Initiate ocular scan mode.
Illuminate and recalibrate.
Gah! Unthinkable! The horror! This is the first year my earnings are lower than the year before.
I'm sorry, sir.
These days, enlightened people like solar, and the consciously evil prefer fracking.
[SPUTTERS] Wh-Why, if this continues, in 150 years I'll be out on the street.
Sir, sir, sir, I'm sure there's some sort of inessential line item - that no one will miss.
- Mm-hmm.
Effective immediately: children's health care will be cut from workers' benefits.
[BOOING] This meeting is over.
God bless the United States of America and release the hounds.
[BARKING] Oh, I got three kids, and they've all got health.
I am so cursed.
That's what you get for having a family.
[CHUCKLES] I'm gonna die like I lived: nice and lonely.
[CHUCKLES] Sweet.
Maybe we can get the kids government health care.
Oh, sorry, Marge, that's gone, remember? Because of those corporate tax cuts we all wanted? I didn't want them.
[LAUGHS]: You say so now, but I remember you back then.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: "Ooh, corporate tax cuts.
Makers not takers.
" Oh, every time Ann Coulter has a cold, you think she's me.
I'm sorry, honey.
We'll just have to cut back on the kids' meds.
Back in my day, children didn't need no meds! You just gave 'em a slug of whiskey and sent 'em off to school.
And if they lost their snowshoe, you'd beat 'em with the other one! That's how we raised the generation that lost Vietnam.
Bart, your old attention deficit disorder medicine isn't covered by insurance anymore, so we'll have to use a cheaper drug that's just as good.
So goodbye, Focusyn.
Hello, Chillaxodol.
Mm.
Mom, I was just on hypochondria.
edu, and I think you should see something.
Are you giving your precious child the generic ADD medication Chillaxodol? Yes.
Why? Your child may experience unwanted side effects, including headaches painful spasms [BABBLING] dry mouth [GASPS] Ah.
- and whiskers - Mm! musical flatulence [FARTING RHYTHMICALLY] involuntary Memphis juking sudden relocation MARGE: Hmm? Mm.
and a symptom that can only be described as "dolphining.
" [SQUEAKING] [GASPS] If you or a loved one is experiencing any of these side effects, you would do well to remember that life is heartless and brutal, and the cosmos is indifferent to us all.
I'd say goodbye, but what's the point? [HORN HONKS] - [TIRES SCREECH] - [THUD] Without insurance, we'll just have to go to [SIGHS] Dr.
Nick.
Sorry, everybody.
Remember, if at any time you become a dog, then I can medicine you.
No hope.
There's no hope here.
Hmm.
"The healing magic of crystals.
" [SIGHS] Well, I've tried everything else.
Shalom, kind queen.
I mean the "hello" shalom, but also the "peace" one.
How can I soothe you? Wow.
That was a lot just now.
But yet it's only a snippet of the cosmic conversation.
Look, my son is having bad side effects from his ADD meds.
His father wants him to join football for a nice, calming concussion.
I have just the thing for you.
Crystals? Healing crystals.
I am pretty desperate.
Crystals are a timeless database of energy, knowledge and sparkling.
Scientists are finally waking up to what pyramids have known all along.
[LIKE DRACULA]: I vant to suck your money.
Uh, maybe I could just buy a couple rocks and go.
Oh, they're more than rocks.
They make great stocking stuffers.
And for Hanukkah? Uh, useless.
[SCRAPING NEARBY] MARGE: Hey.
Bart, it's time for your ADD treatment.
Aah aah, aah, aah.
Hmm, maybe he's a little overtrained.
It's not a pill.
Ooh, a suppository.
Fill 'er up.
It's not a drug.
I want you to try these.
Hmm [EXPLOSION] I believe.
[HUMMING A TUNE] "A" paper by Lisa.
"A" paper by Lisa.
"A" paper by Bart.
An "A"? Oh, my gosh, Bart! Could it really be the crystals? Yes, definitely the crystals.
You really got an "A"? No white-out.
The answers are actually correct.
Maybe he really did the work.
Or maybe he cheated, and I have to find out how.
Whoa! Someone could use a chill-out crystal.
It's made by your boyfriend, Lis, the Earth! Lisa has a boyfriend? And this is how I find out? I don't know which of you two is dumber.
So I'm a bit of a mystery, huh? Huh? [SCHOOL BELL RINGING] Marge, I heard Bart got an "A.
" - How'd you do it? - Can you keep a secret? Unless it's about a person, yes.
It was crystals.
Crystals, huh? I could use some of those for Kirk.
I want to seed the bed with them, so he doesn't crawl over to me.
No worries.
I'll pick up more on my way home.
Oh, no, what happened? I'm closing the store.
A cot finally opened up in this cult I've been trying to get into.
Congratulations, I guess.
Can I still buy crystals? Just take 'em.
In fact, you can have my entire inventory.
Thank you.
Now, enter my chariot to Heaven.
Are you sure about this? Of course! I'm ascending to a higher level of being.
Now, sisters, let us Sharpie in the whites of our eyes.
[SHARPIES SQUEAKING] MARGE: Oh, wow.
"Before passing on to a new owner, "crystals should be cleared of their old energy with a combination of water and sulfur.
" Which is just what comes out of our tap! The crystals got Kirk a new job.
With a uniform! That's right, I'm a batboy.
[CHUCKLES] Nelson got an "A" on his test! This is going right up on the refrigerator in the front yard.
Marge, we need more crystals.
MARGE: I'm not even 100% sure these things work.
Should I really be selling them? You know, these just might make me stop drinking.
I guess I should.
I'm gonna grind 'em up and snort 'em.
Marge, another "A" in my class for Bart.
I'm so impressed that a boy with Bart's jiggly-wigglies could be cured by this pagan hogwash.
You can't argue with facts.
Oh, dear, we're running low on obsidian.
Almost out of moon potion.
And there's no more brain powder.
I can sell you brain powder in bulk.
Here's whose brain the powder is from.
It's a cow, but a very smart one.
Hmm.
What else do you sell? Oh, massage stones, copper bracelets, dream catchers, dream catcher filter replacements.
This old one is full of dreams.
I don't see anything in it.
Don't you see it? Your dream of being a massive success? You see it? Right there.
See it? - Mm-mmm.
- Right there.
See it? I think I am starting to see it.
Are you sure? Do you really? I see it! Yeah, okay, bring it down.
Less Oprah, more Chopra.
I see it.
I guess I could expand my product line.
Then I can really start making my own money, not be dependent on Homer.
Did I hear "not dependent on Homer"? Boom.
Retired.
You should still go in to work.
I don't think I even remember how to get there.
You were just there today.
[ELDERLY VOICE]: Feels like that, doesn't it? [MARGE GRUMBLES] Here at MURMUR, we have everything a holistic mother might need.
Cactus milk.
Wicker birthing chairs.
Fairy traps.
Tibetan singing bowls.
[PLAYING DISSONANT MELODY] [SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER HOWLS] Are these macaroons free-range? Yes.
Only made from coconuts that fall from the tree or are gently coaxed by woke monkeys.
I'm sorry, Marge, I'm gonna have to shut you down.
You don't have a retail business license.
Well, Chief, do I really need a license to sell that hemp body lotion Sarah likes so much? And which is free to you? Ooh, I like it, too! But I'm gonna need more than that.
Hmm.
Mm hmm.
Mm.
[CHUCKLES] HOMER: Oh, Marge! [WHOOPS] I've only done this before with Monopoly money and salami! Where'd it go? It's all right here, baby.
We made $1,000 today.
What's that without the cost of goods? $998.
[GASPS] I love you.
[MOANS] Ain't it beautiful Ooh, ooh Crystal blue persuasion Better get ready Gonna see the light Love, love is the answer Ooh, ooh And that's all right So don't you give up now Ooh, ooh So easy to find Just look to your soul Look to your soul And open your mind - Meep - [GROWLS] Crystal blue persuasion [SLURPS] So, those crystals must really be uncloggin' your noggin, huh? Yep.
They're making math problems like 60 + 63 as easy as 1-2-3.
Mm.
And what is 60 + 63? - Oh.
Um - It's 1-2-3! BART: Ay, caramba! I'll figure out your scam.
Sorry, Lis, I can't hear you over the bowl.
[SUSTAINED NOTE] You won't get away with it! I will stop you! Because this is not [GRUNTS] Oh, oh.
Singing bowl, you are so peaceful.
[CASH REGISTER DINGS] Luann bought $60 worth of organic blackberries today.
I hope she enjoys both of them.
I need this for shopping.
And this for a rainy day.
Do I hear thunder? Namaste.
We're closed.
What part of "namaste" don't you understand? I'm gonna need you to can it, Marge.
My name is Piper Paisley.
Do I know you? I have a healing beauty relaxorium in Shelbyville.
Perhaps you've heard of PLOP.
Well, it's wonderful to meet a fellow entrepreneuse.
Is it? If I wasn't Botoxed as hell, I'd be frowning at you right now.
[SNAPS] [GASPS] East? That's a solstice stone, not an equinox stone.
Just nama-stay out of my business.
Marge, honey, you've got to be careful.
She means business.
Oh, look what it says.
This means war.
Marge, don't say that! I got into this business because of the kids, but now I like it.
You know what? I'm going to open up a kiosk in the Shelbyville Mall.
On her turf! Ugh! You don't belong there! What happened to that hoverboard guy? Marge made me a better offer! You know you can't do this, right build a competing kiosk in the same escalator dump-out zone? [CHUCKLES]: I mean, you can't.
There's no more law and order in malls.
[WHIMPERS] Aah! You've been living in my kiosk? If you call that living.
Well, well, Bart, another "A.
" [CHUCKLES] Looks like I brought my average up to a "D.
" [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [CHUCKLES] [MYSTERIOUS JAZZ PLAYING] [GRUNTS] Now to test my theory.
Aha! What the hell are you doing? I know what you did, Bart Simpson.
It's crystal clear.
You hid the Gettysburg Address in a poster right by your desk, which you could read when Milhouse distracted Flanders.
[SNIFFING] [GROANING] [FLANDERS GASPS] [MYSTERIOUS JAZZ BEGINS PLAYING] Pure coincidence.
I put all the times tables in Newton's wig.
And look what I hid in the apple.
Ew! You know, it would have been far easier just to study and get an "A.
" Yeah, but what's the point of that? I'm telling Dad.
Not today.
I got my book club.
A Confederacy of Dunces.
Ooh, is that the book? No, that's who's coming: Lenny, Carl, Barney, Moe.
The book we read was, uh, The Girl with the Dragon Something.
- I didn't get through the title.
- Yeah, me neither.
It was just as boring as Tinker Tailor Something Something.
Well, cancel the book club, 'cause Bart has something he has to tell Mom.
Why? You don't realize how bad this is, do you? You betrayed the one person who still believes in you.
The dog believes in me.
Ruh-ruh.
Don't you get it? Who's the person that's always there when you need it? ["I'LL ALWAYS LOVE MY MAMA" BY THE INTRUDERS PLAYING] I'll always love my mama She's my favorite girl - I'll always love my mama - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Oh, my God.
She's shown me nothing but love.
How do I make this guilt go away? Tell her the truth.
No, that's not it.
Keep pitching.
No, that is it! Oh, fine! Now, looky here.
I learned Swedish to read this here book, and we are gonna discuss it.
Nordic noir is known for its plain language and absence of metaphors.
Dig deeper.
[STAMMERS] The novel reflects, implicitly and explicitly, gaps between rhetoric and practice in Swedish policy.
[PANTING] That'll do nicely.
Who wants cake? I said, who wants cake? Our day of kiosk combat begins.
My sisters abuse Piper's free sample policy.
Mmm.
I smell like the smoking area of a nice resort.
Schmear me like a bagel.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Now, phase two.
The one force no kiosk can withstand: a confused old person.
Somewhere in me is a yoni egg.
I think it might be hatching.
Uh, they don't hatch.
Can you take that chance? Mom, I'm sorry.
I wasn't getting As because of the crystals.
I lied.
This crystal don't work! Nelson got detention, and I got demoted from stripper to topless valet.
Kirk crawled over these and made his way to me.
Three times.
[SIGHS] One last thing to do.
That's not the egg I was thinking of.
Keep looking.
Stop, stop.
Piper, stop.
You win.
I don't belong in this mall with all these legitimate businesses.
[CACKLES] I win! [CHUCKLES] I win.
Me.
I'm sorry, I'm just I'm very competitive.
Have you tried rose quartz? Let me ask you something.
Do I look like an idiot? [CHUCKLES] Ooh, I love your handbag.
Well, thank you.
No prob, babe.
I win.
[ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING] Marge, honey, I'm glad you're home.
I've been thinking.
I want to be more than just Mr.
Mrs.
Homer Simpson.
I want to get a job.
You have a job.
I know.
Raising the kids and looking fabulous.
But I thought it would be nice to have somewhere to go every day.
You work at the power plant.
They call every morning and say, "Where are you?" So you're not mad? Oh, I love you! Mwah! Thank you for understanding.
[CHUCKLING]: Oh [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS] Excuse me.
I have a friend I think is here.
Um, I just wanted to make sure she's okay.
Marge.
Good to see you.
But, really, not necessary.
Because everything here is Run! Run! - [RAPID GUNFIRE] - What's happening here?! I thought you were just getting massages! Those were good.
But the other stuff is [SHUDDERS] Blow up the bridge.
[EXPLOSION]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  Woo-Hoo Dunnit
The Simpsons s30e22 Episode Script
Woo-Hoo Dunnit
1 Let go, let go.
[ALARM BEEPING] [GURGLING] [PINGS] This is Dateline: Springfield.
From a distance, the Simpsons were the perfect family.
Homer and Marge were high school sweethearts.
She saved me from a dateless prom.
He saved me from a life with my sisters.
Those two are monsters.
Cut to them, you'll see.
What are you filming us for? NARRATOR: Marge and Homer raised their three kids in an atmosphere of love, laughter and crushing economic anxiety.
The only thing they needed was each other.
When I first met the Simpsons, in 1947, they were building affordable homes in Pennsylvania.
Little Maggie was going to be the next Lindbergh baby.
But John Foster Dulles had other ideas.
Don't interview Grampa.
He almost made Ken Burns quit the business.
[LAUGHS] That pompous old fool was more boring than baseball.
NARRATOR: Little did the Simpsons suspect that their American dream was about to be flipped upside down by the spatula of crime.
Home to a nuclear power plant and an active volcano, Springfield seemed like the safest place in the world.
But that tranquility was about to be shattered, in a mysterious crime that would tear the Simpson family apart.
Tear us apart? Nothing can tear us apart.
Tear us apart.
- Mom, stop saying "tear us apart.
" - It's tearing us apart! Who wants mac and cheese? NARRATOR: Our conscienceless reenactment begins as Marge and Lisa return home from a trip to the market.
MARGE: Whatever we didn't spend, I'd donate to Lisa's secret college fund.
LISA: We hid it in the last place the men in this family would look.
MARGE: [CHUCKLES] A jar of cleanser.
What happened next was one of those life?changing moments that always seem to happen under the sink.
NARRATOR: The entire college fund, $670.
42, was gone.
And just like that, Lisa's dream of going to college for three weeks, without a food plan, was over.
For any parent of young children, the thing you dread most is losing a can full of money.
911 OPERATOR: 911 dispatch.
State the nature of your emergency.
LISA: There's been a robbery! LISA: Send help! 742 Evergreen Terrace.
911 OPERATOR: It wouldn't hurt you to say "please.
" LISA: It's an emergency! You don't have to say "please.
" 911 OPERATOR: Sounds like what's been stolen are your manners.
LISA: Please! 911 OPERATOR: Help is on the way.
You're welcome.
LISA: Can I get your name, please? And your supervisor? LISA: If I may? 911 OPERATOR: Help is no longer on the way.
[FAKE DIAL TONE] LISA: Jerk.
Uh, Chief, you found something? Zero evidence of Pringles, so [SIGHS] So we were back at square one.
It was not your typical break?in.
No sign of forced entry.
I mean, the dog didn't even bark.
Somebody knew exactly where to rub him.
The tummy.
[MOANS] NARRATOR: A police reenactment confirmed the chief's theory.
[MOANS]: Oh, oh, God, that's great.
Oh, there's no way I'm barking.
Oh, Lou, you got to teach my wife to do this.
NARRATOR: With zero evidence of a break?in, police suspicion turned to the family.
This just didn't pass what cops call "the smell test.
" I've watched a lot of cop shows in my day.
I consider myself something of an amateur policeman.
[CHUCKLES] Let me just stop this documentary, or "doc," here and now! We are good people.
We do not steal.
That's borrowing.
Borrowing.
Borr?ow?ing.
NARRATOR: And so this nuclear family began to explode, as suspicion focused on one man.
Oh, what about the important clue the police missed? Somebody set a drink down here without a coaster.
That had to be a stranger.
This is an expensive table, and my family knows I don't want it stained.
D'oh NARRATOR: Springfield detectives made a desperate plea to the public for help.
? They didn't have to wait long.
? [PHONE BEEPS] MILHOUSE [OVER PHONE]: Nelson came to school today with a salon?quality haircut.
His family doesn't even have money for milk.
He eats cereal with rain water.
? [PHONE BEEPS] - Mr.
Teeny stole the money, like he steals all my scenes.
I swear it on my very bone.
Sincerely, anonymous caller.
But just as you're about to give up after two calls, ? you hit pay dirt.
? [PHONE BEEPS] HELEN [OVER PHONE]: I would like to accuse Marge Simpson of stealing that money to feed her gambling habit.
She told my husband, the minister, that she was an addict.
In confidence, but, you know.
[CHUCKLES] NARRATOR: Marge Simpson.
This suburban mother with Olive Oyl good looks had kicked her gambling habit years ago.
Or had she? MARGE: I admit it.
I couldn't resist the temptation.
But then I did.
NARRATOR: Marge walked out of the casino and off the suspect list.
Shockingly, the mystery would not be solved in the first five minutes of the show.
With Marge's name cleared, the police moved to the next suspect on their list, Homer Simpson.
Homer's bar tab was spiraling out of control.
Five, six hundred bucks.
That night, Moe cut him off.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] I'm sorry Yeah, our theory was that Homer came home wasted, he fell, he shimmied and he found the money under the sink there, and he figured he'd just use it to pay his tab.
Well it's indisputable that Homer visited the kitchen before going to bed.
You see, we found spaghetti sauce splatter consistent with a very violent late?night snack.
This is, ah, this is not a flayvin situation.
Although, I still am compelled to say flayvin.
LOU: Sauce on the walls, the ceiling, under Homer's fingernails.
That pasta fought hard for its life.
What that man did to those leftovers I'm sorry, I?I can't continue.
NARRATOR: But if the kitchen had been a tomato?soaked abattoir that night, why had no one noticed in the morning? Hmm.
LOU: He cleaned up the kitchen after stuffing all the money into his pocket, so we just had to get those pants.
Fortunately, a simple sting did the trick.
[HOMER HUMMING] Ooh, Super Bowl in July! [CHUCKLES] No money in these pants.
All we find is candy?coated peanuts, popcorn and a prize.
Now, that's some Cracker Jack detective work.
[LAUGHS] Get it? Cracker Jack? [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Yeah.
But as for evidence, we, uh, we got nothing.
With Homer still the prime suspect, and the investigation stalled, Deadline: Springfield was in dire straits.
The show desperately needed a cliffhanger commercial break.
What if the real criminal mastermind was billionaire Montgomery Burns? Why would I steal $600? That's nothing to me.
This is what rich is.
Smithers, bring me some more money.
Need more convincing? No.
We'll be right back.
NARRATOR: Police returned to their first theory: could Homer Simpson have done it? Oh, definitely.
Hey, you're gonna distort my voice for this, right? 'Cause I don't want no one knowing that this is Moe Szyslak here.
Oh, and cut the name, too, yeah? NARRATOR: As Moe Szyslak said, Homer was definitely a suspect.
It was pretty clear, Chief liked Homer Simpson for this case.
Well, geez, Lou, I wouldn't say that I liked?liked him.
I just, uh why, did he say something about me? I mean you thought he was a person of interest.
Shut up.
I can find someone interesting without being interest?ed in them.
Shut up.
Yeah, but then new evidence came in that apparently cleared Homer.
Phone records showed a six?hour call from Homer's phone to a third party on the night of the crime.
The DNA revealed that it was a butt dial.
Yeah, and not just to someone on his speed dial list.
Uh?uh.
His dexterous cheeks dialed all ten digits.
[PHONE BEEPING] DISCO STU [OVER PHONE]: Disco Stu is unavailable for you.
At the beep, you know what to do.
When police played back Homer's message, it revealed a horrifying truth.
Homer didn't scrub the spaghetti sauce off that kitchen with cleanser.
The sick bastard licked those walls clean.
[HOMER MUMBLING, MOANING] He had a little help.
[BARKING] [YOWLS] [GRUNTING] My first thought was to delete the message, sure, but then I started grooving to that slurping safari.
I hadn't heard any other music than disco in so long.
Sometimes, a persona can just it becomes a trap, you know? I knew it couldn't be Homer.
Every Simpson is innocent.
NARRATOR: Until proven guilty.
No.
Just innocent.
What are you doing? Stop panning across the family.
They didn't do it.
Finally.
I've been expecting you.
[LAUGHS] Like any normal healthy boy, Bart has been the focus of numerous police investigations.
But a mother knows when her son is innocent.
And when she's kidding herself, and when she's turning a blind eye.
This time he's innocent.
Just ask his friends.
? State your name for the record.
? Bart Simpson took the money.
I admit I knew about the money under the sink, but whatever I borrowed, I always put back.
Also, $600? What would a ten?year?old boy do with that much money? Slime.
Bart was buying slime.
I've never seen such a cooperative witness.
I brought extra batteries for your tape recorder, too.
NARRATOR: Slime.
The gooey, harmless plaything wildly popular with kids today.
I'd seen all the fads: yo?yos, pogs, Pokémon, crunking, the short stories of John Cheever.
But this beat them all.
On a clear day Rise and look around you And you will see who [GRUNTS] You are My plan was, if I owned all the slime, I'd set the price, except that's when the bottom fell out.
[SCREAMING] Lucky for me, there was one gullible schlub who didn't realize the craze was over.
I sold my entire stash to him.
I have not agreed to be in your documentary.
Please go.
BART: So I put the money back I had borrowed from under the sink, and I filmed it because I knew no one would believe me.
NARRATOR: So that's everyone in the Simpson family, except for Lisa, of course.
It couldn't be her, right? Nah.
Well, let's look at the Oh, for God's sake.
I asked Lisa where she was when the money was stolen and she said, "Chillin'.
You know, maxin' and relaxin'.
" Now these are the words of a very cool person, but Lisa Simpson is not even a little cool.
So [CHUCKLES] huh.
MARGE: Oh, come on.
No one, I repeat no one, would believe Lisa could do it.
But she's also a girl who wants a new saxophone.
I'm just saying.
I've been Lisa's supplier for years.
Reeds, wipes, valve grease.
Would she commit a crime over a new sax? [CHUCKLES] Did Dave Brubeck compose in 9/8 time? He did.
We'll count it out together.
[HUMMING "BLUE RONDO ? LA TURK" BY DAVE BRUBECK] Go ahead, give it a spin.
[PLAYING "NIGHT LIGHTS" BY GERRY MULLIGAN] Oh, it's the best bari sax on the market, a Smoothphone Jazzhonker in black nickel.
[CHUCKLES] But I wouldn't steal for it.
NARRATOR: When we come back, Lisa did it.
? No, I didn't.
? Lisa, it's your bedtime.
I got to go.
My mom's reading me Harry Potter book four.
NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, the one where Cedric Diggory dies? ? You suck.
? NARRATOR: You did it! No, you did it, jerk.
Okay, okay.
Time's up.
[GRUNTS] The reed's mine.
NARRATOR: You can't spell greed without reed.
Check it out.
Why did we agree to do this documentary? Because all our biggest stars today come from true crime documentaries: The Jinx, Making a Murderer, and Matt Lauer on the Today Show.
NARRATOR: It turns out Lisa did not buy the new saxophone.
Someone else did.
I've always wanted to play bari sax, but my father insisted on tenor.
In you go.
? What do you think of this? ? You're still a disappointment.
[SHOUTS] NARRATOR: But if Lisa was innocent, why was she so reluctant to explain her whereabouts at the time of the crime? Shut up about my Lisa! I can tell you where she was.
? She was ? Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup! Mom! Mom! No! Err! Apparently, some of the girls at school were Let's just say I stole the money, okay? End of documentary.
See you at the Independent Spirit Awards.
I took her to her hopscotch tutor.
LISA: I was hanging on by a thread, and now the whole world will joke about how I am the only girl who ever needed a hopscotch tutor.
Lisa, just repeat after me.
One foot, two foot, one foot, one foot, two foot, one foot, two foot, one foot So stupid.
Who invented this game? The Scotch invented hopscotch and Scotch tape! ? What about scotch whiskey? ? Never heard of it.
See, I told you, all innocent.
So maybe now you vultures can leave us be.
NARRATOR: We've taken up enough of your time.
Let's go, guys.
What are you doing? My family's in the clear.
I want you to apologize to my wife! NARRATOR: Apologize? [CHUCKLES] Us? Oh, you will, and you know why? I am the last person that watches network television, including the commercials.
[GRUNTS] I apologize.
MARGE: Now promise that this scene will not be removed in editing.
I can't promise that, only the editor can.
? I got him.
? I'm gonna report you to the American Cinema Editors.
- It's just an honorary society.
- You take that back! Whew.
What a relief.
So who did do it? It was obviously Bart.
It's always Bart.
Hey, nothing is my fault 'cause Dad raised me so rotten.
Well, nothing is my fault 'cause my dad raised me so rotten.
Don't blame me.
It was a race out the door and your mother won.
? Oh, yeah? ? It was Bart! ? [OVERLAPPING ARGUING] - To show how irresponsible you are! Shut up, all you innocent people.
I wish I was never responsible for you.
Stop it, stop it! You're tearing this family apart.
And stop calling the sofa a love seat! I barely like it! NARRATOR: The great Simpson Robbery remains unsolved.
Justice may never be served, but at the end of the day, what matters is that we enjoyed watching bad things happen to human beings who aren't us.
Ah! Help, Mother.
[RALPH HUMMING] [LISA GROANS] WIGGUM: You try not to dwell on your innumerable failures.
Instead, you stare out to sea and try to look like you're thinking deep thoughts.
Just like this.
Yeah.
You got what you need? 'Cause I got an itch, I got to scratch it.
Now let's celebrate.
We got through a documentary looking better than before it started.
Nobody's done that since André the Giant.
Homer Simpson, you'll leave a ring.
Ta?da! A snap?on coaster.
Nifty, huh? What the? Where'd you get this thing? I invented it.
How many of these things did you have made? A thousand.
I wanted to start a business.
A thousand, huh? That must've been expensive.
That's what I thought, but it was only 65 cents apiece.
So 650 bucks total? When did you get so good at your timeses? [GASPS] It was you, but the whole time you denied it.
It was always you! - [SOBBING] I?I can explain.
- No! No explanation.
Kids, get in here! For once in this marriage, you did the wrong thing.
I am going to savor this.
I am gonna wait until I do something wrong, and then Okay, we're even.
Well, let me just explain why.
Every day, you go out to your friends, to Moe's.
Life to you is an adventure.
And I had an idea, an idea for something that might make me somebody.
But I admit it, I was gambling, on myself.
[SOBBING]: I understand, honey.
I completely understand.
[BOTH SOBBING] ? What's going on? ? Well, Lisa, ? I'm afraid I have to say ? Lisa, I just want you to know your mother's about to say that the money was eaten by rats.
? But ? How did rats get inside the can? Uh Grampa left it open.
Oh, why do they blame everything around here on me? ? [MICROWAVE DINGS] ? Oh, good, the cat's done.
Marge, I'd like to take a walk with the greatest woman ever.
Oh.
From that moment on, Homer and I had never been closer.
HOMER: We shared a dark secret.
It was so sexy.
[BOTH MOANING] Marge, I have a secret, too.
[WHISPERS]: I'm losing my hair.
"The Great Simpson Robbery remains unsol" W?Wait, what do you mean unsolved? [STAMMERS] What the hell is this? My public expects me to solve the mystery, Bob.
It's not like we can just change the format of the show.
You just read the copy.
Our viewers want one thing, it's simple: solve the freakin' crime, be told who did it.
[HOARSELY]: And I am the soothing voice, ? the reassuring voice that Ah! ? [POP] [QUIETLY]: Did you hear that? Oh, my God, I snapped my right vocal cord that's the dulcet one.
Quick! Prep him for cord transplant.
We don't have a human donor.
All we have is the vocal cord of a sheep.
And I'm [BLEATING]: ba?a?ack.
He has an unbelievable work ethic for a voice?over actor.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  D'oh Canada
The Simpsons s30e21 Episode Script
D'oh Canada
1 [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BURPS] [WHISTLE BLOWS] [YELLS] [BEEPS] [PLAYING UPBEAT HARP MUSIC] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] [1950S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING] [1960S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING] [1970S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING] Oh! [1980S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING] [SCREAMING] [ALL EXHALE] BOTH: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? - [HOMER GROANING] - Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? You're here, you're just in a long line.
- Thank you.
- We appreciate it.
- [PHONE CHIMES] - [GASPS] Points.
- [BABY LAUGHS] - Follow me.
- Where? - Points.
Points, points, excuse me, points.
- Coming through, points.
- My visor! No, Dad.
No.
We've been in line for an hour.
Hmm, you have a point.
- [GASPS] Points! - [SHOUTS] [TIRES SCREECH] Will you please explain where you're taking us, and don't just say "points.
" Okay.
Over a lifetime of credit card debt, and paying for credit card debt with worse credit card debt, this family has two million hotel rewards loyalty points, which we can only use at the nearest Second Best Western Motel.
Oh, Dad, the points expire at midnight.
No worries.
If I average 80 miles an hour for 14 straight hours, - we'll make it.
- I love you, Homer.
- Step on it, Dad! - [PHONE VIBRATING] And I'll field this call from Grampa.
[FALSETTO VOICE]: Connection failed.
GRAMPA [OVER PHONE]: But my liver! So where exactly are we going? Niagara Falls.
- Eh.
- Meh.
Paid for by points.
[CHANTING]: Points! Points! Points! I spy a closed-down Toys "R" Us.
[GROANS] I spy a bankrupt Sears and Roebuck.
- D'oh! - I don't know about this game.
I find it a little [GASPS] Circuit City overrun by wild dogs.
[BARKING, GROWLING] BART AND HOMER: Booyah! How can you booyah this country's decline? Cheer up, honey.
We're headed to the one place that can never decline, because it was never that great: Upstate New York.
Start watching Fox News Stop watching your weight There is no fancy part of it Upstate New York They're fond of their booze Hot wing sauce is great I'm gonna clog my heart in it Upstate New York I want to sleep in, in a city That never wakes And find I'm fitting right in One of the gang Par for the course The Kodak plant closed But I'm longing to stay And go on disability In Upstate New York Can't make it anywhere But I can make it there I love you so Upstate New York.
Benedict Arnold fought here, baby.
[BIRDS CHIRPING] You want a quarter for the binoculars? I guess.
Those tourist binoculars are never that strong.
[COIN CLATTERS] LISA: Now, that's worth a quarter.
BART: So magnificent.
Hey, Lis, want to bounce? Not till I've soaked in the full majesty of the falls.
And done.
Take that, blue boy.
Eat rubber, red head.
[GRUNTS] I can't believe the kids are already bored with the view.
Mmm.
While the kids are bouncing around, why don't we do a little bouncing, too? [LAUGHS] That's even more romantic than what you said at Fort Dix.
[BOTH MOANING] [BOTH GRUNTING] - Whoa! - [LAUGHS] Let's see, the angle of rebound equals the angle of incidence.
[GASPS] Ooh, I forgot to account for surface irregularities.
[GASPS] Okay, time to take a sick day.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh God! Ooh, a rainbow.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! [GRUNTS] [POPS LOUDLY] [GROANS] Where am I? Oh handsome, horsey.
Am I in heaven? Even better, eh? You're in beautiful Canada is what I'd say if Canadians weren't too modest to brag.
But we are.
Oh I have a young girl who may I repeat, may need medical attention, eh? - I repeat: eh.
- [SIRENS WAILING] [SIGHS] Ms.
Simpson, you're a very lucky lady.
Oh, sweetie, thank God, thank God.
[GRUNTING] Your daughter's fine, but I recommend a five-day stay.
Of course, of course.
We'll take out a third mortgage.
Sir, you're in Canada now, where your health care is free.
Free health care.
Why can't America do that? She's delirious, Doc.
America can't pay for health care and give corporations the tax breaks they so desperately need.
I'm not delirious.
In fact, I've never felt more protected.
Not like back home.
Ooh, hang on.
Did you just say you don't feel safe in your home country? Why should she feel safe? In America, the great El Barto roams the streets.
So, let me get this straight: you're afraid of America.
Is that right, young lady? - Well, there's voter suppression - Shh.
and utter disregard for the environment Shh.
- a president who's such a son of a - Shh.
Oh, save that language for the lower 48.
No, I'm telling you.
Our president really is a god - Shush.
- We know.
[MOANS] Lisa, as you're clearly a victim of political persecution who fears for her life, I must keep you in Canada where you'll be safe and assigned your own hockey team.
Please not Ottawa, please not Ottawa.
Yeah, I'm, I'm so sorry.
[GASPS] You can't keep my daughter.
She's the heart and soul of this family.
- Hey.
What am I? - You're the spleen.
We don't know what it does and we don't care.
My hands are tied, ma'am.
She's in the asylum pipeline now.
You can't separate us from our child.
That's America's thing.
Well, then you leave us no choice.
We have to deport you, Canadian-style.
Great.
Come on.
Bring it in, bring it in.
Lisa, are they taking care of you? Are you eating okay? [CANADIAN ACCENT]: Look, I'm fine, eh.
We're losing her.
Mom, I'm okay.
They put me in a nice foster home with Gord and Francette here.
Enough with the accent.
[REGULAR ACCENT]: Okay.
Lisa, where should we go for dinner tonight? Harvey's or Swiss Chalet? How about Mr.
Submarine? [GASPS] Or Earls? Don't forget Humpty's.
Mmm, restaurant chains I never heard of.
[MOANS] Homer, you take Bart back to Springfield.
I am going for my daughter.
Local smarty-pants Lisa Simpson has been abducted by America's Ned Flanders to the north, Canada.
Here in Springfield, reactions to Lisa's loss have been loud and uninformed.
Lisa was the moral center of this town.
Now it's Barney, who knows nothing.
Except it is the purpose of government to see that not only the legitimate interests of the few are protected, but that the rights of the many are conserved.
- Shut your gibber-hole.
[GRUNTS] - Ow! Ugh! She was the only one in this band worth a tinker's damn.
- [ALL GROANING] - Oh, come on.
You know you all stink.
We've been working on the same song for 30 years.
[GASPS] Can you fall in love with a country? The science textbooks acknowledge climate change.
Class, let's give an enthusiastic but quiet hello to Lisa Simpson.
STUDENTS: Hello.
As an American, I'd like to apologize for something our president said about your wonderfully progressive prime minister.
Is there any way I can send a note? Or maybe I could - Right this way.
- Oh.
Hmm! - Mr.
Trudeau? - Yes, Lisa? Oh.
I am really, really sorry about what our president called you.
I don't think about it, I've moved on.
Weak.
He called me weak.
Absolutely.
Let me ask you.
Does this look weak? Seriously? Wow, that is impressive.
Uh, watch your tie.
So, listen, if I could just ask you one question about the SNC-Lavalin scandal? [SUSPENSEFUL ESPIONAGE MUSIC PLAYING] MRS.
SCARBOROUGH: Now, Lisa, we'll be doing a class play based on a great Canadian novel.
The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz by Mordecai Richler? Maybe next year, Oliver.
It's never Duddy.
No, we're doing a child-friendly version of The Handmaid's Tale.
Ooh, I'd like to try out for Offred.
[SOUNDS OF AWE] Oh, so you're asking directly for something you want.
Well, that's not very Canadian, but I like it.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] I've never been happier.
[GIGGLES] Polite applause, children.
[WEAKLY]: Yay.
No.
[GROANS] [GRUNTS] [DELIGHTED GASP] Hi, Mrs.
Simpson.
I have to get my daughter back.
Can I hide in the trunk? Okay, but don't tell anyone we're going up for beer.
MARGE AND DRIVERS: We all know.
[FEEBLE GROAN] D'oh.
What's this blue stuff, eh? Oh, um, it's called a car tail.
Stupid new American fad.
Oh, we'll get it in six months.
Move along.
SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN: Good-bye! Where is she? Mom.
- [GASPS] Oh, sweetie.
- [GRUNTING] Mmm, this is the best hug we've ever had.
Yes, it's wonderful.
Please don't make me leave.
Your home is with us, not them.
You must have known I wasn't happy in Springfield.
All I did was play the blues.
Are you sure you didn't play the blues because slow tempos are easier? Maybe a little.
But this country is better.
Their Fox News is just news about foxes.
Listen, you little traitor.
I'm your mother.
And you live where I live.
You're coming home with me.
I'm really gonna miss this place.
If it makes you feel any better, Canada exploits its environment, too.
- Wha? - This country does it all.
Tar sands, strip-mining, Mountie-mocking, geese-goosing, French fry-gravying.
Okay, but I'm sure you treat all peoples equally.
- Except the Québécois.
- And the Newfies.
KIDS: Stupid Newfies.
I'm a Newfie.
Whee.
I guess that does make me feel a little better.
Thank you.
Where the wind blows cold And there's ice and snow Some days go on forever But I'm warm and fed In a Newfoundlander's bed I'll be an islander forever I'll be an islander Forever.
MARGE: Sir, we'd appreciate it if you gave us safe passage back to America.
Sorry, but as it now says on the Statue of Liberty, "No re-entry without hand stamp.
" - Where do you get the hand stamp? - There isn't one.
Our top story tonight: Estranged Brew.
Marge Simpson and her daughter have now been banned from the United States, just like asbestos.
And this just in: asbestos is back into America's hospitals and schools.
Let me just say this asbestos will be reinstalled with the greatest of care.
[COUGHS] Oh, Homie, I don't know how we're gonna get back.
Hmm how soon can you grow a mustache? That won't work.
Your call.
Hmm, at least it looks like you're getting along okay without us.
You know, since Lisa and I are stuck here, maybe you should move up here with us.
Great idea, great idea.
What the heck? Bring Bart.
No way.
I can't move to Canada.
I revere this country.
Really? The last vote you cast was for Quisp.
And I won.
Maybe we could find a way to sneak out.
I snuck in.
You do what you want; I'm not leaving.
Okay.
You win, Lisa.
Looks like we're gonna be here together.
But there's one thing I need you to do.
Take one last look at the country you left behind and focus on anything good about it.
You're right.
America's like a great boyfriend that maybe got a little fat and lost a little hair.
What does that have to do with anything? Just go.
Good-bye, USA.
I feel like we did the best we could.
And we can still be friends.
Okay, now I'm gonna focus on the good things that you've got.
["BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" PLAYING] [TRUMPETS] Abe Lincoln Dumbo Aretha Franklin, Eleanor Roosevelt, Seabiscuit, the computer that won on Jeopardy! WATSON: What is "We miss you, Lisa"? [GASPS] Judy Blume.
Oh, I own all your books.
I know, I read my royalty reports.
Having awkward new feelings for your country it's normal, Lisa.
[WHISPERING]: And you're one of my favorite readers.
Welcome home, Lisa.
Well, I haven't decided yet.
Hello, Lisa.
- Louis Armstrong.
- Yeah.
And I'm mighty tired of having to keep appearing in your fantasies.
Get your ass back over here.
Yes, sir, Satchmo.
America ain't perfect, but it's my job to make it better.
See you soon.
[LAUGHS] What are you going over there for? It's legal now.
- WATSON: What is "Pass the Dutch"? - [SEABISCUIT NEIGHS] [DUMBO TRUMPETS] Psst, Mom.
Psst.
I want to go home.
Oh, finally.
We're out of this hellhole.
Who made my bed? Least I could do.
[FRENCH ACCENT]: We will get you across the river.
Nous allons vous faire traverser la rivière.
God, it wastes so must time saying everything twice.
I feel so relieved to have finally made up my mind.
[SCRAPING, CRACKING] Ooh.
We must ditch our excess cargo.
- You two.
- [MARGE AND LISA GASP] You're abandoning us in the middle of a frozen river? Wow, Canadians really can be jerks.
Yes, for every Martin Short, there is no shortage of Shatners.
[EVIL FRENCH LAUGHTER] Hope you wash up on a shore you like! [EVIL FRENCH LAUGHTER FADING] [CAR HORN HONKS] - Homie! - Dad! Guess who's here to save the day.
Why did you get a truck so big? It's the smallest one Detroit makes.
[ICE RUMBLING] How will we get in? I know one place where there's always plenty of room.
["AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" PLAYING] I missed you, Krusty Burger where there's only one thing I can eat.
I missed you, pony I had for a week.
I missed you, snarky comic book seller.
Thanks for nothing.
I missed you, nuclear ash that looks like snow.
I missed you, mixed martial arts megachurch.
I missed you, Ralph.
You were gone? [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Now can we do Duddy Kravitz? No, we're gonna watch an episode - of The Beachcombers.
- Oh For my show and tell, I brought something from my trip to Canada.
[HORSE WHINNIES] What did you do this week, sir? Well, a Japanese tourist took pictures of me, I fed my horse an apple, and I found a very interesting man hiding in Medicine Hat.
- Papa.
- Hey, Nelson, good news.
You've got a brother in Fort McMurray.
- What's his name? - How would I know? ["O, CANADA" PLAYING]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say D'oh
The Simpsons s30e20 Episode Script
I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say D'oh
1 [LAUGHS] [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BURPS] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] [1960S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING] HOMER: My Three Kids.
WILLIE: Everyone, out of my kitchen! Brandine, do I come off as a yokel or a hayseed? Well, you are versatile, darlin'.
You can play anyone in the trailer trash spectrum.
A-yeah, I'm a regular Benedict Cabbage-Patch.
[CHUCKLES] RALPH: Meow! Community thespians, today we return to turn-of-the-century Oklahoma.
Farm boys are farming.
Cowboys are cowing.
And, Carl, do you think your character Ike Skidmore is bringing his cell phone to the box social in 1906? I see him as a forward-thinking guy, a tech first adopter.
You know how I see him? Not played by you! Lenny, get yourself out of that horse's patoot.
You're Ike Skidmore.
Yee-haw! A speaking part! This is gonna be tan-fastic.
Geez, don't make it into a song and dance.
I've got spurs that jingle, jangle, jing [EXCLAIMS] My spur's stuck in my eye! Carl, you're back in.
Well, only with Lenny's blessing.
- You don't have it.
- I'm doing it anyway.
Okay, Marge, this is your big song number.
You're Ado Annie, the girl who cain't say no.
Now, do you have any qualms about playing this part? - No.
- Wrong, wrong! You cain't say no.
Now, where's my handsome Curly? Right here.
Now, this I can work with.
HOMER: Okay, Maggie, what shall we do while Mommy rehearses? The dog track is closed.
You can come visit me! I didn't hear that.
Hmm, what shall we do? Why is this place so popular? Do they serve booze? Is it a baby fight club? Is there a big-screen TV? Do they serve booze? Are there free doughnuts? Meet Batman? [GASPS] Do they serve booze? [BABY TALK]: We're going to find out.
Why in the hell is Daddy and Me class packed? You'll understand everything when Chloe comes out.
Quiet, quiet, she's coming.
I borrowed my granddaughter just for this.
I said I was taking her to feed the ducks.
[SCOFFS] Like I have bread money.
- Hi, dads.
- [DADS GREET] Who's ready to do the wiggle worm dance? I vant to viggle like the vorm, ja.
A wiggle worm giggles And a wiggle worm waggles Let's all wiggle like the wiggle worm does.
Oh, I get it, she's sexy.
[GROWLS] Maggie! How long have you been here? Why does this line say "Curt" when I'm talking to Curly? No, you see, "curt" is in parentheses.
It tells you how to say the line.
Obviously lying yeah, no, I knew that.
Impressed noise.
You really know your stuff.
Okay, actors, in the words of William Shakespeare, find your "X" and shut up.
Geez, all right, easy.
All I ask is that you give me the performance I have pictured in my head but have not communicated to you.
Our curtain opens on sun-drenched fields of undulating golden corn.
O Stop, stop, stop! This set is terrible.
That corn isn't as high as an elephant's eye.
Oh, you wanted the corn to be high.
I have never seen such incompetence and idiocy in a theater.
You have made me hate you all.
Excuse my salty language in front of Aunt Eller, but why don't you just take a hike? [GASPS] Oh.
Get lost.
Losing temper, we don't want you here.
Turns to cast, I saved the play.
Marge, surely you want me to stay.
Actually, no.
For the last time, that's the one word you cain't say.
This is mine.
I brought it from home.
Now what do we do? I learned-a to speak like-a the Oklahoma for this? Con-a sarn it.
[GRUNTING] Everyone, stop, just stop.
Chief, no more gunplay.
But I wanna.
[INDISTINCT YELLING] Just listen to me! What if I directed the play? Hey, that's a good idea.
I mean, she directs Homer and the kids out of the house every morning.
And I direct traffic.
That's a stupid analogy.
I think Marge makes us all feel good about ourselves.
[SIGHS]: Mmm.
Yelling in unison.
ALL: Marge! Marge! Marge! Yay! Wait a minute, if this is a real gun, where's the prop? [GASPS] Poor Lou.
All right, you asked for it.
Uh, wh-wh-who wants Oklahoma! tickets? Front row.
I can get you three together.
[GROANS] This is a really complicated show.
So much gingham.
We need a show that we can actually pull off in Springfield.
Small cast, simple sets, and some hip-hop, but not real hip-hop.
Great, but I got to be someplace, so, real quick, the best kind of original show is one that rips off a big hit.
What's the biggest hit? Hellzapoppin'! No, Hamilton by Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Oh, the guy from In the Heights.
Now, how did I know that? I'm back! All right, who's our Alexander Hamilton? That would be me.
Thanks to this furnace filter, you won't be saying "burr" anymore.
No, our most famous historical figure [GASPS] Jebediah Springfield! I'll write a musical biography, warts and all.
I can't see how that could fail.
Now I'm in a hurry Maggie and I have a Daddy and Me class.
Aren't you forgetting something? Keys, wallet, I don't think so.
[CHUCKLING]: Oh, sure.
I'm happy to take Maggie.
You sure like that class.
Oh, uh, some dads just love to be with their little girls.
- Can I go? - Sorry, no.
"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
" Oh Poor little eggy, leaking your goo.
The Red Queen's not looking, I'll kiss your boo-boo.
Humpty J.
Dumpty, are you eating yourself? Maybe.
[MARGE GROANS] Excuse me, excuse me, pal.
Take care of your kid.
I-I'm so sorry.
I was just Yeah, I know what you were just.
LISA: Let's see killed a bear, founded a town, died of a beaver bite.
Lis, you're gonna love it.
I came up with the perfect opening.
- Okay - [CLEARS THROAT] Lisa is so stupid, so very, very stupid So dumb and stupid and smelly, too She has a real bad temper, a bad, bad temper And she's smelly, too! You're just motivating me.
I need to finish this.
[WHIMPERS] Ah, my muse.
MARGE: Okay, my first day as director.
[SIGHS] So hard to dress for respect.
No.
No.
No.
Got it.
[GASPS] Hey-a, buddy, what'll it be? Moe, it's me.
Midge! I thought it was Hillary Clinton.
Give me a vodka, straight up.
Are you sure you're not Hillary? Our new production will be Bloody Bloody Jebediah, a hip-hop musical about our city's founder.
Is it respectful? Not entirely.
What?! Why don't we start by going around the circle and saying what parts we're playing.
I'm Marge, the director.
Luann, Jebediah's wife.
Carl, Quarrelsome Settler.
I got a bone to pick with this part.
Beautiful, use it.
Next.
Lenny, Mayor of Shelbyville and an ostrich.
Frink, tech crew.
Always crew.
Hollywood only lets in one Bill Nye in a generation.
[EXCLAIMS] With the nerdy and the hoyvik and the reference only I understand.
And, of course, our incredible star, Sideshow Mel.
Finally not a sidekick.
This is my time to shine.
Your first line is on page 37.
What?! Yo, Jebediah survived the pox Never used clocks Didn't wear socks, that's what we learned From examining his docs, and now the mic drops.
Boom, et cetera.
- [GROANS] - Krusty, what's wrong? It's happened the worst possible thing that can happen to a performer.
What do you mean? I'm in an article entitled, "Where Are They Now?" [SOBS] Right above Judd Nelson and New Coke.
I'll tell you where Judd Nelson is.
He's on my show tonight.
[SOBS] Ah.
Fantastic! What's that thing you were doing? Oh, uh, local theater.
You wouldn't be interested.
Hey, I'm a performer, an artist, which means I'm always interested in money.
Live theater is the only thing getting ratings these days.
Who owns the rights? A Mrs.
Marge Simpson.
Oh, really? Let's see what kind of bargain Mrs.
Marge Simpson drives.
So you'll get 80% of the profits while I get foreign distribution rights in Venezuela for a window of three weeks.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY, GROANS] So my little show's gonna be on TV live? Yep.
This is the first time a woman has signed something with me where I didn't lose custody of something.
So where will we stage it? Outside, where the lighting is free.
Ooh, are you sure that's not risky? Well, some would say I'm taking a risk with an original play and a first-time director, but show business is based on risks.
Risks and comic books.
Excuse me.
[CHUCKLES] So, Marge, are you ready to beg me to come back? Actually, Llewellyn, we're doing fine on our own.
No need to grovel.
You don't actually have to say anything.
Okay, fine, I'll come back.
No one's asking you to come back.
You know what? Just for that, I won't come back.
Fine.
Please, I'm begging you, take me back.
All right, but beware, hell hath no fury like a director scorned.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to sneak my headshot onto the wall.
And poof.
You're flushed, Plummer.
I hired you to bus tables.
- Hmm? - I'm researching a role.
[CHOMPS] Now, Mom, before you go into that production meeting, I want to pass along a quote from F.
Scott Fitzgerald.
"Great art is the contempt of a great woman for small art.
" He actually said "man," but he'd have wanted me to change it.
Didn't he also say, "Show me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy"? Yes, but he also said, "Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.
" But didn't he also say, "There are no second acts in American lives"? Just get in the meeting! The bagels are getting hard.
[GRUNTS HAPPILY] [DOORBELL RINGS] [CHUCKLES] There's my Jebediah.
Marge, I'm leaving the show to fulfill a lifelong dream playing Prospero in The Tempest.
You can't quit now.
We're live in three days.
We have no understudy.
And you were gonna bring the edibles for the wrap party.
Not my problem.
There's nothing I enjoy more than watching a director trying to talk an actor out of leaving for a better part.
[CACKLES] Dramatic twist! Sing a song of sixpence, a pocketful of rye Four and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie.
[CAWING, CHIRPING] Stay in there, you stupid blackbirds! [SCREECHING] Darling, you're supposed to kill the blackbirds before you put them in the pie.
Homie, Homie.
[SCREECHING] - Homie.
Homie.
- Blackbirds! Blackbirds! Homie, wake up.
What are you dreaming about? Uh, Daddy and Me class.
You are a great father.
Oh, I wish I felt like a great director.
Fine, if you want me to quit the class, I'll do it.
Who said anything about quitting? I've had enough people quit on me today.
Marge, anyone who can raise two girls and two boys the way you're doing can do anything.
You're gonna make it.
I've got a special announcement today.
You're gonna wear the perfume I bought you? Even better.
Barry's divorce came through, so I'm able to leave this class and marry him.
Come on up, Barry.
[ALL GROANING] Later, losers.
Barry's not sitting cross-legged anymore.
Uh, why him? Maybe I have the cutest baby.
Or maybe the first words I got her to say were "I love you, Chloe.
" [GIBBERING] I love you, Chloe.
We sang "Wheels on the Bus" together.
Well, that's it.
Time to [STAMMERS] Where's the baby I brought? Ah, geez.
I won't be dating her grandma anymore.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] So I guess we're not doing the class.
Wait a minute, the part you liked was spending time with me? Aw.
Well, I'll always dance with you, sweetie.
Hmm? [GASPING] [STRAINS] Okay, no pressure, but I need to find a new lead in the next 15 minutes.
Preferably a name.
Is Bumblebee Man available? No, he's playing Don Quixote in Man of La Mancha.
Damn it.
Why is this town's theater scene so vibrant? I'm here to audition for the part of Macbeth.
It's not Macbeth.
- Is it Macduff? - Not Macduff.
Well, there's no other parts worth playing! That's it.
We're doomed.
We'll just have a bake sale.
Will you serve haggis? - No.
- I'm out.
[DEEP VOICE]: A pioneer with no fear Shooting deer On the frontier Spotlight that singer.
And the crowds all cheer Jebediah Springfield Found the town right here.
[REGULAR VOICE]: Yes, glavin, it's me, with the Gomer Pyle voice and the unexpectedly good singing.
You've got the part.
[DEEP VOICE]: Thank you.
Save your voice.
[REGULAR VOICE]: All right, then.
[THUNDER ROLLS] Marge, as your producer, I'm gonna inform you of a problem, then blame you if you can't solve it.
[SIGHS] Now what? There's one thing a first-time director cannot control.
Bruce Willis? No, the weather.
Marge, it's going to rain during the show.
How hard? Well, let's just say I hope you liked the movie Waterworld.
Ambitious, eh, but unsatisfying.
You might want to consider canceling.
I don't know much about showbiz, but I know one thing: the show must go on.
Huh? I never heard that before.
Really? Well, tell me to break a leg.
Why would I do that? It's violent and cruel.
Well there's no business like show business.
Nah, nah, now that's not true.
Most show business companies are part of much larger conglomerates.
Just get the hell out.
That I've heard before.
[GRUNTS] Hmm.
Going live.
Break a leg, everyone.
- MAN: What? - MAN 2: Why would you wish that? LENNY: You're mean.
[PIANO PLAYING] Let me tell you about a mystery Of our city's history An out-of-towner was our founder Despite his latent bigotry How did this pioneer domineer Persevere, then die right here? Before the tire fire, a man named Jebediah Made Springfield the new frontier Cue camera three.
Cue Bart.
Whoa.
[DEEP VOICE]: That's right, my name is Jebediah Springfield There is none to whom I yield No king to whom I've kneeled Tonight my secrets are revealed Jebediah Springfield [HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYING] Now, this bear and I are one and the same He gave his life so that I could have fame Jebediah Springfield.
MARGE: Cut to commercial.
That's a cut to commercial, everyone.
John Lithgow? I like to work.
- Oh, uh, line, please? - "Grrr.
" No, you fool, a rescue line.
Mom, what do we do? Improvise.
Lisa, I need a five-minute rap about the cruelty of the sea and the brave souls who rise above it.
No problem.
Can I make sly analogies to today's politics? No.
You'll date it.
The bullets flew like rain As buffalo were slain Who wants to change the channel? Eh, either they're all dead or it's a hit.
Fifty-fifty.
[GASPS] And now I have a raging fever Bitten by a rabid beaver I didn't fight for equal rights I wish I'd done more for non-whites But no more time for Jebediah All that's left to do Is Die-a.
[GROANS IN REGULAR VOICE] [CHEERING] BARNEY: In unison AUDIENCE [CHANTING]: Marge! Marge! Marge! This is the happiest moment [CHOKING] Careers are getting shorter than ever these days.
Marge, we got the highest rating in modern TV history.
A 0.
6! Congratulations.
I did it.
I directed a popular off-Broadway musical.
And I wrote a popular off-Broadway musical.
And I caught an octopus on Main Street.
What a day.
And the winner for Outstanding Lead Performance in a Play or Musical.
Oh, mein Gott! It's Sideshow Mel for The Tempest.
[KRUSTY THE CLOWN SHOW THEME SONG PLAYING] Barbara, you can put the kids to bed now.
Is what I'd like to say, but I'm childless.
"One pie to the groin won't do damage," they said.
They were wrong! 12 nominations, zero awards.
Welcome to Club Snub, Marge.
Feel the bile rising, the bitterness that will never PRESENTER: And a special award for Best Newcomer, Marge Simpson.
- [GASPS] - Damn it!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  Girl's in the Band
The Simpsons s30e19 Episode Script
Girl's in the Band
1 [GRUNTING] [SCHOOL BELL RINGING] [BELCHES] D'oh! [STIRRING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING] - [MUSIC STOPS] - Each year, one graduate receives the prestigious Golden Baton Award for the most impressive future conductor.
But this year, we have two worthy recipients.
- [AUDIENCE GASPING] - Two? That's right.
Gustavo Dudamel and local wunderkind, Mr.
Dewey Largo.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] I'm sure you will each achieve tremendous renown.
No, wait.
I believe that one of you will.
And the other will fail and have a horrible life as a public school music teacher.
[CACKLING MANIACALLY] Oh Dudamel.
Dudamel.
Yo-Yo Ma! Oh, Dewey, my pouty poppet.
You're having that dream again? Oh, it's so cruel that my only triumph has become my recurring nightmare.
Oh, darling, you're cursed with the memory of an elephant.
And the wrinkles to match.
Can't you just wake me with a slice of melon and a drop of affection? Whatever you say, Lord Grumpy of the Morning Breath.
[LAUGHS] Now, Petal, don't forget to call the dog walker.
Tell him to come early.
And easy on the leash.
Oh, it's on my list.
Also, don't forget to call someone about the water bill.
I suspect a sputtering spigot.
You know, you are home all day.
Hence my annoyance.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Pinterest awaits.
[GROANS] - [DOG GRUMBLES] - Oh, shut up, Sir Winston, or there'll be no cigar for you.
[DISCORDANTLY PLAYING MOZART'S "EINE KLEINE NACHTMUSIK"] MAN: Dear Mr.
Largo, I am the musical director of the Capital City Philharmonic.
I've heard you've got talent.
Big talent, major chops, - the goods.
- [EXCLAIMS] [SUSTAINING NOTE] So I'll be attending your concert tomorrow night.
Intriguingly yours, Victor Kleskow.
[SUSTAINING NOTE] P.
S.
I will be bringing an outside beverage.
Large, icy, nonalcoholic.
- [NOTE FADES] - Okay, gang.
Our recital's tomorrow, and we're gonna be ready.
And if you play the way I know you're capable of, you'll never see me again.
[THEME FROM PATTON BY JERRY GOLDSMITH PLAYS] You have hidden talent bubbling inside you, and this baton will pop it right out.
Sherri, more fortissimo.
Terri, more pianissimo.
Milhouse, don't forget to tune your What the heck are you playing? No one really knows.
Well, then, wear it on your head.
Here we go.
I'm gonna do something I've never done as a teacher before: actually try.
One, two, three, four.
[PLAYING "LIEUTENANT KIJ? SUITE" BY PROKOFIEV] Are you sure we're at the right school? I mean, they sound good.
Oh, my gosh, it's bearable.
[MUSIC SWELLING] [MUSIC STOPS] [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Sir? Did it move you? Skinner, didn't I ask for a buffer chair between you and me at all of these events? Uh-uh.
Buffer.
Brilliant.
How did you manage it? It was good, wasn't it? Let's just say I separated the wheat from the chaff.
I'm in the F hole.
Oh, Salieri, patron saint of losers, runners-up and also-rans, please let this Garfunkel become a Simon, this Pepsi become a Coke, and this ugly duckling conduct Swan Lake.
Hi.
Victor Kleskow.
We're conductors, so don't shake hands; just a friendly wave on the beat of four, three, two and done.
I'm honored, maestro.
Let's cut to the chase.
That was good middle school good.
Tonight, I witnessed a once-in-a-semester talent that I must add to my organization.
- Dewey - Uh-huh.
have to keep talking, or can I meet Lisa Simpson? But-but-but she's a child.
Yes, I'm scouting talent for our youth philharmonic.
Surely, you didn't think I wanted you? [SIGHS] No, no, of course not.
Lisa's right over there.
Red dress, intelligent expression.
Can't miss her.
Mr.
Largo, he picked me.
[GASPS] I'm sorry.
I'm really glad you get to represent us.
It's like a little piece of me is taking a baby practice step.
That is so generous.
Yes, yes, there is an upside to having a broken spirit.
Mr.
Kleskow said my articulation was the best he's ever heard.
He said I sounded like a young Cannonball Adderley.
Ooh, is that the raccoon on Saturday morning cartoons? I'm talking about the famous jazz musician.
I don't know who you're talking about.
The guy I'm thinking of would make himself into a ball and knock over all the crows.
[LAUGHS] Homie, this class is 30 miles each way.
We can do it! I'll practice in the car.
60 miles in the car with Lisa practicing.
I've got a symphony for you.
[TUNE OF BEETHOVEN'S 5TH]: Sucks to be you Sucks to be you, sucks to be you Sucks to be you, sucks to be you.
[MARGE GRUMBLES] We can't afford a babysitter every day.
Bart will have to come along.
And Maggie, too.
Well, I got to ask.
Should we really sacrifice everything for a gifted child? We'll always regret it if we don't.
- Okay.
- I wanted you to argue with me.
Youth orchestra costs $200 a month.
Where's that money gonna come from? Well, I have an idea, but you might not like it.
Remember the show Breaking Bad? About a dad who was desperate for money? Homer, no.
Marge, yes, I can do it.
I can sell my box set.
We haven't even listened to the commentaries.
Okay, not that.
I could always switch to a double shift and work nights at the plant.
Isn't that dangerous to your health? You think I'm in danger? I am the danger.
I'm the one who knocks.
Well, that's so protective.
It's also a quote from Breaking Bad.
[MARGE GROANS] You are really far behind.
[BREAKING BAD THEME PLAYS] [HORNS HONKING] MAN [ON RADIO]: And Jesus said unto the Samaritan woman [ANNOUNCER SPEAKING SPANISH] Good, good.
When the Spanish station overpowers the Christian one, we're getting close to the city.
BART: Why do I have to be here? I specifically didn't get good at anything to avoid drives like this.
If you were me, would you trust you home alone? Hmm.
[HORSE WHINNIES] [CHUCKLES] [INSTRUMENTS TUNING AND WARMING UP] - Who's the new girl? - What does she play? Too small for a tuba.
- Too big for a flute.
- Well, maybe it's her lunch.
- Hi.
I'm Lisa Simpson.
- Shh.
He might hear you.
[COUGHS] - Are you okay? - Don't tell him I'm sick.
The sick are left to die.
[COUGHS, HOCKS, SPITS] Wow, even the violas are tense.
[PLAYING AN INTENSE NOTE] Everyone, say hello to Lisa Simpson.
She's an actual musician, so she will be a strange and wonderful creature to the rest of you.
We'll start with one of the classics.
Theme from Knight Rider, second movement, bar 47.
One, two, three, four.
[PLAYING KNIGHT RIDER THEME] - [MUSIC STOPS] - I may have misspoken.
Miss Simpson, was that an F sharp or a G flat that you played? Well, that's a trick question, because they're the same.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE] Oh, we have a music scholar in our midst.
You're right, they are the same.
And if only you had played either one of them! [GROANS] Sorry? No, no, no.
It's my fault.
I've been too soft on you, Lisa.
I've been letting you coast for almost two minutes.
That ends now.
Lisa alone, theme from Moonlighting, second movement, andante! [PLAYING MOONLIGHTING THEME] Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- Ow.
Ow.
- Bart.
- Bart.
- Just killing time.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- [LISA PANTING] - Lisa.
Lisa, sweetie, are you okay? He yelled at me, humiliated me in front of everyone.
And then I never played better! Aw, so we're doing this every day? - I guess so.
- Oh, man.
I've already got seat cushion butt.
Look.
I sat on a nickel.
You can see the date.
[GASPS] That's a buffalo nickel.
It's really valuable.
Threw it in the gutter.
- Coins are boring.
- [GROANS] [EDVARD GRIEG'S "IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING" PLAYING] Hey, welcome to the night shift.
What are you in for? Because I hit the jackpot.
My kid's got a big future with the jazz.
Oh, I hear you, you'll do anything for your kids.
Then they turn on you.
Well, I am through.
Happily estranged.
[RINGING] Is that my kids? Oh, boy.
Steam valve.
It's never them.
It's pretty dark in here.
Can we turn on some more lights? Uh, no.
The company can't afford the power.
Aren't we a power company? Never get high on your own supply.
[BLOWS] [ORCHESTRA QUIETLY PLAYING] Uh, Mom, I think Maggie wants to go home.
Maggie, is that what you want? Let's go home! Let's go home! I'm sorry, is this annoying you? Ma'am, day care is happy to watch your son.
Bart Simpson, well-behaved child.
Please don't Google me.
- In you go! - [BART YELPS] [DOOR LOCKS] Who are you losers, and why am I locked in here with you? We're the siblings.
Our brothers and sisters are the talented ones.
Do you know what it's like being second banana to a third chair? Shut up, Miles.
[HONKS] Hey, I don't belong here.
You're one of us.
ALL [CHANTING]: One of us.
One of us.
- Afterthought.
- Also-ran.
Second string.
GIRL: Unwanted child.
[ALL GROANING] You're pretty well-dressed for a kid.
I'm a parent.
A prize-winning novelist with no musical talent.
All right, first order of business, do we have any chair challenges? Excuse me, what's a chair chall Great, our first volunteer, out for blood.
Lisa versus Brian, winner gets first chair.
- Lisa, how could you? - No, I didn't mean to.
Go, go, go, or I'll call you both Ubers back to Loser Town.
Damn it, surge pricing.
I'll call it in later.
Go! I've heard enough.
Brian, that was perfect for second chair.
Lisa, you have his spot.
- I had a good run.
- No, you didn't.
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
Never apologize for talent.
Did Mozart apologize? I don't know.
I wasn't there.
And even if I was, I'd have been pushing a plow.
You think everyone gets to hang out with Mozart? [LISA MOANS] LISA: Whoo-hoo! First chair.
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING] - Well, I'm off to the night shift.
- [SNOWBALL II YOWLS] I'll miss you most of all, prime-time TV.
- Dad, do my feelings matter? - Of course they do.
We just don't have as much time for them as usual.
Go ahead, tell me what you're thinking.
- Well, I - I hear you, I understand you, - and I love you.
- But I Just put the rest on my Father's Day card.
Mwah.
I'll see you at breakfast.
[MARGE CRIES] There's nothing worse than being the parent of a kid with promise.
Oh, gosh.
I've been so selfish.
That's right.
The only one who should monopolize this family's time and attention is me, because I could go at any moment.
Unless I keep talking.
Talking, talking, talking.
That's what keeps the grim reaper at bay.
[PHONE VIBRATES] I saw quite a bit of the grim reaper back in the war.
Back then, we called him The Ticket Out of Germany.
But the seating was cramped and the food was lousy.
And that was the start of American Airlines.
MAN [ON RADIO]: ¿Accidentes? No problema.
Teléfono ocho-ocho-ocho ocho-ocho Maggie, what are you doing? I'll help her, Mom.
Help! Help! I was promised ice cream 50 miles ago.
- [TIRES SCREECH] - [SIGHS] We're here.
- Homie? - [SIGHS] Everything's breakfast all the time.
Eggs.
All I'm eating are eggs.
I think it's turning my skin yellow.
Homie, are we sacrificing our family's happiness for the sake of one member? When Lisa's making millions of dollars playing for the Utah Jazz, it'll be worth it.
The Jazz is a basketball team.
No, it's Oh, my God, what have we done? [JAZZ PLAYING] [TIRES SCREECH] Okay, listen up, you guys want to be in your siblings' shadows your whole life? ALL: Yes.
It's cool in the shadow.
Well, I'm gonna tell you how to get attention.
- Are you sure? - That sounds risky.
I don't know about that.
Here's what you do: misbehave.
Call your dad by his first name.
If it's sticky, spill it.
- Make a shirttail wiener.
- [KIDS LAUGHING] - Yes! - I'll do it! Yeah! Simpson, a word? About your time with this band, I am afraid it's almost up.
Are you kicking me out? I wish.
Ending people's musical careers is why I got into music.
But no, your sin is having a birthday soon.
You have to audition to move up to the next group.
- How old are they? - Nine to 14.
And then what's the group after that? Fame, fortune, an affair with Hans Zimmer.
Well, sir, I'm ready for all but the last one.
You think you're ready? In nine to 14, we play notes you've never heard of.
M-flat, J-sharp, V, cursive G, Frank, Frank Natural.
And those are just the ones you can hear.
I know you're playing mental games with me, and I take it as flattery.
Smart.
Always smart.
Well, this isn't a game! It'll cost your parents more money, and it's a half hour farther from everywhere.
Oh, well, I guess I better talk to my family, then, and tell them the, uh the good news.
Auditions are Tuesday.
I sense you're conflicted.
I was conflicted once.
Band leader or prison guard? I chose the one where I could be more cruel.
[BIRD CAWING] So tired and irritable.
Shut up.
You shut up.
["MIDNIGHT, THE STARS AND YOU" PLAYING] The usual, sir? Thank you, Lloyd.
And let me say, no one enables a descent into madness better than you.
I understand the family's getting to be a bit of a problem.
Yeah, but what are you gonna do? I hear radiation poisoning is a painless way to go.
Maybe sprinkle a little plutonium in the salad.
- I don't eat salad.
- Exactly.
[CHUCKLES] I see.
[LAUGHS] - No, I don't.
- Kill your family.
- How do I do that? - With the plutonium.
- Well, where do I put it? - In the salad.
- To what end? - To kill your family! Just what are you driving at? ["MIDNIGHT, THE STARS AND YOU" PLAYING] Simpson, what the hell are you doing? Get back to your post.
Geez, I nearly went insane just to put my kid in an after-school music class.
I'm beginning to think it's not worth it.
- Please, don't fire me.
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, don't worry.
What happens on the night shift stays on the night shift.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
I'm just gonna bash your brains in.
[CHUCKLES] There's our head of human resources now.
Well, this is it.
If she makes it, it's five more years at least of driving.
I gave Maggie a Sketch 'n' Etch to calm her down.
HOMER: Oh, my God, she has talent, too.
- What are you looking at? - Uh, nothing.
Make something else.
LISA: I'm doing it.
I'm gonna make it.
Oh, but if I keep being this good, it'll mean more practice and more driving and more resentful looks from the baby.
Wonder what I'm gonna do.
Ugh, I hate defining moments.
[PLAYS OFF-KEY] Stop! That's it, you failed.
Have fun playing for nickels on the street at the corner of Good But Not Great and Disappointment Boulevard.
You don't exist for me anymore.
You're pretty mean for a teacher.
Yeah.
You should see me as a father.
So, guess this is the last time we're doing this drive.
Lisa, are you okay? Sure.
Fine.
Never been better.
Hmm.
You weren't crazy enough to fail on purpose just to make life better for the rest of us? I'm fine.
Probably, if I'd gotten it, all that work would have killed my love for music.
Or I think you would have gotten better and loved it more.
[BOTH GRUNT] I know I loved that.
And I love that I drove you to violence.
- [GRUNTS] - [BOTH LAUGH] Don't make me come back there! You wouldn't fit, fatso.
Oh, wouldn't I? - [HOMER GRUNTING] - [MARGE GASPS] [BOTH LAUGH] [LAUGHS] Maggie, are we good? Oh, wow.
Why does this car always smell of cheese puffs? Is someone sad-snacking when he drives alone? It's not like I have anyone making me breakfast.
But we're almost home, so close your eyes.
There's a big surprise.
- Come on, close them.
- This is silly.
Close them! Oh, Petal.
Surprise.
[GASPS] A man, for me? No.
I changed the locks, and I'm kicking you out.
But-but who gets Sir Winston? His name is Poochini.
Very well.
Poochini it is.
[LARGO GASPS] That's all I ever wanted.
I love you.
Springfield! Springfield!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  Bart vs. Itchy & Scratchy
The Simpsons s30e18 Episode Script
Bart vs. Itchy & Scratchy
1 I love a good panel.
Krusty clearly hates being there, but he still gets super mad when anyone but him talks.
Please welcome the legendary stars of the Krusty the Clown Show.
[CHEERING] Hey-hey! And a non-writing producer.
Ooh, non-writing.
Hey-hey, kids! ALL: Hey-hey, Krusty! Have we got a great panel planned for you today.
What is it, Howard, the usual crap? Oh, yeah, that'll kill some time.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMS] [GRUNTING] Kids, call the police! This isn't a sketch! [GROANS] Ah.
My legs! Stick to the script.
[STRAINING]: Ladies and gentlemen, Miami Sound Machine.
Come on, shake Where do you come up with your ideas? I'm a genius.
Next.
- Are there any plans - BOTH: For another Krusty movie? We're waiting for a story that needs to be told.
Once we see that, we'll copy it and call it a parody.
Oy.
Does anyone have a question that hasn't been asked a thousand times? I have the worst fans in the world.
Now we've got a big surprise for the best fans in the world! We're making some big changes to your favorite cartoon.
- [AUDIENCE GASPS] - MAN: It's different.
It's an all-female reboot of Itchy & Scratchy! BOTH: Oh, my God! Pretty enlightened, eh, kids? We here at the Krusty Show really care about gender diversity.
Ask anyone: our lawyers, our attorneys, anyone.
A girl Itchy & Scratchy? No, no, no, this can't be.
They've ruined my childhood.
Your childhood is currently happening.
That's how I know.
It doesn't make any sense.
In real life, Itchy and Scratchy are dudes.
Girl mice don't have the upper body strength to wield a chain saw.
Is truth dead? BOYS: Boo! Ah, you boys are leaving me for video games anyway.
Zap, zap, zap, you'll all die alone.
Girl power is where it's at.
That movie where Superman was a chick made a megillah of shekels.
Am I right, ladies? [GIRLS CHEERING] See? Girls like my pandering.
Remember this if there's ever a gender war.
Oh, this is the worst change Krusty's ever made to the show, even worse than Sideshow Leonard Cohen.
When girl Itchy & Scratchy comes on, we should totally hate-watch it.
No, everybody come over to my house, and we'll turn off the TV the second that girl cartoon comes on.
We'll hate-not-watch it.
Yeah! Hate-not-watch! Yeah, that won't not show 'em.
I never really thought about Itchy and Scratchy as male or female, but it is cool that they're girls now.
I always thought they were a married couple, and that's why they fought so much.
Mom, they're different species.
I don't know what to be liberal about anymore.
I am so pumped to hate-not-watch Itchy & Scratchy.
I've not popped the popcorn, the lights are not turned down.
Perfect.
Listen, son, I'm proud that you're starting to hate things, but take it slow.
If you use up all your hate when you're young, one day you'll be an old man who likes things that suck.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Tonight, cabbage.
It is a lovely shade of gray, and just look at the wrinklin.
All I'm saying is, if they ever make a female Mr.
Magoo, I will lose it, I will just lose it! KRUSTY [ON TV]: Hey-hey, kids! It's time to tickle your funny bones and your Equal Employment Opportunity Commission bones by presenting the all-new, all-female Itchy & Scratchy! Now to sit in silence till it's over.
Blindfolds on, gentlemen.
This is Lisa Simpson, recording my reaction to this historic moment in cartoon women's history.
SINGERS: They fight, they bite They bite and fight and bite, bite, bite, bite KRUSTY: Now they're girls SINGERS: The Itchy & Scratchy KRUSTY: Girls! May I? I got my ticket for the long way 'round Two bottle o' whiskey for the way [IN DISTANCE]: And I sure would like Some sweet company And I'm leaving tomorrow What do you say? - [LAUGHING] - When I'm gone, when I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone [LAUGHING] You're gonna miss me by my hair, you're gonna miss me Ha-ha! I knew you couldn't resist watching.
And guess what, you laughed! It was funny.
I-I wasn't laughing.
I-I was crying a-and burping! And open.
We did it.
We prejudged something without giving it a chance.
I am so proud of us.
Like Bart Simpson would ever watch a girl Itchy & Scratchy.
Never gonna happen.
- [GRUNTING] - Yeah.
That little liar.
If only people could know that Bart laughed even harder than I did [GASPS] All right, you soda-squirting hypocrite, I know exactly what to do with this video.
TOSHUA JOSH [ON TV]: Welcome to Josh.
0, the show for people who want to look at the Internet but don't have a computer or a phone.
You know what bugs me about old guys at the gym? They always forget to wipe down the machine.
[LAUGHING]: He means the blood.
Now, this boy says he hates all-girl Itchy & Scratchy, but then this happened [LAUGHING] Bart, you got to see this! Some old guy at a gym got hit by a boat! Also, now everyone knows you're the world's biggest hypocrite.
[LAUGHING] [LAUGHING]: You said you weren't gonna watch it, and then you did and you loved it! Then you got busted and I called you in here and laughed at you! And I'm still doing it! Look at you.
What a jerk.
[BART GROANS] Well, Bart, how does it feel to be trolled, memed, giffed, and, dare I say, pwned? How do you know those words? I read about them in Parade magazine.
Big deal, I was exposed as a liar on the Internet.
I've got so much cred built up, nothing can take me down.
You betrayed us, Bart.
And worse, you betrayed your own wang.
You know what? Yes, I laughed at a cartoon.
Why? Because it was funny.
So what if Itchy and Scratchy are girls? I laughed, and you can't take back the laugh.
Girls aren't funny.
They're hot or moms.
Or both.
Girls stole Itchy and Scratchy.
What are they gonna take next, our body spray? Our puka shell necklaces? - Yeah! - Lame! Girls get everything: bigger, softer baseballs, chick flicks, two-piece bathing suits, and on House Hunters International, they always choose the house that she wants.
He's right.
The wife gets the beach view, but it's always a longer commute for the husband.
- You know, you're right.
- Oh, yeah.
You guys see what's happening? You're listening to Milhouse! So? Maybe we are.
MILHOUSE: They are listening to me.
The next thing I say must be perfectly chosen to show I am worthy of leadership.
Get him! [SHOUTING] [PANTING] [GROANS] [GROANS] - [BOYS GROWLING] - [BART GASPS] [HISSING] [GASPS] Sixth graders.
Tweens.
What are you doing in the girl's room, Seat Soaker? No, no, I didn't mean to come in here.
I need sanctuary.
Hey, you guys have a candy machine? No fair.
Spin him till he barfs.
Ah! I'm full of hummus and milk! [GROANING] Pink spray paint? Give that back.
That's for Skinner's office.
You tell anyone about this, you're canceled.
Charlie Rose canceled.
No, no, no, you can trust me.
I'm not just any fourth grader.
Whoa, this dude's El Barto.
Huh, I always thought it was that fifth grader, Eloise Barto.
Yeah, sometimes I get her e-mail.
You know, if you fill up a leaf blower with paint, you can coat Skinner's whole office.
- Duh.
- Double duh.
Where are we gonna get a leaf blower? Willie's shack.
[SOUND OF BAGPIPES PLAYING] Whoa, homemade prank masks.
The knit is on.
This'll teach Skinner to ban sandals.
Oh, he will not silence our toes.
Hurry, Skinner's almost back from his lunchtime dog-walking job.
[HUMMING] [DOOR OPENS] I will not negotiate with terrorists.
I'll just give in.
Sandals unbanned.
Ladies, that was smooth, Barbie smooth.
So smooth.
Hey, why are you still here, truck-nuts? Whoa, is this your hideout? It's the old Home Ec classroom, where they would brainwash girls into being good little housewives, but now it's our war room.
Also, we cook here, we do a little bit of sewing.
Stop telling him things! Cooties be damned, you girls are badass and your pranks are next level.
Take a seat and learn something.
We don't do "pranks," we drop awareness bombs.
Our protest crew is called Bossy Riot.
We're pushing back against the pushback, starting with this school.
Look at this his-tory book.
BART: Cool shades.
That is textbook textbook shredding.
Now do you see what we're doing here? I think I do.
You're sticking it to the man, but this time, the man is men.
Look, you got to let me join your gang.
You know, if we're really serious about gender equality, it's only right that a boy be our servant.
Okay, No-varies, you're in, if you pass this test Steal Skinner's cell phone.
Work or personal? - CHALMERS: Skinner! - AGNES: Seymour! Welcome to girlhood.
Gentlemen, our way of life - is under attack.
- Hear, hear! Society is trying to erase boys.
They give us drugs that make us do girly things, like pay attention.
They're putting drugs in our medication? We need to band together.
Like a sorority, but for dudes.
I give you the Boys Rights Association.
- BOYS: BRA! - B-R-A.
- Right now, we're just training BRAs.
- Mm-hmm.
But soon, we'll be the strongest, most supportive BRAs anyone has ever seen.
[CHANTING]: We are BRAs! We are BRAs! Our son has one, two [GASPS] eight friends.
They're more than just friends, he's-he's the leader.
[EXHALES] I'm feeling this wave of relief, not worrying about my son's social life.
I can stop being a mother and start being a a woman.
[EXHALES] Say it.
Say it again.
Our son has friends.
Old folks say "You poor little fool" Down the streets, I'm the girl next door I'm the fox you've been waiting for Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb Hello, world, I'm your wild girl I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb Stone Age love and strange sounds, too This is why I sit.
Bad nights causing teenage blues Get down, ladies, you've got nothing to lose Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb BROCKMAN: Springfield, a town living in fear, as masked pranksters calling themselves "Bossy Riot," spread their terrifying message of female empowerment.
The latest victim of this "gal Qaeda," our once-proud symbol of the portly pastry-purveying patriarchy.
HOMER: "Lard Lady"? But a donut is the ultimate symbol of masculinity.
The only lead police have as to the identity of Bossy Riot is this security camera footage.
[HOMER LAUGHS] HOMER: Moe and his bats.
Bossy Riot is so cool.
We need fearless female activists to fight back against misogyny and man-spreading.
Well, whoever they are, they are the coolest badasses this town has ever seen, whoever they are.
Ooh, Bart winked at me.
I must be in on a joke.
[CHUCKLES] - [BART HUMMING] - Hmm - [SCREAMS] - Bart, are you in Bossy Riot? - No way.
- Ah, good.
Because if you were fighting for women's rights, it would destroy my entire vision of the universe.
- Actually, I totally am.
- [SHOUTS] You can't be an activist for women's rights.
You don't know anything about the feminist cause.
Sure I do.
Chicks get a raw deal.
I'm a little fuzzy on the deets, but take my word for it.
[GROANS] It's all about the deets.
You're not a girl.
You just want to spray-paint the world and watch it drip.
You've never been called shrill just because you speak up.
And-and girls' clothing has no pockets, while yours are lousy with pockets! This is good stuff, I got to write it down.
[BART HUMMING] This is someone else's war, and you, y-you're just a mercenary.
Mercenaries are cool, like Boba Fett.
Oh, yeah, Boba Fett, great character.
Boba Fett's badass.
He wears a jetpack and a cape.
Pick a lane, weirdo.
Why does every discussion about feminism turn into an argument about Star Wars? If Boba Fett's such a great bounty hunter, why is his armor all banged up? [SIGHS] It's a look, like distressed denim.
You shouldn't be part of a protest if you don't care about the cause.
Well, you care.
Why don't you come with? Maybe I will.
Great.
Bring black gloves and no ID.
You've been Tasered before, right? It only hurts until you pass out.
I'm excited; I want to, I do, but there's a part of me that's scared, and that part is my body and my head.
It's okay, I get it.
There's nothing wrong with being all talk.
Us feminists need cheerleaders, too.
[GROANS] So, what's up, my fellow Ruthless Bader Ginsburgs? What's on the a-gender for the evening? Your friends in the so-called "Boys Rights Association" have been protesting The Krusty Show.
I told you not to light the toys yet.
I didn't, they just burst into flames.
Krusty caved.
He said he'd never show another all-girl Itchy & Scratchy ever again.
So we're gonna destroy the master tapes of every Itchy & Scratchy.
Wait, what? No.
I love those cartoons.
I can't let you do it.
Oh, you can't "let" us? Don't have a lady cow.
All cows are ladies.
That thing you said about me being all talk? Well, I have prepared two comebacks, and I will now give you both.
Those girls are gonna destroy every Itchy & Scratchy, forever! [GRUNTING] Hey, hey, boys and boys! Well, congratulations, I'm never gonna air the girl Itchy & Scratchy again.
You hit me where it hurts the most: right in the sponsors.
Buy 'em all.
[GASPS] We're too late.
They're going to destroy the tapes on live TV.
Let's get him out of those bras and go.
Uh, no, you can leave me like this.
I'm good.
We are Bossy Riot, and we're gonna drop all the original Itchy & Scratchys into a pool of nail polish remover.
[ALL GASPING] That's crazy.
We have those backed up a thousand times.
Right, Howard? What do you do?! Don't do it.
Those shows are funny.
Mice killing cats, guts everywhere.
It doesn't matter if it's boy guts or girl guts.
Guts are guts.
See, the thing about comedy is Bart, stop mansplaining! No, no, no, no, if I keep talking, they'll get it eventually.
[GRUNTS] The fumes are burning my eyes.
[ALL CRYING] Look, they're crying, on live TV.
Glitterize their tears.
Mama! Don't worry, sir, your brothers are united in blaming this on you.
[SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT] [GROANS] Hey, hey! Come back here! You there, sweet innocent girls, did you see three crazed man-haters run through here? Gee, Officer, they went that way.
Thanks, princess.
Thank you.
Wait a second.
Do any of you babysit? Great.
Be at my house Saturday at 7:00.
And if Ralph asks you to give him a bath, do not give him a bath.
So I guess I'm not in the group anymore.
You were never in the group.
We just kept you around for fingerprints and DNA.
But making those boys cry was hardcore.
You, uh, ever think about wearing the yarn? Me? Join you? Can I do it? Can I push my beliefs further than they've ever gone? - Well, let us know.
- [CLICKS TONGUE] Mask me.
["EXTREME WAYS" BY MOBY PLAYING] So spill it, Simpson.
You were on the inside.
What's the deal with girls? Well, check this out: they also burp.
No way.
From where? Is that even allowed? Let's see, what else? They're always telling each other they're pretty, their bathroom candy tastes really weird, but there's one thing that really crushed me.
I almost don't want to say it out loud.
They don't envy us.
- - Oh [GASPS] [SIGHS] [MILHOUSE SOBS QUIETLY]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  I Want You (She's So Heavy)
The Simpsons s30e16 Episode Script
I Want You (She's So Heavy)
1 [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BELCHES] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] [APPLAUSE] [STAMMERS]: You sit on me.
There's a remote in my crack.
Uh, Problems I Have! I could use a slip cover.
Um, uh, Things Your Sister Would Say! No.
Uh [GASPS] You haven't replaced me since 1989.
Things a Couch Would Say! - Yes! - [BELL DINGING] Hopefully, we won't be out too late, Shauna.
[VALLEY GIRL ACCENT]: Whatever.
And just for the night, could you lose the tongue ring? Whatever.
Homer, is it too late to change babysitters? Yes.
So I'll have to stay home.
I don't think we have to Homer.
Yes, Marge?! We both have to go to Drug Awareness Night! [SIGHS] I guess we have no choice.
Here's the number for the poison control center, the allergy hotline, and, if the kids misbehave, Papa John's Pizza.
Don't worry, Mrs.
Simpson.
We'll take great care of your kids.
"We"? Uh, me and God.
Okay, then.
We'll see you soon.
[MOANING] Want to watch videos of pythons swallowing stuff? Uh, can't we watch something with kittens? Oh, there's kittens in there.
[KITTEN MEOWS] This is pointless.
We learned all the new dangerous drugs last year: sprack, zup, borzo, and crystal bam.
I hear they're mixing bam with zup.
Interesting.
Bam and zup.
[CHUCKLES] This seminar's already paying for itself.
Homer Simpson, are you watching football through your pants pocket? But do you know how much love is lost between these teams? None! Turn it off! This bag of concentrated death is what the kids today call "blizzard.
" Allow me to demonstrate.
On Skin-ner! Superintendent, I-I must protest.
I'm an educational professional who - [GRUNTING] - That's a good boy.
Take your medicine.
[INHALES, SIGHS] Oh, let's get out of here.
I guess we can watch the PowerPoint presentation in bed tonight.
Oh, that sounds magical.
[QUIETLY]: Just don't be conspicuous.
[PHONE RINGING] Ooh, it's Lenny.
Homer, I found my birth mom! Her name is Cheryl, and she wants nothing to do with [MARGE GROANS] [GASPS] A wedding expo! Marge, there is no way I'd ever be interested in Is there a girl in that cake? No, just cake.
Oh that is so sexy.
After you, Marge.
Ooh, a wedding expo! It's like going to a thousand weddings at once.
Sneaking in will be the most romantic thing we've ever done.
More than our real wedding? A thousand times more.
I was pregnant, and you had a fever of 103.
103.
4.
Aw, you remembered.
["ALLEGRO NON MOLTO" FROM VIVALDI'S FOUR SEASONS PLAYING] [SNIFFLES] It's so beautiful.
[SNIFFLES] Oh.
Even the prenups are gorgeous.
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING] Your bride will look radiant next to these hideous bridesmaids dresses made in colors known to scare seagulls.
Oh, so beautiful! Come back here, you.
You've got 12 more drugs to test.
I both see and am God.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] Who will protect me when you die? Nothing's gonna happen to [GRUNTS] Does this house have a mixer? We could make face cookies.
[CHUCKLES] Aw! You're gonna make such a good dad.
[MOANING] [GROANS] I feel like a walk.
You want to take a walk? I feel glued to my seat for reasons I don't understand.
It's all over, sweetheart.
The curse is broken.
Grandma will take care of you from now o - [GROANS] - [BUZZING] Ah! Come on! [SHAUNA GIGGLING] JIMBO: Let's see if we can both fit in Homer's underwear.
This is very sobering.
Why did we think this would be cool? What are you kids doing out so late? Babysitter party at our house.
Why don't you come inside for a mug of cocoa? - [DING] - Coco-nut, that is, to fill your belly with much-needed potassium.
[CHUCKLES]: Grins, people.
Thanks.
Potassi-yum.
This was a great idea.
It's like all the fun of a wedding without the boredom of a wedding! And who are you two? Um, why, we're wedding planners! Yes, and we're wondering about your products.
[GIGGLES] For our clients.
Well, the Toast Master is an AI-powered microphone that guarantees your best man's toast will be heartwarming and tasteful, no matter how drunk or passive-aggressive he is.
Ooh.
Give it a try, Homie.
Oh, I couldn't.
Pretend one of my sisters is getting married.
That hairy-legged ashtray? Give me the mic.
When I heard a guy was marrying Selma, - I thought, That poor - MALE VOICE: Genius.
- must be - Fully sighted.
- and - Not marrying her to harvest her organs.
[LAUGHS] Thank God.
The Heffernans.
Oh, right.
That's me.
D.
R.
Heffernan.
- [QUIETLY]: That's "Doctor.
" - Right.
Dr.
D.
R.
Heffernan.
The keynote speech is in two minutes.
- What's a keynote speech? - [CHUCKLES] Imagine Dr.
Heffernan asking me what a keynote speech is.
This way.
Finally, things are looking up for the person I'm pretending to be.
[LAUGHTER] And the number one new wedding trend is True love! AUDIENCE: True love! True love! Buy our book if we have one.
I'm starting to think that's not Dr.
Heffernan.
[MOANING] [CHUCKLES] What a [MOANS] perfect night.
You wait here while I go [SEDUCTIVELY]: pay the babysitter.
- [LAUGHTER] - [LOUD MUSIC PLAYING] I'm not paying you! Get out of my house! - Later.
- And now, my lady, to the boudoir, which I believe is somewhere near the bedroom.
[CHUCKLES]: Ooh! Ooh! [GRUNTS] Have I picked you up yet? I can't te Oh! [STRAINED]: You're so light! [GRUNTING] - Ow! - [INHALES DEEPLY] [STRAINED]: Perfect end to perfect night! Voulez-vous coucher avec - [CRACKING, POPPING] - [SCREAMS] [GRUNTING] - What the?! [SHOUTING] - Ow! [BOTH GROANING] I guess we should stop listening now.
No one's making you stay.
Marge, I'm afraid your days of walking are over.
Oh, my God! For about 36 hours.
By then, this mild ankle sprain should be good as new.
It's my fault.
Homie wouldn't have dropped me if I hadn't put on a few pounds.
Nonsense.
It's not your fault you're married to a this.
[MOANS] And it was such a good date night.
Well, now it's a hernia morning.
See, you've got a tear in your abdominal wall and a section of your intestine has pushed through.
Aren't you going to chuckle? An inguinal hernia is no laughing matter.
[CHUCKLES] "Inguinal.
" Will I need surgery? Possibly.
But don't be alarmed.
It's just some scalpel work around your scrotum.
[GROANS] - [ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH] - A little more.
- [ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH] - Little more.
- [ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH] - Little more No, those are the wipers! Oh, you just called OnStar.
Now, look, you two, you're not kids anymore.
Listen to your body.
It'll tell you what to do.
[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH] WOMAN: OnStar operator.
What is your emergency? Every comedian I thought is funny is dead.
The Itchy and Scratchy Show! Hmm.
"Possible side effects may include hallucinations" [ANGRILY]: mm, "irritability, inability to fo cus.
" Blah, blah, blah.
"Do not mix with alcohol"? Fine, I'll drink it separately.
Boy, get me a beer.
- [BART HUMMING] - [GRUNTING] - Huh? What are you doing? - [CHUCKLES] Helping you get better.
I was watching Animal Planet, and they said, if it can't reach its own food, the hippo dies.
Why, you little! [CHUCKLES] Bart, honey, your father and I need you to be a little more grown-u