradually sliding down in his chair since his last adjustment and is now a bundle of clothes with a voice in it calling for judy . that houri , appearing , shakes him up in the usual manner and is charged by the old gentleman to remain near him . for he seems chary of putting his visitor to the trouble of repeating his late attentions . ha . he observes when he is in trim again . if you could have traced out the captain , mr . george , it would have been the making of you . if when you first came here , in consequence of our advertisement in the newspapers  i say our , im alluding to the advertisements of my friend in the city , and one or two others who embark their capital in the same way , and are so friendly towards me as sometimes to give me a lift with my little pittance  at that time you could have helped us , mr . george , it would have been the making of you . i was willing enough to be made , as you call it , says mr . george , smoking not quite so placidly as before , for since the entrance of judy he has been in some measure disturbed by a fascination , not of the admiring kind , which obliges him to look at her as she stands by her grandfathers chair , but on the whole , i am glad i wasnt now . why , mr . george . in the name of  brimstone , why . says grandfather smallweed with a plain appearance of exasperation . brimstone apparently suggested by his eye lighting on mrs . smallweed in her slumber . for two reasons , comrade . and what two reasons , mr . george . in the name of the  of our friend in the city . suggests mr . george , composedly drinking . aye , if you like . what two reasons . in the first place , returns mr . george , but still looking at judy as if she being so old and so like her grandfather it is indifferent which of the two he addresses , you gentlemen took me in . you advertised that mr . hawdon captain hawdon , if you hold to the saying once a captain , always a captain was to hear of something to his advantage . well . returns the old man shrilly and sharply . well . says mr . george , smoking on . it wouldnt have been much to his advantage to have been clapped into prison by the whole bill and judgment trade of london . how do you know that . some of his rich relations might have paid his debts or compounded for em . besides , he had taken us in . he owed us immense sums all round . i would sooner have strangled him than had no return . if i sit here thinking of him , snarls the old man , holding up his impotent ten fingers , i want to strangle him now . and in a sudden access of fury , he throws the cushion at the unoffending mrs . smallweed , but it passes harmlessly on one side of her chair . i dont need to be told , returns the trooper , taking his pipe from his lips for a moment and carrying his eyes back from following the progress of the cushion to the pipe bowl which is burning low , that he carried on heavily and went to ruin . i have been at his right hand many a day when he was charging upon ruin full gallop . i was with him when he was sick and well , rich and poor . i laid this hand upon him after he had run through everything and broken down everything beneath him  he held a pistol to his head . i wish he had let it off , says the benevolent old man , and blown his head into as many pieces as he owed pounds . that would have been a smash indeed , returns the trooper coolly any way , he had been young , hopeful , and handsome in the days gone by , and i am glad i never found him , when he was neither , to lead to a result so much to his advantage . thats reason number one . i hope number twos as good . snarls the old man . why , no . its more of a selfish reason . if i had found him , i must have gone to the other world to look . he was there . how do you know he was there . he wasnt here . how do you know he wasnt here . dont lose your temper as well as your money , says mr . george , calmly knocking the ashes out of his pipe . he was drowned long before . i am convinced of it . he went over a ships side . whether intentionally or accidentally , i dont know . perhaps your friend in the city does . do you know what that tune is , mr . smallweed . he adds after breaking off to whistle one , accompanied on the table with the empty pipe . tune . replied the old man . no . we never have tunes here . thats the dead march in saul . they bury soldiers to it , so its the natural end of the subject . now , if your pretty granddaughter  me , miss  condescend to take care of this pipe for two months , we shall save the cost of one next time . good evening , mr . smallweed . my dear friend . the old man gives him both his hands . so you think your friend in the city will be hard upon me if i fall in a payment . says the trooper , looking down upon him like a giant . my dear friend , i am afraid he will , returns the old man , looking up at him like a pygmy . mr . george laughs , and with a glance at mr . smallweed and a parting salutation to the scornful judy , strides out of the parlour , clashing imaginary sabres and other metallic appurtenances as he goes . youre a damned rogue , says the old gentleman , making a hideous grimace at the door as he shuts it . but ill lime you , dog , ill lime you . after this amiable remark , his spirit soars into those enchanting regions of reflection which its education and pursuits have opened to it , and again he and mrs . smallweed while away the rosy hours , two unrelieved sentinels forgotten as aforesaid by the black serjeant . while the twain are faithful to their post , mr . george strides through the streets with a massive kind of swagger and a grave enough face . it is eight oclock now , and the day is fast drawing in . he stops hard by waterloo bridge and reads a playbill , decides to go to astleys theatre . being there , is much delighted with the horses and the feats of strength looks at the weapons with a critical eye disapproves of the combats as giving evidences of unskilful swordsmanship but is touched home by the sentiments . in the last scene , when the emperor of tartary gets up into a cart and condescends to bless the united lovers by hovering over them with the union jack , his eyelashes are moistened with emotion . the theatre over , mr . george comes across the water again and makes his way to that curious region lying about the haymarket and leicester square which is a centre of attraction to indifferent foreign hotels and indifferent foreigners , racket courts, , fighting men, , swordsmen , footguards , old china , gaming houses, , exhibitions , and a large medley of shabbiness and shrinking out of sight . penetrating to the heart of this region , he arrives by a court and a long whitewashed passage at a great brick building composed of bare walls , floors , roof rafters, , and skylights , on the front of which , if it can be said to have any front , is painted georges shooting gallery , c . into georges shooting gallery , c . he goes and in it there are gaslights and two whitened targets for rifle shooting, , and archery accommodation , and fencing appliances , and all necessaries for the british art of boxing . none of these sports or exercises being pursued in georges shooting gallery to night, , which is so devoid of company that a little grotesque man with a large head has it all to himself and lies asleep upon the floor . the little man is dressed something like a gunsmith , in a green baize apron and cap and his face and hands are dirty with gunpowder and begrimed with the loading of guns . as he lies in the light before a glaring white target , the black upon him shines again . not far off is the strong , rough , primitive table with a vice upon it at which he has been working . he is a little man with a face all crushed together , who appears , from a certain blue and speckled appearance that one of his cheeks presents , to have been blown up , in the way of business , at some odd time or times . phil . says the trooper in a quiet voice . all right . cries phil , scrambling to his feet . anything been doing . flat as ever so much swipes , says phil . five dozen rifle and a dozen pistol . as to aim . phil gives a howl at the recollection . shut up shop , phil . as phil moves about to execute this order , it appears that he is lame , though able to move very quickly . on the speckled side of his face he has no eyebrow , and on the other side he has a bushy black one , which want of uniformity gives him a very singular and rather sinister appearance . everything seems to have happened to his hands that could possibly take place consistently with the retention of all the fingers , for they are notched , and seamed , and crumpled all over . he appears to be very strong and lifts heavy benches about as if he had no idea what weight was . he has a curious way of limping round the gallery with his shoulder against the wall and tacking off at objects he wants to lay hold of instead of going straight to them , which has left a smear all round the four walls , conventionally called phils mark . this custodian of georges gallery in georges absence concludes his proceedings , when he has locked the great doors and turned out all the lights but one , which he leaves to glimmer , by dragging out from a wooden cabin in a corner two mattresses and bedding . these being drawn to opposite ends of the gallery , the trooper makes his own bed and phil makes his . phil . says the master , walking towards him without his coat and waistcoat , and looking more soldierly than ever in his braces . you were found in a doorway , werent you . gutter , says phil . watchman tumbled over me . then vagabondizing came natural to you from the beginning . as natral as possible , says phil . good night . good night , guvner . phil cannot even go straight to bed , but finds it necessary to shoulder round two sides of the gallery and then tack off at his mattress . the trooper , after taking a turn or two in the rifle distance and looking up at the moon now shining through the skylights , strides to his own mattress by a shorter route and goes to bed too . chapter xxii mr . bucket allegory looks pretty cool in lincolns inn fields , though the evening is hot , for both mr . tulkinghorns windows are wide open , and the room is lofty , gusty , and gloomy . these may not be desirable characteristics when november comes with fog and sleet or january with ice and snow , but they have their merits in the sultry long vacation weather . they enable allegory , though it has cheeks like peaches , and knees like bunches of blossoms , and rosy swellings for calves to its legs and muscles to its arms , to look tolerably cool to night . plenty of dust comes in at mr . tulkinghorns windows , and plenty more has generated among his furniture and papers . it lies thick everywhere . when a breeze from the country that has lost its way takes fright and makes a blind hurry to rush out again , it flings as much dust in the eyes of allegory as the law  mr . tulkinghorn , one of its trustiest representatives  scatter , on occasion , in the eyes of the laity . in his lowering magazine of dust , the universal article into which his papers and himself , and all his clients , and all things of earth , animate and inanimate , are resolving , mr . tulkinghorn sits at one of the open windows enjoying a bottle of old port . though a hard grained man , close , dry , and silent , he can enjoy old wine with the best . he has a priceless bin of port in some artful cellar under the fields , which is one of his many secrets . when he dines alone in chambers , as he has dined to day, , and has his bit of fish and his steak or chicken brought in from the coffee house, , he descends with a candle to the echoing regions below the deserted mansion , and heralded by a remote reverberation of thundering doors , comes gravely back encircled by an earthy atmosphere and carrying a bottle from which he pours a radiant nectar , two score and ten years old , that blushes in the glass to find itself so famous and fills the whole room with the fragrance of southern grapes . mr . tulkinghorn , sitting in the twilight by the open window , enjoys his wine . as if it whispered to him of its fifty years of silence and seclusion , it shuts him up the closer . more impenetrable than ever , he sits , and drinks , and mellows as it were in secrecy , pondering at that twilight hour on all the mysteries he knows , associated with darkening woods in the country , and vast blank shut up houses in town , and perhaps sparing a thought or two for himself , and his family history , and his money , and his will  a mystery to every one  that one bachelor friend of his , a man of the same mould and a lawyer too , who lived the same kind of life until he was seventy five years old , and then suddenly conceiving as it is supposed an impression that it was too monotonous , gave his gold watch to his hair dresser one summer evening and walked leisurely home to the temple and hanged himself . but mr . tulkinghorn is not alone to night ponder at his usual length . seated at the same table , though with his chair modestly and uncomfortably drawn a little way from it , sits a bald , mild , shining man who coughs respectfully behind his hand when the lawyer bids him fill his glass . now , snagsby , says mr . tulkinghorn , to go over this odd story again . if you please , sir . you told me when you were so good as to step round here last night  for which i must ask you to excuse me if it was a liberty , sir but i remember that you had taken a sort of an interest in that person , and i thought it possible that you might  mr . tulkinghorn is not the man to help him to any conclusion or to admit anything as to any possibility concerning himself . so mr . snagsby trails off into saying , with an awkward cough , i must ask you to excuse the liberty , sir , i am sure . not at all , says mr . tulkinghorn . you told me , snagsby , that you put on your hat and came round without mentioning your intention to your wife . that was prudent i think , because its not a matter of such importance that it requires to be mentioned . well , sir , returns mr . snagsby , you see , my little woman is  to put too fine a point upon it  . shes inquisitive . poor little thing , shes liable to spasms , and its good for her to have her mind employed . in consequence of which she employs it  should say upon every individual thing she can lay hold of , whether it concerns her or not  . my little woman has a very active mind , sir . mr . snagsby drinks and murmurs with an admiring cough behind his hand , dear me , very fine wine indeed . therefore you kept your visit to yourself last night . says mr . tulkinghorn . and to night too . yes , sir , and to night, , too . my little woman is at present in  to put too fine a point on it  a pious state , or in what she considers such , and attends the evening exertions which is the name they go by of a reverend party of the name of chadband . he has a great deal of eloquence at his command , undoubtedly , but i am not quite favourable to his style myself . thats neither here nor there . my little woman being engaged in that way made it easier for me to step round in a quiet manner . mr . tulkinghorn assents . fill your glass , snagsby . thank you , sir , i am sure , returns the stationer with his cough of deference . this is wonderfully fine wine , sir . it is a rare wine now , says mr . tulkinghorn . it is fifty years old . is it indeed , sir . but i am not surprised to hear it , i am sure . it might be  age almost . after rendering this general tribute to the port , mr . snagsby in his modesty coughs an apology behind his hand for drinking anything so precious . will you run over , once again , what the boy said . asks mr . tulkinghorn , putting his hands into the pockets of his rusty smallclothes and leaning quietly back in his chair . with pleasure , sir . then , with fidelity , though with some prolixity , the law stationer repeats jos statement made to the assembled guests at his house . on coming to the end of his narrative , he gives a great start and breaks off with , dear me , sir , i wasnt aware there was any other gentleman present . mr . snagsby is dismayed to see , standing with an attentive face between himself and the lawyer at a little distance from the table , a person with a hat and stick in his hand who was not there when he himself came in and has not since entered by the door or by either of the windows . there is a press in the room , but its hinges have not creaked , nor has a step been audible upon the floor . yet this third person stands there with his attentive face , and his hat and stick in his hands , and his hands behind him , a composed and quiet listener . he is a stoutly built , steady looking, , sharp eyed man in black , of about the middle age . except that he looks at mr . snagsby as if he were going to take his portrait , there is nothing remarkable about him at first sight but his ghostly manner of appearing . dont mind this gentleman , says mr . tulkinghorn in his quiet way . this is only mr . bucket . oh , indeed , sir . returns the stationer , expressing by a cough that he is quite in the dark as to who mr . bucket may be . i wanted him to hear this story , says the lawyer , because i have half a mind to know more of it , and he is very intelligent in such things . what do you say to this , bucket . its very plain , sir . since our people have moved this boy on , and hes not to be found on his old lay , if mr . snagsby dont object to go down with me to tom all and point him out , we can have him here in less than a couple of hours time . i can do it without mr . snagsby , of course , but this is the shortest way . mr . bucket is a detective officer , snagsby , says the lawyer in explanation . is he indeed , sir . says mr . snagsby with a strong tendency in his clump of hair to stand on end . and if you have no real objection to accompany mr . bucket to the place in question , pursues the lawyer , i shall feel obliged to you if you will do so . in a moments hesitation on the part of mr . snagsby , bucket dips down to the bottom of his mind . dont you be afraid of hurting the boy , he says . you wont do that . its all right as far as the boys concerned . we shall only bring him here to ask him a question or so i want to put to him , and hell be paid for his trouble and sent away again . itll be a good job for him . i promise you , as a man , that you shall see the boy sent away all right . dont you be afraid of hurting him you ant going to do that . very well , mr . tulkinghorn . cries mr . snagsby cheerfully . and reassured , since thats the case  yes . and lookee here , mr . snagsby , resumes bucket , taking him aside by the arm , tapping him familiarly on the breast , and speaking in a confidential tone . youre a man of the world , you know , and a man of business , and a man of sense . thats what you are . i am sure i am much obliged to you for your good opinion , returns the stationer with his cough of modesty , but  thats what you are , you know , says bucket . now , it ant necessary to say to a man like you , engaged in your business , which is a business of trust and requires a person to be wide awake and have his senses about him and his head screwed on tight i had an uncle in your business once  ant necessary to say to a man like you that its the best and wisest way to keep little matters like this quiet . dont you see . quiet . certainly , returns the other . i dont mind telling you , says bucket with an engaging appearance of frankness , that as far as i can understand it , there seems to be a doubt whether this dead person wasnt entitled to a little property , and whether this female hasnt been up to some games respecting that property , dont you see . oh . says mr . snagsby , but not appearing to see quite distinctly . now , what you want , pursues bucket , again tapping mr . snagsby on the breast in a comfortable and soothing manner , is that every person should have their rights according to justice . thats what you want . to be sure , returns mr . snagsby with a nod . on account of which , and at the same time to oblige a  you call it , in your business , customer or client . i forget how my uncle used to call it . why , i generally say customer myself , replies mr . snagsby . youre right . returns mr . bucket , shaking hands with him quite affectionately . account of which , and at the same time to oblige a real good customer , you mean to go down with me , in confidence , to tom all and to keep the whole thing quiet ever afterwards and never mention it to any one . thats about your intentions , if i understand you . you are right , sir . you are right , says mr . snagsby . then heres your hat , returns his new friend , quite as intimate with it as if he had made it and if youre ready , i am . they leave mr . tulkinghorn , without a ruffle on the surface of his unfathomable depths , drinking his old wine , and go down into the streets . you dont happen to know a very good sort of person of the name of gridley , do you . says bucket in friendly converse as they descend the stairs . no , says mr . snagsby , considering , i dont know anybody of that name . why . nothing particular , says bucket only having allowed his temper to get a little the better of him and having been threatening some respectable people , he is keeping out of the way of a warrant i have got against him  its a pity that a man of sense should do . as they walk along , mr . snagsby observes , as a novelty , that however quick their pace may be , his companion still seems in some undefinable manner to lurk and lounge also , that whenever he is going to turn to the right or left , he pretends to have a fixed purpose in his mind of going straight ahead , and wheels off , sharply , at the very last moment . now and then , when they pass a police constable on his beat , mr . snagsby notices that both the constable and his guide fall into a deep abstraction as they come towards each other , and appear entirely to overlook each other , and to gaze into space . in a few instances , mr . bucket , coming behind some under sized young man with a shining hat on , and his sleek hair twisted into one flat curl on each side of his head , almost without glancing at him touches him with his stick , upon which the young man , looking round , instantly evaporates . for the most part mr . bucket notices things in general , with a face as unchanging as the great mourning ring on his little finger or the brooch , composed of not much diamond and a good deal of setting , which he wears in his shirt . when they come at last to tom all , mr . bucket stops for a moment at the corner and takes a lighted bulls eye from the constable on duty there , who then accompanies him with his own particular bulls eye at his waist . between his two conductors , mr . snagsby passes along the middle of a villainous street , undrained , unventilated , deep in black mud and corrupt water  the roads are dry elsewhere  reeking with such smells and sights that he , who has lived in london all his life , can scarce believe his senses . branching from this street and its heaps of ruins are other streets and courts so infamous that mr . snagsby sickens in body and mind and feels as if he were going every moment deeper down into the infernal gulf . draw off a bit here , mr . snagsby , says bucket as a kind of shabby palanquin is borne towards them , surrounded by a noisy crowd . heres the fever coming up the street . as the unseen wretch goes by , the crowd , leaving that object of attraction , hovers round the three visitors like a dream of horrible faces and fades away up alleys and into ruins and behind walls , and with occasional cries and shrill whistles of warning , thenceforth flits about them until they leave the place . are those the fever houses, , darby . mr . bucket coolly asks as he turns his bulls eye on a line of stinking ruins . darby replies that all them are , and further that in all , for months and months , the people have been down by dozens and have been carried out dead and dying like sheep with the rot . bucket observing to mr . snagsby as they go on again that he looks a little poorly , mr . snagsby answers that he feels as if he couldnt breathe the dreadful air . there is inquiry made at various houses for a boy named jo . as few people are known in tom all by any christian sign , there is much reference to mr . snagsby whether he means carrots , or the colonel , or gallows , or young chisel , or terrier tip , or lanky , or the brick . mr . snagsby describes over and over again . there are conflicting opinions respecting the original of his picture . some think it must be carrots , some say the brick . the colonel is produced , but is not at all near the thing . whenever mr . snagsby and his conductors are stationary , the crowd flows round , and from its squalid depths obsequious advice heaves up to mr . bucket . whenever they move , and the angry bulls eyes glare , it fades away and flits about them up the alleys , and in the ruins , and behind the walls , as before . at last there is a lair found out where toughy , or the tough subject , lays him down at night and it is thought that the tough subject may be jo . comparison of notes between mr . snagsby and the proprietress of the house  drunken face tied up in a black bundle , and flaring out of a heap of rags on the floor of a dog hutch which is her private apartment  to the establishment of this conclusion . toughy has gone to the doctors to get a bottle of stuff for a sick woman but will be here anon . and who have we got here to night . says mr . bucket , opening another door and glaring in with his bulls eye . two drunken men , eh . and two women . the men are sound enough , turning back each sleepers arm from his face to look at him . are these your good men , my dears . yes , sir , returns one of the women . they are our husbands . brickmakers , eh . yes , sir . what are you doing here . you dont belong to london . no , sir . we belong to hertfordshire . whereabouts in hertfordshire . saint albans . come up on the tramp . we walked up yesterday . theres no work down with us at present , but we have done no good by coming here , and shall do none , i expect . thats not the way to do much good , says mr . bucket , turning his head in the direction of the unconscious figures on the ground . it ant indeed , replies the woman with a sigh . jenny and me knows it full well . the room , though two or three feet higher than the door , is so low that the head of the tallest of the visitors would touch the blackened ceiling if he stood upright . it is offensive to every sense even the gross candle burns pale and sickly in the polluted air . there are a couple of benches and a higher bench by way of table . the men lie asleep where they stumbled down , but the women sit by the candle . lying in the arms of the woman who has spoken is a very young child . why , what age do you call that little creature . says bucket . it looks as if it was born yesterday . he is not at all rough about it and as he turns his light gently on the infant , mr . snagsby is strangely reminded of another infant , encircled with light , that he has seen in pictures . he is not three weeks old yet , sir , says the woman . is he your child . mine . the other woman , who was bending over it when they came in , stoops down again and kisses it as it lies asleep . you seem as fond of it as if you were the mother yourself , says mr . bucket . i was the mother of one like it , master , and it died . ah , jenny , . says the other woman to her . better so . much better to think of dead than alive , jenny . much better . why , you ant such an unnatural woman , i hope , returns bucket sternly , as to wish your own child dead . god knows you are right , master , she returns . i am not . id stand between it and death with my own life if i could , as true as any pretty lady . then dont talk in that wrong manner , says mr . bucket , mollified again . why do you do it . its brought into my head , master , returns the woman , her eyes filling with tears , when i look down at the child lying so . if it was never to wake no more , youd think me mad , i should take on so . i know that very well . i was with jenny when she lost hers  i , jenny . i know how she grieved . but look around you at this place . look at them , glancing at the sleepers on the ground . look at the boy youre waiting for , whos gone out to do me a good turn . think of the children that your business lays with often and often , and that you see grow up . well , says mr . bucket , you train him respectable , and hell be a comfort to you , and look after you in your old age , you know . i mean to try hard , she answers , wiping her eyes . but i have been a thinking, , being over tired to night and not well with the ague , of all the many things thatll come in his way . my master will be against it , and hell be beat , and see me beat , and made to fear his home , and perhaps to stray wild . if i work for him ever so much , and ever so hard , theres no one to help me and if he should be turned bad spite of all i could do , and the time should come when i should sit by him in his sleep , made hard and changed , ant it likely i should think of him as he lies in my lap now and wish he had died as jennys child died . there , . says jenny . liz , youre tired and ill . let me take him . in doing so , she displaces the mothers dress , but quickly readjusts it over the wounded and bruised bosom where the baby has been lying . its my dead child , says jenny , walking up and down as she nurses , that makes me love this child so dear , and its my dead child that makes her love it so dear too , as even to think of its being taken away from her now . while she thinks that , i think what fortune would i give to have my darling back . but we mean the same thing , if we knew how to say it , us two mothers does in our poor hearts . as mr . snagsby blows his nose and coughs his cough of sympathy , a step is heard without . mr . bucket throws his light into the doorway and says to mr . snagsby , now , what do you say to toughy . will he do . thats jo , says mr . snagsby . jo stands amazed in the disk of light , like a ragged figure in a magic lantern, , trembling to think that he has offended against the law in not having moved on far enough . mr . snagsby , however , giving him the consolatory assurance , its only a job you will be paid for , jo , he recovers and on being taken outside by mr . bucket for a little private confabulation , tells his tale satisfactorily , though out of breath . i have squared it with the lad , says mr . bucket , returning , and its all right . now , mr . snagsby , were ready for you . first , jo has to complete his errand of good nature by handing over the physic he has been to get , which he delivers with the laconic verbal direction that its to be all took drectly . secondly , mr . snagsby has to lay upon the table half a crown , his usual panacea for an immense variety of afflictions . thirdly , mr . bucket has to take jo by the arm a little above the elbow and walk him on before him , without which observance neither the tough subject nor any other subject could be professionally conducted to lincolns inn fields . these arrangements completed , they give the women good night and come out once more into black and foul tom all . by the noisome ways through which they descended into that pit , they gradually emerge from it , the crowd flitting , and whistling , and skulking about them until they come to the verge , where restoration of the bulls eyes is made to darby . here the crowd , like a concourse of imprisoned demons , turns back , yelling , and is seen no more . through the clearer and fresher streets , never so clear and fresh to mr . snagsbys mind as now , they walk and ride until they come to mr . tulkinghorns gate . as they ascend the dim stairs mr . tulkinghorns chambers being on the first floor , mr . bucket mentions that he has the key of the outer door in his pocket and that there is no need to ring . for a man so expert in most things of that kind , bucket takes time to open the door and makes some noise too . it may be that he sounds a note of preparation . howbeit , they come at last into the hall , where a lamp is burning , and so into mr . tulkinghorns usual room  where he drank his old wine to night . he is not there , but his two old fashioned candlesticks are , and the room is tolerably light . mr . bucket , still having his professional hold of jo and appearing to mr . snagsby to possess an unlimited number of eyes , makes a little way into this room , when jo starts and stops . whats the matter . says bucket in a whisper . there she is . cries jo . who . the lady . a female figure , closely veiled , stands in the middle of the room , where the light falls upon it . it is quite still and silent . the front of the figure is towards them , but it takes no notice of their entrance and remains like a statue . now , tell me , says bucket aloud , how you know that to be the lady . i know the wale , replies jo , staring , and the bonnet , and the gownd . be quite sure of what you say , tough , returns bucket , narrowly observant of him . look again . i am a looking as hard as ever i can look , says jo with starting eyes , and that theres the wale , the bonnet , and the gownd . what about those rings you told me of . asks bucket . a sparkling all over here , says jo , rubbing the fingers of his left hand on the knuckles of his right without taking his eyes from the figure . the figure removes the right hand glove and shows the hand . now , what do you say to that . asks bucket . jo shakes his head . not rings a bit like them . not a hand like that . what are you talking of . says bucket , evidently pleased though , and well pleased too . hand was a deal whiter , a deal delicater , and a deal smaller , returns jo . why , youll tell me im my own mother next , says mr . bucket . do you recollect the ladys voice . i think i does , says jo . the figure speaks . was it at all like this . i will speak as long as you like if you are not sure . was it this voice , or at all like this voice . jo looks aghast at mr . bucket . not a bit . then , what , retorts that worthy , pointing to the figure , did you say it was the lady for . cos , says jo with a perplexed stare but without being at all shaken in his certainty , cos that theres the wale , the bonnet , and the gownd . it is her and it ant her . it ant her hand , nor yet her rings , nor yet her woice . but that theres the wale , the bonnet , and the gownd , and theyre wore the same way wot she wore em , and its her height wot she wos , and she giv me a sovring and hooked it . well . says mr . bucket slightly , we havent got much good out of you . but , however , heres five shillings for you . take care how you spend it , and dont get yourself into trouble . bucket stealthily tells the coins from one hand into the other like counters  is a way he has , his principal use of them being in these games of skill  then puts them , in a little pile , into the boys hand and takes him out to the door , leaving mr . snagsby , not by any means comfortable under these mysterious circumstances , alone with the veiled figure . but on mr . tulkinghorns coming into the room , the veil is raised and a sufficiently good looking frenchwoman is revealed , though her expression is something of the intensest . thank you , mademoiselle hortense , says mr . tulkinghorn with his usual equanimity . i will give you no further trouble about this little wager . you will do me the kindness to remember , sir , that i am not at present placed . says mademoiselle . certainly , . and to confer upon me the favour of your distinguished recommendation . by all means , mademoiselle hortense . a word from mr . tulkinghorn is so powerful . it shall not be wanting , mademoiselle . receive the assurance of my devoted gratitude , dear sir . good night . mademoiselle goes out with an air of native gentility and mr . bucket , to whom it is , on an emergency , as natural to be groom of the ceremonies as it is to be anything else , shows her downstairs , not without gallantry . well , bucket . quoth mr . tulkinghorn on his return . its all squared , you see , as i squared it myself , sir . there ant a doubt that it was the other one with this ones dress on . the boy was exact respecting colours and everything . mr . snagsby , i promised you as a man that he should be sent away all right . dont say it wasnt done . you have kept your word , sir , returns the stationer and if i can be of no further use , mr . tulkinghorn , i think , as my little woman will be getting anxious  thank you , snagsby , no further use , says mr . tulkinghorn . i am quite indebted to you for the trouble you have taken already . not at all , sir . i wish you good night . you see , mr . snagsby , says mr . bucket , accompanying him to the door and shaking hands with him over and over again , what i like in you is that youre a man its of no use pumping thats what you are . when you know you have done a right thing , you put it away , and its done with and gone , and theres an end of it . thats what you do . that is certainly what i endeavour to do , sir , returns mr . snagsby . no , you dont do yourself justice . it ant what you endeavour to do , says mr . bucket , shaking hands with him and blessing him in the tenderest manner , its what you do . thats what i estimate in a man in your way of business . mr . snagsby makes a suitable response and goes homeward so confused by the events of the evening that he is doubtful of his being awake and out  of the reality of the streets through which he goes  of the reality of the moon that shines above him . he is presently reassured on these subjects by the unchallengeable reality of mrs . snagsby , sitting up with her head in a perfect beehive of curl papers and night cap, , who has dispatched guster to the police station with official intelligence of her husbands being made away with , and who within the last two hours has passed through every stage of swooning with the greatest decorum . but as the little woman feelingly says , many thanks she gets for it . chapter xxiii esthers narrative we came home from mr . boythorns after six pleasant weeks . we were often in the park and in the woods and seldom passed the lodge where we had taken shelter without looking in to speak to the keepers wife but we saw no more of lady dedlock , except at church on sundays . there was company at chesney wold and although several beautiful faces surrounded her , face retained the same influence on me as at first . i do not quite know even now whether it was painful or pleasurable , whether it drew me towards her or made me shrink from her . i think i admired her with a kind of fear , and i know that in her presence my thoughts always wandered back , as they had done at first , to that old time of my life . i had a fancy , on more than one of these sundays , that what this lady so curiously was to me , i was to her  mean that i disturbed her thoughts as she influenced mine , though in some different way . but when i stole a glance at her and saw her so composed and distant and unapproachable , i felt this to be a foolish weakness . indeed , i felt the whole state of my mind in reference to her to be weak and unreasonable , and i remonstrated with myself about it as much as i could . one incident that occurred before we quitted mr . boythorns house , i had better mention in this place . i was walking in the garden with ada when i was told that some one wished to see me . going into the breakfast room where this person was waiting , i found it to be the french maid who had cast off her shoes and walked through the wet grass on the day when it thundered and lightened . mademoiselle , she began , looking fixedly at me with her too eager eyes , though otherwise presenting an agreeable appearance and speaking neither with boldness nor servility , i have taken a great liberty in coming here , but you know how to excuse it , being so amiable , mademoiselle . no excuse is necessary , i returned , if you wish to speak to me . that is my desire , mademoiselle . a thousand thanks for the permission . i have your leave to speak . is it not . she said in a quick , natural way . certainly , said i . mademoiselle , you are so amiable . listen then , if you please . i have left my lady . we could not agree . my lady is so high , so very high . pardon . mademoiselle , you are right . her quickness anticipated what i might have said presently but as yet had only thought . it is not for me to come here to complain of my lady . but i say she is so high , so very high . i will not say a word more . all the world knows that . go on , if you please , said i . assuredly mademoiselle , i am thankful for your politeness . mademoiselle , i have an inexpressible desire to find service with a young lady who is good , accomplished , beautiful . you are good , accomplished , and beautiful as an angel . ah , could i have the honour of being your domestic . i am sorry  i began . do not dismiss me so soon , mademoiselle . she said with an involuntary contraction of her fine black eyebrows . let me hope a moment . mademoiselle , i know this service would be more retired than that which i have quitted . well . i wish that . i know this service would be less distinguished than that which i have quitted . well . i wish that , i know that i should win less , as to wages here . good . i am content . i assure you , said i , quite embarrassed by the mere idea of having such an attendant , that i keep no maid  ah , mademoiselle , but why not . why not , when you can have one so devoted to you . who would be enchanted to serve you who would be so true , so zealous , and so faithful every day . mademoiselle , i wish with all my heart to serve you . do not speak of money at present . take me as i am . for nothing . she was so singularly earnest that i drew back , almost afraid of her . without appearing to notice it , in her ardour she still pressed herself upon me , speaking in a rapid subdued voice , though always with a certain grace and propriety . mademoiselle , i come from the south country where we are quick and where we like and dislike very strong . my lady was too high for me i was too high for her . it is done  . receive me as your domestic , and i will serve you well . i will do more for you than you figure to yourself now . chut . mademoiselle , i will  matter , i will do my utmost possible in all things . if you accept my service , you will not repent it . mademoiselle , you will not repent it , and i will serve you well . you dont know how well . there was a lowering energy in her face as she stood looking at me while i explained the impossibility of my engaging her without thinking it necessary to say how very little i desired to do so , which seemed to bring visibly before me some woman from the streets of paris in the reign of terror . she heard me out without interruption and then said with her pretty accent and in her mildest voice , hey , mademoiselle , i have received my answer . i am sorry of it . but i must go elsewhere and seek what i have not found here . will you graciously let me kiss your hand . she looked at me more intently as she took it , and seemed to take note , with her momentary touch , of every vein in it . i fear i surprised you , mademoiselle , on the day of the storm . she said with a parting curtsy . i confessed that she had surprised us all . i took an oath , mademoiselle , she said , smiling , and i wanted to stamp it on my mind so that i might keep it faithfully . and i will . adieu , mademoiselle . so ended our conference , which i was very glad to bring to a close . i supposed she went away from the village , for i saw her no more and nothing else occurred to disturb our tranquil summer pleasures until six weeks were out and we returned home as i began just now by saying . at that time , and for a good many weeks after that time , richard was constant in his visits . besides coming every saturday or sunday and remaining with us until monday morning , he sometimes rode out on horseback unexpectedly and passed the evening with us and rode back again early next day . he was as vivacious as ever and told us he was very industrious , but i was not easy in my mind about him . it appeared to me that his industry was all misdirected . i could not find that it led to anything but the formation of delusive hopes in connexion with the suit already the pernicious cause of so much sorrow and ruin . he had got at the core of that mystery now , he told us , and nothing could be plainer than that the will under which he and ada were to take i dont know how many thousands of pounds must be finally established if there were any sense or justice in the court of chancery  oh , what a great if that sounded in my ears  that this happy conclusion could not be much longer delayed . he proved this to himself by all the weary arguments on that side he had read , and every one of them sunk him deeper in the infatuation . he had even begun to haunt the court . he told us how he saw miss flite there daily , how they talked together , and how he did her little kindnesses , and how , while he laughed at her , he pitied her from his heart . but he never thought  , my poor , dear , sanguine richard , capable of so much happiness then , and with such better things before him  a fatal link was riveting between his fresh youth and her faded age , between his free hopes and her caged birds , and her hungry garret , and her wandering mind . ada loved him too well to mistrust him much in anything he said or did , and my guardian , though he frequently complained of the east wind and read more than usual in the growlery , preserved a strict silence on the subject . so i thought one day when i went to london to meet caddy jellyby , at her solicitation , i would ask richard to be in waiting for me at the coach office, , that we might have a little talk together . i found him there when i arrived , and we walked away arm in arm . well , richard , said i as soon as i could begin to be grave with him , are you beginning to feel more settled now . oh , yes , my dear . returned richard . im all right enough . but settled . said i . how do you mean , settled . returned richard with his gay laugh . settled in the law , said i . oh , aye , replied richard , im all right enough . you said that before , my dear richard . and you dont think its an answer , eh . well . perhaps its not . settled . you mean , do i feel as if i were settling down . yes . why , no , i cant say i am settling down , said richard , strongly emphasizing down , as if that expressed the difficulty , because one cant settle down while this business remains in such an unsettled state . when i say this business , of course i mean the  subject . do you think it will ever be in a settled state . said i . not the least doubt of it , answered richard . we walked a little way without speaking , and presently richard addressed me in his frankest and most feeling manner , thus my dear esther , i understand you , and i wish to heaven i were a more constant sort of fellow . i dont mean constant to ada , for i love her dearly  and better every day  constant to myself . somehow , i mean something that i cant very well express , but youll make it out . if i were a more constant sort of fellow , i should have held on either to badger or to kenge and carboy like grim death , and should have begun to be steady and systematic by this time , and shouldnt be in debt , and  are you in debt , richard . yes , said richard , i am a little so , my dear . also , i have taken rather too much to billiards and that sort of thing . now the murders out you despise me , esther , dont you . you know i dont , said i . you are kinder to me than i often am to myself , he returned . my dear esther , i am a very unfortunate dog not to be more settled , but how can i be more settled . if you lived in an unfinished house , you couldnt settle down in it if you were condemned to leave everything you undertook unfinished , you would find it hard to apply yourself to anything and yet thats my unhappy case . i was born into this unfinished contention with all its chances and changes , and it began to unsettle me before i quite knew the difference between a suit at law and a suit of clothes and it has gone on unsettling me ever since and here i am now , conscious sometimes that i am but a worthless fellow to love my confiding cousin ada . we were in a solitary place , and he put his hands before his eyes and sobbed as he said the words . oh , richard . said i . do not be so moved . you have a noble nature , and adas love may make you worthier every day . i know , my dear , he replied , pressing my arm , i know all that . you mustnt mind my being a little soft now , for i have had all this upon my mind for a long time , and have often meant to speak to you , and have sometimes wanted opportunity and sometimes courage . i know what the thought of ada ought to do for me , but it doesnt do it . i am too unsettled even for that . i love her most devotedly , and yet i do her wrong , in doing myself wrong , every day and hour . but it cant last for ever . we shall come on for a final hearing and get judgment in our favour , and then you and ada shall see what i can really be . it had given me a pang to hear him sob and see the tears start out between his fingers , but that was infinitely less affecting to me than the hopeful animation with which he said these words . i have looked well into the papers , esther . i have been deep in them for months , he continued , recovering his cheerfulness in a moment , and you may rely upon it that we shall come out triumphant . as to years of delay , there has been no want of them , heaven knows . and there is the greater probability of our bringing the matter to a speedy close in fact , its on the paper now . it will be all right at last , and then you shall see . recalling how he had just now placed messrs . kenge and carboy in the same category with mr . badger , i asked him when he intended to be articled in lincolns inn . there again . i think not at all , esther , he returned with an effort . i fancy i have had enough of it . having worked at jarndyce and jarndyce like a galley slave , i have slaked my thirst for the law and satisfied myself that i shouldnt like it . besides , i find it unsettles me more and more to be so constantly upon the scene of action . so what , continued richard , confident again by this time , do i naturally turn my thoughts to . i cant imagine , said i . dont look so serious , returned richard , because its the best thing i can do , my dear esther , i am certain . its not as if i wanted a profession for life . these proceedings will come to a termination , and then i am provided for . no . i look upon it as a pursuit which is in its nature more or less unsettled , and therefore suited to my temporary condition  may say , precisely suited . what is it that i naturally turn my thoughts to . i looked at him and shook my head . what , said richard , in a tone of perfect conviction , but the army . the army . said i . the army , of course . what i have to do is to get a commission and  i am , you know . said richard . and then he showed me , proved by elaborate calculations in his pocket book, , that supposing he had contracted , say , two hundred pounds of debt in six months out of the army and that he contracted no debt at all within a corresponding period in the army  to which he had quite made up his mind this step must involve a saving of four hundred pounds in a year , or two thousand pounds in five years , which was a considerable sum . and then he spoke so ingenuously and sincerely of the sacrifice he made in withdrawing himself for a time from ada , and of the earnestness with which he aspired  in thought he always did , i know full well  repay her love , and to ensure her happiness , and to conquer what was amiss in himself , and to acquire the very soul of decision , that he made my heart ache keenly , sorely . for , i thought , how would this end , how could this end , when so soon and so surely all his manly qualities were touched by the fatal blight that ruined everything it rested on . i spoke to richard with all the earnestness i felt , and all the hope i could not quite feel then , and implored him for adas sake not to put any trust in chancery . to all i said , richard readily assented , riding over the court and everything else in his easy way and drawing the brightest pictures of the character he was to settle into  , when the grievous suit should loose its hold upon him . we had a long talk , but it always came back to that , in substance . at last we came to soho square , where caddy jellyby had appointed to wait for me , as a quiet place in the neighbourhood of newman street . caddy was in the garden in the centre and hurried out as soon as i appeared . after a few cheerful words , richard left us together . prince has a pupil over the way , esther , said caddy , and got the key for us . so if you will walk round and round here with me , we can lock ourselves in and i can tell you comfortably what i wanted to see your dear good face about . very well , my dear , said i . nothing could be better . so caddy , after affectionately squeezing the dear good face as she called it , locked the gate , and took my arm , and we began to walk round the garden very cosily . you see , esther , said caddy , who thoroughly enjoyed a little confidence , after you spoke to me about its being wrong to marry without mas knowledge , or even to keep ma long in the dark respecting our engagement  i dont believe ma cares much for me , i must say  thought it right to mention your opinions to prince . in the first place because i want to profit by everything you tell me , and in the second place because i have no secrets from prince . i hope he approved , caddy . oh , my dear . i assure you he would approve of anything you could say . you have no idea what an opinion he has of you . indeed . esther , its enough to make anybody but me jealous , said caddy , laughing and shaking her head but it only makes me joyful , for you are the first friend i ever had , and the best friend i ever can have , and nobody can respect and love you too much to please me . upon my word , caddy , said i , you are in the general conspiracy to keep me in a good humour . well , my dear . well . i am going to tell you , replied caddy , crossing her hands confidentially upon my arm . so we talked a good deal about it , and so i said to prince , as miss summerson  i hope you didnt say miss summerson . no . i didnt . cried caddy , greatly pleased and with the brightest of faces . i said , esther . i said to prince , as esther is decidedly of that opinion , prince , and has expressed it to me , and always hints it when she writes those kind notes , which you are so fond of hearing me read to you , i am prepared to disclose the truth to ma whenever you think proper . and i think , prince , said i , that esther thinks that i should be in a better , and truer , and more honourable position altogether if you did the same to your papa . yes , my dear , said i . esther certainly does think so . so i was right , you see . exclaimed caddy . well . this troubled prince a good deal , not because he had the least doubt about it , but because he is so considerate of the feelings of old mr . turveydrop and he had his apprehensions that old mr . turveydrop might break his heart , or faint away , or be very much overcome in some affecting manner or other if he made such an announcement . he feared old mr . turveydrop might consider it undutiful and might receive too great a shock . for old mr . turveydrops deportment is very beautiful , you know , esther , said caddy , and his feelings are extremely sensitive . are they , my dear . oh , extremely sensitive . prince says so . now , this has caused my darling child  didnt mean to use the expression to you , esther , caddy apologized , her face suffused with blushes , but i generally call prince my darling child . i laughed and caddy laughed and blushed , and went on . this has caused him , esther  caused whom , my dear . oh , you tiresome thing . said caddy , laughing , with her pretty face on fire . my darling child , if you insist upon it . this has caused him weeks of uneasiness and has made him delay , from day to day , in a very anxious manner . at last he said to me , caddy , if miss summerson , who is a great favourite with my father , could be prevailed upon to be present when i broke the subject , i think i could do it . so i promised i would ask you . and i made up my mind , besides , said caddy , looking at me hopefully but timidly , that if you consented , i would ask you afterwards to come with me to ma . this is what i meant when i said in my note that i had a great favour and a great assistance to beg of you . and if you thought you could grant it , esther , we should both be very grateful . let me see , caddy , said i , pretending to consider . really , i think i could do a greater thing than that if the need were pressing . i am at your service and the darling childs , my dear , whenever you like . caddy was quite transported by this reply of mine , being , i believe , as susceptible to the least kindness or encouragement as any tender heart that ever beat in this world and after another turn or two round the garden , during which she put on an entirely new pair of gloves and made herself as resplendent as possible that she might do no avoidable discredit to the master of deportment , we went to newman street direct . prince was teaching , of course . we found him engaged with a not very hopeful pupil  stubborn little girl with a sulky forehead , a deep voice , and an inanimate , dissatisfied mama  case was certainly not rendered more hopeful by the confusion into which we threw her preceptor . the lesson at last came to an end , after proceeding as discordantly as possible and when the little girl had changed her shoes and had her white muslin extinguished in shawls , she was taken away . after a few words of preparation , we then went in search of mr . turveydrop , whom we found , grouped with his hat and gloves , as a model of deportment , on the sofa in his private apartment  only comfortable room in the house . he appeared to have dressed at his leisure in the intervals of a light collation , and his dressing case, , brushes , and so forth , all of quite an elegant kind , lay about . father , miss summerson miss jellyby . charmed . enchanted . said mr . turveydrop , rising with his high shouldered bow . permit me . handing chairs . be seated . kissing the tips of his left fingers . overjoyed . shutting his eyes and rolling . my little retreat is made a paradise . recomposing himself on the sofa like the second gentleman in europe . again you find us , miss summerson , said he , using our little arts to polish , . again the sex stimulates us and rewards us by the condescension of its lovely presence . it is much in these times and we have made an awfully degenerating business of it since the days of his royal highness the prince regent  patron , if i may presume to say so to experience that deportment is not wholly trodden under foot by mechanics . that it can yet bask in the smile of beauty , my dear madam . i said nothing , which i thought a suitable reply and he took a pinch of snuff . my dear son , said mr . turveydrop , you have four schools this afternoon . i would recommend a hasty sandwich . thank you , father , returned prince , i will be sure to be punctual . my dear father , may i beg you to prepare your mind for what i am going to say . good heaven . exclaimed the model , pale and aghast as prince and caddy , hand in hand , bent down before him . what is this . is this lunacy . or what is this . father , returned prince with great submission , i love this young lady , and we are engaged . engaged . cried mr . turveydrop , reclining on the sofa and shutting out the sight with his hand . an arrow launched at my brain by my own child . we have been engaged for some time , father , faltered prince , and miss summerson , hearing of it , advised that we should declare the fact to you and was so very kind as to attend on the present occasion . miss jellyby is a young lady who deeply respects you , father . mr . turveydrop uttered a groan . no , pray dont . pray dont , father , urged his son . miss jellyby is a young lady who deeply respects you , and our first desire is to consider your comfort . mr . turveydrop sobbed . no , pray dont , father . cried his son . boy , said mr . turveydrop , it is well that your sainted mother is spared this pang . strike deep , and spare not . strike home , sir , strike home . pray dont say so , father , implored prince , in tears . it goes to my heart . i do assure you , father , that our first wish and intention is to consider your comfort . caroline and i do not forget our duty  is my duty is carolines , as we have often said together  with your approval and consent , father , we will devote ourselves to making your life agreeable . strike home , murmured mr . turveydrop . strike home . but he seemed to listen , i thought , too . my dear father , returned prince , we well know what little comforts you are accustomed to and have a right to , and it will always be our study and our pride to provide those before anything . if you will bless us with your approval and consent , father , we shall not think of being married until it is quite agreeable to you and when we are married , we shall always make you  course  first consideration . you must ever be the head and master here , father and we feel how truly unnatural it would be in us if we failed to know it or if we failed to exert ourselves in every possible way to please you . mr . turveydrop underwent a severe internal struggle and came upright on the sofa again with his cheeks puffing over his stiff cravat , a perfect model of parental deportment . my son . said mr . turveydrop . my children . i cannot resist your prayer . be happy . his benignity as he raised his future daughter in and stretched out his hand to his son who kissed it with affectionate respect and gratitude was the most confusing sight i ever saw . my children , said mr . turveydrop , paternally encircling caddy with his left arm as she sat beside him , and putting his right hand gracefully on his hip . my son and daughter , your happiness shall be my care . i will watch over you . you shall always live with me  , of course , i will always live with you  house is henceforth as much yours as mine consider it your home . may you long live to share it with me . the power of his deportment was such that they really were as much overcome with thankfulness as if , instead of quartering himself upon them for the rest of his life , he were making some munificent sacrifice in their favour . for myself , my children , said mr . turveydrop , i am falling into the sear and yellow leaf , and it is impossible to say how long the last feeble traces of gentlemanly deportment may linger in this weaving and spinning age . but , so long , i will do my duty to society and will show myself , as usual , about town . my wants are few and simple . my little apartment here , my few essentials for the toilet , my frugal morning meal , and my little dinner will suffice . i charge your dutiful affection with the supply of these requirements , and i charge myself with all the rest . they were overpowered afresh by his uncommon generosity . my son , said mr . turveydrop , for those little points in which you are deficient  of deportment , which are born with a man , which may be improved by cultivation , but can never be originated  may still rely on me . i have been faithful to my post since the days of his royal highness the prince regent , and i will not desert it now . no , my son . if you have ever contemplated your fathers poor position with a feeling of pride , you may rest assured that he will do nothing to tarnish it . for yourself , prince , whose character is different we cannot be all alike , nor is it advisable that we should , work , be industrious , earn money , and extend the connexion as much as possible . that you may depend i will do , dear father , with all my heart , replied prince . i have no doubt of it , said mr . turveydrop . your qualities are not shining , my dear child , but they are steady and useful . and to both of you , my children , i would merely observe , in the spirit of a sainted wooman on whose path i had the happiness of casting , i believe , some ray of light , take care of the establishment , take care of my simple wants , and bless you both . old mr . turveydrop then became so very gallant , in honour of the occasion , that i told caddy we must really go to thavies inn at once if we were to go at all that day . so we took our departure after a very loving farewell between caddy and her betrothed , and during our walk she was so happy and so full of old mr . turveydrops praises that i would not have said a word in his disparagement for any consideration . the house in thavies inn had bills in the windows announcing that it was to let , and it looked dirtier and gloomier and ghastlier than ever . the name of poor mr . jellyby had appeared in the list of bankrupts but a day or two before , and he was shut up in the dining room with two gentlemen and a heap of blue bags , account books, , and papers , making the most desperate endeavours to understand his affairs . they appeared to me to be quite beyond his comprehension , for when caddy took me into the dining room by mistake and we came upon mr . jellyby in his spectacles , forlornly fenced into a corner by the great dining table and the two gentlemen , he seemed to have given up the whole thing and to be speechless and insensible . going upstairs to mrs . jellybys room the children were all screaming in the kitchen , and there was no servant to be seen , we found that lady in the midst of a voluminous correspondence , opening , reading , and sorting letters , with a great accumulation of torn covers on the floor . she was so preoccupied that at first she did not know me , though she sat looking at me with that curious , bright eyed, , far off look of hers . ah . miss summerson . she said at last . i was thinking of something so different . i hope you are well . i am happy to see you . mr . jarndyce and miss clare quite well . i hoped in return that mr . jellyby was quite well . why , not quite , my dear , said mrs . jellyby in the calmest manner . he has been unfortunate in his affairs and is a little out of spirits . happily for me , i am so much engaged that i have no time to think about it . we have , at the present moment , one hundred and seventy families , miss summerson , averaging five persons in each , either gone or going to the left bank of the niger . i thought of the one family so near us who were neither gone nor going to the left bank of the niger , and wondered how she could be so placid . you have brought caddy back , i see , observed mrs . jellyby with a glance at her daughter . it has become quite a novelty to see her here . she has almost deserted her old employment and in fact obliges me to employ a boy . i am sure , ma  began caddy . now you know , caddy , her mother mildly interposed , that i do employ a boy , who is now at his dinner . what is the use of your contradicting . i was not going to contradict , ma , returned caddy . i was only going to say that surely you wouldnt have me be a mere drudge all my life . i believe , my dear , said mrs . jellyby , still opening her letters , casting her bright eyes smilingly over them , and sorting them as she spoke , that you have a business example before you in your mother . besides . a mere drudge . if you had any sympathy with the destinies of the human race , it would raise you high above any such idea . but you have none . i have often told you , caddy , you have no such sympathy . not if its africa , ma , i have not . of course you have not . now , if i were not happily so much engaged , miss summerson , said mrs . jellyby , sweetly casting her eyes for a moment on me and considering where to put the particular letter she had just opened , this would distress and disappoint me . but i have so much to think of , in connexion with borrioboola gha and it is so necessary i should concentrate myself that there is my remedy , you see . as caddy gave me a glance of entreaty , and as mrs . jellyby was looking far away into africa straight through my bonnet and head , i thought it a good opportunity to come to the subject of my visit and to attract mrs . jellybys attention . perhaps , i began , you will wonder what has brought me here to interrupt you . i am always delighted to see miss summerson , said mrs . jellyby , pursuing her employment with a placid smile . though i wish , and she shook her head , she was more interested in the borrioboolan project . i have come with caddy , said i , because caddy justly thinks she ought not to have a secret from her mother and fancies i shall encourage and aid her in imparting one . caddy , said mrs . jellyby , pausing for a moment in her occupation and then serenely pursuing it after shaking her head , you are going to tell me some nonsense . caddy untied the strings of her bonnet , took her bonnet off , and letting it dangle on the floor by the strings , and crying heartily , said , ma , i am engaged . oh , you ridiculous child . observed mrs . jellyby with an abstracted air as she looked over the dispatch last opened what a goose you are . i am engaged , ma , sobbed caddy , to young mr . turveydrop , at the academy and old mr . turveydrop who is a very gentlemanly man indeed has given his consent , and i beg and pray youll give us yours , ma , because i never could be happy without it . i never , could . sobbed caddy , quite forgetful of her general complainings and of everything but her natural affection . you see again , miss summerson , observed mrs . jellyby serenely , what a happiness it is to be so much occupied as i am and to have this necessity for self concentration that i have . here is caddy engaged to a dancing masters son  up with people who have no more sympathy with the destinies of the human race than she has herself . this , too , when mr . quale , one of the first philanthropists of our time , has mentioned to me that he was really disposed to be interested in her . ma , i always hated and detested mr . quale . sobbed caddy . caddy , . returned mrs . jellyby , opening another letter with the greatest complacency . i have no doubt you did . how could you do otherwise , being totally destitute of the sympathies with which he overflows . now , if my public duties were not a favourite child to me , if i were not occupied with large measures on a vast scale , these petty details might grieve me very much , miss summerson . but can i permit the film of a silly proceeding on the part of caddy from whom i expect nothing else to interpose between me and the great african continent . no . no , repeated mrs . jellyby in a calm clear voice , and with an agreeable smile , as she opened more letters and sorted them . no , indeed . i was so unprepared for the perfect coolness of this reception , though i might have expected it , that i did not know what to say . caddy seemed equally at a loss . mrs . jellyby continued to open and sort letters and to repeat occasionally in quite a charming tone of voice and with a smile of perfect composure , no , indeed . i hope , ma , sobbed poor caddy at last , you are not angry . oh , caddy , you really are an absurd girl , returned mrs . jellyby , to ask such questions after what i have said of the preoccupation of my mind . and i hope , ma , you give us your consent and wish us well . said caddy . you are a nonsensical child to have done anything of this kind , said mrs . jellyby and a degenerate child , when you might have devoted yourself to the great public measure . but the step is taken , and i have engaged a boy , and there is no more to be said . now , pray , caddy , said mrs . jellyby , for caddy was kissing her , dont delay me in my work , but let me clear off this heavy batch of papers before the afternoon post comes in . i thought i could not do better than take my leave i was detained for a moment by caddys saying , you wont object to my bringing him to see you , ma . oh , dear me , caddy , cried mrs . jellyby , who had relapsed into that distant contemplation , have you begun again . bring whom . him , ma . caddy , . said mrs . jellyby , quite weary of such little matters . then you must bring him some evening which is not a parent society night , or a branch night , or a ramification night . you must accommodate the visit to the demands upon my time . my dear miss summerson , it was very kind of you to come here to help out this silly chit . good bye . when i tell you that i have fifty eight new letters from manufacturing families anxious to understand the details of the native and coffee cultivation question this morning , i need not apologize for having very little leisure . i was not surprised by caddys being in low spirits when we went downstairs , or by her sobbing afresh on my neck , or by her saying she would far rather have been scolded than treated with such indifference , or by her confiding to me that she was so poor in clothes that how she was ever to be married creditably she didnt know . i gradually cheered her up by dwelling on the many things she would do for her unfortunate father and for peepy when she had a home of her own and finally we went downstairs into the damp dark kitchen , where peepy and his little brothers and sisters were grovelling on the stone floor and where we had such a game of play with them that to prevent myself from being quite torn to pieces i was obliged to fall back on my fairy tales . from time to time i heard loud voices in the parlour overhead , and occasionally a violent tumbling about of the furniture . the last effect i am afraid was caused by poor mr . jellybys breaking away from the dining table and making rushes at the window with the intention of throwing himself into the area whenever he made any new attempt to understand his affairs . as i rode quietly home at night after the days bustle , i thought a good deal of caddys engagement and felt confirmed in my hopes in spite of the elder mr . turveydrop that she would be the happier and better for it . and if there seemed to be but a slender chance of her and her husband ever finding out what the model of deportment really was , why that was all for the best too , and who would wish them to be wiser . i did not wish them to be any wiser and indeed was half ashamed of not entirely believing in him myself . and i looked up at the stars , and thought about travellers in distant countries and the stars they saw , and hoped i might always be so blest and happy as to be useful to some one in my small way . they were so glad to see me when i got home , as they always were , that i could have sat down and cried for joy if that had not been a method of making myself disagreeable . everybody in the house , from the lowest to the highest , showed me such a bright face of welcome , and spoke so cheerily , and was so happy to do anything for me , that i suppose there never was such a fortunate little creature in the world . we got into such a chatty state that night , through ada and my guardian drawing me out to tell them all about caddy , that i went on prose , prosing for a length of time . at last i got up to my own room , quite red to think how i had been holding forth , and then i heard a soft tap at my door . so i said , come in . and there came in a pretty little girl , neatly dressed in mourning , who dropped a curtsy . if you please , miss , said the little girl in a soft voice , i am charley . why , so you are , said i , stooping down in astonishment and giving her a kiss . how glad am i to see you , charley . if you please , miss , pursued charley in the same soft voice , im your maid . charley . if you please , miss , im a present to you , with mr . jarndyces love . i sat down with my hand on charleys neck and looked at charley . and oh , miss , says charley , clapping her hands , with the tears starting down her dimpled cheeks , toms at school , if you please , and learning so good . and little emma , shes with mrs . blinder , miss , a being took such care of . and tom , he would have been at school  emma , she would have been left with mrs . blinder  me , i should have been here  a deal sooner , miss only mr . jarndyce thought that tom and emma and me had better get a little used to parting first , we was so small . dont cry , if you please , miss . i cant help it , charley . no , miss , nor i cant help it , says charley . and if you please , miss , mr . jarndyces love , and he thinks youll like to teach me now and then . and if you please , tom and emma and me is to see each other once a month . and im so happy and so thankful , miss , cried charley with a heaving heart , and ill try to be such a good maid . oh , charley dear , never forget who did all this . no , miss , i never will . nor tom wont . nor yet emma . it was all you , miss . i have known nothing of it . it was mr . jarndyce , charley . yes , miss , but it was all done for the love of you and that you might be my mistress . if you please , miss , i am a little present with his love , and it was all done for the love of you . me and tom was to be sure to remember it . charley dried her eyes and entered on her functions , going in her matronly little way about and about the room and folding up everything she could lay her hands upon . presently charley came creeping back to my side and said , oh , dont cry , if you please , miss . and i said again , i cant help it , charley . and charley said again , no , miss , nor i cant help it . and so , after all , i did cry for joy indeed , and so did she . chapter xxiv an appeal case as soon as richard and i had held the conversation of which i have given an account , richard communicated the state of his mind to mr . jarndyce . i doubt if my guardian were altogether taken by surprise when he received the representation , though it caused him much uneasiness and disappointment . he and richard were often closeted together , late at night and early in the morning , and passed whole days in london , and had innumerable appointments with mr . kenge , and laboured through a quantity of disagreeable business . while they were thus employed , my guardian , though he underwent considerable inconvenience from the state of the wind and rubbed his head so constantly that not a single hair upon it ever rested in its right place , was as genial with ada and me as at any other time , but maintained a steady reserve on these matters . and as our utmost endeavours could only elicit from richard himself sweeping assurances that everything was going on capitally and that it really was all right at last , our anxiety was not much relieved by him . we learnt , however , as the time went on , that a new application was made to the lord chancellor on richards behalf as an infant and a ward , and i dont know what , and that there was a quantity of talking , and that the lord chancellor described him in open court as a vexatious and capricious infant , and that the matter was adjourned and readjourned , and referred , and reported on , and petitioned about until richard began to doubt whether , if he entered the army at all , it would not be as a veteran of seventy or eighty years of age . at last an appointment was made for him to see the lord chancellor again in his private room , and there the lord chancellor very seriously reproved him for trifling with time and not knowing his mind  pretty good joke , i think , said richard , from that quarter . at last it was settled that his application should be granted . his name was entered at the horse guards as an applicant for an ensigns commission the purchase money was deposited at an agents and richard , in his usual characteristic way , plunged into a violent course of military study and got up at five oclock every morning to practise the broadsword exercise . thus , vacation succeeded term , and term succeeded vacation . we sometimes heard of jarndyce and jarndyce as being in the paper or out of the paper , or as being to be mentioned , or as being to be spoken to and it came on , and it went off . richard , who was now in a professors house in london , was able to be with us less frequently than before my guardian still maintained the same reserve and so time passed until the commission was obtained and richard received directions with it to join a regiment in ireland . he arrived post haste with the intelligence one evening , and had a long conference with my guardian . upwards of an hour elapsed before my guardian put his head into the room where ada and i were sitting and said , come in , my dears . we went in and found richard , whom we had last seen in high spirits , leaning on the chimney piece looking mortified and angry . rick and i , ada , said mr . jarndyce , are not quite of one mind . come , rick , put a brighter face upon it . you are very hard with me , sir , said richard . the harder because you have been so considerate to me in all other respects and have done me kindnesses that i can never acknowledge . i never could have been set right without you , sir . well , . said mr . jarndyce . i want to set you more right yet . i want to set you more right with yourself . i hope you will excuse my saying , sir , returned richard in a fiery way , but yet respectfully , that i think i am the best judge about myself . i hope you will excuse my saying , my dear rick , observed mr . jarndyce with the sweetest cheerfulness and good humour , that its quite natural in you to think so , but i dont think so . i must do my duty , rick , or you could never care for me in cool blood and i hope you will always care for me , cool and hot . ada had turned so pale that he made her sit down in his reading chair and sat beside her . its nothing , my dear , he said , its nothing . rick and i have only had a friendly difference , which we must state to you , for you are the theme . now you are afraid of whats coming . i am not indeed , cousin john , replied ada with a smile , if it is to come from you . thank you , my dear . do you give me a minutes calm attention , without looking at rick . and , little woman , do you likewise . my dear girl , putting his hand on hers as it lay on the side of the easy chair, , you recollect the talk we had , we four when the little woman told me of a little love affair . it is not likely that either richard or i can ever forget your kindness that day , cousin john . i can never forget it , said richard . and i can never forget it , said ada . so much the easier what i have to say , and so much the easier for us to agree , returned my guardian , his face irradiated by the gentleness and honour of his heart . ada , my bird , you should know that rick has now chosen his profession for the last time . all that he has of certainty will be expended when he is fully equipped . he has exhausted his resources and is bound henceforward to the tree he has planted . quite true that i have exhausted my present resources , and i am quite content to know it . but what i have of certainty , sir , said richard , is not all i have . rick , . cried my guardian with a sudden terror in his manner , and in an altered voice , and putting up his hands as if he would have stopped his ears . for the love of god , dont found a hope or expectation on the family curse . whatever you do on this side the grave , never give one lingering glance towards the horrible phantom that has haunted us so many years . better to borrow , better to beg , better to die . we were all startled by the fervour of this warning . richard bit his lip and held his breath , and glanced at me as if he felt , and knew that i felt too , how much he needed it . ada , my dear , said mr . jarndyce , recovering his cheerfulness , these are strong words of advice , but i live in bleak house and have seen a sight here . enough of that . all richard had to start him in the race of life is ventured . i recommend to him and you , for his sake and your own , that he should depart from us with the understanding that there is no sort of contract between you . i must go further . i will be plain with you both . you were to confide freely in me , and i will confide freely in you . i ask you wholly to relinquish , for the present , any tie but your relationship . better to say at once , sir , returned richard , that you renounce all confidence in me and that you advise ada to do the same . better to say nothing of the sort , rick , because i dont mean it . you think i have begun ill , sir , retorted richard . i have , i know . how i hoped you would begin , and how go on , i told you when we spoke of these things last , said mr . jarndyce in a cordial and encouraging manner . you have not made that beginning yet , but there is a time for all things , and yours is not gone by rather , it is just now fully come . make a clear beginning altogether . you two very young , my dears are cousins . as yet , you are nothing more . what more may come must come of being worked out , rick , and no sooner . you are very hard with me , sir , said richard . harder than i could have supposed you would be . my dear boy , said mr . jarndyce , i am harder with myself when i do anything that gives you pain . you have your remedy in your own hands . ada , it is better for him that he should be free and that there should be no youthful engagement between you . rick , it is better for her , much better you owe it to her . come . each of you will do what is best for the other , if not what is best for yourselves . why is it best , sir . returned richard hastily . it was not when we opened our hearts to you . you did not say so then . i have had experience since . i dont blame you , rick , but i have had experience since . you mean of me , sir . well . yes , of both of you , said mr . jarndyce kindly . the time is not come for your standing pledged to one another . it is not right , and i must not recognize it . come , my young cousins , begin afresh . bygones shall be bygones , and a new page turned for you to write your lives in . richard gave an anxious glance at ada but said nothing . i have avoided saying one word to either of you or to esther , said mr . jarndyce , until now , in order that we might be open as the day , and all on equal terms . i now affectionately advise , i now most earnestly entreat , you two to part as you came here . leave all else to time , truth , and steadfastness . if you do otherwise , you will do wrong , and you will have made me do wrong in ever bringing you together . a long silence succeeded . cousin richard , said ada then , raising her blue eyes tenderly to his face , after what our cousin john has said , i think no choice is left us . your mind may be quite at ease about me , for you will leave me here under his care and will be sure that i can have nothing to wish for  sure if i guide myself by his advice . i  dont doubt , cousin richard , said ada , a little confused , that you are very fond of me , and i  dont think you will fall in love with anybody else . but i should like you to consider well about it too , as i should like you to be in all things very happy . you may trust in me , cousin richard . i am not at all changeable but i am not unreasonable , and should never blame you . even cousins may be sorry to part and in truth i am very , sorry , richard , though i know its for your welfare . i shall always think of you affectionately , and often talk of you with esther , and  perhaps you will sometimes think a little of me , cousin richard . so now , said ada , going up to him and giving him her trembling hand , we are only cousins again , richard  the time perhaps  i pray for a blessing on my dear cousin , wherever he goes . it was strange to me that richard should not be able to forgive my guardian for entertaining the very same opinion of him which he himself had expressed of himself in much stronger terms to me . but it was certainly the case . i observed with great regret that from this hour he never was as free and open with mr . jarndyce as he had been before . he had every reason given him to be so , but he was not and solely on his side , an estrangement began to arise between them . in the business of preparation and equipment he soon lost himself , and even his grief at parting from ada , who remained in hertfordshire while he , mr . jarndyce , and i went up to london for a week . he remembered her by fits and starts , even with bursts of tears , and at such times would confide to me the heaviest self reproaches . but in a few minutes he would recklessly conjure up some undefinable means by which they were both to be made rich and happy for ever , and would become as gay as possible . it was a busy time , and i trotted about with him all day long , buying a variety of things of which he stood in need . of the things he would have bought if he had been left to his own ways i say nothing . he was perfectly confidential with me , and often talked so sensibly and feelingly about his faults and his vigorous resolutions , and dwelt so much upon the encouragement he derived from these conversations that i could never have been tired if i had tried . there used , in that week , to come backward and forward to our lodging to fence with richard a person who had formerly been a cavalry soldier he was a fine bluff looking man , of a frank free bearing , with whom richard had practised for some months . i heard so much about him , not only from richard , but from my guardian too , that i was purposely in the room with my work one morning after breakfast when he came . good morning , mr . george , said my guardian , who happened to be alone with me . mr . carstone will be here directly . meanwhile , miss summerson is very happy to see you , i know . sit down . he sat down , a little disconcerted by my presence , i thought , and without looking at me , drew his heavy sunburnt hand across and across his upper lip . you are as punctual as the sun , said mr . jarndyce . military time , sir , he replied . force of habit . a mere habit in me , sir . i am not at all business like . yet you have a large establishment , too , i am told . said mr . jarndyce . not much of a one , sir . i keep a shooting gallery , but not much of a one . and what kind of a shot and what kind of a swordsman do you make of mr . carstone . said my guardian . pretty good , sir , he replied , folding his arms upon his broad chest and looking very large . if mr . carstone was to give his full mind to it , he would come out very good . but he dont , i suppose . said my guardian . he did at first , sir , but not afterwards . not his full mind . perhaps he has something else upon it  young lady , perhaps . his bright dark eyes glanced at me for the first time . he has not me upon his mind , i assure you , mr . george , said i , laughing , though you seem to suspect me . he reddened a little through his brown and made me a troopers bow . no offence , i hope , miss . i am one of the roughs . not at all , said i . i take it as a compliment . if he had not looked at me before , he looked at me now in three or four quick successive glances . i beg your pardon , sir , he said to my guardian with a manly kind of diffidence , but you did me the honour to mention the young ladys name  miss summerson . miss summerson , he repeated , and looked at me again . do you know the name . i asked . no , miss . to my knowledge i never heard it . i thought i had seen you somewhere . i think not , i returned , raising my head from my work to look at him and there was something so genuine in his speech and manner that i was glad of the opportunity . i remember faces very well . so do i , miss . he returned , meeting my look with the fullness of his dark eyes and broad forehead . humph . what set me off , now , upon that . his once more reddening through his brown and being disconcerted by his efforts to remember the association brought my guardian to his relief . have you many pupils , mr . george . they vary in their number , sir . mostly theyre but a small lot to live by . and what classes of chance people come to practise at your gallery . all sorts , sir . natives and foreigners . from gentlemen to prentices . i have had frenchwomen come , before now , and show themselves dabs at pistol shooting . mad people out of number , of course , but they go everywhere where the doors stand open . people dont come with grudges and schemes of finishing their practice with live targets , i hope . said my guardian , smiling . not much of that , sir , though that has happened . mostly they come for skill  idleness . six of one , and half a of the other . i beg your pardon , said mr . george , sitting stiffly upright and squaring an elbow on each knee , but i believe youre a chancery suitor , if i have heard correct . i am sorry to say i am . i have had one of your compatriots in my time , sir . a chancery suitor . returned my guardian . how was that . why , the man was so badgered and worried and tortured by being knocked about from post to pillar , and from pillar to post , said mr . george , that he got out of sorts . i dont believe he had any idea of taking aim at anybody , but he was in that condition of resentment and violence that he would come and pay for fifty shots and fire away till he was red hot . one day i said to him when there was nobody by and he had been talking to me angrily about his wrongs , if this practice is a safety valve, , comrade , well and good but i dont altogether like your being so bent upon it in your present state of mind id rather you took to something else . i was on my guard for a blow , he was that passionate but he received it in very good part and left off directly . we shook hands and struck up a sort of friendship . what was that man . asked my guardian in a new tone of interest . why , he began by being a small shropshire farmer before they made a baited bull of him , said mr . george . was his name gridley . it was , sir . mr . george directed another succession of quick bright glances at me as my guardian and i exchanged a word or two of surprise at the coincidence , and i therefore explained to him how we knew the name . he made me another of his soldierly bows in acknowledgment of what he called my condescension . i dont know , he said as he looked at me , what it is that sets me off again  . whats my head running against . he passed one of his heavy hands over his crisp dark hair as if to sweep the broken thoughts out of his mind and sat a little forward , with one arm akimbo and the other resting on his leg , looking in a brown study at the ground . i am sorry to learn that the same state of mind has got this gridley into new troubles and that he is in hiding , said my guardian . so i am told , sir , returned mr . george , still musing and looking on the ground . so i am told . you dont know where . no , sir , returned the trooper , lifting up his eyes and coming out of his reverie . i cant say anything about him . he will be worn out soon , i expect . you may file a strong mans heart away for a good many years , but it will tell all of a sudden at last . richards entrance stopped the conversation . mr . george rose , made me another of his soldierly bows , wished my guardian a good day , and strode heavily out of the room . this was the morning of the day appointed for richards departure . we had no more purchases to make now i had completed all his packing early in the afternoon and our time was disengaged until night , when he was to go to liverpool for holyhead . jarndyce and jarndyce being again expected to come on that day , richard proposed to me that we should go down to the court and hear what passed . as it was his last day , and he was eager to go , and i had never been there , i gave my consent and we walked down to westminster , where the court was then sitting . we beguiled the way with arrangements concerning the letters that richard was to write to me and the letters that i was to write to him and with a great many hopeful projects . my guardian knew where we were going and therefore was not with us . when we came to the court , there was the lord chancellor  same whom i had seen in his private room in lincolns inn  in great state and gravity on the bench , with the mace and seals on a red table below him and an immense flat nosegay , like a little garden , which scented the whole court . below the table , again , was a long row of solicitors , with bundles of papers on the matting at their feet and then there were the gentlemen of the bar in wigs and gowns  awake and some asleep , and one talking , and nobody paying much attention to what he said . the lord chancellor leaned back in his very easy chair with his elbow on the cushioned arm and his forehead resting on his hand some of those who were present dozed some read the newspapers some walked about or whispered in groups all seemed perfectly at their ease , by no means in a hurry , very unconcerned , and extremely comfortable . to see everything going on so smoothly and to think of the roughness of the suitors lives and deaths to see all that full dress and ceremony and to think of the waste , and want , and beggared misery it represented to consider that while the sickness of hope deferred was raging in so many hearts this polite show went calmly on from day to day , and year to year , in such good order and composure to behold the lord chancellor and the whole array of practitioners under him looking at one another and at the spectators as if nobody had ever heard that all over england the name in which they were assembled was a bitter jest , was held in universal horror , contempt , and indignation , was known for something so flagrant and bad that little short of a miracle could bring any good out of it to any one  was so curious and self contradictory to me , who had no experience of it , that it was at first incredible , and i could not comprehend it . i sat where richard put me , and tried to listen , and looked about me but there seemed to be no reality in the whole scene except poor little miss flite , the madwoman , standing on a bench and nodding at it . miss flite soon espied us and came to where we sat . she gave me a gracious welcome to her domain and indicated , with much gratification and pride , its principal attractions . mr . kenge also came to speak to us and did the honours of the place in much the same way , with the bland modesty of a proprietor . it was not a very good day for a visit , he said he would have preferred the first day of term but it was imposing , it was imposing . when we had been there half an hour or so , the case in progress  i may use a phrase so ridiculous in such a connexion  to die out of its own vapidity , without coming , or being by anybody expected to come , to any result . the lord chancellor then threw down a bundle of papers from his desk to the gentlemen below him , and somebody said , jarndyce and jarndyce . upon this there was a buzz , and a laugh , and a general withdrawal of the bystanders , and a bringing in of great heaps , and piles , and bags and bags full of papers . i think it came on for further directions  some bill of costs , to the best of my understanding , which was confused enough . but i counted twenty three gentlemen in wigs who said they were in it , and none of them appeared to understand it much better than i . they chatted about it with the lord chancellor , and contradicted and explained among themselves , and some of them said it was this way , and some of them said it was that way , and some of them jocosely proposed to read huge volumes of affidavits , and there was more buzzing and laughing , and everybody concerned was in a state of idle entertainment , and nothing could be made of it by anybody . after an hour or so of this , and a good many speeches being begun and cut short , it was referred back for the present , as mr . kenge said , and the papers were bundled up again before the clerks had finished bringing them in . i glanced at richard on the termination of these hopeless proceedings and was shocked to see the worn look of his handsome young face . it cant last for ever , dame durden . better luck next time . was all he said . i had seen mr . guppy bringing in papers and arranging them for mr . kenge and he had seen me and made me a forlorn bow , which rendered me desirous to get out of the court . richard had given me his arm and was taking me away when mr . guppy came up . i beg your pardon , mr . carstone , said he in a whisper , and miss summersons also , but theres a lady here , a friend of mine , who knows her and wishes to have the pleasure of shaking hands . as he spoke , i saw before me , as if she had started into bodily shape from my remembrance , mrs . rachael of my godmothers house . how do you do , esther . said she . do you recollect me . i gave her my hand and told her yes and that she was very little altered . i wonder you remember those times , esther , she returned with her old asperity . they are changed now . well . i am glad to see you , and glad you are not too proud to know me . but indeed she seemed disappointed that i was not . proud , mrs . rachael . i remonstrated . i am married , esther , she returned , coldly correcting me , and am mrs . chadband . well . i wish you good day , and i hope youll do well . mr . guppy , who had been attentive to this short dialogue , heaved a sigh in my ear and elbowed his own and mrs . rachaels way through the confused little crowd of people coming in and going out , which we were in the midst of and which the change in the business had brought together . richard and i were making our way through it , and i was yet in the first chill of the late unexpected recognition when i saw , coming towards us , but not seeing us , no less a person than mr . george . he made nothing of the people about him as he tramped on , staring over their heads into the body of the court . george . said richard as i called his attention to him . you are well met , sir , he returned . and you , miss . could you point a person out for me , i want . i dont understand these places . turning as he spoke and making an easy way for us , he stopped when we were out of the press in a corner behind a great red curtain . theres a little cracked old woman , he began , that  i put up my finger , for miss flite was close by me , having kept beside me all the time and having called the attention of several of her legal acquaintance to me by whispering in their ears , hush . fitz jarndyce on my left . hem . said mr . george . you remember , miss , that we passed some conversation on a certain man this morning . gridley , in a low whisper behind his hand . yes , said i . he is hiding at my place . i couldnt mention it . hadnt his authority . he is on his last march , miss , and has a whim to see her . he says they can feel for one another , and she has been almost as good as a friend to him here . i came down to look for her , for when i sat by gridley this afternoon , i seemed to hear the roll of the muffled drums . shall i tell her . said i . would you be so good . he returned with a glance of something like apprehension at miss flite . its a providence i met you , miss i doubt if i should have known how to get on with that lady . and he put one hand in his breast and stood upright in a martial attitude as i informed little miss flite , in her ear , of the purport of his kind errand . my angry friend from shropshire . almost as celebrated as myself . she exclaimed . now really . my dear , i will wait upon him with the greatest pleasure . he is living concealed at mr . georges , said i . hush . this is mr . george . in  . returned miss flite . very proud to have the honour . a military man , my dear . you know , a perfect general . she whispered to me . poor miss flite deemed it necessary to be so courtly and polite , as a mark of her respect for the army , and to curtsy so very often that it was no easy matter to get her out of the court . when this was at last done , and addressing mr . george as general , she gave him her arm , to the great entertainment of some idlers who were looking on , he was so discomposed and begged me so respectfully not to desert him that i could not make up my mind to do it , especially as miss flite was always tractable with me and as she too said , fitz jarndyce , my dear , you will accompany us , of course . as richard seemed quite willing , and even anxious , that we should see them safely to their destination , we agreed to do so . and as mr . george informed us that gridleys mind had run on mr . jarndyce all the afternoon after hearing of their interview in the morning , i wrote a hasty note in pencil to my guardian to say where we were gone and why . mr . george sealed it at a coffee house, , that it might lead to no discovery , and we sent it off by a ticket porter . we then took a hackney coach and drove away to the neighbourhood of leicester square . we walked through some narrow courts , for which mr . george apologized , and soon came to the shooting gallery , the door of which was closed . as he pulled a bell handle which hung by a chain to the door post, , a very respectable old gentleman with grey hair , wearing spectacles , and dressed in a black spencer and gaiters and a broad brimmed hat , and carrying a large gold beaded cane , addressed him . i ask your pardon , my good friend , said he , but is this georges shooting gallery . it is , sir , returned mr . george , glancing up at the great letters in which that inscription was painted on the whitewashed wall . oh . to be sure . said the old gentleman , following his eyes . thank you . have you rung the bell . my name is george , sir , and i have rung the bell . oh , indeed . said the old gentleman . your name is george . then i am here as soon as you , see . you came for me , no doubt . no , sir . you have the advantage of me . oh , indeed . said the old gentleman . then it was your young man who came for me . i am a physician and was requested  minutes ago  come and visit a sick man at georges shooting gallery . the muffled drums , said mr . george , turning to richard and me and gravely shaking his head . its quite correct , sir . will you please to walk in . the door being at that moment opened by a very singular looking little man in a green baize cap and apron , whose face and hands and dress were blackened all over , we passed along a dreary passage into a large building with bare brick walls where there were targets , and guns , and swords , and other things of that kind . when we had all arrived here , the physician stopped , and taking off his hat , appeared to vanish by magic and to leave another and quite a different man in his place . now lookee here , george , said the man , turning quickly round upon him and tapping him on the breast with a large forefinger . you know me , and i know you . youre a man of the world , and im a man of the world . my names bucket , as you are aware , and i have got a peace warrant against gridley . you have kept him out of the way a long time , and you have been artful in it , and it does you credit . mr . george , looking hard at him , bit his lip and shook his head . now , george , said the other , keeping close to him , youre a sensible man and a well conducted man thats what you are , beyond a doubt . and mind you , i dont talk to you as a common character , because you have served your country and you know that when duty calls we must obey . consequently youre very far from wanting to give trouble . if i required assistance , youd assist me thats what youd do . phil squod , dont you go a sidling round the gallery like that  dirty little man was shuffling about with his shoulder against the wall , and his eyes on the intruder , in a manner that looked threatening  i know you and wont have it . phil . said mr . george . yes , guvner . be quiet . the little man , with a low growl , stood still . ladies and gentlemen , said mr . bucket , youll excuse anything that may appear to be disagreeable in this , for my names inspector bucket of the detective , and i have a duty to perform . george , i know where my man is because i was on the roof last night and saw him through the skylight , and you along with him . he is in there , you know , pointing thats where he is  a sofy . now i must see my man , and i must tell my man to consider himself in custody but you know me , and you know i dont want to take any uncomfortable measures . you give me your word , as from one man to another and an old soldier , mind you , likewise , that its honourable between us two , and ill accommodate you to the utmost of my power . i give it , was the reply . but it wasnt handsome in you , mr . bucket . gammon , george . not handsome . said mr . bucket , tapping him on his broad breast again and shaking hands with him . i dont say it wasnt handsome in you to keep my man so close , do i . be equally good tempered to me , old boy . old william tell , old shaw , the life guardsman . why , hes a model of the whole british army in himself , ladies and gentlemen . id give a fifty pun note to be such a figure of a man . the affair being brought to this head , mr . george , after a little consideration , proposed to go in first to his comrade as he called him , taking miss flite with him . mr . bucket agreeing , they went away to the further end of the gallery , leaving us sitting and standing by a table covered with guns . mr . bucket took this opportunity of entering into a little light conversation , asking me if i were afraid of fire arms, , as most young ladies were asking richard if he were a good shot asking phil squod which he considered the best of those rifles and what it might be worth first hand, , telling him in return that it was a pity he ever gave way to his temper , for he was naturally so amiable that he might have been a young woman , and making himself generally agreeable . after a time he followed us to the further end of the gallery , and richard and i were going quietly away when mr . george came after us . he said that if we had no objection to see his comrade , he would take a visit from us very kindly . the words had hardly passed his lips when the bell was rung and my guardian appeared , on the chance , he slightly observed , of being able to do any little thing for a poor fellow involved in the same misfortune as himself . we all four went back together and went into the place where gridley was . it was a bare room , partitioned off from the gallery with unpainted wood . as the screening was not more than eight or ten feet high and only enclosed the sides , not the top , the rafters of the high gallery roof were overhead , and the skylight through which mr . bucket had looked down . the sun was low  setting  its light came redly in above , without descending to the ground . upon a plain canvas covered sofa lay the man from shropshire , dressed much as we had seen him last , but so changed that at first i recognized no likeness in his colourless face to what i recollected . he had been still writing in his hiding place, , and still dwelling on his grievances , hour after hour . a table and some shelves were covered with manuscript papers and with worn pens and a medley of such tokens . touchingly and awfully drawn together , he and the little mad woman were side by side and , as it were , alone . she sat on a chair holding his hand , and none of us went close to them . his voice had faded , with the old expression of his face , with his strength , with his anger , with his resistance to the wrongs that had at last subdued him . the faintest shadow of an object full of form and colour is such a picture of it as he was of the man from shropshire whom we had spoken with before . he inclined his head to richard and me and spoke to my guardian . mr . jarndyce , it is very kind of you to come to see me . i am not long to be seen , i think . i am very glad to take your hand , sir . you are a good man , superior to injustice , and god knows i honour you . they shook hands earnestly , and my guardian said some words of comfort to him . it may seem strange to you , sir , returned gridley i should not have liked to see you if this had been the first time of our meeting . but you know i made a fight for it , you know i stood up with my single hand against them all , you know i told them the truth to the last , and told them what they were , and what they had done to me so i dont mind your seeing me , this wreck . you have been courageous with them many and many a time , returned my guardian . sir , i have been , with a faint smile . i told you what would come of it when i ceased to be so , and see here . look at us  at us . he drew the hand miss flite held through her arm and brought her something nearer to him . this ends it . of all my old associations , of all my old pursuits and hopes , of all the living and the dead world , this one poor soul alone comes natural to me , and i am fit for . there is a tie of many suffering years between us two , and it is the only tie i ever had on earth that chancery has not broken . accept my blessing , gridley , said miss flite in tears . accept my blessing . i thought , boastfully , that they never could break my heart , mr . jarndyce . i was resolved that they should not . i did believe that i could , and would , charge them with being the mockery they were until i died of some bodily disorder . but i am worn out . how long i have been wearing out , i dont know i seemed to break down in an hour . i hope they may never come to hear of it . i hope everybody here will lead them to believe that i died defying them , consistently and perseveringly , as i did through so many years . here mr . bucket , who was sitting in a corner by the door , good naturedly offered such consolation as he could administer . come , . he said from his corner . dont go on in that way , mr . gridley . you are only a little low . we are all of us a little low sometimes . i am . hold up , hold up . youll lose your temper with the whole round of em , again and again and i shall take you on a score of warrants yet , if i have luck . he only shook his head . dont shake your head , said mr . bucket . nod it thats what i want to see you do . why , lord bless your soul , what times we have had together . havent i seen you in the fleet over and over again for contempt . havent i come into court , twenty afternoons for no other purpose than to see you pin the chancellor like a bull dog . dont you remember when you first began to threaten the lawyers , and the peace was sworn against you two or three times a week . ask the little old lady there she has been always present . hold up , mr . gridley , hold up , sir . what are you going to do about him . asked george in a low voice . i dont know yet , said bucket in the same tone . then resuming his encouragement , he pursued aloud worn out , mr . gridley . after dodging me for all these weeks and forcing me to climb the roof here like a tom cat and to come to see you as a doctor . that aint like being worn out . i should think not . now i tell you what you want . you want excitement , you know , to keep you up thats what you want . youre used to it , and you cant do without it . i couldnt myself . very well , then heres this warrant got by mr . tulkinghorn of lincolns inn fields , and backed into half a counties since . what do you say to coming along with me , upon this warrant , and having a good angry argument before the magistrates . itll do you good itll freshen you up and get you into training for another turn at the chancellor . give in . why , i am surprised to hear a man of your energy talk of giving in . you mustnt do that . youre half the fun of the fair in the court of chancery . george , you lend mr . gridley a hand , and lets see now whether he wont be better up than down . he is very weak , said the trooper in a low voice . is he . returned bucket anxiously . i only want to rouse him . i dont like to see an old acquaintance giving in like this . it would cheer him up more than anything if i could make him a little waxy with me . hes welcome to drop into me , right and left , if he likes . i shall never take advantage of it . the roof rang with a scream from miss flite , which still rings in my ears . oh , no , gridley . she cried as he fell heavily and calmly back from before her . not without my blessing . after so many years . the sun was down , the light had gradually stolen from the roof , and the shadow had crept upward . but to me the shadow of that pair , one living and one dead , fell heavier on richards departure than the darkness of the darkest night . and through richards farewell words i heard it echoed of all my old associations , of all my old pursuits and hopes , of all the living and the dead world , this one poor soul alone comes natural to me , and i am fit for . there is a tie of many suffering years between us two , and it is the only tie i ever had on earth that chancery has not broken . chapter xxv mrs . snagsby sees it all there is disquietude in cooks court , cursitor street . black suspicion hides in that peaceful region . the mass of cooks courtiers are in their usual state of mind , no better and no worse but mr . snagsby is changed , and his little woman knows it . for tom all and lincolns inn fields persist in harnessing themselves , a pair of ungovernable coursers , to the chariot of mr . snagsbys imagination and mr . bucket drives and the passengers are jo and mr . tulkinghorn and the complete equipage whirls though the law stationery business at wild speed all round the clock . even in the little front kitchen where the family meals are taken , it rattles away at a smoking pace from the dinner table, , when mr . snagsby pauses in carving the first slice of the leg of mutton baked with potatoes and stares at the kitchen wall . mr . snagsby cannot make out what it is that he has had to do with . something is wrong somewhere , but what something , what may come of it , to whom , when , and from which unthought of and unheard of quarter is the puzzle of his life . his remote impressions of the robes and coronets , the stars and garters , that sparkle through the surface dust of mr . tulkinghorns chambers his veneration for the mysteries presided over by that best and closest of his customers , whom all the inns of court , all chancery lane , and all the legal neighbourhood agree to hold in awe his remembrance of detective mr . bucket with his forefinger and his confidential manner , impossible to be evaded or declined , persuade him that he is a party to some dangerous secret without knowing what it is . and it is the fearful peculiarity of this condition that , at any hour of his daily life , at any opening of the shop door, , at any pull of the bell , at any entrance of a messenger , or any delivery of a letter , the secret may take air and fire , explode , and blow up  . bucket only knows whom . for which reason , whenever a man unknown comes into the shop as many men unknown do and says , is mr . snagsby in . or words to that innocent effect , mr . snagsbys heart knocks hard at his guilty breast . he undergoes so much from such inquiries that when they are made by boys he revenges himself by flipping at their ears over the counter and asking the young dogs what they mean by it and why they cant speak out at once . more impracticable men and boys persist in walking into mr . snagsbys sleep and terrifying him with unaccountable questions , so that often when the cock at the little dairy in cursitor street breaks out in his usual absurd way about the morning , mr . snagsby finds himself in a crisis of nightmare , with his little woman shaking him and saying whats the matter with the man . the little woman herself is not the least item in his difficulty . to know that he is always keeping a secret from her , that he has under all circumstances to conceal and hold fast a tender double tooth , which her sharpness is ever ready to twist out of his head , gives mr . snagsby , in her dentistical presence , much of the air of a dog who has a reservation from his master and will look anywhere rather than meet his eye . these various signs and tokens , marked by the little woman , are not lost upon her . they impel her to say , snagsby has something on his mind . and thus suspicion gets into cooks court , cursitor street . from suspicion to jealousy , mrs . snagsby finds the road as natural and short as from cooks court to chancery lane . and thus jealousy gets into cooks court , cursitor street . once there and it was always lurking thereabout , it is very active and nimble in mrs . snagsbys breast , prompting her to nocturnal examinations of mr . snagsbys pockets to secret perusals of mr . snagsbys letters to private researches in the day book and ledger , till , cash box, , and iron safe to watchings at windows , listenings behind doors , and a general putting of this and that together by the wrong end . mrs . snagsby is so perpetually on the alert that the house becomes ghostly with creaking boards and rustling garments . the prentices think somebody may have been murdered there in bygone times . guster holds certain loose atoms of an idea picked up at tooting , where they were found floating among the orphans that there is buried money underneath the cellar , guarded by an old man with a white beard , who cannot get out for seven thousand years because he said the lords prayer backwards . who was nimrod . mrs . snagsby repeatedly inquires of herself . who was that lady  creature . and who is that boy . now , nimrod being as dead as the mighty hunter whose name mrs . snagsby has appropriated , and the lady being unproducible , she directs her mental eye , for the present , with redoubled vigilance to the boy . and who , quoth mrs . snagsby for the thousand and first time , is that boy . who is that  . and there mrs . snagsby is seized with an inspiration . he has no respect for mr . chadband . no , to be sure , and he wouldnt have , of course . naturally he wouldnt , under those contagious circumstances . he was invited and appointed by mr . chadband  , mrs . snagsby heard it herself with her own ears . come back , and be told where he was to go , to be addressed by mr . chadband and he never came . why did he never come . because he was told not to come . who told him not to come . who . ha , . mrs . snagsby sees it all . but happily and mrs . snagsby tightly shakes her head and tightly smiles that boy was met by mr . chadband yesterday in the streets and that boy , as affording a subject which mr . chadband desires to improve for the spiritual delight of a select congregation , was seized by mr . chadband and threatened with being delivered over to the police unless he showed the reverend gentleman where he lived and unless he entered into , and fulfilled , an undertaking to appear in cooks court to morrow night , to  , mrs . snagsby repeats for mere emphasis with another tight smile and another tight shake of her head and to morrow night that boy will be here , and to morrow night mrs . snagsby will have her eye upon him and upon some one else and oh , you may walk a long while in your secret ways says mrs . snagsby with haughtiness and scorn , but you cant blind me . mrs . snagsby sounds no timbrel in anybodys ears , but holds her purpose quietly , and keeps her counsel . to morrow comes , the savoury preparations for the oil trade come , the evening comes . comes mr . snagsby in his black coat come the chadbands come when the gorging vessel is replete the prentices and guster , to be edified comes at last , with his slouching head , and his shuffle backward , and his shuffle forward , and his shuffle to the right , and his shuffle to the left , and his bit of fur cap in his muddy hand , which he picks as if it were some mangy bird he had caught and was plucking before eating raw , jo , the very , tough subject mr . chadband is to improve . mrs . snagsby screws a watchful glance on jo as he is brought into the little drawing room by guster . he looks at mr . snagsby the moment he comes in . aha . why does he look at mr . snagsby . mr . snagsby looks at him . why should he do that , but that mrs . snagsby sees it all . why else should that look pass between them , why else should mr . snagsby be confused and cough a signal cough behind his hand . it is as clear as crystal that mr . snagsby is that boys father . peace , my friends , says chadband , rising and wiping the oily exudations from his reverend visage . peace be with us . my friends , why with us . because , with his fat smile , it cannot be against us , because it must be for us because it is not hardening , because it is softening because it does not make war like the hawk , but comes home unto us like the dove . therefore , my friends , peace be with us . my human boy , come forward . stretching forth his flabby paw , mr . chadband lays the same on jos arm and considers where to station him . jo , very doubtful of his reverend friends intentions and not at all clear but that something practical and painful is going to be done to him , mutters , you let me alone . i never said nothink to you . you let me alone . no , my young friend , says chadband smoothly , i will not let you alone . and why . because i am a harvest labourer, , because i am a toiler and a moiler , because you are delivered over unto me and are become as a precious instrument in my hands . my friends , may i so employ this instrument as to use it to your advantage , to your profit , to your gain , to your welfare , to your enrichment . my young friend , sit upon this stool . jo , apparently possessed by an impression that the reverend gentleman wants to cut his hair , shields his head with both arms and is got into the required position with great difficulty and every possible manifestation of reluctance . when he is at last adjusted like a lay figure, , mr . chadband , retiring behind the table , holds up his bears paw and says , my friends . this is the signal for a general settlement of the audience . the prentices giggle internally and nudge each other . guster falls into a staring and vacant state , compounded of a stunned admiration of mr . chadband and pity for the friendless outcast whose condition touches her nearly . mrs . snagsby silently lays trains of gunpowder . mrs . chadband composes herself grimly by the fire and warms her knees , finding that sensation favourable to the reception of eloquence . it happens that mr . chadband has a pulpit habit of fixing some member of his congregation with his eye and fatly arguing his points with that particular person , who is understood to be expected to be moved to an occasional grunt , groan , gasp , or other audible expression of inward working , which expression of inward working , being echoed by some elderly lady in the next pew and so communicated like a game of forfeits through a circle of the more fermentable sinners present , serves the purpose of parliamentary cheering and gets mr . chadbands steam up . from mere force of habit , mr . chadband in saying my friends . has rested his eye on mr . snagsby and proceeds to make that ill starred stationer , already sufficiently confused , the immediate recipient of his discourse . we have here among us , my friends , says chadband , a gentile and a heathen , a dweller in the tents of tom all and a mover on upon the surface of the earth . we have here among us , my friends , and mr . chadband , untwisting the point with his dirty thumb nail, , bestows an oily smile on mr . snagsby , signifying that he will throw him an argumentative back fall presently if he be not already down , a brother and a boy . devoid of parents , devoid of relations , devoid of flocks and herds , devoid of gold and silver and of precious stones . now , my friends , why do i say he is devoid of these possessions . why . why is he . mr . chadband states the question as if he were propounding an entirely new riddle of much ingenuity and merit to mr . snagsby and entreating him not to give it up . mr . snagsby , greatly perplexed by the mysterious look he received just now from his little woman  about the period when mr . chadband mentioned the word parents  tempted into modestly remarking , i dont know , im sure , sir . on which interruption mrs . chadband glares and mrs . snagsby says , for shame . i hear a voice , says chadband is it a still small voice , my friends . i fear not , though i fain would hope so  ah  . from mrs . snagsby . which says , i dont know . then i will tell you why . i say this brother present here among us is devoid of parents , devoid of relations , devoid of flocks and herds , devoid of gold , of silver , and of precious stones because he is devoid of the light that shines in upon some of us . what is that light . what is it . i ask you , what is that light . mr . chadband draws back his head and pauses , but mr . snagsby is not to be lured on to his destruction again . mr . chadband , leaning forward over the table , pierces what he has got to follow directly into mr . snagsby with the thumb nail already mentioned . it is , says chadband , the ray of rays , the sun of suns , the moon of moons , the star of stars . it is the light of terewth . mr . chadband draws himself up again and looks triumphantly at mr . snagsby as if he would be glad to know how he feels after that . of terewth , says mr . chadband , hitting him again . say not to me that it is not the lamp of lamps . i say to you it is . i say to you , a million of times over , it is . it is . i say to you that i will proclaim it to you , whether you like it or not nay , that the less you like it , the more i will proclaim it to you . with a speaking trumpet . i say to you that if you rear yourself against it , you shall fall , you shall be bruised , you shall be battered , you shall be flawed , you shall be smashed . the present effect of this flight of oratory  admired for its general power by mr . chadbands followers  not only to make mr . chadband unpleasantly warm , but to represent the innocent mr . snagsby in the light of a determined enemy to virtue , with a forehead of brass and a heart of adamant , that unfortunate tradesman becomes yet more disconcerted and is in a very advanced state of low spirits and false position when mr . chadband accidentally finishes him . my friends , he resumes after dabbing his fat head for some time  it smokes to such an extent that he seems to light his pocket handkerchief at it , which smokes , too , after every dab  pursue the subject we are endeavouring with our lowly gifts to improve , let us in a spirit of love inquire what is that terewth to which i have alluded . for , my young friends , suddenly addressing the prentices and guster , to their consternation , if i am told by the doctor that calomel or castor oil is good for me , i may naturally ask what is calomel , and what is castor oil . i may wish to be informed of that before i dose myself with either or with both . now , my young friends , what is this terewth then . firstly what is the common sort of terewth  working clothes  every day wear , my young friends . is it deception . ah  . from mrs . snagsby . is it suppression . a shiver in the negative from mrs . snagsby . is it reservation . a shake of the head from mrs . snagsby  long and very tight . no , my friends , it is neither of these . neither of these names belongs to it . when this young heathen now among us  is now , my friends , asleep , the seal of indifference and perdition being set upon his eyelids but do not wake him , for it is right that i should have to wrestle , and to combat and to struggle , and to conquer , for his sake  this young hardened heathen told us a story of a cock , and of a bull , and of a lady , and of a sovereign , was that the terewth . no . or if it was partly , was it wholly and entirely . no , my friends , no . if mr . snagsby could withstand his little womans look as it enters at his eyes , the windows of his soul , and searches the whole tenement , he were other than the man he is . he cowers and droops . or , my juvenile friends , says chadband , descending to the level of their comprehension with a very obtrusive demonstration in his greasily meek smile of coming a long way downstairs for the purpose , if the master of this house was to go forth into the city and there see an eel , and was to come back , and was to call unto him the mistress of this house , and was to say , sarah , rejoice with me , for i have seen an elephant . would that be terewth . mrs . snagsby in tears . or put it , my juvenile friends , that he saw an elephant , and returning said lo , the city is barren , i have seen but an eel , would that be terewth . mrs . snagsby sobbing loudly . or put it , my juvenile friends , said chadband , stimulated by the sound , that the unnatural parents of this slumbering heathen  parents he had , my juvenile friends , beyond a doubt  casting him forth to the wolves and the vultures , and the wild dogs and the young gazelles , and the serpents , went back to their dwellings and had their pipes , and their pots , and their flutings and their dancings , and their malt liquors , and their butchers meat and poultry , would that be terewth . mrs . snagsby replies by delivering herself a prey to spasms , not an unresisting prey , but a crying and a tearing one , so that cooks court re echoes with her shrieks . finally , becoming cataleptic , she has to be carried up the narrow staircase like a grand piano . after unspeakable suffering , productive of the utmost consternation , she is pronounced , by expresses from the bedroom , free from pain , though much exhausted , in which state of affairs mr . snagsby , trampled and crushed in the piano forte removal , and extremely timid and feeble , ventures to come out from behind the door in the drawing room . all this time jo has been standing on the spot where he woke up , ever picking his cap and putting bits of fur in his mouth . he spits them out with a remorseful air , for he feels that it is in his nature to be an unimprovable reprobate and that its no good his trying to keep awake , for he wont never know nothink . though it may be , jo , that there is a history so interesting and affecting even to minds as near the brutes as thine , recording deeds done on this earth for common men , that if the chadbands , removing their own persons from the light , would but show it thee in simple reverence , would but leave it unimproved , would but regard it as being eloquent enough without their modest aid  might hold thee awake , and thou might learn from it yet . jo never heard of any such book . its compilers and the reverend chadband are all one to him , except that he knows the reverend chadband and would rather run away from him for an hour than hear him talk for five minutes . it ant no good my waiting here no longer , thinks jo . mr . snagsby ant a going to say nothink to me to night . and downstairs he shuffles . but downstairs is the charitable guster , holding by the handrail of the kitchen stairs and warding off a fit , as yet doubtfully , the same having been induced by mrs . snagsbys screaming . she has her own supper of bread and cheese to hand to jo , with whom she ventures to interchange a word or so for the first time . heres something to eat , poor boy , says guster . thankee , mum , says jo . are you hungry . jist . says jo . whats gone of your father and your mother , eh . jo stops in the middle of a bite and looks petrified . for this orphan charge of the christian saint whose shrine was at tooting has patted him on the shoulder , and it is the first time in his life that any decent hand has been so laid upon him . i never knowd nothink about em , says jo . no more didnt i of mine , cries guster . she is repressing symptoms favourable to the fit when she seems to take alarm at something and vanishes down the stairs . jo , whispers the law stationer softly as the boy lingers on the step . here i am , mr . snagsby . i didnt know you were gone  another half crown, , jo . it was quite right of you to say nothing about the lady the other night when we were out together . it would breed trouble . you cant be too quiet , jo . i am fly , master . and so , good night . a ghostly shade , frilled and night capped, , follows the law stationer to the room he came from and glides higher up . and henceforth he begins , go where he will , to be attended by another shadow than his own , hardly less constant than his own , hardly less quiet than his own . and into whatsoever atmosphere of secrecy his own shadow may pass , let all concerned in the secrecy beware . for the watchful mrs . snagsby is there too  of his bone , flesh of his flesh , shadow of his shadow . chapter xxvi sharpshooters wintry morning , looking with dull eyes and sallow face upon the neighbourhood of leicester square , finds its inhabitants unwilling to get out of bed . many of them are not early risers at the brightest of times , being birds of night who roost when the sun is high and are wide awake and keen for prey when the stars shine out . behind dingy blind and curtain , in upper story and garret , skulking more or less under false names , false hair , false titles , false jewellery , and false histories , a colony of brigands lie in their first sleep . gentlemen of the green baize road who could discourse from personal experience of foreign galleys and home treadmills spies of strong governments that eternally quake with weakness and miserable fear , broken traitors , cowards , bullies , gamesters , shufflers , swindlers , and false witnesses some not unmarked by the branding iron beneath their dirty braid all with more cruelty in them than was in nero , and more crime than is in newgate . for howsoever bad the devil can be in fustian or smock frock he is a more designing , callous , and intolerable devil when he sticks a pin in his shirt front, , calls himself a gentleman , backs a card or colour , plays a game or so of billiards , and knows a little about bills and promissory notes than in any other form he wears . and in such form mr . bucket shall find him , when he will , still pervading the tributary channels of leicester square . but the wintry morning wants him not and wakes him not . it wakes mr . george of the shooting gallery and his familiar . they arise , roll up and stow away their mattresses . mr . george , having shaved himself before a looking glass of minute proportions , then marches out , bare headed and bare chested, , to the pump in the little yard and anon comes back shining with yellow soap , friction , drifting rain , and exceedingly cold water . as he rubs himself upon a large jack towel, , blowing like a military sort of diver just come up , his hair curling tighter and tighter on his sunburnt temples the more he rubs it so that it looks as if it never could be loosened by any less coercive instrument than an iron rake or a curry comb he rubs , and puffs , and polishes , and blows , turning his head from side to side the more conveniently to excoriate his throat , and standing with his body well bent forward to keep the wet from his martial legs , phil , on his knees lighting a fire , looks round as if it were enough washing for him to see all that done , and sufficient renovation for one day to take in the superfluous health his master throws off . when mr . george is dry , he goes to work to brush his head with two hard brushes at once , to that unmerciful degree that phil , shouldering his way round the gallery in the act of sweeping it , winks with sympathy . this chafing over , the ornamental part of mr . georges toilet is soon performed . he fills his pipe , lights it , and marches up and down smoking , as his custom is , while phil , raising a powerful odour of hot rolls and coffee , prepares breakfast . he smokes gravely and marches in slow time . perhaps this mornings pipe is devoted to the memory of gridley in his grave . and so , phil , says george of the shooting gallery after several turns in silence , you were dreaming of the country last night . phil , by the by , said as much in a tone of surprise as he scrambled out of bed . yes , guvner . what was it like . i hardly know what it was like , guvner , said phil , considering . how did you know it was the country . on account of the grass , i think . and the swans upon it , says phil after further consideration . what were the swans doing on the grass . they was a eating of it , i expect , says phil . the master resumes his march , and the man resumes his preparation of breakfast . it is not necessarily a lengthened preparation , being limited to the setting forth of very simple breakfast requisites for two and the broiling of a rasher of bacon at the fire in the rusty grate but as phil has to sidle round a considerable part of the gallery for every object he wants , and never brings two objects at once , it takes time under the circumstances . at length the breakfast is ready . phil announcing it , mr . george knocks the ashes out of his pipe on the hob , stands his pipe itself in the chimney corner , and sits down to the meal . when he has helped himself , phil follows suit , sitting at the extreme end of the little oblong table and taking his plate on his knees . either in humility , or to hide his blackened hands , or because it is his natural manner of eating . the country , says mr . george , plying his knife and fork why , i suppose you never clapped your eyes on the country , phil . i see the marshes once , says phil , contentedly eating his breakfast . what marshes . the marshes , commander , returns phil . where are they . i dont know where they are , says phil but i see em , guvner . they was flat . and miste . governor and commander are interchangeable terms with phil , expressive of the same respect and deference and applicable to nobody but mr . george . i was born in the country , phil . was you indeed , commander . yes . and bred there . phil elevates his one eyebrow , and after respectfully staring at his master to express interest , swallows a great gulp of coffee , still staring at him . theres not a birds note that i dont know , says mr . george . not many an english leaf or berry that i couldnt name . not many a tree that i couldnt climb yet if i was put to it . i was a real country boy , once . my good mother lived in the country . she must have been a fine old lady , guvner , phil observes . aye . and not so old either , five and thirty years ago , says mr . george . but ill wager that at ninety she would be near as upright as me , and near as broad across the shoulders . did she die at ninety , guvner . inquires phil . no . bosh . let her rest in peace , god bless her . says the trooper . what set me on about country boys , and runaways , and good for . you , to be sure . so you never clapped your eyes upon the country  and dreams excepted . eh . phil shakes his head . do you want to see it . n no, , i dont know as i do , particular , says phil . the towns enough for you , eh . why , you see , commander , says phil , i aint acquainted with anythink else , and i doubt if i aint a getting too old to take to novelties . how old are you , phil . asks the trooper , pausing as he conveys his smoking saucer to his lips . im something with a eight in it , says phil . it cant be eighty . nor yet eighteen . its betwixt em , somewheres . mr . george , slowly putting down his saucer without tasting its contents , is laughingly beginning , why , what the deuce , phil  when he stops , seeing that phil is counting on his dirty fingers . i was just eight , says phil , agreeable to the parish calculation , when i went with the tinker . i was sent on a errand , and i see him a sittin under a old buildin with a fire all to himself wery comfortable , and he says , would you like to come along a me , my man . i says yes , and him and me and the fire goes home to clerkenwell together . that was april fool day . i was able to count up to ten and when april fool day come round again , i says to myself , now , old chap , youre one and a eight in it . april fool day after that , i says , now , old chap , youre two and a eight in it . in course of time , i come to ten and a eight in it two tens and a eight in it . when it got so high , it got the upper hand of me , but this is how i always know theres a eight in it . ah . says mr . george , resuming his breakfast . and wheres the tinker . drink put him in the hospital , guvner , and the hospital put him  a glass case, , i have heerd , phil replies mysteriously . by that means you got promotion . took the business , phil . yes , commander , i took the business . such as it was . it wasnt much of a beat  saffron hill , hatton garden , clerkenwell , smiffeld , and there  neighbourhood , where they uses up the kettles till theyre past mending . most of the tramping tinkers used to come and lodge at our place that was the best part of my masters earnings . but they didnt come to me . i warnt like him . he could sing em a good song . i couldnt . he could play em a tune on any sort of pot you please , so as it was iron or block tin . i never could do nothing with a pot but mend it or bile it  had a note of music in me . besides , i was too ill looking, , and their wives complained of me . they were mighty particular . you would pass muster in a crowd , phil . says the trooper with a pleasant smile . no , guvner , returns phil , shaking his head . no , i shouldnt . i was passable enough when i went with the tinker , though nothing to boast of then but what with blowing the fire with my mouth when i was young , and spileing my complexion , and singeing my hair off , and swallering the smoke , and what with being natrally unfortnate in the way of running against hot metal and marking myself by sich means , and what with having turn ups with the tinker as i got older , almost whenever he was too far gone in drink  was almost always  beauty was queer , wery queer , even at that time . as to since , what with a dozen years in a dark forge where the men was given to larking , and what with being scorched in a accident at a gas works, , and what with being blowed out of winder case filling at the firework business , i am ugly enough to be made a show on . resigning himself to which condition with a perfectly satisfied manner , phil begs the favour of another cup of coffee . while drinking it , he says , it was after the case filling blow up when i first see you , commander . you remember . i remember , phil . you were walking along in the sun . crawling , guvner , again a wall  true , phil  your way on  in a night cap . exclaims phil , excited . in a night cap and hobbling with a couple of sticks . cries phil , still more excited . with a couple of sticks . when  when you stops , you know , cries phil , putting down his cup and saucer and hastily removing his plate from his knees , and says to me , what , comrade . you have been in the wars . i didnt say much to you , commander , then , for i was took by surprise that a person so strong and healthy and bold as you was should stop to speak to such a limping bag of bones as i was . but you says to me , says you , delivering it out of your chest as hearty as possible , so that it was like a glass of something hot , what accident have you met with . you have been badly hurt . whats amiss , old boy . cheer up , and tell us about it . cheer up . i was cheered already . i says as much to you , says more to me , i says more to you , says more to me , and here i am , commander . here i am , commander . cries phil , who has started from his chair and unaccountably begun to sidle away . if a marks wanted , or if it will improve the business , let the customers take aim at me . they cant spoil my beauty . im all right . come on . if they want a man to box at , let em box at me . let em knock me well about the head . i dont mind . if they want a light weight to be throwed for practice , cornwall , devonshire , or lancashire , let em throw me . they wont hurt me . i have been throwed , all sorts of styles , all my life . with this unexpected speech , energetically delivered and accompanied by action illustrative of the various exercises referred to , phil squod shoulders his way round three sides of the gallery , and abruptly tacking off at his commander , makes a butt at him with his head , intended to express devotion to his service . he then begins to clear away the breakfast . mr . george , after laughing cheerfully and clapping him on the shoulder , assists in these arrangements and helps to get the gallery into business order . that done , he takes a turn at the dumb bells, , and afterwards weighing himself and opining that he is getting too fleshy , engages with great gravity in solitary broadsword practice . meanwhile phil has fallen to work at his usual table , where he screws and unscrews , and cleans , and files , and whistles into small apertures , and blackens himself more and more , and seems to do and undo everything that can be done and undone about a gun . master and man are at length disturbed by footsteps in the passage , where they make an unusual sound , denoting the arrival of unusual company . these steps , advancing nearer and nearer to the gallery , bring into it a group at first sight scarcely reconcilable with any day in the year but the fifth of november . it consists of a limp and ugly figure carried in a chair by two bearers and attended by a lean female with a face like a pinched mask , who might be expected immediately to recite the popular verses commemorative of the time when they did contrive to blow old england up alive but for her keeping her lips tightly and defiantly closed as the chair is put down . at which point the figure in it gasping , o lord . oh , dear me . i am shaken . adds , how de do , my dear friend , how de do . mr . george then descries , in the procession , the venerable mr . smallweed out for an airing , attended by his granddaughter judy as body guard . mr . george , my dear friend , says grandfather smallweed , removing his right arm from the neck of one of his bearers , whom he has nearly throttled coming along , how de do . youre surprised to see me , my dear friend . i should hardly have been more surprised to have seen your friend in the city , returns mr . george . i am very seldom out , pants mr . smallweed . i havent been out for many months . its inconvenient  it comes expensive . but i longed so much to see you , my dear mr . george . how de do , sir . i am well enough , says mr . george . i hope you are the same . you cant be too well , my dear friend . mr . smallweed takes him by both hands . i have brought my granddaughter judy . i couldnt keep her away . she longed so much to see you . hum . she bears it calmly . mutters mr . george . so we got a hackney cab, , and put a chair in it , and just round the corner they lifted me out of the cab and into the chair , and carried me here that i might see my dear friend in his own establishment . this , says grandfather smallweed , alluding to the bearer , who has been in danger of strangulation and who withdraws adjusting his windpipe , is the driver of the cab . he has nothing extra . it is by agreement included in his fare . this person , the other bearer , we engaged in the street outside for a pint of beer . which is twopence . judy , give the person twopence . i was not sure you had a workman of your own here , my dear friend , or we neednt have employed this person . grandfather smallweed refers to phil with a glance of considerable terror and a half subdued o lord . oh , dear me . nor in his apprehension , on the surface of things , without some reason , for phil , who has never beheld the apparition in the black velvet cap before , has stopped short with a gun in his hand with much of the air of a dead shot intent on picking mr . smallweed off as an ugly old bird of the crow species . judy , my child , says grandfather smallweed , give the person his twopence . its a great deal for what he has done . the person , who is one of those extraordinary specimens of human fungus that spring up spontaneously in the western streets of london , ready dressed in an old red jacket , with a mission for holding horses and calling coaches , received his twopence with anything but transport , tosses the money into the air , catches it over handed, , and retires . my dear mr . george , says grandfather smallweed , would you be so kind as help to carry me to the fire . i am accustomed to a fire , and i am an old man , and i soon chill . oh , dear me . his closing exclamation is jerked out of the venerable gentleman by the suddenness with which mr . squod , like a genie , catches him up , chair and all , and deposits him on the hearth stone . o lord . says mr . smallweed , panting . oh , dear me . oh , my stars . my dear friend , your workman is very strong  very prompt . o lord , he is very prompt . judy , draw me back a little . im being scorched in the legs , which indeed is testified to the noses of all present by the smell of his worsted stockings . the gentle judy , having backed her grandfather a little way from the fire , and having shaken him up as usual , and having released his overshadowed eye from its black velvet extinguisher , mr . smallweed again says , oh , dear me . o lord . and looking about and meeting mr . georges glance , again stretches out both hands . my dear friend . so happy in this meeting . and this is your establishment . its a delightful place . its a picture . you never find that anything goes off here accidentally , do you , my dear friend . adds grandfather smallweed , very ill at ease . no , . no fear of that . and your workman . he  , dear me . never lets anything off without meaning it , does he , my dear friend . he has never hurt anybody but himself , says mr . george , smiling . but he might , you know . he seems to have hurt himself a good deal , and he might hurt somebody else , the old gentleman returns . he mightnt mean it  he even might . mr . george , will you order him to leave his infernal fire arms alone and go away . obedient to a nod from the trooper , phil retires , empty handed, , to the other end of the gallery . mr . smallweed , reassured , falls to rubbing his legs . and youre doing well , mr . george . he says to the trooper , squarely standing faced about towards him with his broadsword in his hand . you are prospering , please the powers . mr . george answers with a cool nod , adding , go on . you have not come to say that , i know . you are so sprightly , mr . george , returns the venerable grandfather . you are such good company . ha . go on . says mr . george . my dear friend . but that sword looks awful gleaming and sharp . it might cut somebody , by accident . it makes me shiver , mr . george . curse him . says the excellent old gentleman apart to judy as the trooper takes a step or two away to lay it aside . he owes me money , and might think of paying off old scores in this murdering place . i wish your brimstone grandmother was here , and hed shave her head off . mr . george , returning , folds his arms , and looking down at the old man , sliding every moment lower and lower in his chair , says quietly , now for it . ho . cries mr . smallweed , rubbing his hands with an artful chuckle . yes . now for it . now for what , my dear friend . for a pipe , says mr . george , who with great composure sets his chair in the chimney corner, , takes his pipe from the grate , fills it and lights it , and falls to smoking peacefully . this tends to the discomfiture of mr . smallweed , who finds it so difficult to resume his object , whatever it may be , that he becomes exasperated and secretly claws the air with an impotent vindictiveness expressive of an intense desire to tear and rend the visage of mr . george . as the excellent old gentlemans nails are long and leaden , and his hands lean and veinous , and his eyes green and watery and , over and above this , as he continues , while he claws , to slide down in his chair and to collapse into a shapeless bundle , he becomes such a ghastly spectacle , even in the accustomed eyes of judy , that young virgin pounces at him with something more than the ardour of affection and so shakes him up and pats and pokes him in divers parts of his body , but particularly in that part which the science of self defence would call his wind , that in his grievous distress he utters enforced sounds like a paviours rammer . when judy has by these means set him up again in his chair , with a white face and a frosty nose she stretches out her weazen forefinger and gives mr . george one poke in the back . the trooper raising his head , she makes another poke at her esteemed grandfather , and having thus brought them together , stares rigidly at the fire . aye , . ho , . u  . chatters grandfather smallweed , swallowing his rage . my dear friend .  . i tell you what , says mr . george . if you want to converse with me , you must speak out . i am one of the roughs , and i cant go about and about . i havent the art to do it . i am not clever enough . it dont suit me . when you go winding round and round me , says the trooper , putting his pipe between his lips again , damme , if i dont feel as if i was being smothered . and he inflates his broad chest to its utmost extent as if to assure himself that he is not smothered yet . if you have come to give me a friendly call , continues mr . george , i am obliged to you how are you . if you have come to see whether theres any property on the premises , look about you are welcome . if you want to out with something , out with it . the blooming judy , without removing her gaze from the fire , gives her grandfather one ghostly poke . you see . its her opinion too . and why the devil that young woman wont sit down like a christian , says mr . george with his eyes musingly fixed on judy , i cant comprehend . she keeps at my side to attend to me , sir , says grandfather smallweed . i am an old man , my dear mr . george , and i need some attention . i can carry my years i am not a brimstone poll parrot but i need attention , my dear friend . well . returns the trooper , wheeling his chair to face the old man . now then . my friend in the city , mr . george , has done a little business with a pupil of yours . has he . says mr . george . i am sorry to hear it . yes , sir . grandfather smallweed rubs his legs . he is a fine young soldier now , mr . george , by the name of carstone . friends came forward and paid it all up , honourable . did they . returns mr . george . do you think your friend in the city would like a piece of advice . i think he would , my dear friend . from you . i advise him , then , to do no more business in that quarter . theres no more to be got by it . the young gentleman , to my knowledge , is brought to a dead halt . no , my dear friend . no , mr . george . no , sir , remonstrates grandfather smallweed , cunningly rubbing his spare legs . not quite a dead halt , i think . he has good friends , and he is good for his pay , and he is good for the selling price of his commission , and he is good for his chance in a lawsuit , and he is good for his chance in a wife , and  , do you know , mr . george , i think my friend would consider the young gentleman good for something yet . says grandfather smallweed , turning up his velvet cap and scratching his ear like a monkey . mr . george , who has put aside his pipe and sits with an arm on his chair back, , beats a tattoo on the ground with his right foot as if he were not particularly pleased with the turn the conversation has taken . but to pass from one subject to another , resumes mr . smallweed . to promote the conversation , as a joker might say . to pass , mr . george , from the ensign to the captain . what are you up to , now . asks mr . george , pausing with a frown in stroking the recollection of his moustache . what captain . our captain . the captain we know of . captain hawdon . oh . thats it , is it . says mr . george with a low whistle as he sees both grandfather and granddaughter looking hard at him . you are there . well . what about it . come , i wont be smothered any more . speak . my dear friend , returns the old man , i was applied  , shake me up a little . was applied to yesterday about the captain , and my opinion still is that the captain is not dead . bosh . observes mr . george . what was your remark , my dear friend . inquires the old man with his hand to his ear . bosh . ho . says grandfather smallweed . mr . george , of my opinion you can judge for yourself according to the questions asked of me and the reasons given for asking em . now , what do you think the lawyer making the inquiries wants . a job , says mr . george . nothing of the kind . cant be a lawyer , then , says mr . george , folding his arms with an air of confirmed resolution . my dear friend , he is a lawyer , and a famous one . he wants to see some fragment in captain hawdons writing . he dont want to keep it . he only wants to see it and compare it with a writing in his possession . well . well , mr . george . happening to remember the advertisement concerning captain hawdon and any information that could be given respecting him , he looked it up and came to me  as you did , my dear friend . will you shake hands . so glad you came that day . i should have missed forming such a friendship if you hadnt come . well , mr . smallweed . says mr . george again after going through the ceremony with some stiffness . i had no such thing . i have nothing but his signature . plague pestilence and famine , battle murder and sudden death upon him , says the old man , making a curse out of one of his few remembrances of a prayer and squeezing up his velvet cap between his angry hands , i have half a million of his signatures , i think . but you , breathlessly recovering his mildness of speech as judy re adjusts the cap on his skittle ball of a head , you , my dear mr . george , are likely to have some letter or paper that would suit the purpose . anything would suit the purpose , written in the hand . some writing in that hand , says the trooper , pondering may be , i have . my dearest friend . may be , i have not . ho . says grandfather smallweed , crest fallen . but if i had bushels of it , i would not show as much as would make a cartridge without knowing why . sir , i have told you why . my dear mr . george , i have told you why . not enough , says the trooper , shaking his head . i must know more , and approve it . then , will you come to the lawyer . my dear friend , will you come and see the gentleman . urges grandfather smallweed , pulling out a lean old silver watch with hands like the leg of a skeleton . i told him it was probable i might call upon him between ten and eleven this forenoon , and its now half after ten . will you come and see the gentleman , mr . george . hum . says he gravely . i dont mind that . though why this should concern you so much , i dont know . everything concerns me that has a chance in it of bringing anything to light about him . didnt he take us all in . didnt he owe us immense sums , all round . concern me . who can anything about him concern more than me . not , my dear friend , says grandfather smallweed , lowering his tone , that i want you to betray anything . far from it . are you ready to come , my dear friend . aye . ill come in a moment . i promise nothing , you know . no , my dear mr . george no . and you mean to say youre going to give me a lift to this place , wherever it is , without charging for it . mr . george inquires , getting his hat and thick wash leather gloves . this pleasantry so tickles mr . smallweed that he laughs , long and low , before the fire . but ever while he laughs , he glances over his paralytic shoulder at mr . george and eagerly watches him as he unlocks the padlock of a homely cupboard at the distant end of the gallery , looks here and there upon the higher shelves , and ultimately takes something out with a rustling of paper , folds it , and puts it in his breast . then judy pokes mr . smallweed once , and mr . smallweed pokes judy once . i am ready , says the trooper , coming back . phil , you can carry this old gentleman to his coach , and make nothing of him . oh , dear me . o lord . stop a moment . says mr . smallweed . hes so very prompt . are you sure you can do it carefully , my worthy man . phil makes no reply , but seizing the chair and its load , sidles away , tightly hugged by the now speechless mr . smallweed , and bolts along the passage as if he had an acceptable commission to carry the old gentleman to the nearest volcano . his shorter trust , however , terminating at the cab , he deposits him there and the fair judy takes her place beside him , and the chair embellishes the roof , and mr . george takes the vacant place upon the box . mr . george is quite confounded by the spectacle he beholds from time to time as he peeps into the cab through the window behind him , where the grim judy is always motionless , and the old gentleman with his cap over one eye is always sliding off the seat into the straw and looking upward at him out of his other eye with a helpless expression of being jolted in the back . chapter xxvii more old soldiers than one mr . george has not far to ride with folded arms upon the box , for their destination is lincolns inn fields . when the driver stops his horses , mr . george alights , and looking in at the window , says , what , mr . tulkinghorns your man , is he . yes , my dear friend . do you know him , mr . george . why , i have heard of him  too , i think . but i dont know him , and he dont know me . there ensues the carrying of mr . smallweed upstairs , which is done to perfection with the troopers help . he is borne into mr . tulkinghorns great room and deposited on the turkey rug before the fire . mr . tulkinghorn is not within at the present moment but will be back directly . the occupant of the pew in the hall , having said thus much , stirs the fire and leaves the triumvirate to warm themselves . mr . george is mightily curious in respect of the room . he looks up at the painted ceiling , looks round at the old law books, , contemplates the portraits of the great clients , reads aloud the names on the boxes . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , mr . george reads thoughtfully . ha . manor of chesney wold . humph . mr . george stands looking at these boxes a long while  if they were pictures  comes back to the fire repeating , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , and manor of chesney wold , hey . worth a mint of money , mr . george . whispers grandfather smallweed , rubbing his legs . powerfully rich . who do you mean . this old gentleman , or the baronet . this gentleman , this gentleman . so i have heard and knows a thing or two , ill hold a wager . not bad quarters , either , says mr . george , looking round again . see the strong box yonder . this reply is cut short by mr . tulkinghorns arrival . there is no change in him , of course . rustily drest , with his spectacles in his hand , and their very case worn threadbare . in manner , close and dry . in voice , husky and low . in face , watchful behind a blind habitually not uncensorious and contemptuous perhaps . the peerage may have warmer worshippers and faithfuller believers than mr . tulkinghorn , after all , if everything were known . good morning , mr . smallweed , good morning . he says as he comes in . you have brought the sergeant , i see . sit down , sergeant . as mr . tulkinghorn takes off his gloves and puts them in his hat , he looks with half closed eyes across the room to where the trooper stands and says within himself perchance , youll do , my friend . sit down , sergeant , he repeats as he comes to his table , which is set on one side of the fire , and takes his easy chair . cold and raw this morning , cold and raw . mr . tulkinghorn warms before the bars , alternately , the palms and knuckles of his hands and looks from behind that blind which is always down at the trio sitting in a little semicircle before him . now , i can feel what i am about mr . smallweed . the old gentleman is newly shaken up by judy to bear his part in the conversation . you have brought our good friend the sergeant , i see . yes , sir , returns mr . smallweed , very servile to the lawyers wealth and influence . and what does the sergeant say about this business . mr . george , says grandfather smallweed with a tremulous wave of his shrivelled hand , this is the gentleman , sir . mr . george salutes the gentleman but otherwise sits bolt upright and profoundly silent  forward in his chair , as if the full complement of regulation appendages for a field day hung about him . mr . tulkinghorn proceeds , well , george  believe your name is george . it is so , sir . what do you say , george . i ask your pardon , sir , returns the trooper , but i should wish to know what you say . do you mean in point of reward . i mean in point of everything , sir . this is so very trying to mr . smallweeds temper that he suddenly breaks out with youre a brimstone beast . and as suddenly asks pardon of mr . tulkinghorn , excusing himself for this slip of the tongue by saying to judy , i was thinking of your grandmother , my dear . i supposed , sergeant , mr . tulkinghorn resumes as he leans on one side of his chair and crosses his legs , that mr . smallweed might have sufficiently explained the matter . it lies in the smallest compass , however . you served under captain hawdon at one time , and were his attendant in illness , and rendered him many little services , and were rather in his confidence , i am told . that is so , is it not . yes , sir , that is so , says mr . george with military brevity . therefore you may happen to have in your possession something  , no matter what accounts , instructions , orders , a letter , anything  captain hawdons writing . i wish to compare his writing with some that i have . if you can give me the opportunity , you shall be rewarded for your trouble . three , four , five , guineas , you would consider handsome , i dare say . noble , my dear friend . cries grandfather smallweed , screwing up his eyes . if not , say how much more , in your conscience as a soldier , you can demand . there is no need for you to part with the writing , against your inclination  i should prefer to have it . mr . george sits squared in exactly the same attitude , looks at the painted ceiling , and says never a word . the irascible mr . smallweed scratches the air . the question is , says mr . tulkinghorn in his methodical , subdued , uninterested way , first , whether you have any of captain hawdons writing . first , whether i have any of captain hawdons writing , sir , repeats mr . george . secondly , what will satisfy you for the trouble of producing it . secondly , what will satisfy me for the trouble of producing it , sir , repeats mr . george . thirdly , you can judge for yourself whether it is at all like that , says mr . tulkinghorn , suddenly handing him some sheets of written paper tied together . whether it is at all like that , sir . just so , repeats mr . george . all three repetitions mr . george pronounces in a mechanical manner , looking straight at mr . tulkinghorn nor does he so much as glance at the affidavit in jarndyce and jarndyce , that has been given to him for his inspection but continues to look at the lawyer with an air of troubled meditation . well . says mr . tulkinghorn . what do you say . well , sir , replies mr . george , rising erect and looking immense , i would rather , if youll excuse me , have nothing to do with this . mr . tulkinghorn , outwardly quite undisturbed , demands , why not . why , sir , returns the trooper . except on military compulsion , i am not a man of business . among civilians i am what they call in scotland a neer do . i have no head for papers , sir . i can stand any fire better than a fire of cross questions . i mentioned to mr . smallweed , only an hour or so ago , that when i come into things of this kind i feel as if i was being smothered . and that is my sensation , says mr . george , looking round upon the company , at the present moment . with that , he takes three strides forward to replace the papers on the lawyers table and three strides backward to resume his former station , where he stands perfectly upright , now looking at the ground and now at the painted ceiling , with his hands behind him as if to prevent himself from accepting any other document whatever . under this provocation , mr . smallweeds favourite adjective of disparagement is so close to his tongue that he begins the words my dear friend with the monosyllable brim , thus converting the possessive pronoun into brimmy and appearing to have an impediment in his speech . once past this difficulty , however , he exhorts his dear friend in the tenderest manner not to be rash , but to do what so eminent a gentleman requires , and to do it with a good grace , confident that it must be unobjectionable as well as profitable . mr . tulkinghorn merely utters an occasional sentence , as , you are the best judge of your own interest , sergeant . take care you do no harm by this . please yourself , please yourself . if you know what you mean , thats quite enough . these he utters with an appearance of perfect indifference as he looks over the papers on his table and prepares to write a letter . mr . george looks distrustfully from the painted ceiling to the ground , from the ground to mr . smallweed , from mr . smallweed to mr . tulkinghorn , and from mr . tulkinghorn to the painted ceiling again , often in his perplexity changing the leg on which he rests . i do assure you , sir , says mr . george , not to say it offensively , that between you and mr . smallweed here , i really am being smothered fifty times over . i really am , sir . i am not a match for you gentlemen . will you allow me to ask why you want to see the captains hand , in the case that i could find any specimen of it . mr . tulkinghorn quietly shakes his head . no . if you were a man of business , sergeant , you would not need to be informed that there are confidential reasons , very harmless in themselves , for many such wants in the profession to which i belong . but if you are afraid of doing any injury to captain hawdon , you may set your mind at rest about that . aye . he is dead , sir . is he . mr . tulkinghorn quietly sits down to write . well , sir , says the trooper , looking into his hat after another disconcerted pause , i am sorry not to have given you more satisfaction . if it would be any satisfaction to any one that i should be confirmed in my judgment that i would rather have nothing to do with this by a friend of mine who has a better head for business than i have , and who is an old soldier , i am willing to consult with him . i  really am so completely smothered myself at present , says mr . george , passing his hand hopelessly across his brow , that i dont know but what it might be a satisfaction to me . mr . smallweed , hearing that this authority is an old soldier , so strongly inculcates the expediency of the troopers taking counsel with him , and particularly informing him of its being a question of five guineas or more , that mr . george engages to go and see him . mr . tulkinghorn says nothing either way . ill consult my friend , then , by your leave , sir , says the trooper , and ill take the liberty of looking in again with the final answer in the course of the day . mr . smallweed , if you wish to be carried downstairs  in a moment , my dear friend , in a moment . will you first let me speak half a word with this gentleman in private . certainly , sir . dont hurry yourself on my account . the trooper retires to a distant part of the room and resumes his curious inspection of the boxes , strong and otherwise . if i wasnt as weak as a brimstone baby , sir , whispers grandfather smallweed , drawing the lawyer down to his level by the lapel of his coat and flashing some half quenched green fire out of his angry eyes , id tear the writing away from him . hes got it buttoned in his breast . i saw him put it there . judy saw him put it there . speak up , you crabbed image for the sign of a walking stick shop , and say you saw him put it there . this vehement conjuration the old gentleman accompanies with such a thrust at his granddaughter that it is too much for his strength , and he slips away out of his chair , drawing mr . tulkinghorn with him , until he is arrested by judy , and well shaken . violence will not do for me , my friend , mr . tulkinghorn then remarks coolly . no , i know , i know , sir . but its chafing and galling  worse than your smattering chattering magpie of a grandmother , to the imperturbable judy , who only looks at the fire , to know he has got whats wanted and wont give it up . he , not to give it up . he . a vagabond . but never mind , sir , never mind . at the most , he has only his own way for a little while . i have him periodically in a vice . ill twist him , sir . ill screw him , sir . if he wont do it with a good grace , ill make him do it with a bad one , sir . now , my dear mr . george , says grandfather smallweed , winking at the lawyer hideously as he releases him , i am ready for your kind assistance , my excellent friend . mr . tulkinghorn , with some shadowy sign of amusement manifesting itself through his self possession, , stands on the hearth rug with his back to the fire , watching the disappearance of mr . smallweed and acknowledging the troopers parting salute with one slight nod . it is more difficult to get rid of the old gentleman , mr . george finds , than to bear a hand in carrying him downstairs , for when he is replaced in his conveyance , he is so loquacious on the subject of the guineas and retains such an affectionate hold of his button  , in truth , a secret longing to rip his coat open and rob him  some degree of force is necessary on the troopers part to effect a separation . it is accomplished at last , and he proceeds alone in quest of his adviser . by the cloisterly temple , and by whitefriars there , not without a glance at hanging sword alley , which would seem to be something in his way , and by blackfriars bridge , and blackfriars road , mr . george sedately marches to a street of little shops lying somewhere in that ganglion of roads from kent and surrey , and of streets from the bridges of london , centring in the far famed elephant who has lost his castle formed of a thousand four horse coaches to a stronger iron monster than he , ready to chop him into mince meat any day he dares . to one of the little shops in this street , which is a musicians shop , having a few fiddles in the window , and some pans pipes and a tambourine , and a triangle , and certain elongated scraps of music , mr . george directs his massive tread . and halting at a few paces from it , as he sees a soldierly looking woman , with her outer skirts tucked up , come forth with a small wooden tub , and in that tub commence a whisking and a splashing on the margin of the pavement , mr . george says to himself , shes as usual , washing greens . i never saw her , except upon a baggage waggon, , when she wasnt washing greens . the subject of this reflection is at all events so occupied in washing greens at present that she remains unsuspicious of mr . georges approach until , lifting up herself and her tub together when she has poured the water off into the gutter , she finds him standing near her . her reception of him is not flattering . george , i never see you but i wish you was a hundred mile away . the trooper , without remarking on this welcome , follows into the musical instrument shop , where the lady places her tub of greens upon the counter , and having shaken hands with him , rests her arms upon it . i never , she says , george , consider matthew bagnet safe a minute when youre near him . you are that restless and that roving  yes . i know i am , mrs . bagnet . i know i am . you know you are . says mrs . bagnet . whats the use of that . why are you . the nature of the animal , i suppose , returns the trooper good humouredly . ah . cries mrs . bagnet , something shrilly . but what satisfaction will the nature of the animal be to me when the animal shall have tempted my mat away from the musical business to new zealand or australey . mrs . bagnet is not at all an ill looking woman . rather large boned, , a little coarse in the grain , and freckled by the sun and wind which have tanned her hair upon the forehead , but healthy , wholesome , and bright eyed . a strong , busy , active , honest faced woman of from forty five to fifty . clean , hardy , and so economically dressed that the only article of ornament of which she stands possessed appears to be her wedding ring, , around which her finger has grown to be so large since it was put on that it will never come off again until it shall mingle with mrs . bagnets dust . mrs . bagnet , says the trooper , i am on my parole with you . mat will get no harm from me . you may trust me so far . well , i think i may . but the very looks of you are unsettling , mrs . bagnet rejoins . ah , george , . if you had only settled down and married joe pouchs widow when he died in north america , shed have combed your hair for you . it was a chance for me , certainly , returns the trooper half laughingly , half seriously , but i shall never settle down into a respectable man now . joe pouchs widow might have done me good  was something in her , and something of her  i couldnt make up my mind to it . if i had the luck to meet with such a wife as mat found . mrs . bagnet , who seems in a virtuous way to be under little reserve with a good sort of fellow , but to be another good sort of fellow herself for that matter , receives this compliment by flicking mr . george in the face with a head of greens and taking her tub into the little room behind the shop . why , quebec , my poppet , says george , following , on invitation , into that department . and little malta , too . come and kiss your bluffy . these young ladies  supposed to have been actually christened by the names applied to them , though always so called in the family from the places of their birth in barracks  respectively employed on three legged stools , the younger in learning her letters out of a penny primer , the elder eight or nine perhaps in teaching her and sewing with great assiduity . both hail mr . george with acclamations as an old friend and after some kissing and romping plant their stools beside him . and hows young woolwich . says mr . george . ah . there now . cries mrs . bagnet , turning about from her saucepans with a bright flush on her face . would you believe it . got an engagement at the theayter , with his father , to play the fife in a military piece . well done , my godson . cries mr . george , slapping his thigh . i believe you . says mrs . bagnet . hes a briton . thats what woolwich is . a briton . and mat blows away at his bassoon , and youre respectable civilians one and all , says mr . george . family people . children growing up . mats old mother in scotland , and your old father somewhere else , corresponded with , and helped a little , and  , well . to be sure , i dont know why i shouldnt be wished a hundred mile away , for i have not much to do with all this . mr . george is becoming thoughtful , sitting before the fire in the whitewashed room , which has a sanded floor and a barrack smell and contains nothing superfluous and has not a visible speck of dirt or dust in it , from the faces of quebec and malta to the bright tin pots and pannikins upon the dresser shelves  . george is becoming thoughtful , sitting here while mrs . bagnet is busy , when mr . bagnet and young woolwich opportunely come home . mr . bagnet is an ex artilleryman, , tall and upright , with shaggy eyebrows and whiskers like the fibres of a coco nut, , not a hair upon his head , and a torrid complexion . his voice , short , deep , and resonant , is not at all unlike the tones of the instrument to which he is devoted . indeed there may be generally observed in him an unbending , unyielding , brass bound air , as if he were himself the bassoon of the human orchestra . young woolwich is the type and model of a young drummer . both father and son salute the trooper heartily . he saying , in due season , that he has come to advise with mr . bagnet , mr . bagnet hospitably declares that he will hear of no business until after dinner and that his friend shall not partake of his counsel without first partaking of boiled pork and greens . the trooper yielding to this invitation , he and mr . bagnet , not to embarrass the domestic preparations , go forth to take a turn up and down the little street , which they promenade with measured tread and folded arms , as if it were a rampart . george , says mr . bagnet . you know me . its my old girl that advises . she has the head . but i never own to it before her . discipline must be maintained . wait till the greens is off her mind . then well consult . whatever the old girl says , do  it . i intend to , mat , replies the other . i would sooner take her opinion than that of a college . college , returns mr . bagnet in short sentences , bassoon like . what college could you leave  another quarter of the world  nothing but a grey cloak and an umbrella  make its way home to europe . the old girl would do it to morrow . did it once . you are right , says mr . george . what college , pursues bagnet , could you set up in life  two pennorth of white lime  pennorth of fullers earth  haporth of sand  the rest of the change out of sixpence in money . thats what the old girl started on . in the present business . i am rejoiced to hear its thriving , mat . the old girl , says mr . bagnet , acquiescing , saves . has a stocking somewhere . with money in it . i never saw it . but i know shes got it . wait till the greens is off her mind . then shell set you up . she is a treasure . exclaims mr . george . shes more . but i never own to it before her . discipline must be maintained . it was the old girl that brought out my musical abilities . i should have been in the artillery now but for the old girl . six years i hammered at the fiddle . ten at the flute . the old girl said it wouldnt do intention good , but want of flexibility try the bassoon . the old girl borrowed a bassoon from the bandmaster of the rifle regiment . i practised in the trenches . got on , got another , get a living by it . george remarks that she looks as fresh as a rose and as sound as an apple . the old girl , says mr . bagnet in reply , is a thoroughly fine woman . consequently she is like a thoroughly fine day . gets finer as she gets on . i never saw the old girls equal . but i never own to it before her . discipline must be maintained . proceeding to converse on indifferent matters , they walk up and down the little street , keeping step and time , until summoned by quebec and malta to do justice to the pork and greens , over which mrs . bagnet , like a military chaplain , says a short grace . in the distribution of these comestibles , as in every other household duty , mrs . bagnet developes an exact system , sitting with every dish before her , allotting to every portion of pork its own portion of pot liquor, , greens , potatoes , and even mustard , and serving it out complete . having likewise served out the beer from a can and thus supplied the mess with all things necessary , mrs . bagnet proceeds to satisfy her own hunger , which is in a healthy state . the kit of the mess , if the table furniture may be so denominated , is chiefly composed of utensils of horn and tin that have done duty in several parts of the world . young woolwichs knife , in particular , which is of the oyster kind , with the additional feature of a strong shutting up movement which frequently balks the appetite of that young musician , is mentioned as having gone in various hands the complete round of foreign service . the dinner done , mrs . bagnet , assisted by the younger branches who polish their own cups and platters , knives and forks , makes all the dinner garniture shine as brightly as before and puts it all away , first sweeping the hearth , to the end that mr . bagnet and the visitor may not be retarded in the smoking of their pipes . these household cares involve much pattening and counter pattening in the backyard and considerable use of a pail , which is finally so happy as to assist in the ablutions of mrs . bagnet herself . that old girl reappearing by and by , quite fresh , and sitting down to her needlework , then and only then  greens being only then to be considered as entirely off her mind  . bagnet requests the trooper to state his case . this mr . george does with great discretion , appearing to address himself to mr . bagnet , but having an eye solely on the old girl all the time , as bagnet has himself . she , equally discreet , busies herself with her needlework . the case fully stated , mr . bagnet resorts to his standard artifice for the maintenance of discipline . thats the whole of it , is it , george . says he . thats the whole of it . you act according to my opinion . i shall be guided , replies george , entirely by it . old girl , says mr . bagnet , give him my opinion . you know it . tell him what it is . it is that he cannot have too little to do with people who are too deep for him and cannot be too careful of interference with matters he does not understand  the plain rule is to do nothing in the dark , to be a party to nothing underhanded or mysterious , and never to put his foot where he cannot see the ground . this , in effect , is mr . bagnets opinion , as delivered through the old girl , and it so relieves mr . georges mind by confirming his own opinion and banishing his doubts that he composes himself to smoke another pipe on that exceptional occasion and to have a talk over old times with the whole bagnet family , according to their various ranges of experience . through these means it comes to pass that mr . george does not again rise to his full height in that parlour until the time is drawing on when the bassoon and fife are expected by a british public at the theatre and as it takes time even then for mr . george , in his domestic character of bluffy , to take leave of quebec and malta and insinuate a sponsorial shilling into the pocket of his godson with felicitations on his success in life , it is dark when mr . george again turns his face towards lincolns inn fields . a family home , he ruminates as he marches along , however small it is , makes a man like me look lonely . but its well i never made that evolution of matrimony . i shouldnt have been fit for it . i am such a vagabond still , even at my present time of life , that i couldnt hold to the gallery a month together if it was a regular pursuit or if i didnt camp there , gipsy fashion . come . i disgrace nobody and cumber nobody thats something . i have not done that for many a long year . so he whistles it off and marches on . arrived in lincolns inn fields and mounting mr . tulkinghorns stair , he finds the outer door closed and the chambers shut , but the trooper not knowing much about outer doors , and the staircase being dark besides , he is yet fumbling and groping about , hoping to discover a bell handle or to open the door for himself , when mr . tulkinghorn comes up the stairs and angrily asks , who is that . what are you doing there . i ask your pardon , sir . its george . the sergeant . and couldnt george , the sergeant , see that my door was locked . why , no , sir , i couldnt . at any rate , i didnt , says the trooper , rather nettled . have you changed your mind . or are you in the same mind . mr . tulkinghorn demands . but he knows well enough at a glance . in the same mind , sir . i thought so . thats sufficient . you can go . so you are the man , says mr . tulkinghorn , opening his door with the key , in whose hiding place mr . gridley was found . yes , i am the man , says the trooper , stopping two or three stairs down . what then , sir . what then . i dont like your associates . you should not have seen the inside of my door this morning if i had thought of your being that man . gridley . a threatening , murderous , dangerous fellow . with these words , spoken in an unusually high tone for him , the lawyer goes into his rooms and shuts the door with a thundering noise . mr . george takes his dismissal in great dudgeon , the greater because a clerk coming up the stairs has heard the last words of all and evidently applies them to him . a pretty character to bear , the trooper growls with a hasty oath as he strides downstairs . a threatening , murderous , dangerous fellow . and looking up , he sees the clerk looking down at him and marking him as he passes a lamp . this so intensifies his dudgeon that for five minutes he is in an ill humour . but he whistles that off like the rest of it and marches home to the shooting gallery . chapter xxviii the ironmaster sir leicester dedlock has got the better , for the time being , of the family gout and is once more , in a literal no less than in a figurative point of view , upon his legs . he is at his place in lincolnshire but the waters are out again on the low lying grounds , and the cold and damp steal into chesney wold , though well defended , and eke into sir leicesters bones . the blazing fires of faggot and coal  timber and antediluvian forest  blaze upon the broad wide hearths and wink in the twilight on the frowning woods , sullen to see how trees are sacrificed , do not exclude the enemy . the hot water pipes that trail themselves all over the house , the cushioned doors and windows , and the screens and curtains fail to supply the fires deficiencies and to satisfy sir leicesters need . hence the fashionable intelligence proclaims one morning to the listening earth that lady dedlock is expected shortly to return to town for a few weeks . it is a melancholy truth that even great men have their poor relations . indeed great men have often more than their fair share of poor relations , inasmuch as very red blood of the superior quality , like inferior blood unlawfully shed , will cry aloud and will be heard . sir leicesters cousins , in the remotest degree , are so many murders in the respect that they will out . among whom there are cousins who are so poor that one might almost dare to think it would have been the happier for them never to have been plated links upon the dedlock chain of gold , but to have been made of common iron at first and done base service . service , however with a few limited reservations , genteel but not profitable , they may not do , being of the dedlock dignity . so they visit their richer cousins , and get into debt when they can , and live but shabbily when they cant , and find  women no husbands , and the men no wives  ride in borrowed carriages , and sit at feasts that are never of their own making , and so go through high life . the rich family sum has been divided by so many figures , and they are the something over that nobody knows what to do with . everybody on sir leicester dedlocks side of the question and of his way of thinking would appear to be his cousin more or less . from my lord boodle , through the duke of foodle , down to noodle , sir leicester , like a glorious spider , stretches his threads of relationship . but while he is stately in the cousinship of the everybodys , he is a kind and generous man , according to his dignified way , in the cousinship of the nobodys and at the present time , in despite of the damp , he stays out the visit of several such cousins at chesney wold with the constancy of a martyr . of these , foremost in the front rank stands volumnia dedlock , a young lady who is doubly highly related , having the honour to be a poor relation , by the mothers side , to another great family . miss volumnia , displaying in early life a pretty talent for cutting ornaments out of coloured paper , and also for singing to the guitar in the spanish tongue , and propounding french conundrums in country houses , passed the twenty years of her existence between twenty and forty in a sufficiently agreeable manner . lapsing then out of date and being considered to bore mankind by her vocal performances in the spanish language , she retired to bath , where she lives slenderly on an annual present from sir leicester and whence she makes occasional resurrections in the country houses of her cousins . she has an extensive acquaintance at bath among appalling old gentlemen with thin legs and nankeen trousers , and is of high standing in that dreary city . but she is a little dreaded elsewhere in consequence of an indiscreet profusion in the article of rouge and persistency in an obsolete pearl necklace like a rosary of little birds eggs . in any country in a wholesome state , volumnia would be a clear case for the pension list . efforts have been made to get her on it , and when william buffy came in , it was fully expected that her name would be put down for a couple of hundred a year . but william buffy somehow discovered , contrary to all expectation , that these were not the times when it could be done , and this was the first clear indication sir leicester dedlock had conveyed to him that the country was going to pieces . there is likewise the honourable bob stables , who can make warm mashes with the skill of a veterinary surgeon and is a better shot than most gamekeepers . he has been for some time particularly desirous to serve his country in a post of good emoluments , unaccompanied by any trouble or responsibility . in a well regulated body politic this natural desire on the part of a spirited young gentleman so highly connected would be speedily recognized , but somehow william buffy found when he came in that these were not times in which he could manage that little matter either , and this was the second indication sir leicester dedlock had conveyed to him that the country was going to pieces . the rest of the cousins are ladies and gentlemen of various ages and capacities , the major part amiable and sensible and likely to have done well enough in life if they could have overcome their cousinship as it is , they are almost all a little worsted by it , and lounge in purposeless and listless paths , and seem to be quite as much at a loss how to dispose of themselves as anybody else can be how to dispose of them . in this society , and where not , my lady dedlock reigns supreme . beautiful , elegant , accomplished , and powerful in her little world for the world of fashion does not stretch all the way from pole to pole , her influence in sir leicesters house , however haughty and indifferent her manner , is greatly to improve it and refine it . the cousins , even those older cousins who were paralysed when sir leicester married her , do her feudal homage and the honourable bob stables daily repeats to some chosen person between breakfast and lunch his favourite original remark , that she is the best groomed woman in the whole stud . such the guests in the long drawing room at chesney wold this dismal night when the step on the ghosts walk might be the step of a deceased cousin shut out in the cold . it is near bed time . bedroom fires blaze brightly all over the house , raising ghosts of grim furniture on wall and ceiling . bedroom candlesticks bristle on the distant table by the door , and cousins yawn on ottomans . cousins at the piano , cousins at the soda water tray , cousins rising from the card table, , cousins gathered round the fire . standing on one side of his own peculiar fire for there are two , sir leicester . on the opposite side of the broad hearth , my lady at her table . volumnia , as one of the more privileged cousins , in a luxurious chair between them . sir leicester glancing , with magnificent displeasure , at the rouge and the pearl necklace . i occasionally meet on my staircase here , drawls volumnia , whose thoughts perhaps are already hopping up it to bed , after a long evening of very desultory talk , one of the prettiest girls , i think , that i ever saw in my life . a protegee of my ladys , observes sir leicester . i thought so . i felt sure that some uncommon eye must have picked that girl out . she really is a marvel . a dolly sort of beauty perhaps , says miss volumnia , reserving her own sort , but in its way , perfect such bloom i never saw . sir leicester , with his magnificent glance of displeasure at the rouge , appears to say so too . indeed , remarks my lady languidly , if there is any uncommon eye in the case , it is mrs . rouncewells , and not mine . rosa is her discovery . your maid , i suppose . no . my anything pet  dont know what . you like to have her about you , as you would like to have a flower , or a bird , or a picture , or a poodle  , not a poodle , though  anything else that was equally pretty . says volumnia , sympathizing . yes , how charming now . and how well that delightful old soul mrs . rouncewell is looking . she must be an immense age , and yet she is as active and handsome . she is the dearest friend i have , positively . sir leicester feels it to be right and fitting that the housekeeper of chesney wold should be a remarkable person . apart from that , he has a real regard for mrs . rouncewell and likes to hear her praised . so he says , you are right , volumnia , which volumnia is extremely glad to hear . she has no daughter of her own , has she . mrs . rouncewell . no , volumnia . she has a son . indeed , she had two . my lady , whose chronic malady of boredom has been sadly aggravated by volumnia this evening , glances wearily towards the candlesticks and heaves a noiseless sigh . and it is a remarkable example of the confusion into which the present age has fallen of the obliteration of landmarks , the opening of floodgates , and the uprooting of distinctions , says sir leicester with stately gloom , that i have been informed by mr . tulkinghorn that mrs . rouncewells son has been invited to go into parliament . miss volumnia utters a little sharp scream . yes , indeed , repeats sir leicester . into parliament . i never heard of such a thing . good gracious , what is the man . exclaims volumnia . he is called , i believe  . sir leicester says it slowly and with gravity and doubt , as not being sure but that he is called a lead mistress or that the right word may be some other word expressive of some other relationship to some other metal . volumnia utters another little scream . he has declined the proposal , if my information from mr . tulkinghorn be correct , as i have no doubt it is . mr . tulkinghorn being always correct and exact still that does not , says sir leicester , that does not lessen the anomaly , which is fraught with strange considerations  as it appears to me . miss volumnia rising with a look candlestick wards, , sir leicester politely performs the grand tour of the drawing room, , brings one , and lights it at my ladys shaded lamp . i must beg you , my lady , he says while doing so , to remain a few moments , for this individual of whom i speak arrived this evening shortly before dinner and requested in a very becoming note  leicester , with his habitual regard to truth , dwells upon it  am bound to say , in a very becoming and well expressed note , the favour of a short interview with yourself and myself on the subject of this young girl . as it appeared that he wished to depart to night, , i replied that we would see him before retiring . miss volumnia with a third little scream takes flight , wishing her hosts  lud . rid of the  is it .  . the other cousins soon disperse , to the last cousin there . sir leicester rings the bell , make my compliments to mr . rouncewell , in the housekeepers apartments , and say i can receive him now . my lady , who has heard all this with slight attention outwardly , looks towards mr . rouncewell as he comes in . he is a little over fifty perhaps , of a good figure , like his mother , and has a clear voice , a broad forehead from which his dark hair has retired , and a shrewd though open face . he is a responsible looking gentleman dressed in black , portly enough , but strong and active . has a perfectly natural and easy air and is not in the least embarrassed by the great presence into which he comes . sir leicester and lady dedlock , as i have already apologized for intruding on you , i cannot do better than be very brief . i thank you , sir leicester . the head of the dedlocks has motioned towards a sofa between himself and my lady . mr . rouncewell quietly takes his seat there . in these busy times , when so many great undertakings are in progress , people like myself have so many workmen in so many places that we are always on the flight . sir leicester is content enough that the ironmaster should feel that there is no hurry there in that ancient house , rooted in that quiet park , where the ivy and the moss have had time to mature , and the gnarled and warted elms and the umbrageous oaks stand deep in the fern and leaves of a hundred years and where the sun dial on the terrace has dumbly recorded for centuries that time which was as much the property of every dedlock  he lasted  the house and lands . sir leicester sits down in an easy chair, , opposing his repose and that of chesney wold to the restless flights of ironmasters . lady dedlock has been so kind , proceeds mr . rouncewell with a respectful glance and a bow that way , as to place near her a young beauty of the name of rosa . now , my son has fallen in love with rosa and has asked my consent to his proposing marriage to her and to their becoming engaged if she will take him  i suppose she will . i have never seen rosa until to day, , but i have some confidence in my sons good sense  in love . i find her what he represents her , to the best of my judgment and my mother speaks of her with great commendation . she in all respects deserves it , says my lady . i am happy , lady dedlock , that you say so , and i need not comment on the value to me of your kind opinion of her . that , observes sir leicester with unspeakable grandeur , for he thinks the ironmaster a little too glib , must be quite unnecessary . quite unnecessary , sir leicester . now , my son is a very young man , and rosa is a very young woman . as i made my way , so my son must make his and his being married at present is out of the question . but supposing i gave my consent to his engaging himself to this pretty girl , if this pretty girl will engage herself to him , i think it a piece of candour to say at once  am sure , sir leicester and lady dedlock , you will understand and excuse me  should make it a condition that she did not remain at chesney wold . therefore , before communicating further with my son , i take the liberty of saying that if her removal would be in any way inconvenient or objectionable , i will hold the matter over with him for any reasonable time and leave it precisely where it is . not remain at chesney wold . make it a condition . all sir leicesters old misgivings relative to wat tyler and the people in the iron districts who do nothing but turn out by torchlight come in a shower upon his head , the fine grey hair of which , as well as of his whiskers , actually stirs with indignation . am i to understand , sir , says sir leicester , and is my lady to understand  brings her in thus specially , first as a point of gallantry , and next as a point of prudence , having great reliance on her sense  i to understand , mr . rouncewell , and is my lady to understand , sir , that you consider this young woman too good for chesney wold or likely to be injured by remaining here . certainly not , sir leicester , i am glad to hear it . sir leicester very lofty indeed . pray , mr . rouncewell , says my lady , warning sir leicester off with the slightest gesture of her pretty hand , as if he were a fly , explain to me what you mean . willingly , lady dedlock . there is nothing i could desire more . addressing her composed face , whose intelligence , however , is too quick and active to be concealed by any studied impassiveness , however habitual , to the strong saxon face of the visitor , a picture of resolution and perseverance , my lady listens with attention , occasionally slightly bending her head . i am the son of your housekeeper , lady dedlock , and passed my childhood about this house . my mother has lived here half a century and will die here i have no doubt . she is one of those examples  as good a one as there is  love , and attachment , and fidelity in such a nation , which england may well be proud of , but of which no order can appropriate the whole pride or the whole merit , because such an instance bespeaks high worth on two sides  the great side assuredly , on the small one no less assuredly . sir leicester snorts a little to hear the law laid down in this way , but in his honour and his love of truth , he freely , though silently , admits the justice of the ironmasters proposition . pardon me for saying what is so obvious , but i wouldnt have it hastily supposed , with the least turn of his eyes towards sir leicester , that i am ashamed of my mothers position here , or wanting in all just respect for chesney wold and the family . i certainly may have desired  certainly have desired , lady dedlock  my mother should retire after so many years and end her days with me . but as i have found that to sever this strong bond would be to break her heart , i have long abandoned that idea . sir leicester very magnificent again at the notion of mrs . rouncewell being spirited off from her natural home to end her days with an ironmaster . i have been , proceeds the visitor in a modest , clear way , an apprentice and a workman . i have lived on workmans wages , years and years , and beyond a certain point have had to educate myself . my wife was a foremans daughter , and plainly brought up . we have three daughters besides this son of whom i have spoken , and being fortunately able to give them greater advantages than we have had ourselves , we have educated them well , very well . it has been one of our great cares and pleasures to make them worthy of any station . a little boastfulness in his fatherly tone here , as if he added in his heart , even of the chesney wold station . not a little more magnificence , therefore , on the part of sir leicester . all this is so frequent , lady dedlock , where i live , and among the class to which i belong , that what would be generally called unequal marriages are not of such rare occurrence with us as elsewhere . a son will sometimes make it known to his father that he has fallen in love , say , with a young woman in the factory . the father , who once worked in a factory himself , will be a little disappointed at first very possibly . it may be that he had other views for his son . however , the chances are that having ascertained the young woman to be of unblemished character , he will say to his son , i must be quite sure you are in earnest here . this is a serious matter for both of you . therefore i shall have this girl educated for two years , or it may be , i shall place this girl at the same school with your sisters for such a time , during which you will give me your word and honour to see her only so often . if at the expiration of that time , when she has so far profited by her advantages as that you may be upon a fair equality , you are both in the same mind , i will do my part to make you happy . i know of several cases such as i describe , my lady , and i think they indicate to me my own course now . sir leicesters magnificence explodes . calmly , but terribly . mr . rouncewell , says sir leicester with his right hand in the breast of his blue coat , the attitude of state in which he is painted in the gallery , do you draw a parallel between chesney wold and a  here he resists a disposition to choke , a factory . i need not reply , sir leicester , that the two places are very different but for the purposes of this case , i think a parallel may be justly drawn between them . sir leicester directs his majestic glance down one side of the long drawing room and up the other before he can believe that he is awake . are you aware , sir , that this young woman whom my lady  placed near her person was brought up at the village school outside the gates . sir leicester , i am quite aware of it . a very good school it is , and handsomely supported by this family . then , mr . rouncewell , returns sir leicester , the application of what you have said is , to me , incomprehensible . will it be more comprehensible , sir leicester , if i say , the ironmaster is reddening a little , that i do not regard the village school as teaching everything desirable to be known by my sons wife . from the village school of chesney wold , intact as it is this minute , to the whole framework of society from the whole framework of society , to the aforesaid framework receiving tremendous cracks in consequence of people not minding their catechism , and getting out of the station unto which they are called  and for ever , according to sir leicesters rapid logic , the first station in which they happen to find themselves and from that , to their educating other people out of their stations , and so obliterating the landmarks , and opening the floodgates , and all the rest of it this is the swift progress of the dedlock mind . my lady , i beg your pardon . permit me , for one moment . she has given a faint indication of intending to speak . mr . rouncewell , our views of duty , and our views of station , and our views of education , and our views of  short , all our views  so diametrically opposed , that to prolong this discussion must be repellent to your feelings and repellent to my own . this young woman is honoured with my ladys notice and favour . if she wishes to withdraw herself from that notice and favour or if she chooses to place herself under the influence of any one who may in his peculiar opinions  will allow me to say , in his peculiar opinions , though i readily admit that he is not accountable for them to me  may , in his peculiar opinions , withdraw her from that notice and favour , she is at any time at liberty to do so . we are obliged to you for the plainness with which you have spoken . it will have no effect of itself , one way or other , on the young womans position here . beyond this , we can make no terms and here we beg  you will be so good  leave the subject . the visitor pauses a moment to give my lady an opportunity , but she says nothing . he then rises and replies , sir leicester and lady dedlock , allow me to thank you for your attention and only to observe that i shall very seriously recommend my son to conquer his present inclinations . good night . mr . rouncewell , says sir leicester with all the nature of a gentleman shining in him , it is late , and the roads are dark . i hope your time is not so precious but that you will allow my lady and myself to offer you the hospitality of chesney wold , for to night at least . i hope so , adds my lady . i am much obliged to you , but i have to travel all night in order to reach a distant part of the country punctually at an appointed time in the morning . therewith the ironmaster takes his departure , sir leicester ringing the bell and my lady rising as he leaves the room . when my lady goes to her boudoir , she sits down thoughtfully by the fire , and inattentive to the ghosts walk , looks at rosa , writing in an inner room . presently my lady calls her . come to me , child . tell me the truth . are you in love . oh . my lady . my lady , looking at the downcast and blushing face , says smiling , who is it . is it mrs . rouncewells grandson . yes , if you please , my lady . but i dont know that i am in love with him  . yet , you silly little thing . do you know that he loves you , yet . i think he likes me a little , my lady . and rosa bursts into tears . is this lady dedlock standing beside the village beauty , smoothing her dark hair with that motherly touch , and watching her with eyes so full of musing interest . aye , indeed it is . listen to me , child . you are young and true , and i believe you are attached to me . indeed i am , my lady . indeed there is nothing in the world i wouldnt do to show how much . and i dont think you would wish to leave me just yet , rosa , even for a lover . no , my lady . oh , no . rosa looks up for the first time , quite frightened at the thought . confide in me , my child . dont fear me . i wish you to be happy , and will make you so  i can make anybody happy on this earth . rosa , with fresh tears , kneels at her feet and kisses her hand . my lady takes the hand with which she has caught it , and standing with her eyes fixed on the fire , puts it about and about between her own two hands , and gradually lets it fall . seeing her so absorbed , rosa softly withdraws but still my ladys eyes are on the fire . in search of what . of any hand that is no more , of any hand that never was , of any touch that might have magically changed her life . or does she listen to the ghosts walk and think what step does it most resemble . a mans . a womans . the pattering of a little childs feet , ever coming on  . some melancholy influence is upon her , or why should so proud a lady close the doors and sit alone upon the hearth so desolate . volumnia is away next day , and all the cousins are scattered before dinner . not a cousin of the batch but is amazed to hear from sir leicester at breakfast time of the obliteration of landmarks , and opening of floodgates , and cracking of the framework of society , manifested through mrs . rouncewells son . not a cousin of the batch but is really indignant , and connects it with the feebleness of william buffy when in office , and really does feel deprived of a stake in the country  the pension list  something  fraud and wrong . as to volumnia , she is handed down the great staircase by sir leicester , as eloquent upon the theme as if there were a general rising in the north of england to obtain her rouge pot and pearl necklace . and thus , with a clatter of maids and valets  it is one appurtenance of their cousinship that however difficult they may find it to keep themselves , they must keep maids and valets  cousins disperse to the four winds of heaven and the one wintry wind that blows to day shakes a shower from the trees near the deserted house , as if all the cousins had been changed into leaves . chapter xxix the young man chesney wold is shut up , carpets are rolled into great scrolls in corners of comfortless rooms , bright damask does penance in brown holland , carving and gilding puts on mortification , and the dedlock ancestors retire from the light of day again . around and around the house the leaves fall thick , but never fast , for they come circling down with a dead lightness that is sombre and slow . let the gardener sweep and sweep the turf as he will , and press the leaves into full barrows , and wheel them off , still they lie ankle deep . howls the shrill wind round chesney wold the sharp rain beats , the windows rattle , and the chimneys growl . mists hide in the avenues , veil the points of view , and move in funeral wise across the rising grounds . on all the house there is a cold , blank smell like the smell of a little church , though something dryer , suggesting that the dead and buried dedlocks walk there in the long nights and leave the flavour of their graves behind them . but the house in town , which is rarely in the same mind as chesney wold at the same time , seldom rejoicing when it rejoices or mourning when it mourns , excepting when a dedlock dies  house in town shines out awakened . as warm and bright as so much state may be , as delicately redolent of pleasant scents that bear no trace of winter as hothouse flowers can make it , soft and hushed so that the ticking of the clocks and the crisp burning of the fires alone disturb the stillness in the rooms , it seems to wrap those chilled bones of sir leicesters in rainbow coloured wool . and sir leicester is glad to repose in dignified contentment before the great fire in the library , condescendingly perusing the backs of his books or honouring the fine arts with a glance of approbation . for he has his pictures , ancient and modern . some of the fancy ball school in which art occasionally condescends to become a master , which would be best catalogued like the miscellaneous articles in a sale . as three high backed chairs , a table and cover , long necked bottle one flask , one spanish females costume , three quarter face portrait of miss jogg the model , and a suit of armour containing don quixote . or one stone terrace one gondola in distance , one venetian senators dress complete , richly embroidered white satin costume with profile portrait of miss jogg the model , one scimitar superbly mounted in gold with jewelled handle , elaborate moorish dress very rare , and othello . mr . tulkinghorn comes and goes pretty often , there being estate business to do , leases to be renewed , and so on . he sees my lady pretty often , too and he and she are as composed , and as indifferent , and take as little heed of one another , as ever . yet it may be that my lady fears this mr . tulkinghorn and that he knows it . it may be that he pursues her doggedly and steadily , with no touch of compunction , remorse , or pity . it may be that her beauty and all the state and brilliancy surrounding her only gives him the greater zest for what he is set upon and makes him the more inflexible in it . whether he be cold and cruel , whether immovable in what he has made his duty , whether absorbed in love of power , whether determined to have nothing hidden from him in ground where he has burrowed among secrets all his life , whether he in his heart despises the splendour of which he is a distant beam , whether he is always treasuring up slights and offences in the affability of his gorgeous clients  he be any of this , or all of this , it may be that my lady had better have five thousand pairs of fashionable eyes upon her , in distrustful vigilance , than the two eyes of this rusty lawyer with his wisp of neckcloth and his dull black breeches tied with ribbons at the knees . sir leicester sits in my ladys room  in which mr . tulkinghorn read the affidavit in jarndyce and jarndyce  complacent . my lady , as on that day , sits before the fire with her screen in her hand . sir leicester is particularly complacent because he has found in his newspaper some congenial remarks bearing directly on the floodgates and the framework of society . they apply so happily to the late case that sir leicester has come from the library to my ladys room expressly to read them aloud . the man who wrote this article , he observes by way of preface , nodding at the fire as if he were nodding down at the man from a mount , has a well balanced mind . the mans mind is not so well balanced but that he bores my lady , who , after a languid effort to listen , or rather a languid resignation of herself to a show of listening , becomes distraught and falls into a contemplation of the fire as if it were her fire at chesney wold , and she had never left it . sir leicester , quite unconscious , reads on through his double eye glass, , occasionally stopping to remove his glass and express approval , as very true indeed , very properly put , i have frequently made the same remark myself , invariably losing his place after each observation , and going up and down the column to find it again . sir leicester is reading with infinite gravity and state when the door opens , and the mercury in powder makes this strange announcement , the young man , my lady , of the name of guppy . sir leicester pauses , stares , repeats in a killing voice , the young man of the name of guppy . looking round , he beholds the young man of the name of guppy , much discomfited and not presenting a very impressive letter of introduction in his manner and appearance . pray , says sir leicester to mercury , what do you mean by announcing with this abruptness a young man of the name of guppy . i beg your pardon , sir leicester , but my lady said she would see the young man whenever he called . i was not aware that you were here , sir leicester . with this apology , mercury directs a scornful and indignant look at the young man of the name of guppy which plainly says , what do you come calling here for and getting me into a row . its quite right . i gave him those directions , says my lady . let the young man wait . by no means , my lady . since he has your orders to come , i will not interrupt you . sir leicester in his gallantry retires , rather declining to accept a bow from the young man as he goes out and majestically supposing him to be some shoemaker of intrusive appearance . lady dedlock looks imperiously at her visitor when the servant has left the room , casting her eyes over him from head to foot . she suffers him to stand by the door and asks him what he wants . that your ladyship would have the kindness to oblige me with a little conversation , returns mr . guppy , embarrassed . you are , of course , the person who has written me so many letters . several , your ladyship . several before your ladyship condescended to favour me with an answer . and could you not take the same means of rendering a conversation unnecessary . can you not still . mr . guppy screws his mouth into a silent no . and shakes his head . you have been strangely importunate . if it should appear , after all , that what you have to say does not concern me  i dont know how it can , and dont expect that it will  allow me to cut you short with but little ceremony . say what you have to say , if you please . my lady , with a careless toss of her screen , turns herself towards the fire again , sitting almost with her back to the young man of the name of guppy . with your ladyships permission , then , says the young man , i will now enter on my business . hem . i am , as i told your ladyship in my first letter , in the law . being in the law , i have learnt the habit of not committing myself in writing , and therefore i did not mention to your ladyship the name of the firm with which i am connected and in which my standing  i may add income  tolerably good . i may now state to your ladyship , in confidence , that the name of that firm is kenge and carboy , of lincolns inn , which may not be altogether unknown to your ladyship in connexion with the case in chancery of jarndyce and jarndyce . my ladys figure begins to be expressive of some attention . she has ceased to toss the screen and holds it as if she were listening . now , i may say to your ladyship at once , says mr . guppy , a little emboldened , it is no matter arising out of jarndyce and jarndyce that made me so desirous to speak to your ladyship , which conduct i have no doubt did appear , and does appear , obtrusive  fact , almost blackguardly . after waiting for a moment to receive some assurance to the contrary , and not receiving any , mr . guppy proceeds , if it had been jarndyce and jarndyce , i should have gone at once to your ladyships solicitor , mr . tulkinghorn , of the fields . i have the pleasure of being acquainted with mr . tulkinghorn  least we move when we meet one another  if it had been any business of that sort , i should have gone to him . my lady turns a little round and says , you had better sit down . thank your ladyship . mr . guppy does so . now , your ladyship  . guppy refers to a little slip of paper on which he has made small notes of his line of argument and which seems to involve him in the densest obscurity whenever he looks at it  , yes . place myself entirely in your ladyships hands . if your ladyship was to make any complaint to kenge and carboy or to mr . tulkinghorn of the present visit , i should be placed in a very disagreeable situation . that , i openly admit . consequently , i rely upon your ladyships honour . my lady , with a disdainful gesture of the hand that holds the screen , assures him of his being worth no complaint from her . thank your ladyship , says mr . guppy quite satisfactory . now  it . fact is that i put down a head or two here of the order of the points i thought of touching upon , and theyre written short , and i cant quite make out what they mean . if your ladyship will excuse me taking it to the window half a moment , i  mr . guppy , going to the window , tumbles into a pair of love birds, , to whom he says in his confusion , i beg your pardon , i am sure . this does not tend to the greater legibility of his notes . he murmurs , growing warm and red and holding the slip of paper now close to his eyes , now a long way off , c . s . whats c . s . for . oh . c . s .  . oh , i know . yes , to be sure . and comes back enlightened . i am not aware , says mr . guppy , standing midway between my lady and his chair , whether your ladyship ever happened to hear of , or to see , a young lady of the name of miss esther summerson . my ladys eyes look at him full . i saw a young lady of that name not long ago . this past autumn . now , did it strike your ladyship that she was like anybody . asks mr . guppy , crossing his arms , holding his head on one side , and scratching the corner of his mouth with his memoranda . my lady removes her eyes from him no more . no . not like your ladyships family . no . i think your ladyship , says mr . guppy , can hardly remember miss summersons face . i remember the young lady very well . what has this to do with me . your ladyship , i do assure you that having miss summersons image imprinted on my eart  i mention in confidence  found , when i had the honour of going over your ladyships mansion of chesney wold while on a short out in the county of lincolnshire with a friend , such a resemblance between miss esther summerson and your ladyships own portrait that it completely knocked me over , so much so that i didnt at the moment even know what it was that knocked me over . and now i have the honour of beholding your ladyship near i have often , since that , taken the liberty of looking at your ladyship in your carriage in the park , when i dare say you was not aware of me , but i never saw your ladyship so near , its really more surprising than i thought it . young man of the name of guppy . there have been times , when ladies lived in strongholds and had unscrupulous attendants within call , when that poor life of yours would not have been worth a minutes purchase , with those beautiful eyes looking at you as they look at this moment . my lady , slowly using her little hand screen as a fan , asks him again what he supposes that his taste for likenesses has to do with her . your ladyship , replies mr . guppy , again referring to his paper , i am coming to that . dash these notes . oh . mrs . chadband . yes . mr . guppy draws his chair a little forward and seats himself again . my lady reclines in her chair composedly , though with a trifle less of graceful ease than usual perhaps , and never falters in her steady gaze . a  minute , though . mr . guppy refers again . e . s . twice . oh , yes . yes , i see my way now , right on . rolling up the slip of paper as an instrument to point his speech with , mr . guppy proceeds . your ladyship , there is a mystery about miss esther summersons birth and bringing up . i am informed of that fact because  i mention in confidence  know it in the way of my profession at kenge and carboys . now , as i have already mentioned to your ladyship , miss summersons image is imprinted on my eart . if i could clear this mystery for her , or prove her to be well related , or find that having the honour to be a remote branch of your ladyships family she had a right to be made a party in jarndyce and jarndyce , why , i might make a sort of a claim upon miss summerson to look with an eye of more dedicated favour on my proposals than she has exactly done as yet . in fact , as yet she hasnt favoured them at all . a kind of angry smile just dawns upon my ladys face . now , its a very singular circumstance , your ladyship , says mr . guppy , though one of those circumstances that do fall in the way of us professional men  i may call myself , for though not admitted , yet i have had a present of my articles made to me by kenge and carboy , on my mothers advancing from the principal of her little income the money for the stamp , which comes heavy  i have encountered the person who lived as servant with the lady who brought miss summerson up before mr . jarndyce took charge of her . that lady was a miss barbary , your ladyship . is the dead colour on my ladys face reflected from the screen which has a green silk ground and which she holds in her raised hand as if she had forgotten it , or is it a dreadful paleness that has fallen on her . did your ladyship , says mr . guppy , ever happen to hear of miss barbary . i dont know . i think so . yes . was miss barbary at all connected with your ladyships family . my ladys lips move , but they utter nothing . she shakes her head . not connected . says mr . guppy . oh . not to your ladyships knowledge , perhaps . ah . but might be . yes . after each of these interrogatories , she has inclined her head . very good . now , this miss barbary was extremely close  to have been extraordinarily close for a female , females being generally rather given to conversation  my witness never had an idea whether she possessed a single relative . on one occasion , and only one , she seems to have been confidential to my witness on a single point , and she then told her that the little girls real name was not esther summerson , but esther hawdon . my god . mr . guppy stares . lady dedlock sits before him looking him through , with the same dark shade upon her face , in the same attitude even to the holding of the screen , with her lips a little apart , her brow a little contracted , but for the moment dead . he sees her consciousness return , sees a tremor pass across her frame like a ripple over water , sees her lips shake , sees her compose them by a great effort , sees her force herself back to the knowledge of his presence and of what he has said . all this , so quickly , that her exclamation and her dead condition seem to have passed away like the features of those long preserved dead bodies sometimes opened up in tombs , which , struck by the air like lightning , vanish in a breath . your ladyship is acquainted with the name of hawdon . i have heard it before . name of any collateral or remote branch of your ladyships family . no . now , your ladyship , says mr . guppy , i come to the last point of the case , so far as i have got it up . its going on , and i shall gather it up closer and closer as it goes on . your ladyship must know  your ladyship dont happen , by any chance , to know already  there was found dead at the house of a person named krook , near chancery lane , some time ago , a law writer in great distress . upon which law writer there was an inquest , and which law writer was an anonymous character , his name being unknown . but , your ladyship , i have discovered very lately that law writers name was hawdon . and what is that to me . aye , your ladyship , thats the question . now , your ladyship , a queer thing happened after that mans death . a lady started up , a disguised lady , your ladyship , who went to look at the scene of action and went to look at his grave . she hired a crossing sweeping boy to show it her . if your ladyship would wish to have the boy produced in corroboration of this statement , i can lay my hand upon him at any time . the wretched boy is nothing to my lady , and she does not wish to have him produced . oh , i assure your ladyship its a very queer start indeed , says mr . guppy . if you was to hear him tell about the rings that sparkled on her fingers when she took her glove off , youd think it quite romantic . there are diamonds glittering on the hand that holds the screen . my lady trifles with the screen and makes them glitter more , again with that expression which in other times might have been so dangerous to the young man of the name of guppy . it was supposed , your ladyship , that he left no rag or scrap behind him by which he could be possibly identified . but he did . he left a bundle of old letters . the screen still goes , as before . all this time her eyes never once release him . they were taken and secreted . and to morrow night , your ladyship , they will come into my possession . still i ask you , what is this to me . your ladyship , i conclude with that . mr . guppy rises . if you think theres enough in this chain of circumstances put together  the undoubted strong likeness of this young lady to your ladyship , which is a positive fact for a jury in her having been brought up by miss barbary in miss barbary stating miss summersons real name to be hawdon in your ladyships knowing both these names very well and in hawdons dying as he did  give your ladyship a family interest in going further into the case , i will bring these papers here . i dont know what they are , except that they are old letters i have never had them in my possession yet . i will bring those papers here as soon as i get them and go over them for the first time with your ladyship . i have told your ladyship my object . i have told your ladyship that i should be placed in a very disagreeable situation if any complaint was made , and all is in strict confidence . is this the full purpose of the young man of the name of guppy , or has he any other . do his words disclose the length , breadth , depth , of his object and suspicion in coming here or if not , what do they hide . he is a match for my lady there . she may look at him , but he can look at the table and keep that witness box face of his from telling anything . you may bring the letters , says my lady , if you choose . your ladyship is not very encouraging , upon my word and honour , says mr . guppy , a little injured . you may bring the letters , she repeats in the same tone , if you  . it shall be done . i wish your ladyship good day . on a table near her is a rich bauble of a casket , barred and clasped like an old strong chest . she , looking at him still , takes it to her and unlocks it . oh . i assure your ladyship i am not actuated by any motives of that sort , says mr . guppy , and i couldnt accept anything of the kind . i wish your ladyship good day , and am much obliged to you all the same . so the young man makes his bow and goes downstairs , where the supercilious mercury does not consider himself called upon to leave his olympus by the hall fire to let the young man out . as sir leicester basks in his library and dozes over his newspaper , is there no influence in the house to startle him , not to say to make the very trees at chesney wold fling up their knotted arms , the very portraits frown , the very armour stir . no . words , sobs , and cries are but air , and air is so shut in and shut out throughout the house in town that sounds need be uttered trumpet tongued indeed by my lady in her chamber to carry any faint vibration to sir leicesters ears and yet this cry is in the house , going upward from a wild figure on its knees . o my child , my child . not dead in the first hours of her life , as my cruel sister told me , but sternly nurtured by her , after she had renounced me and my name . o my child , o my child . chapter xxx esthers narrative richard had been gone away some time when a visitor came to pass a few days with us . it was an elderly lady . it was mrs . woodcourt , who , having come from wales to stay with mrs . bayham badger and having written to my guardian , by her son allans desire , to report that she had heard from him and that he was well and sent his kind remembrances to all of us , had been invited by my guardian to make a visit to bleak house . she stayed with us nearly three weeks . she took very kindly to me and was extremely confidential , so much so that sometimes she almost made me uncomfortable . i had no right , i knew very well , to be uncomfortable because she confided in me , and i felt it was unreasonable still , with all i could do , i could not quite help it . she was such a sharp little lady and used to sit with her hands folded in each other looking so very watchful while she talked to me that perhaps i found that rather irksome . or perhaps it was her being so upright and trim , though i dont think it was that , because i thought that quaintly pleasant . nor can it have been the general expression of her face , which was very sparkling and pretty for an old lady . i dont know what it was . or at least if i do now , i thought i did not then . or at least  it dont matter . of a night when i was going upstairs to bed , she would invite me into her room , where she sat before the fire in a great chair and , dear me , she would tell me about morgan ap kerrig until i was quite low spirited . sometimes she recited a few verses from crumlinwallinwer and the mewlinnwillinwodd if those are the right names , which i dare say they are not , and would become quite fiery with the sentiments they expressed . though i never knew what they were further than that they were highly eulogistic of the lineage of morgan ap kerrig . so , miss summerson , she would say to me with stately triumph , this , you see , is the fortune inherited by my son . wherever my son goes , he can claim kindred with ap kerrig . he may not have money , but he always has what is much better  , my dear . i had my doubts of their caring so very much for morgan ap kerrig in india and china , but of course i never expressed them . i used to say it was a great thing to be so highly connected . it is , my dear , a great thing , mrs . woodcourt would reply . it has its disadvantages my sons choice of a wife , for instance , is limited by it , but the matrimonial choice of the royal family is limited in much the same manner . then she would pat me on the arm and smooth my dress , as much as to assure me that she had a good opinion of me , the distance between us notwithstanding . poor mr . woodcourt , my dear , she would say , and always with some emotion , for with her lofty pedigree she had a very affectionate heart , was descended from a great highland family , the maccoorts of maccoort . he served his king and country as an officer in the royal highlanders , and he died on the field . my son is one of the last representatives of two old families . with the blessing of heaven he will set them up again and unite them with another old family . it was in vain for me to try to change the subject , as i used to try , only for the sake of novelty or perhaps because  i need not be so particular . mrs . woodcourt never would let me change it . my dear , she said one night , you have so much sense and you look at the world in a quiet manner so superior to your time of life that it is a comfort to me to talk to you about these family matters of mine . you dont know much of my son , my dear but you know enough of him , i dare say , to recollect him . yes , maam . i recollect him . yes , my dear . now , my dear , i think you are a judge of character , and i should like to have your opinion of him . oh , mrs . woodcourt , said i , that is so difficult . why is it so difficult , my dear . she returned . i dont see it myself . to give an opinion  on so slight an acquaintance , my dear . thats true . i didnt mean that , because mr . woodcourt had been at our house a good deal altogether and had become quite intimate with my guardian . i said so , and added that he seemed to be very clever in his profession  thought  that his kindness and gentleness to miss flite were above all praise . you do him justice . said mrs . woodcourt , pressing my hand . you define him exactly . allan is a dear fellow , and in his profession faultless . i say it , though i am his mother . still , i must confess he is not without faults , love . none of us are , said i . ah . but his really are faults that he might correct , and ought to correct , returned the sharp old lady , sharply shaking her head . i am so much attached to you that i may confide in you , my dear , as a third party wholly disinterested , that he is fickleness itself . i said i should have thought it hardly possible that he could have been otherwise than constant to his profession and zealous in the pursuit of it , judging from the reputation he had earned . you are right again , my dear , the old lady retorted , but i dont refer to his profession , look you . oh . said i . no , said she . i refer , my dear , to his social conduct . he is always paying trivial attentions to young ladies , and always has been , ever since he was eighteen . now , my dear , he has never really cared for any one of them and has never meant in doing this to do any harm or to express anything but politeness and good nature . still , its not right , you know is it . no , said i , as she seemed to wait for me . and it might lead to mistaken notions , you see , my dear . i supposed it might . therefore , i have told him many times that he really should be more careful , both in justice to himself and in justice to others . and he has always said , mother , i will be but you know me better than anybody else does , and you know i mean no harm  short , mean nothing . all of which is very true , my dear , but is no justification . however , as he is now gone so far away and for an indefinite time , and as he will have good opportunities and introductions , we may consider this past and gone . and you , my dear , said the old lady , who was now all nods and smiles , regarding your dear self , my love . me , mrs . woodcourt . not to be always selfish , talking of my son , who has gone to seek his fortune and to find a wife  do you mean to seek your fortune and to find a husband , miss summerson . hey , look you . now you blush . i dont think i did blush  all events , it was not important if i did  i said my present fortune perfectly contented me and i had no wish to change it . shall i tell you what i always think of you and the fortune yet to come for you , my love . said mrs . woodcourt . if you believe you are a good prophet , said i . why , then , it is that you will marry some one very rich and very worthy , much older  and twenty years , perhaps  yourself . and you will be an excellent wife , and much beloved , and very happy . that is a good fortune , said i . but why is it to be mine . my dear , she returned , theres suitability in it  are so busy , and so neat , and so peculiarly situated altogether that theres suitability in it , and it will come to pass . and nobody , my love , will congratulate you more sincerely on such a marriage than i shall . it was curious that this should make me uncomfortable , but i think it did . i know it did . it made me for some part of that night uncomfortable . i was so ashamed of my folly that i did not like to confess it even to ada , and that made me more uncomfortable still . i would have given anything not to have been so much in the bright old ladys confidence if i could have possibly declined it . it gave me the most inconsistent opinions of her . at one time i thought she was a story teller, , and at another time that she was the pink of truth . now i suspected that she was very cunning , next moment i believed her honest welsh heart to be perfectly innocent and simple . and after all , what did it matter to me , and why did it matter to me . why could not i , going up to bed with my basket of keys , stop to sit down by her fire and accommodate myself for a little while to her , at least as well as to anybody else , and not trouble myself about the harmless things she said to me . impelled towards her , as i certainly was , for i was very anxious that she should like me and was very glad indeed that she did , why should i harp afterwards , with actual distress and pain , on every word she said and weigh it over and over again in twenty scales . why was it so worrying to me to have her in our house , and confidential to me every night , when i yet felt that it was better and safer somehow that she should be there than anywhere else . these were perplexities and contradictions that i could not account for . at least , if i could  i shall come to all that by and by , and it is mere idleness to go on about it now . so when mrs . woodcourt went away , i was sorry to lose her but was relieved too . and then caddy jellyby came down , and caddy brought such a packet of domestic news that it gave us abundant occupation . first caddy declared that i was the best adviser that ever was known . this , my pet said , was no news at all and this , i said , of course , was nonsense . then caddy told us that she was going to be married in a month and that if ada and i would be her bridesmaids , she was the happiest girl in the world . to be sure , this was news indeed and i thought we never should have done talking about it , we had so much to say to caddy , and caddy had so much to say to us . it seemed that caddys unfortunate papa had got over his bankruptcy  through the gazette , was the expression caddy used , as if it were a tunnel  the general clemency and commiseration of his creditors , and had got rid of his affairs in some blessed manner without succeeding in understanding them , and had given up everything he possessed which was not worth much , i should think , to judge from the state of the furniture , and had satisfied every one concerned that he could do no more , poor man . so , he had been honourably dismissed to the office to begin the world again . what he did at the office , i never knew caddy said he was a custom house and general agent , and the only thing i ever understood about that business was that when he wanted money more than usual he went to the docks to look for it , and hardly ever found it . as soon as her papa had tranquillized his mind by becoming this shorn lamb , and they had removed to a furnished lodging in hatton garden where i found the children , when i afterwards went there , cutting the horse hair out of the seats of the chairs and choking themselves with it , caddy had brought about a meeting between him and old mr . turveydrop and poor mr . jellyby , being very humble and meek , had deferred to mr . turveydrops deportment so submissively that they had become excellent friends . by degrees , old mr . turveydrop , thus familiarized with the idea of his sons marriage , had worked up his parental feelings to the height of contemplating that event as being near at hand and had given his gracious consent to the young couple commencing housekeeping at the academy in newman street when they would . and your papa , caddy . what did he say . oh . poor pa , said caddy , only cried and said he hoped we might get on better than he and ma had got on . he didnt say so before prince , he only said so to me . and he said , my poor girl , you have not been very well taught how to make a home for your husband , but unless you mean with all your heart to strive to do it , you had better murder him than marry him  you really love him . and how did you reassure him , caddy . why , it was very distressing , you know , to see poor pa so low and hear him say such terrible things , and i couldnt help crying myself . but i told him that i did mean it with all my heart and that i hoped our house would be a place for him to come and find some comfort in of an evening and that i hoped and thought i could be a better daughter to him there than at home . then i mentioned peepys coming to stay with me , and then pa began to cry again and said the children were indians . indians , caddy . yes , said caddy , wild indians . and pa said  she began to sob , poor girl , not at all like the happiest girl in the world  he was sensible the best thing that could happen to them was their being all tomahawked together . ada suggested that it was comfortable to know that mr . jellyby did not mean these destructive sentiments . no , of course i know pa wouldnt like his family to be weltering in their blood , said caddy , but he means that they are very unfortunate in being mas children and that he is very unfortunate in being mas husband and i am sure thats true , though it seems unnatural to say so . i asked caddy if mrs . jellyby knew that her wedding day was fixed . oh . you know what ma is , esther , she returned . its impossible to say whether she knows it or not . she has been told it often enough and when she is told it , she only gives me a placid look , as if i was i dont know what  steeple in the distance , said caddy with a sudden idea and then she shakes her head and says oh , caddy , what a tease you are . and goes on with the borrioboola letters . and about your wardrobe , caddy . said i . for she was under no restraint with us . well , my dear esther , she returned , drying her eyes , i must do the best i can and trust to my dear prince never to have an unkind remembrance of my coming so shabbily to him . if the question concerned an outfit for borrioboola , ma would know all about it and would be quite excited . being what it is , she neither knows nor cares . caddy was not at all deficient in natural affection for her mother , but mentioned this with tears as an undeniable fact , which i am afraid it was . we were sorry for the poor dear girl and found so much to admire in the good disposition which had survived under such discouragement that we both at once proposed a little scheme that made her perfectly joyful . this was her staying with us for three weeks , my staying with her for one , and our all three contriving and cutting out , and repairing , and sewing , and saving , and doing the very best we could think of to make the most of her stock . my guardian being as pleased with the idea as caddy was , we took her home next day to arrange the matter and brought her out again in triumph with her boxes and all the purchases that could be squeezed out of a ten pound note , which mr . jellyby had found in the docks i suppose , but which he at all events gave her . what my guardian would not have given her if we had encouraged him , it would be difficult to say , but we thought it right to compound for no more than her wedding dress and bonnet . he agreed to this compromise , and if caddy had ever been happy in her life , she was happy when we sat down to work . she was clumsy enough with her needle , poor girl , and pricked her fingers as much as she had been used to ink them . she could not help reddening a little now and then , partly with the smart and partly with vexation at being able to do no better , but she soon got over that and began to improve rapidly . so day after day she , and my darling , and my little maid charley , and a milliner out of the town , and i , sat hard at work , as pleasantly as possible . over and above this , caddy was very anxious to learn housekeeping , as she said . now , mercy upon us . the idea of her learning housekeeping of a person of my vast experience was such a joke that i laughed , and coloured up , and fell into a comical confusion when she proposed it . however , i said , caddy , i am sure you are very welcome to learn anything that you can learn of me , my dear , and i showed her all my books and methods and all my fidgety ways . you would have supposed that i was showing her some wonderful inventions , by her study of them and if you had seen her , whenever i jingled my housekeeping keys , get up and attend me , certainly you might have thought that there never was a greater imposter than i with a blinder follower than caddy jellyby . so what with working and housekeeping , and lessons to charley , and backgammon in the evening with my guardian , and duets with ada , the three weeks slipped fast away . then i went home with caddy to see what could be done there , and ada and charley remained behind to take care of my guardian . when i say i went home with caddy , i mean to the furnished lodging in hatton garden . we went to newman street two or three times , where preparations were in progress too  good many , i observed , for enhancing the comforts of old mr . turveydrop , and a few for putting the newly married couple away cheaply at the top of the house  our great point was to make the furnished lodging decent for the wedding breakfast and to imbue mrs . jellyby beforehand with some faint sense of the occasion . the latter was the more difficult thing of the two because mrs . jellyby and an unwholesome boy occupied the front sitting room the back one was a mere closet , and it was littered down with waste paper and borrioboolan documents , as an untidy stable might be littered with straw . mrs . jellyby sat there all day drinking strong coffee , dictating , and holding borrioboolan interviews by appointment . the unwholesome boy , who seemed to me to be going into a decline , took his meals out of the house . when mr . jellyby came home , he usually groaned and went down into the kitchen . there he got something to eat if the servant would give him anything , and then , feeling that he was in the way , went out and walked about hatton garden in the wet . the poor children scrambled up and tumbled down the house as they had always been accustomed to do . the production of these devoted little sacrifices in any presentable condition being quite out of the question at a weeks notice , i proposed to caddy that we should make them as happy as we could on her marriage morning in the attic where they all slept , and should confine our greatest efforts to her mama and her mamas room , and a clean breakfast . in truth mrs . jellyby required a good deal of attention , the lattice work up her back having widened considerably since i first knew her and her hair looking like the mane of a dustmans horse . thinking that the display of caddys wardrobe would be the best means of approaching the subject , i invited mrs . jellyby to come and look at it spread out on caddys bed in the evening after the unwholesome boy was gone . my dear miss summerson , said she , rising from her desk with her usual sweetness of temper , these are really ridiculous preparations , though your assisting them is a proof of your kindness . there is something so inexpressibly absurd to me in the idea of caddy being married . oh , caddy , you silly , puss . she came upstairs with us notwithstanding and looked at the clothes in her customary far off manner . they suggested one distinct idea to her , for she said with her placid smile , and shaking her head , my good miss summerson , at half the cost , this weak child might have been equipped for africa . on our going downstairs again , mrs . jellyby asked me whether this troublesome business was really to take place next wednesday . and on my replying yes , she said , will my room be required , my dear miss summerson . for its quite impossible that i can put my papers away . i took the liberty of saying that the room would certainly be wanted and that i thought we must put the papers away somewhere . well , my dear miss summerson , said mrs . jellyby , you know best , i dare say . but by obliging me to employ a boy , caddy has embarrassed me to that extent , overwhelmed as i am with public business , that i dont know which way to turn . we have a ramification meeting , too , on wednesday afternoon , and the inconvenience is very serious . it is not likely to occur again , said i , smiling . caddy will be married but once , probably . thats true , mrs . jellyby replied thats true , my dear . i suppose we must make the best of it . the next question was how mrs . jellyby should be dressed on the occasion . i thought it very curious to see her looking on serenely from her writing table while caddy and i discussed it , occasionally shaking her head at us with a half reproachful smile like a superior spirit who could just bear with our trifling . the state in which her dresses were , and the extraordinary confusion in which she kept them , added not a little to our difficulty but at length we devised something not very unlike what a common place mother might wear on such an occasion . the abstracted manner in which mrs . jellyby would deliver herself up to having this attire tried on by the dressmaker , and the sweetness with which she would then observe to me how sorry she was that i had not turned my thoughts to africa , were consistent with the rest of her behaviour . the lodging was rather confined as to space , but i fancied that if mrs . jellybys household had been the only lodgers in saint pauls or saint peters , the sole advantage they would have found in the size of the building would have been its affording a great deal of room to be dirty in . i believe that nothing belonging to the family which it had been possible to break was unbroken at the time of those preparations for caddys marriage , that nothing which it had been possible to spoil in any way was unspoilt , and that no domestic object which was capable of collecting dirt , from a dear childs knee to the door plate, , was without as much dirt as could well accumulate upon it . poor mr . jellyby , who very seldom spoke and almost always sat when he was at home with his head against the wall , became interested when he saw that caddy and i were attempting to establish some order among all this waste and ruin and took off his coat to help . but such wonderful things came tumbling out of the closets when they were opened  of mouldy pie , sour bottles , mrs . jellybys caps , letters , tea , forks , odd boots and shoes of children , firewood , wafers , saucepan lids, , damp sugar in odds and ends of paper bags , footstools , blacklead brushes , bread , mrs . jellybys bonnets , books with butter sticking to the binding , guttered candle ends put out by being turned upside down in broken candlesticks , nutshells , heads and tails of shrimps , dinner mats, , gloves , coffee grounds, , umbrellas  he looked frightened , and left off again . but he came regularly every evening and sat without his coat , with his head against the wall , as though he would have helped us if he had known how . poor pa . said caddy to me on the night before the great day , when we really had got things a little to rights . it seems unkind to leave him , esther . but what could i do if i stayed . since i first knew you , i have tidied and tidied over and over again , but its useless . ma and africa , together , upset the whole house directly . we never have a servant who dont drink . mas ruinous to everything . mr . jellyby could not hear what she said , but he seemed very low indeed and shed tears , i thought . my heart aches for him that it does . sobbed caddy . i cant help thinking to night, , esther , how dearly i hope to be happy with prince , and how dearly pa hoped , i dare say , to be happy with ma . what a disappointed life . my dear caddy . said mr . jellyby , looking slowly round from the wail . it was the first time , i think , i ever heard him say three words together . yes , pa . cried caddy , going to him and embracing him affectionately . my dear caddy , said mr . jellyby . never have  not prince , pa . faltered caddy . not have prince . yes , my dear , said mr . jellyby . have him , certainly . but , never have  i mentioned in my account of our first visit in thavies inn that richard described mr . jellyby as frequently opening his mouth after dinner without saying anything . it was a habit of his . he opened his mouth now a great many times and shook his head in a melancholy manner . what do you wish me not to have . dont have what , dear pa . asked caddy , coaxing him , with her arms round his neck . never have a mission , my dear child . mr . jellyby groaned and laid his head against the wall again , and this was the only time i ever heard him make any approach to expressing his sentiments on the borrioboolan question . i suppose he had been more talkative and lively once , but he seemed to have been completely exhausted long before i knew him . i thought mrs . jellyby never would have left off serenely looking over her papers and drinking coffee that night . it was twelve oclock before we could obtain possession of the room , and the clearance it required then was so discouraging that caddy , who was almost tired out , sat down in the middle of the dust and cried . but she soon cheered up , and we did wonders with it before we went to bed . in the morning it looked , by the aid of a few flowers and a quantity of soap and water and a little arrangement , quite gay . the plain breakfast made a cheerful show , and caddy was perfectly charming . but when my darling came , i thought  i think now  i never had seen such a dear face as my beautiful pets . we made a little feast for the children upstairs , and we put peepy at the head of the table , and we showed them caddy in her bridal dress , and they clapped their hands and hurrahed , and caddy cried to think that she was going away from them and hugged them over and over again until we brought prince up to fetch her away  , i am sorry to say , peepy bit him . then there was old mr . turveydrop downstairs , in a state of deportment not to be expressed , benignly blessing caddy and giving my guardian to understand that his sons happiness was his own parental work and that he sacrificed personal considerations to ensure it . my dear sir , said mr . turveydrop , these young people will live with me my house is large enough for their accommodation , and they shall not want the shelter of my roof . i could have wished  will understand the allusion , mr . jarndyce , for you remember my illustrious patron the prince regent  could have wished that my son had married into a family where there was more deportment , but the will of heaven be done . mr . and mrs . pardiggle were of the party  . pardiggle , an obstinate looking man with a large waistcoat and stubbly hair , who was always talking in a loud bass voice about his mite , or mrs . pardiggles mite , or their five boys mites . mr . quale , with his hair brushed back as usual and his knobs of temples shining very much , was also there , not in the character of a disappointed lover , but as the accepted of a young  least , an unmarried  , a miss wisk , who was also there . miss wisks mission , my guardian said , was to show the world that womans mission was mans mission and that the only genuine mission of both man and woman was to be always moving declaratory resolutions about things in general at public meetings . the guests were few , but were , as one might expect at mrs . jellybys , all devoted to public objects only . besides those i have mentioned , there was an extremely dirty lady with her bonnet all awry and the ticketed price of her dress still sticking on it , whose neglected home , caddy told me , was like a filthy wilderness , but whose church was like a fancy fair . a very contentious gentleman , who said it was his mission to be everybodys brother but who appeared to be on terms of coolness with the whole of his large family , completed the party . a party , having less in common with such an occasion , could hardly have been got together by any ingenuity . such a mean mission as the domestic mission was the very last thing to be endured among them indeed , miss wisk informed us , with great indignation , before we sat down to breakfast , that the idea of womans mission lying chiefly in the narrow sphere of home was an outrageous slander on the part of her tyrant , man . one other singularity was that nobody with a mission  mr . quale , whose mission , as i think i have formerly said , was to be in ecstasies with everybodys mission  at all for anybodys mission . mrs . pardiggle being as clear that the only one infallible course was her course of pouncing upon the poor and applying benevolence to them like a strait waistcoat as miss wisk was that the only practical thing for the world was the emancipation of woman from the thraldom of her tyrant , man . mrs . jellyby , all the while , sat smiling at the limited vision that could see anything but borrioboola gha . but i am anticipating now the purport of our conversation on the ride home instead of first marrying caddy . we all went to church , and mr . jellyby gave her away . of the air with which old mr . turveydrop , with his hat under his left arm the inside presented at the clergyman like a cannon and his eyes creasing themselves up into his wig , stood stiff and high shouldered behind us bridesmaids during the ceremony , and afterwards saluted us , i could never say enough to do it justice . miss wisk , whom i cannot report as prepossessing in appearance , and whose manner was grim , listened to the proceedings , as part of womans wrongs , with a disdainful face . mrs . jellyby , with her calm smile and her bright eyes , looked the least concerned of all the company . we duly came back to breakfast , and mrs . jellyby sat at the head of the table and mr . jellyby at the foot . caddy had previously stolen upstairs to hug the children again and tell them that her name was turveydrop . but this piece of information , instead of being an agreeable surprise to peepy , threw him on his back in such transports of kicking grief that i could do nothing on being sent for but accede to the proposal that he should be admitted to the breakfast table . so he came down and sat in my lap and mrs . jellyby , after saying , in reference to the state of his pinafore , oh , you naughty peepy , what a shocking little pig you are . was not at all discomposed . he was very good except that he brought down noah with him out of an ark i had given him before we went to church and would dip him head first into the wine glasses and then put him in his mouth . my guardian , with his sweet temper and his quick perception and his amiable face , made something agreeable even out of the ungenial company . none of them seemed able to talk about anything but his , or her , own one subject , and none of them seemed able to talk about even that as part of a world in which there was anything else but my guardian turned it all to the merry encouragement of caddy and the honour of the occasion , and brought us through the breakfast nobly . what we should have done without him , i am afraid to think , for all the company despising the bride and bridegroom and old mr . turveydrop  old mr . thurveydrop , in virtue of his deportment , considering himself vastly superior to all the company  was a very unpromising case . at last the time came when poor caddy was to go and when all her property was packed on the hired coach and pair that was to take her and her husband to gravesend . it affected us to see caddy clinging , then , to her deplorable home and hanging on her mothers neck with the greatest tenderness . i am very sorry i couldnt go on writing from dictation , ma , sobbed caddy . i hope you forgive me now . oh , caddy , . said mrs . jellyby . i have told you over and over again that i have engaged a boy , and theres an end of it . you are sure you are not the least angry with me , ma . say you are sure before i go away , ma . you foolish caddy , returned mrs . jellyby , do i look angry , or have i inclination to be angry , or time to be angry . how can you . take a little care of pa while i am gone , mama . mrs . jellyby positively laughed at the fancy . you romantic child , said she , lightly patting caddys back . go along . i am excellent friends with you . now , good bye, , caddy , and be very happy . then caddy hung upon her father and nursed his cheek against hers as if he were some poor dull child in pain . all this took place in the hall . her father released her , took out his pocket handkerchief , and sat down on the stairs with his head against the wall . i hope he found some consolation in walls . i almost think he did . and then prince took her arm in his and turned with great emotion and respect to his father , whose deportment at that moment was overwhelming . thank you over and over again , father . said prince , kissing his hand . i am very grateful for all your kindness and consideration regarding our marriage , and so , i can assure you , is caddy . very , sobbed caddy . ve ry . my dear son , said mr . turveydrop , and dear daughter , i have done my duty . if the spirit of a sainted wooman hovers above us and looks down on the occasion , that , and your constant affection , will be my recompense . you will not fail in your duty , my son and daughter , i believe . dear father , never . cried prince . never , dear mr . turveydrop . said caddy . this , returned mr . turveydrop , is as it should be . my children , my home is yours , my heart is yours , my all is yours . i will never leave you nothing but death shall part us . my dear son , you contemplate an absence of a week , i think . a week , dear father . we shall return home this day week . my dear child , said mr . turveydrop , let me , even under the present exceptional circumstances , recommend strict punctuality . it is highly important to keep the connexion together and schools , if at all neglected , are apt to take offence . this day week , father , we shall be sure to be home to dinner . good . said mr . turveydrop . you will find fires , my dear caroline , in your own room , and dinner prepared in my apartment . yes , prince . anticipating some self denying objection on his sons part with a great air . you and our caroline will be strange in the upper part of the premises and will , therefore , dine that day in my apartment . now , bless ye . they drove away , and whether i wondered most at mrs . jellyby or at mr . turveydrop , i did not know . ada and my guardian were in the same condition when we came to talk it over . but before we drove away too , i received a most unexpected and eloquent compliment from mr . jellyby . he came up to me in the hall , took both my hands , pressed them earnestly , and opened his mouth twice . i was so sure of his meaning that i said , quite flurried , you are very welcome , sir . pray dont mention it . i hope this marriage is for the best , guardian , said i when we three were on our road home . i hope it is , little woman . patience . we shall see . is the wind in the east to day . i ventured to ask him . he laughed heartily and answered , no . but it must have been this morning , i think , said i . he answered no again , and this time my dear girl confidently answered no too and shook the lovely head which , with its blooming flowers against the golden hair , was like the very spring . much you know of east winds , my ugly darling , said i , kissing her in my admiration  couldnt help it . well . it was only their love for me , i know very well , and it is a long time ago . i must write it even if i rub it out again , because it gives me so much pleasure . they said there could be no east wind where somebody was they said that wherever dame durden went , there was sunshine and summer air . chapter xxxi nurse and patient i had not been at home again many days when one evening i went upstairs into my own room to take a peep over charleys shoulder and see how she was getting on with her copy book . writing was a trying business to charley , who seemed to have no natural power over a pen , but in whose hand every pen appeared to become perversely animated , and to go wrong and crooked , and to stop , and splash , and sidle into corners like a saddle donkey . it was very odd to see what old letters charleys young hand had made , they so wrinkled , and shrivelled , and tottering , it so plump and round . yet charley was uncommonly expert at other things and had as nimble little fingers as i ever watched . well , charley , said i , looking over a copy of the letter o in which it was represented as square , triangular , pear shaped, , and collapsed in all kinds of ways , we are improving . if we only get to make it round , we shall be perfect , charley . then i made one , and charley made one , and the pen wouldnt join charleys neatly , but twisted it up into a knot . never mind , charley . we shall do it in time . charley laid down her pen , the copy being finished , opened and shut her cramped little hand , looked gravely at the page , half in pride and half in doubt , and got up , and dropped me a curtsy . thank you , miss . if you please , miss , did you know a poor person of the name of jenny . a brickmakers wife , charley . yes . she came and spoke to me when i was out a little while ago , and said you knew her , miss . she asked me if i wasnt the young ladys little maid  you for the young lady , miss  i said yes , miss . i thought she had left this neighbourhood altogether , charley . so she had , miss , but shes come back again to where she used to live  and liz . did you know another poor person of the name of liz , miss . i think i do , charley , though not by name . thats what she said . returned charley . they have both come back , miss , and have been tramping high and low . tramping high and low , have they , charley . yes , miss . if charley could only have made the letters in her copy as round as the eyes with which she looked into my face , they would have been excellent . and this poor person came about the house three or four days , hoping to get a glimpse of you , miss  she wanted , she said  you were away . that was when she saw me . she saw me a going about , miss , said charley with a short laugh of the greatest delight and pride , and she thought i looked like your maid . did she though , really , charley . yes , miss . said charley . really and truly . and charley , with another short laugh of the purest glee , made her eyes very round again and looked as serious as became my maid . i was never tired of seeing charley in the full enjoyment of that great dignity , standing before me with her youthful face and figure , and her steady manner , and her childish exultation breaking through it now and then in the pleasantest way . and where did you see her , charley . said i . my little maids countenance fell as she replied , by the doctors shop , miss . for charley wore her black frock yet . i asked if the brickmakers wife were ill , but charley said no . it was some one else . some one in her cottage who had tramped down to saint albans and was tramping he didnt know where . a poor boy , charley said . no father , no mother , no any one . like as tom might have been , miss , if emma and me had died after father , said charley , her round eyes filling with tears . and she was getting medicine for him , charley . she said , miss , returned charley , how that he had once done as much for her . my little maids face was so eager and her quiet hands were folded so closely in one another as she stood looking at me that i had no great difficulty in reading her thoughts . well , charley , said i , it appears to me that you and i can do no better than go round to jennys and see whats the matter . the alacrity with which charley brought my bonnet and veil , and having dressed me , quaintly pinned herself into her warm shawl and made herself look like a little old woman , sufficiently expressed her readiness . so charley and i , without saying anything to any one , went out . it was a cold , wild night , and the trees shuddered in the wind . the rain had been thick and heavy all day , and with little intermission for many days . none was falling just then , however . the sky had partly cleared , but was very gloomy  above us , where a few stars were shining . in the north and north west, , where the sun had set three hours before , there was a pale dead light both beautiful and awful and into it long sullen lines of cloud waved up like a sea stricken immovable as it was heaving . towards london a lurid glare overhung the whole dark waste , and the contrast between these two lights , and the fancy which the redder light engendered of an unearthly fire , gleaming on all the unseen buildings of the city and on all the faces of its many thousands of wondering inhabitants , was as solemn as might be . i had no thought that night  , i am quite sure  what was soon to happen to me . but i have always remembered since that when we had stopped at the garden gate to look up at the sky , and when we went upon our way , i had for a moment an undefinable impression of myself as being something different from what i then was . i know it was then and there that i had it . i have ever since connected the feeling with that spot and time and with everything associated with that spot and time , to the distant voices in the town , the barking of a dog , and the sound of wheels coming down the miry hill . it was saturday night , and most of the people belonging to the place where we were going were drinking elsewhere . we found it quieter than i had previously seen it , though quite as miserable . the kilns were burning , and a stifling vapour set towards us with a pale blue glare . we came to the cottage , where there was a feeble candle in the patched window . we tapped at the door and went in . the mother of the little child who had died was sitting in a chair on one side of the poor fire by the bed and opposite to her , a wretched boy , supported by the chimney piece, , was cowering on the floor . he held under his arm , like a little bundle , a fragment of a fur cap and as he tried to warm himself , he shook until the crazy door and window shook . the place was closer than before and had an unhealthy and a very peculiar smell . i had not lifted my veil when i first spoke to the woman , which was at the moment of our going in . the boy staggered up instantly and stared at me with a remarkable expression of surprise and terror . his action was so quick and my being the cause of it was so evident that i stood still instead of advancing nearer . i wont go no more to the berryin ground , muttered the boy i aint a going there , so i tell you . i lifted my veil and spoke to the woman . she said to me in a low voice , dont mind him , maam . hell soon come back to his head , and said to him , jo , whats the matter . i know wot shes come for . cried the boy . who . the lady there . shes come to get me to go along with her to the berryin ground . i wont go to the berryin ground . i dont like the name on it . she might go a berryin me . his shivering came on again , and as he leaned against the wall , he shook the hovel . he has been talking off and on about such like all day , maam , said jenny softly . why , how you stare . this is my lady , jo . is it . returned the boy doubtfully , and surveying me with his arm held out above his burning eyes . she looks to me the tother one . it aint the bonnet , nor yet it aint the gownd , but she looks to me the tother one . my little charley , with her premature experience of illness and trouble , had pulled off her bonnet and shawl and now went quietly up to him with a chair and sat him down in it like an old sick nurse . except that no such attendant could have shown him charleys youthful face , which seemed to engage his confidence . i say . said the boy . you tell me . aint the lady the tother lady . charley shook her head as she methodically drew his rags about him and made him as warm as she could . oh . the boy muttered . then i spose she aint . i came to see if i could do you any good , said i . what is the matter with you . im a being froze , returned the boy hoarsely , with his haggard gaze wandering about me , and then burnt up , and then froze , and then burnt up , ever so many times in a hour . and my heads all sleepy , and all a going mad like im so dry  my bones isnt half so much bones as pain . when did he come here . i asked the woman . this morning , maam , i found him at the corner of the town . i had known him up in london yonder . hadnt i , jo . tom all , the boy replied . whenever he fixed his attention or his eyes , it was only for a very little while . he soon began to droop his head again , and roll it heavily , and speak as if he were half awake . when did he come from london . i asked . i come from london yesday , said the boy himself , now flushed and hot . im a going somewheres . where is he going . i asked . somewheres , repeated the boy in a louder tone . i have been moved on , and moved on , more nor ever i was afore , since the tother one give me the sovring . mrs . snagsby , shes always a watching, , and a driving of me  have i done to her . theyre all a watching and a driving of me . every one of ems doing of it , from the time when i dont get up , to the time when i dont go to bed . and im a going somewheres . thats where im a going . she told me , down in tom all , as she came from stolbuns , and so i took the stolbuns road . its as good as another . he always concluded by addressing charley . what is to be done with him . said i , taking the woman aside . he could not travel in this state even if he had a purpose and knew where he was going . i know no more , maam , than the dead , she replied , glancing compassionately at him . perhaps the dead know better , if they could only tell us . ive kept him here all day for pitys sake , and ive given him broth and physic , and liz has gone to try if any one will take him in heres my pretty in the bed  child , but i call it mine but i cant keep him long , for if my husband was to come home and find him here , hed be rough in putting him out and might do him a hurt . hark . here comes liz back . the other woman came hurriedly in as she spoke , and the boy got up with a half obscured sense that he was expected to be going . when the little child awoke , and when and how charley got at it , took it out of bed , and began to walk about hushing it , i dont know . there she was , doing all this in a quiet motherly manner as if she were living in mrs . blinders attic with tom and emma again . the friend had been here and there , and had been played about from hand to hand , and had come back as she went . at first it was too early for the boy to be received into the proper refuge , and at last it was too late . one official sent her to another , and the other sent her back again to the first , and so backward and forward , until it appeared to me as if both must have been appointed for their skill in evading their duties instead of performing them . and now , after all , she said , breathing quickly , for she had been running and was frightened too , jenny , your masters on the road home , and mines not far behind , and the lord help the boy , for we can do no more for him . they put a few halfpence together and hurried them into his hand , and so , in an oblivious , half thankful, , way , he shuffled out of the house . give me the child , my dear , said its mother to charley , and thank you kindly too . jenny , woman dear , good night . young lady , if my master dont fall out with me , ill look down by the kiln by and by , where the boy will be most like , and again in the morning . she hurried off , and presently we passed her hushing and singing to her child at her own door and looking anxiously along the road for her drunken husband . i was afraid of staying then to speak to either woman , lest i should bring her into trouble . but i said to charley that we must not leave the boy to die . charley , who knew what to do much better than i did , and whose quickness equalled her presence of mind , glided on before me , and presently we came up with jo , just short of the brick kiln . i think he must have begun his journey with some small bundle under his arm and must have had it stolen or lost it . for he still carried his wretched fragment of fur cap like a bundle , though he went bare headed through the rain , which now fell fast . he stopped when we called to him and again showed a dread of me when i came up , standing with his lustrous eyes fixed upon me , and even arrested in his shivering fit . i asked him to come with us , and we would take care that he had some shelter for the night . i dont want no shelter , he said i can lay amongst the warm bricks . but dont you know that people die there . replied charley . they dies everywheres , said the boy . they dies in their lodgings  knows where i showed her  they dies down in tom all in heaps . they dies more than they lives , according to what i see . then he hoarsely whispered charley , if she aint the tother one , she aint the forrenner . is there three of em then . charley looked at me a little frightened . i felt half frightened at myself when the boy glared on me so . but he turned and followed when i beckoned to him , and finding that he acknowledged that influence in me , i led the way straight home . it was not far , only at the summit of the hill . we passed but one man . i doubted if we should have got home without assistance , the boys steps were so uncertain and tremulous . he made no complaint , however , and was strangely unconcerned about himself , if i may say so strange a thing . leaving him in the hall for a moment , shrunk into the corner of the window seat and staring with an indifference that scarcely could be called wonder at the comfort and brightness about him , i went into the drawing room to speak to my guardian . there i found mr . skimpole , who had come down by the coach , as he frequently did without notice , and never bringing any clothes with him , but always borrowing everything he wanted . they came out with me directly to look at the boy . the servants had gathered in the hall too , and he shivered in the window seat with charley standing by him , like some wounded animal that had been found in a ditch . this is a sorrowful case , said my guardian after asking him a question or two and touching him and examining his eyes . what do you say , harold . you had better turn him out , said mr . skimpole . what do you mean . inquired my guardian , almost sternly . my dear jarndyce , said mr . skimpole , you know what i am i am a child . be cross to me if i deserve it . but i have a constitutional objection to this sort of thing . i always had , when i was a medical man . hes not safe , you know . theres a very bad sort of fever about him . mr . skimpole had retreated from the hall to the drawing room again and said this in his airy way , seated on the music stool as we stood by . youll say its childish , observed mr . skimpole , looking gaily at us . well , i dare say it may be but i am a child , and i never pretend to be anything else . if you put him out in the road , you only put him where he was before . he will be no worse off than he was , you know . even make him better off , if you like . give him sixpence , or five shillings , or five pound ten  are arithmeticians , and i am not  get rid of him . and what is he to do then . asked my guardian . upon my life , said mr . skimpole , shrugging his shoulders with his engaging smile , i have not the least idea what he is to do then . but i have no doubt hell do it . now , is it not a horrible reflection , said my guardian , to whom i had hastily explained the unavailing efforts of the two women , is it not a horrible reflection , walking up and down and rumpling his hair , that if this wretched creature were a convicted prisoner , his hospital would be wide open to him , and he would be as well taken care of as any sick boy in the kingdom . my dear jarndyce , returned mr . skimpole , youll pardon the simplicity of the question , coming as it does from a creature who is perfectly simple in worldly matters , but why isnt he a prisoner then . my guardian stopped and looked at him with a whimsical mixture of amusement and indignation in his face . our young friend is not to be suspected of any delicacy , i should imagine , said mr . skimpole , unabashed and candid . it seems to me that it would be wiser , as well as in a certain kind of way more respectable , if he showed some misdirected energy that got him into prison . there would be more of an adventurous spirit in it , and consequently more of a certain sort of poetry . i believe , returned my guardian , resuming his uneasy walk , that there is not such another child on earth as yourself . do you really . said mr . skimpole . i dare say . but i confess i dont see why our young friend , in his degree , should not seek to invest himself with such poetry as is open to him . he is no doubt born with an appetite  , when he is in a safer state of health , he has an excellent appetite . very well . at our young friends natural dinner hour , most likely about noon , our young friend says in effect to society , i am hungry will you have the goodness to produce your spoon and feed me . society , which has taken upon itself the general arrangement of the whole system of spoons and professes to have a spoon for our young friend , does not produce that spoon and our young friend , therefore , says you really must excuse me if i seize it . now , this appears to me a case of misdirected energy , which has a certain amount of reason in it and a certain amount of romance and i dont know but what i should be more interested in our young friend , as an illustration of such a case , than merely as a poor vagabond  any one can be . in the meantime , i ventured to observe , he is getting worse . in the meantime , said mr . skimpole cheerfully , as miss summerson , with her practical good sense , observes , he is getting worse . therefore i recommend your turning him out before he gets still worse . the amiable face with which he said it , i think i shall never forget . of course , little woman , observed my guardian , turning to me , i can ensure his admission into the proper place by merely going there to enforce it , though its a bad state of things when , in his condition , that is necessary . but its growing late , and is a very bad night , and the boy is worn out already . there is a bed in the wholesome loft room by the stable we had better keep him there till morning , when he can be wrapped up and removed . well do that . oh . said mr . skimpole , with his hands upon the keys of the piano as we moved away . are you going back to our young friend . yes , said my guardian . how i envy you your constitution , jarndyce . returned mr . skimpole with playful admiration . you dont mind these things neither does miss summerson . you are ready at all times to go anywhere , and do anything . such is will . i have no will at all  no wont  cant . you cant recommend anything for the boy , i suppose . said my guardian , looking back over his shoulder half angrily only half angrily , for he never seemed to consider mr . skimpole an accountable being . my dear jarndyce , i observed a bottle of cooling medicine in his pocket , and its impossible for him to do better than take it . you can tell them to sprinkle a little vinegar about the place where he sleeps and to keep it moderately cool and him moderately warm . but it is mere impertinence in me to offer any recommendation . miss summerson has such a knowledge of detail and such a capacity for the administration of detail that she knows all about it . we went back into the hall and explained to jo what we proposed to do , which charley explained to him again and which he received with the languid unconcern i had already noticed , wearily looking on at what was done as if it were for somebody else . the servants compassionating his miserable state and being very anxious to help , we soon got the loft room ready and some of the men about the house carried him across the wet yard , well wrapped up . it was pleasant to observe how kind they were to him and how there appeared to be a general impression among them that frequently calling him old chap was likely to revive his spirits . charley directed the operations and went to and fro between the loft room and the house with such little stimulants and comforts as we thought it safe to give him . my guardian himself saw him before he was left for the night and reported to me when he returned to the growlery to write a letter on the boys behalf , which a messenger was charged to deliver at day light in the morning , that he seemed easier and inclined to sleep . they had fastened his door on the outside , he said , in case of his being delirious , but had so arranged that he could not make any noise without being heard . ada being in our room with a cold , mr . skimpole was left alone all this time and entertained himself by playing snatches of pathetic airs and sometimes singing to them with great expression and feeling . when we rejoined him in the drawing room he said he would give us a little ballad which had come into his head apropos of our young friend , and he sang one about a peasant boy , thrown on the wide world , doomed to wander and roam , bereft of his parents , bereft of a home . quite exquisitely . it was a song that always made him cry , he told us . he was extremely gay all the rest of the evening , for he absolutely chirped  were his delighted words  he thought by what a happy talent for business he was surrounded . he gave us , in his glass of negus , better health to our young friend . and supposed and gaily pursued the case of his being reserved like whittington to become lord mayor of london . in that event , no doubt , he would establish the jarndyce institution and the summerson almshouses , and a little annual corporation pilgrimage to st . albans . he had no doubt , he said , that our young friend was an excellent boy in his way , but his way was not the harold skimpole way what harold skimpole was , harold skimpole had found himself , to his considerable surprise , when he first made his own acquaintance he had accepted himself with all his failings and had thought it sound philosophy to make the best of the bargain and he hoped we would do the same . charleys last report was that the boy was quiet . i could see , from my window , the lantern they had left him burning quietly and i went to bed very happy to think that he was sheltered . there was more movement and more talking than usual a little before daybreak , and it awoke me . as i was dressing , i looked out of my window and asked one of our men who had been among the active sympathizers last night whether there was anything wrong about the house . the lantern was still burning in the loft window . its the boy , miss , said he . is he worse . i inquired . gone , miss . dead . dead , miss . no . gone clean off . at what time of the night he had gone , or how , or why , it seemed hopeless ever to divine . the door remaining as it had been left , and the lantern standing in the window , it could only be supposed that he had got out by a trap in the floor which communicated with an empty cart house below . but he had shut it down again , if that were so and it looked as if it had not been raised . nothing of any kind was missing . on this fact being clearly ascertained , we all yielded to the painful belief that delirium had come upon him in the night and that , allured by some imaginary object or pursued by some imaginary horror , he had strayed away in that worse than helpless state all of us , that is to say , but mr . skimpole , who repeatedly suggested , in his usual easy light style , that it had occurred to our young friend that he was not a safe inmate , having a bad kind of fever upon him , and that he had with great natural politeness taken himself off . every possible inquiry was made , and every place was searched . the brick kilns were examined , the cottages were visited , the two women were particularly questioned , but they knew nothing of him , and nobody could doubt that their wonder was genuine . the weather had for some time been too wet and the night itself had been too wet to admit of any tracing by footsteps . hedge and ditch , and wall , and rick and stack , were examined by our men for a long distance round , lest the boy should be lying in such a place insensible or dead but nothing was seen to indicate that he had ever been near . from the time when he was left in the loft room, , he vanished . the search continued for five days . i do not mean that it ceased even then , but that my attention was then diverted into a current very memorable to me . as charley was at her writing again in my room in the evening , and as i sat opposite to her at work , i felt the table tremble . looking up , i saw my little maid shivering from head to foot . charley , said i , are you so cold . i think i am , miss , she replied . i dont know what it is . i cant hold myself still . i felt so yesterday at about this same time , miss . dont be uneasy , i think im ill . i heard adas voice outside , and i hurried to the door of communication between my room and our pretty sitting room, , and locked it . just in time , for she tapped at it while my hand was yet upon the key . ada called to me to let her in , but i said , not now , my dearest . go away . theres nothing the matter i will come to you presently . ah . it was a long , time before my darling girl and i were companions again . charley fell ill . in twelve hours she was very ill . i moved her to my room , and laid her in my bed , and sat down quietly to nurse her . i told my guardian all about it , and why i felt it was necessary that i should seclude myself , and my reason for not seeing my darling above all . at first she came very often to the door , and called to me , and even reproached me with sobs and tears but i wrote her a long letter saying that she made me anxious and unhappy and imploring her , as she loved me and wished my mind to be at peace , to come no nearer than the garden . after that she came beneath the window even oftener than she had come to the door , and if i had learnt to love her dear sweet voice before when we were hardly ever apart , how did i learn to love it then , when i stood behind the window curtain listening and replying , but not so much as looking out . how did i learn to love it afterwards , when the harder time came . they put a bed for me in our sitting room and by keeping the door wide open , i turned the two rooms into one , now that ada had vacated that part of the house , and kept them always fresh and airy . there was not a servant in or about the house but was so good that they would all most gladly have come to me at any hour of the day or night without the least fear or unwillingness , but i thought it best to choose one worthy woman who was never to see ada and whom i could trust to come and go with all precaution . through her means i got out to take the air with my guardian when there was no fear of meeting ada , and wanted for nothing in the way of attendance , any more than in any other respect . and thus poor charley sickened and grew worse , and fell into heavy danger of death , and lay severely ill for many a long round of day and night . so patient she was , so uncomplaining , and inspired by such a gentle fortitude that very often as i sat by charley holding her head in my arms  would come to her , so , when it would come to her in no other attitude  silently prayed to our father in heaven that i might not forget the lesson which this little sister taught me . i was very sorrowful to think that charleys pretty looks would change and be disfigured , even if she recovered  was such a child with her dimpled face  that thought was , for the greater part , lost in her greater peril . when she was at the worst , and her mind rambled again to the cares of her fathers sick bed and the little children , she still knew me so far as that she would be quiet in my arms when she could lie quiet nowhere else , and murmur out the wanderings of her mind less restlessly . at those times i used to think , how should i ever tell the two remaining babies that the baby who had learned of her faithful heart to be a mother to them in their need was dead . there were other times when charley knew me well and talked to me , telling me that she sent her love to tom and emma and that she was sure tom would grow up to be a good man . at those times charley would speak to me of what she had read to her father as well as she could to comfort him , of that young man carried out to be buried who was the only son of his mother and she was a widow , of the rulers daughter raised up by the gracious hand upon her bed of death . and charley told me that when her father died she had kneeled down and prayed in her first sorrow that he likewise might be raised up and given back to his poor children , and that if she should never get better and should die too , she thought it likely that it might come into toms mind to offer the same prayer for her . then would i show tom how these people of old days had been brought back to life on earth , only that we might know our hope to be restored to heaven . but of all the various times there were in charleys illness , there was not one when she lost the gentle qualities i have spoken of . and there were many , when i thought in the night of the last high belief in the watching angel , and the last higher trust in god , on the part of her poor despised father . and charley did not die . she flutteringly and slowly turned the dangerous point , after long lingering there , and then began to mend . the hope that never had been given , from the first , of charley being in outward appearance charley any more soon began to be encouraged and even that prospered , and i saw her growing into her old childish likeness again . it was a great morning when i could tell ada all this as she stood out in the garden and it was a great evening when charley and i at last took tea together in the next room . but on that same evening , i felt that i was stricken cold . happily for both of us , it was not until charley was safe in bed again and placidly asleep that i began to think the contagion of her illness was upon me . i had been able easily to hide what i felt at tea time, , but i was past that already now , and i knew that i was rapidly following in charleys steps . i was well enough , however , to be up early in the morning , and to return my darlings cheerful blessing from the garden , and to talk with her as long as usual . but i was not free from an impression that i had been walking about the two rooms in the night , a little beside myself , though knowing where i was and i felt confused at times  a curious sense of fullness , as if i were becoming too large altogether . in the evening i was so much worse that i resolved to prepare charley , with which view i said , youre getting quite strong , charley , are you not . oh , quite . said charley . strong enough to be told a secret , i think , charley . quite strong enough for that , miss . cried charley . but charleys face fell in the height of her delight , for she saw the secret in my face and she came out of the great chair , and fell upon my bosom , and said oh , miss , its my doing . its my doing . and a great deal more out of the fullness of her grateful heart . now , charley , said i after letting her go on for a little while , if i am to be ill , my great trust , humanly speaking , is in you . and unless you are as quiet and composed for me as you always were for yourself , you can never fulfil it , charley . if youll let me cry a little longer , miss , said charley . oh , my dear , my dear . if youll only let me cry a little longer . oh , my dear . affectionately and devotedly she poured this out as she clung to my neck , i never can remember without tears  be good . so i let charley cry a little longer , and it did us both good . trust in me now , if you please , miss , said charley quietly . i am listening to everything you say . its very little at present , charley . i shall tell your doctor to night that i dont think i am well and that you are going to nurse me . for that the poor child thanked me with her whole heart . and in the morning , when you hear miss ada in the garden , if i should not be quite able to go to the window curtain as usual , do you go , charley , and say i am asleep  i have rather tired myself , and am asleep . at all times keep the room as i have kept it , charley , and let no one come . charley promised , and i lay down , for i was very heavy . i saw the doctor that night and asked the favour of him that i wished to ask relative to his saying nothing of my illness in the house as yet . i have a very indistinct remembrance of that night melting into day , and of day melting into night again but i was just able on the first morning to get to the window and speak to my darling . on the second morning i heard her dear voice  , how dear now . and i asked charley , with some difficulty speech being painful to me , to go and say i was asleep . i heard her answer softly , dont disturb her , charley , for the world . how does my own pride look , charley . i inquired . disappointed , miss , said charley , peeping through the curtain . but i know she is very beautiful this morning . she is indeed , miss , answered charley , peeping . still looking up at the window . with her blue clear eyes , god bless them , always loveliest when raised like that . i called charley to me and gave her last charge . now , charley , when she knows i am ill , she will try to make her way into the room . keep her out , charley , if you love me truly , to the last . charley , if you let her in but once , only to look upon me for one moment as i lie here , i shall die . i never will . i never will . she promised me . i believe it , my dear charley . and now come and sit beside me for a little while , and touch me with your hand . for i cannot see you , charley i am blind . chapter xxxii the appointed time it is night in lincolns inn  and troublous valley of the shadow of the law , where suitors generally find but little day  fat candles are snuffed out in offices , and clerks have rattled down the crazy wooden stairs and dispersed . the bell that rings at nine oclock has ceased its doleful clangour about nothing the gates are shut and the night porter, , a solemn warder with a mighty power of sleep , keeps guard in his lodge . from tiers of staircase windows clogged lamps like the eyes of equity , bleared argus with a fathomless pocket for every eye and an eye upon it , dimly blink at the stars . in dirty upper casements , here and there , hazy little patches of candlelight reveal where some wise draughtsman and conveyancer yet toils for the entanglement of real estate in meshes of sheep skin, , in the average ratio of about a dozen of sheep to an acre of land . over which bee like industry these benefactors of their species linger yet , though office hours be past , that they may give , for every day , some good account at last . in the neighbouring court , where the lord chancellor of the rag and bottle shop dwells , there is a general tendency towards beer and supper . mrs . piper and mrs . perkins , whose respective sons , engaged with a circle of acquaintance in the game of hide and seek , have been lying in ambush about the by ways of chancery lane for some hours and scouring the plain of the same thoroughfare to the confusion of passengers  . piper and mrs . perkins have but now exchanged congratulations on the children being abed , and they still linger on a door step over a few parting words . mr . krook and his lodger , and the fact of mr . krooks being continually in liquor , and the testamentary prospects of the young man are , as usual , the staple of their conversation . but they have something to say , likewise , of the harmonic meeting at the sols arms , where the sound of the piano through the partly opened windows jingles out into the court , and where little swills , after keeping the lovers of harmony in a roar like a very yorick , may now be heard taking the gruff line in a concerted piece and sentimentally adjuring his friends and patrons to listen , tew the wa ter fall . mrs . perkins and mrs . piper compare opinions on the subject of the young lady of professional celebrity who assists at the harmonic meetings and who has a space to herself in the manuscript announcement in the window , mrs . perkins possessing information that she has been married a year and a half , though announced as miss m . melvilleson , the noted siren , and that her baby is clandestinely conveyed to the sols arms every night to receive its natural nourishment during the entertainments . sooner than which , myself , says mrs . perkins , i would get my living by selling lucifers . mrs . piper , as in duty bound , is of the same opinion , holding that a private station is better than public applause , and thanking heaven for her own and , by implication , mrs . perkins respectability . by this time the pot boy of the sols arms appearing with her supper pint well frothed , mrs . piper accepts that tankard and retires indoors , first giving a fair good night to mrs . perkins , who has had her own pint in her hand ever since it was fetched from the same hostelry by young perkins before he was sent to bed . now there is a sound of putting up shop shutters in the court and a smell as of the smoking of pipes and shooting stars are seen in upper windows , further indicating retirement to rest . now , too , the policeman begins to push at doors to try fastenings to be suspicious of bundles and to administer his beat , on the hypothesis that every one is either robbing or being robbed . it is a close night , though the damp cold is searching too , and there is a laggard mist a little way up in the air . it is a fine steaming night to turn the slaughter houses, , the unwholesome trades , the sewerage , bad water , and burial grounds to account , and give the registrar of deaths some extra business . it may be something in the air  is plenty in it  may be something in himself that is in fault but mr . weevle , otherwise jobling , is very ill at ease . he comes and goes between his own room and the open street door twenty times an hour . he has been doing so ever since it fell dark . since the chancellor shut up his shop , which he did very early to night, , mr . weevle has been down and up , and down and up with a cheap tight velvet skull cap on his head , making his whiskers look out of all proportion , oftener than before . it is no phenomenon that mr . snagsby should be ill at ease too , for he always is so , more or less , under the oppressive influence of the secret that is upon him . impelled by the mystery of which he is a partaker and yet in which he is not a sharer , mr . snagsby haunts what seems to be its fountain head rag and bottle shop in the court . it has an irresistible attraction for him . even now , coming round by the sols arms with the intention of passing down the court , and out at the chancery lane end , and so terminating his unpremeditated after supper stroll of ten minutes long from his own door and back again , mr . snagsby approaches . what , mr . weevle . says the stationer , stopping to speak . are you there . aye . says weevle , here i am , mr . snagsby . airing yourself , as i am doing , before you go to bed . the stationer inquires . why , theres not much air to be got here and what there is , not very freshening , weevle answers , glancing up and down the court . very true , sir . dont you observe , says mr . snagsby , pausing to sniff and taste the air a little , dont you observe , mr . weevle , that youre  to put too fine a point upon it  youre rather greasy here , sir . why , i have noticed myself that there is a queer kind of flavour in the place to night, , mr . weevle rejoins . i suppose its chops at the sols arms . chops , do you think . oh . chops , eh . mr . snagsby sniffs and tastes again . well , sir , i suppose it is . but i should say their cook at the sol wanted a little looking after . she has been burning em , sir . and i dont think  . snagsby sniffs and tastes again and then spits and wipes his mouth  dont think  to put too fine a point upon it  they were quite fresh when they were shown the gridiron . thats very likely . its a tainting sort of weather . it is a tainting sort of weather , says mr . snagsby , and i find it sinking to the spirits . by george . i find it gives me the horrors , returns mr . weevle . then , you see , you live in a lonesome way , and in a lonesome room , with a black circumstance hanging over it , says mr . snagsby , looking in past the others shoulder along the dark passage and then falling back a step to look up at the house . i couldnt live in that room alone , as you do , sir . i should get so fidgety and worried of an evening , sometimes , that i should be driven to come to the door and stand here sooner than sit there . but then its very true that you didnt see , in your room , what i saw there . that makes a difference . i know quite enough about it , returns tony . its not agreeable , is it . pursues mr . snagsby , coughing his cough of mild persuasion behind his hand . mr . krook ought to consider it in the rent . i hope he does , i am sure . i hope he does , says tony . but i doubt it . you find the rent too high , do you , sir . returns the stationer . rents are high about here . i dont know how it is exactly , but the law seems to put things up in price . not , adds mr . snagsby with his apologetic cough , that i mean to say a word against the profession i get my living by . mr . weevle again glances up and down the court and then looks at the stationer . mr . snagsby , blankly catching his eye , looks upward for a star or so and coughs a cough expressive of not exactly seeing his way out of this conversation . its a curious fact , sir , he observes , slowly rubbing his hands , that he should have been  whos he . interrupts mr . weevle . the deceased , you know , says mr . snagsby , twitching his head and right eyebrow towards the staircase and tapping his acquaintance on the button . ah , to be sure . returns the other as if he were not over fond of the subject . i thought we had done with him . i was only going to say its a curious fact , sir , that he should have come and lived here , and been one of my writers , and then that you should come and live here , and be one of my writers too . which there is nothing derogatory , but far from it in the appellation , says mr . snagsby , breaking off with a mistrust that he may have unpolitely asserted a kind of proprietorship in mr . weevle , because i have known writers that have gone into brewers houses and done really very respectable indeed . eminently respectable , sir , adds mr . snagsby with a misgiving that he has not improved the matter . its a curious coincidence , as you say , answers weevle , once more glancing up and down the court . seems a fate in it , dont there . suggests the stationer . there does . just so , observes the stationer with his confirmatory cough . quite a fate in it . quite a fate . well , mr . weevle , i am afraid i must bid you good night  . snagsby speaks as if it made him desolate to go , though he has been casting about for any means of escape ever since he stopped to speak  little woman will be looking for me else . good night , sir . if mr . snagsby hastens home to save his little woman the trouble of looking for him , he might set his mind at rest on that score . his little woman has had her eye upon him round the sols arms all this time and now glides after him with a pocket handkerchief wrapped over her head , honouring mr . weevle and his doorway with a searching glance as she goes past . youll know me again , maam , at all events , says mr . weevle to himself and i cant compliment you on your appearance , whoever you are , with your head tied up in a bundle . is this fellow never coming . this fellow approaches as he speaks . mr . weevle softly holds up his finger , and draws him into the passage , and closes the street door . then they go upstairs , mr . weevle heavily , and mr . guppy for it is he very lightly indeed . when they are shut into the back room , they speak low . i thought you had gone to jericho at least instead of coming here , says tony . why , i said about ten . you said about ten , tony repeats . yes , so you did say about ten . but according to my count , its ten times ten  a hundred oclock . i never had such a night in my life . what has been the matter . thats it . says tony . nothing has been the matter . but here have i been stewing and fuming in this jolly old crib till i have had the horrors falling on me as thick as hail . theres a blessed looking candle . says tony , pointing to the heavily burning taper on his table with a great cabbage head and a long winding sheet . thats easily improved , mr . guppy observes as he takes the snuffers in hand . is it . returns his friend . not so easily as you think . it has been smouldering like that ever since it was lighted . why , whats the matter with you , tony . inquires mr . guppy , looking at him , snuffers in hand , as he sits down with his elbow on the table . william guppy , replies the other , i am in the downs . its this unbearably dull , suicidal room  old boguey downstairs , i suppose . mr . weevle moodily pushes the snuffers tray from him with his elbow , leans his head on his hand , puts his feet on the fender , and looks at the fire . mr . guppy , observing him , slightly tosses his head and sits down on the other side of the table in an easy attitude . wasnt that snagsby talking to you , tony . yes , and he  , it was snagsby , said mr . weevle , altering the construction of his sentence . on business . no . no business . he was only sauntering by and stopped to prose . i thought it was snagsby , says mr . guppy , and thought it as well that he shouldnt see me , so i waited till he was gone . there we go again , william g .  . cried tony , looking up for an instant . so mysterious and secret . by george , if we were going to commit a murder , we couldnt have more mystery about it . mr . guppy affects to smile , and with the view of changing the conversation , looks with an admiration , real or pretended , round the room at the galaxy gallery of british beauty , terminating his survey with the portrait of lady dedlock over the mantelshelf , in which she is represented on a terrace , with a pedestal upon the terrace , and a vase upon the pedestal , and her shawl upon the vase , and a prodigious piece of fur upon the shawl , and her arm on the prodigious piece of fur , and a bracelet on her arm . thats very like lady dedlock , says mr . guppy . its a speaking likeness . i wish it was , growls tony , without changing his position . i should have some fashionable conversation , here , then . finding by this time that his friend is not to be wheedled into a more sociable humour , mr . guppy puts about upon the ill used tack and remonstrates with him . tony , says he , i can make allowances for lowness of spirits , for no man knows what it is when it does come upon a man better than i do , and no man perhaps has a better right to know it than a man who has an unrequited image imprinted on his eart . but there are bounds to these things when an unoffending party is in question , and i will acknowledge to you , tony , that i dont think your manner on the present occasion is hospitable or quite gentlemanly . this is strong language , william guppy , returns mr . weevle . sir , it may be , retorts mr . william guppy , but i feel strongly when i use it . mr . weevle admits that he has been wrong and begs mr . william guppy to think no more about it . mr . william guppy , however , having got the advantage , cannot quite release it without a little more injured remonstrance . no . dash it , tony , says that gentleman , you really ought to be careful how you wound the feelings of a man who has an unrequited image imprinted on his eart and who is not altogether happy in those chords which vibrate to the tenderest emotions . you , tony , possess in yourself all that is calculated to charm the eye and allure the taste . it is not  for you , perhaps , and i may wish that i could say the same  is not your character to hover around one flower . the ole garden is open to you , and your airy pinions carry you through it . still , tony , far be it from me , i am sure , to wound even your feelings without a cause . tony again entreats that the subject may be no longer pursued , saying emphatically , william guppy , drop it . mr . guppy acquiesces , with the reply , i never should have taken it up , tony , of my own accord . and now , says tony , stirring the fire , touching this same bundle of letters . isnt it an extraordinary thing of krook to have appointed twelve oclock to night hand em over to me . very . what did he do it for . what does he do anything for . he dont know . said to day was his birthday and hed hand em over to night at twelve oclock . hell have drunk himself blind by that time . he has been at it all day . he hasnt forgotten the appointment , i hope . forgotten . trust him for that . he never forgets anything . i saw him to night, , about eight  him to shut up his shop  he had got the letters then in his hairy cap . he pulled it off and showed em me . when the shop was closed , he took them out of his cap , hung his cap on the chair back, , and stood turning them over before the fire . i heard him a little while afterwards , through the floor here , humming like the wind , the only song he knows  bibo , and old charon , and bibo being drunk when he died , or something or other . he has been as quiet since as an old rat asleep in his hole . and you are to go down at twelve . at twelve . and as i tell you , when you came it seemed to me a hundred . tony , says mr . guppy after considering a little with his legs crossed , he cant read yet , can he . read . hell never read . he can make all the letters separately , and he knows most of them separately when he sees them he has got on that much , under me but he cant put them together . hes too old to acquire the knack of it now  too drunk . tony , says mr . guppy , uncrossing and recrossing his legs , how do you suppose he spelt out that name of hawdon . he never spelt it out . you know what a curious power of eye he has and how he has been used to employ himself in copying things by eye alone . he imitated it , evidently from the direction of a letter , and asked me what it meant . tony , says mr . guppy , uncrossing and recrossing his legs again , should you say that the original was a mans writing or a womans . a womans . fifty to one a ladys  a good deal , and the end of the letter n , long and hasty . mr . guppy has been biting his thumb nail during this dialogue , generally changing the thumb when he has changed the cross leg . as he is going to do so again , he happens to look at his coat sleeve . it takes his attention . he stares at it , aghast . why , tony , what on earth is going on in this house to night . is there a chimney on fire . chimney on fire . ah . returns mr . guppy . see how the soots falling . see here , on my arm . see again , on the table here . confound the stuff , it wont blow off  like black fat . they look at one another , and tony goes listening to the door , and a little way upstairs , and a little way downstairs . comes back and says its all right and all quiet , and quotes the remark he lately made to mr . snagsby about their cooking chops at the sols arms . and it was then , resumes mr . guppy , still glancing with remarkable aversion at the coat sleeve, , as they pursue their conversation before the fire , leaning on opposite sides of the table , with their heads very near together , that he told you of his having taken the bundle of letters from his lodgers portmanteau . that was the time , sir , answers tony , faintly adjusting his whiskers . whereupon i wrote a line to my dear boy , the honourable william guppy , informing him of the appointment for to night and advising him not to call before , boguey being a slyboots . the light vivacious tone of fashionable life which is usually assumed by mr . weevle sits so ill upon him to night that he abandons that and his whiskers together , and after looking over his shoulder , appears to yield himself up a prey to the horrors again . you are to bring the letters to your room to read and compare , and to get yourself into a position to tell him all about them . thats the arrangement , isnt it , tony . asks mr . guppy , anxiously biting his thumb nail . you cant speak too low . yes . thats what he and i agreed . i tell you what , tony  you cant speak too low , says tony once more . mr . guppy nods his sagacious head , advances it yet closer , and drops into a whisper . i tell you what . the first thing to be done is to make another packet like the real one so that if he should ask to see the real one while its in my possession , you can show him the dummy . and suppose he detects the dummy as soon as he sees it , which with his biting screw of an eye is about five hundred times more likely than not , suggests tony . then well face it out . they dont belong to him , and they never did . you found that , and you placed them in my hands  legal friend of yours  security . if he forces us to it , theyll be producible , wont they . ye es, , is mr . weevles reluctant admission . why , tony , remonstrates his friend , how you look . you dont doubt william guppy . you dont suspect any harm . i dont suspect anything more than i know , william , returns the other gravely . and what do you know . urges mr . guppy , raising his voice a little but on his friends once more warning him , i tell you , cant speak too low , he repeats his question without any sound at all , forming with his lips only the words , what do you know . i know three things . first , i know that here we are whispering in secrecy , a pair of conspirators . well . says mr . guppy . and we had better be that than a pair of noodles , which we should be if we were doing anything else , for its the only way of doing what we want to do . secondly . secondly , its not made out to me how its likely to be profitable , after all . mr . guppy casts up his eyes at the portrait of lady dedlock over the mantelshelf and replies , tony , you are asked to leave that to the honour of your friend . besides its being calculated to serve that friend in those chords of the human mind which  need not be called into agonizing vibration on the present occasion  friend is no fool . whats that . its eleven oclock striking by the bell of saint pauls . listen and youll hear all the bells in the city jangling . both sit silent , listening to the metal voices , near and distant , resounding from towers of various heights , in tones more various than their situations . when these at length cease , all seems more mysterious and quiet than before . one disagreeable result of whispering is that it seems to evoke an atmosphere of silence , haunted by the ghosts of sound  cracks and tickings , the rustling of garments that have no substance in them , and the tread of dreadful feet that would leave no mark on the sea sand or the winter snow . so sensitive the two friends happen to be that the air is full of these phantoms , and the two look over their shoulders by one consent to see that the door is shut . yes , tony . says mr . guppy , drawing nearer to the fire and biting his unsteady thumb nail . you were going to say , thirdly . its far from a pleasant thing to be plotting about a dead man in the room where he died , especially when you happen to live in it . but we are plotting nothing against him , tony . may be not , still i dont like it . live here by yourself and see how you like it . as to dead men , tony , proceeds mr . guppy , evading this proposal , there have been dead men in most rooms . i know there have , but in most rooms you let them alone , and  they let you alone , tony answers . the two look at each other again . mr . guppy makes a hurried remark to the effect that they may be doing the deceased a service , that he hopes so . there is an oppressive blank until mr . weevle , by stirring the fire suddenly , makes mr . guppy start as if his heart had been stirred instead . fah . heres more of this hateful soot hanging about , says he . let us open the window a bit and get a mouthful of air . its too close . he raises the sash , and they both rest on the window sill, , half in and half out of the room . the neighbouring houses are too near to admit of their seeing any sky without craning their necks and looking up , but lights in frowsy windows here and there , and the rolling of distant carriages , and the new expression that there is of the stir of men , they find to be comfortable . mr . guppy , noiselessly tapping on the window sill, , resumes his whispering in quite a light comedy tone . by the by , tony , dont forget old smallweed , meaning the younger of that name . i have not let him into this , you know . that grandfather of his is too keen by half . it runs in the family . i remember , says tony . i am up to all that . and as to krook , resumes mr . guppy . now , do you suppose he really has got hold of any other papers of importance , as he has boasted to you , since you have been such allies . tony shakes his head . i dont know . cant imagine . if we get through this business without rousing his suspicions , i shall be better informed , no doubt . how can i know without seeing them , when he dont know himself . he is always spelling out words from them , and chalking them over the table and the shop wall, , and asking what this is and what that is but his whole stock from beginning to end may easily be the waste paper he bought it as , for anything i can say . its a monomania with him to think he is possessed of documents . he has been going to learn to read them this last quarter of a century , i should judge , from what he tells me . how did he first come by that idea , though . thats the question , mr . guppy suggests with one eye shut , after a little forensic meditation . he may have found papers in something he bought , where papers were not supposed to be , and may have got it into his shrewd head from the manner and place of their concealment that they are worth something . or he may have been taken in , some pretended bargain . or he may have been muddled altogether by long staring at whatever he has got , and by drink , and by hanging about the lord chancellors court and hearing of documents for ever , returns mr . weevle . mr . guppy sitting on the window sill, , nodding his head and balancing all these possibilities in his mind , continues thoughtfully to tap it , and clasp it , and measure it with his hand , until he hastily draws his hand away . what , in the devils name , he says , is this . look at my fingers . a thick , yellow liquor defiles them , which is offensive to the touch and sight and more offensive to the smell . a stagnant , sickening oil with some natural repulsion in it that makes them both shudder . what have you been doing here . what have you been pouring out of window . i pouring out of window . nothing , i swear . never , since i have been here . cries the lodger . and yet look here  look here . when he brings the candle here , from the corner of the window sill, , it slowly drips and creeps away down the bricks , here lies in a little thick nauseous pool . this is a horrible house , says mr . guppy , shutting down the window . give me some water or i shall cut my hand off . he so washes , and rubs , and scrubs , and smells , and washes , that he has not long restored himself with a glass of brandy and stood silently before the fire when saint pauls bell strikes twelve and all those other bells strike twelve from their towers of various heights in the dark air , and in their many tones . when all is quiet again , the lodger says , its the appointed time at last . shall i go . mr . guppy nods and gives him a lucky touch on the back , but not with the washed hand , though it is his right hand . he goes downstairs , and mr . guppy tries to compose himself before the fire for waiting a long time . but in no more than a minute or two the stairs creak and tony comes swiftly back . have you got them . got them . no . the old mans not there . he has been so horribly frightened in the short interval that his terror seizes the other , who makes a rush at him and asks loudly , whats the matter . i couldnt make him hear , and i softly opened the door and looked in . and the burning smell is there  the soot is there , and the oil is there  he is not there . tony ends this with a groan . mr . guppy takes the light . they go down , more dead than alive , and holding one another , push open the door of the back shop . the cat has retreated close to it and stands snarling , not at them , at something on the ground before the fire . there is a very little fire left in the grate , but there is a smouldering , suffocating vapour in the room and a dark , greasy coating on the walls and ceiling . the chairs and table , and the bottle so rarely absent from the table , all stand as usual . on one chair back hang the old mans hairy cap and coat . look . whispers the lodger , pointing his friends attention to these objects with a trembling finger . i told you so . when i saw him last , he took his cap off , took out the little bundle of old letters , hung his cap on the back of the chair  coat was there already , for he had pulled that off before he went to put the shutters up  i left him turning the letters over in his hand , standing just where that crumbled black thing is upon the floor . is he hanging somewhere . they look up . no . see . whispers tony . at the foot of the same chair there lies a dirty bit of thin red cord that they tie up pens with . that went round the letters . he undid it slowly , leering and laughing at me , before he began to turn them over , and threw it there . i saw it fall . whats the matter with the cat . says mr . guppy . look at her . mad , i think . and no wonder in this evil place . they advance slowly , looking at all these things . the cat remains where they found her , still snarling at the something on the ground before the fire and between the two chairs . what is it . hold up the light . here is a small burnt patch of flooring here is the tinder from a little bundle of burnt paper , but not so light as usual , seeming to be steeped in something and here is  it the cinder of a small charred and broken log of wood sprinkled with white ashes , or is it coal . oh , horror , he is here . and this from which we run away , striking out the light and overturning one another into the street , is all that represents him . help , . come into this house for heavens sake . plenty will come in , but none can help . the lord chancellor of that court , true to his title in his last act , has died the death of all lord chancellors in all courts and of all authorities in all places under all names soever , where false pretences are made , and where injustice is done . call the death by any name your highness will , attribute it to whom you will , or say it might have been prevented how you will , it is the same death eternally  , inbred , engendered in the corrupted humours of the vicious body itself , and that only  combustion , and none other of all the deaths that can be died . chapter xxxiii interlopers now do those two gentlemen not very neat about the cuffs and buttons who attended the last coroners inquest at the sols arms reappear in the precincts with surprising swiftness being , in fact , breathlessly fetched by the active and intelligent beadle , and institute perquisitions through the court , and dive into the sols parlour , and write with ravenous little pens on tissue paper . now do they note down , in the watches of the night , how the neighbourhood of chancery lane was yesterday , at about midnight , thrown into a state of the most intense agitation and excitement by the following alarming and horrible discovery . now do they set forth how it will doubtless be remembered that some time back a painful sensation was created in the public mind by a case of mysterious death from opium occurring in the first floor of the house occupied as a rag , bottle , and general marine store shop , by an eccentric individual of intemperate habits , far advanced in life , named krook and how , by a remarkable coincidence , krook was examined at the inquest , which it may be recollected was held on that occasion at the sols arms , a well conducted tavern immediately adjoining the premises in question on the west side and licensed to a highly respectable landlord , mr . james george bogsby . now do they show how during some hours of yesterday evening a very peculiar smell was observed by the inhabitants of the court , in which the tragical occurrence which forms the subject of that present account transpired and which odour was at one time so powerful that mr . swills , a comic vocalist professionally engaged by mr . j . g . bogsby , has himself stated to our reporter that he mentioned to miss m . melvilleson , a lady of some pretensions to musical ability , likewise engaged by mr . j . g . bogsby to sing at a series of concerts called harmonic assemblies , or meetings , which it would appear are held at the sols arms under mr . bogsbys direction pursuant to the act of george the second , that he found his voice seriously affected by the impure state of the atmosphere , his jocose expression at the time being that he was like an empty post office, , for he hadnt a single note in him . how this account of mr . swills is entirely corroborated by two intelligent married females residing in the same court and known respectively by the names of mrs . piper and mrs . perkins , both of whom observed the foetid effluvia and regarded them as being emitted from the premises in the occupation of krook , the unfortunate deceased . all this and a great deal more the two gentlemen who have formed an amicable partnership in the melancholy catastrophe write down on the spot and the boy population of the court swarm up the shutters of the sols arms parlour , to behold the tops of their heads while they are about it . the whole court , adult as well as boy , is sleepless for that night , and can do nothing but wrap up its many heads , and talk of the ill fated house , and look at it . miss flite has been bravely rescued from her chamber , as if it were in flames , and accommodated with a bed at the sols arms . the sol neither turns off its gas nor shuts its door all night , for any kind of public excitement makes good for the sol and causes the court to stand in need of comfort . the house has not done so much in the stomachic article of cloves or in brandy and warm since the inquest . the moment the pot boy heard what had happened , he rolled up his shirt sleeves tight to his shoulders and said , therell be a run upon us . in the first outcry , young piper dashed off for the fire engines and returned in triumph at a jolting gallop perched up aloft on the phoenix and holding on to that fabulous creature with all his might in the midst of helmets and torches . one helmet remains behind after careful investigation of all chinks and crannies and slowly paces up and down before the house in company with one of the two policemen who have likewise been left in charge thereof . to this trio everybody in the court possessed of sixpence has an insatiate desire to exhibit hospitality in a liquid form . mr . weevle and his friend mr . guppy are within the bar at the sol and are worth anything to the sol that the bar contains if they will only stay there . this is not a time , says mr . bogsby , to haggle about money , though he looks something sharply after it , over the counter give your orders , you two gentlemen , and youre welcome to whatever you put a name to . thus entreated , the two gentlemen put names to so many things that in course of time they find it difficult to put a name to anything quite distinctly , though they still relate to all new comers some version of the night they have had of it , and of what they said , and what they thought , and what they saw . meanwhile , one or other of the policemen often flits about the door , and pushing it open a little way at the full length of his arm , looks in from outer gloom . not that he has any suspicions , but that he may as well know what they are up to in there . thus night pursues its leaden course , finding the court still out of bed through the unwonted hours , still treating and being treated , still conducting itself similarly to a court that has had a little money left it unexpectedly . thus night at length with slow retreating steps departs , and the lamp lighter going his rounds , like an executioner to a despotic king , strikes off the little heads of fire that have aspired to lessen the darkness . thus the day cometh , whether or no . and the day may discern , even with its dim london eye , that the court has been up all night . over and above the faces that have fallen drowsily on tables and the heels that lie prone on hard floors instead of beds , the brick and mortar physiognomy of the very court itself looks worn and jaded . and now the neighbourhood , waking up and beginning to hear of what has happened , comes streaming in , half dressed , to ask questions and the two policemen and the helmet who are far less impressible externally than the court have enough to do to keep the door . good gracious , gentlemen . says mr . snagsby , coming up . whats this i hear . why , its true , returns one of the policemen . thats what it is . now move on here , come . why , good gracious , gentlemen , says mr . snagsby , somewhat promptly backed away , i was at this door last night betwixt ten and eleven oclock in conversation with the young man who lodges here . indeed . returns the policeman . you will find the young man next door then . now move on here , some of you . not hurt , i hope . says mr . snagsby . hurt . no . whats to hurt him . mr . snagsby , wholly unable to answer this or any question in his troubled mind , repairs to the sols arms and finds mr . weevle languishing over tea and toast with a considerable expression on him of exhausted excitement and exhausted tobacco smoke . and mr . guppy likewise . quoth mr . snagsby . dear , . what a fate there seems in all this . and my lit  mr . snagsbys power of speech deserts him in the formation of the words my little woman . for to see that injured female walk into the sols arms at that hour of the morning and stand before the beer engine, , with her eyes fixed upon him like an accusing spirit , strikes him dumb . my dear , says mr . snagsby when his tongue is loosened , will you take anything . a little  to put too fine a point upon it  of shrub . no , says mrs . snagsby . my love , you know these two gentlemen . yes . says mrs . snagsby , and in a rigid manner acknowledges their presence , still fixing mr . snagsby with her eye . the devoted mr . snagsby cannot bear this treatment . he takes mrs . snagsby by the hand and leads her aside to an adjacent cask . my little woman , why do you look at me in that way . pray dont do it . i cant help my looks , says mrs . snagsby , and if i could i wouldnt . mr . snagsby , with his cough of meekness , rejoins , wouldnt you really , my dear . and meditates . then coughs his cough of trouble and says , this is a dreadful mystery , my love . still fearfully disconcerted by mrs . snagsbys eye . it is , returns mrs . snagsby , shaking her head , a dreadful mystery . my little woman , urges mr . snagsby in a piteous manner , dont for goodness sake speak to me with that bitter expression and look at me in that searching way . i beg and entreat of you not to do it . good lord , you dont suppose that i would go spontaneously combusting any person , my dear . i cant say , returns mrs . snagsby . on a hasty review of his unfortunate position , mr . snagsby cant say either . he is not prepared positively to deny that he may have had something to do with it . he has had something  dont know what  do with so much in this connexion that is mysterious that it is possible he may even be implicated , without knowing it , in the present transaction . he faintly wipes his forehead with his handkerchief and gasps . my life , says the unhappy stationer , would you have any objections to mention why , being in general so delicately circumspect in your conduct , you come into a wine vaults before breakfast . why do you come here . inquires mrs . snagsby . my dear , merely to know the rights of the fatal accident which has happened to the venerable party who has been  . mr . snagsby has made a pause to suppress a groan . i should then have related them to you , my love , over your french roll . i dare say you would . you relate everything to me , mr . snagsby . every  lit  i should be glad , says mrs . snagsby after contemplating his increased confusion with a severe and sinister smile , if you would come home with me i think you may be safer there , mr . snagsby , than anywhere else . my love , i dont know but what i may be , i am sure . i am ready to go . mr . snagsby casts his eye forlornly round the bar , gives messrs . weevle and guppy good morning , assures them of the satisfaction with which he sees them uninjured , and accompanies mrs . snagsby from the sols arms . before night his doubt whether he may not be responsible for some inconceivable part in the catastrophe which is the talk of the whole neighbourhood is almost resolved into certainty by mrs . snagsbys pertinacity in that fixed gaze . his mental sufferings are so great that he entertains wandering ideas of delivering himself up to justice and requiring to be cleared if innocent and punished with the utmost rigour of the law if guilty . mr . weevle and mr . guppy , having taken their breakfast , step into lincolns inn to take a little walk about the square and clear as many of the dark cobwebs out of their brains as a little walk may . there can be no more favourable time than the present , tony , says mr . guppy after they have broodingly made out the four sides of the square , for a word or two between us upon a point on which we must , with very little delay , come to an understanding . now , i tell you what , william g .  . returns the other , eyeing his companion with a bloodshot eye . if its a point of conspiracy , you neednt take the trouble to mention it . i have had enough of that , and i aint going to have any more . we shall have you taking fire next or blowing up with a bang . this supposititious phenomenon is so very disagreeable to mr . guppy that his voice quakes as he says in a moral way , tony , i should have thought that what we went through last night would have been a lesson to you never to be personal any more as long as you lived . to which mr . weevle returns , william , i should have thought it would have been a lesson to you never to conspire any more as long as you lived . to which mr . guppy says , whos conspiring . to which mr . jobling replies , why , you are . to which mr . guppy retorts , no , i am not . to which mr . jobling retorts again , yes , you are . to which mr . guppy retorts , who says so . to which mr . jobling retorts , i say so . to which mr . guppy retorts , oh , indeed . to which mr . jobling retorts , yes , indeed . and both being now in a heated state , they walk on silently for a while to cool down again . tony , says mr . guppy then , if you heard your friend out instead of flying at him , you wouldnt fall into mistakes . but your temper is hasty and you are not considerate . possessing in yourself , tony , all that is calculated to charm the eye  oh . blow the eye . cries mr . weevle , cutting him short . say what you have got to say . finding his friend in this morose and material condition , mr . guppy only expresses the finer feelings of his soul through the tone of injury in which he recommences , tony , when i say there is a point on which we must come to an understanding pretty soon , i say so quite apart from any kind of conspiring , however innocent . you know it is professionally arranged beforehand in all cases that are tried what facts the witnesses are to prove . is it or is it not desirable that we should know what facts we are to prove on the inquiry into the death of this unfortunate old mo  . mr . guppy was going to say mogul , but thinks gentleman better suited to the circumstances . what facts . the facts . the facts bearing on that inquiry . those are  . guppy tells them off on his fingers  we knew of his habits , when you saw him last , what his condition was then , the discovery that we made , and how we made it . yes , says mr . weevle . those are about the facts . we made the discovery in consequence of his having , in his eccentric way , an appointment with you at twelve oclock at night , when you were to explain some writing to him as you had often done before on account of his not being able to read . i , spending the evening with you , was called down  so forth . the inquiry being only into the circumstances touching the death of the deceased , its not necessary to go beyond these facts , i suppose youll agree . no . returns mr . weevle . i suppose not . and this is not a conspiracy , perhaps . says the injured guppy . no , returns his friend if its nothing worse than this , i withdraw the observation . now , tony , says mr . guppy , taking his arm again and walking him slowly on , i should like to know , in a friendly way , whether you have yet thought over the many advantages of your continuing to live at that place . what do you mean . says tony , stopping . whether you have yet thought over the many advantages of your continuing to live at that place . repeats mr . guppy , walking him on again . at what place . that place . pointing in the direction of the rag and bottle shop . mr . guppy nods . why , i wouldnt pass another night there for any consideration that you could offer me , says mr . weevle , haggardly staring . do you mean it though , tony . mean it . do i look as if i mean it . i feel as if i do i know that , says mr . weevle with a very genuine shudder . then the possibility or probability  such it must be considered  your never being disturbed in possession of those effects lately belonging to a lone old man who seemed to have no relation in the world , and the certainty of your being able to find out what he really had got stored up there , dont weigh with you at all against last night , tony , if i understand you . says mr . guppy , biting his thumb with the appetite of vexation . certainly not . talk in that cool way of a fellows living there . cries mr . weevle indignantly . go and live there yourself . oh . i , tony . says mr . guppy , soothing him . i have never lived there and couldnt get a lodging there now , whereas you have got one . you are welcome to it , rejoins his friend , and  . may make yourself at home in it . then you really and truly at this point , says mr . guppy , give up the whole thing , if i understand you , tony . you never , returns tony with a most convincing steadfastness , said a truer word in all your life . i do . while they are so conversing , a hackney coach drives into the square , on the box of which vehicle a very tall hat makes itself manifest to the public . inside the coach , and consequently not so manifest to the multitude , though sufficiently so to the two friends , for the coach stops almost at their feet , are the venerable mr . smallweed and mrs . smallweed , accompanied by their granddaughter judy . an air of haste and excitement pervades the party , and as the tall hat alights , mr . smallweed the elder pokes his head out of window and bawls to mr . guppy , how de do , sir . how de do . what do chick and his family want here at this time of the morning , i wonder . says mr . guppy , nodding to his familiar . my dear sir , cries grandfather smallweed , would you do me a favour . would you and your friend be so very obleeging as to carry me into the public house in the court , while bart and his sister bring their grandmother along . would you do an old man that good turn , sir . mr . guppy looks at his friend , repeating inquiringly , the public house in the court . and they prepare to bear the venerable burden to the sols arms . theres your fare . says the patriarch to the coachman with a fierce grin and shaking his incapable fist at him . ask me for a penny more , and ill have my lawful revenge upon you . my dear young men , be easy with me , if you please . allow me to catch you round the neck . i wont squeeze you tighter than i can help . oh , lord . oh , dear me . oh , my bones . it is well that the sol is not far off , for mr . weevle presents an apoplectic appearance before half the distance is accomplished . with no worse aggravation of his symptoms , however , than the utterance of divers croaking sounds expressive of obstructed respiration , he fulfils his share of the porterage and the benevolent old gentleman is deposited by his own desire in the parlour of the sols arms . oh , lord . gasps mr . smallweed , looking about him , breathless , from an arm chair . oh , dear me . oh , my bones and back . oh , my aches and pains . sit down , you dancing , prancing , shambling , scrambling poll parrot . sit down . this little apostrophe to mrs . smallweed is occasioned by a propensity on the part of that unlucky old lady whenever she finds herself on her feet to amble about and set to inanimate objects , accompanying herself with a chattering noise , as in a witch dance . a nervous affection has probably as much to do with these demonstrations as any imbecile intention in the poor old woman , but on the present occasion they are so particularly lively in connexion with the windsor arm chair, , fellow to that in which mr . smallweed is seated , that she only quite desists when her grandchildren have held her down in it , her lord in the meanwhile bestowing upon her , with great volubility , the endearing epithet of a pig headed jackdaw , repeated a surprising number of times . my dear sir , grandfather smallweed then proceeds , addressing mr . guppy , there has been a calamity here . have you heard of it , either of you . heard of it , sir . why , we discovered it . you discovered it . you two discovered it . bart , they discovered it . the two discoverers stare at the smallweeds , who return the compliment . my dear friends , whines grandfather smallweed , putting out both his hands , i owe you a thousand thanks for discharging the melancholy office of discovering the ashes of mrs . smallweeds brother . eh . says mr . guppy . mrs . smallweeds brother , my dear friend  only relation . we were not on terms , which is to be deplored now , but he never would be on terms . he was not fond of us . he was eccentric  was very eccentric . unless he has left a will i shall take out letters of administration . i have come down to look after the property it must be sealed up , it must be protected . i have come down , repeats grandfather smallweed , hooking the air towards him with all his ten fingers at once , to look after the property . i think , small , says the disconsolate mr . guppy , you might have mentioned that the old man was your uncle . you two were so close about him that i thought you would like me to be the same , returns that old bird with a secretly glistening eye . besides , i wasnt proud of him . besides which , it was nothing to you , know , whether he was or not , says judy . also with a secretly glistening eye . he never saw me in his life to know me , observed small i dont know why i should introduce him , i am sure . no , he never communicated with us , which is to be deplored , the old gentleman strikes in , but i have come to look after the property  look over the papers , and to look after the property . we shall make good our title . it is in the hands of my solicitor . mr . tulkinghorn , of lincolns inn fields , over the way there , is so good as to act as my solicitor and grass dont grow under his feet , i can tell ye . krook was mrs . smallweeds only brother she had no relation but krook , and krook had no relation but mrs . smallweed . i am speaking of your brother , you brimstone black beetle, , that was seventy six years of age . mrs . smallweed instantly begins to shake her head and pipe up , seventy six pound seven and sevenpence . seventy six thousand bags of money . seventy six hundred thousand million of parcels of bank notes . will somebody give me a quart pot . exclaims her exasperated husband , looking helplessly about him and finding no missile within his reach . will somebody obleege me with a spittoon . will somebody hand me anything hard and bruising to pelt at her . you hag , you cat , you dog , you brimstone barker . here mr . smallweed , wrought up to the highest pitch by his own eloquence , actually throws judy at her grandmother in default of anything else , by butting that young virgin at the old lady with such force as he can muster and then dropping into his chair in a heap . shake me up , somebody , if youll be so good , says the voice from within the faintly struggling bundle into which he has collapsed . i have come to look after the property . shake me up , and call in the police on duty at the next house to be explained to about the property . my solicitor will be here presently to protect the property . transportation or the gallows for anybody who shall touch the property . as his dutiful grandchildren set him up , panting , and putting him through the usual restorative process of shaking and punching , he still repeats like an echo , the  property . the property . property . mr . weevle and mr . guppy look at each other , the former as having relinquished the whole affair , the latter with a discomfited countenance as having entertained some lingering expectations yet . but there is nothing to be done in opposition to the smallweed interest . mr . tulkinghorns clerk comes down from his official pew in the chambers to mention to the police that mr . tulkinghorn is answerable for its being all correct about the next of kin and that the papers and effects will be formally taken possession of in due time and course . mr . smallweed is at once permitted so far to assert his supremacy as to be carried on a visit of sentiment into the next house and upstairs into miss flites deserted room , where he looks like a hideous bird of prey newly added to her aviary . the arrival of this unexpected heir soon taking wind in the court still makes good for the sol and keeps the court upon its mettle . mrs . piper and mrs . perkins think it hard upon the young man if there really is no will , and consider that a handsome present ought to be made him out of the estate . young piper and young perkins , as members of that restless juvenile circle which is the terror of the foot passengers in chancery lane , crumble into ashes behind the pump and under the archway all day long , where wild yells and hootings take place over their remains . little swills and miss m . melvilleson enter into affable conversation with their patrons , feeling that these unusual occurrences level the barriers between professionals and non professionals . mr . bogsby puts up the popular song of king death , with chorus by the whole strength of the company , as the great harmonic feature of the week and announces in the bill that j . g . b . is induced to do so at a considerable extra expense in consequence of a wish which has been very generally expressed at the bar by a large body of respectable individuals and in homage to a late melancholy event which has aroused so much sensation . there is one point connected with the deceased upon which the court is particularly anxious , namely , that the fiction of a full sized coffin should be preserved , though there is so little to put in it . upon the undertakers stating in the sols bar in the course of the day that he has received orders to construct a six footer, , the general solicitude is much relieved , and it is considered that mr . smallweeds conduct does him great honour . out of the court , and a long way out of it , there is considerable excitement too , for men of science and philosophy come to look , and carriages set down doctors at the corner who arrive with the same intent , and there is more learned talk about inflammable gases and phosphuretted hydrogen than the court has ever imagined . some of these authorities hold with indignation that the deceased had no business to die in the alleged manner and being reminded by other authorities of a certain inquiry into the evidence for such deaths reprinted in the sixth volume of the philosophical transactions and also of a book not quite unknown on english medical jurisprudence and likewise of the italian case of the countess cornelia baudi as set forth in detail by one bianchini , prebendary of verona , who wrote a scholarly work or so and was occasionally heard of in his time as having gleams of reason in him and also of the testimony of messrs . fodere and mere , two pestilent frenchmen who would investigate the subject and further , of the corroborative testimony of monsieur le cat , a rather celebrated french surgeon once upon a time , who had the unpoliteness to live in a house where such a case occurred and even to write an account of it  they regard the late mr . krooks obstinacy in going out of the world by any such by way as wholly unjustifiable and personally offensive . the less the court understands of all this , the more the court likes it , and the greater enjoyment it has in the stock in trade of the sols arms . then there comes the artist of a picture newspaper , with a foreground and figures ready drawn for anything from a wreck on the cornish coast to a review in hyde park or a meeting in manchester , and in mrs . perkins own room , memorable evermore , he then and there throws in upon the block mr . krooks house , as large as life in fact , considerably larger , making a very temple of it . similarly , being permitted to look in at the door of the fatal chamber , he depicts that apartment as three quarters of a mile long by fifty yards high , at which the court is particularly charmed . all this time the two gentlemen before mentioned pop in and out of every house and assist at the philosophical disputations  everywhere and listen to everybody  yet are always diving into the sols parlour and writing with the ravenous little pens on the tissue paper . at last come the coroner and his inquiry , like as before , except that the coroner cherishes this case as being out of the common way and tells the gentlemen of the jury , in his private capacity , that would seem to be an unlucky house next door , gentlemen , a destined house but so we sometimes find it , and these are mysteries we cant account for . after which the six footer comes into action and is much admired . in all these proceedings mr . guppy has so slight a part , except when he gives his evidence , that he is moved on like a private individual and can only haunt the secret house on the outside , where he has the mortification of seeing mr . smallweed padlocking the door , and of bitterly knowing himself to be shut out . but before these proceedings draw to a close , that is to say , on the night next after the catastrophe , mr . guppy has a thing to say that must be said to lady dedlock . for which reason , with a sinking heart and with that hang dog sense of guilt upon him which dread and watching enfolded in the sols arms have produced , the young man of the name of guppy presents himself at the town mansion at about seven oclock in the evening and requests to see her ladyship . mercury replies that she is going out to dinner dont he see the carriage at the door . yes , he does see the carriage at the door but he wants to see my lady too . mercury is disposed , as he will presently declare to a fellow gentleman in waiting , to pitch into the young man but his instructions are positive . therefore he sulkily supposes that the young man must come up into the library . there he leaves the young man in a large room , not over light, , while he makes report of him . mr . guppy looks into the shade in all directions , discovering everywhere a certain charred and whitened little heap of coal or wood . presently he hears a rustling . is it  . no , its no ghost , but fair flesh and blood , most brilliantly dressed . i have to beg your ladyships pardon , mr . guppy stammers , very downcast . this is an inconvenient time  i told you , could come at any time . she takes a chair , looking straight at him as on the last occasion . thank your ladyship . your ladyship is very affable . you can sit down . there is not much affability in her tone . i dont know , your ladyship , that its worth while my sitting down and detaining you , for i  have not got the letters that i mentioned when i had the honour of waiting on your ladyship . have you come merely to say so . merely to say so , your ladyship . mr . guppy besides being depressed , disappointed , and uneasy , is put at a further disadvantage by the splendour and beauty of her appearance . she knows its influence perfectly , has studied it too well to miss a grain of its effect on any one . as she looks at him so steadily and coldly , he not only feels conscious that he has no guide in the least perception of what is really the complexion of her thoughts , but also that he is being every moment , as it were , removed further and further from her . she will not speak , it is plain . so he must . in short , your ladyship , says mr . guppy like a meanly penitent thief , the person i was to have had the letters of , has come to a sudden end , and  he stops . lady dedlock calmly finishes the sentence . and the letters are destroyed with the person . mr . guppy would say no if he could  he is unable to hide . i believe so , your ladyship . if he could see the least sparkle of relief in her face now . no , he could see no such thing , even if that brave outside did not utterly put him away , and he were not looking beyond it and about it . he falters an awkward excuse or two for his failure . is this all you have to say . inquires lady dedlock , having heard him out  as nearly out as he can stumble . mr . guppy thinks thats all . you had better be sure that you wish to say nothing more to me , this being the last time you will have the opportunity . mr . guppy is quite sure . and indeed he has no such wish at present , by any means . that is enough . i will dispense with excuses . good evening to you . and she rings for mercury to show the young man of the name of guppy out . but in that house , in that same moment , there happens to be an old man of the name of tulkinghorn . and that old man , coming with his quiet footstep to the library , has his hand at that moment on the handle of the door  in  comes face to face with the young man as he is leaving the room . one glance between the old man and the lady , and for an instant the blind that is always down flies up . suspicion , eager and sharp , looks out . another instant , close again . i beg your pardon , lady dedlock . i beg your pardon a thousand times . it is so very unusual to find you here at this hour . i supposed the room was empty . i beg your pardon . stay . she negligently calls him back . remain here , i beg . i am going out to dinner . i have nothing more to say to this young man . the disconcerted young man bows , as he goes out , and cringingly hopes that mr . tulkinghorn of the fields is well . aye , . says the lawyer , looking at him from under his bent brows , though he has no need to look again  he . from kenge and carboys , surely . kenge and carboys , mr . tulkinghorn . name of guppy , sir . to be sure . why , thank you , mr . guppy , i am very well . happy to hear it , sir . you cant be too well , sir , for the credit of the profession . thank you , mr . guppy . mr . guppy sneaks away . mr . tulkinghorn , such a foil in his old fashioned rusty black to lady dedlocks brightness , hands her down the staircase to her carriage . he returns rubbing his chin , and rubs it a good deal in the course of the evening . chapter xxxiv a turn of the screw now , what , says mr . george , may this be . is it blank cartridge or ball . a flash in the pan or a shot . an open letter is the subject of the troopers speculations , and it seems to perplex him mightily . he looks at it at arms length , brings it close to him , holds it in his right hand , holds it in his left hand , reads it with his head on this side , with his head on that side , contracts his eyebrows , elevates them , still cannot satisfy himself . he smooths it out upon the table with his heavy palm , and thoughtfully walking up and down the gallery , makes a halt before it every now and then to come upon it with a fresh eye . even that wont do . is it , mr . george still muses , blank cartridge or ball . phil squod , with the aid of a brush and paint pot, , is employed in the distance whitening the targets , softly whistling in quick march time and in drum and manner that he must and will go back again to the girl he left behind him . phil . the trooper beckons as he calls him . phil approaches in his usual way , sidling off at first as if he were going anywhere else and then bearing down upon his commander like a bayonet charge . certain splashes of white show in high relief upon his dirty face , and he scrapes his one eyebrow with the handle of the brush . attention , phil . listen to this . steady , commander , steady . sir . allow me to remind you though there is no legal necessity for my doing so , as you are aware that the bill at two months date drawn on yourself by mr . matthew bagnet , and by you accepted , for the sum of ninety seven pounds four shillings and ninepence , will become due to morrow, , when you will please be prepared to take up the same on presentation . yours , joshua smallweed . what do you make of that , phil . mischief , guvner . why . i think , replies phil after pensively tracing out a cross wrinkle in his forehead with the brush handle, , that mischeevious consequences is always meant when moneys asked for . lookye , phil , says the trooper , sitting on the table . first and last , i have paid , i may say , half as much again as this principal in interest and one thing and another . phil intimates by sidling back a pace or two , with a very unaccountable wrench of his wry face , that he does not regard the transaction as being made more promising by this incident . and lookye further , phil , says the trooper , staying his premature conclusions with a wave of his hand . there has always been an understanding that this bill was to be what they call renewed . and it has been renewed no end of times . what do you say now . i say that i think the times is come to a end at last . you do . humph . i am much of the same mind myself . joshua smallweed is him that was brought here in a chair . the same . guvner , says phil with exceeding gravity , hes a leech in his dispositions , hes a screw and a wice in his actions , a snake in his twistings , and a lobster in his claws . having thus expressively uttered his sentiments , mr . squod , after waiting a little to ascertain if any further remark be expected of him , gets back by his usual series of movements to the target he has in hand and vigorously signifies through his former musical medium that he must and he will return to that ideal young lady . george , having folded the letter , walks in that direction . there is a way , commander , says phil , looking cunningly at him , of settling this . paying the money , i suppose . i wish i could . phil shakes his head . no , guvner , no not so bad as that . there is a way , says phil with a highly artistic turn of his brush what im a doing at present . whitewashing . phil nods . a pretty way that would be . do you know what would become of the bagnets in that case . do you know they would be ruined to pay off my old scores . youre a moral character , says the trooper , eyeing him in his large way with no small indignation upon my life you are , phil . phil , on one knee at the target , is in course of protesting earnestly , though not without many allegorical scoops of his brush and smoothings of the white surface round the rim with his thumb , that he had forgotten the bagnet responsibility and would not so much as injure a hair of the head of any member of that worthy family when steps are audible in the long passage without , and a cheerful voice is heard to wonder whether george is at home . phil , with a look at his master , hobbles up , saying , heres the guvner , mrs . bagnet . here he is . and the old girl herself , accompanied by mr . bagnet , appears . the old girl never appears in walking trim , in any season of the year , without a grey cloth cloak , coarse and much worn but very clean , which is , undoubtedly , the identical garment rendered so interesting to mr . bagnet by having made its way home to europe from another quarter of the globe in company with mrs . bagnet and an umbrella . the latter faithful appendage is also invariably a part of the old girls presence out of doors . it is of no colour known in this life and has a corrugated wooden crook for a handle , with a metallic object let into its prow , or beak , resembling a little model of a fanlight over a street door or one of the oval glasses out of a pair of spectacles , which ornamental object has not that tenacious capacity of sticking to its post that might be desired in an article long associated with the british army . the old girls umbrella is of a flabby habit of waist and seems to be in need of stays  appearance that is possibly referable to its having served through a series of years at home as a cupboard and on journeys as a carpet bag . she never puts it up , having the greatest reliance on her well proved cloak with its capacious hood , but generally uses the instrument as a wand with which to point out joints of meat or bunches of greens in marketing or to arrest the attention of tradesmen by a friendly poke . without her market basket, , which is a sort of wicker well with two flapping lids , she never stirs abroad . attended by these her trusty companions , therefore , her honest sunburnt face looking cheerily out of a rough straw bonnet , mrs . bagnet now arrives , fresh coloured and bright , in georges shooting gallery . well , george , old fellow , says she , and how do you do , this sunshiny morning . giving him a friendly shake of the hand , mrs . bagnet draws a long breath after her walk and sits down to enjoy a rest . having a faculty , matured on the tops of baggage waggons and in other such positions , of resting easily anywhere , she perches on a rough bench , unties her bonnet strings, , pushes back her bonnet , crosses her arms , and looks perfectly comfortable . mr . bagnet in the meantime has shaken hands with his old comrade and with phil , on whom mrs . bagnet likewise bestows a good humoured nod and smile . now , george , said mrs . bagnet briskly , here we are , lignum and myself  often speaks of her husband by this appellation , on account , as it is supposed , of lignum vitae having been his old regimental nickname when they first became acquainted , in compliment to the extreme hardness and toughness of his physiognomy  looked in , we have , to make it all correct as usual about that security . give him the new bill to sign , george , and hell sign it like a man . i was coming to you this morning , observes the trooper reluctantly . yes , we thought youd come to us this morning , but we turned out early and left woolwich , the best of boys , to mind his sisters and came to you instead  you see . for lignum , hes tied so close now , and gets so little exercise , that a walk does him good . but whats the matter , george . asks mrs . bagnet , stopping in her cheerful talk . you dont look yourself . i am not quite myself , returns the trooper i have been a little put out , mrs . bagnet . her bright quick eye catches the truth directly . george . holding up her forefinger . dont tell me theres anything wrong about that security of lignums . dont do it , george , on account of the children . the trooper looks at her with a troubled visage . george , says mrs . bagnet , using both her arms for emphasis and occasionally bringing down her open hands upon her knees . if you have allowed anything wrong to come to that security of lignums , and if you have let him in for it , and if you have put us in danger of being sold up  i see sold up in your face , george , as plain as print  have done a shameful action and have deceived us cruelly . i tell you , cruelly , george . there . mr . bagnet , otherwise as immovable as a pump or a lamp post, , puts his large right hand on the top of his bald head as if to defend it from a shower bath and looks with great uneasiness at mrs . bagnet . george , says that old girl , i wonder at you . george , i am ashamed of you . george , i couldnt have believed you would have done it . i always knew you to be a rolling stone that gathered no moss , but i never thought you would have taken away what little moss there was for bagnet and the children to lie upon . you know what a hard working, , steady going chap he is . you know what quebec and malta and woolwich are , and i never did think you would , or could , have had the heart to serve us so . oh , george . mrs . bagnet gathers up her cloak to wipe her eyes on in a very genuine manner , how could you do it . mrs . bagnet ceasing , mr . bagnet removes his hand from his head as if the shower bath were over and looks disconsolately at mr . george , who has turned quite white and looks distressfully at the grey cloak and straw bonnet . mat , says the trooper in a subdued voice , addressing him but still looking at his wife , i am sorry you take it so much to heart , because i do hope its not so bad as that comes to . i certainly have , this morning , received this letter  he reads aloud  i hope it may be set right yet . as to a rolling stone , why , what you say is true . i am a rolling stone , and i never rolled in anybodys way , i fully believe , that i rolled the least good to . but its impossible for an old vagabond comrade to like your wife and family better than i like em , mat , and i trust youll look upon me as forgivingly as you can . dont think ive kept anything from you . i havent had the letter more than a quarter of an hour . old girl , murmurs mr . bagnet after a short silence , will you tell him my opinion . oh . why didnt he marry , mrs . bagnet answers , half laughing and half crying , joe pouchs widder in north america . then he wouldnt have got himself into these troubles . the old girl , says mr . bagnet , puts it correct  didnt you . well , she has a better husband by this time , i hope , returns the trooper . anyhow , here i stand , this present day , not married to joe pouchs widder . what shall i do . you see all i have got about me . its not mine its yours . give the word , and ill sell off every morsel . if i could have hoped it would have brought in nearly the sum wanted , id have sold all long ago . dont believe that ill leave you or yours in the lurch , mat . id sell myself first . i only wish , says the trooper , giving himself a disparaging blow in the chest , that i knew of any one whod buy such a second hand piece of old stores . old girl , murmurs mr . bagnet , give him another bit of my mind . george , says the old girl , you are not so much to be blamed , on full consideration , except for ever taking this business without the means . and that was like me . observes the penitent trooper , shaking his head . like me , i know . silence . the old girl , says mr . bagnet , is correct  her way of giving my opinions  me out . that was when you never ought to have asked for the security , george , and when you never ought to have got it , all things considered . but whats done cant be undone . you are always an honourable and straightforward fellow , as far as lays in your power , though a little flighty . on the other hand , you cant admit but what its natural in us to be anxious with such a thing hanging over our heads . so forget and forgive all round , george . come . forget and forgive all round . mrs . bagnet , giving him one of her honest hands and giving her husband the other , mr . george gives each of them one of his and holds them while he speaks . i do assure you both , theres nothing i wouldnt do to discharge this obligation . but whatever i have been able to scrape together has gone every two months in keeping it up . we have lived plainly enough here , phil and i . but the gallery dont quite do what was expected of it , and its not  short , its not the mint . it was wrong in me to take it . well , so it was . but i was in a manner drawn into that step , and i thought it might steady me , and set me up , and youll try to overlook my having such expectations , and upon my soul , i am very much obliged to you , and very much ashamed of myself . with these concluding words , mr . george gives a shake to each of the hands he holds , and relinquishing them , backs a pace or two in a broad chested, , upright attitude , as if he had made a final confession and were immediately going to be shot with all military honours . george , hear me out . says mr . bagnet , glancing at his wife . old girl , go on . mr . bagnet , being in this singular manner heard out , has merely to observe that the letter must be attended to without any delay , that it is advisable that george and he should immediately wait on mr . smallweed in person , and that the primary object is to save and hold harmless mr . bagnet , who had none of the money . mr . george , entirely assenting , puts on his hat and prepares to march with mr . bagnet to the enemys camp . dont you mind a womans hasty word , george , says mrs . bagnet , patting him on the shoulder . i trust my old lignum to you , and i am sure youll bring him through it . the trooper returns that this is kindly said and that he will bring lignum through it somehow . upon which mrs . bagnet , with her cloak , basket , and umbrella , goes home , bright eyed again , to the rest of her family , and the comrades sally forth on the hopeful errand of mollifying mr . smallweed . whether there are two people in england less likely to come satisfactorily out of any negotiation with mr . smallweed than mr . george and mr . matthew bagnet may be very reasonably questioned . also , notwithstanding their martial appearance , broad square shoulders , and heavy tread , whether there are within the same limits two more simple and unaccustomed children in all the smallweedy affairs of life . as they proceed with great gravity through the streets towards the region of mount pleasant , mr . bagnet , observing his companion to be thoughtful , considers it a friendly part to refer to mrs . bagnets late sally . george , you know the old girl  as sweet and as mild as milk . but touch her on the children  myself  shes off like gunpowder . it does her credit , mat . george , says mr . bagnet , looking straight before him , the old girl  do anything  dont do her credit . more or less . i never say so . discipline must be maintained . shes worth her weight in gold , says the trooper . in gold . says mr . bagnet . ill tell you what . the old girls weight  twelve stone six . would i take that weight  any metal  the old girl . no . why not . because the old girls metal is far more precious  the preciousest metal . and shes all metal . you are right , mat . when she took me  accepted of the ring  listed under me and the children  and head , for life . shes that earnest , says mr . bagnet , and true to her colours  , touch us with a finger  she turns out  stands to her arms . if the old girl fires wide  in a way  the call of duty  over it , george . for shes loyal . why , bless her , mat , returns the trooper , i think the higher of her for it . you are right . says mr . bagnet with the warmest enthusiasm , though without relaxing the rigidity of a single muscle . think as high of the old girl  the rock of gibraltar  still youll be thinking low  such merits . but i never own to it before her . discipline must be maintained . these encomiums bring them to mount pleasant and to grandfather smallweeds house . the door is opened by the perennial judy , who , having surveyed them from top to toe with no particular favour , but indeed with a malignant sneer , leaves them standing there while she consults the oracle as to their admission . the oracle may be inferred to give consent from the circumstance of her returning with the words on her honey lips that they can come in if they want to it . thus privileged , they come in and find mr . smallweed with his feet in the drawer of his chair as if it were a paper foot bath and mrs . smallweed obscured with the cushion like a bird that is not to sing . my dear friend , says grandfather smallweed with those two lean affectionate arms of his stretched forth . how de do . how de do . who is our friend , my dear friend . why this , returns george , not able to be very conciliatory at first , is matthew bagnet , who has obliged me in that matter of ours , you know . oh . mr . bagnet . surely . the old man looks at him under his hand . hope youre well , mr . bagnet . fine man , mr . george . military air , sir . no chairs being offered , mr . george brings one forward for bagnet and one for himself . they sit down , mr . bagnet as if he had no power of bending himself , except at the hips , for that purpose . judy , says mr . smallweed , bring the pipe . why , i dont know , mr . george interposes , that the young woman need give herself that trouble , for to tell you the truth , i am not inclined to smoke it to day . aint you . returns the old man . judy , bring the pipe . the fact is , mr . smallweed , proceeds george , that i find myself in rather an unpleasant state of mind . it appears to me , sir , that your friend in the city has been playing tricks . oh , dear no . says grandfather smallweed . he never does that . dont he . well , i am glad to hear it , because i thought it might be his doing . this , you know , i am speaking of . this letter . grandfather smallweed smiles in a very ugly way in recognition of the letter . what does it mean . asks mr . george . judy , says the old man . have you got the pipe . give it to me . did you say what does it mean , my good friend . aye . now , come , you know , mr . smallweed , urges the trooper , constraining himself to speak as smoothly and confidentially as he can , holding the open letter in one hand and resting the broad knuckles of the other on his thigh , a good lot of money has passed between us , and we are face to face at the present moment , and are both well aware of the understanding there has always been . i am prepared to do the usual thing which i have done regularly and to keep this matter going . i never got a letter like this from you before , and i have been a little put about by it this morning , because heres my friend matthew bagnet , who , you know , had none of the money  i dont know it , you know , says the old man quietly . why , con found you  , i mean  tell you so , dont i . oh , yes , you tell me so , returns grandfather smallweed . but i dont know it . well . says the trooper , swallowing his fire . i know it . mr . smallweed replies with excellent temper , ah . thats quite another thing . and adds , but it dont matter . mr . bagnets situation is all one , whether or no . the unfortunate george makes a great effort to arrange the affair comfortably and to propitiate mr . smallweed by taking him upon his own terms . thats just what i mean . as you say , mr . smallweed , heres matthew bagnet liable to be fixed whether or no . now , you see , that makes his good lady very uneasy in her mind , and me too , for whereas im a harum scarum sort of a good for that more kicks than halfpence come natural to , why hes a steady family man , dont you see . now , mr . smallweed , says the trooper , gaining confidence as he proceeds in his soldierly mode of doing business , although you and i are good friends enough in a certain sort of a way , i am well aware that i cant ask you to let my friend bagnet off entirely . oh , dear , you are too modest . you can ask me anything , mr . george . there is an ogreish kind of jocularity in grandfather smallweed to day . and you can refuse , you mean , eh . or not you so much , perhaps , as your friend in the city . ha . ha . echoes grandfather smallweed . in such a very hard manner and with eyes so particularly green that mr . bagnets natural gravity is much deepened by the contemplation of that venerable man . come . says the sanguine george . i am glad to find we can be pleasant , because i want to arrange this pleasantly . heres my friend bagnet , and here am i . well settle the matter on the spot , if you please , mr . smallweed , in the usual way . and youll ease my friend bagnets mind , and his familys mind , a good deal if youll just mention to him what our understanding is . here some shrill spectre cries out in a mocking manner , oh , good gracious . oh . unless , indeed , it be the sportive judy , who is found to be silent when the startled visitors look round , but whose chin has received a recent toss , expressive of derision and contempt . mr . bagnets gravity becomes yet more profound . but i think you asked me , mr . george  smallweed , who all this time has had the pipe in his hand , is the speaker now  think you asked me , what did the letter mean . why , yes , i did , returns the trooper in his off hand way , but i dont care to know particularly , if its all correct and pleasant . mr . smallweed , purposely balking himself in an aim at the troopers head , throws the pipe on the ground and breaks it to pieces . thats what it means , my dear friend . ill smash you . ill crumble you . ill powder you . go to the devil . the two friends rise and look at one another . mr . bagnets gravity has now attained its profoundest point . go to the devil . repeats the old man . ill have no more of your pipe smokings and swaggerings . what . youre an independent dragoon , too . go to my lawyer and show your independence now , will you . come , my dear friend , theres a chance for you . open the street door , judy put these blusterers out . call in help if they dont go . put em out . he vociferates this so loudly that mr . bagnet , laying his hands on the shoulders of his comrade before the latter can recover from his amazement , gets him on the outside of the street door , which is instantly slammed by the triumphant judy . utterly confounded , mr . george awhile stands looking at the knocker . mr . bagnet , in a perfect abyss of gravity , walks up and down before the little parlour window like a sentry and looks in every time he passes , apparently revolving something in his mind . come , mat , says mr . george when he has recovered himself , we must try the lawyer . now , what do you think of this rascal . mr . bagnet , stopping to take a farewell look into the parlour , replies with one shake of his head directed at the interior , if my old girl had been here  have told him . having so discharged himself of the subject of his cogitations , he falls into step and marches off with the trooper , shoulder to shoulder . when they present themselves in lincolns inn fields , mr . tulkinghorn is engaged and not to be seen . he is not at all willing to see them , for when they have waited a full hour , and the clerk , on his bell being rung , takes the opportunity of mentioning as much , he brings forth no more encouraging message than that mr . tulkinghorn has nothing to say to them and they had better not wait . they do wait , however , with the perseverance of military tactics , and at last the bell rings again and the client in possession comes out of mr . tulkinghorns room . the client is a handsome old lady , no other than mrs . rouncewell , housekeeper at chesney wold . she comes out of the sanctuary with a fair old fashioned curtsy and softly shuts the door . she is treated with some distinction there , for the clerk steps out of his pew to show her through the outer office and to let her out . the old lady is thanking him for his attention when she observes the comrades in waiting . i beg your pardon , sir , but i think those gentlemen are military . the clerk referring the question to them with his eye , and mr . george not turning round from the almanac over the fire place . mr . bagnet takes upon himself to reply , yes , maam . formerly . i thought so . i was sure of it . my heart warms , gentlemen , at the sight of you . it always does at the sight of such . god bless you , gentlemen . youll excuse an old woman , but i had a son once who went for a soldier . a fine handsome youth he was , and good in his bold way , though some people did disparage him to his poor mother . i ask your pardon for troubling you , sir . god bless you , gentlemen . same to you , maam . returns mr . bagnet with right good will . there is something very touching in the earnestness of the old ladys voice and in the tremble that goes through her quaint old figure . but mr . george is so occupied with the almanac over the fire place that he does not look round until she has gone away and the door is closed upon her . george , mr . bagnet gruffly whispers when he does turn from the almanac at last . dont be cast down . why , soldiers , why  we be melancholy , boys . cheer up , my hearty . the clerk having now again gone in to say that they are still there and mr . tulkinghorn being heard to return with some irascibility , let em come in then . they pass into the great room with the painted ceiling and find him standing before the fire . now , you men , what do you want . sergeant , i told you the last time i saw you that i dont desire your company here . sergeant replies  within the last few minutes as to his usual manner of speech , and even as to his usual carriage  he has received this letter , has been to mr . smallweed about it , and has been referred there . i have nothing to say to you , rejoins mr . tulkinghorn . if you get into debt , you must pay your debts or take the consequences . you have no occasion to come here to learn that , i suppose . sergeant is sorry to say that he is not prepared with the money . very well . then the other man  if this is he  pay it for you . sergeant is sorry to add that the other man is not prepared with the money either . very well . then you must pay it between you or you must both be sued for it and both suffer . you have had the money and must refund it . you are not to pocket other peoples pounds , shillings , and pence and escape scot free . the lawyer sits down in his easy chair and stirs the fire . mr . george hopes he will have the goodness to  tell you , sergeant , i have nothing to say to you . i dont like your associates and dont want you here . this matter is not at all in my course of practice and is not in my office . mr . smallweed is good enough to offer these affairs to me , but they are not in my way . you must go to melchisedechs in cliffords inn . i must make an apology to you , sir , says mr . george , for pressing myself upon you with so little encouragement  is almost as unpleasant to me as it can be to you  would you let me say a private word to you . mr . tulkinghorn rises with his hands in his pockets and walks into one of the window recesses . now . i have no time to waste . in the midst of his perfect assumption of indifference , he directs a sharp look at the trooper , taking care to stand with his own back to the light and to have the other with his face towards it . well , sir , says mr . george , this man with me is the other party implicated in this unfortunate affair  , only nominally  my sole object is to prevent his getting into trouble on my account . he is a most respectable man with a wife and family , formerly in the royal artillery  my friend , i dont care a pinch of snuff for the whole royal artillery establishment  , men , tumbrils , waggons , horses , guns , and ammunition . tis likely , sir . but i care a good deal for bagnet and his wife and family being injured on my account . and if i could bring them through this matter , i should have no help for it but to give up without any other consideration what you wanted of me the other day . have you got it here . i have got it here , sir . sergeant , the lawyer proceeds in his dry passionless manner , far more hopeless in the dealing with than any amount of vehemence , make up your mind while i speak to you , for this is final . after i have finished speaking i have closed the subject , and i wont re open it . understand that . you can leave here , for a few days , what you say you have brought here if you choose you can take it away at once if you choose . in case you choose to leave it here , i can do this for you  can replace this matter on its old footing , and i can go so far besides as to give you a written undertaking that this man bagnet shall never be troubled in any way until you have been proceeded against to the utmost , that your means shall be exhausted before the creditor looks to his . this is in fact all but freeing him . have you decided . the trooper puts his hand into his breast and answers with a long breath , i must do it , sir . so mr . tulkinghorn , putting on his spectacles , sits down and writes the undertaking , which he slowly reads and explains to bagnet , who has all this time been staring at the ceiling and who puts his hand on his bald head again , under this new verbal shower bath, , and seems exceedingly in need of the old girl through whom to express his sentiments . the trooper then takes from his breast pocket a folded paper , which he lays with an unwilling hand at the lawyers elbow . tis only a letter of instructions , sir . the last i ever had from him . look at a millstone , mr . george , for some change in its expression , and you will find it quite as soon as in the face of mr . tulkinghorn when he opens and reads the letter . he refolds it and lays it in his desk with a countenance as unperturbable as death . nor has he anything more to say or do but to nod once in the same frigid and discourteous manner and to say briefly , you can go . show these men out , there . being shown out , they repair to mr . bagnets residence to dine . boiled beef and greens constitute the days variety on the former repast of boiled pork and greens , and mrs . bagnet serves out the meal in the same way and seasons it with the best of temper , being that rare sort of old girl that she receives good to her arms without a hint that it might be better and catches light from any little spot of darkness near her . the spot on this occasion is the darkened brow of mr . george he is unusually thoughtful and depressed . at first mrs . bagnet trusts to the combined endearments of quebec and malta to restore him , but finding those young ladies sensible that their existing bluffy is not the bluffy of their usual frolicsome acquaintance , she winks off the light infantry and leaves him to deploy at leisure on the open ground of the domestic hearth . but he does not . he remains in close order , clouded and depressed . during the lengthy cleaning up and pattening process , when he and mr . bagnet are supplied with their pipes , he is no better than he was at dinner . he forgets to smoke , looks at the fire and ponders , lets his pipe out , fills the breast of mr . bagnet with perturbation and dismay by showing that he has no enjoyment of tobacco . therefore when mrs . bagnet at last appears , rosy from the invigorating pail , and sits down to her work , mr . bagnet growls , old girl . and winks monitions to her to find out whats the matter . why , george . says mrs . bagnet , quietly threading her needle . how low you are . am i . not good company . well , i am afraid i am not . he aint at all like bluffy , mother . cries little malta . because he aint well , i think , mother , adds quebec . sure thats a bad sign not to be like bluffy , too . returns the trooper , kissing the young damsels . but its true , with a sigh , true , i am afraid . these little ones are always right . george , says mrs . bagnet , working busily , if i thought you cross enough to think of anything that a shrill old soldiers wife  could have bitten her tongue off afterwards and ought to have done it almost  this morning , i dont know what i shouldnt say to you now . my kind soul of a darling , returns the trooper . not a morsel of it . because really and truly , george , what i said and meant to say was that i trusted lignum to you and was sure youd bring him through it . and you have brought him through it , noble . thankee , my dear . says george . i am glad of your good opinion . in giving mrs . bagnets hand , with her work in it , a friendly shake  she took her seat beside him  troopers attention is attracted to her face . after looking at it for a little while as she plies her needle , he looks to young woolwich , sitting on his stool in the corner , and beckons that fifer to him . see there , my boy , says george , very gently smoothing the mothers hair with his hand , theres a good loving forehead for you . all bright with love of you , my boy . a little touched by the sun and the weather through following your father about and taking care of you , but as fresh and wholesome as a ripe apple on a tree . mr . bagnets face expresses , so far as in its wooden material lies , the highest approbation and acquiescence . the time will come , my boy , pursues the trooper , when this hair of your mothers will be grey , and this forehead all crossed and re crossed with wrinkles , and a fine old lady shell be then . take care , while you are young , that you can think in those days , i never whitened a hair of her dear head  never marked a sorrowful line in her face . for of all the many things that you can think of when you are a man , you had better have that by you , woolwich . mr . george concludes by rising from his chair , seating the boy beside his mother in it , and saying , with something of a hurry about him , that hell smoke his pipe in the street a bit . chapter xxxv esthers narrative i lay ill through several weeks , and the usual tenor of my life became like an old remembrance . but this was not the effect of time so much as of the change in all my habits made by the helplessness and inaction of a sick room . before i had been confined to it many days , everything else seemed to have retired into a remote distance where there was little or no separation between the various stages of my life which had been really divided by years . in falling ill , i seemed to have crossed a dark lake and to have left all my experiences , mingled together by the great distance , on the healthy shore . my housekeeping duties , though at first it caused me great anxiety to think that they were unperformed , were soon as far off as the oldest of the old duties at greenleaf or the summer afternoons when i went home from school with my portfolio under my arm , and my childish shadow at my side , to my godmothers house . i had never known before how short life really was and into how small a space the mind could put it . while i was very ill , the way in which these divisions of time became confused with one another distressed my mind exceedingly . at once a child , an elder girl , and the little woman i had been so happy as , i was not only oppressed by cares and difficulties adapted to each station , but by the great perplexity of endlessly trying to reconcile them . i suppose that few who have not been in such a condition can quite understand what i mean or what painful unrest arose from this source . for the same reason i am almost afraid to hint at that time in my disorder  seemed one long night , but i believe there were both nights and days in it  i laboured up colossal staircases , ever striving to reach the top , and ever turned , as i have seen a worm in a garden path , by some obstruction , and labouring again . i knew perfectly at intervals , and i think vaguely at most times , that i was in my bed and i talked with charley , and felt her touch , and knew her very well yet i would find myself complaining , oh , more of these never ending stairs , charley  and more  up to the sky , i think . and labouring on again . dare i hint at that worse time when , strung together somewhere in great black space , there was a flaming necklace , or ring , or starry circle of some kind , of which i was one of the beads . and when my only prayer was to be taken off from the rest and when it was such inexplicable agony and misery to be a part of the dreadful thing . perhaps the less i say of these sick experiences , the less tedious and the more intelligible i shall be . i do not recall them to make others unhappy or because i am now the least unhappy in remembering them . it may be that if we knew more of such strange afflictions we might be the better able to alleviate their intensity . the repose that succeeded , the long delicious sleep , the blissful rest , when in my weakness i was too calm to have any care for myself and could have heard that i was dying , with no other emotion than with a pitying love for those i left behind  state can be perhaps more widely understood . i was in this state when i first shrunk from the light as it twinkled on me once more , and knew with a boundless joy for which no words are rapturous enough that i should see again . i had heard my ada crying at the door , day and night i had heard her calling to me that i was cruel and did not love her i had heard her praying and imploring to be let in to nurse and comfort me and to leave my bedside no more but i had only said , when i could speak , never , my sweet girl , never . and i had over and over again reminded charley that she was to keep my darling from the room whether i lived or died . charley had been true to me in that time of need , and with her little hand and her great heart had kept the door fast . but now , my sight strengthening and the glorious light coming every day more fully and brightly on me , i could read the letters that my dear wrote to me every morning and evening and could put them to my lips and lay my cheek upon them with no fear of hurting her . i could see my little maid , so tender and so careful , going about the two rooms setting everything in order and speaking cheerfully to ada from the open window again . i could understand the stillness in the house and the thoughtfulness it expressed on the part of all those who had always been so good to me . i could weep in the exquisite felicity of my heart and be as happy in my weakness as ever i had been in my strength . by and by my strength began to be restored . instead of lying , with so strange a calmness , watching what was done for me , as if it were done for some one else whom i was quietly sorry for , i helped it a little , and so on to a little more and much more , until i became useful to myself , and interested , and attached to life again . how well i remember the pleasant afternoon when i was raised in bed with pillows for the first time to enjoy a great tea drinking with charley . the little creature  into the world , surely , to minister to the weak and sick  so happy , and so busy , and stopped so often in her preparations to lay her head upon my bosom , and fondle me , and cry with joyful tears she was so glad , she was so glad , that i was obliged to say , charley , if you go on in this way , i must lie down again , my darling , for i am weaker than i thought i was . so charley became as quiet as a mouse and took her bright face here and there across and across the two rooms , out of the shade into the divine sunshine , and out of the sunshine into the shade , while i watched her peacefully . when all her preparations were concluded and the pretty tea table with its little delicacies to tempt me , and its white cloth , and its flowers , and everything so lovingly and beautifully arranged for me by ada downstairs , was ready at the bedside , i felt sure i was steady enough to say something to charley that was not new to my thoughts . first i complimented charley on the room , and indeed it was so fresh and airy , so spotless and neat , that i could scarce believe i had been lying there so long . this delighted charley , and her face was brighter than before . yet , charley , said i , looking round , i miss something , surely , that i am accustomed to . poor little charley looked round too and pretended to shake her head as if there were nothing absent . are the pictures all as they used to be . i asked her . every one of them , miss , said charley . and the furniture , charley . except where i have moved it about to make more room , miss . and yet , said i , miss some familiar object . ah , i know what it is , charley . its the looking glass . charley got up from the table , making as if she had forgotten something , and went into the next room and i heard her sob there . i had thought of this very often . i was now certain of it . i could thank god that it was not a shock to me now . i called charley back , and when she came  first pretending to smile , but as she drew nearer to me , looking grieved  took her in my arms and said , it matters very little , charley . i hope i can do without my old face very well . i was presently so far advanced as to be able to sit up in a great chair and even giddily to walk into the adjoining room , leaning on charley . the mirror was gone from its usual place in that room too , but what i had to bear was none the harder to bear for that . my guardian had throughout been earnest to visit me , and there was now no good reason why i should deny myself that happiness . he came one morning , and when he first came in , could only hold me in his embrace and say , my dear , girl . i had long known  could know better . a deep fountain of affection and generosity his heart was and was it not worth my trivial suffering and change to fill such a place in it . oh , yes . i thought . he has seen me , and he loves me better than he did he has seen me and is even fonder of me than he was before and what have i to mourn for . he sat down by me on the sofa , supporting me with his arm . for a little while he sat with his hand over his face , but when he removed it , fell into his usual manner . there never can have been , there never can be , a pleasanter manner . my little woman , said he , what a sad time this has been . such an inflexible little woman , too , through all . only for the best , guardian , said i . for the best . he repeated tenderly . of course , for the best . but here have ada and i been perfectly forlorn and miserable here has your friend caddy been coming and going late and early here has every one about the house been utterly lost and dejected here has even poor rick been writing  me too  his anxiety for you . i had read of caddy in adas letters , but not of richard . i told him so . why , no , my dear , he replied . i have thought it better not to mention it to her . and you speak of his writing to you , said i , repeating his emphasis . as if it were not natural for him to do so , guardian as if he could write to a better friend . he thinks he could , my love , returned my guardian , and to many a better . the truth is , he wrote to me under a sort of protest while unable to write to you with any hope of an answer  coldly , haughtily , distantly , resentfully . well , dearest little woman , we must look forbearingly on it . he is not to blame . jarndyce and jarndyce has warped him out of himself and perverted me in his eyes . i have known it do as bad deeds , and worse , many a time . if two angels could be concerned in it , i believe it would change their nature . it has not changed yours , guardian . oh , yes , it has , my dear , he said laughingly . it has made the south wind easterly , i dont know how often . rick mistrusts and suspects me  to lawyers , and is taught to mistrust and suspect me . hears i have conflicting interests , claims clashing against his and what not . whereas , heaven knows that if i could get out of the mountains of wiglomeration on which my unfortunate name has been so long bestowed or could level them by the extinction of my own original right which i cant either , and no human power ever can , anyhow , i believe , to such a pass have we got , i would do it this hour . i would rather restore to poor rick his proper nature than be endowed with all the money that dead suitors , broken , heart and soul , upon the wheel of chancery , have left unclaimed with the accountant general thats money enough , my dear , to be cast into a pyramid , in memory of chancerys transcendent wickedness . is it possible , guardian , i asked , amazed , that richard can be suspicious of you . ah , my love , my love , he said , it is in the subtle poison of such abuses to breed such diseases . his blood is infected , and objects lose their natural aspects in his sight . it is not his fault . but it is a terrible misfortune , guardian . it is a terrible misfortune , little woman , to be ever drawn within the influences of jarndyce and jarndyce . i know none greater . by little and little he has been induced to trust in that rotten reed , and it communicates some portion of its rottenness to everything around him . but again i say with all my soul , we must be patient with poor rick and not blame him . what a troop of fine fresh hearts like his have i seen in my time turned by the same means . i could not help expressing something of my wonder and regret that his benevolent , disinterested intentions had prospered so little . we must not say so , dame durden , he cheerfully replied ada is the happier , i hope , and that is much . i did think that i and both these young creatures might be friends instead of distrustful foes and that we might so far counter act the suit and prove too strong for it . but it was too much to expect . jarndyce and jarndyce was the curtain of ricks cradle . but , guardian , may we not hope that a little experience will teach him what a false and wretched thing it is . we will hope so , my esther , said mr . jarndyce , and that it may not teach him so too late . in any case we must not be hard on him . there are not many grown and matured men living while we speak , good men too , who if they were thrown into this same court as suitors would not be vitally changed and depreciated within three years  two  one . how can we stand amazed at poor rick . a young man so unfortunate , here he fell into a lower tone , as if he were thinking aloud , cannot at first believe that chancery is what it is . he looks to it , flushed and fitfully , to do something with his interests and bring them to some settlement . it procrastinates , disappoints , tries , tortures him wears out his sanguine hopes and patience , thread by thread but he still looks to it , and hankers after it , and finds his whole world treacherous and hollow . well , . enough of this , my dear . he had supported me , as at first , all this time , and his tenderness was so precious to me that i leaned my head upon his shoulder and loved him as if he had been my father . i resolved in my own mind in this little pause , by some means , to see richard when i grew strong and try to set him right . there are better subjects than these , said my guardian , for such a joyful time as the time of our dear girls recovery . and i had a commission to broach one of them as soon as i should begin to talk . when shall ada come to see you , my love . i had been thinking of that too . a little in connexion with the absent mirrors , but not much , for i knew my loving girl would be changed by no change in my looks . dear guardian , said i , as i have shut her out so long  indeed , she is like the light to me  i know it well , dame durden , well . he was so good , his touch expressed such endearing compassion and affection , and the tone of his voice carried such comfort into my heart that i stopped for a little while , quite unable to go on . yes , you are tired , said he . rest a little . as i have kept ada out so long , i began afresh after a short while , i think i should like to have my own way a little longer , guardian . it would be best to be away from here before i see her . if charley and i were to go to some country lodging as soon as i can move , and if i had a week there in which to grow stronger and to be revived by the sweet air and to look forward to the happiness of having ada with me again , i think it would be better for us . i hope it was not a poor thing in me to wish to be a little more used to my altered self before i met the eyes of the dear girl i longed so ardently to see , but it is the truth . i did . he understood me , i was sure but i was not afraid of that . if it were a poor thing , i knew he would pass it over . our spoilt little woman , said my guardian , shall have her own way even in her inflexibility , though at the price , i know , of tears downstairs . and see here . here is boythorn , heart of chivalry , breathing such ferocious vows as never were breathed on paper before , that if you dont go and occupy his whole house , he having already turned out of it expressly for that purpose , by heaven and by earth hell pull it down and not leave one brick standing on another . and my guardian put a letter in my hand , without any ordinary beginning such as my dear jarndyce , but rushing at once into the words , i swear if miss summerson do not come down and take possession of my house , which i vacate for her this day at one oclock , p . m . and then with the utmost seriousness , and in the most emphatic terms , going on to make the extraordinary declaration he had quoted . we did not appreciate the writer the less for laughing heartily over it , and we settled that i should send him a letter of thanks on the morrow and accept his offer . it was a most agreeable one to me , for all the places i could have thought of , i should have liked to go to none so well as chesney wold . now , little housewife , said my guardian , looking at his watch , i was strictly timed before i came upstairs , for you must not be tired too soon and my time has waned away to the last minute . i have one other petition . little miss flite , hearing a rumour that you were ill , made nothing of walking down here  miles , poor soul , in a pair of dancing shoes  inquire . it was heavens mercy we were at home , or she would have walked back again . the old conspiracy to make me happy . everybody seemed to be in it . now , pet , said my guardian , if it would not be irksome to you to admit the harmless little creature one afternoon before you save boythorns otherwise devoted house from demolition , i believe you would make her prouder and better pleased with herself than i  my eminent name is jarndyce  do in a lifetime . i have no doubt he knew there would be something in the simple image of the poor afflicted creature that would fall like a gentle lesson on my mind at that time . i felt it as he spoke to me . i could not tell him heartily enough how ready i was to receive her . i had always pitied her , never so much as now . i had always been glad of my little power to soothe her under her calamity , but never , half so glad before . we arranged a time for miss flite to come out by the coach and share my early dinner . when my guardian left me , i turned my face away upon my couch and prayed to be forgiven if i , surrounded by such blessings , had magnified to myself the little trial that i had to undergo . the childish prayer of that old birthday when i had aspired to be industrious , contented , and true hearted and to do good to some one and win some love to myself if i could came back into my mind with a reproachful sense of all the happiness i had since enjoyed and all the affectionate hearts that had been turned towards me . if i were weak now , what had i profited by those mercies . i repeated the old childish prayer in its old childish words and found that its old peace had not departed from it . my guardian now came every day . in a week or so more i could walk about our rooms and hold long talks with ada from behind the window curtain . yet i never saw her , for i had not as yet the courage to look at the dear face , though i could have done so easily without her seeing me . on the appointed day miss flite arrived . the poor little creature ran into my room quite forgetful of her usual dignity , and crying from her very heart of hearts , my dear fitz jarndyce . fell upon my neck and kissed me twenty times . dear me . said she , putting her hand into her reticule , i have nothing here but documents , my dear fitz jarndyce i must borrow a pocket handkerchief . charley gave her one , and the good creature certainly made use of it , for she held it to her eyes with both hands and sat so , shedding tears for the next ten minutes . with pleasure , my dear fitz jarndyce , she was careful to explain . not the least pain . pleasure to see you well again . pleasure at having the honour of being admitted to see you . i am so much fonder of you , my love , than of the chancellor . though i do attend court regularly . by the by , my dear , mentioning pocket handkerchiefs  miss flite here looked at charley , who had been to meet her at the place where the coach stopped . charley glanced at me and looked unwilling to pursue the suggestion . ve ry right . said miss flite , ve ry correct . truly . highly indiscreet of me to mention it but my dear miss fitz jarndyce , i am afraid i am at times a little  you know , said miss flite , touching her forehead . nothing more . what were you going to tell me . said i , smiling , for i saw she wanted to go on . you have roused my curiosity , and now you must gratify it . miss flite looked at charley for advice in this important crisis , who said , if you please , maam , you had better tell then , and therein gratified miss flite beyond measure . so sagacious , our young friend , said she to me in her mysterious way . diminutive . but ve ry sagacious . well , my dear , its a pretty anecdote . nothing more . still i think it charming . who should follow us down the road from the coach , my dear , but a poor person in a very ungenteel bonnet  jenny , if you please , miss , said charley . just so . miss flite acquiesced with the greatest suavity . jenny . ye es . and what does she tell our young friend but that there has been a lady with a veil inquiring at her cottage after my dear fitz jarndyces health and taking a handkerchief away with her as a little keepsake merely because it was my amiable fitz jarndyces . now , you know , so very prepossessing in the lady with the veil . if you please , miss , said charley , to whom i looked in some astonishment , jenny says that when her baby died , you left a handkerchief there , and that she put it away and kept it with the babys little things . i think , if you please , partly because it was yours , miss , and partly because it had covered the baby . diminutive , whispered miss flite , making a variety of motions about her own forehead to express intellect in charley . but exceedingly sagacious . and so dear . my love , shes clearer than any counsel i ever heard . yes , charley , i returned . i remember it . well . well , miss , said charley , and thats the handkerchief the lady took . and jenny wants you to know that she wouldnt have made away with it herself for a heap of money but that the lady took it and left some money instead . jenny dont know her at all , if you please , miss . why , who can she be . said i . my love , miss flite suggested , advancing her lips to my ear with her most mysterious look , in my opinion  mention this to our diminutive friend  the lord chancellors wife . hes married , you know . and i understand she leads him a terrible life . throws his lordships papers into the fire , my dear , if he wont pay the jeweller . i did not think very much about this lady then , for i had an impression that it might be caddy . besides , my attention was diverted by my visitor , who was cold after her ride and looked hungry and who , our dinner being brought in , required some little assistance in arraying herself with great satisfaction in a pitiable old scarf and a much worn and often mended pair of gloves , which she had brought down in a paper parcel . i had to preside , too , over the entertainment , consisting of a dish of fish , a roast fowl , a sweetbread , vegetables , pudding , and madeira and it was so pleasant to see how she enjoyed it , and with what state and ceremony she did honour to it , that i was soon thinking of nothing else . when we had finished and had our little dessert before us , embellished by the hands of my dear , who would yield the superintendence of everything prepared for me to no one , miss flite was so very chatty and happy that i thought i would lead her to her own history , as she was always pleased to talk about herself . i began by saying you have attended on the lord chancellor many years , miss flite . oh , many , years , my dear . but i expect a judgment . shortly . there was an anxiety even in her hopefulness that made me doubtful if i had done right in approaching the subject . i thought i would say no more about it . my father expected a judgment , said miss flite . my brother . my sister . they all expected a judgment . the same that i expect . they are all  ye es . dead of course , my dear , said she . as i saw she would go on , i thought it best to try to be serviceable to her by meeting the theme rather than avoiding it . would it not be wiser , said i , to expect this judgment no more . why , my dear , she answered promptly , of course it would . and to attend the court no more . equally of course , said she . very wearing to be always in expectation of what never comes , my dear fitz jarndyce . wearing , i assure you , to the bone . she slightly showed me her arm , and it was fearfully thin indeed . but , my dear , she went on in her mysterious way , theres a dreadful attraction in the place . hush . dont mention it to our diminutive friend when she comes in . or it may frighten her . with good reason . theres a cruel attraction in the place . you cant leave it . and you must expect . i tried to assure her that this was not so . she heard me patiently and smilingly , but was ready with her own answer . aye , . you think so because i am a little rambling . ve ry absurd , to be a little rambling , is it not . ve ry confusing , too . to the head . i find it so . but , my dear , i have been there many years , and i have noticed . its the mace and seal upon the table . what could they do , did she think . i mildly asked her . draw , returned miss flite . draw people on , my dear . draw peace out of them . sense out of them . good looks out of them . good qualities out of them . i have felt them even drawing my rest away in the night . cold and glittering devils . she tapped me several times upon the arm and nodded good humouredly as if she were anxious i should understand that i had no cause to fear her , though she spoke so gloomily , and confided these awful secrets to me . let me see , said she . ill tell you my own case . before they ever drew me  i had ever seen them  was it i used to do . tambourine playing . no . tambour work . i and my sister worked at tambour work . our father and our brother had a builders business . we all lived together . ve ry respectably , my dear . first , our father was drawn  . home was drawn with him . in a few years he was a fierce , sour , angry bankrupt without a kind word or a kind look for any one . he had been so different , fitz jarndyce . he was drawn to a debtors prison . there he died . then our brother was drawn  drunkenness . and rags . and death . then my sister was drawn . hush . never ask to what . then i was ill and in misery , and heard , as i had often heard before , that this was all the work of chancery . when i got better , i went to look at the monster . and then i found out how it was , and i was drawn to stay there . having got over her own short narrative , in the delivery of which she had spoken in a low , strained voice , as if the shock were fresh upon her , she gradually resumed her usual air of amiable importance . you dont quite credit me , my dear . well , . you will , some day . i am a little rambling . but i have noticed . i have seen many new faces come , unsuspicious , within the influence of the mace and seal in these many years . as my fathers came there . as my brothers . as my sisters . as my own . i hear conversation kenge and the rest of them say to the new faces , heres little miss flite . oh , you are new here and you must come and be presented to little miss flite . ve ry good . proud i am sure to have the honour . and we all laugh . but , fitz jarndyce , i know what will happen . i know , far better than they do , when the attraction has begun . i know the signs , my dear . i saw them begin in gridley . and i saw them end . fitz jarndyce , my love , speaking low again , i saw them beginning in our friend the ward in jarndyce . let some one hold him back . or hell be drawn to ruin . she looked at me in silence for some moments , with her face gradually softening into a smile . seeming to fear that she had been too gloomy , and seeming also to lose the connexion in her mind , she said politely as she sipped her glass of wine , yes , my dear , as i was saying , i expect a judgment shortly . then i shall release my birds , you know , and confer estates . i was much impressed by her allusion to richard and by the sad meaning , so sadly illustrated in her poor pinched form , that made its way through all her incoherence . but happily for her , she was quite complacent again now and beamed with nods and smiles . but , my dear , she said , gaily , reaching another hand to put it upon mine . you have not congratulated me on my physician . positively not once , yet . i was obliged to confess that i did not quite know what she meant . my physician , mr . woodcourt , my dear , who was so exceedingly attentive to me . though his services were rendered quite gratuitously . until the day of judgment . i mean the judgment that will dissolve the spell upon me of the mace and seal . mr . woodcourt is so far away , now , said i , that i thought the time for such congratulation was past , miss flite . but , my child , she returned , is it possible that you dont know what has happened . no , said i . not what everybody has been talking of , my beloved fitz jarndyce . no , said i . you forget how long i have been here . true . my dear , for the moment  . i blame myself . but my memory has been drawn out of me , with everything else , by what i mentioned . ve ry strong influence , is it not . well , my dear , there has been a terrible shipwreck over in those east indian seas . mr . woodcourt shipwrecked . dont be agitated , my dear . he is safe . an awful scene . death in all shapes . hundreds of dead and dying . fire , storm , and darkness . numbers of the drowning thrown upon a rock . there , and through it all , my dear physician was a hero . calm and brave through everything . saved many lives , never complained in hunger and thirst , wrapped naked people in his spare clothes , took the lead , showed them what to do , governed them , tended the sick , buried the dead , and brought the poor survivors safely off at last . my dear , the poor emaciated creatures all but worshipped him . they fell down at his feet when they got to the land and blessed him . the whole country rings with it . stay . wheres my bag of documents . i have got it there , and you shall read it , you shall read it . and i did read all the noble history , though very slowly and imperfectly then , for my eyes were so dimmed that i could not see the words , and i cried so much that i was many times obliged to lay down the long account she had cut out of the newspaper . i felt so triumphant ever to have known the man who had done such generous and gallant deeds , i felt such glowing exultation in his renown , i so admired and loved what he had done , that i envied the storm worn people who had fallen at his feet and blessed him as their preserver . i could myself have kneeled down then , so far away , and blessed him in my rapture that he should be so truly good and brave . i felt that no one  , sister , wife  honour him more than i . i did , indeed . my poor little visitor made me a present of the account , and when as the evening began to close in she rose to take her leave , lest she should miss the coach by which she was to return , she was still full of the shipwreck , which i had not yet sufficiently composed myself to understand in all its details . my dear , said she as she carefully folded up her scarf and gloves , my brave physician ought to have a title bestowed upon him . and no doubt he will . you are of that opinion . that he well deserved one , yes . that he would ever have one , no . why not , fitz jarndyce . she asked rather sharply . i said it was not the custom in england to confer titles on men distinguished by peaceful services , however good and great , unless occasionally when they consisted of the accumulation of some very large amount of money . why , good gracious , said miss flite , how can you say that . surely you know , my dear , that all the greatest ornaments of england in knowledge , imagination , active humanity , and improvement of every sort are added to its nobility . look round you , my dear , and consider . you must be rambling a little now , i think , if you dont know that this is the great reason why titles will always last in the land . i am afraid she believed what she said , for there were moments when she was very mad indeed . and now i must part with the little secret i have thus far tried to keep . i had thought , sometimes , that mr . woodcourt loved me and that if he had been richer he would perhaps have told me that he loved me before he went away . i had thought , sometimes , that if he had done so , i should have been glad of it . but how much better it was now that this had never happened . what should i have suffered if i had to write to him and tell him that the poor face he had known as mine was quite gone from me and that i freely released him from his bondage to one whom he had never seen . oh , it was so much better as it was . with a great pang mercifully spared me , i could take back to my heart my childish prayer to be all he had so brightly shown himself and there was nothing to be undone no chain for me to break or for him to drag and i could go , please god , my lowly way along the path of duty , and he could go his nobler way upon its broader road and though we were apart upon the journey , i might aspire to meet him , unselfishly , innocently , better far than he had thought me when i found some favour in his eyes , at the journeys end . chapter xxxvi chesney wold charley and i did not set off alone upon our expedition into lincolnshire . my guardian had made up his mind not to lose sight of me until i was safe in mr . boythorns house , so he accompanied us , and we were two days upon the road . i found every breath of air , and every scent , and every flower and leaf and blade of grass , and every passing cloud , and everything in nature , more beautiful and wonderful to me than i had ever found it yet . this was my first gain from my illness . how little i had lost , when the wide world was so full of delight for me . my guardian intending to go back immediately , we appointed , on our way down , a day when my dear girl should come . i wrote her a letter , of which he took charge , and he left us within half an hour of our arrival at our destination , on a delightful evening in the early summer time . if a good fairy had built the house for me with a wave of her wand , and i had been a princess and her favoured god child, , i could not have been more considered in it . so many preparations were made for me and such an endearing remembrance was shown of all my little tastes and likings that i could have sat down , overcome , a dozen times before i had revisited half the rooms . i did better than that , however , by showing them all to charley instead . charleys delight calmed mine and after we had a walk in the garden , and charley had exhausted her whole vocabulary of admiring expressions , i was as tranquilly happy as i ought to have been . it was a great comfort to be able to say to myself after tea , esther , my dear , i think you are quite sensible enough to sit down now and write a note of thanks to your host . he had left a note of welcome for me , as sunny as his own face , and had confided his bird to my care , which i knew to be his highest mark of confidence . accordingly i wrote a little note to him in london , telling him how all his favourite plants and trees were looking , and how the most astonishing of birds had chirped the honours of the house to me in the most hospitable manner , and how , after singing on my shoulder , to the inconceivable rapture of my little maid , he was then at roost in the usual corner of his cage , but whether dreaming or no i could not report . my note finished and sent off to the post , i made myself very busy in unpacking and arranging and i sent charley to bed in good time and told her i should want her no more that night . for i had not yet looked in the glass and had never asked to have my own restored to me . i knew this to be a weakness which must be overcome , but i had always said to myself that i would begin afresh when i got to where i now was . therefore i had wanted to be alone , and therefore i said , now alone , in my own room , esther , if you are to be happy , if you are to have any right to pray to be true hearted, , you must keep your word , my dear . i was quite resolved to keep it , but i sat down for a little while first to reflect upon all my blessings . and then i said my prayers and thought a little more . my hair had not been cut off , though it had been in danger more than once . it was long and thick . i let it down , and shook it out , and went up to the glass upon the dressing table . there was a little muslin curtain drawn across it . i drew it back and stood for a moment looking through such a veil of my own hair that i could see nothing else . then i put my hair aside and looked at the reflection in the mirror , encouraged by seeing how placidly it looked at me . i was very much changed  , very , much . at first my face was so strange to me that i think i should have put my hands before it and started back but for the encouragement i have mentioned . very soon it became more familiar , and then i knew the extent of the alteration in it better than i had done at first . it was not like what i had expected , but i had expected nothing definite , and i dare say anything definite would have surprised me . i had never been a beauty and had never thought myself one , but i had been very different from this . it was all gone now . heaven was so good to me that i could let it go with a few not bitter tears and could stand there arranging my hair for the night quite thankfully . one thing troubled me , and i considered it for a long time before i went to sleep . i had kept mr . woodcourts flowers . when they were withered i had dried them and put them in a book that i was fond of . nobody knew this , not even ada . i was doubtful whether i had a right to preserve what he had sent to one so different  it was generous towards him to do it . i wished to be generous to him , even in the secret depths of my heart , which he would never know , because i could have loved him  have been devoted to him . at last i came to the conclusion that i might keep them if i treasured them only as a remembrance of what was irrevocably past and gone , never to be looked back on any more , in any other light . i hope this may not seem trivial . i was very much in earnest . i took care to be up early in the morning and to be before the glass when charley came in on tiptoe . dear , miss . cried charley , starting . is that you . yes , charley , said i , quietly putting up my hair . and i am very well indeed , and very happy . i saw it was a weight off charleys mind , but it was a greater weight off mine . i knew the worst now and was composed to it . i shall not conceal , as i go on , the weaknesses i could not quite conquer , but they always passed from me soon and the happier frame of mind stayed by me faithfully . wishing to be fully re established in my strength and my good spirits before ada came , i now laid down a little series of plans with charley for being in the fresh air all day long . we were to be out before breakfast , and were to dine early , and were to be out again before and after dinner , and were to talk in the garden after tea , and were to go to rest betimes , and were to climb every hill and explore every road , lane , and field in the neighbourhood . as to restoratives and strengthening delicacies , mr . boythorns good housekeeper was for ever trotting about with something to eat or drink in her hand i could not even be heard of as resting in the park but she would come trotting after me with a basket , her cheerful face shining with a lecture on the importance of frequent nourishment . then there was a pony expressly for my riding , a chubby pony with a short neck and a mane all over his eyes who could canter  he would  easily and quietly that he was a treasure . in a very few days he would come to me in the paddock when i called him , and eat out of my hand , and follow me about . we arrived at such a capital understanding that when he was jogging with me lazily , and rather obstinately , down some shady lane , if i patted his neck and said , stubbs , i am surprised you dont canter when you know how much i like it and i think you might oblige me , for you are only getting stupid and going to sleep , he would give his head a comical shake or two and set off directly , while charley would stand still and laugh with such enjoyment that her laughter was like music . i dont know who had given stubbs his name , but it seemed to belong to him as naturally as his rough coat . once we put him in a little chaise and drove him triumphantly through the green lanes for five miles but all at once , as we were extolling him to the skies , he seemed to take it ill that he should have been accompanied so far by the circle of tantalizing little gnats that had been hovering round and round his ears the whole way without appearing to advance an inch , and stopped to think about it . i suppose he came to the decision that it was not to be borne , for he steadily refused to move until i gave the reins to charley and got out and walked , when he followed me with a sturdy sort of good humour , putting his head under my arm and rubbing his ear against my sleeve . it was in vain for me to say , now , stubbs , i feel quite sure from what i know of you that you will go on if i ride a little while , for the moment i left him , he stood stock still again . consequently i was obliged to lead the way , as before and in this order we returned home , to the great delight of the village . charley and i had reason to call it the most friendly of villages , i am sure , for in a weeks time the people were so glad to see us go by , though ever so frequently in the course of a day , that there were faces of greeting in every cottage . i had known many of the grown people before and almost all the children , but now the very steeple began to wear a familiar and affectionate look . among my new friends was an old woman who lived in such a little thatched and whitewashed dwelling that when the outside shutter was turned up on its hinges , it shut up the whole house front . this old lady had a grandson who was a sailor , and i wrote a letter to him for her and drew at the top of it the chimney corner in which she had brought him up and where his old stool yet occupied its old place . this was considered by the whole village the most wonderful achievement in the world , but when an answer came back all the way from plymouth , in which he mentioned that he was going to take the picture all the way to america , and from america would write again , i got all the credit that ought to have been given to the post office and was invested with the merit of the whole system . thus , what with being so much in the air , playing with so many children , gossiping with so many people , sitting on invitation in so many cottages , going on with charleys education , and writing long letters to ada every day , i had scarcely any time to think about that little loss of mine and was almost always cheerful . if i did think of it at odd moments now and then , i had only to be busy and forget it . i felt it more than i had hoped i should once when a child said , mother , why is the lady not a pretty lady now like she used to be . but when i found the child was not less fond of me , and drew its soft hand over my face with a kind of pitying protection in its touch , that soon set me up again . there were many little occurrences which suggested to me , with great consolation , how natural it is to gentle hearts to be considerate and delicate towards any inferiority . one of these particularly touched me . i happened to stroll into the little church when a marriage was just concluded , and the young couple had to sign the register . the bridegroom , to whom the pen was handed first , made a rude cross for his mark the bride , who came next , did the same . now , i had known the bride when i was last there , not only as the prettiest girl in the place , but as having quite distinguished herself in the school , and i could not help looking at her with some surprise . she came aside and whispered to me , while tears of honest love and admiration stood in her bright eyes , hes a dear good fellow , miss but he cant write yet  going to learn of me  i wouldnt shame him for the world . why , what had i to fear , i thought , when there was this nobility in the soul of a labouring mans daughter . the air blew as freshly and revivingly upon me as it had ever blown , and the healthy colour came into my new face as it had come into my old one . charley was wonderful to see , she was so radiant and so rosy and we both enjoyed the whole day and slept soundly the whole night . there was a favourite spot of mine in the park woods of chesney wold where a seat had been erected commanding a lovely view . the wood had been cleared and opened to improve this point of sight , and the bright sunny landscape beyond was so beautiful that i rested there at least once every day . a picturesque part of the hall , called the ghosts walk , was seen to advantage from this higher ground and the startling name , and the old legend in the dedlock family which i had heard from mr . boythorn accounting for it , mingled with the view and gave it something of a mysterious interest in addition to its real charms . there was a bank here , too , which was a famous one for violets and as it was a daily delight of charleys to gather wild flowers , she took as much to the spot as i did . it would be idle to inquire now why i never went close to the house or never went inside it . the family were not there , i had heard on my arrival , and were not expected . i was far from being incurious or uninterested about the building on the contrary , i often sat in this place wondering how the rooms ranged and whether any echo like a footstep really did resound at times , as the story said , upon the lonely ghosts walk . the indefinable feeling with which lady dedlock had impressed me may have had some influence in keeping me from the house even when she was absent . i am not sure . her face and figure were associated with it , naturally but i cannot say that they repelled me from it , though something did . for whatever reason or no reason , i had never once gone near it , down to the day at which my story now arrives . i was resting at my favourite point after a long ramble , and charley was gathering violets at a little distance from me . i had been looking at the ghosts walk lying in a deep shade of masonry afar off and picturing to myself the female shape that was said to haunt it when i became aware of a figure approaching through the wood . the perspective was so long and so darkened by leaves , and the shadows of the branches on the ground made it so much more intricate to the eye , that at first i could not discern what figure it was . by little and little it revealed itself to be a womans  ladys  dedlocks . she was alone and coming to where i sat with a much quicker step , i observed to my surprise , than was usual with her . i was fluttered by her being unexpectedly so near she was almost within speaking distance before i knew her and would have risen to continue my walk . but i could not . i was rendered motionless . not so much by her hurried gesture of entreaty , not so much by her quick advance and outstretched hands , not so much by the great change in her manner and the absence of her haughty self restraint, , as by a something in her face that i had pined for and dreamed of when i was a little child , something i had never seen in any face , something i had never seen in hers before . a dread and faintness fell upon me , and i called to charley . lady dedlock stopped upon the instant and changed back almost to what i had known her . miss summerson , i am afraid i have startled you , she said , now advancing slowly . you can scarcely be strong yet . you have been very ill , i know . i have been much concerned to hear it . i could no more have removed my eyes from her pale face than i could have stirred from the bench on which i sat . she gave me her hand , and its deadly coldness , so at variance with the enforced composure of her features , deepened the fascination that overpowered me . i cannot say what was in my whirling thoughts . you are recovering again . she asked kindly . i was quite well but a moment ago , lady dedlock . is this your young attendant . yes . will you send her on before and walk towards your house with me . charley , said i , take your flowers home , and i will follow you directly . charley , with her best curtsy , blushingly tied on her bonnet and went her way . when she was gone , lady dedlock sat down on the seat beside me . i cannot tell in any words what the state of my mind was when i saw in her hand my handkerchief with which i had covered the dead baby . i looked at her , but i could not see her , i could not hear her , i could not draw my breath . the beating of my heart was so violent and wild that i felt as if my life were breaking from me . but when she caught me to her breast , kissed me , wept over me , compassionated me , and called me back to myself when she fell down on her knees and cried to me , oh , my child , my child , i am your wicked and unhappy mother . oh , try to forgive me . i saw her at my feet on the bare earth in her great agony of mind , i felt , through all my tumult of emotion , a burst of gratitude to the providence of god that i was so changed as that i never could disgrace her by any trace of likeness , as that nobody could ever now look at me and look at her and remotely think of any near tie between us . i raised my mother up , praying and beseeching her not to stoop before me in such affliction and humiliation . i did so in broken , incoherent words , for besides the trouble i was in , it frightened me to see her at my feet . i told her  i tried to tell her  if it were for me , her child , under any circumstances to take upon me to forgive her , i did it , and had done it , many , years . i told her that my heart overflowed with love for her , that it was natural love which nothing in the past had changed or could change . that it was not for me , then resting for the first time on my mothers bosom , to take her to account for having given me life , but that my duty was to bless her and receive her , though the whole world turned from her , and that i only asked her leave to do it . i held my mother in my embrace , and she held me in hers , and among the still woods in the silence of the summer day there seemed to be nothing but our two troubled minds that was not at peace . to bless and receive me , groaned my mother , it is far too late . i must travel my dark road alone , and it will lead me where it will . from day to day , sometimes from hour to hour , i do not see the way before my guilty feet . this is the earthly punishment i have brought upon myself . i bear it , and i hide it . even in the thinking of her endurance , she drew her habitual air of proud indifference about her like a veil , though she soon cast it off again . i must keep this secret , if by any means it can be kept , not wholly for myself . i have a husband , wretched and dishonouring creature that i am . these words she uttered with a suppressed cry of despair , more terrible in its sound than any shriek . covering her face with her hands , she shrank down in my embrace as if she were unwilling that i should touch her nor could i , by my utmost persuasions or by any endearments i could use , prevail upon her to rise . she said , no , she could only speak to me so she must be proud and disdainful everywhere else she would be humbled and ashamed there , in the only natural moments of her life . my unhappy mother told me that in my illness she had been nearly frantic . she had but then known that her child was living . she could not have suspected me to be that child before . she had followed me down here to speak to me but once in all her life . we never could associate , never could communicate , never probably from that time forth could interchange another word on earth . she put into my hands a letter she had written for my reading only and said when i had read it and destroyed it  not so much for her sake , since she asked nothing , as for her husbands and my own  must evermore consider her as dead . if i could believe that she loved me , in this agony in which i saw her , with a mothers love , she asked me to do that , for then i might think of her with a greater pity , imagining what she suffered . she had put herself beyond all hope and beyond all help . whether she preserved her secret until death or it came to be discovered and she brought dishonour and disgrace upon the name she had taken , it was her solitary struggle always and no affection could come near her , and no human creature could render her any aid . but is the secret safe so far . i asked . is it safe now , dearest mother . no , replied my mother . it has been very near discovery . it was saved by an accident . it may be lost by another accident  , any day . do you dread a particular person . hush . do not tremble and cry so much for me . i am not worthy of these tears , said my mother , kissing my hands . i dread one person very much . an enemy . not a friend . one who is too passionless to be either . he is sir leicester dedlocks lawyer , mechanically faithful without attachment , and very jealous of the profit , privilege , and reputation of being master of the mysteries of great houses . has he any suspicions . many . not of you . i said alarmed . yes . he is always vigilant and always near me . i may keep him at a standstill , but i can never shake him off . has he so little pity or compunction . he has none , and no anger . he is indifferent to everything but his calling . his calling is the acquisition of secrets and the holding possession of such power as they give him , with no sharer or opponent in it . could you trust in him . i shall never try . the dark road i have trodden for so many years will end where it will . i follow it alone to the end , whatever the end be . it may be near , it may be distant while the road lasts , nothing turns me . dear mother , are you so resolved . i am resolved . i have long outbidden folly with folly , pride with pride , scorn with scorn , insolence with insolence , and have outlived many vanities with many more . i will outlive this danger , and outdie it , if i can . it has closed around me almost as awfully as if these woods of chesney wold had closed around the house , but my course through it is the same . i have but one i can have but one . mr . jarndyce  i was beginning when my mother hurriedly inquired , does he suspect . no , said i . no , indeed . be assured that he does not . and i told her what he had related to me as his knowledge of my story . but he is so good and sensible , said i , that perhaps if he knew  my mother , who until this time had made no change in her position , raised her hand up to my lips and stopped me . confide fully in him , she said after a little while . you have my free consent  small gift from such a mother to her injured child . do not tell me of it . some pride is left in me even yet . i explained , as nearly as i could then , or can recall now  my agitation and distress throughout were so great that i scarcely understood myself , though every word that was uttered in the mothers voice , so unfamiliar and so melancholy to me , which in my childhood i had never learned to love and recognize , had never been sung to sleep with , had never heard a blessing from , had never had a hope inspired by , made an enduring impression on my memory  say i explained , or tried to do it , how i had only hoped that mr . jarndyce , who had been the best of fathers to me , might be able to afford some counsel and support to her . but my mother answered no , it was impossible no one could help her . through the desert that lay before her , she must go alone . my child , my child . she said . for the last time . these kisses for the last time . these arms upon my neck for the last time . we shall meet no more . to hope to do what i seek to do , i must be what i have been so long . such is my reward and doom . if you hear of lady dedlock , brilliant , prosperous , and flattered , think of your wretched mother , conscience stricken, , underneath that mask . think that the reality is in her suffering , in her useless remorse , in her murdering within her breast the only love and truth of which it is capable . and then forgive her if you can , and cry to heaven to forgive her , which it never can . we held one another for a little space yet , but she was so firm that she took my hands away , and put them back against my breast , and with a last kiss as she held them there , released them , and went from me into the wood . i was alone , and calm and quiet below me in the sun and shade lay the old house , with its terraces and turrets , on which there had seemed to me to be such complete repose when i first saw it , but which now looked like the obdurate and unpitying watcher of my mothers misery . stunned as i was , as weak and helpless at first as i had ever been in my sick chamber , the necessity of guarding against the danger of discovery , or even of the remotest suspicion , did me service . i took such precautions as i could to hide from charley that i had been crying , and i constrained myself to think of every sacred obligation that there was upon me to be careful and collected . it was not a little while before i could succeed or could even restrain bursts of grief , but after an hour or so i was better and felt that i might return . i went home very slowly and told charley , whom i found at the gate looking for me , that i had been tempted to extend my walk after lady dedlock had left me and that i was over tired and would lie down . safe in my own room , i read the letter . i clearly derived from it  that was much then  i had not been abandoned by my mother . her elder and only sister , the godmother of my childhood , discovering signs of life in me when i had been laid aside as dead , had in her stern sense of duty , with no desire or willingness that i should live , reared me in rigid secrecy and had never again beheld my mothers face from within a few hours of my birth . so strangely did i hold my place in this world that until within a short time back i had never , to my own mothers knowledge , breathed  been buried  never been endowed with life  never borne a name . when she had first seen me in the church she had been startled and had thought of what would have been like me if it had ever lived , and had lived on , but that was all then . what more the letter told me needs not to be repeated here . it has its own times and places in my story . my first care was to burn what my mother had written and to consume even its ashes . i hope it may not appear very unnatural or bad in me that i then became heavily sorrowful to think i had ever been reared . that i felt as if i knew it would have been better and happier for many people if indeed i had never breathed . that i had a terror of myself as the danger and the possible disgrace of my own mother and of a proud family name . that i was so confused and shaken as to be possessed by a belief that it was right and had been intended that i should die in my birth , and that it was wrong and not intended that i should be then alive . these are the real feelings that i had . i fell asleep worn out , and when i awoke i cried afresh to think that i was back in the world with my load of trouble for others . i was more than ever frightened of myself , thinking anew of her against whom i was a witness , of the owner of chesney wold , of the new and terrible meaning of the old words now moaning in my ear like a surge upon the shore , your mother , esther , was your disgrace , and you are hers . the time will come  soon enough  you will understand this better , and will feel it too , as no one save a woman can . with them , those other words returned , pray daily that the sins of others be not visited upon your head . i could not disentangle all that was about me , and i felt as if the blame and the shame were all in me , and the visitation had come down . the day waned into a gloomy evening , overcast and sad , and i still contended with the same distress . i went out alone , and after walking a little in the park , watching the dark shades falling on the trees and the fitful flight of the bats , which sometimes almost touched me , was attracted to the house for the first time . perhaps i might not have gone near it if i had been in a stronger frame of mind . as it was , i took the path that led close by it . i did not dare to linger or to look up , but i passed before the terrace garden with its fragrant odours , and its broad walks , and its well kept beds and smooth turf and i saw how beautiful and grave it was , and how the old stone balustrades and parapets , and wide flights of shallow steps , were seamed by time and weather and how the trained moss and ivy grew about them , and around the old stone pedestal of the sun dial and i heard the fountain falling . then the way went by long lines of dark windows diversified by turreted towers and porches of eccentric shapes , where old stone lions and grotesque monsters bristled outside dens of shadow and snarled at the evening gloom over the escutcheons they held in their grip . thence the path wound underneath a gateway , and through a court yard where the principal entrance was and by the stables where none but deep voices seemed to be , whether in the murmuring of the wind through the strong mass of ivy holding to a high red wall , or in the low complaining of the weathercock , or in the barking of the dogs , or in the slow striking of a clock . so , encountering presently a sweet smell of limes , whose rustling i could hear , i turned with the turning of the path to the south front , and there above me were the balustrades of the ghosts walk and one lighted window that might be my mothers . the way was paved here , like the terrace overhead , and my footsteps from being noiseless made an echoing sound upon the flags . stopping to look at nothing , but seeing all i did see as i went , i was passing quickly on , and in a few moments should have passed the lighted window , when my echoing footsteps brought it suddenly into my mind that there was a dreadful truth in the legend of the ghosts walk , that it was i who was to bring calamity upon the stately house and that my warning feet were haunting it even then . seized with an augmented terror of myself which turned me cold , i ran from myself and everything , retraced the way by which i had come , and never paused until i had gained the lodge gate, , and the park lay sullen and black behind me . not before i was alone in my own room for the night and had again been dejected and unhappy there did i begin to know how wrong and thankless this state was . but from my darling who was coming on the morrow , i found a joyful letter , full of such loving anticipation that i must have been of marble if it had not moved me from my guardian , too , i found another letter , asking me to tell dame durden , if i should see that little woman anywhere , that they had moped most pitiably without her , that the housekeeping was going to rack and ruin , that nobody else could manage the keys , and that everybody in and about the house declared it was not the same house and was becoming rebellious for her return . two such letters together made me think how far beyond my deserts i was beloved and how happy i ought to be . that made me think of all my past life and that brought me , as it ought to have done before , into a better condition . for i saw very well that i could not have been intended to die , or i should never have lived not to say should never have been reserved for such a happy life . i saw very well how many things had worked together for my welfare , and that if the sins of the fathers were sometimes visited upon the children , the phrase did not mean what i had in the morning feared it meant . i knew i was as innocent of my birth as a queen of hers and that before my heavenly father i should not be punished for birth nor a queen rewarded for it . i had experience , in the shock of that very day , that i could , even thus soon , find comforting reconcilements to the change that had fallen on me . i renewed my resolutions and prayed to be strengthened in them , pouring out my heart for myself and for my unhappy mother and feeling that the darkness of the morning was passing away . it was not upon my sleep and when the next days light awoke me , it was gone . my dear girl was to arrive at five oclock in the afternoon . how to help myself through the intermediate time better than by taking a long walk along the road by which she was to come , i did not know so charley and i and stubbs  saddled , for we never drove him after the one great occasion  a long expedition along that road and back . on our return , we held a great review of the house and garden and saw that everything was in its prettiest condition , and had the bird out ready as an important part of the establishment . there were more than two full hours yet to elapse before she could come , and in that interval , which seemed a long one , i must confess i was nervously anxious about my altered looks . i loved my darling so well that i was more concerned for their effect on her than on any one . i was not in this slight distress because i at all repined  am quite certain i did not , that day  , i thought , would she be wholly prepared . when she first saw me , might she not be a little shocked and disappointed . might it not prove a little worse than she expected . might she not look for her old esther and not find her . might she not have to grow used to me and to begin all over again . i knew the various expressions of my sweet girls face so well , and it was such an honest face in its loveliness , that i was sure beforehand she could not hide that first look from me . and i considered whether , if it should signify any one of these meanings , which was so very likely , could i quite answer for myself . well , i thought i could . after last night , i thought i could . but to wait and wait , and expect and expect , and think and think , was such bad preparation that i resolved to go along the road again and meet her . so i said to charley , i will go by myself and walk along the road until she comes . charley highly approving of anything that pleased me , i went and left her at home . but before i got to the second milestone , i had been in so many palpitations from seeing dust in the distance though i knew it was not , and could not , be the coach yet that i resolved to turn back and go home again . and when i had turned , i was in such fear of the coach coming up behind me though i still knew that it neither would , nor could , do any such thing that i ran the greater part of the way to avoid being overtaken . then , i considered , when i had got safe back again , this was a nice thing to have done . now i was hot and had made the worst of it instead of the best . at last , when i believed there was at least a quarter of an hour more yet , charley all at once cried out to me as i was trembling in the garden , here she comes , miss . here she is . i did not mean to do it , but i ran upstairs into my room and hid myself behind the door . there i stood trembling , even when i heard my darling calling as she came upstairs , esther , my dear , my love , where are you . little woman , dear dame durden . she ran in , and was running out again when she saw me . ah , my angel girl . the old dear look , all love , all fondness , all affection . nothing else in it  , nothing , . oh , how happy i was , down upon the floor , with my sweet beautiful girl down upon the floor too , holding my scarred face to her lovely cheek , bathing it with tears and kisses , rocking me to and fro like a child , calling me by every tender name that she could think of , and pressing me to her faithful heart . chapter xxxvii jarndyce and jarndyce if the secret i had to keep had been mine , i must have confided it to ada before we had been long together . but it was not mine , and i did not feel that i had a right to tell it , even to my guardian , unless some great emergency arose . it was a weight to bear alone still my present duty appeared to be plain , and blest in the attachment of my dear , i did not want an impulse and encouragement to do it . though often when she was asleep and all was quiet , the remembrance of my mother kept me waking and made the night sorrowful , i did not yield to it at another time and ada found me what i used to be  , of course , in that particular of which i have said enough and which i have no intention of mentioning any more just now , if i can help it . the difficulty that i felt in being quite composed that first evening when ada asked me , over our work , if the family were at the house , and when i was obliged to answer yes , i believed so , for lady dedlock had spoken to me in the woods the day before yesterday , was great . greater still when ada asked me what she had said , and when i replied that she had been kind and interested , and when ada , while admitting her beauty and elegance , remarked upon her proud manner and her imperious chilling air . but charley helped me through , unconsciously , by telling us that lady dedlock had only stayed at the house two nights on her way from london to visit at some other great house in the next county and that she had left early on the morning after we had seen her at our view , as we called it . charley verified the adage about little pitchers , i am sure , for she heard of more sayings and doings in a day than would have come to my ears in a month . we were to stay a month at mr . boythorns . my pet had scarcely been there a bright week , as i recollect the time , when one evening after we had finished helping the gardener in watering his flowers , and just as the candles were lighted , charley , appearing with a very important air behind adas chair , beckoned me mysteriously out of the room . oh . if you please , miss , said charley in a whisper , with her eyes at their roundest and largest . youre wanted at the dedlock arms . why , charley , said i , who can possibly want me at the public house . i dont know , miss , returned charley , putting her head forward and folding her hands tight upon the band of her little apron , which she always did in the enjoyment of anything mysterious or confidential , but its a gentleman , miss , and his compliments , and will you please to come without saying anything about it . whose compliments , charley . hisn , miss , returned charley , whose grammatical education was advancing , but not very rapidly . and how do you come to be the messenger , charley . i am not the messenger , if you please , miss , returned my little maid . it was w . grubble , miss . and who is w . grubble , charley . mister grubble , miss , returned charley . dont you know , miss . the dedlock arms , by w . grubble , which charley delivered as if she were slowly spelling out the sign . aye . the landlord , charley . yes , miss . if you please , miss , his wife is a beautiful woman , but she broke her ankle , and it never joined . and her brothers the sawyer that was put in the cage , miss , and they expect hell drink himself to death entirely on beer , said charley . not knowing what might be the matter , and being easily apprehensive now , i thought it best to go to this place by myself . i bade charley be quick with my bonnet and veil and my shawl , and having put them on , went away down the little hilly street , where i was as much at home as in mr . boythorns garden . mr . grubble was standing in his shirt sleeves at the door of his very clean little tavern waiting for me . he lifted off his hat with both hands when he saw me coming , and carrying it so , as if it were an iron vessel preceded me along the sanded passage to his best parlour , a neat carpeted room with more plants in it than were quite convenient , a coloured print of queen caroline , several shells , a good many tea trays, , two stuffed and dried fish in glass cases , and either a curious egg or a curious pumpkin but i dont know which , and i doubt if many people did hanging from his ceiling . i knew mr . grubble very well by sight , from his often standing at his door . a pleasant looking, , stoutish , middle aged man who never seemed to consider himself cozily dressed for his own fire side without his hat and top boots, , but who never wore a coat except at church . he snuffed the candle , and backing away a little to see how it looked , backed out of the room  to me , for i was going to ask him by whom he had been sent . the door of the opposite parlour being then opened , i heard some voices , familiar in my ears i thought , which stopped . a quick light step approached the room in which i was , and who should stand before me but richard . my dear esther . he said . my best friend . and he really was so warm hearted and earnest that in the first surprise and pleasure of his brotherly greeting i could scarcely find breath to tell him that ada was well . answering my very thoughts  the same dear girl . said richard , leading me to a chair and seating himself beside me . i put my veil up , but not quite . always the same dear girl . said richard just as heartily as before . i put up my veil altogether , and laying my hand on richards sleeve and looking in his face , told him how much i thanked him for his kind welcome and how greatly i rejoiced to see him , the more so because of the determination i had made in my illness , which i now conveyed to him . my love , said richard , there is no one with whom i have a greater wish to talk than you , for i want you to understand me . and i want you , richard , said i , shaking my head , to understand some one else . since you refer so immediately to john jarndyce , said richard , suppose you mean him . of course i do . then i may say at once that i am glad of it , because it is on that subject that i am anxious to be understood . by you , mind  , my dear . i am not accountable to mr . jarndyce or mr . anybody . i was pained to find him taking this tone , and he observed it . well , my dear , said richard , we wont go into that now . i want to appear quietly in your country house here , with you under my arm , and give my charming cousin a surprise . i suppose your loyalty to john jarndyce will allow that . my dear richard , i returned , you know you would be heartily welcome at his house  home , if you will but consider it so and you are as heartily welcome here . spoken like the best of little women . cried richard gaily . i asked him how he liked his profession . oh , i like it well enough . said richard . its all right . it does as well as anything else , for a time . i dont know that i shall care about it when i come to be settled , but i can sell out then and  , never mind all that botheration at present . so young and handsome , and in all respects so perfectly the opposite of miss flite . and yet , in the clouded , eager , seeking look that passed over him , so dreadfully like her . i am in town on leave just now , said richard . indeed . yes . i have run over to look after my  chancery interests before the long vacation , said richard , forcing a careless laugh . we are beginning to spin along with that old suit at last , i promise you . no wonder that i shook my head . as you say , its not a pleasant subject . richard spoke with the same shade crossing his face as before . let it go to the four winds for to night . puff . gone . who do you suppose is with me . was it mr . skimpoles voice i heard . thats the man . he does me more good than anybody . what a fascinating child it is . i asked richard if any one knew of their coming down together . he answered , no , nobody . he had been to call upon the dear old infant  he called mr . skimpole  the dear old infant had told him where we were , and he had told the dear old infant he was bent on coming to see us , and the dear old infant had directly wanted to come too and so he had brought him . and he is worth  to say his sordid expenses  thrice his weight in gold , said richard . he is such a cheery fellow . no worldliness about him . fresh and green hearted . i certainly did not see the proof of mr . skimpoles worldliness in his having his expenses paid by richard , but i made no remark about that . indeed , he came in and turned our conversation . he was charmed to see me , said he had been shedding delicious tears of joy and sympathy at intervals for six weeks on my account , had never been so happy as in hearing of my progress , began to understand the mixture of good and evil in the world now , felt that he appreciated health the more when somebody else was ill , didnt know but what it might be in the scheme of things that a should squint to make b happier in looking straight or that c should carry a wooden leg to make d better satisfied with his flesh and blood in a silk stocking . my dear miss summerson , here is our friend richard , said mr . skimpole , full of the brightest visions of the future , which he evokes out of the darkness of chancery . now thats delightful , thats inspiriting , thats full of poetry . in old times the woods and solitudes were made joyous to the shepherd by the imaginary piping and dancing of pan and the nymphs . this present shepherd , our pastoral richard , brightens the dull inns of court by making fortune and her train sport through them to the melodious notes of a judgment from the bench . thats very pleasant , you know . some ill conditioned growling fellow may say to me , whats the use of these legal and equitable abuses . how do you defend them . i reply , my growling friend , i dont defend them , but they are very agreeable to me . there is a shepherd  , a friend of mine , who transmutes them into something highly fascinating to my simplicity . i dont say it is for this that they exist  i am a child among you worldly grumblers , and not called upon to account to you or myself for anything  it may be so . i began seriously to think that richard could scarcely have found a worse friend than this . it made me uneasy that at such a time when he most required some right principle and purpose he should have this captivating looseness and putting off of everything , this airy dispensing with all principle and purpose , at his elbow . i thought i could understand how such a nature as my guardians , experienced in the world and forced to contemplate the miserable evasions and contentions of the family misfortune , found an immense relief in mr . skimpoles avowal of his weaknesses and display of guileless candour but i could not satisfy myself that it was as artless as it seemed or that it did not serve mr . skimpoles idle turn quite as well as any other part , and with less trouble . they both walked back with me , and mr . skimpole leaving us at the gate , i walked softly in with richard and said , ada , my love , i have brought a gentleman to visit you . it was not difficult to read the blushing , startled face . she loved him dearly , and he knew it , and i knew it . it was a very transparent business , that meeting as cousins only . i almost mistrusted myself as growing quite wicked in my suspicions , but i was not so sure that richard loved her dearly . he admired her very much  one must have done that  i dare say would have renewed their youthful engagement with great pride and ardour but that he knew how she would respect her promise to my guardian . still i had a tormenting idea that the influence upon him extended even here , that he was postponing his best truth and earnestness in this as in all things until jarndyce and jarndyce should be off his mind . ah me . what richard would have been without that blight , i never shall know now . he told ada , in his most ingenuous way , that he had not come to make any secret inroad on the terms she had accepted rather too implicitly and confidingly , he thought from mr . jarndyce , that he had come openly to see her and to see me and to justify himself for the present terms on which he stood with mr . jarndyce . as the dear old infant would be with us directly , he begged that i would make an appointment for the morning , when he might set himself right through the means of an unreserved conversation with me . i proposed to walk with him in the park at seven oclock , and this was arranged . mr . skimpole soon afterwards appeared and made us merry for an hour . he particularly requested to see little coavinses and told her , with a patriarchal air , that he had given her late father all the business in his power and that if one of her little brothers would make haste to get set up in the same profession , he hoped he should still be able to put a good deal of employment in his way . for i am constantly being taken in these nets , said mr . skimpole , looking beamingly at us over a glass of wine and , and am constantly being bailed out  a boat . or paid off  a ships company . somebody always does it for me . i cant do it , you know , for i never have any money . but somebody does it . i get out by somebodys means i am not like the starling i get out . if you were to ask me who somebody is , upon my word i couldnt tell you . let us drink to somebody . god bless him . richard was a little late in the morning , but i had not to wait for him long , and we turned into the park . the air was bright and dewy and the sky without a cloud . the birds sang delightfully the sparkles in the fern , the grass , and trees , were exquisite to see the richness of the woods seemed to have increased twenty fold since yesterday , as if , in the still night when they had looked so massively hushed in sleep , nature , through all the minute details of every wonderful leaf , had been more wakeful than usual for the glory of that day . this is a lovely place , said richard , looking round . none of the jar and discord of law suits here . but there was other trouble . i tell you what , my dear girl , said richard , when i get affairs in general settled , i shall come down here , i think , and rest . would it not be better to rest now . i asked . oh , as to resting now , said richard , or as to doing anything very definite now , thats not easy . in short , it cant be done i cant do it at least . why not . said i . you know why not , esther . if you were living in an unfinished house , liable to have the roof put on or taken off  be from top to bottom pulled down or built up  , next day , next week , next month , next year  would find it hard to rest or settle . so do i . now . theres no now for us suitors . i could almost have believed in the attraction on which my poor little wandering friend had expatiated when i saw again the darkened look of last night . terrible to think it had in it also a shade of that unfortunate man who had died . my dear richard , said i , this is a bad beginning of our conversation . i knew you would tell me so , dame durden . and not i alone , dear richard . it was not i who cautioned you once never to found a hope or expectation on the family curse . there you come back to john jarndyce . said richard impatiently . well . we must approach him sooner or later , for he is the staple of what i have to say , and its as well at once . my dear esther , how can you be so blind . dont you see that he is an interested party and that it may be very well for him to wish me to know nothing of the suit , and care nothing about it , but that it may not be quite so well for me . oh , richard , i remonstrated , is it possible that you can ever have seen him and heard him , that you can ever have lived under his roof and known him , and can yet breathe , even to me in this solitary place where there is no one to hear us , such unworthy suspicions . he reddened deeply , as if his natural generosity felt a pang of reproach . he was silent for a little while before he replied in a subdued voice , esther , i am sure you know that i am not a mean fellow and that i have some sense of suspicion and distrust being poor qualities in one of my years . i know it very well , said i . i am not more sure of anything . thats a dear girl , retorted richard , and like you , because it gives me comfort . i had need to get some scrap of comfort out of all this business , for its a bad one at the best , as i have no occasion to tell you . i know perfectly , said i . i know as well , richard  shall i say . as well as you do  such misconstructions are foreign to your nature . and i know , as well as you know , what so changes it . come , sister , come , said richard a little more gaily , you will be fair with me at all events . if i have the misfortune to be under that influence , so has he . if it has a little twisted me , it may have a little twisted him too . i dont say that he is not an honourable man , out of all this complication and uncertainty i am sure he is . but it taints everybody . you know it taints everybody . you have heard him say so fifty times . then why should he escape . because , said i , his is an uncommon character , and he has resolutely kept himself outside the circle , richard . oh , because and because . replied richard in his vivacious way . i am not sure , my dear girl , but that it may be wise and specious to preserve that outward indifference . it may cause other parties interested to become lax about their interests and people may die off , and points may drag themselves out of memory , and many things may smoothly happen that are convenient enough . i was so touched with pity for richard that i could not reproach him any more , even by a look . i remembered my guardians gentleness towards his errors and with what perfect freedom from resentment he had spoken of them . esther , richard resumed , you are not to suppose that i have come here to make underhanded charges against john jarndyce . i have only come to justify myself . what i say is , it was all very well and we got on very well while i was a boy , utterly regardless of this same suit but as soon as i began to take an interest in it and to look into it , then it was quite another thing . then john jarndyce discovers that ada and i must break off and that if i dont amend that very objectionable course , i am not fit for her . now , esther , i dont mean to amend that very objectionable course i will not hold john jarndyces favour on those unfair terms of compromise , which he has no right to dictate . whether it pleases him or displeases him , i must maintain my rights and adas . i have been thinking about it a good deal , and this is the conclusion i have come to . poor dear richard . he had indeed been thinking about it a good deal . his face , his voice , his manner , all showed that too plainly . so i tell him honourably you are to know i have written to him about all this that we are at issue and that we had better be at issue openly than covertly . i thank him for his goodwill and his protection , and he goes his road , and i go mine . the fact is , our roads are not the same . under one of the wills in dispute , i should take much more than he . i dont mean to say that it is the one to be established , but there it is , and it has its chance . i have not to learn from you , my dear richard , said i , of your letter . i had heard of it already without an offended or angry word . indeed . replied richard , softening . i am glad i said he was an honourable man , out of all this wretched affair . but i always say that and have never doubted it . now , my dear esther , i know these views of mine appear extremely harsh to you , and will to ada when you tell her what has passed between us . but if you had gone into the case as i have , if you had only applied yourself to the papers as i did when i was at kenges , if you only knew what an accumulation of charges and counter charges, , and suspicions and cross suspicions, , they involve , you would think me moderate in comparison . perhaps so , said i . but do you think that , among those many papers , there is much truth and justice , richard . there is truth and justice somewhere in the case , esther  or was once , long ago , said i . is  be somewhere , pursued richard impetuously , and must be brought out . to allow ada to be made a bribe and hush money of is not the way to bring it out . you say the suit is changing me john jarndyce says it changes , has changed , and will change everybody who has any share in it . then the greater right i have on my side when i resolve to do all i can to bring it to an end . all you can , richard . do you think that in these many years no others have done all they could . has the difficulty grown easier because of so many failures . it cant last for ever , returned richard with a fierceness kindling in him which again presented to me that last sad reminder . i am young and earnest , and energy and determination have done wonders many a time . others have only half thrown themselves into it . i devote myself to it . i make it the object of my life . oh , richard , my dear , so much the worse , so much the worse . no , dont you be afraid for me , he returned affectionately . youre a dear , good , wise , quiet , blessed girl but you have your prepossessions . so i come round to john jarndyce . i tell you , my good esther , when he and i were on those terms which he found so convenient , we were not on natural terms . are division and animosity your natural terms , richard . no , i dont say that . i mean that all this business puts us on unnatural terms , with which natural relations are incompatible . see another reason for urging it on . i may find out when its over that i have been mistaken in john jarndyce . my head may be clearer when i am free of it , and i may then agree with what you say to day . very well . then i shall acknowledge it and make him reparation . everything postponed to that imaginary time . everything held in confusion and indecision until then . now , my best of confidantes , said richard , i want my cousin ada to understand that i am not captious , fickle , and wilful about john jarndyce , but that i have this purpose and reason at my back . i wish to represent myself to her through you , because she has a great esteem and respect for her cousin john and i know you will soften the course i take , even though you disapprove of it and  in short , said richard , who had been hesitating through these words , i  dont like to represent myself in this litigious , contentious , doubting character to a confiding girl like ada . i told him that he was more like himself in those latter words than in anything he had said yet . why , acknowledged richard , that may be true enough , my love . i rather feel it to be so . but i shall be able to give myself fair play by and by . i shall come all right again , then , dont you be afraid . i asked him if this were all he wished me to tell ada . not quite , said richard . i am bound not to withhold from her that john jarndyce answered my letter in his usual manner , addressing me as my dear rick , trying to argue me out of my opinions , and telling me that they should make no difference in him . all very well of course , but not altering the case . i also want ada to know that if i see her seldom just now , i am looking after her interests as well as my own  two being in the same boat exactly  that i hope she will not suppose from any flying rumours she may hear that i am at all light headed or imprudent on the contrary , i am always looking forward to the termination of the suit , and always planning in that direction . being of age now and having taken the step i have taken , i consider myself free from any accountability to john jarndyce but ada being still a ward of the court , i dont yet ask her to renew our engagement . when she is free to act for herself , i shall be myself once more and we shall both be in very different worldly circumstances , i believe . if you tell her all this with the advantage of your considerate way , you will do me a very great and a very kind service , my dear esther and i shall knock jarndyce and jarndyce on the head with greater vigour . of course i ask for no secrecy at bleak house . richard , said i , you place great confidence in me , but i fear you will not take advice from me . its impossible that i can on this subject , my dear girl . on any other , readily . as if there were any other in his life . as if his whole career and character were not being dyed one colour . but i may ask you a question , richard . i think so , said he , laughing . i dont know who may not , if you may not . you say , yourself , you are not leading a very settled life . how can i , my dear esther , with nothing settled . are you in debt again . why , of course i am , said richard , astonished at my simplicity . is it of course . my dear child , certainly . i cant throw myself into an object so completely without expense . you forget , or perhaps you dont know , that under either of the wills ada and i take something . its only a question between the larger sum and the smaller . i shall be within the mark any way . bless your heart , my excellent girl , said richard , quite amused with me , i shall be all right . i shall pull through , my dear . i felt so deeply sensible of the danger in which he stood that i tried , in adas name , in my guardians , in my own , by every fervent means that i could think of , to warn him of it and to show him some of his mistakes . he received everything i said with patience and gentleness , but it all rebounded from him without taking the least effect . i could not wonder at this after the reception his preoccupied mind had given to my guardians letter , but i determined to try adas influence yet . so when our walk brought us round to the village again , and i went home to breakfast , i prepared ada for the account i was going to give her and told her exactly what reason we had to dread that richard was losing himself and scattering his whole life to the winds . it made her very unhappy , of course , though she had a far , greater reliance on his correcting his errors than i could have  was so natural and loving in my dear . she presently wrote him this little letter my dearest cousin , esther has told me all you said to her this morning . i write this to repeat most earnestly for myself all that she said to you and to let you know how sure i am that you will sooner or later find our cousin john a pattern of truth , sincerity , and goodness , when you will deeply , deeply grieve to have done him so much wrong . i do not quite know how to write what i wish to say next , but i trust you will understand it as i mean it . i have some fears , my dearest cousin , that it may be partly for my sake you are now laying up so much unhappiness for yourself  if for yourself , for me . in case this should be so , or in case you should entertain much thought of me in what you are doing , i most earnestly entreat and beg you to desist . you can do nothing for my sake that will make me half so happy as for ever turning your back upon the shadow in which we both were born . do not be angry with me for saying this . pray , dear richard , for my sake , and for your own , and in a natural repugnance for that source of trouble which had its share in making us both orphans when we were very young , pray , let it go for ever . we have reason to know by this time that there is no good in it and no hope , that there is nothing to be got from it but sorrow . my dearest cousin , it is needless for me to say that you are quite free and that it is very likely you may find some one whom you will love much better than your first fancy . i am quite sure , if you will let me say so , that the object of your choice would greatly prefer to follow your fortunes far and wide , however moderate or poor , and see you happy , doing your duty and pursuing your chosen way , than to have the hope of being , or even to be , very rich with you at the cost of dragging years of procrastination and anxiety and of your indifference to other aims . you may wonder at my saying this so confidently with so little knowledge or experience , but i know it for a certainty from my own heart . ever , my dearest cousin , your most affectionate ada this note brought richard to us very soon , but it made little change in him if any . we would fairly try , he said , who was right and who was wrong  would show us  should see . he was animated and glowing , as if adas tenderness had gratified him but i could only hope , with a sigh , that the letter might have some stronger effect upon his mind on re perusal than it assuredly had then . as they were to remain with us that day and had taken their places to return by the coach next morning , i sought an opportunity of speaking to mr . skimpole . our out of life easily threw one in my way , and i delicately said that there was a responsibility in encouraging richard . responsibility , my dear miss summerson . he repeated , catching at the word with the pleasantest smile . i am the last man in the world for such a thing . i never was responsible in my life  cant be . i am afraid everybody is obliged to be , said i timidly enough , he being so much older and more clever than i . no , really . said mr . skimpole , receiving this new light with a most agreeable jocularity of surprise . but every mans not obliged to be solvent . i am not . i never was . see , my dear miss summerson , he took a handful of loose silver and halfpence from his pocket , theres so much money . i have not an idea how much . i have not the power of counting . call it four and ninepence  it four pound nine . they tell me i owe more than that . i dare say i do . i dare say i owe as much as good natured people will let me owe . if they dont stop , why should i . there you have harold skimpole in little . if thats responsibility , i am responsible . the perfect ease of manner with which he put the money up again and looked at me with a smile on his refined face , as if he had been mentioning a curious little fact about somebody else , almost made me feel as if he really had nothing to do with it . now , when you mention responsibility , he resumed , i am disposed to say that i never had the happiness of knowing any one whom i should consider so refreshingly responsible as yourself . you appear to me to be the very touchstone of responsibility . when i see you , my dear miss summerson , intent upon the perfect working of the whole little orderly system of which you are the centre , i feel inclined to say to myself  fact i do say to myself very often  responsibility . it was difficult , after this , to explain what i meant but i persisted so far as to say that we all hoped he would check and not confirm richard in the sanguine views he entertained just then . most willingly , he retorted , if i could . but , my dear miss summerson , i have no art , no disguise . if he takes me by the hand and leads me through westminster hall in an airy procession after fortune , i must go . if he says , skimpole , join the dance . i must join it . common sense wouldnt , i know , but i have no common sense . it was very unfortunate for richard , i said . do you think so . returned mr . skimpole . dont say that , dont say that . let us suppose him keeping company with common sense  excellent man  good deal wrinkled  practical  for a ten pound note in every pocket  account book in his hand  , upon the whole , resembling a tax gatherer . our dear richard , sanguine , ardent , overleaping obstacles , bursting with poetry like a young bud , says to this highly respectable companion , i see a golden prospect before me its very bright , its very beautiful , its very joyous here i go , bounding over the landscape to come at it . the respectable companion instantly knocks him down with the ruled account book tells him in a literal , prosaic way that he sees no such thing shows him its nothing but fees , fraud , horsehair wigs , and black gowns . now you know thats a painful change  in the last degree , i have no doubt , but disagreeable . i cant do it . i havent got the ruled account book, , i have none of the tax gathering elements in my composition , i am not at all respectable , and i dont want to be . odd perhaps , but so it is . it was idle to say more , so i proposed that we should join ada and richard , who were a little in advance , and i gave up mr . skimpole in despair . he had been over the hall in the course of the morning and whimsically described the family pictures as we walked . there were such portentous shepherdesses among the ladies dedlock dead and gone , he told us , that peaceful crooks became weapons of assault in their hands . they tended their flocks severely in buckram and powder and put their sticking plaster patches on to terrify commoners as the chiefs of some other tribes put on their war paint . there was a sir somebody dedlock , with a battle , a sprung mine, , volumes of smoke , flashes of lightning , a town on fire , and a stormed fort , all in full action between his horses two hind legs , showing , he supposed , how little a dedlock made of such trifles . the whole race he represented as having evidently been , in life , what he called stuffed people  large collection , glassy eyed , set up in the most approved manner on their various twigs and perches , very correct , perfectly free from animation , and always in glass cases . i was not so easy now during any reference to the name but that i felt it a relief when richard , with an exclamation of surprise , hurried away to meet a stranger whom he first descried coming slowly towards us . dear me . said mr . skimpole . vholes . we asked if that were a friend of richards . friend and legal adviser , said mr . skimpole . now , my dear miss summerson , if you want common sense , responsibility , and respectability , all united  you want an exemplary man  is the man . we had not known , we said , that richard was assisted by any gentleman of that name . when he emerged from legal infancy , returned mr . skimpole , he parted from our conversational friend kenge and took up , i believe , with vholes . indeed , i know he did , because i introduced him to vholes . had you known him long . asked ada . vholes . my dear miss clare , i had that kind of acquaintance with him which i have had with several gentlemen of his profession . he had done something or other in a very agreeable , civil manner  proceedings , i think , is the expression  ended in the proceeding of his taking me . somebody was so good as to step in and pay the money  and fourpence was the amount i forget the pounds and shillings , but i know it ended with fourpence , because it struck me at the time as being so odd that i could owe anybody fourpence  after that i brought them together . vholes asked me for the introduction , and i gave it . now i come to think of it , he looked inquiringly at us with his frankest smile as he made the discovery , vholes bribed me , perhaps . he gave me something and called it commission . was it a five pound note . do you know , i think it must have been a five pound note . his further consideration of the point was prevented by richards coming back to us in an excited state and hastily representing mr . vholes  sallow man with pinched lips that looked as if they were cold , a red eruption here and there upon his face , tall and thin , about fifty years of age , high shouldered, , and stooping . dressed in black , and buttoned to the chin , there was nothing so remarkable in him as a lifeless manner and a slow , fixed way he had of looking at richard . i hope i dont disturb you , ladies , said mr . vholes , and now i observed that he was further remarkable for an inward manner of speaking . i arranged with mr . carstone that he should always know when his cause was in the chancellors paper , and being informed by one of my clerks last night after post time that it stood , rather unexpectedly , in the paper for to morrow, , i put myself into the coach early this morning and came down to confer with him . yes , said richard , flushed , and looking triumphantly at ada and me , we dont do these things in the old slow way now . we spin along now . mr . vholes , we must hire something to get over to the post town in , and catch the mail to night, , and go up by it . anything you please , sir , returned mr . vholes . i am quite at your service . let me see , said richard , looking at his watch . if i run down to the dedlock , and get my portmanteau fastened up , and order a gig , or a chaise , or whatevers to be got , we shall have an hour then before starting . ill come back to tea . cousin ada , will you and esther take care of mr . vholes when i am gone . he was away directly , in his heat and hurry , and was soon lost in the dusk of evening . we who were left walked on towards the house . is mr . carstones presence necessary to morrow, , sir . said i . can it do any good . no , miss , mr . vholes replied . i am not aware that it can . both ada and i expressed our regret that he should go , then , only to be disappointed . mr . carstone has laid down the principle of watching his own interests , said mr . vholes , and when a client lays down his own principle , and it is not immoral , it devolves upon me to carry it out . i wish in business to be exact and open . i am a widower with three daughters  , jane , and caroline  my desire is so to discharge the duties of life as to leave them a good name . this appears to be a pleasant spot , miss . the remark being made to me in consequence of my being next him as we walked , i assented and enumerated its chief attractions . indeed . said mr . vholes . i have the privilege of supporting an aged father in the vale of taunton  native place  i admire that country very much . i had no idea there was anything so attractive here . to keep up the conversation , i asked mr . vholes if he would like to live altogether in the country . there , miss , said he , you touch me on a tender string . my health is not good and if i had only myself to consider , i should take refuge in rural habits , especially as the cares of business have prevented me from ever coming much into contact with general society , and particularly with ladies society , which i have most wished to mix in . but with my three daughters , emma , jane , and caroline  my aged father  cannot afford to be selfish . it is true i have no longer to maintain a dear grandmother who died in her hundred and second year , but enough remains to render it indispensable that the mill should be always going . it required some attention to hear him on account of his inward speaking and his lifeless manner . you will excuse my having mentioned my daughters , he said . they are my weak point . i wish to leave the poor girls some little independence , as well as a good name . we now arrived at mr . boythorns house , where the tea table, , all prepared , was awaiting us . richard came in restless and hurried shortly afterwards , and leaning over mr . vholess chair , whispered something in his ear . mr . vholes replied aloud  as nearly aloud i suppose as he had ever replied to anything  will drive me , will you , sir . it is all the same to me , sir . anything you please . i am quite at your service . we understood from what followed that mr . skimpole was to be left until the morning to occupy the two places which had been already paid for . as ada and i were both in low spirits concerning richard and very sorry so to part with him , we made it as plain as we politely could that we should leave mr . skimpole to the dedlock arms and retire when the night travellers were gone . richards high spirits carrying everything before them , we all went out together to the top of the hill above the village , where he had ordered a gig to wait and where we found a man with a lantern standing at the head of the gaunt pale horse that had been harnessed to it . i never shall forget those two seated side by side in the lanterns light , richard all flush and fire and laughter , with the reins in his hand mr . vholes quite still , black gloved, , and buttoned up , looking at him as if he were looking at his prey and charming it . i have before me the whole picture of the warm dark night , the summer lightning , the dusty track of road closed in by hedgerows and high trees , the gaunt pale horse with his ears pricked up , and the driving away at speed to jarndyce and jarndyce . my dear girl told me that night how richards being thereafter prosperous or ruined , befriended or deserted , could only make this difference to her , that the more he needed love from one unchanging heart , the more love that unchanging heart would have to give him how he thought of her through his present errors , and she would think of him at all times  of herself if she could devote herself to him , never of her own delights if she could minister to his . and she kept her word . i look along the road before me , where the distance already shortens and the journeys end is growing visible and true and good above the dead sea of the chancery suit and all the ashy fruit it cast ashore , i think i see my darling . chapter xxxviii a struggle when our time came for returning to bleak house again , we were punctual to the day and were received with an overpowering welcome . i was perfectly restored to health and strength , and finding my housekeeping keys laid ready for me in my room , rang myself in as if i had been a new year , with a merry little peal . once more , duty , esther , said i and if you are not overjoyed to do it , more than cheerfully and contentedly , through anything and everything , you ought to be . thats all i have to say to you , my dear . the first few mornings were mornings of so much bustle and business , devoted to such settlements of accounts , such repeated journeys to and fro between the growlery and all other parts of the house , so many rearrangements of drawers and presses , and such a general new beginning altogether , that i had not a moments leisure . but when these arrangements were completed and everything was in order , i paid a visit of a few hours to london , which something in the letter i had destroyed at chesney wold had induced me to decide upon in my own mind . i made caddy jellyby  maiden name was so natural to me that i always called her by it  pretext for this visit and wrote her a note previously asking the favour of her company on a little business expedition . leaving home very early in the morning , i got to london by stage coach in such good time that i got to newman street with the day before me . caddy , who had not seen me since her wedding day, , was so glad and so affectionate that i was half inclined to fear i should make her husband jealous . but he was , in his way , just as bad  mean as good and in short it was the old story , and nobody would leave me any possibility of doing anything meritorious . the elder mr . turveydrop was in bed , i found , and caddy was milling his chocolate , which a melancholy little boy who was an apprentice  seemed such a curious thing to be apprenticed to the trade of dancing  waiting to carry upstairs . her father in was extremely kind and considerate , caddy told me , and they lived most happily together . when she spoke of their living together , she meant that the old gentleman had all the good things and all the good lodging , while she and her husband had what they could get , and were poked into two corner rooms over the mews . and how is your mama , caddy . said i . why , i hear of her , esther , replied caddy , through pa , but i see very little of her . we are good friends , i am glad to say , but ma thinks there is something absurd in my having married a dancing master, , and she is rather afraid of its extending to her . it struck me that if mrs . jellyby had discharged her own natural duties and obligations before she swept the horizon with a telescope in search of others , she would have taken the best precautions against becoming absurd , but i need scarcely observe that i kept this to myself . and your papa , caddy . he comes here every evening , returned caddy , and is so fond of sitting in the corner there that its a treat to see him . looking at the corner , i plainly perceived the mark of mr . jellybys head against the wall . it was consolatory to know that he had found such a resting place for it . and you , caddy , said i , you are always busy , ill be bound . well , my dear , returned caddy , i am indeed , for to tell you a grand secret , i am qualifying myself to give lessons . princes health is not strong , and i want to be able to assist him . what with schools , and classes here , and private pupils , and the apprentices , he really has too much to do , poor fellow . the notion of the apprentices was still so odd to me that i asked caddy if there were many of them . four , said caddy . one in door, , and three out . they are very good children only when they get together they will play  of attending to their work . so the little boy you saw just now waltzes by himself in the empty kitchen , and we distribute the others over the house as well as we can . that is only for their steps , of course . said i . only for their steps , said caddy . in that way they practise , so many hours at a time , whatever steps they happen to be upon . they dance in the academy , and at this time of year we do figures at five every morning . why , what a laborious life . i exclaimed . i assure you , my dear , returned caddy , smiling , when the out door apprentices ring us up in the morning the bell rings into our room , not to disturb old mr . turveydrop , and when i put up the window and see them standing on the door step with their little pumps under their arms , i am actually reminded of the sweeps . all this presented the art to me in a singular light , to be sure . caddy enjoyed the effect of her communication and cheerfully recounted the particulars of her own studies . you see , my dear , to save expense i ought to know something of the piano , and i ought to know something of the kit too , and consequently i have to practise those two instruments as well as the details of our profession . if ma had been like anybody else , i might have had some little musical knowledge to begin upon . however , i hadnt any and that part of the work is , at first , a little discouraging , i must allow . but i have a very good ear , and i am used to drudgery  have to thank ma for that , at all events  where theres a will theres a way , you know , esther , the world over . saying these words , caddy laughingly sat down at a little jingling square piano and really rattled off a quadrille with great spirit . then she good humouredly and blushingly got up again , and while she still laughed herself , said , dont laugh at me , please thats a dear girl . i would sooner have cried , but i did neither . i encouraged her and praised her with all my heart . for i conscientiously believed , dancing masters wife though she was , and dancing mistress though in her limited ambition she aspired to be , she had struck out a natural , wholesome , loving course of industry and perseverance that was quite as good as a mission . my dear , said caddy , delighted , you cant think how you cheer me . i shall owe you , dont know how much . what changes , esther , even in my small world . you recollect that first night , when i was so unpolite and inky . who would have thought , then , of my ever teaching people to dance , of all other possibilities and impossibilities . her husband , who had left us while we had this chat , now coming back , preparatory to exercising the apprentices in the ball room, , caddy informed me she was quite at my disposal . but it was not my time yet , i was glad to tell her , for i should have been vexed to take her away then . therefore we three adjourned to the apprentices together , and i made one in the dance . the apprentices were the queerest little people . besides the melancholy boy , who , i hoped , had not been made so by waltzing alone in the empty kitchen , there were two other boys and one dirty little limp girl in a gauzy dress . such a precocious little girl , with such a dowdy bonnet on who brought her sandalled shoes in an old threadbare velvet reticule . such mean little boys , when they were not dancing , with string , and marbles , and cramp bones in their pockets , and the most untidy legs and feet  heels particularly . i asked caddy what had made their parents choose this profession for them . caddy said she didnt know perhaps they were designed for teachers , perhaps for the stage . they were all people in humble circumstances , and the melancholy boys mother kept a ginger beer shop . we danced for an hour with great gravity , the melancholy child doing wonders with his lower extremities , in which there appeared to be some sense of enjoyment though it never rose above his waist . caddy , while she was observant of her husband and was evidently founded upon him , had acquired a grace and self possession of her own , which , united to her pretty face and figure , was uncommonly agreeable . she already relieved him of much of the instruction of these young people , and he seldom interfered except to walk his part in the figure if he had anything to do in it . he always played the tune . the affectation of the gauzy child , and her condescension to the boys , was a sight . and thus we danced an hour by the clock . when the practice was concluded , caddys husband made himself ready to go out of town to a school , and caddy ran away to get ready to go out with me . i sat in the ball room in the interval , contemplating the apprentices . the two out door boys went upon the staircase to put on their half boots and pull the in door boys hair , as i judged from the nature of his objections . returning with their jackets buttoned and their pumps stuck in them , they then produced packets of cold bread and meat and bivouacked under a painted lyre on the wall . the little gauzy child , having whisked her sandals into the reticule and put on a trodden down pair of shoes , shook her head into the dowdy bonnet at one shake , and answering my inquiry whether she liked dancing by replying , not with boys , tied it across her chin , and went home contemptuous . old mr . turveydrop is so sorry , said caddy , that he has not finished dressing yet and cannot have the pleasure of seeing you before you go . you are such a favourite of his , esther . i expressed myself much obliged to him , but did not think it necessary to add that i readily dispensed with this attention . it takes him a long time to dress , said caddy , because he is very much looked up to in such things , you know , and has a reputation to support . you cant think how kind he is to pa . he talks to pa of an evening about the prince regent , and i never saw pa so interested . there was something in the picture of mr . turveydrop bestowing his deportment on mr . jellyby that quite took my fancy . i asked caddy if he brought her papa out much . no , said caddy , i dont know that he does that , but he talks to pa , and pa greatly admires him , and listens , and likes it . of course i am aware that pa has hardly any claims to deportment , but they get on together delightfully . you cant think what good companions they make . i never saw pa take snuff before in my life , but he takes one pinch out of mr . turveydrops box regularly and keeps putting it to his nose and taking it away again all the evening . that old mr . turveydrop should ever , in the chances and changes of life , have come to the rescue of mr . jellyby from borrioboola gha appeared to me to be one of the pleasantest of oddities . as to peepy , said caddy with a little hesitation , whom i was most afraid of  to having any family of my own , esther  an inconvenience to mr . turveydrop , the kindness of the old gentleman to that child is beyond everything . he asks to see him , my dear . he lets him take the newspaper up to him in bed he gives him the crusts of his toast to eat he sends him on little errands about the house he tells him to come to me for sixpences . in short , said caddy cheerily , and not to prose , i am a very fortunate girl and ought to be very grateful . where are we going , esther . to the old street road , said i , where i have a few words to say to the solicitors clerk who was sent to meet me at the coach office on the very day when i came to london and first saw you , my dear . now i think of it , the gentleman who brought us to your house . then , indeed , i seem to be naturally the person to go with you , returned caddy . to the old street road we went and there inquired at mrs . guppys residence for mrs . guppy . mrs . guppy , occupying the parlours and having indeed been visibly in danger of cracking herself like a nut in the front parlour door by peeping out before she was asked for , immediately presented herself and requested us to walk in . she was an old lady in a large cap , with rather a red nose and rather an unsteady eye , but smiling all over . her close little sitting room was prepared for a visit , and there was a portrait of her son in it which , i had almost written here , was more like than life it insisted upon him with such obstinacy , and was so determined not to let him off . not only was the portrait there , but we found the original there too . he was dressed in a great many colours and was discovered at a table reading law papers with his forefinger to his forehead . miss summerson , said mr . guppy , rising , this is indeed an oasis . mother , will you be so good as to put a chair for the other lady and get out of the gangway . mrs . guppy , whose incessant smiling gave her quite a waggish appearance , did as her son requested and then sat down in a corner , holding her pocket handkerchief to her chest , like a fomentation , with both hands . i presented caddy , and mr . guppy said that any friend of mine was more than welcome . i then proceeded to the object of my visit . i took the liberty of sending you a note , sir , said i . mr . guppy acknowledged the receipt by taking it out of his breast pocket, , putting it to his lips , and returning it to his pocket with a bow . mr . guppys mother was so diverted that she rolled her head as she smiled and made a silent appeal to caddy with her elbow . could i speak to you alone for a moment . said i . anything like the jocoseness of mr . guppys mother just now , i think i never saw . she made no sound of laughter , but she rolled her head , and shook it , and put her handkerchief to her mouth , and appealed to caddy with her elbow , and her hand , and her shoulder , and was so unspeakably entertained altogether that it was with some difficulty she could marshal caddy through the little folding door into her bedroom adjoining . miss summerson , said mr . guppy , you will excuse the waywardness of a parent ever mindful of a sons appiness . my mother , though highly exasperating to the feelings , is actuated by maternal dictates . i could hardly have believed that anybody could in a moment have turned so red or changed so much as mr . guppy did when i now put up my veil . i asked the favour of seeing you for a few moments here , said i , in preference to calling at mr . kenges because , remembering what you said on an occasion when you spoke to me in confidence , i feared i might otherwise cause you some embarrassment , mr . guppy . i caused him embarrassment enough as it was , i am sure . i never saw such faltering , such confusion , such amazement and apprehension . miss summerson , stammered mr . guppy , i  your pardon , but in our profession  it necessary to be explicit . you have referred to an occasion , miss , when i  did myself the honour of making a declaration which  something seemed to rise in his throat that he could not possibly swallow . he put his hand there , coughed , made faces , tried again to swallow it , coughed again , made faces again , looked all round the room , and fluttered his papers . a kind of giddy sensation has come upon me , miss , he explained , which rather knocks me over . i  little subject to this sort of thing  george . i gave him a little time to recover . he consumed it in putting his hand to his forehead and taking it away again , and in backing his chair into the corner behind him . my intention was to remark , miss , said mr . guppy , dear me  bronchial , i think  . remark that you was so good on that occasion as to repel and repudiate that declaration . you  wouldnt perhaps object to admit that . though no witnesses are present , it might be a satisfaction to  your mind  you was to put in that admission . there can be no doubt , said i , that i declined your proposal without any reservation or qualification whatever , mr . guppy . thank you , miss , he returned , measuring the table with his troubled hands . so far thats satisfactory , and it does you credit . er  is certainly bronchial . be in the tubes  wouldnt perhaps be offended if i was to mention  that its necessary , for your own good sense or any persons sense must show em that  i was to mention that such declaration on my part was final , and there terminated . i quite understand that , said i . perhaps  may not be worth the form , but it might be a satisfaction to your mind  you wouldnt object to admit that , miss . said mr . guppy . i admit it most fully and freely , said i . thank you , returned mr . guppy . very honourable , i am sure . i regret that my arrangements in life , combined with circumstances over which i have no control , will put it out of my power ever to fall back upon that offer or to renew it in any shape or form whatever , but it will ever be a retrospect entwined  friendships bowers . mr . guppys bronchitis came to his relief and stopped his measurement of the table . i may now perhaps mention what i wished to say to you . i began . i shall be honoured , i am sure , said mr . guppy . i am so persuaded that your own good sense and right feeling , miss , will  keep you as square as possible  i can have nothing but pleasure , i am sure , in hearing any observations you may wish to offer . you were so good as to imply , on that occasion  excuse me , miss , said mr . guppy , but we had better not travel out of the record into implication . i cannot admit that i implied anything . you said on that occasion , i recommenced , that you might possibly have the means of advancing my interests and promoting my fortunes by making discoveries of which i should be the subject . i presume that you founded that belief upon your general knowledge of my being an orphan girl , indebted for everything to the benevolence of mr . jarndyce . now , the beginning and the end of what i have come to beg of you is , mr . guppy , that you will have the kindness to relinquish all idea of so serving me . i have thought of this sometimes , and i have thought of it most lately  i have been ill . at length i have decided , in case you should at any time recall that purpose and act upon it in any way , to come to you and assure you that you are altogether mistaken . you could make no discovery in reference to me that would do me the least service or give me the least pleasure . i am acquainted with my personal history , and i have it in my power to assure you that you never can advance my welfare by such means . you may , perhaps , have abandoned this project a long time . if so , excuse my giving you unnecessary trouble . if not , i entreat you , on the assurance i have given you , henceforth to lay it aside . i beg you to do this , for my peace . i am bound to confess , said mr . guppy , that you express yourself , miss , with that good sense and right feeling for which i gave you credit . nothing can be more satisfactory than such right feeling , and if i mistook any intentions on your part just now , i am prepared to tender a full apology . i should wish to be understood , miss , as hereby offering that apology  it , as your own good sense and right feeling will point out the necessity of , to the present proceedings . i must say for mr . guppy that the snuffling manner he had upon him improved very much . he seemed truly glad to be able to do something i asked , and he looked ashamed . if you will allow me to finish what i have to say at once so that i may have no occasion to resume , i went on , seeing him about to speak , you will do me a kindness , sir . i come to you as privately as possible because you announced this impression of yours to me in a confidence which i have really wished to respect  which i always have respected , as you remember . i have mentioned my illness . there really is no reason why i should hesitate to say that i know very well that any little delicacy i might have had in making a request to you is quite removed . therefore i make the entreaty i have now preferred , and i hope you will have sufficient consideration for me to accede to it . i must do mr . guppy the further justice of saying that he had looked more and more ashamed and that he looked most ashamed and very earnest when he now replied with a burning face , upon my word and honour , upon my life , upon my soul , miss summerson , as i am a living man , ill act according to your wish . ill never go another step in opposition to it . ill take my oath to it if it will be any satisfaction to you . in what i promise at this present time touching the matters now in question , continued mr . guppy rapidly , as if he were repeating a familiar form of words , i speak the truth , the whole truth , and nothing but the truth , so  i am quite satisfied , said i , rising at this point , and i thank you very much . caddy , my dear , i am ready . mr . guppys mother returned with caddy now making me the recipient of her silent laughter and her nudges , and we took our leave . mr . guppy saw us to the door with the air of one who was either imperfectly awake or walking in his sleep and we left him there , staring . but in a minute he came after us down the street without any hat , and with his long hair all blown about , and stopped us , saying fervently , miss summerson , upon my honour and soul , you may depend upon me . i do , said i , quite confidently . i beg your pardon , miss , said mr . guppy , going with one leg and staying with the other , but this lady being present  own witness  might be a satisfaction to your mind which i should wish to set at rest if you was to repeat those admissions . well , caddy , said i , turning to her , perhaps you will not be surprised when i tell you , my dear , that there never has been any engagement  no proposal or promise of marriage whatsoever , suggested mr . guppy . no proposal or promise of marriage whatsoever , said i , between this gentleman  william guppy , of penton place , pentonville , in the county of middlesex , he murmured . between this gentleman , mr . william guppy , of penton place , pentonville , in the county of middlesex , and myself . thank you , miss , said mr . guppy . very full  me  name , christian and surname both . i gave them . married woman , i believe . said mr . guppy . married woman . thank you . formerly caroline jellyby , spinster , then of thavies inn , within the city of london , but extra parochial now of newman street , oxford street . much obliged . he ran home and came running back again . touching that matter , you know , i really and truly am very sorry that my arrangements in life , combined with circumstances over which i have no control , should prevent a renewal of what was wholly terminated some time back , said mr . guppy to me forlornly and despondently , but it couldnt be . now could it , you know . i only put it to you . i replied it certainly could not . the subject did not admit of a doubt . he thanked me and ran to his mothers again  back again . its very honourable of you , miss , i am sure , said mr . guppy . if an altar could be erected in the bowers of friendship  , upon my soul , you may rely upon me in every respect save and except the tender passion only . the struggle in mr . guppys breast and the numerous oscillations it occasioned him between his mothers door and us were sufficiently conspicuous in the windy street particularly as his hair wanted cutting to make us hurry away . i did so with a lightened heart but when we last looked back , mr . guppy was still oscillating in the same troubled state of mind . chapter xxxix attorney and client the name of mr . vholes , preceded by the legend ground floor, , is inscribed upon a door post in symonds inn , chancery lane  little , pale , wall eyed, , woebegone inn like a large dust binn of two compartments and a sifter . it looks as if symond were a sparing man in his way and constructed his inn of old building materials which took kindly to the dry rot and to dirt and all things decaying and dismal , and perpetuated symonds memory with congenial shabbiness . quartered in this dingy hatchment commemorative of symond are the legal bearings of mr . vholes . mr . vholess office , in disposition retiring and in situation retired , is squeezed up in a corner and blinks at a dead wall . three feet of knotty floored dark passage bring the client to mr . vholess jet black door , in an angle profoundly dark on the brightest midsummer morning and encumbered by a black bulk head of cellarage staircase against which belated civilians generally strike their brows . mr . vholess chambers are on so small a scale that one clerk can open the door without getting off his stool , while the other who elbows him at the same desk has equal facilities for poking the fire . a smell as of unwholesome sheep blending with the smell of must and dust is referable to the nightly consumption of mutton fat in candles and to the fretting of parchment forms and skins in greasy drawers . the atmosphere is otherwise stale and close . the place was last painted or whitewashed beyond the memory of man , and the two chimneys smoke , and there is a loose outer surface of soot everywhere , and the dull cracked windows in their heavy frames have but one piece of character in them , which is a determination to be always dirty and always shut unless coerced . this accounts for the phenomenon of the weaker of the two usually having a bundle of firewood thrust between its jaws in hot weather . mr . vholes is a very respectable man . he has not a large business , but he is a very respectable man . he is allowed by the greater attorneys who have made good fortunes or are making them to be a most respectable man . he never misses a chance in his practice , which is a mark of respectability . he never takes any pleasure , which is another mark of respectability . he is reserved and serious , which is another mark of respectability . his digestion is impaired , which is highly respectable . and he is making hay of the grass which is flesh , for his three daughters . and his father is dependent on him in the vale of taunton . the one great principle of the english law is to make business for itself . there is no other principle distinctly , certainly , and consistently maintained through all its narrow turnings . viewed by this light it becomes a coherent scheme and not the monstrous maze the laity are apt to think it . let them but once clearly perceive that its grand principle is to make business for itself at their expense , and surely they will cease to grumble . but not perceiving this quite plainly  seeing it by halves in a confused way  laity sometimes suffer in peace and pocket , with a bad grace , and do grumble very much . then this respectability of mr . vholes is brought into powerful play against them . repeal this statute , my good sir . says mr . kenge to a smarting client . repeal it , my dear sir . never , with my consent . alter this law , sir , and what will be the effect of your rash proceeding on a class of practitioners very worthily represented , allow me to say to you , by the opposite attorney in the case , mr . vholes . sir , that class of practitioners would be swept from the face of the earth . now you cannot afford  will say , the social system cannot afford  lose an order of men like mr . vholes . diligent , persevering , steady , acute in business . my dear sir , i understand your present feelings against the existing state of things , which i grant to be a little hard in your case but i can never raise my voice for the demolition of a class of men like mr . vholes . the respectability of mr . vholes has even been cited with crushing effect before parliamentary committees , as in the following blue minutes of a distinguished attorneys evidence . question number five hundred and seventeen thousand eight hundred and sixty nine if i understand you , these forms of practice indisputably occasion delay . answer yes , some delay . question and great expense . answer most assuredly they cannot be gone through for nothing . question and unspeakable vexation . answer i am not prepared to say that . they have never given me any vexation quite the contrary . question but you think that their abolition would damage a class of practitioners . answer i have no doubt of it . question can you instance any type of that class . answer yes . i would unhesitatingly mention mr . vholes . he would be ruined . question mr . vholes is considered , in the profession , a respectable man . answer  proved fatal to the inquiry for ten years  . vholes is considered , in the profession , a most respectable man . so in familiar conversation , private authorities no less disinterested will remark that they dont know what this age is coming to , that we are plunging down precipices , that now here is something else gone , that these changes are death to people like vholes  man of undoubted respectability , with a father in the vale of taunton , and three daughters at home . take a few steps more in this direction , say they , and what is to become of vholess father . is he to perish . and of vholess daughters . are they to be shirt makers, , or governesses . as though , mr . vholes and his relations being minor cannibal chiefs and it being proposed to abolish cannibalism , indignant champions were to put the case thus make man eating unlawful , and you starve the vholeses . in a word , mr . vholes , with his three daughters and his father in the vale of taunton , is continually doing duty , like a piece of timber , to shore up some decayed foundation that has become a pitfall and a nuisance . and with a great many people in a great many instances , the question is never one of a change from wrong to right which is quite an extraneous consideration , but is always one of injury or advantage to that eminently respectable legion , vholes . the chancellor is , within these ten minutes , up for the long vacation . mr . vholes , and his young client , and several blue bags hastily stuffed out of all regularity of form , as the larger sort of serpents are in their first gorged state , have returned to the official den . mr . vholes , quiet and unmoved , as a man of so much respectability ought to be , takes off his close black gloves as if he were skinning his hands , lifts off his tight hat as if he were scalping himself , and sits down at his desk . the client throws his hat and gloves upon the ground  them anywhere , without looking after them or caring where they go flings himself into a chair , half sighing and half groaning rests his aching head upon his hand and looks the portrait of young despair . again nothing done . says richard . nothing , done . dont say nothing done , sir , returns the placid vholes . that is scarcely fair , sir , scarcely fair . why , what is done . says richard , turning gloomily upon him . that may not be the whole question , returns vholes , the question may branch off into what is doing , what is doing . and what is doing . asks the moody client . vholes , sitting with his arms on the desk , quietly bringing the tips of his five right fingers to meet the tips of his five left fingers , and quietly separating them again , and fixedly and slowly looking at his client , replies , a good deal is doing , sir . we have put our shoulders to the wheel , mr . carstone , and the wheel is going round . yes , with ixion on it . how am i to get through the next four or five accursed months . exclaims the young man , rising from his chair and walking about the room . mr . c . returns vholes , following him close with his eyes wherever he goes , your spirits are hasty , and i am sorry for it on your account . excuse me if i recommend you not to chafe so much , not to be so impetuous , not to wear yourself out so . you should have more patience . you should sustain yourself better . i ought to imitate you , in fact , mr . vholes . says richard , sitting down again with an impatient laugh and beating the devils tattoo with his boot on the patternless carpet . sir , returns vholes , always looking at the client as if he were making a lingering meal of him with his eyes as well as with his professional appetite . sir , returns vholes with his inward manner of speech and his bloodless quietude , i should not have had the presumption to propose myself as a model for your imitation or any mans . let me but leave the good name to my three daughters , and that is enough for me i am not a self seeker . but since you mention me so pointedly , i will acknowledge that i should like to impart to you a little of my  , sir , you are disposed to call it insensibility , and i am sure i have no objection  insensibility  little of my insensibility . mr . vholes , explains the client , somewhat abashed , i had no intention to accuse you of insensibility . i think you had , sir , without knowing it , returns the equable vholes . very naturally . it is my duty to attend to your interests with a cool head , and i can quite understand that to your excited feelings i may appear , at such times as the present , insensible . my daughters may know me better my aged father may know me better . but they have known me much longer than you have , and the confiding eye of affection is not the distrustful eye of business . not that i complain , sir , of the eye of business being distrustful quite the contrary . in attending to your interests , i wish to have all possible checks upon me it is right that i should have them i court inquiry . but your interests demand that i should be cool and methodical , mr . carstone and i cannot be otherwise  , sir , not even to please you . mr . vholes , after glancing at the official cat who is patiently watching a mouses hole , fixes his charmed gaze again on his young client and proceeds in his buttoned up, , half audible voice as if there were an unclean spirit in him that will neither come out nor speak out , what are you to do , sir , you inquire , during the vacation . i should hope you gentlemen of the army may find many means of amusing yourselves if you give your minds to it . if you had asked me what i was to do during the vacation , i could have answered you more readily . i am to attend to your interests . i am to be found here , day by day , attending to your interests . that is my duty , mr . c . and term time or vacation makes no difference to me . if you wish to consult me as to your interests , you will find me here at all times alike . other professional men go out of town . i dont . not that i blame them for going i merely say i dont go . this desk is your rock , sir . mr . vholes gives it a rap , and it sounds as hollow as a coffin . not to richard , though . there is encouragement in the sound to him . perhaps mr . vholes knows there is . i am perfectly aware , mr . vholes , says richard , more familiarly and good humouredly, , that you are the most reliable fellow in the world and that to have to do with you is to have to do with a man of business who is not to be hoodwinked . but put yourself in my case , dragging on this dislocated life , sinking deeper and deeper into difficulty every day , continually hoping and continually disappointed , conscious of change upon change for the worse in myself , and of no change for the better in anything else , and you will find it a dark looking case sometimes , as i do . you know , says mr . vholes , that i never give hopes , sir . i told you from the first , mr . c . that i never give hopes . particularly in a case like this , where the greater part of the costs comes out of the estate , i should not be considerate of my good name if i gave hopes . it might seem as if costs were my object . still , when you say there is no change for the better , i must , as a bare matter of fact , deny that . aye . returns richard , brightening . but how do you make it out . mr . carstone , you are represented by  you said just now  rock . yes , sir , says mr . vholes , gently shaking his head and rapping the hollow desk , with a sound as if ashes were falling on ashes , and dust on dust , a rock . thats something . you are separately represented , and no longer hidden and lost in the interests of others . thats something . the suit does not sleep we wake it up , we air it , we walk it about . thats something . its not all jarndyce , in fact as well as in name . thats something . nobody has it all his own way now , sir . and thats something , surely . richard , his face flushing suddenly , strikes the desk with his clenched hand . mr . vholes . if any man had told me when i first went to john jarndyces house that he was anything but the disinterested friend he seemed  he was what he has gradually turned out to be  could have found no words strong enough to repel the slander i could not have defended him too ardently . so little did i know of the world . whereas now i do declare to you that he becomes to me the embodiment of the suit that in place of its being an abstraction , it is john jarndyce that the more i suffer , the more indignant i am with him that every new delay and every new disappointment is only a new injury from john jarndyces hand . no , says vholes . dont say so . we ought to have patience , all of us . besides , i never disparage , sir . i never disparage . mr . vholes , returns the angry client . you know as well as i that he would have strangled the suit if he could . he was not active in it , mr . vholes admits with an appearance of reluctance . he certainly was not active in it . but however , but however , he might have had amiable intentions . who can read the heart , mr . c .  . you can , returns richard . i , mr . c .  . well enough to know what his intentions were . are or are not our interests conflicting . tell  . says richard , accompanying his last three words with three raps on his rock of trust . mr . c . returns vholes , immovable in attitude and never winking his hungry eyes , i should be wanting in my duty as your professional adviser , i should be departing from my fidelity to your interests , if i represented those interests as identical with the interests of mr . jarndyce . they are no such thing , sir . i never impute motives i both have and am a father , and i never impute motives . but i must not shrink from a professional duty , even if it sows dissensions in families . i understand you to be now consulting me professionally as to your interests . you are so . i reply , then , they are not identical with those of mr . jarndyce . of course they are not . cries richard . you found that out long ago . mr . c . returns vholes , i wish to say no more of any third party than is necessary . i wish to leave my good name unsullied , together with any little property of which i may become possessed through industry and perseverance , to my daughters emma , jane , and caroline . i also desire to live in amity with my professional brethren . when mr . skimpole did me the honour , sir  will not say the very high honour , for i never stoop to flattery  bringing us together in this room , i mentioned to you that i could offer no opinion or advice as to your interests while those interests were entrusted to another member of the profession . and i spoke in such terms as i was bound to speak of kenge and carboys office , which stands high . you , sir , thought fit to withdraw your interests from that keeping nevertheless and to offer them to me . you brought them with clean hands , sir , and i accepted them with clean hands . those interests are now paramount in this office . my digestive functions , as you may have heard me mention , are not in a good state , and rest might improve them but i shall not rest , sir , while i am your representative . whenever you want me , you will find me here . summon me anywhere , and i will come . during the long vacation , sir , i shall devote my leisure to studying your interests more and more closely and to making arrangements for moving heaven and earth after michaelmas term and when i ultimately congratulate you , sir , says mr . vholes with the severity of a determined man , when i ultimately congratulate you , sir , with all my heart , on your accession to fortune  , but that i never give hopes , i might say something further about  will owe me nothing beyond whatever little balance may be then outstanding of the costs as between solicitor and client not included in the taxed costs allowed out of the estate . i pretend to no claim upon you , mr . c . but for the zealous and active discharge  the languid and routine discharge , sir that much credit i stipulate for  my professional duty . my duty prosperously ended , all between us is ended . vholes finally adds , by way of rider to this declaration of his principles , that as mr . carstone is about to rejoin his regiment , perhaps mr . c . will favour him with an order on his agent for twenty pounds on account . for there have been many little consultations and attendances of late , sir , observes vholes , turning over the leaves of his diary , and these things mount up , and i dont profess to be a man of capital . when we first entered on our present relations i stated to you openly  is a principle of mine that there never can be too much openness between solicitor and client  i was not a man of capital and that if capital was your object you had better leave your papers in kenges office . no , mr . c . you will find none of the advantages or disadvantages of capital here , sir . this , vholes gives the desk one hollow blow again , is your rock it pretends to be nothing more . the client , with his dejection insensibly relieved and his vague hopes rekindled , takes pen and ink and writes the draft , not without perplexed consideration and calculation of the date it may bear , implying scant effects in the agents hands . all the while , vholes , buttoned up in body and mind , looks at him attentively . all the while , vholess official cat watches the mouses hole . lastly , the client , shaking hands , beseeches mr . vholes , for heavens sake and earths sake , to do his utmost to pull him through the court of chancery . mr . vholes , who never gives hopes , lays his palm upon the clients shoulder and answers with a smile , always here , sir . personally , or by letter , you will always find me here , sir , with my shoulder to the wheel . thus they part , and vholes , left alone , employs himself in carrying sundry little matters out of his diary into his draft bill book for the ultimate behoof of his three daughters . so might an industrious fox or bear make up his account of chickens or stray travellers with an eye to his cubs , not to disparage by that word the three raw visaged, , lank , and buttoned up maidens who dwell with the parent vholes in an earthy cottage situated in a damp garden at kennington . richard , emerging from the heavy shade of symonds inn into the sunshine of chancery lane  there happens to be sunshine there to day thoughtfully on , and turns into lincolns inn , and passes under the shadow of the lincolns inn trees . on many such loungers have the speckled shadows of those trees often fallen on the like bent head , the bitten nail , the lowering eye , the lingering step , the purposeless and dreamy air , the good consuming and consumed , the life turned sour . this lounger is not shabby yet , but that may come . chancery , which knows no wisdom but in precedent , is very rich in such precedents and why should one be different from ten thousand . yet the time is so short since his depreciation began that as he saunters away , reluctant to leave the spot for some long months together , though he hates it , richard himself may feel his own case as if it were a startling one . while his heart is heavy with corroding care , suspense , distrust , and doubt , it may have room for some sorrowful wonder when he recalls how different his first visit there , how different he , how different all the colours of his mind . but injustice breeds injustice the fighting with shadows and being defeated by them necessitates the setting up of substances to combat from the impalpable suit which no man alive can understand , the time for that being long gone by , it has become a gloomy relief to turn to the palpable figure of the friend who would have saved him from this ruin and make him his enemy . richard has told vholes the truth . is he in a hardened or a softened mood , he still lays his injuries equally at that door he was thwarted , in that quarter , of a set purpose , and that purpose could only originate in the one subject that is resolving his existence into itself besides , it is a justification to him in his own eyes to have an embodied antagonist and oppressor . is richard a monster in all this , or would chancery be found rich in such precedents too if they could be got for citation from the recording angel . two pairs of eyes not unused to such people look after him , as , biting his nails and brooding , he crosses the square and is swallowed up by the shadow of the southern gateway . mr . guppy and mr . weevle are the possessors of those eyes , and they have been leaning in conversation against the low stone parapet under the trees . he passes close by them , seeing nothing but the ground . william , says mr . weevle , adjusting his whiskers , theres combustion going on there . its not a case of spontaneous , but its smouldering combustion it is . ah . says mr . guppy . he wouldnt keep out of jarndyce , and i suppose hes over head and ears in debt . i never knew much of him . he was as high as the monument when he was on trial at our place . a good riddance to me , whether as clerk or client . well , tony , that as i was mentioning is what theyre up to . mr . guppy , refolding his arms , resettles himself against the parapet , as resuming a conversation of interest . they are still up to it , sir , says mr . guppy , still taking stock , still examining papers , still going over the heaps and heaps of rubbish . at this rate theyll be at it these seven years . and small is helping . small left us at a weeks notice . told kenge his grandfathers business was too much for the old gentleman and he could better himself by undertaking it . there had been a coolness between myself and small on account of his being so close . but he said you and i began it , and as he had me there  we did  put our acquaintance on the old footing . thats how i come to know what theyre up to . you havent looked in at all . tony , says mr . guppy , a little disconcerted , to be unreserved with you , i dont greatly relish the house , except in your company , and therefore i have not and therefore i proposed this little appointment for our fetching away your things . there goes the hour by the clock . tony  . guppy becomes mysteriously and tenderly eloquent  is necessary that i should impress upon your mind once more that circumstances over which i have no control have made a melancholy alteration in my most cherished plans and in that unrequited image which i formerly mentioned to you as a friend . that image is shattered , and that idol is laid low . my only wish now in connexion with the objects which i had an idea of carrying out in the court with your aid as a friend is to let em alone and bury em in oblivion . do you think it possible , do you think it at all likely i put it to you , tony , as a friend , from your knowledge of that capricious and deep old character who fell a prey to the  element , do you , tony , think it at all likely that on second thoughts he put those letters away anywhere , after you saw him alive , and that they were not destroyed that night . mr . weevle reflects for some time . shakes his head . decidedly thinks not . tony , says mr . guppy as they walk towards the court , once again understand me , as a friend . without entering into further explanations , i may repeat that the idol is down . i have no purpose to serve now but burial in oblivion . to that i have pledged myself . i owe it to myself , and i owe it to the shattered image , as also to the circumstances over which i have no control . if you was to express to me by a gesture , by a wink , that you saw lying anywhere in your late lodgings any papers that so much as looked like the papers in question , i would pitch them into the fire , sir , on my own responsibility . mr . weevle nods . mr . guppy , much elevated in his own opinion by having delivered these observations , with an air in part forensic and in part romantic  gentleman having a passion for conducting anything in the form of an examination , or delivering anything in the form of a summing up or a speech  his friend with dignity to the court . never since it has been a court has it had such a fortunatus purse of gossip as in the proceedings at the rag and bottle shop . regularly , every morning at eight , is the elder mr . smallweed brought down to the corner and carried in , accompanied by mrs . smallweed , judy , and bart and regularly , all day , do they all remain there until nine at night , solaced by gipsy dinners , not abundant in quantity , from the cooks shop , rummaging and searching , digging , delving , and diving among the treasures of the late lamented . what those treasures are they keep so secret that the court is maddened . in its delirium it imagines guineas pouring out of tea pots, , crown pieces overflowing punch bowls, , old chairs and mattresses stuffed with bank of england notes . it possesses itself of the sixpenny history of mr . daniel dancer and his sister , and also of mr . elwes , of suffolk , and transfers all the facts from those authentic narratives to mr . krook . twice when the dustman is called in to carry off a cartload of old paper , ashes , and broken bottles , the whole court assembles and pries into the baskets as they come forth . many times the two gentlemen who write with the ravenous little pens on the tissue paper are seen prowling in the neighbourhood  of each other , their late partnership being dissolved . the sol skilfully carries a vein of the prevailing interest through the harmonic nights . little swills , in what are professionally known as patter allusions to the subject , is received with loud applause and the same vocalist gags in the regular business like a man inspired . even miss m . melvilleson , in the revived caledonian melody of were a nodding, , points the sentiment that the dogs love broo whatever the nature of that refreshment may be with such archness and such a turn of the head towards next door that she is immediately understood to mean mr . smallweed loves to find money , and is nightly honoured with a double encore . for all this , the court discovers nothing and as mrs . piper and mrs . perkins now communicate to the late lodger whose appearance is the signal for a general rally , it is in one continual ferment to discover everything , and more . mr . weevle and mr . guppy , with every eye in the courts head upon them , knock at the closed door of the late lamenteds house , in a high state of popularity . but being contrary to the courts expectation admitted , they immediately become unpopular and are considered to mean no good . the shutters are more or less closed all over the house , and the ground floor is sufficiently dark to require candles . introduced into the back shop by mr . smallweed the younger , they , fresh from the sunlight , can at first see nothing save darkness and shadows but they gradually discern the elder mr . smallweed seated in his chair upon the brink of a well or grave of waste paper, , the virtuous judy groping therein like a female sexton , and mrs . smallweed on the level ground in the vicinity snowed up in a heap of paper fragments , print , and manuscript which would appear to be the accumulated compliments that have been sent flying at her in the course of the day . the whole party , small included , are blackened with dust and dirt and present a fiendish appearance not relieved by the general aspect of the room . there is more litter and lumber in it than of old , and it is dirtier if possible likewise , it is ghostly with traces of its dead inhabitant and even with his chalked writing on the wall . on the entrance of visitors , mr . smallweed and judy simultaneously fold their arms and stop in their researches . aha . croaks the old gentleman . how de do , gentlemen , how de do . come to fetch your property , mr . weevle . thats well , thats well . ha . ha . we should have been forced to sell you up , sir , to pay your warehouse room if you had left it here much longer . you feel quite at home here again , i dare say . glad to see you , glad to see you . mr . weevle , thanking him , casts an eye about . mr . guppys eye follows mr . weevles eye . mr . weevles eye comes back without any new intelligence in it . mr . guppys eye comes back and meets mr . smallweeds eye . that engaging old gentleman is still murmuring , like some wound up instrument running down , how de do , sir  de  and then having run down , he lapses into grinning silence , as mr . guppy starts at seeing mr . tulkinghorn standing in the darkness opposite with his hands behind him . gentleman so kind as to act as my solicitor , says grandfather smallweed . i am not the sort of client for a gentleman of such note , but he is so good . mr . guppy , slightly nudging his friend to take another look , makes a shuffling bow to mr . tulkinghorn , who returns it with an easy nod . mr . tulkinghorn is looking on as if he had nothing else to do and were rather amused by the novelty . a good deal of property here , sir , i should say , mr . guppy observes to mr . smallweed . principally rags and rubbish , my dear friend . rags and rubbish . me and bart and my granddaughter judy are endeavouring to make out an inventory of whats worth anything to sell . but we havent come to much as yet we  . mr . smallweed has run down again , while mr . weevles eye , attended by mr . guppys eye , has again gone round the room and come back . well , sir , says mr . weevle . we wont intrude any longer if youll allow us to go upstairs . anywhere , my dear sir , anywhere . youre at home . make yourself so , pray . as they go upstairs , mr . guppy lifts his eyebrows inquiringly and looks at tony . tony shakes his head . they find the old room very dull and dismal , with the ashes of the fire that was burning on that memorable night yet in the discoloured grate . they have a great disinclination to touch any object , and carefully blow the dust from it first . nor are they desirous to prolong their visit , packing the few movables with all possible speed and never speaking above a whisper . look here , says tony , recoiling . heres that horrible cat coming in . mr . guppy retreats behind a chair . small told me of her . she went leaping and bounding and tearing about that night like a dragon , and got out on the house top, , and roamed about up there for a fortnight , and then came tumbling down the chimney very thin . did you ever see such a brute . looks as if she knew all about it , dont she . almost looks as if she was krook . shohoo . get out , you goblin . lady jane , in the doorway , with her tiger snarl from ear to ear and her club of a tail , shows no intention of obeying but mr . tulkinghorn stumbling over her , she spits at his rusty legs , and swearing wrathfully , takes her arched back upstairs . possibly to roam the house tops again and return by the chimney . mr . guppy , says mr . tulkinghorn , could i have a word with you . mr . guppy is engaged in collecting the galaxy gallery of british beauty from the wall and depositing those works of art in their old ignoble band box . sir , he returns , reddening , i wish to act with courtesy towards every member of the profession , and especially , i am sure , towards a member of it so well known as yourself  will truly add , sir , so distinguished as yourself . still , mr . tulkinghorn , sir , i must stipulate that if you have any word with me , that word is spoken in the presence of my friend . oh , indeed . says mr . tulkinghorn . yes , sir . my reasons are not of a personal nature at all , but they are amply sufficient for myself . no doubt , no doubt . mr . tulkinghorn is as imperturbable as the hearthstone to which he has quietly walked . the matter is not of that consequence that i need put you to the trouble of making any conditions , mr . guppy . he pauses here to smile , and his smile is as dull and rusty as his pantaloons . you are to be congratulated , mr . guppy you are a fortunate young man , sir . pretty well so , mr . tulkinghorn i dont complain . complain . high friends , free admission to great houses , and access to elegant ladies . why , mr . guppy , there are people in london who would give their ears to be you . mr . guppy , looking as if he would give his own reddening and still reddening ears to be one of those people at present instead of himself , replies , sir , if i attend to my profession and do what is right by kenge and carboy , my friends and acquaintances are of no consequence to them nor to any member of the profession , not excepting mr . tulkinghorn of the fields . i am not under any obligation to explain myself further and with all respect for you , sir , and without offence  repeat , without offence  oh , certainly . dont intend to do it . quite so , says mr . tulkinghorn with a calm nod . very good i see by these portraits that you take a strong interest in the fashionable great , sir . he addresses this to the astounded tony , who admits the soft impeachment . a virtue in which few englishmen are deficient , observes mr . tulkinghorn . he has been standing on the hearthstone with his back to the smoked chimney piece, , and now turns round with his glasses to his eyes . who is this . lady dedlock . ha . a very good likeness in its way , but it wants force of character . good day to you , gentlemen good day . when he has walked out , mr . guppy , in a great perspiration , nerves himself to the hasty completion of the taking down of the galaxy gallery , concluding with lady dedlock . tony , he says hurriedly to his astonished companion , let us be quick in putting the things together and in getting out of this place . it were in vain longer to conceal from you , tony , that between myself and one of the members of a swan like aristocracy whom i now hold in my hand , there has been undivulged communication and association . the time might have been when i might have revealed it to you . it never will be more . it is due alike to the oath i have taken , alike to the shattered idol , and alike to circumstances over which i have no control , that the whole should be buried in oblivion . i charge you as a friend , by the interest you have ever testified in the fashionable intelligence , and by any little advances with which i may have been able to accommodate you , so to bury it without a word of inquiry . this charge mr . guppy delivers in a state little short of forensic lunacy , while his friend shows a dazed mind in his whole head of hair and even in his cultivated whiskers . chapter xl national and domestic england has been in a dreadful state for some weeks . lord coodle would go out , sir thomas doodle wouldnt come in , and there being nobody in great britain except coodle and doodle , there has been no government . it is a mercy that the hostile meeting between those two great men , which at one time seemed inevitable , did not come off , because if both pistols had taken effect , and coodle and doodle had killed each other , it is to be presumed that england must have waited to be governed until young coodle and young doodle , now in frocks and long stockings , were grown up . this stupendous national calamity , however , was averted by lord coodles making the timely discovery that if in the heat of debate he had said that he scorned and despised the whole ignoble career of sir thomas doodle , he had merely meant to say that party differences should never induce him to withhold from it the tribute of his warmest admiration while it as opportunely turned out , on the other hand , that sir thomas doodle had in his own bosom expressly booked lord coodle to go down to posterity as the mirror of virtue and honour . still england has been some weeks in the dismal strait of having no pilot as was well observed by sir leicester dedlock to weather the storm and the marvellous part of the matter is that england has not appeared to care very much about it , but has gone on eating and drinking and marrying and giving in marriage as the old world did in the days before the flood . but coodle knew the danger , and doodle knew the danger , and all their followers and hangers on had the clearest possible perception of the danger . at last sir thomas doodle has not only condescended to come in , but has done it handsomely , bringing in with him all his nephews , all his male cousins , and all his brothers in . so there is hope for the old ship yet . doodle has found that he must throw himself upon the country , chiefly in the form of sovereigns and beer . in this metamorphosed state he is available in a good many places simultaneously and can throw himself upon a considerable portion of the country at one time . britannia being much occupied in pocketing doodle in the form of sovereigns , and swallowing doodle in the form of beer , and in swearing herself black in the face that she does neither  to the advancement of her glory and morality  london season comes to a sudden end , through all the doodleites and coodleites dispersing to assist britannia in those religious exercises . hence mrs . rouncewell , housekeeper at chesney wold , foresees , though no instructions have yet come down , that the family may shortly be expected , together with a pretty large accession of cousins and others who can in any way assist the great constitutional work . and hence the stately old dame , taking time by the forelock , leads him up and down the staircases , and along the galleries and passages , and through the rooms , to witness before he grows any older that everything is ready , that floors are rubbed bright , carpets spread , curtains shaken out , beds puffed and patted , still room and kitchen cleared for action  things prepared as beseems the dedlock dignity . this present summer evening , as the sun goes down , the preparations are complete . dreary and solemn the old house looks , with so many appliances of habitation and with no inhabitants except the pictured forms upon the walls . so did these come and go , a dedlock in possession might have ruminated passing along so did they see this gallery hushed and quiet , as i see it now so think , as i think , of the gap that they would make in this domain when they were gone so find it , as i find it , difficult to believe that it could be without them so pass from my world , as i pass from theirs , now closing the reverberating door so leave no blank to miss them , and so die . through some of the fiery windows beautiful from without , and set , at this sunset hour , not in dull grey stone but in a glorious house of gold , the light excluded at other windows pours in rich , lavish , overflowing like the summer plenty in the land . then do the frozen dedlocks thaw . strange movements come upon their features as the shadows of leaves play there . a dense justice in a corner is beguiled into a wink . a staring baronet , with a truncheon , gets a dimple in his chin . down into the bosom of a stony shepherdess there steals a fleck of light and warmth that would have done it good a hundred years ago . one ancestress of volumnia , in high heeled shoes , very like her  the shadow of that virgin event before her full two centuries  out into a halo and becomes a saint . a maid of honour of the court of charles the second , with large round eyes and other charms to correspond , seems to bathe in glowing water , and it ripples as it glows . but the fire of the sun is dying . even now the floor is dusky , and shadow slowly mounts the walls , bringing the dedlocks down like age and death . and now , upon my ladys picture over the great chimney piece, , a weird shade falls from some old tree , that turns it pale , and flutters it , and looks as if a great arm held a veil or hood , watching an opportunity to draw it over her . higher and darker rises shadow on the wall  a red gloom on the ceiling  the fire is out . all that prospect , which from the terrace looked so near , has moved solemnly away and changed  the first nor the last of beautiful things that look so near and will so change  a distant phantom . light mists arise , and the dew falls , and all the sweet scents in the garden are heavy in the air . now the woods settle into great masses as if they were each one profound tree . and now the moon rises to separate them , and to glimmer here and there in horizontal lines behind their stems , and to make the avenue a pavement of light among high cathedral arches fantastically broken . now the moon is high and the great house , needing habitation more than ever , is like a body without life . now it is even awful , stealing through it , to think of the live people who have slept in the solitary bedrooms , to say nothing of the dead . now is the time for shadow , when every corner is a cavern and every downward step a pit , when the stained glass is reflected in pale and faded hues upon the floors , when anything and everything can be made of the heavy staircase beams excepting their own proper shapes , when the armour has dull lights upon it not easily to be distinguished from stealthy movement , and when barred helmets are frightfully suggestive of heads inside . but of all the shadows in chesney wold , the shadow in the long drawing room upon my ladys picture is the first to come , the last to be disturbed . at this hour and by this light it changes into threatening hands raised up and menacing the handsome face with every breath that stirs . she is not well , maam , says a groom in mrs . rouncewells audience chamber . my lady not well . whats the matter . why , my lady has been but poorly , maam , since she was last here  dont mean with the family , maam , but when she was here as a bird of passage like . my lady has not been out much , for her , and has kept her room a good deal . chesney wold , thomas , rejoins the housekeeper with proud complacency , will set my lady up . there is no finer air and no healthier soil in the world . thomas may have his own personal opinions on this subject , probably hints them in his manner of smoothing his sleek head from the nape of his neck to his temples , but he forbears to express them further and retires to the servants hall to regale on cold meat pie and ale . this groom is the pilot fish before the nobler shark . next evening , down come sir leicester and my lady with their largest retinue , and down come the cousins and others from all the points of the compass . thenceforth for some weeks backward and forward rush mysterious men with no names , who fly about all those particular parts of the country on which doodle is at present throwing himself in an auriferous and malty shower , but who are merely persons of a restless disposition and never do anything anywhere . on these national occasions sir leicester finds the cousins useful . a better man than the honourable bob stables to meet the hunt at dinner , there could not possibly be . better got up gentlemen than the other cousins to ride over to polling booths and hustings here and there , and show themselves on the side of england , it would be hard to find . volumnia is a little dim , but she is of the true descent and there are many who appreciate her sprightly conversation , her french conundrums so old as to have become in the cycles of time almost new again , the honour of taking the fair dedlock in to dinner , or even the privilege of her hand in the dance . on these national occasions dancing may be a patriotic service , and volumnia is constantly seen hopping about for the good of an ungrateful and unpensioning country . my lady takes no great pains to entertain the numerous guests , and being still unwell , rarely appears until late in the day . but at all the dismal dinners , leaden lunches , basilisk balls , and other melancholy pageants , her mere appearance is a relief . as to sir leicester , he conceives it utterly impossible that anything can be wanting , in any direction , by any one who has the good fortune to be received under that roof and in a state of sublime satisfaction , he moves among the company , a magnificent refrigerator . daily the cousins trot through dust and canter over roadside turf , away to hustings and polling booths with leather gloves and hunting whips for the counties and kid gloves and riding canes for the boroughs , and daily bring back reports on which sir leicester holds forth after dinner . daily the restless men who have no occupation in life present the appearance of being rather busy . daily volumnia has a little cousinly talk with sir leicester on the state of the nation , from which sir leicester is disposed to conclude that volumnia is a more reflecting woman than he had thought her . how are we getting on . says miss volumnia , clasping her hands . are we safe . the mighty business is nearly over by this time , and doodle will throw himself off the country in a few days more . sir leicester has just appeared in the long drawing room after dinner , a bright particular star surrounded by clouds of cousins . volumnia , replies sir leicester , who has a list in his hand , we are doing tolerably . only tolerably . although it is summer weather , sir leicester always has his own particular fire in the evening . he takes his usual screened seat near it and repeats with much firmness and a little displeasure , as who should say , i am not a common man , and when i say tolerably , it must not be understood as a common expression , volumnia , we are doing tolerably . at least there is no opposition to you , volumnia asserts with confidence . no , volumnia . this distracted country has lost its senses in many respects , i grieve to say , but  it is not so mad as that . i am glad to hear it . volumnias finishing the sentence restores her to favour . sir leicester , with a gracious inclination of his head , seems to say to himself , a sensible woman this , on the whole , though occasionally precipitate . in fact , as to this question of opposition , the fair dedlocks observation was superfluous , sir leicester on these occasions always delivering in his own candidateship , as a kind of handsome wholesale order to be promptly executed . two other little seats that belong to him he treats as retail orders of less importance , merely sending down the men and signifying to the tradespeople , you will have the goodness to make these materials into two members of parliament and to send them home when done . i regret to say , volumnia , that in many places the people have shown a bad spirit , and that this opposition to the government has been of a most determined and most implacable description . w r . says volumnia . even , proceeds sir leicester , glancing at the circumjacent cousins on sofas and ottomans , even in many  fact , in most  those places in which the government has carried it against a faction  note , by the way , that the coodleites are always a faction with the doodleites , and that the doodleites occupy exactly the same position towards the coodleites . in them i am shocked , for the credit of englishmen , to be constrained to inform you that the party has not triumphed without being put to an enormous expense . hundreds , says sir leicester , eyeing the cousins with increasing dignity and swelling indignation , hundreds of thousands of pounds . if volumnia have a fault , it is the fault of being a trifle too innocent , seeing that the innocence which would go extremely well with a sash and tucker is a little out of keeping with the rouge and pearl necklace . howbeit , impelled by innocence , she asks , what for . volumnia , remonstrates sir leicester with his utmost severity . volumnia . no , i dont mean what for , cries volumnia with her favourite little scream . how stupid i am . i mean what a pity . i am glad , returns sir leicester , that you do mean what a pity . volumnia hastens to express her opinion that the shocking people ought to be tried as traitors and made to support the party . i am glad , volumnia , repeats sir leicester , unmindful of these mollifying sentiments , that you do mean what a pity . it is disgraceful to the electors . but as you , though inadvertently and without intending so unreasonable a question , asked me what for . let me reply to you . for necessary expenses . and i trust to your good sense , volumnia , not to pursue the subject , here or elsewhere . sir leicester feels it incumbent on him to observe a crushing aspect towards volumnia because it is whispered abroad that these necessary expenses will , in some two hundred election petitions , be unpleasantly connected with the word bribery , and because some graceless jokers have consequently suggested the omission from the church service of the ordinary supplication in behalf of the high court of parliament and have recommended instead that the prayers of the congregation be requested for six hundred and fifty eight gentlemen in a very unhealthy state . i suppose , observes volumnia , having taken a little time to recover her spirits after her late castigation , i suppose mr . tulkinghorn has been worked to death . i dont know , says sir leicester , opening his eyes , why mr . tulkinghorn should be worked to death . i dont know what mr . tulkinghorns engagements may be . he is not a candidate . volumnia had thought he might have been employed . sir leicester could desire to know by whom , and what for . volumnia , abashed again , suggests , by somebody  advise and make arrangements . sir leicester is not aware that any client of mr . tulkinghorn has been in need of his assistance . lady dedlock , seated at an open window with her arm upon its cushioned ledge and looking out at the evening shadows falling on the park , has seemed to attend since the lawyers name was mentioned . a languid cousin with a moustache in a state of extreme debility now observes from his couch that man told him yaasdy that tulkinghorn had gone down t that iron place t give legal pinion bout something , and that contest being over t day , twould be highly jawlly thing if tulkinghorn should pear with news that coodle man was floored . mercury in attendance with coffee informs sir leicester , hereupon , that mr . tulkinghorn has arrived and is taking dinner . my lady turns her head inward for the moment , then looks out again as before . volumnia is charmed to hear that her delight is come . he is so original , such a stolid creature , such an immense being for knowing all sorts of things and never telling them . volumnia is persuaded that he must be a freemason . is sure he is at the head of a lodge , and wears short aprons , and is made a perfect idol of with candlesticks and trowels . these lively remarks the fair dedlock delivers in her youthful manner , while making a purse . he has not been here once , she adds , since i came . i really had some thoughts of breaking my heart for the inconstant creature . i had almost made up my mind that he was dead . it may be the gathering gloom of evening , or it may be the darker gloom within herself , but a shade is on my ladys face , as if she thought , i would he were . mr . tulkinghorn , says sir leicester , is always welcome here and always discreet wheresoever he is . a very valuable person , and deservedly respected . the debilitated cousin supposes he is normously rich fler . he has a stake in the country , says sir leicester , i have no doubt . he is , of course , handsomely paid , and he associates almost on a footing of equality with the highest society . everybody starts . for a gun is fired close by . good gracious , whats that . cries volumnia with her little withered scream . a rat , says my lady . and they have shot him . enter mr . tulkinghorn , followed by mercuries with lamps and candles . no , says sir leicester , i think not . my lady , do you object to the twilight . on the contrary , my lady prefers it . volumnia . oh . nothing is so delicious to volumnia as to sit and talk in the dark . then take them away , says sir leicester . tulkinghorn , i beg your pardon . how do you do . mr . tulkinghorn with his usual leisurely ease advances , renders his passing homage to my lady , shakes sir leicesters hand , and subsides into the chair proper to him when he has anything to communicate , on the opposite side of the baronets little newspaper table . sir leicester is apprehensive that my lady , not being very well , will take cold at that open window . my lady is obliged to him , but would rather sit there for the air . sir leicester rises , adjusts her scarf about her , and returns to his seat . mr . tulkinghorn in the meanwhile takes a pinch of snuff . now , says sir leicester . how has that contest gone . oh , hollow from the beginning . not a chance . they have brought in both their people . you are beaten out of all reason . three to one . it is a part of mr . tulkinghorns policy and mastery to have no political opinions indeed , no opinions . therefore he says you are beaten , and not we . sir leicester is majestically wroth . volumnia never heard of such a thing . the debilitated cousin holds that its sort of thing thats sure tapn slongs votes  . its the place , you know , mr . tulkinghorn goes on to say in the fast increasing darkness when there is silence again , where they wanted to put up mrs . rouncewells son . a proposal which , as you correctly informed me at the time , he had the becoming taste and perception , observes sir leicester , to decline . i cannot say that i by any means approve of the sentiments expressed by mr . rouncewell when he was here for some half hour in this room , but there was a sense of propriety in his decision which i am glad to acknowledge . ha . says mr . tulkinghorn . it did not prevent him from being very active in this election , though . sir leicester is distinctly heard to gasp before speaking . did i understand you . did you say that mr . rouncewell had been very active in this election . uncommonly active . against  oh , dear yes , against you . he is a very good speaker . plain and emphatic . he made a damaging effect , and has great influence . in the business part of the proceedings he carried all before him . it is evident to the whole company , though nobody can see him , that sir leicester is staring majestically . and he was much assisted , says mr . tulkinghorn as a wind up, , by his son . by his son , sir . repeats sir leicester with awful politeness . by his son . the son who wished to marry the young woman in my ladys service . that son . he has but one . then upon my honour , says sir leicester after a terrific pause during which he has been heard to snort and felt to stare , then upon my honour , upon my life , upon my reputation and principles , the floodgates of society are burst open , and the waters have  the landmarks of the framework of the cohesion by which things are held together . general burst of cousinly indignation . volumnia thinks it is really high time , you know , for somebody in power to step in and do something strong . debilitated cousin thinks  going  pace . i beg , says sir leicester in a breathless condition , that we may not comment further on this circumstance . comment is superfluous . my lady , let me suggest in reference to that young woman  i have no intention , observes my lady from her window in a low but decided tone , of parting with her . that was not my meaning , returns sir leicester . i am glad to hear you say so . i would suggest that as you think her worthy of your patronage , you should exert your influence to keep her from these dangerous hands . you might show her what violence would be done in such association to her duties and principles , and you might preserve her for a better fate . you might point out to her that she probably would , in good time , find a husband at chesney wold by whom she would not be  sir leicester adds , after a moments consideration , dragged from the altars of her forefathers . these remarks he offers with his unvarying politeness and deference when he addresses himself to his wife . she merely moves her head in reply . the moon is rising , and where she sits there is a little stream of cold pale light , in which her head is seen . it is worthy of remark , says mr . tulkinghorn , however , that these people are , in their way , very proud . proud . sir leicester doubts his hearing . i should not be surprised if they all voluntarily abandoned the girl  , lover and all  of her abandoning them , supposing she remained at chesney wold under such circumstances . well . says sir leicester tremulously . well . you should know , mr . tulkinghorn . you have been among them . really , sir leicester , returns the lawyer , i state the fact . why , i could tell you a story  lady dedlocks permission . her head concedes it , and volumnia is enchanted . a story . oh , he is going to tell something at last . a ghost in it , volumnia hopes . no . real flesh and blood . mr . tulkinghorn stops for an instant and repeats with some little emphasis grafted upon his usual monotony , real flesh and blood , miss dedlock . sir leicester , these particulars have only lately become known to me . they are very brief . they exemplify what i have said . i suppress names for the present . lady dedlock will not think me ill bred, , i hope . by the light of the fire , which is low , he can be seen looking towards the moonlight . by the light of the moon lady dedlock can be seen , perfectly still . a townsman of this mrs . rouncewell , a man in exactly parallel circumstances as i am told , had the good fortune to have a daughter who attracted the notice of a great lady . i speak of really a great lady , not merely great to him , but married to a gentleman of your condition , sir leicester . sir leicester condescendingly says , yes , mr . tulkinghorn , implying that then she must have appeared of very considerable moral dimensions indeed in the eyes of an iron master . the lady was wealthy and beautiful , and had a liking for the girl , and treated her with great kindness , and kept her always near her . now this lady preserved a secret under all her greatness , which she had preserved for many years . in fact , she had in early life been engaged to marry a young rake  was a captain in the army  connected with whom came to any good . she never did marry him , but she gave birth to a child of which he was the father . by the light of the fire he can be seen looking towards the moonlight . by the moonlight , lady dedlock can be seen in profile , perfectly still . the captain in the army being dead , she believed herself safe but a train of circumstances with which i need not trouble you led to discovery . as i received the story , they began in an imprudence on her own part one day when she was taken by surprise , which shows how difficult it is for the firmest of us to be always guarded . there was great domestic trouble and amazement , you may suppose i leave you to imagine , sir leicester , the husbands grief . but that is not the present point . when mr . rouncewells townsman heard of the disclosure , he no more allowed the girl to be patronized and honoured than he would have suffered her to be trodden underfoot before his eyes . such was his pride , that he indignantly took her away , as if from reproach and disgrace . he had no sense of the honour done him and his daughter by the ladys condescension not the least . he resented the girls position , as if the lady had been the commonest of commoners . that is the story . i hope lady dedlock will excuse its painful nature . there are various opinions on the merits , more or less conflicting with volumnias . that fair young creature cannot believe there ever was any such lady and rejects the whole history on the threshold . the majority incline to the debilitated cousins sentiment , which is in few words  business  fernal townsman . sir leicester generally refers back in his mind to wat tyler and arranges a sequence of events on a plan of his own . there is not much conversation in all , for late hours have been kept at chesney wold since the necessary expenses elsewhere began , and this is the first night in many on which the family have been alone . it is past ten when sir leicester begs mr . tulkinghorn to ring for candles . then the stream of moonlight has swelled into a lake , and then lady dedlock for the first time moves , and rises , and comes forward to a table for a glass of water . winking cousins , bat like in the candle glare , crowd round to give it volumnia always ready for something better if procurable takes another , a very mild sip of which contents her lady dedlock , graceful , self possessed, , looked after by admiring eyes , passes away slowly down the long perspective by the side of that nymph , not at all improving her as a question of contrast . chapter xli in mr . tulkinghorns room mr . tulkinghorn arrives in his turret room a little breathed by the journey up , though leisurely performed . there is an expression on his face as if he had discharged his mind of some grave matter and were , in his close way , satisfied . to say of a man so severely and strictly self repressed that he is triumphant would be to do him as great an injustice as to suppose him troubled with love or sentiment or any romantic weakness . he is sedately satisfied . perhaps there is a rather increased sense of power upon him as he loosely grasps one of his veinous wrists with his other hand and holding it behind his back walks noiselessly up and down . there is a capacious writing table in the room on which is a pretty large accumulation of papers . the green lamp is lighted , his reading glasses lie upon the desk , the easy chair is wheeled up to it , and it would seem as though he had intended to bestow an hour or so upon these claims on his attention before going to bed . but he happens not to be in a business mind . after a glance at the documents awaiting his notice  his head bent low over the table , the old mans sight for print or writing being defective at night  opens the french window and steps out upon the leads . there he again walks slowly up and down in the same attitude , subsiding , if a man so cool may have any need to subside , from the story he has related downstairs . the time was once when men as knowing as mr . tulkinghorn would walk on turret tops in the starlight and look up into the sky to read their fortunes there . hosts of stars are visible to night, , though their brilliancy is eclipsed by the splendour of the moon . if he be seeking his own star as he methodically turns and turns upon the leads , it should be but a pale one to be so rustily represented below . if he be tracing out his destiny , that may be written in other characters nearer to his hand . as he paces the leads with his eyes most probably as high above his thoughts as they are high above the earth , he is suddenly stopped in passing the window by two eyes that meet his own . the ceiling of his room is rather low and the upper part of the door , which is opposite the window , is of glass . there is an inner baize door , too , but the night being warm he did not close it when he came upstairs . these eyes that meet his own are looking in through the glass from the corridor outside . he knows them well . the blood has not flushed into his face so suddenly and redly for many a long year as when he recognizes lady dedlock . he steps into the room , and she comes in too , closing both the doors behind her . there is a wild disturbance  it fear or anger . her eyes . in her carriage and all else she looks as she looked downstairs two hours ago . is it fear or is it anger now . he cannot be sure . both might be as pale , both as intent . lady dedlock . she does not speak at first , nor even when she has slowly dropped into the easy chair by the table . they look at each other , like two pictures . why have you told my story to so many persons . lady dedlock , it was necessary for me to inform you that i knew it . how long have you known it . i have suspected it a long while  known it a little while . months . days . he stands before her with one hand on a chair back and the other in his old fashioned waistcoat and shirt frill, , exactly as he has stood before her at any time since her marriage . the same formal politeness , the same composed deference that might as well be defiance the whole man the same dark , cold object , at the same distance , which nothing has ever diminished . is this true concerning the poor girl . he slightly inclines and advances his head as not quite understanding the question . you know what you related . is it true . do her friends know my story also . is it the town talk yet . is it chalked upon the walls and cried in the streets . so . anger , and fear , and shame . all three contending . what power this woman has to keep these raging passions down . mr . tulkinghorns thoughts take such form as he looks at her , with his ragged grey eyebrows a hairs breadth more contracted than usual under her gaze . no , lady dedlock . that was a hypothetical case , arising out of sir leicesters unconsciously carrying the matter with so high a hand . but it would be a real case if they knew  we know . then they do not know it yet . no . can i save the poor girl from injury before they know it . really , lady dedlock , mr . tulkinghorn replies , i cannot give a satisfactory opinion on that point . and he thinks , with the interest of attentive curiosity , as he watches the struggle in her breast , the power and force of this woman are astonishing . sir , she says , for the moment obliged to set her lips with all the energy she has , that she may speak distinctly , i will make it plainer . i do not dispute your hypothetical case . i anticipated it , and felt its truth as strongly as you can do , when i saw mr . rouncewell here . i knew very well that if he could have had the power of seeing me as i was , he would consider the poor girl tarnished by having for a moment been , although most innocently , the subject of my great and distinguished patronage . but i have an interest in her , or i should rather say  longer belonging to this place  had , and if you can find so much consideration for the woman under your foot as to remember that , she will be very sensible of your mercy . mr . tulkinghorn , profoundly attentive , throws this off with a shrug of self depreciation and contracts his eyebrows a little more . you have prepared me for my exposure , and i thank you for that too . is there anything that you require of me . is there any claim that i can release or any charge or trouble that i can spare my husband in obtaining his release by certifying to the exactness of your discovery . i will write anything , here and now , that you will dictate . i am ready to do it . and she would do it , thinks the lawyer , watchful of the firm hand with which she takes the pen . i will not trouble you , lady dedlock . pray spare yourself . i have long expected this , as you know . i neither wish to spare myself nor to be spared . you can do nothing worse to me than you have done . do what remains now . lady dedlock , there is nothing to be done . i will take leave to say a few words when you have finished . their need for watching one another should be over now , but they do it all this time , and the stars watch them both through the opened window . away in the moonlight lie the woodland fields at rest , and the wide house is as quiet as the narrow one . the narrow one . where are the digger and the spade , this peaceful night , destined to add the last great secret to the many secrets of the tulkinghorn existence . is the man born yet , is the spade wrought yet . curious questions to consider , more curious perhaps not to consider , under the watching stars upon a summer night . of repentance or remorse or any feeling of mine , lady dedlock presently proceeds , i say not a word . if i were not dumb , you would be deaf . let that go by . it is not for your ears . he makes a feint of offering a protest , but she sweeps it away with her disdainful hand . of other and very different things i come to speak to you . my jewels are all in their proper places of keeping . they will be found there . so , my dresses . so , all the valuables i have . some ready money i had with me , please to say , but no large amount . i did not wear my own dress , in order that i might avoid observation . i went to be henceforward lost . make this known . i leave no other charge with you . excuse me , lady dedlock , says mr . tulkinghorn , quite unmoved . i am not sure that i understand you . you want  to be lost to all here . i leave chesney wold to night . i go this hour . mr . tulkinghorn shakes his head . she rises , but he , without moving hand from chair back or from old fashioned waistcoat and shirt frill, , shakes his head . what . not go as i have said . no , lady dedlock , he very calmly replies . do you know the relief that my disappearance will be . have you forgotten the stain and blot upon this place , and where it is , and who it is . no , lady dedlock , not by any means . without deigning to rejoin , she moves to the inner door and has it in her hand when he says to her , without himself stirring hand or foot or raising his voice , lady dedlock , have the goodness to stop and hear me , or before you reach the staircase i shall ring the alarm bell and rouse the house . and then i must speak out before every guest and servant , every man and woman , in it . he has conquered her . she falters , trembles , and puts her hand confusedly to her head . slight tokens these in any one else , but when so practised an eye as mr . tulkinghorns sees indecision for a moment in such a subject , he thoroughly knows its value . he promptly says again , have the goodness to hear me , lady dedlock , and motions to the chair from which she has risen . she hesitates , but he motions again , and she sits down . the relations between us are of an unfortunate description , lady dedlock but as they are not of my making , i will not apologize for them . the position i hold in reference to sir leicester is so well known to you that i can hardly imagine but that i must long have appeared in your eyes the natural person to make this discovery . sir , she returns without looking up from the ground on which her eyes are now fixed , i had better have gone . it would have been far better not to have detained me . i have no more to say . excuse me , lady dedlock , if i add a little more to hear . i wish to hear it at the window , then . i cant breathe where i am . his jealous glance as she walks that way betrays an instants misgiving that she may have it in her thoughts to leap over , and dashing against ledge and cornice , strike her life out upon the terrace below . but a moments observation of her figure as she stands in the window without any support , looking out at the stars  up  out at those stars which are low in the heavens , reassures him . by facing round as she has moved , he stands a little behind her . lady dedlock , i have not yet been able to come to a decision satisfactory to myself on the course before me . i am not clear what to do or how to act next . i must request you , in the meantime , to keep your secret as you have kept it so long and not to wonder that i keep it too . he pauses , but she makes no reply . pardon me , lady dedlock . this is an important subject . you are honouring me with your attention . i am . thank you . i might have known it from what i have seen of your strength of character . i ought not to have asked the question , but i have the habit of making sure of my ground , step by step , as i go on . the sole consideration in this unhappy case is sir leicester . then why , she asks in a low voice and without removing her gloomy look from those distant stars , do you detain me in his house . because he is the consideration . lady dedlock , i have no occasion to tell you that sir leicester is a very proud man , that his reliance upon you is implicit , that the fall of that moon out of the sky would not amaze him more than your fall from your high position as his wife . she breathes quickly and heavily , but she stands as unflinchingly as ever he has seen her in the midst of her grandest company . i declare to you , lady dedlock , that with anything short of this case that i have , i would as soon have hoped to root up by means of my own strength and my own hands the oldest tree on this estate as to shake your hold upon sir leicester and sir leicesters trust and confidence in you . and even now , with this case , i hesitate . not that he could doubt but that nothing can prepare him for the blow . not my flight . she returned . think of it again . your flight , lady dedlock , would spread the whole truth , and a hundred times the whole truth , far and wide . it would be impossible to save the family credit for a day . it is not to be thought of . there is a quiet decision in his reply which admits of no remonstrance . when i speak of sir leicester being the sole consideration , he and the family credit are one . sir leicester and the baronetcy , sir leicester and chesney wold , sir leicester and his ancestors and his patrimony  . tulkinghorn very dry here  , i need not say to you , lady dedlock , inseparable . go on . therefore , says mr . tulkinghorn , pursuing his case in his jog trot style , i have much to consider . this is to be hushed up if it can be . how can it be , if sir leicester is driven out of his wits or laid upon a death bed . if i inflicted this shock upon him to morrow morning , how could the immediate change in him be accounted for . what could have caused it . what could have divided you . lady dedlock , the wall chalking and the street crying would come on directly , and you are to remember that it would not affect you merely whom i cannot at all consider in this business but your husband , lady dedlock , your husband . he gets plainer as he gets on , but not an atom more emphatic or animated . there is another point of view , he continues , in which the case presents itself . sir leicester is devoted to you almost to infatuation . he might not be able to overcome that infatuation , even knowing what we know . i am putting an extreme case , but it might be so . if so , it were better that he knew nothing . better for common sense , better for him , better for me . i must take all this into account , and it combines to render a decision very difficult . she stands looking out at the same stars without a word . they are beginning to pale , and she looks as if their coldness froze her . my experience teaches me , says mr . tulkinghorn , who has by this time got his hands in his pockets and is going on in his business consideration of the matter like a machine . my experience teaches me , lady dedlock , that most of the people i know would do far better to leave marriage alone . it is at the bottom of three fourths of their troubles . so i thought when sir leicester married , and so i always have thought since . no more about that . i must now be guided by circumstances . in the meanwhile i must beg you to keep your own counsel , and i will keep mine . i am to drag my present life on , holding its pains at your pleasure , day by day . she asks , still looking at the distant sky . yes , i am afraid so , lady dedlock . it is necessary , you think , that i should be so tied to the stake . i am sure that what i recommend is necessary . i am to remain on this gaudy platform on which my miserable deception has been so long acted , and it is to fall beneath me when you give the signal . she said slowly . not without notice , lady dedlock . i shall take no step without forewarning you . she asks all her questions as if she were repeating them from memory or calling them over in her sleep . we are to meet as usual . precisely as usual , if you please . and i am to hide my guilt , as i have done so many years . as you have done so many years . i should not have made that reference myself , lady dedlock , but i may now remind you that your secret can be no heavier to you than it was , and is no worse and no better than it was . i know it certainly , but i believe we have never wholly trusted each other . she stands absorbed in the same frozen way for some little time before asking , is there anything more to be said to night . why , mr . tulkinghorn returns methodically as he softly rubs his hands , i should like to be assured of your acquiescence in my arrangements , lady dedlock . you may be assured of it . good . and i would wish in conclusion to remind you , as a business precaution , in case it should be necessary to recall the fact in any communication with sir leicester , that throughout our interview i have expressly stated my sole consideration to be sir leicesters feelings and honour and the family reputation . i should have been happy to have made lady dedlock a prominent consideration , too , if the case had admitted of it but unfortunately it does not . i can attest your fidelity , sir . both before and after saying it she remains absorbed , but at length moves , and turns , unshaken in her natural and acquired presence , towards the door . mr . tulkinghorn opens both the doors exactly as he would have done yesterday , or as he would have done ten years ago , and makes his old fashioned bow as she passes out . it is not an ordinary look that he receives from the handsome face as it goes into the darkness , and it is not an ordinary movement , though a very slight one , that acknowledges his courtesy . but as he reflects when he is left alone , the woman has been putting no common constraint upon herself . he would know it all the better if he saw the woman pacing her own rooms with her hair wildly thrown from her flung back face , her hands clasped behind her head , her figure twisted as if by pain . he would think so all the more if he saw the woman thus hurrying up and down for hours , without fatigue , without intermission , followed by the faithful step upon the ghosts walk . but he shuts out the now chilled air , draws the window curtain, , goes to bed , and falls asleep . and truly when the stars go out and the wan day peeps into the turret chamber, , finding him at his oldest , he looks as if the digger and the spade were both commissioned and would soon be digging . the same wan day peeps in at sir leicester pardoning the repentant country in a majestically condescending dream and at the cousins entering on various public employments , principally receipt of salary and at the chaste volumnia , bestowing a dower of fifty thousand pounds upon a hideous old general with a mouth of false teeth like a pianoforte too full of keys , long the admiration of bath and the terror of every other community . also into rooms high in the roof , and into offices in court yards, , and over stables , where humbler ambition dreams of bliss , in keepers lodges , and in holy matrimony with will or sally . up comes the bright sun , drawing everything up with it  wills and sallys , the latent vapour in the earth , the drooping leaves and flowers , the birds and beasts and creeping things , the gardeners to sweep the dewy turf and unfold emerald velvet where the roller passes , the smoke of the great kitchen fire wreathing itself straight and high into the lightsome air . lastly , up comes the flag over mr . tulkinghorns unconscious head cheerfully proclaiming that sir leicester and lady dedlock are in their happy home and that there is hospitality at the place in lincolnshire . chapter xlii in mr . tulkinghorns chambers from the verdant undulations and the spreading oaks of the dedlock property , mr . tulkinghorn transfers himself to the stale heat and dust of london . his manner of coming and going between the two places is one of his impenetrabilities . he walks into chesney wold as if it were next door to his chambers and returns to his chambers as if he had never been out of lincolns inn fields . he neither changes his dress before the journey nor talks of it afterwards . he melted out of his turret room this morning , just as now , in the late twilight , he melts into his own square . like a dingy london bird among the birds at roost in these pleasant fields , where the sheep are all made into parchment , the goats into wigs , and the pasture into chaff , the lawyer , smoke dried and faded , dwelling among mankind but not consorting with them , aged without experience of genial youth , and so long used to make his cramped nest in holes and corners of human nature that he has forgotten its broader and better range , comes sauntering home . in the oven made by the hot pavements and hot buildings , he has baked himself dryer than usual and he has in his thirsty mind his mellowed port wine half a century old . the lamplighter is skipping up and down his ladder on mr . tulkinghorns side of the fields when that high priest of noble mysteries arrives at his own dull court yard . he ascends the door steps and is gliding into the dusky hall when he encounters , on the top step , a bowing and propitiatory little man . is that snagsby . yes , sir . i hope you are well , sir . i was just giving you up , sir , and going home . aye . what is it . what do you want with me . well , sir , says mr . snagsby , holding his hat at the side of his head in his deference towards his best customer , i was wishful to say a word to you , sir . can you say it here . perfectly , sir . say it then . the lawyer turns , leans his arms on the iron railing at the top of the steps , and looks at the lamplighter lighting the court yard . it is relating , says mr . snagsby in a mysterious low voice , it is relating  to put too fine a point upon it  the foreigner , sir . mr . tulkinghorn eyes him with some surprise . what foreigner . the foreign female , sir . french , if i dont mistake . i am not acquainted with that language myself , but i should judge from her manners and appearance that she was french anyways , certainly foreign . her that was upstairs , sir , when mr . bucket and me had the honour of waiting upon you with the sweeping boy that night . oh . yes , . mademoiselle hortense . indeed , sir . mr . snagsby coughs his cough of submission behind his hat . i am not acquainted myself with the names of foreigners in general , but i have no doubt it would be that . mr . snagsby appears to have set out in this reply with some desperate design of repeating the name , but on reflection coughs again to excuse himself . and what can you have to say , snagsby , demands mr . tulkinghorn , about her . well , sir , returns the stationer , shading his communication with his hat , it falls a little hard upon me . my domestic happiness is very great  least , its as great as can be expected , im sure  my little woman is rather given to jealousy . not to put too fine a point upon it , she is very much given to jealousy . and you see , a foreign female of that genteel appearance coming into the shop , and hovering  should be the last to make use of a strong expression if i could avoid it , but hovering , sir  the court  know it is  aint it . i only put it to yourself , sir . mr . snagsby , having said this in a very plaintive manner , throws in a cough of general application to fill up all the blanks . why , what do you mean . asks mr . tulkinghorn . just so , sir , returns mr . snagsby i was sure you would feel it yourself and would excuse the reasonableness of my feelings when coupled with the known excitableness of my little woman . you see , the foreign female  you mentioned her name just now , with quite a native sound i am sure  up the word snagsby that night , being uncommon quick , and made inquiry , and got the direction and come at dinner time . now guster , our young woman , is timid and has fits , and she , taking fright at the foreigners looks  are fierce  at a grinding manner that she has of speaking  is calculated to alarm a weak mind  way to it , instead of bearing up against it , and tumbled down the kitchen stairs out of one into another , such fits as i do sometimes think are never gone into , or come out of , in any house but ours . consequently there was by good fortune ample occupation for my little woman , and only me to answer the shop . when she did say that mr . tulkinghorn , being always denied to her by his employer which i had no doubt at the time was a foreign mode of viewing a clerk , she would do herself the pleasure of continually calling at my place until she was let in here . since then she has been , as i began by saying , hovering , sir  . snagsby repeats the word with pathetic emphasis  the court . the effects of which movement it is impossible to calculate . i shouldnt wonder if it might have already given rise to the painfullest mistakes even in the neighbours minds , not mentioning if such a thing was possible my little woman . whereas , goodness knows , says mr . snagsby , shaking his head , i never had an idea of a foreign female , except as being formerly connected with a bunch of brooms and a baby , or at the present time with a tambourine and earrings . i never had , i do assure you , sir . mr . tulkinghorn had listened gravely to this complaint and inquires when the stationer has finished , and thats all , is it , snagsby . why yes , sir , thats all , says mr . snagsby , ending with a cough that plainly adds , and its enough too  me . i dont know what mademoiselle hortense may want or mean , unless she is mad , says the lawyer . even if she was , you know , sir , mr . snagsby pleads , it wouldnt be a consolation to have some weapon or another in the form of a foreign dagger planted in the family . no , says the other . well , . this shall be stopped . i am sorry you have been inconvenienced . if she comes again , send her here . mr . snagsby , with much bowing and short apologetic coughing , takes his leave , lightened in heart . mr . tulkinghorn goes upstairs , saying to himself , these women were created to give trouble the whole earth over . the mistress not being enough to deal with , heres the maid now . but i will be short with this jade at least . so saying , he unlocks his door , gropes his way into his murky rooms , lights his candles , and looks about him . it is too dark to see much of the allegory overhead there , but that importunate roman , who is for ever toppling out of the clouds and pointing , is at his old work pretty distinctly . not honouring him with much attention , mr . tulkinghorn takes a small key from his pocket , unlocks a drawer in which there is another key , which unlocks a chest in which there is another , and so comes to the cellar key, , with which he prepares to descend to the regions of old wine . he is going towards the door with a candle in his hand when a knock comes . whos this . aye , mistress , its you , is it . you appear at a good time . i have just been hearing of you . now . what do you want . he stands the candle on the chimney piece in the clerks hall and taps his dry cheek with the key as he addresses these words of welcome to mademoiselle hortense . that feline personage , with her lips tightly shut and her eyes looking out at him sideways , softly closes the door before replying . i have had great deal of trouble to find you , sir . have you . i have been here very often , sir . it has always been said to me , he is not at home , he is engage , he is this and that , he is not for you . quite right , and quite true . not true . lies . at times there is a suddenness in the manner of mademoiselle hortense so like a bodily spring upon the subject of it that such subject involuntarily starts and fails back . it is mr . tulkinghorns case at present , though mademoiselle hortense , with her eyes almost shut up is only smiling contemptuously and shaking her head . now , mistress , says the lawyer , tapping the key hastily upon the chimney piece . if you have anything to say , it , say it . sir , you have not use me well . you have been mean and shabby . mean and shabby , eh . returns the lawyer , rubbing his nose with the key . yes . what is it that i tell you . you know you have . you have attrapped me  give you information you have asked me to show you the dress of mine my lady must have wore that night , you have prayed me to come in it here to meet that boy . say . is it not . mademoiselle hortense makes another spring . you are a vixen , a vixen . mr . tulkinghorn seems to meditate as he looks distrustfully at her , then he replies , well , wench , well . i paid you . you paid me . she repeats with fierce disdain . two sovereign . i have not change them , i re fuse them , i des pise them , i throw them from me . which she literally does , taking them out of her bosom as she speaks and flinging them with such violence on the floor that they jerk up again into the light before they roll away into corners and slowly settle down there after spinning vehemently . now . says mademoiselle hortense , darkening her large eyes again . you have paid me . eh , my god , oh yes . mr . tulkinghorn rubs his head with the key while she entertains herself with a sarcastic laugh . you must be rich , my fair friend , he composedly observes , to throw money about in that way . i am rich , she returns . i am very rich in hate . i hate my lady , of all my heart . you know that . know it . how should i know it . because you have known it perfectly before you prayed me to give you that information . because you have known perfectly that i was en r . it appears impossible for mademoiselle to roll the letter r sufficiently in this word , notwithstanding that she assists her energetic delivery by clenching both her hands and setting all her teeth . oh . i knew that , did i . says mr . tulkinghorn , examining the wards of the key . yes , without doubt . i am not blind . you have made sure of me because you knew that . you had reason . i det est her . mademoiselle hortense folds her arms and throws this last remark at him over one of her shoulders . having said this , have you anything else to say , mademoiselle . i am not yet placed . place me well . find me a good condition . if you cannot , or do not choose to do that , employ me to pursue her , to chase her , to disgrace and to dishonour her . i will help you well , and with a good will . it is what you do . do i not know that . you appear to know a good deal , mr . tulkinghorn retorts . do i not . is it that i am so weak as to believe , like a child , that i come here in that dress to rec eive that boy only to decide a little bet , a wager . eh , my god , oh yes . in this reply , down to the word wager inclusive , mademoiselle has been ironically polite and tender , then as suddenly dashed into the bitterest and most defiant scorn , with her black eyes in one and the same moment very nearly shut and staringly wide open . now , let us see , says mr . tulkinghorn , tapping his chin with the key and looking imperturbably at her , how this matter stands . ah . let us see , mademoiselle assents , with many angry and tight nods of her head . you come here to make a remarkably modest demand , which you have just stated , and it not being conceded , you will come again . and again , says mademoiselle with more tight and angry nods . and yet again . and yet again . and many times again . in effect , for ever . and not only here , but you will go to mr . snagsbys too , perhaps . that visit not succeeding either , you will go again perhaps . and again , repeats mademoiselle , cataleptic with determination . and yet again . and yet again . and many times again . in effect , for ever . very well . now , mademoiselle hortense , let me recommend you to take the candle and pick up that money of yours . i think you will find it behind the clerks partition in the corner yonder . she merely throws a laugh over her shoulder and stands her ground with folded arms . you will not , eh . no , i will not . so much the poorer you so much the richer i . look , mistress , this is the key of my wine cellar . it is a large key , but the keys of prisons are larger . in this city there are houses of correction the gates of which are very strong and heavy , and no doubt the keys too . i am afraid a lady of your spirit and activity would find it an inconvenience to have one of those keys turned upon her for any length of time . what do you think . i think , mademoiselle replies without any action and in a clear , obliging voice , that you are a miserable wretch . probably , returns mr . tulkinghorn , quietly blowing his nose . but i dont ask what you think of myself i ask what you think of the prison . nothing . what does it matter to me . why , it matters this much , mistress , says the lawyer , deliberately putting away his handkerchief and adjusting his frill the law is so despotic here that it interferes to prevent any of our good english citizens from being troubled , even by a ladys visits against his desire . and on his complaining that he is so troubled , it takes hold of the troublesome lady and shuts her up in prison under hard discipline . turns the key upon her , mistress . illustrating with the cellar key . truly . returns mademoiselle in the same pleasant voice . that is droll . but  faith . what does it matter to me . my fair friend , says mr . tulkinghorn , make another visit here , or at mr . snagsbys , and you shall learn . in that case you will send me to the prison , perhaps . perhaps . it would be contradictory for one in mademoiselles state of agreeable jocularity to foam at the mouth , otherwise a tigerish expansion thereabouts might look as if a very little more would make her do it . in a word , mistress , says mr . tulkinghorn , i am sorry to be unpolite , but if you ever present yourself uninvited here  there  , i will give you over to the police . their gallantry is great , but they carry troublesome people through the streets in an ignominious manner , strapped down on a board , my good wench . i will prove you , whispers mademoiselle , stretching out her hand , i will try if you dare to do it . and if , pursues the lawyer without minding her , i place you in that good condition of being locked up in jail , it will be some time before you find yourself at liberty again . i will prove you , repeats mademoiselle in her former whisper . and now , proceeds the lawyer , still without minding her , you had better go . think twice before you come here again . think you , she answers , twice two hundred times . you were dismissed by your lady , you know , mr . tulkinghorn observes , following her out upon the staircase , as the most implacable and unmanageable of women . now turn over a new leaf and take warning by what i say to you . for what i say , i mean and what i threaten , i will do , mistress . she goes down without answering or looking behind her . when she is gone , he goes down too , and returning with his cobweb covered bottle , devotes himself to a leisurely enjoyment of its contents , now and then , as he throws his head back in his chair , catching sight of the pertinacious roman pointing from the ceiling . chapter xliii esthers narrative it matters little now how much i thought of my living mother who had told me evermore to consider her dead . i could not venture to approach her or to communicate with her in writing , for my sense of the peril in which her life was passed was only to be equalled by my fears of increasing it . knowing that my mere existence as a living creature was an unforeseen danger in her way , i could not always conquer that terror of myself which had seized me when i first knew the secret . at no time did i dare to utter her name . i felt as if i did not even dare to hear it . if the conversation anywhere , when i was present , took that direction , as it sometimes naturally did , i tried not to hear i mentally counted , repeated something that i knew , or went out of the room . i am conscious now that i often did these things when there can have been no danger of her being spoken of , but i did them in the dread i had of hearing anything that might lead to her betrayal , and to her betrayal through me . it matters little now how often i recalled the tones of my mothers voice , wondered whether i should ever hear it again as i so longed to do , and thought how strange and desolate it was that it should be so new to me . it matters little that i watched for every public mention of my mothers name that i passed and repassed the door of her house in town , loving it , but afraid to look at it that i once sat in the theatre when my mother was there and saw me , and when we were so wide asunder before the great company of all degrees that any link or confidence between us seemed a dream . it is all , over . my lot has been so blest that i can relate little of myself which is not a story of goodness and generosity in others . i may well pass that little and go on . when we were settled at home again , ada and i had many conversations with my guardian of which richard was the theme . my dear girl was deeply grieved that he should do their kind cousin so much wrong , but she was so faithful to richard that she could not bear to blame him even for that . my guardian was assured of it , and never coupled his name with a word of reproof . rick is mistaken , my dear , he would say to her . well , . we have all been mistaken over and over again . we must trust to you and time to set him right . we knew afterwards what we suspected then , that he did not trust to time until he had often tried to open richards eyes . that he had written to him , gone to him , talked with him , tried every gentle and persuasive art his kindness could devise . our poor devoted richard was deaf and blind to all . if he were wrong , he would make amends when the chancery suit was over . if he were groping in the dark , he could not do better than do his utmost to clear away those clouds in which so much was confused and obscured . suspicion and misunderstanding were the fault of the suit . then let him work the suit out and come through it to his right mind . this was his unvarying reply . jarndyce and jarndyce had obtained such possession of his whole nature that it was impossible to place any consideration before him which he did not , with a distorted kind of reason , make a new argument in favour of his doing what he did . so that it is even more mischievous , said my guardian once to me , to remonstrate with the poor dear fellow than to leave him alone . i took one of these opportunities of mentioning my doubts of mr . skimpole as a good adviser for richard . adviser . returned my guardian , laughing , my dear , who would advise with skimpole . encourager would perhaps have been a better word , said i . encourager . returned my guardian again . who could be encouraged by skimpole . not richard . i asked . no , he replied . such an unworldly , uncalculating , gossamer creature is a relief to him and an amusement . but as to advising or encouraging or occupying a serious station towards anybody or anything , it is simply not to be thought of in such a child as skimpole . pray , cousin john , said ada , who had just joined us and now looked over my shoulder , what made him such a child . what made him such a child . inquired my guardian , rubbing his head , a little at a loss . yes , cousin john . why , he slowly replied , roughening his head more and more , he is all sentiment , and  susceptibility , and  sensibility , and  imagination . and these qualities are not regulated in him , somehow . i suppose the people who admired him for them in his youth attached too much importance to them and too little to any training that would have balanced and adjusted them , and so he became what he is . hey . said my guardian , stopping short and looking at us hopefully . what do you think , you two . ada , glancing at me , said she thought it was a pity he should be an expense to richard . so it is , so it is , returned my guardian hurriedly . that must not be . we must arrange that . i must prevent it . that will never do . and i said i thought it was to be regretted that he had ever introduced richard to mr . vholes for a present of five pounds . did he . said my guardian with a passing shade of vexation on his face . but there you have the man . there you have the man . there is nothing mercenary in that with him . he has no idea of the value of money . he introduces rick , and then he is good friends with mr . vholes and borrows five pounds of him . he means nothing by it and thinks nothing of it . he told you himself , ill be bound , my dear . oh , yes . said i . exactly . cried my guardian , quite triumphant . there you have the man . if he had meant any harm by it or was conscious of any harm in it , he wouldnt tell it . he tells it as he does it in mere simplicity . but you shall see him in his own home , and then youll understand him better . we must pay a visit to harold skimpole and caution him on these points . lord bless you , my dears , an infant , an infant . in pursuance of this plan , we went into london on an early day and presented ourselves at mr . skimpoles door . he lived in a place called the polygon , in somers town , where there were at that time a number of poor spanish refugees walking about in cloaks , smoking little paper cigars . whether he was a better tenant than one might have supposed , in consequence of his friend somebody always paying his rent at last , or whether his inaptitude for business rendered it particularly difficult to turn him out , i dont know but he had occupied the same house some years . it was in a state of dilapidation quite equal to our expectation . two or three of the area railings were gone , the water butt was broken , the knocker was loose , the bell handle had been pulled off a long time to judge from the rusty state of the wire , and dirty footprints on the steps were the only signs of its being inhabited . a slatternly full blown girl who seemed to be bursting out at the rents in her gown and the cracks in her shoes like an over ripe berry answered our knock by opening the door a very little way and stopping up the gap with her figure . as she knew mr . jarndyce indeed ada and i both thought that she evidently associated him with the receipt of her wages , she immediately relented and allowed us to pass in . the lock of the door being in a disabled condition , she then applied herself to securing it with the chain , which was not in good action either , and said would we go upstairs . we went upstairs to the first floor , still seeing no other furniture than the dirty footprints . mr . jarndyce without further ceremony entered a room there , and we followed . it was dingy enough and not at all clean , but furnished with an odd kind of shabby luxury , with a large footstool , a sofa , and plenty of cushions , an easy chair, , and plenty of pillows , a piano , books , drawing materials , music , newspapers , and a few sketches and pictures . a broken pane of glass in one of the dirty windows was papered and wafered over , but there was a little plate of hothouse nectarines on the table , and there was another of grapes , and another of sponge cakes, , and there was a bottle of light wine . mr . skimpole himself reclined upon the sofa in a dressing gown, , drinking some fragrant coffee from an old china cup  was then about mid day looking at a collection of wallflowers in the balcony . he was not in the least disconcerted by our appearance , but rose and received us in his usual airy manner . here i am , you see . he said when we were seated , not without some little difficulty , the greater part of the chairs being broken . here i am . this is my frugal breakfast . some men want legs of beef and mutton for breakfast i dont . give me my peach , my cup of coffee , and my claret i am content . i dont want them for themselves , but they remind me of the sun . theres nothing solar about legs of beef and mutton . mere animal satisfaction . this is our friends consulting room or would be , if he ever prescribed , his sanctum , his studio , said my guardian to us . yes , said mr . skimpole , turning his bright face about , this is the birds cage . this is where the bird lives and sings . they pluck his feathers now and then and clip his wings , but he sings , he sings . he handed us the grapes , repeating in his radiant way , he sings . not an ambitious note , but still he sings . these are very fine , said my guardian . a present . no , he answered . no . some amiable gardener sells them . his man wanted to know , when he brought them last evening , whether he should wait for the money . really , my friend , i said , i think not  your time is of any value to you . i suppose it was , for he went away . my guardian looked at us with a smile , as though he asked us , is it possible to be worldly with this baby . this is a day , said mr . skimpole , gaily taking a little claret in a tumbler , that will ever be remembered here . we shall call it saint clare and saint summerson day . you must see my daughters . i have a blue eyed daughter who is my beauty daughter , i have a sentiment daughter , and i have a comedy daughter . you must see them all . theyll be enchanted . he was going to summon them when my guardian interposed and asked him to pause a moment , as he wished to say a word to him first . my dear jarndyce , he cheerfully replied , going back to his sofa , as many moments as you please . time is no object here . we never know what oclock it is , and we never care . not the way to get on in life , youll tell me . certainly . but we dont get on in life . we dont pretend to do it . my guardian looked at us again , plainly saying , you hear him . now , harold , he began , the word i have to say relates to rick . the dearest friend i have . returned mr . skimpole cordially . i suppose he ought not to be my dearest friend , as he is not on terms with you . but he is , i cant help it he is full of youthful poetry , and i love him . if you dont like it , i cant help it . i love him . the engaging frankness with which he made this declaration really had a disinterested appearance and captivated my guardian , if not , for the moment , ada too . you are welcome to love him as much as you like , returned mr . jarndyce , but we must save his pocket , harold . oh . said mr . skimpole . his pocket . now you are coming to what i dont understand . taking a little more claret and dipping one of the cakes in it , he shook his head and smiled at ada and me with an ingenuous foreboding that he never could be made to understand . if you go with him here or there , said my guardian plainly , you must not let him pay for both . my dear jarndyce , returned mr . skimpole , his genial face irradiated by the comicality of this idea , what am i to do . if he takes me anywhere , i must go . and how can i pay . i never have any money . if i had any money , i dont know anything about it . suppose i say to a man , how much . suppose the man says to me seven and sixpence . i know nothing about seven and sixpence . it is impossible for me to pursue the subject with any consideration for the man . i dont go about asking busy people what seven and sixpence is in moorish  i dont understand . why should i go about asking them what seven and sixpence is in money  i dont understand . well , said my guardian , by no means displeased with this artless reply , if you come to any kind of journeying with rick , you must borrow the money of me never breathing the least allusion to that circumstance , and leave the calculation to him . my dear jarndyce , returned mr . skimpole , i will do anything to give you pleasure , but it seems an idle form  superstition . besides , i give you my word , miss clare and my dear miss summerson , i thought mr . carstone was immensely rich . i thought he had only to make over something , or to sign a bond , or a draft , or a cheque , or a bill , or to put something on a file somewhere , to bring down a shower of money . indeed it is not so , sir , said ada . he is poor . no , really . returned mr . skimpole with his bright smile . you surprise me . and not being the richer for trusting in a rotten reed , said my guardian , laying his hand emphatically on the sleeve of mr . skimpoles dressing gown, , be you very careful not to encourage him in that reliance , harold . my dear good friend , returned mr . skimpole , and my dear miss simmerson , and my dear miss clare , how can i do that . its business , and i dont know business . it is he who encourages me . he emerges from great feats of business , presents the brightest prospects before me as their result , and calls upon me to admire them . i do admire them  bright prospects . but i know no more about them , and i tell him so . the helpless kind of candour with which he presented this before us , the light hearted manner in which he was amused by his innocence , the fantastic way in which he took himself under his own protection and argued about that curious person , combined with the delightful ease of everything he said exactly to make out my guardians case . the more i saw of him , the more unlikely it seemed to me , when he was present , that he could design , conceal , or influence anything and yet the less likely that appeared when he was not present , and the less agreeable it was to think of his having anything to do with any one for whom i cared . hearing that his examination was now over , mr . skimpole left the room with a radiant face to fetch his daughters leaving my guardian quite delighted by the manner in which he had vindicated his childish character . he soon came back , bringing with him the three young ladies and mrs . skimpole , who had once been a beauty but was now a delicate high nosed invalid suffering under a complication of disorders . this , said mr . skimpole , is my beauty daughter , arethusa  and sings odds and ends like her father . this is my sentiment daughter , laura  a little but dont sing . this is my comedy daughter , kitty  a little but dont play . we all draw a little and compose a little , and none of us have any idea of time or money . mrs . skimpole sighed , i thought , as if she would have been glad to strike out this item in the family attainments . i also thought that she rather impressed her sigh upon my guardian and that she took every opportunity of throwing in another . it is pleasant , said mr . skimpole , turning his sprightly eyes from one to the other of us , and it is whimsically interesting to trace peculiarities in families . in this family we are all children , and i am the youngest . the daughters , who appeared to be very fond of him , were amused by this droll fact , particularly the comedy daughter . my dears , it is true , said mr . skimpole , is it not . so it is , and so it must be , because like the dogs in the hymn , it is our nature to . now , here is miss summerson with a fine administrative capacity and a knowledge of details perfectly surprising . it will sound very strange in miss summersons ears , i dare say , that we know nothing about chops in this house . but we dont , not the least . we cant cook anything whatever . a needle and thread we dont know how to use . we admire the people who possess the practical wisdom we want , but we dont quarrel with them . then why should they quarrel with us . live and let live , we say to them . live upon your practical wisdom , and let us live upon you . he laughed , but as usual seemed quite candid and really to mean what he said . we have sympathy , my roses , said mr . skimpole , sympathy for everything . have we not . oh , yes , papa . cried the three daughters . in fact , that is our family department , said mr . skimpole , in this hurly burly of life . we are capable of looking on and of being interested , and we do look on , and we are interested . what more can we do . here is my beauty daughter , married these three years . now i dare say her marrying another child , and having two more , was all wrong in point of political economy , but it was very agreeable . we had our little festivities on those occasions and exchanged social ideas . she brought her young husband home one day , and they and their young fledglings have their nest upstairs . i dare say at some time or other sentiment and comedy will bring their husbands home and have their nests upstairs too . so we get on , we dont know how , but somehow . she looked very young indeed to be the mother of two children , and i could not help pitying both her and them . it was evident that the three daughters had grown up as they could and had just as little haphazard instruction as qualified them to be their fathers playthings in his idlest hours . his pictorial tastes were consulted , i observed , in their respective styles of wearing their hair , the beauty daughter being in the classic manner , the sentiment daughter luxuriant and flowing , and the comedy daughter in the arch style , with a good deal of sprightly forehead , and vivacious little curls dotted about the corners of her eyes . they were dressed to correspond , though in a most untidy and negligent way . ada and i conversed with these young ladies and found them wonderfully like their father . in the meanwhile mr . jarndyce who had been rubbing his head to a great extent , and hinted at a change in the wind talked with mrs . skimpole in a corner , where we could not help hearing the chink of money . mr . skimpole had previously volunteered to go home with us and had withdrawn to dress himself for the purpose . my roses , he said when he came back , take care of mama . she is poorly to day . by going home with mr . jarndyce for a day or two , i shall hear the larks sing and preserve my amiability . it has been tried , you know , and would be tried again if i remained at home . that bad man . said the comedy daughter . at the very time when he knew papa was lying ill by his wallflowers , looking at the blue sky , laura complained . and when the smell of hay was in the air . said arethusa . it showed a want of poetry in the man , mr . skimpole assented , but with perfect good humour . it was coarse . there was an absence of the finer touches of humanity in it . my daughters have taken great offence , he explained to us , at an honest man  not honest , papa . impossible . they all three protested . at a rough kind of fellow  sort of human hedgehog rolled up , said mr . skimpole , who is a baker in this neighbourhood and from whom we borrowed a couple of arm chairs . we wanted a couple of arm chairs, , and we hadnt got them , and therefore of course we looked to a man who had got them , to lend them . well . this morose person lent them , and we wore them out . when they were worn out , he wanted them back . he had them back . he was contented , you will say . not at all . he objected to their being worn . i reasoned with him , and pointed out his mistake . i said , can you , at your time of life , be so headstrong , my friend , as to persist that an arm chair is a thing to put upon a shelf and look at . that it is an object to contemplate , to survey from a distance , to consider from a point of sight . dont you know that these arm chairs were borrowed to be sat upon . he was unreasonable and unpersuadable and used intemperate language . being as patient as i am at this minute , i addressed another appeal to him . i said , now , my good man , however our business capacities may vary , we are all children of one great mother , nature . on this blooming summer morning here you see me with flowers before me , fruit upon the table , the cloudless sky above me , the air full of fragrance , contemplating nature . i entreat you , by our common brotherhood , not to interpose between me and a subject so sublime , the absurd figure of an angry baker . but he did , said mr . skimpole , raising his laughing eyes in playful astonishment he did interpose that ridiculous figure , and he does , and he will again . and therefore i am very glad to get out of his way and to go home with my friend jarndyce . it seemed to escape his consideration that mrs . skimpole and the daughters remained behind to encounter the baker , but this was so old a story to all of them that it had become a matter of course . he took leave of his family with a tenderness as airy and graceful as any other aspect in which he showed himself and rode away with us in perfect harmony of mind . we had an opportunity of seeing through some open doors , as we went downstairs , that his own apartment was a palace to the rest of the house . i could have no anticipation , and i had none , that something very startling to me at the moment , and ever memorable to me in what ensued from it , was to happen before this day was out . our guest was in such spirits on the way home that i could do nothing but listen to him and wonder at him nor was i alone in this , for ada yielded to the same fascination . as to my guardian , the wind , which had threatened to become fixed in the east when we left somers town , veered completely round before we were a couple of miles from it . whether of questionable childishness or not in any other matters , mr . skimpole had a childs enjoyment of change and bright weather . in no way wearied by his sallies on the road , he was in the drawing room before any of us and i heard him at the piano while i was yet looking after my housekeeping , singing refrains of barcaroles and drinking songs , italian and german , by the score . we were all assembled shortly before dinner , and he was still at the piano idly picking out in his luxurious way little strains of music , and talking between whiles of finishing some sketches of the ruined old verulam wall to morrow, , which he had begun a year or two ago and had got tired of , when a card was brought in and my guardian read aloud in a surprised voice , sir leicester dedlock . the visitor was in the room while it was yet turning round with me and before i had the power to stir . if i had it , i should have hurried away . i had not even the presence of mind , in my giddiness , to retire to ada in the window , or to see the window , or to know where it was . i heard my name and found that my guardian was presenting me before i could move to a chair . pray be seated , sir leicester . mr . jarndyce , said sir leicester in reply as he bowed and seated himself , i do myself the honour of calling here  you do me the honour , sir leicester . thank you  calling here on my road from lincolnshire to express my regret that any cause of complaint , however strong , that i may have against a gentleman who  is known to you and has been your host , and to whom therefore i will make no farther reference , should have prevented you , still more ladies under your escort and charge , from seeing whatever little there may be to gratify a polite and refined taste at my house , chesney wold . you are exceedingly obliging , sir leicester , and on behalf of those ladies and for myself , i thank you very much . it is possible , mr . jarndyce , that the gentleman to whom , for the reasons i have mentioned , i refrain from making further allusion  is possible , mr . jarndyce , that gentleman may have done me the honour so far to misapprehend my character as to induce you to believe that you would not have been received by my local establishment in lincolnshire with that urbanity , that courtesy , which its members are instructed to show to all ladies and gentlemen who present themselves at that house . i merely beg to observe , sir , that the fact is the reverse . my guardian delicately dismissed this remark without making any verbal answer . it has given me pain , mr . jarndyce , sir leicester weightily proceeded . i assure you , sir , it has given  learn from the housekeeper at chesney wold that a gentleman who was in your company in that part of the county , and who would appear to possess a cultivated taste for the fine arts , was likewise deterred by some such cause from examining the family pictures with that leisure , that attention , that care , which he might have desired to bestow upon them and which some of them might possibly have repaid . here he produced a card and read , with much gravity and a little trouble , through his eye glass, , mr . hirrold  beg your pardon  . this is mr . harold skimpole , said my guardian , evidently surprised . oh . exclaimed sir leicester , i am happy to meet mr . skimpole and to have the opportunity of tendering my personal regrets . i hope , sir , that when you again find yourself in my part of the county , you will be under no similar sense of restraint . you are very obliging , sir leicester dedlock . so encouraged , i shall certainly give myself the pleasure and advantage of another visit to your beautiful house . the owners of such places as chesney wold , said mr . skimpole with his usual happy and easy air , are public benefactors . they are good enough to maintain a number of delightful objects for the admiration and pleasure of us poor men and not to reap all the admiration and pleasure that they yield is to be ungrateful to our benefactors . sir leicester seemed to approve of this sentiment highly . an artist , sir . no , returned mr . skimpole . a perfectly idle man . a mere amateur . sir leicester seemed to approve of this even more . he hoped he might have the good fortune to be at chesney wold when mr . skimpole next came down into lincolnshire . mr . skimpole professed himself much flattered and honoured . mr . skimpole mentioned , pursued sir leicester , addressing himself again to my guardian , mentioned to the housekeeper , who , as he may have observed , is an old and attached retainer of the family  that is , when i walked through the house the other day , on the occasion of my going down to visit miss summerson and miss clare , mr . skimpole airily explained to us . the friend with whom he had formerly been staying there was mr . jarndyce . sir leicester bowed to the bearer of that name . and hence i became aware of the circumstance for which i have professed my regret . that this should have occurred to any gentleman , mr . jarndyce , but especially a gentleman formerly known to lady dedlock , and indeed claiming some distant connexion with her , and for whom as i learn from my lady herself she entertains a high respect , does , i assure you , give  . pray say no more about it , sir leicester , returned my guardian . i am very sensible , as i am sure we all are , of your consideration . indeed the mistake was mine , and i ought to apologize for it . i had not once looked up . i had not seen the visitor and had not even appeared to myself to hear the conversation . it surprises me to find that i can recall it , for it seemed to make no impression on me as it passed . i heard them speaking , but my mind was so confused and my instinctive avoidance of this gentleman made his presence so distressing to me that i thought i understood nothing , through the rushing in my head and the beating of my heart . i mentioned the subject to lady dedlock , said sir leicester , rising , and my lady informed me that she had the pleasure of exchanging a few words with mr . jarndyce and his wards on the occasion of an accidental meeting during their sojourn in the vicinity . permit me , mr . jarndyce , to repeat to yourself , and to these ladies , the assurance i have already tendered to mr . skimpole . circumstances undoubtedly prevent my saying that it would afford me any gratification to hear that mr . boythorn had favoured my house with his presence , but those circumstances are confined to that gentleman himself and do not extend beyond him . you know my old opinion of him , said mr . skimpole , lightly appealing to us . an amiable bull who is determined to make every colour scarlet . sir leicester dedlock coughed as if he could not possibly hear another word in reference to such an individual and took his leave with great ceremony and politeness . i got to my own room with all possible speed and remained there until i had recovered my self command . it had been very much disturbed , but i was thankful to find when i went downstairs again that they only rallied me for having been shy and mute before the great lincolnshire baronet . by that time i had made up my mind that the period was come when i must tell my guardian what i knew . the possibility of my being brought into contact with my mother , of my being taken to her house , even of mr . skimpoles , however distantly associated with me , receiving kindnesses and obligations from her husband , was so painful that i felt i could no longer guide myself without his assistance . when we had retired for the night , and ada and i had our usual talk in our pretty room , i went out at my door again and sought my guardian among his books . i knew he always read at that hour , and as i drew near i saw the light shining out into the passage from his reading lamp . may i come in , guardian . surely , little woman . whats the matter . nothing is the matter . i thought i would like to take this quiet time of saying a word to you about myself . he put a chair for me , shut his book , and put it by , and turned his kind attentive face towards me . i could not help observing that it wore that curious expression i had observed in it once before  that night when he had said that he was in no trouble which i could readily understand . what concerns you , my dear esther , said he , concerns us all . you cannot be more ready to speak than i am to hear . i know that , guardian . but i have such need of your advice and support . oh . you dont know how much need i have to night . he looked unprepared for my being so earnest , and even a little alarmed . or how anxious i have been to speak to you , said i , ever since the visitor was here to day . the visitor , my dear . sir leicester dedlock . yes . he folded his arms and sat looking at me with an air of the profoundest astonishment , awaiting what i should say next . i did not know how to prepare him . why , esther , said he , breaking into a smile , our visitor and you are the two last persons on earth i should have thought of connecting together . oh , yes , guardian , i know it . and i too , but a little while ago . the smile passed from his face , and he became graver than before . he crossed to the door to see that it was shut and resumed his seat before me . guardian , said i , do you remember , when we were overtaken by the thunder storm, , lady dedlocks speaking to you of her sister . of course . of course i do . and reminding you that she and her sister had differed , had gone their several ways . of course . why did they separate , guardian . his face quite altered as he looked at me . my child , what questions are these . i never knew . no one but themselves ever did know , i believe . who could tell what the secrets of those two handsome and proud women were . you have seen lady dedlock . if you had ever seen her sister , you would know her to have been as resolute and haughty as she . oh , guardian , i have seen her many and many a time . seen her . he paused a little , biting his lip . then , esther , when you spoke to me long ago of boythorn , and when i told you that he was all but married once , and that the lady did not die , but died to him , and that time had its influence on his later life  you know it all , and know who the lady was . no , guardian , i returned , fearful of the light that dimly broke upon me . nor do i know yet . lady dedlocks sister . and why , i could scarcely ask him , why , guardian , pray tell me why were they parted . it was her act , and she kept its motives in her inflexible heart . he afterwards did conjecture that some injury which her haughty spirit had received in her cause of quarrel with her sister had wounded her beyond all reason , but she wrote him that from the date of that letter she died to him  in literal truth she did  that the resolution was exacted from her by her knowledge of his proud temper and his strained sense of honour , which were both her nature too . in consideration for those master points in him , and even in consideration for them in herself , she made the sacrifice , she said , and would live in it and die in it . she did both , i fear certainly he never saw her , never heard of her from that hour . nor did any one . oh , guardian , what have i done . i cried , giving way to my grief what sorrow have i innocently caused . you caused , esther . yes , guardian . innocently , but most surely . that secluded sister is my first remembrance . no , . he cried , starting . yes , guardian , yes . and her sister is my mother . i would have told him all my mothers letter , but he would not hear it then . he spoke so tenderly and wisely to me , and he put so plainly before me all i had myself imperfectly thought and hoped in my better state of mind , that , penetrated as i had been with fervent gratitude towards him through so many years , i believed i had never loved him so dearly , never thanked him in my heart so fully , as i did that night . and when he had taken me to my room and kissed me at the door , and when at last i lay down to sleep , my thought was how could i ever be busy enough , how could i ever be good enough , how in my little way could i ever hope to be forgetful enough of myself , devoted enough to him , and useful enough to others , to show him how i blessed and honoured him . chapter xliv the letter and the answer my guardian called me into his room next morning , and then i told him what had been left untold on the previous night . there was nothing to be done , he said , but to keep the secret and to avoid another such encounter as that of yesterday . he understood my feeling and entirely shared it . he charged himself even with restraining mr . skimpole from improving his opportunity . one person whom he need not name to me , it was not now possible for him to advise or help . he wished it were , but no such thing could be . if her mistrust of the lawyer whom she had mentioned were well founded, , which he scarcely doubted , he dreaded discovery . he knew something of him , both by sight and by reputation , and it was certain that he was a dangerous man . whatever happened , he repeatedly impressed upon me with anxious affection and kindness , i was as innocent of as himself and as unable to influence . nor do i understand , said he , that any doubts tend towards you , my dear . much suspicion may exist without that connexion . with the lawyer , i returned . but two other persons have come into my mind since i have been anxious . then i told him all about mr . guppy , who i feared might have had his vague surmises when i little understood his meaning , but in whose silence after our last interview i expressed perfect confidence . well , said my guardian . then we may dismiss him for the present . who is the other . i called to his recollection the french maid and the eager offer of herself she had made to me . ha . he returned thoughtfully . that is a more alarming person than the clerk . but after all , my dear , it was but seeking for a new service . she had seen you and ada a little while before , and it was natural that you should come into her head . she merely proposed herself for your maid , you know . she did nothing more . her manner was strange , said i . yes , and her manner was strange when she took her shoes off and showed that cool relish for a walk that might have ended in her death bed, , said my guardian . it would be useless self distress and torment to reckon up such chances and possibilities . there are very few harmless circumstances that would not seem full of perilous meaning , so considered . be hopeful , little woman . you can be nothing better than yourself be that , through this knowledge , as you were before you had it . it is the best you can do for everybodys sake . i , sharing the secret with you  and lightening it , guardian , so much , said i . be attentive to what passes in that family , so far as i can observe it from my distance . and if the time should come when i can stretch out a hand to render the least service to one whom it is better not to name even here , i will not fail to do it for her dear daughters sake . i thanked him with my whole heart . what could i ever do but thank him . i was going out at the door when he asked me to stay a moment . quickly turning round , i saw that same expression on his face again and all at once , i dont know how , it flashed upon me as a new and far off possibility that i understood it . my dear esther , said my guardian , i have long had something in my thoughts that i have wished to say to you . indeed . i have had some difficulty in approaching it , and i still have . i should wish it to be so deliberately said , and so deliberately considered . would you object to my writing it . dear guardian , how could i object to your writing anything for me to read . then see , my love , said he with his cheery smile , am i at this moment quite as plain and easy  i seem as open , as honest and old fashioned i am at any time . i answered in all earnestness , quite . with the strictest truth , for his momentary hesitation was gone and his fine , sensible , cordial , sterling manner was restored . do i look as if i suppressed anything , meant anything but what i said , had any reservation at all , no matter what . said he with his bright clear eyes on mine . i answered , most assuredly he did not . can you fully trust me , and thoroughly rely on what i profess , esther . most thoroughly , said i with my whole heart . my dear girl , returned my guardian , give me your hand . he took it in his , holding me lightly with his arm , and looking down into my face with the same genuine freshness and faithfulness of manner  old protecting manner which had made that house my home in a moment  , you have wrought changes in me , little woman , since the winter day in the stage coach . first and last you have done me a world of good since that time . ah , guardian , what have you done for me since that time . but , said he , that is not to be remembered now . it never can be forgotten . yes , esther , said he with a gentle seriousness , it is to be forgotten now , to be forgotten for a while . you are only to remember now that nothing can change me as you know me . can you feel quite assured of that , my dear . i can , and i do , i said . thats much , he answered . thats everything . but i must not take that at a word . i will not write this something in my thoughts until you have quite resolved within yourself that nothing can change me as you know me . if you doubt that in the least degree , i will never write it . if you are sure of that , on good consideration , send charley to me this night week  the letter . but if you are not quite certain , never send . mind , i trust to your truth , in this thing as in everything . if you are not quite certain on that one point , never send . guardian , said i , am already certain , i can no more be changed in that conviction than you can be changed towards me . i shall send charley for the letter . he shook my hand and said no more . nor was any more said in reference to this conversation , either by him or me , through the whole week . when the appointed night came , i said to charley as soon as i was alone , go and knock at mr . jarndyces door , charley , and say you have come from me  the letter . charley went up the stairs , and down the stairs , and along the passages  zig zag way about the old fashioned house seemed very long in my listening ears that night  so came back , along the passages , and down the stairs , and up the stairs , and brought the letter . lay it on the table , charley , said i . so charley laid it on the table and went to bed , and i sat looking at it without taking it up , thinking of many things . i began with my overshadowed childhood , and passed through those timid days to the heavy time when my aunt lay dead , with her resolute face so cold and set , and when i was more solitary with mrs . rachael than if i had no one in the world to speak to or to look at . i passed to the altered days when i was so blest as to find friends in all around me , and to be beloved . i came to the time when i first saw my dear girl and was received into that sisterly affection which was the grace and beauty of my life . i recalled the first bright gleam of welcome which had shone out of those very windows upon our expectant faces on that cold bright night , and which had never paled . i lived my happy life there over again , i went through my illness and recovery , i thought of myself so altered and of those around me so unchanged and all this happiness shone like a light from one central figure , represented before me by the letter on the table . i opened it and read it . it was so impressive in its love for me , and in the unselfish caution it gave me , and the consideration it showed for me in every word , that my eyes were too often blinded to read much at a time . but i read it through three times before i laid it down . i had thought beforehand that i knew its purport , and i did . it asked me , would i be the mistress of bleak house . it was not a love letter , though it expressed so much love , but was written just as he would at any time have spoken to me . i saw his face , and heard his voice , and felt the influence of his kind protecting manner in every line . it addressed me as if our places were reversed , as if all the good deeds had been mine and all the feelings they had awakened his . it dwelt on my being young , and he past the prime of life on his having attained a ripe age , while i was a child on his writing to me with a silvered head , and knowing all this so well as to set it in full before me for mature deliberation . it told me that i would gain nothing by such a marriage and lose nothing by rejecting it , for no new relation could enhance the tenderness in which he held me , and whatever my decision was , he was certain it would be right . but he had considered this step anew since our late confidence and had decided on taking it , if it only served to show me through one poor instance that the whole world would readily unite to falsify the stern prediction of my childhood . i was the last to know what happiness i could bestow upon him , but of that he said no more , for i was always to remember that i owed him nothing and that he was my debtor , and for very much . he had often thought of our future , and foreseeing that the time must come , and fearing that it might come soon , when ada would leave us , and when our present mode of life must be broken up , had become accustomed to reflect on this proposal . thus he made it . if i felt that i could ever give him the best right he could have to be my protector , and if i felt that i could happily and justly become the dear companion of his remaining life , superior to all lighter chances and changes than death , even then he could not have me bind myself irrevocably while this letter was yet so new to me , but even then i must have ample time for reconsideration . in that case , or in the opposite case , let him be unchanged in his old relation , in his old manner , in the old name by which i called him . and as to his bright dame durden and little housekeeper , she would ever be the same , he knew . this was the substance of the letter , written throughout with a justice and a dignity as if he were indeed my responsible guardian impartially representing the proposal of a friend against whom in his integrity he stated the full case . but he did not hint to me that when i had been better looking he had this same proceeding in his thoughts and had refrained from it . that when my old face was gone from me , and i had no attractions , he could love me just as well as in my fairer days . that the discovery of my birth gave him no shock . that his generosity rose above my disfigurement and my inheritance of shame . that the more i stood in need of such fidelity , the more firmly i might trust in him to the last . but i knew it , i knew it well now . it came upon me as the close of the benignant history i had been pursuing , and i felt that i had but one thing to do . to devote my life to his happiness was to thank him poorly , and what had i wished for the other night but some new means of thanking him . still i cried very much , not only in the fullness of my heart after reading the letter , not only in the strangeness of the prospect  it was strange though i had expected the contents  as if something for which there was no name or distinct idea were indefinitely lost to me . i was very happy , very thankful , very hopeful but i cried very much . by and by i went to my old glass . my eyes were red and swollen , and i said , oh , esther , can that be you . i am afraid the face in the glass was going to cry again at this reproach , but i held up my finger at it , and it stopped . that is more like the composed look you comforted me with , my dear , when you showed me such a change . said i , beginning to let down my hair . when you are mistress of bleak house , you are to be as cheerful as a bird . in fact , you are always to be cheerful so let us begin for once and for all . i went on with my hair now , quite comfortably . i sobbed a little still , but that was because i had been crying , not because i was crying then . and so esther , my dear , you are happy for life . happy with your best friends , happy in your old home , happy in the power of doing a great deal of good , and happy in the undeserved love of the best of men . i thought , all at once , if my guardian had married some one else , how should i have felt , and what should i have done . that would have been a change indeed . it presented my life in such a new and blank form that i rang my housekeeping keys and gave them a kiss before i laid them down in their basket again . then i went on to think , as i dressed my hair before the glass , how often had i considered within myself that the deep traces of my illness and the circumstances of my birth were only new reasons why i should be busy , amiable , serviceable , in all honest , unpretending ways . this was a good time , to be sure , to sit down morbidly and cry . as to its seeming at all strange to me at first that i was one day to be the mistress of bleak house , why should it seem strange . other people had thought of such things , if i had not . dont you remember , my plain dear , i asked myself , looking at the glass , what mrs . woodcourt said before those scars were there about your marrying  perhaps the name brought them to my remembrance . the dried remains of the flowers . it would be better not to keep them now . they had only been preserved in memory of something wholly past and gone , but it would be better not to keep them now . they were in a book , and it happened to be in the next room  sitting room, , dividing adas chamber from mine . i took a candle and went softly in to fetch it from its shelf . after i had it in my hand , i saw my beautiful darling , through the open door , lying asleep , and i stole in to kiss her . it was weak in me , i know , and i could have no reason for crying but i dropped a tear upon her dear face , and another , and another . weaker than that , i took the withered flowers out and put them for a moment to her lips . i thought about her love for richard , though , indeed , the flowers had nothing to do with that . then i took them into my own room and burned them at the candle , and they were dust in an instant . on entering the breakfast room next morning , i found my guardian just as usual , quite as frank , as open , and free . there being not the least constraint in his manner , there was none or i think there was none in mine . i was with him several times in the course of the morning , in and out , when there was no one there , and i thought it not unlikely that he might speak to me about the letter , but he did not say a word . so , on the next morning , and the next , and for at least a week , over which time mr . skimpole prolonged his stay . i expected , every day , that my guardian might speak to me about the letter , but he never did . i thought then , growing uneasy , that i ought to write an answer . i tried over and over again in my own room at night , but i could not write an answer that at all began like a good answer , so i thought each night i would wait one more day . and i waited seven more days , and he never said a word . at last , mr . skimpole having departed , we three were one afternoon going out for a ride and i , being dressed before ada and going down , came upon my guardian , with his back towards me , standing at the drawing room window looking out . he turned on my coming in and said , smiling , aye , its you , little woman , is it . and looked out again . i had made up my mind to speak to him now . in short , i had come down on purpose . guardian , i said , rather hesitating and trembling , when would you like to have the answer to the letter charley came for . when its ready , my dear , he replied . i think it is ready , said i . is charley to bring it . he asked pleasantly . no . i have brought it myself , guardian , i returned . i put my two arms round his neck and kissed him , and he said was this the mistress of bleak house , and i said yes and it made no difference presently , and we all went out together , and i said nothing to my precious pet about it . chapter xlv in trust one morning when i had done jingling about with my baskets of keys , as my beauty and i were walking round and round the garden i happened to turn my eyes towards the house and saw a long thin shadow going in which looked like mr . vholes . ada had been telling me only that morning of her hopes that richard might exhaust his ardour in the chancery suit by being so very earnest in it and therefore , not to damp my dear girls spirits , i said nothing about mr . vholess shadow . presently came charley , lightly winding among the bushes and tripping along the paths , as rosy and pretty as one of floras attendants instead of my maid , saying , oh , if you please , miss , would you step and speak to mr . jarndyce . it was one of charleys peculiarities that whenever she was charged with a message she always began to deliver it as soon as she beheld , at any distance , the person for whom it was intended . therefore i saw charley asking me in her usual form of words to step and speak to mr . jarndyce long before i heard her . and when i did hear her , she had said it so often that she was out of breath . i told ada i would make haste back and inquired of charley as we went in whether there was not a gentleman with mr . jarndyce . to which charley , whose grammar , i confess to my shame , never did any credit to my educational powers , replied , yes , miss . him as come down in the country with mr . richard . a more complete contrast than my guardian and mr . vholes i suppose there could not be . i found them looking at one another across a table , the one so open and the other so close , the one so broad and upright and the other so narrow and stooping , the one giving out what he had to say in such a rich ringing voice and the other keeping it in such a cold blooded, , gasping , fish like manner that i thought i never had seen two people so unmatched . you know mr . vholes , my dear , said my guardian . not with the greatest urbanity , i must say . mr . vholes rose , gloved and buttoned up as usual , and seated himself again , just as he had seated himself beside richard in the gig . not having richard to look at , he looked straight before him . mr . vholes , said my guardian , eyeing his black figure as if he were a bird of ill omen , has brought an ugly report of our most unfortunate rick . laying a marked emphasis on most unfortunate as if the words were rather descriptive of his connexion with mr . vholes . i sat down between them mr . vholes remained immovable , except that he secretly picked at one of the red pimples on his yellow face with his black glove . and as rick and you are happily good friends , i should like to know , said my guardian , what you think , my dear . would you be so good as to  speak up , mr . vholes . doing anything but that , mr . vholes observed , i have been saying that i have reason to know , miss summerson , as mr . c . s professional adviser , that mr . c . s circumstances are at the present moment in an embarrassed state . not so much in point of amount as owing to the peculiar and pressing nature of liabilities mr . c . has incurred and the means he has of liquidating or meeting the same . i have staved off many little matters for mr . c . but there is a limit to staving off , and we have reached it . i have made some advances out of pocket to accommodate these unpleasantnesses , but i necessarily look to being repaid , for i do not pretend to be a man of capital , and i have a father to support in the vale of taunton , besides striving to realize some little independence for three dear girls at home . my apprehension is , mr . c . s circumstances being such , lest it should end in his obtaining leave to part with his commission , which at all events is desirable to be made known to his connexions . mr . vholes , who had looked at me while speaking , here emerged into the silence he could hardly be said to have broken , so stifled was his tone , and looked before him again . imagine the poor fellow without even his present resource , said my guardian to me . yet what can i do . you know him , esther . he would never accept of help from me now . to offer it or hint at it would be to drive him to an extremity , if nothing else did . mr . vholes hereupon addressed me again . what mr . jarndyce remarks , miss , is no doubt the case , and is the difficulty . i do not see that anything is to be done . i do not say that anything is to be done . far from it . i merely come down here under the seal of confidence and mention it in order that everything may be openly carried on and that it may not be said afterwards that everything was not openly carried on . my wish is that everything should be openly carried on . i desire to leave a good name behind me . if i consulted merely my own interests with mr . c . i should not be here . so insurmountable , as you must well know , would be his objections . this is not a professional attendance . this can he charged to nobody . i have no interest in it except as a member of society and a father  a son , said mr . vholes , who had nearly forgotten that point . it appeared to us that mr . vholes said neither more nor less than the truth in intimating that he sought to divide the responsibility , such as it was , of knowing richards situation . i could only suggest that i should go down to deal , where richard was then stationed , and see him , and try if it were possible to avert the worst . without consulting mr . vholes on this point , i took my guardian aside to propose it , while mr . vholes gauntly stalked to the fire and warmed his funeral gloves . the fatigue of the journey formed an immediate objection on my guardians part , but as i saw he had no other , and as i was only too happy to go , i got his consent . we had then merely to dispose of mr . vholes . well , sir , said mr . jarndyce , miss summerson will communicate with mr . carstone , and you can only hope that his position may be yet retrievable . you will allow me to order you lunch after your journey , sir . i thank you , mr . jarndyce , said mr . vholes , putting out his long black sleeve to check the ringing of the bell , not any . i thank you , no , not a morsel . my digestion is much impaired , and i am but a poor knife and fork at any time . if i was to partake of solid food at this period of the day , i dont know what the consequences might be . everything having been openly carried on , sir , i will now with your permission take my leave . and i would that you could take your leave , and we could all take our leave , mr . vholes , returned my guardian bitterly , of a cause you know of . mr . vholes , whose black dye was so deep from head to foot that it had quite steamed before the fire , diffusing a very unpleasant perfume , made a short one sided inclination of his head from the neck and slowly shook it . we whose ambition it is to be looked upon in the light of respectable practitioners , sir , can but put our shoulders to the wheel . we do it , sir . at least , i do it myself and i wish to think well of my professional brethren , one and all . you are sensible of an obligation not to refer to me , miss , in communicating with mr . c .  . i said i would be careful not to do it . just so , miss . good morning . mr . jarndyce , good morning , sir . mr . vholes put his dead glove , which scarcely seemed to have any hand in it , on my fingers , and then on my guardians fingers , and took his long thin shadow away . i thought of it on the outside of the coach , passing over all the sunny landscape between us and london , chilling the seed in the ground as it glided along . of course it became necessary to tell ada where i was going and why i was going , and of course she was anxious and distressed . but she was too true to richard to say anything but words of pity and words of excuse , and in a more loving spirit still  dear devoted girl . wrote him a long letter , of which i took charge . charley was to be my travelling companion , though i am sure i wanted none and would willingly have left her at home . we all went to london that afternoon , and finding two places in the mail , secured them . at our usual bed time, , charley and i were rolling away seaward with the kentish letters . it was a nights journey in those coach times , but we had the mail to ourselves and did not find the night very tedious . it passed with me as i suppose it would with most people under such circumstances . at one while my journey looked hopeful , and at another hopeless . now i thought i should do some good , and now i wondered how i could ever have supposed so . now it seemed one of the most reasonable things in the world that i should have come , and now one of the most unreasonable . in what state i should find richard , what i should say to him , and what he would say to me occupied my mind by turns with these two states of feeling and the wheels seemed to play one tune over and over again all night . at last we came into the narrow streets of deal , and very gloomy they were upon a raw misty morning . the long flat beach , with its little irregular houses , wooden and brick , and its litter of capstans , and great boats , and sheds , and bare upright poles with tackle and blocks , and loose gravelly waste places overgrown with grass and weeds , wore as dull an appearance as any place i ever saw . the sea was heaving under a thick white fog and nothing else was moving but a few early ropemakers , who , with the yarn twisted round their bodies , looked as if , tired of their present state of existence , they were spinning themselves into cordage . but when we got into a warm room in an excellent hotel and sat down , comfortably washed and dressed , to an early breakfast for it was too late to think of going to bed , deal began to look more cheerful . our little room was like a ships cabin , and that delighted charley very much . then the fog began to rise like a curtain , and numbers of ships that we had no idea were near appeared . i dont know how many sail the waiter told us were then lying in the downs . some of these vessels were of grand size  was a large indiaman just come home and when the sun shone through the clouds , making silvery pools in the dark sea , the way in which these ships brightened , and shadowed , and changed , amid a bustle of boats pulling off from the shore to them and from them to the shore , and a general life and motion in themselves and everything around them , was most beautiful . the large indiaman was our great attraction because she had come into the downs in the night . she was surrounded by boats , and we said how glad the people on board of her must be to come ashore . charley was curious , too , about the voyage , and about the heat in india , and the serpents and the tigers and as she picked up such information much faster than grammar , i told her what i knew on those points . i told her , too , how people in such voyages were sometimes wrecked and cast on rocks , where they were saved by the intrepidity and humanity of one man . and charley asking how that could be , i told her how we knew at home of such a case . i had thought of sending richard a note saying i was there , but it seemed so much better to go to him without preparation . as he lived in barracks i was a little doubtful whether this was feasible , but we went out to reconnoitre . peeping in at the gate of the barrack yard, , we found everything very quiet at that time in the morning , and i asked a sergeant standing on the guardhouse steps where he lived . he sent a man before to show me , who went up some bare stairs , and knocked with his knuckles at a door , and left us . now then . cried richard from within . so i left charley in the little passage , and going on to the half open door , said , can i come in , richard . its only dame durden . he was writing at a table , with a great confusion of clothes , tin cases , books , boots , brushes , and portmanteaus strewn all about the floor . he was only half dressed  plain clothes , i observed , not in uniform  his hair was unbrushed , and he looked as wild as his room . all this i saw after he had heartily welcomed me and i was seated near him , for he started upon hearing my voice and caught me in his arms in a moment . dear richard . he was ever the same to me . down to  , poor fellow . the end , he never received me but with something of his old merry boyish manner . good heaven , my dear little woman , said he , how do you come here . who could have thought of seeing you . nothing the matter . ada is well . quite well . lovelier than ever , richard . ah . he said , leaning back in his chair . my poor cousin . i was writing to you , esther . so worn and haggard as he looked , even in the fullness of his handsome youth , leaning back in his chair and crushing the closely written sheet of paper in his hand . have you been at the trouble of writing all that , and am i not to read it after all . i asked . oh , my dear , he returned with a hopeless gesture . you may read it in the whole room . it is all over here . i mildly entreated him not to be despondent . i told him that i had heard by chance of his being in difficulty and had come to consult with him what could best be done . like you , esther , but useless , and so not like you . said he with a melancholy smile . i am away on leave this day  have been gone in another hour  that is to smooth it over , for my selling out . well . let bygones be bygones . so this calling follows the rest . i only want to have been in the church to have made the round of all the professions . richard , i urged , it is not so hopeless as that . esther , he returned , it is indeed . i am just so near disgrace as that those who are put in authority over me would far rather be without me than with me . and they are right . apart from debts and duns and all such drawbacks , i am not fit even for this employment . i have no care , no mind , no heart , no soul , but for one thing . why , if this bubble hadnt broken now , he said , tearing the letter he had written into fragments and moodily casting them away , by driblets , how could i have gone abroad . i must have been ordered abroad , but how could i have gone . how could i , with my experience of that thing , trust even vholes unless i was at his back . i suppose he knew by my face what i was about to say , but he caught the hand i had laid upon his arm and touched my own lips with it to prevent me from going on . no , dame durden . two subjects i forbid  . the first is john jarndyce . the second , you know what . call it madness , and i tell you i cant help it now , and cant be sane . but it is no such thing it is the one object i have to pursue . it is a pity i ever was prevailed upon to turn out of my road for any other . it would be wisdom to abandon it now , after all the time , anxiety , and pains i have bestowed upon it . oh , yes , true wisdom . it would be very agreeable , too , to some people but i never will . he was in that mood in which i thought it best not to increase his determination by opposing him . i took out adas letter and put it in his hand . am i to read it now . he asked . as i told him yes , he laid it on the table , and resting his head upon his hand , began . he had not read far when he rested his head upon his two hands  hide his face from me . in a little while he rose as if the light were bad and went to the window . he finished reading it there , with his back towards me , and after he had finished and had folded it up , stood there for some minutes with the letter in his hand . when he came back to his chair , i saw tears in his eyes . of course , esther , you know what she says here . he spoke in a softened voice and kissed the letter as he asked me . yes , richard . offers me , he went on , tapping his foot upon the floor , the little inheritance she is certain of so soon  as little and as much as i have wasted  begs and prays me to take it , set myself right with it , and remain in the service . i know your welfare to be the dearest wish of her heart , said i . and , oh , my dear richard , adas is a noble heart . i am sure it is . i  wish i was dead . he went back to the window , and laying his arm across it , leaned his head down on his arm . it greatly affected me to see him so , but i hoped he might become more yielding , and i remained silent . my experience was very limited i was not at all prepared for his rousing himself out of this emotion to a new sense of injury . and this is the heart that the same john jarndyce , who is not otherwise to be mentioned between us , stepped in to estrange from me , said he indignantly . and the dear girl makes me this generous offer from under the same john jarndyces roof , and with the same john jarndyces gracious consent and connivance , i dare say , as a new means of buying me off . richard . i cried out , rising hastily . i will not hear you say such shameful words . i was very angry with him indeed , for the first time in my life , but it only lasted a moment . when i saw his worn young face looking at me as if he were sorry , i put my hand on his shoulder and said , if you please , my dear richard , do not speak in such a tone to me . consider . he blamed himself exceedingly and told me in the most generous manner that he had been very wrong and that he begged my pardon a thousand times . at that i laughed , but trembled a little too , for i was rather fluttered after being so fiery . to accept this offer , my dear esther , said he , sitting down beside me and resuming our conversation , more , pray , forgive me i am deeply grieved  accept my dearest cousins offer is , i need not say , impossible . besides , i have letters and papers that i could show you which would convince you it is all over here . i have done with the red coat , believe me . but it is some satisfaction , in the midst of my troubles and perplexities , to know that i am pressing adas interests in pressing my own . vholes has his shoulder to the wheel , and he cannot help urging it on as much for her as for me , thank god . his sanguine hopes were rising within him and lighting up his features , but they made his face more sad to me than it had been before . no , . cried richard exultingly . if every farthing of adas little fortune were mine , no part of it should be spent in retaining me in what i am not fit for , can take no interest in , and am weary of . it should be devoted to what promises a better return , and should be used where she has a larger stake . dont be uneasy for me . i shall now have only one thing on my mind , and vholes and i will work it . i shall not be without means . free of my commission , i shall be able to compound with some small usurers who will hear of nothing but their bond now  says so . i should have a balance in my favour anyway , but that would swell it . come , . you shall carry a letter to ada from me , esther , and you must both of you be more hopeful of me and not believe that i am quite cast away just yet , my dear . i will not repeat what i said to richard . i know it was tiresome , and nobody is to suppose for a moment that it was at all wise . it only came from my heart . he heard it patiently and feelingly , but i saw that on the two subjects he had reserved it was at present hopeless to make any representation to him . i saw too , and had experienced in this very interview , the sense of my guardians remark that it was even more mischievous to use persuasion with him than to leave him as he was . therefore i was driven at last to asking richard if he would mind convincing me that it really was all over there , as he had said , and that it was not his mere impression . he showed me without hesitation a correspondence making it quite plain that his retirement was arranged . i found , from what he told me , that mr . vholes had copies of these papers and had been in consultation with him throughout . beyond ascertaining this , and having been the bearer of adas letter , and being richards companion back to london , i had done no good by coming down . admitting this to myself with a reluctant heart , i said i would return to the hotel and wait until he joined me there , so he threw a cloak over his shoulders and saw me to the gate , and charley and i went back along the beach . there was a concourse of people in one spot , surrounding some naval officers who were landing from a boat , and pressing about them with unusual interest . i said to charley this would be one of the great indiamans boats now , and we stopped to look . the gentlemen came slowly up from the waterside , speaking good humouredly to each other and to the people around and glancing about them as if they were glad to be in england again . charley , said i , come away . and i hurried on so swiftly that my little maid was surprised . it was not until we were shut up in our cabin room and i had time to take breath that i began to think why i had made such haste . in one of the sunburnt faces i had recognized mr . allan woodcourt , and i had been afraid of his recognizing me . i had been unwilling that he should see my altered looks . i had been taken by surprise , and my courage had quite failed me . but i knew this would not do , and i now said to myself , my dear , there is no reason  is and there can be no reason at all  it should be worse for you now than it ever has been . what you were last month , you are to day you are no worse , you are no better . this is not your resolution call it up , esther , call it up . i was in a great tremble  running  at first was quite unable to calm myself but i got better , and i was very glad to know it . the party came to the hotel . i heard them speaking on the staircase . i was sure it was the same gentlemen because i knew their voices again  mean i knew mr . woodcourts . it would still have been a great relief to me to have gone away without making myself known , but i was determined not to do so . no , my dear , no . no , . i untied my bonnet and put my veil half up  think i mean half down , but it matters very little  wrote on one of my cards that i happened to be there with mr . richard carstone , and i sent it in to mr . woodcourt . he came immediately . i told him i was rejoiced to be by chance among the first to welcome him home to england . and i saw that he was very sorry for me . you have been in shipwreck and peril since you left us , mr . woodcourt , said i , but we can hardly call that a misfortune which enabled you to be so useful and so brave . we read of it with the truest interest . it first came to my knowledge through your old patient , poor miss flite , when i was recovering from my severe illness . ah . little miss flite . he said . she lives the same life yet . just the same . i was so comfortable with myself now as not to mind the veil and to be able to put it aside . her gratitude to you , mr . woodcourt , is delightful . she is a most affectionate creature , as i have reason to say . you  have found her so . he returned . i  am glad of that . he was so very sorry for me that he could scarcely speak . i assure you , said i , that i was deeply touched by her sympathy and pleasure at the time i have referred to . i was grieved to hear that you had been very ill . i was very ill . but you have quite recovered . i have quite recovered my health and my cheerfulness , said i . you know how good my guardian is and what a happy life we lead , and i have everything to be thankful for and nothing in the world to desire . i felt as if he had greater commiseration for me than i had ever had for myself . it inspired me with new fortitude and new calmness to find that it was i who was under the necessity of reassuring him . i spoke to him of his voyage out and home , and of his future plans , and of his probable return to india . he said that was very doubtful . he had not found himself more favoured by fortune there than here . he had gone out a poor ships surgeon and had come home nothing better . while we were talking , and when i was glad to believe that i had alleviated the shock he had in seeing me , richard came in . he had heard downstairs who was with me , and they met with cordial pleasure . i saw that after their first greetings were over , and when they spoke of richards career , mr . woodcourt had a perception that all was not going well with him . he frequently glanced at his face as if there were something in it that gave him pain , and more than once he looked towards me as though he sought to ascertain whether i knew what the truth was . yet richard was in one of his sanguine states and in good spirits and was thoroughly pleased to see mr . woodcourt again , whom he had always liked . richard proposed that we all should go to london together but mr . woodcourt , having to remain by his ship a little longer , could not join us . he dined with us , however , at an early hour , and became so much more like what he used to be that i was still more at peace to think i had been able to soften his regrets . yet his mind was not relieved of richard . when the coach was almost ready and richard ran down to look after his luggage , he spoke to me about him . i was not sure that i had a right to lay his whole story open , but i referred in a few words to his estrangement from mr jarndyce and to his being entangled in the ill fated chancery suit . mr . woodcourt listened with interest and expressed his regret . i saw you observe him rather closely , said i , do you think him so changed . he is changed , he returned , shaking his head . i felt the blood rush into my face for the first time , but it was only an instantaneous emotion . i turned my head aside , and it was gone . it is not , said mr . woodcourt , his being so much younger or older , or thinner or fatter , or paler or ruddier , as there being upon his face such a singular expression . i never saw so remarkable a look in a young person . one cannot say that it is all anxiety or all weariness yet it is both , and like ungrown despair . you do not think he is ill . said i . no . he looked robust in body . that he cannot be at peace in mind , we have too much reason to know , i proceeded . mr . woodcourt , you are going to london . to morrow or the next day . there is nothing richard wants so much as a friend . he always liked you . pray see him when you get there . pray help him sometimes with your companionship if you can . you do not know of what service it might be . you cannot think how ada , and mr . jarndyce , and even i  we should all thank you , mr . woodcourt . miss summerson , he said , more moved than he had been from the first , before heaven , i will be a true friend to him . i will accept him as a trust , and it shall be a sacred one . god bless you . said i , with my eyes filling fast but i thought they might , when it was not for myself . ada loves him  all love him , but ada loves him as we cannot . i will tell her what you say . thank you , and god bless you , in her name . richard came back as we finished exchanging these hurried words and gave me his arm to take me to the coach . woodcourt , he said , unconscious with what application , pray let us meet in london . meet . returned the other . i have scarcely a friend there now but you . where shall i find you . why , i must get a lodging of some sort , said richard , pondering . say at vholess , symonds inn . good . without loss of time . they shook hands heartily . when i was seated in the coach and richard was yet standing in the street , mr . woodcourt laid his friendly hand on richards shoulder and looked at me . i understood him and waved mine in thanks . and in his last look as we drove away , i saw that he was very sorry for me . i was glad to see it . i felt for my old self as the dead may feel if they ever revisit these scenes . i was glad to be tenderly remembered , to be gently pitied , not to be quite forgotten . chapter xlvi stop him . darkness rests upon tom all . dilating and dilating since the sun went down last night , it has gradually swelled until it fills every void in the place . for a time there were some dungeon lights burning , as the lamp of life hums in tom all , heavily , in the nauseous air , and winking  that lamp , too , winks in tom all many horrible things . but they are blotted out . the moon has eyed tom with a dull cold stare , as admitting some puny emulation of herself in his desert region unfit for life and blasted by volcanic fires but she has passed on and is gone . the blackest nightmare in the infernal stables grazes on tom all , and tom is fast asleep . much mighty speech making there has been , both in and out of parliament , concerning tom , and much wrathful disputation how tom shall be got right . whether he shall be put into the main road by constables , or by beadles , or by bell ringing, , or by force of figures , or by correct principles of taste , or by high church , or by low church , or by no church whether he shall be set to splitting trusses of polemical straws with the crooked knife of his mind or whether he shall be put to stone breaking instead . in the midst of which dust and noise there is but one thing perfectly clear , to wit , that tom only may and can , or shall and will , be reclaimed according to somebodys theory but nobodys practice . and in the hopeful meantime , tom goes to perdition head foremost in his old determined spirit . but he has his revenge . even the winds are his messengers , and they serve him in these hours of darkness . there is not a drop of toms corrupted blood but propagates infection and contagion somewhere . it shall pollute , this very night , the choice stream in which chemists on analysis would find the genuine nobility of a norman house , and his grace shall not be able to say nay to the infamous alliance . there is not an atom of toms slime , not a cubic inch of any pestilential gas in which he lives , not one obscenity or degradation about him , not an ignorance , not a wickedness , not a brutality of his committing , but shall work its retribution through every order of society up to the proudest of the proud and to the highest of the high . verily , what with tainting , plundering , and spoiling , tom has his revenge . it is a moot point whether tom all be uglier by day or by night , but on the argument that the more that is seen of it the more shocking it must be , and that no part of it left to the imagination is at all likely to be made so bad as the reality , day carries it . the day begins to break now and in truth it might be better for the national glory even that the sun should sometimes set upon the british dominions than that it should ever rise upon so vile a wonder as tom . a brown sunburnt gentleman , who appears in some inaptitude for sleep to be wandering abroad rather than counting the hours on a restless pillow , strolls hitherward at this quiet time . attracted by curiosity , he often pauses and looks about him , up and down the miserable by ways . nor is he merely curious , for in his bright dark eye there is compassionate interest and as he looks here and there , he seems to understand such wretchedness and to have studied it before . on the banks of the stagnant channel of mud which is the main street of tom all , nothing is to be seen but the crazy houses , shut up and silent . no waking creature save himself appears except in one direction , where he sees the solitary figure of a woman sitting on a door step . he walks that way . approaching , he observes that she has journeyed a long distance and is footsore and travel stained . she sits on the door step in the manner of one who is waiting , with her elbow on her knee and her head upon her hand . beside her is a canvas bag , or bundle , she has carried . she is dozing probably , for she gives no heed to his steps as he comes toward her . the broken footway is so narrow that when allan woodcourt comes to where the woman sits , he has to turn into the road to pass her . looking down at her face , his eye meets hers , and he stops . what is the matter . nothing , sir . cant you make them hear . do you want to be let in . im waiting till they get up at another house  lodging house here , the woman patiently returns . im waiting here because there will be sun here presently to warm me . i am afraid you are tired . i am sorry to see you sitting in the street . thank you , sir . it dont matter . a habit in him of speaking to the poor and of avoiding patronage or condescension or childishness which is the favourite device , many people deeming it quite a subtlety to talk to them like little spelling books has put him on good terms with the woman easily . let me look at your forehead , he says , bending down . i am a doctor . dont be afraid . i wouldnt hurt you for the world . he knows that by touching her with his skilful and accustomed hand he can soothe her yet more readily . she makes a slight objection , saying , its nothing but he has scarcely laid his fingers on the wounded place when she lifts it up to the light . aye . a bad bruise , and the skin sadly broken . this must be very sore . it do ache a little , sir , returns the woman with a started tear upon her cheek . let me try to make it more comfortable . my handkerchief wont hurt you . oh , dear no , sir , im sure of that . he cleanses the injured place and dries it , and having carefully examined it and gently pressed it with the palm of his hand , takes a small case from his pocket , dresses it , and binds it up . while he is thus employed , he says , after laughing at his establishing a surgery in the street , and so your husband is a brickmaker . how do you know that , sir . asks the woman , astonished . why , i suppose so from the colour of the clay upon your bag and on your dress . and i know brickmakers go about working at piecework in different places . and i am sorry to say i have known them cruel to their wives too . the woman hastily lifts up her eyes as if she would deny that her injury is referable to such a cause . but feeling the hand upon her forehead , and seeing his busy and composed face , she quietly drops them again . where is he now . asks the surgeon . he got into trouble last night , sir but hell look for me at the lodging house . he will get into worse trouble if he often misuses his large and heavy hand as he has misused it here . but you forgive him , brutal as he is , and i say no more of him , except that i wish he deserved it . you have no young child . the woman shakes her head . one as i calls mine , sir , but its lizs . your own is dead . i see . poor little thing . by this time he has finished and is putting up his case . i suppose you have some settled home . is it far from here . he asks , good humouredly making light of what he has done as she gets up and curtsys . its a good two or three and twenty mile from here , sir . at saint albans . you know saint albans , sir . i thought you gave a start like , as if you did . yes , i know something of it . and now i will ask you a question in return . have you money for your lodging . yes , sir , she says , really and truly . and she shows it . he tells her , in acknowledgment of her many subdued thanks , that she is very welcome , gives her good day , and walks away . tom all is still asleep , and nothing is astir . yes , something is . as he retraces his way to the point from which he descried the woman at a distance sitting on the step , he sees a ragged figure coming very cautiously along , crouching close to the soiled walls  the wretchedest figure might as well avoid  furtively thrusting a hand before it . it is the figure of a youth whose face is hollow and whose eyes have an emaciated glare . he is so intent on getting along unseen that even the apparition of a stranger in whole garments does not tempt him to look back . he shades his face with his ragged elbow as he passes on the other side of the way , and goes shrinking and creeping on with his anxious hand before him and his shapeless clothes hanging in shreds . clothes made for what purpose , or of what material , it would be impossible to say . they look , in colour and in substance , like a bundle of rank leaves of swampy growth that rotted long ago . allan woodcourt pauses to look after him and note all this , with a shadowy belief that he has seen the boy before . he cannot recall how or where , but there is some association in his mind with such a form . he imagines that he must have seen it in some hospital or refuge , still , cannot make out why it comes with any special force on his remembrance . he is gradually emerging from tom all in the morning light , thinking about it , when he hears running feet behind him , and looking round , sees the boy scouring towards him at great speed , followed by the woman . stop him , stop him . cries the woman , almost breathless . stop him , sir . he darts across the road into the boys path , but the boy is quicker than he , makes a curve , ducks , dives under his hands , comes up half a yards beyond him , and scours away again . still the woman follows , crying , stop him , sir , pray stop him . allan , not knowing but that he has just robbed her of her money , follows in chase and runs so hard that he runs the boy down a dozen times , but each time he repeats the curve , the duck , the dive , and scours away again . to strike at him on any of these occasions would be to fell and disable him , but the pursuer cannot resolve to do that , and so the grimly ridiculous pursuit continues . at last the fugitive , hard pressed, , takes to a narrow passage and a court which has no thoroughfare . here , against a hoarding of decaying timber , he is brought to bay and tumbles down , lying gasping at his pursuer , who stands and gasps at him until the woman comes up . oh , you , jo . cries the woman . what . i have found you at last . jo , repeats allan , looking at him with attention , jo . stay . to be sure . i recollect this lad some time ago being brought before the coroner . yes , i see you once afore at the inkwhich , whimpers jo . what of that . cant you never let such an unfortnet as me alone . ant i unfortnet enough for you yet . how unfortnet do you want me fur to be . ive been a chivied and a chivied, , fust by one on you and nixt by another on you , till im worritted to skins and bones . the inkwhich warnt my fault . i done nothink . he wos wery good to me , he wos he wos the only one i knowed to speak to , as ever come across my crossing . it aint wery likely i should want him to be inkwhiched . i only wish i wos , myself . i dont know why i dont go and make a hole in the water , im sure i dont . he says it with such a pitiable air , and his grimy tears appear so real , and he lies in the corner up against the hoarding so like a growth of fungus or any unwholesome excrescence produced there in neglect and impurity , that allan woodcourt is softened towards him . he says to the woman , miserable creature , what has he done . to which she only replies , shaking her head at the prostrate figure more amazedly than angrily , oh , you jo , you jo . i have found you at last . what has he done . says allan . has he robbed you . no , sir , no . robbed me . he did nothing but what was kind hearted by me , and thats the wonder of it . allan looks from jo to the woman , and from the woman to jo , waiting for one of them to unravel the riddle . but he was along with me , sir , says the woman . oh , you jo . he was along with me , sir , down at saint albans , ill , and a young lady , lord bless her for a good friend to me , took pity on him when i durstnt , and took him home  allan shrinks back from him with a sudden horror . yes , sir , yes . took him home , and made him comfortable , and like a thankless monster he ran away in the night and never has been seen or heard of since till i set eyes on him just now . and that young lady that was such a pretty dear caught his illness , lost her beautiful looks , and wouldnt hardly be known for the same young lady now if it wasnt for her angel temper , and her pretty shape , and her sweet voice . do you know it . you ungrateful wretch , do you know that this is all along of you and of her goodness to you . demands the woman , beginning to rage at him as she recalls it and breaking into passionate tears . the boy , in rough sort stunned by what he hears , falls to smearing his dirty forehead with his dirty palm , and to staring at the ground , and to shaking from head to foot until the crazy hoarding against which he leans rattles . allan restrains the woman , merely by a quiet gesture , but effectually . richard told me  he falters . i mean , i have heard of this  mind me for a moment , i will speak presently . he turns away and stands for a while looking out at the covered passage . when he comes back , he has recovered his composure , except that he contends against an avoidance of the boy , which is so very remarkable that it absorbs the womans attention . you hear what she says . but get up , get up . jo , shaking and chattering , slowly rises and stands , after the manner of his tribe in a difficulty , sideways against the hoarding , resting one of his high shoulders against it and covertly rubbing his right hand over his left and his left foot over his right . you hear what she says , and i know its true . have you been here ever since . wishermaydie if i seen tom all till this blessed morning , replies jo hoarsely . why have you come here now . jo looks all round the confined court , looks at his questioner no higher than the knees , and finally answers , i dont know how to do nothink , and i cant get nothink to do . im wery poor and ill , and i thought id come back here when there warnt nobody about , and lay down and hide somewheres as i knows on till arter dark , and then go and beg a trifle of mr . snagsby . he wos allus willin fur to give me somethink he wos , though mrs . snagsby she was allus a chivying on me  everybody everywheres . where have you come from . jo looks all round the court again , looks at his questioners knees again , and concludes by laying his profile against the hoarding in a sort of resignation . did you hear me ask you where you have come from . tramp then , says jo . now tell me , proceeds allan , making a strong effort to overcome his repugnance , going very near to him , and leaning over him with an expression of confidence , tell me how it came about that you left that house when the good young lady had been so unfortunate as to pity you and take you home . jo suddenly comes out of his resignation and excitedly declares , addressing the woman , that he never known about the young lady , that he never heern about it , that he never went fur to hurt her , that he would sooner have hurt his own self , that hed sooner have had his unfortnet ed chopped off than ever gone a nigh her , and that she wos wery good to him , she wos . conducting himself throughout as if in his poor fashion he really meant it , and winding up with some very miserable sobs . allan woodcourt sees that this is not a sham . he constrains himself to touch him . come , jo . tell me . no . i dustnt , says jo , relapsing into the profile state . i dustnt , or i would . but i must know , returns the other , all the same . come , jo . after two or three such adjurations , jo lifts up his head again , looks round the court again , and says in a low voice , well , ill tell you something . i was took away . there . took away . in the night . ah . very apprehensive of being overheard , jo looks about him and even glances up some ten feet at the top of the hoarding and through the cracks in it lest the object of his distrust should be looking over or hidden on the other side . who took you away . i dustnt name him , says jo . i dustnt do it , sir . but i want , in the young ladys name , to know . you may trust me . no one else shall hear . ah , but i dont know , replies jo , shaking his head fearfully , as he dont hear . why , he is not in this place . oh , aint he though . says jo . hes in all manner of places , all at wanst . allan looks at him in perplexity , but discovers some real meaning and good faith at the bottom of this bewildering reply . he patiently awaits an explicit answer and jo , more baffled by his patience than by anything else , at last desperately whispers a name in his ear . aye . says allan . why , what had you been doing . nothink , sir . never done nothink to get myself into no trouble , sept in not moving on and the inkwhich . but im a moving on now . im a moving on to the berryin ground  the move as im up to . no , we will try to prevent that . but what did he do with you . put me in a horsepittle , replied jo , whispering , till i was discharged , then giv me a little money  half bulls, , wot you may call half crowns ses hook it . nobody wants you here , he ses . you hook it . you go and tramp , he ses . you move on , he ses . dont let me ever see you nowheres within forty mile of london , or youll repent it . so i shall , if ever he doos see me , and hell see me if im above ground , concludes jo , nervously repeating all his former precautions and investigations . allan considers a little , then remarks , turning to the woman but keeping an encouraging eye on jo , he is not so ungrateful as you supposed . he had a reason for going away , though it was an insufficient one . thankee , sir , thankee . exclaims jo . there now . see how hard you wos upon me . but ony you tell the young lady wot the genlmn ses , and its all right . for you wos wery good to me too , and i knows it . now , jo , says allan , keeping his eye upon him , come with me and i will find you a better place than this to lie down and hide in . if i take one side of the way and you the other to avoid observation , you will not run away , i know very well , if you make me a promise . i wont , not unless i wos to see him a coming, , sir . very well . i take your word . half the town is getting up by this time , and the whole town will be broad awake in another hour . come along . good day again , my good woman . good day again , sir , and i thank you kindly many times again . she has been sitting on her bag , deeply attentive , and now rises and takes it up . jo , repeating , ony you tell the young lady as i never went fur to hurt her and wot the genlmn ses . nods and shambles and shivers , and smears and blinks , and half laughs and half cries , a farewell to her , and takes his creeping way along after allan woodcourt , close to the houses on the opposite side of the street . in this order , the two come up out of tom all into the broad rays of the sunlight and the purer air . chapter xlvii jos will as allan woodcourt and jo proceed along the streets where the high church spires and the distances are so near and clear in the morning light that the city itself seems renewed by rest , allan revolves in his mind how and where he shall bestow his companion . it surely is a strange fact , he considers , that in the heart of a civilized world this creature in human form should be more difficult to dispose of than an unowned dog . but it is none the less a fact because of its strangeness , and the difficulty remains . at first he looks behind him often to assure himself that jo is still really following . but look where he will , he still beholds him close to the opposite houses , making his way with his wary hand from brick to brick and from door to door , and often , as he creeps along , glancing over at him watchfully . soon satisfied that the last thing in his thoughts is to give him the slip , allan goes on , considering with a less divided attention what he shall do . a breakfast stall at a street corner suggests the first thing to be done . he stops there , looks round , and beckons jo . jo crosses and comes halting and shuffling up , slowly scooping the knuckles of his right hand round and round in the hollowed palm of his left , kneading dirt with a natural pestle and mortar . what is a dainty repast to jo is then set before him , and he begins to gulp the coffee and to gnaw the bread and butter , looking anxiously about him in all directions as he eats and drinks , like a scared animal . but he is so sick and miserable that even hunger has abandoned him . i thought i was amost a starvin, , sir , says jo , soon putting down his food , but i dont know nothink  even that . i dont care for eating wittles nor yet for drinking on em . and jo stands shivering and looking at the breakfast wonderingly . allan woodcourt lays his hand upon his pulse and on his chest . draw breath , jo . it draws , says jo , as heavy as a cart . he might add , and rattles like it , but he only mutters , im a moving on , sir . allan looks about for an apothecarys shop . there is none at hand , but a tavern does as well or better . he obtains a little measure of wine and gives the lad a portion of it very carefully . he begins to revive almost as soon as it passes his lips . we may repeat that dose , jo , observes allan after watching him with his attentive face . so . now we will take five minutes rest , and then go on again . leaving the boy sitting on the bench of the breakfast stall, , with his back against an iron railing , allan woodcourt paces up and down in the early sunshine , casting an occasional look towards him without appearing to watch him . it requires no discernment to perceive that he is warmed and refreshed . if a face so shaded can brighten , his face brightens somewhat and by little and little he eats the slice of bread he had so hopelessly laid down . observant of these signs of improvement , allan engages him in conversation and elicits to his no small wonder the adventure of the lady in the veil , with all its consequences . jo slowly munches as he slowly tells it . when he has finished his story and his bread , they go on again . intending to refer his difficulty in finding a temporary place of refuge for the boy to his old patient , zealous little miss flite , allan leads the way to the court where he and jo first foregathered . but all is changed at the rag and bottle shop miss flite no longer lodges there it is shut up and a hard featured female , much obscured by dust , whose age is a problem , but who is indeed no other than the interesting judy , is tart and spare in her replies . these sufficing , however , to inform the visitor that miss flite and her birds are domiciled with a mrs . blinder , in bell yard , he repairs to that neighbouring place , where miss flite who rises early that she may be punctual at the divan of justice held by her excellent friend the chancellor comes running downstairs with tears of welcome and with open arms . my dear physician . cries miss flite . my meritorious , distinguished , honourable officer . she uses some odd expressions , but is as cordial and full of heart as sanity itself can be  so than it often is . allan , very patient with her , waits until she has no more raptures to express , then points out jo , trembling in a doorway , and tells her how he comes there . where can i lodge him hereabouts for the present . now , you have a fund of knowledge and good sense and can advise me . miss flite , mighty proud of the compliment , sets herself to consider but it is long before a bright thought occurs to her . mrs . blinder is entirely let , and she herself occupies poor gridleys room . gridley . exclaims miss flite , clapping her hands after a twentieth repetition of this remark . gridley . to be sure . of course . my dear physician . general george will help us out . it is hopeless to ask for any information about general george , and would be , though miss flite had not already run upstairs to put on her pinched bonnet and her poor little shawl and to arm herself with her reticule of documents . but as she informs her physician in her disjointed manner on coming down in full array that general george , whom she often calls upon , knows her dear fitz jarndyce and takes a great interest in all connected with her , allan is induced to think that they may be in the right way . so he tells jo , for his encouragement , that this walking about will soon be over now and they repair to the generals . fortunately it is not far . from the exterior of georges shooting gallery , and the long entry , and the bare perspective beyond it , allan woodcourt augurs well . he also descries promise in the figure of mr . george himself , striding towards them in his morning exercise with his pipe in his mouth , no stock on , and his muscular arms , developed by broadsword and dumbbell , weightily asserting themselves through his light shirt sleeves . your servant , sir , says mr . george with a military salute . good humouredly smiling all over his broad forehead up into his crisp hair , he then defers to miss flite , as , with great stateliness , and at some length , she performs the courtly ceremony of presentation . he winds it up with another your servant , sir . and another salute . excuse me , sir . a sailor , i believe . says mr . george . i am proud to find i have the air of one , returns allan but i am only a sea going doctor . indeed , sir . i should have thought you was a regular blue jacket myself . allan hopes mr . george will forgive his intrusion the more readily on that account , and particularly that he will not lay aside his pipe , which , in his politeness , he has testified some intention of doing . you are very good , sir , returns the trooper . as i know by experience that its not disagreeable to miss flite , and since its equally agreeable to yourself  and finishes the sentence by putting it between his lips again . allan proceeds to tell him all he knows about jo , unto which the trooper listens with a grave face . and thats the lad , sir , is it . he inquires , looking along the entry to where jo stands staring up at the great letters on the whitewashed front , which have no meaning in his eyes . thats he , says allan . and , mr . george , i am in this difficulty about him . i am unwilling to place him in a hospital , even if i could procure him immediate admission , because i foresee that he would not stay there many hours if he could be so much as got there . the same objection applies to a workhouse , supposing i had the patience to be evaded and shirked , and handed about from post to pillar in trying to get him into one , which is a system that i dont take kindly to . no man does , sir , returns mr . george . i am convinced that he would not remain in either place , because he is possessed by an extraordinary terror of this person who ordered him to keep out of the way in his ignorance , he believes this person to be everywhere , and cognizant of everything . i ask your pardon , sir , says mr . george . but you have not mentioned that partys name . is it a secret , sir . the boy makes it one . but his name is bucket . bucket the detective , sir . the same man . the man is known to me , sir , returns the trooper after blowing out a cloud of smoke and squaring his chest , and the boy is so far correct that he undoubtedly is a  customer . mr . george smokes with a profound meaning after this and surveys miss flite in silence . now , i wish mr . jarndyce and miss summerson at least to know that this jo , who tells so strange a story , has reappeared , and to have it in their power to speak with him if they should desire to do so . therefore i want to get him , for the present moment , into any poor lodging kept by decent people where he would be admitted . decent people and jo , mr . george , says allan , following the direction of the troopers eyes along the entry , have not been much acquainted , as you see . hence the difficulty . do you happen to know any one in this neighbourhood who would receive him for a while on my paying for him beforehand . as he puts the question , he becomes aware of a dirty faced little man standing at the troopers elbow and looking up , with an oddly twisted figure and countenance , into the troopers face . after a few more puffs at his pipe , the trooper looks down askant at the little man , and the little man winks up at the trooper . well , sir , says mr . george , i can assure you that i would willingly be knocked on the head at any time if it would be at all agreeable to miss summerson , and consequently i esteem it a privilege to do that young lady any service , however small . we are naturally in the vagabond way here , sir , both myself and phil . you see what the place is . you are welcome to a quiet corner of it for the boy if the same would meet your views . no charge made , except for rations . we are not in a flourishing state of circumstances here , sir . we are liable to be tumbled out neck and crop at a moments notice . however , sir , such as the place is , and so long as it lasts , here it is at your service . with a comprehensive wave of his pipe , mr . george places the whole building at his visitors disposal . i take it for granted , sir , he adds , you being one of the medical staff , that there is no present infection about this unfortunate subject . allan is quite sure of it . because , sir , says mr . george , shaking his head sorrowfully , we have had enough of that . his tone is no less sorrowfully echoed by his new acquaintance . still i am bound to tell you , observes allan after repeating his former assurance , that the boy is deplorably low and reduced and that he may be  do not say that he is  far gone to recover . do you consider him in present danger , sir . inquires the trooper . yes , i fear so . then , sir , returns the trooper in a decisive manner , it appears to me  naturally in the vagabond way myself  the sooner he comes out of the street , the better . you , phil . bring him in . mr . squod tacks out , all on one side , to execute the word of command and the trooper , having smoked his pipe , lays it by . jo is brought in . he is not one of mrs . pardiggles tockahoopo indians he is not one of mrs . jellybys lambs , being wholly unconnected with borrioboola gha he is not softened by distance and unfamiliarity he is not a genuine foreign grown savage he is the ordinary home made article . dirty , ugly , disagreeable to all the senses , in body a common creature of the common streets , only in soul a heathen . homely filth begrimes him , homely parasites devour him , homely sores are in him , homely rags are on him native ignorance , the growth of english soil and climate , sinks his immortal nature lower than the beasts that perish . stand forth , jo , in uncompromising colours . from the sole of thy foot to the crown of thy head , there is nothing interesting about thee . he shuffles slowly into mr . georges gallery and stands huddled together in a bundle , looking all about the floor . he seems to know that they have an inclination to shrink from him , partly for what he is and partly for what he has caused . he , too , shrinks from them . he is not of the same order of things , not of the same place in creation . he is of no order and no place , neither of the beasts nor of humanity . look here , jo . says allan . this is mr . george . jo searches the floor for some time longer , then looks up for a moment , and then down again . he is a kind friend to you , for he is going to give you lodging room here . jo makes a scoop with one hand , which is supposed to be a bow . after a little more consideration and some backing and changing of the foot on which he rests , he mutters that he is wery thankful . you are quite safe here . all you have to do at present is to be obedient and to get strong . and mind you tell us the truth here , whatever you do , jo . wishermaydie if i dont , sir , says jo , reverting to his favourite declaration . i never done nothink yit , but wot you knows on , to get myself into no trouble . i never was in no other trouble at all , sir , sept not knowin nothink and starwation . i believe it , now attend to mr . george . i see he is going to speak to you . my intention merely was , sir , observes mr . george , amazingly broad and upright , to point out to him where he can lie down and get a thorough good dose of sleep . now , look here . as the trooper speaks , he conducts them to the other end of the gallery and opens one of the little cabins . there you are , you see . here is a mattress , and here you may rest , on good behaviour , as long as mr . i ask your pardon , sir  refers apologetically to the card allan has given him  . woodcourt pleases . dont you be alarmed if you hear shots theyll be aimed at the target , and not you . now , theres another thing i would recommend , sir , says the trooper , turning to his visitor . phil , come here . phil bears down upon them according to his usual tactics . here is a man , sir , who was found , when a baby , in the gutter . consequently , it is to be expected that he takes a natural interest in this poor creature . you do , dont you , phil . certainly and surely i do , guvner , is phils reply . now i was thinking , sir , says mr . george in a martial sort of confidence , as if he were giving his opinion in a council of war at a drum head, , that if this man was to take him to a bath and was to lay out a few shillings in getting him one or two coarse articles  mr . george , my considerate friend , returns allan , taking out his purse , it is the very favour i would have asked . phil squod and jo are sent out immediately on this work of improvement . miss flite , quite enraptured by her success , makes the best of her way to court , having great fears that otherwise her friend the chancellor may be uneasy about her or may give the judgment she has so long expected in her absence , and observing which you know , my dear physician , and general , after so many years , would be too absurdly unfortunate . allan takes the opportunity of going out to procure some restorative medicines , and obtaining them near at hand , soon returns to find the trooper walking up and down the gallery , and to fall into step and walk with him . i take it , sir , says mr . george , that you know miss summerson pretty well . yes , it appears . not related to her , sir . no , it appears . excuse the apparent curiosity , says mr . george . it seemed to me probable that you might take more than a common interest in this poor creature because miss summerson had taken that unfortunate interest in him . tis my case , sir , i assure you . and mine , mr . george . the trooper looks sideways at allans sunburnt cheek and bright dark eye , rapidly measures his height and build , and seems to approve of him . since you have been out , sir , i have been thinking that i unquestionably know the rooms in lincolns inn fields , where bucket took the lad , according to his account . though he is not acquainted with the name , i can help you to it . its tulkinghorn . thats what it is . allan looks at him inquiringly , repeating the name . tulkinghorn . thats the name , sir . i know the man , and know him to have been in communication with bucket before , respecting a deceased person who had given him offence . i know the man , sir . to my sorrow . allan naturally asks what kind of man he is . what kind of man . do you mean to look at . i think i know that much of him . i mean to deal with . generally , what kind of man . why , then ill tell you , sir , returns the trooper , stopping short and folding his arms on his square chest so angrily that his face fires and flushes all over he is a confoundedly bad kind of man . he is a slow torturing kind of man . he is no more like flesh and blood than a rusty old carbine is . he is a kind of man  george . has caused me more restlessness , and more uneasiness , and more dissatisfaction with myself than all other men put together . thats the kind of man mr . tulkinghorn is . i am sorry , says allan , to have touched so sore a place . sore . the trooper plants his legs wider apart , wets the palm of his broad right hand , and lays it on the imaginary moustache . its no fault of yours , sir but you shall judge . he has got a power over me . he is the man i spoke of just now as being able to tumble me out of this place neck and crop . he keeps me on a constant see saw . he wont hold off , and he wont come on . if i have a payment to make him , or time to ask him for , or anything to go to him about , he dont see me , dont hear me  on to melchisedechs in cliffords inn , melchisedechs in cliffords inn passes me back again to him  keeps me prowling and dangling about him as if i was made of the same stone as himself . why , i spend half my life now , pretty well , loitering and dodging about his door . what does he care . nothing . just as much as the rusty old carbine i have compared him to . he chafes and goads me till  . nonsense . i am forgetting myself . mr . woodcourt , the trooper resumes his march , all i say is , he is an old man but i am glad i shall never have the chance of setting spurs to my horse and riding at him in a fair field . for if i had that chance , in one of the humours he drives me into  go down , sir . mr . george has been so excited that he finds it necessary to wipe his forehead on his shirt sleeve . even while he whistles his impetuosity away with the national anthem , some involuntary shakings of his head and heavings of his chest still linger behind , not to mention an occasional hasty adjustment with both hands of his open shirt collar, , as if it were scarcely open enough to prevent his being troubled by a choking sensation . in short , allan woodcourt has not much doubt about the going down of mr . tulkinghorn on the field referred to . jo and his conductor presently return , and jo is assisted to his mattress by the careful phil , to whom , after due administration of medicine by his own hands , allan confides all needful means and instructions . the morning is by this time getting on apace . he repairs to his lodgings to dress and breakfast , and then , without seeking rest , goes away to mr . jarndyce to communicate his discovery . with him mr . jarndyce returns alone , confidentially telling him that there are reasons for keeping this matter very quiet indeed and showing a serious interest in it . to mr . jarndyce , jo repeats in substance what he said in the morning , without any material variation . only that cart of his is heavier to draw , and draws with a hollower sound . let me lay here quiet and not be chivied no more , falters jo , and be so kind any person as is a passin nigh where i used fur to sleep , as jist to say to mr . sangsby that jo , wot he known once , is a moving on right forards with his duty , and ill be wery thankful . id be more thankful than i am aready if it wos any ways possible for an unfortnet to be it . he makes so many of these references to the law stationer in the course of a day or two that allan , after conferring with mr . jarndyce , good naturedly resolves to call in cooks court , the rather , as the cart seems to be breaking down . to cooks court , therefore , he repairs . mr . snagsby is behind his counter in his grey coat and sleeves , inspecting an indenture of several skins which has just come in from the engrossers , an immense desert of law hand and parchment , with here and there a resting place of a few large letters to break the awful monotony and save the traveller from despair . mr snagsby puts up at one of these inky wells and greets the stranger with his cough of general preparation for business . you dont remember me , mr . snagsby . the stationers heart begins to thump heavily , for his old apprehensions have never abated . it is as much as he can do to answer , no , sir , i cant say i do . i should have considered  to put too fine a point upon it  i never saw you before , sir . twice before , says allan woodcourt . once at a poor bedside , and once  its come at last . thinks the afflicted stationer , as recollection breaks upon him . its got to a head now and is going to burst . but he has sufficient presence of mind to conduct his visitor into the little counting house and to shut the door . are you a married man , sir . no , i am not . would you make the attempt , though single , says mr . snagsby in a melancholy whisper , to speak as low as you can . for my little woman is a listening somewheres , or ill forfeit the business and five hundred pound . in deep dejection mr . snagsby sits down on his stool , with his back against his desk , protesting , i never had a secret of my own , sir . i cant charge my memory with ever having once attempted to deceive my little woman on my own account since she named the day . i wouldnt have done it , sir . not to put too fine a point upon it , i couldnt have done it , i dursnt have done it . whereas , and nevertheless , i find myself wrapped round with secrecy and mystery , till my life is a burden to me . his visitor professes his regret to hear it and asks him does he remember jo . mr . snagsby answers with a suppressed groan , oh , dont he . you couldnt name an individual human being  myself  my little woman is more set and determined against than jo , says mr . snagsby . allan asks why . why . repeats mr . snagsby , in his desperation clutching at the clump of hair at the back of his bald head . how should i know why . but you are a single person , sir , and may you long be spared to ask a married person such a question . with this beneficent wish , mr . snagsby coughs a cough of dismal resignation and submits himself to hear what the visitor has to communicate . there again . says mr . snagsby , who , between the earnestness of his feelings and the suppressed tones of his voice is discoloured in the face . at it again , in a new direction . a certain person charges me , in the solemnest way , not to talk of jo to any one , even my little woman . then comes another certain person , in the person of yourself , and charges me , in an equally solemn way , not to mention jo to that other certain person above all other persons . why , this is a private asylum . why , not to put too fine a point upon it , this is bedlam , sir . says mr . snagsby . but it is better than he expected after all , being no explosion of the mine below him or deepening of the pit into which he has fallen . and being tender hearted and affected by the account he hears of jos condition , he readily engages to look round as early in the evening as he can manage it quietly . he looks round very quietly when the evening comes , but it may turn out that mrs . snagsby is as quiet a manager as he . jo is very glad to see his old friend and says , when they are left alone , that he takes it uncommon kind as mr . sangsby should come so far out of his way on accounts of sich as him . mr . snagsby , touched by the spectacle before him , immediately lays upon the table half a crown , that magic balsam of his for all kinds of wounds . and how do you find yourself , my poor lad . inquires the stationer with his cough of sympathy . i am in luck , mr . sangsby , i am , returns jo , and dont want for nothink . im more cumfbler nor you cant think . mr . sangsby . im wery sorry that i done it , but i didnt go fur to do it , sir . the stationer softly lays down another half crown and asks him what it is that he is sorry for having done . mr . sangsby , says jo , i went and giv a illness to the lady as wos and yit as warnt the tother lady , and none of em never says nothink to me for having done it , on accounts of their being ser good and my having been sunfortnet . the lady come herself and see me yesday , and she ses , ah , jo . she ses . we thought wed lost you , jo . she ses . and she sits down a smilin so quiet , and dont pass a word nor yit a look upon me for having done it , she dont , and i turns agin the wall , i doos , mr . sangsby . and mr . jarnders , i see him a forced to turn away his own self . and mr . woodcot , he come fur to giv me somethink fur to ease me , wot hes allus a doin on day and night , and wen he come a bending over me and a speakin up so bold , i see his tears a fallin, , mr . sangsby . the softened stationer deposits another half crown on the table . nothing less than a repetition of that infallible remedy will relieve his feelings . wot i was a thinkin on , mr . sangsby , proceeds jo , wos , as you wos able to write wery large , praps . yes , jo , please god , returns the stationer . uncommon precious large , praps . says jo with eagerness . yes , my poor boy . jo laughs with pleasure . wot i wos a thinking on then , mr . sangsby , wos , that when i wos moved on as fur as ever i could go and couldnt be moved no furder , whether you might be so good praps as to write out , wery large so that any one could see it anywheres , as that i wos wery truly hearty sorry that i done it and that i never went fur to do it , and that though i didnt know nothink at all , i knowd as mr . woodcot once cried over it and wos allus grieved over it , and that i hoped as hed be able to forgive me in his mind . if the writin could be made to say it wery large , he might . it shall say it , jo . very large . jo laughs again . thankee , mr . sangsby . its wery kind of you , sir , and it makes me more cumfbler nor i was afore . the meek little stationer , with a broken and unfinished cough , slips down his fourth half crown has never been so close to a case requiring so many  is fain to depart . and jo and he , upon this little earth , shall meet no more . no more . for the cart so hard to draw is near its journeys end and drags over stony ground . all round the clock it labours up the broken steps , shattered and worn . not many times can the sun rise and behold it still upon its weary road . phil squod , with his smoky gunpowder visage , at once acts as nurse and works as armourer at his little table in a corner , often looking round and saying with a nod of his green baize cap and an encouraging elevation of his one eyebrow , hold up , my boy . hold up . there , too , is mr . jarndyce many a time , and allan woodcourt almost always , both thinking , much , how strangely fate has entangled this rough outcast in the web of very different lives . there , too , the trooper is a frequent visitor , filling the doorway with his athletic figure and , from his superfluity of life and strength , seeming to shed down temporary vigour upon jo , who never fails to speak more robustly in answer to his cheerful words . jo is in a sleep or in a stupor to day, , and allan woodcourt , newly arrived , stands by him , looking down upon his wasted form . after a while he softly seats himself upon the bedside with his face towards him  as he sat in the law writers room  touches his chest and heart . the cart had very nearly given up , but labours on a little more . the trooper stands in the doorway , still and silent . phil has stopped in a low clinking noise , with his little hammer in his hand . mr . woodcourt looks round with that grave professional interest and attention on his face , and glancing significantly at the trooper , signs to phil to carry his table out . when the little hammer is next used , there will be a speck of rust upon it . well , jo . what is the matter . dont be frightened . i thought , says jo , who has started and is looking round , i thought i was in tom all agin . aint there nobody here but you , mr . woodcot . nobody . and i aint took back to tom all . am i , sir . no . jo closes his eyes , muttering , im wery thankful . after watching him closely a little while , allan puts his mouth very near his ear and says to him in a low , distinct voice , jo . did you ever know a prayer . never knowd nothink , sir . not so much as one short prayer . no , sir . nothink at all . mr . chadbands he wos a prayin wunst at mr . sangsbys and i heerd him , but he sounded as if he wos a speakin to hisself , and not to me . he prayed a lot , but i couldnt make out nothink on it . different times there was other genlmen come down tom all a prayin, , but they all mostly sed as the tother wuns prayed wrong , and all mostly sounded to be a talking to theirselves , or a passing blame on the tothers , and not a talkin to us . we never knowd nothink . i never knowd what it wos all about . it takes him a long time to say this , and few but an experienced and attentive listener could hear , or , hearing , understand him . after a short relapse into sleep or stupor , he makes , of a sudden , a strong effort to get out of bed . stay , jo . what now . its time for me to go to that there berryin ground , sir , he returns with a wild look . lie down , and tell me . what burying ground , jo . where they laid him as wos wery good to me , wery good to me indeed , he wos . its time fur me to go down to that there berryin ground , sir , and ask to be put along with him . i wants to go there and be berried . he used fur to say to me , i am as poor as you to day, , jo , he ses . i wants to tell him that i am as poor as him now and have come there to be laid along with him . by and by , jo . by and by . ah . praps they wouldnt do it if i wos to go myself . but will you promise to have me took there , sir , and laid along with him . i will , indeed . thankee , sir . thankee , sir . theyll have to get the key of the gate afore they can take me in , for its allus locked . and theres a step there , as i used for to clean with my broom . its turned wery dark , sir . is there any light a comin . it is coming fast , jo . fast . the cart is shaken all to pieces , and the rugged road is very near its end . jo , my poor fellow . i hear you , sir , in the dark , but im a gropin me catch hold of your hand . jo , can you say what i say . ill say anythink as you say , sir , for i knows its good . our father . our father . yes , thats wery good , sir . which art in heaven . art in heaven  the light a comin, , sir . it is close at hand . hallowed be thy name . hallowed be  the light is come upon the dark benighted way . dead . dead , your majesty . dead , my lords and gentlemen . dead , right reverends and wrong reverends of every order . dead , men and women , born with heavenly compassion in your hearts . and dying thus around us every day . chapter xlviii closing in the place in lincolnshire has shut its many eyes again , and the house in town is awake . in lincolnshire the dedlocks of the past doze in their picture frames, , and the low wind murmurs through the long drawing room as if they were breathing pretty regularly . in town the dedlocks of the present rattle in their fire eyed carriages through the darkness of the night , and the dedlock mercuries , with ashes or hair powder on their heads , symptomatic of their great humility , loll away the drowsy mornings in the little windows of the hall . the fashionable world  orb , nearly five miles round  in full swing , and the solar system works respectfully at its appointed distances . where the throng is thickest , where the lights are brightest , where all the senses are ministered to with the greatest delicacy and refinement , lady dedlock is . from the shining heights she has scaled and taken , she is never absent . though the belief she of old reposed in herself as one able to reserve whatsoever she would under her mantle of pride is beaten down , though she has no assurance that what she is to those around her she will remain another day , it is not in her nature when envious eyes are looking on to yield or to droop . they say of her that she has lately grown more handsome and more haughty . the debilitated cousin says of her that shes beauty nough  shopofwomen  rather larming kind  woman  will getoutofbedandbawthstahlishment  . mr . tulkinghorn says nothing , looks nothing . now , as heretofore , he is to be found in doorways of rooms , with his limp white cravat loosely twisted into its old fashioned tie , receiving patronage from the peerage and making no sign . of all men he is still the last who might be supposed to have any influence upon my lady . of all women she is still the last who might be supposed to have any dread of him . one thing has been much on her mind since their late interview in his turret room at chesney wold . she is now decided , and prepared to throw it off . it is morning in the great world , afternoon according to the little sun . the mercuries , exhausted by looking out of window , are reposing in the hall and hang their heavy heads , the gorgeous creatures , like overblown sunflowers . like them , too , they seem to run to a deal of seed in their tags and trimmings . sir leicester , in the library , has fallen asleep for the good of the country over the report of a parliamentary committee . my lady sits in the room in which she gave audience to the young man of the name of guppy . rosa is with her and has been writing for her and reading to her . rosa is now at work upon embroidery or some such pretty thing , and as she bends her head over it , my lady watches her in silence . not for the first time to day . rosa . the pretty village face looks brightly up . then , seeing how serious my lady is , looks puzzled and surprised . see to the door . is it shut . yes . she goes to it and returns , and looks yet more surprised . i am about to place confidence in you , child , for i know i may trust your attachment , if not your judgment . in what i am going to do , i will not disguise myself to you at least . but i confide in you . say nothing to any one of what passes between us . the timid little beauty promises in all earnestness to be trustworthy . do you know , lady dedlock asks her , signing to her to bring her chair nearer , do you know , rosa , that i am different to you from what i am to any one . yes , my lady . much kinder . but then i often think i know you as you really are . you often think you know me as i really am . poor child , poor child . she says it with a kind of scorn  not of rosa  sits brooding , looking dreamily at her . do you think , rosa , you are any relief or comfort to me . do you suppose your being young and natural , and fond of me and grateful to me , makes it any pleasure to me to have you near me . i dont know , my lady i can scarcely hope so . but with all my heart , i wish it was so . it is so , little one . the pretty face is checked in its flush of pleasure by the dark expression on the handsome face before it . it looks timidly for an explanation . and if i were to say to day, , go . leave me . i should say what would give me great pain and disquiet , child , and what would leave me very solitary . my lady . have i offended you . in nothing . come here . rosa bends down on the footstool at my ladys feet . my lady , with that motherly touch of the famous ironmaster night , lays her hand upon her dark hair and gently keeps it there . i told you , rosa , that i wished you to be happy and that i would make you so if i could make anybody happy on this earth . i cannot . there are reasons now known to me , reasons in which you have no part , rendering it far better for you that you should not remain here . you must not remain here . i have determined that you shall not . i have written to the father of your lover , and he will be here to day . all this i have done for your sake . the weeping girl covers her hand with kisses and says what shall she do , what shall she do , when they are separated . her mistress kisses her on the cheek and makes no other answer . now , be happy , child , under better circumstances . be beloved and happy . ah , my lady , i have sometimes thought  my being so free  you are not happy . i . will you be more so when you have sent me away . pray , think again . let me stay a little while . i have said , my child , that what i do , i do for your sake , not my own . it is done . what i am towards you , rosa , is what i am now  what i shall be a little while hence . remember this , and keep my confidence . do so much for my sake , and thus all ends between us . she detaches herself from her simple hearted companion and leaves the room . late in the afternoon , when she next appears upon the staircase , she is in her haughtiest and coldest state . as indifferent as if all passion , feeling , and interest had been worn out in the earlier ages of the world and had perished from its surface with its other departed monsters . mercury has announced mr . rouncewell , which is the cause of her appearance . mr . rouncewell is not in the library , but she repairs to the library . sir leicester is there , and she wishes to speak to him first . sir leicester , i am desirous  you are engaged . oh , dear no . not at all . only mr . tulkinghorn . always at hand . haunting every place . no relief or security from him for a moment . i beg your pardon , lady dedlock . will you allow me to retire . with a look that plainly says , you know you have the power to remain if you will , she tells him it is not necessary and moves towards a chair . mr . tulkinghorn brings it a little forward for her with his clumsy bow and retires into a window opposite . interposed between her and the fading light of day in the now quiet street , his shadow falls upon her , and he darkens all before her . even so does he darken her life . it is a dull street under the best conditions , where the two long rows of houses stare at each other with that severity that half a of its greatest mansions seem to have been slowly stared into stone rather than originally built in that material . it is a street of such dismal grandeur , so determined not to condescend to liveliness , that the doors and windows hold a gloomy state of their own in black paint and dust , and the echoing mews behind have a dry and massive appearance , as if they were reserved to stable the stone chargers of noble statues . complicated garnish of iron work entwines itself over the flights of steps in this awful street , and from these petrified bowers , extinguishers for obsolete flambeaux gasp at the upstart gas . here and there a weak little iron hoop , through which bold boys aspire to throw their friends caps retains its place among the rusty foliage , sacred to the memory of departed oil . nay , even oil itself , yet lingering at long intervals in a little absurd glass pot , with a knob in the bottom like an oyster , blinks and sulks at newer lights every night , like its high and dry master in the house of lords . therefore there is not much that lady dedlock , seated in her chair , could wish to see through the window in which mr . tulkinghorn stands . and yet  sends a look in that direction as if it were her hearts desire to have that figure moved out of the way . sir leicester begs his ladys pardon . she was about to say . only that mr . rouncewell is here and that we had better make an end of the question of that girl . i am tired to death of the matter . what can i do  . demands sir leicester in some considerable doubt . let us see him here and have done with it . will you tell them to send him up . mr . tulkinghorn , be so good as to ring . thank you . request , says sir leicester to mercury , not immediately remembering the business term , request the iron gentleman to walk this way . mercury departs in search of the iron gentleman , finds , and produces him . sir leicester receives that ferruginous person graciously . i hope you are well , mr . rouncewell . be seated . my solicitor , mr . tulkinghorn . my lady was desirous , mr . rouncewell , sir leicester skilfully transfers him with a solemn wave of his hand , was desirous to speak with you . hem . i shall be very happy , returns the iron gentleman , to give my best attention to anything lady dedlock does me the honour to say . as he turns towards her , he finds that the impression she makes upon him is less agreeable than on the former occasion . a distant supercilious air makes a cold atmosphere about her , and there is nothing in her bearing , as there was before , to encourage openness . pray , sir , says lady dedlock listlessly , may i be allowed to inquire whether anything has passed between you and your son respecting your sons fancy . it is almost too troublesome to her languid eyes to bestow a look upon him as she asks this question . if my memory serves me , lady dedlock , i said , when i had the pleasure of seeing you before , that i should seriously advise my son to conquer that  . the ironmaster repeats her expression with a little emphasis . and did you . oh . of course i did . sir leicester gives a nod , approving and confirmatory . very proper . the iron gentleman , having said that he would do it , was bound to do it . no difference in this respect between the base metals and the precious . highly proper . and pray has he done so . really , lady dedlock , i cannot make you a definite reply . i fear not . probably not yet . in our condition of life , we sometimes couple an intention with our  fancies which renders them not altogether easy to throw off . i think it is rather our way to be in earnest . sir leicester has a misgiving that there may be a hidden wat tylerish meaning in this expression , and fumes a little . mr . rouncewell is perfectly good humoured and polite , but within such limits , evidently adapts his tone to his reception . because , proceeds my lady , i have been thinking of the subject , which is tiresome to me . i am very sorry , i am sure . and also of what sir leicester said upon it , in which i quite concur  leicester flattered  if you cannot give us the assurance that this fancy is at an end , i have come to the conclusion that the girl had better leave me . i can give no such assurance , lady dedlock . nothing of the kind . then she had better go . excuse me , my lady , sir leicester considerately interposes , but perhaps this may be doing an injury to the young woman which she has not merited . here is a young woman , says sir leicester , magnificently laying out the matter with his right hand like a service of plate , whose good fortune it is to have attracted the notice and favour of an eminent lady and to live , under the protection of that eminent lady , surrounded by the various advantages which such a position confers , and which are unquestionably very great  believe unquestionably very great , sir  a young woman in that station of life . the question then arises , should that young woman be deprived of these many advantages and that good fortune simply because she has  leicester , with an apologetic but dignified inclination of his head towards the ironmaster , winds up his sentence  attracted the notice of mr rouncewells son . now , has she deserved this punishment . is this just towards her . is this our previous understanding . i beg your pardon , interposes mr . rouncewells sons father . sir leicester , will you allow me . i think i may shorten the subject . pray dismiss that from your consideration . if you remember anything so unimportant  is not to be expected  would recollect that my first thought in the affair was directly opposed to her remaining here . dismiss the dedlock patronage from consideration . oh . sir leicester is bound to believe a pair of ears that have been handed down to him through such a family , or he really might have mistrusted their report of the iron gentlemans observations . it is not necessary , observes my lady in her coldest manner before he can do anything but breathe amazedly , to enter into these matters on either side . the girl is a very good girl i have nothing whatever to say against her , but she is so far insensible to her many advantages and her good fortune that she is in love  supposes she is , poor little fool  unable to appreciate them . sir leicester begs to observe that wholly alters the case . he might have been sure that my lady had the best grounds and reasons in support of her view . he entirely agrees with my lady . the young woman had better go . as sir leicester observed , mr . rouncewell , on the last occasion when we were fatigued by this business , lady dedlock languidly proceeds , we cannot make conditions with you . without conditions , and under present circumstances , the girl is quite misplaced here and had better go . i have told her so . would you wish to have her sent back to the village , or would you like to take her with you , or what would you prefer . lady dedlock , if i may speak plainly  by all means . should prefer the course which will the soonest relieve you of the incumbrance and remove her from her present position . and to speak as plainly , she returns with the same studied carelessness , so should i . do i understand that you will take her with you . the iron gentleman makes an iron bow . sir leicester , will you ring . mr . tulkinghorn steps forward from his window and pulls the bell . i had forgotten you . thank you . he makes his usual bow and goes quietly back again . mercury , swift responsive, , appears , receives instructions whom to produce , skims away , produces the aforesaid , and departs . rosa has been crying and is yet in distress . on her coming in , the ironmaster leaves his chair , takes her arm in his , and remains with her near the door ready to depart . you are taken charge of , you see , says my lady in her weary manner , and are going away well protected . i have mentioned that you are a very good girl , and you have nothing to cry for . she seems after all , observes mr . tulkinghorn , loitering a little forward with his hands behind him , as if she were crying at going away . why , she is not well bred, , you see , returns mr . rouncewell with some quickness in his manner , as if he were glad to have the lawyer to retort upon , and she is an inexperienced little thing and knows no better . if she had remained here , sir , she would have improved , no doubt . no doubt , is mr . tulkinghorns composed reply . rosa sobs out that she is very sorry to leave my lady , and that she was happy at chesney wold , and has been happy with my lady , and that she thanks my lady over and over again . out , you silly little puss . says the ironmaster , checking her in a low voice , though not angrily . have a spirit , if youre fond of watt . my lady merely waves her off with indifference , saying , there , child . you are a good girl . go away . sir leicester has magnificently disengaged himself from the subject and retired into the sanctuary of his blue coat . mr . tulkinghorn , an indistinct form against the dark street now dotted with lamps , looms in my ladys view , bigger and blacker than before . sir leicester and lady dedlock , says mr . rouncewell after a pause of a few moments , i beg to take my leave , with an apology for having again troubled you , though not of my own act , on this tiresome subject . i can very well understand , i assure you , how tiresome so small a matter must have become to lady dedlock . if i am doubtful of my dealing with it , is only because i did not at first quietly exert my influence to take my young friend here away without troubling you at all . but it appeared to me  dare say magnifying the importance of the thing  it was respectful to explain to you how the matter stood and candid to consult your wishes and convenience . i hope you will excuse my want of acquaintance with the polite world . sir leicester considers himself evoked out of the sanctuary by these remarks . mr . rouncewell , he returns , do not mention it . justifications are unnecessary , i hope , on either side . i am glad to hear it , sir leicester and if i may , by way of a last word , revert to what i said before of my mothers long connexion with the family and the worth it bespeaks on both sides , i would point out this little instance here on my arm who shows herself so affectionate and faithful in parting and in whom my mother , i dare say , has done something to awaken such feelings  of course lady dedlock , by her heartfelt interest and her genial condescension , has done much more . if he mean this ironically , it may be truer than he thinks . he points it , however , by no deviation from his straightforward manner of speech , though in saying it he turns towards that part of the dim room where my lady sits . sir leicester stands to return his parting salutation , mr . tulkinghorn again rings , mercury takes another flight , and mr . rouncewell and rosa leave the house . then lights are brought in , discovering mr . tulkinghorn still standing in his window with his hands behind him and my lady still sitting with his figure before her , closing up her view of the night as well as of the day . she is very pale . mr . tulkinghorn , observing it as she rises to retire , thinks , well she may be . the power of this woman is astonishing . she has been acting a part the whole time . but he can act a part too  one unchanging character  as he holds the door open for this woman , fifty pairs of eyes , each fifty times sharper than sir leicesters pair , should find no flaw in him . lady dedlock dines alone in her own room to day . sir leicester is whipped in to the rescue of the doodle party and the discomfiture of the coodle faction . lady dedlock asks on sitting down to dinner , still deadly pale and quite an illustration of the debilitated cousins text , whether he is gone out . yes . whether mr . tulkinghorn is gone yet . no . presently she asks again , is he gone yet . no . what is he doing . mercury thinks he is writing letters in the library . would my lady wish to see him . anything but that . but he wishes to see my lady . within a few more minutes he is reported as sending his respects , and could my lady please to receive him for a word or two after her dinner . my lady will receive him now . he comes now , apologizing for intruding , even by her permission , while she is at table . when they are alone , my lady waves her hand to dispense with such mockeries . what do you want , sir . why , lady dedlock , says the lawyer , taking a chair at a little distance from her and slowly rubbing his rusty legs up and down , up and down , up and down , i am rather surprised by the course you have taken . indeed . yes , decidedly . i was not prepared for it . i consider it a departure from our agreement and your promise . it puts us in a new position , lady dedlock . i feel myself under the necessity of saying that i dont approve of it . he stops in his rubbing and looks at her , with his hands on his knees . imperturbable and unchangeable as he is , there is still an indefinable freedom in his manner which is new and which does not escape this womans observation . i do not quite understand you . oh , yes you do , i think . i think you do . come , lady dedlock , we must not fence and parry now . you know you like this girl . well , sir . and you know  i know  you have not sent her away for the reasons you have assigned , but for the purpose of separating her as much as possible from  my mentioning it as a matter of business  reproach and exposure that impend over yourself . well , sir . well , lady dedlock , returns the lawyer , crossing his legs and nursing the uppermost knee . i object to that . i consider that a dangerous proceeding . i know it to be unnecessary and calculated to awaken speculation , doubt , rumour , i dont know what , in the house . besides , it is a violation of our agreement . you were to be exactly what you were before . whereas , it must be evident to yourself , as it is to me , that you have been this evening very different from what you were before . why , bless my soul , lady dedlock , transparently so . if , sir , she begins , in my knowledge of my secret  but he interrupts her . now , lady dedlock , this is a matter of business , and in a matter of business the ground cannot be kept too clear . it is no longer your secret . excuse me . that is just the mistake . it is my secret , in trust for sir leicester and the family . if it were your secret , lady dedlock , we should not be here holding this conversation . that is very true . if in my knowledge of the secret i do what i can to spare an innocent girl especially , remembering your own reference to her when you told my story to the assembled guests at chesney wold from the taint of my impending shame , i act upon a resolution i have taken . nothing in the world , and no one in the world , could shake it or could move me . this she says with great deliberation and distinctness and with no more outward passion than himself . as for him , he methodically discusses his matter of business as if she were any insensible instrument used in business . really . then you see , lady dedlock , he returns , you are not to be trusted . you have put the case in a perfectly plain way , and according to the literal fact and that being the case , you are not to be trusted . perhaps you may remember that i expressed some anxiety on this same point when we spoke at night at chesney wold . yes , says mr . tulkinghorn , coolly getting up and standing on the hearth . yes . i recollect , lady dedlock , that you certainly referred to the girl , but that was before we came to our arrangement , and both the letter and the spirit of our arrangement altogether precluded any action on your part founded upon my discovery . there can be no doubt about that . as to sparing the girl , of what importance or value is she . spare . lady dedlock , here is a family name compromised . one might have supposed that the course was straight on  everything , neither to the right nor to the left , regardless of all considerations in the way , sparing nothing , treading everything under foot . she has been looking at the table . she lifts up her eyes and looks at him . there is a stern expression on her face and a part of her lower lip is compressed under her teeth . this woman understands me , mr . tulkinghorn thinks as she lets her glance fall again . she cannot be spared . why should she spare others . for a little while they are silent . lady dedlock has eaten no dinner , but has twice or thrice poured out water with a steady hand and drunk it . she rises from table , takes a lounging chair, , and reclines in it , shading her face . there is nothing in her manner to express weakness or excite compassion . it is thoughtful , gloomy , concentrated . this woman , thinks mr . tulkinghorn , standing on the hearth , again a dark object closing up her view , is a study . he studies her at his leisure , not speaking for a time . she too studies something at her leisure . she is not the first to speak , appearing indeed so unlikely to be so , though he stood there until midnight , that even he is driven upon breaking silence . lady dedlock , the most disagreeable part of this business interview remains , but it is business . our agreement is broken . a lady of your sense and strength of character will be prepared for my now declaring it void and taking my own course . i am quite prepared . mr . tulkinghorn inclines his head . that is all i have to trouble you with , lady dedlock . she stops him as he is moving out of the room by asking , this is the notice i was to receive . i wish not to misapprehend you . not exactly the notice you were to receive , lady dedlock , because the contemplated notice supposed the agreement to have been observed . but virtually the same , virtually the same . the difference is merely in a lawyers mind . you intend to give me no other notice . you are right . no . do you contemplate undeceiving sir leicester to night . a home question . says mr . tulkinghorn with a slight smile and cautiously shaking his head at the shaded face . no , not to night . to morrow . all things considered , i had better decline answering that question , lady dedlock . if i were to say i dont know when , exactly , you would not believe me , and it would answer no purpose . it may be to morrow . i would rather say no more . you are prepared , and i hold out no expectations which circumstances might fail to justify . i wish you good evening . she removes her hand , turns her pale face towards him as he walks silently to the door , and stops him once again as he is about to open it . do you intend to remain in the house any time . i heard you were writing in the library . are you going to return there . only for my hat . i am going home . she bows her eyes rather than her head , the movement is so slight and curious , and he withdraws . clear of the room he looks at his watch but is inclined to doubt it by a minute or thereabouts . there is a splendid clock upon the staircase , famous , as splendid clocks not often are , for its accuracy . and what do you say , mr . tulkinghorn inquires , referring to it . what do you say . if it said now , dont go home . what a famous clock , hereafter , if it said to night of all the nights that it has counted off , to this old man of all the young and old men who have ever stood before it , dont go home . with its sharp clear bell it strikes three quarters after seven and ticks on again . why , you are worse than i thought you , says mr . tulkinghorn , muttering reproof to his watch . two minutes wrong . at this rate you wont last my time . what a watch to return good for evil if it ticked in answer , dont go home . he passes out into the streets and walks on , with his hands behind him , under the shadow of the lofty houses , many of whose mysteries , difficulties , mortgages , delicate affairs of all kinds , are treasured up within his old black satin waistcoat . he is in the confidence of the very bricks and mortar . the high chimney stacks telegraph family secrets to him . yet there is not a voice in a mile of them to whisper , dont go home . through the stir and motion of the commoner streets through the roar and jar of many vehicles , many feet , many voices with the blazing shop lights lighting him on , the west wind blowing him on , and the crowd pressing him on , he is pitilessly urged upon his way , and nothing meets him murmuring , dont go home . arrived at last in his dull room to light his candles , and look round and up , and see the roman pointing from the ceiling , there is no new significance in the romans hand to night or in the flutter of the attendant groups to give him the late warning , dont come here . it is a moonlight night , but the moon , being past the full , is only now rising over the great wilderness of london . the stars are shining as they shone above the turret leads at chesney wold . this woman , as he has of late been so accustomed to call her , looks out upon them . her soul is turbulent within her she is sick at heart and restless . the large rooms are too cramped and close . she cannot endure their restraint and will walk alone in a neighbouring garden . too capricious and imperious in all she does to be the cause of much surprise in those about her as to anything she does , this woman , loosely muffled , goes out into the moonlight . mercury attends with the key . having opened the garden gate, , he delivers the key into his ladys hands at her request and is bidden to go back . she will walk there some time to ease her aching head . she may be an hour , she may be more . she needs no further escort . the gate shuts upon its spring with a clash , and he leaves her passing on into the dark shade of some trees . a fine night , and a bright large moon , and multitudes of stars . mr . tulkinghorn , in repairing to his cellar and in opening and shutting those resounding doors , has to cross a little prison like yard . he looks up casually , thinking what a fine night , what a bright large moon , what multitudes of stars . a quiet night , too . a very quiet night . when the moon shines very brilliantly , a solitude and stillness seem to proceed from her that influence even crowded places full of life . not only is it a still night on dusty high roads and on hill summits, , whence a wide expanse of country may be seen in repose , quieter and quieter as it spreads away into a fringe of trees against the sky with the grey ghost of a bloom upon them not only is it a still night in gardens and in woods , and on the river where the water meadows are fresh and green , and the stream sparkles on among pleasant islands , murmuring weirs , and whispering rushes not only does the stillness attend it as it flows where houses cluster thick , where many bridges are reflected in it , where wharves and shipping make it black and awful , where it winds from these disfigurements through marshes whose grim beacons stand like skeletons washed ashore , where it expands through the bolder region of rising grounds , rich in cornfield wind mill and steeple , and where it mingles with the ever heaving sea not only is it a still night on the deep , and on the shore where the watcher stands to see the ship with her spread wings cross the path of light that appears to be presented to only him but even on this strangers wilderness of london there is some rest . its steeples and towers and its one great dome grow more ethereal its smoky house tops lose their grossness in the pale effulgence the noises that arise from the streets are fewer and are softened , and the footsteps on the pavements pass more tranquilly away . in these fields of mr . tulkinghorns inhabiting , where the shepherds play on chancery pipes that have no stop , and keep their sheep in the fold by hook and by crook until they have shorn them exceeding close , every noise is merged , this moonlight night , into a distant ringing hum , as if the city were a vast glass , vibrating . whats that . who fired a gun or pistol . where was it . the few foot passengers start , stop , and stare about them . some windows and doors are opened , and people come out to look . it was a loud report and echoed and rattled heavily . it shook one house , or so a man says who was passing . it has aroused all the dogs in the neighbourhood , who bark vehemently . terrified cats scamper across the road . while the dogs are yet barking and howling  is one dog howling like a demon  church clocks, , as if they were startled too , begin to strike . the hum from the streets , likewise , seems to swell into a shout . but it is soon over . before the last clock begins to strike ten , there is a lull . when it has ceased , the fine night , the bright large moon , and multitudes of stars , are left at peace again . has mr . tulkinghorn been disturbed . his windows are dark and quiet , and his door is shut . it must be something unusual indeed to bring him out of his shell . nothing is heard of him , nothing is seen of him . what power of cannon might it take to shake that rusty old man out of his immovable composure . for many years the persistent roman has been pointing , with no particular meaning , from that ceiling . it is not likely that he has any new meaning in him to night . once pointing , always pointing  any roman , or even briton , with a single idea . there he is , no doubt , in his impossible attitude , pointing , unavailingly , all night long . moonlight , darkness , dawn , sunrise , day . there he is still , eagerly pointing , and no one minds him . but a little after the coming of the day come people to clean the rooms . and either the roman has some new meaning in him , not expressed before , or the foremost of them goes wild , for looking up at his outstretched hand and looking down at what is below it , that person shrieks and flies . the others , looking in as the first one looked , shriek and fly too , and there is an alarm in the street . what does it mean . no light is admitted into the darkened chamber , and people unaccustomed to it enter , and treading softly but heavily , carry a weight into the bedroom and lay it down . there is whispering and wondering all day , strict search of every corner , careful tracing of steps , and careful noting of the disposition of every article of furniture . all eyes look up at the roman , and all voices murmur , if he could only tell what he saw . he is pointing at a table with a bottle and a glass upon it and two candles that were blown out suddenly soon after being lighted . he is pointing at an empty chair and at a stain upon the ground before it that might be almost covered with a hand . these objects lie directly within his range . an excited imagination might suppose that there was something in them so terrific as to drive the rest of the composition , not only the attendant big legged boys , but the clouds and flowers and pillars too  short , the very body and soul of allegory , and all the brains it has  mad . it happens surely that every one who comes into the darkened room and looks at these things looks up at the roman and that he is invested in all eyes with mystery and awe , as if he were a paralysed dumb witness . so it shall happen surely , through many years to come , that ghostly stories shall be told of the stain upon the floor , so easy to be covered , so hard to be got out , and that the roman , pointing from the ceiling shall point , so long as dust and damp and spiders spare him , with far greater significance than he ever had in mr . tulkinghorns time , and with a deadly meaning . for mr . tulkinghorns time is over for evermore , and the roman pointed at the murderous hand uplifted against his life , and pointed helplessly at him , from night to morning , lying face downward on the floor , shot through the heart . chapter xlix dutiful friendship a great annual occasion has come round in the establishment of mr . matthew bagnet , otherwise lignum vitae , ex artilleryman and present bassoon player . an occasion of feasting and festival . the celebration of a birthday in the family . it is not mr . bagnets birthday . mr . bagnet merely distinguishes that epoch in the musical instrument business by kissing the children with an extra smack before breakfast , smoking an additional pipe after dinner , and wondering towards evening what his poor old mother is thinking about it  subject of infinite speculation , and rendered so by his mother having departed this life twenty years . some men rarely revert to their father , but seem , in the bank books of their remembrance , to have transferred all the stock of filial affection into their mothers name . mr . bagnet is one of these . perhaps his exalted appreciation of the merits of the old girl causes him usually to make the noun substantive goodness of the feminine gender . it is not the birthday of one of the three children . those occasions are kept with some marks of distinction , but they rarely overleap the bounds of happy returns and a pudding . on young woolwichs last birthday , mr . bagnet certainly did , after observing on his growth and general advancement , proceed , in a moment of profound reflection on the changes wrought by time , to examine him in the catechism , accomplishing with extreme accuracy the questions number one and two , what is your name . and who gave you that name . but there failing in the exact precision of his memory and substituting for number three the question and how do you like that name . which he propounded with a sense of its importance , in itself so edifying and improving as to give it quite an orthodox air . this , however , was a speciality on that particular birthday , and not a general solemnity . it is the old girls birthday , and that is the greatest holiday and reddest letter day in mr . bagnets calendar . the auspicious event is always commemorated according to certain forms settled and prescribed by mr . bagnet some years since . mr . bagnet , being deeply convinced that to have a pair of fowls for dinner is to attain the highest pitch of imperial luxury , invariably goes forth himself very early in the morning of this day to buy a pair he is , as invariably , taken in by the vendor and installed in the possession of the oldest inhabitants of any coop in europe . returning with these triumphs of toughness tied up in a clean blue and white cotton handkerchief he in a casual manner invites mrs . bagnet to declare at breakfast what she would like for dinner . mrs . bagnet , by a coincidence never known to fail , replying fowls , mr . bagnet instantly produces his bundle from a place of concealment amidst general amazement and rejoicing . he further requires that the old girl shall do nothing all day long but sit in her very best gown and be served by himself and the young people . as he is not illustrious for his cookery , this may be supposed to be a matter of state rather than enjoyment on the old girls part , but she keeps her state with all imaginable cheerfulness . on this present birthday , mr . bagnet has accomplished the usual preliminaries . he has bought two specimens of poultry , which , if there be any truth in adages , were certainly not caught with chaff , to be prepared for the spit he has amazed and rejoiced the family by their unlooked for production he is himself directing the roasting of the poultry and mrs . bagnet , with her wholesome brown fingers itching to prevent what she sees going wrong , sits in her gown of ceremony , an honoured guest . quebec and malta lay the cloth for dinner , while woolwich , serving , as beseems him , under his father , keeps the fowls revolving . to these young scullions mrs . bagnet occasionally imparts a wink , or a shake of the head , or a crooked face , as they made mistakes . at half after one . says mr . bagnet . to the minute . theyll be done . mrs . bagnet , with anguish , beholds one of them at a standstill before the fire and beginning to burn . you shall have a dinner , old girl , says mr . bagnet . fit for a queen . mrs . bagnet shows her white teeth cheerfully , but to the perception of her son , betrays so much uneasiness of spirit that he is impelled by the dictates of affection to ask her , with his eyes , what is the matter , thus standing , with his eyes wide open , more oblivious of the fowls than before , and not affording the least hope of a return to consciousness . fortunately his elder sister perceives the cause of the agitation in mrs . bagnets breast and with an admonitory poke recalls him . the stopped fowls going round again , mrs . bagnet closes her eyes in the intensity of her relief . george will look us up , says mr . bagnet . at half after four . to the moment . how many years , old girl . has george looked us up . this afternoon . ah , lignum , as many as make an old woman of a young one , i begin to think . just about that , and no less , returns mrs . bagnet , laughing and shaking her head . old girl , says mr . bagnet , never mind . youd be as young as ever you was . if you wasnt younger . which you are . as everybody knows . quebec and malta here exclaim , with clapping of hands , that bluffy is sure to bring mother something , and begin to speculate on what it will be . do you know , lignum , says mrs . bagnet , casting a glance on the table cloth, , and winking salt . at malta with her right eye , and shaking the pepper away from quebec with her head , i begin to think george is in the roving way again . george , returns mr . bagnet , will never desert . and leave his old comrade . in the lurch . dont be afraid of it . no , lignum . no . i dont say he will . i dont think he will . but if he could get over this money trouble of his , i believe he would be off . mr . bagnet asks why . well , returns his wife , considering , george seems to me to be getting not a little impatient and restless . i dont say but what hes as free as ever . of course he must be free or he wouldnt be george , but he smarts and seems put out . hes extra drilled, , says mr . bagnet . by a lawyer . who would put the devil out . theres something in that , his wife assents but so it is , lignum . further conversation is prevented , for the time , by the necessity under which mr . bagnet finds himself of directing the whole force of his mind to the dinner , which is a little endangered by the dry humour of the fowls in not yielding any gravy , and also by the made gravy acquiring no flavour and turning out of a flaxen complexion . with a similar perverseness , the potatoes crumble off forks in the process of peeling , upheaving from their centres in every direction , as if they were subject to earthquakes . the legs of the fowls , too , are longer than could be desired , and extremely scaly . overcoming these disadvantages to the best of his ability , mr . bagnet at last dishes and they sit down at table , mrs . bagnet occupying the guests place at his right hand . it is well for the old girl that she has but one birthday in a year , for two such indulgences in poultry might be injurious . every kind of finer tendon and ligament that is in the nature of poultry to possess is developed in these specimens in the singular form of guitar strings . their limbs appear to have struck roots into their breasts and bodies , as aged trees strike roots into the earth . their legs are so hard as to encourage the idea that they must have devoted the greater part of their long and arduous lives to pedestrian exercises and the walking of matches . but mr . bagnet , unconscious of these little defects , sets his heart on mrs . bagnet eating a most severe quantity of the delicacies before her and as that good old girl would not cause him a moments disappointment on any day , least of all on such a day , for any consideration , she imperils her digestion fearfully . how young woolwich cleans the drum sticks without being of ostrich descent , his anxious mother is at a loss to understand . the old girl has another trial to undergo after the conclusion of the repast in sitting in state to see the room cleared , the hearth swept , and the dinner service washed up and polished in the backyard . the great delight and energy with which the two young ladies apply themselves to these duties , turning up their skirts in imitation of their mother and skating in and out on little scaffolds of pattens , inspire the highest hopes for the future , but some anxiety for the present . the same causes lead to confusion of tongues , a clattering of crockery , a rattling of tin mugs , a whisking of brooms , and an expenditure of water , all in excess , while the saturation of the young ladies themselves is almost too moving a spectacle for mrs . bagnet to look upon with the calmness proper to her position . at last the various cleansing processes are triumphantly completed quebec and malta appear in fresh attire , smiling and dry pipes , tobacco , and something to drink are placed upon the table and the old girl enjoys the first peace of mind she ever knows on the day of this delightful entertainment . when mr . bagnet takes his usual seat , the hands of the clock are very near to half past four as they mark it accurately , mr . bagnet announces , george . military time . it is george , and he has hearty congratulations for the old girl and for the children , and for mr . bagnet . happy returns to all . says mr . george . but , george , old man . cries mrs . bagnet , looking at him curiously . whats come to you . come to me . ah . you are so white , george  you  look so shocked . now dont he , lignum . george , says mr . bagnet , tell the old girl . whats the matter . i didnt know i looked white , says the trooper , passing his hand over his brow , and i didnt know i looked shocked , and im sorry i do . but the truth is , that boy who was taken in at my place died yesterday afternoon , and it has rather knocked me over . poor creetur . says mrs . bagnet with a mothers pity . is he gone . dear , . i didnt mean to say anything about it , for its not birthday talk , but you have got it out of me , you see , before i sit down . i should have roused up in a minute , says the trooper , making himself speak more gaily , but youre so quick , mrs . bagnet . youre right . the old girl , says mr . bagnet . is as quick . as powder . and whats more , shes the subject of the day , and well stick to her , cries mr . george . see here , i have brought a little brooch along with me . its a poor thing , you know , but its a keepsake . thats all the good it is , mrs . bagnet . mr . george produces his present , which is greeted with admiring leapings and clappings by the young family , and with a species of reverential admiration by mr . bagnet . old girl , says mr . bagnet . tell him my opinion of it . why , its a wonder , george . mrs . bagnet exclaims . its the beautifullest thing that ever was seen . good . says mr . bagnet . my opinion . its so pretty , george , cries mrs . bagnet , turning it on all sides and holding it out at arms length , that it seems too choice for me . bad . says mr . bagnet . not my opinion . but whatever it is , a hundred thousand thanks , old fellow , says mrs . bagnet , her eyes sparkling with pleasure and her hand stretched out to him and though i have been a crossgrained soldiers wife to you sometimes , george , we are as strong friends , i am sure , in reality , as ever can be . now you shall fasten it on yourself , for good luck , if you will , george . the children close up to see it done , and mr . bagnet looks over young woolwichs head to see it done with an interest so maturely wooden , yet pleasantly childish , that mrs . bagnet cannot help laughing in her airy way and saying , oh , lignum , what a precious old chap you are . but the trooper fails to fasten the brooch . his hand shakes , he is nervous , and it falls off . would any one believe this . says he , catching it as it drops and looking round . i am so out of sorts that i bungle at an easy job like this . mrs . bagnet concludes that for such a case there is no remedy like a pipe , and fastening the brooch herself in a twinkling , causes the trooper to be inducted into his usual snug place and the pipes to be got into action . if that dont bring you round , george , says she , just throw your eye across here at your present now and then , and the two together must do it . you ought to do it of yourself , george answers i know that very well , mrs . bagnet . ill tell you how , one way and another , the blues have got to be too many for me . here was this poor lad . twas dull work to see him dying as he did , and not be able to help him . what do you mean , george . you did help him . you took him under your roof . i helped him so far , but thats little . i mean , mrs . bagnet , there he was , dying without ever having been taught much more than to know his right hand from his left . and he was too far gone to be helped out of that . ah , poor creetur . says mrs . bagnet . then , says the trooper , not yet lighting his pipe , and passing his heavy hand over his hair , that brought up gridley in a mans mind . his was a bad case too , in a different way . then the two got mixed up in a mans mind with a flinty old rascal who had to do with both . and to think of that rusty carbine , stock and barrel , standing up on end in his corner , hard , indifferent , taking everything so evenly  made flesh and blood tingle , i do assure you . my advice to you , returns mrs . bagnet , is to light your pipe and tingle that way . its wholesomer and comfortabler , and better for the health altogether . youre right , says the trooper , and ill do it . so he does it , though still with an indignant gravity that impresses the young bagnets , and even causes mr . bagnet to defer the ceremony of drinking mrs . bagnets health , always given by himself on these occasions in a speech of exemplary terseness . but the young ladies having composed what mr . bagnet is in the habit of calling the mixtur , and georges pipe being now in a glow , mr . bagnet considers it his duty to proceed to the toast of the evening . he addresses the assembled company in the following terms . george . woolwich . quebec . malta . this is her birthday . take a days march . and you wont find such another . heres towards her . the toast having been drunk with enthusiasm , mrs . bagnet returns thanks in a neat address of corresponding brevity . this model composition is limited to the three words and wishing yours . which the old girl follows up with a nod at everybody in succession and a well regulated swig of the mixture . this she again follows up , on the present occasion , by the wholly unexpected exclamation , heres a man . here is a man , much to the astonishment of the little company , looking in at the parlour door . he is a sharp eyed man  quick keen man  he takes in everybodys look at him , all at once , individually and collectively , in a manner that stamps him a remarkable man . george , says the man , nodding , how do you find yourself . why , its bucket . cries mr . george . yes , says the man , coming in and closing the door . i was going down the street here when i happened to stop and look in at the musical instruments in the shop window friend of mine is in want of a second hand wiolinceller of a good tone  i saw a party enjoying themselves , and i thought it was you in the corner i thought i couldnt be mistaken . how goes the world with you , george , at the present moment . pretty smooth . and with you , maam . and with you , governor . and lord , says mr . bucket , opening his arms , heres children too . you may do anything with me if you only show me children . give us a kiss , my pets . no occasion to inquire who your father and mother is . never saw such a likeness in my life . mr . bucket , not unwelcome , has sat himself down next to mr . george and taken quebec and malta on his knees . you pretty dears , says mr . bucket , give us another kiss its the only thing im greedy in . lord bless you , how healthy you look . and what may be the ages of these two , maam . i should put em down at the figures of about eight and ten . youre very near , sir , says mrs . bagnet . i generally am near , returns mr . bucket , being so fond of children . a friend of mine has had nineteen of em , maam , all by one mother , and shes still as fresh and rosy as the morning . not so much so as yourself , but , upon my soul , she comes near you . and what do you call these , my darling . pursues mr . bucket , pinching maltas cheeks . these are peaches , these are . bless your heart . and what do you think about father . do you think father could recommend a second hand wiolinceller of a good tone for mr . buckets friend , my dear . my names bucket . aint that a funny name . these blandishments have entirely won the family heart . mrs . bagnet forgets the day to the extent of filling a pipe and a glass for mr . bucket and waiting upon him hospitably . she would be glad to receive so pleasant a character under any circumstances , but she tells him that as a friend of georges she is particularly glad to see him this evening , for george has not been in his usual spirits . not in his usual spirits . exclaims mr . bucket . why , i never heard of such a thing . whats the matter , george . you dont intend to tell me youve been out of spirits . what should you be out of spirits for . you havent got anything on your mind , you know . nothing particular , returns the trooper . i should think not , rejoins mr . bucket . what could you have on your mind , you know . and have these pets got anything on their minds , eh . not they , but theyll be upon the minds of some of the young fellows , some of these days , and make em precious low spirited . i aint much of a prophet , but i can tell you that , maam . mrs . bagnet , quite charmed , hopes mr . bucket has a family of his own . there , maam . says mr . bucket . would you believe it . no , i havent . my wife and a lodger constitute my family . mrs . bucket is as fond of children as myself and as wishful to have em , but no . so it is . worldly goods are divided unequally , and man must not repine . what a very nice backyard , maam . any way out of that yard , now . there is no way out of that yard . aint there really . says mr . bucket . i should have thought there might have been . well , i dont know as i ever saw a backyard that took my fancy more . would you allow me to look at it . thank you . no , i see theres no way out . but what a very good proportioned yard it is . having cast his sharp eye all about it , mr . bucket returns to his chair next his friend mr . george and pats mr . george affectionately on the shoulder . how are your spirits now , george . all right now , returns the trooper . thats your sort . says mr . bucket . why should you ever have been otherwise . a man of your fine figure and constitution has no right to be out of spirits . that aint a chest to be out of spirits , is it , maam . and you havent got anything on your mind , you know , george what could you have on your mind . somewhat harping on this phrase , considering the extent and variety of his conversational powers , mr . bucket twice or thrice repeats it to the pipe he lights , and with a listening face that is particularly his own . but the sun of his sociality soon recovers from this brief eclipse and shines again . and this is brother , is it , my dears . says mr . bucket , referring to quebec and malta for information on the subject of young woolwich . and a nice brother he is  i mean to say . for hes too old to be your boy , maam . i can certify at all events that he is not anybody elses , returns mrs . bagnet , laughing . well , you do surprise me . yet hes like you , theres no denying . lord , hes wonderfully like you . but about what you may call the brow , you know , there his father comes out . mr . bucket compares the faces with one eye shut up , while mr . bagnet smokes in stolid satisfaction . this is an opportunity for mrs . bagnet to inform him that the boy is georges godson . georges godson , is he . rejoins mr . bucket with extreme cordiality . i must shake hands over again with georges godson . godfather and godson do credit to one another . and what do you intend to make of him , maam . does he show any turn for any musical instrument . mr . bagnet suddenly interposes , plays the fife . beautiful . would you believe it , governor , says mr . bucket , struck by the coincidence , that when i was a boy i played the fife myself . not in a scientific way , as i expect he does , but by ear . lord bless you . british grenadiers  a tune to warm an englishman up . could you give us british grenadiers , my fine fellow . nothing could be more acceptable to the little circle than this call upon young woolwich , who immediately fetches his fife and performs the stirring melody , during which performance mr . bucket , much enlivened , beats time and never fails to come in sharp with the burden , british gra a . in short , he shows so much musical taste that mr . bagnet actually takes his pipe from his lips to express his conviction that he is a singer . mr . bucket receives the harmonious impeachment so modestly , confessing how that he did once chaunt a little , for the expression of the feelings of his own bosom , and with no presumptuous idea of entertaining his friends , that he is asked to sing . not to be behindhand in the sociality of the evening , he complies and gives them believe me , if all those endearing young charms . this ballad , he informs mrs . bagnet , he considers to have been his most powerful ally in moving the heart of mrs . bucket when a maiden , and inducing her to approach the altar  . buckets own words are to come up to the scratch . this sparkling stranger is such a new and agreeable feature in the evening that mr . george , who testified no great emotions of pleasure on his entrance , begins , in spite of himself , to be rather proud of him . he is so friendly , is a man of so many resources , and so easy to get on with , that it is something to have made him known there . mr . bagnet becomes , after another pipe , so sensible of the value of his acquaintance that he solicits the honour of his company on the old girls next birthday . if anything can more closely cement and consolidate the esteem which mr . bucket has formed for the family , it is the discovery of the nature of the occasion . he drinks to mrs . bagnet with a warmth approaching to rapture , engages himself for that day twelvemonth more than thankfully , makes a memorandum of the day in a large black pocket book with a girdle to it , and breathes a hope that mrs . bucket and mrs . bagnet may before then become , in a manner , sisters . as he says himself , what is public life without private ties . he is in his humble way a public man , but it is not in that sphere that he finds happiness . no , it must be sought within the confines of domestic bliss . it is natural , under these circumstances , that he , in his turn , should remember the friend to whom he is indebted for so promising an acquaintance . and he does . he keeps very close to him . whatever the subject of the conversation , he keeps a tender eye upon him . he waits to walk home with him . he is interested in his very boots and observes even them attentively as mr . george sits smoking cross legged in the chimney corner . at length mr . george rises to depart . at the same moment mr . bucket , with the secret sympathy of friendship , also rises . he dotes upon the children to the last and remembers the commission he has undertaken for an absent friend . respecting that second hand wiolinceller , governor  you recommend me such a thing . scores , says mr . bagnet . i am obliged to you , returns mr . bucket , squeezing his hand . youre a friend in need . a good tone , mind you . my friend is a regular dab at it . ecod , he saws away at mozart and handel and the rest of the big wigs like a thorough workman . and you neednt , says mr . bucket in a considerate and private voice , you neednt commit yourself to too low a figure , governor . i dont want to pay too large a price for my friend , but i want you to have your proper percentage and be remunerated for your loss of time . that is but fair . every man must live , and ought to it . mr . bagnet shakes his head at the old girl to the effect that they have found a jewel of price . suppose i was to give you a look in , say , at half arter ten to morrow morning . perhaps you could name the figures of a few wiolincellers of a good tone . says mr . bucket . nothing easier . mr . and mrs . bagnet both engage to have the requisite information ready and even hint to each other at the practicability of having a small stock collected there for approval . thank you , says mr . bucket , thank you . good night , maam . good night , governor . good night , darlings . i am much obliged to you for one of the pleasantest evenings i ever spent in my life . they , on the contrary , are much obliged to him for the pleasure he has given them in his company and so they part with many expressions of goodwill on both sides . now george , old boy , says mr . bucket , taking his arm at the shop door, , come along . as they go down the little street and the bagnets pause for a minute looking after them , mrs . bagnet remarks to the worthy lignum that mr . bucket almost clings to george like , and seems to be really fond of him . the neighbouring streets being narrow and ill paved, , it is a little inconvenient to walk there two abreast and arm in arm . mr . george therefore soon proposes to walk singly . but mr . bucket , who cannot make up his mind to relinquish his friendly hold , replies , wait half a minute , george . i should wish to speak to you first . immediately afterwards , he twists him into a public house and into a parlour , where he confronts him and claps his own back against the door . now , george , says mr . bucket , duty is duty , and friendship is friendship . i never want the two to clash if i can help it . i have endeavoured to make things pleasant to night, , and i put it to you whether i have done it or not . you must consider yourself in custody , george . custody . what for . returns the trooper , thunderstruck . now , george , says mr . bucket , urging a sensible view of the case upon him with his fat forefinger , duty , as you know very well , is one thing , and conversation is another . its my duty to inform you that any observations you may make will be liable to be used against you . therefore , george , be careful what you say . you dont happen to have heard of a murder . murder . now , george , says mr . bucket , keeping his forefinger in an impressive state of action , bear in mind what ive said to you . i ask you nothing . youve been in low spirits this afternoon . i say , you dont happen to have heard of a murder . no . where has there been a murder . now , george , says mr . bucket , dont you go and commit yourself . im a going to tell you what i want you for . there has been a murder in lincolns inn fields  of the name of tulkinghorn . he was shot last night . i want you for that . the trooper sinks upon a seat behind him , and great drops start out upon his forehead , and a deadly pallor overspreads his face . bucket . its not possible that mr . tulkinghorn has been killed and that you suspect me . george , returns mr . bucket , keeping his forefinger going , it is certainly possible , because its the case . this deed was done last night at ten oclock . now , you know where you were last night at ten oclock , and youll be able to prove it , no doubt . last night . last night . repeats the trooper thoughtfully . then it flashes upon him . why , great heaven , i was there last night . so i have understood , george , returns mr . bucket with great deliberation . so i have understood . likewise youve been very often there . youve been seen hanging about the place , and youve been heard more than once in a wrangle with him , and its possible  dont say its certainly so , mind you , but its possible  he may have been heard to call you a threatening , murdering , dangerous fellow . the trooper gasps as if he would admit it all if he could speak . now , george , continues mr . bucket , putting his hat upon the table with an air of business rather in the upholstery way than otherwise , my wish is , as it has been all the evening , to make things pleasant . i tell you plainly theres a reward out , of a hundred guineas , offered by sir leicester dedlock , baronet . you and me have always been pleasant together but i have got a duty to discharge and if that hundred guineas is to be made , it may as well be made by me as any other man . on all of which accounts , i should hope it was clear to you that i must have you , and that im damned if i dont have you . am i to call in any assistance , or is the trick done . mr . george has recovered himself and stands up like a soldier . come , he says i am ready . george , continues mr . bucket , wait a bit . with his upholsterer manner , as if the trooper were a window to be fitted up , he takes from his pocket a pair of handcuffs . this is a serious charge , george , and such is my duty . the trooper flushes angrily and hesitates a moment , but holds out his two hands , clasped together , and says , there . put them on . mr . bucket adjusts them in a moment . how do you find them . are they comfortable . if not , say so , for i wish to make things as pleasant as is consistent with my duty , and ive got another pair in my pocket . this remark he offers like a most respectable tradesman anxious to execute an order neatly and to the perfect satisfaction of his customer . theyll do as they are . very well . now , you see , george  takes a cloak from a corner and begins adjusting it about the troopers neck  was mindful of your feelings when i come out , and brought this on purpose . there . whos the wiser . only i , returns the trooper , but as i know it , do me one more good turn and pull my hat over my eyes . really , though . do you mean it . aint it a pity . it looks so . i cant look chance men in the face with these things on , mr . george hurriedly replies . do , for gods sake , pull my hat forward . so strongly entreated , mr . bucket complies , puts his own hat on , and conducts his prize into the streets , the trooper marching on as steadily as usual , though with his head less erect , and mr . bucket steering him with his elbow over the crossings and up the turnings . chapter l esthers narrative it happened that when i came home from deal i found a note from caddy jellyby informing me that her health , which had been for some time very delicate , was worse and that she would be more glad than she could tell me if i would go to see her . it was a note of a few lines , written from the couch on which she lay and enclosed to me in another from her husband , in which he seconded her entreaty with much solicitude . caddy was now the mother , and i the godmother , of such a poor little baby  a tiny old faced mite , with a countenance that seemed to be scarcely anything but cap border, , and a little lean , long fingered hand , always clenched under its chin . it would lie in this attitude all day , with its bright specks of eyes open , wondering as i used to imagine how it came to be so small and weak . whenever it was moved it cried , but at all other times it was so patient that the sole desire of its life appeared to be to lie quiet and think . it had curious little dark veins in its face and curious little dark marks under its eyes like faint remembrances of poor caddys inky days , and altogether , to those who were not used to it , was quite a piteous little sight . but it was enough for caddy that she was used to it . the projects with which she beguiled her illness , for little esthers education , and little esthers marriage , and even for her own old age as the grandmother of little esthers little esthers , was so prettily expressive of devotion to this pride of her life that i should be tempted to recall some of them but for the timely remembrance that i am getting on irregularly as it is . to return to the letter . caddy had a superstition about me which had been strengthening in her mind ever since that night long ago when she had lain asleep with her head in my lap . she almost  think i must say quite  that i did her good whenever i was near her . now although this was such a fancy of the affectionate girls that i am almost ashamed to mention it , still it might have all the force of a fact when she was really ill . therefore i set off to caddy , with my guardians consent , post haste and she and prince made so much of me that there never was anything like it . next day i went again to sit with her , and next day i went again . it was a very easy journey , for i had only to rise a little earlier in the morning , and keep my accounts , and attend to housekeeping matters before leaving home . but when i had made these three visits , my guardian said to me , on my return at night , now , little woman , little woman , this will never do . constant dropping will wear away a stone , and constant coaching will wear out a dame durden . we will go to london for a while and take possession of our old lodgings . not for me , dear guardian , said i , for i never feel tired , which was strictly true . i was only too happy to be in such request . for me then , returned my guardian , or for ada , or for both of us . it is somebodys birthday to morrow, , i think . truly i think it is , said i , kissing my darling , who would be twenty one to morrow . well , observed my guardian , half pleasantly , half seriously , thats a great occasion and will give my fair cousin some necessary business to transact in assertion of her independence , and will make london a more convenient place for all of us . so to london we will go . that being settled , there is another thing  have you left caddy . very unwell , guardian . i fear it will be some time before she regains her health and strength . what do you call some time , now . asked my guardian thoughtfully . some weeks , i am afraid . ah . he began to walk about the room with his hands in his pockets , showing that he had been thinking as much . now , what do you say about her doctor . is he a good doctor , my love . i felt obliged to confess that i knew nothing to the contrary but that prince and i had agreed only that evening that we would like his opinion to be confirmed by some one . well , you know , returned my guardian quickly , theres woodcourt . i had not meant that , and was rather taken by surprise . for a moment all that i had in my mind in connexion with mr . woodcourt seemed to come back and confuse me . you dont object to him , little woman . object to him , guardian . oh no . and you dont think the patient would object to him . so far from that , i had no doubt of her being prepared to have a great reliance on him and to like him very much . i said that he was no stranger to her personally , for she had seen him often in his kind attendance on miss flite . very good , said my guardian . he has been here to day, , my dear , and i will see him about it to morrow . i felt in this short conversation  i did not know how , for she was quiet , and we interchanged no look  my dear girl well remembered how merrily she had clasped me round the waist when no other hands than caddys had brought me the little parting token . this caused me to feel that i ought to tell her , and caddy too , that i was going to be the mistress of bleak house and that if i avoided that disclosure any longer i might become less worthy in my own eyes of its masters love . therefore , when we went upstairs and had waited listening until the clock struck twelve in order that only i might be the first to wish my darling all good wishes on her birthday and to take her to my heart , i set before her , just as i had set before myself , the goodness and honour of her cousin john and the happy life that was in store for me . if ever my darling were fonder of me at one time than another in all our intercourse , she was surely fondest of me that night . and i was so rejoiced to know it and so comforted by the sense of having done right in casting this last idle reservation away that i was ten times happier than i had been before . i had scarcely thought it a reservation a few hours ago , but now that it was gone i felt as if i understood its nature better . next day we went to london . we found our old lodging vacant , and in half an hour were quietly established there , as if we had never gone away . mr . woodcourt dined with us to celebrate my darlings birthday , and we were as pleasant as we could be with the great blank among us that richards absence naturally made on such an occasion . after that day i was for some weeks  or nine as i remember  much with caddy , and thus it fell out that i saw less of ada at this time than any other since we had first come together , except the time of my own illness . she often came to caddys , but our function there was to amuse and cheer her , and we did not talk in our usual confidential manner . whenever i went home at night we were together , but caddys rest was broken by pain , and i often remained to nurse her . with her husband and her poor little mite of a baby to love and their home to strive for , what a good creature caddy was . so self denying, , so uncomplaining , so anxious to get well on their account , so afraid of giving trouble , and so thoughtful of the unassisted labours of her husband and the comforts of old mr . turveydrop i had never known the best of her until now . and it seemed so curious that her pale face and helpless figure should be lying there day after day where dancing was the business of life , where the kit and the apprentices began early every morning in the ball room, , and where the untidy little boy waltzed by himself in the kitchen all the afternoon . at caddys request i took the supreme direction of her apartment , trimmed it up , and pushed her , couch and all , into a lighter and more airy and more cheerful corner than she had yet occupied then , every day , when we were in our neatest array , i used to lay my small namesake in her arms and sit down to chat or work or read to her . it was at one of the first of these quiet times that i told caddy about bleak house . we had other visitors besides ada . first of all we had prince , who in his hurried intervals of teaching used to come softly in and sit softly down , with a face of loving anxiety for caddy and the very little child . whatever caddys condition really was , she never failed to declare to prince that she was all but well  i , heaven forgive me , never failed to confirm . this would put prince in such good spirits that he would sometimes take the kit from his pocket and play a chord or two to astonish the baby , which i never knew it to do in the least degree , for my tiny namesake never noticed it at all . then there was mrs . jellyby . she would come occasionally , with her usual distraught manner , and sit calmly looking miles beyond her grandchild as if her attention were absorbed by a young borrioboolan on its native shores . as bright eyed as ever , as serene , and as untidy , she would say , well , caddy , child , and how do you do to day . and then would sit amiably smiling and taking no notice of the reply or would sweetly glide off into a calculation of the number of letters she had lately received and answered or of the coffee bearing power of borrioboola gha . this she would always do with a serene contempt for our limited sphere of action , not to be disguised . then there was old mr . turveydrop , who was from morning to night and from night to morning the subject of innumerable precautions . if the baby cried , it was nearly stifled lest the noise should make him uncomfortable . if the fire wanted stirring in the night , it was surreptitiously done lest his rest should be broken . if caddy required any little comfort that the house contained , she first carefully discussed whether he was likely to require it too . in return for this consideration he would come into the room once a day , all but blessing it  a condescension , and a patronage , and a grace of manner in dispensing the light of his high shouldered presence from which i might have supposed him if i had not known better to have been the benefactor of caddys life . my caroline , he would say , making the nearest approach that he could to bending over her . tell me that you are better to day . oh , much better , thank you , mr . turveydrop , caddy would reply . delighted . enchanted . and our dear miss summerson . she is not quite prostrated by fatigue . here he would crease up his eyelids and kiss his fingers to me , though i am happy to say he had ceased to be particular in his attentions since i had been so altered . not at all , i would assure him . charming . we must take care of our dear caroline , miss summerson . we must spare nothing that will restore her . we must nourish her . my dear caroline  would turn to his daughter in with infinite generosity and protection  for nothing , my love . frame a wish and gratify it , my daughter . everything this house contains , everything my room contains , is at your service , my dear . do not , he would sometimes add in a burst of deportment , even allow my simple requirements to be considered if they should at any time interfere with your own , my caroline . your necessities are greater than mine . he had established such a long prescriptive right to this deportment that i several times knew both caddy and her husband to be melted to tears by these affectionate self sacrifices . nay , my dears , he would remonstrate and when i saw caddys thin arm about his fat neck as he said it , i would be melted too , though not by the same process . nay , . i have promised never to leave ye . be dutiful and affectionate towards me , and i ask no other return . now , bless ye . i am going to the park . he would take the air there presently and get an appetite for his hotel dinner . i hope i do old mr . turveydrop no wrong , but i never saw any better traits in him than these i faithfully record , except that he certainly conceived a liking for peepy and would take the child out walking with great pomp , always on those occasions sending him home before he went to dinner himself , and occasionally with a halfpenny in his pocket . but even this disinterestedness was attended with no inconsiderable cost , to my knowledge , for before peepy was sufficiently decorated to walk hand in hand with the professor of deportment , he had to be newly dressed , at the expense of caddy and her husband , from top to toe . last of our visitors , there was mr . jellyby . really when he used to come in of an evening , and ask caddy in his meek voice how she was , and then sit down with his head against the wall , and make no attempt to say anything more , i liked him very much . if he found me bustling about doing any little thing , he sometimes half took his coat off , as if with an intention of helping by a great exertion but he never got any further . his sole occupation was to sit with his head against the wall , looking hard at the thoughtful baby and i could not quite divest my mind of a fancy that they understood one another . i have not counted mr . woodcourt among our visitors because he was now caddys regular attendant . she soon began to improve under his care , but he was so gentle , so skilful , so unwearying in the pains he took that it is not to be wondered at , i am sure . i saw a good deal of mr . woodcourt during this time , though not so much as might be supposed , for knowing caddy to be safe in his hands , i often slipped home at about the hours when he was expected . we frequently met , notwithstanding . i was quite reconciled to myself now , but i still felt glad to think that he was sorry for me , and he still was sorry for me i believed . he helped mr . badger in his professional engagements , which were numerous , and had as yet no settled projects for the future . it was when caddy began to recover that i began to notice a change in my dear girl . i cannot say how it first presented itself to me , because i observed it in many slight particulars which were nothing in themselves and only became something when they were pieced together . but i made it out , by putting them together , that ada was not so frankly cheerful with me as she used to be . her tenderness for me was as loving and true as ever i did not for a moment doubt that but there was a quiet sorrow about her which she did not confide to me , and in which i traced some hidden regret . now , i could not understand this , and i was so anxious for the happiness of my own pet that it caused me some uneasiness and set me thinking often . at length , feeling sure that ada suppressed this something from me lest it should make me unhappy too , it came into my head that she was a little grieved  me  what i had told her about bleak house . how i persuaded myself that this was likely , i dont know . i had no idea that there was any selfish reference in my doing so . i was not grieved for myself i was quite contented and quite happy . still , that ada might be thinking  me , though i had abandoned all such thoughts  what once was , but was now all changed , seemed so easy to believe that i believed it . what could i do to reassure my darling and show her that i had no such feelings . well . i could only be as brisk and busy as possible , and that i had tried to be all along . however , as caddys illness had certainly interfered , more or less , with my home duties  i had always been there in the morning to make my guardians breakfast , and he had a hundred times laughed and said there must be two little women , for his little woman was never missing  resolved to be doubly diligent and gay . so i went about the house humming all the tunes i knew , and i sat working and working in a desperate manner , and i talked and talked , morning , noon , and night . and still there was the same shade between me and my darling . so , dame trot , observed my guardian , shutting up his book one night when we were all three together , so woodcourt has restored caddy jellyby to the full enjoyment of life again . yes , i said and to be repaid by such gratitude as hers is to be made rich , guardian . i wish it was , he returned , with all my heart . so did i too , for that matter . i said so . aye . we would make him as rich as a jew if we knew how . would we not , little woman . i laughed as i worked and replied that i was not sure about that , for it might spoil him , and he might not be so useful , and there might be many who could ill spare him . as miss flite , and caddy herself , and many others . true , said my guardian . i had forgotten that . but we would agree to make him rich enough to live , i suppose . rich enough to work with tolerable peace of mind . rich enough to have his own happy home and his own household gods  household goddess , too , perhaps . that was quite another thing , i said . we must all agree in that . to be sure , said my guardian . all of us . i have a great regard for woodcourt , a high esteem for him and i have been sounding him delicately about his plans . it is difficult to offer aid to an independent man with that just kind of pride which he possesses . and yet i would be glad to do it if i might or if i knew how . he seems half inclined for another voyage . but that appears like casting such a man away . it might open a new world to him , said i . so it might , little woman , my guardian assented . i doubt if he expects much of the old world . do you know i have fancied that he sometimes feels some particular disappointment or misfortune encountered in it . you never heard of anything of that sort . i shook my head . humph , said my guardian . i am mistaken , i dare say . as there was a little pause here , which i thought , for my dear girls satisfaction , had better be filled up , i hummed an air as i worked which was a favourite with my guardian . and do you think mr . woodcourt will make another voyage . i asked him when i had hummed it quietly all through . i dont quite know what to think , my dear , but i should say it was likely at present that he will give a long trip to another country . i am sure he will take the best wishes of all our hearts with him wherever he goes , said i and though they are not riches , he will never be the poorer for them , guardian , at least . never , little woman , he replied . i was sitting in my usual place , which was now beside my guardians chair . that had not been my usual place before the letter , but it was now . i looked up to ada , who was sitting opposite , and i saw , as she looked at me , that her eyes were filled with tears and that tears were falling down her face . i felt that i had only to be placid and merry once for all to undeceive my dear and set her loving heart at rest . i really was so , and i had nothing to do but to be myself . so i made my sweet girl lean upon my shoulder  little thinking what was heavy on her mind . i said she was not quite well , and put my arm about her , and took her upstairs . when we were in our own room , and when she might perhaps have told me what i was so unprepared to hear , i gave her no encouragement to confide in me i never thought she stood in need of it . oh , my dear good esther , said ada , if i could only make up my mind to speak to you and my cousin john when you are together . why , my love . i remonstrated . ada , why should you not speak to us . ada only dropped her head and pressed me closer to her heart . you surely dont forget , my beauty , said i , smiling , what quiet , old fashioned people we are and how i have settled down to be the discreetest of dames . you dont forget how happily and peacefully my life is all marked out for me , and by whom . i am certain that you dont forget by what a noble character , ada . that can never be . no , never , esther . why then , my dear , said i , there can be nothing amiss  why should you not speak to us . nothing amiss , esther . returned ada . oh , when i think of all these years , and of his fatherly care and kindness , and of the old relations among us , and of you , what shall i do , what shall i do . i looked at my child in some wonder , but i thought it better not to answer otherwise than by cheering her , and so i turned off into many little recollections of our life together and prevented her from saying more . when she lay down to sleep , and not before , i returned to my guardian to say good night , and then i came back to ada and sat near her for a little while . she was asleep , and i thought as i looked at her that she was a little changed . i had thought so more than once lately . i could not decide , even looking at her while she was unconscious , how she was changed , but something in the familiar beauty of her face looked different to me . my guardians old hopes of her and richard arose sorrowfully in my mind , and i said to myself , she has been anxious about him , and i wondered how that love would end . when i had come home from caddys while she was ill , i had often found ada at work , and she had always put her work away , and i had never known what it was . some of it now lay in a drawer near her , which was not quite closed . i did not open the drawer , but i still rather wondered what the work could be , for it was evidently nothing for herself . and i noticed as i kissed my dear that she lay with one hand under her pillow so that it was hidden . how much less amiable i must have been than they thought me , how much less amiable than i thought myself , to be so preoccupied with my own cheerfulness and contentment as to think that it only rested with me to put my dear girl right and set her mind at peace . but i lay down , self deceived, , in that belief . and i awoke in it next day to find that there was still the same shade between me and my darling . chapter li enlightened when mr . woodcourt arrived in london , he went , that very same day , to mr . vholess in symonds inn . for he never once , from the moment when i entreated him to be a friend to richard , neglected or forgot his promise . he had told me that he accepted the charge as a sacred trust , and he was ever true to it in that spirit . he found mr . vholes in his office and informed mr . vholes of his agreement with richard that he should call there to learn his address . just so , sir , said mr . vholes . mr . c . s address is not a hundred miles from here , sir , mr . c . s address is not a hundred miles from here . would you take a seat , sir . mr . woodcourt thanked mr . vholes , but he had no business with him beyond what he had mentioned . just so , sir . i believe , sir , said mr . vholes , still quietly insisting on the seat by not giving the address , that you have influence with mr . c . indeed i am aware that you have . i was not aware of it myself , returned mr . woodcourt but i suppose you know best . sir , rejoined mr . vholes , self contained as usual , voice and all , it is a part of my professional duty to know best . it is a part of my professional duty to study and to understand a gentleman who confides his interests to me . in my professional duty i shall not be wanting , sir , if i know it . i may , with the best intentions , be wanting in it without knowing it but not if i know it , sir . mr . woodcourt again mentioned the address . give me leave , sir , said mr . vholes . bear with me for a moment . sir , mr . c . is playing for a considerable stake , and cannot play without  i say what . money , i presume . sir , said mr . vholes , to be honest with you honesty being my golden rule , whether i gain by it or lose , and i find that i generally lose , money is the word . now , sir , upon the chances of mr . c . s game i express to you no opinion , no opinion . it might be highly impolitic in mr . c . after playing so long and so high , to leave off it might be the reverse i say nothing . no , sir , said mr . vholes , bringing his hand flat down upon his desk in a positive manner , nothing . you seem to forget , returned mr . woodcourt , that i ask you to say nothing and have no interest in anything you say . pardon me , sir . retorted mr . vholes . you do yourself an injustice . no , sir . pardon me . you shall not  in my office , if i know it  yourself an injustice . you are interested in anything , and in everything , that relates to your friend . i know human nature much better , sir , than to admit for an instant that a gentleman of your appearance is not interested in whatever concerns his friend . well , replied mr . woodcourt , that may be . i am particularly interested in his address . the number , sir , said mr . vholes parenthetically , i believe i have already mentioned . if mr . c . is to continue to play for this considerable stake , sir , he must have funds . understand me . there are funds in hand at present . i ask for nothing there are funds in hand . but for the onward play , more funds must be provided , unless mr . c . is to throw away what he has already ventured , which is wholly and solely a point for his consideration . this , sir , i take the opportunity of stating openly to you as the friend of mr . c . without funds i shall always be happy to appear and act for mr . c . to the extent of all such costs as are safe to be allowed out of the estate , not beyond that . i could not go beyond that , sir , without wronging some one . i must either wrong my three dear girls or my venerable father , who is entirely dependent on me , in the vale of taunton or some one . whereas , sir , my resolution is call it weakness or folly if you please to wrong no one . mr . woodcourt rather sternly rejoined that he was glad to hear it . i wish , sir , said mr . vholes , to leave a good name behind me . therefore i take every opportunity of openly stating to a friend of mr . c . how mr . c . is situated . as to myself , sir , the labourer is worthy of his hire . if i undertake to put my shoulder to the wheel , i do it , and i earn what i get . i am here for that purpose . my name is painted on the door outside , with that object . and mr . carstones address , mr . vholes . sir , returned mr . vholes , as i believe i have already mentioned , it is next door . on the second story you will find mr . c . s apartments . mr . c . desires to be near his professional adviser , and i am far from objecting , for i court inquiry . upon this mr . woodcourt wished mr . vholes good day and went in search of richard , the change in whose appearance he began to understand now but too well . he found him in a dull room , fadedly furnished , much as i had found him in his barrack room but a little while before , except that he was not writing but was sitting with a book before him , from which his eyes and thoughts were far astray . as the door chanced to be standing open , mr . woodcourt was in his presence for some moments without being perceived , and he told me that he never could forget the haggardness of his face and the dejection of his manner before he was aroused from his dream . woodcourt , my dear fellow , cried richard , starting up with extended hands , you come upon my vision like a ghost . a friendly one , he replied , and only waiting , as they say ghosts do , to be addressed . how does the mortal world go . they were seated now , near together . badly enough , and slowly enough , said richard , speaking at least for my part of it . what part is that . the chancery part . i never heard , returned mr . woodcourt , shaking his head , of its going well yet . nor i , said richard moodily . who ever did . he brightened again in a moment and said with his natural openness , woodcourt , i should be sorry to be misunderstood by you , even if i gained by it in your estimation . you must know that i have done no good this long time . i have not intended to do much harm , but i seem to have been capable of nothing else . it may be that i should have done better by keeping out of the net into which my destiny has worked me , but i think not , though i dare say you will soon hear , if you have not already heard , a very different opinion . to make short of a long story , i am afraid i have wanted an object but i have an object now  it has me  it is too late to discuss it . take me as i am , and make the best of me . a bargain , said mr . woodcourt . do as much by me in return . oh . you , returned richard , you can pursue your art for its own sake , and can put your hand upon the plough and never turn , and can strike a purpose out of anything . you and i are very different creatures . he spoke regretfully and lapsed for a moment into his weary condition . well , . he cried , shaking it off . everything has an end . we shall see . so you will take me as i am , and make the best of me . aye . indeed i will . they shook hands upon it laughingly , but in deep earnestness . i can answer for one of them with my heart of hearts . you come as a godsend , said richard , for i have seen nobody here yet but vholes . woodcourt , there is one subject i should like to mention , for once and for all , in the beginning of our treaty . you can hardly make the best of me if i dont . you know , i dare say , that i have an attachment to my cousin ada . mr . woodcourt replied that i had hinted as much to him . now pray , returned richard , dont think me a heap of selfishness . dont suppose that i am splitting my head and half breaking my heart over this miserable chancery suit for my own rights and interests alone . adas are bound up with mine they cant be separated vholes works for both of us . do think of that . he was so very solicitous on this head that mr . woodcourt gave him the strongest assurances that he did him no injustice . you see , said richard , with something pathetic in his manner of lingering on the point , though it was off hand and unstudied , to an upright fellow like you , bringing a friendly face like yours here , i cannot bear the thought of appearing selfish and mean . i want to see ada righted , woodcourt , as well as myself i want to do my utmost to right her , as well as myself i venture what i can scrape together to extricate her , as well as myself . do , i beseech you , think of that . afterwards , when mr . woodcourt came to reflect on what had passed , he was so very much impressed by the strength of richards anxiety on this point that in telling me generally of his first visit to symonds inn he particularly dwelt upon it . it revived a fear i had before that my dear girls little property would be absorbed by mr . vholes and that richards justification to himself would be sincerely this . it was just as i began to take care of caddy that the interview took place , and i now return to the time when caddy had recovered and the shade was still between me and my darling . i proposed to ada that morning that we should go and see richard . it a little surprised me to find that she hesitated and was not so radiantly willing as i had expected . my dear , said i , you have not had any difference with richard since i have been so much away . no , esther . not heard of him , perhaps . said i . yes , i have heard of him , said ada . such tears in her eyes , and such love in her face . i could not make my darling out . should i go to richards by myself . i said . no , ada thought i had better not go by myself . would she go with me . yes , ada thought she had better go with me . should we go now . yes , let us go now . well , i could not understand my darling , with the tears in her eyes and the love in her face . we were soon equipped and went out . it was a sombre day , and drops of chill rain fell at intervals . it was one of those colourless days when everything looks heavy and harsh . the houses frowned at us , the dust rose at us , the smoke swooped at us , nothing made any compromise about itself or wore a softened aspect . i fancied my beautiful girl quite out of place in the rugged streets , and i thought there were more funerals passing along the dismal pavements than i had ever seen before . we had first to find out symonds inn . we were going to inquire in a shop when ada said she thought it was near chancery lane . we are not likely to be far out , my love , if we go in that direction , said i . so to chancery lane we went , and there , sure enough , we saw it written up . symonds inn . we had next to find out the number . or mr . vholess office will do , i recollected , for mr . vholess office is next door . upon which ada said , perhaps that was mr . vholess office in the corner there . and it really was . then came the question , which of the two next doors . i was going for the one , and my darling was going for the other and my darling was right again . so up we went to the second story , when we came to richards name in great white letters on a hearse like panel . i should have knocked , but ada said perhaps we had better turn the handle and go in . thus we came to richard , poring over a table covered with dusty bundles of papers which seemed to me like dusty mirrors reflecting his own mind . wherever i looked i saw the ominous words that ran in it repeated . jarndyce and jarndyce . he received us very affectionately , and we sat down . if you had come a little earlier , he said , you would have found woodcourt here . there never was such a good fellow as woodcourt is . he finds time to look in between whiles, , when anybody else with half his work to do would be thinking about not being able to come . and he is so cheery , so fresh , so sensible , so earnest , so  that i am not , that the place brightens whenever he comes , and darkens whenever he goes again . god bless him , i thought , for his truth to me . he is not so sanguine , ada , continued richard , casting his dejected look over the bundles of papers , as vholes and i are usually , but he is only an outsider and is not in the mysteries . we have gone into them , and he has not . he cant be expected to know much of such a labyrinth . as his look wandered over the papers again and he passed his two hands over his head , i noticed how sunken and how large his eyes appeared , how dry his lips were , and how his finger nails were all bitten away . is this a healthy place to live in , richard , do you think . said i . why , my dear minerva , answered richard with his old gay laugh , it is neither a rural nor a cheerful place and when the sun shines here , you may lay a pretty heavy wager that it is shining brightly in an open spot . but its well enough for the time . its near the offices and near vholes . perhaps , i hinted , a change from both  might do me good . said richard , forcing a laugh as he finished the sentence . i shouldnt wonder . but it can only come in one way now  one of two ways , i should rather say . either the suit must be ended , esther , or the suitor . but it shall be the suit , my dear girl , the suit , my dear girl . these latter words were addressed to ada , who was sitting nearest to him . her face being turned away from me and towards him , i could not see it . we are doing very well , pursued richard . vholes will tell you so . we are really spinning along . ask vholes . we are giving them no rest . vholes knows all their windings and turnings , and we are upon them everywhere . we have astonished them already . we shall rouse up that nest of sleepers , mark my words . his hopefulness had long been more painful to me than his despondency it was so unlike hopefulness , had something so fierce in its determination to be it , was so hungry and eager , and yet so conscious of being forced and unsustainable that it had long touched me to the heart . but the commentary upon it now indelibly written in his handsome face made it far more distressing than it used to be . i say indelibly , for i felt persuaded that if the fatal cause could have been for ever terminated , according to his brightest visions , in that same hour , the traces of the premature anxiety , self reproach, , and disappointment it had occasioned him would have remained upon his features to the hour of his death . the sight of our dear little woman , said richard , ada still remaining silent and quiet , is so natural to me , and her compassionate face is so like the face of old days  ah . no , . i smiled and shook my head . exactly like the face of old days , said richard in his cordial voice , and taking my hand with the brotherly regard which nothing ever changed , that i cant make pretences with her . i fluctuate a little thats the truth . sometimes i hope , my dear , and sometimes i  quite despair , but nearly . i get , said richard , relinquishing my hand gently and walking across the room , so tired . he took a few turns up and down and sunk upon the sofa . i get , he repeated gloomily , so tired . it is such weary , work . he was leaning on his arm saying these words in a meditative voice and looking at the ground when my darling rose , put off her bonnet , kneeled down beside him with her golden hair falling like sunlight on his head , clasped her two arms round his neck , and turned her face to me . oh , what a loving and devoted face i saw . esther , dear , she said very quietly , i am not going home again . a light shone in upon me all at once . never any more . i am going to stay with my dear husband . we have been married above two months . go home without me , my own esther i shall never go home any more . with those words my darling drew his head down on her breast and held it there . and if ever in my life i saw a love that nothing but death could change , i saw it then before me . speak to esther , my dearest , said richard , breaking the silence presently . tell her how it was . i met her before she could come to me and folded her in my arms . we neither of us spoke , but with her cheek against my own i wanted to hear nothing . my pet , said i . my love . my poor , girl . i pitied her so much . i was very fond of richard , but the impulse that i had upon me was to pity her so much . esther , will you forgive me . will my cousin john forgive me . my dear , said i , to doubt it for a moment is to do him a great wrong . and as to me . why , as to me , what had i to forgive . i dried my sobbing darlings eyes and sat beside her on the sofa , and richard sat on my other side and while i was reminded of that so different night when they had first taken me into their confidence and had gone on in their own wild happy way , they told me between them how it was . all i had was richards , ada said and richard would not take it , esther , and what could i do but be his wife when i loved him dearly . and you were so fully and so kindly occupied , excellent dame durden , said richard , that how could we speak to you at such a time . and besides , it was not a long considered step . we went out one morning and were married . and when it was done , esther , said my darling , i was always thinking how to tell you and what to do for the best . and sometimes i thought you ought to know it directly , and sometimes i thought you ought not to know it and keep it from my cousin john and i could not tell what to do , and i fretted very much . how selfish i must have been not to have thought of this before . i dont know what i said now . i was so sorry , and yet i was so fond of them and so glad that they were fond of me i pitied them so much , and yet i felt a kind of pride in their loving one another . i never had experienced such painful and pleasurable emotion at one time , and in my own heart i did not know which predominated . but i was not there to darken their way i did not do that . when i was less foolish and more composed , my darling took her wedding ring from her bosom , and kissed it , and put it on . then i remembered last night and told richard that ever since her marriage she had worn it at night when there was no one to see . then ada blushingly asked me how did i know that , my dear . then i told ada how i had seen her hand concealed under her pillow and had little thought why , my dear . then they began telling me how it was all over again , and i began to be sorry and glad again , and foolish again , and to hide my plain old face as much as i could lest i should put them out of heart . thus the time went on until it became necessary for me to think of returning . when that time arrived it was the worst of all , for then my darling completely broke down . she clung round my neck , calling me by every dear name she could think of and saying what should she do without me . nor was richard much better and as for me , i should have been the worst of the three if i had not severely said to myself , now esther , if you do , ill never speak to you again . why , i declare , said i , never saw such a wife . i dont think she loves her husband at all . here , richard , take my child , for goodness sake . but i held her tight all the while , and could have wept over her i dont know how long . i give this dear young couple notice , said i , that i am only going away to come back to morrow and that i shall be always coming backwards and forwards until symonds inn is tired of the sight of me . so i shall not say good bye, , richard . for what would be the use of that , you know , when i am coming back so soon . i had given my darling to him now , and i meant to go but i lingered for one more look of the precious face which it seemed to rive my heart to turn from . so i said that unless they gave me some encouragement to come back , i was not sure that i could take that liberty , upon which my dear girl looked up , faintly smiling through her tears , and i folded her lovely face between my hands , and gave it one last kiss , and laughed , and ran away . and when i got downstairs , oh , how i cried . it almost seemed to me that i had lost my ada for ever . i was so lonely and so blank without her , and it was so desolate to be going home with no hope of seeing her there , that i could get no comfort for a little while as i walked up and down in a dim corner sobbing and crying . i came to myself by and by , after a little scolding , and took a coach home . the poor boy whom i had found at st . albans had reappeared a short time before and was lying at the point of death indeed , was then dead , though i did not know it . my guardian had gone out to inquire about him and did not return to dinner . being quite alone , i cried a little again , though on the whole i dont think i behaved so very , ill . it was only natural that i should not be quite accustomed to the loss of my darling yet . three or four hours were not a long time after years . but my mind dwelt so much upon the uncongenial scene in which i had left her , and i pictured it as such an overshadowed stony hearted one , and i so longed to be near her and taking some sort of care of her , that i determined to go back in the evening only to look up at her windows . it was foolish , i dare say , but it did not then seem at all so to me , and it does not seem quite so even now . i took charley into my confidence , and we went out at dusk . it was dark when we came to the new strange home of my dear girl , and there was a light behind the yellow blinds . we walked past cautiously three or four times , looking up , and narrowly missed encountering mr . vholes , who came out of his office while we were there and turned his head to look up too before going home . the sight of his lank black figure and the lonesome air of that nook in the dark were favourable to the state of my mind . i thought of the youth and love and beauty of my dear girl , shut up in such an ill assorted refuge , almost as if it were a cruel place . it was very solitary and very dull , and i did not doubt that i might safely steal upstairs . i left charley below and went up with a light foot , not distressed by any glare from the feeble oil lanterns on the way . i listened for a few moments , and in the musty rotting silence of the house believed that i could hear the murmur of their young voices . i put my lips to the hearse like panel of the door as a kiss for my dear and came quietly down again , thinking that one of these days i would confess to the visit . and it really did me good , for though nobody but charley and i knew anything about it , i somehow felt as if it had diminished the separation between ada and me and had brought us together again for those moments . i went back , not quite accustomed yet to the change , but all the better for that hovering about my darling . my guardian had come home and was standing thoughtfully by the dark window . when i went in , his face cleared and he came to his seat , but he caught the light upon my face as i took mine . little woman , said he , you have been crying . why , yes , guardian , said i , am afraid i have been , a little . ada has been in such distress , and is so very sorry , guardian . i put my arm on the back of his chair , and i saw in his glance that my words and my look at her empty place had prepared him . is she married , my dear . i told him all about it and how her first entreaties had referred to his forgiveness . she has no need of it , said he . heaven bless her and her husband . but just as my first impulse had been to pity her , so was his . poor girl , poor girl . poor rick . poor ada . neither of us spoke after that , until he said with a sigh , well , my dear . bleak house is thinning fast . but its mistress remains , guardian . though i was timid about saying it , i ventured because of the sorrowful tone in which he had spoken . she will do all she can to make it happy , said i . she will succeed , my love . the letter had made no difference between us except that the seat by his side had come to be mine it made none now . he turned his old bright fatherly look upon me , laid his hand on my hand in his old way , and said again , she will succeed , my dear . nevertheless , bleak house is thinning fast , o little woman . i was sorry presently that this was all we said about that . i was rather disappointed . i feared i might not quite have been all i had meant to be since the letter and the answer . chapter lii obstinacy but one other day had intervened when , early in the morning as we were going to breakfast , mr . woodcourt came in haste with the astounding news that a terrible murder had been committed for which mr . george had been apprehended and was in custody . when he told us that a large reward was offered by sir leicester dedlock for the murderers apprehension , i did not in my first consternation understand why but a few more words explained to me that the murdered person was sir leicesters lawyer , and immediately my mothers dread of him rushed into my remembrance . this unforeseen and violent removal of one whom she had long watched and distrusted and who had long watched and distrusted her , one for whom she could have had few intervals of kindness , always dreading in him a dangerous and secret enemy , appeared so awful that my first thoughts were of her . how appalling to hear of such a death and be able to feel no pity . how dreadful to remember , perhaps , that she had sometimes even wished the old man away who was so swiftly hurried out of life . such crowding reflections , increasing the distress and fear i always felt when the name was mentioned , made me so agitated that i could scarcely hold my place at the table . i was quite unable to follow the conversation until i had a little time to recover . but when i came to myself and saw how shocked my guardian was and found that they were earnestly speaking of the suspected man and recalling every favourable impression we had formed of him out of the good we had known of him , my interest and my fears were so strongly aroused in his behalf that i was quite set up again . guardian , you dont think it possible that he is justly accused . my dear , i cant think so . this man whom we have seen so open hearted and compassionate , who with the might of a giant has the gentleness of a child , who looks as brave a fellow as ever lived and is so simple and quiet with it , this man justly accused of such a crime . i cant believe it . its not that i dont or i wont . i cant . and i cant , said mr . woodcourt . still , whatever we believe or know of him , we had better not forget that some appearances are against him . he bore an animosity towards the deceased gentleman . he has openly mentioned it in many places . he is said to have expressed himself violently towards him , and he certainly did about him , to my knowledge . he admits that he was alone on the scene of the murder within a few minutes of its commission . i sincerely believe him to be as innocent of any participation in it as i am , but these are all reasons for suspicion falling upon him . true , said my guardian . and he added , turning to me , it would be doing him a very bad service , my dear , to shut our eyes to the truth in any of these respects . i felt , of course , that we must admit , not only to ourselves but to others , the full force of the circumstances against him . yet i knew withal that their weight would not induce us to desert him in his need . heaven forbid . returned my guardian . we will stand by him , as he himself stood by the two poor creatures who are gone . he meant mr . gridley and the boy , to both of whom mr . george had given shelter . mr . woodcourt then told us that the troopers man had been with him before day , after wandering about the streets all night like a distracted creature . that one of the troopers first anxieties was that we should not suppose him guilty . that he had charged his messenger to represent his perfect innocence with every solemn assurance he could send us . that mr . woodcourt had only quieted the man by undertaking to come to our house very early in the morning with these representations . he added that he was now upon his way to see the prisoner himself . my guardian said directly he would go too . now , besides that i liked the retired soldier very much and that he liked me , i had that secret interest in what had happened which was only known to my guardian . i felt as if it came close and near to me . it seemed to become personally important to myself that the truth should be discovered and that no innocent people should be suspected , for suspicion , once run wild , might run wilder . in a word , i felt as if it were my duty and obligation to go with them . my guardian did not seek to dissuade me , and i went . it was a large prison with many courts and passages so like one another and so uniformly paved that i seemed to gain a new comprehension , as i passed along , of the fondness that solitary prisoners , shut up among the same staring walls from year to year , have had  i have read  a weed or a stray blade of grass . in an arched room by himself , like a cellar upstairs , with walls so glaringly white that they made the massive iron window bars and iron bound door even more profoundly black than they were , we found the trooper standing in a corner . he had been sitting on a bench there and had risen when he heard the locks and bolts turn . when he saw us , he came forward a step with his usual heavy tread , and there stopped and made a slight bow . but as i still advanced , putting out my hand to him , he understood us in a moment . this is a load off my mind , i do assure you , miss and gentlemen , said he , saluting us with great heartiness and drawing a long breath . and now i dont so much care how it ends . he scarcely seemed to be the prisoner . what with his coolness and his soldierly bearing , he looked far more like the prison guard . this is even a rougher place than my gallery to receive a lady in , said mr . george , but i know miss summerson will make the best of it . as he handed me to the bench on which he had been sitting , i sat down , which seemed to give him great satisfaction . i thank you , miss , said he . now , george , observed my guardian , as we require no new assurances on your part , so i believe we need give you none on ours . not at all , sir . i thank you with all my heart . if i was not innocent of this crime , i couldnt look at you and keep my secret to myself under the condescension of the present visit . i feel the present visit very much . i am not one of the eloquent sort , but i feel it , miss summerson and gentlemen , deeply . he laid his hand for a moment on his broad chest and bent his head to us . although he squared himself again directly , he expressed a great amount of natural emotion by these simple means . first , said my guardian , can we do anything for your personal comfort , george . for which , sir . he inquired , clearing his throat . for your personal comfort . is there anything you want that would lessen the hardship of this confinement . well , sir , replied george , after a little cogitation , i am equally obliged to you , but tobacco being against the rules , i cant say that there is . you will think of many little things perhaps , by and by . whenever you do , george , let us know . thank you , sir . howsoever , observed mr . george with one of his sunburnt smiles , a man who has been knocking about the world in a vagabond kind of a way as long as i have gets on well enough in a place like the present , so far as that goes . next , as to your case , observed my guardian . exactly so , sir , returned mr . george , folding his arms upon his breast with perfect self possession and a little curiosity . how does it stand now . why , sir , it is under remand at present . bucket gives me to understand that he will probably apply for a series of remands from time to time until the case is more complete . how it is to be made more complete i dont myself see , but i dare say bucket will manage it somehow . why , heaven save us , man , exclaimed my guardian , surprised into his old oddity and vehemence , you talk of yourself as if you were somebody else . no offence , sir , said mr . george . i am very sensible of your kindness . but i dont see how an innocent man is to make up his mind to this kind of thing without knocking his head against the walls unless he takes it in that point of view . that is true enough to a certain extent , returned my guardian , softened . but my good fellow , even an innocent man must take ordinary precautions to defend himself . certainly , sir . and i have done so . i have stated to the magistrates , gentlemen , i am as innocent of this charge as yourselves what has been stated against me in the way of facts is perfectly true i know no more about it . i intend to continue stating that , sir . what more can i do . its the truth . but the mere truth wont do , rejoined my guardian . wont it indeed , sir . rather a bad look out for me . mr . george good humouredly observed . you must have a lawyer , pursued my guardian . we must engage a good one for you . i ask your pardon , sir , said mr . george with a step backward . i am equally obliged . but i must decidedly beg to be excused from anything of that sort . you wont have a lawyer . no , sir . mr . george shook his head in the most emphatic manner . i thank you all the same , sir , but  lawyer . why not . i dont take kindly to the breed , said mr . george . gridley didnt . and  youll excuse my saying so much  should hardly have thought you did yourself , sir . thats equity , my guardian explained , a little at a loss thats equity , george . is it , indeed , sir . returned the trooper in his off hand manner . i am not acquainted with those shades of names myself , but in a general way i object to the breed . unfolding his arms and changing his position , he stood with one massive hand upon the table and the other on his hip , as complete a picture of a man who was not to be moved from a fixed purpose as ever i saw . it was in vain that we all three talked to him and endeavoured to persuade him he listened with that gentleness which went so well with his bluff bearing , but was evidently no more shaken by our representations that his place of confinement was . pray think , once more , mr . george , said i . have you no wish in reference to your case . i certainly could wish it to be tried , miss , he returned , by court martial but that is out of the question , as i am well aware . if you will be so good as to favour me with your attention for a couple of minutes , miss , not more , ill endeavour to explain myself as clearly as i can . he looked at us all three in turn , shook his head a little as if he were adjusting it in the stock and collar of a tight uniform , and after a moments reflection went on . you see , miss , i have been handcuffed and taken into custody and brought here . i am a marked and disgraced man , and here i am . my shooting gallery is rummaged , high and low , by bucket such property as i have  small  turned this way and that till it dont know itself and here i am . i dont particular complain of that . though i am in these present quarters through no immediately preceding fault of mine , i can very well understand that if i hadnt gone into the vagabond way in my youth , this wouldnt have happened . it has happened . then comes the question how to meet it . he rubbed his swarthy forehead for a moment with a good humoured look and said apologetically , i am such a short winded talker that i must think a bit . having thought a bit , he looked up again and resumed . how to meet it . now , the unfortunate deceased was himself a lawyer and had a pretty tight hold of me . i dont wish to rake up his ashes , but he had , what i should call if he was living , a devil of a tight hold of me . i dont like his trade the better for that . if i had kept clear of his trade , i should have kept outside this place . but thats not what i mean . now , suppose i had killed him . suppose i really had discharged into his body any one of those pistols recently fired off that bucket has found at my place , and dear me , might have found there any day since it has been my place . what should i have done as soon as i was hard and fast here . got a lawyer . he stopped on hearing some one at the locks and bolts and did not resume until the door had been opened and was shut again . for what purpose opened , i will mention presently . i should have got a lawyer , and he would have said as i have often read in the newspapers , my client says nothing , my client reserves his defence my client this , that , and tother . well , tis not the custom of that breed to go straight , according to my opinion , or to think that other men do . say i am innocent and i get a lawyer . he would be as likely to believe me guilty as not perhaps more . what would he do , whether or not . act as if i was  my mouth up , tell me not to commit myself , keep circumstances back , chop the evidence small , quibble , and get me off perhaps . but , miss summerson , do i care for getting off in that way or would i rather be hanged in my own way  youll excuse my mentioning anything so disagreeable to a lady . he had warmed into his subject now , and was under no further necessity to wait a bit . i would rather be hanged in my own way . and i mean to be . i dont intend to say , looking round upon us with his powerful arms akimbo and his dark eyebrows raised , that i am more partial to being hanged than another man . what i say is , i must come off clear and full or not at all . therefore , when i hear stated against me what is true , i say its true and when they tell me , whatever you say will be used , i tell them i dont mind that i mean it to be used . if they cant make me innocent out of the whole truth , they are not likely to do it out of anything less , or anything else . and if they are , its worth nothing to me . taking a pace or two over the stone floor , he came back to the table and finished what he had to say . i thank you , miss and gentlemen both , many times for your attention , and many times more for your interest . thats the plain state of the matter as it points itself out to a mere trooper with a blunt broadsword kind of a mind . i have never done well in life beyond my duty as a soldier , and if the worst comes after all , i shall reap pretty much as i have sown . when i got over the first crash of being seized as a murderer  dont take a rover who has knocked about so much as myself so very long to recover from a crash  worked my way round to what you find me now . as such i shall remain . no relations will be disgraced by me or made unhappy for me , and  thats all ive got to say . the door had been opened to admit another soldier looking man of less prepossessing appearance at first sight and a weather tanned, , bright eyed wholesome woman with a basket , who , from her entrance , had been exceedingly attentive to all mr . george had said . mr . george had received them with a familiar nod and a friendly look , but without any more particular greeting in the midst of his address . he now shook them cordially by the hand and said , miss summerson and gentlemen , this is an old comrade of mine , matthew bagnet . and this is his wife , mrs . bagnet . mr . bagnet made us a stiff military bow , and mrs . bagnet dropped us a curtsy . real good friends of mine , they are , sald mr . george . it was at their house i was taken . with a second hand wiolinceller , mr . bagnet put in , twitching his head angrily . of a good tone . for a friend . that money was no object to . mat , said mr . george , you have heard pretty well all i have been saying to this lady and these two gentlemen . i know it meets your approval . mr . bagnet , after considering , referred the point to his wife . old girl , said he . tell him . whether or not . it meets my approval . why , george , exclaimed mrs . bagnet , who had been unpacking her basket , in which there was a piece of cold pickled pork , a little tea and sugar , and a brown loaf , you ought to know it dont . you ought to know its enough to drive a person wild to hear you . you wont be got off this way , and you wont be got off that way  do you mean by such picking and choosing . its stuff and nonsense , george . dont be severe upon me in my misfortunes , mrs . bagnet , said the trooper lightly . oh . bother your misfortunes , cried mrs . bagnet , if they dont make you more reasonable than that comes to . i never was so ashamed in my life to hear a man talk folly as i have been to hear you talk this day to the present company . lawyers . why , what but too many cooks should hinder you from having a dozen lawyers if the gentleman recommended them to you . this is a very sensible woman , said my guardian . i hope you will persuade him , mrs . bagnet . persuade him , sir . she returned . lord bless you , no . you dont know george . now , there . mrs . bagnet left her basket to point him out with both her bare brown hands . there he stands . as self willed and as determined a man , in the wrong way , as ever put a human creature under heaven out of patience . you could as soon take up and shoulder an eight and forty pounder by your own strength as turn that man when he has got a thing into his head and fixed it there . why , dont i know him . cried mrs . bagnet . dont i know you , george . you dont mean to set up for a new character with me after all these years , i hope . her friendly indignation had an exemplary effect upon her husband , who shook his head at the trooper several times as a silent recommendation to him to yield . between whiles , mrs . bagnet looked at me and i understood from the play of her eyes that she wished me to do something , though i did not comprehend what . but i have given up talking to you , old fellow , years and years , said mrs . bagnet as she blew a little dust off the pickled pork , looking at me again and when ladies and gentlemen know you as well as i do , theyll give up talking to you too . if you are not too headstrong to accept of a bit of dinner , here it is . i accept it with many thanks , returned the trooper . do you though , indeed . said mrs . bagnet , continuing to grumble on good humouredly . im sure im surprised at that . i wonder you dont starve in your own way also . it would only be like you . perhaps youll set your mind upon that next . here she again looked at me , and i now perceived from her glances at the door and at me , by turns , that she wished us to retire and to await her following us outside the prison . communicating this by similar means to my guardian and mr . woodcourt , i rose . we hope you will think better of it , mr . george , said i , and we shall come to see you again , trusting to find you more reasonable . more grateful , miss summerson , you cant find me , he returned . but more persuadable we can , i hope , said i . and let me entreat you to consider that the clearing up of this mystery and the discovery of the real perpetrator of this deed may be of the last importance to others besides yourself . he heard me respectfully but without much heeding these words , which i spoke a little turned from him , already on my way to the door he was observing my height and figure , which seemed to catch his attention all at once . tis curious , said he . and yet i thought so at the time . my guardian asked him what he meant . why , sir , he answered , when my ill fortune took me to the dead mans staircase on the night of his murder , i saw a shape so like miss summersons go by me in the dark that i had half a mind to speak to it . for an instant i felt such a shudder as i never felt before or since and hope i shall never feel again . it came downstairs as i went up , said the trooper , and crossed the moonlighted window with a loose black mantle on i noticed a deep fringe to it . however , it has nothing to do with the present subject , excepting that miss summerson looked so like it at the moment that it came into my head . i cannot separate and define the feelings that arose in me after this it is enough that the vague duty and obligation i had felt upon me from the first of following the investigation was , without my distinctly daring to ask myself any question , increased , and that i was indignantly sure of there being no possibility of a reason for my being afraid . we three went out of the prison and walked up and down at some short distance from the gate , which was in a retired place . we had not waited long when mr . and mrs . bagnet came out too and quickly joined us . there was a tear in each of mrs . bagnets eyes , and her face was flushed and hurried . i didnt let george see what i thought about it , you know , miss , was her first remark when she came up , but hes in a bad way , poor old fellow . not with care and prudence and good help , said my guardian . a gentleman like you ought to know best , sir , returned mrs . bagnet , hurriedly drying her eyes on the hem of her grey cloak , but i am uneasy for him . he has been so careless and said so much that he never meant . the gentlemen of the juries might not understand him as lignum and me do . and then such a number of circumstances have happened bad for him , and such a number of people will be brought forward to speak against him , and bucket is so deep . with a second hand wiolinceller . and said he played the fife . when a boy , mr . bagnet added with great solemnity . now , i tell you , miss , said mrs . bagnet and when i say miss , i mean all . just come into the corner of the wall and ill tell you . mrs . bagnet hurried us into a more secluded place and was at first too breathless to proceed , occasioning mr . bagnet to say , old girl . tell em . why , then , miss , the old girl proceeded , untying the strings of her bonnet for more air , you could as soon move dover castle as move george on this point unless you had got a new power to move him with . and i have got it . you are a jewel of a woman , said my guardian . go on . now , i tell you , miss , she proceeded , clapping her hands in her hurry and agitation a dozen times in every sentence , that what he says concerning no relations is all bosh . they dont know of him , but he does know of them . he has said more to me at odd times than to anybody else , and it warnt for nothing that he once spoke to my woolwich about whitening and wrinkling mothers heads . for fifty pounds he had seen his mother that day . shes alive and must be brought here straight . instantly mrs . bagnet put some pins into her mouth and began pinning up her skirts all round a little higher than the level of her grey cloak , which she accomplished with surpassing dispatch and dexterity . lignum , said mrs . bagnet , you take care of the children , old man , and give me the umbrella . im away to lincolnshire to bring that old lady here . but , bless the woman , cried my guardian with his hand in his pocket , how is she going . what money has she got . mrs . bagnet made another application to her skirts and brought forth a leathern purse in which she hastily counted over a few shillings and which she then shut up with perfect satisfaction . never you mind for me , miss . im a soldiers wife and accustomed to travel my own way . lignum , old boy , kissing him , one for yourself , three for the children . now im away into lincolnshire after georges mother . and she actually set off while we three stood looking at one another lost in amazement . she actually trudged away in her grey cloak at a sturdy pace , and turned the corner , and was gone . mr . bagnet , said my guardian . do you mean to let her go in that way . cant help it , he returned . made her way home once from another quarter of the world . with the same grey cloak . and same umbrella . whatever the old girl says , do . do it . whenever the old girl says , ill do it . she does it . then she is as honest and genuine as she looks , rejoined my guardian , and it is impossible to say more for her . shes colour sergeant of the nonpareil battalion , said mr . bagnet , looking at us over his shoulder as he went his way also . and theres not such another . but i never own to it before her . discipline must be maintained . chapter liii the track mr . bucket and his fat forefinger are much in consultation together under existing circumstances . when mr . bucket has a matter of this pressing interest under his consideration , the fat forefinger seems to rise , to the dignity of a familiar demon . he puts it to his ears , and it whispers information he puts it to his lips , and it enjoins him to secrecy he rubs it over his nose , and it sharpens his scent he shakes it before a guilty man , and it charms him to his destruction . the augurs of the detective temple invariably predict that when mr . bucket and that finger are in much conference , a terrible avenger will be heard of before long . otherwise mildly studious in his observation of human nature , on the whole a benignant philosopher not disposed to be severe upon the follies of mankind , mr . bucket pervades a vast number of houses and strolls about an infinity of streets , to outward appearance rather languishing for want of an object . he is in the friendliest condition towards his species and will drink with most of them . he is free with his money , affable in his manners , innocent in his conversation  through the placid stream of his life there glides an under current of forefinger . time and place cannot bind mr . bucket . like man in the abstract , he is here to day and gone to morrow , very unlike man indeed , he is here again the next day . this evening he will be casually looking into the iron extinguishers at the door of sir leicester dedlocks house in town and to morrow morning he will be walking on the leads at chesney wold , where erst the old man walked whose ghost is propitiated with a hundred guineas . drawers , desks , pockets , all things belonging to him , mr . bucket examines . a few hours afterwards , he and the roman will be alone together comparing forefingers . it is likely that these occupations are irreconcilable with home enjoyment , but it is certain that mr . bucket at present does not go home . though in general he highly appreciates the society of mrs . bucket  lady of a natural detective genius , which if it had been improved by professional exercise , might have done great things , but which has paused at the level of a clever amateur  holds himself aloof from that dear solace . mrs . bucket is dependent on their lodger for companionship and conversation . a great crowd assembles in lincolns inn fields on the day of the funeral . sir leicester dedlock attends the ceremony in person strictly speaking , there are only three other human followers , that is to say , lord doodle , william buffy , and the debilitated cousin but the amount of inconsolable carriages is immense . the peerage contributes more four wheeled affliction than has ever been seen in that neighbourhood . such is the assemblage of armorial bearings on coach panels that the heralds college might be supposed to have lost its father and mother at a blow . the duke of foodle sends a splendid pile of dust and ashes , with silver wheel boxes, , patent axles , all the last improvements , and three bereaved worms , six feet high , holding on behind , in a bunch of woe . all the state coachmen in london seem plunged into mourning and if that dead old man of the rusty garb be not beyond a taste in horseflesh it must be highly gratified this day . quiet among the undertakers and the equipages and the calves of so many legs all steeped in grief , mr . bucket sits concealed in one of the inconsolable carriages and at his ease surveys the crowd through the lattice blinds . he has a keen eye for a crowd  for what not . looking here and there , now from this side of the carriage , now from the other , now up at the house windows , now along the peoples heads , nothing escapes him . and there you are , my partner , eh . says mr . bucket to himself , apostrophizing mrs . bucket , stationed , by his favour , on the steps of the deceaseds house . and so you are . and so you are . and very well indeed you are looking , mrs . bucket . the procession has not started yet , but is waiting for the cause of its assemblage to be brought out . mr . bucket , in the foremost emblazoned carriage , uses his two fat forefingers to hold the lattice a hairs breadth open while he looks . and it says a great deal for his attachment , as a husband , that he is still occupied with mrs . b . there you are , my partner , eh . he murmuringly repeats . and our lodger with you . im taking notice of you , mrs . bucket i hope youre all right in your health , my dear . not another word does mr . bucket say , but sits with most attentive eyes until the sacked depository of noble secrets is brought down  are all those secrets now . does he keep them yet . did they fly with him on that sudden journey . until the procession moves , and mr . buckets view is changed . after which he composes himself for an easy ride and takes note of the fittings of the carriage in case he should ever find such knowledge useful . contrast enough between mr . tulkinghorn shut up in his dark carriage and mr . bucket shut up in his . between the immeasurable track of space beyond the little wound that has thrown the one into the fixed sleep which jolts so heavily over the stones of the streets , and the narrow track of blood which keeps the other in the watchful state expressed in every hair of his head . but it is all one to both neither is troubled about that . mr . bucket sits out the procession in his own easy manner and glides from the carriage when the opportunity he has settled with himself arrives . he makes for sir leicester dedlocks , which is at present a sort of home to him , where he comes and goes as he likes at all hours , where he is always welcome and made much of , where he knows the whole establishment , and walks in an atmosphere of mysterious greatness . no knocking or ringing for mr . bucket . he has caused himself to be provided with a key and can pass in at his pleasure . as he is crossing the hall , mercury informs him , heres another letter for you , mr . bucket , come by post , and gives it him . another one , eh . says mr . bucket . if mercury should chance to be possessed by any lingering curiosity as to mr . buckets letters , that wary person is not the man to gratify it . mr . bucket looks at him as if his face were a vista of some miles in length and he were leisurely contemplating the same . do you happen to carry a box . says mr . bucket . unfortunately mercury is no snuff taker . could you fetch me a pinch from anywheres . says mr . bucket . thankee . it dont matter what it is im not particular as to the kind . thankee . having leisurely helped himself from a canister borrowed from somebody downstairs for the purpose , and having made a considerable show of tasting it , first with one side of his nose and then with the other , mr . bucket , with much deliberation , pronounces it of the right sort and goes on , letter in hand . now although mr . bucket walks upstairs to the little library within the larger one with the face of a man who receives some scores of letters every day , it happens that much correspondence is not incidental to his life . he is no great scribe , rather handling his pen like the pocket staff he carries about with him always convenient to his grasp , and discourages correspondence with himself in others as being too artless and direct a way of doing delicate business . further , he often sees damaging letters produced in evidence and has occasion to reflect that it was a green thing to write them . for these reasons he has very little to do with letters , either as sender or receiver . and yet he has received a round half dozen within the last twenty four hours . and this , says mr . bucket , spreading it out on the table , is in the same hand , and consists of the same two words . what two words . he turns the key in the door , ungirdles his black pocket book book of fate to many , lays another letter by it , and reads , boldly written in each , lady dedlock . yes , says mr . bucket . but i could have made the money without this anonymous information . having put the letters in his book of fate and girdled it up again , he unlocks the door just in time to admit his dinner , which is brought upon a goodly tray with a decanter of sherry . mr . bucket frequently observes , in friendly circles where there is no restraint , that he likes a toothful of your fine old brown east inder sherry better than anything you can offer him . consequently he fills and empties his glass with a smack of his lips and is proceeding with his refreshment when an idea enters his mind . mr . bucket softly opens the door of communication between that room and the next and looks in . the library is deserted , and the fire is sinking low . mr . buckets eye , after taking a pigeon flight round the room , alights upon a table where letters are usually put as they arrive . several letters for sir leicester are upon it . mr . bucket draws near and examines the directions . no , he says , theres none in that hand . its only me as is written to . i can break it to sir leicester dedlock , baronet , to morrow . with that he returns to finish his dinner with a good appetite , and after a light nap , is summoned into the drawing room . sir leicester has received him there these several evenings past to know whether he has anything to report . the debilitated cousin much exhausted by the funeral and volumnia are in attendance . mr . bucket makes three distinctly different bows to these three people . a bow of homage to sir leicester , a bow of gallantry to volumnia , and a bow of recognition to the debilitated cousin , to whom it airily says , you are a swell about town , and you know me , and i know you . having distributed these little specimens of his tact , mr . bucket rubs his hands . have you anything new to communicate , officer . inquires sir leicester . do you wish to hold any conversation with me in private . why  to night, , sir leicester dedlock , baronet . because my time , pursues sir leicester , is wholly at your disposal with a view to the vindication of the outraged majesty of the law . mr . bucket coughs and glances at volumnia , rouged and necklaced , as though he would respectfully observe , i do assure you , youre a pretty creetur . ive seen hundreds worse looking at your time of life , i have indeed . the fair volumnia , not quite unconscious perhaps of the humanizing influence of her charms , pauses in the writing of cocked hat notes and meditatively adjusts the pearl necklace . mr . bucket prices that decoration in his mind and thinks it as likely as not that volumnia is writing poetry . if i have not , pursues sir leicester , in the most emphatic manner , adjured you , officer , to exercise your utmost skill in this atrocious case , i particularly desire to take the present opportunity of rectifying any omission i may have made . let no expense be a consideration . i am prepared to defray all charges . you can incur none in pursuit of the object you have undertaken that i shall hesitate for a moment to bear . mr . bucket made sir leicesters bow again as a response to this liberality . my mind , sir leicester adds with a generous warmth , has not , as may be easily supposed , recovered its tone since the late diabolical occurrence . it is not likely ever to recover its tone . but it is full of indignation to night after undergoing the ordeal of consigning to the tomb the remains of a faithful , a zealous , a devoted adherent . sir leicesters voice trembles and his grey hair stirs upon his head . tears are in his eyes the best part of his nature is aroused . i declare , he says , i solemnly declare that until this crime is discovered and , in the course of justice , punished , i almost feel as if there were a stain upon my name . a gentleman who has devoted a large portion of his life to me , a gentleman who has devoted the last day of his life to me , a gentleman who has constantly sat at my table and slept under my roof , goes from my house to his own , and is struck down within an hour of his leaving my house . i cannot say but that he may have been followed from my house , watched at my house , even first marked because of his association with my house  may have suggested his possessing greater wealth and being altogether of greater importance than his own retiring demeanour would have indicated . if i cannot with my means and influence and my position bring all the perpetrators of such a crime to light , i fail in the assertion of my respect for that gentlemans memory and of my fidelity towards one who was ever faithful to me . while he makes this protestation with great emotion and earnestness , looking round the room as if he were addressing an assembly , mr . bucket glances at him with an observant gravity in which there might be , but for the audacity of the thought , a touch of compassion . the ceremony of to day, , continues sir leicester , strikingly illustrative of the respect in which my deceased friend  lays a stress upon the word , for death levels all distinctions  held by the flower of the land , has , i say , aggravated the shock i have received from this most horrible and audacious crime . if it were my brother who had committed it , i would not spare him . mr . bucket looks very grave . volumnia remarks of the deceased that he was the trustiest and dearest person . you must feel it as a deprivation to you , miss , replies mr . bucket soothingly , no doubt . he was calculated to be a deprivation , im sure he was . volumnia gives mr . bucket to understand , in reply , that her sensitive mind is fully made up never to get the better of it as long as she lives , that her nerves are unstrung for ever , and that she has not the least expectation of ever smiling again . meanwhile she folds up a cocked hat for that redoubtable old general at bath , descriptive of her melancholy condition . it gives a start to a delicate female , says mr . bucket sympathetically , but itll wear off . volumnia wishes of all things to know what is doing . whether they are going to convict , or whatever it is , that dreadful soldier . whether he had any accomplices , or whatever the thing is called in the law . and a great deal more to the like artless purpose . why you see , miss , returns mr . bucket , bringing the finger into persuasive action  such is his natural gallantry that he had almost said my dear  aint easy to answer those questions at the present moment . not at the present moment . ive kept myself on this case , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , whom mr . bucket takes into the conversation in right of his importance , morning , noon , and night . but for a glass or two of sherry , i dont think i could have had my mind so much upon the stretch as it has been . i could answer your questions , miss , but duty forbids it . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , will very soon be made acquainted with all that has been traced . and i hope that he may find it  . bucket again looks grave  his satisfaction . the debilitated cousin only hopes some flerll be executed  . thinks more interests wanted  man hanged presentime  get man place ten thousand a year . hasnt a doubt  better hang wrong fler than no fler . you know life , you know , sir , says mr . bucket with a complimentary twinkle of his eye and crook of his finger , and you can confirm what ive mentioned to this lady . you dont want to be told that from information i have received i have gone to work . youre up to what a lady cant be expected to be up to . lord . especially in your elevated station of society , miss , says mr . bucket , quite reddening at another narrow escape from my dear . the officer , volumnia , observes sir leicester , is faithful to his duty , and perfectly right . mr . bucket murmurs , glad to have the honour of your approbation , sir leicester dedlock , baronet . in fact , volumnia , proceeds sir leicester , it is not holding up a good model for imitation to ask the officer any such questions as you have put to him . he is the best judge of his own responsibility he acts upon his responsibility . and it does not become us , who assist in making the laws , to impede or interfere with those who carry them into execution . or , says sir leicester somewhat sternly , for volumnia was going to cut in before he had rounded his sentence , or who vindicate their outraged majesty . volumnia with all humility explains that she had not merely the plea of curiosity to urge in common with the giddy youth of her sex in general but that she is perfectly dying with regret and interest for the darling man whose loss they all deplore . very well , volumnia , returns sir leicester . then you cannot be too discreet . mr . bucket takes the opportunity of a pause to be heard again . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , i have no objections to telling this lady , with your leave and among ourselves , that i look upon the case as pretty well complete . it is a beautiful case  beautiful case  what little is wanting to complete it , i expect to be able to supply in a few hours . i am very glad indeed to hear it , says sir leicester . highly creditable to you . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , returns mr . bucket very seriously , i hope it may at one and the same time do me credit and prove satisfactory to all . when i depict it as a beautiful case , you see , miss , mr . bucket goes on , glancing gravely at sir leicester , i mean from my point of view . as considered from other points of view , such cases will always involve more or less unpleasantness . very strange things comes to our knowledge in families , miss bless your heart , what you would think to be phenomenons , quite . volumnia , with her innocent little scream , supposes so . aye , and even in gen teel families , in high families , in great families , says mr . bucket , again gravely eyeing sir leicester aside . i have had the honour of being employed in high families before , and you have no idea  , ill go so far as to say not even you have any idea , sir , this to the debilitated cousin , what games goes on . the cousin , who has been casting sofa pillows on his head , in a prostration of boredom yawns , vayli , being the used up for very likely . sir leicester , deeming it time to dismiss the officer , here majestically interposes with the words , very good . thank you . and also with a wave of his hand , implying not only that there is an end of the discourse , but that if high families fall into low habits they must take the consequences . you will not forget , officer , he adds with condescension , that i am at your disposal when you please . mr . bucket inquires if to morrow morning , now , would suit , in case he should be as forard as he expects to be . sir leicester replies , all times are alike to me . mr . bucket makes his three bows and is withdrawing when a forgotten point occurs to him . might i ask , by the by , he says in a low voice , cautiously returning , who posted the reward bill on the staircase . i ordered it to be put up there , replies sir leicester . would it be considered a liberty , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , if i was to ask you why . not at all . i chose it as a conspicuous part of the house . i think it cannot be too prominently kept before the whole establishment . i wish my people to be impressed with the enormity of the crime , the determination to punish it , and the hopelessness of escape . at the same time , officer , if you in your better knowledge of the subject see any objection  mr . bucket sees none now the bill having been put up , had better not be taken down . repeating his three bows he withdraws , closing the door on volumnias little scream , which is a preliminary to her remarking that charmingly horrible person is a perfect blue chamber . in his fondness for society and his adaptability to all grades , mr . bucket is presently standing before the hall fire and warm on the early winter night  mercury . why , youre six foot two , i suppose . says mr . bucket . three , says mercury . are you so much . but then , you see , youre broad in proportion and dont look it . youre not one of the weak legged ones , you aint . was you ever modelled now . mr . bucket asks , conveying the expression of an artist into the turn of his eye and head . mercury never was modelled . then you ought to be , you know , says mr . bucket and a friend of mine that youll hear of one day as a royal academy sculptor would stand something handsome to make a drawing of your proportions for the marble . my ladys out , aint she . out to dinner . goes out pretty well every day , dont she . yes . not to be wondered at . says mr . bucket . such a fine woman as her , so handsome and so graceful and so elegant , is like a fresh lemon on a dinner table, , ornamental wherever she goes . was your father in the same way of life as yourself . answer in the negative . mine was , says mr . bucket . my father was first a page , then a footman , then a butler , then a steward , then an inn keeper . lived universally respected , and died lamented . said with his last breath that he considered service the most honourable part of his career , and so it was . ive a brother in service , and a brother in . my lady a good temper . mercury replies , as good as you can expect . ah . says mr . bucket . a little spoilt . a little capricious . lord . what can you anticipate when theyre so handsome as that . and we like em all the better for it , dont we . mercury , with his hands in the pockets of his bright peach blossom small clothes, , stretches his symmetrical silk legs with the air of a man of gallantry and cant deny it . come the roll of wheels and a violent ringing at the bell . talk of the angels , says mr . bucket . here she is . the doors are thrown open , and she passes through the hall . still very pale , she is dressed in slight mourning and wears two beautiful bracelets . either their beauty or the beauty of her arms is particularly attractive to mr . bucket . he looks at them with an eager eye and rattles something in his pocket  perhaps . noticing him at his distance , she turns an inquiring look on the other mercury who has brought her home . mr . bucket , my lady . mr . bucket makes a leg and comes forward , passing his familiar demon over the region of his mouth . are you waiting to see sir leicester . no , my lady , ive seen him . have you anything to say to me . not just at present , my lady . have you made any new discoveries . a few , my lady . this is merely in passing . she scarcely makes a stop , and sweeps upstairs alone . mr . bucket , moving towards the staircase foot, , watches her as she goes up the steps the old man came down to his grave , past murderous groups of statuary repeated with their shadowy weapons on the wall , past the printed bill , which she looks at going by , out of view . shes a lovely woman , too , she really is , says mr . bucket , coming back to mercury . dont look quite healthy though . is not quite healthy , mercury informs him . suffers much from headaches . really . thats a pity . walking , mr . bucket would recommend for that . well , she tries walking , mercury rejoins . walks sometimes for two hours when she has them bad . by night , too . are you sure youre quite so much as six foot three . asks mr . bucket . begging your pardon for interrupting you a moment . not a doubt about it . youre so well put together that i shouldnt have thought it . but the household troops , though considered fine men , are built so straggling . walks by night , does she . when its moonlight , though . oh , yes . when its moonlight . of course . oh , of course . conversational and acquiescent on both sides . i suppose you aint in the habit of walking yourself . says mr . bucket . not much time for it , i should say . besides which , mercury dont like it . prefers carriage exercise . to be sure , says mr . bucket . that makes a difference . now i think of it , says mr . bucket , warming his hands and looking pleasantly at the blaze , she went out walking the very night of this business . to be sure she did . i let her into the garden over the way . and left her there . certainly you did . i saw you doing it . i didnt see you , says mercury . i was rather in a hurry , returns mr . bucket , for i was going to visit a aunt of mine that lives at chelsea  door but two to the old original bun house  year old the old lady is , a single woman , and got a little property . yes , i chanced to be passing at the time . lets see . what time might it be . it wasnt ten . half past nine . youre right . so it was . and if i dont deceive myself , my lady was muffled in a loose black mantle , with a deep fringe to it . of course she was . of course she was . mr . bucket must return to a little work he has to get on with upstairs , but he must shake hands with mercury in acknowledgment of his agreeable conversation , and will he  is all he asks  he , when he has a leisure half hour, , think of bestowing it on that royal academy sculptor , for the advantage of both parties . chapter liv springing a mine refreshed by sleep , mr . bucket rises betimes in the morning and prepares for a field day . smartened up by the aid of a clean shirt and a wet hairbrush , with which instrument , on occasions of ceremony , he lubricates such thin locks as remain to him after his life of severe study , mr . bucket lays in a breakfast of two mutton chops as a foundation to work upon , together with tea , eggs , toast , and marmalade on a corresponding scale . having much enjoyed these strengthening matters and having held subtle conference with his familiar demon , he confidently instructs mercury just to mention quietly to sir leicester dedlock , baronet , that whenever hes ready for me , im ready for him . a gracious message being returned that sir leicester will expedite his dressing and join mr . bucket in the library within ten minutes , mr . bucket repairs to that apartment and stands before the fire with his finger on his chin , looking at the blazing coals . thoughtful mr . bucket is , as a man may be with weighty work to do , but composed , sure , confident . from the expression of his face he might be a famous whist player for a large stake  a hundred guineas certain  the game in his hand , but with a high reputation involved in his playing his hand out to the last card in a masterly way . not in the least anxious or disturbed is mr . bucket when sir leicester appears , but he eyes the baronet aside as he comes slowly to his easy chair with that observant gravity of yesterday in which there might have been yesterday , but for the audacity of the idea , a touch of compassion . i am sorry to have kept you waiting , officer , but i am rather later than my usual hour this morning . i am not well . the agitation and the indignation from which i have recently suffered have been too much for me . i am subject to  leicester was going to say indisposition and would have said it to anybody else , but mr . bucket palpably knows all about it  recent circumstances have brought it on . as he takes his seat with some difficulty and with an air of pain , mr . bucket draws a little nearer , standing with one of his large hands on the library table . i am not aware , officer , sir leicester observes raising his eyes to his face , whether you wish us to be alone , but that is entirely as you please . if you do , well and good . if not , miss dedlock would be interested  why , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , returns mr . bucket with his head persuasively on one side and his forefinger pendant at one ear like an earring , we cant be too private just at present . you will presently see that we cant be too private . a lady , under the circumstances , and especially in miss dedlocks elevated station of society , cant but be agreeable to me , but speaking without a view to myself , i will take the liberty of assuring you that i know we cant be too private . that is enough . so much so , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , mr . bucket resumes , that i was on the point of asking your permission to turn the key in the door . by all means . mr . bucket skilfully and softly takes that precaution , stooping on his knee for a moment from mere force of habit so to adjust the key in the lock as that no one shall peep in from the outerside . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , i mentioned yesterday evening that i wanted but a very little to complete this case . i have now completed it and collected proof against the person who did this crime . against the soldier . no , sir leicester dedlock not the soldier . sir leicester looks astounded and inquires , is the man in custody . mr . bucket tells him , after a pause , it was a woman . sir leicester leans back in his chair , and breathlessly ejaculates , good heaven . now , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , mr . bucket begins , standing over him with one hand spread out on the library table and the forefinger of the other in impressive use , its my duty to prepare you for a train of circumstances that may , and i go so far as to say that will , give you a shock . but sir leicester dedlock , baronet , you are a gentleman , and i know what a gentleman is and what a gentleman is capable of . a gentleman can bear a shock when it must come , boldly and steadily . a gentleman can make up his mind to stand up against almost any blow . why , take yourself , sir leicester dedlock , baronet . if theres a blow to be inflicted on you , naturally think of your family . you ask yourself , how would all them ancestors of yours , away to julius caesar  to go beyond him at present  borne that blow you remember scores of them that would have borne it well and you bear it well on their accounts , and to maintain the family credit . thats the way you argue , and thats the way you act , sir leicester dedlock , baronet . sir leicester , leaning back in his chair and grasping the elbows , sits looking at him with a stony face . now , sir leicester dedlock , proceeds mr . bucket , thus preparing you , let me beg of you not to trouble your mind for a moment as to anything having come to my knowledge . i know so much about so many characters , high and low , that a piece of information more or less dont signify a straw . i dont suppose theres a move on the board that would surprise me , and as to this or that move having taken place , why my knowing it is no odds at all , any possible move whatever being a probable move according to my experience . therefore , what i say to you , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , is , dont you go and let yourself be put out of the way because of my knowing anything of your family affairs . i thank you for your preparation , returns sir leicester after a silence , without moving hand , foot , or feature , which i hope is not necessary though i give it credit for being well intended . be so good as to go on . also  leicester seems to shrink in the shadow of his figure  , to take a seat , if you have no objection . none at all . mr . bucket brings a chair and diminishes his shadow . now , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , with this short preface i come to the point . lady dedlock  sir leicester raises himself in his seat and stares at him fiercely . mr . bucket brings the finger into play as an emollient . lady dedlock , you see shes universally admired . thats what her ladyship is shes universally admired , says mr . bucket . i would greatly prefer , officer , sir leicester returns stiffly , my ladys name being entirely omitted from this discussion . so would i , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , but  impossible . impossible . mr . bucket shakes his relentless head . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , its altogether impossible . what i have got to say is about her ladyship . she is the pivot it all turns on . officer , retorts sir leicester with a fiery eye and a quivering lip , you know your duty . do your duty , but be careful not to overstep it . i would not suffer it . i would not endure it . you bring my ladys name into this communication upon your responsibility  your responsibility . my ladys name is not a name for common persons to trifle with . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , i say what i must say , and no more . i hope it may prove so . very well . go on . go on , sir . glancing at the angry eyes which now avoid him and at the angry figure trembling from head to foot , yet striving to be still , mr . bucket feels his way with his forefinger and in a low voice proceeds . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , it becomes my duty to tell you that the deceased mr . tulkinghorn long entertained mistrusts and suspicions of lady dedlock . if he had dared to breathe them to me , sir  he never did  would have killed him myself . exclaims sir leicester , striking his hand upon the table . but in the very heat and fury of the act he stops , fixed by the knowing eyes of mr . bucket , whose forefinger is slowly going and who , with mingled confidence and patience , shakes his head . sir leicester dedlock , the deceased mr . tulkinghorn was deep and close , and what he fully had in his mind in the very beginning i cant quite take upon myself to say . but i know from his lips that he long ago suspected lady dedlock of having discovered , through the sight of some handwriting  this very house , and when you yourself , sir leicester dedlock , were present  existence , in great poverty , of a certain person who had been her lover before you courted her and who ought to have been her husband . mr . bucket stops and deliberately repeats , ought to have been her husband , not a doubt about it . i know from his lips that when that person soon afterwards died , he suspected lady dedlock of visiting his wretched lodging and his wretched grave , alone and in secret . i know from my own inquiries and through my eyes and ears that lady dedlock did make such visit in the dress of her own maid , for the deceased mr . tulkinghorn employed me to reckon up her ladyship  youll excuse my making use of the term we commonly employ  i reckoned her up , so far , completely . i confronted the maid in the chambers in lincolns inn fields with a witness who had been lady dedlocks guide , and there couldnt be the shadow of a doubt that she had worn the young womans dress , unknown to her . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , i did endeavour to pave the way a little towards these unpleasant disclosures yesterday by saying that very strange things happened even in high families sometimes . all this , and more , has happened in your own family , and to and through your own lady . its my belief that the deceased mr . tulkinghorn followed up these inquiries to the hour of his death and that he and lady dedlock even had bad blood between them upon the matter that very night . now , only you put that to lady dedlock , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , and ask her ladyship whether , even after he had left here , she didnt go down to his chambers with the intention of saying something further to him , dressed in a loose black mantle with a deep fringe to it . sir leicester sits like a statue , gazing at the cruel finger that is probing the life blood of his heart . you put that to her ladyship , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , from me , inspector bucket of the detective . and if her ladyship makes any difficulty about admitting of it , you tell her that its no use , that inspector bucket knows it and knows that she passed the soldier as you called him and knows that she knows she passed him on the staircase . now , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , why do i relate all this . sir leicester , who has covered his face with his hands , uttering a single groan , requests him to pause for a moment . by and by he takes his hands away , and so preserves his dignity and outward calmness , though there is no more colour in his face than in his white hair , that mr . bucket is a little awed by him . something frozen and fixed is upon his manner , over and above its usual shell of haughtiness , and mr . bucket soon detects an unusual slowness in his speech , with now and then a curious trouble in beginning , which occasions him to utter inarticulate sounds . with such sounds he now breaks silence , soon , however , controlling himself to say that he does not comprehend why a gentleman so faithful and zealous as the late mr . tulkinghorn should have communicated to him nothing of this painful , this distressing , this unlooked for, , this overwhelming , this incredible intelligence . again , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , returns mr . bucket , put it to her ladyship to clear that up . put it to her ladyship , if you think it right , from inspector bucket of the detective . youll find , or im much mistaken , that the deceased mr . tulkinghorn had the intention of communicating the whole to you as soon as he considered it ripe , and further , that he had given her ladyship so to understand . why , he might have been going to reveal it the very morning when i examined the body . you dont know what im going to say and do five minutes from this present time , sir leicester dedlock , baronet and supposing i was to be picked off now , you might wonder why i hadnt done it , dont you see . true . sir leicester , avoiding , with some trouble those obtrusive sounds , says , true . at this juncture a considerable noise of voices is heard in the hall . mr . bucket , after listening , goes to the library door, , softly unlocks and opens it , and listens again . then he draws in his head and whispers hurriedly but composedly , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , this unfortunate family affair has taken air , as i expected it might , the deceased mr . tulkinghorn being cut down so sudden . the chance to hush it is to let in these people now in a wrangle with your footmen . would you mind sitting quiet  the family account  i reckon em up . and would you just throw in a nod when i seem to ask you for it . sir leicester indistinctly answers , officer . the best you can , the best you can . and mr . bucket , with a nod and a sagacious crook of the forefinger , slips down into the hall , where the voices quickly die away . he is not long in returning a few paces ahead of mercury and a brother deity also powdered and in peach blossomed smalls , who bear between them a chair in which is an incapable old man . another man and two women come behind . directing the pitching of the chair in an affable and easy manner , mr . bucket dismisses the mercuries and locks the door again . sir leicester looks on at this invasion of the sacred precincts with an icy stare . now , perhaps you may know me , ladies and gentlemen , says mr . bucket in a confidential voice . i am inspector bucket of the detective , i am and this , producing the tip of his convenient little staff from his breast pocket, , is my authority . now , you wanted to see sir leicester dedlock , baronet . well . you do see him , and mind you , it aint every one as is admitted to that honour . your name , old gentleman , is smallweed thats what your name is i know it well . well , and you never heard any harm of it . cries mr . smallweed in a shrill loud voice . you dont happen to know why they killed the pig , do you . retorts mr . bucket with a steadfast look , but without loss of temper . no . why , they killed him , says mr . bucket , on account of his having so much cheek . dont you get into the same position , because it isnt worthy of you . you aint in the habit of conversing with a deaf person , are you . yes , snarls mr . smallweed , my wifes deaf . that accounts for your pitching your voice so high . but as she aint here just pitch it an octave or two lower , will you , and ill not only be obliged to you , but itll do you more credit , says mr . bucket . this other gentleman is in the preaching line , i think . name of chadband , mr . smallweed puts in , speaking henceforth in a much lower key . once had a friend and brother serjeant of the same name , says mr . bucket , offering his hand , and consequently feel a liking for it . mrs . chadband , no doubt . and mrs . snagsby , mr . smallweed introduces . husband a law stationer and a friend of my own , says mr . bucket . love him like a brother . now , whats up . do you mean what business have we come upon . mr . smallweed asks , a little dashed by the suddenness of this turn . ah . you know what i mean . let us hear what its all about in presence of sir leicester dedlock , baronet . come . mr . smallweed , beckoning mr . chadband , takes a moments counsel with him in a whisper . mr . chadband , expressing a considerable amount of oil from the pores of his forehead and the palms of his hands , says aloud , yes . you first . and retires to his former place . i was the client and friend of mr . tulkinghorn , pipes grandfather smallweed then i did business with him . i was useful to him , and he was useful to me . krook , dead and gone , was my brother in . he was own brother to a brimstone magpie  mrs . smallweed . i come into krooks property . i examined all his papers and all his effects . they was all dug out under my eyes . there was a bundle of letters belonging to a dead and gone lodger as was hid away at the back of a shelf in the side of lady janes bed  cats bed . he hid all manner of things away , everywheres . mr . tulkinghorn wanted em and got em , but i looked em over first . im a man of business , and i took a squint at em . they was letters from the lodgers sweetheart , and she signed honoria . dear me , thats not a common name , honoria , is it . theres no lady in this house that signs honoria is there . oh , no , i dont think so . oh , no , i dont think so . and not in the same hand , perhaps . oh , no , i dont think so . here mr . smallweed , seized with a fit of coughing in the midst of his triumph , breaks off to ejaculate , oh , dear me . oh , lord . im shaken all to pieces . now , when youre ready , says mr . bucket after awaiting his recovery , to come to anything that concerns sir leicester dedlock , baronet , here the gentleman sits , you know . havent i come to it , mr . bucket . cries grandfather smallweed . isnt the gentleman concerned yet . not with captain hawdon , and his ever affectionate honoria , and their child into the bargain . come , then , i want to know where those letters are . that concerns me , if it dont concern sir leicester dedlock . i will know where they are . i wont have em disappear so quietly . i handed em over to my friend and solicitor , mr . tulkinghorn , not to anybody else . why , he paid you for them , you know , and handsome too , says mr . bucket . i dont care for that . i want to know whos got em . and i tell you what we want  we all here want , mr . bucket . we want more painstaking and search making into this murder . we know where the interest and the motive was , and you have not done enough . if george the vagabond dragoon had any hand in it , he was only an accomplice , and was set on . you know what i mean as well as any man . now i tell you what , says mr . bucket , instantaneously altering his manner , coming close to him , and communicating an extraordinary fascination to the forefinger , i am damned if i am a going to have my case spoilt , or interfered with , or anticipated by so much as half a second of time by any human being in creation . you want more painstaking and search making . you do . do you see this hand , and do you think that i dont know the right time to stretch it out and put it on the arm that fired that shot . such is the dread power of the man , and so terribly evident it is that he makes no idle boast , that mr . smallweed begins to apologize . mr . bucket , dismissing his sudden anger , checks him . the advice i give you is , dont you trouble your head about the murder . thats my affair . you keep half an eye on the newspapers , and i shouldnt wonder if you was to read something about it before long , if you look sharp . i know my business , and thats all ive got to say to you on that subject . now about those letters . you want to know whos got em . i dont mind telling you . i have got em . is that the packet . mr . smallweed looks , with greedy eyes , at the little bundle mr . bucket produces from a mysterious part of his coat , and identifies it as the same . what have you got to say next . asks mr . bucket . now , dont open your mouth too wide , because you dont look handsome when you do it . i want five hundred pound . no , you dont you mean fifty , says mr . bucket humorously . it appears , however , that mr . smallweed means five hundred . that is , i am deputed by sir leicester dedlock , baronet , to consider this bit of business , says mr . bucket  leicester mechanically bows his head  you ask me to consider a proposal of five hundred pounds . why , its an unreasonable proposal . two fifty would be bad enough , but better than that . hadnt you better say two fifty . mr . smallweed is quite clear that he had better not . then , says mr . bucket , lets hear mr . chadband . lord . many a time ive heard my old fellow serjeant of that name and a moderate man he was in all respects , as ever i come across . thus invited , mr . chadband steps forth , and after a little sleek smiling and a little oil grinding with the palms of his hands , delivers himself as follows , my friends , we are now  , my wife , and i  the mansions of the rich and great . why are we now in the mansions of the rich and great , my friends . is it because we are invited . because we are bidden to feast with them , because we are bidden to rejoice with them , because we are bidden to play the lute with them , because we are bidden to dance with them . no . then why are we here , my friends . air we in possession of a sinful secret , and do we require corn , and wine , and oil , or what is much the same thing , money , for the keeping thereof . probably so , my friends . youre a man of business , you are , returns mr . bucket , very attentive , and consequently youre going on to mention what the nature of your secret is . you are right . you couldnt do better . let us then , my brother , in a spirit of love , says mr . chadband with a cunning eye , proceed unto it . rachael , my wife , advance . mrs . chadband , more than ready , so advances as to jostle her husband into the background and confronts mr . bucket with a hard , frowning smile . since you want to know what we know , says she , ill tell you . i helped to bring up miss hawdon , her ladyships daughter . i was in the service of her ladyships sister , who was very sensitive to the disgrace her ladyship brought upon her , and gave out , even to her ladyship , that the child was dead  was very nearly so  she was born . but shes alive , and i know her . with these words , and a laugh , and laying a bitter stress on the word ladyship , mrs . chadband folds her arms and looks implacably at mr . bucket . i suppose now , returns that officer , you will be expecting a twenty pound note or a present of about that figure . mrs . chadband merely laughs and contemptuously tells him he can offer twenty pence . my friend the law stationers good lady , over there , says mr . bucket , luring mrs . snagsby forward with the finger . what may your game be , maam . mrs . snagsby is at first prevented , by tears and lamentations , from stating the nature of her game , but by degrees it confusedly comes to light that she is a woman overwhelmed with injuries and wrongs , whom mr . snagsby has habitually deceived , abandoned , and sought to keep in darkness , and whose chief comfort , under her afflictions , has been the sympathy of the late mr . tulkinghorn , who showed so much commiseration for her on one occasion of his calling in cooks court in the absence of her perjured husband that she has of late habitually carried to him all her woes . everybody it appears , the present company excepted , has plotted against mrs . snagsbys peace . there is mr . guppy , clerk to kenge and carboy , who was at first as open as the sun at noon , but who suddenly shut up as close as midnight , under the influence  doubt  mr . snagsbys suborning and tampering . there is mr . weevle , friend of mr . guppy , who lived mysteriously up a court , owing to the like coherent causes . there was krook , deceased there was nimrod , deceased and there was jo , deceased and they were all in it . in what , mrs . snagsby does not with particularity express , but she knows that jo was mr . snagsbys son , as well as if a trumpet had spoken it , and she followed mr . snagsby when he went on his last visit to the boy , and if he was not his son why did he go . the one occupation of her life has been , for some time back , to follow mr . snagsby to and fro , and up and down , and to piece suspicious circumstances together  every circumstance that has happened has been most suspicious and in this way she has pursued her object of detecting and confounding her false husband , night and day . thus did it come to pass that she brought the chadbands and mr . tulkinghorn together , and conferred with mr . tulkinghorn on the change in mr . guppy , and helped to turn up the circumstances in which the present company are interested , casually , by the wayside , being still and ever on the great high road that is to terminate in mr . snagsbys full exposure and a matrimonial separation . all this , mrs . snagsby , as an injured woman , and the friend of mrs . chadband , and the follower of mr . chadband , and the mourner of the late mr . tulkinghorn , is here to certify under the seal of confidence , with every possible confusion and involvement possible and impossible , having no pecuniary motive whatever , no scheme or project but the one mentioned , and bringing here , and taking everywhere , her own dense atmosphere of dust , arising from the ceaseless working of her mill of jealousy . while this exordium is in hand  it takes some time  . bucket , who has seen through the transparency of mrs . snagsbys vinegar at a glance , confers with his familiar demon and bestows his shrewd attention on the chadbands and mr . smallweed . sir leicester dedlock remains immovable , with the same icy surface upon him , except that he once or twice looks towards mr . bucket , as relying on that officer alone of all mankind . very good , says mr . bucket . now i understand you , know , and being deputed by sir leicester dedlock , baronet , to look into this little matter , again sir leicester mechanically bows in confirmation of the statement , can give it my fair and full attention . now i wont allude to conspiring to extort money or anything of that sort , because we are men and women of the world here , and our object is to make things pleasant . but i tell you what i do wonder at i am surprised that you should think of making a noise below in the hall . it was so opposed to your interests . thats what i look at . we wanted to get in , pleads mr . smallweed . why , of course you wanted to get in , mr . bucket asserts with cheerfulness but for a old gentleman at your time of life  i call truly venerable , mind you . his wits sharpened , as i have no doubt they are , by the loss of the use of his limbs , which occasions all his animation to mount up into his head , not to consider that if he dont keep such a business as the present as close as possible it cant be worth a mag to him , is so curious . you see your temper got the better of you thats where you lost ground , says mr . bucket in an argumentative and friendly way . i only said i wouldnt go without one of the servants came up to sir leicester dedlock , returns mr . smallweed . thats it . thats where your temper got the better of you . now , you keep it under another time and youll make money by it . shall i ring for them to carry you down . when are we to hear more of this . mrs . chadband sternly demands . bless your heart for a true woman . always curious , your delightful sex is . replies mr . bucket with gallantry . i shall have the pleasure of giving you a call to morrow or next day  forgetting mr . smallweed and his proposal of two fifty . five hundred . exclaims mr . smallweed . all right . nominally five hundred . mr . bucket has his hand on the bell rope . shall i wish you good day for the present on the part of myself and the gentleman of the house . he asks in an insinuating tone . nobody having the hardihood to object to his doing so , he does it , and the party retire as they came up . mr . bucket follows them to the door , and returning , says with an air of serious business , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , its for you to consider whether or not to buy this up . i should recommend , on the whole , its being bought up myself and i think it may be bought pretty cheap . you see , that little pickled cowcumber of a mrs . snagsby has been used by all sides of the speculation and has done a deal more harm in bringing odds and ends together than if she had meant it . mr . tulkinghorn , deceased , he held all these horses in his hand and could have drove em his own way , i havent a doubt but he was fetched off the box head foremost, , and now they have got their legs over the traces , and are all dragging and pulling their own ways . so it is , and such is life . the cats away , and the mice they play the frost breaks up , and the water runs . now , with regard to the party to be apprehended . sir leicester seems to wake , though his eyes have been wide open , and he looks intently at mr . bucket as mr . bucket refers to his watch . the party to be apprehended is now in this house , proceeds mr . bucket , putting up his watch with a steady hand and with rising spirits , and im about to take her into custody in your presence . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , dont you say a word nor yet stir . therell be no noise and no disturbance at all . ill come back in the course of the evening , if agreeable to you , and endeavour to meet your wishes respecting this unfortunate family matter and the nobbiest way of keeping it quiet . now , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , dont you be nervous on account of the apprehension at present coming off . you shall see the whole case clear , from first to last . mr . bucket rings , goes to the door , briefly whispers mercury , shuts the door , and stands behind it with his arms folded . after a suspense of a minute or two the door slowly opens and a frenchwoman enters . mademoiselle hortense . the moment she is in the room mr . bucket claps the door to and puts his back against it . the suddenness of the noise occasions her to turn , and then for the first time she sees sir leicester dedlock in his chair . i ask you pardon , she mutters hurriedly . they tell me there was no one here . her step towards the door brings her front to front with mr . bucket . suddenly a spasm shoots across her face and she turns deadly pale . this is my lodger , sir leicester dedlock , says mr . bucket , nodding at her . this foreign young woman has been my lodger for some weeks back . what do sir leicester care for that , you think , my angel . returns mademoiselle in a jocular strain . why , my angel , returns mr . bucket , we shall see . mademoiselle hortense eyes him with a scowl upon her tight face , which gradually changes into a smile of scorn , you are very mysterieuse . are you drunk . tolerable sober , my angel , returns mr . bucket . i come from arriving at this so detestable house with your wife . your wife have left me since some minutes . they tell me downstairs that your wife is here . i come here , and your wife is not here . what is the intention of this fools play , say then . mademoiselle demands , with her arms composedly crossed , but with something in her dark cheek beating like a clock . mr . bucket merely shakes the finger at her . ah , my god , you are an unhappy idiot . cries mademoiselle with a toss of her head and a laugh . leave me to pass downstairs , great pig . with a stamp of her foot and a menace . now , mademoiselle , says mr . bucket in a cool determined way , you go and sit down upon that sofy . i will not sit down upon nothing , she replies with a shower of nods . now , mademoiselle , repeats mr . bucket , making no demonstration except with the finger , you sit down upon that sofy . why . because i take you into custody on a charge of murder , and you dont need to be told it . now , i want to be polite to one of your sex and a foreigner if i can . if i cant , i must be rough , and theres rougher ones outside . what i am to be depends on you . so i recommend you , as a friend , afore another half a blessed moment has passed over your head , to go and sit down upon that sofy . mademoiselle complies , saying in a concentrated voice while that something in her cheek beats fast and hard , you are a devil . now , you see , mr . bucket proceeds approvingly , youre comfortable and conducting yourself as i should expect a foreign young woman of your sense to do . so ill give you a piece of advice , and its this , dont you talk too much . youre not expected to say anything here , and you cant keep too quiet a tongue in your head . in short , the less you parlay , the better , you know . mr . bucket is very complacent over this french explanation . mademoiselle , with that tigerish expansion of the mouth and her black eyes darting fire upon him , sits upright on the sofa in a rigid state , with her hands clenched  her feet too , one might suppose  , oh , you bucket , you are a devil . now , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , says mr . bucket , and from this time forth the finger never rests , this young woman , my lodger , was her ladyships maid at the time i have mentioned to you and this young woman , besides being extraordinary vehement and passionate against her ladyship after being discharged  lie . cries mademoiselle . i discharge myself . now , why dont you take my advice . returns mr . bucket in an impressive , almost in an imploring , tone . im surprised at the indiscreetness you commit . youll say something thatll be used against you , know . youre sure to come to it . never you mind what i say till its given in evidence . it is not addressed to you . discharge , too , cries mademoiselle furiously , by her ladyship . eh , my faith , a pretty ladyship . why , i r r my character by remaining with a ladyship so infame . upon my soul i wonder at you . mr . bucket remonstrates . i thought the french were a polite nation , i did , really . yet to hear a female going on like that before sir leicester dedlock , baronet . he is a poor abused . cries mademoiselle . i spit upon his house , upon his name , upon his imbecility , all of which she makes the carpet represent . oh , that he is a great man . oh , yes , superb . oh , heaven . bah . well , sir leicester dedlock , proceeds mr . bucket , this intemperate foreigner also angrily took it into her head that she had established a claim upon mr . tulkinghorn , deceased , by attending on the occasion i told you of at his chambers , though she was liberally paid for her time and trouble . lie . cries mademoiselle . i ref use his money all togezzer . if you will parlay , you know , says mr . bucket parenthetically , you must take the consequences . now , whether she became my lodger , sir leicester dedlock , with any deliberate intention then of doing this deed and blinding me , i give no opinion on but she lived in my house in that capacity at the time that she was hovering about the chambers of the deceased mr . tulkinghorn with a view to a wrangle , and likewise persecuting and half frightening the life out of an unfortunate stationer . lie . cries mademoiselle . all lie . the murder was committed , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , and you know under what circumstances . now , i beg of you to follow me close with your attention for a minute or two . i was sent for , and the case was entrusted to me . i examined the place , and the body , and the papers , and everything . from information i received from a clerk in the same house i took george into custody as having been seen hanging about there on the night , and at very nigh the time of the murder , also as having been overheard in high words with the deceased on former occasions  threatening him , as the witness made out . if you ask me , sir leicester dedlock , whether from the first i believed george to be the murderer , i tell you candidly no , but he might be , notwithstanding , and there was enough against him to make it my duty to take him and get him kept under remand . now , observe . as mr . bucket bends forward in some excitement  him  inaugurates what he is going to say with one ghostly beat of his forefinger in the air , mademoiselle hortense fixes her black eyes upon him with a dark frown and sets her dry lips closely and firmly together . i went home , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , at night and found this young woman having supper with my wife , mrs . bucket . she had made a mighty show of being fond of mrs . bucket from her first offering herself as our lodger , but that night she made more than ever  fact , overdid it . likewise she overdid her respect , and all that , for the lamented memory of the deceased mr . tulkinghorn . by the living lord it flashed upon me , as i sat opposite to her at the table and saw her with a knife in her hand , that she had done it . mademoiselle is hardly audible in straining through her teeth and lips the words , you are a devil . now where , pursues mr . bucket , had she been on the night of the murder . she had been to the theayter . she really was there , i have since found , both before the deed and after it . i knew i had an artful customer to deal with and that proof would be very difficult and i laid a trap for her  a trap as i never laid yet , and such a venture as i never made yet . i worked it out in my mind while i was talking to her at supper . when i went upstairs to bed , our house being small and this young womans ears sharp , i stuffed the sheet into mrs . buckets mouth that she shouldnt say a word of surprise and told her all about it . my dear , dont you give your mind to that again , or i shall link your feet together at the ankles . mr . bucket , breaking off , has made a noiseless descent upon mademoiselle and laid his heavy hand upon her shoulder . what is the matter with you now . she asks him . dont you think any more , returns mr . bucket with admonitory finger , of throwing yourself out of window . thats whats the matter with me . come . just take my arm . you neednt get up ill sit down by you . now take my arm , will you . im a married man , you know youre acquainted with my wife . just take my arm . vainly endeavouring to moisten those dry lips , with a painful sound she struggles with herself and complies . now were all right again . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , this case could never have been the case it is but for mrs . bucket , who is a woman in fifty thousand  a hundred and fifty thousand . to throw this young woman off her guard , i have never set foot in our house since , though ive communicated with mrs . bucket in the bakers loaves and in the milk as often as required . my whispered words to mrs . bucket when she had the sheet in her mouth were , my dear , can you throw her off continually with natural accounts of my suspicions against george , and this , and that , and tother . can you do without rest and keep watch upon her night and day . can you undertake to say , she shall do nothing without my knowledge , she shall be my prisoner without suspecting it , she shall no more escape from me than from death , and her life shall be my life , and her soul my soul , till i have got her , if she did this murder . mrs . bucket says to me , as well as she could speak on account of the sheet , bucket , i can . and she has acted up to it glorious . lies . mademoiselle interposes . all lies , my friend . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , how did my calculations come out under these circumstances . when i calculated that this impetuous young woman would overdo it in new directions , was i wrong or right . i was right . what does she try to do . dont let it give you a turn . to throw the murder on her ladyship . sir leicester rises from his chair and staggers down again . and she got encouragement in it from hearing that i was always here , which was done a purpose . now , open that pocket book of mine , sir leicester dedlock , if i may take the liberty of throwing it towards you , and look at the letters sent to me , each with the two words lady dedlock in it . open the one directed to yourself , which i stopped this very morning , and read the three words lady dedlock , murderess in it . these letters have been falling about like a shower of lady birds . what do you say now to mrs . bucket , from her spy place having seen them all written by this young woman . what do you say to mrs . bucket having , within this half hour, , secured the corresponding ink and paper , fellow half sheets and what not . what do you say to mrs . bucket having watched the posting of em every one by this young woman , sir leicester dedlock , baronet . mr . bucket asks , triumphant in his admiration of his ladys genius . two things are especially observable as mr . bucket proceeds to a conclusion . first , that he seems imperceptibly to establish a dreadful right of property in mademoiselle . secondly , that the very atmosphere she breathes seems to narrow and contract about her as if a close net or a pall were being drawn nearer and yet nearer around her breathless figure . there is no doubt that her ladyship was on the spot at the eventful period , says mr . bucket , and my foreign friend here saw her , i believe , from the upper part of the staircase . her ladyship and george and my foreign friend were all pretty close on one anothers heels . but that dont signify any more , so ill not go into it . i found the wadding of the pistol with which the deceased mr . tulkinghorn was shot . it was a bit of the printed description of your house at chesney wold . not much in that , youll say , sir leicester dedlock , baronet . no . but when my foreign friend here is so thoroughly off her guard as to think it a safe time to tear up the rest of that leaf , and when mrs . bucket puts the pieces together and finds the wadding wanting , it begins to look like queer street . these are very long lies , mademoiselle interposes . you prose great deal . is it that you have almost all finished , or are you speaking always . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , proceeds mr . bucket , who delights in a full title and does violence to himself when he dispenses with any fragment of it , the last point in the case which i am now going to mention shows the necessity of patience in our business , and never doing a thing in a hurry . i watched this young woman yesterday without her knowledge when she was looking at the funeral , in company with my wife , who planned to take her there and i had so much to convict her , and i saw such an expression in her face , and my mind so rose against her malice towards her ladyship , and the time was altogether such a time for bringing down what you may call retribution upon her , that if i had been a younger hand with less experience , i should have taken her , certain . equally , last night , when her ladyship , as is so universally admired i am sure , come home looking  , lord , a man might almost say like venus rising from the ocean  was so unpleasant and inconsistent to think of her being charged with a murder of which she was innocent that i felt quite to want to put an end to the job . what should i have lost . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , i should have lost the weapon . my prisoner here proposed to mrs . bucket , after the departure of the funeral , that they should go per bus a little ways into the country and take tea at a very decent house of entertainment . now , near that house of entertainment theres a piece of water . at tea , my prisoner got up to fetch her pocket handkercher from the bedroom where the bonnets was she was rather a long time gone and came back a little out of wind . as soon as they came home this was reported to me by mrs . bucket , along with her observations and suspicions . i had the piece of water dragged by moonlight , in presence of a couple of our men , and the pocket pistol was brought up before it had been there half a hours . now , my dear , put your arm a little further through mine , and hold it steady , and i shant hurt you . in a trice mr . bucket snaps a handcuff on her wrist . thats one , says mr . bucket . now the other , darling . two , and all told . he rises she rises too . where , she asks him , darkening her large eyes until their drooping lids almost conceal them  yet they stare , where is your false , your treacherous , and cursed wife . shes gone forrard to the police office , returns mr . bucket . youll see her there , my dear . i would like to kiss her . exclaims mademoiselle hortense , panting tigress like . youd bite her , i suspect , says mr . bucket . i would . making her eyes very large . i would love to tear her limb from limb . bless you , darling , says mr . bucket with the greatest composure , im fully prepared to hear that . your sex have such a surprising animosity against one another when you do differ . you dont mind me half so much , do you . no . though you are a devil still . angel and devil by turns , eh . cries mr . bucket . but i am in my regular employment , you must consider . let me put your shawl tidy . ive been ladys maid to a good many before now . anything wanting to the bonnet . theres a cab at the door . mademoiselle hortense , casting an indignant eye at the glass , shakes herself perfectly neat in one shake and looks , to do her justice , uncommonly genteel . listen then , my angel , says she after several sarcastic nods . you are very spiritual . but can you restore him back to life . mr . bucket answers , not exactly . that is droll . listen yet one time . you are very spiritual . can you make a honourable lady of her . dont be so malicious , says mr . bucket . or a haughty gentleman of him . cries mademoiselle , referring to sir leicester with ineffable disdain . eh . oh , then regard him . the poor infant . ha . ha . ha . come , why this is worse parlaying than the other , says mr . bucket . come along . you cannot do these things . then you can do as you please with me . it is but the death , it is all the same . let us go , my angel . adieu , you old man , grey . i pity you , and i despise you . with these last words she snaps her teeth together as if her mouth closed with a spring . it is impossible to describe how mr . bucket gets her out , but he accomplishes that feat in a manner so peculiar to himself , enfolding and pervading her like a cloud , and hovering away with her as if he were a homely jupiter and she the object of his affections . sir leicester , left alone , remains in the same attitude , as though he were still listening and his attention were still occupied . at length he gazes round the empty room , and finding it deserted , rises unsteadily to his feet , pushes back his chair , and walks a few steps , supporting himself by the table . then he stops , and with more of those inarticulate sounds , lifts up his eyes and seems to stare at something . heaven knows what he sees . the green , woods of chesney wold , the noble house , the pictures of his forefathers , strangers defacing them , officers of police coarsely handling his most precious heirlooms , thousands of fingers pointing at him , thousands of faces sneering at him . but if such shadows flit before him to his bewilderment , there is one other shadow which he can name with something like distinctness even yet and to which alone he addresses his tearing of his white hair and his extended arms . it is she in association with whom , saving that she has been for years a main fibre of the root of his dignity and pride , he has never had a selfish thought . it is she whom he has loved , admired , honoured , and set up for the world to respect . it is she who , at the core of all the constrained formalities and conventionalities of his life , has been a stock of living tenderness and love , susceptible as nothing else is of being struck with the agony he feels . he sees her , almost to the exclusion of himself , and cannot bear to look upon her cast down from the high place she has graced so well . and even to the point of his sinking on the ground , oblivious of his suffering , he can yet pronounce her name with something like distinctness in the midst of those intrusive sounds , and in a tone of mourning and compassion rather than reproach . chapter lv flight inspector bucket of the detective has not yet struck his great blow , as just now chronicled , but is yet refreshing himself with sleep preparatory to his field day, , when through the night and along the freezing wintry roads a chaise and pair comes out of lincolnshire , making its way towards london . railroads shall soon traverse all this country , and with a rattle and a glare the engine and train shall shoot like a meteor over the wide night landscape, , turning the moon paler but as yet such things are non existent in these parts , though not wholly unexpected . preparations are afoot , measurements are made , ground is staked out . bridges are begun , and their not yet united piers desolately look at one another over roads and streams like brick and mortar couples with an obstacle to their union fragments of embankments are thrown up and left as precipices with torrents of rusty carts and barrows tumbling over them tripods of tall poles appear on hilltops , where there are rumours of tunnels everything looks chaotic and abandoned in full hopelessness . along the freezing roads , and through the night , the post chaise makes its way without a railroad on its mind . mrs . rouncewell , so many years housekeeper at chesney wold , sits within the chaise and by her side sits mrs . bagnet with her grey cloak and umbrella . the old girl would prefer the bar in front , as being exposed to the weather and a primitive sort of perch more in accordance with her usual course of travelling , but mrs . rouncewell is too thoughtful of her comfort to admit of her proposing it . the old lady cannot make enough of the old girl . she sits , in her stately manner , holding her hand , and regardless of its roughness , puts it often to her lips . you are a mother , my dear soul , says she many times , and you found out my georges mother . why , george , returns mrs . bagnet , was always free with me , maam , and when he said at our house to my woolwich that of all the things my woolwich could have to think of when he grew to be a man , the comfortablest would be that he had never brought a sorrowful line into his mothers face or turned a hair of her head grey , then i felt sure , from his way , that something fresh had brought his own mother into his mind . i had often known him say to me , in past times , that he had behaved bad to her . never , my dear . returns mrs . rouncewell , bursting into tears . my blessing on him , never . he was always fond of me , and loving to me , was my george . but he had a bold spirit , and he ran a little wild and went for a soldier . and i know he waited at first , in letting us know about himself , till he should rise to be an officer and when he didnt rise , i know he considered himself beneath us , and wouldnt be a disgrace to us . for he had a lion heart , had my george , always from a baby . the old ladys hands stray about her as of yore , while she recalls , all in a tremble , what a likely lad , what a fine lad , what a gay good humoured clever lad he was how they all took to him down at chesney wold how sir leicester took to him when he was a young gentleman how the dogs took to him how even the people who had been angry with him forgave him the moment he was gone , poor boy . and now to see him after all , and in a prison too . and the broad stomacher heaves , and the quaint upright old fashioned figure bends under its load of affectionate distress . mrs . bagnet , with the instinctive skill of a good warm heart , leaves the old housekeeper to her emotions for a little while  without passing the back of her hand across her own motherly eyes  presently chirps up in her cheery manner , so i says to george when i goes to call him in to tea he pretended to be smoking his pipe outside , what ails you this afternoon , george , for gracious sake . i have seen all sorts , and i have seen you pretty often in season and out of season , abroad and at home , and i never see you so melancholy penitent . why , mrs . bagnet , says george , its because i am melancholy and penitent both , this afternoon , that you see me so . what have you done , old fellow . i says . why , mrs . bagnet , says george , shaking his head , what i have done has been done this many a long year , and is best not tried to be undone now . if i ever get to heaven it wont be for being a good son to a widowed mother i say no more . now , maam , when george says to me that its best not tried to be undone now , i have my thoughts as i have often had before , and i draw it out of george how he comes to have such things on him that afternoon . then george tells me that he has seen by chance , at the lawyers office , a fine old lady that has brought his mother plain before him , and he runs on about that old lady till he quite forgets himself and paints her picture to me as she used to be , years upon years back . so i says to george when he has done , who is this old lady he has seen . and george tells me its mrs . rouncewell , housekeeper for more than half a century to the dedlock family down at chesney wold in lincolnshire . george has frequently told me before that hes a lincolnshire man , and i says to my old lignum that night , lignum , thats his mother for five and for ty pound . all this mrs . bagnet now relates for the twentieth time at least within the last four hours . trilling it out like a kind of bird , with a pretty high note , that it may be audible to the old lady above the hum of the wheels . bless you , and thank you , says mrs . rouncewell . bless you , and thank you , my worthy soul . dear heart . cries mrs . bagnet in the most natural manner . no thanks to me , i am sure . thanks to yourself , maam , for being so ready to pay em . and mind once more , maam , what you had best do on finding george to be your own son is to make him  your sake  every sort of help to put himself in the right and clear himself of a charge of which he is as innocent as you or me . it wont do to have truth and justice on his side he must have law and lawyers , exclaims the old girl , apparently persuaded that the latter form a separate establishment and have dissolved partnership with truth and justice for ever and a day . he shall have , says mrs . rouncewell , all the help that can be got for him in the world , my dear . i will spend all i have , and thankfully , to procure it . sir leicester will do his best , the whole family will do their best . i  know something , my dear and will make my own appeal , as his mother parted from him all these years , and finding him in a jail at last . the extreme disquietude of the old housekeepers manner in saying this , her broken words , and her wringing of her hands make a powerful impression on mrs . bagnet and would astonish her but that she refers them all to her sorrow for her sons condition . and yet mrs . bagnet wonders too why mrs . rouncewell should murmur so distractedly , my lady , my lady , my lady . over and over again . the frosty night wears away , and the dawn breaks , and the post chaise comes rolling on through the early mist like the ghost of a chaise departed . it has plenty of spectral company in ghosts of trees and hedges , slowly vanishing and giving place to the realities of day . london reached , the travellers alight , the old housekeeper in great tribulation and confusion , mrs . bagnet quite fresh and collected  she would be if her next point , with no new equipage and outfit , were the cape of good hope , the island of ascension , hong kong , or any other military station . but when they set out for the prison where the trooper is confined , the old lady has managed to draw about her , with her lavender coloured dress , much of the staid calmness which is its usual accompaniment . a wonderfully grave , precise , and handsome piece of old china she looks , though her heart beats fast and her stomacher is ruffled more than even the remembrance of this wayward son has ruffled it these many years . approaching the cell , they find the door opening and a warder in the act of coming out . the old girl promptly makes a sign of entreaty to him to say nothing assenting with a nod , he suffers them to enter as he shuts the door . so george , who is writing at his table , supposing himself to be alone , does not raise his eyes , but remains absorbed . the old housekeeper looks at him , and those wandering hands of hers are quite enough for mrs . bagnets confirmation , even if she could see the mother and the son together , knowing what she knows , and doubt their relationship . not a rustle of the housekeepers dress , not a gesture , not a word betrays her . she stands looking at him as he writes on , all unconscious , and only her fluttering hands give utterance to her emotions . but they are very eloquent , very , eloquent . mrs . bagnet understands them . they speak of gratitude , of joy , of grief , of hope of inextinguishable affection , cherished with no return since this stalwart man was a stripling of a better son loved less , and this son loved so fondly and so proudly and they speak in such touching language that mrs . bagnets eyes brim up with tears and they run glistening down her sun brown face . george rouncewell . oh , my dear child , turn and look at me . the trooper starts up , clasps his mother round the neck , and falls down on his knees before her . whether in a late repentance , whether in the first association that comes back upon him , he puts his hands together as a child does when it says its prayers , and raising them towards her breast , bows down his head , and cries . my george , my dearest son . always my favourite , and my favourite still , where have you been these cruel years and years . grown such a man too , grown such a fine strong man . grown so like what i knew he must be , if it pleased god he was alive . she can ask , and he can answer , nothing connected for a time . all that time the old girl , turned away , leans one arm against the whitened wall , leans her honest forehead upon it , wipes her eyes with her serviceable grey cloak , and quite enjoys herself like the best of old girls as she is . mother , says the trooper when they are more composed , forgive me first of all , for i know my need of it . forgive him . she does it with all her heart and soul . she always has done it . she tells him how she has had it written in her will , these many years , that he was her beloved son george . she has never believed any ill of him , never . if she had died without this happiness  she is an old woman now and cant look to live very long  would have blessed him with her last breath , if she had her senses , as her beloved son george . mother , i have been an undutiful trouble to you , and i have my reward but of late years i have had a kind of glimmering of a purpose in me too . when i left home i didnt care much , mother  am afraid not a great deal  leaving and went away and listed , harum scarum, , making believe to think that i cared for nobody , no not i , and that nobody cared for me . the trooper has dried his eyes and put away his handkerchief , but there is an extraordinary contrast between his habitual manner of expressing himself and carrying himself and the softened tone in which he speaks , interrupted occasionally by a half stifled sob . so i wrote a line home , mother , as you too well know , to say i had listed under another name , and i went abroad . abroad , at one time i thought i would write home next year , when i might be better off and when that year was out , i thought i would write home next year , when i might be better off and when that year was out again , perhaps i didnt think much about it . so on , from year to year , through a service of ten years , till i began to get older , and to ask myself why should i ever write . i dont find any fault , child  not to ease my mind , george . not a word to your loving mother , who was growing older too . this almost overturns the trooper afresh , but he sets himself up with a great , rough , sounding clearance of his throat . heaven forgive me , mother , but i thought there would be small consolation then in hearing anything about me . there were you , respected and esteemed . there was my brother , as i read in chance north country papers now and then , rising to be prosperous and famous . there was i a dragoon , roving , unsettled , not self made like him , but self unmade my earlier advantages thrown away , all my little learning unlearnt , nothing picked up but what unfitted me for most things that i could think of . what business had i to make myself known . after letting all that time go by me , what good could come of it . the worst was past with you , mother . i knew by that time being a man how you had mourned for me , and wept for me , and prayed for me and the pain was over , or was softened down , and i was better in your mind as it was . the old lady sorrowfully shakes her head , and taking one of his powerful hands , lays it lovingly upon her shoulder . no , i dont say that it was so , mother , but that i made it out to be so . i said just now , what good could come of it . well , my dear mother , some good might have come of it to myself  there was the meanness of it . you would have sought me out you would have purchased my discharge you would have taken me down to chesney wold you would have brought me and my brother and my brothers family together you would all have considered anxiously how to do something for me and set me up as a respectable civilian . but how could any of you feel sure of me when i couldnt so much as feel sure of myself . how could you help regarding as an incumbrance and a discredit to you an idle dragooning chap who was an incumbrance and a discredit to himself , excepting under discipline . how could i look my brothers children in the face and pretend to set them an example  , the vagabond boy who had run away from home and been the grief and unhappiness of my mothers life . no , george . such were my words , mother , when i passed this in review before me you have made your bed . now , lie upon it . mrs . rouncewell , drawing up her stately form , shakes her head at the old girl with a swelling pride upon her , as much as to say , i told you so . the old girl relieves her feelings and testifies her interest in the conversation by giving the trooper a great poke between the shoulders with her umbrella this action she afterwards repeats , at intervals , in a species of affectionate lunacy , never failing , after the administration of each of these remonstrances , to resort to the whitened wall and the grey cloak again . this was the way i brought myself to think , mother , that my best amends was to lie upon that bed i had made , and die upon it . and i should have done it though i have been to see you more than once down at chesney wold , when you little thought of me but for my old comrades wife here , who i find has been too many for me . but i thank her for it . i thank you for it , mrs . bagnet , with all my heart and might . to which mrs . bagnet responds with two pokes . and now the old lady impresses upon her son george , her own dear recovered boy , her joy and pride , the light of her eyes , the happy close of her life , and every fond name she can think of , that he must be governed by the best advice obtainable by money and influence , that he must yield up his case to the greatest lawyers that can be got , that he must act in this serious plight as he shall be advised to act and must not be self willed, , however right , but must promise to think only of his poor old mothers anxiety and suffering until he is released , or he will break her heart . mother , tis little enough to consent to , returns the trooper , stopping her with a kiss tell me what i shall do , and ill make a late beginning and do it . mrs . bagnet , youll take care of my mother , i know . a very hard poke from the old girls umbrella . if youll bring her acquainted with mr . jarndyce and miss summerson , she will find them of her way of thinking , and they will give her the best advice and assistance . and , george , says the old lady , we must send with all haste for your brother . he is a sensible sound man as they tell me  in the world beyond chesney wold , my dear , though i dont know much of it myself  will be of great service . mother , returns the trooper , is it too soon to ask a favour . surely not , my dear . then grant me this one great favour . dont let my brother know . not know what , my dear . not know of me . in fact , mother , i cant bear it i cant make up my mind to it . he has proved himself so different from me and has done so much to raise himself while ive been soldiering that i havent brass enough in my composition to see him in this place and under this charge . how could a man like him be expected to have any pleasure in such a discovery . its impossible . no , keep my secret from him , mother do me a greater kindness than i deserve and keep my secret from my brother , of all men . but not always , dear george . why , mother , perhaps not for good and all  i may come to ask that too  keep it now , i do entreat you . if its ever broke to him that his rip of a brother has turned up , i could wish , says the trooper , shaking his head very doubtfully , to break it myself and be governed as to advancing or retreating by the way in which he seems to take it . as he evidently has a rooted feeling on this point , and as the depth of it is recognized in mrs . bagnets face , his mother yields her implicit assent to what he asks . for this he thanks her kindly . in all other respects , my dear mother , ill be as tractable and obedient as you can wish on this one alone , i stand out . so now i am ready even for the lawyers . i have been drawing up , he glances at his writing on the table , an exact account of what i knew of the deceased and how i came to be involved in this unfortunate affair . its entered , plain and regular , like an orderly book not a word in it but whats wanted for the facts . i did intend to read it , straight on end , whensoever i was called upon to say anything in my defence . i hope i may be let to do it still but i have no longer a will of my own in this case , and whatever is said or done , i give my promise not to have any . matters being brought to this so far satisfactory pass , and time being on the wane , mrs . bagnet proposes a departure . again and again the old lady hangs upon her sons neck , and again and again the trooper holds her to his broad chest . where are you going to take my mother , mrs . bagnet . i am going to the town house , my dear , the family house . i have some business there that must be looked to directly , mrs . rouncewell answers . will you see my mother safe there in a coach , mrs . bagnet . but of course i know you will . why should i ask it . why indeed , mrs . bagnet expresses with the umbrella . take her , my old friend , and take my gratitude along with you . kisses to quebec and malta , love to my godson , a hearty shake of the hand to lignum , and this for yourself , and i wish it was ten thousand pound in gold , my dear . so saying , the trooper puts his lips to the old girls tanned forehead , and the door shuts upon him in his cell . no entreaties on the part of the good old housekeeper will induce mrs . bagnet to retain the coach for her own conveyance home . jumping out cheerfully at the door of the dedlock mansion and handing mrs . rouncewell up the steps , the old girl shakes hands and trudges off , arriving soon afterwards in the bosom of the bagnet family and falling to washing the greens as if nothing had happened . my lady is in that room in which she held her last conference with the murdered man , and is sitting where she sat that night , and is looking at the spot where he stood upon the hearth studying her so leisurely , when a tap comes at the door . who is it . mrs . rouncewell . what has brought mrs . rouncewell to town so unexpectedly . trouble , my lady . sad trouble . oh , my lady , may i beg a word with you . what new occurrence is it that makes this tranquil old woman tremble so . far happier than her lady , as her lady has often thought , why does she falter in this manner and look at her with such strange mistrust . what is the matter . sit down and take your breath . oh , my lady , my lady . i have found my son  youngest , who went away for a soldier so long ago . and he is in prison . for debt . oh , no , my lady i would have paid any debt , and joyful . for what is he in prison then . charged with a murder , my lady , of which he is as innocent as  i am . accused of the murder of mr . tulkinghorn . what does she mean by this look and this imploring gesture . why does she come so close . what is the letter that she holds . lady dedlock , my dear lady , my good lady , my kind lady . you must have a heart to feel for me , you must have a heart to forgive me . i was in this family before you were born . i am devoted to it . but think of my dear son wrongfully accused . i do not accuse him . no , my lady , no . but others do , and he is in prison and in danger . oh , lady dedlock , if you can say but a word to help to clear him , say it . what delusion can this be . what power does she suppose is in the person she petitions to avert this unjust suspicion , if it be unjust . her ladys handsome eyes regard her with astonishment , almost with fear . my lady , i came away last night from chesney wold to find my son in my old age , and the step upon the ghosts walk was so constant and so solemn that i never heard the like in all these years . night after night , as it has fallen dark , the sound has echoed through your rooms , but last night it was awfullest . and as it fell dark last night , my lady , i got this letter . what letter is it . hush . hush . the housekeeper looks round and answers in a frightened whisper , my lady , i have not breathed a word of it , i dont believe whats written in it , i know it cant be true , i am sure and certain that it is not true . but my son is in danger , and you must have a heart to pity me . if you know of anything that is not known to others , if you have any suspicion , if you have any clue at all , and any reason for keeping it in your own breast , oh , my dear lady , think of me , and conquer that reason , and let it be known . this is the most i consider possible . i know you are not a hard lady , but you go your own way always without help , and you are not familiar with your friends and all who admire you  all do  a beautiful and elegant lady , know you to be one far away from themselves who cant be approached close . my lady , you may have some proud or angry reasons for disdaining to utter something that you know if so , pray , oh , pray , think of a faithful servant whose whole life has been passed in this family which she dearly loves , and relent , and help to clear my son . my lady , my good lady , the old housekeeper pleads with genuine simplicity , i am so humble in my place and you are by nature so high and distant that you may not think what i feel for my child , but i feel so much that i have come here to make so bold as to beg and pray you not to be scornful of us if you can do us any right or justice at this fearful time . lady dedlock raises her without one word , until she takes the letter from her hand . am i to read this . when i am gone , my lady , if you please , and then remembering the most that i consider possible . i know of nothing i can do . i know of nothing i reserve that can affect your son . i have never accused him . my lady , you may pity him the more under a false accusation after reading the letter . the old housekeeper leaves her with the letter in her hand . in truth she is not a hard lady naturally , and the time has been when the sight of the venerable figure suing to her with such strong earnestness would have moved her to great compassion . but so long accustomed to suppress emotion and keep down reality , so long schooled for her own purposes in that destructive school which shuts up the natural feelings of the heart like flies in amber and spreads one uniform and dreary gloss over the good and bad , the feeling and the unfeeling , the sensible and the senseless , she had subdued even her wonder until now . she opens the letter . spread out upon the paper is a printed account of the discovery of the body as it lay face downward on the floor , shot through the heart and underneath is written her own name , with the word murderess attached . it falls out of her hand . how long it may have lain upon the ground she knows not , but it lies where it fell when a servant stands before her announcing the young man of the name of guppy . the words have probably been repeated several times , for they are ringing in her head before she begins to understand them . let him come in . he comes in . holding the letter in her hand , which she has taken from the floor , she tries to collect her thoughts . in the eyes of mr . guppy she is the same lady dedlock , holding the same prepared , proud , chilling state . your ladyship may not be at first disposed to excuse this visit from one who has never been welcome to your ladyship  he dont complain of , for he is bound to confess that there never has been any particular reason on the face of things why he should be  i hope when i mention my motives to your ladyship you will not find fault with me , says mr . guppy . do so . thank your ladyship . i ought first to explain to your ladyship , mr . guppy sits on the edge of a chair and puts his hat on the carpet at his feet , that miss summerson , whose image , as i formerly mentioned to your ladyship , was at one period of my life imprinted on my eart until erased by circumstances over which i had no control , communicated to me , after i had the pleasure of waiting on your ladyship last , that she particularly wished me to take no steps whatever in any manner at all relating to her . and miss summersons wishes being to me a law except as connected with circumstances over which i have no control , i consequently never expected to have the distinguished honour of waiting on your ladyship again . and yet he is here now , lady dedlock moodily reminds him . and yet i am here now , mr . guppy admits . my object being to communicate to your ladyship , under the seal of confidence , why i am here . he cannot do so , she tells him , too plainly or too briefly . nor can i , mr . guppy returns with a sense of injury upon him , too particularly request your ladyship to take particular notice that its no personal affair of mine that brings me here . i have no interested views of my own to serve in coming here . if it was not for my promise to miss summerson and my keeping of it sacred  , in point of fact , shouldnt have darkened these doors again , but should have seen em further first . mr . guppy considers this a favourable moment for sticking up his hair with both hands . your ladyship will remember when i mention it that the last time i was here i run against a party very eminent in our profession and whose loss we all deplore . that party certainly did from that time apply himself to cutting in against me in a way that i will call sharp practice , and did make it , at every turn and point , extremely difficult for me to be sure that i hadnt inadvertently led up to something contrary to miss summersons wishes . self praise is no recommendation , but i may say for myself that i am not so bad a man of business neither . lady dedlock looks at him in stern inquiry . mr . guppy immediately withdraws his eyes from her face and looks anywhere else . indeed , it has been made so hard , he goes on , to have any idea what that party was up to in combination with others that until the loss which we all deplore i was gravelled  expression which your ladyship , moving in the higher circles , will be so good as to consider tantamount to knocked over . small likewise  name by which i refer to another party , a friend of mine that your ladyship is not acquainted with  to be so close and double faced that at times it wasnt easy to keep ones hands off his ead . however , what with the exertion of my humble abilities , and what with the help of a mutual friend by the name of mr . tony weevle who is of a high aristocratic turn and has your ladyships portrait always hanging up in his room , i have now reasons for an apprehension as to which i come to put your ladyship upon your guard . first , will your ladyship allow me to ask you whether you have had any strange visitors this morning . i dont mean fashionable visitors , but such visitors , for instance , as miss barbarys old servant , or as a person without the use of his lower extremities , carried upstairs similarly to a guy . no . then i assure your ladyship that such visitors have been here and have been received here . because i saw them at the door , and waited at the corner of the square till they came out , and took half an hours turn afterwards to avoid them . what have i to do with that , or what have you . i do not understand you . what do you mean . your ladyship , i come to put you on your guard . there may be no occasion for it . very well . then i have only done my best to keep my promise to miss summerson . i strongly suspect from what small has dropped , and from what we have corkscrewed out of him that those letters i was to have brought to your ladyship were not destroyed when i supposed they were . that if there was anything to be blown upon , it is blown upon . that the visitors i have alluded to have been here this morning to make money of it . and that the money is made , or making . mr . guppy picks up his hat and rises . your ladyship , you know best whether theres anything in what i say or whether theres nothing . something or nothing , i have acted up to miss summersons wishes in letting things alone and in undoing what i had begun to do , as far as possible thats sufficient for me . in case i should be taking a liberty in putting your ladyship on your guard when theres no necessity for it , you will endeavour , i should hope , to outlive my presumption , and i shall endeavour to outlive your disapprobation . i now take my farewell of your ladyship , and assure you that theres no danger of your ever being waited on by me again . she scarcely acknowledges these parting words by any look , but when he has been gone a little while , she rings her bell . where is sir leicester . mercury reports that he is at present shut up in the library alone . has sir leicester had any visitors this morning . several , on business . mercury proceeds to a description of them , which has been anticipated by mr . guppy . enough he may go . so . all is broken down . her name is in these many mouths , her husband knows his wrongs , her shame will be published  be spreading while she thinks about it  in addition to the thunderbolt so long foreseen by her , so unforeseen by him , she is denounced by an invisible accuser as the murderess of her enemy . her enemy he was , and she has often , wished him dead . her enemy he is , even in his grave . this dreadful accusation comes upon her like a new torment at his lifeless hand . and when she recalls how she was secretly at his door that night , and how she may be represented to have sent her favourite girl away so soon before merely to release herself from observation , she shudders as if the hangmans hands were at her neck . she has thrown herself upon the floor and lies with her hair all wildly scattered and her face buried in the cushions of a couch . she rises up , hurries to and fro , flings herself down again , and rocks and moans . the horror that is upon her is unutterable . if she really were the murderess , it could hardly be , for the moment , more intense . for as her murderous perspective , before the doing of the deed , however subtle the precautions for its commission , would have been closed up by a gigantic dilatation of the hateful figure , preventing her from seeing any consequences beyond it and as those consequences would have rushed in , an unimagined flood , the moment the figure was laid low  always happens when a murder is done so , now she sees that when he used to be on the watch before her , and she used to think , if some mortal stroke would but fall on this old man and take him from my way . it was but wishing that all he held against her in his hand might be flung to the winds and chance sown in many places . so , too , with the wicked relief she has felt in his death . what was his death but the key stone of a gloomy arch removed , and now the arch begins to fall in a thousand fragments , each crushing and mangling piecemeal . thus , a terrible impression steals upon and overshadows her that from this pursuer , living or dead  and imperturbable before her in his well remembered shape , or not more obdurate and imperturbable in his coffin bed is no escape but in death . hunted , she flies . the complication of her shame , her dread , remorse , and misery , overwhelms her at its height and even her strength of self reliance is overturned and whirled away like a leaf before a mighty wind . she hurriedly addresses these lines to her husband , seals , and leaves them on her table if i am sought for , or accused of , his murder , believe that i am wholly innocent . believe no other good of me , for i am innocent of nothing else that you have heard , or will hear , laid to my charge . he prepared me , on that fatal night , for his disclosure of my guilt to you . after he had left me , i went out on pretence of walking in the garden where i sometimes walk , but really to follow him and make one last petition that he would not protract the dreadful suspense on which i have been racked by him , you do not know how long , but would mercifully strike next morning . i found his house dark and silent . i rang twice at his door , but there was no reply , and i came home . i have no home left . i will encumber you no more . may you , in your just resentment , be able to forget the unworthy woman on whom you have wasted a most generous devotion  avoids you only with a deeper shame than that with which she hurries from herself  who writes this last adieu . she veils and dresses quickly , leaves all her jewels and her money , listens , goes downstairs at a moment when the hall is empty , opens and shuts the great door , flutters away in the shrill frosty wind . chapter lvi pursuit impassive , as behoves its high breeding , the dedlock town house stares at the other houses in the street of dismal grandeur and gives no outward sign of anything going wrong within . carriages rattle , doors are battered at , the world exchanges calls ancient charmers with skeleton throats and peachy cheeks that have a rather ghastly bloom upon them seen by daylight , when indeed these fascinating creatures look like death and the lady fused together , dazzle the eyes of men . forth from the frigid mews come easily swinging carriages guided by short legged coachmen in flaxen wigs , deep sunk into downy hammercloths , and up behind mount luscious mercuries bearing sticks of state and wearing cocked hats broadwise , a spectacle for the angels . the dedlock town house changes not externally , and hours pass before its exalted dullness is disturbed within . but volumnia the fair , being subject to the prevalent complaint of boredom and finding that disorder attacking her spirits with some virulence , ventures at length to repair to the library for change of scene . her gentle tapping at the door producing no response , she opens it and peeps in seeing no one there , takes possession . the sprightly dedlock is reputed , in that grass grown city of the ancients , bath , to be stimulated by an urgent curiosity which impels her on all convenient and inconvenient occasions to sidle about with a golden glass at her eye , peering into objects of every description . certain it is that she avails herself of the present opportunity of hovering over her kinsmans letters and papers like a bird , taking a short peck at this document and a blink with her head on one side at that document , and hopping about from table to table with her glass at her eye in an inquisitive and restless manner . in the course of these researches she stumbles over something , and turning her glass in that direction , sees her kinsman lying on the ground like a felled tree . volumnias pet little scream acquires a considerable augmentation of reality from this surprise , and the house is quickly in commotion . servants tear up and down stairs , bells are violently rung , doctors are sent for , and lady dedlock is sought in all directions , but not found . nobody has seen or heard her since she last rang her bell . her letter to sir leicester is discovered on her table , but it is doubtful yet whether he has not received another missive from another world requiring to be personally answered , and all the living languages , and all the dead , are as one to him . they lay him down upon his bed , and chafe , and rub , and fan , and put ice to his head , and try every means of restoration . howbeit , the day has ebbed away , and it is night in his room before his stertorous breathing lulls or his fixed eyes show any consciousness of the candle that is occasionally passed before them . but when this change begins , it goes on and by and by he nods or moves his eyes or even his hand in token that he hears and comprehends . he fell down , this morning , a handsome stately gentleman , somewhat infirm , but of a fine presence , and with a well filled face . he lies upon his bed , an aged man with sunken cheeks , the decrepit shadow of himself . his voice was rich and mellow and he had so long been thoroughly persuaded of the weight and import to mankind of any word he said that his words really had come to sound as if there were something in them . but now he can only whisper , and what he whispers sounds like what it is  jumble and jargon . his favourite and faithful housekeeper stands at his bedside . it is the first act he notices , and he clearly derives pleasure from it . after vainly trying to make himself understood in speech , he makes signs for a pencil . so inexpressively that they cannot at first understand him it is his old housekeeper who makes out what he wants and brings in a slate . after pausing for some time , he slowly scrawls upon it in a hand that is not his , chesney wold . no , she tells him he is in london . he was taken ill in the library this morning . right thankful she is that she happened to come to london and is able to attend upon him . it is not an illness of any serious consequence , sir leicester . you will be much better to morrow, , sir leicester . all the gentlemen say so . this , with the tears coursing down her fair old face . after making a survey of the room and looking with particular attention all round the bed where the doctors stand , he writes , my lady . my lady went out , sir leicester , before you were taken ill , and dont know of your illness yet . he points again , in great agitation , at the two words . they all try to quiet him , but he points again with increased agitation . on their looking at one another , not knowing what to say , he takes the slate once more and writes my lady . for gods sake , where . and makes an imploring moan . it is thought better that his old housekeeper should give him lady dedlocks letter , the contents of which no one knows or can surmise . she opens it for him and puts it out for his perusal . having read it twice by a great effort , he turns it down so that it shall not be seen and lies moaning . he passes into a kind of relapse or into a swoon , and it is an hour before he opens his eyes , reclining on his faithful and attached old servants arm . the doctors know that he is best with her , and when not actively engaged about him , stand aloof . the slate comes into requisition again , but the word he wants to write he cannot remember . his anxiety , his eagerness , and affliction at this pass are pitiable to behold . it seems as if he must go mad in the necessity he feels for haste and the inability under which he labours of expressing to do what or to fetch whom . he has written the letter b , and there stopped . of a sudden , in the height of his misery , he puts mr . before it . the old housekeeper suggests bucket . thank heaven . thats his meaning . mr . bucket is found to be downstairs , by appointment . shall he come up . there is no possibility of misconstruing sir leicesters burning wish to see him or the desire he signifies to have the room cleared of every one but the housekeeper . it is speedily done , and mr . bucket appears . of all men upon earth , sir leicester seems fallen from his high estate to place his sole trust and reliance upon this man . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , im sorry to see you like this . i hope youll cheer up . im sure you will , on account of the family credit . sir leicester puts her letter in his hands and looks intently in his face while he reads it . a new intelligence comes into mr . buckets eye as he reads on with one hook of his finger , while that eye is still glancing over the words , he indicates , sir leicester dedlock , baronet , i understand you . sir leicester writes upon the slate . full forgiveness . find  mr . bucket stops his hand . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , ill find her . but my search after her must be begun out of hand . not a minute must be lost . with the quickness of thought , he follows sir leicester dedlocks look towards a little box upon a table . bring it here , sir leicester dedlock , baronet . certainly . open it with one of these here keys . certainly . the littlest key . to be sure . take the notes out . so i will . count em . thats soon done . twenty and thirtys fifty , and twentys seventy , and fiftys one twenty , and fortys one sixty . take em for expenses . that ill do , and render an account of course . dont spare money . no i wont . the velocity and certainty of mr . buckets interpretation on all these heads is little short of miraculous . mrs . rouncewell , who holds the light , is giddy with the swiftness of his eyes and hands as he starts up , furnished for his journey . youre georges mother , old lady thats about what you are , i believe . says mr . bucket aside , with his hat already on and buttoning his coat . yes , sir , i am his distressed mother . so i thought , according to what he mentioned to me just now . well , then , ill tell you something . you neednt be distressed no more . your sons all right . now , dont you begin a crying, , because what youve got to do is to take care of sir leicester dedlock , baronet , and you wont do that by crying . as to your son , hes all right , i tell you and he sends his loving duty , and hoping youre the same . hes discharged honourable thats about what he is with no more imputation on his character than there is on yours , and yours is a tidy one , ill bet a pound . you may trust me , for i took your son . he conducted himself in a game way , too , on that occasion and hes a fine made man , and youre a fine made old lady , and youre a mother and son , the pair of you , as might be showed for models in a caravan . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , what youve trusted to me ill go through with . dont you be afraid of my turning out of my way , right or left , or taking a sleep , or a wash , or a shave till i have found what i go in search of . say everything as is kind and forgiving on your part . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , i will . and i wish you better , and these family affairs smoothed over  , lord , many other family affairs equally has been , and equally will be , to the end of time . with this peroration , mr . bucket , buttoned up , goes quietly out , looking steadily before him as if he were already piercing the night in quest of the fugitive . his first step is to take himself to lady dedlocks rooms and look all over them for any trifling indication that may help him . the rooms are in darkness now and to see mr . bucket with a wax light in his hand , holding it above his head and taking a sharp mental inventory of the many delicate objects so curiously at variance with himself , would be to see a sight  nobody does see , as he is particular to lock himself in . a spicy boudoir , this , says mr . bucket , who feels in a manner furbished up in his french by the blow of the morning . must have cost a sight of money . rum articles to cut away from , these she must have been hard put to it . opening and shutting table drawers and looking into caskets and jewel cases, , he sees the reflection of himself in various mirrors , and moralizes thereon . one might suppose i was a moving in the fashionable circles and getting myself up for almacs , says mr . bucket . i begin to think i must be a swell in the guards without knowing it . ever looking about , he has opened a dainty little chest in an inner drawer . his great hand , turning over some gloves which it can scarcely feel , they are so light and soft within it , comes upon a white handkerchief . hum . lets have a look at you , says mr . bucket , putting down the light . what should you be kept by yourself for . whats your motive . are you her ladyships property , or somebody elses . youve got a mark upon you somewheres or another , i suppose . he finds it as he speaks , esther summerson . oh . says mr . bucket , pausing , with his finger at his ear . come , ill take you . he completes his observations as quietly and carefully as he has carried them on , leaves everything else precisely as he found it , glides away after some five minutes in all , and passes into the street . with a glance upward at the dimly lighted windows of sir leicesters room , he sets off , full swing, , to the nearest coach stand, , picks out the horse for his money , and directs to be driven to the shooting gallery . mr . bucket does not claim to be a scientific judge of horses , but he lays out a little money on the principal events in that line , and generally sums up his knowledge of the subject in the remark that when he sees a horse as can go , he knows him . his knowledge is not at fault in the present instance . clattering over the stones at a dangerous pace , yet thoughtfully bringing his keen eyes to bear on every slinking creature whom he passes in the midnight streets , and even on the lights in upper windows where people are going or gone to bed , and on all the turnings that he rattles by , and alike on the heavy sky , and on the earth where the snow lies thin  something may present itself to assist him , anywhere  dashes to his destination at such a speed that when he stops the horse half smothers him in a cloud of steam . unbear him half a moment to freshen him up , and ill be back . he runs up the long wooden entry and finds the trooper smoking his pipe . i thought i should , george , after what you have gone through , my lad . i havent a word to spare . now , honour . all to save a woman . miss summerson that was here when gridley died  was the name , i know  right  does she live . the trooper has just come from there and gives him the address , near oxford street . you wont repent it , george . good night . he is off again , with an impression of having seen phil sitting by the frosty fire staring at him open mouthed, , and gallops away again , and gets out in a cloud of steam again . mr . jarndyce , the only person up in the house , is just going to bed , rises from his book on hearing the rapid ringing at the bell , and comes down to the door in his dressing gown . dont be alarmed , sir . in a moment his visitor is confidential with him in the hall , has shut the door , and stands with his hand upon the lock . ive had the pleasure of seeing you before . inspector bucket . look at that handkerchief , sir , miss esther summersons . found it myself put away in a drawer of lady dedlocks , quarter of an hour ago . not a moment to lose . matter of life or death . you know lady dedlock . yes . there has been a discovery there to day . family affairs have come out . sir leicester dedlock , baronet , has had a fit  or paralysis  couldnt be brought to , and precious time has been lost . lady dedlock disappeared this afternoon and left a letter for him that looks bad . run your eye over it . here it is . mr . jarndyce , having read it , asks him what he thinks . i dont know . it looks like suicide . anyways , theres more and more danger , every minute , of its drawing to that . id give a hundred pound an hour to have got the start of the present time . now , mr . jarndyce , i am employed by sir leicester dedlock , baronet , to follow her and find her , to save her and take her his forgiveness . i have money and full power , but i want something else . i want miss summerson . mr . jarndyce in a troubled voice repeats , miss summerson . now , mr . jarndyce  . bucket has read his face with the greatest attention all along  speak to you as a gentleman of a humane heart , and under such pressing circumstances as dont often happen . if ever delay was dangerous , its dangerous now and if ever you couldnt afterwards forgive yourself for causing it , this is the time . eight or ten hours , worth , as i tell you , a hundred pound apiece at least , have been lost since lady dedlock disappeared . i am charged to find her . i am inspector bucket . besides all the rest thats heavy on her , she has upon her , as she believes , suspicion of murder . if i follow her alone , she , being in ignorance of what sir leicester dedlock , baronet , has communicated to me , may be driven to desperation . but if i follow her in company with a young lady , answering to the description of a young lady that she has a tenderness for  ask no question , and i say no more than that  will give me credit for being friendly . let me come up with her and be able to have the hold upon her of putting that young lady forard , and ill save her and prevail with her if she is alive . let me come up with her alone  hard matter  ill do my best , but i dont answer for what the best may be . time flies its getting on for one oclock . when one strikes , theres another hour gone , and its worth a thousand pound now instead of a hundred . this is all true , and the pressing nature of the case cannot be questioned . mr . jarndyce begs him to remain there while he speaks to miss summerson . mr . bucket says he will , but acting on his usual principle , does no such thing , following upstairs instead and keeping his man in sight . so he remains , dodging and lurking about in the gloom of the staircase while they confer . in a very little time mr . jarndyce comes down and tells him that miss summerson will join him directly and place herself under his protection to accompany him where he pleases . mr . bucket , satisfied , expresses high approval and awaits her coming at the door . there he mounts a high tower in his mind and looks out far and wide . many solitary figures he perceives creeping through the streets many solitary figures out on heaths , and roads , and lying under haystacks . but the figure that he seeks is not among them . other solitaries he perceives , in nooks of bridges , looking over and in shadowed places down by the rivers level and a dark , shapeless object drifting with the tide , more solitary than all , clings with a drowning hold on his attention . where is she . living or dead , where is she . if , as he folds the handkerchief and carefully puts it up , it were able with an enchanted power to bring before him the place where she found it and the night landscape near the cottage where it covered the little child , would he descry her there . on the waste where the brick kilns are burning with a pale blue flare , where the straw roofs of the wretched huts in which the bricks are made are being scattered by the wind , where the clay and water are hard frozen and the mill in which the gaunt blind horse goes round all day looks like an instrument of human torture  this deserted , blighted spot there is a lonely figure with the sad world to itself , pelted by the snow and driven by the wind , and cast out , it would seem , from all companionship . it is the figure of a woman , too but it is miserably dressed , and no such clothes ever came through the hall and out at the great door of the dedlock mansion . chapter lvii esthers narrative i had gone to bed and fallen asleep when my guardian knocked at the door of my room and begged me to get up directly . on my hurrying to speak to him and learn what had happened , he told me , after a word or two of preparation , that there had been a discovery at sir leicester dedlocks . that my mother had fled , that a person was now at our door who was empowered to convey to her the fullest assurances of affectionate protection and forgiveness if he could possibly find her , and that i was sought for to accompany him in the hope that my entreaties might prevail upon her if his failed . something to this general purpose i made out , but i was thrown into such a tumult of alarm , and hurry and distress , that in spite of every effort i could make to subdue my agitation , i did not seem , to myself , fully to recover my right mind until hours had passed . but i dressed and wrapped up expeditiously without waking charley or any one and went down to mr . bucket , who was the person entrusted with the secret . in taking me to him my guardian told me this , and also explained how it was that he had come to think of me . mr . bucket , in a low voice , by the light of my guardians candle , read to me in the hall a letter that my mother had left upon her table and i suppose within ten minutes of my having been aroused i was sitting beside him , rolling swiftly through the streets . his manner was very keen , and yet considerate when he explained to me that a great deal might depend on my being able to answer , without confusion , a few questions that he wished to ask me . these were , chiefly , whether i had much communication with my mother to whom he only referred as lady dedlock , when and where i had spoken with her last , and how she had become possessed of my handkerchief . when i had satisfied him on these points , he asked me particularly to consider  time to think  within my knowledge there was any one , no matter where , in whom she might be at all likely to confide under circumstances of the last necessity . i could think of no one but my guardian . but by and by i mentioned mr . boythorn . he came into my mind as connected with his old chivalrous manner of mentioning my mothers name and with what my guardian had informed me of his engagement to her sister and his unconscious connexion with her unhappy story . my companion had stopped the driver while we held this conversation , that we might the better hear each other . he now told him to go on again and said to me , after considering within himself for a few moments , that he had made up his mind how to proceed . he was quite willing to tell me what his plan was , but i did not feel clear enough to understand it . we had not driven very far from our lodgings when we stopped in a by street at a public looking place lighted up with gas . mr . bucket took me in and sat me in an arm chair by a bright fire . it was now past one , as i saw by the clock against the wall . two police officers , looking in their perfectly neat uniform not at all like people who were up all night , were quietly writing at a desk and the place seemed very quiet altogether , except for some beating and calling out at distant doors underground , to which nobody paid any attention . a third man in uniform , whom mr . bucket called and to whom he whispered his instructions , went out and then the two others advised together while one wrote from mr . buckets subdued dictation . it was a description of my mother that they were busy with , for mr . bucket brought it to me when it was done and read it in a whisper . it was very accurate indeed . the second officer , who had attended to it closely , then copied it out and called in another man in uniform there were several in an outer room , who took it up and went away with it . all this was done with the greatest dispatch and without the waste of a moment yet nobody was at all hurried . as soon as the paper was sent out upon its travels , the two officers resumed their former quiet work of writing with neatness and care . mr . bucket thoughtfully came and warmed the soles of his boots , first one and then the other , at the fire . are you well wrapped up , miss summerson . he asked me as his eyes met mine . its a desperate sharp night for a young lady to be out in . i told him i cared for no weather and was warmly clothed . it may be a long job , he observed but so that it ends well , never mind , miss . i pray to heaven it may end well . said i . he nodded comfortingly . you see , whatever you do , dont you go and fret yourself . you keep yourself cool and equal for anything that may happen , and itll be the better for you , the better for me , the better for lady dedlock , and the better for sir leicester dedlock , baronet . he was really very kind and gentle , and as he stood before the fire warming his boots and rubbing his face with his forefinger , i felt a confidence in his sagacity which reassured me . it was not yet a quarter to two when i heard horses feet and wheels outside . now , miss summerson , said he , we are off , if you please . he gave me his arm , and the two officers courteously bowed me out , and we found at the door a phaeton or barouche with a postilion and post horses . mr . bucket handed me in and took his own seat on the box . the man in uniform whom he had sent to fetch this equipage then handed him up a dark lantern at his request , and when he had given a few directions to the driver , we rattled away . i was far from sure that i was not in a dream . we rattled with great rapidity through such a labyrinth of streets that i soon lost all idea where we were , except that we had crossed and re crossed the river , and still seemed to be traversing a low lying, , waterside , dense neighbourhood of narrow thoroughfares chequered by docks and basins , high piles of warehouses , swing bridges, , and masts of ships . at length we stopped at the corner of a little slimy turning , which the wind from the river , rushing up it , did not purify and i saw my companion , by the light of his lantern , in conference with several men who looked like a mixture of police and sailors . against the mouldering wall by which they stood , there was a bill , on which i could discern the words , found drowned and this and an inscription about drags possessed me with the awful suspicion shadowed forth in our visit to that place . i had no need to remind myself that i was not there by the indulgence of any feeling of mine to increase the difficulties of the search , or to lessen its hopes , or enhance its delays . i remained quiet , but what i suffered in that dreadful spot i never can forget . and still it was like the horror of a dream . a man yet dark and muddy , in long swollen sodden boots and a hat like them , was called out of a boat and whispered with mr . bucket , who went away with him down some slippery steps  if to look at something secret that he had to show . they came back , wiping their hands upon their coats , after turning over something wet but thank god it was not what i feared . after some further conference , mr . bucket whom everybody seemed to know and defer to went in with the others at a door and left me in the carriage , while the driver walked up and down by his horses to warm himself . the tide was coming in , as i judged from the sound it made , and i could hear it break at the end of the alley with a little rush towards me . it never did so  i thought it did so , hundreds of times , in what can have been at the most a quarter of an hour , and probably was less  the thought shuddered through me that it would cast my mother at the horses feet . mr . bucket came out again , exhorting the others to be vigilant , darkened his lantern , and once more took his seat . dont you be alarmed , miss summerson , on account of our coming down here , he said , turning to me . i only want to have everything in train and to know that it is in train by looking after it myself . get on , my lad . we appeared to retrace the way we had come . not that i had taken note of any particular objects in my perturbed state of mind , but judging from the general character of the streets . we called at another office or station for a minute and crossed the river again . during the whole of this time , and during the whole search , my companion , wrapped up on the box , never relaxed in his vigilance a single moment but when we crossed the bridge he seemed , if possible , to be more on the alert than before . he stood up to look over the parapet , he alighted and went back after a shadowy female figure that flitted past us , and he gazed into the profound black pit of water with a face that made my heart die within me . the river had a fearful look , so overcast and secret , creeping away so fast between the low flat lines of shore  heavy with indistinct and awful shapes , both of substance and shadow so death like and mysterious . i have seen it many times since then , by sunlight and by moonlight , but never free from the impressions of that journey . in my memory the lights upon the bridge are always burning dim , the cutting wind is eddying round the homeless woman whom we pass , the monotonous wheels are whirling on , and the light of the carriage lamps reflected back looks palely in upon me  face rising out of the dreaded water . clattering and clattering through the empty streets , we came at length from the pavement on to dark smooth roads and began to leave the houses behind us . after a while i recognized the familiar way to saint albans . at barnet fresh horses were ready for us , and we changed and went on . it was very cold indeed , and the open country was white with snow , though none was falling then . an old acquaintance of yours , this road , miss summerson , said mr . bucket cheerfully . yes , i returned . have you gathered any intelligence . none that can be quite depended on as yet , he answered , but its early times as yet . he had gone into every late or early public house where there was a light they were not a few at that time , the road being then much frequented by drovers and had got down to talk to the turnpike keepers . i had heard him ordering drink , and chinking money , and making himself agreeable and merry everywhere but whenever he took his seat upon the box again , his face resumed its watchful steady look , and he always said to the driver in the same business tone , get on , my lad . with all these stoppages , it was between five and six oclock and we were yet a few miles short of saint albans when he came out of one of these houses and handed me in a cup of tea . drink it , miss summerson , itll do you good . youre beginning to get more yourself now , aint you . i thanked him and said i hoped so . you was what you may call stunned at first , he returned and lord , no wonder . dont speak loud , my dear . its all right . shes on ahead . i dont know what joyful exclamation i made or was going to make , but he put up his finger and i stopped myself . passed through here on foot this evening about eight or nine . i heard of her first at the archway toll , over at highgate , but couldnt make quite sure . traced her all along , on and off . picked her up at one place , and dropped her at another but shes before us now , safe . take hold of this cup and saucer , ostler . now , if you wasnt brought up to the butter trade , look out and see if you can catch half a crown in your tother hand . one , two , three , and there you are . now , my lad , try a gallop . we were soon in saint albans and alighted a little before day , when i was just beginning to arrange and comprehend the occurrences of the night and really to believe that they were not a dream . leaving the carriage at the posting house and ordering fresh horses to be ready , my companion gave me his arm , and we went towards home . as this is your regular abode , miss summerson , you see , he observed , i should like to know whether youve been asked for by any stranger answering the description , or whether mr . jarndyce has . i dont much expect it , but it might be . as we ascended the hill , he looked about him with a sharp eye  day was now breaking  reminded me that i had come down it one night , as i had reason for remembering , with my little servant and poor jo , whom he called toughey . i wondered how he knew that . when you passed a man upon the road , just yonder , you know , said mr . bucket . yes , i remembered that too , very well . that was me , said mr . bucket . seeing my surprise , he went on , i drove down in a gig that afternoon to look after that boy . you might have heard my wheels when you came out to look after him yourself , for i was aware of you and your little maid going up when i was walking the horse down . making an inquiry or two about him in the town , i soon heard what company he was in and was coming among the brick fields to look for him when i observed you bringing him home here . had he committed any crime . i asked . none was charged against him , said mr . bucket , coolly lifting off his hat , but i suppose he wasnt over particular . no . what i wanted him for was in connexion with keeping this very matter of lady dedlock quiet . he had been making his tongue more free than welcome as to a small accidental service he had been paid for by the deceased mr . tulkinghorn and it wouldnt do , at any sort of price , to have him playing those games . so having warned him out of london , i made an afternoon of it to warn him to keep out of it now he was away , and go farther from it , and maintain a bright look out that i didnt catch him coming back again . poor creature . said i . poor enough , assented mr . bucket , and trouble enough , and well enough away from london , or anywhere else . i was regularly turned on my back when i found him taken up by your establishment , i do assure you . i asked him why . why , my dear . said mr . bucket . naturally there was no end to his tongue then . he might as well have been born with a yard and a half of it , and a remnant over . although i remember this conversation now , my head was in confusion at the time , and my power of attention hardly did more than enable me to understand that he entered into these particulars to divert me . with the same kind intention , manifestly , he often spoke to me of indifferent things , while his face was busy with the one object that we had in view . he still pursued this subject as we turned in at the garden gate . ah . said mr . bucket . here we are , and a nice retired place it is . puts a man in mind of the country house in the woodpecker tapping, , that was known by the smoke which so gracefully curled . theyre early with the kitchen fire , and that denotes good servants . but what youve always got to be careful of with servants is who comes to see em you never know what theyre up to if you dont know that . and another thing , my dear . whenever you find a young man behind the kitchen door, , you give that young man in charge on suspicion of being secreted in a dwelling house with an unlawful purpose . we were now in front of the house he looked attentively and closely at the gravel for footprints before he raised his eyes to the windows . do you generally put that elderly young gentleman in the same room when hes on a visit here , miss summerson . he inquired , glancing at mr . skimpoles usual chamber . you know mr . skimpole . said i . what do you call him again . returned mr . bucket , bending down his ear . skimpole , is it . ive often wondered what his name might be . skimpole . not john , i should say , nor yet jacob . harold , i told him . harold . yes . hes a queer bird is harold , said mr . bucket , eyeing me with great expression . he is a singular character , said i . no idea of money , observed mr . bucket . he takes it , though . i involuntarily returned for answer that i perceived mr . bucket knew him . why , now ill tell you , miss summerson , he replied . your mind will be all the better for not running on one point too continually , and ill tell you for a change . it was him as pointed out to me where toughey was . i made up my mind that night to come to the door and ask for toughey , if that was all but willing to try a move or so first , if any such was on the board , i just pitched up a morsel of gravel at that window where i saw a shadow . as soon as harold opens it and i have had a look at him , thinks i , youre the man for me . so i smoothed him down a bit about not wanting to disturb the family after they was gone to bed and about its being a thing to be regretted that charitable young ladies should harbour vagrants and then , when i pretty well understood his ways , i said i should consider a fypunnote well bestowed if i could relieve the premises of toughey without causing any noise or trouble . then says he , lifting up his eyebrows in the gayest way , its no use mentioning a fypunnote to me , my friend , because im a mere child in such matters and have no idea of money . of course i understood what his taking it so easy meant and being now quite sure he was the man for me , i wrapped the note round a little stone and threw it up to him . well . he laughs and beams , and looks as innocent as you like , and says , but i dont know the value of these things . what am i to do with this . spend it , sir , says i . but i shall be taken in , he says , they wont give me the right change , i shall lose it , its no use to me . lord , you never saw such a face as he carried it with . of course he told me where to find toughey , and i found him . i regarded this as very treacherous on the part of mr . skimpole towards my guardian and as passing the usual bounds of his childish innocence . bounds , my dear . returned mr . bucket . bounds . now , miss summerson , ill give you a piece of advice that your husband will find useful when you are happily married and have got a family about you . whenever a person says to you that they are as innocent as can be in all concerning money , look well after your own money , for they are dead certain to collar it if they can . whenever a person proclaims to you in worldly matters im a child , you consider that person is only a crying off from being held accountable and that you have got that persons number , and its number one . now , i am not a poetical man myself , except in a vocal way when it goes round a company , but im a practical one , and thats my experience . sos this rule . fast and loose in one thing , fast and loose in everything . i never knew it fail . no more will you . nor no one . with which caution to the unwary , my dear , i take the liberty of pulling this here bell , and so go back to our business . i believe it had not been for a moment out of his mind , any more than it had been out of my mind , or out of his face . the whole household were amazed to see me , without any notice , at that time in the morning , and so accompanied and their surprise was not diminished by my inquiries . no one , however , had been there . it could not be doubted that this was the truth . then , miss summerson , said my companion , we cant be too soon at the cottage where those brickmakers are to be found . most inquiries there i leave to you , if youll be so good as to make em . the naturalest way is the best way , and the naturalest way is your own way . we set off again immediately . on arriving at the cottage , we found it shut up and apparently deserted , but one of the neighbours who knew me and who came out when i was trying to make some one hear informed me that the two women and their husbands now lived together in another house , made of loose rough bricks , which stood on the margin of the piece of ground where the kilns were and where the long rows of bricks were drying . we lost no time in repairing to this place , which was within a few hundred yards and as the door stood ajar , i pushed it open . there were only three of them sitting at breakfast , the child lying asleep on a bed in the corner . it was jenny , the mother of the dead child , who was absent . the other woman rose on seeing me and the men , though they were , as usual , sulky and silent , each gave me a morose nod of recognition . a look passed between them when mr . bucket followed me in , and i was surprised to see that the woman evidently knew him . i had asked leave to enter of course . liz the only name by which i knew her rose to give me her own chair , but i sat down on a stool near the fire , and mr . bucket took a corner of the bedstead . now that i had to speak and was among people with whom i was not familiar , i became conscious of being hurried and giddy . it was very difficult to begin , and i could not help bursting into tears . liz , said i , have come a long way in the night and through the snow to inquire after a lady  who has been here , you know , mr . bucket struck in , addressing the whole group with a composed propitiatory face thats the lady the young lady means . the lady that was here last night , you know . and who told you as there was anybody here . inquired jennys husband , who had made a surly stop in his eating to listen and now measured him with his eye . a person of the name of michael jackson , with a blue welveteen waistcoat with a double row of mother of pearl buttons , mr . bucket immediately answered . he had as good mind his own business , whoever he is , growled the man . hes out of employment , i believe , said mr . bucket apologetically for michael jackson , and so gets talking . the woman had not resumed her chair , but stood faltering with her hand upon its broken back , looking at me . i thought she would have spoken to me privately if she had dared . she was still in this attitude of uncertainty when her husband , who was eating with a lump of bread and fat in one hand and his clasp knife in the other , struck the handle of his knife violently on the table and told her with an oath to mind her own business at any rate and sit down . i should like to have seen jenny very much , said i , for i am sure she would have told me all she could about this lady , whom i am very anxious indeed  cannot think how anxious  overtake . will jenny be here soon . where is she . the woman had a great desire to answer , but the man , with another oath , openly kicked at her foot with his heavy boot . he left it to jennys husband to say what he chose , and after a dogged silence the latter turned his shaggy head towards me . im not partial to gentlefolks coming into my place , as youve heerd me say afore now , i think , miss . i let their places be , and its curious they cant let my place be . thered be a pretty shine made if i was to go a wisitin them , i think . howsoever , i dont so much complain of you as of some others , and im agreeable to make you a civil answer , though i give notice that im not a going to be drawed like a badger . will jenny be here soon . no she wont . where is she . shes gone up to lunnun . did she go last night . i asked . did she go last night . ah . she went last night , he answered with a sulky jerk of his head . but was she here when the lady came . and what did the lady say to her . and where is the lady gone . i beg and pray you to be so kind as to tell me , said i , for i am in great distress to know . if my master would let me speak , and not say a word of harm  the woman timidly began . your master , said her husband , muttering an imprecation with slow emphasis , will break your neck if you meddle with wot dont concern you . after another silence , the husband of the absent woman , turning to me again , answered me with his usual grumbling unwillingness . wos jenny here when the lady come . yes , she wos here when the lady come . wot did the lady say to her . well , ill tell you wot the lady said to her . she said , you remember me as come one time to talk to you about the young lady as had been a wisiting of you . you remember me as give you somethink handsome for a handkercher wot she had left . ah , she remembered . so we all did . well , then , wos that young lady up at the house now . no , she warnt up at the house now . well , then , lookee here . the lady was upon a journey all alone , strange as we might think it , and could she rest herself where youre a setten for a hour or so . yes she could , and so she did . then she went  might be at twenty minutes past eleven , and it might be at twenty minutes past twelve we aint got no watches here to know the time by , nor yet clocks . where did she go . i dont know where she god . she went one way , and jenny went another one went right to lunnun , and tother went right from it . thats all about it . ask this man . he heerd it all , and see it all . he knows . the other man repeated , thats all about it . was the lady crying . i inquired . devil a bit , returned the first man . her shoes was the worse , and her clothes was the worse , but she warnt  as i see . the woman sat with her arms crossed and her eyes upon the ground . her husband had turned his seat a little so as to face her and kept his hammer like hand upon the table as if it were in readiness to execute his threat if she disobeyed him . i hope you will not object to my asking your wife , said i , how the lady looked . come , then . he gruffly cried to her . you hear what she says . cut it short and tell her . bad , replied the woman . pale and exhausted . very bad . did she speak much . not much , but her voice was hoarse . she answered , looking all the while at her husband for leave . was she faint . said i . did she eat or drink here . go on . said the husband in answer to her look . tell her and cut it short . she had a little water , miss , and jenny fetched her some bread and tea . but she hardly touched it . and when she went from here , i was proceeding , when jennys husband impatiently took me up . when she went from here , she went right away norard by the high road . ask on the road if you doubt me , and see if it warnt so . now , theres the end . thats all about it . i glanced at my companion , and finding that he had already risen and was ready to depart , thanked them for what they had told me , and took my leave . the woman looked full at mr . bucket as he went out , and he looked full at her . now , miss summerson , he said to me as we walked quickly away . theyve got her ladyships watch among em . thats a positive fact . you saw it . i exclaimed . just as good as saw it , he returned . else why should he talk about his twenty minutes past and about his having no watch to tell the time by . twenty minutes . he dont usually cut his time so fine as that . if he comes to half hours, , its as much as he does . now , you see , either her ladyship gave him that watch or he took it . i think she gave it him . now , what should she give it him for . what should she give it him for . he repeated this question to himself several times as we hurried on , appearing to balance between a variety of answers that arose in his mind . if time could be spared , said mr . bucket , which is the only thing that cant be spared in this case , i might get it out of that woman but its too doubtful a chance to trust to under present circumstances . they are up to keeping a close eye upon her , and any fool knows that a poor creetur like her , beaten and kicked and scarred and bruised from head to foot , will stand by the husband that ill uses her through thick and thin . theres something kept back . its a pity but what we had seen the other woman . i regretted it exceedingly , for she was very grateful , and i felt sure would have resisted no entreaty of mine . its possible , miss summerson , said mr . bucket , pondering on it , that her ladyship sent her up to london with some word for you , and its possible that her husband got the watch to let her go . it dont come out altogether so plain as to please me , but its on the cards . now , i dont take kindly to laying out the money of sir leicester dedlock , baronet , on these roughs , and i dont see my way to the usefulness of it at present . no . so far our road , miss summerson , is forard  ahead  keeping everything quiet . we called at home once more that i might send a hasty note to my guardian , and then we hurried back to where we had left the carriage . the horses were brought out as soon as we were seen coming , and we were on the road again in a few minutes . it had set in snowing at daybreak , and it now snowed hard . the air was so thick with the darkness of the day and the density of the fall that we could see but a very little way in any direction . although it was extremely cold , the snow was but partially frozen , and it churned  a sound as if it were a beach of small shells  the hoofs of the horses into mire and water . they sometimes slipped and floundered for a mile together , and we were obliged to come to a standstill to rest them . one horse fell three times in this first stage , and trembled so and was so shaken that the driver had to dismount from his saddle and lead him at last . i could eat nothing and could not sleep , and i grew so nervous under those delays and the slow pace at which we travelled that i had an unreasonable desire upon me to get out and walk . yielding to my companions better sense , however , i remained where i was . all this time , kept fresh by a certain enjoyment of the work in which he was engaged , he was up and down at every house we came to , addressing people whom he had never beheld before as old acquaintances , running in to warm himself at every fire he saw , talking and drinking and shaking hands at every bar and tap , friendly with every waggoner , wheelwright , blacksmith , and toll taker, , yet never seeming to lose time , and always mounting to the box again with his watchful , steady face and his business like get on , my lad . when we were changing horses the next time , he came from the stable yard, , with the wet snow encrusted upon him and dropping off him  and crashing through it to his wet knees as he had been doing frequently since we left saint albans  spoke to me at the carriage side . keep up your spirits . its certainly true that she came on here , miss summerson . theres not a doubt of the dress by this time , and the dress has been seen here . still on foot . said i . still on foot . i think the gentleman you mentioned must be the point shes aiming at , and yet i dont like his living down in her own part of the country neither . i know so little , said i . there may be some one else nearer here , of whom i never heard . thats true . but whatever you do , dont you fall a crying, , my dear and dont you worry yourself no more than you can help . get on , my lad . the sleet fell all that day unceasingly , a thick mist came on early , and it never rose or lightened for a moment . such roads i had never seen . i sometimes feared we had missed the way and got into the ploughed grounds or the marshes . if i ever thought of the time i had been out , it presented itself as an indefinite period of great duration , and i seemed , in a strange way , never to have been free from the anxiety under which i then laboured . as we advanced , i began to feel misgivings that my companion lost confidence . he was the same as before with all the roadside people , but he looked graver when he sat by himself on the box . i saw his finger uneasily going across and across his mouth during the whole of one long weary stage . i overheard that he began to ask the drivers of coaches and other vehicles coming towards us what passengers they had seen in other coaches and vehicles that were in advance . their replies did not encourage him . he always gave me a reassuring beck of his finger and lift of his eyelid as he got upon the box again , but he seemed perplexed now when he said , get on , my lad . at last , when we were changing , he told me that he had lost the track of the dress so long that he began to be surprised . it was nothing , he said , to lose such a track for one while , and to take it up for another while , and so on but it had disappeared here in an unaccountable manner , and we had not come upon it since . this corroborated the apprehensions i had formed , when he began to look at direction posts, , and to leave the carriage at cross roads for a quarter of an hour at a time while he explored them . but i was not to be down hearted, , he told me , for it was as likely as not that the next stage might set us right again . the next stage , however , ended as that one ended we had no new clue . there was a spacious inn here , solitary , but a comfortable substantial building , and as we drove in under a large gateway before i knew it , where a landlady and her pretty daughters came to the carriage door, , entreating me to alight and refresh myself while the horses were making ready , i thought it would be uncharitable to refuse . they took me upstairs to a warm room and left me there . it was at the corner of the house , i remember , looking two ways . on one side to a stable yard open to a by road, , where the ostlers were unharnessing the splashed and tired horses from the muddy carriage , and beyond that to the by road itself , across which the sign was heavily swinging on the other side to a wood of dark pine trees . their branches were encumbered with snow , and it silently dropped off in wet heaps while i stood at the window . night was setting in , and its bleakness was enhanced by the contrast of the pictured fire glowing and gleaming in the window pane . as i looked among the stems of the trees and followed the discoloured marks in the snow where the thaw was sinking into it and undermining it , i thought of the motherly face brightly set off by daughters that had just now welcomed me and of my mother lying down in such a wood to die . i was frightened when i found them all about me , but i remembered that before i fainted i tried very hard not to do it and that was some little comfort . they cushioned me up on a large sofa by the fire , and then the comely landlady told me that i must travel no further to night, , but must go to bed . but this put me into such a tremble lest they should detain me there that she soon recalled her words and compromised for a rest of half an hour . a good endearing creature she was . she and her three fair girls , all so busy about me . i was to take hot soup and broiled fowl , while mr . bucket dried himself and dined elsewhere but i could not do it when a snug round table was presently spread by the fireside , though i was very unwilling to disappoint them . however , i could take some toast and some hot negus , and as i really enjoyed that refreshment , it made some recompense . punctual to the time , at the half hours end the carriage came rumbling under the gateway , and they took me down , warmed , refreshed , comforted by kindness , and safe not to faint any more . after i had got in and had taken a grateful leave of them all , the youngest daughter  blooming girl of nineteen , who was to be the first married , they had told me  upon the carriage step , reached in , and kissed me . i have never seen her , from that hour , but i think of her to this hour as my friend . the transparent windows with the fire and light , looking so bright and warm from the cold darkness out of doors , were soon gone , and again we were crushing and churning the loose snow . we went on with toil enough , but the dismal roads were not much worse than they had been , and the stage was only nine miles . my companion smoking on the box  had thought at the last inn of begging him to do so when i saw him standing at a great fire in a comfortable cloud of tobacco  as vigilant as ever and as quickly down and up again when we came to any human abode or any human creature . he had lighted his little dark lantern , which seemed to be a favourite with him , for we had lamps to the carriage and every now and then he turned it upon me to see that i was doing well . there was a folding window to the carriage head, , but i never closed it , for it seemed like shutting out hope . we came to the end of the stage , and still the lost trace was not recovered . i looked at him anxiously when we stopped to change , but i knew by his yet graver face as he stood watching the ostlers that he had heard nothing . almost in an instant afterwards , as i leaned back in my seat , he looked in , with his lighted lantern in his hand , an excited and quite different man . what is it . said i , starting . is she here . no , . dont deceive yourself , my dear . nobodys here . but ive got it . the crystallized snow was in his eyelashes , in his hair , lying in ridges on his dress . he had to shake it from his face and get his breath before he spoke to me . now , miss summerson , said he , beating his finger on the apron , dont you be disappointed at what im a going to do . you know me . im inspector bucket , and you can trust me . weve come a long way never mind . four horses out there for the next stage up . quick . there was a commotion in the yard , and a man came running out of the stables to know if he meant up or down . up , i tell you . up . aint it english . up . up . said i , astonished . to london . are we going back . miss summerson , he answered , back . straight back as a die . you know me . dont be afraid . ill follow the other , by g  the other . i repeated . who . you called her jenny , didnt you . ill follow her . bring those two pair out here for a crown a man . wake up , some of you . you will not desert this lady we are in search of you will not abandon her on such a night and in such a state of mind as i know her to be in . said i , in an agony , and grasping his hand . you are right , my dear , i wont . but ill follow the other . look alive here with them horses . send a man forard in the saddle to the next stage , and let him send another forard again , and order four on , up , right through . my darling , dont you be afraid . these orders and the way in which he ran about the yard urging them caused a general excitement that was scarcely less bewildering to me than the sudden change . but in the height of the confusion , a mounted man galloped away to order the relays , and our horses were put to with great speed . my dear , said mr . bucket , jumping to his seat and looking in again , excuse me if im too familiar  you fret and worry yourself no more than you can help . i say nothing else at present but you know me , my dear now , dont you . i endeavoured to say that i knew he was far more capable than i of deciding what we ought to do , but was he sure that this was right . could i not go forward by myself in search of  grasped his hand again in my distress and whispered it to him  my own mother . my dear , he answered , i know , i know , and would i put you wrong , do you think . inspector bucket . now you know me , dont you . what could i say but yes . then you keep up as good a heart as you can , and you rely upon me for standing by you , no less than by sir leicester dedlock , baronet . now , are you right there . all right , sir . off she goes , then . and get on , my lads . we were again upon the melancholy road by which we had come , tearing up the miry sleet and thawing snow as if they were torn up by a waterwheel . chapter lviii a wintry day and night still impassive , as behoves its breeding , the dedlock town house carries itself as usual towards the street of dismal grandeur . there are powdered heads from time to time in the little windows of the hall , looking out at the untaxed powder falling all day from the sky and in the same conservatory there is peach blossom turning itself exotically to the great hall fire from the nipping weather out of doors . it is given out that my lady has gone down into lincolnshire , but is expected to return presently . rumour , busy overmuch , however , will not go down into lincolnshire . it persists in flitting and chattering about town . it knows that poor unfortunate man , sir leicester , has been sadly used . it hears , my dear child , all sorts of shocking things . it makes the world of five miles round quite merry . not to know that there is something wrong at the dedlocks is to augur yourself unknown . one of the peachy cheeked charmers with the skeleton throats is already apprised of all the principal circumstances that will come out before the lords on sir leicesters application for a bill of divorce . at blaze and sparkles the jewellers and at sheen and glosss the mercers , it is and will be for several hours the topic of the age , the feature of the century . the patronesses of those establishments , albeit so loftily inscrutable , being as nicely weighed and measured there as any other article of the stock in , are perfectly understood in this new fashion by the rawest hand behind the counter . our people , mr . jones , said blaze and sparkle to the hand in question on engaging him , our people , sir , are sheep  . where two or three marked ones go , all the rest follow . keep those two or three in your eye , mr . jones , and you have the flock . so , likewise , sheen and gloss to their jones , in reference to knowing where to have the fashionable people and how to bring what they choose into fashion . on similar unerring principles , mr . sladdery the librarian , and indeed the great farmer of gorgeous sheep , admits this very day , why yes , sir , there certainly are reports concerning lady dedlock , very current indeed among my high connexion , sir . you see , my high connexion must talk about something , sir and its only to get a subject into vogue with one or two ladies i could name to make it go down with the whole . just what i should have done with those ladies , sir , in the case of any novelty you had left to me to bring in , they have done of themselves in this case through knowing lady dedlock and being perhaps a little innocently jealous of her too , sir . youll find , sir , that this topic will be very popular among my high connexion . if it had been a speculation , sir , it would have brought money . and when i say so , you may trust to my being right , sir , for i have made it my business to study my high connexion and to be able to wind it up like a clock , sir . thus rumour thrives in the capital , and will not go down into lincolnshire . by half past five , post meridian , horse guards time , it has even elicited a new remark from the honourable mr . stables , which bids fair to outshine the old one , on which he has so long rested his colloquial reputation . this sparkling sally is to the effect that although he always knew she was the best groomed woman in the stud , he had no idea she was a bolter . it is immensely received in turf circles . at feasts and festivals also , in firmaments she has often graced , and among constellations she outshone but yesterday , she is still the prevalent subject . what is it . who is it . when was it . where was it . how was it . she is discussed by her dear friends with all the genteelest slang in vogue , with the last new word , the last new manner , the last new drawl , and the perfection of polite indifference . a remarkable feature of the theme is that it is found to be so inspiring that several people come out upon it who never came out before  say things . william buffy carries one of these smartnesses from the place where he dines down to the house , where the whip for his party hands it about with his snuff box to keep men together who want to be off , with such effect that the speaker who has had it privately insinuated into his own ear under the corner of his wig cries , order at the bar . three times without making an impression . and not the least amazing circumstance connected with her being vaguely the town talk is that people hovering on the confines of mr . sladderys high connexion , people who know nothing and ever did know nothing about her , think it essential to their reputation to pretend that she is their topic too , and to retail her at second hand with the last new word and the last new manner , and the last new drawl , and the last new polite indifference , and all the rest of it , all at second hand but considered equal to new in inferior systems and to fainter stars . if there be any man of letters , art , or science among these little dealers , how noble in him to support the feeble sisters on such majestic crutches . so goes the wintry day outside the dedlock mansion . how within it . sir leicester , lying in his bed , can speak a little , though with difficulty and indistinctness . he is enjoined to silence and to rest , and they have given him some opiate to lull his pain , for his old enemy is very hard with him . he is never asleep , though sometimes he seems to fall into a dull waking doze . he caused his bedstead to be moved out nearer to the window when he heard it was such inclement weather , and his head to be so adjusted that he could see the driving snow and sleet . he watches it as it falls , throughout the whole wintry day . upon the least noise in the house , which is kept hushed , his hand is at the pencil . the old housekeeper , sitting by him , knows what he would write and whispers , no , he has not come back yet , sir leicester . it was late last night when he went . he has been but a little time gone yet . he withdraws his hand and falls to looking at the sleet and snow again until they seem , by being long looked at , to fall so thick and fast that he is obliged to close his eyes for a minute on the giddy whirl of white flakes and icy blots . he began to look at them as soon as it was light . the day is not yet far spent when he conceives it to be necessary that her rooms should be prepared for her . it is very cold and wet . let there be good fires . let them know that she is expected . please see to it yourself . he writes to this purpose on his slate , and mrs . rouncewell with a heavy heart obeys . for i dread , george , the old lady says to her son , who waits below to keep her company when she has a little leisure , i dread , my dear , that my lady will never more set foot within these walls . thats a bad presentiment , mother . nor yet within the walls of chesney wold , my dear . thats worse . but why , mother . when i saw my lady yesterday , george , she looked to me  i may say at me too  if the step on the ghosts walk had almost walked her down . come , . you alarm yourself with old story fears , mother . no i dont , my dear . no i dont . its going on for sixty year that i have been in this family , and i never had any fears for it before . but its breaking up , my dear the great old dedlock family is breaking up . i hope not , mother . i am thankful i have lived long enough to be with sir leicester in this illness and trouble , for i know i am not too old nor too useless to be a welcomer sight to him than anybody else in my place would be . but the step on the ghosts walk will walk my lady down , george it has been many a day behind her , and now it will pass her and go on . well , mother dear , i say again , i hope not . ah , so do i , george , the old lady returns , shaking her head and parting her folded hands . but if my fears come true , and he has to know it , who will tell him . are these her rooms . these are my ladys rooms , just as she left them . why , now , says the trooper , glancing round him and speaking in a lower voice , i begin to understand how you come to think as you do think , mother . rooms get an awful look about them when they are fitted up , like these , for one person you are used to see in them , and that person is away under any shadow , let alone being god knows where . he is not far out . as all partings foreshadow the great final one , so , empty rooms , bereft of a familiar presence , mournfully whisper what your room and what mine must one day be . my ladys state has a hollow look , thus gloomy and abandoned and in the inner apartment , where mr . bucket last night made his secret perquisition , the traces of her dresses and her ornaments , even the mirrors accustomed to reflect them when they were a portion of herself , have a desolate and vacant air . dark and cold as the wintry day is , it is darker and colder in these deserted chambers than in many a hut that will barely exclude the weather and though the servants heap fires in the grates and set the couches and the chairs within the warm glass screens that let their ruddy light shoot through to the furthest corners , there is a heavy cloud upon the rooms which no light will dispel . the old housekeeper and her son remain until the preparations are complete , and then she returns upstairs . volumnia has taken mrs . rouncewells place in the meantime , though pearl necklaces and rouge pots , however calculated to embellish bath , are but indifferent comforts to the invalid under present circumstances . volumnia , not being supposed to know what is the matter , has found it a ticklish task to offer appropriate observations and consequently has supplied their place with distracting smoothings of the bed linen, , elaborate locomotion on tiptoe , vigilant peeping at her kinsmans eyes , and one exasperating whisper to herself of , he is asleep . in disproof of which superfluous remark sir leicester has indignantly written on the slate , i am not . yielding , therefore , the chair at the bedside to the quaint old housekeeper , volumnia sits at a table a little removed , sympathetically sighing . sir leicester watches the sleet and snow and listens for the returning steps that he expects . in the ears of his old servant , looking as if she had stepped out of an old picture frame to attend a summoned dedlock to another world , the silence is fraught with echoes of her own words , who will tell him . he has been under his valets hands this morning to be made presentable and is as well got up as the circumstances will allow . he is propped with pillows , his grey hair is brushed in its usual manner , his linen is arranged to a nicety , and he is wrapped in a responsible dressing gown . his eye glass and his watch are ready to his hand . it is necessary  to his own dignity now perhaps than for her sake  he should be seen as little disturbed and as much himself as may be . women will talk , and volumnia , though a dedlock , is no exceptional case . he keeps her here , there is little doubt , to prevent her talking somewhere else . he is very ill , but he makes his present stand against distress of mind and body most courageously . the fair volumnia , being one of those sprightly girls who cannot long continue silent without imminent peril of seizure by the dragon boredom , soon indicates the approach of that monster with a series of undisguisable yawns . finding it impossible to suppress those yawns by any other process than conversation , she compliments mrs . rouncewell on her son , declaring that he positively is one of the finest figures she ever saw and as soldierly a looking person , she should think , as whats his name , her favourite life guardsman  man she dotes on , the dearest of creatures  was killed at waterloo . sir leicester hears this tribute with so much surprise and stares about him in such a confused way that mrs . rouncewell feels it necessary to explain . miss dedlock dont speak of my eldest son , sir leicester , but my youngest . i have found him . he has come home . sir leicester breaks silence with a harsh cry . george . your son george come home , mrs . rouncewell . the old housekeeper wipes her eyes . thank god . yes , sir leicester . does this discovery of some one lost , this return of some one so long gone , come upon him as a strong confirmation of his hopes . does he think , shall i not , with the aid i have , recall her safely after this , there being fewer hours in her case than there are years in his . it is of no use entreating him he is determined to speak now , and he does . in a thick crowd of sounds , but still intelligibly enough to be understood . why did you not tell me , mrs . rouncewell . it happened only yesterday , sir leicester , and i doubted your being well enough to be talked to of such things . besides , the giddy volumnia now remembers with her little scream that nobody was to have known of his being mrs . rouncewells son and that she was not to have told . but mrs . rouncewell protests , with warmth enough to swell the stomacher , that of course she would have told sir leicester as soon as he got better . where is your son george , mrs . rouncewell . asks sir leicester , mrs . rouncewell , not a little alarmed by his disregard of the doctors injunctions , replies , in london . where in london . mrs . rouncewell is constrained to admit that he is in the house . bring him here to my room . bring him directly . the old lady can do nothing but go in search of him . sir leicester , with such power of movement as he has , arranges himself a little to receive him . when he has done so , he looks out again at the falling sleet and snow and listens again for the returning steps . a quantity of straw has been tumbled down in the street to deaden the noises there , and she might be driven to the door perhaps without his hearing wheels . he is lying thus , apparently forgetful of his newer and minor surprise , when the housekeeper returns , accompanied by her trooper son . mr . george approaches softly to the bedside , makes his bow , squares his chest , and stands , with his face flushed , very heartily ashamed of himself . good heaven , and it is really george rouncewell . exclaims sir leicester . do you remember me , george . the trooper needs to look at him and to separate this sound from that sound before he knows what he has said , but doing this and being a little helped by his mother , he replies , i must have a very bad memory , indeed , sir leicester , if i failed to remember you . when i look at you , george rouncewell , sir leicester observes with difficulty , i see something of a boy at chesney wold  remember well  . he looks at the trooper until tears come into his eyes , and then he looks at the sleet and snow again . i ask your pardon , sir leicester , says the trooper , but would you accept of my arms to raise you up . you would lie easier , sir leicester , if you would allow me to move you . if you please , george rouncewell if you will be so good . the trooper takes him in his arms like a child , lightly raises him , and turns him with his face more towards the window . thank you . you have your mothers gentleness , returns sir leicester , and your own strength . thank you . he signs to him with his hand not to go away . george quietly remains at the bedside , waiting to be spoken to . why did you wish for secrecy . it takes sir leicester some time to ask this . truly i am not much to boast of , sir leicester , and i  should still , sir leicester , if you was not so indisposed  i hope you will not be long  should still hope for the favour of being allowed to remain unknown in general . that involves explanations not very hard to be guessed at , not very well timed here , and not very creditable to myself . however opinions may differ on a variety of subjects , i should think it would be universally agreed , sir leicester , that i am not much to boast of . you have been a soldier , observes sir leicester , and a faithful one . george makes his military bow . as far as that goes , sir leicester , i have done my duty under discipline , and it was the least i could do . you find me , says sir leicester , whose eyes are much attracted towards him , far from well , george rouncewell . i am very sorry both to hear it and to see it , sir leicester . i am sure you are . no . in addition to my older malady , i have had a sudden and bad attack . something that deadens , making an endeavour to pass one hand down one side , and confuses , touching his lips . george , with a look of assent and sympathy , makes another bow . the different times when they were both young men the trooper much the younger of the two and looked at one another down at chesney wold arise before them both and soften both . sir leicester , evidently with a great determination to say , in his own manner , something that is on his mind before relapsing into silence , tries to raise himself among his pillows a little more . george , observant of the action , takes him in his arms again and places him as he desires to be . thank you , george . you are another self to me . you have often carried my spare gun at chesney wold , george . you are familiar to me in these strange circumstances , very familiar . he has put sir leicesters sounder arm over his shoulder in lifting him up , and sir leicester is slow in drawing it away again as he says these words . i was about to add , he presently goes on , i was about to add , respecting this attack , that it was unfortunately simultaneous with a slight misunderstanding between my lady and myself . i do not mean that there was any difference between us but that there was a misunderstanding of certain circumstances important only to ourselves , which deprives me , for a little while , of my ladys society . she has found it necessary to make a journey  trust will shortly return . volumnia , do i make myself intelligible . the words are not quite under my command in the manner of pronouncing them . volumnia understands him perfectly , and in truth he delivers himself with far greater plainness than could have been supposed possible a minute ago . the effort by which he does so is written in the anxious and labouring expression of his face . nothing but the strength of his purpose enables him to make it . therefore , volumnia , i desire to say in your presence  in the presence of my old retainer and friend , mrs . rouncewell , whose truth and fidelity no one can question , and in the presence of her son george , who comes back like a familiar recollection of my youth in the home of my ancestors at chesney wold  case i should relapse , in case i should not recover , in case i should lose both my speech and the power of writing , though i hope for better things  the old housekeeper weeping silently volumnia in the greatest agitation , with the freshest bloom on her cheeks the trooper with his arms folded and his head a little bent , respectfully attentive . therefore i desire to say , and to call you all to witness  , volumnia , with yourself , most solemnly  i am on unaltered terms with lady dedlock . that i assert no cause whatever of complaint against her . that i have ever had the strongest affection for her , and that i retain it undiminished . say this to herself , and to every one . if you ever say less than this , you will be guilty of deliberate falsehood to me . volumnia tremblingly protests that she will observe his injunctions to the letter . my lady is too high in position , too handsome , too accomplished , too superior in most respects to the best of those by whom she is surrounded , not to have her enemies and traducers , i dare say . let it be known to them , as i make it known to you , that being of sound mind , memory , and understanding , i revoke no disposition i have made in her favour . i abridge nothing i have ever bestowed upon her . i am on unaltered terms with her , and i recall  the full power to do it if i were so disposed , as you see  act i have done for her advantage and happiness . his formal array of words might have at any other time , as it has often had , something ludicrous in it , but at this time it is serious and affecting . his noble earnestness , his fidelity , his gallant shielding of her , his generous conquest of his own wrong and his own pride for her sake , are simply honourable , manly , and true . nothing less worthy can be seen through the lustre of such qualities in the commonest mechanic , nothing less worthy can be seen in the best born gentleman . in such a light both aspire alike , both rise alike , both children of the dust shine equally . overpowered by his exertions , he lays his head back on his pillows and closes his eyes for not more than a minute , when he again resumes his watching of the weather and his attention to the muffled sounds . in the rendering of those little services , and in the manner of their acceptance , the trooper has become installed as necessary to him . nothing has been said , but it is quite understood . he falls a step or two backward to be out of sight and mounts guard a little behind his mothers chair . the day is now beginning to decline . the mist and the sleet into which the snow has all resolved itself are darker , and the blaze begins to tell more vividly upon the room walls and furniture . the gloom augments the bright gas springs up in the streets and the pertinacious oil lamps which yet hold their ground there , with their source of life half frozen and half thawed , twinkle gaspingly like fiery fish out of water  they are . the world , which has been rumbling over the straw and pulling at the bell , to inquire , begins to go home , begins to dress , to dine , to discuss its dear friend with all the last new modes , as already mentioned . now does sir leicester become worse , restless , uneasy , and in great pain . volumnia , lighting a candle with a predestined aptitude for doing something objectionable , is bidden to put it out again , for it is not yet dark enough . yet it is very dark too , as dark as it will be all night . by and by she tries again . no . put it out . it is not dark enough yet . his old housekeeper is the first to understand that he is striving to uphold the fiction with himself that it is not growing late . dear sir leicester , my honoured master , she softly whispers , i must , for your own good , and my duty , take the freedom of begging and praying that you will not lie here in the lone darkness watching and waiting and dragging through the time . let me draw the curtains , and light the candles , and make things more comfortable about you . the church clocks will strike the hours just the same , sir leicester , and the night will pass away just the same . my lady will come back , just the same . i know it , mrs . rouncewell , but i am weak  he has been so long gone . not so very long , sir leicester . not twenty four hours yet . but that is a long time . oh , it is a long time . he says it with a groan that wrings her heart . she knows that this is not a period for bringing the rough light upon him she thinks his tears too sacred to be seen , even by her . therefore she sits in the darkness for a while without a word , then gently begins to move about , now stirring the fire , now standing at the dark window looking out . finally he tells her , with recovered self command, , as you say , mrs . rouncewell , it is no worse for being confessed . it is getting late , and they are not come . light the room . when it is lighted and the weather shut out , it is only left to him to listen . but they find that however dejected and ill he is , he brightens when a quiet pretence is made of looking at the fires in her rooms and being sure that everything is ready to receive her . poor pretence as it is , these allusions to her being expected keep up hope within him . midnight comes , and with it the same blank . the carriages in the streets are few , and other late sounds in that neighbourhood there are none , unless a man so very nomadically drunk as to stray into the frigid zone goes brawling and bellowing along the pavement . upon this wintry night it is so still that listening to the intense silence is like looking at intense darkness . if any distant sound be audible in this case , it departs through the gloom like a feeble light in that , and all is heavier than before . the corporation of servants are dismissed to bed not unwilling to go , for they were up all last night , and only mrs . rouncewell and george keep watch in sir leicesters room . as the night lags tardily on  rather when it seems to stop altogether , at between two and three oclock  find a restless craving on him to know more about the weather , now he cannot see it . hence george , patrolling regularly every half hour to the rooms so carefully looked after , extends his march to the hall door, , looks about him , and brings back the best report he can make of the worst of nights , the sleet still falling and even the stone footways lying ankle deep in icy sludge . volumnia , in her room up a retired landing on the staircase  second turning past the end of the carving and gilding , a cousinly room containing a fearful abortion of a portrait of sir leicester banished for its crimes , and commanding in the day a solemn yard planted with dried up shrubs like antediluvian specimens of black tea  a prey to horrors of many kinds . not last nor least among them , possibly , is a horror of what may befall her little income in the event , as she expresses it , of anything happening to sir leicester . anything , in this sense , meaning one thing only and that the last thing that can happen to the consciousness of any baronet in the known world . an effect of these horrors is that volumnia finds she cannot go to bed in her own room or sit by the fire in her own room , but must come forth with her fair head tied up in a profusion of shawl , and her fair form enrobed in drapery , and parade the mansion like a ghost , particularly haunting the rooms , warm and luxurious , prepared for one who still does not return . solitude under such circumstances being not to be thought of , volumnia is attended by her maid , who , impressed from her own bed for that purpose , extremely cold , very sleepy , and generally an injured maid as condemned by circumstances to take office with a cousin , when she had resolved to be maid to nothing less than ten thousand a year , has not a sweet expression of countenance . the periodical visits of the trooper to these rooms , however , in the course of his patrolling is an assurance of protection and company both to mistress and maid , which renders them very acceptable in the small hours of the night . whenever he is heard advancing , they both make some little decorative preparation to receive him at other times they divide their watches into short scraps of oblivion and dialogues not wholly free from acerbity , as to whether miss dedlock , sitting with her feet upon the fender , was or was not falling into the fire when rescued by her guardian genius the maid . how is sir leicester now , mr . george . inquires volumnia , adjusting her cowl over her head . why , sir leicester is much the same , miss . he is very low and ill , and he even wanders a little sometimes . has he asked for me . inquires volumnia tenderly . why , no , i cant say he has , miss . not within my hearing , that is to say . this is a truly sad time , mr . george . it is indeed , miss . hadnt you better go to bed . you had a deal better go to bed , miss dedlock , quoth the maid sharply . but volumnia answers no . no . she may be asked for , she may be wanted at a moments notice . she never should forgive herself if anything was to happen and she was not on the spot . she declines to enter on the question , mooted by the maid , how the spot comes to be there , and not in her room but staunchly declares that on the spot she will remain . volumnia further makes a merit of not having closed an eye  if she had twenty or thirty  it is hard to reconcile this statement with her having most indisputably opened two within five minutes . but when it comes to four oclock , and still the same blank , volumnias constancy begins to fail her , or rather it begins to strengthen , for she now considers that it is her duty to be ready for the morrow , when much may be expected of her , that , in fact , howsoever anxious to remain upon the spot , it may be required of her , as an act of self devotion, , to desert the spot . so when the trooper reappears with his , hadnt you better go to bed , miss . and when the maid protests , more sharply than before , you had a deal better go to bed , miss dedlock . she meekly rises and says , do with me what you think best . mr . george undoubtedly thinks it best to escort her on his arm to the door of her cousinly chamber , and the maid as undoubtedly thinks it best to hustle her into bed with mighty little ceremony . accordingly , these steps are taken and now the trooper , in his rounds , has the house to himself . there is no improvement in the weather . from the portico , from the eaves , from the parapet , from every ledge and post and pillar , drips the thawed snow . it has crept , as if for shelter , into the lintels of the great door  it , into the corners of the windows , into every chink and crevice of retreat , and there wastes and dies . it is falling still upon the roof , upon the skylight , even through the skylight , and drip , with the regularity of the ghosts walk , on the stone floor below . the trooper , his old recollections awakened by the solitary grandeur of a great house  novelty to him once at chesney wold  up the stairs and through the chief rooms , holding up his light at arms length . thinking of his varied fortunes within the last few weeks , and of his rustic boyhood , and of the two periods of his life so strangely brought together across the wide intermediate space thinking of the murdered man whose image is fresh in his mind thinking of the lady who has disappeared from these very rooms and the tokens of whose recent presence are all here thinking of the master of the house upstairs and of the foreboding , who will tell him . he looks here and looks there , and reflects how he might see something now , which it would tax his boldness to walk up to , lay his hand upon , and prove to be a fancy . but it is all blank , as the darkness above and below , while he goes up the great staircase again , blank as the oppressive silence . all is still in readiness , george rouncewell . quite orderly and right , sir leicester . no word of any kind . the trooper shakes his head . no letter that can possibly have been overlooked . but he knows there is no such hope as that and lays his head down without looking for an answer . very familiar to him , as he said himself some hours ago , george rouncewell lifts him into easier positions through the long remainder of the blank wintry night , and equally familiar with his unexpressed wish , extinguishes the light and undraws the curtains at the first late break of day . the day comes like a phantom . cold , colourless , and vague , it sends a warning streak before it of a deathlike hue , as if it cried out , look what i am bringing you who watch there . who will tell him . chapter lix esthers narrative it was three oclock in the morning when the houses outside london did at last begin to exclude the country and to close us in with streets . we had made our way along roads in a far worse condition than when we had traversed them by daylight , both the fall and the thaw having lasted ever since but the energy of my companion never slackened . it had only been , as i thought , of less assistance than the horses in getting us on , and it had often aided them . they had stopped exhausted half way up hills , they had been driven through streams of turbulent water , they had slipped down and become entangled with the harness but he and his little lantern had been always ready , and when the mishap was set right , i had never heard any variation in his cool , get on , my lads . the steadiness and confidence with which he had directed our journey back i could not account for . never wavering , he never even stopped to make an inquiry until we were within a few miles of london . a very few words , here and there , were then enough for him and thus we came , at between three and four oclock in the morning , into islington . i will not dwell on the suspense and anxiety with which i reflected all this time that we were leaving my mother farther and farther behind every minute . i think i had some strong hope that he must be right and could not fail to have a satisfactory object in following this woman , but i tormented myself with questioning it and discussing it during the whole journey . what was to ensue when we found her and what could compensate us for this loss of time were questions also that i could not possibly dismiss my mind was quite tortured by long dwelling on such reflections when we stopped . we stopped in a high street where there was a coach stand . my companion paid our two drivers , who were as completely covered with splashes as if they had been dragged along the roads like the carriage itself , and giving them some brief direction where to take it , lifted me out of it and into a hackney coach he had chosen from the rest . why , my dear . he said as he did this . how wet you are . i had not been conscious of it . but the melted snow had found its way into the carriage , and i had got out two or three times when a fallen horse was plunging and had to be got up , and the wet had penetrated my dress . i assured him it was no matter , but the driver , who knew him , would not be dissuaded by me from running down the street to his stable , whence he brought an armful of clean dry straw . they shook it out and strewed it well about me , and i found it warm and comfortable . now , my dear , said mr . bucket , with his head in at the window after i was shut up . were a going to mark this person down . it may take a little time , but you dont mind that . youre pretty sure that ive got a motive . aint you . i little thought what it was , little thought in how short a time i should understand it better , but i assured him that i had confidence in him . so you may have , my dear , he returned . and i tell you what . if you only repose half as much confidence in me as i repose in you after what ive experienced of you , thatll do . lord . youre no trouble at all . i never see a young woman in any station of society  ive seen many elevated ones too  herself like you have conducted yourself since you was called out of your bed . youre a pattern , you know , thats what you are , said mr . bucket warmly youre a pattern . i told him i was very glad , as indeed i was , to have been no hindrance to him , and that i hoped i should be none now . my dear , he returned , when a young lady is as mild as shes game , and as game as shes mild , thats all i ask , and more than i expect . she then becomes a queen , and thats about what you are yourself . with these encouraging words  really were encouraging to me under those lonely and anxious circumstances  got upon the box , and we once more drove away . where we drove i neither knew then nor have ever known since , but we appeared to seek out the narrowest and worst streets in london . whenever i saw him directing the driver , i was prepared for our descending into a deeper complication of such streets , and we never failed to do so . sometimes we emerged upon a wider thoroughfare or came to a larger building than the generality , well lighted . then we stopped at offices like those we had visited when we began our journey , and i saw him in consultation with others . sometimes he would get down by an archway or at a street corner and mysteriously show the light of his little lantern . this would attract similar lights from various dark quarters , like so many insects , and a fresh consultation would be held . by degrees we appeared to contract our search within narrower and easier limits . single police officers on duty could now tell mr . bucket what he wanted to know and point to him where to go . at last we stopped for a rather long conversation between him and one of these men , which i supposed to be satisfactory from his manner of nodding from time to time . when it was finished he came to me looking very busy and very attentive . now , miss summerson , he said to me , you wont be alarmed whatever comes off , i know . its not necessary for me to give you any further caution than to tell you that we have marked this person down and that you may be of use to me before i know it myself . i dont like to ask such a thing , my dear , but would you walk a little way . of course i got out directly and took his arm . it aint so easy to keep your feet , said mr . bucket , but take time . although i looked about me confusedly and hurriedly as we crossed the street , i thought i knew the place . are we in holborn . i asked him . yes , said mr . bucket . do you know this turning . it looks like chancery lane . and was christened so , my dear , said mr . bucket . we turned down it , and as we went shuffling through the sleet , i heard the clocks strike half past five . we passed on in silence and as quickly as we could with such a foot hold, , when some one coming towards us on the narrow pavement , wrapped in a cloak , stopped and stood aside to give me room . in the same moment i heard an exclamation of wonder and my own name from mr . woodcourt . i knew his voice very well . it was so unexpected and so  dont know what to call it , whether pleasant or painful  come upon it after my feverish wandering journey , and in the midst of the night , that i could not keep back the tears from my eyes . it was like hearing his voice in a strange country . my dear miss summerson , that you should be out at this hour , and in such weather . he had heard from my guardian of my having been called away on some uncommon business and said so to dispense with any explanation . i told him that we had but just left a coach and were going  then i was obliged to look at my companion . why , you see , mr . woodcourt  had caught the name from me  are a going at present into the next street . inspector bucket . mr . woodcourt , disregarding my remonstrances , had hurriedly taken off his cloak and was putting it about me . thats a good move , too , said mr . bucket , assisting , a very good move . may i go with you . said mr . woodcourt . i dont know whether to me or to my companion . why , lord . exclaimed mr . bucket , taking the answer on himself . of course you may . it was all said in a moment , and they took me between them , wrapped in the cloak . i have just left richard , said mr . woodcourt . i have been sitting with him since ten oclock last night . oh , dear me , he is ill . no , believe me not ill , but not quite well . he was depressed and faint  know he gets so worried and so worn sometimes  ada sent to me of course and when i came home i found her note and came straight here . well . richard revived so much after a little while , and ada was so happy and so convinced of its being my doing , though god knows i had little enough to do with it , that i remained with him until he had been fast asleep some hours . as fast asleep as she is now , i hope . his friendly and familiar way of speaking of them , his unaffected devotion to them , the grateful confidence with which i knew he had inspired my darling , and the comfort he was to her could i separate all this from his promise to me . how thankless i must have been if it had not recalled the words he said to me when he was so moved by the change in my appearance i will accept him as a trust , and it shall be a sacred one . we now turned into another narrow street . mr . woodcourt , said mr . bucket , who had eyed him closely as we came along , our business takes us to a law stationers here , a certain mr . snagsbys . what , you know him , do you . he was so quick that he saw it in an instant . yes , i know a little of him and have called upon him at this place . indeed , sir . said mr . bucket . then you will be so good as to let me leave miss summerson with you for a moment while i go and have half a word with him . the last police officer with whom he had conferred was standing silently behind us . i was not aware of it until he struck in on my saying i heard some one crying . dont be alarmed , miss , he returned . its snagsbys servant . why , you see , said mr . bucket , the girls subject to fits , and has em bad upon her to night . a most contrary circumstance it is , for i want certain information out of that girl , and she must be brought to reason somehow . at all events , they wouldnt be up yet if it wasnt for her , mr . bucket , said the other man . shes been at it pretty well all night , sir . well , thats true , he returned . my lights burnt out . show yours a moment . all this passed in a whisper a door or two from the house in which i could faintly hear crying and moaning . in the little round of light produced for the purpose , mr . bucket went up to the door and knocked . the door was opened after he had knocked twice , and he went in , leaving us standing in the street . miss summerson , said mr . woodcourt , if without obtruding myself on your confidence i may remain near you , pray let me do so . you are truly kind , i answered . i need wish to keep no secret of my own from you if i keep any , it is anothers . i quite understand . trust me , i will remain near you only so long as i can fully respect it . i trust implicitly to you , i said . i know and deeply feel how sacredly you keep your promise . after a short time the little round of light shone out again , and mr . bucket advanced towards us in it with his earnest face . please to come in , miss summerson , he said , and sit down by the fire . mr . woodcourt , from information i have received i understand you are a medical man . would you look to this girl and see if anything can be done to bring her round . she has a letter somewhere that i particularly want . its not in her box , and i think it must be about her but she is so twisted and clenched up that she is difficult to handle without hurting . we all three went into the house together although it was cold and raw , it smelt close too from being up all night . in the passage behind the door stood a scared , sorrowful looking little man in a grey coat who seemed to have a naturally polite manner and spoke meekly . downstairs , if you please , mr . bucket , said he . the lady will excuse the front kitchen we use it as our workaday sitting room . the back is gusters bedroom , and in it shes a carrying on , poor thing , to a frightful extent . we went downstairs , followed by mr . snagsby , as i soon found the little man to be . in the front kitchen , sitting by the fire , was mrs . snagsby , with very red eyes and a very severe expression of face . my little woman , said mr . snagsby , entering behind us , to wave  to put too fine a point upon it , my dear  for one single moment in the course of this prolonged night , here is inspector bucket , mr . woodcourt , and a lady . she looked very much astonished , as she had reason for doing , and looked particularly hard at me . my little woman , said mr . snagsby , sitting down in the remotest corner by the door , as if he were taking a liberty , it is not unlikely that you may inquire of me why inspector bucket , mr . woodcourt , and a lady call upon us in cooks court , cursitor street , at the present hour . i dont know . i have not the least idea . if i was to be informed , i should despair of understanding , and id rather not be told . he appeared so miserable , sitting with his head upon his hand , and i appeared so unwelcome , that i was going to offer an apology when mr . bucket took the matter on himself . now , mr . snagsby , said he , the best thing you can do is to go along with mr . woodcourt to look after your guster  my guster , mr . bucket . cried mr . snagsby . go on , sir , go on . i shall be charged with that next . and to hold the candle , pursued mr . bucket without correcting himself , or hold her , or make yourself useful in any way youre asked . which theres not a man alive more ready to do , for youre a man of urbanity and suavity , you know , and youve got the sort of heart that can feel for another . mr . woodcourt , would you be so good as see to her , and if you can get that letter from her , to let me have it as soon as ever you can . as they went out , mr . bucket made me sit down in a corner by the fire and take off my wet shoes , which he turned up to dry upon the fender , talking all the time . dont you be at all put out , miss , by the want of a hospitable look from mrs . snagsby there , because shes under a mistake altogether . shell find that out sooner than will be agreeable to a lady of her generally correct manner of forming her thoughts , because im a going to explain it to her . here , standing on the hearth with his wet hat and shawls in his hand , himself a pile of wet , he turned to mrs . snagsby . now , the first thing that i say to you , as a married woman possessing what you may call charms , you know  me , if all those endearing , and cetrer  well acquainted with the song , because its in vain for you to tell me that you and good society are strangers  , mind you , that ought to give you confidence in yourself  , that youve done it . mrs . snagsby looked rather alarmed , relented a little and faltered , what did mr . bucket mean . what does mr . bucket mean . he repeated , and i saw by his face that all the time he talked he was listening for the discovery of the letter , to my own great agitation , for i knew then how important it must be ill tell you what he means , maam . go and see othello acted . thats the tragedy for you . mrs . snagsby consciously asked why . why . said mr . bucket . because youll come to that if you dont look out . why , at the very moment while i speak , i know what your minds not wholly free from respecting this young lady . but shall i tell you who this young lady is . now , come , youre what i call an intellectual woman  your soul too large for your body , if you come to that , and chafing it  you know me , and you recollect where you saw me last , and what was talked of in that circle . dont you . yes . very well . this young lady is that young lady . mrs . snagsby appeared to understand the reference better than i did at the time . and toughey  as you call jo  mixed up in the same business , and no other and the law writer that you know of was mixed up in the same business , and no other and your husband , with no more knowledge of it than your great grandfather , was mixed up by mr . tulkinghorn , deceased , his best customer in the same business , and no other and the whole bileing of people was mixed up in the same business , and no other . and yet a married woman , possessing your attractions , shuts her eyes and goes and runs her delicate formed head against a wall . why , i am ashamed of you . i expected mr . woodcourt might have got it by this time . mrs . snagsby shook her head and put her handkerchief to her eyes . is that all . said mr . bucket excitedly . no . see what happens . another person mixed up in that business and no other , a person in a wretched state , comes here to night and is seen a speaking to your maid servant and between her and your maid servant there passes a paper that i would give a hundred pound for , down . what do you do . you hide and you watch em , and you pounce upon that maid servant what shes subject to and what a little thing will bring em on  that surprising manner and with that severity that , by the lord , she goes off and keeps off , when a life may be hanging upon that girls words . he so thoroughly meant what he said now that i involuntarily clasped my hands and felt the room turning away from me . but it stopped . mr . woodcourt came in , put a paper into his hand , and went away again . now , mrs . snagsby , the only amends you can make , said mr . bucket , rapidly glancing at it , is to let me speak a word to this young lady in private here . and if you know of any help that you can give to that gentleman in the next kitchen there or can think of any one thing thats likelier than another to bring the girl round , do your swiftest and best . in an instant she was gone , and he had shut the door . now my dear , youre steady and quite sure of yourself . quite , said i . whose writing is that . it was my mothers . a pencil writing, , on a crushed and torn piece of paper , blotted with wet . folded roughly like a letter , and directed to me at my guardians . you know the hand , he said , and if you are firm enough to read it to me , do . but be particular to a word . it had been written in portions , at different times . i read what follows i came to the cottage with two objects . first , to see the dear one , if i could , once more  only to see her  to speak to her or let her know that i was near . the other object , to elude pursuit and to be lost . do not blame the mother for her share . the assistance that she rendered me , she rendered on my strongest assurance that it was for the dear ones good . you remember her dead child . the mens consent i bought , but her help was freely given . i came . that was written , said my companion , when she rested there . it bears out what i made of it . i was right . the next was written at another time i have wandered a long distance , and for many hours , and i know that i must soon die . these streets . i have no purpose but to die . when i left , i had a worse , but i am saved from adding that guilt to the rest . cold , wet , and fatigue are sufficient causes for my being found dead , but i shall die of others , though i suffer from these . it was right that all that had sustained me should give way at once and that i should die of terror and my conscience . take courage , said mr . bucket . theres only a few words more . those , too , were written at another time . to all appearance , almost in the dark i have done all i could do to be lost . i shall be soon forgotten so , and shall disgrace him least . i have nothing about me by which i can be recognized . this paper i part with now . the place where i shall lie down , if i can get so far , has been often in my mind . farewell . forgive . mr . bucket , supporting me with his arm , lowered me gently into my chair . cheer up . dont think me hard with you , my dear , but as soon as ever you feel equal to it , get your shoes on and be ready . i did as he required , but i was left there a long time , praying for my unhappy mother . they were all occupied with the poor girl , and i heard mr . woodcourt directing them and speaking to her often . at length he came in with mr . bucket and said that as it was important to address her gently , he thought it best that i should ask her for whatever information we desired to obtain . there was no doubt that she could now reply to questions if she were soothed and not alarmed . the questions , mr . bucket said , were how she came by the letter , what passed between her and the person who gave her the letter , and where the person went . holding my mind as steadily as i could to these points , i went into the next room with them . mr . woodcourt would have remained outside , but at my solicitation went in with us . the poor girl was sitting on the floor where they had laid her down . they stood around her , though at a little distance , that she might have air . she was not pretty and looked weak and poor , but she had a plaintive and a good face , though it was still a little wild . i kneeled on the ground beside her and put her poor head upon my shoulder , whereupon she drew her arm round my neck and burst into tears . my poor girl , said i , laying my face against her forehead , for indeed i was crying too , and trembling , it seems cruel to trouble you now , but more depends on our knowing something about this letter than i could tell you in an hour . she began piteously declaring that she didnt mean any harm , she didnt mean any harm , mrs . snagsby . we are all sure of that , said i . but pray tell me how you got it . yes , dear lady , i will , and tell you true . ill tell true , indeed , mrs . snagsby . i am sure of that , said i . and how was it . i had been out on an errand , dear lady  after it was dark  late and when i came home , i found a common looking person , all wet and muddy , looking up at our house . when she saw me coming in at the door , she called me back and said did i live here . and i said yes , and she said she knew only one or two places about here , but had lost her way and couldnt find them . oh , what shall i do , what shall i do . they wont believe me . she didnt say any harm to me , and i didnt say any harm to her , indeed , mrs . snagsby . it was necessary for her mistress to comfort her  she did , i must say , with a good deal of contrition  she could be got beyond this . she could not find those places , said i . no . cried the girl , shaking her head . no . couldnt find them . and she was so faint , and lame , and miserable , oh so wretched , that if you had seen her , mr . snagsby , youd have given her half a crown , i know . well , guster , my girl , said he , at first not knowing what to say . i hope i should . and yet she was so well spoken , said the girl , looking at me with wide open eyes , that it made a persons heart bleed . and so she said to me , did i know the way to the burying ground . and i asked her which burying ground . and she said , the poor burying ground . and so i told her i had been a poor child myself , and it was according to parishes . but she said she meant a poor burying ground not very far from here , where there was an archway , and a step , and an iron gate . as i watched her face and soothed her to go on , i saw that mr . bucket received this with a look which i could not separate from one of alarm . oh , dear , . cried the girl , pressing her hair back with her hands . what shall i do , what shall i do . she meant the burying ground where the man was buried that took the sleeping stuff you came home and told us of , mr . snagsby  frightened me so , mrs . snagsby . oh , i am frightened again . hold me . you are so much better now , sald i . pray , tell me more . yes i will , yes i will . but dont be angry with me , thats a dear lady , because i have been so ill . angry with her , poor soul . there . now i will , now i will . so she said , could i tell her how to find it , and i said yes , and i told her and she looked at me with eyes like almost as if she was blind , and herself all waving back . and so she took out the letter , and showed it me , and said if she was to put that in the post office, , it would be rubbed out and not minded and never sent and would i take it from her , and send it , and the messenger would be paid at the house . and so i said yes , if it was no harm , and she said no  harm . and so i took it from her , and she said she had nothing to give me , and i said i was poor myself and consequently wanted nothing . and so she said god bless you , and went . and did she go  yes , cried the girl , anticipating the inquiry . yes . she went the way i had shown her . then i came in , and mrs . snagsby came behind me from somewhere and laid hold of me , and i was frightened . mr . woodcourt took her kindly from me . mr . bucket wrapped me up , and immediately we were in the street . mr . woodcourt hesitated , but i said , dont leave me now . and mr . bucket added , youll be better with us , we may want you dont lose time . i have the most confused impressions of that walk . i recollect that it was neither night nor day , that morning was dawning but the street lamps were not yet put out , that the sleet was still falling and that all the ways were deep with it . i recollect a few chilled people passing in the streets . i recollect the wet house tops, , the clogged and bursting gutters and water spouts, , the mounds of blackened ice and snow over which we passed , the narrowness of the courts by which we went . at the same time i remember that the poor girl seemed to be yet telling her story audibly and plainly in my hearing , that i could feel her resting on my arm , that the stained house fronts put on human shapes and looked at me , that great water gates seemed to be opening and closing in my head or in the air , and that the unreal things were more substantial than the real . at last we stood under a dark and miserable covered way , where one lamp was burning over an iron gate and where the morning faintly struggled in . the gate was closed . beyond it was a burial ground  dreadful spot in which the night was very slowly stirring , but where i could dimly see heaps of dishonoured graves and stones , hemmed in by filthy houses with a few dull lights in their windows and on whose walls a thick humidity broke out like a disease . on the step at the gate , drenched in the fearful wet of such a place , which oozed and splashed down everywhere , i saw , with a cry of pity and horror , a woman lying  , the mother of the dead child . i ran forward , but they stopped me , and mr . woodcourt entreated me with the greatest earnestness , even with tears , before i went up to the figure to listen for an instant to what mr . bucket said . i did so , as i thought . i did so , as i am sure . miss summerson , youll understand me , if you think a moment . they changed clothes at the cottage . they changed clothes at the cottage . i could repeat the words in my mind , and i knew what they meant of themselves , but i attached no meaning to them in any other connexion . and one returned , said mr . bucket , and one went on . and the one that went on only went on a certain way agreed upon to deceive and then turned across country and went home . think a moment . i could repeat this in my mind too , but i had not the least idea what it meant . i saw before me , lying on the step , the mother of the dead child . she lay there with one arm creeping round a bar of the iron gate and seeming to embrace it . she lay there , who had so lately spoken to my mother . she lay there , a distressed , unsheltered , senseless creature . she who had brought my mothers letter , who could give me the only clue to where my mother was she , who was to guide us to rescue and save her whom we had sought so far , who had come to this condition by some means connected with my mother that i could not follow , and might be passing beyond our reach and help at that moment she lay there , and they stopped me . i saw but did not comprehend the solemn and compassionate look in mr . woodcourts face . i saw but did not comprehend his touching the other on the breast to keep him back . i saw him stand uncovered in the bitter air , with a reverence for something . but my understanding for all this was gone . i even heard it said between them , shall she go . she had better go . her hands should be the first to touch her . they have a higher right than ours . i passed on to the gate and stooped down . i lifted the heavy head , put the long dank hair aside , and turned the face . and it was my mother , cold and dead . chapter lx perspective i proceed to other passages of my narrative . from the goodness of all about me i derived such consolation as i can never think of unmoved . i have already said so much of myself , and so much still remains , that i will not dwell upon my sorrow . i had an illness , but it was not a long one and i would avoid even this mention of it if i could quite keep down the recollection of their sympathy . i proceed to other passages of my narrative . during the time of my illness , we were still in london , where mrs . woodcourt had come , on my guardians invitation , to stay with us . when my guardian thought me well and cheerful enough to talk with him in our old way  i could have done that sooner if he would have believed me  resumed my work and my chair beside his . he had appointed the time himself , and we were alone . dame trot , said he , receiving me with a kiss , welcome to the growlery again , my dear . i have a scheme to develop , little woman . i propose to remain here , perhaps for six months , perhaps for a longer time  it may be . quite to settle here for a while , in short . and in the meanwhile leave bleak house . said i . aye , my dear . bleak house , he returned , must learn to take care of itself . i thought his tone sounded sorrowful , but looking at him , i saw his kind face lighted up by its pleasantest smile . bleak house , he repeated  his tone did not sound sorrowful , i found  learn to take care of itself . it is a long way from ada , my dear , and ada stands much in need of you . its like you , guardian , said i , to have been taking that into consideration for a happy surprise to both of us . not so disinterested either , my dear , if you mean to extol me for that virtue , since if you were generally on the road , you could be seldom with me . and besides , i wish to hear as much and as often of ada as i can in this condition of estrangement from poor rick . not of her alone , but of him too , poor fellow . have you seen mr . woodcourt , this morning , guardian . i see mr . woodcourt every morning , dame durden . does he still say the same of richard . just the same . he knows of no direct bodily illness that he has on the contrary , he believes that he has none . yet he is not easy about him who can be . my dear girl had been to see us lately every day , some times twice in a day . but we had foreseen , all along , that this would only last until i was quite myself . we knew full well that her fervent heart was as full of affection and gratitude towards her cousin john as it had ever been , and we acquitted richard of laying any injunctions upon her to stay away but we knew on the other hand that she felt it a part of her duty to him to be sparing of her visits at our house . my guardians delicacy had soon perceived this and had tried to convey to her that he thought she was right . dear , unfortunate , mistaken richard , said i . when will he awake from his delusion . he is not in the way to do so now , my dear , replied my guardian . the more he suffers , the more averse he will be to me , having made me the principal representative of the great occasion of his suffering . i could not help adding , so unreasonably . ah , dame trot , dame trot , returned my guardian , what shall we find reasonable in jarndyce and jarndyce . unreason and injustice at the top , unreason and injustice at the heart and at the bottom , unreason and injustice from beginning to end  it ever has an end  should poor rick , always hovering near it , pluck reason out of it . he no more gathers grapes from thorns or figs from thistles than older men did in old times . his gentleness and consideration for richard whenever we spoke of him touched me so that i was always silent on this subject very soon . i suppose the lord chancellor , and the vice chancellors , and the whole chancery battery of great guns would be infinitely astonished by such unreason and injustice in one of their suitors , pursued my guardian . when those learned gentlemen begin to raise moss roses from the powder they sow in their wigs , i shall begin to be astonished too . he checked himself in glancing towards the window to look where the wind was and leaned on the back of my chair instead . well , little woman . to go on , my dear . this rock we must leave to time , chance , and hopeful circumstance . we must not shipwreck ada upon it . she cannot afford , and he cannot afford , the remotest chance of another separation from a friend . therefore i have particularly begged of woodcourt , and i now particularly beg of you , my dear , not to move this subject with rick . let it rest . next week , next month , next year , sooner or later , he will see me with clearer eyes . i can wait . but i had already discussed it with him , i confessed and so , i thought , had mr . woodcourt . so he tells me , returned my guardian . very good . he has made his protest , and dame durden has made hers , and there is nothing more to be said about it . now i come to mrs . woodcourt . how do you like her , my dear . in answer to this question , which was oddly abrupt , i said i liked her very much and thought she was more agreeable than she used to be . i think so too , said my guardian . less pedigree . not so much of morgan ap  his name . that was what i meant , i acknowledged , though he was a very harmless person , even when we had more of him . still , upon the whole , he is as well in his native mountains , said my guardian . i agree with you . then , little woman , can i do better for a time than retain mrs . woodcourt here . no . and yet  my guardian looked at me , waiting for what i had to say . i had nothing to say . at least i had nothing in my mind that i could say . i had an undefined impression that it might have been better if we had some other inmate , but i could hardly have explained why even to myself . or , if to myself , certainly not to anybody else . you see , said my guardian , our neighbourhood is in woodcourts way , and he can come here to see her as often as he likes , which is agreeable to them both and she is familiar to us and fond of you . yes . that was undeniable . i had nothing to say against it . i could not have suggested a better arrangement , but i was not quite easy in my mind . esther , why not . esther , think . it is a very good plan indeed , dear guardian , and we could not do better . sure , little woman . quite sure . i had a moments time to think , since i had urged that duty on myself , and i was quite sure . good , said my guardian . it shall be done . carried unanimously . carried unanimously , i repeated , going on with my work . it was a cover for his book table that i happened to be ornamenting . it had been laid by on the night preceding my sad journey and never resumed . i showed it to him now , and he admired it highly . after i had explained the pattern to him and all the great effects that were to come out by and by , i thought i would go back to our last theme . you said , dear guardian , when we spoke of mr . woodcourt before ada left us , that you thought he would give a long trial to another country . have you been advising him since . yes , little woman , pretty often . has he decided to do so . i rather think not . some other prospect has opened to him , perhaps . said i . why  , returned my guardian , beginning his answer in a very deliberate manner . about half a year hence or so , there is a medical attendant for the poor to be appointed at a certain place in yorkshire . it is a thriving place , pleasantly situated  and streets , town and country , mill and moor  seems to present an opening for such a man . i mean a man whose hopes and aims may sometimes lie above the ordinary level , but to whom the ordinary level will be high enough after all if it should prove to be a way of usefulness and good service leading to no other . all generous spirits are ambitious , i suppose , but the ambition that calmly trusts itself to such a road , instead of spasmodically trying to fly over it , is of the kind i care for . it is woodcourts kind . and will he get this appointment . i asked . why , little woman , returned my guardian , smiling , not being an oracle , i cannot confidently say , but i think so . his reputation stands very high there were people from that part of the country in the shipwreck and strange to say , i believe the best man has the best chance . you must not suppose it to be a fine endowment . it is a very , commonplace affair , my dear , an appointment to a great amount of work and a small amount of pay but better things will gather about it , may be fairly hoped . the poor of that place will have reason to bless the choice if it falls on mr . woodcourt , guardian . you are right , little woman that i am sure they will . we said no more about it , nor did he say a word about the future of bleak house . but it was the first time i had taken my seat at his side in my mourning dress , and that accounted for it , i considered . i now began to visit my dear girl every day in the dull dark corner where she lived . the morning was my usual time , but whenever i found i had an hour or so to spare , i put on my bonnet and bustled off to chancery lane . they were both so glad to see me at all hours , and used to brighten up so when they heard me opening the door and coming in that i had no fear of becoming troublesome just yet . on these occasions i frequently found richard absent . at other times he would be writing or reading papers in the cause at that table of his , so covered with papers , which was never disturbed . sometimes i would come upon him lingering at the door of mr . vholess office . sometimes i would meet him in the neighbourhood lounging about and biting his nails . i often met him wandering in lincolns inn , near the place where i had first seen him , oh how different , how different . that the money ada brought him was melting away with the candles i used to see burning after dark in mr . vholess office i knew very well . it was not a large amount in the beginning , he had married in debt , and i could not fail to understand , by this time , what was meant by mr . vholess shoulder being at the wheel  i still heard it was . my dear made the best of housekeepers and tried hard to save , but i knew that they were getting poorer and poorer every day . she shone in the miserable corner like a beautiful star . she adorned and graced it so that it became another place . paler than she had been at home , and a little quieter than i had thought natural when she was yet so cheerful and hopeful , her face was so unshadowed that i half believed she was blinded by her love for richard to his ruinous career . i went one day to dine with them while i was under this impression . as i turned into symonds inn , i met little miss flite coming out . she had been to make a stately call upon the wards in jarndyce , as she still called them , and had derived the highest gratification from that ceremony . ada had already told me that she called every monday at five oclock , with one little extra white bow in her bonnet , which never appeared there at any other time , and with her largest reticule of documents on her arm . my dear . she began . so delighted . how do you do . so glad to see you . and you are going to visit our interesting jarndyce wards . to be sure . our beauty is at home , my dear , and will be charmed to see you . then richard is not come in yet . said i . i am glad of that , for i was afraid of being a little late . no , he is not come in , returned miss flite . he has had a long day in court . i left him there with vholes . you dont like vholes , i hope . dont like vholes . dan gerous man . i am afraid you see richard oftener than ever now , said i . my dearest , returned miss flite , daily and hourly . you know what i told you of the attraction on the chancellors table . my dear , next to myself he is the most constant suitor in court . he begins quite to amuse our little party . ve ry friendly little party , are we not . it was miserable to hear this from her poor mad lips , though it was no surprise . in short , my valued friend , pursued miss flite , advancing her lips to my ear with an air of equal patronage and mystery , i must tell you a secret . i have made him my executor . nominated , constituted , and appointed him . in my will . ye es . indeed . said i . ye es, , repeated miss flite in her most genteel accents , my executor , administrator , and assign . i have reflected that if i should wear out , he will be able to watch that judgment . being so very regular in his attendance . it made me sigh to think of him . i did at one time mean , said miss flite , echoing the sigh , to nominate , constitute , and appoint poor gridley . also very regular , my charming girl . i assure you , most exemplary . but he wore out , poor man , so i have appointed his successor . dont mention it . this is in confidence . she carefully opened her reticule a little way and showed me a folded piece of paper inside as the appointment of which she spoke . another secret , my dear . i have added to my collection of birds . really , miss flite . said i , knowing how it pleased her to have her confidence received with an appearance of interest . she nodded several times , and her face became overcast and gloomy . two more . i call them the wards in jarndyce . they are caged up with all the others . with hope , joy , youth , peace , rest , life , dust , ashes , waste , want , ruin , despair , madness , death , cunning , folly , words , wigs , rags , sheepskin , plunder , precedent , jargon , gammon , and spinach . the poor soul kissed me with the most troubled look i had ever seen in her and went her way . her manner of running over the names of her birds , as if she were afraid of hearing them even from her own lips , quite chilled me . this was not a cheering preparation for my visit , and i could have dispensed with the company of mr . vholes , when richard who arrived within a minute or two after me brought him to share our dinner . although it was a very plain one , ada and richard were for some minutes both out of the room together helping to get ready what we were to eat and drink . mr . vholes took that opportunity of holding a little conversation in a low voice with me . he came to the window where i was sitting and began upon symonds inn . a dull place , miss summerson , for a life that is not an official one , said mr . vholes , smearing the glass with his black glove to make it clearer for me . there is not much to see here , said i . nor to hear , miss , returned mr . vholes . a little music does occasionally stray in , but we are not musical in the law and soon eject it . i hope mr . jarndyce is as well as his friends could wish him . i thanked mr . vholes and said he was quite well . i have not the pleasure to be admitted among the number of his friends myself , said mr . vholes , and i am aware that the gentlemen of our profession are sometimes regarded in such quarters with an unfavourable eye . our plain course , however , under good report and evil report , and all kinds of prejudice we are the victims of prejudice , is to have everything openly carried on . how do you find mr . c . looking , miss summerson . he looks very ill . dreadfully anxious . just so , said mr . vholes . he stood behind me with his long black figure reaching nearly to the ceiling of those low rooms , feeling the pimples on his face as if they were ornaments and speaking inwardly and evenly as though there were not a human passion or emotion in his nature . mr . woodcourt is in attendance upon mr . c . i believe . he resumed . mr . woodcourt is his disinterested friend , i answered . but i mean in professional attendance , medical attendance . that can do little for an unhappy mind , said i . just so , said mr . vholes . so slow , so eager , so bloodless and gaunt , i felt as if richard were wasting away beneath the eyes of this adviser and there were something of the vampire in him . miss summerson , said mr . vholes , very slowly rubbing his gloved hands , as if , to his cold sense of touch , they were much the same in black kid or out of it , this was an ill advised marriage of mr . c . s . i begged he would excuse me from discussing it . they had been engaged when they were both very young , i told him and when the prospect before them was much fairer and brighter . when richard had not yielded himself to the unhappy influence which now darkened his life . just so , assented mr . vholes again . still , with a view to everything being openly carried on , i will , with your permission , miss summerson , observe to you that i consider this a very ill advised marriage indeed . i owe the opinion not only to mr . c . s connexions , against whom i should naturally wish to protect myself , but also to my own reputation  to myself as a professional man aiming to keep respectable dear to my three girls at home , for whom i am striving to realize some little independence dear , i will even say , to my aged father , whom it is my privilege to support . it would become a very different marriage , a much happier and better marriage , another marriage altogether , mr . vholes , said i , if richard were persuaded to turn his back on the fatal pursuit in which you are engaged with him . mr . vholes , with a noiseless cough  rather gasp  one of his black gloves , inclined his head as if he did not wholly dispute even that . miss summerson , he said , it may be so and i freely admit that the young lady who has taken mr . c . s name upon herself in so ill advised a manner  will i am sure not quarrel with me for throwing out that remark again , as a duty i owe to mr . c . s connexions  a highly genteel young lady . business has prevented me from mixing much with general society in any but a professional character still i trust i am competent to perceive that she is a highly genteel young lady . as to beauty , i am not a judge of that myself , and i never did give much attention to it from a boy , but i dare say the young lady is equally eligible in that point of view . she is considered so i have heard among the clerks in the inn , and it is a point more in their way than in mine . in reference to mr . c . s pursuit of his interests  oh . his interests , mr . vholes . pardon me , returned mr . vholes , going on in exactly the same inward and dispassionate manner . mr . c . takes certain interests under certain wills disputed in the suit . it is a term we use . in reference to mr . cs , pursuit of his interests , i mentioned to you , miss summerson , the first time i had the pleasure of seeing you , in my desire that everything should be openly carried on  used those words , for i happened afterwards to note them in my diary , which is producible at any time  mentioned to you that mr . c . had laid down the principle of watching his own interests , and that when a client of mine laid down a principle which was not of an immoral that is to say , unlawful nature , it devolved upon me to carry it out . i have carried it out i do carry it out . but i will not smooth things over to any connexion of mr . c . s on any account . as open as i was to mr . jarndyce , i am to you . i regard it in the light of a professional duty to be so , though it can be charged to no one . i openly say , unpalatable as it may be , that i consider mr . c . s affairs in a very bad way , that i consider mr . c . himself in a very bad way , and that i regard this as an exceedingly ill advised marriage . am i here , sir . yes , i thank you i am here , mr . c . and enjoying the pleasure of some agreeable conversation with miss summerson , for which i have to thank you very much , sir . he broke off thus in answer to richard , who addressed him as he came into the room . by this time i too well understood mr . vholess scrupulous way of saving himself and his respectability not to feel that our worst fears did but keep pace with his clients progress . we sat down to dinner , and i had an opportunity of observing richard , anxiously . i was not disturbed by mr . vholes who took off his gloves to dine , though he sat opposite to me at the small table , for i doubt if , looking up at all , he once removed his eyes from his hosts face . i found richard thin and languid , slovenly in his dress , abstracted in his manner , forcing his spirits now and then , and at other intervals relapsing into a dull thoughtfulness . about his large bright eyes that used to be so merry there was a wanness and a restlessness that changed them altogether . i cannot use the expression that he looked old . there is a ruin of youth which is not like age , and into such a ruin richards youth and youthful beauty had all fallen away . he ate little and seemed indifferent what it was , showed himself to be much more impatient than he used to be , and was quick even with ada . i thought at first that his old light hearted manner was all gone , but it shone out of him sometimes as i had occasionally known little momentary glimpses of my own old face to look out upon me from the glass . his laugh had not quite left him either , but it was like the echo of a joyful sound , and that is always sorrowful . yet he was as glad as ever , in his old affectionate way , to have me there , and we talked of the old times pleasantly . these did not appear to be interesting to mr . vholes , though he occasionally made a gasp which i believe was his smile . he rose shortly after dinner and said that with the permission of the ladies he would retire to his office . always devoted to business , vholes . cried richard . yes , mr . c . he returned , the interests of clients are never to be neglected , sir . they are paramount in the thoughts of a professional man like myself , who wishes to preserve a good name among his fellow practitioners and society at large . my denying myself the pleasure of the present agreeable conversation may not be wholly irrespective of your own interests , mr . c . richard expressed himself quite sure of that and lighted mr . vholes out . on his return he told us , more than once , that vholes was a good fellow , a safe fellow , a man who did what he pretended to do , a very good fellow indeed . he was so defiant about it that it struck me he had begun to doubt mr . vholes . then he threw himself on the sofa , tired out and ada and i put things to rights , for they had no other servant than the woman who attended to the chambers . my dear girl had a cottage piano there and quietly sat down to sing some of richards favourites , the lamp being first removed into the next room , as he complained of its hurting his eyes . i sat between them , at my dear girls side , and felt very melancholy listening to her sweet voice . i think richard did too i think he darkened the room for that reason . she had been singing some time , rising between whiles to bend over him and speak to him , when mr . woodcourt came in . then he sat down by richard and half playfully , half earnestly , quite naturally and easily , found out how he felt and where he had been all day . presently he proposed to accompany him in a short walk on one of the bridges , as it was a moonlight airy night and richard readily consenting , they went out together . they left my dear girl still sitting at the piano and me still sitting beside her . when they were gone out , i drew my arm round her waist . she put her left hand in mine but kept her right upon the keys , going over and over them without striking any note . esther , my dearest , she said , breaking silence , richard is never so well and i am never so easy about him as when he is with allan woodcourt . we have to thank you for that . i pointed out to my darling how this could scarcely be , because mr . woodcourt had come to her cousin johns house and had known us all there , and because he had always liked richard , and richard had always liked him , and  so forth . all true , said ada , but that he is such a devoted friend to us we owe to you . i thought it best to let my dear girl have her way and to say no more about it . so i said as much . i said it lightly , because i felt her trembling . esther , my dearest , i want to be a good wife , a very , good wife indeed . you shall teach me . i teach . i said no more , for i noticed the hand that was fluttering over the keys , and i knew that it was not i who ought to speak , that it was she who had something to say to me . when i married richard i was not insensible to what was before him . i had been perfectly happy for a long time with you , and i had never known any trouble or anxiety , so loved and cared for , but i understood the danger he was in , dear esther . i know , i know , my darling . when we were married i had some little hope that i might be able to convince him of his mistake , that he might come to regard it in a new way as my husband and not pursue it all the more desperately for my sake  he does . but if i had not had that hope , i would have married him just the same , esther . just the same . in the momentary firmness of the hand that was never still  firmness inspired by the utterance of these last words , and dying away with them  saw the confirmation of her earnest tones . you are not to think , my dearest esther , that i fail to see what you see and fear what you fear . no one can understand him better than i do . the greatest wisdom that ever lived in the world could scarcely know richard better than my love does . she spoke so modestly and softly and her trembling hand expressed such agitation as it moved to and fro upon the silent notes . my dear , girl . i see him at his worst every day . i watch him in his sleep . i know every change of his face . but when i married richard i was quite determined , esther , if heaven would help me , never to show him that i grieved for what he did and so to make him more unhappy . i want him , when he comes home , to find no trouble in my face . i want him , when he looks at me , to see what he loved in me . i married him to do this , and this supports me . i felt her trembling more . i waited for what was yet to come , and i now thought i began to know what it was . and something else supports me , esther . she stopped a minute . stopped speaking only her hand was still in motion . i look forward a little while , and i dont know what great aid may come to me . when richard turns his eyes upon me then , there may be something lying on my breast more eloquent than i have been , with greater power than mine to show him his true course and win him back . her hand stopped now . she clasped me in her arms , and i clasped her in mine . if that little creature should fail too , esther , i still look forward . i look forward a long while , through years and years , and think that then , when i am growing old , or when i am dead perhaps , a beautiful woman , his daughter , happily married , may be proud of him and a blessing to him . or that a generous brave man , as handsome as he used to be , as hopeful , and far more happy , may walk in the sunshine with him , honouring his grey head and saying to himself , i thank god this is my father . ruined by a fatal inheritance , and restored through me . oh , my sweet girl , what a heart was that which beat so fast against me . these hopes uphold me , my dear esther , and i know they will . though sometimes even they depart from me before a dread that arises when i look at richard . i tried to cheer my darling , and asked her what it was . sobbing and weeping , she replied , that he may not live to see his child . chapter lxi a discovery the days when i frequented that miserable corner which my dear girl brightened can never fade in my remembrance . i never see it , and i never wish to see it now i have been there only once since , but in my memory there is a mournful glory shining on the place which will shine for ever . not a day passed without my going there , of course . at first i found mr . skimpole there , on two or three occasions , idly playing the piano and talking in his usual vivacious strain . now , besides my very much mistrusting the probability of his being there without making richard poorer , i felt as if there were something in his careless gaiety too inconsistent with what i knew of the depths of adas life . i clearly perceived , too , that ada shared my feelings . i therefore resolved , after much thinking of it , to make a private visit to mr . skimpole and try delicately to explain myself . my dear girl was the great consideration that made me bold . i set off one morning , accompanied by charley , for somers town . as i approached the house , i was strongly inclined to turn back , for i felt what a desperate attempt it was to make an impression on mr . skimpole and how extremely likely it was that he would signally defeat me . however , i thought that being there , i would go through with it . i knocked with a trembling hand at mr . skimpoles door  with a hand , for the knocker was gone  after a long parley gained admission from an irishwoman , who was in the area when i knocked , breaking up the lid of a water butt with a poker to light the fire with . mr . skimpole , lying on the sofa in his room , playing the flute a little , was enchanted to see me . now , who should receive me , he asked . who would i prefer for mistress of the ceremonies . would i have his comedy daughter , his beauty daughter , or his sentiment daughter . or would i have all the daughters at once in a perfect nosegay . i replied , half defeated already , that i wished to speak to himself only if he would give me leave . my dear miss summerson , most joyfully . of course , he said , bringing his chair nearer mine and breaking into his fascinating smile , of course its not business . then its pleasure . i said it certainly was not business that i came upon , but it was not quite a pleasant matter . then , my dear miss summerson , said he with the frankest gaiety , dont allude to it . why should you allude to anything that is not a pleasant matter . i never do . and you are a much pleasanter creature , in every point of view , than i . you are perfectly pleasant i am imperfectly pleasant then , if i never allude to an unpleasant matter , how much less should you . so thats disposed of , and we will talk of something else . although i was embarrassed , i took courage to intimate that i still wished to pursue the subject . i should think it a mistake , said mr . skimpole with his airy laugh , if i thought miss summerson capable of making one . but i dont . mr . skimpole , said i , raising my eyes to his , i have so often heard you say that you are unacquainted with the common affairs of life  meaning our three banking house friends , l , s , and whos the junior partner . d . said mr . skimpole , brightly . not an idea of them . perhaps , i went on , you will excuse my boldness on that account . i think you ought most seriously to know that richard is poorer than he was . dear me . said mr . skimpole . so am i , they tell me . and in very embarrassed circumstances . parallel case , exactly . said mr . skimpole with a delighted countenance . this at present naturally causes ada much secret anxiety , and as i think she is less anxious when no claims are made upon her by visitors , and as richard has one uneasiness always heavy on his mind , it has occurred to me to take the liberty of saying that  you would  i was coming to the point with great difficulty when he took me by both hands and with a radiant face and in the liveliest way anticipated it . not go there . certainly not , my dear miss summerson , most assuredly not . why should i go there . when i go anywhere , i go for pleasure . i dont go anywhere for pain , because i was made for pleasure . pain comes to me when it wants me . now , i have had very little pleasure at our dear richards lately , and your practical sagacity demonstrates why . our young friends , losing the youthful poetry which was once so captivating in them , begin to think , this is a man who wants pounds . so i am i always want pounds not for myself , but because tradespeople always want them of me . next , our young friends begin to think , becoming mercenary , this is the man who had pounds , who borrowed them , which i did . i always borrow pounds . so our young friends , reduced to prose degenerate in their power of imparting pleasure to me . why should i go to see them , therefore . absurd . through the beaming smile with which he regarded me as he reasoned thus , there now broke forth a look of disinterested benevolence quite astonishing . besides , he said , pursuing his argument in his tone of light hearted conviction , if i dont go anywhere for pain  would be a perversion of the intention of my being , and a monstrous thing to do  should i go anywhere to be the cause of pain . if i went to see our young friends in their present ill regulated state of mind , i should give them pain . the associations with me would be disagreeable . they might say , this is the man who had pounds and who cant pay pounds , which i cant , of course nothing could be more out of the question . then kindness requires that i shouldnt go near them  i wont . he finished by genially kissing my hand and thanking me . nothing but miss summersons fine tact , he said , would have found this out for him . i was much disconcerted , but i reflected that if the main point were gained , it mattered little how strangely he perverted everything leading to it . i had determined to mention something else , however , and i thought i was not to be put off in that . mr . skimpole , said i , must take the liberty of saying before i conclude my visit that i was much surprised to learn , on the best authority , some little time ago , that you knew with whom that poor boy left bleak house and that you accepted a present on that occasion . i have not mentioned it to my guardian , for i fear it would hurt him unnecessarily but i may say to you that i was much surprised . no . really surprised , my dear miss summerson . he returned inquiringly , raising his pleasant eyebrows . greatly surprised . he thought about it for a little while with a highly agreeable and whimsical expression of face , then quite gave it up and said in his most engaging manner , you know what a child i am . why surprised . i was reluctant to enter minutely into that question , but as he begged i would , for he was really curious to know , i gave him to understand in the gentlest words i could use that his conduct seemed to involve a disregard of several moral obligations . he was much amused and interested when he heard this and said , no , really . with ingenuous simplicity . you know i dont intend to be responsible . i never could do it . responsibility is a thing that has always been above me  below me , said mr . skimpole . i dont even know which but as i understand the way in which my dear miss summerson always remarkable for her practical good sense and clearness puts this case , i should imagine it was chiefly a question of money , do you know . i incautiously gave a qualified assent to this . ah . then you see , said mr . skimpole , shaking his head , i am hopeless of understanding it . i suggested , as i rose to go , that it was not right to betray my guardians confidence for a bribe . my dear miss summerson , he returned with a candid hilarity that was all his own , i cant be bribed . not by mr . bucket . said i . no , said he . not by anybody . i dont attach any value to money . i dont care about it , i dont know about it , i dont want it , i dont keep it  goes away from me directly . how can i be bribed . i showed that i was of a different opinion , though i had not the capacity for arguing the question . on the contrary , said mr . skimpole , i am exactly the man to be placed in a superior position in such a case as that . i am above the rest of mankind in such a case as that . i can act with philosophy in such a case as that . i am not warped by prejudices , as an italian baby is by bandages . i am as free as the air . i feel myself as far above suspicion as caesars wife . anything to equal the lightness of his manner and the playful impartiality with which he seemed to convince himself , as he tossed the matter about like a ball of feathers , was surely never seen in anybody else . observe the case , my dear miss summerson . here is a boy received into the house and put to bed in a state that i strongly object to . the boy being in bed , a man arrives  the house that jack built . here is the man who demands the boy who is received into the house and put to bed in a state that i strongly object to . here is a bank note produced by the man who demands the boy who is received into the house and put to bed in a state that i strongly object to . here is the skimpole who accepts the bank note produced by the man who demands the boy who is received into the house and put to bed in a state that i strongly object to . those are the facts . very well . should the skimpole have refused the note . why should the skimpole have refused the note . skimpole protests to bucket , whats this for . i dont understand it , is of no use to me , take it away . bucket still entreats skimpole to accept it . are there reasons why skimpole , not being warped by prejudices , should accept it . yes . skimpole perceives them . what are they . skimpole reasons with himself , this is a tamed lynx , an active police officer, , an intelligent man , a person of a peculiarly directed energy and great subtlety both of conception and execution , who discovers our friends and enemies for us when they run away , recovers our property for us when we are robbed , avenges us comfortably when we are murdered . this active police officer and intelligent man has acquired , in the exercise of his art , a strong faith in money he finds it very useful to him , and he makes it very useful to society . shall i shake that faith in bucket because i want it myself shall i deliberately blunt one of buckets weapons shall i positively paralyse bucket in his next detective operation . and again . if it is blameable in skimpole to take the note , it is blameable in bucket to offer the note  more blameable in bucket , because he is the knowing man . now , skimpole wishes to think well of bucket skimpole deems it essential , in its little place , to the general cohesion of things , that he should think well of bucket . the state expressly asks him to trust to bucket . and he does . and thats all he does . i had nothing to offer in reply to this exposition and therefore took my leave . mr . skimpole , however , who was in excellent spirits , would not hear of my returning home attended only by little coavinses , and accompanied me himself . he entertained me on the way with a variety of delightful conversation and assured me , at parting , that he should never forget the fine tact with which i had found that out for him about our young friends . as it so happened that i never saw mr . skimpole again , i may at once finish what i know of his history . a coolness arose between him and my guardian , based principally on the foregoing grounds and on his having heartlessly disregarded my guardians entreaties as we afterwards learned from ada in reference to richard . his being heavily in my guardians debt had nothing to do with their separation . he died some five years afterwards and left a diary behind him , with letters and other materials towards his life , which was published and which showed him to have been the victim of a combination on the part of mankind against an amiable child . it was considered very pleasant reading , but i never read more of it myself than the sentence on which i chanced to light on opening the book . it was this jarndyce , in common with most other men i have known , is the incarnation of selfishness . and now i come to a part of my story touching myself very nearly indeed , and for which i was quite unprepared when the circumstance occurred . whatever little lingerings may have now and then revived in my mind associated with my poor old face had only revived as belonging to a part of my life that was gone  like my infancy or my childhood . i have suppressed none of my many weaknesses on that subject , but have written them as faithfully as my memory has recalled them . and i hope to do , and mean to do , the same down to the last words of these pages , which i see now not so very far before me . the months were gliding away , and my dear girl , sustained by the hopes she had confided in me , was the same beautiful star in the miserable corner . richard , more worn and haggard , haunted the court day after day , listlessly sat there the whole day long when he knew there was no remote chance of the suit being mentioned , and became one of the stock sights of the place . i wonder whether any of the gentlemen remembered him as he was when he first went there . so completely was he absorbed in his fixed idea that he used to avow in his cheerful moments that he should never have breathed the fresh air now but for woodcourt . it was only mr . woodcourt who could occasionally divert his attention for a few hours at a time and rouse him , even when he sunk into a lethargy of mind and body that alarmed us greatly , and the returns of which became more frequent as the months went on . my dear girl was right in saying that he only pursued his errors the more desperately for her sake . i have no doubt that his desire to retrieve what he had lost was rendered the more intense by his grief for his young wife , and became like the madness of a gamester . i was there , as i have mentioned , at all hours . when i was there at night , i generally went home with charley in a coach sometimes my guardian would meet me in the neighbourhood , and we would walk home together . one evening he had arranged to meet me at eight oclock . i could not leave , as i usually did , quite punctually at the time , for i was working for my dear girl and had a few stitches more to do to finish what i was about but it was within a few minutes of the hour when i bundled up my little work basket, , gave my darling my last kiss for the night , and hurried downstairs . mr . woodcourt went with me , as it was dusk . when we came to the usual place of meeting  was close by , and mr . woodcourt had often accompanied me before  guardian was not there . we waited half an hour , walking up and down , but there were no signs of him . we agreed that he was either prevented from coming or that he had come and gone away , and mr . woodcourt proposed to walk home with me . it was the first walk we had ever taken together , except that very short one to the usual place of meeting . we spoke of richard and ada the whole way . i did not thank him in words for what he had done  appreciation of it had risen above all words then  i hoped he might not be without some understanding of what i felt so strongly . arriving at home and going upstairs , we found that my guardian was out and that mrs . woodcourt was out too . we were in the very same room into which i had brought my blushing girl when her youthful lover , now her so altered husband , was the choice of her young heart , the very same room from which my guardian and i had watched them going away through the sunlight in the fresh bloom of their hope and promise . we were standing by the opened window looking down into the street when mr . woodcourt spoke to me . i learned in a moment that he loved me . i learned in a moment that my scarred face was all unchanged to him . i learned in a moment that what i had thought was pity and compassion was devoted , generous , faithful love . oh , too late to know it now , too late , too late . that was the first ungrateful thought i had . too late . when i returned , he told me , when i came back , no richer than when i went away , and found you newly risen from a sick bed , yet so inspired by sweet consideration for others and so free from a selfish thought  oh , mr . woodcourt , forbear , . i entreated him . i do not deserve your high praise . i had many selfish thoughts at that time , many . heaven knows , beloved of my life , said he , that my praise is not a lovers praise , but the truth . you do not know what all around you see in esther summerson , how many hearts she touches and awakens , what sacred admiration and what love she wins . oh , mr . woodcourt , cried i , it is a great thing to win love , it is a great thing to win love . i am proud of it , and honoured by it and the hearing of it causes me to shed these tears of mingled joy and sorrow  that i have won it , sorrow that i have not deserved it better but i am not free to think of yours . i said it with a stronger heart , for when he praised me thus and when i heard his voice thrill with his belief that what he said was true , i aspired to be more worthy of it . it was not too late for that . although i closed this unforeseen page in my life to night, , i could be worthier of it all through my life . and it was a comfort to me , and an impulse to me , and i felt a dignity rise up within me that was derived from him when i thought so . he broke the silence . i should poorly show the trust that i have in the dear one who will evermore be as dear to me as now  the deep earnestness with which he said it at once strengthened me and made me weep  , after her assurance that she is not free to think of my love , i urged it . dear esther , let me only tell you that the fond idea of you which i took abroad was exalted to the heavens when i came home . i have always hoped , in the first hour when i seemed to stand in any ray of good fortune , to tell you this . i have always feared that i should tell it you in vain . my hopes and fears are both fulfilled to night . i distress you . i have said enough . something seemed to pass into my place that was like the angel he thought me , and i felt so sorrowful for the loss he had sustained . i wished to help him in his trouble , as i had wished to do when he showed that first commiseration for me . dear mr . woodcourt , said i , before we part to night, , something is left for me to say . i never could say it as i wish  never shall  i had to think again of being more deserving of his love and his affliction before i could go on . am deeply sensible of your generosity , and i shall treasure its remembrance to my dying hour . i know full well how changed i am , i know you are not unacquainted with my history , and i know what a noble love that is which is so faithful . what you have said to me could have affected me so much from no other lips , for there are none that could give it such a value to me . it shall not be lost . it shall make me better . he covered his eyes with his hand and turned away his head . how could i ever be worthy of those tears . if , in the unchanged intercourse we shall have together  tending richard and ada , and i hope in many happier scenes of life  ever find anything in me which you can honestly think is better than it used to be , believe that it will have sprung up from to night and that i shall owe it to you . and never believe , dear mr . woodcourt , never believe that i forget this night or that while my heart beats it can be insensible to the pride and joy of having been beloved by you . he took my hand and kissed it . he was like himself again , and i felt still more encouraged . i am induced by what you said just now , said i , to hope that you have succeeded in your endeavour . i have , he answered . with such help from mr . jarndyce as you who know him so well can imagine him to have rendered me , i have succeeded . heaven bless him for it , said i , giving him my hand and heaven bless you in all you do . i shall do it better for the wish , he answered it will make me enter on these new duties as on another sacred trust from you . ah . richard . i exclaimed involuntarily , what will he do when you are gone . i am not required to go yet i would not desert him , dear miss summerson , even if i were . one other thing i felt it needful to touch upon before he left me . i knew that i should not be worthier of the love i could not take if i reserved it . mr . woodcourt , said i , you will be glad to know from my lips before i say good night that in the future , which is clear and bright before me , i am most happy , most fortunate , have nothing to regret or desire . it was indeed a glad hearing to him , he replied . from my childhood i have been , said i , the object of the untiring goodness of the best of human beings , to whom i am so bound by every tie of attachment , gratitude , and love , that nothing i could do in the compass of a life could express the feelings of a single day . i share those feelings , he returned . you speak of mr . jarndyce . you know his virtues well , said i , but few can know the greatness of his character as i know it . all its highest and best qualities have been revealed to me in nothing more brightly than in the shaping out of that future in which i am so happy . and if your highest homage and respect had not been his already  i know they are  would have been his , i think , on this assurance and in the feeling it would have awakened in you towards him for my sake . he fervently replied that indeed they would have been . i gave him my hand again . good night , i said , good bye . the first until we meet to morrow, , the second as a farewell to this theme between us for ever . yes . good night good bye . he left me , and i stood at the dark window watching the street . his love , in all its constancy and generosity , had come so suddenly upon me that he had not left me a minute when my fortitude gave way again and the street was blotted out by my rushing tears . but they were not tears of regret and sorrow . no . he had called me the beloved of his life and had said i would be evermore as dear to him as i was then , and i felt as if my heart would not hold the triumph of having heard those words . my first wild thought had died away . it was not too late to hear them , for it was not too late to be animated by them to be good , true , grateful , and contented . how easy my path , how much easier than his . chapter lxii another discovery i had not the courage to see any one that night . i had not even the courage to see myself , for i was afraid that my tears might a little reproach me . i went up to my room in the dark , and prayed in the dark , and lay down in the dark to sleep . i had no need of any light to read my guardians letter by , for i knew it by heart . i took it from the place where i kept it , and repeated its contents by its own clear light of integrity and love , and went to sleep with it on my pillow . i was up very early in the morning and called charley to come for a walk . we bought flowers for the breakfast table, , and came back and arranged them , and were as busy as possible . we were so early that i had a good time still for charleys lesson before breakfast charley who was not in the least improved in the old defective article of grammar came through it with great applause and we were altogether very notable . when my guardian appeared he said , why , little woman , you look fresher than your flowers . and mrs . woodcourt repeated and translated a passage from the mewlinnwillinwodd expressive of my being like a mountain with the sun upon it . this was all so pleasant that i hope it made me still more like the mountain than i had been before . after breakfast i waited my opportunity and peeped about a little until i saw my guardian in his own room  of last night  himself . then i made an excuse to go in with my housekeeping keys , shutting the door after me . well , dame durden . said my guardian the post had brought him several letters , and he was writing . you want money . no , indeed , i have plenty in hand . there never was such a dame durden , said my guardian , for making money last . he had laid down his pen and leaned back in his chair looking at me . i have often spoken of his bright face , but i thought i had never seen it look so bright and good . there was a high happiness upon it which made me think , he has been doing some great kindness this morning . there never was , said my guardian , musing as he smiled upon me , such a dame durden for making money last . he had never yet altered his old manner . i loved it and him so much that when i now went up to him and took my usual chair , which was always put at his side  sometimes i read to him , and sometimes i talked to him , and sometimes i silently worked by him  hardly liked to disturb it by laying my hand on his breast . but i found i did not disturb it at all . dear guardian , said i , want to speak to you . have i been remiss in anything . remiss in anything , my dear . have i not been what i have meant to be since  brought the answer to your letter , guardian . you have been everything i could desire , my love . i am very glad indeed to hear that , i returned . you know , you said to me , was this the mistress of bleak house . and i said , yes . yes , said my guardian , nodding his head . he had put his arm about me as if there were something to protect me from and looked in my face , smiling . since then , said i , we have never spoken on the subject except once . and then i said bleak house was thinning fast and so it was , my dear . and i said , i timidly reminded him , but its mistress remained . he still held me in the same protecting manner and with the same bright goodness in his face . dear guardian , said i , know how you have felt all that has happened , and how considerate you have been . as so much time has passed , and as you spoke only this morning of my being so well again , perhaps you expect me to renew the subject . perhaps i ought to do so . i will be the mistress of bleak house when you please . see , he returned gaily , what a sympathy there must be between us . i have had nothing else , poor rick excepted  a large exception  my mind . when you came in , i was full of it . when shall we give bleak house its mistress , little woman . when you please . next month . next month , dear guardian . the day on which i take the happiest and best step of my life  day on which i shall be a man more exulting and more enviable than any other man in the world  day on which i give bleak house its little mistress  be next month then , said my guardian . i put my arms round his neck and kissed him just as i had done on the day when i brought my answer . a servant came to the door to announce mr . bucket , which was quite unnecessary , for mr . bucket was already looking in over the servants shoulder . mr . jarndyce and miss summerson , said he , rather out of breath , with all apologies for intruding , will you allow me to order up a person thats on the stairs and that objects to being left there in case of becoming the subject of observations in his absence . thank you . be so good as chair that there member in this direction , will you . said mr . bucket , beckoning over the banisters . this singular request produced an old man in a black skull cap, , unable to walk , who was carried up by a couple of bearers and deposited in the room near the door . mr . bucket immediately got rid of the bearers , mysteriously shut the door , and bolted it . now you see , mr . jarndyce , he then began , putting down his hat and opening his subject with a flourish of his well remembered finger , you know me , and miss summerson knows me . this gentleman likewise knows me , and his name is smallweed . the discounting line is his line principally , and hes what you may call a dealer in bills . thats about what you are , you know , aint you . said mr . bucket , stopping a little to address the gentleman in question , who was exceedingly suspicious of him . he seemed about to dispute this designation of himself when he was seized with a violent fit of coughing . now , moral , you know . said mr . bucket , improving the accident . dont you contradict when there aint no occasion , and you wont be took in that way . now , mr . jarndyce , i address myself to you . ive been negotiating with this gentleman on behalf of sir leicester dedlock , baronet , and one way and another ive been in and out and about his premises a deal . his premises are the premises formerly occupied by krook , marine store dealer  relation of this gentlemans that you saw in his lifetime if i dont mistake . my guardian replied , yes . well . you are to understand , said mr . bucket , that this gentleman he come into krooks property , and a good deal of magpie property there was . vast lots of waste paper among the rest . lord bless you , of no use to nobody . the cunning of mr . buckets eye and the masterly manner in which he contrived , without a look or a word against which his watchful auditor could protest , to let us know that he stated the case according to previous agreement and could say much more of mr . smallweed if he thought it advisable , deprived us of any merit in quite understanding him . his difficulty was increased by mr . smallweeds being deaf as well as suspicious and watching his face with the closest attention . among them odd heaps of old papers , this gentleman , when he comes into the property , naturally begins to rummage , dont you see . said mr . bucket . to which . say that again , cried mr . smallweed in a shrill , sharp voice . to rummage , repeated mr . bucket . being a prudent man and accustomed to take care of your own affairs , you begin to rummage among the papers as you have come into dont you . of course i do , cried mr . smallweed . of course you do , said mr . bucket conversationally , and much to blame you would be if you didnt . and so you chance to find , you know , mr . bucket went on , stooping over him with an air of cheerful raillery which mr . smallweed by no means reciprocated , and so you chance to find , you know , a paper with the signature of jarndyce to it . dont you . mr . smallweed glanced with a troubled eye at us and grudgingly nodded assent . and coming to look at that paper at your full leisure and convenience  in good time , for youre not curious to read it , and why should you be . do you find it to be but a will , you see . thats the drollery of it , said mr . bucket with the same lively air of recalling a joke for the enjoyment of mr . smallweed , who still had the same crest fallen appearance of not enjoying it at all what do you find it to be but a will . i dont know that its good as a will or as anything else , snarled mr . smallweed . mr . bucket eyed the old man for a moment  had slipped and shrunk down in his chair into a mere bundle  if he were much disposed to pounce upon him nevertheless , he continued to bend over him with the same agreeable air , keeping the corner of one of his eyes upon us . notwithstanding which , said mr . bucket , you get a little doubtful and uncomfortable in your mind about it , having a very tender mind of your own . eh . what do you say i have got of my own . asked mr . smallweed with his hand to his ear . a very tender mind . ho . well , go on , said mr . smallweed . and as youve heard a good deal mentioned regarding a celebrated chancery will case of the same name , and as you know what a card krook was for buying all manner of old pieces of furniter , and books , and papers , and what not , and never liking to part with em , and always a going to teach himself to read , you begin to think  you never was more correct in your born days  , if i dont look about me , i may get into trouble regarding this will . now , mind how you put it , bucket , cried the old man anxiously with his hand at his ear . speak up none of your brimstone tricks . pick me up i want to hear better . oh , lord , i am shaken to bits . mr . bucket had certainly picked him up at a dart . however , as soon as he could be heard through mr . smallweeds coughing and his vicious ejaculations of oh , my bones . oh , dear . ive no breath in my body . im worse than the chattering , clattering , brimstone pig at home . mr . bucket proceeded in the same convivial manner as before . so , as i happen to be in the habit of coming about your premises , you take me into your confidence , dont you . i think it would be impossible to make an admission with more ill will and a worse grace than mr . smallweed displayed when he admitted this , rendering it perfectly evident that mr . bucket was the very last person he would have thought of taking into his confidence if he could by any possibility have kept him out of it . and i go into the business with you  pleasant we are over it and i confirm you in your well founded fears that you will get yourself into a most precious line if you dont come out with that there will , said mr . bucket emphatically and accordingly you arrange with me that it shall be delivered up to this present mr . jarndyce , on no conditions . if it should prove to be valuable , you trusting yourself to him for your reward thats about where it is , aint it . thats what was agreed , mr . smallweed assented with the same bad grace . in consequence of which , said mr . bucket , dismissing his agreeable manner all at once and becoming strictly business like, , youve got that will upon your person at the present time , and the only thing that remains for you to do is just to out with it . having given us one glance out of the watching corner of his eye , and having given his nose one triumphant rub with his forefinger , mr . bucket stood with his eyes fastened on his confidential friend and his hand stretched forth ready to take the paper and present it to my guardian . it was not produced without much reluctance and many declarations on the part of mr . smallweed that he was a poor industrious man and that he left it to mr . jarndyces honour not to let him lose by his honesty . little by little he very slowly took from a breast pocket a stained , discoloured paper which was much singed upon the outside and a little burnt at the edges , as if it had long ago been thrown upon a fire and hastily snatched off again . mr . bucket lost no time in transferring this paper , with the dexterity of a conjuror , from mr . smallweed to mr . jarndyce . as he gave it to my guardian , he whispered behind his fingers , hadnt settled how to make their market of it . quarrelled and hinted about it . i laid out twenty pound upon it . first the avaricious grandchildren split upon him on account of their objections to his living so unreasonably long , and then they split on one another . lord . there aint one of the family that wouldnt sell the other for a pound or two , except the old lady  shes only out of it because shes too weak in her mind to drive a bargain . mr bucket , said my guardian aloud , whatever the worth of this paper may be to any one , my obligations are great to you and if it be of any worth , i hold myself bound to see mr . smallweed remunerated accordingly . not according to your merits , you know , said mr . bucket in friendly explanation to mr . smallweed . dont you be afraid of that . according to its value . that is what i mean , said my guardian . you may observe , mr . bucket , that i abstain from examining this paper myself . the plain truth is , i have forsworn and abjured the whole business these many years , and my soul is sick of it . but miss summerson and i will immediately place the paper in the hands of my solicitor in the cause , and its existence shall be made known without delay to all other parties interested . mr . jarndyce cant say fairer than that , you understand , observed mr . bucket to his fellow visitor . and it being now made clear to you that nobodys a going to be wronged  must be a great relief to your mind  may proceed with the ceremony of chairing you home again . he unbolted the door , called in the bearers , wished us good morning , and with a look full of meaning and a crook of his finger at parting went his way . we went our way too , which was to lincolns inn , as quickly as possible . mr . kenge was disengaged , and we found him at his table in his dusty room with the inexpressive looking books and the piles of papers . chairs having been placed for us by mr . guppy , mr . kenge expressed the surprise and gratification he felt at the unusual sight of mr . jarndyce in his office . he turned over his double eye glass as he spoke and was more conversation kenge than ever . i hope , said mr . kenge , that the genial influence of miss summerson , he bowed to me , may have induced mr . jarndyce , he bowed to him , to forego some little of his animosity towards a cause and towards a court which are  i say , which take their place in the stately vista of the pillars of our profession . i am inclined to think , returned my guardian , that miss summerson has seen too much of the effects of the court and the cause to exert any influence in their favour . nevertheless , they are a part of the occasion of my being here . mr . kenge , before i lay this paper on your desk and have done with it , let me tell you how it has come into my hands . he did so shortly and distinctly . it could not , sir , said mr . kenge , have been stated more plainly and to the purpose if it had been a case at law . did you ever know english law , or equity either , plain and to the purpose . said my guardian . oh , fie . said mr . kenge . at first he had not seemed to attach much importance to the paper , but when he saw it he appeared more interested , and when he had opened and read a little of it through his eye glass, , he became amazed . mr . jarndyce , he said , looking off it , you have perused this . not i . returned my guardian . but , my dear sir , said mr . kenge , it is a will of later date than any in the suit . it appears to be all in the testators handwriting . it is duly executed and attested . and even if intended to be cancelled , as might possibly be supposed to be denoted by these marks of fire , it is not cancelled . here it is , a perfect instrument . well . said my guardian . what is that to me . mr . guppy . cried mr . kenge , raising his voice . i beg your pardon , mr . jarndyce . sir . mr . vholes of symonds inn . my compliments . jarndyce and jarndyce . glad to speak with him . mr . guppy disappeared . you ask me what is this to you , mr . jarndyce . if you had perused this document , you would have seen that it reduces your interest considerably , though still leaving it a very handsome one , still leaving it a very handsome one , said mr . kenge , waving his hand persuasively and blandly . you would further have seen that the interests of mr . richard carstone and of miss ada clare , now mrs . richard carstone , are very materially advanced by it . kenge , said my guardian , if all the flourishing wealth that the suit brought into this vile court of chancery could fall to my two young cousins , i should be well contented . but do you ask me to believe that any good is to come of jarndyce and jarndyce . oh , really , mr . jarndyce . prejudice , . my dear sir , this is a very great country , a very great country . its system of equity is a very great system , a very great system . really , . my guardian said no more , and mr . vholes arrived . he was modestly impressed by mr . kenges professional eminence . how do you do , mr . vholes . will you be so good as to take a chair here by me and look over this paper . mr . vholes did as he was asked and seemed to read it every word . he was not excited by it , but he was not excited by anything . when he had well examined it , he retired with mr . kenge into a window , and shading his mouth with his black glove , spoke to him at some length . i was not surprised to observe mr . kenge inclined to dispute what he said before he had said much , for i knew that no two people ever did agree about anything in jarndyce and jarndyce . but he seemed to get the better of mr . kenge too in a conversation that sounded as if it were almost composed of the words receiver general, , accountant general, , report , estate , and costs . when they had finished , they came back to mr . kenges table and spoke aloud . well . but this is a very remarkable document , mr . vholes , said mr . kenge . mr . vholes said , very much so . and a very important document , mr . vholes , said mr . kenge . again mr . vholes said , very much so . and as you say , mr . vholes , when the cause is in the paper next term , this document will be an unexpected and interesting feature in it , said mr . kenge , looking loftily at my guardian . mr . vholes was gratified , as a smaller practitioner striving to keep respectable , to be confirmed in any opinion of his own by such an authority . and when , asked my guardian , rising after a pause , during which mr . kenge had rattled his money and mr . vholes had picked his pimples , when is next term . next term , mr . jarndyce , will be next month , said mr . kenge . of course we shall at once proceed to do what is necessary with this document and to collect the necessary evidence concerning it and of course you will receive our usual notification of the cause being in the paper . to which i shall pay , of course , my usual attention . still bent , my dear sir , said mr . kenge , showing us through the outer office to the door , still bent , even with your enlarged mind , on echoing a popular prejudice . we are a prosperous community , mr . jarndyce , a very prosperous community . we are a great country , mr . jarndyce , we are a very great country . this is a great system , mr . jarndyce , and would you wish a great country to have a little system . now , really , . he said this at the stair head, , gently moving his right hand as if it were a silver trowel with which to spread the cement of his words on the structure of the system and consolidate it for a thousand ages . chapter lxiii steel and iron georges shooting gallery is to let , and the stock is sold off , and george himself is at chesney wold attending on sir leicester in his rides and riding very near his bridle rein because of the uncertain hand with which he guides his horse . but not to day is george so occupied . he is journeying to day into the iron country farther north to look about him . as he comes into the iron country farther north , such fresh green woods as those of chesney wold are left behind and coal pits and ashes , high chimneys and red bricks , blighted verdure , scorching fires , and a heavy never lightening cloud of smoke become the features of the scenery . among such objects rides the trooper , looking about him and always looking for something he has come to find . at last , on the black canal bridge of a busy town , with a clang of iron in it , and more fires and more smoke than he has seen yet , the trooper , swart with the dust of the coal roads , checks his horse and asks a workman does he know the name of rouncewell thereabouts . why , master , quoth the workman , do i know my own name . tis so well known here , is it , comrade . asks the trooper . rouncewells . ah . youre right . and where might it be now . asks the trooper with a glance before him . the bank , the factory , or the house . the workman wants to know . hum . rouncewells is so great apparently , mutters the trooper , stroking his chin , that i have as good as half a mind to go back again . why , i dont know which i want . should i find mr . rouncewell at the factory , do you think . taint easy to say where youd find him  this time of the day you might find either him or his son there , if hes in town but his contracts take him away . and which is the factory . why , he sees those chimneys  tallest ones . yes , he sees them . well . let him keep his eye on those chimneys , going on as straight as ever he can , and presently hell see em down a turning on the left , shut in by a great brick wall which forms one side of the street . thats rouncewells . the trooper thanks his informant and rides slowly on , looking about him . he does not turn back , but puts up his horse and is much disposed to groom him too at a public house where some of rouncewells hands are dining , as the ostler tells him . some of rouncewells hands have just knocked off for dinner time and seem to be invading the whole town . they are very sinewy and strong , are rouncewells hands  little sooty too . he comes to a gateway in the brick wall , looks in , and sees a great perplexity of iron lying about in every stage and in a vast variety of shapes  bars , in wedges , in sheets in tanks , in boilers , in axles , in wheels , in cogs , in cranks , in rails twisted and wrenched into eccentric and perverse forms as separate parts of machinery mountains of it broken up , and rusty in its age distant furnaces of it glowing and bubbling in its youth bright fireworks of it showering about under the blows of the steam hammer red hot iron , white hot iron , cold black iron an iron taste , an iron smell , and a babel of iron sounds . this is a place to make a mans head ache too . says the trooper , looking about him for a counting house . who comes here . this is very like me before i was set up . this ought to be my nephew , if likenesses run in families . your servant , sir . yours , sir . are you looking for any one . excuse me . young mr . rouncewell , i believe . yes . i was looking for your father , sir . i wish to have a word with him . the young man , telling him he is fortunate in his choice of a time , for his father is there , leads the way to the office where he is to be found . very like me before i was set up  like me . thinks the trooper as he follows . they come to a building in the yard with an office on an upper floor . at sight of the gentleman in the office , mr . george turns very red . what name shall i say to my father . asks the young man . george , full of the idea of iron , in desperation answers steel , and is so presented . he is left alone with the gentleman in the office , who sits at a table with account books before him and some sheets of paper blotted with hosts of figures and drawings of cunning shapes . it is a bare office , with bare windows , looking on the iron view below . tumbled together on the table are some pieces of iron , purposely broken to be tested at various periods of their service , in various capacities . there is iron dust on everything and the smoke is seen through the windows rolling heavily out of the tall chimneys to mingle with the smoke from a vaporous babylon of other chimneys . i am at your service , mr . steel , says the gentleman when his visitor has taken a rusty chair . well , mr . rouncewell , george replies , leaning forward with his left arm on his knee and his hat in his hand , and very chary of meeting his brothers eye , i am not without my expectations that in the present visit i may prove to be more free than welcome . i have served as a dragoon in my day , and a comrade of mine that i was once rather partial to was , if i dont deceive myself , a brother of yours . i believe you had a brother who gave his family some trouble , and ran away , and never did any good but in keeping away . are you quite sure , returns the ironmaster in an altered voice , that your name is steel . the trooper falters and looks at him . his brother starts up , calls him by his name , and grasps him by both hands . you are too quick for me . cries the trooper with the tears springing out of his eyes . how do you do , my dear old fellow . i never could have thought you would have been half so glad to see me as all this . how do you do , my dear old fellow , how do you do . they shake hands and embrace each other over and over again , the trooper still coupling his how do you do , my dear old fellow . with his protestation that he never thought his brother would have been half so glad to see him as all this . so far from it , he declares at the end of a full account of what has preceded his arrival there , i had very little idea of making myself known . i thought if you took by any means forgivingly to my name i might gradually get myself up to the point of writing a letter . but i should not have been surprised , brother , if you had considered it anything but welcome news to hear of me . we will show you at home what kind of news we think it , george , returns his brother . this is a great day at home , and you could not have arrived , you bronzed old soldier , on a better . i make an agreement with my son watt to day that on this day twelvemonth he shall marry as pretty and as good a girl as you have seen in all your travels . she goes to germany to morrow with one of your nieces for a little polishing up in her education . we make a feast of the event , and you will be made the hero of it . mr . george is so entirely overcome at first by this prospect that he resists the proposed honour with great earnestness . being overborne , however , by his brother and his nephew  whom he renews his protestations that he never could have thought they would have been half so glad to see him  is taken home to an elegant house in all the arrangements of which there is to be observed a pleasant mixture of the originally simple habits of the father and mother with such as are suited to their altered station and the higher fortunes of their children . here mr . george is much dismayed by the graces and accomplishments of his nieces that are and by the beauty of rosa , his niece that is to be , and by the affectionate salutations of these young ladies , which he receives in a sort of dream . he is sorely taken aback , too , by the dutiful behaviour of his nephew and has a woeful consciousness upon him of being a scapegrace . however , there is great rejoicing and a very hearty company and infinite enjoyment , and mr . george comes bluff and martial through it all , and his pledge to be present at the marriage and give away the bride is received with universal favour . a whirling head has mr . george that night when he lies down in the state bed of his brothers house to think of all these things and to see the images of his nieces awful all the evening in their floating muslins waltzing , after the german manner , over his counterpane . the brothers are closeted next morning in the ironmasters room , where the elder is proceeding , in his clear sensible way , to show how he thinks he may best dispose of george in his business , when george squeezes his hand and stops him . brother , i thank you a million times for your more than brotherly welcome , and a million times more to that for your more than brotherly intentions . but my plans are made . before i say a word as to them , i wish to consult you upon one family point . how , says the trooper , folding his arms and looking with indomitable firmness at his brother , how is my mother to be got to scratch me . i am not sure that i understand you , george , replies the ironmaster . i say , brother , how is my mother to be got to scratch me . she must be got to do it somehow . scratch you out of her will , i think you mean . of course i do . in short , says the trooper , folding his arms more resolutely yet , i mean  me . my dear george , returns his brother , is it so indispensable that you should undergo that process . quite . absolutely . i couldnt be guilty of the meanness of coming back without it . i should never be safe not to be off again . i have not sneaked home to rob your children , if not yourself , brother , of your rights . i , who forfeited mine long ago . if i am to remain and hold up my head , i must be scratched . come . you are a man of celebrated penetration and intelligence , and you can tell me how its to be brought about . i can tell you , george , replies the ironmaster deliberately , how it is not to be brought about , which i hope may answer the purpose as well . look at our mother , think of her , recall her emotion when she recovered you . do you believe there is a consideration in the world that would induce her to take such a step against her favourite son . do you believe there is any chance of her consent , to balance against the outrage it would be to her to propose it . if you do , you are wrong . no , george . you must make up your mind to remain unscratched , i think . there is an amused smile on the ironmasters face as he watches his brother , who is pondering , deeply disappointed . i think you may manage almost as well as if the thing were done , though . how , brother . being bent upon it , you can dispose by will of anything you have the misfortune to inherit in any way you like , you know . thats true . says the trooper , pondering again . then he wistfully asks , with his hand on his brothers , would you mind mentioning that , brother , to your wife and family . not at all . thank you . you wouldnt object to say , perhaps , that although an undoubted vagabond , i am a vagabond of the harum scarum order , and not of the mean sort . the ironmaster , repressing his amused smile , assents . thank you . thank you . its a weight off my mind , says the trooper with a heave of his chest as he unfolds his arms and puts a hand on each leg , though i had set my heart on being scratched , too . the brothers are very like each other , sitting face to face but a certain massive simplicity and absence of usage in the ways of the world is all on the troopers side . well , he proceeds , throwing off his disappointment , next and last , those plans of mine . you have been so brotherly as to propose to me to fall in here and take my place among the products of your perseverance and sense . i thank you heartily . its more than brotherly , as i said before , and i thank you heartily for it , shaking him a long time by the hand . but the truth is , brother , i am a  am a kind of a weed , and its too late to plant me in a regular garden . my dear george , returns the elder , concentrating his strong steady brow upon him and smiling confidently , leave that to me , and let me try . george shakes his head . you could do it , i have not a doubt , if anybody could but its not to be done . not to be done , sir . whereas it so falls out , on the other hand , that i am able to be of some trifle of use to sir leicester dedlock since his illness  on by family sorrows  that he would rather have that help from our mothers son than from anybody else . well , my dear george , returns the other with a very slight shade upon his open face , if you prefer to serve in sir leicester dedlocks household brigade  there it is , brother , cries the trooper , checking him , with his hand upon his knee again there it is . you dont take kindly to that idea i dont mind it . you are not used to being officered i am . everything about you is in perfect order and discipline everything about me requires to be kept so . we are not accustomed to carry things with the same hand or to look at em from the same point . i dont say much about my garrison manners because i found myself pretty well at my ease last night , and they wouldnt be noticed here , i dare say , once and away . but i shall get on best at chesney wold , where theres more room for a weed than there is here and the dear old lady will be made happy besides . therefore i accept of sir leicester dedlocks proposals . when i come over next year to give away the bride , or whenever i come , i shall have the sense to keep the household brigade in ambuscade and not to manoeuvre it on your ground . i thank you heartily again and am proud to think of the rouncewells as theyll be founded by you . you know yourself , george , says the elder brother , returning the grip of his hand , and perhaps you know me better than i know myself . take your way . so that we dont quite lose one another again , take your way . no fear of that . returns the trooper . now , before i turn my horses head homewards , brother , i will ask you  youll be so good  look over a letter for me . i brought it with me to send from these parts , as chesney wold might be a painful name just now to the person its written to . i am not much accustomed to correspondence myself , and i am particular respecting this present letter because i want it to be both straightforward and delicate . herewith he hands a letter , closely written in somewhat pale ink but in a neat round hand , to the ironmaster , who reads as follows miss esther summerson , a communication having been made to me by inspector bucket of a letter to myself being found among the papers of a certain person , i take the liberty to make known to you that it was but a few lines of instruction from abroad , when , where , and how to deliver an enclosed letter to a young and beautiful lady , then unmarried , in england . i duly observed the same . i further take the liberty to make known to you that it was got from me as a proof of handwriting only and that otherwise i would not have given it up , as appearing to be the most harmless in my possession , without being previously shot through the heart . i further take the liberty to mention that if i could have supposed a certain unfortunate gentleman to have been in existence , i never could and never would have rested until i had discovered his retreat and shared my last farthing with him , as my duty and my inclination would have equally been . but he was reported drowned , and assuredly went over the side of a transport ship at night in an irish harbour within a few hours of her arrival from the west indies , as i have myself heard both from officers and men on board , and know to have been confirmed . i further take the liberty to state that in my humble quality as one of the rank and file , i am , and shall ever continue to be , your thoroughly devoted and admiring servant and that i esteem the qualities you possess above all others far beyond the limits of the present dispatch . i have the honour to be , george a little formal , observes the elder brother , refolding it with a puzzled face . but nothing that might not be sent to a pattern young lady . asks the younger . nothing at all . therefore it is sealed and deposited for posting among the iron correspondence of the day . this done , mr . george takes a hearty farewell of the family party and prepares to saddle and mount . his brother , however , unwilling to part with him so soon , proposes to ride with him in a light open carriage to the place where he will bait for the night , and there remain with him until morning , a servant riding for so much of the journey on the thoroughbred old grey from chesney wold . the offer , being gladly accepted , is followed by a pleasant ride , a pleasant dinner , and a pleasant breakfast , all in brotherly communion . then they once more shake hands long and heartily and part , the ironmaster turning his face to the smoke and fires , and the trooper to the green country . early in the afternoon the subdued sound of his heavy military trot is heard on the turf in the avenue as he rides on with imaginary clank and jingle of accoutrements under the old elm trees . chapter lxiv esthers narrative soon after i had that conversation with my guardian , he put a sealed paper in my hand one morning and said , this is for next month , my dear . i found in it two hundred pounds . i now began very quietly to make such preparations as i thought were necessary . regulating my purchases by my guardians taste , which i knew very well of course , i arranged my wardrobe to please him and hoped i should be highly successful . i did it all so quietly because i was not quite free from my old apprehension that ada would be rather sorry and because my guardian was so quiet himself . i had no doubt that under all the circumstances we should be married in the most private and simple manner . perhaps i should only have to say to ada , would you like to come and see me married to morrow, , my pet . perhaps our wedding might even be as unpretending as her own , and i might not find it necessary to say anything about it until it was over . i thought that if i were to choose , i would like this best . the only exception i made was mrs . woodcourt . i told her that i was going to be married to my guardian and that we had been engaged some time . she highly approved . she could never do enough for me and was remarkably softened now in comparison with what she had been when we first knew her . there was no trouble she would not have taken to have been of use to me , but i need hardly say that i only allowed her to take as little as gratified her kindness without tasking it . of course this was not a time to neglect my guardian , and of course it was not a time for neglecting my darling . so i had plenty of occupation , which i was glad of and as to charley , she was absolutely not to be seen for needlework . to surround herself with great heaps of it  full and tables full  do a little , and spend a great deal of time in staring with her round eyes at what there was to do , and persuade herself that she was going to do it , were charleys great dignities and delights . meanwhile , i must say , i could not agree with my guardian on the subject of the will , and i had some sanguine hopes of jarndyce and jarndyce . which of us was right will soon appear , but i certainly did encourage expectations . in richard , the discovery gave occasion for a burst of business and agitation that buoyed him up for a little time , but he had lost the elasticity even of hope now and seemed to me to retain only its feverish anxieties . from something my guardian said one day when we were talking about this , i understood that my marriage would not take place until after the term time we had been told to look forward to and i thought the more , for that , how rejoiced i should be if i could be married when richard and ada were a little more prosperous . the term was very near indeed when my guardian was called out of town and went down into yorkshire on mr . woodcourts business . he had told me beforehand that his presence there would be necessary . i had just come in one night from my dear girls and was sitting in the midst of all my new clothes , looking at them all around me and thinking , when a letter from my guardian was brought to me . it asked me to join him in the country and mentioned by what stage coach my place was taken and at what time in the morning i should have to leave town . it added in a postscript that i would not be many hours from ada . i expected few things less than a journey at that time , but i was ready for it in half an hour and set off as appointed early next morning . i travelled all day , wondering all day what i could be wanted for at such a distance now i thought it might be for this purpose , and now i thought it might be for that purpose , but i was never , near the truth . it was night when i came to my journeys end and found my guardian waiting for me . this was a great relief , for towards evening i had begun to fear that he might be ill . however , there he was , as well as it was possible to be and when i saw his genial face again at its brightest and best , i said to myself , he has been doing some other great kindness . not that it required much penetration to say that , because i knew that his being there at all was an act of kindness . supper was ready at the hotel , and when we were alone at table he said , full of curiosity , no doubt , little woman , to know why i have brought you here . well , guardian , said i , without thinking myself a fatima or you a blue beard , i am a little curious about it . then to ensure your nights rest , my love , he returned gaily , i wont wait until to morrow tell you . i have very much wished to express to woodcourt , somehow , my sense of his humanity to poor unfortunate jo , his inestimable services to my young cousins , and his value to us all . when it was decided that he should settle here , it came into my head that i might ask his acceptance of some unpretending and suitable little place to lay his own head in . i therefore caused such a place to be looked out for , and such a place was found on very easy terms , and i have been touching it up for him and making it habitable . however , when i walked over it the day before yesterday and it was reported ready , i found that i was not housekeeper enough to know whether things were all as they ought to be . so i sent off for the best little housekeeper that could possibly be got to come and give me her advice and opinion . and here she is , said my guardian , laughing and crying both together . because he was so dear , so good , so admirable . i tried to tell him what i thought of him , but i could not articulate a word . tut , . said my guardian . you make too much of it , little woman . why , how you sob , dame durden , how you sob . it is with exquisite pleasure , guardian  a heart full of thanks . well , said he . i am delighted that you approve . i thought you would . i meant it as a pleasant surprise for the little mistress of bleak house . i kissed him and dried my eyes . i know now . said i . i have seen this in your face a long while . no have you really , my dear . said he . what a dame durden it is to read a face . he was so quaintly cheerful that i could not long be otherwise , and was almost ashamed of having been otherwise at all . when i went to bed , i cried . i am bound to confess that i cried but i hope it was with pleasure , though i am not quite sure it was with pleasure . i repeated every word of the letter twice over . a most beautiful summer morning succeeded , and after breakfast we went out arm in arm to see the house of which i was to give my mighty housekeeping opinion . we entered a flower garden by a gate in a side wall , of which he had the key , and the first thing i saw was that the beds and flowers were all laid out according to the manner of my beds and flowers at home . you see , my dear , observed my guardian , standing still with a delighted face to watch my looks , knowing there could be no better plan , i borrowed yours . we went on by a pretty little orchard , where the cherries were nestling among the green leaves and the shadows of the apple trees were sporting on the grass , to the house itself  cottage , quite a rustic cottage of dolls rooms but such a lovely place , so tranquil and so beautiful , with such a rich and smiling country spread around it with water sparkling away into the distance , here all overhung with summer growth, , there turning a humming mill at its nearest point glancing through a meadow by the cheerful town , where cricket players were assembling in bright groups and a flag was flying from a white tent that rippled in the sweet west wind . and still , as we went through the pretty rooms , out at the little rustic verandah doors , and underneath the tiny wooden colonnades garlanded with woodbine , jasmine , and honey suckle, , i saw in the papering on the walls , in the colours of the furniture , in the arrangement of all the pretty objects , my little tastes and fancies , my little methods and inventions which they used to laugh at while they praised them , my odd ways everywhere . i could not say enough in admiration of what was all so beautiful , but one secret doubt arose in my mind when i saw this , i thought , oh , would he be the happier for it . would it not have been better for his peace that i should not have been so brought before him . because although i was not what he thought me , still he loved me very dearly , and it might remind him mournfully of what be believed he had lost . i did not wish him to forget me  he might not have done so , without these aids to his memory  my way was easier than his , and i could have reconciled myself even to that so that he had been the happier for it . and now , little woman , said my guardian , whom i had never seen so proud and joyful as in showing me these things and watching my appreciation of them , now , last of all , for the name of this house . what is it called , dear guardian . my child , said he , come and see , he took me to the porch , which he had hitherto avoided , and said , pausing before we went out , my dear child , dont you guess the name . no . said i . we went out of the porch and he showed me written over it , bleak house . he led me to a seat among the leaves close by , and sitting down beside me and taking my hand in his , spoke to me thus , my darling girl , in what there has been between us , i have , i hope , been really solicitous for your happiness . when i wrote you the letter to which you brought the answer , smiling as he referred to it , i had my own too much in view but i had yours too . whether , under different circumstances , i might ever have renewed the old dream i sometimes dreamed when you were very young , of making you my wife one day , i need not ask myself . i did renew it , and i wrote my letter , and you brought your answer . you are following what i say , my child . i was cold , and i trembled violently , but not a word he uttered was lost . as i sat looking fixedly at him and the suns rays descended , softly shining through the leaves upon his bare head , i felt as if the brightness on him must be like the brightness of the angels . hear me , my love , but do not speak . it is for me to speak now . when it was that i began to doubt whether what i had done would really make you happy is no matter . woodcourt came home , and i soon had no doubt at all . i clasped him round the neck and hung my head upon his breast and wept . lie lightly , confidently here , my child , said he , pressing me gently to him . i am your guardian and your father now . rest confidently here . soothingly , like the gentle rustling of the leaves and genially , like the ripening weather and radiantly and beneficently , like the sunshine , he went on . understand me , my dear girl . i had no doubt of your being contented and happy with me , being so dutiful and so devoted but i saw with whom you would be happier . that i penetrated his secret when dame durden was blind to it is no wonder , for i knew the good that could never change in her better far than she did . well . i have long been in allan woodcourts confidence , although he was not , until yesterday , a few hours before you came here , in mine . but i would not have my esthers bright example lost i would not have a jot of my dear girls virtues unobserved and unhonoured i would not have her admitted on sufferance into the line of morgan ap kerrig, , no , not for the weight in gold of all the mountains in wales . he stopped to kiss me on the forehead , and i sobbed and wept afresh . for i felt as if i could not bear the painful delight of his praise . hush , little woman . dont cry this is to be a day of joy . i have looked forward to it , he said exultingly , for months on months . a few words more , dame trot , and i have said my say . determined not to throw away one atom of my esthers worth , i took mrs . woodcourt into a separate confidence . now , madam , said i , clearly perceive  indeed i know , to boot  your son loves my ward . i am further very sure that my ward loves your son , but will sacrifice her love to a sense of duty and affection , and will sacrifice it so completely , so entirely , so religiously , that you should never suspect it though you watched her night and day . then i told her all our story  and mine . now , madam , said i , come you , knowing this , and live with us . come you , and see my child from hour to hour set what you see against her pedigree , which is this , and this  i scorned to mince it  tell me what is the true legitimacy when you shall have quite made up your mind on that subject . why , honour to her old welsh blood , my dear , cried my guardian with enthusiasm , i believe the heart it animates beats no less warmly , no less admiringly , no less lovingly , towards dame durden than my own . he tenderly raised my head , and as i clung to him , kissed me in his old fatherly way again and again . what a light , now , on the protecting manner i had thought about . one more last word . when allan woodcourt spoke to you , my dear , he spoke with my knowledge and consent  i gave him no encouragement , not i , for these surprises were my great reward , and i was too miserly to part with a scrap of it . he was to come and tell me all that passed , and he did . i have no more to say . my dearest , allan woodcourt stood beside your father when he lay dead  beside your mother . this is bleak house . this day i give this house its little mistress and before god , it is the brightest day in all my life . he rose and raised me with him . we were no longer alone . my husband  have called him by that name full seven happy years now  at my side . allan , said my guardian , take from me a willing gift , the best wife that ever man had . what more can i say for you than that i know you deserve her . take with her the little home she brings you . you know what she will make it , allan you know what she has made its namesake . let me share its felicity sometimes , and what do i sacrifice . nothing , . he kissed me once again , and now the tears were in his eyes as he said more softly , esther , my dearest , after so many years , there is a kind of parting in this too . i know that my mistake has caused you some distress . forgive your old guardian , in restoring him to his old place in your affections and blot it out of your memory . allan , take my dear . he moved away from under the green roof of leaves , and stopping in the sunlight outside and turning cheerfully towards us , said , i shall be found about here somewhere . its a west wind , little woman , due west . let no one thank me any more , for i am going to revert to my bachelor habits , and if anybody disregards this warning , ill run away and never come back . what happiness was ours that day , what joy , what rest , what hope , what gratitude , what bliss . we were to be married before the month was out , but when we were to come and take possession of our own house was to depend on richard and ada . we all three went home together next day . as soon as we arrived in town , allan went straight to see richard and to carry our joyful news to him and my darling . late as it was , i meant to go to her for a few minutes before lying down to sleep , but i went home with my guardian first to make his tea for him and to occupy the old chair by his side , for i did not like to think of its being empty so soon . when we came home we found that a young man had called three times in the course of that one day to see me and that having been told on the occasion of his third call that i was not expected to return before ten oclock at night , he had left word that he would call about then . he had left his card three times . mr . guppy . as i naturally speculated on the object of these visits , and as i always associated something ludicrous with the visitor , it fell out that in laughing about mr . guppy i told my guardian of his old proposal and his subsequent retraction . after that , said my guardian , we will certainly receive this hero . so instructions were given that mr . guppy should be shown in when he came again , and they were scarcely given when he did come again . he was embarrassed when he found my guardian with me , but recovered himself and said , how de do , sir . how do you do , sir . returned my guardian . thank you , sir , i am tolerable , returned mr . guppy . will you allow me to introduce my mother , mrs . guppy of the old street road , and my particular friend , mr . weevle . that is to say , my friend has gone by the name of weevle , but his name is really and truly jobling . my guardian begged them to be seated , and they all sat down . tony , said mr . guppy to his friend after an awkward silence . will you open the case . do it yourself , returned the friend rather tartly . well , mr . jarndyce , sir , mr . guppy , after a moments consideration , began , to the great diversion of his mother , which she displayed by nudging mr . jobling with her elbow and winking at me in a most remarkable manner , i had an idea that i should see miss summerson by herself and was not quite prepared for your esteemed presence . but miss summerson has mentioned to you , perhaps , that something has passed between us on former occasions . miss summerson , returned my guardian , smiling , has made a communication to that effect to me . that , said mr . guppy , makes matters easier . sir , i have come out of my articles at kenge and carboys , and i believe with satisfaction to all parties . i am now admitted after undergoing an examination thats enough to badger a man blue , touching a pack of nonsense that he dont want to know on the roll of attorneys and have taken out my certificate , if it would be any satisfaction to you to see it . thank you , mr . guppy , returned my guardian . i am quite willing  believe i use a legal phrase  admit the certificate . mr . guppy therefore desisted from taking something out of his pocket and proceeded without it . i have no capital myself , but my mother has a little property which takes the form of an annuity  mr . guppys mother rolled her head as if she never could sufficiently enjoy the observation , and put her handkerchief to her mouth , and again winked at me  a few pounds for expenses out of pocket in conducting business will never be wanting , free of interest , which is an advantage , you know , said mr . guppy feelingly . certainly an advantage , returned my guardian . i have some connexion , pursued mr . guppy , and it lays in the direction of walcot square , lambeth . i have therefore taken a ouse in that locality , which , in the opinion of my friends , is a hollow bargain and intend setting up professionally for myself there forthwith . here mr . guppys mother fell into an extraordinary passion of rolling her head and smiling waggishly at anybody who would look at her . its a six roomer, , exclusive of kitchens , said mr . guppy , and in the opinion of my friends , a commodious tenement . when i mention my friends , i refer principally to my friend jobling , who i believe has known me , mr . guppy looked at him with a sentimental air , from boyhoods hour . mr . jobling confirmed this with a sliding movement of his legs . my friend jobling will render me his assistance in the capacity of clerk and will live in the ouse , said mr . guppy . my mother will likewise live in the ouse when her present quarter in the old street road shall have ceased and expired and consequently there will be no want of society . my friend jobling is naturally aristocratic by taste , and besides being acquainted with the movements of the upper circles , fully backs me in the intentions i am now developing . mr . jobling said certainly and withdrew a little from the elbow of mr guppys mother . now , i have no occasion to mention to you , sir , you being in the confidence of miss summerson , said mr . guppy , mother , i wish youd be so good as to keep still , that miss summersons image was formerly imprinted on my eart and that i made her a proposal of marriage . that i have heard , returned my guardian . circumstances , pursued mr . guppy , over which i had no control , but quite the contrary , weakened the impression of that image for a time . at which time miss summersons conduct was highly genteel i may even add , magnanimous . my guardian patted me on the shoulder and seemed much amused . now , sir , said mr . guppy , i have got into that state of mind myself that i wish for a reciprocity of magnanimous behaviour . i wish to prove to miss summerson that i can rise to a heighth of which perhaps she hardly thought me capable . i find that the image which i did suppose had been eradicated from my eart is not eradicated . its influence over me is still tremenjous , and yielding to it , i am willing to overlook the circumstances over which none of us have had any control and to renew those proposals to miss summerson which i had the honour to make at a former period . i beg to lay the ouse in walcot square , the business , and myself before miss summerson for her acceptance . very magnanimous indeed , sir , observed my guardian . well , sir , replied mr . guppy with candour , my wish is to be magnanimous . i do not consider that in making this offer to miss summerson i am by any means throwing myself away neither is that the opinion of my friends . still , there are circumstances which i submit may be taken into account as a set off against any little drawbacks of mine , and so a fair and equitable balance arrived at . i take upon myself , sir , said my guardian , laughing as he rang the bell , to reply to your proposals on behalf of miss summerson . she is very sensible of your handsome intentions , and wishes you good evening , and wishes you well . oh . said mr . guppy with a blank look . is that tantamount , sir , to acceptance , or rejection , or consideration . to decided rejection , if you please , returned my guardian . mr . guppy looked incredulously at his friend , and at his mother , who suddenly turned very angry , and at the floor , and at the ceiling . indeed . said he . then , jobling , if you was the friend you represent yourself , i should think you might hand my mother out of the gangway instead of allowing her to remain where she aint wanted . but mrs . guppy positively refused to come out of the gangway . she wouldnt hear of it . why , get along with you , said she to my guardian , what do you mean . aint my son good enough for you . you ought to be ashamed of yourself . get out with you . my good lady , returned my guardian , it is hardly reasonable to ask me to get out of my own room . i dont care for that , said mrs . guppy . get out with you . if we aint good enough for you , go and procure somebody that is good enough . go along and find em . i was quite unprepared for the rapid manner in which mrs . guppys power of jocularity merged into a power of taking the profoundest offence . go along and find somebody thats good enough for you , repeated mrs . guppy . get out . nothing seemed to astonish mr . guppys mother so much and to make her so very indignant as our not getting out . why dont you get out . said mrs . guppy . what are you stopping here for . mother , interposed her son , always getting before her and pushing her back with one shoulder as she sidled at my guardian , will you hold your tongue . no , william , she returned , i wont . not unless he gets out , i wont . however , mr . guppy and mr . jobling together closed on mr . guppys mother and took her , very much against her will , downstairs , her voice rising a stair higher every time her figure got a stair lower , and insisting that we should immediately go and find somebody who was good enough for us , and above all things that we should get out . chapter lxv beginning the world the term had commenced , and my guardian found an intimation from mr . kenge that the cause would come on in two days . as i had sufficient hopes of the will to be in a flutter about it , allan and i agreed to go down to the court that morning . richard was extremely agitated and was so weak and low , though his illness was still of the mind , that my dear girl indeed had sore occasion to be supported . but she looked forward  very little way now  the help that was to come to her , and never drooped . it was at westminster that the cause was to come on . it had come on there , i dare say , a hundred times before , but i could not divest myself of an idea that it might lead to some result now . we left home directly after breakfast to be at westminster hall in good time and walked down there through the lively streets  happily and strangely it seemed .  . as we were going along , planning what we should do for richard and ada , i heard somebody calling esther . my dear esther . esther . and there was caddy jellyby , with her head out of the window of a little carriage which she hired now to go about in to her pupils she had so many , as if she wanted to embrace me at a hundred yards distance . i had written her a note to tell her of all that my guardian had done , but had not had a moment to go and see her . of course we turned back , and the affectionate girl was in that state of rapture , and was so overjoyed to talk about the night when she brought me the flowers , and was so determined to squeeze my face between her hands , and go on in a wild manner altogether , calling me all kinds of precious names , and telling allan i had done i dont know what for her , that i was just obliged to get into the little carriage and calm her down by letting her say and do exactly what she liked . allan , standing at the window , was as pleased as caddy and i was as pleased as either of them and i wonder that i got away as i did , rather than that i came off laughing , and red , and anything but tidy , and looking after caddy , who looked after us out of the coach window as long as she could see us . this made us some quarter of an hour late , and when we came to westminster hall we found that the days business was begun . worse than that , we found such an unusual crowd in the court of chancery that it was full to the door , and we could neither see nor hear what was passing within . it appeared to be something droll , for occasionally there was a laugh and a cry of silence . it appeared to be something interesting , for every one was pushing and striving to get nearer . it appeared to be something that made the professional gentlemen very merry , for there were several young counsellors in wigs and whiskers on the outside of the crowd , and when one of them told the others about it , they put their hands in their pockets , and quite doubled themselves up with laughter , and went stamping about the pavement of the hall . we asked a gentleman by us if he knew what cause was on . he told us jarndyce and jarndyce . we asked him if he knew what was doing in it . he said really , no he did not , nobody ever did , but as well as he could make out , it was over . over for the day . we asked him . no , he said , over for good . over for good . when we heard this unaccountable answer , we looked at one another quite lost in amazement . could it be possible that the will had set things right at last and that richard and ada were going to be rich . it seemed too good to be true . alas it was . our suspense was short , for a break up soon took place in the crowd , and the people came streaming out looking flushed and hot and bringing a quantity of bad air with them . still they were all exceedingly amused and were more like people coming out from a farce or a juggler than from a court of justice . we stood aside , watching for any countenance we knew , and presently great bundles of paper began to be carried out  in bags , bundles too large to be got into any bags , immense masses of papers of all shapes and no shapes , which the bearers staggered under , and threw down for the time being , anyhow , on the hall pavement , while they went back to bring out more . even these clerks were laughing . we glanced at the papers , and seeing jarndyce and jarndyce everywhere , asked an official looking person who was standing in the midst of them whether the cause was over . yes , he said , it was all up with it at last , and burst out laughing too . at this juncture we perceived mr . kenge coming out of court with an affable dignity upon him , listening to mr . vholes , who was deferential and carried his own bag . mr . vholes was the first to see us . here is miss summerson , sir , he said . and mr . woodcourt . oh , indeed . yes . truly . said mr . kenge , raising his hat to me with polished politeness . how do you do . glad to see you . mr . jarndyce is not here . no . he never came there , i reminded him . really , returned mr . kenge , it is as well that he is not here to day, , for his  i say , in my good friends absence , his indomitable singularity of opinion . have been strengthened , perhaps not reasonably , but might have been strengthened . pray what has been done to day . asked allan . i beg your pardon . said mr . kenge with excessive urbanity . what has been done to day . what has been done , repeated mr . kenge . quite so . yes . why , not much has been done not much . we have been checked  up suddenly , i would say  the  i term it threshold . is this will considered a genuine document , sir . said allan . will you tell us that . most certainly , if i could , said mr . kenge but we have not gone into that , we have not gone into that . we have not gone into that , repeated mr . vholes as if his low inward voice were an echo . you are to reflect , mr . woodcourt , observed mr . kenge , using his silver trowel persuasively and smoothingly , that this has been a great cause , that this has been a protracted cause , that this has been a complex cause . jarndyce and jarndyce has been termed , not inaptly , a monument of chancery practice . and patience has sat upon it a long time , said allan . very well indeed , sir , returned mr . kenge with a certain condescending laugh he had . very well . you are further to reflect , mr . woodcourt , becoming dignified almost to severity , that on the numerous difficulties , contingencies , masterly fictions , and forms of procedure in this great cause , there has been expended study , ability , eloquence , knowledge , intellect , mr . woodcourt , high intellect . for many years , the  would say the flower of the bar , and the  would presume to add , the matured autumnal fruits of the woolsack  been lavished upon jarndyce and jarndyce . if the public have the benefit , and if the country have the adornment , of this great grasp , it must be paid for in money or moneys worth , sir . mr . kenge , said allan , appearing enlightened all in a moment . excuse me , our time presses . do i understand that the whole estate is found to have been absorbed in costs . hem . i believe so , returned mr . kenge . mr . vholes , what do you say . i believe so , said mr . vholes . and that thus the suit lapses and melts away . probably , returned mr . kenge . mr . vholes . probably , said mr . vholes . my dearest life , whispered allan , this will break richards heart . there was such a shock of apprehension in his face , and he knew richard so perfectly , and i too had seen so much of his gradual decay , that what my dear girl had said to me in the fullness of her foreboding love sounded like a knell in my ears . in case you should be wanting mr . c . sir , said mr . vholes , coming after us , youll find him in court . i left him there resting himself a little . good day , sir good day , miss summerson . as he gave me that slowly devouring look of his , while twisting up the strings of his bag before he hastened with it after mr . kenge , the benignant shadow of whose conversational presence he seemed afraid to leave , he gave one gasp as if he had swallowed the last morsel of his client , and his black buttoned up unwholesome figure glided away to the low door at the end of the hall . my dear love , said allan , leave to me , for a little while , the charge you gave me . go home with this intelligence and come to adas by and by . i would not let him take me to a coach , but entreated him to go to richard without a moments delay and leave me to do as he wished . hurrying home , i found my guardian and told him gradually with what news i had returned . little woman , said he , quite unmoved for himself , to have done with the suit on any terms is a greater blessing than i had looked for . but my poor young cousins . we talked about them all the morning and discussed what it was possible to do . in the afternoon my guardian walked with me to symonds inn and left me at the door . i went upstairs . when my darling heard my footsteps , she came out into the small passage and threw her arms round my neck , but she composed herself directly and said that richard had asked for me several times . allan had found him sitting in the corner of the court , she told me , like a stone figure . on being roused , he had broken away and made as if he would have spoken in a fierce voice to the judge . he was stopped by his mouth being full of blood , and allan had brought him home . he was lying on a sofa with his eyes closed when i went in . there were restoratives on the table the room was made as airy as possible , and was darkened , and was very orderly and quiet . allan stood behind him watching him gravely . his face appeared to me to be quite destitute of colour , and now that i saw him without his seeing me , i fully saw , for the first time , how worn away he was . but he looked handsomer than i had seen him look for many a day . i sat down by his side in silence . opening his eyes by and by , he said in a weak voice , but with his old smile , dame durden , kiss me , my dear . it was a great comfort and surprise to me to find him in his low state cheerful and looking forward . he was happier , he said , in our intended marriage than he could find words to tell me . my husband had been a guardian angel to him and ada , and he blessed us both and wished us all the joy that life could yield us . i almost felt as if my own heart would have broken when i saw him take my husbands hand and hold it to his breast . we spoke of the future as much as possible , and he said several times that he must be present at our marriage if he could stand upon his feet . ada would contrive to take him , somehow , he said . yes , surely , dearest richard . but as my darling answered him thus hopefully , so serene and beautiful , with the help that was to come to her so near  knew  . it was not good for him to talk too much , and when he was silent , we were silent too . sitting beside him , i made a pretence of working for my dear , as he had always been used to joke about my being busy . ada leaned upon his pillow , holding his head upon her arm . he dozed often , and whenever he awoke without seeing him , said first of all , where is woodcourt . evening had come on when i lifted up my eyes and saw my guardian standing in the little hall . who is that , dame durden . richard asked me . the door was behind him , but he had observed in my face that some one was there . i looked to allan for advice , and as he nodded yes , bent over richard and told him . my guardian saw what passed , came softly by me in a moment , and laid his hand on richards . oh , sir , said richard , you are a good man , you are a good man . and burst into tears for the first time . my guardian , the picture of a good man , sat down in my place , keeping his hand on richards . my dear rick , said he , the clouds have cleared away , and it is bright now . we can see now . we were all bewildered , rick , more or less . what matters . and how are you , my dear boy . i am very weak , sir , but i hope i shall be stronger . i have to begin the world . aye , truly well said . cried my guardian . i will not begin it in the old way now , said richard with a sad smile . i have learned a lesson now , sir . it was a hard one , but you shall be assured , indeed , that i have learned it . well , said my guardian , comforting him well , dear boy . i was thinking , sir , resumed richard , that there is nothing on earth i should so much like to see as their house  durdens and woodcourts house . if i could be removed there when i begin to recover my strength , i feel as if i should get well there sooner than anywhere . why , so have i been thinking too , rick , said my guardian , and our little woman likewise she and i have been talking of it this very day . i dare say her husband wont object . what do you think . richard smiled and lifted up his arm to touch him as he stood behind the head of the couch . i say nothing of ada , said richard , but i think of her , and have thought of her very much . look at her . see her here , sir , bending over this pillow when she has so much need to rest upon it herself , my dear love , my poor girl . he clasped her in his arms , and none of us spoke . he gradually released her , and she looked upon us , and looked up to heaven , and moved her lips . when i get down to bleak house , said richard , i shall have much to tell you , sir , and you will have much to show me . you will go , wont you . undoubtedly , dear rick . thank you like you , like you , said richard . but its all like you . they have been telling me how you planned it and how you remembered all esthers familiar tastes and ways . it will be like coming to the old bleak house again . and you will come there too , i hope , rick . i am a solitary man now , you know , and it will be a charity to come to me . a charity to come to me , my love . he repeated to ada as he gently passed his hand over her golden hair and put a lock of it to his lips . i think he vowed within himself to cherish her if she were left alone . it was a troubled dream . said richard , clasping both my guardians hands eagerly . nothing more , rick nothing more . and you , being a good man , can pass it as such , and forgive and pity the dreamer , and be lenient and encouraging when he wakes . indeed i can . what am i but another dreamer , rick . i will begin the world . said richard with a light in his eyes . my husband drew a little nearer towards ada , and i saw him solemnly lift up his hand to warn my guardian . when shall i go from this place to that pleasant country where the old times are , where i shall have strength to tell what ada has been to me , where i shall be able to recall my many faults and blindnesses , where i shall prepare myself to be a guide to my unborn child . said richard . when shall i go . dear rick , when you are strong enough , returned my guardian . ada , my darling . he sought to raise himself a little . allan raised him so that she could hold him on her bosom , which was what he wanted . i have done you many wrongs , my own . i have fallen like a poor stray shadow on your way , i have married you to poverty and trouble , i have scattered your means to the winds . you will forgive me all this , my ada , before i begin the world . a smile irradiated his face as she bent to kiss him . he slowly laid his face down upon her bosom , drew his arms closer round her neck , and with one parting sob began the world . not this world , oh , not this . the world that sets this right . when all was still , at a late hour , poor crazed miss flite came weeping to me and told me she had given her birds their liberty . chapter lxvi down in lincolnshire there is a hush upon chesney wold in these altered days , as there is upon a portion of the family history . the story goes that sir leicester paid some who could have spoken out to hold their peace but it is a lame story , feebly whispering and creeping about , and any brighter spark of life it shows soon dies away . it is known for certain that the handsome lady dedlock lies in the mausoleum in the park , where the trees arch darkly overhead , and the owl is heard at night making the woods ring but whence she was brought home to be laid among the echoes of that solitary place , or how she died , is all mystery . some of her old friends , principally to be found among the peachy cheeked charmers with the skeleton throats , did once occasionally say , as they toyed in a ghastly manner with large fans  charmers reduced to flirting with grim death , after losing all their other beaux  once occasionally say , when the world assembled together , that they wondered the ashes of the dedlocks , entombed in the mausoleum , never rose against the profanation of her company . but the dead and dedlocks take it very calmly and have never been known to object . up from among the fern in the hollow , and winding by the bridle road among the trees , comes sometimes to this lonely spot the sound of horses hoofs . then may be seen sir leicester  , bent , and almost blind , but of worthy presence yet  with a stalwart man beside him , constant to his bridle rein . when they come to a certain spot before the mausoleum door, , sir leicesters accustomed horse stops of his own accord , and sir leicester , pulling off his hat , is still for a few moments before they ride away . war rages yet with the audacious boythorn , though at uncertain intervals , and now hotly , and now coolly , flickering like an unsteady fire . the truth is said to be that when sir leicester came down to lincolnshire for good , mr . boythorn showed a manifest desire to abandon his right of way and do whatever sir leicester would , which sir leicester , conceiving to be a condescension to his illness or misfortune , took in such high dudgeon , and was so magnificently aggrieved by , that mr . boythorn found himself under the necessity of committing a flagrant trespass to restore his neighbour to himself . similarly , mr . boythorn continues to post tremendous placards on the disputed thoroughfare and to hold forth vehemently against sir leicester in the sanctuary of his own home similarly , also , he defies him as of old in the little church by testifying a bland unconsciousness of his existence . but it is whispered that when he is most ferocious towards his old foe , he is really most considerate , and that sir leicester , in the dignity of being implacable , little supposes how much he is humoured . as little does he think how near together he and his antagonist have suffered in the fortunes of two sisters , and his antagonist , who knows it now , is not the man to tell him . so the quarrel goes on to the satisfaction of both . in one of the lodges of the park  lodge within sight of the house where , once upon a time , when the waters were out down in lincolnshire , my lady used to see the keepers child  stalwart man , the trooper formerly , is housed . some relics of his old calling hang upon the walls , and these it is the chosen recreation of a little lame man about the stable yard to keep gleaming bright . a busy little man he always is , in the polishing at harness house doors , of stirrup irons, , bits , curb chains, , harness bosses , anything in the way of a stable yard that will take a polish , leading a life of friction . a shaggy little damaged man , withal , not unlike an old dog of some mongrel breed , who has been considerably knocked about . he answers to the name of phil . a goodly sight it is to see the grand old housekeeper harder of hearing now going to church on the arm of her son and to observe  few do , for the house is scant of company in these times  relations of both towards sir leicester , and his towards them . they have visitors in the high summer weather , when a grey cloak and umbrella , unknown to chesney wold at other periods , are seen among the leaves when two young ladies are occasionally found gambolling in sequestered saw pits and such nooks of the park and when the smoke of two pipes wreathes away into the fragrant evening air from the troopers door . then is a fife heard trolling within the lodge on the inspiring topic of the british grenadiers and as the evening closes in , a gruff inflexible voice is heard to say , while two men pace together up and down , but i never own to it before the old girl . discipline must be maintained . the greater part of the house is shut up , and it is a show house no longer yet sir leicester holds his shrunken state in the long drawing room for all that , and reposes in his old place before my ladys picture . closed in by night with broad screens , and illumined only in that part , the light of the drawing room seems gradually contracting and dwindling until it shall be no more . a little more , in truth , and it will be all extinguished for sir leicester and the damp door in the mausoleum which shuts so tight , and looks so obdurate , will have opened and received him . volumnia , growing with the flight of time pinker as to the red in her face , and yellower as to the white , reads to sir leicester in the long evenings and is driven to various artifices to conceal her yawns , of which the chief and most efficacious is the insertion of the pearl necklace between her rosy lips . long winded treatises on the buffy and boodle question , showing how buffy is immaculate and boodle villainous , and how the country is lost by being all boodle and no buffy , or saved by being all buffy and no boodle it must be one of the two , and cannot be anything else , are the staple of her reading . sir leicester is not particular what it is and does not appear to follow it very closely , further than that he always comes broad awake the moment volumnia ventures to leave off , and sonorously repeating her last words , begs with some displeasure to know if she finds herself fatigued . however , volumnia , in the course of her bird like hopping about and pecking at papers , has alighted on a memorandum concerning herself in the event of anything happening to her kinsman , which is handsome compensation for an extensive course of reading and holds even the dragon boredom at bay . the cousins generally are rather shy of chesney wold in its dullness , but take to it a little in the shooting season , when guns are heard in the plantations , and a few scattered beaters and keepers wait at the old places of appointment for low spirited twos and threes of cousins . the debilitated cousin , more debilitated by the dreariness of the place , gets into a fearful state of depression , groaning under penitential sofa pillows in his gunless hours and protesting that such fernal old jails  tsew fler up  . the only great occasions for volumnia in this changed aspect of the place in lincolnshire are those occasions , rare and widely separated , when something is to be done for the county or the country in the way of gracing a public ball . then , indeed , does the tuckered sylph come out in fairy form and proceed with joy under cousinly escort to the exhausted old assembly room, , fourteen heavy miles off , which , during three hundred and sixty four days and nights of every ordinary year , is a kind of antipodean lumber room full of old chairs and tables upside down . then , indeed , does she captivate all hearts by her condescension , by her girlish vivacity , and by her skipping about as in the days when the hideous old general with the mouth too full of teeth had not cut one of them at two guineas each . then does she twirl and twine , a pastoral nymph of good family , through the mazes of the dance . then do the swains appear with tea , with lemonade , with sandwiches , with homage . then is she kind and cruel , stately and unassuming , various , beautifully wilful . then is there a singular kind of parallel between her and the little glass chandeliers of another age embellishing that assembly room, , which , with their meagre stems , their spare little drops , their disappointing knobs where no drops are , their bare little stalks from which knobs and drops have both departed , and their little feeble prismatic twinkling , all seem volumnias . for the rest , lincolnshire life to volumnia is a vast blank of overgrown house looking out upon trees , sighing , wringing their hands , bowing their heads , and casting their tears upon the window panes in monotonous depressions . a labyrinth of grandeur , less the property of an old family of human beings and their ghostly likenesses than of an old family of echoings and thunderings which start out of their hundred graves at every sound and go resounding through the building . a waste of unused passages and staircases in which to drop a comb upon a bedroom floor at night is to send a stealthy footfall on an errand through the house . a place where few people care to go about alone , where a maid screams if an ash drops from the fire , takes to crying at all times and seasons , becomes the victim of a low disorder of the spirits , and gives warning and departs . thus chesney wold . with so much of itself abandoned to darkness and vacancy with so little change under the summer shining or the wintry lowering so sombre and motionless always  flag flying now by day , no rows of lights sparkling by night with no family to come and go , no visitors to be the souls of pale cold shapes of rooms , no stir of life about it  and pride , even to the strangers eye , have died away from the place in lincolnshire and yielded it to dull repose . chapter lxvii the close of esthers narrative full seven happy years i have been the mistress of bleak house . the few words that i have to add to what i have written are soon penned then i and the unknown friend to whom i write will part for ever . not without much dear remembrance on my side . not without some , i hope , on his or hers . they gave my darling into my arms , and through many weeks i never left her . the little child who was to have done so much was born before the turf was planted on its fathers grave . it was a boy and i , my husband , and my guardian gave him his fathers name . the help that my dear counted on did come to her , though it came , in the eternal wisdom , for another purpose . though to bless and restore his mother , not his father , was the errand of this baby , its power was mighty to do it . when i saw the strength of the weak little hand and how its touch could heal my darlings heart and raised hope within her , i felt a new sense of the goodness and the tenderness of god . they throve , and by degrees i saw my dear girl pass into my country garden and walk there with her infant in her arms . i was married then . i was the happiest of the happy . it was at this time that my guardian joined us and asked ada when she would come home . both houses are your home , my dear , said he , but the older bleak house claims priority . when you and my boy are strong enough to do it , come and take possession of your home . ada called him her dearest cousin , john . but he said , no , it must be guardian now . he was her guardian henceforth , and the boys and he had an old association with the name . so she called him guardian , and has called him guardian ever since . the children know him by no other name . i say the children i have two little daughters . it is difficult to believe that charley round eyed still , and not at all grammatical is married to a miller in our neighbourhood yet so it is and even now , looking up from my desk as i write early in the morning at my summer window , i see the very mill beginning to go round . i hope the miller will not spoil charley but he is very fond of her , and charley is rather vain of such a match , for he is well to do and was in great request . so far as my small maid is concerned , i might suppose time to have stood for seven years as still as the mill did half an hour ago , since little emma , charleys sister , is exactly what charley used to be . as to tom , charleys brother , i am really afraid to say what he did at school in ciphering , but i think it was decimals . he is apprenticed to the miller , whatever it was , and is a good bashful fellow , always falling in love with somebody and being ashamed of it . caddy jellyby passed her very last holidays with us and was a dearer creature than ever , perpetually dancing in and out of the house with the children as if she had never given a dancing lesson in her life . caddy keeps her own little carriage now instead of hiring one , and lives full two miles further westward than newman street . she works very hard , her husband being lame and able to do very little . still , she is more than contented and does all she has to do with all her heart . mr . jellyby spends his evenings at her new house with his head against the wall as he used to do in her old one . i have heard that mrs . jellyby was understood to suffer great mortification from her daughters ignoble marriage and pursuits , but i hope she got over it in time . she has been disappointed in borrioboola gha, , which turned out a failure in consequence of the king of borrioboola wanting to sell everybody  survived the climate  rum , but she has taken up with the rights of women to sit in parliament , and caddy tells me it is a mission involving more correspondence than the old one . i had almost forgotten caddys poor little girl . she is not such a mite now , but she is deaf and dumb . i believe there never was a better mother than caddy , who learns , in her scanty intervals of leisure , innumerable deaf and dumb arts to soften the affliction of her child . as if i were never to have done with caddy , i am reminded here of peepy and old mr . turveydrop . peepy is in the custom house , and doing extremely well . old mr . turveydrop , very apoplectic , still exhibits his deportment about town , still enjoys himself in the old manner , is still believed in the old way . he is constant in his patronage of peepy and is understood to have bequeathed him a favourite french clock in his dressing room is not his property . with the first money we saved at home , we added to our pretty house by throwing out a little growlery expressly for my guardian , which we inaugurated with great splendour the next time he came down to see us . i try to write all this lightly , because my heart is full in drawing to an end , but when i write of him , my tears will have their way . i never look at him but i hear our poor dear richard calling him a good man . to ada and her pretty boy , he is the fondest father to me he is what he has ever been , and what name can i give to that . he is my husbands best and dearest friend , he is our childrens darling , he is the object of our deepest love and veneration . yet while i feel towards him as if he were a superior being , i am so familiar with him and so easy with him that i almost wonder at myself . i have never lost my old names , nor has he lost his nor do i ever , when he is with us , sit in any other place than in my old chair at his side , dame trot , dame durden , little woman  just the same as ever and i answer , yes , dear guardian . just the same . i have never known the wind to be in the east for a single moment since the day when he took me to the porch to read the name . i remarked to him once that the wind seemed never in the east now , and he said , no , truly it had finally departed from that quarter on that very day . i think my darling girl is more beautiful than ever . the sorrow that has been in her face  it is not there now  to have purified even its innocent expression and to have given it a diviner quality . sometimes when i raise my eyes and see her in the black dress that she still wears , teaching my richard , i feel  is difficult to express  if it were so good to know that she remembers her dear esther in her prayers . i call him my richard . but he says that he has two mamas , and i am one . we are not rich in the bank , but we have always prospered , and we have quite enough . i never walk out with my husband but i hear the people bless him . i never go into a house of any degree but i hear his praises or see them in grateful eyes . i never lie down at night but i know that in the course of that day he has alleviated pain and soothed some fellow creature in the time of need . i know that from the beds of those who were past recovery , thanks have often , gone up , in the last hour , for his patient ministration . is not this to be rich . the people even praise me as the doctors wife . the people even like me as i go about , and make so much of me that i am quite abashed . i owe it all to him , my love , my pride . they like me for his sake , as i do everything i do in life for his sake . a night or two ago , after bustling about preparing for my darling and my guardian and little richard , who are coming to morrow, , i was sitting out in the porch of all places , that dearly memorable porch , when allan came home . so he said , my precious little woman , what are you doing here . and i said , the moon is shining so brightly , allan , and the night is so delicious , that i have been sitting here thinking . what have you been thinking about , my dear . said allan then . how curious you are . said i . i am almost ashamed to tell you , but i will . i have been thinking about my old looks  as they were . and what have you been thinking about them , my busy bee . said allan . i have been thinking that i thought it was impossible that you could have loved me any better , even if i had retained them . such as they were . said allan , laughing . such as they were , of course . my dear dame durden , said allan , drawing my arm through his , do you ever look in the glass . you know i do you see me do it . and dont you know that you are prettier than you ever were . i did not know that i am not certain that i know it now . but i know that my dearest little pets are very pretty , and that my darling is very beautiful , and that my husband is very handsome , and that my guardian has the brightest and most benevolent face that ever was seen , and that they can very well do without much beauty in me  supposing  . mr . utterson the lawyer was a man of a rugged countenance that was never lighted by a smile cold , scanty and embarrassed in discourse backward in sentiment lean , long , dusty , dreary and yet somehow lovable . at friendly meetings , and when the wine was to his taste , something eminently human beaconed from his eye something indeed which never found its way into his talk , but which spoke not only in these silent symbols of the after dinner face , but more often and loudly in the acts of his life . he was austere with himself drank gin when he was alone , to mortify a taste for vintages and though he enjoyed the theatre , had not crossed the doors of one for twenty years . but he had an approved tolerance for others sometimes wondering , almost with envy , at the high pressure of spirits involved in their misdeeds and in any extremity inclined to help rather than to reprove . i incline to cains heresy , he used to say quaintly i let my brother go to the devil in his own way . in this character , it was frequently his fortune to be the last reputable acquaintance and the last good influence in the lives of downgoing men . and to such as these , so long as they came about his chambers , he never marked a shade of change in his demeanour . no doubt the feat was easy to mr . utterson for he was undemonstrative at the best , and even his friendship seemed to be founded in a similar catholicity of good nature . it is the mark of a modest man to accept his friendly circle ready made from the hands of opportunity and that was the lawyers way . his friends were those of his own blood or those whom he had known the longest his affections , like ivy , were the growth of time , they implied no aptness in the object . hence , no doubt the bond that united him to mr . richard enfield , his distant kinsman , the well known man about town . it was a nut to crack for many , what these two could see in each other , or what subject they could find in common . it was reported by those who encountered them in their sunday walks , that they said nothing , looked singularly dull and would hail with obvious relief the appearance of a friend . for all that , the two men put the greatest store by these excursions , counted them the chief jewel of each week , and not only set aside occasions of pleasure , but even resisted the calls of business , that they might enjoy them uninterrupted . it chanced on one of these rambles that their way led them down a by street in a busy quarter of london . the street was small and what is called quiet , but it drove a thriving trade on the weekdays . the inhabitants were all doing well , it seemed and all emulously hoping to do better still , and laying out the surplus of their grains in coquetry so that the shop fronts stood along that thoroughfare with an air of invitation , like rows of smiling saleswomen . even on sunday , when it veiled its more florid charms and lay comparatively empty of passage , the street shone out in contrast to its dingy neighbourhood , like a fire in a forest and with its freshly painted shutters , well polished brasses , and general cleanliness and gaiety of note , instantly caught and pleased the eye of the passenger . two doors from one corner , on the left hand going east the line was broken by the entry of a court and just at that point a certain sinister block of building thrust forward its gable on the street . it was two storeys high showed no window , nothing but a door on the lower storey and a blind forehead of discoloured wall on the upper and bore in every feature , the marks of prolonged and sordid negligence . the door , which was equipped with neither bell nor knocker , was blistered and distained . tramps slouched into the recess and struck matches on the panels children kept shop upon the steps the schoolboy had tried his knife on the mouldings and for close on a generation , no one had appeared to drive away these random visitors or to repair their ravages . mr . enfield and the lawyer were on the other side of the by street but when they came abreast of the entry , the former lifted up his cane and pointed . did you ever remark that door . he asked and when his companion had replied in the affirmative , it is connected in my mind , added he , with a very odd story . indeed . said mr . utterson , with a slight change of voice , and what was that . well , it was this way , returned mr . enfield i was coming home from some place at the end of the world , about three oclock of a black winter morning , and my way lay through a part of town where there was literally nothing to be seen but lamps . street after street and all the folks asleepstreet after street , all lighted up as if for a procession and all as empty as a churchtill at last i got into that state of mind when a man listens and listens and begins to long for the sight of a policeman . all at once , i saw two figures one a little man who was stumping along eastward at a good walk , and the other a girl of maybe eight or ten who was running as hard as she was able down a cross street . well , sir , the two ran into one another naturally enough at the corner and then came the horrible part of the thing for the man trampled calmly over the childs body and left her screaming on the ground . it sounds nothing to hear , but it was hellish to see . it wasnt like a man it was like some damned juggernaut . i gave a few halloa , took to my heels , collared my gentleman , and brought him back to where there was already quite a group about the screaming child . he was perfectly cool and made no resistance , but gave me one look , so ugly that it brought out the sweat on me like running . the people who had turned out were the girls own family and pretty soon , the doctor , for whom she had been sent put in his appearance . well , the child was not much the worse , more frightened , according to the sawbones and there you might have supposed would be an end to it . but there was one curious circumstance . i had taken a loathing to my gentleman at first sight . so had the childs family , which was only natural . but the doctors case was what struck me . he was the usual cut and dry apothecary , of no particular age and colour , with a strong edinburgh accent and about as emotional as a bagpipe . well , sir , he was like the rest of us every time he looked at my prisoner , i saw that sawbones turn sick and white with the desire to kill him . i knew what was in his mind , just as he knew what was in mine and killing being out of the question , we did the next best . we told the man we could and would make such a scandal out of this as should make his name stink from one end of london to the other . if he had any friends or any credit , we undertook that he should lose them . and all the time , as we were pitching it in red hot , we were keeping the women off him as best we could for they were as wild as harpies . i never saw a circle of such hateful faces and there was the man in the middle , with a kind of black sneering coolnessfrightened too , i could see thatbut carrying it off , sir , really like satan . if you choose to make capital out of this accident , said he , i am naturally helpless . no gentleman but wishes to avoid a scene , says he . name your figure . well , we screwed him up to a hundred pounds for the childs family he would have clearly liked to stick out but there was something about the lot of us that meant mischief , and at last he struck . the next thing was to get the money and where do you think he carried us but to that place with the door . whipped out a key , went in , and presently came back with the matter of ten pounds in gold and a cheque for the balance on couttss , drawn payable to bearer and signed with a name that i cant mention , though its one of the points of my story , but it was a name at least very well known and often printed . the figure was stiff but the signature was good for more than that if it was only genuine . i took the liberty of pointing out to my gentleman that the whole business looked apocryphal , and that a man does not , in real life , walk into a cellar door at four in the morning and come out with another mans cheque for close upon a hundred pounds . but he was quite easy and sneering . set your mind at rest , says he , i will stay with you till the banks open and cash the cheque myself . so we all set off , the doctor , and the childs father , and our friend and myself , and passed the rest of the night in my chambers and next day , when we had breakfasted , went in a body to the bank . i gave in the cheque myself , and said i had every reason to believe it was a forgery . not a bit of it . the cheque was genuine . tut tut . said mr . utterson . i see you feel as i do , said mr . enfield . yes , its a bad story . for my man was a fellow that nobody could have to do with , a really damnable man and the person that drew the cheque is the very pink of the proprieties , celebrated too , and one of your fellows who do what they call good . blackmail , i suppose an honest man paying through the nose for some of the capers of his youth . black mail house is what i call the place with the door , in consequence . though even that , you know , is far from explaining all , he added , and with the words fell into a vein of musing . from this he was recalled by mr . utterson asking rather suddenly and you dont know if the drawer of the cheque lives there . a likely place , isnt it . returned mr . enfield . but i happen to have noticed his address he lives in some square or other . and you never asked about theplace with the door . said mr . utterson . no , sir i had a delicacy , was the reply . i feel very strongly about putting questions it partakes too much of the style of the day of judgment . you start a question , and its like starting a stone . you sit quietly on the top of a hill and away the stone goes , starting others and presently some bland old bird is knocked on the head in his own back garden and the family have to change their name . no sir , i make it a rule of mine the more it looks like queer street , the less i ask . a very good rule , too , said the lawyer . but i have studied the place for myself , continued mr . enfield . it seems scarcely a house . there is no other door , and nobody goes in or out of that one but , once in a great while , the gentleman of my adventure . there are three windows looking on the court on the first floor none below the windows are always shut but theyre clean . and then there is a chimney which is generally smoking so somebody must live there . and yet its not so sure for the buildings are so packed together about the court , that its hard to say where one ends and another begins . the pair walked on again for a while in silence and then enfield , said mr . utterson , thats a good rule of yours . yes , i think it is , returned enfield . but for all that , continued the lawyer , theres one point i want to ask . i want to ask the name of that man who walked over the child . well , said mr . enfield , i cant see what harm it would do . it was a man of the name of hyde . hm , said mr . utterson . what sort of a man is he to see . he is not easy to describe . there is something wrong with his appearance something displeasing , something down right detestable . i never saw a man i so disliked , and yet i scarce know why . he must be deformed somewhere he gives a strong feeling of deformity , although i couldnt specify the point . hes an extraordinary looking man , and yet i really can name nothing out of the way . no , sir i can make no hand of it i cant describe him . and its not want of memory for i declare i can see him this moment . mr . utterson again walked some way in silence and obviously under a weight of consideration . you are sure he used a key . he inquired at last . my dear sir .  .  . began enfield , surprised out of himself . yes , i know , said utterson i know it must seem strange . the fact is , if i do not ask you the name of the other party , it is because i know it already . you see , richard , your tale has gone home . if you have been inexact in any point you had better correct it . i think you might have warned me , returned the other with a touch of sullenness . but i have been pedantically exact , as you call it . the fellow had a key and whats more , he has it still . i saw him use it not a week ago . mr . utterson sighed deeply but said never a word and the young man presently resumed . here is another lesson to say nothing , said he . i am ashamed of my long tongue . let us make a bargain never to refer to this again . with all my heart , said the lawyer . i shake hands on that , richard . search for mr . hyde that evening mr . utterson came home to his bachelor house in sombre spirits and sat down to dinner without relish . it was his custom of a sunday , when this meal was over , to sit close by the fire , a volume of some dry divinity on his reading desk , until the clock of the neighbouring church rang out the hour of twelve , when he would go soberly and gratefully to bed . on this night however , as soon as the cloth was taken away , he took up a candle and went into his business room . there he opened his safe , took from the most private part of it a document endorsed on the envelope as dr . jekylls will and sat down with a clouded brow to study its contents . the will was holograph , for mr . utterson though he took charge of it now that it was made , had refused to lend the least assistance in the making of it provided not only that , in case of the decease of henry jekyll , m . d . d . c . l . l .  . d . f . r . s . etc . all his possessions were to pass into the hands of his friend and benefactor edward hyde , but that in case of dr . jekylls disappearance or unexplained absence for any period exceeding three calendar months , the said edward hyde should step into the said henry jekylls shoes without further delay and free from any burthen or obligation beyond the payment of a few small sums to the members of the doctors household . this document had long been the lawyers eyesore . it offended him both as a lawyer and as a lover of the sane and customary sides of life , to whom the fanciful was the immodest . and hitherto it was his ignorance of mr . hyde that had swelled his indignation now , by a sudden turn , it was his knowledge . it was already bad enough when the name was but a name of which he could learn no more . it was worse when it began to be clothed upon with detestable attributes and out of the shifting , insubstantial mists that had so long baffled his eye , there leaped up the sudden , definite presentment of a fiend . i thought it was madness , he said , as he replaced the obnoxious paper in the safe , and now i begin to fear it is disgrace . with that he blew out his candle , put on a greatcoat , and set forth in the direction of cavendish square , that citadel of medicine , where his friend , the great dr . lanyon , had his house and received his crowding patients . if anyone knows , it will be lanyon , he had thought . the solemn butler knew and welcomed him he was subjected to no stage of delay , but ushered direct from the door to the dining room where dr . lanyon sat alone over his wine . this was a hearty , healthy , dapper , red faced gentleman , with a shock of hair prematurely white , and a boisterous and decided manner . at sight of mr . utterson , he sprang up from his chair and welcomed him with both hands . the geniality , as was the way of the man , was somewhat theatrical to the eye but it reposed on genuine feeling . for these two were old friends , old mates both at school and college , both thorough respectors of themselves and of each other , and what does not always follow , men who thoroughly enjoyed each others company . after a little rambling talk , the lawyer led up to the subject which so disagreeably preoccupied his mind . i suppose , lanyon , said he , you and i must be the two oldest friends that henry jekyll has . i wish the friends were younger , chuckled dr . lanyon . but i suppose we are . and what of that . i see little of him now . indeed . said utterson . i thought you had a bond of common interest . we had , was the reply . but it is more than ten years since henry jekyll became too fanciful for me . he began to go wrong , in mind and though of course i continue to take an interest in him for old sakes sake , as they say , i see and i have seen devilish little of the man . such unscientific balderdash , added the doctor , flushing suddenly purple , would have estranged damon and pythias . this little spirit of temper was somewhat of a relief to mr . utterson . they have only differed on some point of science , he thought and being a man of no scientific passions except in the matter of conveyancing , he even added it is nothing worse than that . he gave his friend a few seconds to recover his composure , and then approached the question he had come to put . did you ever come across a protg of hisone hyde . he asked . hyde . repeated lanyon . no . never heard of him . since my time . that was the amount of information that the lawyer carried back with him to the great , dark bed on which he tossed to and fro , until the small hours of the morning began to grow large . it was a night of little ease to his toiling mind , toiling in mere darkness and besieged by questions . six oclock struck on the bells of the church that was so conveniently near to mr . uttersons dwelling , and still he was digging at the problem . hitherto it had touched him on the intellectual side alone but now his imagination also was engaged , or rather enslaved and as he lay and tossed in the gross darkness of the night and the curtained room , mr . enfields tale went by before his mind in a scroll of lighted pictures . he would be aware of the great field of lamps of a nocturnal city then of the figure of a man walking swiftly then of a child running from the doctors and then these met , and that human juggernaut trod the child down and passed on regardless of her screams . or else he would see a room in a rich house , where his friend lay asleep , dreaming and smiling at his dreams and then the door of that room would be opened , the curtains of the bed plucked apart , the sleeper recalled , and lo . there would stand by his side a figure to whom power was given , and even at that dead hour , he must rise and do its bidding . the figure in these two phases haunted the lawyer all night and if at any time he dozed over , it was but to see it glide more stealthily through sleeping houses , or move the more swiftly and still the more swiftly , even to dizziness , through wider labyrinths of lamplighted city , and at every street corner crush a child and leave her screaming . and still the figure had no face by which he might know it even in his dreams , it had no face , or one that baffled him and melted before his eyes and thus it was that there sprang up and grew apace in the lawyers mind a singularly strong , almost an inordinate , curiosity to behold the features of the real mr . hyde . if he could but once set eyes on him , he thought the mystery would lighten and perhaps roll altogether away , as was the habit of mysterious things when well examined . he might see a reason for his friends strange preference or bondage and even for the startling clause of the will . at least it would be a face worth seeing the face of a man who was without bowels of mercy a face which had but to show itself to raise up , in the mind of the unimpressionable enfield , a spirit of enduring hatred . from that time forward , mr . utterson began to haunt the door in the by street of shops . in the morning before office hours , at noon when business was plenty and time scarce , at night under the face of the fogged city moon , by all lights and at all hours of solitude or concourse , the lawyer was to be found on his chosen post . if he be mr . hyde , he had thought , i shall be mr . seek . and at last his patience was rewarded . it was a fine dry night frost in the air the streets as clean as a ballroom floor the lamps , unshaken by any wind , drawing a regular pattern of light and shadow . by ten oclock , when the shops were closed , the by street was very solitary and , in spite of the low growl of london from all round , very silent . small sounds carried far domestic sounds out of the houses were clearly audible on either side of the roadway and the rumour of the approach of any passenger preceded him by a long time . mr . utterson had been some minutes at his post , when he was aware of an odd light footstep drawing near . in the course of his nightly patrols , he had long grown accustomed to the quaint effect with which the footfalls of a single person , while he is still a great way off , suddenly spring out distinct from the vast hum and clatter of the city . yet his attention had never before been so sharply and decisively arrested and it was with a strong , superstitious prevision of success that he withdrew into the entry of the court . the steps drew swiftly nearer , and swelled out suddenly louder as they turned the end of the street . the lawyer , looking forth from the entry , could soon see what manner of man he had to deal with . he was small and very plainly dressed and the look of him , even at that distance , went somehow strongly against the watchers inclination . but he made straight for the door , crossing the roadway to save time and as he came , he drew a key from his pocket like one approaching home . mr . utterson stepped out and touched him on the shoulder as he passed . mr . hyde , i think . mr . hyde shrank back with a hissing intake of the breath . but his fear was only momentary and though he did not look the lawyer in the face , he answered coolly enough that is my name . what do you want . i see you are going in , returned the lawyer . i am an old friend of dr . jekyllsmr . utterson of gaunt streetyou must have heard of my name and meeting you so conveniently , i thought you might admit me . you will not find dr . jekyll he is from home , replied mr . hyde , blowing in the key . and then suddenly , but still without looking up , how did you know me . he asked . on your side , said mr . utterson will you do me a favour . with pleasure , replied the other . what shall it be . will you let me see your face . asked the lawyer . mr . hyde appeared to hesitate , and then , as if upon some sudden reflection , fronted about with an air of defiance and the pair stared at each other pretty fixedly for a few seconds . now i shall know you again , said mr . utterson . it may be useful . yes , returned mr . hyde , it is as well we have met and propos , you should have my address . and he gave a number of a street in soho . good god . thought mr . utterson , can he , too , have been thinking of the will . but he kept his feelings to himself and only grunted in acknowledgment of the address . and now , said the other , how did you know me . by description , was the reply . whose description . we have common friends , said mr . utterson . common friends , echoed mr . hyde , a little hoarsely . who are they . jekyll , for instance , said the lawyer . he never told you , cried mr . hyde , with a flush of anger . i did not think you would have lied . come , said mr . utterson , that is not fitting language . the other snarled aloud into a savage laugh and the next moment , with extraordinary quickness , he had unlocked the door and disappeared into the house . the lawyer stood awhile when mr . hyde had left him , the picture of disquietude . then he began slowly to mount the street , pausing every step or two and putting his hand to his brow like a man in mental perplexity . the problem he was thus debating as he walked , was one of a class that is rarely solved . mr . hyde was pale and dwarfish , he gave an impression of deformity without any nameable malformation , he had a displeasing smile , he had borne himself to the lawyer with a sort of murderous mixture of timidity and boldness , and he spoke with a husky , whispering and somewhat broken voice all these were points against him , but not all of these together could explain the hitherto unknown disgust , loathing and fear with which mr . utterson regarded him . there must be something else , said the perplexed gentleman . there is something more , if i could find a name for it . god bless me , the man seems hardly human . something troglodytic , shall we say . or can it be the old story of dr . fell . or is it the mere radiance of a foul soul that thus transpires through , and transfigures , its clay continent . the last , i think for , o my poor old harry jekyll , if ever i read satans signature upon a face , it is on that of your new friend . round the corner from the by street, , there was a square of ancient , handsome houses , now for the most part decayed from their high estate and let in flats and chambers to all sorts and conditions of men map engravers, , architects , shady lawyers and the agents of obscure enterprises . one house , however , second from the corner , was still occupied entire and at the door of this , which wore a great air of wealth and comfort , though it was now plunged in darkness except for the fanlight , mr . utterson stopped and knocked . a well dressed, , elderly servant opened the door . is dr . jekyll at home , poole . asked the lawyer . i will see , mr . utterson , said poole , admitting the visitor , as he spoke , into a large , low roofed, , comfortable hall paved with flags , warmed by a bright , open fire , and furnished with costly cabinets of oak . will you wait here by the fire , sir . or shall i give you a light in the dining room . here , thank you , said the lawyer , and he drew near and leaned on the tall fender . this hall , in which he was now left alone , was a pet fancy of his friend the doctors and utterson himself was wont to speak of it as the pleasantest room in london . but tonight there was a shudder in his blood the face of hyde sat heavy on his memory he felt what was rare with him a nausea and distaste of life and in the gloom of his spirits , he seemed to read a menace in the flickering of the firelight on the polished cabinets and the uneasy starting of the shadow on the roof . he was ashamed of his relief , when poole presently returned to announce that dr . jekyll was gone out . i saw mr . hyde go in by the old dissecting room , poole , he said . is that right , when dr . jekyll is from home . quite right , mr . utterson , sir , replied the servant . mr . hyde has a key . your master seems to repose a great deal of trust in that young man , poole , resumed the other musingly . yes , sir , he does indeed , said poole . we have all orders to obey him . i do not think i ever met mr . hyde . asked utterson . o , dear no , sir . he never dines here , replied the butler . indeed we see very little of him on this side of the house he mostly comes and goes by the laboratory . well , good night, , poole . good night, , mr . utterson . and the lawyer set out homeward with a very heavy heart . poor harry jekyll , he thought , my mind misgives me he is in deep waters . he was wild when he was young a long while ago to be sure but in the law of god , there is no statute of limitations . ay , it must be that the ghost of some old sin , the cancer of some concealed disgrace punishment coming , pede claudo , years after memory has forgotten and self love condoned the fault . and the lawyer , scared by the thought , brooded awhile on his own past , groping in all the corners of memory , least by chance some jack in of an old iniquity should leap to light there . his past was fairly blameless few men could read the rolls of their life with less apprehension yet he was humbled to the dust by the many ill things he had done , and raised up again into a sober and fearful gratitude by the many he had come so near to doing yet avoided . and then by a return on his former subject , he conceived a spark of hope . this master hyde , if he were studied , thought he , must have secrets of his own black secrets , by the look of him secrets compared to which poor jekylls worst would be like sunshine . things cannot continue as they are . it turns me cold to think of this creature stealing like a thief to harrys bedside poor harry , what a wakening . and the danger of it for if this hyde suspects the existence of the will , he may grow impatient to inherit . ay , i must put my shoulders to the wheelif jekyll will but let me , he added , if jekyll will only let me . for once more he saw before his minds eye , as clear as transparency , the strange clauses of the will . dr . jekyll was quite at ease a fortnight later , by excellent good fortune , the doctor gave one of his pleasant dinners to some five or six old cronies , all intelligent , reputable men and all judges of good wine and mr . utterson so contrived that he remained behind after the others had departed . this was no new arrangement , but a thing that had befallen many scores of times . where utterson was liked , he was liked well . hosts loved to detain the dry lawyer , when the light hearted and loose tongued had already their foot on the threshold they liked to sit a while in his unobtrusive company , practising for solitude , sobering their minds in the mans rich silence after the expense and strain of gaiety . to this rule , dr . jekyll was no exception and as he now sat on the opposite side of the firea large , well made, , smooth faced man of fifty , with something of a stylish cast perhaps , but every mark of capacity and kindnessyou could see by his looks that he cherished for mr . utterson a sincere and warm affection . i have been wanting to speak to you , jekyll , began the latter . you know that will of yours . a close observer might have gathered that the topic was distasteful but the doctor carried it off gaily . my poor utterson , said he , you are unfortunate in such a client . i never saw a man so distressed as you were by my will unless it were that hide bound pedant , lanyon , at what he called my scientific heresies . o , i know hes a good fellowyou neednt frownan excellent fellow , and i always mean to see more of him but a hide bound pedant for all that an ignorant , blatant pedant . i was never more disappointed in any man than lanyon . you know i never approved of it , pursued utterson , ruthlessly disregarding the fresh topic . my will . yes , certainly , i know that , said the doctor , a trifle sharply . you have told me so . well , i tell you so again , continued the lawyer . i have been learning something of young hyde . the large handsome face of dr . jekyll grew pale to the very lips , and there came a blackness about his eyes . i do not care to hear more , said he . this is a matter i thought we had agreed to drop . what i heard was abominable , said utterson . it can make no change . you do not understand my position , returned the doctor , with a certain incoherency of manner . i am painfully situated , utterson my position is a very strangea very strange one . it is one of those affairs that cannot be mended by talking . jekyll , said utterson , you know me i am a man to be trusted . make a clean breast of this in confidence and i make no doubt i can get you out of it . my good utterson , said the doctor , this is very good of you , this is downright good of you , and i cannot find words to thank you in . i believe you fully i would trust you before any man alive , ay , before myself , if i could make the choice but indeed it isnt what you fancy it is not as bad as that and just to put your good heart at rest , i will tell you one thing the moment i choose , i can be rid of mr . hyde . i give you my hand upon that and i thank you again and again and i will just add one little word , utterson , that im sure youll take in good part this is a private matter , and i beg of you to let it sleep . utterson reflected a little , looking in the fire . i have no doubt you are perfectly right , he said at last , getting to his feet . well , but since we have touched upon this business , and for the last time i hope , continued the doctor , there is one point i should like you to understand . i have really a very great interest in poor hyde . i know you have seen him he told me so and i fear he was rude . but i do sincerely take a great , a very great interest in that young man and if i am taken away , utterson , i wish you to promise me that you will bear with him and get his rights for him . i think you would , if you knew all and it would be a weight off my mind if you would promise . i cant pretend that i shall ever like him , said the lawyer . i dont ask that , pleaded jekyll , laying his hand upon the others arm i only ask for justice i only ask you to help him for my sake , when i am no longer here . utterson heaved an irrepressible sigh . well , said he , i promise . the carew murder case nearly a year later , in the month of october , london was startled by a crime of singular ferocity and rendered all the more notable by the high position of the victim . the details were few and startling . a maid servant living alone in a house not far from the river , had gone upstairs to bed about eleven . although a fog rolled over the city in the small hours , the early part of the night was cloudless , and the lane , which the maids window overlooked , was brilliantly lit by the full moon . it seems she was romantically given , for she sat down upon her box , which stood immediately under the window , and fell into a dream of musing . never she used to say , with streaming tears , when she narrated that experience , never had she felt more at peace with all men or thought more kindly of the world . and as she so sat she became aware of an aged beautiful gentleman with white hair , drawing near along the lane and advancing to meet him , another and very small gentleman , to whom at first she paid less attention . when they had come within speech the older man bowed and accosted the other with a very pretty manner of politeness . it did not seem as if the subject of his address were of great importance indeed , from his pointing , it sometimes appeared as if he were only inquiring his way but the moon shone on his face as he spoke , and the girl was pleased to watch it , seemed to breathe such an innocent and old world kindness of disposition , yet with something high too , as of a well founded self content . presently her eye wandered to the other , and she was surprised to recognise in him a certain mr . hyde , who had once visited her master and for whom she had conceived a dislike . he had in his hand a heavy cane , with which he was trifling but he answered never a word , and seemed to listen with an ill contained impatience . and then all of a sudden he broke out in a great flame of anger , stamping with his foot , brandishing the cane , and carrying on like a madman . the old gentleman took a step back , with the air of one very much surprised and a trifle hurt and at that mr . hyde broke out of all bounds and clubbed him to the earth . and next moment , with ape like fury , he was trampling his victim under foot and hailing down a storm of blows , under which the bones were audibly shattered and the body jumped upon the roadway . at the horror of these sights and sounds , the maid fainted . it was two oclock when she came to herself and called for the police . the murderer was gone long ago but there lay his victim in the middle of the lane , incredibly mangled . the stick with which the deed had been done , although it was of some rare and very tough and heavy wood , had broken in the middle under the stress of this insensate cruelty and one splintered half had rolled in the neighbouring gutterthe other , without doubt , had been carried away by the murderer . a purse and gold watch were found upon the victim but no cards or papers , except a sealed and stamped envelope , which he had been probably carrying to the post , and which bore the name and address of mr . utterson . this was brought to the lawyer the next morning , before he was out of bed and he had no sooner seen it and been told the circumstances , than he shot out a solemn lip . i shall say nothing till i have seen the body , said he this may be very serious . have the kindness to wait while i dress . and with the same grave countenance he hurried through his breakfast and drove to the police station , whither the body had been carried . as soon as he came into the cell , he nodded . yes , said he , i recognise him . i am sorry to say that this is sir danvers carew . good god , sir , exclaimed the officer , is it possible . and the next moment his eye lighted up with professional ambition . this will make a deal of noise , he said . and perhaps you can help us to the man . and he briefly narrated what the maid had seen , and showed the broken stick . mr . utterson had already quailed at the name of hyde but when the stick was laid before him , he could doubt no longer broken and battered as it was , he recognised it for one that he had himself presented many years before to henry jekyll . is this mr . hyde a person of small stature . he inquired . particularly small and particularly wicked looking, , is what the maid calls him , said the officer . mr . utterson reflected and then , raising his head , if you will come with me in my cab , he said , i think i can take you to his house . it was by this time about nine in the morning , and the first fog of the season . a great chocolate coloured pall lowered over heaven , but the wind was continually charging and routing these embattled vapours so that as the cab crawled from street to street , mr . utterson beheld a marvelous number of degrees and hues of twilight for here it would be dark like the back end of evening and there would be a glow of a rich , lurid brown , like the light of some strange conflagration and here , for a moment , the fog would be quite broken up , and a haggard shaft of daylight would glance in between the swirling wreaths . the dismal quarter of soho seen under these changing glimpses , with its muddy ways , and slatternly passengers , and its lamps , which had never been extinguished or had been kindled afresh to combat this mournful reinvasion of darkness , seemed , in the lawyers eyes , like a district of some city in a nightmare . the thoughts of his mind , besides , were of the gloomiest dye and when he glanced at the companion of his drive , he was conscious of some touch of that terror of the law and the laws officers , which may at times assail the most honest . as the cab drew up before the address indicated , the fog lifted a little and showed him a dingy street , a gin palace , a low french eating house , a shop for the retail of penny numbers and twopenny salads , many ragged children huddled in the doorways , and many women of many different nationalities passing out , key in hand , to have a morning glass and the next moment the fog settled down again upon that part , as brown as umber , and cut him off from his blackguardly surroundings . this was the home of henry jekylls favourite of a man who was heir to a quarter of a million sterling . an ivory faced and silvery haired old woman opened the door . she had an evil face , smoothed by hypocrisy but her manners were excellent . yes , she said , this was mr . hydes , but he was not at home he had been in that night very late , but he had gone away again in less than an hour there was nothing strange in that his habits were very irregular , and he was often absent for instance , it was nearly two months since she had seen him till yesterday . very well , then , we wish to see his rooms , said the lawyer and when the woman began to declare it was impossible , i had better tell you who this person is , he added . this is inspector newcomen of scotland yard . a flash of odious joy appeared upon the womans face . ah . said she , he is in trouble . what has he done . mr . utterson and the inspector exchanged glances . he dont seem a very popular character , observed the latter . and now , my good woman , just let me and this gentleman have a look about us . in the whole extent of the house , which but for the old woman remained otherwise empty , mr . hyde had only used a couple of rooms but these were furnished with luxury and good taste . a closet was filled with wine the plate was of silver , the napery elegant a good picture hung upon the walls , a gift from henry jekyll , who was much of a connoisseur and the carpets were of many plies and agreeable in colour . at this moment , however , the rooms bore every mark of having been recently and hurriedly ransacked clothes lay about the floor , with their pockets inside out lock fast drawers stood open and on the hearth there lay a pile of grey ashes , as though many papers had been burned . from these embers the inspector disinterred the butt end of a green cheque book , which had resisted the action of the fire the other half of the stick was found behind the door and as this clinched his suspicions , the officer declared himself delighted . a visit to the bank , where several thousand pounds were found to be lying to the murderers credit , completed his gratification . you may depend upon it , sir , he told mr . utterson i have him in my hand . he must have lost his head , or he never would have left the stick or , above all , burned the cheque book . why , moneys life to the man . we have nothing to do but wait for him at the bank , and get out the handbills . this last , however , was not so easy of accomplishment for mr . hyde had numbered few familiarseven the master of the servant maid had only seen him twice his family could nowhere be traced he had never been photographed and the few who could describe him differed widely , as common observers will . only on one point were they agreed and that was the haunting sense of unexpressed deformity with which the fugitive impressed his beholders . incident of the letter it was late in the afternoon , when mr . utterson found his way to dr . jekylls door , where he was at once admitted by poole , and carried down by the kitchen offices and across a yard which had once been a garden , to the building which was indifferently known as the laboratory or dissecting rooms . the doctor had bought the house from the heirs of a celebrated surgeon and his own tastes being rather chemical than anatomical , had changed the destination of the block at the bottom of the garden . it was the first time that the lawyer had been received in that part of his friends quarters and he eyed the dingy , windowless structure with curiosity , and gazed round with a distasteful sense of strangeness as he crossed the theatre , once crowded with eager students and now lying gaunt and silent , the tables laden with chemical apparatus , the floor strewn with crates and littered with packing straw , and the light falling dimly through the foggy cupola . at the further end , a flight of stairs mounted to a door covered with red baize and through this , mr . utterson was at last received into the doctors cabinet . it was a large room fitted round with glass presses , furnished , among other things , with a cheval glass and a business table , and looking out upon the court by three dusty windows barred with iron . the fire burned in the grate a lamp was set lighted on the chimney shelf , for even in the houses the fog began to lie thickly and there , close up to the warmth , sat dr . jekyll , looking deathly sick . he did not rise to meet his visitor , but held out a cold hand and bade him welcome in a changed voice . and now , said mr . utterson , as soon as poole had left them , you have heard the news . the doctor shuddered . they were crying it in the square , he said . i heard them in my dining room . one word , said the lawyer . carew was my client , but so are you , and i want to know what i am doing . you have not been mad enough to hide this fellow . utterson , i swear to god , cried the doctor , i swear to god i will never set eyes on him again . i bind my honour to you that i am done with him in this world . it is all at an end . and indeed he does not want my help you do not know him as i do he is safe , he is quite safe mark my words , he will never more be heard of . the lawyer listened gloomily he did not like his friends feverish manner . you seem pretty sure of him , said he and for your sake , i hope you may be right . if it came to a trial , your name might appear . i am quite sure of him , replied jekyll i have grounds for certainty that i cannot share with any one . but there is one thing on which you may advise me . i havei have received a letter and i am at a loss whether i should show it to the police . i should like to leave it in your hands , utterson you would judge wisely , i am sure i have so great a trust in you . you fear , i suppose , that it might lead to his detection . asked the lawyer . no , said the other . i cannot say that i care what becomes of hyde i am quite done with him . i was thinking of my own character , which this hateful business has rather exposed . utterson ruminated awhile he was surprised at his friends selfishness , and yet relieved by it . well , said he , at last , let me see the letter . the letter was written in an odd , upright hand and signed edward hyde and it signified , briefly enough , that the writers benefactor , dr . jekyll , whom he had long so unworthily repaid for a thousand generosities , need labour under no alarm for his safety , as he had means of escape on which he placed a sure dependence . the lawyer liked this letter well enough it put a better colour on the intimacy than he had looked for and he blamed himself for some of his past suspicions . have you the envelope . he asked . i burned it , replied jekyll , before i thought what i was about . but it bore no postmark . the note was handed in . shall i keep this and sleep upon it . asked utterson . i wish you to judge for me entirely , was the reply . i have lost confidence in myself . well , i shall consider , returned the lawyer . and now one word more it was hyde who dictated the terms in your will about that disappearance . the doctor seemed seized with a qualm of faintness he shut his mouth tight and nodded . i knew it , said utterson . he meant to murder you . you had a fine escape . i have had what is far more to the purpose , returned the doctor solemnly i have had a lessono god , utterson , what a lesson i have had . and he covered his face for a moment with his hands . on his way out , the lawyer stopped and had a word or two with poole . by the bye , said he , there was a letter handed in to day what was the messenger like . but poole was positive nothing had come except by post and only circulars by that , he added . this news sent off the visitor with his fears renewed . plainly the letter had come by the laboratory door possibly , indeed , it had been written in the cabinet and if that were so , it must be differently judged , and handled with the more caution . the newsboys , as he went , were crying themselves hoarse along the footways special edition . shocking murder of an m . p . that was the funeral oration of one friend and client and he could not help a certain apprehension lest the good name of another should be sucked down in the eddy of the scandal . it was , at least , a ticklish decision that he had to make and self reliant as he was by habit , he began to cherish a longing for advice . it was not to be had directly but perhaps , he thought , it might be fished for . presently after , he sat on one side of his own hearth , with mr . guest , his head clerk , upon the other , and midway between , at a nicely calculated distance from the fire , a bottle of a particular old wine that had long dwelt unsunned in the foundations of his house . the fog still slept on the wing above the drowned city , where the lamps glimmered like carbuncles and through the muffle and smother of these fallen clouds , the procession of the towns life was still rolling in through the great arteries with a sound as of a mighty wind . but the room was gay with firelight . in the bottle the acids were long ago resolved the imperial dye had softened with time , as the colour grows richer in stained windows and the glow of hot autumn afternoons on hillside vineyards , was ready to be set free and to disperse the fogs of london . insensibly the lawyer melted . there was no man from whom he kept fewer secrets than mr . guest and he was not always sure that he kept as many as he meant . guest had often been on business to the doctors he knew poole he could scarce have failed to hear of mr . hydes familiarity about the house he might draw conclusions was it not as well , then , that he should see a letter which put that mystery to right . and above all since guest , being a great student and critic of handwriting , would consider the step natural and obliging . the clerk , besides , was a man of counsel he could scarce read so strange a document without dropping a remark and by that remark mr . utterson might shape his future course . this is a sad business about sir danvers , he said . yes , sir , indeed . it has elicited a great deal of public feeling , returned guest . the man , of course , was mad . i should like to hear your views on that , replied utterson . i have a document here in his handwriting it is between ourselves , for i scarce know what to do about it is an ugly business at the best . but there it is quite in your way a murderers autograph . guests eyes brightened , and he sat down at once and studied it with passion . no sir , he said not mad but it is an odd hand . and by all accounts a very odd writer , added the lawyer . just then the servant entered with a note . is that from dr . jekyll , sir . inquired the clerk . i thought i knew the writing . anything private , mr . utterson . only an invitation to dinner . why . do you want to see it . one moment . i thank you , sir and the clerk laid the two sheets of paper alongside and sedulously compared their contents . thank you , sir , he said at last , returning both its a very interesting autograph . there was a pause , during which mr . utterson struggled with himself . why did you compare them , guest . he inquired suddenly . well , sir , returned the clerk , theres a rather singular resemblance the two hands are in many points identical only differently sloped . rather quaint , said utterson . it is , as you say , rather quaint , returned guest . i wouldnt speak of this note , you know , said the master . no , sir , said the clerk . i understand . but no sooner was mr . utterson alone that night , than he locked the note into his safe , where it reposed from that time forward . what . he thought . henry jekyll forge for a murderer . and his blood ran cold in his veins . incident of dr . lanyon time ran on thousands of pounds were offered in reward , for the death of sir danvers was resented as a public injury but mr . hyde had disappeared out of the ken of the police as though he had never existed . much of his past was unearthed , indeed , and all disreputable tales came out of the mans cruelty , at once so callous and violent of his vile life , of his strange associates , of the hatred that seemed to have surrounded his career but of his present whereabouts , not a whisper . from the time he had left the house in soho on the morning of the murder , he was simply blotted out and gradually , as time drew on , mr . utterson began to recover from the hotness of his alarm , and to grow more at quiet with himself . the death of sir danvers was , to his way of thinking , more than paid for by the disappearance of mr . hyde . now that evil influence had been withdrawn , a new life began for dr . jekyll . he came out of his seclusion , renewed relations with his friends , became once more their familiar guest and entertainer and whilst he had always been known for charities , he was now no less distinguished for religion . he was busy , he was much in the open air , he did good his face seemed to open and brighten , as if with an inward consciousness of service and for more than two months , the doctor was at peace . on the th of january utterson had dined at the doctors with a small party lanyon had been there and the face of the host had looked from one to the other as in the old days when the trio were inseparable friends . on the th , and again on the th , the door was shut against the lawyer . the doctor was confined to the house , poole said , and saw no one . on the th , he tried again , and was again refused and having now been used for the last two months to see his friend almost daily , he found this return of solitude to weigh upon his spirits . the fifth night he had in guest to dine with him and the sixth he betook himself to dr . lanyons . there at least he was not denied admittance but when he came in , he was shocked at the change which had taken place in the doctors appearance . he had his death warrant written legibly upon his face . the rosy man had grown pale his flesh had fallen away he was visibly balder and older and yet it was not so much these tokens of a swift physical decay that arrested the lawyers notice , as a look in the eye and quality of manner that seemed to testify to some deep seated terror of the mind . it was unlikely that the doctor should fear death and yet that was what utterson was tempted to suspect . yes , he thought he is a doctor , he must know his own state and that his days are counted and the knowledge is more than he can bear . and yet when utterson remarked on his ill looks , it was with an air of great firmness that lanyon declared himself a doomed man . i have had a shock , he said , and i shall never recover . it is a question of weeks . well , life has been pleasant i liked it yes , sir , i used to like it . i sometimes think if we knew all , we should be more glad to get away . jekyll is ill , too , observed utterson . have you seen him . but lanyons face changed , and he held up a trembling hand . i wish to see or hear no more of dr . jekyll , he said in a loud , unsteady voice . i am quite done with that person and i beg that you will spare me any allusion to one whom i regard as dead . tut , . said mr . utterson and then after a considerable pause , cant i do anything . he inquired . we are three very old friends , lanyon we shall not live to make others . nothing can be done , returned lanyon ask himself . he will not see me , said the lawyer . i am not surprised at that , was the reply . some day , utterson , after i am dead , you may perhaps come to learn the right and wrong of this . i cannot tell you . and in the meantime , if you can sit and talk with me of other things , for gods sake , stay and do so but if you cannot keep clear of this accursed topic , then in gods name , go , for i cannot bear it . as soon as he got home , utterson sat down and wrote to jekyll , complaining of his exclusion from the house , and asking the cause of this unhappy break with lanyon and the next day brought him a long answer , often very pathetically worded , and sometimes darkly mysterious in drift . the quarrel with lanyon was incurable . i do not blame our old friend , jekyll wrote , but i share his view that we must never meet . i mean from henceforth to lead a life of extreme seclusion you must not be surprised , nor must you doubt my friendship , if my door is often shut even to you . you must suffer me to go my own dark way . i have brought on myself a punishment and a danger that i cannot name . if i am the chief of sinners , i am the chief of sufferers also . i could not think that this earth contained a place for sufferings and terrors so unmanning and you can do but one thing , utterson , to lighten this destiny , and that is to respect my silence . utterson was amazed the dark influence of hyde had been withdrawn , the doctor had returned to his old tasks and amities a week ago , the prospect had smiled with every promise of a cheerful and an honoured age and now in a moment , friendship , and peace of mind , and the whole tenor of his life were wrecked . so great and unprepared a change pointed to madness but in view of lanyons manner and words , there must lie for it some deeper ground . a week afterwards dr . lanyon took to his bed , and in something less than a fortnight he was dead . the night after the funeral , at which he had been sadly affected , utterson locked the door of his business room , and sitting there by the light of a melancholy candle , drew out and set before him an envelope addressed by the hand and sealed with the seal of his dead friend . private for the hands of g . j . utterson alone , and in case of his predecease to be destroyed unread , so it was emphatically superscribed and the lawyer dreaded to behold the contents . i have buried one friend to day, , he thought what if this should cost me another . and then he condemned the fear as a disloyalty , and broke the seal . within there was another enclosure , likewise sealed , and marked upon the cover as not to be opened till the death or disappearance of dr . henry jekyll . utterson could not trust his eyes . yes , it was disappearance here again , as in the mad will which he had long ago restored to its author , here again were the idea of a disappearance and the name of henry jekyll bracketted . but in the will , that idea had sprung from the sinister suggestion of the man hyde it was set there with a purpose all too plain and horrible . written by the hand of lanyon , what should it mean . a great curiosity came on the trustee , to disregard the prohibition and dive at once to the bottom of these mysteries but professional honour and faith to his dead friend were stringent obligations and the packet slept in the inmost corner of his private safe . it is one thing to mortify curiosity , another to conquer it and it may be doubted if , from that day forth , utterson desired the society of his surviving friend with the same eagerness . he thought of him kindly but his thoughts were disquieted and fearful . he went to call indeed but he was perhaps relieved to be denied admittance perhaps , in his heart , he preferred to speak with poole upon the doorstep and surrounded by the air and sounds of the open city , rather than to be admitted into that house of voluntary bondage , and to sit and speak with its inscrutable recluse . poole had , indeed , no very pleasant news to communicate . the doctor , it appeared , now more than ever confined himself to the cabinet over the laboratory , where he would sometimes even sleep he was out of spirits , he had grown very silent , he did not read it seemed as if he had something on his mind . utterson became so used to the unvarying character of these reports , that he fell off little by little in the frequency of his visits . incident at the window it chanced on sunday , when mr . utterson was on his usual walk with mr . enfield , that their way lay once again through the by street and that when they came in front of the door , both stopped to gaze on it . well , said enfield , that storys at an end at least . we shall never see more of mr . hyde . i hope not , said utterson . did i ever tell you that i once saw him , and shared your feeling of repulsion . it was impossible to do the one without the other , returned enfield . and by the way , what an ass you must have thought me , not to know that this was a back way to dr . jekylls . it was partly your own fault that i found it out , even when i did . so you found it out , did you . said utterson . but if that be so , we may step into the court and take a look at the windows . to tell you the truth , i am uneasy about poor jekyll and even outside , i feel as if the presence of a friend might do him good . the court was very cool and a little damp , and full of premature twilight , although the sky , high up overhead , was still bright with sunset . the middle one of the three windows was half way open and sitting close beside it , taking the air with an infinite sadness of mien , like some disconsolate prisoner , utterson saw dr . jekyll . what . jekyll . he cried . i trust you are better . i am very low , utterson , replied the doctor drearily , very low . it will not last long , thank god . you stay too much indoors , said the lawyer . you should be out , whipping up the circulation like mr . enfield and me . this is my cousinmr . enfielddr . jekyll . come now get your hat and take a quick turn with us . you are very good , sighed the other . i should like to very much but no , it is quite impossible i dare not . but indeed , utterson , i am very glad to see you this is really a great pleasure i would ask you and mr . enfield up , but the place is really not fit . why , then , said the lawyer , good naturedly, , the best thing we can do is to stay down here and speak with you from where we are . that is just what i was about to venture to propose , returned the doctor with a smile . but the words were hardly uttered , before the smile was struck out of his face and succeeded by an expression of such abject terror and despair , as froze the very blood of the two gentlemen below . they saw it but for a glimpse for the window was instantly thrust down but that glimpse had been sufficient , and they turned and left the court without a word . in silence , too , they traversed the by street and it was not until they had come into a neighbouring thoroughfare , where even upon a sunday there were still some stirrings of life , that mr . utterson at last turned and looked at his companion . they were both pale and there was an answering horror in their eyes . god forgive us , god forgive us , said mr . utterson . but mr . enfield only nodded his head very seriously , and walked on once more in silence . the last night mr . utterson was sitting by his fireside one evening after dinner , when he was surprised to receive a visit from poole . bless me , poole , what brings you here . he cried and then taking a second look at him , what ails you . he added is the doctor ill . mr . utterson , said the man , there is something wrong . take a seat , and here is a glass of wine for you , said the lawyer . now , take your time , and tell me plainly what you want . you know the doctors ways , sir , replied poole , and how he shuts himself up . well , hes shut up again in the cabinet and i dont like it , siri wish i may die if i like it . mr . utterson , sir , im afraid . now , my good man , said the lawyer , be explicit . what are you afraid of . ive been afraid for about a week , returned poole , doggedly disregarding the question , and i can bear it no more . the mans appearance amply bore out his words his manner was altered for the worse and except for the moment when he had first announced his terror , he had not once looked the lawyer in the face . even now , he sat with the glass of wine untasted on his knee , and his eyes directed to a corner of the floor . i can bear it no more , he repeated . come , said the lawyer , i see you have some good reason , poole i see there is something seriously amiss . try to tell me what it is . i think theres been foul play , said poole , hoarsely . foul play . cried the lawyer , a good deal frightened and rather inclined to be irritated in consequence . what foul play . what does the man mean . i darent say , sir , was the answer but will you come along with me and see for yourself . mr . uttersons only answer was to rise and get his hat and greatcoat but he observed with wonder the greatness of the relief that appeared upon the butlers face , and perhaps with no less , that the wine was still untasted when he set it down to follow . it was a wild , cold , seasonable night of march , with a pale moon , lying on her back as though the wind had tilted her , and flying wrack of the most diaphanous and lawny texture . the wind made talking difficult , and flecked the blood into the face . it seemed to have swept the streets unusually bare of passengers , besides for mr . utterson thought he had never seen that part of london so deserted . he could have wished it otherwise never in his life had he been conscious of so sharp a wish to see and touch his fellow creatures for struggle as he might , there was borne in upon his mind a crushing anticipation of calamity . the square , when they got there , was full of wind and dust , and the thin trees in the garden were lashing themselves along the railing . poole , who had kept all the way a pace or two ahead , now pulled up in the middle of the pavement , and in spite of the biting weather , took off his hat and mopped his brow with a red pocket handkerchief . but for all the hurry of his coming , these were not the dews of exertion that he wiped away , but the moisture of some strangling anguish for his face was white and his voice , when he spoke , harsh and broken . well , sir , he said , here we are , and god grant there be nothing wrong . amen , poole , said the lawyer . thereupon the servant knocked in a very guarded manner the door was opened on the chain and a voice asked from within , is that you , poole . its all right , said poole . open the door . the hall , when they entered it , was brightly lighted up the fire was built high and about the hearth the whole of the servants , men and women , stood huddled together like a flock of sheep . at the sight of mr . utterson , the housemaid broke into hysterical whimpering and the cook , crying out bless god . its mr . utterson , ran forward as if to take him in her arms . what , . are you all here . said the lawyer peevishly . very irregular , very unseemly your master would be far from pleased . theyre all afraid , said poole . blank silence followed , no one protesting only the maid lifted her voice and now wept loudly . hold your tongue . poole said to her , with a ferocity of accent that testified to his own jangled nerves and indeed , when the girl had so suddenly raised the note of her lamentation , they had all started and turned towards the inner door with faces of dreadful expectation . and now , continued the butler , addressing the knife boy, , reach me a candle , and well get this through hands at once . and then he begged mr . utterson to follow him , and led the way to the back garden . now , sir , said he , you come as gently as you can . i want you to hear , and i dont want you to be heard . and see here , sir , if by any chance he was to ask you in , dont go . mr . uttersons nerves , at this unlooked for termination , gave a jerk that nearly threw him from his balance but he recollected his courage and followed the butler into the laboratory building through the surgical theatre , with its lumber of crates and bottles , to the foot of the stair . here poole motioned him to stand on one side and listen while he himself , setting down the candle and making a great and obvious call on his resolution , mounted the steps and knocked with a somewhat uncertain hand on the red baize of the cabinet door . mr . utterson , sir , asking to see you , he called and even as he did so , once more violently signed to the lawyer to give ear . a voice answered from within tell him i cannot see anyone , it said complainingly . thank you , sir , said poole , with a note of something like triumph in his voice and taking up his candle , he led mr . utterson back across the yard and into the great kitchen , where the fire was out and the beetles were leaping on the floor . sir , he said , looking mr . utterson in the eyes , was that my masters voice . it seems much changed , replied the lawyer , very pale , but giving look for look . changed . well , yes , i think so , said the butler . have i been twenty years in this mans house , to be deceived about his voice . no , sir masters made away with he was made away with eight days ago , when we heard him cry out upon the name of god and whos in there instead of him , and why it stays there , is a thing that cries to heaven , mr . utterson . this is a very strange tale , poole this is rather a wild tale my man , said mr . utterson , biting his finger . suppose it were as you suppose , supposing dr . jekyll to have beenwell , murdered what could induce the murderer to stay . that wont hold water it doesnt commend itself to reason . well , mr . utterson , you are a hard man to satisfy , but ill do it yet , said poole . all this last week him , or it , whatever it is that lives in that cabinet , has been crying night and day for some sort of medicine and cannot get it to his mind . it was sometimes his waythe masters , that isto write his orders on a sheet of paper and throw it on the stair . weve had nothing else this week back nothing but papers , and a closed door , and the very meals left there to be smuggled in when nobody was looking . well , sir , every day , ay , and twice and thrice in the same day , there have been orders and complaints , and i have been sent flying to all the wholesale chemists in town . every time i brought the stuff back , there would be another paper telling me to return it , because it was not pure , and another order to a different firm . this drug is wanted bitter bad , sir , whatever for . have you any of these papers . asked mr . utterson . poole felt in his pocket and handed out a crumpled note , which the lawyer , bending nearer to the candle , carefully examined . its contents ran thus dr . jekyll presents his compliments to messrs . maw . he assures them that their last sample is impure and quite useless for his present purpose . in the year dr . j . purchased a somewhat large quantity from messrs . m . he now begs them to search with most sedulous care , and should any of the same quality be left , forward it to him at once . expense is no consideration . the importance of this to dr . j . can hardly be exaggerated . so far the letter had run composedly enough , but here with a sudden splutter of the pen , the writers emotion had broken loose . for gods sake , he added , find me some of the old . this is a strange note , said mr . utterson and then sharply , how do you come to have it open . the man at maws was main angry , sir , and he threw it back to me like so much dirt , returned poole . this is unquestionably the doctors hand , do you know . resumed the lawyer . i thought it looked like it , said the servant rather sulkily and then , with another voice , but what matters hand of write . he said . ive seen him . seen him . repeated mr . utterson . well . thats it . said poole . it was this way . i came suddenly into the theatre from the garden . it seems he had slipped out to look for this drug or whatever it is for the cabinet door was open , and there he was at the far end of the room digging among the crates . he looked up when i came in , gave a kind of cry , and whipped upstairs into the cabinet . it was but for one minute that i saw him , but the hair stood upon my head like quills . sir , if that was my master , why had he a mask upon his face . if it was my master , why did he cry out like a rat , and run from me . i have served him long enough . and then .  .  . the man paused and passed his hand over his face . these are all very strange circumstances , said mr . utterson , but i think i begin to see daylight . your master , poole , is plainly seized with one of those maladies that both torture and deform the sufferer hence , for aught i know , the alteration of his voice hence the mask and the avoidance of his friends hence his eagerness to find this drug , by means of which the poor soul retains some hope of ultimate recoverygod grant that he be not deceived . there is my explanation it is sad enough , poole , ay , and appalling to consider but it is plain and natural , hangs well together , and delivers us from all exorbitant alarms . sir , said the butler , turning to a sort of mottled pallor , that thing was not my master , and theres the truth . my masterhere he looked round him and began to whisperis a tall , fine build of a man , and this was more of a dwarf . utterson attempted to protest . o , sir , cried poole , do you think i do not know my master after twenty years . do you think i do not know where his head comes to in the cabinet door , where i saw him every morning of my life . no , sir , that thing in the mask was never dr . jekyllgod knows what it was , but it was never dr . jekyll and it is the belief of my heart that there was murder done . poole , replied the lawyer , if you say that , it will become my duty to make certain . much as i desire to spare your masters feelings , much as i am puzzled by this note which seems to prove him to be still alive , i shall consider it my duty to break in that door . ah , mr . utterson , thats talking . cried the butler . and now comes the second question , resumed utterson who is going to do it . why , you and me , sir , was the undaunted reply . thats very well said , returned the lawyer and whatever comes of it , i shall make it my business to see you are no loser . there is an axe in the theatre , continued poole and you might take the kitchen poker for yourself . the lawyer took that rude but weighty instrument into his hand , and balanced it . do you know , poole , he said , looking up , that you and i are about to place ourselves in a position of some peril . you may say so , sir , indeed , returned the butler . it is well , then that we should be frank , said the other . we both think more than we have said let us make a clean breast . this masked figure that you saw , did you recognise it . well , sir , it went so quick , and the creature was so doubled up , that i could hardly swear to that , was the answer . but if you mean , was it mr . hyde . why , yes , i think it was . you see , it was much of the same bigness and it had the same quick , light way with it and then who else could have got in by the laboratory door . you have not forgot , sir , that at the time of the murder he had still the key with him . but thats not all . i dont know , mr . utterson , if you ever met this mr . hyde . yes , said the lawyer , i once spoke with him . then you must know as well as the rest of us that there was something queer about that gentlemansomething that gave a man a turni dont know rightly how to say it , sir , beyond this that you felt in your marrow kind of cold and thin . i own i felt something of what you describe , said mr . utterson . quite so , sir , returned poole . well , when that masked thing like a monkey jumped from among the chemicals and whipped into the cabinet , it went down my spine like ice . o , i know its not evidence , mr . utterson im book learned enough for that but a man has his feelings , and i give you my bible word it was mr . hyde . ay , said the lawyer . my fears incline to the same point . evil , i fear , foundedevil was sure to comeof that connection . ay truly , i believe you i believe poor harry is killed and i believe his murderer is still lurking in his victims room . well , let our name be vengeance . call bradshaw . the footman came at the summons , very white and nervous . pull yourself together , bradshaw , said the lawyer . this suspense , i know , is telling upon all of you but it is now our intention to make an end of it . poole , here , and i are going to force our way into the cabinet . if all is well , my shoulders are broad enough to bear the blame . meanwhile , lest anything should really be amiss , or any malefactor seek to escape by the back , you and the boy must go round the corner with a pair of good sticks and take your post at the laboratory door . we give you ten minutes to get to your stations . as bradshaw left , the lawyer looked at his watch . and now , poole , let us get to ours , he said and taking the poker under his arm , led the way into the yard . the scud had banked over the moon , and it was now quite dark . the wind , which only broke in puffs and draughts into that deep well of building , tossed the light of the candle to and fro about their steps , until they came into the shelter of the theatre , where they sat down silently to wait . london hummed solemnly all around but nearer at hand , the stillness was only broken by the sounds of a footfall moving to and fro along the cabinet floor . so it will walk all day , sir , whispered poole ay , and the better part of the night . only when a new sample comes from the chemist , theres a bit of a break . ah , its an ill conscience thats such an enemy to rest . ah , sir , theres blood foully shed in every step of it . but hark again , a little closerput your heart in your ears , mr . utterson , and tell me , is that the doctors foot . the steps fell lightly and oddly , with a certain swing , for all they went so slowly it was different indeed from the heavy creaking tread of henry jekyll . utterson sighed . is there never anything else . he asked . poole nodded . once , he said . once i heard it weeping . weeping . how that . said the lawyer , conscious of a sudden chill of horror . weeping like a woman or a lost soul , said the butler . i came away with that upon my heart , that i could have wept too . but now the ten minutes drew to an end . poole disinterred the axe from under a stack of packing straw the candle was set upon the nearest table to light them to the attack and they drew near with bated breath to where that patient foot was still going up and down , up and down , in the quiet of the night . jekyll , cried utterson , with a loud voice , i demand to see you . he paused a moment , but there came no reply . i give you fair warning , our suspicions are aroused , and i must and shall see you , he resumed if not by fair means , then by foulif not of your consent , then by brute force . utterson , said the voice , for gods sake , have mercy . ah , thats not jekylls voiceits hydes . cried utterson . down with the door , poole . poole swung the axe over his shoulder the blow shook the building , and the red baize door leaped against the lock and hinges . a dismal screech , as of mere animal terror , rang from the cabinet . up went the axe again , and again the panels crashed and the frame bounded four times the blow fell but the wood was tough and the fittings were of excellent workmanship and it was not until the fifth , that the lock burst and the wreck of the door fell inwards on the carpet . the besiegers , appalled by their own riot and the stillness that had succeeded , stood back a little and peered in . there lay the cabinet before their eyes in the quiet lamplight , a good fire glowing and chattering on the hearth , the kettle singing its thin strain , a drawer or two open , papers neatly set forth on the business table , and nearer the fire , the things laid out for tea the quietest room , you would have said , and , but for the glazed presses full of chemicals , the most commonplace that night in london . right in the middle there lay the body of a man sorely contorted and still twitching . they drew near on tiptoe , turned it on its back and beheld the face of edward hyde . he was dressed in clothes far too large for him , clothes of the doctors bigness the cords of his face still moved with a semblance of life , but life was quite gone and by the crushed phial in the hand and the strong smell of kernels that hung upon the air , utterson knew that he was looking on the body of a self destroyer . we have come too late , he said sternly , whether to save or punish . hyde is gone to his account and it only remains for us to find the body of your master . the far greater proportion of the building was occupied by the theatre , which filled almost the whole ground storey and was lighted from above , and by the cabinet , which formed an upper storey at one end and looked upon the court . a corridor joined the theatre to the door on the by street and with this the cabinet communicated separately by a second flight of stairs . there were besides a few dark closets and a spacious cellar . all these they now thoroughly examined . each closet needed but a glance , for all were empty , and all , by the dust that fell from their doors , had stood long unopened . the cellar , indeed , was filled with crazy lumber , mostly dating from the times of the surgeon who was jekylls predecessor but even as they opened the door they were advertised of the uselessness of further search , by the fall of a perfect mat of cobweb which had for years sealed up the entrance . nowhere was there any trace of henry jekyll , dead or alive . poole stamped on the flags of the corridor . he must be buried here , he said , hearkening to the sound . or he may have fled , said utterson , and he turned to examine the door in the by street . it was locked and lying near by on the flags , they found the key , already stained with rust . this does not look like use , observed the lawyer . use . echoed poole . do you not see , sir , it is broken . much as if a man had stamped on it . ay , continued utterson , and the fractures , too , are rusty . the two men looked at each other with a scare . this is beyond me , poole , said the lawyer . let us go back to the cabinet . they mounted the stair in silence , and still with an occasional awestruck glance at the dead body , proceeded more thoroughly to examine the contents of the cabinet . at one table , there were traces of chemical work , various measured heaps of some white salt being laid on glass saucers , as though for an experiment in which the unhappy man had been prevented . that is the same drug that i was always bringing him , said poole and even as he spoke , the kettle with a startling noise boiled over . this brought them to the fireside , where the easy chair was drawn cosily up , and the tea things stood ready to the sitters elbow , the very sugar in the cup . there were several books on a shelf one lay beside the tea things open , and utterson was amazed to find it a copy of a pious work , for which jekyll had several times expressed a great esteem , annotated , in his own hand with startling blasphemies . next , in the course of their review of the chamber , the searchers came to the cheval glass, , into whose depths they looked with an involuntary horror . but it was so turned as to show them nothing but the rosy glow playing on the roof , the fire sparkling in a hundred repetitions along the glazed front of the presses , and their own pale and fearful countenances stooping to look in . this glass has seen some strange things , sir , whispered poole . and surely none stranger than itself , echoed the lawyer in the same tones . for what did jekyllhe caught himself up at the word with a start , and then conquering the weaknesswhat could jekyll want with it . he said . you may say that . said poole . next they turned to the business table . on the desk , among the neat array of papers , a large envelope was uppermost , and bore , in the doctors hand , the name of mr . utterson . the lawyer unsealed it , and several enclosures fell to the floor . the first was a will , drawn in the same eccentric terms as the one which he had returned six months before , to serve as a testament in case of death and as a deed of gift in case of disappearance but in place of the name of edward hyde , the lawyer , with indescribable amazement read the name of gabriel john utterson . he looked at poole , and then back at the paper , and last of all at the dead malefactor stretched upon the carpet . my head goes round , he said . he has been all these days in possession he had no cause to like me he must have raged to see himself displaced and he has not destroyed this document . he caught up the next paper it was a brief note in the doctors hand and dated at the top . o poole . the lawyer cried , he was alive and here this day . he cannot have been disposed of in so short a space he must be still alive , he must have fled . and then , why fled . and how . and in that case , can we venture to declare this suicide . o , we must be careful . i foresee that we may yet involve your master in some dire catastrophe . why dont you read it , sir . asked poole . because i fear , replied the lawyer solemnly . god grant i have no cause for it . and with that he brought the paper to his eyes and read as follows my dear uttersonwhen , this shall fall into your hands , i shall have disappeared , under what circumstances i have not the penetration to foresee , but my instinct and all the circumstances of my nameless situation tell me that the end is sure and must be early . go then , and first read the narrative which lanyon warned me he was to place in your hands and if you care to hear more , turn to the confession of your unworthy and unhappy friend , henry jekyll . there was a third enclosure . asked utterson . here , sir , said poole , and gave into his hands a considerable packet sealed in several places . the lawyer put it in his pocket . i would say nothing of this paper . if your master has fled or is dead , we may at least save his credit . it is now ten i must go home and read these documents in quiet but i shall be back before midnight , when we shall send for the police . they went out , locking the door of the theatre behind them and utterson , once more leaving the servants gathered about the fire in the hall , trudged back to his office to read the two narratives in which this mystery was now to be explained . dr . lanyons narrative on the ninth of january , now four days ago , i received by the evening delivery a registered envelope , addressed in the hand of my colleague and old school companion , henry jekyll . i was a good deal surprised by this for we were by no means in the habit of correspondence i had seen the man , dined with him , indeed , the night before and i could imagine nothing in our intercourse that should justify formality of registration . the contents increased my wonder for this is how the letter ran th december , . dear lanyonyou , are one of my oldest friends and although we may have differed at times on scientific questions , i cannot remember , at least on my side , any break in our affection . there was never a day when , if you had said to me , jekyll , my life , my honour , my reason , depend upon you , i would not have sacrificed my left hand to help you . lanyon my life , my honour , my reason , are all at your mercy if you fail me to night, , i am lost . you might suppose , after this preface , that i am going to ask you for something dishonourable to grant . judge for yourself . i want you to postpone all other engagements for to nightay, , even if you were summoned to the bedside of an emperor to take a cab , unless your carriage should be actually at the door and with this letter in your hand for consultation , to drive straight to my house . poole , my butler , has his orders you will find him waiting your arrival with a locksmith . the door of my cabinet is then to be forced and you are to go in alone to open the glazed press on the left hand , breaking the lock if it be shut and to draw out , with all its contents as they stand , the fourth drawer from the top or which is the same thing the third from the bottom . in my extreme distress of mind , i have a morbid fear of misdirecting you but even if i am in error , you may know the right drawer by its contents some powders , a phial and a paper book . this drawer i beg of you to carry back with you to cavendish square exactly as it stands . that is the first part of the service now for the second . you should be back , if you set out at once on the receipt of this , long before midnight but i will leave you that amount of margin , not only in the fear of one of those obstacles that can neither be prevented nor foreseen , but because an hour when your servants are in bed is to be preferred for what will then remain to do . at midnight , then , i have to ask you to be alone in your consulting room , to admit with your own hand into the house a man who will present himself in my name , and to place in his hands the drawer that you will have brought with you from my cabinet . then you will have played your part and earned my gratitude completely . five minutes afterwards , if you insist upon an explanation , you will have understood that these arrangements are of capital importance and that by the neglect of one of them , fantastic as they must appear , you might have charged your conscience with my death or the shipwreck of my reason . confident as i am that you will not trifle with this appeal , my heart sinks and my hand trembles at the bare thought of such a possibility . think of me at this hour , in a strange place , labouring under a blackness of distress that no fancy can exaggerate , and yet well aware that , if you will but punctually serve me , my troubles will roll away like a story that is told . serve me , my dear lanyon and save your friend , h . j . p . s . i had already sealed this up when a fresh terror struck upon my soul . it is possible that the post office may fail me , and this letter not come into your hands until to morrow morning . in that case , dear lanyon , do my errand when it shall be most convenient for you in the course of the day and once more expect my messenger at midnight . it may then already be too late and if that night passes without event , you will know that you have seen the last of henry jekyll . upon the reading of this letter , i made sure my colleague was insane but till that was proved beyond the possibility of doubt , i felt bound to do as he requested . the less i understood of this farrago , the less i was in a position to judge of its importance and an appeal so worded could not be set aside without a grave responsibility . i rose accordingly from table , got into a hansom , and drove straight to jekylls house . the butler was awaiting my arrival he had received by the same post as mine a registered letter of instruction , and had sent at once for a locksmith and a carpenter . the tradesmen came while we were yet speaking and we moved in a body to old dr . denmans surgical theatre , from which jekylls private cabinet is most conveniently entered . the door was very strong , the lock excellent the carpenter avowed he would have great trouble and have to do much damage , if force were to be used and the locksmith was near despair . but this last was a handy fellow , and after two hours work , the door stood open . the press marked e was unlocked and i took out the drawer , had it filled up with straw and tied in a sheet , and returned with it to cavendish square . here i proceeded to examine its contents . the powders were neatly enough made up , but not with the nicety of the dispensing chemist so that it was plain they were of jekylls private manufacture and when i opened one of the wrappers i found what seemed to me a simple crystalline salt of a white colour . the phial , to which i next turned my attention , might have been about half full of a blood red liquor , which was highly pungent to the sense of smell and seemed to me to contain phosphorus and some volatile ether . at the other ingredients i could make no guess . the book was an ordinary version book and contained little but a series of dates . these covered a period of many years , but i observed that the entries ceased nearly a year ago and quite abruptly . here and there a brief remark was appended to a date , usually no more than a single word double occurring perhaps six times in a total of several hundred entries and once very early in the list and followed by several marks of exclamation , total failure .  .  . all this , though it whetted my curiosity , told me little that was definite . here were a phial of some salt , and the record of a series of experiments that had led to no end of practical usefulness . how could the presence of these articles in my house affect either the honour , the sanity , or the life of my flighty colleague . if his messenger could go to one place , why could he not go to another . and even granting some impediment , why was this gentleman to be received by me in secret . the more i reflected the more convinced i grew that i was dealing with a case of cerebral disease and though i dismissed my servants to bed , i loaded an old revolver , that i might be found in some posture of self defence . twelve oclock had scarce rung out over london , ere the knocker sounded very gently on the door . i went myself at the summons , and found a small man crouching against the pillars of the portico . are you come from dr . jekyll . i asked . he told me yes by a constrained gesture and when i had bidden him enter , he did not obey me without a searching backward glance into the darkness of the square . there was a policeman not far off , advancing with his bulls eye open and at the sight , i thought my visitor started and made greater haste . these particulars struck me , i confess , disagreeably and as i followed him into the bright light of the consulting room , i kept my hand ready on my weapon . here , at last , i had a chance of clearly seeing him . i had never set eyes on him before , so much was certain . he was small , as i have said i was struck besides with the shocking expression of his face , with his remarkable combination of great muscular activity and great apparent debility of constitution , andlast but not leastwith the odd , subjective disturbance caused by his neighbourhood . this bore some resemblance to incipient rigour , and was accompanied by a marked sinking of the pulse . at the time , i set it down to some idiosyncratic , personal distaste , and merely wondered at the acuteness of the symptoms but i have since had reason to believe the cause to lie much deeper in the nature of man , and to turn on some nobler hinge than the principle of hatred . this person who had thus , from the first moment of his entrance , struck in me what i can only describe as a disgustful curiosity was dressed in a fashion that would have made an ordinary person laughable his clothes , that is to say , although they were of rich and sober fabric , were enormously too large for him in every measurementthe trousers hanging on his legs and rolled up to keep them from the ground , the waist of the coat below his haunches , and the collar sprawling wide upon his shoulders . strange to relate , this ludicrous accoutrement was far from moving me to laughter . rather , as there was something abnormal and misbegotten in the very essence of the creature that now faced mesomething seizing , surprising and revoltingthis fresh disparity seemed but to fit in with and to reinforce it so that to my interest in the mans nature and character , there was added a curiosity as to his origin , his life , his fortune and status in the world . these observations , though they have taken so great a space to be set down in , were yet the work of a few seconds . my visitor was , indeed , on fire with sombre excitement . have you got it . he cried . have you got it . and so lively was his impatience that he even laid his hand upon my arm and sought to shake me . i put him back , conscious at his touch of a certain icy pang along my blood . come , sir , said i . you forget that i have not yet the pleasure of your acquaintance . be seated , if you please . and i showed him an example , and sat down myself in my customary seat and with as fair an imitation of my ordinary manner to a patient , as the lateness of the hour , the nature of my preoccupations , and the horror i had of my visitor , would suffer me to muster . i beg your pardon , dr . lanyon , he replied civilly enough . what you say is very well founded and my impatience has shown its heels to my politeness . i come here at the instance of your colleague , dr . henry jekyll , on a piece of business of some moment and i understood .  .  . he paused and put his hand to his throat , and i could see , in spite of his collected manner , that he was wrestling against the approaches of the hysteriai understood , a drawer .  .  . but here i took pity on my visitors suspense , and some perhaps on my own growing curiosity . there it is , sir , said i , pointing to the drawer , where it lay on the floor behind a table and still covered with the sheet . he sprang to it , and then paused , and laid his hand upon his heart i could hear his teeth grate with the convulsive action of his jaws and his face was so ghastly to see that i grew alarmed both for his life and reason . compose yourself , said i . he turned a dreadful smile to me , and as if with the decision of despair , plucked away the sheet . at sight of the contents , he uttered one loud sob of such immense relief that i sat petrified . and the next moment , in a voice that was already fairly well under control , have you a graduated glass . he asked . i rose from my place with something of an effort and gave him what he asked . he thanked me with a smiling nod , measured out a few minims of the red tincture and added one of the powders . the mixture , which was at first of a reddish hue , began , in proportion as the crystals melted , to brighten in colour , to effervesce audibly , and to throw off small fumes of vapour . suddenly and at the same moment , the ebullition ceased and the compound changed to a dark purple , which faded again more slowly to a watery green . my visitor , who had watched these metamorphoses with a keen eye , smiled , set down the glass upon the table , and then turned and looked upon me with an air of scrutiny . and now , said he , to settle what remains . will you be wise . will you be guided . will you suffer me to take this glass in my hand and to go forth from your house without further parley . or has the greed of curiosity too much command of you . think before you answer , for it shall be done as you decide . as you decide , you shall be left as you were before , and neither richer nor wiser , unless the sense of service rendered to a man in mortal distress may be counted as a kind of riches of the soul . or , if you shall so prefer to choose , a new province of knowledge and new avenues to fame and power shall be laid open to you , here , in this room , upon the instant and your sight shall be blasted by a prodigy to stagger the unbelief of satan . sir , said i , affecting a coolness that i was far from truly possessing , you speak enigmas , and you will perhaps not wonder that i hear you with no very strong impression of belief . but i have gone too far in the way of inexplicable services to pause before i see the end . it is well , replied my visitor . lanyon , you remember your vows what follows is under the seal of our profession . and now , you who have so long been bound to the most narrow and material views , you who have denied the virtue of transcendental medicine , you who have derided your superiorsbehold . he put the glass to his lips and drank at one gulp . a cry followed he reeled , staggered , clutched at the table and held on , staring with injected eyes , gasping with open mouth and as i looked there came , i thought , a changehe seemed to swellhis face became suddenly black and the features seemed to melt and alterand the next moment , i had sprung to my feet and leaped back against the wall , my arms raised to shield me from that prodigy , my mind submerged in terror . o god . i screamed , and o god . again and again for there before my eyespale and shaken , and half fainting , and groping before him with his hands , like a man restored from deaththere stood henry jekyll . what he told me in the next hour , i cannot bring my mind to set on paper . i saw what i saw , i heard what i heard , and my soul sickened at it and yet now when that sight has faded from my eyes , i ask myself if i believe it , and i cannot answer . my life is shaken to its roots sleep has left me the deadliest terror sits by me at all hours of the day and night and i feel that my days are numbered , and that i must die and yet i shall die incredulous . as for the moral turpitude that man unveiled to me , even with tears of penitence , i cannot , even in memory , dwell on it without a start of horror . i will say but one thing , utterson , and that will be more than enough . the creature who crept into my house that night was , on jekylls own confession , known by the name of hyde and hunted for in every corner of the land as the murderer of carew . hastie lanyon . henry jekylls full statement of the case i was born in the year to a large fortune , endowed besides with excellent parts , inclined by nature to industry , fond of the respect of the wise and good among my fellowmen , and thus , as might have been supposed , with every guarantee of an honourable and distinguished future . and indeed the worst of my faults was a certain impatient gaiety of disposition , such as has made the happiness of many , but such as i found it hard to reconcile with my imperious desire to carry my head high , and wear a more than commonly grave countenance before the public . hence it came about that i concealed my pleasures and that when i reached years of reflection , and began to look round me and take stock of my progress and position in the world , i stood already committed to a profound duplicity of life . many a man would have even blazoned such irregularities as i was guilty of but from the high views that i had set before me , i regarded and hid them with an almost morbid sense of shame . it was thus rather the exacting nature of my aspirations than any particular degradation in my faults , that made me what i was , and , with even a deeper trench than in the majority of men , severed in me those provinces of good and ill which divide and compound mans dual nature . in this case , i was driven to reflect deeply and inveterately on that hard law of life , which lies at the root of religion and is one of the most plentiful springs of distress . though so profound a double dealer, , i was in no sense a hypocrite both sides of me were in dead earnest i was no more myself when i laid aside restraint and plunged in shame , than when i laboured , in the eye of day , at the furtherance of knowledge or the relief of sorrow and suffering . and it chanced that the direction of my scientific studies , which led wholly towards the mystic and the transcendental , reacted and shed a strong light on this consciousness of the perennial war among my members . with every day , and from both sides of my intelligence , the moral and the intellectual , i thus drew steadily nearer to that truth , by whose partial discovery i have been doomed to such a dreadful shipwreck that man is not truly one , but truly two . i say two , because the state of my own knowledge does not pass beyond that point . others will follow , others will outstrip me on the same lines and i hazard the guess that man will be ultimately known for a mere polity of multifarious , incongruous and independent denizens . i , for my part , from the nature of my life , advanced infallibly in one direction and in one direction only . it was on the moral side , and in my own person , that i learned to recognise the thorough and primitive duality of man i saw that , of the two natures that contended in the field of my consciousness , even if i could rightly be said to be either , it was only because i was radically both and from an early date , even before the course of my scientific discoveries had begun to suggest the most naked possibility of such a miracle , i had learned to dwell with pleasure , as a beloved daydream , on the thought of the separation of these elements . if each , i told myself , could be housed in separate identities , life would be relieved of all that was unbearable the unjust might go his way , delivered from the aspirations and remorse of his more upright twin and the just could walk steadfastly and securely on his upward path , doing the good things in which he found his pleasure , and no longer exposed to disgrace and penitence by the hands of this extraneous evil . it was the curse of mankind that these incongruous faggots were thus bound togetherthat in the agonised womb of consciousness , these polar twins should be continuously struggling . how , then were they dissociated . i was so far in my reflections when , as i have said , a side light began to shine upon the subject from the laboratory table . i began to perceive more deeply than it has ever yet been stated , the trembling immateriality , the mistlike transience , of this seemingly so solid body in which we walk attired . certain agents i found to have the power to shake and pluck back that fleshly vestment , even as a wind might toss the curtains of a pavilion . for two good reasons , i will not enter deeply into this scientific branch of my confession . first , because i have been made to learn that the doom and burthen of our life is bound for ever on mans shoulders , and when the attempt is made to cast it off , it but returns upon us with more unfamiliar and more awful pressure . second , because , as my narrative will make , alas . too evident , my discoveries were incomplete . enough then , that i not only recognised my natural body from the mere aura and effulgence of certain of the powers that made up my spirit , but managed to compound a drug by which these powers should be dethroned from their supremacy , and a second form and countenance substituted , none the less natural to me because they were the expression , and bore the stamp of lower elements in my soul . i hesitated long before i put this theory to the test of practice . i knew well that i risked death for any drug that so potently controlled and shook the very fortress of identity , might , by the least scruple of an overdose or at the least inopportunity in the moment of exhibition , utterly blot out that immaterial tabernacle which i looked to it to change . but the temptation of a discovery so singular and profound at last overcame the suggestions of alarm . i had long since prepared my tincture i purchased at once , from a firm of wholesale chemists , a large quantity of a particular salt which i knew , from my experiments , to be the last ingredient required and late one accursed night , i compounded the elements , watched them boil and smoke together in the glass , and when the ebullition had subsided , with a strong glow of courage , drank off the potion . the most racking pangs succeeded a grinding in the bones , deadly nausea , and a horror of the spirit that cannot be exceeded at the hour of birth or death . then these agonies began swiftly to subside , and i came to myself as if out of a great sickness . there was something strange in my sensations , something indescribably new and , from its very novelty , incredibly sweet . i felt younger , lighter , happier in body within i was conscious of a heady recklessness , a current of disordered sensual images running like a millrace in my fancy , a solution of the bonds of obligation , an unknown but not an innocent freedom of the soul . i knew myself , at the first breath of this new life , to be more wicked , tenfold more wicked , sold a slave to my original evil and the thought , in that moment , braced and delighted me like wine . i stretched out my hands , exulting in the freshness of these sensations and in the act , i was suddenly aware that i had lost in stature . there was no mirror , at that date , in my room that which stands beside me as i write , was brought there later on and for the very purpose of these transformations . the night however , was far gone into the morningthe morning , black as it was , nearly ripe for the conception of the daythe inmates of my house were locked in the most rigorous hours of slumber and i determined , flushed as i was with hope and triumph , to venture in my new shape as far as to my bedroom . i crossed the yard , wherein the constellations looked down upon me , i could have thought , with wonder , the first creature of that sort that their unsleeping vigilance had yet disclosed to them i stole through the corridors , a stranger in my own house and coming to my room , i saw for the first time the appearance of edward hyde . i must here speak by theory alone , saying not that which i know , but that which i suppose to be most probable . the evil side of my nature , to which i had now transferred the stamping efficacy , was less robust and less developed than the good which i had just deposed . again , in the course of my life , which had been , after all , nine tenths a life of effort , virtue and control , it had been much less exercised and much less exhausted . and hence , as i think , it came about that edward hyde was so much smaller , slighter and younger than henry jekyll . even as good shone upon the countenance of the one , evil was written broadly and plainly on the face of the other . evil besides which i must still believe to be the lethal side of man had left on that body an imprint of deformity and decay . and yet when i looked upon that ugly idol in the glass , i was conscious of no repugnance , rather of a leap of welcome . this , too , was myself . it seemed natural and human . in my eyes it bore a livelier image of the spirit , it seemed more express and single , than the imperfect and divided countenance i had been hitherto accustomed to call mine . and in so far i was doubtless right . i have observed that when i wore the semblance of edward hyde , none could come near to me at first without a visible misgiving of the flesh . this , as i take it , was because all human beings , as we meet them , are commingled out of good and evil and edward hyde , alone in the ranks of mankind , was pure evil . i lingered but a moment at the mirror the second and conclusive experiment had yet to be attempted it yet remained to be seen if i had lost my identity beyond redemption and must flee before daylight from a house that was no longer mine and hurrying back to my cabinet , i once more prepared and drank the cup , once more suffered the pangs of dissolution , and came to myself once more with the character , the stature and the face of henry jekyll . that night i had come to the fatal cross roads . had i approached my discovery in a more noble spirit , had i risked the experiment while under the empire of generous or pious aspirations , all must have been otherwise , and from these agonies of death and birth , i had come forth an angel instead of a fiend . the drug had no discriminating action it was neither diabolical nor divine it but shook the doors of the prisonhouse of my disposition and like the captives of philippi , that which stood within ran forth . at that time my virtue slumbered my evil , kept awake by ambition , was alert and swift to seize the occasion and the thing that was projected was edward hyde . hence , although i had now two characters as well as two appearances , one was wholly evil , and the other was still the old henry jekyll , that incongruous compound of whose reformation and improvement i had already learned to despair . the movement was thus wholly toward the worse . even at that time , i had not conquered my aversions to the dryness of a life of study . i would still be merrily disposed at times and as my pleasures were undignified , and i was not only well known and highly considered , but growing towards the elderly man , this incoherency of my life was daily growing more unwelcome . it was on this side that my new power tempted me until i fell in slavery . i had but to drink the cup , to doff at once the body of the noted professor , and to assume , like a thick cloak , that of edward hyde . i smiled at the notion it seemed to me at the time to be humourous and i made my preparations with the most studious care . i took and furnished that house in soho , to which hyde was tracked by the police and engaged as a housekeeper a creature whom i knew well to be silent and unscrupulous . on the other side , i announced to my servants that a mr . hyde was to have full liberty and power about my house in the square and to parry mishaps , i even called and made myself a familiar object , in my second character . i next drew up that will to which you so much objected so that if anything befell me in the person of dr . jekyll , i could enter on that of edward hyde without pecuniary loss . and thus fortified , as i supposed , on every side , i began to profit by the strange immunities of my position . men have before hired bravos to transact their crimes , while their own person and reputation sat under shelter . i was the first that ever did so for his pleasures . i was the first that could plod in the public eye with a load of genial respectability , and in a moment , like a schoolboy , strip off these lendings and spring headlong into the sea of liberty . but for me , in my impenetrable mantle , the safety was complete . think of iti did not even exist . let me but escape into my laboratory door , give me but a second or two to mix and swallow the draught that i had always standing ready and whatever he had done , edward hyde would pass away like the stain of breath upon a mirror and there in his stead , quietly at home , trimming the midnight lamp in his study , a man who could afford to laugh at suspicion , would be henry jekyll . the pleasures which i made haste to seek in my disguise were , as i have said , undignified i would scarce use a harder term . but in the hands of edward hyde , they soon began to turn toward the monstrous . when i would come back from these excursions , i was often plunged into a kind of wonder at my vicarious depravity . this familiar that i called out of my own soul , and sent forth alone to do his good pleasure , was a being inherently malign and villainous his every act and thought centered on self drinking pleasure with bestial avidity from any degree of torture to another relentless like a man of stone . henry jekyll stood at times aghast before the acts of edward hyde but the situation was apart from ordinary laws , and insidiously relaxed the grasp of conscience . it was hyde , after all , and hyde alone , that was guilty . jekyll was no worse he woke again to his good qualities seemingly unimpaired he would even make haste , where it was possible , to undo the evil done by hyde . and thus his conscience slumbered . into the details of the infamy at which i thus connived for even now i can scarce grant that i committed it i have no design of entering i mean but to point out the warnings and the successive steps with which my chastisement approached . i met with one accident which , as it brought on no consequence , i shall no more than mention . an act of cruelty to a child aroused against me the anger of a passer by, , whom i recognised the other day in the person of your kinsman the doctor and the childs family joined him there were moments when i feared for my life and at last , in order to pacify their too just resentment , edward hyde had to bring them to the door , and pay them in a cheque drawn in the name of henry jekyll . but this danger was easily eliminated from the future , by opening an account at another bank in the name of edward hyde himself and when , by sloping my own hand backward , i had supplied my double with a signature , i thought i sat beyond the reach of fate . some two months before the murder of sir danvers , i had been out for one of my adventures , had returned at a late hour , and woke the next day in bed with somewhat odd sensations . it was in vain i looked about me in vain i saw the decent furniture and tall proportions of my room in the square in vain that i recognised the pattern of the bed curtains and the design of the mahogany frame something still kept insisting that i was not where i was , that i had not wakened where i seemed to be , but in the little room in soho where i was accustomed to sleep in the body of edward hyde . i smiled to myself , and in my psychological way , began lazily to inquire into the elements of this illusion , occasionally , even as i did so , dropping back into a comfortable morning doze . i was still so engaged when , in one of my more wakeful moments , my eyes fell upon my hand . now the hand of henry jekyll was professional in shape and size it was large , firm , white and comely . but the hand which i now saw , clearly enough , in the yellow light of a mid london morning , lying half shut on the bedclothes , was lean , corded , knuckly , of a dusky pallor and thickly shaded with a swart growth of hair . it was the hand of edward hyde . i must have stared upon it for near half a minute , sunk as i was in the mere stupidity of wonder , before terror woke up in my breast as sudden and startling as the crash of cymbals and bounding from my bed i rushed to the mirror . at the sight that met my eyes , my blood was changed into something exquisitely thin and icy . yes , i had gone to bed henry jekyll , i had awakened edward hyde . how was this to be explained . i asked myself and then , with another bound of terrorhow was it to be remedied . it was well on in the morning the servants were up all my drugs were in the cabineta long journey down two pairs of stairs , through the back passage , across the open court and through the anatomical theatre , from where i was then standing horror struck . it might indeed be possible to cover my face but of what use was that , when i was unable to conceal the alteration in my stature . and then with an overpowering sweetness of relief , it came back upon my mind that the servants were already used to the coming and going of my second self . i had soon dressed , as well as i was able , in clothes of my own size had soon passed through the house , where bradshaw stared and drew back at seeing mr . hyde at such an hour and in such a strange array and ten minutes later , dr . jekyll had returned to his own shape and was sitting down , with a darkened brow , to make a feint of breakfasting . small indeed was my appetite . this inexplicable incident , this reversal of my previous experience , seemed , like the babylonian finger on the wall , to be spelling out the letters of my judgment and i began to reflect more seriously than ever before on the issues and possibilities of my double existence . that part of me which i had the power of projecting , had lately been much exercised and nourished it had seemed to me of late as though the body of edward hyde had grown in stature , as though i were conscious of a more generous tide of blood and i began to spy a danger that , if this were much prolonged , the balance of my nature might be permanently overthrown , the power of voluntary change be forfeited , and the character of edward hyde become irrevocably mine . the power of the drug had not been always equally displayed . once , very early in my career , it had totally failed me since then i had been obliged on more than one occasion to double , and once , with infinite risk of death , to treble the amount and these rare uncertainties had cast hitherto the sole shadow on my contentment . now , however , and in the light of that mornings accident , i was led to remark that whereas , in the beginning , the difficulty had been to throw off the body of jekyll , it had of late gradually but decidedly transferred itself to the other side . all things therefore seemed to point to this that i was slowly losing hold of my original and better self , and becoming slowly incorporated with my second and worse . between these two , i now felt i had to choose . my two natures had memory in common , but all other faculties were most unequally shared between them . jekyll now with the most sensitive apprehensions , now with a greedy gusto , projected and shared in the pleasures and adventures of hyde but hyde was indifferent to jekyll , or but remembered him as the mountain bandit remembers the cavern in which he conceals himself from pursuit . jekyll had more than a fathers interest hyde had more than a sons indifference . to cast in my lot with jekyll , was to die to those appetites which i had long secretly indulged and had of late begun to pamper . to cast it in with hyde , was to die to a thousand interests and aspirations , and to become , at a blow and forever , despised and friendless . the bargain might appear unequal but there was still another consideration in the scales for while jekyll would suffer smartingly in the fires of abstinence , hyde would be not even conscious of all that he had lost . strange as my circumstances were , the terms of this debate are as old and commonplace as man much the same inducements and alarms cast the die for any tempted and trembling sinner and it fell out with me , as it falls with so vast a majority of my fellows , that i chose the better part and was found wanting in the strength to keep to it . yes , i preferred the elderly and discontented doctor , surrounded by friends and cherishing honest hopes and bade a resolute farewell to the liberty , the comparative youth , the light step , leaping impulses and secret pleasures , that i had enjoyed in the disguise of hyde . i made this choice perhaps with some unconscious reservation , for i neither gave up the house in soho , nor destroyed the clothes of edward hyde , which still lay ready in my cabinet . for two months , however , i was true to my determination for two months , i led a life of such severity as i had never before attained to , and enjoyed the compensations of an approving conscience . but time began at last to obliterate the freshness of my alarm the praises of conscience began to grow into a thing of course i began to be tortured with throes and longings , as of hyde struggling after freedom and at last , in an hour of moral weakness , i once again compounded and swallowed the transforming draught . i do not suppose that , when a drunkard reasons with himself upon his vice , he is once out of five hundred times affected by the dangers that he runs through his brutish , physical insensibility neither had i , long as i had considered my position , made enough allowance for the complete moral insensibility and insensate readiness to evil , which were the leading characters of edward hyde . yet it was by these that i was punished . my devil had been long caged , he came out roaring . i was conscious , even when i took the draught , of a more unbridled , a more furious propensity to ill . it must have been this , i suppose , that stirred in my soul that tempest of impatience with which i listened to the civilities of my unhappy victim i declare , at least , before god , no man morally sane could have been guilty of that crime upon so pitiful a provocation and that i struck in no more reasonable spirit than that in which a sick child may break a plaything . but i had voluntarily stripped myself of all those balancing instincts by which even the worst of us continues to walk with some degree of steadiness among temptations and in my case , to be tempted , however slightly , was to fall . instantly the spirit of hell awoke in me and raged . with a transport of glee , i mauled the unresisting body , tasting delight from every blow and it was not till weariness had begun to succeed , that i was suddenly , in the top fit of my delirium , struck through the heart by a cold thrill of terror . a mist dispersed i saw my life to be forfeit and fled from the scene of these excesses , at once glorying and trembling , my lust of evil gratified and stimulated , my love of life screwed to the topmost peg . i ran to the house in soho , and to make assurance doubly sure destroyed my papers thence i set out through the lamplit streets , in the same divided ecstasy of mind , gloating on my crime , light headedly devising others in the future , and yet still hastening and still hearkening in my wake for the steps of the avenger . hyde had a song upon his lips as he compounded the draught , and as he drank it , pledged the dead man . the pangs of transformation had not done tearing him , before henry jekyll , with streaming tears of gratitude and remorse , had fallen upon his knees and lifted his clasped hands to god . the veil of self indulgence was rent from head to foot . i saw my life as a whole i followed it up from the days of childhood , when i had walked with my fathers hand , and through the self denying toils of my professional life , to arrive again and again , with the same sense of unreality , at the damned horrors of the evening . i could have screamed aloud i sought with tears and prayers to smother down the crowd of hideous images and sounds with which my memory swarmed against me and still , between the petitions , the ugly face of my iniquity stared into my soul . as the acuteness of this remorse began to die away , it was succeeded by a sense of joy . the problem of my conduct was solved . hyde was thenceforth impossible whether i would or not , i was now confined to the better part of my existence and o , how i rejoiced to think of it . with what willing humility i embraced anew the restrictions of natural life . with what sincere renunciation i locked the door by which i had so often gone and come , and ground the key under my heel . the next day , came the news that the murder had not been overlooked , that the guilt of hyde was patent to the world , and that the victim was a man high in public estimation . it was not only a crime , it had been a tragic folly . i think i was glad to know it i think i was glad to have my better impulses thus buttressed and guarded by the terrors of the scaffold . jekyll was now my city of refuge let but hyde peep out an instant , and the hands of all men would be raised to take and slay him . i resolved in my future conduct to redeem the past and i can say with honesty that my resolve was fruitful of some good . you know yourself how earnestly , in the last months of the last year , i laboured to relieve suffering you know that much was done for others , and that the days passed quietly , almost happily for myself . nor can i truly say that i wearied of this beneficent and innocent life i think instead that i daily enjoyed it more completely but i was still cursed with my duality of purpose and as the first edge of my penitence wore off , the lower side of me , so long indulged , so recently chained down , began to growl for licence . not that i dreamed of resuscitating hyde the bare idea of that would startle me to frenzy no , it was in my own person that i was once more tempted to trifle with my conscience and it was as an ordinary secret sinner that i at last fell before the assaults of temptation . there comes an end to all things the most capacious measure is filled at last and this brief condescension to my evil finally destroyed the balance of my soul . and yet i was not alarmed the fall seemed natural , like a return to the old days before i had made my discovery . it was a fine , clear , january day , wet under foot where the frost had melted , but cloudless overhead and the regents park was full of winter chirrupings and sweet with spring odours . i sat in the sun on a bench the animal within me licking the chops of memory the spiritual side a little drowsed , promising subsequent penitence , but not yet moved to begin . after all , i reflected , i was like my neighbours and then i smiled , comparing myself with other men , comparing my active good will with the lazy cruelty of their neglect . and at the very moment of that vainglorious thought , a qualm came over me , a horrid nausea and the most deadly shuddering . these passed away , and left me faint and then as in its turn faintness subsided , i began to be aware of a change in the temper of my thoughts , a greater boldness , a contempt of danger , a solution of the bonds of obligation . i looked down my clothes hung formlessly on my shrunken limbs the hand that lay on my knee was corded and hairy . i was once more edward hyde . a moment before i had been safe of all mens respect , wealthy , belovedthe cloth laying for me in the dining room at home and now i was the common quarry of mankind , hunted , houseless , a known murderer , thrall to the gallows . my reason wavered , but it did not fail me utterly . i have more than once observed that in my second character , my faculties seemed sharpened to a point and my spirits more tensely elastic thus it came about that , where jekyll perhaps might have succumbed , hyde rose to the importance of the moment . my drugs were in one of the presses of my cabinet how was i to reach them . that was the problem that crushing my temples in my hands i set myself to solve . the laboratory door i had closed . if i sought to enter by the house , my own servants would consign me to the gallows . i saw i must employ another hand , and thought of lanyon . how was he to be reached . how persuaded . supposing that i escaped capture in the streets , how was i to make my way into his presence . and how should i , an unknown and displeasing visitor , prevail on the famous physician to rifle the study of his colleague , dr . jekyll . then i remembered that of my original character , one part remained to me i could write my own hand and once i had conceived that kindling spark , the way that i must follow became lighted up from end to end . thereupon , i arranged my clothes as best i could , and summoning a passing hansom , drove to an hotel in portland street , the name of which i chanced to remember . at my appearance which was indeed comical enough , however tragic a fate these garments covered the driver could not conceal his mirth . i gnashed my teeth upon him with a gust of devilish fury and the smile withered from his facehappily for himyet more happily for myself , for in another instant i had certainly dragged him from his perch . at the inn , as i entered , i looked about me with so black a countenance as made the attendants tremble not a look did they exchange in my presence but obsequiously took my orders , led me to a private room , and brought me wherewithal to write . hyde in danger of his life was a creature new to me shaken with inordinate anger , strung to the pitch of murder , lusting to inflict pain . yet the creature was astute mastered his fury with a great effort of the will composed his two important letters , one to lanyon and one to poole and that he might receive actual evidence of their being posted , sent them out with directions that they should be registered . thenceforward , he sat all day over the fire in the private room , gnawing his nails there he dined , sitting alone with his fears , the waiter visibly quailing before his eye and thence , when the night was fully come , he set forth in the corner of a closed cab , and was driven to and fro about the streets of the city . he , i sayi cannot say , i . that child of hell had nothing human nothing lived in him but fear and hatred . and when at last , thinking the driver had begun to grow suspicious , he discharged the cab and ventured on foot , attired in his misfitting clothes , an object marked out for observation , into the midst of the nocturnal passengers , these two base passions raged within him like a tempest . he walked fast , hunted by his fears , chattering to himself , skulking through the less frequented thoroughfares , counting the minutes that still divided him from midnight . once a woman spoke to him , offering , i think , a box of lights . he smote her in the face , and she fled . when i came to myself at lanyons , the horror of my old friend perhaps affected me somewhat i do not know it was at least but a drop in the sea to the abhorrence with which i looked back upon these hours . a change had come over me . it was no longer the fear of the gallows , it was the horror of being hyde that racked me . i received lanyons condemnation partly in a dream it was partly in a dream that i came home to my own house and got into bed . i slept after the prostration of the day , with a stringent and profound slumber which not even the nightmares that wrung me could avail to break . i awoke in the morning shaken , weakened , but refreshed . i still hated and feared the thought of the brute that slept within me , and i had not of course forgotten the appalling dangers of the day before but i was once more at home , in my own house and close to my drugs and gratitude for my escape shone so strong in my soul that it almost rivalled the brightness of hope . i was stepping leisurely across the court after breakfast , drinking the chill of the air with pleasure , when i was seized again with those indescribable sensations that heralded the change and i had but the time to gain the shelter of my cabinet , before i was once again raging and freezing with the passions of hyde . it took on this occasion a double dose to recall me to myself and alas . six hours after , as i sat looking sadly in the fire , the pangs returned , and the drug had to be re administered . in short , from that day forth it seemed only by a great effort as of gymnastics , and only under the immediate stimulation of the drug , that i was able to wear the countenance of jekyll . at all hours of the day and night , i would be taken with the premonitory shudder above all , if i slept , or even dozed for a moment in my chair , it was always as hyde that i awakened . under the strain of this continually impending doom and by the sleeplessness to which i now condemned myself , ay , even beyond what i had thought possible to man , i became , in my own person , a creature eaten up and emptied by fever , languidly weak both in body and mind , and solely occupied by one thought the horror of my other self . but when i slept , or when the virtue of the medicine wore off , i would leap almost without transition into the possession of a fancy brimming with images of terror , a soul boiling with causeless hatreds , and a body that seemed not strong enough to contain the raging energies of life . the powers of hyde seemed to have grown with the sickliness of jekyll . and certainly the hate that now divided them was equal on each side . with jekyll , it was a thing of vital instinct . he had now seen the full deformity of that creature that shared with him some of the phenomena of consciousness , and was co heir with him to death and beyond these links of community , which in themselves made the most poignant part of his distress , he thought of hyde , for all his energy of life , as of something not only hellish but inorganic . this was the shocking thing that the slime of the pit seemed to utter cries and voices that the amorphous dust gesticulated and sinned that what was dead , and had no shape , should usurp the offices of life . and this again , that insurgent horror was knit to him closer than a wife , closer than an eye lay caged in his flesh , where he heard it mutter and felt it struggle to be born and at every hour of weakness , and in the confidence of slumber , prevailed against him , and deposed him out of life . the hatred of hyde for jekyll was of a different order . his terror of the gallows drove him continually to commit temporary suicide , and return to his subordinate station of a part instead of a person but he loathed the necessity , he loathed the despondency into which jekyll was now fallen , and he resented the dislike with which he was himself regarded . hence the ape like tricks that he would play me , scrawling in my own hand blasphemies on the pages of my books , burning the letters and destroying the portrait of my father and indeed , had it not been for his fear of death , he would long ago have ruined himself in order to involve me in the ruin . but his love of me is wonderful i go further i , who sicken and freeze at the mere thought of him , when i recall the abjection and passion of this attachment , and when i know how he fears my power to cut him off by suicide , i find it in my heart to pity him .  . 